Different Strokes for Different People

By

Twin1
“THIS SICKNESS IS NOT UNTO DEATH BUT
FOR THE GLORY OF GOD, THAT THE SON OF
GOD MAY BE GLORIFIED THROUGH IT.”
JOHN11:4

“THE LORD IS RIGHTEOUS IN ALL HIS WAYS,

GRACIOUS IN AL L HIS WORKS. THE LORD IS
NEAR TO ALL WHO CALL UPON HIM, TO ALL
WHO CALL UPON HIM IN TRUTH HE WILL
FULFILL THE DESIRE OF THOSE WHO FEAR
HIM; HE WILL ALSO HEAR THEIR CRY AND
SAVE THEM. THE LORD PRESERVES ALL
WHO LOVE HIM, BUT ALL THE WICKED HE
WILL DESTROY. MY MOUTH SHALL SPEAK
THE PRAISE OF THE LORD, AND ALL FLESH
SHALL BLESS HIS HOLY NAME FOREVER
AND EVER.” Psalm145:17-21

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and without similar condition including this condition being
imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

The right of Twin1 to be identified as the author of this work

as asserted by Twin1 in accordance with the copyright,
designs and patent Act 1988

All rights reserved

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
retrievable
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First Edition
ISBN:
Copyright © Twin1 2010

I am 38 years old. I have lived in South London all

my life. I am one of twins. I am your typical happy
go lucky type of girl. Very bubbly, down to earth, a
people’s person. I have no children, by choice. This
is a glimpse of my life as an able bodied person, then
as a disabled person from 22nd October 2007 I have
always tried to achieve my goals and dreams. I was
very, very close until one day my world came
crashing down unexpectedly and my dreams came to
a standstill, I wouldn’t say end as I am still alive and
I have hope in Jesus.
My story is one of living’ in the world’ and God
taking me out of this world which had become my
world, relationships that failed I was always
searching trying to fill that void but never being able
to and God saying ‘Enough is Enough’, its time to
come to me. God has been in my life since that
terrible day when I had a stroke at the age of 36
years old. God was there right with me from
beginning to the end. Read my journey and see how
God has had an impact on my life. This is all about
giving God the Glory. What he has done for me he
can do for you.
 I

INTRODUCTION

I
wake up on a high every morning. The first thing I do is
switch on the computer and look at the computer generated
picture of the flats that are being built. My name is already
down for one of them I am just waiting for them to contact me
to invite me along for a viewing. I have already spoken to a
mortgage advisor at my bank and my mortgage has been
sorted I have lived on Plato road with my parents for 36 +
years. Many years ago my cousins use to live with us. It was
I, my twin sister, with mum and dad. My aunty, uncle with
their two daughters and son. There was never a dull moment.
This house on Plato road holds many memories … if walls
could talk. We lived like this for several years then things
changed my aunty bought a house not too far from us. I
remember being very sad as I did not want them to leave us.
It did not matter because it was walking distance so I and my
sister found ourselves round there every day. We start
secondary school, Pimlico school my older female cousin and
her brother went to Kingsdale school. The years pass by and
we continue onto college find jobs, leave jobs, find another,
leave another one and so forth. I have no direction I really
never took anything seriously I wanted the easy way; if it was
too hard then I didn’t want to know. I did not see the
logic in doing anything that caused unhappiness or stress.
How ironic that statement is to me now. When you read my
journey you will see what I mean. Time passes and my sister
announces that she has become a born again Christian. I do
not know how to take this, I think I am a bit unsure what this
is all about anyhow no questions are really asked and the
family accept this. Not long after she announces that she
wants to marry the guy she had met at church. We are shocked
and we all felt that they should wait a year before tying the
knot. But she and her fiancé were adamant. Of course we
came round to the idea and we were happy for them. I was to
be bridesmaid and my eldest cousin was chief bridesmaid.
She was chief only because she was always seen as our bigger
sister we had all lived together and we were more like sisters
than cousins. I didn’t mind not being chief bridesmaid. The
whole preparation was stressful. I made a decision I would
never be a bridesmaid again. The wedding day came and I was
nervous as I was unable to get the wedding march right, I
think that is what it is called. It was like I had two left feet.

My escort was drop dead gorgeous his name was Alvin.

I felt so proud to have him on my arm. He belonged to me for
that day. My sister looked beautiful when she put her dress
on, I remember standing behind her looking at the mirror at
her and literally to
catching my breath has she looked absolutely beautiful. The
day went well; I reluctantly and1
nervously gave my speech. The evening came to an end and
the celebration continued back at my parents’ home. That
night whilst lying in bed I cried silently. The tears rolled down
my face.
I cried because I felt that my sister had been taken away from
me that this man that she had known only for a short while
had come and taken her from me as she is my other half
literally. She mirrors me. I am left handed and she is right
handed however, he is the best brother in law I could ever
wish for, he is truly a blessing. He is a decent man very wise
beyond his years and they have blessed the family with two
beautiful granddaughters/ nieces.

There are a lot of memories at Plato road so when I look at the

computer generated picture of my potential new home there is
some sadness there of what I will be leaving behind. We had
more sadness to deal with when my aunty died. Now aunty
was never called aunty. I and my twin called her mummy. So
can you imagine the confusion when my mum and mummy
were in a room together and I would call mummy and they
would both answer and I would say “Not you the, the other
mummy”. I was so sad as I loved her so much and I know she
is with her maker. When she came over from Jamaica to live
in England she was a nurse.

Me and my sister was born at the house on Plato road in my

parent’s bedroom. saw that mum was in labour. How funny.
Mummy and mum were very very close, just like their
children especially the girls. And that’s how it has been until
this day. My parents still live there, just the two of them now,
there was a time when 12 of us lived there at one time then it
went down to 6 then to 4 then to 6 then to 7 then 9, then 10
then 7, then 3 then two. But we go there every Sunday to get
soul food.
 DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE

HOW I REALLY FEEL AFTER THE STROKE

A friend of mine suggested I do this and I thought it was a

good idea. It is now day 33 after suffering a stroke at 36 years
old. It’s like wow what happens now. You just have to get on
with it the best you can. The first few days you do not
experience the impact it has on you as a person. I will explain
shortly what I mean later on. In the beginning you think about
when you will be able to walk again properly, when I say
properly I mean without a stick or assistance. I have to now
try to deal with my anger and severe mood swings and the
bitterness that I feel sometimes even now. This anger is no
longer directed at God.

THE FATIGUE
Well this factor knocked me off my feet as I had never
experienced feeling tired like this before. It is such an effort to
talk and even attending the exercise group at the hospital for
me, not appreciated at all I thought I was about to commit my
first offence( murder). The tasks you had to do were very
frustrating even more so when you are extremely tired and all
you are thinking about is climbing back into your hospital bed.
One of the tasks involved emptying peas out of a jar then put
them back in and screwing the lid back on.

When you have a stroke one side of your body becomes weak/
paralysed (as I am sure you already know) so this task in itself
is a testing one as trying to pick up the peas is difficult and
frustrating as you have to learn how to grip again. I remember
feeling that I am going to scream in the minute and kill the
nurse who asked me to do this. I did however fall asleep at the
table only to be awoken by the same nurse asking me to repeat
the task again. How I did not kill her there and then firstly, for
interrupting my sleep and secondly, for wanting me to repeat
the task (I do not know). Me feeling this way was because I
only wanted to sleep uninterrupted.
The second time I attended the session I was fine although
tired but I carried out the task
successfully without wanting to kill anyone. I knew from then
onwards that I would not be afraid to look at my timetable
stuck on the wall in my hospital room and see when my next
session would take place and not start panicking about how I
was going to get enough sleep before the class or even how

I could find a way of getting out of it. Anyway the tiredness

does stick around for a long while and
you learn to live with it
Over a year has just passed since I had the stroke. The
tiredness has not got any better or worse. I have days where I
walk to the shops and I can’t do anything else after. This
frustrates me so much to the point, some mornings I would
just sit on my bed and cry and ask God to let this all go away.
People stop me in the streets and ask me what has happened. I
fight the tears as I see the tears welling up in their eyes. I
never cry. I have not cried about this happening to me. I may
cry when I hear a certain track being played, I cry because my
life is not like the lyrics in the song. The song I am referring to
is Mary J Blige’s track I’m doing fine or I’m doing just fine. I
find it hard to tolerate some of my friends now and family too
I am easily irritated now, but I can’t say how I really feel as
not to cause upset. My head and heart feels like it is literally
going to explode.

