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This is for them who till date must have fallen into this vicious circle of love.
Love - a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. This feeling is
instilled in every creature who is born since its birth. Love for Parents, siblings
(eventually :p ) and topmost is toys. You can't forcefully stop a person from
loving anything, that's the gift the Almighty has given to everyone. A child's
heart is totally pure, innocent which understands only love. That is one thing
you don't have to teach him. You try to take his toys and he retaliates, take
another one which he is not playing with for the moment and he will
reiterate . Thats not because he is selfish ,it's because the possessiveness out
of Love. Same is with the friends he makes.
I visited one of my companion's house and this small child around 3 yrs old
was playing with his toys. The maid came and the moment he heard the
knock on the door he ran out for her. His emotions were on the ninth cloud
just by the glimpse of the maid. No one in the family got that excited and
amused by her visit (obviously the ladies might be feeling this great
satisfaction :p ). But when told him to talk to me, he was quiet, simply at
times staring or looking away. Everyone forcing him to interact but he was
still. Not untill he took his own time to analyse and recognise me, he didn't
even pass a smile at me.
This is the child which is not taught anything related to etiquettes. Pure
heart, a bit fear for strangers and accepting the fact by conducting practicals.
Now, why this flashback ride to childhood. Just to compare the level of
emotions at present and what it was at the time of birth. It has downgraded .
We are not at all in that disposition,in which we were at the time of being
awarded this life.The child's heart does not seek the caste, amount in the
pocket, colour of the skin etc etc. I was more fair, richer and caste wise also
was on the top of the chart but still lacked in the friendship for that child, for
him the maid was above me in every aspects.
No one stops the child for being so much inclined for the maid and no one is
harsh to him for not being friendly to me. And even if one tries ,the child will
cry , shout and bring the whole world upside down, and ultimately one will
realise that there is no point forcing anything on him.
When being a child we didn't even smile at the other person without getting
to know him well, then marrying is the most stupid idea that can come in our
A child can win the battle for making the friends which it likes to make, so
why grown ups dont want to try, just think that we all were once the same

child who being so weak also was the strongest.

I would like to remind that those who really love their counterpart and wish to
have a future with them but can't just stop thinking of the consequenses at
home, this would be beneficial for them, and those who are just doing time
pass..please dont waste your time :)
Indian marriages are a deal..sounds bitter but that's the truth. It's a deal in
which both parties draw down pros cons , organises meeting with the
household members, profit % maximum in this party lets go for it.
approved. bingo.
Belonging to a conservative brahmin family, i've collected facts about the
thinking of Indian parents.
An ideal boy should possess the following qualities :
1. No girls should be involved in his life.
3. Should keep the daughter happy whatever the situation may be, respect
her and love her.
4. no drinking, smoking etc etc.

The Second point rules but most of the parents prefer a guy who may not be
the Ambanis but should have a clear history when it comes to girls. A recent
suicide case of AIIMS doctor(female) because her husband was gay,
straightaway points to the fact that a life can be lost because of this.It was an
arrange marriage and both were doctors( educated and rich). Obviously the
girl's family would've heard that boy is not at all involved with any girl, in
typical language." kabhi kisi ladki ko nahin dekha ghar par aate hue, bas
ladko ke saath hi rehta hai, sudhra hua ladka hai". They found a sudhra hua
ladka and screwed the daughter's life.
There is nothing wrong in keeping female friends. In fact the one who has
many female friends knows a girl better and thus can help her out
emotionally. A girl needs emotional support more than financial help.
Now since it is an arranged marriage parents think that the house is good.
Sabhya, Susheel blah bah i.e. epitome of decency. In this doctor's case who
went wrong? No one . Just a perfect arrange marriage :) The samaj was
happy, Social status was maintained, a doctor Ladka...overall it was a happy

marriage. After the suicide, people whose respect parents desired would
have simply indulged themselves in gossips, ate healthy food and would've
taken a sound nap.Who suffered ? The girl and her parents and obviously to
certain extent the boy because he was pressurised for the marriage(Although
he should've shown the courage to stick to what the truth was, but he also
fell in the emotional word the parents say," itna kuch kiya tumhari khushi ke
liye, tum itna nahi kar sakte? kahin muh dikhane nahi rhenge" etc etc).
I am not saying to impose your decision on parents, what i am saying is that
you are fortunate enough to have parents who have given you the resources
to nurture your dreams and right direction to think what is good and bad for
a boy's family wants the following characteristics for a girl:
1. Girl's family should respect everyone in the boy's family.
2. Should know cooking and other household chores.
3. Should not speak much :p
4. Should take care of the family.
Forget everything...!! you just think deeply what is good for your parents.
There is no surety that in arranged marriage such a girl will come and will
take your house to great heights and will be an ideal bahu for your family.
Parents need to be taken care of after a certain age, every family has
disputes..every family..!! Arranged marriages used to happen before because
of caste.
CASTE SYSTEM : Jobs were there according to the castes. So mostly upper
castes people had their children get married in their own castes. And so the
lower castes' world was also restricted in their own castes. But now, there is
nothing like caste, because people in every caste is outshining in various
There are certain things by which brahmins support getting married in their
own caste, i would like to give the convesation of mother and her daughter
Mother: our caste people are always nice. They are helping, and they always
keep the girls of other caste nicely. Other castes doesn't support our girls
well. We don't eat non-veg, we don't drink etc.We are nice, honest people and
when a girl marries in other caste, the other family tortures her.
Daughter: I have two friends Priya Pandey and Aafreen Baig. One is a
muslim and the other one is a brahmin. If asked to share room with one of

