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"A Very Potter Sequel" is an unofficial, fan-made,

parody show.

we choke cut the weed before it grows


up and ends it all

ACT 1

Do you follow me?

The Dark Lord has been defeated! Harry Potter wins!


End of story! Right? Not according to Lucius Malfoy
and the Death Eaters. They've got a plan to rewrite
history and destroy the Boy Who Lived once and for all.
So grab your wand and get back to Hogwarts because...
It's Not Over Yet!

DEATH EATER #1:


[spoken] "No."
LUCIUS:

It's Not Over Yet - music and lyrics by Darren Criss

The Dark Lord?


Would have survived, had they never met...

LUCIUS:

DEATH EATER #2:

Don't ever tell me what I can't do


I'd watch my tongue if I were you
for all we know, you-know-who
could be watching us

[spoken] "So you're saying that he wouldn't be


destroyed?"

YAXLEY:

He'd be alive, what don't you get?

[spoken] "He can't be, he's dead!"

DEATH EATER #3:

LUCIUS:

[spoken] "Still not understanding..."

You think that's stopped our plans before?


You've no idea what I have in store!
You really think that you'd be at my door
if we had nothing to discuss?
He may be gone, but that is just as well...

LUCIUS:

So come inside, don't you fret


for it's not over yet!

[spoken] "Aaahhhhhh!"

DEATH EATER CHORUS:


Evil plans!
We are making evil plans!
Evil deeds with evil hands!
We love making evil plans!
LUCIUS:
I know it seems impossible, we've been thrown off our
track.
But if we can't move forward, why shouldn't we move
back?
Friends and companions of evil and sin:
Think not of loss, but a new way to win.
For what is present without a beginning
to start it all?
YAXLEY:
[spoken] "Go on..."

LUCIUS:

With Potter gone, the future will be set!


DEATH EATERS:

LUCIUS:
... So it's not over yet!
DEATH EATERS:
Evil plans!
What a brilliant evil plan!
Malfoy, you're an evil man!
We love making evil plans!
ALL:
Our history is nothing more
than what the losers settle for
LUCIUS:
So look alive, and don't forget
that's it's not over
ALL:

LUCUIS:

It's not over,


No, it's not over yet!

There is a boy that everyone knows;


The plan is simple: I propose that

It's time to go back... in time that is! See how it all


began as Harry sets off for his very first year at

Hogwarts. He's ready to go but our hero is in for a


surprise or two when he meets Ron Weasley and finds
out that he's no ordinary 11 year old wiz-kid, he's the
most famous guy in the wizarding world... He's Harry
Freakin' Potter!

[DANCE BREAK]
RITA SKEETER:

Harry Freakin' Potter - music and lyrics by Darren


Criss

You're Harry Freakin' Potter!


I wouldn't wince at all,
you're invincible to all harm!

RON:

Like Betty Crocker--

You're Harry Freakin' Potter!


You don't understand
you're a legend, man,
to us all!

RITA SKEETER & THE KIDS:


[Oooh!]
RITA:

Every son and daughter-RON & THE KIDS: [spoken] "SAFE!"


RON:
... From You-Know-Who,
all because of you!
You were small,
but I wonder if you can recall...
[CHORUS: Oooo...]
RON:
Long story short,
this guy,
[whispered] "Voldemort"
was super cruel...

... I wanna eat you up!


No one'll beat you up
with that charm!
Remember, Harry, kid,
you're the Boss,
you're the King,
you're the Bomb!
HARRY:
But this is all so sad,
I mean, my Mom and Dad
were killed, long ago...
THE KIDS:
[Long ago they died!]
HARRY:

HARRY:
[spoken] "Voldemort?"

... I wanna be psyched,


but being unliked
is all I know...

THE KIDS:
CHORUS:
[GASP!] "SHHH!!!"
[... All he knows, that's why--]
CHORUS: Oooo...]
HARRY:
RON:
... Tried to kill you & your parents,
and this is where it gets intensely cool...
Even though you were a tiny little boy,
you shoulda died but you survived and then destroyed
this evil guy and its story we enjoy to tell....
RON & THE KIDS:
You're Harry Freakin' Potter!
We don't prefer Gandalf,
Merlin, or Oz,
You're a whole lot hotter!
With that lighting scar,
you're a superstar to us all!
If we're in trouble we know who to call!

I never thought I'd be a part of such a fate,


an opportunity eleven years late...
I guess it's time for me step up to the plate
and show 'em that I'm something great!
I'm Harry Freakin' Potter!
I'll do what I can
if what you say I am is true!
I can't be bothered
by my awful past,
I've found at last
something I can do,
so it's time I knew
exactly who I am...

