THOUGHTS ON MAKING LONDON MORE EXINCLUSIVE

Rt. Hon Boris Johnson

Mayor of London
Greater London Authority
City Hall
The Queen's Walk
More London
London SE1 2AA
Dear Mayor,
Let me begin by congratulating you on your victory as MP for Uxbridge and South Ruislip at the
recently concluded General Election. I would also like to congratulate the Conservative Party on
securing another five-year mandate to govern the United Kingdom. Everywhere I go, I see the
smiles on peoples faces. I was at a restaurant in the City when BBC projected a Conservative
victory. We all gazed at the TV with our mouths wide open and began to cry like babies. We
couldnt believe our luck: banker bashing will stop, less regulation for us and hopefully more
money in the bank. I understand that a number of energy companies have declared two week
holidays for its employees; the share prices of luxury property developers are on the ascendency
and street parties are still being held in the various tax havens that dot the British Isles. The tax
evaders cant believe their luck. There couldnt be a better time to be affluent, ambitious and
influential.
I am also glad to see that our beloved party has got the ball rolling. It is barely two weeks since
we got elected and already we plan to cut the Disabled Access to Work Fund and have
announced a new tough regime on migrants. Hopefully if we can starve the migrants by
withholding their salaries, it would deter others from coming to Britain. People might call us the
nasty party, but if they really think that we are nasty, why did they give us a mandate?
The purpose of this letter is to offer some practical suggestions on how to make London the preeminent city in the world (feel free to share with your colleagues in Westminster). I know you have
spent the past eight years trying to transform London into a first class city, however more can be
done. I am a bit disappointed with the progress we have made in making London a gentrified city.
London can never be a first class city as long as she has second-class citizens roaming the street
of our great city. In the next couple of pages, I will discuss why and how we should accelerate the
gentrification of London.
London is one of the great cities of the world, but it can still be greater. The success of our great
party is linked to Londons success. If we can make London a gentry colony, the possibility of our
party ruling the UK for a thousand years will become a reality. So far, our attempts have yielded
some small victories. We are gradually displacing the poor people of Brixton and Hackney; house
prices throughout London are at elevated levels and a number of oligarchs are snapping up
properties in the highbrow areas. But we need to be bolder. I suggest you set up a gentrification
task force with the mantra: Making London Richer, Whiter and Classier. The task force should be
given the following mandate: a) Make London a poverty free zone b) Replace all forms of social
housing with private housing c) Create a pure London by stripping it off its brown, black, yellow
and red elements and d) Make London the epicenter of unfettered capitalism.
One reason why we have been unsuccessful with our gentrification agenda is because our
messaging has been ineffective. We have not been able to articulate properly the justification and
benefits of a gentrified London. May I suggest you appoint without delay Katie Hopkins as our
Gentrification Tsar. Katie did a sterling job in responding to the drowning of the migrants in the

Mediterranean Sea. The level of poverty is on the rise. We have the homeless littering the streets
and thousands of people living on food banks. The elevated level of poverty is a threat to
London's position as a global financial hub and it is bringing down Londons per capita GDP;
hence why we need to carry out a 'Kosovo-style cleansing' of the poor.
Furthermore, the possibility of future riots in London makes it unsafe for the aristocrats to walk
freely on the streets. Have you been following the events taking place in Ferguson and
Baltimore? We can't afford to have riots near the financial district, as it would be a threat to lives
and more importantly to property. Unfortunately, this is a possibility as long as we have black
people in London. Something drastic has to be done to purify the city. I am aware that some
people may play the race card and accuse me of racism. They are wrong because not only do I
have a black sounding name, but also my best friend is black? We must get rid of black crimes
like car jacking and burglary which cost a couple of quid, but let us legalise white crimes like
LIBOR rigging, tax evasion and money laundering by oligarchs and corrupt dictators which cost
tax payers only a couple of millions of pounds.
Another justification for gentrification is because we need to reward our supporters. In the run up
to the General Elections, a number of property developers came to our rescue when our backs
were against the rope. Remember how they contributed 3.3 million to our cause in 2011? I
presume the market expects us to be favourable to the developers because the share prices of
luxury property companies went up shortly after our election victory. Failure not to gentrify London
will disappoint not only the market, but also our benefactors.
If we claim to be the party of aspiration, we have to make London aspirational to people. For too
long, the plebs have taken London for granted. If we can rid London of the poor, working class
and the disabled, they will become more ambitious and work harder so that they can afford to live
in London. Separation is the best way of promoting aspiration.
I know that some members of our party maybe sceptical about the plan, but you can use the
following selling points to convince them: a) Gentrification will boost London's per capita GDP and
productivity b) It enables us to reduce the deficit by raising property taxes on overinflated
properties c) It could serve as a model for our devolution plan for other cities in the UK and d) It
would be possible for the political elites to chillax with the gentry throughout the metropolis
without fear of getting mugged.
Having discussed the justification and benefits of gentrification let me now move on to the
practical steps our party can implement to make our programme a success.
We will need a strong and effective police force to enforce law and order throughout the 33
gentrified London boroughs. The present Metropolitan and City of London Police force are ill
equipped to carry out this function. Since London will become the domain of the high and mighty,
it is critical that our new hosts feel safe. I recommend that you privatise the police force without
delay. Perhaps G4S could assume policing duties throughout London. This will be a win win
situation for all. The rich will be protected and the government will save millions of pounds. To
make London inaccessible to the unemployed, the homeless, the bloody immigrants and the
disabled we could introduce a market based solution to incentivise the police. We could offer
each police officer 400 for every destitute arrested. We could also create a London Border
Agency to control the borders. Anyone coming into London must have a visa, which will cost
200,000. May I also suggest that you designate London a Green Zone and get the best
engineers to build a wall around London similar to that of the Wall Of Jericho. The London Jericho
Wall should be electrified, however it is should be designed in such a way that it doesnt harm the
rich and influential if they accidentally touch it.
Language can be used as an effective tool to make London inaccessible to the working class.
You could issue a Received Pronunciation Act, which makes it illegal for anyone in London to
speak in any accent apart from a posh accent. Anybody caught speaking with a cockney accent

