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Personal
Identity
Self-
Stories:
Acquisition and
in
Understanding
Alcoholics Anonymous
CAROLE CAIN
This paper is about becoming an alcoholic. It is not about drinking;
rather it is about learning not to drink. It is about a group of men
and women who have decided to stop drinking because they came
to understand that alcohol was "controlling" their lives. The change
these men and women have undergone is much more than a change
in behavior. It is a transformation of their identities, from drinking
non-alcoholics to non-drinking alcoholics, and it affects how they
view and act in the world. It requires not only a particular understanding of the world, but a new understanding of their selves and
their lives, and a reinterpretation of their own past. This paper is
about this process of understanding, and about one device in particular that helps mediate this: telling personal stories.
The identity and interpretation these individuals arrive at are defined by the self-help group Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).' AA
draws on a body of culturally shared knowledge about what it
means to be an alcoholic, what typical alcoholics are like, and what
CAROLE CAIN is a doctoral candidate in anthropology at the University of North Carolina
at Chapel Hill.
210
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
211
kinds of incidents have marked a typical alcoholic's life. This cultural knowledge about alcoholism and the alcoholic shared by members of AA differs both from the cultural knowledge of alcoholism
shared by those outside of AA, and from the self-understanding of
most potential members before entering AA. The self-understandings of the individuals joining AA must come to reflect and incorporate the knowledge organized by the AA system of beliefs; cultural
knowledge must become self-knowledge.
In the culture of middle-class America, drinking is viewed ambivalently. In many contexts, it is a marker of adulthood and a frequent part of social interaction. But drinking too much or too often,
or behaving inappropriately while drinking may place one in the socially devalued and stigmatized status of "problem drinker" or "alcoholic." No distinct line runs between "social" or "normal
drinker" and "problem drinker" or "alcoholic," and different sectors of our society do not agree on what these terms mean.
In the past, alcoholism has been widely interpreted as a defect of
character or as moral weakness. To some extent this view still exists
(Robins 1980). Since the early 1940s, however, a growing interpretation of it as "a disease" has largely replaced these understandings.
This reflects the general Western trend toward medicalizing deviance (Conrad and Schneider 1980). Alternative interpretations are
possible. Like the mentally retarded individuals Edgerton describes
(1967), whose disorder is largely an inadequacy in social conduct,
the alcoholic's problem is a failure to meet social obligations. Alcoholics are labeled alcoholic by others at the point at which their behavior becomes problematic by normal standards, not by the volume of alcohol drunk or the frequency of drunkenness. "Alcoholism" describes a tendency toward inappropriate, deviant behavior.
The deviance is not a quality of the acts or behaviors so labeled. It
is a consequence of the breaking of rules and sanctions created by a
group that is in a position of power and that finds the behavior of
others "unsettling." Deviance is a matter of politics (Schur 1980).
As MacAndrew and Edgerton (1969) argue, drunken comportment
is learned, and varies cross-culturally. Americans' response to alcohol, called "drunkenness," is a learned behavior and has its appropriate and inappropriate forms. Alcoholics are a labeled group
of people who behave inappropriately after drinking alcohol.
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ETHOS
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
213
tions that exist within the larger culture of the United States (and
other Western cultures). AA has become the most well-known program for attempting to deal with alcoholism and it is widely held to
be the most successful, although there are really no statistics or even
an agreed-upon way to measure this claim (Bibbington 1976).
Many of its principles, if not the program itself, are used in treatment centers for alcohol and drug addiction.
From the beginning, AA used an illness model to describe alcoholism. John Peterson (1988) traces this terminology to the roots of
AA in the Oxford Group movement of the 1930s. The Oxford
Group, a religious movement in the United States and England,
used an illness analogy of sin in a program of personal evangelism.
Early AA members, including the founders, participated in Oxford
Group meetings in New York and Ohio, and were heavily influenced by the oral tradition and terminology, as well as the methods
of personal contact, of the Oxford Groups. The original medical
model of alcoholism used by AA was borrowed from the medical
model of sin popular in the Oxford Groups. The original methods
section of Alcoholics Anonymous (first published in 1939) uses the
words "illness," "malady," and "habit" to describe alcoholism, using the word "disease" only once, to describe alcoholism as a "spiritual disease" (Peterson 1988:5). Later, as the medicalized view of
alcoholism as a "disease" became popular, this model spread back
to AA from the medical profession (John Peterson, personal communication 1989).
AA members believe that alcoholism is a progressive and incurable disease that, if unchecked, is fatal. The drinking alcoholic is
powerless over alcohol, and out of control. Once one becomes an
alcoholic, one's whole life is centered around alcohol, and once the
drinking alcoholic takes one drink, she cannot resist the next, or the
next. The disease affects all areas of one's life, and evidence for alcoholism cannot be found in any one symptom, but rather in the life
as a whole. The only way to arrest the disease is to stop drinking
completely, and since the alcoholic is powerless to resist alcohol, this
can only be done by turning one's life and will over to a Higher
Power. The individual's Higher Power may be God, the AA group,
or any other conception of something larger than one's self. The surrender must be complete, and can only be accomplished when the
drinker is ready to stop drinking, when he admits not only that he
may have a problem with drinking, but also that he is powerless over
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ETHOS
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
215
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ETHOS
criteria by which the alcoholic can be identified. Like the Ecuadorian illness stories described by Price, or the stories told by the Ifaluk
in recounting troublesome family situations (Price 1987; Lutz 1987;
see also Early 1982), they provide a means of socially negotiating
the interpretations of events. As potential members, who may possibly have been labeled by others as alcoholic, listen to AA stories,
the stories provide an alternative model for reinterpreting their own
behaviors, a model that more closely matches the interpretations
others have made of them.
Simply learning the propositions about alcohol and its nature is
not enough. They must be applied by the drinker to his own life, and
this application must be demonstrated. Robert Scott (1969) describes how, for workers in blindness agencies, one key indicator of
the success of a rehabilitation endeavor is the degree to which the
client comes to understand himself and his problem from the worker's perspective. Similarly, in AA, success, or recovery, requires
learning to perceive oneself and one's problems from an AA perspective. AA members must learn to experience their problems as
drinking problems, and themselves as alcoholics. This is why, as
members often say, "AA is for those who want it, not for those who
need it." Members must agree to become tellers, as well as listeners,
of AA stories.
Telling AA stories is a way of demonstrating that one has acquired
the appropriate understandings. Telling an appropriate story is
thus a means of gaining validation from listeners for one's AA identity. But telling is an active process. It is a process of construction.
