Joketor

1
Tatay Jobo Elizes
2011
Personal Collection
Not For Sale

(English & Pinoy Jokes)

Joketor 1

Introduction
Enjoy the laughs!

Publisher/Printer
Tatay Jobo Elizes, as printer, born in Manila,
Philippines, in 1934, finished BSEE57-Mapua
Tech and MBA-SEP77-Ateneo, worked as
electrical engineer, ran his own business, and then
emigrated to USA in 1990. Presently, he is busy
writing and involved in piglets dispersal programs
for livelihood projects in the Philippines.
Acknowledgement
Gratitude and acknowledgment belongs to all
friends and relatives who encouraged me to
consolidate all the jokes in a book like this that I
have collected and continue to tell in small
gatherings so that they are archived for easy
retrieval by all. Thanks for sending and telling me
jokes.
Dedication
I dedicate this book to my wife, Cora, my
children, Tetchie, Chevy & Abeth, and Marie &
Bimbo, my grandchildren, Karines & Aung,
Noelle, Chad, Marjo, Jeb, Marvin & Marty, greatgrandson Jason Win and my siblings Susan,
Hilda, Bobby, Bey & Manny and their families.
Copyright
Printed in the United States of America. This book
may not be used or reproduced in any manner
whatsoever without permission.
ISBN-13-978-1463710910
EAN-10- 1463710917
Table of Contents
The book is alphabetically arranged and easy to
leaf through and find subject or title of each joke.

Is there a joketor in the house? is actually a

play on words, derived from the famous
phrase, Is there a doctor in the house? A
doctor cures. Does the joketor cures? Of
course, havent you heard of Laughter is the
best medicine, a trademark quote of
Readers Digest? Make a sick man laughs
and hes cured. Laughter is not only for the
sick. Its for all occasions and for all people in
all walks of life. Jokes remove cares and
concerns. They remove sadness and
melancholiness. They make you forget your
problems. People who tell jokes become the
life of the party. The joketor is needed in any
house. Anybody for that matter can become
a joketor by just reading from this book.
Actually, these jokes are recycled or
modified jokes retold many times in the past
and openly distributed in the internet. Jokes
are sometimes hard to recall. This is a tribute
to all writers and composers of jokes to make
the world a better place to live in.
I printed them as personal collectiion,
available freely to friends and interested
parties upon request. This is not for sale.
So, bring this book always with you. You can
read them in gatherings or parties. No need
to recall jokes. Just carry a copy of this
handy book and read to your friends in any
ocassion. Enjoy telling jokes!

Tatay Jobo Elizes

Joketor 1
START
------------------------------Aaylenay
Aaylenay,
Olinay,
Olisam,
Olismray,
Ranyonmergin,
Manerenchay,
Oliimansotennernmay,
Sliminemenlimis,
Sliminemenlimis,
("Silent Night" by Ngongo. Try it.)
Abusive Husband
Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na
lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa...
Mrs 2: Mas grabe yung mister ko.
Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang
niroromansa.
Adam & Eve
Ellen: Heto nga yung joke: Sa story of Adam
and Eve... Sabi ng ibang lahi... Definitely daw
hindi Pinoy si Eba at Adan...dahil kung pinoy
daw, hindi nila kakainin yung apple. ..Ahas
daw ang kakainin ng pinoy!
Ad Responses
A couple placed an ad, "Have 4 sons, need
advice on how to get a daughter."
Responses:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
Affair One
A married man was having an affair with his
secretary. One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they
fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man
hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take
his shoes outside and rub them in the grass
and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove
home. "Where have you been?" his wife

demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied,

"I'm having an affair with my secretary. We
had sex all afternoon." She looked down at
his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
Affair Two
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful
daughters but always talked about having a
son. They decided to try one last time for the
son they always wanted. The wife got
pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see
his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest
child he had ever seen. He told his wife:
"There's no way I can be the father of this
baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly
and replied: "Not this time!"
Affair Three
A mortician was working late one night. He
examined the body of Mr. Dogartz, about to
be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Dogartz had the largest private part he had
ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Dogartz," the
mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be
cremated with such an impressive private
part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he
removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and
took it home. "I have something to show you
won't believe," he said to his wife, opening
his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed,
Dogartz is dead!"
Affair Four
A woman was in bed with her lover when she
heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted
him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I
tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she
replied, "the Moyers bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us too. No more was said,

Tatay Jobo Elizes

Joketor 1
not even when they went to bed. Around 2
AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen
and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I
stood like that for two days at the Moyers
and nobody offered me a damned thing."
Affair Five
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar
and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be
a nickle." "Nickle?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: "How
much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of
wine?" "A dollar," the barman replied.
A dollar?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the
guy who owns this place?" The bartender
replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man
asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your
wife?" The bartender replied: "The same
thing I'm doing to his business down here."
Affair Six
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He l looked up and said weakly: I have
something I must confess ." "There's no
need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I
want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!" "I know," she replied, "now just rest
and let the poison work."
Age Guessing
MRS: Sa palagay mo, mahal, ilang taon na
ako sa guess ng ibang tao.
MR : Kung titingnan kita sa buhok 18 ka
lang, kung nakatalikod 16 lang, kung sa kutis
22 lang. Bale total ay 56 sweetheart.
Air Show
Every year Granpy & Granny went to the Air
Show. Granpy always said "Ya know, I'd like
ta get a ride in airplane." But Granny refuses
and say "I know, but that airplane ride costs
ten dollahs... and ten dollahs is ten dollahs."
So Granpy says "I'm 70. If I don't go this
time I may never go." Granny replies
"Granpy, that ride is ten dollahs... and ten
dollahs is ten dollahs." So the pilot overhears

them and says "Folks, I'll make you a deal,

I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay
quiet and not say ONE word, I won't charge
you, but just one word and it's ten dollars."
They agreed and up they go. The pilot does
all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives,
but not a word is heard. So he lands. He
turns to Granpy as they come to a stop and
says, "By golly, I did everything I could think
of to get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Granpy replies "Well, I was gonna say
something when Granny fell out, but ten
dollahs is ten dollahs!"
Alam Niya
Dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre 1: Dios ko, patawarin mo po sila...
hindi nila nalalaman ang kanilang ginagawa!
Madre2: Ay, yung sa akin, nalalaman niya!
Ampon
Anak: 'Nay, tinutukso po ako ng kalaro ko na
anak ako sa labas!
Nanay: Hindi totoo 'yan, anak. Ang sabihin
mo sa kanila, ampon ka!
Andy Rooney Says (Internet circular)
As I grow in age, I value women who are
over 30 most of all. Here are just a
few reasons why:
A woman over 30 will never wake you in the
middle of the night to ask, "What are you
thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the
game, she doesn't sit around! whining about
it. She does something she wants to do.
And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 30 knows herself well enough
to be assured in who she is, what she is,
what she wants and from whom. Few women
past the age of 30 give a hoot what you
might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom
have a screaming match with you at the
opera or in the middle of an expensive
restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they
won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they

Tatay Jobo Elizes

Joketor 1
can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise,
often undeserved. They know what it's like to
be unappreciated. A woman over 30 has the
self-assurance to introduce you to her
women friends. A younger woman with a
man will often ignore even her best friend
because she doesn't trust the guy with other
women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if
you're attracted to her friends because she
knows her friends won't betray her! Women
get psychic as they age. You never have to
confess your sins to a woman over 30. They
always know. Once you get past a wrinkle or
two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her
younger counterpart. Older women are
forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off
if you are a jerk if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you
stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 30 for a
multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not
reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, wellcoiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald,
paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool
of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who
say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the
milk for free."
Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of
women are against marriage! Why? Because
women realize it's not worth buying an entire
Pig, just to get a little sausage.
Animals: Bulls
Three bulls are complaining among
themselves after hearing that their boss, the
rancher was going to bring yet another bull
onto the ranch: The older two Bulls each
complained: "Boys, I've been here many
years. We agreed that 50 cows would be
mine. Now, I don't know where this
newcomer is going to get cows, but I aint'
givin' him any of mine." Youngest Bull: "I've
only been here a year, and so far you guys

have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be

as big as you fellows, but I am young and
virile, so I simply must keep my 10 cows."
They no sooner finished their big talk when a
large trailer pulls up in the middle of the
pasture with the most giant bull these guys
had ever seen! At 4000 pounds, he could
break the steps of the ramp. Older Bulls:
From the looks of it, I think I can spare a
few of our cows for our new friend."
Youngest Bull: "Not me! They look over at
their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him
pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and
snorting. Older Bulls: "Son, let me give you
some advice real quick. Let him have some
of your cows and live to tell your story."
Youngest Bull: "Hell, he can have all my
cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a
bull."
Anong bansa?
Anong Bansa ang walang pangit? UGANDA
Anong Bansa ang di sikat? LAOS
Anong Bansa ang tinutukso? CUBA
Anong Bansa ang madulas? GREECE
Anong Bansa ang hindi sa iyo? KENYA
Anong Bansa ang nakagapos? ITALY
Anong Bansa ang maraming bacteria?
GERMANY
Anong Bansa ang nagmamadali? RUSH-SIA
Amusing Biz Names in Phl
1. Anita Bakery (a bakery)
2. Bread Pitt (another bakery)
3. Maruya Carey (a fast-food place selling
turon and maruya in Greenbelt , Makati)
4. Caintacky Fried Chicken (an eatery in
Cainta, Rizal)
5. Cooking ng Ina Mo (Resto in
Mandaluyong)
6. Cooking ng Ina Mo Rin (Resto across the
street from above!)
7. Mang Donald's (a burger joint at the Naga
City Plaza )
8. Candies Be Love? (Can anything be
sweeter than this ? )

Tatay Jobo Elizes

Joketor 1
9. Doris Day and Night (a 24-hour eatery)
10. Babalik Karinderia
11. Holland HoTpia (Owned by Mr. Ho) and
next-door neighbor Poland Hopia (owned by
Mr. Po) in Chinatown
12. Miki Mao (a noodle house)
13. Tapsi Turbi (a tapa house)
14. Cleopata's (a manukan and bakahan)
15. Goto Heaven
16. Goto Hell (serves spicier goto)
17. The Fried of Marikina (a fried chicken
house)
18. Wrap and Roll (a lumpia outlet in Quad,
Makati)
19. Pansit ng taga-Malaboni (a panciteria on
Boni Ave. , Mandaluyong)
20. Side-saki (a side street eatery besides
Mandarin Oriental in Makati)
21. Let's Goat-Together (a kambingan-cumbeer garden)
22. Meating Place (a meat shop)
23. Automobili Ko (2nd hand car buy and sell
shop)
24. Meatropolis (another meat shop)
25. Isda best, Pusit to the limit, and Hipon
coming back (entrees on the menu of a
seafood restaurant)
26. Cinna Von (a laundromat)
27. Yo Wash Up (another laundromat)
28. Pier Carding (a tailoring shop in Pier,
Manila)
29. Elizabeth 's Tailoring
30. The Way We Wear (a boutique)
31. Curl Up and Dye (a beauty salon)
32. Goldilooks (a barber shop)
33. Goldirocks (a gravel and sand shop)
34. Sylvestre's Salon
35. Stomach Inn (motel in San Juan)
36. Bote Nga Sa 'Yo (used bottle shop)
37. Christopher Plumbing (your friendly
neighborhood plumber)
38. Fernando Pe's Box Office Hits (a video
rental shop in Palawan)
39. Leon King Video Rental (in Las Pinas)

40. Memory Drug (a clone of Mercury Drug)

41. Petal Attraction (a flower shop near U.P.
Diliman)
42. Susan's Roses (a flower shop, but of
course!)
43. Maid to Order (maids placement agency)
44. Kik-Mai-Balls (food cart selling kikiam,
siomai and fishballs)
Another Chance
Ama: Buntis anak ko, panagutan mo!
BF: May asawa na po ako!
Ama: Pano 'to?
BF: Areglo na lang po... 2 M pag Boy, 2.5M
pag Girl.
Ama: Ok, pero pag nakunan. GIVE HER
ANOTHER CHANCE ha?
Antique dealer
Two women were old friends. They had both
been married to their husbands for a long
time. As they sat in the living room one day
drinking coffee, as was their custom, one of
them expressed concern because she
thought her husband didn't find her attractive
anymore. "As I get older he doesn't even
bother to look at me!" she cried. "I'm so
sorry for you," replied the other, "As I get
older my husband says I get more beautiful
every day." "Yes," the distraught woman
looked up, "but your husband's an antique
dealer!"
Asawa
Advantage at Disavantage ng may-asawa. . .
Advantage: Pag kailanagan mo, nandiyan
agad.
Disadvantage: Pag ayaw mona, nandiyan pa
rin.
Asawa
Asawa" 1st year masaya. After 5 years
tanggalin ang A "sawa na", after 10 years
tanggalin ang S "awa na lang". Sa susunod
na taon tanggalin mong A "wa na!" Sa last
na taon, tanggalin mo ang W A na lang!

Tatay Jobo Elizes

Asenso Na

Joketor 1
Tatay: Asenso na talaga ang anak natin sa
America. Heto, nagpadala ng litrato na
nakasandal pa sa kotse. Mahal, basahin mo
nga ang nakasulat sa likod.
Nanay: 'Nay at 'Tay, nagpapasalamat ako.
Kung hindi dahil sa kotseng ito, natumba na
siguro ako sa sobrang gutom ko dito.
Aso
Isang lasing nasalubong ang matabang
babae na may kasamang aso.
Lasing: Hoy, saan mo nakuha yang baboy?
Babae: Aso ito! Hindi baboy!
Lasing: Huwag ka nga sumabat! Yung aso
ang kausap ko!
As Years Go By
Loveliness through the years
1950s-Iniirog kita. . .1960s-Iniibig kita. . .
1970s-Minamahal kita. .1980s-I love you. .
1990s-Tara sa kwarto. .2000s-Pwede na rito.
Away Asawa
babae: Dahil sa laki ng kasalanan mo sa
akin na nakita ko kasama mo si yaya huwag
kang tatabi sa akin!
lalake: Sori na love.
babae: Sori mo mukha mo. Basta outside di
kulambo ka!!!
lalake: Payag ako pero labas mo pwet mo.
Away 2
wife: darling, tingnan mong pusa natin....ang
lambing-lambing. lagi gusto sa lap ko.
husband: Paano naman eh amoy isda kasi
ang pekpek mo!
Away 3
wife: darling, Simula noong nag-aabroad ka
para bang lumiliit ang titi mo. husb: Hindi,
darling, lumalaki lang ang pek-pek mo...
A to Z
Panchito: Vitamins ko ABC -- Alak, Babae at
Cigarette.
Babalu: Ako naman DEF -- Damo, Egg at
Frutas.
Dolphy: Ako, from A to Z-- Alma to Zsa Zsa.
Backseat Driver - No difference
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs

for her husband. Suddenly, her husband

burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my
GOD! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM
NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE
BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful .
CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You
NEVER listen to me when you're cooking!
Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you
CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't
forget to salt them. You know you always
forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him.
"What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of
eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just
wanted to show you what it feels like when
I'm driving. You think I dont know how to
drive!"
Bad Behavior
Man comes home, finds his wife with his
friend in bed. He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will
lose ALL your friends".
Bagong Kasal
MRS: Honey malapit na tayong maging 3
dito sa bahay
MR: Talaga honey? Pinasaya mo ako sa
balita mo
MRS: Oo dito na titira ang nanay ko!"
Bagong Salawikain
* Ang buhay ay parang bato, it's hard.
* Better late than pregnant.
* Behind the clouds are the other clouds.
* It's better to cheat than to repeat!
* Do unto others ... then run!!!
* Kapag puno na ang salop, kumuha na ng
ibang salop.
* Magbiro ka na sa lasing, magbiro ka na sa
bagong gising, huwag lang sa lasing na
bagong gising.
* When all else fails, follow instructions.

Tatay Jobo Elizes

Joketor 1
* Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling
wika, lumaki sa ibang bansa.
* To err is human, to errs is humans.
* Ang taong nagigipit ... sa bumbay
kumakapit
* Pag may usok ... may nag-iihaw
* Ang taong naglalakad nang matulin ... may
utang.
* No guts, no glory... no ID, no entry.
* Birds of the same feather that prays
together ...stays together.
* Kapag may sinuksok at walang madukot,
may nandukot.
* Walang matigas na tinapay sa gutom na
tao.
* Ang taong di marunong lumingon sa
kanyang pinanggalingan .... ay may stiff
neck.
* Birds of the same feather make a good
feather duster.
* Kapag may tiyaga, may nilaga. Kapag may
taga, may tahi.
* Huli man daw at magaling, undertime pa
rin.
* Ang naglalakad ng matulin, late na sa
appointment
* Matalino man ang matsing, matsing pa rin.
* Better late than later.
* Aanhin ang palasyo kung ang nakatira ay
kuwago, mabuti pa ang bahay kubo, sa
paligid puno ng linga.
* Kapag maikli ang kumot, tumangkad ka na!
* No man is an island because time is gold.
* Hindi lahat ng kumikinang ay ginto ... muta
lang yan.
* Kapag ang puno mabunga ... mataba ang
lupa!
* When it rains ... it floods.
* Pagkahaba haba man ng prusisyon ...
mauubusan din ng kandila.
* Ang buhay ay parang gulong, minsan nasa
ibabaw, minsan nasa vulcanizing shop.
* Batu-bato sa langit, ang tamaan ... sapul.
* Try and try until you succeed... or else try

another.
* Ako ang nagsaing ... iba ang kumain. Diet
ako eh.
* Huwag magbilang ng manok kung alaga
mo ay itik.
* Kapag maiksi na ang kumot, bumili ka na
ng bago.
* If you can't beat them, shoot them.
(Nalundasan)
* An apple a day is too expensive.
* An apple a day makes seven apples a
week. (really expensive)
Bagsak
TATAY: Bagsak ka na naman! Ba't di mo
gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor.
ANAK:Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako
kay Pedro.
TATAY: Bakit naman?
ANAK: Matalino tatay nun!
Bakli
Pare 1: Pare, bat naman hanggang ngayon
wala ka pang syota? wala ka pa bang
napupusuan?
Pare 2: Meron.. Manhid ka lang! (nyahaha!)
Baliw
Sa isang mental hospital...
PEPE: Doc gusto ko ng lumabas...
DOC: Sige nga tingnan natin kung magaling
ka na, anong gagawin mo paglabas mo dito
sa ospital?
PEPE: Titiradurin ko yung buwan....!!!
DOC: Di ka pa magaling pepe, di ka pa
pwedeng lumabas ng ospital.
After a few months....
PEPE: Doc, magaling na po ako..pwede na
ko lumabas dito!
DOC: Talaga? Sige nga subukan nga
natin...Ano ang gagawin mo paglabas mo
dito sa ospital?
PEPE: Syempre unang una.. maghahanap
ako ng matitirahan tapos hahanapin ko
pamilya ko tapos maghahanp ako ng trabaho
para makapag-bagong buhay heheh!!
DOC: Aba magaling ka na nga.. Tama yang

Tatay Jobo Elizes

Joketor 1
mga balak mo Pepe. Pinabilib mo naman
ako...e pag nagawa mo na lahat ng yon, ano
na ang susunod mong gagawin?
PEPE: Syempre doc...TITIRADURIN KO NA
YUNG BUWAN!!!
DOC: Waaaa!
Bat Control
Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.
One said "You know, ever since summer
started, I've been having trouble with bats in
my loft and attic at church. I've tried
everything -- noise, spray, cats -- nothing
seems to scare them away!" Another said
"Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in my
belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place
fumigated, and they won't go away!" The
third said, "I baptized all mine and made
them members of the church... Haven't seen
one back since!"
Beans
A teacher asked her class for sentences
using the word "beans"
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all
human beans".
Beer is cheaper
She told me we cannot afford beer anymore
so I have to quit. Then I caught her spending
$65 on make-up. And I asked how come I
have to give up stuff and she didnt. She said
she needed the make-up to look pretty for
me. I told her that was what the beer was for.
I dont think she is coming back.
Beer Enhances Beauty
"Mrs: hoy! Tama na yang beer mo masyado
ka magastos
Mr: Ikaw make-up mo ang magastos
Mrs: Nagpapaganda ako para sayo
Mr: Ako umiinom naman para gumanda ka!"
Before & After Prison
Two young guys were picked up by the cops
for smoking dope and appeared in court on
Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You

seem like nice young men, and I'd like to

give you a second chance rather than jail
time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to show others the evils of drug use and
get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you
back in court Monday." Monday, the two
guys were in court, and the judge said to the
1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 20 people to
give up drugs forever." "20 people? That's
wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used
a diagram, your honor. I drew 2 circles like
this - O o ...and told them this (the big circle)
is your brain before drugs and this (small
circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's
admirable," said the judge. "And you, (to the
2nd boy) how did you do?" "Well, your
honor, I persuaded 200 people to give up
drugs forever."
"200 people! That's
amazing! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws 2
circles)... I said, (pointing to the small circle)
"this is your asshole before prison . . ."
Best Toastmaster
A Irishman, John O'Mally, met regularly with
his toastmasters club. One evening they
were hitting the Guinness and having a
contest to see who could make the best
toast. John O'Mally hoisted his beer and
said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life
between the legs of me wife!" That won him
the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Anne, "I
won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
Thinking quickly John said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life sitting in church
beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed,
John!", Anne said. The next day Anne ran
into one of John's toasting buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly
and said, "John won the prize the other night
with a toast about you Anne."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised

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Joketor 1
meself! You know, he's only been there
twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time
I had to yank him to make him come!"
Beyond A Reasonable Doubter
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was
cross-examining a pathologist. Here's what
happened:
Attorney: Before you signed the death
certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death
certificate, you weren't sure the man was
dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The
man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
But I guess it's possible he could be out
there practicing law somewhere.
Bible
A little boy opened the big family bible. He
was fascinated as he fingered through the
old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of
the Bible. He picked up the object and looked
at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had
been pressed in between the pages. "Mama,
look what I found", the boy called
out "What have you got there, dear?" With
astonishment in the young boys voice, he
answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.
Bigger Problem
Wife: Pag may problema ako, kahit gaano
kabigat, nawawala kapag nakikita ko ang
picture mo.
Husband: Sabi ko na nga ba talagang mahal
na mahal mo ko.
Wife: Tinitingnan ko lang ang picture mo
tapos sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na WALA NG
PROBLEMA NA MAS HIHIGIT PA DITO.
Bicolano
ATE: Musta date mo sis? Epektib ba payo
ko, sili labuyo sa nipples mo para di ka

galawin ng bf mo?
SIS: Hay naku Ate, palpak! Ginanahan pa
lalo, BICOLANO pala!
Birth Conrol
CENSUS: Mrs, ilan bang anak nyo?
MRS: 14 po
CENSUS: Ang dami naman! Di ba kayo
gumagamit ng pills, condom, withdrawal
o rhythm?
MRS: Hindi po, kwan ni Mr. lang po talaga
Ang gamit ko!
Bituin
Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay
ko sa iyo!
Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang
kulangot mo, bituin pa!
Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang
gusto mo!
Blind customer
Isang bulag ang pumasok sa isang maliit na
restaurant. Sinalubong siya ng waiter at wala
sa isip na nagbigay ng menu. "Hindi mo ba
napansing bulag ako? Bigyan mo na lang
ako ng mga gamit na tinidor at nang
malaman ko kung ano ang kakainin ko!",
bulyaw ng bulag. Hindi na nagtanong ang
nalilitong waiter at kumuha ng dalawang
tinidor na hindi pa hugas at binigay sa
bulag. Inamoy ng bulag ang una. "Fried
chicken! Hindi ako kumakain ng fried
chicken", sabi ng bulag pagkaamoy ng
unang tinidor. At inamoy naman ang
ikalawang tinidor. "Eto, meatloaf, bigyan mo
ako niyan". Namangha ang waiter at
dumiretso ito sa kusina para kausapin ang
cook na si Rosario na asawa niya. "Ang
galing noong bulag, oh, amoy pa lang alam
na niya ang oorderin niya. Magluto ka nga ng
meatloaf", kuwento ng waiter kay Rosario.
Nagluto si Rosario ng meatloaf at ibinigay sa
bulag. Nasarapan ang customer kaya
nagbigay ito ng malaking tip. Kinabukasan,
bumalik ang bulag at nagbigay na naman ng
dalawang tinidor ang waiter para ipaamoy

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Joketor 1
rito. "Ito, gusto ko ng porkchop", sabi ng
bulag pagkaamoy pa lang ng unang tinidor.
Sa ikatlong araw, umamoy na naman ang
bulag ng dalawang tinidor. "Hindi ako
kumakain ng hamburger. Ito namang isa,
meatloaf ulit. Wala na bang bago?", reklamo
ng bulag. "Teka lang ho", sabi ng waiter
sabay labas. Kumuha ng malinis na tinidor
ang waiter at pinahid sa loob ng panty ni
Rosario para paglaruan ang customer.
Subukan n'yo po ito", sabi ng waiter na ini
abot ang tinidor na pinunas sa panty ni
Rosario. "Aba!", gulat na sabi ng bulag. "Dito
na ba nagtratrabaho si Rosario?
Bloomingdales
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to
prepare her will and make her final requests.
She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and
second, she wanted her ashes scattered
over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales?" the
rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"I'll be sure my daughters visit me weekly."
Bobo
NANAY: Bobo ka talaga! 1 to 10 lang di mo
kayang bilangin?
ANAK: Mas bobo si tatay nay, kasi narinig ko
minsan sabi, "Tama na Inday, hanggang tatlo
lang kaya ko."
Born How
'Daddy, how was I born?' The father
answers: 'Well son, I guess one day you will
need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I
first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your
Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your
mother agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we
discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a little PopUp appeared that said: We've got male!
Boso

Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung

panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun ah! Ano'ng ginawa mo?
Anak: Hinubad ko at itinago ko 'yung panty,
para 'di nya makita!
Bow Wow Wow
Bakla at Macho nagkasabay sa CR...
Bakla: Ang laki naman nyan sayo...
Macho: Wala na tong silbi kasi iniwan na ako
ng GF ko... puputulin ko na lang at ipapakain
sa aso!
Bakla: Baw! aw! aw! aw!
Bra
Anak: 'Nay, puede na ba akong magbra?
Nay, kinse na po ako, puede na ba?
Ina : Hoy! Joselito! tigilan mo nga ako!!!!
Brain
Our brain is made up of 2 parts, the left and
the right part. With our politicians, the
problem is that: The LEFT has nothing
RIGHT in it, and The RIGHT has nothing
LEFT in it!
Brainless Collection
Host: What "N" (narra) is the national tree of
the Philippines?
Contestant: Niyog?
Host: Mas matigas pa diyan.
Contestant: (in strong-sounding voice)
NIYOG!
Host: Saan "B" (Bagumbayan) binaril si Jose
Rizal?
Contestant: Sa back?
Host: O sige, puwede rin na ang simula ay
letter "L" (Luneta).
Contestant: Likod?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Para mas madali, "R.P."
ang initials ng modern name nito. (Rizal
Park).
Contestant: Rear Part? (Susme! Likod pa rin
yun!)
Host: Saan "B" (beach) tayo madalas
pumunta pag summer upang maligo?
Contestant: Banyo?
Host: Hindi, pag pumunta ka doon,

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Joketor 1
maaarawan ka.
Contestant: Bubong?
Host: Hindi, marami kang makikita duong
mga babaeng naka-bikini.
Contestant: Beerhouse!
Host: Anong "L" (Lifeguard) ang tawag sa tao
na sumasagip sa iyo pag ikaw ay nalulunod?
Contestant: Lifebuoy?
Host: Hindi, pero kahawig nga ng pangalan
ng sabon ang pangalan ng ito.
Contestant : Safeguard?
Host: Hindi, pagsamahin mo yung dalawang
sagot mo.
Contestant : Safe Buoy?
Host: Hindi siya "boy" at matipuno nga ang
kaniyang katawan.
Contestant: Ah, Mr. Clean!
Host: Anong "S" (Salbabida) ang ginagamit
na flotation device sa dagat upang hindi ka
malunod?
Contestant: Sirena?
Host: Hindi! Hindi ito babae.
Contestant: Siyokoy?
Host: Hindi ito lalake.
Contestant: Siyoke?
Host: What "S" (Sampaguita) is the national
flower of the Philippines?
Contestant: Sunflower?
Host: Hindi. Binebenta ito sa kalye.
Contestant: Stork?
Host: Hindi. Bulaklak sabi eh.
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak?
Host: Hindi pa rin. It ends with a letter "A".
Contestant: Sitsarong bulaklak na may
suka?
Host: Oh, para madali, uulitin ko ang clues at
dadagdagan ko pa! Anong pangalan ng
bulaklak na nagsisimula sa "S", nagtatapos
sa letrang "A", at kapangalan ng isang sikat
na singer?
Contestant: Si...Sharon Cuneta!
Host: Sino ang kauna-unahang Chess
Grandmaster (Eugene Torre) of Asia?

Contestant: Carole KING?

Host: Hindi, ASIA nga eh! Mas mababa sa
king.
Contestant: Al QUINN?
Host: Hindi, tagalog ang apelyido niya.
Contestant: Armida Siguion-REYNA?
Host: Hindi pa rin. Mas mababa sa reyna.
Contestant: BISHOP Bacani?
Host: Mas mababa sa bishop.
Contestant: Johnny MidNIGHT?
Host: Mas mababa sa Knight.
Contestant: Jerry PONS?
Host: Oh, ayan na, nabanggit mo na lahat ng
piyesa sa Chess. Yung kahuli-hulihang
piyesa na lang.
Contestant: Sylvia laTORRE!
Host: Sino ang national hero na naka-picture
sa 500 Peso bill? Clue, may initials na N.A.
(Ninoy Aquino)
Contestant: Nora Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Ang pangalan niya ay nag-e-end
sa "Y".
Contestant: Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Dati siyang Senador.
Contestant: Si Former Senator Guy Aunor?
Host: Hindi. Patay na siya.
Contestant: ANO ? PATAY NA SI NORA
AUNOR ?
Bridal Registry
Robert, age 92, and Martha, age 89, living in
Florida, are all excited about their decision to
get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding, and on the way they pass a
drugstore. Robert suggests they go in.
Robert addresses the man behind the
counter: "Are you the owner?" The
pharmacist answers, "Yes." Robert: "We're
about to get married. Do you sell heart
medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we
do." Robert: "How about medicine for
circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Robert:
"Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Yes." Robert: "How about
Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Robert:

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Joketor 1
"Medicine for memory loss, arthritis,
jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a lbig variety.
The works." Robert: "What about vitamins,
sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for
Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Yes."
Robert: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Robert:
"Pls use this store as our Bridal Registry
Bright Old Rooster
An old farmer decided it was time to get a
new rooster for his hens. The current rooster
was still doing an okay job, but he was
getting on in years. The farmer figured
getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything.
So he buys a young cock from the local
rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the
barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the
young one strutting around and he
gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to
replace me," thinks the old rooster. "I've
got to do something about this." He walks up
to the new bird and says, "So you're the new
stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot
stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the
chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the
better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to
a race around that hen house over there.
We'll run around it ten times and whoever
finishes first gets to have all the hens for
himself." Well, the young rooster was a
proud sort, and he definitely thought he was
more than a match for the old guy. "You're
on," said the young rooster. "and since I
know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head
start of half a lap. I'll still win easy." So the
two roosters go over to the hen house to
start the race with all the hens gathering
around to watch. The race begins and
all the hens start cheering the roosters on.
After the first lap, the old rooster is still
maintaining his lead. After the second
lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but
he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the
old rooster's lead continues to slip each time

around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in

front of the young rooster. By now the farmer
has heard all the commotion. He runs into
the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to
the barn yard figuring a fox or something is
after his chickens. When he gets there, he
sees the two roosters running around the
hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in
the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun,
aims, fires, and blows the young rooster
away. As he walks away slowly, he says to
himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster
I've bought this month."
Buhay Pa Sana
KRIMINAL1: "Pare, sigurado ka bang dito
dadaan yung papatayin natin?"
KRIMINAL2: "Oo, nagtataka nga ako, 1 oras
na tayo dito wala parin siya! Sana naman
walang nangyaring masama sa kanya."
Bumbayin
Girl: Maganda ba ko?
Boy: Oo, kaya lang, Bumbayin ka...
Girl: Hindi naman ako mukhang Bumbay,
ah? Tisay yata to!
Boy: Oo nga, pero 'yung amoy mo,
Bumbayin!
Bunk Beds
Katie was staying with her grandmother for a
few days. She had been playing outside with
the other kids for a while when she came into
the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is
that called when two people are sleeping in
the same room and one is on top of the
other?" She was a little taken aback, but
decided to tell her the truth. "It's called sexual
intercourse, darling." Little Katie said, "Oh,
OK" and went back outside to talk and play
with the other kids. A few minutes later she
came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it
is not called sexual intercourse! It's called
Bunk Beds!" "and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk
to you!
Bus Hold-Up
Holdaper: Rape ko lahat ng babae dito!

