GRAMPS HAD A NUMBER OF BLACK MALE FRIENDS, MOSTLY POKER AND BR

AND BEFORE I GOT OLD ENOUGH NOT TO CARE ABOUT HURTING HIS FEEL
LET HIM DRAG ME ALONG TO SOME OF THEIR GAMES. THEY WERE OLD, N
MEN WITH HOARSE VOICES AND CLOTHES THAT SMELLED OF CIGARS, THE
WHOM EVERYTHING HAS ITS PLACE AND WHO FIGURE THEYVE SEEN ENOU
WASTE A LOT OF TIME TALKING ABOUT IT. WHENEVER THEY SAW ME THE
JOVIAL SLAP ON THE BACK AND ASK HOW MY MOTHER WAS DOING; BUT O
PLAY, THEY WOULDNT SAY ANOTHER WORD EXCEPT TO COMPLAIN TO THE
A BID. THERE WAS ONE EXCEPTION, A POET NAMED FRANK WHO LIVED I
HOUSE IN A RUN-DOWN SECTION OF WAIKIKI. HE HAD ENJOYED SOME MO
ONCE, WAS A CONTEMPORARY OF RICHARD WRIGHT AND LANGSTON HUGHES
IN CHICAGO-GRAMPS ONCE SHOWED ME SOME OF HIS WORK ANTHOLOGIZED
BLACK POETRY. BUT BY THE TIME I MET FRANK HE MUST HAVE BEEN PU
WITH A BIG, DEWLAPPED FACE AND AN ILL-KEMPT GRAY AFRO THAT MAD
AN OLD, SHAGGY-MANED LION. HE WOULD READ US HIS POETRY WHENEVE
HIS HOUSE, SHARING WHISKEY WITH GRAMPS OUT OF AN EMPTIED JELLY
WORE ON, THE TWO OF THEM WOULD SOLICIT MY HELP IN COMPOSING DI
EVENTUALLY, THE CONVERSATION WOULD TURN TO LAMENTS ABOUT WOMEN
YOU TO DRINK, BOY, FRANK WOULD TELL ME SOBERLY. AND IF YOU L
DRIVE YOU INTO YOUR GRAVE. I WAS INTRIGUED BY OLD FRANK, WITH
WHISKEY BREATH AND THE HINT OF HARD-EARNED KNOWLEDGE BEHIND TH
VISITS TO HIS HOUSE ALWAYS LEFT ME FEELING VAGUELY UNCOMFORTAB
I WERE WITNESSING SOME COMPLICATED, UNSPOKEN TRANSACTION BETWE
TRANSACTION I COULDNT FULLY UNDERSTAND. THE SAME THING I FELT
TOOK ME DOWNTOWN TO ONE OF HIS FAVORITE BARS, IN HONOLULUS RE
DONT TELL YOUR GRANDMOTHER, HE WOULD SAY WITH A WINK, AND W
HARD-FACED, SOFT-BODIED STREETWALKERS INTO A SMALL, DARK BAR W
COUPLE OF POOL TABLES. NOBODY SEEMED TO MIND THAT GRAMPS WAS T
IN THE PLACE, OR THAT I WAS THE ONLY ELEVEN- OR TWELVE-YEAR-OL
LEANING ACROSS THE BAR WOULD WAVE AT US, AND THE BARTENDER, A
WOMAN WITH BARE, FLESHY ARMS, WOULD BRING A SCOTCH FOR GRAMPS
IF NOBODY ELSE WAS PLAYING AT THE TABLES, GRAMPS WOULD SPOT ME
TEACH ME THE GAME, BUT USUALLY I WOULD SIT AT THE BAR, MY LEGS
HIGH STOOL, BLOWING BUBBLES INTO MY DRINK AND LOOKING AT THE P
ON THE WALLSTHE PHOSPHORESCENT WOMEN ON ANIMAL SKINS, THE DISN
COMPROMISING POSITIONS. IF HE WAS AROUND, A MAN NAMED RODNEY W
HAT WOULD STOP BY TO SAY HELLO. HOWS SCHOOL COMING, CAPTAIN?
YOU GETTING THEM AS, AINT YOU? SOME. THATS GOOD. SALLY
ANOTHER COKE, RODNEY WOULD SAY, PEELING A TWENTY OFF A THICK
FROM HIS POCKET BEFORE HE FELL BACK INTO THE SHADOWS. I CAN ST
EXCITEMENT I FELT DURING THOSE EVENING TRIPS, THE ENTICEMENT O
CLICK OF THE CUE BALL, AND THE JUKEBOX FLASHING ITS RED AND GR
WEARY LAUGHTER THAT RAN AROUND THE ROOM. YET EVEN THEN, AS YOU
ALREADY BEGUN TO SENSE THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE IN THE BAR WERE

CLAIMS OF
INHERITANCE

CL.+tf.."\g oF- ~~L~

WHEREM F~TliER LIES BURIED

by

Barack

Obama

Introduction

I intended
first

arose

the

a very

while

first

had

newspaper

and magazine

sign

followed

tenuous

than

the

or

morsel

of

proof

original

to

take

say

off

outside

the

that,

after

called,

and
the

after

quiet
all,

I,

riot

current

state

graduation

has
to

of race

and put

my modest
in the

no matter

engulfs

myself

of

any optimistic

respite,

some progress

legal

place

for

that

imagining

to

peculiar

for

flattering

less

hunger

as

A burst

several

Law School's

it

my election

profession.

testified

desire

to write

Law Review,

including

that

our

from

about

the

as America's

front;

after

Harvard

election,

as well

a year

the

to Harvard

illusory,

The opportunity

law school,

profiles

racial

few publishers

to

that

mythology,

from

of

unknown

publicity

American

in

president

largely

accomplishments

book.

I was still

black

periodical

different

how

us daily)
been

made.

have

something

relations,

agreed

my thoughts

to

paper.

)
last~

In that
mind,

chapter

how the
means

meaning

would

in
of

community

and

grass-roots

organizing;

Afrocentrism

--

I'd

include

certain

personal

recurring

list

the

on

limits

of

to be sure,
in all

fill

of civil
thoughts

public

just

life

the

through

action

the

it

rights
on

up an entire

analyze
it

in my

on what

affirmative

grew to

But all

organize

confidence,

equality;

restoration

of topics

to

be an essay

on the

racial

musings

anecdotes,
emotions.

would

another

about

I began

a frightening

There

blood,

bringing

the

and with

proceed.

be of mixed

litigation

of law school,

by chapter

book

to

year

and
page.

sources

was an intellectual

of

journey

that

restpoints

imagined

for

and a strict

March,

the

second

Some of
messy,

pages,

such

opinions

undeniably

mine;

subjects,

the

at

always
and

least,

revision

as

and

completed

by

the

as

months

scattered

nationalism

I've

originality

survived
find,

original

anyway,

maps

in August ...

will

class,

with

section

has

reader

on race,

aren't

first

conception

labor;
opinions

complete

the

for

original

tortured

these

itinerary:

submitted

this

myself,

of

through

and politics.

I had

hoped,

discovered

that

and wrong-headedness

If

they
on

are

certain

are

frequent

companions.
But mostly,

the

up in the

trash

ended

down and put

~ockier
to

again.

mango tree

as

I had never
in

her

she

and

parents

explain

first

longings
distant
to

I recalled
the

once

that

I actually

steadily

and

pulled

forgotten

fears

appeared,

and

hair,

year

rememberence

again

a child,

the

the

of

stories

stories

leapt

up

ebbed,

and

under
the

father

as an organizer
my awkward

that
of

sat

towards

sitting

describing

my first

ago has

my mother

a family

steps
and

trying

to

itself.
All

my

..

comparison

to

well-ordered
~
this~
of

theories

seemed

..

memories;
~

Still,

two years

my grandmother,

known.

with

moment

voices

my sister's

me as

the

with

my mind

braided

I heard

told

For

listened

burned

manhood.

I started

I found

where
I

truly

Chicago,

towards

basket.

where

my heart,

appeared

that

pen to paper,

shores,

brush

outline

a part

of me resisted-tlle

~ certaj.nly

I resisted

incomplete,
~IS

call~
the
2

idea

insubstantial

~ese

of

and

in

premature.

e I'""'',.,;.,,

othe~,

offering

more persona~
them

up

in

-~-~~~~~

book.

They

slightly

stirred

up emotions

that

left

me feeling

exposed,
--

ashamed

even

not

because

they

were

particularly

painful

or preverse,

but

because

they

spoke

,-~'

to

those

on the

aspects
surface,

thirty-two,

itself

at

a town

that's

world,

in

social

not

the

accustomed
lack

to

conscious
the

to

like

expect

its

racial
If

I've

is

a running

unimaginable,
only
ago

even

six-years
he

old,

Chicago

skin.

and although
proud

pain

in

to

their

protect

cross-fire
underfunded
They

resourceful

as

as

they

of the

city

into

their

son

from

of

a gang-shooting,

inner-city
know too

such

as wise

some

of

of

fight
to the

born

and

raised

lost
the

their

begin

to

white

the

cousin,

his

dark,

places

like

innocence

suburb,

possibility
and

in

second

of

long

being
one

ago,

as strong
hears

thoughts

the
about

a move they

being

certainty

seems

first-grade
of

I know -have

of

a few weeks

two of them

any parents

story
that

his

because

--

the

innocence:

him

a mostly
the

to

My wife's

with

obviously
bitter

able

an innocence

that

play

ar~n't

voices

lost

parents,

Indiana,

they
and

out

His

and prides

about

of childhood.

parents
to

wounds

of myself

of innocence,

measures

his

life

much.

already

refused

and Gary,

and

has
to

had

unblemished

moving

by the

reported

classmates

strain

political

been

think
my family

and that

I now occupy.~I'm

and

to think

too

choice,

world

of sentiment.

I nevertheless

careful

resist

contradict

active

on a certain
cynicism,

that

least,

a lawyer

Chicago,

off

of myself

caught
of

made
in

attending

the
an

school.
much,

we have
3

all

seen

too

much,

to

take

'

,_,!

my

parent's

brie

an American

--

time

taking

me at

black

or

for

I ceased

who

suppose
the

--

tragic

explain
alone,

the

who don't

the

is yours,

sons

between

is

a hard

usually

at the

by doing

they

at

age of

with

have

to

the

mine,

or

make,

heart,

ghostly

image

of

And if

I were

to

at

least

not

of Africa

it

is yours,

Island,

it

is

Rock and Ellis

my

They no longer

two worlds.
not

so I was

my troubled

soul,

and daughters

of Plymouth

it

that

and

know me well,

signs.

guess

is

have

them more comfortable

divided

tragedy

an African

race

adjustments

they

blood,

the

suspect

some tell-tale

trapped

no,

to

second
for

(and

my mother's

making

Privately,
mixed

and daughters

When people

to advertise

split

mulatto,

it

some people

to whites,

am.

that

As a result,

my background

of my eyes

the

woman,

when I began

I see

searching

2ck man and white

value.

discover

myself

presence),

know

face

or thirteen,

ingratiating

the

at

white,

discovery,
twelve

----face value.

the

mine
sons

tragedy

of

both

my wife's

seven-year

classmates,

so that

the

nightly

news

at

least

that

down ... well,

wedded

to

that

lost

hopes,

I'm

many years

fault

people

my childhood,
later,

to

after

cousin

guess

see,

the

and the
I had

stories
at
4

to

again

hopelessly

naive,

peddle

towns.

break

their

Or worse,

myself.

suspicions.

sat

begins

college

on

acknowledge

cycle

who

grade

me, it's

we could

Stalinists

from

his)__first

troubles

if

once

of various

their

at what

tragic

I sound

hide

and

and that

the

like

fringes

trying

not

to

I suspect

sound

mistrust

all

then

on the

I don't

for
much

newspapers
like

you need

old

that

I learned
shaped

my father's

it.
grave

long
It

ago to

was only

and

spoken

to

him

through

evaluate

these

was

then

only

trying

to

Africa's
early
that

against

these

some granite

can

stand.

firmly

At some point,
scrutiny

periodic
its

journey

-rrhe

search

for

meaning

for

of

autobiography,

aR

asked
book

word

is

role

don't

claim

of record,

in important
~

suits

through

the

world.

somehow

representative

imples-

someone

of

the

none

hold

black
5

the

somehow
interior
search,
is

whenever

two

years

just

a description

the

connoting

province

of

famous

people,

of that

a summing

even

has

of

An autobiograph~promises

of my years,

I can't

spite

my purposes,

with
is

of

children

that

such

possess,

conversations

a.n a.utol3iography
hardly

for

hope

The result

last

avoided

the

to protect

al though

suppgsar

to

There

in

American.

film-makers1:"

events.

desire

and through

usually

much better

and European

worthy

least,
that

isn't

my unborn

what

of. these

course

the

of a personal,

as a black
~

in
individual

in

project,

father,

holes

my heart,

a record

it

much of my life

all

upon which

and

accurately,

up

history,

in

back

projecting

entire

his

I've

more

of a stubborn

is

life

the

about,

"memoir"

ambassadors

his

me over

sophistication

feats

the

a boy's

the

abandon
pages

liiom.itMng

of

spots

these

--

someone's

to

circle

spent

details,

in spite
tender

Or,

I had

of truth

way onto

a workable

what

most

impulse

found

slab

could

plugging

sweep

then,

the

that

stories,

blind

myself.

unwelcome

the

extracting

that

for

I understood

accomodating

choices

soil,

stories

re-write

narrative,

from

red

up,

still

here.

At the

a certain

busy

charting

up my experience
American

a central

experience

very

closure,
his
as

way

being
(After

,('

all,

you don't

come from an undeprivileged

"
helpfully
points
out to me);

publisher
that

particular

truth

sisters,

whether

destiny,

without

various

--

in this

struggles

--

~ ~~

temptation

of

when

say

these

the

or

relayed

characters

lacks

the

to

appear

have

been

an

else,

what

I have

I've

strayed,

sake

for

autobiography,

I've
but

tried
been

for

his

firm

for

l:H:-s generous).:eadings;

to
able

the

do

is

to

write
look

correctives;
and

most
6

to

time-

or any,
is

some
I've

figures,

a memoir,

only

the

book

With

of

are

based

was actually

people

sake

for

of my family,

chronology.
public

hold

all,

compression,
of

the

vanities,~

this

of what
of

writer,

age,

avoided

histories

composites

of

changed

old

much of

oral

of precise

a handful

Whether

the

are

out

and

or the

For

of

one of certain

Although

hazards

successfully

c~

any autobiography:

Such

an approximation

me.

appear

gentle

I've

journals

necessarily

my family

characters

that

all

experiences

wisdom

cures

defects.

that

some events
of

writer

a cc::::n.cn

for,

to the

one's

memory.

certain

on contemporaneous
is

interest

hopefully

in

a_,:!

about.

favorable

of

that

for

inherent

in ways

speak

book's

ac:::.e~

brothers

and affirm
or

this

to

my black

to,

lapses

congenital

dialogue

dangers

the

distance

can't

""lrI

the

overestimate

selective

speak

a Mar-1:a-=-:.a.n

learning

in Africa,

of what

events

others,

brought

part

indeed,

embrace

or

to

color

to

magnified

country

is
are

to

tendency

I can

pretending

FinalryrJ._there
the

that

background,"

the
their

of

the

known,

and

the

except!on

names

of

or

account.

my editor,

Henry

of

all

to

~=st

sone-=~::....:Jq

an honest

my friend

said

privacy.

a fiction,

to

the

5
,

~e~.:.s.

-"->-f'
<. l::
~bert

my wife,

~::.s:::~..

M!=~e::e.

,,,,.,

who always

knows

how to

encourage

..sail,

it

continents,
constant

is

that
love

song,

and

could

never

have

and

to
I

my_l!amily,

owe

the

and support,

their

love

my best

impulses.

.nl. ~

respect

stretched

deepest

without

gratitude.

their

willingness

to let

me sing

occasional

wrong

note,

of

the

hoped

to

If

nothing

for

them

:i-n retHr~

page.

and
their

toleration

I feel

oceans
Without

their

finish.

across

else,
~

oomes

I hope
through

that

I
the

on every

~-------------------------------------~~ambitions,
back

his

to

Kansas,

finally

then

Seattle,

finish

high

bought

pleased

where

house,

that

she

And that's

worked

as

themselves
proved

the

at

him

standing

grey,

his

the

until

it

deep

the

at
tall,

in his

towns,

enough

for

my mother
salesman,

although

University
her

of
from

then
to
they

They

partners.
school,

might

have

were

when she

Chicago

going,

stopped:

Except

something

heart,

some hunger

the
lanky

curves

first

under

deciding

alone.

story

life.

prematurely
horizon

in

again,

Texas

a furniture

forbid

live

my grandfather's

picture

to

moved

small

bridge

bright

admission

where

gnawing

smelling,

Gramps

to

a respectable

of
long

young

family,

a series

my grandfather

was too

family

stayed

my mother

program,

so the

they

found

an early

a special

and

through

school.

was offered

that

restlessness,

to

edge

of

frame

bulkier

reveal

nostrils,

must

the

oil

still

Pacific,
now,

entire

rigs

have

he couldn't

the

the

a house,

been
fill.

his

looking

globe,

hair
out

and

and cornhusks

at

still

and dust

and hard-bitten
that

lives

when the

manager

him one day that

business
around

_.,..;;_
.....
...........,sun
~

leftJ:ar

of the

furniture

company

where

to

open

up in Honolulu,

what

with

is

about
there,

i.J-(LI,$- VJ>,u. a..A.

he~alk~

on

the

of

fortune,

my grandmother

final

leg

of

their

into

behind.
he works

statehood
selling

journey,

the
towards

So
tells
that
right
house~
the

In search
sseceall!!d.1
t:obe

he had

seem limitless

corner,

.J.i.eabarking

he thought

a new store

prospects
the

that

searching

for

adventure,
that

a new start.

new start,
17

always

Gramps
running

always

away from

the

familiar.

would

By the

have

been

eagerness

to

fully

deeply

easily

His

whose

both

innocence;

road

slowly,
better

1960,

poetry
met

come

the

violence

In the

something

the

of

:.::: ~he :.ocal

Unitarian

::.::::: :.:-::i:tarians

----= ::-=:.:get

five

e.e:-:.::...:=.::.::.
.- :i:..ssuade

-=-------~::::

on the

religions

to

not

even

been

then

they

he had

thinker,

counted

religion,

closest

on~"

buying

consider

even

he wrote

enroll

of Jews

every

religion

he

wmala

s~

breakfast

he

In his
the

family

he liked

Christ

for

come to

of

( "For

come

him,

friends.

congregation;

the

would

a number

he would

scriptures

tested;

changed

bohemian

as his

18

of

fundamental

yet

mind,

be like

price,

Men who were

of their

of his

in

and

cowardice

War II.

have

him of church-going

s-..:ppose

its

might

jazz,

of men of

knowing
the

too

completely

freedom

that

to

fear

of

to

once

disappointment.

and

Universalist

drew

notion

had

business

organized

typical

because
to

and

one

always

and

make him at

or

of World

later,

a free

furniture
into

end,

back

listened

=:::ly skirmish

heroics

and

sophistication

control

lead

character

generousity

resentment

without
easily

the

of
could

the

my grandfather

on occasion,
in

and

precisely

would

without

as

in

though,

or worse.

himself

as

and promising

disappointments

had

open

men prone,

mix
that

his

same

character,

the

could

Hawaii,

the

either

embraced

as 1:.hey ooYl&' the

dangerous

In

to

who

enthusiasms

McCarthism

love

men
and

--

of emotion

him

in

awkward

was an American

generation,

individualism

I think

bruised,
for

arrived

same

rawness

entangled

understand.
his

the

the
and

they

formed,

please,

provincialism;
tactless

time

the
-Toot

sake,
cereal!"),

ideajlu..~,
"It's
would

Stanley,
but

if

my grandmother

Gramps

on some

streak

of

through

their

one

his

this

more

University

brought

them as vaguely

never

congeal

they

were

American.

mentioned

of Hawaii,

an African

was to

invite

him over

lonely,

Gramps

would

have

a look

at

father

arrived

struck

by the

favorite

at

singers;

probably

to

too

squeeze

she's

cook
the

they'll

leg

over

;.;e don't

her

to

with

the

bite

making

know yet;

the

to

kid's

his

lip

or

one

and

the
that
marry
this

of

sing,

face.

arguing

her.

a scene.

to

immediately

he can

my mother's

beside

Better
When my

my mother's
jokes

probably

herself.

boy if

the
first

home.

Cole,

the

at

their

King

Nat

came home

met

to

daughter

19

had

been

gestures,

story

ideology;

have

and how about

their

a firm

away from

on how intelligent

let

although

The poor

on

her

time,

might

notice

hand

measured
--

of

to

against
remark

they

one

sinewy

both

another

But would

look

alignment.

named Barack,

said

him asking

steaks,

enough

so dignified,
c~e

the

smooth,

warn

have

resemblence

telling

she

so far

Gramps

mortified

busy,

polite

instincts

door,

I imagine
the

how to

over,

the

like

dinner.

would

something

when my mother

student
for

the

with

own stubborn

rough

for

that

thought,

Toot

African's

understanding

over

him,

into

anything

friend

impulse

take

them

And so,

this

her

on thinking

liberal

into

and disagreed

notions,

own insistence

would

and

by nature,

outlandish

generally

marked

too,

day

skeptical

her

herself,

ideas

in this

of

independence,

for

All

was more

Toot
offer

not
He's

with

hand

his

reach

notices,

Toot
out
but

dessert;

her

When the

evening

the

man seems,

young

graceful

drapping

accent!
one?
point

doesn't

explain

is

of

There's

enough.
abstract

something

ideas

or political

find
--

out
the

what

black

around

Wichita,

without

much

the

the

Kansas

most

of

violence

codes

of my grandparer.ts

were

life

as hired

hands,

black

.c:::.er. .he

the

house.

~::e?'re

lives.~

in the

white

there

but

not

least

appear

in

form,

kept

images

take

at

South.

whites

once

way north

but

Deep

fields

given

genteel

people
the

its

to
see

had never

born,

among

data,

their

the

black

oil

with
more

really

informal,

:::.e:::.ories,
~he

the

Crow had made

more

a nini:::.:::.::::; .hen

to

do

I mean,

they

pervaded

governej

that

men who come arou.r:j

clean

its

that

of black

help

Americans,
Jim

in

--

enters

my grandparents

appeared

the

races

white

through

see

presence

before.

before
it

unspoken

between

foreign

like

well

shift

my grandparents

dusky,

to

personal,

--

back-track,

much thought

Kansas

same

to

that

this

people

into

is

was that,

s:=.

it

moment

;:!he truth

theory

I have

idiosyncratic.

ng

missing

contact
at

are

all

in

fleeting,

search

folks

there,

The

of work

laundry
like

or

td\le Sam
\

the

piano

player

er

"=::e =aid

preser.ce

or Amos and Andy on the

~hat

illicits

s nc"= l:::'"'.":::.l "=::ey ::.eve to

Texas,

a shadowy,

siler.~

3e~la::

neither

radio,

curiousity

nor

fear.
It
find
his
fron

first

-,,eek

his

fella.

custoners:

if

need
Later,

c:: ~r:e

any traces

cone

to
at

the

:r-ace issue

~::e
=~rr.i~ure
the
af'ter

bank

salesmen

coloreds

want

hours,
where

intruding

Gramps

:ob,

and
she

after

to

look

arrange

worked,
20

Toot

war,

that

I can

on their

lives.

During

some

friendly

advice

received
about

the

serving

black

at

merchandise,

for

the

their

made the

and Mexican

own

they

delivery.

acquaintance

of

the

black

vet

who

janitor
she

there,

remembers

chatted

in

weather,

a secretary

that

should

she

the

afterward,

to

of his

"What

question

her

and

we ever

calling

keep

halls.

to

go out

wife

happy.

began

mind,

long

building,
and

he

with

been

then

growing

the

numerous

and

easy-tempered,

eleven

out

or twelve
of a bad

moves,

by this

walks

prone

careful
they

he had

between
that

she understood,
distance

that

each

from his
get

but

was decided

passed

to

day,

the

other

in

co-workers

home to

filled

keep

with

the

vague

in town.

time,

the

to
and

Toot

her

child

She

of
head

began

would

who was just

The illness,

something
bury

hardest.

an only

of asthma.

had made her

but

It

although

my mother

case

man that

conversation

skittish,

strangers
hit

for

the

inward,

bad new air

the

invitations

21

Not
the

ib

hisse5

responding

to bed.

whenever

them

grew

for

'Mister,'

to decline

permanent

solitary

the

so mean?"

a topic

had gone

telling

They

have

on

them

and

what~rong,

before

an answer

maintain

a beer,

AJ:rthis

off

him

of
or

Toot

of

War II

two

'Mister.

corner

eyes

and sadness,

to

Gramps

apprehension:

children

be treated

Mr. Reed

of relief

for

to

my mother

now sought

the

done

in her

once

Graiaps

janitor

their
up to

in

asked

his

didn t have

lingered

a mixture

with

She

and dried

the

no nigger
Reed

World

'while

stormed

call
Mr.

black

own.

have

Toot would

about

office

himself.

Ky grandmother
the

Reedf

Mr.

the

find

back

dignified

day,

ever,

would

his

question

in

and

as

one

never,

quietly

straightened

only

hallway

Toot

weeping

a tall

a loner

along
--

with

cheerful

in

a book

or wander

to

worry

that

her

eccentricities
at

were

her

new

children

for

ideas

--

Stan

name,

Stanley

wanted

a son).

When Toot
in

in the

some spot

came home to
surrounds

their

contortions

of rage

unison,

yard,
eyes

out

children

fence.

Toot'

toes
before

her

legs

towards

the

the

closer

to

usually

find

the

sky

of her

Toot

fence

that

ohildr8;(,'

she

laughter,

faces.

They were

or

own.

day that

picket
the

porch

yellow

the

the.H?.,l_mirthless

alternating

her.

world

one day,

on their

called

off

of

judicious

the
chanting

rhythm:

scattered

when

they

saw

her,

but

not

before.,.a"

\A--

of the

coming
cause

on the

would

outside

about

she

other

lover!"

several

the

less
they

some solitary

drew

the

Yankee!"

"Nigger

roll,

Gramps

steamer,

was that

and disgust

by

lover!

"Dirty

The

into

sounds

a high-pitched,

"Nigger

of

swinging

fixed

As she

the

mercilessly

(one

of children

house.

She made no friends

home from work,

There

a crowd

out

teased

Stanley

pulled

one day.

find

make

her

pronounced.

Ann

front

dirt,

for

was

got

the

grass,

in the

Except

in

her

alone

or lying

could

She

Man.

my mother

more

school.

he had

the

becoming

the

boys
eyes

followed

to

rest

at

for
same

one

into

the

all

the

the

stone

their
the

stoneis

foot

of

excitement:

skirts

ground,

of my mother's

in t-he-H; hands

the

age ~lying

stomaches,
dug

sent

sailing

ti"t."rajectory;

a tree.
my mother

and

a black

gathered

up above

their

propped

up

heads

books.

the

when

in

grass,

From a distance
22

the

a thud,

That's

together

their

over

side

she

saw

girl

of

by side

knees,

their

on their
the

two

hands
of

them

seemed

perfectly

tree's

leafy

fragile

forms.

standing

before

that

serene,

hands

"If

an

had

drawn

It

was

only

them that

she

eyes

going

Come on.

mother

~nd

for

could

say

reached
anything

her

down the

Gramps

was beside

the

off

from

He personally

called

to

a piece

give

spoke

them
to,

don't

best

play

It's

hard

what penaanent
out
111e

only

of these

times,

girl

gate

the
their

and

was

was shaking,

tears.

leaned

The girls

down

work

and

"then

you.

put

girl's

hand;

her

to

goodness

picked

but

scampered

whippets,

for

She

11

churning

up my

before

she

feet,

and

her

when he heard

what

down names.

The next

his

the
to

to

pay

parents

of

a visit

to

the

of some of the
mind.

And from

up dust,

as

had happened.
day,

school

he took

principal.

offending
every

He

children,

adult

that

he

same response.
your

daughter,

in this

Mr.

were
of

Gramps

to

give

made or broken;

subsequent
would

Dunham.

White

girls

town."

know how much weight

light

said,

of

had

like

wrote

allegiances

in the

girl

legs

coloreds

to

black

Toot

other

himself

the

talk

with

the

finally

if

around

opened
the

as

street.

he received

"You

the

long

my mother,

morning

Toot

Both

the

more,

vanished

interrogated

shield

to play,"

go on inside.

she

invisible

swallowed-back

Toot

sake,

away,

postcard,

heads.

you two are

was running

a picture

realized
with

until

their

when

shone

motionless,
on both

as

shade

my mother's

remained

still

insist
23

events.
that

to

these

whether
Whenever

~~

taey1_ended

episodes,
they

stand

he spoke
up leaving

to

1
~~

Texas~ecause

of their

discomfort

circumspect;

once,

when we were

had

moved

only

finally

well

on his

job,

vocabulary
should

back

treat

or

to

way,

own history,5t:o

Bar.

all."

That's

account

I don't

with

the

dismiss

just

suspicious

content

better

in

their

figured

we

of overwrought

common sense.

with

of

they

him;a
even

more

particularly

wasn't
and

my grandfather,
conform

01

'racism'

is

me that

had promised

my grandmother,

her

tell
doing

grandfather

claims,

trust

I know about

And yet

"Your

overblown

why I tend

word

decently,

that

wasn't

in Seattle

Toot

racism.

she would

Gramps

the

then.

wise

sentiments

what

people

She's

is

to~'

such

alone,

because

and a friend

According

j-eb.

with

events;

it

the

way he liked

ima~e

he wished

Which

corresponds
to

rewrite

for

Gramps'

recollection

an

of1__revisionism.

to
his

himself.

of

~/
as

events.,l

convenient

bit

of

precisely

because

fictions;

how badly

puffery,
I

know

act

how

he wanted

strongly
them

al ways know how to make them so.

people

became

worked

its

way through

black

race,

least

--

of

their

become

scandal,

children,
looks

a
the

like

b.hn, part

a part

and lifhtspers

that

his

pain,

to

After

Texas,

fiction

dreams

their

at

wounds,

of

would

his

mother

who

has

gone

away,

that

he's

no

Racism

was part

and respectability

and

that

gossip

had
24

kept

--

that

black

narrative

that

own mind,

father

and the

cruelty

fair-haired

and

of the

in his

the

past,

his

he didn't

The condition

absent

of that

convention

the

in

if

I suspect

night.

own: the

even

his,

with

realization

believed

be true,

merged

a wop.
of

of

Gramps

can't,

boy,

his

hint
other

that

he

instincts

told

the

smirks

status,

him on the

of

at

outside

looking

in.~
C:::Those
people

instincts

of

his

opposite

direction,

by

and

the

with

strained

for

generation

relationship

the

his
time

they

would

grow

ashamed

of his

desire

of

his

obliterate

be her
it

most

lasting
the

sight

some mysterious
Such

f--L*'

talk

cake,

a ring,
it's

informed.

Just

perhaps

just

stiff

upper

lip

determination,

clear

the

and didn't
they
but

of

the

the

so

do anything

to

realized

man offered,

in

have

made

arn~

a real

Toot ~
wedding,

were

in

No families

folks

back

in Kansas

a justice

of

the

were
peace.

so haphazard.
it

long

to be,
as

they

a trial

And
that

maintained

drastic.

not

25

proved

of

intended

sway of their

the

When my rnot:h-er

in retrospect,

miscalculated

in

wouldn't

bride.

time,

was this

that

Gramps

ceremony,

so fragile

and

own heart.

no record

that

civil

a matter

a black

accessible,

how my grandparents

pass,

cloth,

fatber,---both

of

it

confidence

hi:m aHy-"easier:--

ffiY

away

even

seems

would

so,

if

There's

a small

that's

If

to

his

would

temper,

my grandfather~

with

into

bgfon~

of

not

thing

daughter

~a.-,~4-o~

a giving

attendance;

Whether

even

engagement

ot1t

her

The whole

........
~

from whole

already
she

--

an

Gramps'

although

this

in

was

manners

past,

world

a window

decisions

her

annouru;ed

to

way,

self-knowledge,

spgeific

the

of his

And although

--

hamfisted

patrimony.

ran

daughter

Hawaii

many white

and often-violent

crude,

the

for

instincts

mob.
old

instability

of remaking

or not,

the

his

the

of the

reached

forgive

I think;

background,

eighteen-year

quite

to

something,

direction

never

possibility

if

count

only

my

own emotions.

mother's
First

quiet
the

baby

arrived,

eight

and all

~ Then

the

rest,

time

a few beers

with

sound

integrationist

creed,

shrinking,

sympathies

moved

King's

to

magnificent

and still

keep

memories

is

astronauts
Force

of

Base

astronauts

black

in

through

the

portal

brightly

in the

midday

sun.

of the

astronauts

end

of
in

Gramps

the

Hawaii;

Hawaii,

with

his

black

port

Union's

space

the

son-in-law,

of

Dr.

moon,

at
I

the

as

Hickam

Air-

remember

the

crowd,

chamber,
always

barely
glinting

swear

that

I waved back.
dustbowl
his

the

It

didn't

brown

one
was

just

grandson,

age.

by which
newest

of

was

had in

shoulders

isolation

out

world

One of my earliest

from

at me, and that

passage

better
the

just

the

the

away

an

more

men on the

arrived

But Gramps would

--

was entering

And what
than

story

of

seeing

from Wichita

land

missions

far

far-off

New Frontier,

America

new

new-found
the

splashdown.

glasses,

waved

family

pride.

newspapers

that

in bondage?

successful

aviator

mind

do?

to his

America's

Kennedy's

Apollo

of

himself

the

on my grandfather's

visible

part

the

citizens

one of the

after

his

How could

me sitting

from

in

of

dream.

their

read

to

about

imagine

of

that

forefront

economy,

and
to

decide

changing;

the

listen

or the

fingers

potential

Gramps might

begin

ten

suppose

source

reports

and

they

Kremlin,

early

and

transforming
even

politics
the

toes

""' .a-.tt-

conspire,

my father,

He would

finding

ten

tolerable,

or

future.

carefully,

to

about

Whitehall

the

fact

off

with

foo~~~at,Lwere

began

something

like

into

place

for

into

son-in-law
places

two ounces,

hungry

and

misfortune
Sharing

pounds,

to

member?
26

launch

on this

new adventure

Even now, with

the

state's

population
food

quadrupled,

emporiums

marching
the

with

and

pornographic

relentlessly

first

steps

into

that
The

corral

beds

of

enough

to

the

high

full

touch.

canopies

if

in

sultry,

a slow-motion

earth

air

where

rock

the

bronzed

aborted

--

treaties

the

carving

for

sugar

that

kept

up to

the

time

eJRory,

up of
cane

in

during

sun,

same

war --

arrived
that

it

fish

its
close

blossoms,

the

on the

walk

crumbling

Pali's

all
it
the

must

armies

have

and

to

could

peaks.

The

seemed

as if

the

the

begin

waves.

brought

volcanic

soil

immigrants

had
sun

land

away

with

through

system

stooped
of

sun-

Japaneseand yet

from
as

of

companies

history,

somehow vanished
burned

a place

indenturing

internment

was recent

of

missionaries;

by American

and Filipino

this

the

by the

the

the

anew;

Hawaiians

plantations;

fields,

chain

The history

native

disease

contorted,

up this

populate

by the
of

27

beauty

with

Shore,

had forced

globe

conquest

black

these

clouds

Bay,

birds,

North

retrace

by the

parrot

off

surface,

washed

and Chinese

my family
like

the

pineapple

the

shadows

continents,

across

rich,

Japanese

of the

in 1960,

ocean's

ugly

and

I can

and ginger

stampeding

and crippling

sunrise

Americans

The

the

by the
the

and

of invisible

waves

of

of the

from

hill,

Haunama

fish

cliffs

arrived

weary

through

pioneers

Islands

angel

sound

sub-divisions

and be stunned
of

fast-

twilight.

newly

itself,

children

the

with

and

of green

plane

and

reel.
of

civilizations

emerald

blue

The thunderous

scented

bitter

glassy

with

stores

as a child

snapper

filled

To my family,
the

fold

The moss-covered

up Manca Falls.
as

jammed wall-to-wall
video

every

I took

Islands.

of

Waikiki

by

collective

morning

mist.

There

were

impose
the

too

the

Mainland's

most

secure

ardent

in the

with

things

in

into

the

into

contact

cause

copy

People

still

self-help

breezy,
his

racial

harmony.

Dale

sits

hand

his
of the

Hawaii

and

enjoy

so
the

too

diffuse,

to

few blacks
surf

that

and

in Hawaii

had little

Carnegie's

except

one

melting

that

mailman

How to

his

sana.{~
to do

how to

growing

he must

have

whip

to the

up,

out

Gramps,

I would

and

hear

would
of

stranger;

or make off-color

business.

along

pictures

nearest

jokes

who came

furniture

get

Influence
of

today's

with

others,

in
help

the

him

the

him with

family

he would

to the

an

themselves

a forerunner

decided

pot,

threw

Win Friends

preached

He would
history

through

--

and

true

especially

mantelpiece
it

self

life

the

My grandparents

of people

on his

style

as

understanding,

a range

customers.

provide

system;

race-mixing

of

of

chatty

among them

might

that

of mutual

one's

caste

legend

books,

with

power

home.

with

An old

rigid

knowledge

the

experiment

with

segregationist

back

Thus

not

many races,

and

pump the

waitress

at

the

restaurant.
As I got

older,

more forgiving
them,

that

his

a grandson

so that

while

a wide

circle

of

himself

Freddy

and ran

the

choicest

edib1e

cuts

wrappers.

grandfather's

he never

gained

make me cringe,

appreciate

his

much influence,

for
so

market
sashimi,

often,

as delivery

near

and give
the

Hawaiians

men would
28

our

invite

but

people

curiosity

about

he made himself

A Japanese-Am.erican

a small

of aku

would
would

friends.

Every
store

antics

man who
house

would

me rice

called
save

candy

who worked
us

over

for

us

with
at

my

taro

paste

and

would

smoke

some

scrambled

Park,

where

smoked

roasted

rose,

hung

from

dive

into

until

she

cigars

and spat

the

how,

us out
cabin

checkers

the

and

to

spear

grandparents

surface
at

Gramps

and

Mainland

who expressed

such

watching

me play

Kamehameha,

in the

appropriate

picture's

as

it

they

with

which

A gas

on

lantern
the

men

flashlights
a large

we repeated

he would

Hawaii's

Idaho

tell

that

first

fish,

to

Maine."
to

avoid

another

each

cause

the

towards

visitors

Whenever

Gramps

I was

the

The story

from

hard

issues.

story,

of

he liked

the

the

saw tourists
to them,

great-grandson

"I'm

is

my

scornful

come up and whisper

Bar,"

29

would

adopted

monarch.

scrapbooks,
to

stock

quickly

took

reverence,

a strategy

readily

emerged

sun

a good deal

I watched
their

racial

hang-ups.

sand,

in a thousand
"From

--

my

residents

King

the

end of their
poles;
as we threw~~
u:::o
would tell
me the-Hawaiian
name cjf t~

J>(_
Hawaiian

just

they

was blood.

before

of

way home.

few problems,

the

beams

Ali'

men who

it

Bay.
as

to

the

surroundings,

with

hours

boat

the

like

Kailua

herself

Filipino

had given

off

fix

Gramps

old

juice

fishing

until

attitude

in

fish

waters,

flopping

entire
such

the

morning,

~u~humu-nuk.u-<Pulru--apua._ka

In

I see

with

one early

home and

accompany

up bettlenut

on a small

an ice-bucket,

a grin.

I'd

down heartil~-

get

man whom my grandfather

pitch-black

the

gobbled

could

Sometimes

to play

took

irridescent

other

Gramps

he liked

beneath

.f-i-st'r --

which

remember

set

glowing

eggs)

a Portuguese

a sofa

-,t--into

cigarettes

cheap

And I still

pig,

sure
to

of

that
tell

ambiguous,

your
me with

I think;

And yet

Gramps

tourist

who

would
saw

me

M'L.

swimming
to

one day and,

him that

which
boy

"it

must

he responded
happens
is

from the

miles

in

either

fast

rest

of the

world

In the

end,

about.

that

had

between

Rights

Act:

parochialisa
the
i::an

childhood.
Except
paradise,

aimse,

to

haunts

it

does

It

could

soe

one

thing:

and nothing

that

an ocean

for

wasn t

ignorance
that

the

of

less

even
than

eden

that

we just

my father
my mother
30

had

a spirit

of an

that
of

fleeting
the

Voting

universalism

over

of

the

future

over

of

race

or

haunted
extends

believed
was

halting,

ennoble.
it

changes

attitudes

passage

the

perhaps

the

for

a nation

my father

the

to

differences

were

of

about

voice

a victory

if

his

assume

racial

gave

grip

lost

be true,

Kansas,

if

him,

around

and

me no

to

than

Jlall

vindication

and

"that

race

stories

grandparent's

na.rrow-aindedness,

that

for

the

election

nev world

isn't

anymore;

the

people

coae

seewing

and

as

all

stories

the

would

a bright

one

evoking

the

Kennedy's

instruct

fiction,

sense,

and

past,

in

since

from

was safe

To

up.

vb.at

by which ay

the

it

about

less

place

that

period

really

figure,
is

about

be catching

said

In that

a spirit

worry

commented

Hawaiians."

my grandfather,

locales,

that's

process

changed.

to

to

and there

For

to,

these

mother

of Kenya,

needed

to

be hard
his

place."

would

They

incomplete

age,

interior

in certain

taken

would

my grandson,

really

held

who she was talking

come naturally
that

damn

still

were

just

be

father

you

knowing

that

to

something

not

missing.

or grandparents

culture
A useful

my family,
beyond

mere

He had

left

..

told

me could

obviate

that

single,

~ t..a_

te 11 me boat.

his

fact.
his

in1pressions,

-im
it

unassailable

..Q.&ft-

from a dist.ant

o.J,i(~~ti

might

black

gil

~nst

serve~~
menacing

mysterlO'l:a:u
I don't
seen

ho~

in

the

continent.

herding

Honolulu

and

attend

programs

which

he

as

down a Texas

have

this;

have

it~I~n
upon

the

model

scolds

the

waste

of

time,

the

1-1: may hav~

graduation,

he

ambassador

for

of

for

University

cultural

he

article

his

and

road,

girl

student,

dormitories

the

of gold,

for

preferred

or

one -- the

a heart

and wins

what

Reed,

or grandparents

to promote

Mr.

the

town

into

designed

describe

responsible,

students

viewed

to

he h~

that

an attractive

star-Bulletin

He mildly

visiting

races

couldn't

images

Like

albeit

the

.,,id_;._-.;5

my mother

father

appears~
his

she

out

~"~'CC

the

arms.

>a[.ftive,

-:::,

blame
my

published

as

stories

They couldn't

his

~~~.turns
u ...1.an~'-'=

doub:ts,

lana:
in

-.1Ll

Their

Hawaii

forcing

them

to

understanding,

all

of

distraction

from

the

Iv{.,

* practical

training

experienced

any

segregation

and

he

sought.

problems
overt

He

adds

that

al though

-=---

personally,

_,,L.

discrimination

"

hasn't
self-

t
t,

various
fact

ethnic
that

groups;

"Caucasians"

end of prejudice.
he is careful
learn

from

the

expresses

in Hawaii

But if

his

Hawaii,

whites,

he says,
together
both

are

occa:

note:

is

the

towards
in

Pft'l"

assessment:

to end on a happy

work practically
found

he

one thing

other

nations

willingness~he~of

common development,

Kenya
31

and

on the

Mainland,

could
races

to

something

he

too

often

unwilling

to

do.

I discovered
high

school,

the
folded

1accination

forms.

No mention

is

whether

article
away

among

It's

a short

of

my mother

made

the

much

omission

was

later,

when

my birth
piece,
I,
on

omission

caused

I would
;Frealize
too

that

young

span,

it

her

as

spell

that

know that

seems

mother,

~~~wn

that

parents,

and

each

dreams

had been.

In that

9ra~~~~
that

all

my birthday

gets

in

about

tail

who befriends

capricious,

for

to

wonder

part,

in

the

failed

to

reporter

my

father's

for

I was

salvaging

his

the

under

first

the

For

six

worlds

imperious

space,

I learned

will

learn.

out

into

effort

to

will

have

loss.

From the

me in the
withered

first

legs
32

bind

just

as I was

as

my
even

they'd

left

place

where

their

early

lessons

ball

it,

my mother
with,

that,

given

as

father

short

spell

Pacific;

play

to

thought

the

retrieve
to

young

of my life,

A beach

the

it

same

years

the

too

an improbably

the

they

I occupied

swept

Japan

something
girl

of him.

left

father,

a race.

them,

children

fruitless

children

I'm

a live-in

fell

and

of

time,

to have

for

was broken

a chance,

the

my father

reclaimed

for

(\

at

I needed

behind

given

I was suppose

to

old

____.-iuy parents.

not

and

my father's

Perhaps
by

in

a photograph

and

intentional

already

certificate

with

or

I was

to me

we watch

and

tells
I

of a pretty,

grade,

I sense

him to

a wheel

that
chair;

my-

me
learn
pony-

life

is
that

man's

hearty

laugh

is

one of my first

dog gets

overexcited

while

her

bushes

scratching

into

band-aid
the

to

girl's

suspect

and

the

girl's

the

near

the

beneath
side,

toads,
their

and

of trees,

and we walk

quietly

over

a hill,

service.

with

steps

with

wonder.

splayed
In

of

with

the

sound.

to

next

pushing

mo~heF applies

-m}I

sooth

take

door,

Our

Toot-

as

to

the

her

her

loud

home,

cries,
I

as

begin

their
atop

park

across

from

to

house

piled

high

large

stones

what

looks

to be an opening

a wide

to wake the
field

and palm,
eyes

dragon

of grass,

blinking
like

twilight,

their

throaty

We don't

speak,

just

out

over

that

sleeps
African

a pond

full

the

surface,

men at

a bar

calls

fill

listen,

on one

under

we discover

lily-pads,

33

are

our

of

so as not

through

of them,

fore-legs

for

through

and willow

and wisteria
hundreds

come

A mound

a groove

a girl

face;

and tries

of courage.

friendship.

I walk

university.

within.
tulip

of

with
her

silently

fragility

My mother

playing

brow

parents

impressions

and

waiting
the

I'm

of

air

filled

Chapter

The road

to the

motorcycles,
their

tricycle

capacity

for

space

stopped,
brakes
of

mid-afternoon

found

an

motor
mother,

gum and

and

their

exhaust

--

wizened

brown

with

where

chasing

disappeared

down the

in

Marines
the

street

clippers.

nodded
grew

of
in

dirt

beyond.

we hit

the

Embassy,

the

34

into

tots

slipped

and the

a pair

the

of

store,

the

road,
baskets

smoldering

the

mud and

until

taxi

the

rhythm
where

thick

they

dropped

smartly-dressed

courtyard,
steady

the

frantically

in

highway,

the

before
their
-f-1.,_
examined
an

they

dipped

in

straw

pleasure,

by the

Embassy

of

with

where

Inside

as

round-headed

road

replaced
at

of

blunt

squatted

father,

a turn

side

flies

earth

squeeling

greeting.

faint,

away

avoided

back,

stacked

The children

leaves,

the

We stopped

sarongs

away a group

its
into

the

honked,

barely

to

of mechanics

brown

hen.

up once

front

brown

a pair

black

and banana

off

Along

brushing

see

corn-husks

us

bandits.

the

one

handkerchiefs

and a pair

I could

eased

with

a few feet,

shooed

on

as

fighting

Horns

then

family

leaning

faded

them,

a scrawny

Things

of

lazily

engin;t_~Behind
dump,

wrapped

fruit,

garage,

entire

to twice

all

forward

driver

trucks,

filled

again.

cigarettes,

all

women in

ripe

open-air

loose

cars,

limbs,

We nudged

Our taxi

an

family

and

~stopped

daughter

mouths

traffic:

and jitneys

wheels

heat.

rang.

carrying

son

road,

high

bells

scooter

of

opening,

with

buses

a procession

in the

hawking

was choked

rickshaws,

--

screeched,

boys

Embassy

clamor

of

of gardening

my mother

bought

two

comic

marched

books

for

me and

a Newsweek

down the

smooth,

marbled

He was

a portly

black

office.
sprinkled

grey

at

herself,

corridors
man,

templesf)An

the

for

and

with

before

into

her

closely

American

we

boss's

cropped

flag

drapped

hair

down in

rich

folds

desk

and

from the
offered

pole
a firm

smelled

of aftershave;

I stood

at attention

air

peak~the

she

audience

went

off

homework
chair

to

to browse
for

development

plastic
felt

of

vaguely

children

I thumbed

before

a game

stacks.

I
I

over
of

surveys.

through

read

to

guess

streets
maybe

35

"their

of

held

my

little

five-year
I found
in

clear

advertisements

and

Zenith

TV

men in white

as women in red

caption{)

and cho_res;

books

and the

out

and DodgeFever,

the

the

while

books

(Mm-mm good!),

ice

cobble-stone

library

displayed

glossy

Tires

hide-and-go-seek,

of schools

the

Soup

the

progress
like

Bank reports,

neatly

over

tried

neck.

But in one corner

kept

Goodyear

Seagrams

World

the

climbing

Most of the

boy --

his

He

of privilege.

my comic
before

his

man?

and dry,

me down in the

I finished

and Campbell

on.

dashing

tired

--

breeze

over

into

about

was cool

sat

Magazines,

pouring

merrily

photographs

home,

Life

best?)

turtle-necks
looked

old

reassured

the

and heady

out

young

hard

questions

pure

the

you,

cut

office

geological

binders.

(Why not

scene,

through

plans,

his

made me bring,

a nine-year

a collection

collar

my mother

had

He reached

the

do some work.

my mother

interest

starched

in

over,

desk.

How are

as I answered
The air

of mountain

his

handshake:

his

in my studies.

our

beside

subject

mini-skirts
of

the

news

"'7'h,e photo
of French
v
-- that
was a happy
they

laughter

had

run

spoke

away
of fr~

from

-----

;/he

photograph

girl

in

sick,

of

a tub

her

breast,
herself

full

legs

the

woman who cradled

of shallow

mother's

water

her
face

--

head

that

fallen

suspended

was sad,

back

in

a young,

sorrow,

the

naked

girl

was

against

the

mother

perhaps

she

blamed

..

glasses

I came across

and a raincoat,

guess

what

this

about

him.

On the

up of

the
as

turned

back

hair,

if

his

uneven,

the

to

or

street

mistakes

be

few

picture,

sorry

about

response

wasn't

how badly
There
back

to

it

the

trying

the

saw that

unusual

one a close-

nose,

unnatural

flesh.

the

When I

man's

were

in America

advertisements

--

thought.
I had

all

crinkly
this

for
to

seen

when I read
after

it

all.

one
had

the

with

same

of
out.

undergone
promised
36

on the

explained

about

that

to

went

as

the

his

man,

results

him,

black

as

was
were

same treatment,

happiness

He expressed

a white

like

with

received
lighten

But the

of people

that

those

own money.

himself

thousands

victim,

The man had

his

had turned

of

words

explained,

pass

who'd

A radiation

my mother

article

things
were

and

Except

He had paid

irrevesible.
and woen

nothing

a strange,

from

in dark

I couldn't

this

had

fleshy

it

before,

treatment,

about

broad,

street.

seemed

drawn
I

sick,

genes.

that

regret

photograph,

been

that's

days

in the

complexion.

another

picture,

terribly

an albino,

chemical

there

man,

hue.

He must
maybe;

about;

The hands

had

and

of an older

down an empty

hands.

first

lips

ghostly

page,

blood

the

heavy

was

next

man's

a photograph

walking

picture

same

pallor,

some

Japanese

twisted,

Eventually

the

the

---------------------

~--

men
in
white

---~--~~-

person.~.
As I read

_':f.,hot.

My stomach~,,

my mother

reading

hadn't

they

a dream,
mother
were

type

to

and neck

to blur

on the

I had

the

sudden,
I had

my newfound
my face

place.

--

why was

he so

hall?

learned,

held

to

demand

me back.

As in
time

and the

the

Why
urge

By the

a smile

The room,

Did

desparate

fear.

wore

getting

page.

down the

But something

for

proper

boss

feet

show them what

me home,

in there

my face

her

a few

thing?

no voice

came to take

began

reports

or assurance.

had

I felt

What about

his

of my seat,

back

the

me this

some explanation

text,

this?

through
told

jump out

this

knotted,

know about

calm,

to

through

air,

my

magazines

were

quiet

as

before.

We had
the

result

another

student

with
been

good,

his

grace

had met at

the

of his

thick

black
or

the

hours

of

sessions

with

me.

chess

hair

even,

time
with

proposed,

and

for

Lolo

features

I was four

my grandfather

wanted
37

sat
us

named

that
his

His
but

the

good

and dark-brown,
could

have

tennis

and

move with

as

game was

imperturbable.

I was six,

me down one
to

Lolo,

no end,

possessed

tempermant
until

time,

of Hawaii.

He was short

and his

by that

Gr amps to

Indonesian;

When my mother

years

an Indonesian

tickled

and
as

three

University

people.

Samoan

uncommonly

endless

had

to

man,

from the

Lolo

remarriage

suit

For two years,

that

over

which

Mexican

smile

for

in Hawaiian,

didn't

and easy

handsome,
easily

Indonesia

whom she

crazy

meaning

manners

in

of my mother's

?1ame meant
the

lived

he endured

long
day

wrestling
to

him

tell
to

me

a far

away place,

I wasn't

ask

she

her

if

things

were

that

him

--

I'd

been

My mother's

fighting

back

made me feel

and expressed

brave,

no objections.

around

chin

enough

trembled,

tears,

and

she

pulled

though

I wasn't

sure

I did

to

know

as it

such

still

me into

does

a long

hug

and my mother

and

why .

i)

'Ii".)

loved

important.

when she's
.,/'

surprised,

Lalo
I spent
and

left

months

hotel

packed,
in

Hawaii

remembered

an

Spice

shrouded

pulled

of

names,

he

the

Islands

his

aloud.

eyes

called

the

Whoever
under

she
control,

full

of

of

"You never
mother
over

to

her

but

the
pilots

here
to

back

they

even

find

out

informed

her

still

insisted

that

-these

Toot

powdered
people

tossed

then,

if

will

He

the

country

that

the

Tang,

there,"
book,

boxes

and
Toot

was stable.
situation

several

cans

she

names,

over
the

as

head-hunters!"

eat,"

in several

names

Conrad

enchanted

we pack

milk,

the
Bali.

reading

got

there

we boarded

I wore

a Pan

a long-sleeve

stewardesses
wings

-~----------,

off

we

of

said

was
trunks

sardines.

firmly.

of candy

My

and won me

side.

Finally,
globe.

from

they still
got tigers
,,
'1 He looked up from

foodstuffs

sighed,

said,

While

Sumatra,

here

she

know what

and ticked

Borneo,

tickets

shots.

"Says

to

but

of

called

Department

spoke

series

plane

were

"Says

state

and visas,

they

"And orangatangs.

widened.

that,

an atlas

Java,

in mystery.

read

out

chain:

-'

~-f he

endless

island
some

after

-- passports

reservations,
my grandfather

the

suddenly

in preparation

Indonesia's

boy,

quite

plied
that

white

me with

I wore

Am

over

puzzles

jet

for

shirt

and

flight
a grey

and extra

my breast
38

our

pocket.

around
clip-on

peanuts,

the
tie;

and metal

on a three-day

stop-over
the

in

great

a ferry

bronze
that

my mother
the

Japan,

we walked

Buddha

passed

tarmac

flash

rippling

clutched

her

at Kamakura,

through

studied

high

bone-chilling
and ate

the

determined

to

tea

lakes.

Walking

heat,

rains

green

mountain

cards.

with

hand,

through

off

sun

the

her

plane

on

evenings

in Jakarta,

as
from

see

ice-cream

In the

bright

protect

to

furnace,

whatever

might

come.
But Lolo

was there

mustache

now hovering

me up in

the

air,

carrying

our

luggage

into

an awaiting

bags

in the

just

laughed

speaking
For

soldiers;
appeared
had

the

soldiers

worry

the

driver's

The

car

new house

already

seat.

which

enrolled

--

to
in

"Those

our

at

us,

friends

of,"

us,

but

make,

but

good

39

all

the

the

man

around

us,

unfamiliar.

of brown-uniformed
holsters,

but

they

something

that

Lolo

asked

if

the

a few

Lolo

said,

climbing

of mine."

he told

school,

and

bags.

are

in a nearby

but

my mother

care

just

customs

smelling

a group

taken

finished,

at

swirled

laughing

hoisted

man who was

something

their

a bushy

as he lifted

know,

joined

all

a Japanese
was

guns

through

was borrowed,

new otorcycle

talk

wiry

line

say

People

mood,

that's

long

to

I didn't

finally

check
--

a small,

cheerfully

tried

Lolo

a jovial

to

my mother,

the

head.

had

When Lolo
needed

He hugged

follow

past

in a language
we watched

"Don't

us to

his

time

said.

heavier,

The man smiled

nodded

in

a few pounds

smile.

and my mother

and

be

his

us,

straight

car.

trunk,

to

soldiers

into

over

greet

and told

rapidly

a long

to

he had
enough

touch-ups

and the relatives

bought
for
left.

a brand
now.

The
I was

were anxious

to

meet

us.

back-seat
green
of

As he and my mother
window

uninterrupted,

diesel

and

through

the

hats.

water

the

falling

back

smoke.

Men and

Lolo

herd

his

faces

it's

said,

and the

a few were

of
the

deer
vast

thoughts

the

Hawaii

--

on

lawn.

several

miles,

government

and a man named Sukarno.

appeared
ahead

not
of

standing

to

us.

tall,

figure,

out,

from

me.

Instead,

he touched

road,

the

Lolo

he

body
said

turned

around

so dark

against

the

the

and gleaming

out

twitches
after

of

that,

gold

alone

finally

in
said

something

about

the

back-seat,

but

Lolo

my arm and motioned

a towering

giant,

And
at

face

mesmerized

sun,

to

leap

there,

least

ten

of an ape.

statue.

my seat,

40

very

Lolo pointed

was

poised

buildings

the

upward.

the

and men

now cooled

pointing

as we circled
in

that

said,

of a man and the

straw

of a dumb-

the

my mother

shouted

the
with

make

cranes

of bamboo.

white

grounds,

"Look,"

"Hanuman,"
god."

hear

astride

stories

entirely

smell

Indonesia,

Palace,

until

and

and markets

Hotel

silent

brown

wide

back

then

trees

He grew

Sukarno?"

the

the

like

a stick

center,

the

something

"Who's

couldn't

timber;

Presidential

lived

green

with

and

than

old

on the

out

the

stepped

stores

new shopping

higher

that

for

in

forest,

by their

sat

haunch

gravel

buildings

into

hidden

small

my head

landscape,

women

as an otter,

with

When we passed

against

their

whipping

like

only

road.

villages

loaded

taller,

but

passing

wet and slick

carts

I stuck

the

paddies,

at

became more congested,

pulling

modern,

stared

buffalo,

The streets

grew

wood

rice

A boy,

faced

--

and

talked,

"The monkey

by
into

the

solitary
the

sky

as

puny traffic
said,

swirled

"Strong

smiling.

demons,

he's

never

The house
town.

as

clothes

ran

to

washed

bungalows,

red

gravel

small
had

but

for

howl

back

with

a start,

flat

head

and

branch.

Lalo

as

it

wound past

it

finally

dirt

front.

Lalo

fights

the

outskirts

of

from

with

out

above.

arms,
from

drop
his

into

the

pocket

tree

in

and

the
he

heard
and

a small,

a low,

handed

I jumped

with

into

and

that

explai~we

down

narrow

announced

gibbon,

from

stucco

mango

My mother

a full-grown

menacing
a peanut

could

washing

and white-

was modest,
a big

brown

turned

stores

Lalo

he

and

then

small

itself

tree

and :rwmsJ

drew

road

peetered

~ gefore

up in the

long,

The

airy,

a wide

bathing

As we enterred,

me.

spanned

villagers

The house
and

on the

that

below.

was open

surprise

bridge

banks

kampong.

in

defeaning

warrior,"

When he

area,

see

until

it

a great

men.

could

steep

courtyard
a

"He's

a hundred

a narrow

to

of the

tile,

over

the

tarmac

foot-paths

as

feet.

defeated."

we passed,

along

its

was in a still-developing

The road

river;

around

nearby

it

to

the

~~

-ape.

"His

name is

Hew Guinea
look,

but

for
Tata

suspicious;
said,
there's

you."

handing

he said.

threatened

the

"I brought

I started

I decided

to

to lunge,
to

its

forward

to

dark-ringed

the

way from

get

a closer

eyes

fierce

and

where

I was.

another

peanut.

"He's

on a leash.

Come --

my mother,

and

gave

me a tentative

smile.

like

a small

ape

stay

step

him all

"Don't

worry,"

Lalo

more."
I looked

In the

Tata,"

back

up at
yard,

we found

what

she

seemed
41

zoo:

chickens

----------

4 and

ducks

baleful

that

running

howl,

two birds

two baby

alligators,

off

towards

pond

reptiles.
crawled

out

rice

every

half-way
the

edge

through

a whole
bit

three,

one

a big

a white

submerged

of the

were

and

way,

of paradise,

"There

field,

which,

"

he

fence.

his

ducks.

left,

but

of

and

water,

Lolo

said,

in the

dog

cockatoo,

under

compound.

yellow

in

stared

"but

We had

a fencedthe

biggest

into

finally

down at

the

Slipped

with

one

somebody's

to

hunt

it

by

torchlight."
There
the

wasn't

mud path

children

into

waved

came up to
Lolo's

much light
the

from

shake

dragon-fly

hovering

the

the

house,

back-yard

in his

called

over

was,

and

where
looked
the

back

narrow

pin.

a boy

of

a string.

hand.

Lolo

r.t
1

gutter.

end

at

is

Lolo

nodded

gent 1 y under
For

the

down

neighborhood

barefoot

old

came up beside

men

one of

me with

When we returned
was standing

under

his

something

to

and I.

My mother

told

arm,

Lolo,

to

in the

and a long

who nodded

me to

wait

and

where

glance.

a little

looked

young?"

down at

from.
then

"The

do you

face

and I watched

the

bird
42

back

and pull ~- its

struggled,

boy

think,

to

one knee,
the

me.

What

turned

again,

a moment,

walk

common where

He said

coming

my mother,

giggling

luggage

hen tucked

he's
and

at

our

a questioning

think

dinner

chicken.

d own,

and

the

a short

a few

a few goats,

shrugged

his

and

We stopped

my mother

you

of

hands.

at

right

sent

Lolo

compounds,

a rust-colored

to

"Don't

Groups

man who had carried

with

knife

their

our

men grazed

village.

we took

the

should
Barry?"

beating

man holding

man set
neck

know

out

the

bird

across
its

wings

hard

against

Then

it

grew

bird's

held
it

to

feet,

its

circle
the

into
its

pumping
get

bird

rubbed

before

dinner.

bulb,

chicken

canopy,

in

the

so

before.

across

at

its

barely

first

thing

o:: life

L-010 and

I faced

re=e=ber

c::f

in

the

is

then

struggled

against

its

side,

a gurgle,

until

under
I'd

go wash

red,

hairy-

a stomache

the

up

a dim yellow

of

only

the

finally

me to

beneath

=Y good

suddenly

I watched

that

that

pulsing

he

of us under

chirp

the

circle.

alone

c~ickets

be::.:.eve

":.C

until

wind.

a long,

hands

a dessert

center

like

his

and told

then

laying

twitch

to

three

and

Later,

last

out,

a thud,

wobbly

the

rice,

the

with

my head,

quietly,

sweet

to

I could

"The

hand

and

across

in

body,

wind~own

grass.

me stop.

the

a wide,

the

We ate

landed

blade

shot

viens

his

the

down grotesquely

blood

stew

from

It

wildly

I listened

remembered

air.

the

up with
the

Blood

up,

away

lolling

his

fruit,
make

motion.

head

smaller,

Lolo

could

the

collapsed,~n

skinned

far

dancing

The man pulled

smooth

bird

high

legs

feather

The man stood

the

tossed

a few
still.

a single

ribbon.

he

its

ground,

completely

neck,

crimson
as

the

ache

a mosquito

net

moonlight,

and

witnessed

a few hours

fortune.

ho.; to

protect

back-yard.

yourself."

A day

earlier,

I had

i'"\.

showed

up

head.

L-010 had

what

at

the

~c~se
locked

-ith

an

up from

had happened.,. ...,.a:n)iI told

who lived

dow-n the

road.

egg-sized

washing

his

him about

\~~

-He)_had run

lill:lp

notorcycle

my tussle
off

on the

with

with

side
and

of

my

asked

me

an older

my friend's

boy

soccer
~ ('..-

ball,

I said.

In

the

niddle

of

our
43

game.

When I chased

~he

bOi",

--

--

--------

-----

---

~
~

he

picked

choked
and

up

with

a rock.

wasn't

,l,t'

fair.

aggrievemen1c)~Lolo

silently

examined

t:~~

the

parted
wound.

My voiced~

He ~heated.
with

is

bleedi

g,"

my hair

"It's

not

fingers
he

~<;~-f"

finallyts~d,

before

returning

to

polishing

~ ~oday,

chrome.

----tMJ-.

~ he,0ame
home from workr be had with
,.--~
gloves' smell~
of new leather,
the larger
pair

red,

the

tied

together

a step

my side,

head,

like

"There.

moving,

the
Keep

into
but

handiwork.

at

the

of

thin

gloves

to

your

stance

always

feel?''

After

a few minutes,

hands
and

stay

that

my face.

up."

He adjusted
to

don't

copying

he stopped

bob.

give

his

his

smaller

shoulder.

My arms dangled
He shook

my elbows,
"You want

his

as

his

then

to

them a target.

movements

and held

boxing

the

stalks.

cover

started

low --

nodded,

over

his

end

of

black,

to examine

bulbs

and raised

crouched

back

pair

and thrown

~~~- .......~ o-L.

-He~ook

at

laces

him two pairs

keep

How does

best

could.

palm up in front

of my

nose.
"Ok,"

shot.

"Not

I tell

What did

_I'd

together

grown

familiar
and

barely

back,

wound up,

and delivered

wobbled.
He nodded

all.

you?

swing."

Ahhh,
Get them

throwing

to
but

himself,
look

his

were

expression

your

hands

are

up ... "

soft

jabs

at

Lolo's

palm.

After

~ ~

years

customs

at

your

a step

said.

my arms,

~ l,u:aA~~.;.,:,,_,

.b,tG

bad

see

I took

hand

Lolo

"Not

I raised

do.

His

bad,"

unchanged.
now.

"Let's

I could

This
my best

he said.

the

1
,

I had grown aeoustomcd

to his cempan~ , j us~ as
~~t,.>C.t.>)&"\L~,-~
with his land .. ~ lear~
language,
the

legends,

the

s~:

p~ays

the

Ramayana,

TI-~~~~ <Lo- Q. ~ ~
1

44

of

the

twilight

call

of the

mumps,

and the

sting

farmers

and
and

hustling

odd
sharp

the

wind,

train,
Lolo,

jobs,
lines

learned

could

dog meat

(crunchy);

tiger

--

one day

meat

to

sky,

the

that

on the

he would

packages

of

But

everything

not

found
of

too

the

chocolate

difficult

to

man who had

~here

his

as~ed

ny mother

~y

made

=~iend

~ad died

nose

told

have
food.

me in

~he night

butter

way

the

before,

our

and Hindu

us a piece
L...ruA._

.--~,

r.a. ysu,-;:
Wf11',
~

record

more

of

each

civilizing

enough

follow.

my letters;

some

things

I didn't

tell

them

about

the

door

day,

with

a gaping

sound

he made as he

beentwthe
Nor did
middle

bring

sure

of Islam

of whatever

faithfully

would

was

into

explain.

come to

should
for

its

powers

that

with

roasted

brand

confident

and peanut

and

. ~ ~

I would

adventures,

raw

animist

With

table,

(tougher),

a man took

a long

land.

dinner

ancient

...

formed
to

Lolo's

with

away with

peppers

the

meat

he promised,

it

chili

from

share.

cul 1nary,

:shese

for

of more

-:w~~~~ ~~~r~I~,..._...,,~
~ In letters
to my grandparents,

of

had

many Indonesians,

remnants

soon,

children

night,

kites
far

of

my best

and

swift
soar

green

snake

become

kite

waiting

away

(tough),

and he explained

he ate

other

and

like

battling
his

measles,

The children

morning

small

rice),

make room for

faiths,

eat

switch.

streets

watched

the

pox,

had

the

somewhere

chicken

bureaucrats

crickets,

towards

of

to

ran

loser

how to

(plenty

grasshopper

the

that

heads

introduced

we

--

bamboo

low-level

catching

knowing

dinner

and

together

there

I had survived

of my teachers

servants

friends,

razor

mosque.

one

whistling
I mention

of

of an evil
45

recess
spirit

the
that

time

that

his

baby

brought

I
face
hole

a one of
brothers

in by the

wind

--

the

terror

a moment that
out

danced

grew

to

strange

breathless
the

that

year

the

wandered
every

rains

lasted

of

for

over

the

and

look

stoop

their

my friend

of

as they
dipping

fingers;

following

year,

the

and

farmers

fields,

their

let

into

shoulders

cracked

river

off

faces

in their

between

swelling

of moments,

broke

on the

barren,

earth

briefest
finally

my arm

same men the

a month,

the

until

empty

came,

crumble

these

for

up time,

was the

never

to

eyes

punched

through

often

desparation

and

There

barefoot
so

swallow

laugh

run.

in his

and

when the
fields

the

rains

until

the
~ ~

go. .&..Al,

streets

gushed
q...

with

water

rescue

their

scramblHtEj

to

their

washed

huts

The world
cruel.

things
listening

or

intently,

appreciated
defined

seen

her
all

that

new to her

as

it

and their

as

hens

even

as chunks

that
So it

He didn't

no

would

point

and
her

attention;

best

her

was secure.

she

would

to

her

was to me, and I left

~c;~

her

touch

she

could.

of

her

knowledgeQ)of

such

and

friends

was to Lalo
much,
he

that
but

introduced

had

given

I turned,

for

guidance

he was easy

to

be with.

me as
46

his

her

son,

~verything

hand,
or

was as
with
~

~cause

but

floods

conversations

only

the

my forehead,

what

much to be desired@

r~them.

tell

stroke

the

But even

eft

I would

explain

voice,

know nothing

disturbing

in

came home from work,

trying

my questions

talk

of

and often

1..,1,Pc~... ....,,

feeling

('!:,

my waist,~

unpredictable

~y grandparents

was

heard,

or cock-fightsef

exorcisms

that

there

~ecided;

had

high

I was learning,

was a world

when my mother

as

away.

~~

Sometimes,

washed

goats

was violent,

But it
I

and

the

-t.o worry.
and instruction.
With

he

his

never

family
pressed

-s:~~,,.,,w
things

beyond

relationship
seemed
in

I felt,

matted

of

give
out

or

crowded

over
their

clear
learning

the
to

men,

women,

her

raise

eyebrows

but

example

with

empty

my pocket.

last

to

save

the

clothing

feet,

victims
or

rolling

legs

twisted

our

door

my mother
or stretched

when

it

became

more selectively,

Lolo
whenever

thought
he

her

moral

caught

in my possession,

me

he would

me aside.
he would

there

the

ask.

rupiah."
on the

number

street?"

that

had

come by the

house

week.

"You see?"
to

inagine

managing

hands

she gave

few coins

open

tattered

Later,

and

"Thirty
are

at

of misery.

do you have?"

"How many beggars

I tried

the

or

I watched

streets.

silly,

and take

"How much money

the

levels

world

their

first,

was endless,

of the

to be everywhere,

without

carts,

who stopped

our

tire

of

on their

At

that

mysteries.

in

others

walking

on the

the

endearing

following

I'd

children,

in jerrybuilt

of pain

calibrate

ways
constant

arms,

anyone

a flat

They seemed

contortionists.

tide

calculations

his

beggars.

money to

change

fate's

leprosy,

knowledge

things,

explain

arm as we passed

that

And his

elusive

sidewalks

pretended

how to

I- with.

or

like

her

was.

some without

polio

them

to

--

dirt,

scurvy

behind

ways

ills

with

down the

more

~ deal
how be

a gallery

it

Not just

He knew

chess.

Like

adv~

was more than

inexhaustible.

emotions

of

matter-of-fact

~/

your

he said,
noney

and

once
make

it

was clear

sure

yourself."
47

you

don't

I'd

lost
end

count.

"Better

up on the

street

in

He was
villagers

the

same way about

newly

arrived

much better

off

back

country

If

in the
they

had

start,

their
or

ambition,

a year,

we would

dress

up as

But

be baffled
his

sending
enough

tolerate

forgetful

when

either

for

money back

to

start
to

their

employ

their

help
personal

fire

them

or otherwise
my mother

cost

or

families
their

people

on get

get

him money;
to

their

man who liked

enough

compunction

I tried

not

idiosyncrasies;

couldn't

without

young

own business.

young

Lolo

mostly

them

a good-natured
--

were

working

to

was willing

he would

or

They

often

a woman on weekends

cooking.
clumsy

own,

Lolo

over

were

city,

saving

generally

his

if

of
they

and he would

protect

them

from

judgement.
"Your

tried

mother

to take

"That's
and

in the

and would

for
to

than

servants.

the

a good

a man needs
It

had

dislike.

"Pay

a soft

thing
to

in
have

more

to

do with

to

p.iJ.-

for
steady

a rest.

My arms

throb.

We filled

But

tell

off

you will

me,

of his

after

dresser.

be a man someday,

sense."
good

the

Keep your

We had Jaeen sparrHtg

would

a radio

or bad,

of taking

knock

attention.

Lolo

a woman.

was a matter
a hard

heart,"

for y/knocking

blame

nothing

It
I felt

has

for

jaw.,

burned,
a jug

a...,..A..

hands

~
aB

life

and
full

on its
~ "f

up."

~-

hour,

he explained,
own terms
o.1-

c~

of water

it

~
flashed
with

from

or

..

0R.,,',. ~ ~

elflG Lol~ecided

my head

like

the

tap

was time
a dull,
and

sat

down near

the

"Tired?"
I slumped

alligato:
he asked
forward,

pond.
me.
barely

nodding.
48

He smiled,

and

rolled

up

one

of his

indented

pants
scars

"What

crawl

there,

fat
you

still

about

have

of

suddenly
you

He glanced

of

salt

the
been

the
about
to

never
seen

hard

sprang
ever

a series

up his

hiking

of

shins.

socks,

a hot

They

through
they're

on them,

oval

and

the
stuck

they

die,

knife."

grooves.

singed.

It

"Didn't

jug.

"Of course

it

hurt.

Sometimes

you

was

smooth

that

hUrt?W--

him out

heard

surfaces,

But

worry

only

of the

him

talk

angry

or

definite

corner

of my eye.

about

what

sad.

He seemed

thoughts.

he

was
to

A queer

my head.

a man killed?"

surprised

I asked

hurt.

go."

him really

into

seen

down,

you?"

"Was it

from

had

world

thought

your

with

and I watched

never

you' re

off

out

had

you have

I had

inhabit

take

one

worry

silent,

"Yes,"

half-way

while

them

skin

sip

where

that

"Have

dig
over

can't

getting

"Have

ankles,

You sprinkle

the

you

realized

I noticed

li..u.._;..,.......i_

j_.

took

feeling.

you

to

where

We fell
I

when

blood.

him:--t

sometimes

calf.

"From when I was in New Guinea.

boots

my finger

Lolo

his

his

army

night,

and hairless

from

he said.

your

with

I ran

I asked

ran

marks,"

At

scratch

those?"

inside

swamps.

to

that

are

"Leech

but

legs

by the

I asked

him.

question.

again.

he said.
bloody?"

"Yes."
I thought

for

a moment.

"Why was the

49

man killed?

The one you

saw?"
"Because

he was weak."

"That's
Lalo

all?"
shrugged,

and

rolled

his

pant

usually

enough.

Men take

advantage

They're

just

countries

in that

like

weak man's
weak

land.

man's

paused,
be?"

He makes

woman

and

is

took

the

sip

of

soft

brown

answer

other

men.

man takes
fields.

the

If

take

"Which

view.

rising

to

feet.

"If

and make peace

with

finally,

strong

eyes

Lalo

from

his

yourself.

desk

grading

herself.

watched
papers.

aloud,

the

her."

would

you

He
rather

to herself.

He wouldn't

knew that
her

us from

she
papers

She tried

of twenty-four

be strong,

strong.

But always

they

talking

about,

Swallowing

nails.

Cheerful

herself.

That

for

a child

for

his

house,

wasn't
Lola's

own son

that,

for

and watched

to picturei
with

the

sky,

be strong,"

the

treated

was lucky
aside

you can't

was grateful

have

to

inside

caught

She really

up at

his

he said
be clever,

better

to be

.~

Guts.
then

squinted

"Better

who's

What were

Blood.

laughed

someone
Always."

My mother

fast.

in his

man will

water.

immediately.

hidden

set

in

The strong

strong

"That's

down.

weakness

way.

the

back

he asked.
I didn't

me.

of

weak man work

pretty,

another

leg

Lola's

in tow,

very

50

her

she wondered

to

things.

She

fair,

she

thought
towards

differently.

basic

day of our

married

up at

solicitude

me do push-ups.

us on the

propped

She

kindness.
He's

She

growing

arrival,

to a man whose

so

a mother
history,

whose

country,

known

so

she

little

American

Before

tribes

it

Hawaii,

the

seeking

three

for

grown

coup,

with

cold

to

go to

the

out

this

new life

to

an

worse,

she

baths

and

could

the

Japanese

during

the

war,

and metal

and timber;

the

war

as

the

and

the

country's

but

all

supported
said,

with

about

first

hundreds
the

the

Dutch

of

president.

reports

the

of

emergence
first

said

change;

a demagogue,

utterly

it

Sukarno

totalitarian,

the

and

than

even

she

had

of

what

had

drawn

to

squat

over

a hole
out

mosquitos.
she

was

was
had
too

tougher

to

and challenging
51

to

Lolo

be.
after

helping
place

this

and

every

ground

few weeks,
more

than

she

Barack
her husband
her

than

looked,

And anyway,

beyond

much

fevers,

in the

Nothing

known herself
her

--

dysentary

going

new and important,

a charged

the

Ref

electricity

endless

foreign

'"'

was prepared

really,

of something

world,

she

colonialism,

of oil

and having

the

inconveniences,

all

hers.

of

replaced,

they

learn

of

the

underdeveloped,

bathroom,

in

next

communists.

so she

water

right

in

the

people

the

count~y,

the

heat

the

in power,

had known.

a country,
)

been

to

then

stores

Sukarno

she

promise

years,

named

A poor

part

history

vast

had recently

tougher

had tried

after

comfortable

the

the

over

corrupt

She had

turned

be difficult,

independence

a bloodless

have

fifth

hundred

freedom-fighter
Sukarno

unimaginable.

carried

could

population,

control

fight

seemed

innocence

to

she

and dialects;
over

It

Much worse.

expected

leaving

Indonesia:

was

her
Things

herself.

She had

knew.

then,

passport.

reminded

for

barely

left,

that
the

rebuild
parent's

c,~'
.,-.- i,$1"""

c-""' r, {}..A,. 0-

r-

.r_

u--~~~
reach.

A place

in

which

to

find

her

gifts,

and

fi

lly

test

her

limits.
But she wasn't
definite

that

gone

out

prepared

she

of

his

for

point

way to

make

creature

comforts

her

tact

generousity,

with

and

own. lYstill,
year

something

that

them.

they
In

he

night,

at

treated

happened

the

brother

leave

to

revolutionary

the

gold

jewelry

to

into

farmers

be

changing

would

return

and teach

He didn't

tal.k

to,

and

eve:1

It

was

reach,

as

if

taking

her

he

he

army;
the

Dutch

at

J~tc::

a ti::.e
jri.ver.

or.:y

::::f the

here

::::::::~::..ar:::ing

a trip

hai

into

~i-:r:

hi~

the

out

out,

he had

it

of necessity
now,

about
eldest

that
their

both
house

food.

Things

told

her;

of that
seemed

her

he

change.
as though

or when spoken

the

to

visit

some

some

dark

hidden

part

of

brightest

his

selling

get

be a part

and

her

set

to

the

with

news

just

in

and

mother

their

between

father

army

his

":-~e u.r.iversity,

pu:led

Lolo

tell

the

with

of

eager

would
his

countryside,

a-: a::,

c:::::-

t::e::

a lea:.:

repairing

at

one

and

life,

ti::a-: -.-ay a:1::i,--=.cre. In fact,

tc

spcke

the

as

her

watching

lost.,

the

of

alone,

war,

a piece

with

would

he barely

were

and everything
flight

had treated

so

full

a boy during

aflame,

family

so

up as

killed

her

son

l4e..

warml~cffid

difference

growing

the

her

some unbreachable

At

had been

they

her

was nothing

providing

His

between

plans.

join

home,

and

been

when

feel

afford.

apart,

had

had welcomed

he could

had

had been

Hawaii

to">
her

~here

loneliness.

~
Lolo

could

whatever

the

task

at

distant
place,

himself.

hand,
cousin.
out

of

On some

.;:>-,

nights,

she

would

hin

still

wandering

through

up after

everyone

else

had

gone

whisky

and

to bed,

~Q..~,f-

,<-

the

house

drinking
52

imported

nursing

~~

his

secrets~ck~

fell

off

gently

to

under

his

pillow

When she

asked

him

what

was

her ~e was just

tired,

he would

say.

sleep.

rebuff

mistrust

a pistol

words

Words,

somehow.

and

the

before

he

finally

wrong,

he

would

He had

come to

that

words

sentiments

carried.
She

suspected

disatisfaction

that

at

geologist,
didn't

pay

months

salary,

and

the

added

for,

all

hadn't
herself.

English

to

package

to

the

the

this

--

carry

for

her

with

the

army

and

he

took

child

was

as

work.

alone

a wife

his

It

up two

to

provide

depressed.

of herself,

She
she

told

own weight.
~~

w.i.th ~:;,,,,.:.,~_e_,Am=~e=r,...,.1-::c:-::a:-::n:--E:;::::=mb~a-:s::-:s:::~
teaching

a job

a1,

countries.

part

of

The job

businessmen

English

do

mind-numbing

refrigerator

businessmen,

the

to

way to make a burden

Indonesian

of

tunnels,

no wonder

developing

niceties

and

expenses

herself

91"he

working

either;

Indonesian

lonelinest)

was

with

could

found

She

He

now suddenly

all

She

something

roads

much,

travelled

had

work.

surveying
very

it

the

didn't

weren't

language,

and

US foreign

aid

do much

her

for

much interested

several

tried

to

in
hit

on

,,.-

herV

the

Americans

were

department,

the

mysteriously

disappear

function

in

them,

the

occasional

the

one,

and

seriously,

of

Indonesians,
then
the

they
heat's

months

never
the

at

quite

ugly

until
would

older

men,

economist

for

Embassy

charicatures

about

mostly

gotten

or
a time,

the

State

who

would

affiliation

Embarrassing,
prone

out

that

to

play

it

to

him,

how's

53

their

clear.

found

in

journalist

American,

they
try

careerists

off,

to
she

some

making

son

take
by

of

jokes

was married

don't
your

or

Jim
the

to
too
way,

fine,

fine

boy.

They

knew

the

conversation
learn

in

had

obsessed
his

they

would

news

reports

frayed

badly

the

Sukarno

with

the

nationalist

Nkrumah,

although

after

the

communist
couple
with

the

thousand

Agency

Innuendo,
she

had

brutal

and

idea

frightened

so

the

up the

lost

the

the
rivers

same

nothing
a nation
friends
stories

had

could

happened,

busy
widened,

about

couldn't

explained

that
already

Indo-china,

what
--

given

as bad as

a part
the

country-side
was

with

Indonesia's

CIA played

toll

than

in the

fact

for

that

supposed

anybody's

guess:

Even the

that's

how she

a year

after

suppression

notion

that

way that
that

history
the

once

continue

rich

in

smart

a
guys

giant

would

corruption

loamy

their
of the

As her

circle

ran

that
more

times.

through

be willing

out

The

be swallowed

posters

that
54

modern

and

coursed

found

one of the

could

~about

itself.

a few of them
the

the

casual

government

half-a-million.

of

beneath

developing

she

More certain,

death

less

of blood

way ~people

us

worse,

the

asides;

campaigns
her,

or

the

count.

in Jakarta

swift

was

had swept

half-whispered

completely,

soak

had

arrived

through

sure.

maybe,

lunch

of non-alignment

this

The

anyway,

They

of a

Word was that

sympathizers.

it

that

books.

of communism

military

things

nerves

knew for

of

Over

her

and politics

nobody

hundred

with

only

parts

buried.

on the

~nd~ane.,

coup the

or

or history

march

importance.

coup,

were
share

rhetoric

you

strategic

though,

skeletons

~it.he

pl~~

country,

earth
the

could

gutters;

business

as if

new president,
of

to

up

tell

rampant

Indonesian
her

other

in

every

government
entire

agency,
industries

private,

out

and ask

of

him:

became

the

in

party?

His
to

circumstances
from

students
their

passports

him,

stepping

idea

consripted,

still

You shouldn't
geRtl~.

Such
My mother

times

the

and

Lolo,

in

officials,

been

plane,

no

him.

summoned

family

6-

are

had left

hard

best
the

did

don't
-:::,

,rThe

on coming

of

the

without

back

purge,

all

explanation,
been

there

welcome

to

like

for
him,

The Army officials

he had just

of New Guinea
lucky

for

ones.

much worse.

been

a year.
Students

Many of them

'(O.,.;~,od

be too

:;pYou
what?

him that

jungles

for

finally

must have

next.

They told

countries

she

war.

midst

And he was one of the

Bloc

about

who had helped

planned

the

happen

to the

that

the

what that

might

worrying

1funderstand

In

Imagine

you

he

you buy a new dress

He hadn't

had

more steadfast

a pediatrician

know.

questioned

jail.

to

government

during

return.

what

Eastern

in

go

maddening

~"""'I~~-;-:,

the
of

so

siblings

you

End of conversation.

are

or

Why don't

sisters,

and was going

in

military,
family

would

Why are

became

abroad

off

him away,

studying

her.

revoked.

any

children

had,l_~.

early,

studying

without

tell

sister

so

the

President's
she

silence.

of Lolo's

Hawaii

the

and

The more she asked,

younger

the

police

true?

one of Lolo's

understand,

for

of

attitude

her

by

new story,

good-natured

he would

after

each

say.

talk?

look

out

earshot

never

his

complained

took

the

Was it

He would

shake-downs

carved

And with

entourage.

such

the

on Lolo,

the

sister

Eola

my mothe~

forgotten.
sister's
55

house

in a daze.

Outside,

the

sun

was

home,

high,

she

herself

the

began

sprawling

woman,

in bare

of

to

full

feet

with

and

tall

of

Rovers.

a taxi
She

diplomats

wroughtc)iron

a group

taking

direction.

the

shawl,

where

Land

instead

where

and a tattered

driveway,

Benz

but
without

neighborhood,

"<;.

Mercedes

dust,

aimlessly,

houses

and up the

of

walk,

in a wealthy

lived,

gate

air

found

and generals
She

gates.

saw

wandering

through

an open

of men were

washing

a fleet

one

of

men shouted

the

at

to

leave,

but

the

r'
~ ~ ~ ~

~stretched,

her

purgatory.

Another

handful

of

with

terrible

them

into

coins

speed,
her

Power.
America,
surfacing

'

Indian

had

Lola,
feel

dug

road.

checking

fixed

that

or

every-..-here

in

the

in

his

was,

-her ..l_arm

road

vision

pocket

The woman ran

out

and
after

suspiciously

ny nother's

of

threw
the

as she

she

,rnuld

mind

~1;..,.

from

dug beneath

the
sonetimes

the

hi=

weight,

how things

~ere,

rules,

so

si=:ple

same

game

a:-..a:;s

cack
let

just
hi=

snarls

find

coins

gathered

and

over

on outings

with

her

their

i:i. the

nernory.

change
learned

again,

only
56

he had
wasn't

you could

them,

bereft
faces

blue-haired

old

church.

Here

reaching
Power

it,

the

pa?:',
the

fresh

life

mest

indicriminate,

his

the

In

like

ra-..,

know that

a curse.

of things,

sweet,

of

when he thought

you

fer

naked,

you couldn't
once

like

surface

a 1::..a:::~: =a::: o::: ::::e way to

on disp::..a::,

over

in

hidden

Texas,

ccr:-=.ine:-:.::s,

its

shadow,

the

...

pulled

in

into

when yotz

arro1'i'heads

across

shrouded
finally

renained

women ,,,hen passej

,K'was

she

boson.

only

grandfather

where

man

The word
it

stood

.P"

face/

out

woman

the
~

G1..

woman

had

escaped;
his
just

it
out

taken

made him

own.
live

That's
by its

of

surprise,

the

would

change.

Lalo

had

made

his

peace

just:has

his

brother-in-law

official

in

tried

to

do,

stealing
for

when her

everything,

Without

what

afford,

head.

feel

now

a visit,
Lolo

had

one could

to
them

her

once,

Guilt

is

Like
it

eating

path

had

reduced

told

know what
belly

a high

selling

said.

had

the

concentration,

was

he

and treacherous

as
brother

a nerve.

her

forgetting;

another

touched

She didn't

to wake up and

absolute

as

he came for

of

millions

and

finally

can

your

know how crowded

be.

just

miscalculated

questioning

wisdom

making

company;

She remembered

into

the

done,

whenever

foreigners

pops

didn't

had

cigarettes.

only

whatever

he

learned

had
oil

silverware

constant

luxury

power,

national
only

the

later

lose

the

with

to

saying

was like
itself.

to
She

security

easily

could

sliP@

tumble

backwards.
He had

been

right,

foreigner,

middle-class,

she wanted

protection

too

messy.

Lo lo;
and

That

1t was
saw that

been.
feet,

The

)
)'/

course.

white,

Lolo

or not.

sight
with

I had

made

her

negated
gap.

was taking

her

the

shudder
sense

anything

she

looked

grass

She

heredity

leave

out

if

the

and

things
say

window
where

she

was

whether

might

flattened

slightly,
of

know.

always

She

left,

a sudden

didn't
by that

.She could

possibility

and

She

protected

,11,.L.,.a-Fr unbreachable

filled
Power

of

rose

got
to
now,

we had
to

her

fear.

son.

x=-~b~

f;NH:o)fn'He~eo~f:--:it.t::Jb.A,-},.isa-llura:t.:s~.ee~x~p~l.1,.;a~
..:
n~eod-lt:..io1-ll11U~Q~,--,ai:t'nftd:d1p)'Ee~rr-:hh-1aa1*~
Lo 1 o hims e 1 f

~t

didn't

understand

things

he

was

the
working

changes
so hard

my mother
to
57

provide

was going
for

her

through,
seemed

why the
only

to

increase

the

distance

concentration,
proceeded

and
to

over

climb.

in

company.

We moved
the

crocodiles

dinner

usually

slap

Lolo's

obtain

the

complained
would
that

where

to

ask

her

these

new

refusal

her

would

to

the

look

own people,

and her

replaced

our

dinners

his

they

on the

surface

their

greased

their

go alone,
would

company

had

Indonesian

voice

at

and Louisiana

while

of

the

in

attend

rights,

him to

oil
a car

arguing

palms

quality

for

he landed

from Texas
the

drilling

about

for
them

businessmen

he

an American

hi-f

sign

about

Indonesia,

neighborhood;

and

my mother's

and boast

of

a better

overhear

my mother

were

office

could

in

brother-in-law,

I would

offshore

how it

in

he

American

back

of his

television

ape;

about

I lived

relations

the

that

help

a house

Sometimes

parties,

would
to

Tata

club.

bedroom,

to

them.

period

government

motorcycle;

and

company

the

With the

a new job

replaced

the

between

wives

help.

He

reminding
rise

to

her
almost

a shout.
They

are

Still,
mother

and

sister,

Maya,

]..a.st

tme

Angeles

not

my people.

such

arguments

Lolo

would

their
saw

were
remain

cordial

estrangment
him,

when

rare;

through

mother

the

helped

him

least,

birth

di vorceE)

and eventual
my

at

travel

attitude

~Y rapid

acculturation

self-sufficient,

towards

my upbringing.
in

undemanding

Indonesia
on a tight
58

She had always

--

it

had

budget,

my
th~

to

a liver
ailment
that would kill
him at the
J.i.tJ.What I.1_notic'71
was mainl~
the gradual
shift

mother's

of

\iP until

t.o treat

fifty-...on~

my

Lds

age
in

oYmy

encouraged

made me relatively
and extremely

well-

mannered

when

across
of

from

compared

time

ignorance

abroad.

to

and

But

she

had

those

of an Indonesian,
child

too

J.vi~
1:-ea.rReel,

the

life
and

children

me to

often

j ast

she

disdain

the

charactized

as

chances
she

to be on.

American

taught

that

also

separated

other

She had

arrogrance

that

her

the

time.

chasm

wanted

to

of

LO'l-o bad

side

I was an American,

blend

Americans
lea.rued(

an American

knew which

ran

the

child

of the

from

divide

she

life

lay

and my true

elsewhere.
Her
afford

initial

efforts

sending

Jakarta's

me

foreign

tk- ~

to

the

went,

to supplement

a US correspondence
days

a week,

After

force

surrounded
three

would

feeding

hours

before

offered

stiff

strategy

I concocted,
true

patiently
"This

is

Then,

there

of my grandmother

after

dark

assen.bled

find

in our

at

four

we would

sit

her
for
the

this

grim

and

kept

closing

most

powerful

me either,
periodic

every

to
but

five

r1.ve

morning.

for

work.
to
hurts")

every
or

minutes),

she

my safety,

the

defense.
buster."

I remember

with

coming

search

party

of neighbors

My mother

didn't

look

59

from

together,

("My stomach

concerns

ascendant.

moment

lessons

went

regiment,

unconvincing

the

down

she

to

of

lessons

in

school

for

most

now redouble~

efforts

my room

to

the

with

left

a large
yard.

schooling

my English

no picnic
was

decided,.,.from

and go over

(my eyes

voice

to

into

Unable
where

silence,

whether

repeat

had

Now her

came

resistence

indisputably

she

me breakfast,

by absolute

education.
School

my Indonesian

course.

she

around

International

children

o!J-,,_~/

..we-arrivfed;

would

centered

happy,

home one day

that
but

had been
she was so

relieved

to see

sock,

brown

me that

with

"What's

it

mud,

took

her

several

wrapped

around

Why do you have

a sock

minutes

to notice

a wet

my forearm.

that?"

"What?"
"That.
"I

cut

what

not

that
Let

me see

it."

I showed

her

a long

gash

the

vein

flesh

by an

out

ran

from wrist

but

ran

deeper

at

was now pulsing

out

from under

the

trying

to

his

a thunderstorm
was

that

inch,

happened,

hitchhiked

there

arm?"

bad."

"Barry.

had

was

your

see."

"It's

pinkish

around

myself."

"Let's

missed

wrapped

this

to

calm

family's
that

her

farm,

day,

down.

barbed-wire

that

the

the

it

muscle,

skin.

had

where

I explained
and

miles

away.

to

mudslide,

place

marked

elbow;

A friend

a hundred

a terrific

to

farm's

I had
There
and

boundaries,

and ...
"Lolo!"
~ My mother

laughs

now when she tell,this

story,

the

laughter

of

\.

a mother

forgiving

tone

alters

that

Lolo

hospital,
a car
out

at

child

slightly
suggested
and that

to

her

get

out

the

hospital,

My mother's

frantic

with
that
she

of bed

those
the

footsteps

have

passed.

of

the

story.

She

until

to

and drive

and there

that

rest

we wait
had had

sins

morning

browbeat

our

us.

of the

Most

had been
echoed
60

to

take

only

the

remembers
me to

neighbor
lights

no receptionist

through

But her

with

had
in

cavernous

the

been

sight.
halls

for

twenty

shorts,

minutes

playing

where

the

doctors,

before

she

finally

found

dominoes

in

a small

room.

were,

the

doctors

11

trousers

and went
and

their

me twenty

scar.

And through

might
her

slip

be too

counted,

she

busy

would

who believed
In the

school

all

end,

to

plenty

in

fighting

it

was those
or medical

leave

her

to

an ugly

of

but

life

else

around

That

not

when

anyone

it

beside

fate.

issues,

services,

child's

notice.

a threatening

sorts

the

on their

everyone

sympathy,

against

slipping

that

that

survive
of

"We are

would

relt,

looking,

trying

have

transcripts

that

asked

l,.,,)-

theFe1.5he

away when she wasn't

would

her

it

replied

game before

stitches

men in boxer

When my mother

men cheerfully

on to finish

giving

two young

less

tangible

that

became

the

into

a human

than

focus

of

~~~

her

instructioB.

would

say

to

Honesty
storage

"If

me one day,
--

room

everyone

else,

Fairness

--

should

not

the

back

when

the

no pride

in the

parents
to your
higher

you didn't

should

have

bottom

of

other

just
your

children

you have
It

to
was

said

do it
as

so,

closet.
tease

if,

going
have

tax

of

wealthier

the

tax

officials

of

boy

refrigerator

it

judgment
about

his

birthday,

wadded
just

haircut

give

can take

Straight

your

if

things.
not

and they

received.

you for

even

such

should

Ramaddan,

keeping

she

in the

came,

students

I bought

being,"

some values."

expected

may have

instead

poor

hidden

during

Independent
the

need

official,

they

shirt

to

the

teachers

the

grow

the

marks

like

to

"you're

including

sets

want

Lolo

in

television

if

you

up at
because

doesn't

talk
you
the
the
mean

too.
by travelling

half-way
61

across

the

globe,

away

from the
mother

could

offer
she

smugness
give

voice

had

few

known that
merely

the

security;

bred
virtues

nod

the

as religious,

sacrilegious:

a faith

that
that

In a land

tool

for

hardship,

enduring
from

secular
paper

day

to

humanism,

day

up poor

frequency,

in

been

hard,

as hard

cut

corners,

a soldier

too,

a poor

country,

as anything

price

promiseC:a

example.)!t

that

she

scramble
me, and

needlepoint
would

experience

her

could

remained

ultimate

refuse

told

people

was

shape

a necessary

truths

were

kept

was a lonely

witness

for

New Deal,

Peace

to

the

authority

begin

to remind

in

a poor

that

angles.

himself.

Corp,

position

~o

was

in the

higher

Lolo

of my father.
me with

continent.
might

His

know.

He was diligent
He had

~demanded
different,

1;.aa,..
~

distant

she would

principle~~rinciples

had

~~rr~

fatalism

she

have

around

in the

thoughtful

for

one allyJ:t_he

or played

what

her

where

must
Lolo

all

faith

faith

where

such

constant

remained

in fact

she

for

~~~

She had only

matter

the

-r ~

realities,

liberalism.

had grown

It

rational,

own destiny.

me aside
but

and

was that

impractical.

My mother's

their

separate

rather

on a ar~et'faitW:-a

to describe

took

my assent,

it.

skepticism.

depended

she

my

past,

The problem

corruption,

created

midwestern

form.

seemed

poverty,

had disclosed,

of her

whenever

ideas

he hadn't

a relentless

virtues

dutifully

many of her

explained

familiarity

and purified

reinforcements;
I would

that

to the

them up in distilled

commentary,

for

and hypocrisy

led

his

a different
form of power.

genes.
62

life
kind

He

increasing
life

had

But he hadn't
and honest,

no

according

to

of toughness()

I would

follow

his~'~

~
"You
these

have

little

brains,

wispy

your
Her

would
of

thank

for

your

message

eyebrows

that

don't

came

home books

King

and

schoolchildren

down from wealthier

scientists

and

tell

about

scout

troop

might

mention

older

than

Marshall

South,

a march

who w re

Court

father

much.

just

has

But your

Burdens

o
of

every
was to

handed

chastened
If

by

black

my

I came home to

my Indonesian

a march

boy

palace,
of

she

children

no

man was Thurgood

woman Fannie

be the

of

on to become

arch,

glorious

me stories

went

presidential

black

recordings

books

the

Every

She

read

felt

de onstrations

destiny,

Lou Hamer or

beneficiary

burdens

of

that

a great

only

we were

bear.

we were

would

to

mornings.

freedom.

To be black

to

ces,

the

told

forced

in

kind

Poitier;

movement,

ut who still

in front

for

a special

point

to

out

carry
that

with

"Harry

style.

More

Belafonte

is

than

the

once,

my

best-looking

planet."

was in this

Magazine,

to

When she

goose-stepping

Sidney

enough

ights

schools,

Supreme

the

me,

man on the

mount

~-

Jf>~~-V

~~

rows .. your

generally.

Jackson.

a different

inheritance,

It

civil

white

Carroll.

mother

on the

had performed

or

strong

embrace

to wake up and work

her

Diane

to

Mahalia

in the

reluctance

eye

~~ to"~

}.-'O

character,

bring

Dr.

me to

"j~~~~vr~

of the

imagine

other

noments

of

context

black

black

revelation.

that

I came across

man who had tried

children,

then

Perhaps

it
63

and
comes

to

the
peel

now,

picture
off

his

undergoing

sooner

for

most

in Life
skin.

similar
--

the

parent's

warning

neighborhood,
matter

or the

how long

grandfather's
while

the

to

child

the

ones,

of not

at

build

having

hair

hands

of

an

to be asleep.
news
up --

been

of

of some uncle's

the

bad

having

in

particular

like

Barbie

small

no

or brother's

employer

or

Maybe it's
doses,

although

given

a cop,

easier

for

allowing

I suspect

a stretch

or

of

for

I was one
childhood

of

free

self-doubt.
seeing

My mother

ignorant,

uneducated

consider

potential

else:

could

home that

mirror,

with

I had

always

all

in the

The initial
year
that

flush
in

after

midst

not

were

I could

me understand
to maim,

enemy out

I stood

in

in

had told
there,

one

even

my own.

front

of the

seemingly

intact,

something

was wrong
--

the

or cruelty

not

not

of fortunes

one photograph

frightening

looking

that

with

the

as
me.

adults

of madness.

of anxiety

Indonesia
was

less

If

common greed

dinner,

if

they

avoid.

knowledge,

limbs

me, an ambush

bigots

was some hidden

anyone's

for

helped

But that

and

no

had

identify

and wondered

seemed

about

of accidents

there

night,

looked,

me lived

Lolo

in myself.

my senses

alternative

me

cripple,

me without

was violent

whom one should

correctly

that

reach

When I got

confidence

to

sometimes

me something

remaining

warned

people

I could

and

around

article

my own mortality,

decline.

that

that
had

of disease

others,

The

boundaries

or a tale

the
to

attack.

to

frustration

receive

luckier

the

you' re suppose

I know that

yet

cross

you comb,

of defenses

from

to

humiliation

overheard

system

not

would

much as
always
64

pass,

I had

justified,

and I would
before.
and

spend

I retained
a

talent

my
a
for

----

mischief.
imported
I began
black

But
television
to

notice

that

Christmas
a white

catalogue

trusted
of the

been

that

Cosby

had started
never

Impossible
was
that

permanently

got

spent

nobody

altered.

running
the

all

like

girl
his

me

my grandmother

evenings,

on I Spy:

in

sent

On the

in the

time

us,

the

-~-------

that

the

underground.
Sears

Roebuck

and that

Santa

was

man.

I kept

that

there

had

shows that

man on Mission

noticed

mother

my vision

these

didn't

see

I shouldn't

them,
expose

my mother's
world,

observations

to

or that
her

love,

and my father's

but

myself,

she

was trying

efforts
faced
place

65

deciding

as

having

the

prospect

in

it,

to

that

either

protect
failed.
that

was somehow

me,

my
and

I still
her

account

incomplete.

Chapter

It

took

when the

me a while

sliding

smiling

faces

I spotted
owlish

door
that

tilted

over

before

frosted

looked

to

a lively

shoes

clambering

bunch
padding

over

seats,

the

stood

father

as she

and Lolo

aside

during

and

down

side.
with

of
Then

a short,
to wave

back,

their

faces

where

a Chinese

customs

officials.

the

other

in

-had.I

with

somehow,

but

now its

children
pillows

that

riffled

calm.

the

I had

sloe-eyed,

The

the

wooden

Indonesian

who had led

gate.

Now

themselves

down at

of my mother's
the

will

from

off

night.

a menacing

was a gift

by at

the

hands

and I looked

It

taking

hording

to
the

family
They

the

into

trying

luggage

and Maya stood

father

aisles,

deep

following

a friend

the

and grandmother

in my hand.

trip,

the

still,

passports

the

blur

began

over,

to each

silently

flight,

line,

with

mother

me of Lolo

on the

was the

rear,

The pair

flight

absolutely

mask I was carrying

At first,

on either
the

wave

the

and

eyes

reminded

co-pilot

of

up

the

their

could

on the

and chattering

their

rail

him.

some problems

and blankets

invisible,

make out

man towards

front

and

family

guard

crowd.

glass.

the

to be having

been

through

the

beside

behind

in the

I could

visible

but

them

all

woman barely

his

parted,

silver-haired

vanished

had

recognize

a tall,

my direction,

seemed

to

set

mocking

me away
the

mask

expression

~~

seemed

almost

face.

The

drifting

alive)~I
wood

away,

had
back

closed
a nutty,
across

my eyes

cinnamon
oceans
66

and

to

press

smell,
over

and
the

..ik-J!-gainst
I

clouds,

felt

my

myself
into

the

violet

horizon,

to

Someone
it

shouted

my flight,

almost

the

the

I had

in an odd little

still

to my side,
standing

now.

This

time

I waved

back;

the

mask

again

up to

my face,

dance.

some more,

my shoulder

been .

mask dropped

and saw my grandparent's

I brought

and waved

where

my name;

frantically

thinking,

place

and asked

My grandparents
the

customs

me if

I was an American.

there,

waving

and then,

laughed

until

and with

official

without

swaying

my head

and pointed

at

finally

me

tapped

I nodded

on

and handed

him my passport.
"Go ahead,"
one

side.

heard
rang

he

As they

one

of the

in my ears

1---

until
;,.-e

the

car

they

restaurants
festoons,

and

I
told

Toot

automatic

to

live

: had

drove

and

economy

told

them

suggested

Then,
.as

and

me what

that

seen

doors

along

about
had

I would

the

need

conversation

my shoulder

me how to

that

which

used-car
and
for

me to

the
I had

past
lots

everyone

the

stopped.

for

never

fast-food
strung
in

with

Jakarta.

my welcome-back

new clothes

more

than

once
67

since

our

dinner,

school.

I realized

move to

new
air-

that

strangers.
them

and said

operate

highway,

trip

planned

whine

They took

the

the

them,

suck

controls,

and

around

to

closed
behind
JV"
a candyeandechewing-gum

showed
window

step

an arm over

motels

they

suddenly,
with

Gramps

to

a high-pitched

improvement.

and

we

cry,
sliding

threw

family

my suitcase

Gramps

As

Chinese

a hug ~threw

bought,

before.

Gramps

me into

the

the

to
the

mask was a definite

conditioning
seen

start

I heard

my neck.

had

told

me wheel

children

leiSaround

and

watched

me. lToot.J_gatherQ-0.

that

said,

Indonesia.

The

summer

that,

Toot

from

before
had

for

as I adjusted

to

They

Things
my mother

furniture

business
himself

rejection,
him

the
grow

briefcase

and

possible

they

room

appointments

with

and

under

~~~~~l.lf',it...c..~.
1

be would

his

lap,

the

hole.

trying

into

prospective

from

followed

expell

the

his

foot

though,

us

of his
people

b1::eata

nerve,

on the

pitch,
other

not much better,

~fT>
and~umble
through

like

68

sales

up
of
out

and

a card-player

his

every
of

the

schedule

telephone.
overhear

to

I would

gathered

try

the

unable

night,

chase

I would

in an

sensitive

he would

a soda,
edges

he

the

near

left

but

lead

over

had

After

-had

Sunday

to

rhythm

apartment

he was selling,

as

was

house

agent;

chair

and Tuesday

a deep

rambling

the

his

when the

to keep

now,

following

clients
for

good,

right

planned.

Gramps

irritable

finally

had

big,

Every

TV tray,

settle

out

was only

Street.

more

his

creeping

before

my mother

two-bedroom

badly.

until

wasn't

the

a small,

went

kitchen

why Thursday

sold

what

the

call

had

needed

up

that

as they

people

into

that

It

insurance

tip-toed

of silence

sure

a life

more

and

on her

become

work

set

a cast

make

exactly

Beretania

distraction,

living

out

that

to

year

and watched
them in the
.
w,..,~
realized
.:tha't my grandparents

worked

to

the

stay

old.

on

a visit;

pregnancy.

and now rented

building

convince

her

become

I left,

for

despite

just

that

hadn't

university,

watch

Jakarta

during

had

and

back

an indefinite

elevator

to

to

schedules,

changed.

the

come

accident,

cared

their

had

flown

an untimely

properly

of

When I
desperation
the

stretch

end explained
..tt..&.-.~ ~

Afte1::

the
who's

e v e1::y

files
deep

in
in

Eventually,

few

wander

into

Gramps

would

or the

new joke

especially
still
sketch
his

that
ideal

lights
the

he might

night,
the

would

soon

bloom

with

receded
of

his

old

questions
in

the

middle

standing

in

the

hall

with

to

a painting,

the

floor

the

and

sustain

his

presentation,

outside

my

write,

plans

plans

for

and

sky-

grew bolder

in

them

I'd

try

to

think

good

could

mood.

we would
her

he
the

but

his

room,

youth,
had gone

conveniences

possibility,

and

me some scheme

started

might
of

things

he had

enthusiasm,

that

somewhere

discuss

pass,

of his

If

I saw that

from

would

me stories

push-button

landscaping.

they
some

into

pain

Digest.

of poems

complete

and terraced

encouraging

book

the
tell

that

house,

recognize

my room to
in Reader's

--

further

relent,

he had read

well

harbored

would

head

up

Then,
see

Toot

tilted

in

accusation.
"What
"Are

do you want,
you

"Yes,
at

finished

Madelyn.

Madelyn?"
with

I'm

your

calls,

dear?"

with

my calls.

finished

It's

ten

o'clock

night."
"There's

I could

no need

go into

"I'm

not

why ...

11

their

bedroom,

suspended

hollering!
he could

well-worn

H.

finish,
would

dejection

exchanges
a

Jesus

and Gramps

between

Stanley.

I just

wanted

to know if

don't

understand

kitchen."

But before

Such
followed

the

to holler,

became
groove,

Christ,

Toot would

leave

the

have

retreated

room with

into

an expression

and rage.
familiar
a
69

to
groove

me,
that

for

their

originated

arguments
in

the

unspoken

fact

proved
of

Toot

local

always

bank,

encouraged

delicacy
fewer

costs

and

although

her

in

hadn't

anticipated

she

had

judgment,
risen,

and

the

playing

competence
with
moving
club

up,

pooh-pooh

ll.er daughter's

away with

~~

to

complain.
the

rules,

complain

Every

frowsy

thinning

hair

bolstered,

her

downtown

would
telling

admit

office

us the

inside

a source

of

commission

paid

fewer

a secretary

to

defray

had

a quick

sustained

There

she would

with

mind

work.

reached

as

help

Slowly

the
stay

her

male

for

twenty

passed

she

wore

5:00

around

on in the

that

the

powdered,

her

she would

board

6:30

anyone

else.

pride
story

in
behind
70

her
the

would

just

could

find

local

didn't

apartment
hips
bus

From time

work,

bank

am and changed

the

the

years,
keep

"My graneimother

woke up at

and

took

financial

had

where

T~

she

Her face

she

counterparts

Toot

something.

the

threshold

information

tell

college

and sound

blatant
sexis1tv~ut
Toot
~"'f'
remarks,
and say that everybody

before

a grudging

became

had

such

housedresses
and pumps.

had

he

she

looser

morning,

suit

that

Without

until

about

tailored

job

say

success.

watching

a bit

get

reason

as

for

a vacation,

shouldn't

to

as his

becoming
wealthy
men.
1/r..&,,JY
tl)a't
once,
my mother
would

More

She

Gramps.

woman vice-president

liked

But she

suffice.

playing

house,

out

capacity

doesn't

scarcely

her

birth.

by the

first

her

them

than

bills.

started

of my unexpected

the

career,

between

family's

money

Gramps

her

of the

education,

more

of sorts,

and bitterness

She

earned

to be a trailblazer

and

that

from
into

girdled,
to
to

arrive

a
her
at

time,

she

pleasure

in

news.

When

I got

older,

though,

stopped

dreaming

baking

or playing

was suprised
It

bridge

the

came to

understand
the
it

she believed

kept

stoicism
"So

once,

"that's

--

they

until

Chinese

controlled

'68,
hikes
Toot

the

in

hopes

she

for

would

herself,

for

promises

or
have

but

when the

about,

work

her

of

or my

broken.

What

of grandchildren,

and

had

called

of schedules

room

to

more

them

reading

that

to
to

Hawaii

over

than

they

mysteries.

and

though,

the

drained

and the

weather

occasionally

Islands,

voted

go to

Gramps watched

murder

office,

Watergate

had

small

slowly

would
the

still

their

his

had

the

We didn't

71

They

Otherwise,

during

night,

live.

