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by J.J. Jones
Friday, 13 December 2013
Lately, I have received a lot of interest and requests for an article on what we refer to as
fundamentals. If youre relatively good with women now, then the importance of having a
solid base to work off of is probably at least somewhat clear to you.
Entering this field, having proper fundamentals should be your first and immediate
concern, before you even attempt to learn anything else. Because if you arent attractive to
women, then you oftentimes wont even get a chance to practice the tactics and techniques that
youre learning.
And, thats what I am going to teach you how to do today: become more instantly attractive to
the women you meet.
Sound hard? Well, getting your fundamentals set is actually fairly straightforward and
uncomplicated. Its one of the reasons why guys should start off going down this path.
And, better yet, there are really not a lot of hard and fast rules either. There are literally
countless ways to up your value via all the different aspects of the basics and fundamentals, so
you can pick and choose what sounds easiest to you at the moment, and work on those things
first. All of what I am about to tell you is completely doable for any guy who is just starting out.
Even if youre brand new to all of this, you can still put these ideas and skills to use and start
commanding womens attention and getting the kind of immediate reactions that you want,
while limiting the shrug-offs and confused glares that women will give you if you dont quite
have your foundation set just yet.
Defining Fundamentals
What exactly do we mean by fundamentals?
Its a pretty sweeping term, and it covers basically everything from your body language to your
voice to the type of clothing you wear and much, much more. Even your male scent (yes, you
can work on this too) falls under what we term fundamentals. A word to really help explain
what we mean when we talk about fundamentals would be presentation. Essentially, it is
how you present yourself to the women you are meeting.
Youve probably heard the term vibe mentioned quite a bit, when we talk about interacting
with a female. Lets take a look at the (informal) definitions of the terms fundamentals and
vibe as taken from:
From Cambridge Dictionaries Online:
fundamentals /fndmentlz/
noun [plural]
the main or most important rules or parts
vibe /vab/
noun
the general mood a person or place seems to have and the way they make you feel
Your fundamentals actually create your vibe. This is why things like dressing to impress,
having presence, giving a girl strong eye contact and being socially calibrated are so vital to
your interactions with women- these things directly affect how you make her feel.
With that out of the way, lets move on to some examples.
Although the following are all important things to consider as rudimentary to your success in
seducing women, Im not really going to delve into these topics in this article:
Clothing / Fashion
Male scent
Voice
Eye Contact
If we did attempt to fully encompass all of those topics at once, it would darned near require us
to write an entire book. We could literally write multiple articles on each of them (and in all
likelihood we will, just not right at this moment).
In this particular article we will be focusing on some of the more intangible assets that you will
need to acquire in order to get women swooning just by your mere presence in the same room.
These are:
1. Your mental state or presence (confidence, charisma, dominance and edginess),
2. Your overall mental skill level (intelligence, vocabulary and mental agility), and;
3. The social calibration that you display.
Each of these things can, and ultimately will at some point, make or break your interactions
with women. This is why you need to be at your peak level on each of those three points, as
they are simply indispensable assets to have in your arsenal of seducers weaponry.
When you get the mental and physical parts down pat, and learn to be socially agile as well, you
will find yourself in a very good place for getting positive reactions from women.
Simply put, the combination of these things is the ultimate seduction package.
Mental Presence
Have you ever overheard a woman talking about
some man she knows, that she thinks is so sexy, and
heard her say the words: I dont know what it is
its just how he carries himself? What she is talking
about is two things:
1. His physical presence (body language)
and
2. His mental presence
This man she is fawning over is a confident,
charismatic individual who in all likelihood has a
bit of an edge to his personality, and it shows in his
movement and his facial expressions. With each
minute gesture, he exudes an air of dominance and
sexiness.
In my last article I talked a bit about how taking risks increases your testosterone levels, in
turn making you bolder and more assertive in your actions. Its a circular concept, as is this one.
Your mental presence will have a direct effect on your body language, just as having strong
posture and operating slowly with controlled movement will fill you with a feeling of power and
confidence.
Try this out:
Assume a stance that will inject you with confidence. Uncross your arms, open your legs, lift up
your chin and your chest, and put your shoulders back. Breathe deeply and calmly. How do you
feel? Do you feel like you are ready to take on the world? Although, its not the world youre
after. Its just a girl, so you should be fine.
Your mental presence is the X factor that makes you a luminary. Its not the expensive jewelry
youre wearing, or the car youre driving or who your friends are. Its this aura of personality
that draws people in and holds their rapt attention. George Clooney taps into this magic stuff at
will - but so does that friend you know that brightens up the dullest party, or the guy at work that
you know with the infectious smile whos rising to the top of your company ever so quickly.
My point here is, this is completely attainable for you. How do you get charisma and mental
presence? As Ricardus mentioned in his 2012 article, The 3 Things to Know If You Want to
Be Charismatic, you will need to:
Show conviction (be convinced of what you are doing, and rid yourself of self-doubt),
Be friendly (treat any and all people as if they are your friend), and;
Dont worry about what people think (about you or your ideas or beliefs).
That is only a portion of the formula. Really, the most important fundamental aspect of having
charisma and presence is your body language (and to a certain degree, your physical
appearance). However, again, what were focusing on in this article is how to add to that, and
really create a powerful, attention-grabbing presence. Additionally, I would add a couple more
things to Ricardus list:
Be positive, engaging and versatile (you should be able to speak to a variety of people
about a variety of topics)
Focused intensity and distracted behavior (have strong opinions, know what you want,
but dont give too much attention to people)
While at first youll be doing all of this with a conscious mind, all it takes is a good bit of
repetition and practice for your mind and body to catch hold of it. Soon, these things will just
come as second nature to you. If you can give off sharp, piercing eye contact and display strong
body language, and marry those skills with everything I outlined for you above, youll be well
on your way to becoming a tractor beam of sexiness, forcing itself into womens souls the very
instant you meet them.
Simple, and to the point. But its kind of lame after she hears it for the 17th time that night.
Now, lets think about this one instead:
How many times does she hear a man say that to her? A great compliment like that shows her a
level of intellect that surpasses all the rest of the bland, boring men that have been approaching
her, and makes you stand out. How do you ramp up your vocabulary? Well, thats really pretty
easy. I use a thesaurus at work at times when I write emails. I cant admit to being a
perfectionist, but my communication skills are something that I take pride in and have always
worked to improve for purposes of both my social life and my professional career.
Another wonderful skill to have in your possession is the ability to be witty and mentally
agile. Your mental agility plays a large part in how socially calibrated you are, as well get into
later.
Being able to think quickly and make a decision and act, as opposed to just reacting, makes you
much more flexible and able to handle situations that normally would be quite difficult.
To be a quick thinker, you will need to work on this constantly. Out of the three things (mental
state/presence, mental skill and social calibration), this is the hardest one to master. One of the
most important things you can do to learn how to deal with immediately-presented situations
that call for your action, has to do with your ability to be calm in these situations.
You have to realize that not every stressful situation is the same, and theres no template of
reaction that you can just use as a default response when you need to. You are going to have to
improvise at some point or another. So train yourself to quiet down mentally when one of lifes
curveballs comes hurling at you.
Like any learned behavior, it requires a lot of repetition. So, youre not going to morph into
James Bond overnight. The guys you see batting .300-plus in the major leagues have spent
thousands of hours in the batting cage.
You have to learn to focus on what it is youre being presented with. The widespread, seemingly
cultural inability to actually focus on what you need to and train the mind has resulted in a lot of
new diagnoses (ADD, ADHD, AD holy-sh*t-look-at-this-funny-squirrel-video D) and a lot of
pharmaceuticals, but the fact is that you can most definitely make yourself aware of what is going
on right now and take appropriate action to handle the situation.
So now that we know how crucial it is to be mentally prepared, seem intelligent and work
quickly with your mind to become an enchanting figure that women marvel over, lets look at
the final piece to the puzzle:
Social Calibration
Ever heard a girl talking about how she met some guy, and he was totally creepy, and
wondered how you keep from being labeled like that? Well, the answer is pretty simple, and
thankfully, fairly easy to explain.
The underlying issue here is that many of the guys I see who are having trouble with women are
coming at things with the wrong mental model. Theyre approaching women with so much
care and caution as if the women were a ticking time bomb; one itty-bitty mistake and
KABOOM!! Everything is completely ruined
It isnt the mistake you make, its how you follow it up that really matters. Know where peoples
lines are drawn, navigate right up to the edge if you want to, but dont go over them.
The best way to define social calibration is the ability to read and react accordingly in
social environments. You have to be able to read social cues and act accordingly to them.
Again, were overlapping key points here, because it does require a fair bit of mental agility to
become socially calibrated.
A really great reason to train yourself to be socially calibrated is that youll be more at ease with
dealing with people in general because you know what to expect from them and how to act
around them.
Learn what peoples boundaries are, and how close you can get to them without crossing them.
How do you recover when you do push things too far? Do you smooth things over and explain
your side of things and why its unreasonable that theyre upset about it? Are you able to stay
calm, and clarify your intent, or do you get all excited and defensive and just make the situation
worse?
Not only is social calibration about how other people tick, and how to act around them, but also
about knowing what works for you. Do your actions mesh well with your personality? Being
congruent is critical to being socially calibrated. Dont just do something because you saw
Daniel Craig or Sean Connery do it in a 007 flick. If its not your style or congruent to your
personality, youll just end up with a handprint on your cheek or wearing her drink, or both.
Understanding your environment is key also. Context ultimately colors how we interpret social
cues. Telling a dirty joke in a bar is socially acceptable. However, telling the same joke to the
same people (more or less) at church is not going to net a very good reception.
Another good example of understanding your environment is that approaching a woman on
the street during the day will be interpreted differently than approaching the same woman on
the same street at 2 in the morning. You have to be able to take things like this into account, to
help formulate how you are going to interact with her. Weigh all the factors to the equation as
best you can, and use your mentally agile mind to figure out how you need to come off
physically and verbally.
Your environment and the mindset of the people in that environment dictate how you operate
within it. You can still meet plenty of girls at the mall or at the coffee shop, just like you can at
your favorite club, but youll need to tailor your vibe to match theirs. And, their vibe will
depend largely on what surrounds them.
At this point, you probably have a pretty good handle on just exactly how much being
observant, thinking quickly, responding appropriately and knowing where youre at will help
you in social circles and places. But, heres a good rundown for you if any of it didnt stick the
first time:
You must learn how to know what to expect from the other people youre interacting
with.
You need to be able to tailor your words, demeanor and actions to various people or
environments.
Social calibration is an absolute cornerstone to your success with women and dating. People like to
say its just a numbers game; if you talk to hundreds of women, youll get a few of them.
But, the more socially calibrated you are, the more dynamic youll seem to people.
What happens then is you end up getting more women in bed with you, or needing fewer
approaches to find that special girl youve been looking for. Once you become socially aware
and calibrated, youll suddenly stop hitting all those girls creeper buttons, and youll end up
hitting a lot of their G spots instead.
Fundamentals and vibe are not the same. Your vibe is the effect your fundamentals
have on people.
Your mental state and the amount of mental presence you have is huge in creating a
charismatic aura.
Increase your vocabulary to make yourself stand out a bit. Youll impress a ton of
women this way.
Thats a lot of work for you to do, but trust me - its well worth it. Theres miles and miles of
difference between a good looking man with a nice haircut whos passive, shy and awkward and
a good-looking man with a devil-may-care attitude who is quick on his feet and knows how to
charm everyone who surrounds him.
Once you garner all these skills and traits and put them on display, women will start to see you as a
walking sex-symbol, as opposed to just some invisible man who walks past on the street.
So, go ahead go be that walking sex symbol that makes women stop dead in their tracks. I
dont think any womans going to complain if you do.
Until next time,
J.J.
by Chase Amante
Saturday, 27 November 2010
Paying attention to others and measuring and analyzing how they react to you is a dangerous
game. It can lead to all sorts of bad things analysis paralysis, too much of a focus on
reactions and too little of one on results, and attention-seeking and reaction-grabbing behavior to
the extreme.
And yet, monitoring and learning from reactions is an utterly vital habit to get into. Without
reaction analysis, most folks are doomed to low levels of social calibration for life.
Studying Reactions
Most women grow up very closely monitoring and studying the reactions of everyone around
them, and stressing over them. They beat themselves up over minor social faux pas, and fret over
the smallest social detail. Some men do this too as boys but many dont.
One of the ways that life is unfair is that the earlier you start doing something, the easier a time
youll have mastering it and the higher your theoretical ceiling for learning that skill is. The
unfair part is that no one tells you when youre young what the most important things to start
mastering early are; if they did, social calibration would be one of them. Most women edge most
men in having an easier time mastering social calibration, and have a higher possible ceiling
for how socially adept life is, because they start paying attention to subtle social details a lot
earlier.
But, as a man you can catch up! Thats because men tend to logically apply themselves and
consciously figure out underlying rules and modify their behavior in ways that women quite
often dont if they focus on something. The only reason most men come up far short when
measured against women on social calibration and social intuition is that they simply havent
applied themselves the way women have.
So how do you develop social calibration and a sharp social intuition? Focused practice,
reaction analysis, repetition, and experimentation. You must train yourself to be attuned to
how others reaction around you and you must get good at analyzing those reactions.
Im quite glad for it today; because of it, I have an extraordinarily attuned social intuition. But I
dont recommend this approach at all. You cant make focusing on reactions your top priority
heres why:
You become oversensitive to rejection. When your top priority becomes getting good
reactions, any perceived rejection seems a huge defeat. As a result, you become very
conservative in your actions and highly risk avoidant something that will stifle your
progress in meeting women. You need to think in numbers when it comes to
approaching girls, and risk-avoidance will kill your ability to do that.
You devote too much mental energy to details. While I wish I could prescribe adopting
a laser focus on the details of reactions to every man to really develop a strong social
intuition, in reality its quite impractical. The amount of time and obsessing it takes to
really hone ones social calibration to the level women possess and beyond is stultifying;
its far better for you to focus on moving faster with women and persisting with
women than it is to focus on why she said X or what Y facial expression means is going
through her head.
You miss the big picture. Whats seduction all about? Getting a woman to like you as
much as possible or getting her to become intimate with you? Fact is, the men women
like the most are also the men women are most careful not to mess things up around, and
the ones they want to take things very slowly with to avoid losing. Which means,
oftentimes, they wont sleep with men they like too much too soon, and if it doesnt
happen quickly, it often simply wont happen at all.
You dont need a woman to think youre the most amazing man on Earth. You just need
her to like you enough to want to get intimate with you; the rest (dating, relationships,
etc.) you can build from there.
Studying and learning from reactions is good; but you cant make it your sole driving focus, as I
did back in high school and junior high. Its crippling for the soul; and rather than focusing on
moving things forward and getting results, all you end up doing is a small test here and a small
test there and passively studying how people react to you.
If youre trying to get good with women in a hurry, small steps tests and half measures are
not enough.
social circle, for instance. The problem is, women all act and react a little differently in
different situations, and youll get different reactions to different things in different
situations. If youre meeting women across a range of circumstances, however, youll be
exposed to, and forced to adapt to, all these different varieties of reactions, and the more
you see, the more your general social calibration improves and general social
calibration is the type of social calibration most men are badly in need of; its that
underlying sense of what to do in any situation with any reaction. Ultimately, getting
good at meeting women at nightclubs, coffee shops, and parties will make you better at
meeting women at parties than if you focused on just parties alone.
Get diverse friends. Diverse in every way: background, socioeconomic status and class,
nationality, ethnicity, personality. Get some passionate friends and some blas ones. Get
some rich friends and some poverty-line friends. Get some friends who are models, some
who are construction workers, some who are writers, and some who are MDs. By
exposing yourself to a large swatch of different kinds of people and forcing yourself to
learn to interact with all of them, you will develop a far broader and more comprehensive
social intuition than if you spent time principally associating with only one kind of
person.
Push for results. By focusing on results rather than just reactions, youll develop social
calibration and build a social intuition far more quickly and more efficiently than I did
back in high school. When your sole focus is reactions, you can only guess at what an
individual reaction really means; when you push for results when you ask women to sit
with you, give you investment, open up to you, go home with you, get intimate with you
only then do you really know where they stand. Some women whom you might think
are reacting very well might never go home with you; some who dont seem to be
reacting well at all will accompany you home and get intimate with you if you only ask.
The best way to find out what reactions really mean is to push for results.
This studying of reactions from a variety of women in a variety of situations, of having friends
you get to know and interact with with a variety of backgrounds, and of pushing for results
rather than stopping at only studying the reactions themselves without tying those reactions to
outcomes, will accelerate your growth and learning a thousandfold. Youll be able to develop a
strong social intuition and finely tuned social calibration at a rapid clip, and your development
ceiling will be much higher than that of those who interact with only a limited variety of people
in a limited variety of circumstances.
By having both breadth and depth in your scope of learning social calibration, you enable
yourself to learn quickly and deeply.
Social calibration is one of those things you are only sort of vaguely aware you could use more
of when you dont have it. If youre lacking, you wont notice much of the things youre doing
wrong; but as you develop it, the clouds start receding from the sky, and all seems far more
transparent in the world. Your theory of mind starts clicking; you know what other people are
thinking, and can address womens fears and concerns before they even think to voice them. You
know exactly what to say and do to best excite and intrigue that new girl you met; and you
know, of course, how to be cool.
Its one of the most critical, vital, essential things that you learn. So if you arent working on
developing social calibration right now, and you arent learning at all from reactions well
what are you waiting for?
Yours,
Chase Amante
by Colt Williams
Monday, 7 October 2013
You know those people who can just walk into a room and instantly become best friends with
everyone? It seems like they have some secret quality that makes them charming, magnetic,
and completely approachable.
Have you ever wanted to be one of those people? Chances are you have. And I bet you still do.
But Ill let you in on a little secret: its much, much easier than it seems to learn how
to connect with people to anyone and nearly everyone anywhere, anytime,
anyplace.
Today Im going to show you a few simple steps to transform the way you interact with others,
and master connecting with people.
Connecting with people comes about in the most unexpected of situations. But learning how to
adapt to these scenarios and take advantage of opportunities is a hallmark of the ability to
connect.
The dictionary defines connection as the superficial link that you may form with someone in a
given situation.
But I think theres a lot more to connecting with someone than a superficial link. I really enjoy
the business and religious definition of connecting, so thats what I will use.
Connecting: The ability to identify with and relate to people in a way that increases
your influence with them and their influence with you.
A few days ago, I met up with a friend of mine at one of th big bars in town as the night was
wrapping up. He told me that he had two girls with him and wanted to bounce back to my
place, which was nearby (ah, good logistics).
When I arrived at the scene, he had two attractive girls with him, as promised. He was
hemming and hawing about inviting them back, so I decided to condense the nonsense.
However, before I said anything, I noticed that one of the girls was quietly upset. She wasnt
crying or anything, but she looked like someone who had just had the life energy sucked out of
her. So I said:
Me: Hey, My name is Colt. You look like youre a little down. I live nearby, why dont you
and your friend come grab some refreshments, unwind, and well talk about it?
She happily agreed, and on the way there she began telling me her story. I was attentively
listening and delving deeper into her life. Within less than five minutes, she said something
interesting:
Her: Even though Ive known [your friend] for almost four years now, I trust you a lot more
than I trust him. Actually, I trust you more than any of the guys Ive met in a while.
A couple of years ago, this reaction wouldve surprised me. But now, I get it surprisingly
often. We ended up having a deep conversation and spending the whole night up together; and
even though I will probably never see her again, it was a connection that both of us will
remember for quite a while. And if I did see her, we could pick up right where we left off.
That is what connection does for you.
So, I bet youre wondering how you can create moments like this for yourself. Well, there are
three (3) main parts to being able to connect with anyone. Connecting with people is one of
those things thats simple, but does take time if youre just starting. And in order to become
a person who always receives the trust and admiration of strangers, you must master all three of
those main parts.
Humility. Its important that you always remain humble in every social situation, even
if you are a man of high social value. No one ever wants to connect with someone who
boasts about himself or thinks hes better than everyone else.
Genuine Interest. It is 100% impossible to truly connect with someone if you dont
have a genuine interest in who they are or what they have to say. And there definitely
will come times when people will excitedly chat you up about something you could care
less about. There may be times where you will say very little in a conversation. In these
situations you can either cut the conversational thread and try to find something you
both care about, or you can cultivate a stronger sense of
Curiosity. If you want to be able to connect with anyone, you have to be curious about a
lot things (which most people are) and actually act on it (which most people dont). If
you see someone with an interesting necklace on, you can say, Hey, thats a really
unique necklace, I love it! Do you mind telling me more about it?
Developing the habit of acting on your curiosity will allow you have an endless well of topics
to discuss, because you will always be able to ask questions that will get people talking - and
you may even learn a thing or two!
Approachability. You know those people whom you meet one minute, and feel like
youve known for years the next? Those people have a high level of approachability.
If you want to learn this trait, you must learn how to be a warm person. Warm people
tend to be relaxed, have open body language, and have inviting facial expressions,
like vibrant, unforced smiles. You cant learn to connect with people if theyre not
comfortable coming up to you (or having you come up to them).
Mirroring. People only open themselves up during conversation when they see
Third, sum up what people say to you. If someone shares a fact or a story, and you sum up the
key parts/emotions that they just talked about, she will instantly feel like you get her and will
continue to invest in you
Focused eye contact. Eye contact is one of those things that should be emphasized and
talked about more often. The brain sends out tons of relationship-building chemicals when
youre making eye contact with someone. Yet, many people avoid it because it can have that
strong of an effect on you. People who are masters of connection take full advantage of eye
contact and use it to their benefit. So, if youre a guy who struggles with eye contact, try
doing simple exercises like looking at your eyes in the mirror or consciously holding eye
contact with close friends. These small habits will allow you to more consciously make
eye contact in social settings.
Inspiration. Inspiration is something that nearly every writer on this site has talked
about at one point or another (including me, in my first article on Girls Chase). If you want
to connect with people women, bartenders, entrepreneurs, the elderly, anybody
you have to be able to inspire them. If they walk away from conversation with you
thinking, Wow, that guy really got me thinking. I should start making more positive
decisions, you will consistently have a powerful effect on people. I saved this one
for last because it is a culmination of all of the previous traits.
Inspiration is essentially: passion + contagious energy + selflessness.
When youve got people feeling inspired by you, youve got this first component on lock.
Give unique compliments. People never get tired of hearing nice things about
themselves. However, try to go beyond a generic compliment and give someone
something that they arent likely to forget. A woman once wrote my name on a
nametag, and I told her that she couldve penned the declaration of independence with
her handwriting. Turned out she came from a long line of calligraphy masters that
started in the 17th Centuryyou never know what youll discover if you zero in on
something unique.
Offer good advice. Chances are youre an expert in something. So if you learn of a
problem that someone is having that you could offer some key perspective on, this can
go a long, long way. Dont do it in a condescending manner, but say something like, If
you dont mind me offering my opinion, and do feel free to ignore it, maybe you
should People appreciate those who can solve their problems, or at least make them
less hairy for them.
Share. Sharing is caring. Its great advice. Sharing some food or something else that
you have on you even if its small can generate big results. Its not only a great way
to start a conversation, but it makes an incredible first impression as well.
I was once on a train from Thailand to Malaysia. There was a cute Aussie girl who was offering
a bite of some street food that she picked up before the ride. But, everyone refused it for some
strange reason. When she got to me, I told her my first rule of travel: unless it puts you in
danger, always say yes. And then I shared a freestyle with her when I found out it was her
birthday.
These simple acts eventually led to the two of us going on an unforgettable tropical island
adventure togetherso yeah. Share, share, share.
Be giving. I used to have a pair of friends who would take mental notes of one or two
things that people really enjoyed or were passionate about. And every so often out of
the blue they would give someone a gift of his favorite object or food or whatever it
was. Needless to say, these friends were loved by all. Not only was it the act of giving
in itself, but it was also a demonstration of how much they paid attention and a
validation of the people they connected with. This can be a very powerful way of
sparking a connection with someone you hope to meet (maybe a high-profile presenter
visiting your town) or with someone you just connected with (that colleague whom you
hope to build a stronger relationship with).
Learn to be a strong conversationalist. You will never master the art of connection if
you dont learn how to approach people and give them a solid conversation. Its
actually really funny how few people are able to escape mundane conversation. Once
they get past Where are you from? and What do you do? they run out of steam and
start talking about the weather or discussing some other dry-as-bones topic.
If you want to be a good conversationalist, you have to ask interesting questions. Ask
someones opinion on something that matters to you. Ask her what the best part of her life
right now is. Ask what she wants to most improve on in the next couple of months. Questions
like these do two things for you:
1. They are broad questions that elicit a deep answer.
2. They break people out of autopilot and have them take notice of the person
asking them questions.
Help people make connections. A very effective way of connecting with people is
paying it forward. If you meet someone who would really gel with someone else you
know for personal or professional reasons, be sure to connect them. People love being
introduced to other like-minded people without trying. And theyll always remember
who connected them in the first place.
You dont have to be as invested in an interaction or relationship as other people are, but you
do have to have some investment and positive emotional association with the person.
This TED talk is called The Power of Vulnerability. It essentially outlines that people who
allow themselves to be vulnerable:
1. Are more resilient to the challenges of life
2. Have a higher capacity for interpersonal connection
3. Are more empathetic
4. Are generally happier
A lot of men believe that being vulnerable means that you are weak or not masculine. But
really, vulnerability is the exact opposite. Men who are able to connect with people and serve
others realize that there is no way any individual can win the battle of life alone. So once you
overcome your sense of separateness from other people, as Brown put it in the video, you
will be able to unlock new levels of potential and life effectiveness.
So if you want to master the final piece to connecting with people, learn these practices:
Learn to take advantage of the bonding chemical. Oxytocin is the chemical in the
brain that is responsible for the feelings of affection and attachment between people. Its
released when you make eye contact with people. Its released when you hug someone.
Its released in floods in women when they have sex with you (and especially when the
reach orgasm).
Its released when you reach out to people. Every time you share something personal with
someone during a face-to-face interaction, both of your brains release oxytocin. Not only is this
chemical for bonding, it also performs some major healing in your body as well. So being
vulnerable is physically good for you. Understand the power of the bonding chemical and take
this knowledge with you in future interactions.
Share personal details about your life. If someone asks you a mundane question,
spice it up by giving them a thoughtful, deep answer. You dont have to give them your
life story, but get the ball rolling with an honest answer. Dont be afraid to talk about
your weaknesses and shortcomings. This is an easy way to disarm people, because it
shows that youre down-to-earth and just like them. And as you build deeper rapport,
tell relational stories to strengthen your connection with them.
Trust people. Trust is the basis of connection. The easiest way to make yourself a
trustworthy person is to trust others yourself. Obviously, be judicious with whom you
place your confidence, but if you show people that you have faith in them, they will
place a great amount of confidence in you, your thoughts, and your words.
Invest in people. Investment is funny because in seduction, you want to minimize your
level of investment while maximizing a girls level of investment in you. But if you want
to connect with people, you want to keep investment levels pretty equal. At times, youll
want to invest a bit less. And at other times, you want to invest a little bit more.
If people see that you place high value on your relationship with them (not too high, but
reasonable) they will usually respond in kind, and mutually work to build a relationship
through give and take. And as more time passes, this process will only continually
strengthen your connections.
Dont take yourself too seriously. The most secure and well-liked men are able to
laugh at themselves. Humor is a great way to make yourself relatable and a powerful
method for remaining relaxed and poised in nearly any social situation.
Wrapping Up
Connection is about investing in others while being open about yourself. If you can master the
three components that allow you to reach out to people, you will be able to connect with
anyone.
Just remember:
1. Be Selfless
2. Add Value
3. Be Vulnerable
Now go out and be the person everyone wants to connect with. And while youre out doing
that
Carpe diem,
Colt
Matt,
I used to have this exact problem. Sharing with women was something that just didn't come
naturally to me.
And to be honest, even though I do it more often now, I've realized that friendships with girls
are usually a lot more fleeting, so I don't sweat it too much if they don't know everything about
my life.
But the key is to sit down, and consciously give them *one or two good nuggets* every so often.
So, say you had a really bad experience as a kid that you don't tell many people about, you
should say: "I don't really talk about this with many people. But I trust you enough to share this
with you. So, when I was younger..." and you tell them what it is.
But with women, they love psycho-analyzing the WHY. So if you can tie that in, you're gold. I
always tell female friends/girlfriends that I grew up in a family where men were always taught
to be tough, and we didn't really have much physical contact (when we weren't fighting). So i
never really learned how to touch people in a loving way until really recently. And am still
working on it. Which is why I can be standoffish sometimes. So forgive if I'm like that and you
don't get it.
See what I did there? I revealed a *tiny* bit of mystery about myself, tied it to a weakness of
mine, and built empathy by telling them to forgive me if I'm not always physically affectionate.
But I think with women, you always should keep *some* air of mystery. It just makes them
more invested in you if they can't figure you out. And attachment, as we talk about, is almost
entirely dependent on what the other person invests. And it sounds like they've invested a lot.
Just give them those small rewards so that they stay happy. But...even if you do feed them a
little info....it'll just make them wonder more ;)
And I'm not saying that this is the case with you, but if there ever comes a time when you want
to hook up with a friend, it's easier if you're this "knows everything about me but still a
mystery" guy vs. "Oh Matt! I know him inside and out!" Feel me?
I hope this helped Matt! Thanks for the comment and thanks for the love!
-Co
Yesterday, I got into an elevator where I found a really cute girl with an electric scooter. Most
people just park their scooters downstairs, so I found it odd shed brought hers with her. Youre
bringing it with you! I commented. She giggled pretty hard.
Why didnt you leave your scooter downstairs, I asked. Afraid someone will take it?
She laughed again, but seemed not to understand. One of the problems of living in a foreign
country is that sometimes people just dont have any idea what youre talking about. I decided
to try again. Your scooter, I said, pointing to it. Why are you taking it upstairs? Again, she
just giggled and shook her head.
Are you scared someone will take it? Steal it? I pressed, trying to be as simple as possible. She
still didnt understand, and we reached her floor and she said bye bye and waved and got off.
I instantly, as I am wont to do, performed a post-mortem on the interaction. She gave me a big
smile, laughed, at least seemed mildly receptive, and from experience I know in general that
most girls just flat out like me. So how come I didnt get anywhere with this one? And almost
instantly it came to me I got hung up on a topic.
Getting hung up on topics is one of those things Im always careful about telling students I
coach to avoid, because its one of those insidious little things that has a huge impact but is
well nigh invisible to the average man. Most men dont realize that getting hung up on a topic
is bad for their interactions; they just, as I did with that girl in the elevator, keep hammering on
the same topic that wasnt getting a good reaction in the first place, and end up spinning their
wheels and not going anywhere at best, or backsliding at worst.
This is part of adjusting on the fly something I ought to and will at some point write a post on.
Not getting hung up on topics though is probably the most essential verbal element of adjusting
on the fly.
Straightforward, right? Either she didnt hear or didnt understand what the guy said, or
its not something she can relate to or she doesnt want to talk about it.
Now lets take a little bit of a deeper look at each of those. What does each one of them tell
you?
She didnt hear the statement. Unless the guys speaking in a really low voice, this
should tell him that her interest was not piqued by the topic. Try talking to someone you
know in a quiet voice about things that interest them, and things that dont, and take note
of how much they hear of each topic. Youll be surprised to notice that even when youre
talking quietly, people pick up on a lot more of what you say if its something theyre
interested in.
She doesnt relate to the statement. If a guy starts talking about stuff a girl doesnt
relate to, sometimes shell seem not to understand, but its primarily because she
doesnt understand on a relational level. Itd be like if you walked up to a British car
mechanic and started talking to him about agricultural law in French Polynesia.
Hes likely not going to hear or understand because its something completely alien
and utterly uninteresting to him.
She doesnt like the statement. Think about something you dont like. Now
imagine youre in a conversation with a stranger, and that person starts trying to talk
to you about that thing. Youre probably going to give them at least a few, Huh?s
and, Uhhhs as you try your darnedest to avoid thinking and talking about it.
In other words, most of the time when a topic doesnt hook, theres a good reason why, and
pressing on that topic is not going to help. You might be able to press on it and get a
mediocre response, but youre still losing the battle. Pressing here does you no good.
Getting Un-Hung on Topics That Dont Hook
So, weve established that if a topic fails to connect if some topic youre talking about with a
woman just doesnt hit home theres almost always a very good reason why, and pressing the
issue doesnt help. In fact, quite often it hurts.
In that case, what do you do?
Here, the solutions incredibly easy you simply change topics and switch directions. So,
you use a non-hook topic change indicator:
Anyway
Not important.
Doesnt matter.
And start in on your next topic. So, for instance, with my conversation with the girl in the
elevator, Id have stood a much better chance of finding something she understood had I
switched topics than had I kept hammering on the topics of theft and bike, words or
concepts that obviously werent clear.
Ill give you an example of a conversation I had recently that I used this in to good effect:
In addition to helping you quickly switch off bad topics and on to good ones, being aware of this
kind of thing and responsively taking action and adjusting on the fly is itself a very attractive
trait to showcase. You will almost always see an attraction boost, and you will almost always
see women start working harder and putting more effort into an interaction, after you cut
off a bad / boring / unproductive topic without pressing it (as most men are wont to do)
and instead change gears and launch into something different.
Only the most socially adroit individuals do this so if you start doing it, you communicate a
veritable cornucopia of good things about yourself to women. And of course, it keeps you off
spin-your-wheels topics and onto topics that throw you into first gear.
So next time a girl doesnt understand, rather than try to pound the point home, just change
topics. And dont worry, if it was truly something she wanted to talk about shell bring it back
up!
by Chase Amante
Monday, 14 March 2011
Most men who've been studying the social arts a little while come to realize, either consciously
or instinctually, that coming out and telling women things about themselves unasked is an
inferior means of conversing than first being asked for things before telling them. People start to
come to understand the laws of effort and investment intuitively, and they recognize that
another person putting in effort to learn something about them is better than another person
putting in no effort and learning something about them regardless.
Even then, though, this rule a very important social rule often flies under the radar of most
men, and they continue seeking to build rapport with women (or even attempting to force
rapport, you might say) by sharing as much free, unasked for information about themselves as
they can.
I call this "trading information," and view it as one of the vilest, most heinous social crimes
you can commit. It does two things that are positively detrimental to your efforts to be
charming and engaging and delightful and seductive with women, and, after an example of what
many guys do and you ought not to do, I'll explain both of those below. Then, I'm going to
introduce a concept some of you may be familiar with but many are not: baiting, and how you
as a conversationalist can use it to get women vastly more invested in you and your
conversations with them.
She's just met this man, and doesn't care about him yet. Why does she need to know what
he's done with his day, or what he does for work? None of this matters to her; he isn't
someone she sees as a part of her life at this point, or someone she has much interest in,
even if she's somewhat attracted to him; and
By showing but little interest in what she has to say about herself, and quickly turning
the focus to himself so he can tell her about what he's doing and what he does, he's
communicating to her that he really isn't all that interested in her; instead, what he's
primarily interested in is talking about is him.
So, she doesn't much care about him yet, and he's communicating that he doesn't much care
about her and instead wants to tell her about him, a topic she's not really all that interested in.
See how that's setting up most conversations with a death sentence right off the bat?
This is what trading information is all about. It's an awful clumsy approach at getting to know a
girl, though it's based on the best of intentions ("If I tell her stuff about me, she'll know more
about me and like me more, and then she'll want to tell me more about herself!"). Unfortunately,
those great intentions are grounded in a hypothesis that doesn't pan out (the hypothesis that
talking about oneself leads to women feeling connected and revealing more about themselves in
turn). Instead, we want to go the opposite route by using deep diving to find out deep,
personal details about women in a hurry and lead women to become intrigued with us and
probe us for more information, rather than being handed that information unasked, through the
process of baiting.
To get them to chase you and put effort into finding out who you are, and
To come off as a very deep man with many things to say but with whom those things
don't show up until a girl probes for them and asks, thus positioning you as an
extraordinarily deep, mysterious, intriguing man every woman's romantic fantasy.
Notice that nowhere in there are "getting to know you" or "feeling more connected to you" our
primary focuses. That's because people don't really care about getting to know you until they're
sold on you and want to know more about you and how you think and why you do the things
you do, and because people don't feel connected to you because you've told them a lot about
you. People feel connected to you when they've told you a lot about themselves.
Talk less about yourself, and have her talk more about herself. Anything you say about
yourself, make sure it's something she's directly inquired about, or that it directly relates
to what she's shared and helps build the conversation forward. And anything you say
about yourself, make sure to keep it brief.
Those are the underlying principles of successful, engaging conversation, and if you hew closely
to them, you'll do well.
Drop-and-hang is just as useful for general baiting as it is for that particular instance of
being interrupted. It's something you'll use in a conversation with a woman who isn't
asking you much about yourself, or when you've been talking to a woman for a long time
about herself and haven't said anything about yourself in a while. You will basically
come to the natural conclusion of whatever topic you were discussing about herself with
her, and then let the conversation just die naturally. You might end the thread with a
thoughtful, "Hmm," and smile a little bit and let your eyes slide off into the distance
thoughtfully. Then wait a few seconds, and if she still hasn't reengaged, look back at her
and smile warmly as if you're about to start laughing. She might laugh herself at the
awkwardness of the pause in conversation with this guy she likes, and then she'll ask you
something about yourself. "So, you said you were"
Note: you should not use the drop-and-hang early into a conversation with a woman
who's anything short of in love with you and sold on you digging her too. Otherwise,
she'll either auto-reject, feeling like you don't really want to talk to her, or she'll simply
find it easier to exit the conversation than to put in work to move things forward with a
guy she doesn't feel all that connected to or invested in just yet. The drop-and-hang is
for use only with women you've been talking to for a while who are feeling
connected and invested.
Our example for Bait #1 the intriguing statements short on details was our mention of the
man discussing his career who said he's a bit of a photographer, who puts buildings up
downtown as his day job. That's intriguing, and makes a woman want to ask for more
information.
An example for Bait #2 might be a guy who asks a woman where she went to college, then asks
her how she liked it, then why she chose that college, then if she still has any close friends from
school or if she did the typical girl thing of fighting with all her friends and all her friends
becoming enemies by the end of her four years, and just more and more about her and college
until she finally asks, "Where did you go to school?"
An example for Bait #3 might be a guy who has the same conversation as the guy in the Bait #2
example, but the girl just never thinks to ask where he went to school, too engaged in talking
about her own college experience, perhaps, or maybe just not as socially savvy as most other
women. So, once the man has exhausted this thread, he lets it die, then gets a little distracted,
then looks back at the girl and smiles warmly and as though he's about to laugh. She smiles, and
begins wracking her brain for what she can do to get the conversation reengaged, remembering
that she'd been talking a lot about where she went to school but knows nothing about where he
went to school so she asks.
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 23 July
2009
Small talk is one of those things in life that it pays well to be good at -- but also pays equally
well to move beyond as quickly as possible. When you've just met someone new, dwindling on
small talk can be one of the most stultifying "nowhere zones" to end up in. Many a great new
connection has been lost by the conversationalists' inability to move past this sometimes
daunting formality.
So what exactly is small talk, why do we engage in it -- and most of all, how do we get past
it and get to real conversation?
Wikipedia has this to say about small talk:
[S]mall talk is a bonding ritual and a strategy for managing interpersonal distance... it
helps new acquaintances to explore and categorize each other's social position.
In laymen's terms, what that means is that small talk is how we get to know the basic facts
about one another. What's your name? What do you do? Where are you from? all that
is small talk. Small talk's also used by friends, family members, or acquaintances who haven't
seen each other in a little while a way of catching up. How's the job going? How's your
daughter? That's small talk.
And while all that is fine and good, it's feels infinitely better to get beyond small talk and get to
the meat and potatoes of conversing with other people getting to know them better.
Scientific American has even published a podcast here about a recent study with the following
findings by researchers on the happiness level of study participants who engage in different
levels of conversation to different extents:
[T]he happiest participants spent 70 percent more time talking with others than the least happy
people. But more than just measuring amount of time spent talking with others, they also found a
difference in the type of conversation happier folks engage in.
The happiest participants had twice as many substantive conversations and only a third as
how much this girl likes working at the university? Does the girl above really care that this guy
is from Portland? Not likely on either count. The function that small talk provides or is
supposed to provide is as a jumping off point into getting to know each other. But that never
happened in the conversation above.
What went wrong here was that both partners in the above examples missed opportunities to get to
know each other better and build a real conversation (and get past small talk) by getting
personal and delving into meaningful topics instead of staying on superficial levels. How does
one do that? By asking pointed questions to get the other partner in the conversation to divulge
more meaningful and more interesting tidbits and information.
For instance:
After our gentleman notes that he's from Portland, the lady may say:
I've never been to Portland. What's it like, and why did you leave there for here?
What she's done is asked him to tell her some of his story. Why did you leave there for
here? invites him to go into his background. Once he begins relating the details of his life, his
situation, how he came to move to this new town they both find themselves in, suddenly she
knows much more about him and has more to relate to him on and make more interesting and
meaningful conversation on.
Similarly, after she notes that she works at the university, rather than asking the pointless
question of how she likes it, he might say:
Really? My friend works there too. What do you like better, being around college kids all
the time or getting to work in the middle of downtown?
He's given her a couple of interesting options for telling him about what she likes. Now she can
tell him about how she likes being around young people, or what she likes to do downtown.
He's just handed her a few different ideas she can use to branch out in the conversation, rather
than staying on the same boring topic of her job at the university (which she probably doesn't
really want to think about a whole lot in her free time unless of course she sees it as her
calling!). He's also noted that his friend works at the university giving her the opportunity to
ask him who his friend is (maybe they know each other), what she does there, etc.
If you're picking up a trend here, you've got a good eye; in each case, I've given you a few
examples on how people can get to relating to each other better. Because that is what getting
past small talk is really about it's about reaching the point where the two of you are relating
to each other and connecting to each other under mutual understanding.
A failure to get past small talk is a failure to relate to another person.
And that's really all it is. And that's why it feels so awkward. When you're speaking with
someone and you just can't get past small talk, what you know instinctively is that you're just
not relating to her. And she feels the same.
It can be terribly frustrating, especially when both of you want to be relating to each other (and
moving beyond small talk), and it's just not happening. But here's a secret: once you master the
art of getting beyond small talk, you can connect with almost anyone. The reason why is,
most people want to be building new connections with other people, but often don't know how
or aren't very good at it. It only takes one of the people in a conversation to be able to move the
pair past small talk; once you're past it, you're conversing on a deeper level and relating to each
other and conversation flows along far more smoothly and naturally.
So let's go over how to get past small talk, and get you relating to the new people who come
into your life. First, here's one more invaluable piece of info on what connecting to people
really is all about: it's about getting them telling you about themselves.
A really cool study I saw quite recently found that how connected to you a given person feels
has nothing to do with how well that person knows you, and everything to do with how well
that person thinks you know her. Which means that the more she tells you about herself, the
more connected to you she feels. Because of this, when all she's told you is where she's from
and what she does, she doesn't feel connected at all. But once she's begun telling you her
dreams, hopes, passions, motivations, and story, she will begin building that connection more
and more. Helping other people to feel you know and understand them is what relating to
people is all about, and that's what getting past small talk really is.
So without further ado, here are some of the best ways to move past small talk.
Ask the right questions.
Some of the most powerful questions you can ask are:
putting in some work in the conversation, and building a connection. When you get her
thinking about things like what she likes, why she's doing what she's doing, or what else
she could be doing instead, you get her telling you about herself and building that
connection.
3. It moves instantly beyond the trite. How often does she get asked why she decided to
become a photojournalist, or what else she might do instead and why? How many
people are generally interested in what she really likes and wants to do? People love to
talk about themselves, their passions, and their motivations, and when you give them
the chance to do so with you, you've instantly broken past small talk.
Relate to what you hear.
Always try to relate whenever possible to what people tell you. So when someone says, I'm
from Portland, you can say, No way, I have a really good friend from there. It's rare to meet
people from Oregon. How'd you find your way down here? When you let someone know that
you relate something as simple as saying, I've been to that town a few times, or, My friend
can't stop talking about that restaurant, or, I've been trying to get up the nerve to try that sport
forever, you set them at ease and reassure them that they're not talking your ear off about
something you don't care about. It relives the social pressure on them and allows them to relax
and know that you're relating.
Offer more detail.
The number one reason people can't get past small talk? A failure to get enough information to
make conversation on.
When you go back and forth with another person, giving each other near-one-word answers for
each question, the conversation dries up soon. e.g.,
Where are you from? a woman asks a man.
New York. You? he says.
I'm from DC. How do you like New York? she replies.
It's a great town. Ever been there? he asks.
A couple of times. Have you been to DC? she says in turn.
Once or twice, he responds.
There's nowhere to go with that conversation. But if you throw some details in, it starts to look
like this:
Conversation Example
by Chase Amante
Sunday, 6 March 2011
A few weeks back one of the readers here requested I get up an example of how a typical
conversation goes for me with a new woman, and how I engage her. I tried to put a few
conversations to paper over the past few weeks, but each of them was less than a great example
either because the girl engaged me a little too aggressively herself to be all that useful to
beginning and intermediate guys, or because I knew the girl already through social circle so it
wasn't a completely fresh connection, or because there were multiple people involved and I was
juggling other men competing for a woman while I built a connection with her.
So rather than post up one of those messy examples, which might be useful in some ways but
less-than-useful in others, instead I'll put up a made-up example conversation to show how you
can use conversation to engage a girl who's moderately interested. Note that this is all stuff I use
with real women and I've structured the girl's response to reflect how women typically respond
to these conversational topics.
Two things that're definitely not conveyed are expressions and tonality. Think of Sean Connery's
or Pierce Brosnan's self-assured tone and half-smile as they banter with women as James Bond,
or Ryan Reynold's more overt tones and expressions as Van Wilder. I tend to go between these
two styles.
All you need is a moderate level of interest to build a connection. If you have a large amount
of interest from a girl, she'll do all the work. If you have little or no interest, you might be able to
make something happen, but it's going to be tricky and by no means a sure thing. A moderate
level of interest, though, is manageable, so let's run with that.
Example Conversation
Here's how a typical conversation for a guy who's skilled at being a conversationalist and
knowledgeable in the way of deep diving will go. I'll give notes throughout. Let's place our hero
in a lounge in New York City.
Him: I saw you standing here, and I just had to come tell you you have the most striking sense of
style I've seen all day. I'm Joe.
Her: Hi I'm Tina.
Him: Hi Tina. How's your night going?
Her: Okay. How's your night going?
Him: It's going all right. So tell me, New York native or you come from somewhere far away?
So far, pretty standard conversational fare. You can see we start to use more interesting words
and phrasing; you want to capture her interest with your unique choices of words and phrase
structures.
Her: Nope, I'm New York, born and raised.
Him: Ah, all right. So you know all the secret places the tourists and I can only guess about.
Her: Where are you from?
Him: Right now or originally?
She doesn't get to control that frame and claim there are no amazing jobs. There are amazing
jobs; and he's going to show her.
Her: Like what?
Him: Like well, I don't know. If you could do anything else in the world and get paid the same
as what you get paid now, what would you do instead?
He avoids the trap here. Instead of answering, and trying to figure out and list what kind of
job he thinks she will find amazing, he instead throws it back at her and asks her what
she'd rather do instead.
If he started listing jobs, she might very well reply with, "No, that job's not amazing!" or, "That's
not a real job," things like that to defend her position of "There are no amazing jobs" (trust me,
been there plenty of times). So, he chooses not to list examples and instead asks her to do so.
Note the subtlety there: she says there are no amazing jobs, he says there are, she asks what jobs
are amazing, and he asks her what job she'd liked to do in place of what she's doing now. So in
effect, he changes the question: now it's not "Why aren't you doing a job that's amazing?" but
rather "What job would you rather do?"
Her: Hmm, well maybe I would work as a vet.
Him: A veterinarian?
Her: Yeah.
Him: Wow, that's different from being a paralegal. What, you signed up for the wrong school or
something by accident?
Her: [laughs] No, I just thought there was more opportunity to make a better salary in the law.
Him: I see. Think you'll stay in the legal profession forever?
Her: Ehm maybe like five to ten years.
Him: Then what?
Her: I don't know, that's a long time from now. What do you do?
Finds out more about her future plans, and brings up the subject of school to see if she'll talk
about it. She doesn't go into that, but she does let him know that money is the major motivating
factor for her having taken the job she has over the job she would've probably enjoyed more.
Remember that building a connection with a woman is all about getting her to tell you
things she views as personally significant. Her rationale for choosing a job she doesn't like
over a job she does is pretty personally significant, and probably not something she talks about
all that much with all that many people. The combination of its significance and its rarity as a
conversational topic for her make it more impactful in building a stronger connection.
Him: I'm an artist; do some creative stuff.
Her: Like what?
Him: Paint, mostly. Take some photographs. I'd like to get my own studio up.
Her: Really? I love photography.
She's actively seeking to bond with him over his artistic pursuits.
Him: Oh, no way. You take pretty good pictures?
Her: No, I'm terrible! I can't even use a digital camera.
Him: Ah, you can't be that bad! You must have at least some good pictures.
Her: No, really. All my pictures suck!
Him: [laughs] Well, sometime I'll give you some pointers. What else do you do creative?
Rather than challenge her or tease her, as many beginners and intermediate guys may do, he
recognizes vulnerability here in that she sees him as being more advanced than her in a specific
area, and takes the opportunity first to build her up by telling her she must take some good
pictures, then by making a small offer to give pointers at some indeterminate future date. Then,
he rewards her by assuming she's creative (a good quality) and seeks to find out what else she
does.
Her: Not really anything.
Him: There must be something.
Her: No, really! I'm the most uncreative person on Earth.
Him: Well, you do a lot of hard work for a law firm. You've got to get creative to get some of it
done sometimes.
Again, he won't let her win this frame battle. Of course she does something creative. He might
have to get creative himself to paint her as a creative person (in this case, implying that grunt
work at a law firm is creative), but he's doing it to build her up, so it's okay.
If you let a girl "win" by implying she doesn't meet a standard you've set, you lose. You
can't stick around and continue showing as much interest in a girl who's failed your screen. Thus,
you refuse to let her fail and find a way to help her pass. She sees this, and views it as you really
being on her side because you're trying to help her win you over. Does all kinds of good for you.
Her: Maybe. Well, I do draw. More like doodle. Does that count?
Him: Of course. Millions of ways you can be creative.
Her: So do you make money through photography?
Him: No, actually, I'm kind of a struggling artist. I have a day job, which is what I lean on for
the bills, but I don't like being defined that way so I'll always say I'm an artist.
Her: What's your day job?
Him: I manage projects at a company downtown.
Her: Oh, that's good.
Him: No way! It's boring as hell. I want my photography to take off so I can stop riding a desk
all day, falling asleep in front of my computer.
Now we find out more about this mysterious stranger, and he's fleshed out a bit. He has a day job
after all, so he's not just some rogue, starving artist. But, he still defines himself as an artist, and
quickly moves the focus off his job, so she doesn't see him as some stodgy project manager
who's boring and worthy only of a relationship. He's an artist; that's romantic. And romanticseeming men are the men women want as lovers.
Her: [laughs] I do that too.
Him: Yeah, seriously. How'd we end up trading our time for money? I wanted to be James Bond
and go travel the world, killing bad guys and seducing beautiful women.
Her: [laughs] You'd be great at that, I think. Let me know if you do that, maybe I'll go with you
for a few missions.
Him: You can be my Bond girl.
Her: Totally.
Him: Too bad the Bond girl is different in every movie. I kind of like you.
Her: [laughs]
Him: Maybe I'll lobby the writers to keep you around for two movies. Like, a sequel or
something.
Her: [laughs]
They're bonding here. He uses roleplay to imply that he's a little hard to get but still working to
help her get with him. See that? He's hard for her to get, but he's on her side and he's trying to
help her be with him despite how hard a guy he is to get. If he's too hard to get, she'll close up
and go cold. If he's trying to help her get him but he's not hard to get, she'll think he's too easy
and get bored. If, however, he's hard to get, and gunning for her and trying to help her succeed
well now she's intrigued.
Him: Hey, let's grab a seat before we get run over up here. There's a couch right over there.
Her: Okay.
[the two go and sit]
He moves her, following a high point when they're both bonding heavily and really enjoying the
conversation. This gets her to commit to being with him.
Him: So tell me about yourself; I don't know anything about you.
Simultaneously challenging her ("I don't know anything about you"), expressing interest in her
(wants to get to know more about her), and demanding compliance ("Tell me about yourself").
This is a very dominant thing to do and plants you firmly in the driver's seat of the interaction. It
throws her off balance a bit, so you'll want to be a little nice after you use it and guide her toward
answers.
Her: Okay what do you want to know?
Him: Well, for one, do you travel?
Her: No. Do you?
Him: A little bit.
Her: Where have you been?
Him: A bunch of places. Well, tell me this: if you could go anywhere you wanted in the world,
where would you go?
Note that he does not get sucked into bragging or showboating about the many places he's
traveled when she asks. She doesn't travel, so if he talks about all the places he's visited, she's
either going to be bored to tears, or blown out and shut down, the vast, vast majority of the time.
Instead, he's vague about where he's been, and quickly puts the spotlight back onto her.
Her: Umm Europe, maybe?
experience, it makes it sound like nearly dying is a fairly common thing for him, even though it's
a joke. It makes him feel a bit more exciting than he otherwise would.
Him: Family live in the City still?
The last conversational thread had run its course and there wasn't really anywhere else either
party could have taken it, so he begins a new thread, seeking to find out more about her family.
Her: Mom and dad are in Queens.
Him: Brothers and sister?
Her: One brother; he moved out to California.
Him: Smart man. He likes sunshine and fake boobs, I'm guessing.
Her: [laughs] That sounds about right.
He's a naughty guy because he mentions fake boobs, though it's just in passing and it's
mentioned along with something tame and "pure" (sunshine). He also implies he likes sunshine
and fake boobs too, because he opens the comment with "Smart man."
Him: How is it growing up as a precocious little girl in NYC?
Now he's asking her to tell him about her childhood. Once again, the more meaningful stuff
she tells you about herself, the more connected to you she feels.
All in all, this conversation takes place over maybe ten minutes. It's very fast. By ten to fifteen
minutes in, he knows her better than all but her closest friends do. He can quite possibly pull her
in ten to twenty minutes, depending on the circumstances. Even if she was only moderately
interested at the outset, maybe give it twenty to thirty minutes, then go for the pull, and I'd bet, at
this rate of conversation, he succeeds a third of the time at least.
Go out and repeat this with four or five girls in a night, and you've got one to take home.
Conversation doesn't have to be long or tedious it can be light, meaningful, fun, and fast!
Always,
Chase Amante
The Conversationalist
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
Conversation and the conversationalist: probably one of the most under-discussed topics in the
social arts. What a pity. Conversation is part of the backbone upon which everything related to
socializing is built upon, but in the 21st century thats almost forgotten. You might go so far as
to say that the art of the conversationalist is a vanishing art.
In this day and age of sound bites, quick blurbs of news, and friends and acquaintances using
social media to spit out short, tepid, meaningless quips about their days and feelings and
whatever else springs to mind and gets unloaded out on the uncaring and overburdened ears
of the Internet, being a good conversationalist is a rare thing. Being someone who is able to
deftly move from topic to topic, keeping a conversation flowing effortlessly and breezily
forward, diving into the depths of another individuals personal life and concerns, then coming
back up for air with a bit of laughter and lightheartedness before things get too heavy, then
diving back down again to find out more about this person youve met just an hour ago than his
or her closest family members know this is what the lost art of being skilled in conversation
is all about.
The conversationalist moves past small talk with ease. The conversationalist elicits emotions
and feelings about topics his conversation partner didnt know she had. The
conversationalist dives deep and gets to intimate, personal topics that allow him to really
relate to others and bond to others, and allow others to really relate to and feel bonded to him.
The conversationalist does not just talk; he drives a conversation from the initial feeling-out
stage to a deep, personal connection that is rewarding to everyone involved.
It isnt easy to become talented at conversation. Actually, its rather challenging, sometimes
emotionally draining, and always a constant work-in-process, even for those whove been
focused on improving their conversational aptitudes for years. But its very worth it; learning to
excel in conversation is one of the most excellent, useful, empowering skills you can possibly
learn.
Being good at conversation opens doors for you that few other things can.
Before we discuss how you can start on the path to becoming a truly world class
conversationalist, though, lets start by covering everyones favorite part first: the benefits to
you.
So, being a talented conversationalist becomes one of those things thats exceptionally rare. Its
quite uncommon to meet someone able to adeptly and adroitly navigate conversation but its
always refreshing when you do. Truly, hasnt it felt great those few times youve met someone
who was just so agreeable and pleasant to talk with and who made you feel accepted and
understood right away and showed a genuine interest in you and curiosity to get to know
you? You can probably count the number of people youve met in your life like that on one
hand. Those people youre thinking of were the good conversationalists.
Here are some of the benefits of being skilled in conversation:
People just like talking to you. Youre fun, easy, and low pressure to talk with.
Whenever they talk to you, they feel good, relaxed, and accepted for whom they are.
You become a breath of fresh air from all the other people they talk to in their day-today lives.
You get to know people very quickly. As a skilled conversationalist whos mastered
the deep dive, you quickly navigate down to the important stuff stuff often others
talk about only with their closest friends, or sometimes no one at all. This allows you
to build a real connection and get past that awkward zone in a hurry where two
people are talking but dont really feel like they know each other.
You make deep friendships fast. A consequence of getting to know people fast, and
one of the amazing benefits to the conversationalist of his skill, is being able to build
a lot of very rapid, but very genuine, friendships and alliances with people. When
youre a good conversationalist, you can cover twenty or fifty or a hundred times as
much ground in an hour of conversation than an unskilled conversationalist can.
While Joe Average is still figuring out what his date likes to do for fun on the
weekends, Ive found out that mine dreams of living in Rome and wants to open her
own pastry shop someday after she leaves the corporate world. That kind of
connection leads to real friendship, because people know what youre about, and
know you know what theyre about, and the two of you are then able to let your
guards down around each other and just be comfortable and genuine.
You get what you want a lot more. No sense denying it, simply for getting what you
want from other people, being skilled in conversation is essential. Whether youre
trying to negotiate a deal or win over a potential new lover or talk your way onto an
airplane thats already finished boarding while youre still at the check-in counter (as
I have successfully done a few times in the past few years; that probably means I
should just get to the airport earlier, though), the conversationalist is at great
advantage over an ordinary individual who hasnt put much thought or effort into
improving his conversation. It gives you a decided, decisive edge that really is
beyond valuable.
Im probably forgetting half the reasons out there why you ought to invest in training
yourself up in conversation, but you get the point. Conversation reaches tendrils into
every aspect of your life; to ignore your skill as a conversationalist is to ignore one of the
most significant skills you can possibly develop.
Makings of a Conversationalist
There is only one prerequisite for learning to be skilled in conversation, in my opinion: you
must genuinely be interested in other people. If you arent, well, you can force yourself to a
certain degree of aptitude by sheer willpower, but beyond that, youll have a hell of a
struggle getting beyond an intermediate level in your conversational abilities.
However, even if you dont find people terribly interesting at the moment, that may be
simply because you havent gotten your skill at getting to know them well to a high
enough level yet. Lots of people think golf is a terribly boring game, until theyve played it
enough times and get familiar with it. Then they come to find it quite engaging, and rather
enjoy a good round of eighteen holes. Conversation and meeting new people may very well
be that way for you later on down the road after you focus on upgrading your skills,
experience, and exposure to it.
So, genuinely enjoy talking to people. You dont have to genuinely enjoy small talk; me
personally, Im not a big fan of small talk, and I get past it pronto. What Im really
interested in is what makes people tick what drives them, where are they going, where
did they come from. Why do they do the things they do. This is the stuff a
conversationalist is good at finding out.
Here are the skills I think you ought to focus on first when upping your skill tree. These are
the building blocks everything else rests on in conversation:
1. Get to the root. Conversation for normal people usually looks like this:
Person A: What do you do?
Person B: Oh, Im an
accountant.
Person A: I see.
Person B: And what do you
do? Person A: Im an
engineer.
Person B: Oh, okay. You must be good at math, then.
Person A: Im okay at it. How long have you been an accountant?
Person B: About four years. And you, how long have you been an engineer?
And on and on. Ouch, thats a painful dialogue; no wonder no one likes small talk. Small
talk is boring. But why is it so boring? Look carefully at that conversation above, and
people theyre conversing with to think more easily is one of the ways a conversationalist
gets people talking more about themselves than they do when talking with others, and it
helps prevent the person hes talking to end up in a conversation that feels mentally taxing
or draining.
If you noticed in the last example above, the question of, Why accounting? is fleshed
out beyond just the words why accounting. We say why accounting, but then we
also list a handful of suggestions and clarify the question Why not finance, investment
banking why choose the field you did?
If you ask a question thats too open-ended, people can feel lost in the spotlight. Its like
being on-stage without cue cards or a teleprompter; theyve been put on the spot and
start to panic mentally. When you phrase a question like how we did in that example,
though, with a few alternative suggestions for what Person B might have done rather
than accounting, and then give a specific question to jog her memory of whats being
asked, you light the path for her basically and make it much easier for her to come up
with the response youre looking for and answer your question.
The mind generally goes through a process like this:
Why accounting? Oh, I dont know Oh, why not finance or investment banking?
Because I didnt major in those in college. Why did I choose accounting? Oh, right
because it was an easy major in college. I didnt major in those other ones because they
were more difficult to get into and I was a little lazy in school.
And just like that, youve helped her think through her response, just by listing a few
alternatives and restating the question. This is useful with a wide variety of topics:
Why move to London, then? Why not New York, or Paris, or Tokyo? Why come here to
London-town when you could go just about anywhere?
Why get your Masters? Why not keep working, or use your spare time to travel the
world or write a book? Why go back to school?
Why break up with your boyfriend? Why not marry him? Why not just keep seeing him
the way things were? Why call it quits?
All kinds of things you can use this for. The point is, you want to help people think more
easily, and that gets conversation flowing fast and naturally and it frees their minds to
process the more important, deeper aspects of the conversation since youve already
handled the basic stuff for them and provided the framework to answer you with.
3. Relate. Obviously, the flipside of things is that you dont want this to be an interview.
You need to be relating to what you hear from others. Balance is quite key here; you
dont want to overdo it and come across like youre trying to impress or force a
connection, but you also dont want to underdo it and come across like you dont
relate and shes talking nonsense to you that you dont connect with.
This is where the art comes into play in the art of conversation. I wouldnt be
surprised if theres a way of breaking down exactly what that balance is weve done it
for things as seemingly random as how many I pronouns versus how many you
pronouns you ought to have in conversation (keep them as close to equal as possible),
so there probably is a way. I just havent figured it out yet, and Im not aware of anyone
else who has either.
Id say a good rule of thumb is to relate on things that you intuit someone else might be
slightly embarrassed about; e.g., if youre talking to someone and she mentions that
shes had so much bad luck lately, you commiserate and tell her you go through strings
like that as well, where nothing ever goes your way; then you turn it back to her and ask
her what good things have happened to her lately. Relate too on important topics; if the
two of you have been talking about something thats obviously important to her, and
you havent related to it, you should.
Again, learning the proper way to relate in a convincing, genuine way without seeming
like youre trying to force things is going to take practice. I can remember a few years
back when people would tell me things about themselves that I just didnt know how to
relate to. For instance, I had a 21 year old girl tell me three years ago about how her
Navy ex-husband had cheated on her, and she found out, so she cheated back I
had no idea how to relate to that at the time; I think I blurted something out like,
Yeah, sometimes guys in the Navy, you know, lots of temptation overseas. These
days, Id handle that easily: Ah, people. They do crazy things, and some of em you
cant trust farther than you can throw em. Whatre you gonna do? But thats just
because Ive been through enough conversations where I was struggling awkwardly to
relate to something I didnt really know how to relate to properly at the time.
Remember, relating is how you make people feel good in a conversation. If you dont
relate to them, theyll feel like what theyre saying is falling on deaf ears, and theyll
start clamming up. The better a job you do relating, the more people will feel like
you get them, and the more they will want to tell you about themselves to help
you understand them even better.
4. Turn it back to her. Most men, you get them talking about themselves, and it becomes a
spout that just doesnt shut off. Theres this voice in mens brains that seems to say, I
must position myself as impressively as possible; I must show people how amazing I
am! Men thus feel compelled to tell everyone who will listen how wonderful and cool
and successful they are, and show this off through stories of their successes and tales of
their feats.
Good conversationalists? No such penchant. Ask a conversationalist what he does for a
living, and hell build some intrigue with a short, interesting-sounding reply. By way of
an example, people ask me what Im doing right now, I tell them Im traveling and
finishing my first book. I also have a few startup companies Im launching, but I dont
typically tell them that until later on, because traveling and writing a book is intriguing
enough in its own right. After I tell them that little snippet about myself, I then turn it
back on them.
How about you, how are you spending your time these days? Ill ask.
The conversationalist should spend maybe 20% of a conversation talking about himself,
and 80% of a conversation engaging his partner to find out more about her and listening
to her. When youre just starting out, itll probably be more like 50-50 or 60-40, but you
should gradually be paring down how much you talk about yourself with time, and focus
more on talking about your partner, and sometimes about people in general.
Sometimes, you wont even talk about yourself at all, and thats okay.
5. Manage the conversational flow. Something that frustrated the hell out of me once I
started deep diving and relating was that my conversations would get deeper and deeper
and deeper, until eventually we went so deep that there would be this sudden shift, almost
like the spell had broken, and I and the other person I was talking to would suddenly find
ourselves stranded back on the shores of superficiality and neither of us knew how to get
back to where wed been before. It was like the whole conversation had been a dream, and
wed just woken up then couldnt fall back asleep again.
These days, Ive taken to managing the flow better I take things deep, but bring them
back up again periodically with a little lighthearted teasing or a witty comment here or
there, or pointing out that something in the conversation is silly or doesnt make sense. I
then take it back down deeper again. It ends up looking like this:
Person B: and then I never heard from him again. He just disappeared. I felt awful for
three months.
Person A: Wow, thats terrible. [pause for maybe five seconds, let the dust settle from the
deep emotions] So I guess you feel a lot better these days! [said with warmth and a
smile]
Person B: Yeah, I do.
Person A: Thats the cool thing about bad, sad experiences people are strong, and we
bounce back. Even if it feels pretty bad for a while, it doesnt stay feeling bad forever.
Wed never make any progress that way.
Person B: Youre so right.
Person A: So after this guy pulled his disappearing act, whatd you do to get your
life back in order?
Person B is sharing this very deep, emotionally powerful experience, but it reaches a
conclusion. Person A brings her back up from that; he commiserates, then makes it
light and airy again, like a breath of fresh air. He tells her she must be feeling a lot
better now; she agrees. All that darkness she was feeling earlier fades away, and she
feels good and warm in his company. Hes taken her down, but brought her back up
again.
Remember that voice tone is very important here. You can use different tones, and sound
cold and insensitive saying Person As lines with one, or warm and considerate saying them
with another. Play around with your voice tones to get the right ones. Watch a lot of
movies with strong, confident, charming characters, and learn to talk like they talk.
So Person A does a bit of inspirational talk, and then he goes back into the deep dive
again, finding out more about Person Bs lifes trajectory and getting her talking about
what she did after this experience. Its natural to go back into it now that shes come up
for air; now they can go back down again for a little bit, before coming back up again
later.
Managing the conversational flow like this does two things for you:
It keeps things from getting so intense and heavy that people start feeling a need to
break out of the oppressive intimacy of the conversation and free themselves, and
It gives your conversation partner a shot of good feeling and reassurance and, most
importantly, perspective, giving her the strength to continue through her story, whether its
a happy memory shes discussing or a painful one.
If youve ever seen the movie The NeverEnding Story, the feel of this movie is exactly the
feel of what you should be going for in your management of the conversational flow. The
story intensely sucks you in, at times feels overbearing, but then you get sucked out of it
and everything is put back into perspective when Bastian closes the book and stops reading.
He takes a break. Then he goes back into the book and we get sucked back in. Thats the
feel of it.
6. You must not judge. There is this social enforcing behavior we all tend to get instilled
with very early on in life, and its called judging. We use it to put social pressure on
others to conform to our views about what is correct behavior and avoid engaging in
incorrect behavior. If someone engages in enough incorrect behavior, we judge them
quite poorly, and effectively consider them out of our social class, clique, or tribe.
Heres the thing: the more you judge, and the more harshly you judge, the more you
limit your social potential. Almost everyone you meet is going to have things that
clash with something or other about your own personal beliefs and values systems. If
you take issue with people over that kind of thing even if you just take issue inwardly,
but try to be friendly outwardly people will sense it; they sense the gulf between the
two of you, and they close up.
No conversation. No connection. Just awkwardness, and a desire for the interaction to
end as quickly as possible.
The conversationalist does not judge. He teaches himself not to judge on the inside as
well as on the outside; he accepts that many people are different from him, but that
different doesnt equal bad, and he forces himself to stop having bad, negative,
derogatory thoughts about others because he know it will cripple his ability to succeed
socially.
Dont judge. It cuts your legs out from the standpoint of connection-, friendship-, and
relationship-building. People are infinitely more honest with you when they can tell
theyre being accepted by you for whom they are, free of judgment. The sizeable
boost in trust and depth of bonding with others that you gain from getting over any
judgmental tendencies you have now is well worth the month or so of work youll put in
of monitoring your thoughts and shutting down judgmental thoughts about other
people to rewire your learned thought processes.
Judgment is learned, and its unlearned as well. I suggest you remain discriminating
certainly you will be choosy about having top quality people in your life while
simultaneously freeing yourself of the burden of being judgmental. In addition to
opening up whole new social vistas to you, you will find you actually feel much better
without a cluster of negative judgments running around in your head poisoning your
thoughts.
7. Be a lighthouse. Im an Aquarius. That means that I have a great deal of empathy for
other people, but also that Im quite emotionally detached. I dont get affected by things
the way others do, but I care about them enough that I want to see them do well and
succeed and prosper and feel good and confident.
If there is one thing that drives me nuts when it comes to conversationalists, its
seeing a guy whos good at conversing but who clearly doesnt give a damn about
the people hes talking to. You know, the guy whos focused more on himself and
what he has to say than he is on the other person and couldnt tell you how
someone else is feeling to save his life.
I recommend walking a mental mile in the shoes of everyone you talk to. Put
yourself in every person you meets position and ask yourself how youd feel if
you were
them. Its enlightening. And it also makes you realize how much people need you
to be an uplifting, motivating, strong person for them.
I call this being a lighthouse. The lighthouse is the beacon on the rocks that guides
ships to safe passage, no matter the weather conditions. Its a sign of hope, and also
one of strength; a solitary beam of light in the darkness. You should seek to provide
hope, encouragement, strength, and high spirits to those you speak with. Be honest
and realistic, of course; if someone proposes a business or relationship idea to you
that you know will fail, for instance, tell them you have some fairly strong
reservations about it, but give them much credit for being creative or hopeful, and
perhaps suggest an alternative they might use.
Again, you must balance this; you dont want to be so wildly optimistic that its
patently unbelievable. You want to provide gentle, subtle guidance and support;
not be crazy happy, but exude more of a calm, guiding confidence that the person
youre talking to will be okay no matter what path she chooses.
Pay more attention to what people are telling you and not telling you. If there are
things about people youd like to know, but dont, find ways to start getting them to tell
you that information. Usually youll start out rather clumsily, just asking for it; as you
hone your skill, you become more and more adept in getting people telling you what you
want to know. Eventually you can reach the point where people enjoy talking to you so
much and become so eager to connect with you that if you simply bring them to a topic,
they will proactively tell you the things youre curious to know without you even needing
to ask.
Get more experiences. The more things you do, and the more things you get
comfortable with, the better youll be able to relate to people. When I first started
working on my skill as a conversationalist, I suddenly began taking on a variety of very
different activities (international travel, language studies, social activities and mixers,
sports, martial arts classes, dance classes, acting, modeling, photography) in part
because they interested me, but also in part because I wanted to have these
experiences to be able to relate to more people more easily. Most of them I didnt
spend a huge amount of time doing, but Im now able to relate to anyone who talks to
me about snowboarding, or traveling to Europe, or learning Spanish, or dancing salsa, or
going to a photo shoot because Ive done those things at least a little bit.
Get talking (with new people). Meet new people, get into conversations. Its different
when youre talking with classmates, or officemates, or family members, or old friends.
You know them; you dont have much work to do to get to know more about them.
Meeting new people forces you to learn how to get to real conversation fast, because you
dont have a lot of time. Take too much time dancing around with small talk, and most
people will start feeling uncomfortable (the result of lacking the formation of a connection
or finding common ground fast enough) and leave. You meet a wider variety of people, with
a wider variety of life experiences, and a wider variance of tolerances and conversationalist
aptitudes in their own rights, so you are constantly having to adjust and make changes on
the fly. This is hands down the best, most reliable, most effective way to get conversational
abilities down; meeting lots of new people is a bit of a gauntlet, but its a gauntlet that will
see you come out the other end much improved. When should you start? Well, the cool
thing about conversation is youre always having it. So I recommend you begin training
yourself up as a conversationalist the next time you have a conversation.
Get good at talking to people. Its a game changer in pretty much every way;becoming a
talented conversationalist is one of the most fundamental, significant ways you can
improve yourself, period. So dont put this one off until tomorrow start improving the
very next time you say hi to someone. Its worth every ounce of the effort you put into it,
and the payoffs will last you a lifetime.
by Chase Amante
Friday, 22 April 2011
You know the feeling: you find yourself in a conversation that's stuck on the superficial.
You're talking about the weather; about how you both hate getting up early in the morning;
about what the local sports team did last week; about how sushi is okay but katsu sauce...
man, that's where it's at.
Basically, small talk. But, small talk that's beginning to seem like it's not even getting you to
big talk.
You start feeling like this conversation is taking you nowhere.
You've just realized you're in a polite conversation. And this post is about helping you get
out of that.
Last weekend in the post on talking to lots of girls, a reader, Lau'Ren'Tay, made the
following request:
Could you please write a comprehensive about socializing with a woman. If your not wasting
your time in conversation or are? I don't know if you have something covering that, or
related to that.
Sure thing, Lau'Ren'Tay; I don't believe I do have on up here like that, so I'm happy to
oblige. Here then is the post on recognizing whether what you're in or not is polite
conversation and on how to get out of it when you are.
including commonalities that are far too common. It often feels rather awkward, but you can't
quite put your finger on why.
So let's put a finger on it.
The goal of conversation with someone new is typically to get to know her. Polite
conversation prevents you from doing this. When you're talking with a girl and it's merely
polite, you're not really getting to know her.
Talking about the weather doesn't get you connecting. Talking about things you share in
common with everyone ("This place is great!" or, "Don't you just love reading?") doesn't
really build any bridges between the two of you.
And then, things start feeling awkward because you both know it. You both know you're
trapped in a conversation where you're trying and failing to build a connection.
Guys who are beginners might not be aware of this awkwardness. They might not even
realize things are amiss until they begin noticing a pattern of women consistently bowing out
of conversations with them early on into the conversation. Eventually though you begin to be
able to feel when conversation isn't going all that well.
There are a few ways you can identify when you're trapped in a polite, go-nowhere
conversation:
All bad for various reasons. If you're not getting onto meaningful topics and you're not deep
diving, the conversation won't get very far. And if she's giving you very little in response to
your questions and statements and she's asking you nothing or next to nothing about you,
she's not carrying her weight in the conversation and you can't do it alone.
A conversation takes two people. You'll normally be the one steering it, but she has to be
contributing too for it to work.
And when you identify that she isn't contributing, you know right away that it probably isn't
going to fly.
When that's the case, if you keep trying to build rapport it obviously won't work. Other
measures are called for.
relatable for everyone for instance, you and this new girl start talking about your
experiences snorkeling and seeing exotic fish or about how you both wrote a term
paper on Nietzsche. That's how you get to meaningful topics and start truly building a
connection.
3. Use the bored look. Seeing the bored look on your face can encourage women to
start contributing. This is especially true if you've already made a bit of an effort to
get her contributing, and your efforts haven't generated much. If she likes you, she'll
step it up when she realizes you're bored that things aren't progressing.
4. Move her. This one's sort of your last resort, but it can end up being very effective.
When a girl's giving you absolutely NOTHING when you get that feeling kicking in
that things aren't going anywhere at all try just moving her. Tell her, "Let's go grab
a seat over there," or, if you're really bold, invite her home. I've had success inviting
girls home very early in the interaction who weren't giving me anything. Sometimes it
actually ends up being quite surprising; you're talking to a girl, it feels like the
conversation is dead in the water, and then you say, "Let's get out of here," and she
says, "Okay."
The majority of the time this doesn't work and the girl won't move with you, and
that's fine. At that point, you can bid her farewell and gracefully exit the
conversation; she's refused to move with you, so it makes for a natural exit. But some
of the time, this catapults you ahead in an interaction that felt like it was circling
the drain. I'd say it works successfully about 1 out of every 4 or 5 girls, which is
quite good for taking a dead-end conversation and turning it into something
substantial. This is also best for identifying the girls who just wanted you to take
action and move things forward and are more interested in something happening with
you fast than they are in getting to know you.
5. Leave and return. I much prefer trying to move women than I do trying the "leave
and return" tactic, but you have this available to you as well. Basically, you let a girl
know you're going to go scout the area out, and then you disappear for a while and
come back later. This can work if she realizes while you're gone that you're a lot more
fun or attractive than anyone else she's meeting or that it's boring when you're not
around, and she gets much more eager to contribute when you return. I see about a 1
out of 3 success rate with this technique, but it doesn't move you ahead as much as
moving a girl, so I prefer the latter and I don't use this one a whole lot. You also risk
the girl leaving or getting engaged in conversation with friends or other suitors while
you're gone.
It's important to remember that attraction has an expiration date and you need to be
looking to get back onto interesting conversation as quickly as possible. The longer you
spend adrift in polite conversation, the more attraction fades and the less likely the girl you're
speaking with becomes to start contributing or to move somewhere with you.
In other words, when you find yourself in polite conversation, do something to get OUT
of there fast. Polite, go-nowhere conversations are an absolute death sentence for attraction
so rather than let them knock you off, take a focus of giving polite conversation a death
sentence of its own, and simply don't allow yourself to have it with people.
With go-nowhere politeness gone, your conversations will be snappier and more engaging,
people will contribute more to them and like talking to you more, and you'll find that women
do a lot more with you, and are willing to do a lot more with you. Follow the steps laid out
above, and you'll have a lot fewer go-nowhere conversations and a lot more conversations
that go somewhere. And, quite possibly, a lot more conversations that go somewhere good.
Yours,
Chase Amante
by Chase Amante
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Building rapport and building a connection is one of those things I consider myself pretty
talented as a conversation-alist at these days. People remark that they often feel like were old
friends upon first meeting me; men very often assume that women Ive met minutes before
have known me for years; and I find it incredibly easy to have people open up to me about
all manner of personal details so easy that they typically offer those details unasked.
Kind of funny, in retrospect, considering I spent most of my life as a man apart, without
any close connections of any sort.
So someone youve just met thinks of you as an old friend, or the girl youve been
getting to know for twenty minutes has told you her life story and now feels that you
know her better than all but two other people in her life. Sounds fun, and empowering,
right? But whats the advantage of this? Well, as you can probably surmise, the
advantages to deep diving with rapport come in spades, actually. Here are a few:
You get to know people faster. So you get an idea of whom youre dealing with. Is
she a consistent, reliable person, or has she used people in her past? Does she carry
a lot of baggage, regrets, and grievances around with her, or is she free and clearheaded? Is she clingy or independent? Ambitious or unambitious? How open is she
to adventure and new experiences? You have an easier time judging which women
are looking for friends, which are looking for boyfriends, and which are looking for
intimacy that night. Youre good at discerning relatively quickly if a woman meets
your requirements for a girl youd date long-term or not.
You make friends and alliances faster. In the social arena, this is absolutelyvital to your
success. The difference between the men who sink and the men who swim the men
who get blocked by others from getting the results they want, and the men whom
other people help get the results they want is how good they are at building
friends and alliances. Youre far more likely to take that cute girl youve just met
home if her friends think you are an amazing, awesome guy than if they think the
opposite.
Youre sticky. You become one of those people that others meet and just want to
hang onto and keep in their lives. You provide something invaluable that almost no
one else does a ready ear, and an open mind. Because they grow to feel so
connected to you so quickly, they want to make sure they stick to you and hang
onto you as much as possible. This makes everything from same-night seductions to
lifelong relationships much easier to find, manage, and accomplish.
Those sound like some cool advantages that would be nice to have, right? They are they
make life easy. A lot of the problems that men without the benefits of being talented at
the deep dive run into are non-existent for men who have mastered conversational deep
diving. Phone numbers that flake? Almost non-existent. Youre burned indelibly into the
mind of every woman you spent at least five minutes with, and they cant wait to talk to you
again. Women who take a long time to warm up to you? Ill be damned if I can remember
the last time I ran into this situation. Women become magnetically attracted to you the
instant you start getting to know them. One strange thing Ive noticed is that once a
mansgood at deep diving, he seems to put out this extremely warm, extremely welcoming
vibe that others are naturally drawn to and will begin opening up to without any prompting
by him. Ill try to break down my current understanding of this below.
I wrote this to be a sort of wrap-up article. There is a lot of information Ive covered spread
out over the past two years of writing on here that is kind of strewn about everywhere.
This article looks to coalesce a lot of that into something vaguely recognizable /
comprehensible. Hopefully it will give you a better idea about how to achieve some really
cool things in your conversations with women.
There are some technical elements to the conversational deep dive, and some personality
traits that are important to train yourself on. You need both sides of the coin the
technical, and the personal to become highly effective at deep diving into rapport.
Lets talk about the technical elements first. These are the ones you can begin
implementing immediately to start seeing some results. Many of these Ive talked about
before in individual posts Ill link to them where relevant below this post would be
absolutely massive if I went into each of these elements in-depth on an individual basis!
Getting Past Small Talk: small talk is important to move past quickly, for one
overarching reason (when it comes to deep diving): you dont cover anything
personal, connection-building, or deep while in small talk. Small talk is like
treading water, socially. It keeps you afloat, but it doesnt get you anywhere.
left of this page (under Friends) for Fast Seduction, and run a quick search for
some of his stuff. Not all of his reports have it, but some of them contain a number
of masterful thread-direction as he guides women in exactly the way he wants them
to go. Chase framing is an example of thread-direction, and in fact my current model
of chase framing was in part inspired by A2daMIR as well (as well as by a good friend
of mine from Southern California who used a great deal of sexual humor with
women).
Being Intriguing / Limiting Displayed Value: youll find that the men women open
themselves up best to are the ones who serve as a kind of mirror to those women. The
more a woman feels you are like her, the more comfortable opening up to you she feels,
because she sees the two of you as being the same. Of course, youre not the same as
any other person on the planet, and the more people get to know you, the more of
those differences become apparent to them. The ideal situation for helping a woman
open up to you is to reveal little about yourself, only revealing aspects of yourself and
your past that match what she reveals to you, to further her bonding with you.
This is an art Ive mastered as Ive moved throughout a number of very different kinds
of people from upper-middle class white American suburbanites, to black Americans
from the ghetto who stole cars, sold drugs, and got shot, to globe-trotting
internationals, to Southern California surfers and actors and models, to rough-andtumble Mexicans spending time on the other side of the border, to wealthy self-made
business professionals, to (most recently) holier-than-thou expatriates and nose-to-thegrindstone local Chinese. To move freely and accepted with different kinds of people,
you must be highly adaptable and able to showcase certain aspects of yourself while
putting other aspects on ice. Meeting new people and deep diving with women works
exactly the same showcase the parts of yourself she will relate to, and sit on the rest.
Getting Your Girl Talking About Herself on an Emotional Level: this is covered a little bit
in the piece on conversational technique tips and tidbits. Your main focus in
conversation should always be on the woman, and the main focus of a focus on the
woman should be on her strong emotional topics childhood, dreams, past
relationships, goals and aspirations, things that are currently exciting her or frustrating
her in life right now. The reason why this is is because sharing strong emotional topics
is what makes someone feel deeply bonded and connected to another person. If your
aim is to get a woman feeling connected to you at a rapid clip, this is ultimately how
you do it.
Those are the main technical elements. Working on each takes time, but even a low level of
mastery of any one of those aspects of deep diving gives you a huge advantage in generating
strong, connection-forming conversation with others. For both your goals in seduction, and
your general life goals, I highly recommend some time getting these things down.
The other aspect of getting good at deep diving is personality-based. That means, you have
and showcase the personality characteristics of a man who others will be inclined to share
themselves with and bond deeply with. Men like that are few and far between most men are
too caught up in their own lives and stories and goings-on to pay much attention to those of
others, let alone to how well they do at making others want to share and deeply connect. The
following are some things that, should you decide to begin implementing them into your own
base personality, because of their very nature will take you a longer time to learn and
incorporate but once they become a part of who you are, you will reap benefits in just about
every walk of life where socializing comes in to play which is to say, just about every walk of
life.
Being Warm and Non-Judgmental: youll often hear the advice that you should be nonjudgmental. This advice is some of the best life advice you can get for opening yourself
up to great new adventures and opportunities (provided, of course, you continue to be
discriminating or, careful in how you asses and screen even as you remain nonjudgmental). Being non-judgmental is the cornerstone to getting women to open up to
you people can sense how judgmental another person is, and the more open they
sense you are, the more likely they are to be open and honest with you. People only
hide the things from others that they think those others will judge them on.
Id have you go one further than this though, and not just be non-judgmental, but actually
be warm. I think of the spectrum like this: judgmental people are on the negative end of
the spectrum they shut people down and make them feel lesser and unworthy. Nonjudgmental people are in the neutral zone they dont tear people down, but neither do
they build others up. Warm people are on the positive end of the
spectrum they accept others for who they are, free of judgment, and encourage
them to pursue the positive, constructive aspects of themselves and avenues in
their lives.
When I was younger, I was actually quite judgmental. Eventually I labored to free myself
of that yoke, as I realized that the person I hurt most by being judgmental was myself I
realized that every spiteful, judgmental thought I had that crossed my mind actually
made me feel a little worse inside, and that I was slowly poisoning myself with mental
toxins. So I focused on shutting out judgmental thoughts. As I did so, I became more
neutral toward others, and moved to the middle. Eventually though, I wanted others to
feel trulycomfortable toward me, so I worked to view things through their eyes, their
motivations, their fears and insecurities, to try to understand others even the ones
who would hurt me. Why did they feel the need to try and hurt me?
Once I developed warmth, women began opening up to me in ways I had not realized
were possible. They could sense that I legitimately wanted them to do well and succeed
and be happy, and wanted to share with me as much about themselves as they possibly
could. Work to free yourself of judgment first; and once you have done that, work to
open your heart to others with understanding and care. This probably sounds like very
New Age-y, hippy-ish, Jesus-y kind of stuff, but take my word for it from the
perspective of making women melt around you and think of you as the most amazing
man theyve ever met and feel very comfortable jumping into bed with you very
quickly without the fear of being judged easy or a slut genuinely being warm and
caring toward others (and particularly toward women somethingmany men are not) is
unmatchable.
Being Positive and Constructive: the best way you can possibly put thread-cutting to
use is in cutting negative, boring, hurtful, and pitiable conversational threads, and
switching over to positive, optimistic, constructive ones. Always remember that women
tie the emotions they feel around youto you. If a woman always vents about how awful
her job is to a man, and talks about other crappy life circumstances, shell come to view
him as the guy she talks about bad stuff to. But if she tries that with a different man, and
every time she starts on those topics he thread-cuts and takes her into something
positive, shell come to view him as the man who always makes her feel good.
You can show women you are this way very quickly into an interaction if you are vigilant
about it. When a woman begins venting, give her a minute she does need to feel you
hear her and get her and understand her but after you quickly relate to her, move the
conversation on. The personality aspect of this is that people who are quite genuinely
positive, optimistic, constructive people have a far easier time keeping conversations on
the right course than people who arent so if you struggle at all with staying positive,
working on this aspect of yourself can have a big payoff in your socializing and
seductions.
Being an Active Listener: when women relate, they need to feel related to back. A lot of
men dont do this they dont know how, or dont want to spend the time to listen. It
doesnt actually take much time at all, really, and its not all that difficult to listen. And
provided the women youre meeting are interesting youll get a lot out of it, learn, and
grow.
One of the reasons why its vitally important to me to be meeting fascinating women
with interesting things about them or happening in their lives isbecause I am a listener.
I see a great many men who are talkers, not listeners, and their ability to build
connections with amazing people is limited to how amazing their conversation is. As a
listener, you grant yourself the ability to merge with anyone from any walk of life,
even those you know nothing about, because rather than seeking to wash your own
ideas over others, you allow others to wash over you. Personally, I can talk with the
best of them. I have a number of strongly held opinions and beliefs, and lots of things I
can talk about for hours on end (just look at this post!). But I meet a lot of people who
arent going to be interested in those things so I dont talk about them. Instead, I let
them tell me about what they are interested in, and I learn and grow and evolve. And at
the same time, they feel rewarded for having someone who cares and is interested in
what they have to say.
If you think of some of the men who seem to be the most POWERFUL men in the
movies, or in politics, or history, do you think of men who talk and talk and talk? Or do
you think of men who sit there quietly, taking everything in, and only speaking a little?
The strongest men are not the men who talk they are the men who listen.
Once youve got the basics of conversation down, implementing the tools and techniques and
personality elements covered in this post will take your connection-building to the next stage of
its evolution. You will be building powerful, rapid, lasting connections with others, and being
one of the most memorable people theyll meet in any given span of time. Youll give yourself
the foundation on which to move through a seduction with speed even when you make
mistakes here and there, you still have a strong connection with your girl to fall back on and
build lasting relationships upon.
Youll have mastered the art of the deep dive and you will be someone other people
gravitate towards as they do few others.
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
lol! But I'm just emailing you about this because I've noticed that A LOT of your game is
based off of paraphrasing.
When a woman is challenging you paraphrase. When you want to deep dive you paraphrase.
When you try to connect with her emotionally you paraphrase.
Once you can paraphrase her words she feels understood and now you guys can truly
connect. And it was something that had been bothering me for YEARS man because I was
trying SO HARD to listen to women lol! But I found out that I was just doing it the wrong
way which was from a frame of reiteration (male comm) and not paraphrase (female comm).
It's crazy because now I can look back at some of your old post and say OHHHHH that's
how he did that! IT's amazing how much power paraphrasing gives you when it comes to
communicating with others.
Just wanted to share that with you because it really struck me as gold.
After reading this email, in a flash, I remembered the years I spent straining and striving to
understand women and feed back to them what they'd said, only to have my efforts be tossed
right back in my face when girls replied with, "Uh, no, that's not what I meant," or tersely
corrected me.
Man, that was frustrating. But it doesn't happen anymore. Why? Well... let me tell you.
You see, our good reader highlights the difference between what a guy who's learning tries
to do, and a guy who's got it down does. And I'm going to delve deeper into doing it the right
way here, in this post on active listening.
traveled), but what she's actually saying is rather that she longs for a sense of adventure,
excitement, the exotic, and newness in her life.
You should look at active listening as putting together the pieces of a puzzle -- the puzzle
of what a woman is telling you. It works like this:
1. A girl tells you something she feels
2. You ask her why she feels that
3. Then, you tell her she feels the way she feels because of what she told you
Like so:
Girl: Sometimes I feel so frustrated with all the stupidity out there.
Guy: Why? Why do you care if a lot of people are stupid?
Girl: Because they could be doing such good things with their lives if they weren't!
Guy: Good things like what?
Girl: I don't know, like inventing things that make life better or more productive, or helping
people who are less fortunate, or even writing great novels or painting great paintings.
Guy: Okay. So you wish that people were less stupid because then they'd be able to
contribute a lot to the world and make the world a better place.
Girl: Exactly!
In 30 seconds you've now recruited her help in allowing you to understand exactly what she
feels and believes. Then, you fed it back to her (or "paraphrased it," using our reader's
terminology).
That's how you listen to women effectively, feed it back to them correctly, and do active
listening right.
Proper active listening is absolutely crucial to effective deep diving, and a mainstay of being
a good conversationalist. It bolts down connection fast in your conversations with girls, and
gets you and a girl you've just met vibing very quickly.
If you look at that example above, guessers and assumers both would come up with different,
but faulty, interpretations like this:
Guessing:
Girl: Sometimes I feel so frustrated with all the stupidity out there.
Guy: You find the things that stupid people say and do annoying?
Girl: No, it's not that, it's that they could be doing so much more with their lives!
Assuming:
Girl: Sometimes I feel so frustrated with all the stupidity out there.
Guy: Yeah, I think they're kind of a waste of good breathing air too.
Girl: That's not what I meant. What I meant was, they could be doing such good things with
their lives if they only tried!
Can you see the difference between the guessers, assumers, and active listeners?
The guessers take a shot at proposing what they think she might mean
The assumers state strongly what they think she might mean
The active listeners assume they don't know what she means, and ask her
Because of this, active listeners stand a much higher percentage chance in any individual
exchange of effectively connecting with women, and a much lower chance of saying
something that makes a girl feel like they don't "get" her, like the interpreters often do.
If you follow the active listening process:
1. A girl tells you something she feels
2. You ask her why she feels that
3. Then, you tell her she feels the way she feels because of what she told you
... you'll quickly find you start connecting with women a whole lot faster -- and a lot more
easily.
by Colt Williams
Monday, 2 June
2014
Whats the greatest single key to being able to converse with girls in a relaxed way, not put too
much pressure on yourself, be sexual, and then pull them home?
Its not looks. Its not confidence. Its not being well-dressed. These aspects are all important,
however, the single greatest key to being able to converse with any girl is momentum.
You can take the most talented, socially suave guy in the world, and throw him in a social situation
on an off day, and hell look like an awkward, uncalibrated beginner.
And every guy who gets consistent success with girls understands the principle of momentum.
Especially because the high value men understand what it means to work extremely hard. When
you spend all day on the grindstone on your computer, on pieces of paper, on the phone the last
thing you feel like is a social dynamo when you step out of the door.
Thats why you need to learn to converse with anyone and everyone around you.
If you can learn how to start a conversation with anyone, you can learn how to get yourself
warmed up and talking to the hottest girls in any situation. And its no pressure, its not like youll
ever see these people again (or maybe if you make a good connection, you could).
Sounds easy, right? So why doesnt every guy go and start a conversation with anyone and
everyone?
This question is exactly what Im going to address today, along with how you can overcome your
own fear of strangers and use conversations with anyone in any situation to help boost your
energy and get you ready to seduce the hottest of women.
Lets go.
In all honestly, newer guys have more fragile egos and are looking for girls to give them a boost of
confidence and some emotional validation. Theres nothing wrong with this fact if you havent
trained yourself to find energy and a clear state from within.
But the only problem is that you cant build up proper momentum, because if you face one or
two rejections or harsh reactions, youll be too discouraged to actually get over the hump and
build the proper momentum.
An experienced man knows that hell have to have a few interactions (and sometimes more than a
few) that are messy and probably poorly received by the other party. Whether its girls or anyone
else, this process is necessary to get to the point where youre warmed up.
And for newer guys, the easiest way to catch social fire is starting a conversation with anyone.
Why? Because you can talk to random people without any pressure or fear of judgment from
yourself or from the other person.
Thats what is so fantastic about talking to random people. You can say whatever you want or do
whatever you want knowing that it pretty much doesnt matter. You can mix up your words, you
can be nervous, and you have nothing to lose. You dont need anything from them besides the
conversation, so you can go in no pressure and ask questions and converse in a free-flowing way.
Focus on Your Surroundings
The more you change your point of focus to your surroundings the easier it will be to get out of
your head. The more you act on your environment, the less your environment will act on you. So a
good trick to getting out of your head is making conscious observations about whats going on
around you.
If youre outside, whats the vibe of the streets? What do the buildings look like? How are
people dressing and acting? If youre in a bar or club pay attention to the music. Does it match
the venue? Scope out the logistics: where would you take a girl to isolate her from everything
else?
What kind of emotions are people feeling?
Paying attention and being present to the moment is an all-important skill for a seducer of any level.
You need to be able to get a beat on whats going on around you, which is much harder than it
sounds. So next time youre out: focus. Take in the small details and know whats going on in your
environment.
Amping Your Energy
When you go out often enough, youll start to realize that everyone who is out is just as nervous
and self-conscious and apprehensive as you are. If they are not, then they are probably drunk.
And this is why you need to learn how to boost your energy without alcohol.
Let me preface this next point by saying that everyone has their own style of seduction and going
about cold approaching women. But what I find that helps me (and a lot of other younger guys)
get into state is to bring energy. The reason why I like bringing energy is because the person who
brings energy especially at night is the one who is giving value rather than taking it.
You always want to be the person who is including others in your party, rather than trying to join
theirs. So if you are able to boost your state, youll always be the one that people gravitate toward.
So in order to boost my energy or the energy of any other guys who may be with me, I just try to
do something to help me completely let loose. Sometimes Ill dance in the middle of the street;
sometimes Ill yell at the top of my lungs; sometimes Ill just start telling a ridiculous story to a
random person.
I love doing these things because once you completely let go, youre free to make mistakes and
do whatever you want for the rest of the night. Youre nervous about girls rejecting you? Well
too bad, because a massive group of hot girls already saw you howling like a wolf, so you pretty
much cant top that.
This action speaks to a principle in self-development called eating your frog. The saying goes:
If the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the
satisfaction of knowing that that is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long!
Its the exact same thing with going out. If the first thing you do when you walk out the door is the
Thriller dance out in front of hundreds of people, thats pretty much the most embarrassing thing
that could happen to you all night. So blowouts, rejections, approach anxiety, not saying the right
thing thats all childs play compared to what youve already done.
Like I said, this isnt a style that jives with everyone. Some people like the lower energy, more
debonair style of gaming. And thats completely fine. But you have to have a rock-solid internal
frame in order for this style to work. The James Bond style works best:
But honestly, Ive rarely seen newer/intermediate guys who can actually pull off the suave style
especially at night. They just tell themselves theyre being suave and demure when in reality theyre
just standing around not talking to girls or anyone, for that matter.
Thats why I think just letting loose is a far better strategy. And its actually really funny to see how
many people are truly stifled when they go out. When I go out with my friends, I see so many
people in the corner standing around with wide eyes looking at us. Then they say things like I just
love watching you guys have a great time! or I love how much fun you guys are having! Thats
because deep down everyone wants to let loose, but few have the courage to actually do it. If you
take the time to let yourself be free, youll set yourself up for a great night all the time, every
time.
So if letting go, building momentum, and starting conversations with anyone are so important,
how come so many guys are afraid to talk to random people? How come we all cant start a
conversation with anyone we want, anytime we want?
The answer is social conditioning. Its important to understand what it is in this context. And its
even more important to understand how to beat it.
Even from a young age we are taught that its taboo or even dangerous to talk to strangers. Now
this lesson may be valuable for a six-year-old, but were never really taught as adults that its okay
to talk to strangers. And that people crave social interaction especially in the West.
So most people walk around the world actually subconsciously scared to talk to new people. What
are they afraid of?
1. Theyre afraid of being physically hurt
2. Theyre afraid of being judged
But most of all
3. Theyre afraid of being rejected
Rejection hurts, I dont have to tell you that. But why does rejection hurt so much? I have a
couple of theories:
A. People are still children at heart. And when someone rejects you, they are essentially
saying on a subconscious level: I dont love you, or You dont matter, or You dont
belong here. And that hurts on a very deep, biological level. Because being separated
So now that weve talked about how to get past the conditioning, lets talk about what to actually
say.
If you actually need information from a stranger, then ask for it.
Its silly to just walk around aimlessly trying to figure something out when you could solve your
problem with a two second interaction.
And in the same way as the previous case, all you need to have is something to open the door, and
then you can extend the interaction if you want.
Say Anything
Are you starting to notice a trend here? Starting a conversation with a stranger is like opening a
girl in many ways. All you have to do is just say something that will get your foot in the door.
After that, you can extend the conversation as you please.
You can:
Make a joke
Cheer
It really doesnt matter as long as you do something. As long as you give yourself the permission
to do something, and know that you can follow up, youll be on great footing to start a
conversation with absolutely anyone you want.
Just know that you have to say something, and that the fact that you said something is good
enough.
you find yourself talking to someone you actually enjoy: keep it going. Guys are often worried
about conversations fizzling out, but its actually easier than you think to keep things alive. Just
remember:
Be genuine
Be a little vulnerable
Listen
Relate
If you can keep these things in mind, you will be able to start a conversation with anyone and
keep it going for as long as you want.
Wrapping Up
Talking to strangers can seem a lot more intimidating than it actually is. I think the key is less about
the conversation itself and more about bringing the right energy and giving yourself permission to
act even though you know that there will inevitably be bumps and hiccups along the way. But its
okay, calm waters are boring anyway.
by Colt Williams
Monday, 25 November 2013
Youre walking down the street and you see a really
hot girl walking toward you down the block.
Wow, this girl is really beautiful! I should go introduce
myself you think. As the two of you near one another,
youre able to study her every aspect: the swing of her
hips... the smoothness of her hair... the look of her form
fitting dress its all amazing.
The two of you come side-by-side, and you see her greet
you with a pair of beautiful eyes and a subdued, but warm,
smile. A flurry of fantasies begins to rush through your
head. You start to think about how idyllic it would be to
take walks in the park with her; you think about going on
thrilling adventures with her; you think about taking her
back to your place, clinking glasses of wine, pulling her lips
into yours, and having passionate sex.
In order to have a conversation with a hot girl and eventually seduce her, youll have to start treat her
normally and not like some rare treasure. Youll have to treat her like you do cute girls.
On a subconscious level, every man understands the difference between a cute girl and a hot girl.
Chase wrote a fantastic article on whats different when you talk to a hot girl. If you havent read it, I
suggest you read it here.