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Joketor 1
Prosti: Ako na lang po, maawa kayo sa iba..
Lola: Sinabi na ngang LAHAT eh! Sasagot
pa! Gagang 'to!
Businessman
May batang Businessman ang nagtayo ng
kanyang Company. Nag renta siya ng Office
sa isang malaking Building sa Makati. Isang
umaga, may nakita siyang lalaking Customer
na papasok sa office. Para makita ng
Customer na busy ang Company, kinuha
agad ang telephone at nag kunwari na may
milking 'deal' na nagaganap. Makalipas ang
ilang minuto, ibinaba na rin ang phone.
Businessman: Good morning Sir. Can I help
you? Lalaki: Nandito po ako para magactivate ng phone lines ng office ninyo!
Business: Promotion
CEO:
I am pleased to make this
announcement, as Board Chairman and
CEO of this company. I am promoting Mr.
Herbert Smithson, Jr as President of this
company effective immediately. He will get
double his present salary, plus stock options,
free house, free car and membership to the
country club. What can you say, Mr.
Smithson?
Smithson: Gee! Wow! Thanks. . DADDY!
Busog Pa Ako
Wife: Labs, kain na. Im ready.
Husband: Busog pa ako eh.
Wife: Hindi food ibig kong sabihin. Yung
aken.
Husband: Kaya nga eh, busog pa ako.
Birthday ng secretary ko. Nagpakain siya
kanina.
Butiki
A lizard fell on a table.
Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;
Kikay: Eew, lizard!;
Astig: Shit, butiki!;
Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;
Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;
Mahirap: Pare, ulam!
Cab Driver

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the

cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks
him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a
question to ask you but I don't want
to offend you." She answers, " My son, you
cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have,
you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's
nothing you could say or ask that I would find
offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy
to have a nun kiss me." She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2, you must
be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited
and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun, says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that
would make a hooker blush. But when they
get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why
are! you crying?" "Forgive me but I've
sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm
married and I'm Jewish." The nun says,
"That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going
to a Halloween party."
Cake
For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered
a cake with this inscription: "You are not
getting older, You are just getting better."
Asked how he wanted the message
arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not
getting older' at the top and 'You are just
getting better' at bottom." The good doctor
was ready to serve the cake. He discovered
it read: "YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER
AT THE TOP, YOURE JUST GETTING
BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
Calamansi
Nun: I was raped... what shall i do?
Mother Superior: Here, take this calamansi.
Nun: Will this ease the pain?
Mother Superior: sipsipin mo! ng mawala

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Joketor 1
ngiti sa mukha mo, Gagits!!!
Calendar Method
Thelma: Sabi mo, dok, safe ang calendar
method. Bakit ako nabuntis?
Dok: Paano nyo ba ginamit ang kalendaryo?
Thelma: Ginawa naming banig.
Call Center Bloopers
1) Telesales agent getting the customer's
credit card info:
Agent: Can I have your expiration date, sir?
Customer: My what?
2) Agent verifying info from the customer:
Agent: Is that a P for Ping-Pong?
Customer: No, it's B.
Agent: Oh, B, like Bing-Bong...
3) Customer trying to return a defective
product:
Customer: I need to return this defective
sauna belt that you delivered yesterday.
Agent: For that concern, you can call our
customer service, www.customerservice.com
Customer: Call where?
4) Agent giving the customer service web
address:
Agent: It's P- as in Papa, I- as in India , C- as
in Costume, U - as in You, S- as in Sam, Tas in Tango, O.... Oscar...V- for Voy...
5) Agent wrapping up the sale, trying to give
the account info to customer:
Agent: I will now be giving you your account
number and order confirmation number, do
you have a PEN and BALLPEN with you?
6) Agent trying to create urgency over the
available promotion:
Agent: Are you sure you don't want to take
advantage of me?
Customer: Say, what?
7) Agent trying to upsell a warranty:
Agent: Here's an example: In California, a
plane crashed into a customer's house, their
dish was replaced, no questions asked!
8) Agent trying to upsell a TiVo to customer:
Agent: With a TiVo, you can do this and that,
and you know, pretty much anything under

the sun. Isn't that a great offer?

Customer: What?
9) Agent was asking the customer about the
cost of his cable service:
Agent: How much are you paying with your
current provider?
Customer: Well, I'm only paying $25.00
(which is way cheaper than what the agent
was offering)
Agent: (Surprised) Shet, magkano?
(10) Agent getting customer's address:
Agent: Can I have your address, please?
Customer:
It's
twenyfurfif-ysavan
newyaorkgh road ( 2457 New York Road )
Agent: Can you repeat that ulit?
11) Agent asking the customer to be put on
hold:
Tech Agent: Sir, Can I hold you for just a
minute?
Customer: Sure, baby, go ahead!
12) Agent verifying correct spelling:
Agent: Is that a B as in boy, or a B as in
Bravo?
Customer: ...uhmmm... how about B as in
Boy?
13) Technical Agent giving customer support:
Agent: Is the ethernet cord connected?
Cust: Tha Hwhut??? (with Alabama accent)
Agent: Yung yellow cord kung nakakabit ba!
14) Agent from a local phone company
entertaining a Visayan customer:
Customer: hillo! wala kasi yung bell ng pon
namin??
Agent: Hindi naman po ba nabagsak yung
phone?
Customer: Hende naman.
Agent: Kailan pa po ito nagsimula?
Customer: Ang alen?
Agent: Na hindi po nagri-ring yung phone?
Customer: Nagre-reng naman ah?!
Agent: Di ba sabi mo walang ring?
Customer: Hende! yong BELL ! yong
lestahan nong babayaran namin!!
Agent: aahhh... yung BILL?!

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Joketor 1
15) Technical Agent: To help you out with
your concern, ma'am, let me just pull out my
tool here, ok? (referring to a computer
program used in call centers to address the
customer's concerns)
Customer: Pull out your what now?
16) Agent: Sir, that is C for Cubao, Q for
Quiapo.....
Customer: What is that?! I dont understand. I
don't want to talk to you.
Agent: Who do you want to talk to?
Customer: I want to talk to the highest
person.
Agent: My supervisor is not available as of
the moment sir.
Customer: I said, I want to talk to the highest
person.
Agent: Ok, you want to talk to the highest
person?
Customer: Yes! Agent: Do you want to talk to
God?
Customer: what the f***! I'd rather talk to you.
17) Irate Customer: F***k you!
Tech Support: Sir, we're not allowed to say
"F***k you!" here...
18) Agent: It's C as in CAT.
Customer: what?
Agent: C as in CAT. C-A-T as in meow
meow...
19) Agent: Thank you for calling us, this is
Candy, how may I help you?
Customer: What did you say your name
was... Mandy?
Agent: No, sir, it's Candy.
Customer: Sorry, i can't hear ya... didja say
Mandy?
Agent: It's Candy sir... Candy... as in Storck!
20) Agent: Alright, let me verify that... Was
that a "G" as in golf?
Customer (with a different accent): NO! That
was a "G" as! in GEBRA! (z as in zebra) Oh,
Gebra! like the one in the Goo?!
21) Agent: Yeah, sir....hello sir... are you
there?

Customer: Yes, sorry. I'm still there.

20) Agent: I'd like to speak with Billy
Thompson please?
Contact: He's not in. Would you like to leave
a message in his voicemail?
Agent: Sure, SIGE..
21) Tech support: We're going to perform a
check disk to see if your hard drive has
errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K... that is... C as
in Charlie... H as in Harley... K as in Karly.. D
as in Darley... S as in Sarley... and K as in
Karly... got it?
Call From Overseas
HUSBAND: Hon, musta ang tindahan?
WIFE: Dept store na!
H: Ang tuba-an?
W: KTV bar na!
H: Ang mga trickad?
W: Taxi na!
H: Ang dalawa kong anak?
W: LIMA na!
Can Still Drive
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old
buddy:
"So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her
then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
Cardiologist
Anak: Itay, nagpapatanong si ma'am
kung ano raw ang propesyon mo.

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Joketor 1
Itay: Sabihin mo, cardiologist.
Anak: Ano po ba ang cardiologist, Itay?
Itay: 'Yung tagaayos ng radio sa car!
Carry Wife
Husband came home from church, suddenly
lifted his wife and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be
romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!
Cat (pusa)
Dear Itay, padalhan mo ako ng pera kasi ang
mga damit ko pinagkakain ng mga daga.
(Dear Dad, please send money. Rats are
eating my clothes.)
Dear Anak, wala akong pera. Kung gusto
mo, meron dito pusa. (Dear Son, I have no
money, but I can send you our cat.)
Cause & Effect
Warning: Children playing outside the car
can cause accident... and...Adults playing
inside the car can cause CHILDREN!!!!
Charity
Quiapo Church Altar:
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi
anak ko na sa hospital. Narinig ng pulis,
naawa, binigyan secretly ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa
pulis, nabawasan agad.
Cheap Airline
Sa isang mumurahing airline:
Stewardess: Sir, would you like some
dinner? Passenger: Ano ba ang mga
choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No lang po
Check Up
Girl: Doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: Sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos
higa ka
Girl: Hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: Sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim.
Chicken Farmer
A woman walks into her accountant's office
and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin,

I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her

name, address, social security number, etc.
and then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The
accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That
will never work. That is much too crass. Let's
try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a
prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try
again." They both think for a minute, then the
woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken
farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
Children and Church
1) A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How
many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin
was amazed that he had an answer so
quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the
Bishop said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
2) After a church service on Sunday
morning, a young boy suddenly announced
to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become
a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you
decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to
church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will
be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit
and listen."
3) A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the
Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And
forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive
those who passed trash against us."
4) A boy was watching his father, a pastor,
write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things

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Joketor 1
out?"
5) A little girl became restless as the
preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and
whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will
he let us go?"
6) After the christening of his baby brother in
church, little Johnny sobbed all the way
home in the back seat of the car........ His
father asked him three times what was
wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest
said he wanted us brought up in a Christian
home, and I want to stay with you guys!"
7) Terri asked her Sunday School class to
draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which
showed four people on an airplane, so she
asked him which story it was meant to
represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply .
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That
must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But
who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"
8) A college drama group presented a play in
which one character would stand on a trap
door and announce, "I descend into hell!"
A stagehand below would then pull a rope,
the trapdoor would spring, and the actor
would drop from view.
The play was well received. When the actor
playing the part became ill, another actor
who was quite overweight took his place.
When the new actor announced, "I descend
into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and
the actor began his plunge, but became
hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on
the rope could make him descend.
One student in the balcony jumped up and
yelled:
"Hallelujah! Hell is full!"
10) This is the best one.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's

lap as he read her a bedtime story.

From time to time, she would take her eyes
off the book and reach up to touch his
wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking
her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God
make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made
me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "grandpa, did God make
me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made
you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she
said, "God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"
Chinese vs. Spielberg
A chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk
in a bar...Spielberg hit the chinese...
Chinese: why you hit me?
Spielberg: coz you bombed Pearl Harbor, my
father died there.
Chinese: but I am chinese not Japanese,
stupid!
Spielberg: Japanese, Vietnamese, Chinese...
all the same!
Chinese punched Spielberg
Spielberg: why you hit me too?
Chinese: Thats for the sinking of TITANIC.
Spielberg: but the Titanic was sunk by an
iceberg, you fool!
Chinese: Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg... you
are all the same!!
Chinoy Names
Born during the night - Andy Lim
Born blind - Kenneth Sy
Born being swindled - Lino Co
Born while cooking - Nilo Toh
Born as 10th child - Sam Po
Born while being courted - Lily Gaw
Born fat - Bob Uy
Born little - Kathy Ting
Born different - Eva Yan
Born with porridge - Lino Gaw
Born looking for someone - Allen Sia

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Joketor 1
Born while counterfeiting - Faye King
Born during Sunday - Lyn Go
Born with malice - Mali Sia
Born angry with someone - Ally Tan
Born with picture - Lara Huan
Born with sweets - Ken Dy
Born undefined - Sam Ting
Born while taking a bath - Lily Go
Born not to take a bath - Dinah Lily Go
Born while buying - Bill Li
Born secretly - Tina Go
Born to pass flatus - Otto Tin
Born ugly - Kaw Yan
May reklamo ka? - Nath Ting (hehehehe)
Chinese king - CHOW KING
Chocolate Coated Peanuts
One day, a bus driver was offered a handful
of peanuts by an old lady which he gratefully
munched. The old lady repeatedly gave the
driver peanuts. On the 8th time, the driver
asked why she does not eat the peanuts
herself. The lady answered that it is not
possible because she had no teeth. "Why
then did you buy the peanuts?", the puzzled
driver asked. The old lady replied: "I just love
the chocolates around them."
Choke (Adult joke)
A man is visiting his wife in hospital where
she has been in a coma for several years.
On this visit he decides to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this
she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a good sign
and suggests he should try rubbing her right
breast to see if there is any reaction. The
man goes in and rubs her right breast and
this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes
out and tells the doctor. The doctor says
this is amazing and is a real breakthrough.
Obviously the sexual stimulation is getting
through to the woman's brain. The doctor
then suggests the man should go in and try
oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a
personal act and he doesn't want the man to

be embarrassed. The man goes in, then

comes out about five minutes later, white as
a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.
The doctor is shocked and asks what
happened. "She choked."
Choking
A dad walks into a market with his young
son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly,
the boy starts choking, going blue in the
face. The dad realizes the boy has
swallowed the quarter and starts panicking,
shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive,
but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the
market reading her newspaper and sipping a
cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee
cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets
up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the market. Reaching the
boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently
at first and then ever more firmly. After a few
seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the quarter, which the woman
deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the
boy, the woman hands the coin to the father
and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar
without saying a word. As soon as he is sure
that his son has suffered no lasting ill
effects, the father rushes over to the woman
and starts thankingher saying, "I've never
seen anybody do anything like that before, it
was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the
woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney."
Church Signs
1. There was a church that had problems
with outsiders parking in its parking lots, so
they put up a sign: CHURCH CAR PARK FOR MEMBERS ONLY; Trespassers will be
baptized!
2. "No God-No Peace. Know God-Know
Peace."

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Joketor 1
3. "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
4. "Try our Sundays. They are better than
Baskin Robbins."
5. "Searching for a new look? Have your faith
lifted here!"
6. An ad for one Church has a picture of two
hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten
Commandments are inscribed and a
headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief,
take two tablets."
7. When the restaurant next to another
Church put out a big sign with red letters that
said, "Open Sundays," the church
reciprocated with its own message: "We are
open on Sundays, too."
8. "People are like tea bags-you have to put
them in hot water before you know how
strong they are."
9. "Come in and pray today. Beat the
Christmas rush!"
10. "When down in the mouth, remember
Jonah. He came out alright."
11. "Sign broken. Message inside this
Sunday."
12. "Fight truth decay. Study the Bible daily."
13. "How will you spend eternity: Smoking or
Non-smoking?"
14. "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
15. "Come work for the Lord. The work is
hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.
But the retirement benefits are out of this
world."
16. "If you don't like the way you were born,
try being born again."
17. "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" --------(U R)
18. "In the dark? Follow the Son."
19. "Running low on faith? Stop in for a fillup."
20. "If you can't sleep, don't count sheep.
Talk to the Shepherd."
Coach
At one point during a game, the coach called
one of his 7-year-old baseball players aside

and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy
nodded in the affirmative. "Do you
understand that what matters is whether we
win or lose together as a team?" The little
boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued,
"I'm sure you know, when an out is
called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the
umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you
understand all that?" Again the little boy
nodded. He continued, "And when I take you
out of the game so another boy gets a
chance to play, it's bad sportsmanship to call
your coach 'a dumb asshole' isn't it?''
Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the
coach. "Now go over there and explain all
that to your mother."
Coast is Clear
A married couple was asleep when the
phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife
(undoubtedly an airhead), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said, "How
should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"
and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife replied, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Cockroach (Ipis)
Man: Doc, help me, uminom ako ng baygon
Doc: Bakit, magsusuicide ka?
Man: Hindi. Nakalunok ako ng buhay na ipis.
Doc: Tanga! Dapat kumain ka na lang ng
tsinelas.
Codigo
Nahuling may kodigo ang estudyante.. .
Guro: Ano 'to?
Estudyante: Prayers ko po, ma'am!
Guro: At bakit answers ang nakasulat?
Estudyante: Naku! Sinagot na ang prayers
ko! Yahoooooo!!!
Collection Plate
After years of his wife's pleading, the rich oil
tycoon finally went with her to Church on
Sunday morning. He was so moved by the

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Joketor 1
preacher's sermon that on the way out he
stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, "Reverend, that was the best
goddamn sermon I ever did hear!" "Why,
thank you sir, but please, I'd appreciate it if
you didn't use profanity in the Lord's house."
was the reply. "I'm sorry Reverend, but I
can't help myself. It was such a goddamn
good sermon! I was deeply moved!"
"PLEASE, I cannot have you talking this way
in my Church!" "Okay Reverend, but I just
wanted to let you know that I thought it was
so goddamn good, that I put $5,000 in the
collection plate." "No Shit?" says the
Preacher, "What a great fuckin' guy!"
Comelec
1st guy: "Tol gusto kong magtrabaho sa
Comelec?
2nd guy: "Dahil ba sa lagayan?."
1st guy: "Uy hindi lagay yun ah ,
komisyon on eleksyon yun."
Common Problem
BF: may malaki ako problema.
GF: wag mo sabihin problema mo lang
problema natin dahil nagmamahalan tayo.
ngayon ano problema natin?
BF: nabuntis natin si inday at tayo ang ama
Concentrate
Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday.
Tahimik lang syang nakatitig sa bote ng
juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.
Condom
M'AM: Inday, sa susunod, ayokong
pinakikialaman mo ang condom namin ng Sir
mo!
INDAY: M'am, huwag kayong magbibintang!
Di kami sanay ni Sir gumamit niyan! Sobra
kayo!
Condom XXL
BADING MAY BINILI SA MERCURY............
Bading: Miss, may XXL ba kayo na condom?
Miss: Meron po, bibili ba kayo?
Bading: Hindi, aabangan ko ang bibili nyan?

Confession
Nagpunta si Cedric kay Father Ken..
Cedric: Father, mangungumpisal po ako...
Father Ken: O sige, sa ngalan ng Ama, ng
Anak at ng Espiritu Santo...ano ang iyong
mga kasalanan..
Cedric: Father, mabigat po..
Father: Bakit?
Cedric: Kasi po father, nagnakaw po ako ng
tali..
Father: Hindi naman ganun kabigat ha..
Cedric: Kasi po Father, sa dulo po ng tali, eh
may tatlong kalabaw...
Father: Ngeeee!!!!!!!!!
Confident vs. Confidential
Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa
confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung
bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin,
CONFIDENTIAL yan.
Convertible - No Sunburn
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in
our cafeteria when we overheard one of the
administrative assistants talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the
shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
didn't think she'd get sunburned because the
car was moving.
Copying
Josh: Kumusta ang assignment?
Ricardo: Masama. Wala akong nasagutan.
Blank paper ang submit ko.
Josh: Naku, ako rin! Paano 'yan? Baka isipin
nila, nagkopyahan tayo!
Costume Party
A young couple was invited to a swanky
masked Halloween party. The wife came
down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party and have a good
time. Being the devoted husband, he
protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed.
She told him there was no need for him to
miss the fun. So he took his costume and

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Joketor 1
away he went. The wife, after sleeping
soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain, and as it was still early, she decided to
go to the party. Because hubby did not know
what her costume was, she thought she
would have some kicks watching her
husband to see how he acted when she was
not around. She joined the party and soon
spotted her husband cavorting around on the
dance floor. He was dancing with every nice
chick he could, and copping a feel here and
taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to
him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new "action." She let
him go as far as he wished; naturally, since
he was her husband. Finally he whispered a
little proposition in her ear and she agreed,
so off they went to one of the cars and had a
little bang. Just before unmasking at
midnight, she slipped out, went home and
put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would
have for his notorious behavior. She was
sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh,
the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there. "Then she
asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied,
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.
When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and
some other guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening. But I'll tell
you... the guy that I loaned my costume to
sure had one helluva time!"
Court Scene
A small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand in a trial - a
grandmotherly,
elderly
woman.
He
approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do
you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I
do know you Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy. And
frankly,
you've
been
a
big

disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on

your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think
you're a rising big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to
anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams,
do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I
used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he,
too, has been a real disappointment to me.
He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking
problem. The man can't build a normal
relationship with anyone and his law practice
is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to
mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. Yes, I know him." The
defense attorney was also surprised and
shocked. At this point, the judge brought the
courtroom to silence and called both
counselors to the bench. In a very quiet
voice, he said with menace, "If either of you
bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be
jailed for contempt!"
Creation
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know
how you can be so beautiful and so stupid all
at the same time. She replied: God made
me beautiful so you would be attracted to
me; God made me stupid so I would be
attracted to you.
Crossword Puzzle
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a
plane when he heard that the Pope was on
the same flight. "This is exciting," thought
the gentleman. I've always been a big
fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see
him in person. Imagine his surprise when
the Pope sat down in the seat next to
him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too
shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after

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Joketor 1
take-off, the Pope began a crossword
puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the
gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords.
Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me
for
assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope
turned to the gentleman and said,
"Excuse me, but do you know a four letter
word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-nt'?" Only one word leapt to mind...my
goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell
the Pope that. There must be another. The
gentleman thought for quite a while, then it
hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman
said, "I think you're looking for the word
'aunt'." "Ah Of course," said the Pope. "Do
you have an eraser?"
Curse Or Cause
WHEN I was lost you were there,
When I was down you were there.
When I was heartbroken you were there.
When I got really sick you were there.
Could you be the cause of all my troubles!
Custody Fight
A man and his young wife were in divorce
court, but the custody of their children posed
a problem. The mother leaped to her feet
and protested to the judge that since she
brought the children into this world, she
should retain custody of them. The man also
wanted custody of his children, so the judge
asked for his justification. After a long
silence, the man slowly rose from his chair
and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a
dollar in a vending machine and a Coke
comes out, does the Coke belong to me or
the machine?"
Customs Problem Solved
A beautiful young woman, on an international
flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father,
may I ask a favour?" "Of course you may.
What can I do for you?" "Well, I bought this
expensive electronic hair dryer that is well
over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that

they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway

that you could carry it through Customs for
me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would
love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I
will not lie." "With your honest face, Father,
no one will question you." When they got to
Customs, the young lady let the priest go
ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I
have nothing to declare." The Officer
thought this answer strange, so he asked,
"And what do you have to declare from your
waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous little
instrument designed to be used on a woman,
but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with
laughter, the Officer said, "God bless you,
Father, go ahead."
Daddy at Anak
Daddy: anak bili mo nga ako ng softdrinks?
Anak: coke or pepsi?
Daddy: coke
Anak: diet o regular?
Daddy: regular
Anak: bote o in-can?
Daddy: bote
Anak: 8oz o litro?
Daddy: Puneta! Tubig na lang
Anak: mineral or natural?
Daddy: mineral
Anak: malamig o hindi?
Daddy: hampasin kaya kita ng walis!
Anak: tambo or tingting?
Daddy: hayop ka!
Anak: baka or baboy
Daddys Lap
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad
this morning, he told me to give up my seat
to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Dalawang Patay
Man 1: Pare, ano ang ikinamatay mo?
Man 2: Inatake ako sa puso. Akala ko kasi,

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Joketor 1
nagtataksil ang misis ko kaya bigla akong
umuwi, at nadatnan kong hubad siya.
Naghanap ako sa buong bahayan, pero wala
akong nakita. Sa pagsisisi ko at sama ng
loob, ako'y inatake sa puso. Ikaw pare, ano
ang ikanamatay mo?
Man 1: Namatay ako sa lamig.
Man 2: Ano? Bakit naman?
Man 1: Bigla kasing umuwi ang aking
kumpare at nagtago ako sa refrigerator.
Kung binuksan mo sana ang ref, malamang
pareho pa tayong buhay ngayon!
Dalian Mo
GF: I'm warning you! darating na si daddy
within 1 hour!
BF: Eh ano ngayon? eh wala naman tayong
ginagawang masama ah!
GF: Kaya nga! kung may plano ka, DALIAN
MO NA!!
Date
Berto: Date tayo miss?
Manikurista: Hindi ako puwede, may asawa
na ako.
Berto: Magpaalam ka na lang sa asawa mo.
Manikurista: Ikaw na lang ang magpaalam sa
kanya.
Berto: Saan ba ang asawa mo?
Manikurista: 'Yang nag-aahit sa iyo.
Day off
So you want a day off? Let's take a look at
what you are asking for! There are 365 days
this year. There are 52 weeks per year in
which you already have 2 days off per week,
leaving 261 days available for work. Since
you spend 16 hours each day away from
work, you have used up 170 days, leaving
only 91 days available. You spend 30
minutes each day on coffee break. That
accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only
68 days available. With a one hour lunch
period each day, you have used up another
46 days, leaving only 22 days available for
work. You normally spend 2 days per year
on sick leave. This leaves you only 20

days available for work. We are off for 5

holidays per year, so your available working
time is down to 15 days. We generously give
you 14 days vacation per year which leaves
only 1 day available for work and I'll be
damned if you're going to take that day off!
Dead Member
An old man, Mr. Bernstein, was living the last
of his life in a nursing home. One day he
appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Marcy asked if there was anything
wrong. "Yes, Nurse Marcy," said Mr.
Bernstein, "My private member died today,
and I am very sad." Knowing her patients
were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy,
she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Bernstein,
please accept my condolences." The
following day, Mr. Bernstein was walking
down the hall with his private member
hanging out of his pajamas, when he met
Nurse Marcy. "Mr. Bernstein," she said, "You
shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.
Please put your private member back inside
your pajamas." "But, Nurse Tracy," replied
Mr. Bernstein, "I told you yesterday that my
private member died." "Yes, you did tell me
that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?" asked Nurse Marcy. "Well," he
replied. "Today's the viewing."
Deaf Woman Driver
An elderly couple were driving across the
country. The woman was driving when she
got pulled over by the highway patrol. The
officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were
speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing,
turns to her husband and asks, "What did he
say?" The old man yells, "He says you were
speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see
your license?" The woman turns to
her husband and asks again, "What did he
say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see
your license!" The woman gave the officer
her license. The patrolman says, "I see you
are from Arkansas. I spent some time there

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Joketor 1
once and went on a blind date with the
ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman
turned to her husband and asked, "What
did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said
he knows you.
Deaf Old Lady
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in
their retirement home reminiscing. The first
lady recalled shopping at the green
grocers and demonstrated with her hands,
the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for a penny. The second old lady
nodded, adding that onions used to be much
bigger and cheaper also. She demonstrated
the size of two big onions she could buy for a
penny a piece. The third old lady remarked,
"I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about."
Deal or No Deal
Tatanggalin ang 26 girls sa Deal Or No Deal.
Macho Men na ang ipapalit na nakasuot ng
brief na may number. Kaya ang sasabihin na
ni Kris, "Gentlemen, open your brief case!"
Diamond Gift
Juan: Birthday ng asawa ko.
Pedro: Ano regalo mo?
Juan: Tinanong ko kung ano gusto niya.
Pedro: Ano naman sinabi?
Juan: Kahit ano basta may diamond.
Pedro: Ano binigay mo?
Juan: Baraha!
Dirty Pictures (Adult)
After a sexual harassment incident at work,
Chuck is sent to a Psychiatrist. The Doctor
explains that he'll be showing Frank a series
of inkblot images called Rorschach Inkblots.
Doctor: "Now Frank as I reveal each image
tell me the first thing that comes to mind
okay." Frank: "Sure, I got it." The doctor
shows the first pattern. Frank: "A women with
really big tits." Next image. Frank: "Man and
woman screwing." Next image. Frank: "A girl
performing oral sex." Finally, the doctor says,
"Frank you are obsessed with sex." Frank:

"No, Doc, you own all the dirty pictures."

Disoriented
While looking at a house, my brother asked
the real estate agent which direction was
north because, he explained, he didn't want
the sun waking him up every morning. She
asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"
When my brother explained that the sun
rises in the East, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep
up with that stuff."
Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married
an American girl. Although his English was
far from perfect, they got along very wel until
one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and
asked him if he could arrange a divorce for
him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce
would depend on the circumstances, and
asked him the following questions: Have you
any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice
little home. No, I mean what is the foundation
of this case? Its made of concrete. I don't
think you understand. Does either of you
have a real grudge? No, we have carport,
and not need one. I mean, what are your
relations like? All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We
have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up
before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she
white. Why do you want this divorce? She
going to kill me. What makes you think that?
I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to
poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and
put on shelf bathroom. I can read, and it say:
"Polish Remover.
DNA
REPORTER: Sir, kung wala po kayong
evidence, witness or suspect ano na po ang
next step ninyo??
Police: DNA na...
REPORTER: sir, ano po yung DNA ???
Police: "Di Namin Alam "

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Joketor 1
Doctors Assistant
A doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work
and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Ya
Ole, I am going hunting tomorrow and we
don't want to close the clinic. I want you to
take care of the clinic and take care of our
patients". "Yes, sir..." answers Ole. The
doctor goes hunting and returns the next day
and asks: "So Ole, how was your day?" Ole
tells him he took care of three patients. "The
first one had a headache, so I gave him
TYLENOL." "Bravo! Ya, Ole, and the second
one?" says the doctor. "The second one had
stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX,
sir," says Ole. "Bravo, bravo Ole! You're
good at this and what; about the third one?"
asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here, and
suddenly the door opens, and a woman
enters like a flame. She undresses herself,
taking off her bra and her panties and lies
down on the table, spread her legs and
shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not
seen any man!!" And what did you do Ole?"
asks the doctor. "I put eye drops in her
eyes."
Donasyon
PARI: Ang gustong magbigay ng donasyon
sa simbahan, TUMAYO pagtugtog ng organ.
Sige iho, tugtog na.
ORGANISTA: Ano po ang tutugtugin?
PARI: Pambansang awit, iho.
Dont Change the Topic
A Husband came home 4AM and saw his
wife in bed with another man His wife
shouted at him, "Where have you been?"
Husband: "Who is that man?"
Wife: "Grabe ka! Dont change the topic!!"
Dont Forget
A couple in their nineties are both having
problems remembering things. During a
checkup, the doctor tells them that they're
physically okay, but they might want to start
writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old

man gets up from his chair. "Want anything

while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you
get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure. "Don't you think you should write it
down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it. "Well, I'd like some
strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should
write it down, so's not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a
bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd
also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it
down, I can remember it! Ice cream with
strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the
kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife
a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the
plate for amoment. "Where's my toast?
Downy
GIRL: Ang puti naman ng bird mo...
BOY: Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata
gamit ko diyan!
GIRL: Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?
BOY: Baket? Bango ba?
GIRL: Lambot eh!
Drinking is good
Mike said to his date over dinner, "You know,
drinking makes you beautiful." Puzzled, the
woman said, "I dont drink." "But I do!"
Driver
Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure
magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver
ninyo!
Drugs are wearing off
A husband was just coming out of anesthesia
after a series of tests in the hospital, his wife
was
sitting
at
his
bedside.
His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured,
"You're beautiful." Flattered, she continued

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Joketor 1
her vigil while he drifted back to
sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're
cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" she
asked him. "The drugs are wearing off" he
replied.
Dumb & Dumber
Two parents take their son on vacation and
go to a nude beach. The father goes for a
walk on the beach and the son goes to play
in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs
to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw
some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than
yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The
bigger they are, the dumber they are!" With
that, the little boy runs back into the water
and continues to play. Several minutes later,
though, the little boy runs back to his mother
and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with
dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!" "The
bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she
replies. With that, the little boy runs back into
the water and continues to play. Several
minutes later, though, the little boy runs back
to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw
Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw
and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"
Dumb: Writing
Friend A: Anong ginagawa mo, Pare? (What
are you doing, man?)
Friend B: Sinusulatan ko ang kapatid ko. (I
am writing my brother.)
Friend A: Pero, alam ko, di ka marunong
sumulat. ( But you dont know how to write.)
Friend B: Hindi bale, hindi naman siya
marunong bumasa.( Its okay, my brother
doesnt know how to read anyway.)
Dying
Dok: May taning na ang buhay mo.
Juan: Wala na bang pag-asa? Ano po ba
ang dapat kong gawin?
Dok: Mag-asawa ka na lang ng pangit at
bungangera.
Juan: Bakit, gagaling po ba ako ru'n?
Dok: Hindi, pero mas gugustuhin mo pang

mamatay kesa mabuhay!