I am now well and truly spent one year later, apparently I look
real good, but I hate the way men, look at me when they are
checking me out. Do they not see that I walk with a stick? I
am not implying that disabled people do not get attention as
not all disabilities are visual. I am disgusted by this as when
they look at me and I look back straight into their eyes they
say (your eyes is the window to your soul) it’s like I can read
their dirty ungodly minds the same way you look someone in
the eyes and you can tell whether they are lying or that they
sincerely love you. Yes, I thank God that I can still walk and
that I have lived to tell the tale but I can sure do without the
short term memory loss and the other after effects I have
suffered since having this stroke. I must mention the
inappropriate laughter which I have suffered and which has
been embarrassing but I swear I had no control over it. I was
sitting in the salon one afternoon and this well dressed Indian
man came in selling cutting scissors for hair. Prior to that we
had been acting like kids telling jokes, I was making my jokes
up as usual and crying with laughter at them. The man that
came in was dressed all in black. He was talking to the owner
and I looked him straight in his eyes and for the life of me
could not stop the laughter that felt like I wanted to be sick so
naturally I opened my mouth and this loud laughter from deep
within came out. There was another time when I was in the
font garden of my parents house and a man who I say hello to
saw me with a stick and he asked me “what have you done to
you leg babe?” I burst out laughing and said “I had a stroke.
He looked at me and said “that’s not funny” I answered him
still laughing “I know”. I had no control, I couldn’t stop
myself.
I find the term STROKE a funny one I sit down and think
sometimes that a Stroke must be where God

flicks you with his finger and as he is the almighty one he may
flick you so hard that, that one flick equivalent to a stroke or
an almighty slap and your body suffers a big jerk, enough to
shake your organs.
MOODS
For me this happened straightaway without me realising.
Whilst in hospital I was looking at people in a rude way. That
was all effects of the stroke. I couldn’t wait to go home. One
of the doctor’s at my GP surgery told me that I had suffered a
personality change. It almost felt like I was being pulled
between good and bad/and or love and hate. Unfortunately my
mother was on the receiving end of my wrath. I would get so
worked up that my head would start thumping and I just
wanted to squeeze the life out of something. All of that
energy would be wasted and the tiredness would kick straight
in, it would be back to my room lock the door and lie down. I
could never sleep when I wanted and when I was supposed to
be sleeping. I now feel that I am going mad and that everyone
is against me, but it’s just the lack of sleep and anger I hope. I
visualise ending it all as I feel I am a burden to my family. I
think how I should do it. In the back of my head I know it is a
sin to take your own life , so automatically I switch thoughts
and try to think positive and try to remember I have come this
far from being paralysed on my left side unable to walk or sit
up by myself. Hobbling around on a stick. I still felt like no
one really understood the psychological and my emotional
state of my mind.

ANGRY
I am extremely angry, I am angry with the world and I am
angry with God, I think why didn’t you just allow for my legs
to be broken. I don’t want to speak to anybody as everybody
always manages to say the wrong thing. It gets to a point
where I start to believe that people were actually going out of
their way to wind me up. There was even days I felt I was
going mad literally losing my mind. The anger was eating me
up from the inside out. Even though I am physically weak I
would have taken you on looking to knock you out I felt
invincible. I never cursed God I would not do that as I am a
God fearing woman but I was well vex with him and the
world. I was jealous watching people or the family do things
that I was no longer able to do like run up and down the stairs
and laugh, I mean really laugh because they are happy, really
happy. I am sad I feel the spark that I had has left my body I
feel dead although sometimes I wished I were. I notice now
when I am angry my head starts thumping literally and it does
not feel right when this is happening, my body is hot and the
whole
thing does not feel right. I am like this for several months
after; I mean the thumping of my head when I get angry.

COUNSELLING
I have been referred to a counsellor. My first appointment
was interesting. I meet the counsellor whose name is Richard
and he invites me into a room and we sit down and he asks me
to tell him about myself and wants me to talk about when I
had the stroke. I start to explain in detail what happened and I
see that he is engrossed in what I am saying holding on to
every word. I detect compassion and or sadness. I see that his
eyes are becoming glazed I realise that this man looks like he
is about to cry. I am thinking please do not cry otherwise you
may start me off.
When I have finished telling him about my experience he
replies “Juliet, I could actually feel every part of what you was
saying”.

I see Richard once a week. Some sessions are tearful and some
are not. Some of the times I feel the sessions are not helping
me as we are straying away from the subject as we end up
talking about my family. I am thinking what have they got to
do with my stroke. Richard said to me at my first session that
we would work on trying to deal with my anger. So far I could
not see this happening. Weeks have passed now and at one of
the sessions Richard asks me how I feel in general I reply
leaning forward in my chair as I answered “broken, my spirit
is broken” he looks at me and replies “that was very
descriptive. One of the sessions I remember we spoke about
having suicidal thoughts and I confirmed that I had. I said I
could not go through with it based on the fact that it was a sin
to take your own life. He asked “are you religious”? I said “I
am a Christian” but It felt like he had just slapped me in my
face. Moving forward to the edge of my chair I start
witnessing to him. Something took me over in that room at
that moment and I looked him dead in his face and said with
passion “do you know that God sent his only son to die for me
and you, so that we may live?” He didn’t answer but I saw
something in his eyes, like I had hit a chord or something. I
hope that day I had planted a seed. I always reminded Richard
WHO FEELS IT KNOWS IT. People were always trying to
justify my situation, or even coming up with so called pathetic
things that they suggested I should do because I had suffered a
stroke. A man said to me one day “ you know what causes
stroke?” this would have been about the thousandth time
somebody reckoned they had an answer so I responded in my
head here we go again, let’s see where he is going with this he
carried on and asked me “do you eat pork?”

“Yes” I replied irritated and now he’s on a roll “do you know
when you eat pork, the worms in the pork block up your
veins.” I thought shut up you idiot where is the logic in that I
interrupted “let me stop you right there, let me stop you right
there the artery at the back of my neck was torn” he said “Oh,
oh, oh, like Frank Bruno. I always said to Richard who feels
it knows it. I remember a stroke nurse came to see me at my
parents home and I said to him that I was stressed at my new
job and I asked would that have caused my artery to harden
then tear because it was so hard, he said on the contrary the
artery would have become soft which would have made it easy
to tear.

HELP (why is no one listening to me)

There was many a times I felt alone. Even being at home
around the family, to be honest I was unable to rest at home
due to the front door bell constantly going and the laughter
that I could hear from downstairs. Ironically these were some
of the times that I felt alone. It would get to the point when
speaking to friends I would get so irritated. For example I
would say I have a pain in my head” and it would be brushed
off by saying “that happens to me too it’s a headache’. I would
think after 37 years I would know when I have a headache.
My blood would be boiling now and my back is up so we start
bickering.

My body has had to deal with a lot, and out of all that what
makes me sad is that me and my family have never sat around
the table whereby we have spoken about what has happened to
me It almost feels like it is taboo. Having ‘old skool’
Jamaican parents hugging and saying I love you is something
that you don’t really hear or see in the home.

