All Glories to

Shri Shri Gaura Gadadhara

Radha Govindadevaji.

Arunoday

by
Bhrigunatha Mishra

This book is dedicated to

My Shri-Guruji Astottara-shata Shri-Shrimad
Shri Haridasa Shastriji Maharajaji.

Bhrigunatha Mishra

Table of Contents
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INVOCATION
5
THE NEED TO DESCRIBE ONES OWN STORY
6
THE METHODOLOGY OF WRITING THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY
7
THE NEED TO SEE THE DEFECTS
7
A HUMBLE REQUEST
8
CHILDHOOD AND RENOUNCING HOME
9
THE STORY OF BAHULA COW
9
This parable had a deep influence on my mind
11
THE STORY OF ARUNI
14
THE STORY OF UPAMANYU
15
THE STORY OF UTTANKA
16
On hearing these stories again and again I developed the desire
17
ISKCON, VRINDAVAN
20
CONTACT WITH GURUJI AND HEARING THE SCRIPTURES
26
I mentioned this incident to Satyanarayana Dasji
39
FIRST STAY IN SRI-HARIDAS NIWAS
AND SUBSEQUENT DEPARTURE
41
RETURNING AND LEAVING AGAIN
43
CHANGE OF RESIDENCE AGAIN & AGAIN
62
RETURNING TO JIVA INSTITUTE
65
The situation that arose upon not finding a solution to my internal problem 69
Efforts made to solve the internal problem and the result
70
Sri Pundarik Vidyanidhi and Pandit Gadadharji
71
A nice solution to my internal problem by the causeless mercy of Maharajji76
Pariccheda Twenty of Sri Chaitanya Charitamrta
83
madhur vrnda vipin madhuri pravesh chaturi sar
89
RETURN TO THE ASHRAM
94
DEPICTION OF CHARACTERS
98
SATYANARAYANA DAS
140
SATYANARAYANA DAS, AN INCARNATION OF SHANKHASUR 143
A Perfectionist is Mostly Unhappy and Makes Others Unhappy
143
PARASITIC PLANTS
146
THE INTENTIONS OF JIVA INSTITUTE ARE ILL
147
SRI GURUDEVJI
149
EPILOGUE
151
Self Revelation E-Mail Series
Shrinivass resignation
Jiva all together

154
183
185

|| ALL GLORIES TO SRI SRI GAURA AND GADADHARA ||

Invocation
ajnan timirandhasya jnananjanashalakaya
chaksurunmilitan yena tasmai shrigurave namah
Obeisances to the guru by whom the eyes of the one who was steeped in blind darkness of
ignorance were opened with the anointment of transcendental knowledge.

anarpitacharin chirat karunayavatirnah kalau

samarpayitumunnatojjvalarasam svabhaktishriyam
harih puratasundaradyutikadamvasandipitah
sada hridayakandare sphuratu vah shachinandanah
(Shri Vidagdha Madhava Natakam- 1-2)
May Lord Hari, the son of Saci, enter into our heart and drive away all defects just like a
lion enters a cave and drives away all elephants from within the cave. The son of Saci, whose
effulgence is more than that of gold, has appeared in the age of kali out of His mercy to
distribute the wealth of devotion to Himself that is enriched with the bright rasa of sweetness,
which was never in the past distributed by any incarnation of God in any of the ages.

This book was written in only a few days time thats why its language is far from
perfect. My request to the readers is to ignore these defects and to concentrate on the
subject matter.

Respected elders, godbrothers, godsisters and others,

Many of you know me (Bhrigunath Mishra) but I am unknown to many others. I am
clarifying here that I am one of the many disciples of Om Vishnupada Paramahamsa
Astottarashat Sri Sri Haridasa Sastriji Maharajji. However, there is a specific difference
between you all and me. I am one of those few so-called disciples due to whom the condition
of the other followers of Maharajji has become pitiable.
While it is known that proper service of the cows is difficult to be performed, still most of
Maharajjis disciples are confused and are quarreling amongst themselves, and are
committing offense by distancing themselves from Maharajji. I too, because of my mistakes,
had distanced myself from Maharajji.
Finally, after having misconceptions, creating disturbance and after a period of uncertainty, I
had the good fortune of receiving the grace of Sri Guru and Sri Krishna and could return to
the feet of Maharajji. Here I would like to share my experience with you so that you may
save yourselves from committing offense at his feet or his disciples in the future. If this
revelation could help even one individual to protect himself from such a grave offense and
help him understand Maharajji better and bridge the gap that has been created by culprits like
me, then I hope this will help me unburden my offense to some extent. The day you all
forgive me from within your heart will be the day when I would really be relieved of my
offense. My only hope is that vaisnavas are very merciful, and your blessings and valuable
guidance could help me progress in spiritual life and achieve the rare raganuga service of Sri
Sri Radha Krishna under the guidance of Sri GuruMaharajji.
I am going to write a short autobiography to describe what offenses I had done and to beg
forgiveness. With the help of this every reader will be able to understand what situations I
went through and gradually became more and more fallen. They will also understand how
Maharajji saved me by his mercy, far-sightedness and expert dealings.

THE NEED TO DESCRIBE ONES OWN STORY

It may be argued that by describing ones own story and by describing how one received the
mercy of the guru one indulges in self-aggrandizement. The question may be raised as to
how saintly people would accept such behaviour because it is not proper for spiritually
oriented individuals to glorify themselves. As it is said, sva-prasamsa dhruvo mrtyuh
(self-edification is death for sure).
Even if it is improper to describe ones own story due to these arguments, I will still go
ahead. The reason behind this is that unless I describe the story, those persons against whom
I have committed offence will not know how grave my offences were and unless they
understand their gravity, they will not be inclined towards forgiving me. Without their
forgiveness it will not be possible for me to enter into or make advancement in the realm of
bhakti.
The second reason is that by telling my story to the godbrothers and godsisters with similar
propensities, many of their misconceptions about our Guruji will be broken down, which will
be of immense help to them.

The third reason concerns the fact that some people consider my sudden shifting from Jiva
Institute to Kalidaha as unwarranted. Some people are even of the opinion that being a
permanent, reliable, capable and laborious member of the Jiva Institute it was Maharajji who
has broken me away from there. Having such an idea about the spiritual master is a grave
offense. If people have such offensive thoughts about Maharajji, I would be indirectly
responsible for them. Hence, by removing such misconceptions and by bringing the facts to
light it will be possible to protect others as well as myself from the offense of disrespecting
the guru. This is an important reason behind this autobiography.
The fourth reason is to give myself the opportunity to describe the glories of Maharajji as I
saw him.
The fifth reason is to explain why Maharajji has given me, a person who is known to have
been full of offenses, shelter in his asrama.
The sixth reason is to caution posterity from imposters who pose as devotees.
The seventh and another important reason is that by writing this autobiography I will be able
to fulfill certain instructions of Maharajji. This way the dosha (bad quality, defect) that
occurs by writing an autobiography will be converted to a guna (good quality, virtue).

THE METHODOLOGY OF WRITING THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Starting from my childhood I will be mainly describing my gradual return journey to the
shelter of the feet of Sri Guru. But once in a while I will digress a little and describe a related
topic (putting it into brackets), after which I will resume the main story. The events will be
generally described the same way in which I had experienced them. If necessary I will also
describe how I retrospectively view those events.
THE NEED TO SEE THE DEFECTS
If a particular organ of any living being becomes diseased, the living being cannot function
smoothly. He wants to get rid of the disease and hence keeps thinking of it. But with the
help of medicine etc. once he becomes normal, he does not worry about his disease anymore.
Here the condition of the writer of this autobiography is like that of a diseased person. After
his arrival in Vrndavana, he (i.e. me) was deeply influenced by good-natured as well as illnatured people, with ill-natured people having a deep influence on my life. But presently I
consider myself responsible for the influence that they had on me since unless a person has
blemishes within himself, how is it possible for others to influence him? It is said that in an
autobiography one must avoid refuting or finding faults with others, but on specific occasions
these might be required. Here my condition is like that, therefore, whenever required, I will
describe the mentality of the ill-natured persons. In such cases my intention is not to degrade
any individual but to bring the facts to light before the reader so that he/she may proceed in
the right direction in his/her life. At the same time those who happen to be treading a wrong
path may bring about a change in their mentality, come to the right path and assist in creating
a group of prosperous and fearless disciples with healthy mind and body who would make
their important contribution towards fulfilling the desires of Guruji in this world. In the
world we find that when a surgeon operates upon someone he causes pain to the patient. But

since his intentions are right, he is not punished but rewarded. The wise have said in the
scriptures that criticism is an act of violence but when evaluation or criticism is done for the
sake of bringing out a higher truth, such violence is glorified by them.
If my work causes pain to anyone, I beg forgiveness from him/her.

A HUMBLE REQUEST
I would like to make a humble request to all the readers. When you read this autobiography,
kindly do not see yourself as an independent being, related to this material world, having ties
of the family, etc. Instead, please try to feel yourself as a servant of Sri Krishna. This way
you will be able to understand my mental feelings properly. Thus, on the one hand you will
be able to forgive me and provide me with your blessings and guidance, and on the other
hand you will be able to show me my shortcomings and thus help me improve.

CHILDHOOD AND RENOUNCING HOME

According to the available horoscopes, I was born on Dvadasi, Krishnapaksa of the month of
Pausa, Samvat year 2030 in a village called Mahavan Khor in Gorakhpur District in the state
of Uttar Pradesh in India. My fathers name is Sri Hari-sevak Mishra and my mothers name
is Srimati Jileba Devi Mishra. We were a total of eight siblings, of whom two brothers and
three sisters are alive today. I am the seventh child of my parents.
My grandfather, Sri Baijanatha Mishra had left this world when my father was three years
old. My father has a brother, Sri Kripasindhu Mishra. Both the brothers were not able to
study properly and after completing their seventh and eight standards of education
respectively, they left their studies and got busy with farming. Fortunately from inheritance
we have a farm, which gave us some income that helped us grow up and get educated. In
short, you may understand that I was born in a poor family. Although we never remained
hungry, it is true that we often had to choose only between two different preparations in a
meal. In spite of that, our parents and siblings loved each other, even if my father has a habit
of arguing too much with people.
My parents were always worried about our education and they did everything they could do
as parents to give us proper schooling. My elder brother, Sri Harikesanatha Mishra had an
important role to play in my education. All in all, my family is economically not strong but it
gives a lot of importance to education.
Our forefathers have been Sakti worshippers (worshippers of the Goddess in one of the forms
like Durga, Kali, etc.). The Mishra families of village Karamhavan and Mahamatpur, which
are located close to our village Mahavankhor are also Sakti worhippers. About four
kilometers away from these villages flows the Rohin river, on the bank of which, an ancient
temple of Vayasi (a form of Goddess Durga) is located. People from nearby villages worship
Goddess Vayasi with devotion. As a matter of fact, by the order of the Goddess herself, no
animal sacrifice has ever been performed in this temple since ancient times - only pure,
sattvik fruits and flowers are used for worship. The people of the area are not staunch
followers of any specific form of God and keep faith in Rama, Krishna, Kali, Shiva, etc.
Depending on their desires they worship different forms of God from time to time, and they
follow the religious festivals that are prevalent in the society like Rama-Navami, Janmastami,
Navaratri, etc. During the festival period, I used to visit the fair held at the Devi temple
premises. Once a year, along with the other family members, I used to attend the annual fair
organized at the temple of Jharkhandi Baba (Lord Shiva) which is situated one kilometer
away from my hometown.
I remember at a very tender age, (when one hears stories from elders), at bedtime, my mother
used to lovingly narrate the stories like those of Bahula and Gopal Bhaiya. Here I wish to
narrate the story of Bahula Cow as it appears in Visrama Sagar.
THE STORY OF BAHULA COW
In the ancient times, there was a kingdom called Chandravati where ruled a king by the name
of Chandrasen. In the kingdom lived a Brahmin who owned a healthy cow of white colour
by the name of Bahula. She used to go to the forests to graze along with the cows of the
neighbouring homes. There, on the bank of Yamuna, was a hill in whose caves different
kinds of animals lived. Once the cow Bahula left the herd and strayed on to the hills. As it

happened, a lion came there roaring ferociously. He leapt on to Bahula, and grabbed her. He
growled, Now it is impossible for you to escape alive. I will eat you up and satisfy my
hunger. Hearing the lions words, the cow remembered her little calf and started to weep.
Seeing her crying, the lion said, Why are you crying? There is no way you can escape
today. Bahula told the lion, My dear lion, please listen. I am not worried about my life.
One who is born is sure to die and one who dies is sure to be born again. But the attachment
for ones child is always intense. I have, for the first time, given birth to a calf and am much
attached to it. The newborn calf is dependent on my milk alone and is yet to start on grass.
So let me first go and feed him milk and thereafter you can eat me.
The lion laughed and replied, If a person, who is about to be executed, expresses a desire to
rush to an astrologer to have his future predicted, it is a futile effort. Similarly, having been
caught by me, your desire to go home and feed your calf is useless. Do you think I am a fool
to let you go? Will you ever return here, once you have reached to your calf? My dear cow,
I will not let you go.
Having heard the lion, Bahula cried, Let all sins that are incurred by killing a cow or a
Brahmin or a guru or a child or a woman come to me if I do not return to you. Let the sins
that are incurred by befriending the atheists or by having enmity with devotees of Rama and
Krishna come to me if I do not return. Let the sins incurred by parents who ignore the
welfare of their children or by those who eat good preparations secretively alone or by
betraying someone or by finding faults with saintly people come to me if I do not return.
The lion replied, O Cow! I accept your pledge. Go and feed your calf and return
immediately since I am very hungry. But dont you dare think that you have managed to fool
me by escaping.
Bahula said, O lion! Who has the courage to fool you? Those who fool others actually fool
themselves. Taking the lions permission, Bahula happily returned home. Seeing her calf,
all her pain vanished and her heart was filled with affection. The calf too, seeing the mother,
leapt up with joy. Bahula started licking the calf affectionately and started feeding it with
milk. But after being fed, the calf noticed that his mother became morose, and he asked,
Dear mother! Why are you so morose? Please tell me the reason.
Bahula replied, Son! Please drink milk and let me see your face to my hearts content. You
too look at me to your satisfaction today as we will never meet after this. A lion had caught
me in the forest, and I have promised him that once I return from here he can eat me. The
simple calf told his mother, Mother! Let me go to the lion instead of you. Since you are a
mother with strong spiritual values, it is my duty to serve you and be thus honoured. Bahula
replied, Son! Death has come to me. Why should you die in my place? The cow gave
some moral instructions to the calf, forbade him to go to the lion, and prepared to go.
Bahula then went to her other cow-friends, told them her story and asked for forgiveness
from them for her any past misdeeds. On hearing the details, the grieving cow-friends quoted
scriptures to convince her how lying was justified for saving ones life. They asked Bahula
not to return to the lion. Bahula said, Friends! Please do not give me such teachings. A lie
that helps protect someone elses life and not ones own, is not treated as a lie, but is as good
as truth. There is no virtue like truth and there is no greater sin like falsehood. I will never
forsake the path of truth.

10

Having said thus, the cow went to the lion to sacrifice her life for the sake of truth and told
him, Lion! Eat me and satisfy your hunger.
The lion, amazed to see the cow return for the sake of keeping her word, said, Mother!
Come and sit here. I will not eat you now even if I die of hunger. Does a truthful one ever
experience sorrow? Can darkness ever cover the brightness of the sun? Mother! You have
been true to your words. I am amazed to see you return. Everything exists in Truth. All
religions exist in Truth. All auspiciousness resides in Truth. Glorious is the place where you
live. Glorious is the grass you graze upon. Glorious is the land on which you tread and
glorious is the farmer in whose home you live. Glorious is your milk. Glorious is the one
who has drunk your milk. Glorious is the one who has the good fortune of seeing you. It is
my great fortune that I have the opportunity of seeing you. Mother Bahula! Give me the
knowledge that will give me the highest benefit.
Bahula said, O lion! Do not practice violence and always think of Govinda. Then Bahula
asked, Lion! Who are you? How were you born in this form of lion?
The lion replied, I used to be a Gandharva and was extremely proud of my beauty and
knowledge. Due to my false pride, once I offended a demigod who cursed me to be born in
this lowly birth of a lion. Having taken birth as a lion, I have committed many sinful acts.
But mother! After seeing you and having spoken to you, all my sins and the curse have been
washed away and I am experiencing the presence of transcendental knowledge in my heart. I
feel blissful. Mother! Please return to your home and make the other cows and your calf
happy. Please forgive my offenses. Having spoken thus, the lion gave up his attachment for
the food, water and other bodily needs and started thinking of God. After a few days the lion
left his body and reached the abode of God.
Bahula also reached home and started living happily and truthfully amongst the other cows
and her calf. After some time she left her body and along with king Chandrasen, the
Brahmana in whose house she lived, and the citizens and cows of the city, she started residing
in Goloka dhama eternally.
Thus ends the story of Bahula. Those who listen to it with full faith and devotion will be
spared from untimely death and will always live happily.
______________________

This parable had a deep influence on my mind and I started thinking that I should also be
able to achieve God-realization. I felt the purpose of my life is to follow the truth and
renunciation. I must have been around four years of age when one of those days I had a
dream that I remember clearly. We had a black cow at home. I saw in the dream that I was
lying on the ground near the cow and she was licking me all over, thus covering my body
with the froth of her mouth. After a while, I saw in the dream that my sister, by the name of
Kumari Sumanlata Mishra, came out smiling, took me up on her lap and carried me.
After I grew up a little, I started going out of home and made friendship with some naughty
boys in the neighbourhood. While on the one hand they would help in organizing religious
activities, on the other hand they sometimes used to create problems in observance of
religious acts. Some of them would even use abusive language towards elders, both in their
presence as well as in their absence. Leaving aside a serious mischief of setting the granary

11

on fire, I was not completely influenced by these miscreants, as strict discipline prevailed at
my home and I always participated in religious activities with fervor and enthusiasm.
My elder brother was educated and took full charge of my studies. He always wanted me to
stand first in class. After the completion of primary education (class five) in the school of our
village, he had me admitted to Bapu Inter College in Pipiganj, located about six kilometers
away. At that time the standard of discipline in the college was very high. According to the
records of the previous years, the students of our village studying in that college had used to
fail most of the times. I was anxious, in spite of being the best student of our village! I
thought I might not even pass the half-yearly exam of standard six in the college. Only one
more student of our village took admission in that college. I was so scared of my elder
brother that I could not speak my heart out to him because he used to expect that I would be
the most meritorious student of the college just like he was. As a result, I became
disinterested within my heart.
It was probably the second week of July that I decided to end up my life. I kept a bottle of
poison near my pillow and started acting as if I were sleeping, planning to drink the poison
when everyone would sleep. Exactly at that time my fathers elder brother, Sri Kripasindhu
Mishra (whom we used to call Babuji) entered the room with a volleyball and a net in his
hand that he had received from the Block on behalf of the Govt. He kept them in my room.
Being a football player, I looked at the volleyball and felt very happy. I planned to play
volleyball like football. The exams were scheduled in December and till then I could play. I
changed my decision of drinking poison and I threw the bottle away.
Let me also tell you that around the same time, starting from the month of June, I developed
some pains in my joints and in the spinal column. Sometimes these pains were extremely
painful. They remained throughout my life starting from those days till the days I started
living with Maharajji. Initially my treatment was done in Pipiganj and there was temporary
relief. When it relapsed, I was treated by Dr. Vineet Malhotra, a senior physician of Baba
Raghav Das Medical College, Gorakhpur. I was OK for some time but the pain returned
again. After that, various types of treatment were tried but there was no permanent relief.
The condition became such that I used to remain bed-ridden for even three consecutive days.
The pain became permanent when I was in classes 10, 11 and 12, and as a result I had to
limp. During those days the Mahabharat serial of B.R. Chopra was shown on television,
containing also Krishna Leela. In it Sridama of Krishna Lila and Shakuni of Mahabharat were
two characters who were shown to be limping. Because of this my classmates would tease
me as Sridama or Shakuni.
After completing class twelve, during my graduation, my treatment was done in the All India
Institute of Medical Science, New Delhi but there was no success. However, what I learnt
was that I did not need to go to a doctor when the pains began, since all of them prescribed
similar painkillers. Hence I started taking the painkillers on my own. Later, when I shifted to
ISKCON, Vrndavana, I continued to keep the medicines and the injections with me. There,
Sri Manjunath ji, who is presently my god-brother, used to administer the injections to me.
Once when I started going to the asrama of Maharajji with Sri Satyanarayana Das ji and Sri
Purusottama Das ji, my legs began paining after everyone had left after the classes. After a
long time I managed to get up and somehow come back home. The next day, Maharaj ji
happened to mention to Sri Satyanarayana ji that he should prepare Bhrigu. Sri

12

Satyanarayana ji jokingly said, He remains ill and is only half-living. Maharaj ji said, No.
He has no disease. If he is slightly careful about his body, he will be okay.
Next day when I told Maharaj ji about my situation, he said, See. You have no disease in
your body. Observe your body to some extent and organize your life-style in accordance
with the requirements of your body. I could not believe that I was actually disease-free, and
the pain went on increasing. I decided that it was essential to investigate into the cause of the
pain so I got myself admitted into Sarojini Naidu Medical College in Agra. After several
investigations the physicians concluded that there was no major illness in my body and that I
would need to maintain a life-style that would be in accordance with my health. I returned to
Maharajji and told him everything. He said, You people dont believe in what I say. Then
he told me something more about pain. That day onwards my pain vanished. Today about
ten years have passed. Maybe once or twice a year the pain comes up for an hour or two only
to remind me of my Shriguruji.
Whenever I go to my village people first ask me about my pain since they had seen the
painful condition of mine. People back home consider the cure of my pain as a miracle.
Let us go back once again to Bapu Inter College. By the end of July I had felt that I was not
as smart as the city bred students but I did have an average level of intelligence good enough
to pass the exams easily. In the month of August seven students, including me, were selected
out of two hundred to appear for a competitive examination for getting scholarship. Only two
students finally qualified for the scholarship and I was one of them. That encouraged me. I
could not manage to secure the first place amongst the students in the half-yearly examination
but I was being counted amongst the best in the class. Since my elder brother had been a
bright and disciplined student of the college, I also got the benefit of getting the special
attention of the teachers. Still, my brother was unhappy, as I was not able to secure the first
place.
Those days my brother started getting a magazine called Pratiyogita Darpan for me. The
competitive articles of this magazine made me competitive too. It created a passion in me for
remaining on the top, even at the cost of not learning anything new. Thus till class twelve I
was only focused on how to secure good marks rather than understand the subject better. The
efforts that I began in Class six for securing the first place moved me from seventh to second
position by the time I was in Class ten.
In Class eleven I was admitted to Maharana Pratap Inter College, Gorakhpur, which was run
by the Maharana Pratap Education Council of the Goraksanatha Temple. It was located at a
distance of about thirty kilometers from our village. I chose such subjects that, in addition to
being my area of interest, would also help me secure high marks. This idea got firmly
ingrained in my mind that I should secure a place in the merit list of the Board Exams of
Class twelve. I perfectly understood the mathematics of securing good marks. However, I
could not secure any position in class eleven. My place was not even fifteenth and yet the
truth was that all students considered it difficult to surpass my performance in class.
Let us understand the reason for my loss of the position. The total marks in the exams were
2000, which was the total of the marks of the half-yearly and final exams. Of these, 1200
marks were for the theoretical papers and 800 marks were for the practical exams. The marks
obtained in the practical exams were totally dependent on the teacher. In those days the
practice of going for private tuitions was in vogue. The students who would go for private

13

tuitions received 790 marks out of 800 in the practical exams. I, who could not afford to bear
the cost of private tuitions, was given only 520 marks so I got 270 marks less than the
students who used to go for tuition.
It is said that God helps those who help themselves. The annual function of the school was
going on. The day when the toppers were being felicitated, I was standing in a corner of the
courtyard sorrowfully thinking of my fate of being poor and not being able to afford private
tuitions. I was being denied the recognition that rightfully should have been mine. Medals
and certificates were being given to the first and second ranking students of all classes. At
that time, all of a sudden the presenter announced that in Class eleven only one student would
be awarded a medal; a student who had stood neither first nor second, not even fifteenth.
Thousands of people in the audience were surprised. I could read it in their faces. It was
announced that for winning the medal it was essential to clear all the subjects along with
securing high marks. This year, it was announced, out of 350 students in Class eleven, only
one student had managed to clear all papers. If the marks of the practical exams are not
considered, the student has secured higher marks than anyone else. I knew the student they
were talking about! My name was announced and I walked up to the stage to receive my
medal and certificate. That day I could tell my brother and others at home that I had, after
years of hardship, finally secured the first place in class.
Before describing the twelfth class happenings, I wish to go back to my childhood and
recount about my spiritual inclinations. As you have read earlier, I had heard stories like that
of Bahula cow that developed spiritual affinity in me. When I was in class two or three, I had
the opportunity to know, by my brothers mercy, the stories of Aruni and Upamanyu, the two
disciples of Brahmarshi Ayodadhaumya. I also got to read the story of Uttanka, who was a
disciple of Veda, another disciple of Brahmarshi.
These three stories are as follows.
THE STORY OF ARUNI
There was a famous Brahmarshi by the name of Ayodadhaumya. He had three disciples,
Upamanyu, Aruni Panchala and Veda. One day a small portion of the mud embankment in
one of the paddy fields collapsed, and the water which had been logged in the field started to
drain out. The teacher sent one of his disciples, Aruni (who belonged to the country of
Panchala) to the farmland saying, Son! Go and repair the broken embankment in the field.
On being thus instructed, Aruni went to the farmland and started repairing the damaged
embankment by the side of the paddy field. But he could not. After trying hard, he came up
with a new idea of repairing the breach. He himself lay down at the spot where the
embankment had collapsed to block the unwanted flow of water. After some time, the
teacher asked his students, Where is Aruni of Panchala? The students replied, Sir! You
have sent him to repair the damaged embankment of the paddy field. Then the teacher said,
Come on. Let us go there. On reaching the field, the teacher called out, O Aruni of
Panchala! Son! Where are you? Come here. On hearing his teacher, Aruni got up from the
field and stood in front of him. Aruni replied with all humility, Sir! I am here. I had lain
down in place of the fence to prevent the water from getting drained out. Having heard you
call me I came up and am standing before you. Please accept my obeisance and let me know
what I am supposed to do. On hearing this from Aruni, the teacher said, You have done
uddalan (repair of the embankment) work very well. Hence you will be known as
Uddalak (i.e. one who worked on the embankment). He also said,

14

yasmaccha tvaya mad-vacanam anusthitam tasmacchreyovapsyasi

sarve cha te vedah pratibhasyanti sarvani cha dharmashastraniti
You have achieved greatness by obeying me. Hence all the knowledge of the Vedas
and the Dharma-shastras will be revealed to you automatically from within your heart.
THE STORY OF UPAMANYU
The second disciple of Ayodadhaumya Upadhyay was named Upamanyu. The teacher once
told him, Son! Please go and take care of the cows. Having been thus ordered, Upamanyu
started tending the cows. He would take care of them all throughout the day and would
return to his guru in the evening and pay obeisance to him. The guru noticed that Upamanyu
was becoming chubbier day by day. Hence one day he asked him, Son! What do you eat
during the day that you are becoming so chubby? Upamanyu replied, Gurudeva! I keep my
body and soul together by begging food. Hearing this, the teacher told Upamanyu, You
must not eat the food without offering it first to me. He agreed. Next day onwards, he
would collect the alms and bring them to the guru. His guru would keep all the alms and
Upamanyu would go back to his work of tending the cows without having any food. This
continued for some days. In the daytime Upamanyu would tend the cows and in the evening
he would come before the teacher and pay obeisance. But the teacher noticed that Upamanyu
was as chubby as before. So he asked him again, Son! I keep all the alms that you collect
from begging. Then how are you maintaining your health? Upamanyu said, Sir! I give all
the alms to you and then I go out for begging once again. I take the food that I collect during
my second round of begging. The teacher said, But this behaviour is not recommended in
the scriptures. By collecting alms twice you are actually reducing the share of alms that the
other students would be collecting. Hence you must not do this. Upamanyu agreed and
went ahead with his daily activity of tending the cows. One evening when he returned to the
guru to pay obeisance, the teacher noticed that he continued to remain chubby. Hence he
asked, Son! I take all your alms and you do not go for a second round of begging either.
Then what do you eat? Upamanyu said that he survived by drinking the milk of the cows.
The teacher then said, But I have not given you the permission to drink the milk of the cows.
You should not do this. Upamanyu agreed and continued to do the work of tending the
cows all day. Again, one evening when Upamanyu came to pay obeisance to his master, he
asked, Upamanyu! I take all your alms. You do not beg a second time. You do not drink
milk either. Then how do you remain so chubby? Upamanyu replied, Sir! Sometimes the
calves throw up some milk after suckling from their mother. I drink that. To this the
teacher said, These calves have superior qualities. They throw up some milk only for your
sake by reducing their own intake of milk. Hence you should stop taking what they throw up
for you. The disciple accepted the instruction and went away. After that Upamanyu would
neither take the alms, nor go for a second round of begging, nor drink milk nor consume what
the calves would throw up. Thus he had nothing to eat and he started losing health. One day,
being extremely hungry he chewed some leaves of Ak that he found in the forest. The leaves
of Ak were extremely bitter and they had a harmful effect on his eyes. He became blind.
Groping in blindness in the forest, he fell into a well. Late in the evening the guru noticed
that Upamanyu had not arrived. He then enquired about his whereabouts from the other
students. They said that they last knew of him as having gone to the forest to tend the cows.
The teacher then said, Since I have stopped all means of Upamanyu to take food, he must
have become angry at me. Hence he has not returned. Let us go and look for him. They
went to the forest and the teacher started calling, Upamanyu! My son! Where are you?

15

Hearing his teachers voice Upamanyu cried, Teacher! I have fallen into a well. The
teacher reached him and asked him how he had fallen. Upamanyu replied, Sir! I had eaten
the leaves of Ak and that made me blind. Hence I could not see and I fell into the well. The
teacher replied, Son! The Ashvinikumaras are doctors amongst the demigods. Pray to them
to heal you. On hearing this from the teacher, Upamanyu started chanting the glorifications
of the Ashvinikumaras as given in the Rigveda. The Ashvinikumaras appeared and said,
Upamanyu! We are pleased with you. Please take this pua that we got for you. Upamanyu
replied, Sir! I accept what you say. But I will not eat anything unless I have offered it to
my ShriGurudeva. The Ashvinikumaras said, Son! Earlier we had given similar Pua to
your Guru. He had accepted the same without offering it to his guru. Hence you may accept
it too. Upamanyu said, With all humility let me submit before you both that I cannot
accept anything without having offered it to my gurudeva. The Ashvinikumaras were
pleased with the devotion that Upamanyu showed towards his guru.
THE STORY OF UTTANKA
The third disciple of Ayodadhaumya was Veda, whose disciple was Uttanka. Once, when the
great Rishi Veda decided to go out on a tour, he asked his disciple, Uttanka to take care of all
the activities of the asrama in his absence. The wife of Rishi Veda wondered why her
husband had entrusted the responsibility of the asrama on such a young and inexperienced
disciple. Hence she decided to test Uttanka. She told him, Uttanka! While leaving the
asrama, my husband asked you to do all the activities on his behalf. Presently I have become
fertile. Hence you must also perform the activity of making my fertility successful on his
behalf.
After thinking for a while, Uttanka replied, You are the wife of my guru. Hence I am ready
to even sacrifice my life in order to fulfill your instructions. But mother! Please do not ask
me to do such an act. I will not be able to perform this sinful act. The wife of his guru was
pleased to know about his faith and self-control. When Rishi Veda returned, his wife told
him everything since she actually wanted only to test Uttanka. Having heard everything, the
pleased Rishi Veda blessed Uttanka saying, Son! May all your wishes be fulfilled! May all
knowledge manifest within your heart on its own.
Thereafter, Uttanka expressed his desire to pay daksina to his guru. The Maharshi asked him
to enquire his wife. On being asked, the wife of the guru said, I want to wear the earrings of
the chaste wife of king Paushya, who also happens to be a disciple of the Rishi. The earrings
are special because nectar of immortality flows from them. I wish to wear them during the
festival. The said festival was only four days away. Uttanka proceeded to the king to ask
for the earrings.
Indra, the king of the demigods, saw that Uttanka was going to get the earrings that Taksaka,
the king of snakes had also wanted to get since long. He thought that Taksaka didnt have the
guts to ask for them from the chaste wife of the king. But if Uttanka took them, Taksaka
would, somehow or the other, get them from him during his return journey. Although
Taksaka happened to be a friend of Indra, the latter felt that he should help Uttanka in some
way or the other in carrying the earrings safely. Indra knew how remorseful a self-controlled
Brahmana boy, engaged in penances and filled with devotion to the guru, would feel if he
were unable to fulfill the desires of the wife of his guru. He also knew how powerful the
wrath of such a student would be, in case he got angry. His curse could make any king fall
from his powerful position. Hence Indra decided to help the boy. The wife of the king gladly

16

offered her earrings to Uttanka, something that even the demigods would find difficult to get.
Taksaka happened to cunningly rob Uttanka of the earrings but by Indras help Uttanka could
get them back from Patalaloka and give them to the wife of his guru on time. How can
someone in the three worlds shake the commitment that a self-controlled person, who is
devoted towards his guru, makes?

On hearing these stories again and again I developed the desire to become an ideal
disciple and serve with simplicity my guru even if it meant giving up my life for him. I
wished to become pure and humble. I started desiring to get a guru like Sri Ayodadhaumya,
undertake tests by him, become successful in the tests and then follow him and realize God
one day. When I was in class six or seven, I started getting curious to know what this
creation was all about. Who is the creator? What is the limit of the sky? What is beyond
that limit? Is everything limitless? If I were to ask these questions to others, they would
dissuade me from thinking about them, saying that these thoughts would drive me crazy. But
I would not listen. Sometimes it would occur to me that this human life is not meant for
simply eating and sleeping. I felt that when death is a must, we should work towards the
stage that we reach after death. However, there was no one who would enlighten me on these
topics.
While in class eight, I would sometimes tell my family that I would one day give up home
and go out in search of the supreme knowledge. Regarding my studies I had a feeling that I
would continue as long as I found it comfortable and as long as I would perform well. I also
felt that if I happened to complete my studies and became an officer somewhere, still I would
renounce everything and go in search of transcendental knowledge, get it and give a new
direction to humanity. After completing the studies of class 12 I decided that if I ever
happened to get the second position, I would stop my studies.
From my childhood I also have had the opportunity of hearing many stories pertaining to
patriotism. When I would hear about how some patriots had given up their lives during
Indias freedom struggle, I would regret having taken birth in a human form only after India
became independent. Had I been born when India was under foreign rule, I would also have
fought for Indias freedom, die a glorious death and would be called a true son of the
motherland. The sacrifice of Guru Tegbahadur for the sake of religious idealism also became
a source of inspiration for me. I also relished hearing the stories of Guru Samarth Ramadasa,
the guru of Shivaji, and the sweet relationship that they had.
The political scenario in the country would make me feel sad. I was shaken to the core when
I heard about the self-immolation acts of some students in protest of Mandals Commission.
I used to feel that unemployment was certainly a matter of suffering
, no matter whether one belonged to a forward caste or to a backward caste. I was myself
born in such a family. My idea was that everyone should get employment. I felt that the
government should come up with some solid policies in this regard. Sometimes I would feel
that I would become a political leader. Hence at a young age I got involved in some political
activities as well.
Thus you can see that I was unable to make up my mind. There were several different ideas
that used to come up in the mind. I would prefer calling this state of the mind as Vyudha
vikalpa, a term given by Sri Viswanatha Chakravarti Thakur. The meaning of this term is
without proper sequence. There were several alternatives ahead of me but I was not able to

17

figure out how I would logically link one with another, and I was unable to prioritise them.
But yes. One idea was very clear to my mind. I knew for sure that the education required for
fulfilling the desires of my mind would not be available in the modern colleges and
universities. Hence beyond all the plans of mine was the ultimate plan of giving up home,
going to a true guru and getting transcendental knowledge. While in class ten, I had once
almost decided that it was time for me to leave home. But then I thought that if I studied a
little more, it would be helpful in the future.
Now I will take you back to Maharana Pratap Inter College. While on the one hand I was
excited about the first position that I had secured in class eleven, I became worried about my
performance in class twelve. That was because I could not afford private tuitions. And in the
Board Examinations of class twelve, they would only consider the marks that I would obtain.
My joint pains had also intensified. But I had not lost hope. I started giving private tuitions
to some students of the village. What an irony that my brother would give tuitions free of
cost to village students, not even thinking of accepting any money for teaching. However, I
was forced to talk about fees before starting the lessons. Also, I was simple and I did not
consider it to be anything wrong since I had seen many teachers charge fees for giving private
tuitions. In fact, this was an ill effect of the company I kept.
Whatever money I would earn from the tuitions would be spent in paying for my private
tuition that I started receiving from my class-teacher. There were many sections in class
eleven. Since I was a student of my teachers section and I had topped in class eleven, the
teacher was compassionate towards me. He started liking me even more when I started going
to him for tuitions. Gradually I convinced the other students that if my teacher gave me 375
out of 400 marks in the practical exams, my name would appear in the merit list of the Board
Exams of the state of Uttar Pradesh. Those days the pain in my legs used to be very intense
and I had to travel about 60 kms everyday by train and had to walk about 8 kms daily. The
fellow students were sympathetic to my condition and all of them told my teacher that if
Bhrigunath Mishra were to get good marks in the practical exams, he would be in the merit
list. The teacher was happy to hear that since it was a matter of pride to see his students
name in the merit list. The school authorities would also be pleased since in that case the
schools name would become known all over the vast state of Uttar Pradesh and the
Maharana Pratap Education Board would also give credit to the school. The teacher
immediately announced that he would give me up to 398 marks, if not 400, out of 400 in the
practical examinations and that I needed not go for private tuitions regularly any more. He
said that I could ask him any questions any time anywhere for seeking clarifications. Since
my legs kept hurting, he allowed me to stay at home for the next two months and prepare for
the examinations; he would certify my attendance. I was free to go to the school whenever I
felt the need. I expressed my gratitude to the students and the class-teacher.
The same year BJP government won the elections in the state of Uttar Pradesh. Kalyan Singh
became the Chief Minister who enforced an anti-copying act in the state. According to the
act, any student found copying or using unfair means during an examination would be sent to
jail. This act was in my favour, but there were some students who were against me. Since I
never helped them use unfair means during the examinations, they were annoyed with me and
wanted to have me arrested by keeping small chits of paper near me during the exams to give
the impression that I was copying from the chits. One simple-hearted fellow from amongst
them gave me this information beforehand. I asked for security from the school
administration and I was given the necessary protection. In the practical examinations I
scored 398 marks.

18

It must have been the end of the month of June. The results of the Board Exams were
declared. I stood 7th in the state of Uttar Pradesh. I was very happy and so were the others.
My brother returned home from Delhi and was happy to hear the news, but his happy face
gradually became dull and he told me, Bhrigu! It is easy to get a good position but it is
difficult to maintain it. Now you have to top the university exams throughout. You need not
be too happy now.
This attitude of my brother shook me from within. I wondered what kind of life I was living
where I could not even enjoy any achievement of mine. I realized that it was because of
envy. Although everyone has the right to secure the top position, it actually goes to only one
individual. We should be happy for the person who has achieved a high position. There
should be no lack of efforts on our part. From the reaction and attitude of my brother I once
again concluded that whatever education we are getting is actually wrong. I took a firm
decision that I would continue studying as long as I topped in the examinations. As soon as I
would slip from the first position, I would renounce everything and go in search of
transcendental knowledge. The Government of Uttar Pradesh invited my class teacher and
me to Lucknow and awarded us with a shield, a certificate and a cash award. Other
meritorious students were also awarded. The then chief advisor of the Governor of the state
of Uttar Pradesh, R.D. Sonkar, was giving the awards away. I still remember his words, I
am awarding those students who have appeared in the merit list without resorting to any
unfair means. Hence I am proud of them.
I joined Gorakhpur University for studying B.Com. During the exams of the first year, my
joint pains intensified and I was unable to walk. However, with the assistance of the other
students I managed to reach the examination hall for writing the exam. After a while my
condition worsened to the extent that I had to be admitted to Raghavdas Medical College. I
returned home after being treated there for seven days. My legs had swollen to the extent that
I could not bend them. I had missed my exams.
Next year I started preparing for the exams once again. The syllabus had been altered that
year and new books had to be purchased in accordance with the new syllabus. But I did not
have any money to buy new books. Hence I kept on preparing from the old books. I could
not attend the lectures in college either since according to the college rules, those who repeat
exams are considered to be private students and not regular ones. They are not supposed to
attend the classes but are supposed to prepare for the exams on their own from their homes.
As a result, when I went to appear for the exams, I could answer only some of the questions.
The rest were beyond what I had prepared. I made an estimate that I would be scoring about
75 marks out of 100. Then I estimated that for securing the top position in the college I
should be able to score about 85 marks in the second exam. I was under tension. The second
paper was on Statistics. While answering the questions, I started making mistakes that I
would be able to detect after about 15 minutes. An hour and a half was gone. I felt that an
unknown power was forcing me to make mistakes. After some time I realized that I would
not be able to top the college exams any more so there was no need to answer the rest of the
questions. I decided that the time had come for me to go in search of transcendental
knowledge and work for the welfare of the world and humanity. After leaving the exam hall I
reached my uncles house (my mothers sister & her husband). Their family liked our family
very much. I lied to my uncle and asked for five hundred rupees from him, which he
immediately gave me since he had faith in our family members. I collected the money from
him and went straight to the railway station of Gorakhpur.

19

ISKCON, VRINDAVAN
I reached the railway station thinking that I should go to Kanyakumari and join Sri
Ramakrishna Mission. This decision was due to the fact that I had heard about Swami
Vivekananda, although I had never had a chance to read any of his works. Since childhood I
had had faith in different forms of divinity like Rama, Krishna, Shiva and Durga. That time I
thought, as I had already visited Ayodhya, the birthplace of Shri Rama, I should also pay a
visit to the holy land of Mathura, the birthplace of Lord Krishna, and subsequently move on
to Kanyakumari. I also decided that I would not speak to any Tom, Dick or Harry on the
way. Regarding any matter I would speak only to the concerned officials. I was fully
cautious about the criminal activities of some imposters who fooled children with sweet
words and then sold them off to an illegal trade. I bought a map, studied it and decided upon
the train route to go to Mathura. I bought the ticket and boarded Vaishali Express. The train
started; I was inching towards a new life. I was at peace.
Suddenly, I remembered my mother and started to cry. I wondered whether I would ever
meet her again. No matter how happy and satisfied I might be in life, my mother would
always feel miserable remembering the pain in my legs. She would remain anxious about my
coping with the terrible pain. Then I calmed myself and focused on the thought that I was
going in search of the Absolute Truth. Pain and pleasure would always be there. I thought
that once I became spiritually elevated, my whole family would benefit from it and my
forefathers will also be blessed. Thus, I regained my composure.
After the train journey I reached Mathura by bus. But once I reached there, instead of
visiting the birthplace of Sri Krishna I instinctively thought of going to Vrindavan. I caught a
tempo and reached Vrindavan at around 10 o clock in the morning. I first went to Sri
Rangaji temple. Avoiding the midd
lemen, I went straight to the chief Mahant of the temple. I told him that I wished to gain
transcendental knowledge and work for the country. He appreciated my resolve but said that
there was no such facility in the temple and suggested that I meet Sri Rajaram Mishra and get
guidance from him. He was a teacher at Rangalakshmi Vidyalaya, a school attached to the
temple. However, I couldnt meet him, as he wasnt there.
I tried going to other places but it was of no use. They did not consider their places fitting for
me to live in and fulfill my lifes goal. I returned to the Vrindavan bus station. I thought I
should go back to Mathura and live with the Gayatri Parivar. I spread out my towel on the
floor and lay down to rest. At that time, a person came near and started talking to me. After I
shared my disappointments with him he stated ISKCON would be an appropriate place for
me. He said, But they will not admit you in their society right away. You can go there and
sleep for the night on the wooden planks of the flower sellers placed in front of the temple.
You can do some service in the temple, daytime. They will give you prasad. You can also
hear the discourses on the Bhagavadgita that are held there. I asked, Is Bhagavadgita a
book on spiritualism? Yes, he replied. I was pleased, and decided to go there. I was
ready to sleep on the planks. I felt one has to go through the trials and tribulations of life.
I went to ISKCON. It was 2 PM, time for prasad distribution and people were queuing for
receiving prasad. The person at the gate who was overseeing the entry of the devotees looked
at me and said, Go in and have prasad. I was hungry and was glad to receive the grace of
the Lord in the form of prasad in the holy land of Vrindavan!

20

After having prasad, I enquired from the watchman who the in-charge of the place was. He
took me to a devotee dressed in white by the name of Popat. I told him about my resolve. He
heard me and took me directly to the temple commander, Sri Raghupati Das. I spoke to Sri
Raghupati Das and explained to him what I wanted in life, after which he immediately made
all arrangements for my stay in the temple. It was hard to believe that in less than twentyfour hours of my giving up home I would be settled in a different place.
Then Sri Raghupati Das called me aside. He asked me to send a letter to my mother
immediately. I replied my people would come and forcibly take me away. He said that he
would take care of everything but I must write the letter. I wrote the letter and it reached my
home within three days. They learned from it that I had given up home. My mother was
shocked and became unconscious, whereas my father remarked, I knew, he would become a
sadhu one day.
Immediately my uncle and elder brother reached Vrindavan and took me home. Sri
Raghupati Das convinced me in such a way that I agreed to return! I had heard about Sri
Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and Sri Raghunath Das Goswami in my childhood so I was inspired
early on about the amazing movement of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu.
I was sent to Delhi from my village for higher studies. Meantime, my brother had started
earning money. But once I was in Delhi, I again returned to Vrindavan. I decided to make
my human life successful and this success was only possible through God-realization.
Kanyakumari was completely forgotten. The pull of Mathura Mandali was so strong that I
desired to become a part of Mathura!
My family members used to take me back and I would repeatedly return to Vrindavan.
Finally my brother told my mother that I need not be disturbed any more. He felt I might
disappear one day and that not knowing about my whereabouts would be more painful. He
proposed that I be left alone. They realized that they had tried their best to persuade me, but
my resolution was firm. My mother also saw the point and agreed.
While in ISKCON I would dutifully perform all the services allotted to me and would
regularly attend the discourses to get answers to my questions. I was told that one must study
only the books by Srila Prabhupada, the founder, and need not learn Sanskrit or study any
other books. If other books were studied, faith in Prabhupada would diminish. I found this
odd as I could never imagine Indian culture without Sanskrit language. I believed that Truth
has a power of its own and nothing could conceal it. Hence if there was truth in something,
all knowledge of the world would together highlight it rather than curb it. Secretly, I started
reading books like Jaiva Dharma.
After some time, I became the Assistant Temple Commander. I remember that I would sit in
the office and sometimes wonder whether my life would be spent just in celebrating festivals.
I would wonder when I would get transcendental knowledge and realize God. At times I
would lose hope. Observing my inquisitive nature, one day Sri Vaishnava Das told me, If
you want to know more, read the Shat-Sandarbha of Srila Jiva Goswami, but do so secretly.
Hearing about the Sri Shat-Sandarbha, also known as Sri Bhagavat-Sandarbha, I was
delighted. When I asked him where I could get the book, he referred me to Sri Maharajji and
said that I could get it at Sri Gaurahari Press in Old Kalidaha. Next day when I started
enquiring about Sri Maharaj ji and his book, some of the so-called devotees in the temple

21

started criticizing him. I heard the criticisms and wondered about Maharaj ji as to why such
an aged and learned saint was like that. Dear readers, now I understand why I could not
advance in bhakti in the last ten years. The reason was the fact that I had heard the criticisms
of a pure Vaishnava and kept ill company. You will understand the significance of this once
you go through this book completely.
After a couple of days of my stay in ISKCON I heard about Sri Satyanarayana Das as one of
the most learned devotees in ISKCON. Some people also said that he refuted many teachings
of Sri A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami. I had faith in Srila Prabhupada so I was hesitant to meet
him, although some individuals coaxed me to do so and ask him questions. It was my natural
belief that without having sufficient knowledge of the scriptures, I would be unwittingly
influenced by his words, so I did not meet him. I only heard two of his discourses.
Those days I came in contact with one Sri Dinesh Singh. Eventually I developed a close
friendship with him. He was also known as Damodar Das in ISKCON. Although we were
worked in different departments, our interests were common. As I used to be ill most of the
times, he suitably got me treated and took good care of me.
My interest in Gaudiya Vaishnava philosophy went on increasing. In those days my care
taker in the temple, Sri Vaishnava Das started asking me to get initiated by a guru in
ISKCON. I was not yet fully ready for diksha but I was told that once I got initiated, my
curiosity would be satisfied. Then I had a chance to go to Mayapur. There I happened to
meet Swami Gopala Krishnaji Maharaj with whom a discussion was held regarding my
initiation. He satisfied me by saying that eventually I would get initiated.
After returning to Vrindavan I came to know that many senior sanyasis in ISKCON had
fallen, and such stories made me resolve to postpone my initiation. I decided that I would
first understand all the issues correctly. After a few days Sri Gopala Krishnaji Maharaj came
to Vrindavan. I was called for further discussions on initiation but I refused, saying that I
was not mentally prepared and that I would take it up later on.
Sri Gopala Krishnaji called me again and wanted to know what was stopping me. I went to
meet him in the guesthouse. When he asked what the obstacle was, I told him that I wanted
to ask him some questions in seclusion. The others left the room and I closed the door from
inside. An abridged version of my conversation with Sri Gopala Krishnaji is presented here.
Bhrigunath Mishra: Please tell me something about Raganuga bhakti.
Sri Gopala Krishnaji: Look. You need not worry too much about this topic. You will get
Raganuga bhakti as you proceed with Vaidhi bhakti. Look at me. I follow all the rules of
Vaidhi bhakti like chanting sixteen rounds of the mantra, etc. Prabhupada says that you
follow Vaidhi bhakti. And you will get Raganuga later on. You too must follow Vaidhi
bhakti. OK. Bhrigu, tell me, where did you learn all this from?
Bhrigunath Mishra: Initially, Sri Vaisnava Das spoke about it and later on I read about it in
the book, Jaiva Dharma.
Sri Gopala Krishnaji: I see.

22

Bhrigunath Mishra: Can I study the other scriptures and the works of Sri Jiva Goswami, etc.
in the future?
Sri Gopala Krishnaji: You need not think too much. Prabhupadas books are sufficient. I
also read only Prabhupadas books. Read only his works.
Bhrigunath Mishra: Then why is Sri Raghupati Das doing Ph.D? He is your disciple.
Sri Gopala Krishnaji: Look. He wants to do something in the future so he is studying. But
what have you got to do with all this? You remain busy with your devotional service. Look.
I want a powerful team of preachers to be created in Vrindavan that will have at least fifteen
buses running. You can become the leader of this mission.
Bhrigunath Mishra: Yes, Maharaj.
Sri Gopala Krishnaji: Anything else you want to ask?
Bhrigunath Mishra: No. When I feel like asking in the future, I will ask.
Sri Gopala Krishnaji: Sure. Dont hesitate to ask.
I paid obeisance to him and came out in the temple compound. While on the one hand I was
feeling peaceful, on the other hand I was feeling sort of disturbed. The truth was that I
respected Srila Prabhupada and his followers. From the above conversation I reached the
conclusion that my nature was different from that of Sri Gopala Krishnaji Maharaj. I could
not keep my inquisitive nature suppressed. I had decided that I would not take initiation from
him. I felt at peace as I realized that I had not got connected to a guru whose nature was
different from mine. The disturbing thought was that - had I taken diksha from him, as
suggested by Sri Vaishnava Das and others, I would have continued studying the scriptures
against his wishes and thus I would have committed offense at the feet of my guru. I prayed
fervently, O Lord! Lead me to the right direction!
Then I increased my interactions with Sri Radhagovind Maharajji. He supports the study of
the works of the acharyas of the Gaudiya sampradaya but my faith in him went away when I
heard him say that the disciplinal succession of Srila Prabhupada was wrong. I asked him
that Sri Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati had cited a sloka supporting his claim for the disciplic
succession but he said that any sloka could be fabricated by anybody. I lost my faith in him.
Readers might wonder why he had said that Prabhupadas disciplic succession was wrong in
spite of the fact that he was living in ISKCON? I can explain the answer and try to satisfy
you if you meet me personally and talk about it. I dont think it is proper to mention it here.
After that I started thinking seriously whom I should make my guru. Where could I get real
knowledge? In those days in ISKCON the debate about Jivas fall started raging.
Prabhupada has written in some places that jiva (the individual soul) has fallen from the
abode of God. He has also written in some places that jiva is bahirmukha (bounded to the
material world) from anadi-kala (beginning-less time). But according to Srila Jiva Goswami,
jiva is bahirmukha from anadi-kala (beginning-less). When I asked Dinesh Singh to tell me
something about this issue he replied, What do you have to do with knowledge and
controversies? Keep practicing your devotional service. My inquisitive nature distracted

23

me because without getting satisfactory answers I could not develop sufficient faith. Also, I
found this topic interesting.
On asking others about the issue of the fall of the soul, I never got satisfactory answers. My
personal belief was that no one could fall from the abode of God. On one of those days I
happened to get the book, Not Even the Leaves Fall from Vaikuntha. After going through
the book I was even more convinced that jivas do not fall from Vaikuntha. People said that
the controversy was over. Both options were open and one could accept whatever he or she
liked to believe in. I formed my opinion in favour of the beginning-less bondage of the soul.
I also started believing that those who considered jivas to be falling from the abode of God
were ignorant and fallen.
I have already mentioned that I was reading books like Jaiva Dharma. I learnt from the book
that in Gaudiya Vaisnava path, a siddha swarup (spiritual form) in the mood of the manjaris
is provided to the devotee, a practice that is missing in ISKCON. A doubt entered my heart.
At times I would start believing that I should give up ISKCON and become a Babaji and start
doing spiritual sadhana afresh. When I mentioned about this to Dinesh Singh, he quoted the
following verse from the Bhagavadgita:
Bahoonam janmanamante jnanavan mam prapadyate
Vasudevah sarvamiti sa mahatma sudurlabhah
After many births one fortunate knowledgeable soul, who sees Vasudeva in everything,
eventually surrenders to Me. Such a Mahatma is rare indeed. (Bhagavadgita 7/19)
He quoted the sloka and explained it to mean that by becoming a jnani and inquisitive I
would simply keep lingering on in the material world, birth after birth. I became tensed. He
suggested that I speak to Satyanarayana Das ji. However, I was not prepared for this. I used
to think that I could discuss with him only when I became really knowledgeable, or else I
might get caught in his logic and arguments. I was so stressed that my body took five hours
to overcome the tension.
At that time I received a copy of the book, Our Original Position, published by ISKCON
BBT. I understood that the book had been written is response to Satyanarayana Das jis
book, Not Even the Leaves Fall from Vaikuntha. What was written in this book was
clearly illogical, anti-devotional and anti-Krishna. I thought that since BBT published the
book, everyone in ISKCON agreed with it. At this moment I considered only Srila
Prabhupada to be genuine, rest of all his followers now seemed to be deviated. I felt that if
there existed even a single honest devotee in the whole of ISKCON, he would surely speak
out against this publication, since no true devotee would tolerate such distorted
interpretations of the pastimes of Sri Krishna, as depicted in the book.
I decided to give up ISKCON and move to Narayana Maharajji. He acknowledged the
assumption of the soul being under beginning-less bondage and he also bestowed a spiritual
Manjari form. Then I remembered that Dinesh Singh had earlier hinted me to meet Sri
Satyanarayana Das. I saw that Dinesh Singh himself had left ISKCON about a month ago
and had gone back to his hometown. I felt that something was wrong somewhere. I thought
that since I had decided to leave ISKCON, let me meet Satyanarayana ji for once. It was
possible that he must know a lot about Gaudiya Vaishnava teachings, which he cannot talk
about openly because of the restrictions in ISKCON. I had to know the facts.

