SEX SPELLED OUT

for Parents
VIEWERS GUIDE
FOREWORD
These days more than ever, parents
need to be able to answer questions
and to give children information
about sexuality, especially since the
messages of movies, TV, and the
advertising industry can be
inaccurate and incomplete. Besides,
their values are probably not going
to reflect the values of your family.
Today, too, theres more at stake
with our childrens health. There are
more sexually transmitted diseases,
and some of them can be fatal. You
can help your child stay safe. The
information and advice provided in
the Sex Spelled Out programs and
viewers guide is designed for
parents. It can help you to:
ESTABLISH YOURSELF AS A SOURCE OF

INFORMATION FOR YOUR KIDS

HELP YOUR CHILDREN FEEL SAFE ABOUT
TELLING YOU IF THEYRE BEING ABUSED

BEGIN WORKING WITH YOUR CHILDREN

EARLY TO KEEP THEM HEALTHY AND
RESPONSIBLE

OVERCOMING YOUR FEARS

If the thought of speaking to your kids about sex
is a little scary, youre not alone. Its all right to let
them know youre uncomfortable. Remember that
not talking tells them something as well: your kids
may think your silence means they shouldnt ask
about sex. You dont need to be an expert. Its fine
to say, I dont know, but lets find out together.

Above all, what you want to do is

establish yourself as a resource, making
it clear to your kids from an early age
that you are open to them asking you
any questions they may have about sex.

WHO IS MEG HICKLING?

Meg Hickling, C.M., O.B.C., LL.D.
(Hon.), is a former registered nurse
who has been teaching sexual health
for over 30 years. She has taught
thousands of children, parents and
professionals across North America
and in Japan. Meg has won many
awards for her work, including a
Health Award from the Canadian
Home and School Federation and
the Order of Canada.
Her books include Speaking of Sex:
What Your Children Need to Know
and When They Need to Know It
(Northstone), More Speaking of Sex
(Northstone) and Boys, Girls and
Body Science (Harbour).

ABOUT THE SEX SPELLED OUT

FOR PARENTS PROGRAMS
WHATS IN THE PACKAGE?

The series contains 4 programs. The

first program is an overview of the 3
that follow, that look at preschool,
primary and intermediate stages of
childhood development.

VIEWERS GUIDE

The 4 sections of the guide follow

the 4 programs. It contains much of
the same information as the
programs, expanding it in places,
and organizing it for quick
reference.

WHO SHOULD WATCH THE PROGRAMS?

The programs are designed for
parents, grandparents, and health
and education professionals.
Remember that these programs
havent been designed for kids
themselves, but for parents and
other adults who want to talk to
kids about sex.

TABLE OF CONTENTS:
PROGRAM 1- OVERVIEW.................................

PROGRAM

2 - PRESCHOOLERS ........................ 6

PROGRAM

3 - PRIMARIES................................ 10

PROGRAM

4 - INTERMEDIATES........................ 12

SOME QUESTIONS YOU COULD GET FROM YOUR

KIDS ........................................................ 16
A

LIST OF ADDITIONAL RESOURCES ..................

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PROGRAM 1 AN OVERVIEW: THE

STAGES OF SEXUAL DEVELOPMENT
Here, Meg outlines the physical and emotional
stages children pass through as they become
adults. Understanding these stages can help you
recognize and respond to your kids needs. Keep
in mind that the ages Meg uses to define each
stage are averages only every child is different.

PRESCHOOLERS (EARLY CHILDHOOD)

AGES 3-5 APPROXIMATELY
Are extremely imaginative. If they arent told the

facts, or if theyre given only part of the picture, theyll

use their imaginations to fill in the blanks. You probably
already know how confusing and funny this can be!

Are fascinated by the where and how of

babies. If you want to be the first to tell your kids the

facts, make sure you get to them early. (Many kids hear
about the stork early, in movies and cartoons, so its
never too soon to start).

