Modern Family

Mirror, Mirror

by
Betsy McNeely

#WGA 1428054
 ACT ONE

JAY & GLORIA INTERVIEW

JAY
Would I change anything about my
wife’s looks?

Jay and Gloria look blankly into the camera for a moment,
then burst into uproarious laughter.

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

CAMERON
One thing I would change about
Mitchell’s looks? Ooh, that’s a
tough one. Let me think...

MITCHELL
Aw, that’s sweet.

CAMERON
I can only pick one thing?

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY-DAY

Cameron is packing supplies into a beach bag.

CAMERON
(calling off)
Mitchell, the whole point of a
sunset picnic at the beach is to
actually see the sun set.

Mitchell enters from the bedroom, wearing a dress shirt

buttoned to his chin, jacket, dress slacks. Cameron eyes him
up and down.

CAMERON (CONT’D)
What, no tie?

MITCHELL
Why? You think I should? I wasn’t
sure... yeah, you’re right. Just
give me a second.

He hurries back to the bedroom.

 2.

CLAIRE & PHIL INTERVIEW

PHIL
I wouldn’t change a thing. I mean,
getting old together, seeing those
bags and wrinkles appear? That’s
what marriage is all about, right?

Beat.

CLAIRE
(coughing into her fist)
Ear hair.

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

CAMERON
Actually, there is only one thing.
And we both know exactly what it
is.

MITCHELL
We do?

CAMERON
Don’t play dumb. You know what I’m
talking about.

MITCHELL
Oh. That.

CAMERON
Yes. That.

JAY & GLORIA INTERVIEW

Jay and Gloria are still laughing.

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

CAMERON (CONT’D)
I designed an extremely tasteful
tattoo, with the initials M, C and
L, intertwined inside a heart. To
symbolize our family.

MITCHELL
It’s a bit much.

CAMERON
It’s a statement. But it loses its
meaning if I’m the only one
sporting it.
 3.

MITCHELL
Yes, well, I have a pathological
loathing of needles.

Beat.
And tattoos.

CLAIRE & PHIL INTERVIEW

CLAIRE
You know, I have been mistaken for
Haley’s sister.

PHIL
Really? When?

CLAIRE
Um... just last week, as a matter
of fact. At the dry cleaners.

PHIL
You mean Mrs. Johnson? Honey, she’s
blind as a bat. She mistakes me for
Haley’s sister too.

MITCHELL & CAMERON INTERVIEW

MITCHELL
What would I change about Cameron’s
appearance?

Mitchell gets a deer caught in headlights look.

CAMERON
Oh, it’s all right. You can say it.

MITCHELL
Really? You’re okay with it?

CAMERON
I’m fine. It’s not like it’s any
secret. It’s the big, pink, gay
elephant in the room.

MITCHELL
I wouldn’t put it that way--

CAMERON
He wants me to get my nipples
pierced.

Mitchell resumes the shined deer look.

 4.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Cameron is folding laundry. The television is on. Suddenly he

reacts to what’s on it: an ad for an exercise video starring
an impossibly ripped, tanned Adonis.

CAMERON
(calling off)
Mitchell. Get in here. You are not
going to believe this.

Mitchell enters.

CAMERON (CONT’D)
Isn’t that...?

MITCHELL
Hey. Trevor. Yeah, he told me he
was starting up a personal training
business.

CAMERON
He told you? When?

MITCHELL
When we had lunch last week. I told
you.

CAMERON
No, I think I would remember you
telling me that you had lunch with
your ex. Especially an ex you said
you broke up with because he didn’t
care about his appearance, and who
is suddenly in our living room
looking like Mr. Universe.

MITCHELL
Actually, he is Mr. Universe this
year. Pretty amazing, huh? He used
to be bigger than you.

Off Cameron’s look:

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
I mean... he’s okay, you know... if
you like that sort of thing. Which
I don’t. Ew. Um... oh, is Lily up
from her nap already?

Mitchell hurries off to Lily’s room.

 5.

MITCHELL INTERVIEW

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
I wouldn’t be unhappy if Cameron
lost some weight. And it has
nothing to do with attractiveness.
I’d love him even if he weighed a
thousand pounds.
(softly)
Please dear God don’t make me prove
that.
(normal)
I just want him to be healthy. And
to set a good example for Lily. But
every time he tries to diet he
gets... well...

