You are on page 1of 10

Real Men Don`t Commit Adultery…

By Dr. Paul Charles

An epidemic of staggering proportions is taking place in our country. I`m not talking
about H.I.V AIDS. I`m thinking about adultery. It`s an epidemic that for the most part
used to afflict only those outside the Body of Christ. No longer. This epidemic has not
only found its way inside the church, but has wormed its way up to the highest echelons
of church leadership.

There`s something strange about this epidemic other than its rolling virtually unchecked
through the body of Christ. What is strange is that we don`t call it ‘adultery.’
Let`s cut the double-talk. Let`s put the cards on the table. Let`s call adultery what
it is. In the war on the family, adultery is treason. But we don`t call it treason. We
developed a more refined and sophisticated term. Adultery has become an affair!

When a man leaves his wife and children for another woman and acts impulsively as an
aroused high-school kid on his first date, it`s not an affair. It`s adultery!


That word has sort of a nice, light, airy ring to it. It certainly isn`t a judgmental term like
adultery. The word affair is fluffy and non-threatening. I`m sure you have been to a fair.
When you are there, you leave all the responsibilities of normal life behind, at least for a
few hours. Life is a lot of fun at the fair. Maybe that’s why we call adultery an affair.
It`s leaving behind your responsibilities.

Real men don`t have affairs because real men are responsible! Real men keep their
commitments. Even when their personal needs are not being met the way they would
hope. Even when they are disappointed in their wives for some reason.

Let`s track the word affair for a moment.

An affair is an escape from reality, or a search for meaning outside the marriage.
Ponder that definition for a moment. Think of the people you know personally who have
been involved in an affair. Does that describe their motivation? It probably does.

In the last several years we have seen numerous Christian Leaders exposed for their
affairs. No wonder we have a credibility crises in Christianity! We have seen too many
in recent years who have preached righteousness in the pulpit while practicing
unrighteousness in some hotel room.

Righteousness must not only be found in our pulpits, but in our homes. The home is the
church in miniature, and every Christian father has been appointed pastor of his own

home. Christian men, whether they are leading in the church or in their home, must seek
after righteousness.

How do Christian men get pulled into adultery and how can we protect ourselves from
having the same tragedy happen to us? Scripture gives the antidote when it says, ‘be very
careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise.’ Eph. 5v15
Do you remember the old hymn, Rise up, O men of God? Someone ought to write a new
one titled: Wise – up, O Men of God! Whether you are a Doctor, Lawyer, Businessman,
Pastor, Mechanic or salesman, an affair starts the same way. If we are to avoid the
quicksand, we must wise up to the schemes of the enemy.

Don`t play with sin! Don`t tempt the devil to tempt you!

Today, many have become accustomed to credit cards, which makes it possible to enjoy
almost anything now and pay later. The problem is that we do have to pay, and
sometimes at exhorbitant interest. We can`t have the enjoyment without the slavery. The
same principle applies to the enjoyment of sin. You have to pay! Some sins have greater
consequences than others, and the Apostle Paul singles out sexual sin in 1 Cor.6 v 18.

Sin is deceptive for three reasons.

 It does pay some immediate dividends.

Let`s be honest and admit that there is pleasure in sin. If sin was not enjoyable, the road
to sensuality and promiscuity would not be so well travelled. This means a lot to the
‘now’ generation.

 Sin also deceives us because most of its consequences are hidden.

James wrote, “But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and
enticed” (James 1 v14).
The word enticed is used of baiting a hook. Again, there is both immediate
gratification and concealment. The fish is promised something appealing without
understanding the consequences.

P.s. it is almost impossible to spit out a baited hook after you`ve taken it in.

 Sin is deceptive because because it appears controllable.

Whenever we get by, we develop confidence in our own ability to control our desires.

For example: an unmarried couple may think that they are able to stop before sexual
intercourse, and maybe they can. But everytime they overstep God`s boundaries their
consciences are deadened and their defenses weakened. Even if they pride

themselves in their technical chastity, they`re bound to find other sins in their lives
that are out of control. A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways, James 1v 8.
Yes, David did get his Bathsheba despite his sin! Samson did get his Delilah and
Judas his silver. But think of how much they paid!

Read Galations 6v 7. It is foolish to think that we can actually put one over God!

We reap what we sow

 Sin always reproduces sin. Sometimes more of the same sin.

David`s immoral life led to greater immorality – he stole another man`s wife and
committed adultery. He lost in a moment what it took a lifetime to gain.

 Sometimes we reap additional sins. David began with adultery and ended up with
murder. The principle applies to other sins as well. Dishonesty begets more
dishonesty. Getting by with stealing once, leads one to try it again. Each time the
grip becomes stronger.

