IDidntMarryMyBestFriend

Couplesneedmorethanjusteachother.
KateShellnutt/September15,2014
Atmanyweddingsthesedays,whetheronhillsidesoratfunkywarehousesorinswankyballrooms,
newlymintedhusbandsandwivesproudlydeclaretofriendsandfamily,Imarriedmybestfriend.
Ifyouattendedaweddingthissummer,youlikelyheardthephrase,nowsostandardinromanticrhetoric
thatweforgetitsnotpartofthetraditionalceremony.Imarriedmybestfriendappearsinvows,
programdedications,toasts,andotherawwinducingmoments(nottomentionthecards,frames,cufflinks,
wineglasses,andotherEtsyinspiredwaresthatattendmodernweddings).
Thesentiment,repeatedinFacebookpostsonanniversaries,isshorthandforthespecialrelationshipwith
someonewearecomfortablewith,wholistens,loves,andencourages.FromsecularfolkstoChristianswho
firmlybelievethatGodsentthemtheone,nearlyallthemarriedpeopleIknowaresoblessed(or
lucky)togettospendtheirlivesweddedtotheirbestfriends.
Evenifcouplesdontannouncethattheyremarryingtheirbestfriend,manynewlywedsliveoutthis
philosophy,droppingoutofthefriendmakinggameoncetheyhavearingontheirfinger.Sociologistsfind
thatthesedays,wetypicallyformourmostmeaningfulfriendshipspriortoage28.Notcoincidentally,
thatsalsotheaverageagewegetmarried.
MarryingyourbestfriendisenoughofaculturalexpectationthatifIadmitIdidnt,peoplemightpityme.
Butheresthesecret:Imactuallytheluckyone.Ihaveahusbandwhoisntmybestfriend.AndIhavea
bestfriendwhomImnotmarriedto.Theyplaydifferentrolesinmylife,andIneedthemboth.
OnePersonCantMeetAllYourNeeds
ForChristians,marriageisarelationshipsetapart,whereinweassumethecaresandconcernsofourspouse
(1Cor.7:3235;Eph.5:2233)inawaythatsupersedesanyotherfriendship.Ofcoursemarriedpeople
findtheirmostsignificantrelationshipintheirhusbandorwifebutthatdoesntequatetobeingBFFs.
IworrythatthesayingImarriedmybestfriendconflatesthetwotypesofrelationships,distortingour
viewsofboth.
Researchershavealreadynoticedthetrend:Peopleincreasinglyexpecttheirhusbandsorwivestomeetall
theirsocialandemotionalneeds.Thephraseimpliesthat,sincemarriedpeoplehaveeachother,theydont
havebestfriendsanymoreanddontneedthem.Anditexaggeratestherisksyoungcouplesalreadyface:
settingupunhealthyexpectations,lookingtoeachotherasthesolesourceoffulfillment.Italsorelegates
bestfriendstotherealmofsingleness.
Makingfriendsinyourlate20sandbeyondisawholedifferentgame.Notonlyaretherefewer
opportunitiestomeetpeople,therearealsofewerpeopletomeet,sincemarriedfolkstendtopull
themselvesoffthefriendshipmarket.Plentyofyoungcouplesdedicatemoretimetocatchingupontheir
Netflixqueuethanseeingtheirneighbors,coworkers,andoldbuddies.MyhusbandandIhavebeenguilty,
andsohaveplentyofourfriends.TheyupdateFacebookaboutspendingyetanotherweekendin,joking
aboutbecomingaboringoldmarriedcouple.

Andyetfriendscanactuallysupportnotdetractfromourmarriages.PsychologyjournalistCarlinFlora
writesinherbookFriendfluence:
Puttingyourbestselfforwardfornewfriendsallowsyoutoshineandtoseeyourpartnerthroughneweyes
assheshines,too.Maintainingoldermutualfriendshipsalsostrengthensthebondbetweenlongterm
partners:Havingpeoplearoundwhothinkofthetwoofyouasaunit,whoadmireyourrelationship,and
whoexpectyoutostaytogethercansustainyouthroughtimesofdoubtordistance.
WhenIgotmarried,IknewIdidntwantustobecomeoneofthosecoupleswhostoppedmakingfriendsor
felloutoftouch.MaybeitsbecauseIknewIcouldntrelyonmyhusband,whoisintheArmy,toalways
betheretomeetmyneeds.OrmaybeitsbecauseIhavereallyincrediblefriends,whomIdmuchrather
seeTwilightwithoraskfashionadvicefromthanmyspouse.
Dontgetmewrong:Mymarriageremainsmypriority,theplacewhereGodhasdonethemosttoreveal
thegospeltome.Butwithoutmyfriends,myrelationshipwithmyhusbandandwithGodwouldsuffer.
Igainmuchfrombeingaroundothersandreceivingtheirperspectivesandtheirprayers.Timespentwith
friendsalsokeepsmefromidolizingmyhusbandasmyeverything,ahabitmanymarriedpeople
struggletoresist.
MakingFriendshipaPriority
IwanttointentionallybeopentothemultiplerelationshipsGodwillusetoworkinmylifeandthemany
opportunitiesImayhaveinothers.Butthosekindsofrelationshipsdonthappenbyaccident.Heres
wherefriendshipislikemarriage:Ittakeswork.
OnhersitcomTheMindyProject,MindyKalingdeclares,Abestfriendisntaperson.Itsatier.Imin
hercamp.Ihaveabestfriendfromgrowingup,abestfriendfromcollege,andothersfrommyearly20s.
Itdbeeasyfortheserelationshipstofizzleout,soImakeitaprioritytovisit,evenwhenitrequires
sacrifice,andtoregularlytext,call,andwriteinbetween.
WemovedaroundalotwhenIwasgrowingup.Alwaysthenewgirlinschool,Ithinkbacktoanotemy
momplacedinmylunchbox:Tomakeafriend,youhavetobeafriend.Decadeslater,Ivefounditstill
takesinitiativeandefforttosustainfriendships.IfwelooktoJesusasanexample,heselectedfriendsto
investin.Hehadabestfriend(John)andabestfriendtier(thedisciples).HesaystotheminJohn15:12
15(ESV):
Thisismycommandment,thatyouloveoneanotherasIhavelovedyou.Greaterlovehasnoonethanthis,
thatsomeonelaydownhislifeforhisfriends.YouaremyfriendsifyoudowhatIcommandyou.No
longerdoIcallyouservants,fortheservantdoesnotknowwhathismasterisdoing;butIhavecalledyou
friends,forallthatIhaveheardfrommyFatherIhavemadeknowntoyou.
VerseafterBibleversespeaksofthesweetness(Prov.27:9,ESV)andvalueoffaithfulfriends.God
wouldnthaveusgiveuptheserelationshipsformarriage,butcontinuetosharpen(Prov.27:17)andgrow
oneanotherinthisspecialcontext.
Weregularlytalkaboutupholdingandenhancingmarriageandfamilylifefortheirgospelwitness,aswe
should.Idlikeustostartdoingthesamewithfriendship.Weneedfriendsnotonlyforourhealth,careers,
andhappiness,butmoreimportantly,forthewaytheywitnesstooursiblinghoodinChrist.Andfromthe
meaningfultiesoffriendshipoftencomeopportunitiestointroduceotherstoJesus,theonewhocallsushis
friendsinthefirstplace(John15:15).

Ididntmarrymybestfriend.Instead,Imarriedmyhusband,withallmybestfriendsbesidemeto
celebrate.Itwasthehappiestdayofmylife.Igotandstillgettohaveboth.
KateShellnuttisassociateeditorofHer.meneutics,CTswomenssite.