They

had taken

candidate.
at

say

and pastimes

finance;
of

to

shirts

consolation.

Island

would

guests

Toot.

them

Japanese

out

come

Hawaiian

with

--

pry

she

matters."

wore

carried

anymore;
her

mentioned
that

years,

Bar,"

on being

law and order

together
sat

still

how the

would

library.

now-infrequent

principle

about

local

the

brag

do well,

the

regularity
their

at

a time

necessity

spent

days

spanned

lost

never

fence,

imagined

was the

really

for

had

grumble

my mother

kids

that

insisted

became

only

had

picket

true

to

she

ancestors.

Gramps

still

away,

she

me that

rarely

been

career

going

you

sashimi

ambitions

her

she

have

how my grandparents

apartment.
Toot

her

all

That's

for

history

represented

as

a white

home was nothing

of her

long

prepared

may not

that

grandfather;

with

in

or volunteering

alternative

outside

confide

admission,

may or

preferred

the

would

of a house

by this

regrets.

a wife

she

how the
hearings,

for

the

beach

television,
Their

Nixon

in

or on
while

principal

excitement

now came from

was as though
with

the

energy

they

middle
with

spirit.

means,

the

start

age;

satisfactions

convergence

hanging

on.

freezer.
that
with

of accomplishment

that

they

It

should

of maturity

in my absence,

had decided

come

time

left,

frees

to cut

the
their

They saw no more destinations

summer drew to a close,

school.

but

for

My main

the

start

of

status,

and

they

took

Started

in

into

one

1841

of

incubator

the

for

helped

sway

States:

it
there

only

because

alumnus
little

to

officer,

prep

of

in

Island

her

been

easy

to

long

waiting

me in,
and
of

with

the

Its

to

list,

intercession

in

family

know

Punahou

elites.

get

in the

everybody

schools

decision

Academy

had

grown

country,

me back

had
to

my grandparent's

Gramps'

affirmative

an

reputation

send

I was

it.

being

told

considered

boss,
action,

the

who
it

was

seems,

an
had

race).

for

several

interviews

with

efficient-looking

barely

about

of

experience

a brisk,

questions

prestigious

the

do with

my feet

let

more

an

I had gone

to

my own

Punahou

an elevation

pains

restless

companions
into

missionaries,

(my first
to

finding

grand,

great

my mother

increasingly

my admission

something

generations

was

was

by Episcopalian

hadn't

her;

I became

concern

my grandparents,

heralded

that

the

a recognition

for

or a stand-alone

for.

As the
to

years,

and settle

hope

had by-passed

At some point

loses

new drapes

myself

reached
and

the

school's

woman who didn't

the

floor

my future
72

as
career

she

asked
goals.

admissions
seem

fazed

me pointed
After

the

interview,
that

the

spread

woman sent

over

trees,

old

steel,

tennis

went

on and on.

grabbed

mason

Punahou
me;

there

was

of

a thick
seven

toward

full

of

the

So it

arrive
qraders,

that

was

not

--

it

and Gramps

uniform

rush

Hall,
opened.

building

A handful
73

physical
calculator

entire

prep

school

would

grow

saving

through

courses,

of

the

well-rounded
more
his

and

more

place,

was reading,

his

and
voice

of this!"

of excitement

the

for

progression

thumb

day of school.

assigned
checked;

the

traditions

a load

that

was

pencils,

my grandmother
get

had been

college

his

with

you."

Welcome to the

a box

my expected
the

is

of information

reading

up,

a great

yet

this

with

over.

two

evening

the

"Madelyn,

and Castle

--

number

my life,

room where

school

unless

Gramps

me on my first

early,

and

studio

school,

A locker

buy

listed

to

to pore

new item,

get

was with

accompanied

shady

glass

guide,

packet

plan

to

the

of

each

amazement:

go back

a meal

activities,

he would

head

of

the

isn't

announced.

spent

years

With

animated;

me to

things

book

extra-curricular
excellence.

a complex

and old

photography

"this

a ruler,

Gramps

next

fields

behind

afternoon

in

scissors,

catalog,

get

letter

list

(optional).

we fell

campus,

structures

the

had come a thick

enrolled

green

whispered,

even

the

I was

education,

the

he

one Saturday

family,

of thick

modern

the

arm.

my admission
aside

of

pools,

At one point,

You might

set

on a tour

and

swimming

Bar,"

With

acres

schoolhouses

me by the

heaven.

to

courts,

"Hell,

Toot

several

us

that

He had
for
of

my grandfather
insisted

that

fifth

and sixth

the

children

had

already

we

arrived,

busy

slender

Chinese

large

catching

dental
"Hi

Barry's
with

boy who wore

retainer

there,

boy,

we went

the

himself

to

We sat

at

read

"Would

father

is
is

children
know what
I sat

to

waist

beside

and had

neck.

"This

here's

Barry.

I'm

He shook

hand's

Miss

with

aged

them

launched

into

the

door's

finally

classroom.

do,"

At the

he said

Ronald

Hefty,

our

four

other

woman with

over

me.

to

your

with

said,

homeroom

opened

door,

Gramps

a grin.

as

we watched

him

teacher.

your
your

speechless

children,

short

I heard

grey

titters

and Miss

hair,

took

break

across

Hefty,

an

attendance.
the

room.

name was Barry."

if

we called

a beautiful

Kenyan.

tribe

our

of

11

you prefer

just

two

until

funny,"

name,

such

the

back.

my full

thought

and

I would

a table

middle

leaned

"Barack

stairs

grandfather's

he is.

"I

his

me Gr amps. "

embarrassed,

do anything

"Yeah,

Ronald

said,

of us on the

"Don't

When she

boy

up the

both

energetic

his

We sat

name was Ronald.

I sat,

introduce

around

said.
call

news.

new."

conversation.

"Your

pants
around

You can

whose

"Me too,"

slapped

his

strapped

grandfather.
the

summer's

my grandfather

11

"Barry's

and

up on the

use

age.

name.
to
It's

father
for

Barry?"

Your

live
such

is

you

in

Mrs.

grandfather
Kenya,

you

a magnificent

Hefty
tells

know.
country.

asked.
me your
Teaching
Do you

from?"

a moment
74

as her

question

brought

on more

giggles.

When I finally

repeated

the

children

could

reprimand
could

word

in a loud

no longer

from Miss

mercifully
I

to

faced

boy

the

touch

in Kenya?
I went

other

kids,

grow.

had

classroom

math,
school

what

would

curriculum.

league
played

with

soccer

had

answers

been

swimming
their

of

my

pools;
mothers

fathers

or chess,
75

used

to

I'll

bet."

Indonesian

too

sandals
with

finally

my

especially

the

bake

to

Unfamiliar

grade

coached

the

me were

and

been

for

continued

question,

the

off

the
dowdy.

had

sponsored

Hefty

for

same neighborhoods,

their

my

chosen

through

classmates

in the

home,

belong

my fourth

me

A ruddy-

wore

children

every
in

carry

lived

or badminton

other

taught

Miss

quickly

were

to

girl

door.

well-pressed;

the

list.

easier,

I had

in Jakarta

eventually

they

teams;

that

I didn't

and

annoyed
out

Most

kindergarten;
homes

me so well

by blurting
where

Gramps

new or too

that

down and we

When I got

day a little

my sense

a stern

dinner.

terrific

class

The

A red-headed

people.

me in the

took

settle

on the

of preparing
it

it

when I refused.

of having

protocol,

teachers

hurt

ate

first

that

would

a daze.

the

too

served

in

me

of a monkey.

and

person

my room and closed

clothes

old-fashioned,
that

the

although

The

day

boy behind

sound

class

next

the

Isn't

Makes

The novelty

the

middle

it?

into

the

my father

was in the

the

themselves,

and seemed

me if

a straw-haired

like

before

of

my hair,

"So how was

live

hoot,

contain

Hefty

rest

asked

grandfather

"Luo,"

move on to

spent

asked

said

in

Indonesian

eighth
together

grade
since

in split-level
the

same

sales.

and I had no idea

little
Nobody

how to throw

a football

in a spiral

or balance

A ten-year-old'
first

month,

relegated
or

too

shy,

category

the

asthma

excused

class,

though,

boy

have

in

grade.

from

keenly

of

during

what

until

grew

for

child

in

only

and

day,
contact

dark

and

didn't

we avoided
might

not

on

hot,

each

only

my
Her

black

seem
other,

remind

cloudless

but

me around

the

jungle-jims

I teased

her

has

"She's

pointing
a boyfriend!

a few more

the

kids

she

has

circled

to
but

us more

to the

stood

we

playground.

and the

found

I don't

that

suddenly

swings.

She was

this

way and that,

ground,

breathless.

faceless

before

the

two of us.
a boyfriend!"
around

I stammered.
just

day,

I remember

children,

Joella

my girlfriend,"
but

of

down at

the

and dodged

me and we fell

I saw a group

some assistance,

"Joella's

other

whose

the

other,

sun,

as

the

one

tall

kids

she had been

each

up,

louder

down at

the

too

pain.

to

caught

"Joella

who were

of

of

finally

of the

who were

sort

corner

and

she

was

same

brightly,

When I looked
glare

the

we said

she was chasing

laughing

girls

a different

first

recess

occupying

remember

children

that

isolation.

Finally,
ourselves

There

if

other

the

my arrival

as

my discomfort

hyperactive,

me of

From the

a distance,

our

--

mildly

PE.

in

the

She was plump

many friends.

watched

from

and before

our

than

of misfits

who reminded

name was Joella,

person

off

who was

them

Still,

nightmare.

I was no worse

to the

on a skateboard.

there,

The chants

us.
I looked

to

motionless,

Joella
looking

ground.
got

a ~friend!

Why don't
76

you

kiss

her,

mister

boyfriend?"
"She's
gave
but

her

not
a slight

still

ran,

said

shove;

me alone!

faster

and

rose

appeared

to

had

until
me;

us

look
her

But

again
she

then
back

and

up to Joella

and

looked

me,

at Joella.

was out

of

bell

rang,

the
into

up at

look

that

For

on her

was

and

the

the

rest

face

nothing

she

Appreciative

just

teachers
of

the

before

and accusation.

it

before,

And suddenly
sight.

class.

by the

somehow,

a girlfriend

now.

I ran
back

of disappointment,

....,,~

one

staggered

I shouted

faster,

round

the
to

never

she

I was haunted

run,

explain

11

around

afternoon,

I shouted.

nothing.

"Leave

laughs

had

my girlfriend!"

she

I wanted

personal,

and saw no particular

I'd
need

to
just

to

have

\w.sw { ~~~-I:~~

Mt-.

I a.l5!1o kn.iw)_that

it

was too

late

for

explanations,

that

I'd

been

over

to

Joella's

appearing

as

tested

and

desk,
she'd

found

wanting;_.,lwhenever

I would

always

see

had,

her

pulled

head

I snuck
bent

into

herself

some

room

a glance

over

her

and

work,

asking

no

favors.
My act

of

children,

and

friends,

learned

a wobbly

football

trampled

on,

grandparents
I would
had

like

bought

Joella,
to

speak

less

around.

crushed,

the

any change
man,

five

me

I was mostly
often

But
and

had constructed

walk

by a blind

betrayal

took

for

blocks

in my pockets,
who would

from

alone.

in class,
that
refuge

to

day,
in

the

After

me know if
77

off
any

other

I made a few

a part

my grandparent's
stop

the

and managed

themselves.

I might
let

left

from

to toss

of

life

me felt
that

school

let

apartment;
at

a newsstand

new comic

books

my
out,
if

run
had

come in.

Gramps would

as he laid
sitcom

down for

reruns.

would

drive

would

be

done

in

with

o'clock,

food

there

the

Nested
culture,

no

the

felt
I

had

mailbox

it

which

which

programs

was

if

sometimes

been

for

to watch,

--

and

of

we

the

evening,

sharing

came on at

had

telegram

of

supermarket.

how long

the

and

My homework

the

bosom

as

up,

of

radio.

it

Gramps

rest

Carson

forgiving

and

front

of Top 40 on the
soft,

cartoons

office.

at the

Johnny

and

in

the

discovered

apartment,

we ate

that

wonder

not

wake

around

safe;

hibernation.
there,

he'd

watch

for

negotiating

sounds
in

which

I would

stay

to my room --

were

to

over

the

from her

dinner,

would

me into

I would

up Toot

for

Gramps

I went

asleep

time
I

nap,

thirty,

to pick

There

snack

afternoon

four

downtown

negotiating

and

his

At

television.

latest

be at home to let

the
At ten

that

time,

would

America's

fall

consumer

dropped

into

have

stayed

might

that

Toot

long

found

in

the

"Next

month.

one day.

"Your

father's

Two weeks

after

coming

your

to

mother

see

gets

you,"
here.

she

said.

They'll

both

stay

through

New Year's."
She carefully
the

kitchen.

people

Both

react

illness.

and they

stood

for

a place

her

when the

curable,

"Well,"

folded

For
suspended,

Toot

said

the
and

paper
Gramps

doctor

fell

tells

a moment,
alone
finally.

and slipped
silent,

them
the

with

it

air

they

into
the

have

sucked

thoughts.

"I suppose

we better

where he can stay."

78

in

way I imagine
a serious,

out

their

a drawer

of

start

the

but
room,

looking

Gramps

took

"Should

over

off

his

glasses

be one hell

lunch,

of

and rubbed

his

eyes.

a Christmas."

I explained

to

a group

of boys

that

my father

was

a prince.
"My grandfather,
king

of

father

the

see,

tribe,

you

a prince.
about

into

the

trays

after

a chief.

know,

like

take

over

He'll

"What

he's

that?"

the

It's

sort

Indians.

of

So that

when my grandfather

one of them

trash

bin.

"I

mean,

I want

to,

I could.

asked

will

like

the

makes

my

dies."

as we emptied

you

go

back

our

and

be

prince?"
"Well ... if
cause

the

tribe

'Burning

Spear.'

my father

has

As the
readjust
other

to
in

believe
I told
of

the
the

is

to

settle

words
me,

more

story

flesh,

set

when

disappointed
and vaguely

which

I come."

of

my mouth,

and

familiar

to

as

class,

from

I could
If

we bumped

into

each

of

something

threatening.
79

father

unknown,

me began

of me knew that
from the
After

to
what

shards

a week

on a whim,

my

so

boys

I preferred

alter

means

the

my mother.
that

that

felt

a part
part

see,

be chief,

I had constructed

convenient.

me, he remained

to

before

I had decided

an image

and want

But another

up

Obama,

feuds

and

back

of complicated,

Like

fierce

something

I picked

a distance,
aside

curious

as true.
lies,

all

out

going

sort

warriors.

these

tumbled

line

them were

in the

of

The men are

informations

father

full

It's

of

my

his

image

from

or

ignore

and

hadn't
something

exactly
volatile

My mother
to

his

had

arrival

between

her

she would

--

try

to

in

suppose
to

assure

Indonesia,

her,

my father

she
had

living
trip

my apprehension
it

in

was

the

apartment

me that

the

reunion

with

explained,

Kenya.
of

her

prepare

remarried,

part

in the

mirrored

a correspondence

been

this

efforts

had maintained

sister

sensed

and

we'd

in

after

so,
for

the

in
him,
She

time

about

five

a bad

recuperation

up

go smoothly.

him throughout

been

and

sublet

would

I now had

building

own --

and he knew all

He had
his

days

we had

me.

brothers

Like

and

car

accident,

a long

stay

one
and

in

the

hospital.
"You two will
Along

with

information
Jomo
the

news

about

Kenyatta,
name

relieve

my tribe,

Kenya

greatest

from

once

the

their

river.

Egypt,

the

did

This

ancient

kingdoms

Nefertiti

had

done,

a replica

drawn

by alabaster

chariot,

and

with

the

help

I went
of

of

the

read

bout,

Gramps

lean,

still

bronze

me could

information

she

when she told

who had

banks

I had

about

pilfered

told

the

people

along

me with

I had

my mother

a Nilotic

and Cleopatra,

One Saturday,

that

my interest,

I had

stuff

was from a book

Kenya,

promising;

of

to

spark

home,

seemed

pharaohs,
once

were

original

began

little

she really
Luo,

decided.

it

nothing

I retained

she

--

of

But

and

she

history

president

Spear'.

my doubts,

me that

friends,"

my father,

first

'Burning

Only

of

great

Kenya and its

the

offered.

to

become

of

visions

migrated

the

world's

of

ancient

of the

pyramids

and

kept

a painting

he

Egyptians

on

a golden

steed.
to the

bemused

public
old
80

library
librarian

near
who

our

apartment,

appreciated

my

seriousness,
mention

of soaring

merited

only

number

a short

Nile,

Kingdoms
mud huts,

Their

crotch.

without

the

librarian.

finally

wishing

approaching

step

man.

in my chest

grew

louder.

button.

The door

Filipino

man who lived

on the

"Your
today,"

the
When --

across

the

motionless
after

the

the

doorbell.
"There

cheerfully.

Honolulu

squinting
air

--

at

horizon,
at

I could

see

Corne on,

is

of
a

sky,

no possible
opened

the

yarns and

out

me out

and

early

feeling
with

each

building,

the

I stood

without

and an older

on.
to

be very
door

watch
means

visit

and

looking
that

hand

of

sparrows
of escape,

door.
your

you

happy."

ship

Bar ... corne meet

81

in

building

hour

to

lived

walked

corning

the

the

the

and

let

distant

like

clear

My grandmother
he is!

front

skyline
the

got

"You must
in

of

the

reopened,

father

the

across

elevator,

floor

thong

heavy,

then

fourth
your

standing

the

for

along

and

apartment

closed,

says

after

against

then

through

grandfather
man said

were

In

the

cattle

no

Luo' s

way east

school

my grandparent's

pressing

Sudan,

Hefty

the

the

of millet,

and Miss

My legs

towards

fact,

on a table,

I left

was

a name

in the

was a leather

arrived,

there

just

empires,

open-faced

me luck.

condemned

was

cultivation

costume

thanking

fn

-:::=-

The Luo raised

rudimentary

traditional

day

ritual~

Egyptian

and Benin.

book

thump

the

the

class,

like

of

left

The big

Only

who had originated

and practiced

maize.

Africa.

Nilote

paragraph.

south

of Asante

on East

or e.l.aborate

tribes

far

-~

a book

temples

of nomadic

White

from

found

father."

out
seemed

a clock;
spiral
I rang

And there,
with

a slight

My arms
chin

in the

unlit

limp.

dangled

hallway,

He crouched

to the

side,

I saw him,

down and put

and behind

a tall
his

dark

arms

him I could

figure

around

see

me.

my mother's

trembling.
"Well,

after

Barry,"

so long.
He led

my father

Very

said.

"It

is

a good thing

to

see

you

good."

me by the

hand

into

the

living

room,

and

we all

sat

down.
"So,
well

Barry,

in

school."

shrugged.

offered.

She

also

grandmama

"He's
smiled

"Well,"
doing

your

well.

Have

excelled

feeling

and

my father

rubbed

said,

I told

in their

has

told

me that

little

you are

doing

shy,

think,"

no reason

to

be

very

Toot

my head.

"you

you

have

that

your

schooling?

It's

brothers
in the

and

shy

about

sister

blood,"

have

he said

with

a laugh.
The adults

began

to talk

him.

He was

much thinner

knees

cutting

the

imagine

him lifting

a blunt

ivory

and

a white

~eflected

head
shirt,

the

-.-e~y well,

but

.::.:.s nose,

s==e=~e

.ho's

light

legs

about

than

of his

anyone
leaned
and
of

see

had

malaria

I had

trousers

off

the

the

else

while

expected,

the

in sharp

angles;

ground.

against

Beside

wall.

He wore

ascot.

His

the

so that

I couldn't

lamp,
the

they

glasses

were

more

than
82

slightly
once.

off

I watched

bones

a cane

a blue

horn-rimmed

to

see

rub

the

yellow,
There

of

his

I couldn't

him,

a scarlet

when he took
could

something

the
was

with

blazer,
glasses
his

eyes

bridge

of

eyes

of

a fragility

about
his

his

frame,

beer.

tired

After

and

travel

and
them

"Say

the

stopped

my mother
and

he

out

three

man in

suggested

are

you,

you,"

Bar,"

tribal

and

together

the

other

in

small

beating

and

around

a family:

That's

the

up his

how long

the

Island
plot

in

lion,

an

--

looked

touched

softly.

and

down at

my shoulder.

~He nodded

luggage

never

known.

and

went

was

to do;

they

are

they're

imprinted

too

tangled

arguments

that

walks

the

to

Gramps,

downstairs

to

the

of

in

so much to

the

appear
deeply,
I carry

past

during

the

private

apartment

had

tell

his

be

in

that

on with
83

day on

landmarks
once

stood,

back

into

the
myself,

I was

which

single

I had

month,

my memory

or conversations

irretrievably

voice

the

a house

interactions

to

five

hospital.where

Hawaii,

when I reach

small

together,

remodeled

house

and yet

have

evenings,

my father's

first

of my father,
had,

or short

complex;

There

much explaining

we would
room most

where

apartment

my grandparent's

may have

he said

living

born;

words

around

apartment.

now a luxury

the

up his

a drum

I both

~ tie

my hands.

gathered

us in my grandparents'

of

he looked

fish
--

for

said.

My father

things,"

they

A month.

drives

to

figurines

dress

my mother

I muttered.

lifeless

only

that

and began

wooden

reached

He gathered

agreed.

-:::=

"They

or

me.

thank

carvings,

so,

a cigarette

in mid-stride

a ebony

to

"Thank

or
a nap,

He plucked

elephant,
handed

take

then

bag.

when he lit

an hour

should

bag,

the

a caution

lost.

seed
as

of

all

so
for
we

Perhaps
sorts

impenetrable

of
now

as the
out

pattern

of my genes,

shell.

their

My wife

fathers

and until
I often
left

felt

with

distant

mostly

sounds:

jokes,
shoulder

as

college;

the

much to

and this

say

and he didn't

images

that

appear

head

thrown

introduces
of

die

Christmas

his

of

eyes,

the

boys

the

mark,
speak.

in

my mind

at

and

unless

me to

off

his

worn-

other

to

for
I'm
like

one of Gramps'

ornaments;

one

the

that

each

in laughter

me to

narrowing

to

push

and

back

and I hang

--

may come closer

him,

and his

one leg

direct
--

the

that

time

of

about

her

hands

summoned
reprise
Kennedys
nothing

see

his
old

grip

on my

friends

stroke

bedroom,

to

or

spirit

their

old

continued
more than

fear

itself.

It

fascinated

of

to

finance,

of

from

his

as

if

sound

me, this

even

suddenly

King
their

hands

sparse

cajoling

more

Toot,

air

caltv

and

out

and

his

her

the
with

blue-

been

had

of them

shot
and

and
riot

set-back~and

there

was nothing

inexplicable

power

of his,

84

of

presence

each

war

and

spar

with

and allowed
never

During

vigorous

smoked

though

had

and

my family.

seemed

the

he spoke

outstretched

sure,

come alive

was as

times,

large

overcome

Gramps

It

For whenever

and

stabbing

earlier

temporary

change

bashful;

would

roles;

deep

us,

make a point.

the

his

voice

with
more

people.

other,

a sudden

stayed

politics

the

his

my mother

fox-hole

viened

he

on other

over

deflect,

I would

thoughtful,

effect

draped

or

laughing

but

explanation

is

as he reads.

his

him

have

I can perceive

before

his

he

Images,

to

always
--

as my mother

goatee,

a simpler

trust

mute

all

offers

don't

they

so that

to
the

were
to fear

and for

the

first

time

even

~dtoJ.:1im

I began

After

permanent.

tension

around

father

that
her

evening,

I turned

Grinch

weeks,

though,

few

Toot

her

on the

immediate,
I

Gramps

build.

anybody's

avoided

Who Stole

real,

chair.

wasn't

eyes

something

to

in his

she

pinched,

The

me beginning

was sitting

dishes

as

muttered

as

to

watch

--

and

feel

while

we ate

she

my

did
s

the

mouth

dinner.

a cartoon

the

the

that

My mother'

parents,

Christmas

could

complained

servant.

television

perhaps

One

special

whispers

broke

-into

shouts.
"Barry,
said.

you have watched

"Go in your
Toot

stood

been
to

room and study

up and turned

show on in the
"No,

bedroom,

Madelyn,"

watching

enough

now,

off

the

tonight,"

and

let

TV.

the

my father

adults

"Why don't

talk."

you turn

the

Bar."

my father

that

television

machine

said,

"that's

constantly,

not

what

and now it

I mean.

is

time

He's
for

him

study."
My mother

vacation,
looking

that

he

assignments

should.

to

it
is

can

me.

"I

Go now,

grew

explain

was

all

begin

week.

on

have
tell

before

that

If
his

won't
the

next

Barry,

I get

angry

Gramps

insisting
85

has

day's

the

Christmas
I

had

from

been

long."
done

his

work

for

Or

the

assignments.

you do not
at

almost
that

last

boy

when he returns

you,

was

favorite,

"It

to my room and slammed

louder,

it

Christmas

nonsense.

he will

I went
voices

to

this

tomorrow,

to

this

forward
"Anna,

turned

tried

the

holidays."

work

as hard

He
as you

you."
door.

that

And I listened
this

was his

house,

as the
Toot

proclaiming

that

everyone,
father

including
say

and

that

listened

changed.
Toot

my father

show,

to

goblins

stood
say

as

Grinch

by the

days

when

her

parents

my father

would

last

a firm

and

minutes

lair.

of my

all

of

Watching

on ruining

children,
and

had

left

between

us,
the

Christmas,

I began

things

my

hand,

nothing

five

open

bully

I heard

my father

intent

leave

and

time.

that

sealed-off

of two doe-eyed

in

I needed

after

the

screen,

come

this

that

cracked

old,

television
faith

all

me,

watch

had

some

to

and even

I could

of

on the

transformed

tell

something

out

right
gone

spoiling

accused,

that

if

rushing

green

were

no

being

my mother

We all

I felt

the

me, after

they

came in to

had

would

to count
return

to

apartment

to

normal.
The next
see

if

the

door,

shirtless.

'

and dark,

as

and

to wash.

been

crying.

but

I told

left

bed,

after

in

relaying

"OK,"

just
I said

me around

and went

to

the

"I know all

be mad at
a little
without
the

room,

him that
message.

eyes

asked
Toot

of

were

me to

needed

Upstairs,

his

sit

me to
I began

in.

father,

stubborn

opened

one

and her

My father

came
your

ironing

a pony-tail,

the

my room when my mother

He's

and my father

I saw my mother

if

she'd

my father's

I knocked,

back

"You shouldn't

follow

me down to

was tied

him on the

her,

cleaning

much.

sent

Inside,

Her hair

down beside
help

Toot

he had any laundry

shirts.
soft

day,

Bar.

He loves

you very

sometimes."

looking

at

her.

until

she

is

confusing

I could

finally

let

out

feel

her

a slow

eyes
breath

door.
this

stuff

86

for

you,"

she

said.

"For

me too.

Just

try

to

remember

what

I said,

ok?"

She put

her

hand

~~

on the

doorknob.

"Do you want

I nodded,
stuck

her

head

"By the
'I~~
..:i:i-!Ito

to

but
back

way,

come witb

speak

to

the

next

faces

squirmed

still

trying

father

trying

as
to

walked

them

math

in

to

into

the

homeroom

room,

when

she

has

invited

your

father

if

it

had

to

how

my class
as

of

about

would

to

Hawaiian

by

thirty

treat

for

the

all

my lies

I remembered,
the

Miss

was

when

Hefty

my

welcomed

several

children

more desperate

when our

named Mr. Eldredge,

confused

my

nerve.-i?r
myself

I heard

I became

of

inevitable:

explain

day.

my seat,

no-nonsense

the

and all

mud huts,

a jolt

next

on.

night,

Each time

the

I took

a special

Kenya,

in Africa,
The other

heard

received

out

that

children

came

from

his

door.

Obama's

father

is

to
kids

tell

trying

behind

him.

myself

here,

you

and

us about

looked

stiffly,

bring

Hefty

She wants

thoughts

afterwards.

followed

"Barry

I could

a minute

Miss

I spent

suppress

jokes

a big,

"We have

blackboard

news.

what was going

next

my head

only

you that

when they

and

other

teacher,

for

on Thursday.

worse

figure

cheerfully,
each

to tell

school

imagine

painful

body

ask

to

out

k?"

room.

I forgot

of my classmates
the

been

close

class."

day,

exposed,

had

in the

yett

I couldn't
the

she

me to

he's

his

come

focus

He had been
to

the

on

speaking

moment.
87

Miss

Hefty

all

the

began.
way

from

country."

at me as my father
to

back

today,"

stood

up,

and I held

vacant

point

for

some time

He was

leaning

on

the

before
against

Miss

Heftys

thick

earth

where

mankind

animals

that

required

a young

of the

oak

and

first

roamed

for

told

of Kenya's

stay

and rule

the

been

enslaved

only

had

in

to

just

to

be

free

and

When

he

finished,

Kenyans,

develop

his

how the
had

color

the

He spoke

utmost

respect
And he

had wanted

in America;

themselves

still

trees.

just

us

through

to

how many had

skin,
of

the
wild

that

British

all

in
the

manhood.

of their

like

gash

tribes

great-trunked

as they

of the

that

the

received

under

deep

He described

to prove

how elders

because
but

born.

to be free,

people,

the

plains,

follow

struggle

America;

been

a lion

Luo,

all

describing

the

boy to kill
of the

and made laws

longed

had

still

customs

desk,

in

as they

the

hard

room,

work

and

sacrifice.

pride.
the

Mr.

~y classmates

All
courage

consider

to

"You've

dad

:.s p~e":ty

look

soce
of

of

to

front

of

was

beaming

and

of which

my father

The bell

with

a few struck

rang

up

appeared

to

lunch,

and

for

ree.

coo::..
side,

absolutely

heartily,

answering.

impressive

bey

children.

sinple

who had

father."
asked

about

cannibalism

said,

11

I saw Joella
She

seemed

watch

my father

too

intent

In that

time,

to

say

goodbye

smile;

just

satisfaction.

Two weeks
in

cne

the

each

a pretty
faced

n..:.::i:iy

And off
to

questions,
before

get

Hefty

applauded

ca::ie up to

Eldredge

"Your

ask

carefully

The

Miss

later,

the

he was gone.

Christmas

tree

and
88

pose

for

we stand
pictures,

together
the

only

one's

I have

of us together,

gift

to

me,

will

know that

Brubeck

to

make,

quilts

book

lie

his

nor

time.

But

old

knitted

brown

his

to

dust

stereo,
the

Look

The sounds
It

took
but

needle

sharp

"Come,
:::iaster."

to

see

he unearthed

the
the

and

in

the

apartment
place

I'll

full

read

my

me, a present

mass;

I know neither

their

how they

play

out

over

company.

departure,

after

my mother

two records,

here!fi

forgot

of your

and I helped

forty-fives,

in dull

to

puzzle

finally

the

disc

began

on the

groove.

the

thump

off-beat,

as they
Barry,"
And

of

drums,

up the

my father

suddenly,

I had

out
to

A tinny

brought

these

his

for

back
said.
slender

the

lick

again,

clean
urging

"You
body

opened,

guitar

voices,

rhythm,

archaic
place~

and he gingerly

guitar

the

89

my grandparent's

turn,

then

and then

rode

that

continent."

awhile

on the

insistent

his

him

horns,

lightly

opaque

performers

spells

in

covers,

him,

jackets.

"Barry!
you.

alone

beside

the

brief

people

At a Dave

dark

name I forget,

can't

accustomed

bags,

us

of phrase,

consequences,

I grow

of

11

that

For

seat

or turns

The day of my father's

him repack

he claps.

He remains

gestures

sound

his

("Ah,

a tie.

in the

of

two

him

such

quietly

woman who's

his.

their

sit

basketball,

bought

wearing

the

and

an orange

I've

equations

him,

doilies

he reads

to

whenever

a retired

when I mimic
origins

clap

tie

important

spare

beside

and

while

the

to

from

the

I struggle

follow

I will

off

I am very

careful

sublet
of

showing

concert,

unable

day

him

me holding

will
was

then

the

stepping

and joyful

and

us on.
learn

from

the

swaying

back

and

forth,

the

cast

lush

sound

was

rising,

an invisible

net,

his

feet

off-beats,

rump

rhythm

quickened,

then

one eye

into

a silly

the

guitar

walked
first

in

him into

that

opened
grin,

that
cries

to

the
the

what
steps,

voices
sound,

for

eyes

across

see

leaves

back,

peek

closed

all

the

with

to

and the
beat,

my eyes

out

closed,

much behind

a quick
and

laughter.

90

reaches

they

his
solemn
horns

circle.

The

pleasure,

and

face
rode

spread
out

and

and my grandparents

was

And I hear

as

in half-beats,

a tight

me and his

forth

swinging

floor

follow

commotion

lifting.
he lets

in

smiled,

back

were

the

hips

down at

the

arms

wove over

and my mother

slipped
to

head

and his

tentative

swinging,

shout

high,

his

about.
down,

him still:

shout,
out

bright
for

I took
up,
as

my

my arms
I follow

and high,
more,

a shout

Chapter

"Man,

I'm

not

going

to

anymore

of

these

bullshit

Punahou

parties."
"Yeah,
Keith

that's

what

and I sat

He was a couple
of

his

army

year.

an easy

friendship,

I enjoyed
his

women

who

supposedly

exploits,

Olympic

caliber

stomache

that

coaches

and

~~rough

Keith,

~appening

at

celebrities

he was one of the

some

said,

quavered
opposing
I would

==-~~~
on him to
==~~--:1,
I gave

find

university
ease

--:.s::A.,ce~ified

this

time,
racists.

their

or out

him a sounding

"- =.ean it

shaking

11

the

through
board

for

he was saying
All
91

of

the

of
past

things

he

large
and

in

for

Islands,

jersey

left

disbelief.

parties

unfamiliar

em.

his

improbably

army bases,

now.

retinue

was true,

heads

his

made up

in the

black

on the

population.

it

an

into

together

of the

sprinters

the

fallen

night,

Most

sweat-soaked

about

Angeles

that

--

every

his

out

my passage

life

despite

a result

humor that

everything;

fastest

under
teams

L.A.
him

this

fact

and brash

not

Los

high-school

he knew.

but

as

we had

to the

black

called

to discount,

the

part

hamburgers.

who,

from

in age,

to a former

still
the

me I tended
that

difference

he had a warmth

our

a senior

arrived

of Punahou's

references

time."

me,

had

our

company;

example,

than

transfer,

half

last

and unwrapped

due in no small

constant

football
told

his

the

a table

older

Despite

we made up almost

for

down at

of years

father's

previous

you said

that
and

were

I could

territory.

In

frustrations.
"These
White

girls

girls.

are

A-

Asian

girls

... Asians

worse

than

the

whites.

Think

we got

a disease

or

something."
"Maybe
thought

they'

re

you were
"Get

nigger

at

that

big

butt

of

Man,

yours.

in training."

your

hands

... buy your

"Just

looking

out

of

my

own damn fries.

cause

a girl

doesn't

fries.

You

Now what

was I talking

about?"

you doesn't

make her

go out

with

ain't

my bitch,

racist."
"Don't
time.

Look,

not

so

thick,

anyway.

you

up

walkin

hand

in hand.

me she

ain't

going

guess

who's

Keith,'

actually

we still
'No

the

like

on me,

by the

I don't

don't

I just
thing

two

cool.

arms

shit.

shit's
then

tell

her
she's

love

birds

out.

Get

around

one

I know,

little

Pamela

know what's

Nothin.

She tells

to

Rick
going

Sorry-assed

the

dance,

Cook.

'Hi,

down.

Rick

motherfucker

11

of fries
see

Next

I say

about

my reaction,

that.

I go ask

guy ain't

a handful

check

say

her

talking

I say ok ... your

Yamaguchi,

got

she

right?

way.

to

dance.

there,

Now you know that

nothin

Neck'

just

no.

tight.

So alright,
to

says,

He stuffed
me,

I didn't

Ray

standing

she

Cook!
got

with

she says
stopped

know,

hooked

out,

Keith

11

"Alright,

Monica,

I 'm not

alright?

I ask Monica

hot

grinned.
ok,

be

into

you

his

doing

mouth.

any

"It

better

in

ain't

just

the

booty

never

admit

department."
Because
that

to

him.

"So what

I'm

shy,

Keith
happens

I thought
pressed

the

to myself;

but

I would

advantage.

when we go out
92

to

a party

with

some sisters,

huh?

What happens?

like

there's

chicks

... it

can

have

no
don't

I tell

you what

tomorrow.

High

matter.

my number,

happens.
school

They actin

baby.'

Blam!

They

chicks,

sweet,

all

on us

university

smiles,

sure

you

Bet."

"Well ... "

"Well

what?

basketball

team,

and you

know it,

playground,
this

season,

"That's

harder

to

here.

But

brother,

don't

breaks
boys

and they're

do,

winning
for

your

last

of his

fries,

your

a smart-assed

the fries

I'm

because

want

you

tear

other

nothin,

em up on the
football

squad

guy dropped?

we was white.

Tell

Or Japanese.

saying."

what

dates

if

on the

of you ain't

on the

the

time

saying?"
saying.

there

make

the

somebody

whatever,

the

all

you

that

or

"As

I'm

here's

just

white

what

ahead

I startin

how many passes

Eskimo."

more playin

I seen

Why wasn't

Or fucking

get

Maybe they

know it.

different

are

you get

two guys

be treated

"Alright,

eating

At least

and they

not

"So what

like

huh?

no matter

Or Hawaiian.

get

why don't

no contest.

me we wouldn't

not

Listen,

girls

that

team

and that's
the

black

saying
man,

you eat,

black

like

it.

that

the

but

it

might

around

all

racist.

daddy,

or their

yeah,

I might

get,

but

they

coach

likes

to

play

I said,

coaches

it's

girls

saying

I don't

self,"

yeah,

here

their

some guys

play.

the

are

I'm

style

greasy-mouthed
"I'm

any
that

looks

the

way they

saying,

aren't

and we ain't
on the

I'm

like
if

play,

way.

reaching

may not
help

that

play

for

the

you cause
you

stopped

making you look six months pregnant.

93

That's

what

I'm

"Man,
Keith

too

know why you

up

crumpled

and

carton.

"Let's

complicated

Keith
had
it

I don't

got

hamburger

saying."

was

passed
had

that

for

been

to the

mall,

part-time

over

the

jobs

I meet

its

at

awkward

kids

gotten

the

folks."

paper

into

his

s getting

on the

by the

way

-- marginal
spent

and

date;

I sometimes

of status

lines

of

fell

their

cars,

had

steadily

had

less,

that

rituals

cards

hanging

acne

years
least,

and

report

of friends

if

at

rites

made my share
and

Five

surface,

usual

chain,

and others

families

complicated.

and

burger

my own position

whose

these

Your shit'

Saturdays

realignments

or

that

had

children

the

as some rose

knowledge

of here.

marked

I'd

mysterious

bodies

out

office,

desire.

classmates,
their

from

occasional

for

grease-stained

visit,

time,

principle's

and turbulent
on the

my father's

expects

calls

get

things

a placid

America

the

excuses

me."

right;

since

making

out

at the

driving
at

tests

school,
still

took

and

went
puzzled

place

among my

depending

on the

whims

comfort

in

took

improved.

and might

remind

of
the

Rarely

did

me of

good

fortune.
My mother
returned
master's
her

to

tried
Hawaii

degree

and Maya in

mother's

student

when I brought

to remind
shortly

me.
after

in anthropology.

my own
For three

a small

apartment

grants

supporting

friends

She had separated

arrival,
years

a blocks

home after

the
school,

94

from Lalo
to

three

pursue

I would

away
of

my mother

from
us.

and

live

a
with

Punahou,
Sometimes,

would

overhear

my

them

remark

cable

about

on TV, or the

pull

me aside

going

to

at

the

wasn't

planning

anyone

else,
It

let
and

exactly

appreciated

lack

of

kids,

the

two

top

fine

of

education

was understood.

Despite

out,

for

dark-eyed
was ready

suggested

had

than

to

offer,
I'd

live

my trouble

out
I

them.

Away

from

myself

to

appearance,

of

at

sight.

could

barely

interior
man in
around

with

arrangement

away

her

from

struggle.
and

me seemed

to

Indonesia

again

so long

~More

as

I kept

much

trying
the

exactly

less

to

was

my grandparents,

beyond

my purpose,

myself,

know

the

my grandparents:

I was

America,

when my

attend

what

suited
to

the

field-work,

to

over

her

after
But

Maya

of

to help

become.

me alone,

articulate

she

looking

new all
pact

Punahou,

assertions

I doubted

being

cookies
she

my best

and

no.

leave

The

my mother,

one

her

again,

from me or

sullen

to conduct

an unspoken

and they'd

a black
no

with

and wearied

a fitful,
be

back

of

while

attitude,

had

Indonesia

I said

of

that

in

go

at

laundry,

my sister

to

and

receiving

the

mother

list,

and I did

lack

and she would

baking

my periodic,

there,

them

purpose

engaged

arrived

with

that

the

that

any snotty

doing

return

school

that,

could

to
that

international

~~

child

so

priority

close,

groceries,

or

was a single

I was

up with

we had remained

and

her

understood?

fridge

house-keeping,

raising

was that

knowing,

the

she

on putting

shopping

in

me know that

independence,

mother

soda

less-than-perfect

and

school

weren't

..;_

the

to
given
what

raise
of

that

meant.
My father's

letters

provided

few
95

clues.

They

would

my

arrive

sporadically,

on

guinmed-down
report
and

a single

flaps

that

obscured

everyone

insist

that

our rightful

blue

my mother

he would

include

didn't

quite

understand

arrive

at

a career

suits

closet,

to

my mother's

had

a number

bridge

partners,

and

hurting

his

games.

They

were

of

cigars,

smelling
place

and

of time
jovial

talking
slap

once

it

was time

complain

to

There

drag

their
was

Whenever

dilapidated

house

had

some modest

enjoyed

Wright

and

Langston

:;:::etry.

But

by

one

the

enough

level,

you

will

promptly

on

way into

the

to

not

watch

poker
care

some

hoarse

not

to have

of

say

their

voices

would
was

another

and

has

to waste

saw me they

and
about

whom everything

named

run-down

notariety

once,

during
poems
I

aphorisms

its
a lot

offer

doing;

word

a
but

except

to

a bid.

of the

time

take
to

mostly

to

they

a poet

of his

to

From time
of

me how my mother

about

Hughes

!'lad shown me a couple

old

wouldn't

exception,
in

friends,

enough

ask

they

partner
one

male

men for

it.

and

in school,

their

men with

seen

to play,

He would

respond

find

me along

they've

back

its

the

of him.

got

of

that

welcome

form

I would

neatly-dressed
kind

all

the

would

black

he'd

about

so

margins.

finding

pictures
of

the

on the

letters

old,

and who figure

water

before

feelings,

in

you.").

his

up

we so desired.

usually

("Like

page,

the

I and Maya were

advice,

a wide-ruled

Gramps

at

him whenever

that

folded

commend me on my progress

and

beside

time

that

any writing

was fine,

place

next

page

met
96

his

Frank

sections

who lived
of Waikiki.

a contemporary
years

in

Chicago
in a book

him

have

must

a
He

of Richard

anthologized
he

in

--

Gramps
of black

already

been

pushing
that
us

eighty,

with

made him look

his

poetry

whisky

like

to

with

a big,

us

Gramps

dewlapped

an old,

of

and a shaggy

shaggy-maned

whenever

out

face

an

lion.

we stopped

by

empty

container(!)~

jelly

his

grey

afro

He would

read

house,

sharing
As

the

night

wore

dirty

on,

the

two of them

limericks.

laments

Eventually,

about

drive

"And if

I was
breath

you

the

visits

to

drink,

my help

fully

old

turn

to

boy,"

would

tell

me

his

house

though,

as

you

with

secrets

always

if

Frank

drive

Frank,

of hard-earned

transaction

to

"Don't
we'd

into

his

bar

seemed

the

his

favorite

tell

your

with

a juke
that

I was only
would

.onan

with

Coke

for

-=~:d
-=~:d

spot
sit

bar,

the

me

between,

Gramps

eleven

wave at

bare,
me.

If

us,

was the

only

else

balls
my legs

white

bring

teach

dangling
97

a wink,
into

me the
from the

place,

men leaning
a big,

or

across

light-skinned

for

Gramps

the

tables,

game,

but

high

and

Nobody

man in the

at

me

a small,

tabl~s.

a Scotch

playing

took

district.

with

pool

bartender,

was

and

say

Some of the

and the

vaguely

Gramps

street-walkers
of

eyes.

I couldn't

red-light

a couple

arms would

nobody

bar,

and

hooded

some complicated,

he would

or twelve.

fleshy

me a few
at the

box

whisky

w.a.-..

whenever

in Honolulu's

soft-bodied

and

a transaction

I felt

grave."

feeling

witnessing

grandmother,"

hard-faced,

to mind

bar

place

your

books

behind

left

I were

The same thing

walk past

dark

that

taking

understand.

downtown

composing

would

,~~

unspoken

in

conversation

em, they'll

by the

hint

uncomfortable,

to

you let

intrigued

and the

The

solicit

women.

"They' 11
soberly.

would

stool,

and a
Gramps

usually
blowing

bubbles

into

walls

--

my drink

the

characters

at

women

compromising

positions.

with

"How's

looking

phosphorescent

in

named Rodney

and

a wide-brimmed

school

comin,

the
on

pornographic
animal
If

hat

skins,

he

would

was

stop

art

on the

the

Disney

around,

by to

a man

say

hello.

captain?"

"Alright?"
"You gettin

them

A's,

ain't

you?"

"Some."
"Well

alright.

Doris,

say,

peeling

a twenty

out

before

falling

back

still

remember

would
his

pocket,
I

can

evening
with

trips,
red

weary

green

laughter

that

twelve

the

bar

his

I had

was the

the

presence
high

bar
there

school

knowing

that

needed,

would

felt
I

color-coded,

of

help

had

have

to

the
it

to
was

beg

that

radio:
seemed,

that
an

off

the

but

and

the

Yet even

of the

people

in

my grandfather
help

him

not

judge

could
I

time

I had

from

Gramps'

whatever

knew

forget
him.

that

reached

our

junior

invitations,
it

was that

source.

was a place

to start.

arcade

images

of

flashing

room.

what

forget,

those

cue-ball

who could

some other

98

from

during
jukebox

most

that

I was after,

come from

the

around

and by the

learned
it

of

believed

him

felt

and the

choice;

who he

Rodney

he had pulled

click

sense

coke,"

shadows.

of people

forced,

whatever

TV, movies,

out

did

the

source
to

company

really

the

begun

people

stack

of darkness
and

another

excitement

without

there

own troubles,

Maybe

-,.;as

ran

into

the

lights

already

weren't
there

of a thick

enticement

and

at

sought

the

buy my man here

Pop culture
from

which

you

could

cop

a walk,

a talk,

a step,

a style.

I couldn't

Marvin

Gaye,

couldn't

pack

curse

And I

could

learn
Shaft

to~ll

.c:i--~oul

or Superfly,

but

play

basketball,

with

exceed

my limited

talent.

come at

a time

when the

University

into

starting

mainland.
games,

That
and

themselves
each
fawning

that

same

spring,

to

me poised

about

some

to

flipping
net

and the

centers

out.

court

two hands

at

dribble,

By the

time

teams,

and

could

of black

had

sure

enough

and

tossing

ball

found

its

part

then

joined

in

of their

after

ten

after

dark,

reached
take

hour,
high

men, mostly

I
the

gym rats
99

was

of

jumpers

that

whistle

blew

Toot

going

down

school

had

would

watch

ball

with

up the
jump-shot,

same solitary
playing

and has-beens,

to

sidelines,

after

university

boys

battle.

up,

in the

their

heads

and began

an awkward

school,

the

the

throwing

of

the

still

the

furious

stories

absorbed

my game to

until

world,

window,

from

one

over

apartment

developing

in

chuckling

on

mark,

team

of an all-

high-arcing

my grandparents'

well

basketball

warriors,

girlfriends

and they

gift

me to

staring

or

Christmas

warm-ups,

confident

their

that

shipped

in

joke,

passion

strength

taken

players

layups

until

hour
I

the

bedroom

first,

Gramps

had

up

near

me on the

on the

at

to become

From her

of Hawaii

wink

as the

a playground

steps.

I could

My father's

school

inside

jumped

I decided

Train

a consuming

rankings,
the

but

the

handful

five

watched

snapped

over

national

had

fans

casually

the

other

like

Pryor.

always

black

let

could

a gun like

Richard

had slipped

to

like

would
had

but

croon

-(W-..

a crossmoves.

on

Punahou'

courts,

where

would

teach

me

an

attitude

respect

that

didn't

just

from

what

you did,

came

you

could

shut

the

anyone

talk
hell

you

them

And something

else,

too,

the

players

best

players

got

because

that's

which

swept

it

wasn't

just

like

My wife

will

roll

star

for

up she

manhood.
their
work
to

will

She's
male

Yet

is

difference
surfers

at

guitarists

daddy

was.

that

you

but

up.

That

sport.

That
like

That
should

you didn't
hurt

let

or weakness

see.

something

nobody

about

moment

or

yours,

so that

talked

and the
their

and

the

a move

sweat

a way

broke

and the

score

only

trance.

In

that

even

about;

points

the

a pass

insist

bought

the
--

right

the

and
worst

mattered

the

middle

surprised

even

guy guarding

that

she'd

-hen

boys

of
you,

you has

ne

rack

and

football
resided

where

the

or found

most

the

She grew up with

of

the
or

limited
100

see

to wind

her

out

suppose

son

play

in magazines,

the

to

of

of

follow

of harvest

or

so that

how

the

around

would-be
number

the

American

to want

identity,

man-boys

either

a charicature

imperatives

to dictate

players
in

now.

of swaggering

aren't

suppose

the

living

a charicature

=ootsteps,

off

rather

I .as

itse:f

aren't

about

and when she wants

of course;

tired
factory

eyes

a brother,

a ti=e

between
or

it

game was tight

her

right,

father's

live

who your

opponent,

sustained

adolescence,

in the

the

"Damn ... "

a basketball

cello.

to

the

how you
make

us

in

with

emotions

worrying

up

might

smile,

black

stopped

you

because

of

when the

do

back

you to see

want

together

an

couldn't

didn't

to

and not

rattle

you

up behind

of being

to

to

up if

sneak

that

stuff

have

principle
me --

rock
options

n'

the
roll

at

my

disposal.

Each

of us chose

uncertainty.

At

community

of sorts,

I could

draw

friends,
it

begun

heads,
boy,

how white

seventh

"Why did

tennis
the

pro

grade,

you

schedule

me during

might

"Can't

you

rub

off

take

on

it;

a joke?"

--

older

woman in my grandparents'

I got

on the

manager
was

told

assistant

that

elevator

behind

that

had

basketball

nice

jumper,

men,

had

that

we shouldn't

told

him --

lived

muttered

with

a fury

refusal

for

wiry

that

surprised
101

nose.

The
touch

because

red-faced

smile

report

to

him.

The

agitated

tell

the

four

my

when

building
when she

years.

Our

man from New York with

of me and
a bunch

of surprise

board

last

earshot
to

The first

to apologize

the

their

I shouldn't

to

out

might

shake

tears

who became

and ran
her

and

bulletin

game with

lost

his

that

apartment

a young,

to

whose

of them

him a bloody

a pick-up

within
have

the

one

slights.

when I threatened

her

close

teenagers

thin-lipped,

there

coach,

who after

I gave

up to

her;

I was following

of

me a coon;

his

white
And

blacks

chuckle

a tournament

pinned

other

that

make my closest

do you,"

would

when

find

how stunted,

Islands,

down a ledger

--

could

my own.

will

who called

of matches

color

run

against

be a disadvantage.

the

shape

folks

do that?"

who told

into

armor
I

no matter

and the

Everybody

would

court,

I would

Keith

help

alone.

ourselves,

couldn't

trickle

just

and my mind
in

to

meet

would

when we were

that

blackness

and anger

"That's

life,

was there

I would

for

basketball

an inner

where

that

who had

confusion

--

It

on turf

my age

on the

with

on.

was there

say

least

a costume

some
three

of niggers;
even

me --

talkative
of

black

my teammates

and who,
to

shut

when I
up,

had

calmly

explained

people,

and there
That's

cruelty
and

the
are

just

I was
It

some .

in otherwise

laughter.

It

first

place.

White
own mouth

at

until

be exempted

from

might

a similar

draw

people

the

white

sloppy

folks,

and then

finally

assured

thinking

told

of

Without

blacks

whites,
knowing

But was that

the
to

complicated
sort

out.

some blond

without
that

he'd

hear

him

explain

the

( "I

know

I can

never

day,"

the

there

teacher

might

still

the

thing

that

were

times

when

just

met about

scars

would

really

of

life

know what

fl"Od) , and

102

and

I could

like

you

day),

Keith

as whites,

to pay?
I never

in

doing.

to

That

was

could

seem

Keith

tell

s mean streets,
eager

must

swear

are

you,"

we were

listen

some

white

pay.

on L.A.'
to

could

("There

that

a price

I would

racism

9-1

to

my

of falling

displayed

what

Keith

in

My mother

risk

whites,

in

scorn.

between

the

about

be a price

cruel

some whites

court

exactly

Was there

part,

girl

talk

the

bitter

of their

motherfuckers

off

knowing

right?

There

had

never

being

myself,

my coach
stupid

an

our

distrust.

remained

walking

would

told

be mean

uncomfortable

there

are

him before

me that

front

there

forth

that

the

arrogance,

were

of our
I

black

just

could

of

were

category

that

people

you deserving

was explained

And although

wasn't

brought

themselves

general

It

know they

distinction,

and bigots.

into

had

the

that

are

niggers."

brand

thought

it

"there

were

black

didn't

The words

first,

that

people,

least

that

do you.

particular

whites

Or at

folks.

guys

will

learning

sane

was as if

fact

Those

folks

was

obtuseness

the

obvious

niggers.

how white

involved;
then

apparently

young

go through
that

~
0 Just

or

teacher
every
beneath

the

sober

expression~Keith

score.

our

telling

me,

and off

at

I'd

rage

his

I would

housing

project

proverbial
Bobby,
loved

to

it

for

to give

when we really

And Keith

would

--

need

shake

his

on

performances,

consigned

to

some heatless

at

they

of the

like

Greg

or Mike

each

other.

like

Doctor

bad-assed

We said

front

seemed

least

Crow

the

treated

Shit,

Jim

Hawaii.

guys

or at

the

switched

the

than

themselves

was

in

friends,

back.

be

he

living

we sat

them

object,

one of his

we pleased;
white

me in on the

could

in goddamned

different

afford

no

We were

and we loved

Maybe we could
Save

any

be black

after

We weren't

where

us

us,

em wanted

him.

None of our

treated

it

We weren't

somewhere.

bus.

needed

confirmation;

sincerity.

ate

at me, letting

world

Sometimes,

remind

we pleased,

They

white

our pleasure.

South,

or

the

no independent

question

what

at

was winking

nigga

half

of

J.
pose

a rest.

it.
head.

A pose,

huh?

flashed

his

Speak

for

your

own self.
And I would
that

to

his

credit

potentially
to

exposure,

Later,
feeling
whenever

I would
when

something

I was

wasn't

liked

Stevie

Wonder,

I played

cool.

It

I was different,

basketball,
was

as

retreat
alone,

right.

mentioned

if

trump

who my own self

quickly

person

me if

me I was

played.

a white

much they

had

I had no idea

though,

that

Keith's

he rarely

suspect.

risk

asked

know that

to

middle

a trick
103

were

the

a warning

school

the

how

supermarket

principal
played,

funny
sounded

of conversation

being

all;

ground.

or when a woman in
or when the

one

Unwilling

remember

I knew that
in the

after
was.

safer

I would

card,

told
although

what

the

trick

tricked,
one
began
big

was,

eluded

my conscious

day

early

spring

the

direction

in

walking

in

banyan

Bench,

tree

but

school's

it

served

jesters

Keith

as

the

down the

seniors,

a stout

defensive

tackle

and he shouted

loudly

Kurt

Keith

went

repeated
"What's

walking
asked

his

away.

those

"What

are
that

'yo

are

for

football

soon

Senior

the

high

and party

set,

jostling

steps.

for

One of

team

the

named Kurt,

as he saw us.

Whas happenin!"

me,

outstretched

I waved

I overheard

But when

him off.

Kurt

later,

palm.

Keith

say

to

Keith

as

caught

up with

of us,"

I said.

I was
me and

just

making

fun

about?"

baby,

mister

that's

Keith's

talking

the

in waiting

circular
on the

circled

called
place

ladies

as

that

and

give

sensitive

me five'
all

bullshit."
of a sudden?

Kurt

don't

mean

by it."
"If

"I'm

folks
you talkin

"So who's
nothin

problem?"

was

class,

was wrong.

"Man,

"All

to

bench

cheerleaders

Kurt's

A few minutes

me what

and

man!

up and slapped
gesture

It

descending

My main

the

stone

up after

a gathering

and the

up and

Keith!

the

jocks

position

"Hey,

and who was being

I met

s campus.

and attendants

was there,

tricking

and

of

mainly

crowd,

the

grasp.

on Punahou'

popular

their

who was doing

just

what
face

gettin
your

you think,

suddenly
along,

game with

then

glistened

alright?
the

hey ...
with

Just

teachers
104

like

"
anger.
I see

when you need

"Look,"
you gettin
them

to

he said,
along,
do you a

favor.

All

this

that

novel

paper,

so

I'll

own it,

hesitated

--

why two
they;

drive.

of

Grenada

our
thirty

When we arrived,
our

way towards

seemed
they
the
taken
kept
beat,
they

to
made

smiling

asked
"What's

we were

out

of town.

a lot.

they

I could

the

I would
matter?"

Keith

not

into

just
it,

weekend.

white

friends

as

into

on its

way,

that

take

that

shouted

when I went

startin

to

I guess."
105

Greg

old

and
the

girls
the

Mike
room,

out
scene

on fear.

After
them

to

Schofield

They nodded

heat

good

Gramp's

around

bordered

few minutes.
to

Neither

to

of the

in a corner.

and we steered

of

them

away

I was willing

way out

right

to

to

find

our

a couple

be willing

"Things
just

took
see

every

that

come along.

introduced

surprise

me'

and Mike

The presence

They huddled

'excuse

me if

was well

Keith

by surprise;

leaving.

"They're

miles

They

Greg

couldn't

long

that

had dissipated,

of us piled

rattled

talk,

But

and said

three

and

party

as

refreshments.

some small

dance-floor.

agreed

the

no waves;

my friends

shouldn't

game,

the

the

make

friends

night,

after

maybe

and

and Mike both

my face."

invited

insisted,

find

for

outta

house

never

day
alright?

friends

his

I just

world,

of our argument

at

we had

best

Saturday

fuck

our

out

Keith

our

Greg

That

Barracks,

but

heat

Bitch,

one more

their

the

I invite

--

snooty
have

Is
get

the

throwing

a moment

party

could

Ford

was

for

reason

day,
that

just

ass.'

So just

suggested

Keith

black

it.

Miss

I can

white

following

Keith

yes,

if

your

and we in

party

about

engaging,

kiss

By the
and

stuff

on
had

They
to

the

maybe an hour,
home.

up."

to

let

him know

Our eyes
noise

and

met,

laughter

satisfaction
gaze,
I

Keith's

as unblinking
it,

Monday,"

he

crowd,
minutes

about

the

still
lights

baseball

field.

girl

had

turned

were

he put

he

been

there,

just

out

was

the

no traces

hand,

and

see

you

in

the

I' 11

vanished

talking

to

of

a steady

his

"Guess

then

he'd

at

once

for

black

guy and all."

taught
you

I started
him right
in

the

Kurt,

all

that

night.
to

the

just

laugh.

on the
rules.

school

my mind

few

time

the

man's

an

empty

before

court,

principal,

or
106

being

the

that

that,

the

my friends

coach,

the

towards

words

had told

must

was

be

only

of me wanted

implications.
Keith

the

he said,

how it

road

one that

up and

my shoulder,
man,"

... you

Keith's

had

its

on

A part

I had dropped

in

arm

ran

the

across

I can see

down the

stereo,

that

"You know,

parties

world,

Keith's

absolutely

stretching

Right."

we had

suffocating

If

put

reworked

a new map of the

white

trees

I mean,

We began

discussions

simplicity,

of

"Yeah.

there.

of

was

of bungalows

Greg

at

street

tremor

windows

car,

the

and relieved.

And by the
see

fading

me something.

silence,
the

the

sometimes,

to

cool;

shadows

contrite

tough

punch

the
in the

In

really

man's

and

stood

sorrow;

unwavering.
go,

for

lane,

"that

playing

of

Finally

the

flickering
tidy

looking

air

except

down the

its

There

us.

no hints

still

letting

we just

before.

empty,

begun

around

eyes,

eyes

said,

outside

and

stretch

as a snake's.

our

asking

a long

pulsing

in

grabbed

blue

and for

to

town,

day with
events
off,

frightening

of

I had
in

We were

always

me, by the

white

or

a teacher,

or

Kurt,

wanted

power

and you didn't.

like

spit

words

that

it

was

fundamental

would

you couldn't

song,

you.

At

Following
your

and

even
of

the

movement

best,

these

this

being

refuse

this

name

for

Militant.

Over
nightmare
Ellison,

of

your

defeat
that

logic,

name

Violent.

Nigger.

the

few

vision.
Hughes,

Wright,

I would

telling
sit

at

your

DuBois;

every

with
107

worst,

of
irony:
they

cage

chose
of

rage,
own

should

you

would

have

this

library,

I would
I had

Baldwin,

close

the

homework

locked

Paranoid.

corroborate

the

as

your

you.

to

by

a trap.

you could

final

humor,

chosen

knowledge

words,

any

the

coil

my grandparents

and wrestle

--

and smaller

night

and

meaning.

freely
At

from

of

you had assumed

captors,

up books

because

negligible

been

looked

decided

inclinations,

thing

could

your

preceeded

self

had

only

that

it

everything

And the

months,

I gathered

my room behind,

and then

held

the

defeat.

too,

because

a smaller

out

they
and

you

knew that

Whatever

a refuge.

the

they

yours;

had

treated

you read,

and

--

only

and lash

next

court

they

they

books

unfettered

were

meant

you,

that

black,

into

black

not

whites

be sure

things

the

motives

on the

maddening

powerlessness,

over

bad

your

own was withdrawal,

until

make,

held

if

was because

theirs.

to

because

to,

you wore,

already

they

good

be an expression

the

clothes

could,

not
it

individual

between

In fact,

decided

decision

their

they

defense,

were

power

outlast

distinction

to

the

their

face,

they

your

and desires,

do,

your

If

you spoke,

ambitions

to

in

a man or came to

the

to

to

in

to

door
do,

desparate

argument,

trying

But there

was no escaping

book,

in

taste

of defeat,

the

Bigger

Thomas

writer's

finally

forced

one to

Paris,

way in

flight,

Only
something

to

me;

the

blunt

discipline,

talk

a line
the
act

wish
of

knew that
as well
blood
wonder

book

that

the

violence
for

that
would
what

grandparents,
And too:

as

I imagined

stayed

me.
blood

that

wish

down the
recede

into

I would

be

at

some uncharted

if

Malcolm's

of

will.
was

might

mere

to

to

spoke

insistence
martial

through

the

other
to

that

to

have

he had

once

there

by

expunged.

be incidental;

its

Malcolm's

him,
be

on
in

seemed

self-respect,

when

either

possibility

of a wish

somehow

men

heels.

incidental

abstraction.

severing

their

following

never

road

but

All

himself

ran

two

self-creation

He spoke

would

to withdraw,

offer

myself

that

forced

order,

Malcolm

Langston's
the

unadorned

apocalypse,

degradation,

travelling

else

his

force

that

white

and

Malcolm,

never

sheer

to disguise
and

at

of

uncompromising

baggage

in the

acts

bitter

force,

devil
to

of every

the

of Harlem,

seemed

words,

and

still,

the

repeated

of his

devils

religious
abandoned.

call,
had,

of

bowels

men,

autobiography

through

power,

the

bitter

a new and

forged
the

safely

into

page

only

love

corrosive

back

poetry

promised

its

of my birth.

sufficient

Baldwin's

redemptive

His

I found

intellect

art's

exhausted,
X's

to

terms

in every

men,

nor

the

truth;

even

other

with

invisible

irony

different.

the

program,

and

to doubt

world

my newfound

succumbing

Malcolm

of

stuff,

the

self-contempt,

eventually

respect,

reconcile

neither

humor

an

to

I knew

my own white
I

left

was

left

to

my mother,

my

border.

discovery
108

towards

the

end

of

his

life,

that
to

some whites
offer

might

some hope

in a distant

future,

to

the

see

this

where
future,

gym

conversation

the

with

Nation

of

although

he

is,

"Yeah,"
see

desert
won't

see

me stop

"Gotta

have

"And pussy
know that

ain't

I noticed
you

laughing

what
headed

he

says."
for

the

game

at

to

strike

up

who played

died

ball

and

or political

for

of

he

had

meetings,

prayer.

us,

the

One of

he leaned

over

the
with

face.
huh.

Malcolm

tells

it

like

it

it."
guy

said.

"But

jungle

sitting

with

eatin

no ribs."

them

Don't

gonna

work."

opposite

anytime

a bunch

Malcolm

laughing

You've
Keith

I tell

you what .. you

won't

Or some goddamned

soon.

No sir.

And you

no pussy?

Now you

of Arabs.

ribs."

too.

Keith
at?

towards

had

solitary

Malcolm,

to no African

somewhere,

to mosque
in

work

he was a follower

Malcolm

overheard

on his

another

me moving

have

about

about

went

to

Malik

that

appeared
I looked

happened

man named

since

hope

After

seemed

meantime,

willing

world.

comfort

must

that

from,

mentioned

that

sought

in Islam,

In the

and

gaunt

he no longer

talkin

no doubt

Keith

but

expression

"You all

new

Malik

Islam,

nearby

a sagacious

day,

land.

come

this

a tall,

still

sitting

off

would

again.

moved to Hawaii,

guys

people

him as brothers

reconciliation,

in a far

one

us now and

beside

of eventual

populate

university

with

live

never
grabbed
rim.

talk

and looked
even
the

at him sternly.

read

Malcolm.

basketball

"I don't
109

about

need

out
no books

"What are

You don't
of

know

my hand

to tell

and

me how

to be black,"
turned

to

said

he shouted

Malik,

nothing,

over

expecting

his

A few weeks

bony

set

in

I started
of

Toot'

voice

grandfather's

deep

growl.

their

to

barely

for

answer,

But the

then
Muslim

away smile.

sound

of an argument

audible,

I opened

dressed

to

support.

a far

I awoke to the

later,

get

head.

some words

face

kitchen

bedroom

his

followed

my door

to

see

I asked

work.

in the
by

Toot

her

what

want

to

my

entering
was going

on.
"Nothing.
work

this

morning,

When I
breath.

entered

be happy

I didn't
to

grandfather

that's

have

give

not

Gramps

a cup

classes.

up early.

"That's

doesn't

of

It

take

point.

not

muttering
as

a ride

to work

was a bold

offer,

He scowled

the

was

coffee

my grandmother

morning

wake

kitchen,

himself

to

just

me to

all."

the

He poured

would

like

Your

at

She just

under

I told

him
on days
for

his

that

where

I didn't

my suggestion.
wants

me to

feel

bad,

that's

all."
"I'm

sure

that's

"Of

course

it

catching

the

bus

more convenient.
she

from

wants

to

is."

ever

Gramps.

He sipped
since

she

And now, just

change

Toots

diminutive

behind

her

"That's

it,

not

from

started
because

his
this

coffee.
job.

she gets

"She's
She said

pestered

been
it

was

a 1 i ttle,

everything."
figure

hovered

bi-focals.
true,

11

Stanley."
110

in

the

hall,

peering

at

us

took

her

into

the

other

room

and

asked

her

what

had

I was waiting

for

happened.
"A man asked
the

me for

money yesterday.

While

bus."
"That's
Her

all?"

lips

Barry.

Very

If

bus

the

pursed

with

irritation.

aggressive.
hadn't

I gave

come,

"He was very

him a dollar

think

he

aggressive,

and he kept

might

have

hit

asking.

me over

the

his

his

head."
I returned
back

turned

give

her

to

the

to me.

11

a ride.

kitchen.

Listen,

She seems

Gramps

was rinsing

Gramps,

11

I said,

pretty

upset."

"why don't

cup,
you let

me

"By a panhandler?"
"Yeah,
some big

I know ... but

man come at

He turned
big

deal.

before.

her.

around

It's

its

probably
It's

Before

a big

whispered

you

the

deal

And I just

don't

The words
regain

slumped

were

bothered

and that
into

in,

that's
like

so

scared

the

in

give
the

for

her,

deal."

he was shaking.

She's
this

real

been

"It

bothered

time?
fella

seeing

I'll

is

by men
tell

you

was black."

reason

why she's

my stomach,

and

He

bothered.

right."

a fist

me too,

a big

me the

in

In my steadiest

we should'
a chair

me.

told

of scary

not

to

she

"That's

think

my composure.

an attitude
pass,

came

word.

really

and I saw now that

You know why she's

why.

kind

but

voice,

assured

her
living
111

a ride

I told

him that
in the

room and

said

I wobbled
him that

her

fears

meantime.
he was

to
such

would
Gramps

sorry

he

had

told

I put

me.

my hand

Before

my eyes,

he grew

small

on his

shoulder

and told

that

several

and

him that

old

and very

sad.

it

was alright,

understood.
We remained
Finally
from

like

he insisted
his

seat

that

to

get

of my bed

and thought

again

again

and

into

my success.

love.

And

brothers

I
towards

me.

I
still

porch

and

and

I could

see

Frank

his

reading
hi=

watching
The old
been

I:}an bare:..y

three

years

"Want

bottle
kitchen
whiter,
off
of

drink?"

of whiskey,

jeans

then

cupboard.
dangling
with

their

He
like

They

the

I'd

seen

nodded,

hopes

doubt

their

have

hotels

stuffed

been

chair,
nose.

got

and

out
to

my

down

house,
light

I sat

with

was on,

a book

tapped

undo

and

the
the

do.-n his

in his

in the
on the

the

latch.

him

pull

car,
door.
It

had

down

the

in

the

hi=.
and

watched

for

a couple

looked

the

same,

over

his

a few more holes

easily

Inside,

search

ivy

to

recognize

roof.

up as he rose

sacrificed

fears.

to

in his

edge

lingering

bright-lit

-=.y ,.;hile

finally

dead

her

up

on the

had

me reason

rawest

slipping

since

I sat

all

silence.

and struggled

left,

men who might

sitting

loo~:ed

all,

they

given

past

then

after

poured

never

lo~-pitched

glasses

ahile,

had

that

::::t took

wobbly

lap,

had

t'iaikiki,

its

Toot

in painful

my grandparents.

inspire

Canal.

minutes,

After

They

knew

into

the

about

They

yet

drove

he drive

dressed.

for

could

for

and tied

rope.
112

of
his

clean

glass

mustache

little

heavy

upper

lip,

his

at

waist

with

a length

the

cut-

"How's

your

"He's

alright."

"So what

are

I wasn't

sure.

nodded

and poured

he said.

of

to

us each

"Naw,
doesn't

Told

me she

to

talk

became

her

mother
family

of stone.

gone

by the

back

But

long
Might

have

street.

11

seen

He

grandfather,"

apart?"

Your grandpa

don't
that

me once

about

a black

a preacher's
part

coming

he

of

in

to

look

to do somebody

was

old

though.
off

the

you that?"

would

have.

much.
girl

daughter,
the

know

my head.

Kansas

of

he

people,

tell

shaking

part

time

had to step

ever

suppose

We didn't

his

Would have

down my throat,

coming

Makes

him

they

hired

to

think

it

family.

That's

after

somebody

elses

Stan

laundry,

was.
how he
else's

a regular

... "
the

bottle,

this

me; his

eyes

were

of his

chair,

his

"You can't
man.

I was

about

girl

for

watching
the

Wichita.

a regular

this

I reached

against

near

mother,

it,

of the

happened.

your

of us lived

said,

your

remembers

cat,
miles

room.

He told

after

children,

them
whiskey

uncomfortable.
look

had

fifty

them on the

Frank

11

"Funny

up maybe

anything.

the

like

a good

a shot.

"Both

and give

I threw

some of what

know that."

course.

ve passed

wasn't

Frank

remember

sidewalk

part

I told

did.

other,

Might'

here?"

I didn't

"We sure

enough

you doing

"You know we grew

"No,

each

grandpa?"

blame

he doesn't

time

closed

him for

big

113

now,

his

wrinkled

what

know me.

pouring

he is,"
Any more

my own.
head

face

Frank

leaned

back

like

a carving

he said.

"Stan's

than

he knew that

girl

that

looked

I know him.
on the

feels
and

fall

like

house.

Frank

matter

how tired

I get,

opened

eyes.

"So you see,

At least

sake,

I wish

it

crack
utterly

open

were

to

back

here

can

their
know what

and

drink

my

in right
never

do

I have

now.
in

to

his

watch

my own survival."
your

as Stanley
to

Indians

never

sitting

way

hate.

otherwise.

grandmother's

is.

to

She understands

That's
But

right

how it

it's

not.

is.

that
For

So you

your

might

as

it."
his

to the
at

as right
a reason

I thought
back

come over
you're

for

He closed

will

something

Doesn't

chair

the

humiliated,

That's

have

walked

can

be vigilant,

use

father's

a baby.

people

asleep.

why he

or the

in that

black

get

can,

grandfather

to

be scared.

well

their

know me, not

asleep

Never.
I have

seen

That's

He can't

Hawaiians

But your

like.

Sleeping

mother.

They've

dessicrated.

whiskey

him.

your

Maybe some of these

mainland.

mother's
that

after

eyes

again,

his

about

walking

car.

The earth

any moment,

breathing
him,

then

wobbled

and I knew for

alone.

114

slowed
decided
under

the

first

as

if

he were

against
my feet,
time

it

and

ready
that

to

I was

Chapter

cf-~~~~

~~

~-k

:C~w,'lV

Three
wind

o'clock

rustling

speed

through

paired

off

new lady's

the

voice

like

in deep,

don't
of us

warbling

the

growl

The revelers

or alone,

two

The moon-washed

trees,

road.

place

now just

morning.

the

down a distant

now,

her

in the

to

through

a car

would

beer-heavy

stay

up,

he had

wait

for

the

the

of

picking

sleep;
said

room,

empty,

be tucked

up

away by

Hasan

with

sunrise,

darkened

streets

at

his

a wink.

Lady

And

~ay and me,

reaching

towards

me

a lover.
[Lyrics]
I poured

the

bowls

bottles

myself

of

like

pretzel

had

Everybody

except

she'd

And then

Sarah,
thou

stuff
the

her

I thought
attitude

didn't

count

Sarah.

for

had kept

against

left?

about

her

fate

of the
on her

to myself.

know me.

and

hadn't

she

that

wall.

on Barry

grandma

and

ruy eyes

Great

party.

Hasan

to

You always

think

all
with

you-let-me-down
understand

her
her
look

where

empty

That's

what

the

house.

about
was

as if

life.

you.

somehow
it

was me

To hell

and her
in

the

it's

race;

room:

What was it

Like

black

knees

the

rock

herself.

grandmother.
entire

over

ashtrays,

enj eyed

To hell

She didn't

wander

overflowing
the

Sarah

before

that

responsible
that

said:

said

and let

crumbs,

a skyline

everybody

that

a drink

her

with

holier-thaneyes.

I was coming

She
from.

(Lyrics]
I
match

fell
burn

back

on the

down until

it

couch
reached

and

lit

a cigarette,

my fingertips,

1.

watching
feeling

the

the
prick

on the

skin

as I pinched

asks.

The trick

where

I'd

heard

forgotten

did

about,
set

the

he'd
a

books

mess

aside,

responsibility.
not

to

I tried

lost

to

wasn't

of

somebody

else

school

to

worry

had

been
I had

my father

and

to untangle
Not

Sorry.

about

And

and

of trying

my making.

knew the

somewhere

I had grown tired

like

of hers.

high

writing

man

remember

Holiday

college

stopped

to

voice

in

the

me now,

Billie

years

trick?

it.

I would

my

learn

care.

I blew
and

was

junior

I'd

the

hurts.

trembling

two

to

back.

Let

it

torn-up,

off

decided

it

What's

I thought.

after

writing

that

but

my last

went

dead.

that

line,

what

Keith

stopped

caring

was in that

that's

after

flame

No matter,

it

I,

not

the

face.

same trick;
so

is

the

a smoke-ring,

booze;

maybe

remembering

little

blow

those

years.

you

could

when

Pot had helped,

afford

it.

Not

o+-<l'J.,.t,1.A-been ~ust
a
~ ~

smack,

though

--

little

too

could

do it

where

he worked,

eager

cold

--

more

than

twenty
from

there,

surrounded

round
heart

like
...

the

image

needle

and

by big
popped

a pearl,

like
.

into

rolling

face
the

slabs

had

that.

and

of salami

my head,

of

through

look

shiny

and roast

beef,
bubble,

my vien

deli

have

been

he was

and tight.
at

air

the

like

I looked

an

me he

Maybe he was

1~J..,,
J:.ouldn't

freezer

But he didn't

hose,

day at

engine.

was sweating,

quietly

He told

up that

a faulty

in a meat

in there.
His

with

when I showed

stan d ing

cold.

initiator,

go through

but

degrees

the

out

an

me to

he was shaking

we were

pulled

then

for

my potential

blindfolded,

just

shaking

Johnny,

He

him standing
and right
shiny

and stopping

and
my

Junkie.
fatal

role

hadn't

of

been
Not

was.

mind,

the

about

blur

that,

the

new van,

down at

had dropped

out

their

looking

time

whether

your

be bored,
disaffection:

getting

And if
you

friends
take

it

how it

that
or
didn't

the

carrying,

could

least
moralism,

you'd

met

kids

who

most

asked

that

club

rich

and poor
it

you

see

and laugh

just
called

and

was

of
you

You might

into

help

make

and spent

whatever

my

classmate's

Nobody

yellow;

of

didn't

of Hawaiian

brawl.

solve

at

it

white

school

was welcome

didn't

out

the

of my. heart,

or unemployed.

brown,

high

race

just

some brother

public
to

for

that

in the

highs

a down brother

of

a couple

excuse

and cheap

seemed

I saw how fates

soft

with

the

final,

in-

that

was

through
at the

the

world's

folly.

difference
how

the

down,

That's
before

an

white,

and bullshit

on-going

beach

Except

landscape

dorm room of

Everybody

black,

hypocrisy

the

was an executive

alone.

the

reefer

the

drugs

I had discovered

of some broken-down
for

to

questions
out

headed,

what

looking

flatten

in

man.

prove

push

you ~moked

or

father

or

between.

could

gym, or on the

the

to

I was

could

whether

I had been
black

me trying

of my memory.

difference

sparkling

would-be

that

that

edges

where

anyway.

something
something

That's

young

by then,

opposite,

any

Pot-head.

color

hard

the

have

they

were
and

got

It

had

beginning

taken

to

play

money made after

landing

to deal

same chances
if

then.

to get
expelled

the

when

you

drugs

they

what

they

or hauled

a couple
themselves

all,

in

finally

needed.
before

If

years

out,

the

who survived,

fell.

consumed,

of

~.

The

didn't
they

a judge,

rich

have
got
they

to

caught
could

'.

always

count

on boarding

school

somewhere,

in the

family

business,

a second

or third

poor,

they

usually

Although
had

either

lacked,

with

nothing

Paul,

not

winding
car

kept

way,

you needed

not

having

better

to

do than

finding

up in

his

his

chance.

a place

Friends

farm.

some luck.

driver's

to

way back

a happy

program,

who were

on falling.

mostly,

check

from

or

license
the

too

Billy,

That's

not

Bobby

day,

a cop

that

trunk

many

what

of

bad

his

car.

acid

walking

Or

trips

away

and

from

the

wreck
I tried

luck

in

work

to

the

my senior

to

just

a fancy

world,
year

patted

about

stupid.

It

of those

trick

you

curteous

to
the

find

little

wheel.

she

arrest.

and

It

was back

I gave

told

her

was usually

I had learned:
and

satisfied;

they

not

to

people

once,

was at
in

young

black

her

her

a reassuring

worry,

such

tactic,

of
of

field

demanding
smile

wouldn't

do

another

one

satisfied

so long

moves.

They

a pleasant

man who didn't

role
start

my room,

were

relieved,

the

Hawaii,

and made no sudden

were

the

into

an effective

that

smiled

a well-mannered

as

were

surprise

seem

angry

all

time.
Except

the

school;

Bobby's

anything

than

of the

to my mother

and one day she had marched

hand

more

spin

high

her

were

some of this

the

in

completed,

know more

and

explain

blood

my mother
draining

casual
"What
nyou

hadn't

from

about

her

your

looked
face.

future?"

satisfied.
"Don't
she

She had shuddered,

you think

you're

being

said.

do you mean?"
know exactly

what

I mean.

Your

friend

just

got

arrested

for

drug

started
you

possession.
on your

about

it

I started

going

away for

to

see

in

around

at

her

a heresy

to

herself,

puncturing

that

with

of life.

suddenly
worried

to

head?
The
it

wasn't

stay

before

country,

she

about
taking

said,

like?

that's

like

some good-time

not

classes

and

I could

I just

Effort?

what

maybe

finish.

if

to

I was flunking

thinking

I could

talk

bother."

like

in Hawaii,

me off

shook

that

she

insisted

Gramps

put

in

Damn it,

Bar,

waiting

for

Charley,

Anyway,
comparison

and Toot,

look

to
at

to

to

her

quickly.

I'll

let

catch

her

fear.

end up like
"You' re

felt
her

I laughed.

He didn't

"Is

luck

know that

what

some idea

her

on

I suddenly

Maybe that's
up to

of

responsibility

to me.

Gramps.

greatest

"That

depended

of shouting,

live

seemed

I asked.
head

hers,

why not?

got

so certain

on assigning

Instead

on me, her

so earnest,

my survival

of

Well,
I've

her

idea

failed.

huh?

dawned

there,

certainty

Who says

about?"
She

her;

me had

Charley,

college."

It

big

to

A loafer."

The

to

your

this.

sitting

destiny.

good-time
out

sit

Charley.

experiment

all

the

"A good-time

somewhere,
like

in

what?"

remained

great

She cut

"A good-time

son's

this

I try

even

you through."

I looked
her

just

I could

You haven't

Whenever

how I had been

"Remember

just

slipping.

I'm

her

college;

effort.

you can't

luck

to hear

school

are

applications.

to tell

any

grades

like

part-time.

into

little

act

need

out.

get

college

you

I didn't

working

Your

by
that

"A
I want

you've
even

surprise,
what

got
go

to
and

you're

Gramps?"

already

much

better

educated

than

your

finally

drained

stood

up and left

grandfather,"

from

her

the

she

voice.

said.

But the

Instead

certainty

of pushing

the

had

point,

room ..
~~

I opened

my eyes

singing~e

stopped
couch

and

myself

their

toilet,

probably,
booze

the

and drugs,

suppose,
her

is

faith

couldn't
help

wasn't

sound,
what
in

I'd

justice

plug

change

its

up the

Still,
mother

in

afterwards;

her

sleeve,

she

told

me once.

like

the

"A

healthy

come

to

"Slipped
0-+-

of

was built

pass.

joke
I

it

:r:

and

cat

dose

We could

about

feigned

guilt
on,

about

it

graduated

was

without

problem

baby

I
that
we

couldn't
power

to

one trick
make

my

me feel
help

it,"

food."

Sh:L_grinned

worry,"

underrated

mishap,

stop

that

you the

anybody.

her

with

day:

world

to

"Don't

for

that

"You can't

A highly

by then,

insomniac,

couldn't

was the

ability

hurt

flushing

And that,

the

or give

alarm.

glass,

misplaced,

in

your

never
guilt.

they

either.

into

the

someone

my mother

that

it,

up from
the

emptiness.

the

had

in

was the

point

universe,

bad

She made no bones

civilization

the

felt
up

That

tell

Billie

Another

education

course.

guilty.

Chesere

to

the

left

hear

certain

mindless

had

by.

rationality

all

holes

I had

always

and
that

blind,

trying

I got

room.

At a certain
of

ceiling.

was

I could

tick

sound

been

what

the

life

it?

the

overcome,

drank

across

to his

the

oppressive.

Upstairs,

walking

listening

at

felt

record,

another.

ticking

loo~up

silence

flipped

poured

that

and

she
It's

said_,
what

emotion."

worst

fears

was

accepted

hadn't
into

several

respectable

Angeles,

after

vacationing
through

schools,
meeting

in Hawaii
the

motions,

everything

settling
a

with

on Occidental

girl
her

from

else.

Brentwood

family.

as indifferent
had

college

stabilized,

in Los

while

she

But I was still

towards

My condition

College,

just

was
going

as towards

but

I was

most

far

from

cured.
Even
than

Frank

clear

thought

about

An advanced

last

I had seen

We had
the

made

corns

trying
me what

small

force
it

I didn't

You're
know is

And the

that

that

people

college

years

for

your

happy

to

you

in there

real

price

of

"What's
"Leaving
people

behind."

"Understand

rest

old

his

the

is

who are

get

the

they

result

won't

cats

I told

him

You don't

out

here.

suppose

All
to

who fought

--

tell

of

he asked

it?

you're

college

feet,

head.

know better,

go to

the

Hawaii.

Finally

isn't

young

to

his

a direct

hoary

thing

to

I left

of college.

big,

next

to
that

out

called

back

about

shoes.

problem,

enough

right

before

were

of these

Frank

I thought

European
to

"that's

those

see

into

he was less

had

he complained

shook

the

What

he insisted

I expected

like

it.

a few days

awhile;

feet

said,

just

poet,

for

He wearily
he

change

although

in compromise.

old

spurs

was that

"Well,"

you

the

African

know.

know.

degree

talk

and bone

to

a bad attitude,

how I should

college?
time

I had

they're

you

the

do.
all

just
truth.

so
The

admission."
that?"
your

race

at

He studied
something,

boy.

the

door,"

me over
You're

the

he
top

not

said.

"Leaving

of his
going

reading
to

college

your

glasses.
to

get

educated.
what

you don't

don't
is

You're

need.

what

American
and

tell

way and all

that

you

your

race.

then

they'll

to

to

is

slumped,

"No ... I didn't

say

keep

I smiled
Black

Power,

mother,

as

that

certain

start

office
to

things,

and

you may be a

just

That

the

a credit

you know that

a nigger

it

start
and

running

and

self.

as

the

same."

I shouldn't

faith,

be

Not

The

In the
were

his

way in,

in America.
freeway

in

already

to

fall

eyes

same
open,

sunny

students
of

with

I'm

just

1979,

Carter

way out.

Beach

campus,
or

Sixties

over

old
as my
time-

he had warned.

L.A.

were

When you left

and his

incurable

a few miles

on their

Venice

go.

on Frank

the

in

campus,

spanish-tiled.

the

to

chair

awake."
back

living

sounded.

breast-beating

on

got

Stay

Keep your

Occidental's

morning

open.

in his

In some ways he was as

it

encouraging.

back

You've

thinking

had created.

easy

and he fell

eyes

in his

through

car,

what

you'll

you're

me, Frank?

that.

and

your

forget

you a corner

you

but you're

so they

opportunity

give

and let

darkness,

dashiki

as

tree-lined

your

in the

Hawaii

wasn't

teachers

equal

actually

telling

words

you to

and tell

nigger,

shoulders

you to

strolled

about

chain

you to want

you so good,

They'll

to

you're

train

train

shit.

want

train

college?"

a sigh.

It

it

They'll
They'll

on your

They'll

you to manipulate

dinners,

well-paid

Frank's

telling

you

yank

"So what

train

you,

fancy

Until

well-trained,

going

know.

they

invite

trained.

anymore.

you already

believing

to get
They'll

mean anything

that

warp

there

Not

from

as

Pasadena,

friendly,
and

the

gas-lines

Reagan

was

you drove
to

you

on
in

Westwood,

passing

East

more palm
walls.

trees
L.A.

you saw.
cut

to

of

chose

all

most

hear

and

other
of

classes.

to

find

knowing

over
from

the

high

Hawaii,

not

a black

that

us tired

to

to

thinking

barber

tribe,

it,

just

concrete
the

part

who could

came to

white

the

kids

stumbled

the

well-kept

about
it

about

guess

race

all

because

it,

than

easier

whatever

it

I'd

us.

that

that

was that

white

the
seemed

Trying
about
that
if

to

black
most

of

we preferred

was the

spending

had with

Surviving

secret

time;

many

in the

worries

in revolt;

the

was mainly

our

on

together,

graduation.

interested

out

grumblings,

around

after

us

living

same

gig

of us weren't

hanging

that

though,

seem

of

close

sessions

Hawaii,

upon

enough

when I was still

Otherwise,
the

Oxy didn't

staying

of bull
in

at

were

a well-paying

ourselves

to

students
There

year,

back

from

to keep

sorts

complaints.

of thinking

or trying

like

same

blacks

most

black

and when it

Freshman

the

I had

laid.

other

compromise.

function

Finding

stop

even

dandelions

different

a tribe,

to

I'd

list

about

of the

in packs.

people:

that

about

indistinguishable

get

like

without

and easier

constitute

travelling
dorms,

Central

out

bigger,

worried

campus

same

wasn't

was,

that

Keith

South

hair.

As it

us

or

peeking

Just

your

all

L.A.

easiest

way

all

your

time

mad

folks

were

thinking

you.
So why couldn't
I

don't

certainty
revolutionary

know.

of the
act.

tribe.

I let
I

it

go?

didn't

have

the

1 uxury,

Grow up in Compton
You get

to

college

2.

and

suppose,

and survival
your

family

the

becomes
is

still

back

there

there's

rooting

no question

or Watts,
inner

doubt.

price

you.

or Marin

happy

to

But I hadn't

I had nothing

I was more

of

They' re

of betrayal.

or Harlem.

in Westchester
the

for

like

to

the

County,

kids

You could

spot

who they

sat

in

they

talked,

with

they

would

sputter

that

they

weren't

defined

Joyce.

She was a good-looking

and explain

that

by the

up in Compton,
except

my own

cafeteria.

they

refused

grown

had already

right

the

color

escape;

who had

parents

them

you

from,

students

who's

escape.

grown

escape

black

see

away,

up

paid

by the

way

When pressed,
to be categorized,

of their

skin.

They

were

individuals.
Like
green

eyes

dorm,

so

and
one

Student's

day

shaking

on the

her

not

asked

pouty

her

head,

lips.

if

meeting.

black,"

started

telling

was the

sweetest

be part

African

something

she
She

like

me.

"It's

not
that
it's

Joyce

me about

and part

with

We lived
was

going

looked

at

a baby who doesn't

white

the

"I'm

father,

who happened

world;

French

cracked,

people

but

black

said.

"Why should

Her voice

way,

her

man in the

else.

asked

They're

and

Joyce,

in
to

me
want

those

the

same

the

Black

funny,

then

what

it

sees

spoon.
"I'm

No,

skin

Association

started

be

honey

woman,

now they're

people

one's

who are

and her
and part

I have
and

choose

I thought

willing
have

me choose.

she

to

American
between

and

Maybe
me like

make

everything
the

ones

to

and part
them?"

was going

treat

They're

she

who happened

me choose.
to

Then

to be Italian

mother,
Native

to

making

who always

making

multi-racial."

to
it

she
cry.

use

to

a person.
racial.
that

are

telling

me that
They,

I can't

they,

They

Joyce.
good,

they.

talked

until

you
wasn't

a matter

of gravitational
way

culture,

not

neutral

and

culture

had
take

lumped

become

only

happy,

faceless

purse,

speak

are

past

what

less

of

their

day

--

to

but

the

losers

and

us or the

just

always

worked,

--

have

Only white

and the

have

crowd,

never

so

have

although

that's

We

America's
outraged

as

clutches

fact
put

to

what

Brothers

somehow been

Why

too?

elevator

by the

a Brooks

college

to ourselves,

coloreds

wearing

be

non-racial,

bossom.

in the

bothered

dominant
could

be

we don't

we're

fortunate

the

culture

woman in the

we're

and yet

its

black

necessarily,

could

if

market;

English

avoiding

and think

ourselves

we're

real

half-breeds

lose

because

sounded

white

into

situation

lives

it

into

culture

exotic

the

so much because

impeccable

ordinary

Jack

drives

single

ourselves

in with

consumer

not

indignities
every

of the

like

way integration

white

And we,

so grateful

when a cabbie

choice,

Only

occasional

people

meant

way around.
Only

a survey

we get

usually

the

with
and

assimilated

individuals.

should

her

the

problem

minority

objective.

to adopt

it

pull,

other

the

of concious

The

the

willing

degreed,

that

a matter

street.

was

multi-culturalism

noticed

It

one

That

about

people.

be who I am ... "

mistaken

that

such

up with
we tell
suit
for

and
an

nigger.

Don't

you

know who I am?

I sat

up,

lit

Daniels

into

myself
my glass.

I'm

another

an individual!

cigarette,

emptied

I knew I was being

11

too

the
hard

bottle

of

on poor

Joyce.

The truth

black

kids

speech,

who felt

their

credentials

myself,

myself

person,

being

had

to

that

choose

mostly,

active

students.

black

Marxist

professors

punk-rock,

made

the

me question

more

card

their

pieces

of

my own

racial

lurking

in the

still

distance

wasn't

other

mannerisms,

on recognizing

hole

and all

their

between

compromised,

in

the

Eurocentrism

into

carpet,

resisting

weren't

indifferent

Joyce,

adopted

them

and

was

that

a language

though,

thousands
tenured
which

of

larger,

our

didn't
the

so-called
and

happily

side

you

or

insecure.

distance

I wanted.

radical

intellectuals,

on,

No,
to

and

and

wore

translate

out

our

our
At
Fanon,

cigarettes

an ear-piercing

in
pitch,

constraints.
We were

all,

most
remained
loyalty

We

alienated.

from~~

After

show your

feminists

Franz

distance

it

the

a vanguard.

stifling

enough

tolerated.

could

neocolonialism,

society's

provided

were

politically

cigarettes

a politic,

at

and

The Chicanos,

that

stereo's

or careless

not

The more

When we ground

white

Misfits

students.

we discussed

or set

a wanna-be

carefully.

We smoked

bourgeouis

strategy

for

Jews and structural

something

dorms,

we were

friends

poets.

and patriarchy.

hallway

This

my

The foreign

and

turmoil

night,

a sell-out,

and East-coast

jackets

personal

for

in one way or another.

performance

leather

prove

kept

put

mistaken

malcontents,

and

to

in

her

awake.
To avoid

the

Keith's

I needed

convince

indeed

again,

her,

did;

It

me.

over

of my mind.

way she
hearts,

scared

all

I understood

the

mixed-up

That

myself.

back

was that

like
there

of

them

necessary
to

the

were
white
to
black

masses,

to

strike

out

and name names.

Earl.

That's

Ricky

and

wasn't

it?

You figured

hadn't

quite

worked

I tried
Ricky

and

pane.
his

to

the

his

neighborhood.
pulled

his

gets

these

long

the

head.

you

local

was

always

made

eagle
let
off,

was the

pure,

his

me feel

no matter

what

you,

that's

just

how I was
authentic

guys,"

Tim said,

and dark
in

at

black

that

in

man ... "

T-shirt

te;

and

the

one

moment,

step

his

working

as

member
joint.

that
an

He

about

while

for

like

experience,

That's

a founding

and

be

em

of brothers.

Garveyi

friends

always

though.

in a black

alone

off-balance,

he

One of

a white

the
kids

me,"

in a white

car.

conscious

clear;

would

stop

and straight-backed,

who had been

feeling

on his

fear

window
us about

I was walking

seeing

his

to

em scare

most

loyalties

I did,

it

room,

the

was telling

the

her

about

a little

who,

Only

against

against

grandfather

sister

rain

except

comfortable

Party;

about,

in Ricky's

had no reason

apart,

older

Tim and

been

stripes.

of us

and Earl

"They

who had raised

his

with

had

your

of

lean

his

time

episode

three

patter

"No reason

about

Panther

lineage

the

the

the

Earl

Louis

about

pronounce

scene:

as he spoke,

braced

that

way you planned.

You can't

Earl

in St.

a nurse;

earning

L.A.P.D.

overalls.

tell

mother

were

storm-troopers

legs

blue-denim
could

whole

a few beers

piece.

I watched
his

the

that

Made me spread

out

what

the

drinking

with

shaking

out

and myself,

We were

said,

you

recall

Earl

run-in

what

Like

of
His

reason

older

he

brother

ahead.

listening

And
to

when Tim walked

him
into

room.
"Hey

waving

il

cheerfully.

He turned

to

me.

"Listen,

Barry,

do you have

Tim was not

pressed

jeans

in his
and

like

His white

to

I wanted

nothing

more

him down the

he needed.
obliged

As soon

to

explain.

"Tim's

a trip,

should

change
Ricky

that,

his

Beaver

as

isn't

he.

but

to

to my room,
back

to

Earl

waiting

for

gave

I got

him the

room,

my head,

him up

as a clam,

go away.

Ricky's

I shook

11

to major

He was happy

him

and

up,

assignment

I somehow

incredulous.

felt

"Boy

Tom."

didn't.

Earl

said,

"Why you

say

man?"
question

know ... the

caught

dude's

Earl

took

seems

just

a sip

Don't

goofy,

to

about

whether

judgment

on how other
now

me,"

could

Ricky

that.

But he had

In

that

burn

at

Tim,

you in a lie.
the

fact,

lie
that

he

whole,

seems

suppose
with

to

the
Earl

Two lies,
telling
year
14

11

I don't

eye.

about

his

me we should

to

instead

be

of passing

act."
memory,

calling

right

in the

going

together,

been

first

"He's

It

moment,

you were

me straight

said.

are

I felt

caught

and looked

our own stuff's

folks

I stammered,

all."

nobody.

resentment
like

that's

beer

bother

worrying

Even

me by surprise.

of his

alright

business.

about

for

name from Tim to

chuckled,

The

had

Mac.

sweaters

He planned

was probably

than

I got

Econ?"
argyle

Cleaver.

Fleetwood

hall

for

Tim wore

girlfriend

listening

with

assignment

brother.

room,

walked

"Tim

a conscious

and talked

in business.

that

to

really
about
seemed

me out
do it,

--

the

the

anger
in

hadn't
lie

and

front

of

he?

He

you had told

yourself.
like

one

long

lie,

me

spending

all

my energy

running

my tracks.

Except

with

Sarah.

first

me to

Sarah,

the

drawn

have

to

lie.

Even that

she had walked

sweating
Earl

me about

had waved
"Sister

trying

to

Earl

stop

"See

there,"

just

being

seen

stuff

will
for

"Talk

to

this

Sarah
the

door.

"It

a racist

them
blew

"Because
on.

is

the

on her

"And because

into

coffee.

"

of
her,

a chair.

racist

you?

I'm

tracts

he's

evidence

for

hands.

telling

at

his

pecked

I think

watch.

Sarah

he can

folks

man,

on the

--

this
I'm

cheek.

be saved."

Earl

stride

out

I see."

"Actually,

The way Conrad

it

"Damn,

still

moods,

my backpack.

black

you,

as we watched

preaching

don't

he's

sees

it,

are

savages,

you

reading

right,"
Africa's
and

any

infection."

assigned."
--

and

head

book.
world,

breds

it's

over

her

day

middle

don't

of his

I'm

He looked

one of his

book

of

with
Sarah

in

the

cess-pool

contact

and shook

out

you embarrassed,

this.

you?

the

around."

like

will

had

Spotting

of Darkness,
out

cover

I didn't

in the

pull

this

it

"Makes

mind."

brother,

about

snatch

said.
a book

Earl

to

of Heart

thing

He leaned

"Earl's

I said.

to

that

talked,

"You know Barack,

here

things

material.

slightly

said.

to

like

we really

reading

rising

that

your

smiled

I tossed

the

with

class."

and found

over

Earl

poison

shop
of

of

trying

made me feel

coffee

up a copy

waving

one

that

Barack

held

was

time

Earl

I reached

"Man,

That

circles,

first

over,

Brother

in

way she

my choice

her

tell

court.

late

the

Sarah,"

reading."
the

into

around

"So why are

I paused,

not

sure

if

it?"
I should

go

"Because
"And
white

--

"

because

people,
not

It's

about

the

looking

at

life.

what's

said,

about

teaches

See,

black

the

If

It's
The

left

what

it

is

that

The way ideas

demons.

helps

me understand
"And that's

important

to

makes

can

how people

the

read

to

I thought

to myself.

that.

I just

smiled

and said,

"That's

She
around

smiled

before,

big,

dark

homemade,

back

and

usually

sitting

with
I

events,

didn't

slightly

knew

she

tinted

was

go out

"What did

on her
in the

afraid.

cruel.

It

But I didn't
the

only

glasses

tell

way to

cure

call

you just

now?

your

name was Barry."

I had

seen

a book

in hand,

dresses

and a scarf

stirred

Earl

with

and

helped

She

coffee.

library

stockings

a junior,
much.

me

it."

sipped

woman who wore

head.

asked,

Diagnose

help

so

and

in

you."

on it,

right?

~
way of

there,

to

people

it.

hate."

depends

an illness,

Africa.

all
it

twisted

My life
Sarah

about
it's

white

become

learn

about

It's

"About

man who wrote

distance,
So

said.

really

American.

unsaid.

" I

not

about

you can keep your

what's
just

me things,
book's

people.

]:!uropean.

Their

book

I mean.

It's

understand

the

that
always

organize
her

looked
over

black

coffee

Some African

her

idly.
name,

her

student
She
wasn't

it?"
"Barack."
"I

thought

"Barack's
"Does

it

my given

name.

mean something?"

My father's

name.

He was Kenyan."

"It

means

She

'blessed.'

repeated

"Barack.

It's

"So why does

the

everybody

He probably
--

could

used

him

She

tilted

spending

the

She told

me about

struggling

mother,
in

if

eyes

the

sound.

across

the

table.

when

it

he

idea

got

in

or somebody

was easier
it

arrived

to

passed

the

else's.

pronounce.
on to

You

me . so

out

spent

in the

kitchen

stew

of voices

on the

stoop,

and

men playing
that

her

talking

Side

six-flat

hot

in

about

to

the

on Sunday.
uncles

its

cards
image

girls
and

lovers

filled

summer

that

past

told

the

She told

mock
up

coffee.
father

and

seemed

warm

people

took

me about

taverns

and

me about

the
pool

evenings

and grandparents,

Her voice
songs

evoked
in

in braids

playing

kissing

under

me with
17

absent
never

of

in

We ended

that

and cousins

possibility,

little

the

She

up in laughter.

set

and drinking

sleep.

walking

mouth

laughter.

in Chicago,

lake

church

right."

to

just

so

with

all

stories

a promise,

got

bubbling
in

surrender

South

by the

way to

life

to

block,

it

impatiently,

childhood

and

on her

as you say

together,

the

winter

you Barack?"

head

her

on the

Like

it

was his

Then

long

ready

halls

old

used

that

in.

as

afternoon

blankets

black

forward

out

you Barry?"

I call

her

her

of

leaned

because

fit

"Not

offense,

neighbors

She

testing

in."

I smiled.

their

herself,

My father

'Barry'

"Do you mind

enough

to

know whether

helped

fit

call

I guess.

I don't

know

name

beautiful."

"Habit,
States.

In Arabic.

longing.

the

the
a vision

choir

double-dutch
a light-post.

and

And it
definite

was that

history,

longing

that

getting

up

to

started

to

laugh,

I had,

I had

leave,

that
a

a place,

for

in mind

when I told

envied

her.

round,

for

fulsome

She

laughter,

a fixed

and

her,

as

we were

looked

at

me and

from

deep

in

her

belly.
"What's
"Oh,

so funny?"
Barack,"

something?

she

And here

said,

catching

I was all

this

her
time,

"Isn't

breath.
wishing

I'd

life

grown

up in

Hawaii."

Funny,
it

only

you

seemed

feel

your

that

cast

like

a long

but

back

a word,

conversation

could

way in retrospect.

differently,

mind

shape:

how a single

for

A year

not

something

a glance,

absence,

you're

sure

that

a touch.

I somehow

change
passes

what

might

or

give

I know that

felt

my voice

you.

or maybe

and you know

why or

that
after

how,

so

difference
what

returning

to

seemed
me that

o.(l"UA.~

afternoo~

It

remained

shaky

my doubt.

But

afterwards,

subject

to

distortion,

the

static

growing

of
stronger,

a bridge
In
active
-

between
fact,
in the

I doubted

Africans,

it

was

closer

constant,

that

honest

time

campaign.

difference
the

sophomore

year

felt

it

portion

of myself,

started

to

skeptical

at

and my past.

around

divestment

distrusted

passed

the

my future

what

to problems
months

sturdier,

enterring

I had been

we could
motives

that

of

make
students

to

home.

But eventually

I found

myself

drawn

into

to

the

lives

who seemed
I relented,

a larger

role,

become
first

of

South

oblivious
and as the
introducing

~[,VV~

a representative
to the
that

faculty,
had

them

words

not

support

to

an

idea.

that

it

that

when we started

be ready,

before

hand

remarks,

in

middle

A bit

of

in

activists

in

script.
say,

--

South

days

South

own place
I

was

in

agenda

to

had

happened;

in

transform.

the
the
still

lives

to

I could

of ghetto

thing

where

it

come up of

drag

the

situation

it

for

plan
for

find

six

became

a way to prove

my father's
that

the

what

somehow

day,
the

everything

on the

me away.

helped

more than

just

carefully

and

had

face

What

a few opening

would

remember

words
kids

been

make

my mind

meant

right

for

rally.

a few notes

on Joella's

If

With the

to

score,

something

to

had

dramatize

prepare

look

rally

people

the

uniforms,

I knew the

the

a message,

the

Andy and Jonathan

down to

class,

words,

I open the

up to

I sat

to myself.

Africa,

reach

when

to Ms. Hefty's

I thought

I could

suppose

than just
a two minutes
speech,
~-<AIZ.
my -porei~a-l
correctness.
I started

words

planning
that

paramilitary

Africa.

for

were

me.

I was only

a way

they

carry

suggested

The

of which

I noticed

that

could

leading

more

of his

that

fail

feeling?

theatre,

Only,

might

the

their

street

that

wouldn't

been

arranged

dressed

words

letters

strategy.

made me hungry

So that

I had

stage,

discovery

and somebody

drafting

my opinions,

but

remember

the

to

behind,

my voice
to

Congress,

and arguing

listen
That

I would

I tried
was

to

meeting,

I knew

counted;

begun

hide

National

up fliers

seriously.

trustee's

off,

African

printing

people

taking

the

of the

visit
the

power

right

words,

could

change:

o'clock

news,

my

world.
in

that

trance-like

state

when

mounted

the

stage.

I stood

hundred

restless

frisbee

on the

break

off

there,
after

the

the

say,

"It's

happening
each

and

Whether

we want

sides.

Not

a harder

and servitude.
and

black
choice

it

like

cheering,
made.
their

it

and
I took

hands

act

They
like

right

was quiet

now,

-the

others

I knew that

had

the

them,

mike,

looking
yanking

that

ready

me from behind.

I was trying

and I

to break

free,

it

or

not.

we choose

rich

and poor.

between

Between

dignity

commitment

watching

me.

Somebody

somebody

else

shouted.

started

in,

the
to

It

connection

plunge
was just

grim-faced
me off

that

and wrong . "

is.

started

barely

struggle

demands

a choice

Barack,

grabbing

to

a cue,

up,

we know

and injustice.

between

Then

Not between

. It's

that

fairness

of

looked

that

it,

hold

for

my voice

it's

Whether

Go on with

Andy and Jonathan

glasses.

us.

A struggle

than

The crowd

clap.

But

and white.

I stopped.
to

ready

waiting

said,

the

on!"

away.

of

not.

A choice

Tell

to

one

indifference.

started

it,

or

Between

throwing

side,

A few people

going

ocean

every

between

the

a couple

stopped.
an

it

were

to

of

quiet.

a struggle

players

touches

to

crowd

Without

on,"

few rows.

voices

there's

The frisbee

going

first

other

off

at any moment.

struggle

the

students

standing

~he microphone.

for

No, it's

others

up to

beyond

"I

A few

library

in my eyes,

lunch.

lawn;

"There's

waited

sun

to the

I stepped

carrying

the

and pale
the

stage,

except

on,
like
behind

clapping,
had
when

been

I felt

we planned
their

dark

and I was suppose

a part

of me wasn't

----------------

acting,

I really

off

the

crowd

had

so much left

wanted

the

to

mike,

in

had

issue

his

testified,
college,

the

shame
that

oppression.

I should

felt,

paid

for
have

knowing

that

she

was

proud

listening

anymore.

I was on the

well-fed

bands

amateurs

that

and hand-painted

players

had

arrive

for

walls

of the

old

white

in

our

myself;

minute

a
oration

At the

to
The

rally,

the

school
--

party

of

whole

banners,
play

young

faces.

us,

one old
a

the

and

her

at

of

an

profits

of

they

were

biggest

farce

of all.

that

night,

Sarah

came up to

the

sleek
arm-

began
the

geezer

even
I

to

glass

and I noticed

A pleasant

the

judging,

The frisbee

behind

farce,

parents.

really

chiffon

trustees

paused

everything.

without

like

black

was

up

a part

the

our

to watch

thing

got

watching,

When the

themselves,

on the

seeing

appeared

them

building

men chuckling

diversion,

a few

what

But I wasn't

again,

with

game.

administration

the

outside

and

two of them;

was moved.

and earnest

t~.their

direction.

of the

we were,

meeting,

with

we suddenly

signs

returned
their

crowd

my eyes,

Sarah
in

been

dark

audience

Then

privilege

up

waffling

felt

tell

and

stepped

and

the

had

you could

Through

to

family

its

the

lean

administration's

her

eloquent,

skeptical.

bouncing

in applause.

as Earl

denims,

unacceptable.

pride
she

institution

and

side

He explained

was

the

on the

T-shirt

why the

Africa

about

my voice

to me in cheers,

I stood

white

witnessed,

South

to hear

say.

and righteous.

just

of

up there,

back

was over.

straight-backed
they

to stay

and returning

But my part
to

-------

--

the
waving

thought

to

afternoon

And me and

me and offered

one

her

congratulations.
"For

I asked

that

wonderful

I popped

if

want

she

said.

to

hear

for.

speech

a beer.
to

seemed

effective,"
people

open
~

Sarah

what

that

"It

ignore

you gave."

was short,

anyway."

my sarcasm.

"You spoke
more.

"That's

from the

When they

what

heart,

pulled

made

Barack.

you

it

It

away,

it

so
made

was

as

II

"Listen,
sweet

Sarah,"

lady.

I said,

And I'm happy

But that's

the

me.

I'm

I've

decided

last

going

to
I've

time

"And why is

her

you enjoyed
you will

leave
got

cutting

the

"You are

my little

ever

hear

preaching

no business

off.

to

performance
another

you.

speaking

a very

speech

And to

for

today.

black

out

of

Earl.

Me,

folks."

:ce::
-~&-:

that?"

I
front

sipped
of

on my beer,

us.

.-bel~

"Because

I don't

my eyes

I've

got

wandering
nothing

over

to

the

say,

believe

we made any difference

..11.uv--I~on't
-believe.. that
what

sin

----xden'~

Sarah.
in South

Africa

by

what

we did

Soweto

today.

makes

another.

much difference

~-

_.t:retty

words

to

don't

make

~ otherwiser?
I' 11 tell
you why.
'. _~?,,.__,............---..____)1\.._-...
~ll /
,,
Because
I like
the applause.

it

so.

It

it

gives

to

~~

;.S(,..o

out

there

a kid
h

makes

me feel

me a nice,

"'-'I-

one

So why do

in

way or

pretend

important.

cheap

thrill.

all."
"You don't
"That's

pulling

people

Because

. r-

That's

the

happens

really

what

believe

I believe,

that."
Sarah."

She stared

at me, puzzled,

trying

to

her

"Well,

could

have

leg.

you

figure
f coled

out

whether

me,"

she

I was
said,

<":f'-{~

trying

to

match

who believed
guess

in

I'm
I

She

door.

took

you.

She stuck

her

problem

is

your
not

people

not

drunker

think

you.

about

you.

your

But

hey,

"Let

have

seen

time

we work

Just

to see

it

let

me tell

It's

never

if

anybody's

naive,

he can
avoid

run

what

you.

the

other

brothers

is

about

you.

you
just

Reggie
over

wandered
and

man!

Sarah,

i3-a-rey

was totally

Started

out

here.

hurt

is

Mr.

Obama.

It's

about

depending

on you.
or your

am I."

party,

whole

just

4),vv--

(t'.,{.

sophistication

whole

real

You're

you.

irony

you,

your

The

in your

He came

he feels."

something,
about

or your

away from

know what

about

C,

And neither

we could.

You're

are

Shit
the

think

"You wanna

threw

last
out

weekend?
Saturday

out

of the

his

arm

He threw

11

some of our parties

Man, you remember?

If

he can

speech

coming

"Naive?

Children{wuo

Great

me tell

to

The

someone

help.

was.