But I want to expand on the ideas that he discusses and give you more tools to understand how to
strike up a conversation with a hot girl.
Few men understand the specifics of how differently he treats cute girls vs. hot girls, and how these
subconscious associations affect their success rates. So let me outline the key differences in how you
think about cute girls vs. hot girls and why youll need to throw out these distinctions in order to be
successful having a conversation with a hot girl.
Cute Girls
These are the girls who are definitely
attractive, but not stunning. You want to
take them to bed, but they wont stop
you dead in your tracks and make you
forget what your name is. This is how you
normally think about the cute girl:
you, she will most likely let you down easy and tell you that shes just not dating right now,
followed up by how great of a guy you are and how any girl would be lucky to have you.
There are a lot like her. If you see a cute girl, you may or may not approach her depending on
how hampered you are by approach anxiety. If you dont approach her, you may feel guilty for
a minute or two, but youll probably forget about it pretty quickly and take solace in the fact
that there are cute girls everywhere. In essence, you see cute girls as abundant resources.
Youre only attracted to particular aspects of her personality/body. You know that with a cute
girl, youre almost never going to get the total package. Maybe her personality is great, but her
face is just meh. Maybe she has a great face, but is slightly overweight. Maybe she doesnt have
the kind of butt or breasts you like. Whatever the case may be, you will almost never think: This
girl is the total package for me. Nevertheless, you may settle for her because shes good
enough.
You assess her very rationally. If a cute girl doesnt mesh with your personality or beliefs, you
can clearly and calmly deduce this fact. You can easily examine her values and what role she
could play in your life. Youre able to listen to her intently and you have no trouble relating to
her on a person-to-person level. You may think about her when shes not around, but these will
be fleeting thoughts that will only momentarily distract you.
You dont really think about the competition. If you meet a cute girl, you may wonder whether
or not she has a boyfriend and you may ask but you probably dont wonder if shes casually
sleeping with other guys. And even if you found out that she is, you probably wouldnt care or
be bothered by it very much.
You may or may not mention her to your friends. If youre a guy who doesnt sleep with girls
very often and you seduce a cute girl, you may proudly mention that you are sleeping with
and/or dating her. If youre a more experienced guy, you will feel much less of a need to brag
about a girl who is cute to your friends. You may mention it to one or two people, and you
may tell people who ask, but you wont go out of your way to discuss it, and youll just focus
your energy on figuring out if you want to keep her around.
If she ends things, you wont be devastated. In the case that you form a sexual relationship
with a cute girl, if she decides to call it quits, you may be sad for a little while. You may wonder if
you couldve salvaged the situation. But in the end, unless you fell in love with her, you wont be
devastated if she decides to end things.
This pretty much sums up most guys thoughts and approach to cute girl. Now, contrast that with
Hot Girls
These are the girls who are absolute bombshells. These are the girls that you and your friends talk about
nonstop when you see one at a restaurant or bar. These are the girls who could instantly redeem
months of failure and frustration with your love life. And this is how you probably think about the hot
girl:
She is mean, cold or bitchy. If you see a hot girl, you probably figure that guys hit on her all of
the time. So if youre not a top of the line man if you havent been hitting the gym and getting
promotions you assume shell blow you out of the water if you try to talk to her. You really
worry about wasting her time. You dont want to take up her precious hot minutes with an
awkward approach or a tepid interaction.
She is a scarce resource. When you see a hot girl, you honestly have no idea when youll see
another one particularly if she is exactly your type. If you want to talk to her the pressure is
on. If you mess it up, it could be weeks before you see another girl of this caliber. And if youre
lucky enough to actually get a date with her you want to be very careful about not messing
things up with a girl who is out of your league.
She could be the total package. Its very possible that she has a face that belongs in a fairy tale,
a body that belongs in a porno (which you should stop watching), and a mind that belongs in a
university. The possibility of her being the total package only turns up the pressure you feel to
impress this girl and make her yours. Which also means
You assess her very irrationally. You may be so floored by her beauty that youre already
hearing doves sing before youve gotten a chance to learn her name. You may already be
fantasizing about her supple body against yours before you find out that she may be crazy.
Youre paranoid about other guys. This girl is stunning. And you know that every guy and his
mother thinks so too. But you want this beauty to be your girl and only your girl. So you
subconsciously prepare yourself to display as much value as you possibly can.
Youll definitely tell your friends about her. Even if you dont actually talk to her, youll probably
mention the bombshell you saw on the way to work to your friends. If you do end up talking to her,
and getting her number, etc., you will DEFINITELY mention it to your friends...
with a sense of beaming pride.
If she ends things, you WILL be devastated. Most guys would be devastated by a hot girl simply
rejecting them so how would you feel if you actually got to have sex with her, or date her, and
then she left you hanging out to dry? Yea, I thought so. Or even worse
Youre surprised when things go well. This hot girl actually gave you the time of day? She
actually wants to go out with you? Perhaps youre just really lucky, and the heavens smiled on
you in this moment.
These points sum up the difference between cute girls and hot girls in the psyche of most men. The bottom
line is: most men put hot girls on a pedestal and think that they need to prove themselves.
This also means that most men do the exact wrong things when they encounter hot girls, and they end
up needlessly sabotaging themselves. Well, that ends today.
Time for a mental reboot
Now, I cant say that the above statement is true for 100% of the guys who are reading this article. But, I
can safely say that its true for 97% of you. Im going to reveal to you a few little known truths about
hot girls that will make approaching them, talking to them and seducing them 100 times easier.
Ready? Here they are:
men approaching any given hot girl, its actually usually pretty low. This means that if you can approach
with strong fundamentals, your chances are actually pretty good.
In fact
Truth #4: She is Probably Quite Ordinary
A hot girl is no more likely to be an interesting and unique person than an ugly girl. In fact, a hot girl is
more likely to be ordinary because shes spent her entire life having legions of people lapping praise
on her just for existing. And in most cases, men immediately try to seduce her without finding out the
first thing about her.
And now that you understand these truths about hot girls, lets look at how to implement them in your
conversations with hot girls.
Your fashion
And everything else that will help you develop confidence and presence. Also, approach as
many girls in general as you can. Because when you approach a hot girl, you have to OWN the
approach. You have to tell yourself that you absolutely deserve to bring her into your life. After all, shes
just an ordinary person. Why dont you deserve her?
I know that its not easy to feel this way. But try to actively project absolute certainty in your
approaches. The next steps will help you hone that sense of certainty.
2. Have Definite Purpose. So you want to talk to a hot girl? Fantastic. But why? Are you trying to
get her number? Do you want a daytime pull? Do you want to ask her out on a date? If you
know exactly what youre aiming to do, and you have planned for your success, its easy to
confidently approach her and move toward your goal.
3. Be Congruent. In other words: know what kind of man you are, and act that way. When I go
out to talk to girls hot or not I know that I am a man who likes to have fun, learn what makes
people tick, have intellectual conversations, be sexual, be adventurous, be traditional and find a
girl whos up for a casual relationship. Im very unapologetic about this. And every girl who
meets me understands who I am within no more than a few minutes of talking to me.
If you go in as a smooth, aloof guy, dont start cracking dumb jokes in the middle of the interaction. You
can be funny, but dont completely change your vibe. If you go in as a gritty, edgy guy, dont get overly
emotional. Remain consistent with your male identity. This will make it easier to seduce with her, follow
up with her, and prevent her from playing games.
4. Say Anything and Be Especially Fun/Playful.
With hot girls Ive found that the easiest way to start a conversation is to be really fun and
playful. They are too used to guys trying to slick, smooth and aloof. But being playful is a great
change of pace. You can say anything to a hot girl. Ive asked them about the weather, Ive
asked about their favorite cereal, Ive asked them if they actually know what the fox says. As
long as you have a relaxed and confident vibe, shell have a good time. But, make sure you make
your intentions known quickly. If you get her relaxed, make a comment about how you find her
cute or sexy, so that she has no doubts that youre seducing her.
5. Learn About Her. Believe it or not, hot girls are individuals with flaws, quirks and eccentricities. If you
treat her like a human being, she will be very receptive and want to tell you about herself. Moreover,
hot girls are too used to guys trying to ask them out without qualifying them AT ALL. So if you
want her to be receptive to your seduction, youll have to connect with her and qualify her.
6. Make Assumptions. Hot girls are too used to guys interviewing them. Boost attraction with
assumptions. Is she wearing a yoga outfit? Tell her she looks like a girl who would be yoga
instructor. Does she have a great smile? Make something up and say she looks like she cheers
people up for a living. When you tell a girl what you think she is, she will see you as
confident, and she will give you many details about what she actually does.
7. Keep it Brief. This is definitely a problem Ive had in the past. If youre having a conversation
with a random hot girl and youre not trying to pull her then and there, follow my three-step
process: Be bold, Be brief, Be gone. If you come on with a confident vibe, and youre making
her smile and invest in you, you should get her number/ask her out as soon as you can. You
want her to know that youre a busy man and that you have other places to be. Then after you
meet your goal, smoothly exit the situation and follow up later.
8. Be Persistent. If theres a lull in the conversation with a hot girl and she tries to leave before
youve gotten her number/asked her out, tell her to stop, and tell her you want to talk to her
for one more minute. Then use this time to grab her number or ask her out. Persistence is key.
9. Make sure to CLOSE Her. Do you know how many guys tell her that shes beautiful, or that
shes sexy, or that she has great eyes and then just slink off? Almost every guy in her life.
Separate yourself from the pack and actually get her number/ask her out during the
interaction. And make sure to follow up as well.
Parting Thoughts
Hot girls can definitely be intimidating if you dont have much experience, but they are far from a
great mystery.
The key is to learn how your mindsets are sabotaging you, and how to develop the correct mindsets and
process to make you successful. Once you have that aspect of it, you have the hardest part handled.
Now get out there and start a conversation with a hot girl.
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Think for a moment of a time you were talking to a pretty
girl you'd just met. You started hitting it off -- things were
going great. You took the conversation deeper and deeper
-- getting to know her more and more. It felt like the two
of you were bonding at this incredibly close level, and it
kept getting closer. There was more and more magic...
more and more chemistry... crazy amounts of electricity
sparking in the air...
... then, suddenly, the spell was broken. It was like the
two of you came up for air, then realized that you'd
emerged back up at the surface and couldn't get back
down to where you were before.
It was as if you'd awakened from a dream.
Then, try as you might, you couldn't get back into that
dream again... and both of you knew it. The interaction
with this girl -- this girl you'd been bonding and
connecting with so deeply mere minutes before -- ended
soon after.
It became too awkward to continue once it'd returned to
that surface level of shallow conversation and superficiality, and she uncomfortably excused herself,
telling you she had to go find her friends or that it was time for her to head home.
But you were close -- you knew you were. There was so much intensity between the two of you, until it
just... evaporated.
I'd build these super deep connections with women, and they'd get deeper and deeper, until finally
they'd... fall over, top-heavy.
It was maddening.
I've long prided myself though on not only my ability to break things down to their functional
components, but also to "feel" when something's amiss, identify it, and course correct.
And what I could feel was happening, in these instances, was that I was taking conversations too deep.
I was over-diving, you might say.
In scuba diving, there's a condition known as decompression sickness -- or, more commonly, "the
bends." It's what happens when you dive too deep, and rise too quickly -- it can really mess you up, and
can even be fatal.
In conversational deep diving, our version of "the bends" is what happens when you end up "spell
broken." You come up too fast out of a deep dive, and it's potentially fatal to your interaction.
I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure why this happens. It's weird. I have some theories, but nothing you
can't shake a stick at. Ultimately, all I can say is, you go too deep and stay down there too long, and
eventually 99% of your interactions are going to break spell.
It might be because too much emotional intensity is draining on people, and they need a break from it.
It might be because you're struggling to continue this downward dive into ever deeper territory, and the
girl "rebels" and resurfaces, and knows internally that she was the one who broke free from that
emotional hold -- severing a lot of her investment in you.
Or it might be because it feels socially awkward -- much of being socially graceful is about helping others
avoid awkward feeling situations, and the very fact that, by continually pressing to take things further,
you end up putting a woman in an awkward position, communicates a lack of social grace, negatively
impacting comfort and attraction.
Whatever the reason, having the spell broken is one of those things that can very firmly and reliably
sever interactions at the jugular and quite often kill attraction even over the long term.
Get a girl's number that you've had break spell on you, and she likely even avoids meeting up with you
again, or keeps it super friendly and neutral if she does.
2. Not changing topics when a subject's been exhausted. One thing I've noticed lots of newer
guys do in their conversations with women is they get stuck on a topic, and keep trying to
explore it more even when it's already been thoroughly explored and the girl is clearly ready to
move on. The problem with getting hung up on topics is that it starts feeling awkward for the
girl -- she doesn't want to talk about this anymore. This can cause the spell to break quite fast.
How to know when a topic's been exhausted? Run through this checklist:
Are you discussing boring stuff?
Have you already discussed the most interesting things about a topic?
Does it feel like you ought to be talking about something else?
If you answer "yes" to any of those, it's time to get things in gear and keep the
conversation moving. Check out the post on being a conversationalist for more on that.
3. Getting into a debate or trying to be persuasive about subjective, inconsequential stuff. This
is one of the most destructive things you can do when it comes to attracting women, but lots of
guys do it anyway. Like so:
Guy: Yeah, soul is cool, for sure, but you know what's REALLY awesome? Punk rock music. There's
so much passion and nuance in it that there's really no comparison.
Girl: Really? I've never really liked punk all that much. It's a little too whiney for me.
Guy: No way! Punk's the best! How can you not like punk music?
Guy: I don't really think an art gallery is too great an idea to try and make money off of. Many of
them make very little money, and it's common to see them close not long after opening.
Ouch. That's uncalled for. And it's exactly opposite what a seductive, romantic man who's very
interested in her is going to discuss. He's there to make her feel good and lead her to physical intimacy,
not to assess and critique her dreams and tell her what's a good idea and what isn't. This is one of
those things that men who are still too caught up in having logical, fact-exchanging conversations with
a woman do that leave them scratching their heads wondering why she lost interest.
All of those are the things that, if you get caught doing them, are very likely to break the spell in a hurry
and end both you and your girl up in an awkward, floundering conversation, wondering what
happened and why the connection was lost.
If you keep your nose clean and remember to keep things light, change topics at the appropriate
times, avoid arguments or debates, and refrain from criticizing a girl or her ideas, you'll insure yourself
against having the spell get broken -- and you'll do a far better job of building a strong, stable
connection with women.
See you on here again soon.
Chase Amante
This often happened to me with sharpest women!
Posted by David on Tuesday, 23 July 2013
Hi,
I'd like to post a comment on this aricle. Spell Breaking is really maddening and I lost the sharpest
women exactly this way. And having read some of Chase's articles, I just realized why this happens.
It all boils down to deep emotional trough. You meet a gorgeous woman and get into a conversation. It
goes great, you are a sexy man and she is very attracted to you as you are talking together. Within half
an hour, she wants you badly. You may want her as well, however, you enjoy the maximum from the
conversation at the moment. But remember, deep diving is rarely about sexual stuff, while she craves
more of you as a sexual man.
And this causes the break. She likes the deep conversation and goes with that emotion, but at the same
time she feels that it's only moving you away sexually from her (i.e your attainability goes down). This is
a conflict of expectations and she starts to feel like you don't want her or you're too slow. Finally, the
tension breaks inside of her and the conversation is spell-broken. She wanted sex with you, but
autorejects you instead.
One more thing - losing a woman this way belongs to the most painful cases I know.
David
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 12 May 2011
pervasive out there right now, that's guaranteed to help you fit the pieces together in a much more
streamlined way.
Let's dive in.
Trying to be impressive
And there are a lot more than that. But you get the idea. Point is, most men mess themselves up while
trying to get to know a girl. They have missteps and make some clumsy maneuvers and they end up
knocking themselves out of contention for the girl.
Why do guys do this? It mostly comes from lack of understanding. Lack of understanding of some basic
core social dynamics that influence how we become intrigued by and attracted to others.
For instance, most men take the "be overwhelmingly impressive" approach to attempting to woo
women. The thought behind it is, "If I can communicate to her just how amazing I am, she won't have
any choice but to become insanely attracted to me!"
Except, attraction doesn't quite work that way.
Women are hardwired to not take men's words at face value. The easiest way to present yourself falsely
is through the words you speak; because of this, his spoken word is the least reliable indicator of a
man's value as a potential boyfriend or lover. And women know this, both intuitively and (quite often)
consciously.
The man who's a skilled conversationalist realizes this. This is why he seeks not to impress, but to
understate and use humbleness to remove some of the glare from his presentation with others. A
woman isn't going to feel comfortable opening herself up to you when she feels like you're positioned
3,000 feet above her as vastly more accomplished and ridiculously superior. Instead, she'll close off.
And this is what happens with most men's efforts to get to know women: they cause women to
close off, either by being too impressive, or by trying too hard to force rapport.
All those mistakes we listed above either end up making a man seem like too much, or like he's
working too hard to come across a certain way or achieve a certain objective. He isn't using the
effortlessness of sprezzatura and he isn't minding the Law of Least Effort. He's seeming too high and
mighty, or too artificial and needy.
does, and so doesn't place inordinate amounts of pressure on himself to perform but a larger part of
it is his simply knowing what women want, like, and enjoy in a man they've met, and his knowing how
to genuinely connect with a woman and get to know her.
The seducer knows that most women aren't pop stars or supermodels or CEOs. He knows he doesn't
have to be the most impressive man of her life to catch her attention and that, in fact, positioning
himself as such is likely to put him out of her league. And he knows that women don't want to meet a
man who wants to tell them all about himself they want to meet a man who wants to know all
about them.
But not just any man. They want a man who's charming and attractive a man they're going to want
to open up to.
Women want to open themselves up to a man they're attracted to off the bat.
That takes working on your fundamentals on things like how to be a sexy man and on things like
understanding why girls like bad boys and how you can use that knowledge to make yourself into
a more attractive man.
But even if you haven't yet started working on your core fundamentals, there are still women who
like you and want to open themselves up to you. You cross paths with these women all the time the
girl in line at the coffee place whose gaze lingered on you a little too long; the woman you met at happy
hour the other day who couldn't seem to get enough of talking to you. All you need to do is find these
women and get to know them.
And it's not about being impressive. Nor is it about putting the weight of the conversation on your
back and carrying it forward. Nor is it about struggling, tooth-and-clawing it, fighting to make an
interaction work.
If a girl likes you, you shouldn't have to fight her to get to know her. It should be easy... right?
Screening, Qualifying, and Connection-Building
The first thing you normally learn about within the circles of men training for success with women is a
concept known as "screening and qualifying." It's an old standby that's been a fixture in the industry for
a long time because, quite frankly, it works.
Screening is the term for the practice of (usually) asking women questions about themselves to get to
know them better. Statements can also be used to encourage women to self-screen, but for beginners
the easiest things to start off with typically are screening questions.
A few very basic examples so you know what Im talking about:
Those are basic screening questions, and they'll help you quickly find out things about a girl that you're
curious to know. Screening is a normal part of human interaction and dialogue. It's how we get to
know one another.
Screening is great, wonderful, and absolutely essential. BUT, one of the things you're often told about it
is completely wrong.
A lot of the guys in the seduction industry recommend "screening hard" to "show women you have
standards." They're coming from that same mindset that you need to "display higher value" in order to
"impress" women, basically. In this instance, by screening you "impress women with your standards."
Actually, for a while I thought about screening this way myself. It's a pervasive mindset. But there was
something about it that never quite clicked for me mentally...
But we'll come back to that in a second.
There's a second part to screening, and it's known as "qualifying." Your screens won't get far without
qualifying statements, which are, simply put, how you show a woman your approval of her answers. At
least, again, that's the thought behind it in mainstream seduction circles.
So, an exchange with a screen like the following occurs:
Guy: Can you cook?
Girl: I sure can! I've been cooking since I was ten.
And in response, the guy qualifies the girl to reinforce his approval of her passing his screen:
Guy: Oh, that's great! I love girls who can cook.
And as far as building connections and boosting attraction goes, screening does its job really well.
Screening works, hands down.
But the explanations for why it works always seemed a little clunky to me.
"Screen a girl to show her you have standards. Then, qualify her to show you approve of her and get her
viewing you as higher value and an authority figure."
That felt a little... misunderstood to me.
Once I started putting together the framework of connection building that became deep diving though,
things started to click better and make more sense.
I realized that people became comfortable with other people and let their guards down the more
connected to someone else they felt. And as they became comfortable and as their guards went down,
they allowed themselves to become attracted.
Actually, that last part's a concept I owe to my old business partner, MNX. He first introduced me to the idea
that a lot of women are controlling themselves and preventing themselves from feeling attraction.
build better connections with women by encouraging them to share things about themselves with
you and you get to know them better. How does qualifying advance a connection?
Simple: see if you can feel the difference between these two interactions:
You: Actually, it's something of a hobby of mine.
Girl: How long have you been doing that?
You: Almost four years. I've gotten pretty good.
Girl: ...
You: So... do you have any hobbies?
Girl: Not really. I'm too busy for hobbies.
and
You: Actually, it's something of a hobby of mine.
Girl: How long have you been doing that?
You: Almost four years. I've gotten pretty good.
Girl: Oh, so cool! I really admire that you stuck with it that long and developed your skill... most people
never do that, they give up way too early! What made you keep at it?
You: Well, I...
Huge difference, right? What's the main difference?
The girl in the second conversation qualifies you for what you've shared with her. The girl in the first
example does not.
Why's it matter? Is it because Girl #2 is showing approval over you and you're accepting her as a leader?
No. It's because you feel like Girl #2 gets you and wants to build a connection with you. She appreciates
you. So, you lower your defenses, you allow yourself to feel more connected to her and feel more
attracted, and you start viewing her as someone who's on your side; she's "one of us" instead of "one of
them."
That's why qualifying works. Because, like screening, it helps you build connections with women, which
allows women to feel attracted to you.
Her: Well... maybe if I'd kept at it. I slacked off majorly in high school though.
You: Ah, so maybe you could've been Raphael... but you got too interested in skipping class and chasing
boys, huh?
Her: Haha, well, maybe... do you do anything in the arts?
Notice how we use screening questions ("How do you spend your time?" "Sculpt what?" "How long
have you been doing that?" "That makes you a prodigy, right?") both to find out more about this topic in
particular and to advance the deep dive overall, and we use interest and excitement and further
screening questions (which convey further interest) to serve as our qualifiers.
And right away, you have a very smooth, natural, intuitive way of getting to know a girl. You find out
more about her, show her that you're genuinely interested in what she has to say and encourage her
to share more, and help her to grow her connectedness to you, get comfortable with you, and allow
herself to feel attraction for you.
By rolling screening and qualifying into your deep dives, you enable yourself to do away with the rather
clumsy way most folks advocate using screening and qualifying as stand-alone screens with an
accompanying qualifier and integrate them into your overall conversations, and then use them to
explore deeper aspects of a woman's life, self, and history.
Once you get this down, it is easy to get to know a girl. Stuff's only hard when you're doing it in a
disjointed, unnatural way. Start plugging it all together, and you'll find your interactions hit a lot
fewer snags along the way, and feel a lot cleaner and more fluid, both to you and to that new girl
you're getting to know.
If you want to know more about deep diving and connection-building, keep your eyes out for my upcoming
video program, Spellbinding: Enchanting Conversation to Get Her Talking. In it, I go in-depth into how to
transform yourself into an elite conversationalist that women find completely captivating. More
information will be available in June 2011 in the program catalog. (update: you can get
Spellbinding now right here: Spellbinding: Get Her Talking)
Meantime, use the signup form at the bottom of this page to join the newsletter and stay informed of
all the latest announcements, and to find out when Spellbinding is coming out as well. Until then, here's
to many exciting and connection-filled conversations between you and a great many beautiful young
women.
Hey Jimmy,
Yeah, I'm pretty familiar with 60's methods. Lots of really good stuff he discusses -- he's far more
focused on being a sexually attractive man than on learning to say the right lines, which is the true
road to success if you ask me. (For anyone not familiar with 60 Years of Challenge, good guy; he's in my
"Friends" list to the right of this post)
Using a "deadpan face" is a great strategy. I feel like a lot of guys when they're starting out are trying to
smile the entire time they're talking to a girl, which seems a little fake and also comes across like
they're trying a bit too hard to please the girl / not scare her off.
I'm of the mind these days that it's better to be mysterious and reserved in what you show to
women, particularly early on. Women love mysterious men and they chase mysterious men. The men
who are being overly approving too soon signal to the women that they are in pursuit, and as soon as
women feel pursued, they start to run away or put walls up or hoops for men to jump through.
Actually, a problem with a lot of stuff that was/is taught widely in the community was that it was typically
hardcore chasing-style stuff. The reason guys used to complain so much about girls "putting up hoops" was
because they were chasing, so the women began looking to make them prove themselves.
When you're chiller, more mysterious -- using a deadpan face is one way of doing this -- you don't come
across as a pursuer, and you don't get women putting up hoops to try and have you prove yourself. It's a
total dynamic shift -- if you're seeing a lot of good results from wearing a more reserved face much of
the time and only jumping in when a girl needs help getting back on track or reassurance that you're
paying attention, that's why.
Cheers,
Chase
Re: Awkwardness
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Hey Jamal,
With conversations with heavy sexual content like that, you end up needing to play hard or go
home. That stuff scares some girls off, but the ones it doesn't will swing back just as hard at you.
Normally I stay away from it, just because I don't want it scaring off the girls who aren't as sexually
open (and instead of being directly sexual, I use chase frames).
Also, bear in mind that women will throw things out there just to see if you'll bite, and when you do,
they've "got you." Stuff like telling you she wakes up in different beds is one... less experienced guys will
get excited and see that as an invitation, but then they lose their shot with her by "showing their hand."
A more experienced guy is going to stay mysterious and sexual and challenging -- so his conversation
might go more like this:
Her: I'm an exotic dancer at the club downtown.
Him: Rock on. How long've you been at that?
Her: About two years. I started shy, then got crazy. Now I wake up in different beds every morning.
Him: You sound like a hell of a thrillseeker.
Her: Do you like thrillseekers?
Him: Well, you know, I'm such a shy guy...
Her: How shy are you?
Him: I guess, when I wake up in different beds, I blush a little bit. "How'd that happen? She told me we
were only going back for one drink and that's it!"
Her: [laughs]
Him: So when you're not dancing wildly on stage or waking up in strangers' beds, how do you spend your
time?
You basically want to communicate to her that you're "on the level" with where she's at, you aren't
amazed or excited, and you do the same things -- without looking like you're trying too hard to force a
connection.
Just more like, "Eh, yeah, happens to me too... ah well, it's a crazy world."
If you get the "lesbian" thing, it probably means you pushed a little too hard on sexual stuff. You should
respond to it, and then cut the sexual stuff out, at least until she's more comfortable with you.
Her: I'm a lesbian.
Him: How's that working out for you?
Her: I like it. Nothing better than another girl in my bed.
Him: Yeah, if I didn't have a dick I'd probably be a lesbian too. Men! Who needs em?
Her: [laughs]
Him: So what do you do when you're not entrancing desperate men for a living?
Chase
Re: Screening but get negative comments
Posted by Chase Amante on Saturday, 3 September 2011
Hey Anon,
Thanks for the kind words, man. Way cool to hear you're having an easier time of connecting with some
girls thanks to the site.
With regards to failed screens, this is a pretty common phenomenon. It goes two ways:
She failed the screen because she really legitimately doesn't measure up in that area, or
With these, I find the best approach is to treat her as the one being socially awkward and breaking the
flow of rapport. So it goes something like this:
You: Do you cook?
Her: No, I don't.
You: Oh... okay. [bored look... look distracted... look away]
Save that for the girls who're being difficult / acting uninterested in you. It heaps a lot of social pressure
on them to cut the act out.
For a girl who's just not very socially savvy / none too quick on the draw and doesn't know how to
maintain forward momentum in a conversation when she's failed a screen, you'll have to lead the
conversation -- like so:
You: Do you cook?
Her: No, I don't.
You: Really? What do you do for food then? You're a TV dinner kind of gal?
A lot of it then is going to come down to how you read her. So:
Uninterested / distant -- you act bored and put pressure on her to shape up or ship out
Recognize that you will lose some of the uninterested girls who really are totally uninterested. The rest - the ones who were curious about you but it was just an act, and the ones who just weren't
payingattention but then realize you're a really attractive guy when you hold your own, socially -- they'll
get in gear and start talking with you as an equal.
Cheers bro,
Chase
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
A potent but under-discussed phenomenon in the fields of socializing and seduction is that
of emotional contagion, the tendency for emotions between two or more people to converge.
Emotional contagion is the foundation of frame control, and is of vital importance too in
creating sexual tension and social pressure, in remaining in command of yourself and others in
high pressure situations, and in effectively leading women (and men, too).
You might say it's a case of "the person with the most solid and catchable emotions wins."
Todays article is the first of a two-part series on emotional transference, with two articles
focused on:
1. How to transfer your emotions to others, and
2. How to protect yourself from others' negative emotional transfers
Done right, emotional transfer is an outstanding tool for creating the emotions in women that
you want them to feel, and improving their experience, your experience, and the outcome of
your interactions.
And while "emotional contagion" and "emotional transference" might sound at first like New
Age-y touchy-feely mumbo jumbo, it is in fact hard science, and it all has to do with the
fascinating little cells in your brain called "mirror neurons."
That time you were feeling great... until some dour friend of yours came along and
dumped all his troubles on you, making you feel as awful as he did
That time you were down in the dumps, until somebody told you a few jokes and shared
a funny story about something that happened to her recently and suddenly you were
laughing and chatting as if you'd been fine all along
That time you went to the party feeling tired and drained, but after a short while around
the other people there - even before the alcohol started kicking in - you were talking,
dancing, flirting, and having a ball
That's an excerpt defining the subject from the paper "Emotional Contagion", first published in
Current Directions in Psychological Science in 1993 by Elaine Hatfield, John T. Cacioppo, and
Richard L. Rapson. While they note others as far back as Adam Smith in 1759 had proposed a
method of humans mimicking one anothers emotional displays, it was only in the past 25 years
or so that awareness of this phenomenon really gained much traction.
I'd been aware of emotional contagion since I was a little boy growing up in the 1980s. I didn't
know what it was or how it worked though... I just knew that it was very easy for me to make
other people feel how I wanted them to feel. I just thought I had a "power."
And while it'd be presumptuous to rule out an extrasensory basis altogether - there still isn't any
significant refutation of the positive findings of the large number of ongoing ganzfeld telepathy
experiments, for instance - as it turns out, emotional contagion does not need the supernatural to
be explained.
It exists courtesy a far more mundane explanation.
The way emotional contagion seems to work is that the brain analyzes the voices, facial
expressions, and other nonverbal cues of other people, then mimics them. This mimicry spurred on by the brain's "mirror neurons", a set of brain cells solely dedicated to making people
feel what they observe other people feeling, to bring them emotionally in-sync - feeds back into
the brain's emotion centers, causing mirroring not just externally - in one's own voice,
expressions, and cues - but internally, as well - in what one actually feels.
Thus the term "emotional contagion" - as it turns out, smiles really are contagious... and misery
does love company.
This study explored two questions: Do people tend to display and experience other
people's emotions? If so, what impact does power have on people's susceptibility to
emotional contagion? We speculated that the powerless should pay more attention to
their superiors (than their superiors pay to them) and should thus be especially likely
to catch their superion' emotions as well. College students, given the role of teacher
(powerful person) or learner (powerless person), observed videotapes of another
(fictitious) subject relating an emotional experience. They were asked what emotions
they felt as they watched their partner describe the happiest and saddest event in his
life. In addition, they were videotaped as they watched the tape. As predicted, clear
evidence of emotional contagion was obtained in this controlled laboratory setting.
However, a direct (rather than inverse) relation between power and emotional
contagion was found. Powerful subjects were more likely to display their
subordinate's feelings than subordinates were to display those of the
powerful other. Several possible explanations for these unexpected results were
proposed.
It is not the powerless who are most susceptible to emotional contagion. It is the powerful.
So how does this work?
To get our heads around emotional contagion's power dynamic, I'd like to ask you to think first
of the person trapped in victim mentality.
The typical person with victim mentality:
Sees himself as the victim of more powerful superiors, who control the keys to him
getting what he wants and needs or not
Views himself as oppressed or shortchanged by more powerful forces
Believes that the things he wants and needs are outside of his control; he is unable to
direct his own life and destiny in some or all ways
In other words, someone who believes he is a victim of anyone / anything has placed himself into
a subordinate role, mentally.
He is someone low in power.
And how easily swayed are people in the victim role?
Have you ever tried?
I have... countless times. It's a trap.
You cannot change someone's mind when he sees himself a victim... he will not listen to you. He
won't entertain your views.
And, he is largely immune to your ability to impress emotions on him... particularly, good
emotions.
An individual in the subordinate role is too worried about himself to spend much time
caring what you are doing, thinking, or feeling.
As a subordinate, all he can think about is him.
A woman you haven't connected and/or with whom there is no powerful feeling of
instant attraction with feels weird, awkward, or creeped out if you try moving things with
her too fast or break out a strongly sexual vibe on her too early; the emotion she sees in
you seems inappropriate to her, she feels cognitive dissonance, and she rebels
against it
Alternately, a woman you have deep dived and thoroughly screened feels as though she
has impressed you with her qualifications (she's empowered); a woman you have inspired
feels as though she could take on the world, with your support (she's empowered); and a
woman who sees you and instantly feels attracted to you is relating you to a man she's
had highly positive experiences with in the past, and feels confident she can have them
with you (again, she's empowered)
In each of the three scenarios where a woman is deep dived and screened and qualified, or
inspired, or feels instant attraction upon seeing and meeting you, SHE FEELS
EMPOWERED.
And, now empowered, she tunes into and mirrors back to you your emotions all the better.
You might even say that this is the crux of what "being relatable" is really all about: it is,
simply, making a woman feel empowered around you.
What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her
Student of the Game: How to Succeed with Women
Is Qualifying Women Really That Important?
acquaintances; to strike just the right tone of responsibility and ascendancy with prospective
employers and your new girlfriend's family alike.
Emotional contagion is powerful mojo... and you can use it to make your interactions that much
closer and more intimate.
Always,
Chase Amante
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 7 June 2011
"The Other"
In the mid-20th century, French psychoanalyst Jacques-Marie-mile Lacan developed the
concept of "the other," originally introduced by German philosopher Georg Hegel in the early
1800s and now a pillar of modern day psychological models. What the idea of "the other" holds
is that every person sees everything else in the world -- including every other human being -- as
being either the same as him or herself -- or other.
It's easy to gather how othering -- as the verb form is called in psychological parlance -- would
serve to keep our ancestors living and thriving. Those who aren't with us may be against us and
need to be watched carefully and be subject to suspicion, unless and until they can prove they're
on the same wavelength as us.
Even today, in our far safer world with a far lower mortality rate than at any other point
in history, othering helps keep us safe; it protects us from people who might potentially be a
threat to us and helps us stick to those who understand us best and ally with us and are most
likely to help us succeed and go to bat for us in times of need.
For the seducer though, and for anyone else who seeks to achieve mastery at building emotional
connections with others, the question of the other presents a unique problem -- and an
unparalleled opportunity.
That's because most people are very good at positioning themselves as the other, and not so
good at showing how they are the same.
And emotional connection, at its very core, is all about helping others see you as the same as
them: as someone who gets them, is bonded to them, and understands them to the quick of them.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. First things first: you need to realize the things you're doing that
position you as "other" in the mind of girls you like.
And before you can do that, I want to call your attention to how you view some women as
"other" right now. First, think of a certain kind of woman you dislike. Maybe it's those Barbie
dolls who dress themselves up and think so highly of themselves -- all you want is to get a real
girl. Maybe it's fat women if you're skinny, or skinny women if you're fat -- who wants a woman
that disgusting (fat) or that much a bag of bones (skinny)? Or maybe it's the hardcore feminists
and the women's libbers -- if anyone falls into the "other" category for most men, it's got to be
them -- they hate men!
And now that I've got you all riled up thinking of your most hated enemies in the opposite sex,
stop and think.
Are they really all bad, horrible, good-for-nothing people? Do they really have nothing to offer
to humanity?
Or are you just broad-handedly, ham-fistedly, categorically tossing them into a stereotyped
category of "other" and deciding they're stone-hearted individuals who simply can't be
related to as people?
If you stop and you're really, truly honest with yourself, you'll realize they're people just like you
are and just like the people you don't consider "other" are, and there really isn't anything wrong
with them. They're just living a different life you don't fully relate to, and they have different
reactions to you and feelings about you too.
Personally, girls who dress ber flashy I used to not like all that much because they used to be
colder toward me; and heftier girls I didn't like a whole lot because (aside from my own personal
preferences for women with thin waists) they tended to snap at me even when I was just being
friendly and social a lot of the time.
So, for a while, those kinds of women got tossed into the "other" category for me.
Who's in your other category?
But tackling your own list of others isn't the object of this post. For doing some internal work in
that regard, check out "Reference Points and Changing Worldviews."
I just wanted to point out that "the other" is very real and a psychological mechanism we're all
subject to. And that includes the women you meet.
You see, most men, while trying to build an emotional connection with women, inadvertently
tend to flip girls' "other" switches. They do some knuckleheaded things that get them booted out
of contention for the same and quickly slotted into the other.
And once you're an "other," good luck trying to get a girl to do... well... ANYTHING with you.
Throwing out contentious opinions. Men are a lot more susceptible to this than women
are for some reason. Okay, not "some reason"... women are a lot more socially attuned
than the average man and just don't do this.
What's a contentious opinion? Let's say you're talking to a girl, and the two of you talk
about exercise. "You know what I hate?" you say. "Yoga. What a silly waste of time that
is."
Then she tells you she runs a yoga studio.
By way of another example, say she makes the off-hand remark that she absolutely
loathes men who spend hours watching sports every week... but unbeknownst to her, you
spend hours watching sports every week. The instant she states that opinion, you feel less
connected to her. That's the kind of thing you want to avoid doing to women -- but so
many men do it, and keep doing it, more or less obliviously.
Failing to build consensus. Women are very good at building consensus. Men often
aren't. The men who fail to build consensus regularly tend to leave women feeling
ignored or marginalized when they make unilateral decisions; women can end up feeling
their needs haven't been attended to, and they lose a lot of connectedness to the man
making the unilateral decision.
This, you might say, is bad form. You can still be the leader and still direct things
your way; in fact, women typically will be looking for you to make the decisions and
lead the charge. But they still want to feel included.
When men fail to include women in the decision making process and instead make those
unilateral decisions, women end up feeling left out -- not just of the decision itself, but of
the man's consideration altogether too.
Never going beyond the superficial. Deep diving is an effective tool for a reason: it
gets women telling you about themselves, beyond the ordinary, and bonding to you on
who they really are. You aren't "other" if you know them and get them to an intimate
degree. Most men never do this though, and instead let their conversation remain in the
realm of the common and the surface-level.
Forgetting to actively listen and provide good feedback. As discussed in the post on
becoming an exceptional conversationalist, one of the things that makes a woman
begin bonding to and relating to a man is his ability to show her that he's listening to,
relating to, and understanding what she's saying. Most men don't do this, either
because they aren't really listening, or because they're too caught up in trying to be
impressive to really be there in the moment and feed back to a woman what she's
saying. When a man fails to feed back a woman's conversation to her, she feels like her
words are falling on deaf ears -- on ears that don't really care. Thus, the man she's
talking to must not relate -- he must be "other."
These are the mistakes most guys end up making that poison their ability to really connect and
bond with a woman.
And if you want to do better than most guys, you're going to need to do a little better than this.
The man who knows how to build an emotional connection is the man who's able to control his
own fate, so to speak, when it comes to connecting with others. He's no longer at the mercy of
destiny, hoping for that spark to manifest; instead, he controls its manifestation.
"Chemistry" is at his beck and call.
To build an emotional connection though, you're going to need to do the opposite of what most
men do -- the opposite of those places we just laid out above, where most men go wrong.
You'll need to be focused on bonding instead of whatever it is regular guys are focused on
(proving how amazing they are, I guess?).
Some of this is going to be similar to what we talked about in "The Conversationalist;" if
anything sounds familiar, just view it as a refresher. Some of it's going to be different. All of it's
going to be focused, first and foremost, on building that emotional connection and avoiding
the label of "other" that so many men put themselves into.
Here are the tools you'll need to build an emotional connection:
1. Avoid arguments and contention, and hold your tongue on divisive opinions. At least
until you're fairly certain she shares those divisive opinions of yours, anyway. You're
very nationalistic, and she's from another country? Probably not a great idea to get into
singing your home country's praises too loudly. Instead, talk about stuff you can both
agree on -- interests, hobbies. Maybe both of you like art, or played sports in high school,
or hate office desk jobs. Doesn't matter what it is -- so long as it's something you relate to
each other on.
2. Build consensus. You don't have to hold a vote, exactly, but you should ask for buy in.
Like so: "I'm thinking we should hit the pizza parlor. Do you like pizza?" That way she
feels included in the decision. You get the added bonus of once she's bought in, she'll
support the decision -- rather than attack it or resist it, as women may do with decisions
they haven't bought into.
Skip this one in obvious time-to-lead situations, such as when you're moving her
somewhere quiet or secluded, or when you're taking her home. But when it's not as much
of a do-or-die situation, yeah -- get buy-in. It helps. Quite a lot, sometimes.
3. Get to the nitty gritty ASAP. Quick, how connected do you feel to someone you've
spoken with for ten minutes who still knows nothing about you other than where you
went to college, where you're originally from, and what you do for work right now? Not
a whole lot, right?
By focusing on getting under a girl's hood fast -- by getting to her deeper self -- you
allow her to connect to you deeply and rapidly and get out of the "other" zone. This is
where deep diving comes in, and why going beyond the superficial is so crucial in
everything other than fast pulls.
4. Listen actively and provide feedback. This can be as simple as repeating back to a girl
what she's said to you but with different words. e.g., she tells you about how her father
taught her to sail, and you respond with, "That's so very cool you had a dad who taught
you to sail. How good did you end up getting?" By actively listening / providing
feedback, you show that you listen, and you show that you get it.
Most important about all of these is that they're signature markers of "sameness" and identify
you as in-group, rather than out-group. They let you skirt the stigma of "other" that so many men
seem so good at getting slapped onto their foreheads, and aid you in building a real, genuine
emotional connection with women.
Futher, once you're good at knowing how to build an emotional connection, you become that
rare individual others can connect to well -- distinguishing yourself from everyone else.
The ability to build an emotional connection allows you to build friends and allies with on a
highly consistent basis. And, it makes you a heck of a closer -- you know that, given the
opportunity to talk to a girl, the two of you are probably going to end up connecting very
well.
All you really need to start is a focus on connecting, instead of obliviously blundering into
"other" territory like most guys do. Knowing is half the battle... and the techniques above are the
other half.
Hope you enjoy using them.
Yours,
Chase Amante
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Just watched the new Iron Man 2 trailer that came out today. See it here:
Before you watch it though, think about this as you do: notice how it starts off, and then notice
how it ends. Particularly, what you should be looking out for, is what is the energy level /
emotional content like, and how does it rope you in? Once you've watched it (2.5 minutes, won't
take too much time out of your day!), keep reading.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, now you've seen it and you know what I'm talking about. Notice how it started out light,
airy, funny. Then gradually, it built up more and more, until at the end it reached a fevered pitch
of action, excitement, and emotions. Normal story arc, right?
Here's why it's important: this is how people emote. It's designed for an average person in an
average emotional level to come in and relate to it instantly. It starts off at around a normal
emotional level, maybe a little bit higher, with humor to make the viewer comfortable.
Now imagine a scenario in which the pace was reversed. Say you clicked on that link, and
instantly you're bombarded with people talking dramatically and firefights raging and all that
jazz. Unless you were already in a very pumped up mood, that would most likely be a little
jarring, and might prevent you from becoming immersed in the trailer. You just can't relate to
that emotional level that it's at, and it seems a little alien to you.
And let's say instead of continuing at that emotional pace, the trailer moved backward and
kicked things down to being light and funny and airy, and ended there. How strong would be
your desire to remain involved (in this case, to go see the movie)? Nowhere near as strong as had
you been reaching that intense, fevered ending as in the way the actual trailer is layed out. The
way it really is, you want to keep watching -- you want to know how it ends.
There are two great lessons here very applicable to your interactions with women (ALL
meaningful interactions you have, really). The first is to come in at an energy level close to
where she's at, and often use humor to get her comfortable. Don't go overboard with strong
emotions, or trying too hard to get her involved at the very beginning. Keep it light, and let her
become involved at a normal pace. You can actually escalate compliance and get her involved
faster if you don't overescalate emotions early on -- if she doesn't feel like things are too intense
too early, you'll find she's actually MORE willing to comply. When you are laughing and she is
laughing, compliance is, quite often, almost automatic.
The exception to not starting off too intense, of course, is if you meet a woman who's already in
a strong emotional state. In that case, you have to match her emotional intensity to not be a
downer. You have to pace her reality.
The second lesson is that the emotional level of the interaction must always be moving forward - always increasing, always upping the ante, always roping her in more and more. You use pushpull to make this not seem so intense -- increasing the emotion, increasing, and then a little
defusing, and then back to increasing and increasing. Had the Iron Man trailer had that, it might
have been even more effective and not felt a little emotion-heavy / over-the-top (as it seemed to
me once it got toward the end). But ultimately, your interaction should have a constantly
increasing emotional level, leading your woman to become more and more emotionally invested,
and wanting to stick around to find out how it ends.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Friday, 1 February 2013
In "How to Pick Up Girls in Bars and Clubs," we had a look in passing at why dance
clubs and dance floor game are so difficult to get real results with women in, aside from make
outs and rapid escalations that usually don't ever lead to anything much more.
There we called it "emotional spiking," but this spiking is actually the result of a far broader and
more common phenomenon seen everywhere in life and love, dance clubs being only among the
more extreme examples. The phenomenon is one I've dubbed emotional cresting, and it creates
some interesting wrinkles in how your interactions with people - women and men alike - play
out.
Emotional cresting is about taking emotions to their extremes - those emotional spikes we
mentioned before. It follows the process of emotional escalation that we mentioned as so crucial
to the process of preparing a woman for intimacy in How to Make Girls Chase, except that it's
an intrinsic part of everything.
There's great power in emotional cresting, but there's also significant danger to your interactions
in it as well - because the higher you crest, the bigger the crash is if you can't maintain that
emotional momentum.
"Emotional cresting" is my term for the escalation of emotions toward emotional extremes. I
chose "crest" because the term "crest" is used with waves - whether radio waves or oceanic
waves, they all have crests. A crest is the peak of a wave - its apex; its top. And just like a wave,
emotions tend to swell upward, resulting in a crest of those emotions. In dreams, emotions are
represented by water, often by oceans; and I felt that here, the term "crest" was every bit as
fitting.
All emotions crest. The start out small, then rise, and rise, and rise, swelling up higher and
higher and higher, until at last they reach their zenith. It's true with:
Anger
Excitement
Happiness
Joy
Fear
Ecstasy
Agony
Depression
Heartache
Lust
Revulsion
Disgust
Desire
... and everything else. Generally speaking, there are two core aspects to emotional cresting:
1. How much buildup and anticipation there is behind the experiencing and release of an
emotion, and
2. How sharp the spike is that causes the crest.
As a rule of thumb, the more anticipation there is without emotion dissipating, the higher the
crest is; and the more gradual the spike is without emotion dissipating, the higher the crest is.
That is to say, if you're watching a scary movie and you've been expecting something scary to
happen for two minutes now, sitting at the edge of your seat, growing more and more and more
tense... and then it happens, you'll be a lot more freaked out than you will if you had zero
expectation of anything bad to come and then something bad happened. It's why creating that
mood of foreboding is so important to horror flicks.
On the other hand, if you're expecting something bad to happen... and then nothing happens...
and the mood stays foreboding, but it's dragging out too long and you're beginning to lose
interest, when something finally happens the crest won't be as high as it could've been.
That's buildup. We've discussed buildup before - in fact, it was among the early posts on this
site, back when this was still a one-article-a-month website that only a few guys I knew off of
forums visited - in this article: "Emotional Build-Up: The Right Way to Use Emotions With
Your Woman," but I'm going to go into it quite a bit deeper here than I did then. If you want
another example of buildup though, check that out.
As for spikes: imagine you walk into your house, having completely forgotten it was your
birthday, and the lights flash on and all your close friends and family jump out of nowhere and
exclaim "Surprise!" That's a quick spike, and its effects are short-lived; you'll be thrilled
and excited for a moment, but then the adrenaline recedes and it's back to business as usual.
On the other hand, think back to Christmas morning or your birthday or any other time as a child
when you received lots of gifts (if you came from a family well-enough off to get you lots of
gifts and your family came from a gift-giving tradition). Remember how it felt diving into that
pile of presents, opening them one after another after another. That's a more gradual spike;
it's not a "then-and-done" kind of spike - it keeps going, and building, as you unwrap one present
after another, growing more and more excited and nervous about finding that one particular thing
you really wanted. The intensity of that emotion is overall much stronger than the quick thrill of
having everyone jump out and yell, "Surprise!," because it unfolds over a longer period of time.
First time skydiving? Prepare for some wild emotions. 100th time? Not so much.
First time picking up a girl? Wild emotions. 100th time? Not so much.
First girlfriend ever? Wild, crazy emotions. 15th girlfriend ever? Not so much.
First trip overseas? Lots of emotions. 30th trip overseas? Not so much.
First time getting caught by the police? Wild emotions. 20th time? Not so much.
... and on and on it goes. The less you know about something, the stronger your emotions are
around it, and the more you know about it, the weaker. In fact, this is a big part of why how
many partners someone has determines his or her future fidelity - the more experienced with
sex, dating, and relationships, the less of a big deal these are, and the more likely someone is to
view straying from a current partner as not that big a deal, either.
This is also why you'll see us recommending building intrigue and being mysterious and using
techniques like baiting in conversation and not putting everything out there on the table, spilling
your beans all at once (like most guys do). The more intriguing and mysterious you are, the
less "known" you are, and thus the stronger the intensity of the emotions you inspire tend
to be.
Buildup and spiking affect emotional cresting in much the same way - anticipation leads you to
wonder about what's coming, and spiking leads you to wonder how much more there is to come
and when and how it's going to end.
Thus, a girl you're talking to on the street who's gradually becoming more and more intrigued by
you as you unfold your indirect game is more interested in finding out what it is, exactly, that
you want with her and plan to do than a girl you're talking to on the street whom you've simply
walked up to and told her you like her and want to take her on a date to a little dive bar near your
house and ask her for her phone number (much more buildup and anticipation in the first
example than the second).
Likewise, a girl you're kissing and touching in your apartment whom you're gradually running
your hands up and down the body of is going to get a lot more excited than a girl you're kissing
and touching in your apartment whose pants you immediately grab to unzip within 30 seconds of
landing her on your bed (assuming there is the first time you've started physically escalating
with her, of course, and she isn't already dying to be intimate with you from earlier escalation
before getting her into your place). This is emotional spiking - the gradual spike, so long as it
isn't too gradual, trumps the sharp spike any day of the week.
Now, you might be saying, this is all well and good to know, but how's emotional cresting of
any use to me in my day-to-day life with women and beyond?
That's a very good question, for a rather abstract subject. The next section of this article is
devoted to answer exactly it.
We're big believers on this site in teaching abstract concepts with follow-on concrete examples.
No different with this.
So I want to arm you today with some tangible uses of emotional cresting in your seductions and
interactions with women - but first, I want to talk about the flipside of emotional crests... a little
thing called "troughs."
A single one of these elements can cause a trough by itself... all of them together always do.
And before we go into how you can avoid losing an emotional crest while transitioning, let's talk
first about each of the ways emotional troughs can occur in your conversations with women.
Interruptions of Conversation
When conversation is interrupted, this causes a trough. The emotional cresting is broken, and
emotions are brought back down in the opposite direction.
Have you felt this before? Absolutely. Imagine one of those great conversations you were having
with some new girl you'd met... it was going awesome. You and her were vibing so well it was
like you were old friends who'd known each other a lifetime. Then, suddenly, inexplicably, out
of nowhere... you hit a wall where just nobody knew what to say next. It was awkward... you
searched for something to say, she searched for something to say, but nobody came up with
anything. And just like that, the spell was broken.
Things got weird, and she excused herself from the conversation, to get back to what she had
scheduled for the day, or to return to her friends or go to the bathroom at night.
That was a trough. Emotions had crested higher and higher and higher as the conversation
progressed, but then they hit a trough, and suddenly the whole thing felt strange and bizarre and
unnatural - the complete reverse of what it'd felt like during the crest. During the crest it felt
exciting and comfortable and like the most natural thing in the world - and suddenly, it became
the total opposite.
When this happens, it's a big let down for everyone, and the girl gets out of there to get away
from the bad and awkward feelings.
The two of you were walking on the street, then arrived at where she was headed and she
needed to leave and go to work / meet her friend / off to lunch
The two of you were sitting and talking on bar stools at the bar early in the night, then the
staff came by to take the bar stools to make room for more bargoers and you had to both
stand up
The two of you were dancing, then stopped dancing to move off the dance floor and find
elsewhere to talk
The two of you were waiting for a bus, or train, or airplane, sitting / standing and talking,
and then the conveyance you were waiting for arrived and you had to board
The two of you were sitting or standing and talking somewhere, and suddenly one or
more other people entered your conversation - friends of hers, friends of yours, or other
people wanting to compete with her for you or challenge you
All of these are "physical flow" interruptions that interrupt what you're doing one moment, and
get you suddenly doing something different the next (unexpectedly). They're jarring because if
neither of you was expecting this change and neither knows how to respond to it, it leaves
both of you in an awkward position, wondering how this affects the interaction, whether
the two of you know each other well enough to continue or should say goodbye, or what
should happen.
As a result, unless a girl really likes you a lot - and even then sometimes, if she's especially shy she'll simply excuse herself, bid you farewell (or perhaps not saying anything at all), and leave.
Changes in Environment
If you've ever stepped out of a pulsing, pounding nightclub into the (comparatively) quiet streets
outside, and felt the gust of cool nighttime air hit your flesh, covered in sweat from the hot club
interior, you've experienced the sudden shift that occurs with a change in environment, and
consequent emotional trough.
Not all environment changes are this extreme; however, imagine the "feel" of these troughs
when you change environments with a girl you've just met:
All these changes in environment and many other ones like them tend to cause emotional troughs
that lead to a crashing of emotions.
However strong the emotional cresting was prior to the change, it troughs equally hard in the
opposite direction during and after the transition.
Changes in Expectations
This is the one that always gets the nice guys.
When your expectations are that someone is going to do a certain thing and behave a certain
way, and then that person does something contrary to what you expected him to do or how you
expected him to act, emotions trough.
It's what happens when you:
Act like you want to be just friends with a girl, then try to escalate or tell her you like
her and she reacts with disgust or revulsion (she expected you to be happy remaining in
the friend zone)
Act sensual and sexy with a woman, then fail to move fast and let escalation windows
close and attraction expire (she expected you to move fast, escalate, and take her as
your lover, and you failed to deliver)
Not make a move or ask for much investment throughout the course of an interaction
with a girl, then suddenly surprise her by asking her out, asking her for her phone
number, or inviting her home (she expected a calm conversation where she wouldn't be
asked for anything or need to make any judgments or decisions, and suddenly a relatively
big thing is being asked of her to decide on)
Expectations were one way, and emotions built around them remaining that way, but suddenly
something else happened, and the let down was big.
It's like watching a horror movie and feeling the anticipation build and build, only to find out the
characters were never in any real danger and it was all a big joke, or tearing into your Christmas
presents only to find out they're all filled with clothes instead of toys. Who wants that?
2. Use drawn-out spikes that extend emotional gratification over a prolonged period of time
- don't make satisfaction happen too fast
3. Avoid cresting a girl's emotions too early or in the wrong direction, priming her for a
trough before you're ready to cushion that trough properly
These are actually fairly easy to explain doing, now that we have the foundations established for
how they each play out.
So let's have a look at applying each angle to the women you meet.
"I'll let her get to know me, a little bit at a time, and frustrate her efforts to get me to spill
my beans by deftly turning the conversation back to her and getting her to talk about
herself, which she enjoys doing anyway."
"I'll hint at my interest in her and my intentions with her, ramping this up gradually as
our interaction progresses, but I'll never come out and flat tell her exactly what I want to
do with her." (the one exception is the sexual complimenting discussed in the article on
how to compliment a girl, but of course that builds anticipation by telling someone you
want to do something without saying when or how or asking her to decide)
Let's look at just a few ways you can draw each of these points out.
1. Opener. A lot of guys plunge right into their openers, suddenly and without warning. But
you can draw this out... pre-opening and slow opening are just two of the techniques
used to do this; speaking slowly and easing your way into the opener and exchange of
names is a part of this too. Don't just belt out an opener to get it over with - start
conversations naturally and comfortably with women, and the emotional impact is
stronger and better.
2. Early Conversation. Rather than dump all your cards on the table, hold yourself back
and build some intrigue instead. Use techniques like baiting and just give out a little (but
still make it interesting) when asked, and only go into it if the conversation is of interest
to her and she pursues a topic further.
3. Revealing Information. When you're asked for specific information, don't just divulge it
then and there and that's it. Instead, weave a story around it... ask a question back first
before answering it... take the opportunity to make it an experience, and not just an
answer.
4. Asking Her Out / Getting Her Number. "We should hang out sometime," and, "Let me
get your number," are okay, but you can usually do better. Even if you only take 50%
longer to say these, drawing them out a bit more increases the heft of them. Opt for, "Tell
you what, let's grab some food later this week or sometime next," instead of, "Let's hang
out sometime;" and go with, "Okay, cool. Here, let me get your cell," instead of, "Let me
get your number." It doesn't seem like a big difference on paper, but the difference in
person (when most guys are nervous and try to belt out an answer as quickly as possible,
and instead you're talking relaxedly and a bit longer) is actually rather noticeable.
5. Setting Up the Date. As you well know if you've read the articles on how to text girls,
you want to use texting primarily for handling logistics, and you'll want to set up your
date soon after meeting a girl, if not the same or the next day. However, once you've sent
that initial text and got back some times on her schedule to meet, you'll also draw this out
over a couple of texts for ironing out the details, rather than do it in one fell swoop. You
theoretically could send something like, "Hey Vicky, shall we get that meal we
discussed? There's a fantastic little place called Eve not far from here... could do
Thursday or anytime Sunday through Tuesday just fine. Let me know a day and about
what time works for you - let's set it up." And that would be okay, but... it's a bit rushed,
even still. Better to split this up over multiple texts - the spike feels better that way.
6. Inviting Her Home. Similar to asking her out and getting her number. You could simply
say, "Let's get out of here," and lead, but it's very cut and dry and not all that intriguing.
If you prompt her to join you for a movie or a nightcap though, it's more intriguing - and
she's also likely to ask you some questions you'll need to address. This draws out the
spike, and lets you handle objections as well.
7. Escalating to Sex. The first time you touch her shouldn't be to tear her pants off, unless
you've done an amazing job with sexual tension up to that point. Get her warmer first.
8. Having Sex. Here, you should be focused on being a good lover, first and foremost.
Focus on giving her a very satisfying sexual experience, and everything else falls into
place - this naturally takes a little time to do, and the spike is drawn out to do it.
As you see, most of these aren't being drawn out for immense amounts of time. It's not like
you're turning seconds into hours here. Instead, it's more about micro-calibration. How do
you take a 2-second quick experience and turn it into a 10-second rich and rewarding
experience?
Don't overdo it - overly drawn out spikes are as lame as too-short ones - but do seek to find ways
to turn every emotional high point into something that delivers on its buildup.
Try not to meet women in grossly incompatible environments (e.g. out on the dance floor
instead of around the bar; right in front of all of her friends instead of off to the side; etc.)
Don't cause women to crest in wrong directions (e.g., debating something political or
religious with her and making her angry; talking about something depressing with her
and making her sad; getting her really excited and making her jubilant; etc.)
Stay away from those two (early cresting and incorrect cresting) and you'll largely be in the
clear.
Interruptions of conversation
Interruptions of physical flow
Changes in environment
Changes in expectations
As it turns out, these are the easiest parts of the emotional amplitude to handle - all it takes is
following the guidelines for proper emotional cresting, plus a few smooth moves, and you'll be
in the clear for all four types of troughs.
Have a look:
1. Interruptions of Conversation. You can't prevent these from happening entirely - even
when you're amazing at conversation, they'll still sometimes happen. What you can do,
however, is provide frequent release points throughout the conversation to avoid the crest
getting too high. That way, when troughs happen, their impact is not that great - and by
providing periodic releases through chase framing and breaking conversation yourself,
you condition the girl to expect these, and they come as no surprise.
2. Interruptions of Physical Flow. Just like interruptions of conversation, you need to
make sure your girl is prepared for these to happen - by routinely providing releases and
outlets for emotions and breaking the crest yourself. That way, when it's time to move
her and change the physical flow, it's fine; and if other people interject, it's also fine.
When changing physical flow yourself, keep conversation going, to minimize the impact
to emotions, and look to change physical flow mid-conversation; that is, start her
moving as you're talking or beginning to talk about something interesting. The
"cliffhanger" keeps her wanting to complete the transition to find out more (or tell you
more, if she's talking).
3. Changes in Environment. These are going to happen as your interaction progresses, and
again, all you can do is ready yourself and the girl for them by refusing to let emotions
crest too high until you're past the point where environments will change (i.e., you're
home alone with her). That means no kissing girls at bars, clubs, or on dates... at least,
not if you want to sleep with them later, that is.
4. Changes in Expectations. This is the only one that you can completely avoid, and you
will completely avoid if you're doing things right. You'll know you aren't if girls are
telling you "let's just be friends" or "I didn't know you felt that way" or they're getting
upset and going into auto-rejection. Seek to set the right expectations from the
beginning by exuding a sexy vibe and make it clear to women through your actions and
attitude exactly what kind of man you are (the kind of man who will later take them as
his lover, that is).
For the experienced seducer, who's intuitively good at avoiding emotional cresting in the
extremes before he has a girl alone with him and all but ready for physical intimacy, and who
knows how to handle transition points and emotional rough patches, the deadliest time for an
interaction is at its beginning. That's the point where outside influences can come in and have
the biggest impact, because the girl isn't sufficiently intrigued or invested in him yet, and she
hasn't gotten accustomed to cresting and troughing with him yet.
Be smart with how you use emotions. Don't ramp them up haphazardly like some kind of crazed
mad scientist playing with his new powers of intrigue and seductiveness... this is what most
beginners do once they start learning how to get girls, and it's why most beginners have so many
promising-looking interactions with women blow up in their faces and end in spectacularly bad
fashion.
Emotions are dynamite... a powerful tool when wielded carefully and intelligently, and a force of
great explosive destructiveness when wielded with butterfingers.
Mind your crests, and avoid any hard troughs, though, and you'll be just fine with them.
And remember:
1. Use more buildup and anticipation to heighten involvement, suspense, and impact of a
girl's emotions throughout an interaction
2. Use drawn-out spikes that extend emotional gratification over a prolonged period of time
- don't make satisfaction happen too fast
3. Avoid cresting a girl's emotions too early or in the wrong direction, priming her for a
trough before you're ready to cushion that trough properly
Ciao for now,
Chase
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Hey there, been reading the site lately and I've noticed that one thing I haven't seen so far
is a post about validation. Maybe you call it something different but I was talking to a
female friend of mine and she brought something up that seemed similar to it.
I was telling her about how I and my pops were watching a Laker game and my mom kept
bringing up how "she needs to get her work done." It was starting to irritate me because she
would say it and then leave it up in the air.
After a while I barked back "well go do it then." I knew instinctively that wasn't the best
thing to say but I really wanted her to quit with the empty statements lol!
So, after the game ended I talked to her about it and she was telling me how I could have
said "I know you gotta get your work done but how about you relax with us and watch the
game and then go start on the work afterwards?"
Now as soon as I heard her say that I immediately thought validation. I'm validating that
thought or feeling by giving that response. While my response of "go do it" sounds like I'm
rejecting her.
So I was wondering if you all could drop a post on validation. Once I realized this whole
idea of validating a woman it gave me that "aha" moment, really started to put a lot of my
failed interactions into a new light, you know? It also helped me to understand the whole
chase framing, push-pull, etc. concepts because by validating her all of that stuff is much
easier to pull off. Because she knows that youre setting a frame but your pulling her along
with you. Instead of making it seem like its her frame against yours like many other PUAs
seem to advocate.
Our reader raises a good point here.
Validation is something I tend not to focus on much personally - it's something that fast becomes
irrelevant when you're following the rule of thumb of always escalate and keep moving fast. But
it's a real phenomenon, and it will affect your interactions with women - though, if you're doing
things right, it should prove more a curiosity than a major distraction.
Here's what I mean.
Everybody wants or needs emotional validation at some point or another. How they go about
getting it is different.
Men get emotional validation through conquest, while women get emotional validation
through bonding. I've seen men who really liked bonding, and women who thrilled at conquest,
but even with these individuals, the bonding men still liked bonding in a way that established
them as dominant, and the conquering women still liked to bond with others over their
conquests. Until I see otherwise, I'm considering this principle anecdotally universal.
Here's some anecdotal evidence: if you're a guy, and you're feeling worn down and beat up, what
do you do?
Do you:
A) Talk about your emotions with a friend, or
B) Go beat a video game, watch an action movie, or pick up a girl?
Yep - for men, the conquest rejuvenates us. For women though, it's the opposite. They need
bonding time.
Here's the thing: women will at times sleep with a guy in pursuit of validation, but it's not for a
conquest - it's for the bonding that comes with it.
Do I have your attention?
A few years ago, I'd largely thrown out the idea of "validation" as useless to seduction. Women
either liked you or they didn't, and if you quickly weeded out the women who didn't like you and
escalated with the women who did, any concept of emotional validation whether it was a real
phenomenon or not was a moot point.
But now that I've started thinking of things in terms of social positions, validation's become
something worth considering again.
The thing with validation is, it's finicky. A woman might want your validation... but the instant
she starts feeling like she can't get it and you're going to make her feel worse for being around
you, she's gone.
That's the part the old school pick up artists who originated the idea never talked about. Yes, get
women chasing validation from you... but you have to walk the fine line between not giving
them so much that they're then satisfied and you're no longer interesting, and not giving them so
little that they feel spurned and go storming off to seek validation elsewhere thinking, "I'll show
HIM!"
The way to use emotional validation is, rather, to become a channel for it.
This is the part that's tough to explain.
Think of it like this: there are three things you can be when it comes to validation 1. Someone who needs it
2. Someone who gives it
3. Someone who isn't even in the picture
Imagine yourself in a nightclub, by yourself, feeling a little insecure because you aren't use to
going out alone. You're someone who needs validation. A really cool guy who'd make you look
good and include you in his group could probably give you validation. So could a cute girl who
likes you. But some nerdy loser guy who also looks like he's by himself is irrelevant when it
comes to your own personal levels of validation - he's not in the picture.
You want to be #2 when it comes to any and every social situation you find yourself in. You
always want to be the guy others seek validation from.
So how do you get there?
A lot of it is your baseline, fundamental value. Things like:
Get those things handled and you're 75% of the way there.
What's the other 25%?
It's learning the line and walking it.
That's going to come from experience. But here are a few quick tips to help:
1. Go for humbleness. The reason why humbleness is so attractive is that it demonstrates a
freedom from a need for the emotional validation of others. The man who is proud needs
others' praise to uphold his vanity; the man who is humble does not, and thus is more
independent, powerful, and free. Showing others that you appreciate but don't need their
praise through humility communicates to them that you are someone who gives
validation - not someone who seeks it.
2. Offer some validation, but not excessively so. I'm skeptical by nature and not easily
impressed, and have had to learn to praise people with time, as it isn't something I'm
naturally inclined to do. So, I praise now, and my praise is genuine, but not effusive. I
might say, "You did a great job - keep it up," or, "Hey, you look fantastic," but my tone
of voice is largely unchanged and it takes some of the excitement out of it. This has had a
rather natural effect of, incidentally, causing people to highly value my validation because it seems (and is) sincere. Employ this strategy when giving validation: say the
words you'd say as if you were impressed, but keep a normal or even skeptical tone in
your voice to maintain balance.
3. Place commands before validation. Say a girl seems to really want to tell you things
about herself - she wants to impress you and make you like her. That's great - now tell
her to sit down next to you. When a woman is seeking validation from you is the perfect
time to give her a command and get her investing in you - this moves things forward, and
manages to communicate interest in her and give her even better validation than she was
looking for at the same time - you're telling her you really want to bond. If a woman
tries bonding with you but you don't try conquering her, one way or another, the
validation feels a lot less satisfying to her. Give her what she wants from you instead.
4. Don't let her go on for too long without moving things forward a lot. Believe it or
not, you aren't her girlfriend - and you're under no obligation to act as such. Women
know what they get with men - if she wants to bond with a girlfriend, she'll talk to one of
her girlfriends. When she wants to bond with a man, she comes to a guy - a guy like you.
She'll tell you otherwise - I've had girls I've slept with who told me, "I really just wanted
someone to talk to!" - but what she's actually saying is, "I really wanted to feel wanted
and needed by a man who made me feel special and gave me an experience to
remember." Move her towards intimacy - or swap numbers and arrange a date.
Being viewing yourself as a channel through which women (and people) can get validation, and
build yourself up that way. As you do, you'll increasingly find that you have an easier time
finding the kind of people you want and welcoming them into your life - because they are
coming to you for their emotional needs.
Of course, you need to genuinely be able to connect with people - but if you've been immersed
with the material on offer at this site, that shouldn't be too much of a problem for you.
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 3 November 2011
Furthermore, I want you to avoid the scenario I was in, of having to figure this mostly out from
scratch -- so I'm going to give you 7 tips you can start using right now, today, to get yourself
becoming more attractive to women.
Without further ado: How to Attract Women: The Guide.
The reason I stress the fundamentals so heavily in my seduction ebook -- heavily enough to
devote an entire chapter to them -- is that building up your fundamentals is the most
important thing you can do to attract women. It's absolutely, positively crucial.
To demonstrate, let me ask you this: are you more attracted to a woman who
1. Looks beautiful and elegant, is well-attired, carries herself well, and speaks and smiles
gracefully and with sociability and charm, and never mentions being an object of desire
or pursuit by other men (though you're certain she must be), instead making you feel
warm and comfortable, or
2. An average-looking woman with everyday clothes hanging off her body who speaks with
an average voice, slumps her posture a bit, and acts a bit awkward and uncomfortable,
but who tells you stories and uses lines and routines that imply she's highly desired and
sought-after by men, and then gives you a hard time and acts hard-to-get?
That one's pretty easy to figure out, right?
Okay, good. Clearly, the first girl is far more attractive than the second. In fact, the second's
likely to be somewhat annoying and off-putting to a great many men.
The difference, of course, is that the first girl's handled her fundamentals and she just IS
attractive, and the second girl hasn't bothered to and she's trying to talk her way into attraction.
Of course, it doesn't work, and she might as well be speaking Farsi. You do a quick read of her
fundamentals, and she's instantly disqualified.
Well, believe it or not, women are every bit as unlikely to let words influence their level of
attraction for a man. He can talk until he's blue in the face, but if he comes across in
unattractive ways, the best stories in the world won't win a girl over for him.
I've watched attractive men do nothing and go home with the girl. And I've watched unattractive
men tell women stories about the hot women they've dated, the exotic places they've traveled,
the expensive paintings they've bought, and had the woman walk away from them bored and
uninterested.
Attraction is not about what you say. It's about who you are and how you come across.
So how on Earth did so many men get it in their heads that attraction was all about their words?
there, and I'm finding them some of the most difficult to train. This is primarily because they
come in with a deeply entrenched belief that they need to convince girls they're attractive.
So, they end up adopting all kinds of lines, routines, and stories that they use while talking to
girls that they intend to help them show those girls how attractive they are so that women will
choose them.
If you've been following my material for a while and you're familiar with the pieces on
sprezzatura and the Law of Least Effort, you already know where this is going.
What ends up happening is that these guys work, and work, and WORK, to try and attract
women.
Which, of course, violates one of the principle underlying tenets of attraction:
Women are most attracted to the most effortless, effective men.
The man who beckons a woman to cross a room and come to him isn't just twice as sexy and
powerful than the man who gets up and walks over to her himself... he's ten times as sexy and
powerful. Maybe more than that.
The processes that run through a girl's head in each scenario are completely different:
He walks to her:
"All right, I've got this guy. He thinks I'm great. Let's see if he's good enough for me. He
probably won't be and I'll have to dismiss him, but maybe he'll surprise me... you never know.
Here he comes. All right buddy, let's see what you've got."
She walks to him:
"Wow, I'm walking across the room for this guy... I must really like him. I hope he treats me
well when I get over there. I hope we hit it off. It'd be embarrassing if I got over there and it
looked bad. I'm going to have to make sure this goes well. I'd better look as good and sexy as I
can when I get over there... okay, good posture! Back straight, boobs out. That's it... whew, here
we go..."
That's just one example. Compound that with a bunch of different things throughout your
interaction:
and suddenly you are this alluring man she is constantly putting work in to get. Meantime, you're
mostly lounging back, listening to her talk, doing some active listening so that she knows you
get her, and basically following the Law of Least Effort and being cool and relaxing somewhat
as you help her to invest in the interaction and to feel increasingly attracted to you.
Is that stuff hard to learn? Yeah, maybe, kinda sorta... not that hard, though. It's just a little bit at
a time, and it's mostly behavioral.
You don't even have to memorize any stories that aren't yours.
I think the reason why verbal attraction became so popular in the early days of pick up was
because it felt like a quick fix: just say this and women will fall all over you! It also appeals to
the popular myth of the pick up line: use the right line, and women will go home with you
almost on the spot. You've just got to figure out what that right line is.
One my buddies used to use in college:
Guy: Hey, do you know how much a polar bear weighs?
Girl: Uhhh... no.
Guy: Enough to break the ice. I'm Steve.
Ah, pick up lines.
Anyway, early pick up evolved from the pick up line, as far as I can tell, and retained the same
spirit of, "If you say the right thing, women will want you."
It feels encouraging, exciting... easy.
Except it doesn't produce results. It might get you some reactions... but we've discussed
reactions versus results on here before.
I find the dieting industry a similar case study to this. Confession: I had about 25 pounds of
excess fat on me from college until mid-2008. I'd been skinny most of my life, so hadn't realized
the slow accumulation of a big belly and a round face until my girlfriend and one of my pals
started pointing it out to me.
Once I realized it was a problem, I started counting calories, reduced my caloric intake (I was
hungry sometimes for about 2 weeks, until my stomach acclimated), and I lost a pound a week
until I'd shaved off most of my fat. I've kept it off since then by sticking to a slightly smaller diet,
still with all the same foods I always loved.
So, that was really easy, but it just took a little time and a little discipline. I look at all these
overweight people on fad diets now, and I ask myself, "Why on Earth are they doing this stuff?"
And, I realize, it's because they want a quick fix. They want someone to come along and tell
them, "Hey, this is easy! Just do this, and you'll be thin again, and it won't be hard!"
But, three years later, they're still fat.
Whereas all they had to do was start doing something that worked, that was a little bit hard at the
beginning, and then after a few weeks they'd see gains; after 6 months they'd be in pretty darn
good shape; and after a year or 2 or 3, depending on how bad off they were before, they'd be
amazing.
Nobody wants to work on themselves though. They want a quick fix.
And quick fixes never are.
In any event, we've discussed nonverbal attraction on here before, but just in case you had any
reservations, feel free to check out the research:
1. The Nonverbal Basis of Attraction: Flirtation, Courtship, and Seduction: David Givens
identifies conspicuous nonverbal cues used widely by men and women in flirtation,
courtship, and seduction; particularly, a submissive look that increases sexual attraction
in both genders. [something I call the "male model look" and I've been meaning to get a
post up on]
2. The Effects of Nonverbal Cues on Gender Differences in Perceptions of Sexual Intent:
Antonia Abbey and Christian Melby find that women tend to rate men's nonverbal sexual
communications as more ambiguous. [in other words, unless a man's clear about his
intentions, women tend to slot him into the friend zone]
3. Nonverbal Skill, Personal Charisma, and Initial Attraction: Howard Friedman et al. find
that emotional expression and extroversion boost attraction along with physical
attractiveness, and operate independent of it. [attraction from extroversion and emotional
expressiveness is unrelated to attraction from looks]
Then there's Albert Mehrabian, and his 7%-38%-55% rule:
What everybody keeps seeming to find, again and again, is that the vast majority of human
communication occurs without consideration to the words used or not used, and that attraction
functions as a response to nonverbals as much or more so than other forms of human
communication.
This is why, on this site, in my ebook, in Sensei, in Spellbinding, in everything I put out and
talk through and teach via, you won't hear me talking about how to increase attraction through
lines or routines or stories so much.
I might say, "Talking about things this way will increase attraction," but again, that's
presentation, not content. It isn't what you're saying; it's how you're saying it.
Confused? Okay, let me give you an example.
Let's say we have two girls talking to two guys. Each girl asks her guy the same question, and
each guy responds differently.
One of them responds by aiming to attract her with his words. The other responds by generating
attraction within her with his nonverbals and voice tone. Take a look at each:
Case 1: Aiming for Attraction with Words
Guy: People, leadership, how others think... psychology stuff. Things I find interesting. How do
you like being a photojournalist?
Analysis: you can't see it perfectly from words on a page, but much of what's communicated
there is coming from his nonverbals and his voice tone. He's drawing her in with powerful,
sexual nonverbals, and communicating through his concision and mysteriousness that he isn't
trying to be impressive... he just is.
And because he's compelling without chasing, the girl he's speaking with is forced to invest as
much as he is -- or more.
You can't talk your way into attraction. And anyone who tells you you can doesn't know how
to attract women or even how attraction works.
Women aren't attracted by tales of how successful with women a man is, or how many expensive
watches he has, or how well he treats his friends. Those aren't the things that make women
excited and intrigued and desirous of a man.
What does? Well... that's what I'm going to talk about with you next.
you've got right now, so deal with it and work with it; it isn't worth even thinking about
there in the moment and will only serve a distraction.
Attraction primarily comes through more or less passive traits. At any given time, you should be
working to develop these passive traits, but no amount of fussing over them right now is going to
give you a huge boost in attraction in the short term.
There is no "quick fix." Not in the sense that most guys think of it.
Now, improving yourself and making yourself attractive is pretty darn quick to do compared to
the path that most guys take for attracting women -- building their careers, amassing small
fortunes, becoming rich and famous, or even attaining a certain social status in one circle or
another (head bartender, chief physician, best salsa dancer, etc.). Where those other things might
take years or even decades in some cases, you can turn yourself into a very attractive individual
on a much faster scale.
You've just got to drop the quick fix mentality of, "Okay, if I just learn to say this line right, then
women won't be able to resist me!"
It's not about words. It's about you.
Here's how to attract women more beginning today:
1. Handle your fundamentals. Fundamentals, fundamentals, fundamentals. I'll hammer
these home until the day that I die. Why are fundamentals so important?
Attraction can grow a little bit as a girl gets to know you, but for the most part, it's there
or it isn't the moment she first meets you. Give it .3 seconds, or something like that...
something crazy quick. But you can see it. I've seen it myself again and again, I've seen it
with friends, I've seen it with guys I train... the moment you walk up, she's either into
you, or she isn't.
And your fundamentals are the primary thing she's gauging to decide whether she is or
not.
Fundamentals include:
any time on it. I'd go, talk to girls, and if they seemed interested I'd move them as fast as
I could. And they'd usually say "yes."
4. Never forget that attraction has an expiration date. Long ago in pick up, something
called the "7 Hour Rule" emerged. According to the 7 Hour Rule, you had to spend seven
hours with a girl before you could sleep with her if you wanted something solid with her.
Well, I can't speak to the origins of that rule, but I can say it's utter baloney. I think it's
based on the idea that the more time a girl spends with you, the more she'll come to know
you and appreciate you and bond with you... and to an extent this is true, but there's a
flaw in the thinking.
The flaw is this: the more she comes to know you and bond with you and appreciate you,
the more of a fixture in her life you'll become, and the tougher the decision to sleep with
you becomes. She may even come to see you as so amazing a benefit to her life that she
doesn't want to risk losing you by sleeping with you.
Conversely, the longer you wait, the more time you give yourself to make mistakes, or
to let another man step in and sweep her away -- just like what we discussed in "How to
Get Girls."
Attraction and excitement and enthusiasm fades fast in most women under most
circumstances. If you want to maximize your chances of success with girls, you'll need to
remember this, and you'll need to hew closely to the following rule...
5. Move fast with women. Not only is this good form, but moving fast with women is
actually very attractive!
Women love and find enchanting the confident men who go for what they want with
them and move things forward boldly and with decisiveness. I've had a lot of guys ask
me if women will be put off by men moving too fast. Well, here's the answer: women are
only put off by men they don't like that way moving too fast.
What that means is, if you move quickly with a girl and she pushes back and says, "You
know, girls don't like it when you move that fast," what she's actually saying is, "Whoa
buddy, you want us to get together? I don't see you like that." That's actually a good
thing... because it tells you you don't need to spend any further time with this particular
girl, and it tells you you've got some tweaks to make on coming across the right way to
women (e.g., as an edgy, sexual guy).
If on the other hand you've got a girl who's into you, and you move fast, she might give
you some token resistance ("I don't usually move this fast"), but she won't push back with
disgust or revulsion. The only women who push back with disgust or indignation
against you moving too fast are the women who weren't sexually attracted to you in
the first place.
The girls who like you get increasingly excited by things progressing quickly when they
do. Human sexuality did not evolve as a three month courting process, remember.
Wait three months and there's a good chance you got impaled by a mammoth tusk, or at
least that Stug, the caveman next door, came along and moved a lot faster and swept that
cave girl you liked off her feet and into his bed. Human sexuality evolved as two apes
meeting in the wild, sizing each other up very quickly, finding somewhere private
together, and getting to it. Romanticizing the process is very nice and sweet, but things
work a lot more smoothly when you drop idealism and treat it all the way it actually
functions and plays out.
A man she likes moving quickly with her is very attractive to a woman.
6. Move intelligently with women. Moving fast, of course, might be interpreted to mean
"drag her out on the dance floor and make out with her," which is bad form and actually
usually counterproductive to a seduction. That would be an example of moving quickly
but without direction.
There must be focus and direction in the progress you make with women. You need
focused action to keep yourself moving toward a successful outcome. This means having
a process; a series of steps to follow like:
Go somewhere with pretty girls --> start talking to girls --> find a girl you like who likes
you --> focus on her (don't get distracted or break circle) --> get her to move with you
and invest
and so on, all the way up until the two of you are lovers (or beyond that, if you want her
as a girlfriend -- you can build a process for that too).
Moving scattershot (e.g., moving her here and there; breaking circle to bring other people
in or talk to your friends or her friends; ignoring her then coming back; leaving to go get
drinks or go to the bathroom or whatever) is a surefire way to confuse a girl and dampen
her enthusiasm, both that something will happen with you, and that you're the kind of
man who can make something happen. Move forward with purpose and intent, and
women will be attracted.
7. Close. Women aren't closers. That isn't their role. Women's role is to accept or reject
men's proposals. That means that if you don't propose it -- if you don't go for the close - it probably doesn't happen.
Asking girls to meet you on a date this week and grabbing their phone number can be
intimidating up to the first 30 or 40 times you do it. Inviting a girl to come home with
you can be scary the first 30 or 40 times you do that, too. But eventually it does become
automatic, and you lose all emotional association to it. It just becomes something you do,
because closing is now a part of your process (see #6 above).
Going for the close is what differentiates the guys who get a lot of attention and
attraction from women but don't ever convert it to anything from the guys who take the
attention and attraction they get -- even if it's less than those first guys -- and turn it into
by Chase Amante
Friday, 10 September 2010
Ive been mentioning it for a while on here, but a friend pointed out to me recently that I have
yet to actually flesh out something Ive been referring to as the Law of Effort; henceforth
referred to as the Law of Least Effort for reasons of clarity.
When I say the Law of Least Effort, what Im referring to is a very simple, but very universal
and little-understood, social rule common to all forms of socializing (not limited to courtship and
seduction by any means, though certainly of substantial importance there as well, perhaps
especially so). Basically, that the person who appears to put the least amount of effort out,
while getting the largest amount of effort returned to him by others, comes across as the
most socially powerful.
Note the italics around the word appears in that bolded section of the second paragraph. We
arent necessarily talking about the person who is actually, literallytrying the least, but rather the
person who is able to accomplish the most with the appearance of putting in the least amount of
work.
Appearance. Its all appearance. Or, half appearance, half results. The appearance part is how
much effort youre expending; the actual-results part is what you actually get from others.
Think back to the Hard Push. Thats the nickname Ive given to the kind of persistence I talked
about in Dont Let Her Go. Its basically talking a girl out of leaving (or, alternatively, into
coming with you). If you were to watch me, or anyone who does this with any degree of
expertise, persuade a woman who was about to leave to instead stay, it would look like very little
effort was involved. All the guy persisting did was tell his girl four or five times not to go, give
her another reason to stick around each time, in a very laidback, relaxed tone, and she stuck
around.
Heres the rub, though: as effortless as it sounds, now ask a guy whos never done that before
how hard he might find it to do. For most men, this is so outside their experience and worldview
and seems so hard to them that it isnt even something theyd consider trying.
But, the appearance is that the man who persisted in a relaxed manner
andsucceeded achieved a great deal with very little expended effort. And because of that, he
looks quite powerful: he achieved a lot while hardly lifting a finger. Thats the appearance.
Think of every single man you have ever considered cool. Some of them may have been tall
guys; some of the may have been short guys; they may have been fat guys, skinny guys, old
guys, young guys, white guys, black guys, Asian guys, and everything in between. A colossal
variety of guys, all with different personalities, and probably with only one thing in common
amongst the lot of them: every man you think of as cool subconsciously knows and obeys
the Law of Least Effort. He does things that minimize the appearance of effort on his part,
while maximizing his results.
I personally have been (unconsciously) aware of the Law of Least Effort since seventh grade.
That was the age that I began learning the art of making the things I wanted come to me. I did
things like developing a sense of humor with a wit that appealed to both the students and the
teachers, that made teachers like me more and work with me better, and students like me more
and try to socialize with me more often. I dressed in cool, different clothing that attracted
attention passively, without me having to actively do anything. I found ways of positioning
myself around school so that pretty girls and cool kids would come into proximity with me, and I
made myself an attractive enough, interesting enough individual that the most popular girls in
school asked me out on dates, and the coolest kids in school asked me to go to their parties. If
that wasnt some good, solid positive reinforcement for me back then on the power of the Law of
Least Effort, I dont know what else could have been.
The funny thing is, I was putting in a lot of work in those days. I was probably working harder at
appearing effortless than anyone else was working at positioning themselves socially any other
way. The reason it was such hard work, I see now in retrospect, is because I was learning an
entirely new field: the art ofappearing effortless.
When I first began studying seduction, it really threw me off, because the way I went about it in
my early days, and the way I went about it after discovering the pickup community, was very
clearly a high-effort endeavor. It was no doubt obvious to women, despite my years of honing
my abilities at appearing effortless, that I was trying to meet girls.
Take a look at most of whats taught in the seduction community. Opinion openers? There is no
woman in a nightclub who really believes a man just had to know who lies more men or
women? She knows a guy whos walked up to her throwing an opinion opener at her is there to
meet her, and is doing his song and dance to gradually win her over. Routines? They
seem designed, in about 99 out of 100 cases, to impress and entertain.
Fortunately, I learned fairly early on under a few really smart guys whose focus on investment as
one of the pillars of attraction set me back on the course ofmaximizing the investment of the
women in my life while minimizing theappearance of my own investment. Again, the word
appearance is key there oftentimes, I was spending a greater deal of time and mental effort
and concern on women than perhaps any other companion theyd had before ever had, but I
always made an effort to make my effort appear effortless.
As you become increasingly familiar with investment and compliance, it pretty radically changes
your worldview. You notice even small, subtle things like how much of a womans body is
turned toward you, or how much of her mental energy and focus she is putting into a
conversation with you and calculate how much shes investing. You become hyper-aware of
investment.
As you become aware of investment more and more, you become more skilled atgetting
it. Because as you improve you can get investment faster and easier, you necessarily begin
to get it seemingly more effortlessly, as well, and very naturally increase your default level
of cool stemming from others perception of the balance of effort youre putting out and
effort youre receiving back. A focus on investment, over time, makes you cool almost by
default, because it indirectly teaches you the Law of Least Effort.
I typically like to give a lot of practical, real world tips and suggestions and examples on how to
use a technique Ive written about, but the Law of Least Effort is rather different than the kind of
thing you can immediately go out and start doing. Instead, its something that should influence
your thoughts and actions as you move through your interactions with others.
How can I get what I want while appearing as effortless as possible? you might ask yourself.
This is a great place to start, and a good launching pad for exploring the power of the Law of
Least Effort.
Some other good general tips:
1. Find ways to maximize the positive attention you receive passively. This includes
most fundamentals, like posture, nonverbals, and hair- and dress-styling. The more
positive attention you receive from people without having to actively do anything to get
it, the better.
2. Find ways to maximize your level of visible comfort. You should always be the most
comfortable person in the room. A good rule of thumb is, if you feelcomfortable,
you look comfortable. The more comfortable you look, the more confident, strong, and
effortless you appear.
3. Find ways to minimize your level of investment. One reason I got myself very good at
connecting with women rapidly was because once women feel a connection, they tend to
be incredibly talkative and talking, for me at least, is work. Its much easier to be the
listener while someone else talks and talks and if youre comfortable as you listen, you
appear to be expending far less effort, while the woman youre speaking with does her
best to impress and attract you.
4. Get good at giving orders and commands in a very relaxed, low-effort way. When
giving people orders or commands, you want to give those orders or commands in a
voice that is both dominant and demanding, but also relaxed and calm. The more
effortlessly you appear to state your demands, the more likely you are to get compliance
with those demands.
The Law of Least Effort is pervasive you will find it everywhere, in just about everything.
Learn it well, and begin applying it whenever you find yourself socializing. Youll be thrilled
when you see it in action appearing effortless is a critical part of being successful in dating,
relationships, and all manner of courtship and social interactions.
Nonverbal Communication
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 28 December 2010
The chief tenet of the Law of Least Effort in seduction is that the less effort you put in while
still achieving the desired result, the more powerful, attractive, and sexy you appear. One of the
most powerful ways of doing this is by learning to communicate without the use of words.
If youve ever studied very charismatic people I have, and I recommend it something youll
notice is that they frequently say things with fun, charming, wordless expressions. A smile
and a wink, say, or a mischievous look. For instance, maybe someone asks a charismatic man if
he can handle a certain situation he gives them the skeptical look with just a hint of a knowing
smile and then gets to it. Or maybe he gives a small smile, makes a thumbs up sign, and goes
about his business.
2. You are an extremely socially attuned man who is highly aware of the thoughts and
feelings of those around him and adept at communicating exactly the right message he
intends to communicate with no mixed signals.
These are the signs of a man in control of his own movements and outcomes socially, and the
signs of a leader. People are drawn to other people who possess the uncommon ability to
communicate without words effectively, and its a part of what we call charisma or
magnetism.
The Skeptical Look: follow the link for more information. The skeptical look is an
effective catch-all for people saying silly things to you (e.g., a girl telling you, I bet
youd love to get in my pants right now), people over-questioning you (e.g., youve
already said you can or will do something, and someone asks you, Are you sure?), and
people making requests you dont think are worth responding to (someone asks you,
Hey, give me your drink and go get another one, or, Lend me a hundred bucks, will
you?).
The Exasperated Look: the effect is the same as if you had sighed, except without being
quite so demonstrative. We want to be exact, yet subtle, with our nonverbal
communication. When youre trying to tell something to someone and she just isnt
getting it, or if she keeps trying to get you to do something that youre not going to do,
you can use this expression. To pull it off, you let your shoulders droop a bit, widen your
eyes, raise your eyebrows, and give yourself a slightly sad mouth.
The Thoughtful Look: used to communicate youre considering something. There are a
couple of different ways you can pull this one off, though my favorite is to pucker my
lips and take my eyes and look down and away, followed after a pause by turning my
head slightly away. You can also raise your hand up and rest it on your chin thoughtfully
as you look down and away with your eyes and preferably pucker your lips a bit.
The Clueless Look: if someone asks you something you dont know, or for your opinion
about something you dont have an opinion about (e.g., Where should we go eat?), you
can respond by shrugging your shoulders, raising your eyebrows, widening your eyes,
and pulling your mouth down in a slightly exaggerated frown to nonverbally say, I dont
know. Interesting note: the facial expression used here is a more exaggerated version of
the one used in the exasperated look, with higher eyebrows, wider eyes, and a bigger
frown plus shrugging shoulders instead of drooping ones.
The Cocky Smile: if someone asks you if you really think you can do something, or a
girl makes a comment that builds you up (e.g., Well arent you cocky? or, Hmm, you
must be really good in bed), you can use this to reply in a very effective, very
nonchalant way. Youll basically droop your eyelids just a bit adopting bedroom eyes
turn your head so that youre looking at the girl out of the corner of your eyes (sexy eye
contact), and smile more with one side of your mouth a half-smile, though youre still
smiling on the other side of your face, just not as pronounced.
The Okaaaaay Look: for when someone just says something very insulting or
uncalled for or extremely random and bizarre. For this one, youll pucker and purse your
lips out, hold eye contact for a moment, then slide your eyes off to a corner looking to the
side. You can follow this one up by changing your mouth to a half-grimace; check out
Robert Downey, Jr. in Iron Man, he uses this expression a few times throughout the
movie. Effective for throwing off people who are busting your balls.
Even when there are no spectators though even if youre alone in your home with just
you and your girl its helpful to imagine an audience, though. The reason I say this is so is
because there often wont be immediate feedback from your girl she may be irritated and
laying into and not respond immediately to a skeptical look, or she may be busting your balls
and not respond to your okaaaaay look. Without immediate feedback, particularly for
people new to nonverbal responses, theres the chance that you end up second-guessing yourself
and losing confidence in your nonverbal responses. Trust me though, even if she doesnt respond
instantly, shes registering your nonverbal responses and recognizing you as a sexy, more
powerful, more charismatic man. Even if you dont see it right away, trust that theyre working,
and if you must, do it for your imaginary audience.
~~~~~~~~~~
Wordless, nonverbal communication is one of these things that not a lot of people do but that
you will see strong results from once you have it down. Personally, situations that used to drive
me crazy are now sources of great satisfaction for me for instance, a girl starts busting my
balls, and I give her the skeptical look, and she cuts it out and instantly becomes a lot more
romantically and sexually forward (note: girls giving you the hardest time are quite often also the
horniest girls and are giving you a hard time because theyre agitated and looking for a man who
will put them in their place (socially) and give them what they need (sexually)).
I recommend a lot of movie watching, mainly because there are certain things you simply cant
teach via text. This is about as good a job as I can do of trying to describe facial expressions and
nonverbal communication in a blog article; hopefully I didnt do too terrible a job, but I do
recommend checking out movies and seeing if you can spot these communications. Seeing one
of these gives you a much better idea how to execute it than any amount of type-written
explanation. A pictures worth a thousand words, goes the saying
Highly suggest you start incorporating nonverbal communication as a top priority if you havent
already, though. Its a remarkable social tool thats under-discussed, under-used, but inordinately
effective. If you want to cut time from your interactions, get past the bullshit, and move fast
with girls, word-free communication will help you get there.
Yours,
Chase Amante
by Chase Amante
Monday, 20 June 2011
What's more attractive: saying, "Hey, how's it going?" or smiling, waving, motioning a
girl over, and giving her a hug without a word?
What's more attractive: telling a girl, "I like you," or gazing at her dreamily without a
word?
Yeah, right -- you've got it. No need to go on needlessly with examples here. Going wordless
just feels more attractive and powerful.
That's because you, like all people and in fact in fact, even pretty much all animate animals, as
far as I can tell (coral need not apply... sorry, science joke), judge power: the more powerful
individuals move less, say less, and communicate more with their nonverbals.
Imagine two big male gorillas courting a female gorilla. One of the big males runs around,
makes a lot of vocalizations, beats his chest a lot, and basically tries to look really loud and
strong and active. The other one sits there comfortably, lounging back with a bunch of bananas,
flashes a gorilla smile at the girl gorilla, and motions her over. Who's going to get the gorilla
girl?
Most males (male humans included) mistake noise and activity for power, so they try to
substitute a lot of that. Male gorillas beat their chests and yell and run around; human males talk
females' ears off, buy them drinks, and try to position themselves as more impressive than other
men.
What goes unrealized by 99% of males, and capitalized on by the other 1%, is that individuals
who are actually powerful don't run around going crazy trying to be impressive.
Instead, they exude impressiveness. And part of the secret to exuding that impressiveness is
doing things with a minimum of effort; thus, nonverbal.
It's a lot easier to say something with a subtle gesture than it is to put together a string of
words and belt it out in to the air. Because its substantially easier -- and because nonverbal
communication strikes a far more primal chord in others than spoken language does -- it makes
its users seem a lot more solid and a lot more socially intelligent.
Attraction itself works out like this: men are attracted to looks in women, but women don't care
so much about men's looks. Women are more interested in finding powerful, confident men.
Looks are nice, but they get minor consideration compared to confidence and raw, real power.
Not scary power; not the guys who walk around acting like... well... gorillas, though there is a
certain subset of women to whom that appeals.
But what women really are attracted to is men who seem confident in that their desired outcomes
are secured.
Men who are merely trying will work hard to get their points across and show women that
they're listening and that they understand those women, to make sure those women understand
that they understand. There's this whole song and dance most guys go through, being overly
expressive, trying to hammer home the fact to women that they're present there in the
conversation, that they're attractive guys, and that yes, they're listening and paying attention and
thinking about what she has to say.
Men who are confident women will get them don't do this. They just make small, simple, but
clear nonverbal gestures that they know women will understand.
You might even say it's a way of signaling past successes; guys who haven't been successful
with women are going to have a very hard time emulating the minute nonverbal attraction
signals that men who have know how to pull off.
Fortunately, even if you're just starting out, there are a number of these nonverbal attraction
signals you can start doing now that are going to help you find a lot more success
communicating with women nonverbally right away. Let's have a look at what some of them are.
Check these guys out and emulate their nonverbal reactions -- both facial expressions and other
forms of nonverbal communication. There's tons of stuff there.
Communicating nonverbally... a full how-to post on this would basically end up being booklength, so rather than attempt to break down an entire form of communication in an Internet post,
what I'm going to do here is give you a primer to get you started on communicating effectively
nonverbally, as a tool to use with English speakers and non-English speakers alike.
Here's when to use nonverbal, along with some examples of nonverbal in each context:
1. As a substitute for words. You'll find that, quite often during a conversation, a simple
head nod can be enough to signify you understand. A craning of the neck or shrugging of
the eyebrows with widened eyes can communicate you don't understand. And a slow,
knowing half-smile can communicate you know exactly what she's saying. Used
correctly, you can replace a lot of your normal verbal communication with nonverbal
communication. You can point to things (like a hat) and make a confused gesture (say, a
confused facial expression plus shrugging your shoulders and holding your hands out
expressively) to ask a girl to explain something, or just to make her laugh at something
silly about her that she obviously knows is silly.
2. As an addition to words. Telling a girl, "Come and sit," ends up being far more
powerful when you couple that command with a patting of the seat next to you. Telling
her, "Let's head over there," while craning your neck in that direction or motioning that
way while turning your body as if to start walking adds a great deal of thrust. Saying, "I
see," then pausing verbally as your eyes glide off to the right and you turn your head ever
so slightly as if considering the point makes you sound as though you've understood that
much more. Again, you can skip the verbal with any of these and the gesture's still likely
to get the message across powerfully. Only use the verbal part of this communication if
you think it's necessary for avoiding an investment imbalance problem.
3. As a sign of interest. The old "triangle gazing" routine -- of looking at a girl's eyes, then
down to her mouth -- is in this category; things you do nonverbally that express interest.
Using eye contact flirting is one of these. Using bedroom eyes -- lowered eyelids and a
sort of dreamy expression -- while looking at women is another. There are even certain
head movements you can do -- straightening yourself up slightly while moving your head
a little bit in one direction while tilting it slightly in the other -- that signify piquing
interest.
But one of the most potent ways to use nonverbal attraction, if you ask me, is combining these
things with your verbally speaking -- not commands or comments, but while you're actually
doing your talking. Because there are two things you must mind with women:
What you'll find is this: even when a girl doesn't understand you one bit because she speaks
a foreign language, if you talk to her while using effective nonverbal attraction techniques,
she'll become desirous of you.
So you might meet a girl who doesn't speak English, and you start talking to her. "I'm sorry, I
don't understand," she says. Or maybe she just shakes her head and says, "Sorry."
You say, "That's okay," and smile at her warmly. You can tell she's interested. You take her hand
and pull her along. "Let me show you this," you say. You're not sure if she understands you or
not; it doesn't really matter. You've said something just to fill the void, but it doesn't really matter
what you said. The only thing that matters is that she's attracted to you -- predominantly because
of your nonverbals.
You start talking about very light, silly stuff -- "Romania! I love it here!" Get her involved, point
to her, then point to the ground and then gesture all around you -- "You, here? Love it?" put your
hands over your heart. "Or no?" as you make a stern-but-silly facial expression and wave no,
while glancing away from her briefly (quick tip: avoid saying or gesturing "no" while looking at
a girl directly; you can inadvertently / subconsciously send her into auto-rejection).
She shakes her head and laughs, still not understanding you. "I'm sorry...!" she starts.
"It's okay!" you say, very loudly, playfully, happily, and expressively. Gesture wildly that it
doesn't matter. "I like you even if you don't understand a word I'm saying!" She'll probably still
be laughing, because you're being a little silly, but still moving things forward, and she's
attracted, and she knows you're attracted. Just do this a little more, and move very fast towards
your logistics. Keep leading; tell her where you're going, gesture towards it, be fun and
spontaneous, and keep leading.
