Free

WEEKEND 4.1.2016

Boulder
bubbled
City orders residents to
surrender cars, maintain
mindfulness after county
civil war is waged [4]

An edition of the Daily Camera

Celebrating more than 100 years in publishing

Ralphie is pissed
Ground control to major Buffs

CU nabs No. 1 spot to get hitched to a scientist

Wtf

Your daily allotment of odd

TRUMP MISSING

FROM A SIGN OUTSIDE HIS RESORT

Prairie dog named

city mascot, leaving
Boulders storied
buffalo in the dust
[26]

Trump is missing at least from the sign outside of one of the

Republican presidential candidates Florida golf resorts.
The Palm Beach Post reported Wednesday that someone
removed the script lettering spelling the owners surname from a
Trump National Jupiter entrance sign. Resort officials did not immediately respond to calls and emails Wednesday from The Associated Press.
Jupiter police spokesman Officer Adam Brown told the AP on
Wednesday that no report has been filed and the club has not
requested assistance.
Trump National is where Donald Trumps campaign manager
Corey Lewandowski allegedly grabbed a female reporter by the arm
earlier this month. He was charged this week with battery. He has
denied the allegation.

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FOR OVER 60 YEARS.
BANK
ANK LOCAL.

BECAUSE WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

It matters where you bank. Stop by a branch and see why.

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by the NCUA

2 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

Ear worms

pg

3 Daily dose

MORE

Add your events at dailycamera.com/submit

Wtf ? FROM PAGE 1

Baby your ears

GOV. SCOTT TELLS YALE:

BRING THE IVY LEAGUE
TO FLORIDA

New technology
improves human
hearing dramatically

Florida Gov. Rick Scott wants

one of Americas most prestigious
universities to move its campus
south to the Sunshine State.
Scott on Tuesday urged Yale University to ditch Connecticut and
relocate its campus. The Republican explained that Connecticut
legislators are considering a bill
that would tax Yales massive university endowment.
Scott said in a statement that
Florida would welcome a world-renowned university and promised
that the state wouldnt impose taxes on the endowment.
He also urged other businesses
in Connecticut to consider moving
to Florida.
But the Ivy League institution
isnt planning to take up Scotts
invitation.

Staff Writer

By Dunk in Your Trunk

Dan Ocampo / Associated Press

I think the pigeons got a ping-pong ball stuck in a traffic light.

oly shit, there are

Pigeons Playing Ping
Pong on the Hill. Right
over there. Pigeons. Playing Ping Pong. But for
real, the electro-funk band
from Baltimore will be

taking on the Fox Theare,

1135 13th St., tonight at 9,
where they are hosting an
album release show.
Watch out for bird shit.
Or just dance in it. Good
talk, sports.

ColoradoDaily.com

On the Cover
Morguefile art
edited by Stephanie Swartz
Buck Harold-Tooth, president of
Prairie City Council, revels in the glory
of his award as Chip licks her nose in
consternation.

Phone: 303-473-1111
Main Office: 2500 55th St.,
Suite 210, Boulder, CO 80301
Editor: Christy Fantz, 303-473-1111
editor@coloradodaily.com
Advertising: Jill Stravolemos, 303-473-1400,
stravolemosj@dailycamera.com
Circulation: Preston Latham, 303-994-3677

Weatherman Bob
Today

ars are like a new car.

Once you take them out
of the package, they start to
depreciate, whether you like
it or not.

Sunday

Saturday
Mostly sunny.
High 45, low 32.
Wind around 6
mph in the afternoon.

Sunny. High
59, low 36.
Wind 5 to 7
mph.

Trending on Twitter
#IndvsWI
Zaha Hadid
#Miitomo
#WatchTEAMOnVevo
#IfIHadAnExtraFiveMinutes
#KissItBetterVideo
Ivy Park
April Fools

OH via @hammbone84
MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS
AND IM TERRIFIED OF THE
CONSEQUENCES FOR THE
ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO
NATURAL PREDATORS.

Sunny. High
62, low 39.

Straight from moms vagina, theyre fresh and new,

and you can hear things that
mom no longer can at that
point.
Its pretty well-known science.
So its not surprising that
in this age of
headphones
and personal
music playback explosion, some
enterprising
Trunk
company
would discover and bring to
market an accessory that
brings back to life the lost
hearing weve all accumulated over time.
Ernesto Mondo Sanchez, a
young Bolivian entrepreneur
living in Chile, has recently
developed a new device that,
while not yet available in the
U.S., is taking the rest of the
developed world by storm.
Baby Earz is a set of
devices that are literally
made from the ears of
babies, and attaches to the
users ears via a pair of luxuriously soft clips.
Like any new tech product,
these devices contain complex machinery. Their intricate design is achieved with
such space-age materials as
cartilage, baby-soft skin and
tiny little adorable hairs.
Weighing in at almost a
gram each, these little stocking stuffers are luxuriously
light. According to the com-

panys press release, the

extreme light weight is due
to proprietary technology.
However I read recently on a
Reddit thread that a user disassembled a pair and reports
there is not a damn piece of
proprietary anything inside
its just a babys ears!
Either way, Im intrigued.
Anything that can offer real
improvement in the hearing
department is a must-have
for audiophiles.
I reached out to Sanchez
for comment about the proprietary science in the devices. He quickly responded
and says that while the stock
model is simply a matched
pair of ears, the premium
upgrade package allows you
to choose from many different colors, size, age and even
has three levels of freckle
content to match the tastes
of the user. On top of that,
the premium models do have
some special sauce to the
design implementation, and
all Ernesto would reveal was
that the added material is
sourced from the worlds
most active volcanoes and
involves a labor-intensive
process of brushing that
results in even better performance.
Regarding current
reviews, foreign language
audio magazines have been
gushing over the seasons
hot must-haves. Word is the
company is trying desperately to market and sell in the
U.S., but so far legal battles
and regulatory issues have
prevented it.
We are going to prevail,
says Sachez. Americans
would love these, and with
such a big market of music
listeners and audiophiles, we
hope that [Baby Earz
introduction to the U.S.] happens very soon.
As do I. Im looking forward to the day when I can
once again hear like a baby.

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 3

Busted

CU & The Peoples Republic

BABY SHOWERS, MAN

University of Colorado

LOCAL WOMEN
ARRESTED AFTER
BRUNCH BRAWL

Top spot to Bag an Astronaut

Jennifer Bernardini and Samantha Munke were arrested Tuesday

evening on minor assault charges
following a brunch-time brawl during Munkes baby shower at Boulder eatery Mimosas.
Allegedly, Munke had
announced her childs name
would be Hazel, infuriating Bernardini. Authorities said insults
and scones were thrown.
Jenn freaked out and said
shed planned to name her baby
Hazel ever since she met her third
cousins childs dog, whos named
Hazel, Amy Hannah, who also
attended the shower said. She
was all, That bitch knew I was
saving that name for my kid and
she took it anyway. Then Samantha pointed out that Jenn should
shut her cakehole she didnt
even have a boyfriend and wasnt
exactly in danger of having a kid
anytime soon.
Hannah said the situation got
ugly.
Baby showers suck. You wanna survive one buy a box of
diapers, stick a flask of whiskey
in your boot, show up late, leave
early and shut your mouth when
they wanna play the Bob for Nipples game.

Popular Science
ranks the university
as No. 1 spot
to marry a scientist

SO BOULDER

FIGHT BREAKS OUT

AT BAGEL SHOP
Authorities said a fight broke
out Thursday night in the Lower
East North Boulder Business District, or LowENoBo, when a customer from Denver ordering a
bagel asked directions to actual
Boulder.
No injuries were reported.
Its just not something you ask
in these parts without things getting incredibly passive-aggressive
and by passive-aggressive, I
mean aggressive-aggressive,
said an eyewitness who declined
to be identified. This is actual
Boulder, this four-block radius,
right here in Lower East North
Boulder.
The victim did not receive his
bagel.
In related news, a neighborhood in southeast Longmont has
renamed itself Upper North West
Lafayette.

the spaceflight and spacecraft programs.