Soak up information like little sponges. Not only

do preschoolers want lots of information, theyll also
accept what you tell them at face value.

Will adopt a scientific perspective, if

encouraged.

Whatever the subject, kids at this stage take in

information in a matter-of-fact way. This is a good time
to set a straightforward tone in talking to them about
sex. The cute words adults sometimes use to make
themselves feel more comfortable talking about sex are
not only unnecessary with kids, theyre not helpful.

PRIMARIESAGES 5-8 APPROXIMATELY

Love bathroom humour. They find questions and
jokes about pee and poo and bare bums really funny.
Rest assured this is a normal and usually passing!
phase.

Have a mechanical kind of curiosity. The interest

that primaries show in how a car or a piano works they
also apply to how babies are made. Theyre enthusiastic
learners, so take advantage of their curiosity.

INTERMEDIATES AGES 8-14 APPROXIMATELY

Sometimes say, Gross me out! Im never
having sex. This too is natural, and lets you say,

Thats fine;
you never have to if you dont want to. Sex is for adults,
not kids.

Have the greatest need for information. Kids at

this stage are starting to experience puberty changes,

they care more about peer pressure and fitting in, and
theyre more aware of and uneasy about advertising and
pornography.

PROGRAM 2 PRESCHOOLERS (EARLY

CHILDHOOD): THE IMAGINATIVE
CREATORS (AGES 3-5 APPROXIMATELY)
If you start talking with your kids
about sex at this age, you give them
permission to ask you questions forever
after.

Preschool children have very creative

imaginations. Theyre thirsty for information
that will help them make sense of their worlds.
Theyre also happy to invent stories to account
for anything that hasnt been fully explained to
them. With a little encouragement, preschoolers will readily adopt a scientific
approach to the subject of sex, just as they do
when they learn about dinosaurs or farm
animals.

Remember that in teaching your own kids about

sex, you may be teaching their friends too. But
dont be upset when another parent tells you that
your son proudly described how babies are really
made to his playground buddies, or that your
daughter gave her friends an anatomy lesson at
daycare. Accurate information is always good, and
much better than what kids can cook up

themselves if they dont have the facts. Its

safer too. Dont forget that children with
disabilities generally proceed through the
same stages of development that all kids do.
They need the same information because they
are experiencing the same curiosity and
changes. They also need more support, and
more time to ask questions and have adults
listen to their concerns.

HOW TO GET STARTED

The best time to teach children about anything
is when theyre curious about it. But dont wait
for your children to start conversations about
sex some kids are naturally more curious
about bodies and babies than others. If your
preschooler doesnt seem interested, you can
still raise the subject yourself at opportune
moments. Take advantage of bedtime: youll
have your childs undivided attention, and he
or she will probably be happy to delay lights
out. Choose books for story time that can help
you. (See If You Want to Learn More at the
end of this Guide.) Take advantage of
teachable moments when you see a
pregnant woman, for instance, or when your
kids ask about the tampons in the grocery cart.

Meg thinks that these are the hardest words youll

ever have to say. The good news is that the usual
preschoolers response is, Oh Can I go out and
play now? The other good news is that by using
such scientific language, you will show that you
and your child can talk about sex in the same
matter-of-fact way that a scientist uses to find out
something new
STICK TO THE FACTS

By about age four, children can take explanations

at face value, connecting new information to the
picture they hold about things they already
understand. For instance, being told that a baby
grows from an egg in Mommys tummy may mean
to kids that Mom buys a dozen eggs at the grocery
store, then swallows one whole so that it can hatch
into a baby inside her stomach.
TEACHING BY EXAMPLE

Parents are important role models for children as

they develop. The physical contact that kids see
between the key adults in their lives helps them
form their ideas about sex and intimacy. Parents
who are open and positive about sex can help their
children feel the same. By age two, most children
have a clear sense of being a boy or being a girl.
They are curious about their body parts, and may
soon discover that their genitals are a source of
pleasure. Genital play usually begins in private, but
may progress to games with other kids like
doctor, or you show me yours and Ill show you
mine.

