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-------------------some comments
I am one of the customers who recently purchased mobile phone from your shop [Unnecessary], and I am writing to
complain about its defects.
suggested correction: I am writing to inform you about a problems in my recent purchase from your shop. Please
allow me to elaborate my situation.
For your information [Repeating meanings], I bought Samsung Galaxy S4 from your store on 23rd of June 2013, just
four days ago. However, I was very surprised to notice problems with the model of two years warranty and which I
expect was of very high quality. The first malfunction I notice was front camera that was slightly broken and was
unable to take pictures from that side. Secondly, the device automatically switched off every hour which I believe is
the factory defects. [Sentences need revision]
I immediately contacted your shop to return the faulty handset, and talked with your shop manager regarding this
fault. [Break sentence into simple. Sentence need revision] However, he suggested me to have it repaired on my own.
You can imagine how receiving this offer disappoints me. I insist you to replace the faulty mobile, and send me the
new one. Otherwise I will be forced to stop my payments to your store.
-------------------Dear Sir/Madam,
comment: This is a standard address when you don't know whom you are writing to.
I'm writing to you to express my dissatisfaction with a product, that I've purchased in your store in London airport`s duty
free zone.
Last Sunday the 11th of August, I've returned back to Moscow from London. While waiting inside the duty free zone I've
decided to buy the MiMiMi Phone7 (awesome name! ha!) in your store. After two days of using my new phone I've
realized, that the volume hardware button just had stopped working. I was very disappointed to see this latest expensive
model with a 2-years warranty breaking down so soon. I was almost ready to accept this little inconvenience, but
unfortunately this fault was just the beginning. Three days later my phone stopped to connecting to wifi networks. You
can imagine how these failures upset me.
Comment: Here's a very simple explanantion for using present perfect: it's only for talking about the present. Because
you are telling a story in the past, you should use past simple (and past continuous and past perfect). You'll never give a
time reference for a present perfect action.
Stopped to connect means the phone finished one action, and then connected. Stopped connecting means the
connection is the finished action.
The seller in your store assured me, that although the store itself doesn't provide any warranty to customers, I'd still be
able to make use of MiMiMi's global warranty in my home town. Two days ago I've decided to contact the local MiMiMi
representatives, but the manager in charge refused to repair the phone and informed me, that this particular model is not
eligible for your global warranty terms.
I insist on the urgent repairing of my phone, otherwise I'm going to write a complaint to your supervisor will be obliged to
take the matter further.
Comment: The last line looks like a blunt threat. We threaten with much more discretion in formal English. :)
Yours sincerely, (I don't know why you should be faithful to people who are messing you around.)
Vladimir
comment: In general, this was pretty good. Just pay attention to the usual tricky things such as perfect tenses and
articles.
-------------------I am writing to express my feeling about report the breakdown of the Mobile Phone
--> This should be more like a complaint letter, so I don't think "express my feeling" is
really appropriate.
The malfunction I noticed about hanging the mobile phone when I tried to make a call.
--> This is an incomplete sentence: it doesn't have a verb. My suggestion to revise it: "I
noticed the malfunction when I tried to make a call." or change the order of this sentence to
read to clear and convincing - When I tried to make a call, I found it is not in order.
I am very surprised to see that much problem in a quite expensive model.
--> I was taken by surprise how such a new and expensive model could malfunction.
Naturally, I returned the mobile phone to your store to be replaced with the new one.
.... I think here you are going one step further. What your prompt actually asks you is that
to write a complain letter informing the manager about malfunctioning of the mobile phone.
I guess you should stop at that and should not extend the case to any more further steps.
After four weeks later, I contacted by your store representative
--> (use either "After" or "later" because they have the same meaning)
and expect from you to serious action against my complaint as soon as possible.
... and believe that you would give your serious attention to this complaint.