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BY EVAN ASH
(A college dorm room. Items of LOTR importance are plastered on the
walls, DVD and pizza boxes litter the floor.)
DAVE: Ugh(Dave takes out a tape recorder.) Lord of the Rings MegaMarathon 2015. Entry 45. Hour 9. We have reached the halfway point of
Return of the King. Rick has eaten himself into a pizza sweat. Jimmy
is in a catatonic state and on his 13th Mountain Dew.
JIMMY: Dave, we need to do something different. Weve watched these
movies without fail every year since sophomore year of high school.
RICK: Yeah, dude. Even the extended editions. Ive had to swill so
much caffiene that I dont even know which way is up anymore.
JIMMY: You know what would be cool?
DAVE/RICK: What?
JIMMY: My sophomore year, I saw a play where these three friends tried
to perform all the works of Shakespeare in two hours. They did really
funny stuff like a cooking show, and a football game, and a lot of
gender-bending
RICK: Dave, wasnt your girlfriend in that?
DAVE: Oh yeah, yeah. That show was hilarious. They made a joke about
lyme disease and there was a dude in the audience who had it. Too
soon, too soon.
JIMMY: Well, we should do that. We can call it...Lord of the Rings
Abridged.
RICK: Dude, Peter Jackson is gonna sue our ass off!
JIMMY: Relax, dude...We wont use a ring. Well find something else.
DAVE: What about a banana?
RICK/JIMMY: (Incredulously.) A banana?
DAVE: Yeah...we can call it...The Fellowship of the Banana!
DAVE: Okay, guys. We have 683 minutes to perform the full versions of
all three of the main movies.
RICK: (Approaches an audience member while carrying a stopwatch.) Hey,
uh, we need to time this for posteritys sake. Can you do this for us?
Thanks.
PHIL: So, uh...where are we going to start?
DAVE: Isnt it obvious? The beginning. Ready? Bombadil on three. One,
two, three!
ALL: BOMBADIL!
(They exit. As the lights go down, a video screen flies in on which
the New Line Cinema logo is projected.)
JIMMY: Wait, dude. What the heck is this? This doesnt look like notupper Earth!
DAVE: Uh, how do you think Peter Jackson got funding for the movie?
JIMMY: DudeDAVE: THIS IS IMPORTANT! (He shoves JIMMY offstage.)
(DAVE exits and comes back with a fake black beard and an oversized
nametag that says PETER JACKSON. ALISON AND PETE are dressed in
tuxedo t-shirts and black pants.)
DAVE/PETER JACKSON: And that's my proposal. What do you say?
EXECUTIVE #1/ALISON
Wait, so, you want three hundred million dollars to create nine total
hours of film for an adaptation of the Lord of the Rings trilogy?
D/PETER
Nearly twelve hours for the full editions.
EXECUTIVE #2/RICK
And you want us to greenlight this based on your previous work of...
(consulting a memo) A movie about rat monkeys and flesh eating zombies
and an unfunny comedy ghost movie starring Michael J. Fox?
D/ISILDUR: You shall not have it! (Jumps into convenient stream,
which is a blue sheet and gets shot by orcs, who drag D/ISILDUR off
while leaving the banana peel under the sheet.)
Narrator: For many wonderful years the banana peel was lost to Middle
Earth. And then, a creature named Gollum found it.
J/GOLLUM: Ooooh, will it help us catch fish, precious?
Narrator: After discovering that it indeed did not help him catch
fish, Gollum hid in the pocket of a short fellow who just happened to
be walking by. (J/GOLLUM drops the peel in PHIL/BILBOs coat.)
PHIL/BILBO: What's this? Perhaps I shall ask Gandalf.
Narrator: For many years in lay, forgotten and molding in the Hobbit's
coat pocket. Now, Sauron has learned that it has not decomposed, and
from Gollum has discovered it's hiding place. (R/SAURON is tickling
J/GOLLUM with a feather duster.)
Gollum: Short Guy! Pocketssseeesssss!
Narrator: Right away Sauron sent out his Ringwraiths to seek out all
short guys and search their pocketssseesss. (R/SAURON blows a whisle
and the rest of the cast runs on clad in black sheets with horsy
sticks.)