They will never know how I feel for example, they would
never know that I play the morning of 22nd October over and
over again like it was yesterday and that the tears would fill
my eyes as they do now but never fall, that the emotions I
have is enough to choke me. I guess its because I look well on
the outside, but no one really knows what is going on in the
inside. I am strong, I am too strong to cry I just carry on as
that is what I feel is expected of me. I cannot show any signs
of weakness now I have come too far. No one has told me that
I should not cry. On the contrary I have been told to cry but I
can’t. I can cry now when I see an animal being mistreated
back in the day it wouldn’t have bothered me at all. I would
just kiss my teeth.

I AM SCARED YOU KNOW

I am living this fear everyday its always there not going away.
As I am one of twins I fear for my twin and pray that she will
never have to go through what I have been through.
I would go through it for her all over again, yes I would. I
fear that it may happen to me again as the Consultant tells me
that am “I am at risk”. I am scared as I don’t know what job I
am capable of doing and not capable of doing.

APPOINTMENTS
How frustrating, hospitals, doctors. It’s really funny how I
feel when I go to these appointments. I do sit there and think
you really don’t know what you are talking about. They will
never get it right they can do all the research they like but it
really is a case of “who feels it knows it”. I saw a neurologist
a few weeks ago she had a student with her and asked me to
walk down the corridor. She then said to the student “She is
walking better now as she is bending her left leg.”

I smirked and thought how you know that, as no one had

asked me to do this exercise before and she had never asked
me to do this before.

One of my last appointments the doctor was more concerned

with my weight gain. He even asked me if wanted to see a
dietician. I was beginning to get real upset with him. A lot of
the times when going to see these specialists I felt like that I
was expected to say/feel what they wanted to hear when surely
this was not the case. For example explaining to the
Occupation Health Doctor I walk with my stick as it stabilizes
me and that without it I walk funny, lo and behold he told me
to throw it away and throw myself on the grass…. I don’t
think so. Its almost felt as if I should recover at their speed,
but like I said who feels it, knows it. And they don’t know it
all.

IT’S A STROKE
The realness of me having a stroke didn’t actually kick in until
a year had passed. By this time I had received my Freedom
pass and blue badge for disabled people and I thought this is
good I don’t have to pay bus fare. Only thing is I had
developed a fear of travelling on the buses tubes and crowds.
I think I was/am scared of the crowds and not being able to get
 a seat as I cannot stand for too long. However, I manage to
overcome this fear only to hold on to dear life whilst on the
bus as no one gave

me a seat which meant I had to stand in the buggies section.

The bus driver thought it was clever to brake hard at every
stop nearly sending me flying onto a buggy with a child in it. I
have not been on a bus since. Getting on and off a bus is not a
nice movement as this is when I realise how vulnerable I am.
It’s the little things such as trying to put money into my purse
an effort.

My fine motor skills are not quite there yet. I say to my GP

that I feel like an old lady, gosh its hard work to crouch down
and very painful, I cannot stand for too long and sometimes I
struggle to string a sentence together. I do believe people pick
up on this as they would respond with a huh. or sorry, so I
would rephrase whatever it is that I have said. The thing is I
don’t want anyone’s pity. I used be such a bubbly woman full
of energy and I feel that I am grieving for I have lost the old
me. I cannot hold my wee anymore I cannot jump up off a
chair, I cannot run I see young women around my age looking
smart on their way to work and think that should be me and
that, that use to be me. If there is a word bigger than frustrated
then that is what I wish to use,. Frustration is what I go
through every day. I am in bed by 7pm each night due to
extreme fatigue. It feels like I don’t really have much of a life
at the moment.

I AM TIRED, REALLY TIRED

I am tired of the whole thing, physically, psychologically and
mentally. I just want to get back to normality; I mean what
has been taken away from me. I feel I have learned from this
whole experience. I feel that I have had more than my fair
share. Sometimes I feel I have been dealt with harshly but I
always remember there are people out there who are a lot
worse off than me. Saying this though if you are born with
deformity then of course, you have your lifetime to adapt to
that and that is all you know. Whereas like myself when you
are not born with any deformities or handicaps and one day
your life just automatically changes… oh my gosh that hurts
and you still struggle with the simpliest of things that you
could have done before with your eyes closed.

Talking about eyes closed, when I am praying standing up

with my eyes close I have to stand with my legs apart just to
balance me out or rest the back of my legs against the chair so
I don’t topple over. I know the day is coming when I am
going to jump out of bed without falling back onto the bed and
run to the bathroom and walk outside for long distances
without my stick and just having that strength I had before this
happened.
I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN YOU LORD
No I have not. Yes I was angry in the beginning I know that
God brought me through this. No matter how low and angry I
got I would wake up to see another day even though I was
looking for an easy way out. Throughout all of this I have
prayed and God never let me forget that he was there.

THANK GOD FOR JESUS

It is now just over two years, and I still walk with a stick. I
grumble no more. I am now walking with Jesus I AM NOW A
BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN, HALLELUJAH. I feel like a
new person. I am the happiest I have ever been even though I
am still physically restricted. God gives me the strength
everyday to go that little bit further and I give him all the
glory and the praise. I still walk with a stick and still feel sad
sometimes. Now my sadness is not just self pity but I now
feel sorry for those who do not know Christ. I mentioned in
the very first paragraph that I would explain the impact that
having a stroke has on you as a person. Well, my whole life
changed. I.e. attitude, perspective on life feeling more
compassion for animals and people, more in touch with my
emotions, not taking things for granted, knowing what a
struggle really feels like. It feels like I am running a race
determined to get to the finish line.
Getting real tired along the way but knowing that you cannot
give up now. The impact just to break it down is like running
very quickly with your eyes closed straight into a brick wall,
OUCH!

The impact was not just on me but on my family. Somebody

made a comment one day and I went home and thought about
what she said. I cannot remember exactly what was said but I
was hurting and angry and she said something to me and I just
blurted out WELL NO ONE DOESN’T ASK ME HOW I
FEEL. This statement was directed at my family. She
responded by saying “Juliet, I don’t mean to be disrespectful
but maybe your family are going through it too. I went home
with that thought and sat down and really thought about what
she said. So the next day I called my mum and asked her she
felt now that a year had passed since I had the stroke she said
“ that she didn’t like to see me the way that I was. (mobility
problems etc), Then I asked my dad the same thing. I
remember this as the time when I felt alone. I felt that no-one
understood me or loved me so when my dad answered me “he
said your mother is worse than me but he doesn’t like to see
me like this. Then he

immediately said “don’t you think for one moment that we do

not love you , because we do” I
remember feeling overwhelmed I knew that God played a part
in all of that as that is what I needed to hear. I struggled to
stop myself from crying. I then called my sister and asked her
the same thing. She struggled to answer me so I didn’t get an
answer. I spoke to her the next day and she volunteered her
answer without me prompting her she said “it is hard for us so
I cannot imagine what it must be like for you she then went on
to say that she gets to Brixton tube station looking for me and
I am not there. We use to meet each other every morning at the
station and travel together on our way to work. When she said
that God only knows how it didn’t break as my heart literally
broke in two.

Even to this day I sometimes find it hard when people speak

to me about my stroke but I try so hard to appear strong and
not cry in front of them. There times I think I am emotionally
stronger than before but I am just kidding myself as I am a
human being and I do have feelings. To be honest, I was so
wrapped up in myself I didn’t realise the effect it had had on
my family, I broke down for the first time around two years
after I had the stroke it felt good. I didn’t know I could cry
like that or even make sounds like that. There was always
something keeping me going and I now know it was/is God’s
grace. God has got me where he wants me. I cannot run from
him anymore and I literally cannot run now. I know that God
will restore everything that I have lost such as energy, the
ability to write and type. I know that when he restores
everything I will get it all back 200% because my God is an
awesome God and nothing is impossible for him. ‘All things
work together for good:Romans’ 8:28. This verse now makes
sense to me it use to irritate me when people would say that to
me. I would get angry real quick as I never believed it. I can
now say it is all working together for good. THANK YOU
YESHUA MY SAVIOUR AND KING I LOVE YOU AND
THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME AND BLESSING ME.
CONTINUE TO HEAL AND STRENGTHEN ME IN
JESUS NAME AMEN.