Children may be confused if parents encourage

them to be aware of their bodies generally, but
seem to disapprove of being undressed or
playing doctor. Take the time to be clear
about what you do and dont want your kids to
do. Calm matter-of-factness is the best way to
respond to a childs sexual questions or
explorations. This is a great time to begin
teaching children about limits. Teach them that
their bodies belong to them; nobody has the
right to look or touch without their permission.

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PROGRAM 3 PRIMARIES: THE BATHROOM

HUMOURISTS (AGES 5-8 APPROXIMATELY)
Primaries are fascinated by bare bums,
underwear, body functions, and bathroom
jokes, especially about genitals and sex.
Even if they dont really get the
punchlines, they laugh anyway. Most
children grow out of this phase as they
learn accurate information about sex.

Meg says that primary children are

interested in the details of how things
work, and how information connects
together.
DON'T MIX UP DIGESTION AND REPRODUCTION

Because they think like little engineers, kids can

confuse the digestive and reproductive systems
not surprising when they hear that babies grow in
tummies. Adults need to explain clearly, using
proper names to describe how things work. It
helps to tell them that babies grow in the uterus
and are born through the vagina, and that urine
comes out of a different opening called the
urethra. Explain that in men, urine and sperm both
come out of a mans penis through his urethra,
but have different puroses. Remember, too, that
what primaries do comes from healthy curiosity.
Same-sex play, for instance, does not lead to adult
homosexuality.

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Protecting your kids from abuse: Abusers seek out

kids who look vulnerable. Children who can

use the correct terms for body parts and how they work show
that they have words to describe things which happen to
them, and can get help. If your kids find it easy to talk to you,
theyre less likely to be bothered by dangerous people.

Children with disabilities need special

attention:

Children with disabilities are usually more used to physical

help from family and caregivers, and to having others see
them undressed. As a result, they may not have the same
boundaries as other children. They may be less able to push
away unwanted touching. There is evidence that they are
more likely to be abused.

A key to protecting all children is reminding them about

their right to say no and to tell on someone who is
touching them in a way that they dont like. Tell them
too, that you welcome any questions or thought they
have about sex.

You know, Dan, when the baby comes out of

the egg, what happens to the shells ?

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PROGRAM 4 INTERMEDIATES: THE

GROSS-ME-OUTERS (AGES 8-14
APPROXIMATELY)
Intermediates are a special challenge: they may become
less talkative with adults, so that conversations about
intimacy can be difficult. But as they grow modest and
private about sex, they need reliable information more
than ever because this is when they are developing
skills and collecting information that will help them
make decisions. Continue to be available (but dont
lecture);keep the doors of communication open.

FIGURING OUT WHATS PRIVATE

AND WHATS NOT
Intermediates are learning about their comfort
zones, and dont like to expose their bodies
around anyone else. Comfort zones need to be
respected, especially as kids test and change their
boundaries. Parents can help by realizing that this
is a phase their kids are going through.

THE BEGINNING OF PUBERTY

Kids between 8 and 14 go through the many
physical and emotional changes associated with
puberty. If your daughter starts to menstruate
before shes 10, however, check with your doctor
to see whether thats normal.

OVERCOMING HIGH ANXIETY DEALING WITH

BODY CHANGES

Some intermediates become really anxious about

the changes that are happening to their bodies. A
little information can go a long way towards
reassuring them. Make sure they know that:

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BREASTS

.May develop unevenly, with one slightly larger

than the other. Its also normal for a girls breasts
to grow at a different rate than her friends.
.May be sensitive or sore, or may develop a hard
lump behind the nipple; these things are all
normal and will eventually go away.
.May appear in some boys during puberty. This
doesnt mean they have cancer or are turning into
girls. As their rib cages expand, their breasts will
disappear.
.If physical concerns continue in boys or girls or
something seems odd to you, check with your doctor.