24

I started preparing the questionnaire to be asked to him. My caretaker, Sri Vaishnava Das
was observing my activities. One day he told me in a secluded place, Listen to me carefully.
In ISKCON, Srila Prabhupada is the only guru and his books are the only scriptures.
Everything is under this law. You may take initiation from anybody but if you cannot accept
these principles then you will have to leave ISKCON and go somewhere else. I will explain
separately, what was the real intention behind when Sri Vaishnava Dasji said this.
I did not like the suggestion of Sri Vaishnav Dasji because I had never heard about such a
kind of principle for acceptance of the guru. I decided to have a straight cut discussion with
Satyanarayana Dasji for a couple of minutes and then go to Sri Narayana Maharaj.
One afternoon I went to his room. He was alone at that time. I paid my obeisance to him and
sat down. Following is the conversation that took place between us.
I said, Prabhuji, I am in search of Truth, supreme knowledge and God. I am ready to give
up anything for the sake of this. So far I have understood that Sri Krishna is Swayam
Bhagavan and He had appeared in the form of Sri Chaitanya Mahaparabhu. I believe in Srila
Prabhupada. I have complete trust in the assumption that the souls are in material bondage
since beginning-less time. After reading the book Our Original Position published by
BBT, I have lost faith in the followers of Srila Prabhupada. I have decided to give up
ISKCON. Now I am going to Narayana Maharaj. I understand that you are living in
ISKCON under difficult circumstances and hence it is not easy for you to speak out the truth
to strangers. But I appreciate discussions so please tell me the truth frankly.
Sri Satyanarayana Dasji studied my face for a while and then said, Listen. Prabhupada and
Narayana Maharaj are two sides of the same coin. There is no difference between the two.
Prabhupada had no realization. He was like any other mortal who ate, drank and passed
stool. As far as the question of the fall of the soul from the abode of God is concerned, all
Gaudiya Vaishnava culture and true Indian culture become meaningless if one accepts the
theory of the soul falling from the abode of God. Even Prabhupada was confused regarding
this issue.
The discussion went on for some time and then I returned to my room. I was happy for not
having gone to Narayana Maharaj. God had saved me! But my fundamental problem
remained status quo. I had given up my home thinking that I would take shelter of a
Sadguru, receive transcendental knowledge and work for the welfare of humanity. I thought
at night, If Sri Satyanarayana Das ji knows about any Sadguru, he will surely tell me about
him. I will talk to him about this tomorrow.
Next morning I went to his room, paid obeisance and after taking his permission, I asked him,
In your opinion, is there any realized Sadguru on the face of this earth today?
Satyanarayana Dasji replied, Yes! In Old Kalidaha there lives Om Vishnupada
Paramahamsa Astottarashata Srimad Sri Haridas Shastriji Maharajji. He is realized, aged and
learned. I asked, Does he study and teach the scriptures? Does he enforce restrictions of
any kind? I was very pleased to hear his response. I thought possibly my desire would be
finally fulfilled! When I told him that I was interested in meeting Maharajji he said he went
to the ashram of Maharaj ji located at Kalidaha every evening to do go-seva and to hear his
classes on the scriptures. He said that I could come with him to meet Maharajji.

25

CONTACT WITH GURUJI AND HEARING THE SCRIPTURES

In the evening, I reached the ashram of Maharaj ji in old Kalidaha along with Sri
Satyanarayana Das and Sri Purushottam Das. Cows and calves were roaming all around.
After serving the cows for about an hour I moved towards the temple. After a while Maharaj
ji opened the doors of the temple and we entered. We paid obeisance to the deities and to
guruji, and sat down in front of guruji to hear the lessons on Sri Chaitanya Charitamrta. I
consider myself fortunate, as the lessons on Sri Chaitanya Charitamrta were beginning on that
very day. This is an amazing work of the Gaudiya Vaishnava sampradaya where all the
esoteric teachings are explained in plain and simple language.
For the first couple of days I had difficulty understanding Maharaj jis speech, but third day
onwards I understood everything that he said.
I was very happy to have come in contact with Maharaj ji. I was realizing that all my doubts
were being answered by Maharaj ji on the basis of the scriptures in plain and simple
language. I still remember the kindhearted reply he gave me when I asked him whether I
could study the works of the previous acharyas. His reply was:
What to talk about the Gaudiya Vaishnava teachers! Read the works of all the nastik (those
who do not accept the authority of the Vedas) and astik (those who accept the authority of the
Vedas) teachers of the world. But you must read some of the works of the Gaudiya
Vaishnava acharyas initially since in these works all the philosophical thoughts of the world
have been analysed. You may go out and hear from other teachers also. When you do that,
come back to me and tell me what you have heard. What to talk of the other scriptures, I am
ready to teach even kama shastra! (the scriptures pertaining to the erotic arts). Listen to what
niti shastra (scriptures pertaining to code of conduct) has to say:
anekasamshayocchedi paroksharthasya darshakam
sarvasya lochanam shastram yasya nastyandha eva sah
The scriptures explain the hidden meanings and remove all doubts they are like our eyes.
He who does not possess the eyes of the scriptures is actually blind.
He also explained that the scriptures are extremely beneficial (upakari). Hence every human
being must study the scriptures to the extent possible from a guru who is knowledgeable and
Tattvadarshi (one who has experienced the Absolute Truth). I was pleased to hear this
exposition from Maharaj ji. I realized that Maharaj ji did not limit people to some dogma but
encouraged the infinite expansion and growth of ones knowledge, capability, personality,
etc.
I moved out of ISKCON and started living in the ashram of Swami Bhaktanandaji. From
there I used to go to Maharaj jis ashram, do go-seva and hear the scriptures. For about a
year I studied from Maharaj ji Sri Chaitanya Charitamrita, also under his guidance I did selfstudy of other Gaudiya Vaisnava texts like Sri Shat-Sandarbha, Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu,
Sri Madhurya-kadambini, Sri Ragavartma-chandrika, Sri Sadhanadipika, Svakiyatva-nirasavicharah tatha parakiyattva-nirupanam, Sri Brhat-bhagavatamritam.

26

I am explaining below* some of the concepts that I learnt as a result of this study.
[*Translators note: What follows is an explanation of some of the key teachings of Sri
Caitanya Mahaprabhu as taught by Sri Rup Goswami, Sri Jiva Goswami and the other
acharyas. Although an attempt has been made to translate the ideas as accurately as possible,
it is important to note that it is impossible to convey the detailed concepts fully and
accurately in English language. Often there are subtle nuances in specific Sanskrit words that
are difficult to convey in English language. Hence we would urge all the readers to acquaint
themselves with the Sanskrit language.]
The Appearance of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu:
The Supreme Lord Sri Krishna appears in this mortal world from time to time. Sometimes
He appears as He is, and sometimes He appears in a form in which He manifests Himself
partially. There are specific reasons behind each of His appearances. The nature and form of
the incarnation is in accordance to the purpose that He wishes to accomplish in that
incarnation.
Sri Krishna, Himself, appeared on the full moon night of the month of Phalgun in the year
1486 in the form of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. His fathers name is Sri Jagannath Mishra
and His mothers name is Sri Shachi Devi.
The Reasons Behind the Appearance of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu:
Describing the three main reasons behind the appearance of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, Sri
Krishnadas Kaviraj has written in Sri Chaitanya Charitamrita:

sriradhayah pranayamahima keedrusho vanyaeva

swadyo yenaadbhutmadhurima keedrusho madiyah
soukkhang chasya madanubhavatah keedrushang veti lobhat
tadbhavadhay samjani shachigarbha sindhou harininduh
1) What is the greatness of Sri Radhas love like? 2) In relation to this love, what is it like to
experience the magical taste of the wonderful sweetness of Sri Krishna? 3) What kind of bliss
does Sri Radha feel when She has that magical experience?
To relish the experience of the above particulars, Sri Krishna Himself adopted the
embodiment of the beautiful Bhav of Sri Radha; and, just like the moon seems to rise from
the sea, He seemed to appear from the womb of Shachidevi.
There is another reason, full of blessings to the world, which is behind His appearance, and
which Sri Rupa Goswami explains in the play, Vidagdha-Madhava as follows:

27

anarpita charim chirat karunayavitirang kalou

samarpiyitumunntojwallrasang swabhaktishriyam
harih puratsundaradyutikdambsandipitah
sada hrudayakandare sphuritu vah shachinandanah.
May Lord Hari, the son of Saci, enter into our heart and drive away all defects just like a
lion enters a cave and drives away all elephants from within the cave. The son of Saci, whose
effulgence is more than that of gold, has appeared in the age of kali out of His mercy to
distribute the wealth of devotion to Himself that is enriched with the bright rasa of sweetness,
which was never in the past distributed by any incarnation of God in any of the ages.
In this verse, Sri Rupa Goswami has clarified that the unnata ujjvala rasa (the bright rasa of
sweetness) i.e. the mood that the cowherd damsels of Vraja have towards Krishna, was never
given by any of the incarnations in the past yugas. It was not possible for the other
incarnations to do so, as it is in relation to the bhava of Krishna and His associates.
Therefore it is possible only for Krishna Himself or His personal associates to distribute this
bhava to the world. For this purpose, Sri Krishna Himself has appeared in the form of Sri
Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. The other associates of Krishna also appeared along with Him in
this world to assist Him in His pastimes. Thus, Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu and His associates
mercifully distributed to the people of this world this effulgent (Ujjwal) Rasa, something that
was never ever bestowed.
Uttama Bhakti:
Before understanding the nature and the method of Sadhana that is to be performed for
experiencing this Supreme and effulgent (ujjwal) rasa (bhava of the cowherd damsels of
Vraja), it is imperative to understand the concept of Uttama bhakti, which is the soul of this
rasa.
Sri Rupa Goswami defines Uttama bhakti in his book, Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu as:
anyabhilashitashunyam jnanakarmadi anavritam
anukulyena krishnanushilanam bhaktiruttama
Completely devoid of the tendency to have any other desires, not masked by jnana and
karma, Uttama Bhakti is the continuous service to Krishna
Sri Jiva Goswami, Sri Vishvanatha Chakravarti Thakur and Sri Mukunda Goswami have
written detailed commentaries on this verse. A short explanation of their commentaries is
presented below.
First let us understand the word Krishnanushilanam. In the above verse, the word
anushilanam indicates the derivative of a word that originates from a verbal root
(infinitive).
Words derived from verbal roots are of two types, cheshta rup (i.e. one that indicates
endeavour) and bhava rup (i.e. one that indicates feelings).

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Cheshta rup words (i.e. those that indicate endeavour) are again of two types, those that
indicate a positive endeavour (pravrttyatmak) and those that indicate a negative endeavour
(nivrttyatmak). These endeavours, whether positive or negative, may pertain to the body
(kayik) or to speech (vachasik) or to the mind (manasik).
Bhava rup words (i.e. those that indicate feelings) are of two types, those indicating priti
(affection) and those indicating vishad (dejection).
Hence, in short, positive endeavours (pravrittirup cheshta) refer to taking up some
endeavours with body, mind and speech. Negative endeavours (nivrittirup cheshta) refer to
giving up some endeavours with body, mind and speech. Feelings (bhava rup) indicate either
affection (priti) or dejection (vishad).
The meaning of Krishnanushilanam as a positive endeavour (pravrittirup cheshta) refers to
accepting things favourable to Krishna with body, mind and words. As a negative endeavour
(nivrittirup cheshta) it refers to rejecting things unfavourable to Krishna with body, mind and
words. For example, while describing the types of sadhana bhakti, statements like sevanama-aparadhanam-udbhava-bhavakarita indicate the absence of offenses to service of the
Lord and the Name of the Lord. Absence of such offenses is an example of negative
endeavour.
Similarly the meaning pertaining to the affection aspect (priti) of the feelings (bhavarup) of
Krishnanushilanam refers to the sthayi bhava (like rati-prema) that are signs of priti. The
meaning pertaining to the dejection aspect (vishad) refers to having the thirty-three types of
bhavas like nirved-vishad dainya etc. that come under the sanchari group.
The prefix anu in anushilanam indicates repetitiveness. Hence anushilanam means
repetitive, or continuous service.
Further, the word Krishna-anushilanam means service to Krishna and to everything else
associated with Him. Everything else associated with Him means that the concept of service
becomes applicable to activities like taking shelter of the feet of the guru, bhava, etc. Thus
the defect of avyapti (i.e. a particular concept not getting included as a part of bhakti) will not
occur in concepts like sthayi and vyabhicahari bhavas.
This Krishnanushilam is obtained only by the mercy of Krishna or His devotee. This is a
manifestation of the internal potency (Swarupa Shakti) of God. When it manifests in a
person, it does so in his activities, speeches and thoughts.
Here, by Krishna is meant Swayam Bhagavan Sri Krishna as well as all His incarnations and
expansions. For fully explaining bhakti, the term anukulyena has been used in the verse
under study.
If the meaning of anukulyena is taken only as Anukulyam
chaasminnuddeshyaya shrikrishnaya rochamanah pravrittih (that which is liked by Krishna),
there appear the defects of ativyapti (other objects getting included in the definition apart
from the one being defined) as well as avyapti (the definition not sufficiently qualifying the
object intended to be defined) in the definition. These defects are explained below.
To consider an example, Krishna enjoys the rati (pleasure) of excitement produced by the
rasa of warfare when the demons hit Krishna with their weapons. And Krishna does not
like the fact that His mother, Yashoda deserts Him to take care of the milk that is boiling on

29

the oven. If the meaning of anukulyena is taken only as that which is liked by Krishna,
there occur the defects of ativyapti (other objects getting included in the definition apart
from the one being defined) as well as avyapti (the definition not sufficiently qualifying the
object intended to be defined) respectively for the above two cases. This means that the
demons that actually fall under the category of non-devotees get counted as devotees while
Yashoda, who is a devotee, does not qualify as one! To eliminate the possibility of these two
defects from accruing, one needs to understand the meaning of anukulyena as pratikulyashunyatvam, i.e. that which is devoid of any inimical feelings. On the basis of this
definition, bhakti will not be assigned to the behaviour of the demons because they are
enemies of Krishna. Similarly the defect of Yashoda not getting counted as a devotee will
not occur since Yashodas act of deserting Krishna and rushing to take care of the milk is
motivated by her concern for Krishnas welfare, i.e. she is devoid of any inimical attitude.
Here it may be argued that if the term anukulyena is defined as pratikulya-shunyatvam
(that which is devoid of inimical feelings), it is enough to explain the main quality of bhakti
and hence the term anushilanam (service) is not required any more for defining it. This
argument has a flaw. If bhakti were qualified only by the characteristic that which is devoid
of inimical feelings, even an inert object like a pot gets qualified as a devotee since a pot is
devoid of any inimical feelings. But this is not true. Hence the additional qualifier, service
is essential.
Until now only the nature of bhakti has been established. Next we take up the two qualifiers
that Sri Rup Goswami has mentioned in the main verse to show the supremacy of bhakti.
They are anyabhilashita-shunyam (devoid of the tendency to have any other desire) and
jnanakarmadi-anavritam (not concealed by knowledge, action, etc.).
What should the nature of the service be? The reply here is being given as anyabhilashitashunyam, i.e. there should be no desire for any fruit apart from bhakti. Srimad Bhagavatam
declares in 11-3-31, bhaktya sanjataya bhaktya (bhakti is born from bhakti). Now we
analyze why Sri Rupa Goswami has used the word abhilashita (tendency to have desires)
here instead of abhilasha (desires). In the main verse, instead of using the term
anyabhilasha-shunyam (which means devoid of any other desire), the tachhilya suffix (a
suffix in Sanskrit grammar that is used to indicate a habit) has been used with the base word
anya-abhilasha (other desires) and as a result, the term that appears in the verse is anyaabhilashita-shunyam (devoid of the tendency of having any other desire). Hence the
devotee does not have the tendency of desiring anything else apart from engagement in the
service of Krishna. But, for instance, if a devotee, all of a sudden, is threatened with death,
he may immediately have the desire of praying, Lord! Save me! This short-lived desire
for praying for his life does not contradict the qualification for bhakti since this is a case of a
natural, short-lived and compelling deviation from his normal state. And the normal state is
devoid of desires apart from serving Krishna.
Once again, what should the nature of the service be? In reply, another qualifier is explained,
jnana-karma-adi-anavritam (not concealed by knowledge, action (karma), etc.). This
means that the service to Krishna, which is in accordance with His desire, must not be
masked by jnana or by karma. Here jnana refers to the quest for the knowledge of the
undifferentiated Brahman (the supreme consciousness devoid of any qualities, into which
some spiritualists aim to merge and lose their individual identities for ever). It does not refer
to the quest for knowledge of the object of devotion since it is certainly expected that the

30

devotee acquire knowledge of his object of devotion and the means of achieving pure
devotion.
karma here refers to the action recommended in the smriti scriptures that are meant for
producing materialistic results. It does not refer to the karma that a devotee needs to perform
for serving his object of devotion. In fact devotional service involves action for the pleasure
of the object of devotion.
The term adi (meaning etc.) in this part of the definition refers to yajnas, vairagya, yoga,
sankhya, etc. Thus the practice of vairagya, yajnas, sankhya, etc. should not mask
(anavritam) the act of service to Krishna. Not masking or not covering or not concealing the
act of service is what is meant by anavritam in this part of the definition. In the previous
part of the definition it was stated that the act of bhakti should be devoid (shunyam) of
anyabhilashitam. But in this part it is said that the act of bhakti need not be devoid of
vairagya, etc., but this vairagya, etc. must not conceal or cover bhakti. Only those acts of
vairagya, etc. that inhibit the growth of bhakti have been annulled here. This means that the
performance of the nitya naimittika karma (daily purificatory acts) recommended in the
scriptures with the fear that their non-performance would lead to diminution of bhakti is an
instance when karma conceals bhakti. Similarly, performance of these daily acts thinking
that their performance would lead to strengthening of ones bhakti is also an instance when
bhakti gets concealed by karma. If an individual devotee performs certain acts like offering
oblations to the forefathers as a part of his duty in the material world without the belief that
such acts are a part of his bhakti, he does not get discounted from being a devotee. This
means that he will still be called a pure devotee.
In the verse anyabhilashita the meaning of Krishnanushilanam has been described as
service to Krishna. As a result, in all scriptures pertaining to God, if the term bhakti is
used without any adjunct, it means Krishna-bhakti.
Types of Uttama Bhakti:
Uttama bhakti as described above, is of three types.
Sa bhaktih sadhanam bhavah prema cheti tridhodita (Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu
1/2/1)
Uttama bhakti is of three types, sadhana-bhakti, bhava-bhakti and prema-bhakti.
Sadhana-bhakti:
Sri Rupa Goswami defines sadhana-bhakti as:
Kritisadhya bhavet sadhyabhava sa sadhanabhidha
Nityasiddhasya bhavasya prakatyam hrdi sadhyata
That uttama bhakti, which is performed by the activities of the physical body, etc. and by
which bhava-bhakti is achieved is called sadhana-bhakti. The appearance of nitya-siddha
bhava in the heart is the objective of sadhana bhakti. Nitya-siddha bhava is found in the

31

eternally liberated associates of Krishna. This bhava appears in the hearts of embodied
beings of the material world when they perform uttama bhakti.
Types of Sadhana-bhakti:
Sri Rupa Goswami has written,
Vaidhi raganuga cheti sa dvidha sadhanabhidha (Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu 1/2/5)
sadhana-bhakti is differentiated into two types, vaidhi and raganuga.
Which of these types of bhakti one practices depends on his pravritti (start-up) in bhakti.
To explain pravritti in bhakti, Sri Vishwanatha Chakravarti Thakur writes,
Bhaktau pravrittiratra syattacchikirsha sunischaya
Shastrallobhattacchikirshu syatam tadadhikarinau
(Sri Ragavartma chandrika 1-4)
Pravritti (start-up) in bhakti means to establish a firm decision of practicing bhakti. One
starts up in bhakti for two reasons scriptural regulations or spontaneous attraction.
Therefore there are two classes of people who perform sadhana bhakti. He further writes,
vaidhibhaktirbhavet shastram bhaktau chet syat pravartakam
raganuga syacchedbhaktau lobha eva pravartakah
(Sri Ragavartma chandrika 1-3)
If the reason for engagement in bhakti is scriptural rules and logic, it is called vaidhi bhakti.
If the reason for engagement in bhakti is lobha (spontaneous attraction), it is called
raganuga. Hence it is clear that the basis of differentiation of sadhana bhakti into vaidhi
and raganuga is the pravritti (start-up).
Ragatmika and raganuga bhakti:
Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu (1-2-260) states:
Virajantimabhivyaktam vrajavasijanadishu
Ragatmikamanusrita ya sa raganugocchyate
The bhakti that is clearly manifested by the eternal associates of Krishna in Vraja is called
ragatmika bhakti. The bhakti that follows in the footsteps of the ragatmika bhakti is called
raganuga bhakti.
The meaning of Ragatmika bhakti is further clarified thereafter,
Ishte swarasiki ragah paramavishtata bhavet
Tanmayi ya bhavet bhaktih satraragatmikodita
(Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu 1-2-262)

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The natural, intense attraction for ones worshipable object is called raga. The bhakti that
is suffused with this raga is called ragatmika bhakti.
Credentials for practicing Raganuga bhakti:
Ragatmikaikanishthha ye vrajavasijanadayah
Tesham bhavaptaye lubdho bhavedatradhikaravan
(Sri Bhaktirasmritasindhu 1-2-291)
He is qualified to practice this raganuga bhakti, who has a lobha (greed) for the bhava that
the eternal associates of Krishna (vrajavasis, who have ragatmika bhakti) have.
Lobha:
Regarding lobha, Sri Rupa Goswami writes:
Tattadbhavadimadhurye shrute dhiryadapekshate
Natra shastram na yuktincha tallobhotpattilakshanam
(Sri Bhakti-rasmrita-sindhu 1-2-292)
After hearing the descriptions of the sweetness of the bhava of the eternal associates of
Krishna in Vraja from scriptures like Bhagavatam, when the intellect does not look for any
scriptural declarations or logic, it indicates the appearance of lobha in raganuga bhakti.
Sri Vishvanatha Chakravarti Thakur writes about this lobha in Sri Raga-vartma-chandrika
(1/5) as:
vrajalila parikarastha shringaradibhavamadhurye shrute dhiridam mama bhuyat iti
lobhotpattikale shastrayuktyapeksha na syat, satyancha tasyam lobhattvasyaivasiddheh.
Na hi kenachit shastradrishtya lobhah kriyate napi lobhaniya vastu praptau swasya
yogyayogyatva vicharah kopyudbhavati. Kintu lobhaniya vastuni shrute drishte va swata
eva lobha utpadyate
When, on hearing the sweetness of the bhavas (like shringar, etc.) of Sri Krishnas
associates in the Vraja lila, lobha such as may such feelings appear in me appears in the
individual, he does not expect confirmation from scriptural logic. If dependence on scriptural
logic remains, it cannot be said that lobha has appeared. Lobha never arises in anyone on the
basis of scriptural logic. Neither qualifications nor lack of qualifications are considered for
achieving the object of lobha. Rather lobha arises only by hearing about the object of lobha
or by seeing it.
To explain the importance of lobha, Sri Rup Goswami has quoted the following verse of Sri
Raya Ramananda in his Sri Padyavali:
Krishnabhakti rasabhavita matih kriyatam yadi kutopi labhyate
Tatra laulyamapi mulyamekalam janamakoti-sukritairna labhyate
(Sri Padyavali 14)

33

If a mind suffused with the rasa of Krishna-bhakti is available somewhere, buy it. The cost
is only lobha. It cannot be obtained with the virtuous activities (sukritis) of even crores of
lifetimes.
Regarding the appearance of lobha for the mind suffused with the rasa of Krishna-bhakti, Sri
Rupa Goswami writes,
Srikrsna tat-bhakta-karunya-matra-labhaika-hetuka (Sri bhaktirasamrtasindhu (1-2-309)
Raganuga bhakti is obtained only by the mercy of Krishna or His devotee. This means that
by the mercy of Krsna and His devotees one gets the opportunity to hear about the sweetness
of the bhava of Krishnas associates in Vraja, and as a result of hearing it, lobha develops.
The bhakti practiced on the basis of this lobha is Raganuga bhakti and through this raganuga
bhakti one reaches Vraja or Vraja-Krishna or Vraja-bhakti.
After becoming inquisitive to learn about the means to achieve bhava, scriptures and logic is
required.
Having understood that scriptures and logic are not required in developing an attraction for
raganuga bhakti, the question that may come up next is, are they required for obtaining Vrajabhava? The answer is that scriptures and logical reasoning are required for understanding the
means to acquire bhava. According to Sri Vishvanatha Cakravarti Thakur, Bhava will be
obtained only by following the instructions of the scriptures and by logical reasoning done in
accordance with the scriptures. Bhava will not be obtained by following ones own will. For
example when one develops the desire for milk upon hearing about milk, one comes to the
question, Where will I get milk from? If he seeks the answer to this question, he will come
into contact with a person who keeps cows for the purpose of getting milk. He gets
knowledge about purchasing a cow, acquiring fodder, method of milking, etc. from the
instructions of that person. This knowledge does not come about on it own.
Raganuga bhakti is also a process based on the scriptures, just like vaidhi bhakti is. Those
who consider raganuga bhakti to be always totally independent of scriptural regulations
actually have continuously experienced, are experiencing and will experience disturbance.
Hence, after the appearance of lobha, one must, under the guidance of a raganuga devotee,
practice raganuga bhakti with the help of scriptural regulations and reasoning.

Types of Raganuga and Ragatmika Bhakti

Ragatmika bhakti is of two types:
1) Kama-rupa
2) Sambandha-rupa
Just like Ragatmika bhakti, Raganuga bhakti is also of two types:
1) Kamanuga
2) Sambandhanuga
Further, kamanuga bhakti is of two types:

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1) Sambhogecchamayi
2) Tat-tat-bhavecchatmika
(Note: The difference between ragatmika and raganuga bhakti has been analysed in detail in
Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu. This topic is not being explained here for brevity. Interested
readers may kindly read Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu.)
Tat-tat-bhavecchatmika is actually the chief kamanuga bhakti.
The Structure of Raganuga Bhakti (System, Process):
When a person develops the lobha for the bhava of the associates of Krishna in Vraja, then he
happily engages himself in understanding the process of achieving bhava as described in the
scriptures. Here scriptures means Srimad Bhagavat Purana. At the same time one has to
study the scriptures like Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu that are based on Srimad bhagavatam.
In Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu details of Raganuga bhakti (components, sequence,
arrangements, method) are mentioned as:
krishnam smaran janam chasya preshtham nijasamihitam
tat-tat katha-ratashchasau kuryat vasam vraje sada
seva sadhaka rupena siddha rupena chatra hi
tat-bhava-lipsuna karya vrajalokanusaratah
shravanotkirtanadini vaidhabhaktyuditani tu
yanyangani cha tanyatra vijneyani manishibhih
(Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu 1-2-295 to 297)
One must reside in Vraja by remembering Krishna and His associates and by being engaged
in conversations about them. Those who are desirous of Vraja-bhava must serve like the
eternal associates of Krishna in Vraja while in the sadhakas body or while in the siddha
body. Of the types of practice of bhakti like shravan, kirtan, etc. mentioned under Vaidhi
Bhakti, the wise one accepts those types that are in accordance with his bhava.
(Note: Sri Vishvanatha Chakravarti Thakur gives a detailed explanation of these three verses
in his book, Sri Ragavartma-candrika. Interested readers may kindly refer to the same.)
Establishing the activities (like taking shelter at the feet of the guru) of Vaidhi bhakti as the
activities of Raganuga bhakti for Raganuga bhaktas:
The question arises - what is the position of those activities described under Vaidhi bhakti
like Diksha, Shravan, Kirtan, etc. that a Raganuga bhakta practices in Raganuga bhakti? Will
practice of those activities be called Vaidhi or Raganuga?
The answer to this question is given in the shravanotkirtanadnii verse in Sri Bhaktirasamrita-sindhu (1-2-296). This sloka is in connection with describing the system of
Raganuga bhakti (arrangements, parts, rules). This and the two verses quoted earlier starting
with Krishna smaran (i.e. three verses in all) are written in connection with describing

35

the practice of Raganuga bhakti. Therefore for a Raganuga bhakta, activities like taking
shelter of the guru, Shravan, Kirtan, etc. will be called the practice of Raganuga bhakti.
While describing the shravanotkirtanadi verse in Sri Raga-vartma-chandrika, Sri
Vishvanatha Chakravarti Thakur says,
gurupadashrayanadini tvakshepalabdhani. Tani vina vrajalokanugatyadikam kimapi na
siddhyeti
Activities like taking shelter of the feet of the guru, etc. are akshepa labdha (to be
adopted). Without them it is impossible to develop anything like the mood, etc. of the
residents of Vraja.
What is meant here is that activities like taking shelter of the guru, shravan, kirtan, etc. are
absolutely essential for following in the footsteps of the residents of Vraja. How will it be
possible to follow in the footsteps of the residents of Vraja without taking shelter of the guru
and performing the other activities? Hence the activities like taking shelter of the feet of the
guru, etc. as mentioned under Vaidhi bhakti are akshepa labdha (adopted) for Raganuga
bhakti. The meaning of akshepa here is to pull out or to draw out and adopt it in Raganuga
bhakti. Hence they are to be accepted as parts of Raganuga bhakti as well.
The principle of akshepa or pulling out a group of words or ideas from the previous
statement is seen in many places in the scriptures. This principle is utilized in cases where
the author needs to keep his work short or for ease of learning or for making the write-up
appear simple, etc. For instance, this principle is used in the works of Grammar where it is
known as akshepa or anuvritti or adhyahar. Let us understand it with the help of the
following example in grammar.
Consider the following two rules of grammar:
1) the letter i or ii will become ya if it is followed by a Sarveshwar (vowel).
2) the letter u or uu will become va if it is followed by a Sarveshwar (vowel).
Sri Jiva Goswami explains the above two rules with the help of two small aphorisms in his
work on grammar, Sri Harinamarita Vyakarana. They are:
1) idvayameva yah sarveshware (Sri HNV 1-59)
2) udvayam vah (Sri HNV 1-60)
Of these, the meaning of idvayameva yah sarveshware clearly depicts the rule no. 1
mentioned above. But the second aphorism does not convey the meaning of the second rule
fully. To convey the full meaning, the words yah sarveshware need to be added to this
aphorism. To solve this problem, a rule of grammar called, purvatonuvartate is applied.
According to this rule, one must understand that when a required portion is not mentioned in
a particular aphorism, it must be adopted from the previous aphorism where it is mentioned.
In both the rules mentioned in the above example, followed by a Sarveshwar (vowel)
occurs. Each of the rules is independent. Each has an existence of its own. But the author of
the aphorisms has mentioned sarveshware only in the first one. Now we apply the rule of
purvatonuvartate to obtain the word sarveshware in the second aphorism also. Now
both the aphorisms are clearly understood. This method is adopted for brevity, ease,

36

embellishment of language, etc. By doing so, the word sarveshware of the first aphorism
will not be counted as a part of the second aphorism. The word sarveshware will be
considered to be equally present in both the aphorisms even though not explicitly mentioned.
In this manner, activities like taking shelter of the guru, etc. are equally applicable to Vaidhi
bhakti as well as Raganuga bhakti. These activities will be considered to be a part of Vaidhi
bhakti for Vaidhi bhaktas and a part of Raganuga bhakti for Raganuga bhaktas.
Sri Vishvanatha Chakravarti has written in the commentary on shravanotkirtanadini verse,
Without the activities like taking shelter of the guru, etc. nothing is achieved. This
statement establishes the indispensability of these activities and their applicability to the
raganuga path.
The absolute importance of these activities in the Raganuga path is
demonstrated in the lives of the six Goswamis and the other acharyas who were followers of
the Raganuga path of bhakti.
In anuccheda 13 of Sri Raga-vartma-chandrika it is written, atha raganugaya
anganyanyani darshyante. In the commentary on this anuccheda, the activities like
taking shelter of the guru, etc. have been clearly explained to be a part of the Raganuga
process.
Raganuga is independently powerful:
Some people say that people who wish to traverse the path of Raganuga bhakti must initially
follow Vaidhi bhakti. Only after the stage of anarthanivritti (i.e. removal of all sinful
propensities) should one go for Raganuga path of bhakti. This opinion is wrong. Such ideas
come up due to lack of understanding of the concepts of Vaidhi and Raganuga. They come
up because Activities like taking shelter of the guru, etc. are steps for advancement in
Raganuga bhakti also is not understood. Another reason for coming up with this wrong
understanding is the lack of knowledge of the power of Raganuga bhakti. In reality
Raganuga bhakti is independently powerful. How come it will need the support of Vaidhi
bhakti? In the chapter on Lobha prakarana of Sri Raga-vartma-chandrika it is written,
napi lobhaniya vastu praptau swasya yogyayogyattva vicharah kopi udbhavati. This
means, A person does not analyse whether he is fit or unfit when he wants to get the object
for which he is yearning. In this sentence, the power of lobha is echoing.
Now as a conclusion it may be stated that Raganuga bhakti is supremely strong and
independent. A devotee following the Raganuga path practices Raganuga sadhana right from
the beginning. For him activities like taking shelter of the guru, shravan, kirtan, etc. are all
part of his raganuga sadhana. The chief basis of differentiating between Vaidhi and
Raganuga is the pravritti (start-up) and not the means of practice of the sadhana. The means
of practice of both is almost the same. When one starts up in bhakti and follows the steps on
the basis of scriptural injunctions and logical reasoning, he follows the Vaidhi path. When
one starts up in bhakti and follows the practices due to his lobha, he follows the raganuga
path.
Tat-tad-bhavecchatmika bhakti and scriptures pertaining to the pastimes of Krishna:
In the context of Raganuga bhakti it was stated that the service is performed by the sadhakas
body (i.e. the present physical body) and the siddha body (i.e. the spiritual body). The
devotee does the service with both his sadhaka body and siddha body in all bhavas. Sri

37

Mahaprabhu has specifically blessed the world with tat-tad-bhavecchatmika bhakti. His
associates have composed many scriptures that will help devotees perform sadhana in this
bhava. Srimad Bhagavatam, the chief scripture that promotes this bhava, says:

vikriditam vrajavadhubhiridam cha vishnoh

shraddhanvitonushrinuyat-athavarnayeda yah
bhaktim param bhagavati pratilabhya kamam
hridrogamashu-apahinoti-achirena dhirah
(Srimad Bhagavatam 10-33-40)
When the wise man who is endowed with shraddha hears in proper sequence or recounts
this pastime of Vishnu with the damsels of Vraja, having obtained supreme devotion to God,
he quickly and easily overcomes lust, which is like a disease of the heart.
[Translators note: In Sanskrit literature the word cha (literally meaning and) is used
quite freely in various compositions. Similarly the words hi or eva (both meaning
indeed) are used. Often these words are used as fillers only to take care of the metrical
restrictions in the poetic works, and are not translated. In case they were to be literally
translated every time they occur, the translations would be filled with unnecessary ands and
indeeds. Hence they are dropped in translations. In the above verse, the word cha
(meaning and) has been used after vrajavadhubhiridam and it appears that it is one of
those unnecessary ands. In fact if translated literally, a part of the above translation would
read, or recounts and this pastime of Vishnu which does not make literary sense in
English. However, Sri Vishvanatha Chakaravarti Thakur points out that this particular and
is not to be brushed away as one of those numerous ands appearing in the works of
mundane poetry. The significance of this and is now explained.]
Regarding the word cha (lit. and) in the above verse that occurs after
vrajavadhubhiridam, Sri Vishvanatha Chakravarti writes:
chakaradidrisham anyadapi anyakavivarnitam tabhih saha vikriditam. This and means
that the descriptions of the pastimes of Krishna and the Gopis that other poets will compose
in the future must be understood the way the pastimes of Krishna and the Gopis have been
described in the Srimad Bhagavatam. With this utterance of Sri Shukadeva in Srimad
Bhagavatam poets like Sri Bilvamangala Thakur, Sri Jayadeva, Sri Chandidas, Sri
Kavikarnapur, Sri Rupa Goswami, Sri Krishnadas Kaviraj Goswami, Sri Vishvanatha
Chakravarti Thakur etc. get considered. These poets have enchantingly described in details
the pastimes of Krishna and the Gopis.
Here one needs to note carefully that relishing the jatiya pastimes (lilasvadan) must be done
only by following an experienced guru. Those who try to imitate the pastimes independently,
by their own whims and fancies, obtain no result except creating disturbance. This is often
seen in todays society.

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So far sadhana bhakti has been described. Due to lack of time I am not describing here what
I learnt about the parts of sadhana bhakti, neither am I writing about Bhava bhakti or Prema
bhakti.
When I was studying from Maharaj ji, I had come across the concept of serving in ones
siddha swarup (spiritual identity) while studying Sri Chaitanya Charitamrita. I asked
Maharaj ji, Maharaj ji! What is signified in this verse?
Mane nij siddha deha kariya bhavan
Ratri dine kare vraje krishner sevan
Meditating on his own siddha-deha in his mind, he serves Krishna day and night in
Vraja."
Maharaj ji understood what I had in mind, and he said, Everything happens when the right
time comes.
At that time an incident took place that never gave me the courage to ask Maharaj ji anything
about the concept of siddha deha in Gaudiya Vaishnava philosophy for the next ten years.
And the siddha swarup is such a concept regarding which people form many mistaken
notions, act on them, become degraded and degrade others. People are applying this
subject in satisfying their lust, but it actually pertains to unattachment, service and
surrender.
The incident was that once a gentleman came to Maharaj ji. A discussion went on for a long
time. Then he said, Please give me manjari swarup (identity of a manjari). Maharajj ji
said, First understand the meaning of manjari. But the person was adamant and kept on
pressurizing Maharaj ji. Maharaj ji finally said, Get me a pair of scissors. I will turn him
into a manjari! That person left angrily. I understood what Maharaj ji meant when he asked
for the scissors.
I, too, had the desire of enquiring about manjari from Maharaj ji, but now I got scared. I
mentioned this incident to Satyanarayana Dasji. His reaction is given below.
Bhrigu! This is the problem with Maharaj ji. He is concerned only with serving his cows.
If the disciple suffers, it makes no difference to him. He has a siddha swarup but he does not
want to give it to his disciples. He wants to keep them bound and under control. Look at my
case. After initiation I could not remember some portions of the initiation-mantras. So I
went to ask him again. He said that he would tell me later. In reality Maharaj ji doesnt want
to tell it to me since he is afraid that I might start giving initiation. But it is true that Maharaj
ji is a realized soul. See how he serves with nishtha. It is for this reason that I keep serving
him in spite of hearing all this from him.
While on the one hand Maharaj ji is a great realized soul, on the other hand he is totally
impractical. See. This is what happens with realized souls. A few years ago somebody had
told him that whatever discourses of his I record I actually turn into cassettes and sell them to
others. I actually do it as a service. But Maharaj ji, without considering all this, sent
Padmanabha ji (may be it was Satyadas) to deliver the message, Go. Tell Satyanarayana not
to come any more for the classes. Padmanabha ji came here, delivered Maharaj jis message
and left. He did not even tell me what the whole matter was. In spite of this, my brother and
our family are ready to serve Maharaj ji even by selling our house off. When I went in the
evening with no books, he started giving the classes. Bhrigu! Then I understood that Maharaj

39

ji is totally impractical. Therefore when I take people to him I try to keep them protected
from him. Otherwise he will start talking irrelevant things with them and they will run away
from him. That is the reason why I am making Jiva Institute. You really cannot do anything
worthwhile living in Maharaj jis ashram!
I kept saying yes to whatever Prabhuji told me. My faith in Prabhuji increased. But the
questions concerning the elevated topics of Gaudiya Vaishnava philosophy started troubling
me from within and I started doing research in the scriptures independently to find the
answers. For me it was the aim of my life. How could I forget it? I was breaking from
within but I could not have the courage to ask the questions regarding the elevated topics to
Maharaj ji.
I have mentioned earlier that I was staying in the ashram of Bhaktanand and was going to
Maharaj jis ashram for studying. After about a year, once Bhaktanand ji went out of
Vrindavan to deliver a discourse. His chauffer had dropped him and had returned. On
returning he came to me accompanied by three young men and two young women. The
young men showed me the card of Bhaktanand ji and said that they were two couples
accompanied by a servant. They said that they had spoken to Bhaktanandji and wanted to
stay in the ashram. Being the caretaker of the ashram, I allowed them to stay in. There were
some other students also living in the ashram. Sometimes they would look at me and smile
amongst themselves but I could never understand why. I used to sit and think deeply on what
I would hear in the classes of Maharaj ji. On the third day I found that the police had
surrounded the ashram. The Superintendent of Panipat District Police entered the ashram
with some members of a family. Instead of coming to me, they went straight to the so-called
guests. When I went up to their room, I understood that it was a matter of runaway couples
in love who were having fun. They were residents of Panipat and had left their homes. I had
to meet the members of their families and the police. They had no basis of accusing me of
being an accomplice. The policemen explained to the family members that I was a simple
and straightforward saintly person and that had I been an unscrupulous person the said
couples would never have been able to live there. The family members asked for pardon and
left.
At that time a phone call came from the driver who stated that he had made a mistake and
requested me not to inform the police about him. When Bhaktanandji came to know about the
incident he fired the driver immediately.
I decided that I should not stay in such a type of ashram. If some serious crime occurred,
although innocent, I could get unnecessarily entangled in the case. I decided that I would
shift to Satyanarayana jis Jiva Institute whenever it gets built.
I went to Satyanarayana ji. He was busy in his room in the gurukula building of ISKCON.
He told me, Bhrigu! You need not go anywhere. Consider your room to be your ashram.
Dont worry about what is going on in the next room. You may come to my Institute after a
couple of months when it is ready.
I could not agree. I was quite shaken by the incident. With bag and baggage I went to my
brothers place in Delhi, from where I reached the village. People at home were very happy
because they wanted me to live at home but when I told them that I would be returning to
Vrindavan in a couple of months, they would feel dejected. Nevertheless they had the

40

instructions from my brother for not pressurizing me to do anything. Somehow I spent four
months at home and then, finally, returned to Vrindavan.
Satyanarayana jis Institute was not yet ready. I started living with a friend of mine. I
resumed going to Maharaj ji for his classes. Now discourses on Srimad Bhagavatam began.

FIRST STAY IN SRI-HARIDAS NIWAS

AND SUBSEQUENT DEPARTURE

One day Satyanarayana ji said, Bhrigu! A person is needed in Maharaj jis go-shala for
serving the cows. If you wish you may go there. I went to Maharaj jis ashram with a friend
of mine called Yadumani.
I was reminded of the story of Arunis devotion to the guru. Although shaky, I used to get
ready for go-seva by 2:45 in the morning for accompanying Maharaj ji for go-seva at 3
oclock. Maharaj ji was very pleased. He used to take full care of my meals, etc. On one of
those days two persons known to Saytanarayana ji came for initiation. Satyanarayana ji
asked Yadumani to get initiated along with me to keep the flag flying high. When Yadumani
informed me, I said, I require some more time before taking the decision. I want to first
understand the relationship between the guru and the disciple better and clear all the
uncertainties. I will take initiation only when I develop the attitude of complete submission.
I met Satyanarayana ji and clarified my position, and then continued serving in the go-shala
along with Maharaj ji.
It was not even a week after my arrival in the ashram that some of the residents of the ashram
started criticising Maharaj ji. Hiranmaya Das told me, Where have you landed up? Maharaj
ji will use you for getting his work done. And then he will throw you out. Padmanabhaa
Das enquired about my educational background. He came to know about my securing the
seventh place in the merit list of the state of Uttar Pradesh. Taking advantage of this
information, he tried to compel me to return home. Even this time when I returned to
Maharaj jis ashram, Padmanabha had tried hard to keep me away. I am describing in
brackets how he tried to do so.
[Padmanabha would keep saying, Bhrigu! You have been a meritorious student. Go for
graduation. You will get selected if you appear in the PCS (Provincial Civil Services) exam.
When I said that a PCS officer has no value compared to the rare knowledge that
Mahaprabhu gave us, he said that one could perform spiritual practices even while at home
and working as an officer. I replied by asking, why he had given up his studies after a certain
level and was staying in the ashram. In reply he would say that he had got carried away and
on the advice of Maharaj ji had given up home. Then he would lament that now he had no
other place to go to.
When I came back to the ashram this time, there was no change in the attitude of
Padmanabha ji. After finishing my B.A. and M.A. in first division (securing 70% marks), he
started saying, Why are you doing Ph.D. under Dr. Sarala Sharma of IOP? Why dont you
do Ph.D. from a good university? Then you can appear for the NET exam, get selected and
become a lecturer in a college. You can then easily earn Rs. 30,000 every month. And get
married. Or else you will regret the way I am regretting now. I retorted, I will live in

41

Vrindavan. Given the opportunity, I want to serve Maharaj ji and finally reach God. I am
not worried about my bread. I dont mind filling only half my belly with food and somehow
managing to live. But I will follow in the footsteps of Mahaprabhus teachings.
About four months ago he tried to play another trick with me. He said, Bhrigu! You are
about 30 or 32 years old. Lust does not trouble until the age of 40. It intensifies at around 45
years of age. At around 55 years of age, the person is in a real pathetic condition. Listen to
my advice, do your Ph.D., get a good job and enjoy marital bliss. There is no point inbeing a
sadhu. These days, food is contaminated.
I asked him, Padmanabha ji! Since so many years why are you so worried about my
welfare? As far as lust is concerned, I am certainly not a paramahamsa, but overall I am fine.
I am not worried about the future. I will live in Vrindavan. There is no need to worry about
lust starting to trouble me even at the age of 75. I will tackle the problem when it arrives.
Look at my skinny and diseased body carefully. Is it fit to sustain sexual life? Do you
deliberately want to push me to an early death? Please keep your advice with yourself!]
Dear readers, this is a small sample of the nature of Padmanabha ji. He lives in the ashrama
of Maharaj ji but he keeps cutting the roots. He criticizes Hare Krishna Das Baba saying that
he does not make arrangements for food. Imagine! I wonder whether he deserves food or
punishment! Maybe he is getting punished! He feels fed up with his own life. Offense
against a pure devotee leads to this. Perhaps he is destined for more punishments! May God
protect us from such people!
Let us come back to the main story. I started developing doubts upon hearing Hiranmaya and
Padmanabha Das. Then I started investigating the nature of Satyanarayana Das. I had been
observing that he had a very close relationship with Lalita, which Satyanarayana ji claimed to
be a simple acquaintance. I developed doubts in my mind. I felt that due to wrong
association that Maharaj ji as an ordinary, mundane human being. Taking advantage of the
opportunity, Satyadas came and started adding fuel to my doubts. When I revealed to him the
doubt that I had in my mind, he fabricated stories and converted my doubts to beliefs.
I was angry with Satyanarayana Das. I thought, On one hand he says that ISKCON is a
wrong movement, and on the other hand he is having an illicit relationship with Lalita. This
is corruption! With this kind of tainted character, he does not have any right to preach
spiritualism. I have no idea in the future how many other simple-hearted individuals like me
will be misled by him. His activities should be restricted. But before that I must leave this
ashram and go away, or else people might harm me. I collected bag and baggage and went
back to ISKCON. There I told Manjunath and Sunil Biswas about my situation.
Being outspoken in nature I took Sunil and Manjunath with me to tell Satyanarayana ji to his
face about his activities. After talking to him for about five minutes I came to know that I
had become a victim of bad company. Satyanarayana ji said, I was afraid that you would
fall prey to bad company. And thats what happened. Dont worry. Be careful from now
on. I was doomed! I misbehaved against the very guruji who taught me about the supreme
knowledge!
When Maharaj ji came to know that Bhrigu had left the ashram not because of domestic
issues but due to the ill influence of certain crooked ashram inmates; he became furious. He
was a simple young boy who used to listen to me and these wicked people caused him such

42

misery! Maharaj ji immediately ordered the four persons present there to leave the ashram.
Padmanabha did not happen to be in his room, at that time.
I used to regularly get information about the ashram and I wished to return to Maharaj ji but I
was hesitant to face him. I felt ashamed. Satyanarayana ji understood my situation. He said,
You ought to go to Maharaj ji. You are yet to know about Maharajjis kindness!
I accompanied Satyanarayana ji to Kalidaha in the afternoon. There, Hare Krishna Baba
smiled at me and asked, Bhrigu! What happened? I lowered my head. After working in
the garden for some time I went and sat in front of Maharaj ji in the temple. It was a pleasant
conversation. I started experiencing many superior qualities of Maharajji like empathy
towards the helpless, surrender, affection, commitment to the principles of the scriptures,
dutifulness, etc. Four persons had been sent away from the ashram because of me. As a
result, aged Maharaj ji himself had to take up additional activities- that the said four persons
used to perform. Yet Maharaj ji, being compassionate, tried to persuade me to proceed on the
path of pure bhakti. We returned after some time.

RETURNING AND LEAVING AGAIN

Having returned from Maharajji's place, I first started to live in Jiva Institute, then in Guruji's
ashram as well as in Tikari Bagici situated in Barah Ghat. In 2002 I also had to stay at the
new goshala. In a total span of seven years I had to live in the four above-mentioned places,
changing between them as my service required.
While living at Jiva I used to go in the evening to listen to Sri Guruji's lectures at his ashram.
On the third day I learnt that after midnight Maharajji himself had to drive the millstone to
produce flour. I felt miserable. I realized that it was my stupidity that had brought about the
bad situation that's why I suggested that the work of driving the millstone be given to me.
This was joyfully accepted.
This time Maharajji started to manifest even more priti than before. In order to drive the
millstone I would leave Jiva at four in the morning and when Maharajji would return from the
goshala at 5am he himself would make a plate of fruits and sweets, together with a big glass
of milk. Then he would put a mat on the floor for me to sit on and ask me to take my
prasadam, which I would happily do. I experienced several times that Maharajji was
observing me with great priti as I was happily taking my prasadam. Similar arrangements
were made throughout the day.
In this way seven years went by during which I had a direct contact with the ashram. Then,
because of my misconduct I had to stay away from the ashram for the next four years. By the
grace of Maharajji when I returned to his feet again this time, he has demonstrated even more
kindness than ever before and has arranged everything necessary for my stay in the ashram.
Also, he gave me full freedom to unhesitatingly obtain all that is necessary for the safe
keeping of my health. He himself bore the necessary expenses. Presently, every second or
third day he enquires about my situation. I have no doubts that he takes greater care than a
mother does.
I will never forget those days when I unexpectedly got ill and Maharajji himself smeared my
body with ointment to relieve the pain. Then on 1st July 2007, when a finger of my right hand

43

got cut, a doctor put a bandage on it. On the next day, Maharajji got a new gamcha, put it
around my neck as a sling and put my hand in it, so that the blood would not flow towards the
wound and consequently I would not feel any pain. This time I am realizing that Hare
Krishna Babaji is also true follower in Maharajjis footsteps. He himself made a meal for me
in the morning as well as in the evening and fed me before he could have his own meal. My
finger wasn't cut that badly as I couldn't clean my plate! Presently, a bandage is there on my
finger, yet I am able to write comfortably. Respected readers, for Vaishnavas, this kind of
behaviour is indeed natural. Recently, five days ago, Maharajji gave me a book Srimadbhagavatiya uttama-bhakti nirupanan to study. Kindly go through its introduction
triptavanyajanasya triptimayita duhkhe mahaduhkhitah
labdhei sweeyaliduhkhanishchayairnaaharshbodhodayah
(Sri Govinda Lilamrta 13/113)
The way a Vaishnava is always satisfied with others satisfaction, distressed with others
grief, unconcerned as regards his own happiness or distress, always motivated for the service
of the Ishta; similar is the nature of these respectful elders of mine.
Respected readers, now you can well observe that Maharajji doesn't allow himself to be
served, rather, he serves his own disciples! My understanding used to be that a guru makes
his disciples go through dreadful trials but in the case of Maharajji it is quite different. I had
been trying to solve this problem of mine for the last ten years but, a month ago, after
returning to Maharajji's ashram, this problem got solved in a shastric style. I will mention this
later at an appropriate place.
Such a behavior of Maharajji is not solely for me. He never discriminates. You must have
yourself experienced how discreetly and lovingly Maharajji offered you objects, ideas, etc.
Maharajji has done a lot for Satyanarayan ji. When the Jiva building was being built, he
himself would send in a lot of material to him because he considered Satyanarayanadasji to
be his own. It's another story that today Satyanarayan Das ji, due to his corrupt mind, finds
Maharajji to be his greatest enemy and is trying his best to ruin Maharajji's goshala and
Mahaprabhu's teachings. As you read on, you will understand clearly about this, and if doubts
still persist I will always be ready to discuss it directly with you. You must be wondering how
can something like this be possible in case of Satyanarayan Das? Yes, it is possible. The
explanation can be found in the scriptures - just read the life story of Dvivid monkey.
Maharajji did a lot for Satyanarayan ji's Jiva Institute. Also, the credit for the acquisition and
protection of Tikari Bagici, which is under Satyanarayan Das's name - fully goes to
Maharajji. Earlier, the owner of the Tikari Bagici was Baba Krishna Gopal Dasji. He
protected and fought for this land all his life. He was a Vaishnava in Sri Pandit Gadadhar
parivar and was very much influenced by Maharajji's knowledge, devotion, go-seva, sadacar,
etc. Following Maharajji, he gave the land to Satyanarayan Das ji, considering him his
powerful disciple. In his will he made it clear that Satyanarayan cannot give this land to
anybody else. Instead, it should be used directly for advancement of Gaudiya sampradaya,
cow service, construction of temples and providing Gaudiya education.
When some local Mafiosi wanted to capture the mentioned Tikari Bagici, the responsibility
for its protection was given to me. Without getting into the details, you can ask Satyanarayan
Das ji himself, how risking my life, I had protected this land for years and fully strengthened

44

Satyanarayan Das ji's position. Maharajji bore all the monetary expenses for security
guards, cultivation of land, etc. I personally at times took money from Maharajji for the said
purpose. Whatever expenses I incurred I have saved them in the Journal book and bills and
can show to anybody who might be interested. Now you might want to know that why
Maharajji spent so much. The answer is for the cows! I remember, once when Maharajji
was engaging more people for the protection of the land and for myself, while giving the
money, he said, Bhriguji, remember this. The money that I am giving to you has been
deducted from the funds for the fodder for the cows. This land must definitely be protected
so that eventually the cows are also protected.
Maharajji protects that land even today. Some time after I returned to the ashram, around 20th
of June this year (2007), some anti social elements started creating disturbance and Maharajji
gave me the order to protect it. Following his order, I set up two gunmen. People from Jiva
also set up two gunmen, on their own accord. The situation became difficult and confusing.
I wrote an e-mail to Satyanarayan ji, who was abroad at that time, to notify him about this but
I didn't get a reply. I phoned Rishi Pal in Faridabad but no action. When two days ago
Satyanarayan ji phoned for something else, I informed him about the 4 gunmen and the
unpleasant situation. He told me he would provide solution in the evening but up till now
there has been no answer. Maharajji and I were indecisive. You can see here people's real
nature. Fortunately, both the gunmen, who had been appointed by the Jiva people, left on
their own.
To keep you informed, let me tell you that in the beginning Rishi Pal and his family didn't
like Tikari Bagici much. They thought that Satyanarayan ji would just waste money in a
useless court case. But as Maharajji supported the whole situation, around 5 or 6 years ago
Satyanarayan ji's younger brother Dr. Partap Chauhanji went to Maharajji and said,
Maharajji, if you order so in the future I will build here a big Ayurvedic Center because
there are many foreigners coming to Vrindavana. Maharajji, yielding to coercion, said,
OK, do it. After that at night Maharajji told me about this and said, Remember, all the
expenses for the Tikari Bagici were meant for fodder for the cows. Now these expansionists,
who talk sweet things, want to embezzle the land meant for the cows and for the deities.
There are other pieces of land that they can buy for an Ayurvedic Center. Bhriguji! For the
sake of the cows and the feelings of Baba Krishna Gopal Dasji, never let any injustice
happen.
Let us go back and continue the story of the earlier days. Maharajji is compassionate for all
the disciples and living beings. He is a mahabhagavata. Let us all recite the following sloka
from Srimad Bhagwatam that describes this very guna.
sarvabhuteshu yah pashyeta bhagavadbhavamatmanah
bhutani bhagavatyatmanyesha bhagavatottamah
SB quotation 11/2/46
The individual who sees the Lord existing in all the living creatures and who sees the
presence of all the living creatures in the Paramatma form of the Lord is the best of all Lords
devotees.
In the course of studying, once I had asked, Maharajji! I am now the follower of the path of
bhakti. My parents don't know anything about it. What kind of behavior should I have with
them?

45

Looking at me seriously, Maharajji replied, See. Today you are able to sit in front of me
and ask questions. This is possible only because of your parents, as they are the ones who
made you eligible to do so by giving you education. And now you are asking how you
should behave with them?! Have you ever seen with your eyes Brahma, Vishnu or Krishna?
You have never seen Them but have only heard about Them in the scriptures. God, in a form
visible to you, are your parents. Always respect them! The day you will be removed from
this ashram due to your mistakes, they are the ones who will be with you. Even out of selfinterest do keep in touch with your parents. For survival, money is required. Parents and
siblings will help you on their own, but to get help from other people you will have to make a
show of several things. Look at my temple my family members built it with a lot of
devotion. Parents are a form of God. When you confer them respect, the Lord is also
pleased.
As I pondered over what I heard from Maharajji, a doubt arose. From guruji one obtains the
highest form of learning, which is not possible from the parents residing in the village. So
how do I pay my respect to my parents? I put forth my doubt to Maharajji, who gave me this
solution. He said, One receives the human form of life for the highest education. uttama
bhakti for the Lord is the highest education. Listen.
yatha tarormulanishechanena tripyanti tatskandhabhujopashakha
pranapaharaccha yathendriyanam tathaiva sarvarhanam achyutejya
SB 4/31/12
Just as, when one waters the root of a tree, the stem, branches, leaves et al get watered and
nourished, just as all sense organs die when the prana (life force) leaves the body, similarly
by doing upasana of Bhagavan Sri Krishna all the other devatas (demigods) get
automatically worshipped. One need not worship them separately.
Maharajji continued, When one has Krishna-bhakti all the other required activities get taken
care of. The root of Bhagawad-bhakti is in the form of surrendering to ones Guru. By
surrendering to him, one serves Krishnaji and consequently he will have respect for Krishna's
entire creation. So how can the parents be left out? Yes, one will have a spontaneous
attachment for the guruji but they will continue serving the parents with a sense of duty. The
Guru is bhagawat svarup and Bhagawan's dear one.
Another thing, which deserves attention, is that some exclusive individuals are always
required for the maintenance of the tradition of Spiritual knowledge and education. These
people whilst residing in holy places, with great dedication and renunciation, work for the
sake of proper arrangement of teachings. This way I understood Maharajjis explanation.
Now let me describe the internal problem, which troubled me for the last ten years so much
that it is difficult to put in words. You all must be remembering that I had developed a
misconception about Maharajji that although he is firm in shastra, realized and parama
bhagavata (a devotee of a very high order), he is hard-hearted. He doesn't care about the
internal progress of his disciples. By the influence of bad company, I came to believe that his
encouragement to study shastra and his help are pretentiously shown only in order to engage
his disciples in goseva, in which he is primarily interested. Still, personally I didn't have such
experience. My root problem was that being overcome by fear I wasn't able to discuss with
him the topic of manjari bhava.