"Obama!

so.

everything's

as she was finishing,

than

at

hips.

think

and Doc and all

bruised.

shoulder.

should

a man speak

Naive."

on her

in my chest.

interested

ego getting

hands
I don't

Well

who need

Just

I heard

waved

Sarah.

one who thinks

hurt.

just

They're

grin.

about

and

one who seems

the

and Earl

rally

It's

the

You always

Reggie

always

me like

man who cared.

beer

stupid,

back,

finger

is?

of

Uh-uh.

You're
You're

The

"Not

a step

himself.

like

swig

me naive?

it's

to

A black

something.

another

the

calling

"Seemed

stupid."

took

through

my tone.

and

Sarah

kitchen,
around

a sloppy

me go way back.

year,

back

at

of control.

the

You
dorms.

Remember that

Forty-hours,
morning,

my

no sleep.

and didn't

stop

till

Monday

came around."

I tried
tellin

to

you,

morning,

change

Sarah,

it

we were

Beer

bottles

where

Jeff

spilling

threw

and

the

looking

butts.

rug.

"You remember,

'~
>

one s:tarts

other

n~f(

to

me and

.
~k
l 1. e ~omb1.es.

That

started

don't

to

you,

to cry.

'Dios

her

on the

patting

crazyf

"I'm

up Monday

Newspapers.

turned

started

show

spot
laugh,

man?

How

Mio,'

one of
OL....
back.!
)Shit,

,,-- t.uo1"'w,--f:~

91,-..L<Q....

we were

there,

Ricky

ladies

was on a roll.
maids

sitting

on the
Mexican

Reggie

When the

Cigarette

up .. "

old

but

wild.

still

everywhere.

little

em says,

subject,

was

all

more beer

those

the

-"'-

,b

I smiled
I was.

When she

her

voice

she

said.

"Is

finally

that

else

you know.

to

the

clean

people

She grabbed
I

people
my arm,

her

looking

"What's
"Nothing,"

was as

That

and

problem?"
I said.

if

off

for

running

coffee
after

confused,

been

people

the

for
it

there;

that's

funny?"

was

her,

a mess

of her

funny,

for

noticed

want

a scene.

Reggie

like

a lost

child.

out

of Reggie's

life.

too."

and headed
but

for

my grandmother,
most

table

bum that

weren't

-- making

have

thought

the

Reggie

Barack

could

up behind

worked

purse

me down like

"You think

to you,

me, and I didn't

hurt
her

it

real

clean

about

at

stare

a whisper.

up?

she

thought

staring

barely

to

Sarah

spoke

what's

She had

bet

door.

feeling

was shaking,

somebody

I'll

weakly,

the

few

pulled

on

hand

and

he said.
I took

the

beer

set
aren't

it

on top

of the

really

there."

bookshelf.

"She

just

believes

in things

that

- ----------------------iliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I opened the door and stepped

trailing

me like

sight,

only

a spirit.

its

Look
'

someyone
were

at

before,

their

from

listening

that

had been
values
that

spoke

Except

claim

--

morality

have

and

my mother.

so wrapped

books

of

had

up had I been

To that

the

world,

as if

endless

in

imagined

white

of my childhood,
by the

times

But

was I to escape

stained

They

those

falsehoods

black.
the

same thing

more excuses

for

from black

bitterness

Who told

you that

being

Who sold

you this

bill

had a color?
yourself

and rubbed

happened?

values

you.

a thousand

TV sitcoms

for me.

you from being

-- about

grown stunted

doorstep

formed

me?

exempted

about

the

make

people

than

honest

I might

was a white

'

they1ask~

ideas

with

for myself.
:._i.,2>=.

that

about

people

situation

had set

now I was hearing

respected,

thing,

so eager

somehow unalterably

white

ever

point,

clouds.

Don't

not about

heard

from

of

of dew.

It's

from

out

rim of high

judgment.

I had

variations,

to cede

tasted
pass

homilies

authority

moon had slipped

the

your mess.

injuries,

willing

were

you

at a certain

white

the

air

my grandparents,

my own perceived
traps

up after

the smoke from the room

along

the

before

points,

all

philosophy,
stopped

clean

simple

in

visible

to lighten;

yourself

else

such

Up above,

glow still

The sky had begun

outside,

You've

knot

lost

and small.

in the

way,

and who you might

-:tr

back of my neck.

~ze~y-

knew the

your

or kind:

brother.

Your
become

I sat down on the

How had that

l:1:-c-1s3-'tEcaarr't:t;-Ee~dl:-l't:tO:>-tarlS3-J]~c-i~~
the question
1v..rs~.eelf : ::-~efore

in my mind,

that

or diligent

your

who you are

and narrow
the

thoughtful

of goods,

ans~.

had even
Fear.

The

same

fear

fear

that

had

fear

that

I didn't

pretended

that
caused

to

outsider

had

caused

me to

belong

be

push

ridicule

with

the

was right;

it

Joella

Tim.

somehow;

something

somehow,

me to

that

world,

The

The constant,

unless

wasn't,

away.

would

black

and

same

crippling

I dodged

and hid

and

forever

remain

an

white,

standing

me.

My fear.

in

judgment.
So Sarah

And now?

needs.
back

bent,

the

endless

floor.

sagging

face

despair.

flesh

I saw that

instead

to

her

shaped.

said,

-As. the

replaced
Mexican
Lolo's

old

by

have

maid,

straining

mother,

etched

house;

boarded

the

the
6:00

of

of

that

I had

to

power

into

still

and

beyond

an

in

her

anger

or

mostly.

kept

her

not

a claim

The
stooped

to resist

a world

have

face

dissolved

others:

the

as she carried
with

am bus

a lack

me,

Determination,

whatever

you

across

my pity.

be locked

grief

tight-lipped,

only

went

her

the

easy

of your

own

on how it

is

responsibilities.

woman's

a series

scrubbed

The determination

but

My

somewhere,

up at

us together

need

against

straight.

You still

woman looked

didn't

You might

eyes

as she

of me, then?

push

expedient.

making,

old

about

grandmother

shaking

what bound

asking

just

Sarah's
arms

the

she

of standing

or the

think

of her

I saw that

determination

that

imagined

Slowly,

What was she

her

had been

from

copper-skinned
out

the

chalk-colored
that

would

imagination,
choose

between

take
a failure
them.

the
face

her

face

garbage;

as she watches

to
of

They

my mind,

the

Dutch
of

nerve,
all

the

face

burn

Toot

work.

of

as

of
down
she

I realized
had

asked

made me
the

same

thing
'at

of me, these

the

old

looked

black

more like

scrubbing

grandmothers
woman's
me.

It

and scrapping

people

that

wounds

to

't~y

I heard

side,

would
the

most

.L--------aybe

of mine.
but

it

wouldn't

be because

longest.

keenly,

If
it

I would

stop

first

be

because

she

she had been

stooping

and

it

was the

would

cries

be because

of black

we had

more

heal.
identity

might

begjn

with

the

fact

of

my race,

~it

\,..-.'<- ,{'>

d~==n_d

th.,re.

_ A

ea

C-,

el $ff'

hat

For a few minutes

sun

glide

day,

to

through

into

thinking
me, Billie

dawn.

I picked

up the

layers

of hurt,
a willingness
before.

different
beneath
to

now,
the
endure.

still
about

Behind

sounded

there

place,

Sarah.

voice

was

more I sat

the

call

was on her
refrain,

in my doorway,

thought

blue-stained
Endure,

I'd

to

be making

last

humming

watching

song,

laughter,

that

crackling

a few bars.

myself.
all

and make music

the

Her

Beneath

the

I could

hear

that

wasn't

Chapter

I spent
It

wasn't

friend

estate

agreement

was

arrival;
subways,
I finally

looking
The street

in

front
of

the

was

empty

up,

Puerto

Rican

nervous

look

luggage

dragging
before

bang,

Again,

no

answer,

gently

on the

into

I didn't

New York,
that

have

all

the

the

threshold
sound

the

down

the

name

ten.
I was

on either

Eventually,

With

my

to

upstairs,

throwing

street.

I rushed

of what

past

buildings

the

once

my August

to Amsterdam,

building,

a corpse,

New
An

airport,

shadows.

down

the

No one answered.

the

from

and,

of

a few minutes
out

her

catch

the

proceeded

to

was to be my new abode.

the

hall,

of

deadbolt

place.
like
enough

a guy named

he worked

through

night,

heading

date

I made

I could.

the

rectangular

shut,

just

New York ... just

found

of

while

repeatedly.

of

me like

slammed

then

lamp

before

behind

knock,

street

time

given

from Broadway

address,

buzzer

it

through

be vacating

and that

with

109th

woman emerged

my way

it

ahead

of the

that

would

grab

my luggage

the

a bulk

friend

better

up in an alley-way.
I had heard

Columbia,

and across

and pressed

boarded

tumbling

I'd

dragging

glow

for,

near

I wired

Square,

stood

By the

door

market,

curled

in L.A.,

a third

Harlem,

after

Times

still

yet

reached;

and

young

that

in Spanish

real

in Manhattan

while

a friend

apartment

side

night

intentional;
of

York

my first

I pictured
money for

Sohale

night

it.

at

a motel.

whom I'd
a bar

I checked

met

my wallet,

and

I knew one person

in

somewhere.

L.A.,
With

but

he told

nothing

to

in
me
do

but

wait,

the

stoop.

out

the

I carried
After
letter

Dear
after

awhile,

I'd

Son.

I was attending

etc.

In

fact

you.

was

of me in

where

to

In

carrying

such

I am fine

expected

it

downstairs
into

since

and doing

this

case,

to

from

which

came back

that

do better

you

you know

from

negotiating

much travel

I shall

on

pulling

hear

things

business,

of too

I think

those
I just

a seat

L.A.

leaving

all

took
pocket,

surprise

country.

because

and

my back

a pleasant

to Government

is

any

back

I reached

been

It

so long.

are

my luggage

London

finances,

I rarely

from

write

now on.

You will
here

are

your

decision

shall,

fine,

if

it

to

is

know your

pocket.
but

three

hadn't

died

over

the

Obama.

answered

the

also

past

me, cheerful

you may wish

the

to

taking

you

its
to

write
years.

lines,
too

chisel

and calm.

and

to

to

we

Barry,

is

your

stuffed
our

that

you

mum, Tutu,

it

back

in my

correspondence
I had gone
for

Dear

granite.

Know where

come,

you belong.

In fact

much.

of

Dad.

struggling

explain
a

soon.

him;

approve

stay.

thing

hallo

seams

they

to

important

say

and sisters

When you

you know where

three

out

me,

graduation.

from

easy

brothers

Like

and

along

crossing

Like

that

here

been

impulse

after

yourself,
to

your

greetings.

a few days,

letter

the

all

on how long

for

I hope

It

resisting
Dr.

only

after

drafts,

home

decide

look

I folded

their

come

and

Stanley.

to know that

send

people,

Please

all

and

together,

even

and

be pleased

the

Father.
And

you belong,

had
through

right

tone,

Dear
now

he

Dad.
had

he advised.

He made

it

sound

simple,

"Information

--

what

"Uh . I 'm not

name's

Obama.

calling

city

directory

assistance.

please?"

I was

sure .

Where

Maybe it

like

hoping

you

could

tell

me.

The

do I belong?"

really

was that

simple

for

him.

I imagined

my father

~~~,;....~

sitting

at his

papers

to

children
drive

desk

sign,

a minister

waiting
away.

aside,

in Nairobi,(clerks

at

concentrating

returning
Where

good

to
did

block;
as the

and I soon

like

found

village

only

sound

of

but

with

Sarah

coming

my new-found

resolve

set

it

coming

same thoughts

of time.

a drunk

a day's

salsa

the

him
and

to

march

My conversation

I was

~wife

and I tried

faint

down the

bringing

advise,

angry,

on the

I belong?

for

own father's

as persistent

But

binge,

up

made me vaguely

somewhere
me,

intentions.

painful

his

instead

from an open window

kept

calling

home,

The image

and secretaries

that

out

of

night

a long,

slipping

away,

-h,ft 'i.,__,,...,..

without

objrect

~~

childhood
/~.
-. , ;,a~
~,,-~-,1,..;-~J

Whatever
claim
a

ft-~itl~

or

my father

Africa

remained

superficial,

that

cut

shared
than

than

high-fives

no

And if

the
the

find

imagine

as
to

I might

was too

such,

me,

a community

settling
late

crime
exchange

statistics,
on the

there.

to

ever

truly

myself

as

:u-

for
that

like

that
understanding
~
~ ~ <MO-:t_rGali2ed
that
more

place.

common despair
latest

behind

I had come to understand

understood

to

lay

longer

I knew it

unanchored

I needed

deeper

Hawaii

say,

was

when reading
the

could

as my home.

American,

anything,

might

black

than

directionr

myself,
black

a community
friends

more
basketball

and

substantial
court

with

~~
a teen-ager
stakes,

from

and test

throbbing

arranged

and

if

than

there

were

city,

with

black

my new life.

with

Spanish

there
at

in

had

one

more

sitting

drop

out
from

noticed

of

Sarah

was

least

wasn't

down

America's

Occidental

quick

to

students

be in

the

had

apply.
at

heart

Columbia
of

a true

proximity;

a place

to

much in L.A.

to hold

me back,

that

on her

eventually

year:

way to

Hasan

off

Andalucia,

"Tell
as

yet

start

to work
to

a book

the

look,

book

study

was

over

the

table

the

was

the

friendly
and

man said.
to

last

for

don't

us

as

human

But
that

back

to

he had decided

sitting

across

of

eye,

of

his

curious
Earl

the
and

slavery.

he
The

eye

man

gave

--

and

a question.

"How do you

was permitted
see

something

drift

asked

of me.

a glass

and

He should

I thought

economics

although

he

please,"

people

--

..

with

on the

ahead

before

student
student

Earl.

year,

library,

reading

the

understand

him in the

balding

to

a year

through

fully

an older,

slavery

"White

he was only

An Iranian

leaned

me,

had happened

to him midway

with

about

he

what

left;

couldn't

Earl

a menacing

sure

school.

us,

man inquired

thing

year

had gotten

one evening,

him

at

graduating

London,

black

that

black

in close

were

I wasn't

if

had

any more

there

put

gypsies.

I recognized,

table

was,

enter

program

New York,

I would

to

I could

as my own.

a transfer

weren't

oxy,

As it

family

something

to

pulse

in

where

I wanted

neighborhoods

And Earl?
have

about

of my friends

his

J_iomeplace

its

Columbia,

that

most

feel

I heard

with

figured

projects.

my commitments.

heart,

So when

for

the

think

such

so many years?
beings,

"

Earl

said.

"Simple

as that.

"Yes,
people

of em still

But

see.

what

don't."

I mean

to

did

"Slave
something

were

so few,

what

fight.

about

did

preferred

the
them.

you see.

they

These

my wife,
This

is what

fight

at

all.

Until

I looked

at

Earl,

waiting

silent,

his

a spot

face

on the

a pause,
names

not

table.

I took
of

the

waters

before

asking

if,

angry

is,

why didn't

black

untold
the

once

V,

~.

him to

of

ships

who had
had

had landed,

those

women and children

that

remained.

some slaves
stood

any

different

by and did nothing

This

Iranians

last
in

L.A.

Khomeini

conversation,

their

the

seemed

to

were

former

supporters

repeating

catch

and

one of Malcolm

dragged
the

prefered

suffering

some

the

Shah,

finally
lectures

on
other

collaboration

opponents

old

ports;

we judge

man off

of
Earl

still

more

Was the

after

he knew the

American

have

of

down on

shark-infested

How could

X's

fixed

if

into

visit

silence

as Savak thugs

power

have

me, but

reached

only

remark

took

would

do

But he remained
eyes

lept

shoes?

than

they

Why so many men

he would

might

in

people

Iranian

ever

revolt

stood

these

confused

the

had he known that

we had

But

answer.

response

asking

slnps

men.

... well,

understand.

death

men until

brave

I have

you see?"

for

thousands

the

"Yes,

watching

children

death,

attack,

slave

very

a slave,

I don't

lack

"

interrupted.

were

my

Vescey ...

as much as withdrawn,

His

up the

Denmark

Iranian

Had I been

to

death.

not

Nat Turner,

rebellions,"

read

after

ask

fight?"
"They

did

Most

of

Iranians,

who

of the Shah?
guard

--

having

most
fled

rejoined

the

about

house

negros

and

field

of his

own words,

walked

towards

didn't

like

followed,

haunted

becoming
African

to

to

beard

grow
Finally

that

if

were

changes

Initially,

children

screeching

bongo

players

did

under

a tree,

just

the

dark,

was

hitting

the

hair

work

its

young

in

barely
he

seem

he

get

hanging

out
the

except

he

was

dance

nearby.
playing

school
We were

an

but

all-day

Earl

beside
by the

low
off

seemed

a group

We sat

and wandered

meat-pies

his

women in shorts,

transfixed

hands

an
He

from

at

grass,

life.

first,

bored,

for

said.

to

woman selling
there,

shit,"

to

barely-cupped

to wearing

leave

Only when we passed

at

him

He let

a word.

listening

to

more than

dreadlocks.

to take

the

cracks

uncommunicative.

way into

through

come

the

more heavily.

this

for

he

administration

afternoon,

ran

through

he took

inward,

reefer

was

was nothing

the

he was going

as they

I started

still

he grew

it

pride:

lobbying

was a beautiful

and spoke

awhile

racial

Compton,

It

high-rumped

in his

him;
seeping

it

park

there.

in

kept

from

festival

watching

that

a break

Maybe

months

"Need

through

and I.

in the

started

his

Earl

I know that

me that

walking

distracted

up and

restless.

Later,

let

conversation,

he told

awhile.

stood

reasons

world.

classes,

out,

he abruptly

convinced

enough

spectres

to class,

skip

he weren't

were more than

notice

dormitory.

began

Earl

feel
to

sunny

prints

if

there

more demonstative

all-black

After

that

anything;

began

safe,

a few minutes

about

by something,

of our

for

talk

Earl

as

door.

did

explain

someone

But he spoke

and after

the

We never
it

negros.

off
to

the
talk

of
them

sound,
hide.
to

When I returned,
now,

his

long

legs

---------------------crossed,
smoke

borrowed
that

bongos

surrounded

expressionless,
were

just

to

shut

more

the

as

searching

much

for

sky,

know where

was

as

gone,

that

led

nuance,

needed

that

wasn't

the

were

above

only

one

the
us

swallowed
us,

gash

then

city

Did

Did any of us?

Where

the

uncles

and

in our hearts?

rescue

meaning

from

up by time.

They

once-a-year

letters

their

up at

lights.

fathers,

the

help

the

myself.

explain

taunting

New York street,

pebbles

Where
defeat?

had

left,
full

of

through

...
past
to

midnight

an alley

by

way.
fell

shaping

dreams.

In

the

morning,

pecking

around

washing

himself

the
at

was

hi~

or

Earl

and

answered

rhythm

I watched

realized

me,

'7,

an hour

he

I had suddenly

beneath

There

as if

untold

luggage

him.

narrow,

and

back

abandoned

might

vanished,

well

that

was taut

of

beating

I asked

~ere

advice
was

haze

drums,

his;

dim like

images

dime-store

without

the

face

were

For almost

those

needed

he belonged?

healers

cloudy

fence

-=
who would help

grandfathers,

were

of

his

eyes

playful,

out

Through

that

sunlight.

down at the

village?

They

his

lap.

answers.

Earl

the

sweat:

there,

a few stars

were

see

than

hell

Now I looked

It

the

And standing

my help

their

out

in his

I could

with

desparate

pounding

memories.

the

him,

shining

trying

him play,

nesting

phone

garbage

the

I found

asleep,

near

no one

sound
up

my feet.

when I called,

at

the

and told
]_

to

crawled
spot,
of
find

propped
drums

object
apartment,

me to

catch

my

softly

a white

A homeless

and didn't

home

a dry

the

I woke

an open hydrant,
still

time

man

hen
was

when I joined
but

Sohale

a cab to his

place

on the

Upper

He greeted
who,
his

pitched
now made

the

well-built

Pakistani

had

come to

New York

from

and

and unabashed

desire

mood.
in

waiting

a mirror

Sohale

started

and razor

11

say,

vaguely,

back.

across

street,

underwear

Barry ...

to

be perfectly
visa,

illegal

immigrant

and

As we enterred
at

the

one side.

kitchen

"Maureen,

"

"

my bags

Sohale

found

tourist

sitting

off

dropping

Back downstairs,
the

his

to

Aux Foll es.

pushed
is

and told

make money

La Cage

blade

corrected,

London

high-turnover,

at

"this

to

overstayed

New York's

on tables

to

"Barack,
woman waved

He had

I saw a woman in her

table,

shop

a short,

a living

apartment

he got

street,

city's

workforce,

the

earlier,

wit

to

Side.

me on

two years
caustic

East

that

on the

she'd

we found

and I apologized

floor.

be gone

a booth

at

again

about

The

by the

time

a Greek

coffee-

having

called

so early.
"Don't

worry

much prettier

last

Barry

sorry

fair

city?"

I want

to
Sohale

amigo,"
but

this

there."

he said,
city

to

tends

He gestured

to

can talk
eat
to

the

all

away at
crowd

menu.

spent

the

of the

Make myself
of

an egg

you want
such
along

"She

What brings

The state

yolk

a smile.

the

Barack.

I said.
the

with

over

I've

I said.

open
"you

me,

explain.

my ways,

broke

said

He looked
Tell

youth,

amend

Sob.ale

night."

my best

a misspent

it,"

. Barack.

I tried
over

about

of

with

noble
First

me,

you

our

to

brooding

and my soul.

some use.
his

about

"So tell

summer

world

seemed

fork.

saving

sentiments.
Avenue.

"Well,
the

world,
Look out

"Everybody

looking
out

out

of the

for
way.

my friend,

is

"But ...

Survival

through

when

the

the

up
lead

air,

winter
gave
to

Housing

second

to

the

Tooth

and

claw.

up some egg with

exception.

cup towards

I had
by

signs

observe

byways

in

front
That,

his

In which

toast,

case

of

to

I will

I tried

on.

had

He would

it

At

man.

for

to

out
pay

the

a grin

subway

was

the

of heat;

he

perfume

me lodging

price

into
tag

again,

sublessors

and

run

of

when I

and accompany

the

rent

lab

Bloomingdale's,

over

that

months,

suppress

who spritzed

lack

eyes

a large

woman on the

offer

turned

failed

like

as I checked

on 109th

when

apartment

old

human mannequins

apartment
Court

the

his

coming

He would

young

my reaction

In the

I travelled,

Manhattan.

offered

the

me in mock salute,

of change.

me as

a stony-faced

and watched

up the

be the

coffee

me past

coats

guy

fittest.

and mopped

any immediate

seat

snatched
would

his

continue

rat,

the

you."

He tipped

he would

Elbow

New York."

to

for

Numero uno.

of the

Maybe you'll

my hat

searching

one.

" he shrugged

"who knows?
doff

number

off

me

of

my

with

my

deposit.
"Tooth

and

claw,

figure

out

degree

-of yottz:.s ~"

how you're

ju.A<..

a few months
had

expected.

his

of closer

indeed

going

Stop
to

worrying

about

make some money

out

the
of

world
this

and
fancy

11~ ~

When he lost

city

Barack.

had

I stopped

own lease,

we moved

scrutiny,
an effect
getting

Sohale
on me,
high.

in together.

began

to

although
I ran

three

And after

realize

not

the

miles

that
one

the

he had

a day,

and

fasted

on Sundays.

to

studies,

my

reflections
a bar

his

he

enough

allure,

and the

constraints
desire

city's

the

Wall

more
high.

temperament,
Times

overrun
But
excessive

all

me into

some tepid

excuse,

leaving

the

sure

of

spot,

into

not the

Square,
a fragile

was

ridiculous

styles,

or

beautiful
steer

habits,

of the

see

the

filth,

the

there

suit

a more
of

of

to

potent

moderation,
take

street-corner

temptation

no

of clothes,

woman,

chose

seemed

manufacture

a course
I

that

wealth,
the

the

a finer

to

humming

to

men and women barely

my senses;

a more

to

power

Manhattan

restaurant,

old

consequent

its

dazzled
life

what

Sohale's

The beauty,

convictions,

prepared

on

the

preachers

everywhere,

ready

to

curb

an

will.

my reaction
appetite,

of it

myself

confirming

heels.

my ability

falling

wasn't

enjoying

of

expensive

night

if

to talk

before

up everywhere,

on their

excess,

a more

of

daily

to me and offered

boom,

already

fast

Uncertain

fearful

of

he turned

I suppose,

cropping

twenties

exclusive

with

I was actually

Street

on originality

--

full

tried

One day,

although

of the

merchants

noise

beg off

company,

right,

new developments

fashion

Sohale

cash.

In a way,

their

journal

myself

a bore."

was

With

of

Whenever

had happened.

corrupt.

I applied

indictment.

becoming

estimation

in years,

keeping

of better

"You're
knew

time

up women, I'd

not

scathing

exactly

out

or

in search

most

year:

started

to pick

much work

apartment

in

and

first

and bad poetry.

hitting
too

For the

was

more

a reaction

than
to
10

just

sensory

an

attempt

overload.

to

Beneath

the

hum,

the

world

motion,

taking

seen

all

place,

worse

kids

suspicion

between

density

or

grasp

the

and

..:eobtee~

the

times

the

remained

camps,

the

its

But
scale,

mathematical

a-6-\rell

of

that

flowed

Columbia's

only

freely

blunt

now that

to

paint

ferocity

of
seemea

streets,

no matter

correspondence

to
race

prmdmit:y

them

to

America's

on the

where,

mood of

I began

the

that

just

I'd

New York'' s

of

depth,

not

drawn.

the

everywhere,

which

eoRtempt

of

violence

because

ae'the

tried

with

the

with

bathrooms,

administration
scratched

was

~pecie.l

of battle

whether
it

fracturing

accustomed,

precision

joined0

bile

lines

grown

races.

of

steady

and glimpsed

I had

wars, 5...:t;he

stalls

was the

dividing

L.A.;

problem
tribal

the

in

almost

class

see

in Indonesia,

because

resulting

in

the

poverty

inner-city

I could

how many

over,

between

but

the

walls

niggers

and

kikes.
It

was

nowhere,

it

black
I'd

as

sought

across

and

all

seemed,

community

firm,

which

Until

I noticed

were

messengers

blue-jacketed
catch
I might

the

life

for
that

the

security

wander

collapse

meet
to

East

from

--

home,

through

the

Harlem
11

--

blacks

or
to

his

the
to
play

in

look

law
out

imagining

family,
high

a home.
rise

in the
hours

the

which

midtown

high-rise,

who counted
uptown

at

in the

other

than

MOMA, I would

the

And

and within

friend

blacks

only

to

apparent

a vocation,

other

the
guards

train

River

utterly.

imagined,

a black
at

only

collapsed,
more

lunch

myself

or clerks,

their

had

I had so lovingly

heading

towards

ground

that

I might

before

city

middle
was

refuge.

satisfactory

could

if

office

museum the
before

they

Queens.
on courts

I'd

once

>

read

about,

to

rare

Sunday,

Abyssinian
sweet,

Jesse

Jackson

wake up early

enough

Baptist

sorrowful

Church,
song

I sought.

which

this

--

world,

find

reach,

the

lists,

so that

Sugar

to

to

be

and catch

and when

Hill's

few decent
all

uninhabitable

rental

that

dollar

a seat

lifted

by

that

in
and

the

winos

slouched

gospel

on a
pew of

choir's

of that

thing

and

ten-year
rows

of

waiting
of dark,

men peeled

against

out

long

and rows

young

join

there,

occupied

the

of which

back

an apartment

with

front

or,

show me how to

brownstones

where

in the

glimpse

for

buildings

on 125th

might

looked

remained

bills

find

a fleeting

elegant

tenements,

twenty

make a speech

But I had no guide

troubled

would

of

hear

slabs

the

crumbling

a mockery

my tender

facade.
All
ambitions
had

--

lived

a personal

for

awhile,

my observations.
a

continental

drift.

Political

Occidental

had once

flavor

Cooper's
Harlem

of the

Union,
and

or

the

during

New York had

iceskating

at

free

to

a motif

live

like

around

to

Rockefeller
most
which

told

with
there

was out

phenomenon,

the

like

fairs

like

Center.

going

to

With

a bit

black

organize

my life,
12

kind

they
or

that

at

attended
took

few

of

the
film

to

in
many
or

I was

of money,

patch

at

place

a foreign

in Manhattan,
to

nothing

came to take

that
a

who

monsoons

I sometimes

summers

offer,

was

and purposeful,

cultural

people

of control,

the

conferences

middle-class
to

I was

discussions,

African

diversions

subject

so intense

socialist

Brooklyn

the

natural

seemed

up the

The city

polarization

on the

affront,

when I brought

New York

about
the

as

though,

in

original
said,

I took

this

choose

together

------------------

-------

collage

of styles,

I sensed,

friends,

though,

and decided
private

that

that

or

takings

or

decided

building

--

your

that

you had

began
that

Unwilling

which

of

I could

It

choice,

has

bathroom.

humorless
visit

looking

the

apartment
was

of

now

the

walking

line

from one

I watched
trace

for

out

some

the

range

my future

opening

with

she

while

was

a construction
sister

When we met
adventures:

for

in

through

eating

shouted

on the
days
they

13

she

began

Upper

would

West

give
and

inspected

to

giggle.

then

moved to

of my mother's

summer

on their

strawberries

as

a friend

That

found

my mother.

a few nights,

that

away.

and sister

in New York.

They both

Avenue

their

dinne~,

to

and I for

site

spent

said

my mother

Sohale

them

my mother

summer

plates!"

offered

their

avoid

your

side

a year

to

mood that

two towels!"

on Park

of

trying

my sister

condominium

city.

of a

divide

on the

a tourist,

my first

"And three

stayed

and

Like

I saw,

a plush

mother

in

the

I spent

on display,

came to

"He only

clearing

to

cost

be.

other.

so skinny,"

They

the

night

a doorman

to

at

reenter.

me when they

the

needed

intended

people

affiliations.

only
at

yourself

was in this

"He's

cabs

find

to the

the

city

would

of human possibility
lives

in the

irrevocable,

to make that

political

-- maybe when you had children

was

you

end of Manhattan

the

you

choice

never

holes,

some stage
stay

subways,

and

at

you could

school,

impassable,

watering

I had

found

Side,

so

own,

had
a job

that

exploring

my
the

me a detailed

report

cream

Plaza,

at

the

visiting

the

until

they

Cezanne
were

problems

of

scolded

Maya

reading
the

for

the

overhear

one

of

he?

the

in

silence
on the

dispossessed.

her.

I instructed

to

eat
discourse

watching

for

of

my mother

on

development

bred

withdrew

TV instead

and international

two of them

to

dependence
the

in

kitchen,

my mother.

I mean,

one of those

a long

was working

Maya complaining

and become

begin

donors

one she

isn't

I would

evening

for

foreign

When the

ok,

Met.

politics

bought

the

World.

"Barry's
cool

I'd

the

then

the

spending

like

Third

would

and

ways that

organizations

and

city

novels

various

at

finished,

the

the

exhibit

freaks

I hope
you see

he

doesn't

lose

his

streets-argun~

on the

~-"
One

evening,

mother's

eyes

that

was

showing

that

night;

to

go the

lit

it

"I was only

of

We took

sorts

was simple,

the

film

she recalled.
Chicago

--

on my own.

cab

its

time

saw this
ever

to

the

had been

the

film,

hadn't

summer,

saw,
been

told

I thought

I felt
it

she

was

it

said.

accepted

me yet

working

Gosh,

Orpheus,

that

as a livelike

such

the

most

seen."
revival

theater

made in the

mostly-black,

myth of the

ever

my

we go see

"I had just

Gramps

Voice,

Black

that

she

The first

The film
due to

insisted

for

I had
a

foreign

Village

a movie,

and I was there

And when
thing

the

for

My mother

first

University

an adult.

of

downtown.

then,"

go --

through

on an advertisement

was the

in baby-sitter.

playing.

thumbing

sixteen

I couldn't

beautiful

while

Fifties,

Brazilian

ill-fated
14

where

lovers

the

movie

was

a ground-breaker

cast.
Orpheus

The story

line

and Eurydice,

set

in

the

splendor,

favelas
set

Brazilians
birds

against

sang

in

decided

that

she might

the

screen,

given

had

her

the

with

lower

middle-class

life,

warm,

sensual,

me.

conversation
an

Sudan

were

Sitting

there

with

the

the

things

with

that

the

ask

her

glow of

I had

of her

been

youth;

blacks

on

was what my

years

been

before,

forbidden

promise

of

a
to

another

the

irritated

dark,
of

worked
and

he had

was

for

an

his

people
of

a few years

international

He had

in

the

reminded

my mother's

Asia.
met

with

told

travels,

aid

me that

of

the

of

Dik

strangest.
after

a month
you don't

some semblance
Dik,

had

her,

a friend

Africa

"Even where

a joke,

in

throughout

the

if

savages,

those

Kansas,

for

who had

"Usually,
said.

embarrassed

peoples

as

of child-like

that

from

to
blue

heart

all

movie,

different.

away,

different

was

dark

Hawaii

Englishman

organization
the

girl

had

It

brown

care-free

the

by the

unreflective

fantasies

exotic,

I had

lit

depiction

to

like

through

face,

of Conrad's

her

simple

white

I turned

image

and

to my mother

gaze.

the

Technicolor

black

guitars,

half-way

But her

that

the

and turned

the

In

hills,

About

heart,

reverse

carnival.

strummed

a wistful

realized

of

and

enough,

in

carried

reflection

all

green

to go.

set

into

the

earlier,

scenic

plumage.

was

screen,

around

during

danced

be ready

a window

mother

Rio

I had seen

and I suddenly
the

and

colorful

if

of

they

of

remained

drove

or
speak

two,
the

you

language,

recognition.
utterly

me to despair.

make

But
alien

to

contact,
there's

at

the

me.

What I thought

" he
a smile

end
They

of

had
or

a year

laughed

was funny

at
left

them

stone

cold."

I had

spared

him

the

of

mine,

and

watched

cousins
imagining

this

back

turned

and

stretched

thought
the

pale

away

from

between

the

by the

desire

a circle

with

races
to

bitter

find

never

that

were

with

the

desert

his

and

memory,

somewhere,
the

that

even

some element

sky

blank

love

same

me as I left
the

that

his

The

with

sister:
that

distant

solitude.

I now carried

other

Dik

tribesmen,

in

be pure,

in the

narrow

naked

my mother

could

the

a parched

of

to me then

theater

eyes

in

emptiness,

had occured

that

his

Englishman

into

movie

information

emotions

was tarnished
was missing

in
,(tu..

we sought

Whether

ourselves.

,t'\.u_

breed,

menacing,
"Kind

our

demons

or

salvation,

this

rz,.<.,2..-

othe<,

""thi-s

apart,

out

would

always

remain

just

that:

alien.

of corny,

huh,"

my sister

said

as my mother

went

to

the

bathroom.
"What?"
"The
For

movie.
the

next

my mother

and

they

about

were

several

to

noticed

asked

if

her

corny.

Just

I tried

be forced

leave,

had

of

days,

to

to

talk.

in my hand,

an international

arranging

a visit?"

briefly

of my plans

mom's

avoid
Then,

I came by while

a letter

she

"You guys
I told

was kind

I might

My mother
her

It

Maya was taking

postage

bottom

of her

purse.

Actually

two stamps:

in the

summer

heat.

She gave

me a sheepish

situations
a few days

addressed

as she

style."

to

where
before
a nap.

my father.

stamp.

dug out
they
grin,

a stamp

had melted
and put

from the
together
water

on

to

boil

so we could

"Well,
to
a

I think

know each
bit

for

resentful

said

ten-year

for

from

the

old

to

you two to

get

"He was probably

kitchen.
take,

finally

but

now

that

you' re

"Who knows?"
her

"I
there

head

towards

don't

for

teapot

know."

"It

and

if

she

wasn't

divorced

him.

stopped

the

that

it

- your

grandfather

saying

that

it

began

When the

have

to

"I hope

the

he didn't

how Gramps
father's

was a village
show a divorce

But

you don't

feel

reacted

to

traffic
Then,

he

they

said

without

any

left,

you

that.

so there

your

eventually

to do.

a distant

he

know.

long,

they

probably

came around

And then

there

me they

was no legal

Well,

to

father

nasty

He didn't
said.

grandparents

Then Barack's

marriage.

woman,

17

The

in

ok --

Gramps this

"

we sat

below.

story,

married,

wife ... he had told

wedding,
...

got

of the

a white

first

that

thing

by

room and

herself.

and they

-- wrote

approve

of

an old

to

us

us anyway,

Hussein

sounds

fault

idea.

living

my envelop.

it

right

the

retell

two of

was the

sullied

the

stamped

father's

couldn't

your

to

your

with

imagine

to

telling

happy

Obama blood

returned

were

weren't

idea

She

my mother

as

kitchen.

listening

whistled,

voice,

of the

I?"

awhile,

prompting,

out

him."

"Why would

could

be wonderful

apart.

"

She stuck

but

it'll
she

I shrugged.

with

them

other,"

tough

older

steam

letter,
want

the

you

can

was a problem
were

separated,

documents

that

Her

chin

had

steadying

herself.

was going

ahead

the

three

Toot

played

it

Kenya

up,

and

"Even

~f Social

Harvard.
board,

he

education?
that

be taken

to

pay

had

to

he told

running

only

a few years

older
time,

to

didn't

She stopped

to

your

Mau-Mau

press

really

my head

chopped

then,

When your

all

all

that.

three
was

How can
he could

through

Later,

her
than

third

room and

of us.

Harvard

stubborn

refuse

think

the

about,

best

proving

hair.

"Oh,

you are

now.

Bar,

wife

with
had

him.
just

we

He was

when he came to visit

us to come live

and his

--

such
I

New

one was to

everything

Barack

father

One was to the

The other

for

to support

hands

he wanted

think

pay

I was younger

than

Lolo

the

Western

his

By this

about

have

that

to

revoked.

I would

he

finished

writing

visa

the

Harvard.

her

you know.

that

married

and I just

he

was still

in New York.

That's

She sighed,

saying

and we agreed

she had read

But

to

best ... "

so young,

here

tuition.

me.

lip,

away.

enough

go

back,

after

student

that

agreed

he was the

in Hawaii

born,

earlier,

was sure

down on her

wrote

Kenya

--

a few years

Res0arcJ:

were

still

hysterical

on campus,

agreed

bastard,

his

bit

father

Hussein

have

The New School

a job

just

she

then,
it might
have worked
out.
~~~""'~
received
two scholarship
offers.

graduater,he
School

to

grandfather

she

and you would

"Your

return

to

in

and

Then you were

would

had become

rebellion

tremble,

said,

it.

threatening

p~~

off

us

But your

father,

to

She
with

of

studies.

begun

us

But I was
left

him,

... "

and laughed

to herself.

"Did I ever

tell

you that

he was late
of

the

for

our

university

arrived,

but

beautiful

day,

I knew it

I had

he shows

up with

of them are

and would

wait

them

their

they

separate

black

this

and

her

parent's

own

meeting

and

her

feeling

But

we I re

that

lucky,

--

hadn't

It

was

an hour!

saying,

--

three

serious

she was a fine

was

as
girl,

allow
are

been

girl

by

guileless

the

she

transformed

of

back

to

chance
limited

of beautiful

out

attention,
of the

carried

one

our
into

grip

that

misconceptions,

need,

across

movie

at

point

of

my father's

how any love

us to break

the

number

see

revealed

unfurling

to break

with

must

beyond

the

in her

hopes,

innocence

tinged

as

else:

lives

infinite

with

trying

that's

finally

parent's

lives

flattered

The

I saw her

children

out

an

alone,

all

projected

head,

had

again

their

birth,

was that

and perhaps

images

he

and before

I saw something

reaching

child's

1 i ves.

it

consciousness,

is

I saw what

apart,

all

my father,

needs.

benches,
later

father

time,

face,

My mother
in

there,

front

I wake up and the

and once

misunderstandings,

confused

cloudy

more,

great-grandparents,

people

him in

minutes.

you that

to grow up --

their

circumstances.

few

friends.

I told

Except

are

meetings,

an hour

me, and your

once

if

or

meet

me . "

laughed

grandparent's,

Well,

gentleman.

puzzled

union

him

on one of the

of his

over

slightly

as

out

me to

When I got

give

asleep.

a couple

for

He asked
one.

I'd

fallen

standing

some point

if

at

she had been.

smiling,

to

library

so I sprawled

My mother
child

date?

figured

'Yoti see,

can be,

first

day,

her

without

begins,

something

own
self-

impulses

solitude,

of

and

and then,
firmer.

What I heard

from my mother

something

that

I suspect

from

lips

of

the

believe

exists

knows

person

never

knew him see

called
out

might

day

her
over

to

Boston,
the

her

funeral,

to

lost,
travel

in

the

love

love

when

to

of

someone

who

will

survive

at

help

least

the

one

child

was the

look

that
of her

a few months

had died,

hear

expected

hopes

And it

was

be

that

to

felt

and

later

and heard

journeys

and hills

that

pass

white

he held

family

write

back,

no

pain,

only

her

cry

brother

in

letter

the

wondered
vague

pretend

I would

an orange
beside

me,

in his

rough

meet

of

an

otherwise.

My

hold.
him one night,

men

across

my

how they

sense

I was travelling

forgotten,

go to

expressing

on indefinite

We rolled

against

gingerly

before

I ve

to make.

man sat

placed

I didn't

and

to

of my dreams.

names

bucked

conversation.

I saw no reason

would

my father's

to

Kenya were

whose

I phoned

his

them

a chamber

different

An old

cannot

had tried

awkward

wrote

to
year

friends

book that

But

cell,

with

never

as everyone

same way.

my mother,

I asked

Another
a cold

my father

a brief,

so

faring.

to

inS'Americrwill
so

remember,

that

my father,

distance.

I spoke

opportunity

she

I would

and we had

plans

them;

about

white:

round,

him in the

that

condolences.
were

and

and

the

see

tell

the

After

speaking

She saw my father

other

that

soeiet.y,
black

in

disappointment.

face

~r-..u-

white

life

day,

mo&:t bl-aelm

between

your

that

deep

in

by bus,

and

women

fields

with

of grass

sky.
heavy
hands

set,

and

I read

that

our treatment

in

a
of

the

old

meet

tested

his

our

souls.

at

an old

dining

room

filled

with

placed

it

retarded
black
had

and

a grand

a piano

cushions

of soft

in

the

the

piano

bench,

now,

or

senile,

and

and

started

to

play

when

a waitress

frowned

at

a finger
for

gone.

The bus

curb.

Inside

to

the

came to

to

in his

jail,

the

lawyer

objected
the

up from

the

we were

of the

trip,

if

I got

that

it

to

maintain

order.

and

and

Hispanic

find

everyone

down on the

a lawyer

spoke

had spent

to

and

enough

released.

precedent
The judge

and

a secret.

sat

he were

citing

a small

was a laugh,

my father

was time

down,

smiled

sharing

stone,

perhaps

perhaps

off

and

sat

a young

and woke up to

and

vigorously,

But
various

shrugged

and got

bench.
before

on a window
wrapped

around

head

and

slender

pale,

his

black

and gestured
"Look

as

made of rough

that

need

stood

carefully

lips,

suggested

time

statutes,

frown

lounge

cushions

She

the

but

in

he was

pedals.

under

us,

was

man

again

in,

a halt,

a building

The judge

off

chandeliers

white

came

her

rest

old

the

reaching

raised

the

I looked

barely

judge.

man,

one of the

when

feet

with
There

I took

her

and she

hotel

lobby.

satin.

on

I dozed

cloth

hotel,

girl,

woman,
she

me he was a union

daughter.

We stopped
the

He told

eyes
the

you,"

cell,

opened

ledge.
his

frame,

for
at

the

My father

waist;

hairless

luminous

against

he said.

padlock,

was before

he was very

his

tall,

the

mute

guard
"So tall,

arms

and

with

his

chest.
face,

please
and

me, with

thin,

an ashen
to

and

stand

so thin.

set

it

only
large

He looked
but

he smiled

aside.
Grey

hairs

even!"

And I saw that

embraced.

I began

it

to

was true,

weep,

and

and I walked

felt

ashamed,

up to
but

him and we

could

not

stop

myself.
"Barack.
said.

I always

He seemed
He sat

clasped
implacable
him,

told

him.

small

at

hands

wanted

in my arms

the

corner

of

and

stared

away

sadness

spread

him that

if

But he couldn't

we might
best

leave

if

his

wrote

still
his

to

from
his

set

me,

his

into

he shook

you,"

head

the

on

I tried

to

was only

because

I took

head

and told

real

tears

his

wall.

face.

his

he

a boy.

and when I whispered

to

live

recalled

given

had

for

up to,

myself,

next
and talk

--

son.

first

I turned

An

joke

to

with
after

him that

me it

I had
his

ever

first

the

first

time,

me some bulwark

would

him;

and

light,

recorded.

visit;

be

I dug

me to

dance.

in his

which

to

for
and

I remembered

how even
with

for
on the

me, how he had taught

given

of morning

apartment

his

and

perhaps
image

my first

judge,

out
the

And I

absence
grow

his

up,

an

or disappoint.

When I was finished,

the

and

of

be budged,

the

he had

realized,

sounds

cot

size

it

dream,

letters,

basketball

image

his

the

I was thin

weeping,

jailer,

old

strong

now,

across

together,

down that

his

you how much I love

I go.

I awoke
me,

to tell

the

door.
with

dawn was breaking,

growl

of the

I would

need

him again.

and I heard

garbage
to search

trucks,
for

the

first

footsteps
him,

I thought

in

17

c~~
Nie

'E!J'J8t
of Inheritance

Part
II
Chicago

chapter 1
At twenty-one,
I

liked

adventure,

the

of organizing,

that

way.

that

an organizer

Instead,

of

the

though:

job.

did,

I couldn't

country,

come from the top,

implied

know anyone
asked

answer

minions

their

I would say.

making

to my

a living

what

it

was

directly.

Change in the White

out their

and corrupt.

and s~lf-absorbed.
Change will

and

detail

question

were carrying

compliant

manic

heroism

me just

on the need for change.

Change in the congress,

organizer.

There was little

in college

where Reagan and his

mood of the

It

I didn't

When classmates

I 'd pronounce

deeds.
the

sound

to become a community

somehow, and moral rigor.

idea

House,

I decided

dirty

Change in
Change won't

come from a mobilized

grass-roots.
That's

what

communities,

I'll

returning

graduate

school

really

before
its

through

alone

larger

Keith

and

heartily

immediate

fault

black

commend me on my idealism,
business

them their
logic

narrative,

of mailing

in

doubts.

Now, looking

to my decision:

show how it

starting

and farmers

and the

and Frank and Earl

death.
--

communities,

For change.

with

him, my mother and her parents,

beggars

father's

the

a certain

of that

with

work in poor

their

applications.

I can construct

father

would

to

I couldn't

part

I'll

at the grass-roots.

And my friends
before

do.

I can
that

that

see
is

loss

and Sarah,

now that
how it

my father

memories
of Lolo

back,
was a

and his

of Indonesia
to power,

on

my move to New York, my

my choices

were

should

that

be:

never
to

mine
assert

otherwise

is

to

But such

chase

from

salmon

swimming

conception.

books,

and

impulses

in

that

they

made

objective

at

sometimes

night,

drift

I had

towards

slogans
--

felt

the

appears

every

students,

when

away,

never

mostly;

the

more

time,

the

site

to

like

of

his

own
to

extracted

slogans

I tried

theories

amenable

about

on impulse,

conversation,
and

that

for

short,

meant

to

proof,

in

sweltering

some

bed,

would

with

freedom

songs.

such

could.

falsehood)
communities

had

from

something,
subject

to

of

been

is

alone

images,

rights

vote.

prayer

even

a given

me,

this

a
jail

singing

bolstering

in a way that

this

on a

A county

my
words

much understanding
containing

my particular
in

at

convince

together,

for

that

orders

to

trying

a.

of college

town,

a construct,
in

footage

standing

clasped

of

movement,

their

my feelings

also

slogans

SNCC workers

to

hands

the

Month . A pair
placing

register

me (although

I wasn't
never

civil

the

riot.

a form

came later,

that

of

and directing

They told

also

of

History

their

became

containing

romantic

straight,

to

children,

images

images,

Mississippi

sharecroppers

bursting

may have

edge

in

black-and-white

Black

backs

porch

spirits,

They were

February

on the

lying
by

herky-jerk,

counter

of

replaced

grainy,

hair

family

I was

known.

lunch

never

mostly

coffee-shop

falsely

what

At the

confirmation.

Only

past

--

freedom.

later.

upstream,

classes

thinking

of

I was operating

blindly

these

sort

came only

college,

In

up

a sorry

recognition

graduate

dress

after

country,

its

struggles;
at

least

own
that
not

for blacks.

Communities

gardens.
could

had to be created,

They were destroyed

wither

from neglect,

contracted

with

the

by violence,
or blossom

dreams

of

dreams had been large.

the jail-house

songs,

been

just

raised.

membership
because
the

the

had been

admit

that

could
the

the

larger

redefine

uniqueness

every

civil

in the
rights

itself,

months

leading

organization

in the country

with

councils

and tenant's

rights

Socialists.

discouraged;

myself

maybe even save I little

Organizers

house

where

shared

community,
it

you'd

sacrifice,
was earned,
built

black,

might,

a promise
up to

on

white,

over

time,

of redemption.

graduation,

I could think
a progressive

it

of,

I decided

bit.

didn't

to

elected

to neighborhood

Pan-Africanists

a matter

replies,

and
I wasn't

of time.

to change tacks:

work for a year,

I wrote

any black

agenda,

organizations,

was only

success,

more conventional

myself.

the marches,

community becoming

When I got no immediate

I assumed

more month without

or

rights

in the making,

I believed

of organizing:

official

Democratic

civil

membership

was still

they

They expanded
the

through

American

like

of my own life.

That was my idea

And so,

in

or the

And because

community I imagined

promise

colored,

organizing,

earned.

tended

In the sit-ins,

you were born

Through

this

with hope.

I saw the African-American

place

for,

only to be rebuilt;

men . and

movement those

more than

fought

After

two

I would find

pay off my student

loans,

I would need the money later,

I told

make any money.

Their

poverty

was proof

of integrity.
Eventually

a consulting

house

to multinational

corporations

agreed
Like

to hire

a spy behind

Manhattan
Reuters
the

me, as a financial

office

globe,

that

secretly

could

tell

clerk

in the entire

but

later,

they

wished

me well,

that

head.

gonna give

to

like

security

guard

or a

they told

me

When, a year
they

in their
lobby,

all

faces.

was willing

me I was making a mistake.

some kinda

politics,

ain't

it?

Why you

that?"
my political

he said,

views,

my slogans,

But Ike just

"I hope you don't

You don't

it to you anyhow.

But enough.

ladies;

in the

secretarial

in my resignation,

back to the community.

that's

company's

black

as

of shame for me,

company one day.

Forget

gonna
I'm

have to take
about

telling

in you.

Young man like

you could

be one a them announcers

your age making some real

mind if

this

you,

you this
got

on TV.

money there.

it,

the

shook his
I give

you

now, but

I'm

organizing

make some money.

potential

about

those

from across

a messenger

a source
the

the

As far

life.

see the disappointment

explain

of advice.

and do something
understand.

a son,

to

I had turned

That's

of giving

bit

pride

out and tell

"Mr. Barack,"

a little

building,

my mid-

checking

messages

man who wasn't

run the

black

wanna go do somethin
tried

black

but I could

"Organizing?

importance

my alternative

me to

the gruff

to come right

charting
only

emerald

assistant.

day at

terminal,

bright

me like

heard

every

my computer

of considerable

expected

Only Ike,

I arrived

forty-story

They treated

how they

at

and research

blinked

I was the

a source

pool.

enemy lines,
and sat

machine

writer

business

Not greedy,

you

cause

see

a nice

voice

I can
--

hell,

or sales got a nephew

That's

what we need,

see.

Not more folks

can't

help

folks

appreciate

that

something

for

of

here,

all

gonna make it

Folks

on they

make something

around

ain't

you trying.

some way to do it
to

running

that

own.

rhymes and jive.

no how, and they

wanna make it,

What you should

yourself.

After

somebody else.

You

they

gonna find

be doing

that,

won't

is trying

maybe you can

do

How old are you anyway?"

"Twenty-two."
"See there.
morning,
nothing

to show for

much like

organization

in

the

window,

built

sunlight

the

white

into

sculpted

serene.

I waited

director

glanced

at the

director

city.

time;

tired,

with

paisley

with Italian
the exposed

on the

side

over my resume,

tie

brick

the

other

too

and was called

in

of

civil

handsome

chairs

on a bust
smooth,

he sounded

of a prominant

He was a tall,
shirt,

poured

cheeks

Wake up one

you gonna be is

I resumed my search,

was furnished

a bar service

Mr. Barack.

it."

with

in a crisp

pebbled

me, and all

my grandparents.

His office

your youth,

pay Ike much attention

an interview

dressed

waste

an old man like

I didn't

for

Don't

black

man,

and red

suspenders.

and African

sculpture,

walls.

Through the high

Martin

indented

Luther

bronze

of a large

suffering

rights

marble

the

pain

King,

the

eyes wise

and

desk as the
of a new pair

of shoes.
"I

like

it,"

"Particularly

the

of a civil

rights

won't

cut

it

he

said

corporate

finally,
experience.

organization

anymore.

To get

these
got the

setting
That's
days.

the

resume

the

real

Protest

job done,

down.

business

and pickets

we have to

forge

links

-- between

me a glossy

business,

annual

organization's
corporate
That's

report,

board

of

executives.
the

yourself

key to the
come in.

the problem

man like

you.

drugs,

had expected.

international
director

whispered,

here,
clutching

some folks,
next

to world

imagine?"

no use

in

week I was

in meeting

a young

but we have to

organizing

conferences

dialogue,

a figure

twice

Africa,

address.

from all

it.

as high

as I

assistant,

like

Beautiful
plain

about

it.

UN officials.

she

said,

different
black

where

people.

just

Anyway, there
Little

you,

it

the
was

countries,

nig . I got
That's

would

come back from an

"Let me tell
the

on

he called

he paged his

She had just

my arm, "niggers.

dignitaries,

last

Democrat,

spot,

West

a major

lying

As comfortable

woman who showed me where my office

in

acting

like

of HUD, at a White House

Facilitating

dress ... and so dignified!

some folks

ten

partnerships.

Why just

and he mentioned

Representatives-

and

in power "

housing.

had delivered

fabulous.
native

streets.

job on the

conference

the

where young people

I'm a registered

young black

listed

minister

Public-private

a view down Park Avenue.

with

a black

At the end of our interview,

an attractive

He handed

that

He'd be interested

whoevers

salary,

a page

with the Secretary

me the

city."

Self-assured.

on the

Ofcourse

unemployment,

We discussed

--

inner

And that's

guy, Jack.

He offered

be,

are

to work with

to

directors

Educated.

discussing

Terrific

opened

future.

as they

dinner.

the

"You see?

boardrooms

learn

government,

to

say

Not like
it,"

what they
I was,
old me.

in

she
are,

sitting
Can you

I smiled
beaming.
really

and said

"I

can tell

think

you'll

The thought
dinners

--

new-found
the

it
faith.

about

fliers

--

a day,

supervisor

a client

me.

the White House

for
for

in front

my

closer

to

a Ralph Nader offstudents

at City

Then a week passing

-- the candidate

career

long

violated
a job

the minority

in Brooklyn

just

like

cooptation,

A short-ljved

be precise,

berate

offices,

of recycling.
race

did get paid.

to

The plush

to convince

the importance

she said,

fine "

months working

for an assemblyman's

and I never

just

to keep looking,

three

hired

you can,"

person,

of complacency,

I decided
I spent

just

me.

hinted

"Ofcourse

a people

in here

disturbed

up in Harlem,

College

I could.

you're

fit

all

streets.

shoot

that

lost,

as a social

enough

to

of the

woman's

out

worker,

witness

the

head

six-year

old

child.
In six months I was broke,
six

nights

inspiration,

week.
I

Carmichael

The

went

auditorium,

selling

Marxist

literature

place

in history.

Trotsky's
to establish

economic

capitalist

hear

came

soup from a can

when,

Kwame Toure,

in

search

formerly

practical,
needs

two women, one black,

and

arguing

Inside,

ties

At the

asked

given

the

facing

black

of

people
2

each

and Harlem,
end of his

in a halting

state

with

voice

African

in this

of

Stokely
At the

one Asian,
other

Toure was proposing

between Africa

imperialism.

young woman with glasses

immediate

point

eating

of SNCC and Black Power fame, speak at Columbia.

to the

was

low

to

entrance

white

unemployed,

were
about

a program

to circumvent

remarks,

a thin

if such a program
economies

country.

and

the

Toure cut her

-------------------===---

off

in

recieved

that

glowed

makes

inward

for

her

the

auditorium,

only

standing

several

for

brainwashing

sister,

eyes

attitudes.
the

the

impractical,
the

bourgeouis

of

" he

two Marxists

while

began

were

to

you've

said.

a madman or

minutes

People

that

His

eyes

a saint.

The

she was upbraided

file

out.

now shouting

at

Outside
the

top

of

lungs.
"Stalinist

pig!"

"Reformist

bitch!"

It

was like

myself
over

at

an empty

aluminum
died
change

cans.

debris

shopping

removed
to

Or just
myself

Lincoln

Memorial,

off

in the
in

was over,
a thousand

every

strategy

best

from

the

looking

wind,

gathering

to myself.

fragments.

Every

exhausted.

of intentions
daily

It

had

path

to

And with

could

struggles

out

a homeless

distance,

I thought

into

the

the

imagining

each

end up further
of

those

they

serve.
plain

in

the

from work were

I recognized
suit-jackets

my glance

with

down Broadway,

scattering

cart

shattered

those

further

purported

of the

The movement

ago,

even

I wandered

edge

was well-trodden,

defeat,

their

the

pavilion,
his

years

and

a bad dream.

standing

man wheeling

to

it

as he spoke,

woman remained

their

"It

mid-sentence.

crazy.
middle

making
a couple

I suddenly
of

the

a small
of

thrown

realized

street.
arc

People

as they

classmates
over

their

from

passed

*********

I was talking

on their
me by.

Columbia

shoulders,

...

that

in

carefully

way home
I thought
the

crowd,
avoiding

I had all
collect

but given

various

call

graduate

from Jerry

organizing

school

Kellman.

drive

that

that

we meet at a coffee

face

thick,

was heavy

wire-rimmed

on his

shirt.

Jerry

said,

two-day
his

from the

I sat

He

stenographer's

pad.

He shrugged.

"I

anybody

people

find

home.
protests

in his

--

shake

He was a white
a pudgy frame.

behind
set

a pair

in

of

a perpetual

my hand,

with a paper

bit

about

he spilled

napkin.

"Why

myself.

notes

know what

about

in

dog-earred

something."

to

thirties,

become

an

But something.

for the job.

organizer.

The only

Well-adjusted

work."
and told
the product

organizing

"a good excuse

exactly.

a requirement

more hot water

He had started

to

taking

don ' t

decides

late

He

"What do you mean by that?"

more relaxing

He ordered

seemed

him a little

get me wrong -- anger's

reason

a trainee.

over

eyes

"You must be angry

aback.

suit

whiskers:

the stain

nodded,

I was taken

an

want to be an organizer?"

down and told

"Hmmph."

started

week, and suggested

old

booth

dabbing

somebody from Hawaii

Jewish,

to hire

much confidence.

a rumpled

glasses,

some tea
"So,"

inspire

with

As he rose

Don't

he had

shop on Lexington.

wearing

squint.

does

that

and was looking

didn't

man of medium height,

had begun to

-- when I received

he would be in New York the following

His appearance

His

applications

He explained

in Chicago,

said

in fact,

up on organizing

to

in the
skip

me about

himself.

of a broken,
Sixties,

classes",

He was

middle-class

with

the

he said

--

student
and had

ended

up staying

Nebraska.

Blacks

for

the

suburban

midwest.

last

in Philadelphia.

a new organization,

started
and

it

with

whites

He needed

Mexicans

trying

around

somebody

fifteen

to

plan

Farmers

in Chicago.

pull
to

years.

together

bring

to work with

urban

back

him,

He'd

just

blacks

jobs

he said.

in

to

the

Somebody

black.
"The

area

producer

in

the

closed

down.

region

was

churches

where

we operate

country,"

All

he

hit

be

biggest
the

began

plate.

The entire

to

By the

steel

steel-mills

any warning.

business

collection

the

"Then

without

Retail

in the

to

explained.

of them at once,

devastated.

got

used

fold.

way,

The

you a member

of a church?"
I shook
"Most
people

my head.

of our work is with

want

to

institutional
churches
that's
if

they

with

for
latest

the

only

where

the

money is,

have

been

though,

the

won't

do anything

their

collections."
He poured

out

of

the

and

you

shape

they're

That's

where

the

more

hot

the

of

their

if

push

water.

comes
how it

"What

sort

of

in,

the
are,

are

--

even

won't

work

heart.

a special

committee

show them

10

values

class

people

Churches

on Sunday,

justice

can

some

in the

goodness

But

and working
have

of bullshit.

America.

unless

have

where

a sermon

A peace

himself

unions

in a lot

just

Central

they

and that's

a good game --

in

If poor

game in town.

buried

homeless.
war

power,

With

are

talk
the

real

base.

you,

they'll

build

churches.

Oh,

offering

to

protest

the

to

shove,

they

will

do you

increase

know about

Chicago?"
I thought
Jerry

a moment.

shook

"Hog-butcher

his

head.

"The CUbs never

win."

to

the

"The butcheries

world."

closed

a while

ago."

"True."
"America's
Harold
like

most

Washington,

segregated

was just

city,"

elected

said.

mayor,

"A black

and white

man,

people

don't

down in his

book.

it."
Jerry

"So

sipped

you've

surprised
"I

been

smiled

campaign

to

you with

your

Lots

black

atmosphere

in the

is

done."

I leaned
Jerry
question
politician,

back

put
of

the

the

fault,"
even

half

thing

right
city

cleaning
to do,

--

Find

somebody

one

thing,

"And who's

fault

glasses

on and met my stare.

said.

somebody

with

"It

Harold's

ll

a question
talent,

about
in

the

of lakefront

though.

in my seat.

he

you're

who can help

a handful

media

the

a political

support

A big

back

if

no doubt

monolithic

Hispanics,

is polarized.

it,

powerful,

almost

about

"I'm

them with

isn't

issues?

patron

the

said.

back."

in social

He has

About

You' re

getting

glasses,

his

he

him."

And Harold's

charisma.

community.

for

off

A powerful

own career.

career,"

write

that's

for.

something

didn't

and interested

work

liberals.

office

"Well,

of

to work

and took

tie.

wrote

Harold's

gone

His

and black

then

following

tried.

end of his

it.

tea,

you haven't

Jerry

young

his

The

circus.

is

whole

Not much

that?"
"It's
of

can

not

whether
do much

any
to

break
for

the

cycle.

A polarized

a politician.

at his

got to get going.

the

South

But

if

going

Side

where

the

a white

now.

black

have

office.

go up the

we

"Look,

probably
organizer

-- there

no power

work in

can't

either.
you' re

you develop.

are a whole bunch

at

all,

much less

organizers.

organizers."
at ten

thousand

dollar

travel

allowance

the

climate

then

need black

me off

him about

I've

can't

an organizer,

They'll

following

left

check.

Someone who can help

people

to start

As

organizer

you can go anywhere

and I reminded
seat.

a bad thing

With the racial

becoming

you to be one of those

would

for the

Maybe a black

about

with a two thousand

salary
rose,

is,

of the mayor's

He offered
year,

and asked

some training.

trained,

can train

necessarily

my proposition.

serious

need

cities

control

Here's

right

you' re

once you're
of

watch

the way it

to

isn't

Black or white."

He looked

in Chicago

city

year

if

shop,

he

the

first

to buy a car;

things

the appointment
coffee

dollars

worked

the

out.

He

book he had left

asked

me one

on
last

question.
"Have you ever

failed

at anything?"

"Sure."
"Like

what?"

"Well ... I wasn't

good enough to play major college

basketball.

A ~eak jump-shot."
Jerry
organize
fail.

smirked

again.

in your twenties.
That's

"That's
You don't

why you smoke,

right?
12

the

problem

with

know what it's

You think

you're

like

trying

to

to really
immortal."

He held
Barack.
fall

out his arm for a cab.

"Organizing

When you have no experience

back

into

whatever

it

Intelligence.

Good looks.

comfortable.

All the virtues

with failure,

is

that's

The

but it makes you avoid

ability

is about.

Risk.

If you can't

risk.

take

stress

gotten

before.

people

It's

And that's

risks,

by

make

class.

work,
makes you

you

to

of the middle

mechanism,

is stressful

feel

a natural

what this

you won't

work

be much use to

anybody."
After
River

he was gone,

promenade.

to his

irritated

me.

I sat
a black

work.

lamps flickered

the grey waters

too sure

the

considering

woman up to

arm wrapped

boy's

head

The woman shrugged

"Excuse
river

that

had to do with
the

upwards
shoulders

boy,

the

sea.

He sounded
him that

..
when I noticed

and they
a single

in silence

like

changing

her

tides.

and he went back to relay

ll

by

against
until

a question.
towards

me.

"You know why sometimes

sometimes

me and shook

The

side

at the water,

what looked

boldly.

stood

shiloette

and the boy turned

he said

at

leg,

with

way, and then

The woman smiled

probably

stared

her

and

the

about

my options,

railing,

they

me, mister,"

runs

the
her

craned

East

to be her young son approach.

around

Together

towards

was something

of himself

the

to life,

He was smart.

there

woman and what appeared

his

satisfy

Still,

A little

the twilight.

the

park

through

down on a bench,

boy yanked

the

rolled

long way home, along

know what to make of Jerry.

committed

side,

the

The old fluted

a long brown barge

I didn't

I took

it

goes this

head,

and I said

The answer
the

way?"

information

it

seemed to
to his

mother.

As I watched

path,

I thought

river

ran.
A week later,

the two of them head off down the cobblestone

to myself

I loaded

how I had never

noticed

up my car and drove

li

which

to Chicago.

way the

Chapter

I had been
father's

to Chicago

visit

grandmother
United

to
had

States.

--

to

on to

her

Gramps

chose

to

had

presence

west

mostly,

and

stayed

every
in

must
the

swimming

pool,

Hawaii.

Standing

They were

for

of

her

again)

disturbing

my
the

decision
the

triggering

own memories,

at

which

in

and

pass

corridor,

wrinkled

for

and

the
as

as

I saw two
but

in

l.

coast

and across
Lakes

before

Greyhound
the

a motel
but

The

buses,

Watergate

the

the

had

my eyes

At the
heads
size

South

some reason
an

no indoor

I closed

I could.

in

for

motel

were

shrunken

well-preserved,

Great

and

bed.

there

L tracks,

down the

and watched

in July,

me:

time,

Canyon

We took

grey.

loud

Grand

days,

so=et~~e

went

up to the

to

three

impressed

out

then

the

and Maya and

by this

then

Johnson's,

cold

beneath

to

going

been
as

travelling

Yellowstone.

before

days

shouted

east

Howard

Chicago

and my mother

to Seattle,

City,

through

have

remember

down a long

Kansas

night

We were

and

mainland

themselves,

Toot

taste

We flew

to

back

passed,

his

and Disneyland,
Plains

It

the

my

when

connected,

(once

her

we travelled,

lost

heading

Loop.

summer after

birthday,

saw

were

antecedents,

behind.

California

hearings

had made for

reclaim

a month

stay

Great

time

two things

his

was the

grandchildren.

For over
I --

It

my eleventh

was

the

visit

a desire

them

the

it

Perhaps

before.

before

she and my grandfather

her

to

Hawaii,

decided

and my father's
world

once

kept

indoor

pools

in

as a train

Field

Museum,

on display.

of my palms,

their

eyes

and mouths

appeared
like

I stared

away),

feeling

same idea

-- with

had been shrunk

of control.

forlorn,

observe

the

massive

the

neat

another

about

the

flowing

me

of a boy -- as if

little

it

fact

was the
a taking

Europeans

behind

faces

a glass

case,

of the beheaded

pair,

fate.
sort

the

red

pulled

a form of magic,

gruesome

effort

flowing

understand,

building,

labels,

goatee,

Not so much the

It was a different

what I remembered
glass;

joke.

these

of their

who passed;

That's

glee

I could

that

with

my mother

even the descendants

odd.

museum lights,

behind

fact

details

that

morbid

with Lolo,

in this

the

visitors

-- that

the

perhaps

seemed to think

the

female,
(until

of cosmic

tiger-meat

Rather,

where strangers,

harsh

other,

the wordless,

upon some sort

as eating

were here,

the

They

expected.

the man had a small

at them for a long time

I had stumbled
heads

as I would have

extraction:

of a conquistador;

hair.

might

just

to be of European

those

that

sewn shut,

That

no one

of magic,

seeming

these

indifference

of

at control.

Chicago

red hair;

-- the

the

shrunken

L tracks;

the

heads
indoor

swimming pool.
Fourteen
also

in July,

the boats

years

later,

and the

of doves,

white

water.

Jerry

had told

in

and so I was left

search

driving.

appeared

sun sparkled

through

were out of their

wings

days,

the city

of

against

the blue

me that

their
sky,

and

It was

the

trees;

deep green

distant

sails

the deeper

he would be busy

on my own, driving

an apartment

I had bought

moorings,

much prettier.

used

through

furniture,

a map, and followed

the

South

-------

mostly

the

of the

first

Luther

2.

blue

those

but

Martin

like

few
Side
just

King Drive

from

its

northern

to

Grove,

down by-ways

vacant

lots,

and

I remembered.

Central,

bearing

South

so

makeshift

luggage,

old

a gig.

The

before

his

mailman

and

the

this

way I tried

Yet another

faces

sort

on the

third

be an older
was

open

smells

barbershop
conversation

the

Illinois

and

Land.

I made

from
mail

glasses

a chain,

people's

of the

emerge

the

in front

delivering

with

and

their

standing

Wright,

other

women

Canaan's

Duke or Ella

so

banter,
at

by Smitty's

on the

card-table

door

was

of hair

laughter

black
and

And as

clutching

to

girl

rope.

I passed

and
The

of men's

see

little

possession

store-front

manicurist.

sound

day,

chairs

barbershop

take

men

lapels,

Richard

borrowing

of

and

and

between

my

memories.

city,

make it

In

my own.

of magic.

by-thirty-foot
barber's

skipping

to

to

the

I saw,

way

and wide

saw was

sold;

Sarah,

life

suit

homes.

rail-cars,

their

Cottage

who had come up from

black

the

up

buildings

whistle

thousands

of

waiting

book

was

apartment

the

making

Theatre,

first

pig-tails

all

soot

in a baggy

Regal

the

the

before;

the

back

and bungalow-style

of the

years

from

Frank,

then

past

stores

weight

many

dirty

of the

alleys,

point,

I remembered

the

children,

pictured

southern

convenience

I dro~e,

the

its

took
of

once

sports
intimate

Park,

LaTisha,

the

part-time

walked

in,

the

with

the

open

and hum of slow

when

fans.

slender

seat,

soon

a fifteen-

Hyde

and antisceptic

man, grey-haired,
I

of

for

propped

cream

edge

Barbershop,

mingling
Smitty

turned

and stooped.
joining

in

anonimous,

four

out

to

His chair
the

and women and yesterday's

and

with

among

familiar
headlines,

men

who've

agreed

to leave

their

troubles

Somebody had just

the

at the

street

"Vrydolyak
" the

disgust.
about

in

bed with

man with

tries

call

it

all

reverse

"Man, that's
power,

they

newspaper

started

some black

is,

time

newspapers

familiarity,

parlors;

displayed

Harold

shaking
didn't

his

head

in

nobody say nothin

Hall.

just

the

rules

acting

like

But the minute

to even things

out,

man gets

into

on him."
it was black

till

the

next

people

was everywhere:
still

glued
of the

prominantly

folks

that

paper?"

he's

doing,

talked

about

normally

dry
the

Chicago's

reserved

walls

to lamposts
Korean

of shoe

from the
cleaners

world,

for

last

Just

mayor,

like

with

a relative.

repairs

His

campaign;

even

that

portrait

looked

handsome,

face,

the

bushy

eyebrows

in

stores,

some protective

wall,

_and beauty

and Arab grocery

From the barbershop

grizzled

though.

election."

on the

to

man's

knows what

an affection,

windows

the

know when to

Whenever a black

from the white

how black

That's

picture

into

whole mess."

"You right.
his

don't

said,

people,

is.

and change

"What you expect

biding

out

and

racism ... "

gonna try

this

neighbor

cousin,

buck naked,

up in City

how it always

"Worse part

wife's

of them crackers

them Irish

to hire

his

to politics.

rest
the

about

his

knife,

turned

and the

a story

"When Old Man Daley was mayor,

Harold's

the

telling

of a kitchen
talk

him putting

they

caught

point

when the

quit,

finished

man had been

chased

outside.

totem.

down on me now: the

and

mustache,

the

mirthful

twinkle

picture,

and asked

told

in

this

city,"

just

what

in

Democratic

the

Sell

of

hair

the

men
the

the
I

he means

we'd

to

always

their

but

be

reward

my lap
as

as

vote

a precinct
the

Machine

for

mayor

once

before,

told

me,

the

of

unity

doubts

that

white

time

press
cats

the

played
don't

to

be

up the

had

Vrydolyak
candidate,

were

ready.

income

tax

to

state

the

the

of

black

Harold

had
stuck

failed

to pay

him

every

minute

when

announced
the

bid

They had
he'd

behind

that

men

a source

But

rallied

saying

the

after

within

damn thing

others,

vote."

and

--

on every

and

the

shortly

White

and successful

overcome.

people

cheat

They

Republican

lack

straight

captain

with

came

turkey.

listened

break

had

the

them with
I

Police

committeemen

a Christmas

and we'd

years

and

faltered

and this

the

for

housing.

had

committemen,
for

up

said.

"A plantation.

worst

candidacy

lives.").

Democratic

said.

black

line

into

his

Smitty

so-called

soul

newspaper

the

him when the

the

fell

He had run
died,

again,

support

at

election.

what
like

the

The

all

our

eventual

Daley

("Like

seemed

jobs.

faces,

rise:

his

community,

with

the

understand

too,"

was,

we'd

in our

Congress.

tried

during

man with

But when the

Harold's

legislator;

it
worst

ticket.

Clumps

shame,

to

Harold,

the

time,

spitting

elder

me looking

head.

Harold

"Before

rampant.

recall

in Chicago
his

politics,"

election

folks

noticed

citizens."

people

around

been

before

he said.

"That's

brutality

Smitty

He nodded

"Plantation

Black

eyes.

I'd

be here

second-class

of

if

him I hadn't.
"Had to

for

the

city

white
their

would

go

to hell

a black

with

on election

night,

mayor.

They had turned

ministers

out in record

and gang-bangers,

numbers

men and women, young

and old.
And their
Harold

faith

won, let

like

the

People

me tell

day Joe

just

three,

morning,

it

knocked

we were

From a distance,

had shared

in that
team that

different

about

reading

He'd

here,

time of insults,
they've
that.

been

they

happen
talk

stop,

the

to recall

newspapers

entire

the moment,
in New York,

fielded

a black

quarterback.

But something

was

there

was a fervor

took

in Chicago;
black

but

for granted,

if
that

same assumption.

I could.

I tried

the barbershop
spell

would

also

burns

I could

Would they

me? I wondered.
into

he could

of ambitions

myself

voice

to understand,

man who still

ambitions,

how the

in Smitty's

Had to be here

I asked

if Gramps walked
would

inward

and the

any

an older

knew more about

a whisper,

.. "

for

tried.

men had made the

day of my life

next

I rooted

of foiled

I assumed,

get to

same way that

here

in my shoes,

and I, we couldn't

of

in the

this;

meant

proud

pride,

seemed to go beyond politics.

said.

were

When I woke up the

almost

the minds turned

It was

Same feeling.

They

the most beautiful

the pride.

football

Harold.

"The night

streets.

Schmelling.

but my wife

into

said,

ran the

so excited.

had fallen

room began to smile,

Smitty

just

out

of

inside,

seemed like

His voice

rewarded.
people

proud

I stayed

bed until

you,

Louis

weren't

themselves.

had been

feel

be broken;

he had

have

meant

from a life-

abandoned
truly
Seeing
the

to imagine
at that

that

before

understand
me, these
same way if
what would

moment, how the

the

different

assumptions

at work.

The thought
to

see

made me suddenly

Smitty's

reflection

hairs

around

my ear,

sight

of him at

in the

work returned

with my heredity,

concerned

with

his.

We didn't

have beaten
under his

him as a child;
trousers.

the

other.
ease.

to myself,

I knew,

He wasn't

anymore than
other's

Smitty's

knew certain

corners

I was

private

father

the old man might be wearing

We never

the

Somehow, the

need to know each

For all

up

He was snipping

me to my former

I thought

to work together.

and I looked

mirror.

one hand steadying

concerned

history

self-conscious,

might

panty-hose

of another

man's

handy-work,

then

heart .
Smitty
pulled
for

off

the

me the

mirror

my smock and brushed

history

"Hey,
name,

handed

lesson,"

that

part's

to

off

I said,
free.

check

his

the back of my shirt.

standing

Haircut's

"Thanks

up.
ten

dollars.

What's

your

Barack,

you

anyway?"
"Barack."
"Barack,

should
awful

huh.

You a Muslim?

"Grandfather

was.

He took

money and

the

come back a little

raggedy

I.ate
apartment

sooner

when you walked

that

afternoon,

building

for not helping

shook

settled,

next

time.

"Well,
Your hair

was looking

in."

Jerry

and we headed

me get

my hand.

picked
south

on the

but explained
2

me up
I-94.
that

in

front

of

my

He apologized
he had been busy

trying

to

ne9otiate

evening.

Governor's

At Seventy-first,

and swung his

ramp.

the

car

We got off

he suggested

across

side,

Vrydolyak's

and white

stretched

"The old Wisconsin

the

skeleton

of the
that
of

or detail.

brutal

fence,

up along

rotting

metal

ward,

until

passing

we arrived

The building

at

industrial

without

past,

much attention

beast.

a spotted,

one wall.

On the

mangy cat

ran

Somewhere inside

to

expressed

to

was empty and rust-stained,

prehistoric

falling

Skyway entrance

of Chicago's

rammed together

of some great,

cropped

the car.

spirit

Only now it

chain-link

houses,

detour,

plant."

over and stopped

beams and concrete

the

that

out over many blocks.

steel

some of the functional,

comfort

clapboard

rally

a quick

in the southeast

factory,

metal

we take
onto

a massive

pulled

the

lanes

grey

Jerry

at

several

rows of faded
old

appearance

the

ground,

like

other

side

the

weeds

over

I heard

an

the clang

echo

through

the

Jerry

wheeled

the

shadows.
We sat
car

and listened

around.

said

"All

quietly.

living

them didn't
sees

kinds

"Black,

in the

welfare.'

The black

get

And these

him.

Brothers

white,

and sisters

Hispanic.

street,

guy, he figures
are

the

All working

But outside

to do with

down the

until

used to work in that

of lives.

anything

walking

silence,

of people

same kind
want

a black

to the

church

each

plant,

thinking

white

people

most of

The white

guy

crime'

or

is racist,

I'm

he

the same jobs,

other.

he's
every

the

plant,"

talking

out to
about.

in Christ."

We came to a stoplight,

and I noticed

a group

of young white

men in their
drinking
they

undershirts,

beer.

I turned

their

said,
back."

found

in the

He began
people

their

fear

of

their

sense

of having

labor

required

could

begin

losing

Jerry

it

meaning

somewhere

in his

"It's

going

here,"

Jerry

unions

involved,

program

for
life,
to

have real

power if

in

want

anger

he

of a pension,

the two years

point,

and -redirect
the

fancy

him,

it

of

where people
their

anger

investment

to

bankers

Listening

suits.
we'd just

was a shrine

left

of

to

carried

sorts;

that

he too had been betrayed.

a while

"Ten years,

to

rebuild

minimum.

manufacturing
But once

have the base to negotiate

In the
people

meantime,

we just

some short-term
at the rally

something.
they'll

in themselves

was twilight

shared

out

to this

Something

just

with

the

the all

the

need to

tonight.

stop
Like

It's

the
this

not much --

to existing

to show people

work together.

out

we get

victories.

job bank to match the unemployed

But it's

It

cheated

the plant

be announcing

the area.

them believe

the

they

shame of unemployment,

to me that
that

Not if

He described

lobbyists

take

we'll

and give

a computerized

their

each other,

the

said.

we'll

me about

-- with the corporations,

power brokers.

hemorrage,

to tell

been betrayed.

occured

a larger

major

any choice.

a home or being

pushers,

talk,

have

he met --

to recognize

and paper

sat

"So what makes you think

to get the organization

where it belonged

where they

now?"

"They don't

jobs

at me from a stoop

back to Jerry.

can work together

Jerry

had

staring

Something

jobs
that

in

they

to help

... "

by the

time

we crossed

the

city

line

and

pulled

into

the

parking

lot

of

people

had already

begun to arrive

black

man

cleric's

in

auditorium,

and

president

Dan said,

short,

Santa

Claus.

you.

Thought

introduced

reddish

pumping

beard

greeted

us

him

Deacon

as

where

A barrel-chested
the

maybe Jerry

peeked

just

inside

my hand

and

door

of

the

Dan Lee,

co-

smiling

and round cheeks,

"We been wondering

Jerry

school,

organization.

"Welcome,"
With his

suburban

for the rally.

collar

Jerry

of the

a large

when we'd

broadly.

he reminded

actually

get

me of
to meet

made you up."

the

"So

auditorium.

how's

turn-out

looking?"
"Good so
Governor's
here

far.

people

getting

called

a breath

A young black
he was needed
company.

Everybody

of fresh

and Jerry
the

a job as an executive

He had risen

fast,

the

suits,

car,

the

said,
than

badly
God's

look

in debt.

another

out

the

about

trappings

that

and keep

wend their

After

Jerry

Dan

way through
himself.

He

the war,

he had

Illinois

Bank.

of the work --

downtown office.

It

way of telling
for

I stay

at Continental

enjoying

Then the bank reorganized,

shaken,

quota.

I'm just

way.

me a little

in Vietnam.

trainee

he said,
the

and buses

to tell

served

their

came up to tell

suggested

cars

Dan started

had grown up in Chicago,

found

be making

air."

woman named Adrienne

inside,

lot.,

to

to say he was on his

As we watched

the parking

seems

job

and he'd
was the

been laid

turning

point

him to get his values

in banking,

he turned

off,

leaving

in his

life,

straight.
to

Christ.

him
he

Rather
He

joined

st.

and took

Catherine's
a job

happy with his

according
spread
the

on the

janitor

there.

His wife

still

adjusting,"

as the
decision

-- "She's

to Dan, the ascetic

Far South

life-style

the Good News, and puncture

Side

suited

of the

wasn't

city,

entirely

he said

-- but

his new mission:

some of the hypocrisy

to

he saw in

church.
"A lot

class

of black

attitudes,"

letter

folks

of scripture,

unwelcome.

They look

clothes

Christ

trying

about

Took his message

"Do they

collar

be ordained
Bible

they

make them

they're
that.

involved

is he?

The downtrodden.
class

them what they

Negroes

don't

feel

wearing
So we've

with

He preached

the

Instead

so why put themselves

middle

Dan chuckled.

they

the spirit.

hurting,

and all

follow

the
had a

organizing.
out.

Well,

a social

gospel.

And that's

exactly

whenever

I stand

up

want to hear."

listen?

I wear.

priests,'

comfortable,

some of these

as long as they

our people

comfort,

mixed up in middle

funny unless

proper

to the weak.

on Sunday ... ! tell

"No,"

at people
talk

get

need to follow

who are

to get

they're

ain't

what I tell

people

to mass,

heck of a time
They figure

to

church

"Think that

they don't

out

right

in the

Dan said.

of reaching

the

parish,

"But that

That really
tell

doesn't
talking

me.

gets

about

just

me.

cause

St.
to let

from.
ll

Paul didn't
people

It's
'Collars

I'm married

have a calling.

collars.

So I go ahead and wear a collar

stop

some of em mad.

But see,

mean I don't

don't

Ain't

like
are

this
for

and can't
nothing

in

wear no collar.

know where I'm coming

"In

fact,

I wore a collar

cardinal

Bernadin

about

tonight.

Everyone

was real

when I called

the

we understood
not rules
was

a month back.

'Joe'

was cool.

of God.

raised

See,

Baptist.

God happened

to send me.
of

just

it.

instead

him to

of

joined

as easy.

St.

man.

Catholic
a

I could

others

whether

tell

of men,

church,

Catherine's

more about

than

But

Methodist

And He cares

helping

got upset

again rules

I'm in the

rally

'Your Holiness.

rules

Could ve

the

Then they

a spiritual

these

Barack,

whatever,

business

It's

To get

about

He's

each other.

Pentacostal,

the

uptight

Cardinal

you know, Bernadin

when some of us went to meet with

but
church,

is just

whether

I'm

where

I 'm about

straight

on my

catechisms."
I nodded,
didn't

go to

Muslim

school,

school,

the

during

pray,

didn't

teacher
studies.

happened.

two years

at

tell

to close

wasn't

change how I felt

was like

descended.

look
inside.

closing
the

maybe a third

Muslim

concerned.

Be

when it came time to

Just

a parched

Sometimes

that

at

I made faces

peek around

my lids

I felt

that

My family

the

then

words.

forced

In

overly

school,

my eyes,

muttering

school.

my mother

In the Catholic

stern

o'clock,

I had spent

a Catholic

to

No angels

me, and her

in all,

In Indonesia,

My mother

brown children,

Dan; my silence

people

was.

wrote

she said.

By seven

not to ask what a catechism

two years

I would pretend

Nothing

catch

church.

Koranic

respectful,

thirty

deciding

the

room.

old nun and

the

back shut.

nun would
But that

way now, listening

to

my eyes ..

auditorium

was

of them blacks

ll

filled,
bused

two thousand
in from the city.

A choir
the

sang two gospel

churches

songs

represented,

explained

the

procession

of speakers

history

and
then

legislator,

and finally

the Governor,

working

who offered

the

convention

carefully

balanced,
the

or

into

boisterous

from the

stage.

recognized
laid-off

solemn pledge

of support

efforts

on behalf

on special

brown faces,

together
driving

of the

late

his

give everybody

a seat

the

--

their

model cars

or relative

drivers,

weight,

men and
shopped

faith

white,

populist

if you could

and mass media and bureaucracy,

at the table,

then ordinary

and

understood

in the
that

at

and ate at

I better

confidence

was

had described

In the rows of black,

his

church:

from Detroit

I thought

program

itself.

their

as Jerry

and truck

as I looked

of

as a friend

seeming

like

the

Still,

names

watch

solidarity;

away the politicians

flat,

crowd was enjoying

secretaries

in one place,
Jerry,

match

They appeared

occasions.

and working-class

clear

the

and didn't

a bit

chance.

cheers

drove big,

Red Lobster

to

bearing

steelworkers,

or K-Mart,

vision

left

banners

women who smoked a lot

just

legislator
Bernadin,

came of

I saw that

others

impulse

a black

and Cardinal

TV wrestling

nothing

auditorium,

broke

event

bright

the

his

suburbs

organization.

stage:

his tireless

entire

Some hoisted

Sears

from the

the

minister

of all

men and women of Illinois.

political

them:

of

mounted the

a Baptist

a roll-call

Lutheran

mission

bank and recited

To my mind

around

Dan took

and a white

and a white

for the jobs

before

people

could

making

their

and
find

common ground.
At the

end

of

the

rally,

as
13

people

were

way

towards

of

the

I found myself

exits,

indeterminate

herself
glad

we are

then

to say,

and the

woman smiled

tooth.

"I'm sorry,"
towards

weary eyes

she said,

the

and a rich,

last

does,"

"Don't

Margaret

get me wrong,"
got nothing

"I've

so far

you can trust

the

taking

voice.

Loretta

leaving.

"Sure

Loretta
against

said

As I watched

the

said,
Jerry.

getting

not sure.

"Let's

in a suddenly

just

depart

Margaret

front

Yvonne.
with

is Margaret

She

worldBagby.

her voice
But the

still

lowered

fact

is,

there's

"Uhm-hum."
cheery

voice,

"I think

our

Soon."

leisurely

some complaints?"
Anything

say that

you working

-- Loretta

and Yvonne busy

bringing

up the rear

me.

I should

people

with

she asked.
be worried

have been waiting

organizer."

"Aren't

"I'm

do have to talk.

threesome

came up beside

"Already

a gold

Margaret.

away in the front,

Adrienne

"This

her.

him."

But we really

do,"

show off

to

laughed.

said

a black

know how

Margaret?"

"Well,"

"I'm

"You don't

and heavy-set,

and shook her head.

chatting

women

introduced

woman next
to

Yvonne grimaced

bus is

black

hair,

my hand,

woman, dark

gravelly

he look clean-cut,

"Sure

only

over

whispered

my hand,

pitch.

orange-tinted

don't,"

offered

Doesn't

leaned

by three

to see you."

"You really

gestured

One, with

age.

as Loretta,

surrounded

them?"
14

about?"
a long time

for

"Me?" Adrienne
help

Jerry

set

and running,

be looking

wrong with

"Let me tell

"I just

With the
some real

work,

a real

you.

it.

I agreed

As soon it's

The hours
She started

hope you're

over,

the pay is low,

to walk away, then turned

a fast

Jerry

are long,

learner."

decided

it

and handed me a long list

was time

of people

for

find

self-interest,

people's

involved

something

out

something

was.

I liked

in organizing:
of

it.

[issues,

this

part.

There

phone,

as images of Gramp's

feeling

that

of messages

evening,
parents
get
to

home visits,
with

dinner
get

the

children

on or off
television

at

left

lack

of

interviews
I felt

selling
the

other

people

table,

turned

will

get

me what

It

bespoke

that

politics,

proved

most

the

struggled
down.

with

Sometimes

up the

mind:

line,

a full

harried

difficult

into

Most appointments
after

not

I picked

crept

end of the

tired

a certain

sentiment;

whenever

seemed especially
the

they

tell

insurance

unreturned.
the

think

why people

power)

resistance

waited

I was to

That's

would

of self-interest.

up the

was the

they

interviews

worldly

Setting

impatience

because

action,

concept

hard-headedness,
religion.

The

he said.

me to do

to interview

who had not yet been contacted.

become

up

job."

members of our churches

out these

to

organizing?"

you."

rally

but that's

for

you, Barack.

and nobody appreciates

and added,

"Uh-uh . no thank

up the new program,

I'll

"What's

laughed.

the

the

empty

were in the
day's

as they
pajamas
I arrived

work
tried

to

or shouted
only

to

find

that

the

person

have to remind
behind

a half-opened

I found

lawn.

their

people

a do-nothing

didn't

and after

from

that

air

they

or

so,

that

is,

opinions,
to mow his

go down my list

I would

had suffered

Until,

their

who refused

I would dutifully

a half-hour

relieved

to

Once overcome,

thank

my prying,

I talked

of

them for
satisfied

over my progress

Jerry.
"This

report.

Mr.

Brooks,"

Jerry

said,

pointing

"You say he used to work at Ryerson

him what he thought

of the

union?"

"No, we didn't

really

get

"Does his

work?"

"I think
he was laid

wife
so.

I think

"I'm
"It

into

to my first
Steel.

written

Did you ask

that."

she went back into

the workforce

after

off."

"How does he feel

public

logistics.

or the neighbor

in hand,

with what I had learned.

with

eyed me suspiciously

mind a chance

alderman

With notebook

time,

and I would

door.

were minor difficulties;

that

questions,

our appointment,

them of who I was as they

But these

about

had forgotten

about

that?"

not sure."
says

here

school.

that

he's

Catholic,

but he sends

his

kids

to a

Why's that?"

"Well . "
Jerry
more fully.
but you're

put the

report

"Listen,"
still

down and let

he finally

scratching

the

said,
surface.

me appreciate
"some of this
It's

like

my ignorance
stuff
you're

is ok,
taking

a survey.

If

away from
that

the

makes

you want

organize

periphery

and go towards

them

relationships

tick.

questions.
that

you

to

Brooks

And it's

interviews

seems
the

did

get

have

Maybe share

Mr.

why.

Otherwise,

you need

"To do that

these

listen

more

week,

steer

The stuff

form

the

kind

ask

tougher

carefully,
At this

good

you need

you do this

to

of

involved.

a pretty

why that

need

centers.

never

more of yourself.
like

you

their

you'll

them

to

people,

to

guy,

point,

but

find

out

you know

you don't
about.

know

How many

anyway?"

"Ten."
"You need
them.

With

least

do more.

occured

to me that

me feel

stupid.

listen

harder.

conversations,

created

for

memories

of that

sight
had

of

began

Jerry

might

enclaves

of

Chicago's

and

light

parents
their

assembly

lines;

drivers,

teachers

raised

self-contained

heat

followed

to

black

most

of their

scheduled

themes.

to had been

cramped

absence

should

recurring

I was talking
the

you

to

become

systematic

be able

to

get

possess

a special

about

through

at

a week."

making

in

You have

some practice,

twenty
It

to

but

discover

further

and

into

life

such

workers,
17

or on the

they

jobs
taking

people

had

fond
the

that,

the

--

in the

had

remembered

in physical

work,

my

West Side,

people

also

breathe

in

covenants

The

but

many more had found

and social

most of the

history.

to

to

that

restrictive

space

tried

currents

north

that

out

interviews,

for

deeper

I learned

world;

grinding

parents

more

gift

and

labor.
steel

A few
mills

as mail-carriers,
advantage

of the

or
bus
more

---------------

rigorous

enforcement

of

anti-discrimination

laws

in

the

public

sector.
These
about

jobs

had benefits,

mortgage.

legislation,

they

previously
because
they

insisted,

small

yards

the

began

stores

drifting

for their

children;

as I listened

for

such parallels
that

been

inescapable

difference

remembered,

as if

threaded
cropped

to

in

set

images

reverse.

dandelions

In

these

from innocent

over

in

less

five

years.
In these

sure

than

stories,

to be anger
In fact,

six

months;

entire

wherever

black

find

Invariably,

me.

and

though,

what

parents

neighborhoods

signs

flew through

could

Entire

carefully

for-sale
Stones

or

was an

and

had been

and white

and

my mind

there

was hearing

games.

with

on the coffee
For

under a summer sun.

calling

whites,

of hardship

stories,

of anxious

not

could.

as I sipped

the

Side
with

I would

of my childhood

voices

indoors

they

better.

what

in

were better

-- the stories

windows and the strained

children

the schools

down before

housing

a time,
South

think

were affordable,

stories,

nodding

between

the

run

up like

something

to myself,

had

there

because

to these

at

Far

to

fair

in mingling

because

of my own family

drive

one

of the

the houses

security

newly-passed

homes,

and maybe just

back those

soda-pop

buy

enough

interested

but because

the

with

neighborhoods

cheaper;

migration,

to

were necessarily

Often,

kept

And armed

all-white
they

provided

be heard,

blocks

turned

in less

met, the result

than

was

and grief.

a lingering

bitterness

did remain

from this

period.

The stores
main

and banks

thoroughfares

still,

did

looked

back on the

a measure

they

had

education

It
entered
came by

something
their

to

that

others

so

often

who still

of tne

asking

lived

within

did,

the

younger,

less

couldn't

always

usually

empty.

People

venture

forth

by foot:

screen

doors

could

afford

sell

they

that

had formed

a certain

a cousin
or

disquiet

or sibling
an

adult

who
child,

the

white-collar

the

better

of loss

--

moved in,

the

their

them from the night;

and retire
li

elaborate

payments

leafy

or

parks

hesitant

to

wrought-iron

they wondered
to

wave of

sink back into

were up, the ample,

in

In their

newcomers who

mortgage

who might eventually

invested

these

second

and the projects,

a loss

of those

were to move away.

began to spend more time inside,

at

their

and into

families

they

filled

college

Car thefts

to protect
to

pictures

success

to keep up with

had led.

maybe a

Even the

they

maintenance:

of two

home.

neighborhoods

afford

in periodic
they

stable

they

They had kept

money:

an element

more likely

from poorer

life

it

future

for

at

or

did too.

They would mention

every

strength

streets;

their

migrants

invest

the

ten

out,

car-notes,

on.

spoke

harbored

place,

retire
off

who had made through

children

and

was when they

voice.

had turned

On the
notes

declined.

homes for

whose graduation

children

to make sure

unemployed,

world

house

causing

had

in their

way things

for the children

homes up and kept

clubs

off

customers,

services

of satisfaction.

paid

mantle-pieces,

white

City

years

college

children

decompose.

who had now lived

incomes,

block

their

people

so with

the

to

with

as the

fifteen

the

had left

a warmer

if they
climate,

perhaps

move back

So that
and

women

progress,

families

the

for

themselves

not

even

who swagged
teenage

it

collective

was

this

excessive

that

they'd

mirrored

spotless

"People
keep

rolls,
loud

potato

the

from

congregations
to

block

progress

thin

had

kids

chips

down the

in

of

crying

--

all

they'd

soil;

their

the

that

of

found
it

might

carpets

and
shore

some people
through

Washington
do.'TI there

are

up their

homes.

spoken

men took

In

a belief

would

Roseland
Heights
just

in

plastic

the

lamp

and

all

of

it,

one

things

see

bar

women kept

when

had

a
me

You can

see

things

like

the
over

saw
in

fact

"I try

right.

can,"
to

In

well-stocked
lava

the

rally.

the

acting

of

of

that

start

rougher.

some
the

the

that

explained

You didn't

for

before

with

sofas.
up

advancement,

accounted

basements,

protective

to

individual

thought

In the

only

driving

some of
in

effort
if

neighboring

--

sense,

that

pride

walls.

changed,

streets

Dan when we had

build

determined

down the

rooted

dual

agitating

the

church

them

they

The boarded-up

aging

tumbling

own

more ominous

itself.

wrappers

men

their

community

the

told

of

another,

the

feeding

these

lifetime.

decline,

attitudes

least,

girls

truths,

their

with

reproducing

was ephemeral,

last

And

at

store-fronts,

painful

evidence

were colored

discarded

whispered

of accomplishment

irrefutable

in was not

boys,

toddlers,

they

the

sense

collectively,

decaying

teenage

avoid

deserved

despite

that

the

their

South.

the

so heavily

unknown

it

despite
felt,

--

invested

of

the

our conversations

strain

homes,

to

woman
one

it
that

to
from

evening.
in

the

way

when the

whites

still

lived

there."

Distinctions

between

neighborhoods,

then blocks,

among neighbors

within

a block;

attempts

decay,

effort

to avoid

the

a feeble

their

implications

cruder

I noticed,

habits

of her

kitchen,

right

So did

the

blocks

away,

parties.

though.

control

the

of such decay

neighbors

next

to the

The woman so concerned

--

trying

she had a picture

sampler

young man who lived

of the

in the

for

of themselves.

st i 11 held

in common:~n

I threw
it

offer

down my report

a few
at dance

had given

was something

they

k&_ ..ra.+-

of joint

on Jerry's

redemption.

desk,

and took

a seat

as he

through.

"Better,"

he said

"Better?

That's

"Yeah,
abstract.
activate

when he was finished.

it?"

better.

You're

There's

nothing

these

if he ever

worried

people's

organization,
"I'm

in here

starting

about
psyches

ever
not

starting

to listen.
that

tells

But it's

still

me what's

going

too
to

people."

The man was truly

probing

in

Psalm.

records

the election

Harold

O<ka....
,..,.,.,~ .fl. '"'s- Ii~,

of Harold

apartment

to make ends meet by mixing

a new idea

with the

Twenty-third

crumbling

As with the men in the barbershop,

them both

read

off,

finally

own lives.
One thing

her

to cordon

then

felt

a poet,

to get

becoming
and gaining
manipulative.

Barack.

on my nerves.

too calculating:
their

trust,

He sighed.

I'm an organizer."

I asked
if

just

the

him

idea

of

to build

an

What did that

I had to admit
idea

mean?

that

what might

I left

Jerry

was right

move people

Harlean

Jones,

as an office

manager

in the

about

her teenage

boy who was starting

mentioned

signs

Darrell's

friends

of

it

had no

wasn't

until

woman who worked

that

increased

an opportunity

Darrell,

gang activity

own house.
church

son,

to have trouble

had been shot

of his
at her

suburbs,

Later,

I still

In fact
thoughtful

northern

mood.

one thing:

action.

a stocky,

diffident

mothers

in a foul

itself.

We were talking

in front

about

into

I interviewed

seemed to present

the office

just

at school,
in the

a last

about

One of

she said,
but

their

but

when she

area.

week,

The boy was alright,

were now worried

a bright

right

a number of

own children's

safety.
My ears
the next
not

had perked

up; this

few days I had Harlean

only

shared

her

lackluster

police

suggested

that

we

meeting,

agreed,

as

mentioned

that

let

about

was a Baptist

there

and that

It took me a week of phone calls

"Well,

let

me tell

reached

it

over

police

concerns

on the

there,

who

over
with

of

the

Jerry,

be known.
one

church

to his

parents,

commander

publicity,

the pastor

to make an announcement

but when I did finally

area

Over

frustration

talking

these

we talked

boy had been shot,

be willing

to

the

self-interest.

me to other

expressed

After

invite

like

introduced
but

response.

neighborhood
and

fears,

sounded

to

Everyone
the

block

women

where

a Rev. Gibson,

the

might

congregation.

to get a hold of Rev. Gibson,

him, his

response

you, Mr. Obama," he said,

seemed promising.

"I do believe

you are

heaven

sent.

You see,

ministerial
social

I happen

alliance

gospel.

churches

Can't

am I right?

to be the
coming

save a man's

soul

Now with a minister's

of our area's

together

if his

schedule,

belly

it's

preach

hard to be out in

are there.

We would love to have a young man with some energy

with

said.

Early

impressive
pair

next

white

of

gloves

the

big

day,

elms.

fronted

Two young

met me in the

foyer

room, where ten or twelve

circle.

A particularly

"You must
Gibson.

be

Brother

You're

just

We all

sat

in prayer.
drive

After

at

nerves,

his

I talked

told

them about

for

them

to

about

step

cooperation

Just

he

the

men stood

said,

as I passed

out

the

the

last

the

start
-

"Rev.

in the

a tall,

area,

"With

--

my

out flyers

"we can take

of issues

led us

Suppressing

and passed

neighborhood
flyers,

me.

of a food

congregations.

on a whole host
back into

in a loose

my hand.

gang activity

warming up to my subject,

jobs

gowns and

came to greet

floor.

we had planned,
their

to start."

had announced

increased

in

behind

and one of the pastors

me the

an

conference

talking

taking

about

white

a large

gentleman

-- we're

Gibson

distribute

bringing

black

a long table,

the meeting

I said,

schools,

older

he offered

leadership,"
towards

and showed me to

in time

church,

in

he had

church,

and nestled

women dressed

Obama,"

Rev.

Heaven sent,

by pillars

come

tomorrow."

at Rev. Gibson's

distinguished

around

meeting

of excitement.

I arrived

building

But we know the problems

us at our regular

I hung up the phone full

the

is grumbling,

all

new ideas

you understand.

to

the streets

in and share

the time,

president

your

a first

fixing

... "
light-skinned

the

man enterred

the room.

large

cross

gold

straightened

against

Rev. Gibson

Sampson, you just

said.

a meeting

Rev.
flyer.

his

double-breasted

scarlet

tie.

suit
His

and a

hair

was

and swept back in a pompadour.

"Brother

organize

He wore a dark,

young man, Brother

about

the

the

recent

himself

Communities

"Developing

Communities ... "

something

or

connected

to the

I told

to

gang shooting."
a cup of coffee

and perused
he asked

the

me.

Project."
His brow knotted.

man coming around talking

other.

presentation,"

Obama, has a plan

name of your organization?"

"Developing

remember some white

an excellent

"This

Sampson poured

"What's

missed

Funny

looking

"I

about

guy.

think

some Developing

Jewish

name.

You

Catholics?"

him that

some of the Catholic

churches

in the area were

involved.
"That's
leaned

right,

back in his

I remember now."
chair.

well

pack up and get

this

round
"I ...

us.
racists.

on out of here.

white

man that

We don't

coffee

and

he might

as

need nothing

like

"

... what's

you may mean well.

Jewish

that

on his

here."

"Listen

to join

"I told

He sipped

up with
organizers

Shoot,

the

your

name again?

I'm sure

you do.

a bunch of white
to solve
Archdiocese

Always has been.

Obamba?

Listen,

But the last

thing

money and Catholic

our problems.
in this
White folks

They're
city

is

Obamba,
we need is

churches

and

not interested

in

run

come in here

by stone,

cold

thinking

they

best

know what's

educated
they

brothers

want

that's

for

to

us,

like

do is

stammered

addressing

that

It's

here

the

know any better,

all

a political

had

always

taken

but Rev. Sampson just

the

"Things

have changed

mayor.

district

police

commander

beat

cop.

The aldermen

empowerment.

in this

area

own people?

Anybody sitting

around

city

Eugene,

you just

getting

that

permit

to me sometime,

"Well,
agenda."

across

on t..~e ..rong

the
side

there,

went on to discuss
the

street.

few of the

others

said,

thanked

He's

just

me on the

cau.se.

All

of the

batt:e."

"let's

line

alderman

trying

to

about

"Don't

Thanksgiving

coming.

is

that

next

Rev.

on

right

part

on a spit,
service

up,

come talk

who are working

I':ci saying

broke

We need

You should

a pig

his

to help."

shoulder.

move on to the
like

meeting

me for

on at our

Rev. Gibson cleared

area.

roasting

When the

the

you to people

a joint

to black

got a direct

to

head.

he was a

I know you mean well.

introduce

Rev. Gibson
I sat

Al.

out with the

pla.n for

since

committed

table

in

lot?

Like I said,

and I'll

lead

with the new

and carrying

talk

and patted

to help

a comprehensive

pastors

new round here,

me now.

some young blood

now you're

this

your parking

Sampson smiled

misunderstand

the

didn't
for

"The man's
Rev.

all

of the room had grown quiet.

The rest
throat.

are

Why we need to be protesting

hall.

and

shook his

he said.

known the

and all
thing,

"You don t understand,"

I've

college-

is about."

church

issues,

of high-talkin,

who don't

over.

group

community

a bunch

yourself

take

not what this

I

hiring

of

as the

in the park
Gibson

and a

"Don't

take

be a little
left

strong

with

their

people

empty

community
couple
the

with

passively

on stage,

attendance

about

himself

in the

this

hand on my shoulder.
It

did.

and pointed
general

instead.

Every

for the

He helped

to

carefully

-- and set

more time

community;

"That

the

up;

flyers

reminds

I should

out fewer chairs.

cultivating
alone

in,

me," he said

an older
most of

Harlean

lecture

sat

those

in

pull

choosing

a seat

for

he came up and put a

then

took

me out

The problem
--

issues

people

as we stood

the

coffee
was too

had to be made
Harlean

Most important,
with

for

of gangs

have prepared

relationships
couldn't

huh?"

on people

winnable.

sending

discipline.

shit,

me clean

rows of

I spent

while

Afterwards,

like

disaster.

few minutes

policeman

walked

room.

to make an impression

on us,

Bingo game.

out some of my mistakes.

specific,

me they were out

among the

upstairs,

Jerry

"Feels

concrete,

spend

cancelled

parental

through,
of the

to call

which was a small

commander

traffic

inadequate

rear

kept telling

randomly

listening

About half-way

none of them

when I tried

scattered

looking

directing

week,

our meeting,

officer

would walk in,

that

"He can

day.

The pol ice

relations

evening

the

showed up,

chairs.

in the

secretaries

gone for

We went forward
Thirteen

But I noticed

and later

back,

office,

one of them advised.

sometimes."

my flyers;

the ministers
of the

Al too seriously,"

more

I needed
leaders

out on a rainy

up to go.

to

in the
night.

"What ever

happened

it's

to

those

pastors

I told

him about

a good

thing

I wasn't

Rev.

warn

you Chicago's

you,"

That's

Who happens

to

be black.

just

be glad

You should
Yes,
back

to

but
the

day
the

auditorium,

there

black

of

robe

swallowed

each

image

churches,

counter.
eyes

memories;

of

to

white

of the

factory's

we all

end

of

away,

Smitty's

and

brown

a small,

cautiously

smiling

world.

I thought

voice

in the

faces

desolation

Dan,

the

drive

of

own

a collar.

early."

cardinal,

bear-hug;

their

lesson

Jerry

sound

to

in

the

and Jerry's

unassuming

man in

on

stage

as

Dan

so certain

that

the

two

other.
it's

own lesson,

faiths

the

were

to

were

to

the

partial,

we each

remain

own foolish
27

There

were

the

crowd

at

the

fragmentary.
in our
locked

magic.

each

were many

--

students

but

our

men.

converge

same words,

own masters;
clung

seemed

to myself;

For there

as there

memorial,

moments

I thought

interpretation.

as numerous

we uttered
our

it

"I told

with

the

you're

black,

Lincoln

such

use

not

Sampson?"

glasses.

a politician

it's

the

to differing

the

But

closed,

prayed

rally:

when those

of

--

Watching

the

many faiths,

front

is

you learned

carried

perhaps,

politicians

Anyway,

glasses,

image was subject

in

Sampson

him up in a big

Each

times,

and that

"Guess

huh?"

his

said,

with?"

laugh.

cleaning

betrayal;

men understand

along,

to

Jerry

because

and

He started

me about

the

rows

be meeting

you warn

lesson?

of

to

"Why didn't

all

which

barbershop;

own sense

tag

polarized,

advantage.

suppose

Sampson.

I didn't

amused.

"I did

you were

lunch

With

hearts
in

our

we each
our

own

A man like
that

the men in the barbershop

election
hear

-- their

victory

their

problems

that

devious
Jerry
in

Sampson understood

white

aldermen,

and

didn't

were

that

that

that

He understood

redemption

in politics,
man's

like
certainty

of Harold's

they would not want to

more complicated

their

one

I thought.

want the victory

-- qualified;

and Sampson knew that

certainty,

that,

than

a group

was incomplete.
religion,
always

of
Both

power lay
threatened

another's.
I realized
in the

South

heretic:
more than

then,
Side

standing

of Chicago,

for even a heretic

the

truth

of his

in an empty McDonald's
that

I was a heretic.

must believe
own doubt.

in something

parking

lot

Worse than
-- if nothing

- ------------------------------

-------

chapter 3
The

Altgeld

southern-most

edge

apartments
in

although

it

not

its

wasn't

--

a sanctified

banks

of

silent

But

strangely
gills.

People
Then,

to

the

Lake Calumet

elevation

for

could

be seen

from

sending

their

distance,
the

And to
District's

the

north,

sewage

the

plant

mile;

as

maintained
hastily-planted

up the

part
a long

wall

of

saplings

if

that

refused

into

the

could

darkening

were
their

expressway,

Midwest,
compact
dirt

into

the

highest

green

trucks

roads,
the

was

like

cratered

toys
pit,

flight.
the

street,

The people
vats

the

of Altgeld
that

covered

effort,

around

you

had to.
of

beautification
earth

where

project,

behind

monentary

open-air

the

lumps

winding
loads

of

and

in the

across

the

its

well-tended

waters

side

fill's

plant.

of

of the

those

they

largest

directly

nor

if

other

into

treatment

itself,

short,

swam

eyes

their

gulls

irony

lazily

Day and night,

dropping

hovering

the

a place

that

only

the

around.

chugging

for

south

lines

cataract

on the

landfill,

miles

River,

bass

catch

east,

just

fishing

and
with

ate

shutters.

Gardens'

something

trees

Calumet

trout

discolored,

fresh,

of

men flick

the

mock

I considered

the

cinder-block

grimy
'the

at

earth.

the

the

sat

of two-story,

as

that

something

was a grove

water.

of

Complex

and

to

later

there

see

a series

referred

until

evocation

sometimes

see

area

Housing

doors

True,
along

the

city,

army-green

the

unsullied

Public

of the

with

Everybody

name,

Gardens

the

the

facility,

to grow year

Sanitary
couldn't
close
District

dotted
after

to

year,

with
like

hairs

swept

across

could

do nothing

varied

in

seeping

through

about

strength

the

century,
the

the

everyone

jobs

the

that

gone,

and

practical,

could
those

a matter

that

the

wind,

and
they

industrial

heyday

to

Altgeld

them
could

out
had

taking

of efficiencies,

everyone
close

to

it

pay

of want.

for

to continue

it

offal

was part
the

Now that
left,

one of

in the

because
to

already

It

had borne

planet,

willing

shut.

that
For

had moved there

were

were

landscape.

recreate.

on the

they

that

smell

temperature

surrounding

lift

putrid

uninhabited

People
price

they

empty,

densities

of factories.

said

how tight

hoped

miles

industrial

bargain,

paying
were

one

the

no matter

the

officials

a heavy,

--

on

the

of

But

head.

smell

toxins,

few square

highest

of scores
of

the

the
the

the

windows

flip-side

remembered,

man's

depending

the

The stench,
was

a bald

high-

the

jobs

seemed

only

using

the

land

as

a dump.
A dump,

and

a place

physical

isolation,

projects

a common history

decent
such

housing

prevented
Housing

away

the

Robert

stairwells
frequent

the

-poor;

poor

and
than

It
the

urine-stained

rain.

