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A Very Potter Musical Script


This is the script to Starkid's A Very Potter Musical, shortened and altered so it's around an hour and a half. I wrote this
up because me and my friend's are performing it, and I though I'd share it here to spare everyone else the time- enjoy!
Scene 1
(Harry is sitting by himself on his trunk. He looks worried and anxious as he looks around and pushes the hair out of his
eyes and begins to sing.)
Work Text:

Song: Get Back To Hogwarts

Harry Potter: Underneath these stairs
I hear the sneers and feel glares of
My cousin, my uncle and my aunt.
Can't believe how cruel they are
And it stings my lighting scar
To know that they'll never, ever give me what I want.
I know I don't deserve these
Stupid rules made by the Dursleys
Here on Privet drive.
Can't take all of these muggles,
But despite all of my struggles,
I'm still alive.
Im sick of summer and this waiting around.
Man, its September, and Im skipping this town
Hey, its no mystery,
Theres nothing here for me now
(He stands up.)
I got to get back to Hogwarts;
I got to get back to school.
Got to get myself to Hogwarts,
Where everybody knows I'm cool
Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts,
To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.
Its all that I love, and it's all that I need.
At HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I'm going back.
I'll see my friends, going to laugh 'til we cry
Take my Firebolt, going to take to the sky
NO WAY this year anyone's going to die,
And it's going to be totally awesome!
I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand
defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!
And do it all with my best friend Ron,
'Cause together we're totally awesome!
(Ron bursts into the room enthusiastically)
Ron Weasley: Yeah, and it's going to be totally awesome! Did somebody say Ron Weasley?
(They hug and greet each other)

Ron: Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to go get some Floo Powder, but, uh, we got to get going. Get your
trunk and lets go!
Harry: Wherere we going?
Ron: To Diagon Alley, of course!
Harry & Ron: (while flapping arms) Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!

Ron : It's been so long, but we're going back

Don't go for work, don't go there for class
Harry: As long as were togetherRon : -going to kick some grass
Harry & Ron : -And its going to be totally awesome!
This year we'll take everybody by storm,
Stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm(Hermione pops up behind them with a stern look on her face.)
Hermione Granger: But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class

If we want to pass our OWLS!

Ron: (With a roll of the eyes) Aw, Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzzkill?
Hermione: Because, schools not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and

I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart

Check out my grades, they're "Os" for a start
What I lack in looks, well, I make up in heart,
And well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome
This year I plan to study a lotRon: That would be cool if you were actually hot!
Harry: Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got!
Ron: And that's cool...
Hermione: And that's totally awesome!
Harry, Ron & Hermione: Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!
We're sick of summer and this waiting around!
It's like we're sitting in the lost and found!
Don't take no sorcery
For anyone to see how...
We got to get back to Hogwarts.
We got to get back to school.
We got to get back to Hogwarts,
Where everything is magic-cooooool!
Ensemble : Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts
To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love, and it's all that I need at
Harry, Ron & Hermione: -I think we're going back...

Scene 2
Ginny Weasley: Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madame Malkins and use those sickles Mum gave you for my
robe fittings!
Harry: Uh, whos this?
Ron: This is my stupid little sister Ginny. Shes, like, a whole year younger than me. Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter.
Its Harry Potter.
(Ginny and Harry shake hands.)
Ginny: Youre Harry Potter! Youre The Boy Who Lived!
Harry: Yeah, and youre Ginny.
Ginny: Its Ginevra.
Harry: Cool. Ginnys fine.
Hermione: Do you guys hear that?
Ron: Yeah, someones dancing? (He recoils) Whoa!
(They notice three girls, dancing onto stage.)
Ginny: Whos that?
Harry: Thats Cho Chang.
Ron: Yeah, thats the girl Harry been in love with since, like, forever.
Hermione: Yeah, but he wont say anything to her!
Ron: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot.
Cho Chang: In case you didnt know, Im Cho Chang.
Harry: She is completely perfect!
Ron: Yeah, too bad shes DATING Cedric Diggory.
Harry: What? Who the hell is Cedric Diggory?
(Cedric comes between the four and sweeps his arms, knocking them over.)
Cedric Diggory: Oh, Cho Chang
I am so in love with Cho Chang
from Bangkok to Ding Dang
I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!
(Cho, Cedric and Chos Posse exit.)
Harry: Uh! I hate him!
(They start to leave. Draco Malfoy enters dramatically with Goyle in tow.)
Malfoy: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?!?
Harry: What do you want, Draco?

Malfoy: (He gestures to Goyle) You, be a dear and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at
Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year youll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizards.
Harry: Hey, listen, Malfoy, Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldnt trade them for
Malfoy: Have it your way. (He notices Ginny) Wait. Dont tell me. Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid
complexion. You must be a Weasley.
Ron: Oh my god, shut up Malfoy!
Malfoy: Well, isnt this cute! Its like a little loser family. Hogwarts has really gone the dogs. Luckily next year Ill be
transferred to Pigfarts!
This year you bet, going to get outta here
The reign of Malfoy is drawing near
Ill have the greatest wizard career,
And its going to be totally awesome
Look out world, for the dawn of the day
When everyone will do whatever I say!
Ill be the one who is totally awesome!
Goyle: Yeah youll be the one who is totally awesome.
Hermione: Cmon, guys, were going to miss the train!
(Vague train shape)
Ensemble: Who knows how fast this years going to go?
Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow
Harry: Maybe at last, Ill talk to Cho!
Ron : Oh no, thatd be WAY too awesome!
Ensemble: Were back to learn everything that we can
Its great to come back to where we began
And here we are
And alakazam!
Here we go, this is totally awesome!
Come on and teach us everything you know
The summers over and were itchin to go
Neville: I think were ready for
Albus Dumbledore!

Dumbledore: Oooooo Ahhhhhh! I welcome, all of you to Hogwarts.

I welcome back you all to school.
Did you know that here at Hogwarts
Weve got a hidden swimming pool?
Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts
Welcome, all you hotties, nerds, and fools
Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts
Id like to go over just a couple of rules:
My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Dumbledore. I suppose you could
also call me Albus-if you want a detention. Im just kidding. Ill expel you if you call me Albus.
Ensemble: Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts
To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
It's all that I love, and all that I need.
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends
To Gryffindors!
Back to the place where our story begins
Its Hogwarts, Hogwarts,
Dumbledore: Im sorry, whats its name?
Ensemble: Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Dumbledore: I didnt hear you kids!
Ensemble: Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Harry: Man, Im glad Im back.

Scene 3

(The students take seats, with Gryffindors on stage right and everybody else on stage left.)
Dumbledore: Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favourite student, Mr.
Harry Potter. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny (he checks Ginnys
gender)-scuse me- Ms. Ginny Weasley.
Ginny: (stands up) Yeah, Im a girl, and, um, also, arent we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat? (sits down)
Dumbledore: Uh, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted
magical clothing. Basically Ive just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anyone who looks
like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can just go wherever they want, I dont really care.
Cedric: (stands up) Hufflepuff are particularly good finders!
Dumbledore: What the HECK is a Hufflepuff?
(Cedric smiles awkwardly for a moment then sits down.)
Dumbledore: Anyways, it is time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions professor, Mr.
Severus Snape.
(Snape enters)
Ron: Aw, Snape? I hoped theyd fired that guy!
Ginny: Whats wrong with Professor Snape?
Ron: Nothing, hes just, uh, evil!
Snape: Now, before we begin, Im going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz.
(Everybody groans, except for Hermione, who cheers.)
Snape: Can anyone tell me what a portkey is?
Hermione: Oo! (She raises her hand)
Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.
Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to
anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.
Snape: Very good! Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?
(Hermione raises her hand again.)
Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.
Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to
return later in a more significant way.
Snape: Perfect! And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like, a football, or a dolphin!
Lavender: Professor?
Snape: Yes?
Lavender: Can, like, a person be a portkey?
Snape: No, thats absurd. A person can, however, be a horcrux.
Harry: Whats a- whats a horcrux?
Snape: Im not even going to tell you Harry, youll find out soon enough.
Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?
Snape: Oh, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. (he points into the
audience) Now, moving along. Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House
Cup. However, this year were doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Dark Arts Professor,
Professor Quirrel.
(Harrys scar starts to hurt. He puts a hand to it and starts yelling as Quirinus Quirrel enters stage left. Because
Voldemort is on the back of his head, Voldemort stands and walks back to back with Quirrel while his face is hidden
under Quirrels turban.)
Quirrel: When the House Cup Tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from
each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks. The winner would not only win the Cup, they
would also win eternal glory.
Hermione: Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one year when a
student was killed during the first task.
Quirrel: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.
Hermione: I dont think you heard me! I just said somebody died!
Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and stop interrupting! Twenty more points!
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!
Dumbledore: God! For the cleverest witch of your age you really can be stupid sometimes. (Other students laugh at
her) Ten points to Dumbledore!
Quirrel: Yes, well, as the Professor of Defence against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly
what the curriculum needs to(Voldemort sneezes under Quirrels turban.)
Dumbledore: Professor, did your turban just sneeze?
Quirrel: What? No. (He starts to back off stage right)
Dumbledore: I could have sworn I just heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasnt moving.
Quirrel: No, no, that was simply a fart. I must be going.
(Voldemort continues to sneeze, and Harrys scar starts to hurt again as Quirrel gets near him.)
Quirrel: I simply farted once more.
(Quirrel exits hurriedly)
Dumbledore: Now, with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each of the four houses will be selected to
compete! So, Snape, would you do us the honours, please?
(Snape enters with The Cup.)
Snape: Yes, Headmaster. First from the Ravenclaw house (he pulls out a piece of paper), Ms. Cho Chang,
Cho: Oh my god Ive won! I cant believe they called me!
Snape: Next, from Hufflepuff, (pulls out another) Mr. Cedric Diggory.
Cedric: (stands up) Well, I dont FIND this surprising at all!
Snape: Next, from the Slytherin house, (pulls out another) Draco Malfoy!
Malfoy: (stands up) Ha! Oh, I finally beat you, didnt I, Potter? (he struts over to Harry) What do you think of that,
huh? Im the champion this time!
Dumbledore: Draco, will you sit down, you little elf! Champions just a title.

Snape: And finally, from the Gryffindor house, (pulls out a paper) oh my! Well, isnt this curious! The one person in all
of Hogwarts whom I bear a notorious grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.
Neville: (stands up) If it's me, I'd just like to apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losingSnape: Sit down, you inarticulate bubble! Its Harry Potter!
Dumbledore: Well, here you are, folks, the four Hogwarts champions. Now, I want all of you to start preparing
immediately, because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So lets get to it!
(Everybody except Harry, Ron and Hermione starts to leave.)

