What is the difference between an English pensioner, a French pensioner

and a German pensioner? The English pensioner reads The Times while
eating breakfast and then goes to the golf club. The French pensioner drinks
a glass of wine for breakfast and the German pensioner takes a blood
pressure tablet and sets off to work.
(This is sooo true. The Germans truly are workaholics!)

2. What are the two shortest words in the dictionary? German humor and
English food.

(Uhhh..no comment on this one, says the Brit )

3. A Dutchman and German man were sat next to one another on an

aeroplane. The German took off his shoes and then stood up to get a drink.
He asked the Dutchman if he would like him to fetch him a cola too. The
Dutchman said that would be very nice. While the German man was getting
the drinks, the Dutchman spat into his shoes. Towards the end of the flight,
the German put his shoes back on and then realised what the Dutch man had
done. He said to him Why do we always have this hostility between our two
countries? Spitting in one anothers shoes and weeing in each others
drinks!!

(Anybody know a Dutchman who can confirm this type of hostility, please?! ;)

4. A German and an American placed bets on whose house would be built

first. Four weeks later the American said Only 14 days and Im finished! The
German said Only 14 more forms to fill out and then I can start!

(I can vouch for this joke as we are currently building a house north of
Munichthe red tape and bureaucracy involved is crazy!!)

5. Hell is the place where the English cook, the Italians control the traffic
systems and the Germans make TV programmes.

(Sorry, but I can also vouch for this! German TV entertainment is getting
better, but, in my opinion, is still not on a par with some other
countriesOh and what is all this about English food come on... it isnt
that bad!! ;)

6. Three astronauts from Russia, America and Germany were discussing

which of their countries is the most pioneering in space. The Russian said
We are, as we were the first country to go into space. The Americans
argued We are, as we were the first to put a man on the moon. The German
said We WILL be as we will be the first to land on the sun. The others
argued that this isnt possible as it would be too hot. The German, however,
argued We have already thought of this: we will fly at night!

7. This recent question was presented to a German national: What do you

think is the biggest problem in Germany? Uncertainty or indifference? He
answered: I dont know and I dont care!

8. What is the difference between a Turkish person and a Bavarian? The

Turkish person can speak better German!

This joke is two-fold. First of all it is referring to the Turkish population in

Germany many of whom originally came over as 'Gastarbeiter' (guest
workers) after the Second World War. The second is in reference to the
Bavarian dialect which really is very different to Hochdeutsch (the standard
German dialect). When I first visited Bavaria, which is located in southern
Germany, I really didnt understand a word of what was being spoken, even
though at that point Id been learning German for over 10 years!

9. A German teacher was talking to her students about some basic German
grammar rules: I go, You go, He goes, She goes, They goFritzchen, can
you tell me what this means? Fritzchen answered: Well, I would say it means
they have all gone!

This is a German grammar joke.

10. 80 per cent of all Austrians are happy with their neighbours. The other
20 per cent live on the German border.

No comment! I am married to a German don't forget! :)

11. An American, a Frenchman and a German were all sat in a pub together.
Suddenly, Jesus appeared. The American said If its true you can work
miracles, can you please cure my injured knee? The Frenchman asked Jesus
If its true you can work miracles, can you please cure my terrible backache?
The German then looked at Jesus and said Stay right away from me, Ive just
been signed off ill for six weeks!

12. On which day do German civil servants work the most? On a Monday
because they need to cross off two days on their calendars!

13. Man: 'Boss, is it OK if I finish work two hours earlier today as my wife
wants me to go shopping with her? Boss: Absolutely not. Man: Thanks I
knew I could count on you!

14. The Judge says to the accused: You are charged with luring your
neighbour into the forest and then savagely beating him. Do you not think
you went a bit too far? Accused: Yes, you are right. I should have done it
beforehand in the meadow!

15. Hairdresser to customer: Your hair is going grey. Customer: No

wonder when you take so long to cut it!

16. The German teacher asked Bini: 'What case is it when you say: Studying
makes me happy.' Bini: A rare one!

This is also a German grammar joke and is a play on the different

grammatical cases in the German language.

17. An Englishman on a farm. Englishman to farmer: Hello

Mister. Farmer: I am not the mister, I am the milker.

This German joke is a play on the English word Mr and the German word
Mister. A mister in German refers to someone who clears away animal
excrement!!

18. A guest arrives at a restaurant and decides to order his meal. The waiter
arrives promptly to take his order. The guest asks: Do you have frog legs?
The waiter answers: No, thats just the way I walk!

I love this German joke! ;)

19. A man goes shopping: I would like some underpants.' The sales person
asks: Long? The man answers: I would like to buy them, not rent them.

This is a play on the German word lange which in the original German joke
could either mean how long for? or how long?.

20. Berni asks her father: Dad, what does a football player do when he
cant see very well anymore? Dad: He becomes a referee!