Although sacrifice may be inevitable, when the time comes to do it, its not always easy.

I often
find myself weighing my need to be true to myselfwhy should I be the one giving up what I
want?against my desire to be a good partner and do what it takes to make my relationship
workif this is important to him, I should be supportive.
Sacrifice also raises questions of power: If you are happy to sacrifice early in the relationship and
your partner isnt reciprocating, you may find yourself in a situation where you are the one who
is always expected to give up and give in. Over time this imbalanced pattern of sacrifice may
lead to an imbalance of power in your relationshipa recipe for long-term unhappiness and
resentment.
In short, research by social psychologists such as Emily Impett, Paul Van Lange, and Caryl
Rusbult suggests that sacrificing for someone you love may show them you care and may even
make you feel good about yourself. But their studies also reveal that if you find yourself always
being the one who sacrificesor if you feel forced to make a sacrificethen you should tread
with caution. Based on this research, I offer seven questions you may want to ask yourself when
deciding whether or not a sacrifice is worth it.
1. How committed are you? Is this the person you plan to spend forever with, or do you still
harbor reservations? According to Van Lange, commitment may be one of the most important
precursors to sacrifice. In order for a big sacrifice to be worth it, you should make sure that you
are invested in the relationship and confident about your future together. Nothing is certain, of
course, but a sacrifice becomes much more palatable when it helps bring you closer to the person
with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

2. Would your partner do the same for you? Sacrifice is two-sided: While you are deciding
whether or not to move across the country to let your spouse take his promotion, your spouse
must decide whether or not to sacrifice his promotion in order to let you keep your job. So as you
debate whether or not to make a sacrifice, research by Van Lange and colleagues suggests its
important to question whether your partner has shown the same degree of commitment and is
now going through the same thought process. Has your partner been willing to sacrifice for you
in the past, or expressed his willingness to sacrifice in the future? In the current situation, are you
working together to figure out what is best, or does your partner simply expect you to change
your life to accommodate his? If your partner assumes that you are the one who must choose to
sacrifice, without assuming any of the same responsibility on his end, think twice.
3. Does one of you want it more? When a situation requires sacrifice from you or your partner,
the two of you may not be equally invested in the outcome. Perhaps your partner really wants to
attend her family reunion, and although you dont relish missing your work event, you know
your co-workers will understand, and the family reunion is a one-time thing. As you navigate the
situation, make sure you are both clear about your own desires and priorities.
4. Does your partner know its a sacrifice? There is no need to rub your potential sacrifice in
your partners face, or use it against them, but if your partner isnt aware that you consider your
act to be a sacrifice, he or she wont be able to appreciate your selflessness. In addition, by not
realizing that you are incurring a cost for the sake of the relationship, your partner might not
understand when you want her to return the favor the next time a sacrifice is called for. Finally, it
is important to know if your partner disagrees with you and does not see your actions as a
sacrifice. Has your partner expressed thanks for your willingness to sacrifice? Research Ive

done with Emily Impett suggests expressing gratitude shows recognition of a sacrifice. If you
havent received a thank you, your partner may be taking you for granted.
5. Is there a better solution? Rather than simply trying to pick through the choices at hand, you
should be working with your partner to see if there is a solution that doesnt require much of a
sacrifice from either of you. If your partner wants you to go on a tropical vacation and you really
want to take in the architecture of ancient cities, perhaps a little research will uncover a place
where you can do both. This isnt always an option, of course, but even in situations in which
there is no clear compromise, there may be a way to reduce the impact of the sacrifice.
6. Can you negotiate? Although close relationships require that you give when giving is needed,
it doesnt mean you and your partner cant make an arrangement that suits both of you. For
example, you can work it out so that you eat at the restaurant you want, and go to the movie your
partner wants to see. This may even work for the bigger sacrifices. You could make the move to
the new city, but agree that there will be money set aside in a travel budget so that you can fly
home to visit your family some number of times a year.
7. Whats your motivation? In many respects, this is the most important question you need to
ask yourself. Research shows that people engage in sacrifice for many different reasons, and not
all of them lead to happily ever after.
Are you moving cross-country to make your partner happy and keep your relationship goingor
are you simply trying to avoid conflict? Sacrifices motivated by avoidance can undermine
happiness and satisfaction in a relationship. If you sacrifice to avoid conflict, you might think,
Well, I might feel bad, but at least we wont fight and our relationship wont suffer. It turns out

that is not the case: Recent research by Emily Impett shows that when people believe their
partner sacrificed for what psychology calls avoidance-motivated reasons, they feel less
satisfied with the relationship.
There is an alternative: When you sacrifice to make your partner happy, that can potentially
increase trust and happiness. People who sacrifice for approach-motivated reasonsfor longterm collective gain as a couple or to help fulfill your partners dreamstend to be happier and
have more satisfying relationships.
Although sacrificing to make a partner happy can be a good thing, it may be trouble if you find
yourself constantly sacrificing out of a desire to be the good partner and satisfy your partner at
the cost of your own happiness. People who consistently prioritize others needs above their own
a situation known as unmitigated communioncan pay a cost in self-esteem and mental
health over the long run. Sacrifice is a hallmark of a close relationship, but it should not lead to
neglecting your own needs.
Along similar lines, you should ask yourself whether your sacrifice was motivated by a desire to
help your partneror to hold the sacrifice over your partners head. Psychologist Aleksandr
Kogan has shown that genuine helping is healthy, but using sacrifice as a bargaining chip in your
relationship may lead to resentment from your partner.
In addition, although there is nothing wrong with negotiating with your partner, choosing to
make a sacrifice and then silently expecting your partner to take the fall the next time may mean
disappointment for both of you. In close relationships, people typically hold mutual expectations

they believe their partner will help them when they need it and sacrifice without expecting to
be paid back in kind.
In fact, studies show that people can become upset when a close partner does try to pay them
back in kind. So your partner may be disheartened to learn that you sacrificed only to ensure that
he would have to sacrifice for youperhaps because it makes your romantic relationship feel
like a series of economic transactions.
Relationships require sacrifice, but we shouldnt give up or give in without thinking it through. It
is important to consider the pros and cons, have clear communication with your partner, ask the
tough questions, and make sure you are sacrificing for the right reasons. The right kind of
sacrifice can bring people together, but sacrificing for the wrong reasons may be worse than no
sacrifice at all.