Scene 4
Harry: (relaxes) Im totally going to win!
(Harry and Ron high-five.)
Hermione: I dont know, Harry
Ron: Oh my god, Hermione. Keep shut. Why do you have to rain on everybodys parade?
Hermione: Because, Ron, this is dangerous!
Harry: Dangerous? Come one, Hermione, how dangerous can it be? Especially for me.
Hermione: Youre not invincible, Harry. Someone DIED in this tournament.
Harry: Uh, Im the Boy that LIVED, not DIED. You know what Hermione, just forget about all of that, okay? Let it go.
Hermione: But, I mean, what about Snape?
Harry: Yeah, what about him?
Hermione: He's hated you for years! And he's hated your parents too, Harry, everybody knows that. And he just so
happens to pick your name out of the House Cup out of hundreds if not five possible Gryffindors?
Harry: Yeah, what a coincidence, we lucked out!
Hermione: No, Harry, I don't think it is a coincidence. When you defeated Voldemort you made a lot of enemies. Ones
you might not even know about.
Harry: Alright, let me get this straight: so you think this tournament is just one big ploy to try and kill me?
Hermione: I don't know, maybe! Anyway, I just think it's dangerous and I don't think you should do it. Look theres
Dumbledore! If you just ask him- (Hermione runs over to Dumbledore) ProfessorDumbledore: Granger, I know what youre going to say. Look, even if I did believe Harry Potter was in danger,
he has to compete. You see that Cup? (He gestures towards the Sorting Cup)
Hermione: Yes.
Dumbledore: It's enchanted. Whosever name comes out of the Cup has to compete or the results would be bad.
Hermione: What do you mean bad?
Dumbledore: Welltry to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body
exploding at the speed of light.
Hermione: (Gasps) A total platonic reversal!
Dumbledore: Yeah, so you see, he has to compete and Hermione, if it makes you feel any better the last guy to die in
the tournament was a Hufflepuff so, um, I'll keep my eyes open and nothing's going to get past old Dumbledore.
Hermione: Alright.
(Dumbledore leaves)
Hermione: (Hermione turns back to Harry) Harry, I'm so sorry but I think you're going to have to compete in the House
Cup Tournament, but don't worry! I won't rest until I find out what the first task is.
Ron: Ill sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.
Hermione: And I guess I can check out the whole library on notes.
Harry: Alright. You guys are awesome.
(Malfoy, Goyle enter.)
Malfoy: Well. Isnt this touching?
Ron: Oh my God, just butt out, Malfoy.
(Malfoy tries to look smooth but falls onto the floor. He continues to roll around on the floor for a while to make it seem
like he did this on purpose.)
Malfoy: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you wont last five minutes in this tournament. I disagree. I say you
wouldnt last five minutes at Pigfarts!
Harry: Alright, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?
Malfoy: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Potter doesnt even know about Pigfarts! Pigfarts is only the
greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. Its where I'm being transferred next year.
Hermione: Malfoy, Ive never heard of that.
Malfoy: Thats because Pigfarts is on Mars!
Harry: Alright, you know what? Were trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave us aloneMalfoy: Oh, no. Im not even here. (He goes to sit on the other side of the stage and then leans in, obviously listening)
Harry: (in a hushed tone) Okay, so, I think we can find out what the first task is if we ask DumbledoreMalfoy: Dumbledore? Pff! What an old coot! Hes nothing like Rumbleroar!
Malfoy: Rumbleroars the headmaster at Pigfarts. Hes a lion, who can talk.
Harry: Malfoy, if you dont mind, were trying to have a conversation here so- wait what are you even doing in here?
Get out!
Malfoy: I cant help it if we can hear everything you say. Were the only ones in here.
Harry: Come on, Malfoy; just get out of here, please?
Malfoy: Where are we supposed to go?
Harry: Uh, I dont know, uh, Pigfarts?
Malfoy: Oh ha. Oh, now youre just being cute. I cant go to Pigfarts. ITS ON MARS. You need a rocket ship. (Struts
over to Harry) Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? I bet you do. You know, not all of us inherited enough money to buy
out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! Its Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter. Moonshoes Potter.
Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!

Harry: Alright, thats it. This is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I dont care if you make fun of
me, (he gets up) but if you bring my parents into this, its a whole other story.
Malfoy: (runs and hides behind stage left bench) Whoa! Not so fast, Potter! Goyle!
(Goyle advances on Harry, arms raised. Harry and Ron cower around the bench while Hermione remains standing.)
Malfoy: Not so tough are you now, Potter! Maybe you should hang out with someone better than that lollygagging
ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend!
Hermione: (Stands) Oh, that is it, Malfoy! Just get out!
Ron & Harry: (Whining) Hermione!
Hermione: No! You dont have time for this- you need to prepare for the first task!
Draco: Whatever. Come on. Lets go watch Wizards of Waverly Place!
(Malfoy exits with Crabbe and Goyle, and Harry, Ron and Hermione exit the other way.)

Scene 5
(Quirrelmort enters. The stage is set with a block-bench and a chair with robes hung over the top.)
Quirrel: (talking to the audience) Fools! Theyre all fools. They think theyre safe. They think theyre back for another
fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the danger thats lurking right under their noses. Or,
should I say, on the back of their heads
(Quirrel rotates to put his back to the audience. He pulls off the turban to reveal Voldemort, who laughs evilly, then
coughs. Quirrel puts his turban on the chair.)
Voldemort: Ugh! I cant breathe in that damn turban!
Quirrel: Im sorry my Lord. Its a necessary precaution. For if they knew that you livedVoldemort: Yes, yes.
Quirrel: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my liege!
Voldemort: We must not have any more foul-ups like tonight in the Great Hall!
Quirrel: Im sorry, my Lord, you sneezed!
Voldemort: I know that. Wash that turban! It tickles my nose.
Quirrel: Yes my Dark KingVoldemort: Okay, just... relax with the Dark Kings, ok? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort.
Were there. Weve reached that point.
Quirrel: Yes, yes, my Voldemort.
Voldemort: Now, Quirrel, lets go to bed. We must be well-rested if we wish to kill Potter. Tonight, in the Great Hall, he
was so close! I could have touched him!
(Quirrel mimes using a sink, he uses some mouthwash.)
Voldemort: Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrel. I can taste it! It tastes like cool mint.
Quirrel: Thats our mouthwash, Voldemort.
Voldemort: Yes. Excellent. (They walk over to the bench) Well, goodnight Quirrel.
(They lie down. There is a pause.)
Voldemort: Okay, okay, I cant do this. Youve got to roll over. I cant sleep on my tummy.
Quirrel: Im sorry, but I always sleep on my back! I have back problems. Its the only way Im comfortable.
Voldemort: You roll over right now or Ill ILL EAT YOUR PILLOW!
Quirrel: Well, arent we an odd couple?

Song: Different As Can Be

Quirrel: You won't sleep on your tummy,
Voldemort: You want to sleep on your back,
Voldemort & Quirrel: We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree.
Quirrel: We share some hands and fingers,
Voldemort: And yet the feeling lingers.
Voldemort & Quirrel: We're just about as different as anyone could be!
Voldemort: You like plotting a garden, and I like plotting to kill.
Quirrel: You think that you should rule the world,
I think books are a thrill!
Sipping tea by the fire is swell
Voldemort: Pushing people in is fun as well
I like folding all my ties
Quirrel: And you have no friends, hey! Thats a surprise!
Voldemort & Quirrel: So I guess its plain to see
When you look at you and me
Were different
As can be!
Voldemort: Youre a sissy, a twit, a girl! Im the darkest of lords!
Quirrel: Im the brightest professor here, Ive won several awards!
Voldemort: My new world is about to unfold
Quirrel: You got beat by a one year old
Voldemort: Ill kill him this time, through and through

Quirrel: Or you might just give him another tattoo

Voldemort & Quirrel: You really must agree
When you look at you and me
Were different, different
As canVoldemort: Ill rise again and Ill rule the world,
But you must help me renew.
For when our plan succeedsQuirrel: Prevails!
Voldemort: Part of that world goes to you.
Quirrel: When I rule the world Ill plant flowers.
Voldemort: When I rule the world Ill have snakes! And goblins, and werewolves, and giants, and thestrals, a fleet of
dementors, and all my Death Eaters!
Quirrel: (overlapping ) And Jane Austin novels!
Voldemort & Quirrel: When I rule the world!!

Scene 6
(Harry and Hermione are sitting on stage on a bench. Harry has a guitar.)
Hermione: I really think you should be preparing for the first task(Ginny walks on)
Harry: Hey, Ginny, come here.
Ginny: Hey, Harry Potter.
(She sits down on the bench.)
Harry: Listen, I want to play this song Ive been working on. You see, I met this girl that I really, really like and I want to
let her know shes special. Im going to put your name where her name should be, but I dont think its really going to
work out, because- Well, let me just show you.

Song: Ginny
Harry: Youre tall and fun and pretty
Youre really, really skinny
Im the Mickey to your Minnie
Youre hotter than baloney
Want to take you to the city
Going to take you out to dinney
Youre cuter than a guinea pig
Want to take you up to Winnipeg
Thats in Canada!
Ginny Ginny Ginny Ginny-

Harry: You know what? This doesnt work with your name. At all. But how does that make you feel, emotionally?
Ginny: Wow. Wowy. Harry Potter!
Harry: Do you think it could, I dont know, make a girl fall in love with me?
Ginny: (Starry-eyed and obviously in love with Harry) I think it already has.
Harry: Awesome! Because its for Cho Chang!
Ginny: Oh. Yeah. Shes beautiful.
Harry: What, are you nuts? Beautiful? More like super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot! Shes the hottest girl Ive ever met.
Shes far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting than any girl that I know, in my immediate group of
(Ron enters stage left. He jumps over the block and over to Ginny.)
Ron: (motioning to Ginny to scoot over) Move! Move! Move! Move! Move!
(Ginny scoots over and Ron sits down.)
Ron: Hey! Harry! Whats up? So I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid, and apparently hes found this new
shampoo that works great with curly hair! Do you want to go check it out?
Harry: Sure!
Hermione: And then well prepare for the first task?
Harry: (Rolling eyes) Sure.
(They exit, and Ginny is left alone. She picks up the abandoned guitar, and pretends it is Harry.)