Altgeld's

the

blacks.

Unique

with

dreams

of

politics

the

that

had
the

there;

living

patronage

trough;

wasn't

as bad as the

Cabrini

Greens,

lobbies
occupancy

and
rate

with
random
held

in

city's

reformers

neighborhoods;
from

and neglect.
and

poor
shared

the

white

as

Taylors

house

Gardens

from

working

Authority

mismanagement
the

the

for

housing

to

its
other

to

build

concentrated
policies

the
the

use

of

yet,

ink-black

shootings
steady

the

subsequent

high-rises
their

that

more

at ninety

percent,

and

often

than

not

a patterned
hanging
the

if

find

cloth
on the

crumbled.

for

backed

lawns,

now stewn

half-buried,

up.

pleasure

in

of

the

the

Dan,

St.

school.

their

started

to

open

that

left

expressed

the

branded

the
--

burst,
small,

tilted,
crews

any

time

generations

had
soon,

were

Children
there

and
brown

broken,

happen

had

But

my car

all

all
I'd
now,

born

who could

was a certain

front

of Our Lady

towards

the

of whom belonged

to

in

and

been

West

Pullman;

taught

at

talking

scheduled
as

rear

some of our key leadership

who

something

in

building

to meet

woman

door,

about
Ceilings

Pipes

and that

brick

Catherine's

Loretta;

minds.

hand.

would

up --

Yvonne,

They

everything

The CHA maintenance

and stopped

white

changing

calender

--

decay.

I was there

especially

more

touches

disrepair.

Eventually,

a flat

and

Green,

planters

repairs

used

130th

church,

the

flower

ruins.

up the

in at

project,

--

of a home or a garden.

were

dark-haired

e:e~entary

in

otherwise.

Margaret,

cr~iet,

scene

of

tracks

old

that

dream

representing

state

loose

excavated

development.

Loretta,

empty

speeding

Gardens

beach

would

small

an old

or Cabrini

Muddy tire

things

I turned

you

with

upholstery,

tropical

came

with

the

that

torn

Taylor

pretending

even

well-kept,

a perpetual

knobs

like
even

see

its

in

and no one expected

only

over

apartments,

of home.

seemed

toilets

the

apartments

thrown

Door

without

inside

as in Robert

Gardens

stopped

the

idea

Still,

went

wall

lingering

the

you

the

I turned
stopped

St.

about

off

the

me short.

--

Our Lady;
Cathy,

Catherine's
quitting

meeting

of

in hope
engine

the
of
and

The view

perhaps:
in

the

the

car,

resolve.
life,

choking
my eyes

I felt
only

grey

the

of getting

desolation,

a young man who's

his

first

suddenly

out I just
trying

dreamed

commission

was an ocean,

Altgeld

Instead

scanning

like

to find

sky.

to

seen

for

gather

of sailing

is on a sinking
what it

sat

all

his

ship.

is,

hard

and

meeting

in

unforgiving.
It

had been

August,

two months

and things

me to work with

the

botched

police

had gone from bad to worse.

the

churches

happen,"

he had told

effect.

There

The days

simply

unanswered

since

me --

in the
but

city

nothing

had been no marches,

ran

together,

phone calls,

"Just

I did

had assigned
make something

seemed

no sit-ins,

without

shrugs

--

Jerry

to have

no freedom

coherence,

of indifference,

any

songs.

a chronical

tedium,

of

stress,

and

my own incompetence.
Part
had never

of the problem
been

neighborhoods,
priests.
descent,
intention
lacked
perhaps
decade
trampled
their

large:

was our base,

ten

with

all

The priests

Catholic

black

were

the

the zealousness
better

isolated

or more they
under

the

memberships

members met with

poor

and healing
missionary

also

softer

had watched
stampede
cut

in

suspicion

flung

their

their

by the

dark

at least,

across
all

and Irish

in the Sixties
racial

their
sermons

flight:
efforts
faces

several

led by white

of Slavic

with

the

but

who

wounds,

forefathers:

for

of white

half,

but

men, mostly

t~e se~inary

of their

men, but

parishes

congregations,

men who had enterred

of serving

which in the city,

kinder

modernity.

For a

of Christian
they
at
--

men,

love

had witnessed
recruiting
mostly

new

Baptist,

Methodist,

Pentacostal

had joined

organizing

only

stop

the

"The truth
kitchen,

to get

nobody's

service

could

really

seminarians

all

also

it

them

would not

re-energize

their

But that

hope had

to them they had already

priests

told

The only

me as we sat

to replace

reason

me.

was the place

make

of us out
I'm

still

in his

here

are

around

is

You know, when I got out of

to be

where religion

difference.

want to be in the big,

say I blame them.

that

game on TV, "most

a transfer.

inner-city

They

disappointments.

a Bears

the

--

but

church.

had convinced

own spirits.

one of the

willing

Jerry

I went to talk

to their

is,"

watching

seminary,

their

By the time

their

isolation

decline,

and rekindle

themselves

because

this

neighborhood's

been fragile.
resigned

mainly

would break

own parishes,

that

who now surrounded

the organization

that

looking

--

Now,

the

younger

suburbanparishes.

They look at us older

and

I can't

guys out here

and we look

worn out."
The priest
shaking

had taken

as he brought

with a drinker's

a deep drag

the

tobacco

meloncholy.

organization,

and he listened

few minutes

out of the corner

he promised
month.

to

keep

But there

I would hear

of his
his

has been reduced

dampen the

illusions

priests

his

an overweight
for revamping

checking

the

score

hand
man
the
every

and when I was finished,

to

the

to his

organization

promise,

I spoke to;

to a certain

of others.

lips:

eye;

dues
air

cigarette,

him my plans

politely,

was an ironic

whose faith

to his

I told

paying

from the other

from his

tact,

every

the

same tone

the tone

of people

an unwillingness

to

Morale
success

wasn't

ultimately

with

Loretta,

made to

them

juggling

the

Gate,

in Altgeld
corridor

project's

west

on block

of

shows
of

the

opinion
three

their
of

usual

to

again.

He's

bunch

of bored

with

a hand
a

countess,

goodbye

church,

just

why it

was to
girl,

11

But,"

"i::

Altgeld,

Girl

~r.
hello

area

was

roll

their
would

she would

pause

Right
Monte

comes
Carlo.

her
along,
11

as

would
with

and raising

children

that

troops
cause.

did

and
Since

to

cigarette
then

what

they

ask
did.

on cue.
Yvonne,

to
say,

nothing
for

low

sometimes

if

about

Barack,

there,

an unabashadly

say

"Barack'

wo~en,

time

I would

eyes,

the

cooperative

Scout

they

And Yvonne

look."

of

held

that

in Golden
around

imaginable

neighbors,

Loretta

and here
hip

every

the

merrily.

that

bony

organizing

in

lived

of their

parade

for

None of

in a town-house

the

by

ventures,

curled

most

meet

married).

that

spent

advising

middle-aged

on her

they

housing

chuckle

our tine.

bungalows

public

out,

got

and Margaret

met

I had

ends

business

(Loretta

homeowners

response

"Watch
Margaret

and

them

small

I had

to be spirited,

make

was still

fund-raisers

other

of

Their

but

the

and

jobs,

whom

promise

them

to

Yvonne lived

that),

through

fashion

while

the

managed

upon

rally,

Margaret

small

scolding,

wandered

the

of

side,

west

mothering,

proper

the

I found

rally.

somehow

(only

lay-people,

fulfilling

of part-time

payments

most

who

the
after

Yvonne,

of the

an assortment

lived

among
Shortly

and

night

women,

child-support

better

depended.

Margaret

good-humored

them

much

causing

interview
"We're

to
watch

just

better

effect,
her

you

to do

throwing
lips
out!

like
It's

-:?~'though,
that

all

I heard

Jerry

Jerry

favored

didn't

the

listen

they

Jerry

legislature

had

suburbs,

to

director

and her

suppose

to begin,

the

data

entry

with their
didn't

pay

the

that

the

program,

computer

system

the

computers

still

with

after

weren't

errors;

from

out

in

the
the

processors,

program

was

the
fully

people

or were sent

money

and data

we

out to be a

university

But two months

was plagued

new job bank that

but which had turned

a state

names misspelled,

operational:

recieved

to interview

resumes

to jobs that

exist.
Jerry

had been beside

with various

university

They would
budget
walk

smile

into

well-paid,
simple

funding

across

to get some answers.

talk

After

about
these

preparing
visits,

briefcare

the

he would

to the floor,

forehead.
to himself.

degrees,

and they

"These people
can't

operate

are
one

program."

As far
and it

couldn't

cycle.

his

Fancy

The women from our

somewhere,

to

he would mutter

you know.

frustrations.

trying

and throw his battered

running

fucking

For days on end, he would meet

and nod and want

the office

"Never again,"

himself.

administrators,

for next year's

deep furrows

they

the

to

staff.
the

They complained

about

fanfare,

directly

for

They complained

suggestions.

planned

had gone

complaints.

churches.

complained

with such

had announced
As

suburban

to their

Most of all,

bust.

from them were

Lady had no sympathy

as they

wasn't

understand

were

in their

concerned,
neighborhoods.

why he

hadn't

hired

for

Jerry,

$500,000

or his
had gone

In particular,
them

to

run

the

program

in the

organization

first

place

--

people

and were in need of jobs

job bank became yet more evidence

to push a secret
getting

who had worked hard

the

was never

agenda;

jobs

far

that

just

that

Jerry

the

For them,

the

had used them somehow

that

out in the suburbs,

blacks

had been promised.

from the

"Jerry's

themselves.

for

white

people

The race

w~re

element

surface.

looking

out

for

his

own people,"

they

had

grumbled.
In all

this,

a mediator,
to

defending

Jerry

that

brokering

her

grant

out here.
money.

out the words,

thinking

you' re

worrying

about

Patronage,
were all

just
Big,

Not leaders.

with the right

"We' re suppose

like

suggesting
tempers

words

(still

such

the

other

do-nothing
operation,
Clients.

Jerry

to be building
fiefdom.

and

power

If Loretta

so-called

community

staffs.

Lots of federal

with

a bunch of clients

To be serviced."
"Jesus,

He spat

it makes you sick

it "

seeing

the still-fretful

to

do this

whether
politics,

of a piece

than

would somehow subside.

as if they were unclean.

going

soothing

me, "not some welfare

A patronage

about

And then,
"If

be

as an organizer
of racism,

tact,

mistrust

my time.

we'd

to be serviced.

just

the

that

less

charges

more

hoping

he would tell
way,

against

cultivate

I was wasting

organizations
block

he

in words!)

out here,"
had

Jerry

cease-fires,

confidence
thought

I had ended up serving

people
hurt

to Jerry,

look on my face,

work,
like

Barack,
you.

feelings,
distractions

you've

he added,

got

to

stop

They won't."
racial

grievances

from his

larger

-- they
idea,

corrupting
bring

influences

in

some

replenish

our

in a righteous

of

the

ranks,

he had asked

a meeting

with

month
day,

to

set

phases

in

at
the

Irishman

the

treasurer

Negotiate

on

two

husky

along

with

during

the

the

city

with

new technology

hourly

needed

Throughout
metal

the

would
it

him for

one

the

of
him

with

energy

the

late

few

over

that

union,

only

new

the

make the
the

prolong

men,

the

his

the

banks

to

could

agony.

plant

provide

union

officials

The treasurer

wandered

off

to

off

~ith

of union

members

got
discuss
who had

the

steps.

buy-out.
tax

loans
invest

competitive

The

If

bold

and

to

sat

business,

a worker

be used

union

pitch.

some new,
for

--

we all

utility

The secretary
a couple

reform

steel-making

a plan

Pressure

handsome

of

made

had to take

concessionary

a young,

introductions,

telephone.
chances

go with

taken

black

Jerry

for

chairs.

--

of the

and develop

monologue,

folding

in

a promise

the

out

wage cuts,

to

local

and

get

jobs,

transition.

when combined

in their

table,
to

churches

the

After

folding

to preserve

with

would

One day

company,

elected

the

they

to

campaign.

and wage concessions

down with

the

recently

was preparing

Sit

about

been

corporation

had

and he was brimming

of

a long

wanted

It

president

hall,

to

LTV Steel,

the

down around

union

shore.

city.

trying

that

and myself

the

and vice-president.

he said,

into

from

clip

organizing

who'd

entered

meeting,

a rapid

Eventually

Loretta

in

He was still

convinced

ship

officials

operations

up the

talking

our

Dan,

union

steel

then,

deliver

September,

remaining

unions

cause.

rates
which,

in the

again.
shifted
up to
the
just

around

answer

Bears'
walked

the
playin.

Finally

the

president

stood

merited

further

interesting,
had

to

focus

offer.

on making

In the

parking

"They're

not

disbelief.

They hadn't
impassive,
of

the

turned

to
"I

for

didn't
I

difficulty

suppose
of what

it

bankruptcy,

its

particularly

concerned

own

economy.
black

that

In the

to pull
Loretta

neighborhoods,

faces

As I pulled

out

Loretta

shut

had

its

Loretta's
of keeping
she

that

.l.Q.

she

the

hand me

filing

Nor
talking

was

this:

LTV plant

understood

despair

more than

for

was

she

for

our

she

had

to

her

as props.

the

blue-collar

the

all

of

would

plant.

the

enormity

LTV's

remark

and

though,

later,

discussing

down

abstract,

understood

and the

months

functioned

of

truly

understood

and Dan had

immediate

their

though,

off,

had done

manufacturing

Dan and Loretta.

was saying."

Jerry

the

in

a cliff."

meeting,

home,

that

newspaper,
to

relevance

In
of

then

had tried

meaning

the

plight.

importance

she

real

doubt

them

head

assessment.

was

decision

his

be elsewhere.

drive

from the

that

come to

entire

union

stunned.

towards
for

were

management's

shaking

worse

was she who, several

clipped

the

rather

ideas

now the

about

running

a word Jerry

Jerry

an article

No,

the

his

looked

said,

I felt

I knew that

on;

delegation;

he

her

it

miscalculation.

was letting

Jerry

to

understand

right

afterwards,

Jerry.

lot

that

decision

who'd

parking

that

immediate

a word throughout
people

Jerry

but

of lemmings

me and offered

And

his

lot

badly

like
union

an

a bunch

said

study,

interested,"

"Like

I had felt

up and told

work

the
to

was mounting
LTV

plant

open

the

long-term
regional

in Chicago's
meant

little

Organizing
in

the

with

plants

the

unions

keep

their

chronically

unemployed

worker

skills

with

teach

the
In

black

now,

scabs;
jobs

that

became

unfortunate

past,

Loretta,
It

infinitely

more

suburbs

while

climbed

the

dream.

It

It

blacks
going

ladder

into

I looked

more

at

any

notions

hadn't
was

aside.

class

able

to

and

long-standing,

their

fancy

part

was

the

of

an

someone

alive

with

and

force

solidarity.
move out

why more

desk-jobs

unemployment

with

But for

now,

of

patronage

as

history

good;

college

in

on as

patronage

battle

away,

here,

been

still

Loretta's
spat

was

and

in her

It
into

blacks
the

the

hadn't
American

neighborhood

was

more desparate.

Altgeld.
my watch;

delaying

and rang

world,

why the

explained

explained

in

than

her

for

best

bankers

present;

wouldn't

It

before

do

differences

the

it

the

folks.

of the

to

set

help

then

days

eagerness

now best

was

the

more widespread,

church

real

why more

explained

point

an atavism

determined

out

of the

or compute.
black

in the

such

else;

unions,

investment

wish

past

kept

rolls

might

different

from the

his

bank

read

been

who remained

the

something

for

offer,

the

to

the

malignant.

to

In

brokers,

wanted

had

barred

had

A job

different

it

dent

how to

who had been

word.

power
Jerry

like

was

as

Machine

a dirty

suits,

drop-out

parents,

the

downtown

find

it

few blacks

wouldn't

and experience

just

her

it

the

soon.

who had been

for

help

any time

words,

grandparents,

jobs;

teen-age

other

different

might

the
the

it

was now five

inevitable,

door-bell.

I thought.
A secretary
11

minutes

past

I walked
answered,

four.
up to
and told

No
the
me

the

leaders

there,

were waiting

in the

in an empty classroom,

pot.

They averted

deliver

their

an unfavorable
"Sorry

adjoining

huddled

I'm late."

I poured myself
looked

a group

than

of young boys,
of

what

no older

appeared

to

tossing

stones

to their

jackets

up, the boys looked

"So . " I said,

about

been

into

It

this

show for

for

it.

over

around

have

making promises

eight

and took a seat

or ten,

like

Outside,

had wandered

apartment,

windows.

in

and were

With the hoods

miniature

monks.

" ... what's

all

this

cup and shook her head.

to do with
truth

two years
just

is,

you.
we're

now.
doesn't

against

You're
just

seem like

"I'm

probably

tired.

Two years,

We've

and nothing
it's

worth

to

it

to

"You need to give

it

the wall."

the room at the others.

time,

Barack,

to our people,

We need something

I fidgeted

gripped

to

I said.

"We don't

something

But the

our heads

I looked
more time,"

her coffee

I mean . it

keep beating

to happen.

about

out on the street.

back to Loretta,

has nothing

organizer.
at

a jury

some coffee

at the boarded-up

turning

stared

Barack.

terrific

like

coffee-

quitting?"

Loretta
sorry,

in,

be an abandoned

casually

talk

an electric

them

verdict.

by one of the high windows that

front

around

eyes as I walked

I found

school.

with panic,

Yvonne said.

and then

just

"We can't

waiting

keep

for something

now."

with the plastic

to say.

11

Words jumbled

coffee-stirrer,
in my head,

as if I were participating

trying

to think

of

and for a moment I was

in some fundamental

tragedy,

something

helpless

to stop.

at Jerry

for messing

myself

before,

back

in

Hawaii,

a logic

gave way to anger:

up, at the leaders

I could

logic,

for being

somehow bridge

the

the

I became angry

short-sighted;

at

gap between

them.

with Frank that

day

Gramps

I was

had

evening

told

years

me of

my

fears.

That's

the

way it

is,

Frank

had told

You might

me then.

as

get use to it.

In my peevish

were still

them

mood, I looked

gathered
had

windows,

there,

started

yanking

like

landscape,

joining

at

the

The other

you all

quit,"

me ask you something.

The boys

piece

I said,

nailed

A few

over

the

to the ground,

a small

boys began to laugh.

A part

tearing

one end to the other,

"Before

ply-wood

and fell

them,

window.

of the empty apartment.

and one of them stumbled

me felt

kids

back out the

in front

wedge of wood in his hands.

of

own intractable

remembered my conversation

grandmother's

of

its

Then the panic

for believing

I suddenly

well

with

apart

the

by piece.

pointing

What do you suppose

whole

To hell

dying

with

out at the boys,

it.
"let

is gonna happen to those

out there?"
"Barack "
"No, I'm just

asking

The same way most of the

trying

to

figure

guys

planning

The gangs?"
own.

"Look,

to

you a question.
folks

out here

out what

is going

leave

to

I could
I didn't

it

hear

the

my voice

come here
il

You say you're

are

to happen
alderman?

tired.

So I'm

to those

kids.

The social

rising,

a voice

because

I needed

tired.

You

workers?

not entirely
a job.

just

my

I came

here

because

Jerry

told

were

serious

about

changing

what's

happened

committed

I'll

is going

I stopped

as surprised

to quit

yet

wouldn't

backfire.

other

close

after

you to quit.

trying

to read

though

me

After

their

none of them
ground;

that

though,

my play
I had no

moved on down the

more coffee.

of

boys out there."

moment,

outside

we'll

a year

I was on precarious

particular

and

I want you to tell

at my outburst,

The boys

now,

street.

what seemed like

ten

Dan spoke up.

"I don't
this

we got

to those

who
care

then

one to advise

at each of them,

At that

Yvonne went to get herself

about

has happened

I knew that

here

enough to any of them to be sure

hand to play.

minutes,

I'm

now, then

here

I don't

are problems,

first

to happen

as me.

I wasn't

If there

be the

They seemed surprised

faces.

some people

neighborhoods.

anything

looked

were

I know that

you.

are planning

what you think

Again

their

think

with me, then

there

past.

with

If you don't

But if you all

were

the

to working

fix them.
working

in

me that

know about

the rest

same old mess long enough.

problems.

make something
I nodded
"Things

That's
happen.

why he hired
Ain't

I told

that

That was then.

Barack,

right,

we've

talked

Jerry

knows

to work with

us to

Barack."

cautiously.
still

bad out here.

I wanna know," he said,

from here

of you, but I think

Ain't

turning

nothing

to me, "is

gone away.
what are

So what

we gonna do

on out."
him the

Dan smiled,

truth.

"I don't

and I sensed

that
li

know.

the crisis

You tell

me."

had passed,

at least

for the time being.

need to research

We spent

more immediate

ways to get their

fellow

of the meeting,

pretty

Margaret.
"Well,

"I appreciate

that,

As grateful

as

existence

income taxes,
research,

wasn't

discovered,

reefer

Don't

She laughed.

continued

state

was

they violated

for

Dan's

At the

Seems like

end

you

them about

of Scripture,

or their
if

you

once,

He shook his
they

the

concluded,

Earth")

own

to smoke
want us to

, and was prone

to walk

Whenever

church,

Dan,

on his

God didn't

their

our

pay any

He liked

were boring.

materialism,

that

on him.

based

of Rights.

with members of his

their

idea

that

He didn't

work ("If

he decided

listened

head.

by

that."

confidence

had depended

having

choice

"they'd

of

eccentric.

the Bill

to do interviews

nobody."

do appreciate

vote

comforted

of a day's

that

tell

I sure

ve put on this

up lecturing

Everything

Margaret.

or federal,

out on any meetings

suggested

and

arm.

Barack.

I won't

as an organization

he wouldn't'

"Maybe

the

have a clue."

I promise

entirely

at the conclusion

him along

me by the

good,

was .. well ... a bit

that

smoke it,

problem,

members more involved.

that

meeting

about

doing."

"I don't,

I'd

church

hour talking
to the jobs

came up and took

know what you're

solutions

Margaret

"You handled

afternoon,

the next half

I took

he would end

incorrect

readings

of law-n fertilizer.
to

people

a little

more,

Dan,"

be more responsive."
11

I do listen

say is wrong."

to em.

That's

the problem.

After
"These

our

hincty

nothin,"

black

in Altgeld,

folks

he decided.

have to take
st.

meeting

it

people

"If

to the

Catherine's

inside

though,
the

church

we wanna get

streets."

in immediate

said:

these

a meeting

hosted

street-corner
and talk

people

about

their

along

us stood

out

remained

to

first,

corner

first,
slowly,

towards

the growing

circle.

Dan began to explain

sitting

bout
at the

"Well,

all

were jobless

comfortable

he

attending

conduct

a series

meet on neutral

the

kitchen

to

of

turf,

St.

autumn wind,

watching

of low clouds.
drawn down the

shirts

leaves

y'all

of
the

The street
rows of brick

one or two at a
or wind breakers,

on the

Catherine's

"we wanna get

things

any

the three

When the gathering

that

discourage
for distribution

began to emerge,

gold

and that
all

many of the

A week later,

men in flannel

the brittle

neighbors

most of

be targeting,

a flyer

late

shades

people

through

effort,

while

church

unwilling

a strip

the

women in hair-nets,

organizing

could

but

in the

edge behind

Then,

that

we should

to the church.

shuffling

so,

church,

Dan and Cathy prepare

closest

empty at

bungalows.
time,

at

on the

sun beginning

we gonna

common concerns.

I helped

the block

done,

we should

where people

I was skeptical
initiative,

something

might not feel

by a foreign

meetings,

gonna do

of the

These were the people

and because

never

middle-class,

vicinity

and struggling.

a new idea.

ain't

He explained

members were comfortably

who lived

Dan had

sidewalk,

edging

numbered twenty
was part

folks

complain

of a larger

talking
about

or

to their

when you' re

table."

I can say

is,

it's
16

about

time,"

one woman said.

For almost

an hour,

stop-signs

and abandoned

announced

that

we would

of st.

Catherine's

basement
following
still

month.

behind

talked,

lots.

As the afternoon

begin

to

about

hold

every other

Walking

us,

on old news.

people

back to

a murmur in the

Dan turned

potholes

and sewers,

fell

similar

to dusk,

meetings

Tuesday night,

the

church,

fading

light,

Dan

in

the

starting

I heard

the

the
crowd

people

catching

on three,

four,

up

to me and grinned.

"Told you."
We repeated
blocks

--

these

Dan at the

street-corner
center

CUbs jacket,

Cathy with

the

By the

crowd.

group
than

of close

with

her

time

meetings,
his

sign-in

priest's
sheets,

we moved the

to thirty

people,

collar

prepared

and Chicago

circling

meetings

five

the

indoors,

to work for

edges

of

we had a
little

more

a cup of coffee.
It

church

was before
boiler

and gauges

room one early

and a constant

he had erected
lamp,

stacks

always,
study

such an indoor

after

office

of newspaper
center

his

of the

work around

"Tonight's

He pulled
agenda.

setting

up for

Surrounded

--

out with

agenda

earplugs,

and notepads,

an open Bible

church

by pipes

a wooden table

and pencils

table,

out his

that

and a
and

he would

was done.
for

tonight?"

I shouted.

earplugs.

You want to review

"Naw, we got it under

- she's

of sorts

the

I found Dan in the

he screened

clippings

"You want to go over the

"What?"

that

November evening.
hum that

a small

in the

meeting

control.

the meeting
17

it?"

Why don't
right

now."

you check on Cathy -

He turned
corridors

back to his book,

that

and I wandered

led to the big meeting

hall.

up the

chairs

and made a pot

neatly

printed

on a sheet

of butcher-block

me while

she

She

waved

adjoining

at

kitchen

for

sugar

of coffee;

through

Cathy had already

the

evening's

paper

searched

a series

cupboard

set

agenda

taped

of

was

to the wall.
in

the

small

and creamer.

"Need any help?"

"Can you reach
I pulled

down the

how her daughter

"She's

this?"
sugar

was doing.

ok.

from the

top

shelf,

and I asked

her

She shrugged.

The doctor's

bills

are

a little

high,

but we'll

manage."

Cathy

had

two daughters,

younger

one had a mild physical

to walk

and required

Cathy

never

herself

mentioned

town,

part

would

never

of a big,
learn

They had dated

to her again,

details

secretly,

early

that

she didn't

like

and pieces,

--

beached

in a world

her family

man left,

she knew little

and two manila-hued

over the

family.

daughters,

of,

course

unable

of

Indiana

Somehow -man there.

refused

to speak

where they bought

and Cathy
without

and

much~ about

she had met a black

were married;

One day the

difficult

she had grown up in a small

Irish

The

was absent,

to talk

and the newlyweds moved to Chicago,

house.

teens.

made it

The father

working-class

the

a small

she had known.

that

their

disability

Only in bits

would I learn

in

therapy.

him --

or her past.

many months,

house

regular

both

found

anything

to return

herself
but

the

to the world

Sometimes,

seeing

easy parallels
all

its

in my mind,

possible

carve

out

Cathy with
imagining

loneliness.

a life

for

neighbors

may have gossiped,

but after

Cathy's

solicitude,

helping

functions,
limits

left,

her fix

to how far they could

married

that

she

--

that

ones

daughters,

she

West

With nothing

private
left

me scribble

with

managed

she

may have secretly

a leaking

roof,

had.

to
The

disapproved,

inviting

her good works.

accept

her,

unspoken

make with

the

her to church

Still,

there

boundaries

women --

Her only

met.

real

were
to the

especially

friends

were

and idiosyncratic

her .

faith,

to share.

to do for

the

some last-minute

"Do you mind if

hadn't

Pullman;

and now Dan, whose own fall,

them something

watched

might

Cathy

life,

they had shown her and her children

commending her on all

friendships

gave

in
they

I would draw the

in her my mother's

Not that

herself

husband

her daughters,

meeting,
notes

I ask you something,

Cathy

sat

down- and

to myself.
Barack?"

"No, go ahead."
Why are you here?

11

"For the
"No,
you're

Doing this

work,

I mean."

glamour."

I'm

serious.

not very

religious,

You said

you don't

need

this

job.

And

are you?"

"Well ... "

"So why do you do it?
Because

it's

At that
older

man in

part

That's

why Dan and I do this,

of our religion.

moment, the
a hunting

But with

door opened,
jacket

and

li

you,

you know.

I don't ... "

and Mr. Green walked

a cap

whose

ear-flaps

in,

an
hung

stiffly

against

his

chin.

"How you doin,

"Fine,

just

fine.

Mrs. Turner
the

group,

all

Gettin

their

in,

up against

cut

words "Deacon Dan" across

to

lead

us

in

talk

off

he

a list

of priorities

tackled:

a plan

for each person

a survey

of the relationships

clubs

in the

While

everyone

meeting

had already

slipped

out after

helped

everyone

of

winter.

themselves,

and

warm up the room.

and a red

T-shirt

asking

through

to get one other

with

the

Mrs. Jeffrey
the

would determine

agenda

what issues

neighbor

they might have to other

I took

started

dragged

notes

we

involved:

churches

to myself,

to wander.

on far

too

In fact,

long

an hour -- when Dan decided

everybody
here

he announced,

is a church-based

a part

relationship

talked

an early

for

and after

that

talked,

we adjourn,"

This here

we devote

them

of

the rest

and

--

speaking

up

I thought

the

a few people

had

to include

a new item

agenda.

"Before
out.

that

then

area.

only when the discussion

on the

hint
coffee

jeans

led

creating

block

the

the front,

prayer,

followed,

prepared

unhurried

wearing

though "

quickly

coats,

in the small,

Dan walked

chilly

and Mr. Albert

bundled

They unbuttoned
engaged

Mr. Green."

of each meeting

to each other,
to

take

tonight,

about,

out

just

organization,

and that

to reflection

and our relationship

a minute

some thoughts

and then

"I want us to try

to
or

something
means that

on ourselves,
to God.

our

So I want

think

about

what brought

feelings

that

you haven't

I want you to share

them with

the

group."

--------------

Dan let
to

share

the

their

silence

build

thoughts

with

People

looked

down at

"OK,"

Dan said

finally,

my mind
folks

for

awhile.

weren't

I think

back

of growing
to pick

wild

and

racing

around

the

trips

at

school,

and

everybody

sleeping

out

of

memories

laughing

...

tears

and nobody

like

em,

but

down his
I don't

listen

to

when he

carts

my folks
with

roller-skate

all

to

the

on

field

families

in the

hot

my

wheels,

going

all

in

summer's

inside.

smiling

smiling

kids

em ... they

parents.

Not

God.

the

way things

blow

again
his

time.

A lot

the

time,

Not

as

here
all

the

I saw
voice,

no more.
the

And that's

not

not

sight

of

You

time,
trust.

a handkerchief
if

up,

they

be ... kids

out

back

he was

in a cracking

nothing

themselves.

Then,

head

worried

got

should

I thought

around

seem
They

and pulled

nose.

his

see

their

He stopped

raised

head.

He continued

the

ain't

his

cheeks.

all

to

was

and bowed

something

pocket

But when

skating

remember

got

my

good memories

and then

it

You know,

with

meeting

if

on

forest

and old
I

been

in Altgeld.

some really

scared,

together

suddenly

sneeze,

rolling

just

out

making

holidays

that's

memories.

Blackburn

lots.

about

That

to

parking

... seemed

off

to

at

just

I have

crates

yard

something

We lived

on the

want

"

"And you know,

look

--

fruit

out

in the

He broke
preparing

big

I remember

of empty

"Anybody

uncomfortably.
share

going

strawberries.
out

good

table
"I'll

I remember

buddies,

park,

the

minutes.

he repeated.

on my own childhood,

up.

several

us,"

or nothing.

cut

the

for

Nothing

rich

--~.

mad
Not
right.

smiling."
from

his

hip

this

big

man

weeping

had watered

the dry surface

the room began speaking

tones.

They shared

stores

about their

to

women with

after

each

other's

cause

your momma had_eyes

sense

of public

In

their

voices

selective
and true;

decorum that

whole of what they

room,

and it

hovered

joined

hands,

Mr. Green's

Turner's,

slight

we asked

for

pot,

and clear;

time;

in the

a sliver

off

"That

air,

reflection
at

at the
Cathy

chairs,

Outside,

had

Then we all
Mrs.

and together

out coffee

the night

services

was cold

I turned

Dan needed

who had come.

up my

to watch

before
At the

the

the next
end of my

shoulders.

end was pretty

and they

person

rinse

two stars.

of city

Dan's

last

moved

hand in my left,

the meeting:

I put my arm around

the

of

around.

the lights.

everyone

rang vivid

of hope,

in my right,

things

of

of witness,

palpable.

calloused

the issue

and interview

He looked

until

static,

moon hung above

we had to research

checklist,

mouth,

sustain.

elements

recalled

and finally

to the touch,

evaluated

nostalgia,

despair,

Dan and Cathy put back the

and quickly

meeting,

of

A feeling

to turn

looked

anything,

helped

loss.

thick,

courage

lock up and turn

collar

shared

and papery

the

I helped

bit

from mouth to

spoken

way adults

such familiarity

the
of

corner

up and down the whole block");

memory; but
sound

in

urgent

the

away with

little

and inarticulate

the

get

no

the

in solemn,
towns,

the

("Couldn't
and ears

the others

the news of the day or offer

was

frustration
about

Southern

groceries;

children

the

of

to learn

their

hearts,

own memories,

remembrances

where men had gathered

assistance

of their

both

powerful,

smiled.

Dan."

"We noticed

you

didn't

share

anything

"The organizer

with

the

group,"

is suppose

Cathy said.

to keep a low profile."

"Who says?"
"It's

in my organizer's

you a ride

four

blocks

the
"Hey,

bike

and waved goodbye,

to her house.

and she had taken

across

I let

a few steps

passengers

seat

towards

It had something

aren't

and walked

A few days

later,

to fit

that

when I stretched

About why I do this.

tonight.

I mean . I don't

different."

up the

Margaret

path

to her daughters.

at

Our Lady of

and Yvonne into

to see who would sit

They drew straws

the

Gardens,

my battered

in back,

Honda

and Margaret

came up short.
car

Yvonne moved her

Barack

goes

is this
seat

anyway?"
up.

three

I'd

"It's

meetings

some new strategy

finding

Margaret
built

for

grumbled.
the

skinny

little

out with."

I had scheduled

issue.

before.

I was back

Loretta,

"What kinda

of

door

down the window.

the meeting

all

She nodded,

and Loretta

girls

the

of her door,

down to look at me.

to do with

our reasons

Civic.

give

Cathy."

"You know what you were asking

trying

I'll

and Cathy and I drove

her out in front

and rolled

She came back and bent

think

Come on, Cathy,

home."

Dan mounted his

the

handbook.

already

concluded

for

for

us that

dealing
that

with

Jerry's

day,
the
vision

in the

hopes

unemployment
of

new

manufacturing

boom was out of reach

big corporate

manufacturers

well-scrubbed

suburban

couldn't
did

remain

a part

of the

a second-level

theaters

and services

function

might

as

invest

entry-level

incubators

of civic

savings

transparent

The closest
Roseland,

things

the

Avenue,

with

clothing

stores

and pizzarias,

former

warehouse,

a two-story

We enterred

through

the

hole

took

a narrow

set

of stairs

cut up by office

random angles.

In a small

and a skull-cap

that

I explained

who we were,

in the
out

where

stores,

a slight,
a pair

and reminded

was in
onto

front

of

windows covered
door with

a chain

have been,

basement

and old furniture

sat

on

discount

in

door knob should

a large

area

of Altgeld

high

a heavy metal

accentuated

you?"

families

to understand.

route

with

down into

office

continued

where

we arrived

building

dividers

restaurants,

a business,

and liquor

until

"Can I help

on the

Places

there

local,

of the city

district

wig shops

where the

for

where the economy remained

bus

through

laced

goatee

life.

to a shopping

Michigan

ceilings,

areas

enough for people

its

be called

and make a go of

and so we followed

grates.

could

hand,

economy -- of shops,

in other

the

even Mahatma Gandhi

On the other

economy that

jobs might be had; places

a human scale,

with

and I doubted

consumer

future:

in the area had opted

in Altgeld.

-- that

their

remained

corridors,

get them to relocate

thought,

to

that

for the foreseeable

with

low

arranged

in

wiry

man with

of prominent

him that

and

ears.

we had spoken

phone.

"That's

right,

that's

right."

He gestured

to the

two large

men standing
with

on either

side

"Listen,

we're

come up.

Salim

a nod.

something's
"I
"You're

Mrs.

Salim
that

the

Wright's

forced

political

we asked
could

"That's

stores
the

respect
our

what

"That's

red

the

that

ink,

comprehensive

be

short-term,

black

on the

11

have

is

the
plan

hand.

get

we are

one

of

are

them

case.

back

from

showing

our

here

owning
to

looked

the

"People

you got

is

most of

make sure

after,

Koreans

to

ours

us a leaflet

here

We gonna

When

like

and

what

of

claimed

elected.

said.

us,

a range
and

Jews still

people

This,
wall,

with

long-term.
for

her

you

mistreating
insist

that

community

--

a
they
fund

you.

short-term.

hung on the

off

the

and make a contribution

programs,

Roseland

of

cause

in

cause,

Salim

money

stores,

When we hear

us,

black

Basically

the

quick

He explained

engaged

here,"

making

running

we gonna

a seat.

Mayor Washington

disrespect.

interests

customer,

the

right

Now, in the

understand.

us all

bad meat.

sisters

us

momma doing?"

of selling

and

the

your

Association

promote

deal,

passed

shook

he handed

brothers

that

How's

and offered

he

development,

community,

buildings.

as

economic

our

the

said

organization

real

and Arabs

make this

a community

outside

Koreans

walked

Nurridin."

thought

local

Arab

to

for helping

him how he

accusing

have

Walter.

to

credit

encourage

gonna

Improvement

activities

considerable

and they

suddenly

boy,

a smile

Roseland

desk

al

Yvonne

know you,"

of his

the

It's
area.

11

Salim

pointed

certain

areas

all

about

Black

to
marked

a map of
off

with

ownership.

businesses,

community

centers

--

the

whole nine

we've started

abandoned,

them to us at a fair
then

you can help

The problem

folks

price.

into

They just

waiting

back,

cause

they

right

now is worth

gotta

get

again."

But see,

white

this

know that

the value

here

plan.

from the

folks

follow

white

rather
folks
city

in jobs,

ain't

before

of the property

stupid.
they

come

we sitting

on

a mint."

going,"

he

said

Salim's

office,

abruptly.

our hands

before

and Salim nodded.

"But

hey,

one of his

we' 11 talk

assistants

lead

door.

"Sounds
the

interested

about

they'd

us to move out of the

He shook all

us to the

message

a stand,

One of the big men came into

"I

are

already

owners to sell

now is not enough support

suburbs.
for

y'all

the

of taking

the

properties

with the white

So if

by spreading

Instead

out

Some of the

negotiating

we got right

in Roseland.

yards.

like

you knew him, Yvonne,"

I said

once we got out of

building.
"Yeah,

Walter
he's

before

Wright.
got.

fancy

He grew up in Altgeld

We walked

together.

--

in fact,

Walter

always

a block

a thug,"

north,

old

hide them ears

I think

was a big

Inside,

Loretta

and found the

Chamber of Commerce, on the second

black

he was plain

time

him and Dan

gang-banger

he became a Muslim."
"Once a thug,

shop.

name of his,

He can change his name, but he can't

use to go to school
before

he got that

floor

we found a few pieces

man who was busy packing

boxes.

said.
address

of what looked

of office

furniture,

of the

local

like

a pawn

and plump

Where looking
I'm

for

Foster,"

he said,

we were told
"Well,
resigned

you

last

for

not

I said

looking

you were the

to the

man.

up from his

president

boxes.

of the

the

about

that.

three

chairs,

and talked

Chamber "
Just

president.

week."

us the

that

fifteen

he had owned the

years

Commerce for
local

that
right

He offered
explained

Mr. Foster,"

the

stationary

now, had been

last

merchants,

five.

but

the

store

president

lack

of

support

me complaining

about

down the
of the

He had done his

the

as he worked.

best
had

He

street

Chamber of

to organize
finally

the

left

him

discouraged.
"You won't
stacking
their

hear

a few boxes
dues

into

by the

the

Chamber.

means to cooperate.
We don't
crabs
his

see.

in a bucket."

blame

us

with
for

opportunity,
it's

ago.

He shook

the

now than
These

against

the

~hese

Koreans

a .eek.

The black

way

big

days,

chains.

it

his

we

As a people,

we're

head,

only

it

business,

around

store

like

mine has

battle,

unless

hours

not

willing

to

.u

we feel

a day,

do that
like

without

out of us.

or the

sixteen

we' re like

years

Italian

family

loans.

Maybe you can't

those

something

it

up to wipe

the

a losing

;-'.,;;.ess.e worked so long for nothing,

here,

know.

pay

what

Make each other

All
took

he said,

ones that

straightening

are.

a small

-- work your

money.

"I don't

was for

It's

the

merchants

a handkerchief.

be

Koreans,"

They understand

you have to figure

tougher

years

"They're

They pool their

do that,

forehead

door.

the

And

Jew thirty
to

compete

you do like
seven
anymore.

we shouldn't

days
I
have

to

break

our

children,

some big

day,"

the

workers,
As

we

store,

full

aging

white
but

Korean

if

of

to take

the

The scene

markets

the hawkers,
swatting
occured

the

flies
to

of the

the

nature

part

of

cautions

turns

of

me that
natural

they

the

dresses

back,

those

of part-

Mr. Foster

looked

citizens.

black.

I could

with

clothing

sweaters,

figure
child

with

I had always

of a young
slept

somehow,

such

my mother

markets

beside

back

a wisk-broom.

taken

two

was poorly

to the

and Lolo:

the old women chewing

fruit

order

a small

make out the

I had explored

their

Experienced

The store

by hand as her

I'm sorry."

we passed

me of my childhood

that

applications

and brightly-colored

something

world,

and narrow

possibility

can get.

car,

now painted

of commerce -Lolo' s

my sons

. "

down thirty

Senior

leather-workers,

Now, though,
Mr. Foster,

to

reminded

of Indonesia

here

whatever

back

mannequins

towards

the

in Altgeld.

"Adults.

cheap

I tell

our

I want them to go work

about

out

we tell

she was joking.

finally.

walked

what

can be comfortable

asked

around

woman, sewing

her.

over the business.

young people

willing

That's

say I'm any different.

Loretta

merchant

he said

survive.

where they

we left,

not sure

"Every

part

I can't

company,

work for

up at her,

lit,

to

want them taking

Before
time

just

anyway.

I don't
for

backs

bettlenut,
It

suddenly

for

granted,

of things.

The details

of the

market,

none of it

had interested

me.

That was

Toot' s

world,

with

its

accountings

and

aspirations.
as I thought
markets

about

seemed

Altgeld,

a precious,

Roseland,
fragile

Salim
thing.

and
The

people
the

in those

day;

people

they

were,

the

ate

routes
the

habits

bargaining
It

Altgeld

absence

of

the

their

banks

wage

Michigan

their

some other

of

their

weave their

coherence

that

loss

stitching

of factories

calumet

River,

assembled

the

radios

existence
manufacturer,

of

twenty

And then
that

or carve

their

their

bitter

the

timber

has

rendered

their

culture

initiative

turn

the

ranks

sold

on

discovery,

remember how to
or grow their
the

interests,

factory,

who were

of lower wages in

remember such craft,

by more durable

own way,

from now, when

own furniture

the

hard work and individual

sneakers

years

that

had once sat

joined

they no longer

gave them wood are now owned by timber

that

and

like

back together

workers

down, a consequence

has vanished,

once wove have been replaced

in their

where they

them ten,

globe.

they

to

beneath

patterns

a culture

sorts

even if

day,

of cultural

way to the

of the

customs

made a place

had made each of them,

closed

as

a tapestry

and

out every

the Indonesian

own baskets
that

pay

back

as poor

there,

about

has also

market

played

was the

I imagined

part

And yet

I thought

and

Avenue.

factory

own food;

it

of the

labor

bribes

on their

dust.

How did you go about

now making

young.

to

swirling

in Altgeld;

of firewood

died

of a generation

once it was torn?

along

they

folks

and middlemen,

and Mr. Foster

so bitter.

pounds

than

order

so desparate;

both Salim

poorer

had been a discernable

and the

was that

fifty

little;

there

trading

observe,

that

were poor,

women and men hauled

every

of

markets

forests

that

the baskets

they

plastics.

interests,
obsolete;

The very
the
the

plastics
values

out to have depended

of
on a

system

of belief

TV reruns.

been scrambled

Some would prosper

Koreans

along

others,

the

Bank, they
despair

that's

Michigan
millions

in this

Avenue,
left

would settle

into

in

silence

to

and Training,

or MET, which helped

programs

throughout

office

in

the city.

Vrydolyak's

administrator

but handed
"This
door.

ain't

the

America.

And the

or Accra,

or West

a deeper

sort

of

he looking

at?"

as well

she asked

I showed them the

MET programs
"This

is

time

didn't

to training
the place;

we

it

on a back

arrived,

the

know when she would be

brochures.

Yvonne .said

have stayed

as she started

for

home."

I was lingering

in the office.

"What's

Loretta.

back of one of the

in the
it,"

all,"

finding

the

of Employment

from Altgeld,

By the

of glossy
at

that

Office

with

the unemployed

drive

her assistant

no help

noticed

refer

minute

us a pile

"We might

Margaret

fifth.

Some, like

meeting,

We had trouble

ward.

was gone;

final

of the Mayor's

out to be a forty-five

street

the

own Altgelds,

our

of a local

the

in Jakarta,

their

administrator

back,

new order.

would move to

behind

urbanization,

We drove

turned

by migration,

city.

brochures,

None of them were south

listing

all

of Ninety-

I said.

"What?"
"We just

found ourselves

an issue,"

I said.

As soon as we got back to the Gardens,

Ms. Maria

Cerda,

the

city-wide

director

we drafted

a letter

of MET. Two weeks later,

to

she agreed
not

to

to come and meet with us out in the Gardens.

repeat

myself

mistakes

and the leadership

meeting,

pushing

developing
the

the

hard

a clear

Far South

of the

to exhaustion:

for the other

demand --

Side

-- that

besides

preparing

intake

MET could

a script

both

for the

to send their

people,

and training

center

in

the

night

of the meeting,

At six forty-five,

only three

people

us had shown up: a young woman with a baby who was drooling

onto her tiny

stack

jumper,

of cookies

drunken

an older

into

woman who I saw carefully

a napkin

man who immediately

As the minutes

the empty chairs,

the official

minute,

the

deathly

smell

changing

Cathy

Yvonne's

children

arrived

a light

purse,

slumber

away, I imagined
his

on the

a favor.

before
with

seven,

ten

and a

in a seat
once again

or her mind at the last

leadership's

then

other

people

people

and grandchildren,

row of seats;

faces;

Altgeld

men in suits

even know this

aides

whisper

as they

coat,

and he shook his

walked

Pullman;

who by themselves

There were close

two young white

began to trickle

from West

residents

the

was out
in.

ll

then
up an

in the room

Mexican-American

behind

here,"

I asked

head nervouslywith

people

imperious

trailing

filled

in.

who owed one of

to a hundred

by the time Ms. Cerda showed up, a large

"I didn't

her

folding

of failure.

Dan and

the trio

into

into

ticked

look of disappointment

Then, at two minutes

entire

and stuff

slouched

in the back-row.

with

I drove

fulfill.

and yet,

of knots.

meeting,

churches

a job

Two weeks of preparation;

my stomach was full

police

Determined

her.

I heard

him if
a start.

one of the

I could

take

his

"No, I'll

I'll

just

Th~ leadership
laid

acquitted

out the issue

expected

from

response,

Margaret

within

only glitch

themselves

thanks."

well

that

for the crowd and explained

When Ms.

her.

jumped

When Ms. Cerda finally

area

hang on to mine,

six months,

promised

through

up and began shouting

a job.

Yvonne calmly

in his

ear,

which

giving

for

into

a definite

a yes-or-no

to have a MET intake

the crowd broke

Loretta

to Ms. Cerda what we

avoided

in and pushed

came about half-way

in the back stood

Cerda

night.

answer.

center

hearty

applause.

the meeting,

him to

at Ms. Cerda that

immediately

The

when the drunk

he needed

walked up to the man and whispered

caused

in the

drop

something

back

into

his

when she had returned

to

seat.

"What did you tell

the

seat

next

"You're

to me.
too young to know."

The meeting
sped off

were all

was over in an hour -- Ms. Cerda and her young men

in a big blue

Margaret's

him?" I whispered

hand.

car,

In the

and people
evaluation

went up to shake Loretta

afterwards,

the

three

and
women

smiles.

"You did a terrific

job,

Barack,"

Loretta

said,

and gave me a

big hug.
"Hey, didn't

"He sure
I told
couple
headed.

I promise

enough did,"
them that

of days,

we were gonna make something

Margaret

I would

and went out

I can do this

job,

leave

said

them

to my car,

I thought.
32

with

a wink.

alone

feeling
I lit

happen?"

for

at

slightly

a cigarette,

least

lightand in

my self-congratulatory
taking

Side,

the

mood, imagined
leadership

discussing

the

feet

I saw the

away,

fate

slow circles,

looking

car

him if

and asked
"I don't

to tell

Then,

from the

down at his
he needed

need no help!"

"Not from nobody,

downtown to sit

of the city.
drunk

organizing

he shouted,

you understand

me!

a street

meeting,

some help

entire

down with

under

stubby

the

Harold
light

spinning

shadow.
getting
trying

South
and
a few

around

in

I got out of my
home.
to steady

Punk ass motherfucker

himself.
try

me shit . "

His voice

trailed

off.

began to wobble down the center

Before

I could

of the road,

shadows.

33

answer,

he turned

disappearing

into

and
the

chapter
Winter
against

came,

grey

and the

sky

mid-afternoon,

city

above

especially

white

storms

that

layered

canopy

once true

against

the

set

the

in

became scarce

who did

such

evenings,

lake's

icy

stirring

the

the

now

trees

fell

in

in, boundless

ground,

city

lights

a pale,
reflected

properly

come looked
the

streets

fights

would
coils

momentarily
of the

gusts
shake

my car

At times,

out over parking

spaces

where

car

speed
the

like

on these

lane

angry
night

my thoughts

at

at the last

wouldn't

Driving

across

was,

Attendance

called

gathered

alone

spaces
seemed,

their

danced

spend

it

as people

that

of snow that

forget

start;

home from
across

the

dividers,
specters
drives,
a

in
I

numbed

silence.

suggested

away from

-- everyone,

breaking

or that

and the

and parking

brawl or shooting.

flu

white

I would never

damp and resentful.

northern

surface

down my collar

thaw,

became more sporadic,

had the

Mounds of fine

of interviews,

to

about

of my headlights.

Jerry
myself

tale

up thin

reflection

black

rolled

to

of my car,

On rounds

to say they

those

would

cracks

on the snow-narrowed

meetings

minute

close

began,

a heavy snow, the resulting

evening

Night

in such weather.

one place

had a cautionary

front

the

in my coat.
time

after

sky

--

clouds.

blew through

enough

earth.

night

The work was tougher

openings

monochrome

when the snow-storms

prairie

powder

turned

that
the

job.

I take
His

more time

off,

build

a life

concerns

were

professional,

for
he

explained:

without

some personal

organizer

lost

perspective,

true

that

the

people

with

set

of

friendship;

books,

and could

I met on the

concerns

and

when I wasn't

me alone

in

an empty

living

off

I didn't

more than

quickly

demands

advice,

and the leadership

friendship.

After

juke-box.

I'd

visit

women tease

prayer.

At a Christmas

Loretta,

Margaret

the

counsel

applications;

:=o~

play

was

~~derstand
the

the

with

such

lines

between

what Jerry
periphery

burnt

stories

or

times,

sent

over stale

sitting

on

with

sparkling

cheese-puffs
dragged

to

their

college

or

weariness

on my knee.
when

organizer

of people's

that

communion and

that

familiarity
and leader,

had meant when he insisted

cookies

services,

I would dance

daughters

grandchildren

during

with

Gardens,
a globe

church

who had been reluctantly

sons

=e::.e::.ber one afternoon,

==--nt..~e

in the

husbands

thump from a dinged-up

my confusion

the room; swap sports

with

dissolved

party

--

I might

the various

and Yvonne under

and meat-balls

It

me over

as the

to

corner

On Sunday,

because,

to watch the news or listen

O'Jays

Temptations,

affair;

company of

one

the

across

find

go with

--

beads

to

I found them offering

meetings,

oldies

the

barriers

the

perhaps

grew,

tavern,

and let

much older,

would usually

due with

an

And it was

created

though,

or two of the men to a local

the

that

making

work,

burn out.

the weekends

apartment,

the

of memories.

myself

simple

outside

job were generally

working,

heed Jerry's

bonds between

support

lives,

towards

in Mrs.

she liked

Bates'

to force

that
that
their

I began

to

I move away
center.

kitchen,
on me every

gulping
time

stopped

by.

to blur

in my head;

her

It was getting

why she

children
mine,

and almost

still

and started

to tell
to stop

only

afford

send

later

die

years

working

get

in

generational

one child

enough

story

to

the

Catherine's
start.

told

in his

that

husband

would

had spent

to see to it that

Mrs.

of

Bates

me that

their

thought:

a family's

what her

the

faith

that

he now spent

to leave

the voice

in

son was doing

he had been diagnosed

room, afraid

time
with

that

with

his

the house.

days
As she

of someone who has forced

Sturgies

in renovating

I asked

sitting

waiting

well
the

at

for

the

local

her family

twenties,

a meeting

lost

to

By way

with

improving

enough.
her

St.

knew only

hospital.

seemed healthy

she had almost

in the

time,

her why she was so concerned

in the area;

me how, in her

I found myself

Mrs. Sturgies,

know Mrs.

she was interested

care

could

out of tragedy.

basement

talk

a brother

to

how she

her family

understand,

earlier,

never wavered,

was the

I didn't

of small
health

a few years

meaning

Or there

that

when I asked

newspapers

a larger

up closer

-- a son who had gone on to

vindication

she went on to tell

her voice

her

from Yale.

these

spoke,

just

education

Only,

reading

because

to ask

after

up in Tennessee:

college,

she said,

education.

schizophrenia

to

long

her chair

Both she and her

had to stop his

sacrifice,

days,

growing

had begun

I decided

PTA, so

her own education

in a factory,

simple

the

had scooted

me about

in World War II.

a law degree

of my visit

as an afterthought,

Mrs. Bates

had been forced

own son never

the purpose

participated

had grown.

to

late,

And she

sight

from

cataracts
time,

in both

and although

declared

her

for

of being

fear

bathroom

to

would stay

at the

reports

enough

money for

as

untypical

of

before

long after

needed

to be ready

of wealth
ventures

drug

--

to pick

question.

had turned
father

That's

in his

well

beyond

and

sketchy

Transit

he had

she

to finish

morning.

She had

she finally

was

finally

early

saved

thirties

Authority.

no children,

He was
lived

why he was so interested

up a car

and how other

me about

how the

lost
out

of

his
a

to give

in the
father's

shop,

business

him;

how the

home and family,

ditch

leadership

I was supposed

immediacy

biographies

was teaching

somewhere,

of issues,
and

received

me, day by day:

to be looking
that

beneath

opinions,

for
the

dreams

various

men had cheated

and drink,
pulled

his

an

in doing

When I offered
he had left

in

own vomit.

that

the

to the

At night,

man in his

town in Arkansas;

to gambling

what the

self-interest

the

And he told

had gone sour

suffocated

doctor

glass,

had left,

until

use among teenagers.

in a nowhere

how his

year,

off

magnifying

following

a single
for

leadership

one day,

him the

others

the

an entire

a bus-driver

about

him a ride

she had snuck

with

the

her

the

from her boss

she went back to type.

office

for

her ailment

day,

memos

and so I wondered

something

father

boss'

that

at

an operation.

the

apartment

asked

she had kept

was Mr. Marshall,

who worked

the

line

as a secretary

grew bad enough

Day after

her

secret

Or there

condition

fired.

that
her

She was working

blind,

read

each

maintained

her

legally

memorizing

the

eyes.

extended

small

people

that

talk

carried

within

them some central

of terror

and wonder,

inspired.

Sacred

And it

break

out

of the

larger

the

Smitty's

barbershop.
life

I might
people

of flying

kites

nod their

heads

background

that

with

I was tentative

at

first,

afraid

expectations

of me.

or laugh,

with crime,

wondering

world

might

offer

taken

they

the work.

up as

my
or,

to spend
on

an

together,

gave me the
for.

sense

There was
Jerry

had

There was poetry,

beneath

a gift

father,

a moment of simple

stories,

present

they would

themselves

if you dug deep enough.

always

and father,

-- a lost

which I had been looking

in characterizing

as

to match or confound

heart,

that

that

choose

sunning

together

together:

my

how someone with

a story

these

in

that

so "country-fied;"

be

a wandering

I discovered,

a luminous
people

put it,

could

I found that

me bind my world

day

Instead,

at Punahou,

why anyone would willingly

when they

though,

dances

to

me to

for South Side sensibilities;

people's

and of purpose,

--

I had carried

with:

up that

Then they would offer

a community there,

as well

I was working

flared

As time passed,

been wrong,

or

allowed

had

or shrug

brush

of place,

finally

that

a knot to bind our experiences

had helped

world

that

that

or school

Chicago

grace.

full

haunted

in Jakarta

a winter

adolescent

still

of Toot or Lolo or my mother

to them,

Beach.

Stories

to stories

most puzzling

mine,

isolation

had ended up, as Margaret

in

that

I think,
the people

would be too foreign

listened

events

with

self-consciousness

somehow disturb

Waikiki

with

recognization,

more of myself

Chicago,

prior

studded

of themselves.

stories.

was this

me to share

explanation

to

the

surface,

me,

if

a
only

remembered

to ask.

If the leadership
imagined,
that

they

revealed

also

retarded

forced

a strength

of spirit

me to acknowledge

our efforts,

secrets

that

that

the

we kept

I hadn't

unspoken

forces

from each

other,

and from ourselves.

one the
meeting
back

leaders

with

the

police

away from
into

the

neighbors

that

could

ideas

for

with

parents.
with
public

life,

me while
bored

we shot

and sullen

struggles.

temple,

baffled

"Last
say.

with

Like I was stupid.

smart,

steady,

Darrell

awkwardness
baskets
--

she might

thrown

build

herself

a network

to our events,
or

working

dreamed

--

by the

of

coming.

with

about

excited

Jr.

see

in the
the

Harlean

a mediocre

He had just

-- one moment frisky

together

I could

park,

contours

would

report

by a young man's

week he said

pilot.

organizer

that

had

to

voters

every

her son,

"Today he tells

a fighter

hard

delivered

registering

Sometimes

exasperated

she

our aborted

school
someone

idea

of

to learn.

eager

and in his

working

be regularly

After

I had worried

Instead,

project,

talent,

And I liked
then,

commander,

She was what

untapped

most was Harlean.

organizing.

headlong

up

I liked

unruly

or

instant

me about

a cut

him,

on Darrell's

mind.
she would

going to the Air Force Academy, to be

When I ask him why, he just

I swear,

next

of my own youthful

he was going to be a rap artist,"

me he's

fourteen

and bumping into

the

question

card

turned

Barack,
.!

sometimes

says

'So I can fly.

I don't

know whether

to hug him or beat

his

skinny

behind "

And I would say "Maybe a little

It

was to give

aviation,
before

that

I was on the

away the

and gestured
I thought

newspapers

put my finger
and Harlean

over her

Darrell,

turned

towards

brown that

shade

about her,

Only after

matched

the

as if

She asked

chair

beside

of

but

my desk

of my eye,

but I couldn't

quite

I had hung up the phone

that

color

her eyes,

of her skin,

someone had glued

me if

in,

Out of the corner

me did I realize

of blue,

irises.

a seat.

was.

a history

one day a few weeks

up on the

different

on what it

a warm, dark

for

phone when she walked

piled

for her to take

I saw something

an opaque

a present

of both."

I asked her to stop by my office

Christmas.

cleared

Harlean

bit

something

normally
had turned

plastic

buttons

was wrong.

"What did you do to your eyes?"

"Oh, these,"
just

contacts,

lenses,

Harlean
Barack.

and I get
"Your eyes
"It's

just

~~fferent,

her

head

The company

them at a discount.

looked
for

just

fine

fun,"

she

and laughed.

I work
You like

the way they

said,

for

"They're

makes

cosmetic

them?"
were."

looking

down.

"Something

Finally

I remember

you know."

I stood
:.a:-=-e:l

shook

==,=k
.. r

there,

s gift,
thought

Ear:ean

not

knowing what to say.

and handed

it

he might

like

nodded and put

to her.

it

"For Darrell,"

I said.

"A

it."
inside

I'm sure

he will."

Then,

s-:.::-a.:.;::-:.e::ed her skirt.

"Well,

I better
1.

her purse.
abruptly,

"That's
she stood

get going,"

nice

of

up and

she said,

and

hurried

out the

For the
Harlean's

rest

of the

eyes.

her feel

day and into

I had handled

ashamed for a small

vanities.
leaders

slender

a part

possess

some

innate

models
cars

in the

--

images

fashion
to

black

of mine,

"What are
black

No, I told
Since

my first

Magazine,

thick

lips

black,
the

get

back.

questions

frequent,

the

light-skinned
remark

about

girls,
black

afford

few

the

insecurities

-- the

square-jawed

men in

was vulnerable,

the

the

the

incident

issue

my friend

and from
to a

more bluntly.

said

impatiently.

themselves?"
exactly

black

if

you're

brother

made

immune from

American's

surprise

with
community
light,
the

--

good hair,

you're

fashion

always

of black

if
fashion,

you're
and

had been

black

bitterly
seemed

color

bad hair,

signified,
for

in Life

of

alright,

man was foolish

women's hair-styles.

creams

lexicon

of conversation

or any black

I was feeling.

the

politics

that

who

that

of bleaching

among the women, who would smile

militant

about

her and the other

authenticity,

about?"

the

topic

that

of me expected

familiar

In college,

delicate,

could

discovery

of self-esteem

if

especially
of

become

or thin,

in a life

she had stated

it wasn't

within

I thought,

When I mentioned

hate

frightening

I'd

consciousness

still

her,

moment badly,

I myself

you surprised

people

the

magazines,

which

protection.

woman friend

I thought

feed every

which I had sought

"That

vanity

that

of images that

next,

the

I realized
to

onslaught

fast

door.

to

students;

at the

sight

be

dating

enough to make a

Mostly
measuring

I had kept quiet

my own degree

conversations

rarely

of whites.

of

in predominantly

white

our identities

too scrambled,

pride

incomplete,

remained

confusion

to whites,

by those

seemed ludicrous,

was in observing
about

learned

privately

not

to

self-esteem
teen

talk-show
to describe

put

the

idea

that

too

our black

examination
first

of self-hatred

-- for there

division,

much stock

for all

phrase

hosts,

seemed

educators,

would look

at

place,

our private

and not more evidence

our hurt,

of

to

self-esteem,
specific

ourselves,

the

conversation

By the

specific

means by which

with the ethereal,

.t

black
or

I reached
activists,

It was a handy catch-all

But whenever

always

I had

abuse

time
lips:

way of talking

the

that

substance

be on everyone's

to ourselves.

what we

who trumpeted

whether

crime.

between

publicly,

in those

our ills,

a sanitized

the

regress,

I think,

sociologists.

inculcate,

infinite

that

damage in the

own souls,

or black-on-black

been keeping

this

too tenuous,

to general

and what we addressed

as a cure

pregnancy

Chicago,

we'd

in front

And to admit our doubt and

whites

their

such

of most black

was already

to admit to ourselves

an expression

into

that

pathology.

It
talked

colleges

that

privately

and never

the position

so much of the

to expect

as a mirror

of black

that

to open up our psyches

itself

seemed no reason

groups;

half-formed.

who had caused

struggles

in large

I would realize

was broached,
But I noticed

infection.

took place

Later,

students

when the topic

about
I tried

qualities
we might

seemed

to

indeterminate

the

things

to pin down
we hoped

feel
follow

to

good about
a path

quality

of

of some

medieval

argument

yourself

because

couldn't

get

a child

--

over
of your

a job?
only,

too light?

anyway?

of kinky

personal

one

you couldn't

was because
because

fact

into

Or was it because

as

dark?

Or

her veins and

of emptiness

that

and

you were unloved

shot heroin

or the

read

you were too

Was the sense

hair,

couldn't

salvation;

program

could

you felt

your apartment

had no

deep down you imagined

all

had no doubt

that

to concentrate

into

man some tangible

care

vague

skills

each

self-esteem

politics.

of

could

serve

such honesty,

I thought

teach

search

that

but I
Better

on: give that

school.
for

more

to myself,

black

it

with

for our self-esteem.

decently-funded
us

could

Perhaps

agree

to

It demanded too

without

we might all

and a job,

road

more power to you.

exhortation.

did nothing

in a safe,
of,

about

black

the

or a twelve-step

then

would be poor,

poverty

on

road,

from people;

on the things

and arithmetic

that

the talk

self-reckoning

fewer blacks

questions

or psychoanalysis

of an effective

degenerated

self-esteem

such

you along

was that

as the centerpiece
much honest

avoid

if religion

assist

What I doubted

taken

or because
it

Did you dislike

soul.

universe?

Maybe

easily

color,

your mother

and no furniture?

godless

of the

were you unloved

why did she do that

heat

situs

Or perhaps

or because

consequence

the

child

black
reading

With the basics

our

own sense

of

self-worth.
Harlean
erected

shook up this

between

pocketbooks

psychology

and the

state

predisposition
and

politics,

of our souls.
ll

of mine,
the
or rather,

the wall
state

I had
of

our

my work had

already
with

shaken the foundations

Har lean

was only

hearing

and seeing

casually

explained

("A black
folks
for

just

all

folks

just

like

than

work

together

think
that

most

day.

"black"

he never

mess

it

up,

other

in a bucket,
get

in jest,

Barack

time

I heard

wasn't

a young mother

worth

a quick

meaning
against

ourselves
If

the

teenage

sparring.

was never
possible

language,

hurt,

word

"nigger"

I had once liked

the

to

inside

joke

our ability

to convert

what

a shield.

Until

child

to

the

tell

first
him he

boys use it to draw blood

The transformation

this

("Black

drag you down

the

irony,

on her

complete;

the

humor,

out of which families,

to be rebuilt,

then

distortions

implications
when I looked
hearing

it

rationale

church

-- rather

white

like

the

in

of the word's

other

one involved

defenses

striking

out

we
at

first.

the stuff

and

or watched

round of verbal

original
erected

shit,

in her

a knowing

use

leader

contractors

leader's

a word that

had been a sword used to wound us into

I was

end up paying

Often,

as a people,

what

with black

people

out.").

with

marked our resilience

dealt

of

episode

when a black

and I'll

in such remarks,

was spoken

example

or in another

mobilize

to

the particular

dramatic

over again.");

crabs

wall;

It was expressed

to me that

why she couldn't

replaced

the

every

man'll

to do it

of that

I couldn't
that

stories

of black

people

communities,

economies

would have

separate

lingered

of that

fact,

into

Harlean's

from the

the

leadership,

that

inside

I realized,
eyes.

us.
that

from the hurt

And

it

was

had most disturbed

The stories

the uplifting
ll

strength

records

was

that

the
me

I had been

of courage

and

sacrifice
their

and overcoming
struggle

with

They had arisen

hate

hadn't

within

pestilence

each person,

it

at the

race

experience

of which

sometimes

Loretta,

I had

there]I

had to ask myself

whether

the bonds

rebuilt

without

haunted

black

dreams?

Could Harlean

had settled

received

Mayor's

from

Office
talk,

job center

do with

job

development
isolation

understand
folks

herself

ready

him the

the

morning

after

just

wasn't
could

figure

without

he had launched
we had asked
talk,

into

for

be
that

hating

Barack,"
needs

plan

been workin on.

I've

.. got
the

forces

to stab

to

to

look

fit

at

into

the

at work out here.

you in the

back."

"Who is this?"
12

meeting

with

the

the benefit

of

monologue

about

the

trying

to

City.

he said.

training

fire

own mind.

of a phone call

Without

a rapid

from the

in his

result
our

of Employment and Training.

"We gotta

in

that

ghostly

--

[Jerry

of community

such questions

I had begun to see him more regularly,

small

people

sometimes

pretended

love

deep

eyes?

Salim al-Nurridin

I'd

white

face,

that

That

buried

power over our lives.

exorcising

from

with hate.

stood

a single

claiming

collectively

arisen

or even mere poverty.

with

blue

only

simply

a counter-narrative

center

image of a system

seen

hadn't

or drought,

formed

some ignorant,

a faceless

odds,

out of very particular

gone away;

some cruel,

had

of great

"What y'all

are

the

comprehensive

can't
big

overall
think

about

picture.

Is big,

man.

this

thing

You don't
All kinds

of

"Salim.

What's

It was.

I put him on hold and got a cup of coffee,

him to start
gathered

all

that

over again,

Salim

center

we had

office,

along

of that

interest:

Michigan

If

the

specifications,
possible

over

with

locate

I figured

I said,

the

then
and

the

building

had

in

mind

I was willing
invited

join

too well

with

I understood

machinations

the

Salim

the discussion
afoot,

the

black

to discuss
with

Loretta

and

curious

silence,

rising,

Dan and the

watching

midst

of seizure.

start

shouting

people

it
in

as one

our

next

others

willing

viens
would

Salim

like

once,

in

a small

smile

back to work.
13

didn't

their

our joint

concerns:

about

ploy,
his

drop

their

would curl

to

people

for with his

straining,
off

he was an epileptic
I would have

he

the secret

neck

suddenly

go

strategy,

to sell

negotiating

the

More than

finally
get

necessary

one that

back at him, not so much in anger

him down, until

out

with Ms.

the

us

long lectures

It was an effective

progressively

and we could

DCP leaders.

down with

down the river.

voice

answer

City.
alliance,

would interrupt

nature

to propose

him to

his

to use an ally

met

and I formed an uneasy

we sat

near

negotiations

So Salim

whenever

new MET intake

get a straight

of sticky

asked

I eventually

we might be able

to be a series
he

time.

then

ask the particular

I could

that

storefront

this

a certain

I didn't

that

for you?"

in having

in

Avenue.

alternative,

meeting

more slowly

I doubted

in what were proving

too early

had an interest

proposed

of him, and anyway,

Cerda.

the matter,

into

in the

jump in and

as to simply

slow

under his mustache

When the
sometimes

have

arrived

his
a

religion,

hadn't

under

day

for

in

his

understand.

half

they

blaming
can't

has
is

down they
done

they

all

they

for

shit

the

till

the

their

bottled

folks,

but

up,

fighting

one

thing

soaked

it

see

man decides

found
leader
"If it

he told

up all

the

poison

with

got

think.

Start

day,

thinking

they

alright.

they
But

this

daddy,

their

So the

sister.
admit

themselves.

it

Waste

the

They spending

They know what

can't

me
you

right.

ther

he

attitude,

folks

every

had

today,"

yet.

white

and,

Islam.

negative

realize

they

slowly

Muslim

you' re working

what

momma, their

white

folks

white

ain't

could

that

he

of

be dead

I'd

don't

about

know that

hate

Keep it
that

to

the

Al tgeld;
of a local

probably

worrying

do no better

deep

See,

He confirmed

in

had

and bravado;

Nation

up in Altgeld,

and

which

tenacity

up

"Just

us.

themselves

his

Farrakhan's

even though
lives

During

stewardship

office.

man feeds

same problem,

the

Salim

sincerity.

man, I'd

Growing

white

for

growing

Minister

Islam,

though,

conversation.

a certain

he said,
with

alone,

admiration

leader

been

were

normal

gang

unaffiliated

the

us

own terms,

been

one

of

at a grudging

within
had

two

to

country
truth

themselves.

a lot

of energy

way.

"I

tell

continued.

you
"They

know who they

didn't

care

about

the

here.

First

thing

they

their

interests

Hall

and found

were
their

American
did

met.
boys

is
The

jobs.

admire

about

white

are.

Look at

the

flag

and

that

put

together

Irish

--

The Jews,
14

all
the
they

Italians.

Mafia
took

same thing

folks,"

when

he
They

they

got

to make sure
over

the

City

. you telling

me they

care

more about

some black

do bout they relatives

looking

after

in Israel?

your own.

enough to worry

about

truth

apart.

was a given

and

loyalties

to apply.

could

Black

argue,

just

drug-addicts
within

a clarity

under

the

first

tried

time

that

on

hatred

of

munificence.
would

tell

ceasing

twin

the

up Malcolm X's
strands

any

whites,

myself

to believe

--

and

tell

this

black

in it's

more

in their

message
15

seat,

the lives
Progress

he,
of
was

(I admired]Ever

since

autobiography,

I had

solidarity

arguing
and

self-

-- need not depend

depended

where

it

on

white

was wrong,

listen,

without

change.

nationalists
indictment

his

ourselves.

who would
for

focusing

of

around

it

country

capacity

had

nationalism,

of

than

friends

to self-professed

function

of black

from

and tribe,

Muslims.

betrayal?

energy

of loyalty

the mayor's

betray

message

I came to see how the blanket

a central

a means

turned

of

notions

and communal responsibility

We could

In talking

sorts,

tutelage

waste

circles,

of blood

self-respect

affirming

discipline

Barack,

world where distrust

-- whereupon

constituted

the

they

the only ones stupid

concentric

had delivered

I had picked

nationalism

reliance,

in

so long as we didn't

to untangle

blood,

and he didn't

vision,

of

self-respect

But what exactly

the

race

narrowing

as black

our grasp,

Black people

extended

ceased

attention.

about

His was a Hobbesian

to mosque to the black

This

Side than

enemies."

family

him with

It's

as Salim saw it,

that

provided

Shit.

Period.

their

That was the truth

picking

kid in the South

like

of everything

of uplift~

Salim,
white

psychologically,

though,
served
at

least,

one depended

of a reawakening

on the

other.

of values

he was expressing

For when the

as the

an implicit,

only

that

we did not have to live

were those

that

could

hew out

new life

dispositions

that

followers

--

explanations

fault,

that

whites

to

suffer

their

history,

a people

it

not

history,

about

genetic
that

ourselves.

seemed to outstrip

to

stolid

that

inferiority,
ignored

already

to retrieve

across

of the

poverty:

a script

ill-equipped

than what fluttered

the

smacked

for black

For a people

often

and use it

with

such talk

without

of what we saw every

suspicions

spirit;

if

message

there

had once demanded from his

was a message

outside

in any form other

worst

from,

to black

And while

those

had always offered

on progression.

testimony

--

of many blacks

It

a message
insist

the

ears

weakness.

might

themselves

poverty,

criticism

such an unadorned

for

spoke

to black

as we did.

Booker T. Washington

in the

we continued
cultural

take

solution

if not explicit,

listeners:

nationalist

then

causality

or

or plot

that

stripped
that

of

history

the television

screen,

day seemed only to confirm

our present

any power that

condition

our

sapped

we might generate

our
from

our own hands.

Nationalism
tale

that

provided

was easily

attack

on the white

brutal

experience

that

communicated
race,

in this

the

ideas

tipping

into

an ocean of despair.

are responsible

of

country,

personal

an unambiguous

and easily

the constant

prevent

whites

history,

and

grasped.

recitation

served

as the ballast

communal

ll

state,

A steady

of black

people's
that

responsibility

Yes, the nationalist

for your sorry

morality

could
from

would say,

not any inherent

flaws

in you.

In fact,

whites

expect

anything

no longer
what keeps

you drinking

from your mind,

This
self-criticism

But if

of

helped

it

the

who had

lawyer

experienced

the

young

between

really

belong

right
politics
failed

then,

eyes,

preferring
that

to

inadequate

that

object

into

the

mean streets,

yet

of

still

club-house;
the

distance

and the

who,

inside

rung's

doubts

and

measured

people

of

of the Nation

at the bottom

when walking

black

in

and criminals.

ring,

whispered

Salim was right

were potential

I wondered
in

the

them

engaging

the

gold

on Chicago's

rid

the continuing

who warily

all

of

of drug-addicts

the

you feel,

success

to those

we can

it

danger

turned

them --

out,

"You don't

here."

up and often
blue

from

for

students

me a voice

blacks

and her

hard

awkward silence

In a sense,
down, all

ourselves

spoke to the all

run

implied;

with

means

the much-admired

it also

that

by them;

this

well-suited

them and life

shared

worse,

power liberated.

removing

college

distance

bottled

your true

was especially
life,

that

is planted

around the lives

of American

those

or thieving,

explained

in turning

and devious

The self-loathing

displacement,

while

criticism,

from them.

and find

process

of Islam

are so heartless

turned
the

that

suppressed

elevate
to the

race
task.

nationalists.

inward.

teenagers

whether,

when he insisted

for

calling

anger

be

loyalty
[if

least,

whites

above

organizing
ll

each

all

about

other
Salim

redirected;

rage towards

deep

The anger was there,

And as I thought

now at

that

else,

nigger
wasn't

whether

generally,

Har lean
and
also

a black

or one that

was a politics

to have any use,

it

would

be in self-criticism,
It

was

morality

and so long as]

painful

thought

my mother had taught

-- between

individuals

active

malice

personal

stake

in that

escape

it

if

blacks

in this

black

resolve,

times

called

and effective

turmoil

it

might

caused

people

effectiveness,

became necessary
"I don't
explain

got time

care

double-crossing
to

get

stuff

our
gets

turn

to apply

everything

don't

deliver.

out

plan

done --

not

with

of self-respect,

whites,

or the

turned

to

on the
passing

out,

questions

to mess things
the

City

of
with

with MET, I asked

meeting

if

it

City.

out

trying

to

"Most of the folks

out

The one's

18

consequence.

a public

he said.

a big

inner-

meeting

to run around

and get

a strong.

thorny

one way or another.

tight,

times

most of my quarrels

more pressure

Negros tryin

Desperate

caused

people

to the public,"

it weakened

create

promise

As it

that

many blacks,

could

I couldn't

ranks.

me, would be of little

a particularly

he could

the

and for

on its

and not sentiment,

him whether

here

could

Once, after

within

well-meaning

like

I had

perhaps

If nationalism

cause

me ill,

was a framework

afford;

measures,

deliver

who wished

I had discovered
it

the

distinctions

indifference.

perhaps

confusion

desperate.

of subtle

or

no longer

desperate

If nationalism

Salim.

could

insularity,

hurt
it

And yet

contradicted

and those

ignorance

encouraged

it

me, a morality

moral framework;

country

were chronically

the

and

I tried.

for

consider:

of good will

between

then

to

flyers

that

up.
signed

do are gonna be

Important
on.

crowd and noise

thing
That's

and all

is
how

that.

once we got a done deal,

I disagreed

with Salim's

of black

people,

knew it

was dictated

organization

nor

his

mosque,

any strong

organizational

opponents

meeting

into

collection

of grievances
crowded

following

the

clean-cut
of major

the

the

smaller

of one of Chicago's

in

only

if ever,

could

claim

arose

not from
to show
and shout

and ~till

active

was

selling

of

congregations

the physical

and bow-ties
the

ll

to

any

hoist

cadenced

perhaps,

political

and

but without

more listened

thousand,

nominal,

images

the

had any significant

membership

around

In fact,

force,

of groups

sharply

mobilized

thoroughfares

program,

Farrakhan's

Baptist

men in suits

any concrete

an organized

handful

without

nationalism

of Islam

bigger

neighborhoods

than

the city;

campaign,

Nation

-- several

programs.

throughout

and conversation

Among the

But

broad-based

Salim's

Roseland,

Harold's

rather

drew a packed house,

broadcasts.

rarely,

of

airwaves

Minister

considerably

Neither

influence

affected

and not

the

banner,

generally

But also

but from his willingness

remotely

an attitude

existence.

nationalist

his

love

lot.

discovered,

persons;

effect

into

corporeal

capacity.

for Salim was true

dissipated

that

his professed

them an awful

soon

support,
that

concentrating

sounds

fifty

any way you like."

for all

of

it

submission.

What held true

the

approach;

by a lack

of more than

every

announce

he seemed to distrust

membership

up at

then y'all

sermons

to his

the

radio

Nation

roughly

was

the size

-- a base that

races

or in support

presence

restricted

was
of

of the Nation
mainly

who stood

at the

Nation's

newspaper,

to

the

intersections
the

Final

Call.
I would
polite

occasionally

men,

in

part

summers,

their

thin

attention

was

caught

("Caucasian
cover,

found

could

have

not

for

certain

Metzenbaum

been

--

launched

under

encourage

blacks

After
in

the

for

Proctor-Gamble,

lack

possess
years.

ads

the
that

of
after

followers
on

the

assembly

POWER campaign
faced

finance,
having

the
kept

leg

up that

you

out

carried

a health
recipes;

--

the

Nation

had

strategy

to

that
of

who

--

enjoyed

Minister

in

with

Crest.

may have
the

something
barriers

competitors
game

of

prominent

Call

the

line

less

teeth

or

cassette

own community.

grew

said

the

their

Final

your
of

Senator

for

line

business

it

promotions

sputtered

any black

were

on video

their

of the

and stories

pork-free

many

to brush

front

speeches

like

that

my

("Jewish
also

POWER products

seems

the

AP new-wires

money within

for

the

headlines

Inside

POWER, part

continued

some intermittent

That

and

their

it

the

in

because

speeches

The paper

Farrakhan's

keep

Call:

off

the

suits

tabloid-style

Farrakhan's

and

unfailingly

sometimes

embellishments

Minister

the

or

of messianic

straight

brand-name

speeches

difficulty

brew

accepted);

to

heavy

Are The Devil").

today . ").

the

from these

their

winter;

Whites

toothpaste

Final

suite.

the

sensational,

Minister

a time,

Farrakhan's
fact,

by the

Mastercard

toiletries

to

in

editorial

for

paper

coats

provided

advertisements

up the

sympathy

picked

announced
that

or

of

a strange

that

(VISA

out

Woman Admits:

one

section

pick

for

In

worked

management
about

the

to entry,
inevitably
four-hundred

But I suspected
that

arose

that

it

when Minister

realities

of buying

product

manager,

looking

briefly

wonder

rejected

that

supermarket
afford

to

give

he
to

toothpaste
cheapest

supplier

toothpaste

of

of
not

of

It

and varied

explained

how nationalism

as a program.
the

white

race,

listening

on the

But the
blacks
lost

it

descent

heart,

Compromises
surrounded

to

could
radio

our

he

black-owned

to

could

alienate

consumers

likelihood

buy

that

went

into

.the

making

or the

The black

reality
from

thrive

or

drifted

were

and

flounder

a cathartic

of the

to the
In

in

asked:

the

night

practical

that

on

teenager

late

TV.

choices

descent,

different
as

curse

jobless

watching

numerous

21

but

as an emotion

steep.

accountant

dreams,

whites

finally

fervor

was

that

that

applause

day

our
lives

remained

unifying

--

rule;

--

businessman

as

majoritarian

everyday

win the

everywhere,

market,

be expunged

as nationalism

stumbled

us.

in

If

chains

black

that

unyielding

could

every

were

was

the

of

from such

confronted

any

guaranteed

of the

brand

to shop.

national

And what

was this

fact

So long

He might

man?

phantoms

an active

the

the

POWER's

the

whether

Would

it

to

to imagine

preferred

races.

competition,

power.
simply

blacks

whatever

was a white

Questions
issues

mail?

reduced

distribute

a product

other

the

to

against

to

was

tension

projections.

consider

compete

of

through

sense

might

inevitable

I tried
sales

where

shelf-space

customers

message

his

made

chains

trying

potential

were

it

idea,

the

toothpaste.
over

whether

supermarket

reflected

Farrakhan's

mundane

national

also

people

directions.
white

faces

how am I going

that

to open

an account

at

checking,
can't

black-owned

and won't

afford

with

the

the

ain't

bank

risk?

The black

and even if

job -- who's gonna pay my rent

had no ready

interested

who had it,

never

much room at

During

seemed

a call

tolerate

the

to abolish:

Younger

arms,

the

talk

very

occasional
tell

up

for

talk

me: and anyway,

would be long

all

hypocrisy,
than Harold
long time:

limitations,

doctor's

an excuse
discovered
that

race-

deflecting

town --

were injecting

with

power.

upped

the

the

Koreans

black

babies

of sacrifice]

in the
Blacks

neighborhood
had

anti-Semitism
black

about

no longer

Malcolm had sought

themselves,

theories

of

in a contest

to make a name for

AIDS virus.[the

into

of

color

There was

we would

a very

host

spoils.

own peace

Jewish

slips

gifted

my

today?

the

their

the Klan,

with

I work

of Malcolm had once

that

dealings,

conspiracy

seriously.

hands

it

he was less

in

deliverance

a mask for

had known for

says

folks

though;

became the very thing

eager

Nobody I spoke

pyramid,

what in the

from questionable

were funding

than

a declaration

politicians

peddling

of power

its

for

be quitting

questions;

less

it

or feed my children

for black

Black politicians

make

I can't

enjoyed

of fantasy,

me extra

white

such

of the

wait,

intolerable,

leaders,

were,

to

rules

top

said:

tomorrow,

the wait

that

could

attention

with

the

a feeder

what white
baiting

they

and who therefore

to

for inaction.

ante,

the

in such terms,

indeed.

charges

loan because

nurse

answers

in changing

those

framed

it

even give me a business

so bad,

Salim

if

folks
22

no real

seemed to take
power

to

or Asian-bashing,
needed

a chance

to

act

such

on the

they

would

vent

their

frustrations
folks

every

say

about

Just
wasn't
not

just

distance

damage

language

and
it

ourselves

or each

black

nationalists:

brand

of verbal
vast

security
link

other

between

particularly

those

--

afford

country
such

had always

an absense

1 i ves

of

unwavering
loosening

our

grip,

effect

it

gap

talk

the

was having

corrupted
and

ability

to

both

encouraged
hold

either

--

on

whites.

blacks

for

such

--

whom the

letting

well
quite

parcels

to

deny

with

his

willing

to

and

the

was

nationalist

private

indissoluble

that

blacks

claimed

Black

or to

continued

survival

oet.

public
our

to operate

Instead
business,

collective

in

in the
adopting

we

seemed
go

this
it

of

psyche

--

to speak

on a minimum of delusions;

that

our

seemed

The problem

premised

in

quite

suburban

make-believe.

people

of course,

doing

America

and prisons

and

been

politicians,
was

white

money

black

honesty

loose

was precisely

forgetful
our

Reagan

of delusions

most

It

That

us

this

coalition-building;

the

a people.

to black

firearms

blacks

those

accountable.

legerdemain;

forces,

at

action,

eroded

Ronald

of

do you think

all

others.

made

was unique

sums

couldn't

it

me about

caused

as

eventually

None of this

spend

and

what

to efforts

and our

thought;

fabrication;

it

talk

individuals

man,

backs?

caused

pain

our

--

concerned

it

emotional

between
as

our

Yet what

the

the

in a while

us behind

talk.

just

on us

once

was

daily
such
to

be

where

it

pleased.
The
heartfelt

continuing
desires

struggle
with

to
workable

align
plan

word
--

and
didn't

action,
self-esteem

our

finally
into

depend

on just

organizing,

and

conclude

that

no

serve

more

to

arise

hearing,

suspected
that

that

to

have

because

of

our

deeper

truth,

It

was a truth

saw

down,

the

away

returned,

I called

a meeting

that

A long
"You' 11

two

up Harlean,

Saturday

pause.
see.

blood-lines

we'd

stories

I was

Harlean

--

the

be.

But

country,

the
us,

it

limpid,

seemed

and told

visit
her

our

name

hazel-colored

to

of

time

and

the

eyes.

my family.
I need

blood.

me of every

Arab

me

simply

because

through

to

Not

but

running

the

there;

defeat.

reminded

with

a means

vulnerable

in

weeks,

could

American's

on my part,

admit

inadvertently

and those

--

would

from

was to

man

me to

wholeness

of the

I was
would

to

me

experience.

status.

black

for

the

was inevitable

status

Salim

than

of

led

lead

black

sense

fine

had

would

typical

Our

of our

which

or of culture

Mr. Marshall,

internal

skin,

the

I always

minority

this

of race

me.

alternative

which

went

--

from

a conclusion

a truth

toffee-colored

which

somehow grow out

details

him

belief

more

to

Bates,

deep

embrace

that

for

my own mongrel

affirming

belief

for

something

Mrs.

such

was that

basis

could

contradictory
Perhaps

of

it

would

from

messy,

the

from
It

was

It

of purity

as

than

inherited.

it

notions

self-esteem
have

this?

her

When
to

come to

night.

"What

about?"

Be ready

by

six ... we' 11 grab

a bite

to

eat

first."
Our destination

was a full

hour

li

away from Harlean's

apartment,

in one of the
migrated

in search

restaurant,
her

at

of a paying

work,

conversation
we spoke,

we kept

the

skirting

time

girls

out

through
teacher,

without

each other's

trip.

program,

I assumed -- who sat

were too excited

questions

of

full.

to sit

their

still:

had

a Vietnamese

we talked
her

about

back.

The

pause or reflection;

as

bill

An usher

and walked

girls

cue from the

beside

them.

older

our

teenage

diligently

their

who showed

next

showed us to

of a group of black

thumbed
woman -- a

Most of girls,

though,

and giggled

and asked

they whispered

chaperone,

and blues

gaze.

Some of the

taking

with

restaurant

out to be in front

on a field

their

though,

was already

which turned

and shrimp,

was having

the

jazz

We found

she

we had paid

theatre

where

audience.

of noodles

problems

seemed forced,

By the

seats,

neighborhoods

and over a plate

boss

door,

north-side

an admirable

patience

thoughout.
The room was suddenly
fell

quiet.

Then the

women appeared
their

bodies

lights

on the stage,

rose,
dressed

in darkness,

a dim blue
in flowing

in

awkward contortion.

woman dressed

in brown,

began to cry out:

" ... half-notes

scattered

without

frozen

blanketed

rhythm/

distraught
over

a black

it's

funny/

no tune

laughter
girl's
it's

fallin
shoulder
hysterical
25

and the

girls

now, and seven black

skirts

and scarves,

One of them,

a big

the

melody-less-ness

don't

tell

she's

dancing

on beer

the

shades

and

shapes,

and not

"somebody/

her

girl's

to

know you

carin/

her

her

song

of

life

next

betrayed

hurt

inside

forgiven.

hour,

the

limbs

their

They

men,

showed

voice,

elusive.

sang

have

raped

on their

their

women took

They

them,
these

callouses

ascendant,

round

and

across

slender,

the

stage:

... "

and what might

of

cream,

of

times

songs.

them,

lilt

hard

their

fantasies

and

stretching

and

a chorus

rhythms

For the
singing

mahogany

came to life,

song

struggle/

sing

women slowly

out

know herself

sing

. "

anybody

to

but

other

so young,

a black

bring

& shingles

cans

spoke,

young

dance

a soul

As she
many

sing

of her

them,

hurt
each
feet;
the

They

been.

turns

about

telling

lost

that
other

was
their

they
flutter
wept

over
26

stretch-marks
their
a
the

discarded

men who loved

they

understood

of

and

of the

them;

revealed

stories,

time

They sang
embraced

their

hand,
aborted

sang
and

of

the

sometimes
and cruelty

beauty,
beauty
children,

in

the

waning,
the

--~~-~-------

murdered
their

children,

songs,

the children

violent,

each of them,

angry,

heart-breaking

seemed one spirit.

sing

sweet,

a single,

unflinching,

dances.

At the

simple

And through

all

They danced

end of the

of

the women danced,

and rhumba and bump and solitary

double-dutch

sweat-breaking,

they once were.

play,

that

until
spirit

waltz;
they

all

began

to

verse:

"i found god in myself

& i loved

her/

Lights
wildly.

lot.

against

Harlean

her

fiercely

came up; bows were taken;

I helped

parking
ice

i loved

Harlean

with

The temperature
the

leaned

black
over

her

the
coat

girls

and we walked

had dropped;

sky.

the

As we waited

and kissed

behind

me on the

for

stars
the

us cheered
out

to the

glinted

car

like

to warm up,

cheek.

"Thanks."
deep brown,

Her eyes,
hand

and

Nothing

gave

it

a quick

more was said:

until

I had

never

broke

left
that

were shin:u:iering.

her

squeeze

for the
at

precious

her

entire
door

si:ence.

27

before
ride

I grabbed
starting

her

gloved

up the

car.

back to the South

Side,

and wished

her

good night,

we

Chapter

With Auma, my life

She had first
was still

called

in New York.

and I had never

I knew that
letters

changed.
two years
The call

or perhaps

her

always

left

-- neither

coming to the

and our correspondence

Then,
phone
with

a colonial

the words,
there,

misplaced

forgotten
with

the

the
phone

and

small

the

Could

too

first

time:

it's

needing

with

protection,

tinged

understand

stay

see

with

the

it

the

she said,

grew

as if

of

New York?
wait.

quiet

I can't

here's

some treat

air

me, I can't

she said,

that,

been

on a trip

me in

line

expensive,
after

dark,

I couldn't

come to

Well,
so

up the

the

with

stay

our contact

to be doled

the

next

few weeks rushing

about

on

flight

out

measure.
I had spent

were

seemed to have always

and then

We hung up quickly
thing

plans

I picked

soft,

carrying

you will

I laughed,

long,

for

distance.

in Manhattan,

she

sound of our breath.

information.
a fragile

But the

cordial

a sound that

I had said,

laughed,

the

forgotten,

friends.

and in our

of my coming there

For a few moments,

not

my half-sister

in Germany,

She was coming to the States,

several

static,

for

sound,

but

lives.

Ofcourse,
She

her voice

only the

when I

only intermittently.

States.

in my office

accent.

death,

of us had any money, we would say --

maintained

one morning

and heard

study

the possibility

visit,

vague

to each other

Kenya to

we had mentioned

my fathers

came as a surprise:

met, had written

she had left

after

in preparation;

was
in

new sheets

for

the

tub.

two

days

But

called

again,

come after
just

been

than

that.

happen

She began

to

see

David,

Barack.

cry.

her

each

to fly

day.

Oh,

only

her

the

Auma had
I can't
he's

I don't

... he's

know more

Why do these

empty,

life,

the

just

in my mind.

After

a young

wheels

spin

were

these

skycrapers
of Auma's
away,

this

woman from
possess,

things

her

imagines

at

death

the
of his

was the
I would

strangers

tumbles

answers

to

such

the

my off ice
for
grey
seem

extinguished

itself

over

On a dark
against

unspoken

so randomly?
questions,

make

streets

of

and over
and dusty

hard

my blood?

stopped

go

wide,

who carry

that

needed

be gone

a gusting

What wild,

had

into

against

sorrow?

earth,

wind.

Who

What saves

dreams

did

Who am I,

who sheds

this
who

no tears

own?

day that
not

a woman cries.

gather

she

Manhattan's

playing

be other

to

I'd

boulevards

of control,

flies

these

dreams

barely

out

voice

I went

afternoon

and

if

had

my secretary

that

silence,

people,

told

would

her

she

she hung up,

remember

boy skids
to

quieted;

wandering

A continent

road,

voice

There

I asked

afternoon

the

sound

I could.

I said;

and then

the

when

completely

as best

other,

home.

I spent

streets,

And that

brothers,

to

out

arrive,

a whisper.

accident.

and wretched,

That

our

to

barely

a motorcycle

Eventually

arrangements

the

now,

One of

comfort

us to

anything.

boy

scheduled

scrubbing

us?

for

bathroom

and towels,

was

thicker

Barack.
In

plates
she

voice

killed.

I tried

the

extra

before

the
all,

to

times

bed,

cure

I realized
myself.

I still

had a wound to heal.

I called

Auma back as soon as she returned

began making new plans,

only this

determination,

together

so that

patching

she could

Which is

with

the

easy,

dark,

customs

graceful,

round,

the little

come to Chicago,

how, on a rainy

from behind

time with

where by that

face that

single-minded

time

I came to

at O'Hare

foot-splayed

sculpted

a grim,

and we

money we had between

day in March,
gate

to Germany,

Airport,

steps,

I had moved.

see

like

her

emerge

an African

and searching

blossomed

us

woman

eyes,

a wood rose

and a

whenever

she smiled.
"Barack?"
"Auma?"
"Oh my. "

I lifted
laughed

her off the ground

as we looked

at each

as we embraced,

other's

faces,

her bag and we began to walk to the parking

through

mine,

"So,
to tell

and we laughed

and when I picked

garage,

and
up

her arm slipped

which made me happy.

brother,"

she said

as we drove

into

the

city,

"you have

me everything."

"About what?"
"Your life,
"From the
"Start
I

told

organizer,

beginning?"

anywhere."
her

about

my mother

much about
already

ofcourse."

them

knew them.

Chicago

and

and grandparents

from

our

father,

she

She described

New York,

as

an

and Maya -- she had heard

so

said,

Heidelberg,
l

she

my work

felt

as

if

she

where she was trying

to

finish

a PhD in comparative

literature,

and her

difficulties

in

Germany.
"I

have

no right

a scholarship,
still

Germans

to Africans,

have

the

black

people

know what

Still,

I don't

care

for

the

that

to

are

Old Man,

same

right

to

me,

force

that

I told
to

"You'll

And you

said,
only

I laughed,

goblins.
to

imagine

what

the

it

first

liberal

German

when
the

still

can't

have

time.

it

fairy-tales,

they
must

I was

You knw,

you see

Such things

at

what

Auma called

once

familiar

understood.
sat

our
and

forget

been

Whether

father.

distant,

like

he felt

It

sounded

an elemental

In my apartment,

on oy bookshelf,

so innocent,

her

She shook

surface
In

if

so much.

very

have

a studio

she

held

picture

up
that

saved.

tony

my office

She

That's

fully

"He looks
next

the

"I

... "

somehow,

had

as

said.

be doing

Germany

childhood.

home for

of him that

my mother

picture

the

leaving

isn't

picture

you scratch

I try

loneliness

for

she

I would

themselves

their

always

Sometimes

of

if

of

The Old Man.

the

think

but

attitudes

so easily.

I suppose,"

I don't

like

comes

complain,

a flat.

in Kenya.

the

to

face.

she

for

doesn't

he?

So young."

"You have

the

same mouth."

should

lie

down and get

She held

some rest

while

the

I went

a few hours.

her
feel

head.

"I'm

better

"Aggh,

if
I see

met him once?

but

she

didn't:

not

tired.

you take
your
It

me go with

you."

a nap."

bossy

must

Let

like

be in

instead,

the
her

the

Old Man as

well.

blood."
eyes

wandered

over

my

face

as

that,

if

it

were

beneath

her

the

a tour

first

of

the

I introduced

her

England,

talking

"They
remind

and stuck
the

face

I shrugged.
That
face.

from
letter

prepared
sighed

me.

old

doing

"This

I'd

politics

know.

People

left

about

taken

those
now.

and Margaret,

for
Kenya

so pretty,

She

watching

them to take
and

like

how she
the

themselves

Queen

thorougly

afterwards.

down the

Michigan

Avenue

pass

by:

a garage

full

of

Theatre,

this

them,

for

"They

rolled

Roseland

Barack?"

business,

she

window

asked,

I mean?"

For me."

of puzzlement,

like

I had

I gave

habits.

organizing

them.

heart.

Yvonne

enjoyed

home."

wind,

a problem

much,"

and fear,

she

returned

to her

said.

that?"

don't

There

The

you

"For

don't

"Why's

home,

the

her

you, " Auma said

back

same expression,

"I

"I

of

of the

"Are
to

fond

into

them

my strange

aunties

remains

back

Loretta,

Auma all

of

at

to

some of my own memories

to

asked

three

very

our

cars.

turning

her

me and all

her

gutted

rusted

the

seem

me of

with

piece

drive

and how come she talked

and

about

same

up some flyers

They

hair

another
nagged

the

only

by to pick

Al tgeld.

braided
of

Side,

office,

to

solve,

chatter,

South

in Chicago,

who had stopped

to

exuberant

few days

At the

back

a puzzle

was a letter

a German
was
dinner,

and clicked

always

for
law

her

she
her

sat

waiting

student

voluminous,

at
at

tongue,

end up disappointed."
in my mailbox

who she
least
the
her

seven

kitchen
face

said

she'd

pages
table

suddenly

when we got
been

long,
and
soft

seeing.
and

as

laughed
and wistful.

and

He's

"I thought

you didn't

She rubbed

her eyes

so sweet!

And sometimes

Barack.

Sometimes

anybody
his

shivers.

Also,

idea

take

it.

about

you,

just

life

her letter

Barack?"

you're

I looked

there

sister

mostly.

warm.

Old Man made of

me, how do you say . the

career,

we would have to live

what it

would be like

in

for me,

and I don't

of green

Sometimes
into

"One weekend,
parents

were there,

autumn,

beautiful,

across

this

in her

"A white
eyes.

think

that

private

world,

green
girl.

a year.

just

peppers.

"I

She had dark

sounded

like

On the weekends,

sometimes

in mine.

two people,

to her families

and they were very nice,

hills

of it

You know
hidden

and

Your own customs.

she invited

icy

"What

problems,

Her voice

for almost

in her apartment,

the shore.

They knew how the

00 you have these

I said.

with woods all

round,

along

11

then went back to chopping

Your own language.

collected

of what the

confused?"

We saw each other

how you fall

me to trust

and put it back in the envelope.

who's

at her,

and specks

wind chime.

for

as a foreigner,

she asked.

knew a woman in New York,"

hair

know,

impossible

gives

imagining

I don't

11

She folded

it

I start

my entire

could

I think

of marriage

is different.

him so badly!

just

with Otto and his

Germany, you see.

living

it's

I said.

"Yah -- Otto

I treat

you see.

and the

Germans,"

and laughed.

I think

completely,

life,

like

lake,

around
full

The family
had

formed,

of

country

house.

very gracious.

us,

and we paddled

small

gold

knew every
how the

The
It was

a canoe

leaves

that

inch of the land.

glacial

drifts

had

formed the

lake,

ancestors

--

hunted

the

the names of the earliest

and before

land.

it

old books,

had known -tremendous

presidents,

from Germany.

the two of us,

with

I had been doing

I was the one that

was filled

that

it

he
this

solidity,

you

our worlds,

from each other

together

house.

I felt

room, I realized

if we stayed

who had

famous people

tremendous

were as distant

I knew that

in her world.

The library

This

in that

Indians

industrialists.

room.

-- their

her grandfather's

the grandfather

the

Standing

and mine's,

old,

diplomats,

to

settlers

names of the

grandfather.

and pictures

know, a weight.

live

from his

gravity

my friend's

the

The house was very

He had inherited
with

that,

white

as Kenya is

I would eventually

most of my life.

knew how to live

Between

as an outsider."

"So what happened."

I shrugged.

"I pushed

future

pressed

to

a new play,

see

play,

but very

was mostly
church.

matter

said

it

car

would if

was over,

were so angry

remembering

wasn't,

black

--

and she said

fight,

right

she started
she could,

but

the
asks

that

anger

of the

She couldn't

she couldn't.
l

fight.

they were in

and I said

that's
was just

theatre.
be black,
She could

angry

talking

why Jews

her

The audience

like

started

The

I took

was a very

humor.

time,

and she said

in front

crying.

American

my friend

nobody

I said

It

and hollering

all

to

One night

playwright.

Typical

play

I think

had a big
the

the

We started
world.

and were clapping

people

Holocoust,

by a black

funny.

After

of

away.

in on our warm little

black,

why black

her

about
it

was a

remember

different,

the
and I

a dead end.

We

When we got back

she said.
only

She

be herself,

---------------------====-

and wasn't

that

enough."

"Do you ever

"I

got

someone.

hear

from her?"

a postcard

at

She happy

Christmas.

now, she's

met

And I have my work."

"Is

that

enough?"

"Sometimes."

took

visiting

the

off

Americans
stubborn

visiting

were

of the

recognized

world,

naturally,

the

so easily

I would find

myself

of

day

mistrusting

and

can

overweight.

explain

later,

it;
accept

only that
with

that

the

that

to uncertainty.
I

loved

after

trying

it

out

with

a self-reliance

love,

heads

She was

burdened

knew that

that
that

only

shrunken

my own response

and fiercely,

Even now I can't

is,

that

together,

Auma decided

sometimes

asserting

response,

day

old photographs

where
and

impish,

and always

end

digging

supermarket,

sometimes

the

to go see the

and generous

as a learned

And by

still

we spent

(I wanted

the

friendly

sometimes,

myself.

and

Museum, but Auma refused),

of my closet,

and

day

the Art Institute

at the Field

weight

next

so

she was gone,

to explain
the

her

it

to

love was true,

certain

blind

gratitude.
We didn't
our

conversation

memory.
lake's

speak

~uch about

stopped

It was only that

crumbling

no further

until

break-wall,

our father,

whenever
night,

we threatened

after

that

we opened up the

though;

dir~,er

we both
subject.

to

it

was as if

skirt

on his

and a long walk along

sensed

that

we could

go

So Auma began to tell

me about

the

Old Man, at least

"I can't

say I real.-ly

nobody did not really.

knew scraps

In Hawaii

came

to

children.
with

coming.

white

brother

young

to

but Roy was six,

I just

person

People

only

away when I

at Harvard.

When he

Roy and

country,

in Kendu Bay,

remember

were

and they

that

small

much about

so maybe he can tell

remember

with

took us from our mother

this

I had ever been near,

him

you more

he came back

I remember that

that

"Maybe

children.

with our mum in the

them in Nairobi.

first

she began.

was so scattered.

oldest

woman named Ruth,

with

Barack,"

You know, he was already

I was too

happened.

remember.

your mum, and then

our

I was four,

American

the

Kenya,

family.

what

live

with

We had lived

her

about

even his

of him.

was born.
back

knew him,
His life

and pieces,

"I was scared

what she could

to go

woman, Ruth,
and that

an

was

suddenly

she was to be my new mother."

"Why didn't

you stay

with your own aether?

She shook her head.

to

keep

asked

children

about.

live

with

better

It
well

about

She only
another

wife,

living

with

off

"In those
see.

in a divorce

my mother

talk

first

He was working
was only
connected

"I don 't know exactly.

this

latter,

says

that

and that
the

years,

if

all

they

but

it

want them,
is difficult

she thought

Old Man because

oil

refused

the top government

to

would be

he was rich.
really

well,

company -- Shell,

independence,

is.

for her to

us children

the Old Man was doing

after

that

the Old Man's new wife

for an American

a few years
with

--

In Kenya, men get

and the
people.

you

I think.

Old Man was

He had gone to

school

with

would all
about

many of them.

come to the house

politics.

everybody

He had

was impressed

already

The vice-president,
sometimes

a big
with

wife,

which

was still

married

to Ruth,

he had

to

rare

and drink

house

and

him because

had so much education

although

later,

African

woman whenever he chose.

were born

at this

time.

born

in our big house

mother's

children.

in Westlands.
They lived

know them.

us,

Old Man visited

without

telling

think

then.
rich,

were ok.

I think,
I'd

Ruth,

us like

and they
get really

But I remember sometimes

when

they

chocolates

came to the

brothers
children,

they were my
in Kendu.
house

he would always

sent
they

much until

later,

I was so young.

in the village

She treated

States.

they were Ruth's

this

to see

go alone,

the way our lives

I think

it was harder

he was old enough to remember what it had been like

living

me, things

have

our four other

They never

about this

in two, because

on Roy, because
in Kendu,

but he

mum. As if

also

Abo and Bernard,

them,

and

Ruth.

"I didn't
were divided

with my real

with her in the village,

Roy and I didn't

and when the

Benz,

when he was still

he could

beautiful

Mark and David,

him and talk

And he had an American

That

you see.

they

he was so young,

he would go out sometimes

show people,

with

a Mercedes

from abroad.
--

ministers,

us

our mum and her people.

our new mother,

her own children.

was really

excited

whenever

Roy would refuse

I

1Q

presents

a package
to take

remember

but later

nice

Her parents

would send us beautiful

sweets.

had sent,

with

in the

once
night,

For
to us

were very
from the

came from them.

their
he

gifts,

even

refused

some

when he thought

I was asleep,
left

I saw him taking

on our dresser.

knew that

to David,

left

the

and her attention

company

of Tourism.

Sixty-seven,

the

President

well

the second
all

the
that
his

jobs.

white

gunman.

Luos began
cracked

suspicion

to protest

down.

between

the

People

under

would tell
country,

the

that

serious.

of intrigue.
to

complain

of serving

M' boya,
in the

had taken

up businesses

and land

Odinga tried
arrest

was

were killed.

by

and the
All

to start

as a communist.

killed

streets,

The

Kikuyus were

That instead

house

the

and at

Kikuyus.

and he began

buying

this

a Kikuyu
government

created

more

tribes.

"Most of the Old Man's friends

with

the

was full

to the masses.

Luo minister,

more

Kenyan politicians

colonials,

was placed

popular

become

tribe,

corrupt.

for

But by Sixty-six,

had

was a Luo,

The Old Man, he

ambitions,

began to complain

for independence,

Another

live

to Mark,

government,

government.

was becoming

but

the

The government

be redistributed

own party,

police

tribe,

Odinga,

of the

should

the

largest

who had fought

place

in

was from the

best

the government

those

I had

I think

first

to them.

in

Kenya

The Vice-President,
that

work

in

largest

the

Ruth gave birth,

shifted

to

divisions

Kenyatta

getting

that

because

He may have had political

he was doing

Luos,

say anything,

began to change.

American

Ministry
first

But I didn't

chocolates

he was unhappy.

"Then things
then

some of the

situation.

But the

people,

in public,

and that

unqualified

that

just

kept

Old Man began

tribalism

men were taking

ll

quiet

and learned

to speak

was going
the

best

up.

to
He

to ruin

the

jobs.

His

friends

tried

to warn him, but he didn't

he knew what
promotion,

was best,

. you see.

he complained

do your

loudly.

job properly?'

he could

not keep his

had no shoes

on his

"I don't
that

Old Man.
of the

to look

to hire

for

the

him.

join

couldn't

him.
him.

the

a post,

Development
the

had

to

kept

looking

because
until

he

But I know

became very bad for the

blacklisted.

None
foreign

and was hired

in Addis

Bank

revoked

accept

food on the

Mercedes.

the

he knew stopped
be seen
changed

are true.

abroad,

Ababa,
his

small

was only becau.se

the

apologized,

Old

but

to work
before

passport,

and

he
he

Kenya.

Even this

to

the

co111panies were warned by police

government

had to sell

dangerous

that

When he went to

table,

We had to move out of the big house

people

you how

to the Old Man that

from the government,

for

he

The job

he

in to see the President.

as an enemy, things

him work.

even leave

Department.

I am teaching

details

would give

them,

"Finally,

feet.

He began

African

up for

he would not work again

know how much of these

ministries

not

said

mouth shut,

He was banished

companies

could

Kenyatta

the President

with

and yet

and he was called

to the stories,

thought

'How can you be my senior'

Word got back to Kenyatta

Man was a troublemaker,

According

He always

When he was passed

would say to one of the ministers,

to

care.

with
his

him.

to

but

visit,

he would
12

it

into

They told

attitude,

with

one of his

He began to drink
coming

job

the

friends

was a big
a smaller
heavily,
because

him that
be alright.

Water
pitied

fall
house.

for
He

and many of
now it

was

maybe if

he

But he

refused,

and continued

"I
time,

understood

I just

Man never

most-of

saw that

life

late,

drunk,

us

Roy and myself

for

only

having

such

to scold
hear

a father.

I didn't

as well,

how in her mind we were connected

openly

that

she could
one.

us differently
we were not

a serious

car

of the
the

I lived
that's

her

children,

her

and there

the

Old Man, that

us when I was nine or ten,

she pitied

for

this

--

feel

She

She would say

was only
like

feeling

He had been drinking,

other

a white

car,

Old Man was in the

with

after

accident.

relatives.

so much

we had no

was not so far

farmer,

hospital,

the Old Man had had

I think,

was killed.
almost

When he finally

a year,

and the
For a long

and Roy and

got out of the hospital,

you and your mum in Hawaii.

He told

the two of you would be coming back with him, and that

we would have a proper

returned,

and that

to her unhappiness.

Roy and I began to

when he went to visit

us that

at how the

truth.

"She left

time,

Ruth,

home, she would

from her own two sons.

us.

And when Ruth left

driver

at

But I began to see how Ruth blamed Roy and myself

do to help

from the

He would come

bitter

blame

agreed.

The Old

him shouting

was crazy,

probably

began to treat

us.

when he wasn't

our father

At the

difficult.

Ruth became very

Sometimes,

mind.

when I was older.

except

and I could

that

was on his

at home became very

her to cook him food.

Old Man had changed.

tell

this

spoke to Roy or myself

home very
telling

to say whatever

family.

But you weren't

and Roy and I were left

"Because

of the accident,

to deal

with

with

him when he

him by ourselves.

the Old Man had now lost

13

then

his

job at

the Water Department,

bounced around

from relative

put us out because

run-down

house

several

us.

had their

That

all

was a terrible

our troubles,

anything
still

way he

Obama.

We would

charities,

just

sometimes,

but he would just

and didn't

understand.

It
fights.

left.

He just

taking

stopped

people.
with

him for

me with

Sometimes

leaving

him.

