Challenging Her Self-Esteem

To Grow Forever

by Lawrence Lanoff

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Challenging Her Self-Esteem To Grow Forever

Challenging Her Self-Esteem To

Grow Forever
Marcus Aurelius said, The Sexual Embrace can only be compared with
music and with prayer. What I want to talk to you about now is
challenging her sexual self-esteem to grow forever. When I look at the
lovers in my life, I see women who are free. My framework, my goal has
always been freedom to encourage and allow them to expand and to
grow. To be free and to explore. To be anything but owned property. To
be autonomous adult humans who are free to experience everything and
all that they wish to experience.
When I am with a woman, I encourage her to move beyond what Mommy
and Daddy taught her about life, beyond the limited frames that have kept
her in prison and have kept her in bondage and have kept her vagina
snapped and sewn shut in many cases. Often, her upbringing has
completely limited her pleasure. Because in our Judeo-Christian culture,
though we no longer do actual clitoridectomies, psychologically we still
do. And we really have quite effectively separated a woman from her
vagina, from her pussy, from her pleasure.
So in this segment I really want to encourage you to create an environment
that challenges her sexual self-esteem to grow forever. Theres a tool kit
for this, because there are things that she needs that give her this sense of
safety or context of OK, I have this safe base of understanding that my
partner accepts me as I am. So the framework that I use for this is
something that I teach and coach one-on-one; I call it Radical SelfAcceptance.
So the first frame I use is Radical Self-Acceptance in communicating to
her anything regarding sexuality. What this means is that anything she
brings up, any desire, anything she wants to explore, any fear she has
about her sexuality, I radically accept that framework. It seems to me that
as soon as that is your framework, what that creates is a sense of safety
and well-being and a lack of judgmental criticism.

Challenging Her Self-Esteem To Grow Forever

Let me give you an example. Last night I was walking to my car after
speaking at an event and on the way out, it was about 10 oclock at night,
on the way out, I saw a woman standing outside against the wall, and she
seemed to be lost in thought, so I stopped. And I just said, Hey, whats
happening?
And she said, Well Im thinking. And so a conversation ensued. What
was interesting about the conversation is that I know that she told me
something that she has never told anybody else. And since she will not be
listening to this program I can share it with you in confidence.
And what she told me is shes been married to her husband for quite a
while, sounded like close to 15 years. In that time, she had had two
children, and she and her husband had a relationship, but she was stuck in
a framework of the Madonna, of the mother. And because they were so
young when they got married, her sexual self-esteem was never
challenged. As she is standing outside and were talking, she looks at me
and she says, Im going to tell you something Ive never told anybody,
and I cant believe Im telling you this, but you make me feel that
anything I say, youll accept and youll accept me.
And I said, Well, thats true. And she proceeded to tell me about having
an affair and having fallen deeply in love with an older man. And she
expected me to shame her or demoralize or blame her, but I know about
the Language of Lust, I know the importance of erotic stimulation.
And it was obvious to me, that here, at 10 oclock at night outside of the
hotel where I was speaking, this woman stood thinking while her husband
was in the bar drinking. And I understood something that she longed to be
understood about. That she is a woman. That she is a sexual creature. That
she wants and needs more than to just be pet occasionally, or fucked
jackhammer style, porn style, by a young man who is simply getting his
rocks off and has no concern about her. And so as she was closing down to
her husband, her sexual energy didnt disappear, it just got redirected. And
eventually it found its way to an older man who was very open and
accepting of her sexual energy.
Now because youve listened to this program, you have x-ray goggles
when it comes to female sexuality and youre beginning to understand that
women are sexual creatures and sexuality is a tool and contains a tool kit