Eastern or Pacific?
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7
call center. One day I got a call from an
individual who asked what hours the call
center was open. I told him, "The number
you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or
Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".
Eat or Not
MISTER: Ano ang pagkain natin?
MISIS: Nasa mesa, bahala ka na pumili!
MISTER: Isang pirasong tuyo? ano
pagpipilian ko?
MISIS: Pumili ka kung kakain ka o hindi
EDS
A man goes to a doctor: "Doctor, I have EDS
(Erectyl Disfunction Syndrome) problem.
Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem
anymore!" announces the proud physician.
"They just came out with this new wonder
drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take
some pills and your problems are history."
So, the doctor gives the man a prescription
and sends him on his merry way. A couple of
months later, the doctor runs into his patient
on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the
man excitedly, "I've got to thank you! This
drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!" "Well, I'm
glad to hear that," says the pleased
physician. "What does your wife think about
it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "...I am not
married."
Efficiency Expert
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the
only open table. As he sat down, he knocked
the spoon off the table with his elbow. A
nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket,
pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the
table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the
waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an
Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He

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Joketor 1
determined that 18% of our diners knock the
spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons
with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The
diner ate his meal. As he was paying the
waiter, he commented, "Forgive the
intrusion, but do you know that you have a
string hanging from your fly?" The waiter
replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the
same Efficiency Expert determined that we
spend too much time washing our hands
after using the men's room. So, the other end
of that string is tied to my penis. When I need
to go, simply pull the string, do my thing, and
then return to work. Having never touched
myself, there really is no need to wash my
hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute,"
said the diner, "how do you get your penis
back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know
about the other guys, but I use the spoon.
Einstein
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds
of the speaker's circuit, he usually found
himself eagerly longing to get back to his
laboratory work. One night as they were
driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner,
Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man
who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks &
manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said.
"I've heard you give this speech so many
times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein
laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do
it!" When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein
donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and
sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur
gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's
speech and even answered a few questions
expertly. Then a supremely pompous
professor asked an extremely esoteric
question about anti-matter formation,
digressing here and there to let everyone in
the audience know that he was nobody's
fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur
fixed the professor with a steely stare and

said: "Sir, the answer to that question is so

simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is
sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Elderly
While working for an organization that
delivers lunches to elderly Shut-ins, I used to
take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. The Various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One
day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth
soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
Inevitable barrage of questions, she merely
turned and whispered, "The Tooth Fairy will
never believe this!"
Elderly: Backseat
An elderly Californian called 911 on her cell
phone to report that her car has been broken
into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen
the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is
on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got
into the back-seat by mistake."
Elderly: Family
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a
house together. One night the 96 year old
draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I
getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year
old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
see." She starts up the stairs and pauses
"Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92
year old is sitting at the kitchen table having
tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her
head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful. She knocked on her chair." She
then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you
as soon as I see who's at the door."
Elderly: My hearing is just fine
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss,
were playing golf one fine March day. One

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Joketor 1
remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No,"
the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's
have a beer."
Elderly: Romance
An older couple were lying in bed one night.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife
was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when
we were courting." Wearily he reached
across, held her hand for a second and tried
to get back to sleep. A few moments later
she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck
on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you
used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back
the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where
are you going?" she asked. "To get my
teeth!"
Elderly: Old Friends
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
decades. Over the years, they had shared all
kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a
few times a week to play cards. One day,
they were playing cards when one looked at
the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me
... I know we've been friends for a long time
but I just can't think of your name! I've
thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend
glared at her. For at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Elderly: Senior Driving
As a senior citizen was driving down the
freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he
heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"George, I just heard on the news that there's
a car going the wrong way on Interstate 95.
Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's
not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Elderly: Driving

Two elderly women were out driving in a

large car both could barely see over the
dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
came to an intersection. The stoplight was
red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to
herself "I must be losing it. I could have
sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to
another intersection and the light was red
again. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost
sure that the light had been red but was
really concerned that she was losing it. She
was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went
on through So, she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mary, did you know that
we just ran through three red lights in a row?
You could have killed us both!" Mary turned
to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
Elderly - 2 People
This is the story of two elderly people living in
a Florida mobile home park. He was a
widower and she a widow. They had known
one another for a number of years. Now,
one evening there was a community supper
in the big activity center. These two were at
the same table, across from one another. As
the meal went on, he made a few admiring
glances at her and finally gathered up his
courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful
consideration, ' she answered. "Yes, Yes, I
will." The meal ended and with a few more
pleasant exchanges, they went to their
respective places. Next morning, he was
troubled. Did she say 'yes' or did she say
'no'? He couldn't remember. Try as he would,
he just could not recall. Not even a faint
memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained
to her that he didn't remember as well as he
used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening

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Joketor 1
past. As he gained a little more courage, he
then inquired of her, "When I asked if you
would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you
say 'No'?" He was delighted to hear her say,
"Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it
with all my heart." Then she continued, "And
I am so glad that you called, because I
couldn't remember who had asked me."
Elepante at Daga
May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang
hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong
ng daga? DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama!
Elepante at Daga, next
Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala
nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang
elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang
resulta ng ultrasound. Biglang hinimatay ang
daga. Ano ang ibinulong ng elepante?
Elepante: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang
anak natin, at kambal sila!
Elephant and Mouse
An elephant is walking through the jungle
one day when she gets a thorn stuck in her
foot. The further she walks, the more it
hurts. After a while, she starts to limp. As she
limps along, a mouse walks up and asks,
"Hey, what's the matter?" "I've got this thorn
in my foot and I would do *anything* to get
it out." The ant says, "Anything? Well,
would you let me screw you?" The elephant
thinks about it for a minute and decides "Why
not? How bad could a mouse be?" So she
agrees. The mouse starts pulling on the
thorn and, eventually, gets it out. True to her
word, the elephant then lays down on her
side and moves her tail out of the way. The
mouse crawls up and starts going to town. A
monkey up in a coconut palm is watching all
this. He can't quite believe his eyes. As the
mouse mounts the pachyderm, the monkey
starts laughing and rolling around in the tree.
His actions knock a coconut out of the tree
and it falls and hits the elephant right

between the ears. The elephant moans

loudly in pain, "Awwoooohhhhh!" Hearing
this, the mouse yells out at the top of his
voice, "Take it all baby, take it all!"
Embarrassing Medical Exams
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My
wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I
grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted
the lady's dress, and began to take off her
underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong
one.
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a
stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf
female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big
breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be,"
replied the patient.
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?" I asked. "The patch, the nurse told me
to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him
quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.
5. While acquainting myself with a new
elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you
been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered..."Why, not for
about twenty years - when my husband was
alive."
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So
how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very
good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't

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Joketor 1
seem to get used to the taste" the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the
woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY
Jelly."
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency
Room when a young woman with purple hair
styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a
variety of tattoos, and wearing strange
clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so
she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the
operating table, the staff noticed that her
pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it
there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the
grass." Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the
lawn."
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency
in O B, I was quite embarrassed when
performing female pelvic exams. To cover
my embarrassment I had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly. The middleaged lady upon whom I was performing this
exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling
you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song
you were whistling was, "I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener".
English language
English Language Lessons! No wonder the
English language is so very difficult to learn:
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the
present.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does
are present.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my
clothes.
Epitaph
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the
day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The
husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My
Wife -- Cold As Ever'!" "Yeah?" she replies.
"When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At
Last'!"
Erap Joke - kurtina
TINDERO: Sir bili na kayo ng kurtina!
ERAP: Sige, bibili ako para sa computer ko!
TINDERO: Bakit po para sa computer?
ERAP: Eh pano, may Windows din kasi yun!
Erap Joke - Decaf
Erap went to Starbucks...
Erap: Isang kape nga!
Waiter: Decaf po ba?
Erap: (mad) Aba syempre, alangan naman
de plato!
Erap Joke - Esc
Tumatakbo si ERAP galing computer room
na sinusundan ng staff: "Sir bakit ka
tumatakbo?"
Erap: Tatakas ako, sabi kasi ng computer
'press Ctrl then Escape'.
Erap Joke - Hinog
Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno,
pisilin mo bunga kung hinog na.
FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare
hinog na.
Erap: Sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.
Erap Joke - Ten Feet
FVR: Erap may gift ako para sa'yo galing pa
sa India ! It's a 10 ft. snake.
Erap: Ows! Niloloko mo naman ako eh, 10
ft? Hoy di ako ganon ka tanga! Ang snake
walang FEET!

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Joketor 1
Erap Joke - No Applause
Erap delivering speech at the mental
hospital. Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si
ERAP! PSG seeing one guy not cheering:
Bakit di ka sumabay sa kanila?
Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako dito
Erap Joke - Bush
Bush visited the Philippines and Erap acted
as translator:
Bush: Lets help one another.
Erap: Tayo'y magtulungan.
Bush: Let's strive together.
Erap: Tayo'y magsikap.
Bush: Because in union there is strength.
Erap: Dahil sa sibuyas may titigas!
Erap Joke - Breast Enhance
Loi: "May mga friends ako nagpa-enhance
ng suso. Ok lang ba sayo kung
magpadagdag din ako?
Erap: "Ewan ko, paranghindi yata bagay
sayo ang tatlong suso."
Erap Joke - Chowking
Erap: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a
chicken bone!
Doctor: Is it choking?
Erap: No doc. It's Max's!
Doctor: I didn't mean chowking. I said, are
you choking?
Erap: No doc, I'm serious!
Erap Joke - Extradition or Expedition
Erap: Hayop na Atong yan! Ang dami na
ngang problema bumili pa ng kotse.
Loi: Anong kotse?
Erap: Ayan. Sabi ng dyaryo, Extradition!
Erap Joke - Dilig
Erap: Tamad! Di ba sabi ko sayo diligan mo
ang mga halaman!
Hardinero: Sir, umuulan naman po kasi eh!
Erap: Magpapalusot ka pa! Tanga!.....Eh di
magkapote ka!
Erap Joke - Flight
ERAP: Hello, I would like to inquire how long
is the flight to San Francisco?
OPERATOR: Just a minute, Sir..

ERAP: Really? Thank you..

Erap Joke - Louder Horn
LOI : Sweetheart, something is wrong with
my car...can you fix those brakes?
An hour past....
ERAP : Honey, I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder.
Erap Joke - Dagat Maalat
JINGGOY: Dad, bakit ba maalat ang dagat?
ERAP: Sinadya yan ni Lord para sa ganun
hindi mapanis ang mga isda..
Erap Joke - Mass Starvation
GMA: I'm planning to stop poverty and mass
starvation.
Erap: Alam mo Gloria.. yung poverty
madaling pigilin... pero ang Masturbation.
Aba eh magisip-isip ka muna... Human rights
violation yan!
Erap Joke - Lens Cleaner
ERAP: Soli ko tong nabili kong DVD.
FPJ: Anong problema?
ERAP: Walang picture, tsaka sound.
Sayang. Suspense thriller pa yata to. Tsk,
tsk...
FPJ: Anong title?
ERAP: "The Lens Cleaner"
Erap Joke - Funeral
At a funeral...
ERAP: Tara na, Jinggoy. Alis na tayo!
JINGGOY: Kararating pa lang natin a!
ERAP: Naku mahirap nang maiwan. Basahin
mo o: "REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED."
Erap Joke - Puzzle
ERAP: Mare, ang bilis kong nabuo 'tong
puzzle!
GLORIA: Talaga? Gaano kabilis?
ERAP: 5 months!
GLORIA: Tagal naman!
ERAP: Tagal ba 'yun? Nakalagay nga dito sa
box: "for 3 years & up"!
Erap Joke - Shampoo
Erap: Lintik na shampoo to ayaw bumula
Maid: Sir eh hindi pa po basa buhok niyo

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Joketor 1
Erap : eh for Dry Hair nga eh.
Erap Joke - Wristband
Naliligo si Erap ng biglang lumindol...
Taranta siyang lumabas na hubo't hubad......
Guard: Sir, may nakalimutan po ata kayong
suotin....
Erap: Ay shet! ang Wristband ko!.. Oh No!
Escape
BALIW (tumawag sa mental hospital): Hello
May tao po ba sa Room 168?
Telephone Operator: Wala po, Bakit?
Baliw: Check ko lang kung nakatakas talaga
ako!
Ethics
Sa isang classroom...
Titser: Class, what is ETHICS?
Pilo: Etiks are smaller than ducks.
Titser: Okey, that duck will lay an egg
in your card.
Eye Exam
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply
for a driver's license. First, of course, he had
to take an eye sight test The optician showed
him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S
T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician
asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I
know the guy."
Exposed (Adult)
The nurse was walking down the hospital
corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn't believe it. The
nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress
wrinkled, and one of her breasts was
hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"Miss Nurse! How can you account for
parading around the hospital with your breast
exposed!" "Oh," said the nurse, as she
stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They never put
anything back when they're through using it!"
Family
Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and
Eve!
Student: That's not true! My dad sez we are

descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your
FAMILY!
Family Approval
BETH: Halata na ang tiyan mo. Bakit hindi pa
kayo papakasal ng BF mo?
MARIA: Ayaw ng pamilya niya eh.
BETH: Sino may ayaw, tatay o Nanay?
MARIA: Yung misis niya.
Fart Escuses
Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!
Fatal
Eighty-two-year-old man weds 18-year-old
girl.
Family doctor warns: "Lolo, sex with her can
be fatal."
Lolo: "Well, if she dies, she dies. Ganyan
talaga!"
Farmers Terrible Day
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
getting soused when a man comes in and
sits down beside him, "Hey, why are you
sitting here on this beautiful day getting
drunk?" The farmer replies, "Some things
you just can't explain." "So what happened
that's so horrible?" asks the man. "Well,
today" says the farmer, "I was sitting milking
my cow. Just as I got the bucket about full,
she took her left leg and kicked over the
bucket. The man looks at the farmer and
says, "Haven't you heard, it's no use crying
over spilt milk." The farmer looks down,
gulps another drink and says, "Some things
you just can't explain." "Ok," said the man,
"what happened then?" "I took her left leg
and tied it to the post on the left," said the
farmer. "Yeah. And then?" asked the man.
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk
her," said the farmer. "And just as I got the
bucket about full, she took her right leg and
kicked over the bucket!" "What's two buckets

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Joketor 1
of milk in the big picture?" said the man.
"Don't sweat it." The farmer looks down,
shakes his head, downs another drink and
says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"Alright," says the man, "what did you do
then?" "This time," he says, "I took her right
leg and tied it to the post on the right."
"Makes sense," says the man, "then what?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her
again," he said. "And just as I got the bucket
about full, the stupid cow knocked over the
bucket with her tail." "Hmmm," says the man
as he nods understandingly. "Just think of it
as a test of your patience and forget about
it." Again the farmer pounds another drink
and says, "Some things you just can't
explain."
"So," said the man, "what
happened next?" "Well, I didn't have any
more rope," replied the farmer, "so I took off
my belt, got behind her and tied her tail to the
rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down
and my wife walked in....."
Favorable Math
My friends and I were on a beer run and
noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave
us a 20% discount....
Feels like Babies
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement
center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says: "Slim,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of
aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just
like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a
newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth,
and I think I just wet my pants.
Fertility
Two women were sitting in the doctor's
waiting room comparing notes on their
various disorders. "I want a baby more than
anything in the world," said the first,
"but I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel

just the same way," said the second. "But

then everything changed. That's why I'm
here. I'm going to have a baby in three
months." "You must tell me what you did." "I
went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that.
My husband and I went to one for nearly a
year and it didn't help a bit." The other
woman smiled and whispered, "Try going
alone, next time, dearie."
Fertility Dance
May isang babae na walang anak.
Nagsayaw siya sa Obando, di pa rin
nagkaanak. Sumayaw ng Ati-Atihan, hindi pa
rin siya nagkaanak. Nagsayaw sa
beerhouse, ayun nagkaanak.
Fido the Police dog
Police officers George and Mary, had been
assigned to walk the beat. They had only
been out a short while when Mary said,
"Damn, I was running late this morning after
my workout and after I showered, I forgot to
put on my panties! We have to go back to the
station to get them." George replied, "We
don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit,
Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for
you." It was a hot day and Mary didn't feel
like heading back to the station, so she lifted
her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots
between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After
10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up,
he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash
towards the station house. Five minutes go
by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass,
and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen
minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens
in the distance. The sirens get louder and
louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police
cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk
Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
Filipino Excuse Letters
These are excuse notes from parents
(including original spelling) collected by

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Joketor 1
schools from all over the country.
1. My son is under a doctors care and should
not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
(Hala! Sige. Silya elektrika at bitay. Sabay
pa! O kaya niyo yun?)
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She
was sick and I had her shot.
(Pag nag-absent pala papatayin ka...Baka
may rabies...)
3. Dear School : Please ekscuse John being
absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 & 33.
(Aba grabe to. Nasa kalendaryo pa ang
birthday ko kung ganon. Hahaha!)
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She
is administrating.(Ano daw???? )
5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few
days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and
misplaced his hip. (Hanapin natin!)
6. John has been absent because he had
two teeth taken out of his face.
(Bwehehehe...wla ako masabi... Bwahahaha!
Ganito kasi yan. Kinagat siya ni Lola sa noo
sa gigil. Tapos nabali yung ngipin ng pustiso
niya. Hahaha!!!)
7. Megan could not come to school today
because she has been bothered by very
close veins. (Buti pa veins niya. Close sila.
Hahahaha!!!)
8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He
has very loose vowels. (Aah.....eh. -...i.... .ow....u. .-..)
9. Irving was absent yesterday because he
missed his bust. (So transsexual pala si
Irving?)
10. Sally wont be in school a week from
Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
(Mabuhay ang patay!! Mayroong himala!!!)
11. Please excuse Jason for being absent
yesterday. He had a cold and could not
breed well. (Stud service ba yung school
nya? Baka gremlin siya.)
12. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was
having a gangover. (Ay grabe! Iba na talaga
ang mga kabataan ngayon. Hahaha!)

13. Maryann was absent December 11-16,

because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was
also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother
had a low grade fever and ached all over. I
wasnt the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her
father even got hot last night. (Hahaha,
telenovela... bow. Makuwento siya ha...
Kulang lang sa pansin...)
14. Please excuse Jennifer for missing
school yesterday. We forgot to get the
Sunday paper off the porch, and when we
found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
(Winner to!!!!!!!!!! Ang galing!!!! Puwede rin
kaya sa office ito?)
First Time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time. The boy is
ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to
get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about
condoms and sex. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack,
or family pack. The boy insists on the family
pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and
all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the
door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside
and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass,

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Joketor 1
and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious." The boy turns, and whispers
back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."
Five Famous Jewish Men
Five Jewish men influenced the history of
Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative
Five Months
Erap: Pare, ang bilis ko natapos buuin yung
puzzle!
Juan: Talaga pare? Gaano kabilis?
Erap: 5 months!
Juan: Ang tagal naman!
Erap Tanga! Anong matagal?!
Nakalagay nga dito "For 3 years and up!"
Forgetful - Who?
While on a car trip, an elderly couple stopped
at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After
finishing
their
meal,
the
elderly
woman left her glasses on the table, but she
didn't miss them until they were back on the
highway. By then, they had to travel
quite a distance before they could find a
place to turn around. The elderly man fussed
and complained all the way back to the
restaurant. He called his wife every bad
name he could think of. When they finally
arrived at the restaurant, as the woman got
out of the car to retrieve her glasses, the
man yelled to her, "While you're in there,
you might as well get my hat, too."
Fortune
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would
you have married me if my father hadn't left
me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied
sweetly, "I'd have married you no matter who

left you a fortune!

Four-letter Words
A young couple got married and left on their
honeymoon. When they got back the bride
immediately called her mother. "Well," said
her mother, "how was the honeymoon?" "Oh,
mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was
wonderful! So romantic." Suddenly she burst
out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we
returned, Sam started using the most horrible
language. Things I'd never heard before! I
mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've
got to come get me and take me home...
PLEASE MAMA!" "Sarah, Sarah," her
mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what
could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept
the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed-they're
just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE !!!
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has
you so upset... Tell your mother these
horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the
bride said, "Oh, mama...words like: Dust,
Wash, Iron, Cook...."I'll pick you up in ten
minutes," said the mother
Free tonite?
Boss asks sexy secretary to a dinner after
overtime: Are you free tonight?
The sexy secretary replies: Sir, ha... Huwag
naman FREE... Bibigyan na lang kita ng
discount!
Funeral
A funeral service is being held for a woman
who has just passedaway. At the end of the
service, the pallbearers are carrying the
casket out when they accidentally bump into
a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan. They open the casket and find that the
woman is actually alive! She lives for 10
more years and then dies. A ceremony is
again held and, at the end of the service, the
pallbearers are once more carrying the
casket. As they are walking out, the husband
shouts, "Watch out for the wall!"

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Joketor 1
Funny Facts - 1
1) If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6
days, you would have produced enough
sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it) If you fart
consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy
of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more
like it).
2) A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my
next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure
this out, and why?)
3) Banging your head against a wall uses
150 calories an hour. (Still can't get over that
pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at
work?)
4) Humans and dolphins are the only species
that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why
Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get
30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair.)
5) The strongest muscle in the body is the
tongue. (Hmmmmmmmmm........)
6) Right-handed people live, on average,
nine years longer than left-handed people
do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the
difference?)
7) The ant can lift 50 times its own weight,
can pull 30 times its own weight and always
falls over on its right side when
intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?)
(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)
8) Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew?
Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask
them?)
9) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the
pond?)
10) The flea can jump 350 times its body
length. It's like a human jumping the length of
a football field. (30 minutes...can you
imagine?? And why pigs?)
11) A cockroach will live nine days without its
head, before it starves to death. (Creepy)
12) The male praying mantis cannot copulate

while its head is attached to its body. The

female initiates sex by ripping the male's
head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....)
(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)
13) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In
my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality
over quantity)
14) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh,
Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)
15) An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)
16) Starfish don't have brains. (I know some
people like that too.)
17) After reading all these, all I can say
is............. Lucky Pigs...
Funny Facts - 2
1) Its physically impossible for you to lick
your elbow.
2) No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven times
3) Venus is the only planet that rotates
clockwise
4) Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at
waking you up in the morning.
5) The king of hearts is the only king without
a moustache.
6) The liquid inside young coconuts can be
used as a substitute for blood plasma.
7) Pearls melt in vinegar.
8) A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one
knows why.
9) Turtles can breathe through their butts.
10) Elephants are the only animals that can't
jump.
11) Women blink nearly twice as much as
men.
12) A snail can sleep for three years.
13) Most dust particles in your house are
dead skin.
14) Mosquito repellents don't repel. They
hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's
sensors so they don't know you're there.
15) Almost everyone who reads this e-mail
will try to lick his or her elbow.

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Joketor 1
Funny Facts 3
1) How long did the Hundred Years War
last? - 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? - Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
- Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the
October Revolution? - November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? - Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are
named after what animal? - Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? - Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? - Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? - New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a
commercial airplane? - Orange, of course.
Funny Facts 4
1) Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens
our skin?
2) Why women can't put on mascara with
their mouth closed?
3) Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
4) Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
5) Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
6) Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you
have to click on "Start"?
7) Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real
lemons?
8) Why is the man who invests all your
money called a broker?
9) Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?
10) Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
11) When dog food is new and improved
tasting, who tests it?
12) Why didn't Noah swat those two
mosquitoes?

13) Why do they sterilize the needle for

lethal injections?
14) You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't they
make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
15) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
16) Why are they called apartments when
they are all stuck together?
17) If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress
the opposite of progress?
18) If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
19) In pharmacology, all drugs have two
names - a trade name and a generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol is
acetaminophen. Aleve is known anaproxen,
Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic
name for Viagra. After consideration by a
team of government experts, it recently
announced it has settled on the generic
name of "mycoxafloppin". Also considered
were
mycoxafailin,
mydixadrupin,
mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of
course ibepokin.
Funny Facts 5
1) Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.
2) Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
3) Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
4) Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them
in.
5) What do electric trains and breasts have in
common? They're intended for children, but
it's the men who usually end up playing with
them.
6) Why do men snore when they lay on their
backs? Because their balls fall over their
assholes and they vapor lock.
7) Why do men masturbate? It's sex with
someone they love.

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Joketor 1
8) Why were men given larger brains than
dogs? So they won't hump women's legs at
cocktail parties.
9) Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm
white? So he can tell if he is coming or going.
10) How many honest, intelligent, caring men
in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
11) Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
12) Why does it take one million sperm to
fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask
directions.
13) What do men and sperm have in
common? They both have a one-in-a-million
chance of becoming a human being.
14) How does a man show that he is
planning for the future? He buys TWO cases
of beer.
15) What is the difference between men and
government bonds? The bonds mature.
16) Why are blonde jokes so short? So men
can remember them.
17) How many men does it take to change a
roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it has
never happened.
18) Why is it difficult to find men who are
sensitive, caring and good looking? They all
already have boyfriends.
19) What do you call a woman who knows
where her husband is every night? A widow.
20) Why are married women heavier than
single women? Single women come home,
see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in
the bed and go to the fridge.
21) How are men and parking lots alike?
Good ones are always taken, free ones are
mostly handicapped or extremely small.
22) What is the one thing that all men at
singles bars have in common? They are
married.
Furniture Business
Mr. Smith had established a furniture store in

his Small hometown and was doing quite

well. . He decided to expand the lines he
carried by adding some expensive French
furniture he knew no one else in town
carried. He scheduled a buying trip to
France. His first day in Paris was very
successful
and
he
found
a
number of pieces he thought he could
profitably sell back home. After the
arrangements were made to begin shipping
this furniture back home to the USA. He
decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a
small sidewalk The place was jammed, but
he managed to find an empty table.
Just about the time his wine arrived, a
beautiful girl came by and motioned to the
empty chair at his table with a
questioning look on her face. He assumed
she wanted to sit with him and nodded his
head "yes." The girl sat down with him. The
girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he
understood not one word of French. He tried
to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not
one word of English. He had an idea. He
took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a
question mark. She nodded her head "yes."
They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it
was just about finished, the Mr. Smith
realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took
another napkin and drew a picture of two
people at a table eating dinner. She nodded
her head "yes" and took him by the hand.
She led him down the street to a
very nice restaurant. They went in. The girl
spoke with the head waiter and they were
seated in a quiet corner where they could
hear the band playing and see the dance
floor. Mr Smith could not read the menu
since it was in French, so he allowed the girl
to order for him. The food was excellent and
the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After
dinner, he took a napkin and drew a picture
of a couple dancing. She nodded her head
"yes" and they danced to every song the

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Joketor 1
band played, whether fast or slow. When the
band quit playing and began to pack away
their instruments, the couple returned to their
table. The girl took a napkin and reached for
the his pen. He handed it to her and she
drew a picture of a four poster bed. And, he
is still wondering to this day how she knew
he was in the furniture business!
Gender change
After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng
girl sa ano ng boy.
BOY: Gusto mo pa uli?
GIRL: Hindi, namimiss ko lang... Meron kase
ako nito dati eh.
Gender: Things
You may not know that many non-living
things have a gender. For example:
1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because
they hold everything in, but you can see right
through them.
2) Copiers -- They are Female, because
once turned off, it takes a while to warm
them up again. It's an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are pushed, but
can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are
pushed.
3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's
often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it
to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under
it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always
getting hit on.
7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same
old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time,
the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't
changed much over the last 5,000 years, but
it's
handy
to
have
around.
10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You
thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it

gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it,

and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.
General: Oras (Pinoy)
Pare A: Anong oras na, Pare?
Pare B: Pambihira ka naman. Mayroon kang
reloj. Bakit hindi mo tingnan ang reloj mo.
Pare A: Advance kasi ito ng 15 minutes!
General: Time (English)
Gent A: Hey Guy, what time is it?
Gent B: Are you crazy? Why dont you look
at your watch you are wearing?
Gent A: I cannot. I advanced its time by 15
minutes!
Gen. Tinio St.
Bakit ayaw bumaba sa jeep ang mga babae
sa corner Gen. Tinio St sa Caloocan.......
Kasi, ang sigaw ng driver " O, YUNG MGA
BABABA, KANTO TINIO NA.
George Burns
When George Burns was 97 years old he
was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. She said,
"Mr. Burns how do you carry so much energy
with you? You are always working and at
your age I think that is remarkable." Mr.
Burns said," I just take good care of myself
and enjoy what I do when I do it." Oprah
said," I understand you still do the sex thing,
even at your age." George said, "Of course I
still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
it." Oprah said, "I have never been with an
older man, would you do it with me?" So they
had sex and when they finished Oprah said,
"I just don't believe I have never been so
satisfied ... you are a remarkable man."
George said, "The second time is even
better than the first time." Oprah said, "You
can really do it again at your age?" George
said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You
hold my testicles in your left hand and my
penis in your right hand and wake me up in
thirty minutes." When she woke him up, they
again had great sex, and Oprah was beside
herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I

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Joketor 1
am astounded that you could do a
repeat performance and have it be better
than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh
My!" George said that the third time would be
even better. "You just hold my testicles in
your left hand and my penis in your right
hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Does my holding you like that
kind of ... um, recharge your batteries?"
George said, "No, but the last time I had sex
with a black woman, she stole my wallet"
George Carlin Theory
"The most unfair thing about life is the way it
ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of
your time. What do you get at the end of
it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the
life cycle is all back-wards. You should die
first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an
old age home. You get kicked out when
you're too young, you get a gold watch, you
go to work. You work forty years until you're
young enough to enjoy your retirement. You
do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready
for high school. You go to grade school, you
become a kid, you play, you have no
responsibilities, you become a little baby, you
go back into the womb, you spend your last
nine months floating. . .you finish off as an
orgasm."
Get Married in Heaven
On their way to get married, a young Catholic
couple are involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside
the Pearly Gates waiting for St.
Peter to process them into Heaven. While
waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they
possibly get married in Heaven? When St.
Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter
says, "I don't know. This is the first time
anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and
he leaves. The couple sat and waited, and
waited. Two months passed; and the couple
is still waiting. As they waited, they
discussed that IF they were allowed to

get married in Heaven, what was the eternal

aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they
wondered, "Are we stuck together
FOREVER?" After yet another month, St.
Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple,
"you CAN get married in Heaven." "Great!"
said the couple, "But we were just
wondering, what if things don't work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his
clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?"
asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME
ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three
months to find a priest up here! Do you have
ANY idea how long it would take me to find a
LAWYER?"
Getting Old
Getting old is not for sissies. I feel like my
body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got
my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising... I decided to take an
aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted,
gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired
for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards
on, the class was over.
GF
Pare 1: Pare, sa wakas nag ka GF na rin
ako!!
Pare 2: Bakit!?! Ngayon ka lang ba nagka
GF?
Pare 1: Oo pare! sobrang higpit kasi ni Misis
eh! Ngayon lang ako nakalusot!
GF, CG and Wife
What is the difference between a
girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
Sagot: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.
Gifted Child
1st MONTH: He said, "MAMA".
2nd MONTH: He said, "PAPA".
3rd MONTH: He said, "DEDE, YAYA".
4th MONTH: He said, "MAMA, PAPA DEDE
YAYA!"