DAVE:(Flips off his hood.) Okay, Im sorry, we dont have 9 friends
between all of us. Just use your imagination for the rest of them. Or
think theyre in the wraith realm. (Flips back his hood.)
(They are searching under rocks.)
Ringwraith 1/DAVE: Not here.
Ringwraith 2/ALISON: Not here, either.
Ringwraith 7/PHIL: Hey, I heard there's this place called the Shire
where all the guys are short!
Ringwraith 4/SARAH: Lets go check it out!
(In rides R/GANDALF on a white horsy stick.)
J/FRODO: Gandalf! You must help me! There is a great stench in the
house, and Bilbo and I cannot discover the source!
R/GANDALF: A wizard is never late...oh, wait, that's not the right
one. Um, I'm a wizard, James, not a, oh, drat. I can't remember my
line. Okay, let's ride to your house.
(They ride.)
R/GANDALF: Bilbo, why does the house stink so?
P/BILBO: I dunno. Let's get high.
(They leave. Sounds of a large party. The nine Ringwraiths ride up.)
D/Ringwraith: You know, I'm beginning to think there are too many
short people in the world.
S/Ringwraith: Let's stand outside the gate, and when each one comes
out, well grab and shake them.
All but A/Ringwraith: Okay!
(Suddenly a big dragon comes out of nowhere. Terrified, the
Ringwraiths scramble, forgetting their plan to shake all of the short
people.)
P/BILBO: Four score and seven ages ago, our great forefathers and
mothers and Bagginses and Boffins, Tooks and Brandybucks, Grubbs,
Chubbs, Hornblowers, Bolgers, Bracegirdles and ProudfeetsVOICE OF PROUDFOOT: Proudfoots!
P/BILBO: Ugh. Well. Today, I have the honor of celebrating my
eleventy-first birthday.
VOICE: Just say one-hundred and eleven!
P/BILBO: Hey! This isnt your eleventy first birthday, shove off!
AnywayI regret to inform you that this is the end! Look! Its an Ent
on a bicycle! (Puts banana on head, jumps off box.)
R/GANDALF: I suppose you think that was terribly clever! That smell is
following you around. What have you got in your pockets?
(Frodo mopes, then picks up slimy, moldy banana peel and sighs before
stuffing it in his pocket.)
J/FRODO: Hey, I can't go without Sam!
(R/GANDALF sighs and waves staff.) Poof! D/SAM appears.
D/SAM: Gardening! At Night!
R/GANDALF: Frodo doesn't want to go alone to see the Elves. Go with
him.
D/SAM: Okay.
(They leave.)
Scene 2
D/SAM: Frodo, what's that?
J/FRODO: Nothing. Go back to sleep.
D/SAM: I hear some singing! (R/R/GILDOR saunters on.)
J/FRODO: No you don't.
D/SAM: Yes I do! It's Elves!
J/FRODO: Nowait, did you say Elves?
D/SAM: Yes.
J/FRODO: That's it! They can take the banana peel to Rivendell, and I
can go home and get some sleep! (Both run toward Elves) Hey! Help! Can
you help us?
R/GILDOR: No. Yes. Maybe.
J/FRODO: It has been said, go not to the Elves for council for they
will say both yes and no.
R/GILDOR: Yes.
J/FRODO: Can you help us?
R/GILDOR: Maybe.
J/FRODO: Are you perhaps going toward Rivendell?
R/GILDOR: No.
D/SAM: Drat.
R/GILDOR: Yes.
D/SAM: No offense, Master Elf, but you're beginning to scare me.
R/GILDOR: Yes.
J/FRODO: We'll be seeing you then.
R/GILDOR: Maybe. (Gildor walks off.)
D/SAM: Make no mistake, Frodo, that was weird.
J/FRODO: Let's keep walking.
D/SAM: Okay.
(They walk off. Offstage)
DAVE: Aw, nuts!
JIMMY: What?
(They walk back on.)
DAVE: I totally underestimated the amount of people were gonna need
for this. We meet Merry and Pippin in the next part and we havent
even met Boromir or Aragorn or Gimli or Legolas yet!
JIMMY: Dude, what are we gonna do?
DAVE: Call some people.
(DAVE takes out his phone. JIMMY does as well. Their conversations
overlap.)
