The Rival at UMD is a satirical publication serving UMD students, college students, and the world at large

in order to prompt a more self-aware society. Along with poking fun at campus news and national stories, we
serve as a satirical response to The Odyssey Online, Elite Daily, and other millennial-centered news outlets.

>>>FALL 2016 ISSUE

pg.2 The Rival Network

- A Message from The Rival COO

pg. 3 MARYLAND PRIDE

- Melo Eats Yellow Jell-O

- UMD Student Finds Solace in that High
School Classmates Still Pursuing Rap Careers
pg. 4 An Open Letter to My Future Husband
A Message from our Director of Content

- Interested in Writing for The Rival?

BY THE NUMBERS
75,000 -> first month page views
24 -> active writers
7 -> numbers of days in the week
-$300 -> revenue so far
3.8 -> sum of two of our writers GPAs
1 -> shot do not miss your chance to blow

FEARLESS HEADLINES

Student Lives at The Enclave

I Went on the Gold Bus. Hear My Story.
7 Businesses We Should Totally Start, Man
Quiz: Shit, Can You Identify These White Powders?
Syrian Refugee Crisis as Explained by Friends GIFs
Vince Wilfork Enters Offseason with Bag of Chips on Shoulder
Man Clumsily Applies Sports Analogy to Floundering Love Live
BREAKING: Baltimore Room Piano Collects Yet Another Dust Particle
Student Taking 19 Credits Stumps Physicists with Ability to Control Time
Area Student Discovers Passion for Kinesiology after Flunking Organic Chemistry

The 15 Things People at UMD Say Way Too Often

By Jason Siegel
Marylanders are a unique breed
of people, complete with our own
customs, traditions, and even
language! Regardless of whether
youre a native Marylander or an
out-of-stater, a graduate student or
a wee freshmanif youre a Terp,
theres no doubt youve heard (and
said) these common UMD phrases
a few too many times!

Whos your daddy? Maybe Melo Trimble? Original photo by Jamie Squire.

1. One shot of Old Bay, please!

2. Bing Bong
3. I am a student at the University of Maryland in College Park, Maryland,
20740 go Terps!
4. It was slam dunk
5. *High-pitched shrieking*
6. Im allowed to skip class because President Wallace Loh is my father.
7. Im allowed to skip class because Melo Trimble is my father.
8. I am the living embodiment of Christ almighty.
9. I ride an army of Chesapeake blue crabs to class every day.
10. Can we stop by Testudo on the way to our test? I want to drop off my
offering of a small mammal.
11. I was the one who set Testudo on fire in 2013.
12. Im going to do it again.
13. On December 13, 2016, Testudo will once again light up the night sky.
14. When my parents went here, Cornerstone was called, The Vous.
15. No one can stop me.

The Rival at UMD is entirely satirical and is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.

Meet the Network

Photo courtesy of Josh Strupp

Josh Strupp

I started The Rival in 2014 to allow students to speak in an

authentic manner about subjects that they actually cared about. While
other publications covered the club hockey team, we opened
conversations about mental health and race on campus, for
example. And we would do it in a conversational and relatable way
that engaged students like never before.
Satirical news has a way of exposing truths about a
number of issues through comedy and creativity, not objectivity.
When we started The Rival, we launched with a satirical section for
this exact reason: to reach more students. Despite The Rival at UMD
being the only entirely satirical publication, they are one of the most
successful. If our end goal is to entertain, educate, and engage, then
The Rival at UMD fits in perfectly with every other school.
Were trying to distance ourselves from the competition by
bringing integrity, authenticity, and relevance back to student media.
The Rival at UMD enforces this standard by satirizing superficial
content. Many for-profit student publications are hell-bent on clicks,
which means theyre prioritizing production over quality. The Rival at
UMD is here to ensure that The Rival doesnt make the same mistake.

COO & Co-Founder at The Rival, LLC

16 campuses. 300+ student writers.