Can you print baller in
your newspaper? Im trying
to sound jiggy and hip.
Sure thing, buddy.
By Seymour Jugs
CU senior Ivana Settledon
Staff Writer
said the reason she came to
Popular Science released Boulder from Russia for colits rankings for top scilege was to find a nice,
ence schools, and the Unismart man with money who
versity of Colorado made
wears cool hats.
nearly every list.
Settledon added that she
The top spot the university thinks astronaut hats are
landed was Where to Bag
super cool.
an Astronaut Spouse. Other
Aerospace engineering
lists CU garnered top-10
grad student Hi G. P. Aye
rankings were: Sexy Engisaid its flattering to even be
neers, Smart Ass Mother- considered by a national
fuckers, Most Likely to
magazine.
Die Rich, Stoned with SciI may have adult acne
ence and Most Likely to
and extreme social awkLive on Another Planet.
wardness, but if this helps
Bill Sci, the self-promy chances in the sack, then
claimed Science Guy and
Im all for it, Aye said.
editor of the publication, told
CU spokesperson Buffy
the Colorado Daily in a
Luxe said the university
phone interview: The Uniappreciates the mention, but
versity of Colorado is a topthat CU takes these lists
notch American university
with a grain of salt.
with outstanding science
We dont place a lot of
and engineering programs, stock in these lifestyle surSci said. The university is
veys, Luxe said. Were
constantly contributing to
more concerned with being
new research in space and
a top-notch academic univerhave long been top ballers in sity.

NASA / Courtesy Photo

An artist's rendition of the New Horizons spacecraft as it makes its
closest approach to Pluto and its largest moon, Charon, last year. CU
has been named the top spot to Bag an Astronaut Spouse by
Popular Science magazine.

City smackdown

Civil war in Boulder County heats up

By Steven With a V Glass
Staff Writer
drone strike by Longmont on Boulders
prized Central Park bandshell is just the latest escalation in tensions between the
neighboring cities.
No one was injured in the
attack, which reduced the
structure to rubble, and
Boulder officials said they
would not retaliate since no
animals or trees were
harmed.

4 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

Not a single person in

Boulder was actually aware
Attention
of aggressions by Longresidents:
mont, having been preoccupied with actual shit to worThe city is mandating that
all privately owned
ry about.
automobiles must be
Now that the altercation
surrendered to the city by
has been brought to our
the end of April. They will
attention, we have planned
be utilized as permanent
to take appropriate action,
shelter for the homeless,
said Mayor Casey Jones,
officials said.
during a press conference
with the one remaining Colannouncement, Jones and
orado Daily employee.
Immediately following the her fellow councilors direct-

ed city staff to begin construction on a durable hypoallergenic bubble around

the city, which until the
strike, most residents took
to be an actual dome protecting them from outside
threats.
To protect the health of
the citizens from noxious
fumes, officials said cars
will be banned within the
bubble; all privately owned
automobiles must be sur-

See WAR, page 18

CU & The Peoples Republic

The Hill

AOL from page 5

He added: Meg Ryans
still alive? Hey, isnt that
neat.
Ryan didnt return calls
for comment.
The head of Boulders
Google operation said he
welcomes the move with

open arms.
Look, Google is in the
middle of creating its Fiber
Phone, where were aiming
to make landlines relevant,
Mr. Google said. And boom
goes the Boomers. Boom.
Atrick, 93, said its Shan-

tytown will feature state-ofthe art fax machines, the

fastest dial-up service and
free aspirin.
Atrick added: Psh
ckkrrrr k kakingkakingkaking chchchchch. Ding.
Ding. Ding. Youve got
mail.

Boulders Premier
Recreational Marijuana Center

DAILY SPECIALS
$

25 Top Shelf Eighths*

$
20 Shake Eighths*
% FF
20 O s
Edsible
Edipu*sere
lect strain

Cosmos gets Berned

Cops quell social
media melee
at pizza joint
By Fant Ze Pants
Staff Writer
To a large crowd in Boulder Thursday night, it
appeared Bernie Sanders got
into the dispensary cookie
jar.
The democratic presidential candidate, who was in
Boulder campaigning in the
Topless Gardeners front
yard, was allegedly found
face-down in a bowl of spicy
ranch at Cosmos, said
numerous eyewitnesses.
University of Colorado students blew up social media
with pictures, tweets and
comments.
A tweet from @yourmomishigh
read: Duuuuuuuudes. Im
getting a slice at Cosmos
and Im pretty sure
#BernieSanders is asleep in
ranch. #BAMF for #president.
Another tweet from
@ILoveRalphie read: Guys.
You have to get to #cosmos
now. #thebern is stuffing
face.
The growing crowd spread
quickly, snapping photos of

the sighting. This prompted

local law enforcement to
send cops to try and quell
the situation before riots
broke out.
After the police woke the
white-haired man from his
short slumber and ran his
identification, a spokesperson announced that the
unidentified man was Larry
David, not Bernie Sanders.
David, who has been spoofing Sanders on Saturday
Night Live this season, was
in town stumping for the
presidential candidate, whom
he called his pal.
After the situation subsided, David told the Colorado
Daily he didnt understand
what all the hoopla was
about.
Its legal here, right? Why
cant a man smoke a joint
and eat a pie?
After the shop cleared out,
David waked out with two
large to-go cheese pizzas,
managers said.
I thought all those kids
taking pictures of me just
like Seinfeld, said David.
After the ruckus, Cosmos
announced they will now
rename the large cheese pizza, Cosmo Kramer: The
Assman.

Easy Accessibility Plenty of Parking Quick Service

Mon - Fri: 10 a.m. - 6:45 p.m. Sat & Sun: 11 a.m. - 6:45 p.m.
2750 Glenwood Drive #8 Boulder, CO
(303) 945-4074 bouldergreenroom.com
Must be 21 years of age with a valid state ID

6 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

Keith Srakocic / Associated Press

This is kind of what the scene looked like at Cosmos on Thursday night.

Quick Hits
Booming Boulder biz

AUTOMO-BEAT IT!

AOL moving HQ to Boulder

Mass media
corporation
announces
Shantytown via
MySpace page
By Tech Nology
Staff Writer
n response to Googles
August announcement it
was breaking ground on a
four-acre Boulder campus at
30th and Pearl streets,
America Online announced
Thursday, via its MySpace
page, that it is moving the
companys headquarters to
town.
The Google campus could
employ up to 1,500 workers
in town and will rank Boulder among Googles top 10
offices nationwide.
According to AOLs MySpace page, construction on
a tent village somewhere on
the outskirts of the city,
probably near an underpass, is set to begin in
2017. The company expects
to employ 13 people.
Officials at AOL, currently headquartered in New
Jersey, said in a release that

COUNCIL EYES
INCLUSIVITY MEASURE
Brian Hamill / Warner Bros.
Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, seen here in a scene from 1996s Youve Got Mail, were asked attend AOLs
groundbreaking ceremony in Boulder, but the pair declined.

the company wants to

Baby Boom the millennials.
Whatever that means.
Were sick of Boomers
falling by the wayside, said
AOLs CEO Jerry Atrick.
We know how to use the

internets and the YouTubes

and the Snapchats, too. We
want to help infuse more
silver suave into this
renowned tech community.
Actors Tom Hanks and
Meg Ryan, who starred in
1998s overly egregious
AOL product-placement

flick, Youve Got Mail,

declined invitations to the
ground-breaking ceremony
next year.
Ha! AOLs still kickin?
Hanks said in a phone interview.

See AOL, page 6

Explosion blankets city in gluten

fled the city.
Police officials said no
one was injured in the
explosion, which destroyed
the 20,000 square foot facility located on the north side
By John Ursidae
of the city.
Staff Writer
We are still looking into
n explosion rocked the the cause, Boulder Police
NoCo Gluten Removal
Sgt. Al Flashbang RockaPlant on Tuesday, sending a tanski said. At this time, we
shower of the dreaded
do not suspect any criminal
wheat protein raining down activity, but there is definiteon panicked citizens, thouly a lot of gluten in the air
sands of whom have already right now.

