Showing Empathy

Empathy

To show empathy is to identify with another's feelings. It is to emotionally put yourself in the place
of another. The ability to empathize is directly dependent on your ability to feel your own feelings
and identify them.
If you have never felt a certain feeling, it will be hard for you to understand how another person is
feeling. This holds equally true for pleasure and pain. If, for example, you have never put your
hand in a flame, you will not know the pain of fire. If you have not experienced sexual passion, you
will not understand its power. Similarly, if you have never felt rebellious or defiant, you will not
understand those feelings. Reading about a feeling and intellectually knowing about it is very
different than actually experiencing it for yourself .
Among those with an equal level of innate emotional intelligence, the person who has actually
experienced the widest range and variety of feelings -- the great depths of depression and the
heights of fulfillment, for example, -- is the one who is most able to empathize with the greatest
number of people from all walks of life. On the other hand, when we say that someone "can't
relate" to other people, it is likely because they haven't experienced, acknowledged or accepted
many feelings of their own .
Once you have felt discriminated against, for example, it is much easier to relate with someone
else who has been discriminated against. Our innate emotional intelligence gives us the ability to
quickly recall those instances and form associations when we encounter discrimination again. We
then can use the "reliving" of those emotions to guide our thinking and actions. This is one of the
ways nature slowly evolves towards a higher level of survival. In other words, over time,
awareness of our own feelings may lead us to treat others in a more pro-survival way.
For this process to work, the first step is that we must be able to experience our own emotions.
This means we must be open to them and not distract ourselves from them or try to numb
ourselves from our feelings through drugs, alcohol, etc.
Next, we need to become aware of what we are actually feeling -- to acknowledge, identify, and
accept our feelings. Only then can we empathize with others. That is one reason it is important to
work on your own emotional awareness and sensitivity-- in other words, to be "in touch with" your
feelings. -- and to help children stay in touch with their feelings.
Awareness & Acknowledgment
Empathy begins with awareness of another person's feelings. It would be easier to be aware of
other people's emotions if they would simply tell us how they felt. But since most people do not,
we must resort to asking questions, reading between the lines, guessing, and trying to interpret
non-verbal cues. Emotionally expressive people are easiest to read because their eyes and faces
are constantly letting us know how they are feeling .

Once we have figured out how another person feels, we show empathy by acknowledging the
emotion. We may say, for example,
- I can see you are really uncomfortable about this.
- I can understand why you would be upset.
We can also show empathy through a simple sign of affection such as hug or a tender touch.
Though empathy is usually used in reference to sensing someone else's painful feelings, it can
also apply to someone's positive feelings of success, accomplishment, pride, achievement etc. In
this case a "high five" would also be a sign of empathy.
Empathy and Sensitivity
In one of the Mayer et al studies, many variables were measured. Of these many variables,
sensitivity was found to have the highest correlation to emotional intelligence as they define and
measure it. (Selecting a Measure of Emotional Intelligence) It can be assumed that empathy and
sensitivity are also significantly correlated. By definition sensitive people are more likely to notice
someone else's feelings and to feel something themselves. But even those who are not naturally
sensitive, or do not have a high natural level of EI, can take steps to show more sensitivity to the
feelings of others.
A basic guideline for showing sensitivity to someone is to not invalidate their feelings by belittling,
diminishing, rejecting, judging, or ignoring them. Even just a simple acknowledgment without
any real empathy is much better than totally ignoring someone's feeling. (See section on
invalidation)
Sensitivity also means being receptive to others' cues, particularly the non-verbal ones such as
facial expressions. This is similar to a highly sensitive radio antenna which can pick up faint
signals. The more information you are able to receive, the more you can help them and yourself.
By the way, a person can never actually be "too sensitive" any more than someone can be too
intelligent. It is only a question of how they use the information their extra sensitivity is giving
them.
Empathy, Understanding and Compassion
Empathy is closely related to compassion, but empathy both precedes compassion and is a prerequisite for compassion. When we feel empathy for someone we are getting emotional
information about them and their situation. By collecting information about other people's feelings,
you get to know them better. As you get to know others on an emotional level, you are likely to see
similarities between your feelings and theirs, and between your basic emotional needs and theirs.
When you realize that someone else's basic emotional needs are similar to yours, you are more
able to identify with them, relate to them and empathize with them.
All humans share similar emotional needs. (See human emotional needs) The wide variety among
our needs is mostly a difference in degree, rather than in type. For example, we all need to feel
some degree of freedom, but one person may need more freedom than another.
Compassion can be defined as a combination of empathy and understanding. Greater empathy

gives you greater information, and the more information you have on something, the more likely
you are to understand it. Higher emotional intelligence makes possible a greater capacity for such
understanding. Thus, the logical sequence is as follows: Higher emotional sensitivity and
awareness leads to higher levels of empathy. This leads to higher levels of understanding which
then leads to higher levels of compassion.
Haim Ginott wrote that "It takes time and wisdom to realize that the personal parallels the
universal and what pains one man pains mankind." Now we might add that it also takes highly
developed emotional intelligence.
Empathy and Conscience
Those who are not in touch with their own feelings are not likely to have a sense of conscience.
They may feel no remorse, no guilt for causing harm to others. As could be expected, studies
show that such people are unlikely to respond to rehabilitation.
One thing which could easily cause a person to lose touch with his own feelings and to
lose his natural sense of conscience is an extremely painful childhood and adolescence.
Such people have experienced so much pain that they shut themselves from it. This pain may
have come from physical, sexual or emotional abuse. The end result though is similar. They do not
experience their own pain, so they have no compassion for the pain of another. Nor do they have
any empathy.
They are also likely to be extremely needy. In other words they have many, and deep,
unmet emotional needs. As adults, they will have developed elaborate defense
mechanisms in an attempt to block the pain coming from both these unmet needs and
from the guilt they would feel if they allowed themselves to feel.
As Freud helped us see, attempts to defend our brains from psychological pain usually involve the
cognitive parts of the brain. For example, common defenses are rationalization, justification,
denial, intellectualization, moralizing, preaching, proselytizing, self-righteousness, projection,
suppression, etc.
In the absence of a conscience, behavior must be controlled by fear, threats and
punishment, or by separation from society. This comes at tremendous social cost, and
evidently is ineffective, given the overcrowded prisons and rising fines.
It seems that laws are really only needed when conscience has failed. We might say that the more
laws a society needs, the less emotionally intelligent.
Too Much Empathy?
In one of their 1990 publications Salovey and Mayer hypothesized that there was a positive
relationship between empathy and emotional intelligence. Since then their studies have indeed
shown this to be the case, (using their test which tries to measure EI). (See Emotional intelligence
meets traditional standards for an intelligence.) Still, their definition of EI and their detailed chart of
its many aspects do not mention empathy -- something which is a bit puzzling. Upon reflection
though, it does seem possible that one could feel too much empathy, to the point where they

become overly-affected by another person's moods, for example, in an unhealthy co-dependent

relationship.
Therefore, it seems to make sense that while our innate emotional sensitivity gives us the
ability to feel empathy, our emotional intelligence helps us decide what to do when we feel
empathy and what to do when someone else's moods are affecting us too much .
Even though it may be possible to sometimes feel too much empathy, I and many others believe
empathy is something we could use more of in society. In fact it is likely that our human ability to
empathize is one of the main ways our emotions contribute to the survival of the species.
Einstein Quote
"A human being is a part of the whole, called by us 'Universe,' a part limited in
time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts, and feelings as
something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his
consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our
personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task
must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion
to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is
able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself
a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security."

Respect
When we show our respect for other living things, they respond with respect for us. Arapaho Proverb
To respect a person is not possible without knowing him; care and responsibility would be
blind if they were not guided by knowledge. Erich Fromm
What Respect Is

We Don't Feel Respected When...

Why It Is Important

Respect, Fear and Control in

Education and Society

Where Respect Comes From

Stories About Respect
Showing and Earning Respect
You Got to Show Folks Some Respect

Measuring Respect
Measuring Respect in
a Primary School

Respect, Fear and Emotional Falseness

Slapping, Fear and Respect

Other Core
Topics
Respect |
Empathy
Caring |
Listening
Understanding

Free EQ for
Everybody Book

Respect, Education and Teacher

Training
Authority, Fear and Respect
Confusion Between Respect,
Obedience and Fear

Respect and Romance

Respect and Culture
Respect, Obedience, and Fear
Why One Teen Feels Respected

The Inverse Relationship Between

Fear and Respect
Study 1
Study 2
Respect and ParentingConsequences for later in life
Non - Core
Jane Bluestein Article
External Links
Respect and Feelings - From the University of Illinois
What Respect Is
On a practical level respect includes taking someone's feelings, needs,
thoughts, ideas, wishes and preferences into consideration. It means taking
all of these seriously and giving them worth and value. In fact, giving someone
respect seems similar to valuing them and their thoughts, feelings, etc. It also
includes acknowledging them, listening to them, being truthful with them, and
accepting their individuality and idiosyncrasies.
Respect can be shown through behavior and it can also be felt. We can act in ways
which are considered respectful, yet we can also feel respect for someone and feel
respected by someone. Because it is possible to act in ways that do not reflect how
we really feel, the feeling of respect is more important than the behavior without the
feeling. When the feeling is there, the behavior will naturally follow.
Why It is Important
Going back in time, respect played an important role in survival. If we think of a
small tribe wandering in the desert we can imagine that a person not respected by
anyone could be left behind and die. Such a person was considered to have no
worth, no importance, no value to the group. This, I believe is the foundation of our

psychological need to feel respected.

Nowadays it seems much more possible to survive without being respected.
Someone could, for example, inherit a large sum of money, have many servants
and employees and have salesmen constantly calling on him and catering to him,
yet not be respected in the least. Someone could also make a lot of money through
having a particular talent which is valued, such as being able to dunk a basketball
yet not really be respected, perhaps because of the way he treats others.
Still, there is a value to respect which money can't buy. Though someone's life
might not depend on it, there are times, many times in fact, when another person
has the chance to make a personal decision - a judgment call. When that person
feels sincere respect for someone else, they will make a different decision than if
they feel no respect, even if they have customarily shown a false, pseudo-respect
to the person.
We can all sense whether we are respected or not. This holds true for those with
money and power as well. Moreover, it is quite possible that those who pursue
money and power are actually trying to gain a type of respect that they never have
truly felt.
When we are respected we gain the voluntary cooperation of people. We don't
have to use as much of our energy and resources trying to get our needs met.
When people respect one another there are fewer conflicts. In summary, it is for
both evolutionary and practical reasons that respect is important, and also why we
simply feel better when we are respected.
Where Respect Comes From
Generally speaking, respect is something that is earned. One earns another's
respect by voluntarily doing the things mentioned above, such as taking that
person's feelings, needs and thoughts into consideration.
Respect seems to be like a boomerang in the sense that you must send it out
before it will come back to you. Respect cannot be demanded or forced, though
sometimes people mistakenly believe that it can, as discussed below.
Since a baby has no concept of respect, and feels only its own needs when it is
first born, it seems the only successful way to teach a child what respect is, is to
earn the respect of the child as they slowly grow into a thinking human being.
The way this is done is first of all by attending to the child's natural needs, such as
to be fed and nurtured. As the child grows, his needs change. He has increasingly
sophisticated psychological needs. He begins to express his own views, his own
preferences, and he has an increasing need for freedom, autonomy and
independence. This is when the adults in his life can treat him with increasing
respect and thereby earn his respect in return.
It doesn't make sense to think of respecting a baby in the same way that we say

we respect an adult. Yet on some level the two concepts are similar. This similarity
has to do with our voluntarily helping that person with their needs. In either case,
we must first accept the needs. For example, if a baby needs to be fed at three in
the morning we don't do it begrudgingly if we respect his natural needs; we simply
accept that the infant has a natural need to eat at that particular moment. Likewise,
if an adolescent or an adult needs to talk, we accept this need and we show
respect by listening voluntarily.
Below are more specific ways to show and earn respect, particularly to an older
child, adolescent or adult.
Showing and Earning Respect
Respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs.
Here are ways to show respect for someone's feelings:

asking them how they feel

validating their feelings
empathizing with them
seeking understanding of their feelings
taking their feelings into consideration

For this process to work efficiently several things are required. For example:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

Each person must be aware of their own feelings; i.e. know how they feel.
They must be able to express their feelings.
They must know how to listen non-judgmentally & non-defensively.
They must know how to validate feelings.
They must believe that feelings have value.
They must believe that feelings matter.

If respecting someone means respecting their feelings and their survival needs,
then if a person does not respect your feelings, they don't respect you. If those in
positions of power and authority do not respect your needs and feelings, they will
not earn your respect.
Here are some specific ways to show respect:

Asking others "How would you feel if..." before making a decision which
affects them
Voluntarily making changes and compromises to accommodate their
feelings, desires and needs
Not interrupting them
Soliciting and allowing feedback. Trying to understand their beliefs, values
and needs
Giving them the opportunity to solve their own problems without
underestimating them, in particular:

1. Avoid telling them what to do.

Avoid telling them what they 'need' to or 'should do.
Avoid giving them unsolicited advice, sermons and lectures .
Remember that the most effective way of finding out how well your efforts are
working is to simply ask, "On a scale of 0-10, how much do you feel respected by
me?" If you have created a safe environment, you are likely to get an honest
answer. Then if it is lower than 10, you can ask, "What would help you feel more
respected?" Then you have the specific information you need to improve your
'rating.' I have found that most people are more than willing to express themselves
when asked such a question. And the answers are typically articulate, and often
surprising.
Measuring Respect
A simple way to measure respect is to use the 0-10 scale suggested above. You
can ask others, "On a scale of 0-10, how much do you feel respected by ____?"
Such a clear, direct question provides invaluable information.
Here are more questions to ponder:

What would happen if customers, clients, and constituents were asked how
much they felt respected by employees of businesses and government
agencies?
What if organizations established minimum standards for respect?
What if children and adolescents were asked how much they felt respected
by their parents and teachers? What if someone took action based on the
responses?

Respect is too important to go unmeasured in society. We track many other less

important numbers, but so far, we don't track respect. Doing so would be a step in
the right direction.
Also see this true story on measuring respect in a primary school.
Authority, Fear and Respect
It seems that authority has two basic sources: fear and respect. On the continuum
below, we can see that the total source of a person's authority could be thought of
as equal to the combination of how much they are feared plus how much they are
respected.
Source of Authority
...........FFear .....................Respect

................0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Fear + Respect = Total Source of Authority
For example, in a dysfunctional family a child might fear their parents 8 and respect
them 2, for a total of 10. In a healthier family the authority base might be more like
Fear 1, Respect 9, again for a total of 10. (See small sample study)
Those in positions of authority often expect and try to demand that those beneath
them show 'respect.' But if they have not first earned respect by showing it (which
is done by respecting the other person's feelings and needs), they may find that
their power is actually based on fear. Once a person no longer fears such an
authority figure (AF), then the AF's power base quickly disappears out from under
them, often leaving them feeling frustrated, powerless, confused and resentful.
Confusion Between Respect, Obedience and Fear
A New York City gang member was asked why he carried a gun. He replied:
"Before I had this gun, I didn't get no respect. Now I do."
Similarly, teachers and parents often believe that if a child obeys them, or says
"Yes, Sir/ No, Sir," it means the child respects them. Several teachers have told me
they felt more respected when there was more 'discipline' in the classrooms. When
I probed deeper, without fail they made it clear that they were talking about a time
when there was more use of corporal punishment in school, and thus more fear of
physical pain for disobedience.
There is a danger in mislabeling fear as respect. To use an analogy, consider what
would happen if two jars in the medicine cabinet were mislabeled. What if poison
ivy lotion were labeled as cough syrup, or chlorine as contact lens cleaner?
Here are some comparisons between fear and respect:

Fear is toxic.
Respect is nurturing.
Fear destroys self-confidence. Respect builds it.
Fear is life-threatening. Respect is life-enhancing.
Fear is forced. Respect is earned.
Fear is learned. Respect is earned.

To confuse the two creates serious problems for society.

See also
Video of police officer assaulting a teen boy and lecturing him about respect.

Another example of the confusion between respect and obedience.

The Inverse Relationship Between Fear and Respect
I have a theory that there is an inverse relationship, or a significant negative
correlation, between fear and respect. Here are some informal sample studies.
Study 1 -- 7 Adolescents
One day I met 7 people between the ages of 13 and 15. I did a small survey of
respect and fear. First I asked them how much they felt respected by their mothers
and fathers, individually, from 0-10. Then I asked how much they felt afraid of each.
As I expected there was an inverse relationship. They felt a high level of respect by
both parents and a felt a low level of fear. They felt slightly more respected by their
mothers and slightly more afraid of their fathers.
These were a group of bike riders, riding around Belgium. They have voluntarily
joined the group so no one had been forced to go. They seemed quite healthy and
happy. Some of them did smoke, but I think it was only three people in the group.
Here are the results stated as average numbers.
Respect Fear
Mother 8.9

.3

Father

.6

8.8

========
Study 2 -- Five Adolescents
I asked a 14 year old who I will call SEP, to do a little survey among 5 of her friends
about respect and fear. I wanted to know how much her friends felt respected by,
and afraid of, their mothers and fathers. Here is the report I got back.
Friend 1
Respect

Mum 0 "She respects my horses more than me"

Dad

7 "He lets me be myself without spoiling me"

Mum 3
Fear
Dad

"We usually have shouting matches, and although she can be quite
threatening, I can shout louder!"

"Im never scared of his reaction to things and Ive got no reason to
1 fear him. If I did something
wrong hed be disappointed more than anything else"

Friend 2
Mum 7 "My mum is a very good mum and I feel healthy being around her"
Respect

Fear

Dad

"He doesnt respect me at all. He left me when I was a baby and now
0 wants me to drop
everything and come and live with him in another country."

Mum 0 "I feel really free with my mum"

Dad

8 "I dont know him very well at all. I know my step-dad more"
Friend 3

Respect

Mum 9
Dad

Fear

"She trusts me to look after my baby sisters and she lets me just be
me"

0 "I dont know where he is!"