J/FRODO: It did! But brave, wonderful Sam caught it with his mouth
before they saw it! Wonderful job, Sam! Sam? (Catches sight of
greenish Sam passed out on the ground.) Alas, poor friend. Help me get
it out of his mouth. (It does not give.) Yech! I think the mold is
secreting some form of cement!
(The banana finally gives. Sam revives.)
D/SAM: Sauron is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
AD/PIPPIN: Hey, I feel like getting drunk! Let's go to the Prancing
Pony!
J/FRODO: Okay, but call me Mr. Underhill.
AD/PIPPIN: Why?
J/FRODO: I don't know. But you called me it earlier.
AD/PIPPIN: Okay.
(A sign flies in that says BREE . The Hobbits arrive at the gate to
Bri.)
(The doorman can be anyone offstage.)
DOORMAN: You shall not pass!
K/MERRY: What?
DOORMAN: Sorry, I've always wanted to say thatAnyway! Four Hobbits!
Out of the Shire, by the looks of it. What business brings you to
Bree?
J/FRODO: Were turning up at the inn. Our business is our own!
DOORMAN: All right young sir, I meant no offense. Its my job to ask
questions after dark!
D/SAM: Its 2:30 in the afternoon!
DOORMAN: Oh. I dont have windows in this shack!
K/MERRY: Can we come in?
J/FRODO: (Loudly.) Oh, but waving Sauron's banana peel around always
helps with a hangover.
(The bar falls silent.)
R/ARAGORN: Oh, brilliant. (Slaps forehead, grabs Frodo and hauls him
up the stairs)
(Sam bursts into Aragorn's room.)
D/SAM: You can't have him! (He is wearing a helmet made of a cube of
beer, and is wielding a wooden spoon.)
R/ARAGORN: Hello Sam, I'm a friend of Gandalf's. Call me Longshanks.
J/FRODO: But...
(Pippin enters. He is wearing a colander and is armed with two
whisks.)
AD/PIPPIN: Surrender or I'll....
R/ARAGORN: Hello, Pippin, call me the Dunedain.
FRODO AND SAM: But...
(Merry enters.)
K/MERRY: Pippin, you spilled my ale...hey, who are you?
R/ARAGORN: Hey, Merry, call me Strider.
HOBBITS: Which is it?
R/ARAGORN: All.
K/MERRY: All of what?
R/ARAGORN: Nothing. Come with me.
D/SAM: Why?
R/ARAGORN: I have to get you to Weathertop before the Ringwraiths get
there.
AD/PIPPIN: But what is at Weathertop?
R/ELROND: Yes, but the short people haven't heard it yet. You spoiled
my line!
J/FRODO: Where am I?
R/ELROND: Welcome to Rivendell, Mr. Baggins. We have quite a file on
you. It seems you lead two lives. One,
S/GANDALF: Enough! You've said that one too many times as well!
R/ELROND: Well at least I'm not gullible to be stuck on a rooftop for
so long!
S/GANDALF: Yeah, well at least I didn't lose track of my daughter!
R/ELROND: Well, at least I have a daughter!
S/GANDALF: At least...
P/GLORF: STOP!
(Both turn to look at Glorfindel. He is carrying the sack.)
P/GLORF: Aragorn just brought this in. Lets see what it is.
O(pens sack, and out falls a bound and gagged Arwen.)
R/ELROND: How many times have I told you NOT to mail yourself to
Estel! Go to your room!
Gagged Arwens eyes go wide and indignant.
R/ELROND: Now!
(She hops up the stairs.)
R/ELROND: Okay, you know what we need? A council. And soon. The banana
peel is really starting to get to me.
(Lights down. Lights up on the council.
J/FRODO: Wait, Im alive?
useless Gondorian, and the heir-in-denial. Well add the wizard for
good measure.
(Everyone is silent for a moment.)
S/GANDALF: My reputation is at stake, because Saruman beat me up. So
I'll go with you and try to save it.
K/ARAGORN: My future father-in-law has been bugging me about getting
my throne. This might help, so I'll go along.
P/LEGOLAS: I've been bored for the past two thousand years. This will
be interesting for a while. I'm coming!