Plans to extend the Pearl Street

pedestrian mall east all the way to
the Twenty Ninth Street Mall is
being touted as a prelude to legislation towards making Boulder the
fifth largest bicycle only city.
Bicycle Only Movement officials
proposed a master plan that will
adopt the eventual restriction of
motor vehicles within city limits.
Whether hoverboards will be
subject to these restrictions
remains uncertain.
When reminded that much of
Boulders workforce, notably
those who frequent cafes with
their laptops, are unable to afford
the citys high cost of living, and
must drive in from as far away as
Westminster, Bicycle Only Movement leaders responded with
Who? and Work?

RAINBOW BRIGHT

The shit is going down

Police cited riots

at Whole Foods;
U.S. 36 clogged
until further notice

BICYCLE ONLY MOVEMENT

SET IN MOTION

He added that quinoa and

kale supplies have not been
affected, but gluten-free
goods might become hard
to find in the coming days.
The sudden influx of gluten in the air sent hordes of
panicked Subaru owners
toward Denver in search of
gluten-free goods, due to
projected shortages in Boulder. Highway U.S. 36 was at
a standstill for six hours.
Boulder resident Bernie
Bernard said was one of an

estimated 5,000 people fleeing the city and said she

was taking her family to
Denver in search of fish
tacos.
At this point I would
probably settle for cod,
Bernard said, wiping tears
away from her face. Preferably, wed like Mahi Mahi
with a habanero avocado
demiglaze, but at this point
well take what we can get

See GLUTEN, page 7

Lawmakers proposed Tuesday

to add to Boulders famed Green
Belt a series of purple, red, yellow and blue open space bands,
dubbed The Rainbow Suspenders, in an effort to be inclusive.
The proposal, however, has yet
to make it out of committee, as
three commissioners agree the
plan is very Mork from Ork.

LOOK AT THIS GUY

PRANKSTER SNAPS SELF

WITH RUBBER BAND
On Monday, Josh Lee, 36,
attempted to playfully hit his male
co-worker in the back with a rubber band, but instead hit himself
in the face. Officials said Lee was
left with a 2-inch welt across his
left eye and a $900 hospital bill.
When asked to comment, Lees
longtime coworkers unilaterally
described him as a total wanker,
while one launched into a diatribe
about that time he tried to show
off to Miranda after getting a box
of magic tricks in the mail.
New hire, Sharon Rosa, suggested Lee was only trying to
connect.
This led to another co-worker
shouting: Then he should just
bring donuts in and shut his
mouth, instead of trying to get a
group paint ball outing together.
Idiot.

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 5

CU & The
Peoples Republic
SPEAKING OF BABY SHOWERS

COWBOY BOOTS AND

FLASK SALES SOAR
Boulder County business
officials said Thursday that
sales of cowboy boots and
flasks have seen a 900 percent increase over the past 10
minutes, since the Busted brief about the altercation
at a baby shower on Page 4
was released.
Local shoe manufacturer,
Made for Walken, reported
that it has begun packaging
flasks, boots and 36-packs of
Pampers Swaddlers as a bundle package, calling it the
Baby Shower Buster.
In preparation for wedding
season, Made for Walken is
exploring bridal party packages that combine dyed-to-match
sling-back heels and bras that
hold 1.5 liters of chardonnay.

DINING

MAN WINS TOP PRIZE

IN ROADKILL EVENT
Boulder County resident Jim
Hannah, 62, won the top prize
at the Second Annual Roadkill
Cook-Off Tuesday for his Five
Pounds of Possum recipe.
The event, held at the intersection of Highway 287 and
Arapahoe Road in Boulder
County, was a local color event
aiming to help residents create more sustainable meals by
utilizing creatures already
dead, said a coordinator.
Hanah said his receipt of
the award a smooshed
squirrel spray-painted gold
secured atop of an empty CD
holder with a hot glue gun
marks a turning point in his
life, as he broke out in song:
My children are hungry, my
dog needs a bone, Im out of a
job so Im just headin home,
an hour after sundown and
much to my delight, theres
five pounds of possum in my
headlights tonight!
COMING TOMORROW:
A new CU study reveals
that millennials more likely to
vote in primaries when offered
free marijuana and sandwiches.
Naropa students enraged
at No. 2 ranking for college
hippies, go on shower strike in
hopes to secure top spot

Gluten

from page 5
as long as the tortillas are
made with non-GMO corn.
Rockatanski said residents who remain in the
city can limit their gluten
exposure if they cover their
mouths and noses with a
piece of cloth, preferably
something organic and fairtrade, with a high thread
count and all-natural dyes.
Egyptian cotton is a
good bet, he said. Really,
you should try to use flax.
Its more sustainable.
Paul Roger Flack, a communications and community outreach media specialist for NoCo declined to
comment other than to say,
We appreciate the hard
work of our employees and
look forward to continuing
to serve the fine people of
Boulder.
Within an hour of the
explosion, a blockade of
burning tires stretched
across the Diagonal Highway in an effort by Longmont officials to keep fleeing Boulderites out of the
city.
Oh yeah, they arent
coming up here, said
Longmont Mayor Bert Bergelson. Its not because we
fear being contaminated.
We love gluten up here. We
just think its funny.
Police reported riots at
Whole Foods Wednesday
as residents were attempting to snatch up the
remaining gluten-free products on the shelves.
Employees at one location
reportedly set up cauldrons
of boiling vegetable barley
soup on the roof to douse
on the frenzied mob if
needed.
Im just here to get
some gluten-free ham
before they run out, Boulder resident Sally Smith. I
dont understand how this
could have happened. They
told us the gluten removal
factory was safe. They told
us it was safe.

1135 13th Street Boulder 720.645.2467

JUSt AnnoUnced

JUSt AnnoUnced

MAY 5 .............................................MAY dAZe feAt J. wAil

JUne 28 .................................................. BlitZen trApper
Sept 1...........................................................MAc deMArco

Apr 23 ...................................................... Meeker the epic

JUne 11 ...........................trUMp vS Bernie: the deBAte!
JUl 6 ............................. feMi kUti & the poSitive force
Sept 17.....................................................rAilroAd eArth

FRI APR 1 8:30 PM

officiAl AlBUM releASe pArtY

pigeonS plAYing
ping pong
AQUeoUS & BooSter
SAT APR 2 8:30 PM

oZric tentAcleS &

conSider the SoUrce
tkettle

MON APR 4 8:00 PM

colorAdo dAilY preSentS

SAn ferMin
eSM pAtterSon

SAT APR 2 7:30 PM

93.3 ktcl preSentS

the dAndY
wArholS
SerAtoneS

MON APR 4 7:00 PM

An evening with
Steve hAckett
perforMing geneSiS
clASSicS (1970 - 1977),
wolflight
THURS APR 7 8:00 PM
cvii live BAnd toUr

the hUndred preSentS

infected MUShrooM

SloAne peterSon & koMMon intereStS

MON APR 18 7:00 PM

FRI APR 8 8:30 PM

JohnnY clegg

TUES APR 5 8:30 PM

MiJA

MAnic focUS

lAte night rAdio & toY Box

SAT APR 9 8:30 PM

teMplo & kll SMth

dAilY cAMerA preSentS

JeSSe clegg

FRI APR 8 7:00 PM

97.3 kBco & BoUlder weeklY preSent

AnderS oSBorne

rAndoM rAB

SiSter SpArrow And the dirtY BirdS

TUES APR 12 8:00 PM

93.3 ktcl & weStword preSent

lApA & Moon frog

kgnU preSentS

Ben Miller BAnd

SpeciAl gUeSt drAgondeer

WED APR 13 8:00 PM

MON APR 11 6:30 PM

the front BottoMS

Brick + MortAr, diet cig & Sorrel
THURS APR 14 - SAT APR 16 7:30 PM
kgnU & BoUlder weeklY preSent

the pAMlico SoUnd

orgone

An evening with dArk

StAr orcheStrA

THUR APR 14 8:00 PM

BoUlder weeklY filM SerieS preSentS

dYnohUnter & evAnoff

the digitAl connection
FRI APR 15 8:30 PM

JAi wolf
Melvv & electric MAntiS
Apr 16...................................................................................SnAkehipS
Apr 19 ....................................................................................ShlohMo
Apr 20 ...................................................................fortUnAte YoUth
Apr 23...................................................... eliot lipp & freddY todd
Apr 29................................................................................ cAndYlAnd
Apr 30...............................................................John kAdlecik BAnd

