Macbeth

A spoof by
Nandita Shamlal

Based on
'Macbeth'
by
William Shakespeare
SCENE 1

A dark alley, and three transgenders

are swaying.

COOKIE
When shall the three of us meet again? In thunder, lightening
or rain?

CANDY
When the uproar is over, when the battle has been lost &
won...

COCO
(cutting in)
We just met yesterday skanks! What are you two on?

COOKIE
Why must you always ruin the mood coco. I had a fully fledged
monologue prepared... And you just pissed all over it didn't
you?

CANDY
Tranys tranys lets not get our undies in a twist. We need to
meet Mcdreamy don't we?

COOKIE
Yes! Lets us make haste for here our time is going to waste.

COCO
We're going you old-hag! For I am fully aware of your
intentions as you very intensely fancy the bloke do you not?

COOKIE
What's not to like? He's part Vampire. Do you have any idea
how difficult it is to find a man our age? I'm not exactly in
my prime if you know what I mean. He's 109 and I'm 101. It's
a match made in heaven.

COCO
More like a match made in hell. Well I suppose you have made
up your mind. But I have dibs on his best friend Banquo.

CANDY
Nooooooooooo! He's mine!

COCO
Does calling not mean anything anymore?

CANDY
Alright alright, they're both going to be hacked off anyway,
I thought that's what all this prophesy nonsense is about
isn't it?
 2.

All giggle.

WITCHES (TOGETHER)
Beautiful is disgustingly filthy and disgustingly filthy is
beautiful.
Let us float through the fog and filthy air.

All cough and wheeze in the smoke.

Music: ‘Sweet Dreams’ by Marilyn

Manson.

SCENE 2

MACBETH and BANQUO are strolling in the

park and come across the three witches.

MACBETH picks up a broken TREE BRANCH

and snaps it in half.

MACBETH
Arrrrrrrrrrgh! Hayeeeeeeeee Ya!

BANQUO
How do you do that? You're so fast and so strong! I'm so
jealous!

MACBETH
It’s an adrenaline rush. Google it.

BANQUO
And you're so young too! You're so lucky ! You get to stay in
your teens forever!!! (sighs)

MACBETH
How would you like to stay in puberty forever? Lucky?

COCO
A drum a drum! Macbeth has come.

WITCHES (TOGETHER)
The three witches, hand in hand,
Messengers of the events on the sea and land,
In this way are scheming, scheming.
Three times to you, and three times to me,
And three times again, to make up nine.
Quiet! The charm's going to bring things to a head.

MACBETH
Wait..What?
 3.

BANQUO
How far is it to the town? What are these things
With shrunken skin and wild clothes,
That don't look not like they live on earth,
Only are still on it? Are you alive? Or are you anything
that man may question? You seem to understand me,
Since you each are laying a scrawny finger
Upon your skinny lips. You should be women,
Only since you have beards, I can't say
That you are women.

CANDY slaps BANQUO on the face.

CANDY
So what if I have a beard? Never seen your mother's face
before waxing her chin, have you? In appearance I may appear
masculine but I assure you I am as female as your younger
brother will be one day.

COCO
Let's get back to the point shall we?

MACBETH
Speak now, what are you?

COOKIE
All hail! Baron of Glamis!

CANDY
All hail Macbeth! The Thane of Cawdor!

COCO
All hail, Macbeth! That shall be king hereafter!

MACBETH
Me, King? You're yanking my chain aren't you? Who is behind
this foolish prank? Is it Jacob? I told him I didn't mean to
slap his mother...But this is taking it too far.

CANDY
No king of Scotland. It has been foreseen.
Your future awaits you all bright and clean.
Your destiny is waiting your return,
For all around you will eventually burn.

BANQUO
Burn? Burn what?

MACBETH
Your pee!! (chuckles at his own joke)

COOKIE
You will be less than Macbeth and much greater.
 4.

CANDY
Not as gay as Macbeth, only still much gayer. (winks)

COCO
Your sons will be kings, even though you will not be king.
So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!

Music: Something Wicked this way comes.

ROSS the messenger enters.

ROSS
Macbeth, the king has happily received
The news of your success. And when he heard about
Your personal venture into the rebels' fight,
His wonders and his praises don't fight over
What should be yours or his. Silenced with that story,
And reviewing all the events of the day,
He found you in the stout Norwegian's ranks,
Not afraid of what you did or the
Strange images of death.
The reports came in as thick as hail and every one of them
sang
Your praises in your great defense of the kingdom,
And poured such praises down before the King.

