Encyclopedia of Patter

ENCyCLOPEDI#
OF
PflTTEH
By ROBERT ORBEN
___ W IL L ALMA
M.I.M.C. (LONDON)
< T H E
B N e re to P B M A
OF
P
T T E R
R O B E R T O R J& E M
A COMPILATION OF CH O ICE COM EDY MATERIAL ARRANGED

IN COMPLETE ROUTINES FOR CONVENIENT USE BY THE
D ISCRIM INA T IN G PERFO RM ER.
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SECOND ED IT IO N
Copyright 191G
A ll Rights Reserved.
No part of this book m ay be
reproduced in any fo rm without written perm ission from
the author.
Published By
ROBERT ORBEN
2690 Webb Avenue
New York 63, New York
ENCYCLOPEDIA OF PATTER
INTRODUCTION
Several months ago I sat down to write a hook and pondered

carefully the question of what to write about. At first I was inclinjMl Jto do a book about this years female bathing suits but
after somc-pSclmunary research 1 found there wasn't enougfi_jnatQi'ial. Then 1 posed this question to myself: Whatj in this progressive
day and age could I contribute to the onward march of civilization?
Instantly, Ihe only possible answer occured to me. A book of patter
for magicians and masters of ceremonies! For months I buried
m yself in niv work--- 1 couldnt eat! I couldnt sleep! 1 couldiPt
drink! I didn't have ally money... But eventually it was through.
In my completely unprejudiced opinion, the greatest book in the his
tory of show business.
The following pages are composed of sure-fire material, guaran
teed for laughs no matter how delivered. Gag for gag, situation for
situation, it is better than the average routines done by top comedians
of the screen, stage and radio. I have done my best to make them
laugh proof but the reader of this book will have to rely to a large
extent upon his own ingenuity to fit them into his act. Timing is
essential in comedy of any sort. A mediocre comedian will extract
from an audience 50% of the laughs that a capable comedian like
Bob Hope, Milton Berle or any of the other top-notchers will, using
the same material. This is so because they instinctively know what
to say and when to say it. To be more specific, they never rush them
selves with their material. If the audience feels like laughing over a
gag that appeals to them, let them! Dont hurry on to the rest of
your routine and kill the laugh. Dont recite to your audience. Speak
the words as if you meant them and when relating incidents suppos
edly happening to you, tell them convincingly. In short, live your
part. In order to help your timing, you will find the material spaced
and each space in between gags or even phrases indicates a pause in
your delivery. Heed these! Intelligent usage of this guide will double
the effect of your act. Finally, listen to sonic of the leading come
dians on the radio, noting their style and method of delivery, rather
than the jokes they use. More than anything else, this will make you
a better comedian.
There is also the question of when to use this material. By this
I mean, will it fit into your act? Nothing is more laughable than a
magician who does a half-dozen tricks posing as the Great I Am
a
man of mystery, and then suddenly goes into a rapid-fire comedy
monologue. His audience might laugh but they wont be laughing
with him. Be consistent! If comedy fits in with your style and
personality, use it. If it doesnt, read the book and recommend it to
your friends (I have to make a living too) but use your judgment
before including any of it into your act.
Magicians might say that some of the material has no relation
to magic. That is so, but good comedy patter can be used in countless
ways by the intelligent conjurer. Many eil'ects have unavoidable
lulls that can be filled with excerpts from these routines. Manipula
tions of coins, balls, cards and other items often are a Hop because of
the dead stillness in the air during the act. Here, too the recitation of a
routine will provide pleasure for the car as well as the eye. Comedy
is always welcome and if you can double as comedian or M. C. besides
your magic chores, you will find that jobs will be easier to get and
repeat dates a practical certainty.
There is a wide range of subjects covered in this book and with
the basic material given and by intelligent cutting, revision and
additions, you can turn these routines into tailor made laugh-getters.
Exercise caution in your choice of material for the job you are
playing. Some of the jokes used would not be advisable at church
functions, childrens shows and locations patronized by the sedate
and elderly. Conversely, emphasize this material at smokers,
lodge-meetings, etc.
This hook is meant to he used. Some of you may see a lot of
jokes in it that youve already heard and summarily termed corny.
You will undoubtedly call a lot of it old stulf, but speaking about
old stuff I am putting down the following story that I saw in sev
eral different popular magic magazines in the past few years. It goes:
At an impromptu entertainment aboard a crowded transport
going to France during the war, a magician was giving a great
performance" On a perch overlooking the scene a stir insed parrot
watched the artisF cause cards to disappear^ gold fisirT5owls-and
giant bouquets oTliowers to>app~ear out of"tlmiiair. At llle~climax
of~thesTreheets the sleight o r i i a n tl artist announced dramaticaIIy~to
his soldier audience, And now 1 will show you a feat unnafalTeled
nTthe history of legertlermam. Just as the parrot, yisibl^TmTTressecT
by the words, was leaning forward to see better, there came a tre
mendous explosion as a Nazi torpedo crashed through tTursule~of~tlie
ship. Lights went out, whistles blew, hells ran;*, fire Unshed through
tlie ship and oiie after another the giant boilers exploded. In ii few
liiiniues the ship went down leaving the parrot sitting preeariousiy
on a piece of driftwood. He saw the magician come'ter the surface,
shout, "Help ! 1 and go down again. Once more thcTman came up.
Once more he yelled Help! cince more lie disappeared. The third
time he went down lor good- Jslnw~TlTero~was 110 ~trace~~of~tIie ship,
the passengers or the performer. The parrot thought abotm iie
\vhoie~llusiiiess ior a while and then sottiy murmured toTfimself
Amazing!
'
~
At the time of publication in these magazines it was brand
newr to the magical gentry and anyone re-telling it or reprinting it
would have been thought a plagarist. This fact caught my curiosity
and I decided to trace the origin of the joke. I found that it had
been told in a score of different Avavs and credited to a dozen different
personalities and quite a few eelebriles. I tracked it all the way
back to 19152 when it appeared in a collection of original humor in
which it was credited to Ed Wynn. With all respect to Mr. Wynn,
I sincerely believe I could have gone even farther back. In short, a
joke is new, no matter what its age, if you or your audience hasnt
heard it.
Ive given credit in very few places for the gags used because
in most cases their source has been claimed by many. Id just like
to extend a simple thanks to all the comedians and comedy writers
who have helped me in the compilation of this book.
And now I leave you to the jokes with this reminder. This
book is little but so is the atom bomb. Use its contents to good
advantage.
Wordily yours,
Robert Orben
Postscript Many thanks to Frank Kelly for permission to use his
swell rope opening and to Ted Trinkaus for the fine art work he
produced for the cover.
by
The State Library of Victoria

ALMA CONJURING COLLECTION
ROBERT ORBEN
I have not included a Table of Contents because of the difficulty

in classifying the various routines. They cover such a wide latitude
and concern such diverse subjects that even the routine headings
became a problem. Therefore I would recommend your just open
ing the book and reading. For future references just mark the page
you wish to remember on the spacious cover of this book.
(If you arc called upon to M. C. a show or do a solo stint besides
your magic, this is a perfect routine. Always remember to never
give your audience too much humor. With one-liner material, ten
minutes should be the absolute maximum time your act should run.)
MY LIFE OF MAGIC
or
s IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER AGAIN--- 1 WOULDNT

By the unanimous request of two waiters and a dishwasher. I
will relate the story ot iVly Lite of Magic- ^ o r --- If I Had My
Life To Live Over~Again I Wouldnt . ~ . . . Un the fatef 11!night
of June 16, liTTS~(substitute you birthdate) 7i latetul nigtit~beeause nothing happened---- nothing happened and tliev called it
(your n a m e )........... . 1 was born on a s t a i r c a s e and so~I
came into life a stepchild
. . iVIv niotlierloved children -- shed
have given anything if Id have been o n e .......... Ive had magic in
mv veins since I was born --- sometimes I wish lh a d blood . . . 7.
Why some of my theatrical ancestors go as far back as Columbus,
some of them even go as far back as Cincinnati..........At an early
age I began to do magic and soon the neighbors took no'tice ot mv
great talent In fact I still have the scars to prove it . . . . . ATtlie
age of two I was accused of making mv fathers whiskey disappear
.. . . . Hecalled it iNio and Tuck whiskey one nip andthey tucked
him away for th e mght . . . . . I always get Blamed lor everything.
Even as a baby they were pinning things on me J... . Mv first two
years had been a monotonous lify but I never realized tha t I needed
aThange tin til niy mirse reminded me........... My mind made up I
clrTrmtrd-my'best Eton-suit--- motli-eaton that i s .......... and at the
tender age of two began looking for a job. It wasnt that people
didnt want to hire a two year old but they all wanted at least three
years experience.......... It was then that I regretted spending my
past two years in bed........ Although I was born iitf Chicago I began
attending school in New York. After a week I began getting tired
of traveling back and, forth though.........I was doing a card act at
the time. I was so engrossed in my magic that when in school the
tcacher ask me to count I would say, One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Jack, Queen, King ......... At the age of
seven I was the brightest pupil in the mentally deficient group.........
I stooTTnr the corner so much J had a triangular, forehead . . . . .
Bui then Ihe lure of theTo7>tlights overcame me. TTwas'lhe most
natural"tiling in the world for me td~~go~~on the stage! 1 coukhrt
see" a thing From where~I~was sittin g ........... 1 entered a magic
ctnrtcsT at tlurlocaMheatre and walkecPofl' with all the medals--but the manager caught me at the door and made me put them
b ack ..........I did a twenty minute act---- ten minutes of magic
and ten minutes to apologize for the first ten m inutes............I
fmaHyclidwin a medal though. It was worth ten dollars and wasI proud of it! Every SundayT would take mv friends down to the
pawnshop to see i t .........Finally Homesickness and lack of money
brought" nil' bacK~fb my mothers side and until tho~age of fonl l
was tied~to my mothers apron strings] I duTht jn in d this at all
except when she sent the apron to the laundry . . TTTivlv ears usecT
to get caught in the wringer.......... A" year later I struck out for
myself once again and I can say that I earned my own living since I
was eleven years old. Before that I guess I was just a b u m .........
What times I had! They sure were hectic and when I say hectic I
mean exciting Eecause 1 dont know what hectic'"means . . . . .~!
Adolescence caught up with me as 1 was in Tlie inuRUe of a Boy
Scout test. Instead of trailing a deer through the quiet woodland,
I found myself trailing a dear down a quiet boulevard......... From
that time on I became a Girl Scout! . . . . I was at the in-between
age, too old for Castoria and too young for Serutan.........But I was
learning quickly. Already I knew that sloe-gin made some girls
fa s t.......... I was sent abroad to study----but she couldnt teach
me anything......... At the age of sixteen I entered Pawtucket Uni
versity in the state of Oblivion..........and four years later I grad
uated--- and became a Sophomore.........Ah! good old P. U............
It was there that I invented the revolutionary new airmail stamp that
got letters where they were going without an airplane. I put Gypsy
Rose Lees picture on the stamp and the letters took off by them
selves .......... I also had an invention that would make a girl six
inches shorter---- a hole in the ground.......... The hardest thing
I learned while at college was how to open beer bottles with a
quarter............But it was there that my cultured manner was
acquired but I gujbss thats oblivious.........Ill never forget Hie dnv
that I took mv first bath! Ill never forget the dav I-took my last
bath! ---- same dav! ...........Now, once a week I go over mvself
with an eraser and a whisk-broom...........
:
MY LIFE IN THE POST-SCHOOL ERA