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - FOOTAGE

Mitchell is in the kitchen, jotting something down on a note

pad. Cameron is in the living room.

MITCHELL
Cam? I’m making out a grocery list.
Do you want me to pick up some more
of that brie you like?

Cameron leaps off the couch, hysterical.

CAMERON
Don’t judge me, Mitchell! I’m doing
the best that I can! Not everybody
was blessed with the metabolism of
a hummingbird, you know!

Cameron flees to the bedroom and slams the door.

MITCHELL INTERVIEW

MITCHELL
Nope. I am perfectly fine with him
just the way he is.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Jay is at the table while Gloria is preparing lunch. Manny

enters, dejected. He slumps into a chair across from Jay.

GLORIA
What’s wrong, Papi?

MANNY
Tiara Michaels won’t go out with me
because I’m fat.
 6.

GLORIA
What? Miejo, you are not fat. You
are just going through a little
husky phase. You probably
misunderstood her.

MANNY
I don’t think so. I said “Tiara,
would you do me the honor of
attending the Fitness Challenge
picnic with me?” And she said “No.”
And I said “Why not?” And she said
“Because you’re fat.”

JAY
Yep, no misunderstanding that.

GLORIA
Please. I’m sure you could do this
fitness challenge better than any
boy in your class.

MANNY
You think? Yeah, maybe you’re
right. If I started training now,
then I could show Tiara my physical
prowess and she’ll be dying to go
out with me.

GLORIA
See? That’s my boy.

JAY
Hang on a sec there,
Schwarzenegger. As I recall fencing
and tango are not part of the test.
It’s about endurance and strength.

MANNY
Would you train me?

GLORIA
That’s an excellent idea.

JAY
Sure it is. I’ve been meaning to
get that pesky first heart attack
out of the way for a while now.

EXT. JAY & GLORIA’S BACKYARD - DAY

Jay and Manny are dressed in workout attire, seated on the

ground. Manny struggles to do a sit up.
 7.

MANNY
(grunting)
Nine...

JAY
Two.

Manny glares at him. Strains through another sit up.

MANNY
Three...

JAY
Two...

MANNY
What? You said the last one was
two.

JAY
The last one was a half.

Gloria comes out of the house, carrying a tray with a pitcher

of ice water and two glasses. As soon as Jay sees her, he
quickly starts doing a sit up himself.

JAY (CONT’D)
And... thirty. See? Nothing to it.

Gloria sets the tray down on the patio table and smiles at
them.

INT. DRY CLEANERS - DAY

Claire is waiting in line behind a woman (PAM) currently

being waited on by the elderly MRS. JOHNSON. When Pam gets
her order and turns to leave, she looks at Claire.

PAM
Claire? Oh my God, Claire
Pritchett?

Claire blinks for a moment, trying to place her. Finally it

hits her.

CLAIRE
Pam Olsen? No way!

They hug, then pull back to look at each other.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)
You look amazing!
 8.

PAM
(smiling))
And you’re still full of it.

CLAIRE
No, seriously. You look like you
haven’t aged a day since high
school. What’s your secret?

PAM
Well, just between you and me, I’ve
had a little help.

CLAIRE
What, you mean like surgery?

PAM
Shh. Our little secret, huh?

PHIL & CLAIRE INTERVIEW

CLAIRE
I’m really tired of the double
standard our society imposes on
women when it comes to aging. I
mean, when Brad Pitt grows a salt
and pepper beard it’s hip and
trendy. But when my Aunt Barbara
does it...

Phil shudders.

CLAIRE (CONT’D)
Well, yeah. Okay, it’s disturbing.

INT. DRY CLEANERS - CONTINUOUS

PAM
Really Claire, it’s no big deal
these days. Why not take the help
if it’s out there, right?

CLAIRE
I don’t know. It’s seems a bit
extreme to me.

PAM
Nonsense. Here, let me give you my
doctor’s card.

Pam opens her wallet and hands Claire a business card.

 9.

PAM (CONT’D)
He could work wonders with those
crow’s feet. What’s the harm in
checking it out?

Mrs. Johnson waves to Pam.

MRS. JOHNSON
Miss? Miss, you forgot your change.

Pam gives Claire a wink and a smile, gathers her change and
heads out. Claire watches her go for a moment, lost in
thought, then steps up to the counter.