46

Maharajji gave me many instructions which seemed to appear contradictory and regarding
which I was confused: obey your guru, study shastras, do cow-service, unite people, attain
realization of God in this human life, protect Indian culture, live in harmony, learn medical
treatment, attain school education, work for the benefit of the society, follow the path set by
Rupa Goswami and Sanatana Goswami, attain Vraja bhakti etc. I could not achieve a corelation amongst them. What was most significant was that I was afraid to talk about the
unnatojval rasa, relishing which was the goal of my life! And it was something that
Maharajji used to internally relish. But since there was no discussion on this topic, I was
stuck on this very crucial point. I came to a serious understanding that if I directly followed
and obeyed Maharajji, I may never attain this ultimate goal of mine.
. I would prefer calling this state of the mind as Vyudha vikalpa, a term given by Sri
Viswanatha Chakravarti Thakur. The meaning of this term is without proper sequence.
In the following text I will use the term internal problem to describe the above-mentioned
problem of not being able to harmonize everything. (*Translators note: the author uses Srila
Visvanatha Cakravarti Thakur's special words 'vyudha vikalpa ki samasya [problem of
improper sequencing of ideas] but for the ease of reading we use only the expression internal
problem.) It was constantly spoiling all my endeavors. Having started some work I would
realize there was another to be done, so I would get frustrated and do the first work
lackadaisically, even if to people it would seem to have been completed properly.
However, I never had any doubts about the fact that bhakti is the most desirable thing to be
attained. I arrived at this conclusion after hearing the discourses from Maharajji and his
commentary on uttama bhakti. By his mercy I got enough nistha to realize that the goal of
human life is bhakti. Even in adverse conditions, I kept my faith in bhakti as explained in the
scriptures, favourable attitude to guruji's Bhagavan and things related to Bhagavan and the
sweetness of direct relationship between me and my guruji.
Time went slowly by. As I was inflicted by my internal problem, I was not yet ready for
diksha. My understanding was, and still is, that after diksha the disciple must be devoid of
any doubts and do seva. As it is said in Srimad Bhagavatam:
tatra bhagavatan dharman shikshet gurvatmadaivatah
amayayanuvrtya yaistushyedatmaprado harih
SB 11/3/22
Therefore, one must, by serving without any duplicity, learn the principles of Bhagavat
dharma from the guru who is an embodiment of God. By doing so Lord Hari, who gives
Himself away to the devotees, is pleased.
acharyam mam vijaniyannavamanyeta karhichit
na martyabuddhyasuyeta sarvadevamayo guruh
SB 11/17/27
Look upon the Guru as My image, and never regard him as an ordinary mortal and likewise
never disobey him, or ever find any faults in him; in Sri Guru all the divine forms reside.

47

My hearts desire was in a way correct, even if I dont get unnatojjvala rasa in this life, at
least I will make some progress on this path. When I started to research the relevant
scriptures, I gained the knowledge of the following facts:
sa cha bhagavat-kripa hetukonuragi bhakta-kripa-hetukashcheti dvividhah. Tatra bhaktakripa-hetuko dvividhah praktana adhunikashcha. Praktanah paurva bhavika tadrisha bhakta
kripotthah; adhunikah etat-janmavadhi tadrisha bhakta-kripotthah.
Adye sati
lobhanantaram tadrisha-gurucharanashrayanam. Dvitiye gurucharanashrayanantaram lobha
pravrittirbhavati. Yaduktam
krishna tadbhakta karunyamatra-labhaikahetuka
pushtimargataya kaishchidiyam raganugochyate
(Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu)
Sri Raga-vartma-chandrika anuccheda 6
The lobha for Vrajabhava appears in a person due to two reasons: by the grace of Bhagavan
Himself or by the mercy of His anuragi disciple. Even in this, the grace of the Lord appears
in two forms Ancient and Modern. Ancient is that where a person receives the lobha from
an anuragi devotee in previous births. Modern is the one, which is received in the present
life. In the Ancient one, one surrenders at the Gurus feet after appearance of lobha. In the
Modern one, lobha manifests after surrendering to ones Gurus feetjust the way described
in Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhuOnly through Sri Krishnas and the compassion of His
devotee alone can one attain lobha for Vrajabhava and progress towards Raganuga Bhakti.
Some people call the Raganuga path as pushti path.
After pondering over the above verses I came to the understanding that here Sri Vishvanatha
Chakravarti is talking about taking shelter of the guru prior to the appearance of lobha.
That's why my mind got a bit ready, feeling faith inside. Yet, I felt agonized within because
of the internal problem arising out of my inability to synchronize various instructions. Yet,
because of a small ray of hope I started to think that diksha should be taken.
During this period I saw in a dream that Maharajji gave me diksha and at that time gave me
two small deities. Partly hiding himself, a person from a different community was observing
this scene. And I was half-heartedly accepting everything and was riddled with doubts.
This time, when I returned to Maharajji and took shelter at his feet, the significance of the
dream became clear once I heard his instructions. I will mention this later at an appropriate
place.
On the occasion of Basant Pancami, Sri Maharajji inducted me into Vaishnava dharma by
giving me diksha. But because I had actually forced myself to be ready for diksha, eventually
I could not follow the dharma of a disciple. Whatever I did appeared to be bhakti but was not
uttama bhakti in reality. No doubt, Maharajji would say, Bhriguji, just doing work isn't
bhakti! In this way Maharajji inspired me to think again and again. Yet out of fear I didn't
talk to Maharajji about my internal problem, and thus it became my nature to hide things and
keep them inside. I didn't talk about my problem to others either, fearing that by chance if it
got revealed, Maharajji would get annoyed. This hiding propensity got aggravated and
eventually influenced my whole being. Due to bad association, I started considering that

48

Maharajji was impractical and that we can work better than him. Therefore one should work
in the best possible way, that was favorable to him and no harm was done.
Trying to justify this, I consoled myself through Srila Visvanatha Cakravarti Thakur's
commentary on the definition of uttama bhakti as shown in Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu. There,
while explaining the sentence tasmai rochmanah pravrittih the example of Yashoda, little
Krishna and boiling milk occurs. Following this I came to an understanding that whether
Maharajji gets angry or not, I will work in the manner which will be favourable to him and
which will be beneficial for the ashram in the future. Eventually, the good results will surely
please him. As it goes, as is ones thinking so are his actions. Towards the end of 2001 my
situation became such that I started giving Maharajji orders, such as 'Do like this', 'This work
is not done correctly', 'Finish that work', Remove this person' etc.
In the year 2000, Maharajji told me repeatedly to enroll for studying BA. He even gave me
money for it. Only because of his endeavour could I pass the BA and MA exams, first class.
Presently as a research scholar, Im doing my PhD on the book, Madhurya Kadambini
written by the great Acarya of the Gaudiya Sampradaya - Srila Visvanatha Cakravarti
Thakur.
It must have been the year 1998. I went home, where there was a lot of discussion about my
sister's wedding. My brother said that for the wedding there was a scarcity of Rs.25000. We
had some land but couldn't sell it before the wedding. He suggested that I take a loan from
Maharajji and Satyanarayan Das ji, which could be reimbursed by selling off the land. He
said that if we sold the land before the wedding, the wedding might get stalled. I said I would
try. I asked for a loan of Rs10,000/- from Satyanarayan ji. Here I wont deny the fact that
Satyanarayan ji considers everything else secondary as far as money is considered. Here,
putting everything on hold and even risking my life, I was protecting him and his property
whereas he was uselessly spending lakhs of rupees paying bribes for different reasons. When
I asked for a loan of 10000 rupees from him, he immediately expressed anger. But then, he
did give me the money next day.
When I asked for Rs15,000 from Maharajji he joyfully gave them to me and said there was
no need to sell the land either before or after the wedding. He told me that being a Brahmana
if you wont keep any land, then how would you survive in the future. He said I should not
worry about returning the money. He asked me to go and happily get the wedding done. I
made a draft and sent it to the village. The wedding was done peacefully and no land was
sold. My brother keeps asking about returning the money but knowing his situation I have
myself forbidden him to do so. After my younger sister's wedding is over, I will certainly
arrange for the money to be returned to Satyanarayan ji.
Now two questions might have come to the readers' mind: why, in spite of all this, did I do
my work and risk my life for Satyanarayan Das ji? It was because at the beginning Maharajji
entrusted me with the protection of Tikari Bagici and he cared a lot (and still does) a lot about
Satyanarayan ji. Thats why I remained with him. Plus Satyanarayan ji used to project
himself as the best of all devotees! In the last week of May07 his true nature became
apparent; I could sense it in his behavior. Even if you all had been misled about him, all your
misconception will be cleared as you read on.
Previously I had mentioned that I had started taking independent decisions and had started
believing myself to be the greatest. Similar is the nature of Satyanarayan ji in whom this

49

propensity is very palpable. There was a lot of loss for the last ten years just because of this
very nature of his.
And yes, another thing I wish to clarify is that there is a big difference between his and my
hiding nature. The root cause of my hiding propensity has been explained earlier. Why does
Satyanarayan ji work independently and does not take any advice? And if at all he does, why
is it from people with lowly nature? The reason will be clear as we proceed. In the following
text, I will briefly describe how much harm he has caused in the last ten years owing to this
very nature of his. After that we will return to the main topic.
In Niti shastra (scriptures dealing with the codes of conduct) it is said
yasya nasti svayam prajna mitroktam na karoti yah
sa eva nidhanam yati yatha manthara-kaulikah
The person who doesnt have his own Pragya(wisdom) and also does not regard his
friends advice, will reach destruction in the same manner as Manthar Koulik*.
[*Translators note: Manthar Koulik is a character in a fable through which this code of
conduct is explained.]
1. When I returned to live in jiva institute,Sheetal Chaya, at that time Baba Krishna Gopal
Das (the original owner of Tikari Bagici) started living at Purani Kaliadaha at Maharajji's
place. Maharajji expressed a fear that if somebody came and exploited Babaji's old age by
making him sign a blank piece of paper then all the Tikari Bagici related things would
encounter many problems. That's why Maharajji sent him to Jiva Institute under
Satyanarayan's protection and asked Satyanarayan repeatedly that Baba Krishna Gopal be
never left alone; somebody ought to be there with him continuously. Thus the chances of any
intended evil act could be minimized.
Satyanarayan ji, however, a long time ago considered Maharajji to be impractical and lacking
the knowledge of how to deal with people. Considering him to be an ordinary mortal, he
didn't pay much heed to his instructions. One day Satyanaranji sent Baba Krishna Gopal ji
with Radhacaran to Krishnaganga ghat, Mathura. He didn't send anybody from the Jiva
Institute along with him. That time I was out of station. He asked Sugriva and others not to
tell either Maharajji or me that he had sent Baba alone with an outsider. They never informed
us about it. A few days later the news came that on that day Radhacaran Das had taken Baba
to Mathura court and made him write a will. The next day he got the power of attorney. You
can imagine how Maharajji would have felt on hearing this news.
I remember that Satyanarayan Das ji became fully depressed. He was giving up Tikari but
Maharajji explained that he should work with patience and the whole storm would abate.
Then it took years to have the will and the power of attorney revoked by the court. A lot of
money had to be spent for the court proceedings and for protecting the land.
2. Between Sheetal Chaya colony, where Jiva Institute is situated, and Sant colony there is a
boundary wall with a small room. At its bottom, Satyanarayan ji made a hole for water to
come to his side. On the advice of his servants who are ordinary materialists, he asked them
to fill it with a bit of cement. However, they plastered the whole hole. During the rainy
season, the whole colony got water logged. Satyanarayan Das ji didn't tell me that the hole
had got plastered; I learnt about it from Maharajji who had got to know about it somehow.

50

Had I known, I would have taken counter measures. After the rain, when I came to Jiva
Institute, I saw that the inhabitants of the colony had pulled the wall down and wanted to
build a public road there. To erect this building Satyanarayan Das ji had spent lakhs of
rupees. Where had the money come from? It had come from Maharajji's disciples who had
given those donations thinking that the money would be spent for dharma. But they were
wasted due to these foolish acts of Satyanarayan Das.
3. One day I came to Jiva in the evening and saw many people had gathered there. I was told
that the wall was being built again. First I thought they were joking but when I asked
Satyanarayan ji I learned that it was indeed true; the wall was planned to be built late at night
secretly after the people of the colony went to sleep. I tried to explain to him that he
shouldn't do so, as it would create a big controversy and that we could certainly win by going
the way of law. He said, I have already talked to the policemen. I said that it was election
time and no support from the police or anybody else could be expected but he wouldn't listen.
He himself told me that he had given someone 75,000 rupees for this work as bribe. They
started to build the wall at midnight. At one o'clock half of it was made. Then suddenly some
dogs in the colony started barking and some people woke up. There was uproar in the
colony. In minutes, the residents of the colony rushed out of their homes and demolished the
whole wall.
As I said, it was election time. The electoral candidate from that area was Mr Dilip Gautamji.
In order to win the favour of the people he came in front of the Jiva Institute and started to
create a commotion. He clashed with the police, got injured and was taken to the police
station. Now the police needed an eye-witness. They approached Satyanarayan Das ji but I
offered myself to do that. I told Satyanarayan ji that we needed him as our leader, and as
there was a possibility of his getting entangled in legal proceedings by being a witness, he
should keep away from it. I went to the police station and put on record testimony against Mr
Dilip Gautamji (F.I.R). I returned at 4am and went to sleep in my room.
When I got up in the morning I saw a lot of people had gathered in the Jiva Institute.
Satyanarayan Das told me, Bhrigu, take back the testimony against Dilip Gautam we need
to stay alive.
Respected readers, I got very angry upon this spineless and foolish behavior of Satyanarayan
Das's and said, You should have told me so at night, I wouldn't have testified against him.
He said, Bhrigu, I was under a lot of pressure so I was not in my senses.
Even today my case against Dilip Gautam is going on. Although innocent, I have got
unnecessarily entangled in this because of Satyanarayan ji's thoughtlessness. Later the court
gave its decision in Satyanarayan Das ji's favour and the broken wall was rebuilt.
4. Once the wall was done, Satyanarandasji suddenly started building a house next to it. I
deduced that it must have cost around 3 lakhs rupees. Again, he was acting without taking
anyone's advice. The house was almost built when suddenly policemen with administration
employees came, pulled the house down and went away. We just kept watching helplessly.
Later on when the main authority issued permission, the house was rebuilt. In order to obtain
this permission, Satyanarayan Das spent lakhs of rupees.
5. A South African person named Ramji lived in Satyanarayan Das ji's Institute. Earlier he
used to be a devotee in ISKCON, and then Dhir Lalit brought him to Jiva. Ramji was

51

originally a Gujarathi whose ancestors had settled in South Africa. After two years his health
started to deteriorate. Satyanarayan ji got him treated at the Kailash hospital in Noida. For
some time his health improved, but then it worsened again. Ramji's relatives were contacted.
They suggested that Ramji be shifted immediately to South Africa. When I asked for his
passport and visa in order to get a ticket for him, I found out that his visa had expired a long
time back. When I told Satyanarayan ji that it was illegal, he said that Ramji had to do
bhajan in Vrindavan for his whole life. Therefore, although the visa had expired, he had kept
him there. I said that it was wrong and that he had to take care of his treatment. It was
expensive and he was not able to follow the advice of the doctors (dietary regimen).
However, Satyanarayan ji didn't pay much attention to this. As Ramji's condition was
worsening day by day, I told Dr Pratap and Rishi Pal that they, being people of high social
standing, could arrange for Ramji to be sent out of this country. They refused to help saying
that it was an illegal case.
In order to send Ramji to his country for treatment I risked my life by going to the South
African embassy. Having explained the situation, I went to the Home Ministry. According to
law, illegal immigrants and all those who support them are arrested immediately. But I went
ahead, leaving the rest to God. The authorities understood the situation and they gave us a
warning that Ramji had to leave India within 7 days, and he was given seven days valid visa.
His relatives arranged for the ticket and on the fifth day Ramji was sent home.
6. Satyanarayan Das ji created Jiva Institute for Vedic studies. He made Jaya and Ramdas its
members. He put there the name of Ramdas because Jaya had said so. Three months ago he
told me, Ramdas is a member of the Jiva Institute for Vedic studies. I have now made him a
salaried employee. Bhrigu, put a revenue stamp on the employees register and get his
signature on it so that in the future I can get rid of him easily. Dear readers, there is a limit
to my tolerance. Was I supposed to spend my life correcting problems that he, due to his
arrogance and independent nature, created?
Last year, before going abroad, Satyanarayan Das ji did his best to capture the land belonging
to ISKCON's Prabhupad Vani Trust. He was doing it for Lakshman. When I asked him what
it all meant he said that if he did the job for Lakshman he would charge money from him later
on. He added, Bhrigu! Money is badly needed. I didn't agree but he wouldn't listen. To
get the job done, he gave 2 lakh rupees to a party but they embezzled it. Police ignored him.
Lately I heard that Lakshman, with the help of some people, managed to capture the land but
was then sent to jail. If Satyanarayan ji had been helping him in this what would have
happened? Just think.
Satyanarayan ji has recently indulged in a nasty act from which God alone has helped him
come out. Dear readers, if you want to know more about it, get in touch with me.
What I have explained is only a sample of his methodology of work and his intelligence. Had
he utilized the opportunities for moving ahead in life with righteousness and honesty,
he would have become a respectable personality in the world by now.
Now, I am going to proceed to talk about the relationship between Satyanarayan dasji and
Lalita:
When Lalita arrived in Vrindavan a few years ago, she became dissatisfied at various places
and came to Maharajji's ashram to take shelter. However, Maharajji sent her away. She

52

returned and falling at his feet she started to cry. When he saw a helpless and weak
brahmana girl crying, he gave her shelter and took care of her as of his own daughter. In
ancient India, when righteousness prevailed, people used to give shelter to the weak and
helpless even if it involved facing difficulties. I observed that in the same spirit Maharajji
gave protection to her.
When I first started to come to the ashram I saw that Lalita in the ashram always followed
Satyanarayan Das ji and in ISKCON, during arati, she would always stand behind him. This
became a regular thing. When I was in ISKCON I didn't understand it but coming to
Maharajji's ashram I did. I asked her why she was always following Satyanarayan ji and she
directly answered, Bhriguji, we love each other. But neither Maharajji nor Satyanarayana
jis family are agreeing for the wedding. We are in such love that we will die for each other.
Look Bhriguji, you too go home and marry. When I said all this to Satyanarayan Das ji he
said that she was crazy. I told him that he should forbid her to follow him. He said, Bhrigu,
I am of a very humble nature. Anyway, it does not make any difference to my consciousness
whether a boy or a girl follows me. I tried to explain to her but she wouldn't listen. I am not
able to send her away forcibly like Parasuram* would do. [*Translators note: Parasuram is
an incarnation of Vishnu prior to Sri Rama. ]
When I returned to Jiva for the second time, Krishnananda Baba told me that Lalita was
wearing a pallu on her head and a ring on her toe, which are the marks of a married woman.
This being the case, there must be an illicit relationship between Satyanarayan and her. He
also told me that Satyanarayan ji's family members were quite angry with him on this count.
When I told this to Satyanarayanji he said, Bhrigu! Look, in the nearby ashrams women
also live and people say all kinds of things about them. We too will live in a same manner.
We are actually not doing anything wrong. I accepted that but in my mind I had a belief that
their closeness between men and women were detrimental to practice and preaching of
spiritualism. But so overwhelming was Satyanarayan ji's influence on people that I couldn't
present my views to him.
I kept on believing that Satyanarayan ji was chaste. Then Dhir Lalit came to Jiva. He didn't
like the closeness of Satyanarayan ji and Lalita. He went to Faridabad to meet Rishi Pal,
which resulted in forbidding Lalita from entering Jiva. But Dhir Lalit saw that at Kalidah
goshala the behaviour of both remained the same. He talked to Satyanarayan Das ji about
this, got disheartened and returned to South Africa. He told me, Bhrigu, I know very well
how it goes between a boy and a girl. A clap does not happen with a single hand. I thought
he was mistaken.
Then I asked Satyanarayan ji why Dhir Lalit had returned to his country. He said, Bhrigu!
Whether my institute runs or not, whether my building is built or not, I cannot become violent
like Parashuram and stop her. She follows me in the goshala, she tells people that she is my
lover, so what can I do? I understood that if I interfered in this matter I might be in trouble.
One day I asked Maharajji that if there is a young sannyasi who lives closely with young
sannyasini girls and they keep staying with him even though their families and society
disapprove of such action, why don't they feel ashamed of this? Maharajji said,
krimikulachitam lalaklinnam vigandhi jugupsitam
nirupamarasam pritya khadannarasthi niramisham

53

surapatimapi shva parshvastham vilokya na shankate

na hi ganayati kshudro jantuh parigrahaphalgutam
When a dog, while eating, takes the pleasure of the incomparable taste of the bones devoid
of flesh of a decaying human carcass infested with insects, with putrid fluids oozing and
emitting foul odour- it is not embarrassed by the presence of even Indra, the king of the
demigods, who happens to stand right next to him. Lowly people do not realize the
unworthiness of whatever they possess or accept.
I remained calm. But for years together, I could not, for the sake of practicing and preaching
spiritualism, accept the truth of the relationship between Satyanarayan ji and Lalita.
In 2002, when because of my mistakes, I shifted from Kalidaha to Jiva; I heard that Maharajji
didn't like me because he didn't like my method of working. I felt that Jiva Institute should
become a proper Institute. First I wanted to control the movements of Lalita. I went to
Faridabad to meet Rishi Palji. He explained to Lalita but she did not listen. Hence, once
again, restrictions were imposed on her and she was debarred from entering Jiva. At that
time I became a victim of the politics of Srinivas and I was forced to leave Vrindavan and go
to live at one of my relative's place, Sri Aravind Kumar Mishra, in Faridabad.
Then, around 2004, I started to live in Vrindavana again. At that time I was not only in
contact with Satyanarayandasji, but I was also entrusted with the work of publication of
Bhakti Sandarbha. This time I saw that in Jiva there lived an unmarried young woman, Jaya
Staz from Belgium, who was Satyanarayan Das ji's personal secretary. She was also quite
close to him. At times, there would be squabble between her and Lalita. I felt that
Satyanarayan ji didn't pay much heed to Lalitas words any more. I realized that now it
would not be difficult to send her away. Satyanarayan ji himself thought the same and
therefore was neglecting her. But he didn't want to take the blame of sending her away. It is
his nature to have someone else do what he wants. I was looking for an appropriate moment.
I went to Faridabad in connection with the book publication. There, I talked with Rishi Pal in
his school office. He said, Bhriguji, Vrindavan Jiva Institute needs to be reformed. But this
is not possible because Satyanarayan himself, in spite of being a sadhu, is having illicit sex.
I said that it wasn't true because Satyanarayan ji was completely pure. That was enough.
Rishi Palji banged his table and shrieked, Tell me. If he does not have sex with her, why is
he keeping her so close? It saddens me. I have a family. When outsiders ask about this
affair, I am put to shame. Tell me, Bhrigu! How can Lalita be removed from there? I
replied, No one can remove Lalita from there. Neither Maharajji, nor you, nor me, nor Dhir
Lalit nor anyone else can do it. Only Satyanarayana ji himself can. Rishi Pal understood
what I meant. He called Satyanarayan ji on the phone and told him that if he didn't send
Lalita away immediately, neither he (Rishi Pal) nor the rest of the family would be connected
to him. Satyanarayan ji thus got a good excuse to get rid of Lalita. Despite her resistance, he
managed to send her away pleading helplessness saying that his relationship with his family
members was at stake. Thus he managed to have his desire fulfilled.
I started to feel that day-by-day Satyanarayan jis closeness with Jaya kept on increasing.
Jaya was pleased with Lalitas departure. She herself told me one day, Bhriguji! Now I have
forbidden everyone here from talking about Lalita. Babaji and I myself want to start a new
life.

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Let me tell my readers that Maharajji protects all who come to his shelter. But if the said
protected ones create hindrance to his go-seva or his spiritual practices, he does not regret
forsaking them. I could see that he had made up his mind for sending Lalita away but
Satyanarayan ji was the obstacle. As soon as Satyanarayan ji deserted her, Maharajji also
started prompting that she should leave the ashram. Finally, Srinivas Acharya took her with
him to Hyderabad.
Dear readers, from this you can conclude how virtuous is the character of Satyanarayan ji.
Just think deeply. It will help you.
What can I say, there were some other women also who used to come to Jiva that caused a lot
of uproar but I do not feel that it is appropriate to continue this topic any further.
Now, naturally a question may have arisen that after returning to Jiva and having knowledge
of Satyanarayan ji's wanton behavior, why did I continue working with him?
The answer is as follows. I try to see others problems as my own. I myself was, to a certain
extent, troubled by lust. I am telling you the truth when I say that I have read some three or
four obscene books and on getting the opportunity I surfed some pornographic websites three
or four times. I used to feel extremely unhappy by doing that but I was not able to control my
mind at those times due to my offenses and samskars of my previous lives. My situation was
as mentioned below:
jata shraddho matkathasu nirvinnah sarvakarmasu
veda duhkhatmakan Kaman parityagepyanishwarah
tato bhajeta mam pritah shraddhalurdrdhanishchayah
jushamanashcha tan Kaman duhkhodarkanshcha garhayan
Srimad Bhagavatam 11-20-27 & 28
Those devotees at the initial stage who have shraddha in listening to My pastimes, have
developed non-attachment for all mundane activities and consider them as full of misery.
They know that all material pleasures and desires for material pleasures are ultimately
distressful. Yet, in spite of knowing all this they are incapable of giving them up. Such
devotees may go through those material pleasures, but at the same time should sincerely
consider them to be sources of sorrow and worship Me with full faith and affection for
getting rid of the material attachments and developing a loving relationship with Me.
I, following the teachings of Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu of Sri Rupa Gosvami, would
remember the following verse:
ruchimudvahatastatra janasya bhajane hareh
vishayeshu garishthopi ragah prayo viliyate
Intense attraction or attachment towards sense objects almost ceases in those who have a
liking for worshipping God.
You are already familiar that I was inflicted with my internal problem, the vyudha vikalpa
samasya. The stage when one develops a spontaneous attraction (ruchi) for bhajan is much

55

beyond the stage of facing the problem of vyudha vikalpa. So I believe that when I am
freed from my internal problem and I reach a 'harmonized' condition at that time my desire to
enjoy material pleasures will be eliminated on its own by the taste in bhakti. I was thinking
that once I overcome my internal problem, Satyanarayan Das ji would be the first person I
would tell about it because in my opinion he himself is affected by this problem, and we
would make our relationship with Maharajji congenial.
When my internal problem got evaporated because of guruji and Bhagavan's mercy, I started
to realize directly that we, his disciples, always oppose each other and have no good
relationship with guruji; it is we ourselves who are at fault. Several times I tried to share this
realization first with Satyanarayan ji but he wouldn't listen. When I, during one such attempt,
went to Jiva to talk to him, he started telling Rajnish-jokes, thus showing his true colours. At
that time I had come back from Jiva to reside in Maharajji's ashram at Kalidaha. After that I
tried to bring him on the right path through my Self-revelation series that I have enclosed at
the end of this book.
As you read on you will see in what manner the above-mentioned events occurred. Next I
would like to describe my experience with Srinivas Acharya.
At the beginning, when Srinivas Acharya used to visit Vrindavan, often he used to stay at my
place. He would say, Bhrigu, don't worry. I am a revolutionary. I will bring crores and
crores of rupees for the cows. A few years ago he came to Maharajji's ashram. At that time I
used to attend classes from Maharajji on Sri Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu and other works. He
also started his studies. I didn't understand Maharajji's indication and started to study
together with him (Srinivas ji). We both started to live in the room adjacent to the library. I
used to go at 4 am to Mathura to get green fodder. It would be 12 at noon by the time I
would complete this work and some other activities of the day. Up till that time Srinivas ji
wouldn't take his meal. He used to say, Bhrigu, how can I have my food when you are yet
to take yours?
He would always talk about big plans. I would tell him that I would also participate in his
plans. All in all, his understanding was that I would work for him like a bonded laborer for
the rest of my life.
Now and then he would say that he would have Satyanarayanaji removed from the ashram
and that Maharajjji had already selected him as his successor. I used to think that he would
gradually become normal if he kept listening to Maharjjjis discourses.
I remember that in the village of Tehra when the inauguration ceremony of the new goshala
on 25 November 2001 was going on, Srinivas Acharya was in charge of Kalidaha and me of
Tehra. When the program ended at 2 o'clock, at Kalidaha people were supposed to start
taking prasad. I was supposed to stay at Tehra till 5 o'clock. Srinivas ji phoned again and
again saying, Come quickly. Over here people are insisting that I eat with them. But I will
eat only after you have eaten. I finished the necessary work and came to the ashram. There
was a big crowd. I felt that Srinivas ji pays a lot of attention to me; that's why people look at
him as well as at me with respect.
That night Srinivas ji said, See, in no time how I put you in a respectable position in the eyes
of the people. If you keep working with me I will have you held further aloft by the people.
I expressed my gratitude to him.

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Let me tell you again that I am studious by nature and have a research-oriented bent of mind.
Those days I was thinking about bhakti and psychology and I made small notes about
whatever thoughts related to this came to my mind. Once those notes got into Srinivas's
hands. He said, Bhrigu, don't do all this research. Maharajji has entrusted me with the job
of doing research. You have been entrusted with the work of farming in Tehra, supervision
in goshala, etc.
I answered, How can this be possible? When I left studying years ago, Maharajji himself
gave me money and encouraged me to take up my BA studies and following his instructions I
am also to do L.L.B and PhD. My experience is that Maharajji fills even a dead body with
fresh life! He always encourages one to progress. Following his advice I will continue this
research work.
Srinivas ji simply said, Hmm! And he became quiet. Taking that as a good opportunity, he
tried convincing me that in the eyes of Maharajji I was not a trustworthy person. Then after a
week he shifted all my belongings from that room to another one.
Then, taking advantage of the situations, he played an important role in creating conditions
that forced me to shift from Kalidaha to Jiva Institute. My contact with Maharajji was almost
lost. But he did not spare me even when I was in Jiva Institute. All of you know that
Maharajji was admitted in Kailash Hospital in Noida where he had undergone a surgery. The
festival for celebrating the disappearance day of Paramguruji was scheduled to be held in
Kalidaha one of those days. Dr. Partap called me on the phone and asked me to go to
Kalidaha for a day to manage the crowd. I refused but he insisted on my going, saying that a
person was badly required there.
I called Srinivas and said that on the request of Dr. Partap I would be going to Kalidaha the
following day. I said that I would be present on the day of the celebrations and, if required,
would help manage the crowd. I told him that we should forget our differences and live cooperatively. Prior to that when there were accusations attributed to me, I would join my
palms, weep and tell Srinivas to mediate a meeting between Hare Krishna Das Baba and me
so that I could explain everything and all confusions could be cleared. He would say that I
had violence in my heart and that reconciliation with Hare Krishna Das Baba was impossible.
To return to the story, I had received a suggestion from Partapji, who was in Noida, that I
should go to Kaliadaha on the day of celebration of Sri Param-gurujis disappearance. Hence
I told Srinivas that I would be going to Kaliadaha. Srinivas then got Hare Krishna Das Baba
to make a phone call to Maharajji who was in ill health and undergoing an operation. He
made him tell Maharajji, Bhrigu should be asked to leave Jiva immediately. A strict control
should be imposed on his movements. Otherwise he would soon kidnap Srinivas and have
him murdered!! He had given such false information to Hare Krishna Das Baba.
Dear readers, even cruelty has its limits! This was the first guru-dakshina that Srinivas gave
to Maharajji. The next day I had to leave Vrindavan and go away on my own.
Srinivas and others spread rumours against me, even to Maharajji, that I was a professional
criminal. Maharajji knows everything. But there were some mistakes that I had
unknowingly made. Hence he kept watching. Only Maharajji was in a position to
comprehend these mistakes of mine.

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Dear readers, now that I have returned to the feet of Sri Maharajji many persons in India and
abroad are expressing their doubts in me. They are asking why Maharajji has kept a
dangerous person like Bhrigu with him. I want to convey the truth about me to all my
godbrothers and godsisters and want to make them feel fearless since all the allegations
against me are baseless.
You may gather information about me from my village Mahavan Khor of Gorakhpur District
of Uttar Pradesh State where I was born. I studied up to class ten in Bapu Inter College,
Pipiganj, Gorakhpur. You may meet the teacher Sri Narendra Dubey and the NCC (National
Cadet Corps) Commander, Farukh Abdulla Khan. They will help you gather information
from all the teachers there about my real nature. I had studied in Maharana Pratap Inter
College in classes 11 and 12. There you may meet my class teacher, Sri Mahendra Pratap
Singh and simply tell my name to him. Please check whose name is inscribed on the goldplated shield kept in the glass closet behind the principals chair. Gather information about
the student with that name from all the teachers. After all this if you still have doubts in your
mind, please do let me know. I will help you get them clarified.
Some people may call these statements self-aggrandizement or whatever. It is my duty to
remove the criminal brand that has got associated with my name and let people know the
reality about me. It is only then that all of us will be able to work together and all attempts of
those who are actually against Maharajji will become nullified.
Let me clarify that there has been no change in the nature of Srinivas. I will later clarify to
you what reaction he showed immediately after I had sent out the Self-Revelation mails.
Respected readers, I have been associated with the go-shala of Sri Haridas Shastri GauSansthan located in Tehra. I present below some of my experiences connected with this
place.
It was sometime around 1999. Maharajji felt that the go-shala at Kalidaha was filled with
cows and a new space was required for them. Maharajji first explained this to Naresh
Sharma and Sandip Mittal. These gentlemen started working on creating a group that would
work towards creating the new go-shala.
One day all of a sudden, Dr. Partap Chauhan came to Maharajji with Steve ji, Naresh Sharma
and others. They inaugurated ICOT from the auspicious hands of Maharajji. And he
informed everybody there that Naresh Sharma would be doing publicity for ICOT. Later I
asked Naresh Sharma why he got busy with the publicity for ICOT leaving aside the work for
setting up the new go-shala. He was silent. He had given up the work of organizing support
for the new go-shala and had become active in ICOT. Thus Rishipal ji proved to have done a
disparaging act by breaking Naresh Sharma away from the job entrusted by Maharajji.
Later Maharajji again made Naresh Sharma agree for working on developing the new goshala. I was entrusted with the job of looking for a piece of land. Out of some different
options, Maharajji liked the land located at Tehra as soon as he saw it. Finally the land was
bought. All know how much I laboured for acquiring the land. When the land was to be
registered in Maharajjis name, he asked me to sign for the witness. When I told this to
Sandip ji, he agreed. I waited at the court for a couple of hours for all formalities to be over.

58

When it was time for the witness to put his signature, Sandip ji pushed me aside, went ahead
and signed. Thus he showed his true deceitful nature.
Later, on 25-11-2001 a large programme was held for inaugurating the new go-shala. At the
place where the foundation stone was being laid, I managed to hold on to the plate containing
the articles of the puja and did not allow Sandip ji to take it from me. The following days
newspaper carried my photograph along with Maharajjis. Of course having the photograph
printed was not my intention. The idea was why should Sandip ji take the credit for those
activities for which I would labour? On that day people were offering flower garlands to
Maharajji. Sandip Mittal himself was calling out the names of the people who would come
and offer the garlands. He called even the members of his own family. I would like to ask
him what my mistake was that he had not called me for garlanding Maharajji.
Sandip ji was the treasurer for Sri Haridas Shastri gau-sansthan. I was entrusted with the
responsibility of constructing the new go-shala. Sandip ji asked me to take money from
Maharajji and spend it. Later they would pay me the money which I was to return Maharajji.
I kept on spending Maharajjis money and Sandip ji kept saying that he would pay. After I
had spent a lot of money, I had a doubt. I asked Sandip ji for the money and he refused to
pay.
Now, I started to be accused of having embezzled the money. I told everybody to look at the
accounts but no one would do that. Maharajji said I should give the details of expencess to
Sandipji. I went to his home in Noida where he treated me nicely but he did not take the
details of expencess. I came back unhappy.
Hence later I had to withdraw myself from the activities of the go-shala located at Tehra. I
will tell you one more thing about Naresh Sharma. I requested him several times to give one
copy of the registration papers of Sri Haridas Shastri Gau Sansthan to Maharajji but he kept
delaying. After a lot of persuasion he gave a copy to Satyanarayan Das. And he asked
Satyanarayana ji not to show the papers pertaining to the rules and regulations of the
Sansthan or the papers containing the list of members to me. Naresh ji! My efforts in setting
up the go-shala is no less than that of yours. I had never asked anybody to make me a
member. If I were to know who all the members were, what would have gone wrong?
Naresh ji! This kind of crookedness is not proper in your dealings with a godbrother like me.
Well, death is sure to come.

Now I will let you know about my family conditions.

The time I had left my exams half-done and had gone away to Vrindavan was the time when
my sister-in-law (my brothers wife) was having her exams too. The chaos that came about
at home on my departure resulted in her not being able to appear for the exams. Even today
she considers me responsible for her dropping the exams. Out of envy she did not allow my
younger sister to study any more. She would create all kinds of hindrances for my sisters
study. Whenever I would visit my village I would discover that she used to misbehave with
my mother and sister. My brother was tackling the situation very wisely. Both his children
remain unhappy watching the behavior of their mother. The elder son sometimes even hits
his own mother since he cannot tolerate the injustice that she metes out to my mother and
sister. My relatives also no longer prefer visiting our place.

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It is difficult to get my younger sister married since she is not much educated. She has
studied only up to class 12.
When I went home last time I came to know from a reliable source that my sister-in-law had
intensified her atrocities against my mother and sister. She repeatedly keeps saying that I too
must shoulder some responsibilities of the family. My younger sister bore this torment for
years until she badly broke down. There is a railway line at a distance of about 500 m from
our village. She once went towards the railway line for committing suicide. When she was
waiting for the train to arrive she saw my brother who happened to pass by that way. She
started wondering how her brother would manage to live in case she committed suicide.
Looking at his face she started weeping. Then she firmly decided that she would never ever
take such an extreme step, no matter how intense her sister-in-laws atrocities become.
Through the grace of God a major disaster was averted.
I know that when this book gets published, my sister-in-law will get annoyed to read this
account. But I am compelled to write all this. Eventually you will understand the reason.
This year my sister has appeared for her B.A. exams.
I should mention here that I have an accommodating brother who is taking care of the
situation at home even under such trying circumstances. He keeps telling me, Bhrigu!
Never take the path that you have chosen for your life lightly. Always be righteous. Be an
ideal for others. He gave me his best wishes when I shifted to Maharajji this time. Since he
is expertly handling the complicated condition at home, I am able to do my work here
peacefully.
Respected readers, I have taken a long time of yours explaining about Satyanarayana ji,
Lalita, Srinivas, the land at Tehra and my own home. Now I will take you back to where I
was describing about Satyanarayana ji. From then, till the time I left Kalidaha again, I had
the opportunity to study several scriptures from Maharajji in depth. I did a lot of self-study
too. I will not describe in detail what I had studied during this long period because all the
teachings became strongly manifest in my mind after my internal problem evaporated by
the mercy of Maharajji. I will describe the remaining portions in short since a detailed
description of these issues will appear in the chapter Depiction of Characters. The
descriptions that need to be given here follow below.
I started considering myself to be much superior to Maharajji in worldly matters and in
matters pertaining to managerial capability. It is natural that this thought would influence my
outward behaviour and create disturbance. There was a situation when I spent a lot of money
from Maharajji with the hope that Sandip Mittal would pay for the expenses. What to talk of
paying for the expenses, my sincerity was being doubted! On the other hand, there were the
mischievous policies of Srinivas. Many such incidents occurred together in such a fashion
that several persons told Maharajji that Bhrigu should be sent away from the Kalidaha
ashram. But since I had not misappropriated any funds and was ready to clarify the detailed
accounts of the expenses, and yet nobody was ready to listen to my explanations, I felt that
injustice was being meted out to me. Then I got myself shifted to Jiva Institute.
It must have been the year 2002. I shifted to Jiva Institute and took a firm decision that I
would work in such a way that there would be an inflow of money with which I would do goseva and that would please Maharajji and thus I would normalize my relations with him. I

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created Auspicious Personality Research and Development Department.

organizing groups of people for this department.

I started

I met Rishipal ji in Faridabad. It was decided that to bring discipline into Jiva Institute the
first thing that needed to be done was to discipline Lalita. When she did not agree to what
was being said, her entry to Jiva was prohibited.
At that time Maharajji became unwell and he was admitted at Kailash Hospital in Noida
where he underwent a surgery. I have already related how Srinivas gave wrong information
about me to Maharajji and told him that I was planning to kidnap and murder him. Maharajji
felt troubled and restless in the hospital. Satyanarayan ji had informed me on the phone that
rumours had been told to Maharajji, and so on. I understood what Maharajji wanted. I asked
Satyanarayana ji whether Maharajji wanted me to leave Jiva Institute. He said, yes. And he
said some more things that I dont want to mention here. I told Satyanarayana ji, Today if I
am feeling extremely sad, let me tell you that I am feeling pleased too since his teachings
have left such a deep impression on my mind that even in these circumstances my faith is
increasing. From the point of view of the scriptures, I cannot consider this decision of guruji
as wrong, but what is the mystery behind it? All problems will be solved when I solve the
mystery. I will one day achieve my earlier status in an even better way somehow or the
other. If Maharajji is scared of me, I will leave Vrindavan immediately. But please listen to
a request of mine. All these years I have worked successfully on many fronts but I have
never earned any money. Now when I live outside, I will certainly need some money for
survival. And my health remains weak too. Immediately Satyanarayana ji said, Bhrigu!
You know my nature pretty well. You do not have to worry.
Next day I went to a relative of mine in Faridabad with some small luggage. I thought, I
plan to serve Maharajji. I dont know why he is afraid of me. Why does he keep his
disciples under unnecessary control? I did not lose hope. I decided to work and pressurize
Maharajji. Let me also mention that no sooner did I leave Jiva Institute and had gone to
Faridabad than Lalita started visiting Jiva Institute again.
I was receiving all information. I again met Rishipal ji to strengthen the organization and
said, I have followed your principle of revolutionary change fully (you can read more about
this in the chapter Depiction of characters), and now please support me in my activities. I
needed to explain the policies of Maharajji directly to him. I said, Maharajji always adopts
the Divide and Rule Policy. Let me tell you readers, that the one who gave birth to such
ideas about Maharajji in my mind is Satyanarayan ji himself. I told some more adverse
things to him, upon which he became serious. He went to Satyanarayana ji and asked him,
Bhrigu has told me these statements about Maharajji. What is your opinion?
Satyanarayana Das said, Bhrigu is right. Maharajji does behave like that. Immediately
Rishi Pal took a few persons with him including his brother Partap Chauhan and went to see
Maharajji. He was in a state of anger. While talking to Maharajji his anger intensified.
Eventually, throwing all codes of conduct out of he window he pointed at his private organs
and said, Just as we all are born from this, so is he (Maharajji). Rishi Pal himself said this
to me the next day. He told me to what extent he had spoken out in front of Maharajji. Then
he said that it was difficult to bring about any change in Jiva Institute, Vrindavan but still he
would keep trying.
Dear readers, I did not know that the situation would worsen to this extent and your beloved
guruji would have to undergo such a bitter experience. The entire responsibility for this is

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mine. It was the result of my foolishness. The path that I thought was favourable service to
Guru and God was actually totally unfavourable. This will become even clearer as you
proceed. Because of my arrogance both Satyanarayana ji and Rishi Pal ji ended up doing
severe offense at the lotus feet of guruji. But let me mention something. They themselves
are as responsible as I am. This is because they did not have any faith in the guru. As long as
the disciple does not have any faith in the guru, he will keep getting influenced by
mischievous persons like me and will commit offenses at the lotus feet of the guru.
Everybody lost hope and became busy with his respective activities. After putting in a lot of
thought I came to the conclusion that I should go to Maharajji, fall at his feet with humility
and submit before him saying, I am actually working towards uniting people with the
intention of serving you and serving the cows. Why do you object? What is my mistake?
Kindly tell me. I will improve things. You have told me that I am only your disciple and no
one elses. Please clarify the complete situation.
I went to the hospital in Noida and the first person I came across was Satyanarayana ji. I told
him what I had in mind. He said, Bhrigu! Try to understand. Dont be too emotional. The
situation is not going to change now. Maharajji doesnt even want to hear your name. If he
comes to know that you are here, he will be red with rage. Do you know he is repeatedly
telling me Bhrigu is a demon, he will usurp everything, finish him up. Then he said,
Bhrigu! Now you may return. Here. Take five thousand rupees for your expenses. I have
decided that on returning to Vrindavan I will hold a meeting and then frame such rules that
Maharajji will not be able to interfere into our activities. Then our Institute will progress
very fast.
I agreed and left. Retrospectively I feel that had I met Maharajji that day and had I discussed
everything clearly with him, I am sure Maharajji would have given some such indications
whereby I would have understood what my mistakes were and all problems would have been
resolved. Recently Maharajji himself told me, Bhrigu! You had come to the hospital but
you were not allowed to meet me. A godbrother of yours has told this to me. I felt sad. Had
we discussed then, a solution could have been worked out.
Nothing happens without a cause. I had gone there with a good frame of mind. Yet, where
did I go wrong that God did not allow me to meet him? These days I have realized the
reason. I shall reveal this when the opportunity comes.
I started living with a relative of mine. From there I called up Satyanarayana ji and asked
him, When are you conducting the meeting? He said, Bhrigu! Maharajji does not want to
see you alive!

CHANGE OF RESIDENCE AGAIN & AGAIN

Now I decided that I would try to do anukulya (favourable service) living outside. I went to
my village and informed everybody about the situation, explained the matter to my mother

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and got back to Jiva to take the rest of my books. I told Satyanarayan ji to give me a
computer later, which would help me in working from Faridabad. From his answer and from
his body language I understood that if he gave the computer to me or helped me in any other
way he could get into big trouble. I was happy that he had that bit of guru bhakti in him. My
mind was filled with respect for him and I told him that he did not have to face any
difficulties.
Readers, let me tell you that my respect for Satyanarayana Das went on increasing till I
experienced something that gave birth to doubts in my mind. I later realized that although he
had studied many scriptures, he is really weak in understanding the true essence of the
scriptural teachings. I will explain about the incident later at an appropriate place.
I want to clarify this here. No one should think that since Bhrigu is now staying under the
shelter of Maharajji he is trying to please him by glorifying him in his writings. Earlier when
I had to leave Vrindavan and go away, I had the same respect for him in my mind. At that
time I had written a 21-page letter to Sri Dinesh, whose master copy is still lying with me. I
had sent him the photocopy. On seeing the letter, anyone can make out that it is about 4 to 5
years old. If required, one may even get its forensic analysis done.
On reaching Faridabad I started seeing the world with a different perspective. On seeing me,
the family members of Rishipal ji would turn their face away, as if I did not exist. I started
feeling that these people are selfish. They had supported me even against Maharajji only for
their personal gains. Now that I am alone, they turn their faces away! I did not pay much
attention to this. I kept respecting all of them since they were related to Satyanarayana ji.
Then I felt that there were two major areas of concern that I should resolve for the sake of
doing favourable service to Maharajji. The issues were:
1) Maharajji is a great personality and a visionary who can see the future. His farsightedness was evident from the fact that he had me removed from the clutches of
materialists like Rishi Pal. Hence I started feeling the magnanimity of his personality.
2) Resolution of my internal problem, or Vyudha Vikalpa, which I have explained
earlier, and which had been gnawing me from within till the time I finally settled with
guruji.
Since I was ill, after seeking permission from Satyanarayan ji I went to see Partapji. The help
that I got from him was equivalent to being slapped on the face! This Partapji used to
provoke me for doing all kinds of activities and had even asked me to murder Srinivas! In
Faridabad when I asked for a little financial support of about 1000 rupees for buying ten
banners, which was like peanuts for him, he refused on the pretext that he was buying a
tractor for Maharajjis go-shala. I still continued to respect them since they belonged to the
family of Satyanarayan ji.
Dear readers! Once Naresh had himself told me, Bhriguji! You are a brave man. Why
dont you bump-off Sandip Mittal? Respected readers! I wonder what they consider me to
be. Do I look like a murderer? This is a small sample of how people distort facts for their
personal gains and spread rumours about others!
Readers! I think you ought to find out how many rats I have killed in my life or how many
times I have been jailed or how many criminals I am associated with! You ought to

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investigate not only about me but also about all the others who are living in the ashram in
Kalidaha.
As mentioned earlier I had written a 21-page letter to Sri Dinesh Singh in December 2002.
There I had made it clear that Maharajji had removed me from the clutches of materialists
like Rishi Pal, thus displaying his far-sightedness. Hence it was our duty to render favourable
service to him. Readers, if you so desire, I will publish the letter sometime in the future.
Now it was the beginning of the year 2003. The exams of B.A. Third Year were close. I
shifted to Vrindavan Uriya Baba Ashram with the help of a god-brother Narayana-das ji. On
reading my letter Dinesh ji could figure out that there was some subtle problem that Bhrigu
was not able to catch and that his relationship with Maharajji was deteriorating. He also felt
that if he were to have a discussion with Maharajji alone, the situation could improve.
Dineshji suggested that I speak to Maharajji, but I refused. I used to get information about
Maharajji from Satyanarayan ji. He used to say, Bhrigu! Maharajji doesnt want to see your
face! But now that I am living with Maharajji and having personal interaction with him, I
have not felt anything that indicates that he would have had such an attitude towards me. I
used to delude myself with the wrong impression about Maharajji in my mind, only by
paying heed to the words of others.
The day after I refused to comply with the suggestion of Dineshji, I happened to call
Maharajjis phone number by mistake and Maharajji himself answered the call! Thus I was
forced to speak to him. Somehow I blurted out, Maharajji! I have my B.A. exams. Hence I
have come to Vrindavan. I have offended you gravely. I beg forgiveness from you. When I
heard Maharajjis reply, my amazement knew no bounds! He said, You have not done any
offense for which I need to pardon you! Try to experience everything that happened as the
mercy of God. Dont feel disheartened or dispirited. You are a competent person. Enhance
your abilities and work for God. Dont keep yourself tied to a pole and feel limited. Expand
your heart!
I started understanding what Maharajji really wants. I felt once again that he did not have
any ill feelings towards me. Had that been true, he would not have shown me the right
direction through his words, he would have misled me! I consider the accidental dialing of
Maharajjis phone number as a special mercy of God.
My B.A. exams were over. During the exam-time I lived in the room constructed atop the
gate in the ashram of Sri Hargovindji (Ras Lila Wale). Later I shifted to the ashram of Baba
Sant-das ji but none of the places was suitable for me. After that I lived in an ashram called
Sanpon vala mandir (temple with snakes) and then I went back to the ashram of
Bhaktanandji. At that stage Dinesh ji started financially supporting me from time to time. I
opened a bank account. Once Naresh Sharma gave me ten thousand rupees for handing over
to Satyanarayan ji but Satyanarayan ji immediately gave that money to me. Money was no
longer a worry for me.
That was the time when Srinivas started giving life to his plans against Satyanarayana Das.
The next victim of Srinivas was Satyanarayana Das. Actually, if we understand this
philosophy, no one can do any harm to the relationship between the guru and the disciple.
Even God does not interfere into the relationship between them. If there is any problem
between the guru and the disciple, the blame cannot be given to any individual apart from the
disciple himself.

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Satyanarayana ji gave me the permission to go to his Jiva Institute. When others started
questioning, he stopped allowing me to come but he continued keeping in touch. Then I took
upon myself the responsibility of the publication of his Sri Bhakti Sandarbha. For
corrections in proof reading, he started coming to me in Bhaktanandjis ashram secretly.
At that time the cold war between Satyanarayana Das and Srinivas was at its peak. Once
when I called Satyanarayan ji for some reason, he mentioned, Bhrigu! What harm have I
done to Maharajji that he is bent upon destroying me? While talking to others he is referring
to me as rakshas (demon). What have I not done for Maharajji? I never expected Maharajji
to behave like that with me. After completion of my studies from Indias premiere Institute,
IIT, I was doing a prestigious job in the USA. I gave it up to join ISKCON. Then I came to
Maharajji. But I think the condition in ISKCON is much better since one can at least do
some work there.
Respected readers! This is the incident that was a turning point and made me think
differently about Satyanarayan ji. Listening to this statement of his all my notions of his
being a realized and senior follower of his guru vanished into thin air. I started considering
him like one of us. I had learnt from Maharajji the following verse that tells us about the
attitude and behaviour that a devotee has towards his guru and towards the path of bhakti.
ashilshya va padaratam pinashtu mam
madarshananmarmahatam karotu va
yatha tatha va vidadhatu lampato
matprananathastu sa eva naparah
(Sri Shikshashtaka)
If you think on this verse intensely, you will realize that even if the guru troubles his disciple
knowingly, an ideal disciple will not be deviated. He will not bring to his mind any kind of
remorse. He will continuously serve him joyfully.

RETURNING TO JIVA INSTITUTE

Later Satyanarayandasji allowed me stay in Jiva Institute. In the shastras it is written that an
initiated disciple should certainly worship the deities. As I did not have any fixed place of
residence, I couldnt keep deities. I thought that instead of worshipping deities, I would go
daily to a temple to have the darshan of the Thakurji. Thats why I started to go every day to
Sri Radha-Shyamsundarji temple.
When I was staying at Baba Santadasjis temple, Dineshji came from Bangalore to visit
Vrindavan. He was put up at the Jiva Institute. Once he took me along when he was going to
have darshan of Sri Radha-Shyamsundarji. On that day there was a major floral decoration in
the temple. Later, when I had the desire to see the deities everyday, I started to go to Sri
Radha-Shyamsundarji temple daily.
Since I had some money I started to bring flowers and later I started to make garlands sitting
in the temple. I also made some in Jiva, which Satyanarayandasji used to carry to Kaliadah
ashram for the deities, when he used to go there in the mornings. However, he didnt tell

65

Maharajji that I had made them. I used to think that upon seeing the garlands Maharajji
would be pleased and in this way my aparadha would diminish and my devotion would
increase.
In the temple two bhajan singers used to come every morning - a woman called Parvati and
her daughter called Lakshmi. When I started to come to the temple and make garlands
(which I did upon the encouragement from the Mahant of the temple Sri KrishnaGopalanandadev Gosvami Prabhupad), Lakshmi started helping with the work after seeking
my permission. To avoid any complications, I started considering her as my younger sister.
However, after some time her health deteriorated and I got her admitted to the hospital and
helped as much as I could. Her mother was pleased by this gesture.
Later I started wondering if it was appropriate for someone who has renounced the world to
be in touch with a young woman, no matter how the relationship were described.
I started to feel that there was something wrong in this, especially when I remembered an
event when in Vrindavan on the day of Rakshabandhan (a festival when a girl or a woman
ties a string on a boys or a mans wrist, thus declaring him to be her brother and expecting
protection from him) a daughter of a grhastha had tied a string around my wrist. When I had
spoken about it to Maharajji he had told me to be cautious.
Now I started to ask myself, Bhrigu! Will Maharajji like the brother-sister relationship that
you, in spite of having renounced the world, have with Lakshmi? My mind answered, He
will not like it at all.
Then I decided that without causing any difficulty to anybody I would maintain my maryada
(proper behaviour). Slowly, because of lack of time, I reduced my frequency of visiting the
temple. Then I made arrangements that every morning, bhoga worth ten rupees would be
offered to the deities in the temple on my behalf. This was my worship of the deities.
Mother and daughter remained secure in their place and I remained secure in mine. After I
came to Maharajji, I gave up this practice of offering bhoga worth ten rupees daily because it
seemed to me that whatever I do should be in the mood of following guruji. I went to the
temple and told Gosvamiji about my inability to pay for the daily bhoga and I explained the
reason behind it. He was pleased to hear this and he told, Bhriguji! Your decision is
supreme. No matter how many shastras one studies, nothing is achieved without the gurus
mercy. Now follow your guruji and do seva. I happily returned to the Kalidaha.
Now, dear readers, I would like to take you again to Jiva Institute at the time when
Satyanarayanji allowed me to go there again. Having gone there I decided to follow these
regulations:
- to go to Maharajji and work for him whenever possible
- to improve my skills so that I could work for Maharajji when occasions arise
- to find a lasting solution to my internal problem and be fixed on traversing the path for
experiencing the unnata-ujjvala rasa (elevated and effulgent rasa) that Mahaprabhu had
taught.
Now I am going to describe the first of these three. In the first two years I could go to
Maharajjis ashram only two to three times in a year. These opportunities used to be in the
form of the festivals like Paramagurus disappearance day, guru purnima, etc. Later I started

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getting the opportunity to go to Allahabad in connection with the court case of Bhagavat
Niwas.
Once Padmanabhaji told me, Come, Bhrigu, we have to go to Allahabad for the court case.
Maharajji said that I should take you along. I wasnt sure whether Maharajji had said so or
Padmanabhaji was saying that on his own. Whatever the case; I considered it to be a good
chance to serve Maharajji. Please listen to the words that Satyanarayan Dasji said when I
went to him to seek his permission. He said, Maharajji is bent on destroying me and then he
wants me and my people to do work for him. Dont go. Give some excuse to
Padmanabhaji.
How could I obey such instructions? Offering Satyanarayanadas ji some kind of excuse for
not being able to follow his advice, I went to Allahabad. Satyanarayandasji did work for the
Bhagavat Niwas court case in the Mathura court. Then why was it that he asked me not to
work for the case in the High Court at Allahabad? I have made the reason clear in the
chapter, Depiction of Characters in this book.
In Allahabad, Padmanabhaji and I followed the court case for four days. The winning party
was Thakur Girindrabihari Trust, whose president was Maharajji. Then I started getting the
opportunity of going to Kalidaha Ashram in the presence of other people in connection with
Maharajjis work. I was scared of going there alone since I was afraid that there might be
misunderstandings with Maharajji.
My second aim was to enhance my skills so that in the future I could work for Maharajji if
any occasion arises. When I returned from Faridabad to Vrindavan, a cold war was going on
between Satyanarayandasji and Srinivasji. At that time Satyanarayanji was trying to publish
Sri Bhakti Sandarbha. I took up the responsibility for this project. Actually I took up this job
at the time when I was staying in various other ashrams. When I got the permission from
Satyanarayana ji for visiting Jiva Institute, I set up a small team and I learned everything
about publication of books, from initial composing to printing. In the end I was successful
and started to print Satyanarayandasjis books. I did my best to keep the production costs as
low as possible. I felt that by staying at Jiva I was following another goal if people read
Satyanarayanjis books and got inspired to be connected to Maharajji I would be doing
service to him in an indirect way.
At a time when the publication of books was getting under way smoothly, Satyanarayanji
himself prohibited Lalita to come to Jiva in order to bring discipline into Jiva. You have
already read about this. Actually Satyanarayan ji was looking for an excuse to get rid of
Lalita, who was a big stumbling block for him.
As my enthusiasm was growing I took Satyanarayandasjis permission to create in Jiva Sri
Harinamamrta Vyakarana section. With no difficulty Pandit Paramanandji agreed to teach the
subject. With a big publicity, the studies auspiciously began.
After some time I learned that at Radhakunda there lived Pandit Anandagopal Vedanta
Tirtha. He used to teach Gaudiya Vedanta at the Sri Syamananda Vidyalay. I consulted with
Satyanarayanji that he be brought in to establish the Department of Sri Gaudiya Vedanta
Darshan to which Satyanarayanji agreed. It was not easy to persuade Panditji to come to Jiva
Institute but the effort showed results and after arriving there, Panditji started the Department
of Sri Gaudiya Vedanta Darshan on an auspicious day.