K/GIMLI: I must not let the banana-bearer be surrounded by just pretty
boys, so I'll lend my accent, attitude, and beard. Oh, I meant axe.
D/SAM: AAAGGGHHHH! He...can't...leave me here! I must go! Otherwise
I'll be stuck working with potatoes. I hate potatoes!
AD/BOROMIR: If the Legolas/Gimli fighting isn't enough, I'll come
along and cause problems by trying to take the banana peel, and
insulting the heir to the throne.
K/MERRY: I'll go, cause I don't want to be stuck here. Elrond is
really scary when he puts on those shades and starts talking about
some guy named Anderson.
AD/PIPPIN: Ooooo, looks like fun. I want to go. Where?
(The Fellowship glares at Pippin.)
Elrond surveys the scene serenely: Nine walkers against the nine
Ringwraiths. You shall be the Dellowship...of the banana peel. (Light
down, Star Wars music.)
RICK: Just kidding, thats not the end!
(Suddenly the Fellowship is outside of Rivendell, walking along some
hills.)
D/SAM: Gandalf, I'm still not used to that.
(The Fellowship is on some hills.)
S/GANDALF: Mellon.
(Doors to Moria open.)
K/MERRY: Yeah! Gandalf remembered the password! But what is friend in
Elvish?
(Legolas gives him dirty look. They all go into mines. Then Gimli
trips over a skeleton.)
K/GIMLI: Ouch! Stupid...NO! It's my great-cousin twice removed and
once separated on my mothers' sister's side!
K/MERRY: Oh, that would be your aunt's kidnapped cousin?
K/GIMLI: Stupid Hobbit!
P/LEGOLAS: Yech!
R/ARAGORN: Run!
(They all run out, only to find that Pippin's rock throwing had woken
up a giant water beast. FRODO is being assailed by several pool
noodles.)
Giant Water Beast: (Pre-recorded.) YUM!
K/GIMLI: Stupid Water Beast!
(Legolas, Aragorn, and Boromir rush to save Frodo and the banana
peel.)
R/ARAGORN: Die!
P/LEGOLAS: Die!
AD/BOROMIR: The banana peel is mi....I mean, Die!
(They fight the monster and run into the mine. A stagehand runs on and
locks the door behind them.)
S/GANDALF: Well, I supppose we're here in Moria now.
K/GIMLI: About time!
S/GANDALF: That has to be the stupidest line! Why not something like
Help me! or Aragorn, pull me up!? (Gandalf falls. A faint cry of So
long, suckers! can be heard.)
Outside of the mines, the Fellowship sits in various assorted groups,
all mourning. Until Aragorn stood up.
R/ARAGORN: Hey, guys, I think the orcs might be a little upset that we
killed their cave troll. They'll probably try to kill us as soon as it
gets dark, so we'll want to be as far away as possible.
(All but Boromir ignore him.)
AD/BOROMIR: They had a cave troll.
K/GIMLI: (without heart) Stupid Gondorian.
R/ARAGORN: I know you heard me.
(Hobbits and Dwarf cover ears. Elf starts singing 'I can't hear you.')
AD/BOROMIR: We had an Istari.
R/ARAGORN: Legolas, I know you can hear me, because you're singing
that!
P/LEGOLAS: Well, what if I can?
R/ARAGORN: We need to get to Lorien. Help me get them going.
P/LEGOLAS: Drat! I should have copied the Hobbits. But no, I was born
with ears bigger than my hands! And so Aragorn picks on me. Take that!
(Throws mudball at Aragorn. Aragorn doesn't notice, as he's dirty
already.) Ah, Elbereth! Foiled by Manly Man muck! (Storms off to rouse
Merry and Pippin.)
(The Fellowship gets up, after many tears are shed. They begin their
trip to Lorien. After a few steps through various fields, they are
outside the Golden Wood.)
D/SAM: You know, if we keep doing that, the orcs should never catch
up! But I'm still not used to it, Mr. Gand...(he dissolves into tears,
and Boromir scoops him up and carries him.)
K/GIMLI: I have a very bad feeling about this, guys. This Elf-witch
can kill you for a harsh thought, and if I call her stupid, she'd
probably have me keelhauled!