MRS. JOHNSON (CONT’D)

Oh, hi there Mr. Dunphy. I didn’t
recognize you.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - KITCHEN - DAY

Mitchell is putting away some dishes. Cameron comes in with

an arm load of groceries. He proudly starts unpacking the
items.

MITCHELL
What’s all this?

CAMERON
The makings of Cameron two point
oh. Vitamins, herbal cleanser,
organic produce...

MITCHELL
Oh. Another diet?

CAMERON
No, Mitchell, diets are a thing of
the past. This is the start of a
whole new lifestyle for me.

MITCHELL
Um...great?

CAMERON
I know what you’re thinking. But
this time it’s going to be
different. This time, I have put
myself in the capable hands of your
Mr. Universe, and he is going to
make me hard as a rock.

Off Mitchell’s look:

 10.

CAMERON (CONT’D)
Mind out of the gutter please.

EXT. JAY & GLORIA’S BACKYARD - CONTINUOUS

GLORIA
You are both working so hard. I
thought you could use a little
refreshment.

JAY
Thanks. I admit, at first I was a
little out of shape, but now it’s
all coming back to me.

GLORIA
I see that. But I think some of
those muscles have gone to your
head. You’ve forgotten how to
count. Manny, that’s three. Jay,
that’s one.

Gloria pulls a whistle out of her blouse and blows it.

GLORIA (CONT’D)
Now come on. Let me see some sweat.

JAY INTERVIEW

Jay looks over his shoulder to ensure that he is alone, then

leans conspiratorially into the camera.

JAY
Okay. I lied. There is something I
would change about the way Gloria
looks.

END OF ACT ONE

 11.

ACT TWO

CLAIRE - INTERVIEW

CLAIRE
Seeing Pam again got me thinking.
What’s wrong with getting a little
help to feel better about yourself?
I mean, there’s no harm in just
checking it out, right?

INT. DOCTOR’S EXAMINATION ROOM - DAY

Claire sits on the exam table, while a male DOCTOR (40s)

closely inspects her face.

DOCTOR
I must say, Mrs. Dunphy, you have
lovely skin for a woman your age.

CLAIRE
Thank you. So... I really don’t
need anything done?

DOCTOR
I didn’t say that.

CLAIRE
Oh.

The doctor finishes his examination and pulls a roll of

surgical tape out of a drawer.

DOCTOR
What I suggest is something called
a tape lift. I place a small amount
of tape at key points, just under
your hairline where it won’t show.
It’s temporary, but it will give
you an idea of what surgery might
do for you.

CLAIRE
Wow. I can test drive a new face?

DOCTOR
In a way. Surgery is a major
decision. I want my patients to be
absolutely certain that it’s the
right choice for them.

CLAIRE
Or maybe decide they don’t really
need it after all?
 12.

DOCTOR
I didn’t say that.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - KITCHEN - DAY

Cameron is pouring a health shake into a glass from a

blender. He raises it to his lips, grimaces, sets it down. He
takes a deep breath and chokes down a sip, grimacing again.
Mitchell walks in, pulls some leftovers out of the
refrigerator and starts to prepare a plate for himself. He
finally notices Cameron glaring at him.

MITCHELL
What?

CAMERON
Must you do that in front of me?

MITCHELL
This is the kitchen. It’s where we
keep the food. Where else am I
supposed to do it?

Cameron keeps glaring. Finally Mitchell gathers up the food

and heads for the hallway.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
Right. What was I thinking? Lily’s
changing table is a perfect food
prep surface.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Alex sits at the island, her head bent over some homework.
Claire enters and waits for a reaction to her new look.

CLAIRE
Hey honey. What are you working on?

ALEX
(not looking up)
Book report. We’re reading The
Portrait of Dorian Gray.

CLAIRE
Ooh. I love that movie. It scared
the heck out of me when I was a
kid.

ALEX
Yeah, well, this is the book, not
the movie.
 13.

CLAIRE
The way that portrait looked at the
end? Yuck. But he always looked
so... young?

ALEX
Mm hm.

Phil and Haley enter carrying grocery bags. Haley sets hers
down, then turns and faces Claire.

HALEY
Oh. My. God.

CLAIRE
What? Notice anything different?

HALEY
Are those my earrings?

CLAIRE
What? No. I mean, yes, I borrowed
them, but...