MACBETH
(confused)
Eh? Dumb it down for me, Ross, please.

ROSS
Errr..King Duncan wants to meet you, he's heard that you've
done a cracking job mate! He’s made you the Baron of Cawdor.
High five!

Macbeth and Ross smack each other’s

palms.

MACBETH
Who's the man? Who's the man?

ROSS
You the man!!!

SCENE 3

LADY MACBETH sitting on the SOFA and is

drying her wet nail paint and enters
Macbeth.

MACBETH
Greetings Lady Macbeth!
 5.

LADY MACBETH
How was your trip?

MACBETH
Quite fruitful, my dear. I come baring the best news, I am
now the Baron of Cawdor.

LADY MACBETH
Big deal! Come to me when you are king.

MACBETH
But dear, King Duncan is visiting us tonight.

LADY MACBETH
And when does he leave?

MACBETH
Tomorrow, as he intends.

LADY MACBETH
O, the sun shall never
See that tomorrow!
Your face, my baron, is like a book where men
May read strange matters. To divert attention from the time
Look like the time; have welcome in your eyes,
Your hands, your tongue. Look like the innocent flower,
Only be the serpent underneath it. The king
Must be provided for. And you shall put
This night's great business into my care,
Which shall give kingly power and mastery alone
To all our nights and days to come.

MACBETH
Save some of the theatrics for this evening, he digs this
kind of stuff.

LADY MACBETH
Only look up clear;
To disturb favor is to fear favor.
Leave all the rest to me.

Macbeth is seen walking into his

chamber while Lady Macbeth is talking.

Enters DUNCAN.

DUNCAN
This castle is a pleasant place to live. The air
Smells light and sweet
To our gentle senses.

Duncan joins Lady Macbeth at the dining

table.
 6.

Banquo is seen outside the castle.

BANQUO
The temple-haunting martlet, this bird of summer,
Approves this place by his loved dwelling places,
That heaven's breath smells wooingly here.
There isn't an embankment, painted decoration, support,
Or quarters for rich guests where this bird hasn't made
His loose hanging bed and cradle for its young.
I have observed that the air is delicate
In areas where they frequently breed and visit.

Banquo enters the castle, and joins the

others at the dinner table.

Begin eating dinner.

Macbeth is still hiding in his chamber.

DUNCAN
See, see, our honored hostess!
The love that follows us sometimes is our trouble,
Which are still grateful for as love. Herein I will teach you
How you shall bid God to reward us for your pains,
And thank us for your trouble.

LADY MACBETH
All our service,
If done twice in every point, and then done double,
Would be poor and single business to compete
With those honors deep and broad that
Your majesty heaps upon our house. For those of old,
And the recent titles heaped on them,
We remain your hermits.
Errr...
But I must ask you this majesty...You are king and yet so
dashing! Forgive my bluntness but...Where did you get such a
glowing complexion and no wrinkles even though you do not use
Botox...you mesmerize me, your majesty! What pray is your
secret?

DUNCAN
Ahh! My dear, since you are the hostess, and a fine maiden I
might add, I shall not deny you this request. Well my lady I
use viagra to great effect!

Lady Macbeth, who had been drinking

wine, sprays it out at hearing this.
 7.

LADY MACBETH
(stuttering)
Y...yes...yo...your...m...m...majesty.

DUNCAN
(proudly)
Yes, viagra! A quick and easy solution! Gives me all the
drive I need as well as keeping my skin baby soft and that
glow which has so captivated you!

LADY MACBETH
I...I...ingenious.

DUNCAN
Well now...Where's the Baron of Cawdor?
We followed him close to his heels and wanted
to be his provider of necessary things. Only he rides well,
And his great love of us, as sharp as his spur, has helped
him
To get to his home before us. Beautiful and noble hostess,
We are your guests tonight.

LADY MACBETH
Your servants always
Have their necessities, themselves, and what they own, in
elegance,
To make their reckoning of accounts at your highness'
pleasure,
Still to return your own goods.

SCENE 4

Lady Macbeth enters Macbeth’s chamber,

to find him sitting in the dark.

LADY MACBETH
Why are you sitting here alone in the dark my lord?

MACBETH
Hmm...just been thinking...about stuff...