Song: Harry
Ginny: The way his hair falls in his eyes
Makes me wonder if hell
Ever see through my disguise
And Im under his spell
Everything is falling,
And I dont know where to land.
Everyone knows who he is,
But they dont know who I am
Harry, Harry,
Why cant you see
What youre doing to me?
Ive seen you conquer certain death
And even when youre just standing there
You take away my breath!
And maybe someday youll hear my song
And understand that all along
Theres something more that Im trying to say
When I say:
Harry, Harry, Harry
Why cant you see
what youre doing to me?
(She sadly walks off)

Scene 7
(Quirrel runs onto stage excitedly and throws off turban)
Quirrel: Master, master, the shipments for the first task of the tournament has arrived.
Voldemort: Yes I know, Quirrel, I hear everything you hear.
Quirrel: Isn't it wonderful, master? We've made sure that Harry Potter's name was drawn from the cup and soon he will
be ours!
Voldemort: Yes! Its really happening, isn't it Quirrel? You know, with the plan going so well, I feel like maybe we
should celebrate. What do you say Quirrel? How about we go out? I hear its Karaoke night down at the Hog's Head.
Quirrel: Well I don't know, I have all these papers to grade and I've been giving so much attention to this revenge plan
that I'm really behind.
Voldemort: Oh just give them all Ps and be done with it.
Quirrel: Now thats evil.
Voldemort: Ah, thats the spirit Quirrel. Put on a fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab your tunic. Quirrel, we are going
to have some fun!
(They exit. Scene changes to Malfoy and Goyle)
Malfoy: Who do you think is the ugliest girl in school?
Goyle: Uh, Buckbeak for sure.
Malfoy: (Nods) Obscure! Do you know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. Do you know
what I'd give her on a scale of 1-10? 1 would be ugliest and 10 would be prettiest. I'd give her an 8. An 8.5. Or a 9.
No, not over a 9.8! Because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone's perfect- like me. Thats
why I'm holding out for a 10.0. Because I'm worth it! Come on, lets go.
(They leave.)
Scene 8
(Voldemort and Quirrel enter, staggering drunkenly)
Quirrel: I thought walking home drunk was hard before
Voldemort: We should have realized that with the both of us drinking into the same belly would get us twice as drunk.
Voldemort: Hey Quirrel! Quirrel, Quirrel Quirrel, Quirrel, Quirrel, Quirrel. I havent had this much fun since I cant
remember ever having this much fun!
Quirrel: Youve never had fun ever? Doing anything? Maybe thats why youre so evil.
Voldemort: I neverI never, ever really ever... I never really ever, ever really ever, considered having another reason
for being so evil, you know? Cause normally I just uhI just kill people who try to get me to open up, you know oops!
But uh, its, its kind of nice to just, um kind of nice to just talk.
Quirrel: Yeah! You know I have to admit I was kind of nervous when you first demanded that you attach yourself to my
Voldemort: Yeah, I could I could sense that. But its actually kind of cool.
Quirrel: Its like having a really close roommate, or even
Voldemort: Yeah, like a slave like a like a death eater.
Quirrel: No! Its like having a friend.
Voldemort: I never had a friend before.
Quirrel: Well it looks like youve got one now.

Scene 9
(Hermione, Harry, and Cho are all on stage. Snape enters.)
Snape: The Hogwarts Champions shall now enter the champions' tent in preparation for the first task.
Harry: Man, I can't believe Ive got to skip lunch for this stupid task.
Hermione: Okay Harry, today's the day, the day of the first task. Now, did you read those notes that I wrote for you on
defensive spells?
Harry: No.
Hermione: What, why not?
Harry: Are you kidding me, they were so boring.
Hermione: So you didn't read them, you didn't prepare at all, you're not prepared at all?
Harry: Well no, but at least I have my wand (Harry checks pockets) um, I brought myHermione: (Hands it to him) Here.
Harry: Hey. You're the best.
Hermione: Harry, just please don't die today. I don't want to see my best friend die.
Harry: Hey, just relax, okay, save the tears for my funeral.
(Draco and Cedric enter together)
Cedric: So tell me more about this Pigfarts, I find it to be very interesting.
Draco: Well, while you're there you have to wear your spacesuit at all times because there's no atmosphere on Mars.
So, if a single docking bay door opens, you'll probably die.
Cedric: My, how dreadful.
Draco: Well, the good news is, if you're a good enough student, Rumbleroar lets you ride around on his back.
Cedric: And he's the Headmaster lion?
Draco: Who can talk.
Cedric: Oh, well hello, Harry, how are you feeling today?
Harry: (Glumly, shooting a glare at Cedric) Hey Cedric, trying to stay positive.
Cedric: Well good, I'm having a fine day myself. Miss Granger.
Hermione: Hello.
(Cho notices Cedric and throws her arms around him)
Cho: Sugar Pie!
Cedric: My darling. Was that for good luck?
Cho: No, that was being so cute! This one's for good luck. (She hugs him again.)
Harry: I hate that guy.
Hermione: It's okay Harry, you're going to be great.
Dumbledore: Hello- (screams in terror) AH! God Granger, I thought you were a boggart. I'm terrified of those things.
And what the hell are you doing in the champions' tent, get out of here. Ten more points!
Harry: Thanks Hermione!
Dumbledore: Are you kids ready to fight a dragon?
Harry: Wait- what? A dragon?
Dumbledore: (Ignoring him and slightly overlapping) Of course not, you're just children. What the hell I'm thinking?
Outside of this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans. They'll either be cheering for you or the dragon,
but either way they're going to be making some kind of noise. So, in order for the selection process to be fair, I am
going to randomly select a card-board cut-out sized version of the dragon you will competing against.
(Hands cut-out to Cedric) For you Cedric, Puff the Magic Dragon.
(Hands cut-out to Cho) Figment the Imaginary Dragon.
(Hands cut-out to Draco) The Reluctant Dragon. And for you Potter, (shouts) the Hungarian Horntail, the most terrifying
thing you've ever seen your whole life!
(Hands cut-out to Harry) If there are no more complaints than I'llHarry: Wait, wait, hold on a second! This is terrifying; those are the cutest things I've ever seen.
Dumbledore: (gestures to Figment the Imaginary Dragon) This thing is horrifying, just use your imagination.
(Dumbledore exits and Ron enters)
Ron: My god, this competition's going to suck all these dragons are wimps. Look at that one- (spots Horntail) OH MY
GOD, MONSTER! Is that yours?
Harry: Yeah.
Ron: Oh my god, it's awesome can I hold it? (takes dragon) Oh my god, this thing is terrifying; I hope the real thing is
smaller. So what are you going to do?
Harry: I don't know, I'm not cut out for thisHermione: Ron, Ron you can't be in here, this is the champions' tent!
(Snape enters)
Snape: Miss Granger, what the devil are you doing in the champions' tent? Ten points from Gryffindor.
Ron: Ugh.
Harry & Ron: Thanks Hermione.
(Hermione exits)
Ron: Hey, good luck buddy. Bye Snape.
Snape: Bye.
(Ron leaves)
Snape: Cedric Diggory, now is your chance to face your dragon.
Cedric: Alright fellas, wish me luck.
Cho: I believe in you!
Cedric: That's all I needed to hear.
(Cedric runs off stage dramatically. Harry sidles up to Malfoy.)
Harry: Malfoy, tell you what, I'll let you switch dragons with me. I'll give you the chance to switch dragons with me; I'll
give you that opportunity.
Malfoy: Um, let think about itno.

Harry: Come on!

Malfoy: Oh no, no.
Snape: Cho Chang, your dragon awaits.
Cho: Well, I can't imagine this will be very hard.
Snape: Then I imagine it won't be.
(Snape and Cho laugh, and Cho skips off).
Harry: Just a little changeover?
Draco: Im not swapping with you, Potter. I like my dragon!
Snape: Draco Malfoy
(Draco exits, shooting a smug smile at Harry)
Harry: Professor Snape, is there any way that I can, I don't know, forfeit or switch dragons or even just take the day
off? (Snape pours ketchup on Harry) What are you doing?
Snape: I'm protecting you Potter. Welsh Greenbacks can't stand the taste of Heinz tomato ketchup.
Harry: But I'm not fighting a Welsh Greenback, I'm fighting a Hungarian Horntail.
Snape: (A false grin spreads of Snapes features and he laughs) Oh, well silly me, Heinz tomato ketchup is what
Hungarian Horntails love best of all. There you go Potter.
(Snape skips off)
Harry: What?
(Ron and Hermione enter and sit on a bench. The others students and champions enter and gather like they are
spectators. Dumbledore stands in the middle.)
Dumbledore: And now Harry Potter will fight the terrifying Hungarian Horntail, the most terrifying thing you'll ever see
your whole life. It should be noted that this particular dragon has not been fed in two weeks.
Hermione: Come on Harry.
Ron: Harry! Woo!
(Dragon appears)
Harry: AHHH! Oh my god, Accio Guitar! (Guitar is thrown to Harry and he catches it)

Song: Hey Dragon

Harry: Hey dragon
You dont got to do this
Lets reevaluate our options
Through away our old presumptions
'Cause really you dont want to go through this
Im really not that special
The boy who lived is only flesh and bone (Aah...)
The truth is in the end
Im pretty useless without friends
In fact Im alone
Just like now
But anyhow, I spend my time at school
Trying to be this cool guy
I never even asked for
I dont know any spells
Still manage to do well
But theres only so long that can last for
Im living off the glory
Of some stupid childrens story
That I, had nothing to do with
Just sat there and got lucky
So level with me buddy
I cant defeat thee
So please dont eat me
All I can do
Is sing a song for you
La la la la laaa
Dragon: Rah rah rah rah rahhhh
Harry: La la la la laaa
Dragon: Rah rah rah rah rahhhh
Harry: La la la la la la laaa
Thats right dragon
You never asked to be a dragon
I never asked to be a champion
We both just jumped on this bandwagon
But all we need in guitar jamming
So la la la la laaa
Dragon: Rah rah rah rah rahhhh
Harry: La la la la la la la laaaa
Good night dragon
(Dragon falls asleep. Harry jumps on it and pins it down)
1, 2, 3!

Scene 10
(Snape is standing on stage, holding a wreath)
Snape: (To audience) Attention all Hogwarts students. Tonight is the Yuleball, so please be ready to pick up your
Yuleball wreath and give it to that special someone.
(Ginny enters)
Snape: (terrified) Ah Ginger!
(He throws the wreath at Ginny, who catches it. Cho enters. Harry comes from other side, and Ginny quickly hides the
wreath behind her back.)
Ginny: (Ginny breathes in hard.) Oh, hey Harry Potter.
Harry: Oh, hey Ginny.
Ginny: Ah so, ah. the Yuleball is coming up I was wondering (she starts to twirl her hair) were you thinking of
going with anybody?
Harry: I was. I was actually just waiting for the right time to ask somebody. I think . I think the times about now, so
ifif you something to say just get it out, cause
(Ginny pulls out the wreath and starts screaming excitedly.)
Harry: Oh, is this for me? Ginny, how did you know that I needed a wreath so I can ask Cho Chang? Youre the best!
Ginny: (starts crying) Oh Harry Potter, just forget it!
(She runs off.)
Harry: (Oblivious) Alright, I will!
(Harry smiles and walks over to Cho Chang. He presents the wreath to her, and she takes it.)
Harry: I know the Yuleballs coming up, and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go with me, but just in case
youre kind of on the fence about it, you should know that I play the guitar.