HALEY
I can’t believe you did that!

CLAIRE
OK. Fine. I’ll take them off.

HALEY
Gross! I don’t want them back now!

Haley stomps off to her room. Luke enters, carrying an open

dictionary. He slams it down on the counter in front of Alex.

LUKE
Ha! See? I told you. What do you
say now, Miss Brainiac?

ALEX
You’re right. I’m speechless.

PHIL
What’s going on?

LUKE
Alex told me that gullible wasn’t
in the dictionary. But I found it.

PHIL
Oh snap. Atta boy, buddy. I’m proud
of you.
 14.

Phil and Luke exchange low fives and exit.

Alex finally looks at Claire.

ALEX
Admit it. You drank while you were
pregnant with him, didn’t you?

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Manny is making the mother of all sandwiches. Jay walks in

and snatches it away.

JAY
Not on my watch, pal.

MANNY
But I always have a snack when I
get home from school.

JAY
Maybe it means something different
in Spanish, but in English snack
does not mean a week’s worth of
groceries stuffed between two
slices of bread.

MANNY
I’m hungry.

Jay puts Manny’s sandwich in the refrigerator, pulls out a

yogurt.

JAY
There ya go.

Manny looks longingly at his sandwich, then sighs and takes

the yogurt from Jay.

MANNY
Tiara, I hope you appreciate the
depth of my sacrifice for you.

Manny mopes off. Once he’s gone, Jay pulls Manny’s sandwich
back out of the refrigerator, gets a napkin and some
utensils. As he turns back to the sandwich, Gloria enters.

GLORIA
Oh, thank you. You read my mind.
I’m starving.

She kisses Jay on the cheek, takes the sandwich and exits,
leaving Jay with the same longing look that Manny had.
 15.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Claire is angrily putting away dishes, slamming drawers and

cupboards. Phil enters, putting on a jacket.

PHIL
Honey, have you seen my briefcase?

CLAIRE
No. But then again, I’m getting so
old these days that my eyesight is
probably going.

PHIL
Uh-oh. I know this one. I’ve really
screwed up somehow, and we play
twenty questions until I guess it.
And then I guess wrong, and you get
even more mad. But can we do the
speed version? Because I’ve got a
showing in 10 minutes.

CLAIRE
Of course you do. It’s always about
you, isn’t it? It’s not like I have
any feelings. I’m just the old ball
and chain. Emphasis on “old”.

PHIL
Yikes. The mother lode. Okay. Just
let me call the Bartletts and
reschedule, all right? Then it’s
punishpalooza time.

CLAIRE
Wait. No. I’m sorry. It’s not you,
it’s me.

PHIL
(panicked)
Oh my God, Claire, are you
divorcing me?

In the background Alex walks by, and freezes as she hears

this. She creeps to the door frame and eavesdrops.

CLAIRE
What? No. I guess I’m just a little
hurt, that’s all. See, the other
day I tried this thing called a
tape lift, to try and look a little
younger? And nobody even noticed.
 16.

PHIL
What? Honey, why would you do that?
Don’t you know you’re the most
beautiful woman in the world to us?

Phil scoops her into his arms.

CLAIRE
I know. It was silly and vain.

PHIL
I’ll say. Not to mention shallow,
petty, narcissistic --

CLAIRE
Okay, not so much agreement.

PHIL
Right.

From her eavesdropping spot, Alex gets an idea.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - ALEX’S BEDROOM - LATER

Alex and Luke are talking.

ALEX
I’m not supposed to tell you this,
but we had another brother before
you. His name was Dorian.

LUKE
Dorian? What happened to him?

ALEX
Nobody knows for sure. One day Mom
started looking weird. She couldn’t
stop smiling, but there was
something really creepy about that
smile.

LUKE
Like what?

ALEX
Like she hadn’t eaten in a year,
and Dorian was a Paula Deen ham.
One night, he just... disappeared.
I remember Mom made a big dinner
that night, though, with fava beans
and a nice chianti? After that, we
never saw or spoke of Dorian again.

Luke looks doubtful but a little nervous.

 17.

INT. TREVOR’S GYM - DAY

Trevor stands over Cameron, who is struggling to complete a

set of bench presses.

TREVOR
Come on, Cameron. My grandmother
could work harder than that, and
she's been dead for 6 years.