Using the AA model and applying it to her own life, the drinker
comes to better understand how, and why, she is an alcoholic. The
stories are used in what is simultaneously a social and a cognitive
process. It is the cognitive process by which stories are used to help
the teller understand herself as an alcoholic that I will focus on in
the remainder of this paper. I wish to show that in the process of
identity acquisition, the AA member undergoes identity diffusion,
followed by identity reconstitution through reinterpreting her life as
an AA story.
In the next section, I briefly sketch the process of identity acquisition that AA members go through. I then give a more detailed account of AA personal stories, the contexts in which they are told,
what their structure is, and how they are learned by new members.
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
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218
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PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
219
desire the identity of an alcoholic, but the disruption opens the possibility of this transformation in self-image.
Once the drinker has made contact with AA and begins to participate in meetings, she must come to understand the identity of "alcoholic" as AA understands it, and must come to see herself as a
potential AA member. This involves making an appropriate connection between alcohol and the problems it has led to. She must
replace the previous definition of alcoholic as drunk or Skid Row
bum with the AA definition of an ill person, learning to see the identity of an AA (non-drinking) alcoholic as desirable, and learning to
see herself as like, or potentially like, those who hold this identity.
Making the appropriate connection between alcohol and the
problems one is having requires one to see problems as the negative
effects of drinking. This may require the drinker to rethink who she
is or why she drinks. As will be seen in the discussion of the AA
story, most stories contain a segment in which the drinkerjustifies
her drinking when people point out its negative effects. She blames
her drinking on her problems, for example, rather than seeing her
problems as the effects of drinking. This is one example of how the
connection may be interpreted in ways inappropriate to AA. Other
examples of inappropriate interpretations of the connection are
given in published AA stories. Jim saw himself as a person who was
always in trouble, for whom trouble was a natural part of his personality, and saw drinking as one aspect of that. When he joined
AA, he had to learn to understand himself as an alcoholic for whom
trouble was an aspect of his drinking (Alcoholics Anonymous
1979d:21-24). Similarly, a woman who understood drinking as
"one more symbol of [her] neurosis" had to come to understand her
neurosis as one more symptom of her alcoholism (Alcoholics Anonymous 1968a:12-16).
Learning the appropriate definition of "alcoholic" is also represented in the AA stories. At first a potential member may reject the
suggestion that she may be alcoholic, and that AA may be relevant
to her. Typically, her conception of an alcoholic is someone who
lives on the bowery and panhandles for a drink, and she believes
that this person has arrived there because of a moral weakness or
lack of willpower. She must learn that alcoholism is a disease that
can happen to anyone (Alcoholics Anonymous 1967, 1968b), and
she must learn the appropriate evidence for it. She must also see the
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PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
221
turn their will and lives over to a Higher Power. Together, these two
dimensions divide people into four types, as shown in Figure 1.
There are therefore two aspects of the AA alcoholic identity important for continuing membership in AA: qualification as an alcoholic,
which is based on one's past, and continued effort at not drinking.
The AA identity requires a behavior-not drinking-that is a negation of the behavior that originally qualified one for membership.
One of the functions of the AA personal story is to establish both
aspects of membership in an individual. This can be seen as parallel
to Schwartz and Merten, in that the AA story serves to attach what
has now become understood as negative behavior-attributes of the
active alcoholic-to the member, but demonstrates that these are in
the past. In their place it attaches the attributes of the non-drinking
alcoholic-as demonstrated in behaviors appropriate to AA, and involvement in AA activities. Not the least of these activities is the
telling of the personal story.
Below I argue that telling the story actually helps the AA member
understand himself as an alcoholic, as he learns the appropriate
story structure and learns to tell his own life as an AA story. First,
I discuss the AA story, and how it is learned, in more detail.
NONALCOHOLIC
"Normal
Drinker"
DRINKING
ALCOHOLIC
"Active
Alcoholic"
AA ALCOHOLIC
NON-
"Recovering Alcoholic"
DRINKING
Abstainer
"Non-Drinking
Alcoholic"
I,
Figure 1. Dimensions of drinking behavior and identity (quotation marks indicate terms used
in AA).
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The role of the personal story in helping others to identify is important because of the AA test for alcoholism. Evidence is found not in
how much you drink, or how often, but in what alcohol has done to
you (Alcoholics Anonymous 1979c:3). The evidence for alcoholism
must be found in one's entire life, and the personal story provides a
model alcoholic life for comparison to the potential member's own.
Hearing AA stories, the drinking alcoholic says, "We've done the
same things. This person is like me," and so, "Maybe I am an alcoholic."
It is this aspect of personal stories that accounts for their wide(1976a; the "Big Book"),
spread telling in AA. AlcoholicsAnonymous
in
contains
29
personal stories of some of
originally published 1939,
AA's earliest members, including Bill W. and Dr. Bob. These personal stories, which constitute over half of the volume, are prefaced
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
223
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ETHOS
to the time you quit. But say nothing, for the moment, of how that was accomplished....
When he sees you know all about the drinking game, commence to describe yourself as an alcoholic. Tell him how baffled you were, how you finally learned that
you were sick. Give him an account of the struggles you made to stop. Show him
the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree. ... If he is an alcoholic,
he will understand you at once. He will match your mental inconsistencies with
some of his own.
If you are satisfied that he is a real alcoholic, begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the malady .... And be careful not to brand him an alcoholic. Let him draw
his own conclusion....
Continue to speak of alcoholism as a sickness, a fatal malady. Talk about the
conditions of body and mind which accompany it. Keep his attention focused
mainly on your personal experience. Explain that many are doomed who never
realize their predicament.... You will soon have your friend admitting that he has
many, if not all, of the traits of the alcoholic .... Even if your protege may not have
entirely admitted his condition, he has become very curious to know how you got
well.... Tell himexactlywhathappened
toyou. [1976a:91-93, emphasis in original]
These instructions for how to talk to active alcoholics give an indication of the AA personal story structure. There is a general structure, in the form of a scenario in which the decision to join AA is
made. This general structure, as opposed to the personal story of
any one individual, I will call the "AA story." The development of
the story as a vehicle for presenting an experience or person with
whom the prospect could "identify" was apparently a conscious effort from the beginning. In a book published by AA in 1980, describing the early days of AA in Ohio, interviews indicate that Dr. Bob
and early group members experimented with various explanations
an "allergy" explanation and an analogy
of alcoholism-including
to diabetes (Alcoholics Anonymous 1980:113)-and methods of attracting prospects to their program. Members of the emerging
group worked together to perfect their techniques.
We talked about how to get more members and how to handle them. Then we
talked about the mistakes we had made in telling our stories. We didn't hesitate to
criticize each other. We suggested certain words to leave out and certain words to
add in order to make a more effective talk. It made a bunch of amateur psychologists and after-dinner speakers out of us. [1980:114]
Since the time being described is before the writing of the Big Book,
it seems safe to conclude that the framework for the AA story, and
the AA word choice, were worked out in practical presentations and
critiques by emerging groups long before the Big Book, with its per-
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
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ETHOS
been better spent on having a "good time." The blackouts were becoming more
frequent. I never paid any attention to them except to note that they were probably
a sign that I had enjoyed myself the night before.