We reap in a different season

Have you ever noticed how casual people are about sin? It seems as if God isn`t as strict
as He used to be. ‘Because God does not punish sinners instantly, people feel it is safe to
do wrong,’ Eccl.8v11.

If we entertain any doubts about God, we should remember that He never changes. He
hates sin as much as ever. God`s patience is not an indication that the sinner is getting
away with his wrong!

We reap more than we sow

Friend, Satan is a slow – dancer. He works undercover. His strategy is to inflame the
desires of the body and plant rationalizations in the mind. He skillfully uses the art of the
slow approach. Often he strikes suddenly but he uses the slow approach with committed
Christian men. He moves from the familiar to the unfamiliar. He is gratified when we
sin in our minds, and have no harmful effects, because he likes us to believe that we can
handle our own sins.

Remember Samson? His weakness was women, particularly the women of the
Philistines. He said no to Delilah three times before he gave in and told her the source of
his strength. Mark it well: Satan doesn`t care how many times we say no to temptation as
long as we stay in the vicinity of it! Eventually he`ll get us. Time is on his side. Give
him an inch today and he`s prepared to wait five or fifty years before he gets his mile.

We see this from the life of David. He thought he could keep his sin a secret, but God
had other thoughts about David`s immoral ways. Read 2Sam.12v12. Later David`s son
Absalom committed immorality publicly. David thought he could keep it a secret, but
God said He would personally see that all would become public. David said that the man
who stole the sheep should pay fourfold. He didn`t know he was speaking about himself.
Four of his sons died prematurely. First, Bathsheba`s son died. Second, Amnon raped his
sister Tamar. Then, Amnon was killed by Absalom because of this crime. Absalom in
turn was killed later because he wanted to take the throne away from David. And finally
Adonijah was executed because he wanted to be king. In the end, David came into
fellowship with God, but his children didn`t.

Sin is like yeast-a little bit leavens the whole lump. Its influence is much greater than its
size or shape, and its consequences are unpredictable. No wonder we need a Redeemer
to get us out of the mess! To try to do it ourselves is like attempting to mop the floor with
the faucet running. God wants us to understand that sin is a high priced item. Sin is the
most expensive thing in the universe. Nothing can cost so much. Pardoned, the cost falls
chiefly on the great atoning Substitute; unpardoned, it must fall on the head of the guilty

The idea that we can sin and take our chances began in the Garden of Eden. Eve thought
she could satisfy her sensual appetite and actually enhance her own status. Was it really a
reasonable gamble? The devastation that sin brought could never have been predicted!

 It usually begins with discontent.

Things have changed. It`s not the way it used to be between the two of you. You eat
at the same table, share the same bathroom, sleep in the same bed, but you might as
well be hundreds of miles apart. If there`s one word to describe your marriage, it`s
distance. You simply co-exist. The thrill is gone. Your marriage isn`t just
predictable, it`s boring. And you are disappointed.

 If there is a lack of sexual fulfillment, the frustration is especially

acute – and a man who is not fulfilled sexually is especially vulnerable to outside
temptation. Yet the sexual relationship is simply a reflection of the overall state of the
marriage. Remember the definition? An affair is an escape from reality, or a search
for fulfillment outside marriage.

This is how a typical affair gets started. You`re frustrated and disappointed with your
wife. Your needs aren`t being met. And the she comes along.

Here`s is where it gets tricky. It is what you do in that innocent situation that will either
make or break you. If you don`t make the right choices here, within a matter of weeks or
even days you are going to be emotionally hooked. And once you`ve swallowed a hook,
it`s almost impossible to spit it out.

The central issue here is how to avoid taking the hook. Most men don`t realize how
vulnerable they are in these situations. Every marriage has its down times, and if a man
doesn`t realize his increased vulnerability during these these phases, he is sure to get
himself in deep, hot waters.

 Don`t let that hook to lodge itself in your emotional jaw. Remember Paul`s
instruction in 1 Cor. 6 v 18. The modus operandi here is to flee immorality. Most
men flee but leave a forwarding address! Fleeing from immorality means we are able
to do different things in different situations.

It could mean that you will:

 Get on the bus, Gus

 Make a new plan,Stan
 Drop off the key, Lee
And set yourself free!

Many men ask themselves, what`s the harm? Wer`e just talking. That is precisely the
harm. Ninety-nine men out of a hundred don`t realize they are being set up by the

The problem with getting together and talking is this: the woman, you know the one in
particular, will be interested in what you have to say. As you discuss your ideas and
plans, you will undoubtedly find her to be encouraging. You will begin to sense an
attitude of understanding and appreciation that perhaps you haven`t gotten at home
recently. Whether you mean to or not, you will begin to compare her with your wife, and
your wife is going to lose. Why will your wife lose?

