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"Abachelorscomplaintofthebehaviourofmarriedpeople"byCharlesLamb

ABACHELORSCOMPLAINTOFTHE
BEHAVIOUROFMARRIEDPEOPLE

Asasingleman,Ihavespentagooddealofmytimeinnotingdowntheinfirmitiesof
MarriedPeople,toconsolemyselfforthosesuperiorpleasures,whichtheytellmeI
havelostbyremainingasIam.
Icannotsaythatthequarrelsofmenandtheirwivesevermadeanygreat
impressionuponme,orhadmuchtendencytostrengthenmeinthoseantisocial
resolutions,whichItookuplongagouponmoresubstantialconsiderations.What
oftenestoffendsmeatthehousesofmarriedpersonswhereIvisit,isanerrorof
quiteadifferentdescriptionitisthattheyaretooloving.
Nottoolovingneither:thatdoesnotexplainmymeaning.Besides,whyshould
thatoffendme?Theveryactofseparatingthemselvesfromtherestoftheworld,to
havethefullerenjoymentofeachotherssociety,impliesthattheypreferoneanother
toalltheworld.
ButwhatIcomplainofis,thattheycarrythispreferencesoundisguisedly,they
perkitupinthefacesofussinglepeoplesoshamelessly,youcannotbeintheir
companyamomentwithoutbeingmadetofeel,bysomeindirecthintoropen
avowal,thatyouarenottheobjectofthispreference.Nowtherearesomethings
whichgivenooffence,whileimpliedortakenforgrantedmerelybutexpressed,
thereismuchoffenceinthem.Ifamanweretoaccostthefirsthomelyfeaturedor
plaindressedyoungwomanofhisacquaintance,andtellherbluntly,thatshewas
nothandsomeorrichenoughforhim,andhecouldnotmarryher,hewoulddeserve
tobekickedforhisillmannersyetnolessisimpliedinthefact,thathavingaccess
andopportunityofputtingthequestiontoher,hehasneveryetthoughtfittodoit.
Theyoungwomanunderstandsthisasclearlyasifitwereputintowordsbutno
reasonableyoungwomanwouldthinkofmakingthisthegroundofaquarrel.Justas
littlerighthaveamarriedcoupletotellmebyspeeches,andlooksthatarescarceless
plainthanspeeches,thatIamnotthehappyman,theladyschoice.Itisenough
thatIknowIamnot:Idonotwantthisperpetualreminding.
Thedisplayofsuperiorknowledgeorrichesmaybemadesufficiently
mortifyingbuttheseadmitofapalliative.Theknowledgewhichisbroughtoutto
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"Abachelorscomplaintofthebehaviourofmarriedpeople"byCharlesLamb

insultme,mayaccidentallyimprovemeandintherichmanshousesandpictures,
hisparksandgardens,Ihaveatemporaryusufructatleast.Butthedisplayof
marriedhappinesshasnoneofthesepalliatives:itisthroughoutpure,
unrecompensed,unqualifiedinsult.
Marriagebyitsbesttitleisamonopoly,andnotoftheleastinvidioussort.Itis
thecunningofmostpossessorsofanyexclusiveprivilegetokeeptheiradvantageas
muchoutofsightaspossible,thattheirlessfavouredneighbours,seeinglittleofthe
benefit,maythelessbedisposedtoquestiontheright.Butthesemarried
monopoliststhrustthemostobnoxiouspartoftheirpatentintoourfaces.