I would stay

Man come through

the

Then he would stagger

because
about

he wanted

up half
door,

the most -- the

children

by then,

and started

I wouldn't

with

clean

the

and cook

the night,

waiting

about

and come into

or something

understand

anything
li

donate

to

with

him

to

almost
living

with

Old Man, for

for

in

but I was so

the

him not

not

Old Man.

to hear

the Old

coming

home.

my room and wake me

eat.

He would talk

how unhappy he was, and how he had been betrayed.

so sleepy,

of Dr.

young girl,

why Roy had to leave,

worrying

in drunk

company,

He was older

me alone

I had to

to Roy or myself

They would have terrific

coming home,

I understood

got worse.

I was a foolish

Finally

for

to feed

I would argue

him and Roy.

different
angry

to keep up appearances!

Roy just

just

and he would

was worse between

college.

admit
what hurt

empty cupboards,

The Old Man had so

how we were the

say that

there

and his temper

that's

about

Then we found

from relatives

I think,

I think

on airs,
have

time.

we

they would

and he stayed

he would never

was wrong.
put

but eventually

of town,

This made him more ashamed,

For awhile,

own troubles.

money, he would have to borrow

Despite
that

they

to live.

to relative,

in a rough section

years.

little

and we had no place

he was saying.

I would be
Secretly,

,~----------------------

-------

I began

to wish that

he would just

--

stay

out

one night

and never

come back.
"The only thing
a girls

school

strict,

and still

after

all

teachers
the

that

that

the

had once been reserved

very

white

I was sent

heard

about

stay

at

happy

school

him to himself,

improved.
again

died,

in government.

looked

the

bitterness

age-mates

him.

And it was too late

time,

he lived

afford

again

tc

spells

I cried

in

It gave me

fees,

night.

and

I didn't

One of the head-mistresses

sad to

that

say,

but

Old Man anymore.

let

me

I was so

I just

left

back.
the Old Man's situation

finance

But I think

of what had happened

to him,

to pick up the pieces

in a hotel

room,

He would have

Africans

to work

ministry,

and influence.

buy a house.

-- Europeans,

African

and somehow the Old Man was able

alone

Very

on to.

all

who had been more politically

a long

allowed

even pay my school

It's
the

was

I became active

to hold

in high school,

to have money again,

over

they

He got a job with the

other

short

with

two years

Kenyatta

started
got

live

and never

"In my last

British.

and gave me a scholarship

as a boarder.

It

when I was there,

things,

Something

But I was lucky.

to not have to

the

as much as I could.

I was so ashamed,

my situation,

the

that

Old Man couldn't

know what I would do.

for

was only

these

there

you see.

the

home.

it

had left,

to stay

of order,

"One year,

--

But despite

and tried

some sense

racist

students

to lecture.

school,

saved me was Kenya High School.

astute
of his

he never
seeing

rise

and

his

ahead of

family.

For

even when he could

different

-- but nothing

ever

women for
lasted.

almost

never

with me.

saw him, and when I did,

We were like

strangers,

that

behave.

I remember when I got my scholarship

he tried

to forbid

all

might
the

I left

interfere

I felt

gone

through,

Only at the

me how to

to study

in Germany,

So I just

Can you imagine?

left

a fugitive,

with my student

visa,

in Germany that

towards

him.

how even
end,

without

saying

After

good-bye.

I was so afraid

that

he

which had to be approved

by

business

conference
since

I had left.

relaxed,
even

almost

to change.

hotel,

understood

peaceful.

at

an

because

do I think

international

we hadn't

friends
I noticed

and I said

me to all

out chairs
how proud
a little

good time.

unreasonable,

I was going

his

friends

he was of me.
tumbler

to filch

it,

be so

in a fancy

at a British

On the
that

You know,

he could

for me and making a great

glass

spoken

in Germany he seemed really

We had a really
completely

life,

himself.

time I saw him, he was

Kenya

But when he arrived

see what he had

He took me with him to London, and we stayed

He was pulling

London,

The last

I was apprehensive,

and he introduced

his

I could

really

representing

when he was being

charming!

With distance,

go of some of the

making such a mess of his

trip,

in Europe.

began to let

he had never

after

he was maybe beginning

in,

tell

'You are to young to leave,'

Kenya like

was only

anger

all

wanted to

government.
"It

on

and could

a only a girl.'

we had been through!

Literally,

father,

me from leaving.

'You are still

know how to behave

but you know, he still

pretend

he said.

he was a model

he didn't

fuss,

flight

club.
telling

back

from

his whisky was served

and he said,

'There's

no

need

for

bring

such

things.'

me a whole

When the

set

stewardess

again.

Like

his

about

the

future.

Kenya,

I take

he would

time.

find

By then,

adults.

has

happened

the

baby,

right

went

to

the

shoulders,
came

was

she
just

explained

her,

corner,

her

and asked

her

owned

the

plane.

a little

girl

like

and

found

husband.

to

fathered

once
was

to

own ways,

nodded,
had
the

back

creepers
shoulders
put

in

slow,

sobs.
the

Sometimes
some inner

a chance

I think
peace.

ll

with

at

She

inching

shake

around

her

deep

waves.

the

a young
we're

George,

really

our

do

as

where ... where

have

When he died,

father's

stood
was

up and

clutching

her

hunched

violently.
she

wept,

the

"Do you

see,

starting

he might

all

and what

to

over

to

you

if .. "

me.

"I was just

point

touching,

Now she

begin

my arms

to

But with

staring

to

I returned

and myself,

to undo.

dim light.
turned

and

own memories,

as if as
been

money,

son,

'Roy

our

and we

make up for

another
him,

lunch,

needed

It

You have

her

between

getting

me to

me that

slate.

like

through

himself.

He told

hard

in

now those

said

me if

of us is

Auma

hands

washing

Barack?"

I felt

He asked

our

a clean

time,

and

he

he took

So I told

all

window,

up behind

sorrow

with.

And he just

her

me,

if

to do . as if he could

soft-focused

herself,

the

is

some

photograph,

as

visit,

he had just

between

by him.
For

to

me a proper

We have

he

them

something.

woman he was living

already

stewardess

glasses,

of his

what he was trying

lost

the

princess.
day

that

the

handed

last

insisted

It

of

"On the
talked

know,

He called

to know him.
he

might

really
I felt

have
turned

so ... so

cheated.

As cheated

outside,
crossed

a car screetched

under

pulled

as you must have felt."

the

behind

yellow

a band

of the

her

do,"

her

shirt,sleeve.

she said,

turned

to me.

much!

He would show off your picture

well

you were doing

exchange
During

letters.
the

I think

really

against

him,

reading

them out loud.

say how kind

least

there

himself,

your
are

at the

her breath,

to find
my life,

about

you so

and tell

us how

comforted

to

him.

seemed to have turned

into

my room and start

He would wake me up and make me listen,

the

letter

in his

'You see!'

who truly

care

her teeth,

Soon she was curled

But I remained

I felt

She

mum and him use

really

letters

and she

and

hand,

and

he would say.

for me.

He'd

'At

say this

to

over and over again

her.

looking

her

mum had been.

While Auma brushed

for

letters

of will,

laugh.

to talk

your

moon

what you've

out a fragile

to everybody,

he would shake

people

steadied,

when everybody

he would bring

when he was finished,

breath

I guess

those

bad times,

by force

at

man

the

As if

Old Man use

in school.

light;

"Ah, look

and let

"You know, the

and a solitary

street

cloud.

straightened,

eyes with

made your sister

circle

of black

Aumas body suddenly

wiped her

around a corner,

awake, propped
stillness

trying

up under

of her

face,

to make some sense

sun in the

I had carried

sky,

a single

on its

the convertible

a blanket,

up in a chair

as if my world had turned

a blue

I prepared

to the

out of all
head;

that

as if

speaking

image of my father,

ll.

sound asleep.

with the desk light

listening

or animals

sofa

on,

rhythm
she'd

of

said.

I had woken up
like

men.

one that

All
I had

rebelled

sometimes

later

tried

friend,

upstanding

All

brief

visit

because

those

The brilliant

leader

things

in Hawaii,

I could

but had never questioned,

as my own.

to take

the

things.

against

--

scholar,

my father

and more,

one that

the generous

had

because

been

except

he had never been present

I had

all

for

to foil

those

that

one

the image;

not see what perhaps

most men see:

their

father's

body shrinking,

their

hopes

their

father's

face

inexplicable

lined

with

Yes,

I had

seen

dissapointments,
object

father's

best
grief.

weakness

the

image,

attributes

the black

I sought

DuBois and Garvey,

saw that

the black

short

struggles
remained

these

Replaced
defeated,

in the

by .. what?

been wrestling

attributes

_my father's

rebuking,
enough,

Barry.

chair,

A bitter

a ghost ..

that

white

It was into
I had packed

of Martins
And if

and

later

or Dan or Salim -to respect

voice

granting

the

had somehow

or withholding
You must help

in

man!

glow of a single

bureaucrat?
with

that

and had learned

Wake up, black

on a hard-backed

lonely

the

standards,

struggle.

emulate,

Nkrumahs and Mandela.

inspiring,

Now, as I sat
slightly

never

man, son of Africa,

You do not work hard

your people's

but

his

men had become

did not speak to my own.

men went through,

untainted,

Gramps and

But these

men I knew -- Frank or Keith

of such lofty

approval.

men --

love

in myself,

Malcolm,

fell

other

for me, men I might

men and brown men whose fates

my father's

in

Lolo and his compromise.

lessons

dashed,

light

bulb,

image had suddenly

drunk?
The thought

An abusive
that

all

rocking
vanished.

husband?
my life

A
I had

For a moment I felt

probably

giddy;

would have laughed.

The emerald

curtain

projectionist.

is

what I damn well

The king

pulled

The rabble

had Auma not

aside

there

was

time

win back

satisfaction

it

hidden,
with

was I,

love-drawn

no one to guide

[What stood
brought

of my father

had at least
no longer

All he could
It

occured

know the

me in my passage

tell

to me that
man.

seem laid

kept
tell

all

with

Lolo
gifts

instances,

and son,

the

and fear.

standing

in that

I was also

a difficult

to the same defeat

me from doubt,

in our souls?]

me from despair.

left

world.
that

had

or warn

The fantasy

Now he was dead,

me how to live.

me, perhaps,
for

and I had

daughter

earlier

through

first

as I watched

who'd been left

father

that

my new-found

soon gave way to sadness

between

that

sensing

infraction

and his

As in these

man-child,

the traps

He could

I won't

had been the

some minor

in the way of me succombing

all

I can do

seemed,

from

there

down the Old Man? Who might protect

me against

truly.

job.

struggle

had

than I had felt

superiority
the

be

of my mother

won from his

of adolescent

For if

lonely

to run riot,

my balance,

than

to whip me for

affections

and trinkets
flush

to

no more satisfaction

the

I thought.

a feeble,

I do, it

to regain

No more satisfaction

back;

him.

little

Gramps tried

struck

Whatever

wore on; I tried

liberation.

reveal

room,

for what man, if not the Old Man, has the

power over me to say otherwise?

The night

to

in the

overthrown,

of my head is free

please;

do much worse than

is

been

was what had happened

the new information,

What had happened

to all

his

vigor,

I still
his

to him.
didn't
promise?

What had shaped

his

mind,

once again

I imagined

bitterness?

As

the

first

the

questions

formed

and only time

I'd

in my

seen him,

the man I now knew must have been as apprehensive

as I was, the man

who had returned

to Hawaii

to shift

past

try

that

part

and reclaim

misplaced.

frozen

by the
that

examination.

parted

reclined

head,

glimpsed

the

the
price

Before

the

selves
years

part

would
later,

the

curve

smell

of

her

we had paid

that

unable
be

to

found

I looked

warmth
that

promised

had been

at the time,

into

any

We had
escape

wanting

the
under

Aumas face,

of her hand as it

for

and perhaps

old desires.

other,

lips,

Auma awoke,

the

my ten-year

of

true

Now fifteen

slightly

much.

our

sight

his

me his longings

I could have expressed

suspicion

her

of him,

He could not have told

more than
been

best

through

cupped

under

the

blanket,

fear.

We had missed

myself

I. wouldn't

her
and
so
miss

anymore

Ten days later,

terminal,

looking

taxi

take-off

and

drawing

we sat

out through
and

geometrical

land,

tracks

what she was thinking

"I was thinking
grandfather's

about,
about

land,

where

beautiful

place,

Barack.

outside,

and I'm

feeling

imagine

I'm

there.

in the hard plastic

Sitting

the high wall

the

bulky

seats
of glass

men in

tarmac.

and she smiled

slightly.

she said.

Granny

still

When I'm
lonely,

in

"Home Square
It's

Germany,

and

I close

compound,

carts

I asked Auma

lives.

sometimes

in the

at the planes

snub-nosed

on the grey-white

Alego,"

of an airport

-- our

the

most

it's

cold

my eyes

surrounded

and

by big

trees

that

something

our grandfather
funny,

us,

and the

the

smell

tree,

near

and I can hear

chickens

of the
the

planted.

fire

field

pecking

Granny is talking,
the

at the

from the
of maize,

cow swishing

its

edges

corn

cooking

hut.

is the place

of the

telling
tail

where the

behind

field,

And under

the

me

and
mango

Old Man is

buried "
Her flight
closed

was starting

her eyes,

holding

to board.

seated,

and she

my hand.

"We need to go home," she said.

and see him there."

We remained

"We need to go home, Barack,

Chapter

Salim
new sign
let

had done his

above the entrance,

in the

light

scrubbed,
suit

the

furniture

up on one side

Harold

that

"It's

straight,

opening

building.
to

Salim

wore a black

over

a long
a couple

fidgeting

to a high

folding

table

of his men on

with the picture

of

to you?" he asked me.

to cut the ribbon

It

had begged

white

us get

money for

latest

himself

were freshly

kufu had been polished

he fussed

in Roseland.

of the

with

candidates

ourselves

have

I walked

batch
"You've

the

Mayor at

his

we wanted

said

up,

him introduce
the office,

at

his

The

we just

one

to help

got him on the

that

we might

"good friend

my secretary

state

of backing

promised

suggesting
his

and

he d be happy

office.

election,
if

coup,

start

who had made the mistake

Sampson called

into

a great

activities

The alderman

in the mayoral

by letting

for the new MET intake

was considered

to

the

any project

Even Rev.

Whenever

Salim

and punch,

an old ward heeler

program.

The floors

open to

Salim."

a briefing

senator,

help

his

He wasn t the only one.

host

There was a

hung from the wall.

look straight

weeks

day.

of the room, instructing

The Mayor was coming,

for

spring

minutes,

the cookies

up.

and the door had been propped

tie;

"That

center

the place

rearranged.

leather

For several

how to arrange

to spruce

of a bright

and black

gloss.
set

best

Harold."

would hand me the

of messages.
sure

become popular,

Barack,"
.l

she would say,

before

the

phone started

ringing

I now looked
gathered
the

just

around

inside

few minutes

their

walky-talkies

door,

hair,

while

mostly
ties,

all

a hundred

politicians

the

burly

the

the people,

last

peeks

plain-clothes

people

for

I pulled

door

spoke

into

anything

Loretta

minute

out the

policemen

crowds

had

and hanger-ons,

women making

of them taking

and scanned

Wading my way through

over

room.

their

on their

every

the

the

men straightening

adjustments

again.

unusual.

and Dan aside.

"You guys ready?"

They nodded.
"Remember,"
our

rally

this

Explain

I said,
summer.

to him all

At that

Do it

and

from

motorcade
behind

himself.

He wore a plain

grey

looked

expected.

that

made a small

making

his

alderman.
hand.

chant

and the

out here,

Until

he

Salim
finally

of

the

pol icemen

his

Immediately,

-- "Ha-rold!
hand held

the
and me.

then

door

and a rumpled

cops
crowd.

came to

a sudden

of a limosine
I

saw the

Man

trench-coat;

smile

his

than
that

I had

of a man

the crowd began to break

Ha-rold!"

-- and the Mayor

up in acknowledgement.
leading
Past

Past

around.

and why "

the crowd,

was undeniable,

his

is

and he was shorter

plain-clothes

way through
Past

suit

to commit to come to
scheduler

up,

frazzled,

of his powers.

pirohette,

pulled

blue

a little

signature

Ms. Cerda

his

doing

a phalanx

Yet his presence

at the height
into

Harold

while

the work we're

A large

hair

to get

moment, a murmur ran through

stillness.
opened,

"try

Rev.

a stop,

the
the

way,

senator

Sampson's
directly

With
he began
and

the

outstretched
in

front

of

Loretta.
"Ms. Augustine."
"It's

a pleasure.
Loretta

asked

if

I've

looked

erect,
grin.

his

and the

arm,

crowd pressing

up in

front

open.

Loretta

about

involvement,
Rev.

smiling

widely

was cut,

the

were left

before

each

was over,

DCP.

fifteen

Avenue,

the

where

the church

The

gathering
They all

door,

the

same

Loretta

the

growing

Mayor

he got

the

for

photographers

the

had been set

MET center

would

soon

Dan gave a brief

us

name wrong.

alderman
they
limousine

crowd dispersed

almost

instantly,

litter-blown

to Loretta,

had blocked

members who had worked on the

As the

in the

stage

congratulated

our

to Margaret.

Police

in attendance;

and

the

minutes.
and a small

Sampson

over

and she

the Mayor offered

was it.

I walked

The Mayor

finally

Yvonne whispered

as the politicians

standing

out.

one wearing

towards

this?"

about

introduced

and that

pass

your work."

row of leaders.

scouts,

store-front

al though

senator,

Margaret.

the

as well

speech

event,

lasted

of Michigan
of

about

bow.

them.

can you believe

two blocks

project,

of

to

about,

two of them walked

The ceremony

things

him down the

a line

and made a slight

him to her associates,

and flutter

behind

"Honey,

off

excellent

When the review

helpless

hand,

she was going

to take

like

her

to introduce

and flit

composure

stood

heard

like

she was going

began to laugh
enough

He took

our

Behind

jockeyed

for

had hired.

him,

and just

civic
the

position,
The ribbon

sped away to the

next

a few of us

road.

who was busy talking

"When he opened his mouth,"

on

she was saying,

to Yvonne and
"and I heard

him say Ms. Augustine,

I swear I just

Yvonne shook her head.

"We got
instamatic

some

pictures,"

to break

in.

so then he tells
daughter.

I know it.

Margaret

said,

holding

up

her

The three
I threw

"Did we get

me that

a date

for

the

rally?"

I look too young to have a fourteen-

Can you imagine?"

"Did he agree

to come to our rally?"

of them looked
up my hands

my car was parked.

where

don't

died."

camera.

I tried

year-old

"Girl,

about

I repeated.

at me impatiently.

"What rally?"

and started

walking

down the

As I reached

my car,

I heard

street

to

Dan calling

'

from behind.
"Where you off

know.

"I don't

the wind kept blowing

to the

to in such a hurry?"

he said.

Somewhere."

to light

I tried

out the match.

cursing,

"You wanna know something,

ground.

a cigarette,

I tossed

but

the matches

Dan?"

"What."
"We're

trifling.

here we are,
out

here,

We act

That's

he needs

to take

a bunch of star-struck

around,

cheesing

picture

taken

trifling.

with

seriously.
children,

and grinning,

were real

players

So what do we do?
that's

worrying

I mean,

about

what.

Standing

whether

we got

him ... "

"You mean you didn't

cheerfully

--

with a chance to show the Mayor that

a group

like

what we are

and held

a hand on my shoulder.

get

yourself

up a Polaroid.

a picture?"

Ignoring

"You mind if
i

I tell

my evil

Dan smiled
look,

you somethin,

he put
Barack?

You need

to

the

fun

most

now,

lighten

they'

invite

Loretta

11

important.

be

And you
to

I climbed
I'm
"I

can

made

it

a rally?

What you call

have

had

bragging

all

about

happen.

and rolled

trifling

year.
It

So what

if

call

was

Ten years

it.

We can always

in my car

just

bit.

and them

still

Harold

Dan.

up a little

made
they

em

from
feel

forgot

to

him back."

down the

window.

"Forget

it,

yourself

}filY you

frustrated."
see

that.

But

you

should

ask

so

frustrated."
"Why do you think?"
"I think

Dan shrugged.
But

I also

think

happening

fast.

"I'm

not

you ain't
Like

not

to

prove

fast

to

us,

trying

satisfied.

to

anything,

Dan."

the

and I began

car,

hearing

Barack.

do a good

You want
to prove

I started
to avoid

just

something

to prove

enough

nothing

never

you got

trying

Dan shrugged.
but

you're

out

Dan say again,

We love

you,

job.

everything

here."

to

pull

away,

"You don't

man.

have

Jesus

loves

Chicago;

after

you."

Almost
the

a year

hardness

of winter,

Dan and

fruit.
strong;

had passed

they

months

Cathy's

organized

career

and

Sturgies

won

run-down

parks

overhaul

days

my arrival

of work had

street-comer

neighborhood

sponsored
Mrs.

since

for

area

an

clean-ups,

agreement

and

finally

group

youth.

playlots

in

had

grown

cleared

Further
from

begun

the

throughout

to
to

fifty

vacant

lots,

north,

Mrs.

Park

District

the

bear

area;

Bates
to
work

there

had already

begun.

programs

crime-watch

once only

Streets

instituted.

receiving

politicians

pronounce
little
I'd

to

As far

wrong.
overhear

just

Yvonne tell

different

person."

surrogate

prodigal

It should

they

were more than

what Dan said

to

mind:

those

I could

was true:

the

that

I could

do

got here,"
he was

think

he was a

I'd

become a

parent:

you could

the

felt
if

he had taken.

Perhaps

my image of hin

renained

the

I had

it

need to
to

that

so contradictory

Still,
that

was connected

of my father

weren't

might

of that
--

and his

live

make up

still

Because

first

a dissatisfaction

themselves

sign-posts

tag
were,

when I'd

muggy day in New York.

an ache.

I'd

the wrong turns

concrete

put a price

expected

news she had brought

as

with;

modest as my accomplishments

like

now felt

read

you worked

things

that

Only the mistakes

I couldn't

a proud

have rightly

Where once
I

couldn't

"Seems like

him now, you'd

I was dissatisfied,

me everywhere,

expectations,
mistakes.

of

proposition

life.

still

was concerned,

one day.

like

have been enough;

Aumas visit,

troubled

at

in the neighborhood,

to Jerry's

they

son.

appreciation

I followed

look

She spoke

on.

agreed

if

I began

work-shops;

have seen him when he first

to

where

so had my own.
and conduct

even

a new leader

I swear,

improvements

on panels

as our leadership

"You should

a boy.

The

sit

had grown,

knew my name,

it.

rooted,

had been.

stock

invitations

sewers

And now the new job center,

an empty store-front

As the organization's

local

had been repaired,

up to
for
clear

all

his
his
in my

warn me away from

confusion,

sometimes

because
one thing,

sometimes

another,

but

often

find

living

out a preordained

my father

myself

into

our

suburbs,

suddenly

respective

lot,

turned

out that

about

jobs

white

flight
South

delicacy

they

spring,

the

Side

a decade

were

that

suburbs,

Gary,

a city

things

were

so bad,

organizer

the

he said,

a bad training

he'd

the
been

where

it

concerned

same pattern

-- that

rife

--

of

had swept through

the

me that

I should

situation

fault.

have known better."

I just
2

and

to move

day-to-day

work

a new organization
ago collapsed
about

come with
for

you,"

Too many distractions.

Jerry.

racialism

He had decided

no one would care

too big.

leave,

with

starting

"The South Side's

just

then

were less

to do most of the

that

"This

"I can't

in the
that

churches,

the

economy had long

He told

I should

and white,

values

issues,

of an organizer.
is

suburban

repeating

and was now busy

where

had occured

when we stood

Since

found so distasteful.

another

the break

from the

before.

difficult

Jerry

city

low by the knowledge

the

property

I was following

that

reopen.

black

I was

We had officially

purposes

with

were with

and dropping

He hired

in the

time

that

Jerry.

brought

parishioners,

than

These

on.

of his

sense

I would

tragedy.

cold day in October

Jerry

--

with

he had shown me would never

most

the

once

unwittingly,

to his

practical

that

at

with

that,

efforts

for all

parking

spending

the

stricken

a captive

many months earlier,

plant

two things

were my problems

although

union hall

the

script;

error,

Then there
separated

never

got here."

--

in
where

the color

him.
he explained.

It's

not you' re

He looked
loyalty
is

at me with infinite

is admirable.

your

under

You'll

give

your

to

up organizing

before

hire

respectable
out

plan,

attachments
Side,

and train

that

occured

to

whatever

or place

plant

Dan or Loretta
him,

hoping

anywhere;
of

imagined
as they
right

would

be a

his

to him lay

made no particular

three

years

in the South

six-year

old boy.

lonely
their

was always

trekked

me, what

from his gracious

or the

the

I was seeing

would

required

but which was bigger

circumstances,

it

shot."

he might

to break
it

during

fail.

how much time

he'd

some

to

As I had listened

me that

get

bound

a real

for

wife,

it was only the idea that

symbolized

your

human warmth or connection

came from elsewhere:

In his work,

head:

a replacement
in place.

to people

Barack,

you can

and you' re

you gave it

to leave

it

where

here

worked out in his

budget

his

A situation
Stay

all

"Listen,

now, what you need to worry about

belt.

He had it
take

But right

own development.

success

patience.

priests

drove him, an idea that

than

right

That

of finding

mix of

bigger

the
than

to work with

idea might
the right

compounds.

the look Napolean

the wilderness,

the plant,

who had agreed

isolation.

a matter

his

take

spark

combination

In his

eyes,

or Mao might have possessed

waiting

for

history

to break

the

way.

"Jerry."
"What?"
"I'm

not going

We had finally
me with

consultation,

anywhere."
come to an agreement:
which I desparately

he continued
needed;

the

to provide
fee helped

subsidize

his

would remind
in getting
fancy

me off

So yes,

you might

there

I spent

former

not

center

time

or a picture

with

I felt

it .est

there

that

decisions

Connors

the

desolation.

in Altgeld.
mapping

not

a new job

I had begun spending

out

the

which

to identify

a target

--

thug -- who might be held

responsible

greeds.
older

less

heirarchy

more

along

characterized

a balding,

nothing

not the new park

streets,

lri"hat I found was a small

and small

manager,

acutely

or Pinkerton

or drafted

Harold.

spring,

and women, a group

by fear

repaved

That

on doors,

In my mind,

such proof:

were or were not made, trying

Bull

change

-- to the leaders,

mergers

time wasted.

black,

to really

or knocking

corporate

constituted

Slllooth,

the

men in

shots.

to prove

basements

wasn't

the

That what I did counted.

engineered

so far

the

was no risk

that

not trying

something

church

reports,

all

he

go home."

to myself.

classmates

we had accomplished
benches,

as well

in musty

comJllittee

Senate

calling

though,

there

up a park,

If you're

was always

meetings,

I had made, that

or fixing

Barack.

to my father,

to Jerry,

while

choice

repaved

is short,

out here,

time

In our weekly

downtown were still

"Life

the

the

a street

suits

things

work elsewhere.

band of older

by malice

or calculation

There was Mr. Peterson,

man who Loretta

black

for
men
than

the CHA project

and I went

to

see

one

afternoon.
"We do the
long,
tear

rattling
up whatever

best

with

what we got,

cough

into

his

we do within

11

he told

handkerchief.
a week.

Can't

us,

muffling

"Anyway,
kick

em out,

kids

a
just

because

some lawyer

downtown s gonna

Then my work-staff,
Again,
his

seat

cough,

and into

you don't
tell

the

they-re

all

union,

which this

me," he said,

There's

Council,

protests

in the

Seventies.

resemble

company unions,
matrons,

and

a seat

chairman,
units

of the

the

in the

the

yearly

projects

woman with

a pin-cushion

Wheeler,

"I understand,

involved

is

that

if

"She'll

filled

had emerged out of

they

year after

had come to

year by the same

some sour

perogatives

of office:

their

a photograph

with

their

Altgeld's

and suspicious,

daughter

nephew a job

tenant

stipend
the

got the

in the

LAC president,

CHA

choicest

bureaucracy.

a short,

plump

face.

Tenants

from no outsiders,"

she told

got a problem,

can come to us."

Mrs. Wheeler,"

Margaret

maybe he can

help

they
said,

you get

us.

"We

"but what Barack

the

tenants

more

. "

Mrs. Wheeler
to get

back in his chair.

banquet,

need no help

organized.

saying

out of

Wheeler

and pliant,

or their

Mrs.

is

"Ask Mrs.

an idea that

to see that

Women like

already

offices

small

ability

"We don't

Mr. Peterson

In most developments

some sweet

at

rights.

or LAC, was the designated

to CHAmanagement,

protective

lifted

stance.

falling

their

fire "

can't

time

representatives

all

violating

only so much you can do."

The Local Advisory

elderly

we I re

a half-crouching

believe

you.

say

involved.

shook her head impatiently.

These

of they

young girls

even take

care

own children.

listening

to Rev. Digby,

instead

having

"Tenant's
babies

don't

out here

want
can't

If some of em was in church,

of out all

night

on the

streets,

then

maybe we could

do something."

I had already

met Rev. Digby,

of the only church

was a brief
a

in Altgeld

encounter;

sky-blue

suit,

organizing.

best

we can,

the apartments

controlled

by
guard

Rev.

people

who worked

a heart

to

ability

And it

Mrs.

Rev.

Digby' s

replaced

the

whether

of confidence

gallows

the
the

door.
repair

and her slate

was in

brother

of
turn

owned

it

short

drug

counselor

-- their

at the high

of retirement.

a weariness

came a loss

say

of most of the

was the

deterioration

seem to matter

or the principal

of responsibility

was that

it

confidence

the

with

wouldn't

attitudes

and one year

whatever

mentioned

AJ1g

Wheeler

end did

a common weariness,

with

with the CHA. I couldn't

in the

to reverse

loss

The idea

eroded,

Mr. Peterson

case-load,

condition

They had lost

With that

outrage.

in Altgeld,

man in

and we cooperate

that

of them reflected

confessed

had in their
them.

nor

It

brotherhood."

under contract

with a mounting

bone-deep.

as

and I was shown to the

that

was true,

The three

They all

they can,

me that

Digby;

service

much.

with

soon

among my people,

LAC elections;

any of this

school

membership.

of anybody who opposed Mrs. Wheeler

during

and head

expressionless

as

of Christian

would tell

candidates

overwhelmed

hand

conflict

the phone rang,

Some tenants

that

his

a small,

They do the best

in a spirit

With that

security

up

"I discourage

pastor

with any substantial

the Reverend,
held

Housing Authority.

Mrs. Wheeler's

that

they might
they

once have
saw around

in the capacity
own, that

was

for

of others

humor and low expectations.

weariness

that

ll

I had

thought

about

as

watched
tease

Harold

cut a ribbon

me about

youthful

my grumpyattitude

rooster

you like

came in,

young rooster

a master

the

Dan would

chalking

anything,

power,

that

day,

of that

it

off

to

him; the middle-class

flight

favors

that

their

Smitty

superintendent,
presence

fair

share

a black

could

along

succeed:

like

more distant,

And in listening

and eroding

--

they

console,

tax

of city

black

as

Dan's

God consoled,

But beneath

in Altgeld

and elsewhere,

the wheels

mocked the
election.

professionals
school

head of the CHA. His

the radiance
of despair

of

men who

we had a black

a black

would console.

supported

the threats

in the

chief,

photograph

that

that

police

speak

the limits

the lesser

had invested

business;

my blood-

Harold

sense

were constraints

more equitable;

I think.

his gifts,

to

base;

businesses;

and others

him:

in my mind),

of the communities

remaining

with

my ambitions,

to

perhaps

state

could make city-services

now got

or two to learn."

and good humor, I suddenly

from the city's

expectations

Made the

envy of a young man watching

Harold

my hopes.

"Old

the attention.

seemed to mark what was possible;

The fragile

him for

the

as distant,

of grace

power.

he explained.

and I had laughed

I wanted

measured
full

relocation

got a thing

comparison,

achievements

his

Barack,"

But Dan misunderstood

(a man just

Harold's

he's

was some envy there,

perform.

More than
father

the young rooster,

realize

maybe there

turning.

Later,

morning,

and the hens gave him all

He enjoyed

Harold

that

Avenue.

jealousy.

"See,

pressed

on Michigan

as

Loretta's

of his victory,

seemed still

to be

I wondered
about

that;

number
life,

whether,

of the

black

heat

A prisoner

of fate.

May,

principal

a brief

center

that

day,

dropping

children.

in raising

about

teenage

The program,

children's

an appointment,

she didn't

into

into

skills.

bother

a system
stasis.

--

as the

a child-parent

classroom

said,

alongside

had been successful

When I called
asking

One day in

newspaper

the

any

of sad

low-level

in the

the article

reading

an inheritor

she had established

parents

or

inner-city

me out my funk.

her

thought

Wheeler,

few moving parts,

who lifted

Elementary,

brought

he served,
with

article

of Carver

or Mrs.

system

every

Harold

who administered

as those

was Dr. Alma Jones

I read

their

officials

of a closed

was losing

spot-light,

Mr. Peterson

as trapped

part

It

away from the

like

other

he felt

history,
that

whether,

Dr. Jones

too many questions

for
about

DCP.

can use any help

I can get,"

she said.

"See you at eight-

thirty."
The school
distinguishable
large

other

two with

broad,

brick

southern

graffiti

dirt-lot,

buildings

alongside

several

Al tgeld,

was boarded-up,
grating

a horse-shoe

others

and skipped
ll

parking.
over the

the

across

the

around

what might have once been a field

staff's

barely

in the development:

and metal
formed

but which was now used for the school

my car

of

one of which

on the doors
the

border

of the buildings

structures,

Together,
pitted

the

from the rest

three

windows.

was at

of grass

I pulled
puddles

up
that

--------~--------

had formed from the morning rain.

the

main office,

blue

suit

the

door.

where

was leading

can't

it

After

sorted

Obama here

calls,"

that

'God Don't
chair
mother

service

"That

organization

and

do for

The secretary
sugar.

chance

painters

her into

the post~r

girl

just

--

the walls

read.

yet?"

frowned.

"Hold

"except

A junkie.

you'd
this
over,

bare

for

him just

for
boy;

Dr. Jones

up a

Her boyfriend
So tell

except

of a young black

my office

pulled
--

she's

the

was arrested

me ... what

can

your

her?"

came in with my coffee,

to start

arrive

I want to tell

leaving

someone like

of tearing

Before

"Get Mr.

her office,

and a poster

make bail.

"I was hoping

"Short

decent

can't

to me and smiled.

and Dr. Jones

furnished,

of one of our kids.

night

and see if we

to her secretary.

engineer

awards

Make No Junk,'

and said,

her arm over the

ass."

was sparsely

a few community

last

as I followed

sorry

turned

Did those

building

of his

towards

You want some coffee?"

coffee.

good-for-nothin

Her office

Dr. Jones

shook her head,

she said

what I think

throwing

"I m gonna make some calls

she had turned

of

The secretary

and disheveled,

said,

Come on in.

to reply,
a cup

woman in a

out."

"You must be Obama.

all

Dr. Jones

the woman had gone,

had a chance

middle-aged

a young woman, taut

woman's shoulder.
get

at the door showed me to

a sturdily-built,

"You get some rest,"

younger

A guard

and I declined

cream and

have some suggestions."

whole place

down and giving

I'm not sure."

li

people

We talked
teacher

about

before

basics
that

now mostly

policies:

idea,

just

don t

nutrition,

health-care,

who need it

as teaching

and their

child

leaves

can read

the

was part

of

"Most of the
she said.

We teach

to their

"They
them

on

the one's

child

high-school,

babies

us,

do is

go back to every

and the parents

at home.

and hire

them

stop

on their

mind.

without

to

decide

said,

group

I'm not encouraging

calling

they want to raise

Sooner

these

or later,

the

was here.

our parent

Mr. Peterson

environment

coming "

Obama," Dr. Jones

"You come in and talk

and took a sip of

the

day.

"I tell

you what,

lot,

change

the painter

parents

center

stress.

Her phone buzzed;

troubles

which stressed

So we counsel

out her window at the barren

"What we can't

girls

rising
next

to her feet.
Find

week.

you, now -- I got enough

me up in a tizzy.

some hell

out

with you,

But if the
I can't

stop

can I?"
She laughed

a wobbly
their

so they

and curriculum

child,"

it.

--

assistants."

coffee.

what's

supplies

expectations.

for their

provide

a classroom

with superiors

philosophy,

we help them get back into

She looked

them,

over

how to handle

how to read,

Where we can,

--

for raising
best

know how to

as

The child-parent

a tool

want what's

experience

her skirmishes

her educational

she said,

here

of

black

and high expectations.

parents

her

decade

coming to Altgeld:

once all-white,
and hiring

her

line

classroom.

of

cheerfully,
five

and walked me into

and six-year

olds

the hallway,

were preparing

A few of them waved and smiled

at us:

where

to enter
a pair

of

--------

boys towards
tight

the rear

against

their

sweater

over her

teacher

tried

trusting
them

delivered

sides;

a tiny

around
little

head and got tangled

to direct

they
had

spun themselves

all

gone

through

into

addiction,

that
--

delivered

of poverty

-- that

despite

eyes,

the

joy

seemed

to

of

they

children

Sarah's,

displayed
anywhere.

spoken years

find

towards
I
ago,

how happy and

prematurely,

all

that,

in

every

suddenly

As the

arrivals

some of them already

air

they

rocky

arms

to yank a

sleeves.

I thought

the

their

struggled

up in the

despite

ragged

curiosity

girl

them up the stairs,

seemed;

and around,

many of

perhaps,

or

smudged with
the

light

the

in their

simple

locomotion,

the

new face,

seemed the

equal

remembered

in a different

those

place.

words

It's

of

not about

you.
"Beautiful,

aren't

"They really

they?"

its

coming sooner

"What change
"When their
the

sound,

off

something

Carver.
had

five

years,

Their

throats

though

it seems

the time."

is that?"
eyes stop

laughing.

eyes,

can still

you can see they've

make
shut

inside."

spending

They were all

spent

themselves.

all

In about

but if you look at their

I began

said.

are."

"The change comes later.

like

Dr. Jones

their
They

several

hours

in their

late

lives
told

a week with
teens

in

Altgeld,

me,

without
ll.

the

or early
raised

parents

twenties;
by

at
most

teen-mothers

self-consiousness,

about

pregnancy
links

at thirteen

to the

fathers

talked

about

waiting

to

waiting

to cash

for

see

the

the

checks

me.

her

younger

high

school

sister,
diplomas.

community

college,

Roxanne's

son,

baby was old

would

get

enough,

jobs,

secretaries.

full

such

Listening
fighting

Jewel
to

apartment

and hold

think,

and Vivian,

though:

that

gone back
taking

to get
classes

again,

the

after

when her

college

one day,

at

looked

Jewel:

to go to

their

too.

They

maybe,

they

new

or

as

showed me an

and hard-wood
they

said;

floors

Tyrone

from

-- they

would

take

ballet.
innocent

them tight.
with

five

of homes they had clipped

kitchens

off the urge to gather

child,

Roxanne,

such

waiting

tightly-bound

f cod-management,

a home one day,

swimming lessons:

both

own daughter,

in

white

clinic,

Like Roxanne Murdo, and

pregnant

of photographs

with bright

have

cynical,

planned

said,

In Vivian's

magazines,

They weren't

Vivian,

Vivian

health

supermarket,

in their

They'd

and her

they

album they kept~

would

while

They

waiting:

exchange,

of survival

Roxanne had started

Tyrone,

the

currency

had ambitions.

Vivian.

lives.

on sale.

the tools

They still

at

the tenuous

mostly

them to the nearest

and made no apologies.

surprised

involved

waiting

at the

to buy diapers

They had mastered

world,

which

worker,

would take

about

in and out of their

system,

social

welfare

away, just

out of school:

who slipped

working

the bus that

miles

and dropping

dreams,

would

them up in my arms,
The girls

her dark,

and ask me why I wasn't

striking
already
17

sensed
beauty,
married.

find

myself

both mother
that

and

emotion,

would smile

at

I would say,

"Haven't

And Roxanne

found the

right

Vivian

on the

slap

would

Viv you makin Mr. Obama blush."

laugh,

and I would realize

to them as they
My plan

for

the

fixed,

state

welfare

policy,

the

schools.

services

there

organization.

forms,

When the

slight

woman with
newspaper

don't

know if

it,

start

to

a pleasant,

means

roofs

to

repaired.

enabling

the block

face,

the

tenant's
out a set
where they

parents,

a small,

approached

me with

Her name was Callie

yesterday,

anything,

or bring

I passed

one of the

in her hand.

jobs

independent

meeting,

moon-shaped

in the paper
it

leaky

to canvass

was over,

have the

do was begin

up confidence,

parents

everyone

meeting

the

yet

-- to get the toilets

of a genuinely

full

clipping

"I saw this

build

nucleus

asking

local

project

condition,

could

At the next

lived.

a small

"Stop

both

We didn't

to create

in the housing

form the

of complaint

would

But what we could

in working

A few victories
to

saying

in my own way, I seemed as innocent

was simple.

the heaters

parents

And they

parents

more money into

basic

arm,

seemed to me.

power to effect

improve

that

woman, I guess."

Smith.

Mr. Obama," she said.

but

I wanted

to

see

"I

what

you

thought."
It
section:

was a legal
the

contractors
I

asked

potential

notice,

CHA was
to

the

remove
parents

asbestos

"You think

currently
asbestos
if

exposure.
it's

in small

any

print,

run in the

soliciting

bids

from Altgeld's
of

them

had

ll.

from

management
been

They shook their

in our apartments?"

classified

Vivian

notified

heads.
asked.

qualified
office.
about

"I don't

know but

Callie
Peterson,

agreed
although

knee-length

voice

dresses

Unlike

as

my first

that

All of these

for

out."

the

choice

group

to place

a leather-bound

parents,

didn't

find

made her seem painfully

Callie

a store-clerk

they

we better

a meeting

and carried

the other

who worked
minister;

schedule

she wasn't

She had a squeaky

went.

to

I suppose

but

with

people

associate

made her something

Bible

was

the

that

day,

had already

set

up the

appointment

with Mr. Peterson,

had

the

other

parents

let

called

morning,

I found her standing

building,

alone

in the

passed

to

clammy mist,

their

be

church.
and

But when I got back to

on the

them

out in front

to

in the group,

whether

my secretary

she

to a young man

I wondered
office

she wore

training

of a misfit

Mr.

call.

wherever

outside

she was up to the task.

the

shy;

was married,

by day

with

message

know.

that

she

and that

she

The following

of the management

like

an orphan

office

lost

in some

does

it,

dank underworld.
"Don't

look

Obama?" she said

"Call
through
the

like

anybody

ruefully,

me Barack,"

with

meeting

this?
until

I said.
If

you're

"I think

you have the

I'll

stand

behind

"Listen,
not

you,

doesn't

to do what you makes sense

for

in trouble
that

mean Mr. Peterson

the

you."
19

want to go

we can reschedule

to information

and so will

Mr.

parents."

I can get

right

up,

do you still

comfortable,

Do you think

But that

showing
her watch.

we have some other

know.

health.

is

looking.at

"I don't

your

else

other

parents,

for

this?"

could

effect

will

think

so.

but you need

-----------------------

Callie

pulled

her overcoat

again

at her watch.

said,

and plunged

wanted

through

She pulled

front

of Mr. Peterson.

the

paper,

asbestos

He offered

Callie

out

waiting,"

she

it was clear
and asked

appreciate

want to take

the

notice

legal

that

us if

we

you seeing

up too much of your

and set

"Some of the parents

it

carefully

at the school

worried .. well,

in

saw this

we wondered

if

this

maybe was in our apartments.

glanced

at the notice,

to worry about,

renovation

on this

of the

walls,

being

they

measures,

The trap
A cover-up

at me.

This

we' re just

doing

the contractors

tore

up one

found some asbestos

on the pipes.

That's

all.

removed as a precautionary

there

looked

and after

the

I mean, be taken

asbestos

then

Mrs. Smith, he said.

building,

"Well . shouldn't

thought

"I really

and don't

is nothing

same

ceasure.
thing,

tze

in our apart:::e:::ts?

precautionary

SaJZe

:Dean,

isn't

there

too?"
was laid,

would

watched

was a part

and once aqai~

generate

to myself.

heavily-lidded
there

face,

us a seat

said.

and we were

Mr. Peterson

and looked

keep Mr Peterson

on Mr. Peterson's

notice,

time."

as

herself,

some coffee.

us on such short

Itis

around

the door.

been expected.

"No, thank you,"

in

tightly

"We-shouldn't

From the expression

I hadn't

--~~================

of me that

eyes :cet :mine.

as the

.,.ould :::ake :::y job easier.

Peterson

eyes trying

Peterson

as =.uch pct:: ic i ty

P"ct:licity

~~-

!'~.

shift

to take
wanted

around
some measure

in

his
of the

to warn him off.

asbestos,

And yet,
seat,

his

situation,
For a brief

moment,

I had the unsettling

sensation

to me: he carried

the

look

life

in

my grandfather's

--

the

look

disappointments
white
if

--

superiors:

the scorn

for those

same children

admitted

he needed
in the

Instead,
turned

that

nothing,

He smiled

no asbestos

at

in the

"Have you done tests

"Yes,

Mrs. Smith.

"Well,
hand.

that's

the

of these

test

might be his

as they

compromises
to me.

him,

made
I felt

I understood;

The other
you took.
feel

until

"No, Mrs.

residential

that
if

if

he only

of salvation

Mr. Peterson

Smith,"

he said.

units."

or anything?"

Callie

it

thoroughly."

rose and shook Mr. Peterson's

She started

of saying

project

can make everybody

from jovial

some measure

We investigated

"Oh, Mr. Peterson,"

you something.

man's

children

bared

my gaze

Callie.

a relief."

on the verge

back towards

this

the

by

gone to someone

preceded

then

holding

"Thank you very much."

was just

all

problems

too,

of

endure

of his

him know that

help

betrayed

he had been told

in the voices

the

was familiar

room.

I said

away.

"There's

that

-- I imagined

explain

alight

All

eyes.

him compromise his dignity,

he would just

might

soul

man who feels

he had had to

urge to somehow let

that

his

but which had finally

he had heard

and watched

sudden

slights

himself,

grew older

the

of an older

the promotions

he only behaved

else:

the

that

something

towards

the door,

when she suddenly

and I
turned

manager.
she said.
parents

"I'm sorry,
.. well,

The result,
their

kids
ll

they'd

I mean.
are safe."

but I forgot
like

to ask

to see a copy

You know, just

so we

"I

Mr.

Peterson

downtown office.

When we got outside,

"Do you think
know.

that

waited.
to

We'll

the

a letter
Mayor's

would

that
to

day,

asbestos
of

jackets,

urging

Carver

at his

were

parents

office,

and

friends

and neighbors.

yellow

she was

produce.

We

went unreturned.

We

CHA district

manager,

then

of the CHA, with a copy to

Roxanne asked.

If they won't

issue.

Callie,

But when the

the

Director

to the Executive

children

in the

then

week to

calls

come to us, we' 11 go to them."

a few of the parents

we would appear
the

another

office:

No response.

"We go downtown.

letter

Next week."

she had done well.

and Callie's

"What do we do now?"

Another

the

week?"

Mr. Peterson's

take

to the Executive

The next

at

out soon enough."

called

Mrs. Wheeler,

office.

all

the truth?"

find

Callie

results

reach

are

see what I can do.

Callie

telling

Two weeks passed,

tried
sent

the

I'll
I told

he's

A week passed.
told

records

you can get us a copy by next

well of course.

"I don't

"the

away, you understand."

Filed

"Do you think

"Yes,

stammered,

Director

office

sent

press

release

informing

and Roxanne

in front

arrived,
of the

was issued.

a flyer

us on our trip

day of reckoning

bus parked

was drafted,

home with

to join

our action.
him

in two days to demand an answer

A short

Vivian

met and planned

pinned
to the

made calls

I counted
school.

to

The
their

CHA central
to

all

eight
Roxanne

their

heads
and I

stood

in the parking

lot,

trying

us as the came to pick up their

doctor's

appointments,

some didn't

bother

the

as she boarded
outa

the

"but

convinced

Roxanne

up; they

them to ride

bus looked

utterly

were busy faces

to join

find

they

to Roxanne's
to

smile.

pleading.

me, flashing

is not that

often

had

a baby-sitter;

gave us a sheepish

she said

the bus,

gave

and Yvonne arrived

were shaping

or couldn't
but just

market,"

parents

"I

a gummy

I get to take

Gardens."

Eventually,
Margaret

said,

other

but to no avail:

old woman responded

was on my way to

a trip

children,

with excuses,

Only a white-haired

smile

they

to convince

up and got

in Margaret's

had planned

to drive

with us for moral

forlorn;

everyone

at me through

on the

bus.

car

see

to

how things

down themselves,

support.

except

the window.

Loretta,

but

Everyone

Tyrone

on the

and Jewel,

who

Dr. Jones

came up beside

"Obama's

Army."

me.
"I guess

this

"Better

is

than

it,"

I said.

I expected,"

she said.

"Right."

"Good luck,"

she said,

The bus rolled

plant,

onto

cut-rate
Drive,
stunted
the

lake

waves.

meeting

While

Stony

motels,
the

past

through
water

and the Ryerson

Avenue with

its

auto

repair

Jackson

and then

along

greenish

Approaching

for

me on the back.

the old incinerator

Island

should

I waited

and clapped

proceed,
them to

Park

under

downtown,

the

I passed

and asked
finish,
ll

sun,

everyone

I noticed

gulls

shops

that

and

Lake Shore

bobbing

out a script
to

Steel

read

above
for how

it

over.

Mr. Lucas

was

sitting
his

towards

forehead.

the

rear

of the bus with

He was the only father

man who took odd mechanic's

him and asked

if

something

"I don't

read

We both

looked

"That's

ok,

"Listen

"A meeting

around Altgeld.

he said

with

it

the

gentle

quietly.

I walked

We're going

got

a short,

I came up beside

down at the page of crowded

Mr. Lucas."

we've

in the group,

into

was wrong.

so good,"

up, everybody!

to make sure

jobs

a deep frown carved

to

the

type.
front

to go over the

straight.

of the

script

bus.

together

What do we want?"

Director!"

"Where?"
"In Altgeld!"
"What if

they

say they'll

"We want an answer

"What if

they

give

us an answer

later?"

now!"

do something

we don't

expect?"

"We caucus!"
"Crackers!"

Tyrone

The CHA office

the Loop.
the

We filed

elevator.

lobby,

where

shouted.

was in a stout,.
off the bus,

on the

fourth

grey building

entered
floor,

a well-manicured

in the center

the lobby,
we entered

receptionist

sat

of

and mashed onto

a brightly

behind

lit

an imposing

desk.
"Can I help

you?"

she

said,

scarcely

glancing

up from her

magazine.
"We would like

to see the

Director,

"Do you have an appointment?"

please,"

Callie

said.

"He " Callie

turned

to me.

"He knows were coming,"

"Well,

he's

not

Callie

said,

in the

"Could

The receptionist
ground.

The parents
started

to light
"We're

too

went back
door

behind

the

as walked

"You hear

see

you today.

Peterson

our

fell

into

silence.

elbowed

her

health,

of men in suit

receptionist

Yvonne

in the

ribs.

remember?"
but

the

and tie,

pack

came out

desk and gave our contingent

Vivian

whispered

the

something

to

back.

whispering

for?"

I said

Roxanne muttered,

to see the

principal."

everybody,"

I said.

you.

Just

who work here

are

You should

that
report

"A big

responsible
said

the

"I feel

this

I'm

like

in

this

is a public

to you."
to

Director

like

office

remember that

receptionist

been told

loudly.

us,
will

any problems

now visibly
not be able

you have

to

to

Mr.

"If

the

in Altgeld."

"We've

Director's

me, girl,"

the

we stood

finally.

A group

Folks

"I've

but

Yvonne muttered,

authority.

irritated.

assistant?"

for

to intimidate

me,"

gaze,

but Loretta

giggled.

that,

his

about

is designed

"Excuse

a stony

to the elevator.

and waiting

with

to be concerned

everybody

The children

now."

check

down, and everyone

Roxanne whispered

"What is

trouble

she said

in her purse.

once over
Roxanne;

late

right

Callie

a cigarette,

suppose

"It's

the

sat

office

you please

sent

"Have a seat,"

I said.

already

seen

Mr.

Peterson,

not here,

we'd

like

to see his

11

Callie

said.

deputy."

---------~---~~~

-----

"I'm

sorry

have to call

but that's

If you don't

leave,

I'll

security."

At that

moment, the elevator

crews came in,

about

not possible.

along

asbestos?"

with various

one of the

I pointed

doors

and several

reporters.

reporters

to Callie.

opened,

"She's

"Is this

asked

the

Callie

"I don't

excused

wanna talk

herself
in front

the protest

me.

spokesperson."

The TV crews began to set up, and the reporters

notebooks.

TV film

and dragged

took out their

me aside.

of no cameras."

"Why's that?"
"I don't

know.

"You'll

I never

be fine."

In a few minutes,
voice

quavering

at

started

to field

rushed

out into

introducing
so sorry

just

come this

that

residents,"
her

into

seated
cute

conducted

as

a press

area.

the

isn't

here,"

up this

Director

meet with the parents?"

in

CHA units?"

the

shouted

room where several

were,

table.

and offered

tightly

best

at Callie,
Broadnax.
"If

you'll

whole matter

a reporter

possible

over her

As she

Ks.

she said.

in all

her

and heavy mascara

assistant,

asbestos

a conference

children

conference.

She smiled

Director's

the Director

Ms. Broadnax
a large

and callie,

a woman in a red suit

interested

around
the

first,

were rolling,

way, I'm sure we can clear

the

"We are

cameras

the reception

there

"Will

the

questions,

herself

"I'm

"Is

been on TV before."

up."

shouted.

outcome

for

the

shoulder.

We followed

gloomy officials

were already

Ms. Broadnax
everyone

coffee

remarked

on how

and donuts.

"We don't
Callie

need donuts,"

explained

had been done.

know about

concerns,

she

soon?

said

"Well
completed,

lied

swept

that

tests

under

the

conference
press,

Downstairs,

your

turned

back to the

"When we have

said.

the

tests

in.

"but

we want the

the results.

Director

to

We've already

that

this

isn't

just

"That

he's

busy .. "

we tell

the
about

Without

collected

for

her

said

we'd

a handful

time,

of the

we crammed back
Roxanne

Vivian

said.

our kids?"

The date

room.

TV folks?"

a word from me, the

the Director,
Broadnax

before

Mrs. Broadnax

and explain

is very

That was it.

Ms.

understand

be done immediately."

and we want to make sure

too busy to be worrying

thanked

head.

rug."

"What should

with

"Do you

them to Mrs. Wheeler ... "

in person,

"The Director

a meeting

Broadnax

me," Roxanne broke

to once,

testing

man.

"we certainly
will

that

her a week.

provide

come to Altgeld,
been

Callie,

Ms.

we'll

"Excuse

to

who told

then,"

had promised

to the heavy-set

Mr. Lucas asked.

engineer,

turned

"We need answers."

The man shook his

and promise

"How

chief

Ms. Broadnax

said.

how Mr. Peterson

any tests?"

"Well,

Vivian

into

and

meeting
the

forgotten

parents

negotiated

of business

marched

cards,

out

of

the

was announced

to

the

elevator

to meet our bus.

Mrs. Grimshaw.

"Who?"
"The old
I went

lady."
back

up and found

Mrs.
27

Grimshaw

still

talking

to

newspaper

reporter.

"Oh "

"We have to go now, Mrs. Grimshaw."

I helped

"What did the

"What's

it

her to her feet.

reporter

like

in Altgeld."

"What did you tell

"We poor,
In

the

popcorn

everybody,
passing

When everyone

was

evaluation.

take

Vivian

down a hawker

everyone

him."

but we don't
street,

for

ask you?"

no shit,"

insisted

including
out

finally

I pointed

the

treat

for

bus driver.

samples

on the
out

that

the

free

she said.
caramel

Yvonne chased

of a new cigarette

bus,

tried

importance

of

to

brand.

conduct

preparation,

an
how

had worked as a team.

"Did you see that

"What about

her

woman's
actin

all

cosy up to us so we wouldn't
"Wasn't

Callie

"I got to call

face when she saw the

nice

to the

kids?

cameras?"

Just

trying

to

ask no questions."

terrific?

You did us proud,

my cousin

to make sure she gets

Callie."
her VCR set up.

We gonna be on TV."
I tried
yanked

to stop

on my shirt.

bag of popcorn.
I took
onto his
the

everybody

gooey

turquoise

"Sit

a seat

laps

"Give it

from talking
up,

Barack.

at once,
Here."

beside

her.

in my hand,

now, I tried

She handed

me a

down and eat."

Mr. Lucas hoisted

for the view of Buckingham Fountain.

kernels

but Margaret

to recall

looking

out

at

the

a more contented

the

children

up

As I chewed on
lake,
moment.

calm and

Events
office

began

received

The next

another

south

called

day,

Side

the press,

project

to the

was away from the

Director,

that

parents

began

parents

got

door-to-door

I began

forms

service.

had broken
allowing

people

building

people

residents

to

rotting

hearings.

But it

our meeting

with

the

happening.

future

The

campaigns.

canvass

Mr. Lucas,

neighbors

we'd

waddling

fill

our efforts

New
planned

unable

how to

to read
them out

began

to cosponsor

our

firm

Callie's

to

come

the meeting,

a power that

that

small,

of hope that

was to be held

in Altgeld

that

Lawyers

swollen-bellied,

LAC agreed

could

up.

demands

time-table

remained

in Our Lady's
accommodate

one last

--

in Algeld,
all

three

along.
the

hundred

an hour early,
that

of asbestos,

making

step

gymnasium,

the

arrived

time

containment
for

honest

had been there

The leaders

work with CHAto assure

CHA establish

for

forms:

a reservoir

to reclaim

over

ideas

was as though

we hoped would turn

and we went

CHA

some of his members to make an announcement

The big meeting

only

with

hearings.

wonderful

with Vivian,

and the

It

through

for

who had opposed

and Rev. Digby allowed

Sunday

preparing

explaining

Mrs. Wheeler

the

discovered

lined

for immediate

complaint

Even those

and morning

blood,

The block-by-block
effect,

himself,

newscasts

and spoke at the

about

involved.

at

pipes

to see something

talking

statement

law-suit.

lawyers,

to collect

properly.

at

smelling

contained

TV cameras,

was put into

around:

Callie's

play in the evening

a class-action

We talked

the

us.

Aldermen began calling

about

earlier

outpace

prominent

papers.

asbestos.

to

repairs.

a panel

of

and that
As

we

discussed

a few last

minute

waved me over to the

"What's

stage,

next

dead.

"So we don't
"Not outta
Henry pointed

A short

here.

microphone

that

low static.

"You're

joking,"

I tapped

talking
questions.

won't

and Vivian

Vivian

looking

director

hours.

nobody

suitcase,

cord.

whine before

came up beside

with

He switched
settling

down

me and stared

said.
"It'll

be ok.

down at the

hog the microphone,

Just

hold

You know, like

comes,"

it

You guys will

amp again,
though.

up to him after

just

have

I said,

"Try

He'll

you've

end up

asked

the

Oprah."
Callie

said,

looking

at

her

watch,

"we

need a mike."
People

came.

women and little

the

out a sharp

frayed

here. "

box.

Then,

the

for

"If

system.

thing

of a small

hung by a single,

on the mike.

up."

not to let

address

man

or somethin."

amp, the size

Callie

primitive

speak

to the public

maintenance

Gonna have to make do with this

to a solitary

down at the

to

the

have a microphone?"

on the power and the amp let

into

Henry

the matter?"

"System's

a loose

details,

time

the

From all
children,

meeting

out

more chairs;

arrived;

by seven-fifteen,

cameras,

and the local

crowd.

and tots.

to begin,

people

came -- old

At seven

o'clock,

we had already

started

by seven-ten,

five

seven hundred.

TV crews began setting

politicians
Jerry,

the Gardens,

teenagers

was suppose

setting

warm up the

across

hundred

people

had
up

on hand asked us for a chance to

who I had invited

to

come watch

the

event,

could

barely

contain

"You've

really

got something

ready

here,

Barack.

These people

are

to move."
There was just

Ms. Broadnax,

"It

himself.

should

one problem:

the Director

who came on her own, said

be only

still

hadn't

he was caught

a few more minutes,"

she

told

arrived.

in traffic.

me nervously.

"Really."
We decided
Callie

to

go ahead

introduced

organization,

who

asbestos.

Loretta

were over,

it

grumble,
door,

and pulled

explained
plugged

first

part

local

from
the

potential

DCP.

By the

eight.

themselves

I saw Jerry

the

physician

was almost

fanning

with

in the

hot,

these

hear

threat

starting

gym.

to lead the crowd in a chant.

trying

of

preliminaries

people

airless

agenda.

environmental

health

time

I could

of the

to

Near

the

I went over

him aside.

"What are you doing?"

"You're
fired

losing

them.

down, will

I was about

you."

to cut

when a murmur rose

to keep them

up."
"Sit

walked

You have to do something

through

dapper

man,

his

room, where Callie

"Welcome,"

from the

the door,

black

Straightening

our losses

tie,

back

surrounded
of

he grimly

said

of the

made his

stood
into

gym,

Ms.

and the

in

his

He was

early

way to the

Broadnax
Director

by a number of aides.

medium build,

and Vivian

Callie

and go ahead with

forties.

front

of the

in wait.

the mike.

"We have a whole bunch

ll

--

- ----

------------

of people

who want to talk

to you."

The crowd applauded;

a few cat-calls.

The TV lights

switched

on.
to take about a problem

"We're here tonight

health

of our children.

to deal

with

problems

Callie
Director

But before

handed

we live
the

and pointed

But we do expect
these

people

neat-like,

all

never

fixed.

get

copies

tonight,
repairs

stack

services.

have

gone

of their

doesn't.
these

reached

over

the

mike

responding

for

pulled

with

him,

in

the

miracles.

the basics.
fill

Now

out,

real

the CHAto fix but don't

you,

is,

will

and we made
of what gets

you agree

to work with

Director's
pulled

please,"

and the

own fashion,

it back;

just

in my memory.

the

Vivian

answer,

in his

mockery

sibling

get

for microphone,

"A yes-or-no

Vivian

to

the

us to get

here
these

schedule?"

moments are blurry

leaned

expect

you to keep track

residents,

to

forms.

of em for

So our question

the

we need

who turned

way to

they keep asking

all

asbestos,

don't

all,

threatens

Vivian?"

Vivian,

That's
out

made on a realistic

Vivian

day.

of complaint

We collected

all

about

of us in Altgeld

the things

before

The next

of

to

of them so we can work with

done and what

out

every

microphone

All

basic

here

with

to the

"Mr. Director.

we talk

that

an ice-cream

response,

Vivian

again

the
cone.

ti~e,

but

it,

when he

back.

Director,

only this

gesture,

it

As I remember

said.

Again,

she held

saying

something

reached

for the mike.

there

was the slightest

about
Again,
hint

movement

of

a child

goading

I tried

to

wave at

Vivian

a
to

forget

what I'd

I was standing

said

before,

too far

the

Director

for

a moment a struggle

and the
them,

ih the

Callie

ensued

stood

not clear

some at the

the

Director,

others

for the exit.

trot.

lurched

people

surrounded

tinted

glass,

standing

about

others

a time,

sped

away, jumping

her

Behind

eyes

wide.

began to shout

The

out as well,

fearing

that

suddenly

car,

crowd

was

released

his grip

and

creature,

people

near

into

near

my way outside,

the

man to

I had fought

in his

limousine,

some pressing

a path

over the

the

still

the

onto the
cratered

break

while

their
others

Slowly

the

faces

against

cursing,

most

limo lurched

road

opened

street,

a swell

of
the
just

forward,

an

up and the

car

running

over

a curb,

from sight.

I walked

back

of people

were gathered
recognized

time

laughing,

until

official

to answer the question.

causing

in confusion.

at

current

him,

himself

the

inch

vanishing

Perhaps

by the

had secured

and

at Vivian.

the Director

after

cord,

and blouse.

shining,

Like some single-celled

I ran myself;

Director

face

on what was happening,

out of control,

door

her

hand on the

pants

but

Meanwhile,

the distinguished

at the Director

Then pandemonium.

headed

between

motionless,

up the mike,

for her to see me.

young woman in stretch

Roxanne began shouting

getting

rear

had managed somehow to get his

pregnant

crowd,

to go ahead and give

towards
now going

around

as an aide

"The whole thing

the

gymnasium

Near the

against

the

door,

a small

a young man in a brown leather

jacket,

who I

see,"

he was

to the

home.

in a daze,

circle

alderman.

was put together

ll

by Vrydolyak,

telling

the

They just

group.

trying

to make Harold

A few feet
lieutenants.
what

"You saw that

away,
"She

happens

when

what

you

you

try

the

whole

acting

like

a bunch

Inside,
alone

only

done,"
and

Wheeler

she

get

the

sobbing.

the

and

snapped

these

folks

several

at

young

me.
folks

On TV and

everything.

just

they

of niggers,
of

man egging

on.

bad."

Mrs.

Gardens.

a few

in one corner,

look

I spotted

Embarrassed
just

white

like

parents

of

her

"This

is

involved.
See

expect."
Vivian

remained.

I came up and put

us

stood

my arm around

her

shoulder.
"You OK?"
"I'm

so embarrassed,"

know what
just

happened,

always

mess

fine.

If

together
means

people

would

still

"And the

to
up.

constrict.

weight
Dr.

"So who's

the

people

"I don't

. seems

The

turn-out

get

was me."

like

group

across

pick
the

tapped
cheer

that

great,

from

who we are

gymnasium
me on the

you up?"

she

the
I

of

our

which

residents

mistakes.

now, " Yvonne

take

care

said
of

said.
she

shoulder.
asked.

felt

had

cleaning

in one arm and carry

floor,

just

others

said,

the

Callie

I could

up Tyrone

You were

called

Most

We learn
knows

was

involved.

me.

some weak laughter.

Roxanne

gonna

it

sure

the

Jones

down a sob.

You hear

up,

effort.

drew

I told

all

I said.

to

our

line

As I watched

slwnbering

willing

Director

last

home:

get

messed

support

gulping

With

up,"

a circle.
are

said,

up."

mess

anybody
into

This

Barack.

things

"You didn't

she

his

my stomach

"I "

"You take some chances,

"But the
"Don't
as they
over

looks

it.

Dr. Jones

sometimes

growing

between

problem,

so late,

residents

claim

the

week,

men dressed

announced

U.S.

Department
year

Altgeld
been

it

once again.

that

get

up.

And

the

to the asbestos

evening.

of sorts,

In fact,

for

the

budget

we

following

all

posed an immediate
in its

noted

over

the

danger.

request

CHA
to the

for the following

dollars

clean-up

I couldn't

up some of the

our wounds,

we started

up on its
shake the

that

night

had been pried

Roxanne,

in emergency

to cheer

CHA followed

Vivian,

that

tug-of-war

paper

and masks were seen

that

helped

lost

the

Because

and Urban Development

half-a-billion

that

replayed

delay

had included

of Housing

irretrievably

possibility

of growing

The morning

as a victory

any asbestos
that

at least,

But they'll

with CHA's slow response

a few weeks of licking

to make sure

part

Not as tough

could have been worse.

Director.

in moon-suits

Such concessions
after

just

tough.
you.

one TV station

felt

meeting

sealing

also

is

as the Director's

could

fiscal

only

and the

as well

Gardens,

this

including

from the meeting

Vivian

frustration

like

"They're

up hurts."

The fall-out
we had run

said.

none of us are,

Something

are gonna blow once in awhile."

faces "

on their

worry,"

sound --

things

parents,
meeting

commitments.

feeling

in June,

open so briefly

that
that

funds.
and
again

Still,

in

something

had

the

window of

had slammed shut

Mr. Lucas -- they would all

continue

to work with DCP, but only reluctantly,

than

to each

other.

leading

weeks

to

attention

to

squabbling

only

speak
their

maybe to bring

to

us

that

A month or so after
for CHA's budget

billion
the

dollars

city,

the

needed

A tall,

have

new plumbing

have

both."
"So you're
that

we was,"

"Well,
coming

out

not

Callie
say that

telling

exactly

hoisted
didn't

she had decided

"My husband

doesn't

except

we met with

the

HUD to

feds.

In addition

to the

repairs

on projects

throughout

one billion

looking

of getting

for

asbestos

where

all

these

are

sheeves

needed.

this,

of

appropriation

removed.

it's

after

the

asbestos

line-items.

up from the

even half

six

or you can
But you can't

we gonna be worse

said.
... but
these

Tyrone
join

the

among residents
situation,

clean-up,

us,

us that

Roxanne

paid

motives,

man from HUDwent over the

and roofing

and the

did not need.

he told

of Washington

Roxanne

their

to the

You can have

requested.

change

an addition

"CHA has no chance

it's

suspicion

to make basic

dour white

and

the

the

few people

methods

initial

request

"Let me be blunt,"

off

they

CHA had requested

removal.

paper.

would

us during

Mrs. Wheeler

and while

our

to reinforce

trouble

away.

anymore;
on

of activism

to me rather

who had joined

dropped

attacks

served

no amount

lobby

residents

up to the meeting

LAC refused

that

Other

out of loyalty

days.

I'

up on her

us for that
to stop
think

"Tell

meeting.

priori

a good

that

ties

to him."

She had called

with

---

budget

sorry.

lap.

working
its

t.lie

DCP.

idea,

-----~

me to

me spending

--

all

this

time

publicity

instead

"Ain't
concentrate

after

went to my head that

I suggested
the welfare

of looking

that

on saving

lived

would demand community

gonna

He says that

the

I became prideful."

as long as her family

of her kids
nothing

my own family.

change,

Mr.

Obama.

in the Gardens,

involvement.
We just

our money so we can move outta

as we can."

.ll

here

gonna
as fast

-----~~~~~-----==---Chapter

"I'm

tellin

"Say,

the

you,

man,

world

"That's

just

We were

walking

is

I'm

back

Johnnie,

how he came to work

it's
the

open

up in the

in

guy

the

I'm

standing
taking

on your

looking

in the

view,

dinner

of

Illinois

when all

the

and

description

day,

building.

atrium

meeting

down at

line

"The other

... big

be

in Hyde Park,

of

staff]

he said.

right

to

after

mood.[three

State

middle,

suppose

there

car

expansive

you an example,"

a meeting

a place."

huh."

to the

was

for

is

sayin."

Johnnie

"Give

an

world

a place,

what

in

the

with
lobby

of a sudden

headed

You know how

and

all

is

late,

from

the

this

I'm

that.
so

Well,
I'm

twelfth

body

flies

just
floor,

past

me.

Suicide."
"You didn't
"Yeah,

well,

hear

the

body

Soon

as

it

guard-rail
sure

to

back
cover
what

shook

land

see

the

to

that
the

their
do they

these

lying

covering

railing
all

expect

get

over
to

good.

got

office

again.
see

the

to

me.

We're
all

eyes.

But the

through

and

time

up

strange

they

around?

to

the

down,

and

limp.

People

thing

they

Then they'd

Now why would

sound.

looking

screaming,

look.

second

rushed

all

broken

could

Terrible

workers

on.

a second

High up as I was,

next

there,
their

people
to

... "

was right

was going

body's

after

eyes

it
all

what

that

me up pretty

like

screaming,

I noticed

me about

happened,

enough

started

tell

was,

would
scream

do that?
See,

go
and
Like

Barack,

f elks

are

morbid
and

funny

shit.

covering

through
Anyway,

the

away.

But

there's

special,

you know --

guess ... it

not

you're

one

Somebody's
eating

to

got

you

with

a horror
but

off

that
flick,

you're

maybe

the

start

cleaning

half

need

body

still

how's

mopping

up

Nothing
up a life.

Makes

sense,

or

that

gonna

or

feel

that

feel

suits

somebody

But how you gonna

body

So the

up.

equipment

me thinking,

the

hit.

Sweeping

an hour.

special

right?

and take

where

and a mop.

janitors,

do it,

at

hand,

things

and

a broom

starts

to

rope

in

up in

those

a kid

your

mess

come

just

it

of

they

this

1 ike

But

with

ourselves

... "

come,

cleaned

something.

if
way?

that

night

dinner?"
"Who was it

that

jumped?"

"That's

the

other

thing,

snoke

roll

and let
white

the
girl,

types,

sixteen

blue

hair

what

riding

up the
on the

a freak,

it

know,

the

cheat

on their

there

next

and

wife.

to them,

Johnnie

seventeen.
through

her

thinking

Maybe they

looked

her

or

the

And the
with

all

their

Bulls

game,

or

whole

time

this

pain

was a young

inside

punk

know,

standing
over,

drag

rock

Afterward,

you

about

that

"It

nose.

about,
been

thinking

another

One of these

musta

to

took

as he spoke.

Folks

back

promotion,

ring

she's

elevator.

and went

mouth

maybe,

is

way up.

Barack!"

from his

nan,

with

wondering

her

got

thing's

eyes

still

crew's

help

when you're

fingers

cops

building

Whole

like

your

your

11

We can't

that.

You know,

you're

peeking

like

as

right

decided

I'm
she's

next
she's

own business.
the
girl's
her.

plan

they
just

to
was
You

got

to

standing

Got to be a lot

~----------------

---

of pain,

doc,

cause

just

down and knew that

Johnnie
saying,
on,

You got
there

she

was gonna
cigarette.

panorama

of

of this

round

yourself,

is

precedent

jumps,

his

surface

ask

any

out

Whole

on the
to

before
landing

stamped

Barack.

going

Is

the

-- -- -- ------==========::-:-=======-----=

this

for

all

figure

she

looked

hurt."
"So

life

out

ball

kinda
this

you

that's

middle

shit

of space.

happening

shit?

I'm

Crazy

there.

in the

stuff

what

elsewhere?

You ever

ask

yourself

that?"

pop

"The world's

a place,"

"See

there!

It's

Just

then,

we heard

of

a balloon.

corner
he

to us.

although

remember

that

silent

against

the

jutting

out

as

one of the
later,

his

aim,

he let

first

boy,

curb,

his

to

lanky

short,

was waving
quick,

tinny
that

a walk,

features

his

the

his

pumping

like
was out

or what
I
feet

his

in

chest

pants
Without

running
that

of

direction

sound

of

at

bunched

stopping

in the

under

front

A few seconds
also

of range,

weapon

the

sneakered

suit.

with

the

around

fifteen.

grass

same corner,

shots

the

wildly,

of

followed

pistol.

like

tape.

plot

fattish,

the

than

pace,

an imaginary

unaimed

target

stuffing

recall

limbs

a small

bursts,

his

from

no more

a small

came around

and brief,

man emerge

a desperate

and I quickly

three

short,

me as

onto

One of them,

out

clearly

for

flat

compact

a young

at

straining

boys

ankles,

pop,

impressed

apartments,

When he realized
slowed

a small

he ran

dropped

speed.

around

gun

if

two more

full

man."

I don't

he

only

Johnnie

serious,

Suddenly,

diagonal

wore,

I repeated.

to

of the

firecrackers.

the

boy with

the

his

shirt.

His

companion,

skinny

"Stupid

and

continuing

shadows

fall,

always

the
my

something

different

Side

spring

that

a blind

and

There

of

were
it

in

In

like

to

son

1987;

that

other

with
before

casting

months
time

other

issues,

sounds,

recover
other
I

rhythms

that

the

an invisi:t:::..e

in

knowledge
that

had

first

with

children

the

sense

that

the

South

of

had

and

comforting

1:1e the

line

from

lost

fa=iiliarity

gave

since

leaders,

had

.ith

gro.ing

been

crossed,

to,

no

point

dri ve-:t:ys

s:-.::;::::ti:-.;s,

neighbor~oGis

aJ:a~dc~ed

.r:ere

A2..tge::..d,
nore

to

with

replaced

on .ith

passed

What

defeats.

now

had

turned.

a~ g::..istening,

for

spat

figures

t:-.e

tc

d~~gs

pc::..i::::e ::::r press

uneven
prison

than

a generation;

.!

and

:=arely

poo::..

records

hard

a:::.r::i..;.lance sirens,

..... the
--

spreading

father

their

to make up for

time,

going

autowobiles,

places

each

enough

the

after

He

said.
to

eight

was that

was

nothing

--

faces,

of

was
The

phantom

again,

learned

counsel

of

children

and

of

corner

sounds

laughed

move on to

I had

ugly

statistics.
night

to

And perhaps
the

boy

Altgeld,

Chicago

landscape,

skinny

winter

in

novelty

familiarity.

alongside.

them

victories

in

came

asphalt.

there,
partial

patience;

of

another

enthusiasm

greeted

two

campaign

disappointments

youthful

the

street,

on the

asbestos

the

the

down the

Another
the

big-eared,

motherfucker,"

satisfaction,

squat

and

had
fro~

gang

war

ventured

of

this

been

passed
first

and

until

pavement,

none

the

the

blood
was

new.

down

from

days

of my

arrival

in

sixteen,

Chicago,

hanging

hoods

up,

in

phones:

the

passed

that

was

the

electricity

their

silence

force.

the

I felt

it

in wheelchairs
spring,

boys

trace

new-found

like

whenever

crippled
eyes

condition,

the

in

ground
down

to

on the

corner

reform,

whenever

the

than

tpay-

police

see

four

felt

tall

planting

in

helpless

victims

into

front

the

prime,

served

when,
walking
that

of their

house:

an occupying

of the

their

to

it

saplings

on the

already

else,

boys

to

eyes

appearing

their

they

anything

a row of young

so composed,

that

their

storm.
to

started

before

or

or Halstead,

stripped

atmosphere

I looked

suddenly

of self-pity;

of

finished

fifteen

silence.

snapping

couple,

that

to

men,

beepers

approaching

idly

had just

of

their

I happened

block,

couple

months,

soon

an

home one evening,

an older

stomping

colder

a change

of young

of Michigan

barracuda

of

down a tree-lined

the

the
answering

more

knots

corners

unraveled,

by with
it

the

unlaced,

during

No,

driving

on the

summer,

a knot

seen

sneakers

rhythm

shirts

like

out

their

desultory

cars

I had

young

men

streets

eyes

without

so hardened
frighten

that

to

their

rather

than

inspire.
That's
hope

and

what
fear;

the

alike,

that

some,

South

Siders

like

it

like

this,

apartment,
coming

was ne.:
sense,

if

there

were

"I

limits.

adults

by

were

noticed

beer.

of a ne.

shared.

he would

Barack,"

but

arriva:

most,

not

~ohnnie

s:..pping
up,

the

beyond
the

tell

mean,

me one

We'd

get

and

these

between
young

htu:l.an rescue.

change.

things

equilibriun.

"I
day

ain't
as

high,

get

Life-long
never

we sat

w"ere tough

men

when
into

seen
in

his

I was
fights.

But

out

wild,

in

public,

they

would

know what

I'm

take

Somebody

say

the

says

hear

stories

young

cats

out

folks

--

other

way.

he's

gonna

twelve-year

out

olds

making

getting

of us would

"Sometimes

their

know,

just

its

loud

listen,

or
you

I'm

pow!

to the

look

himself.

wastes

talk

just

like

street,

good

the

for

him.

to

these

the

white

we head

kids.

the

Children

decent

out

see.

one or two.

Kid
to

on the

doing

just

trying

boys

kid

him.

starts

He figures

After

awhile,

foam

collecting

you

got

own rules."
his

beer,

Barack,"

the

he said,

afraid

doesn't

and

stop

gonna

disappeared,

a gun --

So even

here

of

that's

generalizing,

after

a sip

all

em,

just

adults.

look

his

of em.

care.

looking

You've

Don't

up and shaking

got

matter

on his

to be afraid
how

young

of
they

"
Later,

on my home,

Was I afraid?
Wandering
my fears

of not

belonging,
just

were

I thought

I asked

through

Taylor,

assault

in

to

--

of black

what

nobody

who

one

they

is

"I don't

way.

of

a group

took

guns

We start

mustache.

fear.

to

have

Johnnie

are ...

carrying

fear

ain't

somebody

of kids

part

that

head.

lot

here.

"The worst

realizing

saw you

And most

the

like,

we see

smell

an adult

drugs,

something

Folks

can

if

something.

a whole

if

home,

saying?"

"Now, with
Doesn't

at

myself.

Harlem,
always

never

occured

Johnnie's
No ... at

or walking

internal,

of life-long

about

me.

least

The

was

in

of
that

of Robert

the

The idea
same

not

stairs

metaphysical:

displacement.
to

up the

confession

old

fears

of physical
true

for

the

distinction

Johnnie

distinction

didn't

compute

defied

my own experience,

premise
had

that

the

ability

thought
the

to

about

broken

roads

Where

myself.

If

did

what

he was

years

since

was

still

the

he

sit

about
going

through?

my arrival
above

had

his
to

be the

his

upper
me,

lip,

truth,
in

of so=e

excuse

how she

him:
to

drop

tell

in at

the

~arch,

just

hio

I
about

plant

and

I asked

that

prove

his

consequences

took

nights,

turned

of

to

about

talk
the

ho~ hid

the

bulk,

call

Bulls

on his
me at

mostly

how his
from

He

he assured
or

but

things

two

a mustache.

would

he ..as,

added

by,

business

explain
the

Finals,

I stopped

Harlean

kne .. -..here

inches,
at

to

one

sixteen;

efforts

then

whenever

how did

several

~illing

school;

way
home,

to talk

grades

had

the

door

her,

closed.
her

not

and although

hearing
early

children

goodness?

would

son;

organizational

never

room always

age,

of

just

first

still

Sane

friends.

I would
that

on

scampering

a sewage

or in jail,

given

gone

his

that

son,

spectrum

He had

But he was usually

to

old

Harlean's

me.

continued

based

own development.

between

the

Darrell,

Jordan

about

seemed

their

gene ... or

year

the

of

up in a gang

would

with

It

five-year

along

and bad kids .. the

an assumption

terms

a wayward

polite

with

my head.

Gardens,

this

out

good kids

world?

And what

shadow

in

Roxanne's

he ended

malnourished

between

of Altgeld

somehow,

the

set

Tyrone,

dump.

essence

had made,

worry,

I don't

words

the

to

think

seemed

invited

that

I had

she

believed

to make her

Darrell

1.

to

feel

join

been

far

that

worse
particular

better.
me

for

at

One day
a

pick-up

basketball

game

someone

who could

to Hyde Park,
I asked
has

would

get

him what

us in.
off

stay

questions

with

thinking

his

"Don't

gym,
most

a grunt

about
find

mind.

man fly

the

where

knew

of the

ride

or a shrug.
Air

Force,

a job,

get

He said

that

his

up
When

he shook
own place.

the

Air

Force

a plane.

him crossly.

He shrugged.

Chicago

was quiet

in Chicago,

a black
at

of

Darrell

had changed

let

I looked

that's

University

he was still

he would

never

the

fending

him if

head:

I asked

at

"Who told

need

somebody

you that
to tell

mess?"

me that.

Just

is,

all."
"That's

whatever

the

you want

Darrell
window,

wrong
if

you're

smirked,

his

breath

many black

attitude,
willing

turning
misting

pilots

Darrell,"

his
the

to

work

head

for

can

do

it."

towards

glass.

"You

said.

the

He said,

passenger-side

"Yeah,

well ... how

do you know?"

We arrived

at

the

gym,

and had to

wait

only

a game before

we

got

on the

seen

court.

It

a basketball,

and the

second

game,

dizzy;

on one play,

of

my hands

sidelines

to

I decided
embarrassment,

had been

was

and

hoot
to

sit

keeping

he was guarding

a black

at

--

the

hospital

across

man guarding

called

with

short

least

cigarettes

walking
the

at

six

months

had taken

their

half-court,
me stripped

since

I'd

toll.

By the

feeling
the

foul,

causing

the

third

game and

save

even

slightly

ball

clean

players

on

out
the

derision.
out

the

my eye on Darrell.
man a few years
but

aggressive,

myself

His game wasn't

older

than

and very

me,
quick.

further
bad,

but

an orderly
After

few plays,
scored

it

became

three

baskets

"You can't
old

man like

next

didn't

Darrell's
This

punk

Without
the

man's

as

some

were
to

jaw,
of

feet

the

to

one

can't

guard

me ...

"

Darrell
him to

players

his

voice

trembling

spit

out

no punk,"

How you

usual

talk.

gonna

let

an

them

became

man made

his

move

for

the

the

ball

at

"You

see

man

of

swung.
the

as

threw

his

partners.

His

fist

floor.

pulled

landed

I ran

Darrell

away.

he watched

the

a wad off
Darrell

the

He

between

The

turned

other

"I ain't

as
hard.

the

number.

talking
boy?

play

then

dropping

and

that,

the

floor,
him

started

Darrell's

so bad?"

but

any warning,

wide,

his

the

man had

then

look

bumped

chest,

the

than

answer,

down

Darrell

that?

in a row,

do no better

time

basket,

that

me make you

Darrell
The

clear

out

rough.

square

on the

court

Darrell's
orderly

on

eyes
struggle

blood.

muttered.

And then

again,

"I ain't

no punk."
We were
and

the

movie,

cool,

sounded

too

drive

the

security

embarrassed

like

response,

his
to

me and

the
about

responsibility.
for

eyes

of

lecture,

about

scripted

downstairs,

anything

a long

others,

he turned

guard

make

Darrell

something

without

when I iio.as finished

to

I gave

respecting

trite,
sat

called

back,

about

and Darrell

ahead.
tell

was

on the
his

My words

somebody

orderly

incident.
keeping

lucky;

a made-for-TV

fixed
said,

on the

road

"Just

don't

wouldn't

tell

my :no:::::na, alright?"
I

Harlean

thought
so

long

that
as

was
he did,

good

sign.

and he grudgingly

said

agreed.

Darrell

was a good

Would that

That
public

be enough

spring,

he still

to

I began

cared

save

him?

pushing

our

about

something.

leadership

to

take

on the

on.

School

schools.
It

seemed

segregation

like

campaign

later,

segregation

in

abandoned

the

black

hispanic.

and

bothered

was

high

to

no

--

millions;

shortages

teachers

who went

bloated

bureaucracy

learned

about

school

reform

the
was

for
was their

education

on

organization,

other
and

The response

initial

back

the

Sixties.

in
an
public

where
for

only

budget

on strike

the

the
only
street;

last
issues,

had

population
at

Dr.

years
all

but

all

poor

least

in

of the

students

more

that
work

best
I

and

paper;

toilet

the

least

once

state

government.

convinced

black

without
that

an
to

of

hundreds

of

two years;

The more

for

could

And so

it

every

stable

a state

demoralized

I became

solution

developed

was underwhelming.

in

in

hope.

peddling

remained

shortfalls

possible

blue-collar

started

at

indifferent

system,

for

Twenty

percent

schools

textbooks

and

catalyst

whites

school

fifty

take

graduation.

Chicago's

of

to

issue:

was overcrowding,

men I saw on the

prospects

the

longer

annual

out

had been

Neither

though,

crisis

us

the

around

perpetual

for

leaving

schools,

stick

Otherwise,

working

issue

Chicago

system,

neighborhood

young

a natural

and overcrowding

King's

no

kid;

that

the

public

plight

families,

support
in April,

action

my leadership.

plan

of
with

family,

in

between
for

the

Some

of

it

misaligned.
their

Older

children;

out

that

the

church

sent

source

principals,

was

single

educators

knew too

much for

the

same skill

the

system

job

right,
---

for

Unruly.

certainly

not

but

sure

there

are

the

system

8~ildren
~=re

than

:.-.:~:e-...ar::

before.

since
to

the

advance,
that,

support

the

Cathy,

to

Catholic

of

certainly

effort

Not

There
lot

may not

conversations:

of the

unspoken

quo with

had defended
money to do the
Efforts

at

administrative
control

just

(not

so

impossible.

fault,

maybe,

be any bad kids,

in

the

other

conversations

from our board,

my mind,

settlement

a settlement
as

they

but

Barack,

of bad parents.

these

Sixties,

status

back

children's

Few

schools;

in

were

the

city.

true).

to wrest

the

the

enough

they

one

in the

cut-backs

... well,

Every

probably

counterparts

was
or

was

to public

wasn't

was

superintendents,

class

There

the

And that

system.

Education

white

say,

students

even

the

defend

pointed
But

mentioned.

middle

raised

schools.

district

would

me (which

a whole

as an symbol

and

school

their

school's.

Discouraging,
serve

that

Slow.
the

Loretta

now ran

But they

of a white
the

like

own children

decentralization,

As

Lazy.

that.

part

already

black

their

told

had

Board

of the

and vigor

were

true).

with

the

sent

they

me they

blacks

filled

constituencies

told

to was rarely

that

two decades

self-interest,

children

employer

of these

costs

their

teachers;

biggest

reform

parents,

fact

churches

of

members

of resistance

uncomfortable
our

a problem

younger

they

biggest

of

was

made
Johnnie
11

they

blacks
that

half

me angry;

to

had made with

allowed
fell

came

half

further
and

and I decided

of our
behind.

so

despite

to go ahead

and

visited

some

constituency

beyond

We started
with

the

but

with

with

pent-up

his

ours.

He then

Asante

Moran,

men at

the

We

ancient

was

Kings

wore

a kente

thick

wrist.

a stack
King's
offered
became

of
call

"The
Johnnie

with

school

a elephant-hair

an unwelcome

interruption.

us to call

him Asante,

first
I

thing
in

turn,

you

have

"is

on his

that

explain
to
the

desk,

desk

public

a Mr.
for

small

him.

posters

sat

bracelet

a tall

and

jaw;
around

arrived;
I sensed

that

and as our

one

Dr.
he

interests

ideas.

said,

school

he

he had

Nevertheless,

he

of

and gourds

a prominent

and

young

office,

of drums

some of his

realize,"

like

to meet

when we first

had been

to

want

continent,

and

school,

groups

program

a collection

mustache

began

of the

counselors,

into

the

be

attentive

community

exams

told

tour

we might

off

new
bare

a friendly,

Behind

put

relatively

a greenhouse,

a map of the

a bit

area

in

themes:

and

the

windows

directions

and Queens,

in

construction:

a mentorship
that

one

couldn't

SAT practice

apparent,

and

start

up

that

King's

shirt

us a seat,
more

to

drum

windows

one of his

a handle-bar

He see=ed

the

the

work

wall-hanging.

cloth

to

us a personal

to

that

African

with

man,

gave

and suggested

a kente-cloth

imposing

King,

Dr.

Africa's

like

the

The principal,

trying

followed
with

feel

clouded,

to

building,

corridors,

eagerness

school,

decorated

stark

mentioned

school,

was a single

lives.

Lonnie

hoping

of Altgeld.

high

impersonal

already

expressed

parents

It

long

Dr.

schools,

Darrell's

reputation.

and had

man named

area

young

a careless,

stained

and

the

pillars,

opened

the

with

best

concrete

and

of

looking
system

is

at
not

about

educating

black

schools

are

holding

pens

--

children

start

breaking

that

about

society

children

are

"Just
would

social

think

his

world,

starting

point

of

mastering
turned

this

belly.

any

he's

systematically

it

girls

older

boys

have

fathers.

recipe
to
and

have

violent

disciplined

white

folks

of whether

these

day

not.

to

everything's

Not

that,

the

culture

same

hands

folded

child

loses

the

exa~ple

of

them

don't

pursuits,

child,

of

culture.

the

Either

only

that's

humanity.

for

them

boys.

even

those

the

interest

in

At least

the

those

But
own

process

of

And that's

young

tendencies
or

his

know their

manhood.

society,

across

of motherhood.

through

black

in every

makes

of something,

he

to,

of

what

the

about?

black

guide

That ' s

learning

his

worst

meaning

creative

his

the

It

tendencies.

is

chair,

Half

the

else's

denied

that

black

children

an understanding

part

what's

learn

in his

Because

in

one,

these

That's

the

to

nobody

disaster.

process.

But for

him,

nothing.

a man -for

black

community.

of being

women to talk

There's

becoming

as

when

for

a child

his

Someone

any wonder

Of course

the

issue

promise

From

back

learning?
have

-- the

suppose

leaned

by giving

educational

rejected

"Is

only

education

culture,

history.

culture

Asante

start

his

down.

else's

operated

and bothering

to the

a real

environment.

upside

Someone

what

would

to learn

his

It's

pens

any attention

about
It's

hungry

They're

jails.

of their

Inner-city

been.

educated.

himself,

child

out

has

Period.

miniature

pays

being

involve.

control.

like

even

Never

children.

men are
are

tendencies

going

directed
will

destroy

the

young

"So that's
to fill

the

artistic

men,

what

void.

other

hours

fifteen

a communal
European

young

cultures

have

There

to

office.

but

youth

programs

door,

Asante

would

"It's

first

trip

I can

remember

home."

His

you were

fed

the

to

them

Africans

are

Some of my

I tell

them

giving

re rooted

appreciate

door,

it's
these

in their
what

other

he had another
with

man peeked

appointment,

to discuss
Johnnie

he

possible

and

I to

the

there."

"You know,

like

were

us again

was from

Kenya.

trip

young

my name.

he said.

it

It

that's

beautiful.

face

glowed

with

li

ne.

the

nenory.

felt

land

on my

ago,

Changed

And the
really

I went

years

was yesterday.

It

he asked

where

was fifteen

so welcoming.

so

back?"

and a gangly

As he walked

continent.

anything

and

about

they'
to

values

materialism

that

but

Unless

geography,

elders.

It's

be able

area.

me about

The people
seen

on the

the

that

them
their

I try

... "

My father

to the

forever.

ever

to meet

so!"

I teach

I can,

different

that's

th ems elves.

won't

a
the

cultures.

be happy

Kenyan.

them

by this,

apologized;

asked

history,

respect

Asante

for

"I thought

time

threatened

was a knock

said,

finally

feel

offer

to African
give

day.

Africans

they

Where

counteract

That

for

here.

gratification

other

a base

or both.

with

to

to

of their

denigrating

people

the

try

instant

collegues

own traditions,

last

students

people.

about

never

I expose

something
and

into

dealing

individualism

society,

we're

traditions.

orientation

not

or the

but

my life
--

like

I had
I

was

"When was

the

I hesistated.
Asante
that

"Actually,

1 ooked

when you do make the

shook

our

hands,

hall,

and

shut

office.

waved
the

Johnnie

and

at me.

and

we hit

said,

I've

never

been

"Wel 1, " he said

after

trip,

it

in the

will

young

door

behind

them.

I were

quiet

for

a patch

"Can I ask

you

a pa use,
your

life

man who'd

been

waiting

of

the

ride

and Johnnie

something,

"I 'm sure

change

most

of traffic,

there."

too."

back

turned

to

He

in

the

to

our

face

me

Barack?"

"Sure."
"How come you've
I thought
I might

find

out

back

my old

twenty
still
lifting

"It's

real

years.

"I

guess

I'm

about

other

scared

On weekends,

uncles

would

come

They'd

complain
this.

my old

another

like

he

he'd

just

about

what

he

before

had

of what

his

to

to Asante
it's

not

raise
for

pension
the

window

like

know anything

to

truck

doing

me and

Spiegel's
vested,

same thing

my
for

so he's
every

day,

...

really

enjoyed

hang

and

I mean,

He doesn't

died,

company,

furniture

over

man.

a delivery

him off

down the

"how listening

or nothing.

Drove

people's
seemed

he said,

my mother

own.

for

and rolled

funny,"

They laid

working,

The Man did

Africa?"

I said,

educated

After

on his

"Never
mean?

to

a cigarette

made me think

Africa.

brothers

lit

smoke.

man is

about

a moment.

Johnnie

the

there

gone

out."

"Huh."
let

for

never

around

they'd

their

The Man did

the

drink

bosses
that.

life,

had
But

you

house,
and

and some of my

listen

done
if

know what

to

one

to
em this

of

music.
week.

em actually

started
the

talkin

about

of

em would

just

you gonna

start

rest

nigger

like

And somebody

else

wine

done

gone

tell

they

weren't

uncles'd

doing

his

head.'

head

you got.'

'Hey,

with

all

in

high

mean,

big

brothers.

like

about

I talked

about

anything

one

brother

got

a little

all,

just
Johnnie

to

those

hued

leopard-skin
before
library,

if

em'd

say.

but

I could

I was around,

that

sound

to

the

around

a jacket

sure
like

go to

other,

is

my

a knobby

a white

man,

stopped

talking;

went

back
traffic

throne,

and Shaka

search

cane
of

for

he

made

sure

visit,

my o,,m nagic

Zulu,
back,

to
..hen

kingdon,

that

said
my

we had

my hand.

he

That's

"
I thought

that

in his

day years
had
my

visited
own

back

and dark-

and proud

when

me and

regal

fierce

his

I remember

cleared.

of Nefertiti,

further
his

work ...

when

never

to work,

shook

to

with

laughed

I mean,

have

and he just

man,

But you know,

he always

office,

my father

drunk

The day I graduated,

the

and then

My old

man never

college.

in Asante's

golden

"When I was

him.

that.

we didn't

and tie,
then

air.

getting

my old

but

that

hazy
of

end up like

money.

my hand,

the

there

I realized

school,

tunic;

in

to

ashamed

sitting

later,

way or

posters

in her

no count

away from Jimmy .. that

boy,

into

feeling

never

wanting

shook

of

be laughing,

'Hey,

of smoke

to

I'd

up for

up in

all

one

Sometimes,

me.

a dog,

it

walking

showed

'How some

glass

you startin

a stream

I swore

I thought

that

inside.

boy,

up.

a business?'

They'd

about

I got

working

guy

or had a new idea,

words.'

blew

school,

the

'Take

laughing
talking

different,

himself

say

start

Johnnie

tear

would

to

them

something

ago,
the

glorious

birthright.

I wondered

make to

the

how much difference

boy we had just

as much as Asante

himself

on a young

shoulders.

man's

"He was there,"

left
--

in Asantes

a man willing

I said

those

to

posters

office.
to

would

Probably

listen;

a hand

not

placed

Johnnie.

"Who?"
"Your

father.

Johnnie

scratched

his

tell

him that?"

"You ever
"Naw.
the

We're

window,

not

then

"Yeah,

the

two

a proposal

could

provide

services,
reform.

I'd

be gone

of the

for

for

"Where

we had

students

though,

Dr.

but

that

scheduled

to

network,

helped

something

mentoring

finished,

that

process

Johnnie

go ahead

lining

us

and tutorial

planning

I told

he should
start

huh."

Jones

in a long-term

was

out

you should."

and

with

looked

with

that
some

up support.

my brother."

"I

didn't

"I

haven't

had

next

n::rning,

half-brother

Asante

he was."

you going?"

"To see

The

I should

counseling

proposal

I guess

Johnnie

"Maybe

parents

a few days,

meetings

"Maybe

months,

their

Barack.

talking."

nodding.

teenage

When the

at

me.

a youth

at-risk

and involve

for

to

you."

"Yeah,

good

I said,

next

for

arm.

real

turned

John,"

Over
develop

He was there

know you had

Roy

a brother."

one that

no~

I
lived.

flew

long."
down to
~e

had

Washington
first

spoken

D. C.,
to

"'There my
each

other

almost

a year

earlier,

during

Aumas

me that

Roy had married

an American

to

States,

one

the

hello.

He had

unruffled,
his

as

out

we had talked
---

would

I had

hear
only

be

told

Chicago;

from

us,

yesterday.

the

prooob-lem."

Auma that

he

him

up

just

his

voice
job,

was "lovely,"
syllables

to

say

deep

and

his

drawn

out.

"

Staying

She

The

"Looove-

we got

well.

wife,

he said.

After

sounded

had told

and had moved

His

be "fan-taaas-tic.

"nooo

she

Corp worker
called

everything

from me would

wife

phone,

to

to

Peace

we had

of him slowly,

A visit
his

day

happy

in America

rolled

leee."

so

seemed
if

new life

word

and

and

visit

with

him

off

the

looked

at

me

doubtfully.
"Yah,
always
In

never

show his

fact,

Man in
haven't
has

you

true

although

seen

settled

myself,

I would

stay

a wonderful
at

they

National,

he answered,

At

least

said.

the

long

the

along,

than

said.

"He doesn't

Old Man in that

he reminds

though,

way.

me of the

how he was

that;

And so Roy and

weekend,

Roy was nowhere

sounding

is

like

that's

in

Old

Nairobi.

so maybe

I should
I had

we would

see

as I searched
to

marriage

be found.

get

to

arranged
the

for

sights,

around
I called

a visit;

it

the

know him

would

emptying
his

house,

be

gate
and

apologetic.
... you

think

tonight?"
"Why ...

had

"

Only now,

brother

she

funeral,

much more

she

"Listen,

get

David's

him down ...

say

He's

didn't

him since

time.

Roy,"

feelings.

so many ways.

She didn't
for

know with

something

wrong?"

maybe

you

can

stay

in

a hotel

"Nothing
a little
good,

so serious.

argument.
you

It's

just,

So having

you

well,

me and the

here

tonight

wife,

might

we had

not

be

so

see?"

"Sure "
"You call
and have

me when you

dinner.

I checked
nine,

into

I heard
there

breaking

across

the

with
the

with

The

hands

ebony

grey

sports

a goatee,

coat,

"You've

it's

the

out
African

shirt

It's

man.

Double

Whooper

have

it

He threw
made his

whole

back
body

his

grin

get

shake,

out

He shook

My way!
head

in African
embraced

I guessed,
pair

been

the

of glasses.

replaced

to
as

as we walked

belly

special

cheese."
away.

had

and gave

everywhere.

to

patties,

with

right

have

dressed

pounds,

I said

food,

Too all-beef

man

with

and tie.

this

things.

an even-toothed

a thick

shirt

some weight,"

even

a big

The man that

beneath

generous

You don't

At

life?"

two hundred

down at his

fast

tonight

and waited.
I found

he was lean,

Roy looked

King.

can

pressing

gained

door,

a mustache.

over

white

find,

pockets,

"How's

an afro,

gone;

meet

face.

I had of Roy,

was

We'll

eight."

the

in his

he said.

cheeks

ok?

room I could

pictures

on his
goatee

you up at

When I opened

me now was much heavier,

flesh

a hotel,

cheapest

his

brother,"

In the
print,

pick

a knock.

standing

"Hey,

I'll

find

sauce,
his

his

a pat.

"Eh,

McDonald's.
the

car

head.

Burger

to

lettuce,

car.

have

these

cheese.
"They

tell

The
me I

Fantastic!"

laugh,
if

of

it

to

a magical,

he couldn't

inward
get

over

sound
the

that

wonders

this

new

1 if e

al though
Toyota

too

out

Roy smiled,
my wife,

11

...

worked

--

he

looked

seem as

of

the

collided

like

if

he'd

road,

with

over

a high

this

way?" I shouted

into

always

it

was

His

a kid
yet

in

mastered

including

on-coming

speed

cars;

once,

sukus

music

eh?

Mary,

curb.

fifth.

over

"I'm

complaining

nothing.

And again

not

too.

example

with

You see

he laughed
him;

of
of God's

The restaurant

the

so good,

Especially

out

over

and

for

awhile

accounting

job

for

a local

in America.
to
hadn't
"She

show.

us.

our

safe

since

the

Alive

and

beside
water.

would

the

car

be yet

on,

talk

the
around

a beer,

about

about

to

his

with

his

gusto,

adventures

he was making
asking

Roy a

my work,

He ate

effort

evaporated.

he said.

and we chose

I ordered

small

I came
smile

as if

arrival

a marina,

and joked

His

head,

blessings.

he laughed
wore

here.

his

company.

meal

a divorce,"

still

mortgage

Eventually,

joined
wants

if

we made

margarita;
But as the

the

I'm

and shook

was Mexican,

a view

a second

as

ample

margarita,

wife

dinner.

way to

tape-deck.

independently

one more

begun

our

laugh,

11

breathing!"

drank

Roy's

What accident?"

"Ah,

table

rules

shifting

she's

infectious,

we made

didn't

we almost

his

was

bulk

it

the

drive

from

his

and

we careened

blasting

accident

--

or

"You always

as

for

car

Twice

a turn,

It

laughing

shift

regulations.
at

off er.

small

bumper

stick

to

wasn't

was

carvival

had

had

him why his

"I'm

sorry."

"She

says

too

much.

drink

she's

tired

She says

"What

do you

"What

do I think?"

tiny

is,"

he said,

leaning

like

myself.

And I blame

He began

to

being

yanked

our

with

and

before.

his

displayed,

descent

as

the

tea

of

his

forward,

hard

his

bouncing

the

University
firm

think

that

familiar;

poverty;

the

arguments

and break-

me about

his

then

graduation;

her;

forget.
taunting;
was ever

a capacity

Roy's
the

memories

past

good

how late

remained

enough

for

early

he was out

the

night

also

that

I'd

felt

resilience

they

had

had lifted

them

out

sensed

a capacity

the

an open
him,"

taught

job

somehow
of

a job

his

that

to

he had

secured

at

the

in Auma I had

leaving

how he had

arriving

strength

after

to relative,

of Nairobi,

always

life

life,

behind

of

everything

her

the

spoken

and

about

put

truth

I really

Auma had

to Auma talk

Except

dancing

this."

times

after

same stubborn

a prayer,

"The

don't

from relative

work,

in

candles

same admiration

to

mother

He told

how,

if

the

circumstance.

says

Old Man."

glasses.

"I

Old Man for

into

of

head,
of

lenses

the

from

his

I felt

bad

"Nothing

the

to him,

the

past

like

no matter

of

She

late.

tasks,

Listening

immediate,

all

discipline

necessarily

the

accounting

when listening
both

to

completing

out

just

flame

weight

away

house:

the

his

flight.

admission

himself

the

recount

sudden

an local

the

across

eventual

father's

gained

me somberly,

bonfires

down and

becoming

He lowered

like

Old Man's

me staying

think?"

looked

the

at

I'm

then

of

of

forgive,
Old

Man

if

not

seemed

sore.

he told

me as the

bus-

-----------, ---------~

boy took
you

our plates
If

forget.

class,

And then

badly?

It

after

this

puzzle.

even

after

the

arrangements.

funeral.

wanted

everywhere,

been

things
Old

like
mum's

house.

"After
only

of

Sarah,
the

I trusted

to

he

like
fail

so

figure

--

for

making
The

cry

and

moan.

They wanted

that

the

Some people

last

from

Luo tradition,

were.

to

fight

Old Man
stole
about

girlfriend,
everything.

Others

te::.ling

Alego

burial.

people

she ~anted

~er.

to

way

Home Square

began

.an's

over

this

body

to

revenge.

~,... -

-as

to

his

they

c~r re:atives

side=-~~~

funeral.

smart

I felt

-hispered

take

Gecrge

the

came

.ho

=~eCld

be going

take

to

k.10

I =~st

try

according

Sor:.e people

to

the

believe

living

a Christian

listening

ever:

far:.ily.

so

him.

to

wanted

hi~

~he~,

really

I was responsible

son,

mourn

see~ed

person

we had

to

brother,

I would

escape

People

inheritance.

aunts,

side

Everything

The

the

of our baby
our

couldn't

days,

in

an Obama,'

no money,

someone

let

No sense.

burial.

beer.
that

with

never

grades

He would

on my on,

I didn't

wanted

Man's

me.

eldest

three

poisoned,
from

mother

for

people,

They

to

best

'You are

How can

The government

we had

first.

him drunk,

myself,

if

second

best.

I remember

a Muslim

a log

food.

see

As the

and

these

the

was as

he died.

the

burning

ask

the

I was living
It

for

Half

I would

be

made no sense

"Even

family

should

and he couldn't

the

why you weren't

I would

a beggar.

"He was smart,

came home with

ask

'You

say.

this.

had

you

he would

would

away.

--~-~-=======

lines

you,

it

the
Some,

up with
was

my

crazy!

~rong ...
o.er,

I didn ':: .ant

,.;as David,

our

to be with

younger

brother.

anyone.
That

guy,

let

me tell

only

younger

raise

him

you,

fifteen,
like

and

with

But David,

ran

His

didn't

want

She

her

he rebelled

said.

but

family

David

would

if

have
stayed

had been
I just
she

called

plane

I don't

Kenya.

seeing.

said

too.

in

yes,

out.

But

Mary.
her.

me.
to

tried

be

to
their

anything

to

do

everybody.

I told

want

bit,

Man after

do have

was it.

He

him he should

an American,

die,

if

immediately

this

could

he

I wanted

to

have

and

or tell

my office,

or

that

done
girl

States,

come and

a ticket

whole
care.

die,

American

to the

our

I didn't

I would

I bought

pack,

--

David

know what

I remembered

her

I was sure

fighting

She had returned

I told

I didn't

Old

had

He loved

with

drinking,

Man could

die

to

For me, that

Old

to

Ruth,

the

from her.
live

you a little

He was an Obama.

I started

the

hated

He didn't

died.

was cursed.

figured

had

refused.

He was an African.
"Then

he

like

mother,

children

away from home and came to

go home,

He looked

sixteen.

an American.

divorce,
us.

he was ok.

if

that

so one day

see

her.

caught
say

the

good-bye

When
next
to

anyone.
"I

thought

can never
you are

start
like

why I like
You add
always

over.
a fly

them,

multiply

a solution.

you

Roy took

can

start

over,

Not really.

in somebody

accounting.

have

numbers,

I could

have

another

All

day,

sip

web.

you are
and

There's

see.

You think
else's

them,

control

you

if

only
you

a sequence

But

now I know you

you have

control,

Sometimes
dealing
are
there.

I think
with

careful,

but
that

numbers.
you

An order.

will
With

... "
from

his

drink,

and

suddenly

his

tone

changed,

his

place,

as

oldest,
I

speech

if

our

father

you see.

It's

boys'

for

fees.

house,

to
But

window
of

it

at

was
the

as

the

next

now;
empty

time

at

flow ...
table

it

the

sounded

turn

of the

am the

household.

for

the

right.

younger

To pay

married.

the

To build

.. "

touched

his

"We can

share

me.

He just

the

hand.

then,

"You don't

the

load."

stared

as

if

out

the

snapping

out

check?"
"I

can

as well.
that

tell

you

I think

what

you

again,

around.
as

"I

over.

soiled.

ho:10 ..,

another

him.

all

properly

and

into

brother?"

Roy laughed

to

and

things

heard

waitress

get

Isn't

"

and

water,

drink,

of

together

I said.

my problen,

flow.

set

family

rippling

me and

Auma,

Auma is

he hadn't

we just

That's

the

if

another

He looked

the

for

table

Roy,"

he waived

"Why don't

with

the

black,

"You want

go with

the

deep

possession

to

bring

dropped

I am now head

and

that

alone,

a trance,

Barack.

you,

across

do it

he'd

taken

To see
and

I reached
have

had

if

my responsibility

school

a proper

as

In Luo tradition,

am responsible

boys.

slowed,

say

loud

Only

the

.:.:: .:.": .ere

worry

we need
in

to

for
was

traveling

the
gone

much,

learn

to

Just

go

people

at

out

it

America?

enough
magic

too

across

of

a vast,

distance.

I caught

a :::.:..:;:-::': c,_;_~":he next

with

~.:.fe,

at

the

he

seemed

his

hotel.
in

~e had
bet~er

and

I didn't

breakfast
spirits.

day

have

--

the

together,
At the

Roy needed

to

~oney

for

another

night

the

morning

light

we shook

hands

and
airport

in
gate,

spend

some

and

hugged,

settled
the

and

down.

rest

danger
if

his

fall.

office

of the

only

demons

driving

old

were

brother,

still

me once

Chicago,

that

myself

things

though,
of

he was in

him towards

when

an abyss;

would

Johnnie

had

through

sense

my intervention

on my mind

early,"

see

prevent

walked

into

senator.

"How was your

my brother."

"So what

dropped

for

he said.

Good to

of my desk.

state

funding

to

rid

back

Johnnie
the

back

I couldn't

was good.

edge

visit

into

my

tapping

on

Monday afternoon.

"You're

the

come

flight

I was a better

late

to

weekend,

He was

"It

promised

The entire

somehow,

that

he

happened

a chair.

a pilot

program.

I nodded,

while

"Well,"

He committed

to

trip?"

I was gone?"
he said,

"we met with

introducing

Maybe not

the

a bill

whole

to

get

half-million,

but

enough."
"Terrific.
"Just
of them

How about

got

haven't

"That's
"Oh,
the

back

from

the

,rd th

my phone

call."

What did

he was all

proposal.

sniles,"

He got

Said

he'd

encourage

and

we'd

have

his

than

saving
"Sounds
"Right.

office,

our

youth,'

good

to

principals?"

Dr.

King

Lonnie

have

said.

to

~he o-:her

The rest

say?"
he really

heard

principals

s~ppor-:.

King.

"Said

exci -:ed. .::e::: he

full

liked

we might

to work with

'Nothing's

more

get
us,

important

he said."
me."

Soi..;.nds good.

when suddenly

Dr.

Johnnie

real

funding.
that

school

a meeting

returned
alright.

high

So then,

he gives

me this."

I'm

about
Johnnie

to

walk
reached

out

of his
into

his

briefcase

and pulled

I read

over

out

a piece

a few lines

of paper.

before

handing

He handed

it

it

to me and

back.

"A resume?"
"Not just
kinda
a

bored

any resume,

around

'excellent

understand.

into
in

house,

see,

and Dr.

director

for

our

program.

once

you his

Barack,

his

air.

