PASSAGES: PREDICTABLE CRISES IN ADULT

LIFE (1976)

As a reporter, Gail Sheehy was sent to do a story on the

Northern Ireland conflict, and got caught up in the
events of Bloody Sunday, the Catholic civil rights march
in Derry in which 14 civilians, mostly young, were killed by
British forces. The day might have remained simply a bad
memory were it not for the fact that right in front of her she
witnessed a boy have his face blown away by a bullet.
Returning to America, she took stock of her life. At 35,
suddenly her lifestyle of journalistic travel did not seem
enough. She felt she had been a 'performer' in life, not
really participating in it, even though she had had a child
and been married and divorced. Her 'whole jerry built world'
as she describes it, threatened to come apart. She had
seen herself as the optimistic, fearless, loving an ambitious
'good' girl - but now she seemed to be looking at the dark
side. Half her life had been lived.
With this terrifying thought, she wondered: what do other
people do when this happens to them? Some seemed to
push themselves harder with their careers, others began
playing dangerous sports, or giving bigger parties or taking
younger people to bed. But she knew none of these things
would fill the gaping hole in her psyche.
Passages was one of the publishing phenomena of the
1970s. The subject of adult life crises was not an obviously
'hot' one, but with its groovy cover, serialization in popular
magazines
and
the
author's
talent
for
publicity, Passages became a bestseller. The writing style is
what you would expect of a classy magazine feature writer,
pulling the reader in from the first page.
It is easy to dismiss the book as dated pop psychology, but
many readers of Passages are moved to exclaim 'That's
me!' as they recognize themselves in Sheehy's descriptions
of the stages of adult life, and has made many feel less
alone as they negotiate lifes rapids.
Marker events and deeper crises
Sheehy realized that the terrible event she had witnessed
was simply a trigger for deeper changes going on within her
some kind of midlife crisis. The experience sparked her
interest in other people's turning points, and to her surprise
she discovered that these 'passages' happened with
predictable regularity at roughly the same ages. People
tried to blame external events for how they were feeling, but
as with herself often the outer events were not the answer.
Dissatisfaction with lives that had seemed fulfilling only a
couple of years before indicated there was something going
on at another level.
There was a difference between 'marker' events like
graduation, marriage, childbirth and getting a job - which all
obviously
have
an
impact,
she
noted
and developmental stages which change us from within.
We tend to attribute how we are feeling to the marker event

itself, when more often the event is simply a catalyst to

move us forward into another stage of life. Though
uncomfortable, often painful, these transition times should
not be feared, as ultimately they mean growth. If we choose
to embrace the change, we at least know we are growing.
Sheehy was influenced by psychologist Erik Erikson's idea
that at certain turning points we can either move in the
direction of personal growth, or stay with the security of
what we know. Either way we will experience change; the
choice is whether we have more control and awareness
over the process, or allow it to happen to us.
The stages of childhood and adolescent development had
been exhaustively identified, Sheehy noted, but not much
attention had been given to adults. To write Passages, she
immersed herself in the literature on life cycles, read a
mountain of biographies, and began collecting life stories of
people between the ages of 18 and 55. As most of the
research related to men, she made sure the book included
the stories of plenty of real women. She also explored life
changes within the dynamic of a couple, and the stresses
this can place on the relationship.
Changing through the decades
To make the life stages easier to grasp, Sheehys
innovation was to break them down into easy-to-understand
decades.
The Twenties
In our 20s, we have to work out our path in life, whatever
ways of being or doing give us a sense of aliveness and
hope. We are likely to go one of two ways: do what we
'should' in terms of family and peer expectations; or pursue
adventure and 'find ourselves'. We either seek security and
commitments, or avoid commitment altogether.
A man in his 20s feels he has to do well in his work or be
ridiculed. His greatest love is his career. While women do
not have the same pressure, if they go the stay at home
child-rearing route they may end up with less self-esteem
compared to their male partners, who have a very clear
feedback on how they are doing. Women can begin to feel
cut off from the world and feel valued less for who they are
than their role as a mother. While men in their 20s feel they
can do anything, women often lose the confidence they had
as an adolescent.
Couples in their 20s feel that they will overcome all
obstacles, yet behind this bravado is often a level of doubt
or insecurity. Women often go for a 'stronger one', a man
who can replace to some extent her family ties. But in doing
this she avoids her own work of development, and may
have to face it later for example, the woman who marries
young and changes significantly in her thirties, coming out
of the shadow of her husband.
When people near the 'big Three O', Sheehy notes,
normally we feel a dissatisfaction with the career or
personal choices we have made, that we have outgrown
some of them. We have to chart new directions or make
new commitments. We may want to change career, or go
back to work, or to start having children. If we have been in