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Later Sri Satyanarayandasji brought in Pandit Radhamohanji, whom he had known before,
from Rishikesh and established the Department for studying Panini grammar. This increased
the enthusiasm of all the people.
I saw that in Jiva thousands of copies of manuscripts were lying. That, which is the
invaluable heritage of Indian culture and which has the capability of lighting up the whole
world with the light of knowledge was being eaten away by worms. The laboratory that had
been established was inactive. I contacted National Manuscript Mission in Delhi and learnt
from them the subject of how to preserve manuscripts. Then I set up a team and gave a new
direction to the work of protecting the manuscripts. The team is successfully working even
today.
Seeing the desire of the Vaishnava community, I successfully published this year Sri KrishnaBhavanamritam Mahakavya in Bengali, which had earlier been published 85 years ago. This
was done in cooperation with students and with the guidance of the elders. My next goal was
to prepare, in collaboration with Navadvipji (Bruce Martin), booklets containing some sound
philosophy for the young generation. I used to feel indebted to Satynarayandasji for giving
me the freedom to work.
As my interest in the manuscripts lingered on, it was natural that there would be plans to
publish the unpublished manuscripts. Together with Satyanarayandasji we made the complete
outline of the plan for publishing them. Work was about to begin when, by the causeless
mercy of guruji, I returned to the lotus feet of Sri Maharajji. I am not going to describe in
this book what plans Maharajji has for publication of scriptures, protection of manuscripts or
establishment of Gaudiya University. Under Maharajjis guidance all of them will be carried
out when proper time comes in the future.
As you can see, Satyanarayandasji had given me freedom to do my work. However, when it
came to matters related to the overall management of Jiva, he wouldnt listen to me a bit. I
have told you before how he started to take his own independent decisions, thereby causing a
lot of harm. Because of this I didnt see the future of Jiva Institute as bright. I was always
unhappy to see that wrong people were coming into the management of the Institute. This
was a point on which Satynarayandasji and me were engaged in a cold war. On this
point he would pour cold water on all my plans. The reason for this too will become clear
later.
Now I am going to describe the most important internal problem of mine the vyudha
vikalpa problem, my state of mind, and my attempts to finding a solution to this problem. I
will also describe how this problem vanished into thin air by the mercy of Maharajji.
What was my internal (vyudha vikalpa) problem? Although I have already described it, I will
make it clear again as the context requires so.
Following my association with Maharajji, I considered the goal of my life to be attainment of
the unnatojval rasa (the elevated and bright rasa) or bhavollasa rati, as distributed by
Mahaprabhu. However, I wasnt able to make an attempt to discuss this matter with
Maharajji because I was scared on account of the event that I have described previously. I
hid it within my heart. The solution to my internal problem was necessary at that time, as I
couldnt harmonize various orders/instructions of his with my goal of attaining the

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unnatojjval rasa. His instructions would be like do cow service, study shastras, become
knowledgeable, protect Indian culture, unite people, raise funds, get new go-shalas
constructed, protect Braja culture, follow the ideals set by the Gaudiya Goswamis, spread
Mahaprabhus teachings, dont make a business out of dharma, follow the orders of the guru,
fulfil the desire of the guru which is the same as the desire of Bhagavan, etc. They seemed to
me to be conflicting in nature. I was deluded into thinking that if I directly followed
Maharajjis instructions I would not be able to manage any of his work properly. It seemed
to me that all my births would become useless since I would not be able to attain the
unnatojval rasa propagated by Mahaprabhu. For the sake of convenience I put my hiding
propensity as well as my fearing propensity under the heading of my internal problem (but
please bear in mind that the actual meaning of vyudha vikalpa is neither hiding propensity nor
fear). To sum up, I thought that by following Maharajjis instructions I was going farther
away from such a path that would lead one to attain unnatojjval rasa.
The situation that arose upon not finding a solution to my internal problem
Initially I tried to harmonize my fields of work. On the one hand, due to bad association, I
considered Maharajji impractical in worldly dealings. Yet on the other hand, under the
influence of his association, teachings acquired from him, personal experience, listening from
others and his behaviour I realized that he is a Mahabhagavata. I chose the middle path. I
decided that even if Maharajji got angry I would do the work on my own because in
organizing things and in working efficiently I considered myself much better than Maharajji.
You have already read that my understanding was that I was, after all, doing anukulya (doing
service favourably). Actually this decision was suicidal! I kept working on the basis of this
decision. Towards the end I became rude and even started to give Maharajji orders. When
matters went beyond the limit of tolerance, it was obvious that I would be thrown out.
I have described my work done outside. Now listen to the description of my mental state.
I remained shattered and confused from within. It seemed to me that from time immemorial,
after taking birth in various species, the highest attainable thing preached by Mahaprabhu
(which is Bhagavat-priti, in which worldly as well as spiritual problems find solution and
which is the state of the highest bliss) was deceiving me. I formed an understanding that
Maharajji was agitated by the behavioural standards of todays human society, and hence he
did not want to reveal the mysteries of this subject to anyone.
I used to be confused regarding the practice of the various tenets of bhakti (bhakti-angas),
particularly regarding the practice of vigraha-seva (serving the deities). On the one hand I
knew that an initiated disciple should certainly do archana (deity worship), on the other hand
I was internally confused. As a result of the confusion I opted for the middle path and every
day I went to Sri Radhashyamsundar temple to have darshan of the deities in the morning, as
I have described earlier. Consequently, I believed that I was fulfilling the rule pertaining to
archana (deity worship) and I felt that I was advancing on the Vaishnava path.
Still, whatever work I did during the previous ten years was done with superficial sraddha. I
used to think, Come on! I am certainly engaged in some service. When my internal
problem gets resolved I will become firm in doing fixed seva.
My internal problem disturbed me even more during the last three years. When I was
handling several tasks in Jiva simultaneously, my policy was to get the work done by others.

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I always took up the role of a leader. That gave me enough time for sleeping. As I was empty
and confused from within, my enthusiasm ensuing from successful work could not last long. I
often would feel dejected and out of depression I used to sleep 8-9 hours at night and 2-3
hours by the day. Those who are close to me know about this fact very well.
Presently, since my internal problem got resolved I sleep naturally only for 5-6 hours at night,
and whatever work I am told to do I accomplish it with liking (ruchi). All this has been
possible only because of Maharajjis causeless mercy, the description of which will be
provided very soon.
Efforts made to solve the internal problem and the result
In connection with my internal problem there was no discussion with Maharajji, and hence it
was natural that I approach Satynarayandasji. A long time ago I had asked him this question
and he had said clearly, Maharajji doesnt want to tell anybody about this unnatojjval rasa
(the elevated and effulgent rasa distributed by Sri Mahaprabhu). I have served him for years
and yet he didnt teach this to me. You came only a few years ago. Why should he teach
you?
I told Satynarayanji several times that from the manner in which bhava, rasa, etc. are
described in Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu, it appears that the author wants the readers to
experience these things directly. He replied, In the past it was possible, but now it is not.
Bhrigu, dont think about these things anymore; just eat your roti (bread) and sleep. We will
spread the works of Jiva Gosvami, that should be the goal. These answers couldnt satisfy
me but how could I say that to him?
Two years ago Satynarayanji started to confess the fact that he was an unsuccessful person,
that he was neither able to give up his way of life nor accept it, that Krishnas maya was
crushing all of us. He wondered what must have been the reason behind it.
I understood that he would not be of any help in acquiring spiritual knowledge.
Consequently I decided to adopt a different way.
I thought that it was fine that Maharajji is a realized Mahapurusha, but then I too wanted to
acquire the unnatojval rasa. I decided to approach Sri Ananta das Babaji at Radhakunda and
get on this path with his help. Now my mind was on the mode of committing a terrible guruavajna (disobedience towards the guru). After introducing myself to Ananta das Babaji, I
told him what I was looking for. I informed him that Maharajji didnt speak about this
matter, as he was afraid that people would turn such knowledge into business. I asked him to
give me insight into the right path, as I felt I had to obtain the bhava that had been spread by
Mahaprabhu. He said, Please go and fall at the lotus feet of Maharajji and promise him that
after obtaining the desired knowledge you will never misuse it and you wont give anyone
diksha. I said, Currently Maharajji and me are not in speaking terms. He doesnt even want
to hear my name. I am in a very bad position. Please enlighten me! Unexpectedly he
replied, See, when Maharajji bestows his mercy on you, you will get everything. No one
else can do anything about this. Please leave.
Having heard these words from Sri Ananta das Babaji, I started to think that even if people
disrespected Maharajji because they dont understand him, still the shraddha towards him
certainly exists in their hearts. Otherwise knowing my mental state, Sri Ananta Das Babaji

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could have easily managed to convert me into a follower of his, although that would have
been a temporary affair. Today, I understand that the glorifying words which he spoke
regarding Maharajji and the encouragement that he gave me to reconnect with Maharajji,
increasing my enthusiasm, were spoken on inspiration of the Lord Himself, by Mother
Sarasvati sitting on his tongue. In this way I was saved from an unforgivable sin, which
could have permanently detached me from Mahapabhu. I was also saved from a horrible sin
of disobedience of the guru.
Still, I went also to Sri Govindakunda to Baba Madanmohandasji. After two days of
discussion he hinted I should take diksha from him. I kept my friend, Sunil, informed about
these developments. Just like me, he too had shraddha in Maharajji, but he felt that Maharajji
doesnt care about the progress of his disciples. As a result of that, in spite of living in
Vrindavana, he had taken up a job elsewhere. He said, Bhrigu, we have to make progress in
spiritual life, I agree with your point of view and your efforts. I too will take diksha from
Baba Madanmohan along with you. We both were completely damned because of bad
association; coming to a decision of that kind was equivalent to showing terrible disrespect to
our guruji. But just as Parikshit got saved in the womb of his mother from the arrows of
Ashvatthama by Sri Krishnas mercy, in the same way, by the unlimited mercy of his Prema,
Maharajji saved us from committing spiritual suicide. This is how it happened.
On the first day of my going to meet Baba Madanmohanji, a fraudulent boy had come there.
After speaking to him for a while I had found that he was only wearing the robe of sadhu. In
reality he had no shraddha. On the third day I happened to see that Baba Madanmohan das
was teaching him yogapitha (an advanced topic for very serious spiritualists), which indicated
to me what his real nature was. Then I started to ask him questions on a different context and
after some time I realized what the truth was and went back. In this way, guru Maharajjis
Prema and Bhagavan Sri Govindadevji at Sri Govindakunda situated at Sri Govardhan Hill
saved both of us!
After that I went to one more place. There a lot of respect was shown towards our Guru
Maharajji. But regarding some issues I found that there were gross violations of scriptural
recommendations. So, eventually I returned for good. I could feel that the Lord had been
mercifully protecting me.
Today when I remember these aparadhas (offences) committed by me, I am also reminded of
our glorious parampara. In our parampara if an acharya realised that he had, by mistake,
happened to commit any offence against a Vaishnava, he would try his utmost to please the
Vaishnava so that his offence would be nullified. I wish to describe one such incident from
our glorious Parampara.
Sri Pundarik Vidyanidhi and Pandit Gadadharji
Sri Pundarik Vidyanidhi was Sri Krishnas beloved devotee. Sri Krishna made him incarnate
during the times of Sri Caitanya in a village named Chatgaon (Chittagong) in East Bengal, in
order to make this place consecrated.
When Sri Caitanya had shown His aishwarya in Navadvip, He would often sigh deeply on
not seeing Vidyanidhi around. One day, having sat down after a period of ecstatic dance He
started weeping and crying out,

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Pundarik aarey mor baapre bandhure

Kobe toma dekhibo aarey re baapre
(Sri Cait Bhag 2/7/13)
Pundarik! O, my Pundarik! My dear father! My dear friend! When will I be able to see
you?
He was born in Chattagav in a Brahman family. He was a famous pandit and an eminent
personality.
Mahaprabhu proclaimed all of his devotees. But none of them could understand why
Mahaprabhu was calling out that name and weeping. When they asked Him who Vidyanidhi
was, Mahaprabhu answered, You all are greatly fortunate because you desire to hear about
him. His character is extraordinary and just by hearing his name the whole world gets
purified. His way of life, clothing and ornaments look worldly and judging by his appearance
no one will say that he is a Vaishnava. His house is both at Chattagav as well as here. He is
about to come here. After some days you will get to see him. I cant rest in peace without
seeing him. Hence all of you must manage to bring him here to me.
Thus, when Sriman Mahaprabhu got attracted to Sri Pundarik Vidyanidhi, the latter felt the
desire to go to Navadvip, and accompanied by many servants, brahmanas, disciples, devotees
and with various other paraphernalia, he arrived there.
Upon coming there he remained incognito. To an ordinary person he appeared to be
indulging in materialism. The news about his arrival was not known to anybody in the
Vaishnava community. But Vaidya Sri Mukunda Upadhyay knew his identity, because his
birthplace was also in Chattagav. Apart from Mukunda, Vasudeva Dutta also knew his
identity. Mahaprabhu also did not reveal his identity to anybody, either.
Mukunda was fond of Pandit Gadadhar and was his lone follower. One day he told Pandit
Gadadhar, Today a great Vaishnava has come here. You are always eager to have the
darshan of Vaishnavas. So I will take you to this extraordinary person. Please consider me
as your servant.
Having heard this, Pandit Gadadhar became very happy and saying Krishna, Krishna he
immediately left with Mukunda to have Vidyanidhijis darshan.
Mahashay Pundarik Vidyanidhiji was at home when they arrived. They paid obeisance to
him and Vidyanidhiji had them hospitably seated.
In order to introduce his companion, Mukunda told Vidyanidhiji, His name is Sri Gadadhar,
and he is fortunate to be detached from the world since his childhood. In the customary
world he is known as the son of Madhava Mishra. He is attached to the path of bhakti and
associates only with devotees. Having heard your name, he has come to have your darshan.
Hearing this, Vidyanidhiji became very pleased and with great respect started to discuss
different topics with him.
Pundarik Mahashays presence was like that of a prince. Around him there were things of all
possible kind, related to materialistic affluence. Under the influence of bhakti his body

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looked like that of Madana Kamadeva. Those who didnt know him would surely have
considered him a prince.
When Pandit Gadadhar, who had been detached from worldly objects all his life, saw all
these materialistic things, a doubt arose in his mind since all Vidyanidhijis possessions
appeared like those of worldly people, such as his beautiful clothes or fragrant hair. He
thought, Having heard his name I had felt a great devotion towards him but it all vanished
after seeing him.
Sri Mukundaji understood Pandit Gadadhardevjis mind and started to reveal to him
Vidyanidhis true identity. In fact, because of Krishnas mercy Pandit Gadadhar was
omniscient but in this context the Lords lila was being displayed.
Mukundananda started to read with a strong sweet voice the following slokas about the
greatness of Krishna bhakti:
Aho baki yam stanakalakutam
Jighansayapayadapyasadhvi
Lebhe gatim dhatryuchitam tatonyam
Kam va dayalum sharanam vrajema
(Shrimadbhagavat 3-2-23)
Is there anyone else more merciful to take shelter under than Shri Krishna, Who granted the
position of mother to Putana although she was deceitful and had prepared deadly poison to be
sucked from her breast by Him? SB 3/2/23
Rakshasi Putana shishu khayite nirdaya
Ishwara badhite gela kaalkoot loya
Tahareo matripad dilen ishware
Na bhaje abodh jeev hena dayalere
Putana lokabalaghni rakshasi rudhirashana
Jighansayapi haraye stanam datvapasadgatim
(Shrimadabhagwat 10-6-35)
Demon Putana would eat up children unmercifully. She went to kill the Lord with kalakuta
poison.
The Lord gave even her the position of a mother. The living entities, who are steeped in
ignorance, do not worship such a munificent Lord.
Putana was the killer of human children and was a rakshasi who liked to consume their
blood. But because she offered her breast to the Lord to suckle, she achieved the supreme
goal. SB 10/6/35
Vidyanidhiji, upon hearing the description of bhakti-yoga, started to weep in a state of
ecstasy. On his body appeared the bhavas and the physical deformations associated with the
state of transcendental ecstasy. Being absorbed in prema he started tossing away all the
objects around him. Weeping, he started to say, O Krishna! My life! You have made me

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like wood or stone. In this present Avatara only I have been left out. In this way, full of
bliss, he became unconscious and fell on the ground.
Pandit Gadadhar got astonished when he saw Sri Pundarik Vidyanidhis priti and became
very perplexed in his mind. I have disrespected this great soul. I came in at an inauspicious
moment to have his darshan. He took Mukunda on his lap, soaked his body with his prema
filled tears and said, O Mukunda! You have done me a great favour by taking me to Bhakta
Vidyanidhi Bhattacharya. Is there such a Vaishnava in the three worlds? His devotion
purifies all of them. Today, I got saved from a horrible disaster, thanks to the fact that you
were around. When I saw all these worldly things I started to consider him a materialistic
Vaishnava but having understood my mind you have revealed Pundarikjis devotion to me. I
hope you will help me please my heart to the extent to which I have committed offence
against him. In order to take admission to the path of devotion, the devotees must take
shelter at the feet of a preceptor (mantra-guru). I am yet to surrender to a guru. I have
decided that by surrendering at the feet of Sri Vidyanidhi I will acquire mantra and teachings.
Once I become his disciple he will forgive all my mistakes and offences that I have
committed against him in my mind.
Having deliberating thus, Pundit Gadadharji requested SriMukundji to help him getting
initiated (diksha) from Sri Vidyanidhiji. Hearing this Sri Mukunda became very pleased.
After about six hours Mahadhir Vidyanidhiji regained external consciousness, became calm
and sat down.
Now, from the eyes of Pundit Gadadharji streams of tears started flowing as if there was no
end to them. Mahashay Vidyanidhi became very pleased by seeing this and took Pundit
Gadadharji on his lap.
Pandit Gadadharji lay unconscious. So Mukundaji started to reveal his mind to Vidyanidhiji,
Having seen your worldly way of life, a dosha had come to his mind initially. After
contemplating over this, he has decided that a suitable atonement would be to take shelter at
your feet and take diksha from you. He is a Vishnu bhakta, detached from materialism and
living like a matured person from his childhood. For the son of Sri Madhava Mishra this is
proper. From his childhood, having become Mahaprabhus follower, he remained in His
association. Thats why it is proper for both of you to establish a guru-disciple relationship.
Therefore, please give him diksha of your desired mantra on an auspicious day.
Hearing this, Pundarik Vidyanidhiji laughed and said, The Lord has given me a great jewel.
I will certainly give him diksha; there can be no doubt about that. Such a disciple can be got
only after the fortune of many births. On the next Dvadashi of the bright night the auspicious
moment will come when your resolution will become accomplished. Hearing this Pandit
Gadadharji became very happy and paid obeisance to Pundarik Vidyanidhiji.
On that day Mukundaji took leave of that place and Pundit Gadadharji went to the place
where Sri Gaurangadevji (Sriman Mahaprabhuji) was staying. He became very delighted on
the news of Sri Pundarik Vidyanidhis arrival.
So, to continue my story, now you can understand that I remained alone regarding the
solution to my internal problem. To resolve it I now relied on the help of scriptures where I
searched for the solution for the next three years. Scrutinizing those scriptures, which I had
studied from Maharajji or on my own, I thought about them repeatedly, I arrived at the

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conclusion that if I surrendered exclusively to guruji - my internal problem would be solved.

But this idea wasnt yet steady and I was still broken from within.
Another matter I want to share with you is that around one and a half years ago I had asked
Satyanarayanji that if Maharajji breaks away all the people, then how would you take care of
the new ones whom you bring? He said, Bhrigu, I have made a plan. I will give the
foreigners diksha secretly which will keep them away from Maharajji and bind them to me.
Dont reveal this to anyone.
I thought that he had no realization, considered himself to be unsuccessful and there he was
planning to give diksha!! What could I do? I myself was broken from inside! I thought that
at the present he is speaking like this, but tomorrow - after some assessment, he will change
his mind.
At that time I also thought that Satyanarayanji must have committed in this or previous births
agrve offense against a Vaishnava, which was even stronger than what I had committed.
That resulted in his intelligence being adverse to his guruji.
I had already understood that Satyanarayanji was also inflicted by an internal problem. I felt
that he was unable to solve it because he was a busy person and had no time to think about it.
Hence I arrived at this decision: The day my problem would be solved, he would be the first
person I would share it with. In this way both of us could solve our problems and start seva
with steady mind fixed on our guruji.
After studying and meditating on the shastras, around six months ago I started to talk about
this matter for two or three hours at night every week with Sri Dinesh Singh (who is an
engineering graduates from the premiere technological Institute of the country, IIT Kanpur
and is presently working in Bangalore). Our common goal was to attain the unnatojjval rasa
spread by Mahaprabhu. I felt that Dinesh Singh had also stopped growing after having
arriving at a certain level. Not being able to move forward on his own, he had resigned to his
fate.
We started to think about it from the very beginning, relying on the shastras studied by us.
First of all we thought about the definition and commentary on uttama bhakti as depicted in
Bhakti-rasamrita-sindhu. I accepted his suggestion that first we should ascertain and think
about our goal. Then all the actions would get streamlined in accordance with it.
We again ascertained that our goal is unnatojval rasa, which, in its special form, we call
bhavollasa rati as per our prevalent situation.
But the problem was that if we had a misconception in this connection and if we went in the
wrong direction, then, similar to sahajiyas we would forever remain bereft of the highest form
of bhakti given by Mahaprabhu. We understood that if we were to make any progress we
needed a person with transcendental realization, who is a guru. After that from our
discussions there emerged the clear realization that bhakti is not possible at all without the
guru. He is the only one who could make us walk on this path by holding our hand.
Dineshji told me, You live in Vrindavana, go and meet guruji. I said, Although I live
close to Maharajji in Vrindavana, still I am quite far from him. Due to some specific
reasons it was impossible for me to go to Maharajji for seeking clarifications.

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Now when the discussion about Sri Guru was going on, a new topic arose: how should a
person interested in getting unnatojjval rasa see Sri Guruji? Should he see him as Bhagavan,
or in the form of a servant of Bhagavan, or in the form of a beloved of Bhagavan? Or should
he see him in some other form? Or in all forms together? When I asked this to some people
they fell completely silent.
Dineshji suggested that I ask this Satyanarayanji and also tell him that Dinesh is asking if in
Vraja Mandala there is a person who can answer the questions which cannot be asked to
Maharajji and who, in future, will be able to properly solve matters pertaining to the esoteric
aspects of Gaudiya Vaishnava philosophy?
First of all I asked about how we should see Guruji. However, his answer was not
satisfactory.
This is his reply to the second question asked by Dineshji. Yes, there is such a person and
that person is me. I kept silent for a while, and then talked a bit about some topics here and
there, and then left. As I had got to know Satyanarayandasji's internal problem, how could I
accept his answer?
Thus we arrived at the stage when we were not getting any solution. But the conclusion was
coming up repeatedly that if guruji desires, everything could be solved.
At this time, along other scriptures, I also read a commentary by Srila Baladeva
Vidyabhushanam of Sri Shyamananda Shatakam by Sri Rasikanandaji, which had been given
to me by Pundit Ananda Gopalji. In this book the attainment of unnatojjval rasa is very
nicely depicted. And it is shown that this attainment happens through Sri Guru. And not just
that, in this work it has been depicted for Vaishnavas that Sri Guruji is in the form of param
sadhya vastu (the topmost thing to be achieved). Now you can understand that the mind was
most often running towards guruji but this was not of stable nature. The idea that by
surrendering to guru everything would be good was not getting fixed. As a result I would be
dejected, and to get rid of dejection I resorted to sleep!
Something worth noting here is that I did my best on my own but was not successful. I was
connected with the five most potent angas (forms) of bhakti, namely 1) Listening to Srimad
Bhagavatam, 2) Chanting the holy name, 3) Staying in Vrindavana, 4) Having darshan of the
deities and 5) Sadhu sanga. But in spite of taking shelter of these five forms of bhakti no
power (shakti) of this wonderful sadhana directly manifested in me.
All my independent endeavours for seeking the solution to my problem, without asking for a
solution from Maharajji, were in vain and were full of offence. Not having asked guruji
about my internal problem and seeking instead for help independently elsewhere, all such
endeavours ended in vain and were full of sins (aparadhas) including my long, late-night
discussions with Dinesh Singhji. Now some people might object to this saying that I am
being ungrateful to him. But if one analyses it in the subtle form he will understand it by the
mercy of Sri Guru Maharajji.
A nice solution to my internal problem by the causeless mercy of Maharajji

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I have already mentioned that in one dream Maharajji was once giving me diksha and
handing over to me two deities, at which time I had some doubts and one person was
watching us.
When I had left Vrindavan and had gone to Faridabad to live with my relative, at that time
also in one dream. I had seen that Sri Maharajji was encouraging me to do seva in
Vrindavana.
When I returned to Vrindavana he exactly did this, as you have read before. Again and again
Maharajji would appear in my dreams together with cows and calves. In my dreams I would
secretly come to the goshala as I was afraid that Maharajji would see me. I would be
surprised in the dreams when, in spite of my best efforts to remain hidden, Maharajji would
find me out. He would often seat me and give me bhagavat prasadam to eat. In the dreams I
would see guruji, cows, calves and prasadam. Sometimes I would discuss my dreams with
like-minded persons. That year a devotee from abroad came to stay in Jiva. His name was
Robert Gafrik, now Krishna das. We would often discuss topics concerning Gaudiya
Vaishnava philosophy. When I told him about my dreams, he said that it was very good to
have darshan of the guruji and his order. In the fourth section of the book you can read his
reactions to my self-revelation emails that I started sending recently.
In my mind there was always one question that despite reading so many scriptures about Sri
Krishna - He would not appear in my dreams. Why would only guruji and cows appear?
These dreams became very important during the previous five or six months. It was the time
when I would talk at night with Sri Dineshji. Around four months ago I saw in one dreamMaharajji sitting in the temple. I went there and got the darshan of the Thakurji in the shrine.
There on the ground there was dust and rubbish. In one glass there was water covered by a
small plate. I sat with Maharajji and we had some discussion. He said, Bhriguji, do
something! All the financial support has stopped. The cows have to live! I kept on listening.
Then I saw that the glass filled with water and covered by the plate had disappeared. Then I
wished to eat prasadam and Maharajji gives me the prasadam, which was kept there.
When I talked about this with Satyanarayandasji he said that by dreams people could selfanalyse themselves. When I then told about this to Pandit Anand Gopal, the teacher of
Gaudiya philosophy in Jiva Institute, he immediately pronounced the 'sandhye srstiraha'
sutra from Brahmasutra and said, Bhriguji, tomorrow you should certainly go to see
Maharajji. Now he is remembering you. He is thinking that if today Bhrigu were here he
could have solved many problems. He said also some other things.
However, I didn't follow Panditjis advice. I said, Once in a while I get an opportunity to go
to Kaliadah, and that too might get stopped! I presented an argument saying that even if I
got to stay at Maharajjis place still it wont be of much use. Due to my internal problem I
would again start misbehaving. That's why I did not go. I talked about the dream with
Dineshji and he too encouraged me to go and meet Maharajji but I refused.
At that time some policemen came to Kalidaha to meet Maharajji in connection with the
Bhagavat Nivas case. I was ordered to be present in Kalidaha. So I went. The policemen,
after completing their work, went away.

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At that moment an old Baba Krishnanandaji came to Maharajji. He lives in the garden behind
the goshala. He said that the toilet had got blocked and needs to be fixed. After a while
Maharajji said that if an able person volunteered, he could have got the work done. I had
become ready but in my heart I was afraid that Maharajji might get angry upon my asking.
Padmanabhaji was there. People were silent. When Maharajji started to talk again I felt as if
he was trying to inspire me to do the job. Then seeing all the people silent, I gathered
courage and said, If you instruct me I can get this work done. Maharajji said okay. Then he
added, To fix the problem, from Mathura get five litres of acid and pour it into the toilet.
On that day I went to Mathura and instead of five, got ten litres of acid; then I poured it into
the toilet. There I saw that instead of acid a simple tool was required. Generally this tool is
often used in the toilets. I said to Krishnanda Baba that I would send him that tool so that no
trouble would arise in future.
After some four or five days I started to see in a dream that toilet again and again. After some
thinking I came at the conclusion that I had forgotten to send the tool to Krishnananda Babaji
hence the dream. Without forgetting, I made it a point to send the said tool to him.
Recently Maharajji had to go to Sri Bhagavat Nivas with Mr. K. P. S. Gil. I had also been
told to go with him; so I did. Several persons went with us. Even though it was an evening
time, on the insistence of Mr K.P.S. Gil he summoned a meeting in MVT where I also went.
Some time later I came back with Maharajji, together with Sri Hare Krishna Baba and Sandip
Mittalji. Padmanabhaji was also present at the meeting.
When we got to Kalidaha, Sandip Mittalji told Hare Krishna Baba that it would be good if
Bhriguji sometime come to see Maharajji. Hare Krishna Baba said, No problem if he ends
the deception. I wondered, What deception? I must know that.
When I told this to Satyanarayanji he asked me why I hadn't asked Baba what he had meant
by deception. He asked me to call up Sandip.
I wouldn't listen to him. I thought that if I phoned, the dispute would only intensify and the
pleasant relationship that was growing with Maharajji could worsen again.
Then, on the next day, I talked about this with Satyanarayanji upon which he said repeatedly
that Sandip was very crooked. I thought that irrespective of what he said, Sandipji was
helping Maharajji while the same couldn't be thought about Satyanarayanji. I'll say one more
thing here: Just like Sandip, Naresh Sharma too two years ago had told Maharajji that he
should engage Bhriguji in work. Maharajji had said, No let him pursue his Ph.D. degree
So I am coming to the main matter. After having darshan of Maharajji, in connection with
Mr. Gil, I had told about it to Pandit Anand Gopalji who said, Bhriguji, you don't pay
attention to what I say. Just wait and watch how slowly things start happening
In connection with the dream indicating the toilet event as well as from some earlier
indications I started to think that dreams reveal reality and they sometimes predict the future.
Dreams do solve many mysteries.
Well, it must have been around 21 April 2007. I had to buy some books written by Maharajji.
I told Padmanabhaji to get them for me but he told me to go there on my own. He said,

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Quietly go there and get the books from Hare Krishna Baba. Dont disturb me! I replied
saying that I felt scared to go there alone. He said, Just hand over the list to Baba and get the
books later. Thats it.
Now, I thought that I had to go. On the next day I took the list and went to Kalidaha at 2 pm.
I met Baba and he affectionately got me the books. My bag was quite small and he, without
my asking, brought me a bigger one. I was happy because I knew that on the pretext of
returning the bag I could come to Kalidaha again. I took the books and went away.
I didn't manage to return it on the next day. On the third day I went to Mathura and came
back at half past three. I recalled Hare Krishnadasji's bag. I thought that if it took me longer
to return it, Baba could get angry and because of a small mistake the improved relationship
might worsen. I had not seen Maharajji on the day when I had gone there to get the books. I
took the bag and went quickly by bicycle to Kalidaha. Along with the bicycle I entered the
gate, I crept in and, in front of me I saw Maharajji's car. It was four o'clock. I thought
Maharajji had certainly seen me from his car and might be wondering how I got in there. I
didn't go back as I thought that would only increase the suspicion. I was ready to tell him
everything about the bag but as I came closer I found out Maharajji wasn't inside. I thought I
would give the bag to Hare Krishna Baba and slip away quietly before Maharajji would come
out. I entered the ashram swiftly where I found myself standing in front of Sri Maharajji! I
paid him obeisance and was about to tell him the story of the bag when, on seeing me, he
said, Come. Let's go to the new goshala in Tehra. I said, Yes, Maharajji I am coming
with you. What more did I need? I returned the bag to Baba and rushed outside; got into
the car and accompanied Maharajji to the Tehra goshala.
Reaching the goshala, Maharajji first had the outside dogs fed. Then entering the goshala he
fed laddus to all the bulls and calves. Then we came outside, where pointing towards an open
cattle-shed he said, This is because of your efforts. Tell me, Bhrigu, am I lying? I said,
Maharajji, it is all because of your mercy. Maharajji said, Still, you made a lot of effort,
and this is the fruit of your hard work.
Maharajji now went into the guest room where he sat down. I sat in front of him. I wouldn't
have even imagined that everything would change with such ease and Maharajji would speak
with me like before. It is true that up till now Maharajji has never used any harsh words with
me. I don't know how much of truth was there in the things that other people said in
connection with Maharajji's words about me. Such is Maharajji's farsightedness and
virtuousness.
When I was sitting in front of Maharajji, he said, Now start working for goseva and for the
preservation of Indian culture. I could understand Maharajjis point of view and could sense
that he was saying these words to me with great trust and confidence.
By then all the cows had returned to the cattle-shed. Maharajji made me witness their
sweetness. I was happy that I was again in direct contact with Maharajji and could carry out
some work for him.
I went back with him. Then I returned to Jiva. Now my internal problem again resurfaced. I
made a decision that whether my problem got solved or not now that I have got an
opportunity I must fulfil Maharajji's orders, to my utmost capability.

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For goseva there is the requirement of funds. To date I never had to bother about money.
Maharajji and Satyanarayanji used to give money for every project. I thought that if I could
get hold of a formula for making money then I could earn it, too. Of course the formula
should not be one that would create obstacles in attaining my goal in bhakti. I needed such a
formula that would help me to attain my main goal unnatojjval ras. You can realize that the
situation was complicated.
At night I discussed with Dineshji, but he appeared to be without any hope. I said that doing
some serious thinking surely we would come upon some solution. In the morning I met
Satyanarayanji and told him, I am doing several of your projects with success and I will do
them successfully also in the future. But by the Lord and Maharajji's mercy I have got this
opportunity to work for the cows. I want a supreme formula of how to get wealth. So far I
never learned about how to earn money. Please tell me about a formula which though being
favourable to my goals will help me make money.
Satyanarayanji replied, Bhrigu, for this, you need to have your own product, something like
a book which sells a lot, for example Partap's Ayurved is a product. Then you need to involve
some important people who would always generously give enough money. Look, give the
second and the third part of my Sri Bhakti Sandarbha to Rajendra Jain. He will be impressed
and will certainly help out, as he is a rich man. But, Bhrigu, there is a big problem. You will
work hard and gather people for this and then later on Maharajji will criticise you to these
very people and he will also dissociate them from you. Then you will feel disheartened and
frustrated. Therefore the time has not yet arrived for this kind of work. When the appropriate
moment comes we will start working.
Respected readers, I will make this clear to you that regarding the criticism and dissociation
about which Satyanarayanji was talking about, did not matter to me any more because by this
time I had learnt that in Bhakti Marg under any circumstances one should always serve the
guru. Thus the question of getting frustrated or distraction never arises for a true devotee.
This will be clarified in this book later when I describe two slokas of Shikshastaka and
Prem Samput. Presently I am not quoting them to avoid repetition.
And about the statement of the time has not yet arrived- I wondered what he meant by
appropriate time. Did it imply that after Maharajjis ?! But I didn't take all this very
seriously. At that time I thought that because Maharajji didn't assign any specific work to
him he was talking like that. But today, when I contemplate on all his actions and words that I
witnessed and heard for the last ten odd years, I am coming to a conclusion that whatever he
says and does is in accordance with a well thought-out scheme. His sole intention is that in
some way or the other Maharajji should be left vulnerably unaided so that eventually he and
his goshala would get destroyed, and then proclaiming himself to be Maharajji's successor, he
would like to appropriate his name and thus fulfil his ambition. You will read about all this in
the chapter called Depiction of characters.
Now I am going to describe the main topic. I was alone in my quest to find a formula to earn
money. I started thinking. I had thought about this earlier and had some experience. I
quickly realizeed that on my own, I would not be able to find a formula that would help me
make money and would also nourish my main goal. I decided to ask Maharajji about this.
For five days my situation was like this: In the morning I would decide that I would certainly
go to meet Maharajji on that day but in the afternoon after a short nap my whole enthusiasm
would disappear. At that time I was afraid that Maharajji might tell me to do some kind of

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work for fund raising that would keep me away from my desired goal. Repeatedly thinking
about this I felt like a failure. All in all, I was being crushed between 'the formula for fundraising' and 'my internal problem.' Also, I couldn't think of discussing my internal situation
with Maharajji and there was no one else to give me any help.
On 29 April 2007 in the afternoon I saw this dream:
In the new goshala Maharajji was inspecting the fields with green fodder. At a little distance
Jumma was also walking along with him. I came to Maharajji and tried to pay obeisance
when Maharajji, pointing towards the guest room, said, Now sit down. Your main problem
will be solved. I was very happy that Maharajji would provide a sound solution to this
problem. Then I opened my eyes. I could clearly remember the whole dream and Maharajji's
words. My mind resolutely started to tell me the following: Sri Guruji is an extraordinary
Mahapurusha. He has the ability to read our minds even when he is away from us. He can
also transmit or communicate our internal desires. Sri Guruji is of the same nature as that of
God. Understanding his disciples position by his mercy he creates suitable circumstances
for them.
I started to understand why I kept seeing in my dreams Sri Guruji, cows and calves. In order
to elevate the bound souls, Lord Sri Krishna comes to them in the form of Sri Guru. My
intelligence has no importance. It is insignificant. Up till then I had been under the grasp of
useless false ego. I thought that I should surrender myself at the lotus feet of Maharajji and
allow him do as he pleases. Whatever he does will always be for my benefit. If he were to
give the harshest of the harsh punishments to me, it would be for my benefit. His heart is one
with the heart of God and he does everything for the ultimate benefit of his disciples.
I decided happily that the next day I would go to him and instead of discussing about the
problem of funds, I would discuss about my internal problem and would cure it. Only after
that would I ask about the Formula for Funds.
The next day, I went with Maharajji to the new goshala. After goseva, Maharajji seated
himself comfortably in the guest room. In spite of my intention, I skipped my internal
problem and started to ask about the funds:
Maharajji, so far in my life I haven't had to worry about money. My family provided it to
me, in ISKCON everything was taken care of and here you and Satyanarayanji give it to me.
Whatever project I did and am doing, I have never had to worry about money, that's why I
don't know how money should be made. But these days ample money needs to be made for
continuing goseva. I firmly believe that if I get a bit of experience, and learn some formula
about how to make money, then, God willing, I will keep expanding my activities
successfully.
Although Maharajji was listening carefully to my questions, he acted as if he didnt listen. To
my big amazement, instead of answering those questions, he addressed my internal
problem that I had kept hidden for years and which had been making me suffer in
agony. At that time he used such words that made my problem disappear and I felt as if
there had never been such a problem in my life! At that time I realized very clearly that
by following guruji, by opening to him all the hidden ideas, doubts, etc. a disciple starts
moving forward on the path of unnatojjval rasa and attains it quickly.

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For the sake of personal reasons I am not writing the exact words of what Maharajji spoke to
resolve my internal problem. Those who are interested may contact me personally and I will
explain it to them.
Now I could find harmony between the different instructions of Maharajji and unnatojjval
rasa (that which is my goal and that which is not different from surrendering to Maharajji)
distributed by Mahaprabhu. What was impossible earlier became so easily realized by the
powerful influence of a few words spoken by Maharajji! I could experience how
compassionate he was. It was I who was the cause of the distance between Maharajji and
myself. My main problem could have got solved years ago if I had taken shelter at
Maharajjis lotus feet with simple heart and hadnt done aparadha against him by
considering myself more practical in worldly dealings. Once my problem got uprooted, I
started to open up myself naturally, just as water naturally flows when the taps valve is
opened. Fearfully I asked Maharajji, Maharajji, being such a big aparadhi, how can I do
seva? I have criticised you, considered you impractical, what to say about others, I myself
have considered you an ordinary mortal some time or the other. I considered myself better
than you in dealing with worldly people. In this way I am inflicted with various fallacies and
mistrust. With such a mindset, how can I perform seva? Maharajji smiled and in two
sentences completely annihilated all of my misconceptions, distrust, etc. Again for personal
reasons I am not putting forth the exact sentences.
I started to understand the importance of goseva being favourable for attainment of the
unnatojjval rasa. I started to feel that anyone who has unnatojjval rasa in his heart would
consider cows to be millions of times more precious than his dear life in the same manner as
we can see in the lilas of Govinda, cows, gopas, etc. In this connection the following story
came to my mind.
Sri Narada uvacha
Uddhavayamaho gopa-putro Govardhanodbhavah
Madrsham tvadrishanancha mrigyan vastu sudurlabham
Itastato bhraman vyagrah kadachidapi kutrachit
Natikramati chittantarlagnam tam shokamartidam
(Srimadbrihadbagavatamritam 2-5-58,59)
Sage Narada said, O Uddhavaji! What an amazing thing this is! This son of Gopa has taken
birth at Govardhan and he has the desire of finding something that is difficult to attain even
by me or by you. Even though he wanders everywhere searching for it, he becomes disturbed
and cant get rid himself of the grief and pain that trouble his mind. Sri Brihad
Bhagavatamritam (2-5-58,59)
Digdarshini commentary By the word aho (O) amazement and grief are meant. O
Uddhava! This boy Gopa who lives in your house has wandered restlessly here and there in
this phenomenal world and beyond. Even then nowhere and in no way is he able to get rid of
the indescribable sorrow that is affecting his mind. This is because he is trying to get that
which is difficult to obtain even for bhaktas like me and well-wishers like you. If there is a
question as to how Gopakumar got the tendency to look for such a thing, the answer is
because he was born at Govardhan where cows are tended.

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Respected readers, now you can understand how much important cows are in attainment of
Vraja bhakti.
Then, Maharajji explained to me in the first three days the essence of all shastras as well as
the hidden meaning of Sriman Mahaprabhus Shikshashtaka. I will present here some verses
from the twentieth chapter of Sri Caitanya Caritamritas Antya Lila as the subject described
here is identical with the subject that Maharajji explained. I will add here that Maharajji,
from his vision, had understood my heartfelt desire to experience the unnatojjval rasa and he
started giving the necessary instructions for experiencing it.
Here I present Sriman Mahaprabhus Shikshashtaka as described in Sri Caitanya Caritamrita:
[Translators note: It is not possible to translate in English the esoteric concepts that are
expressed by Sanskrit words like harsha, udvega, dainya, etc. Each of these words has
a special meaning in the context of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhus teachings, for which no
equivalent English words exist. Hence it is recommended that those who are serious about
realizing the teachings of Sri Mahaprabhu must study them from a realized soul like
Maharajji in the original Sanskrit language. In this translation we are using English words
like jubilation, envy, humility, etc. that are found to be having only literal meanings
(not necessarily the esoteric meanings) close to the Sanskrit words.]

Pariccheda Twenty of Sri Chaitanya Charitamrta

Premodbhavita-harshodvega-dainya-arti-mishritam
Lapitam gaurachandrasya bhagyavadbhirnishevyate
Only the most fortunate ones can taste the words of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, which
are mixed with jubilation, envy, agitation, submissiveness and dejection, all produced
by ecstatic loving emotions. || 1 ||
All glories to Lord Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu! All glories to Lord Nityananda! All glories to
Advaitacandra! And all glories to all the devotees of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu! || 1 ||
While Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu was staying at Jagannatha Puri (Nilacala), He was
uninterruptedly overwhelmed, day and night, by separation from Krishna. || 2 ||
Day and night He relished transcendental blissful songs and verses with two of his associates
- Svarupa Damodara Gosvami and Ramananda Raya. || 3 ||
He tasted the symptoms of various transcendental emotions, such as jubilation, lamentation,
anger, humility, anxiety, dejection, eagerness and satisfaction. || 4 ||
He would recite His own verses pertaining to the specific transcendental emotions that he
would experience. He would then taste the meanings of the verses with these two associates.
|| 5 ||
Sometimes the Lord would be absorbed in a specific emotion and would speak out a verse
pertaining to that emotion. Then he would remain awake the whole night and relish its taste.
|| 6 ||

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In great joy, Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu would say, "My dear Svarupa Damodara and
Ramananda Raya, know from Me that chanting the holy names is the best means of liberation
in this Age of Kali. || 7 ||
"In this Age of Kali, the process of worshiping Krishna is to perform sacrifice by chanting
His holy name. The intelligent one who does so attains shelter at His lotus feet. || 8 ||
It is mentioned in Srimadbhagavatam 11/5/32:
Krishna-varnam tvishakrishnam sangopangastra-parshadam
Yajnyaih snkirtana-prayaih yajanti hi sumedhasah
Intelligent persons, through congregational chanting, worship Him, Who is the name
of Krishna, but not with dark complexion and Who is accompanied by His weapons and
confidential companions in the form of His associates, and His own body and hands. ||
2 ||
Karbhajan Yogindra had told Nimi Maharaj, O king! When the Lord Who is Krishna-varna,
(Krishna-varna has two meanings, 1) Who has the bright hue like that of the blue precious
stone of Indra and 2) the name of Krishna) and Who is accompanied by companions (like
Srivas), weapons (his hands) and associates (like Govind, Gadadhar, Rup, etc.), incarnates in
this world, intelligent people worship Him through the process of congregational chanting.
"By chanting the holy name of Lord Krishna, one can be relieved of all unfavourable
conduct, one can awaken all auspiciousness and one can experience Krishna-prema. || 9 ||
Here is a verse of Sri Chaitanyadeva adopted from the seventh division of Padyavali:
Chetodarpanamarjanam bhavamahadavagninirvapanam
Sreyah kairavachandrikavitaranam vidyavadhoojivanam
Anandambudhivardhanam pratipadam poornamritasvadanam
Sarvatmasnapanam param vijayate srikrishnasamkirtanam
Supremely victorious is sankirtan (congregational chanting of the holy name of Sri
Krishna), which can cleanse the mirror of the heart and stop the suffering of the
burning fire of material existence. The sankirtana spreads auspiciousness as the white
kumud flower spreads the soothing rays of the moon. It is the life and soul of all
education. It helps swell the sea of bliss. Every living entity can bathe in this nectar at
every step and experience complete bliss. || 3 ||
From sankirtan occurs destruction of material bondage and sins. Also, purification of the
heart occurs and from it appears the means for performance of all forms of devotional
service. || 10 ||
Love for Krishna awakens from sankirtan and it results in one relishing the nectar of prema.
Eventually, it results in attainment of Krishna and helps one attain the experience of being
immersed in the ocean of devotional service. || 11 ||

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The transcendental experience of Vishad (Despondency) and dainya (humility) awoke within
Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, and He began reciting another of His own verses. By hearing the
meaning of that verse, one can forget all pain and lamentation. || 12 ||
Here is the verse of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu from the nineteenth division of Padyavali:
Namnamakarivahudha nijasarvashaktisTatrarpita niyamitah smarane na kalah
Etadrishi tava kripa bhagavanmamapi
Durdaivamidrisham ihaajani nanuragah
O Lord! You have many names, by which You expand Yourself. You have invested
all Your potencies in those names, and there are no rules for remembering them. Such
is Your mercy my Lord! But, such is my misfortune that attraction for the name is not
born in me. || 4 ||
Since people have different desires, by Your mercy, You have distributed various holy
names. || 13 ||
Notwithstanding time or place, one who chants the holy name in whatever way, even while
eating or sleeping, attains all perfection. || 14 ||
You have put Your full potencies in each individual holy name, but I am so unfortunate that I
have no attraction for them. || 15 ||
O Svarupa and Ramananda Raya! Hear from Me the symptoms of how to chant the name to
awaken prema. || 16 ||
Tridad api sunichena taruriva sahisnuna
Amanina manadena kirtaniyah sada harih
Haris name must be chanted by being more humble than a blade of grass, more tolerant
than a tree, not demanding recognition and by giving respect to others. ||5||

Although he is respectable and deserves recognition, he considers himself to be more humble

than grass. Like a tree he tolerates everything in two ways. || 17 ||
When a tree is being cut down, it does not protest, and even when it is drying up, it does not
ask anybody for water. || 18 ||
The tree gives its wealth (fruits, flowers, etc.) to all those who seek from the tree. It tolerates
sun and rain, but it gives shelter to others. || 19 ||
Although a Vaishnava is the most glorious person, he is free from pride and gives respect to
everyone, realising that Krishna rests in everyone. || 20 ||
Whoever chants the holy name of Sri Krishna in this way, has love for the lotus feet of
Krishna aroused. || 21 ||
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As Sri Caitanya spoke thus, His bhava of dainya (humility) deepened, and He began to
pray to Krishna for pure bhakti. || 22 ||
It is the natural symptom of prema that wherever there is a relationship with prema, one
considers, I do not have a drop of bhakti for Krishna. || 23 ||
Here is a verse of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu from the eightyfifth division of Padyavali:
Na dhanam na janam na sundarim,
Kavitam va jagadisha kamaye
Mam janmani janmanishvare
Bhavatad bhaktir ahaituki tvayi
O Lord of the universe! I do not long for wealth, followers, beautiful women or
beautiful poetry. Life after life, may I have unmotivated bhakti unto You Who are the
Lord. || 6 ||
I do not want wealth from You, nor do I want followers, nor beautiful women nor beautiful
literature. O Krishna! Please give me pure bhakti by your mercy. || 24 ||
In great humility, considering Himself a conditioned soul of this world, Sri Caitanya
Mahaprabhu again asked for servitude and bhakti from Sri Krishna. || 25 ||
Here is a verse of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu from the thirteenth division of Padyavali:
Ayi nanda tanuja kinkaram
Patitam mam vishame bhavambudhau
Kripaya tava padapankajaSthitadhulisadrisham vichintaya
O son of Nanda Maharaj! Please consider me, a servant who has fallen in this terrible
ocean of the material world, as a speck of dust on your lotus feet. || 7 ||
I am Your eternal servant, but I ignored You. Having been conditioned by maya, I have fallen
into the ocean of the material world. || 26 ||
Bestow mercy on Me by giving Me a place with the particles of dust at Your lotus feet so that
I may engage in Your service as Your servant. || 27 ||
Then the transcendental emotions of intense eagerness and humility appeared in Lord Sri
Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. He prayed to Krishna to be able to chant His name in ecstatic love. ||
28 ||
Here is a verse of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu from the thirteenth division of Padyavali:
Nayanam galad ashrudharaya vadanam gadgadaruddhaya gira
Pulakair nichitam vapuh kada tava nama-grahane bhavishyati

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When will my eyes be dripping with tears, my voice be choked with transcendental
state of gadgada (overwhelming emotion) and my body be covered with the symptom of
pulak (horripilation) on chanting your name? || 8 ||
Without the wealth of prema, this impoverished life has no meaning. Make me Your servant
and pay me the wage of prema. || 29 ||
Separation from Krishna triggered off the mood of viyoga (separation) in the forms of udveg,
vishad, dainya and pralapan (agitation, despondency, helplessness and delirium). ||30 ||
Here is a verse of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu from the thirteenth division of Padyavali:
Yugayitam nimishena chakshusa pravrishayitam
Shunyayitam jagat sarvam govinda-virahena me
Due to separation from Govinda, even a moment appears to be like a yuga (thousands
of years). Tears flow from My eyes incessantly, and the whole world appears empty to
me. || 9 ||
In udvega (agitation), a day never ends. A moment has become like a yuga (thousands of
years). Tears rain from my eyes like the clouds of the rainy season. || 31 ||
The three worlds have become empty because of separation from Govinda. I feel as if I am
slowly getting burnt in fire, and yet I am not dying. || 32 ||
Lord Krishna neglects Me just to test My love, and My friends advise me, Its better to
ignore Him. || 33 ||
While Srimati Radharani thought thus, the characteristics of natural love became manifest
because of Her pure heart. || 34 ||
The ecstatic symptoms of irshya, utkantha, dainya, praudhi and vinay (envy, great eagerness,
helplessness, zeal and imploration) all became visible at once. || 35 ||
Due to all these moods, the mind of Srimati Radharani was distraught. She then spoke a
sloka about the ripe bhakti to Her gopi friends. || 36 ||
In the same spirit of ecstasy, Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu recited that verse, and as soon as He
did so, He felt like Srimati Radharani Herself. || 37 ||
Here is a verse of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu from the thirteenth division of Padyavali:
Aslishya va padaratam pinastu mam
Adarshanan marmahatam karotu va
Yatha tatha va vidhadhatu lampato
Mat-prana-nathastu sa eva naparah.
By embracing me, who am fallen at His feet, let Him consider me as His own. Or let
Him break my heart by not appearing before me. Or let the debauch wander here and
there. He alone, and none else, is the Lord of my heart. || 10 ||

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I am a maidservant at the lotus feet of Krishna. He is the embodiment of rasa and bliss. He
may embrace Me and make Me feel united with Him. Or He may not appear before me and
thus burn my body and mind. Even then He is the Lord of My life. || 38 ||
Friend! Hear the decision of my mind. Krishna, and none else, is the Lord of my life,
whether He likes me or kills me by giving me pain. || 39 ||
Sometimes Krishna makes my good fortune manifest itself when He gives up the company of
other gopis and His body and mind come under my control. Then He performs His loving
affairs with me before the other gopis and thus gives them distress. || 40 ||
But He is a debauch. He is cunning, audacious, stubborn and has a propensity to cheat. He
associates with other women and indulges in loving affairs with them in front of me to give
distress to my mind. Still, He is the Lord of my life. || 41 ||
I do not mind my personal pain. I only wish for His happiness, because His happiness is my
goal. If He feels great pleasure in giving me distress, that distress is the highest bliss for me.
|| 42 ||
If Krishna is attracted by a woman, and wants to enjoy her beauty, why should He be
unhappy on not getting her? I shall fall at her feet, hold her by the hand and take her to Him
and beseech, Please sport with Him and make Him happy. || 43 ||
When a beloved gopi shows anger towards Krishna, He feels satisfied. He is pleased when
rebuked by such a gopi. Krishna likes it when she shows the right intensity of maan (pride
emanating from self-respect). Then she gives up her maan when Krishna implores a little. ||
44 ||
But that woman does not even deserve to live who does not know the truth about Krishna and
shows excessive maan (pride emanating from self-respect) that makes Krishna unhappy.
May a thunderbolt strike that woman on the head who gives importance to her own pleasure!
We simply desire the happiness of Krishna. || 45 ||
I will go to the home of that gopi who is envious of me but satisfies Krishna and Krishna
desires her. I will become her maidservant. Only then will my happiness become manifest. ||
46 ||
A brahmana who was suffering from leprosy had a wife who was considered the best of all
chaste women. She had served a prostitute for the sake of her husband. By her power of
chastity she had even stopped the movement of the sun and had pleased all the three principal
devatas Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva. || 47 ||
Krishna is my life. He is the treasure of my life. He is the life of my life. I keep Him always
in my heart and try to please Him by rendering service. That is my unceasing meditation. || 48
||
My happiness is in the seva of Krishna, and Krishna's happiness is in union with me. Hence I
offer My body to Him. He accepts me as His beloved and calls me the goddess of His life. I
consider myself His maidservant. || 49 ||

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Service to the lover gives complete bliss. It is sweeter than direct union with Him. The
goddess of fortune is evidence of this. Although she always lives in the heart of Narayana,
her mind is steeped in serving His lotus feet. Thus, in the mood of a maidservant she keeps
serving Him. || 50 ||
Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu relishes these statements by Radha that reveal the symptoms of
pure prema. In that bhava, His mind was not stable. Sattvik vikar (transformations that occur
in the body on account of ecstasy) spreads throughout His whole body, and He is not able to
sustain His body and mind. || 51 ||
The pure prema of the Lord of Vraja is like pure gold. There is not a trace of ones own
pleasure in this prema. Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu has composed this verse and explained its
meaning in order to propagate such pure love in this material world. || 52 ||
Thus engulfed by ecstatic love, Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu did pralap (delirium) after
reciting a verse. || 53 ||
The Lord had formerly composed these eight verses (Sikshashtaka) to teach people. Now He
personally also tasted their meaning. || 54 ||
If anyone reads and understands this Shikshashtaka by Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu, his
devotion for Krishna and his prema will increase day by day. || 55 ||

In connection with the abovementioned lilas of Radha and Krishna, Maharajji made me
realize that there is no lusty behaviour of a boy and a girl depicted in it. Instead, it depicts the
qualities of tyaga, samarpana and seva (renunciation, surrender and service).
When Maharajji was talking about Braja bhava, he said, madhur vrnda vipin madhuri
pravesh chaturi sar by which he reassured me that he would help me attain the ultimate
limit of uttama bhakti (that is possible to attain for jiva by the mercy of Sri Guru and Sri
Krishna) of which the definition he had firmly taught me before. I am presenting here a
bhajan that was created by the causeless mercy of Sri Naraharidas Thakur.