LADY MACBETH
Don't tell me you’re getting cold feet!

MACBETH
Maybe I am.

LADY MACBETH
Well you better suck it up then. Cause I didn't just spend
the last 30 minutes kissing Duncan's butt for nothing.
 8.

MACBETH
Oh of course! I'll just go skip off to his chamber and kill
him! Why not? What would be your weapon of preference, my
dear? A gun? A knife? Poison? Or should I just show him the
pictures of his son Malcolm snogging Banquo and shock him to
death?

LADY MACBETH
Oh calm down. Stop being so melodramatic! It's not like this
is a sequence from a Bollywood movie.

MACBETH
Well I just can't get myself to kill the bugger so I suppose
you'll have to do it yourself.

LADY MACBETH
Why should I do it? It's not like I'm going to become King.
You do it!

MACBETH
NO! I will not! And you can't make me! You were the one who
made me go with you to couples therapy...So now you listen to
the damned advice.

LADY MACBETH
Balderdash! Well...Isn't there any mature way of deciding who
is going to kill him?

MACBETH
(thinking)
Well there is one way...

LADY MACBETH
Yes! What is it?

Both stare blankly at each other.

Suddenly, start playing Rock, Paper,

Scissor.

Macbeth wins.

LADY MACBETH
Damn it!

MACBETH
Wooooooohoooo!

Lady Macbeth gives him a dirty look and

walks out of the room.
 9.

SCENE 5

Lady Macbeth enters Duncan’s room,

where he is asleep.

LADY MACBETH
(aside)
The wine that has made them drunk has made me bold.
What has quenched their thirst has given me fire.
Listen! Peace!
It was the owl that shrieked, the fatal bellman,
That gives even the worst dispositions a good night. He's
doing it.
The doors are open; and the grooms, filled to excess,
Defy their duty with snores. I have drugged their hot milk
and wine
So that death and sleep argue about them, to decide
whether they live or die.

Duncan is heard snoring loudly.

Lady Macbeth approaches his bed with a

knife in hand.
DUNCAN
(sleep singing)
Shawty had them apple bottom jeans
Boots with the fur
The whole club was looking at her
She hit the floor, she hit the floor,
Next thing you know...

Lady Macbeth stands bewildered.

Duncan mumbles and starts snoring

again.

Lady Macbeth comes closer to his bed.

DUNCAN
(sleep singing)
Shawty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low.

Lady Macbeth drops her knife in shock

and runs to Macbeth’s chamber.

MACBETH
Woah! That was fast!

LADY MACBETH
(panting loudly)
No! I couldn't do it! I couldn't do it.
 10.

MACBETH
WHAT? You didn't do it? Why not? Is it that time of the month
again?

LADY MACBETH
I...I...I...Just couldn't! H...H...He reminds me too much of
my ex-boyfriend. I couldn't get myself to kill him!

MACBETH
Your ex? I thought he cheated on you? In that case you should
have stabbed him 50 times!

LADY MACBETH
No! I’m talking about the one I cheated on. So I Couldn't!
You do it!

MACBETH
Ugggh! I knew it wouldn't be this easy! Never send a woman in
to do a man's job!

Macbeth walks out of his chamber, and

into Duncan’s.

Duncan is still snoring. Macbeth walks

over to his bed.

Macbeth holds Duncan’s nose and puts a

pillow over his head, suffocating him.
After some struggle, Duncan dies.

Macbeth walks to the front of the

stage.

MACBETH
(aside)
We have crushed the snake, but we haven't killed it;
She'll recover, and be herself, while our poor evil-doing
Remains in danger of her poisonous bite.
Only let the order of the universe be disrupted,
Both the real and spiritual worlds suffer,
Before we will eat our meal in fear, and sleep
In the affliction of these terrible dreams
That wake us up nightly. It's better to be with the dead,
Whom we have sent to their peace to gain our peace,
Than to lie on a bed, torturing of the mind
In a restless frenzy. Duncan is in his grave.
After the disease of his life is over, he sleeps well;
Treason has done his worst. Not steel, or poison,
Malice in his country, attacks from foreigners, nothing,
Can touch him further.
 11.

SCENE 6

Macbeth walks into his chamber.

MACBETH
O, my mind is full of scorpions, dear wife!
You know that Banquo and his son, Fleance, live.

LADY MACBETH
What's to be done?

