Grade4ExpositoryWritingSamples

OregonStateAssessment

PromptTopic:Write a composition about a job that you

would like to have one day and explain why.

Grade 4 Expository Writing Prompt

Student: _______________________________

Date: ___________________

READ the information in the box below.

There are many interesting ways that people make a living. Some
people make things like artists and computer designers. Others help
people such as doctors or teachers. Still, others entertain people with
their work, including athletes and musicians.
THINK about the kind of work you would like to do in the future.
WRITE about a job that you would like to have one day. Explain the
reasons why you would enjoy the work.
Be sure to

clearly state your central idea

organize your writing

develop your writing in detail

choose your words carefully

use correct spelling, capitalization, punctuation, and sentences

Appendix E 1

MyClassPet
Grade4ExpositoryWritingSamples
OregonStateAssessment

Teacher Note: These expository student samples are from

Oregons state assessment, which uses a 6-point scale to measure
student achievement on the Six TraitsTM of Writing. The projected
STAAR rating (4-point scale) is shown on the chart below. The
actual comments on the ensuing pages include comments and
scores regarding the individual traits from Oregons Assessment
Department.

Essay Title

STAAR
Score

Paleontologist

Everything a Kid Could Want (Cop)

Pro Skateboarder

Olympic Swimmer

The Beast

Grade 4 Expository High Paleontologist

Grade 4 Expository Medium High Everything A Kid Could Want

Grade 4 Expository Medium Pro Skateboarder

Grade 4 Expository Medium Low Olympic Swimmer

Grade 4 Expository Low The Beast

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a High paper)

Title: Paleontologist
Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you
would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide):
Ideas and Content: 5 This writing is clear, focused and interesting. The topic is
explored and explained with carefully selected details. The writing makes connections,
and could reach a 6 level by sharing specific insights about why dinosaurs are so
appealing to the writer.

Organization: 5 This paper has an organization that is strong and moves the reader
through the text. The writer uses a chronological structure for the body of the paper and
ties that structure into the conclusion by making a prediction about the future. The
conclusion would most likely be improved by omitting the final sentence, which doesnt
really add anything to the paper.

Voice: 5 The writing in this paper shows a commitment to the topic and there is a
sense of writing to be read. The writing is expressive, engaging and sincere. This
could move up to a 6 with a greater degree of excitement coming through in the writing.

Word Choice: 5 The language in this paper conveys the intended message in an
interesting, precise, and natural way. The writer employs a broad range of words
(quest for knollage, ventured into my room, economy sized basket over flowing)
that have been thoughtfully placed for impact.

Sentence Fluency: 5 This students writing flows with a natural, fluent sound.
Sentences are carefully crafted, with a mix of fairly simple structures with more
complex structures.

Conventions: 5 This paper shows a strong control of standard writing conventions

with little need for editing. The use of internal punctuation and apostrophes, as well as
quotation marks to enhance meaning, keep this paper at a 5 despite some obvious spelling
errors (theese, knollage, pilled).

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a Medium High paper)

Title: Everything a Kid Could Want
Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you
would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide):
Ideas and Content: 4 This writing is clear and focused. The topic is explained and
support is present but the support is limited in places.

Organization: 4 This paper has an organization that is clear and coherent, with an
inviting beginning that draws the reader in. The paper would move closer to a 5 if
transitions were developed to move the reader smoothly from one idea to the next. The
conclusion could also be improved to provide a more satisfying sense of closure.

Voice: 5 This writer has a strong sense of audience and shows liveliness and humor
(Its everything a kid could want, and I love eating doughnuts.) that engage the
reader. Voice is most likely the major strength in this piece.

Word Choice: 4 The language in this paper effectively conveys the intended
message. An explanation of the jargon used in the sentence my best strategy would
be using a spike-strip, code named stinger, could aid comprehension. This paper
comes close to a 5 in this trait, but the writer has not employed a particularly broad range
of words in sharing this information.

Sentence Fluency: 5 This students writing is characterized by a natural, fluent

sound. It glides along with one sentence flowing into the next. The fragment in the
first paragraph (Having a police car, staying up late.) is purposeful and works well in
the context of the introduction.

Conventions: 4 This paper shows a strong control of standard writing conventions

with little need for editing. Because of the limited number of errors, an argument could
be made for a 5 in this trait, but it can also be argued that the paper does not show skill in
using a wide enough range of conventions to reach the 5 level.

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a Medium paper)

Title: Pro Skateboarder
Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you
would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide):
Ideas and Content: 4 This writing is clear and focused. The topic is explored and
explained with relevant supporting details. It is not quite a 5 in this trait, because it
doesnt really reveal any particular insights, instead more or less echoing ideas that can
be heard elsewhere.