WED APR 20 7:00 PM

dAZed & confUSed

Movie Screening

THUR APRIL 21 6:30 PM

kgnU preSentS

AMY goodMAn:

20 YeArS of deMocrAcY now

Apr 22..........................MicroBrewerieS for the environMent
Apr 27............................................................................grAhAM nASh
Apr 29.........richArd cheeSe & loUnge AgAinSt the MAchine
MAY 4 ........................................................... AnderSonpontY BAnd
MAY 7 ...................................................................... BoB MoUld BAnd
MAY 9 ..................................................................................... the wAifS

All ShowS All AgeS UnleSS otherwiSe noted - All ticketS Sold At Both Box office

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 7

THE

Mix

Beer
Brewery review

Craft nothing on tap

Now open in Boulder:
A brewery for people
who dont like beer

Music Notes

By Thresheets Tothawind
Friday Beer Correspondent
he Boulder craft beer scene
just landed some competition.
This competition, however, is
yet to be determined.
The Yelp reviews vary. Area
hop-haters are delighted, while
beer aficionados are a bit more
discerning.
Hop and Change, a new brewery and taphouse on 55th and
Arapahoe, states on its website
that its the nations first brewery for people who hate beer.
Upon entering Hop and
Change, the unexpected decor
hit me in the eye like a sharp,
stick-like thing: The 450-squarefoot space was decked out like
an Italian winery.
I asked the owner and primary brewer, Stout Dunkel, what
his thinking was behind the candle-lit room embellished with
trailing grapevines and a large
marble fountain with butt-bearing cherubs.
Dunkels reply mirrored the
establishments strange motto: A
brewery for people who dont
like beer.
There are so many breweries
in Colorado and everyones got
the tin walls covered in beer
pulls and stickers, said Dunkel.
Im sick of it. Shes sick of it,
he said, pointing to a apparently
confused-looking hostess. And
youre sick of it.
(No Im not.)
Hop and Change is about
deviating from preconceived
notions about breweries and
doing something... un po diverso, he said, attempting an Italian accent.
Strange or not, Dunkel is
clearly proud of his work. As he
boasted about the brewerys
offerings, he twirled his curly,

Obama bans EDM

President Barack Obama announced on Tuesday the
immediate ban of all electronic dance music.
I dont care what you call it, Obama said at a
White House press conference. I dont care what
category it falls under: deep house, tribal, techno,
trance, dubstep, liquid funk, techstep, neurofunk,
jump-up, luvstep, speed garage, thugstep, grime, trap,
moombahcore, breakbeat, chiptune, bitpop,
folktronica, livetronica, yourmomtronica...
As the president continued to list genres, reporters
rose from their seats, apparently moved by the
presidents inadvertent rap, to bust sweet dance
moves.
Obama cited that the music was destroying the
worlds eardrums. The first offense is a $100 fine.
And thanks, Obama. Seriously. Thanks, Obama.

Students irked at concert picks

Guess whos back? Back again?
Shadys back. Tell a friend.
CU officials announced Monday that Detroit rapper
Eminem, born as Marshall Mathers, will be opening
for Dead & Company at Folsom Field in July. This
summer, Folsom, home to Buffs football, will host its
first concert since a 2001 show by the Dave Matthews
Band, athletic officials announced in February.
Dead & Company, a band that features three of the
four surviving members of the Grateful Dead plus John
Mayer, will headline Folsom on July 2 and 3, with
Eminem opening the show.
Many students said they werent interested in
attending. A group of 100 students was polled: only 7
percent knew Eminem, none knew the Grateful Dead.
Who the fuck are these people? asked CU parks
major Draw Bridge, 21. This is our stadium. Our
schools team plays at Folsom.
Internet rumors are revealing that Eminem will drop
a new album this summer.
Who? A new what? said CU junior Princess Peach.
Whats an album? Like a picture album?

8 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

The Denver Post file

Theres a new brewery in Boulder and were all super confused about it.

white chest hair puffing out

from the top of his fine leather
vest, with which he donned without an undershirt.
I asked him how his beers
would make their mark on an
already saturated market.
People are suffering from
hop-exhaustion, no? he said, his
Italian accent growing thicker
with each word and his voice
raising to a shout. I think to
myself: Self, we must have new
direction. What would mama
like? Mama no like hops. It
tast-a lik-a weed-a, Mio Figlio!
she say to me.
As the lone two patrons
looked on, puzzled, he quietly
continued in his midwestern
accent.
Ahem. So, what weve done
here, he said, leading me to the
bar, is created a line of beers
that veer from the ordinary.
I pointed out that I hadnt seen
any carbonation in anyones
glasses.
Exactly. People are tired of
beer bloat, so we eliminated that
problem entirely.
So is everything on nitro, I
asked?

Nope! We skipped the carbonation process wholesale,

Dunkel said. Have a taste of our
flagship beer.
He handed me a dark red
drink in a wine glass.
Youll notice as you swirl it
around and dip your nose into it,
a strong, jammy scent with a
peppery finish.
I took a sip. It tasted like wine.
No, no, no. This is our saison.
Its a little tart. And its made
with grapes. We call it Chardonale.
I sipped on a few other tasters,
each a dark plum color, made
with grapes. I asked if he had
anything lighter.
He did. And it tasted like
straight vodka.
Wrong again, mio amico! he
said. This here is a extra clear
witbier, made from potatoes and
water. Its beer made with Gods
own tears.
Porter Craft, a local neighborhood beer enthusiast called the
establishment straight-up false
advertising.
There are already places to
drink things that arent beer,
said Craft. Theyre called bars.

Screen

In theaters
The week ahead
Boulder
Flicks and Stuff
5678 Prairie Dog Drive
This is Archaic: (PG13) Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
Buy a Smartphone:
(PG-13) Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
This is Archaic: (PG13) Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
Its 2016: (PG-13)
Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
This is Archaic: (PG13) Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
Give Up the Landline:
(PG-13) Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
This is Archaic: (PG13)Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
Thank You for Calling
Moviephone: (PG-13)
Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
This is Archaic: (PG13) Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
Ask Siri: (PG-13)
Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
This is Archaic: (PG13) Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
Hows 1999?: (PG-13)
Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.
This is Archaic: (PG13) Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush

your teeth.
Youve Got Mail: (PG13)Check your
smartphone. Put your
pants on. Check your
smartphone. Brush
your teeth.

Films R Us
1212 Clint Eastwood
Lane
This is Archaic: (NC17) Check your
smartphone. Weeee!
Check your
smartphone. Weeee!
Lets Go Buy a CD:
(NC-17) Check your
smartphone. Weeee!
Check your
smartphone. Weeee!
This is Archaic: (NC17) Check your
smartphone. Weeee!
Check your
smartphone. Weeee!

Artsy Fartsy
Flicks
5555 Pee Wee
Herman Blvd.
NSync it Like its
Hot: (R) Check your
smartphone. Do the
Hokey Pokey. Check
your smartphone.
Check your pants.
This is Archaic: (G)
Check your
smartphone. Do the
Hokey Pokey. Check
your smartphone.
Check your pants.
Mmm. Newsprint: (R)
Check your
smartphone. Do the
Hokey Pokey. Check
your smartphone.
Check your pants.

Seen on Screen
5150 JarJar Blvd.
This is Archaic: (NC17) Check your
smartphone. Wipe
your butt. Check your
smartphone. Eat
some froyo.
Youre archaic:(NC17) Check your
smartphone. Wipe
your butt. Check your
smartphone. Eat
some froyo.
Your mom is
archaic:(NC-17)
Check your
smartphone. Wipe
your butt. Check your
smartphone. Eat
some froyo.
Fax me some
whiskey:(NC-17)
Check your
smartphone. Wipe
your butt. Check your
smartphone. Eat
some froyo.
Alexa probably
knows:(NC-17) Check
your smartphone.
Wipe your butt.

