ATTRACTION AND

LOVING OTHERS

INTIMACY:

LIKING

AND

From birth we have an intense need to belong connect with

others in enduring, close relationships.
Need to belong A motivation to bond with others in relationships that
promote ongoing positive interactions.

On the whole women tend to love men for their

character while men tend to love women for their
appearance. (Bertrand Russell)

Matching phenomenon the tendency for men and

women to choose as partners those who are a good
match in attractiveness and other traits.
People tend to select as friends and especially to marry
those who are a good match not only in their level of
intelligence but also to their level of attractiveness.

Friendships: what factors nurture liking and loving?

When I am not near the one I love, I love the one am near.

What about couples who are not equally attractive? The

less attractive person often has compensating qualities.

Proximity geographical nearness; functional

distance powerfully predicts liking.

Personal advertisements exhibit this exchange of

assets:

Sociologists have found that most people marry someone

who loves in the same neighborhood, or works in the
same company, or sits in the same class.

Men typically offer wealth or status and seek youth and

attractiveness; women more often dot he reverse: Men
who advertise their income and education, and woman
who advertise their youth and looks, receive more
responses to their ads.

1.

Interaction - it is not geographical nearness that is critical

but functional distance or how often peoples paths cross.

Physical attractiveness stereotype: halo effect

We become friends with those who use the same
entrances, parking lots, and recreation areas.
Interaction enables people to explore their similarities to
sense one anothers liking, and to perceive themselves as
a social unit.

Physical attractiveness stereotype the presumption

that physically attractive people possess other socially
desirable traits as well what is beautiful is good.
Who is attractive? Attractiveness is whatever the people
of any given place and time find attractive.

Why does proximity breed liking? :

availability there are fewer opportunities to get to
know someone who attends a different school or lives in
another town.
Anticipation of interaction merely anticipating
interaction boosts liking
Anticipatory liking expecting that someone will be
pleasant and compatible increases the chance of
rewarding relationship; we are biased to like those we
often see.
Mere exposure effect the tendency for novel stimuli to
be liked more or rated more positively after the rater has
been repeatedly exposed to them.

People judge women more attractive if they have babyfaced features, such as large eyes, that suggest non
dominance.
Men seem more attractive when their faces and their
behaviors suggest maturity and dominance
Attractive facial and bodily features do not deviate too
drastically from average. People perceive noses, legs or
statures that are not unusually large or small as relatively
attractive.
Symmetry another characteristic of strikingly attractive
people. In some respects, perfectly average is quite
attractive.
a.

2.

evolution and attraction

Physical attractiveness - good looks are great asset

Attractiveness and dating

a young womans physical attractiveness is

moderately good predictor of how frequently she
dates.

A young mans attractiveness is slightly less a

predictor of how frequently he dates.

Beauty signals biologically important information: health,

youth and fertility. Women are predisposed to favor traits that
signify an ability to provide and protect resources. That
explains why males prefer female characteristics that signify
reproductive capacity. It explains why physically attractive
females tend to marry high-status males and why men
compete with such determination to achieve fame and fortune.

men felt most attracted to women whose waits are 30

percent narrower than their hips a shape associated
with peak sexual fertility

b.

When judging males as potential marriage partners,

women too prefer a waist to hip ratio suggesting
health and vigor a muscular hunk was more likely
than a scrawny fellow to gather food, build houses,
and defeat rivals. But today women prefer even more
those with high incomes.
Men are especially prone to sexual jealousy, while
women are often more upset with their partners
emotional infidelity.
Men and women worldwide seek to display the
qualities that our ancestral history promises will bring
the best reproductive results. Thus women
predominate in plastic surgeons waiting rooms and
around cosmetic counters, and men tend to be more
preoccupied with accumulating and exhibiting
resources
contrast effect

e.g. After viewing a super attractive person of the same

sex, people feel less attractive than after viewing a
homely person.

c.

the attractiveness of those we love: love sees

loveliness

Not only do we perceive attractive people are likeable, we

also perceive likeable people as attractive.