PUBIC HAIR
.Comes in all different colours, often the same
colour as hair on the head.
.Does not necessarily grow in a neat triangle.

TESTICLES

.Grow at a faster rate than penises. They generally

become fully developed within about 3 years.
.Are not necessarily symmetrical. One is likely to
be larger and/or hang lower than the other.
.Should be examined for lumps on a regular basis;
boys should be taught to do this so that they know
what healthy testicles feel like.

PENISES

.May take longer than to develop than testicles

up to ten years. As a result, a boys penis may
appear to be shrinking (in comparison with his
testicles).
.May look different, depending on whether or not
they are circumcised.
Are different sizes when erect, within a range of
about 4 to 7 inches. And no, size doesnt affect
function!

GOOD HYGIENE

.Body odors increase at puberty.

.We all need to wash regularly. Perspiration is
natural and clean when it comes out of the body. It
develops an odor only when it is left to mix with
bacteria.
Involves washing ones genitals.

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WEIGHT GAIN

.Is natural for intermediates. Some children plump

up before a growth spurt; a gain of 20 to 25
pounds between the ages of 7 and 14 is not
unusual or necessarily unhealthy. (You might want
to let critical relatives know this, too!)
. Is necessary to stay healthy. Magazines often
show models whose body types arent normal for
most women or men.

SEX APPEAL OR ATTRACTIVENESS

.Means something different to each of us.

.Is often strongly influenced by things that have
nothing to do with the size or shape of the body
things like a sense of humour, an intelligent mind,
a creative and generous personality.
.Because sex appeal is different for all of us, sex
is not just for beautiful people, but for everyone.

SEX AND VALUES

Most of what kids hear about sex is
disconnected from any discussion of values.
But values are important to the decisions we
make about sex, and children need guidance
with them. You might talk about sex along
with things like honesty, individuality, respect,
and morality.
KEEP ON TALKING!
As your children get older, you might hesitate to
discuss sex, thinking theyll get embarrassed and
clam up. But this is the stage when they can grasp
more complicated issues, and also when they need
accurate information the most. Intermediates hear
more conflicting information about sex than ever
before, and they need to learn from someone who
cares about them and can help them make sense
of it all. What if your child is shy? Try talking when
youre in the car together. Take advantage of your
captive audience to raise difficult issues. Youll be
facing the road ahead and not each other; that,
too, will make it easier.

In a grade 5 class:
Meg: Boys get wet dreams, what do
girls get?
Kids: Dry dreams.

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HOW TO TALK TO CHILDREN ABOUT SEX

Keep your explanations short and simple.
Children like to ask questions. They respond
better to conversations than to lectures.
1.

You cant tell children too much. Theyll

absorb what they can and tune out what they
cant.
2.

Review and repeat at each stage. Teaching

sexual health is like teaching manners
reinforcement is necessary!
3.

Include your values and emotions in your

discussion, and help your kids practice making
decisions.
4.

Assure your children that its OK to say no

to adults who want to touch them.
5.

Give boys and girls the same information.

They should learn about each others bodies, and
need to know about the changes puberty brings to
both sexes.
6.

Discuss the things kids see on TV, like

homosexuality and prostitution, so that they get
facts that can counteract TVs bias and glamour.
7.

Talk about AIDS and STDs factually so that

your children know about them before they
become sexually active.
8.

Encourage questions. Use

teachable moments.
9.

10. Be sure to add in what your culture means to

the way you think about sex.

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THOSE CHALLENGING QUESTIONS

YOURS AND THEIRS AND SOME
ANSWERS
When your kids approach you with questions
about sex, dont worry! Instead, congratulate
yourself that they feel comfortable enough to ask
you in the first place. Then, take a deep breath,
and respond calmly, openly, and without judging
them. Give them factual answers and watch to see
if more information is needed. Above all, make it
clear that you welcome and appreciate their
questions.