or
DOESNT HE EVER STOP?
Upon leaving school I realized I would have to go to work. I
was too nervous to steal........At first I worked for a knife sharpener
hut I couldnt, stand the g rin d..........For a short time I was in the
artillery department of a pea cannery. I was in charge of shelling
the peas......... Then I got a job in which I had ten thousand people
Under m e--- 1 was watchman in a cemetery............In the sum
mertime I worked 011 a grape farm and during harvest time I would
tramp on the grapes with my feet to make wine. Suddenly though,
something happened that changed the course of my entire career
--- I developed fallen arches..........I turned to the glitter of Broad
way and show business and became an electrician in a Broadway
revue. It was one of those quick-change scenes with the stage all
dark. The star asked for her tights and I thought she said lights
.........Unemployed once again,! I tWrned to my first love, magic, and
was soon behind (he footlights once more. My first show was the
fastest I was ever in. A strip-teaser opened the show at 8 :10 and the
police closed it at 8:12.........The theatre was so small I took a bow
from the stage and hit my head on the balcony r a i l .......... Im not
saying the show was bad but even the empty seats got up and left
........ Half the audience would hiss me and the other half would ap
plaud--- the hissing........... Theres no doubt about it though, my
act was a success--- but the audience was a miserable failure........
Undaunted, I went on a personal appearance tour. I used to get a
lot of advance publicity from the pictures of me hanging in the towns
post office......... One day while playing Loggerhead, Pa. I played
all the big cities.......... there was a big crowd outside the theatre
shouting, We want (your name)! We want------- ! and if the
police hadnt arrived in time they would have got me too.........Even
the mice in the dressing rooms set traps for m e .......... Even so, I
would have made a terrific hit but the seats were bad in all the
theatres I played'--- they faced the stage.........I never had to worry
about transportation in those days. After every performance the
audience used to ride me out of town 011 a r a il......... By this time 1
was determined to go back to Harvard Medical School as Ex
hibit A ..........but then inspiration struck me (If you are playing
with a band have the drummer crash a cymbal here) and I soon
developed my rapid-fire comedy style and as a result was fired more
rapidly than ever before........ Ah! but I was on my way to stardom.
What an act I had! First I hypnotized my assistant into thinking
she was a canary, so I gave her .birdseed for breakfast, dinner and
supper--- then I went one better. I hypnotized her into thinking
she was a sparrow and let her find her own fo o d ......... It was sen
sational ! In the last theatre I played I had them rolling in the aisles
--- -until the manager came down and took the dice a w ay ..........
One triumph led to another and soon I found myself only five thous
and dollars in debt . . . . One grateful fan gave me a 112 piece after
dinner set--- a box of tooth-picks and a finger bowl . . . . . Just
the other night my agent threw me a big dinner---but it didnt
hit m e ........ You know what an agent is. Thats' a pick-pocket with
a license......... My fortune was made! I owned houses, stables. I
followed the horses--- with a shovel and broom .......... I even had
a yacht. I called it the Club
Sandwich-because it had three
decks.............I played to packed
houses in Washington and although
I didnt get my picture taken with the President I did have it taken
with a man who works right under h im ----the stoker of the
While House furnace.......... I even had a book dedicated to me.
It was called the Wisdom of Confucious and Bertram Hossinphefi'er
---Hossinphefi'er owned the typewriter.......... And then I returned

in triumph to Little Old New York where I was booked for one year
solid in the Boiler Room of the Hotel Astor........ Manhattan thats
where four hundred years ago
the Dutchcheated the Indians by
giving them twenty four dollars in junk for it. Since I came
back, the Indians have sent $4.(50 b a c k ........... And so, after all
these years in show business, I think Im the only one qualified to
tell which came first, the bird or the egg Ive got them both
..........At least I can say the wolfs not at my door any more ---no more door!
MY IMPRESSION OF AN EVENING WITH A
PUSH-BUTTON RADIO
Once again we salute all you millions of radio fans and fannies
........... This is station N-U-T-S broadcasting on a hookup of (52
kilocycles, 38 motorcycles and 2 bicycles......... And now we bring
you the news of the week. Flash! Sears Roebuck catalogue resumes
pre-war thickness farm boys again begin to learn the facts of
l i f e ........... Albany, New York Miss Nancy Taylor reported to
police the loss of twenty dollars today. She said the money was
concealed in her stocking and the loss was discovered soon after the
departure of a vacuum cleaner salesman who had been demonstrat
ing his lin e .........Shapeless, Mass............. Man found shot, stabbed,
poisoned and hung--- police suspect foul p la y ............. Schultzs
butcher shop reports that Mr. Schultz backed into his meat grinder
and so hes a little behind in his orders........ And now our weekly
success story. Moe and Joe, two brothers, worked hard all their
lives to make a fortune. Finally Joe invented, a machine into which
you inserted a dime and a new7 wife came o u t .......... He made a
million dollars. But Moe---'Moe made ten million dollars. He
invented a machine into which you inserted a wife and a new dime
comes o u t........ I will now read you a letter from one of the many
satisfied users of Campbells Beans. Dear Sirs: for fifteen years
1 have been bed-ridden but after using your product I find I cant stay
in bed for more than five minutes at a time ........The band will now
play our theme song Without A Word of Warning ........... The
first selection of our weekly poetry liour will be Dont Worry About
the Woodpile Mother, Father W ill Come Home With A Load On
.......... At intersections look each way, a harp sounds nice but its
hard to play............ Gypsy Rose dressed very thin, Gypsy Rose sat
on a pin, Gypsy Rose..............Svengali Life Insurance Company;
Gentlemen: You havo asked me to fill out so many proofs of claims,
forms and questionaires and I have had so much trouble getting
m y m o n e y that I sometimes wish my husband hadnt died.
.......... Flash!- Leading fashion experts declare that women are
wearing the same thing in brassieres this year........... Men! Did you
wake up with a grouch this morning?or did
sheget up ahead of
y o u ? .......... And now the answer to our jack-pot question of last
week. The question: Whos forty three and sleeps with cats? The
Answer: Mrs. Katz.............. Use N EPO the new super laxative.
NEPO spelled backwards is open...........Remember, when all others
fail NEPO will triumph in the end.............. Women factory workers
attention!!! My advice to you is this. If the sweater is too big for
you, look out for the machines If youre too
bigfor thesweater,
look out for the m e n ...........Do you see spots in front of your
eyes? Then use Eigens Irish Eyelash Dye and see the spots in tech
nicolor .......... And now we bring you the Loan Arranger brought
to you by the Simon LeGree Finance Company........... Our guest
tonight will be Sliyloclc H olm es.......... Girls! There may be a
destiny that shapes our ends but temporarily put your faith in
Stretcho Girdles . . . . Remember When your love begins to cur
dle, youd better buy yourself a girdle.......... Calling all cars in the
vicinity of (local neighborhood). Calling all cars in the vicinity of
..................... Counterfeit ten dollar bills being distributed in your
district. Be careful in accepting bribes---- Calling car 33. Call
ing car 33. Go to the corner o f --------- and ----------- and
break up crap games between cars 67 and 6 8 . . . . . . Use Sinko Soap
It doesnt float, it doesnt smell nice, it doesnt clean, break in two
or bubbletit just keeps you company in the bath-tub..........Dear
Mr. Agony..........Ten years ago I sent my husband out for a loaf
of bread and he hasnt returned since. What shall I do? Dear
Madam: Dont wait any longer, send out. for another loaf of bread
.......... Calling car 62. Calling car 62. Wipe off your windshield.
Somebody is stealing your radiator c a p ......... Calling all cars. Call
ing all cars. Go to the lobby of the Hotel (local hotel). Hedy Lamaar standing there with hat on. That is a l l ..........Girls, has fate
played you a dirty trick?--- Has nature been unkind to you?---Are you flat-chested?--- Well, make your torso-morso.......... Our
motto is What The Lords Forgotten We Stuff With Cotton . . . .
Try Uptons Uplifting Uplifts they make mountains out of mole
hills !
10
THE SAGA OF DAISY

or
I GO OUT WITH GOOD GIRLS I CANT AFFORD
THE OTHER KIND
Ill never forget the first time I met her- and dont think I
havent tried......... I wont say how it happened but it sure cured
me of whistling........ I was at a New Years party when the effects
of seventeen MololofT Cocktails took their toll. Slowly I collapsed
to the floor and there she w a s .......... lying under a table with a
Coolidge button tightly clasped in her little h a n d ......... The aroma
of faint perfume clung tenderly to her Schenley No. f> ............
I say faint perfume because it made you want to do just that.........
She looked beautiful that night she looked as ii' she had just
stepped out of Vogue--- and fell flat on her fa c e ........... Like a
Powers model who had lost most of her power........ I knew at once
she was a lady she had just come out of a room marked that . . . .
She always traveled with the upper set the lower set she kept in
a glass of water......... I know, I saw them one day 011 her dresser
with a cigar between them........ Ah! but those lips, those ears, those
cheeks, that eye.......... She had everything that Betty Grable has
only she had it thirty years longer......... She had lips like petals
petals on a bicycle........... A school-girl complexion with big diplo
mas under her eyes.......... She had shiny black hair and nails to
m atch........... And her teeth! They were like sparkling water
Seven U p ........ There were so many cavities in her teeth she talked
with an echo........... For years I wondered why she wore such
wrinkled stockings then I found out she wasnt wearing any . . . .
She was the only girl who could really say she got her good looks
from her father. He was a plastic surgeon......... She didnt make
iij) her face, she assembled i t .........Someone once said she had the
face of a child. That may have been so but she was getting it aw
fully wrinkled..........I dont think even the child wanted it back
..........And what a figure! The only thing a sweater did for her
was to keep her w arm ......... If it wasnt for her Adams apple she
wouldnt have had any figure at a l l ......... She was so fat she could
answer the front door without leaving the kitchen........... Every
time she walked past a drug-store the scales jumped inside..........
One day she was dressed all in green and when she accidentally
yawned, somebody stuck a letter in her m o u th .......... She used to
be in show business. She did a novelty act in which she sang a
duet all by herself........ She said she was thirty at the time. Well,
thirty is a nice age for a woman especially if she happens to be
fifty .......... All I have to say is, she will never1 be as old as she
looked.......... Why, she was so old she knew Madame Butterfly when
she was a caterpillar.......... In those days she used to do an acrobatic
act, and what a climax she had. She used to lean over backwards
and pick up her handkerchief with her teeth. For an encore she
used to pick up her teeth........ I asked her if she would be free that
11
evening. She said no but shed be reasonable..........So we visited