At this point the proctor called me to his office. A friend and I had gone to a
secretary'sapartment after the bar closed, and had not been treated with the proper
respect. Just to show her, we walked off with half her belongings. She reported us
to the authorities, and we received a warning. This was in my freshman year.
My sophomore year, I brought a car to school. I could now have more dates, go
away on weekends to other schools. In the spring, the president of the fraternity
warned me that the brothers thought it was a good idea for me to cut down, as I
was giving the fraternity a bad name on campus. It was none of his business, I told
him; they werejealous because I was having all the fun, while they had to work to
stay in school. Shortly thereafter, I was called to the proctor's office again.
My junior year was by far the worst. I started out by going back to school a week
early, and for a week I never drew a sober breath. The progression had really set
in. After school started, most days I made no attempt to attend classes.
In December, I was again called to the proctor's office, and sent to the mentalhealth clinic to see a psychiatrist and take some tests. The doctor told me that I
would have to leave school to do something about my drinking problem. I was
shocked. What drinking problem? I said I would stop drinking if they allowed me
to stay, but he tried to impress upon me that I had lost control.
My bubble had burst. All of a sudden, the party had come to an abrupt halt. I
left school that afternoon.
The day after Christmas, I was admitted to a psychiatric clinic in Manhattan.
My condition could best be described as confused, about what had happened and
what was going to happen. When someone tried to talk to me, my only response
was to cry. As time went on, I was able to talk to the doctor quite freely about my
drinking. The time came when I was finally able to admit that I mightbe an alcoholic.
After six months, I was discharged from the clinic. My father had gone to his
firstAAA meeting years ago, in 1959, and my mother was a member of Al-Anon (for
relatives and friends of alcoholics). I had attended many meetings in the past with
my parents. Yet I made no attempt to contact AA when I left the hospital. I stayed
sober for two months and then picked up the first drink, looking for the "good time"
I was missing.
I drank for two months, and things got progressively worse. The day finally came
when I was convinced alcohol had the best of me, and I needed help. I went to my
first meeting that night, seeking an answer to myproblem. That was over two years
ago. I have not had a drink since, one day at a time. The understanding that people
in AA showed was the first thing that impressed me. They were not shocked by my
drinking history. They just nodded; they knew what I was talking about.
Two things that I caught on to right from the start were: constant attendance at
meetings, and sticking with the winners. I went to meetings every night, and tried
to attend midnight meetings as often as possible. After two months, I asked a man
to be my sponsor. He proved to be the biggest help, providing the answers and
encouragement necessary for me to make this program.
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
227
Being young bothered me at first. But the men who came in when they were old,
and stayed with the program, gave me the incentive to do the same. I thought a
man of 60 or more faced the same problem as I, only at the other end of the spectrum.
AA has given me my life and my sanity, two things I hold dear today. It has been
a slow process of building a new life, one I never dreamed existed for me. I am the
product of many people's devotion of time and effort, and I always welcome the
chance to pass on what I have to someone else.
I am now back at the university, and will probably be on the dean's list this term.
My concept of what a "good time" is has changed considerably. There is a balance
in my life today between studies, AA, and doing other things I enjoy. All this is
mine by staying away from one drink, one day at a time. I probably have one drunk
left in me, but I'm not so sure I have another recovery left in me. [1979d:10-13;
emphasis in original]
The AA story provides a general framework,of which the individual personal stories are specific examples. It is a learned structure,
developed over time, and of course there are variations. One reason
for variation is that any one personal story is created from the interaction of the learned AA story form, the actual events of an individual's life, and individual or group agendas. Many of the personal
stories published in pamphlets contain paragraphs or sections addressing such issues as being a teenage alcoholic, or a female alcoholic. The point these stories make is that, while a person may be
differentfrom others in AA, the differences are unimportant in light
of the similarities: all are alcoholics. The "Big Book" personal stories almost all address the issue of religious or spiritual beliefs.
There is also variation over time and situation. The personal stories that appear in the Big Book are the earliest published AA stories, although, as pointed out above, stories were being told for some
time before publication. The Big Book stories tend to be longer than
those published in other literature, and they tend to give more autobiographical information, which is left out or condensed in other
contexts. Some of the stories in the Big Book also seem to be more
literaryin style than those in other publications. Perhaps the shorter
and more prototypic form of the published AA story has evolved
since the initial publication of this book in 1939.
Other variation occurs between the tellings of stories in speakers'
meetings versus discussion meetings. In speakers' meetings, a single
speaker may talk for 45-60 minutes, expanding her story to fill this
length. In discussion meetings, on the other hand, nearly everyone
takes part in the discussion, and if personal stories are told, their
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form is abbreviated. Sometimes the teller will concentrate on a single aspect of the story, such as describing what his "bottom" was
like before coming to AA, or how he first heard about AA, or what
his reaction to his first meeting was. If a fuller story is told, it is abbreviated by telescoping recurring events-for example, repeated
negative effects of drinking-into generalized statements or illustrative episodes.
Other variation is undoubtedly the result of individual variation.
The events in each person's life differ, and thus individual stories
will differ to some degree. There is also variation in the extent to
which the model AA story is learned and internalized, which is reflected in the tellings. Given the possible variations, and the diversity of actual life courses, there is remarkable similarity among the
personal stories told in AA. Such similarity can only be accounted
for if the genre of the AA personal story is learned. AA members
learn to tell personal stories, and learn to fit the events and experiences of their own lives into the AA story structure.
LEARNING TO TELL AN AA STORY
Telling an AA story is not something one learns through explicit
teaching. Newcomers are not told how to tell their stories, yet most
people who remain in AA learn to do this. There are several ways
in which an AA member learns to tell an appropriate story. First,
he must be exposed to AA models. As I have shown above, the newcomer to AA hears and reads personal stories from the time of early
contact with the program-through
meetings, literature, and talk
with individual old-timers. In addition to the structure of the AA
story, the newcomer must also learn the cultural model of alcoholism encoded in them, including AA propositions, appropriate episodes to serve as evidence, and appropriate interpretations of
events. Some important propositions are: Alcoholism is a progressive
disease; the alcoholicis powerless overalcohol; the alcoholic drinkeris out of
control(or is insane); AA isfor thosewho want it, notfor thosewho need it;
and AA is a programfor living, notjust for not drinking. These propositions enter into stories as guidelines for describing the progression
of drinking, the desire and inability to stop, the necessity of "hitting
bottom" before the program can work, and the changes that take
place in one's life after joining AA.