She'll try to leave. Don't let her go. Gesture very expressively, with a mock-concerned look on
your face, for her to follow. Again, be extremely expressive. "No, you mustn't go!" you tell her.
"We're not this far, just this way! Come, young lady, you must accompany me!" Continue
gesturing and verbally commanding her (even though she doesn't understand). Much of the time,
she'll relent, laughing, and go with you.
Then you get her alone, kiss her right away, and the two of you get together.
That's what being a sexy man is about. It's not about words much, at all. Being sexually
attractive and compelling to women is largely about nonverbal factors.
I have a theory. My theory is, if you took two men who were equally clueless with women, and
you taught one of them a lot of great lines, stories, openers, and other verbal tech, and you taught
another one of them a lot of sexual body language, and sexy facial expressions, and how to move
and look and seem like a very confident, bold, sexually attractive individual, and how to lead
boldly and decisively and rapidly, that second guy would kill the first guy in results: more girls,
higher quality girls, and stronger relationships.
Because here's what happens. When a guy's sexy, women just naturally tend to be a lot warmer
to him, a lot friendlier to him, and a lot more desirous of him most of the time. They give him
more leeway; he gets further along with them; and he builds more confidence in the meantime.
The guy who isn't sexy keeps beating his head against the wall trying to figure out the right thing
to say, whereas the sexy guy gets so many opportunities with women that he gets to know them
so well that the right thing to say just becomes obvious over time.
If you take one point away from this article, I'd recommend you take away this: given the choice
of working on either learning the right things to say, or learning the right ways to be and
act around women, opt for the second one almost every time. You'll get a lot more mileage
out of it.
And I'll talk to you next time.
Always,
Chase Amante
Hey MigzWhen I first started telling girls to stay, and refusing to chase, I didn't have unwavering
confidence in it either. Actually, I didn't think it would work. But I just made myself doing it,
and then it worked, and then I realized, "Holy crap! If I just tell girls to stay a few times, maybe
70% of the time they just do what I tell them and stay!"
Kinda makes you feel like the most powerful guy on Earth ;)
The key to breaking out of ARM and the friend zone is pretty much one and the same: get them
giving you some small (or large) compliance, and then make them feel really good for having
done it.
So, like, she's being cold to you and on the fringes of auto-rejection. You motion her over, she
resists; you smile like you would at an impish child, glance away a bit, and continue motioning
her over, now without looking at her / while looking to the side. She comes. You immediately
become really warm, sexy, and flirtatious with her as a reward for her coming over, then move
her right away and start getting into some solid rapport. Now she feels firmly rewarded for
having done as you've asked.
If you use that with those gals who've been a little weird around you, you'll see a pretty quick
turnaround, but you'll have to either build a really serious friendship with them fast (if you want
them as friends), or you'll have to get them in bed fast (if you want them as lovers), or else they'll
go back to ARM / friendzoning you and it'll be three times as hard to get them out the next time.
I have indeed taken a Myers Briggs, and I am indeed an ENTJ. You sound like a pro ;) In my
experience, this stuff does work well on the feelers too -- though reactions are a little different.
The thinkers respond with more curiosity and excitement, whereas the feelers tend to get these
swirling emotional responses to it, similar to "falling in love." I do tend to date thinkers though,
too; feelers and I clash too much on a personality level (I'm guilty of considering them "soft;"
perhaps they also think me too "hard").
Actually, I have to be really careful with the feelers, as once they lower their walls and let
themselves feel around you, they can get pretty attached pretty quick. Obviously, as you get
better with people, you also increasingly assume a degree of responsibility for how you make
those around you feel, and as you become someone others are drawn to more, it's important to
try and avoid them coming out of an interaction feeling like you judged them unworthy of a
further relationship, not "good enough," etc.
Glad you like the blog!
Chase
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 22 November 2012
Early in my seduction career, I studied everything I could from the guys I considered the "top
guys" who'd come before me. But I especially focused on the guys who really good were but
who didn't know how to market themselves... essentially, the hidden gems of seduction.
What I realized was that the mainstream school of thought on picking up women was almost as
dogmatic as mainstream society itself; while mainstream society believed in:
Be nice to women
Take things slow
Just be yourself
Pay for dates
No sex until the third date
The pickup community at the time I entered also had its own tenets, chiefly:
Which to me seemed a definite step up and an improvement from what mainstream society
preaches, but... it still seemed a bit too limiting and contrived.
Why do you need some complicated procedure to "show your value" to women? Why do you
have to go through some whole song and dance just to get girls?
I ended up searching out unconventional teachers and older guys in the community who'd largely
vanished from the main forums and hang outs, convinced I could learn the things from them that
the rest of the devotees of the social and seductive arts seemed not to know.
And by and large, I did.
And one of the greatest lessons I learned from these studies was how to find out the answer to
the question "what does she want?" using a forgotten technique its originator called "eliciting
values."
I'm going to teach you that technique today.
Both mainstream society and the pickup community share one common flaw in how they think
about women: that women are all the same.
That they all think the same ways, and want the same things.
That their emotions respond identically to identical stimuli.
That their buttons can all be pushed to the same effect, if pushed the same way.
And it's not true.
Not by a long shot.
Here's what I mean Take a look again at some typical advice from mainstream society:
Be nice to women
Take things slow
Just be yourself
Pay for dates
No sex until the third date
What's this assume? Well, it assumes that, no matter WHO you are or WHAT you're like or
WHAT any particular woman may want or need or require in her life at any particular time,
women universally:
Meanwhile, take a look again at some typical advice from the pickup community:
What's this assume? Well, this advice assumes that, once again, no matter WHO you are or
WHAT you're like or WHAT any particular woman may want or need or require in her life at
any particular time, women universally:
Lose interest in all men who take longer than 3 seconds to say "hello"
Are slow to warm up to men, and require time to become comfortable with them
Are not interested in men until those men show them why they should be
Are difficult to get, so you need a highly systematized procedure to get them
Will not engage in sex with men earlier than 7 hours in (unless it's a "fools mate")
Both sets of advice share the same core assumption: that women are all the same and all
want the same things.
Which is baloney.
Think about a man. Are there men out there who want nothing but a sex partner as fast as
possible? How about men out there who want a committed long term relationship? How about
men who want romance and adventure? How about men who want... anything?
Sure. You know there are.
Well guess what? The same is true for women.
And when you limit yourself to a core set of beliefs of "Women won't do this" and "Women
always do that," you also limit your success with them - to only the women who want what
you think they want.
Her, and
You.
A really nice guy who texts her all the time to talk and goes shopping with her
A charming, suave man she meets who has a good career and is fun to be with
An older, fatherly gentleman who's her boss at work and gives her good advice
A saucy, edgy rock musician who plays in a local band at some of the local bars
What's she want from each of these guys? Is it the same thing... or could it be different?
Yeah, of course - obviously it's going to be different.
You don't need to take 4 years of women's studies to figure that out.
Now, if you know a thing or two about what women want, you'll know that for Cassie, our
Average Jane, it isn't just somewhat different things she wants from each of these men, but often
the fact is she wants some very different things from each of them:
She wants to just be friends with the nice guy she talks and shops with
She wants a relationship with the charming guy she likes who has a good job
She wants her advice-giving boss as a platonic supporter and father figure
She wants to hook up with the exciting, edgy rock musician, no strings attached
Why? Why does what she want differ for each of these men?
It's because they have different things to offer her.
The friendly guy's greatest value to her is as a friend.
The charming guy with a good job has potential to be a great boyfriend.
The boss's largest source of value to her life is as an advice-giving supporter.
And the rock musician's greatest value to her life is as an exciting hook up.
She's not going to get very excited about sex with the platonic guy friend or boss, after all... in
fact, she'll cringe at the very thought of it! Conversely, she might be excited about sleeping with
the charming guy... BUT, she doesn't want to risk losing what could be a great shot at a great
relationship for something as trivial as a roll in the hay, so she'll make him wait, and try and get
a relationship. The rock musician, on the other hand, she'd really enjoy sleeping with him, but if
he wants to keep seeing her afterward he might find it doesn't last long, because he simply
doesn't have much to offer an upwardly mobile career woman like herself aside from some cheap
thrills and good sex.
One woman. Four different men. Four different things she wants from each of them.
Now, some questions to put this all in perspective. Let's say each of these four men would really
like to date Cassie and have her as his girlfriend. Riddle me this:
1. Of the four men, which is best served by the mainstream advice - you know, "Be
yourself, don't move too fast, pay for her on dates," etc.? If you said "the boyfriend
prospect"... you'd be right!
2. And of the four men, which is best served by the pickup community advice - you
know, "Show higher value, get 7+ hours of face and talk time with her, follow the
method and do the right things," etc.? Again... it's the boyfriend prospect, isn't it?
Imagine the friend, boss, or rock musician trying to "just be themselves," take three dates before
they do anything, and pay for dates for Cassie. The first two get written off as not attractive
enough, and the third gets written off as not being nearly as sexy or dominant as she
thought he was.
And it's the exact same story for the pickup community advice.
Both lines of recommendations - mainstream and pickup - would have you prove your worth to
her; show her, over a series of time, why YOU measure up better as a prospective boyfriend than
any other contender... why you BLOW the competition out of the water.
And unless you're Superman - unless you really are charming, and suave, and on-point, and
you've got a great job, and do everything right - the only women you're going to get with either
of these recommendations regularly are going to be women who are beneath what you should be
getting in terms of looks, intellect, ambition, and personality.
The purpose of advice is supposed to be helping you to get past the competition. But both of
these paths just tell you to assume all women are the same, all women want the same thing out of
every man they meet, and to just wade in there and try to be the shiniest object in every category
possible.
Whereas the whole time instead, you could've just asked yourself, "What does she want really?" then become that, and skipped the competition entirely.
Driver
Analytical
Expressive
Amiable
Each of these archetypes has a different way of interacting with the salesman:
1. Drivers are very direct, speak loudly and firmly, and only want to know "what"
something will do... they just want a basic answer, and don't want to get bogged down
with details.
2. Analyticals, in contrast to drivers, want to know every little detail about a thing; how's it
work, how long will it work for, what happens if it doesn't work, what are its ratings in
this area and that area and the other area, how long is the warranty for, what's the
warranty cover, etc. They're logical, methodical, and highly detail-oriented.
3. Expressives don't care so much about the product, per se - what they care about is YOU!
They want to talk, bond, and form a connection - it's all about the human touch for them.
4. Amiables are the ones who just want everybody to get along. They're soft spoken, meek,
and humble, and they aren't comfortable saying "no." Instead, they'll say "yes," and then
just not do something if they don't want to do it. They are, in a word, agreeable.
And what would you think is the best sales tactic for each of these personality types?
Using the same sales strategy with each one?
Hardly.
It turns out that each disposition responds best to a salesman who ALSO has that disposition.
And in sales training, they teach you how to recognize these four personality types... and how to
quickly assume their characteristics yourself to best sell to the prospect.
If he's analytical, hit him with details; make him feel like he understands every nuance of the
product. If he's expressive, get to know him; make small talk, make conversation, and make him
feel connected. If he's amiable, just be nice, and don't be too loud. And if he's driver, DO be
loud, and be direct, and DON'T crowd him with details. Just tell him what it is, how much it is,
and ask him if he wants to get started.
And women are just like this.
to ever find out her real history, or how many partners she'd had, or her true feelings about sex,
you might well relegate her to your "Horrible Dirty Sluts" bin.
Conversely, if you think that women are wild crazy naughty things by default, and overly
conservative women are more like nuns than girls, if a girl likes you she's going to show you this
side of her personality as much as possible, even if she isn't exactly the wildest of the wild
bunch.
Women are mirrors because it helps them attain their objectives with men, which are
several fold:
1. Not suffer reputation damage that could impede future mating
2. Keep sufficient male support from diverse enough men as a survival mechanism
3. Find men to fulfill mating and relationship roles
They go in that order of importance. If a woman risks suffering reputation damage by being
honest with you, she will not be honest with you. This means, if you're judgmental, you won't
get the full story because you can't be trusted not to think poorly of her, and make her feel bad,
or spread rumors about her to others.
If you're safe from causing reputation damage but you offer her enough support (see: "Can I
Help You?"), her top priority becomes securing that support from you.
If you're no threat to her reputation, don't offer her much or anything support-wise, but do offer
her reproductive value, then the doors are open to you for fast intimacy.
And depending on which stage you fall in, you'll see a different side of each woman.
1. Reputation risk: she'll act like the penultimate good girl around you, and chances are
you'll never be more than just friends.
2. No reputation risk, but offer plenty of non-sexual value to her life: she'll act like a
charming girl, coy and conservative, to keep you intrigued but at arms length, to make
sure she has a steady supply of the value you provide without mixing sex (a risk factor
for having things blow up and her losing your value) into it.
3. No reputation risk, not much non-sexual value on offer, lots of sexual value offered:
she'll be direct, blunt, short with you; or entranced, enamored, and affectionate with you;
or, if she's inexperienced, very nervous and excited with you.
But of course, that's all in how she reflects back to you what she sees in you. Obviously, you
want to get her to #3 to have the best chance of getting together with her (and after you've slept
with her, you can always start dialing up the non-sexual value offered to her as well if you want
to move into a boyfriend role).
So how do you get her to see you the way you want her to see her?
By you becoming the mirror to her first, and allowing her to mirror you second, rather than
you just being you and her mirroring you, as usually happens with men and women, and as
happens in both the mainstream and the usual pickup community scenarios.
You want to find out the answer to "What does she want?"
And then, once you know it, you want to become it.
Where most guys in pickup and in mainstream society alike go wrong though is launching into
detailed stories about things that THEY think are high value... that the girl herself doesn't relate
to at all!
So the guy think's he's showing how impressive he is... and the girl just thinks he's being a dolt.
She gets turned off, leaves, and he wonders what happened. He thought he was so valuable!
But it was the wrong kind of value, because they didn't elicit out of her what she values first.
(and if you feel disappointed to not be able to share EVERYTHING about yourself right away,
realize that this is only the initial courtship and mating phase - once she realizes that she likes
you a lot and the two of you become lovers, you can show every side of yourself to her that you
care to and she'll be a lot more open to and accepting of the whole of you than she was before the
two of you were together)
Here are the questions you want to ask, and why you want to ask them:
1. Is that what you want to do forever? The reason you ask this - about her career, or
her planned career, if she's in school - is to find out how ambitious she is. If she wants an
ordinary 9-to-5 job for the rest of her life and you start talking about your dream of
someday having your own lunar colony, you're going to lose her. Conversely, if she tells
you she wants to be the governor of Oklahoma and you tell her you'd be happy to spend
the rest of your life fixing vacuum cleaners, you'll lose her there too.
Find out how deep her ambitions go - then relate to her on them.
2. Have you traveled much, or do you want to? If this is anything other than an
emphatic "yes!" then you want to avoid the subject of travel like a plague. Some women
find the idea of travel intoxicating and alluring - if this is the case, they'll make this clear
as day the instant you ask about it, trust me. Then you're free to talk about traveling all
you like and they'll view you as a man of romance and mystery.
If, on the other hand, they think travel is weird and unusual and don't understand why
anyone would want to do it, if you start talking about how well-traveled you are, guess
what: now YOU'RE weird and unusual and unable to be understood! So, it's very
important you broach this subject lightly first - and direct your conversation accordingly.
3. When you've got free time, what do you do? Let's say you play video games, work
out at the gym, and take salsa lessons. If she plays video games and you talk to her about
working out, she's going to think you're a big dumb jock and potentially out of her
league. If she takes dance lessons, and you talk about video games, she's going to think
you're a nerd. If she's a fitness nut and you talk about dance, she's going to think you're
not serious about your body. Find out what she does with her free time, and talk
about the most related things that you do, leaving the unrelated things out of the
discussion altogether.
If all her activities are boring, just get off this topic ASAP. No need for you to relate to
her on boring stuff and convince her that you're every bit as boring as her. Boring people
don't want to be around other boring people, they want people who can bring a little
enthusiasm (that they can relate to) into their lives.
4. Ever go on any crazy adventures? This one's all about finding out how much of a
thrill seeker she is. Generally speaking, the more of a thrill seeker she is, the bigger the
green light you'll have to get sexual, move things fast, and be direct. The less of a thrill
seeker she is, the more conservatively and cautiously you'll want to take things, and the
less you'll want to talk about your own crazy adventures (and the more toned-down you'll
want them to sound if you do).
One exception: the girl who acts really bored at this question, like it's a big joke. THIS
girl you can get sexual with and move faster on than almost anyone... as soon as you start
picking up a relaxed "don't give a crap" attitude from a girl, that's a green light to move
fast and be direct, because she doesn't like or tolerate longwinded conversations or much
beating around the bush.
5. How far do you usually plan ahead? The reason you ask this is to gauge her reaction.
If she starts going into some detailed answer on her long-term planning, she's analytical
and methodical, which means you need to take more time with her, really break down
what she's looking for in a man, and be that. If she acts confused or annoyed at the
question, she's kind of ditzy; just change the topic. If she laughs and says proudly that she
DOESN'T plan ahead, she's a thrill seeker who lives for the moment - so you'll want to
generate excitement, fun, and a thrilling ending for your date.
6. What was your childhood like? This is another chance to find out more about her was she a good student and a bookworm (in which case, she's most open to a captivating,
romantic seducer who can bring to life the fantasies she read about so many times as a
girl); was she a tomboy and troublemaker (in which case, you want to be more blunt and
direct with her, and talk about some of the trouble YOU used to get in); did she have a
rough childhood (in which case she needs a man to SAVE her, but you don't want to go
overboard on this or she'll want to suck you into a long-term platonic savior role; instead,
offer her words of condolence in an almost neutral voice tone to show you understand
without becoming an emotional tampon).
7. What do you think of me so far? This gets you her feedback on you, and helps you
gauge where you're at - she'll tell you things she likes (you'll want to amplify them
throughout the remainder of the conversation, with subtlety), things she doesn't
understand (you'll want to avoid them for the remainder of the conversation), or she may
tease you or flirt with you (if there's a sexual vibe there, it's time to take her home).
8. And is that good? Ask her this after anything she says about you that's she doesn't
attach a clear value judgment to (e.g., "Well, you're incredibly ambitious" when she
hasn't mentioned whether she's ambitious herself or not yet). Remember to pay attention
to her emotion, not her words ("Yeah, that's pretty good," said with unenthusiastic tones
mean, "Not for me," whereas, "I think it's great," said with very warm tones means she
likes it a LOT), and use this feedback to adjust accordingly.
You'll notice I left a few things out, specifically:
I've tested these and many other varieties, but they all tend to lead to the woman feeling like it's a
higher-pressure "relationship evaluation" type date, where you're respecting her for how
satisfactory she is as a relationship partner, or, conversely, what she looks for in a relationship
partner. These questions cause her to slow down and place you in the prospective
boyfriends bin.
For that reason, I find it's generally better to NOT talk about relationships at all during an
interaction with a woman, and simply get to know what she's looking for in men indirectly
through the 8 questions I outlined above.
That way, you as the conversationalist get your answer to "what does she want?" without
having to actually come out and tell her you're trying to find out what she wants.
All that's left for you after that then is for you to simply become it.
Here's to being the mirror.
Chase Amante
Hey Prince,
I think I understand the confusion. I probably should've been clearer on the tone / context you
use that one in.
The way you'll use this one is actually quite different from, "Tell me what you're after," because
what you're doing with that one is A) handing her the power to decide where the interaction
goes, and B) communicating to her that you don't know what she wants, which means you're not
in control and don't really get her. So you want to avoid that one.
To picture how to use "What do you think of me?" properly, imagine you're talking to a really
gorgeous, sexy woman. The conversation's gone on for some time, and it's become quite a close
conversation... and she's firmly in control. At this point, you know you're not calling the shots...
all you can do is HOPE she likes you as much as you like her.
Then, at a particularly intense and intimate moment in the conversation, when she's got you
going on and on about your opinions on something (women, life, etc.), she leans across the table,
stares you in the eyes, and says, in the most sultry voice you can imagine, "And what do you
think of ME?"
You stutter and stumble a bit, not quite sure what to say. What do you SAY to that? You sit there
and mumble something out about what you like about her... and at that point you know she's
won. She's TOTALLY in control. She's making you tell her what you like about her, and you
know she doesn't even CARE what you like about her. She OWNS you.
That's the kind of impact you're looking to give women with that question. It needs to be used
deep in conversation, and it needs to be used when you have her going on and on about what she
thinks about things. When she's starting to feel like, "Wow, I am talking WAY too much... I'm
totally trying to impress him!" Then you just drop that one like a bomb and cement the fact that
yes, she wants you and you're in charge.
Occasionally, even if you time it perfectly, she'll take it in stride, and her reaction gives you a lot
to go off of - if she's flirty and sexy about it, you know she knows the game, and she's enjoying
it, too. If she's kind of awkward and non-sexual, but not nervous about it, then either the magic is
fading or you didn't screen her properly enough for attraction early on and are talking to a girl
who isn't all that into you.
However it goes though, a lot of times you can use this one as a coup de grace on the
conversation and really hammer home the point that you're running the show - which is the kind
of thing that most women dream of experiencing with a man, but many never do.
Cheers,
Chase
Hi Anon,
Heh. Tough corner to squeeze out of, right?
The preferred way of responding to this (in my opinion) is maintaining steady eye contact with
her, crinkling up your nose, and saying, with a mischievous tone, "You're all right. [pause] What
do YOU think of ME?"
This way, rather than buckle on the tough question, you tease her back, implying that you like
her (since you're flirting), then follow that up with a challenge.
Another way, if you're not quite able to capture the right spirit for that one, is to simply toss it
back to her and change it from an emotionally-charged question into a logical one: "Well, that
depends. Do you mean your personality, your life plans, the way you drink your coffee... what
do you want an opinion on?"
That sucks the wind out of her sails and puts the steering wheel of the conversation back in your
hands.
Chase
Hey Jo,
I assume you mean regarding girls you slept with, both ones that happened quickly and ones that
took a long time, right?
Women tend to have mixed feelings about men they sleep with quickly. Often they think, "Oh,
he's not a quality guy at ALL!" which is why they slept with the guy right away, instead of
making him wait. But, at the same time, they ALSO think, "Wow, he is a WAY more powerful
guy than those other guys I've been with who had to chase me for months... this guy got me in
one date!"
Which one a woman chooses often depends on what she wants. When she's at a place in her life
where she isn't as concerned with "settling down," she'll opt for more powerful and attractive
every time. If it took a guy a long time to get with her, he's already starting off on the wrong
foot, and he's also probably far more invested in her than she is in him at that point, leading to a
value imbalance (she's more dominant in the relationship than she is, leading to declining
attraction from her to him). So she'll lose interest and opt to pursue a more exciting man.
Once women enter "settle down mode" though, this reverses, and they begin auto-rejecting the
exciting guys. These women actually become more likely to leave guys they slept with quickly,
assuming right away that they aren't long term material, and look to land a guy who's invested in
them and pursued them for a while. (incidentally, most of the "Screw you for learning / teaching
pickup!" female commenters this and other sites get are these girls in auto-rejection toward
"exciting" men; the ones who aren't in settle down mode either think it's "cool" or they don't
care).
On understanding why attraction expires quickly for men, but not for women: think of women as
being in a race against the clock, where they've basically got to find the best choice they can get
and hold onto before time's up (they become unable to reproduce / they become so old that they
struggle to land quality men anymore). They need to keep moving, and can't hold on to men who
won't deliver on one aspect of what they need or another. Men who can't execute on the most
basic aspects of mating (e.g., actually mating with them) get discarded quickly and get little
consideration, simply because they don't have time.
For a better example, imagine two tribes of women living 40,000 years ago; the women of one
tribe spend years pining after every man they get feelings for who don't want them or won't put
out; the other tribe of women very quickly moves on and replaces their men. Which tribe of
women is more likely to reproduce before menopause sets in, and thus pass on its genes to the
women who exist today? Clearly, the one that maximizes its ability to reproduce with the highest
quality male it can get and hold onto in the window of time it has to look around.
Men don't have this consideration. In fact, for men, it doesn't make sense to move on... a man
could date one girl, break up with her, date others, still get back together with the first one, or
even date 3 or 4 women at once - and reproduce with them ALL. The MAN's optimal mating
strategy is to try to maximize his number of concurrent mating partners, so long as he has the
resources to support his children with all of them, and not move on from ANY of them.
It's a big part of why women do most of the breaking up and most of the divorcing. Men aren't
the ones (usually) who get unhappy and strike off in search of a new partner, and men also aren't
the ones (usually) who move on quickly to find someone else right away to have in a
relationship. Women are, because they can only mate with one male at a time, and time is always
their enemy.
Chase
Howdy Garrett,
My apologies for anything confusing. Feel free to let me know if something doesn't click. I don't
remember ever saying that bright colors didn't get me much attention; could be you're
misremembering what I had to say in the peacocking article?
Sexy requires a sense of style. Fashion sense. It requires a man to be able to put an
outfit together, and not simply throw the brightest, flashiest elements he can find
together and hope to maximize his ability to attract attention.
Which is not to say bright colors don't work; it's simply that there's more to fashion than simply
wearing colors that pop. It's been my experience that wearing a bright red color will get you a lot
of attention, however, and I've had friends who've had great luck with this and there's even
research backing it up now too. But you want it to be tastefully done; say, a bright red shirt with
a dark colored jacket.
With regards to this article, what specifically had you confused?
Re: conservative girls and getting intimate quickly, you've got a couple of questions there:
1. If she says she's conservative / wants to take things slowly: dismiss this quickly with
a, "Cool, cool," or a, "Yeah, sure," and move on with the conversation. Actually
conservative girls don't say they're conservative or say they want to take things slowly;
they're too conservative to think or talk about sex in the first place. They won't even
want to broach the topic and hope you won't either, and they'll be very nervous when sex
comes up, not firm. So if she's talking about how conservative she is or how slowly she
wants to take things, take it as something to be ignored and continue on as usual; it's a
front designed to raise her relationship value.
2. How do you know what a woman wants based on what she says? You don't; you go
based off of what she doesn't say. One woman might tell you she wants to hop in bed
with you like crazy, but no matter what you try you will never bed her. Another girl
might tell you she's dying for you to just come be her boyfriend; and yet, she'll keep
dodging your date invitations. Another will tell you she takes things slowly and NEVER
has sex on the first date and that you better not push things too hard or you'll loser her; a
few hours into your first date, you're lovers. Never listen to words; listen to actions,
behavior, voice tones, and subtexts.
Best way for knowing where a girl's at: escalate things with her. Move her. You'll know exactly
where she's at based off of her responses. A woman's words are not to be believed; but her
reactions to your leadership, even with those women who are exceptionally talented with men,
will never mislead you.
Cheers,
Chase
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
The biggest advantage of cold reading is its cost-benefit. The cost to you of an incorrect cold
read is pretty low -- she tells you you're wrong, and then tells you what the actual truth is. Cool,
now you know more about her and the two of you have connected more.
But the benefit of a correct cold read can be huge. Cold reads that are on the mark can really
propel an interaction forward -- they can take women who were closed off, with their walls up,
and just knock those walls flat to the ground and get those women connecting with you as fast as
they can.
It can be pretty amazing to see it work.
Because of this, I tend to view cold reading as one of those skills that's peripheral to the critical
path of a seduction -- it's not moving a girl, and it's not building the actual connection with her,
and it's not getting physical with her, etc. -- but when properly employed, it can play a solid role
in moving things forward.
At times, it can even be a game changer.
But how do you cold read?
Well, as it turns out, it isn't as hard as you might think. And best of all, you don't even have to be
able to read minds to pull it off.
When you start employing cold reading as a regular part of your repertoire, you'll find you
quickly start blowing past the walls women have constructed -- even with the women most
experienced at constructing those walls and keeping you in the hot seat.
Knowing how to cold read is one of those skills you might not ever think to develop just for
the sake of developing it -- but if you make it a point to every now and then make an educated
guess about women you're talking to, and put it out there to find out if you're right or not, in time
you can come to be extremely adept at telling people about themselves after knowing just a little
about them. It's an impressive ability, and one that allows you to bond with women faster than
you could without a neat technique like the cold read.
So yeah, there's a reason why psychics use this -- because it works.
I'll talk to you again soon.
Yours,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Hey bro,
Very cool to hear I've been able to help a good deal. You normally want to avoid cold reading
until a girl is opened up to you at least somewhat and engaged with conversation with you. If
you try cold reading and she hasn't really opened yet or is pulling away, the effects are going to
opposite what was talked about in this post -- if you're right, she'll shrug it off as an
inconsequential lucky guess, and if you're wrong she'll be even more convinced that you don't
get her.
Instead of trying to cold read, use some of the techniques from "The Ultimate Guide on How to
Get a Girl Back;" that should help you do better with turning things around with a gal who's
pulling away.
Cheers,
Chase
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Back when I first got into learning to get better with girls, one of the things I recall really
struggling with was communicating to women I was interested in them.
As I watch most newer guys, they seem to consistently have as much difficulty with this concept
as I used to. Theres one of two ways it usually goes with guys who struggle with this:
Guy tells girl shes beautiful and he digs her, shows all his cards, and she thinks to
herself, Ive got this guy; its too easy, his value falls too low, and she loses interest
Guy plays it too cool for school, trying to protect all his cards, and she thinks to herself,
He isnt interested in me, his attainability falls too low, and she loses interest
Ouch. Neither of those are to a mans advantage in the dating game. Show all your cards and
lose a girl; do too good a job protecting those cards, and lose her that way too.
But it doesnt actually have to be one of those extremes (full disclosure) versus the other (full
non-disclosure). Instead, as always, Ill stress this credo: balance in all things.
The way we want to handle this aspect of your interaction with a woman is we want you
showing a little of your interest and doing it in a way that makes a girl feel like shes
legitimately got a shot. At the same time though, we want you holding on to some of your cards
we arent showing all of them. Just enough to whet her appetite and get her chasing.
~~~~~~~~~~
Why do guys do this? Typically, its because theyre gun-shy and uncertain about when to pull
the trigger and communicate their interest to a woman. Thats fair. But its heavily
counterproductive, for one simple reason: women wont make the first move. Or even the
second or third move, most of the time. Making moves is up to you, the man. Youre the man,
you must lead. But guys who are gun-shy dont make this (verbal) move, and women assume
they arent interested and move on.
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 24 January 2013
One of the series I introduced on here a while back - only to ever do two real articles in it was on girl types... some of the different kinds of girls, that is. We've had some requests to do
more articles like these, and I wanted to put together one here that's a primer of the four basic
varieties of women you'll run into - and which type is best for you.
What's the use of something like this? Won't you magically happen into a relationship with the
woman of your dreams, if you're out there long enough meeting large enough quantities of
women?
Personally, I'm more a believer in having a set of logical guidelines, and then running your
emotions on top of that, rather than just letting emotions run wild and hoping for the best.
Having rules for selecting the right girlfriends (see: "Find the Right Girl;" "Choosing the
Right Qualities in a Woman") tends to lead you to superior women as mates. Emotion is what
first draws you to them, but logic helps you screen them (and screen out the other women you're
emotionally drawn to who don't match your criteria).
Put more simply, especially when it comes to weird, ephemeral topics like dating and mate
selection that are taboo to discuss anywhere in polite society, knowing stuff gives you
advantages.
And the "stuff" I want to get you knowing today consists of the four basic varieties of women.
Of course, there are a variety of different girl types we can branch out into as we get more
complex in our definitions and look at more nuanced variations of the different varieties of
women; we've covered two of these types on here already:
For our purposes today though, we're going to be looking at a more elemental kind of woman the kind from which all other kinds spring out of.
These are our four most basic types of women.
I've boiled them down to just two traits, one learned, and one not:
1. Softness/Strength
2. Inexperienced/Experienced
On a matrix, that works out like this:
Softness/Strength
Softness/strength is what side of the spectrum a girl naturally fall upon with her base personality
type. Is she soft, quiet, and nice? Or strong, loud, and assertive?
This, of course, is not an "either-or" type of thing. No real absolutes in the real world. But,
roughly, line-drawing-wise, you can more or less cut the kinds of women down the middle and
throw them into two camps:
And that isn't to say that a woman can't be soft in disposition, but strong in constitution. Nor is to
say an assertive woman is incapable of tempering herself and assuming a more ladylike
demeanor.
For our purposes, we're defining softness and strength here as these:
Soft Women: these are the women who tend to be more passive, more yielding, who
are more accepting of being led by others (men or women), more open to being
commanded, more likely to be humble, quiet, and retreating, and less likely to cause
drama, cause a stir, or get offended at most things. If there's a problem in the relationship,
soft women are more likely to sit on it and trust or hope that you notice it and resolve it.
Strong Women: these are the women who tend to be more aggressive, more steadfast,
who are more likely to rebel against the leadership of others (men or women), more
likely to resist commands, more likely to be confident, loud, and assertive, and more
likely to cause drama, cause a stir, and get offended by things. If there's a problem in the
relationship, strong women are more likely to quickly bring it to the forefront and ask
you to address it.
Most cultures the world over encourage their women to be soft kinds of girls. In the more
feminist-leaning cultures (e.g., Scandinavia, the English-speaking world, etc.), this tends to be
reversed, and the encouragement is for women to be strong. I tend to believe this is more in-born
than anything else, although socialization and acculturation can lend an edge or take one off.
My personal preference is for strong women. I run slipshod over soft women, and they get hurt
too easily around me. I'm a pretty empathetic guy, but I also get caught up in whatever I'm
devoting my time to, and being considerate at all times is not a strong suit for me.
Among most of the men I talk to, the preference seems to be soft women. Even a lot of the
men I know who are very good with women still prefer soft women. I'll explore why this is a
little later in this article.
Inexperienced/Experienced
Again, like softness/strength, inexperienced/experienced is not black and white. A girl who's
very experienced to one man comes across like a nave amateur to another. A lot of that is
based on the man's experience; the more experienced a man is with women, the more
women will begin to seem relatively inexperienced to him, and the less experienced he is,
the more they will appear.
Here, our two camps are:
romance, dating, sex, and men. They believe more in love, have fewer walls up against
others and are more easily influenced and led, are more trusting, have less emotional
baggage from negative previous encounters, and are less certain of exactly what they
want and don't want.
Experienced Women: experienced women are more seasoned in the ways of
romance, dating, sex, and men. They believe less in love, have more walls up against
others and are more difficult to influence and lead, are more skeptical of others'
intentions, have more emotional baggage from negative previous encounters, and are
more certain of exactly what they want and don't want.
If you're like most men reading this post, you're already sitting there saying, "I want one of the
inexperienced girls!" and there's a pretty good chance what you're saying is, "I want the soft
inexperienced girl!"
Well, wait just a second there.
You might think you know what kinds of girls you want... but do you?
The research says "no." Have a look - from a paper entitled "Do advertised preferences predict
the behavior of speed daters?" by Robert Kurzban of the University of Pennsylvania's
Department of Psychology, and Jason Weeden of Arizona State University's Department of
Psychology:
Because researchers are making increasing use of data gleaned from Internet dating
That is to say, if you say you really like charismatic blondes, you'd be more likely to attend
Scandinavian Speed Dating Night than you would Japanese Speed Dating Night or West African
Speed Dating Night, but once you got there you might hit it off with a demure brunette a lot
more than you did any of the charismatic blondes present.
The choices people actually make often have little correlation with the preferences they claim
to have.
Therefore, most of the time when people tell me they know exactly what they want, I call
tomfoolery on their logical brain's part.
That's what your logical brain thinks. But when it comes to love at first sight, mating, pair
bonding, and sexual excitement, your logical brain doesn't have a whole lot of say. That's your
emotional brain's domain there - and let's look at how that picks mates.
This paper concerns the effects of sexual attitudes, lifetime sexual behavior, number
of coital partners, and the social context of this behavior on dating and marriage
desirability. Both male and female respondents were shown to prefer
moderately experienced partners, regardless of respondent's own
experience level. Unlike previous research no interactions between respondent's
behavior and rated person's behavior were found. No evidence for the existence of the
traditional double standard was found among these young, single university students;
men and women, equally, held a standard that allowed maximization of personal
sexual gratification but limited that available to potential partners.
In other words, according to this research conducted on university students in 1985, the
preference is for moderately experienced partners. That is to say, not virgins, and not sex
pros, either... regardless of where an individual's own experience levels lie (e.g., virgins want
moderately experienced partners, and sex experts want moderately experienced partners).
But remember... this is a survey, based on individual's logical preferences, not their
emotional/instinctive ones. And as that research just above showed us, what people say they
want, and what they actually want, are two very different things.
Another paper, this one from five years earlier in 1980 and named "Effects of Sexual Experience
on Dating Desirability and Marriage Desirability: An Experimental Study," had this to say:
So here we have a study that found that inexperienced men, inexperienced women, and
moderately experienced women found highly experienced partners less desirable than
inexperienced or moderately experienced partners, while moderately experienced men, highly
experienced men, and highly experienced women rated all partners as equally desirable.
Different survey. Different results.
Based on what research I've been able to locate, I think it's relatively safe to say that science
hasn't yet taken much of a look on what people actually are drawn to (as opposed to what
they think they're drawn to), at least in this arena.
So, I'm going to rely instead on my experience in the field: my personal experience, what I've
seen among countless friends, customers, and clients in this niche, and what I've seen among the
countless couples of all kinds I've met over a number of years of very active socializing and
meeting new people.
Here's how I think this actually breaks down, when logical rules are set aside and we look at
people's real preferences.
You can move in either direction parallel to your square and be happy
If you date in your square, you'll be unhappy
If you date diagonally opposite your square, you're headed for some big fights
How's this work? First, let's figure out how you rank on each of these.
Do you:
If you mostly said "yes," you fall more on the "strong" side of things. If you mostly said "no,"
you're on the "softer" side (but you don't have to tell anybody else; and heck, you're reading my
article, not me reading yours, so you know I'll never know!).
On experience, do you:
If you mostly said "yes, that's me," you're closer to "experienced" than the alternative. If you
went down the list going, "not really, no...," then you're closer to inexperienced.
Note: this one's a little tricky, because you will sometimes meet people acting or even thinking
they are something they're not here. e.g., the guy who's a virgin who acts cynical and bitter and
says, "Love is one big lie!" and thinks he knows it all about dating and sex and relationships
because he's well-read on the topic. The instant that guy ends up with a girl for real though, he
turns into a kitten, usually.
On the other hand, you have the really emotional guys who flit from lover to lover, and have
tons of experience with dating and sex but will tell you, "I don't think anyone can ever truly
understand a woman!" with a hint of romance and passion, believe wholeheartedly in true love
(although they never seem to find it, or it never lasts for long when they do), are the very
opposite of skeptical and cynical, and are largely suspicion-free.
If one of those sounds like you, put yourself into the inexperienced or experienced camp based
on your actual physical experience with women anyway, even though you might think you fit the
characteristics of a different quadrant. The kinds of women you'll respond to will still be the
same.
Have a look here at how our personality types interact:
Remember,
You can move in either direction parallel to your square and be happy
If you date in your square, you'll be unhappy
If you date diagonally opposite your square, you're headed for some big fights
The simplest way to think of this is in terms of leadership. Those work out as such:
1. Soft/inexperienced has the least leadership ability
2. Strong/experienced has the greatest leadership ability
3. Strong/inexperienced and soft/experienced are both somewhere in the middle
Hand-in-hand with leadership tendencies go dominance, assertiveness, self-confidence, and
more.
Good Pairings
To save myself from writing out needlessly long descriptions and to save you from reading
them, I'll abbreviate these as follows:
FT: Soft
TR: Strong
IN: Inexperienced
EX: Experienced
Here are the good pairings and how they work out.
1. FT/IN with TR/IN. Both partners in this dynamic are just beginning to acquaint
themselves with the world of dating and sex and relationships. The more tentative FT/IN
is happy to be paired up with the bolder TR/IN, who is doing the trailblazing and
exploring for the both of them, while the TR/IN appreciates having the support and
encouragement of the FT/IN there learning right along with him/her and up for whatever
the adventure at hand may be. The dynamic here is "partner-in-crime + exploratory
partner."
2. FT/IN with FT/EX. In this setup, the FT/IN takes the FT/EX as a sort of guide and
partner. Both partners here make each other feel more secure; the FT/EX is glad to have
found an FT/IN, whom experience tells him/her is likely to stay supportive and loyal so
long as he/she is treated well, and the FT/IN is happy to have found an FT/EX who is
gentle with his/her emotions despite the experience gap, and uses that advantage in
experience to anticipate the FT/IN's needs and make the kinds of romantic, thoughtful
gestures the FT/IN loves. The dynamic here is "loving partner + caring partner."
3. TR/EX with FT/EX. Here, the stronger partner natural leads the softer partner, but
because both are experienced the gap isn't too great. The FT/EX is experienced enough to
not let his/her emotions run wild when encountering the powerful TR/EX, and astute
enough to play coy and keep the TR/EX interested. The dynamic here is "powerful
partner + coy partner."
4. TR/EX with TR/IN. A different dynamic with two strong personalities, the TR/IN looks
upon the TR/EX as a teacher, mentor, and guide, in addition to a romantic partner. The
TR/EX tends to be what the TR/IN wishes to be, and the TR/EX enjoys having a partner
in crime who looks up to him/her with admiring eyes. The dynamic here is "mentor
partner + student partner."
If you want to be happiest in your relationships, make sure you figure out which of these four
quadrants you fall in, and date women who fall into one of the two adjacent quadrants.
Now let's have a look at the other possible pairings.
Bad Pairings
There are also some really bad pairings among these four quadrants, and you want to make sure
you don't get stuck in any of them.
5. FT/IN with TR/EX. The dominance gap is too wide here, and the TR/EX eats up and
spits out the FT/IN for breakfast without even meaning to. If you're the FT/IN in this
dynamic, be prepared to have your heart crushed and torn to pieces totally by accident. If
you're the TR/EX, be prepared for way more hurt feelings coming out of the FT/IN than
you know what to do with, and clinginess and neediness like you wouldn't believe.
6. TR/IN with FT/EX. Rather than hurt feelings, "irritation" is the name of the game here.
The FT/EX considers himself/herself more experienced and thus by default the more
natural leader of the two, and very much is irritated by the misguided fits and starts and
impulsive behavior of the TR/IN. Meanwhile, the TR/IN quickly ends up annoyed at the
FT/EX's conservative "parenting" style toward the relationship when the TR/IN really
just wants to run free and thinks the FT/EX should probably be more like him/her. Be
prepared for constant power struggles and lots of frustration coming out of either
quadrant.
7. FT/IN with FT/IN. This pairing of like and like leads to a whole lot of nothing, with
each partner tentative, hesitant, and unsure. It's an unlikely pairing to occur, because both
partners are normally too timid to initiate dating and relationships. However, if proximity
happens to put two FT/INs in close contact and the two do somehow end up dating, be
prepared for a relationship filled with fog, confusion, and inaction.
8. TR/IN with TR/IN. Two restless souls, a pair of TR/INs may have a brief and passionate
fling, but they'll soon find themselves tugging one another in opposite directions as each
rushes off to follow his or her own path of exploration and adventure. The longer these
two try to stay together, the more strained things tend to become, and they usually don't
last together long because of it.
9. FT/EX with FT/EX. This is another unusual mix, simply because FT/EXes tend not to
be very attracted to one another. If two do end up together, they can be content, but
there's a feeling of "something missing" in the relationship that neither partner can quite
put a finger on. What's missing is a clear leader, and one partner that's very dominant
over the other. For this relationship to survive, one of the partners must transition to TR
characteristics, or the two will eventually drift apart, with reasons like, "It just didn't
work out," or, "That magic something simply wasn't there."
10. TR/EX with TR/EX. What's more fearsome than a pair of T-rexes battling it out? A
coupling of TR/EXes is a powder keg waiting to explode, two very dominant individuals
used to controlling their spheres and everyone and everything in them, now suddenly
together without a clear leader. These relationships, when they happen, tend to be brief
and passionate flings, followed by equally ferocious partings. With neither partner
willing to subjugate his or her will to the other, they never last long.
If you end up in one of these relationships (or you've realized you're in one already), you don't
necessarily have to start looking for the exit door immediately, but you might want to plan for
what happens after the relationship has run its course.
An FT/IN, the enthusiasm and adventurousness of a TR/IN will enamor you, and the
careful attentiveness and romancing of an FT/EX will allure you, but stay away from the
TR/EX, who will make you wish you never started dating and turn you into a bitter
man, and avoid falling for another FT/IN, as you'll find it more disappointing than
anything else.
A TR/IN, having an FT/IN sidekick is going to be a blast, and learning from a TR/EX
mentor who's already been there and done that is going to be tremendously rewarding.
But stay away from dating another TR/IN, who's going to drive you insane with the same
kinds of demands on you you're accustomed to making of others, and an FT/EX, who's
neither going to take the lead with you nor serve as a willing follower, and will drive you
batty.
An FT/EX, you'll delight in having an FT/IN to nurture and take care of, and dating a
TR/EX can be exciting and rewarding. But you'll find dating another FT/EX to be rather
deflating an experience, and the rambunctious but rough-edged TR/IN is only going to
bother you.
A TR/EX, an FT/EX will intrigue you with her wiles and charms, and a TR/IN will thrill
you with her boundless energy and zest, but prepare for explosive times if you start
seeing another TR/EX, and get ready to be nagged and sweetnessed-to-death by the
clingy, innocent, and needy FT/IN if you end up dating her.
And that's it. All you really have to remember are two simple types: the two you get on best
with.
Then get out there, keep those two kinds of girls in mind, and get yourself looking for them in
the real world, in the flesh.
And, if you've read this far, drop me a brief line in the comments which type of girl you like the
best, and what it is about her you adore.
Yours,
Chase
Hi Jered,
Normally when you see a girl you've cut contact with, it's more useful to build tension. So, give
her a quick and warm, "Hi!," then keep moving / get re-immersed in whatever it is you're doing
(i.e., don't engage her in small talk).
When you get into a quick conversation, you defuse tension, and she's able to feel, "Ahhh, okay,
that's better; he knows I'm not interested in him but we're still cool and can still be friends."
When you don't do that, tension builds, and she begins to realize that she really is cut off from
your value if she isn't providing value to you that you value. She may become cold and angry if
she has zero romantic/sexual interest in you and auto-rejects knowing that she can't have you as
a platonic guy friend, but if she has some interest, this will be heightened as a result of the
tension as she realizes you're actually a strong guy who has no problem cutting ties with people
who aren't providing something he values back in return for him giving them the time and
attention they value.
Chase
Hey Zac,
Yeah, if you're FT/EX, those TR/IN girlfriends and friends can *really* get on your nerves! It's
absolutely the same for platonic friendships too, including those with other men... many of the
clashes between coworkers can be categorized as clashes between these personality types.
You can shift how you present yourself back and forth between soft and strong, but only
temporarily. For instance, if you're soft, you can adopt a more dominant, assertive personality
and move into TR/EX, but you'll slip back to FT/EX eventually if that's your normal, preferred
modus operandi (and there are no outside forces pushing you to remain TR/EX). Your
preferences seem to shift when you shift personality types, interestingly (you'd think your core
preferences would remain).
When I used to work an office job, I'd take on an FT/EX personality (it's a lot harder to act
inexperienced and eager when you're not than it is to just restrain your dominance, in my
experience), because I never was in a position to be the TR/EX at work and not step on my
bosses' toes. I'd frequently find myself clashing with TR/INs, who'd be trying to boss me around
despite their lack of skill or experience. When I'm running my own business and fully in charge
though, I like TR/INs, because the dynamic has changed, and now they're in a position of being
eager to learn from me and viewing me as a teacher, rather than an obstacle.
A lot of it is probably based then on how others' reactions to you change as you shift quadrants,
as much as it is your own preferences.
Adopting an alternate type to woo women of a quadrant you'd normally not get along with can
work, but it's frequently less satisfying, probably because it's a very fleeting transition. For
instance, if you shift artificially into TR/EX to sleep with a TR/IN you'll still have an urge to
smack the TR/IN upside the head, and if it's to get an FT/EX, you'll still feel rather bored with
her, regardless of how she feels about you masquerading in a TR/EX personality.
Chase
Hi Anon,
It's very hard to remain in control when you're inexperienced, no matter how well-read you are
or how solidly you think your boundaries are defined. Once you're actually out there playing,
suddenly it's all happening fast, and you're riding on instinct for a while until your brain catches
up enough that you're able to start tapping your knowledge banks of the things you've studied
and learned and you're able to run more on logic than pure emotions and you start examining
situations and recognizing where mistakes are happening and concocting a game plan you think
you should use and execute on.
If you're still young, I probably wouldn't worry too much about settling down, unless you meet a
really amazing girl right out of the gates and both of you rush into things. Even then... most of
the time, one of you will have enough reservations that (and it might still be difficult) you part
ways to grow in experience and learn what you really want first.
Chase
Hey AnonThat's a good question. For identifying early on, you can look for energy levels / enthusiasm /
how reserved someone is or not... TRs tend to be more open and enthusiastic, while FTs tend to
be more cautious and reserved. Experience-wise, INs are a bit more curious and "fresh," while
EXes are rather more focused and "been there, done that"-like.
Attracting any of these types basically consists of adopting a type that they're most naturally
attracted to. i.e., if you meet a girl who's TR/IN, if you act like an FT/EX she's going to run for
cover, and if you act like another TR/IN she's not even going to notice you. But if you're a soft
FT/IN, she may become excited and chase after you, or if you're a power-exuding TR/EX she
may thrust herself upon you as a willing pupil and aspirant.
Conversely, if you meet an FT/IN, being a powerful TR/EX is going to terrify her into hiding,
and she won't take note of you if you're another FT/IN. But if you're a TR/IN, she'll probably be
checking you out shyly and hoping you'll approach, and if you're an FT/EX she'll think you're
her soul mate the instant you look at her with your soft eyes.
LMR is both a product of her experience, and what role she wants you in in her life. e.g., if she's
FT/IN, she doesn't know what she wants, and is likely to resist you no matter what. TR/INs are
actually the least likely to resist, because they want to explore naturally and haven't learned to
appear more ladylike by resisting more yet. FT/EXes and TR/EXes have learned to use LMR to
increase their mate value, and will do so with you, unless they are certain they want to sleep with
you AND certain you're someone they have no chance at a future with, in which case the LMR
gets dropped.
Dominance and chase framing work especially well with the TRs, and relatively well with the
FT/EXes. You need to dial these down a good bit with FT/INs to not make them feel
overwhelmed and out of their element, however. An FT/EX enjoys these up to a point, but if it
becomes too much for whatever her level of experience is, she'll begin to close off. TR/EXes
have seen it all before, but they still enjoy it, since most men don't use these properly; TR/INs
haven't seen it before, so it's doubly exciting for them - again, so long as they aren't
overwhelmed (although their resistance to this is a bit higher than an FT/EX's).
Chase
Bothersome Friends
Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 27 January 2013
PhilWhen its the girls friends who are being disruptive, dont try to handle it yourself. Instead, ask
her to handle it, like so:
Anna, do you mind talking to Joey? Hes acting possessive and weird again.
Dont engage the guy, just keep asking the girl to deal with it. This does two things for you:
It shifts the work of dealing with HER friends odd behavior over to her, instead of you
having to deal with it, and
It also shifts most of the annoyance over to her too, because shes the one whos having
to deal with everything and figure it out
Ultimately, instead of his behavior annoying you the most, it begins annoying HER the most and
starts becoming a burden to her. Thats the only way she either tells him to knock it off for good,
or she starts winding down the amount of time she spends around him.
Hey StudentDepends on how youre inclined to think and feel about things, but for most guys you want to
have logistics generally planned out, but dont plan it out more than that. Just know Ill talk to
her for one hour here, then move her here and talk for another hour, then take her back home
here. Getting too detailed can mess with your head, so best normally just to have a logistical
skeleton to flesh a seduction out on.
Talking to a girl over the course of the week if youre in school, this might work. Again, Im
really not the one to ask about high school game while I was certainly good at getting attention
and making a name for myself, I was sitting at a table by myself during high school, rather than
macking on babes. Generally Id advise not to go into connecting with a girl at all until youre
ready to close things out with her and take her to bed but, maybe there are different rules in
high school; it simply isnt in my area of expertise (and its a little late for me to go back and get
that expertise, too ;). If thats working for your friend, Id suggest sitting down with him to pick
his brain a little more and figure out exactly how he sets things up and what kinds of results that
gets him.
On email, I stopped offering email coaching packages simply because I felt like the rate I was
going to have to charge to make it worth doing was plainly and simply going to be too high for
most people. Ricardus is still available via email coaching we have a 2-email / $100 package
up for him (thats here if interested). His students tend to get some pretty solid results worth
checking out if you want some hands-on guidance.
Aside from that, we have a Journals board on the forum that you can use for chronicling your
adventures, and if youre regularly meeting new women you can write up reports for that on the
Field Reports board and get feedback and critique from other members. Have a look at those
you may just find what youre looking for.
CuriosityWell, that depends on what you want. Me, I have a personal philosophy of never go back,
unless you want to get mired in the past, but then again, Im probably more hardcore about this
stuff than most people are. Id say if you have options with women and girls to replace her that
are as good / better than her, then leave her be and let her have her relationship.
My general feeling on taking girls back is, dont do it unless youre ready to give her whatever it
is she wanted but didnt get before. For a girl, the older she gets, the lower quality man she can
get, so if youve tried her out once and it failed, dont make her spend more time on you again
unless youre certain that youre now ready to give her whatever it was she wants that she didnt
get the first time around. There are plenty of other women you can meet, and you can let her be
free to go find a man wholl give her what she wants.
Otherwise, theres a good chance you end up wasting her time, lowering her market value
further, and depressing her efforts to find and land a good man.
Remember, if shes coming back to you, its with hope that things are going to be different this
time. Id recommend not taking her back unless you can make sure they are.
Youll learn a lot more by shedding the past and bringing a lot more new women into your life
than you will by revisiting the girlfriends of Christmases past, in any event ;)
Chase
FT/EX Men
Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 27 January 2013
throw them at things and trust them to do a good job. They're a lot less likely to peel off and go
do their own things and you have to train someone else later too, because they like security, and
if they can find somewhere that they feel secure and satisfied and they're getting their needs met,
they're generally content.
In terms of whom you date, a TR/EX girl will make you feel alive, while an FT/IN girl makes
you feel warm and fuzzy. Which one you prefer probably depends on where you're at with your
life... e.g., if everything's going great and you're in need of some adventure, you'll probably lean
TR/EX. If things are bumpier and you'd like some tranquility and peace, you'll prefer FT/IN.
But, when things change, so will your preferences... though, I guess that's life, huh?
Chase
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Almost one year ago, a commenter named Jo asked a question in "What Does She Want? The 8
Things You Must Ask Her" about stomach butterflies.
I've heard many women say they get 'butterflies' around certain men, and that they
feel 'nervous' around these guys. Somehow the thought of these guys makes these
women's hearts 'flutter' and this seems to be something that (at least some) women
want. I don't know if you've ever touched on this or not, but it'd be great to see an
article that goes in to the social dynamics and psychology of the 'butterflies'
phenomenon.
I haven't thought about this topic very deeply but off the top of my head and without
any research I think the occurrence of 'butterflies' is a manifestation of one's
anticipation of more good things to come. You don't know exactly what it will be but
all you know (subconsciously) is...you want more! It occurs when you really like
someone, and because they're unpredictable, you don't know exactly what's coming
next. But you do know that usually whatever this person says or does is something
that you find delightful and because of that you anticipate more good feelings...
So in the moments between good feelings you subconsciously anticipate experiencing
more of them but you don't know exactly how they will manifest themselves, due to the
unpredictability of the individual providing the good feelings. This seems to be
something that drives some women crazy and they love it when it happens... It's all
subconscious of course so they may not be able to tell you exactly WHY they like it so
much.
So my question to you is, have you ever encountered this phenomenon of women
getting butterflies around you? If so, how do you provide this feeling at will (i.e. what
sorts of things a man can do to get women feeling butterflies and anticipation... and
how can a man sense that what he's doing in this regard actually working?) It's one
thing to try and pick up a girl, it's another thing to make them want to come back for
more and more...and be out-of-control when around you...
Look forward to hearing from you...
Thanks.
The "butterflies in her stomach" (or yours) phenomenon is a pretty common one to love,
romance, seduction, and sex. It's a turn of phrase that's used to indicate the feeling of clenched
anticipation for something desired one feels deep in one's gut; when she feels it, she's feeling
nervous in all the right ways.
Giving girls exactly this feeling is one of the things I recommend you aim to do as much as you
possibly can - that is, to give as many butterflies as you can, to as many of the women you meet
as you can.
Of course, before you can do that, you've got to know what these butterflies are - and how they
come about invading cute girls' stomachs in the first place.
We don't usually spend a whole lot of time defining "stomach butterflies", because it's something
we've all more or less experienced before, and know what it feels like.
But, just in case you're unfamiliar with the term, or we have slightly different definitions, here's
how we're defining it in this article - as:
Those are the best approximations of the sensation of the experience, outside of saying, "Like
butterflies flapping around in your stomach, their wings brushing up against the walls of its
interior."
And, you normally feel this sensation when:
Obviously, if you've been in control your entire life, you may never have felt this before... but
I'm betting that even the most staid, stolid of our readers has experienced butterflies in his
stomach at least once or twice before, perhaps a long time ago... maybe with the first girl he ever
fell in love with.
Butterflies in the stomach result from high levels of expectancy, and are just as likely to
occur when a drug addict anticipates a hit as when a romantic hopeful anticipates
something exciting with her prospective paramour ("Classical conditioning and cognitive
You are not the actor... you are the acted upon - or, at least, the one waiting for the actor to come
and take the lead.
That's the key. And if you examine the people feeling stomach butterflies, that's the one common
thread.
When I was shy, I'd feel butterflies in my stomach when:
When girls give off the signs of stomach butterflies, it's invariably when:
You've just met them, and they are thinking you're perfect for them
You're on a date, and things are clicking exceptionally well, electricity in the air
You have them back at your place, sexual tension is palpable, and you have not yet
made your next move... but they sense you are going to, and want you to
Obviously, all these things affect you less and less as you become more experienced with them...
and feel more in control.
Because "control" and "desire" are the two key elements of stomach butterflies - the less of the
former and the more of the latter you have, the more readily those little wings will start tickling
the sides of your internals.
And inspiring great desire along with causing loss of control is exactly the experience you
must give to women if you want their stomachs doing backflips for you.
One of my favorite seductions was of a girlfriend I took up with after settling in China for a time
in late 2010. I'd just finished touring about Asia, and was deciding whether I wanted to stay in
China a bit, or pick up and head north toward Russia or west toward Europe.
A friend dragged me out to a party in the VIP section of one of his favorite nightclubs one night
(I was dead tired, and really just wanted to stay home), where I was mostly bored and didn't do
much more than order a few drinks and some French fries to chew on, while chatting with the
mostly not-super-attractive girls hanging out around the VIP table we were at. After an hour or
so, and me barely being able to keep my eyes open, I told my pal I needed to leave and go get
some sleep, and he went with me.
In the elevator on the way down, I met a tall, thin, but quite busty and very beautiful girl, dressed
down in a bright orange t-shirt (everyone else at that club was in suits and dresses). I quickly
found myself in a conversation with her, and the "spark" was there right away - I really liked her,
and she really liked me... love at first sight. I found out she was an architect by day and getting
her master's of finance by night. She was perfect.
Our first proper date was supposed to be at a caf near my apartment, but I didn't know the city
and gave shoddy directions, and she ended up at the wrong place and got flustered. I went to
meet her; then took her on another date a few days later, to a restaurant (I didn't want to invite
her to the same place two dates in a row, especially if she didn't make it the first time); and then
on the third date I had her come to my place, this time with much better directions, where I
manhandle kissed her, and took her to bed.
This girl was a strong girl, but also very shy, quiet, and soft... something of a nervous, emotional
creature, despite her professional background and high self-esteem. Because she was a romantic,
she put a lot of anticipation on our potential from Day 1, and was in a near-constant state of
butterflies in her stomach around me.
By the time I had her back at my apartment, she was so nervous with anticipation that her mouth
was trembling as she talked to me, and this continued nearly every time I saw her after this, until
I put her at ease each time (with mountains of physical intimacy, needless to say).
Things ended between us after only a few months, and we had a rather tragic parting... yet, when
circumstances brought us back into one another's lives half a year later for a little while longer,
that nervous was there as much as ever - and so were the butterflies.
Creating Desire
Well, the desire part is all attraction and investment. That is, in other words:
Your fashion
Your hairstyle
Your facial hair
Your voice
Your walk
Your facial expressions
Your body language
Your posture
o
o
o
o
o
o
All those are things we've covered on this site numerous times before (and if any of them are
new to you, the article links above will point you in the right directions). While there are many
facets to desire, you can think of each of the above items as adding a little bit more, then a little
bit more, then a little bit more to your attraction score.
Investment is a key part of desire. Without investment, you can have attraction, but not desire.
That is, if she thinks you look good, but she hasn't done anything with you or for you, she's not
typically going to have a great deal of desire for you.
Only after someone has begun to invest in you does she start to come to desire you actively.
You being in control and her being out of it can be further boiled down to:
Your ability to lead. If you can't lead, you can't be in control, and unless she's
extremely inexperienced, young, and kind of clueless with men, you not being in control
means she'll naturally tend to take the wheel and start steering. You must be decisive and
be able to lead women.
Your frame control. Women will test you to find out how sure of yourself you really
are, and how experienced with women you really are. Inexperienced men get flustered
and betray their inexperience (and, thus, negative preselection - lack of desirability to
other women, that is), while experienced men remain nonplussed and show their
experience, in the face of women's tests. Your frame control shows off the level of your
social dominance - a very attractive trait.
Your unpredictability. Being unpredictable is something of a prerequisite for
giving women butterflies in their stomachs. If she can't guess what you'll do next, the
only thing she can do is hope and expect... and being in a state of expectation and
anticipation (rather than one of boring certainty and crystal clarity) is what stomach
butterflies are all about.
Your mystery. Why do women love Byronic men? Because they're just so damn
intriguing... so hard to get a bead on. Yet, they're not so inscrutable that they're
impossible to be understood; their masks can be peeled back... so they are a puzzle
for women to solve, but not an unsolvable one. Rather, they are one that can be puzzled
out. The more intriguing and hard to figure out, the more likely she is to experience
butterflies with you; some of the things that make this even easier are having certain
identities that are more inclined to have a mysterious air about themselves (like rebel, or
artist), or being a foreigner, where she does not know what to expect with you and finds
you new and exciting.
Your speed of progression. One of the reasons that moving fast is so good is that it's
off-balancing to women in a very exciting kind of way. When you move rapidly through a
seduction, and are smooth about it, you create a feeling of constant expectation and
fulfillment, expectation and fulfillment, which only leads to her emotions to being
cresting higher and higher. You can use this in one-night stands; you can use it with
first-date sex scenarios; and you can use it when you're employing date compression to
go through the usual series of dates, but in a much shorter amount of time. The faster a
clip things are moving at while still feeling smooth and more or less natural and
comfortable, the more butterflies she's going to have fluttering around in there.
Important note: her experience plays a big role here; if she's a conservative girl who's
only had a handful of lovers, all of whom courted her traditionally and all of whom took
months to do it, taking her on three dates in whirlwind fashion is going to be pretty fast
and exciting for her. But if she's a more liberated woman who's been with a number of
men quickly, had her share of flings, etc., she's not usually going to get stomach
butterflies if things drag out for a few dates, unless she's considering you for a "husband"
role and you seem like her dream guy for that position (and unlike the kind of men she
usually meets / dates / sleeps with).
You want her feeling out of control, but also satisfied that you are moving fast enough to take
care of her needs and that you will deliver on your promises.
However... you must also be teasing her to a certain extent; promising something, but not
delivering on it right away. If you're consistently doing everything like clockwork, the
unpredictability seeps out, and anticipation doesn't build up nearly enough.
You must move quickly, and you must deliver the goods, but don't be afraid of doing so
sporadically or in bursts at random intervals - she'll experience a LOT more excitement and
nervousness if you do things this way.
Butterflies
For me, butterflies really started clicking in Southern California in late 2009 / early 2010, just as
I got my ability to create sexual tension handled, and my confidence in my ability to pull
consistently and get girls in bed went from "pretty confident" to "yeah, I got this."
What made it click for me then, I think, was that I'd become very aggressive at getting loads of
early compliance from women and getting them invested fast, all while dialing up the sexual
heat quite high and teasing them with it so that they were experiencing loss of control mixed
with percolating desire.
If you can make women want you, and you can make women wonder about you, you can
give them butterflies in their stomachs. You can make them nervous... you can make them
tremble with excitement and anticipation at "getting" you... or at you taking them.
There's little in life more wonderful than having a truly beautiful, impressive woman trembling
with anticipation around you, waiting for you to move things forward... it's an immensely
satisfying feeling.
And, it makes the consummation of that attraction all the sweeter, because the tension she builds
up in her body and mind while waiting for things to culminate all ends up released in a single
moment of explosive relief - this is an experience not to be missed.
You can think of stomach butterflies in the girls you meet almost as a side effect of getting your
fundamentals down cold and learning game to a high degree - but, there remains plenty you can
do to speed up the process.
Create desire within her; then, create uncertainty, and loss of control. She will plunge herself
into anticipation and expectation for you... waiting for you to make happen what she wants and
needs for you to make happen.
And when you finally take her, you both will be very glad.
Chase Amante
For some reason this seems to be my specialty. I guess it's because i'm one of the pickiest guys
you'll ever meet (by the way, any way to be less picky so I can meet more women?) so I'm
genuine in my interest when I meet a girl I like every once in a blue moon. I never thought the
formula would be this complicated but I just gaze at the girl like it's love at first sight and there's
this still pause between us that only we share like we're in our own little world.
Is it better to go in with this type of emotion though, compared to a friendly just being social or a
sexual I reek of sexual tension type vibe? What I'm trying to figure out is, is there a prioritized
list of emotions that girls want and must haves? Say, for example:
1. sexual tension
2. dominant
3. warm
4. fun
5. mysterious
etc.
A romantic is able to give a girl butterflies due to his sensuality, whereas a stereotypical
beefcake would not be able to provide something like this, and instead provides physical
toughness and dominance. You could perhaps dumb this down to passion vs. comfort. Each of
these guys also express themes like humor and body language differently. Does it come down to
what the girl prefers, or what would happen when a beefcake can't provide the slow, composed
sexual tension and other fundamentals that seem to belong more to the classy rich guy? Does
each girl respond to certain traits and subconsciously prioritize each one?
AnonMy general feeling is that most people are kind of just "there" in their relationships.
I will meet a lot of women who are in even apparently "good" relationships, and if I can get into
a conversation with them, I will watch them become enchanted, then excited, then aroused, just
being around me and interacting with me. And that's nothing special about me... plenty of my
friends have the same things happen to them again and again.
My suspicion is that even most women who are content enough in their relationships are only
there because they don't have access to something even better, which (if you know how to come
across that way) you can present yourself as being... and usually often are.
Of course, whether they choose to pursue you, or shrink back in fear and embarrassment at their
interest in someone else when they are supposed to be in a committed relationship, is dependent
on who they are, how sexually liberated they are, and just what the condition of the relationship
they're in is anyway in the first place.
Chase
JOn pickiness, see this one: "Lower Your Standards (and Date Hotter Girls)."
I wouldn't say any specific emotions are prioritized over one another, so much as there are just
certain emotions where the more you have of them thrown into the mix, the more attractive
you're going to be as an option. If you're feeling love at first sight, I'd take that in with you and
mix it up with sexual tension - what you get is a powder keg of mutual excitement and both
parties pushing the interaction forward at full throttle.
JasperRules are made to be broken... With fast pulls (e.g., sub-15 minutes or so), you'll usually do very
minimal deep diving - just enough to get her qualifying herself to you and filling you in on a few
details about her so you're not complete strangers. A 30-minute pull will often have plenty of
deep diving still; if you're going under 10 minutes, there may not be any.
Deep diving's there to help you build attraction and navigate through getting investment and
opening up the escalation windows in women who aren't sold on you the moment you say
"hello"; but for the girls who are, you can sometimes skip this step, and even go from "hello" and
a few light words of initial banter straight to pulling and sex... of course, that usually requires
pretty strong fundamentals, but even if you don't have yours completely on lock, you'll still
sometimes run into these scenarios regardless. In these cases, it's not necessary to do every step;
it's just necessary to recognize the signs that the windows are open, and then jump through them.
Chase
SamIt all comes down to what terms you walked away on, and what the communication was before
you walked away.
e.g., if she flakes on a date, and then you just never call or text again, she'll either think, "Wow,
he must've taken that really hard!" or, "Well, guess that flake was the right move - he clearly isn't
very interested."
Alternately, if you have a situation where you sit down with a girl you've been on 4 dates with
and she's still no more comfortable with you or willing to go home with you, but she's begun
bonding with you as a friend, and you say, "Hey, you know what, you're a REALLY cool
person, and I'm glad we've been hanging out. But in all honesty, I'm looking for a cool gal I can
get something substantial going on with right now, and friends doesn't cut it for me. And I think
that's all you want, which is totally cool... but, as for me, I've got to go hit the dating pool. And
as for you - well, I'm not really sure exactly what you're looking for, but whatever it is, it's out
there, and I know you're going to find it - you're a sharp girl," THEN you leave... there's a very
good chance she comes knocking down your door a not-long time after with renewed interest at
giving things another shot.
Or, at the very least, you will have her respect and admiration for not hanging around and
hoping... like most of the guys she allows to court her do.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Last weekend I spoke at a gathering of the San Diego pickup community. One of the things I
skirted over briefly, due to time constraints, but that guys asked me to spend a little more time on
and seemed very interested in hearing about, was on disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend.
Why would any guy trying to get girls want to make girls not want to date him? Well, in answer
to that, the long and short of it is this: women and men have different things to consider when it
comes to having sex with someone new. And for women, the question of whether or not she
wants a man as a boyfriend can muddy up the picture and make the decision to sleep with a guy
quickly not so clear-cut.
Deciding whether or not to have sex with some girl we like is easy for us guys. Go out, get laid
with the girl you hit it off with as soon as possible, and, if you like her, start dating her. For girls,
it isn't so straightforward. If a gal likes a guy, she typically wants to make sure she DOESN'T
jump into the sack too fast with him. Because us men being what we are, we naturally tend to
value women who sleep with us quickly lower than women it takes us longer to bed. Even
among guys who think of themselves as more enlightened... look back at your past girlfriends.
How many began as women you slept with the same night you met them? OK. Now how many
of them were the girls that it took you forever to bed, but whom you really got to like and value
in the meantime before you finally, after all that work, managed to wrestle into sleeping with
you? Hmm. Yeah. If youre like 99% of men out there, youll start picking up on a very
noticeable trend. And women pick up on this trend that men have, too. They know men dont
usually date the girls they hook up with quickly.
That proclivity of mens is why, in some cases, you'll find that women in committed
relationships are easier to sleep with than women who are single. Because women who already
have a man (whether they tell you about him or not) are usually not looking for a new
relationship. They're just looking for sex. So they dont worry as much about whether sleeping
with a man too quickly will blow their chances at a relationship; theyre not looking for one in
the first place.
But women who are single are usually looking not only for sex, but for a relationship, too. Heres
the kicker though: they are not necessarily looking for those things from the same guy.
I said something while speaking about this at that talk I gave that seemed to rattle some guys,
excite others, and cause still more to lash out in disbelief. What I said was this:
"Believe it or not, a woman does not have to like you to sleep with you. In fact, she's probably
more likely to have sex with you the day you meet her if she doesn't like you a whole lot."
Now hold up a minute, one guy said. If a girl doesn't like you, she's NOT going to sleep with
you. Period. End of story. No happy ending.
Well, Im here to tell you that isnt so. This isnt something you see a lot when youre a beginner
in the social arts; its not something youre even all that aware of as a guy whos intermediate
with women. But as you reach the top tiers of advancement, youll start realizing that women
have sex all the time with men they just dont like all that much. That guy theyre hooking up
with they value dont enough to want to date. In many cases, they dont even like him enough
that theyd respond to a call or a text from him the next day, regardless of whether they slept
with him or not.
But, they will still sleep with him.
If that starts feeling a little counterintuitive, think about it like this. Sex with a girl youre in love
with feels great. Its probably the best sex you can have. Sex with a girl you kinda like is good
too, though not quite as amazing, right?
Now how about sex with a girl you dont even like all that much. Say, a girl whos cute but
completely lacking in the personality department. Or a girl whos not even all that cute, but shes
there, shes available, and youre horny.
Youd never sleep with a girl in those conditions, right? Only a girl you like, right?
Well, if youre like almost every other guy on the planet, thats wrong. You would. Probably
wouldnt answer her call the next day, but the night you met her, if conditions were right, youd
hook up with her. Now heres the shocking thing for most guys: despite their generally having
longer hair and bigger chests, women are in fact exactly the same when it comes to sex. They
hook up with guys all the time they dont like all that much.
In fact, there are a very wide variety of reasons a woman will seek sex with a man, and many of
them have little to do with HIM and how much she likes him, and more to do with HER and
he, the guy, just happens to be available to fill a need for her.
Here are some of those reasons a woman might sleep with a guy, despite not liking him all that
much:
Shes horny, she wants to get laid, and hes the best option available
Shes been on a dry spell, and she decides hes good enough to shag
All of her girlfriends are hooking up that night, and she doesnt want to be left out and
the guy in question just happens to be hanging around and available
Hes an unknown in her social circle (hes there on vacation, or she is, or they run in
completely different circles), no one she knows will ever find out, and hes basically a
freebie
She wants revenge on a current or former lover, and this new guy looks to be the means
to that end
Shes feeling down in the dumps and in need of the boost in self-esteem that comes from
getting laid
Shes always wanted to try a guy like him (white / black / Asian / Hispanic / muscular /
wealthy / punk / rocker / badboy / international from XYZ country)
She just feels like it.
There are probably a bunch more, too. But just as any girl whos tolerable will likely do when
you are just feeling down and want to get laid, so too will just any GUY whos tolerable likely
do when a girl is feeling down and just wants to get laid.
Most men have this myth that women, especially top women, are incredibly picky. As a guy with
a lot of dynamic, intelligent, beautiful, successful women in his life, its my distinct experience
that this is utter malarkey. Heres what Ive seen: top tier women, dating or hooking up with men
who were not cool, not attractive, and not successful. Its not that these guys were badboys and
had some kind of mysterious sex appeal, either. They just happened to be in the right place at the
right time, and the girl in question wasnt feeling all that picky.
But those girls still tell me theyre picky. They say things to me like, Its hard for me to find
someone I like, because Im very picky when it comes to men, or, Im fine without a man in
my life. Id rather be single, actually. But when I look at their choices in men, theyre getting
together with these guys that dont meet the standards they continually profess to have (or,
realistically, the quality of guy Id assume they could get). And bizarrely, they often end up in
friends-with-benefits relationships with men they dont really care for or respect all that much.
They dont even really like these guys. The guys press for relationships, and the girls decline,
because theyre not all that into them. But these guys are still good enough for sex even though
theyre not good enough to date.
Women DONT have to like you to sleep with you.
Period. End of story.
So, onto the whole disqualifying-yourself-as-a-boyfriend thing. The thing that disqualifying
yourself as a boyfriend does is, it makes it much easier for a woman to decide that youre the guy
to fill that short-term need, and it helps her cast aside any reservations about sleeping with you
too quickly and how that might affect her long-term prospects with you. Youve negated yourself
as a long-term prospect. She doesnt have to worry about that anymore.
Before I list some ways to do that, one final note: most guys dont do this. How come? Its
because they believe that women only want relationships, and that if they rule themselves out of
the long-term potential category, theyll lose the girl theyre speaking with. So they play it
safe, and try to make themselves seem to be the best boyfriend material they can muster
thereby shooting in the foot any shot they had at sleeping with their new female acquaintance the
same night. If shes thinking of you as a potential boyfriend, and she thinks she legitimately has
a shot, shes NOT going to sleep with you the same night. Guaranteed.
Will you lose a few girls by disqualifying yourself as a boyfriend? Sure. But theyre girls you
wouldnt have hooked up with that night anyway, and unless your follow-up game is incredibly
solid, probably wouldnt have hooked up with at all.
And heres the funny thing: even the girls who dont hook up with you that night will like you
more. Theyll find you mysterious, intriguing, and sexy. That guy who seems like hed make a
great boyfriend? Yeah, hes nice. But now, the guy she cant get into a relationship, at least not
all that easily THAT guy makes her think.
Women (especially top-tier women who are used to getting their way) find challenges
irresistible. As a guy whos off-limits from a dating perspective, you position yourself as a
challenge.
So how can you disqualify yourself as a potential boyfriend? Here are some common ways you
might disqualify yourself as a boyfriend to a woman youve met:
Use one of these (preferably, one thats truthful and matches up well with your situation
obviously, if you say youre on travel and youre actually not, and the two of you run into each
other later on, there could be issues!) and you will find that, contrary to what most men might
think, youll see an increase in attraction from women, and youll see that sex happens faster.
Note that there can be a bit of a learning curve: delivery is essential, especially when all this
seems new and unfamiliar and nerve-wracking. If a woman can sense that a man is nervous /
needy when he disqualifies himself (e.g., he tells her he already has a girlfriend, then tenses up
and gets quiet, as if waiting for her rejection), attraction will plummet. This has to be a natural,
emotion-free declaration that you are not really on the market from a relationship standpoint.
Guys who are off the market and nervous women will reject them are unattractive. But guys who
are off the market and confident that women will want them are even more attractive than guys
who are on the market and equally confident. They actually had an interesting little study
recently that showed that women in committed relationships ranked photographs of men they
were told were single as more attractive, while single women ranked photographs of men they
were told were in committed relationships as more attractive. Get that? Single women are more
attracted to men who are tied up. How come? Well, long story short, a guy whos got a girl
already is basically communicating that he is wanted by other women. That guy whos single is
an unknown variable why is he single? Is it because hes just out of a relationship or is it
because theres something wrong with him and women dont want him?
Its good to be off-the-market. It says a lot of attractive things about you. It also takes some
pressure off the girl, because it implies youre not looking (and hence, judging). She is more
free to be herself around you.
Once youre using disqualifications like these and youre comfortable with them, its mildly
remarkable how things change with women. The planning / calculating / scheming side of
women goes away as they lose their primary calculation objective (net this guy into a
relationship) and become free to enjoy or not enjoy you based on their whims and how the
mood strikes them (and how you make them feel).
Try it out its fun.
by Chase Amante
Friday, 10 June 2011
~ Arab proverb
Jealousy's a fascinating emotion. I've studied it rather closely over the course of my life -- it's a
mighty changer of emotions and even life paths.
The ability to elicit strong emotions is the nuclear power of seduction: capable of lighting up a
city (when used judiciously) or of razing one (when used clumsily or vengefully).
If I had to define jealousy in under 10 words, I'd define it thus:
Jealousy is wanting control where one has it not.
As such, certain kinds of individuals are more susceptible to it than others. Namely, those who
like control and/or are accustomed to being in control.
You can quickly see how jealousy could be big for beautiful, high status women.
The way jealousy works is basically like this:
When someone you think ought to want you very much seems preoccupied with someone
else, you begin to want to regain that person's attentions
When someone you like seems preoccupied with someone else, you begin to fear losing
them, and pursue them harder
If you're familiar with the basic tenets of investment, it works thus: the more time, emotion,
and energy you spend on something, the more invested in it you become, and the more and
more highly you come to value it.
When you become jealous over a girl -- or she becomes jealous over you -- the desire to have
that which you're jealous about very quickly escalates how much you value that person.
For that reason, we might say jealousy can supercharge attraction.
But there's a catch -- make someone too jealous, and she won't be able to handle not having what
she wants (you), and instead will strike off to hurt you back and show you what you're missing
out on by not being with her.
Enter something I call the "Jealousy Scale":
Obviously, the X, or horizontal, axis is the degree of jealousy; lesser to the left, greater to the
right.
The vertical Y axis, though, is a little more curious: we might call it attraction, though the kinds
of attraction at the opposite ends of the scale are of completely different natures: one is
disinterest, while the other is disdain.
This is because of how amounts of jealousy affect people's emotions.
You might notice this isn't a standard bell curve distribution. It's a soft, gradual arc up to
attraction; but a pretty precipitous drop off into the abyss of stone-hearted resentment if you go
past the peak. I'll offer the disclaimer that this is based purely on my own experiences and
countless anecdotes I've come across and had shared with me, but jealousy seems to work very
much like this:
1. On the far left of the curve, a woman has no feelings about a man and he is unvalued.
2. A little more to the right, she begins to feel some stirrings of possessiveness, and is rather
invested and interested in him.
3. At the peak of the curve, she's very possessive and jealous about him, and feels a strong
degree of attraction and is given to pursuit.
4. Past that peak though, as jealousy builds to an even greater extent, she becomes resentful
and disdainful of this man, and wishes to hurt him and exact revenge -- or at the very
least be rid of his presence.
So actually, the two ends of the curve are qualitatively different.
The opposite of love is not hate. It's disinterest. Therefore, emotions trend increasingly strong to
the right the greater the emotion gets -- but those emotions cross a threshold from being very
good for the seducer to being very bad.
You can use jealousy to move women out of disinterest and into interest, and even ramp things
up to the point where girls are chasing you. But you must be aware that making a girl jealous
is playing with fire -- and overdoing it means there's a very good chance you might end up
getting burned.
I've seen scads of guys doing this again and again. A friend of mine was doing it quite a lot,
recently; he's a pretty cool and sexy guy, and he was already getting pretty solid attraction from
girls, but he just felt like he always needed more, so he'd spin off from girls to go meet new girls
to show the ones whom he'd been talking to previously how strong and successful and non-needy
and desirable he was.
And it just kept on backfiring on him. The girls who were crazy about him earlier would end
up making out with other guys in front of him, even going home with other guys, sometimes
while staring at him explicitly as if to say, "This is what you're missing out on."
He did such a good job creating jealousy in these girls that he pushed them past that ledge, and
they descended rapidly into auto-rejection. Filled with resentment, they did whatever they could
to show him the error of his ways.
"I don't get it," he remarked, "these girls seem to really like me, and then they just act so cold and
heartless later on!"
I pointed out to him that their actions were actually reactions to his actions, and he started scaling
back the jealousy he'd previously been inspiring so much of. The change he saw was more or
less immediate -- as soon as he took it a little easier on the jealousy plotlines.
Her seeing me with those other girls shook her out of her apathy for me, and made her
start seeing me as somebody desirable to be with. At the beginning of the night, I'd been at the
far left of the scale -- not valued.
But on the weight primarily of a handful of jealousy plotlines throughout the night (with a little
deep diving on the side), I moved up to somewhere between somewhat interested and intensely
interested, and we ended up becoming lovers. I doubt I would've ended up with that particular
girl without the attention from the other girls I received before her.
So, as it turns out, while making a girl jealous can be dangerous, it can also be highly beneficial
toward your seductions. Because of that, this is something to play around with as a beginner,
and something to really look to implement at least somewhat seriously once you're at an
intermediate level.
Ladies, if you don't want us talking about this, all I can say here is... you started it.
;)
Women are the masters of jealousy plotlines. Most of what I know about how to make someone
else jealous I learned from watching club queens who were experts at working the nightclub
scene. Girls are good at this; it's one of their premiere social control tools.
As they say though, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and what works here for
women works for men as well.
What's great is, we can sift it all down to a few essential steps to get you off and running and get
girls going a little crazier for you and chasing you a little harder. So, without any further ado,
here's how to make a girl jealous:
1. Talk to her a little first to wet her appetite. It's very difficult to make a girl jealous
who's never met you before. She has to at least know who you are and like you a little bit
(usually) before a jealousy plotline begins to kick in. Banter with her a bit, build some
rapport, and generally just be your usual attractive self for at least a few minutes.
2. Make subtle, casual conversation with a girl near her. The keys here are threefold:
subtle, casual, and near her. These keys are essential to minding the Law of Least Effort
and ensuring that your social maneuverings appear effortless and natural. I made the
mistakes early on of awkwardly shifting gears to talk to new women, or striking out to
search the entire venue for another girl to meet, often out of eye- and ear-shot, which
didn't do very much for inspiring jealousy.
3. Again, mind the subtlety. This one is important enough that I'm listing it out here again.
What just about every guy does wrong here is make his flirting with a girl overt. But if
she liked you when you talked earlier, flirting overtly is almost always going to be too
much. You'll trigger too much jealousy in her, and push her into auto-rejection. Women
aren't superheroes; they feel jealousy and uncertainty and worry just like everyone else.
Letting her see you talking to another girl is more than enough most of the time; she
doesn't need to see the two of you becoming bosom buddies too.
4. Make it short. This is another common mistake, and one I was as guilty of as anyone
else: turning a jealousy plotline into a full-blown seduction. You're trying to move
things forward with Girl A, not Girl B. Don't lose sight of which girl you're there for. Get
in, make some casual conversation with Girl B, and then, after four or five minutes, end it
and get back to the girl you're there for. Too much longer and you risk losing her.
One of the credos I live by when it comes to meeting and succeeding with women is "keep your
eye on the ball," and that's just as important when it comes to making girls jealous as it is with
anything else. Run your jealousy plotline, but don't forget the main reason you're there -- to
move things forward with the girl you like. And you can't do that while you're talking with
someone else.
So, don't be afraid to use jealousy as a tool with girls who are only lukewarm in their interest to
you, but be very careful about overdoing it with girls who already like you.
In fact, that's your top indicator for when to use jealousy and when not to:
Use jealousy with girls who are lukewarm or not all that interested in you or invested
Don't use it with girls who already like you a lot. Instead, focus on moving things
forward with those girls with speed and decisiveness
Stick to that plan, and you'll be a heart-stealing, jealousy-inspiring lady killer in no time. Just
remember that it's staying on the tightrope that makes all the difference.
Always,
Chase Amante
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Back on the article about gym pickup, The Tool (one of our forum members as well)
commented in asking about ways he could meet girls in the gym as a member of the staff,
without overstepping professional boundaries:
It was 8 am and this girl wanted to Tan and she had another hour before she could
tan (24 hour law) so she begged and i told her to wait another hour, she stayed in the
locker room and came out an hour later, she asked If she could tan yet, I told her 5
more minutes and asked her "so what brings you to the gym this early on a saturday?
working out before work or to flirt with the guy at the front desk? She said Haha I am
not. I said "you totally are and now your lieing about it...jeeze." she said haha I guess I
am. anyway jist of it I deepdived a bit and got her digits saying your a cool girl we
should get some coffee sometime. she said sure and baddabing.
Anyway as a staff member things like this are risky for I can lose my job if it was ever
found out or I made it awkward for a girl. So would you advise that those guys who
are in fact the staff not try to pick up girls at their own gym?
My advice to The Tool was to use barriers to get these girls chasing him; it was, in effect, this:
be a challenge to women.
In the article excerpt from my eBook entitled "How to Challenge Women," I discussed why you
want to be challenging women, how it helps you, and what the potential risks are if you take it
too far. And I offered a few strategies from the book on not being too little of a challenge.
But what about really being a challenge to women? Is it possible to use conversation and
communication to set things up so that women are pursuing you, regardless of whether they were
or weren't at first?
Sure, it's absolutely possible.
And, it's a heck of a lot easier than you might think.
"Why does she keep going for guys who don't treat her right?" says the nice guy to his friend,
struggling to understand why that girl he likes keeps falling for bad boys despite the fact that
he's right there and would gladly give her everything she says she wants. "Why can't she see I'd
do ANYTHING for her? I'd give her exactly what she says she wants!"
My guess is that anywhere from 60% to 80% of men in the Western world fall into the "nice
guy" category these days. These are the men who'd happily do whatever it is women wanted to
be with them - if only they could figure out what women wanted!
But they can't. So, they just keep trying to do EVERYTHING for women, and being confounded
when women choose someone else over them.
But women don't want a man who'll do everything for them.
Quite to the contrary.
Women want men that they must work for.
To quote Bogg's and Ray's research on "The Heterosexual Appeal of Socially Marginal Men"
again:
Surveyed women consistently specify preferences for egalitarian dates and/or mates.
A common perception is that many of these same women often select consorts who are
inscrutable, assertive, and controlling, ultimately bemoaning their choices. Dominance
has been experimentally shown to provide initial attraction advantages. The Byronic
Hero, a venerable literary model, embraces protagonists who possess extraordinary
masculine traits that include dominance but also multiple personal flaws. Byronic
Heroes, easily identified and plentiful in popular fiction, appear strongly to resonate
with youthful audiences and provide alluring portrayals of heterosexual relations. In a
classroom survey employing slide images of paired apparel models and a blind date
scenario, collegiate women slightly but significantly preferred models
independently judged to project Byronic traits over equally handsome
men who appeared affable and conventional. Subject comments on Byronic
models uniquely included allusions to sexual and mysterious/rebellious attributes. It
Even sitting in a classroom, without having so much as met the men, only looking at images of
them, women still rated as more attractive the men with the bad boy-esque "flaws" than the
equally attractive "flawless" men.
Why? Why is imperfect rated as more perfect than perfect?
If you ask me, there's one reason, and one reason only:
Attainability.
Too much attainability, and your value becomes too easy to see, and thus not very
exciting. There's no novelty of discovering anything new, and a girl can easily reach in
and grab whatever she wants. There's no challenge.
Too little attainability, and your value becomes too murky, as if you've intentionally
obfuscated it. She feels like you're playing with her, or out of her league. You're too
unattainable, and she auto-rejects.
Just right attainability, and she can see enough of your value to feel like you aren't
toying around with her, and enough to intrigue her, but there's also enough murkiness on
the lens that she can't really see anything, and now she's struggling to wipe away the
murk. She's curious; her interest is piqued. She feels like she can get what's behind that
lens, but she needs to know what that is, first. Now she's interested... she's desirous... and
she's in pursuit.
Obviously, it'd be much better if your attainability isn't too high (no challenge), and isn't too low
(auto-rejection), but instead is just right (the perfect balance of attainable and challenging).
And these men with Byronic traits tend to be exactly that.
If you had to put each of the following three boxes from above, who'd go in which box?
Kyle, a great guy who goes out of his way to do whatever women ask of him. He drives
female friends around town, helps them with their projects, and is ready for dinner,
parties, or going out on a moment's notice. Kyle frequently finds himself wishing he had
more success with women, but he believes that if he just keeps spending time around
them and being as helpful as possible, at some point he's bound to start finding success.
Clive, a perfect example of an all-around great guy. Clive's in great shape, he's friendly,
smart, charming, fun, and straightforward. He's one of those guys you feel like Mother
Nature blessed with unfair advantages in just about every department. Clive doesn't have
any great hidden secrets or a "damaged soul;" his life, rather, is an open book, and he's
happy to let anyone who wants to read it.
Flip, an attractive guy with a checkered past. Flip's perhaps not what you'd consider
naturally good looking, but he has a certain edge about him that you notice the moment
you first meet him. Flip has his own rugged style about him, an air of devil may care, and
a tendency to shrug off insults, challengers, and those wishing him ill-will like beads of
sweat. Flip's developed charisma about himself over the years, and when he steps in the
room everyone notices - and wonders what, exactly, his story is.
That's right - Kyle's the nice guy who's too attainable and no challenge for women at all.
Clive's the guy who's too good to be true and out of the leagues of most girls. He's also not all
that interesting, mysterious, or captivating, so he paradoxically struggles to be seen as a lover
despite his laundry list of good qualities.
Flip, on the other hand, is just right; he's attractive enough that women want to get to know
more about him, mysterious enough that they never really feel they've found out everything there
is of interest about him, and just attainable enough, due to his flaws and vulnerabilities, that girls
feel like they can get him.
Here's this perfectly imperfect man, with imperfections that must be overcome. The girl needs to
"save" this guy from his checkered past and his flaws.
He's the bad boy that nice guys sit there and fume over the girls going crazy for.
Imagine I showed you into my house and pointed out two coffee mugs sitting there on a cabinet
overlooking the den. One mug, I explained, I'd spent years scouring shops and listings for in
vain, before finally having a friend locate one for me in a remote part of Canada. I'd had it
shipped out here from there. The other mug, I told you, I'd won at a raffle at some party I'd gone
to.
Which mug would you assume is more valuable? Almost certainly the first, right?
Yet, I haven't told you anything about either mug's value. I haven't said what they're made of, if
they have any special designs, what their retail market prices are. You just know that one mug
I worked really hard for, and the other I didn't, and you assume the one I worked hard for
must be a lot more valuable.
The amount of effort put into attaining something factors in directly to how high we calculate its
value.
This is why, among collector's objects (coins, stamps, trading cards, etc.), the most valuable
items are quite often the rarest objects. It isn't any special property of the object itself that makes
it so valuable... it's the level of difficulty in acquiring it.
Same deal with your value as a man. If there are a million other nice guys in town just like you...
that makes you not so rare.
But if you're the Byronic male, attractive but flawed, rare and difficult to get, preselected and
competed over by women... suddenly you start to look a lot more valuable.
So how do you start being a challenge to women and getting them working to acquire you? How
do you know how to challenge enough, and when you've challenged too much? And what do you
say - and do - to make yourself into that kind of challenge women want so much?
You might meet some ugly girl out at a bar, and she considers you way out of her league,
auto-rejects before you even say hello, and the moment you start talking to her she treats
you like the scum of the Earth.
Next, you may meet some beautiful girl, who also considers you out of her league, and
she acts cold and aloof, fearing rejection.
After her, you meet an ordinary girl surrounded by loads of male fans and friends, and
she sees you and automatically pegs you in her mind as another probable fan, and
immediately writes you off as "no challenge." She's very nice and polite to you, because
she doesn't want to hurt your feelings - after all, it must suck never being able to be with
someone as amazing as her.
Right there alone, you have two women whose league you're out of - one ugly, and one beautiful
- and one who thinks she's out of YOUR league - an ordinary girl with a lot of "just friends"
male worshippers and emotional validators.
And you can't go just off of looks, or any other characteristic - one girl might think you're out of
her league, and the next girl who looks exactly like her may think you don't have a shot in hell
with her, while the next girl after that who looks exactly like those first two girls may think
you're just perfect for her.
You can't go off appearances. You need to be able to read and adjust on the fly.
How do you read attainability? You look for:
If you need to remember those when you're out meeting women, just think "ACER" - aloofness,
compliance, enthusiasm, rudeness.
Aloofness is bad (you want less of it), compliance is good (you want more of it), enthusiasm is
good (you want more of it), and rudeness is bad (you want less of it).
How do you know where your attainability falls with any given girl? Use ACER. If a girl is:
Aloof +
Compliant Enthusiastic Rude +
... you're in "no challenge" land and in real danger of entering the friend zone.
If she's:
Aloof Compliant +
Enthusiastic +
Rude -
... you're exactly where you need to be with her, where she's neither aloof nor rude, but IS both
compliant and enthusiastic about being with you and talking with you.
Much of the time, your attainability is going to be a little off, since you're approaching women
and that's an uncommon thing to do. The very nature of approaching means you're going out
on a limb and making it clear that you're interested; you may come across as the one who's
chasing, or you may come across as someone who doesn't see her as a human being and
merely as a sex object.
It's common to approach women and have them be somewhat aloof at first. This is actually
auto-rejection, not no-challenge. They don't know you from Jack, assume you're just another
guy who doesn't care about them and is only trying to get in their pants, and feel disgusted
thinking how impersonally you're treating them.
So, you respond by being equally aloof - you:
This is not how normal men behave after the approach, and it intrigues most women into
wondering if you aren't actually different. They'll begin viewing you as a person and not some
stereotypical man who's chasing sex, and your attainability goes up.
They begin to warm up to you and ask you questions and show interest.
What about the opposite though? The girl you approach who's NOT rude or aloof, but also
doesn't seem super excited to talk to you and doesn't give you investment when you ask for it?
This girl views you as not very challenging, for whatever reason.
Could be the case you came in too energetic and not adhering to the Law of Least Effort. Could
be you came across as nervous or overly friendly or not a very sexy man.
It's worth knowing the "why" for training and perfecting purposes, but for immediate purposes of
troubleshooting attainability, it doesn't matter. All that DOES matter is that you start being a
challenge with this girl.
Acting aloof here doesn't work very well. When you try being aloof with a girl who already sees
you as "no challenge," it doesn't inspire chasing; it gets viewed as "cute" or "pouty."
Instead, you must be directly challenging, e.g.:
Deep diving her and getting rapidly to core issues you can get her qualifying herself on
(see: "What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her")
Chase framing her, setting up sexual frames, and positioning things so that she's the one
who's doing the chasing
Compliance stacking and finding ways to get her investing, even if it's very small
amounts, and escalating that investment until you are moving her around and getting
higher levels of investment out of her
When a girl is cool, rude, and/or aloof with you, tone it down with her, be calm,
minimize investment, and get her comfortable around you with you being very chill,
relaxed, and not pressuring her or asking for anything out of her at all to let your
attainability rebound. Think of this as "taking the pressure off."
When a girl is friendly, uninterested, and/or nice with you, turn up the heat,
get more demanding with her, really grill and probe her on her background, dreams, and
motivations, suggest that she's pursuing you, and escalate investment from her to shift
yourself out of being too attainable. Think of this as "putting the pressure on."
You can use these challenge "gear shifts" to rapidly change how women see you and make them
alter their perceptions of your attainability and how difficult it is to get what they want from you.
This is far more effective than simply saying, "I'd like to take you home," because it follows up
with, "But I can't," then gives the girl an action to take if she'd like to make it happen.
If she takes that action, and finds a way for the two of you to leave together despite her friends
(in this example), she's buying in and committing to what the two of you will do together.
Then, no longer is this simply what YOU want to do... but it's what BOTH of you want to do.
Obviously, you need well-balanced attainability mixed with attraction and a fair amount of
investment already for barriers to work - they won't inspire women to action early on when
they're still on the fence about you. Girls need to be excited about and ready to take whatever the
next step proposed by the barrier is in order to take it.
Of course, this only works if these traits actually set you apart. If you say, "Most guys are
weak," but you don't exactly seem the pinnacle of strength and dominance yourself, well, she's
going to shrug her eyebrows as if to say, "Huh?"
But if you actually are the opposite of the trait you point most people out as having, women
recognize this and instantly become a lot more aware of your scarcity.
You can show how impressive you are night and day, but if you never point it out by contrasting
it with what almost everyone else is doing and being, the contrast never fully registers.
Make it register by making a few points.
(Obviously, if your whole conversation is, "Most people are this," and, "Most people are that,"
you're going to wear that one out pretty fast. Use it sparingly to get the right level of contrast
running without overdoing it)
Girl A tells you, "I'll wait for you as long as you need! You just call me or text me
anytime!"
Girl B tells you, "I like you, and I want to be with you. But I'm not waiting, so choose."
Which girl has your respect, and which girl are you most likely to actually want, desire, and
date? Girl B by a landslide... not even close.
Why's it work this way? Well, we tend to intuit that the more valuable a person's time is, the
more valuable the person himself is.
So, if your time is so value-poor that you're willing to wait around for a girl, or spend a lot of
time pursuing her, then you must be value poor as well. Ouch.
How do you apply time limits then, to get around being that sad little man who's perpetually
available?
You can do this with:
Laser focus on the person you're talking to. Truly busy people tend to be some of
the most focused you'll meet. But wouldn't you expect busy people to be distracted? In
some things, occasionally, yes; but with socializing, if someone lets others interrupt
and distract him, he's simply communicating poor control of his time and attention.
You can get his attention any time, simply by interrupting him and asking for it. If you're
zeroed in on whomever you're talking to though, girls will know they can't get your
attention again simply by breaking your circle, and will know they need to use what
time they have with you to advance things.
Not being available for social functions. Women will sometimes test you out to
see if you'll be a good fit for their friend zones by inviting you to accompany them to
social functions. You should always politely turn these down. Make it clear that the
only time you have available for them is one-on-one time... don't waste time being a part
of their group.
Slow correspondence response times. Taking a little while to respond back to
phone calls and text messages helps to establish some scarcity. Not responding to emails
and Facebook messages and texts and other things some of the time (or much of the time)
will do this as well. When you're actually truly very busy, you'll do this naturally
anyway. When you're not there yet though, you can still slow down your responses so as
not to seem overeager.
Telling women you're moving out of town or not sticking around. If this isn't
the case with you, obviously, you can't really use it, but if you're leaving town even in a
year or so, letting women know in conversation that you won't be around forever creates
some time limits for things to happen in.
One thing I don't advocate is the "false time constraint," where you tell a girl soon after opening
her that you've got to be going soon. Saying this presumes that the girl doesn't want you
there and wants you out of her hair; it's used to "buy you some time" to win her over.
But if you're hanging around meeting women who don't want you around... you're doing things
wrong.
Skip the FTCs and focus in stead on being less available and being zeroed-in on girls when you
are available. Make your time quality time, and limited quality time.
This is how you create the nonverbal feel of someone in high demand, and really get girls
chasing after you.
Hi Anon,
Flight attendants can be a little difficult to meet on-plane, simply because they're in work mode
and they're accustomed to men hitting on them there anyway.
I've picked up flight attendants in nightclubs, but I haven't really sat and tried to get a method
down for it on a plane simply because of the logistical difficulty. I've had friends pick up flight
attendants on their ways out of planes though, setting up dates and grabbing numbers while
waiting for the rest of the passengers to deplane. My TOP recommendation would be to find out
where the flight attendants hang out in your city (there's typically one or two bars that flight
personnel gather at) and focus on meeting them there, simply to give yourself more time to work
and a more social setting to work in.
If you're set on meeting attendants on planes, you'll need to come up with some sort of pattern
interrupt. I'd probably use a direct opener so she knows exactly what you're about and then
escalate things quickly with pointed, personal questions on her if she's receptive to the opener.