MACBETH
I don't want you to know, dearest sweetheart,
Until you can applaud the deed. Come, night that closes the
eyes,
Cover the tender eye of pitiful day;
And, with your bloody and invisible hand,
Cancel and tear to pieces that great deed
Which keeps me pale! Light thickens, and the crow
Flies to his roost to the wood.
Good things of day begin to droop and drowse,
While night's black agents awake to seek their prey.
You marvel at my words. Only stop for a minute.
Things that are bad make strong themselves by ill.
So, I beg you, go with me.

NARRATOR
Macbeth kills everyone who comes in his way, who could be
possible threats to him for the future as well as those who
grow suspicious of his doings. This Macbeth goes on a murder
rampage..

Scene shifts to Banquo’s house.

Banquo is sitting on a chair, reading

Twilight. LADY BANQUO walks in.

LADY BANQUO
How many times are you going to read that book!

BANQUO
As many times as I like! Now budge off!

LADY BANQUO
You pay attention to the book more than you do to me!

BANQUO
Well of course I will...the book doesn't snap at me and keep
asking me for money!

LADY BANQUO
Well I wouldn't have to keep begging you for money if you
gave it to me willingly would I?
 12.

BANQUO
Blab bla! Now can you please get lost! I’m on a very
interesting part...Bella just found out Edward has been
watching her sleep at night.

LADY BANQUO
Eww...What a stalker...uggh! Go ahead...Why do I even bother?

Lady Banquo leaves the room in a huff.

Banquo picks up the book again.

Pricks himself on it.

BANQUO
Ao.. Paper cut!

Just then, the phone starts ringing.

Banquo picks it up.

BANQUO
Hello? Banquo residence.

CALLER
Hi! Who’s this?

BANQUO
Well it's the man of the house speaking.

CALLER
Are you sure? 100% male?

BANQUO
(worried)
Who is this?

CALLER
Tell me Banquo...what is your favorite scary movie?

BANQUO
(curling the phone wire on his
finger)
Hmmmm...I think it would be The Grudge!

CALLER
Good choice! Don't you want to know mine?

BANQUO
Sure! What is it?

CALLER
(menacingly)
Scream. One. Two. And three.
 13.

BANQUO
Is it? I haven’t seen it!

CALLER
Well you should really...it's got excellent reviews! Should I
show you the trailer?

BANQUO
Ummm...Ok...I don't see how you could but go on...

CALLER
Do you want to die tonight, Banquo?

BANQUO
(sarcastically)
Tonight? No tonight won't work out...I have to see the season
finale of The Bold and The Beautiful. I have to know whether
Brooke is finally dead or not! How about tomorrow night?

CALLER
Tomorrow night won't do! I have to take my daughter to a
ballet recital so no can do.

BANQUO
Oh blimey! We are in quite a pickle now!

Suddenly, a man in a white mask like

the one in Scream enters and starts
chasing Banquo.

Banquo is shrieking and screaming for

mercy.

Banquo disarms the CALLER and his knife

drops to the floor.

The Caller and Banquo start a cat

fight. Banquo bites the Caller and he
yelps.

The Caller picks up a fork and stabs

Banquo with it. Banquo screams in agony
and dies.

SCENE 7

The three witches meet again.

COOKIE
The cat with the streaked fur has meowed three times.
Meaoow, Meaooow, Meaooooooow.
 14.

CANDY
Three times, and the cow mooed once.
Mooooooooooooooooooooooo.

COCO
The god Harpier cries. It is time, it is time.
Waaaaaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

COOKIE
Round about the caldron go;
In the poisoned entrails throw.
Toad, that has spent
Thirty one days and nights under cold stone,
From whose sweat a sleeping venom was gotten,
Boil you first in the charmed pot!

WITCHES (TOGETHER)
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble. (x2)
Something wicked this way comes.

CANDY
Fillet of a snake that lived in a bog,
In the caldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
A black snake's forked tongue, and its cousin's sting,
Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth, boil and bubble.

WITCHES (TOGETHER)
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble.

COCO
Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witch's mummy, a gulf-like stomach,
Of the rough sea salt glisten,
Root of poison hemlock dug up in the dark,
Liver of Christians not baptized,
Gall bladder of goat, and slips of pine trees
Cut off the tree when the moon eclipsed,
Nose of Turk, and Tartar's lips,
Finger of a baby born dead
Delivered in a ditch by a prostitute,
Make the gruel thick and gooey.
Also add a tiger's guts,
For the ingredients of our caldron.