Commercial review

Schwartzman, Baldwin kill it

Amazon Echo
commercial
is an advertisement
for the ages
By Philm Krittick
Staff Writer
ring it, says film
actor Jason
Schwartzman, quipped
with a red ping-pong paddle and a competitive
scowl.
Alec Baldwin magically
shoots a ping-pong ball
across the table to a puzzled Schwartzman (How
did you do that? You didnt
even move your hands, he
asks.)
Its all in the wrist,
Schwartzy, Baldwin says.
Thus begins the 30-second commercial advertisement for Amazon Echo, the
hands-free smartspeaker
controlled by voice. First
glance of the commercial
had this critic in tears. A
punchy spot packed full of
life, spontaneity, laughs
and friendly competition; it
embodies everything a
viewer wants in a TV commercial.
Alexa what time is

Courtesy / YouTube
Jason Schwartzman, left, and Alex Baldwin are pictured in a scene from an Amazon Echo commercial.

it? Baldwin asks the slim

speaker sitting atop a Victorian pillar, ignoring
Schwartzmans attempt at a
rematch.
After the pair heads to
Baldwins motorbike, Baldwin takes the handlebar
drivers seat and Schwartzman hops on behind him,
gripping Baldwins waist.
Get in the sidecar,
Jason, Baldwin quips. The
two head off to Baldwins
table reading in downtown Los Angeles.

In the end, its all about

friendship. Brothers.
666666
Camaraderie. Brobots.
Cast: Jason
Edgar Allen Bros. BronaSchwartzman, Alex
fide bromosexuals. Bro
Baldwin
Back Mountain.
Director: Jack Donaghy
Its brotiful.
Running time: 30
Youll laugh. Youll cry.
seconds
Youll shit yourself. But you
shouldnt have eaten four
Rated: PG for some
Taco Bell chili cheese bursuggestive material
ritos, so thats on you.
Now only if you had the
This critic awards this
option to not skip ads,
commercial six stars out of
youd know what the hell
four.
Im talking about.

Now Playing

Another One Bites

the Dust
Lindsay Lohan stars in this sequel to
One Bites the Dust, portraying a damsel
in distress who is emotionally battered by
a group of Juggalos and Juggalettes. With
Amanda Bynes and that one kid from
Terminator. Written by One of Kevin
Smiths Hockey Jerseys. (PG-13, 2:31)

Floyd the Llama

Ridiculous movie title

A look at the life, relationships and

work of controversial llama, Floyd,
whose main objective in life is to roll
around and smash the shit out of farmers crops. Floyd is voiced by Bill Murray.
Written by Nick Noltes DUI. Directed by
Zack Snyders middle finger. (R, 1:23)

The Curious Case of Yesterdays

Saga with The Mans Briefcase and other
Musings and Such looks at investment
banker Ebeneezer Toddys (played by Mel
Gibson) personal relationship with the
fake leather on his briefcase (voiced by
Scooby Doo). Written by Some Punk Ass
Bitch. Directed by Catholic Guilt.

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 9

Get Social

Submit photos of your friends: editor@coloradodaily.com and see them published in Get Social

Photos by Emma Pion-Berlin, edits by Stephanie Swartz/ Colorado Daily

Top left Grayson Fathatcher, Will Farwell, Emma Safari and Greg Baker
hangout and enjoy the beautiful Boulder sunshine on top of their roof.
Top right Soo Kwon works on an assignment in the Atmosphere and
Weather study group.
Above Nathan Stephen, Kate Berrigan and Darby King study business
at the Laughing Goat in Norlin Library.
Left John Haefeli and Hannah Mauro share many laughs while enjoying
their delicious pizza for lunch by the Norlin fountain.
Center left Jessa Wright, Rachel Amoroso, Megan Ives and Briana
Johnson volunteer for the Conference on World Affairs event that starts
Monday.

10 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

Submit photos of your friends: editor@coloradodaily.com and see them published in Get Social

Get Social

Photos by Emma Pion-Berlin, edits by Stephanie Swartz / Colorado Daily

Top left Members from the Community Health team put out job
applications for students to apply for positions in health and equity.
Top Colin Zohoori glazes the salt holder he is working on for an art
project in the Visual Arts Complex.
Above Molly Berger is in the process of making a shield out of terracotta clay for Kim Dickey, a professor at University of Colorado.
Left Joe Meyer, Daniel Meltz, Emma Marion and Dinorah AvendanoCuriel help get students registered to vote in the UMC.

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 11

Quick Music Hits

ENTERTAINMENT BRIEFS

happy hour:

HIPPIE DOCUMENTARY HITS A SNAG

Monday-Friday 2pm-4pm
(dine in only)
half price appetizer
half price large sake
$2.50 singha
$3 House Wine
$3 Mimosa

Seafood Tom Yum

Noodle Soup

~ 407
calories

Global Affairs

From a Spiritual Perspective

Wednesday April 6th
Humanities 150
(CU campus)
6 8 pm

Boulders oldest
living hippie was
recently interviewed
for a documentary
film tentatively entitled, All We are Saying, focusing on the
roots of hippie culture.
The filmmakers
quickly discovered
Solarnoon Fly, 106,
remembers nothing.
About anything.
When pressed on
how his experiences
relate to todays political climate, Fly stated, Theres no way
to know what youre
asking me, man. Yesterdays just a memory; tomorrows never
what its supposed to
be.
After three grueling
days of interviews
Karl Gehring / The Denver Post
filled with zero perHippie "Grandpa Woodstock" from the Rainbow
sonal reflection, no
local history, several Family is pictured here in 2006. Boulders
acid flashbacks and Solarnoon Fly, 106, is the subject of a local
documentary. Fly was once a member of the
several impromptu
Rainbow Family.
bongo recitals, the
filmmakers said they
considered scrapping the project. Fly did, however, enlighten the
filmmakers with a new theory that JFK was killed by natural causes.
Curious, and clearly desperate, the filmmakers pressed Fly to
explain, to which he responded, No one is free; even the birds are
chained to the sky, man. Thats all I got.
As of press time, the filmmakers were busy clearing out the Pearl
Street Pubs whiskey inventory.

SUCK ON THIS, GUYS

Presented by:

World traveling monk, author and teacher

Devamrita Swami
,(%'!) &$"% !+*#

Theres a new trend in Boulder called People Salt.

When local entrepreneur, Whitney Meeks, realized her dog didnt
lick her arms and face out of affection, but rather for the salt on her
skin, she said she was inspired to begin harvesting salt from
humans to sell.
Why Not? Meeks said of her business goals. The consumers
of Boulder are among the earliest adopters of trends, and incredibly supportive of fleeting popularity. I can cash in on that. Perhaps
when Im rich, my dog will lick my face out of affection. Too little too
late, Ill tell her, while dropping her off at the local animal shelter.
Visit her tap room, The Salty Sea Bass, on East Pearl Extension,
or find her products where Rowdy Mermaid Kombucha is sold.

#((+*'" .-( $)*&*.%,/ -%'"(&

COMING TOMORROW
ALFRED PACKER AND SMOKE ER: Recreational cannabis
store opens in the UMC; CU says food sales skyrocket
GET OFF MY TURF: Bacchus (the Roman god of intoxication)
exhibit lands at BMoCA, angers town drunk
CHICKEN LITTLE TOO LATE: Local man incites riot at sustainable Food Truck Fair for not curbing and leashing his pet chicken
READ DIRECTIONS: Boulder woman arrested for attacking
her neighbor after he allegedly tossed his recycling away inside a
plastic bag

12 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

Mix
Ice Cubes Good Day survey

Was today
a good day?
By Snoop Liger
Staff Writer
f you mark all nos and all yeses, you had a good day.

No

Yes

Barking from the dog

Smog
Breakfast with hog
Got your grub on, but did
you pig out?
Any jackers in sight
Static from cowards
Helicopters looking for a
murder
A.K. use?
Think you will live another
twenty-fo?
Blasted by fools?
Pulled out the jammy, and
killed the punanny

Call from a girl

Drop the drop tops ass?
Beep from Kim
Homies playin basketball?
Got a triple-double
Ran the intersection
Police roll right past you
Shake em up, shake em
up, shake em up, shake em
Seven, 7-Eleven, 7-Eleven
Girl has the chronic
2 a.m. Fatburger
Goodyear Blimp lights
Yell, domino

IS NOW OPEN
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OUR
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upons in the Rooster Magazine for even cheaper pricing - 20% Off concentrates, $50 quarters for Rec, and $25/g of concentrates.

