A SURPRISINGLY POINTLESS BOOK FOR GROWN-UPS

F**K
UP
THIS
*
BOOK
Destruc
tive
therapy
to make
you
feel good
!

(...not your life)

FRED CALHOUN

* recommended for grown-ups with mild to moderate existential angst

About the Author

Fred Calhoun is a novelis
t, footballer and
adventurer. His list of suc
cessfu l ventures and
achievements is too ext
ensive to list here. No,
hang on, these are his
fantasy answers from
p27.
In reality, the author ear
ns a crust worki ng in
publishing and has a lov
ely family and two dogs,
both of whom seem to
like him more
than most people do.
He admits he cou ld proba
bly use some therapy but
is too tight to pay for it.
So he decided to write
this book for anyone wh
o feels the same way but
needs to let off a little
steam from time to tim
e.

F**K UP
THIS BOOK
(...not your life)*
A surprisingly pointless Book
for Grown-ups

Fred Calhoun

* RECOMMENDED for grown-ups with

mild to moderate existential angst

BL ACK & WHITE PUBLISHING

First published 2015

by Black & White Publishing Ltd
29 Ocean Drive, Edinburgh EH6 6JL
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

14 15 16 17

ISBN: 978 1 78530 002 8

Copyright Fred Calhoun 2015

The right of Fred Calhoun to be identified as the author of this

work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced,
stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form, or by
any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or
otherwise, without permission in writing from the publisher.
The publisher has made every reasonable effort to contact
copyright holders of images in this book. Any errors are
inadvertent and anyone who for any reason has not been
contacted is invited to write to the publisher so that a full
acknowledgment can be made in subsequent editions of this work.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available
from the British Library.

Typeset by www.RichardBuddDesign.co.uk
Printed and bound by Scandbook, Sweden

Contents
Introduction

17
1 Work
2 Love & Relationships
39
3 Home Life
69
4 Cars, Driving and Transport 89
5 The Modern World
113
6 Its All About You 141

And Finally... 175

Answers

176

Dedication
To Philip they fuck you up, your mum and dad
Larkin, who opened many eyes to the dark
forces at work in life.
FC

Introduction

F**K UP THIS BOOK (...NOT YOUR LIFE) is the ultimate

activity book for grown-ups of all ages, and is ideal
for anyone with mild to moderate existential angst.
We all have those days, dont we? When the traffic
lights turn red just before we get there and just
too late to step on the gas and sneak through on
orange. And its always the longest light in the
world. Or when the train stops in the middle of
nowhere for an age and for no obvious reason when
were already late for a meeting. Or when everyone
you meet or talk to on a given day pisses you off.
Then you get home and your partner seems intent
on winding you up, or the kids want more stuff, more
food, more things done. Always more. Never enough.
Well, just before you climb all the way to the end
of your tether, consider this. You are now the lucky
owner of F**K UP THIS BOOK, the perfect antidote
to the stresses and strains of the modern world.
Youll get to punch it, kick it, hit it with a hammer,
cut it into pieces (how small is your call), reassess
some of your deepest desires, your deepest fears,
your darkest shadows.
9

And once youve finished exacting a terrible

revenge on this poor innocent book, you will feel
better. You will achieve a new perspective on
your life. You will have a new set of goals for the
future. And you will have a book full of stuff which,
if youve done it properly, you should never, EVER,
show to another living human being. Unless its your
therapist and theres an oath of secrecy.

ENJOY!

10

STATE YOUR NAME (YOU MAY CHOOSE A NOM DE PLUME)

STATE YOUR OCCUPATION

STATE THE OCCUPATION YOUD LIKE TO BE DOING

STATE THE REASON WHY YOURE NOT IN THAT OCCUPATION

ON A SCALE OF 1 to 10 WHERE 1 IS MILD AND 10 IS SEVERE,

STATE YOUR NORMAL LEVEL OF EXISTENTIAL ANGST

STATE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE TRULY CHILLED OUT

(PLACE & DATE)

STATE THE LAST TIME YOU WERE TRULY CHILLED OUT

WITHOUT THE USE OF ALCOHOL, DRUGS OR PRESCRIPTION
MEDICATION (PLACE & DATE)

BEEN A WHILE... ?