S/HALDIR: Stupid Dwarf. Keelhauling is for Orcs. We fill Dwarves with
enough arrows to make them look like pincushions, here. And then we
smear them with banana scent, and send them to Rivendell, where Elrond
destroys them. So watch your step.
K/GIMLI: *gulp*
R/ARAGORN: While I'm happy that someone finally put the Dwarf into
place, we need to see Galadriel.
S/HALDIR: Okay, follow me.
(They climb a huge staircase up a tree, and then see Galadriel and
Celeborn.)
A/GALADRIEL: Welcome, we.....
P/CELEBORN: That's my line! You already took all the others, and now
you have to take my last line? No! I won't stand for it!
A/GALADRIEL: I'll make it up to you.
P/CELEBORN: How?
A/GALADRIEL: You know how you were saying that you wanted another
child?
P/CELEBORN: Okay, enjoy my lines.
A/GALADRIEL: Welcome, weary travelers. Just so you know, I can read
your minds, and I heard that, Boromir!
(Boromir turns bright red. Celeborn draws a sword.)
A/GALADRIEL: Relax, Celeborn.
(He sheathes sword, but keeps both eyes on Boromir.)
A/GALADRIEL: Rest in Peace, dear friends.
R/ARAGORN: But don't you want to know about Gandalf?
Galadriel: And if that isn't bad enough, you need to abandon everyone
and go off on your own.
Frodo: Okay.
The next morning, the Fellowship leaves Lorien, in boats that
magically appear. Or, if you've read the books, boats that Galadriel
gives to them.
Gimli: I have fallen in love, but even though its crucial to my
future, the director cut it, because I'm not to show too much
intelligence. Farewell, lovely lady of Lorien!
The Fellowship sails. And sails. And sails. Finally, Aragorn realizes
that the mist up ahead is a waterfall.
Aragorn: Um, guys, I think we should get off the river.
Gimli: But it is a test of our honor and courage! We must go down the
waterfall!
Pippin: Gimli's a bit suicidal, isn't he?
Merry: No, he's just been watching too much Star Trek, and is obsessed
with Worf.
Pippin: Ah, that explains a lot.
They pull the boats on shore.
Frodo: Even though it is imperative the banana peel doesn't fall into
enemy hands, I'm going to wander off by myself.
Aragorn: Have fun!
Boromir: (to self) Just think how Sauron would react if he saw the
banana peel in my hands. He would do anything to get it back, even
stop assaulting my city. Ah, the scent of moldy banana peel is driving
me nuts! (to Aragorn) I must speak with Frodo.
Aragorn: Have fun!
Frodo walks a little while. Boromir follows him quietly until Frodo
stops. Boromir picks up some wood as an excuse for being out there.
Legolas and Gimli run up in time to see Aragorn kiss Boromir. They
figure Boromir is dead, because he wouldn't have let Aragorn do that
if he was alive. All three load Boromir into a canoe and shove him
off. Boromir regains conciousness.
Boromir: Why do I have a boat all to
myseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelllffffff!!!!!!!!!
Now Boromir is dead. Then the Elf, Dwarf, Man realize they are missing
someone. Four someones, to be exact.
Aragorn: Where could they be?
Legolas: Frodo and Sam are heading to Mordor by themselves. The
henchmen are taking Merry and Pippin to Isengaurd.
Gimli: Why? And how do you know this?
Legolas: When I washed my hair in Galadriel's mirror the other day, I
saw the next book. And I don't know why.
Aragorn: You know, I never wanted to see Mordor. Let's follow Merry
and Pippin. Let's hunt some Henchman!
Legolas and Gimli: Lets!
The three begin to run.
Frodo and Sam are on the edge of Mordor.
Frodo: Such a big deal over something so small.
Sam: And so smelly.
Frodo: But I'm glad I have you with me, Sam.
Sam: Why?
Frodo: Because I need someone to cook for me. Bilbo never taught me.
Sam: Oh, okay.
They head off to Mordor.
Frodo sighs.
The night is silent and still. Or would be if there wasn't a very loud
hissing from the bluff above.
Hissing voice: Why can't HE get the banana peel, precious? He has
handses of his own...less fingers, yess, precious, but he has handses!
Frodo: (whispering) Be very still and quiet, Sam. He might be able to
hear us.