Mum 0 No comments
Dad

-Friend 4

Respect

Mum 9 "We get on so well"

Dad

0 "He only cares about himself and his bitch"

Mum 3 "Sometimes we argue"

Fear

Dad

"Nothing he says or does can hurt me anymore. I can say anything to

him swear, whatever
1 and he cant do anything about it because hes having an affair and he
knows thats much worse.
I hate him so much for what hes put our family through."
Friend 5 *

Respect
Fear

Mum 10 "I have the best parents ever!"

Dad

10

Mum 0
Dad

"I love them and I know they love me. They are the coolest."

* Note from the person asking the questions:

(I truly believe "Friend 5" has great parents. She is such a happy personI cant explain
it; theres just something so free and wonderful about her. She really glows and has no
worries. She is so lucky)

Respect and Parenting- Consequences for later in life

When we do not feel respected by our parents while we are living with them,
we have an unmet need to feel respected later in life. This is such an obvious
statement, yet it needs to be said. It is one of the clearest examples of what
happens when our emotional needs are not filled in the right amounts at the right
time by our parents. People who did not feel respected by their parents tend to
take things personally later in life. They may make a big "scene" over
something which to other people would seem small. They do this because
they are in pain from the lack of respect which they are still feeling , one
which originated many years earlier, but likely was not allowed to be
expressed.
They may demand to be respected by their employees, their children, their
students and the sales clerks in the supermarket. They make seek positions of
power where they have authority over others as a way of trying to fill their unmet
need for respect. But when they are in positions of authority it is easy for them to
confuse respect and fear. When they are feared, they are not respected. When
they try to use authority and fear as a substitute they find that they still feel
unfulfilled since you can never get enough of a substitute.
On the other hand, another consequence might be that they have such low selfesteems that they never feel worthy of respect. In this case they will let people take
advantage of them, abuse them and manipulate them.
Respect, Fear and Control in Education and Society
In many countries it is now illegal to hit children in school. In some countries, such
as Sweden, it is also illegal to hit them in their homes. One result of this shift in
social thinking is that children are becoming less afraid of their teachers, and of
authority in general. In the past, the fear of physical punishment was often one of
the main ways of maintaining control of the classroom and of society.
The trend in many countries is away from this form of control. I support this trend,
but at the same time I am afraid we have taken away one method of control without
replacing it with a better one. We have told the teachers you can no longer hit the
children. But we did not tell them what to do instead. The result, according to many
teachers, is sometimes chaos. What is needed is another basis of control.
I believe that respect is this other basis of control. But this respect must be earned
and it must be mutual. It cannot be forced or demanded. It must not be confused
with fear. If we confuse fear and respect we are returning to the use of fear. (See
sections on this confusion and on how to earn respect)
I believe there is actually an inverse relationship between respect and fear. Where
the student feels afraid of teacher X, there is likely to be little respect for the
teacher. If you now remove the fear from the equation, the student has neither fear
of, nor respect for, teacher X. Now teacher X has lost control of the class. But if the
teacher has earned the respect of his students, he still has a basis of control, even
when the threat of physical punishment is removed. Therefore he can be expected

to have fewer problems maintaining control of the classroom. In fact, this seems to
be the case in actual practice. Many educators have told me that the teachers who
show respect to students have lower levels of discipline and control problems as
compared to teachers who use punishment and threats. (See also Authority, Fear
and Respect)
If a child or teenager is treated with respect at home, it is likely he will respond
positively to being treated with respect at school. But if he is hit at home and he
knows that he can't be hit at school, the teacher's job will be more difficult. This is
one reason why I believe it is important that we train all teachers in how to earn the
respect of their students as part of their own formal education. Ideally, I would also
like to see all parents and future parents trained in how to earn the respect of their
children. Some, of course, can do this naturally, but I believe most people could
use some formal training.

Outside of the home, teachers are one of the first representatives

of authority in society. If they earn the respect of their students,
the students are likely to respect others in positions of authority
and society will tend to function a bit more smoothly.
Respect, Education and Teacher Training
I have noticed that one of the quickest ways to start a heated discussion with
teachers is to ask them if they believe students should respect a teacher just
because the teacher is a teacher, or if a teacher has to earn the respect of the
students.
To me the answer is clearly the latter. But the fact that there are still many teachers
who believe the former suggest that there is a serious shortcoming in the teacher
training process.
I also believe that teacher training programs, for example in a typical university, do
not show future teachers how to earn the respect and cooperation of the students.
They are then significantly unprepared when they reach the classrooms.
Further, I suspect that if a person begins studying to become a teacher with the
belief that teachers should be respected or obeyed, just because of their position
as a teacher, it will be very hard to change this belief. What might be needed then,
is some way of filtering prospective teachers based on their beliefs. While this idea
may make some people feel uncomfortable, the reality is that a person's beliefs do
significantly affect their attitudes, and attitudes affect the classroom environment.
Beliefs also affect a person's ability to be taught new things, especially new ideas.
At present the teacher training programs I am familiar with do not test a future
teacher for their open-mindedness. Instead, I am afraid that their ability to adapt to
the status quo is much more highly valued. Much depends, of course, on the
people who design and control the teacher training curriculums and the admissions
and graduation processes. Their beliefs will obviously affect the system itself and

the future teachers created by the system.

I also suspect that if a teacher or future teacher is emotionally needy, and they
have an unmet emotional need to feel in control or to feel important, it will be
almost impossible for them to treat students with respect regardless of their training
and preparation. I would suggest that such people really do not belong in the
educational system and society will be better off if they are replaced by more
emotionally secure individuals (and administrators).
On the other hand, I also believe there are many teachers and future teachers who
agree that respect needs to be earned, so they just need to be offered practical
skills to help them learn how to do this.
S. Hein
January 14, 2008
STORIES ABOUT RESPECT
1. You got to show folks some respect
Every human needs to feel respected, even the least powerful. (We might even
say, especially the least powerful.)
This point was etched into my brain when I saw a homeless man soliciting the
patrons of a fast food restaurant in Florida. The cashier, a street-wise New Yorker,
loudly and coldly told the man that he needed to leave. Everyone in the restaurant
looked up to see what was happening. I suspect the man felt embarrassed,
humiliated, rejected and attacked. I was surprised, though, at how defensively he
reacted. He chastised the cashier for her manner of speaking to him and said,
among other things, "You got to show folks some respect, sister. That ain't no way
to be speakin' to nobody!"
While the cashier and the man argued, I felt empathy for both of them. I could
understand both of their perspectives. I felt a small amount of fear that the situation
was escalating out of control as they both raised their voices. I realized that by not
showing respect for the man's feelings, (by defending herself and invalidating him)
she actually was causing more problems for herself and causing more of a
disturbance in the restaurant. In other words, she was acting counter-productively.
Clearly, everyone, even the homeless street person, needs to feel respected.
Respect is one of those words that is so widely used it has many different
meanings to different people. We all seem to know it is important to respect each
other, but I am not sure we could all agree on just what respect actually is.
S. Hein
September, 1996
Clearwater, Florida

2. Respect, Fear and Emotional Falseness

Father: If you ever come home late again, you are never going to get to use the
car again.
Son: Ok. Ok.
Father: Don't talk to me like that!
How does the father feel when he is saying "Don't talk to me like that"?
Most likely he is feeling disrespected. But why doesn't the son feel respect for the
father at this moment? Possibly because the father is threatening the son.
Threatening someone does not earn their respect. A threat is used to create fear,
not respect. So it is natural for the son to feel disrespectful. The father orders the
son not to talk to him like that. By doing so he is encouraging emotional falseness.
He wants the son to talk to him in a respectful tone, but the son does not feel
respect for the father at that moment.
By doing so he creates more fear, not more respect.
3. Slapping, Fear and Respect
One day I talked to a couple from Ireland who had two adolescent age daughters. I
said, "Since you are parents, I have a question for you about raising children. I just
got this email from a friend of mine who is 18. She said her mother slapped her last
week because she "talked back" to her. She asked me what gives her mother the
right to do this. She said that if she didn't like what someone at a store said, she
would not be able to reach out and slap the sales clerk. She said that would be
illegal. What do you think about this? Do you think it is ever necessary to slap a
teenage girl? Do you know if it is legal to slap your daughter in Ireland?"
The mother answered by saying, "Well, you need to be able to correct your
children. So yes, I'd say it is legal."
I then said, "I agree that parents need to be able to correct their children, but it
seems to me that 18 is a bit old to still be slapping your child. What do you think?"
She said, "Well, yes, I suppose it is. If you haven't been able to teach your child
respect by that age then there is probably something wrong."
So I am wondering now... If a mother slaps her daughter to "correct" her is she
teaching respect... or fear?

4. Respect and Romance

A woman I will call "Concerned" is going to see her new partner this weekend. She
has been feeling concerned about their relationship. A key issue is that she doesn't
feel very respected by him and she would like him to do some things differently. In
this dialogue we are discussing how to present her concerns.
Steve

How much do you feel respected by him right now, from 0-10?

Concerned About 6.
Steve

And how do you think he would feel if you told him that?

Concerned He could possibly feel defensive, or curious, or sad.

Steve

What could you say to make him feel more defensive?

Hmm. Well, I could say, "I only feel respected 6 out of 10." or I could
Concerned say,
"You know, the way you treat me, I only feel respected 6 out of 10."
Steve

Okay. Then what could you say to make him feel more curious?

Well, I could say it like this, "You know my friend and I were talking
Concerned and
he asked me how much I felt respected by you from 0-10."
Steve

Ok. What about sad?

Well, I might say something like, "How much do you feel respected
by me,
from 0-10?" Then we could talk about his feelings first, like what I
could
do so he would feel more respected. Then he would probably ask
Concerned me later
how much I felt respected by him, and when I told him the truth he
would
probably feel sad and curious. Then he would probably ask what he
could
do to help me feel more respected.
We both agreed this last idea was a good one.
5. Respect and Culture
In another story about respect and romance on this page I discussed my friend
who I called "Concerned." In that story she was preparing to have a discussion with
about respect with someone who she had recently started dating. After she had
this discussion we talked again. When she met her partner she tried to use the 010 scale to determine how much her partner felt respected. She hoped he would
then ask her how much she felt respected. Her partner told her though, that "you
cannot put a number on feelings." He also told her that if you like and love

someone you just automatically respect them. He told her that people in his culture
did not measure feelings with numbers. He said this might be something people do
in the West, but not in his culture. He said in his culture one "feels with the heart
and not with mathematics." This seemed to me a bit like saying one measures the
outside temperature with the body, instead of with a thermometer. It is not the first
time, though, that I have heard something like this, so it is something which must
be considered.
It also raises several issues. First, what is respect? Are there different cultural
definitions? Are there different personal definitions?
It also suggests that in a relationship of any kind, but especially an intimate or
romantic relationship, it is important to discuss the definition of respect. It is
important to find a common ground to be able to continue the discussion.
Also, a big part of respect, at least as I see it, is accepting someone. This
implies then that to respect someone we must even accept that they might have a
different definition of respect.
Finally, the idea that "one feels with the heart and not with mathematics," brings to
mind the Mayer-Salovey definition of emotional intelligence. (see my adaptation of
their model) At the very core of this definition is the relationship between the "heart"
and the intellect. According to Mayer and Salovey, emotional intelligence combines
feelings and reason. It seems to me that assigning numbers to feelings and
discussing them rationally is a perfect practical application of the Mayer-Salovey
academic model. But from this discussion I see that this concept may not work at
all in some cultures, or at least for some individuals.
6. Respect, Obedience and Fear
Another example of the relationship between respect, obedience and fear is seen
in a parent who uses threats to try to control their child's behavior. A question worth
asking is: Does that parent want the child to respect or obey them? Most parents
would say: "Of course I want my children to respect me." Then I thought about why
some parents fail to earn the respect of their children, and instead have to rely on
fear to try to control them. And I thought: "What happens when your children are
not afraid of you anymore?"
Next I thought about a hypothetical conversation with a parent who might say: "I
know how to frighten my children. That is easy. But how do I earn their respect?"
Then I thought, "Anyone can frighten a child, but not everyone knows how to earn
their respect."
Therefore, we must teach the parents, teachers and perhaps the world's political
leaders. We can't hold them responsible for something which was never taught
them.

7. Why One Teen Feels Respected

Once I asked a 15 year old why she feels respected by me. Here is our
conversation. (k =ok)
Steve
says:

hi b

Briar
says:

hi

Steve
says:

I just wrote u

Briar
says:

Steve
says:

tell me when u have read it

Briar
says:

Steve
says:

thanks

Briar
says:

about the question "how much do u feel respected by me 0-10 and why?"
10 because you take the time to listen to my problems and you don't
criticize me because of them and you don't try to force me to do
anything that I don't want to do

Steve
says:

ok

Briar
says:

*smile*

Steve
says

thanks
*smile*

This conversation was on August 19, 2002 with Briar Fitzgerald of Ontario, Canada. I have
used her real name with her permission.
8. Another example of confusing respect and obedience
Today I was talking to a teacher in her mid twenties. She said "I think the students
should just respect me and do as they are told."
August 31, 2002. Brussels.
From a 15 Year Old

Here are the words of a 15 year old:

For most teachers I know, respect is automatically
associated with ''treating people in position of
authority like gods''.
When someones tells me to ''show some respect'' it
makes me rage.
They think they have the right not to respect us, but
because we're young we must act like they merit our
respect?

Feeling disrespected at age 21

(Based on a true story)
When Nathalie was home visiting her parents she called her grandmother. While
they were talking, the father came in and heard who she was talking to. He pushed
the speaker button on the telephone so he and his wife could hear the whole
conversation. Nathalie pushed the button back off. She wanted to have a private
conversation with her grandmother. Later she asked her father to please not do
that while she was talking. The father got defensive and said things like, "But we
are all part of the same family. Everything should be open within the family. There
should be no need to hide anything. If you don't want others to hear what
grandmother is saying then you must have something to hide."
Nathalie told her father that she didn't have anything to hide, but that she felt a little
disrespected when he simply pushed the button without asking her first. Her father
got even more defensive and said, "That has nothing to do with respect. There is
no reason for you to feel disrespected. Of course I respect you. It is normal for
people in the same family to share everything. Lately you are always accusing your
mother and I of not respecting you. How could you possibly say that when it is not
at all true? What is the matter with you, Nathalie? Where are you getting these
strange ideas? What are they teaching you at that university? Why do you take
everything so personally? Sometimes I think you really need to see a psychologist
for your problems."
Then he walked away.
Feeling Disrespected at age 16
(Based on a true story)
One week I was staying at a relative's house. I was using the computer in the 16
year old's room. The father came in and we started talking. He was telling me how

his son had made some of the furniture in the room. One of the things he made
was a small table. On the table was a cloth cover. He took off the photograph and
the other things on top of the table, then took off the cover, saying, "I don't know
why he has this covered up. I like the way the natural wood looks." He folded up
the cloth cover and put it on his desk. It was hard for me to believe my eyes. I was
so stunned I couldn't even think of what to say. All I could think of was, "...but it is
not your room!"
When the son came home he immediately noticed the change and he asked me
about it. I explained and asked how he felt about it. He rolled his eyes, shook his
head and said, "He does that kind of thing all the time. He also comes in and
makes my bed even though I have told him I don't like it. It is just another one of
the many reasons I don't feel respected by him."

We Don't Feel Respected When...

We Don't Feel Respected When...

We are forced

We are not cared about

We are not asked for our ideas

We are ignored

We are mocked

Others make decisions about us

without our input

We are threatened

We are stereotyped

We feel imposed upon

We are underestimated

Others do not try to understand us

Others make assumptions about us
We feel intruded upon

We are not taken seriously

We are not asked what we think we need

We feel judged or rejected

Our feelings are not taken seriously

We are not listened to

Our preferences are not taken seriously

We are lied to

Our dreams are not taken seriously

We are lied about

Our ideas are not taken seriously

Others tell us what they think we need.

We are not asked how we feel
Others believe they know what is best for us
Others believe they know us better
Our needs are not acknowledged

We are not given reasonable explanations

and not taken seriously

than we know ourselves

We are not asked for our opinions

Our questions are not taken seriously

Our way of doing things is not accepted

We are invalidated

Our questions are not answered or

are evaded

Our privacy is invaded or denied

We are interrupted

We feel betrayed

We are laughed at
(especially when we are upset or
in pain or some kind of trouble)

We are told that we wouldn't be able to

to understand something (Note)

We feel controlled.

Note on being told we wouldn't be able to understand

We might be told that we can't understand because we are "too young" or "too old" or because we are "a man" or "a woman"
or a member of some other stereotyped group.

Earning Respect... or Confusing it WIth Fear and Obedience?

Video of American police officer and 14 year old

On hold
Respect - Songkram Day | Peru

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Caring
Caring vs. Control

Other Core
Topics
Respect |
Empathy

People Who Aren't Cared About Don't Care

They Don't Care How Much You Know Until...
Spanish vs. English
Caring, Regret, Change
Caring vs Knowledge
Caring At Work

Caring vs. Control

One thing I've clearly noticed in my travels is the contrast between
caring and control. An example of this was in Tallin, Estonia in 2007
where I was once talking with a few young people. They were all
students either in high school or university. They were sitting around
smoking, drinking and talking in a park - just "hanging out."
While we were talking they saw a police officer in the distance. They
quickly started putting out their cigarettes and hiding their beer.
They told me that there was a new law which prohibited drinking
and smoking in the parks in the center of town. They said the law
was designed to create a better image of the city for the tourists.
I knew some of the people in the group. Some had come from
broken homes. One student's father had killed himself. Another
student's father was an alcoholic. I knew that these young

people needed someone to care about them, someone to

listen to them, get to know them and take an interest in
them. Normally this would be the job of their parents. But I knew
their parents hadn't been able to do that job as well as needed, for
one reason or another. I also knew the police officer who they were
afraid of had the power to control them by putting them in jail for
breaking the new law. And I knew it was not his job to care about
them. That is not what society pays police officers to do. At least not
at this point in history.
I wonder what the world would be like if we had more roaming social

Caring |
Listening
Understanding
Free EQ for
Everybody Book

workers who would stop by and have a chat with young people like
this -- who would take time and get to know them and their needs.
The students told me they had nowhere central to just hang out with
and talk to their friends like they had been doing. They said
especially in the winter, when it was bitter cold, they needed a
warm, dry place to just meet and socialize but they only had the
parks. Now they were afraid to meet there in some of those parks
most convenient to them.
I also wonder what the world would be like if we simply had more
people who cared about us and fewer people who controlled us.
S. Hein

People Who Aren't Cared About Don't Care

A friend said this as we walked through a city in former Yugoslavia
as he looked at all the broken glass and trash.
Later I searched his words on Google, thinking it was a famous
quote. But to my surprise, these words could be found nowhere else
when this page was created.
I then searched these similar words "People who don't feel cared
about..." and found these results, among others.....
- Remember, people who don't feel cared about don't care about
others. You have the power to renew these students' faith in the
system and.. (US Committee hearing transcript)
- Research confirms that people who don't feel cared about as
individuals at work are more likely to be disengaged, distrust their
bosses, and display less than trustworthy behaviors.. (success.bz)
Spanish vs. English
An interesting cultural note is that in Spanish there doesn't seem to
be a word for "caring".
In my four years of living in South America I never found anyone
who could translate the concept of caring as used in the expression
"to care about" someone. If they wanted to say "I don't care", they
would say, "No me importa". Obviously, this means more literally, "It

isn't important to me."