Infographic by Adam Goldberg via PinMaps.net. Information from The Rival, LLC.
George Washington University, University of Rochester, University of Notre Dame, Indiana University, Duke University,
University of Miami, American University, Howard University, George Mason University, Syracuse University, Fordham University,
University of Maryland, New York University, University of Missouri, University of Wisconsin, College of Charleston

MARYLAND PRIDE

Melo Eats Yellow Jell-O

By Alistair Faghani

UMD Student Finds Solace in That High School

Classmates Still Pursuing Rap Careers
By Hugh McFarland
University of Maryland student
Eric Zimmerman reportedly spent an
hour after class Wednesday listening
to poorly-produced and
badly-written rap songs that his high
school classmates had posted to
Soundcloud to lift his spirits.

Original Photo Source: Jamie Sabau

Point guard positioned, eyes on the prize

Our boy, our hero, the source of our pride
Melo lifts up the lid, and beholds with his eyes
the most glorious, golden, yellow Jell-O inside!
In one fell swoop, he spoons up his prey
Jell-O be gone, I will eat you today!
And just like that
like a scene from Othello
Melo lays waste
to his sweet yellow Jell-O
But lo what is this?
Still hungry for more
Melo makes haste
to the nearest convenience store
He zips through the aisles
scanning with precision,
all the many different colors,
with his yellow Jell-O vision
But seeing only a sea of greens, and blues and
ungodly reds galore
our dismayed hero collapsed to the floor
Without his yellow Jell-O
Melo was no more

I failed the in-class quiz for my stat class,

the sophomore English major said. So I
really needed a pick-me-up.

Photo source: Jeremy Noble

Unlike most college students, Zimmerman has yet to figure out what exactly
to do with his life, a reality that causes him a great deal of stress. Despite
this, Zimmerman claims that he has found the perfect antidote to his crushing
uncertainty.
Whatever happens to me, at least Im not like those kids from high school
trying to be the next big thing, like Vanilla Ice or 2 Chainz, he said.
Sure, Im worried about my future, but when the alternative is calling myself
Young EZ, making an awful song that my friends listen to ironically, and then
becoming a used car salesman, I think Im on the right path so far,
Zimmerman said.
Other students have also become aware of this technique. Freshman Paul
Harring shared his thoughts on the subject.
Of course every upper-middle class kid dreams of being a great rapper one
day, he said. Most of us know when to give up on that hope and let our
parents convince us to major in business.
Harring then went back to listening to a track by four of his former
classmates from Montgomery High School, who now refer to themselves as
Rich Homiez.
At press time, Harring was showing his friends the song, chuckling, and
looking as though a humongous weight had been lifted from his shoulders.
Just think, he said, that couldve been me.

Photo courtesy of Alistair Faghani

Alistair
Faghani
Follow Alistair on
Twitter
@Alistairpanini

Hey, my name is Alistair

Faghani and I am a freshman
business major from
Bethesda, Maryland (Go
Terps!) I knew someone was
going to write that poem, I
just really wanted it to be me.
In addition to writing satire,
Ive been writing sketches,
performing stand up, but
above all, I consider myself a
freestyle fanatic.

Photo courtesy of Hugh McFarland

Hugh
McFarland

Follow Hugh on Twitter

@hughbie_doobie

Whats up? My name is Hugh McFarland and I

am a freshman history major from Havre de Grace,
Maryland. A couple of the rappers from my high
school are actually good, but the vast majority are
not. I wanted to write a piece comparing the pipe
dream of becoming a rapper with the stress and
uncertainty of college. Ive wanted to be a writer
for several years, and even took a fiction writing
workshop last semester. I have always thought of
myself as a funny person, so whatever I write will
probably be tinged with humor, regardless
of whether it is a screenplay, novel, or
something else entirely.

An Open Letter to My Husband

by Paige Weiss
Hey Yall! Im Paige! Im a freshman theatre
and government and politics double major from
Dallas, Texas. After seeing all of these cheesy
open letters all over Facebook, I couldnt help
but poke fun at the entire concept in this piece.
In addition to writing satirical pieces for The Rival
at UMD, I am a current improviser for Eraseable
Inc. I hope to be on Saturday Night Live one day,
so get off your butt and support live comedy!
Photo source: Azchael

Photo courtesy of Paige Weiss.