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 13

Mix
Everything is awesome

Beer and bunnies

Paper vows to only report fluff news
after local journalist commits seppuku
By Lamont Hader
Staff Writer
rookie journalist committed seppuku, the Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment, Saturday night after
pressure from local citizens following a series of articles they
said portrayed the town in a negative light.
The reporter, who shall remain unnamed so as not to glorify self sacrifice, had been facing increasingly violent calls for
action from citizens who were outraged by three pieces
about fraud and waste in two departments of city government and one local nonprofit that cost taxpayers millions of
dollars.
This is but another example of the newspapers plan to
make our town look bad by publicizing the negative things
that happen here, said resident and malcontent Juan Arroz.
In the several weeks it took this reporter to research, fact
check and interview sources, at least one restaurant has
announced plans to open, two businesses have started
remodeling and a brewery has put out a limited-edition beer.
Where was the coverage on those things?
Calls for the reporters resignation began Saturday when
the first of the articles was published. By Sunday, angry
crowds of Tweeters and Redditors began posting her personal information online.
Tensions came to a head on Tuesday when she was
dragged from her home and two protesters cut her hair in a
shaming ritual from the middle ages. They also shaved her
husbands beard and both the couples dogs.
Still, their bloodlust could not be satiated. Homeless, jobless and hairless, on Friday she finally released a statement
through the press.
I am deeply shamed by what I have done, she said
before a chanting mob of thousands at Folsom Field. When
I took this post a few months ago, it was under the assumption that the people of Boulder County wanted a reporter
who would hold
accountable those
who spend their tax
dollars. But in this
time of deep national discord, what we
should be doing is
trying to keep people as happy and
positive as possible.
After stabbing
herself 45 times in
the abdomen, she
had one last piece
of advice for her
former colleagues.
Give the people
what they want,
she gasped with
her last breath.
John McCoy / Associated Press
Weather photos
The people want bunnies, well well give them
and restaurant
their damn bunnies. Meet Mr. Hoppy and
openings.
Santana, the first addition to what will soon

DISCUSS IN

Andrew Chapman
UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO

A FREE EVENT!
For More Info: www.veritas.org/colorado
CONTACT: corey.priebe@cru.org

Student Government
UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO BOULDER

To request ASL interpretation or other accomodations, please

contact CEB at speakers.coordinator.ceb@gmail.com, or visit us
at UMC 319 at least 5 business days before event.

*CHRISTIAN CHALLENGE, NAVIGATORS, CRU, ACADEMIC CONNECTIONS, CAMPUS AMBASSADORS,

INTERVARSITY, AND STUDENT MOBILIZATION

become a weekly all-animal paper.

14 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

Dont believe everything you read on the Internet.

Rant & Rave

President Abraham Lincoln.

Pope Francis

Candorville

By Darrin Bell

Pope mingles
with hipsters
Finding the pursuit
of peace among
setbacks and the
temptation
of activewear
By Sister Mary
Modestmouse
For the Colorado Daily
t is not the healthy who
need a doctor. Mark
2:17

Pope Francis continued

his campaign of walking in
the footsteps of Jesus by
reaching out to the vilified
and profane sectors of society when he met with a
group of hipsters Thursday
in Boulder.
In a display of his trademark humility, Francis
blessed the bearded,
bespectacled group that
gathered in front of the
courthouse on Pearl Street.
Blessed are those who
are cast aside, for they will
find belonging, Francis
intoned to a crowd restlessly fiddling with their rose
gold iPhones and sipping
artisanal coffee creations.
Blessed are the thrift store
shoppers, for they shall
inherit the fashions of generations past. Blessed are
the gluten-free bandwagon
hoppers, for they shall pave
an easier way for true Celiacs.
This is the spirit of inclusiveness the savior encouraged when he broke bread
with prostitutes, thieves and
tax collectors.
But reaching out is not
easy. It is an effort, a battle
against the cold winds of
our increasingly secular

world. Every day, we must

choose compassion, as
Francis did today when he
knelt to wash the feet of a
young mustachioed man
wearing a checkered scarf
and bicycle pants.

Guest comic by Deanna Hardies

And when we walk the

righteous path, we must be
prepared to endure the
slingshots of our detractors.
Such as when the very hipsters we are reaching out to
criticize the vintage of our
sacrament wine. Or when
womens rights advocates
fling specious accusations
that the church is obsolete
and out of touch with the
modern world because it
continues to view the
shameful practice of wearing yoga pants, jeggings or
patterned tights as a sin.
And some will make the
mistake of assuming that
the pope plays favorites
because he bestowed the
generosity of his time upon
a crowd of heavily pierced
and tattooed arts majors,
instead of a more deserving
group. But the pope must
reach out to those who need
shepherding most. And
although his time may be
limited, his love and grace
are infinite and available for
all to share in.
It is every Christians
challenge to pursue peace
in the face of setbacks and
the temptation of
activewear. But persevere,
and the blessings of heaven
shall rain down upon you.
As when the Pearl Street
crowd, filled with the Holy
Spirit, praised the Lord and
the popes impeccable taste
in clothes and automobiles.

Point/Counterpoint
By Fartz and Fratz
Staff Writers

oint: We should eat our

roommates pizza bites
for breakfast.
We should eat Saras pizza
bites for breakfast, brah.
Shes at her boyfriends
house. She probably wont
come back till after class on
Monday. Im hungry. My
head hurts. Got a MAD
hangover. We can say that

one dude, Devon, ate them.

But then WE will be the ones
who ate them. Get it? I need
tiny za in my maw, stat. Try
and argue against that logic,
brah.

Submitting
Letters
Contact: Christy Fantz,
editor
Frequency, space allowed:
One per week, keep under
400 words. Entries will be
edited for length and
content.

Counterpoint: Lets also

drink her Gatorade

Include: Name, address

and verifiable phone
number

Lets also drink her Gatorade.

Format: Email only:

letters@colorado
daily.com

Editors Note: Clearly the folks

here dont understand what
counterpoint means.

Submissions become
property of Colorado daily.

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 15

Timewasters
Monty

By Jim Meddick

The Knight Life

By Keith Knight

Bizarro

By Dan Piraro

FRIDAY NIGHT

BING

S
Lder
Bou t for
BeS eArS!
40 y

Light
DAY: $4 Bud/Bud
Monster Mug
Avery
and
$2.5 Beam
$3 Bud
Smirnoff
pints $4 pints

WESTON SMITH
2922 Baseline Rd Boulder 303.442.8162
www.darkhorsebar.com
16 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

Nonsequitur

By Wiley

Speed Bump

By Dave Coverly

Timewasters
Pearls before Swine

By Stephan Pastis

Local Fresh Original Delicious

BeSt
Diner

On this day

BeSt
BreAkFASt

By the Associated Press

Todays highlight:
On April 1, 1976, Apple Computer was founded by Steve
Jobs, Steve Wozniak and Ronald
Wayne. The federally created
Consolidated Rail Corporation
(Conrail for short) began operations in the northeastern U.S. (it
was taken over in 1999 by CSX
and Norfolk Southern).

Monday Friday 6:00 a.m. 3:00 p.m.

Saturday & Sunday 7:00 a.m. 3:00 p.m.

2400 Arapahoe

(corner of Arapahoe & Folsom)

303 449 5733

Dougsdaydiner.com

On this date:

DougsDayDinerBoulder

Thank You
We appreciate all
your votes!

4-1-16

Each row and each column must

contain the numbers 1 through 4
(easy) or 1 through 6 (challenging)
without repeating.

The numbers within the heavily

outlined boxes, called cages, must

combine using the given operation
(in any order) to produce the target
numbers in the top-left corners.

Freebies: Fill in single-box cages with

the number in the top-left corner.