her parents. Her familys in the iron and steel business. Her mother
irons and her father---- lies a swell g u y ............They were put
out of their house so much they got curtains to match the sidewalks
......... It wasnt really her fathers fault. He was just superstitious.
He wouldnt work any week that had a Friday in i t ......... And Ill
never forget how proud I was the day she graduated from school
reform school........... We used to stroll in the woods and pick
flowers. Occasionally her little brother would follow us and then
we had to pick flow ers.............. I called her Daisy because she grew
wild in the woods.......... She never liked swimming, it made her
feet too big. She never liked tennis, it made her arms too big. She
never liked horseback riding, i t .......... She once went out with a
gu!y she thought was the strong silent type. Then she found out
he was suffering from Halitosis and had to keep his mouth shut
.........She said she was an old-fashioned girl and drank a dozen of
them (o convince h im ......... They went to the zoo and there was a
sign there saying Please Dont Feed the Animals ---- so he
put her dow n......... She was so sentimental. Every night I would
take her little hand in mine--- and twist it until she dropped the
k n ife .......... And every Christmas she hung up her stockings for
Santa Claus and all she ever got in them was a summons from
the Board of Health........ One day she found a man in her bedroom
and she gave him twenty four hours to get o u t ........... But then
tragedy struck. I still remember that last day when I asked her
if I could kiss her hand and she looked at me so sweetly and said,
Whassa matter, is my mouth dirty? .........She said she was going
to lose fifty pounds in two weeks. I didnt think she could do it but
in two weeks she went down from 200 to 150 pounds- casket
and a ll........They found $5000 sewed in her bustle. Thats an awful
lot of money to leave behind........ You know' what a bustle is. Its
nothing but a deceitful seatful......... Now every Sunday I visit her
grave with that tender inscription upon the head-stone She Was
Just A Communists Daughter, But Everyone Got His Share.
PATTER ROUTINE FOR CLIPPER
(This is that old-timer in which you fold a strip of newspaper
in half and clip off the folded end. When you again open the
strip it is found to be completely restored. The trick is now being
sold under several different names such as Clipper, Clippo, Clipp-it,
Snip-o, etc. The dealer from which you obtained this book prob
ably has it in stock. You may make your own trick by simply
cutting out one complete want ad column from your local newspaper
and spreading a thin layer of good grade rubber cement over the
entire length of it. When it has half dried, dust talcum powder over
the rubber cement and then remove the excess powder. From a
distance this prepared strip will never be noticed. The trick is
self-working for the pressure of the scissors snipping the end off
automatically seals the paper together again. Follow the directions
12
carefully as to just when to cut and when to open the strip of paper.)
(Have prepared strip of paper and scissors in your pocket when
you come out on stage.) I just got in from Florida the other day
and helieve me that place is wonderful. In one week youre well
enough to go back to work and poor enough to have t o ...........
I was living in a boarding house down there but finally the land
lady asked me to leave. She knew I was a bachelor and one night
she heard me drop my shoes on the floor--- twice........... I had
lived there two years but I was going to leave anyway. I just dis
covered they didnt have any bath-tub...........When I arrived in
(name of your town) I didnt realize there was such a housing short
age. Rooms are so scarce the only way to get a place to live in is
to get arrested..........Its so crowded even the ghosts cant find a
house to h au n t........... Some hotels are even installing gold fish
bowls in telephone booths and renting them out as room and bath
......... I finally got to a hotel and asked them if they had my reser
vation. They said yes, they had my reservation, but they didnt
have any room s......... I asked the clerk if he could get me a suite
for five dollars so he gave me a Hershey bar . . . . At times I
think I was born under the No Vacancy sig n.......... Finally they
gave me a room at the O.P.A. stealing price.......... What a room!
They advertise ice water in every room but I didnt expect it to be
up to my knees..........They told me it would have a twelve piece
bed-room set. It had a twelve piece bed-room set alright. A pic
ture frame, a picture, a pane of glass, a wire and a nail to hang it
with, a hair brush and sixi bristles......... The room had a very .high
ceiling---that is until the elevator came dow n...........Everything
in it was imported. The clocks came from Switzerland, the lace
from Belgium, the glassware from Holland and the silverware from
Horn &Hardart.........They advertised feather beds in every room.
There were three of us in the room and every hour we changed places
so that everyone had a chance to sleep on the feather...........That was
too much. I decided to find a room by looking in the classified ad
section of the (local newspaper). (Take out strip of newspaper and
scissors and pretend to begin reading it.) Ah! Heres one. Thirtyfourth Street and Sixth Avenue. Two room suite in R. H. Macys
window......... open exposure . . . . handy to shopping . . . . plenty
of window space .......Well, thats one way to keep in the publics
eye but I thought I would be a little too much in it, so I decided
to eliminate it. (Fold the strip of newspaper and snip off the folded
end with the scissors. Now open it and profess surprise at its resoration.) Maybe this would do. Star Drug Store. Vacant phone
booth . . . . electric fan . . . . hand}7 to luncheonette . . . . free electric
light . . . . just perfect for an upright tenant . . . . Well, this was
promising but after some consideration I decided to cut it out.
(Again snip off folded end and restore.) The next one reads, Four
teenth Precinct Jail. Single rooms only.........Long term lease nec
essary . . . . fascinating neighbors . . . . theyll slay you . . . .
This was a little too confining for my tastes and so once again I
eliminate it. (Snip off and restore) By this lime I was running
13
around in circles (Cut a U shaped piece out of the folded end.

Simply start at one corner and cut down and around until you reach
the other corner. Upon opening the strip you will have a round
hole in the paper, held together by the two side portions of the
paper. Practice this a bit and it will come easily to you.) and my
nerves were becoming jagged. (Cut a zig-zag line across the folded
end and when the paper is opened it will he held together by jagged
edges.) I was even ready to go to (Cut the folded end from a point 1 \
/->
inches down on one side up to the corner of the other side. In other
words, at a 45 degree angle so that when the paper is opened up it
will be in the form of an L.) L to find a room. Hut the next ad
proved to be available and so I snipped it out (Snip end and show
restored) and then tore the paper apart, confident that I wouldnt
have to use it anymore. (Pull the two pieces apart and hold in
each hand during the following gags.) I finally found the place but
it was more spooky than the sewers of Paris. At least the sewers
of Paris have running water.........Well, I shouldnt say that. The
room had running w ater----- when the ceiling le a k e d ............The
place had air-conditioning though. When the conditions were right.

I had a ir .......... My room was so small I couldnt brush my teeth
sideways--- 1 had to brush them up and dow n........... Every time
I b li n k e d m y ey es I w a s h e d th e w i n d o w s ................ I e v e n h a d to g o
into the next room to change my mind . . . . But even so I had one
of the better rooms. Mine had a window in i t ..........As you came
in there was a big sign facing you saying Dont Slam the Door
Its Holding Up the Walls ......... To get hot water you banged on
th e w a t e r p ip e s w i t h a h a m m e r to le t th e j a n i t o r k n o w y o u w a n t e d
h o t w a t e r -------- a n d th e j a n i t o r b a n g e d r i g h t b a c k w i t h a w r e n c h to
let you know you werent going to get i t ......... When I rented the
room they said it overlooked the park. From where I was it looked
as if it overlooked it completely........ But the windows did overlook
a nudist camp. I guess you might say it was a room with sudden
exposure............They had beautiful winding staircase downstairs.
Every morning I could hear them going down to wind it up again

........Talk about the straw that broke the camels back. I Avas sleep
ing on it last nig ht......... They said it was a bed that Paul Revere
had slept in. From th e w a y it sagged i n t h e middle h i s h o r s e must
luwe s le p t t h e r e w i t h h i m ......... The l a n d l a d y b o u g h t a l l t h e f u r n i
t u r e i n m y r o o m A v itli s o a p c o u p o n s .
She s p e n t most o f h e r t i m e in
m y r o o m b e c a u s e the o t h e r r o o m s Avere s o f u l l o f s o a p s h e c o u l d n t
get any furniture into th e m ..........But I finally had to leave. She
kept her wardrobe in my room for so long I finally A ve n t up to her
and said, Mrs. Nussbaum, would you kindly take your chest out of
my room? ......... Landladies are nice avI i c i i you first move in but
l e t a y e a r o r so g o b y A v ith o u t p a y in g y o u r r e n t a n d y o u r e t h r o w n
o u t .............. I lo o k e d a t m y t o r n w a n t a d c o lu m n a n d d e c id e d to d o
my
best
to
put
it
to g e th e r
a g a in .
s im p ly h e ld
th e
tw o
s tr ip s
to g e th e r , c u t a n o t h e r a d o u t a n d p r e s t o ! th e p a p e r Avas r e s to r e d a n d
s in c e th e n
Ive
been
c u t t in g Avant ad s
( s u it
your
a c tio n s
to
your
Avords f o r th e p ro c e e d in g s e n te n c e ) i n th e lo o n e y A vard o f th e ( l o c a l
14
EXCYCLOPEDIA OF PATTER
asylum). At last I had found a room. (Keep cutting and restoring

the paper as you make your exit.)
(If you wish to shorten this routine you may omit everything
up to where the actual cutting begins. M. C.s may adopt this
patter for a complete housing shortage routine by omitting the
references to cutting; etc.)
SHE WAS ONLY A CARNIVAL QUEEN BUT SHE SURE
MADE A LOT OF CONCESSIONS
The first time I ever saw her was at the annual meeting of the
Sing Sing Alumni Association--- Class of 36. She was the most
popular girl there. Of course thats not saying much. Nowadays
the only difference between a popular and an unpopular girl is
simply one says yes and the other says n o .........She was just a little
country girl who always went out with city fellows because farm
hands were too rough......... Shes as pretty as a picture and has a
frame to m atch.........She has a remarkable ])rofile all the way
down . . . . I dont remember ever having really met her. I .just
opened my billfold and there she w as........ They called her carefree
- she didnt care as long as it was free . . . . Romance was in the
air. My heart was in the clouds, and her hand was in my pocket
......... She was one of those shy, demure girls The kind you have
to whistle at twice . . . . She asked me if I wanted to dance. I said,
I dont dance, but Id love holding you while you do .......... She
cant really dance so well but can she intermission! ..........She bad
hips like Mae West, legs like Betty Grable and her face----- Gosh,
I forgot to' look at her face . . . . She said she was a movie actress.
If thats so only two good things have ever come out of Hollywood
and she had both of them . . . . She had only one problem in life.
How to show a lot of herself and a lot of expensive clothes at the
same tim e........ She had on something new. A barbed wire dress
it protects the property without obstructing the v ie w ............It

showed everything but good taste . . . . She said she paid a shocking
price for the dress but that was only fair. It was a shocking dress
..........She also had 011 a beautiful mink coat! I still dont know
whether she got it to keep her warm or quiet . . . . I asked her where
she would meet me that night and she said half-Avay . . . . So we
went to her house and sat in the living room to listen to the radio.
Her kid brother followed us in so we had to listen to the radio . . . .
I tried to get rid of him by offering him a quarter to go to the
movies. He said, Dont be a sucker. Heres a half-dollar, let me
stay and watch ......... The next day I came around again with my
mind made up to stay at home but she had her face made lip to go
o u t .......... So we Avent to the beach. I was having a swell time
teaching her how to swim until the life guard came along and
made us go into the water . . . . Shes supposed to be the cream of
society but whenever I talk to her she curdles............I used to
make love to her overt the phone. Finally too many people objected
and we had to get out of the booth . . . . But then I began to find
15
out about her. She began going out with an accomplished author
and I began wondering how much he was accomplishing..........She
knew so many sailors she didnt keep a diary anymoreit was more
like a ships log . . . . The Navy Department even stationed an S. P.
in her vestibule . . . . . And then came the last straw. She got mar
ried. She was so used to having things done for her that she married
a man with five kids........ I told her I was going to inherit a fortune
from my father when he died so what do you think happened?
Shes my m other!..........She was so pleased with the wedding she
could hardly wait till the next o n e .......... Of course theres a lot
to be said in her favor but its not nearly as interesting.......... So
now you see why Im forgetting women. In fact, Im for getting
some as soon as possible...............
COMEDY SONG TITLES
(When introducing a vocalist about to sing you can use one of
these titles or use them in one of your routines. Several of them
may be strung together by simply emphasizing OR after each title.)
I (He, She) will now sing that perennial favorite:
Ill Re Seizing You In All The Old Familiar Places.
Go Into The Roundhouse Nellie, He Cant Corner You There.
Dont Raise The Bridge Gateman, Lower The Water.
I Want A Girl, Just Like The Girl, That Married Harry James.
Mother, Please Dont Point Father At Me; He Might Be Loaded
Again.
PATTER FOR THE RETURNED SERVICEMAN
(Now that so many entertainers are being released from service I
felt that a special routine for the returned serviceman would be
appropriate. Those of you who did your job on the home front may
use this routine by substituting some friend of yours or member
of the show as the leading character in it. The older men can change
the material a little and use it as their experiences in the last war.
I found that the audiences are really lapping this up and you will do
well to add it to your act.
As some of you may know Ive just left the all-star show staged
by Uncle Sam. That show played every corner of the world and
had the largest cast in history. Although the reviews havent all
been printed yet I think it made quite an impression upon some of
its audiences. After (time of service) of service Ive seen quite a
few sights and I think you might be interested in hearing about some
of them. You know, at the age of six I opened by little mouth and
momentous w'ords came forth, Mama, I said I was just put into
1A. At that time little did I know7 that 20 years later I would again
open my mouth and say, Mama, I was just put into A l ...........
I joined the army for three reasons: 1 . I wanted to defend my coun
If)
try. 2. I knew it would build me up physically. 3. They came and

got m e ..........I went in as something of a celebrity. My draft board
voted me the most likely to succeed........ All my friends called me

a coward because I quit the 0. P. A. to become a paru-trooper . . . .
The first thing they did in cam]) Avas give me a physical. At the
time they told me to watch my P s and Qs --- 1 had my hands full
holding up my B. V. D.s . . . . When you first come into the army

they tell you to stop thinking. They say that theyre going to do
all the thinking for you--- and youd be surprised at the things
those people can think o f ........... In a short time I gained sixty
pounds. Two pounds of flesh and fifty-eight pounds' of equipment
......... They gave me a rifle that Aveighed 8.08 pounds. After I car
ried it for a few hours I thought the decimal point had dropped out . . .
Then they made me take a hair-cut. They have two prices for the
G. I. haircuts, 25 and 50c. With the fifty cent one they take oil
your h a t ........... W ith the twenty-five cent one they take oil' your
h ead..........Across the street Avas another barber shop advertising