Then most likely find out how much time she has in the city you're landing in, or if she ever has
layovers there. Swap cells and plan to meet.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Hi Anon,
I actually have an old article on this phenomenon - what you and your buddies call the "fourth
zone," I call being the "early boyfriend." Here's the article:
The Early Boyfriend: Why It's a Bad Idea
Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to get around that other than start disconnecting your
value from her. You can also have a sit down and talk with her, and simply be honest with her,
telling her, "Look, I really like you. A LOT. But we do everything a boyfriend and girlfriend do
together except actually make love, and it's destroying me. I can't be in a sexless relationship
anymore... I want to be with you, but you don't want to be with me. I understand that, but I can't
do it anymore. I can't spend time with you anymore; it's simply too painful."
At that point, she's going to decide: either that, okay, she DOES want to sleep with you... or, no,
she still doesn't want to, and she'll say goodbye.
You can't be mean, can't be bitter, you've got to be sad and you've got to let her know why and
let her know it's no fault of hers. Then cut her off if she won't be with you.
Sometimes even if she won't sleep with you at first, being away from you will make her realize
that she actually DOES want to be around you enough that she's willing to sleep with you to not
lose you / retain you as her boyfriend and lover. Or she may decide she's better off without you.
Either way, you won't be stuck in limbo anymore - either she'll be yours, or you'll be free.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Hi Maxz,
It depends on how she views your status relative to hers. If she views you as roughly equivalent
to her in value and status, then even if she's going nuts over you, showing her this much affection
when she isn't your lover yet assures her that she has too much sway over you, and immediately
ups the stakes for you to become her lover. Basically, it takes whatever amount of work you'd
need to do to bed her and double or triples it. Still possible, but it'll be a lot more grueling.
There's another alternative, however: if you're so much higher in value than her that she'd
normally consider you far out of her league and the very notion of you thinking of her makes her
laugh (i.e., she considers it playful teasing), you're okay. Think of how a girl would feel if she
got a, "Hey, I was just thinking about you," message from a rock star after he saw her. She'd
laugh, knowing that rock star sleeps with a lot of girls and that he's sending her some playful
sexual banter (the intimation here is, because he's such a sexual guy, he's thinking of her
sexually).
Essentially, if she knows that there is NO WAY on Earth that you're thinking about her longingly
and romantically, you're fine. If she thinks that's even the slightest possibility though, it's very
damaging to your cause, and you'll want to not do it with future girls.
Chase
Hey Vaughn,
I have an inkling that your third point is contributing to your first two.
When a guy lets his thoughts run rampant and he starts getting fantasies going on about girls, this
tends to make him hesitant and start treating girls with kid gloves. He won't move fast enough,
won't demand investment from girls, and won't treat them the way a man with lots of options
will. He effectively gives off loud, clear signals to women that he isn't a guy with man options,
and kills a lot of his attraction.
Even if you don't have much of a sexual vibe down yet, if you're meeting new women often and
following a process that revolves around moving girls and keeping things progressing forward in
your interactions, you should be getting dates and taking girls home at least occasionally. Are
you meeting 30 to 40 new women a week at least and improving your approach with them as you
are?
On the mental thing, you've really just got to train yourself not to think about women you have
any intentions of dating. The instant you fantasize about a girl as being something important to
you your goose is cooked, and you'll start acting funny / hesitant / unmanly around her. You've
absolutely got to shift your thoughts off girls you like and onto something else, which is where
having projects and passions you're working on come into play. It's no coincidence men with
great passions also do well with women - they have a lot more to take up their thoughts, freeing
them from overvaluing individual women.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 10 January 2013
Hi Anon,
Wonderful to hear you're seeing some progress, man. Sounds like you've made some great
headway from the days when women were losing interest quickly!
Unfortunately with the girl in question in this comment, it looks like you ran into an escalation
window - see her:
Escalation Windows
Essentially, once you start kissing a girl, you've opened the escalation window to sex, and much
of the time if you don't have sex relatively shortly thereafter (within a few hours, and sometimes
much less... typically, it needs to be sometime before the mood is broken), the window closes,
the girl backward rationalizes that she wasn't that interested in you and that's why the two of you
didn't get together, and things are over. That's why it's better not to kiss until you have a girl
alone with you.
There's not much to say here except save kissing until you're alone with her for future girls, and
keep getting out there and meeting new girls. You'll get it down, don't worry.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 10 January 2013
Hey M,
Yes, you're exactly right: once you're into deep diving, you're asking the girl to qualify and
explain herself to you, which she won't do if she's close to auto-rejection. Instead she'll just
ignore this, and you'll get negative compliance. Deep diving does bring an attainability boost, but
only after the girl shares about herself and sees that you understand and relate, and she typically
won't do this if she's too close to auto-rejection.You're basically letting things cool off and calm
down until she's ready for deep diving - and once you can get that going, you're set.
The post on being non-judgmental - yes, that'd be a good one. I've been meaning to write one for
sometime, actually - just for good measure, I've added it to the list (which I just realized I didn't
have it on before).
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Hi Anon,
For exactly the same reason that men don't fall in love with the women who throw themselves at
them (calling these girls "sluts" and treating them disrespectfully and disdainfully), but DO fall
in love with the one girl they cannot get (check out the very long comments section at the end of
"Can't Stop Thinking About Her? Here's Why You Need to Meet More Girls").
The human brain is wired to view things that are difficult to get as more valuable, because they
typically are. A man who challenges women is one who isn't needy (which means he gets girls),
is comfortable with women (which means he gets girls), and prompts them to begin investing in
him (which signals to them that he must be valuable for them to invest as they are).
Women select mates based on hard-coded genetic value. Essentially, they want men who are
good with women, because men who are good with women will give them sons who are good
with women, and these sons will give them the best chance of spreading their genetic legacy far
and wide. This measure reduces in importance as they age and begin looking to settle down; at
that point, they become more willing to "settle;" that is, to accept men who aren't quite as
challenging (or desirable). That's the age they begin to declare that they're "tired of the games"
(that they loved so much when they were younger).
That's the long answer. The short answer is, men who are a challenge to the right extent excite,
thrill, tantalize, and scintillate women into action in ways that men who are not a challenge
simply do not.
It's like the difference between playing a video game that's really, really easy to beat, and one
that's just challenging enough that you can almost beat it but keep losing at the last moment. You
REALLY want to beat that latter one... but the former one, well... it's kind of a bore.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Hey Ash,
Sounds like this girl IS chasing, in her own subtle way. She's messaging you to meet up... that's a
good sign, and that's chasing!
Sometimes you can accidentally chase when a girl's already chasing you, and it causes a total
reversal of the chase dynamic where she's now running and you're now chasing. It happens. I
usually write these girls off as girls I messed up with, take note of the lesson, and move on,
though you can sometimes turn them around if you're so inclined (depends if it's worth it to you
or not).
I think that's Ricardus's 80/20 you're referring to; mine would be something closer to "focus on
the 20% of girls who are meeting up with you and doing what you tell or ask them to do!"
(which is pretty much what Ricardus means too).
You might be having problems with this girl because the escalation failed, but it's not necessarily
a death sentence... some of the time you can still land these girls.
I'd guess that this particular one is of a somewhat different variety than the one Anon was talking
about (and I replied to below your post); it sounds more like she isn't overly flirty, but leads
when she follows, only now she's being a bit evasive after mating was initiated but not
completed.
She'll have to logically decide she wants you at this point, because now she knows what will
happen. So however things proceed, they'll go according to her decision: yes, she wants sex with
you, and will put herself in a position for it to happen, or no she does not, and she won't.
All you can do is try and get her out and see what her decision is. You can also try the failed
mating attempt remedy I discussed in the article on second date strategies; that one can be
challenging to pull off, but it's the highest percentage method when you've tried and failed to
escalate things to intimacy.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Hi Anon,
Heres the problem with assuming that pretty girls must have a superiority complex.
Imagine that every time you go out, women hit on you. Only it isnt BEAUTIFUL women. Its
okay women. And ugly women. And fat women. And every now and again, women who are
attractive ENOUGH.
Then one day, a BEAUTIFUL woman walks up to this NEVER happens. Are you afraid she
might reject you?
Of course. Because, while you have abundance, you do NOT have absolute abundance, and the
case is the same for every woman out there.
Ive never met a woman, ever, who was totally confident she could get an amazing, high quality
man open to her dream relationship at the drop of a hat. It just doesnt happen.
So what happens is, if youre the kind of man that women actually get excited about, then yes,
ABSOLUTELY, they begin to fear losing you, and fear rejection. The more attractive and
exceptional you make yourself, the more rare you become for progressively more women, and
the more you run into this.
On women giving you poker faces: I wouldnt spend much time worrying about how women
ought to treat you. Just assume that they are going to react to you however you make them feel.
If theyre giving you a poker face, yes, exactly that you havent won them over yet.
There are two solutions to this:
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 20 January 2013
Hi Matt,
If a girl's apprehensive due to your status, the best thing you can do (provided you can do it) is
meet her somewhere it's just the two of you where no one else will see her, get into a quick
conversation that lets her see she's wrong about you, and then propose (confidently!) that the two
of you meet up sometime (for food, for instance). Trade numbers. Then, just keep it on the
down-low unless you begin dating and she chooses to let people know.
Basically, she needs to know that you're going to protect her status, because in a status-oriented
environment like high school is, that's more important than anything other than a boyfriend she's
absolutely nuts about.
You can also work on increasing your status - give yourself a status reboost by showing up one
day in a revamped style, with a cool new haircut, and whether the initial wave of skepticism
from people who think you're pretending - they'll get over it and accept that this is the new you,
and then they'll start treating you very differently, assuming you are acting very differently. At
that point, things get much easier. If they ask why the sudden change, you can simply say, "I'll be
in college in 8 months. And I'm not going as the weird kid. So I want to start getting used to my
new self now so that I'll have all the kinks worked out by the time I get there."
Girls not making eye contact with you while talking to you - that's very strange. Could just be
they're very shy / not socially very well-adjusted. Try leading and geting investment and
compliance from them and see how they respond.
Most of all... keep in mind it's still just high school, a weird / memorable / unnatural environment
unlike any you've ever experienced before and any you'll ever experience again (well, unless you
spend a lot of time on Facebook, that is). Enjoy it, but there's a lot more to come.
Chase
Howdy Anon,
The problem with ultra-conservative / closed off girls is that they can get their walls up to the
point where they're rejecting out of hand almost every man they meet. If you have even the
slightest hint of something they see as "threatening," you're out.
The best advice I have on getting around this one is tweaking your vibe to the point that you
don't set off any "threat" alerts. See "Better Than Jerk" on that one.
As a player, you can get a lot of women, but there are some women who are completely closed
off to the player because they see him as insincere, dangerous, scary, or manipulative. To get
those girls, you need to move to the next level of being a "genuine guy." The genuine guy is still
appealing to the same women the player appeals to, but he's also appealing to the women with
walls up.
So long as you don't flip any of her "danger" switches, you can move quickly with her. You've
got to be extremely smooth, though. Otherwise, if you're not quite there yet, the best way to land
a girl like this is to get her comfortable over a series of dates, ideally held in quick succession.
For instance, she may not be open to sleeping with you until Date #5, but there's nothing that
says that Date #5 can't happen within 2 weeks of Date #1 if you schedule them well and keep up
momentum on running through your dates.
Re: someone you see everyday, usually this is much harder, because the "risks" associated with a
botched hook up are greater. e.g., if you're a total stranger, she can take a chance on hooking up
with you fast because if it doesn't work out, well, she'll never see you and feel awkward, and no
one else will ever know. But if she sees you everyday, she risks perpetual awkwardness, and she
risks everyone else finding out.
The less anonymous you are, the slower you end up being able to move (typically).
Chase
by Chase Amante
Sunday, 10 April 2011
and don'ts of it. You did mention in one of your posts (chase framing post) your would write
about "comprehensive investment / compliance post".
You probably hear a lot of praise, but I'm just putting it out there that this is indeed great stuff. I
honestly do wish I had come across your site earlier. All in all, you now have a regular reader.
Investment's a great topic. It's one of those things that boggled the heck out of me early on, but it
pays such incredible dividends in the end. Once you really get down a strong, solid gameplan for
investment and you know what you're doing with it and you have your strategy for approaching
investment in whatever situation, your interactions with women run so much more smoothly.
Of course... getting there, well, that's the challenging part.
What I want to focus on in this post is specifically answering Sam's question: how much should
you be investing with women? Let's have a look at some of the dos, don'ts, and precisely why
those dos and don'ts are dos and don'ts when it comes to a concept called sprezzatura, a close
cousin of our Law of Least Effort.
It's a bit much to get your head around, but once you've got the concept you're going to start
seeing social interactions in an entirely different way.
The more invested in you a woman is, the more attached to you she'll become, and the
more likely she is to go along with what you want to do, and
The more invested in a woman you become, the more attached to her you'll become, and
the more you're going to capitulate to what she asks you to do and work to not lose her.
Now, one of these is very good for succeeding with women. The other is rather detrimental to it.
The more invested in you women become, the more they want to be with you, and the more
they're willing to do for you to maintain what they have with you. On the other hand, the
more invested in a woman you become, the more you're going to shy away from taking bold
action with her, the less aggressively you'll push things forward with her, and the more likely
you are to do what she asks or tells you to do.
Women don't like pushovers. In fact, as discussed in yesterday's post "The Secret to Hooking
Up with Friends," the more time and effort you've spent on a woman without sleeping together
with her, the less likely you are to bed her (contrary to what you'll hear just about everywhere
else).
Thus comes the Law of Least Effort, which states that the more you can achieve while appearing
to put in less effort, the more attractive, powerful, and "cool" you are perceived as.
In other words, what the Law of Least Effort is saying is, the more investment you get while
giving as little investment as possible, the more desirable you seem to women and the stronger
you seem to men.
The Law of Least Effort is why kings sit on the throne while everyone else comes to them and
stands and kneels. The Law of Least Effort is why women chase after rock stars and the band
members have someone else pick out the prettiest ones and bring them to their rooms. The Law
of Least Effort is why the male lion takes a nap all day and the females go out to hunt and bring
him food and come to him to mate.
The weak man flails his arms about wildly and rushes from place to place and accomplishes
little. The strong man waves a hand and his will is done.
Women like strong men. Check that women love strong men. But without a solid
understanding of the dynamics of investment and effort, most men's efforts to be perceived as
strong are shots in the dark.
That's why you see so many guys trying to be strong by tooling others. They do okay, until they
run into a guy who understands investment and effort, and he obliterates them. When a guy
makes a dumb comment or tries to belittle you, and you glance at him casually and skeptically
and a slight smile spreads slowly across your lips as if he's just said something cute like what a
little boy might say, then you turn your head casually back to resume doing or saying whatever
you were doing or saying before his attempt to put you down, you've just... blown him out of the
water.
Effortlessly.
Because he invested a great deal to put you on the defensive, but his efforts fell flat. He's on the
suboptimal part of the effort diagram: he's invested much, but gained little in return.
Actually, I whipped up a chart just for this post. Here it is:
The other two are the guys who don't do anything the unknowns and the guys who work hard
and get returns the peasants.
That's the main thrust behind the Law of Least Effort. Most guys out there are jesters. We want
you to be a king.
But how, exactly, do you get there?
"Studied Carelessness"
Notice that when we talk about sprezzatura, and when we talk about the Law of Least Effort,
what we're actually talking about is putting in less visible effort. In other words, it's all about
the appearance of being effortless.
To get to that point, you may very well have to work yourself to the bone, though.
Cultivating an appearance of studied carelessness of effortlessness is no small feat. It entails
an understanding of social dynamics that few people ever come to possess. And it entails
mastering the ability to get people to do what you want without having to expend much effort.
That's two things right there that are essential to it. They are:
Both, for obvious reasons, are essential to being a talented seducer and ladies man, so you're
going to end up working hard to master both of those anyway. But you should also be seeking, as
you learn them better and better, to incorporate their lessons into your presence and presentation;
you should seek to minimize the visible effort you put in while maximizing your returns.
Let's take this out of abstraction and look at an example so you can start seeing what I mean.
Example Part 1
A man sees a woman across the room. He locks eyes with her, turns to face her fully, and strides
across the room directly toward her. When he reaches her, he faces her fully and introduces
himself.
Example Part 2
A man sees a woman across the room. He feigns not noticing her, then talks to someone nearby
him. Several minutes later, he strikes off, taking a circuitous route around the room, until he
comes nearby to her. He acts as if he's just noticed her, and casually nudges her arm, getting her
attention. She looks at him first; he turns to face her a bit and locks eyes with her, and introduces
himself.
Of those two men, which would you say the woman felt more attraction to?
Well, she probably thought the first guy was quite bold. But consider this: now that she has this
expectation of him being this incredibly bold man, for walking across the room zeroed in on her,
if he's anything less than incredibly bold and direct, do you think it'll work?
Well... not really, it won't, no. He needs to be on fire, or be so accustomed to incredible boldness
that it's simply the way he always is. There are a few men who can do that consistently but
most men can't. And reaching that level of consistent boldness, while a noble goal, is incredibly
difficult. You can do it, but there are faster and easier paths to success with women.
The second man in our example, everything seems so casual and natural and effortless. The
woman isn't going to expect him to be incredibly bold. But if he is, she'll be still more impressed.
And if he isn't, if he's still cool and in-control, she's going to be attracted. Because, from her
perspective, he's put in very little effort to get to know her, but he does a good job of it
anyway.
That first guy put a lot of effort in, so he's going to be held to a much higher standard for results.
If his results don't go above his already large outlay of effort, he's going to look tryhard.
The second guy is held to a lesser standard for results since he put less effort in. That means that
even if he doesn't get quite the results the bold guy does, comparatively he's going to appear
more attractive, and women will be more willing to do something with him.
This isn't speculation. This is rigorously tested. I've done the "walk across the room and boldly
open" thing a number of times. You get strong reactions out of it; women either really dig it, or
they're very dismissive. The ones that dig it though, if you don't move incredibly strongly and
boldly with them right away, you lose them fast.
Needless to say, I usually go the sprezzatura route and go for effortlessness. It means that even if
I'm a little off, I still have a decent shot of moving things forward. You don't have to be perfect
when you're visibly expending little effort.
The funny thing is, the guy who navigates around the room to casually open a girl, when you
think about it, he's actually expending more actual effort than the guy who just straight-lines it
for the girl. But it isn't about actual effort it's about the appearance of effort.
The king may be crunching inordinate amounts of numbers in his head and stressing like crazy
over how to get the population what they want and not incite rebellion and how to manage the
drama going on between his wife and his head concubine, and he may be putting in late nights
planning and strategizing and figuring it all out.
But when people come before him on the throne, he only sits there calmly and gives them orders.
He's the hardest working man in the kingdom. But he creates the appearance of achieving all the
results he achieves on the expenditure of little effort, and it makes him seem all the more
powerful.
Keep correspondence with women short, direct, and to-the-point; use it primarily to
arrange face-to-face meetings.
Master the arts of deep diving and conversation to get women talking a great deal while
speaking sparingly yourself.
Learn to move slowly and regally; powerful men don't jerk around or move much. Strong
men have abundant levels of stillness.
Learn the right voice tone for giving commands. You'll often want to raise your voice at
the end of a command, as if it were a question, without actually making it a question. This
raises buy-in substantially and eliminates much of the chance a woman resents you for
giving her a command (more common with Western women).
Learn to respond to jokes or insults with subtle facial expressions instead of verbal
responses. In fact, learn to respond to many things that don't necessarily need a verbal
contribution with expressions instead.
Talk slowly and use lots of pauses. Powerful men don't speed through their conversation;
they take their time to make a point.
Once you have those down fairly well, you'll notice you start getting greater and greater returns
on lower and lower amounts of visible effort. You may still be expending a greater degree of
actual effort, processing everything and learning new behavioral patterns. But the cool part about
it is, once you've learned it, it becomes second nature then, socializing does become truly
effortless.
When it reaches the point where it's easy and natural and it just flows, and all you have to do is
start talking to girls and things just work and they somehow just end up in your bed... that's when
you know you've made it.
Sprezzatura. Just remember you want to be the king leave being the jester to all the other guys
out there.
Chase Amante
Posted by Chase Amante on Friday, 15 April 2011
Hey Sam, thanks very much for the props and you're quite welcome for the post. This is
something I've heard people talk about in bits and pieces before but I haven't seen put together
fully anywhere. It's one of my theoretical things I'm working on to contribute to the field of the
social arts. It gets a lot more involved, but I'm slowly teasing it all out.
The cool thing is, effort stuff has applications just about everywhere, as you note. If you use the
concept of effort-results to underpin your social interactions, you'll find you improve quite fast.
It's effects end up being rather amazing when you're using it properly. It's a basic program
running under the hood in human value calculations about nearly everything.
And, while effort doesn't necessarily lead to attraction, for sure man, I wrote this out on your
suggestion -- so now, I suppose, I feel a bit more invested in you ;)
Cheers brother,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Hey Ben,
Ah, no fun being the nice guy. Fortunately, if you're a nice guy, that means you're also probably
a pretty decent human being which means, if you can force yourself to make the changes you
need to make, once you've given yourself more of an edge you'll find it easier to transition to the
top echelon of being a genuine guy than the guy who's a bit of an asshole by default will.
I actually come from a sales background myself (sold tires from 2001 - 2006; consistently one of
the top salesman in the region), and I've long been somewhat of an armchair psychologist, so
that's where a lot of the sales / psychology influence is seeping in from ;)
In any event, you're quite welcome, and hope you're able to start getting the edge you need to
make some waves!
Best,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Hey Cam,
That's a cool question.
Sprezzatura-ing your way into after parties actually isn't uncommon, provided your dressed
reasonably well and you've got cool conversation. When you seem chill and people in the group
like you, you stand a good chance of getting invited in.
The most important part is usually making one strong, good connection off the bat. Find
somebody cool, and get into an engaging conversation with that person. When it's time for him
or her to go rejoin the party, she'll get you in.
I'd say about 80% of the time I've gone this route, the person's invited me in. A few times some
cat I spent 10 or 15 minutes talking to didn't invite me into an exclusive party, which wasn't too
cool of them, but most people will.
I might do a post on this at some point -- how to get into parties and after parties. Fun stuff
though.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Women nearly universally display a social behavior with men they like that's often referred to as
"testing." Testing is what women do when they're looking to see if a man is strong and congruent
with himself; in other words, if he really is all the man he's presenting himself to be.
Asking a man to do something for her, or teasing him with sexual suggestions to see if he jumps
at the opportunity or gets overexcited, or dropping hints with regards to her own promiscuity or
relationship status to see if he gets defeated and walks away all those are "tests," and there are
many other varieties.
Testing often gets a bad rap with men. It gets called annoying, frustrating, or petty but still, all
but the absolute most innocent, trusting, inexperienced women the ones who don't know men
any better yet do it. But why do women test men, and how do you act in testing situations?
That's the subject of this post: what to do when women test you.
Playfulness
Frustration
Disgust
Dismissal
All, stated otherwise, "borderline" emotions. Emotions she feels when she's on the fence about a
guy and not dead-set on going to bed with him or, conversely, on counting him out as a sexual
option altogether.
If a woman is testing a man playfully, it's because she's interested, but not yet convinced. She's
enjoying spending time with him, but doesn't take him fully seriously yet (that doesn't mean she
won't later). Her sentiment is basically, "This guy is cute. I wonder if he's the real deal..."
If a woman's testing a man in frustration, disgust, or dismissal, she's in one of a variety of stages
of auto-rejection and is, by testing him, throwing him a lifeline at redemption. Her sentiment is
basically, "I hope he says or does the right thing in response to this test and makes me change my
mind about him."
Take note that women will not test two specific types of men:
So if you're not being tested, it's because a woman either has written you off entirely as not a
valid option, or she's so entranced and in-love with you that she hasn't a doubt in her mind that
you are the one she wants to be with. An example of the former the guy she's written off
might be a guy she's just friends with in a very platonic way. An example of the latter the guy
she's head-over-heels with might be a guy who's in a local rock band and she knows exactly
what she wants with him a quick fling or one-night stand, for instance and she's fully
committed to getting it.
training despite the immediacy of the situation. This is every bit as true with meeting women
and riding out tests; even when you know exactly how you ought to respond to a test, early
on you'll often find yourself defaulting to weak or defensive responses regardless.
Don't beat yourself up too much over this; just recognize that you need more exposure and more
time in the field meeting live women and experiencing the things women test men with in real
life to develop the thick skin to it you need to remain calm and composed and follow your
training.
Let's have a look now at some examples of how a collected, self-assured man would reply to the
same tests we used above from women. Facial expressions, body language, and tonality are all
crucial here; a woman's paying even more attention to what you communicate nonverbally than
to what you say verbally when you respond to a test of hers. You want to be a sexy man and be
charming and evocative as you reply so don't just work on the words; work on the delivery,
too.
Scenario One: Drinks
Girl: Will you get me a drink?
Man: Maybe later, if you're good. What brought you out tonight?
Scenario Two: Hand on Her Arm or Leg
Girl: Would you mind not touching me like that? I don't like being touched.
Man: You mean like this? [slapping other hand on her right next to where first one is, and
smiling like he's just about to start laughing; it's a game to him]
Girl: I just don't like it when people I don't know touch me.
Man: [laughs] Okay, party pooper. You want an awkward wall of no-touching between us, fine.
[moves hands] I still might go find a ruler or something to reach out and caress your cheek with
later once you've decided I'm the man of your dreams.
Scenario Three: Resistance
Girl: I can't go sit with you, sorry; I have to stick close to my friends.
Man: Yes you can. Come sit with me; it's just over here. You'll be plenty close to your friends.
Scenario Four: Temptation
Girl: So what is it you want to do with me, exactly?
Man: Well, the first thing I want to do with you is have you keep me company while I drink my
drink. After that... hmm, we'll see.
So, I won't say "enjoy tests," because while with time you'll come to enjoy them, first you've got
to get through that initial period where they genuinely are a pain to deal with. But, if you put in
the time meeting women and getting to know them, you'll face many a test down the line, and the
more you face, the more you'll come to handle them with confidence and panache. So maybe,
don't enjoy tests... but do try not to mind them too much.
I have lost count of the number of times women have tried to make me jealous with some other
guy and I have always done the same thing - nothing.
It's actually quite amusing (unless it concerns a close friend and a wedge being driven between
us) letting them enjoy the initial phases of their jealousy strategy, and then watching them
gradually end up stuck with the guy they chose to use to try and make me jealous. I've had
women end up getting pregnant to the jealousy tactic guy and still stuck years later tearing their
hair out dealing with raising kids with some guy they can't even stand, all because of a stupid
game they tried to play with someone who didn't even find them particularly appealing in the
first place (and most of the girls who have tried this tactic with me have ranged from me not
being attracted to them at all, to being only mildly interested).
In cases where I have actually had strong feelings for the young woman who unfortunately
decided to resort to the jealousy tactic (which I am sometimes partially lay the blame with myself
for as I like things to develop slowly with those who I feel are special and potentially 'the one',
thus they get frustrated), as disappointed and heartbroken as I have been, I have just sat back and
watched the same thing happen. I must say I've been tempted to intervene, but I could simply
never ever allow myself to respond to this jealousy nonsense in any other way, and as soon they
choose to go down that path they're a write-off, no matter how strong the feelings I had for them
were. I will let them die.
To all those who say things like 'you must move fast or you will lose that woman to somebody
else', 'no good woman will wait about' etc., I would say that women have minds and feelings of
their own and aren't passive, fickle little barbie dolls who need to be chased, persuaded and
stolen from somebody else. They can either feel it in their gut if they find a particular man is
special or they can't, and if they choose to move onto another man because they feel the guy they
want is not moving fast enough for them without trying to communicate with him in any way,
then they immediately make a very foolish and often irreparable move in a potentially wonderful
relationship. So to any guy who has been in this situation, and there are many as so many women
clearly choose this idiotic path, you have not 'missed the boat', not lost a good woman - just
identified one that isn't of value. Whereas she, on the other hand, has destroyed a potentially
lifelong partnership over a completely irrational maneuver.
I also find it hard to comprehend how so many women actually believe this nonsense that if a
man really wants them he will chase after them and tell them no matter what. A man with an
attitude to jealousy tactics as outlined above for instance will stick to his principles and never
bend in such circumstances. But aside for that, there could be literally thousands of reasons why
a man may be reluctant to approach a woman he has deep feelings for and spill his heart out ranging from him having something as serious as a terminal illness, to him having gotten
excessively concerned about something which isn't even a problem at all. In situations like this,
once again, it's the woman who chooses to act irrationally and in haste that ultimately loses. How
can anyone logically argue otherwise if a woman chooses to act in this way without even
attempting communication?
Bottom line guys - If a woman chooses to try and manipulate you with some stupid game just
watch her play it on her own and then watch her ultimately end up stewing in her own juice/mess
of her own making. And if a woman who you thought was special jumps to someone else (often
a part of the jealousy tactic itself) and demonstrates she feels you weren't worth waiting for (or at
least wants you to think that), then she has ultimately only demonstrated that she wasn't good
enough for you.
Dude, your comments read like Shakespeare. It's almost like I wrote it myself.
I can check nearly every column you mentioned - being indifferent to their games, and walking
away from a manipulator no matter how great the attraction may be. I've lost what I thought were
"good" ones in the process, and now that some years have passed on more than a few, I see that I
dodged some pretty nasty bullets.
Nowdays, I would let a girl who plays these kinds of games go without a second thought. My
"test" is whether or not she continually tries to "test" me. It's pretty easy to pass - ask me instead
of manipulating me and I'll tell you or stop at nothing to meet your requests, and my GF of 3+
years agrees that communication is ALWAYS the best strategy. Play games, and you will fail
something epic. That is my "Battle hardened tactic."
Funny how most manipulators/players will rabidly claim to be independent, but can't figure out
how to love themselves without the presence of a man/woman in their life. Also, I grew up with
two women in my adolescence, and understand the need for companionship, but I also
understand the difference between a truly strong woman and a needy person who derives his/her
self worth from the ability to manipulate or use others.
For BOTH sexes - it is well documented that the COMMON SENSE, ABSOLUTELY
FOOLPROOF METHOD to finding the best mates is to pick those who have already proven
themselves in a LTR. If it was with someone you know to be less than stable, it's probably a safe
bet -- no games required to gauge the firmity of character. However, if the person they left is
known to be more stable, you are almost certainly walking right into a trap.
But if you have to play teenage level games in order to see what kind of person you are dealing
with, you are not worthy. Period. Haste is the reason you have to play these games in the first
place -- learn to take things slowly, and you don't won't have to worry about placing high levels
of trust in a person you don't know right away. Trust me, communication, honesty, and respect
will win even the toughest of souls over when coupled with determination and patience. And if a
person is not interested in you, move on. Dating is complicated enough as it is, and strategies like
that outlined in the above article will definitely make your life worse.
PS - There are a rapidly growing number of inexperienced men who are zeroing in on these
stupid manipulation tests, and learning how to artificially defeat them, regardless of this article's
accuracy. You are up against a man's primal thirst for sex, and he will deploy cunning strategies
to get what he wants. If you want to know if it's real, the only tactic you need is to see if his
pursuit is sustained and exclusive to you. Be warned (or find out the hard way if you must) that
jealousy will make even a good hearted man turn sour without warning. And keep in mind that a
man who is unflappable... is also likely to be uncompromising. There's a reason he is "in
control," and you can bet your last dollar that he will always be the one in control.
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Alright gentlemen, if you feel like fishing with dynamite, Im going to show you how in this post on Chase
Framing. This is how to get girls to chase you. If your goal is women pursuing you, women chasing after
you, women trying to sleep with you chase framing is the closest thing to a magic bullet you can come.
Mix in investment and always moving things forward, and youll have the recipe for a lot of fast sex and
strong relationships with women who want you with a passion.
First, something in the way of a definition.
Chase Framing is what we call the way a man positions himself as the object of a womans desires
and efforts to seduce, by two key subtle strategies: investment and humor. Were going to look at
both of those here, but in particular I want to focus on the power of humor and how it can be used to
set an ironclad chase frame.
A little note on the way the brain processes suggestions. The human mind is a powerful tool, adept at
taking in thoughts and ideas from all over its environment. And when people suggest things, the mind
captures those suggestions, imagines them, and considers them. And once the mind has imagined
something, it is almost a kind of memory, albeit one that typically lacks the kind of strong emotional
punch and immediacy of a true memory.
When we talk about using humor to set a chase frame, one of the main reasons why this is so effective is
because every time you joke about a woman chasing after you, fantasizing about you, or doing
something with you, you are painting that picture in her head.
Sexual Humor
The humor side of chase framing takes advantage of another way the brain reacts to stimuli in its
environment, by using a technique called anchoring. Ever have a negative person in your life? Maybe
a friend, maybe a coworker, maybe a family member, maybe an ex-girlfriend. And every time you spoke
with this person, he or she made you feel bad? Eventually, just thinking of that person makes you feel
bad.
Now, ever have a teacher, or a supervisor, or a friend, who just inspired you, and made you feel good,
and made you feel like you could do anything you set your mind to? Just thinking about this person
makes you feel good, doesnt it? And you want to spend as much time with him or her as possible.
Because youve anchored positive emotions to the thought of this individual.
Sexy humor combines these two elements it gets girls imagining the two of you together, and it gets
them doing so in a way thats fun and enjoyable and pleasurable theyre laughing and having a good
time. These kinds of imaginings are really the next best thing to actual memories sure, youve never
met this woman before, never dated her, never slept with her, never had a relationship with her
before. But through sexy humor, you can help her imagine what that might be like, and open her to the
possibility of the two of you getting together.
To make this work, youll first need a sense of humor. The good news is, your sense of humor is
something learned so if you dont have one, you can learn one; and if you have one but it needs some
brushing up, you can brush it up. It just takes a little time, is all. I may get around to writing a primer on
humor in general, but its a bit of an ephemeral subject. For now, lets just say that if you are short on
humor and want to develop your sense of it, start by picking out some comedians whose style you
admire and would like to emulate, and start working to incorporate that style into your own
conversations and interactions on a day-to-day basis.
As for sexy humor Ill start with a few examples. Basically, the idea is to just integrate this style of
humor into your regular conversation. It can range from the subtle to the sophomoric use your
judgment, and realize that it depends greatly on the girl. In general though, even the relatively crude
stuff most women find funny and attractive. Good rule of thumb: if shes laughing, she likes it. Girl:
What do you want to eat? Im kind of craving hot dogs. Guy: Craving MY hot dog, probably. Why do you
want to eat hot dogs? Girl: What do you think we should do? Guy: You probably dont want to know. I
dont know if youre ready for that yet. Girl: Whats your favorite band? Guy: The rubber kind. I use
them to tie women up and do naughty things to them. Girl: I hate when you go to a restaurant and
service is slow and lazy. Guy: Are you telling me you like it fast and hard?
The above are some very basic examples of sexy humor. They use reinterpretation and suggestions to
plant the thought of you and a girl doing things together, or at the very least get her thinking about sex
around you.
There are a few rules when it comes to sexy humor. Some of them include:
Avoid being blatantly overt. Usually you wont want to use blatant sex words like sex cock
pussy vagina etc. When you make a sexy humorous comment, quite often its the implied
meaning that makes it so fun
Decide whether to let it hang, or keep moving. Sometimes its better to drop a sexy joke and let
it hang and sink in, and give a girl a chance to respond. Other times especially if its something
thats almost overt and you think shell most likely object to it you want to keep moving in the
conversation immediately after you make the remark, and get back to normal conversation
(see the hot dog response for an example of this)
Make sure to use appropriate facial expressions so she knows youre kidding! A sly,
mischievous smile, and looking at her out of the corners of your eyes are great ways to show
her its all in good fun
Actually, as Im writing this, Im talking to a very cute girl I know via chat. Heres some actual dialog from
our conversation to give you an idea what this might look like in context:
Chase: Job Requirements: A man of principle and integrity
Chase: lol
Chase: damn it, there goes that opportunity!
Girl: what dont you have?
Girl: integrity?
Girl: or principle?
Chase: neither
Chase: i just got skill, baby
Girl: haha
Girl: what kinda skill my dear?
Chase: i dont know if thats appropriate for me to say
Chase: there are cats in the room here with me
Perfect example of whats outlined above: notice how the sexual content is implied, but even when she
attempts to get me to lay it out plainly, I dont. I could possibly have laid it out plainly in a humorous way
(the kinda skill that makes women scream things like the opposite of NO!), but its vaguely selfqualifying, so does a little damage to my value. Better (and funnier) to further imply the way I did (saying
it isnt appropriate for me to say).
One other example from the same conversation, when I mentioned that I had some software program
she wants and she busted my balls on it:
Girl: you have one?
Girl: where?
Girl: your ass?
Girl: why, can you give it to me now???
Girl: lol
Chase: hey, you dont get to use my ass for free
Girl: haha
Girl: I will let you use my puppys for free
Girl: oh
Girl: so when are you going to sell your car again?
Chase: yes, thats just what i want Chase: to use your puppys ass
Chase: ew
Girl: He is a great licker
Girl: trust me
Girl: haha
Chase: lmao
Chase: like how you throw that trust me in there
Chase: not sure what you trained him to lick
Chase: ;)
Girl: all sick stuff
Girl: haha
Chase: gonna try to sell it asap
Chase: was supposed to sell it today, but this old chinese guy went crazy when i didnt reply to his email
in like 5 hours
Notice how you can press the sexual humor even as she tries to change the topic with the car question
(in this case, because I felt I could get a little more enjoyment out of the exchange), but then once
weve had enough of it, you just switch back to neutral topics here, answering her earlier question
about selling my car.
Sexual humor is great. Once you get halfway decent at it, and develop a real instinct for it, youre able to
use it, pump girls up with sexual joking, and right when they start feeling like its almost too much, you
immediately change course and go to something totally neutral.
You take it to the edge, but dont go over.
Thats one big part of setting yourself up as a sexual guy, and implying that she is chasing after you.
There are all kinds of ways that you can joke around with her in a way that says, Hey, I know you want
me.
Investment
Another big part of how to get girls chasing you is getting them to invest. Still planning to write a
comprehensive investment / compliance post, but for all intents and purposes lets put it like this:
Get girls putting in work for you, with you, and around you, and they will begin to see you as someone
they are pursuing.
Heres a quick primer on compliance once I get a complete post on it finished, Ill try to remember
to throw a link in this post over to that post. For now, a little bit on the basics:
1. Girls should be investing around you from the moment you meet them. This means physical
investment you have them give you their hand so you can look at a piece of jewelry or
show them something. This means verbal investment they try to impress you, or they
mention something you like and you tell them to tell you about that and they do. It means
emotional investment they get excited, curious, intrigued by you, and feel a range of
emotions toward you.
2. You should be accepting and rewarding all investment you get even if its for something
you arent all that interested in. When a woman you like offers you investment of any kind
whether its something you actually care about, or not (say, she offers to give you some small
item that you dont really want), it is FAR better to accept, and thus give her your approval and
appreciation, than it is to decline (and thus show her disinterest / lack of appreciation).
3. Learn to be aware of investment.
Everything is investment even small things like whether she is leaning in to talk to you, whether she is
focused intensely on you, whether any part of her body is touching you. Be aware of how much work
she is putting in to be with you, and seek to increase the amount even small things add up. As she
invests more, shell begin to feel that she is pursuing more. If you are accepting her investment and
rewarding her for it properly, you will create a dynamic of her chasing after you, you making her feel
good for doing so, and her continuing to do so.
Thats how to get girls to chase you. Thats what a chase frame is implying that shes chasing after you,
with words and humor, and ACTUALLY getting her chasing after you, with compliance and investment.
Combine those things, and youre off to the races.
Yours, Chase Amante
Hey Anon,
Well, first, I'll throw in a disclaimer: I can give you some theoretical advice, and what I think would work
on me and other men, but as a guy my experiences are going to be quite different from what a woman
using something like this on a man would have. So chances are, an experienced female player is
probably going to be able to give you much tighter advice than I am.
That said, yeah, normally bad dynamic for a girl to be the one inviting the guy to come over and hook up.
On the other hand, I've dated some pretty dynamic women, and I know from talking to them about their
pasts that they tend to date a lot of passive men, and they (the women) quite often end up being the
initiators of damn near everything. So I guess I'd say:
* If you're in-charge and calling the shots in the relationship, you're still okay.
* If he's in-charge but you're chasing after him, you need to course-correct.
Guys backing away after you've slept together are tough to control for. The old adage is "men chase
for sex and women chase for relationships;" once he's already taken you to bed a few times, it's going
to be a tough task to keep him around if he doesn't want to stick around.
Your best option is probably to make him want you more. Talk to him about his previous girlfriends,
find out what he fantasizes about, and then work to position yourself as that. Spend time with him, be
sexy and coy and tease him a bit... get him excited about it before you go to bed. What's a lost art
with both men and women these days is creating the whole experience of sensuality and desire
outside of the bedroom -- perhaps study some sultry, sexy vixens in the movies and see if you can
adapt some of what they do to your own style.
Chase framing like this might be okay, but I'd be a little wary of it. Most men don't take as well to witty
/ wordy women as women do to men of that style. Men get turned on far more by women being flirty
and sexual without having to say anything about getting physical.
e.g., picture a girl teasing a guy about intimacy... versus a girl sucking on a strawberry while looking
at her guy out of the corner of her eyes. Yum, right?
As a woman, you probably have a pretty good feeling for what's sexy in other women and what isn't
when you see it. So whatever you feel like doing, I'd say imagine another girl doing it, and ask yourself
if it's sexy -- or if she ought to take things back to the drawing board.
Cheers -- and hope you enjoy the rest of the summer ;)
Chase
Hey PG,
I don't think of things as all that orderly myself, but for someone just starting out I'd say work on
connecting first, and adding a sexual vibe later. Primarily that's because connecting is what you'll use
to get women to stick around; a sexual vibe in and of itself lends itself to a lot of flakiness from
women. Connections and conversations keep them around; sexiness and edginess excites them and
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 24 August
2011
1. I'm swamped -- like, literally, I'm working between 10 and 16 hours a day, juggling a social
life, trying to get back to the gym, and I'm still falling farther and farther behind in everything
I need to get done. I really can't spare another 2 or 3 or 4 hours a day responding to every
single person who wants a response that day, and that includes a lot of women who want to
meet up or chat or whatever.
2. I've realized that these are girls who want to take up my time and offer little in return. It
used to be that I'd just go for any girl I had a chance with who was reasonably attractive and
had a
tolerable personality. Now, just because of where I'm at with things, even if a pretty cute girl
is chasing me hard, if she can't fit herself into my schedule or I'm not super sold on her,
there's a good chance we aren't going to meet up.
Here's the thing: you can't tell people this stuff, because it makes you sound like a dick.
I'm not trying to be a dick. I really do feel a little bad each time some girl is messaging me excitedly to
meet up... and I don't respond right away, because I'm busy, or just lazy, and then don't even
remember that she messaged me again until like 2 weeks later. Whoops.
Of course, when I didn't have as much choice with women, it would be more like, "A girl messaged
me! Wow!" and then I'd respond right away (well, after waiting a few minutes to not seem
overeager!).
Now I more look at it and I'm like, "Ah, Jesus, another one... what am I going to do with these chicks?"
I've been trying to meet up with buddies lately and pass them girls that I just don't have time for
who've been chasing hard. Like, I'm not going to do anything with this girl, but maybe my buddy can
make good use of her.
Funny thing is, this is all stuff girls do to lots of guys. Girls ignore guys' texts and emails, or maybe
write them back much later. Girls get flustered because they're being bombarded with lots of
messages from all these men chasing after them. Girls try to be cool and introduce a guy who's
chasing them to one of their gal pals and try to get the two of them together.
I never understood this until quite recently.
I mean, I understood it in theory, but I'd never been in the situation where I was doing it myself. You
really have to be in the situation and have the experience to be able to understand and really
empathize with what's going on in someone's head -- and empathy's one of the biggest factors in
keeping your cool.
Basically, the longer a girl knows you without becoming your lover, the lower her level of attraction
for you will drop. As discussed in "Social Circle vs. Cold Approach," you get a little more leeway
when you're dealing with women from your social circle -- but still not much.
Attraction's fairly high when you first meet a girl -- and then it spikes soon thereafter, before
starting to fall if you haven't bedded her. There's some sort of mechanism buried deep in the most
primal part of women's brains that seems to scream, "This is not a guy accustomed to sleeping with
women!
Therefore, he must be less successful with women. Therefore, he'll give me sons who won't do so well
at spreading my genes with other women. Therefore, he's not a good choice as a mate."
To a woman, this just feels like, "Meh, he's a nice guy, but I'm not really all that excited about him. I
was, when I first met him... but yeah, turns out he's really just a good, nice guy. Maybe we can be
friends or something."
Time passes, and her excitement, enthusiasm, and sexual interest in a man quickly and
precipitously drops. What that means for the man is this:
She'll become less and less eager about responding to him over text, phone, and email
She'll become more and more apathetic about seeing him in person
This is a value assessment, where the man is assessed as slow and unconfident for failing to
move expeditiously, and he's judged as not being particularly desirable and the girl loses
interest.
When you're a guy, it sucks, and it feels inexplicable. "Why did she just disappear? I don't get it!!!"
And then you start chasing, trying to make things right. Often this happens totally unconsciously...
you gradually and inadvertently toss aside the maxim of "don't chase women" and you start to chase
instead.
I came across a great example of this last night in a conversation with my girlfriend. She was telling me
about some of the guys who've been chasing her for a year or more. We talked about one of these
guys on this site before, a fellow my girlfriend terms "Shopping Guy" because he'd always go hold her
bags for her on little shopping expeditions (actually, he was either fortunate or unfortunate enough to
have his own featured article, "The Sad Tale of Shopping Guy"). The guy my girlfriend told me about
last night was a guy she calls "Ho Hai Guy," because he took her one time on a date to a place here in
friend category, or the "guy chasing after me that I might, someday, in a moment of desperation, be
glad to still have around just in case of the off chance I might need him" category.
Anyway, I was discussing intermittent rewards with my girlfriend, and how rewarding people
sometimes, but not all the time, encourages addictive levels of attachment, and I talked about
specifically in responding to people who were chasing after you, and she mentioned that yeah, this
guy Ho Hai Guy sends her messages, asking her how she is, what she's doing, when they can talk,
telling her he misses her, and rubbish like that, and she usually ignores them, but every now and then
she writes back something like this:
Hey, sorry I haven't been responding, I've been really busy with studying for my exam in September
and with family stuff. I'm fine; thanks for asking! I hope you're doing good too.
And then she says she can see how happy and relieved he is in the response he texts back. He tells
her it's okay; he understands she's been really busy and that it's very important for her to be
studying for her test and that that's exactly what she should be doing. And then he tells her that
after she takes her test, the two of them should do something.
*forehead smack*
Made me think of when I used to do this with girls. Also made me think that poor Ho Hai Guy
really doesn't get it.
If a girl wants you and likes you, she's going to respond to your messages.
Yet here this poor guy is, chasing after the same girl he's been chasing for a year with no luck, not
realizing that she's been in a relationship half of that time and she's just keeping him on the
backburner, because 1) she feels bad not responding to him, and 2) she feels better knowing that she
has some guys out there who are chasing after her.
"I think everyone likes that feeling -- the feeling that people are chasing after you," she said to me.
And this isn't a manipulative girl -- she really cares about people, and doesn't want to hurt anyone.
She's just very candid.
And she's right. Everybody does want to feel like someone is chasing after them. It feels good.
But until you experience it -- not just being pursued by anyone, but being pursued by women who
are actually desirable and who other men want and pursue -- it's extremely difficult to empathize
and understand what that feeling is. And what it is is power, security, and validation that you are, in
fact, a very desirable, awesome person.
thick-skulled for not realizing the best thing in her life (me) and grabbing onto it with a vice grip when
she had the chance.
I'm grateful for the lesson though, and I don't think I'll ever plow a lot of time into investing heavily
in the life of a girl I'm not lovers with ever again. Because what happens is, as we've talked about
other places on this site, if you become too valuable to a girl you aren't lovers with, she won't want to
risk losing you for something as replaceable but potentially disastrous as physical intimacy. She
doesn't want to risk the two of you getting together, then you breaking up with her or disappearing
and then suddenly you aren't her friend or advisor or supporter anymore.
So, you don't give girls those things until the two of you are together.
at least until the two of you are lovers. At that point, if you're sleeping with her and she's sleeping
with you, if you want to spend a lot of time on her, or buy her something nice, or talk to her all night,
or go skiing with her, or help her find a better job, or introduce her to cool new people -- yeah, that's
cool.
But you can't do that stuff before the two of you are lovers, or you probably will never become lovers.
Most guys try to do this stuff up front as "proof" of what great boyfriends they're going to be. I
know, because I used to do some of it -- not the nice guy friend stuff, but I did do the "I'm going to
spend a lot of time talking to her on the phone and text her a lot and I'll become an integral part of
her life -- THEN we'll get together!"
Nope, doesn't work that way.
You do it after... otherwise, you're going to encounter a wall of resistance to the two of you
becoming lovers that's a mile high.
She won't want to risk sacrificing ALL she's getting from you for what might be a one-time roll in the
hay.
And that can even include just knowing that she's "got" you -- that can actually be quite valuable
to women.
One more thing my girlfriend said about Ho Hai Guy: she said that she'd wanted to "conquer" him.
Because he'd been a charming guy, and he'd been ignoring her. But once he started chasing -- she
knew she'd won. The challenge went away, and with it, her desire for him.
Most women aren't as honest as my girlfriend is with me. But most women, to one extent or
another, really do feel this way. It's not so good an idea to get into the habit of chasing women;
you sabotage yourself when you do.
it's more your idea of her than her as a person, especially if you've been chasing her a long time and
not spending much time with her. Ho Hai Guy and Shopping Guy are chasing after ideas of my
girlfriend. Another guy -- Fetish Guy -- I'll get a post up on his rather interesting story too at some
point -- he hardly knows my girlfriend, only met her once for an hour, and is chasing after the idea of
her too, even as he thinks he's falling in love with her).
Don't chase women. It kills their attraction for you, and it's going to tear you up inside pursuing a
girl who's -- because you're chasing her -- forced to start running away.
Here's what you do instead:
You only use texting and phone calls for a very little bit of getting to know a girl.
You primarily use texting and phone calls for setting up dates and handling logistics -- sell her
on you in person, not over the phone.
You get her out soon after meeting her, and move fast.
If she's social circle and you've known her for a long time, you make a big push to get her
Aim to get together with girls on Date #1. Why? Because she's out with you, and there's a
good chance life intervenes and there never is a Date #2, even if Date #1 goes reasonably
well. Also, the chance that a girl sleeps with you on Date #1 is higher than Date #2 and way
higher than Date #3 in most cases. Even conservative girls -- yep, still will sleep with you on
Date #1 if you handle things appropriately most times.
A few notes on this one: don't ask girls, because they'll tell you of course that won't happen.
And before you say girls won't go to bed with you on Date #1, answer me this: how many
times have you tried?
For your own sanity, adopt a cut off mark for girls. e.g., you might say, "Okay, if we aren't lovers
after Date #3, she and I are done." Of course, to make this legitimate, you need to be trying to
get together with her too -- you need to tell her to come home with you at the end of Date #1
and/or 2, and if she doesn't, you need to try again at the end of Date #3. If she still doesn't,
write her off.
After you adopt a cut off mark, add a conditional exception. e.g., for me, I have a few
exceptions to my one-date rule. If a girl's really exceptional, and I really really like her and I
think she'd make a great girlfriend, I might see her one or two more times if we don't sleep
together on Date #1 and I'll try to make it happen then. If she's not as exceptional, then I'll
have the condition that if she wants to come over and hang out at my place, we can do that,
but otherwise, I won't invest any more time into her.
So like a girl I've been on a date with who wouldn't go home with me, normally I'd write her
off, but if she started texting that she wanted to meet up, I'd text her back, "Honestly, I've
been doing so much lately that I really can't get out from under a pile of work. I could chill
though -- you could come by, we'll cook some food or order a pizza, and just kick back and
watch a movie. You game?" That weeds out a lot of them and you won't hear from them again
-- those were the ones looking for a friend or a guy to chase them -- but both the ones that
like you a lot, and the ones that just want a strong, sexy guy to take them to bed -- both of
those girls will say, "Okay."
Getting some rules like this up and running gets you keeping your cool a lot more easily, streamlines
your dating a lot, and really ups your results. You become lovers with more girls, higher quality girls,
and you get the girls you want.
Wait, you might say, how does being aggressive and ruthless like this help you get the girls you
want? Won't those amazing high quality women be scared off by stuff like this?
And that's a completely understandable concern. Here's why I'm recommending the route I am:
Think of what happens when you meet an amazing girl that you really, really like. Maybe she's
incredibly beautiful; maybe she's got a killer personality. Maybe both. So what do you do?
You go really, really slow, try not to mess stuff up... and then you don't get her. She fades away,
and you end up becoming upset that she isn't responding to your texts anymore, like what
happened with our reader at the start of this post and what happened to me plenty of times in the
past.
So why's having a solid process like this help you get the girls you want to get?
Because even incredibly beautiful girls and girls with killer personalities and girls who have both are
still just GIRLS. And they still all respond to exactly the same stuff. They still all want a man who's going
to man up and make stuff happen... and all the guys who aren't get to go cool their heels in the friend
zone and spend the next couple of months or years chasing after them until they finally give up and go
repeat the process with some other girl.
Don't be one of those guys. Don't chase women; don't go crazy holding out for that one special girl.
Understand that past a certain mark, she really is lost, and that trying to get her back is like trying to
get
back a job offer again once the opportunity's already passed you by because you took too long to
take action and seize that opportunity.
Sure, maybe if you hound the people at that company like crazy, they'll eventually hire you.
Probably not, but maybe. And sure, maybe if you hound that girl like crazy, she'll eventually date
you. Probably not, but maybe. But yeah, really probably not.
Sucks to hear, I know. You've been throwing a huge amount of time into chasing after a girl, for a
long time, investing boatloads of your time and energy and effort and everything else into trying to
get her, and all the while she's long since moved on and sees you as a friend or a guy she's
"conquered" or is keeping on the back burner "just in case."
But what's encouraging is knowing that next time -- with all the other women you're going to meet in
your life -- you can do it right. Just like you're probably not going to get that job that you had a shot at
but didn't take the shot for and now it's gone, so it is with women you had a shot with but waited too
long to take that shot. But just as there are plenty more jobs out there you can do it right with next
time, so too are there plenty more women out there you can do it right with next time, too.
You've just got to make sure you seize the opportunity, and push for the close. That's what
separates the friends and the conquered and those waiting in the wings from the guys who end up
being girls' lovers and boyfriends and more.
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 26 March 2009
One big mistake I see a lot of men make when meeting new women is forgetting to allow for
some mystery a little intrigue. And a little bit goes a long way it fascinates women, gets
them thinking about you when youre not there, gets them frustrated in a good way! trying
to figure you out.
And as they try to figure you out, theyre all the while investing more and more time thinking
about you. And as we all know, the more invested in you a woman is, the more shell LIKE
you and the more shell stick by you and the more shell follow your lead.
Intrigue is an awesome, AWESOME way to get girls chasing you!
But hey, what do I mean, allow for some intrigue? Well, to put it in perspective, imagine this:
You meet a beautiful girl at your favorite coffees shop or bar. You end up in a conversation
with her. You ask her how old she is; she says, Old enough; how old are you? then no matter
how much you ask, she refuses to tell you. Then you ask her where shes from, and she tells
you, A little town far away, but Im here now, and I love it. Again, when you press for
details, she wont give you a clear answer.
She intrigues you. She ropes you into this exciting frustration of wanting to know yet having
absolutely no idea how to get the answer. And not only do you not know the answer to her
question, but you also dont know WHY she wont tell you, and thats the real fun in intrigue.
Is she hiding something? Scared to talk about her past? What could her reasoning be???
A girl has NO IDEA what your reason is for deferring to answer. She becomes more and more
intrigued, feeling more and more like you are this riddle, this puzzle she HAS to solve.
All human beings love mystery. Its why there are so many movies about outer space
ANYTHING could be out there, we reason. Its why the men in womens romance novels are
often mysterious, with foggy back stories and unknown origins they could come from
ANYWHERE, and thus have the ability to be ANYTHING that the woman desires.
You can become such a man a man of mystery, of unknown intentions and unknown origins.
And its relatively easy to do get her interested enough to ask you questions, then dodge
them with a non-answer that deflects the question by asking her something about herself or
changing the topic entirely.
Hey again, PGWell, you certainly don't want to be dodgy! Mysterious is more about offering a little, but
suggesting more. Like so:
Her: If you don't work, how do you afford to live and travel?
You: Well, I still have some passive income streams that let me get by. Investments, projects,
things like that.
You provide information, but don't go into great detail. Enough so that it sounds and feels like
an answer, without spilling all your beans.
If a girl presses you, you have the right to get annoyed. When people press me on things I don't
particularly care to go into (e.g., things that won't be productive for moving the interaction
forward), I shrug, look off to the side into the distance, and get aloof. That's how you
communicate to them that they're in the wrong.
But yeah, generally, don't be dodgy; be intriguing. You should make her want to know more,
rather than annoyed at the lack of an answer. Give her some, just not all.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Hey Taz,
Well, the thing about intrigue is, the moment it's gone, you lose power forever, yeah.
A lot of intrigue over the long term really has to deal with how you structure your life. Like,
part of the reason why I eventually decided that travel was essential for me over the long term
was that I didn't think there was a way to maintain intrigue in long term relationships without
being an international man of mystery.
You can run relationships without intrigue -- and many, many people do -- but they do
discernibly lack something, and whenever I meet women in long term relationships who are
dating men they've long since discontinued being intrigued by, there's a very palpable desire
that I can feel coming from them when I meet them and begin to wrap them up in the intrigue
that I've constructed around myself.
I think the best way around this if you have a relatively ordinary life is to still make sure she
finds out little hidden things about you every now and then, and that she discovers sides to you
she didn't know existed. It's especially important to be the strong, silent type over the longterm, so that she's gradually finding things out but only by doing the work herself.
The guys who just divulge everything up front eliminate intrigue fast, and with it a lot of the
mystery and excitement of their relationships.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Friday, 27 May 2011
This confused me a little at first when I was starting out. Back in 2005 and 2006, I'd get to
talking to a girl, and she'd be excited, and clearly was glad to be getting to know me. And then
I'd tease her a little, and she'd get even more excited. And then I'd tease her a little more, and
she'd still seem happy. And then I'd tease her a little more, and then -- well, then she'd start
going cold.
I'd panic. Crap, I'd better find a way to get her interest back again, I'd think to myself. Then,
Ah, I've got it! I'll just tease her some more!
And then, wouldn't you know it, she'd get really cold toward me, and she'd stay that way
for the rest of the time I'd know her.
At first, I reasoned I was teasing her too hard. So I scaled back my teasing. But the problem
nagged me for years. I'd challenge girls less, and then I'd have a harder time attracting them.
Then, I'd challenge them more again, and they'd just get pissed off.
It was maddening.
In 2007, a mentor of mine gave me a piece of advice that changed everything for me with
regards to teasing:
"I listen to you tease and flirt with girls, and it's good stuff, and funny stuff -- like really witty,
smart stuff," he told me. "But I almost feel like it's too much for most girls -- they're going to
feel like they aren't able to compete with you. And you tease girls competitively, when you
could be teasing them cooperatively. It's a small difference in how you word things -- but
the difference it makes in how women respond to you is huge."
At first, I wasn't quite sure what to make of that advice. How do you tease a girl cooperatively?
I wondered. I filed it away in the back of my head and figured maybe someday I'd come back
to it.
Well, nowadays, I tease women cooperatively almost exclusively. Almost all the humor I use
with women is about what she and I are going to be doing together, or what she's trying
to do with me, and I am a more-or-less willing participant. That's probably a little hard to
follow, but I'll explain it more; chase framing is one part of this that we've touched on before
here.
And, the times I tease women competitively verbally, I use vocal tonality that makes it
explicitly clear I'm just giving her a playful ribbing and that I'm actually warm and affectionate
toward her.
The end result when you use this style of humor is, instead of building attraction while pushing
women away, you build attraction and pull women in close to you.
Sound appealing? Let me show you how it's done.
2. Avoid commenting on sensitive topics. These include physical features, style and
fashion, intelligence, social skills, family, anything like that, in anything that might be
remotely construed as insulting about a girl herself. Instead, comment on people at
large -- and make sure you reassure the girl you don't mean her.
So, you wouldn't say to a girl:
"I love your hair... it looks like a bunch of small animals made their nest on your head.
Creative."
but you might say:
"I love how people dress in this city. Not you, you're fine -- you're fashionable and you
look good. But I'm not sure I get the whole leggings-meet-tutus thing they've got going
on here. Scary."
3. Keep it critique-free. Don't like how a girl does something? That's fine -- but don't
tease her about it. That's called passive-aggressiveness, and it stings. I did it plenty
when I was young and angry and had a bone to pick with the world. Stay away from it
and play nice -- nobody likes being told they suck.
Instead of saying:
"You're pretty awful at thinking logically, aren't you? Maybe you should stick to
emotions."
you might instead remark:
"Let me go see if I can find an intermediary to resolve this debate. No, I'm kidding, how
about we leave the ideological wars until Date #4? I'd rather get to know you than sit
here and tell you you're horrible because you like Bach and I'm a Beethoven guy."
Note that when you go this route, you always want to pick some very silly topic
rather than the one at hand to defuse the argument (e.g., maybe the two of you were
beginning to debate politics or religion, when you disarmed this by joking about her
liking Bach and you liking Beethoven... a harmless contrast, and one that can let you
switch back to lighter topics with ease).
4. Suggest instead of veto. This one is giant, not just for teasing, but for all forms of
deciding what you're going to do or where you're going to go. For the purpose of
teasing though, remember that you always want to suggest an alternative rather than
veto something outright with a flat negative.
You'd replace:
"Hey, you know what would be a really good idea? Not that one you just had."
with:
"Or we could just go play skee ball. Or maybe go back to your place and put on sexy
movies and... talk, or something."
This is a much better response to a girl suggesting something you don't like the sound
of. So, if she suggests you go hit some club and you don't feel like managing a party
date, you can tease her this way instead.
5. Be absurd in place of mildly against. This one's kind of fun, but basically, whenever
you might otherwise suggest you don't like something, instead go over the top and let
her know you really don't like something. This takes the edge off your not liking it and
changes it from something awkward to something amusing. Like so:
"What kind of music do you like? I hope it's not Britney Spears."
becomes:
"What kind of music do you like? If it's Britney Spears, I'm jumping out the window
and landing on a samurai sword."
~~~~~~~~~~
When you're teasing a girl the right way, you'll know it. She'll be smiling, laughing, enjoying
herself, and getting warmer and warmer and closer and closer to you. Her attraction tells you
your teasing is good -- and her closeness tells you she's feeling cooperated with, not
competed against.
Bring women close to you and attracted with your teasing, and it becomes an extraordinarily
powerful tool in your arsenal.
A pair of other notes to point out about that reader's conversation with the girl at the start of
this article -- at one point, he says, "IM hungry. Make me some soup," which, as it turns out, is
asking for too much investment at this point in the interaction. But that's for another post! It's
also a bit choppy in flow, but again -- we'll have to get to that another time ;)
For now, happy teasing, and here's to a great upcoming weekend.
Chase Amante
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
In "20 Ways to Talk to Women and Make It AMAZING", Flames requested an article on
rapport - specifically, one on making it, and breaking it. Here's that part of his comment:
Oh and if we could have something on rapport, both making and breaking. I've had
a few girls break rapport recently and it left me thinking wtf? :)
Regards
Flames
Breaking rapport is a classic pickup technique for controlling the flow and direction of
conversations. It's used as a sort of a "forced redirect" when things start traveling down a
conversational road you don't want them to go down.
However, one of the ways it's traditionally been taught is to be used not purely as a redirect, but
as a punishment for women who are being aloof, uncooperative, or trying to move things
backwards.
There are more ways to use this, though, that both enhance the fun and energy of your
conversations - and quickly get women qualifying themselves to you.
The focus in this article is mainly going to be on breaking rapport yourself - though if you're
paying attention, most of the extinction examples we use later are really about dealing with
women who break rapport with you, first - so we'll cover both sides of the coin about Flames's
question about the subject in this one.
Let's see what they are.
*shivers*
Okay, let's talk why these are bad. If you have some sense of social intuition, you probably felt
it - each of these is cringe worthy for various reasons.
If you're a social beginner and steeped in normal PUA tradition, you'll see examples like these
used relentlessly by other beginners and think they are the way to go - they look close enough
to what more advanced guys are doing, after all.
But there's actually a number of big differences between these "punishments" and what a
guy with a firm handle on breaking rapport will do.
Here's what they are:
1. He does not punish by complimenting her. Review the examples above; girl
behaves bad, and guy responds by... complimenting her. Don't think so?
a. In the first example he tells her men are desperate for her approval
b. In the second example, he implies he was weighing her for a relationship
c. In the third, he calls her "adorable" and implies lots of men chase her
Each of the above examples contains emotional validation for the woman - she
removes validation from the man, and he gives validation to her. This is the very
definition of chasing women.
2. He does not punish by giving more attention. Bad behavior is not countered by
continuing to give women attention - all this is is leaning in while they lean away.
Again, chasing.
3. He does not punish by calling her pet names. Calling a girl "bad girl", "naughty
girl", "troublemaker", "cute", "adorable", "sweetheart", or anything else like that is not a
punishment - it's flirtation. And if you're flirting with her while she's insulting you or
being difficult - yep... chasing again.
If you've been breaking rapport like this, it's time to quit doing it... because you're only
shooting yourself in the foot with girls. When you break rapport this way, you get viewed as
the "cute" one - the one who's just trying so hard and is so adorable in his persistence... that
maybe she should be nice and admit him to the friend zone.
I see newer guys do this all the time, and they either get women who are disgusted with them
("Ugh, seriously?!") or women who are playing with them like cats and mice, flirting
harmlessly with them and leading them right into just friends territory.
There are far more effective ways to use rapport breaking than this. But before we talk
about them, you need to understand what it is we're trying to do, exactly, when we break
rapport.
Your average nice guy goes into conversation with a woman not daring to break rapport. His
every conversational effort is to build rapport at all costs... even if that means looking fearful to
challenge her, or in desperate need of her approval - which, often, he does.
The proportion of a conversation you devote to building rapport vs. breaking rapport is going to
differ based on the girl, the situation, and what point you're at in talking to her - obviously,
you'll be breaking a lot more when you're in the middle of playful banter than you will in the
midst of pulling her home.
But you'll never be at 100% rapport building, even with the most submissive, delicate of
women - even with them, you'll want to break a little rapport... even if you must take care to do
so gently.
The beginner cares what the girl is thinking: he breaks rapport because he thinks it
will up her attraction for him and further the interaction - and he also breaks it the
wrong ways and for the wrong reasons, because he's trying to use it as a tool to make
her like him more
The veteran cares about whether things are moving forward or not: he doesn't care
about making her like him more - he's an attractive guy; he KNOWS she likes him, and
anyway, whether she likes him or not is irrelevant - whether she'll invest in him and
move through the interaction with him and set up a date or go home with him later is
what matters
Because of these differences in mindset and different objectives for their rapport breaks, the
beginner and the veteran naturally use them differently.
The beginner tries to make women like him by breaking rapport.
The veteran works to interrupt unhelpful conversation or thought patterns a girl is in, and
redirect her back on the path through seduction.
What we want to do when we break rapport is the latter, rather than the former.
Here, all rapport is really doing is recognizing how she actually feels about the communication
she's giving you and feeding it back to her.
You can tell she's bored by the conversation she's in with you and the questions she's asking
you. So ask her if you really have to do this whole boring-questions thing, and her reaction is
laughter, a pattern interrupt... and relief. She didn't want to talk about those things anyway;
now the two of you can discuss something far more... interesting.
How about our second example?
You: What do you do for fun?
Her: Mostly just chat with my friends on Snapchat or Instagram.
You: So in other words, you're a total gossip girl.
Her: [laughs] Yeah, I guess!
In this case, rather than try to build rapport on a rather inane, impersonal topic (nice guy: "Oh
yeah, I use Snapchat all the time... it's so much fun!"), we poke a little fun at her for - you
guessed it - being boring.
"Yep - you're just another boring gossip girl" --> that's the communication here. Now, it's said
in a clearly warmly teasing tone of voice, and you'll be smiling at her as you say it, so she
knows you're just joshing - but here, rather than stroking her ego for being boring and ordinary
- which is what almost every man she meets does - you poke a little fun at her for being boring
and ordinary.
You will not do this if she is actively trying to impress you. That's the difference. If she tells
you she models, and you can tell she's really trying to build up her value and impress you,
you're not going to rapport break nearly as hard (or at all, depending on how she conveys it) instead, you might do something like this:
You: Do anything artistic?
Her: Actually yes - I model!
You: Ah, very cool. Print or runway?
Her: Mostly just photo shoots. I'm nothing special yet.
You: Everybody starts somewhere!
Because she was qualifying herself to you here - she was working to answer your question and
build rapport - you reward her by showing interest and amplifying the thread, rather than
breaking rapport and teasing her, as you would if she said something clearly low effort in a bid
to dodge the qualification, as with the Snapchat girl, or if she was doing something she herself
clearly felt was boring and half-assed.
Be mindful of her effort and energy levels. If she's nervous or excited or working hard to
connect with you, do not break rapport.
If, however, she's bored, dismissive about answering your questions, or otherwise uninterested
in impressing you - rapport-break away (with light teases - we're not insulting anybody here;
see "Teasing a Girl the Right Way" if you need more clarification).
You: Actually, I've got to run to the bathroom real quick. But if you'll watch my drink for a
minute, I'll hold that for you for a minute when I get back - no roofies...
Here, you break rapport by not directly responding to the request, and instead answering with
your own request. However, you tie it back into the original request, and do so in a socially
graceful way that doesn't leave the girl feeling rejected or insulted.
Another example:
Her: Hold this for me?
You: Can't; my hands are busy [show her your hands in your pockets, or holding food / drinks,
etc. - then laugh]
Her: You're a dick! [laughing]
You: That guy might be a better bet. He looks like a really nice, considerate person.
Her: [laughing] Will you hold this, pleeassee?
You: You can leave it here next to me. No promises that it or I will be here when you get back,
though.
Her: [mock frustration] I'll just take it with me. But I am coming back!
You: I look forward to it!
Here, you break rapport not by teasing her, but by rejecting her request in a humorous way.
Also, unlike the bad example response earlier ("Bad girl. I'll bet that works great with the nice
guys who are desperate for your approval"), he doesn't avoid giving her an answer - he tells her
"Can't" right away, then continues to humorously refuse to take responsibility for the item. In
that bad example from the start of the post, the man seems to stall out of fear of saying "No" and the girl senses this, and knows she has him.
The punishment here is simply denying her a level of investment she hasn't earned from
you yet (for whatever reason; maybe the two of you don't know each other well enough, or
maybe she's asking you to watch something for her while she goes off and has fun or flirts
without you - something you pretty much can't ever agree to if you want to be seen as a sexual
man in any way).
The communication is, "I like you... but not that much."
Remember: charming skeptic. If it doesn't move things forward (and especially if it moves
things backwards), don't do it.
Rapport, Broken
Most jokes are rapport breaking - chase frames, sexual frames, and the like, all break rapport
and serve as pattern interrupts. If you recall from "Spell Broken: Big Mistakes That Shred
Conversation", you'll be using rapport breaking periodically throughout your deep diving as
well, to prevent your conversations getting too top heavy with emotion, then crashing.
Not so much that you're unable to connect with her... but just enough that you retain control of
the level of emotion she's experiencing, and it doesn't start feeling like a psychotherapy session.
Breaking rapport thus has all kinds of uses, done right - at the core, it:
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
We've had a handful of commenters write in recently to ask about how to be vulnerable, as
well as how to more fully embody Byronic traits, like those mentioned in the articles on
answering "Do you have a girlfriend?" and on being a challenge to women. How do you, as
a man, be vulnerable, in a way that is both appealing yet not overly sappy or saccharine?
One of these comments from a reader reads as such:
I have several girls interested in me primarily because of my flaws, and they have
told me to my face that I am imperfectly perfect. I am interested in this Byronic
concept. Do you try to adapt byronic traits? And can you do a post on them?
The flawed, vulnerable, Byronic romantic hero - he lines the pages of romance novels, and dots
the dreams of women's hearts. But who is he, and how do you become this imperfect man that
women so love to fantasize about?
The truth is, we are all of us imperfect, and that gives us an edge. The problem is, most men
spend too much time either trying to cover up their flaws entirely, or indulge in them so
much that they refuse to improve.
Like always, I will advise you to take the middle path, that lies at neither extreme, but the
crossroads of both. Let's have a look at how you can do that.
Though the research on women's attraction toward Byronic types is quoted in the article on
being a challenge cited earlier, I'll add it in again here so you don't need to go dashing between
articles just to keep up with things. Here it is:
Bogg's and Ray's research on "The Heterosexual Appeal of Socially Marginal Men" again:
mates. A common perception is that many of these same women often select consorts
who are inscrutable, assertive, and controlling, ultimately bemoaning their choices.
Dominance has been experimentally shown to provide initial attraction advantages.
The Byronic Hero, a venerable literary model, embraces protagonists who possess
extraordinary masculine traits that include dominance but also multiple personal
flaws. Byronic Heroes, easily identified and plentiful in popular fiction, appear
strongly to resonate with youthful audiences and provide alluring portrayals of
heterosexual relations. In a classroom survey employing slide images of paired
apparel models and a blind date scenario, collegiate women slightly but
significantly preferred models independently judged to project Byronic
traits over equally handsome men who appeared affable and
conventional. Subject comments on Byronic models uniquely included allusions to
sexual and mysterious/rebellious attributes. It was concluded that projections
of Byronic masculinity provide initial advantages in the securing of
heterosexual liaisons.
So - sitting in a classroom, not having met the men in question, only looking at images of them,
women rated the flawed, vulnerable, bad boys with Byronic traits as more attractive than the
totally normal, unflawed men of equivalent levels of handsomeness.
Why?
To better understand this phenomenon, I'll cite another piece of research here, this one entitled
"The Byronic Hero, Theatricality and Leadership," by Gabriele Poole:
Starting off with Annabella Milbanke's description of Byron after their first
meeting, this essay explores the way in which Byron's persona, as displayed in
Let's boil this down and see what researchers have to teach us about what Lord Byron has to
teach us about how to be vulnerable in a way that is both transfixing and alluring. The
takeaways are:
Women are more attracted to men who are flawed in specific ways (we'll explore more
what these ways are below)
The Byronic hero wears a series of masks that must be taken away, revealing more and
more of his character as this is done
These masks are usually relatively easy to strip away, though sometimes are made more
difficult by the very flaws of the hero
The interesting thing is that this is a rather natural phenomenon you'll see in a lot of men. Far
before they ever know anything about this logically, many more socially calibrated men begin
to "layer" themselves with different levels of identity and vulnerability that women can then
strip away, like a kind of Russian nested matryoshka doll... only, one that gets more and
more captivating and amazing and personal every time another layer is removed, rather
than simply smaller.
The second reaction is that of the man whose mental model is one wanting to do things the
way he wants to do them and not wanting to need to accommodate anyone else, and expecting
everyone else to see things like he sees them. When he says, "Why can't women do this?" what
he's actually saying is, "Why can't women think like men, instead of like women? Geez!"
What that man is failing to take into account, of course, is that what men want out of
partners and relationships, and what women want out of partners and relationship, are in
fact rather different.
And because what they want is different, the way they go about looking for it is different, too.
Women, by nature, are probers. They're pokers. They like to stick curious eyes and
investigative fingers into places others would rather they didn't; they test men ceaselessly,
checking to see if a guy's still strong NOW... and how about now... and, what about now?
They object to things, hoping those objections will be overcome, disappointed when they
aren't. They protest about things they don't really care about, just to see what your reaction will
be or get attention. They play games because they like to play games, because they're good at
them, and because the men who beat them at their own games excite them and arouse them and
energize them.
Women like complicated situations and they like complicated men. They like peeling back
layers. They like feeling like they're getting to the bottom of some great mystery that no other
woman has fully gotten to the bottom of yet.
It's a driving force behind why they like:
Gossip
Drama
Soap operas
Testing/teasing
Flirting (to see how men react)
... and it's a driving force behind why they like bad boys, those quintessential flawed, Byronic
heroes who know how to be vulnerable without being weak.
Why aren't women as interested in nice guys, in handsome guys without flaws, and in those
guys who'd rather women were more like men than wishing for those men who are what
women want?
Simple - these men just aren't as interesting.
They're boring!
And there's nothing quite like boredom to still any stirrings in a woman's bosom or loins.
Put another way (the way we talked about in the "being a challenge" article), most men are
either too available and no challenge (nice guys, boring guys), or they're too perfect and
unattainable (handsome, desirable men who are flawless and "unreal").
In addition to boredom and lack of challenge at the one end of the spectrum though, I strongly
suspect there is something else at play at the other...
But, as a man, you're likely to disregard this feeling in the back of your head. The desire to
reproduce is stronger; something might be wrong here, but you can always just get out later if it
turns out she's crazier than a bag full of fruit bats.
Not so for women.
Women approach dating far more cautiously than men do. Their alarm bells ring all the louder,
and they pay all the more attention to them.
And when you come across too good to be true to women, they tend to pay close attention.
They proceed cautiously... untrustingly. Something's wrong with this man, they think, but he
won't show me what it is. Instead, he just keeps acting perfect.
Never let her find out what that is, and she'll never feel comfortable opening up to you and
trusting you.
She'll never lower her guard around you and put down her walls.
She may never let things proceed, even if you seem outwardly like the catch of the century.
That is, of course, until you let her begin to remove your masks.
Then, the game changes.
Whether you're too nice (and a little too boring) or too perfect (and a little too suspicious),
you'll benefit from learning how to be vulnerable and making yourself into a more Byronic
kind of man.
In so doing, you will come to embody many of the key traits and qualities of the heroes of just
about every romance book, film, or TV show ever made. You will become the man women
dream about.
Chances are, you already have these traits and qualities, in fact... you just don't know the right
way to present them yet.
And that's the key - the presentation. Presentation is the difference between an ordinary
magician and a great one - the ordinary one knows all the tricks, but the great one is a
showman, in addition to knowing the technical aspects of the magic he performs.
Put on a good show, and people will admire you wherever you stand.
Arrogant
Cunning and able to adapt
Cynical
Disrespectful of rank and privilege
Emotionally conflicted, bipolar, or moody
Having a distaste for social institutions and norms
Having a troubled past or suffering from an unnamed crime
Intelligent and perceptive
Jaded, world-weary
Mysterious, magnetic and charismatic
Rebellious
Seductive and sexually attractive
Note that normally no one Byronic hero has all of these - a handful of them is all it typically
takes, but a mixture of the good and the bad is normally what makes him up.
Many of these are traits already established in scientific literature to boost attraction in women
(arrogance, emotional extremes, breaking social norms, intelligence, and intrigue are a few; and
obviously we don't need to say that sexually attractive has proven sexually attractive), whereas
others are traits that, mixed in with the positive traits, give a woman an opportunity to
"save" a man.
We discussed the other side of this coin - men falling prey to Superman Syndrome and riding
in to rescue damsels in distress - in the article on white knights; but the reverse is just as true.
Women often want to save a man, because:
Saving someone makes you feel special - like you are the only person who's been able
to reach this other individual at this level of emotional impact
Saving someone makes you feel secure - surely, he or she will not leave when he or she
owes you such a great debt of gratitude!
Saving someone makes you feel like a noble person - you're a hero, someone who's
come to the rescue, pulling this other individual out of the fire
Saving someone makes you feel powerful - you have the ability to bring good into the
world, and into other people's lives
If she can just show him the light, she knows, or help him through his issues, she will have
made this imperfect man into a perfect one - and he'll be all hers. She'll be the envy of every
woman in town.
Of course, it doesn't actually play out like this in real life - most people in need of saving can
never successfully or permanently be saved (rather, they remain always in a state of perpetually
being in need of rescuing, and always find their way back to that, no matter how many times
they're saved), and the people who do get saved soon forget the person who saved them and
move on with their lives, seeking to partner with someone who is more their equal now, rather
than this person who was their equal when they were not so perfect.
But no one thinks that way. Instead, they just keep on saving.
yourself when first asked; keep some back. Girls don't do it with you; and you should
not do it with them. It kills intrigue and makes a man boring - leave some things to the
imagination. This is a part of why deep diving and being a conversationalist revolve
around getting girls talking - instead of you talking.
2. Reveal yourself in layers. As you begin to dive deep and get to know a girl in
conversation, she'll begin seeking to find out more about you and probe and learn too.
As she does so, you want to start with revealing only the more superficial levels of
your motives, while hinting at deeper ones. Too abstract? Here are some examples:
A girl you're talking to asks you why you moved to town, and you say, "In
search of a new adventure," or, "My old town was great, but after 4 years there I
felt like I'd done and seen and experienced everything there was to offer. I need
something more."
A woman you've just met asks you why you chose the profession you have.
"Well, everyone needs a calling - something they can use to impact the world;"
you say, "this one's mine," or, "It wasn't my first choice, but it was the best
choice available to me to get to where I needed to get to."
What do each of these do? They inspire the girl to dig deeper. She's peeled off the
first mask - your polite social mask, of "this is what I am and this is what I do." She's
discovered the next mask underneath - that you in fact are driven by something other
than chance or fate.
In the town example, you're an adventurer; but what drives that, and what kinds of
adventures? Or, you'd done it all; but what more are you looking for now, and when
will you know you've found it?
In the profession example, you've found your calling; but what kind of impact are you
trying to make? Or, you took a practical choice to get you where you want to go; but
where was that, and what would you have chosen instead?
3. Show some of your "damaged" side... but only if it's unexpected. You might
talk about getting arrested, or getting in fights, or getting shot at or stabbed. You might
talk about a scuba diving accident where you nearly drowned, or the time climbing a
mountain you nearly went over the cliff. You might talk about how you were a loner for
a long time, and never had friends. But whatever it is, it should be mentioned only
briefly in passing, and it should come as something of a shock.
Don't talk about how you used to be a loner, obviously, if you still seem like a loner; do
it when you're clearly the most social guy in the room. And don't talk about your jail
time or fist fights if you seem like a tough guy or hood; do it when you seem clean cut
and refined. Don't talk about your adventuring among a group of adventurers; do it
among reserved polite society.
You need to pick what's "damaged" based on the particular society. Women are
enamored with Byronic heroes in romantic tales because these heroes have unexpected
"damaged" histories that are thrilling and exotic to the woman. If a girl's been in and out
of jail herself, she won't be too impressed about your night in the drunk tank. But if
she's been surrounded by people who'd never dream of breaking the law all her life,
when she stumbles across this fact about you she'll have just peeled back another
mask.
Also, obviously, the same rules apply here as everywhere else in conversation; don't
launch into an overlong story simply because you think it'll be great for showing how
vulnerable you are. Instead, just mention it, in intriguing fashion, and give her the
opportunity to ask more, dig, and probe if she's interested.
4. Be the holder of forbidden knowledge. The easiest way to get someone to push a
button is to put a big, fat "DO NOT PUSH" sign next to the button, with no explanation
whatsoever why not to push it. If a girl asks you about something and your response is
along the lines of, "Well... we all have our little secrets," or, "It's not that important,"
you will drive her mad with curiosity trying to uncover what these hidden truths from
you are.
Being highly perceptive and using cold reading and accurately guessing or intuiting
things about her can push this agenda too. She'll wonder how you knew that, and
assume there's a lot more you must know, too.
That last one's optional, but the first three are more or less the order of the day for the Byronic
hero. They are the essential elements in the cookbook; to learn how to be vulnerable, you must
learn and use these.
A Vulnerable Man
Vulnerability does not mean, "I cry when I think about starving children in impoverished
nations." Nor does it mean, "I spend all my time trying to save the world!"
Oftentimes, all it means for the Byronic man is, "I WISH I could save everyone... but I am only
one man, and I cannot."
There's a mixture of idealism tempered by realism. The Byronic man is the one who began
life as an idealist, but through the chain of his life has become, by necessity, a realist. And
that's another thing women love about him - his broken dreams of grandeur, likely never to be
fully realized, because he is honest that the world is a hard, difficult, dirty place.
He bucked society. He tried to bring his dreams to fruition. He worked, he struggled, he
strived. But, like all men who struggle valiantly, at some point he came upon the firm hand of
reality, and was checked and slowed down and forced not to dream as big.
He's not like the childish, unrealistic dreamer who thinks anything is possible and there are no
limits. And he's not like the cold, forsaken pessimist who believes life is a pointless spinning of
the top that goes on only until the top stops spinning and we pass into oblivion.
Rather, he's the dreamer who dared to dream big once, but life has tempered his grand
ambitions.
Yet still, somewhere back in the dusty recesses of his mind, he dreams.
And that is what women want to be a part of.
Chase Amante
The best thing I can say about that is that you need to have a bottom "layer" (you at your
absolute core) that is beyond analysis and understanding... that people could spend a lifetime
trying to figure out and still not be able to predict what you'll do.
The biographies of Steve Jobs and Tupac Shakur are like that. Here are these driven, dynamic,
crazy ambitious guys, whom you can't plan around or predict. They do things unexpectedly,
and the things they do are unexpected because nobody can completely get inside their heads.
Women will try to figure you out. If they ever do, the interest is gone.
I don't know how to teach it just yet, but the only thing I can say about the lowest level is "be
complex."
In fact, start off seeming simple on the surface, and just get more and more complex as she digs
down. Make your core something she can dig into forever and never reach the bottom of. But
to do that, you must have something driving you and motivating your actions that is of great
importance to you... without that, you're easy to figure out: like most people, you just want
comfort and happiness. To stay complex, you need to be something more than most people.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
In "How to Talk About Yourself on Dates," a commenter named Al asked about an article on
frame control - examples and advanced/detailed technique:
One future article I would love to see is a more advanced and detailed article on
frame control. I have read a forum thread by you on advanced frame control which
was beneficial and your frame control article on here but I feel I need more real life
examples of adroit frame control to be able to master it myself.
To put it in to context this last month I have just been focused on reading
conversation articles on here as this has been my little "month of conversation"
(convenient you slip this article in before the end of the month!) and I found the most
valuable article of yours was the annotated example of a conversation you would
have. Personally, i find learning by imitating helps initially for all game-related
things before i stamp my own persona on how these are used so such an article
would be fantastic.
Thanks again,
Al
Frame control's a neat topic, and an important one - persuasion and communication is a central
point of human existence, and if you want to stay in control and have things go your way,
you've got to be good at it - not just at winning debates, but at getting people to see things your
way.
That's what frame control really is - it's painting the picture in a way that not only speaks to
you, but to everyone who's looking at it... your "opponent" included.
Here, we'll be taking a deeper look at frame control than we have before, and it's a look chock
full of examples to get you thinking about things in the most intuitive way possible.
In his comment above, Al referenced two pages on this site that discuss frame control:
"Get Rock-Solid Frame Control with the Women You Like Guaranteed," the late2011 primer on frame control, and
"Advanced Frame Control with Charismatic People," a mid-2012 post to the old
Girls Chase Forum (now on the new one, too; follow the link) on a few snippets of
frame control you'll see used against you on occasion by very socially savvy and rather
cunning individuals
Both of these articles discuss nuances and specifics of frame control, but, particularly in
reviewing the 2011 piece, it doesn't seem like I made frame control quite as easy to wrap one's
head around as I perhaps could have.
With that note, let's see if we can revisit the topic from a new angle, and shed a little more light
on a potent but murky area of the social and seductive arts.
If you recall what we discussed in "How to Be a Dominant Man: What You Didn't Know
About the 'Winner Effect'," among male mice coming out of rigged fights then pitted against
each other, the winners of the fight weren't the biggest mice, nor the most experienced
fighters - they were the ones with the highest testosterone levels and the most momentum
from immediately previous wins.
The winners were the ones who'd just got done winning. The losers were the ones who'd
already been losing.
I've seen this in real life plenty of times. I've watched skinny guys who sucked at fighting back
down much bigger guys with far more combat training simply because the skinny guys were
coming from stronger frames. It's a little mind-boggling the first time you see it - you KNOW
that big guy could probably tear the other guy to shreds in a fight, but he submits to him
anyway. What happened? The skinny guys (in these cases) had stronger raw frames than the
bigger guys did. If you can't understand, just imagine being a really big guy, who encounters a
really small guy who's unafraid of him. What's this guy know that you don't? Does he have
powerful friends? A bunch of other people just around the corner waiting for you to snap?
What's he got up his sleeve?
The stronger frame wins because the other person assumes you must know something he
or she does not. If you're this confident that you're going to win, maybe you have some way I
don't know. If you're this confident she's going to love going home with you, maybe you have a
way with women she hasn't seen yet.
Strong frames come from more than just the testosterone of the person holding the frame,
however. Let's set the importance of testosterone itself aside for a moment, and look at the
thought and behavioral differences between someone who's been winning, and someone who
hasn't. What's different?
The main differences are these:
1. Scanning for ways to win: when you've been winning, you start instinctually
scanning for opportunities and figuring out how you'll win this next encounter, and this
happens automatically. When you haven't been winning, and aren't expecting to win, it's
next to impossible to get yourself to do this.
2. Tracking the bigger picture: when you've been winning, you aren't just thinking
about the frame battle - you're thinking about the environment, who's watching, what
the effects of this social maneuvering will be, how the outcome influences what comes
next, etc. When you haven't been winning, your focus is almost certainly going to be
ENTIRELY on this encounter - and all the nervousness and psyching-yourself-out that
goes along with it. When you're used to winning, you start to know things this
person does not know... and you know the other person doesn't know what you know,
which makes you even more confident.
3. Thinking clearly: when you're coming in confident of success - or at least not
worried about a possible loss having much of an impact - you tend to think a lot more
clearly than the person on the other side who's coming in fraught with concerns,
worries, or doubt - and prone to panicking, making mistakes, and tripping over his own
two feet, or even just not really knowing where she's trying to take this encounter.
One thing that each of these has in common is that you can boil each down to viewing the
frame battle from a broader point of view.
Back to the example of the confrontation between two big men, while the one guy is only
focused on just this guy in front of him, and on dealing with the rushing, pounding, cascading
avalanche of emotions crashing down upon him, the other guy is calm and relaxed as he
examines not only the battle immediately before him, but how to win that battle, how other
people around will react based on if he does one thing rather than another, what the ripple
effects will be, what he'll do after the first few punches are thrown, and more.
So what ends up going through their minds?
The more confident man is thinking, "Okay, I think I've got this. I'm going to do X, he's going
to do Y, and then I'll come back with Z and AB."
The less confident man is thinking, "Oh crap, am I sure I can take this guy? What kind of tricks
does he have up his sleeve?"
Beset with uncertainty and doubt and feeling unprepared for the battle ahead, the less confident
man bows out. Why? Because the more confident man had a wider angle.
Another example: you're talking to a girl, and the following conversation transpires:
You: What say we grab lunch sometime?
Her: Okay... but only if we're going as friends.
How do you respond?
Well, that depends on the width of your angle.
Her angle is almost certainly something like, "I like this guy enough to let him provide value to
me as just a friend, but not so much I want to actually, you know, date him."
If you're thinking, "Oh no, OMG, I've GOT to have this GIRL!" then you're going to
respond with:
You: What say we grab lunch sometime?
Her: Okay... but only if we're going as friends.
You: Uh.. okay. Great, so... lunch it is then!
Then you end up relegated to the friend zone, banished there by the loss of frame control here
to this girl, who, in this case, had the wider angle - while you were worried about "Dear God, I
NEED her!" she was worried about that she valued your contributions, though probably not
enough to date you.
On the other hand, if you're thinking, "This girl's cute, but I'm super busy and don't have time
for platonic female friends. Way too many important things to do in the world - can't waste
time," then you're going to respond with:
You: Would you do me the honor of grabbing lunch with me?
Her: Okay... but only if we're going as friends.
You: Well, I can't promise you that, but I will promise you you'll have a good time.
... and chances are she laughs and says, "Okay."
Why does she say okay? Because she valued you enough to want to spend time on you anyway,
and you saying, "The only way we spend time together is if it's understood we may be a
romantic item," in a cool, savvy way is attractive, and forces her to decide then and there
between two options:
1. Enjoy your value and company, but as a potential lover, or
2. Don't enjoy your value and company at all
Assuming you're not completely off-putting, more often than not this one goes your way.
Why? Because you had the wider angle view.
The line that really makes that routine so hilarious is when Rock counsels men to not even
bother arguing with women for this reason:
It's impossible, you will not win. 'Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to
arguing 'cause we have a need to make sense.
What he's really talking about here is frame control: women are better at it.
In fact, almost that entire bit by Rock is about women beating men over the head with superior
frame control. Women are so good at this because women have a larger portion of their brains
devoted to socialization, and they socialize earlier and much more often than men do - they're
simply better at all things social and political and nuanced than most men are.
And the core reason most men suck at winning frame battles?
Not that they have a need to make sense. Rather, it's that they don't understand what they're
really about.
Because of that, they're not able to properly address the real issue... so they lose.
In other words, the woman has a wider angle view than they do.
Women realize that it isn't the logic that's most important when it comes to frame control... it's
the emotions.
Emotions control far more of you than logic does. If you want to win with people, you must
address their emotions first, their logic second.
While men stand jaws agape, unable to respond at the illogical response volleyed at them by a
female argument partner, women pound their point home, gain concessions from their confused
prey, and then slink off happy as can be.
Because frame control isn't necessarily always about winning, either.
Sometimes it's just about confusing the other party enough that you can get what you want.
Winning frame battles is about outstanding "frame control," although I don't really even like
this term all that much myself. I prefer to think of it as just knowing what you want and what
you will and won't tolerate, and going from there.
But, for the sake of putting a label on it so you know what we're talking about, "frame control"
will suffice, I suppose.
How do you learn frame control? How do you get good at it? And how do you know how to
respond to novel situations?
It all comes back to that wide angle view of things, and knowing where your limits are.
I've further broken frame control down into four (4) separate tiers, from highest (most
unassailable frame control) to lowest (basic frame control):
1.
2.
3.
4.
In the case of insults, you need to know that you aren't what you're being insulted as being (i.e.,
someone calls you stupid and ugly, and you've got to know you're not stupid and ugly); in the
case of women, you need to know that you're probably the best thing that's ever going to
happen to a girl if you really want to kill it with frame control.
I'll write that latter point out a second time for emphasis:
When it comes to women, you've GOT to know you're probably the BEST thing that's ever
happened to them if you want the most outstanding frame control you can get with them.
Why's that so? Because when a girl's protesting, or her friends are, or she's throwing up reasons
why she can't be together with you, you've got to, got to, GOT TO KNOW that those reasons
are trash and she's about to miss out on the best goddamn thing that's ever happened to her
(YOU).
Until you know that and believe it in your bones, you will always struggle with frame control.
And how do you get to the point where you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that you're
unquestionably the best thing that could happen to a woman?
You must work on yourself to the point where you bring tremendously more value to her life whether in a one-night stand or a long-term relationship - than any other man likely can or
will.
You must get feedback from women, too - think of it as accumulating credentials. Just like
Mike Tyson knows he's the best boxer once he's beaten every other contender, and his frame
control there is unshakeable, and Donald Trump knows he's the best real estate magnate once
he's pulled off one coup after another, and his frame control there is indomitable, once you're
picking up gorgeous, amazing women and giving them the times of their lives and giving
them relationships unlike any they've had before or any they'll have after and changing
and improving and bettering their lives in nearly every way, your frame of reference
becomes naturally unassailable.
That takes time, of course (I didn't get there myself until I was maybe four years into
approaching and seducing women). And there are no shortcuts aside from turning yourself into
a man who provides crazy amounts of value to every woman you encounter:
Knowing you're right... for the uppermost tier of unshakeable frame control, you need this.
Once you arrive there, frame control becomes automatic, and you are beyond reproach (for the
most part).
Then conversations like this happen:
You: Come sit with me and let's talk.
Her: I can't... I have to go rejoin my friends.
You: Your friends can wait. I can't wait. Let's sit now and you can join them again in a few
minutes.
Her: But I don't know you!
You: That's why you're coming to sit with me. [take her arm and lead]
... and all are said by you in a smooth, commanding, powerful tone dripping with sensuality
and complete confidence, and it works well (try doing that with a hint of hesitation or
insincerity, though, and it doesn't work at all).
When you come across attractive already, and you know that her missing out on you means her
missing out on the most amazing man she's ever met, your actions exude this belief - and she
picks up on that. It's intriguing at worst to her, and exhilarating at best.
Who wins here? The person who knows the best path that provides the greatest amount of
satisfaction to all parties involved.
If you aren't certain that's you, then it'll probably be the friends - if there are two of them,
pulling her away from you to go shopping with them means:
Which is better than her staying with you when you and her don't know what you're doing,
resulting in slightly higher satisfaction for both of you, but lower satisfaction for both of them.
If, however, you KNOW the best path to take - one that minimizes dissatisfaction for
everybody, and maximizes satisfaction where applicable - you usually get your way. You
frame control the situation to go how you want it to go.
That looks like this:
Friend: Amyyyy! Come on, we're going to Zara!
You: Tell them you've just met the most amazing man of your life and you want to grab a
coffee with him so you don't miss out on it and end up regretting it forever.
Her: [laughs] ... Go without me, guys - I'm going to grab a coffee with Mel. I'll catch up with
you later.
You: Make sure they know I'm the most amazing man you've ever met.
Her: [laughs] He's the most amazing man I've ever met!
Friend: Okay! We'll see you later!
You: Good work. Let's go.
Then you'll take her to go get some coffee, and get to know her better and set up a date and
grab her phone number, or you'll tell her to text her friends that she's being taken on a
whirlwind romance and is leaving to go on an adventure with her new lover, and then you'll
take her home and take her to bed.
Because of how this is framed, you've just maximized everyone's satisfaction. The friends
are laughing because Amy found some guy she obviously likes and who's obviously a lot of
fun (he made her tell them he's the most amazing guy of her life, after all); Amy's having a
great time, because she wanted to stay with you anyway, and now you've shown her a socially
exciting way to pull that off while bringing enjoyment to her friends; and you, of course, are far
happier than you would've been had she left.
By viewing the situation with a wide angle perspective, you're able to see what's likely to work
out best for everyone involved and make interesting things happen.
Taking a girl home when she needs to get up early for work or school tomorrow works like
this, too (so long as you're mindful of her schedule and you're not trying to take her home too
late - plan the date earlier, and pull earlier, to avoid real time crunches):
You: Let's head back and I'll show you that home movie I was talking about.
Her: I have to get up early tomorrow. Can we do it next time?
You: That's impossible. If we do it tonight, you'll enjoy it a lot more, because women like
things that are spontaneous. Plus, you have to get up at 8 tomorrow morning, and it's 9:30 PM
right now. You'll be on your way home no later than 11, which means you've still got an hour
to lounge around your apartment in your underwear before going to bed to get your 8 hours of
sleep.
Her: Oh my God...!
You: Come on.
Again, you're viewing things with a wider angle here - she's afraid about not getting enough
sleep (and also about whether she's ready to go home with you so soon), but you've accounted
for the logical objection, and you've accounted for the emotional one (your response is a mix of
confidence and humor, plus the droll bit about how "women like things that are spontaneous" is
true and, delivered properly, will change her thought pattern).
Because you know a better path than she does, that maximizes her and your satisfaction
more (i.e., she'll still get everything she wants - a full night's sleep without being rushed - plus
more good things - spontaneity, doing something fun with you, low to no pressure), your frame
of it being good for her to come with you beats out her frame of it being better for her to retire
early.
You cannot back down: once you propose something, you're stuck with it, so make
sure you get it right on the first try, because if someone challenges you on it, you've got
to push it through. So if you make a dumb comment like, "All Russians drink a lot," and
she starts telling you about her Russian friends who don't drink, you can't abandon ship
and still command her respect.
You cannot FIGHT with her: frame control is a subtle dance, not a boxing match.
You must not get into a heated debate or argument - your points must be stated with
subtlety and social grace. The instant you start arguing, you may have won the battle
(over who's "right") but you've undoubtedly lost the war (on being and remaining
attractive and desirable and relatable).
You must tend to the emotions of all involved: if it's just you and her, then
you've really only got to worry about what she wants and needs (and what you do). If
there's another guy trying to butt into your conversation, or a female friend of hers
trying to cockblock, or an employee of an establishment trying to hustle you outside
because it's closing time, or anyone else involved for any reason, you've got to tend to
their emotions as well - either assuring them of what they need assurance of, or giving
them something to engage with, or putting social pressure on them and making them
feel awkward and embarrassed for attempting to interfere.
You mustn't let her get locked into an idea: the instant she says she's leaving,
you've got to start frame controlling her out of it. If you let her say something, then
think on it for a while, or ask her too many questions about it that aren't clearly directed
at circumventing it, she'll lock the idea in her head as a firm decision, and then good
luck getting her to do something else (you still can - with great energy and enthusiasm
and spontaneity - but this needs to be well-executed, and it's easier to not have to pull
out spontaneity last minute if you can avoid it).
You may not believe you're the best thing that can happen to her.
And you may not know exactly what you're going to do with her next.
But if you know the principles of frame control, you can often hang in there long enough to
win a frame battle and figure out what you need to do (figure out the wider angle view and
realize what the right path MIGHT be).
Here's some recovery frame control (using that "All Russians drink a lot" gaffe):
You: All Russians drink a lot, you didn't know that?
Her: Actually, I have a lot of Russian friends, and most of them don't drink.
You: Okay, all Russians who aren't friends with YOU drink a lot!
Her: [laughs] If you say so.
You: So tell me about your Russian friends: why do you have so many? It seems like everyone
around here just complains about Russians all the time... and then there's you, and you're
friends with them! Why the difference?