"I'm

It

was

shouted
Now there's

spirit!

Program

make

pressure,

you

some consideration,

s resume.

another

Johnnie

11

piece

of paper,

Tells

too!

reached
waving

me she'd

it

make

an

time

he's

we're

doing

is

unbelievable."
like

the

even

started

his

"Yessuh!

yet,

not

natural

shook

some nerve!

figured

he's

most

Johnnie

with

thing

talking,

a preacher.

a brother
hasn't

whole

out.
battin

thing
head,

Doctah

in
then

Lonnie

Some entrepeneurial
he's

already

thinking

11

I started

to

" ... He don't

about

resume ...

No

she'd

11

he had the

whole

what

out

King!

talk

--

wife

out

Barack,

the

like

world.

ahead ...

his

daughter's,

you,

Acting

suddenly

thinks

... "

And you know what?

the

Seems she's

"

telling

an eye.

just

his

counselor

"Naw ...

King

allocated,

resume

and pulled

"Got

excellent'

money is

wife's

not

briefcase

the

the

resume.

I mean."

"He gave
"No,

His wife's

the

Just

you know what

Barack.

laugh.
just

some kids,
"

want

one job!

he gonna

hand

He gotta
you his

have

whole

two!

goddamn

Go in to
family's

I shouted

out,

catching

"Yessuh!

Doctah

made me laugh

which

loud

guffaws,

Lonnie

even

catching

name again

--

"Dr.

our

obvious

truth,

laughed

until

our

faces

our

eyes:

until

came

to

anymore,
find

ourselves

That

speakers

they

I've
have

I have
have

to

just

visitors.

--

element
hot

take

rest

to

repeat

and

of the

the

most
We

until

tears

couldn't

afternoon

in

that

world.

hurt,

out

giggle,
over

now embodied

sides

emptied

the

to

an elemental

our

King!"

doubled

enough

it

in

and

started

we were

long

as if

Lonnie

laugh

off

and go

learned

to

go,

midnight,

I say

a troop

that

the

ignore
to

staying

a car

boys

disturbances
But

home their

newborn

downstairs,

for
the

front

where

particular

stop;

the

arc ..md

here.

vcices

to

else

do

evening
next

our

.ith

of

begins

and so I pull

chat

of my

and a set

ny neighbors

child;
a

--

on this

I know that

car,

up in

of ny apartment

floor

myself.

the

of teenage

such

over;

pulls

door

on some

night-time
heads

within

my way.

take

folks
it

The four

a pair

King!"

past

loud

head

"Listen,

wipes

soon

only

we felt

As I approach

turn

y'all

breath

carrying

brought
and

Johnnie

until

were

so

someone

shorts

all

well

building,

shake.

King!"

basic

to

"Doctah

a beer.

night,

apartment
stereo

most

and decided

spirit.

harder,

Lonnie

the

the

are

so=ep:ace
boys

inside

away r::y dro ...siness,

of

shorts

on the

tc

t:::yi.ng

s::.eep

~'hy don't

else."
say

nothing,

and I feel
sidewalk

don't
suddenly

in

the

even

move.

exposed,

middle

of

the

The wind
standing

in

night.

can't

see

the

they

are,

them

could

could

whether
be

inside

days

world;

feelings

some forgotten
that

carry

something.

say

these

smell

boys,

calculations

they

kick

the

my ass,
That
darkness

my home,

figure

of them

howling

thinking

that

stronger

than

I was at

is

that

the

this:

far

more

carry

guns,

truth.

those

And it

cannot

admit

tomorrow,

that

shut

access

off

in which

These
guns

is
and

in

has
to

forced

them,

any

empathy

the

the

Gramps

for

brawl;

the

just

authority,

and

if

one

--

as I try

inside

that
daring

the

eyes

know

of

a car

boys

only

them

the
can't

may

or others

be

for

error;

that

they

surely

if

they

are

may once

of

weaker

or

them,
have

matters
times

no protection

like

front

that

difficult

no margin

refuse

to pierce
in

difference

those

them

they

of

knowing

through

these

a truth
must

at

myself

faces

have

of

my place

or high,

of self

offer

truth,
fact

I shout

full

can.

I spent

boys

will

that

as

that

certainly

age,

them

remember

that,

on my breath,

random

while

their

world

forgiving.

reefer

shadowed

to

like

prove

drunk

assertion

the

One of

One of

I try

to

picturing

of

or bad.

of a high-school

now be making,

four

and read
I'm

rush

I start

might

knotted,

anger

or

know how old

Roy.

in a car

a classroom
beer

be

there,

desperate

blood

me into

them

to

the

to

be David.

sitting

righteous

reason;

would

the

been

dark

good boys

Standing

and

of

my teachers

of

have

too

could

could

be me.

resentments

swagger

them

one of them
could

it's

or drunk,

One of

when I would

the

car,

sober

Darrell.

them

inarticulate

the

they're

be Johnnie.
One of

the

faces

was

if

they

from

that

sense
to

but

wake

up

to eventually
felt.

Their

unruly

maleness

sense
not

of

will

sadness

checked

at

by the

whenever

I split

clouding

my head.

somewhere
buried

that

more

that

appears,
these

boys

indeed,

will
will

have

in the

I might

tell

myself

and me,

into

different

by a different

code.

engine

my apartment,

knowing

that

out

of

search

is

that

world,

has

one

fluid

this

that

I
for

we are

tribes,

speaking

the
that

car
I've

breaking

screeches
been

apart,

order

stupid

--

of fear
I now

as much as
these

tongue,

away.
both

that

me; for

a different

this

sometimes

that

follow;

own

and

in

an object

to

gin

social

suspect

terrifies

a schedule

the

order

hard

our

a stake

me

that

fundamental

universe.
and

with

to

not

them as more than

otherwise,

I am afraid.

required,

is

upon

thinking

speak

that

long

a job,

knowing

empathy

by a

anger

come

myself

more

suspicion

and

Their

something

the

was,

down a highway

is

how

includes

starts,

towards

further,

to

that

and

finally

would

I find

guilt

but

drain

that

or raced

there,

matter

mine
pride.

danger

of some sort

no

not

as

injured

lip

both

an order

And it

a place

boy's

line

that,

any order

The

of

a sense,

or derision.
have

intimation

necessarily,

wish
it

man's

As I stand

exists,

demanding;

order;

be contained,

an older

another

down the

sense

order

not

I turn

boys
living

back

and lucky;

Chapters

It

was

an

old

neighborhoods,
perhaps
had

building,

still

sound

a new roof.

cracked

and

spintered;

and

at

and dipped

like

welts

only

drawn,

surrounded

white

hair
the

We had
church.
black

of

hostile

recall

the

wooden

place,

share-cropping,

his

and

a musty,

beneath

bucked

office

With
books,

had

this

furniture,

the

lit

amber
window

he seemed

a portrait,

voice

sonorous

and

only

an

mostly

glow.
shades

now to be
his

snow-

disembodied,

a dream.

so

the

church

as an institution,

man,

for

had

ancient

much

Southern

--

where

their

on bright,

church,

about

church

who,

as an idea.
a history

newly

a fire,

mixing

becoming

a vessel

sweat
Sunday

hope.

on

new-found
for

those
on

to

white-washed

pennies

mornings

of

landed

He went

a small,
and

the

historically

with

Africans

own youth,

hot

the

the

freedom,

with

hour,

conversation

songs

of his
built

the

around

survival,

church
said,

as

the

circled

rhythms,

to

our

me about
sat

ideas

close

beginning

telling

he

off

as

church

shores,

radical

still

his

religion;

most

as

older

pews that

room in a dull,

old

talking

church,

with

of dusty

gave

and heavy

old.

been

Not

myths

the

he was

several

Jarrett's

of brass
cast

visible,

He was an erudite
slave

floor-boards

by stacks

clearly
voice

the

--

wall,

with

points

Rev.

Side's

of tuck-pointing,

carpet

lamp that

the

in need

South

reddish

full

himself

the

was dark,

in a meadow.

desk

into

badly

of

the

quality,

Jarrett

receeding

like

various

worn

by antique

And Rev.

but

one

The sanctuary

damp odor,

same chipped,

in

saved
all

the

from
quiet

terror

and

and

open

wounds

of

gratitude,

shouts

reddening

the

Dr. King's

visit

some of Dr.
and the

his

embers

King's

he

the

of

of the

entirely

escape,

control,

an

an

anger

same

stubborn
jealousy

ministers,

their

Muslims,

who's

that

which

which

he

he'd

tears
hands

He discussed

he had witnessed
fear

of being

among
usurped;

he understood:

didn't

expect

prayer

tried

in

fanning

ideas.

anger

through

away

waving,

and the

anger

but

by drained

clapping,

those

fellow

said,

week gone

the

to Chicago

emergence

own,

of

he

he

not

to

had

pass

it

was

would

ever

learned

to

down

to

his

grandchildren.
He was
There
the

were
tiny

explaining

thousands

hymnals,

sat

had

explained,
forced

lawyer

welfare

church

mother

and back

sinner

and

had moved

stone

as

cadets

that

of

goods,
again,

to

laborer;

between

rich

yellow

as ,they

sang

their

stern

as their
the

hidden
live

information,

he knew them all:

high

two

bodies

larger
forms,

Rev.

blessings,

a great

and

right

way it
next

to

heart,

ideas,

learned

in

Jarrett
the

pumping

values
and poor,

expelled

churches

and worship

like

now.

the

of

these

doctor

as if

Chicago

edifices;

shook

Most

in

the

back

and

and unlearned,

saved.

He wasn't
continue

and the

churches

seemed

of segregation's

and the

circulated

forth

stiff

blend

an example
the

large

tongue.

been

of

and it

charismatics

unintelligeble

Chicago

the

and the

that

and the

history

of them,

storefronts

congregations

God's

the

to

sure,

serve

away now,

he

that
to

said,
function.

tidier

how much
Most

longer
of

neighborhoods,

his

his

church

better-off
suburban

would
members

life.

They

still

drove

nature

of

that

for

might

security
their

anything

keep

cars.

tidy

contain

the

him

of Trinity

Rev.

Wright's

could

bring

reverse

just

and

fifty

some of the
He nodded

of Christ,

some interesting

ideas.

are

used

things

congregations
me,

then

belong

doing
even

paused.

Jeremiah

up to

like
leave,

the

own

churches

way.

pastors."

He opened

"By the

way,"

he

"what

asked,

... "

tired.

might

be

there

was

-Jr.,

pastor

talking

to;

He gave
said,

"If

be

able

around

Sometimes,

the

services

to

...

Mr. Obama.

more than

different

link

me
we
to

about."

"You may be right,

their

me.

we might

talking

to?"
"I ... I attend

Wright

new

no longer

who

be worth

people

But you see,

the

a fire

a few names

together,

you're

and said,

have

to

I got

churches

trends

slowly

as

many of

would

pastors

who might

to young

on,

he was getting

other

a Rev.

protect

start

that

around

more

to

would

children

I felt

to

appeal

he passed

He feared

off;

to

wanted

lot

They

and he mentioned

Church

number,

once

circle,

hesisted

They

parking

the

But the

a home visitation

back.

that

he said,

to

in

that

habit.

They

dark.

a fenced

to trail

seemed

after

first

or

program,

city

broken;

pastor,

United

message

changed.

introductions

young

loyalty

new streets.

their

in organizing,

a dynamic

had

coming

memory of that

for

interested

stop

began

of

expected

be finally

His voice
asked

Jarrett

like

would

the

church,

would

out

a tutoring

in

the

members

past

--

them

Rev.

churches,

Sunday,

involvement

around

those

his

every

their

volunteer

the

back

the
church

You
here
the

door

for

do

you

"But

you're

"Still

searching,

"Well,

I can

you had

asking

deal

where

of

you're

of

bid

pastors

getting

yours

from.

It

and

so

was

of

to

out

car

watching

the

men;

they

didn't
Gramps

talk

much,

used

to play

same thin,
of

sweat

caps.

natty

they

years
men;

that

now -them

any better
I

hadn't

of

for

left

in

part

I would
than

:::::.ea.~ring

told

nysteries

be leaving

anyone

just

tone

--

my legs

hang

game.

They

the

the

residue

those

if

flat

in Hawaii,

encounters

I wondered

the

same beads
their

what

~e to

men that
hands,

men back

then,

had brought

next

beneath

brief

my

stiff

.ondering
our

for
late

their

me of

of

in
to

shoes,

o=those

na=es

of what

before

slender

livi~g,

~en play

ne=k,

a group

side-walk

sa=.e thick,

the

know just

passed

letting

re::::..inded

their

the

They had been

~as

--

to

straight

old

of

requires

seventy-five

awhile,

for

and improbably

folds

done

~ystery

now that

with

remember

to

they'd

before.

bridge

the

had

themselves

these

socks

along
I tried

what

door,

day,

some

is."

on the

driving

I decided

open

chairs

a gorgeous

linger

want

if

really.

aside
That

us

that

mission

where,

set

and walked

lawn

instead

to

makes

Faith,

appointment,
the

matter
us

It

their

your

of prophesy.

on my sun-glasses
out

help

doesn't

in favor
part.

set

might

requires

on our

whist.

September,

It

faith

I put

It

though.

from

men who had

game

that.

concerns,

Outside,
older

anywhere?"

I guess."

home,

more priestly

good

a member

understand

a church

What you're
our

not

of

so many
old

Chicago.

black
And

I understood

...
except

Johnnie

about

my decision.

figured
hear

there
back

from

accepted,
our

told

Johnnie

only

told

hadn't

University

my actual

a few more

I would

churches.

I needed

to

to

which

--

explain
for

be willing
too,

myself.

explanations.

I'd

applied

he had grinned

have
I had

and maybe,

need

I was

departure.

organizer

the

--

by then;

if

lead

schools

of Chicago

I even

he'd

seen

to

I wouldn't

know whether

as

and

the

and

before

in

I needed

my place

him

pass

brought

because

later:

January,

be up and running

he was my friend,

minute

until
would

budget,

Johnnie

an announcement

schools

would

on and take

Only

for

months

program
year's

because

Yale,

law
six

next

stay

be time

the

another

new youth

raised

to

would

The

--

and slapped

Harvard,
me on the

back.
"I

knew it!"

he shouted.

"Knew what?"
"That

it

was

just

a matter

of

time

before

you

were

outta

here."
"Why'd

you

Johnnie
got

that's

between

keep

that

office

fancy
For

and

just

and laughed.
Cause

brother

Harvard

hope

you

can
that,

and Roseland,

it's

Again

you

remember

downtown ...
Johnnie's

I started

"Damn,

and all

Roseland."

some reason,

defensive.

head
why.

choosing

Got-damn.

that?"

his

a concientious

a choice
gonna

shook

options,

you're

think

to

leave.
but

... cause

I mean,

you
know

when somebody's

only

he shook
your

Barack

got

so long

somebody's

head.

"Harvard!

his

friends

when

you

up

in

"
laughter
explain

had made me angry;

how I didn't

plan

angry

on being

dazzled

by the

he shouldn't
more

wealth

be either.

important,

League
his

"Hey,

you

don't

one goin

I had

stopped

muttered,

to

talking

be

all.

idea,

their

to

had

want

smiled

with

some Ivy

Johnnie

this,

put

Barack.

"Yeah,

saying

leaders

maybe.
now.

It

changed

and

well,"

that

I' 11 be

to get

the

wrong

changes
too

off

the
that

had hung

and

I'd

down:

I felt

neighborhood
I had

localized,

too

one block,

only

helped

little
to have

tried

to

anger,

been

get

the

of the

old

you succeed."

they

projected

that

see

gonna

a couple

or was it

was true
run

to

my misplaced

I'd

nobody

a cloud;

a cigarette

that

in

proud

behind

my intentions?

More than

those

lit

"Ain't

wind-breakers

Johnnie:

a mistrust

much had

dealers

was

by my outburst,

just

you or the

gently.

on the

chairs.

decision,

partial,

me all

of my desk.

" .. I'm

Man, we just

pulled

Had he doubted

that

here

on in

my lecture,

in

top

read,

I don't

Barack.

conversation

time

out

"

players

both,

went

embarrassed

on the

The sun was now slipping

of

tell

then,

lying

And Johnnie

card

happened

that

through

and that

nowhere."

pretending

that's

wrong

represented,

what

anything

half-way

need

up a report

idea ...

him that

than

About

the

back,

real,

Harvard

up in mock surrender.

hands

picked

that

I told

more

classroom.

ain't

and power

knowing

just

me that

onto

him?

back

decipher

his

feeling

on the

that
smile.

mistrusted
A little

bit

of

down for

some

defeated.

I knew that

not

on account

of

bring
too
them

late.

run

my

about

my presence;

were

We pushed

appeared

on the

always
the
next.

too
drugWe

found

a job

need

of

the

foreign
wise

for

they

in the

my leaders,

and

feeling

show,

filling

out

that

the

organizing

the

expect

to

shape

offer

mergers,
banks
failed.

the

visit

in,

traditional

prospect

for

legislative
together,

I would

learn

needed:

back

that

what

or
The

shots:

we did,

that

it

to

in

the

that

about.

the

then
to

been

telling

me

be

to

study,

courts

ir. all

in

didn't
the

rates,
way

for

I didn't

plagued

South

corporate

businesses

venture

Altgeld:

to

just

litigation

ir.terest

bring

back

would

federal

abo;_;_t. t::e

currency,

of

myself

ahead.

that

a real-estate

midst

committed

for

rights

ills

that

I had planned

chance

with

let

telling

I remained

challenges

the

I had failed

not

Even

Kenya

the

I would

Roseland,

the

Law school

civil

power's

calling

I had kept

precess;
ho~

city.

feeling

that

:earn

to

rates

the

I tried

long:

curing

I planned

put

very

from

myself.

to

for

retool

interest

still

with.

and

a knowledge

That's

I worked

really,

were

the

cause,

they

to

to

sabbatical,

detail,

Promethean

the

for

the
were

it

law

Instead,

-Still,

practice

much

Side.

to

like

recharge

were

applications,

people

thing,

summer:

reflect,

the

true

on high

in

ground.

feeling

admit

ten-thousand

No matter

myself.

even

and the

a temporary

that

another

flight

losing

law school

remained

no effect

we existed.

failed

or

find

downtown

was always

made me edgy,

to

middle-class

suits

know

side

only

had

or

fancy

even

our

It

We'd

policy,

didn't

seemed,

youth,

same.

trade
guys

one

succeeded

its

back,

and
or

intricacy
to

bring

and

where
it

it

back

was
like

fire.
the

story

I had

myself,

the

same

story

----------------

---------

imagined
had

my father

boarded

America,

the

the

acting

plane

land

out

noble

plans,

that

dreams,

Would the
maybe

once

down

to

or crime

school,

I would

motion

centuries

on

their

by

to

away

idea

the

Joyce

the

map of black
It

found
back

at

Roy,

here,

the

oxy,
finding
south

sone

of

whom had

then

that

they

principles,

for

that

marched

men,

had

there,

his

had

universe,

and those
found

to

a higher
children,

an

couldn't
of

start
Rev.

purpose,
who

hunger,

created
old

in

African

encounter

black

had
the
men

in green-eyed

over.

Jarrett's

Dr.

set
spurred

on

individual,

alongside

but

to

been

other

expression

be

by going

own blind

its

it

or

landed

recentered

came

poverty

themselves

first

marched

God's

that

and their

among members

for

Maybe,

That

he still

probably

he?

always

from

chains.

wanting

Side,

all

guns

in Hawaii;

hadn't

was right;

it

skin.

a pattern

on in Frank

just

Kenya,

An escape

of your

their
in

by

possible

Maybe Johnnie

moment white

life,

lived

refuge

Germany,
in

them

prompted

and half-way

inconsequence,

conquered

of escape.

who had

the
of

with

escape.

repeating

own fears

bringing

redrawn

be

he was

from

rationalizations,

shackles

before,

shores,
drag

or the

of

was

to

here

towards

believed

fleeing

to me?

away the

matter

Kenya,

as he

dust ...

happen

you stripped

a simple

boredom
law

same thing

to

before,

of

decision

returned

half-way

turned

out

simply

he had

man,

him

his

wasn't

years

had probably

that

fact

soon

take

He too

he

a divided

twenty-five

would

design,

And in

as

his

that

grand

sentiment,

only

himself

of dreams.

some

inconsequence.
But

telling

King,

for

rights

at

some

Auma in
And now
church,
believing
and
point

for
had

realized
that

that

even

thing

was

laws

were

after

to

freedom

physical,
the

power

of

still

the

principles

and lynchings
involved

ourselves,

reaches

and

passed

would

away from

outer

unyielding

ceased,

escape,

away from what

white

unstable,

man's

empire,

exactly

right,

the

and
closest

emotional
we knew,
or

if

not

flight

closer

into

into

its

bosom
The

analogies

relationship
never
for

between

be quite
the

Old

always

as
races

least

manuveur
community,

law firm

but

drive

a nice

car,

but

so.
precisely

the

me.

in the

been

for

For

one

thing,

to

success

of the

days,

say,

my life

contradiction.
as

between

Frank,

were

the

civil

right

movement

communities,

more room to

I could

in the

work

and still

in

a high-

in

a blue-

I could

buy a big

make my donations

to

high

schools

of black

male

success.

wrong

because

that?

I realized
he

wrong
to

with

be

any

NAACP and
--

because
such

a role

Johnnie

now, not

didn't;
with

the

success;

different

to

1 ike

model,

any

they'd

didn't

he judged

me,

my leaders,

because
than

house,

Harold's

obviously

because
he,

black

live

Side.

local

had

relations

South

at

or

And as

work

He had smiled,

my ambitions

would

I could

anything

expect

of escape,

way around:

speak

anything

the

had

or a lawyer,

live

thought;

meaning

strained

These

other

see

Roy.

as

Or the

didn't

it

the

accustomed

was,

like

an example

Was there
think

I was

an organizer

chip

and

for

more overlap

people
as

me as

even

in America,

downtown.

me,

or

and white,
for

Chicago

rise

call

same

created

for

campaign,

black

divided;

segregated

had at

the
Man,

been

between

weren't

they
of

the

didn't
other

young,

college-educated

lesson

I'd

that

most

in the

learned
black

too

expected

self-sacrifice

pestering

me about

his

the

state

as

messy

latest

sufficient

two and a half

years,

the

had told

live

more

was too

according

helping

Rev.

seat,

hard

to

money

for

concerned,

community

judge

abstract

each

white

my color

membership:

other's

had been

foundations
to run

support.

had

for

As far

always

enough

and

No one

who had decided

our

man

Lolo,

who of late

for

the

ideals.

from

--

ideals

my step-father,

Sampson,

it?

of my dreams,

Salim,

of the

wasn't

like

and was anxious

were

criteria

not

was one

of high-blown

to

him raise

not

people

father

me, full

from me --

scheme;

black

That

They were

to

senator's

most

knew.

like

who knew life

choices,

for

weren't

judgment.

people

men they

past

my mother

to pass

practical

these

folks

stories

quick

black

been

of a cross

a
to

bear.
Isn't

that

acceptance?

That

community.

But

demanding

what

about

be right

a community's
always
that

Dr.

Jones

a man like
It

part

it,

there

had

been

another

like

Darrell,
to

suffering

and

more.

made every

day.

had been
faith.

It
It

glanced

too,

not

to

Vivian.
lend

healing

to
more

give

You didn't

by others,
its

simple

meaning

and still

like

in

such

one

mothers

part

willing
I

find

or Roseland.

do right

something

to

meaning,

be black

young

take

--

certainly,

in Altgeld

yourself,

Asante

required

you could

happened

required

Chicago

been

Sure,

boys

with

come to

had

impulse.

damn about
to care

why I had

have
But to

meaning
--

that

to
had

required

the

kind

of commitment

required

the

kind

of sacrifices

the

small,

to

make.
up

now at

second

story

window

drafting
had

his

answer

It

for

self

into

players

receding

area,

pastors
and

took

with

to

going.

uncertain

as

O'Bama

--

For
these
to

on the

the

most

be

hardworking,

need

able

in

the

he

a good

myself.

But

. glancing

car,

old,

silent

card-

part,

join

or

of their

prototypes

black

congregations
They
on

yet,

this

the

Irishman,

in James

flashy

were

phone,

And a handful

grey-beards
with

most

them

to be found

sanctimonious

that
Baldwin

preaching
cars

and

plate.

though,

I came away from

impressed.

with

time.

in

organization.

assistance.

worse

day to

ministers

in their

reached
--

black

counterparts,

outside

holy-rollers

nor

the

secure

first

collection

men,

to

organization's

other

Catholic

Muslim

slick

saints

with

for

enormously

neither

from?

have

the

watch

operators,

X speeches:
or

ministers

their

to the

eye

started

to

them

when

conformed

pie-in-the-sky,
constant

convince

a few minutes

or Malcolm

and

to meet

why this

wanted

I met with
novels

to

faith

on more and more of the

obvious

suspicious

yours

I didn't

had

inside,

sight.

independent

generally

pastor

you get

me that

I had

mirror

Unlike

little

old

enough.

I continued

were

to

once,

view

the

Where did

occured

from

hoping

was a slow

week.

my cigarette

my rear

As Johnnie

the

the

imagining

was never

out

briefly

activities,

for

Perhaps,

stamped

day

church,

suddenly

him.

in one's
I

the

sermon

asked.

faith

of

charlatans,
a confidence,
11

my meetings

As a group,
but

rather

a certainty

they

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talked

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finally

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source

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the

Good News? I would

Do you know where

The

name

interviews.
sorts,

his

church

you

growth

bunch

of

it.

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of Trinity's

'buppie'

church,"

in there
on

listen

God or poor

model

among young

folks

to
folk

some

that

a right

your
came

seemed
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more

up

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they

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figure

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to

scornful

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for

of

with

"Trinity's

told

and

these

hoped

somewhat

done moved away and feel

music,

in

impressed

professionals.

clothes,

me.

from?

themselves

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pastor

ask

him as a mentor

circumspect,

congregation,
black

their

faith

what

were

African

some gospel
got

that

Wright

pastors

popularity

call

is

ministers
a

Older

rapid

of its

Rev.

Younger

accomplish.
the

of

it

feel

guilty
an
all

what
a whole
about
hour

on

either

11

---------

It
to see
in

was towards
the

church

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for

myself.

residential

itself

brick

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and

small

Africa'

in

simple

block

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church

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passed

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elderly

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was cool

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of

red

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Street,

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squeel

program.

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children

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women emerged

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South

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with

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them

giddily,

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time!"
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brisk,

waiting

cheerful

Anderson,
running

few

manner

Rev.

offer,

rear

the

church,

of

mostly,

but

she

said:

she

was

wrestled

also
her

and

life

and

up

and

and asked

where

had

if

her

her.

recently

be moving,
hard

with

in the

city.

to

herself

that

had been

died,

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to

one

the

decision,
But she

Reverend

was

some coffee.

of

towards

about

It

out

Ms.

a kitchen
chat,

the

the
church

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in

as

the

I wanted

into

we began

about

woman with

introduced

She said

followed

a little

to

long

of her

late,

husband

going

a light-skinned

assistant.

a few minutes
the

minutes,
came

Wright's

accepted

cost

on Ninety-fifth

something

into

a chance

letters.

small

their

got

a few blocks

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spiked

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landscaped

sign

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sat

expected
to

windows,

shrubs

watched

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that

neighborhood

Home projects.

building

the

end of October

year,

just

a few weeks

the

suburbs.

She

for

she

had decided

had
the

lived

had
for

move would

be

best

black

for
families

son

to

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school

free

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were

free

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convince
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hair,

to

"Barack,"
not

will
"Don't

Rev.

pay

for

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trying

bankers."
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is

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shot;

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she

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said,

forties

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slowly,

his

he'd

band,

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if

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mail

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towards

goatee,

dressed

methodically,

as

as he walked,

known me all

in

a minute

his

his

life,

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see

Ms. Anderson

said,

hand.

of your
Barack,"

her

smiled

to

skirt.

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late,"
build

always

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it

wanted

if

humming

his
if

eyes
Donita

time."

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have

standing

warned

you that

silly."

life

tomorrow.

late

mustache

letters

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being

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of

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courses,

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as

the

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doc,

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act

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Wright

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how a lot

himself.

me have

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without

had music

a man in his

sorting

up and straightening
Rev likes

explain

how,

street

be

suit.

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let

to

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he said

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to

herself.

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began

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walk
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son.

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instruments

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us,

her

he

said,

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closing

a new sanctuary,
his
want

insurance
figure

me into

the

nostrils

in

something
policy
whole

and

me.

church'll

true?"
14

the

door

office.

behind

I had to meet

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else

on

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In

with

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you.
case

collapse

him.

telling

Latest
I

drop

without

the

thing
dead
me."

Rev.
I die

Wright

tomorrow,

burial.
I'm

feet

how to

had

the

entered

was

had

his

became

clear

to

Reverend's

where

success

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of

disclaimers,
to

strains

of

hold
black

Baptist

vocation,

call

of

faith

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his

and eventually

his

PhD,

of

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if

experience,

he'd

studied

Hebrew

and Neibhuhr
the

word:

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streets,

all

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biography,

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And although

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of

Islam

two decades

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liqour,

cent

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son

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heart,

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ability

conflicting

on his

literature

me a decent

with

But the

tug

Trinity

frequent

this

dabbling

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him to
later

resisted

Sixties.

give

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mission."

he

Divinity,

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Barack.

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the

and occasional

with

will

Philadelphia,

the

church,

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back

of college,

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the

in

theologians.

brought

shed

up to

a steady

learned

book learning

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the

Trinity's

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explaining

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traditionalist
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in

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live

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church

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black

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personalities
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Africanist

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The
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------

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he admitted

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what

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church

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churches

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his.

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try

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feather

in your

Rev.

to

us

in

you

it

wasn't

involved

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yourself,"

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conversation

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me

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church,

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from

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life

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patiently

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help

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sensation

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men involved
they

way."

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Caribbean

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taste

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members

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and get

---

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we're

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radical.

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Others,

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elitist

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former

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Muslim

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country

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tendency

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keeps

us

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gang-banger

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church.

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or

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any church

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account

eagle

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sociologist

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not

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the

significance

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racist
These

University
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race.

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Now

in?"

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own confusion.

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my bank

like

bull,"

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divisions

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in

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that

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scholarship,

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that

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Barack.

cop pulls

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class

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to

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move out
what

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line

of

the

fire.

be a set

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of tired

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he

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boy

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sight,

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Donita

my opinion

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boy's

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the
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safety."

city,"
black

"Life's
Never

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lot

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He didn't

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conversation

myself.

that.

his

Ms. Anderson

though.

dignity

of

to

to tell

you

him

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about
man how

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for

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a

set

the

a Commitment

soldiers

Family;

was

--

had given

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up prayerful

humankind."

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brochure

list,

give

activists,

that

System'

the

to

Ms. Anderson

brochure
the

Topping

all

Black

of names that

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strength

Christian

the

to

of

he asked

back

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1979.

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and

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the

Community

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affairs.

over

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like

Rev.

and played

him

country,

be."

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in

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to manage

for

man,

blame

will

this

and on my out

in my car

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man in

reminding

hands,

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adopted

never

of members
I sat

particularly

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prepare

then

for

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Anderson

appointment.
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safe

up in the
of

to

God,

passivism
freedom

commitment

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had

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and

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to

guiding

congregation

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and

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to Education,

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me,

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values

that

list

old Rev.

country

church

passage

that

--

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Jarrett

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Trinity's

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recruited

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programs

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poor

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doctors,

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society

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believing
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bulk

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tutorials,

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well-to-do

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black

of the
that

corporate
in

churches.
actively

to

meet

and alcohol
church's

the

blacks

was
and

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designed
drug

in

membership

had

programs

church.

secretaries

other

project

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justified

its

and

in

amount

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of

in

of the

partly

teachers

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members

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legal

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number

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on

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is

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and

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critics,

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teaches

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success

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working-class,

of captives

those

brother

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as

went

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it

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weeks

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church
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But

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African

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pursued

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to

the

--

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on

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as bones

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religious,

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,the

from

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in

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that

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role

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run

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teacher

duty

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it

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culture,

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culture

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to me earlier,

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inchoate

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was

young

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more

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told

offer

can;

to

just

me that

single

physician

city

wasn't

but

Trinity

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and

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one's

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own life,

will

all

they

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see

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awakening;
to

at

finding

to

choice

from themselves.

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they

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fold,

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institutions.

regularly,

religion

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every

harbor;

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--

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white

dead-end;

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intellectual

seemed

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practice

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spiritual

denominations.

any religious

church

their

other

help

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big
The

former

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validation

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claims

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doctor

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to

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to

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Trinity

its

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our

us'

in

permutations,
fates

fact

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cultural

remained
still

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enough

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young

interest

And

stand,

if

churches

Wright

principles

would

in

such

culture

intelligible

unity

refused
what

community

intact?

would

such

put

respond
given

Trinity's

with

me,

the

brochure

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chance

questions

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same

same

article

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were
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run?
take

schools

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or

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people

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nod that

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city,

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the

Wright

Rev.

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Christian

reform

like

then

the

Wright

if

help

the

Rev.

to

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leaving

way the

proposals

men

more,

Would

allow

more

I couldn't

administrator,

the

this

nationalism,

from

latest

conflict,

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doors

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jails.

alter

in

like

genuine

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unity,

public-school

parent,

housing?

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Christian

a black

public

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or

assurances

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the

on the

the

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out

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holding

its

provided

simple

of

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risk

than

men

such

lawyer

black

powerful

Ms. Anderson

Would

and

pliant

was

like

public-school

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accomodate

more people

black

greater

By broadening

bound;

It

one more

Trinity's

between

forceful

like

inseparably

my own brand

black

fellowship

provided

streets.

acceptance.

community,
than

church

hence

of

remained.

memory;

sustaining

or

enter,

in the

own forms

and

purity;

in all

presence

now had their

racial

all

their

mother,

Rev.

Jarrett

look.

For

of

faiths,

them,

and
the

no less

than

belief

in

the

would

tellme.

start

a community

Maybe

And I would
that

I could

between

with

shrug

and

You have
joined

the

Why don't

and play

the

simple

that

voices,

with

you

off,

between

endurance;

faith

could

they
help

us

to confess

and

mere

in

remained

of

folly,

I believed

I reluctantly

God to

ideas,

unable

while

wary

good

come on by on Sunday?

question

of my own motives,

many quarrels

some

church,
you

distinguish

in their

doubtful
too

you

program.

I heard

myself,

if

no longer

faith

sincerity

Ressurection.

a skeptic

expedient

accept

any salvation

Harold

Washington

the

conversion,
too

easily

won.

The day
It
had

before

occured

without

won reelection,

breaking

the

previous

four

1983;

years.

managed,

presence.

had

finally

action;
poverty

sent

So secure

his

willingness

among

of

the

to

checks

was his

whites
with

who

of balanced

make

cut

people

magic,

to

to

out,

the

ready

own base,

the

fervor,

old

his

that

for
time

the

his

disappointed

city

son,

this

the

to

power

the

some of

Pols,

Harold

campaign

a campaign
out

their

within

among activists
head-on;

any

earlier,

Old Man Daley's

in

a cautious

without

and

and

prevailed

consolidation,

Irish

surfaced

with

had

He reached

community

his

upset

of

the

business

Vrydolak

He had run

works.

politicians,

that

died.

Only a few months

vanquishing

a campaign
public

warning.

deadlock

professionally

and

Thanksgiving,

budgets

time

Machine

peace.

campaign,

The

resigned

rumblings

of discontent

among black

nationalists

and

Hispanics

his

failure

preferred

the

of

to

into

the

to tackle

the

dream

to

the

----------

reality,

impotence
Harold

reason

to

mayor

for

didn't
take

pay

the

next

cried.

the

The

trying

to

several

blocks,

as

blacks

frightened

of the

By the
black
shock.

maintaining

was

too

black

politics

the
gone,

glow

for

had
his

serve
office

out
was

day

Harold's
all

be

ridiculous

Hall,

the

the

body

In

people
hour

in

way.

rain.

indoors,

visited

funeral,

to meet,

openly

after

lines

the

hour,

wound around

lying

in

state.

stricken,

uncertain

of direction,

Washington

loyalists

-- mostly

but

--

was

to

City
the

extinguished.

follow.

Factions
Council

was to

coalition

that

I went

initial

on a strategy
heir.

The
smile,

a sun.

presence

the

But it

organization

on his

like
that

the

to decide

no political

radiating
on what

through

a rightful

on one man,

squabbled.

term,

select

principles

centered

the

trying

to

There

agree

had worked

regroup,
trying

presence,

The politicians
the

he'd

man giving

speeches,

City

dazed,

defined

no one could

By Monday,

and at

that.

clearly

of

almost

steady

silent;

Harold's

mourners

control,

late

final,

cold,

were

dead,

of the

They began

no

and politicians

for

He said

no

future.

time

place,

weekend,

appeared

activists

hurry.

of an overweight

replayed

summon the

Everywhere

simple,

streets

radio

to

He saw

attention.

years.

heart

that

much

no reason

sudden,

the

neighborhood,

critics

risks,

death:

rained

such

twenty

ordinariness,
It

compromise.

major

And then
its

to

in

entire
his

Now that

of

grace,
he was

had meant.

emerged.

Rumors

elect

a new mayor

had
down to

first
City

put
Hall

flew.
to

him

in

that

evening,

to

mostly

watch

black,

since

late

dollar

had

cut
bills
days

support;

they

stomped
But

huddling

overflowed
towards

wind whipped
sign

tumble

Lives

On'

~ords,

that

and

Council

were

whispering

looking

into

sign

out

both

aldermen
They

waved

a hold-over
had

and an Uncle

Tom.

it

around

from

thrown

their

They chanted

wanted;

power

vigils.
to

been

taking

Harold's

now
at

the

in

a vote,

the

man;

each

the

aldermen

the

other,

other's

still-chanting

ears,
crowd

fleshy

same look

could
Around

and I saw two of the

and

men in double-

of hunger

in their

score.
I

pushed

the

street,

and

where

and sharp

me along

same picture

--

men and

black

aldermen

that.

said,

the
bloc.

of them large,

of them with

place

at

alderman

got

They

smiles,

shouted

seekers,

candle-light

One had

up cold

the

chambers

knew what

side.

past

Council

leave.

the

the

City

aldermanic

briefly,

after
out

outside

curiousity

opened

both

left

People,

white

and

the

men who knew the

I

to

prayers

then

suits,

burial.

black

never

before

their

second

him a sell-out

and

to

this

white

was patient,

briefly,

eyes

the

whom the

swore

s.

suppressing

plaza

behind

chambers

Vrydolyak'

breasted

They

called

off

smiling

and signs.

soft-spoken

and

the

people,

the

just

to

old

at

slogans

midnight,
door

--

with

--

death,

gathering

deals

power

outwait

been

banners

Machine

and

second

afternoon

women with
who had

this

the

I'd

began

parked

smooth

seen

walking

crowds

so many times

Daley

As I walked,

surface.

letters.

that

across

and I watched

paved

block

the

my car.

as a blade,

in heavy
I.had

through

a handmade
'His

Spirit

And beneath
while

the

waiting

the
for

a chair

in

indulgent
space,

Smitty's
smile,

all

the
in

meeting

with

trying

to

"Well
emerging

--

Mrs.

Banks,

got

potential

involved
think

would

... hold

in

the

she'll

her

"What

she

In
letter

came with

financial
office.
Punahou

aid
It
that

shifting
notes,

I would

" --

Holiness

ask

drove

Johnnie

his

briefcase

there's

Church.
it

ask.

this

Seems

is.

in

woman,

like

Teacher,

interested

and

she's
heavily

education.

us."

her ... "

of the

teacher's

union?"

had half-an-hour

received

information,
me of

...

my acceptance

packet

summer fourteen

craft

I knew.

through

here

to

of

do?"

to

a thick

reminded

of

a city-

a series

Side,

region.

constant

with

We held

week?"

Auxiliary,

I only
I

the

say,

yeah,

think

Barack,

February,

for

husband

I forgot

"Damn,

the

work with

"You know,
does

South-east

Vine

Women's

definitely
does

in

this

on,

the

an empty

with

We worked

reform.

set

True

face,

across

pace,

school

with

a dog-eared
at

undone.

him everything

you meet

over

"What

of

strategy

"he

with

left

into

grizzled

now blowing

a breathless

Mexicans

cram

"So who did

quickly,

support

handsome,

leaf.

things

common environmental
nuts,

eyes,

passed

wide coalition
joint

twinkling

as an autumn

The months
of

the

the

as easily

reminders

barbershop,

from

of information:

apartment
the

packet

years

earlier;

"
Harvard.

a course

listing
that

from
I'd

bulletin,
the

received

I remembered

The

housing
from

how Gramps

had

stayed

music

up

the

lessons

and

baccalaureates.
my meal
would

ticket,

the

night,

advanced

reading

that

the

that

that

I would

that

evening,

he had

and tousled

whiskey,

his

smiled

at

I was

field

him,

as we chased
I felt

so

of the

key existing

leadership.

coming

the

year,

for

a training

the

continued

finished,
Johnnie

No one
atterwards

to

announced

would

offering

into
head

that

Wright,

surprised.
words

at
had

showed

part

up at

a bright

blue

up,

for

to

away

of dues,

churches.

the

on a speech,

as did

death.

the

join

most

of our

strategies

from Harold's
on a schedule

office,

agreed

we discussed

be

wet mud,

our

who was

more

cool,

kite.

week

churches

I would

over

turned

a tattered

recruit

be taking
was

the

invited

agreed

need

sinking

learned

retreat,

And I had

a paddy-

Together

lessons

cry.

of

along

that

we had

smelling

barefoot

whose

ministers

of the

and running

our

Rev.

end

wishing

a luncheon

for

the

and

actually

now.

Except

to

Punahou

circles,

breath

about

be

but

that

ministers

organization.

he were

his

and

would

like

And at

my hair,

after

like

scheduled

or

boys,

hopelessly

something

I had

most

brown

had.

about

clubs

me it

a school

to understand,

my feet

glee

move in charmed

never

if

Indonesia

with

of other

as

pretending

in

somewhere,

twenty

shining

still

of a chain
sky

eyes

back

that

smiled

he'd

catalog,

and told

I made at

opportunities

the

courses,

catalog

contacts

me a lifetime;

from

placement

He had waved

last

have

whole

for

the

We set

dates

talked

about

When

we

were

in

May,

and

that

all

came

up to

leaving

as director.
Like

Johnnie,

of congratulation.

they

Rev.

Jarrett

assured

me

me I had made a wise

knew I'd
willing

to

cover

to

Only

Cathy

she

helped

Loretta

something

advise
to

of

hers

seemed

upset.

to

me,

until

I asked

"What

is

it

with

you

hurry?

Why is
I started

Cathy's

pulled

never

it

that

to

say

meeting

know.

room,

who had

asked

fell

most

and

I clean

her

what

they

always

me if

I'd

be

down a man-hole

I walked

to

was

the

she

a ride

her

didn't

home.

voice

trembling

you're

always

ever

good

enough?"

decided

not

and the

door,

working

But

had

it

at home,

her

Dan

said,

then

ministers

needed

isn't

but

the
up.

"Why is

you have

daughters

of

she

she

coat.

something

where

if

men?"

on her

two manila-hued

would

Yvonne

After

Dan and Johnnie

as she

said

sue.

a word

slightly

and Margaret

someday.

a nephew

and wanted

left,
say

amount

choice.

thinking

father

then

on

to,

that

returned

plate

in a

of

they
to

the

left-over

chicken-wings.
"Want

some?"

I shook
watched
from

my head,

me for

hot

taking

awhile,

a seat

chewing

He took
ain't

bites.
across

silently,

know,

on you,

"Yeah,
a sip

that

"How can
"Don't

grows

kinda

I nodded.

"Just

in between

the

table

licking

from him.

his

fingers,

He
red

sauce.

"Place

years

he asked

long

~.. does.

Dan.

fro::

his
to

you be sure
know

how I

that's

all."

don't

soda

know,"

He went
27

finally.

out

a small

burp.

"Three

he said.

gonna
he

he said

11

"

and let

be gone,"
I'm

it?

be back?"
said,

to

wash

pushing
his

away

hands,

his
then

plate.
mounted

his

bike

and

started

I woke up at
I shaved,
church

wobbling

six

brushed
by

the

usher

hats;

unsmiling

tall,

in their

parent

from

with

older
the

lint

to

led

had

the

father
the

God?"
up,"

"Both

of you

greying

afro

sleepy

voices

filing

down

an organ

waved

boys

older
settle

through

following

matrons

in

ties

aisle,
and
the

beside

her
the

an

I'm

so glad,

Jesus

is

in me!

I'm

so glad,

Jesus

is

in me!

kufus;
seats.

from the

CHA

shunted

between

of
the

kicking
ask

a plump,

family

jacket,

the

each

his

four,
mother
other.

brother.

mother

read

the

hymns.

in

as they

quickening
in me!

stop

plumaged

middle-aged

demeanor,

dressed

is

to

now,"

a few tradition

Jesus

filled.

curtly.

woolen

the

replied.

pastor,

so glad.

at

African

a young

toddler

down right

I'm

arrived

in their

myself

and

coarse

singing

outside.

wide,

and

nodded

in his

boy

dark

at me; an official

over,

and a no-nonsense

clapping

already

squirming

run-ins

scoot

associate

the

pews

and

already

I overheard

the

Trinity's

shawls,

to

sweating

"Shut

and

of a row and stuffed

two young

"Where's

best

several

center

already

suits

was still
suit,

the

elderly

in

school

had

It

my only
of

me past

Sunday

woman who failed

telling

from

men

street.

Sunday.

Most

Dr. Jones'

whom I

through

that

seven-thirty.

white-gloved

children

a.m.

down the

white
fanned

drums:

said.
woman

bulletin

Soon

the

robes

and

out

behind

with

and led
choir

kente
the

was
cloth

altar,

Singing

Glory,

Jesus

is

Ha-le-lu-yah!

in me!

As the

congregation

appeared

beneath

rafters.

The Reverend

scanning
pass

the

from

up to
that

the
week,

and

and pray

the

silent

read

hands,"
foot

"

"Lord.

we come first

low ... but

thank

all

you!

sharer.

walks

For

we thank
The

Audacity

title
of

rivals,
him,

=8~:erence,

were

name

the
read,

collection

basket
he stepped

who had

said,

passed

causing

"as

cross

you for

you most

of all

...

away

flutter

the

foot

and kneel

"

what
for

we sit

you've

already

Jesus.

Lord.

Some considered
at

from

of recognition.

rugged

ground

Wright,

of

high.
this

Lord ... our

burden

bearer

Wright's

sermon

that

done
we come

and

cross.
and

some
Lord,

heavy

load

you ... "

of

Rev.

Hope."

Book of Samuel

re~ind

Jesus

the

those

Reverend

life.

hung

was over,

each

murmur

Rev.

devotions

collection

to thank

of

on equal

while

of

then

that

watching

ailing,

the

deacons,
cross

names

of an old

"Yes ...

different

the

the

us ... We come to thank

from

of him,
When the

crowd,

us join
at

remained

who were

in the

the

spare

hand.

those

"Let

her

to

in,

single,

in front

pulpit

somewhere

for

the

faces

hand

joined

--

He began
the

story

with

a scriptural

of Hannah,

had wept

and shook

he said,

of a sermon

a sermon

in which

in prayer

the

morning

a fellow
pastor

who,

passage
barren

before
pastor

was
from

"The
the

and taunted

her

God.

The story

had preached

had described

by

going

at

to

museum and being

confronted

"The painting
to be sitting
and

sees

atop

that

the

dressed

in

string.

One's

valley
war.

food

is

this

most

more

the

congregation

would

mountaintop,

worrying

of those

closer

woman who seems

whose

husband

service,
one;"

the
the

to

and

Hiroshima,

face

House

and

of

to

the

have

all

spoke

treating

jitney

service

whose weal thy

violence

throw

of

the

of

like

and the
parents

Reverend

escort
worry

Wright

bill.
the

the

that

the

far

from

the

But

also

the

care
the

all

more about

the

middle-class

taken

service

as

prosaic,

those

maid,

of

But

more

summit:

"the

the

callousness

of

needs

On

While

hardship

light

one

world!

House.

the
pain

in

world.

became

worldly

in a year,

... That's

State

the

away more

apartheid

metaphorical

her

down the

need,

the

in

the

paying

her

frayed

below,

see

bulletin,

strife

tomorrow,
about

bloodied,

single

the

ships

on a fallen
church

is

child

hemisphere

He

famine,

in

on their

immediate.

scene

cruise

a world

another

stories

and

of Port-au-Prince

runs

White

to

appears

more closely,

bruised

the
of

where

a meditation

the

glance

and deprivation.

residents

Sharpsville

unfolded,

strife

first

reduced

ravages

"Hope."

one looks
is

down to

a world

went,

in

the

under

me doodled

policy-makers

pain

drawn

in

to

of

pain

then

apathy

it

sermon

harp

greed

And so

spoke

the

folks'

sits!"

next

rags,

world.

hope

Until

painting

we see

entitled

... who at

the

groaning

hemisphere.

boys

mountain.

where

white

which

a great

is

in a day than

where

a harpist

woman in

eye

a world
"It

depicts

tattered

below.

by a painting

of,

but

household
rolled

"the

into
texture

of

hair

inside

on the
the

outside

of

the

head

than

the

quality

of

stands

on?"

education

head."

"Isn't

that

. the

world

that

each

of us

known

bitter

again

the

"Yessuh!"
"Like

Hanna.

rejection

and

we have

Daily.

times!

we

face

despair!"

"Say it!"
"And
Like

yet

Hanna.

floating

consider
that

upwards

has

the

audacity

she

has

left!"

People
cry

out

to

higher

to

hear
the

God that

the

merging
the

of

with

Christian's

shout,

to

a forceful

and

fear

the

desire

for

that
city,
the

cross,

escape,

the

the

past

the

clap

and
joy

I heard
give

about

me

anger

of

that

the

up

I began

swirl

pride

and

voice

my seat,

and

to

one string

and

year

race

desire

hope .. She

Reverend's
from

notes

black

desire

oneself

to

up to

on despair.

note

--

Hope!

inside

stories

David

of
lion's

--

I heard

hundreds,

the

the

listened

and ourselves.

I imagined

in

the

over

to

seats

disappointment

other

a floor

single

carrying

Hope!

faint

God on the

their

and

few

She dares

from

of my leaders,

suspicion,

each

put

rise

wind

by Watts.

upwards.

heaven.

I had heard

about

could

foot

across

to

notes

Salim,

the

the

As I watched

And in that
the

the

looking

painting

to make music ... and praise

the

felt

go,

towards

ground.

men like

let

is

and wave,

courage

people

harpist

began

all

once

stories

den,

and

something

thousands,
of

Goliath,

Ezekiel's

ordinary
Moses
field

else;

of

churches

black
and
of

at

dry

people
Pharaoh,
bones.

Those

stories

story,

--

of survival,

my story;

the

blood

tears

our

seemed

a once more a vessel

future

generations,

least,

tears;

our

the
didn't

of

study

cherish

or a week from now,

communion

sometimes

black;

about,

storehouse
to

I would

simplified

our

disguise

or

suppress

the

and

would

fulfill

its

promise

only

also

felt

nascent,

the

first

incomplete,

time

the

once

our

more

all

which

feel

real

through

how that

possibility

we

that

journey,
we
that
might
draw

a day

from

this

Sunday

it

could

among us,
not

carried

of moving

that

could

that

action,

at
and

people

conflicts

spirit

into

accessible

condition,

very

day,

unique

And if,
to

the

memories

that

continue

blood,

For a moment,

at

rebuild.

our

of a people

reclaim

from

sometimes

for

to

became

bright

in chronicling

memories

start

this

world.

memories

Benin,

-our

story

became

or

and

was
on

the

a larger

us a means

shamed

pride,

church,

carrying

into

and hope

spilled

tribulations

Egypt

and

for

gave

feel

ancient

confidence
now,

song

had

black

and more than

to

and

this

and

and

need

that

and out

black

stories

those

until

trials

universal,

and freedom,

words,
within

beyond

our

I
it,

narrow

dreams.
"The
singing
till

audacity

in the
you

find

"That's

house,
it ...

anything

when
... at

hope!
'There's

still

a bright

remember
side

my grandmother,

sornewhere ... don't

rest

111

right!"

"The audacity
Times

of

looked
the

of hope!
like
age

Times
I

of

wasn't
fifteen,

when we couldn't
ever
busted

going
for

pay the
to
grand

bills.

amount

to

larceny

auto-theft.

and yet

and

still

my momma and

daddy

would

break

into

Why were

they

a song .

Thank

you.

Jesus.

Thank

you.

Jesus

Thank

you.

Jesus.

Thank

you.

Jesus

Thank

you.

Je-sus

Thank

you.

Lo-ord

long

way

You brought

me fro-om

Mighty

way.

long
.. and

thanking
see.

it

mighty
made

Him for

I was only
"Tell

it

understand

about

they

were

hope

for

in me!

when

I let

to

Wright's

I looked

down to

his

slightly

turning
that

Oh.

choir

Reverend

him,
back
I felt

this

singin!

troubles?

I would

at the

horizontal

dimension

his

ask

I thank

myself.

of their

Jesus.
back

I thank
up

call,

I felt
the

older

apprehensive
mother

glanced

the

altar.

running

for
for

into

as
at
It

not

But
lives!

he

the

was only

down my cheeks.

the

dared

to

go of me.

congregation

alter

on the

two boys

me with

they

"

to

handed

vertical

understand

letting

as

touch

of the

that

song,

walking

the

I didn't
all

you ...

a light

about

God!

you Jesus.

who were

tears

talking

to

those

see

were

Him in advance.

lifted

towards
the

they

relationship

thanking

applaud

face

me.

their

that

their

go of you!

As the

Beside

of

to

now!"

that

began

all
looking

"I didn't
dimension.

no sense

top

sitting

to

of my hand.
beside

me a pocket
a faint
as

accept

smile

I thanked

me,

tissue.
before
the

boy

"Oh Jesus,"
"Thank you for

I heard
carryin

the

older

us this

far."

woman beside

me whisper

softly.

Chapter

I flew
young
the

out

British

plane,

gangly

still

flying.

I told

a little

South

there

had

African

if

mining

us on for

a permanent

I reckon

-oil

"Well,
much agree
for
isn't

a moment.
it?

aren't
countries.

Best

for
if

imagine

me,

given

race

"But

policy

then

the

from what
to death

Don't

envy

to
thank

getting

there.
of

I can tell.

like
them,

they

with

like

they

have

they'll

take

a decent

wage,

of

bleedin

that,"

A shame,
Africa's

but

South

he said.
that."

apart

in South

compared

"Don't

He thought

falling

The blacks

you,

black

training.

do in some of these

mind

work

on some

a lot

such
about

rest

his

you."
chance,

right

to

for

out

spending

in geology,

lucky

freeze

was

Johannesburg,

"Seems

we have

my family.

mind

to

we're

with

where

classmates

so if
chance

ask

program

his

the

in

you're

Going

of

emergency

to visit

a year.

willing

be interested

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starving

for

spot.

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the

and

there,

that

I'd
with

him

the

Wouldn't

of a degree

people

you're

rig.

might

for

to

I hear.

back

uncomfortable

turned

of

He was a pale,

over

who's

chance.

companies

unless

I mentioned
Africans

as part

arranged

of trained

Sea

place,

the

me.

to Nairobi,

I had the

that

a shortage

North

he

A group

filled

he read

someone

airborne,

skies.

beside

acne;

him I was traveling

He explained

government

seat

with

a beautiful

time

stormy
blazers

the

like

we were

"Nairobi's

am."

troubled
twice,

Once

under

in ill-fitting

and one of them took

instructions

headed.

Airport

men dressed

youth,

card

of Heathrow

now,

African

God-forsaken
to

some poor

bugger

in

Ethiopia

... "

A stewardess
the

young

of

politics,

thing

man pulled
you

back

sitting
rubbish.

that's
and

set

words

the

had

thing

to

what

book

snoring

softly,

his

I blame

his

fault

the

questions

breach
the

seat

from

all

of his

views;

easy

even

a black

an assumption

sorts,

but

westerner

not

to

full

a land
I

leaned
I

had

that

which

an anger

askew

desire

entirely
of

at

strangers

back
spent

in

to

American,

world

only
the

the

on

his

Brit's

entirely

clean,

at

him now,

better

his

source

Was it
answer
of

to

was

of my anger,

assumption

least

nose.

accused

naturally

already

lot?

no real

be

real

read,

that
share

marked

I,
in

as
his

a progress

marked

my uneasy

status,

west,

an African

on his

way

about

past

three

what

...

my chair,
them

of

to

fin-shaped

me: his
might

tried

on his

could

was the

home in

old

The young
not

I had

he

with

me

and

I looked

slightly

in his

for

slipping

bag

emotions.

familiarity

same

corner

a few pages.

The worst

out
Same

the

before

my book-learning,

he posed?

stay

old men in Parliament

own little

my carry-on

modest

and

a nap.

I realized,

his

and

talking

said,

rent,

my business.

the

your

for

for

I try

of

just

only

glasses

for

dole,

of decorum ... and maybe that

fact

weeks.

his

of other

him for

that,

an American,

of

he

made me angry,
sorts

none

mind

say,"

headphones

"Course,

it's

do is

down after

by all

Could

wallet.

speeches,

a book

muddied

with

on the

making

out

aisle

Figure

reclining

I pulled
but

his

everybody

and

Best

headphones

out

know.

home --

back

world,

came down the

thinking

wandering
2

through

the

Europe,

had

planned

to be a whimsical

a chance

to

before.

It

Thames,

unwind

and

was all

swans

The

at

shadows

and

Palatine,
ruins,

whispering
All

very

I knew that
live

out

I began

the

of
Old

Europe,

made

stripped

that

everything

passing

day,

a way from

by the

Children

playing

sky

Night

falling

wind

Garden.

and

Chirico
over

rushing

the

through

the

felt
the

me and whatever

as

I saw,

attempt

to

there

was

no more

forced

to

I were

trying

put

of

like

stop

putting

it

off.

work

and

obsessions,

to

which

look

myself,

of

inside

pane

was just

coming

to

my own

a hard

off

stripped

racial

if

week was out,

incompleteness

my European

language,

first

of

one more

to

terms

with

There

in

routine
I'd
and

become
found

there.
had terrified

I had
to

It

romance;

of America's

emptiness

hesistant

a mistake.

I was

Nairobi,

seen

Castle,

Spanish

before

last

of

The thought
to

never

of Luxembourg

the

that

Only

so accustomed
great

appear,

suspect

one

even

its

to Kenya,

I'd

water.

groves

and yet

else's

to

delay,

stripped

lapping

with

to

--

between

Man.

world
Windsor

overhead.

stars

somebody

glass.

the

journey

of mortality.

I'd

stood

means

noon,

beautiful

history

of

chestnut

swirling

first

my larger

really.

the

the

high

sparrows

the

a part

across

between

before

beautiful,

drifting

Mejor

see

very

hide-and-go-seek
Plaza

detour

talk

spent
to

landing,

Unable

next

strangers,

depended
my life

the

me.

two

weeks

gripped

on reaching

was slipping

to

reschedule
strangely

with

Africa

a different
3

the

intact;

away from me.

I was feeling

my flight
withdrawn,

irrational
that

with

And now,
kind

of

fear

six

fear.

each
hours
What

was it?
There

The fear

of disappointment?

was a utility

what

do

you

Ancient

to

see?

images

of

Africa

coups,

led

by

sticks

--

write

sweeping
--

the

that

selective

overhead

between

the

light

engine,

Spain,

old

Madrid

night

background,

and

other

counter-

like

shephard

as distortions
or a reason

you

could

engage

offared

the

Old Man.

For

eight

the

table,

Granps

in

Africa

to
in

sweater,

English;

his

the

the

bars

on Hotel

up

to

only

of the

wasn't

felt

white

old

slung

much better
4

place,

his

where

with

up the

for

there,
a

balls

fine
and

following

those

late

their

streetwalkers

me

evenings

joint.

slender
shoulder.
than

a few

Waiting

covered

Spaniards

met

half-way

table

man in the

over

I'd

a pool

with

a dark,

that

tavern

I racked

Street,

me then,

a knapsack
Spanish

green

was

off

hum of the

glasses.

and renewbered

eyes,

the

cloudy

Bored,
eyes

an African

run-down

there

I turned

to the

A road-side

reason

curious
the

to

from short,

missing.

I felt

come

back

A small,

some

ball

listening

run.

unused,

and Granps

woolen

my eyes,

drifting

wine

somehow,

He had

once

and Barcelona.

to play.

and pinps

you'd

man on the

bus.

the

started

with

the

and

M-16s

of colonialism,

distance,

my mind

and drank

inconguous

around

a legacy

All

coups

men weilding

eyes
apartheid.

drums.

plagues,

the

your

against

talking

into

and closed

another

men sat

dust,

Squint

distance?

embrace.

airplane
in

all.

the

recede

With

The same embrace

the

famine,

of losing

struggles

vistas,

press;

check.

his

young

could

western

after

and

illiterate

all

of a biased

distance,

Mandela

traditions,

The fear

mine.

man in

a worn

He spoke
But he had

no
a

winning

smile,

and the

offered

to

me coffee,

told

buy

me he

work.

was

from

He showed

a young
left

girl

her

saved

with

us talking
explain

jokes

above

the

driver's

front

of an old

He explained
we could
beside
from

inside

his

water,

misty

sky.

led

leading

With

colonies

smile,

was

man far
--

now breaching
own

his
away

Algerians,
the
ragged,

dawn,

for

seasonal

full
rest

He had
as

he

neither

of the

let

he clapped

but

before

that

grew

of water
me the

we washed
hair,

me on the

up one

of

in

ships.

he handed

knotted

up

off

cargo

palm

and together

to

hooked

way;

thick

first,

of

and he tried

and a bottle

our

of

soon

of empty

ceremony,

picking

wallet,

we were

great

before

He

contraption

a toothbrush

finished,

bar.

as

him,

a short,

and combed

the

together,

with

before

my fill

teeth

bar

the

at

her.

Barcelona

to

knapsack.

me towards

for

send

a TV-video

me over
out

our

and

to walk

He

he said.

someday,

a port

and pulled

me an approving

hungry

have

When we were

What

their

we'd

I take

and brushed

and

beside

he

faces

of

bus-depot,

insisting

gave

out

company.

in his

reunited

to

Shortly

start,
road,

bus

seat.

that

the

His wife,

be

of

Spain

cheeks.

a chocolate

coming

standing

he kept

write

the

I split

need

photograph

would

up riding

in

criss-crossing

smooth

He would

someone
we took

Senegal,

They

much.
the

which

round,

money.

We ended

of

me a battered

behind.

the

urgency

our

under

the

back

and

my two

bags

town.

name?
from

couldn

home,

West

one

of

Indians,

the

of

their

haphazard

invasion.

now;

just

many children

Pakistanis

barricades

remember

former
And

another
of

former

and Vietnamese
masters,
yet,

as

--

mounting
we walked

towards
him

the

Ramblas

better

than

that

any

chilly

man;

that,

earth,

we were

somehow

parted

company,

I had remained

watching

his

making

bandy-legged
then

that

and

blue

mornings;

wish

was also

fellow
the

Man,

or

bought

me coffee

thinking

that

expect:

the

kindness

...

and

the

stewardess

dark,

but

lights,
shape

of

hills

appeared,

horizon.

a long,

the

long

distance,
a life

that

a part
of open

moment,

realizing

that

time,

that

such

my image

of

knowing

that

and that

that

was real,

me water,

this

was

all

encounter,

were

broken

I shook
eat

with

I dozed

was passing
my face

black

by

the

the

like

much of
into

out

customs

the

flight

the

a long

been

like

to

strand

grow

it

I could

see

he

up

in

and

when

was still
scattered

swarming
a slope

of light
dawn

as

When I awoke,

outside

gradually
later,

crew,

shoulder,

though,

sleep.

glass,

on an African
6

on the

to
small

listening

forms.

fire-flies,

down

of

a fitful

A few minutes

As we touched

act

an appetite,

off

against

the

lightly

had

and

story,

of

of

he had

a right

precision,

it

against

as my image

man had

Brit

this

any

sound

young

what

have

below.

shared

impressive

bites,

and hazy

that

of

roads

also

perhaps

a city

for

into

the

When we finally

but

came on,

soft

him,
at

an idea;

and offered

pressing

into

of

of Africa;

I didn't

movie

shrink

ends

my image

between

the

street

I knew

selective

him

Manchester.

journey.

in the

go with

opposite

if

and

us dinner.

described,

same

as

as partial

chance

watched

from

felt

was just

My thoughts
serving

the

realizing,

a romance,

traveller

Old

I could

I had

coming

image

me wishing
other

morning,

into
of

on the
I

the

rounded
eastern

saw high

thin

clouds

streak

the

sky,

their

underbellies

glowing

with

a reddish

hue.

Kenyatta
off

the

over

International

plane.

Officials

our passports;

slowly

hand

passed

started

ashtray,
heard

to

the

guard

"This

is

and

asked

tea

a creaky

myself

towards

I must

your

area,

lit

be

in

me if

first

trip

in

guard
I

as they

sight,

Kenya,

yes?"

belt

was

so I took

a few

a wooden

club

in

around

for

an

instead

area,
smoke

checked

Only

looked

an extra

we filed

conveyor

with

a non-smoking

to

as

a cigarette.

me.

I had

empty

morning

I saw a security

walking

thinking

their

almost

Auma was nowhere

bag

when

was

baggage

luggage.

on my carry-on

moments

sipped

in the

disgorging

seat

Airport

but
to

he

spare.

asked

as

I gave

him a light.
"That's

right."

"I see."

He squatted

You know my brother's

engineering

in

I told

he took
this
and

several

head

"You are

Samson

Ntieno.

from

America.

He is

studying

last

the

never

his

been

nephew.
from

of the

guard

if

to Texas,

This

his

seemed

cigarette

other

in

passengers

anymore

and so hadn't
to disappoint
quick

had the
him,

and

succession.

on my flight

bags

were

coming.

"but

if

you will

11

He disappeared

had

By
left,

He shook

his

doubtfully.
"I don't

I will

I'd

puffs

the

I asked

perhaps.

me.

Texas."

to meet

time,

son,

him that

opportunity

down beside

find

think
someone

so,"

he said,

who can

help

you.
7

just

wait

here,

around

narrow

corridor,

anticipation
I

had

Instead
for

reappeared,
dark,
Miss

telephone

this

time

awfully
just

to

back

this

me.

form

up

in

began

to

security

guard

woman beside

She introduced
had probably

form,

we can call

as the

and

she

next

him:

herself

as

been

sent

on to

she

said.

"If

gave

yes

the

be related

to

--

in."

once-over

before

Dr.

by any

Obama,

he was my father."
sympathetically.

father

was a close

"I'm
friend

when I was a child."

We began

to

talk

about

London,

her

interest

trying

to prolong
--

Ms.

Omero's

beauty

that

she'd

recognized
not

in

my visit,

she

the

and

she

travelling

to

conversation,

mentioned

my name.
Indonesia,

in

very

That
not

sorry

about

of my family's.

house

myself

and have

comes

it

our

in

Johannesburg
flight

come to

in Hawaii,

rose

abandoned.
the

old

asked.

Your

studies

lifting,

inconvenience,"

"You wouldn't

Omero smiled

passing.

the

you as soon
the

at

she

Miss

found

tall.

memory of the

ancestors

beautiful

my bags

about

out

completed

"Well,

often

sorry

fill

delivered

chance?"

the

of

by mistake.

"I'm

looking

and

The rush

clouds

Auma when

feet

that

with

as

tired
call

six

my back.

myself:

a strikingly

and explained

Johannesburg

felt
to

to

for

trembling

with

close

Omoro,

you will

slender,

them

earth

stretch

and I smiled

imagined

the

celebration.

up to

away,

once

fleeing,

search

I stood

had drained

homecoming
demons

and

a fiance
had never

He would

told

me of

the

less

than

by the

happened

before;

in New York or Chicago.

8

her

States.

encouraged
--

his

For

I
by
fact
not
the

first

time

in

identity,

my

that

history

in other

life,
name

felt

might

people's

the

provide,

memories,

knowingly

'Oh,

you are

so and so's

one

ask

how to

spell

would

comfort,
how

it

so that

unfamiliar

tongue.

My name belonged,

a web of

relationships,

alliances

firmness

carried

with

they

son.'

my name

the

It

might

or

to

me that

mangle

it

and so I belonged,
and grudges,

that

it

nod and say

occured

here,

of

no

with

drawn
I did

an
into

not

yet

up and down behind

the

understand.
"Barack!"
security

guard,

I excused
and

I turned

a tall,

see

who wasn't

myself

laughed

to

and

again,

letting

went

as

over

silly

brown-skinned

Auma jumping
her
to

her,

as the

first

woman smiling

pass

into

and

the

baggage

we laughed

time

behind

we'd
Auma,

area.

and

met.

hugged

I noticed

and

Auma turned

apologetically.
"Oh,
Abongo.

I almost
Our

father's

"Welcome
I

told

turned

to

I asked
that

home,"
them

from Germany.
since
free

Kenyan
of

someone

guard
left

an old
The car

nationals

a hefty

said,

"Barack,

import

where
for

kissing
here

them to Miss

have

Auma drove

Abongo

that

security

must

Auma said.

this

is

our Auntie

sister."

introduce

the

she

forgot!"

the

me on both

had

Omero,

known

but

Man,

he shrugged

and
When

and said

day.

Bettle

that

she

was something

of a business

living

could

abroad
she

Old

she had vanished.

she had gone,

Volkswagen

tax,

the

cheeks.

had
9

figured

ship
that

had

shipped

venture
a car
she

back
could

over

for

her:

to Kenya
use

it

during
cost

the
of

year

that

shipping

engine

had

fallen

off

come

with

a tubercular

way to the

paint.

In
after

out
don't

fact,

Auma has

her

Auma,

had been,

to

road,

savannah

Cars

looked

bicycles
I

was

out

just

the

muffler

had

out

the

onto

wheel

with

this

car,

needs

a new coat

that

absolute

Abongo

11

I will

the

best

the

have

of
this

the

men still
their
across

and pedestrians,
stopped

at

an

the

heads

out

all

and

rickety
any
10

"I

how my
I had to

side

of

thorn-tree,

of the

traffic

shirts;

bright-colored

jitneys
warning

to

like

on their
the

women

scarves.

dodging
--

the

thickened,

countryside

flimsy

in

people

on either

round-abouts,

without

at me.

asking

the

the

their

wrapped

while

winking

occasional

pour

me now,

all."

same time,

plains

buttoning

lanes

said,

Gradually

to

cheat

that's

had made,

horizon.
began

it,

to

price."

wide

mostly,

trying

Abongo

they

across

is

about

to talk

plans

grass

talk

the

began

of people

told

It

aunt

about?"

give

the

against

meandered

the

about

promised

"Your

talk

I will

all

see.

straight-backed,

already

head.

The two of them

way to work,

steering

car.

we would

there

and crowds

knock;

anything

a beautiful

I promised

sentinel,

the

Unfortunately,

As we sputtered
the

for

leaves."

"What's

trip

it

laugh.

say

is

Auma shook

you,

sell

and push?"

"This

she

Barack.

to

then

profit.

airport.

Auma clutching

Barry,

answered.

tell

down

I get

"Eh,

car

a small

I started

"Should

and

perhaps

highway,

concentration,

be teaching,

and

on the

four-lane

she'd

called
cram

potholes,
matatus,
on

more

passengers.
down

It

the

morning

same

all

seemed

strangely

road

before.

And

in Indonesia,

talking

burning

wood

diesel,

the

morning

rush,

lingered

at

their

way into

a new day,

she

would

We went

to

where

leaned

finger

at

I asked

off

again

it

meaning.
West,

Omar.

say

they'
they

Then,

at

Auma paused,
they've

The Volkswagen
eucalyptus

at

Kenya

that

other

in the

front

stillness

that

as people

made

other

their

luck

than

making

would

Breweries,

change,

care

really

then

wagged

now,"

she

Barry

had

meant

once

car,
her
said.

back

here,"

hasn't

awhile.

seen

you in

once

the

against
...

the

said.

'You've

--

after

completing

once

writing.
rising

or to the

they

were

even

come

They don't
sun.

"Those

"

up an ascending
vines.

she

Maybe they

stop

on the

a more serious

city

family

a week.

squinting

11

has

to return

for

lost

it

moves to the

they

liana

we were

a common expression

some point,

been

of the

again."

send

struggled
and

cheek,

of

They promise

write

drab

out

But sometimes

11

a large,

stepping

me on the

a son or husband

our uncle

home to visit.

of

"It's

lost.'

At first

groves

Abongo

get

settled.

--

lost

'Don't
say

that

good

person

They

people

take

the

school.

come back."

kiss

means

Let's

like

to

Auma what

"Usually,

hope

as a secretary.

get

Auma smiled.

few expectations

Abongo

"You

highway.

the

been

out ...

he doesn't

lost.'

with

she worked

Auma.

of

a mild

hold

drop

over

"Make sure

been

center

and perhaps

least

complex

the

and

I had

remembered

and Lolo

still

or at

if

my mother

the

through,

of

then

as

with

seat,

it

smell

familiar,

Elegant

road
old

shaded
homes

by thick
receded

behind

the

hedges

exclusively

British,

government
rise

driveway,
university

out

a narrow,

space,

rooms,

her

face

"So what's

problem,
has
She

instead

of

on

the

mostly

end

served

top

of

building

trees

that

and high
through

of the

a gravel

lawn sloped

the

down from
forest,

and

a wide

wall,

family

that

bed,

tilted

upwards

Barack.

let

sunlight
There

studio

gully,

towards

but

was a collage
and

stitched

a large

small

wash through

portraits

Auma had

I noticed

printed

and began

that

floor,

everywhere.

one

dream,

first

doors

Auma's

suggested
to
fell

was dusk,

a troop

A huge

been

Polaroid

together

poster

an unfolding

of

of

for

a black

blossom,

the

below.
Auma?" I said,

setting

taking

groceries.

out

the

Too many dreams.

down my bags.
"That's

A woman with

my

dreams

problems."

University

it

on

your

Auma laughed

always

the

ran

once

At the

apartment

stream

french

"I Have A Dream"

biggest

now

at

of banana

of books

hanging

Above

words

had

staffs.

parked

faculty.

murky

with

a patchwork

woman,

which

two-story

was

and stacks

photographs

herself.

and

to its

apartment

comfortable

shots,

but

that

stones.

Auma's

the

right

homes

embassy

to meet patches

down,
with

said,

a yellow

rented

further
pitted

sharp
to

apartments

beds,

and foreign

next

flower
Auma

officials

we made

the

and

that

teach
into

the

her

class.

cot

she'd

and Auma was still

of black-faced

take

monkeys

nap

I
set

while

didn't

up by the

she

argue

went
with

window.

her,

the
but

When I awoke

gone.

From the

kitchen,

gathered

beneath

a banyan

12

to

I noticed
tree.

The

older

ones

brows

as

Rinsing
the

sat

warily

at

pups

scampered

my face

in the

door

that

led

tracks,

their

the

air

sounded

the

dreamy

turned

ascent

deep-throated

the

of

cries

began

as

administrators

as

it

and Uganda.

largely

intact,

Alongside
rise

offices

this
go:

in

front

Maasai

women pass

clean,

their

the

and

open-air

mosque,
wing-tipped

on the

with

where
shoes,

to repeat

Benz

dealership,

wrapped
bright

a group
to

construction

bath

in red

of

bank
their

13

or

of

before

or
place,

wherever

where

the

seem

Singapore

itself

at

high-

that

of a bigger

officers
feet

stucco.

lobbies

chukas,

the

remains

a city

their

and

between
period

in

market,

beads;

British

white-washed

seems

of

perhaps.

by

point

quality

way to

a series

hatched

with

away,

I watched

miles

emerges,

hotels

their

canopies.

of the

worn,

opened
in

and
out

railroad

city

then

distant

idea

elusive

that

bodies

ringed

wings,

counterparts

the

Mercedes

by

slender

elongated

their

Nairobi

roots.

A few feet

a half-way

their

winding

a few square

servicing

of

knotted

froze

sending

an

shops,

a contrast
of

just

with

tea,
all

up towards

another

from

contrast,

bird,

row

elegant

gives

green

The architecture

buildings,
and

It

huge

large;

after

indististinguishable
Atlanta.

of

new territory,

row

these

me in unison.

in

western

on for

towards

outpost,

their

long,

The monkeys

isn't

consolidation

the

water

drifted

colonial

watching

yard.

beat

interested

coast

I put

a long-necked

Downtown Nairobi
It

base,

through

sink,
the

with

tree's

about

into

eyes

the

you

a train
heads

their

joining

shaven

ear-lobes

entrance
carefully

of

to

an

remove
ditch-

diggers
the

and

city's

is then

subsistence
history

and what

Auma and
streets,

followed
maze

old

jewelry

the
the

set

I recognized

visited

us

in

headress.

rear

small

them

Hawaii:

an

The young

of

man who ~as

if

other's

news.

emerging
fabrics,

carvings

lion,

then
into

to

baskets,

set

out

for

me, when he had

a drummer

in

stall

up one

ninding

the

hundred

shillings."

of one of these
were

gift

what

these

building,

in front

if

collision.

some fruit,

hawked

as

wandering

on each

as ny father's
elephant,

as

ourselves

I stopped
wooden

layers;

morning
up

the

It's

in constant

next

merchants

curios.
of

fall

catching

where

and other

to

we bought

the

prayer.

in orderly

of the

sites,

marketplace,
to

afternoon

settle

most

stalls,

where

display.

held

tribal
of

figurines.
"For

only

you mister,

only

three

I did

a quick

calculation

small

things,

the

deciding

nake

they'd

But Auma frowned

"He's
price."

smiled

back
"I'm

Auna

gifts

shook

very

the

sorry,

her

the

for

Ten dollars.
I reached

Johnnie,

Darrell,

price,"

she

They

into

are

my wallet,

Cathy's

kids.

head.

wazungu

said

nischievously

two hundred
Inside

you

in my head.

Old Man had said.

nice

and

giving

man's

is

destined

in

open-air

stalls,

the

now are

a passage

of

brass

to

I spent

the

in

refuses
is

taking

Enterring

farmers

something

to

the

said.

man

in

"The
Swahili,

white
who

and made a mock bow.

sister,"

he said.

"For

a Kenyan,

woman was

stringing

the

price

only."
stall,

an

old

14

together

what

looked

like

a necklace.

She pointed

at

me and said

something

that

made Auma laugh.

"What'd

she

"She

says

that

you

"Tell

her

I'm

Luo,"

woman laughed,

the

old

woman

beside

like

a Luo,"

she

has

can

have

her,

beating

you should
carvings

and

"She

and

the

she

says

you have

meet,

and

Auma my name.

harder,

"but

her."

my chest.

asked

my hand.

to

if

The

called

for

you

don't

a kind

face.

she's

me to

look

much

She says

you buy her

necklace

answer

a soda,

making

you

for

five

shillings."

The deal
woman

straw

to

hide

watching

was struck,

finish

colored

seemed

entirely

how the
of

all

hang

the

entire

eyes,

the

old,

cruel

work.

for

nimble
roll

on a soil
things
those
together
time
round
faces

and we sat

hands
the

that

you

sounds

firm
used

and

of

of babies
kind

another

faces

work

and

been
and

and the
and
15

strips

for

barter,

could

and

chipped,

every

manner

world

you

the

it

would

machines.

worn

saw

recite

that

passing

old

rhythms,

where

believe

faces

moment,

the

could

or fax

off

to the

A world

terminals
black

long

of unchanging

made

the

woman wove

and listening

underfoot.
had

to watch

And

A world

computer

a procession
faces

of

made them,

without

us,

a man cut

and weave,

to me.

felt

who had

her,

stools

purse-straps.

cut

transparent
that

from

beside
some

over

on wooden

Across

baskets;

used

those
voice

her

into

be

woman's

lives

even

Auma explained,

three

an American

and

laugh

taking

a daughter

hundred

like

I said,

old

stand

lived

look

The
made

old

say?"

before
faces

in between.

And
your
of the

This

was it,

that

other

black

visit

to

of believing

that

your

could

see

about

the

the

Here

criminal

the

of

all
a lie

was

America,
But
her

feeling

of

dust.
leaders
Kimathi

secret

were

We turned
the

and his

dread-locked
oaths

suppose

to

plain

crazy,

were

to

about

unique

just
to

to

grow
You

or

read

and ponder
think

your

about

own fate.

you;

your

the

sway.

paper

having

were

could

watched;
suppose

something

first

you

it's

daily

without

to

fly

away with

wrapped

wasn't

this

you

life,

could

without

to

spirits

take

possible.
hands.

it

flagged

moment intact.
as

up as neatly

carvings;

on whenever
that

as

just

you

months,

feeling

of the

so

their

back

the

young
with

man

me to

...

The old

We left

the

woman finished

marketplace.

The

away.

streets

of

it

not

vision

betrayal.

Money changed

slipped

The

that

of ease

course

necklace.

moment

and

my small

and slip

page

said

I thought,

now wrapping

as

human heart,

or commiting

How tempting,
this

front

things

or

grows

himself

black,

those

from

transforming
me after

weeks

hair

or lunatic

was

to

way a rump is

to

the

criminal

world

discover

To have

the

on the

of

comes

your

a man talking

the

living

that

the

described

span

that

rump sways

corruption

whether

freedom

epiphany,

had

For

the

freedom

the

Americans

Africa.

experience

and

I thought,

busy

onto
Mau-Mau
crew

men with
among

that

now,

Kimathi

I'd

jostling

Street,

rebellion.

glowing
the

the

named
I

in a book

eyes,

living
population,

16

stirring

after

remembered

seen

native

crowds

one
a

somewhere:

in the

forest,
the

of

up
the

picture
a group

of
of

spreading

prototypes

of

guerrilla
an

image

that

independence
military

had been

had

as

any

of

as
attacks

white

that

settlers.

colonial
the

It

war.

the

antebellum

this

of

lay

first

had

packing

their

landholdings
controlled
most

the

stalwart

contrast
Former

pupil
chaos

Parliament.

tamed

for

lunch

same fear

on

against

fears

of

the

had evoked

in

of a coke-crazed

that

I'd

discovered

prison,

in

would

Africa,

a model

joined

the
the

became

civil

--

inaugurated

who were

long

as

Kenya

became

the

busy

socialism

that

black
the

stability,

service,

all

Kenya's

be nationalized,

of

failed

the

and executed;

whites

not

so

hatreds

captured
and

government.

of Uganda,

tribal

assured

intact,

pass-books,

man
West's

a useful
of Tanzania.

or ran

a name on a street-sign,

for

a seat

a street

tourists.

I watched

some of these

in the

everywhere,
hailing

of

Kimathi

the

image

fanned

immediately

kept

freedom-fighters

launched

all

the

spur

unsuccessful,

had

had been

businesses

be

largely

confescations,

had

from

appartus

to the

land

Kimathi

that

would

the

to

Nat Turner

now with

that

He had
bags

helping

fighters

that

I thought,

heart.

released

president.

with

embodied

streets;

past.

been

of costume,

and

of fear

British

in Kenya's

Kenyatta

for

that

detentions,

the

do

Mau-Mau

in my own grandmother's

propoganda

to

replaced

big-city

choice

sporadic,

same sort

But Mau-Mau,

in

the
the

South,

prowling

once

much

An image

west,

mugger

a clever

taxis,

outdoor

Germans,
fending

cafe

tourists
of the

Japanese,
off

street

British,

now as Auma and

New Stanley
Americans,

peddlers,
17

Hotel.
taking

I sat

down

They were
pictures,

many of them dressed

in

safari

suits,

innocent

Waikiki

at

their

sticking

on

a movie

set,

charicatures

reminded

me of

tourists

back

when we were

to

laughing

obvious

They

how,

down

legs

extras

abroad.

remembered
go

like

Beach

kids,
and

sun-burns

out

my friends

watch

and

of their

the

berrnuda

in

shorts,

and

basking

sometime

just

shirts

the

Hawaii;

and I would

tourists

Hawaiian

of

for

fun,

skinny

in the

white

glow

our

superiority.

Here
funny.

in Africa,
I felt

held

their

fantasies;

occured

me that

consiousness,

they

I could

parochialism,

the

presence

to

Aurna nor

though,

found
in

were

ever

of tourists

innocence

expressing

their

a sort

experience;

a bedrock

reserved

for

so

insulting.

utter

of

seem

on my own deeply

vaguely

clumsiness,

a confidence

didn't

as an encroachment

their

their

sight

lack

freedom

of self-

that

confidence
those

It

neither

in their

born

into

own

imperial

cultures.
Just
us,

then,

a father,

as

two of

to

set

both

the

an American
mother,

a young

African

waiters

down water
of them

waiters

have

from
failed

to

see

my glances,

but

resentful,
signs

though,

of ever

corning

brought
and

after

back.

sprang

the

other

by the

I watched

into
to

other.

us somehow,

be

and

to

away from

a pony-tail.

the

one ear

standing

relented

with

immediately

who remained

eyes

down a few tables

daughter

two waiters
avoiding

sat

and place-settings,

smiling

must

family

action,

offer

up menus,

Thinking

I began

that

to wave at

kitchen.

They

eventually

,an older

man with

over

menus.

His

two

several
Aurna's
18

face

more
began

minutes,
to

one

pinch

seemed

to

was

showed

with

the

sleepy

manner
he

the

no

anger,

and

again

he wrote

I waived
down our

received

their

overheard

there
go."

and walked

impassive

voice

should

"I

shouted.

out

onto

girl

no

settings.

blond

Auma stood

back

waiter,

who was watching

the

pony-tail,

up.

for

to

the

as

had already

place

with

any ketchup.

silence

Americans

heading

ashamed

like

for

exit,

then

suddenly
us with

an

"You ok?"

note

purse

I can't

African
we are
If

her

feed,

you

Auma snapped
note.

cannot

open

her

"You see!"

she

several
I

then

walked

minutes

finally

at

a rapid

we wandered

suggested

clip

without

we sit

down

on a

office.

her.
was stupid,
beside

go to

woman,"
prostitutes.
you don't

ha'V:e to

Here ... "

ground,

post

"That

down her

you

hundred-shilling

For

central

She nodded.

him,

in Swahili.

to the

I asked

to

be ashamed."

dogs.

until

the

Auma said

my own damn food ... "

street.

beside

yourself,"

bruskly

pay

direction,

"You know,

of

how many mouths

the

the

apparent

buildings.

had

young

a crumpled

can

She threw

thinking

still

the

in his

She started

care

"I

another

we

wasn't

own people

took

She set

point,

replied

don't

your

bench

At this

"You should

The waiter

purse,

who continued

and

be

trembling.

treat

waiter,

stare.

"You

out

orders.

daughter,

that

"Let's

our

food,

the

complain

turned

to

her

a club
she

throwing

away money like

and we watched

in any of these

said.

"The askaris

The same
work there,
19

in

any

and you are

the

traffic

hotels
will

that.
pass.

if
turn

of these
African,

I'm

with

us away,
big
they

office
will

11

stop

you until

German

you tell

friend,

then

they'll

say.

'How are

"That's

why Kenya,

things

thing

her

happened

matter

Some

not
had.

recreate

all

before

young

Delamare

Hotel

successful
served
rate,

leave
felt

outside
rule

had

a touch
the

has

hotel,

come,

of ~hites

man could

romance

gin

all.

at

This
20

in

of

fans

marvel

out

a fat

sigh

the

site

of

their

or

crime

and

through

Isaac

and

daring

of

the

Lord

after

He could

be

at the

exchange

of relief.
leprous

a ready
country.

rested

Detroit

smiling

coolies.

to

innocence

street

ceiling

administer
is

offered

or

walk

of

wildlife.

a mysterious

or guilt,

and let

always

Soweto

of Hemingway

fear

same

apartment,

lands

an age

still

by grim-faced

indigestion

he could

the

portraits

foreign

out

with

under

man without
tip,

in

lash

the

the

shame,

men in

a white

surrounded

after

young

whore

pay."

the

come for

races;

to

admire

of

darker

the

She was right,

without

started

sip

towards

had

how many

an unfortunate

bitterness.
seen

miss,'

that

I said,

sidewalk.

who can

Kenyan;

back

Kenya,

lives

imagine

a generous

her

I'd

angry

and

by a black

City,

the

It's

on the

for

onto

anyone

with

evening,

laughs.

hard

or Mexico

you're

matter

too

other

or

hunt,

of Africa

if

no

to

of the

home and
baroness,

GNP,

legs

because

In Kenya,

Dinesen's

its

its

backs

and

Del ta

revolution.

Auma spat

what

opens

when the

on the

Mekong

'Good

tourists

came

Kimathi

smiles.

rest

nothing

the

an age

all

But as we started

did

also

comfortably

the

Jakarta

of economics.

course:

But

are

she was being

I knew my words

business.

matter

It

in

your

you tonight?'"

no

Barack.

I told

he

they

you can buy here,

of Africa,

the

them

If
beggars

tonic.
We're

Black
only

visitors.
And the
it

mean

He's

anything

old

and

waiter?

to

raising

fantastic

to

same

people

land;

that

hotels

to

enough

the

still

the

robot

mouth,

white

to make ends

Jersey

or bus-driver

back

resignation.

If

you say

serve;

the

odd

jobs;

or

a part

objects

that

may

all

clings

grinding

the
maize

the
use

tries

required,
the

the

same
in

do his

he will

city

best

in New

meet,

with

mostly

with

the

interests

reply

that

is

the

lucky

murky

tide

of

to

machines,

make ends
but

the

goods

repairman

serving

it

the

out

man's

frustration,
he's

that

stay

spits

white

to

almost

money of the

computer

thing,

into

the

the

is

or

he will

or

seem

restaurants

use

'Uhuru!'

control

ambitious

him that

drift

still

myself.

of

What he sees

that

in Chicago

such

shouts

technology

and

to

Does

of
yes,

ones

that

hustles

and

drown.

that's

remembers

says

he's

come?

memories

He sees

the

what's

ones

of him still

mother

which

if

the

enthusiasm

is

many will

of him that
his

that

such

has

I think

the

same way the

to

rule

once,

before

built.

some other

unlucky

I wonder

in

the

of

if

eat

and

meet

spurts

serve

land

language

alternating

neocolonialism

the

and if

man's

trying

But

man has
head,

did

and naive.

cannot

from

will

flags.

distant

white

it

black

independence;

who controlled

his

the

new

him now;

above

learn

Maybe

remember

swirling
its

him?

of

he

that

Does he know that

white
every

he's

feeling

to the
hush

I wonder

stories

of Mau-Mau;

of a village

night,

under

a stone

man's
day

though.

are
21

pallet.

ways

are

not

of

not

the

if

same part

or the

sound

Something
my ways,

my making;

maybe

in
that
a

way

of
him
the
of

imagining
escape

his
the

grip

uncertain

in

staves
vent

world

off

each,

broken,
belly

and

to

A voice

the

says

white
no;

complex
thick

fall.

As we climbed
onto

three

clouds

the

broken

flights,

pavement

Auma pushed

A short,

stocky

woman with

me a tight

squeeze

fifteen

or

so people,

a parade.

The short

"You don't
"I ...

"

"I'm

your

father
Abongo,

all

died."

to

ways
feed

earth

to the

your

ground.

sprawling

The moon had

light

drizzle

a young
the

lie

you.

Kariako,

had

that

dropped
begun

man bounded

night.-

a cheerful,
around

the

smiling

woman looked

At

the

to
past

top

was slightly

of

ajar.

ruddy
waist.

face

came up to

Behind

and waving

her

like

were

a crowd

up at

me and

frowned.

me that

called

you

me, do you?"

Jane.

already

anger

come!"

It

She smiled.

you have

can

to

a door

of them

remember

Aunt

into

against

finally

game

his

you

lots.

and

and

You've

let

old

the

stairwell,

"Barry!

me and gave

at

by dirt

dark

to

the

at

burn

east

as we parked,
the

two worlds

come,
as

laughing

to

surrounded

behind

fast

sooner

drove

He can't

whichever

careful

have

a way as
man from

we

peril.

same condition.

changes

you will

evening,

apartment

us

find

his

playing

bottom,

in the

him yes,

at

balance,

without

must

only

And so he straddles

off

on those

you

stop

That

always

says

and

leaves

memories.

poverty

only

A voice

he

of those

the

itself

that

is

"Come.
met.

You must

This .. " she

22

meet
said,

when

everybody
leading

your
here.

me to

handsome,
sister,

older
Kazia.

Kasia
of

woman
She

took

Swahili.

in

is

green

mother

my hand

"She

to

Auma,

and said

says

her

patterned
and to

my name,

other

dress,

son has

"this

is

my

Roy Obama."

together

with

a few words

finally

come home,"

Jane

translated.
"My son,"
a hug.

Kasia

cousins,

nephews

curiosity,

but

of

the

around
and

time

chocolates

for

polite

stares

standing

the

and pulling

adults

the

wall

your

brother,"

over

to

went
faces.

"Fine,
laughter

the

I found

from

After

the

table

:::-ice.

As

~a.aii,

and

a~ =:::-ga~izer.

set

greeted
as

and

they

me into

a young

with

a watchful

Auma said

if

meeting

and
at

gathered

cheerful
a relative
a bag

around

me with

As I passed

sixteen

or

out

seventeen,

expression.
me.

we shook
a loss

aunts,

I had brought

man,

to

with

me with

who I was.

that

myself

hands

day occurance.

explained

boy

been.

I guess,"

shaking

Everyone

children,

I noticed

against

room,

was an every

him how he had

small

nodding

awkwardness,

"That's

other's
ask

little

as the

chocolates,

the

nieces.

very

first

the

in English,

"My son."
We continued

for

said

"Bernard."
hands,

for

words,

studying
but

each

managed

to

a round

of

me towards

He shrugged.

he answered

softly,

which

brought

everyone.
introductions
with

we ate,
I tried

were

bowls

of goat

people

asked

to

describe

They nodded

over,

Jane

curry,

fried

me about
my life

politely

but
23

pushed

in

the

fish,

everyone

Chicago

seemed

collards

a bit

and

back

in

and my work
puzzled,

as

so I

mentioned
"Ah,
from the
will

that

I'd

this

is

good,

curry.

make us all

study

hard

like

be studying
Barry,"

"Your

father

proud,

just

your

"Bernard

thinks

I turned

to

law at

Harvard

Jane

said

studied
like

in

as

she

at this

him.

the

fall.

sucked

school,

You see,

on a bone

Harvard.

Bernard,

You

you must

brother."
he's

going

to

be

football

star,

Abongo

11

said.

"No,"
"I

used

he said,

to

play,

"Well,
He

children

meal

munificence

the

President

elements;

the

--

head,

of the

from

one

Jane
moves
a long

doesn't
to

the

time.

"Like
some

slightly.
Magic

of

the

initial

President

denounces

foreign

journalist

encourages

the

President

towards

sure

other
live
right

or loses

Or they

leave

and
--

TV, which

President

play

and

nation

and

opens

to

showing

communist

follow

with

the

a school;

various

the

path

Auma to

see

both

of
the

jammed

mattresses.
I asked.

now, " Auma said.

"It

say

so

no to

a job

to

was

of two bedrooms,

old

here?"

like

excitement,

I went

consisted

with

white
the

progress.'

which

know how to
city

black

"I

Johnson."

the

the

attention.

I offered.

of

"How many people

"I 'm not

sometime,"

a large

to

Bernard?"

he had attracted

to

apartment,

end

that

smiling

he said.

'footsteps

rest

play

smothered

turned

the

nyayo

11

right,

all."

we can

his

now,

that

uncomfortable

maybe

basketball

"Is

that's

shook

The

Bernard.

ends

their

anybody,
up here.

children
24

al ways
any

relative

Sometimes
here.

changes.

they

who
stay

The Old Man and

my mum use

to

leave

Bernard

"Can

she

.afford

"Not

really.

here

a lot.

Jane

practically

raised

him."

doesn't
she

She had

complain,

looks

cleaning
the

the

She couldn't

the

living

kitchen,

dishes;

chocolate

from

to

the

the

I'd

Abongo

brought.
furniture,

of a tropical

beach,

ceramic

cherubs

sat

housing

absence

the
the

her

Abongo.

She

own children,

so

an old

children

were

now arguing

my eyes

wander

tha

had

chain

and
in

and TV, the

large

with

found

blue

myself

Chicago's

of mothers

hurts

room --

and the
I

in

about

calendar

--

visited

of gossip

the

photographs

doilies

women

over

two-year-old

fading

and nursing

down into
younger

on linen

same noise

I sank
the

to the

and

public

and daughters

perpetual

motion

and small;

the

promising

to

same

of men ..

and

pulled

ten,

every

your

Aunt

father's

very

badly."

saying
in

and lowered
Sarah,"
older

"Of course,"

far

we began
relative

us aside

your

:::.se

have

like

directed

same extended

and cleaning

Around

see

to

apartments

projects:

of cooking

each

that

the

and children,

the

I let

picture

of

room,

a few of

well-worn

reminded

as a secretary,

others."

we returned
In

a job

though.

after

sofa.

it?"

Jane
sister.

I said.

our

turn.
her

goodbyes,

As we walked
voice.

whispered.
The first

"Why wasn't

a,,.ay?"
25

to

"You need
She turned
born.

she

the
to

She wants

here

door,

take

to me.

tonight?

visit
Jane

Barry

to

"Sarah

is

to

see

you

Does

she

Jane
them.
you

looked

at Auma, and some unspoken

"Come on,
in the

is

Auma said

finally.

passed

"I'll

between

explain

in to

car."

The roads
"Jane

Barack,"

thought

were

right,

"You should

empty

and slick

Barack,"

go see

with

Auma told

Sarah.

drizzle

as we drove

me as we passed

But I won't

go with

the

back.

Univesity.

you."

"Why not?"
"It
the

people

that

Roy,

this

business

who has

with
Old

She's

Man had,

bitter.

you

She

blame

myself

for

had

her

a hard

much.

Maybe

land.

I try
spent

the

to

expected

so much from the

lives,
the

They've

know,

he's

doing

nothing.

are

A part

is

one of

telling

people

the

Old

Man's

of me sympathizes

had

the

It

chances

made

my mum, myself,

on

stay

lawyers

really

they

out

of

by

Old Man.

all

just

that

the

her

very

we are

to

smart,

Bernard
Barack,

He dropped

out

be worth?"
pension.

it.

A piece

Whatever

now.

But

is

you

So now,

wait

this
but
of
26

and
going
same

argue

he just
school,

sits
and

he had

of getting

on

among themselves,

to rescue
waiting

has

everyone

that

istead

of

there

see,

He made them think

Old Man somehow is

taught

estate

government

even when he had nothing.

that

us

abroad.

Old Man's

a small

been

thinking

been

She never
go

Sarah

situation."

"Not

their

of

know.

somehow

probably

grave.

none

study,

that

how much could

everything,

that

estate.
She's

life.

to

"But

worthless

with

--

will.

"I don't

see,

thinks

Old Man's

the

Auma sighed.

her.

the

disputed

Bernard,

children."

with

them

from his

attitude.
around
doesn't

You
all

day,

have

much

-----~-----=========;::::::;;;.==-=-=

prospect
into

for

some

doing

finding

sort

of

something,

gotten

work.
trade

you

done.

told

school,

know.

any applications

been

I've

whatever

He'll

say

or talked

Unless

take

him that

help

he wants,

ok,

to the

every

I would

but

when

just

so

he's

I ask

if

he's

school-masters,

step

with

him get

nothing's

him,

nothing

will

you're

here,

happen."
"Maybe

I can

"Yes.

Maybe you

coming

from

That's
you

her

The

on the

side

the

face.

wants

"You

Germany.

All

thought

sends

children

minutes,

parents

strangers.

to sink.

feel

I feel

a university.

took

only

missed

think

about

to an old

are

guilty,
I

because

can

get

when

is

grabbing

But

was

in

home.

everywhere,

is

their

asking

me

at me and that

I was luckier

a job.

softly.

or leaves

everyone

the

Auma' s

back

home,

just

from

she said

family

and

drops

across

getting

people's

all

hiding

fat

jutting

Kenya

and

here

car,

shadows

I'm

the

Barack,"

here,

I'm

see.

everything."

liquid

lonely

they

She thinks

light-bulb

webbed,

you

what

than

them.

can

I do,

one person."

Auma' s hand

listening

A single

Then
like

inheritance,

we parked

do was

could

going

I'm

as

I'm

Barack?

again

much

and I feel

to

one with

how

help,

went

the

believe

for

of

me so tired,

their

with

part

But now that

gets

how I never

nobody

him.

the

sent

thing

to

you so much.

roof.

building

wouldn't

see

started

metal

"The whole

to
you're

had

thumping

talk

you' re

because

rain

of

can

America,

why Sarah
from

help."

to the

and
rain

we remained
as it
27

in

slackened.

the

car

for

"You asked

several
me what

my dream

was,

I build

11

we can

plant

fruit

really
people.

stay

trees

It

She
then.

land

I think

I think,

her

gets

build

do we have
crazy.

this
to

to

living

organized.
wrong,

it's

family,

"It

care

way is
for
of

care

of the

terrible,

house,

We could
would

from the

to

get

us.

is

everyone?

just

won't

house

if

a leak

old

I
what

is

like

it.

it,

they

want,

depend

on me."

That's

why I keep

here?

fixed,
All

or
I can

Barack.

he
Why

upside

Bernard.

a German.

have

not

Old Man, because

Everything

I fix

thinking

gets

children,

just

I'm

I know.

the

the

like

broken,

it

I start

that

mad at

We are

If

what

selfish,

of myself,

can do with

and they

down,
Now I'm

Everything

If

something

send

money

goes
to

and I won't

is

the

depend

lonely."

I know,

still

After

It's

care

our ways

you

on to make sure

something

sounds

"Oh,
why I'm

take

my own fault.

on anybody,

Luo and learn

me tell

take

and they

children

and

A big

that

them."

my own life,

If

our

"Let

house

to

see.

head.

take

I had

you

families,

Auma."

this

dream

our

that,

mended?

this

land.

grandfather,

to

of who will

do when I think

airline

belong

I have

grandfather's

bring

our

who can I count

fence

didn't

and

and speak

do all

shook

"Sometimes

on our

like

would

"We can

finally.

house

all

know the

used

said

a beautiful

where

the

she

Barack.

coming

home.

That's

dreaming."

two

office

days,

downtown

still
told

hadn't
us to
28

recovered
call

the

my luggage.

airport,

but

The

whenever

we tried

the

we drive

to the

found

two

were

airport

young

interrupted
through

lines

always

busy.

ourselves.

At the

women deeply

their

engaged

conversation,

a stack

Auma finally

suggested

British

in

Airways

the

latest

and one of them

that

desk,

we

gossip.

thumbed

listlessly

of papers.

"We have

no record

"Please

check

of you here,"

again.

They

she

said.

were

sent

to

Johannesburg

by

mistake."
The woman shrugged.
at

midnight.

A flight
my bag

"I'm

but

sorry,

you
"Is

can

fill

Miss

"Omoro

is

you don't

to

receptionist
dancing

be delivered

another

come back
in

to

at

tonight

that

time."

me."

of

your

bag

can

we talk

here.

If

you

form."

She ...

"

if

before

sat
children.

"Let

me talk

"I'm

sorry,

you want
returning
muttering

Airways
that

"Who else

to

here,

since

know anything."

Auma was still

elevators

comes

no record

me aside.

"Go downtown

British

Johannesburg

I have

out

you can

on vacation."

seem

curtly,

you wish,

would

Omoro here?

Auma bumped

the

from

"I was told

like,

said

"If

to

talk

to

her

under

downtown

each

beneath

wall-sized

to
but

the

her

that

manager,"

Mr. Maduri

breath
in

floor

She repeated

someone

29

the

woman

in

when we stepped

a high-rise
in

building

Victorian
of

we should

check

trying

a meeting."

into
with

tones.

photographs

I said,
is

else,"

conversation.

office,

announced

to

lion

not

the
to

cubs
airport.
shout.

A
and

"Look,
to

miss,

come here.

we have

Two days

Now I'm

told

stopped

in mid-sentence.

stony

that

mask,

a place

Auma must

go

of

her,

not

knowing

chairs,
Auma's
blue

man,

what

and

uncle!

He asked

they

neither

seen

the

together
what

would

are

had withdrawn

same thing,
we slumped

to do next.
to

a wiry,

What are

you doing

nor

bluster

the

air

for
into

Just

attached

be delivered.

missing.

my pleading

then,

I . "

behind

could

seemed

pair

of

a hand

mustached

us

to

lounge

appeared

on

man dressed

in

us

here?"

to us in a sequence

if

we were

planning

Auma introduced

me to

that

quite

I couldn't

a trip,

and Auma told

him

had happened.
"Listen,

friend

don't

of mine.
11

our

conversation

nose

and

with

immediately
Who is

this?

luggage.
What?

Obama.

I have

"Maduri,

receptionist,

to

he is

have

a good

lunch

who had been

with

watching

interest.

to

here,"
be

After

up the

Listen,
Yes,

out

said.

now I am about

you are

voice.

picked

uncle

just

great

turned

raspy

our

to the

knows

Maduri
a

fact,

crossly

"He already
Mr.

worry,"
In

He turned

him.

rang.

where

who was related

follow.

now.

knows

my bags

They told

blazer.
"Eh,

the

even

airport.

The receptionist

have

shoulder,

come from the

ago I was told

no one

reach.
out

just

she

said

a heavy-set
we had

phone.

"Hello?

been

Yes,

look

now, please."

"Yes ... ok,

send

them to ... "

30

expecting

who is
them

a bulbous

our

Yes, this

A few minutes
He relayed

a smile.

man with

repeated

Mr. Obama here

He has

with

story,
is

Maduri.

looking
for
later

he

for

his

some

tine

the

phone

Auma' s address,

then

hung

up the

Auma's

phone

office
"Call
We

and

that

you have

thanked

them

ourselves,

worried

Downstairs,

I stopped

his

where

his

assistant,

the

same

whether

forget

He came
spoke

before
His

everyone

here

proper

about

left

them

apartment

the

they
his

beside

the

or his

the

or

had

I said

edge

head

no

of Kenyatta

carved

said.

moment.
hanging

and cunning;

staff

"The

of a Gikuyu

or

you don't

he
his

charge.

Big Man.

or his

a visa,

because

in

any

confidence

Old Man never

him

at

excused

tribe.

It

a job.

understood,

charts

so

is

Who are

know somebody,

was

Then

you

you see.
educated

and graphs,

He forgot

and
that

what

holds

here."
quietly.

to the

and the

store

If

that

put

change

friend,

a phone,

Old Man after

by then,

the

to

me.

she

and understood

back

on the

go to

shaken

clutched

thinking

somehow

As we walked

that

hand

what

"He was lost,"

to

with

stood

immediately

photograph

starts,"

English

and

dazzled

want

together

me,

be delivered

he said.

might

a large

family,

That's

would

everything

luck

Who do you know?

back

would

problems,"

eyes

all

you

it.

his

it

or his

relatives?

can

bags

profusely

our

Auma came and

"That's

your

both

bejewelled

chieftain.

the

any more

that

window.

powerful,

us that

afternoon.

me if

in an office

told

car,

I recalled

his

fall

from

two of them were

of town.

and

fetch

money

to

One evening,
him

buy

a story
grace.
living
the

Auma had told

Roy had

alone

impatiently.
31

but

in a small

Old Man told

some cigarettes.
cigarettes,

already

Auma told
the

Old

Auma
him

Man had

"Don't
that

you

be

are

silly,"

Dr.

Auma went
but

the

she

called

to the

her

lean,

and

black

legs

moving

shoes.

asking

of

the

and

bare

her

chest

for

in
like

him

covered

me to

understand.

taking

pay

the

got

store-keeper
him later."

Old Man had said,

Afraid

to go home,

once

helped

home,

the

the
here

pack.

"I told

knows

Auma and

I walk

who run

through

past

in

loud

laughter

of

creamed

tea

the

and shouts
gravel

the

he doesn't

32

and

eat

cigarette

us,

the

and
of

samosas

in

smoke

into

a wheelbarrow,

anything

their

pair

a pay-phone;

dust.

the

shorts

into

same grey
say

you that

Obama."

blue

him in

a job,

so long.

between

the

get

Old Man took

piston-rods

sweet,

in

the

away.

schoolboys

who loads

although

her

as

the

one ear

I think,

I will

opening

I smell

day-labor

that
what

Everyone

who sip

who covers

tell

When she

I hear

students

"Just

Old Man had

presence
him

businessman

here,

the

to her,

my father's

tea-house.

face

and sent

scolded

a dimly-lit

sweat

laughed
that

I see

and

and repeated

no problems.

street.

university

daughter

he said

have

feel

oversized

her.

a few shillings.

"You see,"
you woulq

told

store

on a cousin

cigarettes

busy

Obama's

store-keeper

who lent
the

he

of

the

in the
his

The Old Man's

to me.

He's

here,

Chapter

Bernard
blue

rang

shorts,

canvass

orange

basketball,

"Ready?"

he asked.
Give

He followed
where

head.

"Your

with

I'm

the

ball

see

of

In his

hands

was

over

with

to the

book

Barry,"

on

always

desk

Kenyan

he said,

you,

He
exercises
road.

air.

been

"Me, I'm

Like

shaking
spending

how you do running

down to

at

me

told."

not

so interested

in

Rambo."
standing

doubtfully.

up and
the

opening

the

courts."

"The

courts

are

far.

car?"
it

to

stretching.

warming

in the

"I've

I said,

looked

"Auma took

main

bored

my sneakers.

"OK, Rambo,"

Bernard

for

up

again,

get

a pair

on my shoes."
and stepped

been reading

and

an offering.

picking

a man of action.

"Let's

started

working,

tie

the

I smiled.

Where's

to put

apartment

woman will

down to

He tossed

door.

the

small,

of hemp.

like

He wore faded

books."

I sat

books.

out

sharp.

too

two strings

me a second

"You've

o'clock

sizes

held

been

independence.

time

with

me into

had

at ten

several

laced

"Almost.

his

doorbell

a T-shirt

sneakers

a bald

the

before
It

I went

"Anyway,

up those

followed

work."

young
me

she

legs

told

was a perfect

through

up the
day,

me it's

onto

the
just

veranda
a mile.

and
Good

of yours."

half-heartedly

we started

out

the

gravelled
sun cut

few

stretching

drive-way
with

a steady

onto

the

breeze,

the

road

basket

empty

of

mile,

kindling

Bernard

his

except

high,
"I'm

on

it

grading

the

himself

clutch

than

for

The courts

took

were

turns

shooting,

quick

and

easy
guide

which

it

was the

he

claimed

a quarter
forming

air.

his

amused

boredom

or

the

his

on

"I

think

of

acres

the

the

ways

skin,

best

resistance

our

few days,

taking

Auma was busy

the

next

with

none

I would

day,

way through
to

by every
of

the

have

meat.

I stopped
passed

filled
thought

roasted

have

that

yet

and

Museum;

the

field,
weeds.

not

while

whenever

but

with

last

city

Nairobi

he must

athletic

body

as we made

that

by my odd

above

these

patient

a sign

a couple

cracked

sold

protectively

up

under

companion

infinitely

or read

taut

me through

One day

my hand

of

campus

as we took

a building

gestures

distance,

of sweat

gulping

asphalt

streets,

life,

said,

the

less

beads

pebbled

to

stand

crowded

Nairobi

a generous,

road-side

he

in

After

their

muscles

exams.

would

of

rise,

what

Barry,"

of town.

Bernard

upon

tracks,

off

walk."

slight

about

in his

up,

center

but

dead

warmed

the

out,

woman
head.

forehead.

University

watched

lone

of her

smooth

The

on top

stopped

now we should

near

for

He
the

look

at

day of

elaborate

shown

at

his

age.
That
than
an

his
age

character,
time

for

sweetness,
seventeen

where

the
years.

a little

wouldn't
me partly

lack

be

of guile,

made him seem much younger

But he was seventeen,

I reminded

myself,

more

independence,

a sharper

edge

to

such

a bad

I realized

that

he had

do.

He was

because

he had

thing.
nothing

better

to

his

patient

because

he had

I needed

to

promised

Auma I would.

his

talk

ambitions
"You

and

the

ball

more

again

and

to

has

Bernard
went

asked

through

like

go.
I'd

stoke

up

the

me now,
netless

him.

a car

statements

the

there,"

have

than

in

America.

And a

questions.

ball

clanged

he said.

your

noisily

off

"Maybe I will

the

rim.

"I

come to America.

business."

a business

right

now -- but

maybe after

I finish

. "
must
for

be easy

States.

He held

the

had played

picture.

at

each

two pictures

work."

Actually,

ball.

people

"Not
other,

and

States.

nickle-hits

in

calling
collided,

of boys
them

in

leaving

lots

of

have

picture

the

a tough

as here."

I tried

to

The sound
the

playing
for

people

especially."

as bad

in the

The laughter
mother

find

Black

on back

peddling

to

everybody.

in the

We looked

their

to

to

Not everybody."

you with

school

guy

now,

something

play?"

out

They were
people.

"Not

back

"Everybody

"I don't

time

myself

talk,

The ball

nodded.

is better

"It

he wanted

on TV."

He shot

law

that

I told

Johnson

I passed

"Most

help

Magic

a shot.

telephone."