I'm Harry Freakin' Potter!


THE KIDS:
You're Harry Freakin' Potter!
HARRY & THE KIDS
I'm/You're Harry Freakin' Potter-HARRY:

but never schemed or counted


on fantasies or wishesit breaks a man to see what he misses
So many nights I'd pray
for a better life, a better day
but I never thought that it'd come true
now that it's here, I don't know what to do
and I'm trying not to cry
This must be how it feels
to have a home

... And I'm the Man!


THE KIDS:

I've finally made it


I've hoped and I've waited
and for the first time in my life, I don't feel so alone

[Ahhhhhh]
HARRY & THE KIDS:
[spoken] "HARRY FREAKIN' POTTER!"
On the Hogwarts Express, Harry meets Hermione
Granger, the frumpiest nerd in the world. And when a
Death Eater shows up to finish HP off, it's up to the new
Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Remus Lupin, to
save the day!
When Harry arrives at Hogwarts for the very first time,
he finds what he was always meant to be in the home he
never knew he had.
To Have a Home - music and lyrics by Darren Criss

My heart starts to heal


to know that it's real.
This is how it must feel
to have a home!
In the Great Hall, Harry meets obnoxious bullies
(Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle), powerful and beautiful
headmasters (Albus Dumbledore), and the most horrible
woman in the world (Dolores Umbridge).
As the boys head off to bed, Umbridge has a few words
with the young ladies of Hogwarts. With dangerous
criminals, like Sirius Black, on the loose, it's up to
Umbridge to keep her "baby bears" safe, and she's going
to do that by toughening the girls up. From now on,
things at Hogwarts are gonna be done her way... The
Umbridge Way!

HARRY:
"Home."
I've heard the word before,
but it never meant much more
than just a thing I've never had.
A "place,"
They say, "Hey, know your place!"
But I've never had a place to even know,
or a face that I could go to
if I needed someone there...
I'm laughing
it's hard to hide a smile
My god, it's been a while
since I have had a reason to.
To think
it's been here all along
somewhere to belong,
and a reason,
a something-to-believe-in
I've finally found it,
a place where I'm wanted...
This must be how it feels to have a home
I used to dream about it

Harry and Ron head to the Quidditch pitch to try out for
the most ancient and silliest of all wizarding sports, and
Lupin, the Gryffindor coach, makes HP the seeker. He
also tells Harry a bit about his dad... the dad that's dead.
Harry has a dead father.
Hermione has it rough. From being picked on by bullies
to not being able to draw, she just can't seem to catch a
break. If only there were some way for her to show
everyone at Hogwarts that she's more than just a potatoface loser... In fact, she's the coolest girl in the whole
world!
The Coolest Girl - music and lyrics by Darren Criss
HERMIONE:
All my dreams
I'm chasing after,
they don't need
all this laughter...
I take a grain of salt,
stiff upper lip.
It's not their fault
I'm not as hip.
Wake up kid, you know you're more than this...

I'm the smartest person


that I've ever met.
So why do I allow myself to
possibly forget:
There's so much I know how to do,
so much more than all of you.
The only thing I wish I knew
was how to make them see
the girl that I can be....
I am
the coolest girl in the whole wide world
I know it
but can't show it at all.

Gettin' Along - music and lyrics by Darren Criss


DUMBLEDORE:
I bet
you're the one who gets
all of the boys to buy you things.
UMBRIDGE:
I'm sure
that you get all the girls
to beg you for their wedding rings.
DUMBLEDORE:
I like your twisted humor!

I am
sick and tired
of low, not higher
places, where I should belong.
It's about time I proved them wrong...

UMBRIDGE:
I like your mystic rumors!
DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE:

Give me a shot
to show what I've got!
I'm a helluva whole lot more
than this frizzy hair,
these frumpy clothes I wear,
though I rock 'em like nobody you've seen before
'Cause I am
the coolest girl in the whole wide world
I know it
below it all.
I am
done with losin',
on with choosin'
the coolest girl on the face of the planet,
the coolest bitch on earth, goddammit!
The coolest chick you've ever seen or heard!

I'd say we can assume we're


gonna get along!
UMBRIDGE:
You're not
like average Joes,
or Jims or Tims or Johns.
DUMBLEDORE:
... And I'd wager
that you'd never run from danger
with those muscles made of bronze!
I can safely shout
without a doubt
that it won't take very long...
DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE:

So you can try to bring me down,


but sorry guys, I'm stickin' around!
I've thought about it, and I've found
that I am
the coolest girl!
... Yeah!