CAMERON
Right now I would gladly trade
places with her.

TREVOR
Five more. And five ... four ...
three ... two ... and, last one.

Cameron collapses and waits for praise on his achievement.

Trevor just picks up a clipboard and writes something down.

CAMERON
You’re not big on the whole
positive encouragement thing, are
you?

TREVOR
When you do something worthy of a
compliment, you'll get one.

CAMERON
Huzzah. There’s that reason to live
I’ve been searching for.

TREVOR
Cameron, this is my business. I
take it very seriously, and I don’t
appreciate it when my clients
don’t.

CAMERON
Who says I’m not taking it
seriously?

TREVOR
The five pounds you’ve gained this
week?

CAMERON
I told you. I retain water like a
sponge.
 18.

TREVOR
Fine. Have it your way. Just don’t
blame me when Mitchell walks out on
you too.

CAMERON
That will never happen.

TREVOR
Yeah, I thought that too. Then one
night we were getting ready to go
out. Mitchell just looked at me and
said “Is that what you’re wearing?”

CAMERON
He likes to help those less fashion
fortunate than himself.

TREVOR
It wasn’t just that. He made up
some bogus errand he had to run.
Said we should take separate cars.
Then he stood me up. And the next
day? Poof. We were over.

Cameron tries to be nonchalant, but looks a little uncertain.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Jay, Manny and Cameron are jogging. They are all visibly
struggling and miserable, and finally collectively stop to
catch their breath. Suddenly Cameron straightens up, sniffing
the air. He looks around wildly and spots the source of the
aroma: a Fatburger. He looks questioningly at Jay and Manny,
and the three share a secretive handshake before jogging into
the restaurant.

INT. FATBURGER - LATER

Cameron, Jay and Manny sit in a booth, feasting. They all

greedily shovel food into their mouths as they talk.

CAMERON
And then he hints that if I don’t
start shaping up, Mitchell might
leave me. Can you believe that?

MANNY
That’s cold.

CAMERON
Like Wisconsin in January. And it’s
not like Mitchell’s any better.
(MORE)
 19.
CAMERON (CONT'D)
I’m going through hell for him, but
does Mr. “I-have-to-turn-around-
twice-to-cast-a-shadow” even
notice?

MANNY
Shameful.

CAMERON
I know, right?

JAY
Yeah, the things we do for love.
I’m already pushing my luck to the
breaking point with Gloria. The
least I can do is not grow a set of
moobs on her.

MANNY
What are moobs?

JAY
Keep scarfing those chili fries.
You’ll find out.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - ALEX’S ROOM - DAY

Alex is lying on her bed reading. Claire enters with a

laundry basket. Alex quickly puts down her book and studies
Claire.

ALEX
Mom? Are you feeling okay?

CLAIRE
Of course, honey. Why?

ALEX
I don’t know. A few days ago you
looked really great, but now...

CLAIRE
What?

ALEX
Well, don’t take this the wrong
way? But you’re looking sort of...
old.

CLAIRE
No, sweetie, actually I’m just
looking my age. What you saw before
was a moment of temporary insanity.
 20.

ALEX
Really? Because I thought you
looked amazing.

CLAIRE
You did? It was that noticeable to
you?

ALEX
Totally. Whatever you did you
should definitely do it again.

CLAIRE
I don’t know. It was just a little
tape lift. I’m not even sure I
could do it by myself.

ALEX
I could help you.

CLAIRE
You could?

ALEX
Sure. We could do it for Grandpa’s
tonight. It’ll be our little
secret.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Mitchell is packing up Lily’s things, getting ready to go to

Jay & Gloria’s. Cameron enters from the bedroom, proudly
wearing a shirt that is several sizes too small.

CAMERON
Ta da! Look what I fit into again.

MITCHELL
Is that what you’re wearing?

Cameron gapes at him. Mitchell doesn’t notice, just goes back

to doing a quick inventory of Lily’s supplies.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
Whoops. Forgot Mr. Binky. Be right
back.

Mitchell heads off to Lily’s bedroom. On the coffee table,

his cell phone beeps. Cameron glances down the hall then
surreptitiously picks it up. There’s a text message from
Trevor:
 21.

