HOW DO YOU SEE HER?

INTRODUCTION.

When I ask, “how do you see her”, I want you to think and consider what comes to your mind when
you see that pretty, petite young lady parading and displaying her natural beauty, sometimes
oblivious of the reactions she is stirring up in you. I ask you as a man to think about your feelings and
mindset about the fairer sex and the part you are to play in their lives and they are also to play in
your life.

May I suggest to you certain ideas you might have about this specie of mankind and ask you to
consider whether they are worthwhile or profitable.

(1) Do you see her as a sex object mainly as existing to satisfy your sexual urges?
(2) Do you see her as a weakling to lord over and turn into your servant?
(3) Do you see her as a pawn to be used for your economic interests?
(4) Do you see her as a gem in the rough whom would shine forth with just a little polishing and
training?
(5) Do you see her as an inferior or an equal?
(6) Do you see her as one who needs cover and protection from the harsh realities of the
world?

I am sure there are other ideas you have that I have not listed but these will suffice for now. Now let
us think together.

(1) A Sex object: Most young and old men think about women merely as sex objects and spend
more of their time scheming on how to get them into bed. Such men cannot conceive of any
other purpose for befriending a woman apart from getting her into the sack. Such men
cannot see any other virtue in a woman except her sexual permissiveness and availability.
Frankly, without passing any value judgment, the sexual urge is a strong biological need that
drives both men and women and must not be swept under the carpet especially in a world
that has been infiltrated with materials of a sexual content which further fuel the sexual
urges.
However my idea here is to ask, “is it right to see a girl as a mere sexual object” and treat her
as such? Does it not bring up images of a predator stalking a prey when we think about a
man conjuring up lies and stories just to get to sleep with a woman and then send her to the
cleaners while he searches for another prey? Does the fact that the girl presents herself as a
sex object only interested in sex and also enjoys the sex and even asks for it, make it correct
to see her as such? Does it in any way reduce her inherent worth to be seen as a sex object
by men? Does this attitude reduce the manliness and worth of a man or does it prove that
he is more of a man than others?
After scoring all these victories with women and conquering them sexually, would a man
when he finally wants to get married, be satisfied with a woman who is also a sex object and
whom other men think of and treat as such? Do we think a man can continue to ravish every
woman he meets in his unmarried years and end up marrying a woman of virtue or have his
own children or wife protected from sexual predators? Are there other beautiful things
about a woman than just her sexual availability that we miss as men when we fixate on their
 sexuality? And is it this idea of women as sex objects that have led to the rash of
unfaithfulness and failed marriages and incontinence in the world? Do I have a duty imposed
by nature on me as a man towards women which I fail in, by treating them as mere sex
objects.
These are just questions we could think about. The sexual need is strong, but I believe the
strength of uncorrupted manhood, is the ability to sublime a need for the fulfilment of a
higher cause. Even if we don’t believe in God, I am sure we must in our rational moments
ask ourselves, ”what value is my life, when I am obsessed with the idea of sex and cannot
see nor enjoy all the other pleasures of womanhood nor control the sexual urge for the sake
of higher goals”?
(2) A Weakling To Be Lorded Over And Turned Into A Servant.
Are Women really weak? If they are weak, what is the nature of their weakness? Is it right to
exploit them and lord it over them, if they are weak. What about their strengths? And are
you also as a man not weak in certain things? What if a stronger man begins to lord over you
and turn you into a servant?
The bible calls the woman the weaker sex and this has been explained to mean physical
weakness as compared to the man and not an inferiority as the term ‘weaker’ also implies
that the man himself is also weak.
Would you not think that the weak should be protected by the strong and helped to
overcome their weaknesses and also become strong? Is that not the reason why babies are
born into families that are supposed to take care of them and nurture them till they grow
and become strong and able to fend for themselves? Would it be considered rational for a
father or mother to turn their children into servants and slaves, because they are weak and
unable to fend for themselves?
(3) A pawn for economic interests.
If the man is the head, is he permitted to use the one he is leading or heading to make
money? If he is the head, is he not in duty bound to provide the economic sustenance for
the one he claims he is leading?
Is it not a shirking of responsibility to see the so called weaker sex as your meal ticket? Is
there a reduction in value of the able bodied man who begins to see the weaker vessel as his
provider?
Men that traffic in women, what do you think? Men that befriend women just for their
money, what do you think? Economy is bad, right? Hope the bad economy has not made us
less than men.
(4) Inferior or Equal?
Do you feel condescending towards the women, as if you were doing them a favour by your
relating with them? Do you think they have nothing to offer(except maybe sex)? Do you feel
they are way down beneath you and are not to be taken serious or considered in serious
discussions? Do you think they are just like animals and should be treated as such, that is, to
domesticate and tame them?
Or do you see them as equals, created equally as human beings and very relevant and
important to the normal functioning of you as a man? Do you think and realize that without
them, there will be a marked lack of vitality and colour in life? Have you ever come to the
realization, that even though you might think more accurately and analyse most proficiently,
 but many of their unreasoned comments sometimes demonstrate such depth, that they get
the problems solved?
In the final analysis, how you see them will determine whether you will really benefit from
their inherent wealth.
(5) A demonised instrument and abode for the devil