In this case, she isn't going to fully accept your frame because she KNOWS it's incorrect - all
Russians do not drink a lot. However, you turn it from a statement of fact into something of a
joke - and one that she can't easily refute (i.e., she can't cite her friends as examples, because
you've just stated that Russians who aren't her friends drink... she'd have to cite some survey by
the Russian Census Bureau that found that drinking is on the decline and only 28.4% of
Russians drank heavily in 2010 or something like that, which is breaking the mood of the
current conversation and being socially awkward, so she won't do it even if she knows of such
a study).
Here's an example of frame control when others are trying to intervene and you don't
necessarily know where you're taking things, but you just want to stop them from intervening:
Clerk: I'm sorry guys, I have to lock the caf. It's 11 o'clock and time for us to close.
Her: Okay... it's time for me to head back anyway.
You: It's 11 o'clock on a Friday night... far too early to head back.
Her: I got up really early today; I'm flagging pretty bad right now.
Clerk: I hate rushing you guys, but I've really got to get going now.
Her: Sorry; we're leaving. [to you] Are you ready?
You: [to clerk] Give us just a minute, we're taking off in 45 seconds; we won't hold you up. [to
girl] I won't keep you out too much later, but there's something I have to show you before you
head home, no matter how tired you are.
Her: What?
You: I can't tell you what it is, but it's totally worth going to bed a few minutes later. Let's stop
holding up this poor man - he clearly wants to get out of here and go enjoy his Friday night.
Time for us to go enjoy ours.
Her: But I'm tired!
You: Not for long you won't be. Let's go.
You may have no idea what it is you're going to take her to go see or do, but you know you can
always promise something fun and amazing and figure out on the way what that'll be - the most
important thing for now is making sure she doesn't get locked into the idea of taking off
.
That said, while you're still learning frame control, take the time to write down the situations
and frame battles you most commonly encounter, and come up with some standard responses
you can use for these. This will address most of the framing difficulties you have, and it'll get
you accustomed to responding to women's attempts to out-frame you, and get you familiar with
what it feels like to evade these evasions.
Knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that what you say is right and/or that you are the BEST
thing that's going to happen to a girl gives you unassailable frame control that usually wins the
day (the one exception is when you're up against someone else who knows he or she is right
too, and this other person has better debate skills or more people or force on his/her side).
The next step down from there is being able to see widely enough that you can figure out the
best course of action in any given situation for maximizing the satisfaction of everyone
involved and minimizing any dissatisfaction.
Next down from that one is knowing how to use frame control itself, such that even if you don't
know you're perfectly right and don't necessarily have the widest angle view, you can still wing
it long enough to figure out where you're trying to take things. And remember that the basic
ground rules of frame control are:
Finally, there's knowing specific responses - while these won't help you win every frame battle,
they can at least tide you over on the ones you've seen before and the ones you most commonly
run into.
Frame control's loads of fun (there's nothing quite like having someone tell you she is
ABSOLUTLEY not doing something, and then using nothing but verbal prowess to end up
having her come do it anyway, and seeing her enjoy it far more than she would have the
alternative), and it's an important skill to learn if you want to succeed at seducing beautiful
women... not to mention dodge the slings and arrows the women you seduce and their friends
(and your competition) will throw your way - intentionally or otherwise.
Yours,
Chase Amante
Men do get "hypnotized" by women with frame control this good, yes - same as women do
with men who have it. As a man, when you meet a woman who slinks up to you and exudes
both sexiness and an air that cries that she KNOWS she's the best thing that could ever happen
to you, it's every bit as intoxicating as it is for a woman meeting a man like this. Imagine a
woman in a tight red dress approaching a man, pushing him down into his seat, smiling coyly
and wagging her finger at him as if to say, "Not just yet..." you can probably picture him
drooling pretty quickly in your mind's eye.
The "feeling arrogant" and "being surprised to be found desirable" mentalities are a flip side of
imagining how others view you... e.g., one way is to think, "This guy must be looking at me
and thinking I'm AMAZING!" while the other way is thinking, "He probably doesn't even
notice me." And then there's all manner of thoughts in between. The women who most get this
kind of arrogance are the ones who get a lot of experience being around men who desire them
constantly - sexy singers, performers, dancers; some strippers, some high class call girls or go
go girls who've learned how to be so good with men that they make all their johns fall in love.
It's rare to find this kind of sexual confidence in a woman outside of the entertainment
industries, just because a woman outside these doesn't get the kind of feedback she needs to
both constantly refine her approach, if she chooses to, and to reinforce a mentality of being
desired by all and clearly someone who makes the opposite sex thrilled just to be in her
presence.
And that comment on steamrolling - that's this one - absolutely, that's a takeaway worth
keeping in mind (for women too!) - treat people how the other people they've brought into their
lives have treated them, because that's what they really, emotionally want - not how they tell
you they want to be treated (that's only what they think they logically want).
The best approach with a customer you're selling to is to ask leading questions that give you the
information you need to find out what kind of product they want - usually not even worrying
about price. When I was a tire salesman, the first thing I would say to a new customer is, "Let's
go take a look and see what kind of tire you have on your car right now." Then we'd go see.
Then I'd ask how those tires did for him - was there anything he was unhappy with? How was
the mileage, the wet weather traction, snow traction, cornering, ride comfort, road noise? Once
you've got the details of what he's looking for, you can start showing him what you've got for
sale that best meets his needs.
"Do you work on commission?" => "We do - everybody here has a base salary, plus a certain
commission on [type of items] sold based on price / etc." If they ask about whether you're
going to try and sell them the most expensive thing there so you make the most money, laugh
and say, "I'm going to try to sell you whatever it is you WANT, so that you actually buy and I
make SOME money. Besides, that's how I make you want to come back and buy with me again
next time, too."
If you're getting people pushing decisions off, that isn't usually that you had a weak frame, so
much as it is that you didn't inspire any real desire in them to take action or any real confidence
in you or that you understand their needs and are meeting them.
Compliance refusals - you need to change topics quickly and deftly. The less you've pushed
before accepting a rejection, the less damage you take. The pushier you've been without getting
a "yes," the worse off you are.
Girls teasing you - tease back, or, if you don't want to banter, make a, "Well, anyway..." look
like we talked about in "Sexy Body Language for Men (Learned from Hot Girls)."
An article on sales - sure, it's a bit off topic, but it'd be fun. I'll queue it up.
An article on being a potential lover - well, that's really what the entire site is geared around...
geared at turning you into Grade A potential lover material, right up until the point where you
take a girl to bed and become an actual lover. The articles on being smooth, being edgy, being
vulnerable, and creating sexual tension are all good primers for this. If you're talking about
over a longer period of time, review the article on hooking up with friends - particularly the
section on staying on her periphery.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
And they never recommend any sort of improved, smoother, more natural method of screening
women and qualifying them... or even discussing why the two are necessary in the first place.
That's why I made this post.
If you walk up to a girl, and don't screen her at all, and then try to move things forward with
her -- it feels like your routine. It feels like you're doing the same thing to her you do to
everyone, and people don't like that.
I'll give you an example so you can feel what I'm talking about.
You're in the market for a new house. I'm a real estate agent, and you step into my office.
"I'm looking to buy a house," you tell me. A smile spreads across my face.
"I've got the perfect one for you," I say. "It's a big, blue ranch home -- 1 story -- no basement,
but there's a big shed out back you can store your tools in. Let's head out to my car, and I'll take
you there. You have your down payment, right?"
"Wait," you say, "what? I hate the color blue, I have a huge family I need to fit into my home -a ranch won't cut it -- and who said I have any tools to store? I haven't even told you what I'm
looking for yet, or how much I can pay. You don't know anything about me or what I want!"
You're probably not going to trust that I have your best interests at heart. You're probably going
to assume I don't really know what I'm doing, and I use this same exact shtick on everyone.
And you're probably not going to want to do business with me.
But give me one do-over. Let's say now you step into my office, and we have the following
conversation instead:
"I'm looking to buy a house," you tell me.
"All right," I say. "Why don't we have a seat and figure out exactly what you're looking for?"
We sit down together. "Why don't you tell me a little about what it is you want in a home," I
say.
"Well, I'm not really sure," you tell me.
"That's okay," I say. "I'll just ask you a few questions then, and we'll figure it out together. Do
you have a big family?"
"Yeah, pretty big," you reply.
"All right -- how big?" I ask.
"It's me, my wife, four kids and a dog," you say.
"Wow!" I exclaim with a friendly laugh. "That is big! So you probably want a big house, I'd
guess?"
"Yeah, I guess so," you say.
"Okay," I respond. "And probably something with a yard for your kids and dog to play in?"
"Yeah, a yard would be great," you respond.
"All right... big house for big family, yard... got it," I say, taking notes as I do. "Do you like
new homes, traditional homes -- probably not '70s style with fuzzy green floors, right?"
You laugh. "No, definitely no fuzzy green floors. Um, I like brick exteriors, more of a
functional kind of guy -- my wife though, she likes a little flourish on the interior and exterior."
You see how this one's progressing. We're sitting there, and I'm just taking the time to find out
what it is you want exactly.
Feels a lot more comfortable, doesn't it? You're a lot more likely to buy from someone who
takes the time to find out what you want, what you're looking for, and then shows you what he
has that matches your standards.
Because that's what a big part about screening is. You aren't just screening the girl -- you're
screening yourself, too. You're showing her that yes, you have on offer something that matches
exactly what she's looking for, and you're doing it in a convincing way (as opposed to the guy
who says, "You'll love this blue 1-story ranch house -- it's perfect for you!" or the guy who
says, "Yeah, we'd be great together!" without knowing anything about a girl).
The very act of a man screening her reassures a woman that she's getting something
unique, special, and tailored to exactly what she wants.
Qualifying is the other side of the equation. Qualifying is how you let a woman know she
meets your screens.
In other words, screening women right tells them you're the kind of man they're looking for.
And qualifying women right reassures them they're the kind of women you're looking for -- and
prevents them going cold and slipping into auto-rejection like they do with the men they feel
like don't value their traits or accomplishments.
Guy: What's your dream? So let's say you get your Master's... do you stay in Sydney and get a
white picket fence house and find the perfect man and settle down and have a few kids and a
career?
Girl: Oh, God, no. That sounds a little too boring for me.
Guy: What, then?
Girl: I'd like to start a fashion line. You know, design things for people to wear.
Guy: Ah. Now that sounds like a good dream.
Girl: What about you... what are you doing with your life?
Guy: Well... it's complicated.
Girl: How so?
What do these statements seem like?
Yep... all screens. Woven into the very mesh and fabric of the deep dive.
What makes a man a skilled conversationalist isn't merely his ability to keep others
engaged; it's his ability as well to extract large amounts of information -- both to inform
himself about his conversation partner, and to identify additional avenues to take the
conversation.
Deep diving essentially uses a system of screens to drill down to the inner layers of a woman's
history, personality, dreams, preferences, and identity. It gets you to the quick of her, and
seamlessly integrates screening with your standard, ordinary conversation.
You don't have to clumsily fumble around with awkwardly timed screens when you use deep
diving. The pieces of the puzzle all fit neatly together.
That means, she says, "Yes, I can cook," and you ask her what dishes.
She tells you a little about her cooking, and you tell her a short story about how your last
attempt at cooking went horribly awry -- and then you ask her another question about her
cooking again.
Yes, it's good to express approval -- e.g., "Now that sounds like a good dream," in our deep
diving example above -- but you really don't need to do that all that much.
So much of the advice out there on qualifying is about telling women you like something about
them directly.
She says, "Yes, I can cook."
You say, "I like that."
Frankly, to me, that's clumsy. Fine when you're starting out, but once you've got your feet
under you and you're comfortable telling girls you like them and that they meet your standards,
you want to cut that out.
Instead, ask questions to show interest, and share related stories of your own to bond.
That girl, in the example deep dive above -- think she feels like the guy is interested? Of course
she does. If he wasn't, he wouldn't keep asking her to know more. She feels like he's really,
honestly getting to know her -- because he is.
Most guys she meets just ask her where she lives, and leave it at that. They never find out she
doesn't like the town that much, that she's in a bit of a rut in her life right now, that she intends
to pursue her Master's, and that her dream is to launch her own fashion line. But the guy above
got all that out of her in about a minute and a half -- and I guarantee you, she feels
increasingly qualified around him.
The more someone shares of him or herself with you, the more deeply connected to you he or
she feels. It's a feeling completely automatic -- it can't be controlled.
Qualifying isn't about telling a girl, "I like that you can cook." It's about showing interest in her
cooking -- asking her what she cooks, where she learned that skill from, how long she's been
doing it, if she has any special recipes, how often she cooks, if she has any cooking disaster
stories -- that's what makes her feel qualified.
Because she feels like you've actually taken the time to get to know her. That does a better job
of qualifying than any number of, "I like that," statements ever could.
So -- screening and qualifying -- important? You bet they are -- but wherever possible, cut out
the clumsiness. Integrate them with your regular conversation, and make sure all the pieces of
the puzzle fit together. It'll all go a lot more smoothly.
by Alek Rolstad
Saturday, 7 June 2014
Hi everyone. Good to be back! How is everyone doing? I am sorry for having been inactive. I was
busy with school. But now it is all over and I will be able to pump out a few articles for you!
Previously we discussed what it meant to have standards. We covered different types of standards and
reflected on different aspects of it. Today we will talk more about standards, but this time more about
its practical aspects namely, how you can use standards in qualification.
First of all, I am aware that qualification has been covered multiple times here at Girls Chase, but in
my belief, repetition is good, especially when it is about important topics.
Also, I probably have a different view on qualification than other posters here, which in the end will
just build up to your technique arsenal of mass seduction. New readers will of course benefit from this
post as well.
Also keep in mind that this post on qualification, like the previous one on standards, is another of the
crucial elements of sexual prizing. This post, in fact, covers such an important element of sexual prizing
(a concept I introduced a month ago), that if you want to be able to truly understand my upcoming posts
on that topic, this one is a must read.
Standards
Before we begin, let us recap (quickly) the major types of standards we discussed in our previous post:
1. Hotness: That a girl is beautiful enough to reach your standards. In other words, a girl needs
to be beautiful enough for you to be willing to have sex or get into a relationship with her.
2. Personality: That a girl has a personality you can get along with. Having standards in terms
of personality means that you require a certain personality from her (i.e., she must be
kind, feminine, sweet).
3. Logistical standards: Meaning you require certain logistics (living nearby, alone, free the next
day) from her in order to be willing to have sex with her (this one applies primarily to casual
sex).
4. Sexual compatibility: A standard based on the fact that you and the girl have to match sexually
(that you are to a certain extent into the same kinks) in order for you to be willing to hook up
with her.
Let us now cover what qualification is, and how having standards fuse with the art of qualification.
What is Qualification?
One of the most commonly used tools in seduction is qualification. Most good seducers use this tool to
make girls who are attracted to them even more attracted and help them seal the deal much easier
(such as making it easier to take her home to your place and escalating till the end).
Qualification basically means qualifying the girl. Now, you have probably already noticed that such
a technique easily makes you into the prize and the woman into the chaser.
For those who have been around here for a while, you know that being chased (i.e., being the prize
in womens eyes) is a good thing when it comes to seduction.
Before I explain further what qualification is, let me give you an example of what it looks like:
Alek: You seem like a really sweet and charming girl, but sadly you seem a little closed-minded for me.
What you saw there is a qualifier. In other words its bait, and if women go for it (i.e., qualify to it) you
are most likely in.
As you saw, I challenge the girl in order to force her to qualify to me. Once she qualifies to my qualifier I
will be the one being qualified to, in other words, Ill be the prize.
Also, this obviously displays that you have standards. You have certain things you are looking for, and you
will not spend your time on someone who cannot provide those things. This is also a good thing, because
fact is: having standards is more or less attractive or at least, all attractive men have them.
By having standards you indirectly communicate that you are of higher value and that you have
multiple options (else you would not be in a position to have standards, right?). Basically, having
standards is an attractive trait, and qualifying is a good way to communicate it.
Now there are two ways of qualifying: the first way is to ask her whether or not she qualifies to your
standards.
You are very sexy, but are you adventurous?
Or you can qualify her by disqualifying her. This way can often be more powerful in how it is more
or less forcing her to qualify herself, but again, it is also riskier as it can upset her.
Lets face it, disqualifying her is a little bit ruder. In our first example of what a qualifier looked like, we
used this form, but I will give you a new example in order to avoid confusion.
You are so charming, energetic, and passionate! Sad you dont seem that sexually liberated, because
that would be really hot.
As you can see, she now qualified to your qualifier (your little challenge).
You displayed a standard namely that you dont like closed-minded girls or put another way:
you want open-minded girls. Now she qualified to your standard as she is trying to qualify to you.
Basically, qualification as a technique means that you put out bait (a qualifier) in order to make her
qualify to you simply put: force her to fit into your standards; force her to try to win you over.
In this example, she is indeed attracted to you, and therefore she is trying to show you that she is
the type of girl you like she is qualifying to you.
Now what if she does not qualify?
Example #2: She Doesnt Qualify:
Alek: You seem like a really sweet and charming girl, but sadly you seem a little closed minded for me.
Julia: Maybe I am, why do you care? [truly not qualifying]
Here you can see that she is most likely not attracted. Maybe she is just playing a game? Maybe she is
trying to keep her status as the prize the one being chased?
It doesnt matter because you will respond to it the same way, which is our next topic.
But if you want to play it safe, you can always avoid her response and proceed with more escalation,
more attraction buildings techniques, maybe even isolate her better (just generate a little bit more
attraction) in order to try again later?
If you dont react or give any responses (especially not verbal responses) to her disqualification,
her disqualification will lose its value it will be like it had never taken place.
This can be seen as a very safe technique, yet it is not powerful, in the sense that you are not reacting to
it.
By reacting to her disqualification (by, for example, showing a loss of interest), you somewhat disqualify
her.
By disqualifying her, you force her to qualify to you even harder. But again, this can go both
ways. Calibration is key and field experience is what makes you into a calibrated master!
Keep in mind however that if after a few attempts she still does not qualify to you, maybe it is time to
reconsider your investments and move on?
If she shows interest in you, and you (as a result of her qualifying) show interest in her, you create a
vibe (or a bubble if you like) where you and her have something special going on; there is some
mutual attraction taking place (and remember, mutual attraction is key).
Remember that when a woman feels that there is something special going on between you, isolation
(getting her away from the crowd), extraction (taking her home), and escalation (building up from a
social vibe into a sexual one) becomes much easier.
Further, the purpose of qualification is to make her qualify. If you try to make her qualify to you in
terms of looks (or even worse hotness you are not hot enough) there are very small to almost no
chances that she will qualify to you.
She will most likely not commit to plastic surgery in order to fit your standards of beauty, nor will she
even dye her hair. All you risk is her getting very emotionally hurt and things going south.
Personality and sexual compatibility however are probably the best and easiest things to qualify
a girl on. Not only are they far less sensitive topics than looks, but also it gives women a chance to
display different sides of their personalities.
If you think women are honest about their personality or who they are, then you are wrong.
It is known that women can be anyone in order to attract a desired male, or in order to be perceived
as an attractive woman by her surroundings.
Now a woman does have a personality, but when out meeting men, she is not always displaying her true
self This again gives you a lot of room to make her qualify to your desires.
Keep in mind that if you qualify a girl on sexual compatibility, you risk facing anti-slut defence. Be
sure you have read and mastered the techniques against it before considering this approach (more on
this in future posts).
Moving on to logistical standards, it can be wise to ask her about her logistics once in a while:
in order to figure out her logistics. But again, do not make it obvious that you want to know
everything about her logistics, as it can seem a little creepy (you communicate to her that you
obviously want to take her home bad bad!), but instead, once in a while you sneak in a question
about her logistics.
She either has good or bad logistics and it is up to you to decide whether or not you are willing to
proceed with this girl or not (I recommend to not proceed with girls who have bad logistics). In this
case, if she qualifies, you keep interacting with her. If she doesnt, move on.
1. Always give a small compliment before qualifying this way, not only do you motivate her
to qualify to you, but you also remove the risk of her getting upset in case she takes your
qualification attempts negatively (especially if you use a disqualifier).
2. If you qualify without having sensed any interest on her part, you risk that she wont
qualify to your qualification attempt. Many seducers recommend waiting until you have
generated some attraction in her, although that isnt necessary if she shows strong signs
of interests right away.
3. Whatever you qualify her for, make sure you communicate that you find such a thing
attractive. For example, if you would like to qualify her on being adventurous make sure
you let her know that you find adventurous women attractive.
Qualification Recap
Having standards is an elementary trait of being an attractive man. And in this article we have
covered how we can display those standards in order to convey that we are attractive men.
This is done by using what we called qualification, with the use of qualifiers where we try to
figure out whether or not she fits into our standards and then proceed with challenging (or forcing)
her to fit into them.
This can be done by either qualifying her, in the sense that you openly ask her whether she fits into
one of your standards, or by disqualifying yourself to her by assuming she doesnt, in order to force
her to prove the opposite.
Her response to your qualification attempts will of course vary. She will either qualify back or not (if
not, we can say she is disqualifying herself to you). If she qualifies it is important to reward her with
some positive attention and signs of interest. If she doesnt, either display a sign of disinterest or
avoid her response and try qualifying her again later on, with the hope of better success.
We have also discussed why I believe qualifying in terms of personality and sexual compatibility
are your best bets. They are NOT touching into a sensitive topic such as looks/hotness while at the
same time they give the most room for her to qualify to you.
We have also seen that qualification can be used to test for her interest and can also be used as a tool
to show interest without coming across as needy.
All in all, qualification is a very strong tool that most seducers use either consciously or unconsciously.
I hope you found this post useful.
Question and comments are welcome.
Until next,
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Sure, if you read books about 100 to 200 years ago, it seems like just about every guy was a
romantic. But that's books -- and books are fond of fanciful and idealistic characters.
If you ask me, I'd be really surprised if there were actually a whole lot of romantic men at any
point in history.
Because, you see, romantic men are rare.
And women love them. They go crazy for romantic men... all of them.
So why don't more men become romantic?
Well, there are two things that romanticism ultimately stems from:
Most men don't have those qualities, and that's why most men aren't romantics.
A man must genuinely really love and enjoy and care for women to be a romantic. This is
different from what nice guys do. And the distinction is incredibly important.
Nice guys try to be nice and pretend to be nicer than they are and supplicate to women and
kiss up to them. Usually they think they're flying under the radar... and what ends up
happening is either they succeed in flying under the radar (and women really, honestly think
they only want to be just friends and never see them as more than that), or they fail in flying
under the radar (and end up seeming creepy to women).
Romantic men, on the other hand, don't try to hide their interest in women -- they're
upfront about it. They can do this either by stating it outright -- in a very smooth, natural way,
of course -- or by implying it through their nonverbal communication, voice tone, and
implications (such as chase framing).
Women know, most of the time, that if a man's spending much time on them, he probably has
some degree of romantic interest in them. Because of the way attraction works, women have
the highest degree of respect and mutual attraction for the men who are just honest about their
attraction and don't try to conceal it in fear.
That's what nice guys do -- they try to hide their attraction out of fear of being rejected.
Women instantly take that as a sign they should reject them -- who knows you better than you?
So if a guy thinks a woman ought to reject him, most of the time that woman is going to
trust his judgment of his own worth, and listen to what he thinks she ought to do. A guy's
afraid a girl's going to reject him? She'll probably end up rejecting him.
Romantic men combine two aspects of very successful lovers that appeal to women at a very
deep level:
1. confidence, and
2. a way with women.
Confidence tells a woman a man must be desirable, else he would not expect attraction with
such self-assuredness.
A way with women also tells a woman a man must be desirable -- he must have had success
with women to have developed this way with them.
And what women tend to be looking for, ultimately, is a man who's already successful with
women -- confidence and a way with them are the keys that tell her he is.
Back to what we were talking about earlier. Have the romantics been lost? The answer, I'm
quite confident, is no, they haven't. In fact, you can find romantics just as much today in
women's reading materials (romance novels, for instance) as you can in books of old. And
there are indeed men today who reap the rewards of romanticism.
Western culture may have hurt the number of romantics out there somewhat -- with all the
"men vs. women" polarity there is these days stemming from the feminist movement and
backlashes against men and return backlashes against women, there are a lot of cynical men
out there now (along with a lot of cynical women). There's a big divide between the sexes, a
lot of distrust, finger pointing, and prickliness.
But there are still men out there who love women. And those men do so much better with
them than the cynical men that it's not even funny.
I don't think romantic men were ever all that common before. Men hundreds of years back had
to spend too much of their time at work, and had too little leisure time, to spend much time
pursuing women as romantics. Only the odd man out -- a man with an aristocratic background,
perhaps, who was also well-traveled -- ended up as a romantic.
Nowadays, men have more leisure time, but with today's cynicism about women and dating,
many men have in-built opinions that stifle any kind of romantic whims they might otherwise
have.
That's why, even in a time when men have the availability and the resources to become
romantics, romantics are still so rare. And that's why women continue to treasure them so
much.
Typically, you'll find that cynicism fades as you acquire more and more positive
experiences with women, but not always. It's something you have to watch for and police in
yourself and remove that bad thoughts.
Once that's out of the way though, and you acquire a genuine love and appreciation for
women, here's all you have to do to turn yourself into a romantic man:
Benchmark. Watch some movies with very attractive, alluring men (Val Kilmer's
wooings in The Saint are some of my favorite), and watch how strong guys woo
women in romantic ways. They're passionate in love-making; silent in other ways; and
they quite often extremely strong, powerful men. You don't see truly romantic men
chasing after women, the way, say, a Greek or an Italian man might. Truly romantic
men are able to enchant women without having to pursue relentlessly.
Learn to show their affection in unexpected but powerful ways. You notice that
many romantic men skip expensive gift and purchases for women -- they recognize that
an inexpensive but meaningful gift (such as something you've personalized or made
yourself, say with a poem or an inside joke or pet name) carries far more emotional
impact. They'll also do things like take a woman some place in town that they know
she'll like -- she loves independent art, say, and you happen to find a small independent
art gallery she doesn't know about -- and they use surprise a lot -- so you might take her
to that gallery without telling her where you're headed. Just take her there, walk in, and
let her be amazed.
Learn to show more than tell. Related to the example of the small art gallery in that
last bullet, while most men talk a lot to women about their feelings or how much they
care about her, romantic men show women -- through remembering important little
things about them, small subtle gestures, etc. When she's upset, simply bringing her
into an embrace wordlessly rather than trying to comfort her verbally is a great
example. Guiding her across the street with your hand on the small of her back or
changing positions with her to walk curbside is another.
Most importantly, remember that being a romantic man is about the emotions you cause
women to feel. Most guys never spend much time learning how to spark emotions in other
people and make them really feel; I tend to believe this is one of the most crucial interpersonal
skills you can develop in yourself.
The man who can make a woman feel can make her fall in love. If your aim is success with
women, becoming that sort of man is one of the fastest roads there.
Yours,
Chase Amante
Hey Jiminy,
Must take issue with your comment here... as follows:
"Most guys never spend much time learning how to spark emotions in other people because
most guys have other things to do with their lives."
Such as? The men who've developed the ability to spark emotions in others tend to be the most
powerful, successful businessmen, spiritual leaders, politicians, and celebrities out there, as
well as the most successful and charismatic ordinary folks you'll find. And while I don't doubt
the less successful people out there have "other things to do with their lives," I do doubt that
those things are much better than investing in developing themselves.
"I can sum your whole article up in 3 words. Just be yourself."
Actually, this article was about how to create within yourself something that wasn't there
before (romance)... rather than continuing on exactly as you are right now.
"If a woman doesn't like you because your not romantic enough, she has very low intelligence
and can't see the bigger picture."
This uses the same logic as saying, "Well, if those corporate fat cats won't give you a job, they
clearly aren't smart enough to realize what an incredible employee you'd be and they just don't
get it."
It's your responsibility, as a man, to get the message across and convey what you have to offer.
Women are the choosers, just like employers. There are ways of turning the tables about and
getting them pursuing you, but you need to understand and accept that you're being selected
from among a pool of applicants first.
One can reject that all he likes, but it doesn't change the way the world works. You can say, "If
movie stars don't want to date me, they're just stupid!" but that doesn't necessarily make it so.
"These are the same type of women that will require you to be romantic, then when you've
done that they want something else, then something else."
Wait, who said anything about women "requiring" you to be romantic?
This post isn't about the girl who says, "Why can't you be more romantic, Fred?" It's about men
creating an air of the romantic about themselves.
For the woman making demands, there are a number of posts addressing that on this site.
"The moral of the tale is simple. Be yourself. If they don't like you too bad for them."
But the moral of this site is, "Transform yourself into more than you were before."
If a woman decides not to go to school beyond high school, and not to get a job and instead
live with her parents, and not dress well and always dresses in frumpy clothes, and doesn't do
her hair up, and spends all day watching soap operas and reading celebrity gossip rags, then
complains that the only men she attracts are deadbeats and that all the rest of men out there are
just too stupid to date her --- would you agree? Should investment bankers and rock stars and Senators chase after this
girl? Are these men fools for turning down a catch-of-a-lifetime like this?
If you think not, then you like your women to have worked on themselves, which means you're
on Team Self Improvement and you didn't even realize it. Welcome aboard -- hope you find
some things of use on the site.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Man chase I really have been in a funk lately. I'm back in school and I feel like a social
retard now lol! I need some advice, I really need help with asking girls out on dates and what
that actually looks like you know? I'm reading your articles and a lot of it is making sense but
closing the deal and getting dates is weird for me. I guess I really haven't actually asked a girl
out on a proper date before my last GF I got with because I was able to escalate things with
her fast.
Hey brother, I'm glad to oblige. In answer to your question, I present to you (and all the other
cats out there with the same thing on their minds) this post, which will teach you -emphatically, unequivocally, and without fluff, huff, or pomp of any kind -- how to ask a girl
out... and always (or almost always, anyway!) get a "yes."
I'm planning on going fairly in-depth into helping you to get yourself schooled up and solid
enough on the topic of how to ask a girl out and get a "yes" in this post. We're going to cover a
lot of ground here today.
So on that note, I've split this article up into two subsections. That way, if you're just skimming
for the main points, or don't have a lot of time to get all the way through it all, you can take a
look through these 3 most vital points now, and then you can come back to the rest later when
you have more time or need more tips.
Let's dive into the 3 essential tips you can start using right away to start getting you some
"yes"es.
have 1 or 2 girls at all times that you're just waiting for the right moment for... and you might
very well end up waiting on that moment forever.
Well, new news: women don't wait around forever. They've got options. Competition's
fierce.
What that means for you is, if you wait around, you don't get the girl.
On top of that, because attraction has an expiration date, the longer you wait to make
something happen with a woman, the lesser her attraction for you becomes -- and the more
likely she is to be closed off to doing anything with you.
That means, you ought to ask girls out soon. Like, as soon as you realize you like them, just
about, you ask them out. Not a week after you decide you like a girl; not a month later. You
ask her out within a few days of realizing you'd like to ask her out -- preferably, you ask her
out within a few minutes of realizing you'd like to ask her out.
The less time elapses between the moment you realize you'd like to ask a girl out, and the
moment you start your feet moving to go over to talk to her and ask her out, the higher
the likelihood is that both A) you ask her out at all, ever, and B) she says "yes."
And I know, that's a little intimidating -- especially if she's really cute and you like her a lot.
"Because," you might ask yourself, "what if she says 'no?'"
But here's something else to think about -- what if you never ask her? How many days and
nights will you spend tearing yourself up inside just thinking about her wondering, fantasizing,
dreaming -- when all you had to do was ask?
Here's what asking right away does for you:
It greatly increases the odds you get her while she's still receptive to you
It gets you an answer, now, definitively, so you aren't left wondering forever
It allows you to start actually spending time with her, if she says "yes," instead of
spending time thinking about her -- much less fun
It starts getting you experience and starts training you to have an easier and easier time
talking to girls and asking them out.
At worst, asking a girl out right away compels you to realize that a girl saying "no" isn't the
end of the world. And at best... you end up with your dream girl.
See why this is a good thing?
Another lesson you can take away from that early attempt on my part back in 1997: don't just
walk up to her and ask her out of the blue (or when she's in the middle of talking to all of her
friends with about 200 people standing around watching).
Instead, ask her out on a high note.
If you want to know how to ask a girl out and get a "yes" almost every single time, this one is
absolutely the key to the whole thing. You ask her out when she's enjoying talking to you -and she's going to say "yes."
You know when most inexperienced guys ask a girl out? It's either:
No wonder so many guys are terrified to ask girls out, and/or not all that good at it. They ask at
the wrong damn times in the wrong damn situations!
Honestly, if some random guy started talking to you, and then you guys talked and talked, and
then started running out of conversation, and then it started feeling a little awkward, and then
he was like, "Hey buddy, we should go grab a pizza and some beer some time," how excited
are you to say yes?
Now compare that to some random guy who's started talking to you, and he feels like your
long lost best friend, and the two of you are in the middle of laughing at some story he just
told, and he says, "Hey pal, we ought to go grab a cheeseburger later this week."
On that second one, you're probably going to say, "Sure man, let's do it!"
Why? Because it was proposed on a high note.
In the very first article I send to subscribers when you sign up for my free newsletter -- signup
form at the end of this article -- I discuss the most important difference between men and
women.
And that difference is how acutely women listen to their emotions. Women don't decide things
because they logically make sense; women decide things because they emotionally do.
And even for men like us, who don't rely on feeling as much as women do, when someone
asks you to spend more time with them when you're already enjoying spending time with them,
in the very midst of that enjoyment, like in that second example above, you're certainly going
to agree, almost always.
And when they ask you to spend more time with them when it feels weird or awkward or
random or challenging to keep spending time with them, like in that first example above,
you're likely to decline, because you don't want to be feeling that again.
The emotion is key.
So what high notes do you look for?
1. She's laughing
2. She's telling you a lot about herself
3. She's staring at you like she wants to grab you and tear your clothes off
Things like that. If she's smiling and talking with you and laughing, that's a pretty good
indication she's enjoying herself with you -- and that she'd be open to spending more time with
you and enjoying more interaction and conversation with you. Ask her out.
Still not ready to start asking women out like crazy? Well, I've got a few more insights on how
to ask a girl out to help you step up your game there -- so you're in luck.
And nothing's going to happen with the two of you rappelling down a cliff face. You'll be too
tired afterward for anything to happen then, either.
And besides, maybe she just doesn't have the energy or the inclination to go do wild parties or
hike a couple of miles.
Those are great things to do with friends, and activity partners, but they're not so great things
to do with someone you're really attracted to and want to be with. And women will sometimes
even flat out refuse these things because they don't want the guy to inadvertently kill the
attraction they have for him by accidentally plopping himself into the platonic guy pal zone.
Bad news you may not be aware of: many of the girls who say "no" to fun dates would rather
just get to know you than do off-the-wall activities, and many of the girls who say "yes" to fun
dates really just want to have fun -- and could care less who they're going with. They're there
for the date, not for you, and you odds of doing anything other than having a nice friendly
outing are pretty low.
This isn't always true, but it is a lot more often than you might think.
But guys often take women's refusal to go on these sorts of high-energy crazy "fun" dates
as a universal refusal, when it might just be the activity a girl was rejecting -- not them.
To get around this, stay away from inviting girls on crazy wild fun dates, and just invite them
on relaxed ones where you can talk.
A few ideas:
Pick a date template -- something simple -- stick to it, and you should be fine. It's only when
guys try to be crazy and overly clever that it blows up in their faces. All you really need is
something laid back where the two of you can talk and get to know each other and build
connections... keep it straightforward and she'll probably say "yes."
So, instead of tossing out some time that who knows if she'll be free or not, or whether it's an
inconvenient time for her or not and she'll likely flake, I let her pick the day, and her pick the
time.
It goes like this:
Me: We should grab a drink or a bite some time this week.
Her: Yeah, definitely!
Me: When's good for you... what's your schedule look like?
Her: Umm, let's see. I'm really packed most of the week... oh, but I could do, Friday night, or
maybe Sunday afternoon?
Me: Okay, great. Sunday afternoon would be perfect. Let's say 1 o'clock maybe?
Her: 1 o'clock works fine.
Me: Perfect. Let's say 1 o'clock then; meet me at my subway station maybe? And we'll grab
some food? That sound good?
Her: Okay, that's perfect! I'll see you on Sunday then!
Me: Cool beans. See you Sunday, Christie.
No rejection from her on date or time. No wondering what to do when girls flake -- because
flakes largely disappear.
You're seeing her on a date at a time that works fine for her -- that makes it easy for her
to say yes, and easy for her to not miss it.
It's the path of least resistance. Make it as easy for her to say "yes" in the moment and show
up on the day of your date as you can without overextending yourself.
are the same as most people -- the more decisions you take care of for them, the happier they'll
be, so long as the decisions you make are good enough that they don't have to disagree or fight
them.
So, after we've found a time that works for her schedule and I can fit into my schedule, I stop
asking for her to figure things out. I just make proposals and ask her if those proposals work
for her.
Also, on the same note, you really don't want to let girls plan the date for logistical reasons,
either. If she has an idea, it's usually better that you can't make it -- unless that idea is
conducive to seduction.
Just a few such terrible date ideas for the record:
Let's go hiking
Let's go to a party
Let's go to a nightclub
Let's all hang out with my friends
Let's go shopping
Let's go to a movie
Let's go to some kind of group activity
Let's go to a networking event
These all fall under the category of "bad first date." Or bad second, third, or fourth date too,
for that matter.
Why do they make for bad dates?
Because they violate those 5 Cs of Dating I mentioned in the article just linked to. For a
refresher, those 5 Cs are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Simple. A big part of the reason why guys get nervous asking girls out is because they don't
know exactly what they're doing. Well, if you choose one of those good first date ideas,
you're going to know exactly what you're doing: you're taking her on a date she'll like, where
the two of you can get to know each other, and that'll be conducive to the both of you
potentially becoming lovers if things go well.
If you're inexperienced, perhaps skip having her come over to your place unless you're really
feeling it. The rest of those should feel totally safe though.
Mind goes blank? Ask her what she's got planned for the rest of the day -- that's an easy
one. Just make it smooth, natural, and make sure she doesn't have any cause for concern about
her decision to say "yes!"
If you stick with these tips and insights on how to ask a girl out, I'm confident you're going to
start getting just about every girl you ask on a date agreeing to go out with you.
At the very least, you'll be a very hard guy for a girl to say "I'd like to be friends first" to!
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Hey Chad,
I do treat the two mediums a bit differently, yeah.
Phone I use more conversation. Like,
Her: [story, laughs]
Me: [laughs] That's hilarious. Let's grab some food this week or something.
Her: Yeah, that would be cool.
Me: Rock on. What's your schedule like over the next few days?
Text I'm more to the point:
Me: Hey Kelly, how's your week going? Hope you kicked that test's ass back to Calculus I. We
should grab a drink this week -- let me know what your schedule's like.
Primarily because there's a big delay in texting, and you want to avoid that pregnant feeling in
the air of, "Okay, I know he's going to ask, he's just building up to it..."
So you just get it out there right away and avoid any awkwardness. In phone, it happens fast,
so you can progress things normally from a conversational standpoint and let it unfold a little
more first and get buy-in before scheduling it up.
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Hi Anon,
Yeah, I second Migz on "maybe"... it's a roundabout way for girls to say "no" when they're
afraid they might hurt your feelings. They are, basically, trying to be nice, but for guys who
haven't learned to read between the lines on what women are really saying yet, it can be
confusing. I know I used to get really excited when I'd get a "maybe" from a girl... it took me a
few of these to start realizing "maybe" meant "not gonna happen."
On talking about the date -- right. Once she says yes, set out schedule and basic logistics -e.g., you'll meet Sunday at 1 PM at XYZ location -- and nothing beyond that. Don't start
discussing where you'll go afterward, or your plan for the date, or ask her if she's ever been to
this place or that place before. Just what time you're meeting, and where you're meeting, and
nothing else about the date, to give you the smoothest sailing possible and avoid bogging her
down with details and making the date feel like a chore she'll have to think hard about and
have second thoughts over agreeing to. Make it easy for her to just schedule it in and show up,
and she likely will.
Cheers man,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Howdy Gerald,
All right, so some good and some bad there.
Bad: you're getting a late start in the dating world, haven't learned to read which women are
interested, and you're in a location with limited options.
Good: you're good-looking, women obviously like you, and you're still young (in my opinion,
men are most desirable to the widest swath of women from somewhere between 27 and 45,
depending on the guy. e.g., I have much better success at 28 with girls who are 20 years old
than I did when I was, say, 23, and could only get older women).
Starting out, you should operate under the assumption that all women are interested in you.
Particularly if you're a really good-looking guy, that shouldn't be too far from the truth ;) Even
if it was, it's a good mindset to start with because it's going to get you meeting more women
and building up more reference points than if you didn't.
One thing you might consider if you're working remotely is relocating. Can you do your job
from elsewhere? Possibly even consider asking your job if they'll support you relocating.
Location helps a lot -- when you've got a continuous supply of new, attractive women, it
makes it much easier to learn faster.
So, you're starting at a handicap in skill, but you've got some assets -- looks, likability,
relationship success, and age -- that are going to allow you to progress faster than some men
will. Being accustomed to women chasing you will slow your initial progress -- it did for me...
you get a bit of an entitlement mentality that makes it kind of shocking when you first start
approaching girls and they aren't falling all over themselves to be with you -- but once you've
got the basics down and can start putting the pieces together and figuring out how to make the
women you're meeting pursue, things get quite interesting.
First you've got to start off with just approaching and being the pursuer, though. The piecingeverything-together comes a bit later.
Best thing for you to do now is just start meeting women. Online actually might be very good
for you if you're a good looking guy -- it's 95% looks, but picture quality is important. Get
some professional pictures done, and get them online. Don't expect the highest quality women
though -- unless you're on a site where girls are looking for relationships. Just get started, try
and practice some basic openers, and get meeting girls in the mall, in bars, on the street, and
wherever you like best.
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Howdy Stronghold,
Glad you're hooked, man ;) Sorry for the confusion -- I try to keep things as non-contradictory
as possible on here, but I realize the difficulty in doing that when you're combining an
approach of minimizing effort and maximizing having women invest with male-female mating
rituals, which largely necessitate the man in the role of pursuer. I'll try and clear this up as best
possible.
You basically want to be cool and sexy and cause women to pursue... and then, strategically,
make moves to progress things forward, but have them seem as effortless as possible and have
them come across as an extension of the girl's actions as often as possible.
For instance, you might talk to a girl and chill and be sexy and get to know her, and she's
getting more and more excited, and then finally she says she's tired, so you say, "Yeah, you're
right, it's getting a bit late. Why don't we go grab a nightcap and we'll call it a night." Then you
pull her home -- you suggested the move back to your place, but it seems a natural extension of
what she herself was saying.
You can't always execute this perfectly, and at times you do have to stand up and be the
pursuer here or there. At least go for mutual and get buy-in, though -- e.g., you text a girl,
"Hey, was great to meet you yesterday. We ought to grab some food this week -- when are you
free and what's your schedule like?" There's also a lot of removing of decisions to be made
from women there -- it makes it a lot easier for her to just say "I'm free here and here and here"
and then you set it all up and make it happen, than the guy who says, "Would you like to go
out with me?"
With the office girl, there could've been initial attraction there, but things fade fast soon after a
girl joins a circle much of the time -- especially when she has options, which it sounds like this
girl does. It's totally normal -- see these posts (if you haven't already):
It sounds like the window's closed with her and attraction's dried up. A shame when it happens,
but it happens a lot, to a lot of guys.
For one more perspective on this, see:
That one's about social circle, but applies just as much to the office as to school or your circle.
Hopefully these help, brother. You'll probably have to strike out in search of new prospects -oh, and you'll also want to cut out the "hinting" at making things happen (e.g., joking around
about joining her for a movie). Hinting unnerves women a bit -- instead, be commanding,
powerful, yet still chill, and direct (e.g., "Here, invite me up, I need to get a glass of water").
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 27 November 2012
We've had a few questions on here lately about the difference between chasing women vs.
persisting with women. A few weeks back William B. raised the point when I asked for ideas
on what the new forum's bonus book should be on:
I'd like to see something fleshing out the nuances between chasing and persistence.
And more recently, a commenter on the article on how to find the woman you want asked:
I guess what i want to know is how does all this play in with not chasing her...if you
leave enough time between your proposals it doesn't count as chasing?
I've seen a few other people ask about it on other articles as well.
What's the difference between chasing women and persisting with them, anyway? Aren't they
one and the same?
Actually, the two are VERY different - and women are right for desiring persistent men to a
point... and fleeing from men who chase after that point.
Let's have a look at why that is, and how you can better walk the line between chasing and
persistence.
First off, I want to say this: I don't think there's any guy out there in the world who likes
chasing women.
And by "chasing women," I don't mean that in the vaguely sarcastic tone of your buddy who's
really good at picking up girls. When he says, "Let's go chase some women," what he really
means is, "Let's go make some women helplessly attracted to us then go take them home."
When I say "chasing women," what I'm referring to is the guy who's pursuing a woman
who isn't his, is acting cold or distant or aloof to him, and is not giving him nearly what
he wants from her... a man who isn't in control.
What I'm talking about with chasing is when a man desperately wants a woman who doesn't
want him.
If you've ever chased a woman before - and most guys have, no need to feel too ashamed about
it - you can probably think back on the emotions you felt about it and realize that it didn't feel
all that great. Nowhere did you get emotions like, "Wow, this is wonderful!" Instead, all you
feel while chasing are feelings of:
Confusion
Uncertainty
Panic
Fear
Loss
Need
Desperation
These are a deep, dark hole of bad emotions that drive you into feeling worse about yourself,
and doing things very wrong with a girl from the point of being attractive.
Chasing is very unattractive to women.
It's off-putting.
But if it's so horribly ineffective a behavior, why do men do it?
This study assessed college men's (n= 85) and women's (n= 215) courtship
Approach
Surveillance
Intimidation
Mild Aggression
As an interesting aside, the researchers further noted, on differences between male and female
courtship behaviors, that
Obviously, intimidation and mild aggression are pretty bad. Surveillance isn't terribly good
either, as you're "pretending" it's fate while hiding true desires; women are more guilty of this
one than men are, and according to the research there's less a chance that it leads to a
relationship than a healthy interaction where the behavior isn't needed or used.
So what's all this have to do with chasing women vs. persisting with women?
Simple - this quote from the study:
During the earliest stages of courtship, a one-sided initial interest (i.e., a scenario in
which one potential partner is more interested than the other) may reflect this
unrequited love scenario and result in intensified initial courtship behaviors.
Behaviors used to attract the potential partner may include stalking-related
behaviors.
What Williams and Frieze are saying here is this: intensified initial courtship behaviors
(chasing) are the result of unrequited love.
The difference between chasing and persistence is that chasing is one-sided interest and highly
emotional, while persistence is largely mutual, and it's largely unemotional.
What's the difference between a man who stands there at the end of a date or the end of the
night, persisting in his insistence that a woman accompany him home, as we discussed in
"Don't Let Her Go," and a man who continues to chase women long after it's clear they
simply aren't interested?
Volumes.
The man who persists at the end of the night doesn't persist because he's deeply, ravishingly in
love with a girl; he persists because he's trained himself to do it. Most men replete with
unrequited love will not insist a girl do ANYTHING; they simply bug her and beg her and
bother her in the hopes that somehow that will change her mind.
And that's the biggest difference between a persistent man and a man chasing women: the
persistent man persists when it COUNTS.
Imagine you meet a girl. She's pretty, flirty, fun. You're really tired the night you meet her; you
had a long day; and you really aren't feeling that great. You guys hit it off, but eventually you
can hardly keep your eyes open, and you decide that, despite this cute girl in front of you, the
only thing you want to do now is go home and hit the hay.
Now let's say it can go in one of two possible directions:
1. You tell her you're leaving, and she says, "No, stay. We're having a great time right
now; I know you're tired but you can sleep later. Let's keep spending time together
right now."
2. You tell her you're leaving, and she says, "Okay." The two of you trade phone
numbers. After you leave, you get a text message from her right away saying how
much she liked meeting you and she hopes she'll see you soon. The next morning you
have a text from her, saying, "Hey, how's it going?" Later she tries calling you to ask
you out, but you're busy. Then you see she added you on Facebook. Suddenly, she's
calling you, texting you, Facebook stalking you, and all the rest.
Which of these girls is more attractive to you?
That example makes it night and day, doesn't it... who wants to be on the receiving end of #2
(if you're currently frustrated with women / feeling a little desperate, you don't count! People
only get into chase dynamics with individuals they can't get, rather than those eager to be with
them)? There are other directions that scenario above could've gone too, of course (e.g., you
leave and she never gets in touch; you leave and the two of you run into each other again later
somewhere else; etc.), but for our purposes I wanted to contrast persistence with chasing for
you there.
Chasing is what's known as unrequited love, although it's really a form of infatuation.
Chasing is NOT love, though many in pursuit of their object of desire will call it that and think
it that. But as we talked about in the article on when you can't stop thinking about her, this
isn't real love, and often you don't even really know HER at ALL... it's simply obsession with
some idealized, fantastical version of her cooked up in your head.
Women know this. They know it isn't them a chasing man wants... it's a fantasy woman that
he's imagined is them.
Sometimes it's initially cute; "Oh how cute, he's really got a thing for me, hasn't he?" Then it's
annoying, once the cuteness wears off. And if it continues on long enough, and becomes
intense enough, it can even become bothersome or scary.
Most men chasing after women never reach the point of things becoming so extreme that it's
an inconvenience to a woman's life or that she actually becomes afraid. But a LOT of men
chase women enough to start annoying them.
Is there a chance you've done this before?
At this point, you've got a handle on what chasing is and why it's bad. Chasing usually happens
when:
those women are going to decide they're the men of their dreams and leap into their
arms. Except... it doesn't work like that.
You're the man, you must lead. That means that if you don't know where you're going...
then you're not going anywhere. You need to be moving girls; you need to be
progressing toward an end point; and you need to be focused on how you'll close an
interaction (e.g., getting a phone number or taking a girl to bed), then doing it and
keeping follow-up contact to a minimum until you're ready for the next step (e.g., the
next time you'll see her).
3. Being willing to walk away and meet someone else. Contrary to what most
chasing men think, women are not a scarce resource. They are abundant; they're
everywhere! A man needs to be prepared to walk away from a woman who will not
come with him; who won't give him her phone number, who won't go on a date with
him, who won't accompany him home, who won't become her lover.
You cannot get every woman you want; in fact, you'll walk away from quite a few.
And that's fine... so long as you continue to meet new girls, because as you meet new
women, you'll learn and refine your process, and get better at persisting right away with
women who are interested in you or on the fence, and dropping girls and moving on
who aren't.
Those three are all huge differences between the man who chases and the man who persists,
but the last one is arguably the biggest: men who persist properly are willing and free to
move on at a moment's notice; men who chase are not.
There's one more thing that persistent men know that chasing men don't, though.
It doesn't take weeks or months or years of pursuing a girl to get her. I can count on one hand
the number of times I've heard a man tell me he chased a girl for a long time and finally got
her, and I've heard thousands of men's stories about the women they got together with. The
long sought romance that finally became real: it doesn't happen.
If a girl likes you, if she has any desire to be with you, it's not going to take a month or more to
happen, unless YOU are really slow. And if you are really slow, she'll almost certainly have
lost interest by the time you get around to doing what you should've done much earlier on, and
she'll be lost (never to return).
Chasing women isn't just annoying for the girl, and futile for you. It wastes your precious
time, in addition to everything else.
You only have a short amount of time on this rock to do the things you want to do. If you
spend months or years of your life pursuing some other human being who has no interest in
you, you might as well have spent that time sitting in a prison cell, or in a coma. It's time
wasted, flushed down the drain, tossed away like yesterday's newspaper. It's gone, and you got
nothing back for it.
She was out partying with some guy she likes, didn't notice or care that you texted her, and you
were sitting at home waiting to hear back, imagining a life together with her.
But you could be out meeting women who like you... women who want you... women it isn't
too late with yet, where you can move faster, take action, and make something real with.
It isn't hard to get together with girls. And if you realize you've put a lot of time into a girl...
you've chased after her... you've worked hard to get her... and you're still nowhere with her
(e.g., you're not lovers, not romantic partners, you're still "working on" her), it's time to cut the
chord.
Back when I was inexperienced in the ways of women and dating, I overheard a conversation
between two men about a girl one of the men had met. "This other guy's been working on her
for a couple of weeks, so I'm not sure if I should go for her since he's already got a head start,"
the first man said.
The second man laughed. "A couple of weeks? Go for her. If that other guy was EVER
going to get her, he'd already HAVE her."
When I heard this, even back then, I knew he was right. All the guys I'd seen "working on"
girls... all the girls I'd spent time "working on"... it never worked out. The girls you got were
the ones it happened relatively quickly with... and if it didn't happen within a few weeks
max, it didn't happen.
So don't waste time, and don't make things harder than they need to be. Life's too short to
spend your ticking clock on people who don't want to be with you. Spend it on the ones who
do - and on finding them, if there aren't any around at the moment. And, move fast and take
action - you've got better things to do than chase around some girl who's busy living her life
while you dream idle dreams of her.
Persist - but don't chase.
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Hey George,
On 1, it's chasing if you keep investing in the pursuit without making anything happen. If you
disappear and go cold for a while, then come back strong, it may not be chasing, but once she
knows you like her, you've got a limited escalation window to make something happen, and
then it's gone.
On 2, she sounds like she REALLY likes you and is heavily invested in you, and is angry that
you're not sleeping with her yet. Essentially, she's straddling auto-rejection. When you start
getting, "Look how much I've done for you!" it means she feels like she's not getting the
romance / sex / relationship from you she wants. Next time she gets angry, if you want to try
something really ballsy, try just staring at her for 4 or 5 seconds, letting the tension build with
you not saying anything and her not saying anything, and then just grab her and kiss her. It
might make her even MORE pissed off, or it might lead to some really wild passion... hard to
say until you do it.
One note though - you've already set pretty bad precedent here by demanding a lot (tons of
compliance) without rewarding (sex), which means if you end up in any kind of relationship
with this girl, it's going to be flawed from the outset... so I recommend against that. Even
sleeping with her... if she's this invested in you at this point, she's going to expect a LOT. You
won't be starting off casual with her, unless you're prepared to weather some large scale drama.
She feels like you're hers already, and she earned you, and you aren't putting out / holding up
your end of the bargain.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Hi George,
Based on what you told me before, I assumed she was interested:
Seducing the Boss
But from what you're saying here, with how long it's dragged out and what's been said, it
sounds like she just enjoys flirting with you and is getting a kick out of it. The "If we're going
to sleep together, we might as well date; but we can't date, because I'm your boss!" line. If
you've tried everything you can think of and it hasn't worked, it's time to write her off as a flirt
and not an actual girl who's interested in you and start meeting new women.
She's probably somewhat interested in you, but she's firmly in control. Nothing's going to
change until you start dating other women and she realizes she's got some competition and her
flirtation no longer has you under its spell.
Cheers,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
George,
You're getting it man - if this comment's any indication, you're almost there.
The "spell" thing is really a battle of wills right now. She's trying to get you wrapped up,
you're trying to get her wrapped up. I call it a "spell" because you're clearly spending a lot of
time thinking about her and a lot of time working on her. It may well be she's under your spell
as well. But it's not a healthy dynamic for either of you, because you're just frustrating one
another.
Telling her you're going to knock off the games and telling her to step up or step out is exactly
the right call. It's the only way you get free of the B.S. and the back and forth - communicating
to her, "Look, we can hang out, or we can not hang out, but if we're not going to hang out I
don't want to keep spending time on this, it's purposeless," (maybe not in those words, but to
that effect) is what you need to do.
Call her on her bluff - she's either going to get together with you, or you're going to find out it's
only fun and games for her, and you'll turn your attentions elsewhere.
And she won't KNOW you have other women (unless she sees it, or you tell her), but she'll
pick up on the behavioral differences between George who's only spending time with her, and
George who's sleeping with a couple of new hotties he's just met and for whom this girl is
becoming increasingly old news.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Hi Flames,
Quick tip on the excessive push / pull things: that's typically because you're being a tad too
competitive with women, and they're responding in kind. Better way: if she starts acting
competitive, don't compete. Just act bored: "Yeah, well..." look off to the side. Make her
understand she's losing you by acting that way. If it's happening late in a seduction, it's moving
backwards, which you need to discourage.
Knowing a girl likes you: I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I think girls are just checking
you out / looking you up and down and you pick up on it subconsciously. The brain is
amazingly sensitive to eye contact, even from a distance; you can stare into someone's eyes
from across a huge, crowded room and they will immediately notice and lock eyes with you.
I've had plenty of times I've stared at the back of people's heads and had them snap around and
stare back (don't ask me how THAT one works). So most likely she's checking you out, tilting
her body in your direction, playing with her hair, and your brain picks up on it and says, "That
girl there. That girl likes you."
The girl you work with, sounds like she's trying to get you chasing her. She likes you, probably
isn't 100% sure what she wants with you yet, but figures she'll give you proximity and see if
you'll do anything with it. It'll stop after a while if you never do anything, and then she'll get
cold and a little short with you, or just shift to neutral, depending on how much she likes you
and how bad she's hoping you'll take action.
Best,
Chase
Hey Sam,
Sounds like a missed window here. In the post on breaking the ice / reducing tension (this one:
" How to Break the Ice: 5 Surefire Ways to Entice Her," I talked some about the effect kissing
on the mouth has on a woman's sex desire: essentially, it douses the flames of passion, unless
executed perfectly and she's left wanting (much) more.
I wouldn't worry too much about how she's dressed. If you haven't seen the post on how to tell
if a girl is horny, check that one out; a big part of it is, if a girl wants sex with a guy, much of
the time she won't put in any extra effort. There was a female commenter I quoted on there
who noted that she wasn't going to bother putting in extra time to get all dressed up for some
guy she was just going to sleep with.
Essentially, if you're not going to sleep with her immediately after, in the same place you
kissing her, don't kiss her. Wait until you get her alone - your odds go up dramatically that way
(both of getting her back to your place, and of actually getting together with her when you do).
Cheers,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Hey Roscoe,
That's a tough call. You can sometimes try and pretend the fumble never happened and keep
moving on with her per usual, but much of the time your "cover is blown" and she now sees
you as a nice guy / friend zone candidate / boyfriend candidate who was only imitating a sexy
lover type.
If you take time off and reconnect though, that only gives her time to have that impression gel
in her mind. The only way to do a full reset is for her to see you doing well with other women
and restore your male sexuality in her eyes.
There's no really great option here, but for my money the best bet is usually soldiering on and
pushing for her to meet up and just moving it forward as solidly and continuously as you can.
Sometimes you'll get her out and she'll keep moving forward with you despite the earlier
fumbles. Much of the time she'll be resistant though, as the terms of the engagement have been
reset (before, it might've been that you were skeptical and she was competing for your interest;
now it's that she is skeptical, and you're competing for hers).
My take would be go for it now, make no more mistakes, but realize that you've rolled
downhill and now you're fighting uphill on this one. Try it, learn from it, and do things better
with the next girl.
Best,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Hey Sam,
What's you're basically saying you want is a woman who takes it slow with you and views you
as, essentially, a husband candidate. That's when girls will dress up, refuse to take things fast,
and let it unfold over time.
The great news, I suppose, is that almost every woman is open to this: you've simply got to
date women the way a regular guy does - e.g., wine and dine her, take her out to fancy dinners,
make it an occasion.
Women will treat you how they think you are for them.
You meet a girl and she's dressed up great, and then you plan a move-fast date at the local dive
bar, she won't dress like a million bucks for that, but she may well end up in bed with you.
You meet a girl and she's dressed up great, and then you plan a take-it-slow date at Chez Ritz,
the local 5-star Italian restaurant, and she'll show up in heel-to-toe glamour. Zero chance of her
coming home with you, but her expectations will be that you're courting her as a potential
wife, and she will put on the display you're looking for. She's not going to go to bed with you
any time soon, but she will give you time to let things unfold because you're competing for the
husband role, and this is a lot more serious to her than a quick fling, where it is, essentially,
"now-or-never."
It's all in the expectations you set and the environment you create for her. If you want her to
dress up and slow game it, you have to set the proper expectations for that first (husband, not
fast moving, etc.).
Cheers,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Hey Garrett,
Any time you almost sleep with a girl... then don't... it's usually done. Best call to make when
that happens is have zero contact with her until it's time to set up another meet, and if she won't
come out walk away.
You've made yourself pretty valuable to her life in the meantime as a friend and texting
partner. Coupled with the fact that the escalation failed, you're probably friend zoned. Still,
meet up with her, try and take her to bed, and see what happens. If it doesn't work this time I'd
suggest you walk away before you get caught up investing more time in the girl, though, and
just make sure you close things out with the next girl.
I haven't had many failed escalations in some time, but when I do, I never contact the girl
again after anymore. Failed mating typically results in an automatic write-off from the girl, and
it's best (for your own sake) if you start viewing it that way, too (otherwise you can waste a
LOT of time on girls who've written you off as a mate but still want you as a friend / supporter
because you feel like you were oh-so-close).
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Hey Nem,
This one's a pretty tough call because in my experience the normal slow-dating process doesn't
work 95% of the time, but she's a girl at work and you've already got strong emotions for her,
which means you probably won't be able to fast-game it and she may have a lot of reservations
if you try, anyway.
Sure, try and get some leadership and momentum going moving it from one venue to another,
that's a good start. You seem like you're on a more traditional dating trajectory here, and this
one's Date #2. Museum => Dinner + Drinks seems solid, and then you can do cooking her
dinner at your place for Date #3. Or, if you want to be extra certain, one more dinner outside
for Date #3, in a more casual place, and really get a sexual vibe going, but you end the night
first and leave her wanting it bad. Then on Date #4 have her over for dinner, and take her as
your lover.
Hey M,
Girls can chase guys for weeks or months, absolutely, although it's pretty rare that it goes
longer than that, just since your average girl has a LOT more options than your average guy (to
eventually distract her / take over her attentions), and because women are waiting for men to
take action usually, they're a lot more prone to auto-rejection (whereas the guy keeps thinking,
"I've just got to wait for the RIGHT MOMENT!" pretty much forever).
So yeah, you can get her to chase for a while... but sooner or later, she'll get angry and give up
on you, or some other guy will come along and sweep her off her feet.
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Hey Vaughn,
Ultimately it's about how invested she feels she is vs. how invested she feels you are. So if
she's already done a lot, it's fine. If she drives and you pick up the tab and nothing else
happens, it feels like the two of you are on equal footing, which means friends, normally
(women want a man they view as stronger than them / an authority figure, etc.). However, if
she drives, does a lot of other things for you, and THEN you pick up the tab, it can be okay.
Just remember that it's not about any actual concrete thing (e.g., NEVER pay money, or
anything silly like that), but rather about the overall feel of the interaction.
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Hey DM,
Try this one on for size: just start escalating with her on the sofa. At some point she'll either be
so into it you can just pick her up and carry her to the bed (and toss her on it - tons of fun!), or
you can just sleep with her on the couch.
If you have roommates and they're there / you're worried about them coming home, either give
them a heads up, or take the girl straight to your room to look at something on your computer /
watch a movie on your computer, etc. If she asks why not the living room, just tell her your
roommie's coming back soon and he always watches The Shield or some other show that no
woman on Earth wants to watch when he gets home.
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Howdy Joe,
Great to see you working on moving fast and getting fast escalation down. You probably
could've had this girl, but for the making out. See the notes on kissing in the post on how to
break the ice.
Essentially, kissing acts as a sexual tension release - once you've kissed her in public, the odds
she goes home with you / sleeps with you go down dramatically. It's also somewhat of a
commencement of mating, and can count as a "failed mating attempt" unless she perceives
YOU as the one having broken it off. If SHE broke it off, she'll backwards rationalize it as not
being very interested in you (it's an emotional thing). Once mating's failed, you quickly get
written off as "not a guy I want to sleep with," and women will move it quickly to being just
friends.
So, I'd be very surprised if past boyfriends are the reason why she doesn't want to date YOU.
Remember that if she's dating guys who treated her like crap, they're probably also guys who
don't care much about women, and probably picked her up fast by default. That's what she's
used to, that's what she likes, and any guy who isn't a fast-moving asshole who treats her like
crap gets written off as weak / friends material.
Best bet here if you really want her is to just tell her something like, "I like you, but I'm not
really interested in being friends with you. Let's talk if you want to hang out sometime,
though," which sounds asshole-ish, but a girl who dates bad guys isn't looking for a nice guy to
save her... she's looking for another bad guy. I've pulled this same move on girls with similar
relationship histories, and they eat it up. They whine and complain, you cut them off for a
month or so, and when they come back to you suddenly they're desperate to be with you.
So, you say that, then, do cut her off, until you have another chance to move fast with her
again sometime - but that time, don't kiss her, just get her alone and make things happen.
Fair warning, you probably won't want to date her though. Women who make great
relationship partners tend to date MEN who make great relationship partners, whereas troubled
people attract troubled partners. She'll be a handful in a relationship, and not in a good way.
Posted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 29 November 2012
Hey Tony,
Yeah, that's kind of an unusual one - inviting you to join her family for Thanksgiving? Could
be she really liked you, or could be he parents were pressing her about having a boyfriend and
she needed a stand-in to get them off her back. Hard to say.
It sounds to me like she showed up first to butter you up ("Oh, what a nice unexpected surprise
visit!") then to ask you to help her out, without calling it that ("Come to Thanksgiving and get
my parents off my back!"). If she's unresponsive / excuse-making about texts, that means she's
already got a full life and things going on that are more important to her than you - could be
she's doing casual relationships with guys, dating a guy her parents wouldn't like, dating a girl,
etc.
Or, could've just been she wanted you as a boyfriend and moved things quickly to position you
as that. But, once a girl's family approves strongly of you, it can actually be a big dampener on
attraction if you haven't solidified a strong sexual connection first, so that's also a possibility.
Your best bet is probably to fall off the map for a while. If she genuinely liked you, her family
will bug her about you and it'll make her want to get back in touch. If she didn't, then you can
just move on and find women who aren't a hassle replying to you.
Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 2 December 2012
Howdy Anon,
Absolutely. You can definitely still win with women over the long term, with enough
persistence and wearing them down, but it DOES have to be completely non-needy. I've heard
a few stories from women who've ended up with men this way so I know it exists (haven't met
guys personally who've used this approach successfully).
The reason I don't talk about it here is it takes a guy who's both 1) non-needy with the girls he's
persisting with and 2) interested enough / naturally flirtatious enough to continue persisting
with women without getting attached to them or chasing them over the long haul, and that's a
pretty tough mix for guys who are learning to come by.
However, once a guy reaches that point where he is truly not needy or attached to the women
he's pursuing and he isn't going to lay there awake at night trying to figure out how to get her,
then he's fine to flirt with her whenever he sees her... and eventually land her.
Comes down to the old adage about mastering something: you get good enough, eventually
most of the rules stop applying to you.
by Chase Amante
Sunday, 24 October 2010
Every time I hear of other mens efforts to get intimate with women theyve brought home,
they seem to have these elaborate places filled with all forms of entertainment and ways of
engaging women and things to occupy them and give them something to do.
Guys bring girls home and get them playing Nintendo Wii together. Or they play some game
like Jenga (I remember when this was a big craze on the West Coast a year back or so any
guy who wanted to be successful with women had to get a Jenga!). And then, presumably after
beating their date at a few rounds of Wii Sports, they make their move and go to get intimate.
To me, this has always seemed like a lot of work. Early on, I had travel souvenirs that I would
show to girls; but even then, Id dive right into getting physical with them as quickly as
possible. I noticed soon into my seduction career that the longer I took to get physical
with women, the more awkward tension there was with them and the less sexual tension
there was with them. The more time taken, the more awkwardness generated.
I had some sexy board games Id purchased after seeing them at a friends place and thinking
they were a nice complement for his room. But, I never ended up playing them with girls.
Occasionally a girl would notice them and asked about them, but ironically Id never end up
getting together with the women who did.
What I ultimately found was that games, movies, all these other things men use to
progress with women really are just distractions. A few of them music, TV / movies if
theyre playing in the background can be helpful. They give a woman something to focus her
logical mind on while she seeks to disengage it from steering her emotions. But even these, if
theyre too engaging if the music is too exciting, or the movie too interesting can be overly
distracting.
The problem with distractions is that they distract. When you have a girl at your place, yes,
playing Jenga may very well get her laughing and comfortable. If you dont know how to do
that with conversation, its helpful. Laughing and comfortable, however, is quite a bit different
from sexual. Check out Why Fun is a Seduction Killer; just like in making dates too fun,
guys who make their place a fun zone run the very real risk of taking their womens focus
off of getting close with them, and onto just having fun playing games and watching
entertaining movies and relaxing.
In my opinion, its worth taking the risk of a slightly lower closing percentage earlier in your
seduction career by forgoing fun in order to force yourself to develop the ability to put women
at ease on your own and develop a sexual vibe on your own sans props. It may take you a few
girls at your place to figure out how to make them comfortable, but once you have it down,
youll get intimate with women far more easily and far more consistently than the men who
rely upon props to distract and entertain. You yourself are the only prop you need.
to be familiar and routine, and the less and less nervous youll be in it. Having a set process
and steps to follow helps a great deal too know what youre there to do (e.g., a big rule for
me these days is that in most circumstances I will aim to kiss a girl within five to ten minutes
of bringing her back to my place knowing youll do something like that goes a long way
toward eliminating uncertainty and thus anxiety).
Conversation is crucial too. The most crucial aspect of it? Not doing too much of it.
What do most people do when theyre uncomfortable? They blab on and on, thinking that if
they talk enough, it will dissipate the discomfort. But thats no good it actually makes things
worse. Want to make women feel more comfortable? Limit conversation only to the most
important things you need to talk about. Maybe use a shred of wit here, a little rapport there.
But mostly, keep the conversation to a minimum. Conversation and seduction occur at
different levels different kinds of energy and vibe. You want to make sure youre on the one
most necessary for what you want to accomplish, and thats achieving intimacy.
One other important thing about making women comfortable being alone with you is avoiding
pursuing them. This is a big one. If a guy brings a girl back to her place and then starts
pursuing her, trying to get her to do something with him, it puts a great deal of pressure on her
in a situation where she doesnt have an easy exit, and it can make her quite uncomfortable.
Instead, you want to be suave and chill. Rather than pursue, youll lean back, give your girl
killer eye contact, and draw her into you. Do things like physically yanking her into you, up
against your body; grabbing her and tossing her on the sofa or the bed (which is actually
physically pushing her away, in a very powerful way); and taking her head in your hand and
guiding her into a kiss with you using manhandle kisses where necessary.
Dont chase after her. Rather, draw her into your world. Doing so will make her eminently
more comfortable than the Nintendo Wii and Jenga guys who try to switch from fun mode to
sexy mode. Start off sexy from the start, and youll find things progress a lot more
smoothly.
by Alek Rolstad
Saturday, 14 June 2014
As promised, I will now share a practical technique built on the theory of sexual prizing.
Before I begin however, I would like to mention that this post is rather advanced. This is good news for
our more experienced readers, but for those of you who are beginners/intermediates, I highly
recommend you read my three previous posts that build up to this one:
Standards
Qualification
These posts will work as pillars for the technique I am about to share with you. You will soon see why
and how this all applies.
Although in theory reading these posts beforehand isnt required, I very much recommend it.
Reading them will give you a better, deeper, and broader understanding of the concept I am about to
share with you.
Finally, keep in mind that this is an advanced (yet very efficient) technique, which means that having
some in-field experience with women might be necessary in order to be able to pull this off properly.
Still, if you dont have that experience, read this post, and try it out and maybe fail anyway it just
might make you better. What I am really saying though is that you should not be too hard on yourself if
you are a freshman with women and this doesnt work as youd expected.
Sexual Qualification
With qualification we mean qualifying a girl in the sense that we are trying to make her fit our
standards. Since having standards is an attractive thing, not only is qualification a good technique for
building attraction, but its also a way to screen for the right women while somewhat forcing them to
display desirable personality traits.
You are very cute, but are you adventurous?
That is an example of a qualification. Asking such a question to women has multiple benefits (the
benefits of qualification):
1. You find out whether or not she is an adventurous woman or not (yet).
2. If she doesnt qualify (i.e., she claims she is not an adventurous woman) you can disqualify her
(you are not adventurous thats sad I just started to really dig you) in order to force her to
qualify. Most of the time this works, because women will often display the sides of their
personalities that they believe are attractive.
3. You get an idea of whether or not she is into you. If she qualifies take it as a sign of interest.
If she doesnt after multiple attempts from your side move on.
4. You create an its on moment! If she qualifies, you suddenly have an excuse to give her a
compliment without being creepy.
5. It puts you into a position of being the chased one, with her chasing.
All in all, you make women suit your standards.
If she says she is, she has qualified to your standard and you can consider it her sign of interest.
If she doesnt, you disqualify her: Oh, thats really sad , forcing her to qualify, and if she does, it is
also a good sign (even better actually as it shows she is into you, as she is willing to fit your
standards).
Do you want a girl who is a total freak in bed or just a little adventurous? A girl who is open about her
sexuality or a little bit more discreet?
Think about it: if you find a girl that fits your sexual needs, wouldnt that make your sex life 100
times better? Maybe you should consider making your sexual standards a priority for when you pick
up women.
But not only do these standards make your sex life better, it also makes you way more attractive! A man
with standards when it comes to what sex he seeks is obviously a man who:
Gets laid a lot (preselection women get attracted to men who are being chased by multiple
women)
Is probably less judgemental (men who gets laid a lot do not see sex as a big deal)
Sexually open
Has sexual preferences (depending on what I feel like doing that night: BDSM,
exhibitionism, etc)
Now, you might think that a girl looking for romance is sexy if you are looking for a relationship well,
without derailing, I would say that women who want romance before sex are women who seek to
control your balls and that that kind of thing rarely leads to a healthy relationship (I can write more
about this if required).
However, when you disqualify her, you have to make it really clear that there is something else you find
attractive in order for her to have something to qualify back to. Let me exemplify this:
Alek: So if I get it right, you are sweet, feminine, and sexy! Nice. But are you a sexual girl? Sexual
girls are hot.
Linda: Thank you, no I am not that sexual, I am more into love and relationships. To me sex is more
of a romance thing.
Alek: Well, I agree that sex within relationships is nice, yet I think it would be weird for you to deny
that you as a woman dont seek sexual pleasure just for the sake of trading orgasms. Remember, we are
all human beings and sex feels good, so we all seek it. Are you sure there is not a little dirty beast within
you? I think there is, and I find that hot.
Linda: Well okay, there might be a little sexy dirty beast in me
You can see here how I would turn down her attempt to display purity and then convince her that her
true sexual side is something attractive that she should not hide. This way she knows that I dont seek
purity (i.e., asexual women) and that I dont find sexually open girls (or slutty girls, if you like)
unattractive. I communicate to her that I want her to be a sexual beast:
Alek: You seem like a perfect girl, but you don't seem freaky enough...
Marit: I can be freaky. if I feel like it.
Reward Her
However, if she is qualifying, or already shows signs that she is suiting your standards, you probably
want to keep it that way; in other words, motivate her to continue in this direction.
Reward her for being sexual.
If the girl keeps showing signs that she suits your standards, take that as a good sign. REWARD HER
FOR IT! You do so by showing appreciation and complimenting her honesty, while also appreciating
her sexuality.
Like for example telling her how attractive she is when she is so sexually open. This will end up with
her remaining sexually open toward you. It also removes some anti-slut defence, and you have now
hopefully logically programmed her to believe that being slutty is attractive.
Examples:
Linn: Yeah, well you only live once you know, why not just release yourself?
Alek: That was the most charming thing I've heard tonight! Oh my god! Women are so sexy when they
are in touch with their feminine nature!
Hanna: Oh heck yeah, there is so much bad sex out there... I want some dirty stuff you know? Its more
exciting.
Alek: Woooooord!!!!! I find it really exciting experimenting with stuff myself, it makes sex
more enjoyable.
Think about it: if a girl tells you directly how much she loves sex (or oral sex, anal, threesomes)
after just qualifying her, then you are not far from getting her to bed. A girl admitting to being a horny
dirty girl is a girl that is most likely ready for you.
But, in some cases, you cannot really go crazy right away. It is always smart to start qualifying her on
something not too kinky or personal. For example, do not do something like this right after entering a
conversation:
Alek: Does a beautiful girl like you enjoy anal sex?
Dina: Get away from me creep.
Now, although such a thing can work very efficiently, it is still high risk/high reward. You will fail most
of the time. What I recommend to play it safer is to start of very lightly (qualify on something non-sexual
at first?) and then spice it up relative to her level of interest and receptiveness. Let me demonstrate:
At first let us start out with something light. You just met a girl, and youve just been talking with her for
5 minutes.
Alek: You seem interesting are you spontaneous? (Indirectly sexual)
Karina: Yes, sometimes I am.
Alek: Thats sexy. I like spontaneous people.
Now a few minutes later you can spice it up. This time the girl will also give some resistance in order to
complicate things and exemplify better.
Alek: You seem like a perfect girl: interesting, spontaneous, and very charismatic. Yet I need to ask,
are you a sexually open girl? I love sexually open girls, because they are one with their feminine nature.
(Trying to qualify)
Karina: Thank you, well, I am not a slut! (Not qualifying)
Alek: Honestly, I understand that men fear sexually liberated women. They fear female sexuality, but I
embrace it and love it. You can act as pure as you can, it wont matter because I wont believe you.
You are a female and females love sex and that is what makes their presence so exciting in my opinion.
I love women for being sexual being, but I love them even more when they are honest about it.
(Disqualifying - forcing her to qualify)
Karina: Finally someone who understands it.
Alek: So are you sure you are not a little freaky? A sexy little freak? (Trying to re-qualify)
Karina: Okay, maybe a little. (she qualifies)
Now, you have maybe isolated her and been escalating and things are getting hot:
Alek: So tell me you sexy little freak (thats where we left off previously, right) are you into dirty
stuff as in sex? I find such a thing not only exciting but also fascinating. I guess you have your kinks
right? (Qualifier)
Karina: Yes of course I do have some, but I am not that kinky. (Not fully qualifying)
Alek: Thats sad, because the kinkier you are, the hotter you are! (Disqualifying forcing her to qualify)
Karina: I didnt tell what kinks I had. (Qualifying)
Alek: Ah nice, I am indeed curious, for instance, I love oral sex I think its so hot. (Trying to
qualify further)
Karina: Yeah, I love oral sex too (Qualifying)
You get the idea. At least from what you can see in this example, this is rather efficient.
by Ricardus Domino
Friday, 27 July 2012
Many people believe that it doesnt matter much what you say to a girl when you chat her up that
93% of all communication is nonverbal anyway, and that the words are just filler. Thus, any sexual
frame you employ should be more focused on your body language and less so on your words they just
arent as important, goes the thinking.
This is a misunderstanding of Mehrabians study, which showed that somebodys body language and
tone of voice account for 93% of our LIKING for that person it does not, however, mean that the
spoken word only convey 7% of the meaning of any communication.
Liking is also largely irrelevant when it comes to seduction girls will often sleep with and even get into
relationship with guys that they dont particularly like attraction beats liking, hand over fist, every time.
And if it was true that words only conveyed 7% of whats being communicated, it should be perfectly
possible to watch a movie in a foreign language and still understand 93% of what is being said
Try that some time. :)
If it was true, it should also be possible to tell a girl to bugger off and get a 93% similar response as
when telling her that shes pretty.
There is, however, a more subtle reason why words matter and that reason is frames, and the
implications of what is being said.
So what are frames and frame control now?
Well, lets look at some examples.
Frame Game
A frame might be defined as the contextual meaning a communication takes on based on how it is
presented.
For example, one person might look at outsourcing as a bad thing because he lost his job to someone in
India. His boss, on the other hand, probably sees outsourcing in quite a different light, as it saves him a
lot of money on wages every week it may even save his company from bankruptcy.
Now lets twist the frame around a bit more what if we look at the situation from the perspective of
the Indian worker? He is now working remotely for a company in the West and makes three times as
much as he would in a local job
Or, we could reframe the Western workers situation as a great opportunity. Sure, he lost his job but
isnt he now finally free to pursue his true passion, start a business, and even get rich himself?
He might even end up hiring people himself, both in the West and in Asia
or, he might decide that his life is over, apply for social security and spend the rest of his days under a
bridge.
Its completely up to him and the same set of circumstances takes on a completely different
meaning, depending on the angle we look at it from.
That angle is the frame and the frame we set, the meaning we give things, creates our reality.
This is why frame control is not only a powerful tool of persuasion, but one of THE most important life
skills.
The Sexual Frame: Framing for Seduction
Just like outsourcing can be seen as a good or a bad thing, depending on ones frame, so can things that
are more useful to our pursuits such as having sex the first night of meeting someone, or even after 15
minutes.
Think about it 50 years ago, sex on the first date was almost universally seen as wrong 100 years
ago, even premarital sex was considered bad and to this day, there are still cultures and societies
who would agree with that.
The difference?
Nothing but the frame.
This difference in frames is also the reason why some girls will be open to going home with you at the
first opportunity they see their own sexuality in a positive light and have no hang-ups about it.
(By the way, labeling negative views about sex a hang-up is a frame in itself and a useful one use
it!)
Other girls, however, arent as open-minded about casual sex at the first encounter they may be worried
about their reputation, they may fear being judged by you or by their peers, or they may simply buy into
some of societys old-fashioned ideas (frames) about how a decent lady is supposed to act.
Therefore, 80% of getting a girl to sleep with you, especially on the first night, comes down to her
agreement to a sexual frame.
Youre starting to see how useful this skill can be!
The reason why you have to frame sexuality in a positive light is simple most people ALREADY have
default frames about sex in their minds, and these frames usually come from society or religion, and are
therefore often negative.
However, there are two TYPES of negative frames a girl might have about sex - internal and external
ones.
1. External frames are those imposed by society that she doesn't like. Sexual framing gets around
those.
I've had TWO virgins come over to my place, explicitly for nothing but casual sex (!), because I
out-framed the negative ideas their teachers and priests had put into their minds these girls
WANTED to be naughty.
I once picked up a girl who was on her way to church, bible in-hand, and slept with her on the
first date. She talked about Jesus before we got down to the action, but I was easily able to outframe these ideas because she didn't LIKE the limitations her priest had set her.
The basic idea of sexual framing is FREEING HER from the limitations society has imposed on her
and her sexual expression.
2. Internal frames, on the other hand, are those (in this case negative) beliefs about sex that
a girl actually LIKES.
This one is a tall hurdle. It would take more than a few hours (probably months) to exert
big enough an influence to undo someones core beliefs.
Ive once had a former friend with benefits that I hadn't slept with in a year get back in touch
with me, and she plain refused to sleep with me the first time we met again "Because it's the
1st date again, and I don't do that... next time."
She knew it would have been okay after all, wed had sex before.
But, she didn't WANT to hook up the first night... it was an INTERNAL frame.
There are also girls who consider religion more important than anything else in life and if
she is truly convinced that she will go to hell if she sleeps with you before you guys get
married, chances are it wont happen.
I had negative INTERNAL frames about sex at the time, and I know the girls couldn't have out-framed
them these frames WERE no external limitation I needed to be freed from, but an INTERNAL belief
whats more, they were an internal belief that was probably at identity level at the time, and you cant
change identity level beliefs without tackling changing someones identity at the same time - and
THATS a tall order, no matter how you cut it.
Marriage and Framing
Now, the biggest proponents of framing always cite the example of marriage as proof of its power, and
to show how irrelevant a womans objections to a sexual encounter really are.
After all, what objection to short time frame sex would be more real and solid than that of her
being married?
Shes risking a divorce, plus a host of social and financial repercussions, should she get caught.
The distinction between internal and external frames solves this mystery her objections to cheating on
her husband are EXTERNAL frames. If shes been married for a while, shes probably not as attracted to
her partner anymore as she used to be (see the post on the 2 Year Drop).
The limitation of her freedom to experience an adventure and hook up with a new man are EXTERNAL
barriers, imposed on her by society barriers that she WANTS to be freed from, because she is no
longer in love with her husband.
And if shes tipsy and just had a fight with him, then all bets are off
On the other hand, if she just got married last week and is still madly in love with her husband, then
her marriage is an INTERNAL obstacle to hooking up with you its nothing she wants to be freed from,
and your framing is not going to have much of an effect.
Conclusion
The sexual frame is VERY powerful and it is THE most important instrument in my tool box.
And, you should always ASSUME that any objections she might have to sexuality are EXTERNAL frames.
Ignore negative frames she might set (dont even debate them), and instead free her from societys
limitations with the frames YOU set.
However, if you run into a girl that you cant get agreement on a sexual frame with, dont berate
yourself too much either some people have a very conservative world view and hold on to it
very tightly you dont need to beat your head against the wall.
There is another girl around the corner who looks just like her, but whos a lot more open minded.
Easiest way to create a sexual frame. When you are talking to a girl, no matter where you are, after you
have introduced yourself. Pause and look at her with squinted eyes. Say "you know what, you seem like
a really nice girl, but I sense a naughty side" Most girls will deny being naughty and you can say "I know
your tricks missy" "you are definitely the black lace kind of girl" Girls love this game of pretending to be
innocent but secretly being naughty. They can sense when a guy knows her desires and plays the game.
Its kind of like checkers where you can set up your moves to force an opponent into a corner. And when
you travel the board (play the game) you work your way to get kings. When you have kings you can
move anywhere you want.
See how I made the frame of her seeming a good girl but having that naughty side deep down? And the
more she plays along, the farther you can go. Now there will come a point where you might have to say,
"ok you are innocent until proven guilty, but I'm the judge and the jury in this town with a big hammer.
Guilty as charged. Hope you look cute in an orange jumpsuit"
Another sexual frame: Society is crazy! Today, I saw a huge group of people shouting sex is evil and they
looked so angry. I think as long as two people feel connected and attracted to each other sex natural. I
am a man who can keep a secret.
Now if she really thinks sex is evil because of her personal beliefs, then you might want to move on to a
different girl. But most girls feel like sex is natural and as long as its discreet and they feel emotion
towards a man, sex will happen.
by Ricardus Domino
Thursday, 18 October 2012
One of the themes that keeps coming up on this site is framing and more specifically,
sexual framing.
We've covered this topic before in posts like Chase Framing and my original post on the
sexual frame, and Im returning to it here to answer some of the questions guys had for me over
on sexual frame post #1 and flesh out the how-to of sexual framing a bit more.
In terms of your fundamentals, it is really THE most important skill, because it determines the
meaning of everything you say, and hence the impact of your words and therefore also the
outcome of all your interactions!
Once youre at ninja level with your verbal frame control skills, you can put any kind of
stamp on any interaction with women or with anyone else, really.
You can turn any conversation sexual, which also means that you can turn almost any
relationship sexual.
By the same token, you can also turn any conversation into a monogamous relationship, if you
so choose.
BUT heres the problem:
If you DONT understand framing if you DONT have this skill down PAT, you will
STILL be setting frames, but without being aware of it... because every word out of your
mouth comes with a frame.
That means that you will accidentally set relationship frames when you really just want to hook
up with a girl.
It also means that you will sometimes even accidentally set conflicting frames, which usually
leads to girls feeling that somethings a bit fishy here and thats one of the main reasons
why girls will drop you at some point, even if things were apparently going great.
And the challenge is that frames can be a pretty abstract topic I know for me, it took me quite
a while to really wrap my head around it.
Many guys even consider framing to be an advanced skill but it doesnt have to be.
As I said, youre already setting frames as it is all it takes is some understanding to make sure
you set the right frames the ones that will lead to the outcome you want, be it sex with the girl
in front of you tonight, or a fulfilling long-term relationship with the girl of your dreams.
If one of the guys is looking for a wife and thinks that only people who dont respect
themselves hook up the first night, his words will betray that even if he doesnt say it
explicitly.
If the other guy enjoys his freedom and is just out to have fun, if he values female
sexuality and is non-judgmental about it, people will pick up on that fact as well.
When the girl in our example above speaks to guy #1, she might well fall in line with his frame
and agree with him. She might tell him that she would never have sex with a guy the first night,
because thats slutty and disgusting.
The same girl might talk to guy #2 an hour later and go home with him to have sex, though.
Since pretty much all people have both a wild, sexual side to their personalities, as well as an
appropriate, decent side that they show in public and under the scrutiny of societys eyes,
hooking up with a girl the first night is simply a matter of drawing out the wild side that
she is hiding beneath the respectable exterior.
I understand all the frames thanks to this article but i dont fully understand how to
communicate them without me coming off as a jerk if you could make another article
or leave a comment I would be thankful
This is a simple but very important question, because William hits the nail on the head here
talking about communication of the frame: sexual framing need to be set with just the right
degree of subtlety.
If youre not sexual enough, or if you deliver the frames as some sort of joke, it wont hit.
On the other hand, if you take the sexual frames too far, you will only come across as a horny
boy or maybe even as a creepy guy.
So how can you strike the right balance?
The first thing to realize is that in the context of other topics, youre probably already
setting frames left and right.
For example, if you have a conversation about politics or spirituality with a friend, you probably
hold certain beliefs about those topics and your words will reflect that, even when you dont
directly talk about these beliefs.
And thats how you want to set sexual frames as well through a conversation that indirectly
reflects what you believe in.
This is also the reason why inner game and work on your own beliefs comes first. As long as
youre still judgmental about female sexuality yourself, you wont be able to communicate
sexual frames congruently.
You will be stuck having to be the relationship guy. And even if what you WANT is a
relationship, you will be stuck with every girl you meet pretending to be conservative and pure
simply to not flip your this girl isnt relationship material switch, and youll never know what
shes really like and shell know it.
Theres little that affects a womans respect for a man in a relationship like knowing that he
thinks shes something shes not. When a sexual guy comes along who can make her feel like
shes truly free to be herself around him, you may very well be in trouble if shes been walking
on eggshells around you to maintain your conception of her as chaste and pure.
You dont want to be that guy. You want to be the other guy - the one shes comfortable enough
feeling she will not be judged that she can actually be totally honest with.
In a nutshell: its not the frame that makes the man sexual its the sexual man who sets the
right frame for hooking up quickly.
The more experienced you are, the more you will do this properly, and automatically.
This works on girls too if you compliment a girl on how open-minded and adventurous
she is, she will realize that you value that trait, and if she likes you, align herself more
with it. Very useful if you have naughty plans for the evening!
3. Qualify her on the frame you want her in. Rather than setting the frame, you test her
on it: is she the jealous type? The clingy type? Does she gossip? Is she judgmental? And
so forth just subtly weave it into your conversation or your stories but if you
want a girl to be independent, a very good way of getting her to act independently is to
tell her that you really like independent girls, and then make her jump through that hoop.
Cialdinis book Influence talks about this one, and he calls it the Commitment and
Consistency influence trigger: people are much more likely to behave in a way that they
have made a commitment to, even if it was only a small verbal commitment.
4. Cold read the frame. Simply tell her something like: I can tell that you are xyz type of
girl, with xyz being the frame you would like to set. You want to give her a reason
you could root it in her body language, her behaviorisms or even her star sign. If shes
attracted, she wont argue with you, but the frame will be set.
There are a lot more ways to do this, but these should get you started. I dont want to overwhelm
you with 15 ways of setting frames Im actually more worried that four might be too much
already. But I did want to give you a few options to choose from. Pick one or two for your
next night out and start practicing them.
Eventually, you will have them at unconscious competence you will have achieved a level of
expertise at sexual framing and you will be setting frames without even realizing that youre
doing it.
At that point, the only thing you realize is that most girls sleep with you the first night until
that, too, becomes expected and if it doesnt happen for once you scratch your head.
If she doesnt view the world in this way, she wont be swayed by your stories and cold reads
youre not putting a gun to anyones head. Youre communicating an open-minded world
view that gives party-pooping puritans the bird, and youre inviting her to let her
repressed sexuality shine too without her having to worry about judgment.
If you havent experienced it yet, take it from us girls will LOVE you for it.
They will be as honest with you about their sexuality as they have never been with any of their
long-term conservative boyfriends you get to see a more authentic side of her after three hours
than they did after three years.
Take it from Cyndy Lauper: Girls just wanna have fun.
They really dont have it easy with all the negative frames about female sexuality out there
Your job is to free that girl you like from those restraints. I really wouldnt want to be a girl
theyre not allowed to act on their desires the way men are expected to.
So do them a favor and let them enjoy life a bit, will ya. ;)
Frame Refusal
The last thing you need to understand about sexual framing and frames in general is frame
refusal what to do if she disagrees with a frame YOU set, and how to disagree with a frame
SHE might set.
And the answer, in both cases, is simple just ignore.
If you set a sexual frame and she tries to invalidate it, debate you on it or plain set a
contradictory frame, pretend you didnt hear it and move on. Your words will still have
the desired effect she has heard you, and she still understands what your views
about sex are.
That means later, when the right situation arises and she feels like going home with you,
she can still be certain that youre okay with it and that you wont think any less of her
because she has sexual desires, too even though she is a woman (shocking, I know!).
If you debate her, however, she will start defending her view point and begin to get
entrenched in it. Arguing with her about sex is one of the most certain ways not to
have sex with her.
If she sets a frame that doesnt jive with the way you want your night to go, simply
ignore that too. Youre setting your frames and shes setting hers thats fine. Youre
both just inviting each other into two different kinds of relationships. At the end of the
day, both of you are free to accept each others invitations, or not.
And if she understands that youre really, positively not up for getting into a
committed relationship before going to bed with a girl, she basically has two
options go home alone, or accept your invitation for a more passionate way of kicking
things off with you. More often than not, the outcome is the latter girls have needs too,
you know.
So there you have it if you control the frame, you control the game.
And now that you understand what frames are, how theyre communicated and how you can use
them to get into steaming hot sexual relationships with the hot girls you see every time you leave
the house, well leaving the house is exactly what you should be doing.
You owe it to yourself and you owe it to her.
If you dont make an adventure happen, you both miss out so pick one of the four ways of
setting frames we discussed above and start giving it a spin.
Onward and upward,
Ricardus
by Colt Williams
Monday, 23 June 2014
I think that one of the most under-discussed topics in seduction is sexual availability.
What is sexual availability? Sexual availability is not only whether or not a girl has other
men in her life (which she does 90% of the time), but also the extent to which she is satisfied
with consistently having sex with one or more of these men.
It doesnt matter if you have the tightest game. It doesnt matter if youre an extremely highvalue man. If you dont understand sexual availability, you will experience much more
frustration and confusion toward women than is at all necessary.
So today Im going to outline and explain this concept, and more importantly: delve into why
its important.
You can have the most ideal seduction situations, but two things might still work against you
that you cant always control:
Timing
Location
A few months ago I met a sexy girl named Nicole. She was a short, sexually open Latina who
responded well to my leading, was qualifying herself, and was telling me personal stories of
her past. She made a point of telling me that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend of
many years and was looking for a guy to have consistent sexual encounters with. She told me
that she wanted me to come over to her place and have some fun that night.
Unfortunately, it was really late at night and I had to get up early in the morning for an important
business meeting.
So I told her to hold off until the next afternoon when Id be free and available. She happily
agreed, and in the meantime she was sending me nude photos and telling me how much she
couldnt wait for our imminent encounter.
Then, about an hour before I was set to see her, I was sending her some sexual texts to prime her
for our encounter. But I got no response. Then around the time we were set to hang out, she sent
me this text:
Her: HahSoheres the thingI kind of started hooking up with one of my guy friends
randomly and Im now kind of set at the moment. But dont lose my number just yet. Youre a
really cool guy and I think youre really sexy. Unfortunately right now its just bad timing for
Colt and Nicole dirty fun times.
I wondered about this encounter for a while. On paper, I played everything right in the
interaction. I deep dived her, I pushed the sexuality, I employed push-pull, and I had her
desperately waiting to meet up with me.
I knew that my engagement was much more important than one random girl but I also kept in
mind that it would be fewer than 12 hours before I was able to see her again so I wasnt very
concerned about the situation.
But the sexuality of women should never be underestimated. I wasnt terribly surprised when
she had told me that she managed to sleep with someone else. But what did surprise me, was
that she shut out the opportunity to have sex with a high-value man because she had a
consistent man in her life to sleep with now.
I remembered her mentioning that she wanted a consistent guy to hook up with, and even though
I was surprised at how fast the window of opportunity closed, I wrote it off as an anomaly.
Timing
But then I met Andrea. Andrea was a sexy half Colombian, half Portuguese girl who I met
during a day game encounter on the street. She was sweet, she was funny, and she was really
adventurous.
We went on an amazing date of museum hopping and art walks a wholesome and substantive
kind of date that I rarely get to enjoy with your average American girl. We spent the entire day
together, and when we made it back to my place, the sexual tension was at boiler-plate levels.
We then had a hot, passionate night, and I was convinced that I had made a great connection
with a girl that I would really enjoy having in my life. And then we had the talk. She was lying
softly on my chest, sliding her delicate hand up and down the side of my arm.
Her: Colt, I really need to tell you something. (never a good sign when a girl starts a
conversation like that)
Me: No worries. Whats on your mind?
Her: We cant ever do this again.
Me: What? [with great surprise on my face]. What do you mean? Havent you had a good time.
Her: Ive had a better than good time. I have had an amazing time with you. And I think that
you are a wonderful man. But... I kind of have been hooking up with this other guy for a while,
and I dont really think I should confuse things by introducing someone new.
Me: Is this guy your boyfriend or something?
Her: No, not at all [she said with a sigh]. Im not really looking for anything that serious in my
life.
Me: Do you really like him?
Her: Hes a good guy. And hes just comfortable. I just really cant handle more than one
man in my life. Its just been an amazing day. I got swept up in the fun of it all. But we really
cant do this again. I hope you understand. Im really sorry Colt. Its just not good timing.
A lot of thoughts went through my head at this point, and I cant quite remember what I said to
her in response. But, I did take note of the fact that this situation happened again. I met a girl
who had opened up to me and was ready to sleep with me, only to tell me that there was another
guy in her life and that she didnt want to introduce anymore new characters.
These experiences really hammered home the importance of timing when meeting girls. And I
came up with a rule of thumb that applies to most women:
When a girl has a halfway decent guy in her life who she has been hooking up with
consistently, she would rather continue to have sex with him than take a chance on
hooking up with a new high-value guy if its not convenient for her.
And the point of convenience is very important. So let me elaborate:
We often speak of the path of least resistance in seduction on this site. The path of least
resistance applies especially well in terms of sexual availability. That is, women will sleep with
the man whom they can get the biggest returns from the most easily.
I thought a little bit more about the circumstances of Nicole and Andrea. With Andrea, she was a
few years older than me, and was in a different lifescape in terms of her career and the kinds of
things she did with her free time. So she probably recognized that not only was there a
difference in the timing of when I came into her life, but a difference in timing in terms of
where we were in our lives as well. And that was an important difference.
The man who she was already hooking up with was the same age, and though he was pretty
average, the barrier was low and he was by far the most convenient option. Therefore, hooking
up with him was following the path of least resistance.
Location
I recently met a wonderful girl named Rebecca. She lived in one of the neighboring towns about
15 miles away from me. She was smart, quirky, and always made a fantastic partner in crime.
We hung out for a couple of months, and I opened up her sexual horizons while consistently
having a great time with her.
It wasnt too much of a hassle for us, but I did wonder about whether or not she cared to make
the journey to come see me (which she made most of the time).
A few weeks ago I asked her to hang out.
Me: Becca, do you want to go on an adventure this week?
Her: Yea, Id love to! Should we meet up near you or me?
Me: Do you mind coming to me?
Her: Of course not, sounds great to me. Just let me know what time
And then she sent me a message the next morning
Her: So I need to tell you something
Thats the kind of lifestyle you can lead when youre not caught up on one girl. You know that
everyone in the mating game is just a commodity and that people constantly come and go in
your life. And if you can find stability in that constant ebb and flow while still moving forward
and meeting new people, you can have yourself a very good time.
Wrapping Up
Sexual availability is an important concept to understand for intermediate and advanced guys
particularly in the West. Women have so many men constantly vying for their attention and
their bodies and they will nearly always go for the man who treats them well enough and
makes it easy for them to get what they need.
Sometimes thats you. Sometimes its not. But if you understand that fact, youll be a whole lot
happier. And youll realize that there are always enough to go around.
Carpe diem,
Colt
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Sometime back ago, when I was still new to learning about seduction, I shared with a friend the
tale of a girl I'd gone out with and the sexual dialogue I'd tried using to get her mind going the
right way... and how disappointed I was it hadn't seemed to have had the desired effect.
My man, I remember him saying to me at the time, I notice you keep trying to use words to
get women excited and turned on. But words aren't very good at this. You need to use sexual
tension.
And I heard this, and I thought it sounded like a great idea... except I had no idea how to create
sexual tension, how to use it, or where to even start with it. And my friend, for all his wisdom,
was at a loss to explain it.
So, I did what any real student of anything does who is unable to find the answer by simpler
means, and I embarked on a quest to discover the mechanisms of this phenomenon and to find
the key to unlock its power for myself.
Recently, years later, I found myself in the opposite position, recommending to readers that they
use sexual tension, this time in the How to Kiss a Girl article from last week, and having the
very first commenter on the post, a guy named Josh, remark:
I would like to see a post on sexual tension. How and when to create it and sustain it.
I see you mention touching and proximity to create this and maybe some eye contact
that last just a little to long. Those along with some playful banter maybe as well? It's
amazing how much of flirting and seduction are non-verbal.
Well Josh, the fortunate thing is, unlike my friend from that conversation past, this is one I had
to put together over time and figure out the puzzle pieces for, and I can both tell you how to
create it, and tell you how to use it.
Now let me show you how you can build and direct sexual tension to drive the women you
meet lusty, horny, and randy, in minutes or less.
The mistake I made early on trying to create sexual tension was the same one just about every
guy makes: I tried to talk my way to tension.
I initially tried talking to women about all kinds of things:
Fake boobs
Sex positions
Orgasms
What it takes to be good in bed
Sexual escapades of my own
Sexual escapades of hers
And these led to some truly very fascinating discussions. I learned a lot about female sexuality
that I perhaps otherwise wouldn't have learned if not for launching into these intellectual forays
about the vagaries of sex.