I MADE IT
IT is now Jan 2010 and it is just over one month of my
baptism. My sad days are few and far between my focus is on
God. I have that peace that surpasses all understanding. I give
all my burdens and fears to God. I wait for him to answer I
dance in my living room to “worship hymns” praising him,
falling to my knees and praying to him. It is beautiful. I know
God has a purpose for me. People stop me in the streets and
ask me what have I done to my leg?

I say my leg is fine, I had a massive stroke, then they

comment on how good I look and I have to give God the glory
and with a big smile on my face I tell them it is by God’s
grace as I didn’t do this by myself. The funny thing is they
look more sad than I do and a lot of the time I end up
witnessing to them based on that one question what I have I
done to my leg? God works in mysterious ways. I use to be
scared of the dark and said I would never live alone for fear of
living alone. God has taken those fears away, I sleep in the
dark after my TV switches itself off and I also live alone. I am
however, slowly trying to conquer my fear of travelling on the
buses. I have been diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and yes I
am tired with the whole aftermath of having had a stroke. God
is with me all the time so I carry on until he calls me home I
fear nothing now and know soon that I will able to do the
things that I use to be able to do. You know someone said to
me just the other day that he didn’t know I lived alone he
always thought someone lived with me. He then said what if I
was to have a crisis. What he really meant was what if I had
another stroke. I said if that is going to happen then it is going
to happen but I cannot live my life in fear of having another
stroke. If I were to do that I would not be living.

CARRY ON
I give thanks to God everyday now he is my life and I
sometimes wished I had found him a long time ago but they
say nothing before its time. I still relive that morning of the
22nd October 2007 all the time and as much as it is sad, it is
also a reminder of that day when God spoke to me ({audibly).
This is another separate journal in itself The day my life
changed……………………………….....Watch this space.
nb] please note that I no longer have the fear of this happening
to my sister as mentioned on page 3 . Thank you Jesus.

THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED

PART 2

Heavenly father, touch this person as

they read this, convict them lord. Draw
them close to you so that they become an
ambassador for you lord. let them know
that you are real .let them know you are
the truth the way and the life. Amen

I had just started a new job. Having worked at a criminal law

firm for a year for a Partner and a Solicitor. I was very happy
here and I believed that I had the best boss in the whole wide
world. I manage to get this job whilst working as a
Receptionist for a law firm. I got to the stage where I was fed
up with my role, bored and frustrated. So I spoke to my
manager about doing a Legal Secretarial course. I got all the
options and chose the most expensive course (the firm was
paying for it). I have always gone for the best. Yes, my taste
sometimes can be on the expensive side, but what the heck, If
it made me happy, then why not!

The year is 2007, around about July. I am going to the hospital

to have operation on my shoulder. No one knows I have a fear
of being put to sleep. I fear that I will never wake up. Me and
my boyfriend (at the time) travel to hospital in silence. He is
unaware that the tears are rolling down my face as my face is
turned away from him. We get there and I report to reception.
The hospital is like a big house. It is private hospital. I was
fortunate to get this due to no room at the hospital where I
should have had the operation. I go up in the lift to my room.

It’s very nice and I am well pleased, en suite shower/toilet and

TV comfy bed. I start to nose around and I discover a pair of
brand new slippers in the cupboard obviously meant for the
patient. I put them in my bag laughing even though they are
like 3 sizes up from my shoe size. I go down to theatre and
whilst in the lift with the nurse she notices that I am wearing
my own slippers. She stops the lift to go back up. She informs
me that I am not allowed to wear my slippers into theatre due
to

risk of bringing in germs. We go back to my room and she

states that there should be a pair of slippers here. Me and my
boyfriend look at each other as the slippers are in my bag. I
wasn’t about to let her know that I had taken them. She was
baffled so I think I went down barefooted. My feet were cold
in the lift and I was thinking I wish I had slippers on. They
say “A thief never prospers.” Oh well, I think, serve your
right. We get to the room I, there are two surgeons in there. I
climb up on the bed and they brief me about putting me to
sleep. They inject me and tell me to count to 3 or 10 I cannot
remember. I reach to 2. When I came to I had an oxygen mask
on my face. I remember thinking where is all this freezing
cold air coming from I try to remove it from my face with my
left arm. I had the operation on my left shoulder. The nurse
comes to life, she startles me and jumps up and tells me not to
move my arm. I rest for a while but I don’t want to get too
comfortable as I know I have to leave soon so I don’t see the
point in sleeping and I start to get ready to leave as I want to
go home to my own bed where I can sleep without worrying
about having to get up again. On the way home in the car I
feel sick and I want to throw up. I tell my boyfriend to pull
over. I open the door and wretch but nothing comes up. How
annoying you know those times when you want to be sick so
that you can feel better and it doesn’t happen?

I am home now and my mum looks after me and I soak up all

the looking after from her like a big baby.
I am off work on sick leave. Whilst on sick leave a friend of
mine called me at home informing me of a secretarial role that
had become available where she worked for a law firm that
specialises in Property. It involved working for a partner and
an associate, it sounded good. Then she said that I would have
to do a typing test. My heart sank so I immediately started to
panic and started to back up a bit. I told her that I cannot do
much typing due to my operation. After she discussed this
with the relevant people she came back to me and told me that
they said they would take into consideration that I had had an
operation and not to worry. So I went along to the interview.
When I arrived I recognised the lady on reception, I had
worked with her a few years ago when I worked as a temp.
The interview went well. By the time I got back to Clapham
North tube station I received a call from them inviting me for
a second interview. We arranged a day and straight away I
start thinking what I am going to wear. I am now feeling
guilty as I feel that I am betraying my boss and it didn’t make
feel any better because he is such a lovely man and I am on
sick leave.

I attend the second interview the gentleman that came out to

greet me was not how I visualised him to look. I had already
created an image in my mind as my friend had spoken about
him to me several times “Marvin” this and “Marvin” that. So
now I am creating an image of Marvin in my head. He is
shorter than I expected but warm. We shake hands and went
into a room just off the reception area.

There is a large table with several chairs and the room isn’t
particularly warm. I don’t know where to sit and I feel like a
child, searching for a familiar face, feeling nervous and
isolated. This may well have been nerves kicking in. They
start to interview me and after a few minutes they excuse
themselves and I am thinking gosh the interview didn’t last
long. Not a good sign. They came back in and said the magic
words “we would like to offer you the job”. I smile a big smile
and all I want to really do is jump out the chair and leave the
room to find my friend to share the good news. I held it
together, thanked them, and then went on my way.

I am on the underground thinking oh ‘my gosh’ I have never

earned so much money in my life. I am thinking ahead now,
already making plans spending the money which I have not
even started to earn yet. I exit Clapham North tube station and
start walking, but strangely enough the excitement I had just
felt a few seconds before had disappeared. I am battling
within, something doesn’t feel right. I get home and relax on
the bed in my room and start thinking again about how I
would spend the money. The excitement is back but once
again short lived. I ignore this feeling and carry on with the
day.

I want to share this news with my sister, but she is away on

holiday. So I send her a text I have got a new job 28k a few
seconds later she responds what, when and where. I laugh and
reply.

I am in a lot of pain with my shoulder but get on with it. My

mum is spoiling me serving me breakfast when I shout
downstairs to her “mum, can I have some egg without the yolk
and plantain please with beans?” I sit and wait in my room for
it. I smell the food and cannot wait to eat it. This is a luxury
as I don’t usually have breakfast but I am taking advantage of
the situation that I need assistance and that I am getting
room service

I am recovering fine now, although experiencing lots of pain

with my shoulder. Every Sunday my
sister and her family come round for their dinner. This
particular Sunday my cousins came round too. We are all
round the table and they start taking the mickey out of my
shoulder as I am still wearing a sling. So they say “Pass me
the ketchup please” and then say “Oops sorry you cannot” and
then burst out laughing. I laugh with them but after the
second or third time I am tired of the joke as it is no longer a
joke to me now because I am already frustrated that I am
restricted with the use of my left arm. As I am left-handed it
didn’t help. I started to learn to do things with my right hand.
As I type this the Holy Spirit has just comes to me and tells
me that God was preparing me in advance. For what was to
come I will explain later on.