Ingratiation the use of strategies, such as flattery, by which

people seek to gain anothers favor
Self-esteem and attraction - is anothers approval especially
rewarding after we have been deprived of it? Just like eating is
more rewarding after fasting?
* Love on the rebound
Gaining anothers esteem if approval after disapproval is
powerfully rewarding, then would we most like someone who
liked us after initially disliking us or someone who liked us
from the start?
Relationship rewards
We are attracted to those we find satisfying, and gratifying to
be with.
Reward theory of attraction the theory that we like those
whose behavior is rewarding to us or whom we associate with
rewarding events.
* if your relationship is to survive, its important that you both
continue to associate your relationship with good things.
LOVE
Robert Sternbergs triangular theory of love

Recall people who, as you grew to like them, become

more attractive. Their physical imperfections were no
longer so noticeable.
Discovering someones similarities to us also makes the
person seem more attractive.
Love sees loveliness: the more in love a woman is with a
man, the more physically attractive she finds him. The
more in love people are, the less attractive they find all
others of the opposite sex.
Similarity vs. complementarity
3.

Similarity: Do birds of the same feather flock

together?

a.
b.

likeness leads to liking effect

dissimilarity breeds dislike

a.
b.
c.

passion
intimacy
commitment

Passion motivational element of love. It is based on inner

drives that translate physiological arousal into sexual desire.
This type of love is emotional, exciting, and intense; a sense of
longing after another; feeling in love
Intimacy emotional element of love, involves selfdisclosure,, which leads to connection warmth, and trust.
Commitment cognitive component of love, it is the decision
to love and stay with the beloved.
Patterns of loving:
a.

Non love all components of love are absent; casual

interactions.

b.

Liking intimacy is the only component present;

there is closeness, understanding, emotional support,
affection, bondedness, and warmth.

c.

Infatuation passion id the only component present.

Love at first sight a strong physical attraction and
sexual arousal without intimacy or commitment.

d.

Empty love commitment is the only component

present. Found in a long term relationships that have

Complementarity: do opposites attract?

Complementarity the popularly supposed tendency, in a
relationship between two people, for each other to complete
what is missing in the other. The questionable
complementarity hypothesis proposed that people attract those
whose needs are different, in ways that complement their own.
Liking those who like us liking is usually mutual.
e.g. discovering that an appealing someone really likes you
seems to awaken romantic feelings.

lost both intimacy and passion, or in arranged

marriages.

e.

f.

g.

h.

Romantic love intimacy and passion are both

present. Romantic lovers are drawn to each other
physically and bonded emotionally; they are not
however committed to each other.
Companionate love intimacy and commitment are
both present. This is a long term committed
friendship, often occurring in marriages in which
physical attraction has died down, but in which the
partners feel close to each other and have made the
decision to stay close.
Fatuous love passion and commitment are present
without intimacy. Leads to whirlwind courtship, in
which a couple makes a commitment on the basis of
passion without allowing themselves the time to
develop intimacy; usually does not love despite the
intent to commit.
Consummate love all three components are
present; complete love which people strive for.

Clyde and Susan Hendrick identify three primary love styles:

a.
b.
c.

eros self-disclosing passion

ludus uncommitted game playing
storge friendship

Maintaining close relationships:

a.

b.

equity a condition in which the outcomes receive

from a relationship are proportional to what they
contribute to it.
Self-disclosure revealing intimate aspects of
oneself to others.
Deep, companionate relationships are intimate; they
enable us to be known as were truly as and feel
accepted.
Note: it is gratifying to be singled out for anothers
disclosure because not only to we like those who
disclose, we disclose to those whom we like.
Disclosure begets disclosure

Disclosure reciprocity the tendency for one persons

intimacy of self-disclosure to match that of a conversational
partner.
Ending relationships
The detachment process:
Deep longstanding attachments seldom break quickly;
detaching is a process not an event. Among dating couples the
closer and longer the relationship and the fewer the available
alternatives, the more painful the breakup.

3 ways of coping with a failing relationship:

1. Loyalty some people exhibit loyalty by waiting for
conditions to improve. The problems are too painful to speak
of and the risks of separation are too great, so the loyal partner
perseveres, hoping the good old days will return.
2. Neglect others most especially men exhibit neglect; they
ignore the partner and allow the relationship to deteriorate.
When painful dissatisfactions are ignored an insidious
emotional uncoupling ensues as the partners talk less and
begin redefining their lives without each other.
3.

Voice others will voice their concerns and take active

steps to improve the relationship by discussing problem,
seeking advice, and attempting to change.