This is basically a religious mindset. I do not neglect the reality that a religious person must
daily feel assaulted by the incessant barrage of sexual permissiveness and promiscuity that
characterize the women of our days, and may even cite the scriptures as proof that the devil
usually will employ the women to bring down a man and enslave him and turn him away
from God. However I also believe that most women that have turned to sexual
licentiousness, have gone that way either out of ignorance, a feeling of helplessness and
frustration with life, an unsatisfied craving for love starting from home, and a response to a
world which they feel is unfair or hypocritical.

Thus even if a woman is demonized through indiscriminate sexual activity, did not Jesus
drive out the demons from demonized Mary Magdalene? Could he have done that if he
dismissed her as demonised and unworthy of his love and attention?

(6) A rough Gem, needing polishing and a dove needing covering.

Do you ever see a woman and see a generation passing through her tutelage and care? Do
you see a woman, no matter how crude and think about the wealth of influence she will
exercise if she were polished and were able to demonstrate a proficiency in her chosen
field? Have you ever thought about what a positive force a confident woman who
understands her worth and who has developed her strengths can be over your children and
the many others who do not know the way to go?
Have you ever experienced the exquisite and sublime pleasure of having a woman who
knows her onions thrill you with her cultivated mind and realized the impetus it gives to
keep pressing for the heights? Or are you afraid of a woman whose mind is strong and you
are afraid that you will not be able to control her?
Have you considered the stresses that you have to face every day as a man and wondered
how a woman can cope with such stress without crumbling, caving in or compromising her
high standards? Have you felt that you have a duty to protect them and make it easier for
them to make their way through life unscathed? Or do you think the difficulty of life makes it
easier for you to take advantage of them, since they have no other option?

This short treatise has been an attempt to make you think about activities you have performed by
rote without giving it much thought or which you normally dismiss as religious peccadilloes of
extreme religionists. I have not tried to answer the questions but I have my views.

Simply put, our sisters are precious people. They are not inferior. They have more to them than
mere sexuality? The bible seems to relegate them to the background, but I see the love of their
creator in placing them under the care of a man whom should shield them from the perils of life in a
world that is hostile. They suffer a lot of disadvantage in our world because men do not understand
their role as men and the importance of women in the scheme of things.
That they do not understand the dignity of their person is the shame and failure in their education
and development and exposes the failure of our traditional ideas about women. Freud would accuse
them of penis envy without coming to terms with the counteracting importance and indispensability
of their womb- the melting pot of life. May I philosophically call it “the uterus advantage”

Our sisters are not merely sex objects. Those that see themselves that way, need therapy and
reorientation since they have lost their self value. They are first of all our sisters before they become
our lovers and wives. They have a lot to offer. The balance and future conduct of our children
depend on them. Their weakness is not fatal and that is the reason why they need to be cherished
and nourished or trained to exercise authority and to rule with their future husbands. Their
strengths are meant to complement and fill up for the weaknesses of the man. They most need the
education of their minds, because strength which flows from the spirit of a man/woman is enhanced
by the power of his/her mind.

They are not inferior, nor are they chattels to be transferred or used for economic reasons. Even if
they are demonised, they can become bastions of development if properly trained and loved. They
have a greater need for intimacy and love and protection than the men and this should place a
burden on our manly hearts to shelter and protect them. They are not our servants and relationship
with them should be based on mutual respect and service.

I long for a world where women are so confident of their worth that they will never think of selling
themselves because they are searching for someone to love them and make them feel important.
And a world where our brothers can see the greatness in our sisters without having to devalue them
by demanding for what they are not willing to give and may want to reserve for their husbands. A
world where we mutually enjoy ourselves as male and female without leaving scars on our
emotional psyche.

We may all not have perfectly lived up to this standard. I have many times been tempted to think
differently and act differently from these lofty ideals. But I never give up. I can be better and so can
you. When I think right and entertain right opinions which conduce with reality, I am not just helping
society but I am helping myself in more ways than I can imagine. We can start all over to build a
better world for us and our children. Why don’t we support our ladies, educate them rightly and
show them how important they are, not just with rhetoric but with true love and care. I think the
world will be a better place that way.

NONSO ATTOH

23/03/10