How to be a Good Parent?

Being a good parent? That is the question that as a parent that we used to ask ourselves. How
to be a good parent? Am I good enough? What does it take to be a good parent?

Im Zamshuri binti Hj Zainuddin the founder of Brainy Montessori, will deliver a speech on
Parenting Tips on this beautiful open day. A very good morning to everyone. I hope that
everyone enjoys being parents themselves now. Today, I am going to talk about
The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, which had been written or talked about by
Laurence Steinberg, PhD (2004). Before we begin, we have to ask ourselves, what is our goal
when we are dealing with children? To show then who is boss? To instil fear in them or to
help the child develop into a decent, self-confident human being?
Good parenting should help to foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control,
kindness, co-operation, and cheerfulness, said Steinberg in his book. It must also promotes
intellectual curiosity, motivation, and the desire to achieve. It helps to protect children from
developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders, anti-social behaviour, and alcohol and drug
abuse and many more.
There are many researches done on parenting but the ten principles that Dr. Steinberg
had outlined are very consistent. Too many parents base their actions on gut reaction but
some parents have better instincts than others, he said. Children should never be hit, not even
a slap on a toddler's bottom, he said but what if your young child is heading into danger, into
traffic, you can grab him and hold him, but you should under no circumstances hit him.
Meaning that under certain circumstances, we, as parents do need to show how to react
properly, not to hurt our children but to teach them or to make them remember that there are
things that they can do and should never do. Maybe by holding them, but never to injure
them, make them remember the consequences of doing something that endanger their lives.
A parent's relationship with his or her child will be reflected in the child's actions
-including child behaviour problems. If you do not have a good relationship with your child,

they will definitely not going to listen to you. Think how you relate to other adults. If you
have a good relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their opinions, and
agree with them. If it is someone we just do not like, we will surely ignore their opinion. Are
we the one that our children love? How to make them love us?
Steinberg's (2004), stated the ten principles that hold true for anyone who deals with
children, either, they may be parents, coaches, teachers or babysitters.
The ten principles are:
The first one is what you do, matters. This is one of the most important principles. What we
do makes a difference. Our children are watching us. What we do matter most! They set us as
their examples, they see how we react and the actions taken by us. We must know our goals,
what we want to accomplish with our children and what we want to see in our children in
their future.
Second one is to love. We cannot simply spoil a child with love. Love will not spoil
anyone but with love they will grow up to be loving and lovely people. What we often think
of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is
usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love -- things like leniency,
lowered expectations, or material possessions. Giving those things to show our love such as
toys, expensive and branded presents and gargets, those will spoil them. We should not
simply give them anything they want but make them work hard to get it for example, unless
they do something good then we give them presents as when affordable. Lavishing children
will expensive or unnecessary objects will spoil them and make them lazy. Loving our
children does not mean that as parents, we do not need to show love and spend quality time
with them. Parents should invest time, not money into their children. Children should not
have to ask if they are important to their parents to know. They should just know. The time a
parent puts into their family and become their tradition in their family will always be there.
Unconditional love is the key to being a good parent. Parents need to love their children no
matter what. If a child doubts a parent's love for them, the parent is not being a good one even
when a child is disappointing.
Thirdly be involved in our child's life. To get involved with our children all the time
will make parent takes time and is a hard work, and it often means that we must rethinking
and rearranging our priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what we want to do for what
our child needs to do. Be it means mentally as well as physically. How busy we are, we must
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take time and spend it with our children. Listen to them, be with them, only then they will
feel that we really need them in our lives and so will be we in their lives. But be aware that
being involved in their lives does not mean we have to do their homework or reading it over
or correcting it. Homework is a tool for teachers to know whether the child is learning or not.
If we do the homework for them, meaning that we are not letting the teacher know what our
children are learning. Making time and traditions for your family is another part of being a
good parent. True enough, many parents do have to work a lot to provide their family with
the things they need.
Next adapt your parenting to fit your child. Keep pace with our childrens development
for our children are growing up. Consider how age is affecting each child's behaviour.
Children of the different ages will undergo certain stages of growing up in their lives so as
parent we need to adapt to the different needs of each and every child we have. Their genders,
their ages differ them from each other.
"The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say 'no' all the time is
what's motivating him to be toilet trained," wrote Steinberg (2004). "The same intellectual
growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is
making him argumentative at the dinner table."
For example: A form one student is easily distracted and irritable. His grades in school are
suffering. He's argumentative. Should parents push him more, or should they be
understanding so his self-esteem doesn't suffer?
"With a 13-year-old, the problem could be a number of things," Steinberg (2004) said.
"He may be depressed. He could be getting too little sleep. Is he staying up too late? It could
be he simply needs some help in structuring time to allow time for studying. He may have a
learning problem. Pushing him to do better is not the answer. The problem needs to be
diagnosed by a professional."
Fifth is establish and set rules. If we do not manage our children behaviour when
they are still young, they will have a hard time learning how to manage themselves when they
are older and we are not around. The Malay saying says Melentur bulur biar dari rebung.
This means that we need to manage our children behaviour when they are still young to avoid
bad habits for old habits die hard. Any time of the day or night, we should always be able to
answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child