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
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cussions, the direction the talk takes is a product of both the topic
and the specific things said by others. One speaker follows another
by picking out certain pieces of what has previously been said, saying why it was relevant to him, and elaborating on it with some episode of his own. Sometimes a newcomer will say something that
seems to parallel the episodes or comments of others, but he will give
an interpretation of it that is inappropriate to AA beliefs. Sometimes
the episode itself will seem to have little to do with those others are
telling. Usually, unless the interpretation really runs counter to AA
beliefs, the speaker is not corrected. Rather, other speakers will take
the appropriateparts of the newcomer's comments and build on this
in their own comments, giving parallel accounts with differentinterpretations, for example, or expanding on parts of their own stories
that are similar to parts of the newcomer's story, while ignoring the
inappropriate parts of the newcomer's story.
At one discussion meeting, members traded stories of how they
came to AA.4 A college athlete, a newcomer who had not yet quit
drinking or using drugs, focused on instrumental reasons he needed
to quit-he had to undergo urine tests and would lose his athletic
scholarship if drugs were detected. This was an inappropriate reason, since AA stresses that you must see yourself as an alcoholic, and
must want to quit for yourself, rather than for someone else. Most
of the old-timers focused their stories on how they realized they had
a problem that they couldn't control. Several of the stories had the
recurringthemes of needing to see yourself as like other members of
AA, and needing to see getting sober as something desirable.
In another meeting, Brad, who had just entered AA and had his
last drink three days before, said that he would still do pot except
that he always drinks when he does pot. "Pot is not a problem," he
said; "I can give it up anytime." Steve, an old-timer, said that he
had done a lot of different drugs that he could give up anytime, as
long as he replaced them with a new drug. Mark said, "I experimented with pot . . . for twenty years." The implication of these
comments is clearly that Brad is only kidding himself. In this way,
appropriate interpretations are pointed out as members make jokes
about their own past wrong interpretations. One night as some
members shared anecdotes about things they had done while drinking, Gary told this tale:
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
231
One morning I woke up after a night of drinking, and I thought I'd had this bad
dream about running into the side of a bridge at 55 miles an hour. Then I went
outside. Three inches off the side of my car were gone. And I thought, "Man, I've
got to stop driving."
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think she was an alcoholic, but that she did have a drinking problem. She described how she often drank all day on weekend days,
and often didn't remember those days. She told how she drank a lot,
sometimes lied about the amount, and hid bottles. Sometimes, she
said, she had blackouts. Her boyfriend was concerned about how
much she drank, and he had talked her into contacting AA. Then
she went on to compare herself to her uncle, who was an alcoholic,
and to the other members of the discussion group, through their stories, and declared that she was not that bad: she had never wrecked
a car or had DUIs, she had never been hospitalized or had deep
depressions, so she didn't think she was an alcoholic.
While she was speaking, no one interrupted her, but after she had
finished, several people spoke. Without actually telling her that she
was an alcoholic, they pointed out that the stories they told were
their own, not hers, and the events they told about were not preconditions, but symptoms. Gary, an old-timer, pointed out that just because he had never been "strung out in a hospital" like Elizabeth,
he could not use that to say that he was not an alcoholic any more
than Elizabeth could say that she was not one because she had never
had DUIs as Gary did. "You don't have to get all the way to the
bottom before you quit," Elizabeth told her. "The only requirement
for membership is a desire to stop drinking." At the end of the meeting, Patricia picked up her white chip, indicating her intention to
stop drinking and start the AA program. As another characteristic
response to this form of denial, when newcomers state that they
haven'tdone something, others will reply, "yet."
Personal stories, as AA recognizes, are important in helping some
drinkers identify themselves as alcoholics. Hearing or reading personal stories, potential members compare their lives to the alcoholic
life, readjust their definition of "alcoholic," and say, "these people
are like me." Telling an AA personal story also plays an important
role in helping members acquire the identity of AA alcoholic,
through signaling real membership, and through a process of transforming the member's self-understanding.
Telling a personal story, especially at a speakers' meeting or on a
"Twelfth Step" call, signals membership because this "is the time
that they [members] feel that they belong enough to 'carry the message'" (Robinson 1979:54). "Twelfth-Stepping" and speaking at
speakers' meetings are often represented in the AA literature as the
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
233
final evidence that the AA member's life has turned around from the
drinking days to a life in which he helps others. The personal stories
themselves are valued as the vehicles by which the member transforms his past experience into something useful (Robinson 1979:75).
Telling a personal story is also important as a process of self-understanding. While AA members telling their stories hope that
drinking alcoholics hearing it will recognize so much of themselves
in the story that they see that they must be alcoholics also, the example of Patricia illustrates that this does not always occur. The AA
story structure has a stage in which the drinker rejects the suggestion that he might be an alcoholic, despite the negative effects of his
drinking, because he does not match his own definition of "alcoholic." The drinker must learn an appropriate definition, and must
learn the events and episodes that are evidence of alcoholism. As he
learns the AA story structure, he must learn to see the events and
experiences of his own life as evidence for alcoholism. He learns to
put his own events and experiences into an AA story, and thus
learns to tell, and to understand, his own life as an AA story. He
reinterprets his own past, from the understanding he once had of
himself as a normal drinker, to the understanding he now has of
himself as an alcoholic.
REINTERPRETING THE PAST THROUGH AA STORIES
Throughout this paper I have argued that the AA personal story
acts as a cultural device that helps the teller transform her self-understanding from that of a drinker to that of an AA "recovering alcoholic." Identity reconstitution occurs as the teller reinterprets her
life as an AA story. The discussion of how members learn to tell their
own stories illustrates that telling one's drinking experiences in the
form of a personal story is not natural or simple; neither is understanding one's life in the ways that telling these stories requires. The
stories encode the cultural model of alcoholism held by AA, and this
model organizes knowledge and guides inferences. Holland (1992)
argues that identification with the world defined by a cultural model
develops together with expertise in acting in that world. As the newcomer learns the AA story and identifies herself as an AA alcoholic,
the cultural model guides both her present actions and self-understanding, and her understanding of her past. As she learns to place
the events of her own life into the AA story form, she reinterprets
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In the course of this fieldwork, I heard stories told in three settings: discussion meetings, speakers' meetings, and interviews. In
some cases I had the chance to hear the same persons tell their personal stories, or parts of them, in more than one setting-in an interview and a discussion meeting, for example, or in a discussion
meeting and at a speakers' meeting. It became clear that there were
regularities in the stories each person told, even as they were
adapted to the different settings. There also seemed to be a relationship between the way in which the stories were told, and the extent
to which the teller had internalized the AA identity and the AA
model of the alcoholic life. The longer a person had been in AA, the
closer his story was to the AA story structure described above. Also,
verbal markers were incorporated into the stories, which indicated
a process of reinterpretation, ongoing or completed.