This is interesting, though, because it helps us see the close
relationship between feeling cared about by someone and feeling
important to them. If someone doesn't care how you feel, it seems
fair to say you can't be very important to them. Or, to put it another
way, if your feelings are not important to them, then *you* are not
important to them.
In Spanish there is another translation of caring which is "cuidar."
That means something like "to take care of". For example you might
say to someone, "Cuidate" which means something like "Take care
of yourself." Or if you wanted to say "My mother takes care of me"
you would say "mi madre me cuida". But this is more like she
"protects me" or she "keeps me safe". It still is not the same as the
English expression to care about someone or to care how someone
feels.
Knowing vs. Caring
Years ago I heard something on which I have never forgotten. It
went something like this:

Kids don't care how much you know until they know how
much you care .
From my work in youth suicide prevention, I think we can also say:
Suicidal youth don't care how much you know until they know how
much you care
When you are in physical pain, you might be more concerned with a
doctor's knowledge so you will feel confident he or she will know
how to stop the pain. But people in extreme emotional pain, people
who are suicidal for emotional reasons, want to know someone
cares about them. In other words, they want to feel cared about.
They want to feel important. They want, and need, to feel
understood.
These feelings -- caring, importance, understanding -- only come
with human connections. When the human connections aren't
there, there is no convincing reason for them to want to stay

alive.
This reminds one of the saying: You can't heal an emotional wound
with logic.
The importance of caring also applies to the very young. A baby, for
example, can't even understand the words you are saying. But a
baby, just like a child, or a teenager, can feel how you are feeling.
And they can sense when they feel cared about, safe, afraid or
loved.
When we do feel cared about, a strong connection is made through
which knowledge can be transferred smoothly. This is why teachers
who care about their students produce not only better academic
results, but also more empathetic and humane adults.
Article by a Substitute Teacher
The Importance of Caring
By Ms. Chrysler
Everyone from Teddy Roosevelt to John C. Maxwell has been
attributed with coining the phrase "People wont care how much you
know until they know how much you care. " Its been repeated often
enough to become a well-known truism, especially in education.
After working in a high school classroom for over two months, I now
realize why its so often said.
A couple of weeks ago, I finished my stint as a high school teacher
and lived to tell about it. In retrospect, it seems a surreal
experience. Did I really teach high school for over two months? Me?
Well, yes, I did, as the pictures found here will confirm.
I learned a heck of a lotabout teaching, myself, and the kids. I
learned how much I dont know and that teaching is hard work. It
also had rewarding moments.
Here are a few memories that stand out:
The girl who entered my classroom every day downcast and
complaining about a variety of physical ailments. I learned that her

mother had had a massive heart attack a year ago and her father
lives in a nearby town with his girlfriend. My student has no contact
with her father; she said they dont get along. After several
conversations, I learned that she was worried that her mom would
have another heart attack and that there would be no one left to
care for her and her younger brother. I spent a lot of time trying to
encourage her.
The Latino student who continually paid me compliments. One day
he told me that I had nicely shaped eyebrows. That was a first for
me. Uh . . . . thank you, I replied. He asked, Do you wax them?
No. Oh, I get mine waxed at such-and-such place, he offered.
(Ive since learned about the male eyebrow grooming ritual called
manscaping.). Another day he remarked on the color of my shirt
and that it looked nice on me. (No, he wasnt another Eddie Haskell
that was an entirely different student.).
When he didnt come to class one day, I made sure to ask him
where he was when I saw him again. Well, Im not going to lie to
you, Ms. Chrysler. I was with my girlfriend. She was having an
ultrasound. Oh, I see, I said as I thought about what to say next.
Yeah, shes pregnant, he added, But Im gonna stick with her
through this thing.
We had a talk about responsibility and I tried to encourage him by
saying that, although life was going to be hard for awhile, he could
get through this. He held out his clenched hand to knock his
knuckles against mine and said, Ms. Chrysler, youre LE-GIT. I
have to admit that his friendly demeanor was a welcome change
from some of the more surly students, even if I did have to tell him
to clean up your language one too many times. The last day of
class, he extended the ultimate compliment: Ms. Chrysler, I
probably shouldnt say this, but . . . youre a BADASS! High praise
indeed.
The young Latino in my Sales & Marketing class who was barely
passing, although it wasnt for lack of effort. I could tell that he
wanted to do well. I had been instructed to give him verbal
directions when assigning projects, since he couldnt read as well as
most of the others. A week before graduation, I learned that his
father was dying of a brain tumor and that he and his brother would
miss school that week. However, he very much wanted to graduate.

After consulting with his counselor, I excused him from the final
project and exam. He squeaked by and was able to graduate just
days after his father passed away. I was touched when he came to
class that week and asked me to sign his annual. He told me that he
wanted to be an auto mechanic and open his own shop one day. My
heart ached for him. I hope he achieves his dream.
It is truekids really dont care how much you know until they know
how much you care.
Originally found on runningtheraceblog.com. As of June 2012 link
broken.
Caring At Work
Excerpts from:
Winning at Working: The Whole Person
by Nan Russell
Henry Ford is reported to have quipped, "Why is it that I always get
the whole person when what I really want is a pair of hands?" The
21st century version doesn't sound quite like that, but its essence
prevails in plenty of workplaces.
The functional equivalent of Ford's thinking is housed in statements
from supervisors, managers, and coworkers like: "What do you
mean her kid is sick again, and I have to do her work?" "I know he's
having a rough time at home, but he has to leave it at the door." Or
"I'm sorry his father died and he needs more time off to travel to the
funeral, but what am I suppose to do about the policy?"
It may seem like the right approach is to distance ourselves at work;
to hire the "hands" or the "heads" or the "voices" to do what needs
to be done and keep the "real" person out of the mix. But keeping
people's emotions, feelings, thoughts, weekend happenings,
families, and interests away from the workplace is a bad business
decision.
You see, people work for people, not for companies. We all need
a connection to the whole, to be appreciated, or to know someone

cares about us as a unique person. That's true at work too.

Research confirms that people who don't feel cared about as
individuals at work are more likely to be disengaged, distrust their
bosses, and display less than trustworthy behaviors.
When supervisors and managers see the whole person, they
engage them. They build loyal, enthusiastic work groups. Engaged
teams are more creative, resourceful and productive, producing
quality results again and again. You know those engaging bosses.
These are the people you want to work for, people you'd follow to
the next company, and people who bring out the best in you. They
value you as a person, not a position.
From http://superperformance.com/wholeperson.php
Caring, Regret, Change
Last night I was teasing my partner. I wanted to feel superior to her;
to show her that I could do something better than she could. I forgot,
though, about her feelings.
She told me that she didn't like the teasing because it added to her
belief that she was bad at everything and can't do anything well. I
felt a little defensive and thought, "I was just teasing." I told her that
I just wanted to show off how good I was at it, but that didn't make
her feel much better. She repeated that she still didn't like it. Then
she walked away.
A few minutes later I asked her how she was feeling. She said she
was feeling a little self-destructive. I offered her a hug, but she was
reluctant to accept it. I could see she felt very bad. I apologized
again for teasing her earlier. This time I felt less defensive and felt
more sincere regret and empathy.
This morning I apologized again to her because I still felt bad about
what I did. She seemed to accept my apology, saying, "It's ok." This
reminds me now of one of my best teachers (not of the school type)
who used to say, "It's ok, best friend."
I am also reminded of the power of a sincere apology. And I think of
the very important difference between the words and the feeling. I

think of how teachers in a school might insist that one child

apologize to another, yet the first one feels neither regret nor
empathy. This is a good example that you can force behavior,

but not the underlying feelings.

This simple truth, that you can force behavior but not feelings, is the
basis of many social problems. It is so simple, yet it is so often
overlooked, forgotten, or never realized.
Throughout our lives people want us to behave a certain way. They
use many tactics, strategies and methods to get us to do so. The
overwhelming emphasis in psychology has been on behavior.
Behavior modification. Behavior control. Behavioral therapy.
Conditioning. Punishment and rewards.
Behavior is easier to see, measure, and quantify. One person's
behavior serves another. The behavior of the worker serves the
employer. The behavior of the citizens serves the rulers and
politicians. The behavior of the slave serves the needs and desires
of the master.
An important question to always remember to ask ourselves is:
Does the master care about how the slave feels? Does the boss
care how the worker feels? Does the teacher care how the student
feels? Does the parent care how the child or teen feels?
Getting back to apologies and forgiveness, it is much easier for a
teacher to get one child to apologize to another, than for her to get
the child to really feel regret and remorse for their action. In other
words, it is easier to force the behavior the teacher wants than to
force the feelings. We might say then that in general it is easier to
force behavior than feelings. We might also say it is easier to
control behavior than feelings.
Since it is natural for most humans to do what is easier and quicker,
it makes sense that so much of human history and human
interaction is based on behavior control. But what then of feelings?
What happens when the feelings don't match the behavior?
What happens is that our emotional needs get neglected on a
massive scale. When needs are not met, problems follow just as
surely as water flows downhill.

Our feelings are indicators of the state of our emotional needs.

When an emotional need is unmet, our bodies send us a signal, just
as when we are hungry, our bodies alert us. When emotional needs
are unmet we feel dissatisfied, frustrated, discontent. When our
emotional needs are met, satisfied or filled, we feel content,
satisfied, good.
As a way of summarizing, here are some points to remember:
1. Sincere apologies are very powerful.
2. Sincere apologies arise from sincere feelings.
3. While behavior can be forced, sincere feelings, and therefore,
sincerity itself, cannot.
4. When behavior is controlled without regard for the underlying
feelings, emotional needs get neglected.
5. When emotional needs are not met, personal and social
problems quickly follow.
Caring vs Knowledge
Today when I was thinking about how I could best help an online
friend of mine, I remembered this..."People don't care how much
you know, until they know how much you care."
I have discussed this above, but here are more thoughts on this
idea.
I might have a lot of knowledge, but if people don't feel cared about,
they may not be open to my knowledge, even knowledge which
could help them, or even save their lives, if not lot of money or
suffering.
Let's say you take your laptop to someone who is a computer
genius. He knows how to fix anything, so you ask him if he can help
you get rid of a virus. He says yes, then he takes your laptop out of
your hands and walks away. You try to follow him and he says,
"Wait a few minutes. This won't take long." Then you say, "But I
would like to see how you do it so I can learn, and also I don't feel

comfortable when someone

works on my laptop and I can't see what is happening. I'm afraid
something could accidently get erased, for example."
Then he tells you, "Don't worry. I won't erase anything. I know what
I'm doing." Then he walks away, goes down the hall and enters a
room and closes the door.
How would you feel? And what is more important to you at that
moment? How much he knows about computers, or how much he
cares about how you feel?
S. Hein
June 3, 2013

Home

Core Topics

Listening

Respect |
Empathy
Caring | Listening

Introduction

How to Be a Better Listener

Understanding

Listening Vs Obeying

Free EQ for Everybody

Book

Will You Please Just Listen?

Letter from Norway
Listen, Listen, by Keith Pearson
An Example of a Great Listener
Listening, Life and Death
- Tina and Megan Meier
- Buenos Aires Suicide
- Carol Gotbaum
Introduction

It has been said that 90% of "behavior problems" come from young people wanting
adults to listen to them. One study reported that the number one request from suicidal
teenagers was for adults to listen to them. The medical power of listening has also
been proven by various studies.
We all feel better when we feel listened to. And we feel even better when we feel
understood. In order to be understood, we must be listened to. Often it is more
important to us to feel heard than to actually get what we said we wanted. On the other
hand, feeling ignored and misunderstood is literally painful whether we are six or sixty.
As with other emotional needs, the need to be heard is a survival need. We are all
interdependent. In other words, many of our basic needs depend on the cooperation of
others. But first we must know and communicate our needs.
For example, if we are a passenger in a car and we feel unsafe, we must communicate
our feelings. If the driver ignores us, our lives may literally be threatened. If we are not
heard, we cannot communicate our needs. It is understandable, then, that we feel
frustrated or worse when we do not feel heard.
By developing our own listening skills, we can model them to others. They in turn will
become better listeners and we will feel heard, understood and respected.

Suggestions on How to Be a Better Listener

Listen non-judgmentally
Attempt to identify the
underlying feelings
"It sounds like you felt
disappointed..."
"How did you feel when ... "

Help the person focus while

showing interest:
"What bothered you the most about it?"
"What did you like the most?"

Don't show disapproval

Don't spend your time "preparing
Listen with empathy; focus on your response"
feelings
Don't interrupt, evaluate or jump to
Show understanding and
conclusions
connection
Use eye contact
Show interest by nodding, "uh
"I understand." "I see." "I know how huh's", etc.
you feel." "I have felt that way, too."
Allow long pauses before asking
questions; be patient
Clarify and paraphrase,
Give your full attention; stop other
particularly the feelings
tasks
"So, you really felt insulted, is that
it?"
"So you felt ___ and ____?"

Avoid: "Scene stealing," Advising,

Interrogating, "Sending solutions,"
Correcting, Debating

Do not judge with your body

language or facial expressions
Remember that listening to either a child or adult helps him feel heard, understood,
important, valued, respected and cared about. And remember that the best listeners
focus on feelings, not "facts".

Listening vs. Obeying

S. Hein May 2003
-This week I heard several people talking about people who "won't listen." In all three
cases it was someone who was talking about someone younger.
First it was a university psychology student talking about her younger brother. She said

he is "ADHD." I asked her what she meant by that and she said, "He won't listen."
When I asked her to explain further she said, "You tell him not to do something and he
does it anyhow." In a playfully provoking tone, I asked her why she thought he should
listen to her.
She smiled defensively and looked away as she realized she didn't have a good
answer. The best she could come up with was, "Because I am his older sister." I said,
"So...?" She laughed, and I left it at that. I wonder, though, what she would say had
we continued the conversation. I am really curious why different people think others
"should" listen to them.
Two days later I had a conversation with someone whose parents are from Samoa.
She told me that in the Samoan culture you are taught to "respect your elders." She
said at the dinner table young people usually don't talk; only the "elders" talk,
and young people are expected to listen quietly without making a contribution to the
discussion.
She said she was never asked her opinion about anything and her feelings were not
considered important to her parents. She said it is a primitive society. She also said
women are not treated with respect there, and for those reasons she would not want to
raise her children in a place like that.
Talking to her helped me understand why some people think others "should" listen to
them. It seems this is largely just custom, culture and tradition. I wonder what a society
would be like if it were the cultural norm to listen to those people we commonly call
children, teenagers and students... and then take what they say seriously.
Later in the week, I saw how a primary school teacher used the word "listen." At the
time, she was frustrated because she was getting behind in her lesson plan. She was
also starting to feel out of control. She had just come back from gathering up two boys
who did not return to the class after the lunch break bell had been rung.
She was nearly dragging one, Abdul, by the hand, while lecturing to him most of the
way. When she got back to class she tried to get 18 people, ages 5 and 6, to sit on the
floor -- where she wanted and how she wanted -- in preparation for her reading a story
about a father taking his son fishing. Her attempts at controlling these 18 people took
her a lot of time and she was getting more and more stressed and further behind in her
lesson plan.
As she read she would stop frequently to give orders to the people on the floor. She
would say things like, "Put that down." "Sit up properly." "Eyes up here." "Move over
here by me." "Go sit in the back by yourself." "Don't walk through the group! I wanted

you to walk around the outside!"

