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Best jokes ever according to unijokes.

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Yo mama jokes
Yo momma so fat when she goes camping the bears hide their food.
Vote: +1-1Joke has 88.81 % from 888 votes. Send joke: email
Black humour jokes
The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, i
nterviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 poss
ible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large m
etal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instruct
ions no matter what the circumstances.'
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kil
l her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The ag
ent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go hom
e.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into th
e room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his ey
es, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it
takes. Take your wife home.'
Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took
the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow.
'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch t
o death'.
Vote: +1-1Joke has 85.80 % from 948 votes. Send joke: email
Marriage jokes
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis
into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to ove
rcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"
"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into th
e pickle slicer?"
His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
Vote: +1-1Joke has 85.73 % from 221 votes. Send joke: email
Little Johnny jokes
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who cr
eated the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, too
k a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell b
ack asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April
didn't even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell
back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question.

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ON
E MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
Vote: +1-1Joke has 85.67 % from 5424 votes. Send joke: email
Little Johnny jokes
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny ask
ed, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can yo
ur penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Th
en you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, c
an I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your a
sshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa repl
ied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have s
ome of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?
" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go
fuck yourself.
Vote: +1-1Joke has 85.67 % from 812 votes. Send joke: email
Dirty jokes
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the f
ront yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are stick
ing in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the cl
ouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yel
ling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and th
ere was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm comi
ng, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have
lost her for sure!"
Vote: +1-1Joke has 85.60 % from 1641 votes. Send joke: email
Military jokes
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of
the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasnt physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually bec
ame an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery
Sergeant for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview.
At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, Do you notice anything differe
nt about me?
The Master Chief answered, Why yes. I couldnt help but notice you are missing your
starboard ear, so I dont know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, ans
wered, Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant .
He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master
Chiefs put together.

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
Do you notice anything different about me?
To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, Yes. You wear contact lenses.
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Mar
ine. And how do you know that? the Admiral asked.
The Gunny replied, Well sir, its pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.
Vote: +1-1Joke has 85.55 % from 902 votes. Send joke: email
Little Johnny jokes
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homew
ork that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the govern
ment is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the
government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, "Look at it this way: I m the presiden
t, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and you
r baby brother is the future."
"I still don t get it" responded the Little Johnny.
"Why don t you sleep on it then? Maybe you ll understand it better," said the da
d.
"Okay then...good night" said Little Jonny went off to bed.
In the middleof the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother s cryi
ng.
He went to his baby brother s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a c
rap in his diaper.
So Little Johnny went to his parent s room to get help.
When he got to his parent s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if h
is parents were asleep.
Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, buthis dad wasn t there.
So he went to the maid s room.
When he looked through the maid s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with h
is maid.
Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized somethingand thinks aloud
,
"OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force,
Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, andthe future is full o
f shit!"
Vote: +1-1Joke has 85.54 % from 4287 votes. Send joke: email
Marriage jokes
Husband takes the wife to a disco.
Theres a guy on the dance floor giving it large break dancing, moonwalking, back
flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed
to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like hes still fucking celebrating!!"
Vote: +1-1Joke has 85.54 % from 790 votes. Send joke: email
Jokes about life
Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the c
ar when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearl
y gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded,
St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don t know or cannot answer, then
you re worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you ll come with me to Hell.
"
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on S
ocrates Socrates teachings."
With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!"

With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.


The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorize
d!"
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. Th
e mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappear
ed too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"
The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said,"The third hole from the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it s from my asshole."
And the idiot went to heaven.
Vote: +1-1Joke has 85.51 % from 1790 votes. Send joke: email
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