WITCHES (TOGETHER)
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire, burn; and caldron, bubble.
 15.

COCO
By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
Open, locks, to whoever knocks!

WITCHES (TOGETHER)
Something wicked this way comes.

SCENE 8

Macbeth and Lady Macbeth are having a

ball in their honor inviting all from
the courts.

Everyone is meeting and bowing to each

other.

Everyone begins dancing.

Music: Secret by The Pierces.

“Got a secret can you keep it?

Taking this one to the grave.

Well two can keep a secret if one of

them is dead.” (Duration-3:48)

While dancing Macbeth sees the ghost of

those he murdered. He runs around in
panic but they continue to be hovering
around. Song finishes.

Macbeth clutches his head, screams and

runs out of the room, and into his
chamber.

Everybody in the ball is standing

stunned.

He is hyperventilating in his chamber.

Lady Macbeth enters the room.

LADY MACBETH
What is the matter with you now?

MACBETH
I saw people...

LADY MACBETH
Yes we all did didn't we? The room is full of people, you
fool!
 16.

MACBETH
(whispering)
I see dead people.

LADY MACBETH
Eh? You've been binging on hash brownies...I knew it!

MACBETH
N-no...I saw Duncan and Banquo and everyone.

LADY MACBETH
You've lost your marbles. I’m getting a doctor.

Lady Macbeth exits, shooing all the

party people out with her.

Enters with DOCTOR.

Doctor does a full examination of

Macbeth.
LADY MACBETH
What is it doctor? Is there something wrong with his brain?

DOCTOR
I’m afraid it’s bad news...

LADY MACBETH
OH! I hope it isn't some STD. Cause sickness and health does
not include that.

DOCTOR
No my lady. Your husband is suffering from two phobias,
actually. And also a little bit of gas, I might add.

LADY MACBETH
Two phobias? How can that be?

DOCTOR
I am afraid so. One is called necrophobia, which is when a
person has a fear of the dead. And the second, well, is
eurotophobia. The fear of women.

LADY MACBETH
But why?

DOCTOR
Alas! One can only guess. Well, the fear of women can be due
to the fact that he swings the other direction and the fear
of the dead can be due to some guilt of a kind. And the
gas...
 17.

LADY MACBETH
(cutting in)
Yes well no need of the autopsy doctor. That will be all.

DOCTOR
Disgustingly filthy rumors are circulating. Unnatural deeds
Do breed unnatural troubles. Infected minds
Will tell their secrets to their deaf pillows.
He needs the divine more than he needs the physician.
God, God, forgive us all! Look after him.
Take everything from him that he might use to harm himself,
And still keep your eyes on her. So, good night.
He has stupefied my mind, and amazed my sight.
I think, but dare not speak.

SCENE 9

We see Lady Macbeth standing on the

balcony (front end of the stage). She’s
singing My Milkshake by Kelis, while
dancing.

After sometime, a woman in the front

row gets up and shoots her. Lady
Macbeth falls down, dead.
SHOOTER
Adios, bitch.

Shooter exits.

We see Macbeth in his chamber, reading,

when Ross the messenger enters.

MACBETH
Hang our banners out on the outward walls.
The cry is still, "They come." Our castle's strength
Will make a mockery of a siege. Here let them lie
Until famine and the plague eat them up.
If they were not reinforced by those troops that should be
ours,
We might have met them boldly, beard to beard,
And beat them backward where they came from.
What, dear sir, was that noise?

ROSS
It was the cry of women, my good lord.
 18.

MACBETH
I have almost forgotten the taste of fears.
There was a time when my senses would have cooled
To hear a night-shriek, and my head of hair
Would rouse and stir, at a dismal treatise,
As if it were alive. I have had dinner with horrors;
Horror, familiar to my murderous thoughts,
Cannot once startle me.
Why did the woman cry, dear sir?

ROSS
The queen, my good lord, is dead.

MACBETH
She should have died later.
There would have been a time for such a word.
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this trivial pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time.
And all our yesterdays have lighted
The way to dusty death for fools. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's only a walking shadow; a bad actor,
That struts and worries about his hour onstage,
And then is not heard from again. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Ross exits.

MACBETH
Well Lady Macbeth, I know you are looking UP at me from where
you are...

Stage fades to darkness.