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Joketor 1
Gino
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kape ko.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Gino, paabot nga ng kutchara.
APO: 'lo, Gina po.
LOLO: Punyeta ka, Gino! Tigil-tigilan mo
yang kabaklaan mo!
Glad Visit to Doctor
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
examining room, waiting for the doctor to
come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor
arrived, and examined the baby, checking his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if
the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
"Breast-fed, " she replied. "Well, strip down
to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did as
she was told and he pinched her nipples,
pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts
for a while in a very professional and detailed
examination. Motioning to her to get dressed
the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk." "I
know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm
VERY glad I came."
Golf (Adult)
Four guys who worked together always
golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday.
Unfortunately, one of them got transferred
out of town and they were talking about
trying to fill out the foursome. A woman
standing near the tee said, "Hey, I like to
golf, can I join the group?" They were
hesitant, but said she could come once to try
it and they could see what they thought.
They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right
at 6:30, and wound up setting a course
record with a 7-under par round. The guys
went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun
and pleasant the entire round. The guys
happily invited her back the next week and
she said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45."
Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday

morning. Only this time, she played lefthanded, and matched her 7-under par score
of the previous week. By now the guys were
totally amazed, and they asked her to join
the group for keeps. They had a beer after
their round, and one of the guys asked her,
"How do you decide if you're going to
golf right-handed or left-handed?" She said,
"That's easy. Before I leave for the golf
course, I pull the covers off my husband,
who sleeps in the nude. If his member is
pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's
pointed to the left, golf left-handed." One of
the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight
up?"
She said, "Then I'll be here at 6:45."
Golfer
One day, a man came home and was
greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you
can do anything you want." So he tied her up
and went golfing.
Good Husband
A wife comes home early one day and finds
her husband in their bed making love to a
beautiful, sexy young woman. "You
unfaithful, disrespectful pig! How dare you do
this to me your faithful wife, the mother of
your children! I'm leaving this house and I
want a divorce!" The husband replies, "Just
wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened." "Hmmmmm, I
don't know. Well, okay, but it'll be the last
thing I ever hear from you. Make it fast, you
lying, cheating dog!" The husband begins to
tell his story. "While I was driving home, this
woman stopped me and asked me for a ride.
She was so young and defenseless that I
went ahead and let her in the car.!
I noticed she was very thin, not well dressed,
and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten
in three days. With great compassion and
caring I brought her home and warmed up
the enchiladas I made for you last night that

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Joketor 1
you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
gain weight. The poor thing devoured them.
Since she was very dirty, I asked her if she'd
like to take a shower. While she was
showering, I noticed her clothes were filthy
and full of holes, so I threw them away. Since
she then needed some clothes, I gave her a
pair of jeans you've had for a few years and
can no longer wear because they're too tight
on you. I also gave her the blouse I gave you
on our anniversary that you won't wear
because you think I don't have good taste. I
gave her the pullover my sister gave you for
Christmas that you won't wear just to bug my
sister, and I also gave her the boots you
bought at that expensive boutique and have
worn only once after seeing one of your coworkers wearing the same pair." The
husband continues his story. . . "The young
woman was very grateful to me, and as we
were walking to the door she suddenly
stopped and turned to me, tears streaming
down her face, and said, "Sir, do you have
anything else your wife doesn't use?"
Good Man Daw!
Namatay ang isang mister na babaero. Sa
requiem mass, sinabi ng pari patungkol sa
namatay, "An honest man, a good man, a
family man" et cetera. Binulungan ng biyuda
ang panganay na anak, "Pakisilip nga ang
kabaong kung ang daddy mo nga ang nasa
loob!"
Good Manners
Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.
Inay: Bakit naman?
Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang
at magpo at opo?
Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?
Good News and Bad News
An old man visits his doctor and after
thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I
have good news and bad news, what would
you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news

first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that
you have about two years left."
Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two
years my life will be over! What kind of good
news could you probably tell me, after this?"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about
three months you are going to forget
everything I told you."
Good Partners
Bigo ka ba sa luv? eto mga gud partner
Kuba: Mapagkumbaba
Pilay: Hindi ka tatakbuhan
Bulag: walang paki sa looks mo
Pipi: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words
Duling: Hindi ka hahayaang mag isa!
Good Penance
There once was a young woman who went to
confession. Upon entering the confessional
she said, "Forgive me Father, for I
have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your
sins and be forgiven." The young woman
said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad
passionate love to me seven times." The
priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and
then drink the juice." The young woman
asked, "That will taste awful. Will this cleanse
me of my sins?" The Priest said "No, but it
will wipe that smile off of your face."
Government Job
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply
for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have
you been in the service?" "Yes," he says. "I
was in Vietnam for three years." The
interviewer says, "That will give you extra
points toward employment" and then asks,
"Are you disabled in any way? The guy says,
"Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near
me and blew my testicles off." The
interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you
right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to
4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in

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Joketor 1
at 10:00 A.M." The guy is puzzled and says,
"If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.
then why do you want me to come in at
10:00 A.M.?" "This is a government job" the
interviewer says. "For the first two hours we
stand around scratching our balls.. no point
in you coming in for that (no testicles)."
Granpa
A man came to visit his Grandparents, and
he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the
porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a
shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie
is out in the wind for everyone to see!" he
exclaimed. The old man looked off in the
distance without answering. "Grandpa, what
are you doing sitting out here with nothing on
below the waist?" he asked again. The old
man slowly looked at him and said, "Well...
last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I
got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's
idea."
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he
heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take
one more step, a brick will fall down on your
head and kill you." The man stopped and a
big brick fell right in front of him. The man
was astonished. He went on, and after
awhile he was going to cross the road. Once
again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still!
If you take one more step a car will run over
you and you will die." The man did as he
was instructed, just as a car came careening
around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are
you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice
answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked...
"And where were you when I got married?"
Gusot-gusot
1st night lola wears see-thru dress, lolo didn't
react...
2nd night lola wears t-back, lolo
still deadma... 3rd night lola all naked, lolo
said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"

Guys Favorite Sayings

To those GUYS who are happily married and
happily single.
a) When a man steals your wife, there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.
b) After marriage, husband and wife become
two sides of a coin; they just can't face each
other, but still they stay together.
c) By all means marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
d) Woman inspires us to great things, and
prevents us from achieving them.
e) The great question... which I have not
been able to answer... is, "What does a
woman want?
f) I had some words with my wife, and she
had some paragraphs with me.
g) "Some people ask the secret of our long
marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant
two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music anddancing. She goes Tuesdays,
I go Fridays."
h) "I don't worry about terrorism. I was
married for two years."
i) "There's a way of transferring funds that is
even faster than electronic banking. It's
called marriage."
j) "I've had bad luck with both my wives. The
first one left me, and the second one didn't."
k) Two secrets to keep your marriage
brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit
it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
l) The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday is to forget it once...
m) You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
n) My wife and I were happy for twenty
years. Then we met.
o) A good wife always forgives her husband
when she's wrong.
p) Marriage is the only war where one sleeps

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Joketor 1
with the enemy.
q) A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Wife wanted". Next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
r) First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Gynecologist
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and
all his professionalism flew out the window.
He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke
her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do
you know what I am doing?" "Yes," she
replied, "You are checking for abrasions or
dermatological abnormalities." "That's right,"
said the doctor. He then began to fondle her
breasts. "Do you know what I am doing
now?" he asked. "Yes," she said, "You are
checking for lumps which might indicate
breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady
doctor.
Finally,
he
mounted
his
patient and started having sexual intercourse
with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am
doing now?" "Yes," she said, "You're getting
herpes: which is why I came here in the first
place."
Hanap
Bugaw: Sir, Chicks P1,500, estudiante!
Man: Ganun ba? Hanapan mo ako ng mga
P1,000 lang pero mas magaling pa sa
estudiante.
Bugaw: Meron din, sir. Teacher ito, mas
magaling yun!
Happiness
Nag-asawa si Inday ng Kano at kinuha siya
sa Iloilo para manirahan sila sa Amerika.
Nang dumating sila sa airport ng New York,
tinanong si Inday ng isang custom's officer,
"What are you most looking forward to see in
America?"
Sagot ni Inday, " A-P-e-n-i-s "
Bumulong ang asawang Kano, "Honey, in
America, we pronounce that word, 'appiness'

Hat
An old lady was standing at the railing of the
cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it
would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said: "Pardon me,
madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did
you know that your dress is blowing up in
this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in
earnest. The woman looked down, then back
up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything
you see down there is 85 years old. The hat
is brand new."
Health Advisory
"Beer contains female hormones, and can
turn men into women. After 5 pints.... men
become talkative, unreasonable, irritable, cry
for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"
Hearing Aid
Pedro: Galing ako sa doktor, nakabili nko ng
hearing aid. Grabe! Ang linaw na pandinig
ko!
Juan: Talaga?! Magkano bili mo?
Pedro: Kahapon lang.
Hearing Aid
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just
bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four
thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect." "Really," answered the neighbor.
"What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."
Hearing Aid
An elderly couple was attending church
services when about halfway through she
leans over and says to him, "I just had a
silent passing of gas, what do you think I
should do?" He leans over to her and
replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing
aid."
Hearing Problem
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing
problems for a number of years. He went to
the doctor and the doctor was able to have

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Joketor 1
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that
allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to
the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing
is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again." The gentleman
replied, "I haven't told thm. I just sit listen to
them. I've changed my will three times!"
Hearse Driver
Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...
WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...
Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa
taxi. 25 years po kasi ako driver ng funerary.
Heart Murmur (Hot Mamma)
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the
doctor to get a physical. A few days later the
doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A
couple of days later the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what
you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that.
I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be
careful.
Heavens Gate
At the Pearly gates:
St. Peter: Anong trabaho mo nang buhay ka
pa sa lupa?
Sexy Girl: Wala pong pinag-iba sa trabaho
ninyo. Taga bukas po ng langit.
Hell
WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko.
Sabi nya "GO TO HELL". Kaya ito uwi agad
ako.
Hide and Seek
GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If you find me,
papayag akong makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Nasa likod lang ako ng piano...
High Sex Drive
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's

office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive

lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're
97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in
your head?" "You're darned right it is!"
replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!"
Hindi Kanya
Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away!
Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at
maganda!"
Wife: "Susme! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya...!"
Hini Po
Judge: "Hinawakan mo ba ang hita ng
babaeng ito?"
Ngongo: "Hini po, hini po, your honor."
Judge: "Pilosopo! Hinawakan o hinipo,
pareho lang 'yun! GUILTY!"
Hippie and Nun
A hippie gets on a bus and proceeds to sit
across from a Nun in the front seat. Through
her heavy head piece he just spots a
glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves,
and her vestments cannot hide the fact she
has a truly phenomenal body. The hippie
gets more and more excited until he finally
approaches the nun and says "Sister, I don't
normally do this sort of thing, but I'm very
attracted to you. Can we get together some
time?" The Nun, surprised by the question,
politely declines and gets off at the next stop.
When the bus starts on its way the bus driver
says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you
how you can get that nun to have sex with
you." The hippie of course says that he'd
love to know, so the bus driver tells him that
every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun
goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord.
"With your long hair and beard," said the bus
driver "you could dress in white robes, tell
her you're Jesus and command her to
have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides
to try this out, so that Tuesday he goes

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to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right
on schedule the nun shows up. When she's
in the middle of praying the hippie walks out
from hiding, wearing a hooded white
robe. "I am the Son of God, I have heard
your prayers and I will answer them, but you
must have sex with me first." The nun is
flabbergasted but says she will concede to
his wishes with one condition - she asks for
anal sex so she might keep her
virginity. The hippie agrees to this and
quickly sets about going to work
on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips
off his hood and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the
hippie!!" The nun rips of her garments and
shouts out, Ha ha, Im the bus driver!
Hippo
Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?
Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!
Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!
Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng
hippopotamus, bobo!
Holdupper
Holdupper: Akin na ang pera mo.
Lalaki: Wala akong pera.
Holdupper: Kung ganoon, akin na ang asawa
mo.
Lalaki: Walang hiya ka! Bakit ngayon ka lang
dumating sa buhay ko?
Hole in One
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and
realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and
sunny early spring day, decided he just had
to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor
that he was feeling sick and persuaded him
to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton
headed out of town to a golf course about
forty miles away. This way he knew he
wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew
from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he
was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning
and everyone else was in church! At about
this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord

while looking down from the heavens and

exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get
away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed,
and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father
Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards
the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and
fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE
IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He
looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you
let him do that?" The Lord smiled and
replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Honest
Bobo: Pare hulaan mo ugali ko, nagsisimula
sa letter A
Pare: Approachable?
Bobo: Mali
Pare: Amiable?
Bobo: Mali pa rin
Pare: O sige siret na!
Bobo: ANEST wehehe!!!
Honesty
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of
the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his
toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and
threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there
thinking for a moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too
then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days
ago.
Horoscope
Sweethearts watchin' da sky...
GUY: Ano ang horoscope mo?
GIRL: Anong huruskup?
GUY: Yung bang kapalaran mo, katulad ko,
CANCER.
GIRL: Ah, sa akin ALMURANAS!
Hospital
Lola (may cancer) : Doc, anong gagawin nyo
sa akin?
Doc : Che-chemo lola.(Kiki mo)
Lola: Titi mo rin! Bastos ka! Walang modo!
Hospital Bill

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A man suffered a serious heart attack and
had bypass surgery. He awakened to find
himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic
hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked
how he was going to pay the bill. He replied,
in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the
bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who
could help you?" He said, "Just a spinster
sister, who is a nun." The nun, slightly
perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God." The patient
replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-inlaw."
Howard
The day finally arrived: Freddie dies and
goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly
Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are
closed, however, and Freddie approaches
the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well,
Freddie, there is an entrance exam. The
tests are fairly short, but you need to pass
before you can get into Heaven." Freddie
responds, "Sure hope the test ain't too hard;
life was a big enough test as it was." Saint
Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Freddie. But, the
test I have has only three questions. Here is
the first: What days of the week begin with
the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds
are there in a year? Third, what is God's first
name?" Freddie goes away to think the
questions over. Freddie returns the next day
and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer
the exam questions. Saint Peter waves him
up and asks, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me
your answers." Freddie says, "Well, the first
one, how many days of the week begin with
the letter 'T? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd
be Today and Tomorrow." The saint's eyes
opened wide and he exclaims, "Freddie!
That's not what I was thinking, but...you do
have a point though, and I guess I didn't

specify, so I give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?" says Saint Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?" "Now that
one's harder," says Freddie. "But, I think
hard about that, and I guess the only answer
can be twelve." Astounded, Saint Peter says,
"Twelve! Twelve! Freddie, how could you
come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Freddie says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March
second......." "Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter.
"I see where you're going with it. And I guess
I see your point, though that wasn't quite
what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that
one too." "Let's go on with the next and final
question," says Saint Peter. "Can you tell me
God's first name?" Forrest says, "Well, sure,
I know God's first name. Everybody knows it.
It's Howard." "Howard?!" asks Saint Peter.
"What makes you think it's Howard?!"
Freddie answers, "It's in the prayer." "The
prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"
"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds
Freddie....... "Our Father, which art in
Heaven, Howard be thy name......"
Hows School?
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa
mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
Hugis ng Mundo
Titser: Ano ang hugis ng mundo?
Juan: Kuwadrado po, maam!
Titser: Hindi! Ang mundo ay bilog.
Juan: Pero maam, sabi ng lolo ko, narating
na niya
ang APAT na sulok ng mundo. May sulok po
ba ang bilog?
Humor
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like
most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"

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Joketor 1
He looked at her from head to toe and
replied: "I like your sense of humour."
Husband vs. Wife Rules
A couple were married and, following the
wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at
what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't
expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a
decent meal to be on the table every
evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
with my buddies whenever I want. Those are
my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His
new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me.
But, just understand that there'll be sex here
at seven o'clock every night... whether you're
here or not."
I am Daing
Q: Ano ang sabi ng bangus nang
mamamatay na siya?
A: I'm daing!
I Am Thankful For
1) For the teenager who is not doing dishes
but is watching TV, because that means he
is at home and not on the streets.
2) For the taxes I pay, because it means that
I am employed.
3) For the mess to clean after a party,
because it means that I have been
surrounded by friends.
4) For the clothes that fit a little too snug,
because it means I have enough to eat.
5) For my shadow that watches me work,
because it means I am out in the sunshine.
6) For a lawn that needs mowing, windows
that need cleaning, and gutters that need
fixing, because it means I have a home.
7) For all the complaining I hear about the
government, because it means that we have
freedom of speech.
8) For the parking spot I find at the far end of
the parking lot, because it means I am
capable of walking, and that I have been
blessed with transportation.

9) For my huge heating bill, because it

means I am warm.
10) For the lady behind me in my place of
worship when she sings off key, because it
means that I can hear.
11) For the pile of laundry and ironing,
because it means I have clothes to wear.
12) For weariness and aching muscles at the
end of the day, because it means I have
been capable of working hard.
13) For the alarm that goes off in the early
morning hours, because it means that I am
alive.
and finally....
14) For too much e-mail, because it means I
have friends who are thinking of me.
I remember You
SABI nila nauubos na raw ang mga puno,
isda at ibon sa mundo. Ang masakit pa rito
ay dahan-dahan daw namamatay ang mga
unggoy. Kaya naalala agad kita...ingat ka
ha?
Ibang Posisyon
Husband: Shall we try a different position
tonight?
Wife: Thats a good idea dear!... doon ka sa
may plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa
sofa at manoood ng tv.
Ibang Usapan
Umuwi si Mister ng 4:00 am at nakita niya
ang kanyang Misis na may katalik na lalaki
sa kama.
Misis: (sumigaw) Saan ka galing?
Mister: Sino yang katabi mo?
Misis: GRABE KA! HUWAG MONG IBAHIN
ANG USAPAN!
Idol
TEBAN: Pare sinong idol mo?
GOLIATH: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger.
TEBAN: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger.
GOLIATH: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li
talaga idol ko.
Ilaw Ng Tahanan
ANAK: Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay

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Joketor 1
ILAW NG TAHANAN, Eh ano naman po
tawag sa ama?
INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang
AMA ang taga PUNDI NG ILAW.
In Heat
A female gorilla in a zoon became very
aggressive and difficult to handle. The zoo
veterinarian determined the problem: she
was in heat and wouldn't calm down
until her sexual needs had been met.
"What do we do?" There was no male of this
species available. While reflecting on their
problem, the zoo administrators noticed
Tarzano (Zano for short), an employee
responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Now Zano, it was rumored, possessed ample
ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't
very bright. So the zoo administrators
thought they might have a solution. Perhaps
they could entice to satisfy the female
gorilla. So he was approached with a
proposition: would he be willing to screw the
gorilla for five hundred bucks? Zano replied
that he might be interested, but would have
to think the matter over. The following day,
Zano announced that he would accept their
offer, but only under three conditions: "First,"
he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Second, I want nothing to do with any
offspring that may result from this union."
The zoo administration quickly acceded to
these conditions, but what was the third?
"Well," said Zano, "I'm gonna need another
week to come up with the five hundred
bucks."
Interesting Modern Philosophies
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all
evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired
of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and
opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play
poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure
in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your
body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to
the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary
to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you
learn to drive. (The corollary is: You never
learn to pray until your kids learn to drive!)
The problem with the gene pool is that there
is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of
your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time
you'll have to catch up.
Interview....
A family researcher: sir, sino pong decision
maker sa inyong tahanan?
Husband: Dear, sino raw ang nagdedesisyon
dito sa bahay?
Wife: eh, di siempre ikaw.
Husband: ako raw po, sabi ni misis.
Interview
An Arab was interviewed at the US
Embassy.
Consul: What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab: Six to twelve times a week
Consul: I mean, Male or Female?
Arab: Both male and female, sometimes
even camels
Consul: Holy cow! Arab: Yes, cows and dogs
too.
Consul: Man, isn't it hostile?

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Joketor 1
Arab: Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh dear!
Arab: Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
Isa Lang
Misis: Sir, mananawagan po sana ako sa
mister ko kasi dinala niya ang limang anak
namin.
Radio Host: " Ok, go ahead!"
Misis: " Honey, ibalik mo na ang mga bata,
isa lang naman ang sa Iyo diyan!"
Jewish Confession
An 80 year-old man went into the
confessional and told the priest the following:
"Father, I am an 80 year-old man, I'm
married, I have 4 children and 11
grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had
an affair with two 18 year-old girls. We
partied and made love all night long." The
priest said, "My son, when was the last time
you were at confession?" The old man said,
"I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
The priest said, "Then why are you here
telling me this?" The old man said, "Father,
I'm telling everyone!"
Kabalastugan
#1 - Ano Yung Mas Importante
Bruno: Pare, ano yung mas Mahalaga Tao o
Kabayo?
Alvin: Siyempre yung Tao
Bruno: Mali ka pare
Alvin: Bakit mo naman nasabing Mali ako?
ipaliwanag mo nga
Bruno: Ok, Bakit kapag may Karera ng
Kabayo may Nanonood na Tao? Pero
pag Karera ng Tao may makikita ka bang
Nanonood na Kabayo?
#2 - PARUSA
Isang Araw nangumpisal si Tasyo kay Father
Tasyo: Father mangugumpisal po ako
Father: Anong kasalanan mo anak?
Tasyo: Nagnakaw po ako ng Tatlong Hinog
na Papaya sa Puno ng kapit bahay namin.
Father: Bilang Parusa sa yo, mag dasal ka
ng tatlong beses ng Ama Namin.

Tasyo: Father, baka pwede nyo pong gawing

anim na beses yong Ama Namin.
Father: Bakit Anak, Nagsisi ka ba sa yong
Ginawa?
Tasyo: Hindi po Father
Father: E bakit gusto mong ipadagdag yung
dasal mo?
Tasyo: Kasi po Father May Tatlo pa pong
Hinog na Papaya doon!
#3 - SECRET Just for Fun - a small story
A young man went to his father one day to
tell him that he wanted to get married. His
father was happy for him. He asked his son
who the girl was, and then he told him that it
was Samantha a girl from the
neighborhood. With a sad face the old man
said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I
have to. The girl you want to marry is your
sister, but please don't tell your mother." The
young man again brought 3 more names to
his father but ended up frustrated cause the
response was still the same. So he decides
to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get
married but all the girls that I love, dad said
they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you."
His mother smiling said to him, "Don't worry
my son, you can marry any of those girls.
You're not his son anyway, but please don't
tell your father!!!
# 4 - NGO-NGO - Kaarawan ni James,
nagsimba ng Quiapo upang ipanalangin ang
mga kahilingan niya at magpasalamat na rin
dahil sa kaarawan niya, may nakasalubong
siyang nagtitnda ng tiket, inlaok siya nito
ngunit sampung piso lang ang pera niya sa
bulsa at kung itataya niya ito wala na siyang
pamasahe pauwi, epro kung mananalo nman
siya magkakaroon siya ng maraming
pera...nagpasya siyang ibili ng lang ng tiket
ang pera niya at ipagdadasal na lang niya na
manalo siya. Pagkakuha ng ticket pumasok
na siya ng simbahan "Nyot ko..paamain nyo
po ang ti-et ko na ito". Narinig ng sakristan
ang dalangin ni James, nagtago sa likod ng

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Joketor 1
mga santo at sinabi "wag ka mak alala
paamain ko ti-et mo". Nagulat si James.
"Nyot ko, ngo-ngo din ayo?"
Kain Na Tayo
A good wife would say, "Kain na tayo mahal."
A better wife would say, Kainin mo ako
mahal.
The best wife would say, Pakain ng sa iyo
mahal.
Kalawang
LADY: doc, meron po akong brownish
discharge. Parang na in-fect.
DR : gaano kadalas ka mag sex?
LADY: Once a year po.
DR : Ahh, hindi yan infection, KALAWANG
YAN!!
Kangaroos
Isang araw pagkagaling ni erap bumisita sa
australia
Erap: ang ganda pala ng mga dangaroos sa
australia
Bodyguard: sir, hindi po dangaroos.
kangaroos sir.
Erap: anong hindi, nakasulat doon "Don't
touch this animal, it's dangerous!"
Kasal Cancelled
Boy: Di na tuloy ang kasal natin
Girl: Bakit?!
Boy: Kuya mo kasi eh!
Girl: Hindi no! Gusto ka ng Kuya ko!
Boy: Yun nga eh.. gusto ko rin ang kuya mo!
Kasali
Gustong malaman ng magkaibigan kung
may basketbolan sa langit. Nagkasundo sila
na kung sino ang unang mamatay ay babalik
upang sabihin kung may basketbol sa langit.
Naunang namatay si Dado. Isang gabi, may
narinig na boses si Rodel na parang kay
Dado. 'Ikaw ba 'yan, Dado?' usisa ni Rodel.
'Oo naman!' tugon ni Dado. 'Parang hindi
totoo!' bulalas ni Rodel. 'O, ano, meron bang
basketbol sa langit? 'Sagot ni Dado, 'May
maganda at masama akong balita sa 'yo.
Ang maganda, may basketbol doon. Ang

masama... kasali ka sa makakalaban namin

bukas!'
Ketchup
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup
to come out of the jar. During her struggle
the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
daughter to answer the phone. "It's the
minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then he added, "Mommy can't come
to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle."
Kid in Balcony
John and Marsha decided the only way to
get off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their
ten-year-old son in the apartment... was to
send him out on the balcony and tell him to
report on all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put
their plan into operation. "There's a car being
towed from the parking lot," he said. A few
moments passed. "An ambulance just drove
by." A few more moments passed. "Looks
like the Andersons have company," he called
out. "Matt's riding a new bike."
"The
Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad
shot up in bed. "How do you know their
having sex?" "Their kid is standing out on
the balcony too."
Killer
Killer: Father mangungumpisal po ako
Father: Ano kasalanan mo?
Killer: Pumatay po ako ng 20 tao
Father: Bakit?
Killer: Kasi po naniniwala sila sa Diyos, kayo
po naniniwala ba?
Father: Dati...pero ngayon trip trip na lang
King Arthurs Court
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in
King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing
obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's
voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty
for this would be death. One day he
revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio, who was the King's chief physician.

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Joketor 1
Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need
1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the
Dragon Master readily agreed. The next day
Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and
poured a little of it into the Queens brassiere
while she was taking a bath. Soon after she
dressed the itching commenced and grew in
intensity. Upon being called to the royal
chambers, Horatio told the King that only a
special saliva, if applied for four hours, would
cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown such a saliva was only to be found in
Michael the Dragon Master's mouth. King
Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon
Master. Michael the Dragon Master slipped
the antidote to the itching lotion, which
Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for
the next four hours worked passionately on
the Queen's magnificent breasts. Satisfied,
he returned to his chamber and found
Horatio demanding payment. However, with
his obsession now satisfied, he refused to
pay Horatio anything and shooed him away,
knowing that Horatio could never report this
matter to the King. The next day, Horatio
slipped a massive dose of the same itching
lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth. King
Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon
Master..... Moral of the story: Pay your bills.
Kumpare
DITO MUNA TITIRA
Terya: Mare, pwede ba dito muna ako?
Lumayas kasi ako sa amin dahil buntis ako.
Lydia: Dapat doon ka tumira sa bahay nang
nakabuntis sa 'yo.
Terya: Tama ka mare. Nandyan ba si
kumpare?
Kuya
Gumimik sa mall ang tatlong binatilyo...
Jepoy: Shit! Ang cute nung girl!
Kevin: Sexy pa! Grabe!
Nathan: Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt? Kilala
ko siya!
Tatawagin ko, ha...... Kuyaaahhh!!!

Labada
Parishioner: Father bakit may nakasampay
na duster, bra at panty sa may kumbento?
May asawa ka, ano?
Father: Kung aasa ako sa mga donasyon
nyo, di ako mabubuhay! Tumatanggap
ako ng labada!
Lamon
Nanay: Ang lakas mong lumamon. Pambihira
kang bata!
Anak: Inay, bakit ang baboy natin kapag
malakas kumain natutuwa ka? Sino ba
talaga ang anak mo? Ako o ang baboy
natin?
Last Day
Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko.
Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! Tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa
akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na.
Lawsuit
Eliseo: Sobra na talaga ang katangahan ng
kumare mo. Ang akala niya, ang LAWSUIT
ay uniporme ng pulis!
Joshue: Sus! Tanga nga! Eh di ba, uniporme
ng abugado yun?!
Letters
Letter from husband (who is abroad) to wife
Dear Sweetheart:
I can't send my salary this month, so I am
sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart..
Your husband
XOXO
His wife replied back after some days to her
husband:
Dearest sweetheart,
Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the
expenses details.
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one
month's milk.
2. The electricity man only agreed after 7
kisses.
3. Your house owner is coming every day
and taking two or three kisses Instead of the
rent

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Joketor 1
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses
only, so I have given him some other items
5. Other expenses 40 kisses
Please don't worry for me, I have a
remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope I
can complete the month using this balance.
Shall I plan same way for next months,
Please Advise!!!
Your Sweet Heart, X-KISSES
Liberated Filipina
At Women's Lib Conference: The first
speaker, a lady from England stood up and
said, "During last year's conference, we
spoke about being more assertive with our
husbands. Well, after the conference, I went
home and told my husband, Barrington, that I
would no longer cook for him and that he
would have to do it himself. After the 1st day,
I saw nothing. The 2nd day, I saw nothing,
but on the 3rd day, I saw that he had cooked
a wonderful roast Lamb." (The crowd
cheered). The speaker from Russia , stood
up and said, "After last year's conference, I
went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I
would no longer do his laundry and that he
would have to do it himself. The 1st day, I
saw nothing. After the 2nd day, I saw
nothing, but on the 3rd day, I saw that he had
done not only his own washing, but mine as
well. (The crowd again cheered). The third
speaker, a Filipino lady stood up and said,
"Aftir lass year's kampirince, Iwin hum (went
home) and tuld dat lazy husband op mines,
Pidro, dat I was tro getting his slippers,
kuking his meals ol da tyme, washing his
undirwir and dat he was guing to hab to do
dem himsilf. (The crowd went wild with
cheering and clapping that lasted for five
long minutes). She continued, "Aftir da first
day, I see nating. Aftir da secun day, agin I
see nating, but aftir da tird day, I could see a
little bit out of my lif eye."
Lifeline - Phone a Friend
Home version of who wants to be a

millionaire:
Husband: Dear, puede ka ba ngayon?
Wife: Di puede, pagod ako!
Husband: Is that your final answer?
Wife: Yes, FINAL!
Husband: Ok, can I phone a friend?
Lifesaver
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front
porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and
asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other
replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady
asks, "What do you do about it?" The
second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"
Liit Naman
Wife: Honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka nang magbra...liit
naman dede mo e..
Wife: E ba't ikaw, naka-brief!?
Lindol
Guro: Ano dapat gawin pag may lindol?
Boy: Buksan po ang ilaw!
Guro: Bakit?
Boy: Kase po sa bahay kubo namin madalas
lumindol kapag gabi, pero pagswitch ko ilaw
biglang tumitigil!
Lintik
DAD: Nak tubig nga
SON: Mineral o distilled?
DAD: Mineral
SON: Malamig o hindi?
DAD: Hahampasin na kita ng walis eh!
SON: Tambo o tingting
DAD: Lintik ka!
Libing
Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?
Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso
mo?
Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!
Little Johnny
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing
the playground and going into the woods.