TEXT MESSAGE
Need 2 C U luvr. Come 2 gym 2nite.
Alone! - T

Cameron is aghast. Mitchell enters with Mr. Binky, Cameron

quickly puts the phone down.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - FOYER - EVENING

Phil, Haley and Luke are at the front door with their coats
on, ready to leave for Jay & Gloria’s.

PHIL
(calling upstairs)
Honey? Come on. We’re gonna be
late.

Claire comes downstairs, Alex following behind her. Claire

has a severe smiling, surprised look on her face. Luke yelps
when he sees her and cowers behind Phil. Phil and Haley just
gape at her for a moment. Then:

HALEY
Is that my necklace?

END OF ACT TWO

 22.

ACT THREE

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - FOYER - NIGHT

Jay opens the door for the Dunphys. Luke bursts in, grabbing
Jay tightly around the knees.

LUKE
Grandpa! Don’t let her eat me!

Jay looks down at Luke, puzzled.

JAY
Don’t let who eat you? Your --

He looks up and sees Claire.

JAY (CONT’D)
Sweet mother of mercy! What the
hell happened to you?

CLAIRE
I know, it’s a little extreme. But
I really think everyone’s over
reacting. It’s not that bad.

JAY
Yeah? Prove it. Blink for me.

Claire struggles to close her eyes. She can’t.

JAY (CONT’D)
That’s what I thought. Well, at
least Lily won’t feel like the only
Asian in the family now.

Manny and Gloria come into the foyer. Manny is proudly waving
a piece of paper. He sidles up to Haley.

MANNY
Good evening, Haley. After my
triumph at the Fitness Challenge
picnic today, the only thing that
could make the day sweeter is
seeing your lovely face tonight.

Haley glances at the paper Manny holds.

HALEY
That just says participant.

MANNY
I know. Impressive, isn’t it?
 23.

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - MOMENTS

LATER

Mitchell packs up Mr. Binky. Cameron hurriedly picks up Lily

in her car seat and heads for the front door.

CAMERON
Okay. That’s everything. Let’s go.

Mitchell follows them out and closes the door. A moment later
they enter again.

MITCHELL
I knew I forgot something. See?
This what happens when you rush me.

Mitchell looks around the room. Cameron gets panicky.

CAMERON
Really, Mitchell? Can’t you go
without it for just one night?

MITCHELL
No, Charlie said he might call to
discuss those contracts... ah.
There it is.

Mitchell picks up his phone from the coffee table and sees
the text from Trevor.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
Oh. And, um, there he is. Look, I
don’t want to hold you up. Why
don’t you and Lily go on ahead and
I’ll meet you there?

Cameron looks horrified.

INT. TREVOR’S GYM - LATER

Mitchell enters as Trevor is finishing a bench pressing set.

MITCHELL
Hey. You wanted to see me?

TREVOR
Yeah. Just give me a sec.

Trevor finishes his set, pulls his shirt off and wipes his
face with it. He notices Mitchell looking and grins.

TREVOR (CONT’D)
See anything you like?
 24.

MITCHELL
Yes. No. What is this about? Is it
about Cameron? Because I know he
can be a bit difficult at times,
but ---

TREVOR
Mitchell, what are you doing with
him?

MITCHELL
Excuse me?

TREVOR
I know you've always had self-
esteem issues. But seriously...
that loser? You really think you
can’t do any better than him?

MITCHELL
Cameron is not a loser.

TREVOR
Fine. Have it your way. But isn't
this a little more appealing?

Trevor moves in close to Mitchell and flexes impressively.

Mitchell tries not to look.

TREVOR (CONT’D)
Admit it. You sent Cameron here
because you’re dying to ride the
Trevor train again. Well, I’ve got
good news. I'm inclined to let you.

Trevor moves in for a kiss.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - FOYER - LATER

The door bell rings. While the rest of the family is settled
in the living room, Jay moves to answer the door. Luke is
still clinging fiercely to his leg. He opens the door to
reveal Cameron and Lily. Cameron is still wearing the ill-
fitting shirt. His lip is trembling.

JAY
And of course, no family gathering
would be complete without an
appearance by Baby Huey.

CAMERON
Oh, Jay. How I’m going to miss that
sardonic wit.
 25.

Cameron enters and faces the family. He is very distraught.

CAMERON (CONT’D)
Hello everyone. I just came to drop
off Lily. I don’t want to make a
scene. I’m no good at goodbyes.

JAY
What the hell are you talking
about? You just got here.