After directing several such instructions towards Abdul, she snapped at him, saying,
"Abdul, Stand up! You are not listening to me! The next time I have to speak to you, you
are going to be sent out of the room. Do you understand that? Look at me! Do you
understand that?!"
I think what she actually meant was that he was not obeying her by sitting quietly and
motionless, with his eyes on her while she tried to read the story. I could understand
why Abdul was not looking at her because the story was not interesting to him. She
tried to make it more interesting by exaggerating her voice as she read, but I think this
might have only made it more obvious to him and others that the story was not very
important or relevant to them in its own right. As I looked around the room in fact, I
would say only about half the people were interested in the story, which explained why
so many of them were looking elsewhere and finding other things to do.
During the story telling, I noticed something else. There was a boy named Jesse who
the teacher said was "ADHD." The way she said it was as if she were branding him for
life as a problem child. I paid close attention to Jesse and we immediately connected. I
saw myself in him and have little doubt that if I were in school now I would also be
labeled as "ADHD".
One of the most fascinating things I witnessed while watching Jesse was when the
teacher asked, "Have any of you gone fishing with your fathers?" At this point Jesse
looked like he was not paying any attention at all. He had been crawling all around, not
keeping his eyes on the teacher for more than a few seconds after each time she
commanded him to. But when she asked the question, "Have any of you gone fishing
with your fathers?", Jesse was one of the first, if not the very first, to shoot up his hand
and say, "I have."
His ability to listen when not appearing to -- what I might call his multi-tasking ability -was shown again when she was handing out writing books. At this point Jesse was
literally crawling under one of the tables, but as soon as he heard his name called, he
came out and went to get his book.
Another example of how someone used the word "listen" was just last night. I was
talking to an 18 year old student from Holland. She was considering studying
psychology. She said there are some students who "won't listen" to the teachers when
the teacher tells them to be quiet.
All of this made me realize there is a difference between listening and obeying. As with
the difference between respect and obedience, however, one is often used mistakenly
in place of the other. I suppose this is because people like teachers and psychology

students don't want to admit that they really just want someone to obey them. I may be
guilty of this myself, so I will try to be more aware of this important distinction!
As "adults" we tend to use the word "listen" differently depending on the situation.
When we truly want someone to listen to us, rather than obey us -- and this person is
someone we consider an equal, a friend or someone we are seeking help from -- we
often mean we want them to listen in a caring way without judging us or telling
us what to do, much as is described in this site.
This strikes me as very ironic. A person in a position of authority often tells other
people what to do. But at the same time, if they really want someone to listen to them,
they probably don't want that person to tell them what to do! They just want to be
listened to. Beyond this they probably would like to feel understood and empathized
with. We don't usually feel any of these things when someone expects us to just obey
them.
I can just imagine a police chief, an army officer or a high school director going into a
therapist and the therapist saying, "I told you what to do last week, didn't I? And you
didn't listen, did you? Look at me when I am talking to you!"
The client then says "But I am paying you to listen to me, not to tell me what to do! No
one ever listens to me, even when I pay them to!!"
Will you please just listen?

Will you please just listen?

When I ask you to listen and you start giving advice, you have not done
what I have asked.
When I ask you to listen and you start telling me why I shouldn't feel the
way I do, you are invalidating my feelings.
When I ask you to listen and you start trying to solve my problem, I feel
underestimated and disempowered.
When I ask you to listen and you start telling me what I need to do I feel
offended, pressured and controlled.
When I ask you to listen, it does not mean I am helpless. I may be faltering,
depressed or discouraged, but I am not helpless.

When I ask you to listen and you do things which I can and need to do for
myself, you hurt my self-esteem.
But when you accept the way I feel, then I don't need to spend time and
energy trying to defend myself or convince you, and I can focus on figuring
out why I feel the way I feel and what to do about it.
And when I do that, I don't need advice, just support, trust and
encouragement.
Please remember that what you think are "irrational feelings" always make
sense if you take time to listen and understand me.

Quote by Keith Pearson

Listen, LISTEN
When you listen you affirm me
but your listening must be real
sensitive and serious
not looking busily around
not with a worried or distracted frown
not preparing what you are going to say next
but giving me your full attention.
You are telling me I am a person of value
important and worth listening to
one with whom you will share yourself.
I have ideas to share
feelings which I too often keep to myself
deep questions which struggle inside me for answers
I have hopes only tentatively acknowledged
which are not easy to share
and pain and guilt and fear I try to stifle
These are sensitive areas and a real part of me
but it takes courage to confide in another
I need to listen too if we are to become close
How can I tell you I understand?
I can show interest with my eyes or an occasional word
attuned to pick up not only spoken words

but also the glimmer of a smile

a look of pain, the hesitation, the struggle
which may suggest something as yet too deep for words
So let us take time together
respecting the others' freedom
encouraging without hurrying
understanding that some things may never be brought to light
but others may emerge if given time
Each through this listening, enriches the other
with the priceless gift of intimacy.
-by Keith Pearson, Melbourne, Australia

Letter about Listening from Norway

Hi Steve,
Thank you for writing all the articles you have been writing. I never realized how bad a listener I really
was before coming across your site. It is easy to listen to people when they are happy, but I can count
numerous times where I have just said to people.. Cheer up, look the sky is still blue... Instead of
really listening to them. Or how many times I have been finding solutions instead of listening...
Your site made me really find a lot of times in my past where I really did these things. Now I try to
focus on how not to do that anymore.
Keep up the good work... The world really need this, it would be a much better place if we all would
really listen and try to understand each other.
Just last night I was about to leave from a girl's place and I said on the way out : "I feel sad" (This girl I
like, but she is not interested in a relationship with me.). And the only reply I got was: "Don't be sad".
After I felt even worse, because she didn't accept my feelings. I just wanted to let you know I read
your article "Thanks for listening" and I understand. Hope to see a lot more articles from you:
Best regards
Emil
Oslo Norway
Nov 2007

An Example of a Great Listener

Here is what one member of our teen chat support group said about another member:
...whenever i am upset, i write to jen. she's been the best. i dont know how she can resist giving me
advice, but i can't remember even once when she gave me advice. and neither can i remember even
one time when i felt judged by her. that's why i feel so free and safe talking to her.
Something else which makes her a good listener: she sends me lots of hugs. And sends hugs back
when I send her one.
Listening, Life and Death - Tina and Megan Meier
Can the ability to listen make the difference between life and death?
Consider this true story: Tina Meier's daughter, Megan, was extremely upset one day. She tried to get
help from her mother. But Tina felt a greater need to tell Megan what to do than did to just listen.
As I watch this video I wonder whether it might have saved Megan's life if the mother had just listened.
Notice also that the mother confuses "listening" with "obeying" when she says, "I was upset that she
didn't listen to me and sign off when I told her to."
Listening, Life and Death - Buenos Aires Suicide Story
Can the ability to listen make the difference between life and death? I have asked this question in
another article about the suicide of a young girl in the USA, but I want to repeat the question here and
tell a true story from my own life.
Once while living in Buenos Aires I started a friendship with someone. One day as we were walking
he told me how one of his best friends had killed himself ten minutes after talking to him. At the time I
didn't make any connection in my mind between the two events.
About one week later, though, I was feeling very discouraged about something and I went to talk to
my new friend. After I had talked for just a few minutes, he started doing all the talking and I just fell
silent. I realized I felt lectured to and not understood. I also felt somewhat judged. I realized I was
feeling worse so I stopped our conversation and quickly made an excuse to leave.
As I was walking home I suddenly had a chilling thought:
This was the same person who had told me his best friend had killed himself ten minutes after talking
to him.
My body literally reacted to that thought. I felt a heaviness grip me and consume me. It was as if I had
opened the door to a secret room and saw something I was not supposed to see and which I could
never tell anyone.
A burning question dominated my mind:

Would his friend still be alive today had he been a better listener?
Of course I could not possibly tell my friend of the connection I made between me feeling worse after
talking to him and what he had told me about his friend's suicide. It seemed too cruel and unfair, since
there would be nothing he could do now.
I wondered then, "Even if, as I sadly suspect, he might have been able to save his friend's life by
being a better listener, wouldn't I be doing more harm than good at this point to even bring up the
subject?" I knew my friend would instantly feel guilty and probably defensive. It could, possibly destroy
our relationship. So I decided to say nothing. Yet at the same time I felt and still feel, years later, a
degree of guilt for not helping him see that he needs to improve his skills in this critically important
area of his life.
I am no longer in touch with that friend but this story is a reminder that it is my sincere hope that one
day, every school child will be taught the basics of listening. The more life experience I have, the more
I believe that the ability to listen can literally save someone's life.
So in all seriousness I say that listening is a matter of life and death.
S. Hein
Carol Gotbaum - Customer Service, Understanding, Police Procedures and Preventable Death
Carol Anne Gotbaum

Carol Gotbaum died in a small room, handcuffed like a trapped animal. She was forced there by
airport police after getting very emotionally upset about missing a flight which was very important to
her.
From my experience, the most direct cause of Carol's death was a lack of listening, compassion,
caring and understanding.
I have been in similar situations in airports. I know how they people treat someone who is late for a
plane. Typically, they show no compassion and no understanding. They simply say "The flight is
closed." Most of them don't really care how important it is to you that you get on the flight.
When I wrote the first draft of this atricle I wrote:
I hope that the family of Carol sues the airline for not showing their mother any compassion. I hope
that they find psychologists to testify that when someone is upset, they just need someone to show
some compassion, empathy and understanding. I fully believe Carol would be alive today if the airline

staff had done this. I also believe she would still be alive if the police had done it.
Now I feel a little guilty because I sound hurtful and vengeful, as well as hypocritical since I am
opposed to punishment and revenge. Yet on the other hand, a suit could help bring needed changes.
They interviewed someone in the police and asked if he thought the way the officers handled things
was "appropriate." The police officer answered "absolutely." This is probably mostly because he feels
defensive and protective of his officers. It may also be partly because he is simply ignorant, and partly
because he lacks innate emotional intelligence. It is also because of his training in the police force.
(Notice the word "force" in that term.)
The police officer also said they were following "standard procedure." But this doesn't make it the best
thing to do. An unarmed, emotionally upset woman is not the same thing as a physically aggressive
man with a weapon.
I hope that if the family sues the police and the airline, they will win a large settlement and do
something beneficial with the money to help change how airlines treat their customers and what the
police define "standard procedure."
Ironically, just the day before yesterday I was telling some friends about how I got upset one time in
the airport in Atlanta. On that occasion, the representatives called the company management who
came and then asked me respectfully to go with them to an office, which I agreed to. They then
listened to my complaints and concerns. They did a good job of listening, which calmed me down
quickly. They then gave me a small peace offering in the form of a free calling card so I could call the
person who was waiting for me to let her know I would be late. I told my friends that if I had done the
same thing in the USA now they would probably call airport security and have me arrested instead of
calling the airline manager and helping me feel understood.
To conclude, I sincerely believe Carol's death could have been prevented with just some simple
understanding on either the part of the airline or the police.
I hope the family and others take action to help bring about some positive changes in the standard
business practices and standard police procedures, as well as helping re-define what the word
"appropriate" means.
S. Hein

Not Listening Leads To Violence

Not listening can lead to violence. This can be on a one-to-one basis or group to group. If a country
does not listen to people who feel passionately about something, these people may see violence as

their only option. These people who were not listened to may then be called "terrorists."
Likewise, on a very large scale, when the government does not listen to the people, the people may
eventually revolt with violence.
Right now in the USA there is a growing group of people who want to feel and be less controlled by
the government. They want to be "sovereign citizens." Here is what one of them said in an interview
with 60 Minutes:
The threat of violence is required because they will not listen. The system will not listen to people like
me unless there are other people that back me up who have guns. - Alfred Adask (1)
I don't agree with this, but I am afraid that, sadly, many people do because they have not felt listened
to, heard and cared about.
S. Hein
-(1) Source
m.cbsnews.com/searchfullstory.rbml?&query=Sovereign+citizen&catid=20062666
.

Home

Understanding
Introduction
Understanding From Zero to Ten
Understanding, Empathy and Common Experiences
Understanding and Conflict

Other Core
Topics
Respect |
Empathy
Caring |
Listening
Understanding

Free EQ for
Everybody Book

Understanding and Punishment

Understanding and Defensiveness - "You need to understand..."
The Relationship Between Judging and Understanding
Stories About Understanding
Understanding and Relief - How nice it feels to feel understood
A Father's Understanding - Better than a stuffed animal
Another Father's Reaction to this Page
Mejor Agua Fria - Cold water is better
Listening to Manuel - Using the 0-10 Scale
The Bus is Best
From Head to Toe - A mother who thought she understood her daughter completely
The Washing Up - Helping a 10 year old feel understood leads to her cooperation
and apology
You Need to Understand - Airport Story
That's Not How Things Are, Jessica
Understanding, Depression and Suicide

Introduction
We all have a need to be understood. This need is based on survival.
If we are not understood we won't be able to communicate our needs. For
example, if the baby needs food and can't communicate this, he could die of
starvation. If a person needs help and no one understands this, he will not get
the help he needs to survive.
Zero to Ten
A useful technique in communicating and understanding is to ask the question how
much do you feel understood, from 0-10? You can ask this question in various ways.

For example, you can ask someone how much they feel understood by someone
else by saying, "How understood do you feel by your partner, from zero to ten?" Or
you could ask, "How much do you feel understood by me, from 0-10?"
See more about the Zero to Ten question
Understanding, Empathy and Common Experiences
On the day when I posted the first version of this page on understanding I chatted
with someone who was feeling suicidal. I was feeling very smug about being so good
at understanding. This person told me she didn't care if she lived or died anymore. I
tried to show her that I understood by saying "Ok, so you don't care if you live or die,
is that right?" She said that was right and repeated she didn't care if she lived or
died. I said, "Ok. I understand." Next I asked her how much she felt understood. We
had talked many times and usually she feels very understood by me, so today I also
expected a high score as well. Instead this is what she wrote:
Have you ever loved the sight of your blood seeping from your veins? i'm guessing not.
so... explain to me how you could understand me today? i've been talking to you for only
like 5 minutes. i haven't given you a chance to understand. but if i must tell you NOW,
probly not at all. because you're not addicted to drugs, you don't have a deep passion for
death, and as far as i know you can remember a time you were happy.

This reminded me never to make assumptions about understanding someone. It also

reminded me that it takes more than technique to really help someone feel
understood. And it reminded me that unless I have had the same experiences
someone else has, and unless I have exactly the same level of innate emotional
sensitivity, I could never really fully understand their pain.
But it also reminded me of the importance of feeling my own feelings. Until I started
reflecting on my feelings and trying to identify them I had little or no empathy for
anyone. I don't think I ever cried over someone else's pain until I was 35 years old,
unless it was when I was too young to remember.
As I began to think about and really feel all of my various feelings, I started being
able to relate to more and more people's pain, as well as their joy. I started thinking
about when I felt proud, creative, resourceful, inspired, trusted, successful, fulfilled as
well as when I felt judged, mocked, insulted, afraid, intimidated, controlled, trapped.
The more feelings I really experienced, the more I had in common with people who
were, from outside appearances, very different from me. It is true that I have never
loved the sight of my own blood seeping from my veins, but because I have felt
rejected, alone, judged, misunderstood, unloved, unwanted and empty, as this
person feels when she wants to die, I feel more empathy for her. In fact I started to
cry during our conversation. I am sure this is partly from the pain of my own unmet
emotional needs and partly from connecting with her pain. It might even be fair to say
that my pain is what formed this connection between us. Either way, it was this kind
of empathy which helped me stay there and listen to her for as long as she needed

me to.
Even if two people can never fully understand each other, it is this kind of empathy
that brings us one step closer together.
Understanding and Conflict
Many people agree that the best way to reduce conflicts, including international wars,
is through mutual respect. Erich Fromm said, To respect a person is not possible
without knowing him. He could have also said that respect is not possible without
understanding the person. Understanding, therefore, is a key to conflict prevention
and conflict resolution.
One of the best things ever said about understanding may be this
Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Here is another good quote. (By Haim Ginott)
In an argument, the test of wisdom is the ability to summarize
the other person's view before starting one's own
To take this a step further you could actually ask the other person how much they
feel understood from 0-10. Then listen till they feel understood 10. In fact, one of the
quickest ways to stop any argument is to stop and ask the other person how much
they feel understood.
Understanding someone does not always prevent or solve conflicts, but it does help
us reach a mutually acceptable compromise.
See also "You need to understand"
Understanding and Punishment
Humans need understanding. We also need to understand why people do things.
Therefore we need to teach all students and all future parents; all lawyers, all judges,
all politicians and all police this message:
You will never understand a person by judging them. You will never understand a
person by labeling them. You will never understand a person by insulting them. You
will never understand a person by invalidating them. You will never understand a
person by giving them orders. And you will never understand a person by punishing
them.

Understanding and Defensiveness - You Need to Understand...

Sometimes when people are in a conflict, one person will interrupt the other and say:
"You need to understand that.... "
Usually a person says this when they are feeling threatened and defensive. Often it
is an authority figure whose authority is being questioned or it may be someone who
has to enforce the company's or the organization's rules.
Here is an example. You're waiting on the phone for a very long time. When
someone finally answers you let them know how frustrated you are and how much of
an inconvenience having to wait has caused you. They interrupt you and say "Well,
you need to understand that we have a lot of customers... "
When someone says this it doesn't help you feel any more understood. It probably
only makes you feel more resentful because you don't feel listened to.
This violates the principle of "Seek first to understand then to be understood"
The other person wants you to understand them, but they have not taken the time to
try to really understand you. If they did they would show you more empathy. Saying
"you need to understand" doesn't show empathy. Instead I would say it is usually a
form of invalidation.
See also the story below about "You Need to Understand" at the airport.
The Relationship Between Judging and Understanding
It seems that there is a very clear and very strong inverse relationship between
judging and understanding. In other words, when we are judging someone, we do
not understand them, their motives, their needs, their values, their beliefs, their past.
We might even say that feeling judgmental and feeling understanding are mutually
exclusive. This is similar to another mutually exclusive relationship between two
feelings: feeling empathy and feeling defensive .
If we are aware that we are feeling judgmental, then it might help to remind ourselves
that what we need is the opposite feeling to bring us back into equilibrium. The
opposite feeling to feeling judgmental would be feeling understanding. So when we
feel judgmental we might try to seek understanding of the other person or the
situation.
Feeling judgmental and feeling accepting also seem to be nearly opposite feelings,
at least at times. So we might also want to try to be more accepting when we notice
that we are feeling judgmental.

Stories About Understanding

Understanding and Relief
One day I was trying to get a defective product replaced before I started a trip
overseas. I made several phone calls and tried to explain the situation several times
to several different people. I kept getting passed around from one department to
another.
People kept debating with me and telling me what the company policies were without
listening to me. No one seemed to understand or care that it was important to me
that the product be replaced before I left for my trip. I was feeling more and more
frustrated, even exasperated.
Finally I found someone who understood what I was trying to say and what I needed.
I could literally feel the tension releasing from my body. I thought to myself, "Finally.
Someone who understands!" I realized then how important understanding was.
Zebra - A father gives his daughter the gift of understanding
From John Gottman's chapter on "The five steps to emotion coaching" p. 69, 70
-

I remember the day I first discovered how emotion coaching might work with my own
daughter, Moriah. She was two at the time and we were on a cross-country flight
home after visiting with relatives. Bored, tired, and cranky, Moriah asked me for
Zebra, her favourite stuffed animal and comfort object. Unfortunately, we had
absentmindedly packed the well-worn critter in a suitcase that was checked at the
baggage counter.
"Im sorry, honey, but we cant get Zebra right now. Hes in the big suitcase in another
part of the plane," I explained.
"I want Zebra," she whined pitifully.
"I know, sweetheart. But Zebra isnt here. Hes in the baggage compartment
underneath the plane and Daddy cant get him until we get off the plane. Im sorry."
"I want Zebra! I want Zebra!" she moaned again. Then she started to cry, twisting in
her safety seat and reaching futilely toward a bag on the floor where shed seen me
go for snacks.
"I know you want Zebra," I said, feeling my blood pressure rise.
"But hes not in that bag. Hes not here and I cant do anything about it. Look, why
dont we read about Ernie," I said, fumbling for one of her favourite picture books.
"Not Ernie!" She wailed, angry now. "I want Zebra. I want him now!