a relationship since our early twenties, we may get the

'seven year itch'.
Generally, Sheehy warns that if you don't have some kind of
identity crisis in this 'pulling up roots' period of the 20s, you
will inevitably have one at a later point when it may take a
greater toll.
The Thirties
The thirties are the 'deadline decade' .We suddenly realize,
as Sheehy herself did, that there will be an end somewhere.
"Time starts to squeeze", which refines our priorities. While
the twenties are the 'anything is possible' decade, the
thirties let us know that we may not have all the answers,
and this can be a shock. We demand authenticity of
ourselves and begin to see that we can't blame anything on
anyone else. For women, who may have bet everything on
their marriage and families, there may begin a rising
assertiveness, as they realize that their life is not simply
about pleasing others or living up to cultural norms.
Life usually becomes a little more settled. We tie ourselves
to a certain career, we may buy a house to put down roots.
Men will feel that this is their 'last chance' decade in which
they must become partner in the firm instead of being the
assistant, or become an established author instead of being
young and promising.

The
search
for
self-identity
is
what
Jung
called 'individuation' and
Maslow
'self-actualization'.
Sheehy's phrase for it is 'gaining our authenticity'. Whatever
you want to call it, this is the aim of the successive life
stages.
At each point we have the chance to either further define
ourselves, or succumb to the ideas of the group and its
expectations. We have two selves: the one that wants to
merge with others and things, and the one that that seeks
creative independence and freedom. Throughout our lives
we may alternate between one or the other, or they may be
competing within us at the same time.
Many of our decisions may be simply a desire to get away
from or differentiate ourselves from our parents. People
often marry for this reason. Intriguingly, of all the couples
Sheehy interviewed, none married for love alone. There
was always a stronger reason e.g. 'my girlfriend expected
it', 'my family wanted it', 'in my culture, it is what you do at
my age'. For both sexes, a common reason was that 'I need
someone to take care of me'. The problem with this is that
we come to judge a spouse on how well they take the place
of a parent, rather than on their own merits as people. It
allows us to think, when we are not happy, that 'he/she
won't let me do it' instead of taking responsibility for
ourselves.

For both sexes, the conclusion is arrived at that life is a lot

more serious and difficult than they understood it to be in
their twenties. The ages between 37 and 42 are peak years
of anxiety for most people. In Sheehys research, the age of
37 in particular came up again and again as a crisis year.

To make things more difficult, the development cycles of

couples will rarely be in tandem. When the man is growing
and enthused, for instance, the woman may be going
through a time of doubt and instability, and vice versa. A
common result is that we blame each other for what we are
experiencing, when the major change is really internal.

The Forties

Final word

A sense of stagnation or disequilibrium is felt entering

midlife. Those who have seemed to climb upwards through
life effortlessly find that life catches up with them. Having
intensely pursued a career, a person may think, was it really
worth it, why don't I have children? Many a man turning 40
will feel underappreciated and burdened, with the
sentiment, 'Is this all there is?'

The chief enjoyment of Passages in the vignettes of actual

people, individuals and couples, Sheehy interviewed.
Though these are now obviously out of date, there is still a
timeless quality about their stories. She includes a quote
from Willa Cather: "There are only two or three human
stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as
if they had never happened before." To have greater
awareness of the stages of our lives does not mean we are
giving up all control; what it does is allow us to see that the
problems which seem unique to us have probably been
experienced by millions of others, and may have more to do
with your time of life than other people or situations you
may be blaming.

The good news is that in the mid-40s a certain equilibrium

returns. For those with a renewed purpose this can be the
best years, as we see that no one can 'do it' for us, and
therefore that we finally become master of our destiny in a
more assured way. The motto of this stage in life, Sheehy
suggests, might be 'No more bullshit' - we are who we are.
A woman is likely to get more assertive while a man may
want to get more emotionally responsive, having put his
emotional needs aside for career striving. The other sex
can begin to lose its magic power over us, since we can
now incorporate the opposite of our own sex within our
psyches. We feel more independent, less likely to fall in
love but more capable of devotion to another person.
Trying to become ourselves

Since the book was published, timeframes for the stages of

life seemed to have changed. In mid-1970s America, the
average marrying age was 21 for women and 23 for men.
Today, with people settling down much later, it is almost
expected that you spend a few years of your 20s and
maybe even 30s discovering what you want to do and
having minimum commitments. It is also more common for
women to delay having children, or not have kids at all. And
Sheehy did not consider life much beyond the forties, an
age when - given longer life expectancy - life really begins
for many people.
This begs the question: What form will transition points or
life crises take when, as scientists predict, people are
healthy even beyond 100? Perhaps we will become more

willing to see life as a series of inevitable transitions,

separated by relatively stable periods. Perhaps we will
abandon the old distinction between 'youth' and 'maturity'

and instead see ourselves as fluid, constantly evolving

creations instead of having a fixed identity.