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Joketor 1
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy
and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so
exciting and can barely contain himself as
he runs home and starts to tell his mother
excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT
THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she
wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her.
"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's
car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a
big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the
seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy
cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such
an interesting story, suppose you save the
rest of it for supper time. I want to see the
look on Daddy's face when you tell it
tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks
Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car
into the woods, the undressing, laying down
on the seat, and... "... then Daddy and Aunt
Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle
Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the
Army."
Logic
Two rednecks decided that they weren't
going anywhere in life and thought that they
should go to college to get ahead. The first
goes in to see the local high school
counselor, who tells him to take Math,
History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the
redneck asks. The counselor answers by
saying, "Let me give you an example. Do
you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." "Then I
can assume, using logic, that you have a
yard," replied the counselor. "That's real
good!" says the redneck. The counselor
continues, "Logic will also tell me that since
you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin'!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates
that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae!

This is incredible!" (The redneck is obviously

catching on). "Finally, since you have a wife,
logically I can assume that you
are heterosexual," said the counselor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most
fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to
take that logic class!" The redneck, proud of
the new world opening up to him, walks back
into the hallway, where his friend is still
waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?"
asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!"
replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is
logic?" asked his friend. "Let me give you an
example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked
the first redneck. "No," his friend replied.
"FAG!!"
Lopsided World
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his
front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free
to good home. You want it, you take it" For
three days the fridge sat there without even
one person looking twice at it. He eventually
decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he
changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale
$50." The next day someone stole it.
Lost once
A young jounalists first assignment for the
city newspaper that hired him was to write a
human-interest story. Being from midwest,
he went back to the country to do his
research. He went to an old farmer's house
way back in the backwoods, introduced
himself and proceeded to explain to him why
he was there. The young man asked,
"What's the most exciting thing that ever
happened around here?" The farmer thought
for a minute and said, "One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a
posse and found it. Then we all screwed it
and took it back home." "I can't print that!"
the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else exciting that happened?" After

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Joketor 1
another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one
time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking
girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time
and found her. After we all screwed her, we
took her back home." Again, the young man
said "I can't print that either. Okay let
try something else. What's the most terrible
thing that ever happened around here?" The
old farmer dropped his head and after a few
seconds looked up timidly at the young man
and said, "I got lost once."
Lotto Winner
A woman came home, screeching her car
into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the
top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I
won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my
God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said.
"Just get out."
Love Never Dies
Anak: Inay, totoo ba na "First love never
dies"?
Nanay: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang tatay mo,
hangga ngayon, buhay pa ang animal!
Lugaw
Juan: Pare, noong mayaman pa kami,
nagkakamay kaming kumain. Ngayong
mahirap na kami, nakakutsara na.
Pedro: Balaigtad yata?
Juan: Mahirap kamayin ang lugaw, pare!
Lumalaban
Juan: San ka galing?
Pedro: sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.
Juan: E bakit puro kamot ang mukha at
braso mo?
Pedro: Mahirap ilibing eh... Lumalaban!!
Magagandang Anak
Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga
anak mo!
Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa
ko lang ang aasahan ko hindi mangyayari
yan!
Maid and Mam Stories

1) ANAK: Mommy, bakit ka tumatalbog sa

ibabaw ni Daddy?
MOM: Wala, anak, pinapaliit ko lang ang
tiyan ng Daddy mo.
ANAK: Wa epek 'yan, kasi hinihipan ulit ni
yaya.
2) BOY: Mommy, ano itim na damo sa iyo
kapag hubad ka?
MOM: Ah wala, ESKOBA lang iyon!
BOY: Kaya pala kinis mukha tatay, kita ko
kiskis niya sa mukha, ESKOBA ni Inday.
3) ANAK: Ang sipag ng labandera natin,
'Nay.
NANAY: Bakit mo nasabi 'yun?
ANAK: Kasi nakita ko siya, tulog pa si Tatay,
hinuhubaran na niya ng brief, eh!
4) MA'M: Inday, ihanda mo si Sir ng paborito
niyang pagkain.
INDAY: Ma'm, naghugas na po ako.
5) Boy saw his mom's pubic hair: Ma! ano
ang tawag diyan?
Mom: Ah, anak, ang tawag dito ay walis!
Boy: Ahh, nakita ko nga si yaya winawalis
ang mukha ni papa!!!
6) Boy: Yaya! ano gawa mo kay daddy?
(nakita habang nakasubo ang ari ng daddy
sa bibig ng yaya)
Yaya: Nililinis ko lang. gagamitin kasi ng
mommy mo mamaya.
Maid (Pinoy):
Senora: Inday (maid), may suspecha ako na
may ibang babae ang Senorito mo!
Maid: Naku, si Senorita naman. Bakit ninyo
sinabi sa akin iyan? Siguro, gusto na ninyo
akong mag-resign.
Maid: (Break. Another version)
Maid: Naku, si Misis naman. Bakit ninyo
Sinabi sa akin iyan? Hindi naman ako
nagseselos!
Maid: Affair
Madam: Listen Girl (maid), I think my
husband is having an affair.
Girl (Maid): Mam, why are you telling me
this? Maybe, you want me to resign!

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Joketor 1
Maid: (Break. Another version)
Girl (maid) : Mam, why are you telling me
this? I am not really jealous!
Malalaki
Madre: Father, tell your seminarian not to
urinate along the fence...
Father: Sister naman, maliit na bagay lang
papansinin mo pa...
Madre: No Malalaki, Father.. Malalaki!!!
Malicious
Q: Ano ang tawag kapag sinuot mo ang
kanang sapatos sakaliwang paa at ang
kaliwang sapatos sa kanang paa?
A: Malicious
Mamas job
Sofia had just got married and being a
traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So,
on her wedding night, staying at her
mother's house, she was nervous. Her
mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Sofia.
Carlo's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll
take care of you." So up she went. When
she got upstairs, Carlo took off his shirt
and exposed his hairy chest. Sofia ran
downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama,
Mama, Carlo's got a big hairy chest." "Don't
worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good
men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll
take good care of you." So, up she went
again. When she got up in the bedroom,
Carlo took off his pants exposing his hairy
legs. Again, Sofia ran downstairs to her
mother. "Mama, Mama, Carlo took
off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't
worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's
a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good
care of you." So up she went again. When
she got up there, Carlo took off his
socks and on his left foot he was missing
three toes. When Sofia saw this, she ran
downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Carlo's got a foot
and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta
Sofia, this is job for Mama!
Man & Woman (Eternal truths)

1) Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
2) Office Arithmetic
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
3) Shopping Math
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she
doesn't need.
4) General Equations & Statistics
A woman worries about the future until she
gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more
money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find
such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must
understand him a lot and love him a little. To
be happy with a woman, you must love her a
lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but
Married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE (This is the stuff
of tragedy!) A woman marries a man
expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting that she
won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the
beginning of a new argument.

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Joketor 1
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at
weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the same thing
to them at funerals.
Man of the House
The husband had just finished reading a new
book entitled "You Can Be the Man of Your
House". He stormed into the kitchen and
walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now
on, you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is law! You will
prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and
when I'm finished eating my meal, you will
serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner
you are going to go upstairs with me, and we
will make love the way that I want. After that,
you are going to draw me my bath so I can
relax. You will wash my back and towel me
dry and bring me my robe. Then you will
massage my feet and hands. Then after
that's done, guess who's going to dress me
and comb my hair?" His wife replied, "The
funeral director would be my guess."
Manny Pacquiao
Reporter: You are running as congressman,
how are going control the violence in your
district if you were elected?
Manny Pacquiao: You ask me about VIOLIN,
I don't even know how to play guitar!
Reporter: How about peace and order in
General Santos?
Manny Pacquiao: Ang FISH marami pero
ang ORDER kaunti.
Marriage Definition
Marriage is a relationship in which one
person is always right, and the other is a
husband.
Marriage Seminar
While attending a Marriage Seminar on

communication, Tom and his wife Grace

listened to the instructor, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know each other's likes
and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can
you name your wife's favorite flower?" Tom
leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently
and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it? (Not
flour)
Mass for dead dog
A farmer named Douglas lived alone in the
Irish countryside except for a pet dog he
doted on. The dog finally died and
Douglas went to the parish priest, saying,
"Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly
be saying a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't
have services for an animal in the church,
but I'll tell you what, there's a new
church down the road, and no telling what
they believe in, but maybe they'll do
something for the animal." Douglas said, "I'll
go right now. By the way, do you think
$10,000 is enough to donate for the
service?" Father Patrick replied, "Why didn't
you tell me the dog was Catholic
Mas Yummy
Maid: Sir, sinong mas yummy? Si mam ba o
ako?
Sir: Syempre naman ikaw, Inday! Bakit?
Maid: Naguguluhan lang po kasi ako eh...
sabi kasi ng driver, eh mas yummy daw
talaga si mam!
Masuka
Pare 1: Pare, nasusuka ako kaya lang di ako
masuka.
Pare 2: Madali lang yan, pare ~ sundutin mo
tonsils mo (pare 1 sinundot ang tonsils ..)
Pare 1: Di pa rin e
Pare 2: Hmmmmm ... sundutin mo pwet mo
(pare 1 sinundot ang pwet ...)
Pare 1: Wala pa rin
Pare 2: Ngayon, tsaka mo ule isundot sa
bibig mo ...(pag hindi ka pa masuka nyan
ewan ko na!!!!!)

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Joketor 1
Matanda Na
Host: Ano po ang maipaglilingkod ko sa
inyo?
Tanda: Pwede ho bang manawagan?
Host: Ilang taon na po kayo?
Tanda: 98 na po ako.
Host: Wow! Ang tanda nyo na pala! O, sige
po... manawagan na kayo.
Tanda: Itay, umuwi na kayo! Hindi na
nagagalit si Lolo sa inyo!
Mayaman vs. Mahirap
Kung mayaman ka, meron kang "allergy"
Kung mahirap ka, ang tawag dyan ay "galis"
o "bakokang" Sa mayaman, "nervous
breakdown" dahil sa "tension and stress". Sa
mahirap, "sira ang ulo". Kung mayaman ka,
"pneumonia" daw ang sakit mo. Kung
mahirap, "TB" yon.
Sa mayaman, "hyperacidity"
Kapag mahirap, "ulcer" dahil walang laman
ang tiyan
Sa mayamang "malikot ang kamay", ang
tawag ay "kleptomaniac"
Sa mahirap, ang tawag ay "magnanakaw" o
"kawatan"
Pag mayaman ka, you're "eccentric"
Kung mahirap ka, "may toyo ka sa ulo" o
"may topak" o "may sayad"
Kung mayaman ka at sumakit ang ulo mo,
ikaw ay may "migraine"
Kung mahirap ka naman at sumakit ang ulo
mo, ikaw ay "nalipasan ng gutom"
Kung mayaman ka, you are referred to as
someone who is "scoliotic"
Pero kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "kuba"
Kung ang seorita mo ay maitim, ang tawag
ay "morena" o "sun tanned"
Pero kung isa kang domestic na maitim, ikaw
ay "ita" o "negrita" o "baluga"
Kung socialite ka, ikaw ay "pleasingly plump"
Kapag mahirap ka, ika'y "tabatsoy" o "lumbalumba"...pagminamalas ka, "baboy"
Kapag mayaman, "fasting" ang hindi kumain
Kung mahirap, "nagtitiis"

Kung well-off ka at date ka rito, date ka roon,

ang tawag sa iyo ay "socialite".
Kung mahirap ka, ikaw ay "pakawala" o
"pok-pok"
Kung mayamang alembong ka, ang tawag sa
iyo ay "liberated".
Pero kung isa kang dukha, ang tawag sa iyo
"malandi"
Kapag mayaman, "misguided" o "spoiled" ka.
Kung mahirap ka, "addict" o "durugista"
Kung may pera ka, ang tawag sa iyo "single
parent"
Pero kung wala kang trabaho, ang tawag sa
iyo "disgrasyada"
Kapag mayaman at sexy, "fashionable" daw.
Kung mahirap, sigurado "GRO" o "japayuki"
ka
Ang tawag sa mayayamang puro gulay ang
kinakain, "vegetarian"
Habang kakaawa ang mahirap na "
kumakain ng damo."
Sa exclusive school, "assertive" ang mga
batang sumasagot sa mga guro
Pero pag ang mga mahihirap na bata ang
sumasagot sa mga guro, ang tawag sa
kanila ay "bastos!"
Ang mayamang tumatanda, "are graduating
gracefully into senior citizenhood"
Ang mga mahihirap ay "gumugurang"
Ang anak ng mayaman ay "slow learner"
Ang anak ng mahirap ay "bobo" o "gunggong"
Kung mayaman ka at marami kang kumain,
you flatter your host who says, "masarap
kang kumain and I like you, you do justice to
my cooking"
Kung ghastly peasant ka eating the same
amount in the same house, your host will say
to himself na ikaw ay "patay-gutom" Kung
graduate ka ng exclusive school at sa ibang
bansa ka nagtatrabaho, ang tawag sa iyo
"expat" Kung mahirap ka lang, ikaw ay
"contract worker"
Kung boss ka at binabasa mo ito sa office

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Joketor 1
mo, "okay lang" Pero kung ikaw ay hamak na
empleyado lamang, ikaw ay "nagbubulakbol"
... kaya forward mo na agad ito dahil nasa
likod mo ang boss mo!
May Regla
HINDI PUWEDE NGAYON
Mrs: Hoy, animal, sino itong Baby na nag
text sa 'yo?
Mr: Ahh? Si kumpareng Jimmy yan. Baby
lang kasi ang palayaw.
Mrs: Sagutin mo ito kaagad. Hindi daw kayo
matutuloy ngayon. May regla raw siya.
Medicare
Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to
collect her husband's test results. The Lab
Tech says to her, " I'm sorry, Ma'am, but
there has been a big mix-up and we have a
problem. When we sent your husband's
samples to the lab, the samples from another
Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are
now uncertain which one is your husband's.
Frankly, it is either bad or terrible." "What do
you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked. "Well, one
has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband." "That's terrible! Can we do the test
over?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally,
yes. But Medicare won't pay for these
expensive tests more than once." "Well, what
am I supposed to do now?" "The people at
Medicare recommend that you drop your
husband off in the middle of town. If he finds
his way home, don't sleep with him."
Meddler
There's this guy sitting at the bar, just looking
at his drink. He sits, staring at his drink for
over half-an-hour, not talking, barely moving,
and never taking a sip. A big macho guy
who has been playing pool, takes notice of
our friend at the bar. He watches the guy just
staring at his drink for a long time. This is
driving Mr. macho crazy so he walks up
to the bar, grabs the guy's drink and chugs it
right down. The poor man who has been

sitting at the bar starts crying. Mr. Macho

says: - "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't
see a man crying". Our friend at the bar
replies: - "No, it's not that. This day is
the worst of my life. First, I oversleep this
morning and get to work late. My boss,
outraged, fires me. When I leave the building
and go to my car, I found out it was stolen.
And the police say they can do nothing to
find it. I get a cab to return home, and
after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my
wallet and credit cards in the back seat. I run
after the cab driver who just laughs and
drives away. I get home, and when I get
there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave home and end up at this bar. And just
when I was thinking about putting an end to
my miserable life, you show up and drink my
poison"!
Men Are Happier
What do you expect from such simple
creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas
station restroom.
You don't have to stop and think of which
way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress-$5000; Tux rental-$100.
The occasional well-rendered belch is
practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your
feet.

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Joketor 1
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds
flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one
suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she
can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in
public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your
clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original
color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color
for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your
legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
Mens English Translation
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of
the question
I love you too = OK, I said it, can we have

sex now?
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like
to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like
to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd
eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually
like to have sex with you
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal
for you to have sex with other men
You look tense, let me give you a massage =
I want to have sex with you in the next 10
minutes
Let's talk = I'm trying to impress you by
showing that I'm a deep person and maybe
then you'd like to have sex with me
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit =
I'm gay
Mental Patient
Bumisita si GMA sa Mental Hospital at
kinausap ang isang pasyente.
GMA: Kilala mo ba ako? Ako ang Presidente.
PASYENTE: Naku ale, ng una akong
pumasok dito ganyan din ang sinasabi ko.
Pero wag kang mag alala, mahuhusay ang
mga doctor dito, gagaling ka rin.
Mermaid!
There were three men fishing in a boat. One
felt a tug and reeled in his line. He had
caught a beautiful mermaid. She squirmed
and struggled and tried to break free but he
wouldn't let her go. Finally she said, "I'll give
you anything you can wish for if you'll let me
go. "Okay," said the man, "I want my IQ
doubled." So she did and he went off on
Shakespeare
and
all
kinds
of
complicatedthings. The mermaid prepared to
leave but the second man grabbed her.
"Hey, I'm not going to let you go until I get a
wish too." "Fine," she said. "What do you
want?"
"I want my IQ tripled." So she tripled his IQ
and he went off solving all these problems

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Joketor 1
and mathematical equations. "I suppose you
want a wish too!" the mermaid said to the
last man. "You bet I do, I want my IQ timed
by 10!" "Hmmm! I don't think you want to do
that," said the mermaid. "It will change your
whole aspect on life." Although she tried to
talk him out of it, that was what he wanted.
So she gave him his wish and... *POOF*
******** He turned into a woman. IF ONLY...!
Microsoft
REPORTER: How does it feel to have sex
with the richest man ?
MRS. GATES: Oh, it's no big deal. Now I
know why his company's named
MICROSOFT!
Milk Ad
A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are
3 shirts on display. The first has a picture of
Richard Nixon with a white mustache.
It is entitled - "Got Milk." The second tee shirt
has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white
mustache. It is entitled - "Forgot Milk." The
third tee shirt has a picture of Monica
Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled
- "Not Milk."
Mirinda
Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in
Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle Ice
Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi
nya, "Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!"
Miss Universe
Pare1: pare parang malalim ang iniisip mo!
Pare2: nanaginip ako kagabi kasama ko 50
contestants ng Ms. Universe
Pare1: swerte mo! ano problema mo?
Pare2: pare ako nanalo!
Missing an Opportunity
Winters were fierce where the estate owner
lived, so he felt he was doing a good deed
when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't
wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest
day, the landlord asked, "Didn't you like the
muffs?" The foreman said, "They're a thing of

beauty." "Why don't you wear them?" The

foreman explained, "I was wearing them the
first day, and somebody offered to buy me
lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again,
never again!"
Mix Race
ENRIQUE ZOBEL: half Filipino half Spanish.
HENRY SY: half Filipino half Chinese.
JUAN FLAVIER: half Filipino half Igorot.
RAUL ROCO: half Hawaiian half Polo.
JOHN OSMENA: half Filipino half Filipina.
MIKE ARROYO: half Filipino half Pork.
AI AI DELAS ALAS: half Filipino half Moon.
GMA: half...
Modern Pain Reliever
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital.
The doctor looked her over and told them it
would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered
to let the couple try an experimental
procedure. The woman would be connected
to a machine that would transfer part of the
pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing
her own. The man quickly agreed. The
doctor warned him, though, that there was a
slight bug in the machine that caused it to
amplify the pain sent to the father by ten
times, and if the pain became too much for
him to bear would he please let the doctor
know. The doctor turned on the machine and
watched the man. The man said he felt
absolutely fine and he could take more. The
doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and
finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The
woman delivered the baby painlessly and the
doctor stared at the man, astonished at how
he could not even flinch with that much pain
brought upon him. The couple took the new
baby home. There, on the front step, the
mailman lay dead.
Monastery Life
A young monk is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and
laws of the church by hand. He notices,
however, that all of the monks are copying

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Joketor 1
from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone
made even a small error in the first copy, it
would never be picked up! In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies. The head monk, says, "We have
been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." He
goes down into t he dark caves underneath
the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds
of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the
old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried
and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and
wailing,"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the
"R" !"His forehead is all bloody and bruised
and he is crying uncontrollably. The young
monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot
replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE!!!"
Mother of Six
A man has six children and is very proud of
his achievement. He is so proud of himself,
that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six"
in spite of her objections. One night, they go
to a party. The man decides that it IS time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is
ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top
of his voice, "Shall we go home Mother of
Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack
of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time
you're ready, Father of Four."
Multo Sa Banyo
Lasing (takot): may multo sa banyo natin!
Wife: Ha? Bakit?
Lasing: Kasi bumubukas yung ilaw pag
papasok ako ng banyo eh.
Wife: Punyeta ka! Ikaw pala umiihi sa ref!
Music Store
A lady called a music store about a
recording, but dialed wrong and connected

with an auto mechanic instead. She asked,

"Do you have two lips and seven kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have two balls and seven
inches." She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No...But it's a damn good average"
Mustache landing (Adult)
One January afternoon a male flea was
relaxing proceeding to soak up the Miami
sun when who should stumble by on the
beach but an old flea friend of his. "Philip,
what happened to you? You look terrible!"
asked the flea, because Philips nose is
runny, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here from Georgia in some
guy's mustache and he came down by
motorcycle. I nearly froze to death," wheezed
Philip. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said
the old flea, spreading some more suntan oil
on his shoulders. "Next time just go to the
stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and
you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air
Florida stewardess comes in to take
a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got
it?" So you can imagine the Old flea's
surprise when, the following January, he saw
Philip - looking miserable than before.
"Listen," said Philip, "I did everything you
said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and
waited till a really cute one came in, and
made a perfect landing and got so warm and
cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked
the Old flea. "So the next thing I know, I'm on
this guy's mustache again!"
My Bike
A missionary who had spent years showing a
tribe of natives how to farm and build things
to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to
return home. He realizes that the one thing
he never taught the natives was how to
speak English, so he takes the chief and
starts walking in the forest. He points to a
tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree." The missionary is pleased with the

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Joketor 1
response. They walk a little farther and the
padre points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and
grunts, Rock. The padre is really getting
enthusiastic about the results when he hears
a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over
the top, he sees a couple in the midst of
heavy romantic activity. The padre is really
flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a
bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly,
pulls out his blow gun and kills them. The
padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that
he has spent years teaching the tribe how to
be civilized and kind to each other, so how
could he just kill these people in cold blood
that way? The chief replied, "My bike."
Nakaburol
Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo,
tumalon sa eroplano nang walang parachute!
Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan
yan?
Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!
Names
TEACHER: Panget ng name mo, Conrado
Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
PUPIL: Ok lang po ma'am! Pero mas pangit
sa husband ninyo. Supronio Potenciano! In
short, SUPOT!
Nary Singles Bar
A man goes to a clinic and says, "Doctor,
you've got to help me. My beautiful wife is
unfaithful to me." "Every Friday night, she
goes to Nary Singles Bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks
her!" "I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "Take
a deep breath and calm down." "Now, tell
me, where exactly is Nary Singles Bar?
Newborn Baby
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement
center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says: "Slim,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm
just full of aches and pains. I know you're

about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says,

"I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No
hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my
pants."
Ngongo dictionary
CATTLE - dun nakatira ang printeta at
printipe
MELT - yun ang sinusuot sa mewing
EFFORT - dun nag-la-land ang efflane
STATUE - ikaw ba yan?
Night Clubs
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for
coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my
dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
Niloloko
GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!
BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!
GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may
kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa
kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!
BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko,
maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko kanina ang
niloloko ko!
Ninoy Remembered
REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy
ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
No car
Pedro: Pare bakit malungkot ka?
Juan: Asawa ko nag hire ng driver, Gwapo,
Bata, Macho!
Pedro: Nagseselos ka?
Juan: Nagtataka lang ako kasi wala naman
kaming car !
No Ears
Sadly, John was born without ears, and
though he proved to be successful in
business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

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Joketor 1
One day he needed to hire a new manager
for his company, so he set up three
interviews. The first guy was great. He knew
everything he needed to know and was very
interesting. But at the end of the interview,
John asked him, "Do you notice anything
different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't
help but notice that you have no ears," came
the reply. John did not appreciate his candor
and threw him out of the office. The second
interview was with a woman, and she was
even better than the first guy. But he asked
her the same question: Do you notice
anything different about me? "Well," she said
stammering, "you have no ears." John again
got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The
third and final interviewee was the best of the
bunch, he was a young man who had
recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He
was handsome, and he seemed to be a
better businessman than the first two put
together. John was anxious, but went ahead
and asked the young man the same
question: "Do you notice anything different
about me?" Much to his surprise, the young
man answered; "Yes, you wear contact
lenses, don't you?" John was shocked and
realized this was an incredibly observant
person. "How in the world did you know
that?" he asked. The young man fell off his
chair laughing hysterically and replied,
"Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no
ears!"
No homework
Jun-jun: Inay! Ako lang ang nakasagot sa
tanong ng titser namin kanina!
Inay: Very good! Ano ba ang tanong ng titser
ninyo?
Jun-jun: "Sino ang walang homework?
No ID No Entry
Sabi Airforce: "No Guts No Glory!"
Sabi Marines: "No Retreat No Surrender!"
Sabi Army: "No Pain, No Gain!"
Naks! Ayaw patalo.

Security Guards: "No I.D. No Entry!"

No Officemates
MRS: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
MR: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates
ko, nagkainuman lang. Hehe!
MRS: Lasing ka no?
MR: Hindi!
MRS: Anong hindi?! La ka namang trabaho,
pano ka nagka-officemates?
No Peer Pressure
Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old
woman: "And what do you think is the best
thing about being 104?" the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, "No peer
pressure."
Normal Sex Again
A surgeon went to check on his blonde
patient after an operation. She was awake,
so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am
able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which
alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor?
I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes,
you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever
asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Not Chuck
Three girls make paalam to their Dad...
Girl 1: Dad, I'm going out with Pete to Eat.
Girl2: I'm going out with Lance to Dance.
Girl3: I'm going out with Chuck to...
Dad: Ah, Hinde! Dito ka lang sa bahay!!!
Not Finish
An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in
Roma. While at his favorite bar, he manages
to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.
So they're back at his place, and sure
enough, they go at it. After a long while... He
climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up
a cigarette and asks her, "So.... you finish?"
After a slight pause she replies, "No."
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his
cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has
his way with her again, this time lasting

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Joketor 1
even longer than the first... and this time
completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and
asks, "So.... You finish?" And again, after a
short pause, she simply says "No." Stunned,
but still acting reflexively on his macho pride,
he once again puts out the cigarette, and
mounts his companion du jour. This time,
with all the strength he could muster up, he
barely manages to end the task, but he does,
after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his
cigarette ... Lights it again, and then asks
tiredly, "So... you finish?" "No. I'm Swedish."
Not Mad
A synagogue honors its Rabbi for a quartercentury of service by sending him to Hawaii
on a well-deserved vacation, all expenses
paid. The President of the synagogue
decides that in addition to the trip, the Rabbi
should have fun and he makes arrangements
to have a call-girl available for the Rabbi at
all times. When the Rabbi walks into his hotel
room, there is this nude young girl lying on
the bed and she informs the Rabbi that she
is his at any time during his vacation.
The Rabbi, stunned and extremely
embarrassed, demands to know who
arranged this little situation, and of course,
the girl is compelled to tell him. The Rabbi
immediately picks up the phone, calls the
synagogue, and gets through to the
President of the congregation. 'Where is
your respect'? he growls. 'How could you do
something like this?' 'I must be held in high
esteem by each and every member of this
congregation. As your Rabbi, I am very, very
angry with you!' As he continues to berate
the President, the girl rises sheepishly from
the bed, not wanting to further embarrass the
Rabbi. As she stands, the Rabbi says
'Where the hell are you going?....I'm not mad
at you!'
Not Enough

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doc,

you gotta help me!" The doctor says, "What's
your problem?" The guy says, "Every
morning I wake up with my morning flagpole,
give the missus a quick one, then go to work.
I car-pool with the next-door neighbor's wife
and she gives me a blowjob during the ride
to work. Once I get to the office I do
some work and then at morning coffee break
I go into the photocopy room and have it off
with one of the young office girls. At lunch I
take my secretary out to a hotel and give her
a good bonking. For afternoon coffee I give
the boss's wife a good servicing. I then go
home and slip the maid a few inches.
Then at night I give the missus another
screw..." "Well" said the doctor. "What's your
problem?" The guy says, "Well, it hurts when
I masturbate."
Not Married yet
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all
your worries, troubles and lighten your
burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't
have
any
worries
or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married
yet.
Not virgin
AFTER THE WEDDING:
Husband: Sinungaling ka, sabi mo virgin ka!
Bakit kagabi maluwag na!
Wife: Ulol ka! Dahil lasing ka, katabi mo
kagabi si mama!
Not Worth It
A Russian man is walking through a bazaar,
when a stranger comes up to him and offers
to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100
rubles. "No, not worth it!" he says
"OK, how about 50 rubles?" "No, not worth
it!" "OK, 20?" "No, not worth it!" "How about
10?" "No, not worth it!" "Listen, these pills
cost $10 American each. How can you say
they are not worth it?" "Oh, the pills are
worth it, it's my wife is not worth it

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Joketor 1
Now, I believe....
Joe: my wife got me to believe in religion.
Max: really?
Joe: yeah, until i married her, i didn't believe
in hell.
Nudist joke
A man moves into a nudist colony. He
receives a letter from his grandmother asking
him to send her a current photo of himself in
his new location. Too embarrassed to let her
know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts
the photo in half but accidentally sends the
bottom half of the photo. He is really worried
when he realizes that he sent the wrong half,
but then remembers how bad his
grandmother' s eyesight is, and hopes she
won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives
a letter from his grandmother. It says: "Thank
you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... It
makes your nose look short."
Nudity
I was driving with my three young children
one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us
stood up and waved. She was stark
Naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I
heard my 5-year-old shout from the back
seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat
belt! (kids sees differently)
Nudity - More
A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found
himself in the women's Locker Room. When
he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
with ladies Grabbing Towels and running for
cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and Then Asked, "What's the matter haven't
you ever seen a little boy before?"
Number One
Boy: Nay! Muntik na akong maging number
one sa klase!
Nanay: Bat mo naman nasabi?
Boy: Ini-announce kasi kanina yung number
1 sa klase. Ang tinuro ni ma'am yung katabi
ko. Muntik na ako.