But one thing I didn't do was turn women on. Talking about sex did not make me sexy, I
discovered.
In fact, dry sex talk, I soon found, did NOT have the effect on women I was hoping it would at
ALL...
.. and if anything, I started realizing it was a full-on turn OFF for women!
I struggled to understand this at first. Why would talking about sex turn women off and drive
them away? Shouldn't the act of talking about something make them think about it, and if I'm
talking about how open *I* am about sex and how good in bed I am, shouldn't that make them
curious about sleeping with me and make the want to try me out?
It took me a little while, but the reasons why sex talk doesn't lead to sexual tension in and of
itself began dawning on me, one at a time:
1. It kills intrigue. When everyone's cards are laid out on the table, suddenly the poker
game is a lot less exciting. Women want anticipation in their seductions... and a
seduction where all your cards are showing just makes them want to go find another
table to play at.
2. It's unromantic. Ever see a movie where a man's talking to a woman about sex outright?
Occasionally you'll see it done well, and it seems romantic and scintillating, but usually
it's just crude. It's very hard to do blatant sex talk correctly, and when you're focused on
the talk, rather than the tension, you're almost assured of not getting it right.
3. It's skepticism-inducing. Women have adapted in our society to be very skeptical of
what men say, because men have adapted in our society to say next to anything in order
to get in women's pants. A guy telling a girl he's a good lover is likely to give her the
opposite impression... "If you have to say it, it isn't true," I always say, and women seem
to have a natural understanding of this principle themselves.
Honest sex talk has the other disadvantage that it can make you come across as the creepy guy if
you really don't have the timing to discuss it at the right moments naturally or the vibe to remain
calm and non-needy while talking about it, but even if you do these things alone aren't enough
to build sexual tension.
Because sexual tension is not built on talk. It's built on something else.
or more potential benefits or rewards that are very important to them (but not
necessarily sexual), women move from a sexual neutrality to seeking stimuli necessary
to ignite sexual desire. This sexual desire would be experienced as a craving for sexual
sensations for their own sake, it also might involve a desire to experience physical and
subjective arousal and perhaps release of sexual tension. Sexual desire then is a
responsive rather than spontaneous event.
What Bassoon is saying here is that women in a neutral state don't become sexually turned
on; women who want or need to be sexually turned on seek out the stimuli that can achieve
this for them.
Which gels nicely with my experience.
A lot in seduction discusses "creating attraction" or "creating desire" within a woman. And
often, as you build attraction up in a girl, or you build up sexual tension within her, you do seem
to be creating it, nearly from thin air.
But this overlooks the fact that most of the time this happens it's with women who were
already interested in you. Women who from the start had some desire to get to know you
further, to find out if you were who they thought you were.
Thus, for many women, it would appear that sexual arousal and a responsive-type of
desire occur simultaneously at some point after the women have chosen to experience
sexual stimulation[.]
If Bassoon is correct - and I do think she is, from everything I've seen over the years, the seducer
does not CREATE the sexual tension a woman feels - he merely provides the stimuli... the key
that unlocks the door to the room where a woman can be free to let her hair down and partake,
once she's already at least somewhat LOOKING for it.
It's why you hear so many experienced seducers saying they think women want sex more than
men do, while so many men with little luck yet with women say they think women don't want
sex at all.
Because to the men who haven't learned how to unlock that door yet, women seem to be
eternally closed off to sexual desire... while to the desirable, sexual men who have learned
how to be the key to that lock, all the women in search of sexual stimuli in the world seem
to be bursting through the doors.
You of course have heard the old expression about men and women that, If a key opens many
locks, it's a Master Key.
Well, to become that Master Key, you must first master sexual tension.
Sexual tension is the bittings, the teeth, on the key that lets you open those locks that are so
begging for a man to open them. It is what enables you to free the women you meet to indulge
in the raw sexuality they are seeking and desire, if they so choose.
You cannot force a woman into wanting her. You can't trick her, or fool her, or manipulate her.
You can only free her into her desire... if she is in search of it.
If she does not want to feel desire though, nowhere in her heart, nothing you can do or say can
affect her.
The good news, of course, is that the more talented at creating sexual tension you become, the
better able you are to unlock the desire in women who even have that desire buried somewhat
under the surface... and the more women who do not have desire, or whom you do not desire,
will step out of your way.
The latter part has been particularly intriguing for me. As I've gotten better and better at creating
sexual tension, I've noticed the following becomes true when you're very good at creating this
tension:
The women you want who want you too REALLY begin to want you
The women who DON'T want you, or whom you don't want, understand why their
friends DO want you, and understand it's their friends you want (and not them) and that
it's you their friends want, and because this is mutual, they calmly clear the path
You are speaking a sort of unspoken language that only women and very sexual men understand
as you grow better at creating tension, and other people can see it. It's the "spark" women talk
on and on about; that magic "thing" no one can seem to put a finger on. It is the magnetic
pull between two individuals that combines charisma and desire and mutual interest and makes it
something great than all of those things.
And when other people see it between you and a girl - when they can tell it is mutual, and that
she truly desire you, and you truly desire her - they get out of the way.
No cock-blocking. No interventions. No pulling the friend away to "go to the bathroom," never
to return.
They just let the two lovers alone, because they can see that they will become lovers, and they
should become lovers.
This all probably sounds very new-agey to you if you haven't experienced what I'm talking about
here yet. For the more advanced guys, you're probably nodding your heads in agreement,
whether you know how to do this consistently right now or you've stumbled on this by accident
from time to time.
But anyway, I just wanted to give you a taste of what it feels like to have sexual tension decoded
and in your pocket, ready to be pulled out to help you open locks whenever and wherever you
need it.
Let's get into the real nitty-gritty now of how you transform yourself into that Master Key.
You won't get the first of those two until you've been out there and seen it all (or at least a lot of
it), again and again. That's simply field experience, and it's why it's so important you're out
there and meeting a lot of new women.
Don't get the experiences, and you can't get the conditioning - and conditioning is crucial to your
future growth.
But the second of those two you can work on right now, without an ounce more experience in
these types of situations than you had when you started reading this article.
Here's how to respond in tense situations:
1. Don't instantly react. When people panic or get overly excited, they tend to react
quickly and instinctively. Thing is, if you don't have much experience in a given
situation, your instincts tend to be wrong. Your first reaction to the big guy might be to
sputter out excuses, or to violently push back and escalate the situation. Your first
reaction to the beautiful vamp might be to say, "Yes, absolutely!" or to act overly cool
and say, "Who said I want you?" None of these responses would be correct... they'd
just blow the situation and lead to a bad end. So stay calm, and don't instantly react.
2. Don't escalate. Many people escalate when others suddenly force things upon them.
They challenge the guy to a fight, or they tell the girl they like her and ask if she likes
them. This is wrong - because it's following the other person's lead instead of having
them follow yours.
3. Don't bow out. The other chunk of people bow out of tense situations - they tell they guy
they're sorry and don't know what he's talking about, or the tell the girl, "Not really," and
shoot her down if they're afraid she's just toying with them. This is wrong because it
tends to make you look weak or afraid, or, in the case of the woman, it wrecks an
otherwise great opportunity.
4. DO ask clarifying / direction-changing questions. This takes the other person off the
initiative and transfers the initiative to you, giving you time to regain balance and assess
the situation. Asking the tough guy, "Begging your pardon?" then looking at him with a
quizzical look, then following up his next exclamation (probably: "You know what I'm
talking about!" or "You did this!") with another, disorienting question (e.g., "Do we
know each other?") regains the initiative for you and steals his thunder. Asking the
beautiful girl, "Is this how you normally greet strange men?" and the, when she responds
with something along the lines of "only men as sexy as you," making a statement like,
"Well, clearly you have good taste, but we should get to know each other before we go
ramming our tongues down one another's throats. Do you have a name, or do they just
call you 'man killer?'" will show her you aren't fazed and will bring her true intentions to
light.
From there, once you're back steering and directing things, you can talk intelligently with the
tough guy, or gauge whether the girl's really sexually wound up (in which case, you'd escalate
things very quickly, but on your terms) or simply thought you were cute but wanted to test you
first (because she likes toying with men and wants to screen out all but the strongest and most
experienced men), and take it from there.
Ever read a romance novel? Or watch a movie with a hero women swoon over? It isn't the guy
with his entire life on display for all the world to see, or the guy who's totally transparent to the
women he meets.
It's the guy who's the mystery who makes women's hearts beat faster.
Women are obsessed with the mysterious man with a mysterious life and a mysterious past. The
mysterious man is the romantic man. They want to discover him: who is this mystery man?
Most of the men they meet are in such a hurry to divulge every detail imaginable about
themselves... and then, there's this guy.
If you want to create sexual tension, you need to be that guy - you can't go spilling your
beans around women and think you'll make them randy later. It doesn't work that way. Wear the
cloak of mystery - it's essential.
If you want to intimidate someone, stare into his or her eyes and don't say a word.
If you want to show someone how serious you are about something, stare into his or her
eyes and don't say a word.
And if you want to create sexual tension with someone, stare into her eyes and don't say
a word, too.
It might seem odd that staring into a woman's eyes increases sexual tension, but I can tell you
from my own experience it certainly does - and so can researchers Joan Kellerman, James
Lewis, and James D. Laird in their Journal of Research in Personality studies published in the
paper "Looking and loving: The effects of mutual gaze on feelings of romantic love:"
In two studies, subjects induced to exchange mutual unbroken gaze for 2 min with a
stranger of the opposite sex reported increased feelings of passionate love for each
other. In Study I, 96 subjects were run in the four combinations of gazing at the other's
hands or eyes, or in a fifth condition in which the subject was asked to count the
other's eye blinks. Subjects who were gazing at their partner's eyes, and
whose partner was gazing back reported significantly higher feelings of
affection than subjects in any other condition. They also reported greater
liking than all subjects except those in the eye blink counting condition. In Study II,
with 72 subjects, those who engaged in mutual gaze increased significantly
their feelings of passionate love, dispositional love, and liking for their
partner. This effect occurred only for subjects who were identified on a separate task
as more likely to rely on cues from their own behavior in defining their attributes.
Where should you be looking, precisely? As noted in "Eye Contact Flirting," you should be
looking directly at the bridge of a woman's nose, in between her eyes, and not shifting back and
forth from eye to eye as many individuals tend to do.
Shifting from eye to eye shows a focus on reactions - the individual shifting eyes is trying to
gauge how his or her conversation partner is reading, reacting to, and interpreting his or her
actions, words, and behavior. It's great when you see women doing this to you... it means they're
deeply interested in how you're feeling about them. But it's even better when they're staring
deeply back into your eyes... because then they are signaling that they are every bit as into
you as you are into them.
Talk should only be used in quantity (where you're doing most of the talking, rather than letting
her do most of the talking and opinion-sharing and you're simply feeding back to her what she
thinks and feels and actively listening) in situations where you want to defuse the tension.
Thus, profuse talking from you is best used:
During transition points, like going somewhere she doesn't know the destination of, or
taking her to your home, where you risk having her shift emotionally along the way
without topics for her to logically seize on and think about
During spontaneous escalation and manhandle kiss situations where you need to both
progress things physically and emotionally, yet provide engagement for her logically to
stop the different parts of her brain from going to war with each other over their differing
objectives
During turnarounds where you're about to lose a girl and are instead working to get her
to change her mind and stay (see: "Don't Let Her Go").
Otherwise, let her do the talking; all you need to do is stare into her eyes and listen... and lead
the conversation forward with probing questions and effective deep diving, and lead the
interaction forward with strong leading and consistently moving her to the next stage of things.
purely using the other keys mentioned, and don't touch her at all... until the two of you
are alone together and you create the first kiss. This one's only for pros - master hot
tension and excited tension before you try to pull off nervous tension, or you'll probably
end up with a heck of a whole lot of nothin'.
If you're just learning sexual tension, I recommend starting out with hot tension, simply because
it's the easiest to do and it generates the clearest reactions. It's also the most unstable kind of
tension, however, and the most prone to blowing up in your face.
Of the three of these, excited tension is the most stable, because it leads to the most natural,
comfortable, and positive sort of tension - it's not an extreme emotion that's likely to crash if
you make a single mistake. The only drawback of excited tension is that it's still a bit too
"obvious" for reserved women, and for the women who are "pros."
For those girls, you need to pull out your big guns (nervous tension), but again, that one's a highwire act I only recommend you attempt once you're good with the other two types of tension.
Her: And how about you... you're not curious if I like you?
Him: I don't need to be curious.
Her: Why not?
Him: Because I already know the answer.
Her: [laughs] So what is it?
Him: Remind me to tell you sometime.
Her: [laughs]
Him: So how'd you end up here in this part of the world, anyway? You don't seem like a globetrotting kind of girl...
It's pretty obvious to anyone with a modicum of social intelligence that both people are attracted
to one another in that conversation there. But he "keeps her guessing"... she's not really
guessing, she knows he's attracted to her too, but his aptitude at keeping engaging banter like this
on without bending and telling her exactly what she's asking displays his social finesse and his
experience with women.
He communicates being preselected to her through this verbal dance, and it makes her want
him more.
When you're using all of these, and you combine them with a sexy vibe, you turn yourself into a
man women find completely irresistible... and the women who are "looking for something" start
coming out of the woodwork, flirting with you, trying to catch your eye, trying to pique your
interest.
It becomes easy.
Which is a little strange, at first, especially when you're coming from a background where sex
used to be this elusive thing that most men wanted and most women didn't want to give up.
Suddenly the tables have turned, and women want it from you like crazy... meanwhile, most
men out there are still standing around talking about how hard it is to get women to intimacy,
and you begin having a harder and harder time understanding how they can even possibly think
this, or why on Earth you ever did.
You're a changed man, and the way women react to you has changed, and the ease of having the
kinds of experiences you want to have in the world has changed. It changes everything.
And the only difference between you and those guys standing there complaining bitterly about
women is, you've turned yourself into a Master Key able to open many locks... while they're still
milling about wondering why the door is closed to them in the first place.
Time to get unlocking.
Ciao,
Chase
Hey Blade,
Your read is right, she clearly is interested. Lots of flirting going on, and her saying things like,
We cant date! and, Its too risky! means she wants to, and she wants you to disarm her
objections (if she wasnt interested, shed say, Blade, Im your boss, and Im not interested in
you like that, not protest that its risky).
When a woman throws up weak objections like that, shes telling you to lead. e.g., she says its
too risky, and you say, I know thats why its exciting, then take her hand and lead, and
dont back down from it. Shell respect you a lot more for it.
And, I dont know how your workplace is situated or setup, but after-hours sex is one of the
most common ways people get away with it in the office, or something happening in her car
would be a lot of fun and risqu enough to be rather exciting for her (and you), too.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Hey Flames,
You're working on the right stuff, then! Creating sexual tension's a big win you can bring across
the board to all your game with women... it makes everything else easier.
The reason nervous tension's difficult is because it's easy for girls to end up in auto-rejection if
your management of the interaction isn't pitch-perfect (e.g., she starts feeling like her interest in
you isn't being reciprocated), and once that happens you don't get them back (99 times out of
100).
In addition to that, if you move too slowly with nervous tension, a girl can be in mild autorejection already by the time you pull her home and try to get physical on her, and she'll brush
you off and tell you it's uncomfortable or she doesn't like you that way. If you use nervous
tension, you need to move a lot faster than you would with, say, excited tension, but you ALSO
usually can't move quite as fast you would with hot tension. Because it's not a "just move really
fast" type of tension like hot tension is, or a "go at your own pace" type of tension like excited
tension is, it requires that high-wire balancing act that makes it more risky.
But it's the most broadly applicable type of sexual tension - it works on the largest swath of
women - which is it's brightest redeeming quality (another one is that because you don't use
touch with it, you can use it in a wider variety of scenarios, including those where you're not
able to use touch, like being in public with a group of people, for instance, or picking her up in
front of a cluster of her friends were you getting touchy with her will throw off alarms with
overprotective friends).
Cheers,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Howdy Dave,
Glad you thought so. Great quote from you here:
"The more you talk the harder it is to get what you want."
I'm in full agreement on this one - if you want to get what you want to get, just stop talking, and
only jump in when the conversation needs a little steering. The less you talk - once you know
how to make the talking that you do do count, that is - the better the results you tend to get (to a
point, of course... mute guys might intrigue girls at first, but they soon become frustrated!).
by Alek Rolstad
Friday, 6 September 2013
Today, I wanted to make a quick introduction to using sex talk in sexual framing after
reading many requests from our readers. It seems sexual framing is a popular topic around here,
and since thereve been a number of requests for more information about this, I'm happy to
oblige.
I thought that an introductory post into my methods for using sex talk and sexual frames, like
this article, was in order.
Of course there is a lot more to say about the topic (oh man so much more; you have no idea
how much!) so consider this just as a starter.
The purpose of this post is to give you an overall idea of how this all works. This will make
it simpler for future, even more detailed pieces concerning this topic.
Sexual framing is giving an interaction an underlying meaning consisting of sexual content. The
purpose with sexual framing is to lead the interaction to full sex and the easiest way to do so is
to put sex on her mind. We can do this implicitly, with gestures, voice tones, and facial
expressions, or we can do it explicitly, with sex talk.
But sexual framing itself means a lot more than simply putting sex on a womans mind. In its
broader definition, it means creating a perception of you in her eyes: a perception of you as
a sexual man (a lover).
In human interactions, the way someone perceives somebody else defines her behavior toward
that person. For instance, if you perceive someone as a leader, you will start to treat him like
one.
If a woman perceives you as an unattractive nerd, she will treat you like one.
If she on the other hand perceives you like a sexual man, she will treat you like well, she will
most likely have sex with you.
The goal with sex talk and sexual framing is to create a perception of you as a sexual being in
womens eyes. I will elaborate why this is key for your interactions with women.
Sex toys: think about it, when it comes to sex toys, women have far more options
than we have which means that there is a bigger market for female sex toys than there
is for male sex toys. Have you seen those insane dildos on the market? Crazy stuff if you
ask me.
Magazines: what about female magazines? Get one today, and let me know if you find
so much as one magazine designed for females that does not contain at least three pages
of sex and relationships.
Books: what about female books? The most sold book to females these days is 50
Shades of Grey, which basically is about a weak BDSM encounter. Garbage book, I say,
but it makes you realize a few things.
Television: what about TV shows? Most women watch the famous Sex and the City,
which basically is all about fashion, drama and sex and even more sex.
Clothes: women are really into fashion because they want to look good. Do you have
any idea how much time they spend in front of a mirror trying to look good? This is
because they want to attract potential mates!
Sex is a very strong need that affects our everyday behavior. Sex is, in my opinion (and most
scientists would agree), one of our biggest needs.
So let me ask you now: does it now make sense that a man who is perceived by females as a
sexual being (a sexual man) is also the most attractive one?
Here are some example of beliefs an attractive, sexual man can have I will share another small
list later on in this post:
1. That you understand and accept that women love sex.
2. That good sex is important to women.
3. That sex is the pillar of every type of sexual relationship (everything from one-night
stands to monogamous marriages).
With such beliefs in mind, you start looking differently at woman, which affects the way you
communicate with them. If these beliefs reflect your perceptions of women, then be sure that
they will affect the way you communicate.
This will again affect the frame, because you will start having interactions with women
with the underlying purpose of leading it to something beautiful namely, sex because
you now believe women seek this.
The frame will now become a sexual one because you are now communicating a different
underlying meaning. When your frame is sexual, it will affect a womans perception of you
you are now perceived not as a friend, but as a sexual man, who understands her sexual needs.
This will typically lead to a completely different outcome than if you interacted with her as a
potential friend i.e., a friendly frame.
Okay; I understand this might be hard to grasp. Let me explain what Ive just gone over in a very
simplified model, so you can get an idea how your beliefs affect your actions and their
outcomes:
1. Belief: perception of women (i.e. women love sex).
2. This belief affects the way you will communicate with a girl (i.e. you will treat like a
sexual being).
3. This will define the underlying meaning of the conversation with her set the frame (a
sexual frame).
4. As a result of the frame set, her perception of you will be defined (i.e. a man you
understand womens sexual needs a sexual man).
5. Her perception of you will define the way she will behave toward you. Some perceptions
are more attractive than others. Being perceived as a sexual man is probably the most
attractive one.
Let us now dig deeper into the connection between beliefs and framing / sex talk the
relationship between internal and external perspectives on this.
We will cover the gap between having certain beliefs to creating a perception of you in her
mind. This section is about understanding how our beliefs affect our interactions. We will
also cover how to convey our beliefs in other words, we will analyze how to use sex talk to set
the right sexual frames.
The Beliefs
As we just covered, in order to set a sexual frame, you need to start off by having the right
beliefs. This is where your belief system comes in.
The way systematic seduction works is that you have certain beliefs that define you define
whom you are which you will now convey to a woman. This will give her a perception of who
you are, and if her perception of you is attractive in her eyes, then she will (obviously, and
necessarily) become attracted to you.
Lots of things are attractive, such as looks, attitude and posture. But personality also matters;
our personality is heavily defined by our belief system. So in order to convey an attractive
personality, you need to convey attractive beliefs your attractive beliefs.
Therefore, we need some good beliefs that we would like to communicate. I am planning to
write a more detailed post concerning the beliefs and the mindsets of the sexual man in the
near future (as there are many of them), but I will give you a handful of beliefs that you can use
today:
1. I know that women love sex.
2. I understand that women hide their sexual needs because they are afraid of getting
judged.
3. I know women like dirty and kinky sex because that is what is hot.
These beliefs will affect your behavior toward women, and set the frame.
Nonverbally, treating her according to how you perceive her (according to your beliefs).
You can engage in sex talk and pretty much state your own beliefs concerning women
and sexuality.
Talking about your beliefs indirectly talking about women in the light of your beliefs.
Heres an example of using sex talk to communicate your beliefs about women and set the
proper sexual frame:
You: I know you women are acting like all you girls are looking for are nice men who treat you
well. You act like all you seek so passionately is love. I believe sex actually plays a much higher
role than love, I think you women wants to fuck just for the sake of fucking.
Her: I actually prefer having sex with a boyfriend. For me sex without love is bad!
You: I understand what you mean, sex with an emotional connection is special: there is so
much intimacy, trust and a strong connection. However, let me ask you, why do most women
enjoy fucking their dildos? Are you in love with your dildo? [you dont want to come across as
offensive or attacking her so-called values, so make sure you communicate that you agree with
some of her points in order to avoid her responding in a defensive way. After that feel free to
chime in with your argument. This is called pacing and leading]
Her: [laughs] No, I am not in love with it. Well, I like my toys a lot!
You: Then you can have sexual pleasures without love? I admit that sex with a strong emotional
connection is nice, but having sex with a stranger is different but still as good: no
complications; the experience of fucking a stranger; and the fact that nobody knows him is just
awesome, dont you think?
Her: Yeah, okay, I agree but [the "but" added in there by her so as not to lose face]
You: Talking about dildos What kind of dildos do you have? Do you have some funny ones
[no point in making her lose face, you got you point out; now move on]?
Let us go for another example, with another example woman:
You: You women are like double-edged swords!
Her: What makes you say that?
You: Well, on one side, I know that you all love sex it is a necessity that you do, else our
species would die out.
Her: Thats true; I like the way you lay it out.
You: But women still act like they dont like sex; whenever a man makes a move they hold
themselves back; this is because they are afraid of the slut label. I completely understand that;
because you, like me, care about your social status. [showing your understanding]
Her: Indeed!
You: But it is still so unfair that women cant express freely their true love for something as
beautiful as sex!
Her: Oh my god! You are so right! [women love this one Ive never once had a bad reaction
from using this line]
I feel a third sex talk and sexual framing example might do us good:
You: Do women actually prefer threesomes with two men or one man and a woman; share your
opinion, I am very curious about it. [obviously you are indirectly communicating that you
perceive women as sexual beings by asking this question. Again, wait a little till you know she is
a little into you and youve gotten a little rapport before asking such questions]
Her: I personally prefer a threesome with one girl and one man!
When you communicate your beliefs, you will set a frame. This time you communicate
according to your beliefs around sex. Your communication was then mostly sex talk about sex.
As a result, you will frame the interaction sexually you will set the sexual frame.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS THIS: You set a sexual frame by communicating your beliefs
around sexuality.
Create attraction: if that perception of you is attractive, then she will become
attracted: as we have already covered, sexuality is important to most human beings.
Therefore, a sexual man is attractive in a womans eyes as he can cover one of her
most fundamental needs. The more fundamental and important the need is, the more
she will seek it.
Create rapport: if there is a connection between her personality and the personality
she perceives in you then rapport will be created. 99% of the female population loves sex.
Most women have social reputation management concerns, which mean that they hide
their sexual behavior in order to not be judged by our society. Most women like dirty sex
(again, why is 50 Shades of Grey a bestselling book?). By communicating all this you
will be creating strong rapport with her, because you are understanding and liberating
something truly fundamental about her that normally she needs to suppress.
Create expectations: she knows what to expect from you. As you are being perceived
as a sexual man and a sexual man only, she knows that if she sticks with you, sex and
only sex is the possible outcome. Therefore, she will either leave or go to bed with
you. But as sexual men are rare (as most men believe women are asexual beings), she
will most likely grab her chance and have sex with you. Odds of last-minute resistance
occurring are minimized, because when you do make a move on her, it is expected.
Make her horny: obviously being a sexual man makes girls horny: behaving like one
by touching her, or by employing sex talk, very rapidly makes a woman horny.
Escalation Windows
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 25 January 2011
Just received the following email from a reader, who was kind enough to allow me to reprint
here, preferring to remain anonymous. He asks:
Hey Chase,
I'm not sure if your one to give feedback to random readers of your blog but I was hoping I
could get help with this girl. I met her at a party a week ago, and within about 5 minutes of
meeting her I was making out with her. We leave the party soon after. I asked her to come back
to my place and she declined because she had to get up early which I new was true. So I walk
her back to her place and kiss her good night. Flash forward to this weekend where after a week
of texting I get her to come over to a small party at my house. I play beer pong with her and talk
with her somewhat but she seems very cold. I am able to touch her somewhat but when I do
sexual things like touch her butt she moved my hand away. So she left my house pretty abruptly,
and becuase I didn't want to see her go that easy I texted her the next day. She basically told me
she didn't like me that much in the first place and doesn't want to talk to me anymore, very
harsh! I don't know what I did to upset her so much. Also, is it possible to still see this girl again
or is it done?
Ah, this sounds like something that used to plague me all the time when I was starting out. It
feels super-confusing when it happens to you, too why on Earth would a girl who really,
really liked you one night suddenly pull a complete 180 and be cold to you the next time
you saw her? Its bizarre and mystifying to us, because as men we dont act that way. Either we
like a girl, or we dont like her. We dont really, really like her, and then suddenly we hate her
guts and treat her like a leper. It does not compute with us.
What causes this reaction in women, though, is in fact the making of the most painful mistake
you can realize youve made in seduction having a girl who wanted you but with whom you
missed the window to bed her in.
with you, get her to go sit somewhere with you, get her to go home with you, get her to kiss you,
get her to get intimate with you. And the thing with these windows is, most of the time, they
dont stay open long.
In social circle, these windows dont stay open terribly long, and if you miss them you get
slotted into the friend zone, which its always going to be a hell of a long slog to try and carve
yourself out of and its always easier to just meet a new girl. Easier to just go buy a new
drinking glass than try to glue together a shattered old one.
With a cold approach, or something close to it any avenue really where youre meeting women
you dont have strong social ties to and arent going to see on a reasonably regular basis the
window for escalation is even smaller, and women are less forgiving of failure to hit that
window. Women you meet during cold approach often dont have the social ties to still want to
be nice to you after a windows been missed; theyll shut down and go cold and just pure resent
you for not having given them what they wanted and needed. You become something of a
reminder of their inability to get what they wanted.
When attainability drops too low when a girl reaches a point where she feels like she just cant
get what she wants with you shell go into something called auto-rejection, or self-rejection,
which is where she, sensing that you dont want her and wont give her what she wants, will
reject you first to prevent you rejecting her and her suffering that blow to her ego that
accompanies rejection.
You can see this in yourself: have you ever gone up to talk to a girl, thinking, Wow, shes
gorgeous! only to have her shoot you down in a really cold way? You likely walked away,
muttering something to yourself like, Bah, who wants to have anything to do with a horrible
person like that anyway? Thats auto-rejection; she probably isnt actually a horrible person,
but now you think shes bad and evil because it helps you justify why you arent with her. You
arent with her because clearly theres something wrong with her.
Women go through this too. If you take the example above from our reader, heres a guy this girl
was making out with in a party and whom she left the party with. Girls dont leave parties with
guys theyve just met whom theyre only hoping to be friends with. She left the party because
she wanted to sleep with him. When it didnt happen, she most likely went home miffed at not
getting what she wanted, went into auto-rejection, and started thinking to herself what a dreadful
guy this guy she met was and how she didnt actually like him at all.
cold and walk away, meet someone else, or go home. So, I stood up and told her to come with
me and Id show her the place I was staying at, and we went back there and became lovers.
The less a girl knows you, the more you must move fast with her. With girls in social circle,
you can afford to dally a bit (though still not too long if shes on the market, its a safe bet that
youre probably not the only guy shes available to, so if theres another guy she likes who
moves faster than you do, youre out of luck); with girls you meet through cold approach,
youre afforded far less leeway.
You must move fast.
Moving fast and hitting escalation windows is the only way to avoid getting mired in autorejection. And it makes your life far easier, too: move fast with a girl who wants you, and you
get together quickly, become lovers, and are happy together. Miss escalation windows with a
girl who wants you, and suddenly she hates your guts, is acting cold to you, and youre doing an
extremely delicate balancing act simply trying to get her back close to the same level of warmth
to you she had before when she was available to you and open to becoming yours.
Its easier to buy a product when its still on the shelves than trying to get your hands on it
somehow when its sold out and off the market and youre scrambling around trying everything
you can think of to get your hands back on it. You know the old phrase:
He who hesitates is lost.
We might rephrase it a bit here to say: He who hesitates has lost the girl.
Think of a man about to get married who starts feeling unsure, or a couple about to buy a new
car that get gun-shy right before they pull the trigger and sign the contract. Think the bride-to-be
is going to stand there on her wedding day and tell her bridegroom, Oh, its okay, we can just
do this later and you can think about it, or that the car salesman is going to take the pen away
from the couple about to sign the contract and tell them, You know what, you can always take
some time and come back later and well just do it then? Of course not. Because what do you
think will happen if they do? Thats right, the bridegroom probably will never marry the bride,
and the couple probably will never buy the car. Even if they were 98% sure they wanted it
before, being that close to the edge and not jumping in makes them look back and say,
Well, I mustve had a good reason for not doing it when I was right about to.
As the man, its your responsibility to lead the women who like you to intimacy. Many women
have mental walls they need you to help them overcome to get there, and doing that may include
being persistent and allowing them to save face so that they can later say, Well, I told him I
was tired, but he still insisted on me coming home with him anyway and it just happened! I tried
to get out of it!
When I was first training myself up as a persistent guy, it helped me to imagine myself as a
Latin or Italian man romancing some ravishing belle. In America, men are trained not to be
pushy, so were much more hands off and if a woman says, No, I have to get up early
tomorrow, we just accept it and back down, even if thats not what she wanted us to do. Can
you picture a Latin man or an Italian man letting it stand at just one refusal?
Italian: Come with me, bella donna!
Girl: Alas, I cannot, I must rise early tomorrow.
Italian: Oh, okay.
Silliness! Heres how a romantic man runs this interaction:
Lover: Come with me, lets have a nightcap before we call it a night.
Girl: Ah, I cant, I have to get up early tomorrow.
Lover: You can come with me. Well spend but thirty minutes, then you can go.
Girl: But Im tired!
Lover: The night must not end too soon! Thirty minutes; lets go.
Girl: Okay
Be prepared to persist up to ten or fifteen times if necessary, unless she is absolutely firm in her
refusal to join you. If shes waxing back and forth and clearly on the fence, that means shes still
open to the idea.
Dont settle for a fuzzy no when you can get an okay instead.
Remember too that people will rationalize and justify whatever decision they make. Buy
something you didnt intend to buy? Well, I was there and it just looked good. Really wanted
to take a trip, but you didnt end up going? Eh, I didnt really want to go there that bad.
Women do the same thing with men, so you really must move quickly to avoid this happening to
you.
I didnt really like him all that much anyway, is the last thing you want a girl thinking about
you. Get together with her quickly to avoid this. Just another reason why you cant afford to be
putting things off.
I have turned it around with a handful of girls Ive lost, and come close with a few others. But
when a window closes, it is almost always absolute. You can bring it back if its just closed and
you realize it; for instance, if you say something and she feels like youre rejecting her and she
gets snippy and says, Fine, you know what, Im over you, and goes to leave and you stop her
and youre very warm with her without being needy or apologetic and you get her back feeling
good again. But if time passes and she spends hours or days or weeks stewing over how much
she hates your guts 999 times out of 1000 you wont turn it around.
Ive made concerted efforts to turn things around with a few elite caliber girls Id lost in the past,
and one of the girls I successfully turned things around with became my girlfriend for a few
years. At the time, I truly believed she was worth putting in the effort to try and turn things
around with, and I was right. I recommend if youre going to put the time and effort and mental
footwork into trying to turn things around, you only do so with a girl who seems very, very
worth it, because this has effects on you, too: the more time you spend working on a girl and
investing time and effort in her, the more highly you will value her. You dont want to risk
making yourself start obsessing over some sub-par gal; Ive seen that happen and its ugly (the
guy usually ends up saying, I dont know what it is, she isnt that great, I know, but I have all
these feelings for her and I just cant stop thinking about her!). If youre going to risk falling
for a girl, make sure you think shes worth it.
That said, if you go the route of attempting a turnaround, these are the elements I believe you
must have to turn things around with a girl in auto-rejection youve missed windows with:
Total confidence and self-assurance. You must know without question that you are the
best possible thing that could happen to her life, because she no longer believes this and
will fight this belief and unless yours is stronger than hers, you will not change her mind.
Time and exposure. You need to be physically around this girl. In most cases, you
absolutely have to be around her so she can get some time being with you in your
presence and reset her feelings toward you that built up in her when you were not
around; e.g., she sees you in person and starts thinking, Actually, hes quite warm and
not as horrible a person as Ive been tagging him as.
Eloquence and knowing her very well. If you both know her very well and you have a
very good, very eloquent way with words, you may be able to turn things around over the
phone, via text message, or in person. Some of the turnarounds Ive had have come via
text or email when I was able to show, in a very non-needy but still very warm way, that
I cared about the girl and knew a great deal of things about her that no one else knew and
that I understood why she had to go but that I was sad and would miss her.
If this seems extreme and hard it is. Auto-rejection is one of the toughest situations to try and
fix out there. The odds are stacked highly against you; it isnt impossible, but its going to be
like climbing Everest. The few times you see guys turn things around with girls they lost, its
always a great story, and it seems like a triumphant moment, and the reason that is is because its
so rare and almost never happens.
Re: Persisting
Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 11 September 2011
Hey M,
Two things on this one:
1. Of course make sure you're persisting in a very cool, calm, charismatic and persuasive
way. There's a lot of salesmanship in it! If you're doing it right ("Let's get out of here and
go grab a nightcap; we can chill and relax and kick back a drink") it sounds a lot more
appealing than if you're not ("Come on, let's go back to my place"). This is especially
important when insisting -- you'll often have to get firm as things progress ("Yes -come! It will be fun. Yes, you know you want to come. We'll have a very nice drink and
relax. Come now. Yes, come").
2. The girls who end up "hating" you were not girls you "lost." Girls who like you either A)
come with you when you ask them to, or B) are flattered and excited that you tried to
make something happen with them (because that's ultimately what they want, too).
The girls that hate you when you push are the ones who were looking for you to be a guy
who could help them and support them and be their friend -- not for you to be their lover.
In other words, be cool about it, but don't stress the ones you lose -- they weren't going to be a
productive use of time (at least when it comes to getting lovers and relationships) anyway. They
wanted a man to dote on them and provide for them, or to be their guy pal.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
A week ago one of the readers of this blog, Alex, requested I get a post up on physical escalation
and getting on with the seduction once youve got a girl back somewhere private. Alexs
comment:
As for inviting her home, I would really love to see a post about transitioning to getting
physically when she's at my place. Do you kino a lot before you invite her home or leave it like
kissing for the right/better moment when two of you are all alone? Do you do more comfort stuff
to make her feel connected and comfortable and then maybe some talking about sex topics to
make her a little horny, how do you move closer to her both physically and mentally to have sex
with her? How do you proceed and from your experience how much kino is needed before trying
to sleep with her? Is it even required? On the other side, if there's no kino compliance before
such as careessing, initimate hand holding (you know who puts much emphasis on it), but no
problem with for example putting your hand on her lower back when shopping, should I be
concerned about it?
All very good questions, Alex. Ill share with you what Im doing these days, and what I advise
guys to do.
Typically though, it doesnt really help, and can often hinder by putting women on alert and
causing them to raise their guards.
You see, there are a few different ways to broach sex, and they basically look like this:
Seriously, rationally, logically, and directly. When you broach sex serious, as a serious
topic, whether in a sexy way or not, you are forcing a woman to think about it logically
and make a logical decision. The fact is that most women have a lot of issues around sex
(such as what their friends will think, about trying to keep their numbers down and not
sleep with too many men, about what the man theyre with will think about them if they
sleep with him too quickly, etc.), so when the issue is broached seriously and logically,
theyre forced to address it and come to a logical decision about it. So when a guy starts
talking about sex itself with a woman, her brain goes, Oh. Hes talking about sex. He
must want sex with me. Do I want sex with him?
The problem that occurs here is now the mixing of logic and emotions. Her logical brain
asks, Do I want sex with him? Then, her emotional brain responds: Well, lets see
Im not turned on. Im not horny right now. So no, I dont want sex with him. And
this is almost invariably what happens when sex is broached in a serious, direct, and
logical manner: women consider sex with the man discussing it with them, then rule
against him. Ive had it happen to me more times than I can count; its unfortunate, but
thats how it generally works. There is only a very small minority of women the very
open-minded kind, with zero hang ups about sex who are able to ask themselves, Do I
want sex with him? and come back with the answer, Well, Im not turned on, but hey,
why not? Its worth a shot. Thats maybe 1 2% of the female population. The rest of
women you lose when you go serious and logical.
Humorously, emotionally, and indirectly. Have you ever been in a relationship and
had a girl joke about marriage or babies? Like, youre sleeping with her and cumming in
her without condoms and at some point she jokes, We probably ought to start thinking
about where were going to put the crib. You probably laugh about this, maybe feel
mildly alarmed and start acting more responsible, but certainly dont hate the girl for it.
Now imagine youre seeing a girl who goes logical and serious on you: Do you want to
make me pregnant? If you get me pregnant, youre going to have to marry me. Yikes.
Scary, right?
This is the difference between directly and indirectly broaching sensitive topics
conversationally. There are a number of reasons why indirect works so much better
here; Id list them out, but thatd be a blog post in its own right. Suffice it to say that the
girl feels far less put upon when youre indirect about sex, and a lot of the mystery is
preserved. Look again at that indirect comment about the baby: does the girl want you to
get her pregnant and marry her or not? You cant really be sure from that, so her
intentions are somewhat mysterious. This is the best way to approach something where
people have conflicting emotions (e.g., modern mans base drive to reproduce versus his
logic-driven desire to preserve his freedom and not be forced to settle down; if she says,
I want babies with you, you freak out thinking she wants to tie you down; if she says,
I dont want babies with you, you feel insulted and judged unworthy. Sex is like this
for women; its better not to give a clear indication of your intentions until youre
intimate with them).
As far as how much touch you should have with a woman prior to working on physical
escalation well. Heres the thing. If youre very sexy, you dont need to touch a woman at
all prior to bringing her home. In fact, if youre very sexy, Id probably go as far as to say you
should avoid touching a girl unless it feels absolutely necessary. How come? Because when you
reach out and touch a girl, youre expending a little extra effort, and chasing a little bit more,
which sets up the wrong precedent.
However and this is a big one until you get to the place where youre a very sexy man,
you should absolutely be touching women a lot. Incidental touching is what you need to be
using to get girls comfortable with your touch. In lieu of base sexiness, incidental touch can help
close the gap and get women seeing you as a sexual man. Incidental touching also is extremely
important for developing your sense of how and when to touch women when youre learning.
Again, once youre a sexy man and youve mastered touch, you dont really need to touch a girl
at all until you kiss her for the first time. Until you get there though, you really do need to be
touching women at least a fair amount, and youll find that incidental touch (things like having
your hand on the small of a girls back, having her lean her head against you, having your leg
touching hers), this is all important. And when youre sexy, if you can get incidental touch while
seeming to get it naturally and effortlessly, it only helps your cause.
Note: Alex asks about caressing. Caressing is sexual touch and should only be done during the
actual physical escalation when youre somewhere private with a girl proceeding towards
intimacy. Doing it out in public is tantamount to talking about sex; its too obvious, betrays your
intentions, and causes women to push back as soon as the mood dissipates. Hand-holding is best
avoided altogether as its very couple-y and puts you into boyfriend territory, slowing things
down and making women demand more of you. I have another post on this upcoming sometime
soon specifically, but basically, yeah, you dont want to hold a girls hand.
When its on already when you can tell shes very turned on, breathing heavy, and completely
ready to receive you things are easy and the only thing you must do is act quickly. Delaying
will cause her to cool off and be lost. You must get intimate with her upon walking in the door,
ideally, or within five minutes maximum. You can wall slam her (put one hand behind her back
and one behind her head and slam her into the wall, hitting only your hands, and kiss her
passionately), and escalate quickly from there. You can sit down and pull her into you and begin
escalating. All you have to do when its on is get on with it, and youll usually have only very
minimal resistance to deal with.
When it isnt fully on yet is where you need more process, which is what the remainder of the
sections in this post are to be about.
kind of a symbolic act that makes her feel like shell stay awhile, like shes now more
comfortable, and that shes taken off an article of clothing in your home already.
So, to sum up, for getting girls comfortable:
and leave because I tried to kiss them in my apartment but a heck of a lot more that have
kissed me back and gone to bed with me.
You must make a move. This is probably the most important part of physical escalation; the rest
is icing on the cake.
The Kiss
Sometimes you will need to use a manhandle kiss when a girl gives you resistance to kissing.
Thats probably considered assault or something the United States and Sweden, but whatever. If
you watch old movies, this is how it used to be done in the States. Now I think youre supposed
to sign a contract of mutual consent or something and go through a five day waiting period
before engaging in any kind of physical contact. Im kidding of course, but just to make the
point: I think a lot of guys nowadays hear about taking a woman whos struggling against you
and just pulling her in and forcing her to give you a peck on the lips anyway and go, Oh no! He
wants me to kiss rape a girl! Well, youre not really kissing her, just giving her a peck on the
lips, then dropping it. Sometimes you need to do it this way though.
I have a lot of girls resist me on the first kiss. I pull them in hard anyway though, and give them
a peck on the lips. Then, I let them go, and continue the conversation as if nothing had happened
whatsoever. Ill talk about whats on the news, for instance. So itll go like this:
Me: I think its kind of awesome how fast they deposed the Egyptian government.
Girl: Yeah
Me: [stare at girl sexily for a moment. Pull girls chin in my direction. Girl struggles and fights; I
grab her head and pull her in, then plant a quick kiss on her lips. I loosen my hold on her, smile
at her, then let her go entirely]
Me: What do you think happens next now that the kicked Mubarak out? Does the military take
power, or do they hold elections, or what?
The casual conversation does a few really, really good things for you. Heres what it does:
After I reengage her logically, most girls are really flustered, and Ill just go in for another kiss
and they love it. Some girls act completely chill and nonplussed, and those girls might resist you
a bit again when you go for it again. So, in that case, just wash, rinse, and repeat.
Once I am able to kiss a girl and have her just melt into it and kiss me back, Ill draw my lips
away, look at her closely, and tell her her lips are so soft or that she tastes good. Then Ill go
back to kissing.
Physical Escalation
I was talking to a friend yesterday, and he said he used to spend thirty or forty minutes making
out with girls before sleeping with them. Thirty or forty minutes!
I said, I used to spend about six or seven minutes making out with girls before moving things
forward.
You should always try to move things forward as quickly as possible without moving too
quickly. Theres a fine line to walk in the escalation where you push limits, but dont have the
girl push back. Its deserving of another post, but basically what youre aiming for is being able
to physically escalate to the point where shes about to refuse or pull your hand away, but you
stop or tone it down or move to another part of her body before she can. That way, you are
always moving things forward without having her giving you resistance.
Speaking of resistance, the old Star Trek resistance is futile line springs to mind. Never let
resistance suck the wind out of your sails. Certainly respect a girls resistance, and if she doesnt
want you doing something, stop doing it for at least a few minutes. Then start again. If she
wants to stop you, she can stop you. Then you start again later.
If she really doesnt want to go to bed with you, she will leave. If shes still there, but
resisting, take it as her way of saying, I want you and I like you and Im attracted to you, but
you need to get me more comfortable with you right now before Im ready for this.
Dont start thinking youll put it off until later, because later never happens, and peoples
feelings change, and if a girl doesnt sleep with you you had a chance to sleep with, shell look
back and tell herself there was a reason it didnt happen. You need to close the deal while shes
with you, which means you must be persistent.
In Walk the Line, I discuss a girl I slept with who gave me a great deal of resistance because
she had a boyfriend she loved. It took me about two to two-and-a-half hours to break through her
resistance and reach the point where I was able to enter her and complete the seduction. In my
earlier days I wouldve given up after an hour or so, but these days I know that the longer you
escalate on a girl and she sticks around, the closer and closer she gets to simply giving in and
getting intimate with you. The more time you spend escalating on a girl, generally, so long as
youre being passionate and aggressive, the more shes going to want to give in to you.
That brings us to the Big Three of physical escalation:
Passion
Aggressiveness
Persistence
You must show passion to inspire passion in her and make her want you. You must be
aggressive in moving things forward and getting ever more physical with her. And you must be
persistent in trying and trying again and not losing faith even if she stops your ten or fifteen
times, and you must not get upset or bitter and instead take it all in stride and understand that she
simply isnt comfortable enough yet and its your job to make her more comfortable with you
touching her and getting increasingly more physical with her.
Some tips on how best to physically escalate:
Pull her into you. Have you ever had a girl yank you into her during a physical
escalation? Its a big turn-on, right? Works both ways. Its also in good keeping with the
Law of Least Effort; by pulling her into you, you get her coming to you, instead of you
chasing after her and going to her. Much more effective for setting the proper tone during
a seduction than leaning into her and pursuing her. And by physically moving her and
having her comply, youre getting investment to boot.
Run your hands up and down her body. Because she isnt comfortable at all with you
yet, when you first start touching a womans body shes often inclined to move your
hand off of where youre touching, particularly if its a sensitive area like her breast, butt,
or pussy. When you keep your hands moving, though, and not stopping on any one place
in particular, youre able to get her comfortable with your hands on her there without
having her trying to stop you. Soon enough youre able to leave your hand where you
want to leave it for a prolonged time.
Pull shirts down rather than up. Its often pretty difficult to get a girls shirt off and get
to her breasts that way. So what I always do is pull down the neckline of her shirt or
sweater, pull the top of her bra down, and start sucking on her nipples that way. It makes
it immensely easier to get her shirt and bra off once youve already sucked on her nipples
a few times she reasons youve already seen and touched and licked the most private
part there, and, besides shes very turned on now!
Get her panties off first. If you have a choice, always go for pants / panties over shirts
and bras. Its sometimes easier to get a girls pants and panties off first, and once theyre
off, everything else will come off to.
Get to penetrative vaginal sex as soon as possible. I dont personally get much
enjoyment out of oral or anal sex, so this ones a no-brainer for me, but I know a lot of
guys who love getting blowjobs from girls and love giving girls anal sex. Nothing wrong
with this, unless you go for these first: its not always the case, but sometimes getting
oral or anal sex first means you dont get anything else from a girl. Most women
consider oral and anal to be lower on the totem pole of importance than anal; for
instance, a girl might give a blowjob to a guy whos just okay but refuse him vaginal sex,
and if you get a blowjob first but not vaginal sex, she might later refuse to do anything
further with you. Once you are inside her pussy, everything else is open to you.
A corollary of this rule is that if you have an opportunity to get to vaginal sex you
should take it, even if its somewhere you cant properly make love to a girl. Reason
why is that once youve been inside her, its already a done deal, and you can go back to
it later; but the reverse is often not the case. If, for instance, youre making out in the
back of a car, and shes ready for intimacy, but instead you take her out of the car and
back to your place, expecting to sleep with her there, you may encounter a whole new
wave of resistance in your bedroom and possibly not even sleep with her. If instead you
simply pull her panties down in the car and insert yourself there, you can spend a minute
or two inside her, then take her back to your place and you wont encounter any
resistance.
~~~~~~~~~~
And that ought to do it. This post came out to be rather long, but hopefully contains some good
information and a few insights that are new. This is most of what Im doing seduction-wise these
days and its been working quite well; I predict that if you start implementing these tactics and
techniques and mindsets into your endgame, youll see a marked uptick in your returns with
women.
So, in that case heres to your success!
Chase Amante
osted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 26 May 2011
Hey Jimmy,
As you get increasingly sexy, touching girls becomes less necessary. It's more important for
guys who are starting out to cross the tension gap.
There's some debate about how much to touch a girl once you become sexy between my friends
and I. I think occasional touch is still good; some men I know who are very sexy still touch
women heavily, but the most prolific guys I know have it scaled down to very minor amounts of
touch prior to intimacy.
I'd say, once you're very sexy, physical proximity is more important than actual touch.
I'll get a post up soon on how best to guarantee you see a girl again, but I'm a big believer in:
1. Get fully intimate with a girl as fast as possible so that boundary has been crossed, and
2. Make sure things end very well and smoothly as you say goodbye and send her a followup text so she doesn't feel "used"
3. See her not more than a few days later
I'll get a full article up on that soon...
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Hey Dave,
Indeed -- it's that balance in the middle that's where you want to get to. All things in life, really - most people lean to the far sides rather than find that happy medium in the middle of the curve
where most of the success is. Probably just because extremes are easier than holding the middle
ground.
On holding hands, well, I used to do it, but it's just way too... couple-y. It almost seems to
communicate to the girl, "I like you a lot, in a really innocent, respectful way." It's like, welcome
back to 19th Century Victorian England.
Just a personal feeling there... I've really tried to scrape all traces of "boyfriend potential" from
the things I do with women, because even a bit of that stuff can really lead women to put the
brakes on things and work to get you investing a lot more in exchange for the two of you
becoming lovers.
Even when I lead women physically now while we're out and about, it's more "manly." Like,
hand firmly on the small of her back, slightly pushing her forward somewhat, and again, firmly.
None of the limp-arm-around-her-waist stuff that a lot of guys do... doesn't communicate what I
want to communicate.
Basically, I ruled out hand-holding because I want a greater level of conversion with girls, and
my findings have supported the theory -- I'd get a lot more resistance trying to take to bed girls I
held hands with than girls I didn't.
Cheers,
Chase
by Chase Amante
Saturday, 22 October 2011
A reply to this would be much appreciated but a blog post on why a girl would do this would be
awesome.
Our reader's case here is a classic case of last minute resistance, or LMR -- that thing that
happens when it feels for all the world like you're just about to sleep with a girl, that it's totally
inevitable, that all that either of the two of you want in all of existence is to just be together...
and then she suddenly, inexplicably, unexpectedly throws a wall up and won't let you proceed.
Why's that happen, and what can you do about it?
To show you how to get a girl in bed and overcome last minute resistance, first we're going to
have to get you to understand why women react this way -- and then we're going to have to teach
you what you can do about it.
Whoa, that wasn't good, you think. The confidence you had moments earlier that this was the car
for you instantly and totally evaporates. Now you're certain this isn't the one for you.
"Is it supposed to do that?" you ask the dealer nervously.
"Oh," he says, "you have the emergency brake on. Jesus, be careful," he says, putting the
emergency brake down for you, "you'll break the car driving like that."
You blush. "My mistake," you say, suddenly reassured. "I didn't realize."
"It's all right!" he laughs kindly. "Let's head back to the lot." You do, but you're still on edge.
Adrenaline is coursing through your veins. You like this car -- it's everything you wanted -- but
the memory of that shuddering, even though you caused it, is still in your head, and your
embarrassment at driving with the emergency brake on is making you uncomfortable.
"Yeah, it's a good car," you tell him when you make it back to the lot.
"Great. So you'll take it?" he asks expectantly.
"Ummm...." you say, "I'll think about. Okay?"
You leave, and never return. You end up buying a different car a few weeks later -- one you
didn't even like as much as that first one.
Why'd all this happen?
Well, it happened because you were the buyer, the dealer was the seller, and as the one making a
big purchase with limited information who knows his information is limited and possibly flawed,
you were on edge the entire time, ears perked for the slightest hint you were buying a lemon, and
sensitive to any inability on the part of the seller to get you completely calm and reassured that
this is the one for you.
In other words, you just experienced last minute resistance, and you got to be on the other
side of a transaction getting tossed in the trash pail over seemingly minute details.
Welcome to the tough reality of life as a woman.
other way there is. Furthermore, she doesn't actually know him -- and for all she knows, the child
she's carrying might end up being slow, or strange, or something else that she hadn't recognized
from that cursory glance she gave the guy.
And that's not even to mention the potential damage her reputation and ability to land a high
quality mate later on might suffer if the man is indiscrete or turns out to be a social outcast. Or
the danger he might pose to her personally if he turns out to be crazy -- a big, strong man is a
very real threat to a woman, who's usually going to be smaller and a lot less aggressive than he
is. There are a ton of reasons -- both practical and biological -- that women need to be a lot more
careful than men in who they go to bed with.
It's just like a car buyer who buys the first car she sees that looks good; for all she knows, simply
grabbing that first thing to come her way, the engine might just fall out on the way home.
Because of this, car buyers are usually quite careful about their purchases, and women are
usually quite careful about their lovers. The stakes for the buyers are much, much higher
than they are for the sellers.
This is where last minute resistance comes from. It's also where flakiness, mind-changing, and
unpredictability comes from. What seems like nitpicky silliness to a man is usually a very big
deal to a woman.
What if it turns out to be no good, despite all the checks you've done?
What if you're actually paying too much, and you won't realize it until it's too late?
What if there might be a better car out there, and you're going with one that doesn't
measure up compared with what you might get?
These are the kinds of concerns that might pop into your head at the last minute when buying a
car. And they're very similar to the ones that pop into many women's heads before the moment
of truth in a seduction.
No matter how sold she was on you up to that point, it's common for worries to run through her
head like:
What if he doesn't actually like me that much, and he's just saying he likes me to get sex?
What if he's going to think I'm too easy if we have sex now, and he's going to toss me
aside immediately after?
What if he's not what he says he is, and I'm being tricked and deceived?
What if my friends find out? Will they judge me? Will they like him?
What if I don't want this with this guy? Maybe I'm making a mistake.
What if he isn't the best guy for me? Am I 100% sure I want him?
These are the kind of things you're up against when you're trying to get a girl in bed and you run
into last minute resistance. This is why she suddenly and inexplicably freezes up, pushes back,
or starts trying to shut you down when, like our reader with the girl with the sandwich at the start
of this article, you finally make your move.
For a most women, physical intimacy feels like a very big deal because, historically and
evolutionarily speaking, it was (and frequently still is). For that reason, it gets treated with the
same level of seriousness you'd treat an important buying decision, like signing for a new car or
a new house: this isn't something to just sign your life away for and figure out the details on
later.
The problem is, as you probably can infer from our car example, when you let a buyer walk
away they almost never walk back. Occasionally they do... but if you're counting on this as a
part of your sales process, you're going to go out of business in a hurry. This is what happened to
our reader, and this is why his girl -- who was ready to go the night before, with just a slightly
different strategy -- changed her tune the next morning. She was ready to buy but walked away
before she could -- and then she wasn't going to walk back.
If you're a used car dealer, you've got to do everything in your power to reassure and excite the
car shoppers who visit your dealership as much as is humanly possible that yes, they want your
cars. It helps a lot if you've got awesome cars on display that are awesome under the hood, too;
but if you've got great salesmanship but poor cars, you'll just do okay, and if you've got great
cars but poor salesmanship, you'll do even worse.
And so it is with women: you can't rely on just having great fundamentals or just having
good close game.
You need both... or you're going to struggle with getting girls in bed 'til kingdom comes.
salesman and a great salesman is that a great salesman identifies needs his buyer didn't
even know she had.
You might start getting to know a girl and having her tell you about herself, and you
find it's primarily superficial, surface-level stuff she's telling you. That's fine. If you ask
her what her needs are right now, she'll tell you something about how she wants to be
happy and free and have a good companion and things like that. Pretty standard stuff that
most men and women would say in response to that question.
In other words, she has no idea what she needs.
It's your job to find out what she needs by inspiring her. You see, people are all pretty
similar -- we all want to learn, be challenged, grow, feel encouraged, and spend time
with someone interesting and engaging and confident and real. If you can tease out
her real dreams and motivations early on in getting to know her via deep diving, you can
get her consciously realizing needs she didn't realize she had.
2. Meet her needs. The next step toward bedding a girl after identifying her needs, of
course, is meeting them. No, not like that -- not yet, anyway. I mean showing her how
you can meet her needs -- without expressly telling her.
This'd be like the difference between the used car dealer just throwing you in a decent
sports car and asking you how you liked it afterwards, and the used car dealer priming
you first by asking you if you'd like a car that handles really well, if you'd like a car that
accelerates quickly, if you'd like a car that feels good under your fingertips and gives you
a sense of control and a command over the road that's hard to match -- and then putting
you in the sports car and saying, "Here's the one I've got that I think will most closely
match what you're looking for." You'll start driving it, and you'll say to yourself, "Wow.
This is exactly what I want!"
You should actively seek to personify in yourself the things that the people around you
need. If one of your friends needs a rock to lean on because he's going through hard
times, you're a rock. If your buddy needs someone to tell him he's being an idiot because
he is, you tell him he's an idiot and to knock off the idiot thing he's doing. And if a girl
you're with needs a sense of adventure, excitement, and freedom in her life, you do your
darnedest to give her that in your conversation and interaction with her. For a bit of an
idea on how to do that specifically, see "The Conversationalist."
3. Move fast, move confidently, and lead her decisively. Just like a nervous real estate
agent would freak you out about buying a house and scare you off, and a real estate agent
who moved slowly, seemed unsure, and didn't close probably wouldn't end up with you
signing any contracts, so it is with women -- the men who fail to move quickly and
decisively rarely get them.
When you've got a girl you like, and you can tell she likes you, don't dawdle. Move
things as fast as she can stand it -- keep things flowing ever forward, and don't hope for
things to happen -- make them happen.
4. Get buy-in: shoes off at the door. I got this one way back in the day from the guy I
learned the most from early on... and man, is it good. Get used to having everyone who
enters your home take their shoes off and leave them just inside the door. It sounds silly,
but the buy-in you get from having a girl take an article of clothing -- even one as
seemingly insignificant as her shoes -- off at your door is tremendous.
To her, it feels like she's committing to stay a while... she instantly feels more
comfortable and casual... she's followed your lead, respected the rules of the house, and
taken off something she was wearing... and to top it all off, your place stays cleaner. For
simplicity and ease of implementation, having her take her shoes off at your door can't be
beat.
5. Kiss her within 10 minutes of getting home with her. Not just getting home, really, but
getting anywhere you might possibly be able to get a girl in bed or even get intimate with
her without a bed. Wherever you're going to get physical, this rule applies.
What about giving her time to relax? you might ask. Nah-uh. If she's nervous, it's
because she's excited. If you give her time for her nervousness to wear off, that means
she isn't excited anymore -- or maybe even has gone into auto-rejection -- and if you go
for it then, it'll be too late and she'll feel uncomfortable and turn away or leave, more
often than not.
What about if you're nervous? Same rule applies. There's nothing worse than putting off
kissing a girl right away because you want to calm yourself down first. And then 30
minutes goes by. And then an hour. And then two hours. And you realize that, contrary to
the, "I'll just wait until I calm down," theory, you're now even more nervous than before,
and it feels like the moment has passed, on top of that.
Kiss girls within 10 minutes of getting them into your place alone, maximum. Try to
shoot for 5 minutes max, or less. Almost every girl who'd kiss you after an hour would've
kissed you within 5 minutes, but many girls who'd have kissed you 5 minutes into being
alone with you won't kiss you an hour later when it's feeling awkward and weird. Don't
miss the window -- kiss her within 5 to 10 minutes after making it back to your
place.
6. Keep your hands moving early on. As you begin escalating physically, your hands
should be sliding slowly but steadily over her body. Don't leave them resting on her
breast, buttocks, or thigh -- keep them moving. This is how you'll acclimate her to your
hands touching all over her body and prime her for you touching her more heavily in just
a moment.
7. Start -- then pull back. Long ago, there was something in the seduction community
people referred to as "push-pull," but when you'd ask for a definition of it it seemed you
could never get a straight one. I don't think I ever quite figured out what push-pull was
for at least a few years of being familiar with pick up.
But, eventually, figure it out I did.
You can push forward with things -- then suddenly pull back. This works amazingly well
with all kinds of things girls think they aren't ready for you to do yet. It's the philosophy
behind manhandle kisses -- give her a strong, manly peck on the lips, even if she pulls
back or resists a bit, and then totally let her go and revert to just chilling for a few
moments before resuming -- and it works with everything else in late-stage seduction,
too.
You always want to give her room so that she feels and knows she can get up and leave
any time if she wants to (that's when you pull completely back and stop touching her and
be fully casual); somewhat ironically, you make her a lot more comfortable and excited
about being with you when you make it clear to her (without saying so) that she can
leave at any time. Very rarely will you ever have women who've come all the way back
to your apartment with you actually get up and leave because you started getting physical
-- unless, that is, you ever make them feel like they won't be able to leave. That's usually
the only time they get up and go (if it ever starts feeling very awkward is the other).
Then, after a brief break, you resume. Then, you take another break. Then you resume
again. And so on, until the two of you at last go to bed as lovers or she becomes certain
that yes, this is definitely what she wants, and begins attacking you with as much
certainty and ardor as you are her.
8. Address objections simply without getting logical. Unlike with selling cars, you
absolutely do not want to logically address a woman's concerns during a seduction.
Why? Because logic sets off alarms to women that a man's being manipulative.
The quick and dirty rationale behind that is that it's very easy to lie, and so women are
programmed to become cautious around men who might potentially be doing that. So,
women respond far better to men who address their concerns with confidence and charm,
which is much harder to fake than logic.
In response to, "This is too fast for me," you can smile and say, "I think the speed is just
right. Or are you smiling for some other reason?" In response to, "I don't even know
you!" you can get in close and whisper, "Yes you do. I'm me."
To a man, those might sound silly. But to a woman, who's trying to calm her sudden
indecision at the point of the sale, some soothing words from the confident man she's
about to become lovers with is often exactly what she needs to relax and open herself up
to intimacy. Said slowly with a sexy voice and sexy smile, these will often be enough to
completely disarm the women in your bed... and you may not even need to pull out the
big guns -- steps 9 and 10.
9. Use "bursts of passion." A tool that I discovered toward the end of last year was
something I termed "bursts of passion;" basically, with a girl who's being resistant and
not letting you proceed with a seduction (but still sticking around and obviously into you
-- if she wasn't, she'd leave), you suddenly launch into an all-out BURST of passionate
kissing, touching, stroking, and caressing, firmly and lustfully, as though you've
suddenly been overcome and cannot control your desire for her.
This takes even the most level-headed women and melts them in the intense pleasure and
arousal of the moment, and allows you to move things forward, if only momentarily
before they regain control of their senses again. But, if you do this in conjunction with
the next step, there's a very good chance you'll make a permanent gain in moving the
seduction forward...
10. Hit milestones. One of the weird things about psychology is the concept of "walls," and
how, once you've climbed them, you've hit a milestone where suddenly the person who's
wall's been climbed feels that things have changed. For instance, if you're trying to drive
home drunk and I'm trying to stop you, the major wall we need to climb is for me to get
your keys. Once your keys are in my hand, you're going to feel very strongly and
absolutely that you've given into my desire for you to not drive drunk and you'll be a lot
more likely to stop trying to drive yourself home than if I let you hang onto your keys
and didn't take them.
In seduction, you should be aiming to climb walls and hit milestones throughout the
course of a seduction. One of the first walls you climb in a pick up is getting a girl to
move with you. Once she has, you've passed a milestone; she now feels committed to
talking with you. Taking her home is another milestone. Kissing her is yet another.
Women have their walls at different heights for different milestones. For one
woman, the first kiss is a BIG deal, and she'll fight like crazy to not kiss you even if
you've gone on a number of dates with her. Once you make it past that wall though, and
get the first kiss or two, everything else is a lot easier. For another woman, kissing is no
big deal at all, and maybe even letting you take her shirt and bra off is no big deal, but if
you go for her pants she freaks out. Once her pants are off though, it's game over.
Occasionally you'll encounter women who are comfortable all the way up to being
completely naked with you, but have a wall up about intimacy itself. And occasionally
you'll encounter women with multiple big walls, and occasionally you'll encounter
women with no walls at all.
When you combine bursts of passion with an objective of getting over walls and hitting
milestones, you can use it to great effect. Say you have a girl who absolutely, positively
will not let you take her shirt off. So, you relax for a moment... you let her unwind... and
then you start kissing her again. Just a little bit at first -- but then, suddenly, you dial up
the passion and all but attack her. She becomes passionate too, kissing you back with
force and lust, and then, at the height of both of your passion, you tear off her shirt and
toss it across the room (so she can't easily put it back on if she cools off).
She may continue being passionate at this point, or she may calm down and get logical
again for a moment, but whichever happens, you'll have hit a milestone and made
forward progress.
Rest, rinse, and repeat.
Now, don't overstep your bounds and go getting yourself charged with a crime or anything
here... use this stuff within reason. But if you follow these steps, I guarantee you're going to be
so incredibly good at opening up women who were previously closed off that they're going to be
amazed at how it happened. And I bet you, had our reader coupled a few bursts of passion with a
focus on climbing walls and hitting milestones, he would've gotten her panties off at some point
(and hopefully thrown them behind a couch or a bookcase somewhere).
Passion at anything -- whether seduction or sales -- is a skill, and it's one it'll serve you
extremely well to spend time in developing. Whether you're passionate about selling cars to car
shoppers, or passionate about selling a night with you to a skeptical woman, you'll get a lot more
closes and cut through last minute resistance a lot more easily if you can make your buyers as
excited about the sale as you are.
So, aim to be known by women as a passionate lover. It's vitally important to throw yourself into
lovemaking and give a woman an experience unlike any she's likely ever had before -- and that
includes in the lead up before the sale. You should aim to be the most passionate, lustful,
memorable experience of her life. And if you can do that, you'll know how to get a girl in bed
like the best of them.
Yours,
Chase
by Alek Rolstad
Friday, 27 September 2013
Last month I shared a report that doubled as a how-to on getting threesomes ("Threesome
How-To: Step-by-Step to Get Two Girls") that was a big hit, in which I covered one of my
real-life interactions leading to a threesome. What people really liked about it were all the details
and the analysis following the tips given in the report. Written this way, the report served as a
guide to doing what I do with sex talk and getting threesomes.
Id therefore like to keep up with the concept of combining reports and how-tos, but I will cover
different elements in each of these so as not be repetitive. Today we will mostly cover:
The point of including this in a report is to show you not just how to deal with last minute
resistance, but also how to avoid it entirely, since this resistance is most often a case of you
either not screening properly or not handling things properly, although sometimes you really
cannot handle things perfectly due to the circumstances you meet a girl in.
My plan with my writing will often be focused about sharing material, but also sharing material
within a context. This way I believe it gives you, the reader, a broader perspective about how to
use the material in real life situations, and more properly shows and tells how it all works
together.
The event of this report event is from last Saturday night where I pulled a really hot girl from a
club. However, what makes this event interesting to me (and hopefully you) was that this girl
was rather introverted, shy and if my assumption is right, not used to have a lot of random
sex.
As a matter of fact, it became harder than expected to seal the deal with her. She gave me a great
deal of resistance to sex (last minute resistance). Now, the cause might be that I didnt set a
proper sexual frame early on, or maybe the frame I sat was not strong enough.
Either way, we need to accept the fact that no matter how good with girls we are, we still
make mistakes. Seduction is vague and it is difficult to always calibrate perfectly for every girl.
Also keep in mind that seduction is very context-sensitive, which sadly doesnt always give you
the chance to have full-control over the interaction (and your girl's emotions).
Background
I believe its necessary to cover some earlier events from the night out. But in order to make
things more exciting and hopefully educational for you, Ill add in some advice along the way
my content only policy applies here as well.
This happened on a Saturday night. Sadly, I had to work Saturday morning, and it was a very
hard day at work. I came home and was really tired. When you are tired, your vibe becomes
weaker, your motivation lower and your game sloppier. Usually I avoid going out when I feel
like shit. But sometimes you simply really want to go out.
You never know what the night will lead to.
What motivated me? Well, the thing is that you never really know where youre going to end up
even when you go out unmotivated and unenergetic. Frequently, the best nights out are the
least expected ones. I cant count how many times I have been out, expecting jack all to happen,
considering those nights to be all about just chilling or taking it slow, only to have these
times result in me having my mind blown out from all the unexpected crazy goings on that
unfolded instead.
I believe this is a strong motivator to go out regardless how youre feeling. I know it is for me. It
is exciting to just jump into it and see what happens. Of course sometimes nothing will happen
and it sucks, but honestly it is worth it, because as long as youre open for it, life will offer you
some chances that you need to take... from which you will be rewarded with crazy, exciting
experiences from time to time.
It actually worked out quite well. Try it out once; it is actually a very healthy little mix for you.
First Approach
I first went to a bar, but it was a little dead, unfortunately. Nothing much happened, so I decided
to head to a club nearby. The club was a bit more packed. I got myself a glass of scotch and was
ready to go.
Usually clubs are good because you can do a lot of dance floor stuff. But for some weird reason,
I have grown a little bored of dancing with girls and personally prefer verbal game these days.
But should you do verbal game on a dance floor? Heck no!
So what I usually do is to head to the smoking area. Smoking areas are nice because people
are there to talk to each other. On the dance floor, for whatever reason is usually the place where
most men do their lame approaches. But in the smoking area most men dont approach girls.
Therefore, you will most frequently not face nearly as much closed-offedness as the dance floor
when you approach women there it is all more open and genuine.
Either way, I spot a sweet blond girl there, whom well call Natalie. We started talking and the
vibe was good. I sadly dont really remember how it all started out, but it is a little irrelevant for
this report. All I can tell is that she approached me. Now you might wonder how is that
possible?
There are a few things that lead to this:
1. My style often gives me a lot of attention. A red shirt definitely makes you stand
out. Not only do you express confidence by wearing something original, but also women
become more curious about you. A man who dresses really well is always a bonus for
girls.
2. Sexy, peacocked dress gives women a reason to approach you as you are
dressing in rather particular way.
I went to the bathroom, which is a unisex one (awesome!). I took a leak and went out. On the
way out I spotted a very hot girl with her male friend (who turned out to be gay). As she walked
in I asked her if she could pee for me as well which generated some laughter. I wanted to talk
to her, so I decided to wait till she was done peeing. In order to not come across as a creepy
stalker, I went for the mirror in order to fix my hair in the meantime. She came out and I asked
her how it was:
Anna: It was great.
Alek: Did you know that some people have pee-fetishes, who enjoy golden showers?
Anna: Yeah I know, are you into that?
Alek: I do understand why some people enjoy it; there is certain aspect of dominance in it but
not my cup of tea!
As you can see, I talked about something rather extreme, so extreme that it doesnt get taken
seriously. However, the topic is very sexual. This is good way to transition into a sexual topic.
The way this works is that by being so extreme, people start thinking you are joking. When it
comes to women, it lowers her walls, because she has nothing to fear you are joking, after all
right?
Anna: Oh so sad you and Adam [her gay friend] would be so sweet together. [i.e. you are hot
enough for her friend, then you are probably hot enough for her as well I consider this a subtle
sign of interest]
Adam: No, he is not gay, I can sense it on him but yeah, he dresses well.
Alek: Thanks, buddy. If I were gay, I would have eaten you up right away.
My last statement is somewhat interesting. There are some important elements to take note off:
1. First of all, I show off a lot of sexual confidence telling him that the only
reason for me to not fuck men is because I dont find them attractive. This creates a
perception of me as a man who knows what he wants and who isnt afraid to go for it.
2. Secondly, it shows some sexual openness, as I am not scared of homosexuals, I
accept them (I actually really like them they are usually very cool people). It shows
that homosexuality for me is not an issue. The worst thing you can do when you interact
with homosexuals is to not show them respect (treating them like actual human beings).
Women really like gay men (not sexually) and by behaving in a disrespectful manner
toward them, you are disrespecting the girls friend which she wont respond well to.
But even better, by treating gay men well, you display an image of you as sexually open,
which, we by now know, is a good thing.
The interaction went well. The problem, however, was that my girl was rather introverted. I
tried to drag her into the conversation but she was always a little bit on the outside, letting her
very extroverted gay friend do the talking. I never really had the chance to interact alone with
my girl.
Nor was she really participating in the conversation. What made it even harder for me was the
fact that she never really gave me any clear signs of interest, but only few small and subtle
ones. I could have capitalized on them, but I dont want to settle for a girl unless I know its on.
As you guys know, I am a busy man who doesnt want to waste time on bad leads so, I
ejected.
Isabella was accidently away from her group (yes, sometimes by the end of the night girls can
be alone by themselves especially if they are looking for a mate) looking at my belly pretty
shocked (probably thinking: you are such a dirty man which in my opinion is exactly what I
wanted her to think).
I reached my hand out, like if I was about to give her a handshake. This is a rather innocent
move and most somewhat receptive girls will grab your hand in return and shake it as if you
were just introducing yourself to her. However, once they grab my hand, I pull them into me
and place their hands on my shoulder. This is a wonderful dance floor opener, and it works
most of the time.
We then danced for a bit. I started progressively touching her body. Slowly moving from
innocent to more intimate areas, such as going for her upper arms and shoulders into touching
some more intimate areas such as her hips and the side of her stomach.
Mutual Escalation
In order to make it all more powerful, I made sure that the escalation was mutual I made her
touch me in return.
The reason for that being so powerful is rather obvious think about it, what is the best
scenario one where you only touch the girl and she doesnt touch you back, or the one where
both of you are touching each other?
The second one is obviously the best, as it creates a little bubble and makes the seduction mutual
creating the we are into each other type of frame, which is very powerful. Furthermore, it
also forces her to invest in you as she is touching you, which is also very powerful and sets a
frame of her chasing you.
But the question is how do you make her touch you in return? It is actually very simple:
you just grab her hand and put it somewhere on your body. Really it is that simple.
From there you progress by leading her hands to different areas on your body by following a
simple escalation pattern (make her touch your innocent areas first and if she is receptive,
make her touch more intimate areas). At the end I made her touch my belly, which by the time
was uncovered. Making her touch your skin will make her really horny (touching naked skin is
hot).
Outside we finally got to introduce ourselves to each other. I knew it was on she enjoyed my
kisses, she actually dragged me out of the club and she was very direct with her touch when we
were on the dance floor, making the overall vibe between us quite strong.
But her interest toward me became even more obvious when she started asking me where I
lived. I told her I lived far away (which isnt true, but for logistical reasons I cant bring people
over at the moment no, I dont live with my parents). As my logistics are bad, my only option
was to figure out her logistical situation, so I now asked her where she lived. But it turned out
she lived even farther away than the first girl I approached!
Damn it, it definitely was not my night. These were my choices so far that night:
1. I had one girl that lived far away, who was obviously into me, but seems to really be into
getting a boyfriend (Natalie, the first girl)
2. I had an even hotter girl who was even more into me, but lived even farther away
screw my life (the Brazilian girl, Isabella)
3. There was the really hot redhead girl I met in the bathroom (Anna), who was somewhat
into me, but had only given me a few very subtle signs of interest. At no point there has
been any its on moments with her, where it becomes somewhat obvious that there is
something going on between us that we are a potential match. I also had no idea where
she lived
Now it all came down to decision-making.
The first girl, Natalie, was out of the question because she was the least attractive of the three.
She also seemed to be too obsessed with finding a boyfriend. Isabella, however, was smoking
hot and seemed really turned on. She was obviously up for a one-night stand as she somewhat
tried to get to my place (asking me at that point in the interaction where I lived was somewhat of
a sex invitation). I could have gone for a hotel room pull, but my money is short. Bathroom pull
was an option but it was soon closing time and 10 minutes of bathroom sex is not good enough
for me.
I decided to keep talking with Isabella for a little bit until I figured out how to deal with the
situation. But, to my shock, Anna (the redhead) popped up again, calling out to me with a,
There you are Alek. She was now somewhat competing for my attention but for all I know
she was just trying to be friendly and enter the conversation.
Isabella backed off and told me she was going inside to see her friend which was probably a
trick to see if I was really willing to go for her. She was breaking rapport with me in order to
make me to run back to her, trying to make me chase her. Wise move from her, but I could use
this to my advantage: Id talk a little more with Anna and find out whether she a) lived nearby,
b) had some interest in casual sex, c) and was into me or not. As Id be talking with her outside,
I could easily catch up with Isabella when she left the club, in case things went south with Anna.
Adam was with her and I decided to get under a roof as itd started raining. It is always wise to
do a little change of location as it creates some rapport. We talked a little, until a very creepy
man stood beside Anna gazing her down in a really creepy way. She asked him to stop, but he
didnt. I had to rescue her by dragging them away from him. We then made fun of the guy
Alek: Geez what a creepy guy. Strong eye contact is sexy, but he is doing it in such a creepy
way.
Anna: Yeah absolutely.
Adam: Well, I sometimes meet some men who are that direct. [of course you do gay men are
usually very direct]
They then asked what I worked with to which I told them I was writing about sexual utopias.
From there, I mentioned that I am deeply concerned with sexual openness, laying out my utopia
where every set of people who are into each other simply just have sex with one another.
Alek: But the problem is that is that for example women cant just fuck round without being
judged it is so unfair [trying to show some understanding in women social-cultural/political
position when it comes to sex]
Adam: Yes; if a girl fucks too many men she gets labelled a slut, whereas we men, gay
especially, can just fuck around as much as we want.
Alek: Give me a hug Adam you are spot on.
Anna: Yeah! Its so unfair
After some further sex talking, I start using an assumption.
Alek: Anna, to me you seem like a very sweet and innocent girl [assumption] but I believe
you still are a woman, which means you have certain needs.
Anna: Of course I do! Isnt that just being human? [this is an okay reaction, but not a perfect
one]
We talked about sex a little more, but I never got the desired reaction that I hoped for from her. I
didnt get the whoa you are so right, the how do you know all this? or the stop it youre
turning me on reaction. I didnt get any strong nonverbal signs of interest either. She also
remained a little bit on the outside of the interaction.
I asked them both where they lived. Adam lived close by and Anna not too far away. So far she
was my best bet for the night, even thought I highly prefer extroverted and sexually direct
women. But she was very hot one hell of a body so, I decided to go for it. But I couldnt be
direct with my proposal to go to her place, as she never gave me any heavy signs of
interest.
Therefore, I had to deliver my offer in a very indirect way, which is by far less powerful, as the
sexual frame of the interaction was still rather lacking. But I could always do my best out of
what there was later. Im better of having a somewhat interested girl with good logistics than a
very interested girl with bad ones (logistics is so important that even with a very interested girl,
bad logistics increase the chance that something goes wrong or she cools off or second-guesses
herself before you make it somewhere alone that these can really wreck things for you a lot more
often than you might think or like).
Alek: I am not tired at all. I want to have more fun tonight after closing time. Adam would you
like to have more fun tonight?
Adam: No, I am a little ill and tired
Alek: Anna, are you ill and tired? Do you want to have some more fun tonight? We could host
an after party!
Anna: I am not tired! [this is awesome!]
Alek: Yeah, fuck it, really lets not leave the night like this. Why dont we have an after-party at
your place we can share the cab fee.
Anna: Thats cool to me. But I have a friend over cant we head to yours?
Alek: I cant, I live with 3 other people. Dont worry, we will be calm if you have a balcony
we can sit there and drink.
Anna: Okay, well, lets do that.
Alek: Adam, are you sure you dont to come with us?
Adam: No man, but thanks for your offer!
What I am doing here is acting like I want this gay guy to come with just in order to not make it
too direct that I am willing to be alone under a roof with Anna. Again, I go rather indirect
because she hasnt given me any strong signs of interest.
Anna and I took a cab back to her place I had to create an its on moment and break the
social barrier in order to create a vibe that there is something going on between us.
So in the cab, I grabbed her hand and caressed it. This made room for me to escalate more
intensely later on, as itll be less awkward once wed already had some physical contact, making
what was to come later much more natural for her.
Escalating to Sex
At her place, we took a few beers and sat outside smoking. I tried to talk about sex in order to try
to set a sexual frame but it really didnt work out that well. Well, when something doesnt work
out for you, you have to change strategy in this case I decided that going nonverbal might be a
better option
Outside, we sat on a couch and I took her leg over mine. This is a good way to start the
escalation. I started caressing her legs while telling her how soft they were. This stirred a rather
positive reaction from her.
It was getting really late (5 oclock in the morning) and I had to seal the deal now or it
would be too late. If it gets too late you risk having the women fall asleep or being too tired to
do that [sex].
Being dominant is attractive, so when she came back from the bathroom after going, I ordered
her to sit on my lap, and so she did, which was a good thing. This way I could hold around her
and touch her body. She wasnt that receptive to my touching, but she accepted my moves,
which by now was good enough. After being outside for a bit we went inside.
We sat on the living room couch and put some music on (really sexy track is Bisons Way to
LA). I was now about to escalate to sex. I put her legs over mine in order to create a certain
connection. I then started touching her body
1. Her upper arms and shoulder first
2. Her belly next
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
In order to make the escalation mutual, at that the same time I was touching her, I made her
touch:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I repeated this pattern a few times, with some elements of teasing in between. Basically
teasing when it comes to escalating (to not mix with making fun of women, which is just
lame in my opinion) is all about doing one step backward for every two steps forward you
make. For example, I might touch her upper arms and shoulders first, then her belly, then her
shoulders again, then again her belly before going for her hips, back to her belly, then further
down to her hips again etc
While escalating I also:
I then went in for the kiss, where I grabbed her neck and slowly pulled her closer to my lips. My
lips were five centimetres from hers. I kept the distance for a few minutes in order to tease her a
bit and create some tension. I then as always finished off by kissing her passionately. By now,
many barriers between us had been broken, allowing me to:
I then stood up, grabbed her and dragged her to her bedroom (I did some scouting when I arrived
at her place).
In her room, I undressed her bit by bit while I continued escalating and kissing. I undressed
myself first, with the excuse that going to bed with clothes on is not hygienic (which is true, I
believe who wants dirty clothes youve been wearing outside in bed?). I left my shirt on,
however, in order to not look like an undressed idiot while she was somewhat fully dressed.
Things looked really good, but I would soon face some serious last minute resistance (LMR).
Persisting, I tried 3 times to get down there without luck. A good rule of thumb is to not
persist more than 3 times. You dont want to come across as pushy and you dont want to risk
getting into legal trouble, as you can never really know where her limits are.
Resulting from this, she didnt get the right perception of me, which pretty much mixed up the
expectations she had of me. I also had a hard time making her horny, as she never really showed
any strong signs of attraction toward me. When I finally started escalating I had to break huge
walls as the frame that was set was not as sexual as I hoped for.
The girl was also shy and introverted. She actually admitted being shy a little later on. I rarely go
for shy girls, as I am myself very extroverted. I also enjoy being sexually open, and discuss sex
freely. This girl didnt really allow me to do so.
I am sure that if Isabella (the Brazilian girl) lived nearby and I went back to her place, sex would
have happened without any reservations. Different girl and a different scenario both are strong
elements when it comes to determining the outcome.
To recap the major points from the report:
1. You never know what the night can lead to. You should therefore just jump into it and
grab the opportunities life offers you
2. Screen out women who dont qualify to meet your needs
3. Logistics comes first bad logistics equals most of the time no sex (you need to be able
to sacrifice a hot, very receptive girl to another hot one who might be less receptive, but
who has good logistics)
4. Escalating with teasing is hot
5. Mutual escalation is powerful
6. Setting a sexual frame is important because it removes the chances for getting last minute
resistance
7. When you face last minute resistance, dont give up and persist with the techniques I
have given you
8. Sex her well
This was it for today. I hope you enjoyed this report as much as the previous one. I plan doing
this monthly if the reactions are good. So if you want me to continue posting these reports,
please let me know in the comment section.
Of course, other comments and questions are welcome, as always.
Take it easy!
Alek
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Yesterday's article about when you should have sex mentioned part of a female reader's
comment on the article "I Dont Chase 'Em, I Replace 'Em." The comment, though, was
actually a fair bit longer than that, and touched on another subject too:
While I agree that the 'replace' mentality is efficient for picking up large quantities of
women in a short time, I think it limits the quality of the women. I can categorically
say, that there is a strong correlation between a woman's desirability status and the
extent to which she will require a man to chase or demonstrate interest/value.
Our commenter here has a very valid point - however, the nuance to that point is what interests
us most.
Because, as you will see, how resistant to sex a woman is depends upon:
... and that even among resistances, there are very different kinds of resistance to sex, and these
are based far more on the woman's level of sexual experience with men, and her level of
experience with a man who makes her feel the way this particular man does.
(if you're looking for an article on how to overcome this resistance, we've already got a great
post up on it here - "How to Get a Girl in Bed: 10 Crucial Tips for Making Her Yours" - this
piece is really about identifying the different kinds of resistance, understanding what each sort
says about the girl you're getting it from, and understanding what you need to do and who you
need to be not to get it)
Let's dive in.
In the "How to Get a Girl in Bed" article, we explored in a good amount of detail the emotional
reservations women often have prior to sleeping with a man for the first time. It's often a big
decision, and there's a lot that's unknown and uncertain going in.
However, the very best answer to the question of, "Why did she resist sex with me?" is this:
somewhere along the line, you made a mistake.
Because at least one of the following is true whenever a woman resists intimacy:
Erase all of those - be a compellingly sexy man who puts her totally at ease and removes any
concern of her friends ever finding out, while not being in the running for being a boyfriend at
all, managing emotions and transitions perfectly, and escalating perfectly - and she doesn't have
anything weird going on in her life - and resistance never appears.
For the sake of this article though, we'll assume you're still working on tweaking your process
with women and your sexy vibe down, and you run into resistance every now and again with
women you're at the point of physical escalation to sex with.
What does that resistance mean?
Well, there are three "meta-categories" of resistance, primarily:
1. Flat-out refusal. That's from a girl who's 100% certain she does not want to sleep with
you and is not interested. You'll rarely run into this one, simply because women who are
100% not interested in sleeping with you typically don't go home alone with men, or
invite those men to come back to their homes alone, either. However, if you make a BIG
mistake somewhere between transitioning and getting somewhere alone with her though,
a woman may change her mind from uncertain about sex to certain she doesn't want it
with you, and you'll see this then. Thus, when you see outright refusal, it's usually a sign
that somewhere very recently you made a BIG mistake. You will usually not be able to
turn this around - so thank her for a wonderful evening, head home, reflect on what you
did wrong, and do it better with the next girl.
2. Partial resistance. This is where she'll permit you to escalate to a certain point running your hands up and down her body, say, or taking her shirt off - but not let you
get past that point - e.g., her bra comes off easy but she shuts you down every time you
go for her pants. This kind of resistance is the resistance you get from a girl who's on the
fence about you - she thinks she might want to, but isn't completely sure. This is the kind
we'll be talking about in this post.
3. Token resistance. This is resistance that isn't genuine at all, but is more "for the sake
of appearances." This resistance is very easily overcome, and usually only works out to a
few sentences uttered like, "We shouldn't be doing this," or, "Can't we just go to sleep?"
and perhaps a few half-hearted removals of your hands while escalating, but after a few
minutes the resistance is history and escalation proceeds without a hitch. Token
resistance taken at face value can lead to some pretty disappointed and angry women
(i.e., a girl gives some token resistance simply to not appear too easy, assuming the man
will persist, but he immediately gives up, assuming she's refusing him, and she ends up
not getting laid despite that being what she wanted with him and thought he would give
her).
Again, if you're getting flat-out refusal, you've messed up horribly along the lines and it isn't
happening... just walk away and don't waste your time.
And if you're getting token resistance or no resistance at all, congratulations - you're running one
tight ship, seduction-wise (or you're so out of her league that she's too afraid of refusing you and
losing her only shot at going to bed with you, or she's a very sexually liberated woman who's
simply very comfortable with sex).
What we'll be talking about in this article is the partial resistance to sex you see - the
resistance where a girl is willing to let things proceed to some level, because she does like you,
but she struggles with you to prevent it going further than that... until later.
... that greatly effect their behavior with women (the guy for whom women are completely
scarce moves very slowly with women, tolerates any kind of behavior from women because he is
too afraid of losing women if he doesn't tolerate it, white knights hard, and gets upset at men
treating women any way other than how he thinks men should treat women, because women are
such precious resources that must be taken care of; while the guy for whom women are abundant
resources moves very quickly with women, immediately moves on from women who don't
behave in ways conducive to them becoming lovers and having a nice, rewarding, peaceful
relationship, finds the idea of white knighting amusing and mystifying, and is bemused by men
upset at how he treats women, since women clearly enjoy him and value him so much that they
chase after him and become frustrated when they can't get him)...
... so too can women have different levels of abundance mentality, depending on the primary
environment (the culture and city she lives in) and the secondary environment (the subculture
and venue / situation / scenario she's in).
I've lived in cities where there are lots of attractive men with reasonably good game and
noticeably more single men than single women. It's very hard to game in these cities! They're
fantastic training grounds, but you don't start seeing reliable, consistent success with girls there
until you transform yourself into the absolute crme de la crme - the most smolderingly sexy,
engrossingly captivating, undeniably charming man those women have even met. Even then,
they still slow things down, put the brakes on, and make it harder for you, simply because they
can - they have tons of choice and plenty of options.
Conversely, I've lived in cities where most of the male population was not sexy, not captivating,
and not charming at all, most of the men didn't even approach women, and the single young
women outnumbered the single young men by a good amount. In those cities, even the guys with
clumsy game clean up.
The New York Times has a fantastic piece that looks at what it's like in some of these topsy-turvy
upside-down worlds where single women vastly outnumber single men - interesting read if you
have a moment:
The New Math on Campus: On College Campuses, a Shortage of Men
Here's an excerpt:
If a guy is not getting what he wants, he can quickly and abruptly go to the next one,
because there are so many of us, said Katie Deray, a senior at the University of
Georgia, who said that it is common to see six provocatively clad women hovering
around one or two guys at a party or a bar.
Since that is not her style, Ms. Deray said, she has still not had a long-term
relationship in college. As a fashion merchandising major, she said, she can only hope
the odds improve when she graduates and moves to New York.
At colleges in big cities, women do have more options. By my sophomore year, I just
had the feeling that there is nobody in this school that I could date, said Ashley
Crisostomo, a senior at Fordham University in New York, which is 55 percent female.
She has tended to date older professionals in the city.
This is a primary environment problem: the fewer the men are, the more in control they are.
Likewise, when it's women who are fewer, the women have more power. (for the record, if
you're considering what school you'd like to go to and have things the easiest, Texas Woman's
University in Denton, Texas is 90.3% female, and the Fashion Institute of Technology in New
York City has an 82.5% female enrollment ratio - you can see more here: Highest Female-toMale Ratio: Large Colleges and Universities; New York City itself has about 200,000+ more
single women than single men)
But secondary environments have their own effects on things. For instance, I used to live in
Arlington, Virginia, just outside of Washington, D.C., which, at the time I lived there in 2006,
was approximately 60% female (it's slightly more male than female these days). Yet, if you went
to the biggest nightclub in Arlington then - a place called the Clarendon Ballroom - you'd
typically find the patronage there about 75% male, and the women present would act far more
aloof than they would if you met them during the day or at a different bar (although, still not
impossible to pick up!). If you went to one of the salsa-dancing lessons at the salsa bar (forget
the name) on the other hand, where it was perhaps 75% female sometimes, you'd find the
women were very friendly.
All this factors into a woman's resistance to sex - whether it's last minute resistance before the
sex act in your apartment, or resistance to coming back to your home because she knows what
that means... and she'd rather make things take longer. And as we discussed in yesterday's
article, it's usually better for women to delay sex (and for men to make it happen as quickly as
possible).
When environmental factors (abundant men) are in women's favor, women have higher
resistance to sex; when they are not in women's favor (scarce men), women have lower
resistance to sex.
You'll usually find the best places to meet women are places that have more women than men,
where the men are not very aggressive in pursuing women.
If you are unskilled with women, women who resist sex with you do so because you're
not particularly sexually exciting or skilled at getting past that resistance - however, they
may not be so resistant with more enticing, able men
If you are skilled with women, women who go to bed with you quickly often do so
because you present such a rare opportunity for them (mate-choice-wise) and because
you are so good at disarming their resistance - you frequently end up taking to bed
women quickly who've never gone to bed quickly with another man, and may never do
so again
Thus, while it's fairly common for men everywhere from beginner to advanced to assume that
speed-to-bed is some kind of reliable metric of "quality," it's not.
It's simply a metric of how more or less experienced with sex and sexy suitors than you she is.
Further, you can identify her level of sexual experience roughly by gauging the kind of resistance
to sex she presents for you. If you recall our diagram from "How Many Partners Has Your
Girlfriend Had? Find Out Here," there are four categories of sex experience we broke women
down into (and yes, it goes both ways - the same categories apply to men, too) - here's the
diagram again:
(and before anyone gets upset and climbs up on a soapbox to announce that sexual histories
don't matter, this study found that a woman's infidelity risk increases by 7% with every sexual
partner she has. I'm sure there's a similar correlation between partner counts and infidelity risks
for men too, but I haven't seen the research)
Each of these types of women responds differently to sexual advances she wants to resist.
Those resistances look like this:
1. Nervousness / uncertainty / trembling: this is a girl who's sexually inexperienced.
She's only gone to bed with 1 or 2 partners before - or perhaps even none - and even if
she really likes you, sex itself scares her.
2. Discomfort / stiffness / weirdness: you'll see this with women who know sex and
know what it means, but they're starting to be more familiar with men and know that sex
is a loaded gun - they aren't as terrified by sex as the less experienced girls, but they have
a reasonable understanding that when and how sex happens can mean very different
things for their potential relationship.
3. Annoyance / irritation / frustration: this one's a funny one, and it's a sign of an
angry / cynical girl. She's familiar with sex, she knows the deal, she's sexually
experienced, but now she has a specific place she wants you in her life - as a guy who
wines her and dines her for four dates before he makes a move, say, or as a strictly
platonic friend - and she's annoyed that you aren't following the "program."
4. Calmness / control / smoothness: you'll only see this with very sexually
experienced women - women who are somewhere around 20 lovers plus. They've made
their peace with the fact that men are the aggressors and will push for sex - someone's
got to do it - and that not all men want the same things with them that they want with
those men (she may want him as a friend, he may want her as a lover). Because they're
comfortable with sex, and they know the drill, they're able to shut most men's advances
down calmly, coolly, and adroitly, in such a natural way that the man doesn't even realize
he's being shut down, and maybe even feels good about it.
However, there's a catch: as you go up in experience and certainty, the level of experience
and certainty required for women to give you these kinds of resistances goes up too.
That is to say, if you're very experienced with women, and very certain in your abundance
mentality, a girl who may resist most men's advances with frustration and annoyance because
they don't "get it" and because those men are easily replaced (e.g., she's the dominant one,
deciding what roles each of them takes, and is irked they aren't responding as they should) may
revert to stiffness and weirdness with you because she doesn't know how to respond and doesn't
feel in control - she realizes she may actually lose you if she doesn't go to bed with you, and she
isn't sure if she can accept losing you (whereas with other, less experienced men, who don't
come across as quite so amazing, she gets none of these feelings).
So, these reactions are not a completely foolproof metric of partner count, although they are
pretty good; but, they are a near-flawless metric of how experienced a woman is compared
to you and how certain she is that she can replace you.
You'll get:
Nervousness if she's far less experienced / less certain than you are
Discomfort if she's somewhat less experienced / less certain than you are
Annoyance if she's somewhat more experienced / more certain than you are
Calmness if she's far more experienced / more certain than you are
So how do we use this, and what does it tell us about a woman who's giving us one of these
different kinds of resistances?
You can tell a lot about a woman by the kind of resistance she gives you.
Namely, you can get:
We'll go into a bit more detail on each of the different flavors of resistance, and what each one
means.
Women react this way only when they're very sexually inexperienced - they have low (or zero)
partner counts. When a girl gives very nervous resistance to sex, it's almost always a
universal sign that she's highly inexperienced.
Just about the only time you'll see it with girls who aren't in the 0 to 2 partner count range is
when she views you as massively out of her league and would like you as a boyfriend and
normally makes boyfriends wait but knows that if she turns you down for sex she probably
doesn't get that - in other words, you've reached a point where her standard practice is to shut the
guy down, but she realizes she probably loses you forever if she does that with you. However,
that one's rare - you'll only see it if you're dating down in a big way, OR you're rich / famous / a
rock star, OR you're reasonably advanced in your fundamentals and pretty smooth with women
and you're in a foreign country and dealing with women who normally never meet or date
attractive foreigners (e.g., you're a really sexy, smooth Greek man meeting ordinary English
girls in England who aren't used to meeting men of your caliber, let alone foreign men of your
caliber; or, you're a really sexy, smooth English man meeting ordinary Greek girls in Greece
who aren't used to meeting men of your caliber, let alone foreign men of your caliber). There,
you may see moderately experienced women behaving like inexperienced women.
Usually though, you'll only meet very inexperienced women behaving this way. If sex is
scary for her, sex is new for her.
With this type of resistance, your best bet is gradual but consistent escalation, and dealing with
the girl very gently and nice. Plenty of pauses in the escalation; plenty of stopping and staring
into her eyes. Make sure that you're not directly on top of her at any point until she's completely
committed to the escalation; you want to make sure she feels like she has plenty of space if she
needs to make a quick getaway. Remember, sex is new and scary; if you make her feel trapped,
she'll freak out and leave. She needs to be able to relax a bit as you escalate with her.
Word of advice: be very responsible with women this nervous about sex. When girls are this
nervous, they're communicating to you that they're placing an immense amount of importance
on intimacy with you - which means if you're only doing a one-night stand, that should be very
clearly (but gently) communicated, and you may want to consider not doing it at all. Girls this
inexperienced have a lot of preconceptions about sexy, charming, mysterious men, and if all
you want is a quick roll in the hay you may end up doing quite a bit of damage to them. Have a
think about whether you want to affect someone else that way, and if you want that on your
conscience before you do.
She looks at you like you're a creepy guy for escalating with her
She crosses her arms and gets stiff body language, but it's more "awkward stiff" than
"nervous stiff" (like what inexperienced girls give you... "nervous stiff" is actually kind
of cute, but "awkward stiff" isn't really)
She shows hesitation about what to do - she thinks the two of you should probably do
one thing, but she isn't 100% on that
She blurts out her real and honest reasons for wanting to delay things: "But if we do it
too soon, you won't want to see me anymore..." "But if we do it too soon, you'll think I'm
too easy..."
The uncomfortable girl is communicating through her actions to you that she isn't ready to rule
out sex completely, but she thinks it's probably better if it doesn't happen now.
To any talented seducer - who trains himself to do things with certainty - this isn't terribly
difficult to overcome; when someone else thinks the two of you probably shouldn't do
something, but you think the two of you absolutely SHOULD do the opposite thing, you're
going to win out. The higher level of certainty nearly always prevails - that's the power of
frame control.
When you see girls getting uncomfortable in the face of sex, it usually means they're moderately
experienced - 3 to 7 sex partners, about - though that can be higher if you're a very attractive /
out-of-their-league guy. Normally though, this behavior denotes a woman who has learned
from experience that sex happening too quickly usually doesn't get her what she wants, but
she's not certain that's the case and that she ought to say "no."
The cute thing about girls who are uncomfortable is that they'll very often honestly and logically
state out their reasons for resisting sex: "But you won't like me if we have sex too soon!" - which
makes it easy for you to work through those issues with her. Like so - with you speaking in a
tone that's part sexy voice, part fatherly figure:
Girl: But if we have sex too fast, you'll think I'm easy!
You: Are you kidding? The last two girlfriends I had we slept together on the first date. If we
sleep together fast, the only thing I'm going to think is that you are an incredibly intelligent
woman who found me so sexy she obviously could not resist.
Girl: But it's too soon...!
You: Too soon for what? Ordinary guys who think that women who play hard to get are higher
quality? I'll tell you a secret... the girls who are the very best at playing hard to get are actually
the girls who've already been gotten by enough men that they've learned how to play hard to get.
In this way, you can actually paint being "hard to get" as a signature of very sexually
experienced women - which, as a matter of fact, is often true!
Interestingly enough though, most men AND women don't realize this.
It's one of the hidden secrets of the world of seduction. The more adept she is at resisting, quite
often, the more experienced with men she is.
The annoyed girl doesn't get why you don't get it. You're supposed to wait until the third date
before you do this... or, you're supposed to wait your turn in the kindly-and-supportive platonic
male friend zone role until / unless she needs you to be more than that. Weren't you paying
attention when they assigned you your role?
Girls who give you annoyed / irritated resistance to sex are usually in the roughly 7 to 19
partners range, and they view sex (and men) somewhat cynically. They're upset to learn that men
and women don't want exactly the same things, and they're annoyed that men don't want what
they want them to want. Occasionally - very rarely, but occasionally - you'll encounter
extremely inexperienced girls (usually virgins) who act this way because they're know-italls who THINK they know everything about sex without having any actual experience.