Song: Ginny, Reprise

Harry : Youre tall and fun and pretty
Youre really, really skinny
Cho Chang
Im the Mickey to your Minnie
Youre the Tigger to my Winnie
Cho Chang
Want to take you to the city
Going to take you out to dinney
(He stops and acts casual.) Whatever.
Cho Chang: Well Harry Potter, bless your heart, but I am going to say no. That strapping young Cedric Diggory has
already asked me.
(She gives the wreath back to Harry)
Cho Chang: Come on girls, let's go show Moaning Myrtle our ball gowns and make fun cause she can't go.
(Cho Chang runs out laughing with/without her girls. Ron enters.)
Ron: Hey there good buddy! How're you doing?
Harry: Okay
Ron: Is that a Yuleball wreath?
Harry: Yeah.
Ron: It sucks.The only two girls that I know that don't have dates are Ginny and Hermione, and I'm not going with my
stupid sister!
Harry: And I think of Hermione as sister, so that's out!
Ron: We are in such a puzzle. I just feel so sorry for Hermione. I mean, no ones going to ask her because shes so ugly.
Harry: Hideous.
(Harry tosses aside the wreath.)
Harry: Forget about it. Lets go to Hagrid. He can teach us how to dance. That can only lead to disaster and hilarity.
(Harry and Ron exit. Enter Draco with dragon head, and Goyle. Goyle picks up the wreath.)
Draco: It was RELUCTANT enough at first. But I lured it out of its cage with an upside down cake and beheaded it with a
quick slicing-charm- what?!? Goyle? What are you doing with that wreath? Would you going to ask someone to the Yuleball?
Goyle: No! Dancings for nerds!
Draco: Right. Do you know who the last girl I'd ask to the Yuleball would be? That Hermione Granger. (Looks into the
distance) Not even if we were the last two people on earth and she looked absolutely stunning in her ballgown and
everytime I looked at her, I got butterflies in my tummy. Not even then. Ugh! They don't even have dances at Pigfarts.
All the noise would disturb Rumbleroars slumbering cubs. Dancing is for pansies.
(Pansy enters on the right.)
Draco: Hey, you there; what's your name?
Pansy: Pansy
Draco: Perfect! You're going to the Yuleball with me. You see that dragon? Well it was reluctant enough at first but I
lured it out of its cage
(They all exit. Quirrelmort enters, carrying a ladle.)
Quirrel: Excuse me, Yuleball decorating team coming through! (Whispers and takes off turban) My Lord, the time has
come to plant the portkey.

Voldemort: (Looking downcast) I know.

Quirrel: Whats the matter? Your plan is finally coming to fruition!
Voldemort: I guess Im just a bit nervous.
Quirrel: Itll go fine, my Lord. Youll kill Harry Potter, get your body back, and the world will be yours to control.
Voldemort: Youre right, Quirrel! You know after this is all over, we should make plans.
Quirrel: Evil plans?
Voldemort: No, just casual plans. Rollerblading. We could watch a movie or something.
Quirrel: And this time well both be able to watch it, because youll have your own face! Now let's go plant that key
and split! Pun intended!
(Quirrel puts turban back on and Snape enters.)
Snape: Oh hi Professor Quirrel. What on earth are you doing in the great Dancehall, just moments before the dance?
Quirrel: Just decorating for the Yuleball.
Snape: With a ladle?
Quirrel: A very special ladle for a very special night for a very special punch.
Snape: And what's so special about it?
Quirrel: Let's just say there's Fanta in it
Snape: Fanta?!? Is that not the favourite drink of one Harry Potter?
Quirrel: Is it? I had no idea! Well wed better be going.
Snape: (catches mistake) We?
Quirrel: I! Id better be going. Loud music hurts my ears!
Snape: Okay well I'll see you later then
Quirrel: Or maybe you won't!
Snape: Or maybe I will!
(Quirrel exits and Dumbledore enters.)
Dumbledore: Severus! Ill save the last dance for you!
Snape: Well I would, headmaster, but you see, well an old friend is coming back into town tonight.
(He looks into the audience and smiles darkly. They exit)

Scene 12
(Cho Chang, Cedric, Harry, Ron, Draco, Goyle, Pansy, Ginny and Neville are on stage, as well as various Hogwarts
Harry: Hey Ron.
Ron: Hey Harry. Have you seen Hermione?
Harry: No, why?
Ron: Nothing, its just I heard Padma saying that Hermione was crying in the bathroom.
Harry: Crying?
Ron: Yeah. Must be because shes so ugly that no guy would ever ask her to the dance.
Harry: Thats so sad.
Ron: Yeah. I mean, it was inevitable that Hermione would eventually realise that no one will ever love her, due to her
obnoxious personality, troll face and misshapen body, but it didnt have to be this night, you know?
(Draco walks over to them.)
Draco: You talking about Granger?
Harry: Malfoy just go away. Dance with Pansy or something.
Draco: (To Pansy) Go and powder your nose.
Pansy: But I just powdered itDraco: Trust me, you need more powder.
(Pansy leaves.)
Draco: So I see Grangers not here. Good job, no one would be able to keep their hors d'uvres down with her ugly
mug floating around.
Ron: Why dont you just leave her alone Malfoy?
Draco: Why so defensive Weasley? Harbouring a crush?
Ron: Why so insulting Malfoy? Covering up a crush?
Draco: As if Id ever fancy that stupid little(Hermione walks in from left in a dress.)
Cho Chang: Oh my gosh! She looks beautiful!

Song: Granger Danger

Ron: Here I am
Face to face
With a situation I never thought I'd ever see
It's strange, how a dress
Can take a mess, and make her nothing less than,
Beautiful to me.
It seems like my eyes have been transfigured

Something deep inside has changed

They've been opened wide but hold that trigger
This could mean
I'm falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
I think I'm falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
With Hermione Granger
Draco: What? What the hell is this?
You expect me to sing about her?
Don't care about her!
It's just a little make-up, Draco wake up!
I'm mistaken.
She is the hottest girl I've ever seen!
Now, because she's like a girl I've never seen
Don't know why, I'd ever be so mean.
This could mean
I'm falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
I could be falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
With Hermione Granger
Ron & Draco: I want to let her know
Draco: I feel so queasy
Ron & Draco: But I can't let it show
Ron: She'd laugh, poor Weasley
Ron & Draco: Come on,
Ron: Ron,
Draco: Draco
Both: You got to let it go
You got to let it go
Ron: (Draco:)
Here I am (What!?!?)
Face to face (What the hell is this?)
With a situation (I want to sing about her)
I never thought I'd ever see (Sing about her)
It's strange (I want to make up)
How a dress (Granger, wake up!)
Can take a mess (I've been mistaken)
And make her nothing less than
Beautiful to me
It seems like my eyes (She is the hottest girl)
Have been transfigured (I've ever seen)
Something deep inside (Now, because she's like)
Has changed (A girl I've never seen)
They've been opened wide (Don't know why)
But hold that trigger (I'd ever be so mean)
This could mean (This could mean)
Both: Danger!
I'm falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
I could be falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love
With Hermione Granger
With Hermione Granger
With Hermione Granger
(Throughout the song Hermione is dancing in the background.)
Ron: (Jealously whilst taking a swig of butterbeer)I cant believe shes dancing with every guy but me, oh my god, this
is so stupid.
Harry: Youve got a crush.
(Ron nods/shakes his head.)
Ron: And I just feel so overwhelmed and my heart is pounding- you know what? I dont care. I just dont care. I am
going to go over there and tell her how much I dont care and she is going to feel so stupid.
Harry: Look, maybe you should lay off the butterbeer.
(Harry tries to wrestle the butterbeer bottle off Ron, but Ron shakes his head stubbornly and wont let go. Harry gives

ask you to dance. Youve just got to give it...her... a chance. You got to go and maybe find something special...the
whole time you just really hadnt the guts to ...say anything. (The whole time he glances over at Ginny as realisation
(Harry starts making his way to Ginny.)
Ron: Where are you going? Where are you going? I am still mad and sad.
Harry: Hold on. HP is going to take his own advice now. (He sits down next to Ginny) Hey Ginny.
Ginny: Oh hey Harry...
Harry: Can I sit down?
Ginny: Yeah sure.
Harry: So how is Hogwarts?
Ginny: I was really excited to come here. But now that I am here I dont feel like I belong.
Harry: Yeah I know what youre talking about.
Ginny: Um no you dont. Youre Harry Potter.
Harry: No I do. For 11 years of my life I lived under a cupboard. And then suddenly it was all like WOAH YOURE A
one really sees you. But you know what. Lets save that conversation for another Yuleball.
(Harry gets up.)
Harry: Do you want to dance? Its the whole point of the evening.
(They get up and begin swaying. On the other side, Ron drunkenly storms across the stage and breaks the joined
hands of Neville and Hermione and drags her to the side.)
Ron: Okay, when you really danced with Shlongbottom, you really crossed the line.
(He hands his butterbeer bottle to Neville.)
Ron: Take this and get out of here. Beat it.
Neville: I dont think I willRon: GO!
(Neville goes.)
Hermione: (Upset) Why are you being so mean to me?
Hermione: Yes you are! You know, every day everyone is trying to put me down and the one day I actually feel
perfect you ruin it!
(Malfoy comes rolling in and stands right up to Ron)
Malfoy: Weasley. The lady said NO!
Hermione: Not you too. You know what, I am so sick of both of you!! I hate you both!!!
(She slaps both on the cheek. She walks away with her head held high and Ron and Malfoy clutch their noses.)
Malfoy: What did you say to her?
Ron: Nothing!
(Ron and Malfoy freeze and Ginny and Harry begin spinning.)
Harry: Im feeling dizzy.
(They stop spinning)
Ginny: We should stop spinning.
Harry: We have.
(They stare into each others eyes.)
Harry: Wait no! I cant do this! Youre Ginny Weasley. Youre my best friends little sister. Im sorry, I cant do it. (Harry
backs off)
Ginny: Harry Potter...
(She runs off crying. Harry goes over to Cho and Cedric who are dancing.)
Harry: Hey Cho! Hey, hey, come on, dance with me! I'm Harry Potter, let's go!
(He starts forcefully dancing with Cho.)
Cedric: Excuse me, I believe I was dancing with the lady!
Harry: Yeah and I'm...cutting in!
Cedric: Well, I FIND that to be very rude!
Harry: Alright, Cedric, why don't we FIND out, what the lady has to say about it?
(He stops dancing and looks questioningly at Cho.)
Cho: Oh, Godrics Hollow. All this excitement is making me thirsty!
Harry: Cho! I'll get you something to drink! I'll get you some punch!
Cedric: No! I'll get the punch!
Harry: No, I'll get the punch!
Cedric: Fine! Have the punch!
(He punches Harry. Harry picks up the ladle and aims at Cedric.)
Harry: Cedric Diggory, I'm going to kill you!!!
(Cedric grabs hold of the ladle to stop him, and they begin to spin as they are portkeyd away.)

Scene 14
(Cedric and Harry stand up and look around. They are in a graveyard, and a cauldron is set up centre-stage.)
Cedric: Where are we?
Harry: I dont know Cedric. Someone punched me and my sense of direction got a little messed up.
Cedric: Well, it seems clear to me now that the punch ladle was a Portkey and now thanks to you we've both been
transported to some mystery location.
Harry: Brilliant Cedric, well, you're a Hufflepuff. Why don't you find us a way out of this place?
Cedric: (Inspecting gravestone) Harry, I think I found something! It appears to be a headstone. We must be in some
sort of graveyard. Tom Riddle, Mary Riddle, Thomas Riddle. Riddle me this, eh Potter?
Harry: Cedric, I don't know about this place. I think we got to get out of here.

Cedric: Harry, you're a Gryffindor, where's your sense of adventure?