... Before we're getting---and not regretting-ever setting on gettin' along!


[DANCE BREAK]
DUMBLEDORE:

For Halloween, the kids of Hogwarts are taking a trip to


Hogsmeade. But it's a mondo-bummer for Harry and
Malfoy, who don't have signed permission forms. Once
again, Lupin shows up to lend some help... with the
Marauder's Map!

You are a beautiful sample!


For example,
my gosh-- you're so strong!
What's-a matter with me?

While at Hogsmeade, Umbridge and Dumbledore hop


on the good-foot and head on down to the Three
Broomsticks for a night of singing, dancing, and the
traditional "Welcome-to-Hogwarts" body shot. From the
looks of it, these two could really be Gettin' Along...

UMBRIDGE:
Now you're just flattering me!
DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE:

... Oh, how we're both just gettin' along!

With how shamelessly


and how famously
we're both just getting' along...

UMBRIDGE:
I've never felt this way before...

We'll be get, get, gettin',


get, get, gettin',
gettin' along!

DUMBLEDORE:
[spoken] "Felt how?"

When Hermione tries to look cool and goes into the


Shrieking Shack on a bet, it's up to Harry and Ron to
save her from the monster that lives there!

UMBRIDGE:
[spoken] "Um, intimidated..."
... You have such prominence and poise.
DUMBLEDORE:
[spoken] "Oh, that ol' thing--"
... Baby, it's just me, Dumbledore.
So just try to relax,
face the facts:
You feel just like one of the boys!
UMBRIDGE:
[spoken] "One of the boys? I do?!"

The gangs runs from the scariest place in the world right
into the scariest place in the world as they escape from
the Shrieking Shack and hide in the Forbidden Forest,
where all sorts of crazy creatures live...
Everyone's getting ready for an exciting game of
Quidditch when Rita Skeeter makes the rounds,
Umbridge and Dumbledore talk about their "magical"
night together, and Lucius Malfoy shows up with some
last minute replacements to the Slytherin team...
At the Quidditch match, somebody's going down and it
looks like it's gonna be the Gryffindors! With the
majority of the Slytherin team being replaced by Death
Eaters, HP is in danger of losing his life, as well as the
game!
Let The Games Begin! - music and lyrics by Darren
Criss

DUMBLEDORE:
GRYFFINDORS:
[spoken] "You sure do baby!"
UMBRIDGE:
Yes sir,
you're the one professor
that'd I'd want detention from!

Somebody's goin' down,


somebody's goin' down,
it ain't gonna be us!
Somebody's gonna lose,
Somebody's gonna lose,
it ain't gonna be us!

DUMBLEDORE:
[x2]
Umbridgeyou're the handsome wizard
that'd I'd want an extension from!

SLYTHERINS [over GRYFFINDORS]

UMBRIDGE:

We're gonna kick your ass!


We're gonna kick your ass!
You're goin' down, goin' down!

[spoken] "... And I'd give it to you!"


DUMBLEDORE:

We're gonna kick your ass!


We're gonna kick your ass!
You're goin' down, goin' down!

I'll get the door!

You'll get much more!

When Sirius Black breaks into Hogwarts, Harry uses the


Marauder's Map to track down the man that betrayed his
parents to the Dark Lord, but his search leads him to a
forbidden room holding a mysterious, magical mirror...

DUMBLEDORE & UMBRIDGE:

Those Voices - music and lyrics by Darren Criss

Either way we can't go wrong...

HARRY:

UMBRIDGE:

I know you.
I've seen you in a dream ,
an old familiar scene, from somewhere...

LILY & JAMES:

You know me.


There's glowing in your eyes,
a glow I recognize, from somewhere...

HARRY & SIRIUS, LILY & JAMES:

Those voices,
singing out,
"La, la, la, la, la..."

After discovering that Sirius isn't bad at all, Harry has to


try and protect his new best adult-friend from the people
that want to send him straight back to Azkaban!

LILY & JAMES:


La, la, la, la, la...
HARRY, LILY & JAMES:
La, la, la, la, la... la.
SIRIUS:
I see them.
They were people that I loved,
you were barely old enough
to be there.
But I know you.
You have your mothers eyes,
beneath your dad's untidy dark hair.
Those voices,
ringing out,
"La, la, la, la, la..."
LILY & JAMES:
La, la, la, la, la...
SIRIUS, LILY & JAMES:
La, la, la, la, la...
SIRIUS:
I would never do
anything that could hurt you!
They were both my family!
You're all that's left of what I knew,
you must know somewhere that it's true!
Do you understand me?
HARRY:
[spoken] "Yeah, I do."
HARRY & SIRIUS:
those voices
reaching out,
"La, la, la, la, la..."

