C101 Week 4 Response

I think I read somewhere that when you have writers block, the best remedy is to just
start writing, even if the beginning isnt very good. The thing is, I know exactly what I mean to
say, but I dont know exactly how to put it into words.
On second thought, I do know how, but am hesitant. Why do I hesitate? Am I just
uncomfortable, ashamed, and guilty of the unavoidable reality of my sin? Sure, but isnt the
marvelous thing that Jesus died and resurrected so that it doesnt have to be so? Yes, thats true.
Here we go.
In many ways, you could consider this my testimony. I was born and raised in a
Protestant church by Christian parents, who had me watch VeggieTales and read the stories of
David and Goliath; Joshua and the Battle of Jericho; Jonah and the Giant Whale; and Moses and
the Red Sea out of a picture Bible. As far as I can remember, Sunday mornings meant Sunday
school, a long sermon, and donuts if I was well-behaved. During the week, I studied dutifully
and learned all about math, science, English, and God during the seven-and-a-half-hour days of
privately-owned Christian schooling I received Monday through Friday. By most accounts, I was
a good kid: I did all my homework on time, got good grades, listened to my parents, did my
chores, said please, thank you, and excuse me.
After moving to public school in the fifth grade, perhaps because I had no exposure to
much of anything else, I held on to the legalism that can too easily be twisted out of Christian
doctrine. Unfortunately, it wasnt until much later that I realized the truth of that; having prayed
the sinners prayer and made a decision several times during chapel, summer church camps,
and occasionally when I was bored and wanted to make sure I got to heaven, I went on for
several years in that delusion.
The move to public school, in hindsight, was a blessing, although my first reaction is to
also call it a curse. Public school was a far cry from the cloistered, carefully managed religious
life of the Christian school I spent much of elementary school in (or maybe it was just because
the kids were older, Im not sure).
Throughout this time, beginning perhaps vaguely in middle school, but only getting a
name in my junior year of high school, I realized a weird sort of difference between myself and
other guys my age. That I had a harder time connecting with them might be a good way to put it.
When Id hang out with my friends, wed talk about things going on, but I just didnt really
understand it when they talked about sports or rap music or things like that. When a few of them
started dating, I didnt really understand that, either. I mean, I knew I was supposed to date a girl,
get married (after graduating college and getting a job, of course, but thats beside the point), but
I figured it would make more sense to me later.
Junior year of high school, however, I began to be drawn, emotionally and physically to
one of my closer friendswho also happened to be a guy. It was a gradual process, but one day I
found myself thinking that I wanted to just kiss him. Thats when the weird sort of difference
found a name: gay. Id heard the word before from other kids, but also in church, where being

gay meant wanting to have sex with any and every other guy on the planet, meant go directly to
jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200, meant being everything that was wrong in the world.
The first part clearly didnt apply to me; I wasnt about to go around and sleep with whoever
happened to catch my eye, but I wasnt so sure on the second and third bits. So I kept quiet,
because by whatever count I had heard thus far, I wasnt right.
For months I prayed and prayed, asking for the feelings to go away, but they didnt.
Desperate to fulfill the expectation of liking girls, I turned to pornography. In the effort to fix
myself, I became addicted, hiding behind closed doors, listening carefully for footsteps coming
down the hall, staring into a bright screen at late hours in the night. It didnt work. Eventually, I
gave up trying to make myself straight, but the pornography addiction continued. Soon enough,
it came to be too much, and I wanted out, but I was stuck. Id wake up one morning saying to
myself that today would be a new day and I wouldnt do that thing again, but by nightfall, Id
almost inevitably give in once again. There might be a few days where Id be good and be
really proud of myself, but those ended too soon in failure.
At the same time, I grew more distant from my friends at school. More and more of them
were pairing off, but that didnt entirely explain the distance. Looking back, its not difficult to
realize that I labored under the delusion that I didnt really need other people, a delusion in all
likelihood significantly perpetuated by my addiction.
As it happens, the friend I like-liked found a girlfriend. When I heard, I was
heartbrokenI distinctly remember feeling a literal, physical pain. I shrugged it off and put on a
happy face for the rest of the school day and for my family, but that night as I lay in bed was the
loneliest night of my life. If my closest friend couldnt like-like me in that way, who could? I
didnt know where to turn. To clarify, my attraction wasnt something completely and carnally
sexual, far from it. While that certainly played a part, I was drawn to more than that. I wanted a
guy to wake up next to and have breakfast with, someone whose hand I could hold and give hugs
to, but be able to sit in silence with and not feel a need to say anything. In short, a guy to
intimately share life with. Its not some bang-down-doors, surround-the-house, pagan-rituals,
depraved anything goes sort of thing.
That didnt jive with what I had heard from outspoken church members. By divine
sovereignty, my youth pastor had for several weeks been urging the youth to start making our
faith our own. I turned to the Bible. I wrestled with it. Eventually, I found God. (Although its
probably more accurate to say that God finally got through to me.) By his grace through faith,
the addiction lessened in its hold on me. I cant say that its disappeared entirely, but regular
communion with God has by and large replaced itGod became real and personal, ever-present.
Of course, when giving God an inch, Hes wont to go on for several thousand more miles, and
He did. I found myself being more patient, caring, interested in others and what they had to say. I
didnt have to be right all the time, and my friends were friends again. After shunning the friend I
felt had abandoned me for a girlfriend, our relationshipas just friendsbegan to mend.
The feelings in general havent gone away, though. I still sometimes see a guy and,
thinking in the terms of our generation, want to ask him on a date. But I usually refrain. Partly

because Im really shy when it comes to that sort of thing, and partly because I dont need to, not
right now, at least; in other words, Im not really looking. There are so many things to learn, so
many new friends to make, so much of the harvest to gather, there isnt time to make the
pursuance of a romantic relationship a priority. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness, and all these things shall be
added unto you. Matthew 6:33
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In
all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those
who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven
Ecclesiastes 3:1