G I. Haircuts Repaired-75c ..........And the food in that camp
Avas absolutely poison--- and such small p o r tio n s !...............One

day I Avas late for roll call and the sergeant came over to me and
said in a Avell modulated snarl, Well, its nice to see you soldier.
W e had so feared you had signed a separate peace ...........I finally
Avas s e n t to a s c h o o l d o w n South f o r a d v a n c e t r a i n i n g .
That s c h o o l
Avas s o adAra n c e d that o n e d a y I d r o p p e d a p e n c i l a n d by the time
I had picked it up I had .missed a year of solid geom etry........... I
e s p e c i a l ly l i k e d t h o s e s o u t h e r n girls A v ith t h e i r s o u t h e r n d r a w l s .
You a s k e d o n e o f t h e m f o r a k i s s a n d b e f o r e she c o u l d s a y no i t was
too late........ One day I dialed a number thinking I Avas calling one
of them and began to sound off as to just Avhat Avas Avrong Avith
army life. When I had ripped the army into shreds the voice on the
other end asked, Do you know avIio this is? Before I could ansAver
it said, This is Colonel Smith, your commanding officer. I thought
a moment and then asked, Do you know avIio this is? The Col
onel said, No Avhereupon I answered, Thank God, and hung up
..............I AAa s s t a n d i n g g u a r d d u t y o n e n i g h t A v h en a s o l d i e r c a m e up
to me Avithout his identification card. Although he protested vehe
mently I Avouldnt let him pass, just as the book said. Finally he
screamed at me, Do you know Avhat these mean? and he pointed
to tAvo stars on liis shoulders. But he couldnt fool me; I was too
smart for him. Sure, I snapped right back, Youve got t w o sons
in the service . . . . W hile a civilian I always admired the Avay the
army kept its buildings so nice and clean. I didnt find out until I
got in avIio keeps them so nice and c le a n ............ I Avas the only
soldier to get a Purple Heart for housemaids knee . . . . But finally
we got our marching orders and set out by railroad for the coast.
It Avas one of those progressive railroads. They couldnt raise the
AvindoAvs of the train so they air-conditioned the c a r s ...........Those
trains Avere so late Ave saAv a troop of Confederates passing iis on
the A vay to Gettysburg........... In fact I think they even mentioned
troop trains in the Bible. It said, The Lord made every creeping
thing ......... The train Avas so croAvded Avith government big shots
17
and brass that finding sleeping room was a problem. We finally

decided that the most important person, a General, should sleep in
a lower berth. One less famous in an upper berth, and next on a
sofa, the next on a chair and so on. Im not saying where I slept
but I was the first one to brush my teeth in the morning . . . . . All
night long all I beard was Clickety-clack, clickety-elack, clieketvclack. Finally seeing I couldnt get any sleep I got up and joined
the crap gam e......... We invented a new dice game that night. It
was called Lana Turner because everybody makes passes...........
When we got to the coast we were packed into a transport and soon
we were on our way to the Pacific. Did I have a rough time going
overseas! I suffered from sea-sickness and lock-jaw ---- both at
the same tim e.........While on the ship we heard about the terrible
privations the civilians at home were enduring. There was a rumor
that there was such a shortage of gas the motorists had to push
their cars over pedestrians . . . . In no time at all we arrived in the
Reform Islands. They called them the Reform Islands because the
natives were always turning over a new leaf . . . . It was there that
we saw our first Jap Zero. They werent so much. In fact those
Jap Zero planes were just like a pair of step-ins. It took only one
Yank to bring them d ow n.......... Incidentally, I was the one who
made the record-breaking parachute jump of 1 0 ,0 0 0 feet. I dont
care about the record--- I just want to know what wiseguv wrote
Gentlemen on the bomb-bay d o o r........... We used to sing a song
dedicated to the para-troops, It Dont Mean A Thing If You Dont
Pull That Siring ..........After a few months I got a pass and went
into town. I asked one of the natives, Are there any nice girls in
this town? She said, All the girls in this town are nice. So a
half hour later I arrived in Hie next to w n ......... It was there that
I met her. They called her the Otficers Mess because she was always
stewed..........It was love at first sight. I only had a twenty-four
hour pass.......... She said she wanted a vine covered cottage with
little things crawling on the floor. I thought we should have chil
dren too though.......... Finally I asked her father for her band in
marriage and I never realized how much he liked me until he warned
me not to marry her . . . . In plain words I asked for her hand and
got his foot in return . . . . Slowly we became aware of the strike
situation even though we were thousands of miles from the U. S. A.
I had a picket following me for months until I began to wear union
suits.......... Speaking of union suits it got so cold on the islands
at night that I used to wear six suits of red flannel underwear at one
time. Boy, was I flap-happy........ And then I returned to the States
in triumph. I was decorated for saving the lives of an entire regi
ment. I shot the cook......... On the return trip I discovered there
were places even foggier than London. In fact one place I was in
was so foggy I dont even know where it was . . . . When I landed
in the States I went right up to a Major General standing on the
pier and spit right in his face. I had to, his mustache was on fire
......... I cant really say I enjoyed my stay in the army, none of lis
did. We saw a job that had to be done and done well. I can only
say that it was a privilege to be able to fight for a cause that is true
18
and a land that is free. After the smoke of battle and the mist of
war have cleared away though I can think of only one thing to
say I gave the best years of my wife to my country.
CARD FAN PRODUCTION FINALE
(After you have produced several fans of cards from your suppos
edly empty hand use this one for cute ending.)
Recite:
Last night I held a little hand
So dainty and so sweet,
I thought my heart would surely break
So w ildly did it beat.
No other hand in all the world
Can greater solace bring
Than the pretty hand I held last night
Four Aces and a King!
(As you speak this last line make your last production and throw
the cards away from you as you make your bow. If the stage is
well back from the audience you may use any cards but if you are
working close-up be sure to have four aces and a king for your last
fan.)
BURLESQUE
or
SHE STRIPPED FOR A BARE EXISTENCE
I went to the (local burlesque house) theatre the other night.
Their shows are recommended for the family but not your own . . . .
The night I was there they featured the music of Minsky Korsets-off
. . . . They had a revue of twenty girlsten costumes . . . . Every
night they came out and paraded around the stage barefoot up to
their chins . . . . The star of the show was Maria Matzolis . . . She
was only a tree surgeons daughter but she had the best limbs in
the show . . . . She spent the best years of her life being seen in
the right places---in other words a strip-teaser........... When the
show opened she was inexperienced but now' shes outstripping
them a ll......... They offered her a hundred dollars a week to come
out dressed with only a feather. In no time at all she was making
two hundred dollars a w eek.......... She does an unusual dance in
which she loses several pounds every performance. Several pounds
of clothing.......... Its sort of a modernistic fan dance she uses
an electric fan . . . . After the show I asked her if it didnt embarass her to go out before so many people with no clothes on.
She said, No, I was born that way .......... But I give her credit.
Shes one woman who brings home the bacon--- one strip at a
tim e ......... She drove her doctor crazy trying to vaccinate her in a
19
place where it wouldnt show . . . .I n the last act a chorus girl who
was late ran out onto the stage with nothing on but nobody even
noticed the difference..........Speaking of chorus girls I once knew
two chorus girls who absent-mindedly undressed in front of an open
hotel window. One caught a bad cold the other a rich bachelor
.........Last week there was a fire in the chorus girls dressing room
and it took the firemen five hours to put it out. One hour to put
the fire out and four hours to put the firemen out.
I GO IN SEARCH OF FOOD
or
WHY?
I just ate in a little restaurant in town called the Chez Paree
--- thats French for Shapiro.......... When you walk into the place
you go down two steps literally and socially.......... I wont say
its a clip joint but the only thing you can get for a quarter in there
is twenty cents......... They have blue mirrors all over the place so
when you see your check you dont turn p a le ............Its really
swanky though, they even have monogrammed napkins. At least
I thought they were monogrammed napkins until my monogram
crawled away . . . . Business was so good they had the ropes up
the bosses hung themselves . . . . As I entered the place I asked
a waitress, Do you serve crabs in here? She looked at me and
said, Sit down, we serve anybody ......... Then I asked her where
the menu was and I had walked all the way to the back of the res
taurant before I realized she had misunderstood m e .......... I never
saw such crooks! On the way back to my table I bent over to tie
my shoelaces. Someone jacked me up and stole my shoes..........
They have a wonderful Chinese cook there. His American name is
Sneeze thats because they call him Ah Chou back in China
. . . . He baked pies that everyone raved about. Well, nearly every
one, the rest just foamed at the m outh .......... He serves the most
delicious tea in the city which would be allright only the menu says
its soup . . . . The restaurant is famed for its wonderful 8 course din
ner for 15c seven baked beans and a finger-bowl . . . They also
have a special every day. All you can eat for $5-1- alka-seltzer
extra.......... I looked at the menu and had already ordered two
plates of Guiseppie Vercilli when I found out it was the name of the
proprietor..........I settled for soup but when I got it there was a
big fly in the middle of it. I called over the waitress and told her
about it but all she did was lean over and whisper, Shlih, everybody
wrill want one . . . . Well, I called over another waitress and com
plained about the fly and all she said was, What do you expect
for a dime, elephants? .........By this time I was furious and went
over to the manager and told him there was a fly in my soup. He
just shook his head and said. Pliui, waitll you see the coffee . . . .
Forgetting the soup I ordered wild duck but the waitress said she
was all out of it. She did say she could get me a tamed duck and
20
annoy it though.......... As a last resort I ordered a steak and believe

me its tough when you have to pay two dollars for a steak. When
you only pay one dollar its tougher......... I told the waitress I was
hungry enough to eat a horse and ten minutes later I was sorry I
opened my m outh..........At first I didnt see the steak but then I
moved a French fried potato and there it was . . . . Confidentially
I think that steak was making a comeback . . . . It was so lougli I
couldnt stick the fork in the gravy . . . . The waitress said the steak
was smothered in onions. It iastcd as if it died a hard death . . . .
I asked her to call the manager but she said, Dont be silly lie
wont eat it either ..........While I was wailing for dessert I read
some of the signs they had on the wall. One read There Are No
Rais In. This Restaurant. If thats the truth they have the biggest
mice in town.......... Over the cash register they have a. sign that
says, We Have An Agreement With The Rank, We Dont Cash
Checks If They Dont Sell Hamburgers . . . . . Right in front of me
was one reading Watch Your Hat And Coat. So I watched
my hat and coat and somebody stole my cup of coffee . . . . So I got
up and left the waitress a nickle tip. She just looked at me disgust
edly and said, What are you trying to do, seduce me? . . . . Rut
its really a swell place. Id rather go there than eat and I
usually do.
MAGICDOTES
Senator Claghorn (a noted southern legislator) says he never goes
to see a magician unless he has a confederate in the audience. A
Confederate, that is.
A magician was eating a rabbit stew in a restaurant one day
when it suddenly didnt agree with him and he hurriedly left the
room. A waiter who was watching the incident chuckled to himself
and said, Thats the first time I ever saw a rabbit make a magician
disappear.
Have you beard about the magician who walked down Broadway
and turned into a drug store?
Orson Welles tells of the gushing feminine admirer of a noted
magician who rushed up to him one day and said, Mr. --------I think youre m a r v e 1 o u s and your tricks are so mystifying.
Ive never seen anything like it beforeespecially the one in which
you make a bird cage disappear up your sleeve.
I once knew a girl who said she did card tricks. She wasnt
very good at sleight of hand but she sure could make the jack dis
appear.
21
MY BOSS
or
MY BUDDY WITH THE FRINGE ON THE TOP
(Use your best judgment on this routine, I know more than one
entertainer who went looking for a job after he realized that his
boss didnt have the sense of humor he was supposed to have. Parts
of the following can also be used against male hecklers.)
I get paid weekly here very weakly..........My contract is so
Es^nall I had to sign it in short h a n d ..........I get exactly (cough or
^lear your throat) dollars a w eek.......... cold cashI call it cold
g pjrash because I never have it long enough, to warm it u p .........Last
7.: c*veck I made up my mind to get a new contract so I tore up my old
yne and walked up to my boss and said, Mr. Penny-Pincher, (If you
, ; ,-jdont like the job use his right name) I demand a new contract.
pHe was very nice about it he stayed up all night with me while
I pasted the old one back together again.......... He throws niekles
5i\9around like manhole covers........... Hes so cheap he carries his
j; y wifes false teeth with him to keep her from eating between meals
l'j ^ .........Everytime I shake hands with him I count my fingers...........
o "'Whenever a customer walks away forgetting his change he taps
2 ? q wildly on the counter with a sponge to attract their attention . . . .
U All lie thinks about is money. Every successful venture puts a new
wrinkle in his face. What I want to know is, how can one face
P
be so successful?..........He has so many wrinkles on his forehead
he has to screw his hat on . . . . His ears arc so big he looks like
s3* a taxi with both doors open . . . . Hes the only guv I know who
would marry Hedy Lamaar for her money . . . . When he was first
married he knew where his wife kept her nieklesthen he found
out where the maids quarters w ere......... He may lie old but lies
still in there pinching...........One day he took one of the chorus
girls for a ride in a taxi and she was so beautiful he could hardly
keep his eyes on the meter . . . . Last week he saw a big sign adver
tising the fastest leg show in town. He went inside and in a minute he
came out yelling he was robbed. It* turned out to be a six day bike
race . . . Hes really a nice fellow though, has a heart of gold and
teeth to match . . . . Every night he sleeps with his head in a safe
. . . . . The sweetest thing I can say about him is that he has B. 0.
. . . . At this time I wish to1 announce the fact that the opinions ex
pressed in the foregoing monologue are not necessarily those of my
self or my agent.............
THE VALUE OF MONEY
or
ARE YOU KIDDING?
wnat good is money anyway? Can it buy you health? Can it
buy you love? Of course Im talking about confederate money . . . .
Money doesnt always bring happiness. A man with ten million
22
dollars is no happier than a man with nine million dollars . . .