Harry: God! Cedric, you're so annoying! Okay? You're like this guy that's just around all the time when I don't need a
guy around. You're the spare guy all the time. The spare dude. You're such a spare!
(Enter Death Eaters, Bellatrix and Quirrelemort with turban on)
Voldemort: Kill the spare!
Quirrel: Avada Kedavra!
Cedric: (Collapsing to the ground) So many regrets, I'm dead!
Harry: Oh my wizard god!
Quirrel: Not so fast, Petrificus Totalus!
(Harry freezes)
Harry: Professor Quirrel, you just killed Cedric!
Quirrel: Not I Potter, but perhaps you'd like to see who did. He's dying to see you.
(Quirrel takes off the turban and spins around to reveal Voldemorts face to the audience)
Harry: AH!
Voldemort: Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, it's good to see you again.
Death Eater 1: The cauldron is ready my Lord.
Harry: Cauldron; what are you guys going to do, eat me? Gross!
Voldemort: As delicious a dish as I think you'd make Potter, I'd need a stomach of my own to digest you. I haven't got
one of those yet.
(Quirrel steps into the cauldron. Snape dressed as a Death Eater steps forward. He cuts off his hand and drops it into
the cauldron.)
Snape: (sounds of pain) It's working! Detention Potter!
Harry: Detention? This guy's almost as big an asshole as Snape.
(Voldemort steps out of the cauldron, along with Quirrel. Voldemorts plan has worked.)
Quirrel: It worked!
Voldemort: Hahahahaha! Finally!

Song: To Dance Again

Voldemort: When I was a boy
An orphan boy
I'd love to move my feet
I'd hear a tune and start to swoon
My life would seem complete
The other boys would laugh and jeer
But I'd catch em tappin their toes
Cause when I'd start to sway, they'd get carried away,
And oh, how the feeling grows
I'd take my foot
My little foot
And with that foot
Oh, how I'd start to shake
I'd take two feet
Two tiny feet
Hey look! That's neat!
It's coming true
I finally get to dance again! Wahoo!
To dance again
I've been waiting all these years
To dance again
Now, at once, a chance appears
To hear the beat, so on your feet
Its time to dance again!
Voldemort:Cmon Potter! Imperio!
(Harry begins to dance, puppet-like)
Voldemort: You take your foot
Your little foot
Hey look! Your foot!
See how it starts to shake
Quirrel: Ooh try his arms!
How bout a twirl!
He's like a girl!
How overdue!
I finally get to dance again with you!
Voldemort & (Quirrel): To dance again!
I've (you've) been waiting all these years
To dance again
Now at once a chance appears
Its lovely swaying, and the music's playing
Come on! Lets dance again!
Voldemort: Everybody now!

Death Eaters : I take my foot!

(Voldemort: You take your foot)
My little foot!
(Voldemort: Take that little foot!)
And oh my foot!
(Voldemort: Lemme hear it now!)
Look how it starts to shake
Oh, Voldy's back
(Voldemort: Hello world!)
For the attack
(Voldemort: Im going to getcha!)
He'll take over the world, its true
But first there's something hes got to do
All: He'll dance again!
He's been waiting all these years
To dance again
Now at once a chance appears
Voldemort: Everybody make way for a pas de bourre
All: It's time to dance
It's time to dance
Its time to dance again!
(Bellatrix Lestrange runs forward, throws off her black cloak and falls to the ground in a reverent bow)
Bellatrix Lestrange: My Dark Lord! You look fabulous!
Voldemort: Bellatrix Lestrange. It is great to have you back
Bellatrix Lestrange: Oh my Liege! Now it's going to be like the old days when we did nothing but torture and murder!
It was a pain without you.
Voldemort: Well I'm never going again! 'Cause I've conquered death, baby! And my first pleasure will be to KILL Harry
Potter! Then next to take over the Ministry of Magic and rule the world - FOR ALL TIME!
Bellatrix Lestrange: And you will my lord! But not yet! For now we must stick to the plan. We blame Potter's murder
on Quirrel. So that your return may remain a secret.
Quirrel: I'm sorry! What was that about me going to Azkaban for Potter's murder?
Voldemort: No! No Quirrel that ah. That came out wrong! It's not like that.
Quirrel: Isn't it?
Bellatrix Lestrange: Oh silence slave! Crucio!
(Quirrel collapses to the ground in pain)
Voldemort: Oh, no, no, no!
Bellatrix Lestrange: What's the matter? He's your pawn- you are his queen! It is an honour to serve the Dark Lord NO
(Voldemort walks over to Quirrel and bends down)
Voldemort: Are you alright?
Quirrel: Did you really know the whole time you would blame Potter's murder on me?
Voldemort: I knew.
(Voldemort stretches out a hand)
Quirrel: (Recoils) Don't touch me!
Voldemort: But things have changed over the last year, I feel different for you now!
Quirrel: I dont care!
Voldemort: Well I wish there was another way. But I've got to take over the world!
Bellatrix Lestrange: Death Eaters, take him away!
(The Death Eaters drag Quirrel offstage away to Azkaban.)
Bellatrix Lestrange: And now you what you waited for for so long
Voldemort: What?
Bellatrix Lestrange: Your chance to kill Harry Potter!
Voldemort: Yes! Kill Potter!
(Harry picks up the ladle and Cedric.)
Potter: You won't kill me today Voldemort- but I tell you what? I'll get you some punch!
(Harry and Cedric are transported back to school. Death Eaters exit, and Hogwarts students plus Dumbledore enter.)
Ginny: Oh my Rowling! What happened Harry Potter?
Dumbledore: Harry, what the hell are you doing over here? You missed the raffle!
(Snape runs in, throwing off his Death Eater cloak.)
Snape: What happened in the graveyard?
Harry: It's - it's Voldemort! It's Voldemort! Hes back!



Scene 1
(Newsreader enters)
Newsreader: Extra! Extra! Boy who killed Voldemort says hes back! Minister of Magic makes a statement!
Fudge: Ive heard these rumours, and I for one simply dont believe them.
Newsreader: Voldemort blogs about it on his YouTube channel.
Voldemort: Im going to find Harry Potter and Im gonna kill him!
Newsreader: Also, a review on 17 Again. Well it was a little slow at first but come on, Zac Efron. Zefron! Enough said.
Newsreader: Quirinus Quirrel confesses to murder of Hogwarts student Cedric Diggory. Sentenced to life in Azkaban!
Read all about it! Read all about it!
(Newsreader exits and Harry and Ron enter. Cho, Pansy and Neville are in the background.)
Harry: This completely sucks.
Ron: Yeah I know man.
Harry: (holds up newspaper) Yeah, look at this: Harry vs. Voldemort, fight of the century.
Ron: No not that. Its Hermione, man. Its like I have these pains in my chest and I just know its her fault, that witch!
Im just not cut out for this, Im not!
Harry: Yeah man, I know. Its like the whole world is against you.
Ron: No, no, no, no, no, this isn't about you. Why does every conversation we have, have to turn into Potter Talk?
Harry: It's not Potter Talk
Ron: No, I'm miserable and all you can do is talk about yourself. You're like the most self-absorbed guy I know. If you
were miserable, I would be there for you but you won't even listen to me and I'm sick of it. So-so-so good luck with
whatever you were talking about and I hope that you and Voldemort live happily ever after because me, I am never
going to be happy again. So I'm just going to go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days.
(Ron storms off, and Hermione just misses him, grabbing onto Harrys shoulder.)
Hermione: Were you just talking to Ron?
Harry: Yeah, I was trying to tell him about VoldemortHermione: Well, did he say anything about me?
Harry: Uh, yeah he said thatHermione: Well, was one of them an apology for how he treated me at the Yule Ball?
Harry: Um yeah, I heard about that, listen I was wondering maybe you heard about a little something, I don't know,
that Voldemort's back! Cedric Diggory is dead, Professor Quirrel was crazy and now I have to save the world! Did you
hear about that Hermione?
Hermione: Actually I have heard those things Harry, about a thousand times but never had they been told to me with
so much sass. Drop the attitude Harry Potter. You are acting like Garfield on a Monday.
Harry: Well don't you think I have a right to be a little stressed out?
Hermione: No, no I don't. You know what? This is just like with the first task, okay? I stressed out, I told you to prepare
and yet you didn't do anything and you were fine. You know you just played your little guitar and I mean I don't know
what you're crying about Harry. This is just like when you defeated Voldemort when you were a baby.
Harry: Hermione, come on, you're the friend that's supposed to tell me to go to the library and try to figure this stuff
Hermione: You know what Harry? I don't do that anymore. (She goes over to talk with Cho.)
(Draco skips in with a newspaper and waves it in Harrys face.)
Draco: Read it and weep Potter! I heard Voldemort's back and he's trying to kill you. What do you think about that,
Harry: Malfoy, I honestly don't see why you're so happy about this. If Voldemort is back, which he is, you might as well
kiss Hogwarts goodbye. You might as well kiss the planet good bye.
Draco: Kiss the planet goodbye? Having second thoughts about Pigfarts are you? You know what, as soon as you're out
of the way, I'll be the coolest kid in school
Hermione: Malfoy that will never happen. Everybody hates you.
Malfoy: Oh right, okay this coming from Hermione Stranger.
Pansy: She's right Malfoy, she's cooler than you know.
Cho: Yeah, even Moaning Myrtle is cooler than you.
(Draco starts crying. Snape enters. He has a hook from where he cut his hand off.)
Snape: What the devil is going on here? Draco Malfoy, stop that blubbering at once!
Draco: Professor, I was justSnape: I don't want to hear it. I need to see you in my office, now.
Draco: This is all your fault Potter. You'll pay for this, you'll all pay!
(Snape and Draco exit. Ginny enters.)
Harry: Hey Ginny, what's up? Hey, I hope you have something to say about Voldemort.
Ginny: Who?
Harry: Whatever. I'm fine.
Ginny: Um, hey Harry, um so we had a moment at the Yule Ball and well, I thought we were gonna be together forever.
But we're not.
Harry: Yeah, that uh, pretty much sums it up.
Ginny: What's going on?
Harry: Ginny, this is what's going on. Don't you get it? Everyone is in danger who is dear to me. We can't be together
because if Voldemort is back, which he is, then you're in mortal peril.
Ginny: I'm such an idiot. (She runs off crying)
(Dumbledore sneaks in, wearing a different beard.)
Dumbledore: Hey, psst, Potter, it's me, it's me.
Harry: Who are you?
Dumbledore: It's Dumbledore.
Harry: Oh.

Dumbledore: Listen, Harry, I've got some very important things I have to tell you.
Harry: Oh, about Voldemort?
Dumbledore: Yes, it's absolutely crucial for you to know, but I can't get into it right now. You need to meet me at my
office at ten o'clock and come by yourself. Bring that uh, Invisibility Cloak of yours. Don't go blabbing your mouth about
this to anybody. From now on the only people you can trust Harry are me and Severus Snape.
Harry: Listen Dumbledore, I know you don't want to hear this but Im not so sure about Snape. I think, uh I'm pretty
sure he's working for Voldemort.
Harry: No, no, I'm positive that night in the graveyard some Death Eater cut off his hand and Snape shows up without
a hand, what is that?
Dumbledore: Oh cock-a-maybe, Snape has ensured me that he lost his hand in an entirely unrelated incident.
Harry: Dumbledore, why do you trust Snape so much?
Dumbledore: (Quickly) Because I love him.
Harry: Professor, I
Dumbledore: Hey, I don't wanna hear anything else about it. There is no way that Severus Snape is, was or shall be a
servant of Voldemort's.