I am preparing to go back to work but also nervous as I will be

handing in my notice and I feel really guilty that I am doing
this to them. My bosses especially. I hand in my notice and it
went better than I expected I sit at my desk and convince
myself that this is a new beginning and that I am doing the
right thing.

As I sit facing everybody I am at the head of the table and I

could see all of my colleagues, there was 4 of us in total. It felt
from where I was sitting that I was watching over them.
Sometimes I would lean back in the chair and think that I am
getting out of this dump, I am going to nicer offices, I will be
earning a decent wage which was due to go up by another
couple of grand in October or November. My birthday is
approaching soon at the end of August). I start my new job on
September 11th if I remember correctly. Those feelings come
back about my new job. It is not sitting right with me but I
cannot put my finger on it. A little voice in my right ear and at
the back of my head on the right hand side keeps saying
“workload workload, workload”. I ask my friend what the
workload was like, she replies “I don’t know. I don’t know!
”Angrily.

My cousin, myself and my friend arrange to go out for a meal

after work as it is my birthday I am excited I have just turned
36 years old. I feel different today not just because it is my
birthday but I am looking very professional by the way that I
have dressed. I feel confident as I am starting anew. I have
planned to buy a flat and have arranged a mortgage, things are
looking up and I am on top of the world. New job, loads more
money and a new home. I am floating. I even like the sound
of my little heels on my boots as I walk. Each clink of the heel
represents something. As I walk pretty fast one,
two, one two. The first two clinks scream new job, the second
set of clinks represent new flat, the third set, ‘loadsa money’,
the next’you go girl’! I walk with more confidence as I feel all
my dreams have been answered. I do not see the other people
in the street, it’s just ‘me, myself and I’.
If I make eye contact with anyone or look at anyone I think
do you know how happy I am and how much I earn now? and
I think what is going on in your life I know what‘s going on
in mine. I’m moving up! The evening is a pleasant one and I
ask my friend as we sit around the table about the workload as
the voice workload, workload screams at me. She gets

extremely irritated and responds in a drawn out “I don’t

know” shuffling in her chair with each spoken word. I just do
not understand why she gets so irritated whenever I ask her
this. My cousin is taken aback when we discuss it later as she
couldn’t understand why she had responded like that. Anyway
we call it a night as I don’t fancy doing anything else. I have
always been like that. Once I have eaten at a restaurant I just
want to go home.
I prepare myself mentally and physically for my new job. The
little voice still screams at me and I am still feeling something
but I don’t know what it is. This feeling had been there from
the time the job was offered to me, just niggling at me.

I START NEW JOB

I meet my sister at Brixton tube station and we travel to work.
We meet each other every morning at the station. I am a bit
nervous as all I want to do is get stuck in and get into a
routine. The first couple of hours I spend with the IT person.

My friend had warned me about the partner that I would be

working for, that none of the other partners liked him and they
all thought he was a ****!
I was interested in meeting this man as I am not intimidated
by anyone’s position in the workplace so it was come, bring it
on because I won’t be taking no crap from you. Maybe that
was my true South London side coming out. I am getting fed

up sitting with the IT person as it is So much to take in. In the

middle of our session the Partner who I would be working for
comes in to meet me. For a few seconds I was unsure about
him and it wasn’t long enough for me to sum him up. I do
have a good judge of character so the mere fact that my spirit
didn’t feel too uneasy was a good sign. I have finished in IT
and I cannot wait for lunch time to come so I could go a have
a glass of wine for lunch.

So far, so good. I really thought my friend was going to invite

me out to lunch as she was the only person I knew other than
the lady on reception. Lunchtime came my friend worked in
an office to the side of me, she had to pass me to get to her
office. Her colleague shouted out if she was ready. My heart
sank as I realised they were going out to lunch together and
she hadn’t invited me. I felt alone and a bit sad as I couldn’t
believe she had done that. Oh well I just brushed myself off
and got on with it, but I still felt that was a bit messed up.
Don’t get me wrong I have started new jobs where I do not
know anyone but somebody would always invite me out or
suggest somewhere to go. After about day 3 I would reach
home and was so glad to be home and I just wanted to cry as
the work load is like Mount Everest. I had so much files on
my desk you couldn’t see the colour of my desk. One of the
secretaries was complaining to me about my files on the floor
as she tripped over them. I was drowning. My emails to my
boyfriend consisted of the words pressure, pressure,
pressure he really didn’t support me or encourage me at this
time.
Come week 2, I was getting into work at 7.00am I would be
behind my desk trying to beat the workload. Now I know why
that voice was screaming at me. One day at work I sat there
massaging the back of my neck because I had a headache (
this is the same spot that the lady massaged later on in this
journal). I now think I have made the biggest mistake taking
this job I want to cry and I don’t care about the money
anymore. I now see a different side to my friend. I am now
thinking maybe it was a mistake working with her as we had
already argued. Can you believe it? We argued about the
partner I worked for. It was something about what she
thought of him and she was really slaging him off. I thought
he was ok we got on. As we had words as maybe arguing is
too strong a word to use I notice that her face is getting red. I
now know she is getting upset. I am not sure if I ended it by
saying “I am not going to jump on the bandwagon because
everyone else has and join them by disliking him I will draw
my own conclusion”.

I went back to my seat and a few minutes later she came out
and loudly said to another secretary that “Yeah I think you
were right about what you said” or words to that effect. I do
not have a degree, but I am no fool I knew right away that she
meant that maybe it wasn’t a good idea to work with a friend.
As I said earlier on I saw a different side to my friend. I am
extremely busy I even have someone else helping me even
between the two of us I cannot see the piles going down as I
am drowning. Even the woman that I worked for came out and
said to me in her irritating fine well spoken voice “Juliet are
you drowning?” I said yes I am. I am so stressed out I am not
telling anyone how I feel I am just carrying on.
Me and my friend managed to go out to lunch, I think it was
Thursday of week 2 . We went to a Chinese restaurant as we
were talking and I cried out “ouch” I looked at my hand only
to see that it was bleeding. My friend said to me I had been
scratching my hand since we arrived. I now believe this is a
sign of me being stressed or suffering from anxiety. I didn’t
even realise and didn’t feel anything. It is the Friday of week
2 and both of the people I work for took me out separately.
The woman took me out in the morning. I had got in at
7.00am hoping to get a bit of work done but she wanted to
take me out to talk to me. All I was thinking was not now I
have so much work to do that is why I came in early again.
She took me to a coffee shop, I don’t even drink coffee. She
mentioned that she thought I was rushing some of her work as
I was making mistakes she mentioned something about me not
losing my job. I said to her that “I am rushing everything as
you mark everything as urgent” She didn’t offer up any
solution. I went back to the office. Snowed under. I realize I
really do not like it here at all, I feel like I don’t belong, I feel
like an outsider. She had already emailed the partner that I
worked for about our chat. She tells me this when I walk into
her office. She tells him something else which I remember
that he really didn’t need to know. So I start to strangle her
moving her back and forth. I admit I got carried away and to
be honest I was enjoying it. I remember feeling her fingers
trying to prise my fingers from off around her neck. When I
look at her she looked red. I didn’t realise how tight a grip I
had of her neck. I am so stressed out maybe I really wanted to
kill her at that moment maybe temporary insanity took me
over and I am trying to keep afloat. I cannot speak to anyone
as I do not want to appear incompetent, being the new girl. I
just get on with it without asking any questions. The partner
takes me out a plush Chinese restaurant and buys me lunch.

