P 18

Press Pray
Cast
A Desperate Soul
Response

PRESS PRAY
(In the dark, SIRENS, TRAFFIC.
(Lights come up on a house of
worship. The setting is only
suggested: a couple of pews, a
cross -- or other symbol -- warm
multi-colored light splashed in the
from the side and above, as from a
stained-glass window.
(It is an off-hour, no service in
progress.
(MARTIN enters, ducks behind a pew.
The police vehicles seem to pass by.
(He enters further, and whatever his
exact age, appearance, background
and other circumstances, all that is
important right now is that he is
desperate and anxious, a man in some
sort of trouble.
(He clasps his hands together,
kneels or sits, composes himself for
prayer.)
Oh, God.

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

Please listen carefully as this menu has
changed.
(Martin jumps, startled. He looks
around resumes a prayerful posture.)
VOICE FROM
For English press or say
espaol oprima o diga el
other languages press or

ABOVE (CONT'D)
one. Para
dos. For all
say three.

(Martin swallows hard, again looks

around uncertainly.)
VOICE FROM ABOVE (CONT'D)
For English press or say one. Para
espaol oprima o diga el dos. For all
other languages -MARTIN
(Uncertainly) One.

Press Pray 2
VOICE FROM ABOVE
-- press or say three.
One.

One!

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

Thank you for your interest in our
service. If this is a true spiritual
emergency, please stop this prayer and
dial the number on the inside cover of
your hymnal.
(Martin tentatively lifts the hymnal
in the compartment of the pew
before him.)
VOICE FROM ABOVE (CONT'D)
Otherwise, please wait and your prayers
will be answered in the order in which
they were received. At the end of your
prayer you will be asked to respond to a
brief questionnaire. All right, let's
get started. For prayers of Repentance
press or say two. For prayers of
Supplication press or say three. For
prayers of Redemption press or say four.
For prayers of Forgiveness press or say
five. For all other prayers press or say
six.
MARTIN
I guess...Er...Supplic - three.

Three.

VOICE FROM ABOVE

I think you said, Two. Is this correct?
No.

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

I think you said, No. Is this correct?
Yes.

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

Okay, lets try that again. For prayers
of Repentance press or say two. For
prayers of Supplication press or say
three. For prayers -Three.

MARTIN

Press Pray 3
Of Redemption.
Three!

VOICE FROM ABOVE

MARTIN

(He looks around frustrated.)

VOICE FROM ABOVE
-- say four. For prayers of Forgiveness
press or say five. For all other prayers
press or say six.
Three.

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

I think you said, Three. Is this
correct?
Yes.

Correct.

MARTIN
Three.

Yes.

VOICE FROM ABOVE

All right, let me see if I can help you.
You requested prayers of Supplication.
Please say the category for which you are
supplicating. For example, if you are
praying for help with a personal problem,
say Problem. If you are praying for a
material object like a new Lexus, say
Car.
Uh...

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

Im sorry. I did not understand your
answer. Please repeat your answer slowly
and clearly.
MARTIN
Im in trouble, but...nothing...makes
sense...
VOICE FROM ABOVE
I think you said, Vengeance. Is this
correct?
No.

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

I think you said, No. Is this correct?

Press Pray 4
MARTIN

Yes.

PHONE VOICE
Good, because Vengeance is mine. Please
repeat your answer slowly and clearly.
Prob.

Lem.

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

I think you said, Problem. Is this
correct?
Yes.

Correct.

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

Thank you. Let me connect you to that
department.
(Hold music: Pachelbel, Canon in D , but a cheery, hold music version.)
VOICE FROM ABOVE (CONT'D)
Please wait. Your prayer is important to
us. Your prayer will be answered in the
order in which it was received.
(Hold music. Martin taps his
fingers on the pew in front of him.)
VOICE FROM ABOVE (CONT'D)
Were sorry you are still waiting. We
appreciate your patience and look forward
to being of service.
(Hold music.
sits.)

Martin stands up,

VOICE FROM ABOVE (CONT'D)

Thank you for your patience. We
apologize for the inconvenience. Please
state the problem with which you would
like help. For example, if you would
like the Lord to help heal someone who is
sick, you could say, Illness. If you
would like the Lord to aid you in making
a woman who barely knows you exist
interested in you romantically, you could
say, Wingman, or simply, Hard up.
Okay, enough.

MARTIN
I give up.

Press Pray 5
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Im sorry. I was unable to understand
your answer. Will you please state the
problem with which you would like help?
MARTIN
No more menu trees, okay.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Im sorry. I was unable to understand
your answer. Will you please state the
problem with which you would like help?
MARTIN
Er--agent. Representative.
Representative! Elevate!
I'm sorry --

VOICE FROM ABOVE

MARTIN
I said Elevate!
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Ah. (beat) You cant get more elevated
than this.
MARTIN
Aargh. I dont want menu options! I just
want a little help without six lists of
functions.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
I think you said, you want help with
sexual dysfunction. Is this correct?
No!

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

I think you said, No. Is this correct?
Yes.

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

Okay, please restate your problem -MARTIN
It's these menus. Theyre driving me
crazy.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
I think you said, you are experiencing a
mental illness. Is this correct?

Press Pray 6
MARTIN
No. My God! These menus are the most
annoying thing on the planet. In the
universe!
Duh.

VOICE FROM ABOVE

MARTIN
Im so...confused.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
I think you said you are confused. We
regret if the confusion is our fault. I
am having difficulty understanding the
problem with which you want help.
(Martin paces, frustrated,
perplexed.)
VOICE FROM ABOVE (CONT'D)
Are you still there?
Yes.

MARTIN

VOICE FROM ABOVE

Please state your problem slowly and
clearly.
MARTIN
My problem is...I...forget what my
problem is.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
I think you said, you no longer recall
your problem. Is this correct?
MARTIN
Yes, because it has taken so long to get
this far and...you know, just forget it.
Im done.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
I think you said you are finished. Is
this correct?
MARTIN
You can say that again.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
I think you said you are finished. Is
this correct?

Press Pray 7
MARTIN
(Looking upward) Absolutely.

Yes.

VOICE FROM ABOVE

Excellent. We are pleased to have been
of service. Is there anything else we
can help you with today?
MARTIN

NO!

VOICE FROM ABOVE

I think you said, No. Is this correct?
Yes.

No.

MARTIN
I don't know.

VOICE FROM ABOVE

Thank you. Please wait at the end of
this session for a personal message from
God.
(Hold music: Seasonal, if
appropriate.)
VOICE FROM ABOVE (CONT'D)
(Indian accent) Hello, my name is Walter,
and I have a brief message from the Lord
thy God. In an effort to improve the
quality of our service we request that
you participate in a short survey. Are
you ready? All right, lets begin.
Question one: was your prayer answered
promptly and courteously...
Aaargh!

MARTIN

(Holding his head, Martin goes

running out into the street.)
NEW PHONE VOICE
I take that as a No. Thank you.
how else can we provide you with a
wonderful day?

And

(As the liturgical MUSIC SWELLS --)

BLACK OUT.
THE END