If you and your wife are struggling, this woman probably will be more understanding
than your wife. But, why is she more understanding? I hate to be the one to break the
news, but it`s probably because she doesn`t know you very well. All she sees is your
strong points. If she knew you as well as your wife does, would she be so understanding?
I doubt it!

If a man saw clearly at this point, he would realize that he is living in an unreal world.
That, rememmber, is the definition of an affair. It is an escape from reality or a search for
fulfillment outside marriage. The attraction is simply this: you are tired of fighting the
battle at home, and with this new companion there is no battle. That is the temptation.
But look out, friend. You`re about to step on a land mine.

Do you see how subtle the enemy is? If some attractive woman were to walk into your
office at 2pm, remove all her clothes, and say,’let`s get physical!’ You will call for
security. (You will look, but will send her out). That appraoch is too blatant. It repels
rather than attracts. So the enemy doesn`t use it on committed Christian men.

What does a man do when he gets up and realizes he`s on the verge of becoming
emotionally hooked with another woman? It has gone no further than an emotional
attraction. No physical moves have been made.

You have two options

1. The first is to realize that you are in almost over your head. You are in a dangerous
situation. You did not realize that you were standing so close to the edge of the cliff.
Suddenly, it is clear. The decision must be made to back off, to nip this thing in the
bud before it gets any further. And the decision must be made and acted upon

That`s the rational and wise response.

Brothers, if we are going to protect ourselves from the epidemic of adultery, we

must understand the process that leads to adultery. David sinned with his eyes and
mind before he committed adultery. That`s where David lost the battle – not when he
finally hit the sheets with Bathsheba.

2. The second response reveals a man who is already emotionally hooked. It`s
called rationalization. When a man says, ‘hey, it`s no bid deal, we`re just having
lunch and talking. I can handle it,’ then he has already taken the bait… hook, line and

Don`t flatter yourself, you can`t handle it!

A relationship can be sexual long before it becomes erotic. Just because I`m not touching
a woman, or just because I`m not envisioning specific erotic encounters, does not mean
I`m not becoming sexually involved with her. The erotic is usually not the beginning but
the culmination of sexual attraction.

This is the primary approach the enemy uses to lure a man away from his marriage. He
does it in such a subtle and innocuous/harmless way that most men never realize that they
are on their way to becoming dead meat.

Prov. 7 v 21-23 puts it this way:

‘‘With persuasive words she led him astray;

she seduced him with her smooth talk.
All at once he followed her
Like an ox going to the slaughter
like a deer stepping into a noose
till an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare,

little knowing it will cost him his life.’’

Sometimes we are so convinced that it couldn`t happen to us. Pride always comes before
a fall.

It could happen to you. It could happen to me. It has happened to my friends. It has
happened to yours. Better men than us have gone down. None of us are exempt. We are
in a spiritual battle and given the wrong circumstances, any one of us could go down at
any time.

We are in the greatest danger of all when we think we are safe. When a man begins to
think that this could never happen to him, then he needs to think again.

Have you ever noticed how many men in the Bible failed in the second half of life? Our
enemy is so cunning that he will wait even fifty years to set a trap. That`s precisely what
happened to King David.
That`s why we can never deceive ourselves into thinking we are somehow above sexual
sin. The moment you begin to view yourself in that light, you can be sure that your
carcass will be one day hanging in cold storage.

The problem is simply this: when you leave your wife to commit adultery with another
woman, you take yourself with you. And you are your biggest problem. I am my biggest
problem, and you are yours.
Maybe I don`t understand your marriage and situation. But, God does
understand. He fully comprehends the extent of your ‘misery.’ He understands the depth
of your frustration.

There is nothing wrong in desiring happiness, but horrendous problems develop when we
becom disobedient to attain it. God rewards the obedient, (1 Sam.2v30) and He is able to
do far more than any of us could ever ask or think. He knows your situation. He has not
forgotten you. And if you will remain faithful, you will see Him work on your behalf in
ways you cannot fathom.

If you are on the freeway looking for true happiness, do not take the exit marked
‘adultery.’ It may look like a short cut but it isn`t. It`s a dead end.
Keep driving until you find the exit marked ‘obedience.’ That`s the only road that will
get you to genuine happiness. What you are looking for cannot be found outside God`s
will. It is clearly not His will that you violate your marriage covenant.

The lure of adultery is that another woman will truly meet your needs. The lie of adultery
is that no other woman on the face of this earth, no matter how alluring, interesting or
beautiful, has the capacity to fully meet the needs of another human being. That`s why
adultery is the ultimate hoax. It promises what it cannot deliver!