I can

seen
for

Bernard

it

that,

A man-to-man

himself

"Just

think

him about

place

have

gathering
rim,

to

no particular

lunch.

stairwell

of gun-shots
--

that

in their

suburban

That

was true

me tongue-tied.

Satisfied

courts

nearby;
was

one

backyard,
too.
with

The
my

silence,

Bernard

When the
parlor

returned
sun

became

a few blocks
for

a ginger

out

ice

cream

then

lit

of courses

know.

"Maybe

Not really.

He stopped

"Seventeen,"

you?

are

get

take

his

into

are

I watched

him eat,

about

trade

school."

spoon

in?"

in his
he

11

sundae

said.

and thought

11

I think

auto

means

Could
it

is,

you

you're

and

I blew- my smoke

at

the

I asked.

"You know what

almost

family.

something

mechanics.

Could

gonna

to

help

live

life

you.

You've

man.

have

you with
got

to

that

that

It

seems

interested

be something

set

some

school
want

goals
fees,

it

means,

Somebody

To yourself.

on

I can

for

bite,

my head.

decided

be auto

fees."

Bernard?"

you're

To your
time

pay

cautiously.

I nodded
It

a program?"

you now,

Auma and

understand."

measuring

in my chair.

mechanics,

through.
your

a sundae;

methodically,

you interested

another

he said

responsibilities.

whatever

ice-cream

non-committal.

You must

"Seventeen."

Bernard.

back

the

ordered

a time.

thinking

auto

to

to

"How old

it's

food

to

good."

"No.

like

his
at

He dipped

11

you tried

don't

Bernard

expression

"Have

ceiling.

university.

your

"What kind

is

we walked

and leaned

his

mechanics

strong,

half-a-teaspoon

me that

a moment.

dribbling.

He ate

He nodded,

"I don't
for

ale.

a cigarette

"Auma tells

too

from the

I asked
the

to his

for

to

me

you,

else.
and
but

with

But
follow

we can't

yourself,

you

"I understand."
him

twirl

his

embarrassed,
brother
of

spoon

sat

in

now-liquid

imagining

of mine,

our

We both

whose

father's

the

my words

only

was being

cloven

fault

world.

Only he must

that

same rules

applied

our

shoes
that

relationship
once

seem even

--

less

out
the

shoulder.

waving

What is
offspring:
unit,

of

learned
that

to
shifted

this,

it

pretend

my basketball

and yet

anything

for

--

out

such
draw
as

or

else

him --

a social

a store
the

various

the

must

arm over

chain,

shared

he

my

said,

parents

construct,

an
of

and

economic

labor?

memories,

Or

say?

An

void ...

possibilities.

answer,

aware

an

effort

was

a series

of

circles

passed

his

As we

crowd.

divisions

of

going.

around,"

a genetic

and

across

time

brother

into

simply

we get

up and draped

a big

child-rearing

a definite

circumstances,

it

me?

A reach
list

look

have

Is

entirely

love.

at

for,

my ambitions

and vanishing

like

for

else

arrive

to

a family?

I could
to

good

people

something

side

was a few tokens

maybe

and suggested

Bernard

goodbye

optimal

ambit

my cigarette

street,

"It's

before

scoldings,

to this

...

I stamped
into

advice,

felt

wrong

me for

he wanted

to ask

suddenly

why I should

cassettes,

So little

watching

on the

resent

All

Bob Marley

I was gone.

I offered

stepped

--

born

be wondering

to him.

awhile,

must be sounding

He didn't

Not yet.

of

for

mess.

how hollow

seemed.
the

in silence

and

But I'd
early

bound

to

around
faces

on

never

that,

fail.
myself,
changed,

tried

given

Instead,
with
but

my
I'd

borders
which

nevertheless
where

offered

love

circle,

was

groceries
to

back

a nation
were

Africa,

collapsed.

For
on the

streets

fretting

over

Obama's

that

I needed

my aunts
Nairobi
took,

to
to

find

the

of

the

lost

she

best

is

chosen.

And

cheerful
who

last

grey-

rang

up

circle

moral

my

widened

course,

or a name,

and

but

were

mine

almost

immediately

in the

stores,

at

of them

fussing

parks,
son.

all
If

I mentioned

cream,

take

me to

bargains,

I could
some

no matter

inconvenienced

Barry ... what

a second

myself.

or shaving

that

or how much it
"Ah,

in

the

a face

was everywhere:

long

insist

to

astronomy

and

the

a particular

tied

made to

a notebook

freely

tooth

finally
or

no longer

family

office,

until

circle,

Then

commitments

front

a race,

this

An inner

acquaintances;

--

I'd

control.

unquestioned.

gold-tooth

or

commitments

In

love,

in Chicago

commitments

actually

the

of

claims

colleagues;

with

embrace

the

for

lady

and

of negotiated

a circle

haired

illusion

constant

a realm

then

the

in

count

far

the

post
and

passing
on one of

off

corner

how long

the

of
trip

her.

more important

than

helping

my brother's

son?"
If
left

a cousin

me to

fend

apartment,

on the

"Ah,
to meet
And
ourselves

Barry,

discovered,
for

much to

myself,
off

he might

chance

why didn't

that

his
walk

distress,
the

two miles

I was there

you call

on me?

that

Auma had
to

and needed
Corne, I will

Aurna's

company.
take

you

some of my friends."
in
to

the
the

evenings,
endless

well,
of

Auma and

invitations

that

simply
came

surrendered
our

way,

from

uncles,

nephews,

removed,

all

first

cousins

of whom demanded,

down and wait

for

you

are

Barry,

here,

the

to

growing

for

but

people's
As
tension

the

days

and doubt.

about

that

good

fortune,
Not

markets.

staying,

--

steady

time;

always

told,

it

so long

as

to

its

gratitude.

--

It

contrast

to

I understood

of what
as

not

we sacrificed

in the

kampongs

or Greece

pleasure

too

that's
with

my joy

Kazia
short,

perform,

::::~-1erone' s head.

what

--

of

other

tempered

with

of my relative

such

suffering,

food

selling

children

Kendu

good

fortune

exactly.

made due

another
in

Auma had talked

awareness

the

where

an uncle
to

became

questions
were

jobs;

got

chores

time

a child

of Ireland

an acute

relatives

I was
were

car

our

for

we sit

eat!"

an easy

had to do with

that

cash

but

like

insistent

though,

troublesome

If

once

of human warmth.

the

had

to

here

villages

the

on,

the

--

a contrast

which

and

and Abongo

upcountry

there

in

Kenya

a measure

country

Some of it

night

implied.

the

wore

life,

but

joy

what

attention

terms;

intact:
the

no matter

and Africans,

and mobility,

company,

that

unquestioning

of American

cousins

insult,

something

this

of Africa

essentially

of

much in

simple,

or in the

risk

or

eaten.

have
all

in cultural,

Jakarta,

remained

of

my idea

television

outside

Jane

full

isolation

in racial,

to

cousins

us a meal,

have

always

I reacted

bosom,

conformed

the

already

we may not

At first,
mother's

we had

you will

second

at

them to prepare

was or how many meals

"Ah,

or

cloth

could

brother,
Bay,

on the

Both

be
Abo,

a place

table

in
sent
was

where

and a roof

still,

the

situation

only

a few steps

ahead

hand,

a doctor's

visit

Almost
the

all

two

or

graduate
fell

the

three

if

their

in

the

now;

and

certain

survivor's

a j ob.

new bed-sheets.

lack

of

me,

it,

the

buy.

Here

a corporate

poised

on the

a magical

spigot,

including

Jane

to

or Abongo
them

family,

ever

off,

there

next

of kin;

such

in

participatory

the

to

down like

of
a

hopelessly
find

couldn't
money:

undeniable

buy
my own

peace

as my new relatives

an American
rain

about

but

--

help

democr~cy

crude

they?

organizing,
seemed

thinking

myself

perhaps,

politics,

empowerment-wouldn't

of

imagine

were

feelings

strategies

black

it,

similar
into

to

ready

But what

it

imagined

businessman,

my hand

manna the

bounties

of

world.

Even

in America,

born

to

it,

some of

Auma,

--

myself

lawyer

But of course

see

to

emergency.

competition,

laid

was only

I found
pursuit

I began

stiff

of

translate

guilt

A faith

Jane

could

could

A commitment

Bernard

second-

hardship.

self-denial.

abstract.

There

mostly

unemployed,

If

closed

tougher,

direst

I had responsibilities.

States,

obligation,

were

against

ever

were
the

universities.

net.

by similar

only

members

managed,

companies

and getting

Clothes

for

younger

safety

I was family

was tough

want.

reserved

one of Kenya's

burdened

Back

real

who had

was no government
people

of

family's

from

ill,

in Nairobi

who,

I wasn't
wealth

career
those
in

her

a corporate

involved

choices,

fashion,

in

of
the

was

money wasn't

.for

trade-offs

a new set

contradictions
own

lawyer;

those

who weren't

contradictions.
family's

doing

her

I could

attitude
best

manna.

towards
to

fulfill

expectations.

She

German

to

classes

University.

Nairobi,
from

to

the

begging

off

the

dinner

that

from

--

to
for

unspoken

hurt,

across

the

airs.

things

four
barely

not

only

to

fix

of

land

around

she said,

a base

buy a bit

Her

among

felt

tear

to ever

somehow.

child

into

meant

saying

no to

way.

And when this

home before

two

hours

into

her

the

she

Jane

late,

or

big

for

seats

--

began

to

the

her

independence,
--

all

of

flash

putting

on

their

own

Germany,

of it

was

looks

pass

would

she

it

would

family

they

future

when

the

them,
to

(been
us,

served

VW because

was judging

they

a
meant

be married,

the

negotiate
also

came her

a "been-to"
to

to

--

schedules

budgets

up

themselves,

become

to project

required

deadlines

from resentnent,

that

Auma's

budgets,

her

her

pile

restlessness,

I had heard

that

distinguishable

headstrong

a black

she wanted

were

started

would

They

she's

that

the

on going

people

and

university),

unnatural,

at

in value,

money that

had

eight

room.

willingness

job

schedules,

business;

insisted

she

Now that

other.

teaching

her

appreciate

was

when

And so,

too

summer,

with

also

learned

for

judgments.

She's

but

problem

family

let

designed

she'd

requests

because

refused

along

saved,

she had plans,

The

constant

happened

would

that

build.

things
world.

jobs

businessmen

money she

that

words

modern

two

up in Alego,

something

In other
all

the

house

which

working

Kenyan

With

up Granny's

was

been

would

whisper
her
struck

to

say.

to each
constant
them

as

Un-African.

such

judgments

living

before,

in Altgeld

I realized.
could

expect

The judgments
from his

or her

peers

if

pass

he enjoyed

on the

ladder.

black
And

unsettling

what

my

we --

went

with

and

blessings,

other
out

even

here,

aunt,

Sarah.

her

the
of

and

travel

Saturday

We stayed
block

apartments

fumes

that

she
the

me have

the

corrugated

once

that

buried

most

maddening
tell

me

could

be

It

making

have

code

week,

me not

of
the

it

was as
up as we

measured

would

the

unlock

with

the

took

me to visit

our

ancestors,

on the

highway

and pitted,

a look.

that

the

roof-tops

we catch

go,

but

a ride

way by foot.
of

what

to

us

quite

dusty

lots,
trees.

a shanty-town

10

turned

to take
to the
agreed,

east,

none

drove

the

garage

Abongo

some time,

and Auma pulled

shimmering

it

our

and
of

us

expect.

for

few remaining

Below,

to

so when she decided

three

knowing

Abongo

unwilling

nearby,

rest

valley,

let

the

demands

all

might

ago,

suggested

a wide

of

long

lived

the

rim

found

no one could

those

were

the

Auma remained

choked

the

love,

end of my first

morning,

much,

--

map which
our

corporate

of human association.

myself

lost

mechanic

repairs,

then

Bernard,

how

myself

earth.

the

talking

that

been

VW in for

that

sense

force

Towards

that

Africa,

the

if

a silent

which

in

idea

up the

sense

here,

or

I had heard

climb

even

some larger

had

to

that

demanded,

As

eager

that

Auma, Roy,

direction

was

that

sense

sway;

along.

beneath

it

blood-ties

reconciled
if

the

held

The judgments

man or woman to

perhaps

--

patterns

reading.

under

the

air

passing

thick

with

Eventually
off

to

stretched
the

sun

cinderexhaust

we came to

the
out
like

shoulder
for

miles,

wet

lilly-

to

pads,

buckling

valley

floor.

and

I asked

"What would

was last

--

it

her

Mathare

country-side
For

the

people
they

head.

"Nobody

knows

growing
for

hazard

We came

to

work,

homes,

came out

stop
to

in

Promising

to

began

walk

and

pieces
the

our

was already

rows

hot,

of small

there.
to our. aunt.

earth

in

shoe

had.

up the

down a wide,

trades;

women and children

Abongo
about

began
her

bereft
walls

But
the

said

Bulldozers

of

course,

the

bulldozers

entertaining
childhood

tin

engine

left,

shed.
with

the

take

at

and

help
least

left

of shade.

On either

a patchwork

of wattle,

They were

neat,

swept.

Auma

were

me an

mud,
though,

working

endless

children,

side

Everywhere,

from wobbly

and her

The

road.

makers

vegetables

11

They

image.

unpaved

furniture

sold

down.

Abongo

home cleanly

and

permanently.

work would

front

repairs

all

slanting

by noon,

of each

staying

before."

be

their

as

plywood.

and

stories,

they

and scavenged

tailors

As we walked,

Kenya's

of

road

come in from the

it

Auma the

the

one million."

People

tear

opened

back

week,

Abongo' s right,

up

and told

hovels,

of cardboard

packed

hu:::orous

in

the

sure.

to

like

us,

for

As soon

front

greet

an

hour.

go.
just

apprentices,

were

across

turning

end

to

little

to

of several

It

lived

"This

time.

then

tried

what

else

the

... an affront

lost

their

all

Council

nowhere

rebuilt

there,

sequence

Auma asked,

said.

is

people

had

mechanic

Abongo?"

Abongo

City

was a health
and

unbroken

week,"

looking

awhile,

came,

an

maybe?"

Auma shook
though

in

Auma how many people

you say,

"Half-a-million,
"That

dipping

their

wood tables.
string
but

of

mostly

about

the

Old Man.

"I'm

telling

was

telling

his

friends,

at

his

chasing

office,

years

women,

writing

had

to

still

him

his

job

known

Minister

says

And your

father

with

ordered

got

Minister
father

'I

for

his

a drink

how your

Kibaki

learned

a...-ay he offered

'Eh,
just

he would

be

why the

after

all

with

those

Kenyatta,

sat

They

to
--

father
that
your

laugh
saying

I did
to

the

having

by his

table.

Kibaki.

there

for

times.

Then,

check.

'Eh,

you know that

I only

herself,

I could

pay

pleased
to

the

always

full

of mischief.

Barack

had not

been

working

father

a post

at the

finance

father
an

when Kibaki
the

And your
invited

you

bill.'

"

the

Finance

memory.
Minister?

Anyway,

for

have

almost

the

with

thing

the

been?'

Obama!'

drinks?'

say

you

your

these

not

so

Come -and

such

was,

Hotel,

have

down,

buying

you how he

children,

where

stayed

old

him

'Kibaki,

were

here,

Minister

told

passed

Obama,

you were

me.

I ever

New Stanley

they

been

handed

said,

with

imagine

when

everyone.

I thought

began

with

That's

problems

Kibaki,

and remembering

and

That's

the

Barack
1

morning,

Even

"Have

from

have

So

and

leave,

drinking

plans.

see.

after

Minister,

father,

me.'

laughed

you

your

stories

Abongo
"Can

you

satisfaction.

other

says

said.

have

back,

a job,

Finance

to

telling
up to

next

economic

night,

she

he was so brilliant."

each

drinks

hour,

the

One day he was in the

They

drink

and then,

back?
the

he was a brain!"

all

with

when

--

out

nodded

a drink,
had

father

stay

Kenya's

take

knew that

Abongo

your

"He could

when he was without

they

to

Barry,

me now .

government

got

you,

so long,

ministry.

when
right
And in

no time,
proper

your

father

was again

working

for

the

government,

in his

place."
Again

Abongo

glistening

under

that

was

she

grandparents
details

might

to

you loved

of

unfinished,

the

emerged

the

knocked,

with

took

my hand
"She

says

a miserable

to

fit

their

They

stories

an

shown
a bed,

into

hallway.

clothes

even

to

the

of

tall

curiously
to

the
We

stairs,

and

other

end we

on a small,

scuffed

in a wide,

where

bombardment.

dry

a low,

road

yet

At the

to

cement

door.

short

When we

but

raw-boned

sturdily
face.

She

in Luo.
to have

her

Abongo

translated.

a small

room,

a dresser,

that

relatively

flight

set

place,"

the

meaning.

exposed

aerial

narrow

unlit

ashamed

--

that

and

cement

glassy

is

me
and

stories

a paved
were

woman appeared,

she

fact.

tall,

rough

something

mother

deeper

of Mathare,

middle-aged

and said

to

details

of thoughts:

through

eyes

face,

strangers.

and

out

my

Not in their

simply

her

occured

that

and not

us wordlessly

hard,

We were
enough

led

a dark,

built,

such

hanging

at

suddenly

in

twelve

a long

looked

rather,

climbed

of

girl

It

stood.

been

stories

edge

beams

them,

end

and she

sun.

loneliest

building
maybe

of

saw a teenage
patio,

away that

they'd

one
at

but

on hope,

wood

like

enterred

--

concrete
eight,

time

same

we came to the

structures,

elements,

the

somehow remained

Eventually
a series

this

me as a child.

based

beat

of
the

different

stories

and

heat

had told

help

people

the
telling

were

They were

laughed,

brother's

ten

two chairs

feet

son see

by twelve,

and a sewing

her

in

large
machine.

Abongo

and I took

who had

shown

sat

on the

that

she

wasn't

happy.
"She

wants

forward

of

to

chairs,

room returned

and leaned

benefit

to

but

she

Abongo's

"She

Hussein

says

study
spoke

my face.
mostly

is

and that

woman
Sarah

Auma had

so long
the

said

in Luo now.
I guessed

taken

she

young

two warm sodas.

translation,

that

Onyango,

and the

with

know why you have

explained.

grandfather,

to

eldest

you should

Even

that

visit

her,"

child
have

she

of

your

come to

see

first."
"Tell

not

one of the

knew some English,

the

her

took

us Sarah's

bed

without

Abongo

each

sure

her
what

arrival

--

her

she

it

Sarah's
with

I meant

understood.

was hard
tone

be telling

"Tell

my aunt
that

the

Sarah
voice
Abongo

snorted

so busy

Sarah

but

since

my

says

that-the

people

you stay

coming
the
the

nothing

the

Old Man's

against
estate

her.
has

Tell

just

made

here."

translation,
close

said

and started

walls.

When she

up again,
finally

her

stopped,

quiet.
she

say,

eyes

"She

says

trial

doing

--

the
Auma's
are

"She

heard

about

after

Abongo's

Obama's

been

at

lies."
I've

against

remained
"What'd

sharp.

about

rumbling

Everything's

dispute

Auma uncomfortable

looking

come sooner."

you
that

I said,

11

to

became

must

that

no disrespect,"

not

Abongo?"

stayed

mum.

is

on Sarah

not

her

fault.

She

says

that

Obamas.

She

says

as

she
She

the
they

answered
says

that

children
have

my question.

taken

it's

Kazia's

who claim

to

everything

be
of

his,

and

left

Sarah
she

mother.

he

is

Akumu,

be helping

each

other

stood

up.

of hers,
"Will

her

counted

out

clutching

my hand

again.

"Stay

limp
visibly
knew,
have

here,

come back

Outside,

a hazy

against

my body

that

didn't

embarrassed

into

her.

life

--

began

you should

to

her

Sarah

Sarah
later,

argue

with

shoulders

and

took

my hand

in

perhaps

windless

dry,

Abongo

bathed

money.

And then,

that

the

heat.

woman,

Auma for

of her

this

as I
worth

hands,

blouse,

and

before

meet .. "

said.
road;

Abongo
aunt,

The scene
thirty

aunts

dollars

chapped

"You must

Barry,"

in

of both

thirty

front

said.

light

grandmother?"
eyes

Sarah's

yellow
the

your
the

money down the

She was a proud

ask

call

raised

but

For

on me --

them

Barry,"

"You can

upset.

you

11

and felt

I had

the

one

Look how I live.

Sarah

my chair,

my wallet,

slipped

this

softening.

I pressed

quickly

of

his

others?"

Abongo

me something?

money

of shillings.
she

voice

for
the

out

your

also

sister.

and

Barry.

after
is

father

of these

go now,

looks

Barry,"

Akumu,
not

your

Abongo

"Yes,

me who

My mother,

Eventually,

you give

I reached

is

brother's

answer,

rise

smolder.

grandmother,

instead

"We should

beggars."

to

It

boy.

true

us,

Luo.

to

began
11

And me, your

in

like

woman who gives

I could

I began

eyes

English.

your

you help

Before

living

a small

the

her.

Why don't

her

in

Akumu is

Granny.

people

and

suddenly
when

both

true

nodded,

said

father

his

dollars

"Let's
my clothes
was quiet
the
with
--

only
Sarah

go."
hung
now,
one,

must

Lord knows,

she

could

have

We had

were

"Ah,

no

the

"I don't

he cared

only

is

to

smile,

to

but

old

the

women

tension

truth."

At least

was

happens

mouth.

me the

truth.

I asked.

what

tried

of her

for

about?"

up.

always

not

all

closer

to

my mum, Granny,

of it.
her

the

I know that

real

mum, Akumu.

one who raised

them

Akumu leave?"

not

Abongo
talking.

sure.

even

like

him.

though

that

I admire
did,

they

for

for
a

and

not

always

to get

this.

long

Most
time.

get
to

lasted.
were

women in
But

Sarah

why she

they

Sarah

Granny
street,
were

that."

then

resumed
very

She was smart

me,

so that
ended

about

actually

along.
tell

an education

That's

because

use

ask
the

father

None of them

left,

to

cross

She

on any man.

she
her

did

to

independent.

husbands.

others

have

us

your

she wanted

to depend

different

for

know,

And

children,

You will

signalled
"You

similar,

This

I spoke

Akumu left."

"I'm

the

Barry.

Tell

Sarah

before

arguing

Abongo

Abongo.

"Why did

have

minutes

corners

up,

...

Sarah

11

know the

growing

after

ten

husbands.

"Come on,

Barack,

for

nothing,

creased

even

herself

you and

it's

who have

it

walked

"What

still

used

when

we were

she would

up married

The first
lazy,

or tried

Kenya

put

also

paid

not

to

four

one died,

but

to abuse

up with

her.

anything.

a price

for

her

independence."
Abongo
hand.

wiped

"Anyway,

the

after

sweat

on her

forehead

Sarah's

first

husband

with
died,

the

back

she

decided

of

her
that

Barack

should

the

education.

She

thought

support
That's
Kazia

everything.
inherits

died,

everything

would

be left

which

children
is

off.

see,
of

to

take

in Luo custom,

the

male

once your

Barack

and

his

no excuse

for

lying

upcountry

Bernard

"Yes,

he knows
to

children.

He would

sometimes
get

past

man's.
he

grandfather

wives,

Abo,
is

and

about

she

who the

father

Kazia

also
the

went
lived

would

also

Roy and Auma,

no one

Barack'

s,

Obama' s

off
with

come to
can

and

one you haven't

probably

which

met,

child.

be

who

As

for

shrugged.
know about

your

this?"

by now.
father.

You understand,
He would

Kazia

money

he died ... well,

there

was

We turned

your

Barack

are

give

them

"After

Ruth ... well,

children

--

Abongo

wife,

you

other

"Does

accepted

children.

wanted

that

at me.

But

once

Kazia'

this

... "

once

her

11

American

difference

But

who

--

feared
to

and looked

his

are

staying

Bernard

Barry

belong

But ...

stopped

So you

sure

girl

and

all

are."

man on and

her.

Kazia

pretty

Sarah

he had received

what?"

with

another

"That's

right.

Abongo
live

disliked

understand,

my head.

"You're

since

nothing."

children

"But

just

would
with

child,

why she

everything.

I shook
Old Man's

and her

was

You must

child

to

her

in this
a corner

say
for
nothing

such
that

things

they

them

were

whenever

to

prove

made no
all

his

he could.
that

he had

way."
onto

a busier

road.

In front

of us,

pregnant

goat

bleated

as

coming

matatu.

Across

school

uniforms,

their

and

sang

head

as

they

under

tins
from

the

woman's

Bernard

--

looked

over

a wire,

little

round

heads

shaven

beans,

suddenly

imagined

bus

a chain

the

the

landscape,

across

all

of them

my brothers

path

held

her

two

coins.

wares:
dried

fish

I looked

into

Who was

this

shadows.

And what

him somehow be different

a

crowd

all

of

them

against

face

continents.

of

and

flimsy

of them,

Hungry,

about

men

were

black

and

shirts.

multiplied

striving,

now?

young

tall

their

on all

hands
her

at

A stranger?

red

woman with

of tomatoes,

the

an on-

dusty

clean,

look

stack

of

in

An old

where

pressing

Bernard's

almost

of silver

for

road,

the
girls

us to

beneath

stop,

bones

"Now you see

to

a neat

drawn

of

a gutter.

motioned

like

into

their

across

My grandmother?

slender,

at

two

my feelings

at

out

"What?"

way,

face,

should

streaming

the

shawl

I wondered?

woman,

out

of dried

hanging
old

scuttered

skipped

a faded

margarine

it

across

desparate

men,

...

what

your

I rubbed

father

suffered."

my eyes

and looked

father

suffered,"

up to find

Abongo staring

me.
"Yes,

telling
lived,

Barry,

you,

his

he would

problem
just

asked.

You know,

district

practically

they
before.

didn't

even
So they

your

give

was that

to everybody

he was the
--

to

first
study

know anyone
expected

his

else

everything

she

heart

was too

who asked
in the

who had

--

him.

in
'Ah,

am

When he

And they

The people
riden

"I

big.

him.

village

abroad.

from

repeated.

all

in the

whole

back

home,

an

airplane

Barack,

you

are

a big

me.
he

shot

now.

Always
was

so

these

went

became

go to

with

think

took

others

from

behind

like

tar.

spat

into

people
Even

Again
the

fact,

find

out

him,

children!
too

helped,
to

him.
'Barack,
These

lazy

have

tell

thing,

say

take

hear

to

him,

and

when my husband

no job,
why,

who do you

no matter

to

the

maybe three

of.

He had

what

him."

shop by now; up ahead,

and

no,

care

me.

listen

That's

engine

years

old,

we could
of

the

VW

wandered

his

feet

caked

with

this

time

as if

suddenly

to

luck

changed,"

they

forgot

pass

it

she

him.

him stay

Barack

he wouldn't

In

had betrayed

not

be grateful

garage

drums,

to

in

no money,

always

stopped,

had

this

was him.

boy,

father's

refused

but

grudge.

me he

help

what

out

looked
ill,

and

dust.

They would

him,

oil

And he couldn't

I would

mechanic,

Abongo

your

family

I would

her

You should

disappointed

leave,

it

the

a naked

who he had

Refused!
hurt

to
us,

to

I will

a row of

"When

j~st

say,

Auma talking

even

But

I had

approaching

Beside

family.

And despite

Yes --

sometimes

whine.

tell

and

me something.

he was very

college.

me in?

We were
see

from

my husband.

abusive,

give

You know,

pregnant,

me to
off

pressures

generous.

When I became
wanted

You should

They

in their
was too

blame.

he was giving

Ah, I could

not

should

only

look

others,

they

have

treated

work

for

themselves.'

these

after
you

Barry!

never
well

held

thing.

yourself
badly.

again,

same people

this

him.

I knew this

and doing
to

same
at

Yes,

father

understand

you

laughed

house.

Your

help

"these

dangerous.

when he was rehabilitated

that

said,

who

I would
and
They

your
are

Abongo
know what

turned

he would

man does

not

need
turned

forward,

she

pressure

your

him too

harshly.

something,
the

Your

father,

line

in

more

me?

away,

is

"I

tell

hands

everyone

is

because
we have

this,

touch,

dead,
no one's

is

memory

will

life.

to

know

If

it.

family,

only

the

judge

you

have

So you have
no one is

for

whose

too,

you

we began

to

family.

I think."

a vessel

we can

Or do the

of

If

know that

So you don't

his

a piece

it

so

from

want

Is

And as

place.

will

understood

a family?

this

learn

"You

heat.

me?'"

Auma.

this

the

'How do you

than

to

you
in

from

say

more

waved

was under

somewhere.

powerful
all

thing

and

added

shining

He would

small

everyone

arms?

because

to

face

And you must

wrinkled

our

say

he never

What
whose

her

father

then

draw

me,

this

My aunt
walk

to

their

to

and murky

living

fragile

have

there

the

bodies
claims,

argue

--

with

voices,

those

we cradle
claims

or

shaping

made

answer
our

to;

uneasy

dreams?
A few days
run

into

didn't

our

an acquaintance
remember

myself.
How's

after

his

university

mother?
yet?

name,

so

At first

Auma explained

brother,

Barack,

nother.

David

held

My, my --

brother,

-that

up in America,
away.

I could

tell

my hand

and

you have

Mark --

in a low voice

passed

Auma and I happened

out

I was confused

who grew
has

Sarah's,

Old Man's.

and said,

And your

And then

to

of the

The man smiled

your

visit

And then

has

that

grown

the
the

so tall.

he graduated

this
child

Auma

introduced

Did I know this

no,

to

from
person?

is

a different

of

a different

awkwardness

on all

sides

--

taking

the

man nodding

another

true;

look

at

Auma trying

somehow

the

wondering

seen

Mark

looked

and

up at

if
as

of

in her

the

as

after

Ruth.

"David's
stopped

stuff

feel

back

head

appear

normal

Later,

me,

to

how to

his

(I'm

I didn't

to make sure
if

the

leaned

know)

but

he'd

heard

was

while

sad,

was

me standing

been

apartment,

what

situation,

tragedy;

having

She

sorry,

mistaken

I asked
her

to

head

for

the

a ghost.

Auma when she

against

side,

had

last

my shoulder

and

ceiling.

funeral,"

speaking

to

she

us

for

"Al though

said.
a long

by

then,

they

had

time."

"Why? II
Auma sighed.
from the

Old Man was very

her

children

She

remarried

She

sent

to

them

older

to

an

--

he

of

was

the

sneak

do with

Ruth's

from

which

is

s favorite.

separated,

his

with

side

us

--

after

to visit
to

the

take

were

his

name.

raised

like

maybe

because
But

to rebel.

for

He told

himself
the

Obama.

Old Man and the

know him.

you know,

family.

that.

calling

how we got

He was so sweet

and

divorce
she wanted

of

David

he began

started
school

Ruth's

attitudes

was a teenager,
and

that

Mark and

no contact

off

they

school,

share

African,

family,

to

and had

had

you

After

international

David

an

he'd

everybody'

and

once

Sometimes,
rest

nothing

Mark came to

some reason,
Ruth

have

how I told

bitter?

a Tanzanian,

foreigners.
he was

"Remember

He became

and funny,

even

if

but

he

he was wild.
"Ruth
ended

up

finally

tried

to enroll

running

away.

Nobody

him in a boarding
saw

him

for

months.

school,

Then,

Roy

happened
thin,

to

bump into

begging

money

and bragged

about

friends.

him to

safe

and staying

but

also

Roy's

with

hoping

Roy,

died,

him to

go home,

but

place,

and

word

him.

But

corrupted

David

to

to

sipped
he

was

Roy's

especially.

never

understand

stolen

her

Ruth

that

this,

her

son

but
the

would

change

on her

tea.

again

mind."

"That's
Roy.

when

It

broke

The two of them were

baby

away.

he

arrangement

his

with

that.

was

she was relieved,

come back,

living

with_ his

so Roy finally

accepted

David

While

bhang

he refused,

David

and

when he saw Roy,

hustling

up and tacitly

head

see.

Ruth

sent

begged

He was dirty,

He laughed

eventually

her

match.

When Ruth heard

gave

that

heart.

close.

She

thought

And she's

really
we

never

had

forgiven

it."

We didn't
Auma

talk

found

afternoon,

apple,

the

about
memories

The driver,
handed

too

is

"It's

an invitation
for

find

again

after

that;

painful,

too

a car

waiting

a brown-skinned

I could
near.
for

man with

us

tell

that

Then,

one

outside

the

a prominent

adam's

Auma a note.

"What

America

David

we came home to

apartment.

the

it?"
from Ruth,"

summer.

"Do you want

care

streets,

she

you

everybody's

for

on the

She

Auma lifted

us

life

furious.
Finally

David

strangers.

with

refused.

a soccer

from

his

Roy told

took

him outside

to

"Ruth

knows I've

about

me.

She wants

she
to

said.

have

"Mark's

us over

for

back

from

lunch."

go?"
been

The only

here

almost

reason

she's

six

months

invited

us

now.
is

She doesn't
because

she's

curious

about

back

to

the

"Well

the

lived
street
post

we drove

towards

had
then,
and

quiet

the

in

over

sight

his
college

perhaps

football

as David

back

into

sweat

and

had run,

which,
back

on TV.

all,

either
into

way,

the

and

the

laughter

dirt

the

sort

of pain

along

and
to

one

the

curve

of

the

more

of a long,

swam

envy,

the

softly

in

their

sense

as

gin

of

he sat
as

the

in

mid-

alone
he

in

flicked

of loneliness
a projection

had made me want

I could

looping

houses,

behind

of

was just

and noisy

disorder

felt

and well-tended

rage

marketplace

modest

I'd

their

An impression

perhaps

big,
around

that

or

a tumbler
face

as

classmates

to

houses

an unfathomable

disorder

We came
parked

but

at

streets

envy

crying

sneaking

in

that

pretty

sister

games

true

to

off

the

my wealthier
the

set

was raining

the

me over

on a father's

clenched

my own loneliness,

big,

a mother

wasn't

just

those

it

one with

through

back-yards,

companion

expression

face

big

someone's

of

The

invited

their

And too,

sound

me of
where

each

It

spray

I remembered

classmates

of

between
that

these

homes

hedges,

gentle

streets

handed

apartment.

guards.

reminded

Hawaii.

The

den,

a soft,

Tantalus,

out

afternoon.
his

house,

then

of expensive

by brown-uniformed

inside

The

the

and well-tended

lawns

desparation

door.

into

by wide

pools.

lawns.

and walked

again,

Swahili.

an enclave

back,

swimming

note
to

that

looked

the

something

a coolness

whenever

at

in Westlands,

her

Manoa,

lived

said

said,

manned

trees,

Punahou,

and
she

a sentry

leafy

Auma looked

driver
go,"

Ruth
from

you."

produced;

to

of
run,

streets,
back

into

understand.

houses

on the

driveway.

block,

A white

and
woman

with

a long

Behind

jaw and greying

her

bushy

was

afro

a black

and

black

is

man of

my height

in,"

Ruth

and

house

to meet

complexion,

us.

with

The

living

jacket

four

room,

where

was bouncing

Ruth

said,

of

us

hands

a balding,

a young

"and

shook

older

boy on his

this

is

shake

his

Mark's

lap.
little

Chris."
"Hey,

Chris,"

handsome

boy,

missing.
and

"Yes,
was nice

I said
with

Ruth

husband

the

"Weren't

yes,"

the

to meet

you both.
curious

him up and

carried

him out

pouring

here

out

we are,"

lemonade.

you were

here,

this

other

son

it?

But your

of Obama's

mother

big

and

curls,

"

standing

smile,

until

the

door.

Ruth

said,
say

fast,
his

I told

Mark that

turned

out.

remarried.

I wonder

the

father

at

to

Chris

picked

couch

a surprise

and

to

had to

name is

... it

up at Auma

the

we just

her

club?"

finally

us

Your

teeth

looked

staring

was quite

He was

front

"Come on,

leading
it

two

way to

up.

The boy stood

hand.

then

you two on your

"I must
Barry.

skin

boy's

man said,

a bright,

"Well,

down to

honey-colored

tussled

said,

bending

and I with

out

said.

a large

a safari

of the

glasses.

my husband,"

brother,

come

enterred

man in

"This

came out

and horn-rimmed

"Come in,
stiffly

hair

find

see

Obama,

how

isn't

why she had you keep

your

name?"
I smiled
Mark.

like

I hadn't

"So Mark -"Stanford,"

perfectly

American.

I hear
he

understood
your

corrected.
"I'm

at

the

question,

and turned

to

Berkeley."
His

in my last

voice
year

was
of

the

deep,

hi;s

physics

accent
program

there."
"It

must

be tough,"

Mark shrugged.
"Mark's
a handful
Mark

of people

of

his

partical

then

meet

doing

That's
stories

my

leave

soon

show us the
"I'm

oddly

next

fiddle
as

the

family
sure

the

I understand

You must

rest

you?

of him,

The drinking

have

gotten

though.

You

made it

worse.

I mean?"

then,

weren't

hour

passed,

you?

silently
meal

album

they're

"Of course

they're

distant:

"There

with

failure

Any questions

Auma to
as

lucky

father's

accomplishments.
leaving

Obama.

She patted

11

And Barry,

only

It

probably

explains

so well."

how the
of

it.

11

like

don't

Obama,

understand

me.

not

so complicated,

When I was ten."

you were

why you're

to

Just

crazy,

It's

really

turned

him?

once.

"Well,

world

Hopefully

know Obama was quite

"Only

physics.

to Harvard.

brains.

Did you ever

really."

in the

hand,

you' 11 be going
some

"Not

studying

on the

Auma offered.

was over,
while

not

she

pictures

lasagna.

Ruth

brought

mother,"

of

Mark's
to

I wanted

suggested

out

Ruth

of

exclusively

Ruth's
but

between

stories

directed

interested,

interested,"
are

and

were
with

Ruth alternating

the

that

me,
to
Mark

dessert.

Mark said.

said.
him.

Then,
From

her

when

voice
he

was

young ... "

We followed
photo
its

album.
laminate

Mark to the

Together
pages.

we sat

bookcase,
on the

Auma and Roy,

where
couch,
dark

he pulled
slowly

and

down a large

thumbing

skinny

and

through
tall,

all

legs

and big

their

eyes,

somewhere.

The

They

familiar

to

entire

me,

of

kept

as

if

even

of mother

roof.

Here

it

under
--

all

of

father,

was,

harsh

it

the

sisters
what

turned

out,

life

only

on the

strangely
life,

the

Old

the

all

Man

simple

under

been.

as.it

fantasies

Kenya;

the

an

my back.

of

have

beach

out

behind

him to

in

all

fantasy

might

of

after

and

and brothers,

evidence

at

a night

out

with

had all

made me so sad that

up

I now realized,

--

thought,

it

some parallel

itself

myself

protectively

them,

into

and me back

and

the

up for

fantasies,

from

of how wrong

fantasy

dressed

had played

own long-held

fantasy

mugging

I was glimpsing
that

children

Ruth

scenes,

my mother

recognition

two lighter

family

happy

secret
taken

lived

Man and

universe

reflection

having

Old

were

alternative

I'd

the

The

arms.

town.

holding

one

And the

dissolution
had

a few minutes

of

really

been

I had to look

away.
On the
through
she

drive

the

said.

know,

ordeal.
"I

it's

back,

not

I looked

She waved

feel

sorry

easy
out

the

and how grateful

stories

they'd
gotten

for

being

Gramps,

hasn't

it

to

off.

Mark,

a mixed

window,

though.
child

him,

has

back

could

having

have

He seems

put

been

her

worse,"

so alone.

You

in Kenya."

thinking

I turned

Auma for

"It

about

I was to them,

told.
over

I apologized

for

to

my mother,

who they

Auma,

and

Toot

were,

said

and

and the

"She

still

she?"

"Who?"
"Ruth.

She hasn't

Auma thought

for

gotten
a moment.

over
"No,

the

Old Man."

I guess

she

hasn't.

I don't

think

she

ever

will."

The following
to

lunch.

me at
had

He seemed

an Indian
been

jokes,

As the

but

downtown.

meal

wore

making
about

on,

eventually

to

relaxed

meet

than

he

a few self-deprecating

California

I asked

we go out

agreed

He was more

meeting,

observations

that

and academic

him how it

felt

being

inback

summer.

And Chris

he said.
--

and

feel

Mark and suggested

hesitant,

first

his

"Fine,"

sarnosa

a bit

our

offering

the

I called

restaurant

during

fighting.
for

week,

he's
put

much

"It's

really
it

in

nice

a great

his

attachment

to

to

see

kid."

mouth.

my morn and dad,

Mark cut

"As for

Kenya

per

se.

think

about

the

off

a bite

rest

Just

of course.

of

another

of his

it,

I don't

poor

African

country."
"So you

don't

He smirked
mean,

and

there's

country

not

where

the

I should
voice,

maybe,

in

a foggy

mirror

feel

like

Mark put
afternoon

his

::our getting
-.::.:: from

from

much

work

for

--

and

but

knife

looked

dropped

it

of
onto

there

"I

.. in

a telephone."
--

the

certainty

between

us,

like

harder.

"But

in

looking
don't

you

something?"
fork,

and

into

flatly.
sort

have

push

he said.

is

something

to

straight

he said
that

and

"No,"

physicist,

resemblance

be losing

here?"

Coke.

doesn't

then,
rough

his
a

made me want

down his

at,"

person

stopped

you might

my roots,

___::, Jr.napkin

a sip

or the

eyes

settling

took

average

have

his

ever

ever

for

mine.

"You think
thing."
his

plate.

the
"I
that

He wiped
"Well

first

time

understand
somehow

that
what

I' rn cut

his

mouth

your

right.

with
At

a certain
father

point,
was.

knew that

I made a decision

He was dead
he was

children.

That

"It

Just

him,

symphonies.
African

no.

is

suppose

and

shouldn't

al 1 neans.

still

no concern

for

losing

who my real
alive.
his

wife

or

"Who knows?"

We stood
we

dishonesty

with

up

meeting
a short,

so funny?"

tell

mind

of questions

an

don't

that

if

being

about

"I

possibility

what

me what

I don't

hesistated,

what
know.

I looked

a rock...;climber

like

immediately,

"What's
enough

ache.

all

insisted

and

She looked
laugh.

certain

without

and

made my heart

bitter

the

he

addresses

had gone.

to

not

he

regained

his

I don't

need

check.

leave,

exchanged
that

"What

to

it's

He shrugged.

almost

the

hard

Beethoven's

I would ... "

he said.

Life's

who's

a lot

am. "

moment

for

me.

Understand,

ask myself

Then,

and waved

stress.

But

about?

myself,

briefest

move
I know --

about.

care

footing.

composure

how the

care

numb?"

things

I can acknowledge
at

the
his

Outside

to

Being

sonnets.

Who I really

carefully
For

you?

Other

But I don't

Maybe I should.

out

when he was

showed

bother

Shakespeare's

half-Kenyan.

the

about

numb."

doesn't

"About

more

and

think

was enough."

mad.

"And that

it

a drunk,

me even

to

made you mad."

"Not

should

to

not

is
that

excess

baggage."

on paying

promised

to

When I got
away for

that

the

write,

home,

a moment,

bill.
with

I told
then

Auma
broke

"I was just

as

soon

the
to

as

the

thinking

Old Man died,

inheritence
prove

though
one

on Mark's

who Mark's

Again

Of all

gotten

Auma laughed,

there

on the

three

brothers

Ruth

wall,
and

the

had

unlike

of the

and

is
her

lawyers

the

looked

smiling

the

my mum.