Sam: That stench is getting stronger, Mr. Frodo. I wonder what it
is...
Hissing voice: All we wantses is one little ringses...one little
ringses so we can have lotsss and lotsss of juicy fisssh...
Sam: Mr. Frodo? My nose is itching.
Frodo: Quiet, Sam!
Hissing voice: Fissssssssssssssssssssssssssssh
Sam: ah-ah-ah---achoo!
The glade is silent. Until the voice speaks again.
Hissing voice: Is it awake, precious? Is it sneezy and watchful?
Sam: No! No, its not awake!
Hissing voice: Oh, okayses. We can still sssneak up on itses then.
Stay asleep, little Hobbitses...
The owner of the voice, who by know everyone has realized is Smeagol,
reaches for the banana peel, making loud hissing noises. Sam and Frodo
jump up and try to fight him, Frodo going into various Kung-fu poses.
Frodo: Welcome to Mordor, Mr. Smeagolson.
Frodo puts on shades. Sam looks at him, bewildered.
Sam: Mr. Frodo? Why are you copying Elrond?
Sam: Mr. Frodo, I hate to interrupt, but if you stick it in his neck,
how's he going to see it better? It will be stuck away from his
eyes...
Smeagol: Yes, he doesssn't make sense, doess he?
Frodo: Never mind that either. Let go.
Smeagol does so. Sam gets up and stands beside Frodo.
Sam: You know, you're sounding more and more like the Ranger everyday.
Frodo: Never min....I mean...let's just worry about tying up Smeagol
right now.
UH8 sighs, walks into the midst of the Uruk Hai that are about to
fight.
UH8: Hey, guys, can't we all just get along?
He gets many odd stares.
UH8: Maybe not, then....
UH1: I've got an idea...
There is a long pause.
UH2: Are you going to tell us your idea?
UH1: Of course!
There is another long pause.
UH3: What IS the idea?
UH1: Oh, you mean now?
UH4: No.
UH1: Okay, I'll tell you guys later.
They settle down to eat. UH1 starts growling.
UH1: I'm sick of moldy bread...hey...I know, let's eat them!
He points to Merry and Pippin.
Merry: You don't want to eat us, we're...we're (whispering) Help me
out, Pip!
Pippin: We're burrahobbits!
Merry: (whispering) Great idea, Pip! Good old Bilbo...
The Uruk Hai look at him blankly.
UH1: You still look juicy to me...
UH8: Yo, dude, hold your horses...
UH1: I don't have any horses. If I did, I'd have eaten them already!
UH8: I meant that we have orders not to touch the prisoners.
UH1: But I'm hungry...and they look good..
UH2: Hey...wait...if they're burrahobbits, then they are not
Shortguys, therefore we can eat them!
Merry looks at Pippin.
Merry: (whispering) Fool of a Took! Look what you did!
Pippin looks at him in shock.
Pippin: Me?
Merry: It was your idea!
Pippin: Well you told me to say something!
UH1 reaches for Pippin. UH8 lops his head off. All of the other UH
look at 8 in confusion.
UH8: His whining was getting on my nerves. No eating the prisoners.
They're still short.
UH nod. Then a spear comes flying through the air and takes out UH8.
Merry: Wiggle, Pippin!
Pippin: I am!
Merry: No, not in place! Forward!
Pippin: OH!
They start to wiggle towards the woods. Horses are everywhere. Hooves
fly toward Hobbit....who, for some odd reason, already has his hands
free. Even though in the next installment he'll have to slice them
free. But then, nobody is perfect.
Frodo and Sam and Smeagol are walking through a rocky area. They walk
on rocks. They walk on more rocks. And, yep, you guessed it, they walk
on more rocks.
The three hunters run. And they run. And they run. Is anything seeming
a bit repetitive here?
Back to Frodo, Sam, and Smeagol, who approach a vast marsh.
Frodo: Smeagol, there's no cover in the Marsh..
Smeagol: Yes, there is, nice master.
Sam: I don't see anything out there...
Smeagol: That's because we isss looking at a painting. When we get to
the computer animated parts, there will be treessssses.
Frodo: Are you sure?
Smeagol: Yesss...
Sam: How can you be so sure?
Smeagol: Because we ssstole nice massster's ssscript.