them i will always prefer Aafreen to Priya( Ask anyone in the wing -Priya is
height of cunningness and Aafreen is height of politeness and a friend who
will be always there to help you.)
My best friend in my branch of 70 students is Aastha Karole( an SC) and in
my class there is one who is Pandey and many who are Mishra and
Sharma.She is in strong opposition to the Liabrary rules in which general
group suffers and issues half books for herself and the other half for me,
brings extra food for me as she knows being in a hostel i am bored of mess
food. I bet you won't find a girl more lovely and helping than her.
I have many brahmin friends and among them only one fourth does not eat
egg rest all are fond of omelette and chicken ,ehe leave my friends, my
cousins are best example :D :p ( this covers drinking also :D )
About being honest and nice even you know how many honest people are
there in our family :/.
Yes a girl being tortured in love marriage is a strong issue. A girl is tortured in
arranged marriage too. There are in-laws who will torture a girl no matter if it
is arranged or love marriage. Its just that in love marriage they get a strong
point to shout at her otherwise in arranged marriage also the same people
will torture the girl taking shots at her parents, at her clothes ,at her cooking
and the list is endless.I know my parents will be angry but after they will be
assured that girl is nice they will never be harsh or in any way isolate her.
Everyone has heard this saying, "galat karne wale se badi galati, galat sahna
wale ki hoti hai". Sometime children need to make their parents understand
things.Even Practices like Sati has been abolished by efforts of people.
Anyhow in an arranged marriage also, people take chances, why not take
chance with the ones you love. Now there are some who does not even want
to mention this to their family. I have an incident:
My granny(nani) passed away when i was in 4th. My mother was expected to
be their at grandma's place. I missed my mom at home a lot. Finally we all
went to my nani's house for some rituals. In the evening i heard my dadi
saying to my mom,"bahche yahan kya krenge,ham le ja rhe inhe". I cried
from inside, i wanted to say that no ,i want to stay but i had no strength to
oppose my dadi or say keep my point in public. I want to be there with my
mom but just because no one knew my situation , they didn't care about my
feelings. We sat in the auto and i was feeling very pathetic, auto started my
heartbeats ran faster and then we were on our way to our house, i regreted a
lot in the auto that damn why didn't I ? at least i should've tried to say to my
mom that i dont want to go . We came to our house and i went directly in the
bathroom and i cried a lot... a lot..!! and waited eagerly for day when we'll be

taken to my nani's house or my mom to come back.

Must have happened with everyone that we want something but just that we
dont have the courage to say it we lose the thing and then we are left only
with remorse.That's the worst feeling of all.Remember we have only one life,
Only One Life. Now some might say we have only one life then why not do
whatever we want and just live it off. No..!! I am not saying you to take drugs
etc etc. Live life in a way so that you don't have to regret for anything
(ofcourse no one will regret for not taking drugs, even if one regrets then
there is no age limit for drugs , at final stage of life also he can take it and
live it ) Also there are times when we struggle for things we dont get it and
then we regret, that's a different point, at the end of the day feel happy that
you atleast tried.
There is nothing like arrange or love mariage,Its all about faith.If you have
faith and trust on the one you love..go for it, take your chance. Talk to your
family about it. There's no point just keeping it as a secret and after years
feeling sorry for that one chance you didn't take. Don't give up on that
precious stone you have. Love can always make people do things which
otherwise they don't want to.
What parents feel insecure in love marriage is ( from the boy's side) that if a
girl has made him go against the parents she can make him do anything in
life. They feel cheated. They start looking at the girl as if she has stolen the
plant they have nurtured till date. That he is now someone belonging to
someone else(not of their choice) Whereas when they themselves ask a boy
to get married to a girl of their choice they seem as if they are the ones who
gave happiness to him, and so the boy will agree with them forever.
You have to make them understand this thing that nothing will change that
much even if you marry that girl. Take them in confidence that yes she has
the ability and will take the tradition forward of the family as he has her trust.
Fight for your love..If you had the courage to do it, be couragious
enough to preserve it. Otherwise seriously there is no point
continuing it. Even if things unfortunately will go wrong be strong
enough to face them, at least you will be responsible for your
decision and ultimately you are the one who has to live with it. There
are problems in everyone's life, what matters is how you deal with
them, stop escaping the challenges rather face them and enjoy your
part. Good luck..!!

Vaidehi Pandey
(IIM Indore)