doing? The rules our child has learned from us are going to shape the rules he or she will
apply to himself or herself in future.
"But you can't micromanage your child," Steinberg (2004) said. "Once they're in
middle school, you need to let the child do their own homework, make their own choices, and
not intervene."
The sixth is foster our children's independence. Setting limits helps our child
develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps him or her to develop a
sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, he or she will be going to need both. It is
normal for children to push for autonomy, but many of us mistakenly equate our children's
independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it
is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone
else. They want to show that they are growing up and want to be in control of their own lives.
Next always be consistent. Our rules should not be vary from day to day in an
unpredictable fashion or if we enforce them only intermittently, our child's misbehaviour is
our fault, not his. Keep to a set of rules. Our most important disciplinary tool is consistency.
We should identify our non-negotiable. The more of our authority is based on wisdom and
not on power, the less our children will challenge it. As a parent, we do have problems of
being consistent and this will cause confusion among the children. When parents are not
consistent, the children will get confused. You have to force yourself to be more consistent
and try hard in order to get respectful and obedience children, we have to be consistent with
our rules, orders, so that it will be easier for our children to digest them.
In disciplining our children try to avoid harsh discipline. Parents should never hit a
child, under any circumstances. Children who are spanked, hit, or slapped are more prone to
fighting with other children for they will imitate our actions. They are more likely to be
bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others. There is a lot of
evidence that spanking causes aggression in children, which can lead to relationship problems
with other kids. There are many other ways to discipline a child, including 'time out,' or
grounded them, which work better and do not involve aggression. Unless when our children
cannot differentiate the danger such as said in the earlier paragraphs, such as going under
moving vehicles or jumping down the slopes, we need to hold them tight but never injured
them as we want them to feel the urge to keep themselves away from such danger.

After or before we discipline them, we need to explain to them our rules and
decisions. Good parents should have expectations of what they want their child to live up to.
Generally, parents over explain to young children and under explain to adolescents. We must
adapt our rules and the ways we explain to them as being said earlier. Different children are
having different ways to accept things. What is obvious to us may not be evident to a 12-yearold. He doesn't have the priorities, judgment or experience that we have. This may cause
confusions and worries among these children, too.
For an example, a 6-year-old is very active and very smart - but blurts out answers in
class, doesn't give other kids a chance, and talks too much in class. His teacher needs to
address the child behaviour problem. He needs to talk to the child about it. Parents may have
to meet with the teacher and develop a joint strategy. That child needs to learn to give other
children a chance to answer questions.
Lastly, we have to treat our child with respect. The best way to get respectful
treatment from our child is to treat him respectfully. We should give our child the same
courtesies that we would give to anyone else. Practise speaking to him politely, respect his
opinion, and pay attention when he is speaking to us. Treat him kindly, too, try to please him
when we can. Our children will treat others the way they see how we treat them. Our
relationship with our child is the foundation for his or her relationships with others.
Another example that is when our child is a picky eater: "Parents should not make a
big deal about eating," Steinberg (2004) said. Children develop food preferences. They often
go through them in stages. We must not turn mealtimes into unpleasant occasions. Never
make the mistake of substituting unhealthy foods to them. If we do not keep junk food in the
house, they will not eat it, right?
Children respond very well to structure (Markham, 2012). For example when we go
shopping. We must not go shopping without preparing them for it. Tell our children that we
will be there for 45 minutes. Mommy needs to buy this. Show them the list. If you don't
prepare them, they will get bored, tired and upset by the crowds of people. They will lose
interest in what we are doing, and this will cause clashes between parent and child.
Parents usually forget to consider their children, to respect them. We work on our
relationships with other adults, your friendships, your marriage and even dating. But what
about our relationship with our child? If we have a good relationship with our children, and
we are really in tune with our child, that's what really matters. Then none of this will be an
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issue. We all know that raising a child can be very difficult. Children learn how to be adults
from none other than adults themselves (Markham, 2012). Parents need to be willing to teach
their children. In my opinion, being as a parent is not as easily as it seems but doing it needs
real commitment from the parents themselves. Give ourselves the chances to be good parents
as we want our children to grow up as someone good and up to our expectation.
Apart from the listed above, parents need to be good listeners to their children. Some
parents are sometimes too quick to judge their children's actions and words that they do not
hear them cry for love, attention or help. Parents need to listen to their child's feelings and
reactions to things. Also, they need to let them have their own opinions and voice them too.
They should look at their child and show them that they are really listening to them.
Understanding their point of view and where they are coming from will also help one to be a
good parent.
If parents want their children to do what is right, I think that they need to set good
examples by also doing what is right, too. Children should be taught how to be responsible,
caring, hardworking and patient from watching and learning these traits from their parents.
Parents should respect their child's interests and get involved in their life. They should
participate in activities that they all can enjoy. Parents should try out new things that their
child likes.
We will lead a better life, and our children will be a better grown up people in future.
Thank you and work out your relationship with your children. Happy parenting