They say marriage without love is misery blit the way I figure it, if
I have money at least I can pick the kind of misery I want to live
with the rest of my lif e ..........One day I was standing outside the
Hotel (Local hotel), incidentally thats where I live---outside the
Hotel-------- . . . . and I was watching all those people roll up
in big limousines with diamond rings and fur coats. Do you think
theyre happy?--- Youre damned right they are.......... But whats
money? Money stinks!--- but I dont mind its sm ell...........
A CROOKS TOUR OF HOLLYWOOD
Hollywood thats where they get married for better or for
worse, but not for lo n g ......... They divorce so often out there that
they put in the marriage ceremony the words, Whom California
hath joined, let not Nevada put asunder . . . . All they do out there
is gamble. A friend of mine runs a floating dice game in Hollywood
he uses ivory soap for cubes......... cleans u p ............and there
are only two kinds of pedestrians the quick and the dead..........
Everybodys trying to make money. Even the directors are always
trying to make a little extra 011 the side . . . . Theyre installing
barber poles in the studios to remind the girls of all the close
shaves theyve had . . . . I made a picture out there. It was called
Murder in the Telephone Booth or Your Party has been Disconnect
ed ......... I did most of my work in the picture sitting down---thats where I shine......... When it was released it was so bad even
the ushers avoided i t ........ However I did do a personal appearance
with it and drew a line two blocks long. It might even have been long
er but the manager come out and took my chalk away . . . . They
showed my picture on the outside of the theatre to drive people in
. . . . I just heard Ray Milland was given! four roses by the distillers
of America for his performance in the Lost Week-end. Thats noth
ing --- the breweries of America voted me the Hop-of-the-Week
...........Theyre always building Ray Milland up as such a great
actor. Why Ray Milland and I both have the same peculiar style
of acting only mines more peculiar.......... While in Hollywood I
was responsible for the success of the picture Love Letters though.
I licked the stamps . . . . But Im happy to say that the studios are
making money wT
ith my films. Theyre cutting them up into small
pieces and selling them for guitar picks.
PATTER FOR FEMALE MAGICIANS OR ASSISTANTS
(The lady magician has been completely neglected in magical litera
ture and to some extent I hope this will make up for previous slights.
This routine can be used by the female conjurer or by a girl assistant.
It is especially suited for a situation in which the magician must go
back-stage for a change of custume or load and while he is doing
this his girl assistant can be performing this short routine out front.)
23
It was in this very theatre four years ago that I met him. He
asked me if I wanted to go on a double date and I said yes, so be
brought another girl along......... The very first time he held me in
his arms something within me snapped. He thought it was war
time romance, but I knew it was war-time elastic..........I knew if
was lasting love and as he held me I said I was his body and soul
but he wanted to know what else I had to o ile r......... We went to
the movies one night to see Betty Grable and Lana Turner. The
usher came down and told him to stop smoking. I thought this
was peculiar because he didnt have a cigarette lit at the time . . . .
Then he said he was going to put his head 011 my shoulder. Up
till that time I didnt know it was o f f ..........He was so protective!
He always went with me to the dentist--- He said he wanted to
be sure he didnt pull anything.......... Oh, we had some quarrels
but he always patched things up again, my nose, my lips, my jaw
..........Soon our deep love had turned into friendship.............We
planned a run-away marriage. Everytime I planned, he ran away
. . : . . And then came that tragic night. I remember it so well be
cause bis liair looked so beautiful I asked him to wear i t ......... And
then he died in my arms. He had a bad cough and drank a bottle
of poison instead of a bottle of cough syrup. He had seen the skull
and crossbones on the label but he, thought one of the Smith Broth
ers had shaved.
INCOME TAX
or
GODS GIFT TO GOVERNMENT
I paid my income tax the other day. I had twenty different
books on HOW TO FILL OUT YOUR INCOME TAX FORM. They
tell you everything but where to get the money to pay i t ...........
I sent a letter to Washington suggesting an easier way to collect
income tax. Everybody would simply mail bis entire salary to the
government and they would send you a check each week to live 011
. . . . I had to divorce my wife last week because I couldnt support
her and the government on my salary..........And those tax forms!
I bear theres only one person in America who doesnt have to <111
out a form and thats Kate Sm ith.........They have something called
with-holding taxes 011 them. I wonder why they named them with
holding taxes. I can never with-hold a cent from them ......... And
Im still investing 10% in Avar blondes......... Getting big dividends
too . . . . Ive really got nothing to worry about though. Ive saved
the money to pay my income tax now all I have to do is borrow
enough to live on.
24
HANGOVER HEAVEN
The last nite-club I worked in was a little-out-of-the-way place
in (night club sector) in fact it was so out-of-the-way, even
the bosses havent been able to find it in five years......... Its called
Hangover Heaven.........It featured a stomach pump at every table
........It wasnt exactly a night club, it was more like an upholstered
sewer . . . . Floor shows at 11 and 2. After that they put the rug
over it . . . . They specialize in stews the place was full of them
. . . . In fact their motto was The Customer Is Always Tight . . . .
They had a three piece band there. They called it a three piece band
because that was all they knew . . . . Things were so expensive that
when a customer asked for the $3.50 dinner the Avaiter asked if
he Avanted it on white or rye . <. . They had a Western sandwich that
was really something. Two slices of bread Avith Avide open spaces
in between . . . . Their specialty was fried chicken that really tickles
your tongue. Maybe its because they dont take off the feathers
. . . . No cover charge. No minimum. No customers. No nothing
....... Business Avas so bad the cashier had sleeping sickness three days
before anyone noticed it . . . . One day a customer came in to change
a ten dollar bill and the boss A v a n t e d to make him a partner . . . .
Things got to the point where the waiters were dancing with the
bus-boys . . . . One night a vc had only one customer and yet we still
made money w e held him for ransom . . . . But they really had a
high class bar. They dont serve women at the bar, you haAe to
bring your own . . . . They had a drink called Atomic Zombie. One
drink of that stuff and you didnt have to wait till three oclock for
the lights to go out . . . They say that one swallow doesnt make a
spring but one swallow of that stuff and youll spring at anything
. . . . I finally had to leave the place because of sickness though the
boss got sick of looking at me.
CRIME DOESNT PAY AS MUCH AS IT USED TO
I must be getting famous. Why just the other day I Avalked
into a grocery store and before I knew it four clerks were shaking
my hand---so I took it out of the cash register . . . . Even the
p a n - h a n d l e r s a r e c a l l i n g m e b y m y f i r s t n a m e . . . . One o f t h e m
c a m e up to m e t h i s m o r n i n g a n d s a i d , Could y o u h e l p a f e l l o w
w h o s e w i f e i s out o f A v o r k ? . . . . A l i t t l e l a t e r h e s t o p p e d m e a g a i n
and s a i d h e d i d n t h a v e a b i t e i n three d a y s s o I b i t him . . . . I
s h o u l d n t t a l k a b o u t p a n - h a n d l e r s l i k e t h a t though.
My b r o t h e r
u s e d to b e a p a n h a n d le r .
He A vas a n i n t e r n e i n a h o s p i t a l . . . Hell
go d o w n i n h i s t o r y a s t h e o n l y man t u r n e d d o A v n b y e v e r y r e f o r m
s c h o o l in the c o u n t r y . . . .
He w a s s o bad avc used t o c a l l h i m
bingo because Ave knew h e d w i n d up A v it h a number . . . . While
h e w a s i n Washington h e f o l l o A v e d a f i g u r e i n a s l i n k y b l a c k g o A v n
fifteen b l o c k s b e f o r e h e d is co \ re r e d it A vas a s u p r e m e court j u s t i c e
. . . . I g u e s s he A v a s n t t o b l a m e f o r h i s a c t i o n s though.
He j u s t
t r i e d t o m a k e a n a m e for h i m s e l f o n l y h e used the A v r o n g namehe
25
was a forger . . . . For his trial he got the best lawyer in town. That
lawyer was so good lie once spent a whole evening trying to break a
girls will . . . . My brother was the only man in the world who
knew the exact moment lie was going to die the judge told him
. . . . His lawyer said hed handle the case as pretty as a, picture. He
did all-right. My brother was framed and then they hung him . . . .
It just goes to show that whether youre rich or poor, its nice to
have money.
HORSE SENSE
or
A PERILOUS PAPER TEAR
(This is an extremely simple effect but one that will both mystify
and amuse. Obtain two of the big money dollar bills that are sold
at any magic or novelty shop and is probably carried by the dealer
from whom you obtained this book. Prepare them for the regular
torn and restored effect in the following manner. Place one of the
bills flat 011 a table and put a dab of paste a few inches to the left
of the center of the bill. Now place the other bill 011 top of it and
let the paste dry, holding the two bills together. The top bill is now
secured to the bottom one by a tiny dab of paste 011 one side. Fold
the to]) bill as many times as you can so that it is only about an inch
and a half square and holding to the back of the bottom bill. Press
this little load as compactly as possible and you are ready to begin
the trick. This process is explained in greater detail in many of the
standard works of magic, and so if you have not understood the
foregoing instructions, simply look up the Chinese Paper Tear Effect
in one of these books.)
(Hold the bill between the tips of your two hands with the
load in back concealed from the audience.) After many years of
study and observation I finally got the horses where they want
me . . . . used to make big money (nod to the big bill you are holding)
but then I got the idea that flie horse is mans best friendand lie
is until you bet on him . . . . But then! (Hold the bill in your left
hand with your fingers on the audience side and your thumb hold
ing the load in place. With your right hand tear a strip off the
end of the right side of the bill and place it 011 the outside of the
bill, directly in front of the load.) Ill never forget the first horse
I ever bet on. Her name wras Old Girdles. They called tier Old
Girdles because she wasnt any good in the stretch . . . . That .horse
was so stupid she got lost between the grandstand and the first turn
. . . . The next ten times I bet 011 her she followed the other horses
around to make sure she wouldnt get lost . . . . (Look at the audi
ence sadly and tear another strip of the bill off and place in front
of the last one.) That horse was a fugitive from a merry-go-round
. . . . She was so slow they used to time her with a calendar . . . .
After every race they used to locate her by radar . . . . I once bet
26
on a horse called Gypsy Rose LeeI played her to show of course