Nun & restroom

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom,
walked into a local Hooters. The place was
hopping with music and loud conversation
and every once in a while the lights would
turn off. Each time the lights would go out,
the place would erupt into cheers. However,
when the revelers saw the nun, the room
went dead silent. She walked up to the
bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I
should warn you that there is a statue of a
naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,"
said the nun. So, the bartender showed the
nun to the back of the restaurant, and she
preceded to the restroom. After a few
minutes, she came back out, and the
whole place stopped just long enough to give
the nun a loud round of applause. She went
to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't
understand. Why did they applaud for me
just because I went to the restroom?" "Well,
now they know you're one of us," said
the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But,
I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every
time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted
up, the lights go out. Now, how about that
drink?"
Old Chinese Dying
Old Chinese in death bed:
"Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?" - "Dito po!"
"Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?" - Dito po!
"Akyen daughter 'ndyan ba?" - "Dito po!"
"Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?" - "Dito din po!"
"Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao
tindahan!"
(Old Chinese Dying and asking:
Is my Junior here? - Yes Sir, hes here.
Is my oldest here? - Yes Sir, hes here.
Is my daughter here? - Yes Sir, shes
here.
Is my wife here? - Yes Sir, shes here,

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Joketor 1
too.
My goodness! All here? Who is minding our
store?)
Old Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a
message for his IRS agent and his lawyer,
both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to
his bedroom. As they entered the room, the
preacher held out his hands and motioned
for them to sit on each side of the bed. The
preacher grasped their hands, sighed
contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the
IRS agent and the attorney were touched
and flattered that the old preacher would ask
them to be with him during his final moment.
They were also puzzled because the
preacher had never given any indication that
he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did
you ask the two of us to come?" The old
preacher mustered up some strength, then
said weakly, "Jesus died between two
thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."
On time home
LADY 1: How do you make your husband
punctual in coming home from work?
LADY 2 : Simple........ I told him sex will start
at exactly 9 pm, with or without him.......
Or Else
A man complains to his doctor that his wife
has refused sex with him for the past 12
months. The doctor tells the man to bring his
wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife
comes to office, the doctor asks her why she
refused sex with her husband for almost a
year. "Well," the wife replies, "every morning
I take a cab to work. I don't make much
money and my husband doesn't give more
than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks
me, 'So are you going to pay today or else?' I
always give him an 'or else. That makes me
late for work. So my boss asks me, 'So are

we going to subtract your salary, or else?' On

the way home, another cab driver asks me,
'So are you going to pay or else?' Again, no
choice but to give or else. At the end of the
day, I don't want sex any more." The doctor
thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we
going to tell your husband or else?"
Old Owner
"How was your blind date?" a college student
asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered.
"He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's
so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
One, two, three, umph.
Dalawang unano galing motel.
UNANO 1: Pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko
kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig ko humihiyaw ka
ng "1,2,3 ummph!!"
UNANO 2: Gago! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang
kama
Only Pinoys
1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses
abroad.
2. Rats are normal house pets.
3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the
dramas of life.
4. Actors make the rules and politicians
provide the entertainment!
Only Pupil
Anak: 'Tay, ako lang ang nakasagot sa
tanong ng titser namin kanina.
Tatay: Very good! Ano naman ang question
anak?
Anak: Sino raw ang hindi nakaintindi sa
tinuro?
Operation
Husband: Kung di ako makaligtas sa
operasyon ko bukas, ikaw na sana ang
bahala sa lahat lahat... I LOVE YOU!
Wife: Tumigil ka! wala pang namamatay sa
TULI!

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Joketor 1
Opinions
On the first day of school, a first-grader
handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by
this child are not necessarily those of his
parents."
Oui, Oui
Inside Air France B747 going on a state visit
to France. Erap to Stewardess : Excuse me
miss, do you have a comfort room?
Stewardess : OUI, OUI.
Erap : No, U, U.
Out of Gas
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health
agency, was out making her rounds visiting
homebound patients when she ran out of
gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was
just a block away. She walked to the station
to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The
attendant told her that the only gas can he
owned had been loaned out, but she could
wait until it was returned. Since the nun was
on the way to see a patient, she decided not
to wait and walked back to her car. She
looked for something in the car that she
could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan
she was taking to the patient. Always
resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the
station, filled it with gas, and carried the full
bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring
the gas into her tank, two men watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the
other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting."
Out of the Closet
A young man, in the course of his college
life, came to terms with his homosexuality
and decided to 'come out of the closet'.
His plan was to tell his mother first; so on his
next home visit, he went to the kitchen,
where his mother was busying herself
stirring stew with a wooden spoon. Rather
nervously, he explained to her that he had
realized he was gay. Without looking up
from her stew, his mother said, "You mean,

homosexual?" "Well...yes." His mother said

nothing for several minutes, mulling over
what she had just heard. Then, without
looking up she said: "Does that mean you
suck men's penises?" Caught off guard, the
young man eventually managed to stammer
an embarrassed affirmative; whereupon his
mother turned to him and, brandishing the
wooden spoon threateningly under his nose,
snapped: "Don't you EVER complain about
my cooking again!"'
Our Problem
Mister: Di ko na kaya problema ko!
Misis: Hon, problema natin ito, tayo ang
magkasama sa buhay, lahat ng problema mo
problema ko... ano problema natin?
Mister: Nabuntis natin si Inday, tayo ang
ama!
Pagod Daw
Mrs: Ano ba? Two days na tayong kasal, 'la
pa rin.
Mr: Kasi pagod ako.
Mrs: Sige ka, pag ayaw mo, maghahanap
ako ng lalaki.
Mr: Sige, gawin mong dalawa, tig isa tayo!
Pangalan
Nay? Bakit po VICTORIA ang name ni ate?
Kasi anak dun namin siya ginawa ng itay
mo... Eh bakit si kuya, ANITO?
Ay, tumigil ka na nga LUNETA at baka
mapalo kita! Tawagin mo na si kuya FX mo.
Panget
Parrot sa dumadaang lalake: Panget!Panget!
Guy: Pag sinabi mo pa ulit yan sakin,
papatayin na kita!
Nextday....
Parrot: pssst........
Guy: bakit?
Parrot: alam mo na....
Panty
Hating-gabi, hot si misis. Haplos niya ilong ni
mister, kiliti niya sa leeg, saka bulong
malambing sa tenga.
Misis: Love, ala na ko panty.

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Joketor 1
Mister: Huh! Cge, tulog na, bukas ibili kita.
Panty
Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi
kayo mabubuntis.
Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months
later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?
Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!
Paper Shredder
The new employee stood before the paper
shredder looking confused. "Need some
help?" a secretary asked. "Yes," he replied.
"How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from
his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come
out?"
Pari at Madre
Pari: Sister, ikaw ba ang nasa CR? Kukunin
ko lang toothbrush ko...
Sister: Sandali, naka-panty lang ako.
Pari: Ok, antay ako.
Sister: Pasok na, wala na akong panty!
Party Disaster
After the annual office Chistmas party blowout, Kulas woke up with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly
unable to recall the events of the preceding
evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was
able to make his way downstairs, where his
wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Petra," he moaned, "Tell me what went on
last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even
worse," she assured him, voice dripping with
scorn. "You made a complete ass of
yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the
entire senior management and insulted the
Regional Director General to his face." "He's
an a**hole. I should have pissed on him."
"You did," Petra informed him. "And he fired
you." "Well, screw him!" yelled Kulas.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Pasado sa Test
Ama: "Bakit ka umiyak, anak?"
Anak: "Pumasa po kasi ako sa test eh,

hu...hu...hu!"
Ama: "Aba, magaling! Anong subject ba 'yun,
anak?"
Anak: "Pregnancy test po, 'tay!"
Patient
A sweet grandmother telephoned Mercy
Hospital, and she timidly asked, "Is it
possible to speak to someone who can tell
me how a patient is doing?" The operator
responded, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's
the patient's name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous
voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on
hold while I check with her nurse." After a
few minutes the operator returned to the
phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told
me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood
pressure is fine; her blood work just came
back as normal. And her physician, Dr.
Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged
Tuesday." The grandmother said, "Thank
you. That's wonderful. I was so worried! God
bless you for the good news." The operator
replied, "You're more than welcome. Is
Norma your daughter? The grandmother
said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.
No one tells me damn thing!"
Perfect
PERFECT HEAVEN: Having American
salary, British home, German car, Chinese
food, and Pinoy wife!
PERFECT HELL: Having Korean car, British
wife, German food, American home and
Pinoy salary!
Perfect Alibi - Home Late
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa
karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am. Dahil sa takot at
baka mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM.
NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"
Penile Enlarger
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a
device that enlarges a man's sex organ by

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Joketor 1
up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called
a magnifiying glass.
Pera
Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.
Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong
gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo madaling
kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.
Period
Teacher: You know the importance of
period?Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has
missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart
attack our driver ran away.
Photo
A man moves into a nudist colony. He
receives a letter from his grandmother asking
him to send her a current photo of himself in
his new location. Too embarrassed to let her
know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally
sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he
has sent the wrong half. But then he
remembers how bad his grandmother's
eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from
his grandmother. It says: "Thank you for the
picture. You should change your hair style ...
it makes your nose look too short."
Picture
After a long night of making love, the young
guy rolled over, was looking around when he
noticed a framed picture of another man on
a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy
began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he
inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied,
snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?"
he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling
away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?"
demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly,
Rachael replied, "That's me before the
surgery."
Pig
A young man was driving up a steep, winding
and narrow mountain road. Going round a

tight corner, he notices a woman driver who

is coming in the opposite direction begin to
lean out of her window. As they pass
each other she yells at him, "PIG!"
The man immediately leans out of his
window and screams back at her,
"WITCH!" Each continues on their way, and
as the man rounds the next bend he
crashes into a pig, right in the middle of the
road...If only men would listen...!
Pikon
Why do cows get pikon when being milked?
Dyos ko! Kaw ba naman, somebody wakes
you up at 4am and rubs your boobs for 2
hours and wont screw you afterwards.
Diba NAKAKAPIKON?
Pin No.
ERAP nasa likod ni FVR sa pila sa ATM.......
ERAP: Hahaha..... alam ko na pin mo
FVR: Ano?
ERAP: Apat na asterisk.
Pinay Power
Dalawang lingo nang kasal sina Gino at
Karen. Kahit mahal ni Gino ang kanyang
misis, nasasabik din siyang makipag-inuman
sa kanyang mga kumpare. Isang gabi,
nagpaalam si Gino kay Karen, "Honey,
babalik kaagad ako..." "Sweetheart, saan ka
pupunta?" tanong ni Karen. "Sa bar, cutie
pie. Iinom lang ako ng beer." Saad ni Gino.
"Gusto mo ng beer, love? Eto..." hirit ni
Karen sabay bukas ng ref at ipinakita ang 25
na iba't ibang klase ng beer na puro
imported. Hindi malaman ni Gino kung ano
ang gagawin. Ang sabi na lang niya, "Oo,
cutiepie, pero doon sa bar... alam mo na...
iyung malamig na glass..." Hindi pa tapos
magsalita si Gino, eh, buong lambing na
nagsalita na si Karen, "Gusto mo ng malamig
na glass, sweetheart? Eto..." Binuksan ni
Karen ang freezer at naglabas s'ya ng isang
malamig na glass, sobrang lamig at
nangangatog pa sa hawak. Medyo inis na si
Gino, na ang nasabi eh, "Oo nga cutie pie,

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Joketor 1
pero sa bar ang daming pulutan. Sandali
lang ako talaga. Babalik kaagad ako, okey?"
"Gusto mo ng pulutan, sweetheart?"
malambing pa ring usisa ni Karen, na
binuksan ang oven at naglabas ng 15 klase
ng pulutan - sisig, chicken wings, sitsarong
bulaklak, crispy pata, inihaw na bangus,
camaron rebosado, hotdog with onion,
kaldereta at iba pa. "Pero cutie pie, sa bar...
you know, merong konting biruan, bolahan,
murahan. You know." sabi ni Gino. Hindi na
nakapagpigil si Karen! "Gusto mo ng
murahan sweetheart? TANG-INA MO PALA
EH! HETO, INUMIN MO ITONG PUTANG
INANG BEER MO SA MALAMIG NA
BWAKANANG INANG BASO NA 'TO, AT
KAININ MO 'YANG PUKI NANG INANG
PULUTAN NA 'YAN DAHIL HINDI KA
LALABAS NG BAHAY! ULOL!" TANG
INANG' TO!
Pip or Tirso Cruz
Jinggoy: Dad totoo bang si Tirso Cruz III ay
pangatlo na sa mga Tirso Cruz?
Erap: Tanga, pang 5 na siya kaya nga PIP
ang palayaw nya.
Pizza: 4 Slices
Pizza Man: Mister, your whole pizza is ready
to go. How do you want it cut, four slices or 8
slices?
Customer: Four slices, as I cannot finish 8!
Pls Shut Up
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles
per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I
had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your
radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up
from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be
silly dear, you know that this car doesn't
have cruise control." As the officer writes out
the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your
mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles
demurely and says, "You should be thankful
your radar detector went off when it did." As

the officer makes out the second ticket for

the illegal radar detector unit, the man
glowers at his wife and says through
clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you
keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns
and says, ! "And I notice that you're not
wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah,
well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I
could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very
well that you didn't have your seat belt on.
You never wear your seat belt when you're
driving." And as the police officer is writing
out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T
YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer
looks over at the woman and asks, "Does
your husband always talk to you this way,
Ma'am?" I love this part...."Only when he's
been drinking."
Plural
Teacher: Ano ang plural ng woman?
Pupil: Women
Teacher: Good, ano naman ang plural ng
child?
Pupil: Twins....
Poison
A lady walked into a drug store and told the
pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The
pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you
need cyanide?" The lady then explained she
needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got real big and he said,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to
kill your husband! That's against the law! I
would lose my license! They'd throw both of
us in jail!" The lady reached into her purse
and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed
the photo to the pharmacist. The pharmacist
looked at the picture and replied, "Well now,
you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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Joketor 1
Poetic love
Love is a hidden fire,
a pleasant sore,
a soothing pain,
an agreeable torment,
a sweet wound,
in short - a gentle death!
ang lalim!
Shet! Dati! Love is blind lang eh!
Police Free Coffee
Pulis: Bayad ko sa kape, o.
Chinese: Aba, bakit ka bayad?
Pulis: Utos ni Chief, wala nang kotong.
Chinese: Aba sige, simula ngayon hindi na
ako dura sa kape mo.
(Cop: Im paying for the coffee now.
Chinese: What? No need to pay!
Cop: Theres new ruling from the Chief. No
corruption!
Chinese: Ok, I will no longer spit on your
coffee!)
Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes a teacher
trying to teach good manners, asked her
students the following question: "Michael, if
you were on a date having dinner with a nice
young lady, how would you tell her that you
have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said,
"Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher
responded by saying, "That would be rude
and impolite. What about you Peter; how
would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back." "That's better, but it's still not
very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny,
can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?" "I would say: Darling,
may I please be excused for a moment? I
have to shake hands with a very dear friend
of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after
dinner." The teacher fainted......
Pool Pond
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large

farm for several years. He had a large pond

in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and
peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old farmer decided to go
down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He
grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring
back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing
with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a
bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his
pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and theyall went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're
not coming out until you leave!" The old man
frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch
you ladies swim naked or make you get out
of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral:
Old men can still think fast
Poor Attendance
Preacher: "How come I never see you in
church anymore, Morris?" Morris: "There are
too many hypocrites here, Reverend."
Preacher: "Don't worry, Morris; there's
always room for one more."
Population Policies
Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
Prayers
Different prayers of single women...
At Age 15: Lord, give me SuperMAN.
At Age 18: Lord, give me a cute MAN.
At Age 20: Lord, give me the best MAN.
At Age 30: Lord, give me a good MAN.
At Age 40: Lord, give me a MAN.
At Age 50: Lord, give me sinoMAN.
At Age 60: Lord, maawa ka naMAN.
At Age 70: Lord, kaya ko pa naMAN.
At Age 80: Lord, kahit hipo MAN lang.

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Joketor 1
Pretty children
Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga
anak mo!
Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa
ko lang ang inasahan ko hindi sana
mangyayari yan!
(Mrs 1: Your children are very pretty!
(Mrs 2: Of course, I did not depend on my
husband!)
Priest
Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag
kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na
mag-MADRE ako!
Priests On Vacation
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on
vacation. They were determined to make this
a real vacation by not wearing anything that
would identify them as clergy. As soon as the
plane landed they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts,
sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning
they went to the beach dressed in their
"tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach
chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the
scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous"
topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking
straight towards them. They couldn't help
but stare. As the blonde passed them she
smiled and said "Good Morning, Father.
Good Morning, Father," nodding and
addressing each of them individually, then
she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were
priests? So the next day, they went back to
the store and bought even more outrageous
outfits. These were so loud you could hear
them before you even saw them! Once
again, in their new attire, settled on the
beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless
blonde, wearing a different colored thong,
taking her sweet time, came walking toward

them. Again she nodded at each of them,

said "Good morning, Father. Good morning,
Father," and started to walk away. One of the
Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said,
"Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"
"We are Priests and proud of it, but I have to
know, how in the world do you know we are
Priests, dressed as we are?" She replied,
"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."
Promotion
Judge: Ikaw na naman! Sampung taon ka
nang humaharap sa korte ko ah!
Swindler: Your Honor, di ko kasalanan kung
hindi po kayo ma-promote.
Pulis
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper,
gun for hire, gambling lord, swindler at
bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong
hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: Meron po. Pulis po ako.
Pulutan
PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa
birthday mo?
JUAN: Pata!
PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?
JUAN; PATA galan ng kwento!
Quote
The human brain is a remarkable organ. It
begins to work the moment you are born,
and stops only when you decide to marry.
Rabbi, Hindu and Lawyer
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving
late at night in the country when their car
expired. They set out to find help, and came
to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the
door, the farmer explained that he had only
two beds, and one of the three had to sleep
in the barn with the animals. The three
quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would
sleep in the barn and let the other two have
the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left,
there was a knock on the bedroom door. The
Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in
the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against

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Joketor 1
my religion to sleep in the same room with a
pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the
barn, as he had no religious problem with
pigs. However, about five minutes later, the
Hindu burst through the bedroom door
saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't
sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against
my religion!"The lawyer, anxious to get to
sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no
problem sleeping with animals. In two
minutes, the bedroom door burst open and
the pig and the cow entered...
Rabbi Leaving
This is a story about a popular young Rabbi,
who on Sabbath Eve announces to his
congregation that he will not renew his
contract. He explains that he must move on
to a larger congregation that will pay him
more. There is a hush. No one wants him to
leave. Sol Epstein, who owns several car
dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims, "If the Rabbi stays, will provide
him with a new Cadillac every year and his
wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!" The congregation sighs in
appreciation, and applauds. Sam Goldstein,
a successful entrepreneur and investor,
stands and says, "If the Rabbi will stay on
here, I'll personally double his salary, and
also establish a foundation to guarantee the
college education's of all his children!" More
sighs and loud applause. Sadie Goldfarb,
age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
"If the Rabbi stays, I vill give him sex!" The
Rabbi, blushing, asks her "Mrs. Goldfarb,
whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jacob is now
trying to hide, holding his forehead with the
palm of his hand and shaking his head from
side to side while his wife replies, "Vell, I just
asked my husband how ve could help and he
said, 'Fuck the Rabbi!
Rabbi, a Minister and
a Wiccan Priestess

A rabbi, a Unitarian Universalist minister, and

a Wiccan priestess decided to go on a fishing
trip together. They went down to their local
lake, rented a boat, and went out on to the
lake for a day of fishing. As the afternoon
approached, the trio got hungryand
realized that they left their lunches on the
shore of the lake. The minister got out of the
boat, walked across the lake, got his lunch,
walked back, and sat down to eat his lunch.
"You should have gotten all of our lunches!"
scolded the priestess. She then got up,
walked across the lake, picked up her lunch
as well as the rabbi's, walked back across
the lake, and sat down, handing the rabbi his
afternoon meal. The rabbi at this point is
almost out of his mind, his eyes wide with
shock. He manages to sputter, "Wha...
what... how did you...?" The minister grins at
the priestess, nudges her, and asks "Do you
think we should tell him about the rocks?"
The priestess looks at the minister, raises an
eyebrow, and replies "What rocks?"
Radio Request
Sa 1 Radio Station, may 1 lalaki ang
nagrerequest ng song.
DJ : Kanino mo i de-dedicate ang song?
LALAKI: S Biyenan ko po!
DJ: Wow! Bihira ang ganyang nag rerequest
para sa kanyang biyenan, e ano namang
kanta ang gusto mong irequest?
LALAKI: Devil Woman!
Rape! Rape!
Isang panget na babe, hinoholdap
Holdaper: holdap ito! akin na pitaka mo!
Babae: RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap lang ito!
Babae: Wala lang! Nagsusuggest lang...
Rape Suspect
ATTY: Inday, pwede mo bang idiskrayb dito
sa korte ang taong nangreype sa 'yo?
INDAY: Maitim, panot, tagyawatin, pango
ilong, at bungal...

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Joketor 1
SUSPEK: Sige!...mang-asar ka pa!!!!
REAL 911 Calls!
1) Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your
emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded
like gunshots coming from the brown house
on the corner. Dispatcher:Do you have an
address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks,
why?
2) Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your
emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my
house and took a bite out of my ham and
cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich
and left it on the kitchen table and when I
came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it. 
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me
before and I'm sick and tired of it!
3) Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of
your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my
phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven
Caller: I thought you just said it was nineone-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and
nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not
stupid.
4) Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of
your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
5) Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing.
I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going
to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulanc e is on the way.

Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you
started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
Really Rich Whore
This guy wins really big in one of the casinos.
After winning one hundred thousand dollars
at the craps table, the casino decides to give
the guy a night in the penthouse suite. The
guy goes up and steps into a three-room
suite. The room is nothing but windows, with
a fantastic view of the city. The guy drops his
bag on money in a chair and stands looking
out the windows at the city. He realizes he
needs a good time. He calls down to the front
desk and tells the clerk to send up one of the
best high- priced call girls in the city. Thirty
minutes later there's a knock on the door.
The guy opens it and there is the most
gorgeous girl he has ever seen. She walks
into the room. The guy goes over to the bar
and fixes two drinks. "Now, down to
business," he says, "how much for a hand
job?" The hooker says, "Honey, a hand job is
$500.00"
"What, $500! That's outrageous!" "Come
over here," She says walking toward one of
the windows, "see that strip mall over there,"
pointing out the window, "I own the last two
stores on the end. I was able to buy those
stores with the money I saved from giving
hand jobs. I must be pretty good at it." "All
right, do it." A half hour after she's done, the
guy is sitting on the couch reveling in
ecstasy. He gets up, goes to the bar and
makes two more drinks. He gives one to the
hooker and drinks one himself. "That was the
best hand job I have ever had. How much for
a blow job?" "Honey, a blow job is $5,000."
"What, $5,000! That's outrageous!" "Come
over here," She says walking toward another
one of the windows, see that hotel and

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Joketor 1
casino over there on the corner," pointing out
the window, "I own that, I was able to buy it
with the money I saved from giving blow
jobs. You dont know the quality of my
blowjob. "All right, lets do it." The guy gives
her $5,000.00. An hour after she's done the
guy is laying on the couch, exhausted but
satisfied. He gets up, barely staggers over
to the bar, mixes two more drinks, one for the
hooker, and one for himself. "My, that was
the best blow job I have ever had, I've gotta
know, how much for some pussy?" The
hooker looks at him and says, "Honey, if I
had a pussy, I'd own this whole town."
Red Skelton Marriage Recipe
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice
restaurant, have a little beverage, good food
and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays,
I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she
keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go
for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't
been in a long time!" she said. So I
suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she
shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker. She said
"There are too many gadgets and no place
to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric
chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running
well because there was water in the
carburetor. I asked where the car was; she
told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for
two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling
"Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The
driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one

cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know
her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
! My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said
"Dust!"
Red Tomatoes
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes,
but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn
red. One day while taking a stroll she
came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had
the most beautiful garden full of huge red
tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so
red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well,
twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes
turn red from blushing so much." Well, the
woman was so impressed, she decided to try
doing the same thing to her tomato garden to
see if it would work. So twice a day for two
weeks she exposed herself to her garden
hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen
was passing by and asked the woman, "By
the way, How did you make out? Did your
tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied, "but
my cucumbers are enormous."
Regalo
Mare: Di yata nagustuhan ni Pare ang
birthday gift mo, ah...
Mrs: Oo nga, 7 months na, di pa rin
ginagamit.
Mare: Bakit, ano ba regalo mo sa kanya?
Mrs: Memorial Plan.
Reincarnation: Barako
Maria was worried if Pete, her dead
husband made it to heaven, so she decided
to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo
of calling to the spirits, Pete's voice was
heard answering, "Hello Maria, this is me,
Pete," "Pete," she answered. "Are you happy

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Joketor 1
there in the afterlife?b What's it like there?"
"Oh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever
imagined," Pete answered. "We are all well
taken care of by the caretakers. And the only
thing we do all day long is eat and sleep, eat
and sleep, over and over." "I'm so happy
you made it to heaven," his Mary cried.
"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm
a barako in Bulacan piggery."
Release from Prison
A woman awoke during the night to find that
her husband Bill was not in bed. She put on
her robe and went downstairs. Bill was sitting
at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in
front of him. He appeared to be in deep
thought, just staring at the wall. She saw Bill
wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of
his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are
you down here at this time of
night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty
years ago when we were dating, and you
were only 16?" Bill asked. "Yes, I do," she
replied. "Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car making
love?" "Yes, I remember."
"Do you
remember when he shoved that shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my
daughter, or spend twenty years in jail'" "Yes,
I do," she said. Bill wiped another tear from
his cheek and said, "You know . . .I would
have gotten out today."
Religion: Where God live.
Teacher: Children, where does God live?
Pupil:
In our bahroom, mam
Teacher: Why do you think that?
Pupil: Because every morning Daddy goes
to the bathroom and yells: My God, you still
in there!
Relocated
Prospective Employer to Applicant: So why
did you leave your previous job?
Applicant: The company relocated and they
did not tell me where!
Remains

Erap and friends went to a funeral.

Wondering, Erap's friend asked him why he
wanted to go home already. With a look on
his Erap's face, he said "Di nyo ba nakikita
yung sign? REMAINS WILL BE CREMATED
ALIS NA TAYO!"
Report Card
Father to son after exam: "let me see your
report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to
scare his parents."
Resourceful Wife
Mare 1: Naku mare, ang gaganda ng mga
anak mo!
Mare 2: Talaga, mare! Hay naku kung asawa
ko lang ang inasahan ko hindi sana
mangyayari yan!
Romance
Two gays got into an heated argument.
Gay 1: Shit! You can kiss my ass
Gay 2: This is not the time to talk of
romance
Rorschach
After a sexual harassment incident at work,
Frank is sent to a Psychiatrist for evaluation.
The Doctor explains that he'll be showing
Frank a series of inkblot images called
Rorschach Inkblots. Doctor: "Now Frank as I
reveal each image tell me the first thing
that comes to mind okay." Frank: "Sure, I got
it." The doctor shows the first pattern. Doctor:
"What do you see?" Frank: "A women with
really big tits." Next image. Frank: "A man
and a women screwing." Next image Frank:
"A women performing oral sex on a guy."
The doctor puts down the images and says,
"Frank you seem to have an obsession with
sex." Frank: "Me! Hell Doc, you're the one
with all the dirty pictures."
Rosario Po
MADRE: Ano ang apelyido mo, iho?
SAKRISTAN: Alam nyo na ho yun sister, lagi
nyo po yun hinahawakan.

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Joketor 1
MADRE: Susmaryosep! Bayag ba ang
apelyido mo?
SAKRISTAN: Sister naman, Rosario po.
Rough Draft
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.
S - Superman
Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman?
Kasi, wala ng Medium! Tignan mo, and sikipsikip.
Saan Tayo?
GF: Saan tayo?
BF: Punta tayo roon... sa madilim!
GF: Ha?
BF: Trust me!
GF: Ok.
(Pagdating sa madilim... )
GF: Bakit ka naghubo?
BF: Huwag kang maingay!
GF: Maghuhubo rin ako!
BF: Bakit? Tatae ka rin ba?
Sa Tagalog
Sa English: Eat all you can, dont be shy...
feel at home...
Sa Tagalog: Kain lang kayo ng kain. Walang
hiya kayo...pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo ito!
Safari
Bisaya1: Gara ng kutsi! Siguro ki miyur yan?
Bisaya2: dili day!
Bisaya1: ki hipi?
Bisaya2: tunto k man bay! Ki Father yan!
Gisulat na nga sa likud oh! "SAFARI"
Safety Tool in the Trunk
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
that's designed to cut through a seat belt if
she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
Salt (Asin)
Isang babae bumili ng asukal. Inabot ng
tindera,pero sabi ng babae, "Miss, asin itong
binigay mo sa akin." Sumagot ang tindera,
Hindi, asukal yan. Minarkahan lang naming
Asin para hindi langgamin.
(One lady bought sugar and complained,

Miss, it says Salt on the label. The

saleslady explained, Thats really Sugar. We
labeled Salt to discourage ants.)
Sama Ako
Misis: Hindi ko na kaya 'to! Araw-araw
na lang tayong nag-aaway. Mabuti pa,
umalis na ako sa bahay na 'to!
Mister: Ako rin, sawang-sawa na! Away
rito, away roon! Mabuti pa siguro,
sumama na ako sa 'yo!
Save Species
SABI nila nauubos na raw ang mga puno,
isda at ibon sa mundo. Ang masakit pa rito
ay dahan-dahan daw namamatay ang mga
unggoy. Kaya naalala agad kita...ingat ka
ha?
(They say many species are disappearing,
like trees, fish and birds. The most painful
are the disappearing family of apes. . . Thats
why I remember you. Pls be careful, huh!)
Savoir Faire
Three Frenchmen were sitting in a bistro
enjoying their coffee, when a young
American approached and asked them for
the definition of the term "savoir faire". The
youngest of the trio said that it was tres
simple - he would define it with an example.
"If you arrived at home and found your wife
in the passionate embrace of a stranger, and
you said 'Excusez moi' and quietly departed,
then you would have demonstrated savoir
faire".
"Mais non", said the second, older and more
urbane Frenchman. "Let me give a better
example. If you arrived at home and found
your wife in the embrace of a stranger, and
you said, 'Excusez moi, continuez', and
quietly departed, then you would have
exhibited savoir faire".
The third, and most venerable Frenchman
shook his head and gave the Gaelic
equivalent of "close but no cigar", and said,

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Joketor 1
"Let me give you the proper answer. If you
came home and found your wife in the
passionate embrace of a stranger and said,
'Excusez moi, continuez' and he did - HE has
savoir faire."
Sayings. . . Again pls..
1. Birds of the same feather are the same
birds
2. Do not do unto others what you can't do
3. An apple a day is not an apple at night
4. When the cat is away the mouse is alone
5. If others can do it, dont help
6. Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell
you mine
7. Early to bed and early to rise makes you
sleepy in the afternoon
8. Ang ilog na tahimik ay malalim, ang ilog na
maingay may naglalaba
School
A little girl had just finished her first week of
school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said
to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and
they won't let me talk!"
Second Opinion
Doc: Bukod sakin me nauna ka bang
kinunsulta sa sakit mo?
Patient: Sa albularyo ho.
Doc: Anong katarantaduhan ang ipinayo
sayo?
Patient: Punta daw ako sa inyo.
Second Opinion
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a
fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up
in a rage and says, "And you are no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty
and decides to make amends and rings her
up. She comes to the phone after many
rings, and the irritated husband says, "What
took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early,
doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!"
Senior Style
As my wife and I are approaching our 63rd

and 65th birthdays, respectively, we

scheduled our annual medical examination
the same day, so we could travel together.
After my examination, the doctor said, "You
appear to be in good health. Do you have
any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," I said.
"After I am intimate with my wife the first
time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then,
after I the second time, I am usually cold and
chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the
doctor. "Let me do some research and get
back to you." After examining my wife, the
doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine.
Do you have any medial concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?" She replied
that she had no questions, nor concerns. The
doctor then asked, "Your husband had an
unusual concern. He claims that he is usually
hot and sweaty after being intimate the first
time with you and cold and chilly after the
second time, do you know why?" "Oh, that
old fart!" she replied. "That's because, the
first time is usually in July and the second
time is usually in December."
Sentence
TITSER: Who can make a sentence then
translate it in tagalog?
PUPIL: My titser is beautiful, isn't she?
TITSER: Very good, translate it in tagalog.
PUPIL: Ang guro ko ay maganda, maganda
nga ba?
Separation
"WIFE: maghiwalay na tayo!
MAN: ok,akin ang bahay!
WIFE: akin ang farm!
MAN: akin ang kotse!
WIFE: ah pero akin driver
MAN: pwes, magkakamatayan tyo,
MATAGAL NA SIYANG AKIN!"
Seven Kinds of Sex.
I. SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking.
So, how's your sex life?"