OK, ITS TIME TO

F**K
UP
THIS
BOOK

INSTRUCTIONS
1. READ THE QUESTIONS OR INSTRUCTIONS
2. CAREFULLY COMPLETE EACH SECTION
3. ASSESS THE MATERIAL YOU HAVE WRITTEN
4. AH, F**K IT, JUST DO ANYTHING YOU LIKE RULES ARE FOR OTHER PEOPLE...
5. BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT ANYTHING
YOU DO IS AT YOUR OWN RISK AND ANY
INJURY OR UNPLEASANT OR UNFORESEEN
CONSEQUENCE AS A RESULT OF YOUR
ACTIONS IS ENTIRELY YOUR OWN
RESPONSIBILITY. ALWAYS DESTROY
RESPONSIBLY. AND CAREFULLY.

DONT FORGET!
THIS IS YOUR BOOK TO DO WITH AS YOU
PLEASE. ANYTIME YOU FEEL THE NEED TO
HIT, PUNCH, KICK, RIP, TEAR OR VANDALISE
THIS BOOK IN ANY WAY WHATEVER, WHENEVER
ANYTHING HERE IRRITATES YOU, THEN PLEASE
GO FOR IT. IT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

16

Work

HAD A BAD DAY?

OK, LETS GET STRAIGHT DOWN TO IT.
IF YOUVE HAD A SHITTY DAY AT WORK,
GET A SMALL TO MEDIUM SIZED HAMMER
AND SMASH THE CRAP OUT OF THIS
PAGE UNTIL YOU FEEL BETTER.

ME
HIT E!
HER

E
M
T
HI E!
RE
ER
H
E HE
M
HIT
E
M
HIT E!
HER

HIT ME
HERE!

HIT ME
HERE!

ME
HIT E!
HER
Note: try not to
fuck up this book completely
or youll need to buy another one to continue.
On second thoughts do your worst

Work 19

WORK WORK WORK

Write down the three things you love most about
your job...
1.

2.

3.

You can leave this page blank if its not going so well
20

Work

LOVING YOUR JOB?

Write down the three things you HATE most about
your job...
1.

2.

3.

If theres any blank space left on this page then you can move on to
Section 2 if you want to.

Work 21

KEEP YOUR FRIENDS CLOSE,

AND YOUR COLLEAGUES CLOSER

Name the three people at work you dislike most and
say why:
1.
Reason

2.
Reason

3.
Reason

If you need more space for your answers, continue on a

separate sheet of paper, or a large notebook, or a lever arch
file if you work in a big organisation or things are really bad.
Optional: if things are really bad then tear out this page and
either a) jump up and down on it until you feel better or b) rip
it to shreds or c) burn it (carefully and in a control led way that
wont harm people, property or animals.)
22

Work

GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST

What would you like to say to them if there
were no consequences and you could say
what you really think?
1. Dear _______________

2. Dear _______________

3. Dear _______________

Work 23

DOT-TO-DOT FUN?
. . .. ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
..
.
.
.
.
. . . ..
. . ..
.
.
..
..
..
6

13

14

A
T

15

16

18
19
20
21
22

35 33
32
31

23

24

25
26

30

29

28

27

.. . .

17
56 7 8 16
18
9
19
10

..
.
.. .
.
.
.. . .
.. .
.. ..
.
.
.
........ . ..
56

51

34
1 2

55

11

54

15
14

52 53

12

34

36

17

37

11 12

38

7 8

10

.
.. . . .

Complete these dot-to-dot drawings.

20

21
22

13

50

49

45

24

29 28

26

27

O
N

... ...

35

. . .
36

.. . .

. ..
.
.
..

Work

37

25

..

24

. ..

40 39
38

34

3130
3332

44
43
42
41

23

. .

46

48
47

BUT MAYBE NOT FUN FOR?

Assign the name of the colleague youd most like to
use each of them on.
1.

2.

3.

y do
Note: don t actuall

this. Theyre not

worth it.

en thank your
t of this blank th
If youve left mos
own or youre
you work on your
lucky stars. Either
p to work
such a decent grou
really lucky to have
n.
you ca
with . Enjoy it while

Work 25

COLOUR ME IN
Fill in this box in the colour that best
demonstrates your normal mood at work. Feel free
to use hatching or shading as appropriate, or solid
colour if you feel strongly about it.

ME
HIT E!
HER
HIT

ME

ME
HIT RE!
HE

HER

ME
HIT RE!
HE

HIT ME
HERE!

HIT ME
HERE!

ME
HIT E!
HER

26

Work

If you used solid black, go back to page 19 and smash

the crap out of this book with your hammer of choice.
Should make you feel better for a while. If not, consider
seeking medical help or getting another job.
HIT

ME

HER

HIT

WHEN I GROW UP,

I WANT TO BE...
Write down your three biggest work or career
ambitions:
1.