(yadi) gauranga nahita,

tabe ki haita,
Kemane dharita de?
Radhara mahima,
premarasa-sima,
Jagate janata ke?
Madhura vrinda,
vipina madhuri,
Pravesha chaturi-sara.
Baraja-yuvati,
bhavera bhakati,
Shakati haita kar?
Gao punah-punah,
gaurangera guna,
Sarala haiya mana.
E bhava sagare,
emana dayala,
Na dekhi ye ekajana.
Gauranga baliya,
na genu galiya,
Kemane dharinu de.

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Narahari-hiya,
pasana diya,
Kemane gadiyache.

Translation of the bhajan of Sri Narahari Thakur:

If Gauranga were not there, what would have happened? How would We have lived? Who
would have explained to the world the greatness of Radha and the higher limits of prema
rasa?
The essence of all intelligence is to enter into the sweetness of the pastimes of Sri
Vrindavan. Who would have had the strength to teach us about the bhava and bhakti of the
maids of Vrindavan?
Sing the glories of Sri Gauranga again and again with a simple mind. I do not see anyone as
munificent as Him in this ocean of the material world.
What kind of body am I born with that does not melt down in prema even after chanting the
name of Gauranga? Look, how stone- hearted Narahari is!
(End of bhajan)
Then in my mind appeared the meaning which is shown below and which is taken from the
book, Sri Prema-Samputa by Srila Visvanahta Cakravarti Thakur, edited and published by
Maharajji.
Dosha api priyatamasya gunah yatah syuh
Tat-datta-kashta-shatam-api-amrtayate yat
Tat-duhkha-lesha kanikapi yato nasahya
Tyaktvatmadehamapi yam na vihatumishte ||96||
Yosantamapi-anupamam sahamanamuccaih
Pratyayayatyanupadamsahasa priyasya
Prema sa eva tamimam dadhati tvameva
Radhe shruta khalu mayaiva tathaiva drshta ||97||
Dear sakhi! The essence of prema as described by your nectar-like words is this: Prema is
that which makes one see the bad qualities in ones beloved as good qualities. Prema is that
due to which even hundreds of distresses given by the beloved appear to be as wonderful as
nectar. It is that which makes it impossible to tolerate even the slightest distress caused to the
beloved. It is that which renders one incapable of deserting the beloved even if it meant
giving up ones own life. It is that which makes one feel at every step that the beloveds
glories are unparalleled even when the beloved does not have any glories. Radhe! You are
truly endowed with prema. This kind of prema is seen only in you. I have seen exactly what
I had heard during the discussions at Haimavatis place. ||96-97||
The verses, ashlishya maam or doshapi express the significance of the attitude
that Radha has towards Sri Krishna. If we want to achieve Sri Radharanis seva and Braja
bhakti, we have to remember the principle of devo bhutva devam yajet (one should worship
the divine after becoming divine). Based on this principle we have to understand that we

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have to acquire that kind of bhava in our spiritual practice at present. Since we have the
desire for raganuga bhakti we have to do Vraja bhakti sadhana by following in the footsteps
of Maharajji. The above verses show us what kind of tyag, seva and samarpan (renunciation,
surrender and service) Sri Radha has towards Sri Krishna. We have to serve Maharajji
with the same mindset. For us disciples, service to our guru is not just sadhana (the
means); it is also the sadhya (the goal).
So if a question is raised as to why Maharajji does this or does that, or if it is stated that he is
impractical, we should understand that these statements are wrong and are full of offences
(aparadha). We should do seva to Sri Guruji under all circumstances!
I listened to Maharajji explaining many ideas that support Vraja bhava. Internally I have had
several flashes of inspiration based on the scriptural studies that I had done under Maharajji.
Finally he made me firm and stable by citing the following sentence from Sri Bhagavad Gita:
Vyavasayatmika buddhih ekeha kurunandana
Bahushakha hyanantashcha buddhiravyavasayinam
(Bhagavad-gita 2-41)
O son of the Kurus! On this path of bhakti, the determined intellect is single-pointed.
But the thoughts of those who are not determined are infinite and many-branched.
|| 2.41 ||
Commentary by Srila Visvanatha Cakravarti Thakur: Out of all kinds of determinations, that
which is fixed on the path of bhakti is supreme. Hence the verse vyavasayatmika is
spoken. On the path of bhakti, this determined intellect (niscayatmika or vyavasayika
buddhi) is always single-pointed. For explaining the characteristics of this determination, it
may be said, The instructions that gurudeva gave me regarding kirtan (chanting), smaran
(remembrance), paricarya (worship), etc. to the Lord, are my sadhana (the means), are my
sadhya (the goal) and all this is my life. I am not able to forsake this in either of the two
stages, sadhan (means) and sadhya (goal). This alone is my desire and this alone is my
activity. Apart from this, I have no other desire or activities even in my dreams. Let this give
me pleasure or pain; I have nothing to lose if my world gets destroyed or if it doesnt. This
kind of fixed and one-pointed determination is possible only in pure bhakti that is devoid of
any cheating propensity. It is said in Srimadbhagavatm, tato bhajeta mam bhaktya
shraddhalurdrdhanishchayah, which means After that those who are endowed with
Shraddha will worship me with bhakti and fixed determination.
Once Maharajji had said,
Mattonayoh sukham bhuyaditi tattadbhavechhaatmikaamayiti.
May both Sri Radha and Sri Krishna be pleased with us this desire is called as
tattadbhavecchamayi.
Mahaprabhuji distributed this tattadbhavecchamayi bhava in the world. It is a special kind of
unnatojjvala rasa. It is also called bhavollasa-rati. Here priority is given to the service of
the devotee of the Lord, than that of the Lord Himself. The follower of this Bhav serves the
Guruji in his both Sadhan (as a practitioner) as well as in his Siddha (realized) states,

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following the steps of Sri Guruji i.e. in a favourable attitude to Sri Guruji, performs the entire
service.
You may remember that many years ago I had a dream in which Maharajji gave me, along
with diksha, two deities. I had a doubt in my mind and a person of a different community was
watching the whole process. Now I am going to explain this as per what I have understood it
now:
The meaning of giving me two deities is the worship of both Radha and Krishna signifying
the message of conferring of the tattadbhavecchatmika bhava. And why not! Maharajji
himself is continuously performing the devotion of this Bhav. The doubt in my mind
signified that it was in a superficial way that I was ready for diksha. I was not yet mature
enough. The third scene of a person of a different community viewing the whole process
indicated that after diksha, due to my hiding propensity, instead of taking refuge in Guruji, I
would do so in another person for solving my problems. This literally did happen!
Here, a question arises, that in the past while I was staying with Maharajji, why did I not have
such Bhav (feelings)? Why was there no capacity to experience it? The answer to all these
questions is Vaishnav-aparadha (an offence against a Vaishnav)! You may remember that
back in ISKCON when I was inquisitive of the six Sandarbhas some people had criticised
Maharajji. Only because of this bad company and because of listening to them I could not
realize anything in relation to Maharajji.
Again a question arises that why did I associate with such people? The answer to this is
again aparadha (offence). In my childhood I associated and got attached to some
disobedient boys. I listened to their offensive words towards the Lord, towards the elders,
which involuntarily resulted in my getting into bad association here in Vrindavan. Another
question may be asked that while I was staying at my mothers lap my thoughts were of noble
nature so why did I get the bad association after I went outside? That was because of a
Vaishnava aparadha done in my previous life. Otherwise, had I been pure, I would have got,
having left the warmth of the parents house, directly the best association possible. Here I
will present you with some true and sweet stories that indicate how pure souls directly get
association of the highest kind without having to go through any turmoil:
There was a small child named Sri Rampratap Mishra. He used to play kanche (marbles) at
the Shri Radha Govindadevaji temple in Jaipur, Rajasthan. One day he complained to
temples priest that Govinda, who was playing marbles with him, had stolen one marble and
until and unless he returned his marbles he would not go home. The priest lovingly asked
which Govinda had stolen his marble? The priest was under the impression that it would be a
child named Govinda. The child replied that it was the Govinda who was inside the temple.
The priest went in but could not find any child inside the temple. Again the priest enquired
which Govinda and the child pointed to the Govinda deity who was seated on the throne of
the temple. The priest thought that the child was kidding and without paying further attention
to him, he resumed his work. The child then started howling loudly and adamantly wanted
his marble to be returned. To appease the child the priest pretended to search the marble near
the deity. His amazement knew no bounds when he discovered that the marble was hidden
very much near the deity. The priest felt ecstatic upon seeing Sri Govindajis compassion for
the child. Dear readers, I wish to say that the said child Rampratap Mishra was none other
than the famous saint of Vrindavan Bhagavadbhakta Siddha Pandit Ramkrishnadasji Baba!

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A youth aged 17-18 years, born in Bengal, renounced his opulent, pure Brahmana family and
arrived at Vrindavan. He did not have any acquaintance there. The next day, along with
some saintly people, he went to meet the same Siddha Pandit Sri Ramkrishnadasji Baba.
After the meeting when all of them were leaving, Siddha Pandit Ramkrishnadasji Baba
caught hold of the youths hand and said, This child will stay here with me. That youth
unhesitatingly started staying in the company of Pandit Sri Ramkrishnadasji Baba and started
doing sadhana under his guidance. Do you know who the said youth was? He was none other
than our most worshipable Sri Gurudevji Om Vishnupad Paramahamsa Ashtotarashata Sri Sri
Haridas Shastriji Maharaj. Respected readers! Such is our glorious Parampara (tradition)!
What was so special in the said Pandit Babaji that the Lord Govindji himself played with
him?! And also about the young Maharajji whose hand Pandit Babaji held and whom
Maharajji unhesitatingly accepted? Amongst the various other lessons, one teaching that
stands out is that these elevated souls were by nature simple-hearted and of pure
consciousness. They were free of any form of offence (aparadha). Therefore the Lord
Govindaji Himself and His forms of Bhakti bestowed infinite grace upon them. While Pandit
Babaji was born in such a house where he had the opportunity of playing in the courtyard of
Sri Radha Govindaji in his childhood, Maharajji was born in a Brahmana family of highlineage, where truthful behaviour and performance of ones prescribed duties were prevalent.
Without any obstacles Maharajji came under the care of Sri Pandit Babaji. Eventually Sri
Pandit Babaji had him initiated by our Parama-guruji.
In contrast, if you investigate my life history you will find that my passage to reach
Maharajjis lotus feet to the present circumstances is dotted continuously with obstacles and
offences (apradhas). I consider the reason behind these is the wrong doings (aparadhas) of
the past. The question arises that today the way I am astutely self-assured why was this not
possible in the very first moment when I had seen (had darshan of) Maharajji? In my
childhood I had heard stories of Aruni, Upamanyu, Uttanka, etc. who were my ideals, then
why did they not manifest in my heart and influence me? Recently, after all doubts and
problems ceased to exist, I started to analyse these questions. I was reminded of my days in
ISKCON when upon enquiring about the Sandarbhas I happened to hear some brahmacharis
criticising Maharajji. Yes, it was because of this bad association that Bhakti Devi stopped
herself from manifesting within me. Bhakti Devi is very delicate; she cannot tolerate any
condition that is devoid of devotion (bhakti). Again the question arises that why did I end up
in bad association? The answer is my attachment to disobedient children in my childhood.
These disobedient children used to at times directly abuse the Lord and the elders. Again I
investigated the reason behind my association of these children. The understanding, which I
had was that in my previous birth I must have committed many offences towards the
Vaishnavas (Vaishnavapradha) and disobeyed my Guru. The offences never leave us. It was
only because of Maharajjis causeless mercy that he kept on trying to bring me to the right
path. It is just not for my own self but in a subtle way he is involved in the welfare of all his
disciples and of the whole world at large!
Ill association is the cause of all sufferings and good association (satsang) is the cause of all
happiness and bliss. I would prefer that I reach eternally Maharajjis lotus feet without any
distraction or hindrances.
Respected Readers! I beg your forgiveness for correlating my life story with that of Pandit
Babaji and Maharajjis story. I will consider myself very fortunate if I become the dust of
their feet. It is said, Devo bhutva devam yajet, which means, becoming a devata (with

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divine qualities) serve the devata (divine). The understanding is that if we wish to progress
in the path of devotion (Bhakti Marg), we must follow all the instructions given by Maharajji.
But yes, never imitate him. Rather one should follow only those instructions that are given
by him.
One of the reasons for writing this book is to elicit the gravity of my offences and to
apologize for them. By now you must have understood that I had committed various forms of
offences knowingly or unknowingly towards Guruji and yourself. Now I have got this rare
opportunity to serve the lotus feet of Maharajji. To prove myself worthy of this privilege I
must be devoid of any offences. Therefore I repeatedly fall at your feet to ask for your
forgiveness and seek your blessings. And also give me guidance for my service towards
Maharajji so that I am able to successfully carry out my duties.

RETURN TO THE ASHRAM

Respected readers, it must have been 2nd May 2007. I had already started to talk with
Maharajji. In order to prevent Satyanarayana ji from doing the previously described
erroneous actions I told him, We will work according to the law. Please do not commit any
mistake this time. He said, Tell Maharajji to forget about getting hold of the property
because the opponent is very powerful. (The real reason of Satyanarayanji behind this
statement was Savitaji was involved in solving the said problem and he wanted this to stop
so that whatever steps were to be taken would be done under his guidance. Thus, eventually,
he could easily grab the whole property for himself.) For this lot of money is required. I do
not have disciples from whom I can ask for money. And, yes, Bhrigu, tell Maharajji that
nowadays I will mostly reside overseas because there are chances that I might get murdered
here. In fact some people had made plans to get me killed but I made them ineffective.
I asked him why he was losing hope regarding the said property. I said that the law is on
Maharajjis side and we should gather more support monetarily as well as publicly in
comparison to the opponents. In this way the work could be done easily without any conflict.
Satyanarayana ji answered, My friend Bhrigu, this not a big deal. If there were some more
money and if I gave 10 lakhs rupees to Kaliya (fictitious name) he can immediately kill any
person, then everything will be all right. I said, What are you doing? Are you dreaming
about murdering Dika (fictitious name)?
He said, Bhrigu, you are a child, what is Dika? I am talking about Sri Prakash (fictitious
name). Kaliya is of my caste. I have a good relationship with Kaliya. If I give him 10 lakh
rupees, in no time will Sri Prakash be annihilated. Bhrigu, in western countries people have
success following this rule Offence is the best defense. Once Sri Prakash is finished no
one will come forward.
Dear readers, now, after listening to all of this, I came at the conclusion that he simply
couldnt be counseled. Just as it is said in shastra

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Agyah sukhmaradhyah sukhataramaradhyate visheshagyah

Gyanaalvadurvidagdham brahmapi cha tam naram na ranjayati
An ignorant person can be easily advised, a thoroughly learned person can be advised even
more easily but even Brahma cannot prevail on someone who, having little knowledge,
considers himself a big pandit.
I came out of his room thinking, Till today, due to his hiding propensity a lot of harm has
been done. But this present mindset of his can endanger the lives of Maharajji and the rest of
us. Since he is secretly associating with miscreants, I wonder what detrimental acts he might
commit. Until now I have labored a lot for him. Now I will work for dethroning him so that
whatever work he undertakes, he does after being correctly advised.
On the second or third day I went with him in connection with the publication of books. The
first thing I did there was to entrust into the hands of Ritishji from Jiva Institute in Faridabad
the responsibility that I had taken up for publishing books. I also decided that the first and
foremost thing was that Satyanarayana ji must be brought on the right path. He would have
to be stripped off the corrupt people around him and then brought to Maharajjis feet.
As we were eating in Faridabad in the office, Nirja brought a new sealed pack of coconut
laddus. She tore it open in front of everybody and, out of respect, offered some laddus to me
first. How could I take it when it had not been offered to the Lord? I made up an excuse.
Satyanarayana ji said, Bhrigu, theyre coconut laddus. They wont do any harm to your
nose or throat. Just take them. I made up an excuse again. Satyanarayana ji started to eat the
un-offered laddu upon which I felt pained. It became clear that he was not fixed in
Vaishnava dharma and thats why he was in such a bad situation.
In the evening I returned to Vrindavan. Suddenly there was a flash of realization in me. I
realized that in the Mahabharata grandfather Bhishma had eaten Duryodhanas food. Hence
despite being a great soul he just hung his head during the event of Draupadis disrobing.
Having realized this I decided that even at the risk of my survival, I would give up receiving
food or water from Jiva since I was interested in following the path of truth.
Now the story about Saubhari Muni from Srimad Bhagavatam came to my mind. I had once
read the commentary on it by Sri Visvanatha Cakravarti Thakurji. It goes as follows:
When Garudaji came to Kaliya lake to eat fish, Saubhara Muni prohibited him to do so. Still,
Garudaji ate one. Seeing this, Saubhara Muni pronounced this curse, If you eat another fish
and if you come here to Kaliya Lake, you will be finished.
Respected readers, it may seem that Garudaji made a mistake and Saubhara Muni was right
but it is not like that. Garudaji was eating fish by following the words of the Lord.
In reality Garudajis position is higher than that of Saubhara Muni. By giving Garudaji an
order and a curse, Saubhara Muni became the cause of destruction of all the living beings in
Kaliya lake because when Garuda, due to the curse, couldnt come to the lake anymore,
Kaliya snake came to live there. By polluting the whole water he destroyed all living beings
there and in the end he started to fight with Vrajendranandana Sri Krishna. And Saubhari
Muni, who helped the fish by disrespecting a Vaishnava, became destroyed through them

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because when he saw them mating, a strong lusty desire rose in him. You know the rest of the
story.
In this way I realized that if you help someone while at the same time you offend a
Vaishnava, this help would eventually be the cause of harm to both you and the person
helped.
Then I realized that I am Maharajjis disciple. Guruji has a full right over his disciple. The
mutual co-operation between Satyanarayanji and me was against the wishes of our guruji.
That was against proper code of conduct. I had earlier thought that by learning how to print
books I would do Maharajjis work. All understanding of this kind as well as all the work I
had done in Jiva were against scriptural injunctions. By independently keeping myself away
from Maharajji, whatever work I did in Jiva Institute was not in accordance with dharma
because if guruji is not pleased, we should leave all work and make guruji pleased in the first
place. Then the story below came to my mind:
Once it so happened that Srila Jiva Gosvamiji misunderstood Sri Rupa Gosvamiji (in fact, he
knew everything but he was enacting lila for our sake) and praised him to be highly
knowledgeable in front of Sri Vallabha Bhatta who became pleased on hearing this.
However, when Sri Rupa Gosvamiji learned about it, he got angry with Srila Jiva Gosvamiji
and sent him away. Sri Jiva Gosvami left all his work and went to live in an isolated place
and somehow managed to keep his body and soul together. When Sri Rupa Gosvami
bestowed his mercy on him, he started to write works for the benefit of the whole world.
Such is our glorious parampara.
I started to think that whatever help Sri Satyanarayana ji, Sri Dineshji, Naresh Sharmaji, etc.
had given me and whatever help I had accepted from them were all against dharma and were
the cause of the downfall of all of us.
I decided that I would rather live on the streets than stay close to those who criticize guruji.
Up till then I hadnt discussed with Maharajji if I could stay at his ashram. I didnt know
where and how I would live. But I was sure that I would stay away from Maharajjis critics.
I wont write here what kind of mental situation I had gone through that day. My friend
Dinesh Singhji knows everything because at that night we discussed about my decision and
the possible consequent fall-outs for about 4 hours.
I was full of determination. I went to Maharajji and surrendered myself to him on the next
day. I told him, I am yours, and you may do with me whatever you please. If you so please,
you may throw me out on the streets. Or you may leave me out in the sun to die. I have no
shelter but you. And I said some more similar statements indicating surrender.
Maharajji said, What to speak about staying in the ashram, if a disciple is fixed in his
shraddha and has a disciplined mind, I will keep him glued to my heart.
Maharajji ignored all my aparadhas and without giving any credence to the criticisms that
people had cast on me, calmly gave me permission to stay at his ashram and asked me to
consider it as my own home and stay there without having any second thoughts in mind.
On the next day I took my entire luggage and returned home. On returning to the ashram,
Maharajji provided me with everything necessary for living and cooking my own food and

96

said, Whatever your mind, intelligence or body needs, ask for it without any hesitation.
And every day in the morning and in the evening he started enquiring about my welfare.
A question used to come to my mind since a long time. The scriptures say that the guru tests
the sincerity of the disciples very strictly. But my experience with Maharajji had always been
different. I had realized that Maharajji was a strict follower of the shastras, and hence I used
to think that somewhere or the other there should be mention of this kind of behaviour of a
guru. An incident from the story of Brihad Bhagavatamrita then came to my mind and made
me realize the sweetness of Maharajji. The incident is described in the following sloka where
Gopakumarji describes the behavior of his guru Jayantaji when he used to visit him in his
childhood.
Gadham-ashlishyati premna sarvangeshu sachumbanam
Parityaktum na shaknoti madrishan priyabandhuvat
Gopkumar said, Sometimes my guruji, full of prema, embraces me tightly and kisses me all
over. He considers me as his dear one and is unable to forsake me. BB 2-1-118

Digdarsini commentary on this verse: By the word madrisha, which means like me, a
resemblance to the beloved deity of the brahmana, Sri Madan Gopal Deva, is meant. By the
word priyabandhu is meant persons like father or friends who are filled with affection. Just
as when an older brother, after staying for a long time away from his family, returns and full
of priti starts to embrace his younger brother and other family members, in the same way my
guruji was embracing me. 118
Now I understood how Maharajji behaved in accordance with Vraja bhava. Here one should
remember that a disciple should always do seva to guruji with intense attachment, and should
expect nothing in return except getting more seva-bhava.
With regard to returning to Maharajji I told a small lie to Satyanarayana ji. As a result of this
lie he came to the understanding that Bhrigu would go to Kalidaha ashram and do his work.
For three days he kept instigating me repeatedly against Sri Hare Krishna Baba and Shobitaji.
I kept agreeing with whatever he said. When I borrowed his car keys he didnt suspect
anything. My luggage was packed and his servants loaded them in his car for transportation
to Kalidaha. The whole day passed in transporting my luggage to Kalidaha in four
consignments.
I had already decided that I had to protect by all means whatever exalted understanding I had
obtained by the mercy of Sri Guruji and Sri Govindaji. Thats why I did not share my
realizations with Satyanarayana ji anymore. My plan was to get mature myself and then the
first person I would tell about it would be Satyanarayana ji. Only Dineshji had been
informed about these events before.
Satyanarayana ji started to suspect something when I had almost completely moved to
Kalidaha.
When I went to Jiva for some work on the next day, Satyanarayana ji was a bit annoyed.
After some conversation he said, Bhrigu, I am a person of simple nature. I understand that I
97

have been unsuccessful in my life. If I dont have any realizations how can I surrender to
Maharajji?
I said, Look. It is only through surrender that you will get realizations. And for surrender
please understand all facts as they are. You had earlier said that you want to initiate people
without realization. How can you realize anything as long as you have these inimical
tendencies? This is the problem.
He simply replied, There is not any problem, and walked away. I was sad. I had earlier
decided that when my internal problem would be solved he would be the first person I would
inform. But his reaction poured cold water on my intention.
You already know that I had decided not to eat or drink in Jiva under any circumstances.
Once, by mistake, I took some water in my mouth but when I remembered my decision I spat
it out on the grass.
On the next day my attempt to explain things to Satyanarayana ji got postponed.
At that time Satyanarayana ji went to Faridabad for seven days. When I phoned Rishi Pal he
connected me to Satyanarayana ji. I told him, Prabhuji, we disciples are making a mistake.
Listen to some of my realizations. He said, When I come to Vrindavan, I will call you.
When he returned to Vrindavan, he phoned me in connection with a different matter but I
started to talk about the issues that I wanted to talk on and said that he should give me a
chance to discuss with him face to face as the matter could not be discussed over phone. He
agreed.
I went to meet him at a suitable time. On seeing me he started to talk about various different
matters rather than coming to the point, and finally started telling jokes and anecdotes of
Rajnish (Osho). I returned disappointed.
I deliberated and contemplated deeply on my experience of having closely interacted with
him over a period of eleven years and I finally came to this conclusion: Satyanarayana ji is a
hypocrite. Through a well-planned scheme he is using dharma for meeting his selfish ends.
He is a Sankhasur! I will make this clear in the chapter Depiction of Characters.

DEPICTION OF CHARACTERS
SATYADAS You have already read that when I had come to the Kalidaha ashram for the
first time, my mind had became polluted by the influence of this person and as a consequence
I left the ashram, following which he too had to leave. After some years, six months ago this
Satyadas returned to the ashram. He took the responsibility of finishing some work
connected with the press, etc. that had been started earlier, but now he has gone back on his
words. When a guest comes to the ashram he will certainly try to secretly influence him. In
fact, he is strongly against Maharajji. Maharajji has no connection with him. He lives here in
the ashram just as a snake or scorpion lives in a house. Hence, beware!

98

PADMANABH DAS you have already read that he encouraged me again and again to go
home, i.e. to leave the ashram. His is eyeing Maharajjis ashram. But he has no capabilities.
He remains in Jiva Institute all day and behaves as their yes-man. He hopes to gain some
favours from Satyanarayanaji, but in vain. About six months ago Satyanarayana ji had
tempted me by telling me that my name should be put into Bhagavat Nivas Trust. He said
that Padmanabhadasji had really done nothing worthwhile except being a yes-man, something
that even an ordinary servant could do.
Padmanabhadas has only two jobs in Kalidaha ashram. Firstly he comes to the ashram to
sleep and secondly to use the toilet!
To ensure his own safety he keeps criticizing Sri Hare Krishna Baba. Due to all the
Vaishnava aparadhas he has become heartless. He would rather sit in his room lazily all day
than do some work.
In Jiva he is seen associating closely with people of mean nature. A man is known by the
company he keeps. He is a shameless person. When he doesnt like Maharajji and his work
why does he stay in the ashram and occupy one room? In reality he is a secret agent of
Satyanarayanaji, Srinivasji and others. He should go and stay with similar people.
NARESH SHARMA I have already mentioned about him. Through this book I want to
deliver this message to him. About 5 years ago, when my relations with him were good and I
was annoyed with Sandip Mittal, Satyanarayana ji, in order to keep me away from Nareshji,
had told me deceitfully, Bhriguji! Look, other people are working for Maharajjis new
goshala and Naresh Sharma simply keeps indulging in big talk and under the pretext of
getting ideas about constructing the new goshala he is traveling to other states to study the
designs of modern go-shalas. But in reality his purpose is to simply go to other places, stay
in good hotels and satisfy his * * * hunger! Nareshji! The Satyanarayana ji whom, at
present, you consider your dear one, has told me such things about you during our private
conversations that I am ashamed to mention them here.
It was a big mistake when you, having come under Satyanarayanajis influence, told
Maharajji to put all his property under Satyanarayana jis name. Two years ago, again you
came under his and his family members influence and you told Maharajji, Satyanarayana ji
has brought all of us to you so you should give the whole ashram under his name. You had
expressed this opinion to me as well. Think, Naresh bhai! Can this property be handed over
to Satyanarayana ji who is so greedy, lusty, quarrelsome, envious, etc.?
Why should the property be given to Satyanarayana ji alone? What is his eligibility? Are
there no other disciples of Maharajji? Maharajji has hundreds of disciples. A disciple is
considered dearer than ones own son. All the disciples of Maharajji have the right to inherit
what he has built. But the right is for preservation and growth, not for destruction, which is
what Satyanarayanji has in his mind. He plans to pull the ashram down after Maharajjis
demise and build it again according to his own design. A disciple protects but Satyanarayana
Das ji wants to destroy.
All the property is Maharajjis alone and he will do as he wishes. Theres no need to give
him unnecessary advice.

99

So, Naresh Sharmaji! Be careful about Satyanarayana ji and his family members. If you ask
me in person what Satyanarayana ji has told me about you I will tell you everything. Please
bear in mind that the root of all quarrels is Satyanarayana Das ji and his family. If you want I
can prove it to you.
SANDIP MITTAL I have already written about you that you have always tried to put me
down. Its good that now you follow guruji but at the same time you are adding poison.
Keeping Maharajji in front you want to spread your meaningless influence on me. Sandipji,
please reduce this tendency in you otherwise you will become Bhasmasur like Satyanarayana
ji or Srinivas Acharyaji. Come and sit with me, and I will prove everything to you. Its up to
you.
One more thing: Two months ago you had asked me to regularly go to Maharajji and
regarding this you had also spoken to Hare Krishna Das Babaji. I had spoken about this to
Satyanarayana Das ji, upon which, using his deceitful tactics, he had said, Bhrigu, Sandip is
very crooked. At that time I didnt understand why he called you crooked again and again.
Now I understand. From Satyanarayanjis point of view, when a person was directly
connected to Maharajji, such a person would be adharmic and crooked! The reason for this
can be understood by all of you yourselves.
DR. PARTAP CHAUHAN Hes an extremely deceitful person! He would often say, I
give Maharajji a lot of respect, but he asked from Maharajji Tikari Bagici land for an
Ayurvedic Centre. Baba Krishna Gopal gave this land to Satyanarayanjis name, upon asking
Maharajji, but not for selling or for creating Ayurvedic Centre. It was written under
Satyanarayana jis name solely for Gaudiya culture, goseva, etc. and for nothing else. The
late Baba Krishna Gopaldas would cry if he were to see Satyanarayana jis behaviour because
he had fought for its protection all his life. He also had children and family but he didnt give
the land to them as he walked on the path of dharma and was not bound by family ties.
Dr Pratap (or Partap) Chauhan often encouraged me like this, Bhriguji, if Srinivas gives you
and Satyanarayana ji so much trouble why not slowly start to dispose him of? If some help is
needed you may take it but Srinivas shouldnt stay alive. With Partapji there was his relative
Dhir Singhji who encouraged me to do the same. Respected readers, what do those people
take me for? How many mice have I killed so far? You would have found out on the
previous pages.
It is the same Partapji who, when I asked him for help in the time of distress, turned his face
away from me, and who, together with his relative encouraged me to kill Srinivas.
Ill tell you one more thing. This time when I returned to Kalidaha, after some days Dr
Partapji came to Maharajji. Talking to me, he said, What should we do, Bhriguji? It looks
like Satyanarayanaji has committed a big aparadha (offence) and thats why he cannot live
without women. When I go abroad people ask me how is it that women have affairs with
him? What should I answer? Depending on circumstances, if required, my family may even
forsake him.
Dr Partapji! Give up Satyanarayana ji and lessen all your aparadhas (offences), which you
have committed against Maharajji. Otherwise you will never be able to achieve any higher
goal in life.

100

Note:
Now the depiction of characters of Srinivas, Rishi Pal Chauhan, Satyanarayadas, Navadvip
das, etc. will follow. Thats why, before starting the depiction, I have included here some emails that I have divided into two parts. The first is connected with Satyanarayana Das ji and
people related to him while the second part is in relation with Srinivas.
Please note that the dates of the mails are as per the schedule of the arrival of the E-mails.
The mails that arrived first are given in the beginning of each section and subsequent mails
follow through.
I have attached my Self-revelation e-mails at the end of the book.
The said sections of the E-mails are as follows.

Section-one
Dr Satyanarayana Dasa
A
Date:

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 19:12:04 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: Jiva in Europe

To:

drsnd@jivs.org

View Contact Details

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Dear Prabhuji,
Radhe Radhe.
Hearing from you that you will clarify all the points with Maharajaji I like very much.
It's good that we will follow the instruction of Maharajaji. What I understand, when we will
start follow the instruction of Maharajaji, every problem will be solved.
Yours sincerly,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
drsnd@jivs.org wrote:
Dear
Bhrigu,
I am surprised that you think I sent fake emails to you. It is not my mood, nor do I have time
for such things. And why would I do that? If I have to say something to you I will say it
directly. You know that so many emails were written against me. I did not react to anyone of
them.
I will meet Maharajji and clarify the points you have mentioned and follow his instructions.
With
bestwishes,
Satya Narayana Dasa
101

Date:

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 21:32:16 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: Jiva in Europe

To:

drsnd@jivs.org

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Dear Prabhuji,
I had already answered your question that I have written based on my realizations. Maine sirf
subda de diya jo andar se sphurit hua svapnadi me Sri Guruji aur Bhagavana ShriKrishna ke
kripa se. Rest all is based on the teachings that he has been giving from the very beginning.I
have realized how Maharajji always think of the spiritual benefit of his disciples, even though
it is perceived that he is destroying us, but usme bhi hamara hee hita cheepa rahta hai. I have
presented the same in my revelation mails.
Yours sincerely,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
drsnd@jivs.org wrote:
Dear Bhrigu ji,
I asked you a simple question in my last email. Please answer in yes or no. I also want to
unite everybody to serve Maharajji and for that I need certain clarifications. You have
mentioned that I am confused, but you have misunderstood me. I will write about it once I get
the clear answer to my simple question.
With best wishes,
Satya Narayana Dasa
Zitat von Bhrigunatha Mishra :
> Dear Prabhuji,
> As I had mentioned in my first email, that I am writing my
> revelation because I realize now what I have made mistak and in order to overcome that I
felt that I must present my story so that other does not make similar mistake. Prabhuji, as you
know, that when one is lit from inside then one does not require any light from outside,
nature of sat knowledge is that it reveals. Whatever I have seen in my dreams and whatever
now I am seeing presently in dreams, what has happened by ShriKrishnas's grace and what I
realize about Vraja Bhakti, about Maharajji does not leave any doubt for me. By Sri-Sri
Radha Krishna's grace, I have realized that there is no other way, there is no other way and
there is no other way than surrender to Maharajji. Now, when I get a glimpse of bhava and
prema by Sri Guru's mercy, then where is a doubt left for
> me ( Prabhuji ! I should not say all this things but what I can
> do?). The only thirst is to achieve that vraja bhava as early as
> possible, without which nothing tastes sweet.
Once tasted something higher, by Their mercy, I feel fearless and am ready to do anything
and everything to protect the real dharma. I know now that my destiny is the same vraja
102

bhava and even death cannot diminish that lobha for that vraja bhava. I am doubtful that you
have really read my mail carefully, else, you would have understood the same bhava as I
feel, since that is the nature of preeti, it is contageous, to the true seeker of that love. You
have gone through same tribulation as I have, you have much more association of Maharajji
than me, you had been bring me in the lotus feet of Maharajaji 11 years back and you have
been like hamsa who can relish milk from mixture of water and milk. How come you have
missed the real message, if you had really read my mail. Please read my mail from beginning
and you you will surely relish the same, the real mercy of Maharajji, if you are free from
aparadha. Prabhuji, please laut aayiye, kahin der na ho jaye. Prabhuji yada kariye, Maharajaji
ne apase varso pahale kaha tha ki is Bhrigu ko seva me niyukta kariye.kitna accha ho
Maharajaji ke adeshanushara hum aapke sang Maharajji ki usi prakar seva karein jaise vraja
bhakta-gana Sri-Sri Radha Krishna ki karte hain, jahan apna kuch nahin sab unka hota hai,
Ve apane prano se bhi pyare hote hain aur unke sukh mein hamara sukh hota hai, unke
swapno ko sakar karne mein agar hamara sab kuch ( body,mind,soul etc) bhi jayein to kya
hota hain, hota wahi hain jo Krishna ko manjoor hota hain.
> Yours sincerely,
> Bhrigunatha Mishra
drsnd@jivs.org wrote:
Dear Bhrigu,
I have a question to you. Are these self revelation emails approved by Shri Gurudeva?
With best wishes,
Satya Narayana Dasa
Quoting Bhrigunatha Mishra :
Dear Satyanarayana Prabhuji,
Jai Shri Gurudeva.
I am sorry if I have hurt you anywhere. My intention is not to cause any problem to anyone. I
have worked with you for so long, and I believe that you must faith that I will do things
which is benefitial for all of us. I have presented things explaining how it is Lord's and Sri
Guru's mercy and not because of my own endevour or any other's endevour that I have gained
certain realization which I am sharing with others. I hope you can understand me. You know
that I have several times tried to discuss with you but you have not shown the interest. You
yourself have expressed earlier that you are confused and had doubt about Maharajji. But
when I had gained some realization, I liked to share my realizations with you first , as I have
mentioned in the mail. Since, you are on the mission of preaching the parampara teachings, it
is really better that you be free from all doubts. I would request you to please comeback and
discuss all your doubts and issues. I would like to see same Satyanarayan Prabhuji who was
so much dedicated to Maharajji's mission, from whom I had got the inspiration. I would like
that you be leading the same way as those days with same dedication and we all work to
make Maharajji's mission a success. I would love to be your subordinate in fulfilling
Maharajji's dream. Please Prabhuji, comeback and lets first be more clear on our
understanding and then with full enthusiasm we work to make Maharajji's dream a success.
Yours sincerely,
Bhrigu
drsnd@jivs.org wrote:

103

Dear Bhrigu,
Radhe Radhe.
I have read your self-revelation emails. I hope you achieve your goal. My best wishes are
with you.
I am pained to read that you are misrepresenting me on certain points. But that is human
nature and I predicted this to you that you would do this as others have done in the past. You
must know that sending emails publicly has certain bearings. Anyway that is my personal
opinion. You are free to write as you like.
Satya Narayana Dasa
________

B
Tikari Bagichi
Date:

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 16:49:39 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Tikari Bagichi

To:

"Prabhuji" <drsnd@jivs.org>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Jai Radhe Krishna,
I hope that preaching programme will be successful.
Maharajaji's swelling and sager is now again giving problem. Day after tomorrow we will go
to Mathura to see the doctor.
Here at Tikari I recruit 2 security men. It will be better that you call me on my cellphone.I
have to confirm something which I can't write on e-mail.
Your sincerely,
Bhrigu
Date:

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 16:00:20 +0530

From:

drsnd@jivs.org

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

104

Subject:

Re: Tikari Bagichi

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Jaya Shri Radhe.
Dear Bhrigu,
I have just returned from France.
I have contacted Vrindavan and we will try to find out from Mathura
what exactly is going on.Just keep an eye on things and don't worry too much.
Satya Narayana Dasa
Dear Brother,
I am very happy here with Maharajaji. I hope that your lecture will be successful.
Yesterday Maharajaji heard that Mafia are planing to capture the land tikari bagichi. He told
me to look after that. Now Pandit is arranging . I told him that he look for two gunmen.After
becoming satisfied I will recruit them. Don't worried about fund for that. I will try my best.
If anything you want to suggest me in this regard you do soon.
Waiting for reply.
Bhrigunatha Mishra.

C
Agra Court
Date:

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 20:18:14 +0530

From:

drsnd@jivs.org

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: Agra Court case

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Dear Bhrigu,
Radhe Radhe.

105

I will take care of the Agra court hearing on 19th July. Thank you for informing me.
I hope Maharajaji's health is fine.
With best wishes,
Satya Narayana Dasa
Zitat von Bhrigunatha Mishra <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>:
Prabhuji,
Radhe Shyama,
Yesterday we received 2 notice. I think it's about Tikari bagichi.
It's from Agra court. On 19th of july sombody should appear in the
court.
Otherwise court can give x party decision.
Maharajaji is asking what we should to do in this?
Waiting for your reply,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
D
Rishipal Chauhan
Date:

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 03:46:57 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:
To:

Fwd: Re: Jiva in Europe

"Rishipal Chauhan" <rishi@jiva.com>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Note: forwarded message attached.
Jai Shri radhe,
Dear Brother,
I forwarded the e mails to you as attachment in which Satyanarayanaji and I myself are in
touch. I hope that you will take it seriously. Remembering my relationship with prabhuji and
you, You will make ready to prabhuji come back Vrindavan soon.
Your eternal god brother,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
Date:

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 02:53:52 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: Jiva in Europe

To:

drsnd@jivs.org

106

HTML Attachment
Dear Prabhuji,
As I had mentioned in my first email, that I am writing my revelation because I realize now
what I have made mistake and in order to overcome that I felt that I must present my story so
that other does not make similar mistake. Prabhuji, as you know, that when one is lit from
inside then one does not require any light from outside, nature of sat knowledge is that it
reveals. Whatever I have seen in my dreams and whatever now I am seeing presently in
dreams, what has happened by ShriKrishnas's grace and what I realize about Vraja Bhakti,
about Maharajji does not leave any doubt for me. By Sri-Sri Radha Krishna's grace, I have
realized that there is no other way, there is no other way and there is no other way than
surrender to Maharajji. Now, when I get a glimpse of bhava and prema by Sri Guru's mercy,
then where is a doubt left for me ( Prabhuji ! I should not say all this things but what I can
do?). The only thirst is to achieve that vraja bhava as early as possible, without which nothing
tastes sweet.
Once tasted something higher, by Their mercy, I feel fearless and am ready to do anything
and everything to protect the real dharma. I know now that my destiny is the same vraja
bhava and even death cannot diminish that lobha for that vraja bhava. I am doubtful that you
have really read my mail carefully, else, you would have understood the same bhava as I feel,
since that is the nature of preeti, it is contageous, to the true seeker of that love. You have
gone through same tribulation as I have, you have much more association of Maharajji than
me, you had been bring me in the lotus feet of Maharajaji 11 years back and you have been
like hamsa who can relish milk from mixture of water and milk. How come you have missed
the real message, if you had really read my mail. Please read my mail from beginning and
you you will surely relish the same, the real mercy of Maharajji, if you are free from
aparadha.
Prabhuji, please laut aayiye, kahin der na ho jaye. Prabhuji yada kariye, Maharajaji ne
apase varso pahale kaha tha ki is Bhrigu ko seva me niyukta kariye.kitna accha ho Maharajaji
ke adeshanushara hum aapke sang Maharajji ki usi prakar seva karein jaise vraja bhakta-gana
Sri-Sri Radha Krishna ki karte hain, jahan apna kuch nahin sab unka hota hai, Ve apane prano
se bhi pyare hote hain aur unke sukh mein hamara sukh hota hai, unke swapno ko sakar karne
mein agar hamara sab kuch ( body,mind,soul etc) bhi jayein to kya hota hain, hota wahi hain
jo Krishna ko manjoor hota hain.
Yours sincerely,
Bhrigunatha Mishra
drsnd@jivs.org wrote:
Dear Bhrigu,
I have a question to you. Are these self revelation emails approved
by Shri Gurudeva?
With best wishes,
Satya Narayana Dasa
Quoting Bhrigunatha Mishra :
Dear Satyanarayana Prabhuji,
Jai Shri Gurudeva.
I am sorry if I have hurt you anywhere. My intention is not to cause any problem to anyone. I

107

have worked with you for so long, and I believe that you must faith that I will do things
which is benefitial for all of us. I have presented things explaining how it
is Lord's and Sri Guru's mercy and not because of my own endevour or any other's endevour
that I have gained certain realization which I am sharing with others. I hope you can
understand me. You know that I have several times tried to discuss with you but you have
not shown the interest.You yourself have expressed earlier that you are confused and had
doubt about Maharajji. But when I had gained some realization, I liked to share my
realizations with you first , as I have mentioned in the mail. Since, you are on the mission of
preaching the parampara teachings, it is really better that you be free from all doubts. I
would request you to please comeback and discuss all your doubts and issues. I would like to
see same Satyanarayan Prabhuji who was so much dedicated to Maharajji's mission, from
whom I had got the inspiration. I would like that you be leading the same way as those days
with same dedication and we all work to make Maharajji's mission a success. I would love to
be your subordinate in fulfilling Maharajji's dream.Please Prabhuji, comeback and lets first
be more clear on our understanding and then with full enthusiasm we work to make
Maharajji's dream a success.
Yours sincerely,
Bhrigu
drsnd@jivs.org wrote: Dear Bhrigu,
Radhe Radhe.
I have read your self-revelation emails. I hope you achieve your
goal. My best wishes are with you. I am pained to read that you are misrepresenting me on
certain points. But that is human nature and I predicted this to you that you would do this as
others have done in the past. You must know that sending emails publicly has certain
bearings. Anyway that is my personal opinion. You are free to write as you like.
Satya Narayana Dasa

E
Premnidhi
Date:

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 10:44:09 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: thanks for your mail

To:

"prem nidhi" <pnw108@yahoo.com>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Dear Premnidhiji,

108

Nice to hear you.

I am trying to find out where is the real reason for all the collapse.One thing we must always
remember that there is no place for fighting in Bhagavata dharma. But when some
materialistic desire come it the mind of it's follower then this problem start. Now every body
can see clearly that there is no good relationship between Guruji and his disciples, among god
brothers and god sisters. There is something wrong. I am working for to find out the what is
wrong with us and how we can get ride of that.
Have your faith in absolute truth.
Yours Bhrigunatha Mishra.
prem nidhi <pnw108@yahoo.com> wrote:
Dear Bhrigu,
I am so happy that you have such deep realization about bhakti and arededicated to serve
Maharajji by uniting all the disciples. I am willing to do anything to assist you in this goal. I
cannot forget the taste of serving in Goshala in the association of Maharajji, Prabhuji,
godbrothers and godsisters. It was a wonderful experience.
But then everything collapsed. So I am wondering why it happened. What was the cause
behind it? If we can find this and remove it then slowly everyone will again unite. Please
think it over and write your understanding on it.
I always hanker for the old unity.
Premanidhi.
Date:

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 16:41:32 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: re. sobhita

To:

"prem nidhi" <pnw108@yahoo.com>

Top of Form
Bottom of FormDear Premnidhiji,
RadheShyama
It's nice to here positive things from your side. Opening ourselves to our
ShriGurujiMaharajaji, God brothers is positive for Bhakti. Remember the verses from Nectar
from instruction:Dadati pratigrhnati guhyamakhyati Pricchati,
Bhunkte bhojayate chaiva sadvidha priti lakshna.
In bhakti clear understanding is must.
I can't enjoy the bliss of Bhakti because now due to some misunderstanding there is some
gap between me and Prabhuji.
You pray to Krishna that everything get resolved among maharajaji, Prabhuji,me and all the
god brothers and godsisters. Then we will be able to fulfil the mission of Maharajaji.You can
play a good role just bringing unity in all the disciple ofMaharajaji. Because your very nature
is to spread news everywhere. Now you use your talent to stop the birth of groups. Imagine
there is a family. The head of this family is a very much devoted to Gauranga and his all
disciples without any different. And all the other member of that family are also like the head
are surrender to head of the family. This family is real brajafamily. My respected god

109

brother! Just try for that type of family.And enjoy Brajabhava without any delay, just at
present.
Dear brother you are talking about team. The real team will come in existence when most of
the disciples of Maharajaji will come all together under the shelter of the lotus feet of
Maharajaji. No groups. Only brajafamily.
Your younger god brother,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
prem nidhi <pnw108@yahoo.com> wrote:
dear bhrigu
i also could not believe this negative things about shobita.
actually"It was only my guess. I thought so because Srinivas did such a thing and I guessed
that now when Srinivas is out then Shobita must be doing the same thing because a
slandering email came against Satya Narayana Dasa when Srinivas was out and Shobita was
in his place.But now after reading your email I am not sure who is behind it." and then there
was this
e mail from visnu rajiv i dont know who this person is? it is good that she is working with
you together in maharajis goshalla. i think both of you will be a good team.
best wishes

prem nidhi

Date:

Fri, 6 Jul 2007 11:17:48 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: re. thanks for your mail

To:

"prem nidhi" <pnw108@yahoo.com>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Radhe Shyam.
In your e-mail you wrote that so many negatives thing about Sobitaji.I could not believe on
that. But I took your mail seriously. After 25 days I conclude that she is not like that what
you think about her. My question is how you can say that Sobita is cheater, she is making
money from goshala, and she wrote slandering mails against Satyanarayanaji, she is
following the foot step of Shrinivas?
Waiting for your reply,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.

Date:

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 09:17:17 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: re. thanks for your mail

To:

"prem nidhi" <pnw108@yahoo.com>

110

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Dear Brother,
Radhe Shyama,
I am very happy reading your help.
You take the dust from the feet of Maharajaji. Not from the fallen souls feet . Please keep on
reading my mail. After some mails I will mention what you advise me. My be after 7 mails.
Keep in touch with me.
An unsuccessful disciple,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
prem nidhi <pnw108@yahoo.com> wrote:
dear bhrigu
thank you very much for your e mail.you cannot believe,when i heard that you moved to the
goshalla how happy i was.this was a very bold step,and the right thing to do at the right
time.maharaj needs a person like you to assist him with his cows.i remember,how hard you
you have worked for maharaj and i am very confident that you are the right person to help
maharaji.maharaj needs a person like you.many times i thought,when will bhrigu go back to
the goshalla.in the past srinivasa was a total failure to work with maharaj and he has not only
created disturbence to maharaji,but also to many of our godbrothers and godsisters as well as
prabhu (satya narayana) and the jiva institute.after srinivasa left,sobhita has taken his
place,but she also is cheating maharaji and she has no intention to serve maharaj without
personal motive.since she has taken up residence in maharajis goshalla she has continued in
srinivasas footsteps and wrote slandering e mails against prabhu,and the jiva institute.in her
last e mail she also has mentioned that you are a beggar in the jiva institute.i have great hope
that your presence in the goshalla will help to stop all this politics, and all disciples of
maharaj can again become united.this itself will be a great service and if you can accomplish
this(which,i have no doubt) i take the dust of your feet on my head.you,myself and others
know very well,that all this slandering attacks on prabhu and the jiva instituteare baseless and
false.many disciples of maharaj,have been disturbed by this false slandering e mails written
by srinivasa,subhal ajita and now by sobhita and braj bhusan.some disciples have lost
confidence in the jiva institute and even with maharaji, and they have stopped giving
financiel help.there are many misconceptions which some of our godbrothers and godsisters
have about the jiva institute and prabhu and i think, you have to work on that.
i suggest to you,that to bring unity among all maharajis disciples should be your first priority
and this will benefit everyone. the best way to do this, is if you can make the following
statement in your next e mails: that the jiva institute is a branch of maharajis goshalla and
maharaj personally told prabhu to open the jiva institute to teach shastra. that prabhu has a
loving relationship with maharaj and that he is working on all courtcases on behalf of
maharaj and he is also giving financiel help.that all this false slandering e mails written by
srinivasa,subhal,champalataka, ajita, sobhita and braj bhusan are all false and he has condemd
there action. the key to sucsess in your service is very simple, and this is my humble
request,please cooperate with the jiva institue and prabhu.because you are a brahmana.and a
brahmana is allways on the side of the truth.if you have any love for maharaji and
prabhu,than this statements above, are very important in your future e mails and it will bring
not only harmony and unity to all maharajis disciple even the cows and the goshalla will be

111

greatly benefitted. when i come back to vrindavan i bring some special ayurvedic tonic for
you,because you need special strengh for your important seva to maharaj.
thanks for your cooperation
your well wisher,servant and friend
prem nidhi dasa
Date:
From:

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 22:00:09 -0700 (PDT)

"prem nidhi" <pnw108@yahoo.com>

Subject:

re. shobita be careful

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Sub. Shobita the avatar of Srinivas.
Materialistic people try to achieve spiritual upliftment by politicking.
A few years ago, Srinivas, who has been a failure in his life, came to Vrindavan with a plan
to be Maharajas successor. He saw that to achieve this he must get close to Maharaja and
then push away those who are close to Maharaja. He saw Bhrigu, Satya Narayana Dasa and
Hare Krishna baba as his main obstacles. First he made friendship with Hare Krishna baba
and got Bhrigu out. Next he targeted Satya Narayana Dasa and was successful with the help
of Hare Krishna baba. Then he turned against HK baba and managed to throw him out
temporarily. By this time HK baba understood Srinivasas game and he came back. The
result is that Srinivas is back in his den.
When Srinivas was struggling to hang around at Maharajas ashram, in came Shobita from
Chennai, South India . She has serious family problems and no place to go. She saw a good
opportunity to push Srinivas out. So she became friendly with Hare Krishna baba. Now
when Srinivas is out she feared that Satya Narayana Dasa may come back. Therefore, she
cleverly made a scathing attack on Satya Narayana. Being a shrewd politician she shot the
gun from the shoulder of Braja Bhusan who is a little thickheaded to see through her game.
This she blurted out to someone by mistake.
Now she is at loggerheads with Hare Krishna baba for obvious reason. She has become the
personal assistant and translator for Maharaja. Everything is under her control emails,
money transactions, management, etc.
Who is Shobita? Where was she all those years? How come she has become so devoted
suddenly? What is her motive? Is your money reaching Maharaja?
Is history repeating itself?

