Running Head: Deep Change Journal 1

Deep Change Journal #1

Caitlin Leffingwell
Eastern University

DEEP CHANGE JOURNAL 1

Introduction
Many years ago, my father dedicated a Scripture passage to me that has since become a
life theme: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In
all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths (Proverbs 3:5-6, English
Standard Version). Many of the insights expressed by Robert Quinns book, Deep Change,
resonated deeply with me because of my experiences with seeking to live out these verses;
learning to trust God rather than myself has allowed me to experience this spiritual process of
deep change on a personal level that subsequently overflows abundantly into my professional life
(Quinn, 1996, p.78). Although Quinn (1996) is certainly accurate in noting that [o]rganizational
and personal growth seldom follows a linear plan, (p.67) this journal retellsor
remythologizesmy journey in light of this beautiful concept and, in doing so, exemplifies the
beneficial process of weaving once scattered experiences into a meaningful whole (p.83).
Personal Life
One of my most defining characteristics as a child was a sort of precocious intelligence
that enthralled teachers, bemused peers, and drove my parents rather insane. I naturally excelled
academically, athletically, musically, and even sociallya reality that meant I was neither very
hesitant to try new things nor very humble when I succeeded. Yet moving to a new state in fifth
grade and entering the dreaded adolescent years drastically dampened this seemingly
unshakeable confidence, to the point that my defining feature throughout most of middle and
high school became a constant struggle with severe depression and anxiety. In many ways, those
years exemplified Quinns concept of slow death, in which I felt like a victim trapped in a
cycle of meaninglessness, hopelessness, and impotence due to something that felt far beyond
my control (Quinn, 1996, p. 21).

DEEP CHANGE JOURNAL 1

Although terrible in countless ways, this lonely struggle became so ingrained in my

identity that for years I even found myself consciously choosing the eerie comfort of its
companionship rather than the unknown terror of being free. The choice to remain in this reality
even when I could escape stemmed largely from the fact that Slow death is the devil we know,
so we prefer it to the devil we do not know (Quinn, 1996, p.25). I had fought this particular
monster for so long that I no longer had the courage to slay it even when I had the means
fearing that its absence would only leave room for a bigger monster to come along.
This peace and pay strategy (p.22) lasted for many years, and it eventually dragged me
to a point of ultimate despair and frustration (p.86) that forced me to choose between literal
life and death (Quinn, 1996). As Quinn (1996) notes, only when pain gets excruciating are we
willing to humble ourselves and consider new actions that may allow us to progress in our new
situation (p.66). Unable to rely on my own strength for the first time in my life, I finally reached
that desperate place where We must acknowledge our own weakness, greed, insensitivity, and
lack of vision and courage. If we do so, we begin to understand the clear need for a course
correction, and we slowly begin to reinvent our self (Quinn, 1996, p.68).
Fortunately, the very moment when I faced my own absolute inadequacy was also the
moment that God stepped in to reveal His full sufficiency. In choosing to reinvent myself as a
daughter of God and friend of Christ, rather than a sinner lost to death, I embarked on what has
truly become a heros journey...to a strange place where there are a lot of risks and much is at
stake, a place where there are new problems that require us to think in new ways (Quinn, 1996,
p.45). Just as this journey requires us to surrender our present self and step outside our old
paradigms (Quinn, 1996, p.45), so the Bible tells us to put off your old self,[f] which belongs
to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the