KenKen is a registered trademark of

Nextoy, LLC. 2016 KenKen Puzzle
LLC. All rights reserved. Dist. by Universal
Uclick for UFS. www.kenken.com

In 1789, the U.S. House of

Representatives held its first full
meeting in New York; Frederick
Muhlenberg of Pennsylvania was
elected the first House speaker.
In 1891, the Wrigley Co. was
founded in Chicago by William
Wrigley Jr. (Although the business initially sold soap and baking powder, it became known for
its chewing gum.)
In 1924, Adolf Hitler was sentenced to five years in prison for
his role in the Beer Hall Putsch
in Munich. (Hitler was released
in December 1924; during his
time behind bars, he wrote his
autobiographical screed, Mein
Kampf.)
In 1933, Nazi Germany staged
a daylong national boycott of
Jewish-owned businesses.
In 1945, American forces
launched the amphibious invasion of Okinawa during World
War II. (U.S. forces succeeded in
capturing the Japanese island
on June 22.)
In 1954, the United States Air
Force Academy was established
by President Dwight D. Eisenhower.
In 1970, President Richard M.
Nixon signed a measure banning cigarette advertising on
radio and television, to take
effect after Jan. 1, 1971.

2828 30th St.

at the corner
of 30th and Bluff

Open
7 Days a Week

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 17

Timewasters

Mix
War from page 4
rendered to the city for use
as permanent shelter for the
homeless.
The use of electricity
derived from fossil fuels has
also been prohibited, as the
solar-panel covered dome
will provide more than
enough juice to maintain normal operations within the
city, provided that all residents commit to one power
down hour per day. Refreshments, yoga mats and singing bowls will be provided to
facilitate the regular blackouts, and people will be
encouraged to be mindfully
idle during that time.

Sudoku | Easy
Longmont forces did not
respond to requests for comment, but email records
show that massive orders
have been placed with Blue
Cactus labs in New Mexico,
a breeding operation for prairie dogs.
One soldier, speaking on
condition of anonymity, said
the plan was to introduce
them to every part of the
city, thereby rendering
future construction impossible. The soldier said this was
in accordance with Boulders
strict laws against causing
stress and anxiety to these
majestic creatures of the
western plains.

Sudoku | Hard

F Minus

By Tony Carrillo

Brewster Rockit: Space Guy!

By Tim Rickard

Brevity

By Guy & Rodd

18 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

Sudoku 2

Sudoku
puzzle
solutions

Sudoku 1

rs

Timewasters
Horoscope
Todays Birthday (04/01/16).
Explore this year. Your deadbeat work
may pay off (after 5/9). But who knows,
you really blew it. The Virgo eclipse
(9/1) sparks passion into your loins
and weakness into your bladder. Buy
some adult diapers, the next few days
are going to be rough.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Forgive miscommunications with your turtle.
Friends are a big help with your yeast
infection. Love gives you power, especially with hamburgers.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) Expect
more responsibility over the next few
days. Career opportunities show up:
Stripping, gambling, bathhousing and
such. Dont speculate or jerk it. Just for
today, calm down.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Dont rely
on an unstable drug dealer. The next
two days are good for quelling your
hemorrhoids and investigate new pornography. Act on a slutty impulse.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Work
together to tackle video game goals
today. Discover new refried beans at
the grocery store. Paste new beans all
over roommates pillow.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Take on a new
task today, like doing your fucking job for
once. Listen to reason. Then bitchlsap
the hell out of reason and get drunk.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Get creative
at work by bringing in laxative-filled
brownies. Roll around in the grass and
shave your junk. Beautify the package.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Practice what
your mother preaches: take a hotdog,
stuff it with some jack cheese and roll it
in a pizza. Hide your best friends keys in
a pile of dog shit.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Tell your
home and family life to go fuck itself as
you go get hammered at the bar. Clear
clutter, buy more pink bunny Peeps and
see how many you can shove in your
mouth.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Drink a
ton of coffee and eat a bunch of asparagus and see how disgusting your urine
smells. Research and investigate the
data. You can do better.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Your
morale gets a boost when the mailperson told you your camel toe looked
good in those pants. Play fetch with
your neighbors cowboy hat.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Personal
matters dont mean shit. Grab your
ankles, bend over and take it up the
tailpipe. Anticipate disagreement.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Listen to
your butthole today and tomorrow.
When it rumbles like the wolf, bring a
cooler packed with beer to the toilet
and park it for hours. Bring a magazine
and fresh granny panties.

Bliss

By Harry Bliss

L.A. Times Crossword

Los Angeles Times Daily Crossword Puzzle
Edited by Rich Norris and Joyce Nichols Lewis
ACROSS
1 Ptisserie cake
7 Sold for, as a
stock
15 Derby racers
16 Taps, essentially
17 Reprimand to one
not picking up
19 Pound denizen
20 Biblical birthright
seller
21 Oldest of the
gods, in Platos
Symposium
22 Rail transport
landmark
26 At a minimum
27 Swimmers option
32 Invite
35 Game winner
36 Lunch order
39 Minuteman, e.g.
42 Smoke and mirrors
43 The Soul of a
Butterfly
memoirist
44 Essen article
45 Concluded, with
up
46 First 12 ch ldren of
Gaia and Uranus
49 How surprising!
54 Light, colorwise
58 Chanel No. 1?
59 Columnist Barrett
60 Sir Edward Elgar
composition
whose title has
never been solved
... and a hint to this
puzzles circles
65 Exercises
displaying great
strength
66 Conventioneer
with antennae,
perhaps
67 Don t budge!
68 Honor Thy
Father author

8 Journalist son of
Mia Farrow
9 Debate
10 Some evidence
11 Carlisle Cullens
wife in the
Twilight series
12 Evil follower?
13 And
14 Word with coin or
ring
15 Places to clean
and press
18 Powder room
containers
23 Tied up
24 Online finance
company
25 Hard-to-miss
signs
27 Trig function
28 Hosp. personnel
29 Like much of
Australias interior
30 Noah of The
Librarian TV
films
31 Look wrong?
32 Reichenbach
Falls setting
33 Teed off
34 I __ it!
37 Stradivaris tutor
38 Lombardys
capital
40 Co. merged into
Verizon

DOWN
1 Exit
2 Intense
3 Design for some
MacDonalds
4 Poetic previous
to
5 Its slot always
pays
6 Winner of all
three tug-of-war
medals in the
1904 Olympics:
Abbr.
7 Formal phone call
By Jeffrey Wechsler
response

41 Start ones law

practice
47 Composer
Stravinsky
48 Hit
49 Caesarean
section?
50 Mayflower figure
51 Errant golf shots
52 Musical with jr.
and KIDS
versions for
young
performers

53 Shock, in a way
54 Church lineups
55 Gross subj.?
56 Capital of
Turkey
57 Like French
toast
61 __-jongg
62 Addams family
member
63 Altar
constellation
64 Part of 40-Down:
Abbr.

ANSWER TO PUZZLE:

NEw LOcatiON
303.402.0122
3070 28th St. Suite D
Boulder, CO 80301
thedrumshopboulder.com
xwordeditor@aol.com

2016 Tribune Content Agency, LLC

OP

EN

da
ys
a

we

ek

04/01/16

04/01/16

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 19

Extra Points
THERES MLB IN COLORADO?

ROCKIES FIRE
THE MONFORTS
Officials said Monday that primary owners of the Colorado
Rockies Major League Baseball
team, brothers Charlie and Dick
Monfort, have been removed from
their posts in the organization.
The brothers, known for pumping cash into ballpark amenities
rather than team needs, were
ousted by a bunch of men wearing
George Washington wigs.
An official said the Monforts
are currently in talks with Nuggets big wigs to soon acquire
Denvers NBA team. The official
spoke on condition of anonymity
because this person was not
authorized to discuss the situation publicly.
Although the official did reveal
that when the Monforts have
their grubby hands on the Pepsi
Center, their main goal is to build
a hybrid roller coaster, aquarium,
exotic wildlife rooftop bar where
patrons can not give a fuck
about the team, but at least have
a weird time.
The official said the price of
8-ounce beers will be raised to
$23 each in order to accommodate the upgrade.
Dick Monfort recited a profanity-laced rant on his YouTube channel, saying, Oh well. At least Ill
be juggling with bigger balls.