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Joketor 1
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social
Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month,
but not enough to live on!"
II. LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem,doctor. Every time
we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he
lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the
shrink said, "Not unusual. What the problem
is." She complained, "It wakes me up!
III. QUIET SEX
Tired of a lifeless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent
lovemaking, "How come you never tell me
when you have an orgasm. She looked at
him coyly, and replied, "You're never home!"
IV. CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and torn from his
body. His doctor assured him that modern
medicine could give him back his manhood,
but that his insurance wouldn't cover the
surgery since it was considered cosmetic. He
said the cost would be $3,500 for "small,"
$6,500 for "medium," and c$14,000 for
"large".
The man was sure he would want a medium
or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it
over with his wife before he made any
decision. The man called his wife on the
phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and
found the man looking dejected. "Well, what
have the two of you decided?"he asked. The
man answered, "She'd rather remodel the
kitchen".
V. WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel
on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here
Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she

replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a

headstone that reads: Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last".
VI. NO SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY
jelly and said, "Here's something that will
make you happy tonight." He was right.
When he went out of the bedroom, I smeared
it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get
back in.
VII. OLD SEX
One night an 85 year-old woman came home
from Bingo to find her 90 year-old husband in
bed with another woman. She became
violent and ended up pushing him off the
balcony of their 20th floor assisted living
apartment...killing him instantly. Brought
before the court on a charge of murder. The
judge asked her if she had anything to say in
her defense. She began coolly, "Yes, your
honor. I figured that if he could have sex at
90, he could fly!
Sex Frogs
A young blond goes to her local pet store in
search of an exotic pet. As she looks about
the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign reads "SEX FROGS! ONLY $20.00
EACH! Comes with complete instructions."
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if
anybody is watching her. She whispers softly
to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
As the man packages the frog, he quietly
says to her, "Just follow the instructions."
The blond nods, grabs the box and is quickly
on her way home. As soon as she closes the
door to her apartment, she opens the
instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take
a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into
bed and place the frog down beside you and
allow the frog to do what he has been trained
to do. She then quickly gets into bed with
the frog and to her surprise nothing happens!

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Joketor 1
The blonde is very disappointed and quite
upset at this point. She re-reads the
instructions and notices at the bottom of the
paper where it says, "If you have any
problems or questions, please call the pet
store." So, the blonde calls the pet store.
The man says, "I'll be right over." Within
minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The
blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've
done everything according to the
instructions. The damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up
the frog, stares directly into its eyes and
sternly says? "Listen to me! I'm only going
to show you how to do this one more time.!"
Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married
for 20 years. Everytime they made love the
husband always insisted on shutting off the
light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this
was ridiculous. She figured she would break
him out of this crazy habit. So one night,
while they were in the middle of a wild,
screaming, romantic session, she turned on
the lights. She looked down. and saw her
husband was holding a battery-operated
leisure device... a vibrator! Soft,
wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent
bastard," She screamed at him, "how could
you be lying to me all of these years? You
better explain yourself!" The husband looks
her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."
Sex Queries
Q. What is the difference between a drug
dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it
again.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing

off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your
own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot
and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders
practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the
sheep that kick.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it
alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have
in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have
in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"
and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat
fingers?
A. Well-Hung.
Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

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Joketor 1
Q: What's the difference between purple and
pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist
colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend
and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend
and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the
bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium
and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, ten inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention
to their appearance than improving their
minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are
blind.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they
get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Sheep Fries
There was once a sheep farmer who had a
French farmhand working with him to help
castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated

the first sheep, the French farmhand took the

parts and was about to throw them into the
trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw
those away! My wife fries them up, and we
eat them, they're delicious! They're called
Sheep Fries!" The farmhand saved the parts
and took them to the farmer's wife who
cooked them up for supper. This went on for
three days....and each evening they had
Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night
the farmer came in to the house for supper.
He asked his wife where the farmhand was,
and she replied, "It's the strangest thing!
When he came in and asked what was for
supper, I told him French Fries, and he ran
like hell!"
Shoes
Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng shoes mo,ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim
ng kama namin kagabi!"
Shoot Him
An airhead suspects her boyfriend of
cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a
gun. She goes to his apartment and when
she opens the door, she finds him in the
arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the
gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to
her head. The boyfriend yells, "Honey, don't
do it !" She replies, "Shut up! You're next!"
Side B
Mental patient was singing while lying in his
hospital bed. After a song, he turned
facedown to sing again.
NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad?
PATIENT: Side B na kase e.
Side Efect
Jinggoy: Dad totoo bang may side effect ang
Viagra?
Erap: Tanga, sa harap ang effect niyan hindi
sa side.

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Joketor 1
Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some
problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man
realized that the next day, he would need his
wife to wake him up at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be
the first to break the silence (and lose), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me
at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it. The next morning, the man
woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was
about to go and see why his wife did not
wake him up, when he noticed a piece of
paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00
AM. Wake up."
Similarity
TEACHER: Anong similarity nina Jose Rizal,
Andres Bonifacio, Ninoy Aquino at Apolinario
Mabini?
STUDENT: Ma'am, pagkaka-alam ko po,
silang lahat ay pinanganak ng holiday!
Simple Talk
FACT: did you know that those people who
laugh with "hehe" loves sex and people who
laugh with "haha" are intelligent? ...wala
lang, just to let you know. hehe... Ay, haha
pala!
Sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week
I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To
help you understand my sermon, I want you
all to read Mark 17." The following Sunday,
as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He
wanted to know how many had read Mark
17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled
and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin
of lying."
Sira
Patient: Dok, malungkot dito sa mental kaya
naisipan kong sulatan ang sarili ko...

Doc: E ano naman ang laman ng sulat mo?

Patient: Di ko pa po alam kasi next wik ko pa
ata matatangap...
Sleeping Pills
Nurse: Miss, gising na!
Patient: Ah, bakit?
Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.
Patient: Anong gamot?
Nurse: Sleeping pills.
Slogans
Plumber:
"We repair what your husband Fixed."
Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeons office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
At A Laundry Shop:
"How about we refund your money, send you
a new one at no charge, close the store and
have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory?"
At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
tows."
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop
reading these signs."
On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."
At an Optometrists Office:
"If you don't see what your looking for you've
come to the right place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's office:

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Joketor 1
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Butchers window:
"Let me meat your needs."
On a fence:
"Salesman Welcome, Dog food is
expensive."
At a car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss
a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you
coming."
Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
On a desk in a reception room:
"We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd
one just left."
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be de-lighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't you will be."
On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in
and get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin
drop."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is
optional.
Smart Alibi
A middle-aged man, going through his midlife crisis, went out and bought
himself a new bright red Porsche. He
decided to take his new Porsche on a
test
drive
down
the
interstate.
Enjoying his hot new Porsche, the man sped
up to about 85 mph. Suddenly, he
saw a highway patrolman, with lights flashing

and siren screaming, coming upfast behind

him. He decided he and his new Porsche
would outrun the officer. So, the man sped
up to 95 mph, then to 105 mph, but the
patrolman was still coming. Finally, the man
came to his senses, and said to himself,
"This is crazy, I could go to jail for this." So,
he pulled over. The patrolman came up to
the Porsche and told the man, "It has been a
long day, and I am tired. If you
can give me an excuse no one else has ever
given me, I will let you go." So, the man told
the officer, "Last night my wife ran off with a
patrolman, and when I saw you chasing me, I
thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said,
"Have a nice day.
Soda
IN A RESTAURANT, MAN: Waiter, bakit ang
tagal ng inorder ko, ilan ba ang cook nyo
rito? WAITER: Ay sorry sir, wala man kami
coke, pepsi lang at seven-up.
Somebodys Kidding
Reaching the end of a job interview, the
Human Resources Officer asked a young
Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting
salary were you looking for?" The Engineer
replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package." The
interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you
say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14
paid holidays, full medical and dental, a
company matching retirement fund to 50% of
salary, and a company car leased every 2
years say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer
sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you
kidding?" And the interviewer replies, "Yeah,
but you started it.
Son-in-Law
A Jewish girl brings her fianc home to meet
her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her
father to find out about the young man. He
invites the fianc to his study for schnapps.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the

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Joketor 1
fianc. "I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar," the father says.
"Admirable, but what will you do to provide a
nice house for my daughter to live in, as
she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the
young man replies, "and God will provide for
us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful
engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
asks the father. "I will concentrate on my
studies," the young man replies, "God will
provide for us." "And children?" asks the
father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies
the fianc. The conversation proceeds like
this, and each time the father questions, the
fianc insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go?" The
father answers, "He has no job and no plans,
but the good news is he thinks I'm God."
Sorry about that
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of
Canterbury around the royal stable, when
one of the stallions close by farted so loudly
it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the
Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully
sorry about that." "It's quite understandable,"
said the Archbishop, and after a moment,
added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was
the horse."
Spaghetti
A wealthy man had an affair with an Italian
woman for several years. One night, during
one of their rendezvous, she confided in him
that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy
to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18. She agreed,
but asked how he would know when the
baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told
her to simply mail him a post card with
"spaghetti" written on the back. He would
then arrange for child support payments to

begin. One day, about nine months later, he

came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very
strange post card today." "Oh, just give it to
me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read
the card, turned white, and fainted. On the
card was written, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Speeder
A State Trooper was waiting by the curve of
the highway for hours for any speeders.
Then came a teenager doing over a 100
miles per hour when he saw the State
trooper's car. He slammed on his brakes and
just barely stopped right by the state troper's
side. The State Trooper said "Son, I've been
waiting for you all morning". The teenager
answered, "Sir, I came here as fast as I
could". The State Trooper did'nt say a word
and left as fast as he could before bursting in
laughter.
Spell Window
A Filipino lady was taking the exam for US
naturalization and citizenship. She passed
the test. The examiner said, "Now, the last
part of the exam is a vocabulary test. Can
you spell the word 'Window?"
The lady said, "W-I-N-D-O-W."; "Ah, very
good," the examiner said. "Now, use it in a
sentence." "WINDOW (when do) I get my
citizenship papers?"
Still Driving
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass
surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees,
fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half
blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet
engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and
feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92,
have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I
still have my driver's license.

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Joketor 1
Stranded
A man was washed up on a beach after a
terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a
sheepdog were washed up with him. After
looking around, he realized that they were
stranded on a deserted island. After being
there a while, he got into the habit of taking
his two animal companions to the beach
every evening to watch the sun set. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red
with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was
warm and gentle - a perfect night for
romance. As they sat there, the sheep
started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and
put his arm around it. But the sheepdog,
ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the
sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but
there was no more cuddling. A few weeks
passed by and, lo and behold, there was
another shipwreck. The only survivor was
Paris Hilton. That evening, the man
introduced Paris to the evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening - red sky,
cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon,
the man started to get "those feelings"again..
He fought the urges as long as he could, but
he finally gave in and leaned over to Paris,
cautiously and whispered in her ear... "Would
you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Strength against Age
A strong young man at the construction site
was bragging that he could outdo anyone in
a feat of strength. He made a special case of
making fun of Morris, one of the older
workmen. After several minutes, Morris had
enough. "Why don't you put your money
where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a
week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you

won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old

man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's
see what you got." Morris reached out and
grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right. Get in."
Stress - Tension - Panic
What's the difference between stress,
tension and panic? Stress is when the wife
is pregnant. Tension is when the girlfriend is
pregnant. Panic is when both are pregnant.
Sugar-free
Tanga 1: Ano bang hinahanap mo diyan sa
supot ng 3-in-1 coffee. Kanina ka pa silip
nang silip diyan.
Tanga 2: Hinahanap ko yung libreng asukal.
Nakasulat kasi sa karton "SUGAR FREE."
Sundalo
Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.
Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong
sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!
Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon,
kagatan na ang labanan?
Susunod
Nung bata ako, tuwing may kasal lagi ako
tinutukso nila lolo't lola "uuy, sya na
susunod...."
Tumigil lang sila nung may ililibing at tnukso
ko sila ng, "uuy, sila na susunod"
Tagaytay Ghost Story
This story happened a long time ago along
the Tagaytay Road. There was a guy who
got left behind by a pack of mountain bikers.
The group was large and he didn't bring a
cellphone. He crashed his bike somewhere
between Picnic Grove and DBP. To make
things worse, a storm came in. So he
walked. This guy was on the side of the road
hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle
of a storm. The night passed slowly and no
cars went by. The storm was so strong he
could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.
Suddenly, just before the junction going to
Manila, he saw a car slowly looming,

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ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept
toward him and stopped. It was raining hard,
wind blowing all around you, what would you
do? Like you would, he got into the car and
closed the door, then realized that there was
nobody! behind the wheel. The car slowly
started moving again. The guy was terrified,
too scared to think of jumping out and
running. The guy saw that the car was
slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy
started to pray, begging for his life; he was
sure the ghost car would go off the road and
he would plunge to his death, when just
before the curve, a hand appeared through
the window and turned the steering
wheel, guiding the car safely around the
bend. Terrified, the guy watched the hand
reappear every time they reached a
curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and
leaped from the car and ran to the nearest
place where there were houses. Wet and in
shock, he went into a store and voice
quavering, ordered two bottles of beer, and
told the people about his horrible,
supernatural
experience.
A
silence
enveloped everybody when they realized! the
guy was apparently sane and not drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into
the same store. One said to the other..........
"Yan! Yan yung tarantadong sumakay
habang nagtutulak tayo..."
Take A Leak
An American tourist in France found himself
needing to take a leak something terrible.
After a long search he just couldn't
find anyplace to relieve himself. So he just
went down one of the side streets to take
care of business. Before he could even get
unzipped a French police office asked,
"Hey, what are you doing?" "I gotta piss,
man." "You can't piss here. Look, follow
me." The police officer led him to a beautiful
garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and
manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop,

whiz away." The American shrugs, turns,

unzips, and starts right on the flowers.
"Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of
you. Is this French courtesy?" "No. This is
the American Embassy."
Take Off Clothes
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an
ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. "We
have come for an examination, " said the
young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go
behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt
here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam,
stick out your tongue...."
Talking Parrot
In a pet shop...
Customer talking to a parrot...
Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha?
GAGO!!!
Talong
SISTER 1: Mader Superior bili po tayo ng
talong.
MADER SUPERIOR: Sige! Magkano ba ang
isang kilo?
VENDOR: 20 pesos po sister.
SISTER 2: Ilang piraso ba ang isang kilo?
VENDOR: Apat na piraso po.
SISTER 1: Eh! Tatatlo lang naman tayo sa
kumbento, anong gagawin natin dun sa isa?
MADER SUPERIOR: Ay! Di ulamin na lang
natin mamayang gabi!
Tamad
Wife: Wala kang kwenta! TAMAD. Iwanan na
kita!
Husband: Sige, subukan mo! pag ginawa mo
yan ay maglalaslas ako!
Wife: ULOL! magpatuli nga takot ka,
maglaslas pa kaya! SUPOT!
Telephone
AMO: sagutin mo ang telepon inday!
INDAY: (baligtad ang hawak) hilo? hilo?
AMO: baligtarin mo!
INDAY: lohi? lohi?

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Joketor 1
AMO: telepon ang baligtarin mo!
INDAY: Puntili, puntili
Tenses
TITSER: Ano ang PAST TENSE sa LABA?
BOY 1: Naglaba mam!
TITSER: Tama!Ano ang PRESENT TENSE?
BOY 2: Naglalaba!
TITSER: Tama! Ano ang FUTURE TENSE?
BOY 3: MAGSASAMPAY mam!
Test Passed
Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?
Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!
Ama: Aba, magaling! Anong subject yun,
anak?
Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!
Thank You Po
Mom: baby, your good in math. Now I'm
going to ask you a question.
Baby: sure mom
Mom: if your daddy gives you 3 apples and I
give you 4 apples, what's your answer?
Baby: thank you po!
Thermometer
Two nurses on duty...
Nurse 1: Hoy! Gaga, bakit may thermometer
Naskapit sa tenga mo!
Nurse 2: Ha? Susmaryosep! kaninong pwet
ko kaya naiwan yung ballpen ko!!
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think
before you speak - the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you
could immediately take the words back... or
that you could crawl into a hole? Here are
the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband
and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How
much do you charge for a shampoo and a
blow job?" I turned around and walked back
out and never went back, my husband didn't
say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different

kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the

women's type I had been using. After
browsing for several minutes, I was
approached by one of the good-looking
gentlemen who worked at the store. He
asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed
by a store that sold a variety of candy and
nuts. As we were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we
needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just
looking at your nuts." My sister started to
laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I
turned beet-red and walked away. To this
day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my
toddler decided to release some pent-up
energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of
disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye and said in
a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let
me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up
the last of my dignity and walked out of the
bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I
heard when the door closed behind me, were
screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question
too many times? My three-year-old son had
a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at
Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining

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Joketor 1
room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go
potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to
go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh
Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clothes with me." Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an
accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that
he must have had an accident, because the
smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked
one more time, "Danny, did you have an
accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked
down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks
and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on
their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his
pants and sat down. An old couple made me
feel better, thanking me for the best laugh
they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan
laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed
female news anchor who will, in the future,
likely think before she speaks. What
happens when you predict snow but don't get
any! We had a female news anchor that, the
day after it was supposed to have snowed
and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did
too they were laughing so hard!
Thinker or Sexy (Tagalog):
Compadre A: Alam mo ba, Pare, kapag
kalbo ka sa harap ng ulo mo, ang ibig sabihin
niyan ay Sexy ka o mahilig ka. Kapag kalbo
ka sa liked ng ulo mo, Thinker ka.
Compadre B: Papaano kung kalbo and
harap at likod ng ulo mo at wala kang
buhok?
Compadre A: You THINK you are SEXY!
Thirsty

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one
says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says,
"So am I. Let's go get a beer."
Three Choices
There was a German, an Italian and a
Redneck on death row. The warden gave
them a choice of three ways to die:
1. to be shot + 2. to be hung + 3. to be
injected with the Aids Virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the
head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap!
he was dead. Then the Redneck said, "Give
me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him
the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and
wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me another
one of those shots," so the guards did. Now
he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from
his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the
warden said, "What's wrong with you?"
The Redneck replied, "You guys are so
stupid..... I'm wearing a condom."
Three Eggs and $100
An elderly pastor was searching his closet
for his collar before church service one
Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he
found a small box containing three eggs and
100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the
closet to ask her about the box and its
contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having
hidden the box there for their entire 30 years
of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the
pastor asked her, "Why?"The wife replied
that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings.
He asked her how the box could have hurt
his feelings. She said that every time during
their marriage that he had delivered a poor
sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30
years was certainly nothing to feel bad about,

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Joketor 1
so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I
sold them to the neighbors for $1."
Toilet Paper
Erap: Lintik na ibon yon...Iniputan ako!
Guard: Sir, sandali lang po kukuha ako ng
toilet paper...
Erap: Wag na! Paano mo pa mapupunasan
yung pwet non eh nakalipad na! Tanga ka
talaga!
Toothpick
Kustomer: Ano ba naman itong tutpik nyo,
iisa na nga lang, ang dali pang mabali!
Waiter (inis): Alam nyo, sir, ang dami nang
gumamit nyan, pero kayo lang nakabali!
Tough Being a Man...
a.. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try
to protect her from the rat race, you're a male
chauvinist.
b.. If you stay home and do the housework,
you're a pansy.
c.. If you work too hard, there is never any
time for her.
d.. If you don't work enough, you're a goodfor-nothing bum.
e.. If she has a boring repetitive job with low
pay,this is exploitation.
f.. If you have a boring repetitive job with low
pay, you should get off your ass and find
something better.
g.. If you get a promotion ahead of her, that
is favoritism.
h.. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal
opportunity.
i.. If you mention how nice she looks, it's
sexual harassment.
j.. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
k.. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't,
you're an insensitive bastard.
l.. If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
m.. If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
n.. If you make a decision without consulting
her, you're a chauvinist.
o.. If she makes a decision without consulting

you,
she's
a
liberated
woman.
p.. If you ask her to do something she
doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
q.. If she asks you, it's a favor.
r.. If you appreciate the female form and frilly
underwear, you're a pervert.
s.. If you don't, you're gay.
t.. If you like a woman to shave her legs and
keep in shape, you're sexist.
u.. If you don't, you're unromantic.
v.. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're
vain.
w.. If you don't, you're a slob.
x.. If you buy her flowers, you're after
something.
y.. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
z.. If you're proud of your achievements,
you're full of yourself.
aa.. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
ab.. If she has a headache, she's tired.
ac.. If you have a headache, you don't love
her anymore.
ad.. If you want it too often, you're
oversexed.
ae.. If you don't, there must be someone
else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN!
THEY WANT TO !
Trouble
WHEN I was lost you were there,
When I was down you were there.
When I was heartbroken you were there.
When I got really sick you were there.
Let me see, I think you were always there to
cause all my troubles!
Trouble Remembering Things
An 80 year old couple were having problems
remembering things, so they decided to go to
their doctor to get checked out to make sure
nothing was wrong with them. When they
arrived at the doctors, they explained to the
doctor about the problems they were having
with their memory. After checking the couple
out, the doctor told them that they were

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Joketor 1
physically okay but might want to start writing
things down and make notes to help them
remember things. The couple thanked the
doctor and left. Later that night while
watching TV, the man got up from his chair
and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked,
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He
replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't
you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?" He said, "No, I can
remember that." She then said, "Well I would
also like some strawberries on top.
You had better write that down because I
know you'll forget that." He said, "I can
remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream
with strawberries." She replied, "Well, I also
would like whipped cream on top. I know
you will forget that so you better write it
down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I
don't need to write that down! I
can remember that." He then fumes into the
kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned
from the kitchen and handed her
a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the
plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! YOU FORGOT
THE TOAST!"
Tuna
Q: Ano ang sabi ng isda nang hiwain siya sa
gitna?
A: I'm tuna (2 na)
Turn to Stone (Adult)
Billy says to Johnnie and Joey: "Let's take a
peek!" They look in the window and see a
pretty woman undressing.Suddenly, Johnnie
runs away and the other boys can't find him.
The next day, Billy and Joey see Johnnie
and ask: "Why'd you run away, you some
kind of faggot or something?" Johnnie
replies: "No, my mother told me that if I ever
do anything naughty, say anything naughty
or even look at anything naughty, God would
turn me into stone. Well, when I looked in

that window I noticed I started to turn to

stone, so I ran away!"
Turon
Anong saging ang mataba? SABA Anong
saging ang maliit? SENYORITA Yung
sinusubo pati balat?.. T? sirit na?
Esep..esep..! Ano pa eh di TURON!!!
Huwag
esepsama!
TV Remote
Husband and wife in bed together. She feels
his hand rubbing her shoulder. She: "Oh,
that feels good." His hand moves to her
breast. She: "Gee, honey, that feels
wonderful." His hand moves to her leg. She:
"Oh, honey, dont stop." But he stops. She:
"Why did you stop?" He: "Yoohoo! I found
the TV remote."
Twins
Rodrigo: Bakit bad trip ka?
Harry: Nagtampo sa 'kin ang utol ko.
Rodrigo: Bakit naman?
Harry: Nakalimutan ko kasi ang
birthday niya.
Rodrigo: 'Yun lang? Anong masama
ru'n?
Harry: Ang masama ru'n... twins kami!
Twins!
Two Nuns
There were two nuns... One of them was
known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the
other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away
from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been
following us for the past thirty-eight and a
half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is
to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did
the only logical thing. He started to walk

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faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will
reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split.
You go that way and I'll go this way. He
cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent
and is worried about what has happened to
Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The
man couldn't follow us both,so he followed
me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started
to run as fast as I could and he started to run
as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He
reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my
dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled
down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than
man with his pants down.
[And for those of you who thought it would be
dirty, say two Hail Marys! ]
Two Parrots
This lady approaches a priest and tells him,
"Father, I have a problem. I have these two
talking female parrots, but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?"
the priest asked. "They only know how to
say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to
have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest
exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two talking female

parrots over to my house and I will put them

with my two male talking parrots who I have
taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots
will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will
learn to pray and worship." "Thank you,"
said the lady. The next day, the lady brings
her female parrots to the priest's house. The
priest's two male parrots are holding rosary
beads and praying in their cage. The lady
puts her female talking parrots in with the
male talking parrots and the female parrots
say, "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to
have some fun?" One male parrot looks
over to the other male parrot and screams,
"Frank! Put the Bibles away - our prayers
have been answered!"
Two Prostis
Two prostitutes were riding around town with
a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO
PROSTITUTES - $50.00." A policeman,
seeing the sign, stopped them and told them
they'd either have to remove the sign or go to
jail. Just at that time, another car passed with
a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the
girls asked the cop, "How come you don't
stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different,"
the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion." So the two ladies of the night
frowned as they took their sign down and
drove off. The following day found the same
cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on
their car again. Figuring he had an easy
arrest, he began to catch up with them
when he noticed the new sign which now
read: "TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING
PETER - $50.00."
Ulam
Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit
nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip ang
ulam namin, hindi kinakain! Juan: Maniwala
ako?! Pedro: Totoo! Juan: Ano ba ang
ulam nyo? Pedro: Asin!

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Undercover Clergy
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a
hike one day. It was very hot. They were
sweating and exhausted when they came
upon a small lake. Since it was fairly
secluded, they took off all their clothes and
jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the
trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their "freedom." As they were
crossing an open area, who should come
along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the
minister and the priest covered their privates
and the rabbi covered his face while they ran
for cover.After the ladies had left and the
men got their clothes back on, the minister
and the priest asked the rabbi why he
covered his face rather than his privates. The
rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in
MY congregation, it's my face they would
recognize."
Unfortunate Cop
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the
hospital with an inflamed appendix. The
doctors operated and advised him that all
was well. However, the patrolman kept
feeling something pulling at the hairs on his
chest. Worried that it might be a second
surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he
finally got enough energy to pull his hospital
gown down enough so he could look at what
was making him so uncomfortable. Taped
firmly across his hairy chest were three wide
strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't
come off easily. Written in large black letters
was the sentence. "Get well quick..... from
the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
Unquotables
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy
Swaggert have this: It's called "Ministers Do
More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink
and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your

boss...the Pope expects you to kiss only his

ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant
flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to
your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that
ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were
inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping
and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking
the trash out, gives the impression that he
just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just
vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my
mechanic might try to rip me off. I was
relieved when he told me all I needed was
turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to
write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it
would be like putting a new flagpole on a
condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him
writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told
him rabies could be cured and he didn't have
to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What
Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to
bite."
13. Definition of a teen? God's punishment
for enjoying sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may
the splinters never point the wrong way.
Utos ni Donya
DONYA: Bilang bagong katulong, tandaan
mo na ang almusal dito ay ala-sais empuntu!
MAID: Walang problema Donya. Kung tulog
pa ako sa oras na yun, mauna na kayong
mag almusal!
Utot
Pag Americano umutot: EXCUSE ME! Pag

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British naman: PARDON ME! Pag Espanol:
EXCUSAR POR QUE UTUTAR! Pag Pinoy:
Di ako yun! Mamatay na ang umutot .
Varicose Veins
WIFE: Doc, bakit lumalabas ang mga ugat
sa bird ng mister ko?
DOC: Varicose veins yon!
WIFE: Anong cause noon?
DOC: Pareho din sa legs mo....pag laging
nakatayo!
VAT
Hooker: Doble na ang bayad ngayon.
Man: Bakit?
Hooker: VAT.
Man: Hindi pa naman approve yan.
Hooker: Vaginal Access Tax.
Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist is walking in the country,
when he comes upon a farmer and his dog
standing at the side of the road. He stops
and they exchange greetings. The
ventriloquist is bored from walking alone for
so long, so he decides to have a little fun
with the farmer. "Would you mind if I spoke
with your dog?" he asks the farmer. "Are you
stupid or somethin'?" the farmer says
incredulously, "Dogs can't talk!" "Well, I'll
give it a shot anyway," the ventriloquist
replies. He bends down by the dog and
says, "How ya doin' there, dog?" He
then does the voice of the dog without
moving his lips and say, "Oh, I'm doin' fine."
The farmer is flabbergasted. The
ventriloquist proceeds to have a
pretend conversation with the dog, asking
him how the farmer treats him, where they go
for walks, etc. When he's finished,
they walk up the path to the farm and go to
the stables. "Mind if I talk to your horse?" the
ventriloquist asks. "You can talk to horses,
too? Well, shoot, I guess I don't mind..."
answers the farmer. Again, the ventriloquist
has a conversation with the animal,
asking him how often the farmer takes him

out riding, how often he is fed, etc. Then they

walk out of the stable towards the fields. The
ventriloquist spies a herd of sheep in the
pasture. "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" he
asks. The farmer turns bright red and
stammers, "Them sheep ain't nothing but
liars, every single one of 'em!!!"
Vertical
Question: Bakit nga ba vertical ang hati ng
vagina?
Ans: Dapat lang kasi kung nagkataong
horizontal, sasara ang pekpek pagbukas ng
legs! O, iniimagine mo pa!
Viagra: Extra Strength (Adult)
George walks into the pharmacy and says to
the pharmacist, Look, I've got three girls
coming over tonight. I've never had three
girls at once, so what have you got to keep
me strong all night?" The pharmacist says,
"Take one of these Extra Strength Viagra
pills and you'll go crazy for 12 hours."
George replies, "Really, give me three. The
next day George returns to the same
pharmacist, who smiles and asks Well,
how'd it go?" In answer, George pulls down
his pants, to display his penis that's black
and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest
sights the pharmacist had ever seen.
George says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not
going to put BenGay on that are you?"
George replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arm. The
girls didn't showup."
Viagra result
A lady consulted her physician how to revive
her husband's libido. "What about trying
Viagra ?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance,"
she said, "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it
into his coffee. He won't detect it. Give it a try
and call me in a week to let me know how
things went." It wasn't a week later that she
called the doctor, who directly inquired as to
progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh,

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it was just terrible, doctor." "Really? What
happened?" asked the doctor. "Well, I
slipped the Viagra pill in his coffee. The
effect was almost immediate. He jumped
straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with
his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop
of his arm, He swope the cups and tablecloth
flying, ripped my clothes to and took me then
and there, making wild, mad, passionate love
to me on the table top! It was an absolute
nightmare!" The doctor asked, "Was it bad?"
"No, no, doctor. The sex was the best sex
I've had in 25 years. But, sure as I'm sittin'
here, I'll never be able to show my face in
Starbucks again."
Viagra - 25 mg
Mrs: Inday, punta ka sa botika. Ibili mo si sir
mo ng Viagra, 100mg, ha?.
Maid: Sa iyo gagamitin ni sir, ano, mam?
Mrs: Bakit?
Maid: Pag sa akin kasi ang iniinom ni sir,
25mg lang!
Viagra - avoid sayad
Isang lalaki na-admit sa St. Luke's sunog
dalawang hita...
DR: Nurse, i-dextrose mo tapos antibiotic,
burn cream at Viagra.
Nurse: Viagra?
DR: Para di sumayad yung kumot sa sugat...
Vibrating Cellphone
Mrs: Bilis! Nahulog cellphone ko sa loob ng
panty ko, "nagbavibrate."
Mr: E, anong gagawin ko? Dudukutin ko ba
sa loob ng panty mo?
Mrs: Gago! Kunin mo yung charger, baka
ma-low batt!
Vibrator
Mother Superior: Hala, layas dito sa
kumbento!
Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko
ng vibrator?
Mother Superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may
nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!
Virgin