La, la, la, la, la...

La, la, la, la, la... La.

ACT2
Umbridge has taken over Hogwarts. Dumbledore is on
the run. Sirius Black has been captured and is being
held at Hogwarts where he awaits his sentencing. What
the spell happened to Harry's fun year of learning
shenanigans? Can Lupin pull the kids out of their
Umbridge-induced depression?
With Lupin gone, guess who gets to be the new Defense
Against the Dark Arts teacher... Umbridge! And she's
going to see to it that Harry and his friends have the
most miserable time of their lives...
Team Jacob headquarters is complete as Umbridge puts
the finishing touches on her new Headmaster's office.
But even hunky T. Lautner posters can't cheer her up
when all her chil'ens is just so misbehaved. And that
Harry Potter is the worst of them all. It makes Umbridge
so very sad. So very, very sad-hungry...
It's nothing but trouble when Lucius Malfoy and
Umbridge join forces to finally put an end to HP. Will
Snape sit by and watch as they murder the Boy Who
Lived? He more than anyone knows what kind of
people the Potters are, their arrogance knows no bounds.
Something simply must be done about them or There
Will Always Be Guys Like Potter...
Guys Like Potter - music and lyrics by Darren Criss

Who'll quench the flame like it's a game with drops of


water
He'll never think her perfect as you/I thought her...
LUCIUS:
... But now you're alone,
left to pout and moan,
'cause you were totally pwnd.
Sirius Black is sentenced to death by way of Dementor's
Kiss, Umbridge wants to see Harry in her office alone,
and the rest of the kids have detention! Could things get
any worse?! They sure can...
While in detention, Ron and Hermione receive a note
telling them that Harry is in grave danger, so they rush
to his rescue. But who is the mysterious "Little D" that's
been secretly helping our heroes all year?
Wipe out! Harry's been captured by Death Eaters and
Umbridge has an army of Dementors on their way to
Hogwarts to give Sirius Black a big, fat, wet kiss
goodbye. How will HP get out of this one?
Harry and the gang run to save Sirius, but they won't be
able to unless they can prove he's innocent find the man
who framed him. When Lupin shows up with the
Marauder's Map, will he be able to help find a man
that's been hiding somewhere for ten years... Peter
Pettigrew?!

LUCIUS:
There are so many douchebags in the world.
Yes, so many douchebags get the girls
who deserve more than absolutely anything
than any charm or potion could ever bring.
But men like that, they have her on a string,
and they don't care,
For there will always be guys like Potter.
To realize tears in your eyes because he got her.
She'll never ever know how much you'd have brought
her...
If you'd only done
something more for the one,
back when you were young...
SNAPE:
So many assholes in this place.
So many assholes in my face!
Why can't they leave me alone-To love princesses, maids, and queens?
They wouldn't ever be in between...
LUCIUS & SNAPE:
We'd them nice and never be mean.
And we would care...
But there will always be guys like Potter.

Thanks to some great sleuthing, Peter Pettigrew has


finally been captured. Now all the gang has to do is get
back to the Ministry and get Sirius's charges dropped.
So they decide to hop on some brooms and head there
on the double. They'll let the beautiful full moon light
their way... Wait... What's happening to Lupin?!
You Were Never My Lover (Stutter) - music and
lyrics by Darren Criss
UMBRIDGE:
Remember that time?
When you wouldn't talk to me?
No you wouldn't talk to me
yesterday.
We were gettin' along!
We had that little dance-y thing!
Well here's a song I sing
my way,
It was gonna be fine.
But you didn't wanna be,
be the man who'd be with me-no way.
But now you sayin' it's time-Why you gotta be like that?
I don't like the way you act
round me.

No Way - music and lyrics by Darren Criss


So baby come on, come on...
HARRY:
Oh don't you tell me to go,
and say "I'm the one,"
d-d-do you think I'm dumb?
Sorry- did I just stutter?
Won't tell you what you know,
but this is the end...
You were never my friend,
you were never my-you were never my lover!
Remember that night?
When I saw you tremblin' there?
I remembered, "I don't care,"
'bout you.
I'm rememberin' how
you thought you were at the top,
well I think we're better off
without you!
And I got your number-and I don't mean in my phone;
would've already just thrown it out,
if I'd known about
the way you'd bitch and moan,
remember that way-how you were way outta line?
Well now you're way outta time!
So tell me what you want on your tombstone!

