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7 Creative Ways To Tell Someone To F**k Off (Without Swearing)

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By: Rebecca Vipond Brink / September 19, 2014

I dont think I heard my mom swear much until I was over twenty. I dont know if it was her ber-Midwestern upbringing, or if that would be too precious a
stereotype to apply to a woman who also raised me on action movies (like explosions-action-movies), who owned and read Steven Kings entire oeuvre, who
managed Muddy Waters, who laughed off religious relatives objections to me practicing Wicca in middle school, who begrudged but didnt stop me from
dying my hair bright red and getting tattoos, and who, in general, is a pretty tough broad.
But she didnt swear much. Like, practically never. She did the washing-our-mouths-with-soap thing, and when I swore in front of her the first time in the car
(I let who the hell is that? slip when I was 10), she slammed on the brakes and turned to me, aghast.
This didnt rub off on me, of course fuck that shit. Im thrilled Ive found a job where I can swear at only a slightly-less-than-in-real-life sort of rate when
I write. That being said, I find that my moms old habit of coming up with colorful, narrative, or absurd ways to tell people she did not give fucks or that they
needed to buzz off without swearing can be both effective and disorienting to the person receiving the insult. To that end, Ive come up with some of my own
ways to tell people I dont care
1. Drink hemlock or go into exile. Somewhere between 80 and 90 percent of people dont get the reference when I say this, at least outside of literary and
academic circles. For reference, when Socrates was found guilty of corrupting the minds of Athens youth and disrespecting the gods of Athens, his sentence
was to either drink hemlock or go into exile. I dont apply this only to situations in which someone has corrupted childrens minds, of course; its applicable
anytime you just want someone to go the fuck away.
2. Go into space and take your helmet off. Yeah, Im referring to the scene in Mission to Mars where Tim Robbins takes his helmet off in front of the
woman who loves him so she can watch his head depressurize rather than, yknow, waiting until shes gone or something (dick move, Tim Robbins). Its a
colorful image for someone you particularly dislike.

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3. Go fight a Sarlacc. How are you gonna fight a Sarlacc? Boba Fett couldnt. Good luck with that, bruh.
4. Go orbit a black hole. For people who dont know science, this could sound a lot less unpleasant than it would turn out being you dont actually orbit
a black hole, per se, you just keep getting sucked in by its gravity in a spiral until eventually you near the center and it crushes you. You could also phrase this
as I hope the trajectory of your life nears an event horizon and just watch their faces go sour because they dont get it.
5. We dont believe you, you need more people. Jay Z knows best how to tell people they arent credible. I was thrilled to find out recently that Im not
the only one who uses this phrase in conversation or writing.
6. UNACCEPTABLE! But you have to say it like Lemongrab! If you lack the vocal characteristics to do so, just send someone this handy 10 minute
UNACCEPTABLLLLLLLE!
7. You know nothing, [insert name]. When people think of the best insults from Game of Thrones, its way too often that they cite as useful as nipples
on a breastplate. OK, ha ha. But You know nothing, Jon Snow is way better: Ygrittes unflinching conviction that Jon Snow completely lacks foresight or
common senese exists despite the fact that she totally digs him in a love-way. Its like saying, I regret that I love you so much, because youre being
goddamn stupid.
Whadda YOU got? Im always looking for more.
Rebecca Vipond Brink is a writer, photographer, and traveler. You can follow her at @rebeccavbrink or on her blog, Flare and Fade.
Tags: comebacks, insults
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