By now, I was getting "do something" looks from the passengers, from the airline
attendants, from my wife, seated across the aisle. I looked at Moriahs face, red with
anger, and imagined how frustrated she must feel. After all, wasnt I the guy who
could whip up a peanut butter sandwich on demand? Make huge purple dinosaurs
appear with the flip of a TV switch? Why was I withholding her favourite toy from
her? Didnt I understand how much she wanted it?
I felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I couldnt get Zebra, but I could offer the next best
thinga fathers comfort.
"You wish you had Zebra now," I said to her.
"Yeah," she said sadly.
"And youre angry because we cant get him for you."
"Yeah."
"You wish you had Zebra right now," I repeated, as she stared at me, looking rather
curious, almost surprised.
"Yeah," she muttered. "I want him now,"
"Youre tired now, and smelling Zebra and cuddling with him would feel real good. I
wish we had Zebra here so you could hold him. Even better, I wish we could get out
of these seats and find a big, soft bed full of all your animals and pillows where we
could just lie down."
"Yeah," she agreed.
"We cant get Zebra because hes in another part of the airplane," I said "That makes
you feel frustrated."
"Yeah," she said with a sigh.
"Im sorry," I said, watching the tension leave from her face. She rested her head
against the back of her safety seat. She continued to complain softly a few more
times, but she was growing calmer. Within a few minutes, she was asleep.
Although Moriah was just two years old, she clearly knew what she wantedher
Zebra. Once she began to realize that getting it wasnt possible, she wasnt
interested in my excuses, arguments, or my diversions. My validation, however, was
another matter. Finding out that I understood how she felt seemed to make her feel
better. For me, it was a memorable testament to the power of empathy.
-------------Note: I would just change one thing about this story. I would say that John didn't just
give his daughter "the next best thing." I would say he gave his daughter something

even better -- her father's understanding. - S. Hein

A Father's Reaction to This Page
I just finished reading what you sent me, wow! You read my mind, now i know what I
can do with my sons. All they want is my love and understanding.
Mejor Agua Fria - Cold water is better
One day in Peru I told someone I was looking for a hotel with hot water for my
shower. He said, "Mejor agua fria" - Cold water is better. Then he proceeded to tell
me why he thought cold water was better. I felt understood 0 on a scale of 0 to 10.
S. Hein
Chiclayo, Peru
October, 2004
Listening to Manuel - Using the 0-10 Scale
Manuel here in Peru has been helping me put some of my ideas into practice. One
night Manuel and I stayed at his sister's house. His sister's daughter Claudia didn't
want to go to school the next morning. Instead she wanted to stay home and talk to
Manuel and I. Manuel lives several hours from Claudia so she doesn't see him often.
And Claudia wanted to talk about ways we could help the poor children in Peru. But
her mother told her she had to go to school because there were exams.
I felt sad for her and wanted to go to the school during their break time and visit her.
Manuel, though, didn't want to go. We argued about it for a while and he was getting
more and more frustrated with me because I really wanted to go and he didn't. Then I
remembered to ask him how much he felt understood between 0 and 10. He told me
0. Then he asked me how much I understood. I said probably about a 0 also.
Obviously, this is why we were arguing. So I asked him to explain again all the
reasons why he didn't want to go to the school. As he explained I tried to show him
some understanding. I tried to be a good listener. I also took out a notepad and listed
his reasons and numbered them.
When he was finished explaining I asked him how much he felt understood again.
This time he said 4. Though it wasn't as high as I would like, I explained the basic
idea of using the scale and I told him the washing up story. I told him that since he
was my close friend I wanted him to feel understood 9 or 10. But that day, I didn't
want to spend a lot more time talking since we had a lot of things to do. So I went
over each item on my list and we talked about them a little more. By listening to him
carefully and then thinking of solutions for each of his concerns we were able to
agree on something which we were both pretty satisfied with.
If I had not stopped to ask him how much he felt understood, we could have gotten
very frustrated with each other to the point of feeling angry. The 0-10 scale technique

helped us stay on friendly terms.

S. Hein
Trujillo, Peru
Dec. 2004
The Bus Is Best
Once while near the Black Sea on the coast of Bulgaria I wanted to take the train to a
city called Veliko Tarnovo. I told two people I wanted to take the train and was asking
for more information about schedules and routes.
The first person I spoke with started to tell me the bus was a better option because it
was more direct and the trains were very slow because of the mountains. But when I
explained to him that I often get sick on the curves in the mountains when I am on a
bus, he quickly understood and said "Well, in that case the train would be better for
you."
Then later I spoke to someone else to check on the name of the city where I would
have to change trains. She also told me the bus would be faster, so I explained about
the curves and getting sick. She, however, didn't understand. Instead, she just kept
insisting that the train was a bad idea. As she walked away her last words were "The
best way to get there is by bus, not the train."
Note
This also made me think more about what the word "best" actually means. I thought
that it depends on what is important to you. And what is important to you depends on
your feelings.
From Head to Toe
Early in my work with emotions, around 1997, I spoke to a mother of a 16 year old.
The mother confidently told me she understood her daughter from "head to toe." A
few minutes later her daughter came out to join our discussion. I asked the daughter
how much she felt understood by her mother from 0 -10. She replied "6". The mother
quickly got defensive and verbally attacked her daughter. When the daughter tried to
explain why she didn't feel understood, the mother interrupted her and debated with
her. An argument started, ending with the mother walking out of the room in
frustration... and with the daughter feeling less understood than before!
The Washing Up
Note - "Washing up" is what the Australians call "doing the dishes" in the USA.

Ten year old Anja Lea did not want to wash the dishes. She and her mother were
arguing. The mother was threatening her and bribing her. I asked Anja Lea how
much she felt understood by her mother about why she did not want to do the
washing up. Here is a copy of our dialogue.
"Okay, so Mom wants you to do the dishes and you don't want to. Plus Mom said she
isn't going to take you to school until you do them? Is that right so far?"
"Yes."
"Okay, so you are probably feeling forced...?"
"Yes."
"And punished...?"
"Yes."
"And threatened....?"
"Okay. And how much do you feel understood by your mom? From 0-10?"
"Zero!"
I then asked Anja Lea to explain why she didn't want to do the dishes. The more she
talked and the more I listened, the more she felt understood. Somewhere along the
way, she started washing the dishes without any more arguments or protest! In a few
minutes I asked her how much she felt understood by me. She said 8. I asked her
what else she wanted me to understand. When she told me, I checked again to see
how much she felt understood. This time it was a perfect 10 and the dishes were
finished too!
But that is not the end of this story. When she was in the car on the way to school
Anja Lea voluntarily apologized to her mother for giving her such a hard time. The
mother apologized in return, they both accepted the other's apology and then shared
a few tears and a loving hug.
You Need to Understand - At The Airport...
When I was trying to leave Cedar City, Utah after a presentation to Southern Utah
University in April of 2002 the student who was driving me got a little lost. As a result
we arrived a few minutes too late, according to a new law put in place after
September 11th. There was actually ample time for me to get on the plane. It was a
very small airport. The kind where there is only one plane anywhere in sight. There
was no one in line. I just would have had to check in walk out the door, walk to the
nearby plane and walk up the steps to enter the plane. It was hardly any more

complicated than getting into a car parked on the street in front of your house.
The airline agents, however, refused to check me in. They said "you have to be here
thirty minutes before departure" because "those are the rules." They tried to tell me
that they needed more time to check people in because of the tighter security
regulations. I started to protest. I knew it would not take them long to do the security
check even if they hand-checked my whole backpack because there wasn't even
much in it. I knew they had time to do it before they were scheduled to depart. The
departure time was something like 29 minutes away.
They got very defensive very quickly. One of them said, "You need to understand..."
To this I replied with something like "Actually, I believe what I need is your help to get
on the plane. That is how I will get back to St. Louis where I have a connecting
flight."
They also tried to tell me that they couldn't let anyone else on because they had
already given the pilot the list of passengers. I said, "Is there some kind of regulation
saying that you can't radio the pilot, or just walk out there, and tell him there is one
more passenger?" The agent of the company responded arrogantly, "No. I am just
not going to do it."
What I began to suspect is that they didn't think anyone else would be coming out so
they decided to turn over the passenger list to the pilot. They may have even done it
a minute or two early and that is why they got so defensive. Or they may have done
it just as they saw us pulling in the parking lot. It was early in the morning and there
were no other flights leaving that little airport near the same time. They might have
felt defensive as soon as they saw us pulling up, knowing they had made a wrong
assumption that no one else was coming.
We argued for probably twenty minutes while the plane just sat there before it left
without me. When I came back out for a later flight, I was curious to see how long all
these "new security measures" would actually take.
I paid very close attention and I didn't see any new security measures. In fact, they
didn't even look inside my backpack. They just ran it through the x-ray machine while
I walked through the metal detector, just the same as airports have been doing for
years. It took less than 60 seconds. So I never did understand what they said I
"needed" to understand.
What became very clear to me though was that the people there had an unmet need
to feel in control. Or as some would say, they were "on a power trip." They were petty
authority figures trying to feel powerful by arrogantly, and basically arbitrarily, pushing
their weight around on someone less powerful than themselves. Sometimes I wonder
if people like this actually enjoy having rules they can enforce. It gives them
justification for being arrogant, controlling and insensitive.
Since then I have become very sensitive to the expressions "You need to
understand.." or "You have to understand.." When people say this they are usually
feeling defensive. They are not trying to understand you. They are not interested in

you. They are trying to defend themselves and get you to be quiet and stop bothering
them. If you have more patience and restraint than I have, maybe you can let them
talk till they have satisfied themselves. Then maybe you can show them that you
"understand." Then they will feel understood and you might have a slightly better
chance of getting some help from them.
I think of the principle "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." It is sad that
many people in power rarely seem to apply this.
S. Hein
Understanding, Depression and Suicide
In our experience with youth suicide prevention one thing all depressed and suicidal
adolescents have in common is a very large unmet need for understanding.
We believe if there were more people skilled in understanding, listening and
validation there would be far fewer youth suicides.
Understanding Myself
I have felt misunderstood pretty much all of my life. This is something I only realized
a few years ago. I became aware that I spent a lot of time trying to get people to
understand me. Later I concluded I can't really make others understand me so it is
more important that I understand myself. This reminds me of the expression, "you
have to love yourself before you can love someone else." Erich Fromm also said
something like "To love yourself you must love everyone." (See my page on love)
I think you might also have to understand yourself to understand others. Maybe
understanding others helps. I suppose it is a two way street and neither one really
comes first.
Misc - It is painful when we don't understand. We all feel some pain when things
don't make sense. For example when we see a sign that says "Open 24 hours," but
the shop is closed.
Some people will accept relatively simple explanations, even if they are wrong or
incomplete. Others, though, have a need for deeper understanding. When they are
given answers which don't satisfy their need, perhaps answers such as "because I
said so" or "because it is the law," they feel some pain or frustration. But when their
need for understanding is met, they feel satisfied and content.

Parenting
Why Develop Emotional Intelligence
Our emotions help us gather, organize, prioritize, recall and process
information which is essential to both health and happiness. Since the
goal of parenting is to raise healthy, satisfied children, then it makes sense
to develop whatever innate or natural-born emotional intelligence your
child begins life with. Emotionally healthy people are also responsible and
"good" citizens of the world.
Here are a few specific ways the development of EI can enhance your
child's life.
Dealing with threatening situations
Consider a three year old child who nearly becomes kidnapped. Though
he has never been instructed what to do in such a situation, he reacts
instinctively. First, on an emotional level, he senses something is wrong.
He refuses to cooperate and obey the kidnapper. The kidnapper then
starts to use force to try to get the child into a car. The child senses he is
in even more danger so he bites the kidnapper, pulls away, runs and
screams for help. The child quickly gathered, organized, prioritized and
processed information which helped him take self-protective action.
Though the emotional intelligence tests have not yet attempted to
measure differences in people's speed of such emotional processing, it
seems reasonable that the more emotionally intelligent child would
recognize and act upon a dangerous situation more quickly. It also seems
reasonable to assume that the more sensitive a child is, the more likely
they are able to sense that something is wrong.
Likewise, the better emotional memory and recall the child has, the more
likely they will be able to quickly spot a similar danger in the future by

processing the many cues they are receiving on an emotional level.

Helping others
Emotional sensitivity and emotional intelligence is also needed when one
child senses that something is wrong with another child. The more
sensitive and aware child will be the first to notice. With a high level innate
of emotional intelligence and a healthy emotional environment at home
and school, the same child who was the most aware of the other's need
will also be most likely to take helpful action.
Conscience and Moral Autonomy
I would also suspect that what has traditionally been called conscience is
actually very closely related to emotional intelligence. I would also predict
that when one begins life with a higher level of emotional intelligence and
it is developed in healthy ways, then one's conscience will be strong
without being excessive (for example, undeserved guilt.) With a healthy
conscience one can make decisions for oneself without needing rules or
external authority figures.
Sometimes one must go against the crowd. Institutions and groups,
including governments, political parties, religions, and cult-like
organizations can be quite effective in "thought control." Developing your
child's EI can help protect them from propaganda, brain-washing, slogans,
etc. by strengthening their sense of self and by giving them their own
standards by which to judge what they are being told. In my experience, it
is always those who have weak sense of self, who have been overcontrolled by others and who lack confidence in their own feelings, who
are most likely to join mind-control types of groups.
Happiness
We are happiest when our needs are met, or are making progress
towards meeting them. But to meet our needs we must accurately identify
them. Our emotions are gauges of our psychological needs. They tell us
whether we are getting the right amount of something, not enough or too
much. For example, when we have a certain level of solitude we feel
good. When we get too much we feel lonely. When we have too little we
feel crowded. As with all psychological and emotional needs, there is no
"rational" way to judge how much time alone another person needs. We
each must decide for ourselves. And the way to do that is through
awareness of our feelings.
We help children find their own personal happiness in life by encouraging
them to not only think for themselves, but to feel for themselves-- in other
words to listen to their feelings and follow them rather than doing what
everyone else thinks they should do. Developing a child's emotional

intelligence helps teach that happiness is a personal thing.

When we develop a child's emotional intelligence, we are teaching that
feelings and emotions are important, that they have value for making
decisions about what to do and what not to do. In my own life I have
noticed that the more I listen to my feelings, or my "inner voice," the
happier I am and the less regrets I have over my choices.
Mutual Respect, Cooperation, Empathy
Developing a child's EI also teaches that not everyone is the same or feels
the same. Children become more understanding that we all are different;
that we each have different needs, desires and preferences. This
understanding leads to greater compassion and helps teach children to
respect each other's feelings and individuality. Through the development
of a child's natural empathy, EI development reinforces the natural fact
that we are social animals, and that the survival of the species is
programmed within us. In more simple terms, it teaches that we get more
accomplished when we cooperate and that we feel better when we help
others.
Responsibility
When developed in a healthy manner, our natural emotional intelligence
can help us raise responsible children in two ways. First, we can teach
children to be more responsible for their own happiness, rather than
believing that someone else is controls them like a puppet and "makes"
them feel the way they do. We can teach them they always have options
when they have negative feelings. For example, the options include taking
action, making changes, expressing themselves orally or in writing,
learning, growing and taking different perspectives. None of us have
complete control over our environments, and children have less control
than adults, but we always have control over our own thoughts, and with
that our feelings. Over time, we can teach children and teens to use their
thoughts to generate more positive emotions even from what seem to be
totally negative situations. When we have control over something we have
the ability to respond to it. This is the essence of responsibility. Control
over our thoughts and feelings is one of the highest forms of personal
responsibility.
We can always take personal responsibility by asking
"What can I do?,"
"How did I contribute to this situation?" and
"What can I learn from this?"
These questions involve thinking, but also feeling because when we can

remember to ask ourselves these questions instead of blaming others or

relying on someone else to change we often begin to feel better because
we feel more in control, less victimized, and less resentful. Remember
that. "Accepting responsibility releases resentment."
Second, we can teach children and teens to use their feelings to act in
socially responsible ways. A good guideline for making decisions is to ask
these questions:
1. How will I feel?
2) How will others feel?
Nature has given us the ability to make socially responsible decisions
using input from our feelings. In other words, we naturally feel bad when
we hurt someone, treat them unjustly, etc. (This assumes that our
emotional development has not been damaged through an unhealthy
environment.) But in order for this internal guidance system to work, we
need to develop a child's innate emotional intelligence as suggested in the
following sections.
When thinking of raising responsible children and young adults, it helps to
remember that feelings predict behavior. This means that if a child or teen
feels responsible, they are more likely to act in responsible ways.
Feeling responsible, combined with healthy self-esteem, leads to taking
responsibility, and this makes one stronger.
Feeling responsible combined with low self-esteem leads to feelings of
guilt. This makes one weaker. Thus, it is better to help your child feel
responsible by giving them expanding responsibility rather than by
punishing them or laying guilt trips on them. Both of these strategies, while
perhaps well-intentioned, often have the undesired effect of lowering selfesteem and motivating a person to feel defensive and actually avoid
responsibility.