Scene 2
(Snape walks onto stage, where he is blocked by two Death Eaters)
Snape: All hail Voldemort!
Death Eater 1: Severus Snape, what are you doing here?
Death Eater 2: I ought to Jelly-Legs Jinx you right now, traitor.
Snape: Dont be goofy with me, Im here to see Voldemort.
Death Eater 1: I thought you deserted the Death Eaters when the Dark Lord lost his body?
Death Eater 1: I heard you had your Dark Mark laser-surgically removed.
Snape: Oh, well if you two know so much about me, you should write a biography, Snape: The Double Agent! That's
right; I've always been a servant of Voldemort's. I've simply been working undercover finding out valuable information
such as the inner workings of Hogwarts, the roster of the Order of the Phoenix, and finding out what exactly a true
Hufflepuff is anyway. And I would like to see my master.
Death Eater 1: Of course, right away Severus.
Snape: Good, I'll be in the drawing room, painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces.
(The Death Eater pokes his head through the door, where Voldemort is sitting.)
Death Eater 1: Sir, Severus Snape is at the door and importunes access to you.
Voldemort: Severus Snape, see him in.
(Snape walks in)
Snape: Is that a new body my Lord? You look absolutely ravishing.
Voldemort: Severus, you had better have some good news.
Snape: My Lord, you know for years we have been trying to get Death Eaters into the castle. For years we have been
trying to sneak Death Eaters onto the grounds of Hogwarts, well I think I finally discovered a way how.
Voldemort: Well, by all means Snape, tell me.
Snape: I can't.
Voldemort: Can't? Why not?
Snape: I made an Unbreakable Vow not to let any Death Eaters in.
Voldemort: Unbreakable Vows, I hate those.
Snape: I know, but I had to do it in order to convince Dumbledore of my loyalty.
Voldemort: Yes Snape, I understand. Well if you can't help me, what do you propose we do?
Snape: Well, I can't tell you, but I've brought along someone who can.
(Draco enters)
Draco: All hail Lord Voldemort.
Voldemort: Hahahaha! Are you serious? Help from a child, you've got to be kidding me?
Draco: (Holds off arm which has a smiley face with a snake coming out of the mouth on it) Oh, if this homemade Dark
Mark won't convince you, then at least hear me out.
Voldemort: Okay, okay, okay, how do you propose you get my Death Eaters into your little daycare center, and don't
suggest the giant slide or a trampoline because we've already tried those.
Draco: The vents, you're Death eaters shall enter through the ventilation system of Hogwarts.
Voldemort: Duh! The vents! Ugh, how do we find these vents?
Draco: Oh, I'll tell you how to get to the vents, but first we discuss the subject of payment.
Voldemort: Ah, the catch, there's always a catch. There's nothing in this world so cruel and demanding as the soul of a
child. What do you want?
Draco: I want a galaxy-traversing rocket ship with enough fuel to get me to Mars.
Voldemort: What do you want with a rocket ship? What business do you have on Mars?
Draco: Let's just say
Pigfarts, Pigfarts,
Here I come.
Pigfarts, Pigfarts,
Yum, yum, yum!
Snape: With all due respect my Lord there is one tiny flaw in that flawless plan, Albus Dumbledore.
Voldemort: Ah, you're right Snape. Normally I'd say let's kill him, but I haven't been feeling so evil lately. So here's how
it's gonna break down Milfoy. I need your guarantee that you'll lead my Death Eaters into Hogwarts. I will
simultaneously be attacking the Ministry of Magic. Now I need you to promise that by the end of the siege of Hogwarts,
Dumbledore will be dead-leave Harry Potter for me, but Dumbledore must die. Do we have a deal?

Draco: We shall shake on itan Unbreakable Vow.

(They spit on their palms and shake)
Voldemort: By the end of tomorrow night, Albus Dumbledore will be dead?
Draco: Yes, and I'll have my rocket ship?
Voldemort: When the technology is available.
Draco: And-you-have-to-be-my-slave-for-a-whole-day-starting-now!
Voldemort: No! You little weed! He got me. He got me oh, that is so embarrassing. That's the second time that that's
Draco: Oh, there are so many things I'm going to have you do for me. You're going to clean my room, and lay out my
knickers, and you're going to tape Wizards of Waverly Place for me!
Voldemort: Ah, I hate chores!
Draco: Meanwhile, I'll be busy with a murder.

Scene 3
(Harry and Hermione enter)
Hermione: Harry, why would Dumbledore want to meet us so late at night?
Harry: Well, he's got some information to tell us about Voldemort. Did you bring the Invisibility Cloak?
Hermione: Ive got it right here, but(Ron enters, not spotting Hermione.)
Ron: Alright Harry, this better be good because I don't have a snack and I'm missing Wizards of Waverly Place for this,
okay? So what do we have to do that is so dam(Ron and Hermione spot each other)
Hermione: You know what, I am leaving.
Harry: Oh no, no, no, no, no you're not. No, you're not. When I said I needed your help, I meant the both of you. So you
guys have got to get over these hurt feelings before somebody else gets hurt, okay?
(Dumbledore enters, looking secretive)
Dumbledore: Hello Harry- oh goddamn it! I told you to come by yourself. Why did you have to bring the fans?
Harry: Dumbledore, Ron and Hermione are my best friends and if this information is as important as you say it is then
they have a right to hear.
Dumbledore: Well, I've been wrong before. Get in here!
(They step into his office.)
Dumbledore: Sorry the place is such a sty.
(Harry, Ron and Hermione spot a Zac Effron poster on the wall)
Ron: Oh my god, that is amazing.
Harry: It's awesome.
Dumbledore: Isn't he the greatest? Whenever I see him, he seems like such a charismatic humanitarian.
Harry: You think you like him? Wrong, because I love him the most; Harry Potter loves Zac Efron more than anybody
else on the planet. Anyway, that's not what we're here to talk about. We're here to talk about Voldemort.
Dumbledore: Harry's right, if you want to defeat this guy you're going to have to know about Horcruxes.
Hermione: What is a Horcrux?
Dumbledore: A Horcrux is one of the most terrifying pieces of magic that a wizard can create. It's actually when a
wizard takes a piece of his soul and puts into something else.
Ron: Why would anybody ever want to do that?
Dumbledore: If you have a Horcrux, you can never truly die. Your body can be dead but your soul can live on.
Hermione: It makes sense now, Harry! Everyone knows that the night your parents were killed that Voldemort was
destroyed, but somehow he survived. He must've had a Horcrux!
Dumbledore: He didn't just have one Horcrux, he had six of them!
.Harry: (In disbelieving horror) Six?
Dumbledore: I've already handily killed the first five for you, so don't worry about that. But you guys have to find the
last one with this.
(Dumbledore holds up a sword)
Hermione: The Sword of Godric Gryffindor! Godric Gryffindor was one of the four Founders of Hogwarts. If anything
can destroy a Horcrux, that sword is it.
Harry: Okay, we know what a Horcrux is, that's all well and good, but how can we find it? Where are they? Where's the
last one? Where is it?
Dumbledore: You find them with this. (He holds up a medallion.)
Ron: Whoa!
Dumbledore: This is actually a Horcrux seeking medallion.
Harry: Wait, that's a Horcrux seeking medallion? That sounds a little too convenient.
Dumbledore: You dont have a problem with a Time Turner, but you have one with a Horcrux-seeking medallion? Look,
youve just got to find the Horcrux and you've got to destroy it.
(There is a bang from offstage)
Dumbledore: It must be the Death Eaters. They're coming to kill me. Kids, get your beards on.
(He puts on a false beard)
Hermione: We don't have any beards!
Harry: We have the Invisibility Cloak!
Dumbledore: Oh, well put that on, it's not a beard, but itll do.
(They throw the Invisibility Cloak over them as the Death Eaters rush on stage with their wands raised.)
Death Eater 1: Hey, are you Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: No, no you see I've got this beard on.

Death Eater 1: Alright everybody, spread out and look for Dumbledore.
(The three Death Eaters search for Dumbledore)
Death Eater 2: He's got to be around here somewhere.
Dumbledore: Be careful with the Zac Efron poster, it's an antique.
Death Eater 1: Why do you care so much about Zefron?
Dumbledore: I just appreciate his charms and hair.
Harry: Yeah, but everyone knows I like him best!
Ron: Oh my God, shut up.
Death Eater 2: What was that? Is it an invisible man? Begin an invisible man search!
(The Death Eaters begin to search, waving their arms in front of their faces blindly. They almost bump into Harry, Ron
and Hermione.)
Dumbledore: (Removing beard) Alright it's me. It's Dumbledore.
Death Eater 2: (Jumping back in shock.) Dumbledore, where'd you come from?
Dumbledore: The man with the beard turned me in. How did you get in?
Death Eater 1: We had the help from a man on the inside. Someone who you trusted, someone you may have even
Harry: Slughorn?
Hermione: Lockhart?
Dumbledore: Aberforth, my brother?
(Draco struts in)
Draco: No, it was me.
(They gasp.)
Draco: That's right Dumbledore. I betrayed everyone and now I'm going to kill you.
Dumbledore: No you're not. Draco, there are other options. You know it's time that you looked inside yourself and
figured out what it is you really want.
Draco: I want Hermione Grangerand a rocket ship.
Dumbledore: Then why didn't you just take the girl out for Happy Meal and go to space camp? Come on, murder leads
to a life of despair and desperation. I know you're going to do that right thing.
(Snape storms in)
Snape: What the devil is going on here?
Dumbledore: Severus, thank god.
Snape: Well, what are we waiting for? Kill him! Do it Draco.
Draco: I don't think I can.
Snape: Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!
Dumbledore: Severus, I don't understand. I gave you my heart.
Snape: I didnt want it. Avada Kedavra!
(Dumbledore falls to the ground, dead. The Death Eaters cheer and leave the room, Draco a little sadly.)
Harry: (Removing the cloak.) I hate Snape, I hate Snape, I hate Snape. I hate him. I'm gonna kill him.
Hermione: It's not your fault Harry!
Harry: No, it is my fault, don't you understand? Everybody is dying because of me. First Cedric and now Dumbledore, I
can't do it anymore! Don't you get it? I have to do this by myself. I can't have you guys be near me, you're too much at
Hermione: No, we don't care about the risk!
Harry: No, you don't understand, you have to get away from me.
Ron: You can't mean that.
Harry: I do. Just leave me alone!
(Harry runs off.)