. . . . She would have won too but it was a photo finish and the
judges censored the picture . . . . (Tear another strip off the bill
and place it with the rest.) I bet forty dollars on the horse and was
I sore. I found out they sold her the next day for thirty five . . . .
I dont mind betting on a horse and losing but when the horse I bet
011 comes over to the grandstand and says, Which way did they go?
Thats too much . . . . (Tear another strip.) One day a friend of
mine gave me some dope on a horse After the race was over I
found out the only dope, on the horse was the jockey . . . . We bet
011 the horse 10 to 1 and it came in a quarter to four . J . .. The horse
was smart though. He used to run around the track 011 three legs
he used the other leg to trip the other horses . . . . But it was
about this time that I began to learn that no horse can go as fast
as the money you bet 011 him . . . . (Tear another strip.) A friend
of mine used to lose at the races, then go home and beat his wife
and children. He figured if he couldnt beat the races at least he
could beat his wife and children . . . . She finally went to court and
appealed to the judge for a divorce. Judge, she said, my husband
thinks of nothing but horses, horses, horses. All day long thats all
I hear. Why, he doesnt even remember our wedding day. Thats
a lie! her husband shouted, We were married the same day Twenty
Grand won the Woods Memorial . . . . One day I was standing by
the betting windows at (local race-track) and I saw one fellow run
up four times in a row to place heavy bets on a horse named Lucky Z.
As he was coming back for another bet an onlooker stopped him.
It isnt really any of my business Mac, he said, but I wouldnt
bet any more on Lucky Z. He isnt going to win the race. The
belter looked at him suspiciously and jerked, What makes you
think so? Well, the stranger replied, I happen to own Lucky Z
and I know he isnt going to win the race. The other thought' a
moment and then said, Well, maybe youre right but all I can say
is, its going to be a mighty slow race I own the other four horses
. . . . (Make your last teai^ here and begin folding whats left of the
bill and the pieces in front of it in the direction of your audience,
and into a package. In the process of folding it, turn the ball of
paper around so that the lead on the back is facing the audience
and the package of torn papers is facing you.) But then good for
tune came my way. I bet on a filly that was accidentally put into
a race meant for colts only. That horse ran so fast that she not only
won and broke the track record but she was arrested for speeding
as she entered the local police station to demand protection . . . .
So I was back in the big money once again. (As you say this open
the load and you have restored the bill. Display it for a few seconds
and then crumple it Up and place it in your pocket. If properly
folded the torn pieces will not fall out while you are holding it up
for display.) But from all this talk youll be getting the impression
that Im a big gambler. That isnt the case at all. Lady Godiva was
the worlds greatest gambler. She put everything she had on a horse.
27
MY LIFE OF MARRIED BLISS

or
HE HAD A WOODEN LEG BUT SHE HAD A CEDAR CHEST
Finally I realized the lime had come to take a wife; now the
question was wiio to take her from . . . . I believe every man should
have a wife, preferably his own . . . . You know that old saying, Two
Can Live As Cheaply As Oneproviding one has lockjaw . . . .
They said my wife wasnt all therebut I figured there was enough
of her there to make it worth-while . . . . Anyway, I spent so much
money on her I finally had to marry her for her money . . . . She
was only a garbage mans daughter but she was nothing to be sniffed
at . . . . Shed been married four times before what you might
call a busy-body . . . . Ill never forget how after the weddingwed
ding, thats a funeral where you smell your own flowers . . . . how
we settled down to a life of married bliss. She with her lovely
trousseau, me with my ball and chain . . . . I never knew A v h a t real
happiness was until I got married and then it was too late . . . Our
first Sunday together in our own little home was heavenly. We
sat down and read the comic strips and then tuned in the radio and
a man explained them to us . . . . Then she brought in a pan of
biscuits she said she made with her own litle hands I wonder
who helped her lift them off the stove . . . . She treated me like a
pagan god. She placed burnt offerings before me at every meal . . . .
And what a woman! So economical. She never sends any of my
suits to the cleanersshe always removes all the spots herself
five spots, ten spots . . . . And she has a will ofi iron. Why just the
other day I knew she gave up smoking cigarettes because I found
cigar butts all over the house . . . . Soon tbe entrancement of the
honeymoon began to wear off and we were soon living whats called
a football romance. We both were waiting for the other to kick
off . . . . Before we got married I said I could listen to her voice all
nightbut I didnt think Id have to . . . . She was so sure of getting
her own way with me that she used to write her diary four days
in advance . . . . She believed in that saying, If At First You Dont
Succeed, Cry Cry Again . . . . All the trouble started one day while
I was walking in the park. Every man likes to see a broad smile,
especially if she smiles at him . . . . So the next day the phone rang
and a sweet voice asked for Tootsie-wootsie. The only trouble was
Mrs. Tootsie-wootsie answered the phone . . . . Immediately my wife
and I had wordsbut I never got to use mine . . . . Not that shes
unreasonableshe knows there are two sides to every argument
her side and her mothers . . . . It was with great ell'ort that I kept
my temper but I remembered that every book of etiquette said, Never
Hit A Woman With Your Hat On . . . . and she had just pulled it
over my eyes . . . . But I can truthfully say in five years of married
life we havent had a single fight in the housewe always do it in
subways and restaurants . . . . Amidst all this turmoil a blessed event
arrived . . . . our laundry finally came back . . . . and with, it clothed
28
in nothing but an old beer rag, was Junior . . . . I guess this was
because we read that English newspaper so much. You know, the
one that believes in a baby every dayThe London Daily Mail . . . .
I decided then to learn baby-care from the bottom up . . . . or should
I say it was forced upon me . . . . My wife had an ingenious idea at
that time. She used to keep the baby in a high crib so that she
could hear him if be fell out . . . . But years have gone by and now
Junior is older and because of that were going to have to move
from the house were living in. I dont like Junior crossing that
busy thoroughfare. Come to think of it, I dont like Junior . . . .
But then disaster struck our happy home. My wife continually mum
bled in her sleep and so I was forced to send her home to mutter
. . . . Angrily she applied for a divorce. When the judge wanted
to know why she wanted to leave me she said, Well, before we were
married he said hed die for meand he hasnt . . . . At that point
I began to wonder if she still loved me . . . . At any rate Im now
paying alimony thats the high cost of leaving . . . . and learning
how to live alone and be glad of it.
MY SUMMER VACATION
or
LOOSE LIVING TAKES ITS TOLL
After a hectic year of fast women and slow horses, I decided
I needed a rest so I began looking over the resort ads in the (local
newspaper). Some of them are really priceless. One of them went
something like this Relax at Ossining Rest every room with a
view of the river. . . . youll like it so much you wont be able to leave
. . . . More bai's than any other resort! . . . . Then there was another
one that read Lost Weekend Lodge Dee Teese-on-tlie-Hudson
. . . . Even the surroundings are familiar . . . . Fresh fish, fresh
waiters, even the telephones talk back . . . . The one I finally went
to was a little hotel thats half Catholic and half Jewish. Its called
the Saint Levy Hotel . . . . Its the only place where you can lead a
double life in a single room . . . All their guests were named Mr. and
Mrs. Smith . . . . They featured rooms with hot and cold running
women . . . It is located in a little town out west where men are men
and women are reasonable . . . I say little because the town was so
small the city limit signs were back to back . . . Their favorite sport
there is broad jumping . . . In the lobby of the hotel they have an ori
ental rug with a far eastern smell . . . When they first brought it in
even the termites walked out . . . They have a policy of advertising
famous plays on their bath towels. On mine was the title, You
Cant Take It With You . . . . One day I was going up to my room
and I forgot where it was. I opened a door and there was a girl
taking a bath. I was so embarrassed I just stood there and apolo
gizedfor two hours . . . . When the manager came in I was in hot
water up to my neck . . . At any rate, I know what they mean when
they say people go to summer hotels for a change and a rest. The
bellboys got the change and the hotels got the rest.
29
MY DAY
1 was walking clown the street the other day when I saw a huge
sign saving, DO YOU WANT A WAY TO BEAT THE INCOME
TAX? DO YOU WANT A DODGE? I ran right inside and said
to the man standing there, Yes, I want a dodge. And before I
knew it I had bought a car . . . . Its one of those five passenger
models. One drives and four push . . . . Its so old that even the hair
011 the upholstery is turning grey . . . . Everything makes noise but
the horn . . . . On my first trip they sent a sales girl along with me
to see if the car ran all-right. The car shifted so easily and smoothly
it was a pleasure to drive it until she ask me to take my hand oil'
her knee . . . . I dont know if the car ran all-right but I know she did
. . . . Just then I ran into, a car driven by a woman. I always try to
give a woman driver half the road. Only I never can tell which half
sho wants . . . . I told her justi wliat I thought of her until her hus
band got out of the car and then I realized that it was nothing to get
angry about . . . . Not that I was afraid, mind you. I could have
licked him with one handbut I couldnt gel him to fight with one
hand . . . . But when I got through with him he was all covered with
bloodmy blood . . . . I should have followed that old proverb, Never
Hit A Man When Hes Downhe might get back up again . . . .
I felt so sick I went to see Doctor Gillespie. I sat through the picture
three times and he didnt even examine me . . . But finally I did get to
see a doctor. What I dont like is the way they always speak of a
doctor as practicing medicine . . . . I was a little nervous because
it was the first time I had ever gone to a doctor. I had always gotten
plenty of exercise. Once a week I go to a horror show and let my
flesh creep . . . . He told me it would be better if I avoided all forms
of excitement I looked at him astonished. You mean I cant even
look at them from across the street? I protested . . . . He gave me
a prescription to take and believe me it was the worse tasting paper
I have ever eaten . . . . I also took three bottles of vitamin pills and
dont think thats easy. Those bottles get stuck in my throat . . . .
The doctor finally said I had to go to the hospital. I didnt want to
gomy mother went once and look what happened . . . . I did go
though, and after two days there I took a turn for the nurse . . . . I
shouldnt have complained. There was a fellow next to me who
had been operated on so many times he looked like a slot machine
. . . . They said they Were going to operate 011 . him once more to sec
if they could hit the jack-pot . . . . I had been staying up every
night trying to find out what was the matter with me. Then came
the day when I found outnot enough sleep . . . . Its a wonder I
ever got out of that hospital. Everytime I thought of what it was
costing me I got sick again . . . . But Ill never forget the day I. shot
a wild elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas Ill
never k n o w ...........
One day I was feeling down in the dumps so I went to the
theatre. When I get down in the dumps I usually get a new woman.
The only trouble is, the city dumps are running out of them . . . .
There was another magician in the show but from where I sat the
30
act was just a rumor . . . . I was so high up I was getting spirit

messages . . . . The usher took me up as far as the last halcony and
then said, Youll have (o go the rest of the way by yourself. From
here on my nose always bleeds . . . Finally I got seated and asked the
fellow next to me what he thought of the show. What show? he
said, Im flying the mail to Boston . . . . My mother-in-law would
have liked to have seen the show but she didnt want to stand that
long. The seats were too small for her . . . . She has a very pecidiar
shape for a womanor a man . . . . or a horse . . . . Some women
look like the figure eight. She looks more like the figure eighty-eight
. . . . For years she didnt know where her husband spent his evenings.
One night she came home earlyand there he Avas . . . . Gold is about
the only thing she hasnt panned . . . . But she died just the other
day and gaAT
e me this (point to a ring on your finger) diamond ring
as a remembrance. Look at that thing sparkle! She didnt exactly
give it to me. Just before she died she said, Heres three hundred
dollars. Buy the best stone you can findWell, this is it!
WHAT TO DO WHEN THEY CRY ENCORE!
(In many cases this is an extremely rare occurrence but one should
always be prepared for it. If you work in front of an orchestra,
this bit is perfect. Without an orchestra it may be used Avitli the rest
of the people in your show or even the audience themselves. Simply
introduce each of them in turn and then use the following remarks
about them to their best advantage. Try to fit the gags to the persons
appearance and personality. Also try to give the impression that
your remarks are completely ad-lib and your audience reaction will
double itself.)
Thank you, thank you very much folks, but I know that more than
half of that applause belongs to (bandleaders name) and his boys.
(Point to leader and lead the applause for him.) He really deserves
all the credit in the Avorld for lies a savcII felloAv and a great musi
cian. Why even at the early age of three he used to play on. the lin
oleum ......... In college he majored in music and on the side Avas a
halfback in footballand left back in studies..........Even his girl
friend knew he was musically inclined by the Avay he used to keep
fiddling Avith her garter........ One day he heard a girl singing in the
bath-tub in the next room and A v o u l d you belieA'e it he l o v e d music
so much he put his ear to the kev-liole......... it says here........... I
looked through a key-hole once and A vas I embarrassed! I saw an
other eye.........And hes really got a talented bunch Avith him. In
fact Im going to introduce them to you:
This is--------- . He used to be a holdup man before the
A var.
He s o l d b r a s s i e r e s ......... He r e a l l y l o v e s n a t u r e in s p i t e o f
A v h a t i t d i d t o h i m . . . . Hes a n o u t d o o r m a n .
All d a y l o n g h e d o e s
n o th in g b u t h u n t a n d d r in k .
All h e e v e r b u n t s f o r i s a d r i n k ...............
And here Ave haA e ------------ . Hes so lazy the only time he
opens his mouth is to put something into i t ........ He made a fortune
ENCYCLOPEDIA OF FATTEN
31
getting around women. He used to be a corset manufacturer . . . .