Much of this argument is based on stories collected during three
interviews, although I will occasionally bring in examples from stories told in other settings. One advantage of the interviews is that
they were tape-recorded, and I have been able to work from transcriptions. The interviews also have the advantage that they were
done in a setting where the speaker clearly consented to my use of
the informationfor the purpose of this study. Although AA members
knew that I was attending meetings as part of my research, what
was said at those meetings was intended for other members, not for
the anthropologist, and much was sensitive in nature and private. I
have chosen to edit out some material when I felt it would be inappropriate to include it.5
Interviews were done with people I met through AA meetings, and
consisted of three parts. In the first part, which I based on the
"twenty-statements interview" designed by Kuhn and McPartland
(1954), I asked each informant to write twenty (or up to twenty)
answers to the question "Who am I?" in the order in which the an-
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
235
swers occurred to them. In the second part, I collected the individuals' accounts of their drinking experiences. In the third part I elicited terms that they had heard people use to talk about types of
drinkers. The results of parts one and three are not analyzed here,
except to note that there seems to be a relationship between how
long the person has been sober in AA, how fully the AA identity has
been internalized, and the salience of the identity of alcoholic in the
individual's self-understanding. As discussed below, I take the extent to which AA propositions and beliefs are incorporated and the
extent to which the individual's life story approximates the AA personal story form to be indicators of the extent to which the identity
has been internalized. The salience of the identity of alcoholic is indicated by the prominence of responses related to this identity on
the twenty-statements interview. These relationships will be discussed later. Most of this section will deal with an analysis of the
drinking-experiencenarratives told in part two of the interview.
In analyzing the material, I first collected a large body of personal
stories published in AA literature. I began with a sample of 29 personal stories from the Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous 1976a) and
17 stories from two AA pamphlets published since (1979d, 1968a).
For these 46 accounts I did a careful analysis, for each paragraph
noting main points, what episodes and events were included, and
what propositions were made about alcohol, self, and AA. I
sketched the overall structure of each story. I then did the same type
of analysis (by frame) for each of two fictional stories presented in
comic-book style (Alcoholics Anonymous 1967, 1968b). Taking
these two very similar stories, which I concluded were "typical" according to AA beliefs, to be prototypes, and referringback to the 46
published personal accounts, I abstracted a general AA story structure. This general structure included categories such as "first
drink," "negative effects of drinking," "progression of drinking,"
"suggestion (by others) that drinking may be a problem," "denial,"
"attempts to control drinking," "entering AA," "giving AA an honest try," and "becoming sober." After modifying the structure to
account for differences (e.g., some sequences may be repeated; some
categories are optional), the variation that remained could be accounted for as attempts to address specific issues, agendas of particular publications. For example, all the personal stories in the AA
publication "Young People and AA" (1979d) address the issue of
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being a young alcoholic, while all the stories in "AA for the
Woman" (1968a) address the issue of being a woman alcoholic. The
Big Book stories were all longer than those published in pamphlets,
and generally addressed the issue of religious or spiritual beliefs and
AA.
I tested the structure I arrived at by reading an additional 44 personal stories published in seven other AA pamphlets. Twenty-two
of these fit the general structure very well (Alcoholics Anonymous
1976b, 1979b). The remaining 22 were variations of this structure.
Of these, two biographical sketches (1975) and one case study
(1961) were written in the third person; that is, these stories are biographical rather than autobiographical. Nineteen accounts (some
fictional, some actual) focused on one particular aspect of the teller's
story, such as young people believing that they are too young to be
alcoholics (1979c), men and women telling how drinking got them
into prison (1979a), and some AA members telling how they deal
with taking (or not taking) prescription medications and other
drugs that may be "mood altering" (1984a).
I compared the stories I heard told in AA discussion and speakers'
meetings to the stories in the literature, and found that, overall,
these stories also fit the structure quite well, with two qualifications.
First, some of the stories in the discussion meetings were short versions-either telescoped accounts of a drinking history or pieces of
drinking history used in order to make a particular point, as discussed above. Second, I attended four speakers' meetings and found
that three of these speakers had stories that closely followed the
structure. The fourth had events, episodes, and interpretations
clearly matching AA beliefs, but he did not present them in chronological order; rather, he told episodes illustrating various points
about his drinking and his life. His interpretations and choice of
events matched the AA model in all ways except the order in which
they were told.
I applied the same analysis to the narratives recorded in interviews, and compared these narratives to the stories told in meetings
and published in the AA literature. The findings suggest that, over
time, the individual learns to tell his drinking history according to
the AA structure, and as the AA identity is internalized the life story
narrated comes to resemble the prototypic AA story more and more
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
237
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UFE STORY
Career Story
Episode
Episode
Drinking
Episode
Family Story
Story
Episode
Episode
Episode
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
239
ample, those about divorce, career, or illness-may be left out altogether, given as chronologies only and not expanded, or told in
some detail if they are related to the drinking behavior. Sometimes
these episodes are listed as evidence for alcoholism.
The drinking-experience narrative as a bounded unit is named.
AA refers to it as a "personal story." Hank spontaneously referred
to his own narrative as a "drinking story" or a "drinking history,"
and indicated that there are some criteria:
I'm doing this more or less, I'm tryin' to keep this down to drinkin' and nothin'
else. But you know, there was a life.... And I will say that, you know, all this time
there is another life going on. And this, I think, is important.... A lot of time
drinkin' stories look like there's nothin' in life but drinkin', don't you see....
And this is part of the drinking, maybe, history, and I think it is. I need to bring it
in.
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lived that way. The other two times that I was in, you know, it was something like,
you know, makin' my own decisions and writing my own program. But this time,
I decided that, you know, I was gonna do it. . .that way. And, and part of it is
realizing that, you know, from the very beginning, that I'm powerlessoverit, that
there'snothingI candoaboutmydrinking.
disease.AndI cansee theprogresEllen: So, everyone says, you know, it's a progressive
sion,howI wentfrombadto worse,whenever I try to relate my story.
I swear, from that day on, for the next two, almost three years, I was high every
day. And after about a month I realized that this is somethingthatI couldn'tstop.It's
gettingoutof hand,because I would wake up in the morning... I'd go to bed at night
and I'd make sure I had the dope in the morning to get up with.
On the other hand, Ellen's narrative also contains sections interpreted in ways other than those common in AA, sometimes in opposition to certain AA propositions. For example, she makes a distinction between different types of addiction, a distinction AA does
not make:
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
241
And I know, I realize that marijuana is not physically addicting, but for me it was
very psychologically addicting.
In another place, she tells about a "slip," but minimizes its importance, in opposition to the AA belief that a single drink (or joint)
can lead to the previous drinking or using lifestyle.