A Brief Review of Parenting Literature

In my review of the parenting literature I find very little mention of feelings. The emphasis is generally on
behavior. But as psychologist John Gottman says, we are attempting to control the children's behavior
without looking at the emotions which underlie that behavior. (Links to the authors I mention are found at
the bottom of this section)
I believe if we focus our efforts on trying to create the right kinds of feelings in children, the behavior will
take care of itself. It is not only the feelings of the child which I believe we need to look at, but the parents'
feelings as well. This is an area which is even more neglected than the child's feelings. Few psychologists
or writers of parents literature ever mention the feelings of the parents. Thomas Gordon is the notable
exception which comes to mind.
Gordon talks about the "window of acceptance." He says when the parent is feeling good, more things are
acceptable. The more negative their overall mood, the fewer things are acceptable. Gordon also tells
parents, "It is essential that you learn what you are feeling." In effect, Gordon recommends that parents
"own" their feelings by using "I messages." His work supports my recommendation that belief parents take
responsibility for their own feelings, rather raising children to feel responsible for the moods and happiness

of their parents. While my views are similar to Gordon's in many ways, I go into more detail about the
importance of respect, and describe how it is earned and how it is often confused with fear and obedience.

Haim Ginott is one of my favorite authors of parenting books. He wrote long before
emotional intelligence was studied by Mayer and Salovey. Ginott influenced
Fabel/Mazlish, who wrote a very practical book, and John Gottman who is a
professor at the University of Washington. Gottman, in fact, dedicates his book to
Ginott.
Haim Ginott
Thomas Gordon
Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk
John Gottman - The Heart of Parenting

A Child's Emotional Needs

The brain is constantly creating different chemicals which go with our various emotions. For us to be
healthy and happy we need a certain mixture of these chemicals. When we feel unhappy or upset
about something, certain chemicals are being created and others are not being produced in the right
amount.
These chemicals and our negative feelings are indications that something is wrong. They tell us that
everything is not in balance for our health and happiness. In this way they are like gauges telling us if
we have enough, too much or too little of something.
When we feel lonely, for example, we are not getting enough human connection. But when we feel
crowded we are getting too much. Each feeling can be thought of as a gauge of a particular emotional
need. And each emotional need can be thought of as similar to a nutritional need.
We all know that children need certain vitamins and nutrients to be physically healthy. We have
learned that vitamin C helps protect a child from scurvy, for example. We know that calcium helps
strengthen the bones and teeth. We also know that our health requires just the right balance of all
these nutrients and vitamins. Even though calcium and Vitamin C are needed, it is possible to get too
much of them.
Right now there is much less information available on the child's specific emotional needs and how
much of each one is required, but there are definitely certain feelings which are needed for health and

happiness. As just one example, a child needs to feel accepted by the parents. This much we do
know. What we don't know yet is how to measure how much of a feeling is needed or what happens
when there has not been enough over the years of childhood and adolescence.
Just as scientists have identified which vitamins a child needs for healthy development, I believe we
need to try to figure out which emotional needs a child has. Then the job is to try to help create the
chemicals which satisfy the child's emotional or psychological needs. Or if you want, you can think of
it as saying the child's brain needs certain nutrients just as his body does. Because our feelings are
gauges of our emotional needs, we can monitor a child's feelings to estimate whether he is getting
the right amount of something like attention or challenge or trust. When he gets old enough we can
also ask him directly and rely on his innate emotional intelligence to provide a reasonably accurate
answer.
One of the roles of parents is to help a child become increasingly independent. So at the start of a
child's life, the parent is responsible for meeting almost all of the child's needs. It is just as important
that a parent fill a child's emotional needs as fill his stomach. At the same time the parent is steadily
equipping the child to meet more and more of his own needs. These include the emotional needs
which every child and every human has.
If we think of emotions as chemical reactions in the brain, we can see the parents' job as helping their
children learn to manage these chemical processes. If the parents do this job well, the child will be
less likely to turn to external sources of chemicals such as drugs, cigarettes or alcohol.

Children and teens only turn to these things when their emotional
needs have not been met at home.
We all know that it is not material things which keep a young person off of drugs since we find drug
addicts among the richest families. Some people say that a young person will use drugs because
their friends use drugs. But there are plenty of kids who have a strong enough sense of themselves to
not give in to peer pressure. Creating this healthy self-confidence is another of the parents' jobs.
Doing this job well also depends on developing certain underlying feelings in the child. And if you
think of it logically, why would the first person in a group turn to drugs if no other friends are using
them yet? In fact, some young people will slowly be rejected from a group of their peers when that
young person starts using drugs. The others simply don't feel comfortable around someone who uses
drugs, and/or they aren't in enough pain themselves to need drugs to self-medicate.
So what can parents do to raise a self-confident child or teen who is able to manage his own brain
chemicals? There are lots of different ideas on how to do this. Here are a few of my suggestions:.
First, think about what the emotional needs of a child or a teenager are, and try to keep these in mind
day to day. Here is a short list to help you. Each chiild, each teen and each adult, according to their
own indivudial and unique nature, need to feel some combination of each of these feelings on the list.
Here are what might be called the top ten emotional needs, in alphabetical order:

Accepted

Believed in

Cared about

Forgiven

Loved

Safe

Supported

Trusted

Understood

10

Valued

Other emotional needs

accomplished
acknowledged
admired
appreciated
approved of

free
fulfilled

challenged
competent
confident
creative

important
in control
included
independent

heard
helped
helpful

listened to secure
successful
motivated
trusted
needed
nurtured
useful
powerful
worthy
private
productive

reassured
knowledgeable respected

I once talked to a teenager who had gone through a drug treatment program.
There they told her that every child

and significant.

needs to feel two main things: safe

I have thought about those two words often since then.

I started trying to organize my own list of emotional needs under those two main categories and this
is what I came up with:
Safe -- accepted, secure
Under accepted I include: acknowledged, respected, admired, approved of, included
Under secure I would add not feeling judged, criticized, interrogated, laughed at, mocked, negated, or
invalidated
Significant -- important - appreciated, worthwhile, heard, respected, helpful, useful, needed, valued,
trusted, worthy, loved
Under loved I include cared about, nurtured, admired, supported, understood, reassured
This still left certain feelings from my list unaccounted for. So I wondered if once the emotional
foundation has been set by establishing the feelings listed above, a child might then be ready to move
towards filling his higher emotional needs which might be thought of as the need to feel free and
fulfilled, as detailed below:
Free --independent, in control, private
(The feeling of privacy doesn't seem to fit perfectly under the feeling of freedom, but there I leave it
there because I believe it is an important emotional need at times, and a child needs to feel free to
have his own private thoughts and free to go to a private place when he/she needs to be alone.)
Fulfilled - challenged, creative, motivated, responsible, productive, accomplished, successful
By studying this list parents can come up with their own ways for helping a child meet these various
emotional needs on a day to day basis. Just being aware that these needs are all important to
children for their emotional health is probably a good start. In the next section I offer a few ideas to
help this process along.

Some Questions for Parents

How do you want your children to feel? How do you create those feelings?
What if you could not hit, hurt, threaten or punish your children or teenagers?
What if they had the power to put you in jail, evict you from your homes?
What if they were legally free to leave home at 12 and they had safe places they could go?
What if you could not do anything to them that you could not do to a police officer? Such as threaten,
bribe, use force...

How you can help raise your child's EQ

Very young children
A. Help them learn the words for their feelings. Here are three ways:
1. Express your own feelings with feeling words.
- I am feeling impatient. I am feeling discouraged. I am feeling motivated, inspired.
2. Put the labels on their feelings
- Looks like you are feeling really frustrated. (That's frustrating! That looks frustrating. You must be
feeling pretty frustrated.)
3. Label feelings in other people. (on the street, on TV, in movies, in literature)
- The woman in the TV show is really feeling jealous. Daddy is feeling a little unappreciated at work.
B. Create an emotionally safe and supportive environment
Validate feelings. Discuss feelings openly. Avoid invalidation, shouting, violent words or actions.
Encourage emotional honesty through acceptance and unconditional love.
As the child grows...
Continue all of the above, but begin to explain emotions.
Study the section on emotions so you can help explain things like

why anger is a secondary emotion

what are some of the more specific emotions of depression
how our negative emotions are gauges of our unmet emotional needs
what are some of the positive values of emotions
the survival value of our emotions
why it isn't helpful to say that others "make" us feel how we do

Help them learn to generate options to feel better

-See also this list of Top Ten Suggestions.

Emotionally healthy children:

Are better learners

Have fewer behavior problems
Feel better about themselves

Are better able to resist peer pressure

Are less violent, more empathetic
Are better at resolving conflicts
Are less likely to engage in self-destructive behavior (drugs, alcohol, teenage pregnancy)
Have more friends
Have better impulse control; are better able to delay gratification
Are happier, healthier and more "successful"
(Based on research presented in Goleman's book)

On Punishment, Power, Fear Parents who use punishment, threats, force, anger, disapproval, judgement and control create
feelings of:
fear, resentment, powerlessness, anger, defensiveness, insecurity
Restitution rebuilds self-esteem; punishment pulverizes self-esteem.

Fear kills learning and creates dependency.

On Labeling
Label feelings not children.
Labels stick. Labels blind us. Labels lock us into stereotypes. Labels limit our potential.
Avoid labeling your child as:
Antagonistic, Arrogant, Born loser, Bossy, Brat, Clumsy, Klutz, Crabby, Cranky, Crybaby, Defiant,
Dodo, Drama Queen, Dramatic, Dunce, Egotistical, Finicky, Fool, Good-for-nothing, Greedy, Grouchy,
Grumpy, Hellion, Holly Terror, Hot-tempered, Hothead, Idiot, Immature, Ingrate, Lame-brain, Lazy,
Lazy-bones, Loser, Mean, Melodramatic, Moody, Monster, Moron, Nitwit, Obnoxious, Ornery, Pain,
Pain-in-the neck, Pest, Picky, Pushy, Prude, Rebellious, Rude, Sassy, Sinner, Sissy, Scatter-brain,
Self-centered, Selfish, Slob, Sloppy, Smart-aleck, Sore-loser, Spoiled , Stubborn, Too sensitive,
Terror, "Too" anything, Troublemaker, Wallflower, Whiner, Worry-wart
Avoid expressions like:
Threw a fit, threw a tantrum, fell apart, made a scene, lost his temper, blew up

Respect
Many people will agree that children often do not respect their parents any more. People disagree,
though, on the cause of this decline. I personally do not believe we can blame the children, or even

"society." When I ask people, whether it is children, teenagers or adults, why they do not resepect
someone else, the answer I almost always get is "Because they don't respect me." This is especially
true when they are referring to someone who has power or authority over them, such as parents,
teachers or bosses.
To put it simply, I believe respect must be earned. In my section on respect I discuss the concept of
respect further, but here I will summarize how I believe respect is earned and how I believe it is often
confused with fear or obedience.
How to earn respect
In all my reading of literature for parents I can not recall a single case where parents were given
guidance on earning the respect of their children. I suspect that this is one of those things that we all
just assume we know. Or often it is assumed (or explicitly stated) that by the simple fact that the
mother and father had sex which resulted in a child, they are now entitled to respect from that child.
Traditional western religion going back to the Hebrew teaching instructed their followers to "honor the
parents," without giving any justification for this commandment. Nor was there any provision for what
to do if one's parents are abusive.
I am in complete agreement with the idea that things work better when children respect their parents.
Where I differ from the traditional view is in my definition of what respect is and where it comes from.
As I implied above, I do not believe it is something which comes automatically with the act of
reproduction. Nor I define respect as obedience. Obedience we can get by carrying a gun. Respect
though, must be earned.
When a child is born, it has no concept of respect and it has no way of showing respect. What I
believe happens in healthy homes is that the parents first show respect to their children for a period of
the first few years. Then the child begins to natuarally return that respect.
The next obvious question then, is how does a parent show respect to an infant?
In general , one way to define respecting someone is in terms of helping it meet its needs. For an
infant, we can do this by feeding it, holding it, providing a safe ennvironment, etc. In other words, by
attending to its needs and not neglecting or ignoring them.
As a child gets older we can start to actually ask him or her how they feel. For example, I suggest we
ask children how much they feel: (using scale of 0-10)
Accepted
Controlled
Afraid (of you)
Criticized
Judged
Admired
Respected
Supported
Understood
Valued
Then I suggest we ask how we can improve & take their answers seriously. If we work to improve our
"rating" without getting defensive I believe we will find the child or teen's respect for us increasing.

Here is my full page on respect

On Wanting the Best for Your Child

Every parent wants the best for their child. In my experience, however, parents typically believe they
know what is best for their child, before they get to know their child.
For someone to help us, they must first know us. They must know what our preferences and desires
are, what our beliefs and values are and what our dreams and fears are. Imposing their preferences,
their beliefs, their fears, their values on us does not help us-- it insults and offends us.
You can not get to know your children by ordering them around, judging, punishing, threatening and
interrogating them. In other, words, by imposing yourself on them. When we are imposed upon,
sooner or later, we reject this imposition. The more independent we are, according to unique genetic
code, the more completely we reject such imposition, and chose instead to find our own way.
To find out who your children are, you must listen to them, lay all the options before them, expose
them to the world's abundant possibilities. Then stand back in awe and wonder, and marvel at the
people they become.

When Your Child Uses "Bad" Language

It seems clear to me that when someone swears, curses or uses "bad" language it is because their
previous efforts to communicate have failed. In other words, those around them have not listened to
them and taken them seriously.
Rather than punish a child for his/her choice of words, seek to understand why they feel so strongly
and why they haven't felt heard without the use of such language. Seek to identify the emotions
behind the words. (See EQ Based Listening)

To Build Self-Esteem and Bonding:

Try to help your children feel:
Acknowledged, admired, appreciated, confident, trusted, needed, important, respected, approved of,
heard, safe, supported, understood, independent, free, cared about, valued
Express your feelings rather than issuing commands. (Article 1, Article 2)
Express your fears. Own them by taking responsibility for them.
Say: "I am afraid you will hurt yourself.", rather than "You are going to kill yourself if you keep that up!"
Take care of yourself. Don't try to get your emotional needs met through your children. That is
emotional abuse just as having sex with them is sexual abuse.

Seek first to understand, then be understood.

Show understanding, compassion, empathy. Teach it, model it.
Remember that children are emotional sponges. Infants are pre-logical, all emotional. If you feel
negative emotions, they will soak them up even if you try to hide them, so you must work on
eliminating them. (the negative feelings, not the kids!)
Become aware of your facial expressions and tone of voice. These carry powerful emotional
messages.
Express your regret when you feel it or when you make a mistake. Say: I feel bad about... Let them
know it is okay to admit mistakes & normal to feel regret.
Ask their forgiveness. Help them learn to forgive themselves, rather than try to "teach them a lesson
they will never forget."
To help them feel confident, don't underestimate them. Let them try more things on their own. Stand
back and only offer assistance when it is sought. For example, when a toddler is trying to climb over a
fence that his big brother just climbed over, don't just lift him up and put him down on the other side,
as I saw a nanny do one day. Instead, stand behind him and make sure he doesn't hurt himself. Even
let him fall a few more times than you think you "should." This is also how you help a child not feel
overprotected, as many children do. I am amazed to see what happens when children are simply left
alone to keep trying. They are incredibly persistent and resilient. They keep trying long after most
adults would have given up. I suspect that we have actually been trained to give up and to seek
assistance or expect someone else is going to come to the rescue.
Also, teach your older children to let the younger ones do things on their own. I once saw a preschooler struggling with buckling her shoes. Her older brother started to do it for her and I said,
"Bradley, I think Mary will feel good if she can do that by herself." He said "okay" and soon after she
succeeded on her own and briefly looked up to me for recognition. I gave her a wink and a smile to
reinforce her proud feeling of accomplishment and independence. I find that sometimes parents
exaggerate such small accomplishments and say "Spectacular!" I have mixed feelings about this. It
might help a child feel more proud, but it also might set the child up to be approval seeking and
externally motivated. It might also diminish the value of positive reinforcement over time, so I feel
cautious about verbalizing too much approval, excitement etc. I would be especially cautious if it feels
forced to you, as this could be subtly felt as insincerity by an intelligent, sensitive child. Psychologist
Nathaniel Branden points out that some children, especially those who are already a bit insecure
might think, "They must think I am really pathetic if they have to compliment me for that." Because I
want to encourage children to be set their own standards, I tend to follow the child's lead. In other
words, I wait to see how the child seems to feel about their effort. If they seem to want recognition, or
show that they are proud, I will acknowledge them and their pride. But if they are content without my
approval or recognition, I might simply smile to myself, knowing they are becoming independent
human beings.

Getting to Know Your Child & Helping Find His/Her Place in the World
One day I heard a six year old say "I hate organic food." The mother said, "She doesn't really hate it.
She doesn't even know what it is." I began thinking later that maybe it is true that the child doesn't
know what organic food is, but I am still curious why the child would say she hates it. Then again

maybe the child does know what it is and the mother has underestimated the child. This led me to
think about how we can use such interactions to get to know our children. In such an instance, the
parent might say, "You do?" The child might then say "Yes. I do. I hate it."
The parent could say, 'Oh, I didn't realize you knew what organic food was. You are pretty smart!' The
parent might then say, with genuine curiosity, "Can you tell me why you don't like it. I would like to
know."
The child might surprise the parent with a very articulate answer. Or perhaps the child can't explain
why she doesn't like it. She might say, "I don't know. I just do."
Then the parent could accept this by saying, "Okay." Or the parent could add, "Well, if you think about
it later, could you tell me because I am still curious. Okay?" I suspect most children will agree to this.
In fact, I think they will be pleased that their parents are interested. This could help them feel more
important, for example. It will also help them feel more in control of when they share information,
rather than feeling interrogated. My guess is that later they will volunteer why they don't like things in
the future.
The parent might continue the conversation by saying, "So you really don't like this food and would
prefer to have so and so food? Is that right?" The child will likely say yes. Now the mother and child
have reached some agreement, which feels good to both. The child also feels very understood.
Feeling understood puts all of us in a better, safer, more cooperative mood. We also then feel safer to
share our feelings, our preferences, our likes and dislikes, our ideas, beliefs and opinions. In this way
the parent is opening the doors to really getting to know their child.
In my experience it is more important for us to feel understood than it is for us to get what we want.
While one of the roles of the parent is to feed the child and take care of its physical needs, another
role is to help it find its place in life. To be able to do that the parent must really know the person who
is living with them for the first years of their lives. One of the best ways to make sure they do get to
know this person is by consistently accepting the child's feelings and enquiring into the reasons for
those feelings without judging the feelings or the explanations behind them.