He takes an interest in me trying to get to know me better, I

don’t mind this I actually welcome it. He then says to me as
he if there is anything that he can do to make things
easier/better. I mentioned his handwriting that I struggle to
read it. I felt that trying to decipher it meant wasting time and
I didn’t
have time to waste as I had far too much work to do. It was a
pleasant afternoon and I appreciated it. His hobby was fishing
and he said he would catch a fish for me and bring it in. I was
dreading going back but also wanted to get back to finish the
work.
We got back and one the Secretaries asked me where we went
and I told her we had taken me and she was shocked and
surprised eyebrows were raised and of course people starting
putting 2 and 2 together and came up with 150! He had a
beautiful singing voice and I would go into his office and
demand that he sing to me and I would dance as he sang. He
would do this reluctantly but once he got going I had goose
bumps all over me. I thought he was a really nice man with a
beautiful family.
From that lunch we shared we built up a working relationship
it felt like we had made peace with each other although there
was really no real tension there in the first place.. I am hoping
to leave work at around 3.00pm as I started at 7.00am and I
have an appointment at the hairdresser. I am stressed as ever.
3.00pm has passed and I am now vex as I shouldn’t be here
still working I make a mental note that I would not be coming
in at 7.00am anymore I will do my contracted hours and if the
work does not get done then tough! I am typing a document
for him I am now more interested in getting to my hair
appointment. He hands me back document after making
changes. This goes on for a while and I lose it as I know that I
have made the changes when he says that I haven’t.
I am paranoid now I truly believe I am going mad I snap at
him and walk out of his office. I explain to IT what is
happening. It turns out that the settings on his computer are
different to mine so he could see never see any of the changes
I made. I tell him I am going now as I have an appointment. I
am vex. He catches me on the way out and tries to reassure
me that everything will be ok and that I needn’t be upset
because he isn’t. I laughed nervously when he said that
because now I feel bad for snapping at him.
I get outside and sigh heavily, glad to get out.
I don’t sleep well at night I toss and turn feeling bad about
work and thinking how I could easily have been sacked for
speaking to him like that. I knew this was very much unlike
me as I would never dream of speaking to any boss the way I
spoke to him. It is now Saturday I still cannot switch off from
work my favourite DJ is on the radio now and I love listening
to him and I try to relax but it is not working. Its bedtime
again I have another night thinking about work everything is
literally
spinning in my head like a fruit machine. I don’t know how to
switch off from work and the weekend is not relaxing. I have
spoken to my cousin and moaned to her about work and how I
felt.
Sunday night the same thing.

Monday 22nd October (week 3)

fter a bad night it is time for work again. I texted my sister
A
to let her know that I would be meeting her that morning. I am
going to do my normal hours. I shower have my hot water
and toast.
I run upstairs to get the last of my things from my bedroom
and realise I have a slight headache on the right side of my
temple. I take one pill to nip it in the bud. I head out and see
my neighbor who lives at the other end of my parents road I
shout out “Good morning Mr Cooper” then I head off up the
road. As I get to the top of the road I see that bus is stationary
at the bus stop. A lady is jogging past me, not running. I make
a mental decision that I am not going to run as I don’t run for
buses anyway I feel I am too cute to do that. I continue
walking, then out of nowhere a gentle still voice says in my
left ear “IF SHE CAN DO IT SO CAN YOU” I automatically
knew it was referring to the lady who had just jogged past me.
All of a sudden my legs start running, and I am now side by
side with this lady. We both get on the bus. It was very full I
stood near the driver holding on. The bus pulled off and my
head started pounding I wanted to be sick but I was trying to
hold it. I knew if I were to be sick it would end up on the
person in front of me. I was thinking I had to get off NOW! I
arrived at my stop and stepped down off the bus. I realised I
came down really heavily as if someone had placed their
hands on the top of my back and pushed me off. That didn’t
happen though, I am just trying to explain how it felt. I start
walking but I notice I am not walking right, I have no co-
ordination I am walking as If I am drunk. It felt like I was
being pulled, like a piece of rope had been tied around my
stomach and someone was at the other end reeling me in. I get
to the crossing and I couldn’t stand still. My legs had a life of
their own I was hopping from one leg to the other like I was in
desperate need of the toilet. Strangely enough I knew at that
point I couldn’t walk. So, I placed my hand in my handbag
trying to get my mobile phone out to call my sister who is
waiting for me on the other side of the road at the station. I
wanted her to come and get me and take me to the other side
of the road. I felt that if she came to me everything would be
ok. I was desperate for her to come and get me as I knew I
couldn’t cross by myself.the lights have now changed to red
and everybody starts to cross and I get caught up in the
moment and forget what I was originally doing. I start to
cross but I stumble. I am scared as I don’t know what is
happening. A lady puts her arm out to break the fall and she
asks me if I am alright. I tell her “No, I don’t feel good” and
land on the floor. She and someone else pull me out of the
road and onto the pavement as I was half on the pavement and
half in the road. I am still conscious but I don’t know what is
happening.
I think before I went to cross I manage to get my phone out of
my handbag as I am lying on the floor and my phone is in my
hand. As my sister is the only person I have spoken to that
morning I press the green button to call her and then I hand to
one of the ladies standing over me. I ask her to tell my sister
where I am. I remember the lady held me in her arms and she
was cradling me and she was

massaging the right spot at the back of my neck (the same

spot I massaged when I was at work. See above). I remember
saying to her ”That feels nice” and she replied “You feel quite
tense here.” Little did we know that place was a crucial spot.
Here I am lying on the floor not knowing what is happening,
embarrassed that I am lying on the floor in the middle of
Brixton in the heart of the rush hour. I am feeling real tired
now and I think I am glad to not be going to work today.

Oodles of people are walking past me looking at me yet no

one stops to ask if I need help or if there is anything that they
could do. I remember looking up as I heard someone say “has
anyone called an ambulance?” I made eye contact with the
man who I think just asked about the ambulance. He looked at
me and asked me if I wanted him to call the ambulance. I
didn’t answer not that I didn’t want to but that question
became the number one question, it became very important
now he has just made me realise this is serious. I just
continued looking at him I think I was searching for
something in his face I don’t know what, maybe reassurance
to let me know that it’s OK. He repeated the question again
but he was a lot firmer this time which kind of snapped me out
of wherever I was and brought me back to me lying on the
floor. I nodded yes. I am nodding yes but thinking I don’t need
an ambulance there is nothing wrong with me. The lady is still
holding me and I remember the feeling of rolling my eyes then
I closed them. The lady holding me screamed out a piercing

Nooooooooooooooooooooo I came round immediately. When

I closed my eyes I thought how it is dark in here. You notice I
stated it is dark in here. It was as if I was a placed inside
somewhere. Extremely dark no hint of any light although it
was a bright morning. That is what it felt and looked like and
the thought was an
automatic thought I never closed my eyes again whilst I was
lying on the floor. My sister finally arrived and she asked me
what was wrong, I said “Its my head.” When I said this I
realised I was slurring and my face felt tight. I tried to shift
position on the floor as I was lying on my left side. I couldn’t
move. I didn’t force it and never said anything. I could hear
the ambulance coming and I was still thinking that I don’t
need it. The ambulance men picked me up and were telling me
to stand up. I couldn’t stand my legs were floppy they felt like
there were no bones in them. They picked me up and put me
on the stretcher I remember as they had me in the air I was
silently panicking hoping that they would not let me fall off
the stretcher.
As I lay on the stretcher in the ambulance looking at my left
arm which was positioned by my side but I couldn’t
understand that although it was by my side it felt like It was
up in the air. I remember ‘oh no’ I want to be sick. My sister
was standing in the ambulance and I thought I was saying to
her I cannot move my leg or arm and I want to be sick. I
continue looking at her and wonder why she was

not answering me. My cousin enters the ambulance and she

asks me what is wrong. I cannot remember my response but
she said I said to her “I have had a stroke ennit?”(South
London slang comes out). She responded by trying to deny
this but I knew that she was not telling me the truth. I could
see the panic and shock on her face. I knew something was up
as my face felt real funny. I asked my sister at a later date why
she didn’t answer me in the ambulance? She said I never said
a word.