My mind is racing, but my heart, it beats faster.


I'm in control, commander and master.
Lady Fate, creating disaster-but she ain't the boss of me!
A head-on collision with a catastrophic setback
makes you either wanna get lost, or get back.
I choose the latter; let's not forget that
we hold the cards this time,
so there's no need to bitch or whine!
There's no way
I'm gonna take another option,
no way I am gonna settle with a loss!
No way I'm gonna sit around and watch,
there's no, no way...
There's no way
you're gonna find me in the background,
no damn way you gonna see me satisfied!
No way they're ever gonna make me back down,
no, no way...
There's no way!
DRACO:
Home field advantage,
the upper hand is ours,
so the game is on!
RON & HERMIONE:

Come on, come on...


Oh don't you tell me to go,
and say "I'm the one,"
we're dur-dur-dur done!
'Scuse me, did I just stutter?

The clock ticks,


but we've got our tricks
to fuss with and fix what wrong!
HARRY:

Won't tell you what you know,


but this is the end...
You were never my friend,
you were never my-you were never my lover!

Let's wake up and go, guys,


take out the bad guys,
break out your mad eyes--

It's too bad you a loser.


Too bad you waste my time.
Good thing that I'm around
to keep your ass in line!

YEAH!

... You were never my-you were never my lover!


With Umbridge in charge of an army of Dementors, and
being too powerful for even Dumbledore to stop, all
hope seems lost. How are Harry and his friends
supposed to save Sirius Black and Hogwarts if there's
no time?

HARRY, DRACO, RON, HERMIONE:

We'll take it on together,


we're stronger and we're better
and if there's a problem-HARRY:
[spoken] "Ha!"
HARRY, DRACO, RON, HERMIONE:
--Whatever!
There's no way

we're gonna leave it up to chance,


there's no damn way we're gonna go without a fight!
No way you gonna see us on our ass,
There's no, no way...
There's no way
we're gonna settle with sorrow,
leave right now if you think this ain't real!
Today, not waitin' for tomorrow!
No, no way there's no way,
no, no way there's no way,
no, no way there's no way,
there's
no
way!

I know that it's gonna be alright!


HARRY, DRACO, RON, HERMIONE:
I don't wanna see you go,
but it's not forever, not forever!
Even it was,
you now that I would never let it get me down.
You're the part of me that makes me better,
wherever I go!
So I will try
not to cry-but no one needs to say goodbye...
[DANCE BREAK]
ALL:

Secrets are revealed as the kids square off against


Lucius Malfoy one last time. But are Harry and his pals
outmatched by this dastardly dark wizard? Will anyone
come to their rescue when they hear Hermione's cries of
pain?!
It's time for the final showdown! Can the kids fend off
an army of Dementors and stop Umbridge before she
sees the end of Sirius Black and Hogwarts?! It's time for
Harry and his pals to put their patron uses to the test...
and don't cross the streams!

I don't wanna see you go,


but it's not forever, not forever!
Even it was,
you now that I would never let it get me down.
You're the part of me that makes me better,
wherever I go!
So I will try
not to cry-but no one needs to say goodbye!
------

The school is saved but can the gang prove Sirius Black
is an innocent man before he's sent back to Azkaban?
And what will become of Little D? Did he have an
ulterior motive all along? Could he be in danger of
falling in love with Hermione Granger?
The school year is over and it's time to for Harry to
return to the muggle world. But HP's about to learn that
he's got these Days of Summer to remind him how
precious his time at Hogwarts really is. Because even
though the adventure is over, his friends will always be
a part of him. So really, No One Needs To Say
Goodbye...

ALL:
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts,
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts,
it's all that I love and it's all that I need
at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends,
to Gryffindors! Hufflepuffs! Ravenclaws! Slytherins!
Back to the place where our story begins
at Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
DUMBLEDORE:

Days of Summer - music and lyrics by Darren Criss


[spoken] "I'm sorry, what's its name?"
RON:
ALL:
We've got these days of summer
to remind us of each other...

Hogwarts, Hogwarts!

HERMIONE:

DUMBLEDORE:

The time we have to spend apart


will keep us in each other's heart...

[spoken] "I didn't hear you kids!"


ALL:

HARRY:
Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
I'm hoping that the good ole' days are
something I will dream about at night...

HARRY:

DRACO:

[spoken] "Man, I'm glad we went back!"

Don't matter if it's soon or later,

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