DEEP CHANGE JOURNAL 1

spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true
righteousness and holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24, ESV).
This lifelong process of self-transformation has certainly proved challenging and holds its
own share of new monsters (including some unfinished battles with old monsters), but I have
noticed myself approaching each arising challenge with a new kind of precociousnessone
marked more and more by courageous reliance on Jesus Christ and a subsequent unconditional
confidence, or capacity to get lost with confidence (Quinn, 1996, p.77). As my terror turns to
faith (p.12) and my selfishness dies, I am learning to no longer fear new experiences nor boast
in my own strengthinstead finding strength, power, vitality, and energy in change as I trust
my Creator to provide fully for my needs (Quinn, 1996, p.78).
Professional Life
Affirming Quinns repeated assertion that deep personal change begets deep
organizational change, I have noticed many connections between such personal growth and my
professional work. In choosing to trust Gods generous grace rather than rely on my own prideful
abilities, I have chosen the ongoing process of deep change rather than the acceptance of slow
death. This choice has offered me a new perspective that is helping me navigate the very new
territory of this so-called real world (Quinn, 1996, p.66). Just as my current mental state differs
drastically from my mental state from just a few years ago, this working world differs drastically
from the educational environments that I have more or less left behind. Operating effectively
within this new mental and physical territory requires continuous regenerationa change that
bubbles from within and overflows into professional settings.
Although all of my jobsmost of which have been in the public or social service sectors
have helped me see both the beauty and brokenness in this world to a greater degree, a

DEEP CHANGE JOURNAL 1

stunning commonality across all positions has been the proliferation of hypocritical blame games
that workers engage in at all levels. This lack of ownership often seems to align with a victim
mentality, in which self-interest triumphs over collective responsibility in a devastating cycle
of hopelessness (Quinn, 1996, p.19). Pointing fingers becomes especially tempting once this selfinterested mentality becomes the accepted norm, and I have certainly found myself blaming
others for situations to which I contributed.
However, my new personal perspective also gives me the courage to see failure as an
opportunity for grace and growthencouraging me to take responsibility for my own actions
and move forward with more integrity. As Quinn (1996) writes, The heart of effectiveness,
Torbert argues, is building integrity through the constant observation of ones lack of integrity
(p.76). Knowing that I am accepted as a daughter of God because Jesus makes me perfect gives
me the strength needed to face my inadequacy and seek constant improvements that start with
personal change rather than living out the incongruity of asking for change in others while
failing to exhibit the same level of commitment in [myself] (Quinn, 1996, p.32). Moreover,
living out this desire for change ultimately leads to change in others. When my violin students
began constantly blaming each other for issues in our classroom, reprimanding them proved far
less effective than my intentional efforts to begin modeling heartfelt apologies for my own
mistakes in class; within a few months, I found that they were becoming more comfortable with
their own mistakes and more responsible for their own behaviora beautiful change indeed!
Along these lines, one of my biggest areas of personal weakness is my addiction to taskoriented busyness. Intrinsically related to residual struggles with anxiety, this tendency often
leaves me trapped by a logic of task pursuit that limits my effectiveness and harms
relationships; under pressure, the pursuit of task drives out any thought of [routine]

DEEP CHANGE JOURNAL 1

maintenance (p.60) and begins enticing me to use busyness as a sort of narcotic (p.20)
convincing me that working harder is easier than stopping to make deeper change (Quinn, 1996).
The more anxious I am to accomplish tasks, the more I withdraw and become incapable of truly
producing any quality work. As such, my only hope in these situations is to learn from the advice
illuminated through stories like Arthur Gordons A Day at the Beach, in which the main
character escapes from the cycle of task pursuit by pausing to reflect inwardly:
Once he makes these internal adjustments, his external problems are less of an issue. If
his motives, conscience, and capabilities are aligned, he will perform to his best ability,
no matter what the external problem. Success is likely, but even if he experiences
failures, he will have done the right things. In an important way, the man changes the
world by changing himself. (Quinn, 1996, p.62)
Practicing this renewed mentality has led to numerous benefits in my professional life as I learn
to do my best without crossing the line into senseless unproductivityimproving my quality of
work as well as benefiting those around me in the process.
Conclusion
Far from being a one-time fix, choosing deep change has truly been the start of a journey
to many new places in both my personal and professional life. Letting go of old monsters
ultimately freed me to face new territory with courage and strength, such that I am now able to
handle the many challenges of my professional life in ways that my old self could not have even
imagined. Such growth is certainly ongoing, but it is fueled by a mindset of unconditional, yet
humble, confidence that comes from knowing I can thrive even when lost and imperfecta
confidence that allows me to come alongside other lost ones in our journey away from slow
death and toward deep change for ourselves and for our world.

DEEP CHANGE JOURNAL 1

References
Quinn, R. (1996). Deep change: Discovering the leader within. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.