CAMERON
Please Jay. I need to get through
this. I’ve been rehearsing the
whole way over here.

Cameron takes a deep, quavering breath.

CAMERON (CONT’D (CONT’D)

I just wanted to tell you all how
much I’ve loved being a part of
your family. I will carry the
memory of each and every one of you
in my heart until the day I die.
But alas, the time has come for us
to bid adieu.

The family gathers around him, expressing concern and

confusion. Cameron waves them off, heads for the door, then
dramatically whirls back to face them, losing the last of his
composure.

CAMERON (CONT’D)
(wailing)
Mitchell’s leaving me for another
man!

The family gathers around Cameron to comfort him.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER

Jay, Claire and Phil talk quietly.

CLAIRE
God, can you believe this?

JAY
Actually I can. I gave up being
surprised by you kids the day you
hit puberty.

CLAIRE
I just feel so awful for Cameron.
 26.

Jay scrutinizes her.

JAY
Yeah. I get that. It’s written all
over your face.

PHIL
I for one am deeply disappointed in
Mitchell. I mean, we all have to
deal with temptations from time to
time. The key is to not give in to
them.

CLAIRE
Really? And just what temptations
are you not giving in to?

PHIL
Are you mad? Cause you sound mad,
but your face says happy.

CLAIRE
What do you think?

PHIL
I’m gonna go with... mad?

CLAIRE
Good answer.

The doorbell rings. Jay starts to move, but is impeded

somehow.

JAY
(to Claire)
You mind?

CLAIRE
No. I’ve got it.

As she heads out to answer the door, Luke is revealed to be

still clutching Jay’s leg.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Claire walks to the front door, passing Gloria who is

comforting Cameron on the sofa. She opens the door and
Mitchell enters. Upon seeing him, Cameron leaps to his feet.

CAMERON
(hysterical)
No! I can’t do this now! I’m just
not ready!
 27.

He runs off to a bedroom, with Gloria following. Before she

exits, Gloria throws Mitchell an angry look.

GLORIA
Mitchell, how could you? You he-
whore.

She hurries after Cameron.

MITCHELL
What? What does Hee Haw have to do
with anything?

He looks at Claire, notices her face.

CLAIRE
Don’t give me that look. I agree
with her.

MITCHELL
I’m giving you a look? Wow. And
here I was thinking this night
couldn’t get any weirder.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - LATER

Mitchell pours himself and Claire a glass of wine. Claire is

sitting in profile.

MITCHELL
I can’t believe he thinks I would
leave him for Trevor.

CLAIRE
I know. But you can pretty
insensitive sometimes, Mitchell.

MITCHELL
What are you talking about?

CLAIRE
Uh, hello? Notice anything
different about my face?

MITCHELL
That’s not insensitivity. That’s
tactfully avoiding the subject.

CLAIRE
Why does everybody think it’s so
awful?
 28.

MITCHELL
You’ve really never seen Tim
Burton’s Batman?

CLAIRE
Come on. It’s not that bad.

MITCHELL
It’s close. And that redness
certainly isn’t helping. Is it
supposed to do that?

CLAIRE
What redness?

Mitchell walks her over to a mirror, where her full face is

visible. One half of it is covered in a blotchy, angry rash.
Claire screams.

Luke runs through the kitchen in a panic.

LUKE
(yelling)
Grandpa!

Mitchell looks questioningly at Claire. She shrugs.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

Mitchell knocks softly and peeks around the door.

MITCHELL
Hey. Gloria, would you mind leaving
us alone for a minute?

GLORIA
Si. But just so you know, Mitchell,
I have several Colombian hit men on
my speed dial, eh?

MITCHELL
Of course you do.

Gloria exits. Mitchell sits on the bed next to Cameron, who

refuses to look at him.

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
Cam, honey, I am so sorry I lied to
you. But I swear it’s not what you
think.

CAMERON
Really? Is that what you told
Trevor too?
 29.

MITCHELL
No. You are not Trevor. And I thank
God every day for that.

CAMERON
You do?

MITCHELL
Of course I do. Because I was never
in love with Trevor. The only good
thing that came out of that
relationship is that I learned what
I really wanted in a partner.
Things that Trevor would never be.
Things that I instantly recognized
in you when we met a few months
later.

CAMERON
You mean that?