Organization: 4 This paper has an organization that is clear and coherent. The
paper would move closer to a 5 if transitions were developed to move the reader
smoothly from one topic to the next. The conclusion could also be improved to provide a
more satisfying sense of closure.

Voice: 4 The writing in this paper shows a commitment to the topic and there is a
sense of writing to be read. To reach a 5, the writer could show a greater degree of
originality and a consistent sense of liveliness such as that created at the beginning of
paragraph 3 (Swoosh! I can picture it).

Word Choice: 4 The language in this paper effectively conveys the intended
message. The words are functional and appropriate (loads of fun, get paid a lot,
even more fun), but do not show the freshness and precision one would expect to find
in a 5-level paper.

Sentence Fluency: 4 This students writing flows with a natural sound. Sentence
patterns are somewhat varied, although most sentences are fairly simple in structure
with few attempts at more complex structures you would expect to see at the 5 level. The
final sentence is a bit awkward in comparison to the rest of the paper.

Conventions: 4 This paper earns a high 4 in this trait, showing a strong control of
standard writing conventions with little need for editing. The paper does not show
skill in using a wide range of conventions so does not quite reach the 5 level.

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a Medium Low paper)

Title: Olympic Swimmer
Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you
would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide):
Ideas and Content: 2 In this trait, this papers major flaw is a lack of focus. So
many different jobs are mentioned, that the writer gives each minimal development or
the details that are provided appear to be irrelevant (I wonder if ennyone else wonts to
be whot I do. I have to say good luck!). To score higher, this piece would need to focus
on one job and provide relevant details about why it is appealing to the writer.

Organization: 3 This paper shows some attempt has been made to organize the
writing, ending up with a structure that could be called skeletal. The paper moves
rapidly from one job to the next, with some attempts at transitions (the use of the word
And to start paragraph two and the use of the word also in paragraph three). The
paper is not a 4 because there is no clear sequence to the ideas, resulting in a list.

Voice: 3 The writing in this paper shows an inconsistent commitment to the topic.
The writer shifts to a very different, personal voice in the conclusion that doesnt match
the rest of the paper. A more consistent and committed voice is needed to raise this paper
to a 4 in this trait.

Word Choice: 3 The language in this essay is ordinary and lacking in variety (note
the extensive use of the word wantspelled wont by the student). The words used
rarely capture the readers interest.
Sentence Fluency: 3 In too many places, the writer of this paper falls into repetitive
sentence patterns (I wont to... and I also wont to). This paper is a good example
of one that has sentences which, although functional, lack energy. To move to a 4, this
writer needs to vary sentence patterns and lengths to contribute to smoother oral reading.

Conventions: 3 Numerous spelling errors in this paper distract the reader. There is
a significant need for editing, not just to correct spelling mistakes, but to check for
internal punctuation and to determine correct end-of-sentence punctuationfragments in
this paper appear to be unintentional and detract from the papers impact.

Grade 4: Expository (Example of a Low paper)

Title: The Beast
Topic: There are many interesting ways to make a living. Tell about a job that you
would like to have and explain why.

SCORES AND COMMENTARY (Phrases in bold are taken from the Official Writing Scoring Guide):
Ideas and Content: 2 In this paper, development is attempted but minimal. The
writer starts with a main idea (makeing rides for kids to ride.) but then spends the
rest of the paper apparently describing either the ride the student hopes to design or one
that the writer has experienced in the pasta situation where the reader must make
extensive inferences. The details that are provided are repetitious, focusing on the color
of the lights on the ride.

Organization: 2 Overall, this paper is too short to demonstrate organizational

skills. The writer does not appear to have attempted to sequence the ideas, and there is a
lack of transitions. There is no conclusion.

Voice: 2 The writing in this paper shows a general lack of audience awareness. The
writer appears to be interested and excited about amusement park rides, but lacks the skill
to convey that excitement clearly.

Word Choice: 2 The language in this essay fails to create a clear image. Yes, there
are colors and lights and balls mentioned, but it is not clear where these are on the ride or
how they relate to what the rider is doing (other than the green balls can kill you if you
touch them). To score higher, a clearer use of words would need to be in evidence.

Sentence Fluency: 2 The writer also shows a tendency to create rambling

constructions that cause the reader to slow down or reread. The final sentence is a
good example of this: And red fire balls can lihgt up the hole ride all at onec oh you can
not forget this one this red sqegley whith red sperks.

Conventions: 2 Numerous errors in this paper distract the reader and make the
text difficult to read. There is a substantial need for editing. This is not a 1 in this trait
because the writer does have some correct end-of-sentence punctuation (first sentence),
knows to capitalize the first words in sentences, and has some spelling ability.