2.

3.

Work 27

ASTRONAUT, PRINCESS,
FIREFIGHTER?
Write down the three things youre least likely to
do in your work/career.
1.

2.

3.

NB If this list matches the last one then its time to come
up with some new goals. Ditto if youre of a certain age and
rock star, Formula 1 driver or supermodel still feature on
your list. Its time to re-evaluate.
28

Work

PICTURE ME HAPPY
Draw a picture of you doing the kind of work you
think would be perfect for you. Please note that
this page is optional if you have:
a) retired
b) work even though you dont have to
c) have recently come into a substantial legacy
d) are a lottery winner (with a minimum winning
ticket of 1m within the last three years)

Work 29

ARE YOU A GENIUS?

Draw a perfect freehand circle here in pen:

ME
HIT E!
HER
HIT

ME

ME
HIT RE!
HE

HER

ME
HIT RE!
HE

HIT ME
HERE!

HIT ME
HERE!

ME
HIT E!
HER

If your circle is perfect, consider giving up your day job and becoming an
artist. You may be a genius. But try and do a really nice painting too and sell
it for proper money before you take this step. If your circle looks
shaky, oval or the ends dont meet, then best stick to
something you can do. If this angers you,
punch this page hard (at your own risk).
30

Work

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

OK, everyone deserves a second chance. Draw
another circle here to see if you can get it right
this time to prove your genius.

If its the same as last time, cheer yourself up by drawing a smiley face in
your circle. Or a grumpy one if you prefer or it will make you happier.

Work 31

BEST DAY EVER!

Describe the best thing thats ever happened to you
in your working life.

Youre sure thats definitely the best thing ever? If, after due
consideration, this maybe isnt all that amazing, describe how this makes
you look. And feel.

32

Work

WRITE SOMETHING HERE

Once upon a time...

Write the first page of your novel here

HE SHADOW...
...IT WAS iN t
Work 33

WRITE SOME MORE HERE

Write the second page of your novel here. If you
havent managed to complete the first page then
maybe its time to get real, give up on this dream
and get on with enjoying the rest of your life?

But dont be too hard on yourself. Everyone thinks they can write but
very little of it is worth reading. And even fewer writers make enough
money to actually live on. They may have artistic satisfaction and the
knowledge that they have, in some small way, left the world a legacy
that may or may not be forgotten in years to come, but hey, so what?
34

Work

MY INCREDIBLY FANTASTIC
NEW BUSINESS IDEA
Youve always wanted to start your own
business? OK, this ones for you. Sell it here
like no-one wants to know... Make it convincing.
Or pretend this page is your bank manager,
whos tighter than a gnats ass, and find a way
to get their attention. Sell the crap out of it.
So, in no more than 100 words, whats your big
idea for a new business?

Work 35

DOING THE BUSINESS

Who needs this product or service?

ME
HIT RE!
HE

ME
HIT RE!
HE

ERE

HIT

H
ME

ME
HIT RE!
HE

HIT ME
HERE!

HIT ME
HERE!

4
4

ME
HIT RE!
HE

5a
5a
5b
5b

yone,
ink of an
h
t
t
n
a
If you c
page up.
beat this

36

Work

ANSWER Yes OR No TO THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:

Are you the best person to deliver it?

Do you have the skills necessary to make this work?

Do your friends and family think youre mad?

Do you love working long hours?

Do you love working long hours for very little

money?

Do you love red tape and filling in forms?

Do you love paying tax even if you dont seem to earn

as much as the taxman is getting?

If youve answered YES to most of these questions then running your

own business really could be for you. Its now time to get a proper
business plan together and beat the shit out of yourself until you
retire or go bust. Please note, however, that you may never be able to
retire because you probably wont have put enough money aside from
your meagre earnings. On the upside, retirement and old age can be
really crap anyway. And working for yourself can be great, despite the
downsides. And if it works out, it will definitely feel good.
Work 37

Summary
WORK AND YOU
If youve completed this section and your copy of
F**K UP THIS BOOK is still mostly in one piece then
you should now know:
If you like your job
If you like any of the people you work with
What sort of other work you might be good at
If you can either draw or write
If you should really be thinking about starting your
own business
ULTIMATE GOAL: if you can make enough money to pay
for everything by doing something you love, then
you may be working but youll never have a job.

38

Work