Nothingistomemoredistastefulthanthatentirecomplacencyandsatisfaction
whichbeaminthecountenancesofanewmarriedcouple,inthatofthelady
particularly:ittellsyou,thatherlotisdisposedofinthisworld:thatyoucanhaveno
hopesofher.Itistrue,Ihavenonenorwisheseither,perhaps:butthisisoneof
thosetruthswhichought,asIsaidbefore,tobetakenforgranted,notexpressed.The
excessiveairswhichthosepeoplegivethemselves,foundedontheignoranceofus
unmarriedpeople,wouldbemoreoffensiveiftheywerelessirrational.Wewillallow
themtounderstandthemysteriesbelongingtotheirowncraftbetterthanwewho
havenothadthehappinesstobemadefreeofthecompany:buttheirarroganceis
notcontentwithintheselimits.Ifasinglepersonpresumetoofferhisopinionin
theirpresence,thoughuponthemostindifferentsubject,heisimmediatelysilenced
asanincompetentperson.Nay,ayoungmarriedladyofmyacquaintance,who,the
bestofthejestwas,hadnotchangedherconditionaboveafortnightbefore,ina
questiononwhichIhadthemisfortunetodifferfromher,respectingtheproperest
modeofbreedingoystersfortheLondonmarket,hadtheassurancetoaskwitha
sneer,howsuchanoldBachelorasIcouldpretendtoknowanythingaboutsuch
matters.
ButwhatIhavespokenofhithertoisnothingtotheairswhichthesecreatures
givethemselveswhentheycome,astheygenerallydo,tohavechildren.WhenI
considerhowlittleofararitychildrenare,thateverystreetandblindalleyswarms
withthem,thatthepoorestpeoplecommonlyhavetheminmostabundance,that
therearefewmarriagesthatarenotblestwithatleastoneofthesebargains,how
oftentheyturnoutill,anddefeatthefondhopesoftheirparents,takingtovicious
courses,whichendinpoverty,disgrace,thegallows,&c.Icannotformylifetell
whatcauseforpridetherecanpossiblybeinhavingthem.Iftheywereyoung
phoenixes,indeed,thatwerebornbutoneinayear,theremightbeapretext.But
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whentheyaresocommon
Idonotadverttotheinsolentmeritwhichtheyassumewiththeirhusbandson
theseoccasions.Letthemlooktothat.Butwhywe,whoarenottheirnaturalborn
subjects,shouldbeexpectedtobringourspices,myrrh,andincense,ourtribute
andhomageofadmiration,Idonotsee.
Likeasthearrowsinthehandofthegiant,evensoaretheyoungchildren:so
saystheexcellentofficeinourPrayerbookappointedforthechurchingofwomen.
Happyisthemanthathathhisquiverfullofthem:SosayIbutthendontlethim
dischargehisquiveruponusthatareweaponlessletthembearrows,butnottogall
andstickus.Ihavegenerallyobservedthatthesearrowsaredoubleheaded:they
havetwoforks,tobesuretohitwithoneortheother.Asforinstance,whenyou
comeintoahousewhichisfullofchildren,ifyouhappentotakenonoticeofthem
(youarethinkingofsomethingelse,perhaps,andturnadeafeartotheirinnocent
caresses),youaresetdownasuntractable,morose,ahaterofchildren.Ontheother
hand,ifyoufindthemmorethanusuallyengaging,ifyouaretakenwiththeirpretty
manners,andsetaboutinearnesttorompandplaywiththem,somepretextorother
issuretobefoundforsendingthemoutoftheroom:theyaretoonoisyorboisterous,
orMr.doesnotlikechildren.Withoneorotheroftheseforksthearrowissureto
hityou.
Icouldforgivetheirjealousy,anddispensewithtoyingwiththeirbrats,ifit
givesthemanypainbutIthinkitunreasonabletobecalledupontolovethem,
whereIseenooccasion,toloveawholefamily,perhaps,eight,nine,orten,
indiscriminately,tolovealltheprettydears,becausechildrenaresoengaging.