W e arrived the hospital now and I believe I was in and out of

consciousness as the next thing I know is that I am being
wheeled pass my family on a bed I briefly see my mum and
dad’s faces and they look real concerned, worried. I
remember my cousin blew me a kiss. I think I managed a
weak smile. I wake again only because something has woke
me out of my unconscious state. I feel probing going on inside
my head and I don’t like it. I try to get up several times and
the nurse tells me not to try and get up otherwise I will
dislodge it. She has just confirmed that something is in my
head. I keep on trying to get up and then all of a sudden my
right leg starts to hurt me really badly.
I start to cry, I mean proper wailing like a baby. To me it
sounded pathetic but the pain was excruciating, I heard the
panic in their voices when I kept crying out my leg and they
ask me what is wrong? The doctor offered to massage it and I
accepted
I do not remember being brought onto a ward I think I was
still in and out of consciousness. I remember where I was the
curtain was drawn around me and my family were there. I
remember being awoken by kisses, especially the one from my
mum as she identified who she was and I remember thinking
mum, I know it’s you. I remember trying to focus on everyone
around my bed and I found this real hard to do. I was trying to
keep my eyes open. I was extremely tired. I cannot remember
when it was confirmed to me that I had suffered a stroke my
boyfriend spoon fed me some yellow stuff I cannot remember
what it was but it didn’t taste too bad. I was really hungry as I
was told later on rthat I had been sick sick several times. I
have recollection of this but this would mean that my stmach
is empty. The nurses came round and helped me out of bed
and as they steadied me I was sick all over the nurse’s hand.
All the yellow stuff that I had eaten came up.

I had a little moment to myself where I was left alone I was

trying to move my leg but it would not move I start thinking
to myself what If I end up in a wheelchair. My sister came in
from behind the curtain and asked me if I was scared? I
remember saying “No,” as I wasn’t. I was more grateful for
the rest than anything else and not having to be at work.

Everyone came to kiss me goodbye and I remember thinking

please don’t leave me here. I couldn’t sleep as the man in the
next bed snored heavily and he kept me awake half the night.
I missed my little kitten Olivia. We had bonded and I knew
she would be missing me.

The next morning the nurse came to check to see how I was
and she asked me how I slept and I didn’t really because of the
man beside me snoring all night.

I was moved off the ward into my own room. Thank goodness.
I was constantly tired. Physio started and it would be in the
mornings when all I wanted to do was sleep. The room was
cold I remember a few days later my sister came into my
hospital room and informed me that the Consultant said that if
I didn’t run for the bus I would be dead or the clot would have
got bigger and bigger and the result would have been a lot
worse. If you remember a few pages back when I said the
lady massaged the back of my neck and I said it felt good. She
was massaging the spot where the clot was. I know that the
voice I heard that morning was the voice of God prompting
me to run he kept the stroke moving. THANK YOU JESUS.
I also believe that the time that I closed my eyes when the
woman held me and thought it was extremely dark even
though it was after 8 in the morning. If you close your eyes
and you are outside you should see some brightness through
your eyelids. But it was pitch black and I thought that straight
away even though I was having a stroke. I believe I was on
my way to hell but the lady’s scream brought me back.

One day my sister came into my hospital room and asked me

if I had seen the black man on a bike. I said no she was
shocked and said that he was there the entire time. My cousin
informed that when my sister called her that morning to let her
know what had happened she rushed out of Tesco’s express
and drove to where I was. She was in Dulwich. We grew up
together this is one of the cousins I referred to in the
introduction and lived together for a few years so she always
told people we were all sisters and some people naturally
believed that we were sisters. She drove down Coldharbour
lane and got caught at the lights beside Kentucky. She said a
black man on his bike came up to the car and said “Your sister
is over there go over there quick she needs you” she then said
to him that she had to go round the one way system but he told
her to drive straight over as he would stop the traffic. She
replied that she could not do that. When she turned back
around he was gone.

Now who was this man and how did he know who my cousin
was? I am gutted I that I cannot place this man at the scene.
But I know that he was an angel.
he ambulance was approaching apparently he flagged them
T
down. I believe in angels . . .
‘FOR HE SHALL GIVE HIS ANGELS CHARGE OVER
YOU, TO KEEP YOU IN ALL YOUR WAYS. IN THEIR
HANDS THEY SHALL BEAR YOU UP LEST YOU
DASH YOUR FOOT AGAINST A STONE’. Psalms:
91:11-12.
I believe this verse refers to all of the above and I also believe
that God orchestrated that morning as he is now orchestrating
my life.
I came home after several days the first thing I do is look for
my cat. I notice the adaptations that have been made. I hold
onto the new railings and walk to the top of the house. I am
exhausted, but I need to
see my cat. I get to the top and see her. She shows no interest
in me and I am disappointed. I turn to walk back down the
stairs. Panic grips me as I start thinking how on earth am I
going to get down from up here. The adaptations stopped on
the landing below. So now I only have one side to hold onto.
Slowly but surely, one step at a time I make my way
down the stairs, holding on for dear life, not breathing as I am
really concentrating on not falling or missing my step. I am
getting hot and the sweat is pricking my body so now all I
want to do is scratch. I cannot let get go, I am too scared and
stopping to scratch is not an option. I reach the bottom intact
and sigh heavily. It all begins now, the journey.

I climb into bed still trying to get my head around having had
a stroke. I don’t know what lies ahead. I am glad to be in my
own bed and in my own room.
The next few days consist of people coming round to see me.
These people are linked to helping stroke victims
Occupational Health, Social worker etc.

I am exhausted and I do not welcome their visits anymore, I

just want to be left alone in peace. I hate
hearing the door bell ring. I hate hearing the voices downstairs
as they sound so happy whilst I am here feeling angry, sad and
frustrated. All I want is peace and to recovery quietly
uninterrupted.
I remember one day being really fed up of the noise, I was
craving peace and just wanted to be alone. I couldn’t sleep
when I wanted to and spent most nights awake without
sleeping. I am not eating. I get real frustrated and I cry out to
God with tears and snot running down my face not asking him
to heal me but asking him to move me out of here as I feel I
need a quiet place so that I can recover in peace. It sounds
harsh. Don’t get me wrong if you remember I was planning on
buying a flat and now my dreams had been shattered so now I
still want to get out. My parents love me, I know this but that
didn’t matter. I asked God to hand pick my home and move in
with me. (I wasn’t saved at this point). I don’t think I even
thanked him for keeping me…it was all about I want and I
need.

I went to Turkey for a week with my sister, brother in law,

nieces and two cousins and sister’s and friend I said I would
go as I thought I could do with a break. Before I left I had
already put into motion about trying to get a flat from the
council. The villa we stayed in was beautiful. I was really tired
but tried my best to keep up with the others. The villa had a
pool and I would sit on the veranda every morning with and
watch the family in the pool. Tears would roll down my face
as I wished I was a part of it. I felt alone , really alone. They
looked like they were having lots of fun and all I could do was
watch. One of them spots the tears rolling down my face and
now everyone is around me. This just makes me cry even
more. They “Ask me what is wrong?” I tell them that I wish I
could swim. I can swim naturally anyway. But my disability
affected this. I andMy brother in law went out and he bought
me some floats .The floats were a life saver as I was able to
take part in the games. Thank you Efrem for buying those
floats for me they were truly needed. However, I did notice
with all of the kicking I did with my legs, when I came out of
the pool they felt like weights had been attached to them.