I told God and myself I would, if I ever get that baby back, I would never do anything like that ... again. And so, I haven't. I, I smoked a joint at [psychiatric hospital], but I haven't gotten back into that lifestyle that, that I was at that point.
And I don't want to. When I smoked that joint, I think I did it mostly to see if I
still got high, what it was like, and anything like that. It really didn't do much for
me.
These two examples show that Ellen has not yet arrived at a final,
finished, version of her story. The second example reflects another
important aspect of Ellen's life. Two years before this interview, she
was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic-the result, her doctors
said, of her heavy drug use. In this passage she interprets her actions
as the result of her paranoid thought system, although she seems
unsure of this interpretation. The passage illustrates a process she
is still going through of deciding which version of events to choose.
In addition to the incorporation of AA propositions into Ellen's
and Hank's narratives, there are also verbal markers that reinterpretation of the past has occurred. Hank's is the most fully reinterpreted life of the three interview narratives. He compares the way
he now understands his past drinking behavior, and behavior in
general, to what he understood about it at the time.
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PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
243
been internalized, the extent to which the drinking-experience narrative resembles the AA story structure, and the salience of the AA
identity to the individual. Hank had been in AA for the longest time,
and the identity of AA alcoholic was very prominent in his self-understanding as indicated by his responses on the twenty-statements
interview. Of the thirteen responses he gave to the question "Who
am I?" six (46%), including the first three, referred to his identity
as an alcoholic or his participation in AA. These were: (1) "I am a
recovering alcoholic"; (2) "14 years sober"; (3) "drinking history20 years or better"; (10) "spend quite a bit of time in AA service
work"; (12) "love to talk to school and university classes [about alcoholism and AA]"; and (13) "man on AA hotline in my home (8
years)". His other seven responses referred to family and career.
Ellen's responses to the question "Who am I?" reflected that she
is in the process of internalizing the AA identity as a prominent part
of her self-understanding, but has not done so to the extent that
Hank has. Of eleven responses, two (18%) related directly to this
identity, and these were placed within the first four responses. They
were (3) "ex-drug addict" and (4) "sober." Her other responses referred to social and personality traits (e.g., [1] "woman," [2]
"mother," [9] "bride"; and [5] "social," [7] "outgoing," [8] "people pleaser."
In contrast, Andrew gave 20 responses to the question "Who am
I?" Only one (5%) of these related to the AA identity. This one response, his thirteenth, was "non-drinker." The response preceding
this was "non-smoker." His first response was his full name. The
remainder dealt mainly with work and avocations ([2] "dishwasher," [3] "composer," [4] "performer," [5] "cook," [18]
"writer"), and with his current living situation and his dissatisfaction with it ([7] "product of divorce," [8] "single," [9] "under-employed," [10] "unhappy with living arrangement," [11] "overweight," [14] "disappointed with locale," [15] "no children/wife,"
[20] "alone"). These results support the conclusion that there is a
relationship between the extent of internalization and prominence
of the AA alcoholic identity, and the extent to which the drinkingexperience narrative resembles the AA story structure.
Comparison of the stories told in various settings with one another
and with the published AA stories indicates that the form of one's
personal story changes over time as one internalizes and becomes
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PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
245
What happens when an AA member fails to acquire this new understanding of himself and of his life? The example of Andrew suggests that such people may be those for whom AA does not workthe unsuccessful AA members. Andrew has accepted the label of
"alcoholic," and the idea of alcoholism as a disease, but has not accepted the AA identity, with its interpretation of what this means.
He views AA as a measure to take when things get really bad. He
does not share the set of values and distinctions that unite other AA
members. The identity of "alcoholic" does not affect his actions, or
his perceptions of self, beyond his drinking behavior. Andrew has
never stayed in AA for more than one year, although he has been in
treatment for alcoholism four times, and in and out of AA at least
three times.
A follow-up with Hank and Andrew further supports this interpretation of the importance of acquiring the AA identity. Two years
after the original interviews, Hank remained sober and active in AA.
Although a stroke had made it necessary for him to decrease his participation in activities, Alcoholics Anonymous held a central and
important place in his life. He spoke to me at length about the role
of speaking in AA, and what speaking in meetings does for members.
Andrew had left the AA program within a month of the first interview. Two years later I spoke with him again at a community
soup kitchen where he had come for lunch. He told me he had been
"hittin' it [the bottle] pretty hard" and was in bad shape. He recounted how he had used the death of his mother as an excuse to go
on a drinking binge, "though, if it's a disease, I guess you don't need
an excuse," he said. He had lost his job as a cab driver, in part because one night, while a customer went into a liquor store, Andrew
also went in and made a purchase. Now unemployed, he was about
to be evicted from his apartment because he was unable to pay the
rent. I asked him what plans he had. He said he would take a job as
a dishwasher, but he thought he needed to take some time off to get
"straightened out" before he took another job. He told me he
planned to either check himself into a detoxification and treatment
center or get back into the AA program and start attending meetings
again. "Anyway, I 'm gonna go today and tomorrow... I'm gonna
drink today and tomorrow. Sort of a binge, though I don't know if
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you'd call it a binge. Then after that, Saturday I'm gonna go back
to the program, start meetings."
The implications of this for alcoholism treatment is a topic for further research. A comparison of the outcomes of treatment programs
that treat alcoholism as a disease only, which treat the physical aspects of alcohol abuse without transforming the drinker's identity,
with treatment programs like AA, which are also cultural systems,
may be illuminating. However, if it is found that the perceptions of
self learned in AA are important for an "alcoholic" to maintain sobriety, before such findings are applied, the ethical issues involved
in transforminga person's identity, in taking away his perception of
self as "normal" and replacing it with an identity that is stigmatized, must be considered.
NOTES
For the rich data this paper draws upon I owe thanks to all the members
Acknowledgments.
of the AA groups I attended, and especially to Ellen, Hank, and Andrew, for allowing me to
participate, and for sharing something of themselves and their lives with me. My understanding of the process of identity acquisition has developed through many hours of discussion with
Dorothy Holland, Renee Prillaman, and Debra Skinner. This paper has benefited from the
comments of these individuals, as well as Alan Benjamin, Robert Daniels, Sue Estroff,Jean
Harris,John Peterson, and Bob S.
'Fieldwork was carried out in a small city in North Carolina, between June 1985 and
March 1986. During this period I attended open meetings of three separate AA groups. Members of AA are also members of the larger community, and most prefer that their involvement
in AA remain anonymous. "Our anonymity, like our sobriety, is a precious possession," I
was reminded in a statement that was added to the body of material read at each meeting of
one group after I started attending. To respect the anonymity that is a basic principle of Alcoholics Anonymous, I have tried to disguise the identities of all those I mention. This means
first that I have used pseudonyms; nowhere do I referto any AA members by their real names.