Showing Appreciation
My recommendation is that you show appreciation and say "thank you" only when you actually feel
appreciative. This contrasts with using false appreciation as a positive reinforment type of behavior
control. I saw an example of this type of attempted behavior control or behavior modification in a
Kinkos copy center in one day.

On Crime and Violence

Remember that violence comes from feeling small, powerless, frustrated, controlled, trapped. Guns
are a substitute for feeling respected-- children who were respected don't need guns to feel powerful.
Crime is a very often a result of unmet emotional needs rather than physical needs. People are more
likely to hurt others when they have been hurt themselves, either physicall or emotionally. They are

also more likely to hurt others when they feel no empathy for others. Kids join gangs to get the
feelings they didn't get at home. For example: important, protected, respected, heard, connected,
accepted, needed, challenged. I had a teenager tell me that her gang gives her love, and I know that
she did not get this from her mother or father.
On Conflicts of Needs and Abuse
The parent's role is to meet the child's needs. This is how the relationship begins, and how nature has
designed the relationship to work. The best parent, then, has few unmet needs. Thus he/she can be
there to attend to the child's needs. The worst parents are the ones with the most unmet emotional
needs.
When the parent has many unmet needs, roles quickly become reversed; instead of the parent being
there to meet the child's nees, the child gets used in an attempt to fill the parent's needs. This creates
an unnatural situation. Such unnatural use of a child is the first step to the abuse of the child. It
matters little which unmet needs the parent is trying to fill--physical, sexual or emotional--it is still role
reversal, still an unnatural situation-- and still abuse.
Alice Miller on Mirroring, Feelings & Self-Esteem
The child has to be mirrored by the mother, which means that the child has to be able to find his true
self in his mother. If he does find himself in the mother, he knows that he is accepted with all his
needs and wants. If he does not find himself in her, he will find the projections and wants of his
mother by which he has to develop. Since this development is not a development on own terms, the
child will develop a false self to meet the mother's expectations. See also The Drama of the Gifted
Child by Alice Miller

Notes from article on "Best Parents" -- 3/3/95 D1 St. Pete Times, St. Petersburg, FL
Best parents:
1. Willingness to listen rather than lecture .
2. Respect for kids and their friends .
3. The ability to treat kids as individuals.
Teens say parents hold the key to good communication. All the parents have to do is listen. "If I tell
my parents that some of my friends are doing drugs, they'll explode, so I don't talk to them about it, I
talk to other parents," said one teen.
Teens want parents who will not cut them off in mid-sentence once the parent thinks they know the
direction things are going.
In other words, teens want parents who don't try to control every aspect of their lives, even their
communication style.
The best parents keep listening even when they don't like what is being said.

Notes from a radio interview with author of the book "What should I tell the kids?"
Parents are most important role model .
When the child is about 5 they begin to leave the house and get influenced by other adults, then other
students.
The child follows what the parent does, not what they say.
IE don't try to teach someone to not hit their sister by hitting them. Do as I say not as I do.
She says the most important thing for parents to do is have a good relationship between them.
And for them not to complain, judge and set other bad examples.
Teaching them how to solve problems (with words, not anger or violence) is one of the most important
skills to teach.
And to teach them it is okay to have feelings and how to verbalize feelings.
And to finish what they start (sph), and control their own behavior and emotions. But no matter how
well we teach them kids still need to learn their own lessons and find their own solutions.
She says you can both over value or undervalue kids. IE making them too much center of attention
4 C's
Compassion, communication, comprehend, competence
Start with compassion (example, I understand that x is important to you), then you can communicate,
and help them to comprehend which leads to their competence.
** Don't

put down something they value, that will put them on the
defensive and alienate them from you.

The Washing Up
While visiting a friend, I woke up to the sound of the mother and 10 year old daughter arguing. I could
tell the conflict was escalating so I went in to see if I could be of help. As I walked down the hall I
heard the daughter say, "Mom, there are heaps!" The mother shot back, "There are not heaps!"
When I arrived in the kitchen, I asked the daughter what was going on. She said her mother wanted
her to do the washing up (the dishes) and she was making her late for school. I asked if I could
mediate the situation and they both agreed. I began with the daughter. I started out by saying, "Okay,

so Mom wants you to do the dishes and you don't want to. Plus Mom said she isn't going to take you
to school until you do them? Is that right so far?"
Anja Lea answered, "Yes."
Then I said, "Okay, so you are probably feeling forced...?"
"Yes."
"And punished...?"
"Yes."
"And threatened....?"
"Yes."
"And intimidated...?
She didn't know what intimidation was so I explained it to her, then she said "Yes."
"And are you feeling loved...?"
"No."
"Cared for...?"
"No."
"Okay. And how much do you feel understood by your mom?"
"On a scale of zero to ten?" (I had been teaching the children to express their feelings from 0-10 for
the past few days.)
"Yes, from 0-10."
"Zero!"
I then asked Anja Lea to explain why she didn't want to do the dishes. Several times the mother
interrupted us to defend herself, but I wanted to make sure Anja Lea was finished talking before I
addressed the mother and the mother cooperated as best she could, even though it was noticeably
hard for her to sit there and listen in silence.
As Anja Lea talked I felt impressed by how articulate a 10 year old could be. She had very logical
arguments. She said for example, that there were dishes there from the weekend when it had been
her sisters turn to do them. She also said she didn't think it was fair that in the past week her mother
had allowed her sister to do the dishes in the afternoon rather than before school, so she didn't see
why she had to do them now. I said, "So you think it is not fair that Kay could do the dishes in the
afternoon, but you have to do them before you go to school this morning?"
"Right."

She added that she didn't even really ever agree to the idea of one person doing the dishes one week
and then the next person doing them the next week. She said that it was her mother and sister's idea,
but she wasn't in complete agreement when they were discussing it. In fact, she wasn't even in the
room until the decision was already virtually made. I said, "So you don't believe you are obligated to
stick to an agreement you didn't enter into voluntarily?"
"Exactly."
At one point I asked her if she felt a little defiant. She said "Yes." I then said, "What does your mother
usually do to get you to do something you don't want to do?" Anja Lea told me she usually threatens
her with no TV or something like that. I asked if she were afraid of her mother hitting her. She said
she wasn't. I asked, "What if your mother said you would never get to watch TV again and she was
never giving you a ride to school again? Then would you do the dishes?"
"No."
I smiled a little and said, "Personally I admire that, but I don't want to make things worse, so let's ask
mom how she feels about hearing you say that." The mother said she felt powerless, helpless and
very frustrated.
I then returned to A.L. to make sure I understood everything she had said so far and to show her that
I understood by paraphrasing, checking facts, etc. When it seemed she was finished explaining
herself, I asked her how much she felt understood by me. She said, "8."
I then said, "Hmmm. We are missing two... what else....?" She wrinkled her eyebrows, thought for a
few seconds, then told me that she had told her mother she would do the dishes after school.
"So you don't feel trusted?"
"No."
I then asked the mother how much she usually trusted A.L. and the mother said about an 8. I asked
A.L. if she would like to be trusted more, like at a 9 or 10 level and she said yes. I then asked if she
thought she that a 9 or 10 would be possible if she showed her mother consistently she could be
trusted. Again she said yes.
"Okay.... Anything else that I need to understand about why you don't want to do the dishes right
now?"
"Nope."
"All right, of all of this, what bothers you the most?"
Anja Lea said that it was that her mother didn't trust her keep her word and do them after school.
"Okay. Now, how much do you feel understood by me."
"10," she said, with obvious satisfaction.
Next I turned my attention to the mother. I may add more detail later but for now I will just say the
mother felt very defensive, very demanding, very upset. She also felt defied and disobeyed. And she

felt offended that her daughter accused her of not being fair. She said she does everything she can to
treat them equally and she is still accused of not being fair by both of them. I asked her how important
it was to her that the dishes get done in the morning and she said "10." I made a mental note that she
had painted herself into a corner by trying to force A.L. to do something she didn't want to do. Now
her happiness was out of her hands, and in the hands of A.L. She really seemed to need A.L. to do
the dishes, similar to the way a drug addict needs a fix.
She also seemed to feel threatened in the sense that her daughter was questioning her judgment and
her decision making authority by basically saying that when she let the sister Kay wait until the
afternoon it was a poor decision. Although the mother never acknowledged it, I sensed that this is
what actually bothered the mother the most. I base this assessment on the mothers tone of voice and
facial expressions as she talked about the various aspects. I believe she felt afraid of Anja Lea
questioning her decisions in the future and wanted to teach her a lesson not to question her
decisions, i.e. her authority. I also believe that the mother did not want to admit this to me, herself or
to Anja Lea and that is why even when I suggested it, she denied this was one of the things which
bothered her, let alone the thing which bothered her the most. (See her own account of the incident
below) I continued to let the mother explain herself until she also felt understood by me a 10. At that
point everyone was happy and they drove off to school.
--- If you found this article helpful, please consider making a small donation.-

Additional Thoughts

As I began asking Anj Lea how she felt, she spontaneously turned on the water and started
rinsing off the dishes. (In the mother's account she says that A.L. had bargained with her so
that the mother would fix her hair if she would do the dishes, but I only heard of this after the
fact and when I arrived it did not look like an agreement had been reached, and I feel certain
the mother was not doing A.L.'s hair at that point. The mother was still far too upset -- though in
her account she says she was "happily" doing her daughter's hair. What I recall is that the
mother did the hair after the dishes were done and after she had her chance to explain herself
to me.) At any rate, A.L. continued to do the dishes as we talked as if it they had never been an
issue. I wondered later what her reaction might have been if I had said, "How about you start
doing the dishes while we talk?" I expect she would have protested this idea. But when the
focal point became her feelings and the dishes were no longer the central issue, they got done
quickly, quietly and voluntarily.

As I see it, he mother actually created the problem by demanding that the dishes be done in
the morning. The mother kept saying, "We had an agreement that the dishes would be done in
the mornings." But first, Anja Lea did not feel bound by this "agreement" since she did not
perceive herself as entering into it voluntarily. More importantly though, what started out as an
agreement became a demand on the part of the mother. In fact, as I recall the mother actually
said "We have an agreement and it is non-negotiable." So the simple family "agreement"
quickly turned into the mother's non-negotiable demand. Or as some would say, it became an
"addictive demand" on the part of the mother. (Read the mother's own account to see how rigid
she felt about this.)

I actually see little difference between this agreement and a "rule." This reminds me of the
problems with rules. Once they are "laid in stone" then some people want to rigidly enforce
them on others, even though they may not want to follow them themselves. For example, Anja
Lea thought that Kay should have been forced to stay home from school if the dishes weren't

done since it was the new agreement/rule. She also is unlikely to help Kay in the future if Kay
wants help one morning. This is a household where there had been few if any "rules."
Everything seemed to be working relatively well, better than in most homes I have visited in
fact. But now, instead of the household running on flexibility, cooperation and spontaneously
filling needs, it is starting to run on rules, rigidity and punishment. Instead of mom simply
saying "I need help with the dishes and other housework from time to time, who will help me?"
she gets the girls to "agree" to an agreement which serves her needs more than it serves the
girls' needs. The mother is the one who wants to come home to a clean kitchen. The dirty
dishes in the sink during the day certainly don't bother the girls. They only bother the mother
when she comes home and sees them, so in Thomas Gordon's words, it is the mother who
"owns" the problem.

It didn't even make sense to me to make this rule because there were already lots of things to
do and lots of stress in the mornings before school.

The mother could easily be perceived as acting hypocritically by keeping the daughter from
going to school when the mother normally says she puts a very high value on education.
Further, it is likely that there are few circumstances which the mother would accept as
justification for the daughters being late at their own choosing. Instead, they would most likely
receive a lecture about the importance of school -- how there is no excuse for being late, how it
interferes with the teacher's lesson, and disrupts everyone else, etc. But when mom knows her
daughter is afraid of getting to school late, since she will get questioned about it at school by
both her peers and by the teachers, mom has no problem using it as leverage to win a power
struggle. A ten year old might not realize this inconsistency, but a bright teenager surely would.

Mother is actually is powerless, as all parents ultimately are. Any child with a will of his own will
one day refuse to obey the parent. Beyond physically grabbing the daughter's hands and
forcing them over the dishes, there is virtually nothing the mother can do except use fear,
threats, bribes etc. Parents who get addicted to obedience and being in control are only setting
themselves up for frustration and damaged relationships with their children. The sooner
parents realize they are powerless, the sooner they can start to learn ways to help a child want
to do things willingly. And by willingly I don't mean through the enticement of an external bribe.
I mean doing something primarily for the intrinsic reward we feel when we have done
something we freely chose to do.

The Mother was much more upset than the daughter. She was red in the face and much more
dramatic. Anja Lea was very controlled and rational. She was smiling by the time she was
finished explain herself.

When I ask parents and children questions like, "how much do you feel trusted" or "how much
do you feel trusting" I am making use of the principle that simply by tracking something we
tend to improve it. For example, I heard of research which showed that if we simply write down
something like how many times we swear each day, we can reduce our swearing, even if we
do nothing else besides chart our actual swearing history. So my theory is that when I ask Anja
Lea how much she feels trusted I am calling her attention to the topic. Then when I ask if she
thinks she can raise it up a notch or two, (and I never ask if someone can go from a 5 to a 10
in one big jump) I suspect that I am letting her consciously or subconsciously set an attainable
goal for improvement.

Later when the mother told me what happened on the way to school I learned two more interesting
facts.

First, Anja Lea was the first to apologize when the got in the car. This supports my beliefs that a)
children are quick to apologize when the feel bad for something, since they have not yet learned to
see apologizing as a sign of weakness, and b) that children often feel responsible for the feelings of
their parents and try to do what they can to help them feel better, as long as they themselves feel
understood and not attacked.
Second, the mother then also apologized and Anja Lea quickly accepted her apology and said,
"That's okay mom." But what is noteworthy is that even when Anja Lea accepted her mother's
apology, the mother kept seeking reassurance by saying things like "Are you sure you are not upset?"
I have seen this before in insecure parents who need reassurance from their children or from others.
(for a related story see "The overly apologetic coach")
Now, here is the he Mother's account:
===
My friend Steve Hein was staying with us. He had been with us for 4 days and was conducting some
observation/ intervention work with us. The usual morning rush was under way, Monday..breakfast,
school lunches, getting dressed, washing up..the typical demands and expectations flitting about. As
the minutes wore by, and school time got closer and closer, the demands and needs heightened. As
this all amplified, I was aware of my stress level beginning to rise. Trying to remain calm and enjoy
my pot of tea, whilst dealing with the needs and pleas of the two children, became increasingly
difficult. We have an agreement amongst us, that we take it in turns to wash the dishes each week.
This week it was Anja Lea's week. She was aware of this, and I chose to remind her at 8am, in an
effort to diminish the chances of both the girls being late for school. Immediately Anja Lea objected,
as she believed that there was washing up from the weekend, dishes and pots that she had not eaten
from. I informed her that it was only from last night's dinner and that it wasn't "heaps of stuff" at all.
She then said that Kay had left it till the afternoon one day last week. I reminded her that on that
occasion, Anja Lea had took it upon herself to admonish Kay for not doing the dishes in the morning,
as we had all agreed, and had in fact given Kay major grief over the issue.
A little later I was in the shower. Anja Lea came in and we once again debated the issue of the
washing up, and her desire to postpone the chore till the afternoon. I was aware of Steve, still in his
room, listening, and I wanted to work on the feelings and my responses to my kids. I felt unheard,
and repeated the same arguments to Anja Lea. In my bedroom dressing, Kay began hassling me
about the need to leave for school, because she didn't want to be late (an everyday scene). At this
time, I wasn't yet concerned about the hour, and told Kay that Anja Lea had to do the washing up, that
I had insisted, and that I wouldn't be driving them to school until the washing up was done. I
suggested that if Kay wasn't prepared to wait for a ride, then perhaps she should walk to school right
then. Needless to say, she wasn't happy. I reiterated the uproar from last week over the dishes, and
reconfirmed our agreement that every day, the dishes would be done in the morning, not left till the
afternoon, no matter what. Kay was far from happy, walked through the front door, threw a snarl my
way and slammed the door behind her. I instantly felt guilty. Kay was being punished for Anja Lea's
crime. Oh well, let's just get this washing up done I thought.
In the kitchen, after inquiring where her sister was, Anja Lea requested that I do two braids in her hair,
and indicated that she would do the washing up if I did the plates. Steve appeared in the kitchen and
aware of the stress levels, inquired as to what the hullabaloo was all about. I happily plaited Anja
Lea's hair, feeling relieved that the washing up would be done, as I set about explaining the situation
to Steve. Steve interrupted my tirade of justification and asked both Anja Lea and I how we felt. Anja
Lea said she felt mistrusted (that I did not trust that she would do the dishes that afternoon),

misunderstood, determined and defiant. I stated that I felt powerless, helpless, unassisted,
misunderstood, needy (that the dishes be done), guilty for Kay, and perhaps even desperate. Steve
asked how understood Anja Lea felt on this washing up issue (0). He then queried the "trust"
feelings, by asking Anja Lea how much she felt that I trusted her on this issue (5) and in general (9).
My trust level of her was 5-6 on this issue and 7-8 in general (it is important to note that by this stage,
Anja Lea had already begun washing the dishes). Anja Lea indicated that she would like my trust of
her to be 9, to which I acquiesced a 9 on the trust scale is acceptable.
We then discussed the issue of the "heaps" of washing up. Anja Lea thought it was heaps, whilst I
didn't. Steve pointed out the "how long is a piece of string" factor. Who decides what constitutes
"heaps" and does it matter? We then focussed on the urgency of the situation. My needs were in fact
urgent, I felt that I "needed" the washing up done at a rating of 9-10. Our agreement was nonnegotiable, particularly after the fuss Anja Lea made last week after Kay not doing the chore. For me,
that was the crux of the issue. How could I let Anja Lea off the hook, when she had chided me for
allowing Kay the same extravagance? We had an agreement after all. After expressing our feelings,
Steve once again inquired as to how we now felt understood. Anja Lea - 8. Two missing Steve
pointed out. Anja Lea then added another point to her case, and informed us that she was now
understood to a 10. Hooray!! As for me,7.three missing! I expressed the additional details I felt
lacking or not yet understood, and Woo Hoo, it's a 10 Steve!
Soon, the washing up was completed, I thanked Anja Lea and we headed to school. On the way up
the hill, she apologised for arguing with me. I apologised for arguing with her. A great outcome, but I
pushed it.I sought more reassurance and attempted to justify my position once more. Oh well, that's
my baggage from a lifetime of negative conditioning. The result was a good one, and next time,
maybe the apology will satisfy me as I would like to think.
===
It is interesting to see how the mother and I have different recollections of the same thing. I already
mentioned the issue of when the braids were put in the hair. Now I notice that the mother says she
thanked Anja Lea for doing the dishes. I definitely don't recall this. Knowing me, had she done so I
would have asked Anja Lea how much she felt appreciated! I won't say anymore about the mother's
account, because I am afraid she already will never speak to me again if she reads this!!
S. Hein
Jan 2002

Scrabble
Last night I was invited to play a game of Scrabble with my Australian friend Lee and her 13 year old
son Casey. Near the beginning of the game Lee looked at her letters and said, "Too bad you can't use
swear words..."
I think about this for a moment and say, "Hey, let's say we do! That could make the game a lot more
interesting! What do you say, Casey?" He grinned and said "Sure," so his mother spelled out "SHIT."
We made few jokes using this new word in combination with the other words on the board. When I felt
afraid we were getting a little too crude I thought of Casey and said "I don't suppose you talk like this
at school, do you?" He smiled. Then I smiled and said, "How old are you again, Case?"