F
Visnudasa

112

Date:

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 22:53:01 -0700 (PDT)

"Dinesh Singh" <ds_108@yahoo.com>

From:
Subject:

Fwd: Reply from Dharma

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
dharma turri <dharmaturri@yahoo.it> wrote:
Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2007 12:40:00 +0200 (CEST)
From: dharma turri <dharmaturri@yahoo.it>
Subject: Reply from Dharma
To: pnw108@yahoo.com, agrahel@libero.it, asela5963@yahoo.com,bhakti108@web.de,
bhav92@aol.com, bhimal@libero.it, cefrom@web.de,cgm@absamail.co.za,
comfla@libero.it, drchauhan@ayurvedic.org,
ds_108@yahoo.com, dusanka.petrovic@zg.htnet.hr,
edbryant@rci.rutgers.edu,gauranga8@hotmail.com, kushal.duneja@citigroup.com,
gaurav@ndf.vsnl.net.in,
igorr@jps.net, j.skibbe@web.de, janihocevar@yahoo.com,
japesh@rediffmail.com, jean_luisgaucher@hotmail.com,
mahajan108@hotmail.com,kduneja@yahoo.com, navadvipa@yahoo.com,
naynap@wwb.co.za,
pdarabos@bramana.org, pjskibbe@web.de,
raghavadasa@yahoo.com,revatinandan@hotmail.com, rgafrik@hotmail.com,
rk108@colba.net,
sanandana_hsm@yahoo.com, sethimadhu@yahoo.com,
snehansu_mandal@yahoo.co.in,steve@jivs.org, terry@terrycolewhittaker.com,
varsha@headwayc.co.za,
vijaya@md2.vsnl.net.in, shobita58@yahoo.com, a108d@hotmail.com
Only a person without qualities throws bombs and hide the hand. Everybody while hiding can
say anything but what is the value of that? My opinion is that spiritual credit can not be
purchased and when somebody tries to do that it result in failure, then he becomes covered by
envy.
Unknown person, please do not be depressed. , think pink..
Since you want to know as Kamalas husband, I went away from her by my own, due to
my personal matter only, not because of any motive related to Guru, Cows or Satya narayana
Dasa.
I wish you all the best,
Dharma
Date:
From:
Subject:

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 22:55:04 -0700 (PDT)

"Dinesh Singh" <ds_108@yahoo.com>
Fwd: Re: Satya Narayana Dasa

113

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
prem nidhi <pnw108@yahoo.com> wrote:
Date: Sun, 25 Mar 2007 07:32:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: prem nidhi <pnw108@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Satya Narayana Dasa
To: Visnu Dasa <gaurangadasa108@yahoo.co.uk>,
agrahel@libero.it,asela5963@yahoo.com, bhakti108@web.de, bhav92@aol.com,
bhimal@libero.it,cefrom@web.de, cgm@absamail.co.za, comfla@libero.it,
drchauhan@ayurvedic.org, ds_108@yahoo.com,
dusanka.petrovic@zg.htnet.hr,edbryant@rci.rutgers.edu,
gauranga8@hotmail.com,kushal.duneja@citigroup.com, gaurav@ndf.vsnl.net.in,
igorr@jps.net,
j.skibbe@web.de, janihocevar@yahoo.com,
japesh@rediffmail.com,jean_luisgaucher@hotmail.com, mahajan108@hotmail.com,
kduneja@yahoo.com,
navadvipa@yahoo.com, naynap@wwb.co.za, pdarabos@bramana.org,pjskibbe@web.de,
raghavadasa@yahoo.com, revatinandan@hotmail.com,
rgafrik@hotmail.com, rk108@colba.net, sanandana_hsm@yahoo.com,
sethimadhu@yahoo.com, snehansu_mandal@yahoo.co.in, steve@jivs.org,
terry@terrycolewhittaker.com, varsha@headwayc.co.za, vijaya@md2.vsnl.net.in,
zoran.mamula@sympatico.ca, shobita58@yahoo.com, a108d@hotmail.com
to all the devotees
there is no disciple of maharaj with the name of vishnu and his E MAIL ID is a fake account.
this is onother foolish act coming from the kali chelas (so called disciples of maharaj,who are
mundane persons disguised as vaisnavas.
prem nidhi
Date:

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 22:50:32 -0700 (PDT)

"Dinesh Singh" <ds_108@yahoo.com>

From:
Subject:

Fwd: An Appeal to Sensitivity

To:

"Bhrigubatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form

Nava Dvipa <navadvipa@yahoo.com> wrote:

Date: Wed, 28 Mar 2007 22:17:05 -0700 (PDT)
From: Nava Dvipa <navadvipa@yahoo.com>
Subject: An Appeal to Sensitivity
To: Jaya <drsnd@jivs.org>, pnw108@yahoo.com, agrahel@libero.it,asela5963@yahoo.com,
114

bhakti108@web.de, bhav92@aol.com, bhimal@libero.it,

cefrom@web.de, cgm@absamail.co.za, comfla@libero.it,
drchauhan@ayurvedic.org, ds_108@yahoo.com,
dusanka.petrovic@zg.htnet.hr,edbryant@rci.rutgers.edu,
gauranga8@hotmail.com,kushal.duneja@citigroup.com, gaurav@ndf.vsnl.net.in,
igorr@jps.net,
j.skibbe@web.de, janihocevar@yahoo.com,
japesh@rediffmail.com,jean_luisgaucher@hotmail.com, mahajan108@hotmail.com,
kduneja@yahoo.com,
navadvipa@yahoo.com, naynap@wwb.co.za, pdarabos@bramana.org,pjskibbe@web.de,
raghavadasa@yahoo.com, revatinandan@hotmail.com,
rgafrik@hotmail.com, rk108@colba.net, sanandana_hsm@yahoo.com,
sethimadhu@yahoo.com, snehansu_mandal@yahoo.co.in,
steve@jivs.org,terry@terrycolewhittaker.com, varsha@headwayc.co.za,
vijaya@md2.vsnl.net.in,
zoran.mamula@sympatico.ca, shobita58@yahoo.com, a108d@hotmail.com
An appeal to sensitivity
Just yesterday, I opened my email account and found a
ten point blistering attack on Satya Narayana das from
an author calling himself (or herself?) Visnu das.This is the latest of a seemingly endless
barrage of verbial assault inflicted upon Satya Narayana centrally, and other devotees
peripherally, over the last few years. I read it with a mixture of humor and disgust. Humor?
Because the author reverts to such outrageous fabrication that he thereby undermines his own
validity in the minds of whomever it is he seeks to convince. A bit like reading the worst of
the tabloids...the latest Elvis spotting, alien
abductions, and so on. Does anybody really take such
hyper-sensationalized fiction seriously? From the perspective of the wasteland of extreme
postmodern alienation, we may indulge ourselves for a moment in such trivialities just to
sample the flavor of perverse irony. But is not bhakti dealing with another
dimension of reality altogether? Do we not feel both our individual and collective sensitivity
to be brutally raped by such politics of aggression? The momentary humor abruptly
evaporates into a nuclear cloud of despair, spreading everywhere, leaving destruction in its
wake. Is it not evident that we, the whole messed-up family of western Krsna devotees,
have been killing each other, our own brothers and sisters, our own children, our own
husbands and wives, our own teachers, and for the final scene, we can turn the gun on
ourselves and blow our own brains out.There you have it, the ultimate postmodern novel, the
saga of Krsna devotion in the west, typified by this most recent critics lambastation. And
then I am flooded by the remembrance of Maharajaji, a lotus rising above mud and mirky
water, washing over me, reviving me to the beauty and simplicity of the real. Silently and
blissfully engaged in intimate loving service to his Radha-Govinda and his cows, he remains
unknown and unseen by all of us. It is toward that realm that our consciousness is so sweetly,
so compassionately,
invited to turn, yet our taste for the profane seems insatiable. Is a thought ever given as to
why Maharajaji never involves himself in such matters, either in word or deed? He does not
enter that arena, because, as he has told me directly, There are no
politics in bhakti, and no bhakti in politics. Where there are groups there are always politics.
Hence our identification must not be with groups but with the individual unfolding of love for

115

Krsna through individual surrender to guru. Not that we shouldnt, thereby, have any sort of
collective cooperation to
bring good, but that cooperation should arise from a mature, shared vision that supports the
unfolding of consciousness, the blossoming of prema within the individual, rather than
chaining us to conformity, to external beliefs and practices and the mere
maintenance of institutions that solidify the elitist ego--blocking the emergence of prema, or
more immediately, a kind and noble humanitysharply drawing the lines between us and
them.
Maharajaji is the only Gaudiya Vaisnava guru that I have met who is not propagating any sort
of mission, who is utterly free of groups and institutions, and yet is ready to support the
growth of bhakti in each and every individual that approaches him. But we, his so-called
followers, take whatever he says from the limitless expanse of unbounded awareness and love
and immediately plug it into the limited and confining context of the seperate self, the
contracted ego, identified with groups, institutions, and missions, the gross realm, which
alone is available to our
constricted vision. And hence we are compelled to take a position, for or against whatever.
And in so doing we completely miss Maharajajis point that consciousness is meant to dwell
in the realm of seva, a sacred and private space within the heart of the individual which he
alone is qualified to determine and shape. So, why, having come under his shelter, is our gaze
still so obssesively intent upon the other, with what everyone else is doing wrong, still
measuring ourselves against all and everyone using the yardstick of externally imposed
criteria? And why
single out Satya Narayana for this indictment? I believe that each and every one of us falls
well short of the actual standard of surrender and discipleship that Maharajaji alone can set.
This is precisely why he claims not to have any disciples. But that alone
does not render futile the individual ways we are inspired to create a field of seva in which
the self is offered to him, and along with it, the very best of the talents and capibilities given
to us by God. Is Satya Narayana not to be accorded the same dignity of serving in the way he
personally feels inspired, a
dignity we hope is available to all of us? If the answer to this question is no, then all of us are
simply engaged in one massive deviation from guru-seva, with virtually no course available
for
redemption. No one is spared. If the critics general
observations (not the fabricated accusations of licentious behavior) are true for Satya
Narayana, they are true for all of us. Is it not time that we allow all others simply to be,
honoring whatever sincerity is available to them at the present level, which alone is the
stepping ground from which further progress
must necessarily proceed? In writing any sort of response, I had to first consider whether to
respond at all was to be pulled in
to the same circle of criticism and politics to which Maharajji remains aloof and silent. And I
would like to point out the fact that Satya Narayana, who has been subjected to repeated
abuse from the same people he introduced to Maharajaji, has also remained silent, quietly
going about his seva in the midst of
excrutiating character assasinations. To me this admirable behavior seems much more in
resonance with the mood and awareness of Maharajaji. How would the rest of us fare if a
similar attack were launched against any of us? Perhaps we should conclude that to share
teachings with others in any form is to create something seperate in interest from our guru.
Returning to the point of discussion, however, the question remains, why respond to the

116

criticism at all? Meditating on this for some time, it became clear that the only appropriate
response, other than the ultimate ground of silence from which all praise and blame surface
and disappear like bubbles on the ocean, is to support the cleansing of the field of criticism
itself. That is why this disclosure is not a response to Visnu das specific allegations, nor to
others that have appeared before, but to the pathological mental space that is the breeding
ground of all criticism to begin with--the ground that Maharajaji declares to
have nothing at all to do with bhakti. For the same reason, I have chosen not to defend Satya
Narayanas character, even though I have tremendous regard for him, having lived here in
Vrindavan and observed him for eighteen years, during which time I have seen just about
everything on display from the freekshow of the
disjointed Krsna community. I have simply accorded Satya Narayana the same respect as a
human being that I would like for myself, the same that I attempt to extend to all others.
When bhakti moves from group belongingness and conformirty to roles and belief, to
individual integrity and authenticity, ones gaze no longer falls upon the other. Why judge
others at all when there is so much within my own being that awaits discrimination,
purification and letting go? And if we too hope to be acknowledged for whatever sincerity we
may have, inspite of our gaps and limitations, how can we not value the good we see in
others, inspite of gaps and limitations? If this is not the spirit in
which Maharajaji is moved, how, indeed, have any of us been accepted by him for diksa?
And so the real purpose of my writing this is to bring awareness of Maharjaji himself, the
spirit of generosity and seva he awaits for us to embrace, in contrast to the field of criticism.
In concluding this, however, I find my
objectivity slipping away, and a tear falls as I think of the critics rape of two sincere sisters,
Jaya and Kamala, whose only fault is what? to feel love for a devotee to whom they are
dedicated? And for this you label them as prostitutes, lost in sexual scandal? How dare you,
Visnu das! How dare you? How dare all of us who turn our backs on the sacred ground of
seva that Maharajaji patiently tries to inculcate in us, to dwell in such putrid soil!
Om, Shanti, Shanti, Shanti,
Hari, Om
Naavadvipa dasa

Date:
From:

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 20:44:54 -0700 (PDT)

"Dinesh Singh" <ds_108@yahoo.com>

Subject:

Fwd: Satya Narayana Dasa

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of FormVisnu Dasa <gaurangadasa108@yahoo.co.uk> wrote:
Date: Fri, 23 Mar 2007 07:36:01 +0000 (GMT)
From: Visnu Dasa <gaurangadasa108@yahoo.co.uk>
Subject: Satya Narayana Dasa
To: pnw108@yahoo.com, agrahel@libero.it, asela5963@yahoo.com,bhakti108@web.de,
bhav92@aol.com, bhimal@libero.it, cefrom@web.de,cgm@absamail.co.za,

117

comfla@libero.it, drchauhan@ayurvedic.org,
ds_108@yahoo.com, dusanka.petrovic@zg.htnet.hr,
edbryant@rci.rutgers.edu,gauranga8@hotmail.com, kushal.duneja@citigroup.com,
gaurav@ndf.vsnl.net.in,
igorr@jps.net, j.skibbe@web.de, janihocevar@yahoo.com,
japesh@rediffmail.com, jean_luisgaucher@hotmail.com,
mahajan108@hotmail.com,kduneja@yahoo.com, navadvipa@yahoo.com,
naynap@wwb.co.za,
pdarabos@bramana.org, pjskibbe@web.de,
raghavadasa@yahoo.com,revatinandan@hotmail.com, rgafrik@hotmail.com,
rk108@colba.net,
sanandana_hsm@yahoo.com, sethimadhu@yahoo.com,
snehansu_mandal@yahoo.co.in,steve@jivs.org,
terry@terrycolewhittaker.com,varsha@headwayc.co.za,
vijaya@md2.vsnl.net.in, zoran.mamula@sympatico.ca,
shobita58@yahoo.com,a108d@hotmail.com
Once when Mahaprabhu was in Vrindavan, people claimed to have spotted a light dancing on
river Yamuna and thought it to be Krishna dancing on Kaliya serpent. When his associates
wanted to go to the river and see this 'miracle' Chaitnaya Mahaprabhu instructed us to think
and avoid being fooled by cheaters.Satya Narayana Dasa - SND - is a cheat and he has used
'politics' as an excuse to hide his cheating and failure to serve Maharajji. We have to think
and avoid being cheated. Here are 10 points that reveal SND cheating, lying, womanizing and
sexual activities:
1. SND claims Maharaji to be fooled by politics created by Srinivasand others. How is this
possible? Is Maharajji so naive to be led away by such people and to shun SND? No;
Maharaji is the most knowledgeable to be led away by such things. Indeed Maharaj ji can see
truth for lies and that is why he is extremely upset with SND who makes a show of following
Guru while following his own personal goals. Politics is the cover SND uses to hide his own
cheating and his own failure to serve Krishna and Guru. SND is very cunning and capable
and able to convince many of his sincerity while the truth is Maharaj ji kicked SND out
because of his bad behaviour, like Mahaprabhu rejected Chota Haridas.
2. Maharaji is devoted to cows. His every moment is spent on
serving the cows lovingly. He always asks, especially western devotees, to help by
contributing money for Goseva. Has SND ever asked for money to help the Goshala?
Actually SND has stolen money meant for goseva and used it for his personal goals
(property, mafia, bribes). How can a true, senior disciple of Maharajji be away from cows,
not have any attachment for the Cows. Even the Website created by SND is meant only for
his own glory. SND takes credit for serving the cows but we know
that is a lie.
3. SND has seduced many women and Kamala and Jaya are his most loyal. They both have
illicit relations with him. They consider SND has their Guru. They are completely blinded by
him, a womanizer. Kamala paid for his trips to Europe. Jaya paid for the computers and other
things. All this when Maharaji was struggling to build a new goshala, and took loans to buy
Maharaji's car. Kamala's husband left her because Kamala often tries to have sex with SND
while, Jaya, younger and more attractive has sexual relations with SND. Look at Jaya, she
has changed so much, lost weight become more careful about her appearance for SND
pleasure. She even moved to a room

118

next to SND but it became very obvious so moved back.

Kamala is very jealous of SND attention to Jaya and they often fight, SND takes advantage of
it.
4. SND lives very comfortably; His women make juice for him,
prepare laxatives for his constant constipation, wash his dirty laundry including underwear
etc. Is this the nature of a Babaji? A disciple is disciple when he follows in deed and words
his Guru. Maharaj ji washes his own clothes. Takes very little service for himself, eats a
simple meal. If someone asks what service they can do Mahrajji always says serve cows and
not him.
5. Bhrigu: Why has SND kept him in his aashram while Maharaji had kicked Bhrigu out?
Why did he not bring Bhrigu to Jiva first when Maharaji kicked him out, only after Bhrigu
had suffered so much. SND only brought Bhrigu with him after he too (SND) had been
kicked out and not because of any mercy, or pity for Brigu. Bhrigu who now lives at JIVA
like a beggar, eating his food, has become SND slave. SND named Brigu and Jaya on his new
book so he can keep them in his trap.
6. Srinivas is gone, why has SND not returned? How can Srinivas prevent SND from service?
Srinivas has his own issues and SND has manipulated this to his own advantage and blamed
Srinivas so he can hide his own terrible actions.
7. SND has built a huge building; he has used money meant for
Subals building for his building. Look at the materials used on JIVA 3rd floor - these are
stolen from Subal and Champaklata. SND also stole money. They trusted him and only found
out of the theft when they tried to sell their flats and found out the cost of the building is
much less than what they had sent SND. SND deliberately got them trapped and then made
sure that building would not be completed so he could steal their property. If this is hard to
believe, then know that the land on parikrama marg is only in SND name not it any trust etc.
It is his personal property. Wow what a great Babaji. SND is the mafia otherwise why would
Mafia let SND get away with this valuable property. SND has
used Subals money to bribe officials and become powerful.
8. Babaji - Does SND live like a Babaji? Has he kept his babaji
vows? SND is very ambitious, like Dhrithrastra (Duryodhana's father) who was blind. SND
compares himself to other devotees who live outside and serve Maharajji and considers it ok
for him to do the same. But the other disciples have not taken the Babaji vows, like he has
and do not live on charity like he does and misues hard earned money sent as donations for
his own power and ambitions.
9. His family, his brothers have become tired of the disrespect and bad reputation they have
got because of SND fall down. They are honest businessmen but because they are associated
with SND they have been accused of so many bad things done by SND. Why was the JIVA
site split and now SND has his own site JIVS? - this is only one example. His elder brother
knows about SND sexual relations and condemned it fully.
10. SND learnt from Maharaji and spat on his face. SND is a complete tragedy. He is
intelligent, wise but very wicked. He is only worried about his own Ego and getting the glory
from publishing books because that has always been his own personal goal. He used Maharaj
ji and not the other way round, as he claims. You are intelligent, think for yourself. Even
Krishna cannot help if you decide to close your eyes; he will help you fix your faith on
whatever path you choose. If SND was sincere, Maharaji would not have kicked him out.
SND could not take the insult of being kicked out so stopped helping but still talks nicely
about Maharaji because if he doesn't he will be criticised. But we know a disciple who does

119

not serve Guru is no disciple.Maharajji is no fool and can see SND for the liar, cheat,
womanizer that he really is.

Section-two
Srinivasa Acharya Bellamkonda
(B.Shrinivas)
Date:

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 07:41:25 +0100 (BST)

From:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: Self revelation

"Srinivasa Acharya Bellamkonda" <gvala_srinivas@yahoo.com>

To:
Top of Form

Bottom of Form
Jai ShriGuruji ki
Dear brother,
I am very happy for your positive responce. Please if possibe then you ask e-mail ID of
Kishor and Madhusudan also.
Out of my previous offences I am feeling really weak and dry in my heart. I want getride of
that. You can make them ready for e-mail ID. They cant deny your request.
Your fallen younger Brother,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
Date:
From:

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 02:35:59 -0700 (PDT)

"Srinivasa Acharya Bellamkonda" <gvala_srinivas@yahoo.com>

Subject:

Re: Self revelation

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Dear Bhrigu,
I read your second mail too. i cannot believed that you have changed so much. The letter was
really moving. i can see that you are now in a better position to take care of sri maharaj-ji and
the cows. I am glad that there is someone to take care of sri maharaj-ji and the ashram in my

120

absence. I might have to stay for some more time till I get some work done for sri maharaj-ji's
service. My worry is about the
growing number of cows. We need to create a strong base for service otherwise we will have
greater trouble protecting them. Shekhar is already getting your mails. santosh does not have
the e-mail id. I will take permission from
Pradeep Reddy before sending you his id. I think that is proper.
With love
Srinivasa Acharya.
--- Bhrigunatha Mishra <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>
wrote:
Radhe Shyam,
Dear Brother,
Thanks for your support.
I want to sent self revelation mail to Pradeep Reddy, Santosh and Chandrashekharji because
in past I critisised them. This critisism is a heavy vaisnava aparadha. I want to getride from
that. Please help me by providing their e-mail ID.Your so called, fallen younger brother
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
Srinivasa Acharya Bellamkonda
> <gvala_srinivas@yahoo.com> wrote:
Dear Bhrigu,
I am touched by your mail. I can understand what you might be going through and the urge in
you to express you heart to us.There is no need to feel so bad about anything. You are like
our younger brother. Even though there were times when we too felt like staying away from
you,
but now when we see you back in Sri maharaj-ji's service we automatically feel very glad for
you. Sri Maharaj-ji is on a completely different platform and it is very difficult to grasp his
teaching and actions for those who do not have his kind of background. Being in ignorance
and cultured bymodernity everyone of us has confusion about sri Maharaj-ji at some stage or
the other and this leads to aparadhas. When we realize this we all repent silently and try very
hard not to repeat the same mistakes. And only by the mercy of Sri Maharaj-ji and Lord
Krishna we may get over these aparadhas.
It is not that we only have bad memories about you.We are also proud of your courage and
the entent to which you have gone in protecting the goshala and other possessions of Sri
Maharaj-ji.Keep improving your service of sri maharaj-ji. We are
all with you.
I am coming soon to give some good news to Sri
Maharaj-ji. Tell him that he will be very soon free from all anxiety regarding the goshala.
And keep in touch.
With love
Srinivasa Acharya.
Section-three

From:

"bhakti devi" <bhakti_devi1116@hotmail.com

121

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Subject:

your revelations

Date:

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 12:16:21 +0530

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
dear bhrigu
i agree with other devotees that you should not immitate guru maharaj by giving big lectures
to his disciples.that is not your job.we are all coming every year to vrindavan to have darshan
of guruji and we like to hear his katha on bhakti translated by shobita.there is no need for
you, to waste your and our time on philosophie which has to come from maharaji.this is the
process
and the ettiqete .even maharaji has said that we should only hear from him.so what is your
motive?if you want to apologise,please send your mails to guruji he will help and guide you?
dont make a big show to everybody,you only make a fool out yourself.
From:

"bhakti devi" <bhakti_devi1116@hotmail.com>

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Subject:

re your revelations

Date:

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 18:13:22 +0530

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
hallo bhrigu
regarding your revelations i agree with other devotees,that you should not immitate guru
maharaj by giving big lectures.we are all coming every year to vrindavan to have darshan of
guruji and
we will hear his katha on bhakti translated by shobita.there is no need for you to waste your
and our time on philosophie which has to come from guruji.what is your motive? if you want
to apologise please go to maharaji and dont make a big show by writing e mails to
everybody,you only make a fool out yourself.
haribol

bhakti

From:

"bhakti devi" <bhakti_devi1116@hotmail.com>

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Subject:

re. your revelations

Date:

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 17:39:35 +0530

Top of Form
Bottom of Form

122

hallo bhrigu
i agree with other disciples that you should not imitate maharaji.in our sampradaya only the
guru should preach.i think from your iskcon past you still have this habbit of trying
influencing other devotees.i think you best live it up to maharaji to communicate to us.dont
make a fool out yourself.we had enough from srinivasa ec. they talk exactly like you.
haribol

Date:

bhakti

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 12:23:08 +0100 (BST)

"atmarama wolf" <atmaramamuni@yahoo.co.in>

From:
Subject:

thanks for your mails

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
to all disiples of maharaj
dear bhrigu
thank you for your mail.but you simply waste your time with all this long e mails..every year
we come to maharajis goshalla and shobita will translate for us,and guruji will speak and we
will listen this is the process,to hear from the guru.are you a guru?.we dont think so.please
dont waste your time by giving us big lectures,try to concentrate on your service and sadhana
and dont worry about others.als this revelation are only pep talk.
hope you dont mind revealing my thoughts on your mails
atmarama
Date:

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 12:12:07 +0100 (BST)

"atmarama wolf" <atmaramamuni@yahoo.co.in>

From:
Subject:

thanks for your revelations

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
to all disciples of maharaj
dear bhrigu prabhu
thanks very much for your revelatoins,but you simply waste your time.we are all coming to
maharajis classes every year and shobita will translate for us.there is no need to give us big
lectures,because you are not the guru.you revelationletters are all pep talk.please concentrate
on your sadhana and dont
imitate maharaji.

123

thank you reading my mail

Date:

atmarama

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 12:12:07 +0100 (BST)

"atmarama wolf" <atmaramamuni@yahoo.co.in>

From:
Subject:

thanks for your revelations

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
to all disciples of maharaj
dear bhrigu prabhu
thanks very much for your revelatoins,but you simply waste your time.we are all coming to
maharajis classes every year and shobita will translate for us.there is no need to give us big
lectures,because you are not the guru.you revelationletters are all pep talk.please concentrate
on your sadhana and dont
imitate maharaji.
thank you reading my mail

Date:

atmarama

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 12:09:53 +0100 (BST)

"atmarama wolf" <atmaramamuni@yahoo.co.in>

From:
Subject:

thanks for your revelations

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
to all disciples of maharaj
dear bhrigu prabhu
thanks very much for your revelatoins,but you simply waste your time.we are all coming to
maharajis classes every year and shobita will translate for us.there is no need to give us big
lectures,because you are not the guru.you revelationletters are all pep talk.please concentrate
on your sadhana and dont
imitate maharaji.
thank you reading my mail
Date:
From:

atmarama

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 11:52:13 +0100 (BST)

"govinda hari" <govindahari_bol@yahoo.co.in>

124

Subject:

re .your offences

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
hare krischna
we all know about go seva. there is no need to preach to us.first you want to speak only
about your offences and now you want to give us big lectures. if i want to know about bhakti
than i will go to guruji or satya narayana. they are qualified to speak on bhakti.we dont need a
mental midget.
with regards govinda
Date:

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 11:06:57 +0100 (BST)

"rohini dasa" <rohini_dasa@yahoo.co.in

From:
Subject:

your revelations

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
to all the devotees
what is the purpose of all your relevations? i think you want to promote yourself a the most
and best disciples of maharaj.this is what it looks to me.if you have committed offences
towards maharaj there is no need to reveal it to us.this is something between you and
maharaj,there is no need to make a show in front of the whole world.jiva gosvami has written
in his sandharbas,that what ever realisation you have on the path of bhakti, keep it for your
self and dont advertise.this e mails from you about you revelations means only one thing:
its only about you.

125

Section-four Bottom of Form

From:

"Stipica Grgic" <stipica.grgic@du.htnet.hr>

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Subject:

Re: Self revelation

Date:

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 23:24:11 +0200

Top of Form
Bottom of FormRadhe Radhe!
Dear Bhrigu-ji,
may I kindly ask you that you include me also, next time you will send this very interesting
and important confessions of yours...
You may possibly not know by my name, but I'm the guy from Croatia that you have
borrowed your bicycle (with green seat?) when I was at Jiva in Vrindavan this March,
remember me?
Best regards from Croatia,
Stipica Grgic
From:

"Stipica Grgic" <stipica.grgic@du.t-com.hr>

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: Self revelation

Date:

Mon, 25 Jun 2007 17:08:37 +0200

Top of Form

126

Bottom of FormRadhe Radhe!

Dear Brother,
well I'm fine.
I'm sorry I didn' reply right away. Reason for that is that my computer was broken so I had no
access to e-mail for one week. How are you?
Here in Croatia weather is getting hot, how about the Vrindavan?
Are you visting Maharaj-ji in Goshala often?
How is He? Can He tolerate the heat? How are his legs?
Please tell me everything you know...
Best regards,
Stipica
From:

annabastida@att.net

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: Self revelation .

Date:

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 19:59:33 +0000

Top of Form
Bottom of FormJaya Radhe!
I am Anna from Alabama, USA, aspiring to learn Gaudiya Vaisnavism and hope to someday
be given diksa.Are you the same Bhrigu that I met while staying at Jiva Institute?
Thank you for sharing your very personal experiences with us. You seem very sincere and I
know it takes great strength to be so open sharing like you are because you become
vulnerable to other's opinions of yourself.
Sharing is very healing. I hope other's apreciate you and are not critical. Just remember what
goes on in someone else's brain is not your problem. - not including Guru of course. I am
trying to learn this whole concept of pleasing Guru while still not denying oneself in an
unhealthy way.
Best to you,
Hope to be your God- sister,
Anna
Subject:

Re: Self revelation-5

Date:

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 20:32:35 +0200

From:

"Duneja, Kushal " <kushal.duneja@citi.com>

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Wonderful......
Regards,
Kushal Duneja
+27 83 940 9100 (mobile)
+27 11 944 0823 (desk)

127

x 65914 (IP)
-----Original Message----From: Bhrigunatha Mishra <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>
To: Duneja, Kushal [GWM-CIR]
Sent: Fri Jul 20 18:43:08 2007
Subject: RE: Self revelation-5
Dear Kushalji! Namaste,
I am very happy that you like 5th mail related to cow service.
In future I will wright more on this topic.
Yours sincerely,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
Subject:

RE: Self revelation-5

Date:

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 09:06:26 +0200

From:

"Duneja, Kushal " <kushal.duneja@citi.com>

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
very good email.
Thank you,
Kushal
Date:

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 21:34:39 -0700 (PDT)

"Ajith, IITM" <ajith.iitm@yahoo.com>

From:
Subject:

Re: Deity worship - your advice

To:

Japesh.Bandyopadhyay@telcon.co.in

CC:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>, "Dinesh"

<dineshsingh@huawei.com>, "Dinesh" <ds_108@hathway.com>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Dear Japesh,
Yes, full-fledged Deity seva will require much greater commitment... since we are working
outside the home, that may not be possible now. Also we must have other male members who
can do the seva if we are travelling, or fall sick. But still I thought that we can do at some
level...as much as possible.... In the iskcon understanding, worshipping the Lord's arcavigraha is very strict, but there is some leniency in worshipping a photo of the Deity or some

128

picture of the Lord. For example, you can carry the picture with you when you travel and
worship in a hotel room. I want to know the proper Gaudiya understanding on all these
matters too.
regards,
Ajith
Japesh.Bandyopadhyay@telcon.co.in wrote:
Dear Ajith,
We do a very simple deity worship, in which we offer flowers and Tulasi leaves as advised
by Gurudeva during diksha. It is our dream to have full-fledged deity worship at home. This
requires a lot of commitment in terms of time. We are not sure when we will be able to fulfill
this dream.
Bhrigu, we are looking forward to your next mail.
Radhe! Radhe!
Japesh

"Ajith, IITM"
<ajithkumar108@yahoo.com>
07/21/07 08:44 AM
Please respond to
ajith.iitm@yahoo.com

To

Bhrigunatha Mishra
<bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>, Japesh
<japesh.bandyopadhyay@telcon.co.in>,
Dinesh <dineshsingh@huawei.com>, Dinesh
<ds_108@hathway.com>

cc
Subject Deity worship - your advice

Dear Bhrigu, Japesh and Dinesh,

I want to begin puja of the Lord (in picture form) at home. While at ISKCON I was
doing according to the traditional Shodasha-Upachara system where 16 items are
offered in sequence to the Lord, accompanied by various mantras and mudras.
ISKCON's method has been adopted from Narada-pancharatra, to the best of my
knowledge. I wish to know the system of doing the same in our sampradaya, so I can
learn and follow it at home. Please tell me if you know...
Bhrigu, your write up on go-seva was very informative. Please write whenever possible
for you.
Thanks,
Jai Shri Radhe...!
Ajith.
To:
CC:

ajith.iitm@yahoo.com
"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>, "Dinesh"
<dineshsingh@huawei.com>, "Dinesh" <ds_108@hathway.com>

129

Subject:

Re: Self Revelation - 4

From:

Japesh.Bandyopadhyay@telcon.co.in

Date:

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 09:15:55 +0530

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
The mails of Bhrigu are great. They are actually helping us to know Sri Guru Maharaj better.
They have helped me in realizing the urgency of serving Sri Maharaj. We are simply
wasting time if we are not getting connected to Maharajji.
Today is Lord Jagannath's Rath Yatra. Live webcast of the rathyatra is available on
http://www.rathjatra.nic.in
Radhe! Radhe!
Date:
From:

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 19:39:56 -0700 (PDT)

"Ajith, IITM" <ajith.iitm@yahoo.com>

Subject:

Re: Self Revelation - 4

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>, "Japesh"

<japesh.bandyopadhyay@telcon.co.in>, "Dinesh" <dineshsingh@huawei.com>,
"Dinesh" <ds_108@hathway.com>

Top of Form
Bottom of FormDear Bhrigu,
Radhe...! I just got to read your 4th self-revelation mail, as I was busy the whole of last week,
and each of your mails is quite long, like a chapter in a book...! But, although your mails are
long, I am able to get a glimpse into how a devotee struggles to get fixed in the path of
bhakti. Do keep writing and sharing your experiences with us.
Considering that it is not possible for us to stay in Vrindavan and serve Maharajji like you are
doing, please suggest some ways that we can do seva and please him. What are your ideas?
Japesh and Dinesh, please give your ideas too.
Radhe Radhe...!
Ajith.
Date:

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 19:10:44 -0700 (PDT)

From:

"Ajith, IITM" <ajith.iitm@yahoo.com>

Subject:

Radhe..!

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>, "Dinesh"

<dineshsingh@huawei.com>, "Dinesh" <ds_108@hathway.com>, "Japesh"
<japesh.bandyopadhyay@telcon.co.in>

130

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Dear Bhrgu,
Thanks for sending these mails. I know that you have an extremely tight work schedule, but
you are taking time to write your personal experiences in devotional service. By reading your
mails, I feel more eager to personally meet and speak to Maharajji and try to understand
different things from him. I remember that Japesh too encouraged me to do the same and I am
grateful to him for that.
Please continue with your story, and after you complete it, please also share your
understanding and perceptions on how one's conduct must be with guru. Do write more.
Radhe Radhe...!
Ajith
Date:

Wed, 4 Jul 2007 13:12:24 +0200

From:

"Jan Klapis" <jklapis@gmail.com>

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Subject:

Re: New Private Message has arrived

Top of Form
Bottom of FormDear Bhriguji
I am glad you received my email. Yes, we can discuss everything together in Vrindavan. I
can't wait to get there.
As for the forgiving part, I am not sure if I am the one who should forgive, but if so, then
know that I hold no negative feelings for you. Quite the contrary, I am very happy that you
show so much affection for Maharajji. Also, I am very pleased about the fact that your
revelation might help to improve relationships among Maharajji's sisyas.
I hope your finger will soon get better and you will be able to write with more ease.
I am looking forward to your next installment as well as meeting you in person.
Hari Hari
Braj
Date:
From:

Fri, 6 Jul 2007 19:10:22 -0700 (PDT)

"madhu haribol" <madhubarsana@yahoo.com>

Subject:

your god brother

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Hari bol brighu ji,
I am one of your God brothers .
I am now in the united states.
I came to know about your story of how you could live up to your vaishnava principles and
how you could gain Maharj ji s blessings.
I am really proud of your determination to stay as a vaishnava.

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you can write to me on this email id.

Hari Hari
Madhu
Date:

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 01:15:29 -0700 (PDT)

"Robert Gafrik" <rgafrik@yahoo.com>

From:
Subject:

Re:

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Radhe Radhe, dear Bhriguji,
I have received all your mails and I enjoy very much your style. You have been able to tell
your story and connect everything with our philosophy very nicely. At the same time our self
revelation is very instructive and inspiring.
In the forum there is a section which is available only for Maharaja's disciples. Nobody from
outside can view or post in this section. It may be a good place to start a discussion there. It is
an open place for all Maharaja's disciples. When Braja Bhushan started the forum, he tried to
win as many disciples as possible but quite a lot refused to participate. The split into Satya
Narayana's and Srinivasa's group had an impact on this.
saM gachadhvaM saM vadadhvaM saM vo manAMsi jAnatAm
devAbhAagaM yathA pUrve saMjAnAnA upAsate
Krishnadasa
Date:
From:
To:

Sat, 7 Jul 2007 05:33:00 -0700 (PDT)

"Robert Gafrik" <rgafrik@yahoo.com>
bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Top of Form
Bottom of Form
Namaste, dear Bhrigu,
I read your self-revelation and it was very inspiring. I am happy to hear that you have been
able to restore your relationship with your Gurudeva. It is also undoubtedly beneficient that
you have started explaining how the things really are. Since I am not Sastri Maharaja's
disciple, I am hesitant to engage in talks about the relations among you. However, I am
confident that better communication, which would entail self-revelations similar to yours,
can help improve the relations among you and unite you in the service to your Guru.
My dear friend Braja Bhushan Das (he is coming to Vrindaban in a few days!) told me this
morming on the phone that you have registered at uttama-bhakti.org. This is great.
Unfortunately, the forums have been quite dormant recently. Devotees are a bit reluctant to
post something (they are often very busy, I know). Nevertheless, the forums are a very good

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way of preaching, of sharing one's insights into philosophy, and of coordinating seva. It helps
create a sense of community, of mutual interconnectedness.
Looking forward to hearing from you again,
Krishnadasa

From:

"Zoran Mamula" <zoran.mamula@look.ca>

To:

bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in

Date:

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 21:43:00 -0400

Subject:

the letter

Top of Form
Bottom of FormDear Bhrigunatha Das ji,
Hare Krsna!
My name is Govinda das, I'm from Toronto, I got diksa in 2004 in November, you may
remember me.
Could you please include my email to the list, I'd also like to get your story. Thank you
for sharing this with us.
ys
Govinda das

Top of Form
Date:
From:

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 05:58:00 -0700 (PDT)

"Nava Dvipa" <navadvipa@yahoo.com>

Subject:

Re:

To:

"Bhrigunatha Mishra" <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>

Top of Form
Bottom of FormDear Brother,
I am inspired by the movement of consciousness that I am now beholding in you, that is the
same movement that dictated the words in my letter (An Appeal to Sensitivity), a movement
whose source lies in the infinite wisdom and causeless compassion of Maharajaji for all those
who seek his shelter, however imperfectly we may do so. I appreciate, in particular, your
courage to openly tell your own story, to disclose your own defect, to clear the path of
surrender, both individually and collectively. And there is nothing shameful in your story, in
a higher objective sense, no permanent stain on your soul. Your story is the story of each of
us, of the baddha-jiva, and the long road of purification (long because we make it long), of
being stripped away, layer by layer,
of ego, of all that is not pure self. Much of the timewe are barely conscious of what is really
going on, but Maharajaji, causelessly, selflessly, lovingly, provides the support for this
dismantling of ego, and

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the emergence of pure bhava in the receptive heart of unconditioned awareness. How much
more love can a soul demonstrate?
I will have more to share with you later, as I am a bit short on time for correspondence at
present. There are many subtle points deserving of reflection in regard to guru-nishta, in
particular, how it grows in the individual in an authentic, non-imitative way.
Take care and courage from our beloved Guruji.
Nav
--- Bhrigunatha Mishra <bhrigunatha@yahoo.co.in>
wrote:
||
ShriShriGauraGadadharau Vijayetam||
Dear Brother,
I am feeling very glad to giving you information that I got a chance again to
practise Krishna consciousness with Maharajaji. Now I am staying with Maharajaji since 15
days. I realise my mistakes. I am ready to remove that. I read your latter "an appeal for
sensitivity". My realisations is also
same. Studying your mail "an appeal for sensitivity" and my last 11years experiences about
Kalidaha, Jiva Institute, our god-brothers, sisters and myself I reached on following
conclusion: 1- The purpose of Bhagavata dharma is to bring peace and love in Guru and
disciples, wife and husband, society etc. But what is the present situation we know.
2- Root cause of all problem among us is it that we are not Gurunistha.
3- Problem can be solved very easily if we become Gurunistha. It is really impossible that
everybody will become Gurunistha. But those person who are leaders of Maharajaji's
disciples for example Dr Satyanarayana Dasa, Dr Srinivasa, you, I myself and others they
must become gurunistha. Without becoming Gurunistha problem mention in your mail can
not be solved.
To solve the problem, your mail "An appeal for sensitivity" is a starting because Lord
Krishna is appearing in your mind. Otherwise it is imposible to think like that what you write
in your mail. For second step I am going to to do something. I will write some mails to our
god-brother about the personality of Maharajajis, Dr Satyanarayana Dasa, I myself, godbrother and others, what I experience in last 11 years. Whole story will present the causeless
mercy of a Guruji on his ignorant,cruel and so called devotee, and a starting for comon
understanding to surrender and unity.
Dear brother the number of cow is increasing , there is no proper system of funding and
service. Remember, In your mail you said about
the Maharajaji's ideology of cow service. If we will not unite, not become Gurunistha then
how Maharajaji will maintain alone in future. We will be responsible for all. Maharajaji is
now saying that know true and false separately without any mixture, and unite to continue the
service of cow, Sri RadhaGovindGauraGadadhara, Indian traditional culture.
I am requesting to you that you take my mail seriously and advise me that what and how we
can unite and serve to Maharajajis.
I am waiting for your reply.
Your god brother
Bhrigunatha Mishra
Mob: 09837172853

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jklapis
From: Braja Bhushan das
To:

Bhrigunatha Mishra

Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2007 4:20 pm

Subject: Hari Hari
Dear Bhriguji
I just wanted to tell you that I was very happy to read your last email and I cannot wait to get
to Vrindavan. The way you described Maharajji's mercy was just wonderful ...
Hoping to see you soon,
Braj

From:

Braja Bhushan das

To:

Bhrigunatha Mishra

Posted: Mon Jul 02, 2007 7:05 pm

Subject: Hari Hari
Dear Bhriguji
I am very happy to have the opportunity to write to you. In fact, I wanted to do so after the
last instalment of your self-revelation email series, but as you have registered here, I will use
this moment NOW for telling you what I intended to do later.
I guess you don't know much, if anything, about me. I am not going to write about myself, as
you can read the basic info in the forum. Also, I am coming to Maharajji's place in 10 days
(for one month) so I think I will be able to talk to you in person.
Anyway, I would like to thank you a lot for the mentioned email series. It really helped me to
think much about my relationship to Maharajji and about my view of bhakti, and only
reinforced my decision to talk to Maharajji in person and try to establish a relationship with
him.
I am saying this because so far I haven't managed to do so. When I was in Vrindava to take
diksa (February 2005) I just took it and went away, with no closer contact. Now I have learnt
a bit of Hindi which I hope will help me bridge the gap between me and my guruji.
Moreover, having read your emails I have concluded that in my case there might also have
been some hints of aparadha in terms of taking Maharajji as an ordinary person, even though
I think it was just some glimpses and not a permanent bhava. In any case, I would like to be

135

with Maharajji and discuss all this with him. So, once more, thanks a lot for helping me in
this regard. I can't wait to read your next installment.
As for the forums, I am really thrilled you have registered here. As I am a close friend of
Krishna das, I know from him that you don't like Internet and similar things - the more I am
amazed that you have come to these forums. Sadly, they haven't been visited by devotees for
quite a long time - nobody, apart from Govinda das, Vrajesvari dasi and Krishna das, seems
to be interested, even though about 28 people have registered. You know, I have created this
place for the devotees to come together (you expressed it nicely with Maharajji's words:
milkar raho, milkar kam karo) but it seems the idea hasn't been successful
Anyway, I have activated your access to all the forums which are hidden for public, so you
might spend some time reading that, and then we will see. I hope to talk about this to you in
Vrindavan.
By the way, what is the situation like at goshala? In your emails, you said something like 'till
the situation at Maharajji's place improves' - does it mean there are some problems?
OK, I have been talking long enough. Once again, let me express my joy that I could write to
you and establish contact with you.
Hari Hari
Braja Bhushan das

Srinivas
You may know him by any one of these names: Srinivas Acharya, B. Srinivas Acharya,
Bellamkonda Srinivas Acharya ji.
As I have mentioned earlier, he made me his first target when he wanted to get hold of the
ashram of Maharaj ji. When he found that I was not getting entangled in his plot, he, at an
opportune moment, sent a false message to Maharaj ji through Sri Hare Krishna Das Baba
that I was planning to kidnap and murder him. Subsequently, according to him, I was
planning to take possession of Maharaj jis ashram illegally. At that time Maharaj ji was
admitted in Kailash Hospital at Noida and had just been operated upon. This stonehearted
Srinivas did not have any feeling of compassion. Thus it was the first guru-dakshina that he
gave to Maharaj ji. This man is harder than stone.
If you happen to hear him speak you will find that he often talks about post-modern era and
its disintegration. He constantly reads literature pertaining to this and his activities are
influenced by what he reads. Post modernity is a kind of materialism. All his religiosity is a
mere show. He actually wants to fulfill his materialistic goals through this. He never asks
Maharaj ji what he is supposed to do. He makes plans according to his personal goals,
presents them to Maharaj ji and tries to get some kind of permission from him to go ahead.

136

Look at his pretense. He wants to work in the state of Andhra Pradesh independent of the
directions of anybody in the name of go-seva and wants to earn money. He wants to
construct a temple there and wants to appoint some other disciple of Maharaj ji as the priest.
But the code of conduct says that he himself worship the deities. He wants to fool others by
having his name connected with that of Maharaj ji. He wants to earn name and fame. This is
hypocrisy. One is not supposed to utilize spiritualism, guru, deity of a temple, etc. in earning
wealth or fame.
Recently, when I came to live with Maharaj ji permanently and started sending the selfrevelation E-mail series, he wrote a response to me on the first and second mails. I would
urge you all to read it thoroughly. You will see how he shamelessly tried to have me under
his control. He calls himself an offender in one place but he wants to keep me under his
control and against Maharaj ji. In my second Self-revelation mail I had indicated that he had
given Maharaj ji false information about me. He wants to cover up his offenses by sending
the E-mail to me. Srinivas! You ought to beg forgiveness for the offenses that you have
done against Maharajji and go back. But you are shameless and prefer to keep fooling the
other disciples of Maharajji.
After I sent the third and fourth E-mails he realized that Bhrigu is not going to come under
his control. Hence, to get public opinion in his favour he resigned from the membership of
Sri Haridas Shastri Cow Welfare Trust. The scanned copy of the letter is attached in the
epilogue. Now he is trying to come back into the scene somehow. Punishments are due for a
crooked person who challenges the instructions of the guru.
When he found that he could not entangle me in his plans, he has now entangled Padmanabh
das who is deeply inimical to Maharaj ji. Padmanabh das is actually a greedy person and due
to his greed he has got entangled in the plan of Srinivas.
Everybody is warned to be cautious of a person like him. He is a disciple of Kali-yuga in the
garb of a saint. He is envy personified.
Srinivas! Let me tell you one little thing. If you have any concern for the welfare of your
ancestors, do seek forgiveness from Maharajji and go away. But unfortunately you have no
decency.

Rishi Pal Chauhan

To understand the nature of Rishipal Chauhan, let us understand him from what has been
described earlier. Presented below is a conversation that took place between him and me
when I had visited him in Faridabad in connection with improvements that were planned for
Jiva Institute. This had happened when I had left Kaliadaha ashram in the past and had gone
to live in the Jiva Institute.
Bhrigunath: Would you please elaborate on how you plan to create a healthy, prosperous and
a fearless society?
Rishipal: Through education.
Bhrigunath: What exactly do you mean by Education?

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Rishipal: See. If people start getting educated and getting employed, they will not be
influenced by terrorist leaders to join their gangs. Devoid of terrorism, society will live in
peace.
Bhrigunath: People like Osama bin Laden has no paucity of money. Then why have they
taken up the path of terrorism?
Rishipal: This is religious fanaticism.
Bhrigunath: But religiosity brings about peace.
Rishipal: (Shouting) Look at India. They are the religious people who are the most corrupt
in this country.
Bhrigunath: OK. America is an affluent and modern nation. Then why does that nation
want to keep all other nations under their control?
Rishipal: Look. The gist of the matter is that when one has sufficient wealth, there is a
natural inclination in him to rule over others. This is true for nations as a whole too.
I did not respond since I considered him as my elder brother. I felt that he needed to get
proper knowledge from Maharajji and from Satyanarayana ji. What I was supposed to do
then was to get his suggestions on how to make improvements in Jiva Institute, Vrindavan.
Dear readers! A person becomes what he thinks. Rishipal ji is a total materialist and an
atheist. Hence, when I speak to him, he tells me quite often statements like, If your God has
any power ; and he is a materialist who also wants to spread out his materialistic
activites. He wants to make use of every opportunity and become famous in the world by
using Maharaj jis parampara. He wants to make inroads into illegally owning the properties
of Maharajji. Since he plans to utilize the resource of Maharajji through his brother,
Satyanarayana ji, he invites him to speak in the programmes that he organizes, in spite of
knowing that he has a loose character.
The day when I had a conversation with him in Faridabad on a peaceful society, he had told
me this about improving Jiva Institute, Vrindavan. Bhrigu! Raise your banner. Before
bringing about a revolution in the society, one has to bring about a revolution in ones own
home. Just like Arjun had pierced his grandfather Bhishma with bunches of arrows, declare a
war against the policies of Maharaj ji. People like him must be put to an end just like
Dronacharya had been. Let me confess that to some extent I had agreed to what he had said.
Listeners! This idea of his was with the intention of giving him some benefit. He had felt
that if Jiva Institute, Vrindavan improves, it would put an end to the illicit relationship that
his brother, Satyanarayana Das was having with Lalita. Thus he would be spared from
getting a bad name in the society that was coming about due to the wanton behaviour of
Satyanarayana das, a topic that he had become tired of hearing about. Secondly, he felt that it
would help him increase his control on the Vrindavan center, thus helping him fulfill his
goals.

138

Brothers and sisters! Look at this hypocrite. He was ready to wage a war against his guru by
putting me in the forefront when Sri Gurudev was not approving his ideas. This went on to
the extent that he used abusive language against Maharajji when he was admitted in the
hospital. For instance, when Maharajji was lying on the hospital bed, he once pointed at his
private organs and said, He is born from this organ. I too am born from this organ. There is
no difference between us.
Listeners! I had tried my utmost to make Satyanarayana ji understand. I had sent the mail to
Rishipalji, which you may read in section 1. I also called him several times. Then he started
telling me, So what if Satyanarayana Das is wrong. Forget about him. If you unite
everyone else apart from him, I will know your capability. You better stop writing E-mails.
Talk to everyone on phone. And so on.
Look at his mischief. When his personal motives were not getting fulfilled, he used abusive
language against the innocent guruji. But when it came to his own brother, he urges me to
forget about him, not write e-mails and talk on phone!
Rishipal ji! I used to respect you all these days. But now I realize that you are trying to
fulfill your mission through a lot of crooked design. But how long will you keep fooling
people? If you are really concerned about the welfare of the people of the world, you must
openly declare to the world that you forsake your brother, Satyanarayana Das, who has gone
against his own guru, who indulges in illicit relationships, who pretends religiosity, makes
grave offenses, If you doubt my statements, I am ready to help you remove them.
Rishipal ji! In the ancient times, the kshatriyas used to maintain the Brahmanas. But they
never used to boast, I maintain them. And you keep asking me to throw out the people of
Subal! .What will the foreigners understand us, Indians? This is only hypocrisy! Bring Subal
back to India! Prepare Satyanarayana Das to get Ajita back!
Please remember. Whatever I am uttering in anger is after all the truth. If you act on them, it
will be beneficial to all of us. The rest is up to you.
Rishipal ji! You try to put a question mark on us god-brothers. And you keep glorifying the
priti that exists in your family. Your priti and co-operation is like that of the wild dogs who
unite while killing a calf but fight while eating the carcass. You people unite with the
intention of usurping the properties and wealth of others. And then you start fighting. That is
the reason why you say; I dont know why Satyanarayana das has sex with women. And
that is the reason why Partapjji says; I dont know what is the offense if Satyanarayana Das
has a weakness for women. Let me tell you that since Partapji did not marry, he remains
frustrated. Hence he advised me, Bhrigu! Do get married while there is still time.
I know the actions of your sons and nephews that they had indulged in at Tikari Bagichi some
years back and then requested me not to tell their father about it. I never told you anything
about it.
Rishipalji! Where is the priti that you claim exists in your family? All this is nonsense! Just
eyewash! You still have time. We do have to give up this body one day. So, why not live a
life of truth? I am waiting to see when you forsake your brother. But I know what you are
going to do. You do not have the guts to live a life of truth!

139

SATYANARAYANA DAS
Dear readers! I have written quite a lot about the nature of Satyanarayana Das ji so far. You
might be getting surprised to read all this, but actually there is no need to get surprised.
Please note what the following sloka says.
na dharma-shastram pathatiti karanam
na chapi vedadhyayanam duratmanah
svabhava evatra tathatirichyate
yatha prakritya madhuram gavam payah
What will an ill-natured person achieve by studying the Vedas or the dharma-shastras?
These will not be of use since it is the nature of a person that will actually dominate. Just like
the milk of a cow is sweet by nature. Therefore,
sarvasya hi parikshyante svabhavah netare gunah
atitya hi gunan srvan svabhavo murdhni vartate
A person should be examined on the basis of his nature, not his qualities. This is because
the importance of ones nature far exceeds the importance of his qualities.
Dvau bhutasargau lokesmin daiva asura eva cha
There are two classes of people in this world, daivi (with divine qualities) and asuric (with
demoniac qualities).
Here the subject of ones nature was mentioned. People with divine nature follow the Lord
and people with demoniac nature oppose Him. Such people do various misdeeds in the name
of the Lord, just as Ravana, in the garb of a sadhu, kidnapped Sitaji. Ravana was a great
pandit but his nature was asuric. When he came to Sitaji he displayed a lot of humility and
then made a lot of effort to ensnare her. Thats why I recommend; please dont get attracted
to Satyanarayana Das ji by his humility, etc. as all this is his way to get money and people.
Here I am providing you with further details about him, which will help you to understand his
demoniac nature.
Satyanarayana Das does his work with shrewdness in order to become prominent as an
Acharya after Maharajji. When Maharajji does not like a person, he is made to leave the
ashram. Then by manipulating the Dharma he gets hold of that person who is originally
disliked by Maharajji. Then through this person he gets all his work done. This operation is
then wrongly labeled as done for the sake Maharajjis work. Even in the past if a person was
the enemy of Satyanarayanji and is now disliked by Maharajji, he immediately takes the said
person under his wings. This is an extremely unscriptural (ashastriya) behaviour. This is a
severe disobedience to the guru.
Everybody is familiar about the feud between Satyanarayana Das and Srinivas. But the day
he understood that even Srinivas in no longer liked in the ashram, immediately he contacted
Srinivas and along with him blamed Maharajji. Satyanarayanji himself personally narrated

140

this incident to me so that he could keep me away from Maharajji and make me work as a
bonded labourer.
When I returned to Vrindavan he inspired me to work against Srinivas Acharya. I became
ready. Along with me he made plans that through some outsiders Srinivas should be
threatened. Once he misled me to such an extent that I reached the class of Maharajji. But
the utmost well-wisher, Sri Hare Krishna Das Babaji understood my intention and indicated
that I should go back. I calmly returned. Satyanarayandasji always gets his erroneous acts
done by keeping other people in front of him. Recently some e-mails about Savitaji were
sent (these I have put under the section of Satyanarayan and Prem Nidhiji). I am hundred
percent sure, that it is Satyanarayanji who is behind this. During the Srinivas episode he said
that he would involve Prem Nidhiji to pursue Srinivas. When you read Prem Nidhijis mail
you will understand the facts. Satyanarayanji says that he cannot help it if somebody else
writes things. All this is rubbish. What should have been done is that he should have severed
his relationship with Prem Nidhi. Let me tell you something that in all these incidents he
behaves very shrewdly, he speaks lies with all humility and claims that he never does
anything!
When I started going to Kaliadah he began instigating me against Savitaji and Hare Krishna
Das Babaji. But this time I could understand his objective. Once he perceived that I would
no longer participate in his ill designs he maneuvered the facts and said, Padmanabhji says
that Savitaji considers that I am the person who is behind those E-mails. Do explain her the
facts. Look at the audacity of Satyanarayandasji! He will never feel ashamed. While being
a Sadhu he sticks to different women and does not feel ashamed about it, then what to speak
about other things!
I thought that once I complete Sri Krishna Bhavanamrit Mahakavyam, at the right
opportunity I would offer it to the lotus hands of Maharajji, then Maharajji may give me a
chance to work on his books. When the book was published and I asked Satyanarayanji about
the dedication of the book to Maharajji, he flatly refused. But I had decided firmly that at an
appropriate moment I would give the book to Maharajji. And dear readers, due to your
blessings I did offer it to the lotus hands of Maharajji. You might be wondering why I spoke
about the book to Satyanaryanji instead of directly going to Maharajji? The need was
because in the past when Sri Baktisandarbha got published, Satyanarayandasji did not want to
offer it to Maharajji, but sensing my displeasure he eventually offered it to Maharajji. One
need not be surprised. If you observe the Sri Bhakti Sandarbha carefully, you will find that
Maharajji has been placed at a very lowly place. The whole world always exclusively keeps
aside a complete page for Guruji but here he put Maharajjis name along with other team
members and myself! In fact he had asked me to avoid Maharajjis name completely! Here I
was under the impression that in the future things would improve and all of us would work
unanimously with affection for each other. But when Satynarayandasjis mind itself is
corrupt then what can one do?
Let me elicit a new example of Satyanarayanjis disobedience towards Guruji. This time prior
to leaving for Europe Satyanarayandas went to meet Maharajji at Tehra goshala. I was also
present there. There his behavior with Maharajji depicted viciousness. Still Maharajji gave
him a lift in his car and dropped him at Jiva Institute. The moment the car stopped at the gate
of Jiva he folded his hands and with his head he hinted that now you people can leave.
Listeners! Maharajji gave him the ride till the Institute, and as such if the guru comes to your
doorstep one should, with great respect, welcome him inside. Instead he did not even utter a

141

single word. What a big offender of the Guru he is! Satyanarayandasji is an atheist! I know
when he reads about this incidence he is going to make excuses. But I want to state one thing
that the cause of being careless will not suffice. Satyanarayanji, remember
Sri Rup Goswami was once engrossed in meditating on a Lila of Krishna and had happened
to laugh on seeing the Lila. A Brahman was passing by and he mistook that Sri Rup
Goswamiji was laughing at him. The manifestation of the Lila in the heart of Sri Rup
Goswamiji immediately stopped! He understood that he had somewhere aggrieved someone.
He arranged for a feast (bhandara), everyone except the said Brahman came. Sri Rup
Goswamiji went and begged for forgiveness. When the Brahman understood the actual facts
he embraced Sri Rup Goswamiji.
Look, Satyanarayanji!
What actually happens if one causes distress to someone
unknowingly! You have actually annoyed the Lord by ignoring the guru. Then how will you
get any realization? You actually have nothing to do with any experience. Your desire has
always been to attract people by keeping your name connected with the name of Maharajji.
That is the reason behind your plan of secretly giving initiation to people even without
yourself having any realization.
Respected readers, I have not been answering one question since long. Now I shall give the
answer. When I was supposed to go to Allahabad court in connection with Maharajis case,
he had stopped me from going by saying that Maharajji was against us. But he himself would
often look into the affairs pertaining to the court cases. Let me explain why. He had
forbidden me from going to Allahabad because he had felt that if I start working for
Maharajji, my relations with him might again become normal. Then I would take care of
Maharajjis activities once again. And thus Maharajji would be getting a helping hand. That
would endanger his plans of keeping Maharajji in a helpless state all alone and himself
expanding his activities and ultimately usurping the parampara as well as the properties of
Maharajji. Hence he would always try to keep me away from Maharajji.
Respected readers, Satyanarayanji actually has a degraded mentality. If he brings people to
Maharajji, he gets them initiated by him and then keeps them under his own control, raises
funds though them for his own purpose and gets his own work done by them. And if
somebody points this out to him, he retorts by saying that he is the one who had brought all
those people to Maharajji. This is adharma. This is not right since diksha means
surrendering ones own self to the guru, which means that the person thenceforth becomes
gurujis and no one is supposed to come in between.
Once I had told him, Look at Maharajjis spiritual potency. See how his activities get
done. He replied, What potency? I am the one who got so many people attached to him.
Satyanarayanaji! Stop talking such rubbish! If you really have any power, try severing all
your relationships with Maharajji and doing things completely independently. We shall then
know how much potency you have. You are actually drilling holes in the same plate from
which you are eating your food! Maharajji made you a medium for performing seva and in
return you are misbehaving with him. Had you been following the advice of Maharajji, you
would have been able to do a lot of creative work.
Readers, Satyanarayanaji and Rishipalji have themselves told me, Maharajji breaks people
away from our group. Hence we keep them away from him.