Scene 4
(Voldemort enters to see Fudge sitting at his desk. Fudge stands.)
Voldemort: Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic!
Fudge: I still don't believe you're back.
Voldemort: Believe this Fudge, Avada Kedavra!
Fudge: (Clutching chest and collapsing) Oh! A heart-attack, surely.
(Bellatrix runs in)
Bellatrix: WOOO! YES! The Ministry has fallen! Yes! Now you're the Minister, nay, the King of All Magic!
Voldemort: Yes, Quirrel, I suppose I am.
Bellatrix: Alright, that's the dozenth time you've called me that.
Voldemort: No, I uh, I called you a squirrel. I called you a squirrel.
Bellatrix: No, you're thinking of that peon that we sent to Azkaban.
Voldemort: (Angrily) He's not a peon. More of a man than you'll ever be.
Bellatrix: I can't do this. If I'm going to be evil with all of you, then I have to be evil with all of you.
Voldemort: Evil with all of me? What does that mean? I'm all right here.
Bellatrix: No, there are pieces of you missing.
Voldemort: Are you talking about my Horcruxes? 'Cause if it weren't for those I wouldn't even be here right now!
(Bellatrix storms out. The scene switches to Harry, who is kneeling on the ground clutching his Invisibility Cloak. Quirrel
stands on the other side of the stage, dressed in prison uniform.)

Song: Missing You

Harry: I can't remember Dad
And I cant remember Mum
Aunts and uncles aren't quite the same
But I had him, and life seemed fair
Yes, when I had him, he was there
To give me strength, show concern
Ask for nothing in return
Say hello, talk me through
Do the things that fathers should do
And I'm missing you
I'm just missing you
Quirrel : There it is, he's gone
And he's hung me out to dry
The joy he said he felt, well, I guess it was a lie
But when I had him, my life was fine
When I had him, he was mine
He'd share his thoughts, be a friend
Stick with me until the end
Watch a movie, roller-skate
Fill the world with fear and hate
Harry & Quirrel : And Im missing you
Im just missing you
Now I'm all alone
Now you're gone for good
Now I'm stuck right here wishing I understood
Harry : You gave me hope when my spells weren't right
Quirrel: You gave me someone to hold every night
And I'm missing you
Harry : I'm just missing you
Quirrel : I'm just missing you
Harry : I'm just missing you

(Death Eater 1 runs in.)

Death Eater 1: My Dark Lord, news from Severus Snape, Dumbledore is dead and the Dementors have control the
castle. Hogwarts is yours, my Dark Lord.
Voldemort: Excellent! Prepare my flying machine. Looks like I'm going back to Hogwarts.

Scene 5
(Harry is sitting morosely on a chair. Ginny creeps in and spots him.)
Ginny: Harry!
Harry: Ginny, what are you doing here? Get out of here.
Ginny: No, there's no place to go, the Death Eaters are all over the castle.
Harry: I know and they're looking for me and if they find me you're going to be with me and you're going to get in
trouble. Get out of here!
Ginny: What are you going to do?
Harry: I don't know Ginny, I'm not cut out for this kind of thing.
Ginny: You have to do something. I don't know what you can do but you can to do it. You're Harry Potter.
Harry: NO!
Ginny: You're the Boy-Who-Lived!
Harry: No Ginny, you don't get it! None of you guys get itI'm just a thirteen year old. I'm sorry but I'm alone. It's

Song: Not Alone

Ginny: I've been alone
Surrounded by darkness
And I've seen how heartless
The world can be.
And I've seen you crying
You felt like it's hopeless
I'll always do my best
To make you see

'Cause baby, you're not alone

'Cause you're here with me
And nothings ever gonna bring us down
'Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you
And you know it's true
It dont matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
Now I know it isnt easy
( Harry : No it isnt easy)
But it isnt hard trying
( Harry : Its so hard trying)
Every time I see you smiling
And I feel you so close to me
Tell me.
Ginny & Harry: That baby you're not alone
'Cause youre here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down
Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you
And you know it's true
It dont matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
Harry: Now I still have trouble
I trip and stumble
Trying to make sense of things some times
I look for reasons
But I dont need 'em
All I need is to look in your eyes
And I realize

(Ron and Hermione enter)

Ron: Hey Harry!
Harry: You guys came back.

Harry, Ron, Hermione & Ginny: Baby you're not alone

'Cause you're here with me
And nothings ever gonna take us down
'Cause nothing can keep me from lovin' you
And you know it's true
It dont matter what'll come to be
Our love is all we need to make it through
Harry: Cause it dont matter what'll come to be
Harry, Ron, Hermione & Ginny: Our love is all we need
Ron: To make it
Hermione: To make
Ginny: To make
Harry: To make
Harry, Ron, Hermione & Ginny : It through

Hermione: Okay, now that we got that four-part harmony out of the way, weve got to look for that Horcrux.
Ron: Well, it could be anywhere. If I had a Horcrux, I would drop it in the bottom of the ocean or I would put it in a
pyramid with King Tut and all of his jewels. Or I would blast it into space with a monkey who knew nothing about
Hermione: Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British countryside. Our search could entail months
of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, to drinking boatloads of Polyjuice Potion.
Harry: (Holding up medallion) Well, the medallion says that's dumb, so we're not going to do that. But it does say it's
in one convenient place, get this, Hogwarts.
Ron: That's awesome, I love Hogwarts.
Harry: Even better, it's in Dumbledore's office.
Ron: Ah, awesome.
Harry: So let's go, wait a second.
(They all start to leave, when Harry pauses)
Harry: Wait a second, hold the phone, how did you get here? Death Eaters are all over Hogwarts.
Ginny: Oh, I had help.
Ron: From who?
(Ginny squeals as Malfoy enters sheepishly.)
Ron: Malfoy!
Ginny: Oh, no, no, no, he's really nice now.

Draco: Yeah, um, I just wanted to say that song you guys sang was really beautiful and um, while I was backstage, I
was working out my high voice and thought maybe I could join you, but you wrapped it up before I could chime in
there. Maybe if you do a reprise I could have a little go at it. But as Ginny said, I'm really nice now and I just feel awful
about what happened but I mean, could you argue that this was my fault?
Ron: Absolutely.
Harry: Of course.
Hermione: Yes.
Draco: Yeah, that would be a safe argument. But let me ask you one question: do you think I'm happy about this?
Ron: Oh my god, Malfoy just because you're upset doesn't mean you're off the hook.
Draco: Yes, but wait! I can teach you how to get into Dumbledore's office. It's ironically the same way the Death Eaters
got in.
Hermione: Okay, why don't you boys head off to Dumbledore's office, okay, and Ginny and I will take the Invisibility
Cloak and we will see if we can contact the Order of the Phoenix. We really haven't seen them the whole play.
Harry: That's a good plan, (they start to leave, and Malfoy tries to take his arm) don't touch me, let's get out of here,
let's go.
(Ginny, Harry and Malfoy leave)
Ron: Hey, Hermione, c'mere, come down stage. Um, alright, soI've been acting like a real jerk lately. You know that,
and uh, and I'm sorry. It's just seeing you dance with everyone at the Yule Ball just made me kind of jealous. Um, I was-I
was jealous.
Hermione: You were jealous? (she shakes herself back to reality) Okay, Ron we don't really have to talk about this
right now.
Ron: Well, what if the Death Eaters get us? What if we don't' come back, you know?
Hermione: Ron, don't say that.
(They go to kiss, but stop awkwardly, before hugging.)
(They run off)

Scene 6
(Harry, Ron and Draco enter Dumbledores office. Draco notices the Zac Efron poster.)
Draco: Do you not see this Zefron poster?
Harry: We already know about it. Listen, Malfoy, it's not that big of a deal, can we just look for some Horcruxes please?
Ron: Roger. (Holds up pencil holder) Is this thing of pencils a Horcrux?
Harry: (holds medallion up) No.
Draco: That it? (Harry holds medallion up to where Draco is holding a drawer)
Harry: Nope.
Ron: Is this a Horcrux?
Harry: Nope.
Ron: Ugh, this could take forever, there are so many things in this room. The only thing with real value? That Zefron
Harry: Wait a second
Draco: No.
Harry: You don't think- no. Anything relating to Zac Efron would never be anything evil.
Ron: Of course.
Harry: (Holds up the medallion.) Ron, kill it. Kill it; it's the last Horcrux! Kill it, Ron!
Draco: Don't kill it, it's Zefron!
Ron: I know, he's so charismatic! But AAAH! (Ron hits the Zefron poster with the sword many, many times)
Harry: Do it again.
(Ron hits the Zefron poster a couple more times before collapsing)
Draco: (picks up the Zefron poster) Oh you can put some tape on this, it's fine. Well um, listen chaps, as fun as this
was, I thought destroying the Horcrux would be much harder.
Harry: Yeah, me too.
Ron: When you think about it? Horcruxes are just kind of stupid.
(Bellatrix runs in, followed by Death Eaters 1 and 2. Death Eater 1 holds Hermione and Death Eater 2 holds Ginny.)
Bellatrix: Wands down boys!
Draco: How did you idiots get captured? You were invisible!
Hermione: Sorry!
Bellatrix: Do it Potter or they die!
Harry: Well, it looks like we have our backs against the wall with nowhere to go. Put your swords down and
wands. (They all drop their weapons)
Bellatrix: Ah, look at Baby Potter, giving orders to his itty bitty diaper friends.
Harry: I'm not a baby. I'm thirteen.
(Snape enters.)
Snape: What the devil is going on here?
Bellatrix: Welcome Snape! We have Potter and his friends at last.
Hermione: Oh, you are a very mean person!
Ron: Yeah, Dumbledore trusted you! Youre a big fat traitor, Snape.
Snape: Oh, a traitor, am I Potter? You're exactly right. I am a traitor because I'm about to betray someone. Right now
hiyah! (punches Death Eater 2, freeing Ginny.)
Bellatrix: Expelliarmus! Bombarda!
Snape: (Drops his wand and falls to the ground) No!
Bellatrix: Oh, don't even think about moving or Ill kill you! Now come on Potter, you're coming with me. Only the Dark
Lord has the right to kill you. Come on!

(Mrs Weasley runs in, wand raised.)