from

~~~~-

so strange.

Old Man's

same picture

a sister,

--

She had all

was,

something

~-~--~

how life

behalf.

father

uncontested.

that's

about

----

You know,

file

a claim

documents

So the

~-

needed

claim

kids,

Mark's

the

picture

to

sailed
the

only

estate."
up

pasted
sweetly

at

inside
for

Ruth's
the

hanging
album,

camera.

of

I
i

Chapter

It

was

merchants
for

five

were

the

minutes

just

morning

starting

trade,

onto

the

roof

of

with

a whisk-broom

the

and the

his

job

a long

he started

the

engine

"Now we are

all

brothers,"

still

empty

road.

looked

around

at

Auma and myself,

there

Raphael,

haired

a dark

couple

in

said.

Beyond

Auma and
me of

their

those

other

accompanied

A silence

more

offer

a smile

heavy

gaze.
"Don't

packet

of

maddening
Was it

of

of

biscuit

in

head

personal
you

were

spoken

l.

of

the

side

and

a stony,

reaching
pocket

since

reminded
that

or hotel.
just

who

The natural

me,

with

had

breath

be sure

Auma watching

in

they

of a bar
never

named

a British

that

pause

muttered,

John,

a word

Your paranoia?

she

out

with

and

silence

She replied

"

pulling

I think

had

driver

satisfaction.

Mauro,

the

racism?

the

Meru cook

Wilkerson,

could

of someone

before

integration

because

cheerful,

with

bags

Kikuyu,

into

a spindly

states,

our

Along

named

shops

built

Climbing

nobody

the

their

movements

firmly,

the

Nairobi's

loading

a sturdily

his

Italian

I caught

that

finished

others:

encouragement.

so

to

an uncomfortable

unspoken

strangers?

look
dry

your

gates

passengers.

--

van,

back

sometimes

discomfort

four

forties

the

moments

was to blame.

my fellow

introductions,

I boarded

up the

time.

he said

young

early

when

efficient

and nodded

were

hour

He was

mustache
for

the

Wanjiru

mini-van.

seat,

roll

when John

been

the

seven,

to

who's

into

doing

after

tried

to

sleep-

for

of my bag.

the

It
Like
an

hadn't

most

been

Kenyans,

indifference

think

can

showed

her

it

one dead

black

children."

the

quickly

travel

that

gone

agency

to

was

be set

"than

it

--

seeing

book

by

aside
as

she

more

a hundred

you shouldn't

let

other

own country,

Asians,

was

care

do for

tickets,

for

colonialism,

mzungus

they

your

our

owned

to

do you

me when I

As far

"These

into

from

land

me.

Mara with

asked

connected

foreigners.

you

with

Masai

had

farming?

she had said,

stop

she

all

for

her

trip

How many Kenyans

were

for

I had talked

and
her

she

I had
had

seen

suspicions

had

resurfaced.
"You see

soon

used

parks

elephant,"

like

go on a safari?

be

But when we had

that

call

could

attitudes

game preserves

Why should

game

Eventually

black

to

a playground

about

Auma to make the

on hostility.

brochure.

the

paternalism,

said.

viewed

going

when

people's

convince

bordering

the

concerned,

to

she

afford

tourists,

the

easy

young

how arrogant

Indian

clerks.

"These

Asians

Kenyans,

the

are?"

woman who ran

themselves
as

they

make

place

own all

but

their

the

she

they

money,

order

the
want

whispered
about

business

send

a passel

in Nairobi.

nothing

they

as we watched

to
it

do with

off

to

of
They

us.

London

As
or

Bombay."
Her
left
for

the

travel

sending

in Uganda.
=ade

attitude

with

their

had
agency.

out

to
and

me,

I asked

money

I started
Indians

irritated

her

of the

tell

Pakistanis

her

and).::old
if

she

could

country
about
back

her

after
the

in

the

so
blame

what

close

once
the

we had
Asians

had happened

friendships

States;

friendships

I'd

and

pointed

room

to

"Is

this

for

the

"No,

11

and is

the

seat

your

said.

nagging

Everyone

shook

bravely
is

"Well,

your

it

rode

sticks.
bush
and

and

to see

the

animals,

Nobody minds,

smiled

at

the

I hope."
girl,

who

Auma said.

"My

asked.

can

share

my tent,"

listen

to

her,"

Elizabeth

I started

to

from

took

return

one

the

me and turned
she

and

I said,
and

held

nibbled

package
to

and

to

out

neatly

my bag,

but

Mauro.

asked.

took

one,

before

grade,

into

Auma passed

them

others.
continued
barefoot

in

rickety

and forest,
we could

"The

make

whispered.

you

smiled

Soon the

all

along.

Wilkerson

some biscuits?"

the

women walked

Mrs.

girl

away

Italian

The road

boys

to

attention.

"Don't

edges.

"You want

to

the

biscuits.

Auma snatched

around

over

he snores."

of

its

her

heads

name?"

a face.

package

The

their

the

I think

around

scooting

She likes

me to take

Elizabeth,

I made
the

Auma asked,

"My sister's.

under

"Elizabeth,"

brother,

Auma.

girl.

John

"What

to

daughter?"

always

suffered

next

up a steady
carrying
carts,

shambas
until
see

Great

Rift

He stopped

the

the

huge
lazily

became
trees

less

loads

cooler

on their

hills,

heads,

switching

their

frequent,

replaced

on our

left

where

and small

donkeys

suddenly

with

by tangled
dropped

away,

was sky.
Valley,"
van

and

John

announced.

we piled

out

to

stand

at

the

edge

of

the
of

escarpment,
feet

endless
back

looking

plain,

meeting

the

blue

air

series

of

high

white

mountain
a row of

presence

were

sky,

rose
worn

west,

as

like

and

visible

leading

the

and savannah

is

that,

hoziron.

stretched

out

its

to

at

limit

clouds.
in

vista

station,

in a flat
carry

sea,

Only

entire

Hundreds

To the

a silent

ridges.

the

as

western

two
--

the

eye

right,

and beyond

signs

of man's

a single,

its

dish

pointing

at

and

slender

cupped

towards

a space-craft.

John?"

Auma asked,

satellite.

Tlle Americans

the

dish.

helped

build

it

ago."

Mauro

frowned.

"Spoils

Auma shrugged.

"It

the

would

view,

no?"

be worth

it

if

it

meant

more

people

telephones."
"I

walked

don't
back

think
to

the

down

a road

points

the

every

of

forcing

John

of

in

seen

from

above,

landscape

scruffy

is

tarmac.

It

into

wake.

dry

the

used

for,"

John

gravel

highway

was

slow

going:

entire
the

as they

said,

and

at

way across

first,

and patches

width,

spread
at

mostly
of hard

and
at

opposite

we arrived

to make our
bone

main

from

embankments

as

the

road's

approach

Eventually,

and began
was

across

would

drive

thorn-whistle,

it

off

yawned

their

what

we turned

pulverized

trucks
to

is

north,

potholes

so often

dust

that
van.

A few miles

The

shadowed

and a satellite

"Communications
few years

grass

an island

across

shiny-white

"What

had

the

stone

solitary

road

towards

below,

through

that,

out

and and

a thick
road

coat
we had

valley

bush
dark

certain

direction,

the
the

began

grass
stone.

floor.
and
Down

,
r

the

road

aways,

wilderbeast,
zebra

we began

its

mournful

and a giraffe,

hour,

we

appeared
staff

saw
in

that

across

the

life,

ways

and

meet

British,

had

been

without

savage

in

among the

out.
lunch,
T-shirts
their

many Masai

in

after

tribes,

to

their

of a tree;

the

base
For

solitary
lean

of

almost

Masai

and

long-horned

an

herdsman

straight

as

boran

for

cattle

the

cattle

the

postcards

and

coffee

on

me clear

In Narok,

a small

a group

of Masai

surrounded

our

counterparts,

the

tribe

Cherokee
table
the

something

Masai

children,

trading
children,
van with

a
to

longer

town

where

dressed
the

peddling

from

and the

Masai

had

become

the

noble

infuriated

other

of an embarrassment,

Masai

how much

respect

books.

The government

continued

the

pastoral

or Apache,

land.

Most Masai

to

broken

with
ways

a grudging

had tried
system

resist

of

such

they'd

be

in

khaki

jewelry

and

to

impose

land

title

efforts,
able

we stopped

same aggressive
cheap

the
and

with

Their

had been

reservations,

among

accodance

lines.

them

like

were

agriculture

in

property

defeat,

their

They

disdaining

as treaties

to

Masai

elders.

Nairobi

herd

even

education

wasn't

at

Nairobi.

Kenya's

infatuation

who thought

compulsory

it

its

western

who hankered

as

in war had earned

picture

This

figure

a solitary

distance.

a herd

restricted

of

Kenyans,

his

much regard

so that

mythologized

feed

until

leading

of

fierceness

the

to

of gazelle;

flat.

prefering

and

herds

in the

person,

he carried,

assimilated

rains

as

other

bent

visible

distance,

You didn't

city

small

head

barely

no

an empty

least

to pass

for

shorts

but

to

hold

gas

and

and

old

enthusiasm
and snacks.

of
Two

hours

later,

when

preserve,

an tall

leaned

through

tour

we arrived
Masai

the

of his

boma.

"Only

forty

at

man in

window

the

adobe

a Yankees

of our

shillings,"

van

he

gate

cap

and

said

leading

and

smelling

suggested

with

into

the

of beer

that

we take

smile.

"Pictures

extra."
Since
and

John

got

compound

out

and

followed

dung

naked

huts;

of them,

in

children

of women waved
a pretty

for

shillings,

It

was a cramped,
her

fighting

the

urge

around
John

through

the

on the

other

swept

out

her

was

look

their
a baby

and in return

slept,

after
to

brush

waiting

puffed
for

following

side

forever,

was
flat

colored

and

as

supple

forests

and

dotted

with

away

as

us
the

as

small

several

cattle

and

a few

drying

mud.

bead-covered

guards,

slung

back,

on her

on her.
she

newborn

to

high

hut.

ceiling
The smoke

woman and

that

me

change

her

calves.

the

one

showed

me into

a five-foot

flies

and

I agreed

invited

with

A group

formed

two

left,
solid

eyes.
when we reached
road

beautiful

plains

circular
were

I thanked
the

a large

Auma

walls

in the

and kept

a minutes

baby's

gate,

space,

office,

compound

center,

had hoisted

cooked,
and

the

by side

pitch-black

family

blinding,

rings

someone

man into

side

with

game warden's

Masai

open

to

mother

it

Kenya

the

us over

that

was

the

Along

stood

a US quarter

where

in the

made of thornbrush.

mud and
small

had some business

up a small,
a land

undulating

a lion's
thorn-trees,

the

back,

as

of

by
which

We drove
rise.

ever

gentle

creased

on top

barren
I'd

into

van.

And

seen.
hills,

long

It
dun-

gallery

vultures

or

hawks

perched

zebra,

like

ridiculously

wheat-colored
taut

center,

thousands

shoulders
John

as

began

before

if

that

us,

their

to

our

frozen

in

of

inch

then

too

the

hoofs

I looked

at

Auma.

looking

suddenly

as

young

same

wordless

We set

up

camp
fig

tree

getting

late,

the

sunlight

a short

up our

drive

to

had

gathered

to

sat

down to

feed

had

a wife

heavier
with
"If

the

travel

I could,

KCU makes

of

"What's

earth
her

And in

heads

and

legs

and the

a school
like

their

bush.

to

of fish,
a wave

the

two

carry.

of

parted

the

sound

against

the

arm of Elizabeth,

girl's,

the

humped

animals

her

face

them

wearing

brown

stream,

blue

starlings.

breaking

into

soft

reddish

watering

where

KCU?11

on his

planting.

but

disliked
farming

beams,

we had
and

when we got

back,

John

homestead

on his

days

He said
being
full

It

a topi

As we ate,

and corn:

of coffee

impossible."

hole

was going

living

prefer

a winding

noisy

stew.

and

of

firewood,

children

hoing

banks
with

A fire

agency,

the

herd,

of
the

gazelle,

slender

and gathering

on Rafael's

I might
it

the

tents

drink.

an acre

work

the

filled

a nearby

and six

They tended

the

as

hoary

herd

harvested

of

into

their

the

She had

above

a big

setting

for

a huge

smile.

beneath

after

leaped

wake like

against

troop

with

much

left,
stripes,

time,

in our

shore.

the

their

right,

van through

merged

beating

in

wilderbeast,

seemed

to

To our

sentinels.

symmetrical

grass:

muscles

of

dark

told

time,"

but
for

gazelle
and we

us that

he

in Kikuyuland.
off,

he did

the

his

work

he enjoyed
away

time

was

from

his

he said,

family.
"but

the

"The
what

Kenyan

we can

Coffee

plant,

to

them,

prices

are

dropping,

kilo.

Of that

thing

and

morning,

coming

gravel,

is

been

repaired

so it

washed

maybe the

government

to

a house

build

fault.

In Kenya

We don't
people

with

disgust.

who own the

trucks

that

profits.

This

down
is

with

last

road

year.

eighty

sell

to

my

us

that

shillings

per

kilo.

per

The rest

"It's

first

in

a terrible

pay

giving

for

this

roads,

the

time

how we like

to

might

we travelled

this

road

they

was suppose

used

In this

But
to

our

money

they
than

think,

is

give

needed
only

such

to

his

things.

someone.
even

would

I think

not

support

But

loose

also

it

taxes

only

case,

of construction

suspicion.

the

things

that

rains.

Nairobi.

to

of

that

But

in charge

like

all

say

perhaps

You know,

in the

use

only

own people."

spoke,

the

valley.

idea

its

people

himself

reason

break

more

official

good

equipment

from

regulate

Auma said.

only

have

get

head

out

the

still

his

do not

trust

They

cents

the

for

overseas.

steals

They
I can

fifty

same thing

into

it.

get

"If

the

thieves.

I only

freely,"

shrugged.
It

it

are

plant

I know they

shook

very

change.

have

sell

government

"You speak

to

but

John

when the

John

they

eighty,

where?"

They

and when we can

coffee

goes

Union.

the

rather
up

big

men

have

their

of

their

some

you see.

Poor

Somebody

else's

problem."
I remembered
in

Nairobi:

the

districts

weren't

defending

the

the

visit

MPs
getting

President's

in

Auma and I had made to

their
the
recent

suits,

proper

share

Parliament,

complaining
of foreign

move to scrap

the

right

that
aid

back
their
dollars,

of habeaus

corpus

from

seats.

It

the
had

I said,
John
country

reminded

"It's

probably

moment,

two Masai

approached

a seat

on one of the

would
men,

lean

limbs

stuck

into

trees.

took
provide

their

cheekbones

out

of

ground

silent

us that

he lived

companion

flashlight,

and

animals.

Wilson

"Nothing
bathroom

animals,

and

stars.

It

and

otherwise
thinking

it

the

fire.

the

by the
shukas,

long

if

the

darkness

explained

They were

shadows

with

towards

the
the

camp was ever

their
spears

spoke

to

quiet,

fire,
their

name was Wilson,

pan

welcomed

John

night.

cast

a rich

John

benches,

the

see,

the

Swahili,
east.

beam

been

His
of

his

attacked

by

grinned.
he

said.

you should
to

question

drifted

had been

myself;

round

Auma asked

night,

began

his

you

ignorance."

in a boma a few miles

to

serious,"

at

John

began

such

blood-red

them to

who said

But

accentuated

their

before

One of them,

and told

for

high

jutting
the

security

their

John."

right.

afford

in

Council.

in America,

At that

and as they

whispering

city

can perhaps

they

cloud.

Chicago

so different

"You are

and

America

handsome

to

me of the

not

nodded.

laughing

like

them,
that

constitution,

call
the

away
since

the

lights

from

bright

as

jewels.

clear

sky,

and

was the

I was wondering

men about
the

I'd

seen

of
I

you

the

the

fire

have

to

smoke,

then
cloud

11

go with

a patch
away

deciding
wasn't

moving

the

thick

haze

from
that

at

I thought

were
of

the

you."

up

this,

they

go to

of various

glanced
like

city,

further

to

movement

them

noticed

stepped

why the

if

one of us to

from

years

away

perhaps

"But

in

the
it

the

fire,

must

when

and

be a

I heard

footsteps

behind

me.

"I believe
up at

the

that's

the

Milky

Way,"

Mr. Wilkerson

said,

looking

sky.

"No kidding."
He held
the
man,

points

of

with

glasses

guessed
in

up his
the

spent

the

and

I'd
the

never

got

around

about

Land

Rover

first

stake,

and

kinds

in

that
the

he had spent

He

then

said

in a quiet
practiced

years,

here,
do

he'd

that

for

sorts

of

tent

points
practical

to know,

up before

convinced

relative
to

he'd

at

length

but

had

with

name of every

his

the

drove

bird

John
in

we saw,

my
the

to

the

live

in

in
rest

wife,

return

--

Heal th

him to

"There's

continent
and

land
England,

if

settled

to

school,

Service

Africa.

... even

the
after

After

a surplus

finally

about

to medical

a psychiatrist.
with

--

of the

Nairobi"

National

to

to

plantation

talk
the

back

He had gone
the

Kenya

sold

moved

surprised

on a tea
to

had

had

with

to

and wasn't

reluctant

father

family

time

up,

in Kenya,

of London.

her

living

grown

childhood

he had met his

against

choose

all

his

know the

that

suburb

where

decided

various

talk

He seemed

only
and

Liverpool,

his

Highlands.

Independence,
settle

to

him now where

White

past.

seemed

at

He could
had

initially

Except

wished

me,

soft-spoken

a man who I'd

I had always

knowing.

engines,

--

for

a slight,

he possessed

of things

to

hair

indoors.

that

constellations

He was

blond
time

the

tree.

I asked
learn

of his

out

Cross.

pasty

noticed

knowledge,

every

and traced

Southern

most

day,

name of

hand

in
a few

They
of
most

had

doctors
of them

instead

on

Malawi,
the

where

they

past

five

years.

"I

oversee

eight

half-a-million,"
at

least

what's

preventable
infection
be quite

to

of his

innoculate

awareness

were

grim.

life

--

basic,

enough

Chicken

pox.

reached

of

supplies

up on the

which

die

for

a population

ends

People

has

as

in

from

black

Africa

is

sorts

of

all

And now AIDS

fifty

percent.

he'd

my home,

glasses

you know.

he seem

terribly

enjoy

things

the
It

lived

can

in the

long

run

myself

excellent,

really.

a training

hospital,

here

setting

I need

cynical

nor

sentimental.

and he answered

Competent.
some decent

the

a time,

have

I
without

land ... "

He took

"It's

the

life

funny,

in England

so much more,

but

seem to

there."
shrugged.

to be replaced.

unnecessary.

up AIDS

many times.

for

on and

me

workers

and

a foreigner

back

tell

outreach

a handkerchief.

The British

I felt
glasses

with

to

condoms

The people,

them

cramped.

his

training

question

I suppose.

He put

-- making

neither

the

and wiped

less.

wells,

he had come back,

heard

Once you've

seems

as he continued

distributing

--

if

And yet,

digging

children,

"It's

that

anyway.

him why he thought

his

have

purchases

Dysentary.

classes

a pause,

of

with

contract

maddening."

tasks

asked

"We never

on the

in some villages

The stories
the

focus

government

a region

government

only

disease.

under

for

me now.

the

needed

rate

worked

doctors

of what

So we can

really

had

he told

half

market.

both

The Malawian
Dedicated.
facilities,

"Of course,
That's
doctors
If

part

I know
of my job

I work with

we could

we could

just
triple

are

build
their

number

in

no time.

And then .. "

"And then?"
He turned
to

waver.

"Too

to

sins

from

do love

his

never

past,

call
you

a moment,

this

place,

and I thought
this

place

know.

then

voice

home,"

I've

looked

though,"

his

he

learned

at

began

to

said.
accept

me.

he said,

before

walking

back

tent.

above

the

creamy

black

sky,
shell

The

to

the

dawn the
groove

yellow.

dissipated

leave

ground

during

the

away.

As we pulled

giraffe,

night,

their

rising

That's
seeing

a herd

thanked

sun,

like

how it

was
once

by Rousseau.

grass.

Buffalo
methodically

in

round

of

then

purple

tint

slowly,

then

At the

for

Masai

took

again,

the

A pride
the
while

rest

world
of

marshes,
tic

of

birds

to

for
west

against

day

--

off

through
them

a caravan
black

as

book,

yawning
horns

out

of

before

an ancient

a pop-up

savanged

point

shooing

seemingly

the

a bleached

had passed

the

lions,
their

end of the

as

time

guards

we saw to

markings

the

other

and as white

at a common slant,
strange

sky lit

orange,

of elephants

camp,

the

then

John

the

east,

blue,

star.

where

out

painting

chewing

a single

breakfast,

necks

as a child

their

After

and

To the

deep

lost

visible,

long

red

morning.

trees,

clouds
behind

beach.

depressed

next

of

moon was still

on the

the

the

for

We woke up at

the

campfire,

I can

He paused
"I

the

"Perhaps

many

that."

towards

in

if

sky.

I were

a fable,
the

broken

like

cheap

wigs,

their

mud-crusted

backs.

Hippos

like

marbles

their

in

bobbing

vegetable

wide-open

out

every

Most

they

of

all

looked

with

whenever

carcass's
stern,
got

or

hard

of

thump

is

what

until
wings

over

that

I imagined

and rough-skinned,

the

..

Creation

fat

and

the
firm

as

stretching

the

same

fear,

It

crunching

the

knowledge

the

first

a chunk

the

There

man stepping

their
of

the

hunchbacks

scene,

and

itself,
rush

the

to

higher

lift

air

and

like

the

to myself.
in

we

of wind,

the

clumsy

awe he feels
first

heads
vultures

forward,

in his
the

death,

coal,

and still,

bone.

of flint

of black

strained

I thought

anticipation,
of his

it

motionless

of

light

on

or the

found

like,

orange

like

feed

of bone,

finally

become

away

as

of hyenas,

a row

a savage

wings
it

dying

furrowed

life

elements.

a tribe

them,

was

the

clumps

hopping

looked

grasping

glimmering

horizon

plains,

match

like

Beside

a vulture's

the

hill,

to

they

crack

stillness,

the

as

by the

same

sky,

blood

watching

This

for

eyes

time,

current,

and graceful

yet

nostrils
fanning

fingers

In the

their

close.

rest.

words

as

we came upon

gazes,

to

only

the

camp,

patient

interrupted

into

a silence

rib-cage.

silence

long

like

with

a long

those

and

unbroken

and wraithlike

of a wilderbeast.

for

itself

the

some

from our

dripping

there

the

eyes

and elephants

clouds,

demon dogs,

a hyena

stayed

everywhere

stillness,

carcass

chins

waited

pink

surface,

white

high

far

like

the

bright,

the

not

beneath

beds,

water's

And

others

on the

their

river

direction.

At twilight,
feeding

on the

and

on air,

in

shallow

ears.

sky

islands

the

The
dusk,
naked

hand,
at

no
the

man scanning

At

night,

guardsmen.
been

Wilson

moran,

center

after

the

of the
manhood,

there

were

He had

gone

to

boredom

drove

valley,

to

had
him

marry

cattle

had been

he and

four

"The
his

killed

others

will

shield,

had hunted

The
mechanic's
that

kill

choose

while
sounds

Wilson
sometimes

understand

it

shrugged.
four

man didn't
trying

the

into

to

question,

had
a bank.

returned

it

little

one

The
to

the

of

the

was illegal

now,

preserve.

spears,"
That

the

Wilson

man,

he curls

said.
under

job."

stupidly.
there

are

only

scratches.

But

come back."
like

explain

after

at

had

the

their

finish

I said

sound

that

a man went

throw

four

"Usually
will

he

I asked.

and

other

of time.

Recently

one man to pounce.

dangerous,"

only

lion

--

was a waste

guard

cattle.

But now
complicated

but

he

prove

rancher.

and although

the

a lion?"

the

nonchalance

thought

by a lion,

to

the

by a Kikuyu

work,

eventually
his

at

cattle-raids.

shot

Masai

had recently

a lion

had become

of

our

who were

killed

a security

to

friend

a moran

search

and

tend

raids

being

up as

men surround

lion

"It

in

crazy,

each

had been

that

ended

and

"How do they
"Five

cattle

with

warriors

on numerous

friend

Nairobi

and

young

They had

decided

further

he and his

of

legend.

and even

finally

schooling,

class

another

spoke

both

had participated

year,

had

we

us that

bachelor

no wars,

last

Wilson

told

Masai

their

only

dinner,

was

boasting

a difficult

caused

Auma to

he died.
but

he

repair.
ask

At first,

eventually

--

him

Perhaps
where

Wilson

he smiled

more

the

didn't

and began

like
it

a
was

Masai
seem to
shaking

his

head.

"This

"this

life

return

to

after
the

"What
been

is

not

you

a Masai

die.

soil.

reading

"These

Masai

After

That

do you say,

is

he said,

you

die,

almost

laughing,

you

are

nothing.

For

some time

You

all."

John,"

small,

belief,"

Mauro

red-bound

asked.
Bible.

He

looked

John

had

now

and

up

smiled.

"Were

you

John

are

raised

nodded.

Mauro

spoke,

staring

He brings

For

John

placed

when

I was

men.
is

not

during

believe

they

God,

though

the

failure.

in

missionary

the

sometimes
changes

religion,

his

church.

Christianity

everything,

yes?

drought.
did

we will

to

with

his

read

together,

beside

work.

always

Auma began

him.

"Such
were

remember

Some taught

God's

tent

and

troubled
they

erred

as

I also

fail.

That

that

some missionaries

fed

to

can

me

that

we can do is

read.

In this,

aspire

to

live

I
like

short."

and John

a story

things

men,

children

All
fall

no?"

lap.

I understand
I also

him,

fire

"Me, I leave
that

The missionaries

to his

the

John,

White
Bible

Mauro went

at

fire.

I was born."

say?"

I am older,

knees

the

before

I offered.

young.

God's

people

the

colonialism.

Now that

Auma asked.

converted

into

Africa,

"Colonialism,"
--

John?"

you think,

... how do you

"Yes

he said.

a Christian,

Don't

so good?

men,"

"My parents

Too many rules.

not

brave

with

mending

his

I looked

at
17

returned

to his

Elizabeth.
pants,
the

Bible.

Dr.
while

Masai,

his

their

Wilkerson

Beside
sat

wife

stared

faces

silent

and watchful,

and wondered

them.

would

They

courage,
yet,

their

in

Another

that

the

and

fire,

until

only

John

I stood

John

began

to

with
in

up,

a melody
my

own

through

The day we got

that

Roy

suddenly
he'd
his

felt

was

returned.

and

only

Bernard,

expected

soon;

from

eldest

our

had

he

recognized.
back

black

with
around

held

off

as
were

men and women,

he

hymn,

in

awhile,

my tent,

a suitcase

a dereliction

lost

seemed

God.

word
he

saying

and had managed

until

had
that

to

was thrilled

feast

to

transmitting

expected,
in hand,

family

spoke,

but

Auma and I received

than

the

As

Kikuyu

I listened

to

on a big

them

remained.

directly

in D.C.

see

Masai

it

earlier

us

to

imagining

Mara,

The

who brought

brother

to

night,

flight.

fidgeted

and the

a deep-voiced

A week

an earlier

I thought,

and one by one we made our

song,

waiting

booklets,

courage,
decent

well.

die,

in Kariakor

restless

as

tourist

was that
Honest,

from Masai

town.

appeared

way onto

surprise,

in

back

no less

to

sing

clear

the

And

determination

plaintive
the

spirit.

Wilkersons

in

their

the

Walking

John's

that

I saw a courage
the

over

and myself

I vaguely

thoughts.

understand
upwards,

that

knew

around

and

began

way to bed,

scene

my own noisy

in

needed.

ambitions,
The fire

and

Maybe it

most desparately

through.

suspected.

passed

visitors.

attainable

make of the

I thought

Auma,

courage,

to most

Africa

with

of

might

made me question

around

John,

kind

invisible

amused,

hardness,

as I looked

admirable

be

what they

talk

by the
Auma and

news,

said

as

every

minute

away

duty.

But

Auma,

if
of

that

we were

still

stiff

taking

from

her

time

"Don't

kitchen,

the
and

set

the

table

the

rush,

said

were

stirring

to

past

Bernard.

two days,

"Roy just

hadn't

seen

a better

cleaning

to

he
us

flung

insisted

likes

on

to make

the

over

him since

the

and

room,

adults.

sat

his

back

scene.

offered

he moved to

children

an

each

center

spread

of the

Like
us

the

younger

legs

of

out

in

sofa,

nodding

sultan

holding

a hug.

States,

the

chopping

yams,

And in the

Roy,

the

In

we arrived.
and

living

along

watched

when

collards

In the

sodas

arms

as

a hubbub

by admirers,

his

waved

in

ugali.

or served

approval
he

Auma,

stepped

back

who

to

get

look.

"You've
"Fat,
He turned

become
eh?"

other

English.

the

had the

beer

in

hand,

"This

said.

"A man needs

kitchen.

"The

is

the

words

fell

a man-sized

food

smells

with

from his

smiling
eldest

bright

red

him.

Kazia's

mouth

happily.

woman whom I had

arm around
the

she

appetite."

ready!

Where's

beer?"

Another
breasted,

so fat!"

Roy laughed.

towards

No sooner

into

the

bath.

was

women

him,

court,

her

she

surrounded

of

with

a long

apartment

chicken

that

in tents

seem so dramatic."

Jane's

with

with

worry,"

everything

front

sleeping

"Barry,"

son.

Head of the

never

seen

lipstick,
smile

than

before,

Kazia
she

came up
said

family."
plump

siddled

up beside

subsided,

and she

and heavyRoy and put

drifted

kitchen.

"Baby,"

the

woman said

to

Roy,

"do you have

in

the

cigarettes?"

back

"Yeah,
"Have

hold

on ... "

Roy patted

you met my brother,

remember

"Right

Barack,

pockets

this

is

carefully.

Amy.

And you

Auma corrected.
...

a long

puffs

Barack?

shirt

Rita ... "

"Auma,"

took

his

of

Roy found

11

drag

and

leaned

she

spoke.

smoke as

"Ofcourse

the

I remember

cigarettes
forward

Rita ...

and lit
towards

one for

Auma,

Amy.

exhaling

Amy
round

11

"Auma."
"You look
Really,
went

it's
to

wonderful!

the

dinner

spooning

table

Schuma-wiki!

off

children

two

volume.

with

satisfaction.

since

my visit.
After

It

dinner,

while

Auma and

plans.

He was going

selling

Kenyan

festivals,

in

things

shows,

at

plate.

that

the

our

the

collards

on

before

! " he hollered,

words

and
at

the

a more

and

Kazia

I had

seen

any

of

aunts

wash

up,

Roy sat

he had

States.

"Chondos.

are

big

there!

specialty

chapatis

aunts

the

African

hair.
and Roy

Bernard

Roy's

an import-export

over

three

cake.

happiest

Amy helped

your

bottle,

"Ugali

repeating

table,

the

start

Roy's

to

a plate.

corn-meal

announced

to

curios

These
art

I and

his

the

done

as he dropped

step,

was

for

shouted

of

every

Around

between

carvings.

onto

wedges

his

you've

himself

he

11

heap

big

followed

tentative

grab
lustily

11

a steaming

cutting

to

he exclaimed

plate.

what

Amy reached

so ... natural!"

"Chapos!"
his

I like

stores.

come back
company,
Fabrics.
You sell
I already

beamed
them

with

big

he said,
Wood
them

at

bought

Bernard
then

nodded

turned

back

to

Roy smiled.

Auma studied

vaguely.
Roy.

"So what's

"Amy,"

the

her

younger

other

big

brother,

plan?"

he said.

"Amy?"

"Amy.

I'm

"What?

going

How long

marry

has

it

her."
been

"Two years.

Three.

"You haven't

had much time

"She's
Not like
nodded

an African

these

kitchen.

Taking

towards

the

Amy in

solemn

floor,

at

everybody!

African

about

with

he were

of his

arm,

it ... "
She understands

arguing
if

seat

their

being

up his

me.

men."
yanked

and headed

he lifted

Now that

who are

not

deliberation,
least

"Aggh!"
"The

think

as

out

one

matter?"

I know that!

then,

he jumped

To those

With

to

so her?"

Roy
by an

towards

bottle

the

of beer

ceiling.

"Listen,
toast!

and

you last

it

women, always

emphatically,
string,

since

What does

woman.

European

invisible

half

of

it

ancestors

must

we are

with

he

started

jumping
drink,"

all

us!

here,

And to
to

splashing

Auma shouted,

all

pour

a happy
his

over

back.

beer

Auma's

"What

Roy said

we must

are

have

ending!

"

onto

the

shoes.
you doing?"

cheerfully.

"It

is

the

way."
Auma grabbed

outdoors,

Roy!

so carelesst

a knapkin

"Don't

to wipe

Not in somebody's
Who will

Roy was about

hand.

to

worry,

to

clean
answer
don't

this

the

house!

Jane

off

I swear,

up now?

when Jane
worry!"

beer

her

legs.

sometimes

"That's
you' re

You?"

rushed

up with

a rag

in her

said,

bending

down to wipe

up the

floor.
It

had

dancing

at

ahead

"We are

of

been

happy

decided

a nearby
the

just

that

club.

others,

to have

after

heard

one home ... "

dinner

As Auma and

this

her

we would

I headed

muttering

to

all

go out

down the

stairs

herself

in

the

Have

you

darkness.
"You
noticed

Obama men

how they

do no wrong.
has

popped

against

Like

they

she's

But

Auma opened

the

They

building,
arms
Auma's

had

Roy's

spread

softened,

"Yah,

it's

how he is
me.

with

Square

from

the

when we arrived,
clientele

not

were

because

he's

door

really

his
He's

feel

turned

almost

humid
all

the

into
fault,

always

is.

African,

the

of the

apartment

a tree,
of

his

smile.

I suppose,"

she

his
aunts.

said.

more of a family

be a low-roofed,

"You
person

him."

Hotel.
thick

Because_

rest

a reluctant

been

they

own good."

the

shoulders

out

air

his

like

with

to

No.

of

others

nothing

When they're

at

shadows

that

Abongo --

for

judged

Inter-Continental
the

I have

back

the

he can

an idea

him?

it's

the

over

broke

just

he

to

looked

over

branches

is

lonely.

if

from

towering

concerned,

My mum, Jane,

even

emerged

them.

This

anything

and

are

as

worse.

him,

then

They don't

Garden
across

like

Amy.

say

anything!

as they

irresponsible

offend

just

with

with

other

car

away

As far

they

figure

out

face

as

will
to

get

thing
head

so afraid

family.

than

this

make each

this.

they're

you
him?

his

Amy, but

know

see

treat

into

together,

--

with
an older,

It

was

dimly-lit

place

already

packed

cigarette
after-work

smoke.
crowd

The
of

clerks,

secretaries,

around

wobbly

glowed

dully

pushed

together

waiter

took

government

formica
in the

collecting

two empty

tables

away from the

orders.

Auma sat

Roy tells

two

gathered

bottles

chess
small
to

are

them

beer

over-sized

down next

me you

of

empty

like

Amy.

hazy

all

light,

our

"So,

tables,

workers,

that

pieces.

We

stage,

and the

about

getting

Amy.

thinking

married."
"Yes,
down,

isn't

he says

it
I can

"You don't
"Other

worry

Rita,

Roy's

as if

the

conversation

sheen

of

too

is

people
you say,

that!"

and looked
concern

and
if

at

"

Roy.

"I

She swung her

me well,

raised

tell

him.

at

tell

you

fleshy

arm

he can do what

been

Garden

to

eyebrows

then

I have
I am the

the

other

tables,

Both he and Amy had the

sneak

her

you that

around

I saw Jane

she'd

somewhere,

will

at

an anxious
Square

look

before.

my impertinence.

been

to that

champion

at

"If

place.

dancer.

These
What do

Auna?"

Abongo

partner?

Abongo

dancing

"Abongo's

auntie

I mean ...

as he treats

didn't

Abongo

here

face

many beers,

I asked

there

apart.

baby?"

a poker

"Me?"

When he settles

him in America."

and winked

about

"As long

Right,

Kazia.

being

care

so much fun!

with

Amy laughed

I don't

Roy kept

stay

about

shoulder.

he likes.

He's

come to

women?"

honestly,
over

wonderful!

can

the

best."

tilted
dance!

Your father.

her

head

And you
Yes!

proudly.
want

to

Barack,

"I

tell

you,

know who was

he really

loved

Barry,

always

your

my best

to dance.

We

entered
will

many contests
tell

you

this

come home to

Alego

had

that

promised

don't

remember

went

out

This

is

Barack

before

old

they

father,

the

Barack,

and I'm

dance

to

man's

grandfather.

for

He

the

old

man --

doing

his

work,

instead

and take

her

dancing.

You remember,

I wanted

to

married.

I'll

was when he had

your

of

fact,

go with

I
he

Kazia?

them,

but

young.

to

that

night,

sneak

Kazia

and heard
hearing

come.

house,

was very

keen.

angry

happened

next,

comes
word,

And I'm

because

still

at

into

footsteps

a single

Hmmmph!

and Barack

their

So Barack

saying

Hmmmph!

old

with

In

but

his

not

It

do some chore

He tried

man,

dancing.

visit

came home late

Barack

bull.

to

young.

--

awake,

who is

angry
of

they

his
to

was

I was too

an old
for

about

were

may beers.

as

shouts

it

Kazia

man was still

Even

when we were

one time,

what

"Anyway,
few too

story

evening

to meet

said

together

I'm

but

in,

and

snorting

the
not

away,

looks

through
old

he

at

his

like
the

an

window

man will

letting

the

compound.

So right

peeking

for

hut,

in the

just

sure

Barack

his

had had a

cane

me go to the

hall.
"What

apologizing

for

grandfather's
turned

home

late,

phonograph

and

started

and shouted
Immediately

refuse.

And that's

dancing

around

couldn't

coming

here!'

dance,

and

in a palace

to Kazia,

Barack
to

came

when Barack
in

ballroom.

the

Instead

walked

play

who had stayed

Kazia

around

believe.

a record!

outside.

the

house,

too

took

her

in his

arms

man's

to

your

Then

'Woman!

into

old

over

of

house,

frightened
and began
as

if

he

Come
to
to

he were

"Well,
Barack.

no

one

I was sure

severely.

For a long

sat

there,

watching

out

even

louder

my mum, the

her

man was
the

than

for

time,

that

the

two

other

as

all

four

very

now they

his

of

serious,

were

He just
he

sure

of

own hut,

where

My mum shook
but

the

old

dancing

in

women looking

at

were

the

away

was shouting,

her,

them

that

shouted

And right

hand.

make a fool

soon

nothing.

an elephant,

out

even

be beaten

why everyone

up and held

not

must

in from her

She asked

that

Barack

Come here!'

rushes

he would

way,

said

like

'Woman!

men looking

if

thing,

Then,

Granny,

stood

so determined

this

this

grandfather

son.

clothes.

said

grandfather

your

Barack.

mending

and

hut,

each

now that

his

grandfather

head,

your

one you call

she had been

and your

treated

their

husbands

were

crazy."
We all
everyone.
before

or

could

positions
nine

men in

pop-eyed
chin.

ask

on stage.
ordinary

man with

they

Abongo more about

we noticed

that

They looked

a bit

of hair
struck

their

and

people

slender

and men in three-piece

Abongo

grabbed

Bernard's,
and

my

hand,

and we soon
rumps

swaying

hipped
suits,

and

we were
softly,

all

for

taken

first,

singer
his

but
up

eight
a short,

lower

lip

and

though,

the

place

dance-floor,

poured

onto

the

young

men,

women in African

took
dancing

tall,

had
at

lead

note,

stepping

Roy

band

between

first

round

grandfather,

ragged

the

growing

another

our

the

clothes,

Immediately,

buxom mothers

and Roy ordered

street

a tuft

The moment

prints

hips

to

story,

answer,

was transformed.
big,

at the

I started
she

their

laughed

to the
Auma's,
into

ink-black

soukous
and

a sweat,
Luos

beat.

Amy took
arms
and

and

short,

brown

Kikuyus,

shouting,
to

do

a chorus
a

slow,

brother's
that

Kamba and
to

dance,

After

three

band.

turn

back

all

same
four
our

The cool

air

tickled

my nose,

to

"You know it.

"No,
and

Auma.

as

then,

to

see

two

smaller

appeared

to

took

a step
"Mind
"But
"They

it's

to

like

forward,
your
--

to

to

face

the

years

back

in

ago,

Roy and

I both

the

open

I felt

head

at

her

same look
Toot

and

taught

relinquished

courtyard

a bit

and

his

Old Man had first

pleasure.

into

it.

just

It's

our

out

back.

tipsy.

sipping

good

to

his

be here,

beer.
with

you

"

crashed

to

the

far

down onto

the

a cut
himself
but

I saw in his

He laughed,

the

floor

side

of

on his
from

own business,

behind
the

ground.
head;

the

Roy pulled

us.

We turned

courtyard,

pushing

With

one hand,

the

man

with

his

arm,

he

swings

of

free

a billy

club.

me back.

brother."

"

may be police.

By now,
trying

shield

over

laughing

simple

and

smiling

I said.

we ...

covering

arms

who was

a poet."

men at

man,

be

trying

if

a bottle

another,

was

I mean

It's

Just
around

Like

really,

of

beers

be here,"

his

when the

numbers,

carried

good

then

look

and

"It's

Auma,

those

partners

everyone

Roy threw

in Hawaii,

that
or

Kalinjin,

around

from

apartment

me how to

and

and right

remembered

Gramp's

the

funky

silliness,
I

Meru

spend
the

protect

a night

man on the
himself

I tell
in

you,

a Nairobi

ground
from

Barack,

ll

know what

jail."

had curled
the

you don't

increasingly

up into

a tight

haphazard

ball,
kicks.

Then,

like

jumped
over

a hunted

to

his

the

giving

animal

feet

wooden

chase,

and

them

noticed

of

them

sauntered

His

Roy and
back

was

"Yah,

well ... you

the

a opening,
one

I,

of

but

man suddenly

tables

to

momentarily

that

said

the

the

assailants
decided

it

thought

wasn't

nothing,

scramble

worth

of

it.

One

and

together

the

feeling

very

sober.

guy did

first."

two

inside.

terrible,"

rubbed

off

apparently

"That

sprang

fence.

but

of

who senses

I said,
don't

back

suddenly

know what

of

the

my neck.

other
"When

were

you

in

of

the

jail,

anyway?"
Roy took
chairs.

"The
I sat

out

another

to

taken

night

to

a nearby

club,

to

and

had

come up and

was

the

and

alone.
his

fell

until

David
the

broke

the

in
finally

started

out.

but

grabbed

so
and

managed
David

talking.

had

they
left

to get
said,

taken

there

the

in to

see

and

I can

him.

woman

Roy didn't

for

several
Give

go get

the

he

leave

the

be
man

The

man to

down to

alone

to

another

arm.

and

him

He had

The man said

by the

came,

Roy's

seemed

long

face.

Roy told

took

She

before

her

The police

a cell,

They had

up in Roy's

ground.

papers,

motorcycle,
No.

to

metal

They had gone

Roy had met a woman.

a beer,

and

one

story.

of a party.

getting

husband,

identification
thrown

her

into

me the

and there
they

fell

11

search

bought

started

A fight

He was

to

her,

woman's

and

him and he told

in

he had

struggled

died.

he said,

a fancy

interested,

of beer

David

down beside

drink,

motorcycle

swig

her
have

station.
hours,

me the
papers.

keys

You can't
Roy

stopped

oversized
"It

and

to

waist

off

it

it

the

to
and

the
not

Give

me the

keys ...

We sat

and

stared

at

lattice
I said

say anything

slurring

to

night.

the

shadows,

fence.
finally.

"It

wasn't

your

fault.

go."

you two!

I started

the

faint

I could

voice

"Hey,

tipping

all

talking.

let

Before
her

here

was an accident,"

You need

us,

stay

slightly
We've

wave
ground.
looking

her

been
off,

else,
over

the

looking
but

"Come on,
back.

I heard

Amy hollering

music.
all

over

Roy jerked
woman,"

"Let's

behind

for
out

he said,

dance."

you!"
of

his

taking

chair,
her

by

Chapter

At
old

five-thirty

Nairobi

decided

train

to

stay

Kazia,

Abongo,

in

next.

the

luggage,

in

evening,

station,
back,

our

heading

but

the

train

west

rest

of

While

behind

everyone

busied

open

a window

line

of track

u~A-

rumbled

for

the

Roy,

that

was

with

out

at

the
had

on board

--

and myself

storing

the

had ushered

of

Jane

Bernard

themselves

and looked

out

Kisumu.

family

and Auma in one compartment,

I jiggled

tracks

the

their

curve

Kenya's

of the
colonial

history.
At the

time

engineering
hundred

as

of Lake

well

as

the
the

no passengers

could

be help

coffee

and

could

extend

continent.

~895,

white

land
seemed

the

year

was the

single

largest

of

British

Empire

--

the

far

as

Ocean

five

to the

years

imported
British

costs

the

of

the

the

the

the

necessity

took

did

defray

newcomers;

Indian

hundred

settlers;

And missions,

unknown
It

to help

the
as

several

was finished

lure

tea;

history

railway

The project
of

line

for

the

from Mombasa on the

lives

were

push

the

Victoria.

after

the

in

long,

Only

so

was built,

effort
miles

shores

it

complete,

Indian

workers.

of their

consolidation
of

into

the

churches,

to

vanquish

history,

all

that

there

conceits.

And

of

lands

that

cash

crops

like

an administrative

tracks,

eastern

to

realize

cultivation

six-

apparatus
heart

of
the

that

an unknown

fear

that

an

produced.
like

ancient

the

first

::ear of my grandfather's

steel

beams

birth.

It

this.

were

was the

laid,
lands

And yet

I knew that

had

been

also

of that

the

same man,

Hussein

Onyango,

history

of this

tried

officer
his

train

to

imagine

might

have

gas-lit

Would

he

have

African

darkness?

felt

the

people

to

imagine

the

watching

village

for

envy,

the

imagining

Englishman

shuddered

the

time.

landscape,

markets,
back,
yanked

tell

foothills

bush

me,
but

and heard

Kazia's

crept

into
I

roof-tops

Passing
boys

voice

of

wave to the

behind

the

car

his
with

where

the

Or would

he

mind?
to

the

present

stretching

slum's

train-cars.

me, speaking

glass

train

of Mathare,

one

passing

eased?

returned

that

the

at the

his

the

dreams?

of

the

somehow

the

folly;

smoke

in

bush.

a sudden

of

side

looked

in

that

European

black

sitting

and

the

beyond.

I saw a row of small

open-air
I waved

in Luo.

Bernard

on my shirt.
"She

throw

failed

no longer

the

of ruin

as he sat

penetrated

an act

other

and

days

British

of forbodding,

Would he have
day

my reach.

confidence

outlast
the

made the

of receding

finally

was

steel

of his

as visions

a sense

on

voyage,

miles

had

finally

one

load

My imagination

over

enterprise

of

some

maiden

he feel

would

himself

sat,

nameless

civilization

snake

first

that

triumph,

African,

this

within

out

of

The thought

me somehow,

train's

sense

entire

and its

window,

for

and looked

land

tried

into

on the

or would

that

now headed.

sensations

of Western

realization

have

the

felt

light

we were

come alive

compartment

guiding

this

to which

says

stones

you should
at

you."

One of the

train's

us that

food

service

keep

crew

your

head

came in to

had started,

inside.

take

our

Those

bedding

and so we all

went

boys

will

order

and

into

the

dining

car

and

faded

elegance

still

intact

The

food

the

end

found
--

of

the

last

from

bit

"All

night

there

--

"By the

house

fine,

will

it

sauce

way,"

does

"It's

something

in

home.

the

that

hours,
to me,

lighting

the

kids

in

house
were

biggest

Nairobi

in

your

Nairobi.
people

minister

or

country.

He may only

go there

ask

him were

he is

to

by

wiping

or matatu

"it's

he will

we were
Al ego,

at
it

tell

school
was

say,"

not

home

there's

a year.
that

wanted

twice

this

a small

once

to

hut
tell

over,

your

ancestral

thinks

only

you that
and

Auma said.

Your

businessman

in the

from,

to

come from.

land

going

a bus

And then

and build

were

I asked,

a cigarette,

use

in Nairobi,

when

and

maybe."

a mansion

So,

cold,

"We' 11 take

He may have

home.

served

matched.

mean?"

ordinary

the

beer

fixtures

perfectly

to Home Square?"

Auma said.

five

country,

Even

not

brass

Home Squared."

"What

your

the

and

of

my plate.

Roy said

It's

but

was a picture

content.

to get

off

another

and

feeling

take

paneling

real,

though,

I was

The car

wood

silver

to Kisumu,"

Home Square.

"There's

the

meal

of

a table.

original

dull,

just

"How long
the

the

but

was

ourselves

way.

hut

on his

But

if

is

his

you
true

somebody

you

see.

we
Home

squared."
Auma leaned
train

on the

You remember,
It

is

back

tracks.
Roy,

so beautiful,

in her
"This

seat

and listened

train

how much we use

Barack!

Not at

brings
to

look

all

like

to the
back

so

forward
Nairobi.

rhythm
many
to

of the

memories.

going

home?

And Granny

she's

so much fun!

a good

sense

"She
with

the

Oh, you will

had

"Who's

to

have
for

the

china,

like

wrong

his

fork

head

know.

at

--

you,

Abongo

of

humor,"

we use

to

Roy said,

call

our

pow!

waved

them

aay!

if

something

strict

even

If

you

said

He would

hit

you with

their

hesitation

only

his

hands

"living

grandfather.

Abongo

shook

anything
you

in

If

before

someone

the

one wrong

old

they

farmer.

He had

his

they

next

day ... "

don't

When he was
But still,
day!

house,

broke

used

He was
he would

custom,

he would

like

have

no

adults."
popular,"

studied
for

I said.

he

His

He had

When he worked

him all

on

Sometimes

you children

who was older,

"Actually,

area.

the

He

food
or

stick.

His-pet.

from

But if

the

thing,

and weak.

came to

Even the

head.

his

"Ah,

hide

he was real

a good

grow.
see.

I would

honor.

her

and serve

you know.

in their

like

he was such
biggest

favorite,

guy was mean!

know why until

when he was

them.

sound

dinner,

unimpressed.

guests.

in hitting

"Doesn't

even

off,

wrong,

many chickens

washing

for

I was his

with

"Wow, that

table

you wouldn't

younger,
I did

and laughed.
the

You knew him

British,

sense

what

an Englishman.

when he hit

make

a good

"That's

make you sit

of the

such

he was so mean."

would

because

She has

Terror?"

Roy shook

kill

Barack.

so long."

Auma smiled.

the

her,

of humor."

Terror

Because

like

was

compound

such

a green

these
them

well

respected,

in Alego
thumb,

techniques
as a cook."

was one
he could
from

the

"I

didn't

know he was a cook."

"He had his

mzungus

in

During

but

Nairobi.

the
Roy

lands,

World

for

a long

He worked

War,

ordered

for

he served

another

time
some

very

a captain

beer.

"Maybe

he was a cook

for

important

in the

people.

British

that's

what

the

Army."

made

him

so

mean."
Abongo
always
story

shook

that

way --

pass

your

grandfather

free

to pass

your

goat

and

told
through

will

"Well,

grandfather,

the

goat

would

do

finally

That's

he called

him the
nan,

'See

didn't

this

man

I will

a young

on

to

you

are

But today,

tell

girl.

Once,

other
walk

was

you

on a leash.

the

want
'If

my father

alone,

He wanted
of

the

way.

you

you cannot

a man

side

all

one

are

your
So

always

pass,

because

not

listen.

no

that

harm.

called

he would

This

me over

his

He argued

panga,

man

and

for

a long

time

and

that

be careful,
talked

said,

so

'Go bring

much,

your

me Alego.'

you see--"

machete."

"Yes,

The other

fair.

a goat

1 i ved

saying

grandfather

He would

he

man would

your

"His

he

I think

my plants.'

with

what

with

my land.

eat

this

But

compound

because

land,

know.

when I was only

of our

through,

"I don't

strict.

from

edge

grandfather's

head.

very

I remember,

came to the
to

her

his
rub

machete.
them

on a stone

he called

Kogelo.

one he called
here

--

He had two that

Alego.

I have

already

all

day.

So I ran

he kept
One panga
back

And now your

told

to

his

very,

he called
hut

grandfather

you that

very

you should

sharp.
Alego.

and brought
tells
not

this
pass,

but

you

with

are

too

you.

harmed

You can

--

then

if

this

I will

"Well,
this

stubborn

man must

cut

to walk,

following

closely

goat

The

one

when

knew

shocked,

have

man,

for

leaf

is

of my plants

his

panga,

the

council
death
his

goat's

of

the

goat

grandfather

was

right,

shook

her

had

'Aaiieey!
'

I will

do

know that

my

tried

to

send

because

sue

all

such

to

And your

I say

The elders

him

your

felt

a small

the

when

through.

out.

people

man

Then -

clean

'If

was not

they

steps

Onyango.

and said

a goat

story,

cry

old

a leaf.

head

to

of elders.
of

twenty
at

how _will

owner

offer.

me and the

Hussein

Otherwise

I knew that

my father's

maybe

s~arted

now,

the

the

heard

your

one

time,

nibbling

the

done

do it.

the

in front,

walked

of
and

off

Later,

they

that

you

wiped

before

But

goat

cut

grandfather
the

man and his

side

at

he accepted

My dad

true?'

for

because

and started

I must

even

of one leaf

young

neck

just

is

I was very

its

grandfather

if

make a bargain

down also.'

the

was

But

one half

out

What

word

it

even

goat.

We had

something,

your

eats

though

goat-owner

Aaiieey

with

So now I will

behind.

stuck

- Whoosh!

listen.

be so stupid,

We began

the

pass
goat

even

to

pity
thing.

away.

They

man had

been

warned."
Auma looked

at

swear,

sometimes

started

with

him.

Old Man really

By this
pacing

back

me and
think
He is

worried
time,

and forth

the

that
the

the

only

about.
dining
impatiently,

head.

"Can you

problems

in

person

whose

The only

person

car

had

emptied

so we all

this

opinion

imagine?

family

all

I think

the

he feared."
and

decided

the

waiter

to turn

was
in for

bed.

The bunks

and

stayed

train

and

stories

up
the

And yet

to

a clear

get
I

late,

breath

beyond
fix

front

of

the

But

people

were

I passed.

as

tripping

I couldn't

run

wearing

night,
only

time,

and my entire

as

I were

if

me,

stuck

evened

Panting

for

breath,

a giant

I heard
body

out

began

We arrived

but

the

It

was

played

to

me as
that

the

their

and started

to

run

into

until

at

last

I turned

around

looming

as tall

middle
to

as the

mask.

The

voice

saying

violently

huts

of a

see

with

the

the

trees,

lifeless
that

as

eyes
it

was

sound,

...
hitting

bunk.

I couldn't

in Kisumu

into

in the

shake

along

noticed

my knees

a ghostly

to

to

and vines,

a thunderous

apart

above

to

figure

and

up in a sweat,

itself,

bus-depot.

and

breaking

I jerked
that

fell

life.

of beads,

rushing

and stumps

seem

of his

men waved

I began

the

Auma had

walking

strings

the

about

I couldn't

was

old

of

him,

pattern

of a leopard,

and

a loin-cloth

into

in

me fearfully,

longer,

with

several

rhythym

manners,

dreamnt
only

and inviting,

thinking

or the

roots

cool

started

along,

growl

and

bored

all

over

any

clearing.

day turned

further

the

trembling

of his

and

behind

I heard

had

and

huts,

I went

the

my brothers,

dressed

round

were

character,

asleep,

looking

forest,

bright

on his

sheets

to

harshness

Children,

of

the

It

the

fell

road.

passed.

the

but

listening

even

finally

village

the

narrow,

of my grandfather.

said.

in

were

my head
In

get

the

back

at day-break,
already

crowded
]_

against

darkness,
to

wall-lamp

my heart

sleep

slowly

again.

and walked
when

the

the

we got

half-mile
there,

to
with

buses
air

and matatus
lot,

their

Baby.

painted

our

way through

vehicle

way.

with

Auma boarded

first,

"Don't

worry,"

Roy said

the

of the

turned

to
to

the

seats,

no seats,"

roof
young

eh,

else's

baby

Auma's

skirt,
"I

girl
and

replaced
Njaro,
watching

low

appeared

matatu

struggled

spilled
smile,

into
and

and Bush
finding

that

out

was

shaking

heading

her

head.

were

hoisted

is Africa,

up a series

not

fares.

Europe.

"You can

"

He

find

us

elbow

the

first

highway

the

like,"

out

of

her

face.

"You won't

the

landscape

cinder

conical

block

be

roofs.

we got

each

other

in the

dust,

until

the

incline,

dirt
and

shoeless
drank

road

beside

heading

brush

children

mostly

house

warm

a few

on

I said.

on

a rocky

someone

drooled

sipping

us over

goats

The baby

hours

take

of

with

two

to

a herd

class."

along

yams.

occasional

at

path;

first

pot-hole."

snap

up

of

thatch,

next

is

was well-paved,

the
with

bus

on my lap,

looks

dogs

our

This

laugh.

class

hills,

spent

finally

bags

basket

a strange

the

stray

our

"This

to

third

by mud huts
and

tires

came back

bus.

a hefty

we hit

and

Love Bandit

open-

said.

as

I started

what

Fortunately,
bush

dusty

we finally

cracked

Auma was sitting

and

Auma pushed

dry

like

crowds,

"No problem.

later,

after

she

in the

brother?"

wonder

laughing

the

space

man who was collecting

The man nodded.

An hour

names

then

are

for

with

balding,

"There

of hands

some

and jocking

fenders

Jostling

sad-looking
our

honking

and
waved

a narrow

soon
off

sodas

in
and

a matatu
north.

wild
but

stream.

The
flowers

did

not

Until

finally

the

road,

road

where

As soon
jumped

two young

as

the

out

Yusef,

the

mustache.
is

our

he

father's

and

shook

this

one.
"I'm

fine,

from

the

Sayid
own bags,

let

car

this

his

the

main

to a large

road,
compound.

corrugated-iron

one

side,

bougenvillia
along

one

Across
ware

the
pots,

I could
behind

In its

see
the

side

in

the

packed

earth

where

a few

house,

the

a tree.
and Roy

to me.
man

larger

"This
with

man,

They both
many

pink

"this

in the
by tall

my hand

things

about

helped

his
the

of

a low,

our

carry

his

grass

and

rectangular

with

a large

in

perpendicular

had

crumbled

an
yard

mango trees,

lined

flowers,

spread

water
with

alternating
that

on

A huge

concrete
hut

came

house,

underneath.

yellow

round

wide

pull

day."

hedges

that

base

pecked

next

running

walls

and

guest

of tall

stood

mud

us

much."

a wall

was a small
chickens

took

great

driver

leave

concrete

direction

enclosed

to

down a path

brown

and

two more huts

built

to

center
and

the
red

slightly

the

we crossed

roof

bush,

hugs.

bring

and sayid

revealing

into

said.

as

be sure

until

both

"When a man lets

will

Yusef

smiles,

turning

of

bags."

didn't

head.

guest

with

"I

into

heard

your

I said

roof.

shook

We followed
to

"We have

really,"

broke

he said,

Sayid

us have

shade

the

Sayid."

welcome,"

profusely.

beside

the

pointing

brother,

a clearing

under

them

the

he said,

Barry,

Come,

gather

pointing

youngest

it

faces

our uncles,"

said,

at

sitting

their
to

are

"And this,"

"Welcome,

bags

men were

matatu

these

11

and we stopped

men saw us,

of

"Barack,
is

widened,

tank.

earthenrhythm.

stretched

and beside

out

one hut,

a pair

of bony

red

cows

looked

up at

us before

returning

to

feed.

Horne Squared.
"Eh,
of

the

Obama!"

main

flowered
with

house,

skirt.

drying

laughing

of sweat

scarf.

shining

She hugged

ground,

woman with
her

She had a face

sparkling,

lines

A big

then

eyes

Roy as

turned

like

me

the

Sayid's,

grey

she

on her

on

above

her

if

to

hands

set

where

a scarf

were

and

base
smooth

high

hair

head

cheek

poked

going

grabbed

sides

bones,

her

boned,

and a few

from under

wrestle

my

out

of

and big

out

to

strode

the

him to

hand

in

the

hearty

handshake.
"Halo!"

she

"Oriti!"
She
drearnnt

laughed,

happiness

meeting

that

couch,

this

you've

through

Aurna.

son of her

brought

me into

furnished
small

walls

diploma.

--

son.

her.

She

were

that

various

Photographs

America

let

young

woman with

young

girl

chair.

led

11

She

says

She says

it

she
is

says

that

us into

the

house.

a coffee

table,

of

ago

yellowing

beside

of the

artifacts.

years

smoldering

chairs,

in little

of him and

two older,

standing

then

family

twenty-five

were

back

a hug,

a few wooden

windows

these

high

spoke

had

a great

now you

have

come home."

sparsely

for

in Luo.
then

She pulled

the

in English.

I said

about

finally

said

The

Omar,
and

her;

a plump
the

The man was dressed

the

second,
in

Old

come
the

of

light.

Harvard

back.

left

Beside
of a tall

in

her

an older

a starched

On

who had

first,

infant

was

a worn

Man's

uncle

never

photographs:
eyes,

afternoon

It

shirt

lap,

man in

and

changa~
lap

his

legs

was what

animal
face

like

an Englishman,

to be some sort

With

an almost

other

crossed

appeared

skins.

"That's
our

were

his

high

oriental
him.

his

head

wrapped

and narrow

eyes

giving

his

Auma came up beside

me.
picture

is

The baby,

the

grandfather.

grandmother,

across

its

cheekbones

cast.

our

of club,

but

Akumu.

The woman in
The girl

is

the

Sarah.

in

Old Man."
I noticed
those
a

one last

soft-focused,

white

Victorian

woman

"What's

with

this

is

people

thick

doing

Auma turned
that

to

We sat

with

children
the

filtering
hadn't

roof

our

the

the

anything

him,

and I had to say

tray

of cups.

For the

and

old

one of

Coca-Cola

slightly

ads,

dreamy

eyes.

and

could

income
Her

she

metal

first

She grunted
time

since
11

war."

brother?"

made us

--

a strand
the

She asked

and stood
her

work

real

and

arrival,

some tea.

away some of the

by selling

to

from Omar in a year.

no.

He told

eh,

not

only

pointed

corrugated

that

my mother.

Yusef

school.
--

Burmese,

she had given

lost

says

wives.

room and Granny

she

"She

when he was in the

very

like

were well:

house

Luo.

grandfather's

look

living

nearby

in

in Burma,

made up the

of the

through
heard

the

she

at

of

She looked

since

but

actually,

grace

who answered

her

things

relatives,

that

hair

doesn't

my head.

that

themselves,
the

"She

down in

She explained
to

one

he had married

I shook

land

dark

print,

here."

of

Roy laughed.

a colored
models

Granny,

a picture
that

picture,

up,

it

all

by

lunches

to

problems

were

of sun-light
fact
if

that

I had seen

picking
her

she

up the

age showed

on her

face.
"She

nothing

says

from

when

him.

Everyone

you

Only

fell

into

the

the

foot

of a mango trees,

out

of

of the
was

backyard.

graves:

covered

away

At the

edge

coffins.

Hussein

Onyango

Obama,

the

bathroom

marker

a train

of

that

him

come visit
for

rectangles

b.

his

mother."

me to

follow

him

field,

at

corn

d.

with

jutting

1980.

a bare

along

the

on one

The other

space

Roy bent

been.

marched

wants

was a plaque

1895.

have

she

of cement,

There

tiles,

should

ants

tell

of a neighboring

I saw long

yellow

should

Roy gestured

exhumed

were

brushed

and

like

with

headstone

you

he should

silent,

earth

him,

that

out

the

see

on the
down

length

and

of the

grave.
"Six
to

say

make

years,"

who is
sure

heading

Roy said.

buried

that

back

it

here.
has

towards

How to
in

myself

joining

emotions

almost

Granny

and there's

still

you,

brother,

when

on

the

grave,"

he

of

that

day?

I can

by

frame.

nothing
I die,

said,

before

at

frame

the

afternoon

market,

dropped

us off,

now full

summon each

remember

Auma and

the

clearing

same

l,(.o.J...

where

the

straw

mats,

brown

legs

skirts;
pick

matatu5.:irst

the
stems

nutty-sweet

~iitlt-their
sticking
sound
off
taste

backs
straight

of their

collard

you

house.

the

my mind,

years,

I tell

my name

the

explain

moment

"Six

straight
out

laughter

greens

of a sugar-cane

that

in

of women who

as wood-posts,
front

of

as they
she's
stalk

them

watched

brought
that

their
from

one of the

on

smooth

under

me help
from

~
~

wide
Granny

Kisumu;

the

women put/

in

my

hand.

concentration

on my uncles'

mend a hole
~here's
th0

fence

afte:r:noorf,
his
his

banana

k~s

out

gra~he

-draws

her

knife

the
the

in

the

of his

reach,

the

from behind
neck;

wasn't

simply

joy

that

a sense

that

carried

beginning

to

close,

full

so that

in his

young

one hand
that
in

of

no school;

eyes

through
bird

when finally

and unceremoniously

I remember
of

every

my life;

finally

iir"

Granny

brow as the

each

I was doing,

I might

with

rooster

in his

we

whe appearG

black

look

as

property.

felt

weight

of the

staying

a big

a look

everything
the

is

the

sweat

is

with

our

th~re

d.

knot

leaves,

or eight,

where

as he chase?'

trees,

of
line

seven

a village

corn

smell

western

maybe

its

word,

of

Auma explains

glee

bird

faces,

across

It
Rather,

who

and papaya

flapping

Granny

rustle

~v,..~~

Godfre;(

lives

frantic

the

bounding

boy

family
I

remember

and

in the

a young.4:1amed

because

the

remember

as my own.

these

touch

moment.
and breath

that

a circle

recognize

myself

was
as

...(1u'.+-

was,

here,

now,

understanding
my life

camera,

leaving

Granny

Oriti!

pause,
she

picture,

she

of that

recognition,

too,

would~pass;

of wholeness,

nor

static,

from the
and

looked

and that
market,

alone
at

choices

Auma ran

in

me and

the

the

would

ahead

middle

of

that

always

to get
the

her

road.

smiled.

said.

I said.

Our mutual
dirt.

tidy

way back

a long

And as part

my..i!eeling

On our

Halo!

the

place.
~

that

was neither

~-

After

in~one

vocabulary

Granny
before

waited

speaking

exhausted,
until
again.

we stared

Auma returned

ruefully
and

had

down
snapped

at
her

--

they

take

on the

shape

of

The most

powerful

night

far

places.

Or hex

away

neighbors,

they

runners

around

tell

if

the

night

our

goats.

she

hind

was not

like

runner
the

with
baby

leg.

showed

me how to

arranged

like
It

animals.
and

If

are

fly

you

still

to

ask

many

it

quiet
low,

blankets

ourselves

even

our

night

out

panga,

just
it

was back

and

brought

it

for

the

it

stood

into

the

the

goat
to

deep
to

on its

into

the

into

the

strike

the

trees.

But

suffered

only

the

wound.

on

and when it

running

runner

back

check

compound,

I cared

for

it
a
and
that

health."

drifting

in our

began

and a twin-sized
narrow

to

jaws,

your

he heard

out

as he was about

jump,

and people

on the

night

flew

to

its

steal

Only

only

Luo before

the

a splint

again,

leopard,

in

would

I remember

and when he went

--

its

when I was young,

cattle.

in

a faint

I couldn't

They

our

goat

wore

lamp,

Barry,

One time,

chased
it

Abongo

kerosene

you,

a huge

cried

on

make

true!"

had a baby

catch

goat

until

grew
out

the

bodies

many problems.

pen,

Your grandfather

We became
lamp-light

all

a glance.

of the

took

their

his

not

of them.

it

did

broken

myself

to

their

there

me tell

they

grandfather

never

is

people

a man.

Your

night

only

light

looked

forest.
but

speak

leave

that

it

"Let

in

grandfather,

brought

if

afraid

bleating

saw your

goat

as

Sometimes

hills,

can

you

caused

he saw what

dropped

tell

was joking.

legs,

and

you with

flickering

runners

goats

them,

will

in the

grandfather
his

runners

You act

but

leopards,

here."

"Auma!
smile,

-~--------=====--=====----

drifting
cot

bed

own thoughts.

for

before

off
Bernard
blowing

to

Soon the
bed.

Granny

and I,
out

the

and we
lamp.

My body

ached

hear

the

murmur

gone

to,

and thought

tiles
the

from

exhaustion;

of her

States?

stories

future,
--

would

my mind,

buried

ambitions,

to

month,

when

what

grave.

Or would

Bernard's

Granny

sound

bedroom,

I wondered
had

said

Would I remember

the

the

of Granny's

to

where
me,

once
voice,

I could
Roy had

and yellow

I'd

returned

to

the

concern

for

to Abongo's
I took from listening
~~

.\-1,
slowly
Gref:>Jlike silt--ehe
the bottom of

pleasure

all

of it

beneath

more

resurface

a blue

Granny's

and Auma talking.

about

on my father's

inside

only

letter

immediate
at

priorities,

odd moments

arrived

in

the

in

more
a day,

mail,

or

eminent

a week,

I happened

a
to

~~

hear

a news

dispatc~I

Alego,

a year

learned

Luo.
"Barry,"

suspected

from

now,

Bernard

that

two years

whispered.

the

next

from

now,

I still

"Are

you awake?"

time

I came to

wouldn't

have

"Yeah."
"Did
"I

you believe

don't

"Myself,"
a night
stories

Abongo

told

you?

About

night

runners?"

know."
he finally

runner.
to

what

They

make people

said,
are

"I think

probably

there

just

is

thieves

no such

thing

who use

afraid."

"You may be right."

There

was a long

pause.

"Barry?"
"What?"
"What made you

finally

"I'm

Bernard.

not

sure,

come home?"
Something

told

me it

was time."

as

these

way we had
then

come.

crossed

through

compound.
yards

Most

of

packed

ground,

sorting

cloth.

We stopped

set

aside

She

remembered

men leave

refrain

about
them

shillings

she

occasional
only

women sat

across

square

and red

strips

said

canvass

and

--

they

how life

of
us to

sneakers.

shook
had

by

on the

and Say id introduced

shelling

her

the

awhile,

surrounded

huts,

dress

she

left

our

hands.

herded

goats

was treating

of liquor.

to

women,

As she

greet

us,

They

hardness

in a flat

men,

us. "

came up to

before

said

Only old

something
each

blue

for

her,

and

slowly.

has

the

some

huts,

Roy asked

passing

spread

been

father,

city.

bicycle

of

one of these

river

Granny's,

seed

she'd

the

of fields,

front

changed,"

the

followed

than

millet

peas

head

weal th

smelled

tide

then

we excused

an

old

picked

over.

ourselves

remain.

man with

a middle-aged

in Alego,

them

"The young

and children

spoke,

immediately

of life

voice.

man whose

up the

woman's

and asked

if

Roy

them

gave

and started

we might

back

few

towards

house.
"What's

ways.

In

have

breath

the

dirt.

our

for

the

rickety

give

smaller

at

us

set

were

the

her

"Things

All

another

as children.

shook

of

woman in a faded

She

together

rest

through

a middle-aged

she

The

happened

"There
Sayid

never

leaned
between

here,
use

to

Sayid?"
be such

down and cleared

had

fallen

the

rows

they

have

learned

this

back

fro::

!;airobi

or Kisumu

thing

Auma said

of

when we had walked

begging."
away a few broken

corn.

from
and tell

"You are

those

in the

them,

branches

right.
city.

You are

that

I believe
People

poor.

'

come
So now

you

have

this

You look

at

idea

something

but

it

is

the

same,

something,
but

It

here,

None of

it

gives
they

Sayid

shook

his

head.

"My brother,

he is

not

always

practicing

to me.

know what

he just

stays

if

he's

received

here

to

nodded.

unless

it

is

As we began
his

abolit
Youth

Corp,

development

without

on the

requires
of

hard

perhaps

with sweat."
~
to walk back to the
At the
said,

board

to

do

up."

he doing?"
like

a book,

but

well

for

he preaches."

was doing
the

really

university.

dropped

out,

small

chores

education

eh,

Then,
Sayid?

for

Now

her.

cannot

It's

do us much

that

for

of

various

very
young

for

young

his

businesses

"To get

Or you

heavily.

they

myself

that

three-year
two holidays

Nairobi,

these

know somebody.

men like

National

men assigned

his

last
in

a job

So if

in the

But

spent

to-tell-us

organization

country.

and he had

He said,
you

service

training
the

~of.
began

Sayid

he was working

government

around

an end,

house,

moment,

and technical

doors

some person
it's

doing

give

could

mixed

any success.

clerk,

to

much money,

succeed."

think

projects

was coming

knocking

to

"I

he

room,

Granny,

Anyone

to

He just

try

own life.

provided

stint

with

afraid

Sayid

a scholarship

happened.

pride.

he talks

Yusef

She has

her

what

before.

anything.

"What's

"You know,

idea

brings

prefer

Auma asked.

this

for

her

Yusef,"

I don't

coney,

you see.

ask

about

He even

palm

doing.

many people

a time.

to

is

have

never

"What

afraid

good

we didn't

She will

she

Auma turned

as

poverty.

my mother.

always

I'm

of

days,
must

don't

to progress.

so
even
grease

already
That's

far
as a
the
have
why

I would

like

mine."

He thought

for

think.

For

brilliance,

to

start

all

my own business.

his

I nodded,

a moment.

trying

to

"That

Something

small

was your

father's

he never

put

myself

had something

in

Sayid's

only.

But

error,
of his

shoes,

own."

unable

to

attend
been

university
too

had

low,

still

like
but

been

Still,

he

persistence

because

around

would

eventually

pay

this

business

with

They do not

listen

the

money they

are

eating

very

I read

The Nigerian
truth

about

the

same.

off

locusts
if

that

this

fight,

his

school

fees.

this

We must

case,

I believe.

it

always

was a Luo expression,

get

lawyers.

crow

and his

like

on with

meantime,
The lawyers

How does
the

is

beginning,

And in the

To the

that
wasting

It

From the

is

Old Man

no point

inheritence.

where?

the

am I correct?

thing.

had

certain

is

to me, though.

goes

nor

pay for

"There

grades

the

saying

who feasts."
face

broke

into

I must

admit

smile.

"We have
that

over

well

When two
I asked

is

fight

forget

his

circumstances,

have,

father's
to

lives.

an bashful

your

to

off.

we don't

my sisters

our

go?

what

his

because

grandfather

came time
by

about

told

when it

our

undaunted

worrying

I have

neither

seemed

time

Not

his.,tbrothers.

similar

this

particular

writer.

in Luo,

expression

I like

Africa's

his

predicament.

We share

When we got

expressions

back

more

to

in

books

actually

a book

very

divides

compound,

by Chinua

much.

The Nigerian,

than

the

but

Achebe.

He speaks
the

Kenyan

the
--

it

us."

we found

Granny

and

Roy

sitting

outside

He turned

the

out

to

be

stopped

by Granny's

chicken

stew

the

that

met.

to

lived

Auma said

and myself
change
began

she

the

Lake

back

dotted

night

Kendu Bay's

main

to pay their

there,

and

to

to

stay

wanted
to

fetch

them;

piled

into

After

thanking

the

direction,
of town
corn

and
had

to

greener

get

light.

off,

gully,

at the

Along

the

than

dusty

of

landscape

Alego,

but

At a fork

in

walking

bottom

of which

flowed

we could

jalopy

parked

fish

wicked

with
road,

along

women

were

baskets

pulling

down

sand-colored
side-by-side.

headed

again

still,

The huts

with

once

a wide,
see

its

and

lined

and

To the

highway.

streets.

the

Sayid

up a day's

we were

a matatu

the

but

s old

canoes

and

I hadn't

gathering

were

side

we began

bank,

Granny,

~arsh.

road

carts

and

river

but

we found

the

with

afternoon,

donkey

down a maze

brother

main

green

lake,

a wide,

principal,

rode

afternoon

the
By late

and

the

that

Kazia,

intermittently,

flat

the

respects-to

principal'

onte

enjoy

he,

the

and after

appear

into

from

disappeared,

fields,

fading

off

street,

matatus

to

Abo,

the

who had

and

and that

and talk

join

suit.

Roy explained

there,

yards.

where

before.

a ride

began

shops

outside

catch

ways

small

the

school,

Bay,

tapering

the

nearby

Kendu

we all

a good

man in a heavy

way to

Victoria

waters

the

from

bumping down the road.

Jl... to,J'?J-1- a.~
~ ~ ()"\'"'.,
We drove
through
Nj aro and

silver

us

of

news

from

volunteered

of clothes,

west,

set

share

over

to a portly

principal

was on his

planned

family

talking

the
to

left

principal

Bernard

house,

in the

Soon,

right

all

signs

open

pasture

heat

even

and
in

Roy signalled

a deep,

for

chalk-colored

chocolate-brown
slapping

the

wet

river.
clothes

against
the

exposed

patches

like

rock;

of yellow

lichen

against

and came to the

what

looked

something

earth.

Obama.

grandfather

was

a young

black,

white

We turned

pile

of goats
and roan

rocks

footpath

Kazia

and

on

markings

down a narrower
compound.

of

chewed

pointed

sticks,

to

and

said

Luo.

the

We are

a herd

of a hedged-in

Obama' s
All

above,

their

random

Roy in

grandfather.

still

the

like
to

grass,

entrance

"That's

the

on a terrace

grave,
land

Roy

11

around

here

Ja K' Obama -raised

man.

in

is

people

Alego,

He settled

explained.

here,

called

K'Obama.

of Obama.

but

he

Land of

Our great-great-

moved

here

his

children

and all

great-

"Our

when

he

was

were

born

here."
"If
to

all

our

people

were

here,

why did

our

grandfather

go back

Alego?"
Roy turned

Granny

that

along

question,"

with

living

his

He is

We came to
was sweeping
shirtless

her

eyes

slowly
young

of us,

fact,

old

now,

one
but

of

perhaps

yard.

Behind

her,

a young

our

reached

and

way.

up to

up against
began

to

Roy shook
greet

the

wave,
hands

brothers

a tall,

see

still

him."
woman

on the

porch,

The woman shaded

the

with

ask
get

is

handsome

man sat

wall.

to

he didn't

we will

and

the

young

man's

woman,

head

and

the

He hugged

all

us.

finally

came for

me,"

for

shirt.

"I

his

maybe
his

where

propped

"You have

think

house,

you people

then

"She

head.

wooden

forearm

man stood

In

her

a small

the

turned

"Eh,

Roy said.

very

back

her

who shook

brothers.

here.

his

Kaiia,

to

Abo said.

had

heard

you were

coming

with

get

Barry

so.long

ago!"

"Yah,

you know how it

is,"

Roy said.

"It

took

us a while

to

organized."
"I'm

only

glad

you

came now.

I need

to

go back

with

you to

Nairobi."
"You don't
"It's

like

so boring,

clubs.

These

Billy

hadn't

he's

to me with

bought

hands

with

for

same

have

gone

somewhere ... "

"So,

it?"

it.

No TV.

No

slow.

If

they

are

for

sure."

crazy

Abo waved
Barry.

his

hand

What have

vaguely

you brought

for ... what?

tell-tale
something

An element

of

and

That

look

redness
that

guardedness,

of

reminded
and

you,

to

over

Bernard

features.
could

that

caught

some

sort

me of

of

young

calculation.

in his
brand

smile
you."

and the

almost

shave

in Abo's
high,

The look

Abo's

as twins.
eyes.

but

men back

He

with

off

pass

and

two of

same height,

Just

and they
I'd

his
Thank

the

that

"This

Barry.

They were

even

to myself,

walk-men
it

recovering

turned

in Swahili.

frame

He turned

before

"Thank
then

one of the

of disappointment.

said,

cheek,

speak

I thought

the

he

out

Bernard.
look

back.

on the
to

him and

disguised

is

slender

mustache,

deeper,

both

me on the

started

just

I would

believe

I think

my bag and pulled

a thinly

Kazia

Except

country,

a smile.

into

a Sony,

slapping

the

not

America?"

I had

them

you would

the

around

I reached

kissed

eh?"

here?"

and turned

not

in

shown up,

"Yah,

is

here,
man,

people

"Billy's

me from

it

Not

something
in
of

Chicago.
someone

who realizes

early

in

We followed
and

she

you

till

Billy

brought

Just

the

in

be back

as handsome
door

and

"Roy!

let

a meal.
"Me,

she
hand

are

mother

out

I've

almost

the

"This

done

house,

will

with

the

keep
ugali.

now."
tray,

a strapping,

and

you doing

as tall

mustached

as Roy,

young

walked

through

Just

looking

here?"

embraced.

ask

you the

visiting

complain."

"You know me.

same

thing."

my mother.
He kissed

handshake.

now here."

inside

a yell.

up and they

heard

wronged.

and biscuits.

"I'm

as his

in a crushing

cousin.

said.

been

name was Rukia,

sodas

down the

I am only
to

he has

any minute

I should

begins

of

set

What are

Roy stood
for

a tray
she

as Rukia

that

woman, who's

dinner,"

should

man,

the

life

Rukia

"So I see

so much about

He turned

If

to

his

you,

I don't

on the
you've

Barry,

mother.

come so often,

cheek

and took

brought

my American

I cannot
"Have

my

believe

you

you

given

Barry

food?"
"Soon,
Roy.

Billy.

"You

smile.

Soon."

She

took

see

what

mothers

must

"How is

your

granny,

anyway?"

Kazia 's

put

hand

up with?"

and

she

turned

said

to

with

"Same."
She nodded
together
couch

with
beside

"So,
a prize

thoughtfully.
Kazia,

out

of

the

is

not

so bad,"

room.

Billy

she

said,

and

fell

into

the

Roy.

you still
bull!

went

"That

crazy,

You must

bwana?
be enjoying

Look at
yourself

you now!
in

the

Well-fed,
States."

like

"It's
the

ok,"

post

shrugged.

you know,

but

this

brother

back

then.

I hear

"The pay is

alright.

Not too

He turned

to me.

of yours,

Roy on the

he was wild!
of

times.

thigh

food.

Billy

filling

his

were

age-mates.

working

at

much thinking,

me tell

you,

we were

bush

meat,

"So tell

naturally

"You see,
in

Very

front

the

great

man.

I was in trouble,
And Roy,

it

you would

"The
children.

men

in

With

Billy

Barry,
all

wild

eh Roy!"

me, how are

hand,

also

He
these

our

of

his

Let

own,

pulled
wife

you

his
say.

his
and

wallet
their

so

father,

he

my own father.
I went

to

to

to

other

look

If
first.

I don't

of his
young

want

my family.
pocket
children.

people's

weak."

"You know,

mistreat

two

as he

age-mates,
your

that

like

fingers.

out

talking

also

good

Myself,
to

hands

I believe."

very

didn't

powerful

you,

Barack

down the

and my father

food,

we were

my father,

they

want

his

to him than

were

and licked

clasped

the

before

setting

father

his

in

ourselves

your

me tell

my uncle

family

I don't
Billy

close.

up,

brought

said,

one into

growing

go to

in what

mistakes.

11

Billy

Rukia

served

of him,

right

was to

all
he

I was closer

their

nodded

truth

very

when

Bar:cy,"

close."

plunged

we became

was a very

relieved
we had

"When Roy and I were

a picture

Chasing

seemed

low table

then

there's

"Let

Truthfully,

and laughed.

until

plate.

on the

together,

but

waited

food

ate.

your

women?"

Roy laughed,

clean

Mombasa?

steady."

The best

American

same

"How's

office."

Billy

slapped

Roy said.

Roy,

I think

to

make the

11

With

his

and showed me
"I

swear,

bwana,

marriage

become

so

wallet

and leaned

what

a man should

often.

takes

calm.

you!

A family
back

been

man."

in his

take.

hadn't

intently.

"I

yet

me now,

seat.

the

"Ofcourse,
she

I 've

picture

there

knows

Roy.

are

not

to

but

appeared

in

his

limits

to

cross

me too

Sayid?"

spoke

listening

see

He replaced

My wife,

What do you say,

Sayid

You should

much since

we arrived,

He washed

his

hands

now before

to have

turning

to

I should

not

Billy.

am not

speak.

married,"

But I have

concluded
what?"

that

the

He paused

and women.

been

look

Our fathers

had

we do not

stop

this

women?

They

close

to

fathers.

their

Sayid

caught
one wife,

experience,

Sayid
me.

tell

our

between

strength

is

than

have

is

one

men
often

woman.

many women.

What happens
children,

But

with

all

are

not

they

11

so I shouldn't
wise

Africa

thing

more

must

The

suddenly

the

having

consequences.

is ...

for

"This
but

I have

and

smiled.

carry
man is

"Ofcourse,

on so.

Where

I have

there

is

no

silent."

I asked.

laughed

and clutched

dinner,

Billy

my hand.

"No,

Barry.

That

one was

11

After
to

with

jealous.

It

serious

room.

so we also

become

I believe

"Achebe?"

the

perhaps

some thought.

most

to be strong,

at the

himself

"so

matters
is

around

many wives,

these

only

that

business

and look

said,

these

problem

to

Like

even

giving

Our men, we try

misplaced.

not

Sayid

relatives

that

ran

over

we were

to

here.

another

house

He came back

in the
shortly

compound
to

say

that

some

first,

of

them

wanted

I will

take

We followed
full

moon,

the

soon

came

to

fluttered
a

smiled

to

him out
corn

thin,

dressed

made him
towards

in white

look
us

spoke

in

like

and

an Indian

on the

door,

a whispy

goatee

Together,
hands

The

if

another

moths
and
man

he expected

man,

tall,

very

and mustache

that

the

two men jumped

feverishly.

To me,

they

English.

nephew!"

the

white

The short

one laughed

but

you

white,

of

as

and we

answered.

about

him sat

our

Under

shadows

knocked

forehead

sadhu.

shaking

purple

darted

Behind

path.

by spotlights,

Billy

eyes

and with

began

broken

"Your
"Yes!"

any moment.

a narrow

the

his

his

"But

one."

where

along

but

a celebration.

illuminated

windows.

scar

for

and onto

seemed

yellow

at

old

door

house

when he saw us,

us over

the

the

a smaller

have

see

fields

man with

to be struck

is

you

against

short

to

calls

haired

man said,

and grabbed

uncle!

pointing

me by the

Ha-ha.

to himself.

arm.

You like

"His

this

hair

English?

Corne."
They
clear

led

liquid

bottle,

and

then

into

each

Billy

The

at
is

I felt

table,

set

glasses.

with

an unlabeled

The white-haired

poured

what

He handed

looked

a glass

to

man held

like
me,

bottle

a couple
then

Roy

of

us the
of

and

shots
Billy.

me.
better

He thew

glasses

three

carefully

smiled

potent."

a wooden

glass.

"This

suit.

us to

the

my chest
were

than
drink

whiskey,
down his

explode,

refilled,

but

Barry.
throat,

raining
Sayid
27

It

makes

a man very

and Roy and I followed

down shrapnel
declined,

so

into
the

my gut.
short

man

held

the

extra

distorted

drink

through

in

the

front

of

my eyes,

his

smiling

image

glass.

"One more?"
"Not

right

now,"

I said,

"You may perhaps

said.

"T-shirt
"I'm

kept

maybe?

sorry

smiling

drink,

if

this

"Leave

He said

us into

room.

looked
his

a back
1 ike

skin

like

fleshless
was

the

titled

in

seen

our

There,

The two cousins

explained
low,
the

floor.

that

Roy translated.

man's

man

again

ever

faded

in Luo,

seen.

chairs

seemed
that

he

come

his

eyes

image

on Granny's

man nodded

to

emerge

is

glad

you

"He was your

two men led

sat

what

old

old

man's

of the

his

that

he
head

face

I'd

wall.
man,

and Billy

to

speak,

some chamber

have

our

closed,

and began

from

see

perhaps

the

the

me a

was snow white,

I thought

before

to

lamp,

His hair

photograph

offered

and the

forward

man

away.

of a keroscene

armrests.

The old

The short

again

hand

I saw a mirror

arranged

"He says

sky-bird,"

beneath

come on the

grandfather's

brother.

great
He

you well."
I said

again.

voice

white-haired

"We've

stepped

and

who was there.

quaking

wishes

Billy

in the

and

He was motionless,
on the

when

the

in front

man I'd

direction,

yesterday,

"Thanks."

in Alego."

shouted.

something

propped

back

pushed

parchment.

but

me?" the

understood,

Billy

oldest

arms

asleep,

Billy

be!"

grandfather."

for

everything

he hadn't

time

him

something

a cough.

Shoes?"

.. I left
as

but

have

suppressing

that

"He says

I was happy
that

to

many young

see

him,

men have

and
been

the

old

man nodded

lost

to ... the

white

man's

country.

home for
die,

He says

many years.

no one will

ancestors
that

old

again.

"He says

for

time,

that

if

is

went

old,

grandfather.

the

to

was the

effects

of the

dull,

drinking
faces

it

No

is

good

rest

of the

small

house,

six,

wore

on.

bottles,

after
and young

ten,

In the

and

the

bottle

passed

two more

shots,

faces

glow like

all

he

but

the

looks

moonshine,

with

the

center

first,

to me,

bottle

and

me and laughed.

evening,

"That

just

like

or the

fact

language
I felt

low in
the

as

the

shadows

low ceiling,
numbers
of

men begin
at

spoke

Roy explained

in

a room with

ceremoniously
labeless

merge

perhaps

We

when he

carrying

The moon hangs

others

gently.

our

a ghost."

speaking

a dream.

more men, perhaps

the

earth.

it

leave

son,"

say

were

the

of Roy and the

glasses,

They

me

for

to

men

talking

figures

the

two

like

through

more

come

When they

strange

a shook

Abo came up beside

walking

three

not

come home."

Itls

But

another

of his

Barry?

around

night

the

and

eh,

people

the

he says.

So ... he says

about

he should

hands.

it

understand.

as

them.

were

you hear

outside,

Perhaps

enter

ghosts,

hand

and

him that

in their

guy

welcome

up his

his

tell

We all
glasses

to

man raised

him

should

like

and has

returned."

thanked

"you

men are

in America,

to mourn them ... in the

be there

you have

own son is

such

be there

will

The

his

pouring
then

from

no one

the

seems

jack-o-lanterns

if

I were
and the

of corn.

wooden

to

didn't

and there

We
find

changing
table

moonshine

faster,
hand

sky,

constantly

a rough

that

sit
into

more

sloppily,

hand.

to

notice.

in the

stop
Old

shifting

lamp-light,

laughing

gestulating

and

wildly

pitching

up to

Luo

Swahili

and

swirls,

the

for

then

and

"Barry,

together

how long
me and

we are

we stayed.

shook

away,

in

outstretched

voices.

corners
anger

ebbing

the

defeated

came up to

as quickly

running

dark

drink,

money or shirts

angry,

Sayid

another

for

and sobbing,

sure

j_ust

in

wheedling

laughing

not

or

English

voices

I'm

slumped

cigarettes

a crest,

voices

shouting,

or

or

joy

words

of

unrecognizable

or the
hands,

bottle,

the

I know that

the

faltering,

at

some point,

my shoulder.

going,"

"Bernard

he

said.

but

as I stood

is

not

feeling

well."
I said

I'd

go with

me and grabbed

Where

"To sleep,

I looked
I nodded

here

up to

see

my head

man poured

shout,

to
he

cheering
we had

grab

lau9hed

"Those

with

to

drink

from

the

poured
cheering

were

back
too

drink
that

across
drunk,"

watching

glass,
eyes

down

his

I still
the

could

met,

that

the

the

scene

as the

and

Roy's

eyes

then

I watched

Roy's
But

our

seemed

I were

into

the

couch.

It

pulled.

room.

And Roy!"

the

door.

had been

made our
people

the

me!

in

to me, as if

another

and

With

Roy slumped

sound

him

us!

towards

and applause,
already

over

you going?"

silent

and the

haired

me;

are

stay

room became

television

Abo leaned

Abo."

"You must

entire

up,

my shoulders.

"Barryt

and

them,

on

white

I wanted

to

slid

away

from

throat

to

much

hear

even

when

field.
Bernard

said

weakly

as

vle

walked

towards
Sayid

nodded

like

my eldest

this

parts.

way,

he

saw

'Say id,
stop,

fare

car.
they

needed

thing,

and

I also

we went

friends.

didn't

paused,

what

made my brother

also

that

something

once
else.

drinking,

man does
this

~y brother,

so?

well

one thing,

How could

for

also
his

he

is

his

words

man,

these

ll

next

me,

matatu

collect

the

into

his

or wherever

he gave

them all

why he

did

After

story

to

all

carefully.
things.
pretend

driver,
Kenya's

by doing

he was prided

to

this

we were
of

his

"This

is

night."

writing

what

you

On the

said

homes

time.

you cannot

people

but

I think.

people

out,

this

he be a matatu

Not by doing

although

told

he

me to

their

the

here

Mercedes.

understand

that

a good

man,

eight

to

at

he

buy

' At the

of them got

chosing

such

you are

and

service

if

and

he would

a big

and

we squeezed

didn't

in

people

in his

much

popular

The

and told

but

too

made him happy,

evening!

understand

very
as

'You are

words

Kisumu,

bar,

was very

late.

people

I think

Roy is

he came home,

this

And when each

He laughed
Sayid

drivers

only

the

father

up passengers,

The people

to

afraid

me to Kisumu town

remaining

them not
to go.

Such

picking

up the

back.

isn't

him,

he took

money

night

tell

how us.'

their

done,

very

from them.

He took

your

out

stay

be matatu

he picked

"I'm

and

a matatu

we will

regular

You know,

They would

once,

me.

Whenever

forgotten

I remember

to

in Alego.

this.

not

turned

brother.

drinks,

appreciated

house.

and

Also

everyone

have

Rukia's

others
himself

what
thinks

But
that
or stay

I think
you are
out

economic

plan?

is

for

right

he should

on his

all
A
him,

do.

But

independence,

also

think

people

that

would

perhaps

don't

Sayid

for
path

you must

approached
distance,
staring

lead

of

if

some

he

belong

be that

so

the

with

those

way,"

freely,

too

he'd

Bernard

what

early.

grown

like

That

up with."

regret.

You must

They tow the

them

of

said.

something

you see

Afraid

bar

Bernard.

way.

But if

things.

left

nephew with

the

easier.

line

falling

for

"I did

respect
you,

into

your
so that

a pit,

then

and make your

own."

to what?"

around,"

"You are
sayid

him

at his

they

learn

"Step

eyes

to

speak

is

afraid

no longer

want

to

was

about

looked

mean

elders,
your

say

he would
"I

not

he

Bernard

right.

put

his

Diverge
arm over

~Rukia's

house,

I saw the
out

said.

into

dim light
the

from
the

that

path,

younger

I glanced
of

darkness.

the

old

man's
back
man's

shoulders.
behind

As we

me.

window,

In
his

the

blind

Chapter

Roy and Abo both

to

stay

back

decided

to

with
make

bus,

a decision

way,

our

or wayward

turn.

stretch

mid-way

number

of

in

runs,

business

while

"Leopard!
by the

time

- the

savvier
the

began

to

dismount.

travellers
I could

the

with
in

and

and a large

woman

with

in the

rear

at

short

did

their

amusement
of the

front,

it

had

already

re-boarded,

only

return

to my alloted

bump

a desolate

Standing

my way to the

the

focused

every

to a halt,

shouted

I was stuck

by

of

eyes

when,

men

driver

Bernard
most

our

I had come down with

of relief

screetched

shape,

and

lurching

bus

I had negotiated

engine,

low roof,

the

But

better

Sayid

and arms.

bushes,

and decided

We stood

my stomach

swarthy

Leopard!"

with

bus'

a sigh

stunted
the

In slightly

regretted.

causing

to Alego,

headaches,

Alego

and legs

I breathed

the

to

down by the

passengers

intervals

day.

back

of feet

of the

splitting

I quickly

forced

bundles

another

trip

that

a bad case

raced

Kazia
the

heads

on random

woke up with

bus,

was too
the

and

late

driver

space,

had

trapped

in my misery.
And so
Granny

and

curt

before

into

the

minutes
afternoon,
~he

shade

it

was

in

Auma upon
racing

outhouse
later,
to
of

our

return

trot
to

across

the

back

at

edge

of

blinking
find

a cautious

all

a mango

the

like
of
tree,

yard,
the

around

in

the

Auma sitting

with

appeared

offering
an errant

compound.

women gathered

.l

first

Home Squared,

a prisoner

the

that

them
cow,

I emerged
light

to
a

and

twenty

of the

early

on straw

mats

under

her

crossed

legs

in

front

of Granny,

women's

a neighbor's

corn-rows

methodically
"Did

now

spinning
you have

but

next

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at

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spoke

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to

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us.

in

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braids

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She

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your

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see

mentioned

couldn't

tell

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She brings

you,

that

we

greetings

village."

he

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you,"

says

She nodded.

out

knotted

heard

me with

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woman smiled,

great-grandfather

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old

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hands

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teeth,

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well."

at

people

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walked

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Luo.

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time?"

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says

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apart."
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to

Auma.

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the

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rude,

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spin.
when
see
spoke

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later,

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me the

green

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of

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you

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herself

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smelled

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her

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Granny
"Does

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my cigarette.

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moved to

nodded

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Auma's

on his

own."

translation.

know why he left

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"Tell
that

me more

he actually

about

grew

up

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come from
I

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this

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great-grandfather,

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hands

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Masai,

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cattle.

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fish.

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leader

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marry

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his

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in

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name

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and

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responsible

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seek

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advice.
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grandfather,

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their

is

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time

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She

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elders

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families

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work,

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elders

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have

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family

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plot,

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animals

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village.
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parents.
grind

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Men had their

was

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elders.

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millet

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would
into

go to school,
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porridge,

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how to

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mothers

grow

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and learn

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vegetables

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our

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village

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other

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were

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were

to the

village,

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ancestors

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children

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ways

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cruel.

traditions

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the

women

contributions

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time

not

that

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together

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sit

of

him

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he

he would

women were

and

decide

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know that

grandfather

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on

laughed

is

how he
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knows various

plants

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mud so that

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games with

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spirit

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anus

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spells

pack

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off

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up

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ants

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business,

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that

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witch-doctor,
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way

village

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children,

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and

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would

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sons

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Even from the

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songs.

good

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would

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great

were

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rebuke

men in

village

past,

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harpist

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fathers

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mothers,

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spears.

hut,

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praise

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people.

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from

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illnesses

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village,

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white

white

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Arab

traders

that

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not

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as

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man was better

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like

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family

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our

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genitals.

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among

away from Kisumu until

men for

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working

himself.

this

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trousers

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Obama,
to

curious,

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people

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knowledge.

as

was rare,
wear

hut
carefully

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skin

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grandfather

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ship

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the

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know what

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at

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of

brother

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you?'

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stiffened

as

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he

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district

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fancy

ugali

Things

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guns

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could

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men spoke

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deeply.
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to trade

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sticks

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to

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man intended

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talk

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remain

Luo

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small

return

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be covering

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sons

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men

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and

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white

Kisumu,

rest

other

be wearing

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shirt

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realized

their

these

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laughed

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circumcised,

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to

Onyango

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yours.

drinking

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that

returned

father

he was

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this

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with

touched

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by
guns

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commissioner.

along

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with

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first
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this

of the
man

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man's

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man Bwana Ogale,

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himself

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white

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provisions

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chiefs,

these

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taxes

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stayed

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that

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it

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army,

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carry

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pass.

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We learned

the

council

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been

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your

grandfather

things,
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we

elders.

fight.

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to

pay

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fled

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people

new villages.

these

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to

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that

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start

with

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wages.

clothes

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for

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to

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work

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live

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collectors.

not

burned

country-side,

had

into

would

beaten

huts

men

that

resisted,

so were

their

into

our

men who were

things

those

agents

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of

with

as his

tax

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ignore

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the

white

man's

arrival.
During

this

time,

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speak

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he was

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spoke
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white

land.

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This

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or

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titles.

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land
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man's

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father's

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system

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compound,

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his

time

man.

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to

of road

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school,

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returned,

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the

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now Tanzania,

from

for

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himself

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walked

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days,

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journey.

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sleep

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chased

in the

middle

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tree

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for

forest

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grandfather,

his

work

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the

wake.

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And it

allowed

to

had

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man's

war.

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near

these

and

around

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laborers

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wore the

white

big
man's

the

white

felt

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had

to

in the

drum,

a cobra

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in Nairobi

to begin

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the

those

or had joined

of

the

during

and

war,

who had
the

white

immediately

famine

and disease

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settlers,

the

white

for

they

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in

its

who were

man's

more

rule.

and more fathers

11

lived

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and

and more

In our village,

had

settlement

administration,

pressured
farms.

most,
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colonial

clothes,

panga.

land.

Nairobi,

This

his

especially

displaced

changes

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with

town.

cities,

numbers

best

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with

increased.

to

wages,

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large
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during

the

bush.

two

had

a drum lying

arrived

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felt

steadily

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than

he

buffalo,

opened

who moved
for

had

brought

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to
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she

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love.

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than

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world

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of

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man,

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to

white

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that

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Muslim

faith,

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in the

States.

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back

us

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explain

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grandfather

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ever

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mind

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nigger

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the

have

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not

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linked

house

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supposed
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white.

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man,

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place.

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would

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or

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demanding.

him

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older

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than

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not

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she

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in

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see

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Onyango

clothes

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work

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rebellious,

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mercy

something

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in

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spirit

that

time

father,

help

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two children.

compound
to

hardness

her

name to

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beliefs.

came your

she

as

affairs.

wash away a man's

Islam

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Onyango

later

his

his

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his

sentiment,

to

to

him and Akumu.

had already

ideas

could

in all

religion,

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closely
it

Christian

man Jesus

this

and custom

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to

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do what

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had

her

both

mother.

no choice

was

expected

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easier

her.

for

her

to

leave

Barack.

for

times,

to

of

tried

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times,

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but

she

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he believed

Akumu's

return.

family

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Onyango.

she

that

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she

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to

her

bitterness.
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and

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live

Arabia

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woman he claimed

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on my wall

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began

returning

--

are

of

farm

to

Alego,

day,

he

came

to

to

leave

news came as

the

his

a shock

lived

in Kendu,

your

grandfather's

and they

his
He

that

both

Onyango

for
--

Burma.

that

this

time.

almost

fifty.
for

the

white

saw,

however,

that

his

had
that

we should

and adaptable,

and Akumu.

Both

Helima

accustomed
especially

and

picture

of their
to

man,
the

of
you

living
feared

and
land

mind went

abandoned.

I was young

had become

Burma

More and more,

work

us

some time.

The pictures

And so his

told

the

When he returned
and

grandfather

with

to

and overgrazed.

and

Helima

absence.

helping

see

in

from

man now --

Alego.
to

not

married

taken

wives

for

captain,

a gramaphone

land.

land

British

in Europe.

Kendu was crowded

back

cook to the

somewhere

quitting

the

War came.

regiments

have

was an older

to

ourselves

they

thinking

surrounding

to

World

British

he came with

the

Onyango

the

Second

Helima,

We did

with

the

as the

Akumu and

crops.

widely

to

overseas

when

one
prepare
but

the

families
there
that

in
she

would

be

lonely

onyango,

and

Akumu also
her

in

had

this

no children

refused

that

she

to

must

had

and

studied

modern

he now put
less

than

fields
mango

ideas

to

he had
earth

to

where

his

crops

grew

and

banana

orange

and
trees

orchard.

and

flowers,

and

they

bleed

and

bearing

grazing

made

money,

he built

own that
the

most

the

of

his

he did

but

of his

to

them
for

cribs

Barack

the

He planted

the

see

the

He

today.
at

He

the

he even

fruit

because

Akumu and myself,

night.

cleared

land,

cut

in

and

which

pluck

and

market.

still

for

and hung
back

to

trees

he

that

time

kept

an

not

to

so as

paw-paw

wash

curtains

Sarah.

an

away.
and

from

lest

their

With
a hut
to

strange

Barack

and

mosquito
Sarah

were

cover

that

Omar and Abongo,

separate

this

of his

England

he played

children,
gowns

said

and woven mats

set

gramaphone

and
and

it

a crystal

When my first

as

you

grow,

and

at

plentiful.

huts

the

just

lawn,

large

brought

in Nairobi,

sell

caused

late

bought

to

wide

cattle,

and on his

he

living

now see

fruit.

on a shelf,

born,

grandfather

us how to

displayed
into

your

and

He had

children.

But

poor

windows

convinced

us.

lasted,

us not

her

go.

you

soil

had pane

floor.

told

for

to

that

that

not

teach

their

sold

trees

family

as

land

crops

and

old

refused

make anything

this

high

care

while

enough

make

her

as

this

of

in one section

ruin

He even

all

have

He would

stop

of

He could

paw-paw
that

fruit,

and

almost

So she

again

techniques

grown

was

own.

most

work.

she

but

for

the

a sweet

apple

hard

farming

her

husband

Alego,

out

planted
bore

his
a year

smoothed

was

for

first,

her

in

life

of

go at

follow

When we arrived
was bush,

new place,

he

music
were
nets,
given

outdoor
the

slippers

huts.

baked

And even

bread
His

they

neighbors

in the

cooking

when he sold
as

discovered
days,

often,

what

Even

his

you a love
would

potion

cause

your

grandfather,

in such

people's

money.

Even

from

neighbors.

This

families

for

witchdoctor

panga
the

he became

that

his

very

afraid,

listened

of the

road.

came

fall

tell

rival.

so

witchcraft.

In

were

to

the

whip,

man's

and went

story,
to wait

day
one

However,

that
of

for
picked

the

a
our

and the
man

hired

heard

asking

for

didn't

another

suitor

then

your

who stole

nearby,

neighbor

that

But

books,

kill

jealous

give

potions

the

from

be wed.

could

tricksters

about

a girl

When our

the

they

consulted

ground.

and came to onyango

to

were

and read

came

should

and

from

the

you

and
for

and other
to

they

farming

appreciate,

that

widely

can

about

respect

to

was said

dead

foolish

came to

witchdoctors

province

girl,

and a hippo-hide
foot

It

they

he

At first

was

them

them

had courted

kill

grandfather

protect

Alego

neighbor

this
to

they

they

He thought

in

into

in which

things.

But soon

one you desired,

another

had agreed

hungered

Your

many

such
he

man calls

to

dirt

a oven

thought

he had travelled

things.

now,

witchdoctor

the

enemies

because

believe

plan,

for

seen

he taught

feared.

bring

in a store.

temper

could

not

he built

and

what

white

widely

hut,

cattle.

as

the

and were

him

his

he

would

had never

well

that

they

you buy

of

medicines.

those

like

in Alego

generosity,

they

at

so that

suspicious

especially

herbal

wear,

and cakes

were

his

to

of

a
this

advice.
up his

witchdoctor

Before
hill,

long,

carrying

witchdoctor
the

a small

of the

making

'If

you

are

as powerful

lightning.
now,

if

this

grandfather
the

dispute,
and

refused
council

state

a very
to

of

their

that

would

if

elders

what

him curse
Onyango,

said

soon

saw that

the

who

had

hired

yourself

a new woman,

whom she

is

promised.'

witchdoctor

spirits

let

And to

this
the

other

and

when

your

The next
resolve

told

stood,

to

and

the
appear

told

the

at

once,

Then Onyango

stood,

and he

this

strong

magic,

man has
The elders

might

had come.

witchdoctor

suitcase,

to

both

suitcase

me dead.'

no lighting

and

a tree

leave

another

potions.

were

'If

take

his

me

witchdoctor

especially

beneath

village.

the

the

taken

closer,

you

the

he could

matter,

the

came

unless

Again,

ground,

earlier.

that

for

before

return

strike

run,

witchdoctor's

the

entire

claim,

you. '

witchdoctor

not

me now and

But they
man

did

fearful

strike

gathered

First

on the
he had

the

and the

Onyango

you must

serious

return

case.

be brought

repeated

from

was

and Onyango

elders

let

his

you come from.'

grandfather

but

compound.

to

in

your

to beat

it

to where

stood

again

have

him to the

grandfather

But

as you

pass,

When the

and

you should

to

one hand.

was,

pass.

had beaten

with

Well,

to

up the

Onyango

not,

I will

he was going

Onyango

returned

If

your

'Go back
who

going

made as

day,

know

was

village

step,

didn't
he

now with
this

and said,

approaching
in

distance,

like

spoke.

witchdoctor

of potions

shouting

road

witchdoctor

saw the

suitcase

was within

center

The

Onyango

and

miss

leaned
their

So Onyango
said,

'Go

woman be with

witchdoctor

a curse

Onyango

away

target.
turned
and
the
said,

to
find

one to
'Go

back

to

where

this

place.

you came

from,

things,

all

Onyango

did

not

the

meeting

must

want

He told

also

to

take

was

me to

gave

the

would

not

have

been

and

Even

if

much he beat

escape.
made

a chicken

the

her,

her

that

in

for

children

as

soon

She told

as

they

were

When Onyango

found

of

have

made her

with

him.

to help

up Sarah

night,

that

it

but

older.

trip

to

contents

happy.

said

on

she

his
he

Barack

proud

she

should

how
and

chores.

planned

her

was six,

she

was

difficult

they

Akumu,

No matter

household

that

was too

Then

of

the

so that

secretly

and

that

Alego

let

potions

in the

said

and

performed.

she

and

hut.

eat,

She was also

was twelve

his

could

potion,

these

new child,

Sarah

the

they

and when

grandfather

every

of

for

to

his

witchdoctor

one

when Sarah

to make at

him

refused

She woke

that

man show

argue

her

so

insisted

agreed,

witchdoctor

your

the

he could

nursed

move.

witchdoctor

before

used

she would

she

Kendu.

the

had

think

the

properties

tricks

Onyango

as

But

they

suitcase,
also

money

wasted.

But

onyango

so the

witchdoctor

One night,

away to

be no killings

witchdoctor's

chances.

of me, and often

And even

the

he made

the

I don't

scornful

will

agreed.

he brought

explain

know all

though,

any

leave,

suitcase,

elders

return

slaughter

even

witchdoctor

the

finished,

gave

would

there

'

To these
that

because

running

a journey
follow

her

into

the

disappeared

darkness.

first

he thought

saw that

Barack

that

out

what

he should

and Sarah

were

had happened,
finally
still

let
young,

he was furious.
Akumu go,
and that

but
even

At

when he
I,

with

two children
to

of my own, was little

Akumu's

this

time

the

for

her

dowry
they

family

had

in

family

left

for

himself

does

of

all

Neither

he

weeks

passed

before

as her

mother

I knew

remembered

him get

her
she
had

done

I still

gone

for

two weeks,

food

became
for

at

the

lost,

they

and

were

authorities,
Onyango
the

they

only

on the

huts

they

then

in the

He said

to

now the

they

pass.

called

for

your

saw how badly

anyone

ever

saw him cry.

journey

Onyango,

and

and perhaps

they

in

her

made.
heart

had seen

night,

be quiet,
down the

hiding

from

and begging
Kendu,

pity

they

on them,

how the

old

kept
loyal

when

this

But I don't

remained

the

And
looked,

Sarah

few

They were

from

to run away again.

they

walk

grandfather.

and

this

The woman contacted

them,

ever

to

fields

took

But

of the

day,

far

and

starved.

only

survived.

in

saw them

and

to

each

Not

Sarah.

Barack

both

sleeping

to

middle

began

many miles

would

tried

she was older,

baby
There

I was

visit

they

road,

never

from

the

lived.

me that

She told

that

and almost

get

that

forgot

her.

walking

The children

distance
for

time

accepted

to Alego.

last

together

them

filthy

to

But

with

instructions,

a woman finally

who
came

to

wonder

to Kendu.

for

mother's

and

who passed

Akumu's

woke up Barack

road

those

of

dressed,

almost

already

new husband

he told

went

returned.

and together

this

and

be

had

so he returned

matter,'

nor

had

helped

do,

he again

children.

Sarah

just

could

she

they

man,

where

a girl,

that

fact,

to another

not

his

asked
In

Tanganyika,

Onyango

'It

and

refused.

remarriage

was nothing

mother

Kendu

more than

is

think

a careful
to

Akumu,

man had treated

her

mother.

place.

I believe
Barack

abandonment,
that

reacted

towards
her

her.
in

things

to the

you

children.
outside

the

not

them

compound,

instructions,
as

they

clean

what

before
This

your

something.

But

would

especially

the

coldly

was most
easy

to

like

anger.

But ofcourse

allow

such

other

would

have

to

with

his

to

play

them
were

I would

filthy

ignore

these

children,

just

never
scrub

other

from the

tell
the

come to me and complain

your

children

back,

would

trees

27

told

Barack
take

off

or try

things.

so
and

him to
did
his

or swim in the

to go directly
these

boy was

well-mannered

father

to wrestle

neighbors'

about

That

he appeared

he

boys

afraid

Barack.

man' s

left,

were

with

when his

had

The neighbors

play

back

Onyango

fruit

away,

with

presence,

answered

with

act

came home.

old

and go off

always

children

went

I would

the

clothes

cows.

and

everyone

strict

not

other

But

behind

Once

steal

did,

easy,

never

pleased.

to

sleep.

In Onyango's
and

must

and

his

Akumu money when

very

and would

Onyango

grandfather

was not

mischievous!
obedient,

eat

send

Akumu.

was

he said

children

forgive

self.

hard,

Whenever

must

like

mother's

He told

he would

onyango

because

because

grandfather

in one's

He worked

not

hard-working,

and stubborn

expect,

her

in many ways Sarah

Strict,

might

and ill-mannered.

life

was that

see

taking

exist.

he would

end of his

was wild

one does
As

Akumu didn't

personality.

Barack

me for

He could

and although

The strange

father

Whereas

as if

mother,

a man,

resented

differently.

and acted

I was his

he became

she also

as

he

proper
river,

and ride

to Onyango,

do

their
so they

But I could

not

get

mad at

father,

him,

for

would

I loved
he did

very

fond

Barack,

only

a baby,

it

was

things.

the

Sarah's

most

money.

will

how to
This

first

about
he went

first

because

day
his

away,
teacher

him.

could
and

say

I began

there

was

she

his

father

knowledge
to

quick

was the

like

fees

that

Sarah

his
with

for

in

a waste
she

your

of

came to

school.

on you

between

source

Barack,
was

Go help

these

concerned

school,

school

in

make sure

house?

knew

school
father

that

walk

a man,

nearby,
that

And

when

mother

him to
but

this

Barack

her

was

easily

but

you
and

younger

not
to

always
him.

he came back

he could

not

study

closest
school
discovered

from his

there,
she

father,

school

was six

every

morning.

that

At

after

and he knew everything

he had learned
The next

and

Barack

came too

by a woman,

attitude

nothing.
to

the

primary

Everything

was taught
This

and

to go on to secondary

man's

mission

told

and numbers,

daughters

with

friction

studies.

and

alphabet

He was less

I spend

because

the

was

wife.'

more

class

had to teach
Onyango

to

man.

was also

When Barack

outdo

their

fees

in another

his

his

clever.

to him,

finished

be a proper

so

she was also

school

especially

serious

from

grandfather

and he wanted

'Why should

created

brother,

for

educating

was

for

live

foolishness

your

could

as any white
although

her,

his

him the

son

power,

men thought

come to

learn

the

educated

to

teach

the

man's

begging

said

would

he was

Onyango,

When Sarah

Onyango,

up

to show it,

because

pleased

education,

that

like

before

white

son was as

he

long

This

of all

not

Onyango

not

cover

him as my own son.

Although
of

always

this

so
miles
His

didn't

He always

solve

his

problems.

would

even

correct

the

teacher's

would

scold

Barack

The teacher
refuse
of

to

the

back

This

down.

because

the

teacher,

next

year,

I noticed

Still,
would

it

that

going

to

and read

through

the

lessons.

days,

and

when

few

first.

The

tears,

for

once

or

of his

few times

twice

--

the

whole

but

Barack

many canings

may have

taught

to

sometimes

at

him

a class

class.
would

the

hand

something,

with

a woman

complain.
and when he became

he would

He could
marks
not

come

to being

the

he would

for

weeks

find

a classmate

sit

came
in

older,

at

he

would

first,

best.

he

himself
always

came

But this

time.
of his

down and teach

in,

he

be

to

me in

happened

only

come home laughing

and

boasting

cleverness.
did

natured

towards

asked.

His

can

fast,

run

resent

not

mean his

his

classmates,

boasts

were

or hunt

well.

I remember

that

I had

such

man now?'

help

of a child

he did

a man,

ideas
to

were
teach

and in

silly.
you

Then he would

them

not
see

arithmetic,
laugh

they
that

that

he

others

understand
classmates

front

He would

good-

whenever

understand

he would

or businessmen,

he was always

who discovers

as

a restaurant,

their

and would

not

or

them

--

So he did

a bar

now ministers

cruelly

those

Even

who were

a big

like

ease.

In

tell

boasts

his

things.

would

Barack

exams,

usually

before

al together

the

and

insolence,

school,

he did

he was so use

Barack

might

before

answers,

switched

school

a few days

he

with

Instead,

in

his

he didn't

he was bored

stop

for

also

when

the

mistakes

caused

But

headmaster.

knew

such
of

his

of everybody
say

to

them,

so how can

and buy these

he
oy,

you

men beers,

be

for

he was

their

also

school

although

they

By this
Africans
arms,

had

and

know what

might

not

show it,

time,

things

man's

beside

white

machines,

returned

no longer
People

with

to

commission

who had

against

their

home

educated

to demean
in

many of us,
area

when the
detained,

began

British

and therefore
to

join

declared

some never

to

their
be seen

and

presented

and

accused

whites

the

that

tribe

felt

source

Emergency,

to

and the
projects.

the
power
Even

now rebelled
of

As before,

Kikuyu

again.

when they

Meetings

schools

Luo too

airplanes

and

mission

a main

with

were

government

for

white

rule.

for

Kikuyuland,

men

new knowledge,

in

But the

work the

so that

confiscation

African.

and

white

who flew

land

everything

yoke most heavily.

could

this

carried

Burma and

many

to share
man's

in

Many

own people,

killed

petitions

labor

churches,

warriors

independence.

about

free

been

centered

in our

and

complaining

had

seen,

about

held,

They

had

white

talk

War.

his

and

angry.
Kenya.

from America

eager

true,

in

had

they

was

remember

rapidly

an African

this

were

to

were

African

man's

they

began

administration,

Christianity

All

satisfied

demonstrations

of chiefs

that

said

man fight

and

would

made them

World

white

man,

surgery.

words

as great

and had met blacks

to Kenya,

activity

the

had

changing

themselves
seen

fellows

Barack

Second

They had learned

and performed

were

the

these

his

were

in

They had

died

But

them.

days,

fought

themselves.

were

of

and distinguished

Palestine.
had

fond

distorting
most

bore

the

oppressed,
of forced

for
labor.

in demonstrations.
many of

of this

our

white
there
Men
And

men were

Like
talk

of

about

other

and

demands

that
that

skeptical
because
army.

say

that

the

black

the

parties

like

early

the

African

defeat

the

even

never

man only

wanted

to

is

like

men worked
an ant,'

an ant,

business

the

these

He will

follow

are

like
than

the

Despite

his

white
are

wise

man.

white

more

most
That

the

'He can

would

white

man's

he would

tell

white

man because
or

His
to

clan,

'The white

be easily

nation,

Black

thinks

black

his

himself.

orders.

African

man

crushed.

him than

his

why the

the

And he would

together.

foolish

of

by

anything,

own family

important

is

the

power.

question

read

and

to

man,'

his

their

say.

and not

Even the

defeat

with

man works

leaders,

this.

work

lead

own bicycle?'

to increase

things

his

the

talking

But he remained

would

never

early

many

making,

unjust.

win against

he would

with

KANU were

make his

could

alone

better

could

school
he had

agreed

movement

Africans

by this

speeches

was often

African

white

not

rule

independence

he cannot

all

like

man's

thought

while

the

grandfather

that

the

and

Your

white

'when

seen,

be influenced

come home from

Ondinga.

'How can

Barack,

would

he would

he had

the

he

father

and

meetings

Kenyatta

But

your

independence,

the

admit

boys,

men

he knows

man will

always

lose.'

detained.

An African

jealous

of

rebuked

by your

taxes
the

attitude,

from

your

the

Emergency,

your

who worked

grandfather's
grandfather,

villages,
this

grandfather
for
lands.
because

and pocket
man placed

the

would
district
This

Onyango's

find

himself

commissioner
man

he would
the

once

money for

had

collect
himself.

name on a list

was

once

been

excessive
During
of

KANU

supporters,
One day,
away,

the

white

man's

was

placed

the

and

received

he

a hearing,

in the

he been
Alego,

head

his

house

you are

or tell

us what

to

months,

grandfather

Eventually

he

charges.

But

of the

and

when he returned

He had difficulty

had happened.

him bath
And from

your

camp.

innocent

for
that

he refused

a very
day

on,

enter
me to

He saved

long

and

to

he called

razors.

to

walking,

Instead,

him one of his

help

take

detention

six

was a subversive.

time,

off

just

I saw that

his
where

he was now

man.

Barack
learned

was

away

it

later.

about

had been

admitted

near

equator.

the

because
only

to

He was so ashamed,

and bring

I had

Onyango

came

and dirty.

of lice.

now sitting.

an old

in

over

thin

was full

and

man that

askaris

camp for

him water

hair,

white

and he was found

he was very

his

boil

and told

the

This

best

time

Mission

should

were

students

allowed
into

the

school

for

he could

into

his

girls

and promise

them

all

that

would

raid

farms

for

chickens

the

many

of

eventually
expelled.

dormitory
these

food.

infractions,

Barack

went

The
for

too

far

some fifty
a great

get

got

secondary
But

always

saw

miles

south,

for

Barack,

your

very

because

the

sneak

sweetly

they

school

how smart

mischief,

and

father's

He and his

and yarns,
at

and

He would

talk

dreamed.

his

only

education,

much grief.

teachers

with

and

honor

Maseno.

they

they

happened,

district-examination,

been
to

girls

dormitory,

the

have

nature

like

caused

this

School,

rebellious

nearby

that

He had taken

to Maseno

few Africans
the

at

to

friends
did

not

overlooked
he

was.

and was

But

finally

Onyango
a stick
run

was so furious

until

or

cry

Barack's
out,

Onyango

told

I have

no use

Barack

now, '

he had

the

earning

your

the

had

and

office

stock

man

of

He found

another

Onyango,

tell
had

but

to

obey

his

father.

travel

Barack

with

refused

to

Finally,

in my compound,

week,

Onyango

to

coast,

the

the

value

how you

of

enjoy

when

that

every

left

father.

had

arranged.

orders

told
where

education
yourself,

been

he would

it

ask

his

home

amount

to

for

new job

He said

that

month,

which

was good money then.

book,

if

wage

when

Barack

said

nothing,

into
on his

his

much better

he was earning

you

Onyango
hut

father.

and

told

are

such

knew

that

Barack

than

father

pay.

for

help,

word got

the

his

back

father
tried

to

one Onyango
and

fifty

So Onyango

said,

a wealthy

to

an

and he often

one-hundred

his

in
the

his

Barack

the

was

he had

a visit,

nothing.

to

sure

collecting

Nevertheless,

came

paid

time,

much less,

to

wrong.

It

and making

even

paid

proud

He went

a short

without

but

Barack

your

shame

filing

job,

me see

He went

Onyango

his

But after

and

'Let

brought

see

which

he'd

him that

arranged.

him.

will

He was too

that

and

Onyango

shillings

boss,

supper.

to

Barack

properly

learn

'I

merchant,

clerk's

or admit

shouted

him to

maintained.

his

without

job

a Arab

with

to

But

following

'You will

choice

the

was properly

though,

for

said.

no

took

argument

went

behave
The

arranged

to

he beat

own meals.'

Barack
Mombasa,

here!'

as a clerk.

old

himself

you cannot

you

out,

was bleeding.

explain

'If

for

work

back

even

Barack

that

he would

or

when he found

son

man.'
had

And

lied

to

go away because

he

Barack
Nairobi,

tried

and

to

found

But he was bored

country.

The

Everywhere

there

prison.
to
the

were

these

arrested

for

he had

to

lesson

as a clerk

calling

after
Odinga

violating

the

meeting

his

father

word

to

and told

Kenyatta's

He came to

the

police

laws.
that

me that

he needed
son

Kenya's

leader.

and
in

money

needed

from

know some of

union

came,

ts.

and began

become

He was put

his

fores

time,

who would
trade

of the

release

work.

the

railway.

the

of this

and Tom M'Boya,

meetings,

in

spirit

Oginga,

the

politics

warfare
for

He moved to

for

by the

their

up in the

like

had said.

to

At

Barack

was

jail,

and

for

bail.

learn

his

well.
he was not

a few days.
begun

to

But there

think

he would
twenty,

railway

when
family.

that

and

job.

a leader

what

what

did

He was

he

was

only

He was

Barack

decided

father

would
me to

that
have

a wife

intercede

by her

help

time

said

been

beauty,

him with
behalf.

then
and

her.
the

he had
true

in

Kendu
a brief

from

his

money

Onyango

or

Kazia

with

her

courting

he knew that

payment,

--

a man

He had met

To do so,

At first

was

without

after

dowry

for

fired

father,

lived

after

he was already

and children.

marry

on his

his

release,
had

He had

She

he would
to

By this

from

eighteen.
struck

father

have?

estranged

was released

in his

his

to nothing.

And he now had

he

in KANU, Barack

was no happiness
perhaps

amount

prospects.

asked

begun

meetings

refused,

Because

that

father

and distracted

political

send

But Onyango

his

working

rallies

was swept

political

of

there
work,

vice-president,

one

what

Kikuyu had

KANU leadership,

first

of

a job

in his

Barack

attend

ignore

and

his
so

resisted,

he

because
back

he was

to Alego

told

your

wealth.
have

so

after

her

grandfather
But I told

and

this

on as an office
desparate.
as

expect
saw that
clerks

boy.

jobs
for

of these
Then,

They

were

fortune

teaching

organization,

in

I think,

struck

up

a conversation

became

his

friends.

They lent

no

to

and when they

go to

secondary

in the

were

take

named

to

he could

to

take

depressed,

Maseno,

the

Roy

Auma.

Suleiman

for

truth,

married,

any work

deeply

to

knew he

the

now called

him

almost

ones

who were

Makarere

University

study.

They

a liberated

Kenya.

could
Barack

end up working

as the

a university.
school

form

of two American

women.

connected

and one day they

father

and

to

he might

Nairobi,

sometimes

he should

I spoke

Kazia

London
to

life,

struck,

worked

house,

to

returned

Barack

their

Barack

leaving

gone

of his

for

when everyone

his

men.

good

were

rest

be improper

remained

already

even

off

who is

from

She

live

and

had

moved

disapproved.

saw that

an Arab

age-mates

when they

the

Barack

But Barack

Some had

big

Barack

convinced

as him,

Uganda.

Onyango

who had

to

a dowry,

came Rita,

family,

also
wanted

would

for

after

Sarah,

died,
only

it

man.

Many of his
smart

that

later

and he finally

not

Kazia

relatives

Two years

To support
find,

that

One year

was born.

Barack.

husband

son of a well-off

relented.

in

first

Onyango

to beg from other

wa~ the

in

disappointed

take

care
with

to

some

religious

came into

the

of

business.

them,

their
and

soon

office

Your

these

him books

to read

and invited

saw how smart

he was,

they

He explained
certificate,

but

that
these

where

told

he had
women

women
him to
him that

no money
said

they

could

arrange

give

him

they

said,

for

him to

a secondary
they

take

a correspondence

school

would

certificate.

try

and

help

course
If

him get

that

he was
into

would

successful,

a university

in

America.
Barack

became

Immediately,
the

he wrote

first

time

after

his

would

study

in his

books

cigarettes,

thought
there

wait

he was

see

he was

school

to

He still
accepted
that

him.

helped,
money

but
they

universities
university

to

it.

pay

had

never
America.

in Hawaii

wrote

and for

lunch

the

night,

hours,

and do the
for

the

barely

letter

score,

eat.

came.

and

that

before,

when he use

we

I was not
me the

I laughed,

the

He only

so thin

when he told

he

lessons

exam at

to

happiness.

for
to

news,
it

was

come home

marks.
and

softened

and

afraid

his

and he became

though,

fees

course,

months

he could

but

him

He wrote
back

if

even

again.

and told

son

had
when

he could
Some in

Barack

and

university
his

transport.

that

see

no

towards

more responsible,

many were

in

his

money,

school

would

with

answer.

Every

him,

several

I know that

about

Onyango

during

he sat

one day,

so many years

no

he was becoming
money

Then,

boast
had

took

barely

diligently.

later,

another,

out

as he had done

after

worked

women had given

one after

shouting

could

correspondence

so nervous

die.

he

and also

exam

him opened

still

he

these

The

he would
to

life

this

A few months

Embassy.

smoked

that

away for

his

notebooks.

this

excited

work was done,

the

during

the

in

office

American

just

so

went
So

off

wrote.

them

they

saw

raise

village

with

Barack

he

he

not
the

yet

their

wrote

to

Finally,

would

give

him

a scholarship.
care.
me,

He gathered
and

less
had

No one knew where

in

up Kazia

less

than

What

happened

than

two years,

met

her.

this

and

this

not

believe

his

is

son,

true,
your

and

girl,

but
father

said,

Ann,

is

'How can
at home.

live

as a Luo woman?

Will

she

not

heard

I have

things.

women are

I am wrong

and discuss

this

children.
these

As you

all

told

same

Onyango

what

not

have

this

and

threatened

he had

lived

with

finally

people's
return

to

him,

off

with

reasons

marry

this

this

of white

you

people

this
your

is

say.

He did
back

with

to
you

you and

have

a wife
such

pampered.

But

come to my hut

affairs

grandfather

he

marry

understanding

father

the

to

woman when

being

girl's

that

He wrote
white

to

after

disapproved,

you already

and used
the

like

woman return

that

that

saying

grandfather

responsibly.

let

father
had

of elders,
Stanley,

went

ahead

with

the

happened

after

you

were

took

place,

marriage

you here

angry,

white

didn't

not

and

said

things.
your

that

them

he would

the

accept

For

wrote

know,

happy

would

matter,

from

your

Will

jealous

properly.

He also

many of

only

in this

Barack

I know

say.

that

for

you

responsibilities

if

and

that

not

have

Their

cannot

was behaving

and children?

but

dropped

a letter

heard

it

was,

children,

we received

you have

place

he was gone.

America,

American

Now, Barry,

and the

a month
in

this

with
to

white

customs
to Kenya,

us now.

have
people,
better

visa

perhaps
than

we discovered
37

because

But your

Barack's

that

born.

revoked.

did.

did

He
We are

without

grandfather

Onyango

Barack

marriage.

it

we

was very
And because

understand
For

you and your

when

the
Barack

mother

had

stayed

behind,
Soon

looking

after

for

Ann.

just

that

him

Kenya
this

at

wanted

without

absence.

I do not

was still

young

been

for

gone

I cannot

to

children

her

in

the

idea

of

went

to

live

Nairobi.

discuss

say to his

older

friends,

'My son

a big

man,

for

is

him instead
The

Nairobi.

seemed

reluctant

others

of his
have

he did
past.

too

was true.

when Barack

left

her
she

with

agreed

him,

wife.

father

and

in such

I know that

she

he had

children.

she

That
his

with

Barack.
Barack

home his

is

So

refused
how the

new
to

bring

when he comes

his

Ruth,

Roy back

a way that

was because

and that

Barack

directly

he

done.

a second

or let

Perhaps

much during

two small

to marry

Auma and

him.

to marry

it

her,

may have

their

brought

but

herself

didn't

her.

Or maybe

gossip

leaving

with

grandfather

marry

Ruth.

followed

Barack

this

this

had

had disobeyed

having

not

she

Barack

his

did

woman,

again

had enjoyed

accompany

mother,

that

Barack

to

your

Your

once

refuse

Kisumu

knowledge.

anything

When Barack

onyango

and that

from his

years,

know that

accept

would

six

in

be

Harvard,

though,

know if

must

at

in fact

Kazia

this

arrived

was a different

and beautiful

fault

I also

for

himself
that

woman

this

Eventually,

gossip

white

that

and thought

distance

he heard

we thought

his

so sure,

first.
to

first

explain

story

had warned.

came,

he had met her

But I was not

Ruth

At

had to

He said

believe

Barack

him.

Barack

to

as Onyango

wife

visit,

in
Ruth

Mark and David.

But

he would

could

hear

him,

mother

must

cook

your

father

in

wife.'
told

We saw him rarely,

you

what

happened

and he would

usually

to

stay

only

a short

time.

Whenever

money,

and

But

continued

to

was now very

was almost
think

not

problems
could

Onyango

old.

His

the

unhappiness

heavily

on his

say I didn't
giving

That

dealings

Only

to

just

the

most,

had
us,

just

he was pushing

was

would

listen

as his

he needed

for

laughter

and

which

strictness,

and

try

bring

to

gifts

he

tell

him

he

had done.

his

was

talk

principles

he

a taxi

confide

too

to me
weighed

to me, though.

father

his

that
in

He would
his

hide

He would

So I stopped

listened.

house

his

He didn't

this

liked

would

a cane,

my help,

me would

him that

built

He still

fine

Onyango

he arrived

tell

things

before

we noticed

and I would

after

do.

to

government.

he behaved

with

he would

the

children.

what

and

and

a boy.

of his

with

Even

Onyango

He continued

car.

him.

saw that

man.

and just

is

children,

from power,

understand,

advice

son,

without

none

car

his

he were

bath

disappointments.

principles,

and

He walked

even

although

own

in his

big

his

if

fell

afford,

and

gifts

temper.

old

his

as

But he lost

when Barack

than

about

his

him,

not

expensive

towards

was bent.

He could

no longer

stubborn

back

us

with

changed
to

him shame.

bring

people

never

harshly

from

rather

the

speak

soften

Later,

he would

all

blind.

caused
did

came,

impress

clothes.

age

he

I think

improved

he

them

away,

to boast

again

remained

as Onyango

old

man died.

someone
for

heavy

but

remember

there

The two

him,

listen
and

towards

last
of

with

them

He

he could
men.
he

sat

his

him.

the

time

to

he had

With

was nothing

and drink
the

to

hearted.

had behaved

and laugh

empty.

--

But

visited
in

their

chairs,

facing

words

passing

finally

went

the

between
to

few

of

old

wind

axe.

the

the

going

Bernard

his

with

when

only

mind

that

make all

was

saw

no

Onyango

on

when he sorted

the

Man's

sorting

few minutes

leaves,

the

off

only

him

other

through
begin

her

to

skirt.

The

by a bird's

distant,

clouds

these

the

steady

formed

and

anxious

knock

an unbroken

her

this

to

start

of

an

sheet

leaf

of

is

before

if

with

all

of

an old

of

crouched

couch,

old

had
she

and they

anything
went

leather

different

Sayid

magazines.

dinner,

a rust-colored

along

I could

she
and

contents

an angle

On the

for

up the

Yusef

through

Granny

a few papers

at

radio.

grandfather's,
the

gathered

we found

preparing

I asked

she emerged
with

We all

where

on his

began

our

through

said.

inside,

knob

help

and chewed

to

them

or

along

afraid

Granny

hut.

later,

a passport,

got

Amy to

Old

"I'm

interrupted

rain,"

down

cooking

together

some grass

grey-blue

tuning

the

bedroom,

rats

the

to

sat

asked

to

brushed

silence

and took

in one corner,

went

is

later,

but

came home to

that

belongings

up and

through

and cups

Abongo

see

and it

hands,

months
Barack

could

little,

their

sky.

"It's

and

Above our heads,

across

A few

ancestors,

man's

stood

was hushed,

trill,

mats

very

with

underline]

Granny
yard

his
but

the

and eating
them.

join

He said

weep.[stop

of

other

arrangements,

things.
a

each

left

into

her

trunk.

book the

size

of

colors,

stapled

one side.
find,"

I had a chance

she said
to

put

them

to Auma.
away."

"The

Auma and I sat

table

in

front

of

away,

but

the

cover

Register,"

it

Authority
1928,
the

and

s left

and right
from

still

clear,

photograph

would

"The
employed
and

to

been
this

house

waiter,

the

employment

nurse,

...

The rules

11

forth:

in anyway
one hundred

shillings

or to both."
out

Name: Hussein

And then,
in

the
II

books,

the

elegant,
Onyango.

is

like

holding

a string.
stamp

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to

above

rectangular
the

box

provide

a record

swirls

where

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boy,

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imprisonment
particulars
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Native

to
not

of

Registration

rendered
defined:
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such

books,

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a nameless
Ordinance

or

exceeding

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of

or

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of said
script

have

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to

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bar

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the

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snap

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thumb-prints.

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book

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of

cover,

red

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smaller

its

and papers

on the

of Kenya."

had lost
inside

oversized

were

in

and Protectorate

book's

Onyango'

and

book

legible:

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together

the

The binding

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the

Colony

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us.

read,

of

book

down and we set

months
Servant,
clerk.

No. Rwl A

NBI 0976717.

Race or Tribe:

Not Employed:

Kisumu.

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curly.

the

employment,"

back

signed

duties

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personal

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A.G.

likewise

write

things

his

services

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35.

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Height

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with

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cook

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and

certainly

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father,

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never

heard

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book

all
off:

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personalized
Morgan

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worth

Onyango

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not

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Sherry

big
of

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enough

the

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Onyango

60 shillings
willing

was
per

to work.

benefit."
through

to various

on possible

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not

need

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from

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job

himself

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the

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that

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addressed

information

thirty

say

--

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B.D.

cook."

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all

recipies

Mr.

"proved

his

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"performed

diligence."
has

of

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Onyango

an excellent

hand,

says

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on occasion

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other

that

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the

employers.

admirable

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and

by

says

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seeking

boy

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are

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pastries

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him."

is

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follows

Africa

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book,

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that

month."

of Residence

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since

suggests

the

Dept.

Head

Dickson

of

Government

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Gatley

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his

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Ja'Luo.

the

universities

scholarships.
to the

letters.
in the
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presidents

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Santa

States,

were more than

of schools
Barbara

I had
Junior

College,
the

San Francisco

College.

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slightly

wobbly

on

heard

of

page.
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your
is

state

President

college

from

Mrs.

now in Nairobi

am to

further

me to

school

for

talents,

perhaps

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She

adds

that

service

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was it,

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a neat

In silence,

the

family

watched

before

the

fields,
until

stand
the

grandfather,

was

stack

mango

tree,

the

left

with

only

standing

of such

to several

possible

letters

a
to

literacy

obtain

"since

he has been

confident

of our

him making
is

a great

and that

"given

he

me you

should

use

need

out

algebra

Kenya

Mr. Obama's
be

given

of

father's

of
in

Mr.

for

desire

a chance,

basis."

in

to

there

country,

letters

yard

"observed

shall

forward

Mooney,

not

asked

possibility

Attached

she's

teachers,

on a one-year

So this
the

she

kindly
the

she writes,

However,

and dedicated
of

11

has

admission.

Elizabeth
is

who

how much desirous

for

of. "

California,

of America,

you will

Miss

that

States

regarding

"It

some years."

geometry."

be

from

transcripts,

noting

capable

if

"I have

Alto

knowing

college

Maryland.

O' Barna' s school

to

esteemed

and information

from

of Palo

United

as you may be aware

specialist

and

in the

recommendations

begins.

Roberts,

much pleased

form

scholarships

Roberts

Mrs.

your

be very

application

are

here.

to

one letter

Helen

my studies

apply

therefore

Calhoun,"

before

my true
and

set

them

as I rose

two
sky
the
his

inheritance.
under

--

seemed
images

father's

the

and went

graves.

I rearranged
registry

out

into

Everything
to
in
hut,

close

book.

-in

my mind.
a wiry,

the
the

corn

around
I

back

me,

see

grim-faced

my

boy,

almost

ridiculous

in his

shirt.

I watch

his

father

laugh.

I feel

the

heat

his

limbs,

figure
has

the

turns

just

and starts

now altered
dust

his

each

in

floating
arid,

create
scavenged

out

alone

back

and

laughing

behind

gramaphone

him.

and sets

hears

the

clipped,

third

and

last

to

weakens,
or
him.
not

the

time

in the

stick

old
hit

with

outlive

of

body

the

man's
at

the

force
His

voice

his
goes

a mocking

fate.

whips

feet.

He's

have

to invent

blistered

of

hut,
that

force
an

hears

scratchy

tighten,

rage

anything.
that

the
in the

for

all

the

and

chair,

for
to

die,

brothers
arm of the
he still
for

to

builds

Until

laughter

He waits

tonic

gin.
--

finally
power

he

a bent

explaining
of

the

his

the

as

with

the

would

and

grooves,

captain,

proportion

he

And yet,

as he lifts

the

himself

world,

man now,

still

separate,

will,

unknown

an old

even

of

obselete.

he

along

something,

slack

history

his

correct

will,

of

is

is

rendered

realization

childhood

itself

of a British

neck

of his

he

soil

scraps

needle

by which

The

I know that
the

earth

centuries.

Through

know

As his

and

scrubbed
I

in

course,

a world

eyes,

forming

their

He would

the

brothers

heart.

The rush
knocked

his

knots

his

road

buttonless

off

place.

of

the

of red

him the

space.

of

I hear

in

road

have

from

in a freshly
milky

happens

for

spans

in

memories

sits

his

down the

solitary

himself

nerves

back

detached

loose,
this

that

planets

he

and his

brow,

completely.

the

step

insubstantial,
cut

down his

I know that

eyes,

trousers

away from him.

jump

irreversibly,

into

with

turn
pour

sudden

arrived,

oversized

the
The

he grabs
his

in his

grip
hands

rebukes

will

outlast

he knows

that

he will

alone.

The
hungry,
mother

old

man becomes

tired,

clinging

that

he's

exhaustion

too

snaps,

his

shakes

off

learn

the

image
his

man,

his
sits

forms

narrow,

towards

He too

will

he sets

the

of

list

begins
again

the
have
forms

after

post-office
island

How lucky
have

known,

been

chosen

after

baraka,
white

the
wife,

proportion

of

the

him,

the

mother

the

darkness.

go home,

back

to

play,

and

that

has

father's

later,

feels

the

in a bottle

office;

of the

cabinet

he pulls

towards

envelopes,
will

and perhaps

and

all

over

sealing

the

drop

allow

out

him

starting

that

of

out

letter,
the

now a

return.

typewriter

typing

boy,

same panic
is

file

after

ocean

that

up from a stack

that

an old

letter

a vast

desparation

His boss

from

messages

through

him to

escape

shame.

have

when

that

all;

that

blessings
the

for

his

He will

and glances

himself.

after

he must

must

into
to

the
years

and

damn mistake,

of his

down

a new mother.

He yanks

into

for

him to

he wants

desk

sky,

and

letter

slot

much

holds

down,

Fifteen

barren

invent

like

searching

too

desparation,

flee.

addresses.

within,

that

hand;

the

aside

every

line

find

restless
to

to type,

letters

the

his

is

He's

my father.

mind.

forget
to

boy;
hand,

hunger

float

sisters

of his

mother
at

to

old

sisters

the

He will

But he won't
caused

his

Until

house.
power

six-year

The

great.
her

father's

to

lost.

sending

The boy

of

felt

when his

ship

came sailing

in!

came

from

Hawaii,

he

had

name,

the

letter

he possessed
God.

car,

the

words,

tonic

to

gin,

With
the

the

the
the

grace
degree,

figures,
polish,

the
the

that

of his
the

ascot,

He

the

wallet,

the

proper

panache,

the

entire

thing

seamless

quality

and natural,

of an earlier
He had

never

have

discover

that

remained

trapped

and doubt

tile.

Oh,
Just

you.

No shame

him.

There
silence

that

way?

a way his

father

to travel

could

so far,

to

that

he

To discover

with

its

fissures

beneath

yawning

the

mouth,

irrigation

instruments

told

father

of anger

surface,

and his

demanded

born

out

white

this

Christian

fear

of

hot
mother

that

might

have

taught

taught

into

power

carried

a faith
or

way of

could

that

and

more
the

Muslim,

before
It

silence,
not

your
create

lesson

this

new world

indoor

with

them

which

was

same

ways.

seeing

your

before

father

old

wasn't
but

in

lifeless
You might
a dangerous

the

world

only
new,

to

toilets

than

be absorbed
that

shame

he could

cars

gramaphones,

a different

that

them that

just

smooth

produced.

for

father

the

father's

his

fear

your

have

no

in your

weren't

instruments

of hardship,
or

it

across

was

silence

be absorbed

they

That

the

the

and

these

inhabitants.

in

more than

ditches
could

no shame

If

might

him that

that

in

us.

involved

that

or

my hand

There

had been

shame

son,

swept

cried.

fear,

have

the

and

or

in his

all!

visible

and
I

betrayed

was beckoning

black

the

Your

And you,

a faith

after
island,

ground,

only

that

its

seeming

a wicked,

father,

in

alone.

power,

the

might

told

after

emotions

as there

was

grandfather

have

stand

haphazard

away

confusion.

you.

could

in

father's

like

cobbled-together,

succeeded

escaped

the

and alive,

to

himself

not

the

what

And then,

on his

I dropped
yellow

the

for.

he had

gone,

--

succeeded,

and defeat,

and molten
gone,

time

almost
hoped

without

and

alongside
that

pulsed

wasn't
in

the

heart

of the

- a faith

rigidness,

the

laughter

herding

for

stories

lack

of

the

forge

yourself

my tears
in my gut,

construct

of

life,

the

white

the

anguish

all

of

it

A light

pleasures

the

market,

of
fire.

homestead

Words
For

all

circle

the

sense

frustration
connected

more by the
I felt

encouragement.
gifts
--

those

-you

quick

could

never

behind

things

and wept.

what

I cared

obligation,

my life

in

this

I'd

plot

of

felt

struggle,

Deep
about,

longer

black

as a boy,

in

Chicago

earth

an

of a name or the
pain.

When

the

witnessed

small

accident

I'd

...

me.

no

America

of abandonment

An

the

Who I was,
or

human

make up

over

was my father's
Their

could

of
while

of

wash

and hope
with

that

two graves

intellect

I saw that

smell

a calmness

close.

of

company

the

charm

the

you

Too much of

of

of

faith,

Too little

your

the

I felt

of

past.

The loyalty

between

spent,

lack

cruelties.

man by leaving

I sat

questions.

I wasn't

above.

a whole

life,

The pain

Kansas

your

the

concentration,

words.

was

male

love.

a matter

and

of

rifles.

true

the

connected

brothers'

or

time

I felt

longer

skin.

the

finally

no

away,

around

into

were

little

voice,
murmur

of

a long

first

And for

its

the

planes

powers

For

too

Granny's

A strong,

mind,

and the

faith.

suspicions,

goats,

the

your

much and

in

embrace.

was

too
its

the

killed

to

its

village

people.

silence

both

sweat,

African

in other

The
clung

first

color

My questions

--

ocean
of my

were

my

my birthright.

alone.
rain

I was about

began
to

to
light

fall,

the

a cigarette

drops

tapping
when I felt

on the
a tap

leaves
on my

arm.

Bernard

had come up from

was now squatting

bent-up

beside

wanted

I smiled.

"Why don't

me to
"Yeah.

He nodded,
you

trying

to

of the

fit

the

water

two

tank

of us

and

under

see

if

I'm

ok."

his

eyes

let

me have

you were

squinting

ok,"

at the

he said.

clouds.

a cigarette,

and

He turned

to me.

I will

sit

and

smoke

and put

the

cigarette

you."
I looked

back

in the

a walk
the

direction

umbrella.
"They

with

me,

the

at
box.

instead."

hut,

He looked

"I

The
one

at

calm,

questioning

need

to

We stood

compound.

cooking

his

up and

young

leg

boy,

propped

us and offered

"Come on,"

Bernard

with

us."

And so the

dirt

road,

picking

rain

blow

at

down across

three
leaves

I said.

towards

Godfrey,

like

"Come on,

started

was

a crane's

a tentative

said,

the

quit,"

face,

waving

several

grew

entrance

standing
against

beside
the

take
to
the

mud wall.

smile.
to

the

of us made our
that

the

let's

along

valleys.

boy.

"You

way over
the

way,

the

can

walk

widening

watching

the

Chapter'

In

a way,
although

Alego,

and

Sayid

all

dinners,

Kenya

I was to

remain

for

two more

remaining

girls

the

were

near

women were

went

or visiting

the

gardener

of

plants
and

around

gifts

for

take

the

for

to

letters

to the

who would

teach

Bernard

songs

and Abo,

home,

of

stops

and

my

Making

me the

folks

in

names

and

throught
unseen

in search

with

family
African

Writing

the

sound

D. C. ,

Jogging

in

Roy left,

flowing

back

tended.

Auma's

voices

rhythm.

to

back

in

abiding

he

listening

town with

me to

that

Road

in their

mornings.

the

spent

Roy

more

Before

River

dazzling

Then

were

their

party.

to
Abo

there

to

trip

Granny,

and giggly,

a slumber

a studio

the

stayed

asleep

in the

tea

arboretum

roasted

fall

conspiratorial
for

and

Granny

in a lazy,

properties

Wandering

stories.

with

weeks.

us,

mostly

ginger

nearby

at

ended

with

I would

together

headdresses.
days

Hawaii,

more

by turns

everyone

and

Nairobi

voices

and all

gowns

to

night

we gathered

and

to

and every

of two school

sweet

visit

arguments,

bedroom,

portrait,

first

came back

more

apartment,
the

that

the
birds.

of cassettes

for

ice-cream

or

meat.
On my last

weekend

Mombasa and stayed

for

had

Man's

been

filled
hawkers
ping-pong

the

with
while

Old

Kenya,

two nights

German

tourists

their

children

and video

in

games.

at

Auma and
an old

favorite.

It's

who roast
play

busy

took

beach-front

in

the

themselves

sun

train
hotel

a modest,

Auma and I read,

1.

clean

to
that

place,

and

wave

away

in the

lobby

with

we swim;

Billy

stops

by in his

post-man's

uniform

he goes

back

to work,

examine

an abandoned

beautiful,

sailors

Auma and
the

dug-out

before

of

our

while

a group

of black

along

the

our

feet,
day,

built

by the

Portugese

along

the

later

still

walls
and

Indian

rose,

its

lone

through
with

the

and gold;

faces

They
gates

sit
to

Zanzibar,
painted

of
mothers
are

the

over

delicate

of

intricately

wealth

in

of

the

Lamu
thick

famed
--

but

out
net.

coats

of

At dusk

and

talking

pale

crabs

scurry

Jesus,

first

of trade

routes

about

Fort

swift
they

moved

fleets,

inland
its

orange

in

massive
and green

a tranquil

sea

picking

our

we pass

children

playing

entire

bundle

and cream
and

of

--

carved

wood and

city-states
scratched
Some

of

the

feet

and vines.
brass,
--

and

their

The

women whose

of flowers

way

recording

absorption.

shawled

etchings

coastal

Omani

Later,

games,

paint.

on.

towards

and olive

now

young

look

of pale

the

these

two

of stone,

conquest

with

doors

Malindi,

and
over

casing

Old Town,

and brown

watch

tatooed

before

of

invasion

as

strips

soccer-ball,

black

history

and hands

streets

beside

control

British

his

of

by the

pointing

casts

as a pair

of

their

in

canons

plastic

stairs

overrun

paper-mache

narrow

worn

the

we watch

holes.

now an empty

fisherman

laughing

children's

later
for

dormant

smooth

the

to

watching

to consolidate

Ocean;

like

the

we climb

low tide

hands

their

After

through

porters

holding

into

us lunch.

coo

loves,

ghosts

a beachhead

peeling

where

beach,

respective

like

of ivory

and later

prostitutes

The next

search

canoe;

gingerly

young

I walk

future

on buying

Auma and I step

hard-faced

British

and insists

once

Mombasa,

scarred
doors

and
are

opened,
on

revealing

sheetless

shirtless

young men who drift

ma tresses,

who

breathe

in

in and out

the

hush

of

of sleep
abandoned

empires.
We decide
ourselves

to

a busline

that

short-lived

--

luxury

is

by the

passenger

his

money's

sudden
our

in

But

landscape,

red

gulleys.

of weaver

birds.

believe
ancestral
that
of

could
true,

the

spaced

into

with

the

light,

that

they

possess

a special

shape,

the
the

a story,"
they

appear

fact

of

stripped-down
Auma says
as

is

as she

not
their

gazes

out
one

a
into

of tissue.

and

out

over

shrub

tree,

and
their

their

they

get

and

I look

naked
nests

can go years

rainfall.

Seeing

how men came

that

"They

each

point

spherical

of

under

It's
age,

one

distance,

power,
it

to

boabab

read;

of

pinched

roof

stone

find

wants

wads

I understand

sky.

individuals,

and

I've

earth.
their

the
with

sparsest

that

on the

are

at

ash-colored,

on the

afternoon

appeared

feeling

Auma and

the

trees,

and demons;

The

and

occassional

hazy

against
tell

and

the

man first
their

ample

of gravel

They' re hardy

spirits

outline

is

stops,

surviving

seats,

leaks

pass

and

my knees

through

rain

decorated

way,

streaming

the

flowering,
in

reclining

plain

Nairobi,

who understandably

the

to

to
seats.

of the

plug

widely

branches

them

the
water

We begin

searching

most

of me,

an endless

trunks

without

for

back

assigns

us to

eventually

the

bloated

sends

trip

actually

from

forcing

on the

front

worth

rainstorm

laps,

splurge

they're
one

home to

of these

trees

merely

the

almost

prehistoric

look
the

as

if

oddness

each

window,

seemingly

to

one

and it

possessed

with

a character

enduring.
within

Like
them

that

is

the

the

knowledge

that's

gone

at
that

the

was

already

High,

but

had

written

several

need
sofa,
her

is

simply

to

carry

disturb

if

they

were

it

not

so

carries

with

us

after

boyfriend,

and
might

not

for

different

within

it

all

her

robe

but

We couldn't

to
find

university

bookstore

that

we go visit

Professor

favorite

teacher

Old Man's.

husband,

laugh,
and

Professor
"Corne,

wag my tongue

asked

Luo.

I wanted

also

at

Kenya

She now taught

a historian,

had

Luo people.

inside.

Auma had

Aurna that

and the

of the

"My husband's

Ayot

the

Auma's

a ready

an old

pushed

to

a friend

on the

apologize,

someone

of

had been

University;

books

said.

I reminded

bookstores,

only

to

she

and

place

so Aurna suggested

been

wearing

Auma began

dinner,"

as

away,

one moment

history

downtown

willowy,

door

and

one

that

on the

Kenyatta

Tall,

hugs

walk

seem

both

appear

and simply

but

an intelligence

They

that

my departure,

also

at

the

plumb,

pierce.

earth,

cruel,

they

we can't

trees,

knowledge

who not

history

at

elephant,

we can't

any time

closed,

Ayot,

depths

on this

books

in the

Teddy

the

nor

on before.

few

anything

benevolent

or

ancient

The day before

find

whale
whose

these

themselves

another;

neither

a wisdom

me,

from

is

secrets

mute,

comfort
uproot

that

Professor

house

Ayot

slippers.

Ayot

just

come ... I'rn

just

We were

suffered

through

me about

my impressions

set

us

Immediately
swallowed

away on a trip,
at."

greeted

about
you

us
to

know,

in
eat

so

down on a wide

an interrogation
of the

about
country.

Had I been
although

disappointed?

I was leaving

"That's
her

nose.

day

long

good,"

actually.
tend

all

the

Hughes.

America
returned,
Or the
deal

very

with.

ugali

and

Ayot

said.

wash

our

hands,

eating

--

but

She cut
I asked
prone

her
to

and

as

the

it

they

us.

There

will

hope

Ayot

fish

a fish

do.

water

eating
--

when they

come here

looking

study

Ofcourse,

when we

serve
messy

in

us well.
history

to

along

mind

the

into

a basin

food

Nile

informality,"

towards

people,

for

us

us.

makes

to

"Come,

you know.

Perch

with

This
the

is

best

"

wedge of ugali
when she

to

on a platter,

don't

the

Here ...

Langston
And the

chance

this

to

we are."
fish

home

When your

-- we expected

always

was all

you

pushed

back

she meant

disappointment

"Because

did

woman poured

an enormous
what

education

in a large

The Luo are

good

our

All

Blacks

inspiration.

time.

"I

The young

our

of

be very

mischief.

Chicago.

The

here

can

I mean.

Harlem.

But ... ah,

bowls.

It

opposite

we drew

bridge

you know.

for

A hopeful

that

woman brought

three

the

popular.

important.

Questions.

Barack ... eat!

as

very

who had sent

A young

not

were

we realized
people

where

up the

Africans,

America.

That's

they

was

in

was just

I hadn't,

answers.

glasses

a temperment
us so.

it

answers

--

her

as

that

new questions.

requires

young,

her

make a living,

find

to romanticize

DuBois.

Kennedy's

pushing

to

It

and I were

find

said,

trying

I told

as many questions

how we historians

we sit,

in America

wondered.

with

she

"That's

tiresome,

father

she

and dropped

said
visited
for

that

black

it

in my plate.

Americans

were

Africa.
the

authentic,"

she

said.

"That

is

bound

told

you that

true

for

to disappoint
the

all

Luo are

Luo,

those

Luo,

it

Lake,

they

were

only

was not

offer

you tea.

to

we got
such

offer

you tea,

this

habit

They originally

the

meal

is

Ayot
dipped

brutality

find

shrugged
in

ofcourse.

For

newspapers.
same

and

Rome as

the

the

she

stew.

enemies

of the

so their

task

about

misery

The corruption
tribal

rolled
"You

own,

Greeks

--

when

hardly

ofcourse
drink

this

fish.

in this
--

the

simple
although

fact

In

schools,

exploitation

wars ... it's

peasants

for

of the
shameful,

hand

After
I read

all

happened

most

how the

the

wants

claim

Athens

were

sworn

so long

ago,

don't

of recorded

industrial

the

in

The European

you

and

Americans,

forefathers

But that

their

what

they

their

her

black

desire.

English,

in

past.

from

and Romans.

of European

ugali
blame

suffer,
in this

in

of

unblemished

still

unique

easier.

and

a ball
can

The Germans,

is

of
if

not

cook

be authentic

quality

did

to

and

food,

But

So even

to

a pristine,

suffered

their

host.

we used

you

village,

Our ancestors

difficult

the

the

isolated

Indonesia.

around

of this

about

a poor

spices

for

African."

wanting

thing.

most

was not

Now . if

share

now

And even

settled

Masai.

boastful

English.

very

They' re not

the

senseless

it

as

her

they

the

the

there's

certainly

it

in

Lake.

they

a proper

very

came from India,

you will

the

I am considered

from

Then

are

Even

notice.

a thing.

meal,

Kenyans

by the

Before

and eat

will

fail

true.

yourself

behave

you

always

just

But that

people.

who lived

like

sister

tea,

those

I have

Look here.

a fish-eating

pastoralists,

your

their

a person.

often

history.

revolution,
Europeans

hear

the
treated

their

own,

golden

much

age

seems

only

of

less

colored

Africa

that

"Truth
smile.

is

colonialism

did

at

be able

look

white

man has

sorts

of practices
with

I mean

is

demand

change.

system

worked

quite

that

individual
support
search

polygomy.

--

she

care

of.

ownership,

a family

on what
This
to

In

is

forget.

If

as

all

though

have

Kenyans

need

circumstances

men.

The

this

woman was

own resources.
hers.

Europeans

migrate

money to his

introduced
they

to the
wife

wife

The

The children

The men,

another

What

Luo culture,

her

the

don't

some things.

woman for

so they

they
things

the

shrinks.

he takes

to

You look

even

once

land

man, he sends

But the

primitive.

traditional

the

left,

We

We become

no to

own plot,

Now,
the

are

say

well

work,

history.

of them.

because

change,

had her
his

land

of work.

that

how to

to

white

usefulness.

One of the

women as

for

taken

soon he starts

is

the

adapt.

They

mean

Take
the

to

that

We end up clinging

primitive.

elders

of our

with

thing

Without

use

their

Alego.

refuse

independent

all

blacks

said

worst

and grow out

fail

they

for

past.

outlived

don't

are

their

of our

defensive.

and

they

the

make better

have

Luo in

man was responsible

were

about

American

Ayot

think

practices,

that

the

look

tradition,

things
from

to

former

Auma --

learn

among

corrective,"

our view

made us very

at

surprised,

to

our

best

sometimes

was cloud

might

"Look

the

know,

we might

certain

now popular

business

Auma said.
usually

"You

obsessed

is

So this

natural."

"A corrective,"

man,

peoples.

at

cannot

cities
first,

in the

city,

in
but
he

may

stop

sending

protection

against

neglects

their

pressure

on

incurring
whole
to

thing

this.

him

to

of

them

I tell
an African

this

do in Tanzania.

But

things

the

seen

such

things.

want

to subsidize
are

prices

you

say

that
the

is

has

or

to

put

there

of

without

marriage.
laws

polygomy,

when

the

this

The

and courts

But
will

no

wife,

mistresses,

system.

these

Kenyan

wife

man

beating,

for

farmer

prices
most

for

collectivization
market.

things,

grandfather

want

foreign

to

then

you

have

in the

to

or they
because

there

is

this

farmer

really.

infected

buy

imagined

the

labor,

been

money

cities,

So

to

The genie

never

to exploit

A form of forced

tried

exchange,

vote.

schemes

they

he wants

people

system

you see.

His

the

1 ikely

is what

that,

today,

they

to a collective

That

late

on television.

food

below
these

we go back

village.

too

The

people

to use

keep

aren't

what

this

new

woman needs

economic

that

The government,

the

pressure

it

bottle.

he has

these

his

take

legislature,

suggest

Recreate

of

beats

wife

tradition.

of agriculture.

out

new

He says

first

obligations
and the

the

his

elders

He may

traditional

in

"Now, you might

is

then

village

oppressive,

you.

and

he

behave.

come up before

say?

If
the

the

becomes

protect

al together,

children,

any

matters

is

money

and

But if

by

European

ideology."
"So what's
really

the

answer?"

Auma said.

"By the

way,

this

fish

is

delicious."
"It

With her

is
long

quite

good,

fingers,

isn't
Ayot

it.
separated

Do you mind if
the

head

I have

from the

the
rest

head?"
of the

fish,

and began

the

answers

deftly

up

historian.

to

But

an

sensibility,

it

is

operations
Keep the

half

a circumcision.

choose.

The

application

and then

same

you choose.

Professor,

clean

travelled
learned
pleasure

that

thing,

in the

more suffering

it

about

so fast,
world

smallest
than

really

The

even-handed

inquiry

--

have

rule

What to

then

have

So we must

law.

clan.

choice,

isn't

all

this

of

do?

you learn

my hands.

most.

has
is
thing.

it?"

into
this

in the

know what

this

of your

and washed

you see

so far

of

death

law,
Again

from your

"What

is

it

then,

African?"

different

I don't

down the

all

works."

truly

of completeness

cut

You cannot

wrong

and now dropped

be something

nothing.

what

the

rule

is

to have

satisfied.

of independent

members

my fingers

that's

the

loyalties.

you make the

that's

"Ah,

of

these

To a modern

But you cannot

no one

circumcision

arrange

and

am only

bridge

also.

we could

hospitals,

notion

tribal

You see

I licked

the

Masai

"I leave

Female

the

leaves

eyes.

always

choose.

a minimum.

true

certain

If

mistakes.

to

is

with

exempt

in

the

cannot

Perhaps

This

of laws,

may conflict

head

barbaric.

behind
politicians.

we

With

custom.

bleeding

and

do is

performed

rate.

meat

that

we can

Kikuyu

the

makers

suspect

All

important

these

policy
I

contradictions.

plucking

Ayot

her

bowl.

place.

is.

a unique
a

"There

street,

Perhaps

the

place,

Or maybe
just

it
the

is

fish

seem to

some sense
when he has

African,

having

on time.

He has

so
that
land.

the

does

even

perspective

fragile

Maybe it's

sucked

Some essence,

man on the
it

had

he

must

take

we have

known

I don't

know.

Maybe I am also

the

here

People

too

long.

States,

it

seems

Without

her

had

told

a laughing

lit

in

was said

they

the

walked

lights

out

do

night

friends,

them."
--

world.
interested
~ho's

There

with

the

I remembered

the

night

out.
--

and

on

the

stories

runners

glow

hippos

there's
just

authentically

her

first

must

be

shaped

her

face

they

are

very

area.

It

to

one

speak

nothing

really

well,

herself."

Alas,

"But

who's

to

she
is

has

not
her

Luo.

suppose.

In

authentically

11

on.
the
for

Luo.

Not even

talk

with

bits

live

in

the

end,

African,

her

and pieces

properly,

I am beginning
They

no use

Sometimes,

language

do.

back

in Nairobi

11

They take

German,

once ...

popped

to

Swahili,

herself.

a daughter

listen

to me.

to

as

head.

our

I remember

light-bulbs

language

gibberish

Learn

be many in

at night.

When I

English,

Yes,

My daughter,

English.
like

then!
to

her

laughed

in

use

and shook

this.

It's

the

went

kept

the

runners,

candle

--

Ayot

myself

night

the

sounds

up with

house

she

and their

had died,

is

of everything
fed

the

You know,

it

that

candles,

the

candles

darkness,

on eventually.

runners.
It

When I visit

in

the

remarked

the

away from

more common, she said

as they

the

come

Swahili.

lights

light

the

darkness.

As suddenly
Ayot blew

here.

other

stay

mask.

"You know about

powerful

each

the

to

and

Ayot

I cannot

place."

all

in

us,

I know that

were becoming

Sitting

responsible.
into

warning,

my lighter

mantlepiece.

to

lonely

-- blackouts

handed

Abongo

talk

a very

any

Ayot sighed

romantic.

I get
I tell

to

resign

a mixed-up
I m less
than

one

Auma suggested
the

door.

She gave

good to meet
yourself
door

more

I realized

away.

families
in

luggage,

counters

hand,

a large

open

at

a good

one
idea

--

everybody

for

my mother,

hope

of

fitting

the

going
basket

clicked

her
"Relax,

cleared
held

the

seemed

11

conversation,

us,

any books.

with

insisted

it

I take

I wasn't

about

the

so

had
along

dimensions

of

of

late

as

still

seemed

like

a gift

from

there

Now,
sure.

beer

sack

until

my suitcase.

at

down nervously

a burlap

basket,

that

wagons

We were

with

the

buzzing

around

my grandparents,
into

from

we arrived

I looked

that

us

half-empty

watches.

the

you find

a shapeless,

circles

line,

was

as I packed,

when

bar

in

it

to

as

I told
a dead

was no

I thought
Auma that
body.

She

impatiently.

she

up a ball

for

bought

customs,
just

tongue

customs,

Behind

booty

through

her

their

my sister,

to

day,

was covered

had

waved

into

us

"Well,

next

in the

that

When we'd

them

about

my place

basket

end.

at

she

small

led

"I do hope

a madhouse

the

Ayot

the

scampering

glancing

wicker

said.

collapsing

around

children

and as I took

ask

were

lines

gathered

tourists

usual,

to

and

my hand.

and

was only

forgotten

with

she

I smiled,
It

late,

and shook

Obama,"

questions."

Airport,

bottles

was getting

Auma a hug,

check-out

Kenyatta

it

Mr. Barack

we had

The

at

you,

as we drove

mob,

that

said.
we'll

"Stop

make sure

of hemp rope.
a portly
and

being

looked

such

an American.

the

whole

"Better

than

American
down

in
at

11

thing

secure."

She

overheard

our

Samsonite."

a safari
the

is

Once you've

basket

suit

with

bemused

expression.

the

"Quite

a piece

"Yeah,

well .. "

front

of the

of

luggage

you got

Auma ignored

line.

there."

the

The American

man and

asked

fought

me where

her

way to

I was from.

"Chicago."

wife

"Oh,

yeah?

have

been

on a ten-day

his

neck

He craned
suppose

to

I'm

from

you like

"Beautiful.
friendly,

too

saw that

what

organized,

though.

management

training.

Before
dragging

the

the

at

passed

trip?"

all

basket

for

the

The

country,

woman,

anyway?"

couple.

"She's

tax ... "

we'd

line

I
sales

burlap

The

people

expected."

hadn't

finish,

by its

that

Me and my

I asked.

what

could

Worth.

African

country.

Now, our
man

Where is

on some exit
your

not

Fort

a well-dressed

Beautiful
--

myself.

safari.

around

be checking

"How'd

Indiana

He looked

budged.

mean.
force

They
in Fort

towards

real
up and

"Not

very

well

could

use

some

Worth ... "

Auma rushed
sleeve

were

up

and

started

the

front

of the

line.
"Where

are

you going?"

come,

Barack."

apologetic

look.

"Just
him

an

counter,

found

like

heads
you've
"I ... its

and
had

Following

Granny,

woman who I recognized

their

The American

stepped
quite

been

Jane
to
out

a nice
terrific."

and

be Ms.
from
stay,"

glared

at

Auma to

an

Abongo
Omoro.

She
the

she

said.

counter.

I gave

check-in

around

smiled

Omoro leaned

and

empty

circled

behind

As Ms.

me,

at

a tall
me over

"It

down to

looks

help

Auma with
looked

the

rope,

up at
"This

one

were

said.

"Look!

and

she

the

went

pictures

his

of my shirt.

Granny

already

join

other

Beside

"You need

see

her,

Jane

a Luo wife,

how hard-working

she

and
Jane

11

is.

And

checked

in

you many children."

Ms. Omoro,

Abo and

with

my bags

Bernard,

were

who were

Auma' s camera.

busy

Abo waved,

taking

and grabbled

arm.

to

toes

back

said.

pigeons.

give

to

of each

shoes."

on the

Granny

women discussed

"Barry!
shoes

like

will

over

me by the

good!"

You can

Ah,

very

nodding

While

a tug

me and winked.

Abongo

strong!

I felt

understand

Bernard.

This,

I followed

his

that
I

making

a series

"Don't

listen

to him,

have

believe,

gaze

inside

you

is

down to

not

a pair

of wiggling
Barry,"

given

your

basketball

fair.

of dirty

Look

at

my

sneakers,

the

"You already

gave

dents.

Bernard

said.

so many T-shirts."
"If

you

like

the

T-shirts

so much,

I will

trade

you

for

the

shoes."
"Don't
arrived.

be stupid.
How can

I admitted
As

I now give

that

compensation,

carrying
shook

in
his

warm on the

plane.

of his

pocket,

back

things
I

my arm.

head.

Barry

promised
them to

didn't

offered

"That's

ok,

to

the

at

the

Barry.

old

out

the

scuffs
You will

13

torn

even between

leather

But maybe you can do this

he pulled

me when he

first

you?"

seem entirely

Abo

He looked

these

half

jacket

and torn
need

them.
I

lining

and

to

keep

me."

Out

of an envelope.

on

thing

this

was

for

one

side

Adidas

was

Track

cassettes
he

--

had

hand-written

Suit

(Waist

30).

Bob Marley,

written

Compliments,

and

White

Gregory

Jane's
Samson

list,

down

Mocassins

Isaacs.

address,

read

and

(Size

At the

signed

the
10).

bottom

it

items.
Reggae

of the

officiously.

list
"With

Obama."

I was impressed

with

his

thoroughness.

"I'll

see

what

I can

do."
"Thanks,

Barry.

A half-hour
promised
zipped

to

and

write,

fifteen

trying

to

push

suffering

Omoro came up,

listened

let

Granny
"She

handed

her

says

under
"She

you

our

arms

the

barrier,

she

Granny
into

forgot

It's

has
help

a loud

everyone,

metal

past

way past

I hugged
detector.

a glass

the

her

complaint,

divider

armed

through

I had
when I

security

guard.

scolding

when Ms.

and convinced

the

guard

something,
passbook.

" Ms.

Omoro

said.

The Old Man's

Granny

letters

were

no

use

up her

handshake.

for
hand,

such

old

I held

things,

" Ms.

up mine,

When she had gone

Omoro

and we swung

back

out

through

Ms. Omoro laughed.

"You have
"Yep.

gone

Auma!"

a new rubber-band.

says

explained.

the

us.

through.

me my grandfather's

slipped

her

with

later,

through

patiently
to

a picture

pictures

and already

was

to

guard

take

and stepped

up my carry-on

saw Granny
The

Now come,

quite

Yes,

been

a family,"

she

said.

since

that

I do."

over

four

years

first

trip

to Kenya

--

long

time,

although

to Harvard,
Review

and did

there

finally

met

unassuming
five
small

matter

result
Boston

to

our

long-lost

uncle;

Frankfurt

with

German

security

him,

to meet

them

all

to

with

the

relatives,

Luo

soon

long

my wife

from

the

when

her

out

cool;

in part
mine.

put

of

none

sweet,
twenty-

got

this

Granny

her

left
from

date,

Auma in

up

had been

able

fish

know.

I took

her

money to

and

of words

to

Yusef,

wondering

such

an inarticulate

husband.

though,

life

seemed

gotten

have

fly

success

up with

to

back

she knew in

letter

perhaps

that

don't

was an immediate

was

rounded

of us had the

number

her

flight

of pickled
I still

to

already

flight

language,

dictated

marriage

fly

simply

As a

connecting

had

my wife

Granny
the

her

bundle

the

in to

separated

customs,

because

he

heights

our wedding

In Alego,

for

until

got

she

the

since

be

visa

long

much sign

got

I had

Cambridge,

to

The

before

through

family,

approval

countryside,

In

new

she

minutes

son

Chicago.

could

that

States

to

and I announced

surpassed
her

Even

How she

the

reported

Law

Nairobi

and Naturalization.

raised

and with

her

When my wife

the

student

the

of the

although

turned

Immigration

Alego.

kept

guard,

for

they

his

I went

presidency

District.
he

in

fifteen
she

to Kenya

Siaya

leave

which

Auma paged.

brought

when

yesterday.

Roy, Auma and I chipped

though.

depart,

granting

not

problem,

Airport

have

could

reputation

to

she'd

so

only

in Kenya,

who had overstayed

resolved

unimpressed,

to

in

see

formidable

due

schooled

of this

were

to the

confusion

and

and

it

my election

some

engineer

years

as if

much excitement

created

raised

seems

well;

caused

newspapers
been

it

how
Away

harder.

The economy
and

had

street

worsened,

crime.

unresolved,

The case

and Kazia

Neither

Bernard,

although

they

force,

Said

how to drive
and were

nor

again

off

AIDS.
in

happy

to

see

could

his

overlooking

of his

bridge

through

her

not

speak

yet

was
to

each
steady

Abo was

considering

the

started

talking

about

We tried

to

matatu.

cousin,

had

saw him,

he was emaciated

conversations.

But

of

that

still
other.
work,
police

learning

see

George,

been

stricken

and prone

to

nod

calm

and

of the

two

he had

seemed

I send

him a photograph

days.

He died

deaths

away.

to

be interned

and chasing

in his

sleep

the

heartache

in

before

died

last

have

who'd

year,

after

a kick

more

time

had gone

on
a few

laughed
from the
playing
out

with

taps.
the

wedding

goes

veteran,

with

My mother

field

he

Cemetary,

ceremony,

spent

battle

playing

War II

gotten

as

before

year,

National

attendance.

father,

away

As a World

he would

of that

too

was a small

on the

a bugle

passed

Punchbowl

sargeant

women than
and

at

My wife's

known,

Gramps

It

that

young

salute

ever

partners

saying

year.

cancer.

Honolulu.

wild

that

I've

prostrate

and golf

the

all

inheritance

found

gregarious

with

tears,

a three-gun

had

a used

daughter

a hill

For

Bernard

a man as

he was entitled

cards

hopeful

in better

a lot

bout

that

had

corruption

it.

decent

give

of

taken

were

prolonged

fact

Said,

nor

me, and asked

send

and

Abo,

my robust,

we'd

There
good

did

in

unsuccessful.

middle

of us that
I could

still

When I last

the

rises

of my father's

and purchasing

And Billy,
with

and

correspondent

and Sarah

remained

while

with

forward.

My grandmother
in

from

and mother

Germany,

married

by

Trinity

United

the

South

to

cake,

"Never

taken

of

so that

At the

reception,

to
true,

and wise,
black
the

of

at

her

take

are

look

little

kente

cloth

Latin

swinging
just

of

Parnell,

on

my new aunts
in

their

" one of them says

she

to

who she's

and

can

five-

hand

young

heirs

and cumberbunds
can

the
lovely

join

them,

sounds

of

as Maya,
17

me

And its

both

olive

beautiful

skin

and long

protection

of

six-year

old

cousins,

who

and as the

two

ceremony,

lead
to

tells

the

entire
and

should

She seeks

and

the

and

herself.

her

11

advances

my wife

woman,

with

with!

the

old

but

handle

my picture

dealin

off

too

grumble,

gown.

get

fending

slick

countess

during

caps

to
as

"I better

a full-grown

bridesmaid

like

if

tie.

sister
I see

still

they

Auma looks

things,

are

sanctuary

and
fine,

I?"

his

too

Maya by either

Auma asks

the

and

themselves

of mine remembers

my wife's

floor,

circle,

out

and

and black

impressively

them

don't

I start

like

ring-bearers,

stood

admiring

my little

looking

hair

in

very

I see Maya politely

who

because

I look

uncles

sharp,

know better.

relax

looks

Auma flies

My wife

on Ninety-fifth

worn one of these

wife

brothers

definitely

Hawaii,

I say.

quick,

some

Jr.

Everyone

He straightens

11

from

D. c.

from

Christ,

"Look

sharp,"

in

Wright

my new

me cheerfully.

"Shoot.

of

of Chicago.

tuxedos.

"Too

arrives

Jeremiah

Church

the

rented

Roy

Reverend

Side

admiring

and

and Maya fly

her

out

Africa's

onto

the

dance

empire

in

their

and bow ties.

and together

the

jazz

although

the

band
her

in

eyes

four
the
are

form
corner.
a little

puffy,

for

mother,

to

my surprise,

of course

-- who cried

had come up to
Man would
teaching

squeeze

be if
the

salsa

grab

taking

no prisoners.

still

to

the

going

friends,

you,
But

him

Obongo

reassert
Islam,

and

works

at

Kenya

once

all

They

tell

makes

his

Luo

accounting

when
there

I took

our

everyone

my wife

who passed

Obongo's

with

he

Bernard

to

see

a plague
the

new life-style

import

the

where

is

--

In

and

years

ago

is

talking

to

my

the

subject
let

Actually

years

ago

and

he

me

we call
decided

business,

moving

for

Man's

He told
and hoped

bare

grave,
cement

back
and

himself

and Abo on a full-time

Old

He still

when my wife
a hut

to

religion,

alcohol.

about

compound.

left

and

is,

girlfriend,

Roy.

fact,

building

the

and

teeth

my bride

of whom are

talks

man who was buried

has

the

to our grandfather's

but

his

to employ

was finally

two

firm,

grandfather's

may pay enough

for

money.

Margaret

up three

is

tobacco

mother

moved forward

all

and

enough

now

Owens

pork

he was busy

away from

of

name,

off

her

fine!

He converted

sworn

he has

are

me proudest

his

As I watch

to

friends

she
Old

dressed

both

my

the

and

we set

than

me how proud

Loretta

Johnnie

Hawaii

other
Afterwards,

me how beautiful

them

him in Home Squared,

he'd

them

program

from

heritage.
has

boys,

of

--

ceremony.

of this.

Bobby and Greg,

boys

now,

his

all

the

arm,

one

and tell

among my wife's

those
what

of

only

the

seen

Behind

of much discussion
tell

have

counseling

strong.

high-school

during

one

me by the

that

was the

me breathless

he could

Yvonne

mention

she

basis.
I

I saw
and his

me then
that

noticed

had been,

to

that

soon

it
And

that
telling

there.

him lean

and clear-eyed,

and

at

the

wedding,

and white

he

trim

my father.

patiently

nudging

any

more

because

time
we're

Not
these

that

days

he speaks

he

about

him,

we talk

can

good
to

humor,

ayway,

study

and

ask

this
his

not

and

fully
sound

the

on,

a pride

his

confidence

what

works

attitude

towards

she

to

his

the

he can't

heart

is

people

too

place

in

the

He

given
world.

begins

to

off

the

slough

generous

about

much of his

has

in

him.

gentle

worry
and when

he
to

of being

met

don't

conversion

too

talking
They

transitional

remains,

his

for

black

ways."

building,

best

stop

with

in

the

"European

he starts

puzzle

recently.
agrees

His

prone

European

dogmatic.

rancor.

look

of

and in this

laughter

I spend

He's
for

influences

own,

questions,

need

her

the

how I

tension.

calls

of his

without

see

he

if

matter

on the

silted,

magic

that

won't

without

his

for

seeing

it

poisoning

what

process,

that

been

mirror

the

he's

observation

pronouncements

harder

solutions

I notice

group,

the

in him are

stand

decides

simple

woman he's

to

base

and
in

find

disagree

that

formulas

for

floor

out

himself

the

sometimes

we can

from

venture

with

Auma for

though,

him a solid
And

door

from

are

me

remembered

to make lengthy

The words

talking

that

changes

scolds

today,

time

be late.

and

he's

fifth

to

culture,

think

the

sure

himself

brother

guests

my cuff-links,

of

liberate

older

gown

I remember

front

the

some of the

African

sure

in

man to

period

the

the

black

making

me for

me out

that

been

jitters,

telling

ring,

cap,

certainly

pre-nuptual

in his

so dignified,

and matching

He's

through

looks

can't
and

and
a black

help
full

of

forgiving,
man.

And

a black

American

an African

History

new-found

attitudes.

But

she's

African
will

only

He's

grinning
over

I walk

clear,
and

shoulders

of

the
up,

a new son,"

trembling

well

now for

thank

good,

you,

her

again,

like
dark,

that

husband,

it

and Obongo

camera,
and

while

at

least,

"Eh,

I have

two

when she

long

brother,

whose
" he says

waist.

tries

to

glass

My
"And we

say

"Obongo"

My mother's

up his

arms

new mothers."

him on the

hopelessly.

lifts

his

grandmother,

chest.

pats

although

mangles

video

my mother

looks

says,

the

of his

as he is

she

tongue

height
"it

as pale

Kansas

all

widely

reach

grandmother,

quite

one wife.

the

barely

me as

her

herself
are

have

heads

have

made

traditions

drapped

to

has

chin

of soda

water

is

for

toast.
"To those
"And to

who are
a happy

We dribble

our

many

miles

from

miles

from

South

West

African

Many miles
anything,
are

together

and

daughters

moment,

at

drinks

Hawaii

the
now,
will

least,

the

Jakarta

her

our

be watched
like

checkered-tile
or

Kansas

floor.
or

father

forefathers

once

somehow

I know,

of all

accepting

I say.

says.

my wife's

And yet

spirits

us,"

Obongo

where

where

I feel

with

onto

or

Carolina,

Alego.

that

here

ending,"

coast,
from

not

of our

fathers

offerings.
over
the

by them.
luckiest

We're

Scotland.

Many

was born,
made

their

as well

as

or the
home.
I know

and grandfathers

I believe
And for
man alive.

that
that

my sons
brief