should be banished from London while those with foreign accents should be detained unless they
have a net worth of 2 million. We should instruct BBC to change the cast of Eastenders to
people who speak the Received Pronunciation English accent. Some human right agitators may
start to complain, but they will have no basis to complain once we have scrapped the Human
Rights Act.
As we try to gentrify London, we must be careful not to make it obvious that we only want the rich
to stay in London. While London should be a no go area for the migrant, the poor and the working
class, we should try to accommodate some of the middle class. I have done some analysis and
found out that in the general scheme of things, the middle class as a social group is more aligned
to the riches of the rich than the poverty of the poor. Very often, they see themselves as superior
to the poor and working class and equal to the super rich even though many are only two or three
pay cheques away from poverty. So we need them on our side. We will tangle the carrot in front
of them and as long as they aspire to eat the carrot, they will dance to our tune. Once we get
the buy-in from the middle class, our job is done. They could help us tell the poor that London is
not meant for paupers; they could help us tell the working class that they need to work hard in
order to live in London. We should also offer tokens to a few black middle class to live in London.
You will be surprised at the wonder these tokens could do. Some of these black middle class
Londoners will support our clampdown on immigrants and the gentrification of London.
We should also accelerate the continuous replacement of social housing with luxury apartments.
Some may ask where should we put the council tenants? Easy. We can ship them to Scotland
where they can keep Nicola Sturgeon occupied. In addition, our cuts to the public sector should
help rid London of its public sector population; I have always believed that London will be better
off with private sector oriented people.
If we want to make London the epicenter of unfettered capitalism, we need a new approach. I
strongly recommend we banish all forms of religion in the capital and promote only one religion:
CAPITALISM. Once all the destitutes have been sent packing, we should order the gentlemen to
drop their golden watches, the gentle-teenagers their gold earrings and the gentle-ladies their
golden necklaces in front of Bank Station. The gold deposited at the station should then be
molded by the best goldsmith into a golden calf. Once the golden calf has been created, it should
be transferred to an elevated altar opposite Canary Wharf Station. A bank holiday should be
declared when all Londoners congregate and bow before the god of money and make a public
declaration saying, You are the god of London who delivered us from the bondage of poverty.
We can revise the educational curriculum so that our children are trained in the ways of
unfettered capitalism so that when they are old, they will not depart from it. They must memorise
the Ten Commandments of unfettered capitalism, which are as follows:
i.)
ii.)
iii.)
iv.)
v.)
vi.)
vii.)
viii.)
ix.)
x.)

The market is a human being

The market has no moral limit
The market cannot be questioned
The market is always right
The word MARKET must always be in capital letters
Regulation is sinful
Richness is next to godliness
Inequality is justifiable
The hottest place in hell is reserved for the poor
Compassion is a vice that should be avoided

Before I round up, Id like to say something about the media. We must try to engage the services
of your former colleagues in the media, as the success of our programme is dependent on the
support we get from them. The media play a key role in shaping public opinion in London. We
could get them to use fear as a weapon. Just as they demonised the bloody immigrants

especially the Roma people to sway opinion in favour of immigration reforms, perhaps they can
demonise poor Londoners so as to sway public opinion in favour of gentrification.
In conclusion, I am conscious that you have around one year before your tenure as London
Mayor expires. We therefore have to act fast and complete the gentrification process. Since we
have got a fresh mandate, we better strike the iron while it is hot before people change their mind.
If we succeed, we will be on course towards a one thousand year rule.
Selah.
Yours faithfully,
Alatenumo Xavi
May 2015
PS:
I have asked Ahmed Sule my secretary to draft this letter on my behalf. I trust Ahmeds judgment
and would not expect him to misinterpret what I have dictated to him. In case he has
misinterpreted me, I bear no responsibility for the contents.
Cc
Conservative Party
Foxton Estate Agents
Knights Walk Campaign
Lambeth Council
Reclaim Brixton
Archbishop of Canterbury
Professor Loretta Lees
Just Space
Southwark Notes
Save Earls Court
Save Our Sutton
Royal Borough of Kensington & Chelsea
Hackney Housing Group
Haringey Housing Action
Shepherd's Bush Market Tenants' Association
Save Portobello Road Market
Ravensbury Grove