Mrs. Weasley: Kids!
Ginny and Ron: Mom?
Harry: Mrs. Weasley?
Bellatrix: Who the hell are you?
Mrs. Weasley: I'm Molly Weasley and those are my kids. Avada Kedavra!
(Bellatrix dies)
Ron: Holy shit, Mom you just killed her. I thought you were going to tuck in her shirt or make her do the dishes.
Mrs. Weasley: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Even the unforgivable can be considered forgivable
Ginny: What are you doing here?
Mrs. Weasley: I came here with the Order of the Phoenix: Lupin, Tonks, Mad-Eye Moody, Sirius Black, and your brother
Ron: Oh great, where are they?
Mrs. Weasley: They're all dead. Anyway, just came here to save your lives, go back to what you were doing.
(Mrs. Weasley runs off)

Scene 7
Hermione: (kneels on the ground next to Snape) Professor!
Harry: Maybe we can still save him.
Hermione: Theres a hole straight through his stomach, Harry, theres nothing we can do!
Snape: Potter, she's right. It's too late for me now. Before I go, I need to tell you there is another Horcrux!
Hermione: How can that be? All six Horcruxes have been destroyed!
Snape: No, no, there's a seventh.
Ron: I really hope it's not an Ashley Tisdale poster, I can't do that.
Snape: Check the medallion.
Harry: (Checks the medallion) It doesn't say anything.
Snape: Give it to Granger.
(Harry hands Hermione the medallion)
Hermione: Wait a minute, it says there's one right here, but I don't understand.
Snape: Harry, the night Voldemort killed your parents, he tried to destroy you, but his body was destroyed instead.
When that happened, a part of his soul was blasted away from the whole and attached itself to you. Voldemort can
never truly die until all of the Horcruxes have been destroyed.
Hermione: But, if Harry's a Horcrux, I mean, does Harry has to be destroyed?
Harry: There's got to be another way.
Snape: No, Potter, I'll show you what you need to do. Watch very carefully. (dies)
Draco: He didn't even do anything.
Harry: It's because he's dead you dumb elf.
(The scene changes to Voldemort)
Voldemort: (taps wand on the floor then places it against his throat) People of Hogwarts, my Death Eaters have taken
the castle and your Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is dead. Continue to resist and you will all be killed one by one. But,
there need not be war between us, you've all fought so valiantly and I'm willing to offer you positions in my new world
orderas my slaves. Give up now and be forgiven. I command my Death Eaters to stand down. Now, Harry Potter, I
speak directly to you. If you do not wish for those close to you to continue to suffer and die on your behalf, you will
come face me yourself. I'll be waiting for you in the Forbidden Forest for one hour. At the end of that hour, if you have
not come to face me, have not turned yourself in, the battle recommences and this time, Potter, I shall enter the fray
myself and I will find you and I will murder every last man.
Ron: (gasp)
Voldemort: Woman.
Hermione: (gasp)
Voldemort: And child.
Draco: No.
Voldemort: Who tries to conceal you from me. Voldemort out! (taps wand on floor again)
Hermione: Alright guys don't worry. We still have an hour, okay? We just need to come up with a plan.
Harry: There's no plan Hermione. I know what I have to do I have to die.
Ginny: No, no, no, no, there's got to be another way.
Hermione: Well, maybe there's something in this book, you know? We could find some sort of enchantment that'll
nullify theHarry: No, forget about it. There's only one thing to do; I have to die. I love you all, except you Draco, I can't stand
you. Bye.
Ginny: Harry!
Ron: Harry!
(Harry leaves. The scene changes to Voldemort and his Death Eaters)
Death Eater 1: He's not coming, my Lord.
Voldemort: It seems that way. Well, Death Eaters, it looks like we're going back to seize the castle. This is what Potter
has chosen. Funny, I expected him to come. It seems I was mistaken.
(Harry enters)
Harry: You weren't.
Voldemort: Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived. Avada Kedavra!
(Harry dies)
Death Eater 2: You've done it my Lord. Potter is dead, no one shall ever question your powers again!

Voldemort: Yes
Death Eater 1: Doesn't this please you my Lord?
Voldemort: (checks Harry's body) Yeah, yeah it's great. It's great. I just thought it might make me feel less empty
inside. Well Death Eaters, let's go back to Hogwarts to tell them what has become of their hero.
(Voldemort and Death Eaters leave Harrys body and exit)

Scene 8
(Harry wakes up. Dumbledore enters)
Dumbledore: Hey Harry.
Harry: Whoa! Dumbledore, what? What are you doing? Where am I? I thought I was dead, I got cursed by Voldemort.
Dumbledore: Let's just say you're somewhere between our world and theirs.
Harry: What, did I survive?
Dumbledore: It wouldn't be the first time Potter. Take a seat.
Harry: (He sits) Alright.
Dumbledore: Harry, have you ever heard of a love shield?
Harry: No, but it sounds stupid.
Dumbledore: A love shield is anything but stupid. It's when somebody loves you so much that they are willing to give
their life for you. That love literally becomes a shield which surrounds your body, protecting you from any form of Dark
Harry: So, was that what just happened to me? I have a love shield?
Dumbledore: Harry, it's time for you to learn all the things you should have learned years ago, which really would
have helped you along the way.
Harry: That's why I survived the first time.
Dumbledore: Exactly and when he tried to kill you this time, he was actually unknowingly killing the piece of himself
inside of you, uh and I've known the whole time.
Harry: You knew this whole time? You bastard!
Dumbledore: Hey, hey, they don't call me the greatest wizard who ever lived for nothing. Harry, it is time for you to
get your cute little butt back there and fight him as a mortal man. Except this time, he' will be a mortal man too.
Harry: Dumbledore, I get what you're saying. I know what I have to do.
Dumbledore: Good boy. Now get out of here!
(Harry leaves. The scene changes to Ron, Hermione, Draco, Neville, Cho Chang, Ginny and the Hogwarts students.)
Voldemort: (From offstage) People of Hogwarts, it's me. Harry Potter is dead. He was killed while running away, trying
to save himself, while you laid down your lives for him. The battle is won. My Death Eaters outnumber you. Continue to
resist and be slaughtered. Come out of the castle, kneel before me and you may be spared.
Ron: Oh damn, okay, you guys, you guys barricade the door. Go with uh, with the bench. Go, go do it. Do it right now.
(Cho and Neville go to barricade the door with the bench)
Ron: Well, there's only one thing we need do. We're gonna to fight.
Draco: (Flops down onto floor) Come on, I'm tired. Can't we just be Death Eaters?
Ron: No, no we can't just be Death Eaters. Okay? We are gonna fight, okay? And we are gonna fight so hard, that we
are gonna win.

Song: Voldemort is Going Down

Ron: He thinks that we're finished
He thinks that we're done
He thinks that it's over
His battle is won, HA!
He thinks that we're finished
But we aren't through
Stop and think my friends,
What would Harry do for you?
Hermione: Harry never gave up the fight
Harry stood up for what is right
Well, now it's our turn.
Ron & Hermione: Our turn
Make a joyful sound
Voldemort is going down!
We must unite so we can fight
Turn the battle around
Time's running out
It's time to shout
Voldemort is going down
Hermione: Can't you feel the fire burning?
Now it's time to be a man
A great, big, muscly
Super big, super hot man
Ron & Chorus: Ah, aaaaaaaaaah!
All: We won't be pushed around anymore

We'll be a force you cannot ignore

We'll be an army for Dumbledore
For Dumbledore!
We must unite so we can fight
Turn the battle around
Time's running out
It's time to shout
Voldemort is going down

(Harry runs in)

Ginny: Youre alive!
Harry: You bet, lets do this!

All: We must unite so we can fight

Turn the battle around
Time's running out
It's time to shout
Voldemort is
Half: GoingOther half: We must unite
So we can fight
All: Voldemort is going down!

Ron: Yeah!

Scene 9
(Voldemort bursts through the barricade)
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra! WHAT? Potter, how many times do I have to kill you boy?
Harry: Apparently, more than once, but it's all over Voldemort. This time it's just you and me, because all the
Horcruxes are gone. I destroyed them all.
Voldemort: What? Even my Zefron poster?
Harry: Especially the Zefron poster.
Voldemort: NO! Curse you Potter you'll die for that.
Harry: No, I won't. I won't because you can't kill me. And you can't kill any of these people.
Voldemort: What are you on about?
Harry: You don't learn from your mistakes, do you Voldemort? I was prepared to dieto save these people!
Voldemort: But you didn't!
Harry: Yes, but I meant to, and that's what did it. I've done what my mother did for me for these people. I've given
them magical sanctuary so you can't hurt me or these people ever again.
Voldemort: So, what? Who cares about these children, it's you I want dead Potter. What's to stop you from dying when
I strike?
Harry: Just one thing, think of all the people you've hurt, Voldemort, all the lives you've destroyed, all the people
you've killed okay. Try a little slice of remorse pie.
Voldemort: What?
Harry: There's got to be one person, one thing in your life you miss, that you regret.
Voldemort: Well, maybe there's one NO! There isn't! The jokes on you Potter. I don't care about anybody.
Harry: I know and that's what makes you so sad. Because here at Hogwarts, we all stick together. We love one
another, we're friends. My love is protecting these guys and their love is all I need to protect me from you.
Voldemort: Let's put that theory to the test Potter. Avada Kedavra!
Harry: Expelliarmus!
(Voldemort dies)
Cho: Well, Chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it!
(Everyone cheers and Harry hugs Ginny)
Ron: WHOA! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Listen, hey
Harry: (Harry stops hugging Ginny) What?
Ron: I just want to let you guys know that I'm completely fine with it. Go ahead.
Hermione: Guys, I guess that ties up all the loose ends. Oh, except for the House Cup tournament.
(Neville runs in, brandishing a piece of parchment)
Neville: Kids, kids, look at this! I found Dumbledore's will.
Harry: Dumbledore's will?
Hermione: Gather around.
(They gather around Neville as he reads)

Neville: Yeah, it says: Upon the event of my death, that Gryffindor wins the House Cup!
(Gryffindor cheers)
Neville: It also says that Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter, my chocolate factory goes to Charlie, and Toon Town goes to
the Toons!
(Everyone cheers again.)
Harry: Hey guys, well, I guess all the professors are dead so, Butterbeers on me!
(The scene changes to Quirrel and a Dementor)
Dementor: So, youre free to go.
Quirrel: Thank you.
Dementor: You know, while I was devouring every single one of your happy thoughts, they all seemed to be about a
certain friend of yours. Care to talk?
Quirrel: No, that's behind me now.
Dementor: Sorry. Well did you hear the news? Voldemort is dead! Yeah, good luck getting off this impenetrable island!
(Dementor exits)
Quirrel: Dead? (He drops to ground and cries. Voldemort enters.)
Voldemort: Hey you.
Quirrel: Voldemort, is it really you?
Voldemort: What's left of me.
Quirrel: But I just heard that you wereVoldemort: Destroyed? Yeah, but Quirrel, there's a part of me that is still here and I can't go on to the next plane
without it. It's a part of me that can't be destroyed because it's right inhere. (He points to Quirrel's heart.)
Quirrel: In my heart? So you came back?
Voldemort: I came home.
Quirrel: And you don't want to kill Harry Potter anymore?
Voldemort: No, because I learned something when I had my body back Quirrel. I learned that life is really messy,
complicated, and doesn't turn out the way you think it will and that, you think killing people might make them like you
but it doesn't. It just makes people dead. I got killed by a one-year-old and it was really embarrassing and everyone's
just like "When you gonna come back Voldemort?" or "When you gonna take over the world?" It's me, it's all on me!
And I'm sitting there by myself cause no one wants to help and I say to myself, maybe with Quirrel things would be
Quirrel: Is okay good?
Voldemort: Quirrel, okay is wonderful.
(They embrace. The entire cast comes on stage.)

Song: Not Alone Reprise

Everyone: Baby you're not alone,
'Cause you're here with me
And nothing's ever gonna bring us down,
'Cause nothing can keep me from loving you
And you know it's true.
It don't matter what'll come to be,
Our love is all we need to make it through.