WE KNOW THE AVS, RIGHT?

FROM DREAM TEAM

TO SCREAM QUEENS
We all thought it was the
year(s): The return of Patrick Roy
(Waaaaaaah?), repositioning Hall
of Famer Joe Sakic to management, Landeskog, other hockey
guys names, etcetera, decided to
scrap the playoffs this year to
focus on a guest-starring bit on
Foxs hit comedy, Scream
Queens.
The team will star in three fall
episodes, all of them portraying
hockey-playing frat boys.
Ive always wanted a chance
to be on TV, said Goalie Polie.
Youre always on TV, idiot,
said Polies hockey stick.
Oh yeah. Hehe.

Sweat
Boulder City Council

Ralphie: This is bullshit

Prairie dog named
Boulder mascot;
Ralphie tells the Daily
she quits at shit
By Wondra Brah
Staff Writer
oulder officials introduced the new city
mascot at a press conference at the Hotel Julienne in
Boulder on Thursday.
(You buried the lead.)
Top prize went to the prairie dog.
Boulder Mayor Tom
Ground Control said that
after the citizen vote, it was
unanimous.
Look, Im for the people,
Ground Control said to a
crowd of a couple hundred
people on the banks of the
Boulder Creek by the Boulder Public Library. The voters want the prairie dog,
well then the mascot is a
prairie dog.
Cheers erupted downtown.
Meanwhile over at Folsom Field there was a layer
of dust settling over
groomed grass (overgroomed grass?).
CU coaches said,
although they didnt vote at
the official polling center at
eCitys Albums on the Grill
last week, that they were
unhappy with the results.
As I quote, directly from
Wikipedia, coach Sporty
Spice said, reading from his
iPad, Ralphie the Buffalo
is the name of the live mascot of the University of Colorado Buffaloes. Ralphie
has been called one of the
best live mascots in sports,
and she is often erroneously
labeled male.
Good talk.
This is outrageous, said
former Buff and three-time
NFL Pro Bowler Hol E.

26 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY

Jeremy Papasso / Staff Photographer

CU mascot Ralphie runs with her handlers at the start of the Rocky Mountain Showdown against CSU at
Sports Authority Field at Mile High in Denver last year. Ralphie is mad pissed that she wasnt named the
mascot of Boulder.

Golitelee Ralphie has to

charge that football stadium
four times a day at practice.
You know, to keep in shape.
Those prairie dogs just bark
and run in front of my car.
And we all know its not
safe on Boulder roads.
Theyre just a bunch of
morons.
CUs costumed buffalo
Chip wouldnt return calls
for comment Thursday.
Over by Insert Open
Space Land Here, the prairie dogs were barking like
champions.
Finally, said Buck Harold-Tooth, president of Prairie City Council. Oneeighth of our population
goes missing each season
while chasing shiny lights
across Foothills Parkway.
Its about time we got some
props.
Harold-Tooth said the
prairie community is sick of
getting gassed out of your
GD (sic) precious open

space, saying that Ralphie

is a pampered princess and
she can shove it.
Organizers said the
awards ceremony is on
April 20 at 4 p.m. at the
Community Compost Meatball Co-op. The event is free
and open to the public.
Rodent Harold-Tooth will be
accepting the honor.
Ralphie said in a phone
interview Friday that she
was in despair. Ralphie
said she has petitioned
Boulders council to have a
re-count of votes.
This is bullshit. I mean,
whats left to do? Ralphie
said. I quit at shit.
Local mindologist Lovenlight said the Boulder bison
is undergoing therapy, so
the community should take
Ralphies comments and
tweets lightly.
By the way, assholes, Im
a girl, Ralphie said.
Unsubstantiated rumors
indicate that the local rac-

coon population plans to

steal the award as soon as
its delivered to HaroldTooth. Law enforcement
said they will pan out in
force around prairie burrows just so theres a police
presence in case the shit
goes down, officer Tuff Gie
said.
Those raccoons can get
all stabby with their big
claws, Gie said. It is now
our job to serve and protect
the city mascot.
Earlier in the day, eyewitnesses reported seeing the
bear population lying
around and grumbling in
the distance. Bear No. 122
was caught on camera ripping a door off of a nearby
car and dragging it into the
woods.
Boulders mayor didnt
return calls for comment by
press time.
Im going to go poop in
the house, Ralphie said.
This blows.

Sweat
Buffs football

DENVER HAS AN NBA TEAM?

Mac creates butt fumble play

special teams play called the
Butt Fumble.
In 2012, when Sanchez
By Sports Sportyson
played for the New York
Staff Writer
Jets, he is widely known for
that famed second-quarter
niversity of Colorado
fumble where he ran into
head football coach
Mike MacIntyre told media the ass of his own lineman.
Thursday that in a nod to
No word on what kind of
the Denver Broncos snagass shenanigans are on tap
ging Mark Sanchez from
for the Buffs, but Mac said
the Philadelphia Eagles for
to keep an eye out for what
Screen grab
the quarterback position, he he said will be an absolute
Broncos Mark Sanchez had a hell of the time with the media in 2012
has been working on a new must-see.
when he ran into his own linemans ass and fumbled the ball.

Buffs gearing up for

annual spring game

Bracketology

Mulch Madness takes off in Boulder

By Heywood Jablomi
Guest Columnist
elcome to the most
exciting time of the
gardening season!
Below is the official
NGMA Mulch Madness
lineup, and we know all of

Cypress Brown

Red Mulch

Cocoa Brown

Black Mulch

Gold Mulch

Compost

Pumice Rock Mulch

Straw Mulch

Extra Points

you are skipping work meetings and taking long lunches to hit McGuckins and
check the scores.
All plant-based mulches
advanced to the Dirty Dozen but only four will survive
the weekend.

After the weekend, the

teams that make it through
will join the Finished Foursome group. The two winners from the Finished
Foursome will match up in
the championship game.
With three rounds of

games to go, the mulch

world will converge on a
local womans back patio to
see which mulch can survive the dog urine.
Dont forget to hit the
Boss Button should the
head honcho arrive!
Pro Euc

Pine Bark

Very Small Rocks

Maryland Terrapins

Syracuse Orange

Rubber

Newspaper

Sawdust

NUGGETS DROP TO 9-64

The Nuggets front office Thursday announced that head coach
Michael Malone was fired after
the Nuggets (9-64) lost to the
Charlotte Bobcats (11-59) in a
low-scoring 13-67, putting them
in last place in the division. The
team will fill the position with a
rotating base of middle-school
basketball coaches.
Ann Walton Kroenke, heiress to
the Walmart fortune and part
owner of the team along with her
husband , said at a press conference that this Ring Around the
Coaches is a new approach the
organization is taking to not only
help boost team morale and offer
a player-minded coaching system,
but it will also help juice up lowly P.E. teachers resumes.age.
Kroenke also noted that as she
is stepping down from her post
and handing over ownership to
the Monforts, but she will only be
one Blue Light Special away from
us at all times.
Oh wait. Thats Kmart, she
said. Look, I have people to
underpay and overwork.
Always Low Prices, Always.

BUFFS SPORTS

PEYTON MANNING
TAKES HELM OF CU
FLAG FOOTBALL TEAM
When Peyton Manning retired
from a long 18-year career in football this year, he said he knew it
wouldnt be long before he got
back into the sport one way or
another.
Lucky for the Buffs, Manning
was hired by CUs sports department on Friday as head coach of
the club sports flag football team.
Its like when I came to Denver, Manning said at a press conference in Boulder Friday. I like a
challenge. I think this is the perfect opportunity for me to hone
my coaching skills, push my work
ethic and beef up my resume. Im
so excited to dive in with the
Buffs.
When asked head football
coach Mike MacIntyre if he was
nervous of any encroachment on
his job, Mac said hed take down
that dirty Tennessee Vol if he
tried to take his job.

COLORADO DAILY APRIL 1, 2016 27

Conference on
WORLD AFFAIRS
Join us April 48, 2016

100 speakers from around the world with sessions

on the arts, science, business and much more

Free and open to the public

colorado.edu/cwa

28 APRIL 1, 2016 COLORADO DAILY