Iknowthereisaproverb,Loveme,lovemydog:thatisnotalwayssovery
practicable,particularlyifthedogbesetuponyoutoteaseyouorsnapatyouin
sport.Butadog,oralesserthing,anyinanimatesubstance,asakeepsake,awatch
oraring,atree,ortheplacewherewelastpartedwhenmyfriendwentawayupona
longabsence,Icanmakeshifttolove,becauseIlovehim,andanythingthatreminds
meofhimprovideditbeinitsnatureindifferent,andapttoreceivewhateverhue
fancycangiveit.Butchildrenhavearealcharacterandanessentialbeingof
themselves:theyareamiableorunamiableperseImustloveorhatethemasIsee
causeforeither'intheirqualities.Achildsnatureistooseriousathingtoadmitof
itsbeingregardedasamereappendagetoanotherbeing,andtobelovedorhated
accordingly:theystandwithmeupontheirownstock,asmuchasmenandwomen
do.O!butyouwillsay,sureitisanattractiveage,thereissomethinginthetender
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yearsofinfancythatofitselfcharmsus.ThatistheveryreasonwhyIammorenice
aboutthem.Iknowthatasweetchildisthesweetestthinginnature,noteven
exceptingthedelicatecreatureswhichbearthembuttheprettierthekindofathing
is,themoredesirableitisthatitshouldbeprettyofitskind.Onedaisydiffersnot
muchfromanotheringlorybutavioletshouldlookandsmellthedaintiest.Iwas
alwaysrathersqueamishinmywomenandchildren.
Butthisisnottheworst:onemustbeadmittedintotheirfamiliarityatleast,
beforetheycancomplainofinattention.Itimpliesvisits,andsomekindof
intercourse.Butifthehusbandbeamanwithwhomyouhavelivedonafriendly
footingbeforemarriage,ifyoudidnotcomeinonthewifesside,ifyoudidnot
sneakintothehouseinhertrain,butwereanoldfriendinfasthabitsofintimacy
beforetheircourtshipwassomuchasthoughton,lookaboutyouyourtenureis
precariousbeforeatwelvemonthshallrolloveryourhead,youshallfindyourold
friendgraduallygrowcoolandalteredtowardsyou,andatlastseekopportunitiesof
breakingwithyou.Ihavescarceamarriedfriendofmyacquaintance,uponwhose
firmfaithIcanrely,whosefriendshipdidnotcommenceaftertheperiodofhis
marriage.Withsomelimitationstheycanendurethat:butthatthegoodmanshould
havedaredtoenterintoasolemnleagueoffriendshipinwhichtheywerenot
consulted,thoughithappenedbeforetheyknewhim,beforetheythatarenowman
andwifeevermet,thisisintolerabletothem.Everylongfriendship,everyold
authenticintimacy,mustbebroughtintotheirofficetobenewstampedwiththeir
currency,asasovereignPrincecallsinthegoodoldmoneythatwascoinedinsome
reignbeforehewasbornorthoughtof,tobenewmarkedandmintedwiththestamp
ofhisauthority,beforehewillletitpasscurrentintheworld.Youmayguesswhat
luckgenerallybefallssucharustypieceofmetalasIaminthesenewmintings.
Innumerablearethewayswhichtheytaketoinsultandwormyououtoftheir
husbandsconfidence.Laughingatallyousaywithakindofwonder,asifyouwerea
queerkindoffellowthatsaidgoodthings,butanoddity,isoneofthewaysthey
haveaparticularkindofstareforthepurposetillatlastthehusband,whousedto
defertoyourjudgment,andwouldpassoversomeexcrescencesofunderstanding
andmannerforthesakeofageneralveinofobservation(notquitevulgar)whichhe
perceivedinyou,beginstosuspectwhetheryouarenotaltogetherahumorist,a
fellowwellenoughtohaveconsortedwithinhisbachelordays,butnotquiteso
propertobeintroducedtoladies.Thismaybecalledthestaringwayandisthat
whichhasoftenestbeenputinpracticeagainstme.
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Thenthereistheexaggeratingway,orthewayofirony:thatis,wheretheyfind
youanobjectofespecialregardwiththeirhusband,whoisnotsoeasilytobeshaken
fromthelastingattachmentfoundedonesteemwhichhehasconceivedtowardsyou
byneverqualifiedexaggerationstocryupallthatyousayordo,tillthegoodman,
whounderstandswellenoughthatitisalldoneincomplimenttohim,growsweary
ofthedebtofgratitudewhichisduetosomuchcandour,andbyrelaxingalittleon
hispart,andtakingdownapegortwoinhisenthusiasm,sinksatlengthtothat
kindlylevelofmoderateesteem,thatdecentaffectionandcomplacentkindness
towardsyou,wheresheherselfcanjoininsympathywithhimwithoutmuchstretch
andviolencetohersincerity.