Challenging Her Self-Esteem To Grow Forever

that needs to be explored regularly with your partner. So there are five
principles that will encourage her and challenge her to grow her
sexual self-esteem, and Im going to share those with you right now.
First, understand there is no right way. So if youre approaching sex
as if it is a performance or a kind of perfect dance, then frankly,
youre taking the pleasure and possibility out of sex. For example, I
recently met with a coaching client and it was obvious to me why she
hadnt been laid in 4 years. And the main reason was she was shooting for
perfection. She wanted to look perfect, she wanted to feel perfect, and she
wanted to have sex perfectly. She had some image in her head, and that
image was an impossible image to attain. Those are what I call sexual
leprechauns. They dont exist in reality, they cant exist in reality and yet
we are drawn to them like moths to a flame. So I invited her to break that
down by pointing out that there is no right way.
In fact, my framework is all ways are the right way. If youre having sex,
if youre having pleasure, if youre communicating, then youre doing
fine. Even if youre not communicating, as long as there is a way to
engage with freedom and openness, youre doing great. So this is where
the framework of Radical Self-Acceptance becomes so important because
it understands theres no perfect way, theres no right way. Whatever the
way is, the framework is, I just accept it.
I also accept something very powerful, and that is the second
principle: That mistakes are really incredible things and when you
mess something up in the bedroom, when you perhaps just
miscalibrate where your lover actually is emotionally maybe youre
feeling super rough and raw and shes feeling super tender and you
go really rough and raw and then her response is like Yikes! its
important for you to learn and communicate about that. Because
calibration is essential. And when youre having sex and getting to know a
lover in the beginning of a relationship, there are lots of times youll mess
things up. But as long as you can smile, as long as you can talk about it, as
long as you can call it out, then mistakes are really beautiful things.
Theyre fun things to talk about and bond over.
And so that leads me to the third principle, which is, of course, that
you have to accept your own sexual desires and where you are in life.
And the more you accept your shadow, the more you accept your deepest,

Challenging Her Self-Esteem To Grow Forever

darkest desires, the more you explore and discuss your kinks, the more
accepting you will be with her. And then you guys can play.
That really is the fourth principle: to play. Sex is fun. Sex is adult fun.
And theres so much fun to be had. So thats part of how I challenge her
sexual self-esteem to grow because Im always encouraging play and fun
and exploration. And this creates an environment where we know good
things are going to happen whenever were exploring sex.
The fifth thing that I think is really, really important is the principle
upon which this program is based, which is that its really, really
important to unleash language. Unleash her words, unleash her sounds.
This allows for really beautiful things to happen in her sexuality because
using words like, you know, Im just taking an example, but saying I
want you to look in my eyes while you fuck me. Im going to spread my
pussy open and I want you to make me cum with your mouth or your
tongue. I want you to spank me. Her ability to communicate her needs to
say things like Faster, Slower, without worrying about your ego is
critical.
And let me tell you this, put your fucking ego in check right now. Like
seriously, check your ego because its not valuable in bed. Like thinking
youre a rock star, or you know, taking words that she says as criticism,
like seriously, we as men have to grow the fuck up. And part of cultivating
sexual self-esteem is giving her the freedom to communicate what she
needs and what she wants and how shes feeling. Take orgasm off the
table, in other words the goal of orgasm where we stick the flag in and
orgasm has happened and now, yay, the band cheers, the crowd roars
because thats a lot of pressure. So if we take that off the table, then sex is
really a movement of energy, of quality of communication, of sensation.
And that movement itself feels good. To go all Zen on you for a second,
the Zen of this particular segment is when it comes to sex, the end result is
not the point. Its the path, the play that is the journey; theres no place to
get to. And that attitude creates an environment that is the right
environment for cultivating sexual self-esteem.
So if you take the time to have radical self-acceptance regarding
anything around her sexuality, including her body if you use that and
follow that, and therefore express your appreciation for your partner, for