Honeymoon scene:
Wife: Hon wag mo ako bibiglain ha? I'm still a
virgin.
Husband: You mean ako ang una?
Wife: Yes, do it na.
Husband: I did it na, kanina pa!!
Wife: Ah ganon ba? Aray pala.
Walang Laman
Holduper: Pili ka, wallet mo o pasabugin utak
mo?
Biktima: Ikaw na bahala..basta pareho po
yan walang laman!
Wal-Mart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria,
Joe says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better
see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to
spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs
ten dollars . . . a lot cheaper than a
doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in
a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights
up and asks for the urine sample. He pours
the sample into the slot and waits. Ten
seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will
improve in two weeks. Thank you for
shopping at Wal-Mart." That evening, while
thinking how amazing this new technology
was, Joe began wondering if the computer
could be fooled. He mixes some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurries back
to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction,
and awaits the results. The computer prints
the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog

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has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a
cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your
wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer. 5 If you don't stop playing with
yourself, your elbow will never get better!
"Want To Go To Heaven?"
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal,
and said to the first man he meets, "Do you
want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do
Father." The priest said, "Then leave this
pub right now!" and approached a second
man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den of Satan," said the
priest, as he walked up to O'Toole. "Do you
want to go to heaven?" "No, I don't Father,"
O'Toole replied. The priest looked him right
in the eye, and said, "You mean to tell me
that when you die you don't want to go to
heaven?" O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die,
yes, Father. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."
War Dodger
A US soldier came to a fork in the road and
saw a nun standing there.Out of breath he
asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your
skirts for a few minutes?. I'll explain WHY
later." The nun agreed. Just a moment later
two Military Police came running along and
asked,"Sister, have you seen a soldier
running by here?" The nun replied, "He went
that way." After the MP's disappeared, the
soldier crawled out from under her skirt and
said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but..
you see, I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun
said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me
rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair
of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked
a little higher, you would have seen a great
pair of balls . I don't want to go to Iraq either."
Warning
Wife: Im warning you, darating na mister ko

within one hour. (My husband is arriving

shortly.)
Visitor: Wala naman akong ginagawang
masama, ah! (I am not doing anything
wrong!)
Wife: Yun nga, kung may plano ka, bilisan
mo! (Thats why, hurry up, if you have any
intentions!)
Warning
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be
yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Wedding Secrets
A couple is about to be married. The groom
is walking down the aisle of the church to
take his place at the altar and the best
man notices that the groom has the biggest,
brightest smile on his face. The best man
says, "Hey man, I know you're happy to be
getting married, but what's up? You look so
excited." The groom replies, "I just had the
BEST blow job I have ever had in my entire
life!" The bride comes walking down the aisle
and she, too, has the biggest, brightest
smile.The maid of honor notices this and
says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you're happy to
be getting married, but what's up, you look
so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave
the LAST blow job of my entire life!"
Weeweechu. . .
One beautiful December evening Pedro and
his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of
the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play
Weeweechu." "Oh no, not now, lets look at
the moon" said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's
you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and
it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I
wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." "Please, corazoncito, just once, play
Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at
Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play
Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and
they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry

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Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a
Happy New Year." MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
Whack!
This man was sitting quietly reading his
paper one morning, peacefully enjoying
himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him
and whacks him on the back of his head with
a huge frying pan.
MAN: "What was that for?"
WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your
pants pocket with the name Barbara Ann
written on it?"
MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago
when I went to the horse races? Barbara Ann
was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and
goes off do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in
his chair reading and she repeats the frying
pan swatting.
MAN: "What the heck was that for this time?"
WIFE: "Your horse called."
Which Part?
Which part of man's body has no bone, full of
veins, loves pumping and responsible for
making love ?
Answer - the HEART, of course.
(But I dont like the way you think)
Who Does What
A man and his wife were having an argument
about who should brew the coffee each
morning. The wife said, "You should do it,
because you get up first, and then we won't
have to wait as long to get our coffee." The
husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because
that is your job, and I can just wait for my
coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it,
and besides, it is in the Bible that the man
should brew the coffee." Husband replies, "I
can't believe that, show me." So she fetched
the Bible, opened to the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages,

that indeed says....."HEBREWS"

Who is Jose Rizal
Guro: Sino si Jose Rizal?
Juan: Di ko po kilala.
Guro: Ikaw pepe?
Pepe: Di rin po.
Guro: Di nyo kilala si Jose Rizal?
Pedro: Ma'm, baka po s kabilang section
siya!
Whoopie
A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by
his eldest son Yitzak. "Father, I am going to
marry!" His father begins to dance with joy
and sing Hava Nagila..."Tell me, is she a
good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is
her name?" "O'Brien," replies the son...
"She's Catholic..." "Oy!" says the father....
"But are you happy?" "I'm very, very happy,"
says the son.. "OK...as long as you're happy
... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.
But the father is still counting on his
remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next
evening. "Father... I too will be married soon!
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and
sings God's praises... "What is her name?,"
implores the father. "Kazalopodopolous,"
says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox." "Oy,"
says Moisha. "But are you happy?" "I'm
happy, Father." "OK ... then you, too, have
my blessing," intones Moisha. Dejected,
Moisha goes to the Temple to pray. "Please
God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah,
marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish
children in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries
out. The very next week, Chutzpah comes
to his father excitedly and exclaims, "Father,
I am to wed in the spring!" "HER NAME?
WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father
immediately demands. "Goldberg!" says
Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy!
"Praise God! Praise the Prophets!" Turning
to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor
Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los

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Angeles?" "No," says Chutzpah. "Hmmm,"
says ! Moisha... "Must be Attorney
Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Beverly
Hills?" "Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...
"What is her first name, my youngest, truest,
most handsome son?" "Whoopi."
Wife vs. Husband
A couple drove down a country road for
several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument
and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of
mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the
wife replied, "in-laws."
Will
An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office
and told the receptionist she wanted to see
the lawyer about having a will
prepared. The receptionist suggested they
set up an appointment for a convenient time
for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand,
I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see
anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it
be possible for the lawyer to come to my
house?" The receptionist checked with the
attorney who agreed and he went
to the spinster's home for the meeting to
discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's
first question was, "Would you please tell me
what you have in assets and how you'd like
them to be distributed under your will?" She
replied, "Besides the furniture and
accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in
my savings account at the bank." "Tell me,"
the lawyer asked, "how would you like the
$40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster
said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a
reclusive life, people have hardly ever
noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I
pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my
funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for
$35,000 you will be able to have

a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will

leave a lasting impression on anyone who
may not have taken much note of you! But
tell me," he continued, "what would you like
to do with the remaining $5,000?" The
spinster replied, "As you know, I've never
married, I've lived alone almost my entire life,
and in fact I've never slept with a man.
Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to
arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is
a very unusual request," the lawyer said,
adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange
it and get back to you." That evening, the
lawyer was at home telling his wife about the
eccentric spinster and her weird request.
After thinking about how much she could do
around the house with $5,000 and with a bit
of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to
provide the service himself. She said, "I'll
drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in
the car until you're finished." The next
morning, she drove him to the spinster's
house and waited while he went into the
house. She waited for over an hour, but her
husband didn't come out. So she blew the
car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom
window opened, the lawyer stuck his
head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow,
she's going to let the County bury her!"
Window
A Filipino lady was taking the exam for US
naturalization and citizenship. She aced the
test. The examiner said, "Now, the last part
of the exam is a vocabulary test. Can you
spell the word 'Window?" The lady said,
"W-I-N-D-O-W."; "Ah, very good,", the
examiner said. "Now, use it in a sentence."
"WINDOW I get my citizenship papers?"
Wine at Convent
Mother Superior called all the nuns together
and said to them, "I must tell you all
something. We have a case of gonorrhea in
the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly
nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."

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Winos
A pair of winos Chad and Mike were a pair of
winos. They woke up with the shakes one
afternoon to find that they only had forty
cents between them. Chad began to climb
the walls, but Mike said calmly," Look old
man, give me the forty cents and I'll show
you how we can drink free all day." So they
went into a delicatessen, Chad bought a
frankfurter and placed it in Mike's fly. Next,
they went into a near by bar and ordered
drinks. When the bartender asked for his
money Chad dropped to his knees and
started sucking on the frankfurter. The
bartender screamed," You damn queers get
out of here." They repeated this scene in bar
after bar, until they had visited a dozen of
them. Finally Chad complained, "Listen Mike,
it is a great scheme but my knees are getting
sore from hitting the floor so much!" Mike
shook his head. "You should complain," said
Mike, "We lost the hotdog after the second
bar!"
Woman Bashing
1) How many men does it take to open a
beer? None. It should be opened by the time
she brings it.
2) Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to
pick up a woman? Because a woman who
can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
3) Why do women have smaller feet than
men? It's one of those "evolutionary things"
that allows them to stand closer to the
kitchen sink.
4) How do you know when a woman is about
to say something smart? When she starts
her sentence with "A man once told me..."
5) How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There's a clock on the oven.
6) If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do
you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut
up once you let him in.

7) What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.
8) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.
9) I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
10) What do you call a woman who has lost
95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
11) Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called Wedding Cake.
12) A man inserted an advertisement in the
classified: "Wife Wanted. The next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the
same thing: "You can have mine."
13) The most effective way to remember
your wife's birthday? Forget it once.
14) Women will never be equal to men until:
They can walk down the street with a bald
head and a beer gut, and still think they are
beautiful.
15) Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad
Cow Disease was already taken.
16) Which of the following doesn't belong:
wife, meat, eggs, blowjob? The blowjob. You
can beat your wife, your eggs or your meat
but you just can't beat a blowjob.
17) How do you tell that you have a high
sperm count? Your date has to chew before
she swallows.
18) How can you tell when a woman is
having an orgasm? Who cares.
19) The fastest way to discover all your bad
habits is to get married.
20) Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it
was nearly impossible.
21) Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to
match the stove and refrigerator.
Womans decision
A man had a terrible accident. His organ was
torn from his body. The doctor reassured him
that modern medicine made it possible for
his manhood to be rebuilt, but insurance

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didn't cover the expense. It was considered
cosmetic. He had three choices - small for
$2,000; medium for $4,000 or large for
$10,000. The man was sure he'd want a
medium or large. The doctor suggested that
he discuss it with his wife privately before a
final decision was made. The doctor left the
room and while he was gone the man called
his wife and told her their options. The doctor
returned and found the man looking very
sad. "Did you make a decision?" the doctor
asked. "Yes," said the man. "She'd rather
remodel the kitchen!"
Woman's Garden (Semi-adult)
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but
the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit
to the number of uses for green tomatoes
and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to
her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are
ripe, mine are green. What can I do about
it?" Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound
absurd but here's what to do. After dark go
out into your garden and take all your clothes
off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll
be embarrassed and blush. In the
morning they'll all be red, you'll see." Well,
what the hell? She does it. Next day her
neighbor asks how it worked. "So, so," she
answers. "The tomatoes are still green but
the cucumbers are all five inches longer."
Womens Words
FINE
This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and you need
to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have
just been given 5 more minutes to watch the
game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This
means "something," and you should be on
your toes. Arguments that begin with

'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by
men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you
are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting
her time standing here and arguing with you
over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous
statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to
think long and hard before deciding how and
when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not question it
or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Womens Word Meaning - More
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you
moron!
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're
dead
You have to learn to communicate = Just
agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I hate my
thighs
You're so .. manly = You need a shave and
you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for
something expensive
It's up to you = The correct decision should
be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all

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you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes
and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did
something today that you're really not going
to like.
Women
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after
folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I
noticed a remote control for a television
set in her purse. "So, do you always carry
your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied,
"but my husband refused to come shopping
with me and I figured this was the most evil
thing I could do to him legally."
Women
Now days, 80% of women are against
marriage,
WHY
?
coz......
1. Men are like . .... Laxatives . .....They
irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they
get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...... Weather . Nothing can
be done to change them.
4. Men are like . Blenders.... You need One,
but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet,
smooth, & they usually head right for your
hips.
6. Men are like .... Commercials ....... You
can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their
clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ..... . Government Bonds ....
They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... . Mascara . They usually
run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ... Popcorn ..... They satisfy
you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never
know when they're coming, how many inches
you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........... Lava Lamps .... Fun

to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots .......... All the
good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped .
Women Pilots
A woman is flying on a jumbo-jet to Europe.
After they get up inthe air the loudspeaker
comes on: "This is your captain Emilia
Rodrigues. We are cruising at 35,000
feet .. etc. etc." When the announcement is
finished a woman passenger beckons to a
stewardess and asks, "Is it really true that
this great big airplane is being flown by a
woman?"
"Yes, says the stewardess,
Captain Rodrigues is a woman." "How
wonderful! I am so excited! Do you think you
can arrange for me to go up to the cockpit to
congratulate her?" Yes, I think I can arrange
that. You might also like to know that
the co-pilot is also a woman." "Oh, how
exciting. This is wonderful news! Please let
me go to the cockpit so I can congratulate
them both!" ! "OK, you can do that. You
might like to know that actually the entire
crew of this plane are women." That is the
most exciting thing I have heard in a long
time, this has really made my day I just have
to go to the cockpit to express my
admiration!" "One more thing you might like
to know ... we don't call it the
"cockpit" any more.
Words
A husband read an article to his wife about
how many words women use a day... 30,000
to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The
reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men... The husband then
turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Wow Benefits Package
Reaching the end of a job interview, the
Human Resources person asked the young
MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting
salary were you looking for?" The candidate
said, "In the neighborhood of $100,000 a

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Joketor 1
year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR person said, "Well, what would you
say to a package of five-week vacation, 14
paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50
percent of salary, and a company car leased
every two years say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said,
"Wow!!! Are you kidding?" And the HR
person said, "Certainly,... but you started it."
Wrong Analysis
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw
a woman with a nose ring attached to an
earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't
the chain rip out every time she turned her
head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned.
Wrong Patient
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for
patients being discharged. However, while
working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman - already dressed and
sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet-who insisted he didn't need my help to leave
the hospital. After a chat about rules being
rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the
elevator. On the way down I asked him if his
wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he
said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her patient hospital gown."
Wrong Pill
"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't
interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a
pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I
can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends
for years. Have you ever seen me this
upset? I'm desperate! I can't think; I can't
concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell!
You've got to help me." The doctor opens
his desk drawer and removes a small bottle
of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These
are experimental; the tests so far indicate
that they're VERY powerful. Don't give

her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE."

"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..."
"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um...
okay." He heads for home where his wife has
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she
goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. He pulls
the pills from his pocket and drops one into
his wife's coffee. He thinks for a moment,
hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And
then he begins to worry. The doctor did say
they were powerful. Then an inspiration
strikes... he drops one pill into his own
coffee. His wife returns and they enjoy their
dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few
minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a
little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange
look enters her eyes. In a near-whisper and
in a tone of voice he has never heard her use
before, she looks at him and says, "I need a
man... Right now!!" His eyes glitter, and his
hands tremble as he replies, "Me too..
X-Ray Glasses
A Blonde guy goes to the local novelty shop
and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks
them out, but isn't fully convinced they
are worth $50. The salesman assures him
that they work and that $50 is a great price.
The blonde decides to buy them. On his way
home, he puts on his new x-ray glasses and,
bingo, he sees everyone in the street naked!
He takes them off for a moment, and
everyone has their clothes on. Puts the
glasses back on...everyone is naked! 'Cool!'
As he arrives back home, he is eager to
show his new toy to his wife but can't find
her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his
wife and some guy, naked in bed. He takes
his glasses off, and the two are still naked.
He puts them back on, and they are still
naked. He throws down the glasses in
disgust and says, 'Damn, I just paid fiftybucks for these, and they're already broken!'
Yabang
Usapan ng dalawang mayabang...

Tatay Jobo Elizes

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Joketor 1
Tomas: Ang galing ng aso ko! Tuwing
umaga, dala niya ang dyaryo sa akin.
Diego: Alam ko.
Tomas: Ha? Paano mo nalaman?
Diego: Ikinukuwento sa akin ng aso ko.
END
-----------------------------------

Publishers List
job_elizes@yahoo.com or
tatay@usa.com
#Writings 1 Book, 2009
I. Catch That Story - Tatay Jobo Elizes, publisher
II. Obit - Bambi Harper, Famous columnist
III. Speech, UP, 2003 - Butch Jimenez, PLDT
Executive
IV. Speech, Silliman U, 2006 - Butch Jimenez,
PLDT Executive
V. The Mission Moment - Dr. Phil Stack,
Psyhologist
VI. Writing Underground - Mila D. Aguilar, Poet &
Writer
VII. Academic Freedom - Mila Aguilar, Poet &
Writer
VIII. Subanon Spirits of Rice & Land - Noel
Cornel Alegre, Acad.
IX. I Look Out The Window - Atty. Toto Causing,
Lawyer, Journalist
X. Ride On A Bus, Poem - Anonymous via
Melanie Ferrer, New Poet
XI. Why Am I Doing This - Susie Barbieri, Social
Activist
XII. How To Court A Philipine Lady - Rodel
Ramos & Jose Torres,
XIII. Inspiring Young Filipino EntrepreneurLloyd Luna, Motivator
XIV. The Success Story of Ian Del Carmen Lloyd Luna, Motivator
XV. Story of Bacna Surgical Mission - Sylvia
Salvador, Civics
XVI. 1987 Philippine Constitution - Full Text
(Special Feature)
XVII. Why Publish Writings - Tatay Jobo Elizes,
Publisher

Writings 2 Book, 2009

I. Why Cant We Act Up Together - Susie
Barbieri, Social Activist
II. I Know Where They Are All Going - Cesar
Lumba, Writer & Poet
III. There Is Hope For The Philippines - Grace
Padaca, Isabela Gov.
IV. Pointers On Employment Abroad - Melanie
Aquino, Dentist
V. Without KNCHS: (Love story) - Atty. Toto
Causing, Jury Proponent
VI. 422 Years Ago - Rodel Rodis, Writer &
Political activist
VII. Filipino American History Month - Rodel
Rodis, Writer
VIII. Love is the Next Truth, poem - Daniel
Rodis, son of Rodel
IX. A Need For Reflection - Gloom - Cesar
Torres, Pol/academics
X. Our Purpose Driven Life - Joey Concepcion,
RFM Pres. & GoNego
XI. Did Ninoy Die For Nothing - Joey
Concepcion, RFM & GoNego
XII. Why The Filipino Voted - Pablito Lim,
Zambales Businessman
XIII. Life And Love, Poem - Nannette Yatco,
Dentist, Fine Artist, Poet
XIV. Criteria - American Institute of
Philanthropy - Guidelines
XV. Strangers In Our Own Country - Casiano
Mayor Jr., Author
XVI. Coming Revolution In The Ballot - Cesar
Lumba, Author
XVII. 2009 - A Retrospective - Cesar Lumba,
Author & Writer
XVIII. All Over The World - Vicente Rivera Jr.,
Short Story Writer
XIX. Harvest - Loreto Paras Sulit, Short Story
Writer
XX. Things Your Burglar Wont Tell - Jude
Tagaciudad, Writer
XXI. The Gypsy Soul - Casiano Mayor Jr., Author
& Writer
XXII. An End To Cheating - Sonny Coloma,
Academician & Writer
XXIII. Toward Culture of Giving - Sonny Coloma,
Academician

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Joketor 1

Writings 3 Book, 2010

I. EPIC25- Emerging Phil Investors CoalitionNorman Madrid, Eco.
II. Management Ability As An Issue - Dr. Rene
B. Azurin, Academics
III. Do We Really Our Politicos More Power - Dr.
Rene B. Azurin
IV. Will 2010 Fulfill High Hopes For Better Life Ernie D. Delfin,
V. Comelec Is The Root Of All Evils - Toto
Causing, Journalist
VI. Advantages of Fed/Parlia. - Dr. Jose Abueva,
Ex-UP President
VII. Sometimes A Great Nation - Mar-Vic
Cagurangan, Journalist
VIII. Great Conspiracy - Mar-Vic Cagurangan,
Journalist
IX. Of Speech & Lifes Riddles - Casiano Mayor,
Author, journalist
X. Bad Start To The Year - Rod Garcia, Lawyer,
composer, guitarist,
XI. A Dinner Out - Rod Garcia, Lawyer, composr,
guitarist, poet
XII. One More Time - Roy Gaane, Writer
XIII. Musings - Ceres Busa, Writer
XIV. Value Formation For Good Citizenship Roger Reyes, etc
Ramon Gonzales + CDVictory + Mila Marzon,
writers
XV. On Being Filipino American - John Reyes,
Writer
XVI. The Monterey Peninsula - John Reyes,
Writer
XVII. The Salaza Fiesta - John Reyes, Writer
XVIII. Salawikain: Filipino Proverbs - John
Reyes, Writer
XIX. Musikero (The Musician) - John Reyes,
writer
XX. Strange Noises - Tatay Jobo Elizes,
Publisher

Writings 4 Book, 2010

I. The State of Our Nation: Building The Good
Society We Want
Dr. Jose V. Abueva,
University President
II. Assessing Expanded Role of AFP - Col.
Dennis Acop, Ret.
III. Assessing RPs Security Strategies - Col.
Dennis Acop, Ret.

IV. The Way We Were - Fred Natividad,

Accountant & Writer
V. Veterans of Ipo Dam, A Fiction - Fred
Natividad, Accountant
VI. A Plea - Miguel Reyes Reynaldo, Historian
VII. Intl Youth Bowling Impressions Marjor
Elizes Reyes, Teen
VIII. Mi Ultimo Adios (My Last Farewell) - Dr.
Jose P. Rizal
IX. Aling Pagibig Sa Tinubuang Bayan - Gat.
Andres Boniface
X. Rekonsilasyun Dula (Reunion in Heaven) - A
Play By Irineo P. Goce (Kapule2 or Leonidas P.
Agbayani), Writer and Playwright
XI. Forgery of Rizal Retraction - Irineo P. Goce
(Kapule2)
XII. Maikling Kasaysayan Ng Malas Na Bayan Ireneo P. Goce

Writings 5 Book - Best Hopes 2010

(About PNoy)
I. The Challenge of 100 Days: Believing that Tony Meloto
II. The 2006 R. Magsaysay Award for Com.
Serv. - for Tony Meloto
III. Open Letter to Noynoy - F. Sionil Jose,
famous writer/author
IV. A History of Pain - Juan L. Mercado,
Journalist
V. An Open Letter to Noynoy - From OFWS
VI. Pursuit of Good Governance Advocacies Marcelo Tecson, Fin.
VII. A Fervent Prayer for Peace - Cesar Torres,
Academics
VIII. A History of Betrayal - Perry Diaz, Columnist
IX. Coronas Thorny Crown - Perry Diaz.
Columnist
X. Dawn of a New Era - Perry Diaz, Columnist
XI. Of Mice, Boys and Men - Philip S. Chua, MD
XII. A Hopeful Tomorrow - A Balikbayan Insight
- Philip S. Chua,
XIII. Global Filipinos: A Sleeping Giant - Philip
S. Chua, MD
XIV. Heart to Heart - Winds of Change - Philip S.
Chua, MD
XV. Growing Old is a Privilege - Philip S. Chua,
MD
XVI. Our Cruelty to Mother Earth - Philip S.
Chua, MD

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Joketor 1
XVII. Advice/Grads: Never Choose Heroes
Lightly - Ernie Delfin
XVIII. Gawad Kalinga, A Progressive Movement
- Ernie Delfin,
XIX. Why a Man Must Save and Invest - Ernie
Delfin, writer
XX. Beautiful San Francisco, Pinoy Heaven Ted Laguatan, lawyer
XXI. The President and PAMUSA - Frank
Wenceslao, Pamusa Pres.
XXII. Philippne Budget Deficit - Frank Weneslao,
Pamusa President
XXIII. Money Laundering: US Tools vs. Corrupt.
- Frank Wenceslao
XXIV. Amid Fighting, Clan Rules Maguindanao
- Jaileen F. Jimeno
XXV. Why I Publish Writings - Tatay Jobo Elizes,
POD Publisher

Writings 6 Book, 2010

I. SONA - State Of Nation Address - English Pres. B. Aquino III
II. SONA - State of Nation Address - Pilipino Pres. B. Aquino III
III. First 100 Days Speech - Pilipino - Pres.
Benigno Aquino III
IV. Finally, Another R. M. In The Making - Bert
Guiang, USN, Ret.
V. A Covenant With Our President - Tony
Meloto, GK Founder
VI. From A Grateful Heart - A Thank You Letter
- Tony Meloto, GK
VII. The Scent of Hope For The Global Filipino Tony Meloto, GK
VIII. Fleshing Out The Broad Strokes - Felicito
(Tong) C. Payumo,
IX. In Search Of Leaders (Part1) - Felicito (Tong)
C. Payumo, Ex-Cong
X. In Search of Leaders (Part 2) - Felicito (Tong)
C. Payumo
XI. A Conspiracy of Dunces - Cesar Lumba,
Writer, Blogger
XII. Only Science Can Solve Poverty - Flor
Lacanilao, academics
XIII. Education Reform Amid Scarcity - Flor
Lacanilao
XIV. Highblood: Obituaries/Reasons - Flor
Lacanilao
XV. How Money Works - Edmund Lao, Writer

XVI. State of Economy & Society, 2002 - Juan

Dela Cruz -Txtmania
XVII. Global Filipinos - Juan Dela Cruz Txtmania.com
XVIII. Understanding Poverty - Juan Dla Cruz Txtmania.com
XIX. Kuyakuy - Dr. Ramon Marquez, Practicing
Doctor
XX. Cambodian Octopus - Joey Jamito, Writer
XXI. Inspite Of Herself, I Still Love The
Philippines - Joey Jamito
XXII. Love Has Wings - Percy Campoamor Cruz Story Teller, writer
XXIII. Walk For Kris - Rod Garcia - Lawyer, writer,
music, guitarist
XXIV. Coldblooded, But Alive - Rod Garcia
XXV. It Takes A Village - Rod Garcia
XXVI. Beauty Contest - Rod Garcia
XXVII. 8 Pts. In Enlightening The Elites - Orion
P. Dumdum, writer
XXVIII. Case vs Cellphone Revolution- Sarah
Raymundo, writer

Writings 8 Book, 2010

I. The Church and the State: Common Ground Gel Santos Relos
II.Pres,Aquino: "Walang Kaibigan, Walang" Gel Santos Relos
III. What Makes Us Pinoy - Gel Santos Relos,
TV Host, Writer
IV. Minsan may Isang Puta (2007) - Mike Portes,
Writer, IT expert
V. Build Our Dream - Jose Ma. Montelibano,
Columnist
VI. Hope In Europe - Tony Meloto, Gawad
Kalinga Founder, Writer
VII. Wealth in Canada - Tony Meloto
VIII. Parenthood: A Sacred Covenant, Philip S.
Chua, MD, FACS
IX. Are We, Humans, Really Civilize? Philip S.
Chua,
X. Save Our Nation - Philip S. Chua, MD, FACS,
FPCS
XI. A Time To Pause - Philip S. Chua, MD, FACS,
FPCS
XII. The Gawad Kalinga Virus - Philip S. Chua,
MD, FACS, FPCS
XIII. A Marching Order For P-Noy - Philip S.
Chua, Chair, FUN

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Joketor 1
XIV. Bayan Ko Bonds - Philip S. Chua,
Chairman, FUN - USA
XV. P-Noys First 99 Days - Philip S. Chua
XVI. The Practice of Quackery in the Phils. Cesar D. Candari, MD
XVII.Remember When? A Brief History - Cesar
Candari
XVIII. The Phils. Before and What Now? - Cesar
D. Candari, MD
XIX.The Traffic Problems Beyond WangWang-Cesar D. Candari
XX. Behind The Gold - Eliseo Serina, MD
XXI. May Angal? (Any Complaint?) - Greg B.
Macabenta
XXII.
Pagbalik-Tanaw
Sa
Kapatirang
Masoneriya - Irineo P. Goce
XXIII. Mysteries & Riddles Behind RPs Power Irineo P. Goce
XXIV. Wika - Diwa Ng Lahi, O - Ang Tore ni
Babel - Irineo P. Goce
XXV. Can There Be Peace? Is There Hope? Irineo P. Coce
XXVI. Drama Queen - Percival Campoamor Cruz,
Writer
XXVII. Ang Tulay na Kahoy - Percival
Campoamor Cruz, Writer
XXVIII. Sa Alaala ni Maria Lorena Barros Percival Campoamor Cruz
XXIX. Text Game or Text Gambling? - Juan dela
Cruz
XXX. Of Husbands and Wives - Juan dela Cruz
XXXI. It Must Be Love - Juan dela Cruz
XXXII. Elite Triad Blocking Reform Demosthenes B. Donato

Writings 9 Book, April 2011

I. Solidarity in Literature Without Borders Simeon Dumdum Jr
II. Macario Sakay Vindicated and Others Gemma Cruz Araneta
III. The Dilemma of the Last Filipino - Larry
Henares
IV. Ping Joaquin, Fil. Jazz Pianist, Loving
Father - Tony Joaquin
V. Bert Del Rosario - Inventor of the Sing-Along
- Tony Joaquin
VI. Xmas Article 2009 - Allen Gaborro
VII. Beaches (short story) - Allen Gaborro
VIII. Democracy Versus Discipline - Allen

Gaborro
IX. Amend the Const. Make Jury Trial - Toto C.
Causing
X. Dakdak Beach Resort in Dapitan City - Toto
C. Causing
XI. So Im Dark-skinned, Leave Me Alone - MarVic Cagurangan
XII. Dig My Sexy Flip Accent, Arizona - Mar-Vic
Cagurangan
XIII. A Fan Mail From Prison - Mar-Vic
Cagurangan
XIV. Three Poems: a. Please Dont Let Her
Know, b. I Have Memories of My own c. God
Has Made Someone Only For me - Emily
Espanol Derry
XV. Three Love Poem: a. Some Good Things
Never Last b. The Dance c. As I Trod Upon
Your Ground - Elyn Jean Felarca
XVI. My Advocacy - by Naysan A. Albaytar
XVII. Feminism: The Great Paradox - Laura
Wade
XVIII. A Blast From the Past - Peter Allan
Mariano
XIX. Bus. Perspective: Building Your Future Peter Allan Mariano
XX. An Overview of Health Connections - Peter
Allan Mariano
XXI. My Workspace At Home - Marge TrajecoAbersturi
XXII. Investing on a Home Business - Marge
Trajeco-Abersturi
XXIII. A Brighter Day for Little Jane - Julia
Carreon-Lagoc
XXIV. A Consummation Devoutly to Be Wished
- Julia C. Lagoc
XXV. No Birds and Beetles and Trees - by Julia
Carreon-Lagoc
XXVI. Ang Wika - Ang Tore Ni Babel Sa
Pilipinas - Irineo Goce
XXVII. Scattered Thoughts - Anonymous

Solo Authored Books:

Book A - Turning Points - Empty Dreams - Job
Elizes Sr,1968, Rev. Ed. 2010
Book B - Be Considerate - Behaviour Issues Tatay Jobo Elizes (Jr)
Book C - Piglets Unlimited - Wealth Untapped Tatay Jobo Elizes, 2010
Book D - Out of the Misty Sea We Must - Cesar

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Joketor 1
Lumba. 2010
Book E - Success Is A Journey - Cesar D.
Candari, MD, 2010
Book F - Fulfilled - Gonzales Reynaldo, Editor,
2010
Book G - Reflections - Bert Guiang, 2010
Book H - Writings 7 - My Vintage Pics - Tatay
Jobo Elizes, 2010
Book I - May Bagwis Ang Pag-ibig - Percival C.
Cruz, 2010
Book J - The Gaborro Reader - Allen Gaborro,
2010
Book K - Letters To Matrimony - Irineo Perez
Coce, Ka Pule2, 2011
Book L - Songs I Wish You Knew - Poems of
Soledad R. Juan, 2011
Book M - Make My Day - Hilarion (Larry) Henares
Jr., 2011 re-issue
Book N - Our Guerrero Family - Tatay Jobo
Guerrero Elizes, 2011
Book O - Forever In Love - Emily Derry, 2011

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