Anotherway(forthewaystheyhavetoaccomplishsodesirableapurposeare
infinite)is,withakindofinnocentsimplicity,continuallytomistakewhatitwas
whichfirstmadetheirhusbandfondofyou.Ifanesteemforsomethingexcellentin
yourmoralcharacterwasthatwhichrivetedthechainwhichsheistobreak,upon
anyimaginarydiscoveryofawantofpoignancyinyourconversation,shewillcry,I
thought,mydear,youdescribedyourfriend,Mr.asagreatwit.If,ontheother
hand,itwasforsomesupposedcharminyourconversationthathefirstgrewtolike
you,andwascontentforthistooverlooksometriflingirregularitiesinyourmoral
deportment,uponthefirstnoticeofanyofthesesheasreadilyexclaims,This,my
dear,isyourgoodMr..OnegoodladywhomItookthelibertyofexpostulating
withfornotshowingmequitesomuchrespectasIthoughtduetoherhusbandsold
friend,hadthecandourtoconfesstomethatshehadoftenheardMr.speakofme
beforemarriage,andthatshehadconceivedagreatdesiretobeacquaintedwithme,
butthatthesightofmehadverymuchdisappointedherexpectationsforfromher
husbandsrepresentationsofme,shehadformedanotionthatshewastoseeafine,
tall,officerlikelookingman(Iuseherverywords)theveryreverseofwhichproved
tobethetruth.ThiswascandidandIhadthecivilitynottoaskherinreturn,how
shecametopitchuponastandardofpersonalaccomplishmentsforherhusbands
friendswhichdifferedsomuchfromhisownformyfriendsdimensionsasnearas
possibleapproximatetominehestandingfivefeetfiveinhisshoes,inwhichIhave
theadvantageofhimbyabouthalfaninchandhenomorethanmyselfexhibiting
anyindicationsofamartialcharacterinhisairorcountenance.
ThesearesomeofthemortificationswhichIhaveencounteredintheabsurd
attempttovisitattheirhouses.Toenumeratethemallwouldbeavainendeavour:I
shallthereforejustglanceattheverycommonimproprietyofwhichmarriedladies
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areguilty,oftreatingusasifweweretheirhusbands,andvicevers.Imean,when
theyuseuswithfamiliarity,andtheirhusbandswithceremony.Testacea,for
instance,keptmetheothernighttwoorthreehoursbeyondmyusualtimeof
supping,whileshewasfrettingbecauseMr.didnotcomehome,tilltheoysters
wereallspoiled,ratherthanshewouldbeguiltyoftheimpolitenessoftouchingone
inhisabsence.Thiswasreversingthepointofgoodmanners:forceremonyisan
inventiontotakeofftheuneasyfeelingwhichwederivefromknowingourselvesto
belesstheobjectofloveandesteemwithafellowcreaturethansomeotherperson
is.Itendeavourstomakeup,bysuperiorattentionsinlittlepoints,forthatinvidious
preferencewhichitisforcedtodenyinthegreater.HadTestaceakepttheoysters
backforme,andwithstoodherhusbandsimportunitiestogotosupper,shewould
haveactedaccordingtothestrictrulesofpropriety.Iknownoceremonythatladies
areboundtoobservetotheirhusbands,beyondthepointofamodestbehaviourand
decorum:thereforeImustprotestagainstthevicariousgluttonyofCerasia,whoat
herowntablesentawayadishofMorellas,whichIwasapplyingtowithgreatgood
will,toherhusbandattheotherendofthetable,andrecommendedaplateofless
extraordinarygooseberriestomyunweddedpalateintheirstead.NeithercanI
excusethewantonaffrontof.
ButIamwearyofstringingupallmymarriedacquaintancebyRoman
denominations.Letthemamendandchangetheirmanners,orIpromisetorecord
thefulllengthEnglishoftheirnames,totheterrorofallsuchdesperateoffendersin
future.

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