Challenging Her Self-Esteem To Grow Forever

her body, for her mind, for her sharing, for her opening and sharing her
sexuality with you, that creates a beautiful environment for her to grow in.
Second, in this case, you want to cultivate feelings of connection.
Connection is essential for good, deep sex. Like, it doesnt matter how
kinky you go, great kink is built on solid connection. So I dont always
want it to be like slow Tantric sex, that would just be, that would sort of be
the equivalent . . . the Tantric equivalent to the Madonna. I dont want that
at all and neither do you. We want to change the flavors and so the
common theme to sexual vulnerability and sexual self-esteem is this sense
of connectedness and a sense of an emotional connection and a bond and a
safe space, which is what I started speaking about at the beginning of this
program.
So when she feels that intimate connection, then that allows her more
safety to open. Then she wants to feel that she is appreciated for the gifts
shes bringing to the table. She wants to feel that sexy deliciousness that
comes from having a body and a pussy, to walk around with breasts that
attract just simply because they are, to possess the curves that make
having a female form such an exceptional thing since the beginning of
human history. Appreciating these things and really acknowledging them,
and even speaking about them and sharing your turn on about these things,
also creates a sense of safety.
And finally, treating her with your raw passion or treating her to your raw
passion. That being able to look at her and grab your cock and, you know,
especially in our porn culture, this is a really awesome thing to do, to be
able to lay your partner down and stroke your cock while you look at her
stroking her pussy. Using these aspects of pleasure and turn on for more
turn on and sharing those parts of yourself with vulnerability.
And when you can be with your lover and let her be your live porn and,
you know, get off on that together and share that kind of vulnerability and
turn on, its an extremely powerful confidence-building thing. Because as
you know for yourself, part of confidence comes through experience and
knowing that you can handle a given situation; thats what confidence is.
Confidence is this intersection of experience and knowledge. And when
you intersect these two things you gain confidence. Because now you may
say, Yes, I have some knowledge, but I have no experience, or I have lots

Challenging Her Self-Esteem To Grow Forever

of experience, but I have no knowledge. but remember, the intersection
point of those points is confidence and wisdom. That is sexy as fuck. And
she will appreciate you for that.
So, finally, to summarize this segment, and really to summarize what it is
to have mastery, is to understand that this entire program rotates around
the idea, the core idea, of freeing yourself and your woman from sexual
shame. And you do that by freeing your beliefs, by challenging your
experiences, by challenging the limitations that were put on you by
culture, by mom, by dad. And really challenging your self-esteem to
continue to grow so that both of you are open. You are open and she is
open and you can invite and challenge each other to continue to grow
sexually forever.
My experience, and Ive been doing this probably a lot longer than many
of you listening to this program, my experience is that sex just keeps
getting better and better, which is shocking because that wasnt always the
case. I remember when I turned 30, I thought it was the end of my sex life.
I truly did. I thought that I would never be able to have experiences that I
still hadnt had at age 30, I just thought it was over. That you know, if I
hadnt had a threesome by the time I was 30 it was over. If I hadnt had
just unbridled, wild sex that it would be over for me.
And in fact, sex has just gotten better and better and that includes with my
primary relationship. Sex with my partner just continues to grow and
deepen and get more exciting, and orgasms are more intense because
were building on this foundation of all of the materials that Ive been
sharing with you in this course and specifically in this segment.
So in summary, the one thing you want to let go of is sexual shame.
Sexual shame is the kryptonite to freedom of sexual expression and to
sexual self-esteem. And the kryptonite to sexual shame is radical selfacceptance that no matter what comes into your mind, no matter what
comes out of her mouth, no matter what youre experiences are, that you
just accept, generously, because sex is adult play time. And play is
necessary, and pleasure is necessary to our well-being and to the quality of
our lives.

Challenging Her Self-Esteem To Grow Forever

Thank you for listening, please feel free to review this material at any
time. This is an important segment. Theres a lot going on here and I
invite you to listen and to take action right now.
So right in this moment, if theres one core idea youre taking away, I
want you to write it down right now. And for the next week apply it.
Whatever that is, whatever you heard, whatever it was that clicked for you
in this segment, I want you to write it down and I want you to apply it this
week. Take one idea and apply it.
And again, listen to this program in a week and find the next idea. But
keep expanding and keep challenging your self-esteem to grow regarding
your sex life. And again, thanks for listening. This is Lawrence and I will
see you in the next segment.