MITCHELL
With all my heart. You want the
truth? Fine. Yes, Trevor asked me
to meet him tonight ... because ...
he wanted to tell me that he’s
developed deep feelings for you.

CAMERON
Oh my God. How did I miss that?
That explains so much.

MITCHELL
It does?

CAMERON
Of course. Oh, it all makes sense
now. He was totally hitting on me.

MITCHELL
Um...right. And he wanted me to ask
you to find another trainer,
because he just didn’t think he
could trust himself to be around
you again.

CAMERON
Naturally. Oh, the poor dear. You
know, I never meant to hurt him.

MITCHELL
I know.
 30.

CAMERON
And you? Do you forgive me for
being the snoopy, distrusting fish
wife?

MITCHELL
What can I say? I love you for who
you are, warts and all.

They hug. While still embraced:

MITCHELL (CONT’D)
So Trevor was hitting on you?

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - FOYER - LATER

The entire family is gathered by the front door. Gloria is

holding Lily. Claire has a towel over her head.

MITCHELL
(to Gloria)
Thanks for watching Lily for us. We
have a certain errand to run on the
way home. Something we’ve put off
for too long.

JAY
That’s probably too much
information.

MITCHELL
Right.

GLORIA
It’s our pleasure. I am just so
happy you two worked things out.

She kisses both Mitchell and Cameron on their cheeks, then

elbows Jay.

GLORIA (CONT’D)
Jay? Aren’t you happy they worked
things out?

JAY
Aw geez. Yeah. All right.

He gives Cameron an awkward hug.

CAMERON
Ooh, Jay. Those pecs are really
shaping up nicely. No moobs at all.

Jay abruptly breaks the embrace.

 31.

JAY
And moment’s over.

Jay turns to Claire, peeks under the towel.

JAY (CONT’D)
You okay in there, Elephant Girl?

Claire nods.

PHIL
She’ll be fine. We just need to
swing by the store and pick up some
Bendryl on the way home.

Claire peels back the towel.

CLAIRE
Oh, while you’re in there, could
you pick up another bottle of that
nice Chianti we had? I’ve had a
craving for it lately.

Luke jumps back onto Jay’s leg, whimpering.

EXT. TATTOO & PIERCING PARLOR - NIGHT

Mitchell and Cameron are standing outside.

JAY (V.O.)
I guess when it comes right down to
it, our self image largely comes
from the reflection of ourselves we
get from our loved ones. Gloria
gets this expression sometimes,
when she thinks I’m not looking.
She lowers her head, cocks it to
one side, and gets this lopsided
smile.

As Jay describes the look, Mitchell gives it to Cameron. They

link arms and enter the tattoo shop.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - MASTER BATHROOM - NIGHT

Phil gently finishes removing the tape from a very red,

blotchy faced Claire. She is giving the Phil the look that
Jay described.

JAY (V.O.)
When you see that look, you know
that what she’s looking at fills
her with pride, and joy, and love.
 32.

Phil takes Claire’s face in his hands, and slowly leans in to

give her a kiss on the forehead.

INT. DUNPHY HOUSE - HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS

Luke is walking past the master bedroom. At the end of the

hallway Alex can be seen in her room, lying on her bed,
reading. When Claire’s scream is heard, Luke panics and bolts
for his bedroom. Alex looks up at the camera and grins.

INT. JAY & GLORIA’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Jay and Manny have the makings of a heart attack feast spread
out on the counter. Unseen by them, Gloria enters in the
background. Jay and Manny look at the food, then exchange a
guilty look and put it back in the refrigerator. They pull
out the makings of a salad instead and set to work making it.

JAY (V.O.)
So the one thing I would change
about my wife’s appearance? I’d
like to see that look a lot more
often.

In the background Gloria watches Manny and Jay and gets “the
look”.

JAY (V.O.) (CONT’D)

Like all day. Every day.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT THREE

 33.

TAG

INT. MITCHELL & CAMERON’S DUPLEX - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Mitchell and Cameron sit on the sofa, watching television.

Lily is on Mitchell’s lap. Trevor’s commercial comes on.
Mitchell and Cameron exchange a grimace. Cameron reaches for
the remote on the coffee table, and as he does so a loud
ripping sound is heard. He straightens up immediately.

CAMERON
Not. One. Word.

He aims the remote and clicks to change the channel.

END OF SHOW