The holiday comes to an end. I am not as brown as I usually

get when I go away. But I am pleased to be going home. I
arrived home, picked up my post and drop it on the floor
beside my bed so that I remember to open it the following
morning. The next morning or afternoon I cannot remember
what time of the day it was I pick up my post and open the
white envelope first with an address on the front that I do not
recognize. I am curious. I open it quickly being careful not to
tear it. Oh ‘my gosh’, it’s a letter stating that the council has
referred me to an housing association with an address of
property they have allocated to me. I read on my heart sinks
because now the letter states I need to respond by a certain
date… this date had passed. I grab the phone and call them
anyway and ask to speak to the person the letter said I should
contact. I explain the letter that I have received and that I have
just come back from being on holiday and that I have also
missed the date stated on the letter. You know, by the grace of
God she responds “it’s ok as I am the only nom” (nominee).
How can this be? There are thousands of people on the
waiting list waiting for a home. It didn’t hit me straight away
that this was God answering my prayer.
My friend and cousin accompanied me to the interview. The
woman that I spoke to on the phone reassured me the
interview was procedure it was just to confirm who I say that I
am etc. I am still anxious and think I won’t meet their criteria.
I do meet their criteria and straight after the interview we have
permission to go and see the property as the workmen should
still be in there. We get there and press the intercom and we
are buzzed in. The flat looks ok. Although I think that the
lounge could be bigger.

I have a walk in shower. Funny that, as when I was in Turkey

the villa had a walk in shower and I remember one day whilst
taking a shower a thought came into my head which was
wouldn’t it be nice if I had a walk in shower. As quickly as the
thought came into my head, just as quick it disappeared
completely. So now, here I am in a flat with a walk in shower.
God is good.

I have been living here just over a year now and every
morning I thank God for life, and my home and everything he
has provided me with. And we know that All things come
together for good to those who are called according to his
purpose: Romans 8:28. I know that I have been called. I
heard him before but I did not respond to him. Now, I cannot
run from him anymore. I am still. Like I mentioned before in
part 1 of my journal Different strokes for Different People I
am the happiest I have ever been even though I am still
recovering from having had a stroke just over 2 years ago.

I truly believe that God is using me through my illness to

spread the word as people are drawn to me and I usually end
up witnessing to them. I have written this, not for myself but
first and foremost to give all the glory to God and to
encourage those who do not know Christ to repent and accept
him as their personal saviour because what he has done/and is
still doing for me he can do for you.

I AM PUSHING TO REACH THE FINISH LINE (to

reach my maker, so he can say” well done my good and
faithful servant”)

I have found a new church now. I can now walk to church; I

do not have to rely on being picked up for church or being let
down. My friend from secondary school invited me to her
church and after months of contemplating leaving the church
where I was going I accepted her invitation only to find out it
was down the road from me. God is good. I debated and
prayed whether to leave where I was,
I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing. I asked God to
help and told him I was tired on having to rely on being taken
to church as I do not drive, Since having the stroke I am not
allowed to drive the stroke has left me with altered awareness.
Another form of epilepsy. It is where the part of the brain that
has died is trying to work so gives off little sparks which
makes me end up in a kind of trance like state. It is also called
absences or blackouts. I went to this church and I liked it after
the first visit. It has now been 5 months since I have been
going to Heart 2 Heart ministries and January 2010 the pastor
has a message from God the theme for 2010 is THE FINAL
CALL! I find this theme/heading quite scary because your
own ideas come into play as to what it means to you. I
remember going home after the service straight to my parents
home and I was troubled by that, I kept thinking, gosh there is
going to be a lot of us that are not going to make it to the
finish line. I start thinking do you know what Juliet this is
serious and I am going to make it because I have to. I will do
whatever it is required of me to make it in Jesus name. I walk
to church every Sunday morning I sing hallelujah, hallelujah
for the lord God almighty reigns, holy, holy, are you lord God
almighty worthy is the lamb for you are holy. The Final Call
to me means last chance, this is serious, no messing about, get
ready ‘Surely I am coming soon’ Revelation22:20

If you do not have a valid ticket you cannot get on the train,
plane, coach or even on an angel’s back. I do not want to be
left behind. A lady made a speech at my friend’s funeral a
couple of weeks ago that we are living in hell hole it was
funny when she said it because of her Jamaican accent as the
emphasis was on the H’s. Everybody laughed, but never a
truer word spoken, the thing is, it is going to get worse. Many
people hear about Jesus and for some reason, ‘Many are
called but few chosen’ Matthew20:16 they fight him resist
him I am guilty of that myself. He has me where he wants me
now. I am glad that it happened the way that it has because I
have time on my hands to get in tune with him, worship him
pray to him and he has been using me to do certain things and
he is revealing certain things to me, when I pray he answers
me and my relationship is like WOW, who would have said
Juliet Campbell would be sitting here praising God giving
God the glory in her journal. One day when I was in the car
with my sister she was playing a reggae gospel CD by Denis
Mclean I not a fan of reggae but this particular track makes me
want to fall to my knees and bawl like a baby. The track is
called Jesus you’re my friend, I will never leave you, I’ll
never betray this love. The rhythm track is a Dennis Brown
track I think it is called it was the day, well it stars off like
that. As I sing this in the car this song belongs to me now, you
know when you hear a track and it stirs up all your emotions
and you think it’s your own track. Well this is how I feel about
this particular track as when I sing it I mean every single word
of it and sing from the heart, I raise my hands.
My sister is driving and turns to look at me and says “Wow”.
She cannot believe what she is seeing. I tell you something
she would have a hissy fit if she saw how I carry on at home
when I am alone with the lord. My niece was speaking to me
one day over the phone and she made a comment along the
lines of not believing that I was the same person I was how
many months ago. My mother made a comment to me the
other day about the change in me. God has done wonders to
our relationship. I can say that now as we never had one
before now God is right there between us. I can literally feel
him. It feels right now. We can talk freely and openly. I
shouldn’t be surprised as I asked the lord for this and he has
given me more than I ever imagined The same thing for my
dad even though my relationship with my dad has always been
alright, it has just got better Thank you Jesus.

You know I am at that place where nobody can tell me that

God is not real. I am willing to lose my life for Jesus and in
the name of Jesus. I am willing to be a martyr for him. He
died for me, so I can die for him he is my master now, my
saviour, my rock, my refuge, my friend, my lover. Remember
Jesus loves you what he has done for me he can do for you
and more just give him a chance, let him in. your salvation is
at risk. Do you really want to live eternally in hell. Or do you
want to live eternally in heaven? The choice is yours! The
fool has said in his heart, “there is no God” Psalm14:1

Thank you
Thank you to Jesus
Twin sis, I love you and I am truly sorry that you were hurting
whilst watching your twin go through dealing with having had
a stroke.
Mum n dad I am sorry that I turned into a monster and took
out my anger on you when I had the stroke. I love you both
very much and I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive
me.
Thank you Shaz, I am sorry please forgive me, you know what
I am
talking about, I have already forgiven you and I love you.
DUNCAN, Thank you so much, Duncan you know you pulled
me out of that dark hole when I wanted to end it all, when I
felt alone and sad, you were there all the way, even now. You
are a blessing to me and I thank God for blessing me with
you. I love you bro.
Big sis Wendy, what can I say, I thank God that you are still
here with us after you had an aneurism 2 weeks before I had
my stroke. You are an inspiration and I love you.
Sue and Michael, isn’t life funny, Michael I have known you
all my life but I know you more now since I have had the
stroke. Thank you both for being there for me when I am tired
and have come to a dead end. May God bless you both
abundantly.
Thank you to my family for tolerating my moods and anger
Thank you Debbie H for taking me shopping every Wednesday
I love you.
Thank you Kenneth for being there for me at a drop of a hat
and really understanding what I was going through when I
didn’t get it.
I love you.
Thank you Julyette you know that I would have been lost
without your massive support, you know what I am talking
about I love you.
Thank you Septi for reminding me of my moods J I love you,
you love me and thank you for being my friend
Thank you Val, I love you.
Thank you Tina you know we have that connection, I love you.
 Thank you Mich, my girl. I cannot find the words to express
my thanks to you, but you are a true representation of a friend
I Love you.
Thank you Ruth for not giving up on me even when I shut you
out when you were trying to reach out to me I am sorry please
forgive me.