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Readers, I had earlier asked Satyanarayanaji that the number of cows was increasing in the
goshala. Hence we have to think of some plans for the future. Satyanarayanjis answer was,
I dont think of matters that are beyond my control. By stating this he wanted to remove
from my mind the idea of go-seva that was worrying me, so that he could use me for his own
purpose. He used to think that if Bhrigu were to seriously take up go-seva, his own purpose
would not be served. Readers, time is short. Please acquire the right knowledge from guru,
sadhu and shastra. You will then realize that Satyanarayanajji is a Bhasmasur!
He does not like the idea of Maharajjis press functioning smoothly and publishing books.
When I went to Kalidaha first, Sri Hare Krishna Baba had told me, Bhrigu! Please try to get
a few helping hands and start the publishing work of the press. Maharajji never gives any
direct instructions to anybody. But he kept saying, and he still does, that had there been
enough manpower, many books could have been published. Hearing all this, I had told
Satyanarayanaji that we should be working for the press of Maharajji. His reply was,
Bhrigu! You know very well that Maharajji only wants his job to be done. He doesnt care
what happens to the disciple. Hare Krishna das Baba simply keeps throwing people out.
Bhrigu, dont think of wasting your time on all this. If all that Maharajji wants is publication
of books, we will do that through Jiva Institute. It is not possible to do so from the ashrama.
Readers, the ill-effect of all these statements on my mind could be nullified only recently.
This Satyanarayana das injects people with these poisonous ideas coated with sweet words
only to make them serve his own selfish needs. Let me clarify that Maharajji does want Jiva
Institute to succeed. He wants the Truth to be widely broadcast, but it should happen under
the purview of scriptural regulations, not according to the whims of an individual.
Satyanarayan das wants to destroy the sanctity of the fundamental ashram. He had told me
that he would have some portions of the ashram building pulled down and rebuilt according
to modern design after the demise of Maharajji. Maharajji was furious when he had heard
this. Who on earth is Satyanarayanji to take such decisions on his own? He has the audacity
of considering himself the owner of the ashram simply because he had placed four bananas in
front of Maharajji during the evening class! In reality the ashram belongs to, by Maharajjis
desire, all his disciples, nay the whole world, since today Maharajji is an ideal for the whole
world. It is the duty of all of us to preserve and expand every iota of anything and everything
connected with Maharajji. Some kind of a symbol of an ideal person must remain in the
world for all to see and learn from. Everything connected to Maharajji must be protected
from the hands of a Bhasmasur like Satyanarayana das.
SATYANARAYANA DAS, AN INCARNATION OF SHANKHASUR
In the ancient days Shankhasur had stolen the Vedas. Stealing the Vedas means to present
the knowledge of the Vedas in a distorted fashion to promote materialism and to keep the
common masses away from the true message of the Vedas.
Satyanarayan das is doing just this. When his relationship with guruji was slightly shaken, he
manifested his materialistic ideas. I am presenting below an example of how he is distorting
the message of Sri Chatanya Mahaprabhu and misleading people.
Satyanarayan das has created a website by the name of jivs.org. On the home page of this
website there is a picture of several lotus flowers and some words are written next to it.
There is a lotus flower in the center, next to which is written, Words of Wisdom.

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[Translators note: The original version of this book was published in Hindi a few months
prior to the publication of this English translation. It is possible that some of the details on
the website have been altered since the Hindi version of this book was published.]
This website is supposed to be presenting the philosophy of Sri Jiva Goswami. Let us
analyse some of the statements written under Words of Wisdom in the light of Sri Jiva
Goswamis philosophy, i.e. Gaudiya Vaishnava philosophy.
If you click on this section, a picture of Satyanarayan das will appear on the screen. Below
this picure you will find words that show the wisdom of Satyanarayan das. You will find this
statement of his there:
A Perfectionist is Mostly Unhappy and Makes Others Unhappy
If you analyse this statement of his in light of Sri Jiva Goswamis philosophy, you will
realize that he is an incarnation of Shankhasur.
The meaning of Perfect in the dictionary is Having all the required elements, qualities and
characteristics free from any flaw, faultless, complete, absolute. From this word is derived
the word, Perfectionism, from which is derived Perfectionist. Perfectionism is defined in
the dictionary as Refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.
Respected readers, if you have read this book carefully from the beginning you would have
seen how Sri Rupa Goswami, Sri Jiva Goswami and Srila Vishvanath Chakravarti Thakur
worked elaborately to give a faultless and perfect definition of Uttama Bhakti.
The efforts that these great persons have put in while writing the books indicate that they
were perfectionists and wanted to produce works that were totally free from defects. Sri Jiva
Goswami, while explaining the rarity of obtaining Bhava, has shown in his commentary on
Sri Bhaktirasamrtasindhu that one comes to the stage of Bhava only when he performs bhakti
in a perfect and complete manner. Sri Mahaprabhu himself has said,
Purnamrtasvadanam
Bhakti is the taste of complete and perfect nectar. He was Himself a perfectionist and
wanted to take His followers to the level of perfectionism. The Upanishads say,
Om Purnamadah purnamidam purnat purnamudachyate
Purnasya purnamadaya purnamevavashishyate
From that Perfect comes this Perfect. Perfect begets Perfect. When the perfection of the
perfect is taken away, that which remains is still the perfect.
When we connect ourselves with the perfect Person we become perfect. The athato
brahmajijnasa aphorism of Brahma Sutras establishes that the enquirer of absolute
knowledge is a perfectionist.

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The supreme scripture of the Gaudiya sampradaya, Sri Brhat-bhagavatamrtam takes the
reader on a journey to higher and higher stages of realization and ultimately to the stage of
supreme perfection. What more needs to be said? Sri Krishna-prema is called paramapurushartha. Prema is often called Perfection.
Our Gaudiya Sampradaya is full of examples of perfectionism. You may check it up.
Since Satyanarayan das is a total materialist having demoniac mentality, he distorts the
scriptures as Shankhasur did. He does it in such a demoniac way that a person will remain a
slave to him and will remain away from guru and God.
He is a hypocrite. You may read the story of the lion and the greedy Brahmana in the
Hitopadesha and find out how the old lion engaged the greedy Brahamana in dialogues
apparently on dharma and finally caught him and ate him up. In a similar manner this man is
entangling such people who have come into the field of dharma since they have been
unsuccessful in the material world.
Recently I had tried to bring him on the right track. After reading the fourth mail he got
wound up and started accusing me of being Srinivas, Vishnudas, etc. After that I wrote a
reply that you may read. After all my efforts he wanted me to have Maharajji entangled in
this issue. I firmly believe that his supporters sent me inimical e-mails in different languages.
Prior to that I had received only favourable reactions in the e-mails. I informed his brother.
Then he called me up on phone. I told him to resolve all disputes by returning the properties
of Ajita and Subal. He gave some sweet replies. But in the evening he sent a diplomatic email. You may understand his well-planned activities by reading his mails and noting their
dates and timings.
It is a common practice not to publicise a private mail. But on account of a specific policy I
will make some of these mails public in this book. These e-mails will be in two parts, 3 and
4. In part 3 there are the mails of the so-called supporters of Satyanarayan das. In these
mails people are generally asking Satyanarayan das to answer in clear yes or no if his
realizations have been acknowledged by Maharajji. Most of them are European and the mails
were sent on dates when Satyanarayanji was in Europe. Readers, please apply your minds!
Please pardon me since sometimes I write statements asking you to do certain things. In part
4 are those e-mails that show the positive feedback that I had received from some people. I
feel compelled to make some of these e-mails public so that the future generations may
benefit from them.
The supporters of Satyanarayanji have indirectly hinted in the e-mails that I am mentally
deranged. Satyanarayan das can do just anything behind the back. But I am not scared of
sacrificing millions of my lives for the sake of upholding the Truth. I am ready to stay
behind the bars but as long as I live I will not allow Satyanarayan das to succeed in his evil
plans of giving initiation and thus polluting our glorious parampara. Of course, I will never
resort to violence, neither have I ever done that. But I will use the policies of Sri Krishna.
Satyanarayanjji, please recall that about three months back [Translators note: Three months
prior to the publication of the Hindi version of this book] both of us had watched two movies
together, Lage Raho Munna Bhai and Narasimha. Please watch them again and
understand their messages. You will certainly understand your true nature to a certain extent.
But please do not understand from these films that I would ever resort to violence. I have
never done that in the past. I will follow the policy adopted by Prahlad Maharajji.

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Dear readers, it is my humble request to you all to watch these two movies. The villain of
Narasimha also used to chant Jaya Radha Madhav and used to keep people in the dark.
Satyanarayanaji! Please prove from the Gaudiya scriptures your statement, A perfectionist
is mostly unhappy and makes others unhappy.
This is my challenge. Kshatriyas are brave by nature and accept challenges. Let us see how
brave a Kshatriya you are!
I know what your policies are. You are capable of becoming silent like a crane waiting for a
fish, only to gain the sympathy of the ignorant mass of people. Look at this statement of Niti
shastra:
Svayattamekantagunam vidhatra vinirmita chhadanamajnatayah
Visheshatah sarvavidah samaje vibhushanam maunamapanditanam
The creator has created a nice covering for fools to hide their foolishness Silence. It is
under their control and is helpful. This silence is like a special ornament of the fools in a
gathering of learned people.

PARASITIC PLANTS
Respected readers, if you glance at the website of Jiva Institute, jivs.org, you will realize
that Stayanarayana Das has made Maharaj ji a branch of his organization. But the root can
never be converted to branch! The root will always remain the root and the branch will
always remain the branch. This is the law of nature.
[Translators note: This chapter was written by the author on the basis of the Jiva website
that existed in July 2007. Immediately after the book Arunodaya was published in Hindi,
the website of Jiva was modified to remove Maharajjis mention completely. The site might
undergo a few more changes by the time this English translation of Arunodaya is
published]
Now the question is, with what should we compare the problem of root and branch that exists
between Satyanarayna Das and Maharaj ji.
My lowly intellect reminds me of an idea of the parasitical plant (called pargachha in Hindi).
In my childhood I have seen many old mango trees on which would grow a pipal tree that
ultimately suppressed the mango tree and the pipal tree would appear as if it were the main
tree. Such pipal trees did not have any independent existence. Their existence depended on
that of the mango tree. But if the root of the pipal tree were disconnected from the mango
tree, the pipal tree dried up.
Satyanarayana Das, his family and his Institute are like the parasitic pipal tree. This nature of
Satyanarayana ji is inborn. When he was living in ISKCON, he tried to show the defects in
Prabhupada, acted like a big learned pandit, and enjoyed appreciation from some quarters.

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But the force of a little storm could not be borne by that parasitic plant and he was thrown out
of ISKCON. Now, by explaining that Maharaj ji is impractical and by giving all kinds of
logic, he is trying to suppress Maharaj ji. Presently he has plans to annihilate Maharajji,
claim to be the representative of the glorious parampara, start giving diksha, become a guru
and preach a demoniac philosophy in the name of Gaudiya Vaishnavism. Just like
Shankhasur had stolen the Vedas to help intensify materialism and atheism, he is stealing the
gist of the Vedas to fulfill his personal goals. This Satyanarayana Das has plans to start
giving diksha to people, thus kidnapping the glorious parampara of Maharaj ji and thus
stabbing Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu on the back. But little does he realize that Sri
Mahaprabhu is after all the Great Lord.
Respected people, Maharaj ji says that we should become ajatashatru (meaning, one who has
no enemies) like Yudhishthira. If you ever criticize anyone or anything, do it only for the
sake of highlighting something superior. Maharajji says, Never have any inimical attitude
towards Kabir, Rahim, Prabhupada, etc. These people worked for the welfare of the society.
Look at the guru-nishtha of Prabhupada; see how he followed the instructions of his guru. A
job like this can be done only by divine inspiration. This means that God empowers these
personalities for welfare of humanity.
Satyanarayana ji! This is Maharajas quality of seeing the excellence in others. And what
you had told me was that Prabhupada came into this world, ate, drank, passed stool and left
like any other mortal. No, Satyanarayana das! No! He did not pass away like any other
ordinary mortal. And I need not tell you what he did in the world. Everything is evident.
Whatever be the case, Prabhupadas disciples are preserving all belongings of Prabhupada
including his walking stick, dress, etc. They are also propagating the movement started by
him. And what you are doing is to annihilate your own guru Maharaj ji!! Well, it is not
unexpected since a parasitic plant does destroy the mother plant!

THE INTENTIONS OF JIVA INSTITUTE ARE ILL

Satyanarayana Das and his family members have ill intentions. For the last several years,
they have been gathering evidences and documents that would help them illegally take-over
Maharajjis property eventually. Jiva Institute officially declares that one of their wings
called Jiva Culture operates in Vrindavan.
The institute in Vrindavan is actually called Jiva Institute for Vedic Studies. Satyanarayana
Das has also created another institute called Jiva Sanskrit Shiksha Samsthan. He has
created a website jivs.org for Jiva Institute for Vedic Studies, Vrindavan. All material in
this website pertains to Jiva Institute for Vedic Studies, Sri Chaitanya Sanskrit Shiksha
Samsthan, the go-shala and Bio-farm of Sri Harids Shastri Gau Sansthan located in Tehra,
and the go-shala of Sri Haridas Niwas located in Kaliadaha. Having linked the people of Jiva
Institute with this website, Sri Satyanarayana Das and his family members have created the
ground for usurping the properties of Maharajji along with the property of Jiva Institute for
Vedic Studies. Baba Krishna Gopala Das gave a piece of land at Tikari to Satyanarayana
Das. He had given it to him with the legal condition that he would not sell it or donate it to
anybody else and that the land would be used only for the purpose of constructive work for
Gaudiya Vaishnava Sampradaya. But he disregarded the sentiments of Baba Krishna Gopal
Das and initiated Jiva Bio-farm there. Thus he has done the groundwork of transferring the
land to his brother Rishipal Chauhan.

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They have published a booklet by the name, Our Universal Mother. The entire matter in
the booklet is from the go-shala of Maharajji. Along with Maharajjis address he has also
printed his own address in the booklet. This way he has tried to merge the two
establishments, thus creating the ground for becoming the owner of Maharajjis ashram in the
future.
Satyanarayana Das ji and his family members are always opposed to all those who support
Maharaj ji. He keeps others in the forefront and does whatever he wishes to do; pretty much
like a go-mukha vyaghra (a tiger with the face of a cow), speaking sweetly. There is a
description of the go-shala of Maharj ji in jivs.org, but the addresses mentioned there for
sending in donations are those of Jiva. One such address, for instance, is: Jiva Institute,
Account no. 008305000912, ICICI Bank, SCFf58, Sector 15, Faridabad, Haryana (India).
Once in a while Rishipal ji shows some anger at Satyanarayana Das. But that happens to be a
part of their alliance. In reality he has created the groundwork of usurping all properties of
Vrindavan in the future by collaborating with Satyanarayana Das and Maharaj ji.
The building of Jiva Institute for Vedic Studies in Vrindavan is registered in Sataynarayana
Dass original name, Satyapal Tanvar Chauhan. Having put his fathers name as well in
the deed he has created the groundwork of transferring the whole property to his family
members in the future.
These were some instances of his policy of usurping others properties. Now let us have a
look at some of his separatist policies in which it will be clear how he has been partial
towards his family members in all official and legal dealings and did not give the dues to the
worthy. I will state the examples with reference to my presence in Jiva and working hard for
Satyanarayana Das.
These people try to portray themselves as great devotees in front of Maharaj ji. But if
someone else connects himself with Maharajji independently, they try to destroy his links
with Maharajji. For instance he criticized Sandip Mittal in front me.
When the power of attorney was to be decided for the piece of land at Tikari, he gave the
power to a relative of his. I was protecting the land at that time by risking my own life and I
could have been an option for giving the power to.
I had worked hard for his Institute. But in the website of Jiva, I do not figure anywhere in the
section, Minds Behind Jiva. The persons who have been named are his family members
and some foreigners. He is afraid that I may claim to become a part of the Jiva ownership.
There is obviously no such fear from foreign nationals.
The leaflet that introduces the Jiva Institute is similar. The name of a foreigner, Jaya, has
been mentioned there but there is no mention of my name. My name, mentioned in the
Bhakti Sandarbha as Sanskrit editor, was possible because I had myself put it there after
asking him. My name in the voters list and ration card really do not have any practical value
and act as eyewash.
While publishing the introductory leaflet on Jiva or the Jiva website he never told me much.
After the leaflet was published he started distributing it to people but he never offered one to

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me to read since he knew that I might start asking questions. But as I had some faith in him, I
went on enduring everything. He is trying to prove that Subals building (that actually
belongs to Adventures in Enlightenment Trust) is his own by writing Jiva in big letters on
the iron gates in front.
In short, you may understand that the intentions of Satyanarayana Das and his family
members are foul.

SRI GURUDEVJI
Dear readers, for an undeserving person like me it is extremely difficult to describe the
qualities of Shriguruji! Yet whatever I am experiencing as regards Maharajji I wish to
describe separately in a different book. It is very important to have a book exclusively on
Maharajji. In fact we all do not happen to know much about him. Whatever is known is not
enough. In future publications I will attempt to bring about some original features of
Maharajjis life history. Presently due to time deficiency I am unable to produce this
publication error-free especially in relation to writing style and grammar. Therefore it is my
strong desire that I should write Shrigurujis biography in a beautiful manner while keeping
in mind all the essential technical aspects of a novel-script. In the said book I plan to
describe his preliminary life story, his family background, his advent to Vrindavan and his
life after that. Along with this I will also attempt to describe the following qualities (gunas)*:
[*Translators note: The terms mentioned below have not been translated since most of them
do not have any English term that would serve as a proper translation. Hence these words are
being kept as they are in Sanskrit. The author has said that he would explain each one of
these terms in detail, in some later work of his. Kindly wait till then.]
1. Vividhadbhutabhashavit, 2. satyavakya, 3. Priyavansh, 4. Vavaduk, 5. Supandita, 6.
buddhiman, 7. pratibhanvita, 8. vidagdha, 9. chatur, 10. daksha, 11. kritajna, 12.
sudridhavrata, 13. deshakalasupatrajna, 14. shastrachakshu, 15. shuchi, 16. vashi, 17.
gambhira, 18. dhritiman, 19. sama, 20. vadanya, 21. dharmik, 22. shur, 23. karun, 24.
manyamanakrit, 25. dakshin, 26. vinayi, 27. himan, 28. sharanagatapalak, 29. sukhi, 30.
bhakta suhrid, 31. prema-vashibuta, 32. sarvashubhankar, 33. pratapi, 34. kirtiman, 35.
raktalok, 36. sadhu samashraya, etc.
Here I will mention a verse through which I wish to say a few words about Maharaj ji.
Iha hi rachayan sadhvim shishyah kriyam na nivaryate
Tyajati to yada margam mohat tada gururankushah
Vinayaruchirastasmat santah sadaive nirankushah
Parataramatah svatantrebhyo vayam hi paranmukhah
Sri guru never stops a person who acts on the basis of principles of religiosity. If, out of
ignorance he performs an act contrary to the religious principles, the guru controls him.

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People who are less intelligent are always free and not bound by anybodys control. Hence
we are different from those people who are too independent.
Paricharitavyah santah ydyapi kathayanti no sadupadesham
Yastvesham svairakathasta eva bhavanti shastrani
Saintly people should always be served even if thy do not give us enlightening discourses.
The statements that they spontaneously speak become scriptures.
Bhagavat dharma (The principles of religiosity based on the scriptures like Srimad
Bhagavatam) has been established for eradicating all kinds of clashes from the human
society. Happiness and peace can be established in the society only on the basis of this
Bhagavat dharma. Since we god-brothers are not in good terms with each other today, it is
certain that there is dishonesty somewhere in the picture. No clashes can occur without
falsehood coming into play. Untruth always exists with the support of truth. The principle of
Bhagavat dharma is that people must receive the right knowledge. Hence Maharajjji keeps
telling us that no matter what one does, he should always endeavour to know truth as truth
and untruth as untruth. The two should not be mixed up. This means that if the disciple
knows truth as truth and untruth as untruth, some day or the other he will take up the pursuit
of the Supreme truth and will make his life meaningful.
Hence I request all readers not to believe in hearsay but to make an attempt to understand the
truth and follow a life of pursuing the truth.
Demoniac personalities like Bhasmasur, shankhasur, etc. are different demoniac states
of our own mind. We must destroy such mentalities with the help of satsang (keeping
company of holy men) and take up a mentality that has divine propensities.
Let us repeatedly think about, remember and sing about the transcendental object, bhakti,
which Sri Mahaprabhu has bestowed for the benefit of the entire creation:
Hena varna dhari hari, jagate karuna kori
avatirna haila kali yuge
unnata ujjvala ras, aeyi prema bhakti ras
se bhakti vilaye kshititale
bahukale anarpita, yeyi nija bhakti nita
prakashila karuna koriya
shachi suta gaurachandra, sakal ananda-sandra
sada sphurti hou mor hiya
(Sri Vidagdha-madhav natakam, Bengali translation by Yadunandana Das Thakur)
Having taken up such a complexion, He (Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu) appeared in Kali yuga
for showing mercy to the people of the world. He freely distributed the effulgent and
supreme rasa of prema-bhakti on the surface of the earth. He mercifully manifested that kind
of Devotion to Himself, which had not been given for several ages. May Gaurachandra, the
Son of Shachi, Who is intense bliss personified, appear in my heart spontaneously.

|| Sri Guruaarpanamastu ||

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EPILOGUE
Dear readers! The Hindi version of this book was published about three months ago. After
that, certain developments took place and I think this is the right place to mention about them
so that clarity remains in the mind of the reader regarding various issues that are apparently
debatable and confusing.
Of course, my purpose here is not to start a debate. I will simply mention the facts as they are
and leave it to the readers to draw their own conclusions. But before doing that, let me sum
up the major points that I have described in detail in the preceding chapters.
The first and foremost thing that I have indicated through my story is that our guru Maharaj ji
is a Mahapurusha. He is a true representative of Lord Chaitanya and it is difficult to imagine
how fortunate we are in getting the opportunity to become his disciples. It has been
conclusively established by Sri Jiva Goswami that the highest and the most sublime
knowledge that God has ever disclosed to humanity is that of Uttama Bhakti that Sri
Chaitanya Mahaprabhu gave us. And Maharajji is a pure and dear devotee of the Lord who is
more than willing to help anybody and everybody in this world to achieve the supreme and
effulgent rasa of uttama bhakti that Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu had distributed.
According to the teachings of Sri Maharajji and all the previous Acharyas of our glorious
sampradaya, the ONLY way to achieve this uttama bhakti is an unconditional and complete
surrender at the feet of the guru. Activities pertaining to the practice of bhakti (like hearing
the shastras, chanting, doing deity worship, visiting temples, etc.) bear fruit IF AND ONLY
IF they are performed under the direction of the guruji with a mentality of complete
surrender.
The kind of unconditional service that one requires to perform comes about only when we
consider the Guru to be as good as the Lord Himself. We should not consider him like an
ordinary human being, but like God Himself who has appeared before us. The Guru must be
considered to be very much dear to Lord Mukunda (Mukunda-preshtha). Secondly it is very
important that the devotee connect himself with the guru directly. No via media is acceptable
in this case. Even God Himself does not come in between the relationship between the guru
and the disciple. Then what to speak of a human being who tries to act as the media through
whom one needs to connect himself with Maharajji?
Dear readers, Satyanarayanaji has been doing just this all these years and this has kept almost
all disciples of Maharajji alienated from the guru! He managed to create a false impression in
the minds of all the devotees that Maharajji is not easily approachable; that he is short
tempered; that one never knows what is going to irritate him; that he speaks philosophy in a
very complicated way and none of us disciples is qualified to understand the hidden meaning
of all that he speaks; that Satyanarayanaji, by virtue of his close association with him is the
only person who is capable of understanding Maharajjis moods and is capable of explaining
them to his god-brothers. After the publication of the Hindi version of Arunodaya, some
disciples of Maharajji actually spoke to me and told me that they had not approached
Maharajji all these years and were connected only to Satyanarayanji. When I told them that
Maharajji says that even God does not come in between the guru and the disciple, they got

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connected with him directly, and are now relishing the taste of associating with a true
Mahabhagavat. Let us associate with Maharajji directly and allow him to lead the way rather
than we choosing the way ourselves.
Now the question is, does Satyanarayanji and his family members not know this simple fact
that no one should act as the medium? Of course he does, at least that is what I would expect.
But knowing this does not make any difference. His intentions are to bring people to
Maharajji by virtue of his (Maharajjis) greatness and then capture them into his own trap and
turn them into his own disciples by standing in the way. This is what I explained in the
preceding chapters. He has ambitions of usurping the property of Maharajji, becoming an
undisputed leader of the Gaudiya Vaishnava sampradaya, leading a lavish life, and
squandering away the wealth donated to him by the disciples of Maharajji who are under the
notion that the donations given to him are actually being used in the service of Maharajji!
And all this in the name of bhakti, by being a Babaji!!
Recently a disciple of Maharajji, who is associating with him directly now after reading
Arunodaya, told me, Satyanarayanji used to tell us that he did not live in Kaliadaha after
leaving ISKCON because he believed that he would not be able to study the scriptures that
way. If he were to create his own Institute, he would be able to maintain a distance from
Maharajji and yet stay close. He also explained that his advice to all those who sought
genuine spiritual knowledge from the scriptures was that they should not stay in Kaliadaha
but in Jiva because if they stayed in Kaliadaha, they would not be able to learn anything.
They would be wasting their time since Maharajji would be using them for his own work.
Can you imagine? What an offense-filled statement that is! The highest goal of bhakti is to
serve the guru in whatever way he desires to be served. And Satyanarayanaji said that the
very reason why people should stay in Jiva was that they should not serve Maharajji! The
above-mentioned disciple then added, We spend our lives searching for a guru, and here he
is, taking us away from the guru and keeping us confined to himself! I leave it up to you to
understand the gravity of this offence of Satyanarayan ji that he has done, and is still doing,
to many disciples of Maharajji.
Recently, there were some mails circulated by some family members of Satyanarayanaji and
some friends of Srinivas against me. The mails come as no surprise to me. I expected
them. Since I have revealed the ill intentions of some so-called disciples of Maharajji in my
mails and in Arunodaya, they are bound to get agitated and react negatively. As the truth
gets revealed, they will become even more bitter since their plans of usurping Maharajjis
properties and hijacking our glorious parampara are getting hindered. Here, let me point out
one little joke. I am sure all of you are aware of the bitter enmity that used to go on between
Satyanarayanaji & his family on the one hand and Srinivas ji on the other. Now, when the
truth behind the intentions of both parties has been brought to light, they have united, to fight
against the truth! One party, who earlier could not stand the name of the other, now refers to
the other as a god-brother whose pain cannot be tolerated anymore! All because their evil
plans are coming to light. One small example is that I raised an alarm by sending a mail to
all of you when Srinivas wrongfully took away Maharajjis car away recently for his personal
use. In reply some of them sent mails stating that I should not be sending such mails. When
there is burglary in your house, dont you raise an alarm? And when you do that and some
individual asks you to shut up, what conclusion do you draw? Simple. The individual is
hand-in-glove with the burglars. And then, to distract all of you away from Srinivas
misdeed, a mail carried some true revelation about me in the form of vicious unspeakable
lies. The fabricator of these lies did not realize that these accusations implicate

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Satyanarayana ji also since he had sheltered me and was in very close association with me for
the past eleven years! The truth is that all this is done in an attempt to sidetrack the disciples
from paying attention to their atrocious intentions.
What was Rishi Palji doing when an awful attack was being done on Shobhita Mataji? Where
did his good manners disappear when a lone woman, who was at that time single-handedly
serving Maharajji, was blemished as an Avatar of Srinivas? Where did the Indian culture
that he professes vanish when a woman was being humiliated? Now, when the truth about
himself, his brethren and Srinivas is being told, suddenly it is all becoming painful for him.
And the Chauhan family and Srinivas are uniting as friends!!
I know more mails are now going to be circulated, in which vain attempts will be made to
prove me guilty and give a clean chit to these Guru-aparadhis. I am not going to spend my
time answering those mails, and hence please do not expect any further clarifications from
me. I would rather concentrate on serving Maharajji in the ashram than answer those mails..
Those of you who are interested in knowing the truth about these allegations and counter
allegations may carry out your own investigations, in whatever way you like; come to any
conclusion you think is right and believe in your own conclusions.
And for the rest who are interested in knowing the truth about Maharajji, spiritualism and
Krishna, I would humbly submit that you get connected to Maharajji directly, surrender to
him, serve him and gradually know the truth. Let no one come in between. Even if one
single person connects himself or herself with Maharajji directly after reading this book, I
would consider my efforts at publishing this book to be successful.
I know that my existence is in danger today. These opportunists can go to any extent to get
rid of the hurdles on their way to success. But I do not care. I am ready to lay my life for
the sake of bringing the truth out. As long as I live, my crusade for the satya (truth) will
continue!
satyameva jayate nanrtam!
TRUTH ALONE WINS; NOT UNTRUTH!

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Self Revelation E-Mail Series

First Mail (Monday, 11 June 2007, Ekadasi, Purusottama month)
!! Sri Sri Gaura-Gadadharau Vijayetam !!
!! Sri Gurave namah !!
Dear God-Brothers & God-Sisters,
Many of you may know about me and for many others I am unfamiliar. I would like to
mention that I am also one among you disciple of Om Vishnupada Paramhansha Astottarsat Shri Shri Haridas Shastriji Maharajaji. But there is a difference between you and me as I
am the wretched soul who has caused so much of distress to Maharajji and one among them
who have created a chaos among god-brothers & sisters because of which many of you have
distanced from Maharajji. I am here to ask forgiveness from all of you and let all of you
know how I had displeased Maharajji. I know my offence is very grave as I am among them
because of whom many of you could not get benefited by Maharajjis association and finally
distanced yourself. Today I am very much responsible for the pathetic situation of Maharajji,
his dear disciples and his very dear goshala. After a lot of turmoil and special mercy of Lord
and Maharajji, I am again fortunate to get shelter under Maharajji. I would like to share my
experience with all of you so that you could be able to safe-guard yourself against the most
destructive offence (aparadha) against paramhamsa Guru Maharajji and his dear disciples
(Guru-aparadha and vaishanava-aparadha). If this revelation could help any of you to protect
from such maha-aparadha and help you understand Maharajji better and bridge the gap that
has been created by culprits like me, I hope this will help me unburden the offense to that
extent. The day you all forgive me within your heart will be the day when I would really be
relieved of my offense. The only hope is that vaishnavas are very merciful, and your
blessings and valuable guidance could help me progress in the spiritual life and to achieve the
rare raganuga service of Sri Sri Radha Krishna under the guidance of Sri Guru Maharajji.
Before I begin elaborating about myself and the mistakes that I have done, I would like to
mention that I am doing this under no compulsion or any ones direction. I am doing this as I
feel this is a means through which I could relieve myself from the aparadha. Also, through
this I would like to clarify certain misconceptions about Maharajji that has been created by
not getting the proper and sufficient association of Maharajji and by inheriting those
misconceptions from our other god-brothers & sisters like me, who themselves have not
understood Maharajji. Also, I would like to share my realizations which I have gained from
association of Maharajji and through the sufferings I have undergone which you could accept
only after you agree with it. I will be open to face your questions pertaining to me and my
understanding once I have presented my points. Since the description may go in pages, it will
take few weeks to completely present myself. I have to write a series of mail before I could
accept questions from you. Since I had been responsible for creating the chaos in past, I will
be willing to answer your question. I will take up questions only relevant to me (my actions
and my understanding) or related with the understanding about Maharajji. Please do bear my
English, as I am not very good in the language, but I will try my best to present my points in
simple English. One thing I would like to make it very clear in the beginning itself that many
of us have a lot of misconceptions about Maharajji (as I had), but the truth is (which I would
conclude in my writing based on my experience) that he is a Mahabhagavata, very dear

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devotee of the Lord, who is always immersed in the raganuga bhakti and his endeavor has
always been to mercifully help all his disciples to elevate his consciousness at the earliest. It
is we who are not yet ready to accept that mercy and make it difficult by misunderstanding
and committing the offense at his lotus feet.
Before I could describe what all offenses has been committed by me, I would like to provide
a short background about myself, so that everyone could understand the phases I have gone
through which will help others in understanding how fallen I had been.
In my childhood I have read the stories of Aaruni and Upamanyu, two great disciples of
Brahmarishi Aayoddhoumya, and his grand disciple, Uttank, who was disciple of his Veda,
disciple of Brahmarhi. Whoever knows about these great disciple will know how much
devoted were these disciples who have not cared for their personal life and risked their very
life for serving their Sri Guru. Even though Guru has asked for giving up the basic need of
the life which led to their personal loss, still they were so devoted that they never had a
different thought. This has pleased their Sri Guru and thus they have received their Gurus
blessings and thus the rare transcedental knowledge through mercy of their Guru. I was
inspired by these stories and had always longed to get such a great Sri Guru and I could
devote myself the same way like these great disciples. In 1994, I left my graduation in search
of such Sri Guru and came to Vrindavan. I moved into Iskcon, Vrindavan where I could meet
Sri Dinesh Singh, who is presently our god-brother. On finding me inquisitive and sincere, he
inspired me to meet Sri Satya Narayan Das ji in 1996. Before Satya Narayan Das ji, I posed
my problem of seeking a bona fide Guru and seeing my sincerity, he introduced me to
Maharajji.
When I came into the Ashram, I was mesmerized by the qualities and dealings of Maharajji. I
found that even at such old age he never takes any personal service from any of his disciple.
He always engage his disciples in the service of the cow (who is so beloved to the Lord),
Shastra (encouraging hearing and studying of the same), in the service of the Sri RadhaGovindjis garden or would encourage to develop resources to ensure better service. And
Maharajji himself immerse himself in the service of Sri Radha Govinda, go-seva and even his
disciples (even today he does the same). In the return of this service he expects nothing, but
always expected that his disciples become more dearer to the Lord. I have seen so many
sadhus in Vrindavan, but rarely found anyone that dedicated and serving the cows, calves and
bulls with that much of love and emotion. Anyone who has seen his goshala knows how
much active Maharajji has been in his service and how nicely he has takes care of each and
every cow / calf / bull. Is that possible by anyone of us or has seen similar service anywhere?
Even though he has been so transcendental, I have been so foolish that I have committed
offense of taking him as an ordinary person. I know many of you would have doubts whether
Maharajji serves his disciples. I dont know how many of you knows that he had been
cooking food on regular basis in the ashram when he was little younger, as is the culture in
the vaishanava sampradaya. Now it is not feasible for him. I would like to expose how much
merciful Maharajji has been on me, which will also show how caring he has been for his
disciple. When I used to live with Maharajji, everyday early morning, he used to arrange seat
for me and lovingly ask me to sit on that. Thereafter he used to bring the plate full of
prasadam and he would make me eat and he would lovingly watch me. This went on for all
seven years I had been in the ashram. I had left my studies in the middle before coming to
Vrindavan, Maharajji encouraged me to continue my degree studies and also encouraged to
study the sastras. He borne the cost of the college admission, books, etc. It is because of his
endevour and encouragement that I am doing Ph. D. on Madhurya Kadambini, the literature

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by Srila Vishwanath Chakravarty Thakur, a great acharya from our Gaudiya Sampradaya. I
will not forget those days when he himself has smeared the pain relieving ointment on my
body when I was sick. It is not that he has been only merciful on me. Many of you might
remember such lovely incidence where he has served you even unexpectedly.
Since the discussion is long, I would like to stop here for this present mail. I will continue
further in my next mail. I will explain how I have fallen from that special mercy to the
position where Maharajji had been fearful of me and had declared to all his disciples to avoid
me not even give shelter to me.
Radhe Shyam,
Bhrigunatha Mishra

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Second Mail (Friday, 15 June 2007, Amavashya (New moon Day), Last day of
Purusottama month)
!! Sri Sri Gaura-Gadadharau Vijayetam !!
!! Sri Gurave namah !!
Dear God-Brothers & God-Sisters,
With your blessings, I would like to continue with my previous mail. When I ended the last
mail I was discussing on how merciful and compassionate Maharajji is. We all know how he
is immersed in the vraja bhava, which is reflected in his dedication, sincerity and service
mood that we all had witnessed when we watch him doing the go-seva. He himself is
situated in that rare special bhava, and he sincerely desires to give the same bhava to his
disciples. For this, he makes every attempt based on the qualification of his disciples. When I
was in close association of Maharajji, he has made a lot of attempt to improve my
consciousness. As we all know that our process helps in elevating the consciousness and we
need to improve our consciousness to the level of vraja devotees. In this path of raganuga, all
services are done with great thirst (trisna) and speed. Because of this he wanted me to make
me perfect at the earliest. The philosophy is that that the lakshana (characteristics) of the
sadhaka (one who practices) is same as the swaroop of the sidha (one who has perfected his
life). That is, what the sidha does natuarally, the sadhaka endeavors for the same. Basically it
means, that the way Maharajji, to the extend feasible for him, serves with mamatva (love and
affection) his Guru, Sri Sri Gaur-Gadadhara and Radha-Govindadevaji with having loving
compassion to all living beings and the whole creation of the Lord, the same way, disciples
with his fully capacity should endeavor for loving service by following in his footstep to
achieve the same level of consciousness. This is how Maharajji sincerely desires to make
his disciple great by enabling him to attain the same level of consciousness without
delay. What it requires for the disciple is first tyaga (sacrifice), samarpan (surrender) and
then seva (service) (That is, seva cannot be done without tyaga and samarpan). Only through
this, we can achieve the preeti for Guru, Krishna and His devotees (service mood of a servant
for his master and well-wisher). In order to achieve this category of tyaga, samarpan and
seva-bhava, it is very much required that we follow in the footsteps of our great Guru by
surrendering to him. One can be surrendered to Guru, if one accepts Guru as Ishvara (Lord)
and being truthful to him. One has to expose ones good and bad things and share ones
understanding in order to achieve the oneness with the heart of Maharajji. Oneness of heart is
not having same consciousness but having matching consciousness. This could be achieved
by following Maharajjis instruction by being obedient to him and by discussing ones
understanding of consciouness and improving on that (guru-aagya). It doesnt mean that we
cant suggest Maharajji but we should not suggest to force our understanding or our opinion
on Maharajji, rather it should be acceptable to Maharajji. Then only it is anukulyena. If we
are not clear on Maharajjis instruction or have doubt on that we must ask Maharajji with
open heart. If we have personal agenda (motive) or we try to be more smart (which basically
means it will create an ego that we are better than Maharajji in certain aspects) or we try to
hide something from Maharajji or we dont clarify our doubt or misunderstanding, then one
will fall from this path or get disillusioned. Ones consciousness will fall from transcendental
to materialistic where one will start working for his body or things related with the body like
ones family or materialistic gain. This is where one will start cheating others by ones action.
This is pakhand. Thus one will destroy oneself and people related with him. This is how one
is implicated with offense, as all this displeases Guru, devotees (sadhu) and Lord (Bhagavan).
Unfortunately, one offense leads to another offense and that lead to even more grave offense
and thus we are lost from our real purpose and real path. Sometimes one may regain the

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consciousness (freed from the offense) after few years some times it may take lives to get
relieved of such offenses. The conclusion is that if we are serious on this path we must be
following Maharajjis instruction with sincerity and obedience and what will be pleasing to
Maharajji and not necessarily us, as Bhagavatam has mentioned that we can overcome all our
obstacles and our impurities by surrendering to SriGuru and by following what he instructs
(Baat maan karke chalana hoga) as he understands what is good for us. Until and unless he
foresee that we are following his instruction with sincerity and purity and we have
surrendered to him without any ulterior motive, how can he imparts the higher knowledge,
how can the raganuga tattva descends to our heart and we can understand the pure love for
which Lord descends in the form of Guru. He is eager to grant that divine love (prema), are
we ready for it?
I am sorry that I have to present the philosophy instead of explaining how I have degraded
myself, which was the purpose of this mail. The reason that I have explained the above
philosophy which most of you already know was that this will help you in understanding how
I have committed offense from what you will read about me below and how offense leads to
another offense.
When I was with Maharajji, I developed this misconception, because of asatsang, that even
though Maharajji is experienced, perfect and knowledgeable, still he is very hard hearted, and
he is not interested in the spiritual progress of his disciples. I developed the understanding
that he cares only for his cows and he uses his disciples to maintain the go-seva. Although
there was no such personal experience, but this is what I used to hear those days, because of
this I developed fear within me and thus, even though, I was interested in understanding our
Gaudiya vaishanava philosophy in depth (about Bhava and other higher tattva), I could not
develop the courage to ask such questions. Gradually this turned into a propensity of hiding
internal matters from Maharajji, which later developed as my nature (svabhava). This
disqualified me from serving Maharajji properly even though I was faithful to him. I was not
able to reconcile the different injunctions of Maharajji where he encourages one to do goseva, to follow the words of Sri Guru (being obedient), encouragement for studying sastras,
working for achieving the vraja bhava, being ek-nistha (fully surrendered) to Maharajji and
working for protecting the vedic culture, protection of manuscript and book preservation. I
was faithful towards Maharajji because of two things one, the definition of Uttama bhakti
as given by Sri Rupa Goswami and explained by Maharajji to me and second, I saw that
Maharajaji is personification ( uttama bhakti ki sakshat murti ) of Uttama-Bhakti. Although I
was interested in understanding further detail, because of inner fear I could not courage to
discuss that, I started inquiring from other means like studying on my own or discussing
with other godbrothers and other scholars in vraja. But since I was not able to reconcile all
the teachings of Maharajji, I was feeling scattered within. I could not discuss much with other
disciples as I was fearful that they may tell to maharajji. All these confusions lead to wastage
of the golden ten years which could have been very different if I could have gained the right
consciousness in the very beginning. Even though I was studying sastra, was in association of
the five most potent anga (practices) of devotional service( hearing of SrimadBhagavatam,chanting Holy names of Krishna, Association of great personality like
Maharajaji, living in holy place of lord like Vrindavana and visiting to temples to see the
deity of Radha-Shyamsundara etc) as explained in Bhaktirasamrita sindhu, still they were not
ready to help be to overcome the void I was feeling within. This internal voidness or splitting
of consciousness gradually started affecting the work I was doing with Maharajji. Because of
this hiding propensity, I started making my own decisions. I started feeling that in organizing
and managing things I can think better than Maharajji. I developed the understanding that

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anyway I was doing aanukulya (favourable) service to Maharajji. My logic was if I could do
something better, then what is the need to explain Maharajji. Also, there was a fear within
that if I discuss, may be Maharajji could come out with not-so-worthful suggestion. But I was
unaware that I am basically boosting my ego and I was not in synch with Maharajji as this
could destruct me. Now, I could understand that whatever so-called impractical solution
Maharajji was suggesting was to help me becoming more surrendered. Also, I was unaware
that he is always ready to hear better option and when disciple starts using his intellect for the
service of the Lord, it is pleasing to Maharajji. This way I tried to be smarter than Maharajji.
Maharajji tried to help me out several time, but my intellect could not catch it. Finally, I left
Kalidah and came to Jiva Institute.
At Jiva Institute, in order to serve Maharajji, I started to create an association, Auspicious
Personality, Research and Development Department, being inspired by
Bhaktirasamritasindhu, which I believed could help in serving Maharajji. Association started
working and it has gained some initial success too. During those days, Maharajjis health
detoriated, and he was admitted in Noida. I came to know that Maharajji was not liking me
and he was speaking against me. I didnt mind it, because I was determined that he is Guru
and even if he says bad about me, I should not feel bad about it and I should continue doing
anukulya. But what went wrong here is that Maharajji was indicating to me that he is not
pleased with me and he wanted me to come back and learn under his guidance and do the
service the way he was expecting. Because of the offensive attitude, I could not sense the
inner meaning of Maharajji which he was trying to signal to me through the various rumour.
But then someone complained about me that I may kidnap Srinivas or kill him, so he should
be protected from me. Maharajji became quite disturbed. Dr. Satyanarayanji phoned me
because of this. I thought that if Maharajji feels so fearful of me, I must leave Jiva Institute,
as I cannot serve Maharajji.
Thereafter, I came to Faridabad with bag and baggage to one of my relative house, Mr.
Arvind Kr Mishra. I felt Maharajaji is responsible for kicking me out of Kalidaha and Jiva
Institute. But, instead of feeling that if Maharajji is doing that to me, there may be some
reason for that. There may be a possibility that I might have committed some mistake. Instead
I regained my confidence and courage, and once more started working for the same
institution (Auspicious Personality, Research and Development Department) as I was still
in illusion that once I am successful, it would be pleasing to Maharajji. Some of our god
brothers supported me in my endeavor. Maharajji was still in Hospital since he was on bedrest after being operated during those days. Even at that critical time, when I was still in
Faridabad , some of those who supported me, considered me that I was not wrong, had a
verbal fight with Maharajji and one of them used hot words for Maharajaji. I am that rascal,
an unfortunate fallen soul, because of whom Maharajji has to tolerate such harsh words and
abuse, because of me some disciples committed offense against Maharajji. What a funny
situation, that I was getting inflicted with such great offense day after day, and I was still
considering that one day Maharajji will be pleased of my endeavor. Instead of being in synch
with Maharajji I was going away from Maharajji.
There was a small child , he used to play kanche (marbles). One day he complained to Pujari
that Govinda ( ShriRadhaGovindadevaji temple at Jaipur, Rajasthan ) was playing marbles
with him and until and unless he returns his marbles he will not go home. Pujari lovingly
asked which Govinda, Krishna has taken away his marbles. He said the one sitting / standing
in the temple has taken. Pujari went to see in the temple, who is that child who has taken
those marbles. When he didnt find any children there, he asked the boy, he pointed towards

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the diety of Sri Govindadevaji, Pujari thought he was joking, and he ignored the child. But
when the child was too much persistent and demanding, then in order to pacify the child, he
enacted that he was searching for the marbles near the deity. To his surprise, he found the
marbles as described by the child near the diety of ShriGovindadevaji and he was spellbound
and astonished by the mercy that Lord has shown towards the child. You know who was he,
he was Panditji Baba ( Siddha baba Pandita Ramakrishnadasaji Maharajaji). He was VeshaGuru of our Param Guruji. When Maharajji was small boy of age 17yrs, he left his home in
Bengal and came to Vrindavan, after giving up his opulent family, a pure Brahmin and
religious ( Vaishnava) family. When he came to Vrindavan, he was not knowing anyone.
There were many young devotees staying in a temple who has taken Maharajaji with them to
attend Panditji Baba. When the group started leaving after the program, Panditbaba caught
hold of Maharajji, who was a young boy at that time, and said to the group who has brought
Maharajji there, This boy will not go, he will stay with me. Maharajji had no objections
and he never showed any attachment for that group that has brought him. It was so natural for
Maharajji. Maharajji was supported by his family even financially, his family contributed
financially, specially in building up the temple, but never the family expected anything from
Maharajji nor Maharajji had any other thought than serving his Guruji by following his
instruction with faith and devotion. I have explained above points in order to make everyone
understand the degree of offense that I was inflicted with. Such a glorious our parampara has
been, I have committed offense against such great soul who is so dear to Krishna , Gopal,
who loves cow and cowherd family. I have created many problems for Maharajji because of
my foolishness and stupidity.
I will stop here. In the next mail, I will explain how even being so offensive, Maharajji has
accepted me and allowed me to serve . It is this mercy of his that I feel that I must be exposed
and even if one soul is benefitted in understanding the philosophy a little better, even if one
soul gets better understanding of Maharajji and even one soul is protected from being
offensive, I will feel, that I have been relieved of the offense to some extent.
I am thankful to you all for hearing me. I will pray for your blessings so that I may be
relieved from the offenses that I have committed and by your mercy I become dedicated to
Maharajji and remains a loyal servant to him.
Thanks to you all for your patient hearing.
Yours sincerely,
Jay Radhe Govinda,
Bhrigunath
________________________________________________________________________

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Third Mail (Tuesday, 26 June 2007, Nirjala Ekadasi)

!! Sri Sri Gaura-Gadadharau Vijayetam !!
!! Sri Gurave namah !!
Dear God-Brothers & God-Sisters,
I first apologize to you all for being late in releasing this mail and made you patiently wait for the
same. Due to hectic schedule and various services, I was not able to devote much time to work on
this mail.
In my last mail, I had mentioned how I was inflicted with serious vaishanava aparadha and especially
aparadha ( offence ) towards Sri Guruji, who is so great and dear to Sri-Sri Gaur-Gadadhara and Sri
Sri Radha-Govindadevji. This mail will reveal the all struggle and turmoil I had to go through during
those tough days.
Many of the god brothers had tried earlier to reinstate my position, but by now they started giving up.
Till now I was using others to solve my problem, but now I started thinking that I must confront
Maharajji with all humility and humbleness. I should ask, Maharajji, why you have a problem with the
way I want to serve you and bring others together; after all I am doing service to you only. Where am I
going wrong? Whatever endeavor I am doing is to serve you and cows. Then why you are against me
and discouraging me by speaking against me to other god-brothers? If you are seeing any problem in
my endeavor, please let me know, I will correct myself. With this conviction, I went to see Maharajji in
Hospital. But unfortunately I was not allowed to meet Maharajji. It was not a restriction from Maharajji,
but our God-brother explained me that my meeting Maharajji would be harmful for him and there is no
point on meeting Maharajji as it is not going to improve the situation, as Maharajji has already made
up his mind against me and will never like me to be around. It was recently that I came to know, that
Maharajji was furious when he was informed by one of our god-brother that I had come there but I
was not allowed to meet him. Maharajji revealed recently that the entire problem would have got
sorted out at that time itself if we had met, as I could have understood what is displeasing to him.
We should be intelligent enough to understand the mind (motive) of Maharajji. Basically, the situation
that Maharajji had created was to disassociate me from all god-brothers, where everyone will stop
supporting me, and then if I am really sincere, I will have no other way than to surrender to Maharajji
and then there is a possibility that I will hear Maharajji with full submission and follow him
conductively. What is pleasing to Maharajji is not just that I am working for him, but more than that, he
is much concerned about my purity of consciousness the service mood and above all - my spiritual
development (development in the bhakti vraja bhava), which is only feasible by following his
instruction. He has a plan, and he wants to see his disciples supporting him to make his plan a
success (make his dream true), as he understands what is beneficial for the entire world and his
disciples, but we all, especially me, seems to be smart enough, that we think we can serve him
independently without even confirming whether it is really pleasing for him and commit offense of
considering him as impractical. I will prove that how practical Maharajji is, and it is nothing other than
our foolishness to think that he is not practical. It is true that we are educated and capable of doing
many things in this world, but is our endeavor aligned with the vraja bhava, is it conducive and
pleasing to Lord, will it lead us to a higher consciousness the pure vraja bhava, is it really helping us
or Maharajjis plan? If we are independently capable, then what is the need of Maharajji or his
blessings? I am myself sure that it is not feasible for me, at least, and I will not like to make such
endeavor in future. If our endeavor has been pleasing to Lord or even to Maharajji, then we must have
tasted the higher bhava by now, and not just a glimpse of it, but we must be living into the same. But I
feel I am incapable independently, so the only way I have is to surrender to Maharajji. Even if there is
any other possible way, I would still prefer this safe and highest process only, where I would have
opportunity to be purified under strict discipline and love of Maharajji, which could enhance my
capability and free me from all my impurities. After all, in spiritual world, as per our philosophy, I would
be serving Sri Sri Gaura Gadadhara Radha Govindji under Maharajji only. If I am not able to build up
that relationship here, if I am not able to achieve that bhava here, how can it develop in vraja? Is there
any other way for me?
Since the aparadha had been serious, it was not that easy for me to return back and I had to suffer
because of that, for the period till its effect becomes null and void, or at least till some vaishanava or

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Lord mercifully brings me to the right direction. Now I was all alone. Whomever I had thought I could
rely on, they all started avoiding me. My health detoriated outside. I still was dedicated to somehow
work for Maharajji in my own way. Those, who were using me for their purpose, now realized that I
was a no more useful, started ignoring me. I could realize the bitter side of this material world.
I had no money and had no support. But there was still something right, I was still thinking of doing
anukulya of Maharajji and I had a great desire for the uttama bhakti. The blame that was on me that I
had misappropriated the money used for the development of new goshala. I was knowing well that I
have not done this. I was always ready to prove this, but I was never given opportunity to do so.
Whenever I tried to prove that, Maharajji would tell to other godbrothers that I will destroy everything,
so no one should associate with me (Actually I had heard this from our godbrothers). Not a single
person was ready to check the details of expenses what I did for new goshala purpose. ( If anyone
want to check it now, I am ready for it. I have all the details of receipt and payment of amount, journal
book, ledger book, all voucher etc.)
This is how Maharajji was showing the mercy, by cutting me off, so that I could think deeply and
realize that there is something wrong. There was an indication that when I have not embezzled the
money, when I am never thinking of doing any harm to Maharajji or any other devotees, when I am
ready to serve Maharajji by doing anukulya, then what was wrong, why Maharajji was showing fear
for me. A pure consciousness would have caught that thin line, that there must be something else, so
I must have surrendered to Maharajji and would have begged for his mercy. I should have gone to his
door, and caught hold of his feet, that I am not going anywhere, you beat me or reject me, and I am
yours and will remain yours for ever. You are my only shelter. If I have to die, I would prefer to die
here, near you. But I was not that pure. I should have followed the Lord Chaitanyas eight verse,
ashlisya va padaratam pinastumam marma hatham karotu va.
On the other hand, all of you know very well that I was feeling from beginning that in organizing and
managing things I can think better than Maharajji. I developed the understanding that anyway I was
doing aanukulya (favorable) service to Maharajji. My logic was if I could do something better, then
what is the need to explain Maharajji. I remain same instead of understanding the motive of Maharajji
behind all these (that I follow him in the way he expects and the concern about my real spiritual
development). Unfortunately few of my god-brothers who were close to me, developed doubts about
Maharajji. And this is the doubt which has caused a lot of destruction. I consider myself as the cause
of their moving away from the right path. I understand that their lack of knowledge and weak faith in
Maharajji is also equally responsible, but such negative understanding has crept because of me, and
that lead to more offenses. Thats why I pray for their forgiveness who have knowingly or unknowingly
got affected by this and would hope that my revelation may help them to understand Maharajji better
and understand their mistakes and help them to surrender to Maharajji with pure heart and
consciousness conducive to Maharajji and the vraja bhava. I also beg for myself, after understanding
Maharajji perfectly, that even if Maharajji knowingly harm me still I will accept it as blessing, as being
dear to Lord, everything that he does to me, will ultimately be a blessing to me, I beg Lord that I
should see the real mood of Maharajji and the reality of his external behavior which is illusive to the
materialistic people. In actuality, bhakti in our parampara, Its prectice begins with ashlisya va
padaratam pinastumam marma hatham karotu va.(contrary to the understanding that it
culminates to this verse).
I was still suffering with internal voidness or splitting of consciousness and I was not able to relate
various teachings and orders of Maharajji. I was eager to come out of this problem, but I had no
solution. Winter season has just started to fade. My B.A. Final year exams (Agra University) were
nearing. It was the time around beginning of February 2003, I came back to Vrindavan. Dinesh Singh
(one of our god-brother who is presently in Bangalore) and some other god-brothers helped me
financially so that I could take care of my health and appear for the exam. Dineshji suggested me to
speak to Maharajji, but the way others have presented to me, it seemed that Maharajji would not like
that I am back to Vrindavan and he would not like to see me. But soon one day, by mistake,
Maharajjis number got dialed through my mobile and fortunately he picked up the phone. I had no
other option than to speak to him (I would consider that as a divine consequence). I paid my
obeisance and explained that I had come to Vrindavan to appear for my exams and I begged
forgiveness from Maharajji. I was amazed with what Maharajji spoke to me so mercifully: You have
not committed any mistake. Take all what has happened as a mercy of Lord. Dont feel guilty. You are
capable, hence enhance your capabilities and dont just feel constrained. Must work for the Lord. If