This is pretty rare, but you'll run into it every now and then in very religious areas that are very
anti-sex-before-marriage. These girls can give you, "Gosh, doesn't he KNOW it doesn't go this
way? Sex isn't until after marriage - hello!" reactions even though they're in totally unfamiliar
situations for them simply because they've spent so much time absorbing others' viewpoints
about it that it feels old hat, even though it's not. Once this girl is physically intimate with a man
though, her attitude often swings in the opposite extreme (i.e., resistance disappears more or less
completely and she gets a little sex-crazed - I've met girls like this who switched from staunchly,
vehemently anti-sex to having partner counts of 25+ within a year or two of having sex for the
first time).
An annoyed girl's resistance is an irritated response to her lack of control... she wanted and
expected things to go a certain way, but along comes this guy who won't get with the program or maybe even never got a copy of the program in the first place. But she knows the deal - why
doesn't he?
(The deal of course being that she only hooks up fast with a certain sort of man under certain
conditions, and because this man is not that man and these conditions are not those conditions,
he needs to take things slow and become her boyfriend and/or not make a move and just be
friends until she wants him to be something more)
This kind of resistance is a sign that a girl considers herself "above" you in some way (possibly,
you made some mistakes throughout the interaction that caused herself to compare herself
against you and decide that she's more experienced with dating / sex; but sometimes she's simply
narcissistic and views herself as being above everybody); either way, I suggest taking this as a
red flag, laughing it off, and leaving, never to return, call, or text. A girl in one of the other three
categories is a much better bet for your mental and emotional well-being than the girl who gets
teed you won't toe her party line.
The calm girl isn't out to make you feel bad or look bad. In fact, she may even want to sleep with
you - but on her terms, not yours. She's used to getting what she wants with men - in fact, she
nearly always gets it.
She knows you like her, and she knows you want her, and the way she sees it, she's got you
wrapped around her little finger. Which is no insult to you - that's the way all men are with her.
The calm girl is typically a sexually experienced woman who's been with somewhere north of 20
sexual partners. Sometimes it's more - sometimes a woman doesn't get completely at ease until
closer to 25 or 30 partners. But somewhere in the low double-digits, she's seen everything that
most men will ever throw at her, and makes her peace with it. This is men; men are horny, men
want sex, and men try to get sex the way they try to get sex. She learns the countermeasures to
stay in control and on-top of things; and she learns how to dodge their advances without causing
a stir.
The best way to respond to the girl who calmly and adroitly deflects your advances is to be calm
in turn. Be nonplussed that she's spurned your escalations; she'll be at least a little intrigue that
you haven't freaked out, like many of the men she meets, or stepped up your efforts to try even
harder, like most of the rest of the men she meets.
You usually won't sleep with a girl who's able to calmly and expertly shut you down on the first
date, unless it's what she wants - if she's that able to close down your advances, she's running
game on an entirely different - and higher - level than you are yet. But, you can learn from
her, and if you're equally calm-but-persistent, and you continue to exude your sexy vibe, and
you keep setting things up so that the two of you can get together, she may just let it happen at
some point in the not-so-distant future.
When, that is, she decides it should happen.
Jason
Great to hear youre making some strides.
Its been my experience that its better to ask a girl for her schedule over text after you get her
phone number. Tell her youd like to grab food or drinks with her while in person and get the
number, but dont go into details and coordinating. Mainly thats for two reasons:
Not pressuring her to know her schedule on the spot, when she may not know it yet
Not creating an emotional disconnect often the mood shes in when she gives you her
number and the mood shes in while thinking about or talking to you later are very
different you want to set up the date with the version of herself whos handling her
planning and coordinating later, rather than her bar / club / street / caf self.
When you ask girls to pick a time then and there, if they feel pressured the gut reaction is usually
just to push the decision off and tell you theyre busy. But once theyve already turned you down
once, that becomes the thing they remember every time you talk to them about going out again.
They think, Jason? oh, right, that guy who asked me out but I told was I was busy. Then
its either, Okay, maybe Ill give him a shot, or, Nah, I already decided on that one. Much
better to get a yes in person, let that sink in, and then handle all the details later when shes
clear-thinking and not feeling remotely pressured by your presence.
This article goes pretty into detail about setting up dates with girls specifically that way over
text:
How to Text Girls: 20 More Tips and Techniques
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Saturday, 2 March 2013
Zac
Yes, for sure, some people cant accept change. Generally thats only the people who dont
change themselves, though you will almost always outgrow these people completely if youre
someone who continually evolves, even if you dont want to give them up as a friend for
whatever reason.
As far as shutting you down vs. a girl annoyed she cant get what she wants, a shut down
happens when a girl feels like shes in control and can call the shots and either isnt interested
and wants you to stop pursuing, or is in auto-rejection and is tired of wasting her time and
emotions on you (because she thinks you wont come through for her) effectively, shes a girl
who decides you do not have anything she wants. Shell usually be very firm, or sometimes even
mean or cold.
A girl whos annoyed about not getting what she wants from you hasnt written you off entirely;
theres still SOMETHING she wants from you, be that friendship or be it a relationship or be it
anything else. However, she feels like she has you and shell push you off in an irritated way
it isnt a full-stop shut down, its more like a, Gah, doesnt he GET it? Hes supposed to do
[some other thing]!
Youre right, a woman whos experienced wont turn you down because she wont get into
situations where she needs to turn men down she senses those situations a mile away and
deftly avoids them. She only proceeds with a man when she wants things to proceed with a man.
And on persistence yeah. Calm, deliberate, knowing persistence shows an experienced woman
that you are an experienced man more than anything else experienced women tend to be a lot
more attuned to this than inexperienced women are and a lot better able to appreciate it. You
might say that an experienced woman is a connoisseur of men, in a way.
Posted by Chase Amante on Saturday, 2 March 2013
Lance
Neat to hear the transition youve made. It helps tons having a solid role model to follow in real
life they were crucially important to my development too. Sounds like you had a good one
early on.
Clingy girls will give you drama to no end for the first 3 to 6 months if you resist spending too
much time with them. Theyre drawing on pools of deep emotion, and want what they want
and what they want is usually you lots and lots of you. They get necessarily upset if they cant
have it; it actually becomes a need
On your friend the younger and more inexperienced and more idealistic the girl is, the less real
game you need. If youre the first guy shes ever been with, you can often get away with doing
a whole lot of things that would be big mistakes with more experienced women, who become
more emotionally guarded and skeptical and who have higher standards of masculinity for their
mates. If shes still in the 0 to 2 lovers sweet phase though, romantic talk is often music to her
ears (although, there are girls who even when inexperienced think romance is bosh; thats
mostly just the very rationally- / logically-driven girls though). Ive had girlfriends for whom I
was the first man theyd ever loved, and had them beg me to talk romantically to them and do
romantic things, which to me just sounds like kids stuff. But, when a girls inexperienced, this
is the stuff shes been reading and seeing in books and movies and on TV and it all feels like a
dream come true.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 3 March 2013
Lance
If you start lowering security levels in an already-established relationship, yes, thatll make
women start getting weird and erratic (because they feel like the earth is shifting and crumbling
beneath them). The best thing you can do about clinginess is be very nonchalant about it when
you get it, stay calm, and shrug it off. She starts acting lovey-dovey and you say, Youll chill
out in a couple of months; this is all still new for you. But its very cool that you care about me
so much, babe.
Time winds passions down, so even if you do nothing, eventually her passion will begin to fade.
Passion is a response to novelty and uncertainty, and the longer she knows you, the less novel
youll be, and the longer you remain together, the more certain she becomes that you arent
going to leave (unless you create an inherently unstable relationship where shes never sure if
youll leave or not those are the only relationships in which passion remains to a degree this
is also why the stuff youll see on this site all says if you want to hold onto a girl long-term and
always keep her interest, you can never let her feel like she 100% has you there must always
be some risk of loss around the bend to keep her guessing, and excited).
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Saturday, 2 March 2013
Anon
Yes, sounds like you have her number. Whenever you hear, Im tired of just hooking up; what I
want now is a REAL relationship, what that translates into is actually, I DO hook up with
guys, but Im not interested in hooking up with YOU; however, if youd like to court me for a
relationship, I might be open to that.
The communication is basically that she doesnt find you particularly sexually exciting which
happens when youre new (it took me probably 8 or 9 months of really focusing on developing a
strong sexual vibe as my #1 game priority before women started telling me I was sexy and
responding to me consistently in very warm, sexual ways, and at the time I was shocked it
suddenly happened and had no idea what cause the switch, other than that Id been chipping
away at it for the better part of a year). But, she isnt writing you off entirely.
So youre not going to be able to get her by being sexy and making fast sex happen. Youre
more or less stuck in the traditional dating game with this girl, unless you want to start taking
chances. You can meet new girls and set different expectations, but if you want THIS girl,
youve mostly got to hope to win the boyfriend competition by being the best boyfriend
candidate you can be. Thats wining and dining her, getting her some little gifts, taking her on
interesting / fun / exciting, and ultimately romantic, dates, and ending somewhere private and
romantic e.g., the two of you alone under the stars after a romantic hike, etc.
The outside option is finding a way to go around with her a bit and get very physical LOTS of
touch (your leg against hers while sitting, your arm around her, loads of physical contact) and
just lots of proximity, and maintain the Im not really boyfriend material, but its fun hanging
out with you angle youre going for. This works sometimes when youre a beginner and dont
have a sexy vibe down yet, but it doesnt always.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 12 March 2013
WesShe's using a barrier - something we discussed in "Being a Challenge to Women" - it's a way for
her to tell you she likes you without putting herself totally out there. e.g., "I'm really attracted to
you but XYZ thing means we can't get together." It is, essentially, an invitation to chase her.
In this kind of situation, if you're not certain you know how to get the girl, it's usually best to
walk away - you'll just squander a lot of time and energy, and it often goes nowhere. Girls using
barriers have high confidence and very tight game; until you reach that level yourself you'll lose
a lot of time giving her attention while getting very little in return. She may be interested... but
she also may not be, and she's more interested in you chasing her than anything else.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 12 March 2013
David-
When you're going up against a girl who's a lot more experienced than you are, you generally
won't be able to take back control, though you can try. You can try only being available for
something where she comes to your place, for instance - e.g., you're tired / super busy, but if
she'd like to come over you'll cook a great dinner with her, and you politely decline anything
else. But by this point she's kind of got your number, and is likely to call your bluff and turn
these invitations down. She knows she can do things on her terms with you, and won't go for
you trying to change the dynamic this late into knowing one another. The only thing you can
probably do is go the traditional dating route with her at this point and just try to be her most
attractive option... and, keep meeting new girls in the meantime ;)
On partner counts, the old rule of "take what she says and multiply it by 3" really does usually
apply. When I was younger I used to think that was rubbish and that I was better at telling which
girls were being really honest with me and which ones weren't. As I got older, I'd have some
girls blurt out months later into relationships that actually, they'd lied, and it hadn't just been 2
guys, there'd been this other guy, too. Then a month later it's, "Well, actually, there was another
guy I didn't tell you about as well." And the more experienced a girl is, the less telling you a
little white lie about how many men she's been with weighs on her consciousness and the
happier she is to let you think she's chaste and virginal if that's what you want to think (that's
why I made a "how to tell" article... you'll get a much more accurate read going off her actions
and behavior than you will what she actually tells you, which even with the most trusting
women you can almost always expect is a lie... but don't take it personal, she lies about it to
everyone).
On writing - well, experience! I've been writing a long time. But I wasn't always terribly
talented. Check out the post on mastery here if you haven't yet: How to Master Anything; and,
get a copy of Stephen King's On Writing... it's one of the best reads you'll find on the topic,
period.
Chase
by Alek Rolstad
Saturday, 30 November 2013
Today I want to discuss to the topic of discretion in seduction. In my opinion, this is one of
the most powerful tools a seducer can use to get women.
Being low-key will not only get you laid, it will also allow you to have crazy and discreet sex
with women. Is sex really all that we want? I am sure many of you fantasize about dirty sex, or
watch dirty porn. Admit it or not, I do not care; all I know is that there is majority here who
truly want to do some dirty stuff.
In this article we will cover what being discreet and low-key is all about, and why it works so
well in seduction.
In the second section, Ill give you multiple tools that you can use in different settings to
communicate secrecy - and get discreet sex.
Lets go.
The definition Im using here for low-key is one in which anything of a sexual nature taking
place between you and your girl stays between you two - anything of a sexual nature between
you and your woman must remain discreet.
This means that:
As a result she has fewer reasons to control herself by holding her desires back - which means
she feels more allowed to have her discreet sex with that guy.
However, take these same two people and place them into a public space, where this womans
friends might be around, and the outcome becomes drastically different - as her actions now
expose her to social repercussions. In this case, where discretion is now out the window, she
might desire to have sex with this particular man, but as her anti-slut defence is now up, she
doesnt feel allowed to do so.
The takeaway from all this is that, in order to have sex with a woman, a very good rule of thumb
to have is this: make her desire having sex with you while also making her feel allowed to do
so... by removing pressure and removing social consequences.
What do we see in the thought experiment above?
1. First of all, women experience a biological desire to have intercourse with a sexually
forward and capable (i.e., not awkward or creepy) man
2. But, desire only is not always enough to make a woman have sex with a man
3. She also needs also to feel allowed to do so, in order to express her desire for sex. We
know that women have a defence mechanism against being labelled a slut namely,
anti-slut defence. This defence mechanism makes sure that a woman doesnt allow
herself to accept sexual invitation from too many men in other words, it will protect her
from being perceived as loose girl and an easy target. If women are perceived such a way
they often take on certain unwanted consequences i.e., they are recipients of slut
shaming. Therefore, women also need to feel allowed to have sex with men.
4. Allowed in our case means that a woman is allowing herself to have sex with a
particular man. This means that she feels that she will not face any social
consequences (i.e., being judged and labelled a slut) as a result of sleeping with him.
5. The best way for women to feel allowed is by being discreetly low-key, because when
you successfully are, women have nothing (or at least less) to fear from sleeping with
you. Chances are much smaller with a discreet man that anyone will be aware of what
has taken place between him and her, reducing the chances that the girl will face any
social consequences and, thus, her reasons and inclinations to resist.
6. To sum up: anti-slut defence holds women back from having sex even if they desire
to have sex with a particular man. However, if nobody will ever find out what has
taken place between her and a guy, a woman has nothing to fear anymore and can most
safely allow herself to jump into it if she so desires to.
Women feel much more safer being sexually open with you when you successfully
communicate discretion because they know the word wont spread. It is significantly less risky
to do all the serious kinky stuff shes curious to do with a man who keeps his mouth shut than it
is with a man who talks to all his friends about it.
When you are alone with a girl and nobody knows what is taking place, she will let her true
inner beast come out.
One important reason behind this is that secrecy creates comfort and trust in a way that doesnt
kill the sexual vibe and tension in fact, the opposite takes place, and it actually enhances it.
Ethical Argument
Until now we have only covered why you should be low-key on a purely practical level.
However, there is also a certain element of morality that we should be concerned about.
First of all, you are fully aware of the fact that a woman gets judged and labelled as a slut if
people finds out she has been engaging in promiscuous activities. Therefore, I believe it is
ethically speaking the right thing to do to keep your mouth shut, as you know that if you dont,
you will cause harm to her... and causing harm without any very good reason to someone is just
simply bad.
We have now laid out many reasons for why you should be low-key. The first step to being
perceived as low-key is obviously to become a low-key person in the first place. You wont tell
your friends whom youve slept with.
Its okay to tell your friend that you got laid and share with him some details about the sex. We
are not hiding the fact that we had sex; what we want to hide is the identity of the person we had
sex with.
Of course, you can flirt with her and touch her in front of her friends, but dont proceed too
intensely in front of them. You might kick off her ASD and break your pattern of secrecy.
What I also suggest is that you sub-communicate sexually with her. This means seducing her
under the radar while her friends are around.
Some examples of sexual sub communication:
Here, you can see I am transitioning. Now you will see me get to the point where I communicate
how much I love secrecy:
Alek: I believe that exactly this is very harmful because it makes women hide a side of them
that is truly feminine! Let me ask you something
Nina: Yes what?
Alek: Consider that you are in a room, which would remind us of a different world. In this
room, the rules are different; in fact, in this one room, everybody is sexually liberated
which means that nobody will judge you for being your true sexual self you feel that you
can just let go, lose and open yourself up releasing yourself, you inner sexuality. As you
release yourself, you feel that everybody else respects you for your honesty, for the sexual
energy you are liberating. How would you feel about it?
Nina: Good of course!
Alek: Would you feel feminine?
Nina: Yes, I would.
Alek: In this situation, would you behave in a sexually open manner?
Nina: Yes, of course! But the problem is that this world isnt a reality.
Just for instance. What I did describe to her in this little routine was the secret society. It is
very interesting how women react to this kind of stuff. They usually respond very positively to
anything that is secret society-like.
Above, we laid out three (3) ways to communicate that you are low-key person:
Create a pattern where you display secrecy: for example, you only escalate when alone
with her, while when her friends are around you dont
You tell her why you appreciate secrecy
You tell her straight up that you are low-key
Using low-key communication to make discreet sex happen is a powerful tool for broadening
your base of available women to women who might otherwise be opposed to sleeping with you,
not from lack of desire, but from lack of feeling allowed to.
In addition to freeing the women you want to sleep with to feel allowed to sleep with you, it also
frees them to behave as sexually unrestrained with you in the bedroom as theyd like to be in
their wildest dreams which is a great deal of fun and a very fulfilling experience, both for you
and for them. You can in this way be their very own real-life Christian (from 50 Shades of
Grey).
Hope you enjoyed this post.
Until next,
-Alek
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 3 February 2011
These days Sebastian Drakes VAC attraction model is all but forgotten in the seduction
community. Theres been a gold rush toward natural game and at the same time a supposed
abandonment of the previously ubiquitous routine-based game, the ever-present 800-pound
gorilla in pick up circles half a decade ago.
But in the rush toward natural game some of its pillars have been missed or marginalized by
its new champions the former routine guys whove turned over a new leaf. Nowadays, most
everyone in seduction will tell you he practices natural game, but what many propose to teach
quite often are routines that run a little more smoothly and arent called by the label routines.
Theyre dressed up a little and called natural game instead. But if you pay close attention
yep, theyre still routines.
Thats why you wont see the term natural game anywhere on this site. In my mind, its
become synonymous with slightly-evolved-but-thinly-veiled routine-based game. Nothing
personal against routines or the guys who use em; it just aint my style and Id rather not be
associated with them. The natural game pitched by most these days is a little smoother and a
little more direct than the routine-based game of yore, but its lacking in a lot of the teaching of
core concepts of what really makes guys who are naturally talented with women so successful.
One of those core concepts is the A in VAC: Attainability. Attainability is the measure of
how readily a woman feels shes able to get what she wants with you if she thinks its in the
bag with you and shes got you hook, line, and sinker, your attainability is too high; thats called
being no challenge. Being no challenge is what happens when a guy makes it too easy for a girl,
doesnt challenge her, or comes across needy or low value.
If, on the other hand, a girl feels your attainability is too low, and that she cant get you, that
ones called being unattainable. Being unattainable is what leads to women going into
something called auto-rejection; in other words, she gives up on you, goes cold, shuts down,
and her heart fills with resentment and dislike for you.
That last one is what were going to focus on in this post today or more specifically, how to
avoid it. Todays post is about staying out of auto-rejection.
Being too much of an asshole. Being a little bit of an asshole is generally okay; it can be
funny when done right. Overdo it though, and youll seem out-of-reach and like youre
trying to rub it into a girls face. Even very beautiful, confident women are prone to autorejection if you push it hard enough, though tolerance will vary tremendously by the
individual.
Being too aloof. This one plagued me forever, and its one of the most common things I
see other men doing too. The reason that I did this and the reason that other men do this
(I suspect) is twofold: 1) they dont want to seem overeager in pursuit of a woman, and
2) they want to protect themselves and their status (more on this later) in the event things
fall apart. But in trying too hard to protect themselves and seem cool, men quite
often communicate a lack of interest to women, which causes those women to wall
themselves off defensively and grow cold.
Showing too much value. Note it isnt having too much value its showing it. The
more value you show, the higher must your attainability be as well to avoid autorejection. Most guys in seduction though just focus on pumping their value up and up
and up, and then wonder why their results with women arent improving as much as
theyd expect, or maybe even go into a slide. An imbalance of value and attainability is
why.
Moving too slow. Yep, moving slow with a girl will send you into auto-rejection, more
often than youd expect. As noted in Social Circle vs. Cold Approach, the less well
you know a woman, the less time she gives you to close things out. Contrary to how
most men view attraction, it tends to drop rather precipitously after the initial meet the
vast majority of the time. When youre a social beginner, you might be able to use a little
more time to generate more interest; but once youre at even an intermediate level and
your fundamentals are getting tight, you already have most or all of the attraction youre
going to get the moment you say hello to her, and everything else youll be doing is
really just getting her comfortable with the idea of intimacy with you. Wait too long to
get intimate with her and shell give up on you or come to resent you for not giving
her what she wanted, and at that point its done.
Those are really the Big Four of auto-rejection. Plenty of other smaller ones, but most of them
fall under one of those categories or tie in in one way or another. For instance, too much teasing
or over-bantering with a girl will blow her out and send her into auto-rejection, but that falls
under being too much of an asshole. Texting and calling a girl only intermittently and being lax
about pushing to meet her will often make her feel like youre wasting her time send and her into
auto-rejection, but that falls under the umbrella of moving too slow.
Being rejected.
Being insulted.
Being ignored.
Being outclassed.
Being sidelined or put on the backburner.
All those are things people tend to avoid like the plague. This status harm avoidance is
incidentally also the driving force behind mens approach anxiety; theres a strong desire to
avoid putting oneself in the situation of being rejected and seeing ones perceived status go
down.
Each of the causes of auto-rejection mentioned earlier can be tied to at least one of the factors
that can demote people status-wise:
Being too much of an asshole to a woman makes her feel insulted and fear rejection.
Being too aloof toward a woman makes her feel ignored and makes her fear rejection.
Showing too much value to a woman makes her feel outclassed and makes her fear
rejection.
Moving too slow with a woman makes her feel sidelined, unimportant, and unwanted,
and makes her fear rejection.
So, the more women start seeing the causes mentioned earlier being expressed, the more they
start feeling and fearing the factors listed just above, and the closer and closer they come to
viewing a man as entirely unattainable and auto-rejecting him to preserve their status and protect
themselves.
Become a Genuine Man. The genuine man is the one who is neither needy nor busy
posturing or being aloof. He teases women lightly, but hes skilled enough with his voice
tone and facial expressions that he very quickly sets their minds at ease that its all in
good fun; he uses expert eye contact and warm, sexy smiles, and he recognizes that his
nonverbal communication here is absolutely key to getting the right message across.
Master the Ability to Connect with People. I recently spent a few days training a friend
of mine up in deep diving, and he proceeded to sleep with a few new girls in a hurry and
credits deep diving with having turned around his interactions with women and people in
general in a snap. He went from him being too aloof and people reacting in kind to him,
to him now being warm and open and them now being warm and open toward him.
Getting down the ability to connect with people deeply and rapidly has a way of making
attainability problems simply melt away.
Become a Humble Man. Humility is underrated these days, but if you pay close
attention youll notice just about all of the absolute coolest, most powerful, most
successful men are humble. George Clooney is humble. Warren Buffet is humble. The
most revered statesmen and leaders almost always tend to be humble. Humility is the
powerful mans way of charming and connecting with others who might otherwise
be blown away and swept into auto-rejection by his status. The higher in value you
become, the more extreme the effect you have on others, and the more you must
implement humbleness to remain relatable and attainable and make sure that extreme
effect is a positive one. It becomes vital attainability technology for you to master as you
improve.
Move Faster. Finally, I probably sound like a broken record on this blog by this point,
but yeah, move faster. If youre not routinely sleeping with women the day you meet
them or on the first date, you have room to move faster. If youre not sleeping with
women in under three or four hours of face time on average, you need to be moving
faster. You dont have to do it all at once you can certainly build up to it gradually
but you should be steadily moving faster and faster as you upgrade your abilities with
women. The speed with which you move should be one of the key places you look to
level up. Sorry for the video game terminology too many years of Daggerfall and
other TES games (just found out Skyrim is coming out later this year Im going to have
to push to hit my quota of girls for the year before then, because once November 11th
hits Im going to be in front of my computer, eyes glued to the screen all day every day
for at least a few weeks).
If you get these things handled, youll be much better served at avoiding and staying out of autorejection. As noted in Escalation Windows, once you end up in the hole that is auto-rejection,
its a hell of a hard climb to get out. Its far better to simply never get into auto-rejection in the
first place treat the cause, and youll have little need to worry about treating the symptoms.
When youve gotten yourself focusing on the means lain out above for avoiding auto-rejection,
youll find girls will tend to be a lot more comfortable putting their guards down and just going
with the flow of things around you, and youll start finding you have more and more and faster
and faster success with them. Because attainability really is a spectrum, and the better you get
with it, and the closer you get to that ideal middle line to walk upon, the better women treat
you, react to you, and like you.
by Cody Lyans
Thursday, 20 March 2014
Is it that girls are illogical, or is it that by worrying if a girl will follow our logic we forget
to inspire them instead?
When it comes to girls, an experienced man knows that thinking outside the box is key to
understanding the choices women make, and he embraces this fact because it not only affords
her freedoms, but it affords him some too. Great relationships are built upon an understanding of
why women need to be inspired daily rather than won over once and expected to then do as
you do. Learn to inspire them and get rid of that confusion today.
If you are like most men, you have probably found yourself in this scenario: a girl has shown
interest in you, and has indicated she will go out with you, etc., but then when it comes time she
is nowhere to be seen or heard from. You call her later: Where were you? and she replies with
something that makes no sense too you, given your prior arrangement: Oh, you didnt call so I
assumed it was off.
What?
To better understand why women do these kinds of things, you have to take on the attitude
that accepts the behavior before passing judgement on it. Girls do things like this because,
like you, they fear all kinds of rejection and making mistakes, but unlike you, they must consider
the social consequences of how each situation felt and how it will reflect on them if they act
on it. Girls do not reciprocate feelings and actions based on logic because the feeling of each
action must be judged independently according to its context at that moment in time.
incapable of assuring her desires will be met. This leads to that dramatic turnaround we have all
experienced at one point or another where a girl just simply doesnt do what we expected her to.
If you are like most guys you probably assume that each doubt a woman has can be countered by
simply displaying or inferring the opposite of her doubt.
However, when you infer the opposite of a womans doubt, you will most of the time make the
doubt stronger.
It is like Newtons third law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.; you
push doubt and it pushes back. Instead of making logical arrangements and countering doubts
directly (like most guys), you need to create a consistent set of behaviours that continue to set
the right mood and communicate the right things independent of her doubts and
projections. Lets call this law the law of conserving momentum, and when you conserve
momentum you absolutely reduce the need to address her doubts directly. When we set an
example that exists independent of any disruptions, doubt removes itself from the equation,
because the momentum allows her to project future outcomes.
In order to restore the attraction she felt when you two met, you have to remember that part of
the thrill of speaking to a guy she met is experiencing how he changes her reactions to the world
again. When you are addressing her doubts you are NOT refilling her memory with all the
details that make her feel attracted to you.
When you continue to reignite the spark of that first encounter, the woman fills with the same
feelings as when you first met, sees similar projections, and will agree to meet with you just like
before... but if you let the momentum dwindle and disappear, she will most likely act more
irrationally.
As a man, you should make it a rule to never break down and become logical and contest
her doubts directly; instead you must always reignite her memory and fuel your continuing
momentum so she can continue projecting the same outcomes. In order to avoid a woman
forgetting your date, you need to help her feel great again and again and again.
As men we try to stick with what is working. This is the right attitude, but our actions must be
consistent, not just our intentions. We need to stick with what actions work with girls, and get a
girl to feel the same way we did when we first met her every time we can.
Many relationship issues come back to a man trying to use logic to get what he wants, and
punishing the woman for not acting in perfect clockwork with needs he believes are logical. If
you have ever had a boss at work that told you how you should feel about work, and how you
should behave in every minor situation, you can understand how an overbearing micromanager
can create a lot of hostility and conflict.
Never make women begrudgingly follow orders, always inspire them to remember the reason
WHY you inspire those emotions and feelings of attraction in her every time.
Attraction is the opposite of wanting to follow orders. You have to keep good feelings
constantly coming in so that you never lose your sense of upcoming events and how to best
address them. Women want to FEEL attraction, but rarely at the price of being told what to do.
Women dont want to work to be part of a role; they just want to play the other part as long as
you can inspire them to.
If you keep the present moment jovial, fun, and as bold as ever, the future will always look great
and she will not assume the worst about your future but instead will start planning for the best!
Because inspiring examples make people believe in positives and forget their doubts.
Instead of telling a woman what to feel, STOP, and consider that, if she could control how she
felt, she wouldnt appreciate what you can bring to her life. Resolve within yourself to
become an example of independence and consistent passion and desire. Dont get turned off by
her reservations, but instead spur yourself on, and inspire her with your unshakable confidence.
Uphold the positive mood and momentum without ever having a second thought about what
little assurances you might have to give her throughout the journey. Set an example that boldly
sees ahead in time and can communicate to her right now how great it will be. Never wrestle her
doubts with logic, but instead remind her why both of you have momentum, and spark the fires
of her attraction with the little details that can only come from you interacting with her again.
If she looks at you and sees a future she likes, she is going to motivate herself to come and meet
you. She is going to stop humming and hawing and she is going to be bold. And she will come
on that date with you, not because it is the logical thing to do, but because it is fun, because she
remembers why it is fun to hang out with you, and because these little bumps and rocks in the
road dont bother you!
Overcome your need for her to be logical and just inspire her to come out instead.
Cody Lyans
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 4 January 2011
Women are subtle in how they show interest. Well, by male standards, anyway. Even when
women think they are blatantly obvious, theyre quite often being very subtle by male standards.
Learning to tell how girls show interest is a very valuable skill for a man, because it will allow
him to operate with greater assurance hes making the right move at the right time, and will also
allow him to pick up the pace when a woman signals she is ready.
The last couple of girls I slept with surprised me a little at how quickly they were ready to get
together. They gave me some hints that probably wouldve seemed fairly subtle; a friend of mine
remarked that one of the girls I took home and bedded rather quickly quite recently hadnt even
seemed to be terribly interested in me, and that it just looked like we were having a good
conversation. Being able to read the signals they gave me was the main reason I moved as
quickly with them as I did.
theyre interested, then do something that makes it seem like theyre being challenging or aloof.
Its important to understand why this happens.
Remember that for women, saving face is extremely important, no matter where in the world
you are. A womans social reputation is tied to her desirability to men and her choosiness; there
is little more damaging to a womans reputation than for her to be seen throwing herself at a man
who wont take her. Because of this, womens efforts to show men theyre interested are
often couched within efforts to seem aloof or disinterested.
For instance, a girl may tell a guy, Wow, were so similar, then proceed to act distracted or
look away. The guy may scratch his head, wondering if that means she likes him or not.
This is probably the most common way you will see women expressing interest in you; theyll
give you a hint, then stuff it under sarcasm or aloofness.
There is a secret to understanding these scrambled messages women send though its like a
secret decoder ring for woman-speak. Here it is:
If a woman implies she is interested in you, you should accept the statement as a sign of interest
and ignore sarcasm, aloofness, or feigned distraction as simply her efforts to protect her
reputation in the event you do not feel the same or do not take action to lead her to a satisfactory
conclusion.
In other words, its her insurance policy. By not throwing all her chips in by being completely
overt about her interest, she allows herself some wiggle room to later say, Oh, I wasnt really
interested in him, I was just kidding, if things dont work out.
Which means, of course, that your ears should perk up the instant you hear something that
implies a girl is interested in you then, pick up the pace and start moving things forward as
quickly as possible (but, needless to say, wait a moment before springing to action you must
always have your actions seem your own, as opposed to being reactions to something the girl
has done. Even a small pause of three or four seconds can sometimes be enough just give
yourself a little time and be very casual, nonchalant, and natural about things).
The girl I slept with quickly on our first date the other day, I hadnt been expecting to do that
with. I thought we were going to go and grab some food at a restaurant. But she got a weird look
on her face when she saw me as I reached her car, and when we got in she asked me if I wanted
to go to my place or drive around. It was kind of a strange question for her to ask, just because
girls dont usually ask that kind of thing, so I said my place, and we went upstairs, and she got
into a position on my sofa with her body facing very directly and very openly toward me, so I
read that as her being desirous of fast intimacy with me, and I took her quickly to bed.
You must get in the habit of responding this way to interest women show you; often they will
show it to you only once, maybe twice, and never again. You dont get second chances with
lustful women. They can quickly be hurt or upset that you did not want them when they offered
themselves to you, and will close themselves up to protect their feelings, pride, and reputation.
I had a girl in Seoul, South Korea back in July that I lost from not capitalizing on the interest she
showed me. She was such a great girl to me she took me to her favorite restaurant in town,
treated me to dinner, walked with me to a tea place, paid for the tea as well, and even offered to
drive me back to the apartment I was staying at. She asked me if my friend would be home at his
apartment (he wasnt) something thatd be brutally blatant for a girl to say in any culture, but
especially one that can be as reserved as South Koreas (if youre wondering why, theres really
only one reason a girl would start wondering whether anyone else would be in your apartment or
if youd be alone there). I gave her only a half-assed effort to get her upstairs with me when we
arrived at the apartment though, and needless to say she didnt come.
I felt awful by the time Id arrived upstairs this girl who by her own account hadnt had a lover
since she broke up with her boyfriend nearly a year ago, this beautiful girl, whod been so
excited about seeing me and had told all her officemates about me, had made it as clear as she
could have that she wanted to accompany me upstairs and have me as her lover that night, and I
let her down. I let her down after shed bought me dinner at her favorite restaurant and bought
me tea at a very nice little tea place and shown me around town and driven me home so I didnt
have to pay a taxi or ride the subway. She of course flaked on the date wed had set up for the
next weekend, and didnt return any of my phone calls or text messages, not replying to me at
all until I sent her an email after Id left Korea.
The girl I slept with this past Sunday also asked me if I had a roommate as we drove back to my
apartment, and even confirmed. No friend in your apartment? she double-checked prior to us
going upstairs. I made sure I didnt let her down.
Ive taken these two rules for myself, and I recommend you take them for yourself as well.
Theyve been serving me quite well since I adopted them:
Shift gears and throw your seduction into overdrive when a girl gives you a nudge
implying she likes you a lot or is thinking about intimacy. If a girl feels she has to
help you out and drop hints, thats basically her way of saying, Okay, enough chit-chat,
lets get down to business. Shes ready, shes made her decision, and she needs you to
step things up and make it happen.
Persist harder and more confidently when youve gotten signals. I might let
something go if a girl hasnt signaled to me shes interested (or I might not; depends on
my mood, my sex drive at the moment, and how much I like the girl), but if shes
signaled to me shes interested, I will not let things slip through anymore like I did with
that girl in Korea (and quite a few others littered throughout my past poor lonely
disappointed women. Apologies to all the girls who counted on me for a wonderful night
and I let them down by being oblivious to their signals). I will persist in asking her to
accompany me until shes said no eight or ten or twelve times which, when it comes to
girls whove signaled to you they want things to progress, almost never happens. You
usually wont get to eight times they say yes at two or three.
A few examples of things a girl might do that should serve as a strong signal to you shes
interested:
She says youd make a great couple, you look good together, anything like that
She says youre handsome or sexy
She asks you where you live, especially if it comes at an unusual time in the conversation
or out of the middle of nowhere
She asks if you live alone or with friends or roommates, and especially if she asks if they
are home right now
She focuses more of her attention on you, especially if youve been quiet or other people
are competing for her attention, but shes still devoting a lot of attention to you
She does something physically suggestive, like taking your arm and putting it around her
or taking your hand and putting it on her, or putting her hand or legs on you
She buys you food or buys you a drink
And, a few examples of things a girl might do immediately following one of these signals that
you ought to just ignore outright:
If a girl shows interest in you, then does something like one of the above, ignore it and proceed
with her anyway. For instance, she says, Youre so handsome. Or maybe Im just drunk.
You say, Nah, Id be handsome even if you were sober. Come on, lets go grab a seat.
~~~~~~~~~~
The more I pay attention, the more surprised I am at how many apparently blatant signals
women throw at men that theyre interested and want to move things forward. Like, women
signal this stuff a lot.
I just spent a minute scanning back over every girl I can remember enough details about the
conversation prior to us getting together, and, hmm maybe 70% of them gave me some kind
of rather strong indication prior to us getting together that they wanted to? And those are the
ones that kinda sorta registered, and Im just now scanning back and realizing were rather
obvious signals they wanted to get together. There might have been all kinds of other ones that
didnt register at all, from both those girls and other ones I didnt register any from that Im
counting in the 30% negatives.
Really wasnt even fully cognizant of this stuff until maybe early summer this year, and I wasnt
capitalizing on it consistently until maybe even a couple of months ago; I was sensing it but only
capitalizing on it inconsistently prior, and before early summer I was just kind of bludgeoning
my way around, relying on a rough sense of timing based on past experience of how fast pulls
went. Of course, how fast your pulls went a year ago is not going to be close to how fast your
pulls go right now if youve been making steady progress.
Im only starting to realize how fast I can pull now that Im recognizing these signals from girls.
Ive been surprised fairly often lately; Ill be sitting there, thinking, Okay, now Ill get the girl
to tell me some stuff about her past, and then and suddenly she will say something that
amounts to, Are you going to take me home already? and Im caught thinking to myself,
Wait, what? Did I hear this correctly? No, she cant possibly well, Im going to be mad at
myself if I dont try. All right, here goes.
And then we get together and Im pleasantly surprised at how quickly it all went down.
Jesus, why did it take me so long to see these? So many disappointed women I left in the past
I feel like going and sitting in the corner with my dunce cap on. Seriously, start paying
attention to what women are telling you and how girls show interest; you may be surprised
how fast theyre ready to do something with you.
And I'll talk to you again soon.
Best,
Chase Amante
Hey Anon,
Thanks for the comment. I'm happy to take the chance to clarify.
Coercion is using force or intimidation to get someone to do something. Coercion is not the
same as persistence; the two are worlds apart.
Persistence is telling a girl you'd like to spend time with her and she should come with you,
possibly a handful of times (typically, it's really only 2 - 5 times max; 10 or 12 is doable, though
depending on the situation may or may not be excessive). She can:
Coercion, on the other hand, is when you remove the final option -- when she can't walk
away.
I'd never advocate something like that, and I'd quite vehemently rail against anyone who did.
Also, there's a tone in your comment that suggests you believe women only sleep with men they
intend to date / marry / spend their lives with (except on holiday). It's a little reality-distorting
for many men to hear, but in fact... women -- just about all women -- LOVE intimacy in and of
itself! Communicating you're not a candidate for boyfriend-hood is vital, both in setting the right
expectations for the girl and in achieving intimacy without burdening yourself with all the extra
hoops to jump through that being considered for boyfriend status comes with.
As to the girl you took in the fire escape...! That's about as manly a place you could take a girl;
I'm not surprised she wants to see you again! Try this post for letting her down easy:
Let a Girl Down the Right Way
Best,
Chase
Howdy Jimbob, yeah, it took me a long time to shake off that "act disinterested" mumbo jumbo
you'll pick up in pick up circles.
The advice is well-intended, but it's only partially correct. It'd be far better if the advice was
"show interest in a subtle, sexy way" instead of "show no interest at all whatsoever."
Even with beautiful girls, you're right, not showing interest doesn't work. And the more
attractive and powerful you become, the more not showing interest doesn't work. Just like a guy
might talk to a really beautiful girl for a moment, and if he doesn't get any hint of interest he'll
give up and leave, so too will women -- even beautiful women -- quickly give up on men they
feel aren't interested.
I'd agree with you that even most beautiful women have average self-esteem. Feigning
disinterest is almost always a losing battle -- seek to convey your interest with social grace and
subtlety instead.
I'll try and get a post up on this soon, it's a good topic.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 11 October 2011
Howdy Kevin,
Hey man, glad you like the site. Extremely cool to hear you've been seeing noticeably gains just
from putting to use things you've picked up on here.
How long a woman will retain her interest is <i>highly</i> variable. I think the main
determinants are:
e.g., if you made a really strong first impression, she might've gotten infatuated with you right
then, which means it'll last longer for her. If you made an ordinary first impression, it'll be a lot
less. Or, if she has a number of options for dating but those options all suck, she'll likely stay
interested in you longer than a girl who has a lot of attractive options, and new options
continually coming onto the table. A lot of this you won't know -- you're not really going to
know what her options look like until after the two of you are already lovers, and even then you
might never really know -- so it's best to just move as quickly as possible and minimize the
chance that life intervenes.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Today I want to talk about a strange and confusing topic for a lot of guys - namely, getting
mixed signals from a girl.
You know what mixed signals are: one moment, she's flirty and warm with you, and you get
excited, thinking you're getting somewhere with her. The next moment, she's cool and aloof and you're really not sure what happened.
Then, out of nowhere - BAM! You're back get warm, flirty behavior from her.
So does that mean she likes you, or does that mean she doesn't?
In "How Girls Show Interest," we discussed one of the causes of mixed signals from girls women's need to often couch their interest in aloofness or disinterest so as not to risk their
images or ego by putting themselves out there too far and not getting the response they were
looking for.
Because the fact remains that - in spite of the occasional commenter or two on here lamenting,
"Why can't women just come up to us guys and ask us out?" - men do the approaching and the
asking out, while women do the waiting and the weighing of those choices among men who've
asked them out. These roles in the initial approach to mating mirror the final roles in the
bedroom - men aggress, women receive.
There are a few other reasons why a girl will send you mixed messages, however; the complete
list is this:
1. She's deliberately not sticking her neck out too far - in case you don't bite
2. She's just naturally a flirtatious girl and likes flirting and/or she's leading you on to
capture your interest and keep you around her
3. She's legitimately switching her mind like crazy - one minute into you, the next minute
not
Here's quick one-over of each of these potential reasons for this behavior from her.
Handsome
Charming
Sociable
Outgoing
Good in bed
Makes me feel good
My friends like him
Smart
Good sense of humor
Good job
Makes good money
Affectionate
Cares about me
Romantic
Sexy
Meanwhile, if you ask the average man what he looks for in a woman, you'll get something like
this back:
Long hair
Not too fat
Hasn't hit menopause yet
You can identify a girl who's a big flirt by the facts that she:
To her, it's all a game. She either enjoys flirting with men and the attention they give her a lot,
she likes having men around her (for emotional validation or for the feelings of security this
gives), or both.
Worth pointing out for the newer guys: women aren't doing this to spite you. They also don't
see this behavior as "harmful" or "bad" - i.e., they don't see themselves as distractions to you
finding a "real" woman who's actually into you, anymore than men dating women they aren't
serious about view themselves as distractions to those women trying to find "real" men to settle
down with.
They're simply doing it because it's fun, it feels good, and they assume because you are being so
warm and friendly and nice back, you must enjoy it too.
When I was relatively young and still inexperienced with girls, I blew up at a girl for "playing
games" like this with me. I wasn't the only guy she did it with - she was doing it with lots of
them. But they were never going to blow up at her, just keep being nice and hoping she'd throw
them a bone. I realized she was toying with me, and I got nasty. I ended up apologizing for the
emotional venting - she wasn't being malicious, she was just following her programming - and I
cut her off after that. I'd run into her from time to time thereafter, and she'd always be
conciliatory and ask how I was doing and tell me she was single now and tell me I could call her
sometime and things like that - I'd laugh and say thanks, but better if I don't. I don't think she had
any idea she affected me (or any other guy) that much until that incident.
A girl who's a big flirt is a big flirt because the feedback she gets from men is positive. Just
like what a lot of guys new to meeting women end up doing when they pursue reactions over
results - someone does something, gets a good response, and does more of it.
As women become more experienced with men and dating, they tend to figure out that the guys
who don't move fast and don't aggressively go after what they want are just inexperienced with
women and haven't really figured out what they're doing yet. So, you won't usually see women
past 27 or 28 flipping out and going crazy one way or the other about a guy.
The younger you get though, the more you can see this frustrated flipping... where one moment
she's flirting, the next minute she's cold, and the minute after that she's flirting again.
How can you tell the difference between a girl who can't make up her mind and a girl
who's interested but protecting her neck? Simple:
The girl who's being guarded about her interest won't go cold on you... she'll just act a
little aloof. The girl who's repeatedly changing her mind will sway from hot and bothered
over you to cold and deep into auto-rejection over you to (sometimes) hot and bothered
over you all over again
The girl who's being guarded is generally sexier and more subtle. The girl who can't
make up her mind will often have bursts of showing you lots of blatant interest followed
by bursts of blatant coldness and disinterest
The girl who's being guarded will be receptive when you try to move things forward;
meanwhile, the girl who can't make up her mind will usually agree, then disagree, then
perhaps later agree again, or vice versa
The important thing to remember here is that most of the time when a girl's acting like her
decision making has gone spastic it's coming as a response to how she's perceived your actions
and intentions toward her - she thought you liked her, then thought you didn't, then thought too
bad, you moved too slow, then thought, well, maybe I do like him, then wrote you off again for
not taking action... and so on and so forth.
It's a frustrating thing to be on the receiving end of a girl's mixed signals. Fortunately, carving
through these is easy enough - provided you're taking the steps necessary to move things
forward.
That means pushing ahead for investment, getting girls contributing, and continually escalating
an interaction.
If you aren't doing - or aren't willing to be doing - the step-taking you need to be to find out if
you've got a girl who's legitimately interested in you or who's just playing the flirting game,
though... well, those mixed messages may last just about forever.
Step 1: Get investment from her (get compliance, move her, etc.)
Step 2: Ask her out
Step 3: Take her to bed
Teasing her,
Flirting with her,
Bantering with her,
And talking to her
If, however, she's in categories two or three - she's more in love with flirting than she is with
you, say, or she can't make up her mind whether she wants something with you or not - she's
going to slip and slide around and deflect your efforts to escalate things.
What that looks like is this: you'll try to get investment from her, and she'll deftly outmaneuver
you.
You'll try to ask her out, and she'll never quite be available.
You'll try to take her home, and some last minute excuse will come up every time.
Even if she likes you, she has competing objectives - she may be somewhat attracted to you,
but also value you as a friend, say, or not want to risk any rumors spreading in school or at work.
Or, she might like you a little bit, but she also likes the attention you give her, and she doesn't
want to risk trading one for the other.
Now, what normally happens here is that the guy on the receiving end of mixed signals will hem
and haw and make excuses for her. "Well, I can see that she'd be busy," he might say, or, "That
was kind of an awkward way I asked her out - she'd probably be more open to going out with me
if I came in more smooth."
If you catch yourself doing this, it means you're being out-gamed; she's more experienced at
dating than you are, and she's giving you pause (the better you get, the more you give pause to
girls rather than them give pause to you - in the mating dance, one person is usually more certain
and in charge than the other, while the other is more confused and thoughtful and reflective).
Instead, you want to be the one giving her pause.
That means you:
Call her out on her deflections and refuse to let her give a non-answer
Work on nailing things down to the point where you get a solid "yes" or "no"
Insist on compliance until you get it or it blows up in your face
Caveat: most women won't like being forced to be totally honest about their intentions and
getting called out on their game. For this reason, it's usually better to avoid nailing down women
at work, in school, or in your close social circle. In these cases, if a girl continually slips away
from you, it's better just to chalk her up as a loss and move on.
However... if you're free of social consequences from calling women out on slipperiness... I
recommend you try nailing them down (as smoothly and socially graciously as possible).
Here's an example of how this'd go, with a girl who's always been flirty with you but
noncommittal:
You: Natalie, what say we grab a coffee or an ice cream this week or next?
Her: Oh, thanks for the invite! I'm not sure what my schedule looks like... let me let you know.
Already from the tone you probably ought to realize this girl is less than thrilled you asked. It
may be she liked things just the way they were, if she knows you socially, or she simply isn't
feeling it with you.
The next time you see her, assuming she never gets back to you on coffee/ice cream:
You: How're this week's adventures coming along, miss?
Her: Huh? Oh, really good! How's everything with you?
You: Peachy as always. I'm grabbing brunch at the Waffle House in about 20 minutes - it'd be
delightful if you came along.
Here, you don't press her about the same date - the assumption is, if she was really interested in
coffee or ice cream she would've gotten back to you.
If you press about coffee or ice cream again, you look socially awkward - here's a guy who
"doesn't get it."
So you change something - she either doesn't like coffee/ice cream, or she doesn't like you. You
assume she's fine with you and it's the date she doesn't like - so you change that and ask again.
Every time you ask, she's either going to be more likely to say "yes" if she likes you, or she's
going to get more uncomfortable with being asked if she doesn't.
Are you fine with making women who flirt with you but don't actually have any romantic/sexual
interest in you uncomfortable for the sake of finding the women who flirt with you and who do
have romantic/sexual interest in you? I know I am.
At some point, if you keep getting deflections, you can write a woman off as not "serious," and
move on. For me, this is generally between two and three deflections - but I've had women tell
me stories about men they worked with or went to school with that they initially had no interest
in and only ended up dating after the guy asked them out 10 or 12 times. So, anecdotally at least,
it does seem to be possible to "wear girls down," at least some of the time... but you've got to
actually be asking them out when you to do this.
You won't make headway by sitting around hoping and praying and waiting for "the right
moment," because chances are that moment will never come - and even if it does, you'll have
built it up so much by that point that it'll fly right by without you ever doing anything about it.
If you work to nail things down with a slippery woman and she evades you enough times that
you're convinced she isn't interested, it's at your discretion whether you'd like to continue flirting
and bantering with her or not. If you do, do it just for the fun of it - not because you think it's
getting you somewhere with her (it isn't; she's a pro at this).
by Chase Amante
Friday, 28 December 2012
No doubt you've had the experience of having things all locked with a girl - she's agreed to a
date, say, or she's decided that, yes, she's coming to this restaurant or bar with you, or, yes, she's
coming home with you.
And then, the girl changes her mind.
It can be enough to drive you crazy. All that work just to get her to say "yes"... and then she goes
and says, "Wait, on second though - no!"
Or, you're out with a girl and she says, "Let's get some ice cream. Can we get ice cream?" So
you say sure, and start heading to the ice cream shop. Then, out of the blue, she says, "Wait, no;
let's get some Mexican food. Come on, I want Mexican." So then she turns the two of you
around and now you're walking back the way you came, in the direction of the Mexican food
she's now so certain she wants.
And God help you if you should find yourself out with a gaggle of girls, where you're the only
man and you're not in charge... the endless back and forth between one girl saying, "I want this!"
and then minutes later saying, "Wait, I want this!" and the next girl saying the same thing and
other girls yelling, "What should we DO?" and still more girls yelling, "Come on! Let's just go!"
can be enough to drive a man mad.
Where does all this indecision stem from - and what can you do about it as a man?
They don't say it too much anymore - no doubt the terrifying specter of being labeled as "sexist"
has cowed most men and women who'd otherwise have used it into submission - but it used to
be common to say that "changing her mind is a woman's prerogative."
The words "flighty," "ditzy," and even, sometimes, "girly," are all used mainly with women, and
carry, among other connotations, a connotation of being indecisive and subject to change minds
at a whim.
This is largely accepted and jocularly bandied about in popular culture as something that
everyone knows. It's considered not a big deal - but one that frustrates men.
Conversely, a man being flighty is a fate worse than death. The man is considered wishywashy, unreliable, and womanly.
Why is it culturally acceptable for women to be "ditzy," but not for men?
As leaders, a certain degree of expectation is levied upon men to step up and, well, lead. And
you cannot lead when you are wishy-washy and indecisive.
I once read a profound leadership address given to the graduating class of officers of a branch of
the U.S. Army toward the end of World War I. Among a number of unconventional - and very
good - pieces of leadership advice given was this gem:
Every time you change your orders without obvious reason you weaken your
authority and impair the confidence of your men. Have the moral courage to stand by
your order and see it through.
This, I think, drives at the very core of why many men learn not to be wishy-washy or
indecisive: you cannot lead when you repeatedly change your mind.
And as a man, far less in life is available to you if you cannot lead.
But what about women? Aren't there advantages to women of learning to lead, too?
In the West, it was common until quite recently to have "breach of promise" laws in place
protecting women from men backing out of marriage. These were one-sided laws - a woman
could back out of agreeing to marry a man at any time, and suffer no penalties; but were a man
to promise marriage to a woman, and later back out, he could be sued, and would be forced by
the courts to make amends for the woman's wasted time.
These laws were not repealed in the United States until beginning in 1935 (and, as a result, De
Beers's advertising efforts to make diamond engagement rings a symbol of security and certainty
for women promised marriage soared to rip-roaring success), and not until 1970 were these laws
reformed in Britain.
From as far as I can tell... the advantage to women seems to come from not leading, rather than
from leading.
Women who lead are often treated with disdain, both by men and by other women.
Women who lead are frequently looked down upon as masculine and unattractive.
Women who lead find it harder to find men strong enough to date them and remain with them in
relationships.
While life is easier for men who lead, it's harder for women who do.
Thus, many men condition themselves for decisiveness in order to lead better and reap more
rewards in life... while many women actively avoid leadership roles, and hence never have much
need to train themselves to be decisive.
As a result of this, you get a girl who changes her mind frequently - and without much reason to
want to do otherwise.
So, a girl may say, "I want Italian food!" but then realize, as she runs through her thoughts, that
she just ate Italian last week and, oh, right, Johnny broke up with her at an Italian restaurant
almost a year ago exactly. Suddenly, her mind changes: "Wait, I don't want Italian; I want
Greek!" So then she starts heading toward the Greek restaurant, but her mind's still processing
Italian food and she realizes she could really go for a cannoli, and they don't serve those at the
Greek restaurant. "No, wait -" she'll say, "let's do Greek!"
Or, she may say she wants Italian, and a friend says that the waiters at the Italian restaurant
they're headed to are all rude and not very good, and she says, "I don't care!" but then, as the
information sinks in, she changes her mind; she doesn't want a rude waiter! What if she wants a
water but can't get it because he's rude? Or he spits in her food in the kitchen?
Men go through this too, but it's to a lesser extent - add that to the fact that men also have
greater social pressure on them not to appear indecisive, and you've got decisive-seeming men,
and indecisive-seeming women.
Which is all well and good... until you find yourself needing a woman to make a decision and
she keeps changing her mind.
That's when it stops being all well and good, and you start racking your brain for a solution.
How do you get things moving again when a girl changes her mind all the time?
The need to lead comes into play when you are in the process of moving things forward with a
girl you'd like to take as your lover or girlfriend. Leaving things entirely up to her, when she is
busily being buffeted about by the winds of emotional maelstroms coming at her from all sides,
is a recipe for near-certain failure.
As we talked about in "The Real Reason Many Men Can't Get a Girl," leading women is
absolutely vital to your success with women.
If you sit around waiting for women to make up their minds about you, you will fail - and worse,
the men who aren't sitting around waiting will get the very women you want.
See "How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever Need" for a cut-and-dry example of why
this is and how this plays out most commonly among daters.
With girls who change their minds frequently - while it is their prerogative to do so, perhaps - it
isn't your responsibility to have to sit there and wait.
What you need to be able to do is to lead - and, you need to be able to walk away.
Women aren't all that attracted to men who need them more than they need the men.
Ultimatums come from a position of weakness, and are "last shot" desperation moves.
They only work if the other person is also feeling emotionally weak, and is desperate to hang
onto you, too. However, this is rarely the case, and, as such, ultimatums are rarely
successful.
Most women will recognize an ultimatum for what it is - a shot in the dark by someone feeling
desperate.
So, if your reaction to a girl who changes her mind too much is to belt out an ultimatum, take a
second to cool your heels - ultimatums make you sound weak.
Instead, what you want to do is force a decision.
That looks like this:
You: Do you want to grab a seat at the table by the window, or in the booth over there?
Her: Umm... let's sit by the window.
You: Okay.
Her: No, wait - the booth is probably more comfortable.
You: So you want to sit in the booth?
Her: I think so... but the window has great light.
You: Pick one, which is it: table or booth?
just looking at dealing with indecision at the point of decision making, rather than what goes
into women being indecisive and how to combat indecision at its roots).
course of action. Even when you try to force a decision, she still stays indecisive.
What's bad about this for you: the longer you stick around waiting for her to make up her
mind, the less of a dominant man you seem to be, and the more indecisive she feels like you
are, right up with her.
I'll tell you a secret: men with lots going on in their lives who are busy and in-demand and have
a lot of choice with women absolutely do not stand by for minutes on end and wait for indecisive
people go back and forth about their decisions. They DEMAND action!
Why?
Because their time is too valuable to waste on someone who's wasting time doggy-paddling
around decisions.
So what do you do when you find yourself in a situation where you're asking a woman to decide
and she simply can't? You decide for her... but in a way that lets her chime in with her own
decision if she likes, last minute.
The second part is very necessary, because if you unilaterally say, "Fine, let's do THIS!" some
women will automatically rebel against that as "coercive" and do whatever the other option was.
They'll feel like they're being pushed or compelled instead of helped along in a decision where
they'd reached mental gridlock, and can work to eject out of the decision they're being "forced"
into.
So you must always give her an out, so that she knows she can weigh in with her own opinion or
decision at any time (should she happen to reach one!).
Ultimately, that looks like this:
You: Let's take a seat over there.
Her: But my friends are all over here!
You: Okay, so you don't want to leave your friends?
Her: Well... I'm not sure.
You: Are you enjoying talking with me?
Her: Yes.
You: Would you like to keep talking with me?
Her: Yes.
You: Don't you think we'd have an easier time talking if it was just the two of us?
Her: Well, maybe... I don't know.
You: Okay, I'll tell you what: we're going to get up and go sit over there. It's not very far away,
but we'll be able to talk better. Your friends can see you from here, too. And if after you get over
there you decide you'd rather stay with your friends, you can come back whenever. Let's go.
Her: Okay.
By letting her know she can still change her mind at any time, you're reassuring her that she's
still in control of what she's doing.
And women will still change their minds sometimes. Sometimes you'll be taking a girl to sit
down with you somewhere, or you're taking her home with you, or whatnot, and she'll suddenly
tell you, "I'm sorry, I can't leave my friends," and she'll turn around and walk off.
That can be because you made a mistake somewhere along the line and she started feeling
uncomfortable, or it can be because she was never all that interested in you in the first place.
And that's okay; it happens sometimes.
Much of the time though, your girl will simply come along with you, and she'll be happy
that she did. You'll even have women thank you later for getting them to come along with you...
once the two of you are lovers, assuming you give her a great experience, she'll often tell you it's
a good thing you insisted on her coming along with you, or she'd have missed an amazing
experience. Other times, she won't mention it at all, but just tell you that you're a very manly
man, and much more masculine than most of the men she meets.
used, leading women to make decisions is immensely useful for your seductions, and goes a
long way toward making sure that things go the way you want and need them to go (especially
when faced with indecisive women).
Most of all though, helping decisions, forcing decisions, and taking action saves you time,
weeding out the women who don't really like you all that much, and moving things along with
the ones who do.
In seduction, as in life, there are a lot of people who will be content to simply waste your time.
A big part of forcing decisions is simply screening out the ones who'll do that, and screening in
the ones who won't.
by Drexel Scott
Thursday, 28 November 2013
Men do it when faced with new prospects, and women do it when they begin to realize a man is
interested in intimacy.
In this article, I am going to cover various EFAs that men and women can make, as well as the
best way to respond to certain common female EFAs.
The first thing to understand is that, whether you're conscious of it or not, every word out of
your mouth, every action, is a piece of your Early Frame Announcement.
If you meet a new girl and begin to talk about Disney-esque love and how you just want to meet
a good woman and settle down, you are announcing -- in terms she is very familiar with -- that
you are seeking a long-term monogamous relationship, which "if it works" will lead to marriage
and a life together.
If you meet a new girl and begin to tell stories of threesomes you've had or funny sex
adventures, you are announcing that you are a sexual guy, who is comfortable with his
masculinity and is primarily seeking a physical relationship.
Some Girls Chase readers may recognize those two particular EFAs as "provider and lover,"
respectively. As those have been covered at length elsewhere on this site, I will not go into great
detail here. Those are two basics, from which everything else springs.
However, smart guys will also recognize that even within the lover category, there are
various ways to portray yourself and your interests. You can be a one-night-stand kind of
guy, a kinky sex kind of guy, a great short-term relationship guy, etc. As the focus of most men
here is to obtain more and better sex, I will focus on those, rather than the classic "Provider"
frames, which none of you should be doing (even if you wish to be a provider someday).
Before I begin, I can hear some of your minds saying "But Drexel, how do I know which of
those to portray?"
Well, as I mentioned in my very first article on Girls Chase, you need to know what you want.
What do you want?
Pick one, get good with it, then move on to being more flexible later.
Here is the basic rule for EFAs: whatever it is you want, hint throughout your conversation
that you have done that before, are good at it, and enjoy it immensely. For bonus points, hint
at how much you dislike the others if you truly wish to pigeonhole yourself into a specific
category in her mind.
Let's say you're into one-night-stands. What you need to do is get it into her mind that "this is the
kind of guy who would be great for a one-night-stand." Escalate quickly. Tell her you're only in
town for the night. You can't give her your number, because your phone is broken. If you get to
the logistics part, tell her you can't go back to your place because [insert excuse here]. Is your
place being bug-bombed? Roommates have a big exam the next day? Get creative.
While this isn't going to "make" any particular girl have a one-night-stand with you, you can be
sure that if you do find a girl who is open to the idea, these are some examples of ways you can
be sure she will at least consider you for the job. A girl who wants a one-night-stand isn't
going to be interested in exchanging contact info so you can go on a date later, or want to
know that she'll be seeing you often.
If you enjoy short-term flings (as I do), drop some hints in the conversation about past
wonderful experiences you've had with women, where you knew each other for a short time,
blew each others' minds with passionate sex, and then "regretfully" had to go your separate
ways. You sure hope you see her again someday, since she was such a great girl, but if your
paths never cross at least you had a once-in-a-lifetime romantic experience together.
You like kinky sex and want to find a compatible girl? Talk about your experiences with a
variety of sex toys! It'll get her horny too; everyone wins.
Of course, those of you who read my article on polyamory know that my EFA always contains
parts about non-monogamy. Since many readers are interested, I'll share the two main ways to
go about setting an ethical non-monogamous EFA -- as well as the pros and cons of each main
style.
The main downside is that this can cause auto-rejection in girls who might otherwise have slept
with you. To date, I have lost exactly two prospects by verbalizing a poly EFA before
(potentially) sleeping with them. But on the bright side, if those girls weren't compatible with
your lifestyle anyway, is it really that big of a deal that you didn't sleep with them? I'd rather
find women who are on board with my vibe.
Plenty of lovers have come into my life knowing exactly what they were getting into. Then,
there's...
There aren't quite as many in this direction, and it doesn't even matter most of the time. I'll
briefly go over some of the most common female EFAs, and provide some insight into how best
to think about and deal with them.
She has anything like a "5 date rule" or "10 date rule." If you're smart, you won't even get
to the second date with a woman like this. She is essentially seeing if she can groom you
into her perfect beta slave. If you hear anything about "rules" leave her mouth, NEXT her
immediately and delete her contact information. The only exception might be if you test
how rigid she is on this with something charming and funny, and she shows flexibility,
like the "5 date rule" girl J.J. talked about in his article on defining moments. Otherwise,
get ghost.
She's over 35/single mother/poor/religious. I'm not saying all girls in these demographics
are provider-hunting, but it's a good idea to stay extra-vigilant around these types. They
are more likely to be looking for a good little boy to service their every whim, than a
dominant man to rock their world in bed.
A girl who invites you over to her place for wine after you get her number, but told you
that first night she's "looking for something serious," is a safe bet on the "bullshitting
you" roulette spot. This is the single most common form of anti-slut defense: says she's
looking for a relationship, while discretely banging players and guys who know what they're
doing.
To figure out which category she belongs in, go into seductive mode, escalate hard and fast, and
watch her behavior. Ignore what women say as far as what they say they're looking for. Let her
body be your guide.
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
There's something in a normal relationship called the "honeymoon period." The honeymoon
period is the period in the relationship where both parties are blissful and neither one feels the
other can do any wrong and everything about one another seems special and amazing and great.
Your girl thinks you're the most perfect man on Earth, and you may very well think she's the
most perfect gal on Earth a little bit too.
But before you completely drop everything and immerse yourself into the sunshine and daisies
and rainbows of the honeymoon period, there's something you need to know: dropping rational
thought and running solely on emotions is what kills things long-term.
What are emotions? Emotions are, defined quite broadly, compelling short-term decisionmakers. Emotions compel you, more powerfully than anything else in your head aside from the
instinctive, entirely subconscious reactions of your reptile brain, to take certain actions. The
thing about emotions is, the actions they compel you take are almost always short-term
focused.
How often are the emotions you feel right now related to something you think might happen in a
year or two? Very rarely. Your emotions are almost always contingent upon what's going on in
your life right now. And that's problematic for the outset of a relationship, when you're in the
beginning of the relationship-building phase, for this reason: running a relationship on pure
emotion without setting relationship expectations is a strategy that dooms you.
In a nutshell, being in love makes people want to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week together,
and spend most of that time together either staring into each others' eyes and smiling happily at
each other, or taking each other wildly and passionately to bed.
What purpose does this serve? Well, I suppose, think about it like this: 10,000 years ago, how
often in your 35 years of life, and in your village of 100 or so people, did you meet an
amazing girl you were crazy about? Maybe once or twice in your lifetime, right? And it was
probably a similar frequency of meeting an amazing man for girls.
So when you met that once- or twice-in-a-lifetime amazing person, you'd better have hung
onto them, and spent the time you needed to spend with them to make some babies.
Otherwise, you don't pass on your genes; you line doesn't get carried on.
In other words, there may have been people who didn't fall in love, but their genes simply just
didn't get carried on with the frequency and reliability of those who did. Falling in love is
strongly selected for by natural selection because it works. It works at making babies and
passing on the genes to fall in love and make more babies, that is.
So, that's why you fall in love. You fall in love to have children as fast as possible with a girl
you like.
This is also, in my opinion, why there is such a thing as a two year drop: because, if you've
produced children in your first two years together, you need to shift your time and energy from
spending all your time together to raising your child(ren); conversely, if you haven't had any
kids in two years of staring into each others eyes and taking each other passionately to bed, that's
when evolution kicks in to tell you you ought to start looking for a more fertile partner, rather
than get stuck with someone you'll never have children with (historically speaking, if a couple
hadn't had children within their first two years together, it probably wasn't going to happen
ever).
So, the honeymoon period occurs because it's just good business for baby-making.
The problem is, no matter your intentions with this girl you're with whether your plan is to
date her for three to six months, or you plan to spend the rest of your life with her and have a
small brood of children with her falling completely prey to in-love feelings and sacrificing
all logical control and direction of yourself and your relationship is foolhardy.
You didn't listen to your emotions when you started meeting girls, otherwise you never would've
overcame the anxiety you felt before approaching this girl you're crazy about in the first place;
you never would've made that first phone call to her that you were stressing out about; you never
would've made the move that got the two of you together that you almost didn't make. You're
with her because you overcame your own emotions, I'm willing to bet.
But if that's the case, then why do so many guys think it's okay to give into the feeling of being
love and just utterly abandon all sense of balance and self-restraint? Abandoning what works for
what doesn't hasn't served people well in any area of life; I'm not really sure why they think it'll
work better in their relationships. Probably they just aren't thinking about it but not thinking
about important things isn't exactly a recipe for success.
I'm vehemently against "going with the flow" with anything in life. It's the path of least
resistance in the short term, certainly, but it produces consistently the worst results in both the
long- and the mid-terms. "Going with the flow" is the lazy man's recourse, and he gets his
desserts should we say, "flows into his desserts?" sooner rather than later, when things start
falling apart around him and the fairytale ends.
Having a short-term focus in anything means you don't plan for the future. Having a short-term
focus in relationships means you don't set the right relationship expectations, and that instead the
relationship expectations that are set are set for the emotional in-love honeymoon phase.
And here's the problem: even when those emotions dry up, the expectations you set while
those emotions were running rampant remain.
So, if you spent five days a week with a girl when you were crazy in love with her, when two
years later that feeling fades and you'd like to now start focusing on building up your businesses
so you can bring in more income and support yourself and perhaps even her if she's in your
long-term plan, or if you get promoted before then or you take on a new job that requires a much
larger degree of travel, or anything changes in your life (and change does tend to happen in most
people's lives) that impacts the time you can spend with her, what's going to happen?
She's going to feel like you're breaking your promises and reneging on the expectations you set
with her. She's going to feel like she's lost importance for you in your life, because now
things have changed. And no matter what you do, she will always look back on those earlier
times as the golden era of your relationship, and everything that came after looks yellowed and
faded by comparison.
The honeymoon is over, and because she views your love, passion, and loyalty for her as having
faded, her love, passion, and loyalty for you fades as well.
That's what the short-term focus gets you. Short-term bliss as you go with the flow; long-term
disaster as you realize you shot yourself in the foot early on and it's too late to fix now.
this blog. Even with a method at your disposal though, and great internal restraint, it can be a bit
of a slog.
So yeah, it's hard. But I will say it's very, very worth it.
Why's it so worth it? Because relationships today don't run like relationships 10,000 years
ago. Your life expectancy isn't 35 years; you aren't going to fall in love just once and raise a kid
for fifteen years with the girl immediately after and then buy the farm. You're going to fall in
love a number of times; maybe you're going to want to have a relationship with a girl for a long
time without having children right away (or ever); maybe you'll want to sustain a relationship for
decades.
If you set the wrong expectations at the outset, you'll have a miserable time managing
things in your relationship going forward.
Because, do bear in mind, whether you set them intentionally or not, you're constantly setting
relationship expectations from the beginning. Women pay attention to your actions far more than
they do your words.
If you tell a girl you want to keep things casual, but then you call her every day and text her
every day and come up with a cute little pet name for her and spend every other day with her,
she's going to see things as being quite serious and she's going to expect a lot of your time
because you treated her like a guy who's quite serious about her would, and because you gave
her a lot of your time.
And then, if you decide to cut back on that, she's going to get hurt and upset.
To save yourself some headache, and to save your girl some heartache, it's absolutely,
positively crucial that you set early relationship expectations. This is something I can't stress
enough; if you aren't doing this if you're just going with the flow instead you're setting
yourself up for a lot of problems down the road. Setting expectations is just good practice; it
helps you get a lot more miles out of your relationships, and those miles cover a road that's a lot
smoother and features a lot fewer potholes and speed bumps along the way.
1. Time. No matter how incredible your new girl is, you should stick to seeing her not more
than twice a week. A good rule of thumb I go by for a primary girlfriend is one weekday,
and one weekend night / day. In other words, I might see a girl on a Tuesday or
Wednesday night, and then maybe I see her Saturday evening and she spends the night
and I see her during the day on Sunday too. Regardless of what days you choose, look to
keep it to two.
For casual relationships, you should not exceed one day a week maximum preferably a
weeknight. Spending a weekend day or night with a girl you're only seeing casually
communicates things are getting more serious e.g., instead of partying with your
friends or looking for a higher quality, serious girlfriend, you're spending your time with
her. She starts becoming your de facto girlfriend at that point so be wary of seeing
casual girlfriends on weekends.
2. Money. These days, I spend about 50% of the money on girls that they spend on me. At
times it's a little bit more or a little bit less, but it's about that. This is deserving of a
proper post, but for now let's just say that if you're spending a lot more money on her
than she is on you early on in a relationship, you're putting yourself in a very tight
place, and it isn't negotiable.
Chivalry is great, but keep your chivalry to pulling out chairs or walking on the side of a
girl that's closer to traffic. Trust me, getting a girl to love you because you pay for things
for her is not where you want a relationship that started off healthy to head. The reason I
stick to about 50% is because I want it to be very clear to women that I'm not going to be
their ATM like most guys will be. I want a girl to know, without a shadow of a doubt,
that she's with me for me not for my paycheck.
3. Correspondence. How much should you be in contact with a girl? I very much
recommend less over more. Kill instant messengers if you use these I know a lot of
guys use IM, but trust me, it's is awful for relationships. IM is for the men with nothing
going on in their lives who are able to be constantly available for people (and their girls)
to chat with. Strong men with incredibly busy schedules and a lot going on in their lives
do not have time for IM. At the very least, switch on "Invisible" mode and leave your IM
there pretty much always. You don't need to be perpetually available in fact, it makes
you less attractive to women. You might also notice that the coolest, strongest, busiest
people you know are hardly ever on IM there's a reason for this. You want to be like
those people.
Phone calls: I've almost nuked these altogether from my relationships entirely. If I do
have them, I try to keep them under five minutes where possible, and definitely under ten
minutes. I used to get on 45-minute to hour-long phone calls with girls that was bad for
productivity. If you do do calls, stick to every other day, max. So, maybe you see your
girl on Wednesday, give her a call on Thursday or Friday, and then see her on Saturday.
Then you give her a call again on Monday, and see her again on Wednesday. This
prevents you from getting into the habit of having to "check in" every day, which is a bad
precedent to set.
Texting: be real careful with this. Refer to the post on texting girls for a refresher on
good texting; I primarily use texting to sort logistics these days, and recommend you do
the same. If you use texting like a substitute IM trying to be constantly in contact, build
rapport, share stories, ask about her day, etc. trust me, that's not a productive use of
time. I never do that stuff, and I see the girls I'm lovers with getting texted constantly by
these guys who are hoping to get with them. Me, no constant texting = taking girls to
bed; these other guys, texting constantly = failing to bed girls whom they're unknowingly
texting while said girls are lying in my bed.
Texting all day long is a colossal waste of your time, and not something you want your
girl to start expecting from you. Don't get in this habit with a new girl, and you won't
have to break it later and deal with the fallout when you have more important things to
do than text about how great the sandwich you just had was.
4. Activities. Are you meeting your girl's friends? If so, why? Ask yourself what things
accomplish before you do them, and if they'll help you move things forward and get
closer to your goals. I guess a big problem for many guys is, they don't really have goals,
so that kind of makes it difficult to know what they're shooting for.
Think about it like this: once a girl's friends know you, they're going to talk about you
and ask about you. "How's it going with Will?" they'll ask. "Are you guys getting
serious?" All of a sudden, your girl's getting all this social pressure to start pressuring
you for things. Far better to be a girl's secret lover than have to worry about that stuff.
If you have your own place, have her come to your place to meet you. Then, have some
food, and take her to bed. Even if you really honestly like doing a lot of different
activities, it's better if you start out simple and boring, and she learns to love you for you,
instead of the things that you do together, than if you start out exciting and busy, and
then over time you run out of things to do or get tired of going out all the time, and she
starts to reminisce over how good things used to be and feel like you've gotten boring or
stopped caring about her. Start out very simple and unexciting in your activities; you can
get exciting and interesting down the road if you like, just set the right expectation at the
outset.
5. Intimacy. You should get intimate almost every time you see a girl for the first three
months, and you should be really good in bed with her. The exceptions to this are if she
is on bad behavior or treating you poorly; if/when that happens, you should not give her
intimacy that night. Do not reward bad behavior with good sex; this sends a resoundingly
bad message. You can be intimate with her the morning after; that's still okay. But do not
take her to bed the night of a big flare-up on her part, even after she's apologized.
6. Stability. Make it clear to women that you aren't going to be around long term, and that
you have big plans for your life. Even if you aren't sure exactly what you're going to do
with yourself just yet, just letting girls know you've got big plans and want to make
waves in the world and might not be around forever is a great place to start setting your
expectations. If you're older and you're in a more stable position, it's okay to tell women
you're at the point where you just might not be able to commit to anything super longterm, since you have a number of other obligations in your life.
The point is, you want women to know going into a relationship with you that you might
not always be around. If you can actually leave and not be around from time to time, this
is ideal; I travel at least once every two months for 2 to 3 weeks, and I do this partially so
girls I'm seeing never get too comfortable having me constantly around. If you can do
anything like this, even if it's a little less frequent, it's very good for setting your early
expectations.
Then she's going to say to herself: "Why do I love him? Well, it's because he's a great guy. Oh,
and because he spends so much time with me. And he buys me a lot of stuff. And he texts me a
lot and calls me a lot and we talk a lot on IM. And we do such fun, exciting things together, and
my friends really like him. And even though we don't have sex that much, he still wants to spend
time with me anyway. And he loves me even when I get upset and give him a hard time; in fact,
maybe he even likes it. And he's so stable and reliable and I know he'll always be there for me
and devote himself to me 100%."
Now, if at some point in the future, you slip up on one of those things and aren't able to deliver
everything you started off delivering to her, how do you think that will affect her feelings? Do
you think it will make her love you and appreciate you more or less?
Most men start off giving women the world, then gradually cut back. Most women end up
bitter and jaded because of this. Personally, I'm a big, big believer in promising less and
delivering more. It's how you build real loyalty with people. Most people promise more and
deliver less. That's how you build resentment and disloyalty... no good.
On the other hand, if you manage your expectations properly from the outset, you end up with a
girl who thinks to herself, "Hmm, I love him a lot, but he doesn't spend much time on me, and he
never buys anything for me. He hardly ever texts or calls me, and I never talk to him on IM. All
I ever do is go to his apartment; we never do anything exciting, and my friends don't even know
who he is. Half of what we do together is have sex, and I have to be careful what I say and do
around him because he doesn't give me a free ride when I get angry and dramatic like other guys
do. And for all I know, he might be gone in three months and I'll never see him again. But I'm
still crazy about him anyway. Wow. I must really like him. I must really like him, for him."
Then, as the relationship progresses, you can add in more things if you like. You can see her
more often; you can contact her more; you can do more things with her; you can meet her
friends. Because here's the thing:
How in love a girl feels for you at the outset is going to be exactly the same whether you do
everything for her, or nothing for her.
Because love doesn't come from the things you do for her. It comes from the conversation you
have with her, and the time you share in bed together. Everything else is periphery. But people
don't realize that, and she's going to assign a little of her love to everything you do with
her. So, the more you give her, the less her love will be tied to you, and the more it'll be tied to
what you do for her.
Better to have her love you for you from the outset, and then you can add things as you go and
she only sees the relationship as strengthening, than to do it the normal guy way, of having her
love him for what he does for her from the outset, and then he gradually subtracts things as he
goes and she only sees the relationship as weakening.
When you set things up so that girls get you in a relationship, and nothing else not endless days
of romance, not extravagant gifts and dinners, not hour-long IM sessions, not exciting
adventures, not envious friends, nothing you'll find the relationship is infinitely more pure,
infinitely more real, and infinitely more honest and focused on the two of you together, rather
than the things she can do for you or you can do for her. And really, that's the healthiest kind of
relationship you can possibly have one where you set the right expectations from the
beginning, and gave yourself a ton of room to grow along the way.
Yours,
Chase Amante
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
A reader recently contributed another comment to the article "When Women Test Men." Like
many of the commenters on that article, he balked; "Why should I have to learn how to deal with
women's tests? Women should simply like me for ME, and NEVER test me!"
In one way, I sympathize. It's no fun feeling like other people are putting you under a
microscope, examining you, and that you're being inspected to see if you meet their
requirements.
However, the element of learning how to automatically pass the tests you see from women that's things like:
... is more or less one of the key foundational elements, all boiled down, of learning "game."
And when you're first learning how to deal with tests, they can be hard, and they can be
confusing, and they can make you feel helpless, and they are not a lot of fun.
But, is it perhaps possible to just skip learning how to deal with all these feminine things, and
just screen for and get women who don't act like this?
Can you opt not to learn game... and still find success in mating and in life?
Everywhere you go, everything you do, and everyone you meet is testing you.
Your boss tests you to see how you respond to what he wants and needs.
Your teammates in your sports league test you to see how good you are, and where you
fall in the social hierarchy.
Your friends test you to see how cool you are, and how much of their respect you
deserve.
Your employees test you to see how well you'll take care of them, how much you know
about what you're doing, and to what degree they can get away with things.
Your children, when you have them, test you to find out where the limits are, how well
you're listening to them, and how able they are to use you to get the things they
themselves cannot get.
And women test you, to see how attractive you really are, how strong you really are, and how
secure you really are.
These tests never go away - not from anybody - although they do die down as a relationship
matures.
However, if you start showing new behavior, or signs of weakness, or failing to do something
you used to do, those tests move right back to the fore again.
Likewise, YOU are constantly testing everyone and everything around you... and just like all the
people who are testing you, you're probably not even aware you're doing it.
Is this because you, everyone around you, and everybody else scattered across this globe are
silly, bad people?
Or is something else going on?
My ambition and initiative quickly caught the eyes of my superiors, and I would quickly wind
up in a management position, while those people who started before me would still be in the
same place they were when I arrived.
And when, as a manager, I'd ask them to do some extra cleanup or organizational work, I'd again
often be told they were busy, or that was not their job.
Regardless of whether they were my colleagues or my direct reports, these attitudes always
really got to me. Not always because I needed their help - often I didn't, although sometimes we
would have customers on the hook and they'd just be standing around, maddeningly - but often
because I looked at them, and saw that they could be leading better lives, with more opportunity,
more freedom, more happiness, more personal fulfillment... and instead they just stood around
like rabbits, sipping at cups of coffee, staring off into space, listening to music, and telling
anyone who asked them to get to work that that was not their job.
Whenever I hear anyone throw his hands up and refuse to make himself attractive to
women and learn game to properly interact with women, all I hear is "that's not my job."
The term "game" probably doesn't help anyway. Why should you learn "game" when you don't
want to PLAY games?
Only, much of what you learn game to do is NOT playing games.
The More She Likes and Needs You, the More YOU Need
Game
Ever see an attractive older married couple that clearly still has a strong relationship together?
The woman keeps herself looking good, and has a youthfulness about her that's uncommon in
older women. The man has an impressive air about himself, also youthful, and one of power and
dominance and a bit of humor.
Across the board, you'll notice the woman ball-busting the husband. She's testing him; she's still
playing the game, even though it's 30 years later.
As for him, he responds to her busting his stones with deft maneuvers; sometimes responding
with self-deprecating humor, and other times lobbing a good-natured parry right back her way.
The game goes on. She continues to test him. Those are the tests and games you see in
evidence. There are also the tests that go on behind closed doors - the relationship trials and
tribulations that inevitably arise, when the couple falls on hard times, or the wife starts feeling
bored, or the husband starts acting distant. Drama arises - and then, he deals with it.
He passes the test.
Because somewhere along the way in this game of life, this man figured out how.
He may have learned from a mentor or friend, or, more likely, he figured it out on his own, as
some men do, because he's high on empathy and knows how to tap into what it is women want,
what they're feeling, and what they're really after with him when they start putting pressure on
him one way or another.
And here's the thing with "game" and "tests": the more a woman WANTS you, LIKES
you, and NEEDS you, the more heavily she will test you.
The more dedicatedly she will make you run the gamut.
But why? If she likes you, shouldn't she not test you?
Isn't not testing you the nice thing to do?
What if you don't have game?
Here's the clincher: what I'm calling "game" - this thing you need to pass "tests" - is really
most often just YOU, YOURSELF, fully maximized to be an attractive, powerful,
masculine, dominant man.
And once you have learned game - once you know how to respond to tests - and once you are
fully self-contained as the kind of man whom others respect, admire, or even bow down to... at
that point, you don't even really notice when a woman is testing you.
You don't think about "game."
You are beyond it; you just do what must be done instinctively, and your woman (and anyone
else who sees fit to probe you) is relieved: you are a powerful man.
And that is what women are looking for when they test you. They are asking you: "Are you
REALLY the man I think you are? Before I continue to trust you, to commit to you, to throw my
lot in with you any further - are you REALLY as strong and powerful and masculine as I need
you to be?"
How you respond is how you set women at ease that yes, you really are what you say you are...
or how you freak them out and unnerve them by showing them that there is something very
much amiss in their perception of you, and that your words are not congruent with your
behavior.
If you never take the time to learn game - and if you're not the sort who will naturally figure it
out on your own - you will forever live a life of unhappy squabbles and disappointed women.
That is the damnation reserved for the man who refuses to empathize with women, to learn what
they want, and to take pains to become it: he must necessarily always be what women do not
want.
And really, would you want it any other way? Would you want for yourself a woman who did
not care if she was with a man who was going to waste her time, be weak, and give her weak
offspring? Would you want her to be with you because it was not special, and she was willing to
settle for anyone?
This website and the articles and programs here can help you do that faster, but you don't need
them - all you need is the willingness to learn what it is women want in exchange for giving you
what you want, and the willingness to give it to them.
That's what "game" is. It's just learning how to be an attractive man who gives women what
they want and need - what they really want and need.
And a big part of that is just being aware that women are always going to test you, and you must
know how to deal with these tests.
Once you've learned this, it becomes automatic, and it's no longer difficult, or confusing, or
challenging. In fact, it even becomes fun. You enjoy women testing you, because you know
how to respond in such a way that your woman will be delighted by your reply.
You can sit there and say it's not fair that people who build nice, expensive things want a lot of
money for those things... or you can go learn how to make money and afford to purchase those
things you want.
You can sit there and say it's not fair that men respect only strong, confident, self-reliant men...
or you can go become a strong, confident, self-reliant man, and get respected by other men.
You can sit there and say it's not fair that women test and probe to find out if you are still as
strong as they hoped you were before... or you can go learn game and learn how to deal with
these tests so you never have to worry about it again, and your women are always happy and
smiling and thrilled to be with you.
The world's a really dark, difficult place for those dim, closed-minded souls determined not to
change to give to those they want things from the things those others want. They are forever
chasing after wisps they can never have, because they refuse to be or give what is required. They
want only to take what they want, and give what they want; other people's wants and needs not
considered.
But for those bright, shining souls whose minds are open to the learning of whatever must be
learned to attain that which they desire to attain, the world is a place of inspiring, limitless
choice, bounded only by the drive of the individual to learn how to do what must be done and
the will to become what must be become.
I know which one I want to be.
I hope you do too.
Let's leave the sidelines for the spectators, and get out there and play the "game."
Yours,
Chase Amante
by Chase Amante
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Women nearly universally display a social behavior with men they like that's often referred to as
"testing." Testing is what women do when they're looking to see if a man is strong and
congruent with himself; in other words, if he really is all the man he's presenting himself to be.
Asking a man to do something for her, or teasing him with sexual suggestions to see if he jumps
at the opportunity or gets overexcited, or dropping hints with regards to her own promiscuity or
relationship status to see if he gets defeated and walks away all those are "tests," and there are
many other varieties.
Testing often gets a bad rap with men. It gets called annoying, frustrating, or petty but still, all
but the absolute most innocent, trusting, inexperienced women the ones who don't know men
any better yet do it. But why do women test men, and how do you act in testing situations?
That's the subject of this post: what to do when women test you.
Playfulness
Frustration
Disgust
Dismissal
All, stated otherwise, "borderline" emotions. Emotions she feels when she's on the fence about a
guy and not dead-set on going to bed with him or, conversely, on counting him out as a sexual
option altogether.
If a woman is testing a man playfully, it's because she's interested, but not yet convinced. She's
enjoying spending time with him, but doesn't take him fully seriously yet (that doesn't mean she
won't later). Her sentiment is basically, "This guy is cute. I wonder if he's the real deal..."
If a woman's testing a man in frustration, disgust, or dismissal, she's in one of a variety of stages
of auto-rejection and is, by testing him, throwing him a lifeline at redemption. Her sentiment is
basically, "I hope he says or does the right thing in response to this test and makes me change
my mind about him."
Take note that women will not test two specific types of men:
So if you're not being tested, it's because a woman either has written you off entirely as not a
valid option, or she's so entranced and in-love with you that she hasn't a doubt in her mind that
you are the one she wants to be with. An example of the former the guy she's written off
might be a guy she's just friends with in a very platonic way. An example of the latter the guy
she's head-over-heels with might be a guy who's in a local rock band and she knows exactly
what she wants with him a quick fling or one-night stand, for instance and she's fully
committed to getting it.
It's mostly because, until you've been battle-hardened a bit, you won't be prepared to react. All
the martial arts training in the world won't do much to steel you against that first big fight you
end up in; once you have a bunch of men socking you in the face, all those years of training go
out the window and you fall back on pure instinct and defensiveness. It takes repeated exposure
to situations where you're getting physically hit to be able to remain calm and to follow your
training despite the immediacy of the situation. This is every bit as true with meeting women
and riding out tests; even when you know exactly how you ought to respond to a test, early
on you'll often find yourself defaulting to weak or defensive responses regardless.
Don't beat yourself up too much over this; just recognize that you need more exposure and more
time in the field meeting live women and experiencing the things women test men with in real
life to develop the thick skin to it you need to remain calm and composed and follow your
training.
Let's have a look now at some examples of how a collected, self-assured man would reply to the
same tests we used above from women. Facial expressions, body language, and tonality are all
crucial here; a woman's paying even more attention to what you communicate nonverbally than
to what you say verbally when you respond to a test of hers. You want to be a sexy man and be
charming and evocative as you reply so don't just work on the words; work on the delivery,
too.
Scenario One: Drinks
Girl: Will you get me a drink?
Man: Maybe later, if you're good. What brought you out tonight?
Scenario Two: Hand on Her Arm or Leg
Girl: Would you mind not touching me like that? I don't like being touched.
Man: You mean like this? [slapping other hand on her right next to where first one is, and
smiling like he's just about to start laughing; it's a game to him]
Girl: I just don't like it when people I don't know touch me.
Man: [laughs] Okay, party pooper. You want an awkward wall of no-touching between us, fine.
[moves hands] I still might go find a ruler or something to reach out and caress your cheek with
later once you've decided I'm the man of your dreams.
Scenario Three: Resistance
Girl: I can't go sit with you, sorry; I have to stick close to my friends.
Man: Yes you can. Come sit with me; it's just over here. You'll be plenty close to your friends.
opportunities that, when handled properly, you'll see a noticeable spike in attraction and
interest following your handling of them.
So, I won't say "enjoy tests," because while with time you'll come to enjoy them, first you've got
to get through that initial period where they genuinely are a pain to deal with. But, if you put in
the time meeting women and getting to know them, you'll face many a test down the line, and
the more you face, the more you'll come to handle them with confidence and panache. So
maybe, don't enjoy tests... but do try not to mind them too much.
Chase
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 27 January 2011
I intended for this to be a shorter post, since Ive put up a few long ones in a row and I didnt get
much sleep last night as Im still rocking a jet lag (so much for my claims to not be affected by
that its good though, Im waking up early in the morning and cranking on stuff I want to
work on, so my jet lag has actually made me more productive). Well see if Im able to write
something concise this time, just to shake things up a bit and throw everyone a curve ball. A
short article from Chase? Bet you werent expecting that!
Well, so, I touched on reactions a bit in Learning from Reactions: Developing Social
Calibration two months ago (to the day, actually how about that?), where I mostly stressed
how you can use reactions to learn social calibration, but also mentioned that you dont want to
make reactions too much a focus of yours. This post is going to work on explaining why that is.
This is kind of a simple topic, but its one almost no one ever thinks about. Its one of those
things you point out to a guy and you watch his face light up like hes just had a small epiphany.
Thats something of a favorite pastime of mine: looking for those ideas that feel simple and
intuitive but that no one ever stops and considers... then making people stop and consider them.
Back in 2006, when I first met guys in the pick up community aside from the training I took
with the guy Id personally credit as the most talented seducer Ive ever seen, and aside from the
friend and wingman I took on when I moved to Washington, DC after a year and a half of going
out alone and continuing on as I met more and more of them, I noticed them doing
something I found both mystifying, and personally frustrating: they were entertaining
girls.
Theyd approach women high energy, be very playful and fun and lively, and do all the work.
The women would sit back and enjoy as these men labored to display higher value and tell
impressive stories. And the women would laugh and flirt and smile and touch the guys and act
excited. And then, once the theyd done the best job they possibly could and exhausted all of
their fun / interesting / entertaining stuff, the women would drum roll smile, tell them it was
nice meeting them, and then casually walk off.
And then these guysd call it a job well done and go do it to the next girl. They collected tons of
reactions out of women, but women kept walking away, and walking away, and walking away.
Success seemed like a distant goal for these guys, a land they were trying to slowly make
their way towards a little bit at a time.
I tried the entertaining thing very briefly when Id first discovered the pick up community at the
end of 2005. I spent about a month using opinion openers on girls in nightclubs and trying to tell
impressive stories. And they got me a lot of excited girls, but it didnt seem like the right kind of
excitement. I couldnt put my finger on what it was at the time, but these days I can tell you
what it was I was sensing, and what, apparently, a lot of guys new to meeting women dont pick
up on until much later in their seduction careers.
attend or not getting jumped in the wrong part of town. Im convinced most men have a little
voice in the back of their heads telling them not to entertain women, but they rather ignore that
voice and go on ahead with it anyway because they dont consciously realize the error in it or
cant see any alternative.
The problem with reactions is that they feel like success. That girl was flirting with me! a guy
will say. She was playing with her hair like crazy! She couldnt keep her hands off me! She
made out with me in the bar! She was staring at me hard through our entire conversation!
Well sure, yeah, that sounds like a great night.
Whenever I hear a guy saying stuff like this now, though, my instinctive first thought is, Okay,
cool; but, did he shag her? Because if the answer is no, Im willing to bet you that a week
from now, she will totally have forgotten sitting there for an hour starting intently at him
and playing with her hair. She wont remember anything about it.
Now, disclaimer: I dont want to say looking for reactions is bad. There do give you some
indication youre making progress, so theyre not all bad, and especially early on if youre
starting out at a beginners level, you need to look for positive reinforcement like reactions
because itll probably take a little time as you work on your fundamentals before youre able to
reach a point where youre able to start generating results with women regularly.
But the big, overall point I want to make is this: reactions from women do not equal results
with women.
A girl moving with you when you invite her to move with you.
A girl moving to sit somewhere alone with you.
A girl deflecting difficult social situations like pushy friends or needy male suitors
specifically in order to spend more time with you.
A girl joining you one-on-one on a date (as opposed to hanging with you at a bar or a
party or with friends).
A girl coming home with you.
A girl getting intimate with you.
To me, those are results. Going for anything else is distracting you from moving the interaction
ahead.
The problem with those distractions is, though those distractions are what many men go for.
Many men are aiming for getting girls to toss their hair back, or laugh, or touch them on the arm.
Many men are aiming to get women flirting. Many men are aiming to get girls to grind with
them on the dance floor. But that girl whos doing those things is just as likely to walk away
a minute later, because those things alone do not equal commitment to you and the
interaction shes having with you. Those things can very well simply be all in good fun.
Ive seen lots of guys doing showy flash game that gets girls acting hyper and bubbly and
energetic and bouncing excitedly up and down. But Ive rarely seen those guys go home with
those hyper, bubbly, energetic, bouncing girls. Usually, after the girls had her fill of good
feelings, she rejoins her friends and bids a fond farewell to the man who was entertaining her,
thanking him for a fun-filled evening.
He feels as though hes accomplished something, because the girl seemed so happy. Im getting
better and better at this! he thinks to himself. Women love me!
But because hes basing this off of reactions, thats what hes training himself to get: reactions.
So he gets better and better and better at getting girls hyper and bubbly and energetic and
bouncing excitedly up and down. But he doesnt really get all that much better at taking
girls home and sleeping with them, because he isnt training for that.
He isnt training to get results. Hes training to entertain. Hes training to get reactions.
He also isnt being sexy, hes being fun and entertaining, and the two are very different. If
your aim is to get girls flirting with you and be partying with girls and having wild dance-a-thon
types of nights, you should work on being fun and entertaining first and foremost. If your aim is
to take women home and get together with them and become lovers or make them your
girlfriends, you should work on being warm and sexy first and foremost.
It doesnt have to be hard. You really shouldnt have one woman walking away after another
after another like the entertainer guys do once a girls hit her fun quota. Once you start
pushing hard for results and pushing to make things happen, rather than pushing to get reactions,
you start getting farther along in interactions more quickly on a more regular basis. And all it
takes is training yourself to get results.
Whatever it is, you dont want to miss out on a cute gal who digs you simply because you were
too busy looking for reactions to go get results.
All right, well, this post didnt turn out quite as short as Id hoped, but its half the length of the
last one if that counts. Ill close it out on this note: that to be the guy who gets results with
women, you need to be the guy who forges ahead without much concern for reactions.
Reactions are great for training your basic social calibration and basic-level meeting-womenskills; once you hit intermediate and advanced though, you need to drop reactions and
specifically target results. Once you start doing that, youll begin seeing a steady upward trend
in your success with women, and I guarantee once you start seeing that trend, youll heartily
agree that better results with women trump better reactions from women any day of the week.
by Chase Amante
Friday, 25 January 2013
In the article on causes and cures for a moody girlfriend, a reader asks about how to
compliment a girl, saying:
Hi there Chase,
Can you write an article about compliments to girls that [you] are interested in. Not
just from that you approached cold but girls that you met through hobbies or friends. I
tend to like to tell girls aggressive compliments of sexual nature. Like I would think
they are good kissers, they have nice ass or legs, or that I love their bodies and also
other compliments in which is related to personality type because there are 2 opinions
about compliments.
Compliments are a little tricky to get your head around when you first start using them. Go to far
overboard, and you seem like you're chasing her; don't compliment at all, and you run the risk
of that attractive new woman you've met ending up in auto-rejection.
Then, there are the various kinds of compliments... everything from the most subtle compliments
she won't even realize were compliments until she thinks about them later, to those blunt-forcedirect compliments our reader talks about, like telling a girl she's got a great pair of legs.
We'll cover all those and more in this article, your complete guide to complimenting women like
only a pro knows how.
Compliments are strong stuff. If you have any doubt of their efficacy on others, have a look at
these bits of research:
From "When flattery gets you nowhere: Discounting positive feedback as a relationship
maintenance strategy.," on the effects of ignoring compliments by those in relationships already:
potential threats. In the present article, the authors investigate a new strategy: to
discount flattering comments received from an attractive alternative to a dating
partner by making a situational attribution. However, the authors did not expect
everyone to adopt this strategy, as not everyone is likely sufficiently motivated to
override both the tendencies to make dispositional attributions and to accept positive
feedback from others. Dating and single participants were informed that an attractive
alternative's positive impression of them had been made freely or under constraint. As
expected, dating participants in the constraint condition were less likely than were
those in the no-constraint condition to believe that the alternative's impression of them
was genuine. In contrast, single participants believed that the confederate's
impression of them was genuine, irrespective of their experimental condition.
Self-esteem further moderated this effect. As hypothesised, only dating participants
with low self-esteem were sufficiently motivated to recognise the situational
constraint and discount the positive feedback. High self-esteem daters who were
less inclined to discount the positive feedback instead protected their
Persons who are flattered are more likely to assign credibility to and like
Put in layman's terms, flattery and compliments make the flattered feel:
And, perhaps most startling of all, here's the research from "Insincere Flattery Actually Works:
A Dual Attitudes Perspective:"
This research uses a dual attitudes perspective to offer new insights into flattery and
its consequences. The authors show that even when flattery by marketing
agents is accompanied by an obvious ulterior motive that leads targets to
discount the proffered compliments, the initial favorable reaction (the
implicit attitude) continues to coexist with the discounted evaluation (the
explicit attitude). Furthermore, the implicit attitude has more influential
consequences than the explicit attitude, highlighting the possible subtle
impact of flattery even when a person has consciously corrected for it. The
authors also clarify the underlying process by showing how and why the discrepancy
between the implicit and explicit attitudes induced by flattery may be reduced.
Collectively, the findings from this investigation provide implications for both flattery
research and the dual attitudes literature.
In other words,
... which matches the research, assuming the weird awkwardness is low self-esteem women, and
the superiority is high self-esteem.
I've also been on the receiving end of compliments many times while in relationships, and my
attitude is generally this:
Oh! Poor girl. She's single and all alone... wishing she could have a man like me.
Whereas, when I'm single, it's more like this:
Mmm... this girl seems like a pretty sharp cookie. I think I could get along with her. Let's see if
we can't move things forward...
None of this is conscious; it's just an automatic emotional reaction, probably largely based on
what your radar is attuned to in any given situation.
If you're single, you're on the look out for a girl to show interest (or, in women's case, a guy) so
you can zero in and focus on making things happen with this particular person.
If you're attached and not actively looking, or only browsing around less actively, there's a lot
less urgency or need to pick up, and when compliments come you can feel that the other
person has a much stronger need or desire for you than you do for her.
Incidentally, having been on both the receiving and the giving end of insincere flattery (usually
by accident on that last... i.e., walking up to a girl who looks great from behind and launching
into a direct opener, only to have her turn out to be not so spectacularly beautiful from the
front), and while it's never as powerful as genuine, sincere flattery, it does still pack some punch
and almost always elicits a smile.
Furthermore, as we've discussed on here about direct openers before (which, really, are nothing
more than dressed up compliments used to begin a new conversation with a girl you'd like to
meet), direct gives you some of the most polarizing opens you will see... often resulting in
very, very warm receptions to you... much warmer than what you'll get with anything else.
It isn't always the case, but it is enough of the time that direct makes for a stick of attraction
dynamite sitting in your tool belt at the ready for deployment on a moment's notice.
Now, that research is all well and good, but how to do you get down to the nitty and gritty and,
you know, do it? How do you compliment a girl and have it work wonders?
There are four (4) aspects to this you need to know, and they're this:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Complimenting genuinely
Type of compliment used
When to use the compliment
What to do after the compliment
"That's an awesome hat... colors, patterns, everything. Really neat. Complements your
style very, very well."
The first one, you might get a boost of pride, simply for being confident... but it's a little weird.
Can I even see your hair underneath your hat? Yeah, not really.
The second one, you nod your head in agreement and think, "Yeah, I'm cool."
The third one, though... what goes through your head? If you're like most people, it's probably a
bursting of pride and enthusiasm, and you even feel a little sorry that I keep walking and didn't
stop; "That seems like a great guy to get to know," you think to yourself. A potential friend and
ally.