Then in my usual provocative and direct way, I asked him if he ever says the "F" word. I enjoy seeing
how parents and kids react to questions like this. What I have found is that there is a wide variety of
responses, but each one says something about the relationship between the parent and child. Casey
hesitated just a moment, then said, "Sometimes... when I hurt myself."
I was pleasantly surprised he would admit this in front of his mother. I saw this as a sign of good
parenting, whereas in more rigid and authoritarian families this kind of question and answer would be
"totally inappropriate" in some families. (link to story on totally inappropriate).
I noted that Lee and I were basically treating Casey as one of the "adults." This seems much healthier
and much more natural than being afraid to say things in front of "the children." I would prefer to keep
the crude language to a minimum, but I don't want to pretend it doesn't exist or that kids don't swear
around each other, like many parents, teachers and principals seem to do.
During the game we bent the rules several more times. For example, we used abbreviations when we
saw a chance for them, such as "IV" and "etc." even though they are allowed by the rules which come
with the game.
Growing up in my family it was different. Though we played a lot of Scrabble, we never allowed
ourselves to break or bend the rules. In fact, we would check the rule book if we were ever in doubt.
Also, we wouldn't let someone change their word once they had taken their finger off of the last letter,
which I think came from the rule book as well.
Now my philosophy is that the rule book is just a list of guidelines. Now I say, let's be creative and
improve upon them to make the game more fun and less competitive. Let's help each other find the
best word rather than worrying about who has the highest score.
This was more the way we played last night. Last night when one of use would get stuck we would
show our letters to the others. This was something else rarely done in my family.
Also, last night when I started to put down the word "zone," Lee exclaimed, "Oh darn! That was the
space I wanted..." I felt bad, so I said, "Aww.." and stopped forming the word. Lee quickly said, "Oh
that's okay. I just wanted to use my "Q" there."
Still, I took away my letters and said "Well, tell you what...I will let you use it, just to see if something
good will happen to me for being generous."
Actually this was an interesting thing to say because I was thinking in terms of being externally
rewarded for my feelings and behavior, rather than letting the positive feeling of helping her be its own
reward.
Later I said to Lee, "I should have told you I would let you have that space if you would agree not to
deduct the ten points for the "Z if I get stuck with it." Now I feel a little embarrassed to admit this,
since is shows that I was overly focused on winning, than on having fun and helping Casey learn
words.
Something else I am a little embarrassed to admit is that at another point I joked that we might play
for 100 dollars and we allow each other to buy letters from each other. For example, I might say "I will
give you five dollars for an "S," Casey." Then I said "Or we could buy them with points, like "I will give
you five points off of my score for it."

I wondered later if this kind of competitiveness, materialism and deal making, was partly a function of
the American culture I was raised in. I thought this all would make a good basis for some research on
national and religious attitudes and values.
At the end of the game instead of deducting points for unused letters, as we did in my family, Lee and
Casey took a more creative approach. They began looking for a place to put everyone's remaining
letters. I joined them in this novel approach to finishing the game and when we had found a spot for
the last letter, we all felt a sense of success and teamwork. This seems to me to be a much healthier
way to end a game of Scrabble than focusing on who has the most points. The next time we might
just try to work together to see how high we can make one cumulative score, instead of competitively
keeping three separate scores. This reminds me of another friend of mine who recently played a
game of tennis where the object was to see how long they could keep the volley going, not to beat the
other person. He joked that the next time they play they might take the net down, though, because
the "bloody thing kept on getting in the way!"
S. Hein. - Jan 2002

Expressing Fears and Taking Action While Allowing Fun

This is an account of how I applied my theory of being aware of my feelings, expressing them and
letting them guide me to take relevant action. -- S. Hein Jan 2002
-Today I am watching two six year old twins. One stands up on the arm of the futon/sofa and looks at
me and asks if she can jump down. I say "if you feel safe." She jumps down like she is diving into a
swimming pool. Then I realize I am afraid she could break the boards under the cushion, so I explain
this to her. I lift the futon cushion and show her the boards. Not wanting to spoil her fun though, I ask
her to wait a minute so I can put a I put a thick, fluffy blanket (known as a doonah in Australia) on the
sofa.
Her twin sister joins her in the fun of jumping off the arm. But then I start to feel afraid they will hit their
heads on the wooden arm on the other side of the lounge, so I explain this to them and I put a pillow
on it. Then later I add another one because I realize I am afraid one is insufficient.
Then they climb up higher, onto the back of the lounge and jump from there. I feel afraid this extra
height will be too much for the boards so I stop the fun for a moment and put a pillow under the
blanket. Then later I still feel afraid so I add another one.I explain each time that I am afraid the board
will break. Then they both try to climb up and jump at the same time and I start to feel afraid they will
fall into each other and hit their heads together or fall back onto the piano. They are also starting to
fight to get in position to jump. One is jumping more than the other and the second one feels cheated,
so there is a little conflict. After the first one jumps again I hold her and ask if we can let her sister
have a turn.
I have a guideline of trying never to tell a child what to do, or at least not when there is a conflict. I try
to let them feel noble and in control of the decision. This is based on the belief that children do care
about other people's feelings. I feel a little afraid the fun is getting out of control. I tell them what I am
afraid of but then don't seem to pay too much attention.

I decide to try to redirect their energy and the fun of the sofa with the pile of blankets and pillows. I
pick one up and we start a new game. I drop her onto the fluffy pile. I tell her to hold her ankles and I
pick her up by her feet and drop her. She thinks this is great fun so I do it several times. Then her
sister wants to join us. Later I cover one of the twins up in the doona and tickle her. She laughs.
Then I sit on her and pretend that I don't know she is under the blanket. I say "Hmmm, this blanket is
very bumpy. I wonder what is making it so bumpy! I will have to try to find the cause of the
bump!" So I pretend to be looking for the bump and tickle her some more and she laughs. Then she
wants me to sit on her again. We all take turns tickling each other and laughing, while I think about
how different things would have gone if initially I would have simply said "No jumping off of the arm of
the sofa."

Other-Esteem vs. Self-Esteem - (Casey and the skateboard) (approx 2,000 words)
This is a small example of developing self-esteem in a child and the dangers of invalidation.
The other day 11 year old Casey came out of the hostel on a skateboard he had modified. He had
attached a long threaded rod to it. Then attached a handle to the rod, so he sort of made a scooter
out of his skateboard. His mother proudly told me to look at what he had created. This was already a
small boost to his self-esteem -- just the acknowledgement and approval and pride of his mother. She
didn't make a big deal out of it. She didn't try to make herself look good through him-- in other words
she didn't try to use him to fill her own unmet esteem needs. She just mentioned it with a mother's
glow as she looked over at him.
I said something to acknowledge him and his creation. Something like "wow" or "cool." Then I asked,
"Did you make it all by yourself?" He nodded. Then I thought of saying, "Good job" or "Good on you,"
as they say in Australia. But I remembered it was more important what he thought of it than what I
thought of it. So I asked, "Are you happy with it?"
He looked at me puzzled. Not many people ask something like that of a child. We are always offering
our judgment of something, but rarely asking people for their own self-judgment. In other words, we
are always setting them up to seek and respond to what I call "other-esteem."
Over years and years of other people passing judgment on us we learn to seek the approval of
others. It becomes more important than our own self-approval and self-acceptance. Their standards
become more important than our own standards. We become externally oriented and outwardly
directed instead of internally oriented and inwardly directed. We listen to the external voice of
"authority" over our inner voice. We respond to extrinsic rewards and fears rather than intrinsic ones.
There are lots of ways to say it, but the key is that over time, little by little, we lose our sense of self.
Or perhaps we could say our "self" never get develops.
I asked Casey another question: "Are you satisfied with the way it turned out?" This time he smiled
and said yes. I have noticed that children smile more when they are pleased with something as
opposed to when an adult is pleased with it. Evidently it feels better for them to have a chance to
affirm their own satisfaction in the presence of someone else. I suspect that different chemicals in the
brain are created when someone else judges or evaluates us. I wonder if a child starts out being
more interested in his own self- evaluation. If he lives in his own world more, so to speak. It seems
this is probably the case. Children can be so amused and so pleased with such small things.
When you give a child an opportunity to assess himself, you give him a power; you are empowering
him. But when you judge him, you disempower him. You rob him of his need to set his own standards

and form his own inner compass. Those that have a strong sense of inner direction have
perseverance in the face of public disapproval. These are the people who become the leaders, the
creators, the inventors. .
A critical factor in building self-esteem and empowering the child is not to invalidate his selfassessment, whatever it is. If he says something like "I'm not very happy with it," it is important not to
try to talk him out of his feelings, even though you may have good intentions for trying to do so. For
example I have seen some adults who would invalidate the child and say something like, "What do
you mean?! Don't say that. How could you not be happy with it? It is a great invention. You should be
really proud of it."
When you over-rule his own assessment you are doing several things which could unintentionally
damage him or your relationship with him. First, you are confusing him. You are telling him that his
own assessment is wrong. You are telling him his thinking process is wrong and that his feelings are
wrong. You are telling him his brain isn't working well. Thus you may be teaching him to lose
confidence in his greatest asset and most valuable survival tool: his own mind.
Another source of confusion may come from the child who thinks something like "I know it isn't as
good as they are saying. Why would they be telling me it is good?" Psychologist Nathaniel Branden
suggests some children may think like this: "They must be lying because they feel sorry for me or
they think I am too weak to handle the truth."
Second, you may be giving him the message that your opinion is more important than his opinion. He
fells instantly smaller, less of a person. His self-esteem plummets. You might think that you are
helping him by trying to build up his self-esteem, but you aren't; you are doing just the opposite.
Third, you may be teaching him to keep his opinions to himself. Over time, the more you invalidate a
child and disagree with what they say, especially in the area of feelings, the less they will share with
you. And what they do share will be mostly what they have learned that you want to hear. Things they
know you will debate with, disagree with or invalidate, they learn to leave out of the conversation. It
just doesn't pay for them to try to argue with you. Parents are generally much more powerful in every
way: physically, financially, verbally, logically.
You are also more powerful emotionally. First, you can frighten them with any number of threats.
Second, because you are more able to control your emotions, to show the emotion you want to
show-- to talk yourself out of your true feelings and to put on an act that you really feel something
else. For example, you may feel a little sad that they aren't happy, but instead of saying the most
truthful -- and actually, the easiest -- thing, that you are sad to hear that, you think that
encouragement is called for so you muster up your best cheerful tone of voice and tell them there is
nothing to be unhappy about!
So because you are more powerful in all these ways, and because it doesn't feel good to constantly
lose battles with you, you risk creating a situation where your child shares less and less over time. In
the homes where such processes continue you find almost a total breakdown of communication by
the time the child is a teen. Mom doesn't know where her son is or what he is doing most of the time.
She doesn't know how he feels about school, about his teachers, about his subjects about drugs or
about how she is doing as a parent.
So, then, what do you say if the child puts himself or his work down?
One thing you can do is say how you honestly feel using a feeling word. Over the long term, by the
way, not only are you teaching emotional honesty by doing this, but you will find it becomes easier

and easier. And you actually feel better because it takes less energy and creates less stress to be
honest.
Minimize your negative feeling if you want, but don't totally change it. Remember though, how you
feel is not what is most important. What is most important is how your child feels. Remember, you are
there to fill your child's unmet emotional needs- - he is not on earth to fill yours. And if you are too
emotionally expressive, you risk creating a role reversal situation where the child begins to parent you
and put your emotions first.
So don't elaborate on your feelings. Don't give him a mini-lecture. Don't try to talk yourself thru your
own feelings, don't even explain them to him unless it is a relatively major issue, and even then, if you
really feel the need to explain yourself, wait till your child has explained his.
Instead of talking about yourself, put the focus right back on him. The sooner the better; so the less
you say, the better. Kids need to talk. They need to be heard. They need to be understood. The way
this happens is you learn to listen and seek to understand.
So you say something like, "Yeah? How come you are unhappy with it?" Then whatever your child
says, you accept. You accept their perception. Even it makes no sense to you, it is still their
perception. They own it. Don't try to steal their perception from them or tell them they shouldn't or
can't keep it. It has some value to them because it is part of them at that moment. No matter how
unhappy they are, I believe it is better to accept their perception. After you accept it, then they can
start to solve their own problems. And they will. They always will. Just give them the opportunity. Don't
rob them of the chance to learn to manage their own emotions by instantly trying to talk them out of
their feelings.
In my experience, once you accept their unhappiness, the next thing that happens is they say
something positive. In other words, like pendulums, they start to move back towards equilibrium.
Humans are pleasure seeking animals. When we are out of equilibrium we naturally seek ways to get
back to it. One of the most precious things about children is their creativity. Give them a chance to
develop it, to excersise it. Let them come up with their own solutions. Offer gentle coaching if you
want, by saying something like, "What would help you feel better about it?" Or if they seem stuck,
offer them support by saying something like, "Is there anything I can do to help."
If they aren't talking, it might be best to just silently offer them a hug or a caring moment of silence
with your hand touching them. Many parents fill the need to fill the uncomfortable silence with their
own words. I suggest you avoid doing this. There is power in a quiet moment with your child. You
might let them know you are willing to listen if they want to talk about it later, and that you are sorry
they are feeling so bad, if that is actually how you are feeling.
Or you might be feeling frustrated or helpless. If so, go ahead and tell them, but minimize it so your
feelings don't become the central issue. Just communicate honestly and compassionately with them.
Stay if they seem to want you to, or just let them work it out a bit on their own, confident that they will.
In fact, when you do this, you are showing your confidence in them and helping them develop selfconfidence.
Most of the time, kids can quickly figure things out for themselves. Most of the time they can solve
their own problems and heal their own wounds with just the smallest amount of sincere empathy and
validation on your part. And when they need more help, they ask for it. With our love for them and our
good intentions we so often underestimate them and over-protect them. To build their self-confidence,
self-esteem and sense of self, we can help them most when we ask for their own self-appraisals while
keeping our input to the very minimum. Then we simply validate their reponses and seek

understanding of why they feel the way they do. This is how we help nature unfold before our eyes.
Then we step back and watch in awe as out of this young child grows a unique individual unlike any
other in the universe.

One controlling mother

Here is a list of what one controlling mother did, all within a few minutes one morning:
- she told her daughters to stop what they were doing and eat
- she ordered one of her daughters to go to the store and buy something
- she brought me food without asking me if I wanted any, or what I would like to eat
- she brought me tea when I told her I didn't want tea
- she told me that I should tell her brother, who is a very intelligent friend of mine, what he should do
- she forced her daughter to stand in front of her while the mother pulled a hair brush through her
daughter's hair, even though it was obviously hurting the daugther's head
- she told her other daughter to come over so she could brush her hair. She banged the brush on the
table, as I have seen teachers bang rulers on desks in Thailand and Peru, and told her to hurry up
- she said something like "I give the orders in this house"
This mother is also a teacher. She went to school for five years to be trained to be a teacher.
Evidently no where in the training was a course on how to listen or how to treat others with respect.
This is just a small example of what goes on in millions or even billions of homes everyday. I have to
wonder what effect this has on the world.
S. Hein
December, 2004
Peru

Links for Parents

www.wendypriesnitz.com
Aware Parenting
Mark Reuther's Heartmates Page
Ron Brill's Emotional Honesty Page
Jan Hunt's Natural Child Page -- lots of good articles by Alice Miller and others

Top Ten+ Suggestions For How to Develop Your Child's Emotional Intelligence

"How to Develop Your Child's Emotional Intelligence"

1. Develop your own emotional literacy
2. Start to use more feeling words in the home.
3. Ask your children how they feel.
4. Use the 0-10 scale for feelings.
5. Encourage them to use specific feeling words.
6. Help them find ways to express their feelings
without them saying "I feel like," or "I think".
7. First validate the feelings, then address the
behavior.
8. Find a "Yes", from inside the "No" (See story)
9. Identify the unmet need.
10. Joinly problem-solve to find a healthy, acceptable
way to fill it.
11. Take a lot of responsibilty for your own feelings.
12. Don't blame your child or teen for your feelings.
13. Don't make your child / teen feel overly responsible
for your happiness, disappointment or other feelings.

Need section on selfishness - how it is normal to think of our own needs first. Babies are not selfish.
When someone uses the word selfish it tells me they do not understand emotional needs, nature and
survival. Without such understanding there can be little or no compassion.