IS IT APPROPRIATE FOR YOUNG

CHILDREN OF OPPOSITE SEXES TO BATHE
TOGETHER, OR WITH THEIR OPPOSITE
SEX PARENT?

As long as theyre comfortable, its fine. But

whenever one of them wants to stop, then its time
to stop. A basic guideline is: Whoever says no
rules. Given our societys concerns about sexual
abuse, it may not be a good idea for step-parents
or a single parents boyfriend or girlfriend to bathe
with children.

HOW DO I RESPOND TO A CHILD WHO IS

MASTURBATING?

Say to the child that you know that what he or she

is doing feels good, but that this is a private thing
to be done alone in his or her bedroom.

HOW DO I PROTECT MY CHILD FROM

SEXUAL ABUSE?

Play the What if ? game, helping your child

identify responses to unwanted approaches.
Remind your children that they can and should tell
you about anything that has made them
uncomfortable.

WHO SHOULD TALK ABOUT

MENSTRUATION?

Both Mom and Dad need to be comfortable

explaining about boys and girls bodies.
Boys as well as girls need this
information.

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WHAT ABOUT NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS?

Explain that wet dreams are not necessarily sexy

dreams, but happen as boys move toward physical
maturity.
Girls as well as boys need this
information.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN 'GAY'?

Gays are people who prefer to have sexual

relationships with people of their own sex.

Scientists and doctors dont yet know why

people are born with a homosexual orientation
just as we dont know why some people are
born left-handed. You might also say that
gays, like any other adults, may choose not to
have sex.

Discourage your kids from name-calling

and teasing adults or children who appear
different, for whatever reason. Encourage
tolerance for differences.

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ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
The resources listed below can help parents and
their children learn what can be expected in growth
and sexual development. Most of the books should
be available at your public library.

For Parents
Cappello, Dominic, and Schwartz, Pepper, Ph.D.
Ten Talks Parents Must Have with the Children
About Sex and Character. Hyperion, 2000.
Intended for parents of children in grades 4 through
12. Developed to help parents and children talk
about sexuality and building character. Topics
include safety, character, peer pressure, ethics, the
Internet, and the media.
Gordon, Sol, Ph.D., and Gordon, Judith, M.S.W.
Raising A Child Responsibly in a Sexually
Permissive World. Second Edition. Adams Media
Corporation, 1999.
This book provides practical information for
parents to discuss sexuality issues with their
children.
Hickling, Meg, C.M., O.B.C., LL.D. (Hon.). More
Speaking of Sex: What Your Children Need to
Know and When They Need to Know It.
Northstone Publishing Inc., 1999.
This book provides practical, age-appropriate
suggestions for parents and caregivers to discuss
sexuality issues with their children.

For Children
Brown, Laurie & Marc. Whats the Big Secret?:
Talking about Sex with Boys and Girls. Little,
Brown & Co, 2000.
This colourful, illustrated book for children
presents information and answers about sexuality.
A great book for ages 3 to 10 years.

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Harris, Robie. Its So Amazing: A Book About

Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families.
Candlewick Press, 2002.
Intended for children 7 to 12 years of age, this
book provides accurate information about
sexuality.
Hickling, Meg, C.M., O.B.C., LL.D. (Hon.). Boys,
Girls, and Body Science. Harbour Publishing,
2002.
With full colour illustrations designed for young
readers, this is a good first book about the facts of
life.
Mayle, Peter. Where Did I Come From? Lyle
Stuart, 2000.
This book uses humour and bright illustrations to
explain many questions about sexuality to children
ages 4 to 8 years.