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Maharajji would dislike me, because of all my non-sense, he could have disillusioned me. Rather he
was inspiring me to work for Lord. He told me aakhir sishya to mere hi ho (after all you are my
disciple only). This shows how merciful he had been. I felt inside that I will surely accept the
opportunity for taking his shelter and serving him.
After that I lived in many ashrams in Vrindavan, but since their principles were contrary to the
teachings of Maharajji, I could not stay for long in any of these ashrams. In the meantime, I started
interacting with Shri Satyanarayan Prabhuji , and feeling sympathetic to my condition, he allowed me
to stay at his ashram. I also gradually took interest in his work and helped him in his work with
whatever I could. In this way my financial problem was solved, as Shri Satyanarayan Prabhuji
supported me financially. This way, I stayed in Jiva Institute for last three years before moving into the
Maharajjis ashram. During these three years, I was working mainly on three points: First and
foremost, whenever there was an opportunity, visit Maharajji and do some work for him (the frequency
was very low 2 -3 times a year). Secondly, to improve my capabilities (skills) and talent. Third point,
working on my root problem, endeavoring to overcome my problem of internal voidness or splitting of
consciousness.
During this period, I had the opportunity to serve Maharajji by working for the Bhagavat Niwas case,
for which I had to visit several occasions to Allahabad court (highest court of the UP state). Once such
occasion, I had to attend the court continuously for four days, I had to be there in Allahabad, and to
our happiness, court decided in favor of Maharajji. Because of this Maharajji felt happy about me. I
believe that he felt happy because although I was not asked by him, but I had taken up this
opportunity and without fearing for the life, I fought for his victory.
I feel grateful for Shri Satyanarayan Prabhuji, because of him, I could get the admission in MA and he
borne all my expenses. I took over the responsibility of his book publication, where finance was
arranged by him for the same. I learnt the complete process of book production from initial composing
till printing, so that I could contribute much in the publication and cut cost wherever feasible. I
developed a small team who helped me in transliteration and typing the contents on computer in the
proper fonts. I had a belief that one day I will be able to utilize my skills in the publication of Maharajjis
books, which unfortunately, none of us has focused at. I also had the opportunity to work for the
preservation and conservation of ShriJiva Institute books, especially, the old manuscript. The team
that was developed for this purpose is still actively working on the preservation of the manuscripts.
When the things were quite organized, on taking Shri Satyanarayana Prabhujis permission, opened a
Shri Harinamamrta vyakaran (samskrit grammar) division. On success of the same, after lot of
hardship, was successful in establishing Gaudiya Vaishnava darshan (philosophy) Division in Sri Jiva
Institute (I feel uncomfortable on calling it as Jiva Institute, as we are not showing proper respect to
our acharya and parampara, I feel, like Maharajji, to call it as Sri Jiva Institute). It was not that easy to
convince the identified teacher ( Pt Ananda Gopala Vedanta Tirtha), who is a scholar of our Gaudiya
vaishanava philosophy. Once established, it was not that difficult to maintain the same. I feel indebted
to Shri Satyanarayana Prabhuji, who had given me all the freedom to work, and thus helped me to
improve my talent and thus improving my capabilities. Thereafter, I was enthusiastic to take up jointly
with Navadwipji, writing small booklets for the youths of today that could guide them and make them
interested in true philosophy, when Navadwipji came up with the suggestion for the same about a few
months back. Once the situation here at Maharajji improves and he approves such endeavor, I am
sure very soon we will have multiple programs to help the youths.
Third, and the most prime work of not able to see everything converging towards Bhakti, the internal
problem of mine, where I was not able to see the unity in the diversity which is a part of inconceivable
one and difference ( achintya bhedabheda ) and was not able to conquer the feeling of inner
voidness. I worked very hard to overcome this. I studied our Gaudiya philosophy, especially the
literatures by our acharyas the original texts and the bhasya, visited many saints in Vrindavan and
discussed with devotees, but I must admit, that I was a complete failure. I tried everything except
trying to discuss the problem with Maharajji, as I was keeping myself away, and was in the
assumption, that he may still be disliking me, and my frequent visit to him, will be displeasing to him.
During studies of the literature, I sometimes got the glimpse that if somehow, I become ek-nistha, fully
surrendered to Maharajji and ek-hrdaya, achieving the oneness with the heart of Maharajji, then
probably, I will overcome my problem. I had discussed the issue with Shri Satyanarayanji but he was
not of much help to me. Rather I felt that he himself seems to have doubts and confusions within. So,
I decided to solve my problem myself, without inflicting my doubts to others. During this period, I could

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see the discussions that were floating through mails, which was discouraging. I felt really bad that
Maharajji had always wished that we remain united mil kar raho, mil kar kam karo. But unfortunately
we have not taken up this teaching that seriously and had indulged in verbal abuses towards each
other. We can imagine how painful it would have been for Maharajji to hear about such mail
exchanges. What we had heard in Mahabharat, we had seen the same in our lives. I felt ashamed for
the same that I was not of any help.
I feel that this mail has become long enough, so I would prefer to continue in the next mail, the
miracles that have saved my life and has helped me overcome my root problem, and as a result my
return with more clarity and conviction to Maharajji. I hope it will help to reinforce your faith in
Maharajji and to recognize his greatness of how he is connected with Lord and how perfect he is in
reading others mind.
Thanks to you all for your patient hearing. I feel glad if it has helped any of you to be more devoted to
the service of Lord or helped in understanding Maharajji a little better. I am attaching the previous mail
as word document, in case, if any of you have missed out any of them.
I feel happy to release this mail on the auspicious day Nirjala Ekadasi.
Yours sincerely,
Bhrigunath

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Fourth Mail (Wednesday, 11 July 2007, Ekadasi)

!! Sri Sri Gaura-Gadadharau Vijayetam !!
!! Sri Gurave namah !!
Dear God-Brothers & God-Sisters,
I will continue from my previous mail and explain the journey back to Maharajji. I will reveal how
Maharajji has mercifully given me shelter despite all my offenses and how my internal problem, which
I struggled so hard, eventually got evaporated.
I had already explained in my previous mail, how Maharajji had responded when I had come back to
Vrindavan for my exams and with divine intervention he was connected to me. This was the time of
early 2003. Even before this, when I was in Faridabad with my relative, one night I saw Maharajji in
my dream, surrounded by cows and calves. He was inspiring me for go-seva. Thereafter till date there
had been many instances when Maharajji and cows had appeared in my dream. There had been few
occasions in previous years where in my dream I was afraid of Maharajji and sometime Hare Krishna
Das Babaji. In one such occasion, in my dream, I went to the Ashrams goshala, and I tried to hide
myself from Maharajji and Hare Krishna Das Babaji. But despite that, Maharajji saw me. To my
surprise, he was not angry on me. He also lovingly provided prasadam to me. All these dreams
confused me, as what I was experiencing outside through different disciples about Maharajji that he
does not like me and he is intimidated of me, and what I was seeing in my dream, both were not
coinciding. My personal observations were much more in tune with what I could see in my dream.
Similar dreams were coming while my stay in Shri Jiva Institute in last three years, and I sometime
become serious to know the meaning of the same. I do discuss some of the dreams with
Satyanarayan Prabhuji but he could not provide me the convincing answer.
About six month back, I started discussing seriously with Dineshji (B.Tech, IIT Kanpur) on devotional
service on phone, since he was put up in Bangalore (working in a software firm). We started a
discussion of 2-3 hrs a week at night. I liked the discussion as the topic was purely on understanding
Bhakti and sharing our experience and realization. He was also realizing that he is stuck in sadhana
and not improving on Bhakti and it was a concern for both of us to understand vraja bhakti better and
understand why we dont see the improvement even though we have dedicated our life for the same.
We had a common goal to identify our problem and help each other. We started with the definition of
uttama bhakti. One point which he made I find quite helpful, I would like to share with you, that
we must understand our goal better. We need to ascertain what we are really looking for, by being
guided by our Gaudiya scriptures. Once we have our goal properly defined (which must be evolved
based on the better understanding and knowledge), we should try to always remember that and we
should ascertain all our activities against that goal. If the goal is proper and we try to remember our
goal constantly (remembering means that we develop lobha (greed) for that goal), we will never get
lost, although we may not be always moving with a good pace. It was little difficult for me to get this
understanding initially, but gradually I find that it really helps. We started working on refining our goals
and once we could ascertain what could be a better goal, we started looking towards the means of
achieving the goal. We were discussing the points based on Shri Bhaktirasmritasindhu, Shri
Ragavartmachandrika, Shri Brihadbhagavatamritam, Shri Bhagavatasandarbha, Shri Premasamputa,
and Sri Madhuryakadambini etc. We understood well that if we develop the greed or lobha for bhakti
that is followed by our acharya, then our problem will get resolved. We did look towards the five most
potent devotional activities as mentioned in Sri Bhaktirasamritasindhu. But we find that among the top

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ten are these five - taking shelter of an authorized guru, taking initiation and teachings from guru,
serving the guru, following the path of the previous devotees (our acharyas) and inquiry about the
ultimate truth. What we see here is that all these devotional activities are related with Sri Guru. We
also remembered Srila Vishwanath Chakravarti Thakurs Guru-astakam yasya prasadad bhagavad
prasado yasyaprasadan na gatikutopi (when Sri Guru is pleased Lord is automatically pleased, but by
displeasing him, there is no success anywhere). We concluded that Sri Guru has the prime role in our
spiritual development. When we looked into the practice of raganuga bhakti, we looked towards the
lives of our acharya and found that in both forms they serve under the guidance of Sri Guru. Also, we
knew that our relationship with Sri Guru is eternal. That is, he is not only the means to achieve; rather
he is also the goal himself, as we will serve Sri-Sri Radha-Krishna and other vraja devotees under him
only. The question then arises that what should be our bhava towards Maharajji he should be
considered just as an associate of Sri-Sri Radha-Krishna, or should we relate with him with awe and
reverence or something else, or is it a combination of all these. Dineshji suggested who could better
explain this other than Maharajji or if this cannot be asked from Maharajji directly, then any
vaishanava whom Maharajji considers that he could be consulted for the understanding of our
philosophy. This was discussed with Satyanarayan Prabhuji, but he could also not help me to
conclude. We were stuck. I explained about my dreams to Dineshji and he suggested me to meet
Maharajji, when he is so easily available for me, just being at a distance of 2km. But, then I revealed
that I am rarely interacting with Maharajji, only if there is an opportunity to serve. During the
discussion one more essence that came out was that Lord is omniscience, omnipresent and
omnipotent, and since it is He who appears as Shri Guru, Shri also has similar characteristics.
So, it means that wherever we are, He knows and He sees (and thus Sri Guru knows and
observe us) what we are doing and thinking. Therefore, there is no cheating feasible. If one is
really serious, one must be truthful and honest to Maharajji, else, he will be cheated by Lord
who is the greatest of all cheaters. Completely remembering this, one must seriously endeavor for
the highest goal of life by lovingly serving Sri Guru with all sincerity, truthfulness, honesty and
devotion.
Although all these discussion helped me to understand the importance of Sri Guru and to understand
that if I am really serious about achieving the higher bhava, entering deep into the realm of raganuga
bhakti (rather than swimming just on the top surface), then the door is Sri Guru and none others. Even
if there may be other ways, when Sri Guru is there, why to look for any other alternatives, will it be
more effective and efficient than Sri Guru? But our conversation was not of help in understanding
what should be our bhava for our Guru and how we should interact with Maharajji. It was not able to
resolve the internal dilemma that I was suffering from and which had plagued my life. Nor was it
helpful in understanding the intrinsic details of the various principles, rasa and bhava that was
mentioned in Sri Bhaktirasmritasindhu, Sri Ragavartmachandrika, Sri Madhuryakadambini, etc or
helped in tasting the same. I am going to explain here what has really helped me to overcome my
problem.
About 3 months before coming back to Maharajji, I saw a dream that Maharajji was sitting in the
temple. I saw inside the temple (Garbhagriha) that ground is dirty and there was a mess. Maharajji
sitting there told me, Bhrigu, you do something, here situation is becoming worse day by day. There
is no more proper system for financial contribution. During this discussion, I saw that a cup of water
which was covered by a small plate, the water with glass and plate got disappeared. After discussion I
was looking at the prasadam. Maharajji mercifully gave me the prasadam. I could not understand the
significance of missing water, glass and plate. I discussed my dream with Prabhuji and he told me that
dreams are helpful in understanding self. I was eager to understand it better, so I discussed with

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Pandita Ananda Gopala Vedanta Tirtha, respected teacher of Gaudiya Vedanta at Shri Jiva Institute,
about the above dream (He has written commentary in Sanskrit on Shri Govindabhasya, which is a
commentary on Brahmasutra by Shri Baladeva Vidyabhusan. It was he only who was not willing to go
out of Sri Radhakunda, but with lot of persuasion and assurance, he agreed to be a teacher in Shri
Jiva Institute. He keeps himself away from any politics. When he would cook his breakfast, he would
also cook for me. He was very much concerned about my health and would always advice to take
care of my health). When I explained to him about my dream, he told me that Maharajji is
remembering you. He must be facing problem, so you must meet him immediately. He explained me
many other things based on the dream which I am realizing now that it is eventually getting true. But,
unfortunately, I was reluctant. May be, because, my aparadha has been so great that I could not
believe in his explanation. I thought I may displease Maharajji if I visit Maharajji and thus, I must wait
for some utsav or when Maharajji himself calls me for some work.
st

I think it was 21 April 2007. I requested Sri Padmanabhaji to purchase books published by
Maharajaji. Sri Padmanabhaji stays in Maharajjis ashram in night and in the day time, he used to be
in Shri Jiva Institute . He refused to arrange and asked me to get the book directly from Hare Krishna
Baba. Seeing no other means, I thought of following his advice. Next day I went to Maharajjis goshala
at the ashram at 2pm. Fortunately, I saw Shri Hare Krishna Baba at the main gate. I paid my
obeisance. I gave the list and asked for the books. He arranged Maharajjis books as per the list. I
was having a small bag, and it was not sufficient to carry all the books. I thought of tying the rest of
the books and was looking for a rope. Seeing this, Hare Krishna Baba brought one new bag and
helped me in placing the books nicely in the bag. Contrary to what I had heard, I observed from his
dealing that he had no problem with me. That day I escaped Maharajji and brought home the books. I
had promised to return the bag next day, but unfortunately I could not get time. Third day, I had to visit
Mathura for my nose problem (epistaxis) and for the purchase of certain books. When I came back, it
was 3:40pm, I ran to goshala by bicycle. I thought Hare Krishna Baba must be angry of me. When I
enter into goshala, I saw Maharajjis car in front of me. I got afraid that Maharajji might have seen me.
I was perplexed as I could not even go back. I thought, now Maharajji may think something wrong
about me or may get angry as I had entered into his ashram without his permission. I developed the
courage within me to face the situation and tell Maharajji, if asked, that I had come to return the bag.
When I came near the car, I found that Maharajji is not there. I felt relaxed. I planned to return the bag
and quickly return back. I entered the ashram to meet Hare Krishna Baba, but I found myself in front
of Maharajji. Maharajji, on seeing me, all of a sudden, told me to come along with him to new goshala.
I accepted. I started feeling blissful. I quickly returned the bag to Hare Krishna Baba and got into the
car. Soon, we reached the new goshala.
After the seva, Maharajji said, Look, how cows are so pleased and are running and playing around.
Its because of your effort. Isnt this true? I replied, Maharajji, I have no capacity, it was because of
your mercy. Maharajji responded, But it was possible only through your sincerity, perseverance and
hard struggle for the land. I was amazed and pleased that Maharajji had no misunderstanding and he
could remember my each and every service. While sitting in the reception room of the goshala, he
told, For the go-seva and the preservation of our vedic culture (Bharatiya samskriti), ab lag jayiye
(start working). I was really happy that Maharajji was instructing me for service as he used to be
doing when I was staying with him. I felt happy that I had the opportunity to do service under the
guidance of Maharajji. I thought I may be able to use my capabilities for the service of Maharajji once
more. But the original (root) problem internal voidness or splitting of consciousness that was still
hanging likes the sword of Damocles.

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I thought whether my problem is solved or not, since I have got some opportunity to serve Maharajji, I
must focus on serving him. I understood that for serving Maharajji I have to arrange fund, and whole
life I had to rarely think about money. There was someone always who cared for my funds need. In
childhood, my family took care of my financial needs, in Iskcon, I didnt have to worry about my
maintenance, thereafter, Maharajji and Prabhuji had supported me financially. I discussed about how
to raise funds with Prabhuji and Dineshji, but there was no solution. I didnt want to compromise with
any means to earn fund that could demean uttama Bhakti.
This two problem solution for fund and internal voidness or splitting of consciousness constantly
nagged me for a week. Finally, one day, I was sleeping in the daytime, I saw a beautiful dream.
Maharajji was watching and enjoying the greenery of the land of new goshala. I also went there. I was
preparing to pay my obeisance. Seeing me Maharajji said your problem will get solved. I though
Maharajji is indicating about my long lasting doubt which I was not able to solve. On realizing this, my
eyes opened. By now, I had developed faith in my dreams, especially, related with Maharajji and
cows. I made up my mind to surrender to Maharajji and take his shelter completely.
This was the turning point for me. What happened next has turned my life. I will never forget those
sweet moments of my life meeting with Maharajji. I do consider those moments higher than any
miracle which dissolved my root problem and everything got synchronized.
The very next day I visited the new Goshala with Maharajji. After the go-seva, finding opportunity, I sat
in front of him, and asked him about how (what is the way) the fund can be raised? (Again I was not
explaining my main internal problem to Maharajji out of fear.) Maharajji just ignored this question. To
my surprise, he himself opened up my internal problem which was eating me up like the white ants.
He said forget about the fund problem. He addressed my root problem, and in few words, all my
doubts and voidness or splitting of consciousness disappeared. I could immediately comprehend that
just by following the instruction of Maharajji (which he always mention Baat maan kar ke chalo) and
opening up ones heart (exposing ones consciousness and doubts) in front of Maharajji, a disciple is
led towards the path of Mahabhava and ultimately achieves the same. I was able to reconcile
everything, what was so impossible, I had complete clarity. I could realize how merciful Maharajji had
been. It is me who was responsible for being distanced from Maharajji. This could have got resolved
several years back when I had developed this problem, if I had taken the complete shelter of Maharajji
and would not have committed the offense of considering myself smart enough. Once my root
problem was resolved, it started naturally flowing, just like on opening the tap, water starts flowing. I
fearfully spoke, Maharajji, how can I serve you, when I am so much offensive. I criticize you,
considers you impractical, what should I speak of others, I myself considers you just a simple human
being like us (manusya buddhi karata hoon), consider myself smarter than you in many aspects of
material dealings (vyavaharik jagat mein main apne ko aapse shreshta samajhata hoon). With all
these misgivings and mistrust, do you still consider that I can ever serve you? Maharajji smiled and in
two sentences resolved all these problems. In three days, he presented me the essence of all Shastra
and explained the deeper meaning of the Shikshataka. I could understood how I myself was
responsible for all my problem. I resolved to return back to Maharajji without delay. After few days, I
moved to Maharajjis place with all my bag and baggage (There is also a story how I moved to
goshala. This story will take few pages therefore I am not writing here. Essence of the story is it that
when my root problems solved then I conclude that for my fast development in Raganuga-Bhakti I
must stay with Maharajaji. It was not an easy job for me to asked Maharajaji that I want to stay in his
ashram. After tough test arranged by ShriRadhaGovindaji, Maharajaji reveal this secret- If disciple
become honest and established conciseness then he will give place to His disciple in his heart ( Yadi

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shisya vyavasthitha chitta ka our ekanistha ho to use ashrama me kya main hridaya se chipakakara
ke rakhoon).
I was peaceful within and very much resolved. Since I had observed that Prabhuji was also confused
about Maharajjis dealings and since he had stood with me in my odd times, I felt to share my
realization first with him, but he was too much upset with me on my leaving Shri Jiva Institute that he
never gave me the opportunity to hear my realization, even though I tried several times. He was
always avoiding when I start this. I hope this mail may clarify if he has developed any doubt about me
or Maharajji.
On my conclusion to this mail, I hope you could realize how merciful Maharajji is. Nothing is hidden
from him (omniscient). He knows everything about his disciples. All the dreams that I was seeing
was a divine arrangement, because of the mercy of Maharajji. It shows how Maharajji is connected to
Lord and to his disciples. How unfortunate soul, I would be, if I could not realize this and fall apart
again from the lotus feet of Maharajji. I would request all of you, against whom I have knowingly or
unknowingly have committed aparadha, to please forgive me and give me your blessings that I remain
humble disciple of Maharajji, the way Maharajji expects his disciples to be. By Maharajjis and
vaishnavas mercy, I should get the power to fight against all evil, even if it costs my life and I should
be able to stand for the truth, the very same way, as Maharajji could accept any loss to stand for the
truth (protection of our pure culture) and to help his disciple to elevate spiritually. I should not support
the side of the asat and adultery (in our pure Gaudiya philosophy), the same way as Maharajji does. I
hope you will forgive me and bless me simultaneously.
In my next mail, I will discuss based on my realization and understanding (and what I have
understood from Maharajji), about how important is go-seva for our spiritual progress (why go-seva)
and would present the pathetic situation that I have experienced here in Maharajjis place in Kaliadah.
Even though I tried to complete this mail early, but by Lords mercy, it is getting released only on
Yogini Ekadasi, the auspicious day of Lord Hari. I am attaching the previous mail as word document,
in case, if any of you have missed out any of them.

Yours sincerely,
Bhrigunatha Mishra

5th Mail Mon, 16 Jul 2007(Shri Jagannatha Rathayatra)

!! Sri Sri Gaura-Gadadharau Vijayetam !!
!! Sri Gurave namah !!
Dear God-Brothers & God-Sisters,
Once I am over with my return journey (back to Maharajji), as promised in my previous mail, I would
like to cover the question that many disciples had in past, and event today many wonders why
Maharajji stress so much on cow service.

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Cow is worshipped in India from time buginingless. The Vedic culture gives so much of importance to
serve cow. When a disciple approach for Vedic knowledge in old days, then Guru gives them a cow
and tell them to serve the cow and when the count reaches hundred then he can approach to get the
knowledge. There is no yagna or rituals which could be successful without the use of cow product.
Ayurveda understands the importance of cow product and thus uses the Panch Gavya (milk, ghee,
yogurt, urine and dung) for various medicines. Cow dung (Gobar) is considered as pure (even
scientist could not prove this wrong, the only excreta that has such power) and was used for covering
floor and walls of houses, including in the kitchens and purifying the place of worship and temple.
Cows urine are sprayed everywhere indoors to purify the place and parts of human body and also it is
famous for its medicinal power.
She is worshipped as Mother (matrah sarva bhutanam gavah sarv sukh prada - The cow being
mother of all living entities gives all pleasures to everyone) and her body is considered as abode of all
demigods (most of you might have seen the photo of Mother Cow showing the residence of various
demigods in her various part of the body). This shows the purity of cow. Cow is embodiment of
sattva guna. By serving her one nurture/foster the sattvic guna.
When we say cow, it is not just cow, but it includes the bull. In ancient India , Cows were considered
as wealth and also as a measure of wealth. Those who possessed larger numbers of cows were
considered wealthy. Donation of cow (Godan) to the brahmans or vaishnavas (who loves to serve her)
was considered as a most noble act.
The entire economy of Bharatvarsha was counted in terms of the number of cows owned by individual
in tens, hundreds, thousands, lakhs and crores. Maharaj Virad, in the Mahabharat era, had a big
herd of cows, which was known as his main property. Maharshi Chyavan was a great worshipper of
cow and so also was Maharaj Rikthambhar. The great King Dilip, an ancestor of Bhagwan
Ramachandra challenged a lion, which wanted to satiate its hunger by eating the cow Nandini, by
offering himself instead of the cow.
Scripture is full of all praise to the cow and service to the cow. I am not here to present all those to
you, anyway all these may be available in many websites and one can go through them in ones free
time. We want to discuss the serving of cow in the context of devotional service. We want to discuss
the question why go-seva.
Lord is worshipped as:
namo brahmanya-devaya
go-brahmana-hitaya ca
jagad-dhitaya krsnaya
govindaya namo namah [Vishnu Purana 1.19.65]
"I offer repeated obeisance's unto Lord Krishna, who is the protector and well-wisher of the cows and
the Brahmanas. He is also the protector of the entire society. Unto that Lord, who is always satisfying
the senses of the cows, I offer my obeisance's again and again." The words go-brahmana-hitaya
indicate that the Supreme Lord is especially concerned with the welfare of the cows and considers
them before even the Brahmans. The Brahmans are dear to the Lord because they worship him, as
indicated by the words brahmanya-devaya (the Lord of the brahmanas).

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In the commentary of Sloka 110 of Sri Bhaktirasamritasindhu, Poorva vibhaga, Dwitiya Lahiri, Sri Jiva
Goswami mentions (I just present the translation): Gautamiya Tantra mentions that those who worship
Gopal, for them, the service to the cow (seva, anukulya) is the giver of the paramabhista (bhakti). By
itching (scratching to remove the insects that bite cow), by feeding cow (feeding that is healthy for
cow, and which gives her nourishment and pleasure), by serving the cows in goshala or gocharan,
one pleases the cow and thus Gopal is very much pleased with him. For the worshipper of Gopal this
is must.
Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu when defeated Kaji, Kaji took a promise that neither he or his family
members nor anyone in his forthcoming dynasty will ever kill cow. Anyone who would not abide by
this would be discarded from his dynasty.
Krishna says in Srimad Bhagavatam, I can be worshiped within the Cows by offerings of grass and
other suitable grains and paraphernalia for the pleasure and health of the Cows, and one may worship
Me within the Vaishnavas by offering loving friendship to them and honoring them in all respects.
SB11.11.43
But all these are known to all of us. This does not establish why go-seva is given so much of
importance over other services, especially by Maharajji. For these too I will take the help of same
information which you all are aware of. Nothing is new.
We need to focus on the basic question: Who is our istha, where He lives and what He likes. What is
our current position, what do we want to achieve, what is the best means and once we achieve that
what we will be doing. These questions answers the question why go-seva. Also, we need to look into
whether Maharajji wants only go-seva.
Who is our ishta: Sri Krishna , a cowherd boy. Who are all His associates: cowherds. What is his
family and society: Gopa (cowherds) and Gopi / Gopika (Wife of cowherds / Milkmaids) What is His
Loka: Goloka (the loka of cows), Gokul (flock of cows, cow-house). What is their property Godhana.
What are their business: protecting cows, serving cows and producing and supplying milk products.
Because of this Lord has the name of Bala-gopala (child who protects cow), Gopala (protector of
cows, keeper of cows, a milkman), Gopakumar (son of Gopa), Govinda (one who brings satisfaction
to the cow), Gopinatha (Master of Gopis).
What do we want to achieve: the vraja bhava, the gopi bhava. What we ultimately do when we
achieve that bhava: the same go-seva, because that is what is most pleasing to the Lord, thats what
the whole divine vraja community is doing. Cows are part and parcel of that community/family, they
are loved the same way as they love their own children (as Sri Bhagavatam describes). When we
achieve that bhava, what we will be engaged in: not just loving service to Sri-Sri Radha Krishna, but
loving service to the cows.
There are other questions which you yourself guess the answer: If we have not developed the preeti
bhava for the cows, will we be accepted by vrajavasis? Can we proclaim that we are servant of Lord
and we are only interested in the service of Sri-Sri Radha-Krishna and we have nothing to do with
cows? If we are supposed to develop the vraja bhava in this world in this body by following our
acharyas, where we will develop that anukulya bhava for the cows and the service to them (go-seva)?

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How does that seva bhava transcend to us: By serving one who has that service Bhava (of course,
Maharajji) and by serving the cows themselves. Because by serving the cows (serving means
anukulya, with preeti, completely understanding that they are the one whom even Lord loves to
serve), one will develop the proper bhava (consciousness).
What is our current position: When Lord Chaitanya Mahaprabhu had appeared, at that time it was
Bhakti age in India , people were devoted, people had main business of agriculture and go-seva.
People were naturally inclined doing such service. It was part of the culture where one was trained
from their childhood to follow their superiors (baat maan kar ke chalna). In present time, we are
polluted with materialistic consciousness and it is so difficult for us to understand the proper
consciousness to appreciate the same. Finding an existing exemplary example is very rare. Try to
understand the challenge that Maharajji is facing - how to cultivate us. The challenge is, from
our present consciousness we need to be cultivated to the level where we become exemplary
example for rest of the society. We need to develop the preeti and seva bhava, which we can develop
through the gradual stages mentioned in one of my previous mail (Quoted below):
Basically it

means, that the way Maharajji, to the extend feasible for him, serves with
mamatva (love and affection) his Guru, Sri Sri Gaur-Gadadhara and Radha-Govindadevaji
with having loving compassion to all living beings and the whole creation of the Lord, the
same way, disciples with his fully capacity should endeavor for loving service by following in
his footstep to achieve the same level of consciousness. This is how Maharajji sincerely
desires to make his disciple great by enabling him to attain the same level of consciousness
without delay. What it requires for the disciple is first tyaga (sacrifice), samarpan (surrender)
and then seva (service) (That is, seva cannot be done without tyaga and samarpan).
Now, this tyaga, samarpan and seva can develop by serving the cows. Go-seva is required not
for Maharajji but for us. By serving cows we develop the mode of goodness, and divine
qualities descends in us. In order to qualify for the abode of Lord, we need to become sreshta
purusa (superior human being), that will cultivate a better society here in this world itself. And the
qualities one gain by serving cows help one to become like that if one does that under the guidance of
Maharajji (baat maan kar ke chale). Once we achieve that seva bhava, even in sadhya stage we will
continue serving the cows with mamatva. If any one of us has better proven option one can try that.
But for me, I would like to go whole heartedly for the go-seva, as who is more capable than Maharajji
to decide what is the best for us. If he considers it so important, I would rather follow his advise
without question.
Now the question is whether Maharajji wants just go-seva only. The short answer is no. What all he
expects from us will be covered in forth coming mails. Another question arise, that if it is not feasible
for doing go-seva physically, then what is the option. The answer is even if one is incapable of doing
service, must understand its importance and support it whole heartedly by all ones means and not
cause suffering to Maharajji by asking the why go-seva and cause suffering to him, who devise best
means to help us. I would like to conclude this topic by reminding one of the pastime of Sri Krishna in
Vrindavan: Sri Krishna has stopped Indra puja that was continuing for so many years in vraja and
instead worshipped Sri Govardhan (where cows flourishes). He worshipped Govardhan as great
devotee, as Govardhan serves the cows of vraja by providing the grasses, plants and a pasture where
cows lovingly graze long nutritional grasses and cherish.

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Although, I had planned to cover the present pathetic situation in Vrindavan that Maharajji is facing,
but since the mail has grown up long, I would reserve that topic for my next mail.
If the mail has helped even single soul to understand the importance of go-seva, especially for those
who desire to serve Lord in vraja and helped to gain confidence in Maharajji, I consider my effort a
success.
I am pleased to release this mail on the auspicious occasion of Shri Jagannatha Rathayatra.
Yours sincerely,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.

6th mail (Tue, 4 Sep 2007, Sri Krishna Janmastami.)

!! Sri Sri Gaura-Gadadharau Vijayetam !!
!! Sri Gurave namah !!
Dear God-Brothers, God-Sisters & Readers,
First of all let me express my sincere apologies for making you wait for so long for the next
issue of this series of mails. As mentioned in my previous mail, there were certain
responsibilities mercifully given to me by Maharaj ji that kept me totally occupied. Several
interesting activities are going on in our ashram under the guidance and supervision of our
beloved Guru Maharaj ji. I am sure you will love to participate in this. Ill keep you
informed about them.
Today, I wish to talk about our revered Maharajji. Having had the rare fortune of associating
with him and serving him for some time, I am brimming with thoughts that I strongly wish to
share with the world. Although full of imperfections, I will make an attempt to share with
you some of my understanding about the Mahabhagavat which our revered Maharajji is.
In essence, Maharajjis foremost desire is that the teachings of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu
must continue in the same way as it has been received in the past through the Parampara. He
desires that his disciples practice and maintain these teachings in an unadulterated fashion.
And eventually these teachings must be passed on untainted to the future generations.
The divine teachings received from Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu are nothing but the pure
practice of unconditional divine loving service. On the appearance of this divine love
(Prema) in the heart of the devotee, all his klesha (sufferings) are removed. All
auspiciousness is bestowed on him, which gradually adorns devotees with divine qualities
and makes him endeared and favorable. This divine love overshadows the desire for the five
kinds of moksha (liberation). This love is achieved by following uttama bhakti. An
important characteristic of this uttama bhakti is that this divine love condenses into an intense
bliss (sandrananda visesatma). Eventually it reaches a stage where Lord Sri Krishna
Himself along with His associates gets attracted to this bhakti and makes the devotee taste the
sweetness of His madhurya.

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According to all the acharyas of our sampradaya, this pure love begins only at the feet of
one's Guru. Maharajji says that when one gets a Guru, it means that he has got the Lord
(Guru mil gaye arthat bhagawan mil gaye)! Service to the Lord is possible only by
serving the Guru; and this service to the guru must be absolutely unconditional. By serving
the Guru one automatically serves the Lord. Hence Sri Vishwanath Chakravarti Thakur ji
says,
Yasya prasadad bhagavat prasado yasya aprasadan na gatih kutopi
By whose (Gurus) mercy is obtained the mercy of God; without whose mercy no path
whatsoever is available to proceed by
It is our great fortune that we have the opportunity for engaging in loving service of our
divine Guruji. Who could be a better person to teach us about this attitude of unconditional
Bhakti than Maharaj ji himself? He is a living example of this pure and unconditional loving
service.
In order to understand it better, I would like to quickly take you through his daily routine. I
am not sure when he gets up in the morning. But I know some activities that he is busy with.
In the morning, he performs his ablutions. Generally, in the Indian society the elderly
members of the family are taken care of by the younger ones who help them perform their
daily activities. They arrange for all the necessary things required and sometimes even
physically help them move about to complete their ablutions.
It saddens my heart to see that Maharajji has to take care of himself, wash his dishes, clothes,
etc. It is true that Maharajji does not allow anybody to serve him. The reason is that he does
not find any individual who is ready to perform anukulya (with a favourable attitude) and
regular service. Another reason is that even if he has someone to perform such service for
him, he prefers to engage the person in the service of the Lord. Only when the ashram work
and go-seva run smoothly will he accept service for himself. Even a small hint from
Maharajji asking for personal service would have been enough for many of his disciples to
grab the opportunity. But he will accept service only from a disciple who follows the
principle of anuklya i.e. performs favourable service in accordance with the mood of the
guru. Whether a disciple engages in anukulya or not will be seen by his urge to do what the
guru loves most, not do that which he (the disciple) thinks is required. Hence Maharajji will
be pleased when a disciple performs go-seva and shastra seva because they are in accordance
with his, i.e. the paramparas desire; even if the whole idea of engaging in such service does
not apparently make any logical sense to the disciples mind.
To talk about his daily schedule, at around 10 am, he gets busy with service of the temple
vigraha (deities) cleaning the temple, changing the dress, offering arati, bhoga, archana,
etc. Since he takes care of the minutest details, the whole process consumes a lot of time.
After 12 in the noon he has to meet people who come to visit him and he handles managerial
activities. At around 3 pm he takes prasadam, the first meal of the day! Even this used to be
irregular since he has always been least bothered about his own requirements. But now, due
to his frail health, he has to take medicines regularly with meals. Hence this time is now
more or less fixed. He is slightly careful about his health now, as he understands that if he
does not keep good health, the regular service to the Lord and go-seva will be hampered.

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At around 4:30 pm he visits the new Goshala by car. I feel blessed as I get the opportunity of
accompanying him. If one looks at him during that seva time, one will be amazed to see the
delight in his eyes that appears when he sees the calves playing in the goshala and by seeing
his bulls hail and hearty. Many of us who have had the opportunity of engaging in go-seva in
Mahrajji's ashram has evidenced that Maharajji is not just doing service to cows but he gets
absorbed in the service of the Lord through go-seva. He had, on several occasions, told us
that this is service to Sri Krishna. He had also warned us on certain occasions that we should
not do go-seva as work but we should do it as service/seva to the cows (He says, seva karo,
na ki kama ).
All who have observed him in the goshala know how much he is concerned about the welfare
of every cow or bull. He is equally concerned about the welfare of his disciples. My
personal experiences with him during periods of my frequent illness testify this.
At around 7pm, he comes back from the new goshala. He takes some medicine. Between
8pm - 10:30pm, he is busy answering questions of the inquisitive visitors who come to the
ashram. He also engages in proof reading. His mood of service to the shastras is evident
from the fact that even at this age he remains engaged in proof reading and publication of
books. Between 10:30 pm - 11:30 pm, he gets busy packing sweets (laddus) for go-seva.
Between 11:30pm - 12:30am, he feeds all the cows / bulls / calves and provide them the
sweets and check grass, water supplied to cows . Between 12: 30 am & 1:00 am, he serves
the deity of Hanumanji and serves at the samadhi of Param Guruji. Again from 1:00 am till
2:00 am, he is involved in go-seva. Even at that unearthly hour no one detects any haste in
his work. He performs the seva with the due patience and thoroughness and with the same
intense love. He returns to the temple at around 2:00am. and offers bhoga to the deities.
After this he puts the deities to rest. Then he retires, only to wake up early in the morning the
following day to continue his uninterrupted loving service. No weekends, no holidays!
Come lashing rain, come raging storm, come biting winters, come scorching summers, help
or no help the service continues, and continues, and continues.
What is that divine power that makes him work constantly in spite of his ailments in this ripe
old age? What keeps his enthusiasm bolstered for serving the cows, the sri vigraha and the
shastras day in and day out - year after year? What is that unseen force which propels him to
look for every bit of opportunity to serve all and accept no service from anyone in return, in
spite of facing many challenges and unfavourable circumstances?
My humble little mind says that it is the bliss of uttama bhakti that keeps him going; the
ecstatic taste of what Sri Rupa Goswami calls unnata-ujjvala rasa
Sri Govinda Lilamrita verse 13.113 says:
triptavanyajanasya triptimayita duhkhe mahaduhkhita,
labdhaih sviyaliduhkhanichayairnoharsabadhodayah.
svestaradhana tatpara iha yatha srivaishnava shrenayah,
sasta bruhi vicharya chandravadane ta madvayasya imah"
They feel satisfied when other feels satisfied, they feel distressed when they see others in distress,
yet any amount of self-happiness or distress neither makes them feel elated nor morose, and they are
always enthusiastic to serve one's ishta deva such are the vaishnavas. All these my gopis are
naturally like that."
In the light of this verse, we can see that Maharajji is the living personification of this verse. This is
uttama bhakti. Maharajji relishes this vishudha bhava and he desires that his disciples also qualify to
relish the same. Once I happened to ask Maharajji how he is able to work with such dedication in the
midst of such unfavorable situations? Maharajji calmy replied it is natural and that he is addicted. This
addiction is that lobha (condensed greed) by which he keeps serving continuously without caring for
his personal needs.

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How great is the fortune of those individuals who have had the opportunity of becoming his
disciples! Maharajji is the personification of the highest form of devotion, and he is ready to
hold us by the hand and help us learn treading this secret path of bhakti step by step just like a
loving father would do to his child. The only question is, are we ready to become that
innocent child who is ready to lovingly clasp his fathers hand? Dear godbrothers and
godsisters! Let me tell you from the depth of my soul; Maharajji is waiting with the doors of
his heart thrown wide open for all of us to bathe in the bliss of uttama bhakti!
And yet, we disciples are busy with our own personal priorities or motives at the time when
there is no one except Shri Hare Krishna Das Babaji near him, when there is not even
sufficient financial support to meet the monthly requirements! But he still believes that some
day some of his disciples will wake up and without any cheating propensity will come
forward to assure him, "Maharajji we are here, we are ready to forgo our personal motives
and intentions. We will serve with anukulya. Please do not worry, we will take care of all
your responsibilities and arrange to fulfill Param Guruji's and your dreams. All your
services will continue as you had expected and everything that you have maintained will be
protected. The teachings of Lord Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu will radiate from this Kalidaha
ashram and this will emerge as the prime educational center for Lord Chaitanya's teachings".
I am pleased to release this mail on the auspicious occasion of Sri Krishna Janmastami.
Yours sincerely,
Bhrigunatha Mishra.
th

7 mail ( Monday, October 22, 2007, Papankusha Ekadashi)

|| Sri Sri Gaura-Gadadharau Vijayetam ||

Dear God-Brothers,God-Sisters & Readers,
In my previous mail I had written about how Maharajji, in spite of his age, ill health and
trying circumstances, is continuously engaged in serving the cows, temple deities, and
shastras with fervent enthusiasm. During this service, there are many antagonistic situations,
yet the reason because of which Maharajji is continuing to work blissfully and
enthusiastically is nothing but Bhagavat Prema! How can this prema be achieved? The
shastras explain that this prem can be achieved either directly from the Lord by His mercy or
by the mercy (anugraha) of a pure devotee. Mercy of the Lord directly manifesting prem in
the heart of an individual is extremely rare and it happens only in exceptional cases. The
normal process of acquiring bhakti is through a pure devotee. It is mentioned that Bhakti
comes from Bhakti. This means that the only way bhakti is begotten is from a person who has
bhakti (in a matured form of prem) in his heart and has the capacity to impart the same
mercifully to others. The parampara is meant for this purpose of transmitting prema in an
uncontaminated fashion from one generation to the next.
This rare jewel of Prema or Preeti, which is being transmitted in the parampara from one
generation to the next (i.e. from the Guru to his disciple), is currently available with
Maharajji. We can benefit from the opportunity of receiving it from him, if we could
surrender unto him and favorably serve him.
The Shrimad Bhagavatam says
Bhayam dvitiyabhiniveshatah syadisadapetasya viparyyayosmritih
176

Tanmayayato budha aabhajettam bhaktyaikayesham gurudevatatma

(SB 11-2-36)
When an individual becomes antagonistic towards Bhagavan, then his attention gets deluded
by the Lords Maya energy. This causes forgetfulness of his real nature. As a result of this
he gets attached to material aspects like body, senses, etc. and false ego appears. Due to the
attachment to the body and emergence of this false ego, various forms of sufferings start
distressing the person. Therefore an intelligent person always serves the guru considering
him as his own venerated deity and free from any desires thus they practice one-pointed
devotion to the Lord.
In this verse, the word gurudevatatma has been used in the context of bhakti. In the
commentary to this verse, both Srila Jiva Goswami and Sri Vishwanath Chakravarty Thakur
write, gurureva devata ishwara atmapreshthashcha yasya tatha drishtih san- ityarthah.
This means the guru alone is the devata, i.e. the Lord, he is the beloved one of the Lord
having this kind of vision This implies that only those who consider the guru to be the
Lord Himself, as well as to be the dearest one of their venerated Lord achieve bhakti towards
the lotus feet of Sri Krishna.
In the Bhaktirasamritasindhu there is a description of 64 angas (parts) of bhakti in the chapter
on sadhana-bhakti under uttama-bhakti. There it is said
Asyastatra praveshaya dvarattvepyangavimshateh
Traye pradhanamevoktam gurupadashrayadikam
These twenty parts are like the gate for entering into the path of bhakti. Among these, the
very first three starting with taking shelter at the feet of the guru are of prime importance.
The first three parts are:
a) Gurupadaashraya (taking shelter at the feet of Guru)
b) Krishna-dikshaadi-shikshanam (initiation and education related to Bhagavat Dharma)
c) Vishrambhena guroh seva (Service to Sri Guru with faith and affection)
In this way we understand that in order to enter into the path of Bhakti, one has to surrender
to the guru, receive initiation in Krishna-mantra and receive education from Sri Gurudeva in
Bhagavat Dharma (Bhakti). After that vishrambhena guroh seva serving the guru with
faith and affection. In this manner we can understand that without surrendering
(sharanagata) at the feet of the guru and without serving him with complete loving affection
one can never receive Bhakti.
In relation to Vishrambhena guroh seva (serving guru with faith and affection), it is
written in Bhaktirasamritsindhu
Acharyam mam vijaniyannavamanyeta karhichit
Na martyabudhyasuyeta sarvadevamayo guruh
Sri guru should be considered as My (Sri Krishnas) vigraha (deity). Never should one
disobey him. Never should one find faults with him by considering him to be an ordinary
mortal, because Sri Guru is the personification of all the devas.

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Here, Sri Vishwanath Chakravarty Thakurji writes in his commentaryAcharyam mam madiyam. Ata eva guruvaram mukundaprseshthatvena smaret.
The Acharya (guru) should be considered Mine ( Krishna s). Hence the guru should be
remembered as a person who is most dear to Lord Mukunda (Sri Krishna). One should never
disrespect him as an ordinary mortal.
In Shrimadbhagavatam 6-15-26 it is said
Yasya Sakshad Bhagavati jnanadeepaprade gurau
Martyabuddhih shrutam tasya sarvam Kunjarashauchavat
The Lord Himself who appears in the form of guru is the provider of the lamp of
knowledge. If one considers him to be an ordinary mortal, all his knowledge of Shastras
becomes useless like that of the bathing of an elephant.
In the commentary of this sloka Sri Vishwanath Chakravarty Thakurji writes- If in any
person there is an intense practice of bhakti (i.e. he follows the different forms of Bhakti very
well), yet if he considers the guru as an ordinary mortal then everything of what he does is a
waste. Here Guru being personified as Bhagavan means it is not right to even consider him
as a partial manifestation (amsa) of Bhagavan. The Lord as the object of worship is present
in the visible form of the Guru. In this way, for the ill-minded person who considers the
Guru to be an ordinary mortal, all his hearing of the mantras, hearing of the Shastras,
meditation, etc. become futile.
The consequence of considering the Guru as an ordinary mortal is that he starts disobeying
the Guru. He starts to have a thinking that is independent of the Gurus thinking. He is no
longer united with Sri Guru in a heartfelt manner. Such a person, far from attaining the Lord,
actually destroys his own life because of his heinous offense!
The one-pointed attention that one needs to pay to the instructions of the guru on the path of
bhakti is clearly explained by Sri Vishvanatha Chakravarty Thakur in his commentary on the
Bhagavad-gita verse (2.41). He writes, The mind is one-pointed on the path of bhakti. The
instruction of my guru (regarding hearing, chanting, worshipping, etc. of the Lord) alone is
my means for progress. This alone is my goal. This alone is my life. This alone is that
which I am incapable of deserting either in the stage of progress or in the stage of maturity of
devotion. My desire is this alone. My duty is this alone. Nothing else is my duty; nothing
else is my desire - even in dreams. Let me experience pleasure or pain in this. Let the
material life is destroyed or not; nothing matters to me. This one-pointed intelligence is
possible only in a devotee who is free from duplicity.
Conclusively, it can be said that on the path of uttama bhakti, one has to surrender
(sharanagati) exclusively to his Guru and perform service by possessing a mindset that is
favorable and pleasing to the guru (anukulya).
We thus understand that Sri Guru and the act of surrender unto him have been given the
utmost importance in the field of bhakti. It can logically be said that the disciples of
Maharajji, who are serious about entering the path of bhakti, need to serve him and please
him with the right attitude. Serving and pleasing him is possible only when we know

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Maharajjis desires, his feelings, his interests, and what he expects from his disciples.
Maharajjis desires are the same as the desires of the Acharyas of our Sampradaya and
eventually, they are the desires of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu. By serving him the way he
wants us to serve him and by fulfilling his dreams we can qualify to achieve the most rare and
valuable gem of Krishna-prem that is residing in the heart of Maharajji. It is this prem that is
propelling him to serve the Lord in the face of grave odds and it is this prem that Maharajji is
more than willing to give to those of us who are ready to be sincere in surrendering to the
guru, acquiring the right knowledge and performing favourable service to the guru.
Maharajji says:
Shishya wahi hai jo guru ke abhista ko sthapit kar de.
He alone is the disciple who understands and implements the desires of the Guru.
As far as I understand, this statement of Maharajji is like the maha-vakya (ultimatestatement) for us. Earlier we had heard Maharajji say that he does not have any disciple! He
makes this statement in spite of the fact that he has thousands of disciples. This means that
we, the disciples of Maharajji, are unable to understand his desires and are incapable of
fulfilling his expectations. This is because we are somewhere not following the dharma of the
disciple. Hence he is forced to make such a statement.
Maharajjis age has advanced. Therefore, we disciples should, at the earliest, try to
understand what kind of expectation he has from us. Knowing this we should follow the
dharma of the disciple and please Maharajji accordingly.
By the mercy and blessings of all you god brothers, I have had some opportunity to associate
with Maharajji closely. I would like to present below my understanding of what Maharajji
has revealed to be the desires of his. Please note that the desires of his are the same as the
desires of our Param-guru and eventually that of our entire Parampara.
I would present them in the simple points below:
1. Development of the Disciples: The first and foremost desire of Maharajji is that his
disciples be sincere on the spiritual path. Nothing will please Maharajji more than to see his
own disciples progress towards the attainment of Vraja-prem. They should be truthful to
their Guru, make endeavor to understand vraja bhakti and cultivate ones consciousness the
way the Parampara teaches us with all sincerity, dedication and purity of heart.
2. Maintaining the traditions of Gadadhar family (parivar): Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu
used to hear and relish the Srimad-Bhagavatm recited by His confidential associate, Sri
Gadadhar Pandit. Later, He gave him the responsibility of performing deity worship, giving
initiation and teaching Srimad-Bhagavatam to the future generations of disciples. Thus
began the glorious sampradaya of Sri Gadadhar, which we are fortunate to belong to.
Maharajji wishes that we, who belong to the family of Sri Gadadhar, must learn and honour
the traditions of the same and maintain its dignity by educating ourselves and practicing
bhakti with zeal and purity. But, while it is true that we have a great inheritance from our
Parampara, we carry the responsibility of qualifying as fitting candidates in the eyes of Sri
Guru Maharajji to carry the flag of Sri Gadadhar family forward.

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3. Go-seva: Sri Krishna, the Lord of the universe, demonstrates by personal example the
importance of serving cows. Hence, Maharajji says, Cow is the God of even the Supreme
Lord. If we develop an attachment for cows and serve them with full heart, the Lord is
pleased and He arranges to produce in our hearts the qualities that are conducive to the
attainment of Vraja-bhakti. The culture of Vraja is centered on cows; hence the names like
Govinda, Goloka, Gokula, Govardhana, Gopi, Gopala, etc. Unfortunately the modern
education system that promotes materialism and is inimical to spiritual progress, trains us
systematically to treat cows as mere animals. Maharajji has the desire to promote the culture
of protecting and serving the cows. In a broader sense, Maharajji says that we must develop
an attitude of love and affection (mamattva) towards all creatures, nay towards each and
every entity that exists in this creation. Go-seva is the ideal, the practice of which fosters
within us an all-encompassing universal love. We then become committed towards working
for the welfare of all living entities.
4. Shri-Shri Gaura-Gadadhara Radha-Govindadev Temple (Sri Haridas Niwas) the
center (Mula sthana): Historically every major Parampara has center of theirs called Mula
Sthana or Matha from where the ideals preached in the respective Sampradayas are broadcast
to the world. Acharyas like Shankara, Madhva, Ramanuja, etc. have established mathas of
their own. In the parampara of Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu, the Goswamis established the
center in Vrindavan. Maharajji has established Shri-Shri Gaura-Gadadhara RadhaGovindadeva Temple (Sri Haridas Niwas) at Kaliadaha in Vrindavan as the center for our Sri
Gadadhara Pariwar. Maharajji has developed this large ashram and has the desire to see his
sincere disciples utilize the place as the center for practicing and propagating the teachings of
Lord Shri Chaitanya in its pure form, which is on the verge of extinction these days. We
have the responsibility of maintaining this pure and spiritually potent ashram where Sri Guru
Maharajji and our Sri Parama Guru Maharajji have performed their bhajan.
5. Unity amongst all disciples: Maharajji repeatedly tells all of us who are interacting with
him that there should be unity amongst all sincere disciples. Only then can an effective group
of devotees be created who would be sincerely inclined towards bhakti. This, he says, is
absolutely essential to counteract the deluge of materialism that is sweeping across all corners
of the world. He emphatically states that the right practice of Uttama Bhakti alone has the
capacity to achieve this result. A tangible result will be obtained if the disciples are sincere in
their spiritual practice, are free from ulterior motives, and work unitedly for a common
cause. For this to happen it is important that all of us free ourselves from all doubts. In case
we have any doubt, we can always approach Guru Maharajji and get clarity. He feels more
than happy when his disciples interact with him. He patiently and lovingly answers all
queries and ensures that we are freed from doubts.
6. Shri Vigraha-seva (Service to the temple deities): Sri Vigraha (temple deities) is nondifferent from the Lord and therefore Maharajji serves the vigrahas in Shri-Shri GauraGadadhara Radha-Govinda Temple with full fervour and devotion. Disciples should qualify
to learn how vigraha seva is done by Maharajji. This vigraha seva helps us focus our mind
on the personal aspect of the Lord and on serving Him through personal involvement.
Maharajji desires that this practice of vigraha seva must continue. This vigraha seva is one of
the three major sevas done in the ashram, namely, vigarha seva, go-seva and shastra-seva.
7. Education of Bhagavat Dharma: A remarkable matter in our glorious Parampara is the
importance that our Acharyas have given to education in the Bhagavat Dharma. Maharajji is
a living example. When mundane scholars specialize in one field of Sanskrit education (like

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Vyakarana or Nyaya, etc.) and boast of it throughout their lives, Maharajji has specialized in
thirteen diversely different fields of Sanskrit education (Vyakarana, Kavya, Nyaya, navyanyaya, Vedanta, Vaishnava-darshan, etc.) and yet remains humble and unknown. While this
is an instance of extreme humility and a clear indication of his being situated on a completely
different platform, this fact also highlights the importance that Maharajji attaches to
education of the scriptures. Since Maharajjis actions and desires are exactly as per the
desires of our guru-parampara, we can safely conclude that the entire Parampara of ours
expects any serious aspirant of uttama bhakti in our tradition to take up the study of the
Gaudiya literatures and educate oneself. Our Parama-guru His Holiness Srila Vinod Bihari
Goswami Maharaj was also highly learned and Maharajji had studied under his tutelage for
some years before he was sent to Varanasi for further studies. Our Parama-guruji, with the
contribution of a wealthy person (Seth Priyanath Pal) had started a school, Sri Gauranga
Vidyalaya. Later it was financially supported by Sri Parameshwar Das and it had run only
for 5 to 6 years. One of the desires of Maharajji is to revive the education system of Gaudiya
Vaishnava philosophy.
8. Book Publication: As mentioned earlier, Maharajji says that there are three types of
service being conducted at Sri Haridas Niwas at Kaliadaha: vigraha-seva (service to the
temple deities), go-seva (service to the cows) and shastra-seva (service to the scriptures). The
third one involves rendering service to the shastras that involves translating them, editing
them, authoring books, and printing them. For this purpose, Maharajji has established Sri
Gadadhar Gaura Hari Press. One of the printing machines in this Press has a glorious
history. It once belonged to Sri Krishna-das Babaji of Kusum Sarovar, the famous
personality of bygone days, who had taken up the task of publishing rare scriptures that were
on the verge of extinction. This press is treated as a great heritage of the Gaudiya Vaishnava
Sampraya at Vrindavan. We are fortunate to have it in our own ashram and we need to
preserve it with utmost care. So far Maharajji has published about eighty-five books from
this. Of late there has been a lull in this activity due to paucity of manpower. His vision is to
print many more books in the future. It is now up to us disciples to continue this great work.
Maharajji wants translations of the scriptures into English and many other languages of the
world and publish them from his Press. Let us all be a part of his vision, take up this activity,
expand it and thus please our beloved spiritual master.
9. Library: Maharajji has worked over many years to build up a large collection of books
in the library. His desire is to turn it into a standard library of the Gaudiya Sampradaya that
would be utilized by devotees from all over the world. It is unfortunate that many disciples
of Maharajji are not even aware of the existence of this library! We disciples have a
wonderful opportunity of service here since it urgently requires cataloging. Maharajji wants
some serious disciples to take interest in the library and fulfill the dreams of the Acharyas of
our Sampradaya.
10. Pushpa Udyan ( Temple Garden ): It is the culture of Vraja that temples have gardens
attached to them. Hence Maharajji has developed a garden at the Kaliadaha ashram so that
the flowers and tulasi required for seva in the temple would be available from there.
Although it is a garden created with a lot of careful planning, it is unfortunate that enough
helping hands are not available to maintain it the way Maharajji desires. He feels that some
sincere disciples must take up the responsibility of its maintenance.
11. Maintaining whatever Maharajji has developed: Maharajji has worked, and is still
working day and night to develop and maintain the temple, ashram, garden, goshala and
caring for the cows, press, library, etc. Undoubtedly, Sri Chaitanya Mahaprabhu has

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explained the highest grade of spiritual knowledge available to mankind. This exclusive
knowledge, which is on the verge of extinction, is still maintained in its pristine form by
Maharajji. It is now up to us to become sincere and develop within us all the qualifications
that he expects of a true disciple, so that he may be able to hand over this rare knowledge and
realization to the next generation. We should establish Shri-Shri Gaura-Gadadhara RadhaGovindadev Temple (Sri Haridas Niwas)as the best center for the teachings of Lord
Chaitanya to be spread by the blessings of Maharajji.
Conclusion: Maharajji tells us repeatedly that the entire humanity can progress and be truly
happy through the teachings of Mahaprabhu. We are extremely fortunate to be part of this
glorious and exclusive Parampara. I would only pray that we become worthy enough to
belong to the Parampara.
I have attempted to present some of the desires of Maharajji as he has revealed them and as I
have understood them.
I feel happy to release this mail on the auspicious day Papankusha Ekadasi.
Yours sincerely,
Bhrigunath Mishra.

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