Furthermore, I have tried to disguise or drop irrelevant information that might identify a
person. For example, some individuals may be referredto by their correct sex, some may not.
I have tried to avoid identifying information such as occupation or age if this is not directly
relevant.
2These two aspects are analytical distinctions, and should not be understood as requirements for membership. Officially, the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
drinking.
3The idea of the "marker behavior" originates in William Labov's analysis of linguistic
change. He describes how, as a sound change spreads and becomes the norm that defines the
speech community, all the members of that community react to its use in a uniform manner,
although they may not be aware of it. "The variable is now a marker, and begins to show
stylistic variation" (Labov 1972:535).
4Examples presented in the remainder of this paper come from meetings and interviews.
Where I present excerpts from interviews I have worked from transcriptions of tapes. Notetaking or tape-recording during meetings would be inappropriate, so excerpts presented as
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
247
quotations from meetings are reconstructions taken from notes I wrote up after each meeting.
However, I believe the reconstructions to be fairly close to the original, and I have tried to
capture both what was said and the contours of how it was said.
5In choosing my examples from interviews, I have tried to protect the confidentiality of the
AA members I spoke with. I have tried to select sections that do not include information that
could identify the speaker to an outsider. Similarly, in the examples I draw from meetings, I
have tried to avoid information by which an outsider might be able to recognize an individual.
The problem of preserving confidentiality of members to other members is more difficult. Of
course, much of the information is known to other members already, and so, while it is possible that a quote or detail will be enough to identify one member to another, it is unlikely
that this would be new information. On the other hand, some of the information from the
interviews may not be known by other members. I have tried to keep information where I
suspect that this may be the case out of this paper.
6Forty-five minutes is also the average, or approximate length of personal stories told in
speakers' meetings.
7Many of the ideas presented here on the structure of the life story and on the life story as
a mediating device have developed through discussion with participants in the seminar "Cognitive and Symbolic Approaches to Life Histories" taught by Dorothy Holland and James
Peacock at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, fall 1985.
APPENDIX
SYNOPSES OF DRINKING-EXPERIENCE
INTERVIEWS
1. Narrator: Hank has been sober in AA for over 14 years since his last period of
drinking. He was in AA twice before that, for several years each time before he
started drinking again. Now he is very active in AA, "Twelfth-Stepping" (talking
one-on-one to people who think they might have a drinking problem, telling them
about the AA program) and speaking at schools or to other groups about AA.
Synopsis: Hank begins his narration with an orientation in which he says who he
is: a person who wants to educate young people about alcoholism because of his
own experiences. When he started drinking he knew nothing about alcohol, since
no information about it was available then.
He describes the kind of person he was before he started drinking, a man who
led a decent life, was involved in church, YMCA, Boy Scouts, and held a good job.
He "went all for" alcohol with his first drink, and within two years, was having
trouble with alcohol. He began to take morning drinks, and spread drinks throughout the day, every day, to avoid "ups and downs." At this point, drinking actually
helped him work longer hours, rather than interfering with his work. Although people confronted him about drinking during work, they never pushed the issue because he was still working well. Hank never denied drinking, but covered up the
amounts he drank.
He began to have serious physical effects from drinking, and was taken to the
hospital several times, but no one ever told him that these effects were the result of
drinking. When he did overhear one doctor tell a nurse that nothing could be done
for him until he stopped drinking, Hank never went back to that doctor. Eventually, when he was in the service, he was caught drinking on the job, and had to cut
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back on the amounts he drank. As soon as he got out of the service, his drinking
went back to the previous amounts.
During this time, he seldom got really drunk, but he describes how he would
organize most of his life around drinking. Drinking began to cause serious problems
in his life: a separation and divorce, periods where he would take off from home
and stay gone for days or weeks. Things went downhill. His family attempted to
have him put into a mental hospital, but he dodged that by taking off for Florida.
There, he got a part-timejob, and worked just enough to buy alcohol and pay for
a cheap hotel room and a little food. One morning he found he could not get up for
work, even after several drinks. He stayed home for three days before he could get
out. When he did get up, he found AA, although he cannot remember how he knew
where to go. He had to stop drinking because he had reached a point where he was
unable to work enough to buy alcohol. From the morning he contacted AA, he did
not drink again for over five years.
Life improved, he got himself into better shape and got back together with his
wife. After several years, the marriage broke up again, and in anger with his wife,
he went back to drinking for another five years. He again reached a point where he
had to do something about his drinking, and started back in AA. This time he went
six years without a drink. Problems in his life, and the death of his two sons led to
the beginning of his third period of drinking. He began to drink really heavily when
his second wife died.
He states that this period of drinking almost killed him. He went into a deep
depression for which he was hospitalized. He continued to drink enough to get him
in trouble for some time, until he reached a point where he felt that nothing was
going to save him. It was at that point that he reentered AA, 14 years before this
interview. "AA has been my life ever since."
At this point the narrative switches to life since then. He contrasts the way people
now rely on him for decision making, advice, and support, with how his family and
doctors once had plans to have him "put away," and how he was institutionalized
36 different times. He states that at the beginning of this period in AA he decided
that if he was going to live, he would have to "take the AA program, its directions,
and live it."
This time I decided,you know,I was gonnado it... that way. And, and partof it is, is realizingthat,you know,fromthe verybeginningthat I'm powerlessoverit."
In the rest of the narrative Hank tells about different ways he has been involved in
AA and about different people he has helped become sober, and how they have
recovered.
[Two years after the initial interview I had the opportunity to visit Hank once
again. He had had a stroke, which had forced him to curtail his activities somewhat,
but he remained heavily involved with AA, and had extended his period of sobriety
to over sixteen years since his last drink.]
2. Narrator:Ellen has been in AA two years. The problems which led to her coming to AA had more to do with drug use than alcohol.
Synopsis:Ellen begins her narrative by stating that she should have realized that
she had a problem when she was in high school. She tells how she had problems
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
249
with drinking, blackouts, but since she was a good student and involved in many
extracurricularschool activities, and since she only drank on weekends, she never
thought she might be an alcoholic. She came in contact with drugs at boarding
school. She describes how she started to smoke dope, and soon was smoking it several times a day, every day. Still, she would control her use of it when she came
home. Then, after a series of events which caused her to be angry with her parents,
she began to use drugs and alcohol as a way to "get them." Her use of marijuana
progressed:
I swear,fromthat day on, for the next two, almostthreeyears, I was high everyday. And
afterabouta monthI realizedthat this is somethingthat I couldn'tstop. It's gettingout of
hand, because I would wake up in the morning... I'd go to bed at night and I'd make sure
I had the dope in the morning to get up with. And I know, I realize that marijuana is not
physically addicting, but for me it was very psychologically addicting. I neededthat.