For Adolescents
Bourgeois, Paulette and Martin Wolfish, M.D.
Changes in You & Me: A Book About Puberty
Mostly for Girls. Key Porter, 2002. Also Changes
in You & Me: A Book About Puberty Mostly for
Boys. Yankee Publishing, 2002.
Colourful, factual account of puberty filled with
diagrams and transparent overlays. For ages 9 and
up.
Drill, Esther, McDonald, Heather and Odes,
Rebecca. Deal With It! A Whole New Approach
to your Body, Brain, and Life as a gURL. Pocket
Books, 1999.
This book is intended to help teenage girls learn
and laugh as they go through adolescence.
Harris, Robie. Its Perfectly Normal: Changing
Bodies, Growing Up, Sex and Sexual Health.
Candlewick, 1996.
A comprehensive book on puberty and sexual
health for young people. This book has marvellous
illustrations and is suitable for ages 10 and up.

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Jukes, Mavis. Growing Up: It's a Girl Thing.

Young Adult Series, 1998.
For girls who havent reached puberty, who are
beginning to go through puberty or girls who want
the basic facts about growing up clarified. Age
appropriate, helpful, funny, and informative.
Suitable for ages 9 to 12.
Jukes, Mavis. The Guy Book: An Owner's
Manual: Maintenance, Safety, and Operating
Instructions for Boys. Crown Books for Young
Readers, 2002.
This book delivers all the facts guys ages 13 and up
need to know to be healthy, stay in control, and get
ready for the future. Provides information for boys
about puberty and offers advice on sexual topics,
nutrition, drugs, girls, and more.

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WEB SITES
Parents may also wish to review the Web sites
listed below for adolescents. Some of the Web sites
may include explicit information.

For Parents
National Parent Information Centre
Research-based information on parenting and
family involvement in education
http://www.npin.org
Options for Sexual Health
Provides great resources on educating your
children (and yourselves) about reproductive health
and sexuality
http://www.optionsforsexualhealth.org
Talking with Kids about Tough Issues
A national initiative to encourage parents to talk
with their children earlier and more often about
issues like sex, HIV/AIDS, violence, alcohol, and
drug use.
www.talkingwithkids.org

For Adolescents
Condomania
Information and education about safer sex
http://www.condomania.com
gURL
Information on issues that affect the lives of girls
13 years of age and older
http://www.gurl.com
Iwannaknow
A safe and fun place for teenagers to learn about
sexual health and for parents to receive guidance
http://www.iwannaknow.org
SEX, ETC.

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information, advice, and resources by teens for

teens (and parents, too)
http://www.sxetc.org
Sexuality and U
For parents and teenagers a Canadian website
devoted to sexuality education and information that
provides credible and reliable information on
topics that are most important to you.
http://www.sexualityandu.ca
SIECUS
Starting place for teens to learn about sexuality
issues
http://www.siecus.org
Teenwire
Sexuality and sexual health information for teens
http://www.teenwire.com

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CONTRIBUTORS
Sex Spelled Out for Parents Programs
Meg Hickling, R.N., Sexual Health Educator
Elaine Gans, Carson Street Productions Ltd.,
Producer
Learners Guide
Shari Graydon, Writer
Dawn Rae Downton, Ph.D., Editor
Elaine Gans, Editor
Faye Bebb, R.N., B.S.N., Researcher
Advisory Committee
Margaret Arcus, Ph.D.
Joyce Branscombe, Ph.D.
Jane Carnahan-Schultz, R.N.
Marion Cook
Dawn Rae Downton, Ph.D.
Anne Fuller, R.N., M.S.N.
Ann Little, R.N., B.Sc.N.
Carol Matusicky, Ph.D.
Dorothy Shaw, M.B. Ch.B. F.R.C.S.C.
Cathy Stewart, R.N.,B.N.
Brenda Tamke, R.N.,M.B.A.,M.S.
Project Sponsors
BC Council for Families
BC Ministry for Children and Families
Health Canadas Community Action Program for
Children
Options for Sexual Health

Carson Street Productions Ltd. 2005

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