SCENE 10

Lights are switched off.

NARRATOR
There are no secrets in life, just hidden truths that lie
beneath the surface. Macbeth's sins were finally about to
catch up with him. Members of the court, MacDuff, Malcolm and
Ross went to the Palace to confront Macbeth. But little did
he know. He was in his castle, completely unaware of the
danger that awaits, is singing to himself.

Lights fade in.

Macbeth is singing and nodding along to

the music.
 19.

MACBETH
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone,
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run,
I'll be the Prince and you be the Princess
It's a love story baby just say yes.

MacDuff, Malcolm and Ross enter.

MACDUFF
Turn, hell-hound, turn!

MACBETH
How dare you enter my chambers without my permission!? I am
the King of Scotland. Now explain yourselves!

MACDUFF
I have no words,
My voice is in my sword. You bloodier villain
Than terms can describe you!

MACBETH
What's wrong with you? Have you lost your marbles?

MALCOLM
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID!

MACBETH
W-W-hat are you talking about?

MALCOLM
I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER..!

MACBETH
(sweating)
Really? And what might that be?

MACDUFF
You killed our great king Duncan and faithful friend Banquo
and all those who discovered these sinful acts. Do not deny
it!

MACBETH
Well now that the cats out of the bag...nothing I can deny is
there?
But you fools, you have no proof. Therefore I am still your
king and you’re still my subjects. And there's nothing you
can do about it...nya nya nya nyaanyaaa! (sticks his tongue
out)
MALCOLM
Yes we do not possess any proof. But, just like you, we can
take matters into our own hands, kill you like you killed the
others and make it look like an accident.
 20.

MACBETH
And what makes you think that I was the ONLY killer...men?

ROSS
Yes we know of Lady Macbeth's involvement in your crimes.
Just how stupid do you think we are?

MACBETH
(smug)
Ha! Well then you are quite stupid.

ROSS
Meaning what?

MACBETH
Meaning Lady Macbeth was not the only one helping me, young
lads. We were merely the puppets, the master was pulling the
strings.

MACDUFF
There's someone else? Who?

A woman enters. It’s the same woman who

shot Lady Macbeth. This is BETH.

MACDUFF
Woman, tell now, who are you?

BETH
I, sir, am Macbeth’s evil twin sister, BETH! (witchy laugh)

All stand shocked.

MALCOLM
But it can't be...It just can't!

ROSS
We have never seen you before!

BETH
Well duh!

MACBETH
Yes! I’ve been taking orders from sis all along.

BETH
So I thank you gentlemen for being so patient but story time
is over and I have a spa appointment at 3:00 I cannot be late
for.

Takes out a gun and shoots Malcolm,

MacDuff and Ross.
 21.

BETH
Adios, bitches.

MACBETH
Wow sis, you've got good aim. Straight to the heart. You
should try for the Olympics.

Beth points the gun at Macbeth.

MACBETH
(scared)
Don't point that thing at me, lady. Or I'll tell mom on you.

Beth doesn’t lower the gun.

MACBETH
Stop it! It’s not funny anymore!

BETH
(spiteful)
You just don't get it do you! I hate you! You've been
stealing my thunder ever since you were born! Everyone loved
you. "Oh my god! He's half vampire! He's so hot. He's so
cold! Ooo." Mom and Dad only care about you "he's so smart
he's so special." I'm just the lame human no one wants to
look at! "What’s so special about a human when you have a
half vampire in the family, haan?" And you! You always stole
my boyfriends. Every. Single. One of them. Even Jacob. And
you knew how much I loved him! And I always had to do
everything for you because you're amazing and you sparkle
like diamonds in the sunlight! Read my lips-I. Don't. CARE!
And now, I’m going to shoot you. Then cut you into pieces and
then burn you. Cause otherwise, you WON’T die! You NEVER EVER
make it easy for me! Even in death. Forgive me. You're just
too annoying to live.

MACBETH
(crying like a girl)
I’m sorry! Its not my fault I was born flawless and you were
so ordinary!
And for the record, I didn't have to steal your boyfriends.
They came to be quite willingly! Again. NOT MY FAULT.

BETH
Oh, SHUT UP!

Bang. Macbeth’s dead.

BETH
I'm sorry bro, but you see, behind every idiotic gullible man
there is a stunningly beautiful, intelligent, confident woman
waiting to screw him over. Adios.

Drags him out of the room.