A series of events led to her leaving home and driving to Florida, where she lived
on the street for several months. During this time she stopped drinking, but was
smoking much more marijuana. Her drug use progressed, and she started to use
acid and speed. She began to experience paranoid and strange thoughts. Some
really bad things were happening to her as a result of her living on the street and
her heavy use of drugs.
She left the street in Florida and tried to go to college, where she had previously
been accepted, but she continued to use drugs. She describes the negative effects:
constant confusion, inability to study, hallucinations. During one school vacation
her drug use escalated dramatically, and she was using acid, cocaine, speed, and
dope on top of the tranquilizers prescribed by her doctor. When she went back to
school, she left campus and again started living on the street. She describes the
things that were happening to her, and that she was doing, as "insane." Finally,
the school notified her parents that she had not been at school for several weeks.
Her father came to get her and placed her in a treatment center in another state.
She vividly describes the hallucinations she was having on the airplane flight to this
center. Once there, she went into a deep depression.
When she was discharged she tried to stop using drugs, and for a while things
improved. She got a job and went back to college, but then she started to use the
drugs again. Once more she left school and was living on the street. After more
negative effects, she found herself in a situation she thought she would never be in:
And things ... were happening that . . . growing up, I had no idea that . . . those kinds of
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Her turning point came when members of the hospital staff told her that the baby
would be taken from her. She decided that, if she could get the baby back, she
would not drink or use drugs anymore. She entered the AA program, and except
for one "slip" about three weeks before this interview (she smoked one joint, which
did not lead to more), has been sober since.
[Not included in her drinking-history narrative, but related to me in a separate
part of the interview, is the information that she has continued to experience hallucinations and paranoid delusions periodically, and has been hospitalized with
schizophrenia at times since entering AA, most recently, just a month before this
interview. She finds that AA meetings often help her deal with many of the problems she faces in day-to-day life, by other members providing concrete suggestions
or new ideas, and by putting her present problems into perspective.]
3. Narrator:Andrew first came into contact with AA 22 years before this interview,
when he thought he was going into DTs. He went to one meeting at that time, and
felt that he did not belong. He felt unwelcome. Since then, he has been in treatment
at alcohol rehabilitation units four times. The first time he stayed sober for three
months, then started drinking again. Two years ago, he came back into AA through
another treatment program. He stayed sober and in the AA program for almost one
year. After an episode at a meeting in which he felt that his confidentiality had been
betrayed, he left AA and started drinking again. Eventually he came back, and had
been in AA for seven weeks at the time of this interview. He considers himself an
"alcoholic," and characterizes his past drinking as "asocial." He thinks AA is a
good program, and that it is helping him, but that probably it is not necessary to
stay in AA for the rest of one's life.
I thinkin some sense it is a brainwashingprogram.Uh, no matter,if that is the case, you
probablyget out of AA whatyou put into it. I don'tknowhoweffectiveit is, but it's working
forme.
Synopsis:Andrew does not have a drinking-experience narrative in the sense that
Hank and Ellen do. My opening question, a request for him to tell me about his
experiences drinking, prompted the following reply:
I tookmyfirstdrink,thatI recall,at age twelve.It wasverypleasant.And I... at thattime,
didnotenjoythetasteof it. I enjoyedthesmellof it. And,um, I enjoyedtheeffectsverymuch.
And . . . did not have another... I got drunk the first time I drank. I did not have anything
else to drink until I was about fourteen years old. Usually around holidays, my parents would
let me drink wine, beer. When I was sixteen, I began to drink regularly, with my parents'
permission . . . just as long as I paid for it. I enjoyed it. What else?
I asked what experiences led up to his first contact with AA. He told me he
thought he might be going into DTs after heavy drinking every day and every night
for two weeks. His father wanted him to go to AA, but it was only when he thought
he was going into DTs that he contacted AA. He went to a hospital first. A few days
later, he went to a meeting and was not impressed by what he saw. He didn't come
back for 20 years, he told me. Then, as an afterthought, he recalled that, "come to
think of it," he had gone into treatment one time ten years after his first AA meet-
PERSONALSTORIESIN ALCOHOLICSANONYMOUS
251
ing. I asked what led up to that. He answered, "DTs." I asked him to describe
them. He described the hallucinations and visions he had.
I asked him what had made him uncomfortable about the AA meeting he first
attended, and he described the differences between himself and the others present
at that meeting. He went on to give a chronology of the periods of treatment, sobriety, and drinking of the next 22 years, but did not describe his drinking, or offer
any explanation for why he went for treatment when he did, or why he started
drinking when he did. I asked about specific events that led him to drink each time.
He told me he could only think of one-the episode in which he felt his confidentiality had been betrayed in AA. I asked him what he thought of AA. He answered
with the response quoted above. He said he comes to AA for the "program" (the
Twelve Steps) and has been going to meetings once a day. I asked him to tell me
how he decided to stop drinking this time. He responded:
I reallygot sickand tiredof beingsickand tired.... Put it this way, I had beenaware,you
know,awareof whatwas makingme feelbad.And hadbeenwantingto quit,andwas aware
thatif I quiton my own, that that wouldnot be successful.Mightlast a week,it mightlast,
maybesix months,youknow.... But,oh, Ijust.... Well,I haddecidedjust to quitdrinking,
and I was goingto sortof soberup, and thengo to AA. But, uh, forsomereason,I went to,
maybethreeor fourmeetings,uh, whileI was not completelysober.MaybeI hadalcoholon
my breath.I was not drunk.Um, I foundthem,this time,veryaccepting.Notjudgmental.
So then.... I don'tknowif I've answeredyou how I quitdrinking.
I asked how his friends and family had reacted when he quit drinking. He said they
were pleased, that they had been worried, for health reasons, but that if he decided
to take a drink, he didn't think they would say anything. I asked him to characterize
his drinking. He said he would characterize his drinking as "asocial" and himself
as "a heavy drinker." I asked him to elaborate. He said he preferredto drink alone,
and that at the point when he quit, he was drinking about a fifth-and-a-half a day.
For the rest of the interview we talked about his life now, and his plans for the
future.
[Andrew left the AA program less than a month after this interview was conducted. Over the next four years he had periodic episodes of heavy drinking, leading to his being fired from his job and evicted from his apartment, and to physical
effects on his health. At times, his drinking has gotten bad enough to lead him to
the conclusion that he needed to get "straightened out," either in a detox and treatment center, or in AA. (See the section on the follow-up, in Summary and Implications.) At the time of this writing, I do not know whether he did receive treatment
or return to AA, but I do have evidence that at other times since the initial interview
he has been doing better.]
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