He lived oil' the fat of the land so to speak . . . .
His name is ---------- . He had a girl friend who treated
him just like dirt always hid him under the bed . . . . She used
to call him Santa Claus because he couldnt keep his hands off her
stockings . . . . Then they married and now lies so henpecked, every
night the dog lakes him for a walk . . . .
His name i s -------- . All through his adolescence they told
him about the birds and tbe bees but it didnt do him any goodhe
doesnt know any birds or bees . . . Hes so shy that when he was out
with his girl and the lights went out he spent the rest of the evening
repairing the fuse . . . .
This fellows name is ---------- The music business is just
a sideline with him. He runs a jewelry shop in a Reno hotel. Makes
his profit by renting wedding rings . . . .
This Adonis is called ----------. Hes so egotistical he has
a mirror on the ceiling of his bathroom so that he can watch
himself gargle . . . . He thinks he has a clear conscience, actually its
just a poor memory . . . .
They also used to have a piccolo player but he got locked up
for being an early bird. He wras caught in a bank before it opened
. . . . Its a shame because his brother starved to death last week.
He was a pick-pocket who got stranded in a nudist colony..........
IDEAS
How would you like to do the perfect vent act without know
ing the slightest thing about ventriloquism? Its very simple if you
want to go to a little trouble. Have a record made of your voice
and have an assistant handy backstage with a phonograph hooked up
to the theatres amplification system. Announce that you believe you
have perfected the most perfect ventriloquism technique in the history
of the theatre; that you can throw your voice wihout the slightest
movement of your lips. Give them a demonstration by keeping your
mouth shut and having your assistant play a bit of the record. You
can use a few of the routines given in this book for the material
used on the record. If the sound system is any good at a'l they will
not catch on. Then announce the fact that you Avill throw your voice
while drinking a glass of water. Again have your assistant play the
record. Then for your final feat declare, that for the first time in
the history of mankind, you will sing a duet with yourself. Sing in
harmony to your recorded voice. They will now realize that a record
is being used, and to play up the comedy here, after one chorus of
your song have a groove cut in the record so that it will repeat itself.
At this point your act is completely given away so play your em
barrassment to the hilt. You can cut a groove in the record very easily
with a razor blade but be sure to cut through just one ridge or you
will spoil the entire record.
32
Variations on this idea are limitless. You can do a comedy

routine of talking to yourself, or perfect imitations of leading singers,
actors, etc., by just moving your lips and Jetting their records do
the work. It is really a hilarious stunt and one well worth the
trouble it lakes to perform. The cost is negligible as these home
made records can be made for just a few dollars.
How many times have you produced an egg and to prove it real
have merely broken it into a glass? If you are using a boy from the
audience you can really have a comedy finish by placing a bottom
less glass in his hand and cracking the egg into it. It will look legit
imate for a moment until he cries out and lifts the glass revealing
a mass of yellow goo on his hand. This may even be worked with
adults but be sure you are in no danger of spoiling their clothes and
be sure they are good-natured. The latter is extremely important.
Always have a towel handy to clean the egg off their hand.
For a handy side table that takes up no space at all use Ihe suit
case in which you carry your equipment. Obtain a ilat, square board
that fits into the bottom of the suitcase. When you wish to use this
impromptu table merely stand the suitcase on end and open it in the
form of a V with the point facing the audience. Place the board
upon the open halves of the case and throw your table cover over it.
This not only presents a smart appearance, but it is sturdy enough
to hold the heaviest of your apparatus.
OPENINGS
(Use these to start off your act, and then work them into any of
your longer routines.)
Attention!! Ive been requested by the management to ask if
thereliT anyone her(Twlu>TfasTost a roll oTlnlTs^viHi a rubber band
around them? (Wait for your response from the audience.) Well,
Tfound the rubber band'TT. . Ah, yes! Were having all new jokes
tonighttonight the corn is green . . . . My real name is (full name)
but everybody calls me (nick name). Everybody, that is, except
the people I owe money to . . . . Im very glad to be working here
tonight though. In fact, Im very glad to be working anywhere
tonight . . . . Dont laugh folks, wait till you see the rest of my act
. . . . This is Be Kind To Dumb Animals Week so Id like to announce
that all the proceeds I receive for this engagement will be donated to
the horses at (local race-track) . . . . And before we begin I must
caution you ladies to please watch your language. Theres a sailor
in the house ........
Good evening ladies and gentlemen: I want to thank you for
your warm and generous welcome. Now that youve clapped you
can put your hands back in each others pockets . . . . I never
thought I would leave America, but here I am . . . . Seriously though,
(your location) is a swell place. I like the way it is laid out. I
dont know how long its been dead but it certainly is laid out swell
. . . . But I know a lot of nice people who come from ---------.
33
In fact, the nicer they are the quicker they come from --------. . . . Ill never forget the first time I played here. I didnt have a
nickel in my pocket but nownow I have a nickel in my pocket . . . .
Just a few minutes ago they told me women were a dime a dozen
in this town. And just think, all this time Ive been squandering
my money on gum-drops . . . . But I just want you to settle down
and relax. Remember, some clubs take you to Havana, some take
you to Algiers, but this club is different. We just take you . . . .
Im what is^called a miracle worker thats because its a miracle
whenTwork .'. . ."'But willryour permission I should like to attempt
a lew experiments in the field of legerdermain---Good evening folks! You probably havent seen me around
these parts lately. Ive been in Mexico the past five years. Do von
think its safe to register for the draft now? . . . . I guess you can
tell Im a well-traveled man by this suit Im wearing. It comes
from England. The manufacturer in Britain sells it to the middle
man who ships it here and sells it to an American wholesaler. He
sells it to the retail shop that sold it to me. What puzzles me, is
how so many people can make a living out of a suit I havent even
paid for yet . . . . But the theatres paying me, and so my first effect
will be---CLOSINGS
(Tack any one of them onto the end of your act for a smooth closing.)
Well, Ill have to go now. Its the childrens night off and I
have to go home to take care of the nurse . . . . Incidentally, I pay
her hush money every week. Shes the one who keeps the baby
quiet . . . .
And now I am going to say five words that will make me dis
appear entirely. Thank 5T
ou and good night.
Youve been such a swell audience that Id like to teach you a
little parlor trick that youll be able to fool your friends with. Would
you like that? (Wait for audience response.) Well, I want you to
do this right along with me. Take out your pocket handkerchief.
(At the same time, take out your own handkerchief.) Now, fold
it into a triangle. (As you do this though fold the handkerchief in
half. Do this Tso that they can sec it and they, flunking you have
made a mistake, will follow your actions.) Then fold it into another
triangle. (Again fold it in half.) Now once again Im going to fold
it into a triangle. (This time actually fold it into a triangle.) Fooled
you, didnt I? (This may seem corny, but it always gets a big laugh.)
Now grasp the center of the long end by the tips of your fingers and
hold your arm outstretched with the handkerchief below your fin
gers. Quickly move your arm up and down. (As you instruct
them, go through the motions yourself. Let them move their hands
for a few seconds.) Well, gbye now! (Shake your handkerchief
at them as you leave the stage. They will get a big laugh out of this
unusual ending and will remember it long after they have forgot
ten the rest of your magic.)
34
INTRODUCTIONS
(Nowadays a performer must be versatile. In addition to doing his
own act at times he is railed upon to act as host or master of cere
monies. These little introductions will help those in need of suit
able material for such occasions.)
(For the male entertainer)
AVe have here tonight a man who has made quite a name for
himselfbut I'm too much of a gentleman to tell you what that name
is . . . . Hes just played all the leading citiesChicago, Philadelphia,
San Francisco, Brooklyn . . . . also many of the famous night clubs
The Brown Derby, The Latin Quarter, The Diamond Horseshoe,

Joes Chop House . . . . and only recently he was held over for six
months at Sing Sing . . . . Hes a little nervous tonight. Had a
blessed event in his house. (Wait for applause) His mother-in-law
went home . . , . And so, I bring you the worlds greatest magician,
spiritualist, hypnotist, psychologist, showman (Use appropriate
titles for the individual concerned) and the man who wrote this
introduction (his n a m e )............
(For the male vocalist)
Due to conditions beyond our control, Mr. (his name), who was
originally scheduled to be heard at this time- will be heard . . . .
Mr. --- --- is a baritone (change this for the person involved)
and when he is at his best, his voice has been, compared to that of a
human being . . . . He has made many pictures. Some were in
technicolorthe others had plots . . . . In fact, he can be seen at the
Paramount Theatre any night scraping the gum off the seats
. . . . and so we bring you, at no great expense to the manage
ment ---- ----- .
(For the female vocalist)
And next we have that lovely singer of songs (her name).
(Have her come out beside you). Its no wonder your voice comes
out so well, look where its been . . . . I like the way she sings
thoughlike a telephone operatorevery line is busy . . . . Shes
really just ninety per-cent perfectthe other ten per-cent belongs
to her agent . . . . But (o he a great singer, one must have poise,
charm, a vibrant personality, a sparkling voicebut thats enough
about me . . . . heres --------- .
WHAT TO DO IF A TRICK GOES WRONG
(And they do yknow. The best course of action is to hurry on to
your next effect. However, in most cases this is slightly awkward
unless some joke smooths the way. Here is a liberal selection of
them and I would advise you to memorize them so that they will
always be ready to ease you out of bad situations. Just use any
one or a combination of a few of them, announce your next effect,
35
and before you know it harmony is established. Incidentally, these