That's the effect of a well-put together genuine compliment.
Option #3 there employs a style of complimenting known as "genuine interest," because you
need to take actual, genuine interest in whatever it is about someone you're complimenting
because you've got to be able to pinpoint details and tell that person why those details are great.
And that's simply very, very difficult to do insincerely.
The process for a genuine interest compliment works something like this:
In addition, there are also a pair of facial expression adjustments you can use to greatly enhance
genuine complimenting, as discussed in greater detail in the post "Genuine Interest Dynamite:"
Squint, wrinkle your nose, and get a small smile going when you deliver the strongest
part of the compliment
Use a slow-spreading smile when you smile, rather than that quick "on-off" light switch
smile most people use in uncomfortable situations
These two additions back up the sincerity of the compliment, and communicate your comfort
and genuineness in delivering it.
Getting good at delivering genuine compliments typically takes practice. You're training
your brain to do a number of little things in quick succession here, such as noticing the tiny
details of something, tying them back in to reflect on the person in question, and then delivering
the compliment in conjunction with the appropriate body language and facial expressions.
Some more examples of genuine interest compliments, just so you've got a feel for them:
"Your hair is gorgeous - that flip is a great look... it's one you never see anywhere except
in old movies, and that's a shame. It really stands out in a very good way."
"I had to come tell you that your sense of style is really well put-together. There's just
something about the way everything about you ties in with everything else that simply
makes it *pop*."
"You know, I just noticed, but you have the most magnetic little smile when you laugh...
it's really quite something. Your lips curl up at the edges in this really cute, charming
way that's just totally unique, and there are dimples, and... wow. It's good."
against the world" type compliments. You'll use these most when you're pursuing a style
of direct, sexual game, and are the person in the lower value position in the interaction.
3. "Us vs. the World" Compliments. These comments tend to rely a lot on timing,
but create a great sense of togetherness and carry a heft punch. Essentially, they're
compliments designed to push away the outside world and create cohesion and unity.
These are very effective in indirect game, when the object is to keep girls guessing
about your level of interest while continually dropping hints and upping the vibe. You
can also use them at times with more direct game, when they're needed or useful.
... and now that you know the types, here's how to compliment a girl with each of these different
styles.
Standard Compliments
Standard compliments are the ones you're most commonly going to use in direct openers, and
they're also the ones you'll use complimenting women in a genuine interest fashion.
They're the most straightforward to use, although, as noted when we discussed genuine interest,
practice makes perfect, and the more you challenge yourself to tease out interesting and
noteworthy details about the women (and men, too!) you meet and compliment them on these,
the better at complimenting sincerely you'll get.
Because we already covered there fairly extensive under complimenting genuinely, I won't
spend time going over them again here, except to say that you can use these compliments
throughout the course of an interaction, and regardless of whether you're taking a direct or an
indirect approach to your conversation and "game," as (done right) they don't necessarily
communicate interest, but rather simply appreciation for the complimented's strong suits.
And of course, when someone knows you know and appreciate her strengths, she appreciates
you, all the more.
Sexual Compliments
You won't use sexual compliments if you're pursuing a strategy of indirect game, and you also
won't use them if a girl considers you sufficiently high in value over her.
Rather, what you use sexual compliments to accomplish is twofold:
1. Positioning yourself firmly in the "lover, not provider" category, and
2. Exciting a girl and readying her for physical intimacy, logically and emotionally
Sexual compliments are used for upping polarization - that is, driving some women away,
while ramping up the excitement levels of others. They're a screening tool, in that way.
Generally speaking, sexual compliments coming from a man a woman perceives as higher in
value than her are a turnoff, and a signal she's failed to accurately assess his value, while
sexy compliments from a man a woman perceives as lower in value than her cause her to
stop and gauge whether she'd be interested in a bedroom romp with him regardless.
That means, you'll tend to use these with girls who are acting like they feel themselves clearly
superior to you, to scare off the ones who aren't interested, and invite the ones who are to sign up
for some no-strings fun.
Sexual compliments look like this:
"Who cares what these other people think? What are they doing with their lives that's so
great?"
"We don't need their approval... they're nobody compared to us."
"[insert group of people] are luck they don't have US in their group... I don't think they'd
be able to handle what we'd be bringing to the table."
Whether you use sexual compliments or "us vs. the world" compliments, both sets create strong
feelings of intimacy, excitement, and togetherness, increase sexual tension, and make a woman a
lot more likely to logically prepare herself for sex as well as emotionally, which reduces last
minute resistance and makes it easier for you to sleep with girls.
The times when you'll most want to compliment a woman are here:
... and the times when you'll least want to compliment a woman are here:
There are caveats to those last four, and if you're very smooth you can violate these rules (e.g., a
girl who's being skeptical, and a guy who holds his finger up, getting her attention and breaking
her out of autopilot, and then delivers a genuine compliment to her that causes her to melt out of
her skepticism), but, generally speaking, unless you're a compliment pro, don't chase women
by complimenting them when they're pulling away or not giving you their full attention.
You'll come across as if you're trying to force the interaction through.
On the first five, the function of the compliment is either to:
Lower her initial walls against you and get her to open up, or
Capitalize on a high point / tension point, and escalate things further
The first one we've covered in some detail already throughout this post and others, but here's an
example of the second (capitalizing on a high point):
Her: ... and that's why I didn't become a vet.
You: [laughs]
Her: [laughs]
You: You really have an amazing sense of personal freedom and self-direction. It's very
refreshing. It's hard to meet people who want to do anything other than office job, white picket
fences with their lives.
Here's another example of that second one, this one on capitalizing on a tension point:
Her: ... and that's why I didn't become a vet.
You: [stare, build tension]
If you complimented her on an opener, immediately introduce yourself after opening and
shift into normal banter or small talk
If you compliment a girl after she does something good or nice, or as a form of
qualifying her while getting to know her or deep diving, go right back into
conversation afterward as if nothing has happened
If you compliment her on a high point, let it sink in and let the tension build - it's a nice
transition from laughter to intimacy
If you use a sexual compliment, maintain eye contact and say nothing else until she
responds. If she doesn't respond for a while but simply maintains eye contact, ask for
some form of compliance (get her phone number, move her, invite her home, etc.)
If you use an "us vs. the world" compliment, let it sink in and don't say anything for a
little while. Resume normal conversation only after a moment
Remember to approach compliments as a skill like anything else - the more you use them, the
better at picking them out and giving them you get.
Best of all... while you learn, you'll be having tremendous fun in the process, too.
So don't let this seem to overwhelming. Instead, just pick your favorite kind of compliment out
of this list, and start practicing.
Before you know it, you'll be an expert at picking out others' strong suits and telling them about
it - and everybody loves having somebody like that around.
Chase Amante
AnonYou can gauge how she feels about your value relative to hers by how much shes trying to
impress you (e.g., a girl who feels superior wont spend much time regaling you with her
success and accomplishments, because shell see no need to), how responsive she is to your
compliance requests/demands and screening/deep diving attempts (e.g., polite refusals / shallow
answers are the hallmarks of disinterest / feeling superior), and body language (e.g., closed,
disinterested body language or reservedness). Ball-busting and challenging is a sign of interest;
girls who arent interested wont waste the time. Its the junior high approach to flirting, but
some women still employ it even when theyre all grown up.
You can certainly turn girls acting superior around, yes, and you see it less and less as your
fundamentals and conversation abilities improve. However, you wont always have time to turn
things around when you find girls acting superior, or you may not always want to. If, say, you
want to pick up a beautiful girl whos surrounded by well-dressed socialite friends, and you
know youre simply not going to be able to break in there and compete because youre not
dressed well enough or not feeling sharp enough or the event or party or club is closing soon,
you can use sexual complimenting to see if you can pull out a win by taking another approach.
Or, if its the end of the night and a girls about to go home and you dont have the time or the
opportunity to get her chasing after you, you can use sexual compliments to see if you can get
her to decide to come home with you for intimacy instead.
What youre seeing with the relieving effect of sexually complimenting women who believed
you higher in value was a relaxing of the social tension as you brought your value down to
below theirs. Instead of them feeling tense as they competed for you, suddenly the tension was
moved off of them and onto you as you began competing for them. Your positions flip, and now
you are the pursuer, and they the pursued.
The reason why this happens with sexual compliments is that this is a form of showing all your
cards. You relinquish control and hand it over to the other person, trying to win their favor and
excite them about you. This works with women who want sex, or are open to it with you, and it
doesnt work with women who dont. You essentially leave off trying to win over a girl, and
instead move onto more or less saying, Here I am if you want me. Come and take me and Ill
give you some great sex, in a more elegant, more convincing way than most men can.
And youre also right on not needing to compliment much. Compliments are another spice you
can add to an interaction, though if youre doing a good job deep diving and chase framing
theyre almost unnecessary the attention shes getting and emotions shes experiencing from
that deep diving and chase framing are compliment enough. Compliments are often strongest
here when first opening and when needing a transition to move things forward (i.e., if theres a
chance shell wonder, Why does he want to spend time with ME?, compliment her first).
Chase
Hey M,
Wow, good memory! I had to do a site search to see where I ever mentioned NeverEnding Story
on here
I dont think music and movie choices hurt you too much with seduction, unless youre listening
to a ton of music where some guys crying about some woman he lost, or youre watching
movies about guys crying about women theyve lost, that sort of thing. Fantasy movies are
usually some powerful guy goes and saves a damsel in distress thats not so bad. If you get an
aura about yourself of powerful man saving lusty women, there are worse auras you could
have!
Look at everything you take in and mark it down as something thats subconsciously affecting
you. Everything that enters in through your senses affects you and impacts your subconscious,
whether you agree with it logically or not. The subconscious is wet clay, and anything thats
pressed into it leaves an impression.
I always make girlfriends watch zombie movies and Lord of the Rings and movies about people
dying in outer space with me, and refuse to watch romantic comedies (unless its, like, a really
awesome romantic comedy, like anything with Kevin Kline in it, for instance). So I wouldnt
worry about that much. If youre watching anime or something though, you might need to start
dating Japanese girls if you want a girlfriend wholl watch that with you... generally speaking,
anything relatively mainstream Hollywood is probably fine.
I dont think personal tastes matter much. You probably will not ever talk about these prior to
sleeping with a girl if you keep conversation focused only on meaningful topics. When movie-
watching time rolls around, simply look for common ground. e.g., I think The Lion King is a
pretty awesome movie, but if Im dating a girl who doesnt like cartoons, we wont watch that.
Instead, well watch The Count of Monte Cristo or something else that pretty much everybodys
going to love.
Note: some people out there are really picky about movies. Ive never dated a girl like this, and
probably wouldnt get along with one, so I dont know what youd do there. Probably just not
watch movies with her if your tastes are totally different and not compatible.
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
and
Girl: [shouting] I can't believe you think that is okay behavior in a relationship! I cannot
BELIEVE it! You are so not the man I thought you were!
Guy: Baby... will you please calm down so we can talk about this?
That first guy came off too strong and seemed to be ignoring the situation. Rather than respond
to the girl, he steamrolled her story (which he should've properly qualified her on) in the rush to
asking for her phone number. The girl's likely to feel this is quite awkward, and will be slightly
less likely to give it to him (though there's still a good chance she will, since he asks on a high
note), and noticeably less likely to respond to a call or a text from him later on when she thinks
back to the awkwardness of his blind aggressiveness (as opposed to the suave aggressiveness
demonstrated by the socially intelligent man who nevertheless moves fast with women).
That second guy though, he came off too weak, cowed as he was by his girlfriend's fury.
To be effective at persuading women to go along with what it is you want, you need to be
able to address them at the same level of energy they're at.
So, the girl who's vibing and connecting with you and is being warm and cooperative will
respond best to you making your offer the same way. And the girl who's angry and vengeful
toward you is, surprised you may be to hear it, going to respond best to the man who's taking a
similar tone with her.
Let's give each of the men from above a do-over, with proper responses this time:
Girl: ... and of course, the canoe ended up tipping over! That's why I say I never want to have
anything to do with water sports! [laughs]
Guy: That's funny. I'm glad I met you. We ought to grab an ice cream or a coffee sometime.
and
Girl: [shouting] I can't believe you think that is okay behavior in a relationship! I cannot
BELIEVE it! You are so not the man I thought you were!
Guy: You know what I can't believe... is that I've got to come home from working my ass off all
day and get hit with this shit! I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and I feel like crap, and then you come
over and want to make me feel more like crap. This is ridiculous. Honestly, I don't have the
space in my life for drama like this; if you want to sit and talk, let's sit and talk; otherwise, I'm
not listening to this. So are we done, or do you want to sit and talk like adults?
Both of those are going to get you much better results than the former responses will.
There's another name for this choosing of the right strength for your offer; it's called "pacing
someone's reality" and it's an old pick up community term. If you've ever heard someone say,
"You have to pace her reality," this is what he was talking about -- it's about keeping the tone of
your conversation and your offers matched to hers. When your tone is too far from her tone,
she feels the disconnect and things feel awkward and disjointed and she's unlikely to
comply.
For maximal effectiveness of your demands and requests, pace her reality and match her tone.
Tip #3: End with the Option You Want Her to Choose
In "The Path of Least Resistance," we talked about the need to make things easy for the
women in your life to increase your success rates. Now, this is a general principle that applies to
everything in life -- customers are more likely to buy from you if you make it easy on them;
guys are more likely to be your friend if you make it easy to be so.
From that post:
Ill give you an example. Say a man and a woman met on the street, then went to a caf and
sat and had a tea and talked for an hour or two and really got to know each other and it turns
out they like each other quite a bit. Now lets say the man realizes he should try to move things
forward, fumbles around a little as he decides how he ought to do that, and finally says, We
should go somewhere.
The woman, still liking the guy but a little confused what he means what hes just said could
mean a lot of different things, really smiles, slightly bemused, and asks him to clarify.
I mean do you want to get out of here? he asks her.
Whats he just done? With that question, hes thrown the ball in her court and forced to make
a decision. Hes put her in the position of being responsible for determining how things move
forward. And hes done it in a way that makes the path of least resistance that of declining his
offer.
That in mind, think back to that very last example I gave about matching the strength of a
woman's conversation and emotional thrust when making your offer. Look at that last closing
line:
So are we done, or do you want to sit and talk like adults?
Now envision it reworded:
So do you want to sit and talk like adults, or are we done?
What the majority of men generally do when they've found a woman they like is try and wait as
long as possible and get as many signs of interest as possible from her before trying to get
investment.
"I should ask her to do this," a guy might be thinking, "but what if she says 'no?' I'll just wait
until I'm more sure she'll say 'yes.'"
And that's understandable. In fairness, over time you develop a gut instinct about what women
are likely to agree to or not, and you largely stop caring whether they will most of the time to
boot, because you know if they won't comply it wasn't going to go anywhere anyway.
But when you don't have that gut instinct yet, it's because you haven't asked enough
women to invest and to follow your lead just yet, which means you need to be doing it a lot
more.
Don't think getting early investment is crucial? I present you two scenarios. In each, a man
meets a girl at a grocery store whom he decides to invite home to cook dinner with him.
investment you're looking for -- because you haven't built up to it. Start getting investment early,
and you avoid a lot of problems later on.
Even fairly late into my seduction career, I still found myself occasionally feeling nervous about
asking a girl out or going to grab her number if I'd built it up too much in my head in advance.
That cute hostess in St. Louis who kept coming over to my table to check on me, and no one else
in the restaurant... when should I ask her for her number?
The stunning girl sitting next to me talking to me the whole flight from San Diego to
Milwaukee... when do I propose we grab some food once we get to town?
After flubbing a few of these, I realized I needed to make spontaneous closing the instant the
thought popped into my head a priority. This is mostly for your own sake; because the more
you build the close up in your head, the more anticipation you're going to feel, and the tougher
it's going to be to pull off (because you're nervous or over-thinking it).
If you have to ask yourself, "When do I ask her to do this...?" the answer is almost always,
"Right now."
by Chase Amante
Sunday, 10 October 2010
Getting investment from women is a crucial element of your success with them. Men who fail to
get investment fail to move things forward with the women in their lives its as simple as that.
Investment is vital.
So what happens when you ask for compliance and get a no? What happens when you say,
Come with me, and she just shakes her head and stays put?
A common response from a lot of guys is they back down; they retreat from their
compliance requests or compliance demands, and forget about it. The following scenario is
typical in a number of guys interactions:
Guy: Come with me, lets go hit the bar.
Girl: I dont feel like it Id rather just stay here.
Guy: OK we can stay.
Then the guy stays there, by the girls side.
Just looking at that interaction, what would you guess was the effect on this womans level of
interest in this cat following this exchange?
Think she became more interested or less so?
Women respond powerfully to dominance. Anyone whos ever dominated a woman in public
and watched her swoon knows what Im talking about. And anyone whos dominated a woman
in the bedroom and listened to her cum really fast knows too. Women find dominance incredibly
attractive incredibly sexy.
And just as they find dominance incredibly compelling, women find a lack of dominance
incredibly disheartening. What could be a bigger damper on a womans attraction toward a
man than recognizing he cant make her want to follow him? Women want men they feel
compelled to be with, to follow, and to give themselves to. They dont want men they dont feel
that way toward. And if she detects herself rejecting a mans efforts to make her follow, shell
quickly decide he isnt the kind of man shes looking for.
So, yeah the answer was less so. A man backing down is a big turn-off; its a surefire way to
pull the rug out from underneath any degree of attraction a girl has for a guy.
Whats the solution to these tough situations, then? Its the Hard Push which, as you may
recall from Dont Let Her Go, is all about persistence. Persistence in refusing to let a woman
refuse you. Persistence in insisting she join you in whatever feat of investment you ask her to
make, no matter how big or small.
Part of this is your own level of calibration, of course if youre asking her to lend you $10,000
and youve just met an hour earlier, unless youre one of the smoothest talkers on Earth theres
no way youre going to pull that off. Youre asking for too much, too soon. So, like anything,
calibration is key.
Beyond that though, you need to use the Hard Push. Insist that a woman comply with your
request or demand. Do so in a nice way, in a way that is almost kind and polite and disarming
you dont want to seem pushy, or youll cause people to recoil in defensiveness. Instead, be
warm and caring and persistent. Persist because you know that if she complies, she will be
benefiting her own life enormously shell be getting closer to having you in it.
In that light, take a look at this example:
Guy: Come with me, lets go hit the bar.
Girl: I dont feel like it Id rather just stay here.
Guy: Come, were going. Lets go.
Then, the girl protests a little more, but relents and goes with him.
Now how would you guess the womans interest level was affected? Down or up?
Dominance or confidence like that is for all intents and purposes an aphrodisiac for women.
And it sets the right precedent the precedent that the man gets what he asks for when it
comes to investment. This will cause others to respect him vastly more, and will limit
challenging by others (and women) down the road.
So when you encounter these trying situations where a woman resists giving you what youve
asked for, dont back down instead, persist in insisting. Its how you show a woman youre
interested, and you know what you want and shell appreciate it very much.
by Chase Amante
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Ah, questions. Those dreaded devices that seem so adept at cornering us into places wed rather
not be. How do you get out of answering the ones you dont want to answer?
I just got asked, by a Chinese girl, if I liked Chinese girls or American girls. I didnt want to say
American girls if I said that, the Chinese girl would feel like I was unattainable to her, and
would shut down on me and pull away. If on the other hand I said I liked Chinese girls, shed
likely feel like I was a little bit too easy and / or I was supplicating to her. Whats the right
answer then?
The right answer is the one that addresses what you want to address. The way to handle these
questions is the same as how its done in politics: to answer not the question youve been
asked, but the question you want to answer.
So how did I respond to the Chinese vs. American question?
by Chase Amante
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Lately, a friend of mine has been bringing up a recently acquired belief that looks are
everything, and everything else is nothing, when it comes to meeting and picking up women.
I've avoided being drawn into the debate as best I can, but any time I mention anything womenrelated, I've been hearing it from him: Oh, I don't even listen to that, because the only thing
that matters is looks.
Disagreeing with him gets one told one is in denial, and he cites a few examples of very good
looking friends of his who get better results with women than anybody else he knows as
evidence that only good looking guys can get good looking girls.
I've refrained from weighing in too much on this until now, because I understand why he's
thinking this way and why he's trying to convince everyone that looks are all that matters. But I
felt like the topic is a good one, and that it'd make for good article fodder and be something
worth addressing here. The topic being:
Do looks matter to women, and if so how much?
And the answer I've got for you here will almost certainly surprise you, no matter which side of
the fence you fell on prior to reading this.
From a young age, I realized that I had a curious deficit: I was unable to tell what was attractive
in anything other than women.
I could tell with girls - I could tell you this girl was pretty, and this girl was not - but I couldn't
tell you that a pit bull was cuter than a border collie, for instance, or that this baby was cuter than
that one.
And I also couldn't tell which men were more attractive than other men.
It applied to myself, too.
Eventually I learned certain features that make some dogs more attractive than others, or some
babies cuter than others. But I've never quite been able to figure it out with men. Every time I
think I've spotted a specific feature that good-looking men all have in common, someone points
me to a man with that feature that they claim is ugly. I'm left flummoxed when it comes to men's
looks.
As such, I've gone through most of my life completely ignorant about men's looks. Fashion
sense and hairstyles I can only discover what looks good by monitoring others' reactions and
trying them out myself and seeing how the reactions I get from women differ.
Growing up, I long heard that women didn't care so much about looks, and as I couldn't see any
difference in attractiveness between men, I assumed that unless a guy was horribly physically
deformed, he was probably about the same as most other guys when it came to looks. The only
men I assumed were VERY attractive were Hollywood movie stars.
But when I heard someone comment that Jim Carrey was pretty ordinary looking when I was
about fifteen years old, it was shocking for me. I'd simply assumed that just as the women in
Hollywood are all more or less at least pretty cute, so must be true of the men. Not so, people
told me. I'd had no idea.
Awesome.
I never spent much time learning from people in the pickup community, simply because it was
hard for me to find men there who were getting the kinds of results I was interested in. I did find
some - and I learned some amazing things from them.
But some of my greatest teachers were these men the guys there called "naturals" - guys who'd
never studied "game," aside from whatever they picked up talking to women themselves, and yet
had slept with hundreds of women and had tremendous amounts of success at young ages.
And there were two things I noticed in common with all of my "natural" friends who were doing
exceptionally well with women:
1. They were all uncommonly good looking, and
2. They all had uncommonly good "game"
Thus, a chicken-and-egg problem emerged: what came first - the good looks, or the good game?
Because, as you no doubt realize, looks and game are both things that can be massively
tweaked.
Try and imagine them without makeup - no lipstick to make their lips look glossy, no mascara to
make their eyelashes look full, no eyeliner to make their eyelids stand out, no foundation to
make their skin look smooth, no plucking of their eyebrows to make their eyebrows look slim
and svelte and sharp.
Imagine them too with their mouths not closed in a pouty look, or not slightly ajar in sexual
poses; their eyelids not half open in sultry expressions. Try and imagine what these girls look
like at work, in business suits, with professional hairstyles, in fluorescent cubicle lighting, in
their gray workspaces.
Would any of them qualify there as "hot"?
Not really, right? They look pretty ordinary, don't they?
The girl on the left... her jawline is a bit too rounded. Her face almost looks fat. The girl in the
middle has a nose that's too pointy, and a sort of shark-like look about her face. The girl on the
right just has unexceptional looks - her cheeks sag a bit, and her nose has somewhat of a bulbous
point.
All of them are cute, at best - and certainly not gorgeous.
They are, you might say, average girls with makeup on and plucked eyebrows and sexy facial
expressions.
But what do you think if you look at them like this?:
That's the face of Florence Colgate, the winner out of 8,000 applicants to a contest that
examined facial proportions to select the most scientifically beautiful female face in the whole of
England.
You may or may not find her personally attractive - I have some friends who say they don't like
her look at all. Personally, it's the perfect look for me - the girlfriend I had at the time this article
came out even had a face nearly identical to Florence's. I sent out the picture of this girl next to
the picture of my girlfriend to all of my friends then and said, wow, look at this, according to
science my gal's at the top of the scientific beauty chart. (bragging rights, I suppose)
If you believe that friend of mine, of course, I can't get a girl like that girlfriend of mine, since
I'm certainly not #1 in the male looks department. And I certainly can't get a girl like that
girlfriend of mine for a one-night stand - even though that was, indeed, exactly how I got her.
Apparently, I'm making the impossible possible. But am I really doing anything exceptional?
More on that in just a moment - let's keep talking about playing with looks.
Back to Florence Colgate.
Now here's Florence - that same girl who won the most
beautiful face contest - at her day job:
Not quite the same stunning features as in the first picture,
right?
Almost hard to believe they're even the same person, isn't
it?
The point I want to make here with these images is this:
physical attractiveness is about a great deal more than
just your raw set of genes.
Yes, there are limitations. Steve Buscemi is never going to look like Fabio, no matter how hard
he tries.
And there is something to symmetry and jaw structure - we're going to look at some of the
science on these below.
But, after studying women's attractiveness quite extensively, I can tell you that what I've found
on this is a lot more similar to what I thought the case was before I ever really became all that
aware of looks.
That is to say, that unless you're incredibly, unbelievably ugly, with the right hairstyle,
fashion, attention to your face and body, and use of facial expressions, you can make
yourself just about as attractive as you care to make yourself.
Even if looks matter... looks are pliable.
Your 10 is Not a 10
I noticed something a long time ago, when I first started paying attention to the pickup
community.
The guys who rated girls' looks on a 1 to 10 scale NEVER got their "10s." I talked about this
back in 2009 in "How to Get Perfect "10" Girls": the very first point of that article was this stop rating girls on a 1 to 10 scale! So long as she's a "10" for you, you will never get her.
Never. She's out of your league.
You place yourself in a hierarchy of looks when you use a 1 to 10 scale. I struggled more with
beautiful women in the brief amount of time I adopted a 1 to 10 scale for rating women's looks
than at any time before or since. It's hierarchical thinking, and there are always people "above"
you and "below" you.
If she's below you on the looks scale, you expect her to work to get you, and get angry if she
gives you more resistance than you think she should. After all, you're better looking than her,
and thus higher value. According to you, anyway... never mind the fact that this is a 100%
subjective valuation.
If she's above you on the looks scale, however, you subconsciously place her on a pedestal, and
you act differently around her, put an inordinate amount of pressure on her, and you treat her
differently than you do other girls.
She may or may not think she's better looking than you. But she can absolutely tell if you think
she's better looking - and thus higher value - than you are.
When you do it this way, there are two ways you treat women: there's how you treat really HOT
girls... and how you treat all the rest.
When I moved to Southern California in mid 2007, the women were more attractive than what I
was used to, and I struggled for a little while to get up to speed. The first thing I did was throw
out the point scale. The next thing I did was to train myself to stop consciously assessing
women's beauty AT ALL, and to simply just go for whatever girls I found most attractive.
The transition was gradual and largely unnoticed, and I hadn't even noticed this working until
one day, at a social event in early 2009, after I'd been talking to this girl who really liked me for
a little while, I suddenly realized, holy crap, this girl is absolutely breathtakingly GORGEOUS!
I hadn't even noticed it. She had a perfect face, a perfect body, the slinkiest, most seductive
bright red dress you've ever seen, and was probably the most beautiful woman I'd seen in
months, and I was going out meeting loads of new women regularly.
I hadn't even realized it.
And the moment I did realize it, I started valuing her more highly, I started treating her a
little differently, and all the attention and attraction she'd been giving to me before dried
up... and she moved on to go talk with (and flirt with) someone else.
Someone, most likely, who was more immune to her beauty than I, at the time, was.
This boggled my mind, because as much as I thought there was more to it than looks, I assumed
that if a girl CONSIDERED a guy to be "really hot," that would mean she'd want him more than
another guy she didn't think of that way.
Right?
Was there more to it then, than whom a girl found most physically attractive?
In late 2009, I spent a month and a half in Hollywood. I wasn't trying to become a star - earlier
I'd spent some time up in L.A. auditioning for various movie roles, but I came up short on all of
them.
Maybe I wasn't good-looking enough.
This time, I was there for work - I was on a project for the company I worked for, training
various government agencies in Los Angeles on how to use a new piece of software they were
adopting (that I myself hardly knew how to use - talk about learning on the job).
While I was there, though, I took the time to grab some meals and spend time with a friend and
mentor of mine, from whom I'd learned a great deal about meeting women.
As was customary when spending time with one of my mentors, I made a point not to ever ask
questions about girls or dating - men who teach this for a living get tired of talking about it, and
tired of being in the teacher role. I didn't want to be seen as just another needy student - I wanted
to be a friend and equal. So, I focused on providing good conversation, finding great places for
us to enjoy a good meal at (that I could put on my corporate expense account), and trusted that,
as usual, I'd soak up knowledge just by being in my friend's presence and watching him do what
he did.
One night we were out at a nightclub, just sitting and talking. Multiple groups of women stopped
by to try and engage us in conversation, and eventually he pulled one of them in to start talking
to them. This usually didn't happen much to me - most girls waited for me to do the approaching
when I was out alone, or with another of my friends. And this friend wasn't better looking than I
was - in fact, he was less attractive than me.
Another night, we sat talking in a nightclub the whole night, never talking to anyone. As we left
at closing time, he peeled off and opened a pair of beautiful girls in stunning dresses walking
down the street. I'd been picking up in nightclubs for years, but I'd never done nighttime street
game before. The girls were cold to us at first, but I hung back and let him work his magic.
Every time they tried to walk away, he'd gently but firmly insist that they'd stay, and stay they
would.
Within a minute or so, we were walking together; a few more minutes and they were agreeing to
come with us to an after party. 15 minutes later we were all in a car on the way there. Not long
after we got back to his apartment - no after party in sight - he was having multiple rounds of sex
with his girl in his bedroom, while I tried to figure out what to do with a beautiful girl I had no
connection with in a situation I wasn't used to being in (very fast, zero connection pulls).
I had a lot to learn, I realized.
So, over the next few months, I focused on doing almost nothing but nighttime street game. I'd
go out, hit the streets, and take girls home minutes after meeting them. It was surprisingly easy...
much more than I thought it was, prior to watching my friend and prior to trying it myself.
And the surprising ease of pulling even gorgeous girls off the street at night made it clearer to
me than ever before that there's a lot more going on with quick pickups than just looks.
Do Looks Matter?
That friend who's hung up on looks is right, to an extent - looks do matter.
But how much do they matter?
My friend and I have clashing beliefs and clashing experiences here - I
know lots of good looking guys sleeping with lots of girls, but none I
know of who are getting lots of really beautiful girls. My friend contends
that the only men he knows getting really beautiful girls are very good
looking guys.
The problem with relying on anecdotal reporting is that it's rife with small sample sizes and
confirmation bias - in other words, you find what you're looking for.
When you're convinced that everyone drives Toyota Camrys, all you see on the road are
Camrys. When you're convinced that everybody drives Honda Civics, all you notice are Civics.
Likewise, I notice LOTS of supposedly good-looking guys, and guys with gigantic muscles, and
guys who carry themselves well and look powerful and clean-cut, with girls I wouldn't touch
with a 10-foot pole. And I also see loads of beautiful women with men who even I can tell are
unattractive. But I'm looking for these kinds of couples. My friend is the other way - he only
sees beautiful women with handsome men.
Most likely, we're both only seeing what we want to see.
The most balanced research I could find on the topic of physical attractiveness and sexual
desirability was a series of meta-analyses of five (5) different studies on the role physical
attractiveness plays in mate selection published in the Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology in 1990 under the name "Gender differences in effects of physical attractiveness on
romantic attraction: A comparison across five research paradigms." Here's the abstract:
men place greater value on physical attractiveness than do women. Thus, metaanalyses were conducted of findings from 5 research paradigms that have examined
the hypothesis: (1) questionnaire studies, (2) analyses of lonely hearts advertisements,
(3) studies that correlate attractiveness with opposite sex popularity, (4) studies that
correlate attractiveness with liking by a dyadic interaction partner, and (5)
experiments that manipulate the attractiveness and similarity of an opposite sex
stranger. The anticipated sex difference emerged in all 5 meta-analyses,
although it was larger in research that examined self-reports than in
research that examined social behavior.
So, the findings here are that women's looks are more important to men than men's looks are to
women, but that the difference between these two is greater in self-reported (i.e., what people
THINK they want) results than in examined (i.e., what people ACTUALLY want) results.
Which... is vaguely confusing. How big of a difference is there, then? If the difference isn't that
big, maybe looks actually are nearly as important to women as they are to men.
Going into the research further produces more fruitful, though not completely elucidating,
findings:
There were three major findings from the cross-domain comparison of effect sizes for
sex differences. First, the hypothesis that more men than women value
attractiveness received some support from all five research paradigms.
Second, the effect sizes were appreciably larger in the paradigms that examined selfreports of partner preferences (questionnaires and personal ads) than in paradigms
that examined behavior (dyadic interactions, the attractivenesspopularity
relationship, and bogus stranger liking). Finally, although romantic popularity (e.g.,
dating frequency) was, as predicted, more strongly associated with physical
attractiveness for women than for men, platonic popularity with the opposite sex (e.g.,
number of opposite-sex friends) was more strongly correlated with attractiveness for
men, and this difference in gender effects was the source of contradictions in the
literature. Related to this finding, meta-analysis has also found physical
attractiveness is correlated with same-sex popularity for men but not for women
(Feingold, 1990), and that matching for attractiveness among same-sex friends occurs
for men but not for women (Feingold, 1988). Thus, it is only with respect to
romantic attraction that women's physical attractiveness seems to have
stronger effects on social behavior than men's physical attractiveness.
... which is why you'll see groups of girls that have pretty girls and ugly girls together, but
groups of guys usually have men of approximately the same attractiveness levels, and it's why
you'll see women wanting to be friends with the hottest guys around.
When it comes to selecting for mates, however, the role of men's physical attractiveness is
present, but not so clear cut.
Dominance is a key feature on which romantic partners are evaluated, yet there is no
clear consensus on its definition. In Study 1 (N = 305), the authors developed scales to
measure three putatively distinct dimensions of dominance: social, financial, and
physical. In Study 2 (N = 308), the authors used their scales in a mateselection paradigm and found that women perceived physical dominance
to be related to both attractiveness and social dominance. For both sexes,
attractiveness predicted desirability for a one-night stand, whereas
attractiveness and agreeableness were predictors of desirability for a serious
relationship. In Study 3 (N = 124), the authors surveyed romantic partners in
monogamous relationships and found that although aspects of a partners
dominancefinancial for women and social for menplayed a bivariate role in
relationship satisfaction, agreeableness was the strongest predictor of current and
future relationship satisfaction and the only significant predictor of relationship
dissolution.
This one has lots of interesting points for relationships as well, which we might come back to in
a subsequent article, but for now we're mostly talking about hooking up with and picking up
girls.
Don't be confused by the use of the word "attractiveness" here - the study isn't talking about
physical attractiveness, but rather what qualities women look for in men they want to sleep with.
In this case, dominance plays a very large role. That is to say, perceived physical dominance
impacts attractiveness, which predicts desirability for a one-night stand.
The more physically dominant you appear, the more one-night stand worthy you become.
Just what constitutes "perceived physical dominance," you might ask?
This:
Muscles
Movement speed (slowness)
Effort levels (obeying the Law of Least Effort and using sprezzatura)
Powerful body language that takes up space
A powerful, sexy walk that exudes confidence
A deep, resonant voice
The researchers here found that throwing money around actually does work in making you a
more attractive one-night stand candidate.
Which I've seen from experience - I've watched guys in VIP with bottle service outcompete
better-looking men with equivalent levels of game for women in nightclubs. Hard to say if
conspicuous consumption always beats looks hands down, but it's certainly a toss up.
For my money though, dominance is what rules the coop.
Of course, that last is anecdotal... my experience has been that, the more dominant I've appeared
and the more dominant I've behaved, the greater my success with women has become, and the
higher the caliber of women I've been able to get has gotten.
There's also the case of mate poaching, discussed in the article on preselection; the research on
that indicates that single women are much more interested in men already having success with
women than men who aren't.
Ultimately, all in all, whether we're talking one-night stands or long-term relationships, there's a
great deal more at play than just what your face looks like.
To me, the keys to being outstanding hookup material - even for very beautiful girls - have long
boiled down to these points:
1. Look as good as you possibly can. Just like the "10s" you see in nightclubs are
usually just somewhat cute or even average girls with exceptional hair, clothes, makeup,
and sexy facial expressions and command of their bodies and vibes, you can do this too.
Get your fashion sense handled; get your body handled; get your hairstyle and facial
hair and facial expression down cold. Look edgy and look good. If you aren't killing it in
every one of these departments, you don't get to talk about looks.
2. Become very noticeably physically dominant. That means sprezzatura; that
means you look effortless in everything you do. Watching your movement is like
watching a piece of art. That means slowness, gracefulness, and power. That means you
command attention with the slightest gesture. That means you command women and tell
them what to do and they listen. That means you can open women you've never spoken
to before with things like, "Hello there... would you come here for a moment?" and
immediately have them sucked in and flirting with you and attracted to you.
3. Quit placing yourself in a looks hierarchy. If you're rating girls on a 1 to 10
scale, knock it off. Trust me on this one - you're placing a cap on the level of
attractiveness you can get in women by messing yourself up because you've placed
certain women as "above you" in looks. Try it for a year, then take a few moments to
compare the looks of the women you've gotten in the past year to the looks of the women
you got in the past when you used to use a 1 to 10 scale - I guarantee you you'll find you
got significantly more beautiful women after abandoning the scale than you did before. If
you think a girl is superior to you, you cannot get her. Case closed.
4. Get preselection. This must look natural, and it must look like the girls are chasing
you and you're fending them off, for best results. If you get this one going on though, it
makes everything else easier.
5. If you can afford it, conspicuously consume. I've only played around with this a
few times - I'm not rich, unfortunately. But when I have - when I've, say, gone out with
investment banker friends and we've bought bottles of champagne and started pouring
drinks for random girls walking around - I've had some of the fastest pickups of my life.
6. Get out of boyfriend territory. I haven't seen the research on this one, but I don't
even need to; it's been so central to my success upgrading my effectiveness with women.
If you want to read more on this, see "Telling Women You're NOT Boyfriend
Material."
Looks get you in the door. Dominance gets you in further, or sometimes supplants looks
altogether - that friend of mine I mentioned who I picked up girls off the street with in L.A. uses
very firm dominance to succeed with women far more beautiful than he is handsome despite his
lack of "looks" (he does have great fashion and attractive facial hair and hair styles, however).
And the more I've added getting more and more compliance and investment into my game,
the stronger and better and faster and more consistent results I've gotten, and with more
and more beautiful women.
To make things easier on yourself getting in the door with a warm reception, up your looks. To
close better, up your dominance.
The "naturals" I know who do the best with women aren't just pretty faces and nothing else.
They're handsome, yes... but they also have far better game than any pick up artist I've ever met.
The reason why? More time in field.
More experience.
More practice, to hone their vibes, get more comfortable, more smooth... more natural.
To develop sharper wits.
To become more unshakeable, and more undaunted.
To experience more crazy wild unusual scenarios with women, and be more prepared for
anything.
Their looks do give them a bit of an edge, yes.
But what's really doing it is the snowball effect.
If you want to look at a difference between you and a good-looking guy you know who's getting
crazy results with women, don't spend so much time focused on his looks.
Instead, focus on his experience. I can almost guarantee you'll find all your answers there.
Looks do matter.
But so do a lot of things.
Don't be so busy trying to find a way to explain why you aren't getting the girls you want that
you never stop and find a way to GET the girls you want.
There's more than one way to skin a cat - and in this post alone, you've got a whole lot of
different ways.
So... not getting the girls you want?
TomThat's tough, mainly because of what we discussed in "How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll
Ever Need." At some point, a girl's going to start seeing some guy, and usually, at that point, she
loses interest in most of the other men who were chasing her... they look a little weak.
The best way I've found to maintain attraction over the long-term with a girl you're not sleeping
with is:
Be exceptionally engaging
Have an outstanding but under-the-radar sense of humor
Don't be too available and let her do all the chasing / initiating
The men who are still putting effort into her while she's with other men she loses interest in very
fast. But the men she doesn't talk to for 3 months or 4 months or 6 months, and then they trade a
couple of good emails or go out and get drinks, this can still work.
In a social situation where you're around her frequently, you must keep her at the periphery of
your social circle if you're not going to sleep with her any time very soon (see: "The Secret to
Hooking Up with Friends"). If you let her get too close to you, and you don't sleep with her soon
after, it very quickly drops into the friend zone, where it will probably not come back out from.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Friday, 26 April 2013
BrianI'm with Wallflower on this one. It sounds like everybody else here is fine with doing these
things (e.g., the girl, your pal) - so, the question comes down to what do you want?
I don't do casual relationships anymore personally - haven't done them since I first got into
actively meeting women, back in 2006. The most I'll see a girl I don't want as a girlfriend is
twice. There are a bunch of reasons for that, but probably the biggest one is that you become like
the people you spend time around. If she's not high caliber enough for me to make her a
girlfriend, I probably don't want to be picking up too much influence from her (plus, I'd rather
use my sex drive to meet new girls than spend it on seeing the same non-girlfriend caliber girl).
But I want different things and think about things a little differently than most folks.
My buddies who enjoy MMF threesomes have mixed opinions on getting into casual
relationships with the girls they have them with - some write them off as girls they wouldn't
keep seeing under any circumstance, while others are fine with it. One word of caution, though:
one of my wildest wild guy friends had a girl he was seeing casually that he double-teamed with
his roommate a couple of times, and eventually he started getting more serious with the girl and
stopped seeing other girls because he got comfortable and complacent with her. One night when
she was out drunk, she ended up sleeping with his roommate again, and he found out later. He
confided in me that this actually hurt him a good deal, and he was surprised that it would, since
he'd encouraged her to do the MMF threesome with the roommate in the first place (surprised
me too; I really thought dude had zero emotions toward women!). But I guess her doing it with
him was one thing; her doing it without him was something else.
Just something to be aware of before you start seeing her - precedent is important in all
relationships, and if you set a precedent of crazy wild sex, that's the precedent she's going to
maintain with you even if your emotions change later, as they sometimes do with casual
relationships that go on longer.
Posted by Chase Amante on Friday, 26 April 2013
BrianYes... if you give a mouse a cookie, then he'll want a glass of milk.
The kind of girls I date go their entire lives getting their ways from everyone. They're used to
commanding men and having men do whatever they want. If you're anything other than very
low tolerance for drama, it becomes a shit show very quickly. They're fun to be around, and
educational, but you can't give them that inch or they start walking all over you.
It helps once you really internalize the fact that people are who they are, and you aren't going to
change them. Most guys seem to have this attitude of, "Okay, well, I'll just let her get away with
it this time, and then she'll change and it'll never happen again!" The correct attitude is, "This is
who she is and what she does. All I'm going to do is tell her she's going to cut it out or she's
going to leave. So she's either going to change it - because she knows I won't tolerate it - or she's
not going to change it, and she'll leave. And then I'll go find a girl who doesn't have this
problem."
On cheating - I see that as a line that's crossed where how she thinks about you changes
permanently, and cannot be undone. She's always going to be at least mildly undermining you,
and she's always going to be a trust risk and a distraction - instead of you worrying about other
important things, you've now got to be monitoring her constantly and tracking what she's up to if
you care even one iota about fidelity (if you legitimately don't - and I haven't met anyone like
this, but he might be out there - it may be a different story). There are SO many gorgeous,
brilliant, amazing women in the world who HAVEN'T ever cheated on a partner and are
disinclined to do so... I can't find any argument for staying with a woman this has happened
with, other than that the guy just isn't that good with women and she's a far better catch than
what he could otherwise get (in that case, sometimes it makes sense; e.g., that family member of
yours, if the wife is, say, 40% better than the best he can possibly get other than her, it may
make sense for him to stay with her just to have a couple of kids with her even if he has to raise
some other men's kids too - biologically, he still gets to reproduce with a girl way outside his
league, so he still "wins," biologically speaking).
This also comes with experience - the first strong-willed woman I dated I was constantly
standing there with my mouth agape thinking/feeling like, "What do I do?" And the first time I
had a situation where a girl I'd been seeing had been seeing another guy too without telling me,
my emotions basically paralyzed - logic was saying, "You know what you need to do," while
emotions were saying, "No! Cannot lose her!" That kicked off my absolute abundance kick - I
realized the emotions don't quiet until you know for a fact you can easily replace even the most
amazing girlfriend. Once you know THAT, you can behave calmly and rationally, and command
the respect and behavior from women you want. Until you're there though, your emotions will
always sabotage you, to give you a chance at reproducing with a woman you might not be able
to replace (like that family member you mentioned).
Chase
Being Natural
Posted by Chase Amante on Friday, 26 April 2013
BallaWell, *I* think naturals are better to learn from, because I'm very good at breaking down what
works for other people, figuring out why it works, and teaching it to myself and imitating it and
iterating it. Most guys I've talked to in the pickup community consider men who are naturally
good with women to have nothing to offer them, because they need someone to explain it to
them, and the guy who's naturally good can't do that. He doesn't know how he gets girls, exactly;
he just knows he talks to them a little, jokes with a little, and then suddenly BOOM! they're
having sex.
I also put no faith in what people tell me themselves. My assumption is, most people are falseascribing their success and thinking that one thing is causing success when it's actually
something completely different. e.g., I've known naturals who'd tell you it was their muscles or
their looks that got them laid, but they had the tightest verbal game I'd ever seen, and there were
plenty of other guys who looked like them and/or had their physiques and weren't getting
anywhere near their results. Clearly looks and muscles help, but there's more there to it that they
aren't even aware makes a difference. Because most people ascribe their success to the wrong
things, if you're only listening to their words and not watching the complete process of what
they're doing, you'll end up being misled.
Being natural just comes from getting enough experience with women. Everyone starts off
learning things bit by bit (even guys who seem naturally good); with enough experience you
start reaching a point where you don't even understand much of what you're doing. Many of the
things I've written on this site were not things I learned consciously first; rather, I started doing
them, and then sat down and broke down what I was doing later to teach guys I was mentoring
or instructing. Deep diving was like that; I just figured out a way to talk to girls that I found
worked well for me, and the only thing I could tell you about it at first was, "Just keep her
talking and get her talking about emotions and stuff. Talk as little as possible. Then she starts
feeling really connected to you and you invite her home and you guys have sex." But guys
would look at me and say, "How do I do THAT?" and I had to sit down and show it to them, and
eventually I figured out how to describe it in greater detail.
Sleeping with all types of women no matter how they look: that's really tough to answer because
I don't know what your standards are like right now and what your success rates and experience
rates are like. I will say this: I don't know any really prolific guys who ONLY sleep with
gorgeous women. I've met lots of prolific guys who CLAIM they only sleep with gorgeous
women... and then you see pictures of the women they sleep with and they're actually all over
the map. What happens though is as you rack up more experience, your standards change. There
are lots of girls I'd consider "okay" or "cute" now because they have a good enough body and a
passable face that I'd have considered below my standards many years ago... the main reason
why is, when you're relatively inexperienced, your thinking is, "Well, if this girl and I hit it off,
she might become my girlfriend, but is this a girl I really want as a girlfriend? Hmm... well... I
don't know... I don't think she's quite cute enough," but, as you get more and more experience,
your thinking is, "I'm just going to have sex with this girl once - so let's enjoy it - she's cute
enough for that!" Essentially, you stop assessing every girl as a potential girlfriend, and instead
assess them simply as short-term flings (meanwhile, you retain your old standards for assessing
potential girlfriends).
Anyway, it's a deep topic - I'll put it in the article queue for a more in-depth treatment.
Chase
AnonkI haven't seen the research on women being smarter than men meaning more stable relationships,
but it wouldn't surprise me.
Looks and intellect are two variables that are somewhat correlated, but not completely 1:1
related. I've met plenty of brilliant women who are ugly as sin, and plenty of beautiful women
dumb as a rock. On average, though, beauty and brains tend to be positively related.
If the research is correct, though, and a relationship where the woman's more attractive than the
man is stabler, and a relationship where the woman's more intelligent than the man is stabler,
then you'd expect a woman in a relationship with a man she's more intelligent and more
attractive than to have a stabler relationship, where the man is happier to be with her. The
woman's also more likely to be in control, I'd guess, though control falls most commonly to the
partner with the greater social and romantic experience - so I can still envision a scenario where
she's smarter and prettier than he is, but he's more experienced, and hence in control of the
relationship.
Chase
ted by Chase Amante on Friday, 26 April 2013
NeoPrinceIndeed. A sense of humor is important, but most men take it too far. Even if you were ugly
(which you know now you aren't), you'd want intensity and edge more than humor alone - like
Mae West (of King Kong fame) has said, A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if
he has fire, women will like him.
The points on sincerity look solid. Only one I might revise as you get this down even better is
instead of saying things proudly, move to more matter-of-fact. People have an even harder time
challenging something said sincerely and matter-of-factly (because the intimation is, "Well, of
COURSE it's this way, duh!") than they do challenging something said sincerely and proudly.
Chase
NickAh, that sucks. Yeah, with that one, when your friends are trying to cram into the taxi you've got
to put your foot down - "Sorry bros, we're just grabbing this one the two of us. I'll catch you
fellas next time!" and shut the door. They'll feel awkward, but you WANT people to feel
awkward when they're being awkward... it's the only way they learn to cut it out.
When you find yourself in a situation where your buddies are saying you're hooking up with
some girl or whatnot, call them out on it: "Do you mind? I'm trying to have a conversation here,"
and, again, try to make them feel as awkward as possible. Once it's happened though, you're
fighting an uphill battle - not only does the girl feel unconscious, but your friends have
inadvertently painted you with negative preselection... if you got laid a lot around them, they'd
be used to it and wouldn't say anything. It's an attraction killer.
Best thing to do here is as soon as the girl leaves, tell your friends that if they ever cockblock
you again like that, you're going to cut their tongues out and eat them for lunch. They'll say,
"Geez!" but then the seriousness of what they've just done will sink in and they won't do it again
(or else, you'll just get new friends who are used to getting girls and don't behave like middle
schoolers around the opposite sex).
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Monday, 29 April 2013
PeteDepends on whether you're looking for natural beauty or made up "hotness." I find that generally
the hottest girls are not the most beautiful girls... e.g., the girls who are the best at making
themselves have that "wow" factor and have really dove into mastering hair and makeup and
nails and clothes aren't the most beautiful girls without all that, but rather usually somewhat cute
but put in the effort perfecting their appearance as a means to upgrade the caliber of man they
can get. I spent a fair bit of time training myself to ignore hotness and assess a woman's
attractiveness purely on facial features plus body shape... it's hard. Your biology doesn't want to
listen. But fashion you can teach or encourage. Hairstyles you can train. A prettier face or a
larger bust size, however... nothing you can do about those except pick a girl who's got what you
want even when you wake up the next morning and her clothes are on the floor and makeup's on
the pillow instead of her face.
You'll also find that "hot" girls usually have personality flaws that make them somewhat
undesirable as companions. Those are the ones you'll see become "ball-breaking princesses";
they get drunk on the power their learned looks give them and don't know how to handle it.
There's also a self-esteem part to it; they tend to have grown up being subpar in looks, and
always carry a chip on their shoulder around trying to prove themselves and their power and
beauty.
Girls who are naturally beautiful on the other hand are tough in relationships, but they're usually
often fairly stable mentally. For me, that's the ideal, tough + stable - girls who are too soft do not
do very well in relationships with me, and girls who are too unstable crack very early on and are
far more drama than they're worth.
I also select for education in girlfriends - I won't date a girl who doesn't have a master's degree
or isn't in the process of getting one. A one-two punch of "must be naturally beautiful, and must
have or be getting her master's" allows me to screen out all of the softer / less ambitious girls,
and most of the loonies.
It depends a lot on a guy's disposition though - if you're more affectionate naturally, a tougher
woman isn't going to cut it - it'll be too hard getting what you want from her and you'll always
feel like you're chasing something you can't quite get.
If you're more like me and you're usually more occupied with whatever projects or endeavors
you have going on, to the point of ignoring the people around you, then you need a toughminded woman who's going to fight to get more time with you... the ones who don't do that end
up sitting in a corner somewhere weeping over how neglected they are.
by Chase Amante
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Whether you're working your way through college or a master's program or you're taking adult
education classes on the side in another language or a new skill you'd like to get down, you've
probably run into girls in class you liked at some point or another.
Heck, maybe even in most of the classes you've taken you've run into a few!
And if you have, you've probably also run into the scenario common to most guys who've had
cute girls in their classes:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
You can easily spend one semester after another doing this, always feeling like girls like
you, and never getting anywhere with them. And that's frustrating.
If you've ever sat there admiring some beautiful girl in class, then never made a move, you know
what I'm talking about. She made class a lot more interesting and exciting to attend... but that
was about it. Wouldn't it be great if you could actually meet these pretty girls in class and date
them?
A lot of the advice out there centers on getting you flirting with girls in class... eye contact,
teasing, and all that jazz. To me though, that's a big waste of time. ANYBODY can flirt with a
girl in one of his classes... what we want to get you doing is asking them OUT.
So let's get you asking them out.
You'd think it'd be easier to meet girls in class than somewhere random, like a street or a
nightclub. Or than some alcohol-infused mish-mosh like an apartment party or dorm room
shebang.
But if you're like most guys, it's the opposite. Classrooms are a lot harder to meet girls in than
the alternative.
It's weird. There you are, and there she is... you see each other every day... you like her, she likes
you. Easy, right?
Well... not exactly.
Similar to what we talked about with "regulars" in the article on gym pickup, girls in your class
effectively function as "regulars" in that environment, too - they're slow-game social circle
prospects that it's often difficult to move fast with.
But why?
There are several reasons:
Most of the value you show her during class you show her indirectly. She sees you
impressively answering the teacher, for instance, or she laughs at one of your jokes you
tell a classmate or the class; or she marvels at your sense of style, or impeccable posture,
or attractive, resonant voice. Because it's indirect, it's harder for her to let you know she
likes you - she can't well say she's impressed by your voice when you haven't been
talking to her; she'll feel like she's chasing you.
Despite you being in the same class together, there often isn't a social context. In
other words, you don't often have a good reason to speak to one another. Her heart might
be throbbing for you, and yours for her, and you might even be an expert at talking to
girls outside of class, but because there's no easy, readily-available situational reason for
the two of you to start talking, you never do.
There's hardly any time to talk before or after class, and you can't talk during class.
Before class, she isn't there, or you aren't there, or the two of you are sitting far apart.
After class, everybody leaves. And during class, well... that's when the teacher's talking,
not you. So again, you and the girls in class you like never talk.
Classrooms are instant social circle - which means she needs to be cautious. Because
she'll see you again, and especially if you're in a small school and you and her are in a lot
of the same classes and know a lot of the same people, you are most certainly not some
random guy she can interact with with zero fear of the consequences. Being her secret
lover is largely out; the classroom imposes immediate and nearly universal expectations
of "friend" or "boyfriend," almost never "lover," which means you'll be stuck moving
slowly (and often ineffectively)... and we'll discuss why below, and how you can try to
counter this.
These things in conjunction all make classroom dating more difficult for the majority of men.
Getting girls in class is an entirely different skill set - it's sort of like social circle, but not
really. And it's completely different from picking up strangers in a bar or a bookstore. The things
that work great in those scenarios often don't work at all in a classroom.
Fortunately, all the fundamentals you've been building (great posture, a sexy walk, a sexy voice,
slow and dominant movements, eye contact, a sexy vibe, leading women, moving women,
frame control, and all the rest) still apply, and still are important in attracting women in class as
much as anywhere else.
But make no bones about it, classroom dating is a strange and unusual beast into and unto itself.
little control over whom you're going to get in your classes, and that's doubly true if
you're in university taking required courses.
2. That instant social circle deal we mentioned above. I'll go into this one more in-depth
here.
The luck-of-the-draw element in classes can mess with your head if you aren't meeting new
women more regularly on your own. I can remember classes in college where I'd start thinking
some girl in one of my classes was really hot, just because she was the prettiest girl in class. I'd
be having all these fantasies about her and what have you. Then I'd run into her outside of
class and realize that, compared to all the other girls out and about, she was really nothing
special.
Classrooms are dangerous like that. Suddenly you start highly valuing some girl that you really
wouldn't value nearly as high outside that single classroom, and you act weird and do the wrong
stuff.
What I really want to talk about here is the "instant social circle" problem. Social circle is a
different approach to meeting women than cold approach, which is the main thing advocated
here and what I suggest you do to liberate yourself from ever having any limitations on your
dating life ever again. If you want to be free, you need to cold approach, plain and simple.
Many guys never will, because it's too intimidating, but once you get going on it and start
racking up experience and it stops being scary and weird, it truly is freedom for your love life.
Back to social circle. Sometimes, you can leverage social circle to get yourself a lot of fast lays
with a lot of attractive women who might otherwise be difficult to get through your cold
approaching.
For instance, Ricardus at one point had himself well-established in the social circle of some
popular local music celebrities who'd always hang out in the VIP section of the nightclubs in
town, and they'd always have a constant stream of new and beautiful women coming through.
Ricardus, who was just some guy who was friends with the music stars, as far as the girls were
concerned, would just hang out and pick up girls this way and had an easy time of it, because he
was operating on the periphery of their social circles and just being a sexy guy they
happened to run into for fast intimacy.
Most of the time though, unless you're doing things really right, social circle simply leads to:
Girls being extra-cautious (you're not anonymous, which means there's a much greater
chance that whatever happens between her and you gets out to everyone she knows - and
she absolutely must maintain discretion - and her reputation)
Girls coming to value you as potential friends or lovers - they see your "other sides" and
suddenly it's next to impossible to see you as a one-dimensional sexy man who's only
going to provide one thing to their lives and one thing only (lusty, raunchy physical
intimacy)
The "I've got time" mentality - if you're some man she meets on the street, it can seem
like a romantic, rushed encounter - she's got to decide: will she see you again, or not?
Then, if you're not always completely available, she may fear losing you and never
seeing you again - thus prompting her to pick up the pace if yes, in fact, she likes you. In
social circle, women feel none of this urgency. And the more time they spend around
you, the more secure they begin to feel that you are never going away... so they can take
as loooong as they like to make up their minds.
Thus, you see the limitations here. And there are fewer places better at reassuring women
you aren't going anywhere, at showing them your other (non-sexual) sides, and at
reinforcing that they'd better move slow and be cautious with you than school.
In as restrictive an environment as the classroom is, what's a boy to do?
Obviously then, if you want to get girls in class, you have to overcome the limitations of the
classroom environment - namely:
Girls extra-cautious
Girls seeing your other sides and valuing you more highly
... and then you've got to step up to the plate and make some magic (and dates) happen.
Let's tackle extra-cautious first.
Defusing Extra-Cautious
Extra-cautious is the most intractable, at first glance, of these three problems to remove.
You can't very well just tell a girl that you're discreet... that doesn't work. You'll just be wasting
your time. In fact, every way I've seen most guys try to do this reeks of desperation, or is a little
on the clumsy side. So stay away from anything approximating, "Hey, don't worry... I don't kiss
and tell!" Stay away too from the equally-clumsy, "Hey... you don't kiss and tell, do you?" She
knows you don't care if she does.
You can tell her a story about how foolish it is that you friend was indiscreet about something,
but it needs to be artfully and expertly woven into your conversation to not sound contrived and you're in a classroom, there's not much chance to talk about anything, let alone
artfully weave something in.
In fact, there's a better way to let a woman feel comfortable letting her guard down around you
and trusting you to be discreet:
Give her some leverage over you.
That's right - tell her some secret she can use against you if it ever gets out.
Obviously, don't use something that's really going to wreck you if she does it, and don't do this
with girls you think might possibly do something spiteful / mean / hurtful, and don't use
something that's going to make you look like a dumb oaf to the girl.
Instead, use one like this:
You: Hey, what's your name?
Her: I'm Becky.
You: Hi Becky, I'm John.
Her: Hi John. How was your summer?
You: It was great - hey, Becky, can you hold onto my bag for a second? I've got food in here,
we're not supposed to have it, just don't tell anyone. I have to run outside for a second and I don't
want anyone going through my stuff and finding it. Call me paranoid.
Her: Okay...
You: Cool, I appreciate it. I'll be right back, thanks Becky.
You can do that before class begins, leave for a minute (go to the bathroom, get a drink of water,
etc.), then come back, thank her, and tell her you'll give her a potato chip later (or whatever
you've got in there).
Why's this work? As it turns out, it does a number of good things for you, all at once:
And just like that, you've gone from being a total stranger to that quirky guy with food in
his bag that she now has some modicum of a connection with.
She doesn't know anything about you yet, other than that you're a little imposing and you keep
food in your satchel, but she's going to be a lot less cautious with you now than, say, that guy
Timmy over on her right who keeps staring at her and trying to flirt with her.
And now, you're one down, two to go.
That means, by the fourth time the class meets, you should already have asked a girl out if you
like her. Once you wait too long, attraction expires, and you get slotted into just friends
territory - no good. That's exactly where you don't want to be - it's like getting tossed into a
deep, dark hole of non-seduction. No good ever comes of being her platonic guy friend and
contenting yourself with hoping and dreaming while other men date her, breakup with her, and
move onto other girls and she moves onto other guys.
Your process should look like this:
Day 1: introductions. If you can, defuse her cautiousness right when you meet her,
although you can always do this on Day 2 once you've said "hi," too. Simply asking her
how her summer or winter break was if you've never talked to her before is sufficient.
Don't talk about the class; it'll kill you (it's a boring, dead-end topic, and she knows you
don't care why she's taking the class or what she thinks about the teacher).
Day 2: the second class you see her in. Talk to her more (easier now that you've said
"hi"), and if you haven't already defused her cautiousness, do it now by sharing
something that will give her a little leverage over you and make her understand you're a
guy who values discretion. You can be talking to her and tell her, "Hey, don't tell anyone,
but..." if you can tie something related into your conversation. Or, just use the "food in
my bag" example.
Day 3: talk some more; ask her out if things are going great, or wait until next time if
you think she needs a little more warming up (usually this is when you'll want to go in
for the kill, though).
Day 4: if you haven't asked her out by now, do it this day. Wait any longer than this and
you're dead in the water; friend zone material. If you like her, grab your cajones and do
it.
That's it. Fast. Not asking her out the first day - unless you're unbelievably suave, that's going to
seem too abrupt for a social circle context like this. You also won't have had time to get into
much of a discussion with her and screened her to any meaningful extent; it won't feel "right"
that you're asking her out.
Once you've met her on the first day, it's very easy for you to sit next to her on subsequent
days and go straight into talking to her. The two of you are classmates who are on a friendly
basis now; there's no need for you to pretend to ignore her. Just sit near her and talk.
What should you talk about? The same things you would with women in any other situation.
See:
The class
The teacher
The school
The school football team
Anything impersonal to her whatsoever
If her answers are going to be similar to the answers you'd get from anyone else (e.g., "Why are
you taking this class?" "What do you think of the teacher?" "Do you think our football team has
a good chance to win this year?"), do NOT ask that question. It's boring conversation fodder, and
you'll sound like a boring conversationalist.
Be an interesting one. Get onto deep, meaty topics about her.
How to ask her out? Well, once you've had a few half-decent conversations, you can simply ask
her:
Tell you what, let's grab a bite sometime this week, outside of class.
And then get a phone number from her.
And at this point, you only have one more consideration left.
This is women, and you. She likes you; she's interested in you. BUT, she thinks she's got plenty
of time to make up her mind.
No rush.
Meanwhile, you're neglecting meeting other women because you're putting mental energy on
trying to meet her. And then, like we talked about in "How to Get Girls,"
along comes a guy who does everything right, and he manages to interrupt her daydreams about
how great you and her will be together just long enough for the two of them to sleep together and now suddenly she's his girl.
Time, my friend, is most certainly of the essence when it comes to women and dating, and girls
in class are no exception.
But how can you convince a girl that she needs to stop deliberating and make a decision?
If you follow the steps above under "Defusing Extra-Cautious" and "Preventing Girls in Class
Seeing Your 'Other Side,'" chances are you won't need to. You'll have done things right, have
moved fast with her, and you already be lining up dates and taking it from there.
But what if you didn't? What if you did things wrong, slipped into the social circle position, and
now you're stuck?
Well, unfortunately, your options for upping your scarcity are pretty limited in class. You can't:
Up and disappear - she'll still see you in the classroom, and you don't have her contact
info to follow up with her later even if you do start skipping class
Just quit talking to her - she'll think you've gone into auto-rejection and that she hurt
your feelings - in other words, that she holds emotional power over you, and you're more
interested in her than she is in you. Not so good for attraction-building
Tell her you're scarce - women pay your words little mind; it's your actions they care for,
and action-wise... you're still there
That means it basically comes down to preselection and making her jealous.
You won't always be able to do this. That's why you want to move fast and cement things with
her as soon as you start a new class with a girl.
But sometimes you can swing this.
The tough news is, this is a very delicate balance, and you can just as easily cause a girl
who likes you but wants to take her time with you to auto-reject as you can to begin
pursuing you. You really need the right balance of just enough of a jealousy plotline that she
becomes interested again and realizes you risk going off the market that she decides to make her
choice.
How's this work? Well, first, before you run a jealousy plotline in class, always either:
If she won't get into any good conversations with you, and/or you've tried asking her out and she
pushed it off into some indeterminate time in the future, then it's time to get her excited in you
again.
You do that by starting to talk to another girl, and getting her interested.
The good news is, if you have been talking to the first girl, the second girl's probably already
interested. To her, you're already preselected - the first girl was your preselection. That means
the second girl is likely to be warm to you right away.
Now, once you're talking to this second girl and flirting with her, you don't want to be obvious
with the first girl. It isn't:
That's obvious, and it doesn't give her any time to stew. Instead:
1.
2.
3.
4.
Most of your value's shown indirectly - not useful for sparking conversation
Despite being in class together, there's often not a social context
There's little time to talk before or after class, and often none during
Classrooms are instant social circle environments
5. Using preselection and jealousy to reignite interest and increase scarcity if you've taken
too long or she assumes she has time to choose
And if you do these things, you'll be better equipped to meet girls in the classroom than almost
every other guy in class with you (even the cool guys, popular guys, handsome guys, and jocks).
Heck, they might even start coming to you for advice... now wouldn't that be fun?
Happy school days,
Chase Amante
Posted by Chase Amante on Thursday, 22 November 2012
Hey Anon,
It's possible, but you've REALLY got to be firing on all cylinders... classroom's a tough
environment. If you're sufficiently high enough in value over a woman where she stops being
able to really relate to you as a human being but still finds you desirable as a mate, you can hold
"potential lover" status even in light of large amounts of value on display that ordinarily would
get a man slotted into friend or boyfriend territory. So it IS possible, it's just relatively
uncommon.
It's never really too late to ask girls out (especially if you're good... the rules are a lot less rigid
when you're at a point where women find you very attractive), and in fact the end of the
semester can be a great time to ask girls out - a lot of hooking up occurs at semester-end
(primarily because discretion becomes less important - your classes together are over - and the
potential for a man becoming a girl's long-term friend or boyfriend greatly diminishes at the end
of the semester if he isn't already one of these things).
In other words, if you want to take the shot - then take the shot!
Cheers,
Chase
Hi Will,
Yes - that's another reason for needing to move expeditiously on this one - you can only change
seats early into the semester before everyone settles in (unless you're in a REALLY big, forumlike classroom... e.g., 200+ students listening to a lecture).
Once you reach that point, you're almost stuck in the traditional old "catch her in the hallway" or
on her way into or out of class approach, simply because logistically there's not really much else
you can do.
There are other alternatives - like, throwing a party and inviting everyone in your class just to
get them out of the classroom setting and meet them elsewhere - but there's a good chance she
just doesn't come, even if she likes you... this one's only good if there are multiple girls in class
you like and you're interested in socializing anyway (in case none of the girls show up; you don't
want to go to the trouble of putting a party together and then having to host it feeling miserable
if only the guys from your class arrive).
The best way to me is to take the "old friend" approach even if you've never talked to her before.
The way it works is you wait until she's leaving, and then you leave at the same time, and
casually ask her, "What'd you think of that test?" (or whatever), and then self-deprecate, "Yeah,
I'm not hanging this one on the fridge in my room or anything, that's for sure," and talk a bit. Do
that a few scattered times over a few different classes (e.g., not several classes right in a row; it
feels weird for you to ignore her all semester and then suddenly fix in on her), and then grab
contact info with a close on a high note when you're talking one of those days like, "Let's grab a
bite or a drink before they end the semester. What's your exam schedule like?" Then find out her
schedule, follow up with a, "Cool, maybe next Tuesday or Thursday once your exams are mostly
over then; I'll text you, we can figure it out," and then grab her cell number.
Cheers,
Chase
Howdy M,
On opening - sure. Although, that's mainly like anything - just takes practice.
But I'll get a post up on it.
On the deep diving: what you're going for is DEPTH, rather than the surface layer of the topic
herself. I'd go for major => dive down to what she's going to do with that => then either where
she imagines herself with that in 10 years OR if she always wanted to be that (e.g., what did you
want to be when you were a little girl... why did you change your mind and go into this far less
exciting career... do you think you'll ever go back and do that).
Remember with deep diving, as soon as you get into a really substantial conversation, you've got
to try and close then. Get her number, because now the clock's ticking on attraction.
Here's why you never want to talk about light stuff: it puts you in the same boring box as
everybody else in her life.
Imagine James Bond, standing there talking to some woman he's just met, saying, "So what do
you and your friends do when you hang out on the weekends?" or, "Hey, did you hear about
Katie and Nick? Crazy, right?"
Doesn't work. Leave that stuff to her girlfriends (and platonic guy pals who keep thinking they're
"closing in on her") and you just worry about opening her eyes and making her say, "Wow." It'll
get you what you want a lot more effectively than trying to slide under the radar platonically...
which almost never works (women just don't respect it - they respect guys being straight with
them far, far more - so be that).
Cheers,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Tuesday, 4 December 2012
Hi Anon,
I can't tell what she was like when she arrived at your place from your description here, so it's
difficult to say. My gut is that she probably was hoping something would happen right away, but
too much time passed and it killer her enthusiasm.
I'd be very surprised if she was "just" there for conversation. I don't know any women who just
go over to a man's place alone for pure conversation. And her reaction to your kiss attempt
doesn't sound like the shocked reaction of a girl who really thought that the two of you were
"just friends"... it sounds like she was expecting it.
Could also have been that she's playing a game / sort of likes you and wants to keep you on the
hook as a backup plan. Again, hard to read, but it's one of those most likely (she liked you and
wanted something to happen; she's playing a game; she wanted you on the roster as a backup
player).
Cheers,
Chase
by Chase Amante
Saturday, 2 February 2013
Emotional dependency
Addiction and attachment
Wild mood swings
Submission
Resentment
Rebellion
Basically, the opposite of what you'd expect to see in a healthy, rewarding, productive
relationship.
It's occurred to me that most of the people who use controlling, coercive, and more or less
arbitrary relationship management tactics probably are not very familiar with operant
conditioning - the system of punishment and reward established by B.F. Skinner for the
purposes of behavior modification.
So today, I want to equip you with a very effective means of communicating your likes and
dislikes to a romantic partner without ruffling feathers, being seen as an oppressor, or,
conversely, a pushover.
I'm going to show you how to use operant conditioning in your relationships.
In my travels, I once saw a mother - normally a very kind, warm, hospitable person - loudly
scold her 4 year-old daughter, who was eating sugar cane, to throw the roots in the trash after
she was done chewing them, or she'd take the sugar cane away. The daughter, mostly happy and
treated well by her family, in this instance had done nothing wrong, and had already been doing
exactly this. In rebellion against this seemingly random order / scolding, she threw the chewed
sugar cane roots on the ground, instead of into the trash, and the mother dutifully took all the
sugar cane away. The daughter began screaming and crying at the top of her lungs.
I asked a friend what caused the problem, and the mother told my friend repeated the tale from
the mother's point of view and my friend translated. I asked why the mother had scolded her
daughter thus in the first place; what brought this about?
The mother's reply was that she simply wanted to make sure her daughter was learning to
behave the right way. Then - in a sign of insightfulness and openness to learning it's rare to see
even in the first world - she asked me (through my friend) if there was anything she should have
done differently.
"Yes," I said. "Tell her nicely, instead of scolding her, and you'll give her no reason to rebel."
This probably seems like a simple enough realization, but most people's relationships are rife
with problems caused by seemingly easy-to-avoid conditioning mistakes.
Punishment is given for no reason, causing rebellion; rewards are given when they should be
withheld, encouraging bad behavior; and rewards are withheld when they should be given,
discouraging good new behaviors.
All of this can be avoided, however, with a little education on operant conditioning.
Further, there is an established process for shaping human behavior with operant conditioning,
and it's the one we'll be learning, using, and following in this article:
1.
2.
3.
4.
State Goal (tell her what you want to have happen and why)
Monitor Behavior (pay attention to what she actually does)
Reinforce Desired Behavior (reward her for good behavior)
Reduce Incentives for Undesired Behavior (remove rewards for bad behavior)
You'll notice, interestingly enough, that giving aversive - disliked - stimuli is not in the list.
It's all about giving something liked, or taking something liked away (giving or removing a
reward).
At no point in the process do you give something disliked or have to take it away (giving or
removing something unpleasant or uncomfortable).
Personally, I wasn't aware of operant conditioning until later in my seduction career, and I only
learned the basic principles of "reward good behavior, punish bad behavior" early on. It took me
years of refining to arrive at the conclusion that using aversive stimuli was usually undesirable,
and simply giving and removing incentives was far more effective.
But it is, and we'll go into why below.
This doesn't show up in lab experiments with mice in a cage - a punishment is nothing but bad there's no additional social attention, no boost, nothing good in it at all, just pure negative affect,
through and through.
But in the real world, things aren't so simple, and the aversive stimulus you mean to use as
"punishment" can actually provide reward. Things like:
... all simply serve to reinforce a behavior (unless the punishment is so severe that is thoroughly
discourages it - we'll talk about this in a bit).
The problem with positive punishment (giving aversive stimuli... what most people traditionally
think of as punishment) is that it just as often reinforces a behavior in real world non-laboratory
settings as it dissuades someone from it.
And the problem with negative reinforcement (removing an aversive stimulus) is that unless you
can find some way to be constantly punishing a woman in the real world, there's not really all
that much aversive stimuli for you to remove.
So if we can't use positive punishing to all that good effect most of the time in our relationships,
and negative reinforcement is impractical for our purposes, what can we do?
If using aversive stimuli to punish is out - except in a few select cases which we'll review below
- that means we've only got two (2) options for dealing with behavior:
And aversive stimuli is out, because positive punishment (following up bad behavior with
punishment) can actually serve as reinforcement, and because for us to use negative
reinforcement (following up bad behavior by taking punishment away), we'd need to be
punishing our partners in a relationship all the time unless they did what we wanted them to do.
Yeah, that's not practical.
So that cuts us down to three options for affecting behavior, normally:
1. Positive reinforcement (following up good behavior by giving a liked-thing)
2. Negative punishment (following up bad behavior by removing a liked-thing)
3. Extinction (ignoring a behavior and letting it slowly fade away)
We'll take a look at each of these, but before we do, I want to cover one other thing:
Using operant conditioning for shaping human behavior.
Behavior Shaping
Behavior-shaping needs to rely on emotion. Nothing else truly works. However, when you're
dealing with humans, you aren't dealing with purely emotional creatures as you are with
dogs or rodents. You're dealing with beings that think, that reason, and that understand; and
you'll get far more mileage with them if they know why you're doing what you're doing and can
throw the force of their minds behind reconditioning their behavior themselves.
One of the big fears of people first hitting this website is that it's all manipulation. There's a
scary word. Here, we are manipulating people like puppets on emotional strings... pull them this
way and they do this, pull them that way and they do that.
With the operant conditioning process of behavior shaping, you get to wash your hands of
any charge of manipulation. You tell the person you're using this with exactly what you're
doing, make sure they understand it, and then do it.
Chances are, if you're doing it for the right reasons, they'll even support you on it.
The process goes like this:
1.
2.
3.
4.
State Goal (tell her what you want to have happen and why)
Monitor Behavior (pay attention to what she actually does)
Reinforce Desired Behavior (reward her for good behavior)
Reduce Incentives for Undesired Behavior (remove rewards for bad behavior)
So, let's say you have a girlfriend who has the habit of texting while the two of you out at
restaurants, which you go to twice a week because you both enjoy eating outside. You consider
it disrespectful that she's texting during your meals and think it looks bad, and ask her to stop.
She says she will, but keeps doing it anyway.
Following the above process, you do this:
1. Tell her that you find it rude that she texts during dinner, and you'd like her to stop, and
you know she would too, but she keeps forgetting. So you're going to start taking a week
off from going to restaurants with her after each restaurant-texting slip up. She protests;
you tell her, no, this is the only way we'll change that behavior, so we're going to do it.
2. You keep track of her behavior, and stay aware of when she's reaching for her phone out
at dinner with you.
3. When she doesn't text during dinner, you keep going to dinner with her as planned
(positive reinforcement; you keep giving her something she likes). When she does, you
take the next week off from going to dinner (negative punishment; you remove
something she likes).
Here's another one. Say you're dating a girl who's really cool and really cute, except that she
keeps using some specific phrase over and over again and can't seem to stop
("Ohmygodzounds!" is the one we'll use for this example). The first 20 times she uses it, it's
funny; after that, it's just irritating. You ask her to stop, and she says she will... but doesn't.
So you:
1. Tell her that because you want her to stop using that and you don't think she can on her
own, you're going to help her, and any time she says "Ohmygodzounds!" you're going to
point out to her that she said it, and then you're not going to speak to her for 20 minutes,
and you don't want her speaking to you either.
2. Then, you pay attention to that word.
3. When she doesn't use it, you continue speaking to her as usual. When she does, you point
it out to her, tell her you can't speak with her for 20 minutes, and then tell her you'll talk
to her again in 20 minutes, and go in another room and shut the door.
You might have to do that 3 or 4 times the first night you start doing it with her, and once or
twice the second night, but by the third night she'll be all but cured, and you'll be amazed at
how quickly you'll have rid her of something you simply could not rid her of any other
way.
That's the power of operant conditioning for you.
... and any number of other things you can think of that you do together.
You can give her more of these things as rewards for good behavior, and less of them as
penalties for bad behavior.
Rather than add something aversive as a response to bad behavior, simply remove something she
likes, like going dancing with her.
You must make sure the reinforcement is right for the behavior you're shaping, of course.
If you cancel a vacation with her because she hogged the covers again, that's a little much. And
if you seek to reward her making you a 6-course meal when she never cooks by talking to her a
little more than usual, she's going to be disappointed and underwhelmed.
Match rewards, or the removal of those rewards, to the behavior being reinforced or
punished.
In that order of extremity. Usually the first is enough for dealing with these, but sometimes a
situation calls for more.
I won't go over these again since they're already covered in detail in the two articles just linked
to. Do have a look at those if you'd like to know more about them.
If you're wondering why something less strong than these isn't an option, it's because
anything weaker falls into the realm of passive aggressive.
If you simply rely on, say, sarcasm, or bitterness, as a response to very bad behavior, that's
actually passive aggressiveness, and it comes across as weak. It is, therefore, not effective
punishment. Use righteous anger instead.
State Goal (tell her what you want to have happen and why)
Monitor Behavior (pay attention to what she actually does)
Reinforce Desired Behavior (reward her for good behavior)
Reduce Incentives for Undesired Behavior (remove rewards for bad behavior)
Hi Anon,
Actually, that's one that I've used repeatedly in relationships, with 100% effectiveness across the
board.
The part that may be lacking in how it's communicated is that this one's usually somewhat
funny, in that the girl keeps saying something annoying, you keep telling her to stop, and finally
you tell her, trying not to laugh, that you're simply not going to talk to her for 20 minutes the
next time she uses it. She laughs and says, "Really? Come on!" and you laugh and say, "Try it!
You think I'm kidding...!"
Then she does it, and you point it out and tell her you're going in the other room, and laughs and
says you've got to be kidding me... and then you do it. And then it happens again. And then
again.
And then it stops being funny to her and starts being annoying. And as soon as the emotion of
annoyance and irritation is anchored in her mind to that particular word or behavior, it
evaporates from her vocabulary or repertoire, and she stops saying it or doing it.
Try it sometime. It's funny, and it's very effective.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Saturday, 9 February 2013
SC
Youre very correct, positive reinforcement / negative punishment is a big part of the pickup
process I was focused on rewarding and punishing since the beginning of my pickup career,
but I think anyone who spends enough time in-field naturally figures out you get the best results
by rewarding and granting attention for good behavior and removing rewards and attention for
bad.
You also have a great insight on negative punishment there. The goal ultimately in pickup is to
become such a valuable guy to have attention from and to provide such desired attention that
its removal instantly makes the girl regret having lost that attention. Obviously, the effects of
this get stronger and stronger the better your fundamentals are and the rarer a find you are for
most women. In relationships, the effect of fundamentals and personal desirability is still there,
but its modulated by the fact that its a relationship, and no matter how strong or weak
someones base attractiveness, their attention is still desired by default to some degree (or else
the relationship wouldnt exist).
The article on corrections yeah, thatd be a fun one to write, actually. There are some weird
rules in pickup about correcting yourself a lot of times, even if youre very, very wrong, you
need to stick to your guns regardless, even if you realize it, at least until things calm down / the
pickup is over. Its an emotional elevation thing if emotions are cresting, a course correct midcrest can cause a crash. But when people are rational, if youre wrong, if you dont correct when
youre clearly wrong, youll simply lose those peoples respect (although you may also whip
more ardent, unquestioning followers up into a frenzy religious and political leaders use this
sometimes). Anyway, its weird Ill do an article on it sometime real soon.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Sunday, 3 February 2013
Hey MI can see how you'd think so if you haven't used these before.
In fact, these are actually very humane things to use, when you think about the alternative
(behaviors never getting fixed, and the partners growing increasingly displeased with one
another instead of increasingly pleased, stronger, better, and happier together).
Normally you'll start by telling the person to please stop doing something and explain why it's
better not to do the incorrect thing. You always want to get buy-in, of course; if you're
unilaterally trying to change something the other person doesn't agree need changing, they at the
very least need to understand why YOU think it needs changing and acknowledge the affect it's
having on your emotions. Using the technique without this element can lead to resentment, yes.
However, simply telling someone to please stop something almost never works. Try it sometime
- you can spend months telling someone to knock something off over and over again, and have it
never bear any fruit (other than you wasting a lot of time and annoying the other person).
If you're good enough at stopping bad behaviors on your own, women won't need to behavior
shape you. Even if you aren't, however, a woman needs to be logically aware enough of what
you're doing and what she'd rather you do, and that's rare. Still though, even if she does, it's not
a bad thing, and if she's doing it responsibly (like you will be), it'll help you be better and
remove bad behaviors.
To imagine Bond doing this, imagine Bond looking at a woman with an impish grin, and saying,
very slowly, "If you say that again, I am going to stand up, go in the other room, and shut the
door for twenty minutes. And when I come out, I expect that you'll be cured." And she says it,
daring him to do so, and he stands up, slowly, holding eye contact with her, and walks off into
the other room and shuts the door, taking his computer with him to continue with international
spy duties.
... of course, Bond doesn't really do relationships or stick around with women for more than a
few months, so maybe painting the picture is irrelevant in the first place! Just try and picture a
married Bond...
by Chase Amante
Friday, 12 August 2011
do to turn it around?
Trying to get back a girl you've lost is like trying to save a dinner you've burnt, or take
back an insult you've slung, or fix a vase you've broken. It's possible, but it's not going to be
easy. Not at all.
It's about 1000 times easier to learn simply to NOT burn dinner, NOT insult people, and
NOT break vases... and not cause women to run away, either, than it is to continually be
trying to get back women you've lost.
But, unfortunately, even for the most talented guys out there, sometimes dinner still gets burnt,
sometimes an insult still slips out, sometimes your elbow still catches a vase, and sometimes you
still mess up with a girl you like and have to watch her run away, and it's worth knowing how to
turn things around when you do end up in that scenario.
That said, I'm of the mind that for every hour you spend trying to raise a sunken ship, you ought
to spend ten hours learning how to sail ships without sinking them.
Otherwise, you're just going to keep plowing into icebergs, again and again.
So, let's talk turnarounds and lets talk how to get girls back, but don't forget that the most
important thing for you to learn is how to get girls to begin with and how not to lose them in the
first place.
That girl and I went on to have a long relationship together, and we broke up a number of times,
but I always managed to get her back in the end. Eventually we'd taken each other through the
ringer enough times though that I thought enough was enough and we agreed to part ways for
good. I realized I was being selfish holding onto her, when I couldn't give her what she wanted
(exclusive, monogamous, lifelong commitment -- not really something for me).
Another time, a few years after I first met that girl in 2006, I had another girl I really liked -also quite beautiful, quite intelligent, and quite a character, that one -- that I blew it with, and
only after another equally Herculean effort was I able to get a second date with her. And she was
so primed for me at that point that she ended up sprawled out on my bed, waiting for me. As it
were, I fumbled this opportunity too with this girl, a newlywed -- she eloped in the couple of
months between our first date and our second -- by again hesitating and again moving too slow,
losing her a second time.
Anyway, the reason stories like this seem so remarkable is because they're so incredibly
rare.
For every story I have like this, I have 20 more about girls I really liked that I lost and never
turned things around with. And as I've gotten better and better with women, turnarounds have
become less and less of a concern.
You see, that girl I got back -- the one in 2006 -- I had to work my ass off to turn that around. I
had to wrack my brain and figure out everything I'd done wrong, and then I had to undo all of it,
and then I had to redo everything again, but right this time. I had to pull out all the stops and
take my game to a level it had never been at before that point to make what happened happen.
But as I've gotten better and better with women, a curious few things have happened. They are:
I've largely stopped making the mistakes I used to make that lost me women
I've consistently been having higher and higher quality women in my life
I've consistently had more and more options with women in my life
and as a result, my desire to chase after and "win back" any one girl I might've blown it with has
shrank to virtually zero.
In fact, I had a girl I blew it with last year who was chasing after me hard early this year... a
buddy of mine even wished me good luck with her when I'd told him she was begging to come
over to my place and spend time with me, but I told him no good luck needed; it was in the bag
if I wanted it.
But I didn't want it.
At that point, I felt confident that I'd take that girl to bed... but that she'd then expect a
relationship out of it, and I didn't want to deal with that with her. And after her holding out on
me as much as she had before, I didn't think she was the kind of girl I wanted a relationship
with.
I ended up telling her not to come over, and met her at a restaurant instead for a much more
neutral, platonic meeting. She kept trying to find an excuse to get over to my place, but I kept
deflecting her, and eventually she gave up and disappeared. Now I only get the occasional email
from her, wondering how I've been and telling me she misses me.
Well, before I get into how to get a girl back, I want to make it equally clear to you that, should
you invest the time in yourself to fully develop your skills with women, you won't want to
waste time trying to get girls back.
You'll have too many new women on your hands to worry about one flakey one.
But, I realize you may or may not be there yet, and no matter what may be said, if a guy wants to
know how to pull a turnaround off, he wants to know how to pull a turnaround off.
So, all right; you asked for it, so here it is.
But for the guys who messed it up with a girl they hadn't slept with, and for the guys who had a
girlfriend they were sleeping with but with whom they weren't good in bed with and didn't leave
a strong emotional imprint, you're going to have an uphill climb. That's not to discourage you,
because it can still be done; that's just to give you a more realistic expectation of the level of
effort that's going to be involved.
Pick ups can happen fast when you know what you're doing -- even with conservative girls, even
with girls who've only had one or two lovers before -- or even none at all. Turnarounds, on the
other hand, very rarely happen fast, if only because the guys who have the skill set down
solid enough to be able to turn things around fast don't usually end up in the position of needing
to turn things around.
I'm going to tailor this as a more general how-to on getting a girl back; a more specific "how to
get your girlfriend back" post I'll try and get up at some point in the not-too-distant future. If I
forget, shoot me an email to remind me and I'll try and get it up; but, since I don't really get the
"how do I get my girlfriend back" questions, I'm going to assume there aren't many cats on here
with that question and I'll save that for another time. [UPDATE: here it is: "How to Get Your
Girlfriend Back"]
Just yesterday, a reader made the following comment on the post about staying out of autorejection:
Great article man, but just realized that I did everything wrong, gone too slow and now the
girl I like its just cold with me, she already was shy, but now its getting very hard talking to her,
as she always go quiet and aloof, I started talking to her becouse she always was the first to
gaze me. now we often flirt in distance with eye contact and smiles, but she seems way too shy
now, sometimes she even walks away when im talking to her, there would be something I could
do to bring her back? every time she looks at me from distance i feel she still likes me but I have
no idea of what to do!
greetings from Brazil (sorry for my bad english).
Caesar.
Let's use Caesar's comment here as our model to work off of, because this is the one I get
emailed the most frequently about. Guy meets girl, guy likes girl, girl likes guy, guy flirts with
girl, girl flirts with guy... then nothing happens... for a long time... girl gets cold, guy gets
frustrated. What to do?
Again, check out the post on how to get girls (link earlier in this post, or over on the sidebar to
the right of the page) if you haven't already; that's your basic instruction manual for what to do
with the girls you like. For a complete guide to getting girls, snag a copy of my ebook;
everything you'll ever need and a whole lot more is in there. If you follow the steps lain out in
that post or in the book, you're going to be well on your way to avoiding ending up having to
figure out how to get girls back any time soon. So, do that first; use this post as a last resort.
But let's say, for one reason or another, you've ended up here, and you've absolutely got to know
how to get a girl back. Well, without further ado, let's have at what to do.
1. Get your thoughts off of her. Why's this important? Because I'm betting that if you
really like her this much -- so much that you're willing to do whatever it takes to turn
things around and make her yours -- that probably also means you're thinking about her.
A lot. Maybe even all the time.
And girls you think about a lot, you become useless around. Just think back to the last
time you tried to talk -- or do anything -- with a girl you really, really liked. You
probably became a quivering mound of Jell-O, didn't you?
You need to get your mind off her and distance yourself from your feelings from her
before you're able to effect anything resembling a comeback. That means thinking about
other girls; dating or sleeping with other girls, when possible; or at the very least
plunging yourself into some kind of hobby, activity, sport, or other passion that can
consume your thoughts and get you spending a lot less mental time on this girl.
The more time you spend investing mentally in a girl, the less effective with her you'll
be.
2. Start acting gradually opposite to how you were. That means if you were being a little
overly aloof, you need to be a little warmer. And if you were being a little insulting, you
need to be a little less so, and get to mentioning to her the things you genuinely like
about her. And if you were coming across too easy to get, you need to start becoming
more scarce and tougher to get.
The key to this is the word "gradual." If you make a sudden switch, she'll know it was in
reaction to her, and if your goose was cooked before, it's turned to ash, now. You need to
start straightening out your act, but you need to do it without it looking forced or
contrived. Be gradual.
3. DO NOT CHASE. Under any circumstances whatsoever. I know the instinct is to panic
and chase after the person you're losing; it's universal, and women do it too (this factors
significantly into how I run my own interactions with women these days; the reason they
pursue me as much as they do is because I'm being the "guy they want to get back").
But trust me, nothing will flush her attraction down the toilet for you faster than you
chasing after her. If you want to make absolutely certain that she NEVER wants to be
with you again, chase after her. Otherwise -- yeah, don't do this one.
4. If you seemed too easy, make her jealous; if you didn't, avoid this at all costs. This is
where our strategies start diverging. To get her seeing him in a different light, the girl
who saw a guy as too easy needs to see him getting attraction from other women, and no
longer chasing after her. This can take the form of:
You talking to other girls in a bar or nightclub in front of her
You hinting that you're unavailable a weekend night, without saying why
You mentioning how cute or pretty another girl is to her
If you lost her because you made her feel unwanted, or because you hurt her, though -do not do this. Making her jealous will only push her further away -- it only makes you
seem harder to get, and less available to her, which is the opposite of what you want.
And if she ends up resenting you because you seem too hard to get, she may very well
want to make you jealous -- and then the two of you will just end up in twisted little war
of each one trying to make the other more jealous. I've been there a few times, and trust
me, it ain't fun. Whip out the jealousy only when she thinks you're too easy (e.g., that
women don't want you).
5. Give her some cooling off time... without you. If the two of you were flirting before, it's
safe to assume that she liked you, enjoyed your attention, and enjoyed spending time
with you and talking to you. So, give her a little time to cool off and realize that life is
noticeably less awesome without you around.
The main thing this does is ease your return. No matter the reason why she ran off, if you
want to get her back, she needs a little time without you. In addition to reminding her
that she likes having you around, this also lets any pressure she was feeling (if you'd
been chasing her) reset.
6. Don't be cute. I know lots of the stuff out there on game, on texting, on phone calls, on
talking to girls tells you to be cute. All that stuff like, "I'm going to treat you like my
little sister, and wrap you up in bubble tape and stuff you in my pocket!" Well, that's
stuff that -- I won't say it helps you -- but it at least doesn't hurt you too much when she's
feeling very comfortable with you and digging you.
When she's annoyed at you and running away, her tolerance for cutesiness falls to zero.
So cut that crud out and be straight with her.
7. Get compliance. If you can't get a girl to invest in you, you're not going to be able to get
her to do anything else. You need, need, need to get her following your lead again -- ask
her to come for a short walk with you; tell her, "Hey, don't run away, I want to talk to
you for a minute." Start giving her small orders, or asking for small amounts of
compliance. Read up on persuading women before you do; particularly if she's running
away, you're going to have to be at your most persuasive!
8. Set up a meet, pronto. I don't know where guys get this idea from, but most of the guys
you see trying to salvage something with a girl try doing it over phone, text, or email.
Are you kidding me? If you want to turn something around, you've got to do it in person.
Get her in person. That should be your mantra for turning stuff around. Get her alone
with you, or semi-alone, in person, where the two of you are there just for each other. At
that point, you can be cool with her, and not be insulting, and not be too easy to get, and
move forward quickly and naturally.
9. Exceptions. Some of the above steps are going to be "exceptioned-out" sometimes. For
instance, in Caesar's situation, where it sounds like this girl is already pulling away really
hard and, I'd have to guess, he hasn't gone on a date with her at all yet, he needs to get
her out ASAP and show her he's a man who will lead her to making progress, to make
something happen, and, not long after, to bed. So for Caesar, I'd recommend taking
exception to worrying about jealousy plotlines (they take too long; he needs to move fast
before this girl is gone completely) and I'd skip the cooling off period (she doesn't need
to cool off from him chasing her, as it sounds like it hasn't gone beyond flirting and he
hasn't asked her out at all; he needs rather to make it crystal clear he wants something to
happen, and that he'll make it happen).
If you follow these steps, you're going to stand a much better chance of getting a girl back than
your average, ordinary guy, who stands around feeling sorry for himself, yelling, "WHY???" at
the gods, and begging women (in vain) for another shot.
Instead, now you've got the tools to take matters back into your own hands and start effecting a
turnaround.
But, there's one more thing you need to keep in mind before the turnaround is complete...
Hey M,
I had a similar situation, about 5 years ago. I had this girl who was just about everything I could
ever want -- that girl I mentioned pulling off the turnaround here with, in fact -- but at the same
time, my abilities with women were nowhere near where I wanted to get them to. I knew if I got
into a committed, exclusive relationship with her then, it'd be forever, because I just don't lose
people from my life unless I let them go. And I wasn't ready to get into a "forever" type of
situation.
So, I told her I could be with her, but that I couldn't be an exclusive boyfriend to her. It was
really, really hard to do at the time and it was 100% my logical mind telling me, "This is for the
best," and just steamrolling my emotional mind, which was screaming, "No! I don't want to lose
this girl! Do whatever it takes to keep her!" But now, 5 years later, I'm unbelievably glad I took
the path I took. I knew logically it was the better path, I just had to fight emotion to get there.
The other path led to the traditional white picket fences house, corporate desk job, marriage and
children scenario that I know is not for me. Now instead I'm traveling the world, launching start
up businesses, and enjoying success with women I hardly would've guessed back then I could
achieve.
For me, the most important thing was not ending up "trapped," and getting my skills to the level
where I'd always be able to walk away from a relationship if I needed to and go get another girl.
I knew if I gave up pick up then and went exclusive, if bad stuff ever happened I wouldn't be
able to leave that girl, because I'd have no skills to find a replacement, no faith in myself to do
so, and nowhere else to go.
But, it's a personal decision for everyone. I'm thankful for taking the road less traveled, but
you've got to make that call on your own. On the one hand, you risk losing a gal you really like;
on the other, you risk spending the rest of your life wondering what would've happened had you
gone down that other road. I guess whichever one's the bigger deal to you, you go with that one.
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 17 August 2011
I find that most people have very, very strongly held views on relationships, and views on
relationships are mostly like views on religion -- they can't prove that what they think is true, but
they really, really don't like people telling them it isn't. They want to believe.
For that reason, I try to avoid the topic of what kinds of relationships work best, and what
models I'd recommend guys to follow. It's too much headache on a site like this, and I'd
probably end up casting myself as some sort of far more polarizing figure than I am right now,
which is not what I want.
So, primarily, I'll continue to focus here on teaching men how to do better with meeting women,
and how they handle the early stages of a relationship, as well as general, common relationship
problems. I'll leave the "recommending to men how to lead their entire lives" to somebody else
with more tolerance for getting himself slated an outcast than I ;)
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 24 August 2011
Hi Anon,
Man, sucks when you have it right there and then it all falls apart like that, huh? Especially when
it was a girl you dig, and then you look back and see where, had you just pushed a little more
and made something happen, you and her would've ended up together instead of her ending up
cold and bitter and you ending up needy and chasing. Been there plenty of times myself, and it
was always an ugly place to be.
At this point, you probably realize that it's more or less irreparable, at least for now. She's pretty
hurt and pretty bitter, and she's seeing a guy who may even be a nice guy to rebuild her selfesteem, especially if she'd really been hoping the two of you would get together and really took
it hard that you didn't.
Only thing you can do when the wound is still fresh is to give it some time to heal up. Once her
emotions have cooled a bit, you can come back and come at it from a really chill place, and just
be cool with her. What I've found success with in this arena is coming back both much more
chill but also leading a lot more strongly and decisively. It gives girls a second wind, like,
"Maybe THIS time he'll do something!" while also not giving them anything to object to (too
much chasing, the two of you kissing, etc.). Then you just get them alone with you and unleash
it full force on them -- passionate kissing, and moving aggressively toward the two of you
getting together right then. Basically, treat it like what it is -- a ton of pent up sexual tension
between the two of you that's being unleashed in one full-force, passionate encounter.
Until she cools down though and comes back around -- and how long that takes depends a lot on
the girl, and how much you meant to her and thus how hard she took it -- you absolutely need to
be getting other women in your life. If you go back to work, I'm sure there are other strippers
there who look good -- right? They may not be as awesome as this girl, but if you bed them,
she'll realize you're a guy who's not going to wait around forever.
Oftentimes, for whatever reason, letting girls see you sleeping with other girls or dating other
girls seems to be the only thing that can motivate a girl who'd previously been cold or stringing
you along to go, "Wait a minute -- he's not going to be waiting in the wings forever? I'd better
get my ass in gear..."
Anyway, condolences on how things worked out, but it sounds like you're the kind of guy that
women respond to -- and if women are getting as emotionally wrapped up in the very idea of
having you and getting you as it seems this girl did, all you've got to do now is just refine it so
that you're taking that attraction somewhere and closing deals and stopping girls from ending up
in auto-rejection, and you'll be in real good shape.
Cheers brother,
Chase
Posted by Chase Amante on Wednesday, 31 August 2011
From the man's standpoint, it's ugly: as you cede more and more control, you typically start
feeling increasingly needy toward her and she starts feeling more and more "special." As you
watch her start flaunting her independence (her emotions for you are cooling off and she's
starting to feel powerful, so she starts doing stuff like going out more and partying more and
often hooking up with other guys), you start chasing as she pulls away emotionally.
I put in a massive turnaround effort to reverse course once I realized this had happened with my
on-again, off-again ex and I, and I eventually did restore a modicum of the intense passion and
high regard she once had for me, but once she's tamed you, to some degree, it's never the same,
and I ended up walking away after accepting it was changed for the worse forever.
Every guy I've seen this happen to -- all guys with lots of success with women who previously
were often quite averse to being roped into the long-term stable guy role, mind you -- every one
of them who stays with these girls gets beaten down. I'm not even in real contact with my friends
who've gone this route anymore; they gradually submitted more and more to their girls and
became increasingly alienated from me and their other guy pals.
There's an old Sinbad stand-up routine where Sinbad talks about the guy who gets settled into a
relationship with a girl. He talks about how you see your friend less and less, and then one day
you spot him out at the mall, standing outside a woman's clothing store holding a handbag while
his girl shops inside.
"We've got to save that brother!" Sinbad shouts to his friends.
Anyway, to your original question: how to get this girl back? Two basic ways:
Take the long, slow approach, gradually capitulating while trying to remain attractive
enough that she doesn't lose interest
Get her to meet up with you somewhere quiet and alone, get her attracted again, then let
her chase all the way up until the point where she's tearing your clothes off. Then dial up
your passion to the max and close the deal before she goes rational again and starts
demanding that you tame yourself more before the two of you can be together again
Ultimately though, unless I've misunderstood / misread your situation and it's different from how
I'm picturing it, things sound like they've progressed to a place with this girl where she's lost
faith in the relationship and it'll be hard to restore it. You can't capitulate and you can't become
someone else if you want her to retain her respect for you as a man in a long-term relationship.
All you can do is take her as your lover again and try to remind her why those emotions she has
for you were so strong to begin with. Maybe next time she won't be so quick to want to leave.
But my best advice for you would be... it's time to move on. Trying to glue the pieces back
together's a lot harder and produces a lot uglier finished product than just molding a brand new
vase from scratch, and making sure not to break that one ;)
Best,
Chase