Paige Weiss
Follow Paige on Twitter
@PaigeWeiss4444

Dear Future Husband,

We need to talk.

No. I know we talked last week, but obviously that didnt help because you continue to leave your suit jacket on the ground when you get home from work.
Its honestly not that big of a dealits just that Ive asked you to fix it so many times, and you arent even trying. I feel like you dont respect me or my opinions
about our marriage. Ive got other things that we need to discuss too, and no, do NOT tell me that Im nagging again. Were just having an adult conversation.
The first thing is that you never take the kids to school. I have to go to work just like you do, yet somehow Im always taking both Jane AND Tyler to middle
and high school. I mean, COME ON?! They go to different schools!! Does it not make sense in your small mind that we would each take one of the kids??
So weve covered the mornings now.
Ready for the night?? Okay, here goes. It pisses me off beyond belief when I get back from work and youre watching tv and farting all over the place while
the kids run wild, and then you have the BALLS to ask me when dinner is going to be ready?? How about you make dinner for a change? Preheat the oven
to 325 and shove a Stouffers lasagna in it for Christs sake.
And how about a Hi, honey. How was your day? Is that too much to ask? IM TIRED, TOO. This marriage is not what I signed up for.
You know what? Theres something Ive been wanting to say to you for a while, so Im just going to do it! Youre a filthy pig. Please lower the toilet seat
after youve pissed your beer-smelling, yellow-ass pee all over its rim. Please fold the blankets that youve been using for the past three weeks while you
sleep on the couch. Please take a shower you pathetic piece of shit. My parents are staying with us soon, and I dont want them to see the wreck of a man
youve become. And PLEASE stop walking around the house in only your underwear; youre making Jane believe that a 59 250 pound man is an
appropriate specimen to settle with. And youre making me feel uncomfortable and sad, because, lets be honest, I look better than you and I carried
humans in my uterus for 9 months at a time, TWICE.
You clean the dishes.
Love,

Your Future Wife

A Message from our Director of Content
Last October, 500 students filled the Grand
Ballroom in the Stamp Student Union to see
the head writer of The Onion and editor of
Clickhole speak.
Photo courtsey of Adam Goldberg

When glancing back at the rest of the audience from the third row, I noticed a lot
of laughing and amused glances, but above all, I noticed an opportunity
If this many students appreciate the comedic brilliance of The Onion, then
why dont we satisfy the needs of these students and start up a student-run
satirical publication?
Fast forward a few months later, and my team of 20+ staff writers and
filmmakers have taken the campus by storm, publishing hilarious content to
make you giggle, gasp, but also think. Our goal is not to mislead people by
making anyone think our stories are realbut if people do think theyre real,
its just a lil cherry and cream on top.
You like cream dont you?
So give us a read, throw us a like, and if you want, hire us.
Were tomorrows comedy writers and most likely unemployed today.
Thanks,
Adam Goldberg

Interested in Writing for The Rival?

Great, apply to join the team! Yet, before you do, it might be helpful to
study up on the type of content we produce. All of our articles fall into one
of the following categories:
Entertainment - UMD - Sports - Opinion - Politics - US & World
Millennials Only! - A satirical response to The Odyssey Online, Elite
Daily, and other college millennial-centered news outlets.
click here ya dingus - A place for our more experimental content. We
understand its not for everyone, but neither is underwater basket weaving.
Have an idea for an article?
Pitch your idea, or send a
draft to umd@therival.news

This article was written by a contibutor known as Maggleton.

Q: I want to help, but Im REALLY busy...?

A: We hear you. Were a little busy too. Our 20+ writers also represent
several clubs and student organizations, further informing our comedic
perspective. You can contribute one article, or become a staff writer; the
option is yours. We hold weekly pitch meetings in an attempt to take the
pulse of the campus through our social commentary. It might be fake news,
but we believe our purpose could not be more real. If this passion
resonates with you, well see you at the next meeting.