may be also used by M. C.s when a gag lays a particularly bad
egg or you pull a boner of some sort.)
I slept on a pool table last night and now Im all balled up.
The last house I did that trick in said they were going to hang a
sign on the door to show that nobody had forgotten the wonderful
performance I gave. I went back last week and saw the sign they
put up. Can anyone tell me what Fumigated means?
The last time I did that trick even the ushers walked out.
I dont have to do this for a living. I could starve to death.
Im so unlucky, that if I sawed a woman in half Id get the half
that eats.
Something like this could drive a normal man crazyyou can just
imagine what it does to me.
No applause pleasejust give me a ten yard head start.
We will now pause for one minute of respectful silence in memory
of the trick that just died.
Dont laugh at me folks. I didnt pay the (admission price) to get in.
HECKLERS
(That one word usually sends more chills up and down the spine of
an entertainer than anything else. They are probably the most dan
gerous of all his annoyances however, for should they get the better
of him he is through in the eyes of his audience. Therefore, I have
compiled what I believe is the most complete assortment of antiliecklcr gags in magical literature. I have also included one little
routine that can be used if the fellow is exceptionally troublesome.
Remember, always keep your temper 110 matter what your feelings
may be, for this type of person receives pleasure from jrour discom
fort. To date though, I have never come across any that could sur
vive a liberal dose of the following one-liners.)
I dont know what Id do without youand Id rather . . . . His
friends call him Webster because words cant describe him . . . .
When he was ten, lie killed hitTmother ~~aml 'lather so that he could
go to an orphans picnic . . . . He went to a mind-reader the other
day and was only charged half-price . . . . The only reason he got
married was because somebody gave him free tickets to Niagara
Falls . . . . Now lies been niitrried for ten years and his wife hasnt
let him say a word. So tonight hcs_making up for lost time . . . .
HF used to be u Fight rope walker Tnit he lost his job. Re was
always tighter than the rope . . . . Just look at him and remember
its all-right to drink like a fish but drink what a fish drinks . . . .
I~guess lies used to it by now though. Hes been thrown out of so
many places he wears nothing but grey to match the color of the
sidewalks..........
3fi
(If this doesnt stop him, just take a deep breath and keep going.)
Ive seen better looking pans under ice-boxes.
Close your mouth youre catching tlies.
Hes as loud as a Christmas tie and just about as useful.
Ive only got five minutes to make a fool of myself youve got
all night and a head start besides.
Id horsewhip you if I had a horse.
Why bother me while Im working? Do I come down to your gar
bage wagon and take away your shovel?
I was about to give an imitation of a jackass blithe beat me to it.
Why not pretend youre a vacant room and make yourself scarce?
Thats a nice suit you have 011 there Jack its the first time I ever
saw a gunny sack with shoulder pads.
The way lies nursing that drink he must be drinking from an hour
glass.
When snakes get drunk they see him.
I get paid for making a fool of myself he does it for nothing.
He looks like my dear departed brother two years after he departed.
Hey, can you hear me back there? I can hear you.
I never forget a face, but in your case Ill make an exception.
The last time I saw a head like yours it was in a; bag of oats.
Hes a man of a few wordsbut be keeps repeating them.
If he had his life to live over again he wouldnt.
He uses oil 011 his hair and everything seems to slip off his mind.
That guy could make some girl a lucky widow.
This is the first time I ever saw one pair of shoes with three heels.
I knew a guy once who looked just like you. He was a professional
blind date.
Why dont you stick to being a moron?
Did anyone in your family die recently? (Wait for liis negative
answer.) Well, why dont you go home and break the monotony?
(If a penny is thrown at you by a heckler) Theres only one kind
of an animal that throws a scent.
Is that your original face or a retread?
He must have bought that suit by accident. It fits him like a bandage.
When he was born something terrible happened he lived.
You have thirty-two teeth. Do you want to try for none?
(These are reserved for the female of the species)
Shes got a face that looks as if it wore out six bodies.
Get a load of that hat! How can I get laughs with you wearing that?
Lady, would you like it if I came over to your house while you
were working and put out your red light?
Oh, hello there, I didnt recognize you with your clothes on.
THE CHILDRENS SHOW HECKLER
The problem of the brat at a childrens show who continually
heckles your act is one that has caused many grey hairs to appear
on the heads of many of our erstwhile magicians. The sizzling oneliners are valueless for they are far above the childs ability to under
37
stand, and the threat of removal from the hall or auditorium is had
for both the performer and the people who are sponsoring the
entertainment. If possible, it is best to ridicule the young heckler
in a food-natured way, but if this doesnt stop him I have found
that this little stratagem will. Ask him if he will assist you in a
trick and have him come up on the stage. If he is the braggart he
claims to be he will take you up on this. Once on the stage ask
him to hold his palms face up and towards you. Announce that
you are now going to do a trick utilizing two glasses of water. Place
one glass, filled with water, on one palm and another on his other
palm. The boy is now standing there with his hands outstretched
holding the glasses of water. Go right on with your act and forget
about him completely. lie cannot place the glasses down without
spilling or breaking them and his position will grow funnier and
funnier as his arms grow tired. Never play this out too much but
when you see his arms are growing weary take the glasses from
him and thank him for his cooperation. It is wise to give him some
souvenir to make his humiliation, easier to swallow. At any rate, I
doubt if he will attempt any more heckling that day.
MISCELLANEOUS PATTER
(I would have liked to classify the following in some way, but after
long hours of thought I came to the1conclusion that it was impossi
ble. The bits that I group under the general heading of Miscellan
eous Patter are all situation gags. They have to be used at a certain
time in your routine for their maximum effectiveness. If you are
supposed to be a comedian, you must never drop out of character.
No matter what you do or what has happened to you, a funny remark
must be the result. Therefore, pay spccial attention to the following
pattei' bits for while the comedy routines are the basic stock of your
act these scraps are the polish that makes it shine.)
In countless effects you are called upon to invoke the aid of
the supernatural. Use this line instead of the stock hokum: And
now Ill summon the spirits to aid me Calverts, Three Feathers,
Schenleys, Hague &Hague.
In presenting a card effect say, My next trick requires 52
pieces of apparatus, then take out your deck of cards. As a follow
up you may say, I want to be sure there are 52 cards here. Hold
the deck to your ear and riffle once with your thumb. Take one of the
cards out and throw it away as you say, Nope, fifty-three. Now
as you fan the cards for a spectator to take one ask him, Do you
know one card from another? He will claim he does so ask him,
Whats the other?
As an assistant from the audience is leaving the stage ask him,
Do you drink? If he says yes then follow up with, Well, here
are some straws, and produce two straws from your vest pocket.
Occasionally somebody from the audience begins asking embar
rassing questions that you cannot help but acknowledge. An easy
way to laugh it off is to answer, Thats a reasonable question, and
38
it deserves a reasonable answer. Too bad I cant think of one. I

found out thouigh the funnier your patter, the less the audience cares
about how you do the trick.
While doing manipulations declare, I want to call attention to
the fact that at no time do my fingers leave my hands.
After an exceptionaly good laugh I should be on the stage.
If you are working before a particularly cold audience wake
them up with What is this? A cemetery with neon lights? . . . .
I know there are people out there. I can hear you breathing. . . . .
If you do rope tricks I think you will like Frank Kellys open
ing. Come out on the stage holding a card case in your hand and
begin. As a magician, I am going to try to fool you at every
opportunity, so I am warning you now lo watch me very closely.
For my first effect, I am going to do a ------ rope trick. While
you are talking, hold the card case in your hand and as you begin
the second sentence start lo open it. As you reach the pause in
your patter, dig your fingers into the box and as you say rope
trick draw a piece of rope from the case. Smile at the audience
and quip, See, Ive fooled you already. The spectators, confident
that you will draw a pack of cards from the case, will enjoy this
quickie immensely.
As an alternate rope opening you may come out 011 the stage
holding a piece of rope in your hand. Look at it and say, Ive been
carrying this rope for two hours now. I cant decide whether I
found a piece of rope or lost a cow.
In the middle of a routine stop and say, Ill bet, when I first
came out here, you thought I was going to be lousy.
How to treat applause is an art in itself. If you wish to increase
the volume of the applause youve been getting, be positive in your
movements. When you end a trick end it with a snap and then
step forward and bow. Youd be surprised what a harvest of ap
plause this will bring in comparison to a rather uncertain smile at
the conclusion of an effect. A lot of laughs can be garnered from
the vagaries of an audiences applause. Occasionally, after a joke
one person will burst into hand-clapping. Always greet this indi
vidual with the words, Thanks mother. If only a few applaud,
Thank youboth of you. If a gag receives a really good hand
beam a bright smile at your audience and comment, I admire your
taste. This may be alternated with putting up your hand as a
round of applause begins and saying, Dont applaudI deserve it.
Its good old golden bantam but it still reaps laughs.
At New Years shows or parties somebody with a horn will
occasionally break up your act by blowing it while you are per
forming. Caution him, Dont blow that horn, youll show up the
orchestra.
If a fat lady in your audience is enjoying your gags and her
laughter is calling attention to herself, quip, I love to see her laugh
so much of her has a good time.
If a member of your audience is giving you a little trouble by
his ceaseless talking, call out to him, Im sorry I wras making so
much noise I didnt quite catch what you were saying.2 (Walter
39
Coleman uses this effectively in all his shows.)

If you are exceptionally tired and show it, remark, I was so
tired last night I fell asleep in the bath-tub with the water running.
Good thing I always sleep with my mouth open or it would have
overflowed .........Or as an alternative, My valet quit this morning
and I am so fatiguedI took a bath and didnt have anyone to push
my boat back to me in the tub.
When someone in the audience ostentatiously leaves while you
are in the midst of your act say, Id better work faster, theyre
walking out on me . . . . Dont leave now I get better as I go
along . . . . Remember, I never forget a back . . . . (If he keeps
going) All-right, as the landlady said when the boarder left her
house, Goand never darken my bath-tub again!
If an assistant from the audience is a bald-headed gentleman
comment, Boy, thats what I call a head of skin . . . . He must
have gotten caught in a hair raid . . . . Well, hair today and gone
tomorrow. (This also may be used on a heckler possessing a shiny
pate.)
If you produce a rabbit in any wrav tell this little story: Do you
see this rabbit? I found him in a very strange manner. One day I
opened my refrigerator and found him sitting comfortably inside
eating a carrot. And what might you be doing in there? I asked.
Doesnt it say WESTINGHOUSE on the outside of this icebox?
he replied. Well, Ise westing!
If you are suffering from a cold, explain it in either of these
two ways. I caught an awful chill at a burlesque show the other
night. The guy in back of me kept yelling, Take it off! Take it off!
and I couldnt disappoint him. OR Ive got a terrible cold. I took
a bath the other day naked . . . . I usually take them wearing my
long winter underwear but I couldnt do that this time they
werent dirty.
If you are suffering from a toothache: When I was a kid I
never.even moved when the dentist pulled a tooth. But Id look
silly in a straight-jacket and chains now . . . . Every time I go to him
now he gives me mustard gas. He says it goes well with ham.
If you arc in need of a shave excuse yourself in this manner:
I was going to get a shave before I came on but the barber shops
around here are really awful. I went to one the other day and they
had a sign saying Shaves 15 and 25c! So I asked the barber what
the difference was between the fifteen and the twenty-five cent
shaves. He said, With the twenty-five cent shave we give you
bandages! .......... I ordered the fifteen cent shave and asked him
for a razor I figured at least I could defend myself.
If you are still using either Framed or Rabbit-Rise here is a
good opening for it: This picture was handed down to me by my
grandfather he was still on the ladder when the police came . . . .
He said he was a painter and that he specialized in painting
women but I didnt think he meant on rest room doors
But we finally found a place for this picture the only trouble
is, it wont match the tile.
10
THE printing of this little verse

Will keep this book from getting worse
For if I went on you would curse
Perhaps Id wind up in a hearse.
Ive told you all the gags I know,
And so I think Id better blow;
About my jokes I will not crow,
I only hope they bring me dough.
And if you use them wisely too,
Your patter worries will be through;
Your audiences wont be blue
Your creditors wont try to sue.
Youll finally leave that well-known stew
And mighty feats you then will do;
Until that day will come to you,
When Ill come up and borrow two.

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ENCyCLOPEDI#

A COMPILATION OF CH O ICE COM EDY MATERIAL ARRANGED

Several months ago I sat down to write a hook and pondered

The State Library of Victoria

I have not included a Table of Contents because of the difficulty

s IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER AGAIN--- 1 WOULDNT

MY LIFE IN THE POST-SCHOOL ERA

---Hossinphefi'er owned the typewriter.......... And then I returned

THE SAGA OF DAISY

evening. She said no but shed be reasonable..........So we visited

around in circles (Cut a U shaped piece out of the folded end.

place had air-conditioning though. When the conditions were right.

Every morning I could hear them going down to wind it up again

asylum). At last I had found a room. (Keep cutting and restoring

it protects the property without obstructing the v ie w ............It

try. 2. I knew it would build me up physically. 3. They came and

voted me the most likely to succeed........ All my friends called me

holding up my B. V. D.s . . . . When you first come into the army

h ead..........Across the street Avas another barber shop advertising

Avas absolutely poison--- and such small p o r tio n s !...............One

and brass that finding sleeping room was a problem. We finally

annoy it though.......... As a last resort I ordered a steak and believe

dollars is no happier than a man with nine million dollars . . .

on a horse called Gypsy Rose LeeI played her to show of course

MY LIFE OF MARRIED BLISS

act was just a rumor . . . . I was so high up I was getting spirit

getting around women. He used to be a corset manufacturer . . . .

Variations on this idea are limitless. You can do a comedy

The Brown Derby, The Latin Quarter, The Diamond Horseshoe,

and before you know it harmony is established. Incidentally, these

it deserves a reasonable answer. Too bad I cant think of one. I

Coleman uses this effectively in all his shows.)

THE printing of this little verse

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