Smeagol bounds off into the marsh before Sam and Frodo can grab the
script away.
Back to the Three Hunters, still...well....running. They keep running
until they make a sharp right turn and, well...run behind some rocks.
A massive force of horsemen ride onto the ridge the Three Hunters just
vacated, which brings to mind the question of how the horsemen failed
to see the Hunters. The horsemen ride past until Aragorn steps out
from behind the rock.
Aragorn: What news from the North, Riders of Rohan?
The horsemen whirl about and surround the Hunters.
Eomer: Who are you, and why did you hide behind a rock from us?
Sam: But this looks like the Marsh that Aragorn took us through.
Frodo stops and looks around.
Frodo: Now that I think of it, you're right, Sam. But how could we
have gotten back here?
Sam: Maybe Mr. Gandalf was wrong, Mr. Frodo.
Frodo: I thought we were talking about Aragorn...
Sam: I mean, when you asked Gandalf left or right, sir. Maybe the
Elves are watching us and laughing because we're really going the
wrong way.
Frodo looks at Sam and considers this for a minute.
Frodo: Nope. Couldn't happen.
Sam: Is it possible you're trusting the Elves too much?
Frodo: I'm not trusting the Elves. But I do know how many times I
heard Elrond muttering about getting some filthy human away from his
daughter. Mordor is as far away as I can think of. I think we're in
the right spot.
Gollum: Isss what I told nice masstersss, yes, gollum, gollum, but did
they listen? No, wissse masterssss, they don't...
Gollum keeps muttering as they trudge on.
Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli reached the smoldering remains of the orc
bodies.
Legolas: This stinks.
Gimli: I would think you could come up with a more heartfelt way of
expressing your emotions. Stupid Elf.
Aragorn: No, he means the pile stinks.
Gimli: Oh. Well, considering the stench of the banana peel, it
actually smells rather good.
Aragorn and Legolas exchange glances and Gimli begins to dig through
the pile.
Gimli: Let's see, what have we here? Hm...some nice boots...oh, a very
nice axe. I think I'll keep it.
Aragorn: Could you look for perhaps some sign of Merry and Pippin?
Gimli: I notice that you and Mr. Prissy Elf over there aren't
searching...
Legolas: Mr. What?
Gimli: You heard me. Sheesh. It was you who told me I needed to be
comical..
Legolas: (dangerously) That WASN'T comical.
Gimli: Was too.
Legolas: Was not.
Gimli: Was too.
Aragorn: Enough! The two hobbits probably are dead with the way you
two are channeling their spirits!
This sobered the two up, and Gimli kept digging.
Gimli: Another nice axe. I like axes. Oh...
The quiet exclamation makes the Elf and Man whirl around, terrified at
what they might see. Slowly Gimli pulls out...an axe.
Gimli: Nice. Oh...
He pulls out Merry's sword belt. Aragorn kicks the helmet. Then
Aragorn slips from the scene so he can hop around on one leg.
Aragorn: OwowowowowowOW!
Legolas: Quel esta. Namarie. Anar Caluva Tielyanna.
Translated, this all means "Dunno what the heck I'm saying, but PJ put
it in, so I'm speaking the pretty-sounding words".
Aragorn falls over from his one-legged jumping, and lands on a bit of
rope.
Aragorn: What have we here?
He crawls, following a trail that's been quite smudged by Orcs and
horses but miraculously is still readable. He keeps crawling until he
whacks his head into a tree.
Aragorn: Ouch!
Tree: Ouch!
The three companions exchanged glances.
Tree: I meant whoosh. That's only the breeze you're hearing. Just
simple, plain breeze. Whoooooosh!
The three companions shrugged.
Legolas: That is a dark and dangerous forest.
Gimli: Let's go around.
Aragorn: What fell craft led them inside?
Gimli: Let's go around.
Legolas: It will be a treacherous journey through the eaves of
Fangorn.
Gimli: Let's go AROUND.
Aragorn: And it passes perilously close to Isengard.
Gimli: Let's GO AROUND.
Legolas: But we must enter it. Come, Gimli...Gimli, were you saying
something?
Gimli: I was saying...ach..never mind!
They begin to walk into the forest, with Gimli muttering loudly the
whole time.