Real men protect themselves against adultery. Real men think seriously about the
consequences of such an act. As they do, they ponder the facts, not the fantasies. They

consider the long-range implications of having a fling. They count the cost, and that`s
why they don`t do it – It isn`t worth it.

Let me address the man who is currently involved in adultery.

You know it`s wrong, and you want to stop. So what do you do? There is only one
solution and that is to take extreme action. Don`t ignore the private voice of God in your
heart. Deal with it now!


Many Christian men have become desensitized to the sin of adultery. It doesn`t scare us.
It doesn`t shock us. We`ve become used to it. Adultery used to mean betrayal. Now it
only means that some man was ‘trying to find himself.’ We describe it as a momentary
lapse in judgment.

Yet, the fact of the matter is that adultery is an unspeakable act of betrayal. Adultery
means that a man has sexual intercourse with a woman other than his wife. It means that
they meet in some carefully chosen place and violate the clear command of God. As the
lights are low and the commandments of God are even dimmer, he proceeds to kiss and
caress a woman other than his wife. It`s just a matter of minutes before they are naked
together in bed. At this point, there is no turning back. They are naked and not ashamed
– but they should be! Adultery has lost its meaning. Sexual intrcourse with a woman,
other than your wife is a monstrous betrayal.

Yes, there is forgiveness and grace to the one who has committed adultery. God offers
pure forgiveness and grace to cover all sins. We cannot afford to lose that principle.

Forgiveness is available to all. But forgiveness does not automatically restore the
privilege of leadership. Forgiveness is ‘free’ but leadership is earned. It is earned by the
power of a man`s life. Sin, although forgiven, always sets off practical consequences. A
mature, spiritual leader who sins and repents is forgiven, but he is not exempt from the
series of aftershocks that will come his way from his disobedience.

To serve as a leader in God`s church we need to remember that ministry is a character

profession. To put it bluntly, you can sleep around and still be a neurosurgeon. You can
cheat on your spouse and have little trouble continuing to practice law. You can be a
successful salesperson and cheat on your income tax. But you cannot do those those
things as a Christian and continue to enjoy the privilege of leadership. You must do right
in order to have true integrity. If you can`t come to terms with evil or break habits that

continue to bring reproach to the Name of Christ, please, do the Lord and His church a
favor and step down.

Some point out that David was allowed to keep his office of king even after his sexual
sin. That`s true. But in Israel, the king was not in a priestly office, in ministry. He was a
politician. The spiritual offices were prophet and priest. David didn`t lose his offfice
because he didn`t have a spiritual office. A spiritual leader is to be a man above reproach,
1 Tim. 3v2.

The offices of husband and father are also character professions. If a holy minister is an
awful weapon in the hands of God, then so is a holy husband.

Brothers, ‘don`t give the devil a chance,’ Eph.4 v 27.

The moral compomises in our churches and homes have got to stop. If we have given
ourselves permission to seek the company of other women because our wives aren`t
meeting our needs, we have lowered the biblical standards of holiness and have been
inappropriately influenced by our culture. We are the salt, and we have lost our saltiness.
If we ever hope to raise the moral standards outside the church, then we had better begin
by raising raising them within the church!

We live in a culture that thinks the Ten Commandments are too many and which
especially would like to cut the seventh. The 7th commandment clearly states, “ you shall
not commit adultery.” Yet it is precisely the 7th commandment that holds marriages

Hernando Cortez had a plan

He wanted to lead an expedition into Mexico to capture its vast treasures. When he told
the Spanish Governor his strategy, the Governor got so excited that he gave him eleven
ships and 700 men. Little did the Governor know that Cortez had failed to tell him the
entire plan.

After months of travel, the eleven shps landed in Veracruz, in the Spring of 1519. As
soon as the men unloaded the ships, Cortez executed the rest of his plan. He burned the

That`s what you call commitment. That`s what you call no turning back. That`s what you
call burning your bridges. Cortez didn`t have any bridges, so he burned his ships.

Brothers, if we are going to win the battle for our homes. If we are going to save our
families, then we must save our marriages. And there is only one way to save our
marriages. We have to burn our ‘ships.’

Burning your ship expresses commitment. Commitment is saying that you will keep your
word. A commitment is your pesonal guarantee that you will do what you promised. The

way to burn your ships in the war on the family is to become a one - woman - kind - of -
man. And let that woman be your wife!

You solemnly promised and publicly declared before God and other winesses to be a
loving husband in sunshine or in shadow, in gain or in loss, in trial or in triumph, and
keep yourself only unto her so long as you both shall live.

By God`s grace, we must keep our promises and be faithful to God and to our families.

A real man doesn`t commit adultery – Period!