Sean C.

Riley
Speech 218, Section 1
Peter Mantey
Due on 2/29/16
Book Report: The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict
In the book, The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict, the authors, Erik A. Fisher and
Steven W. Sharp, draw upon Fishers experiences as a psychologist to explore how power and
emotions are at the center of daily conflicts, and how we can learn to better manage conflicts
with a greater comprehension and awareness of these ideas.
The core idea of the book is the notion that all conflicts are power struggles. The authors
even go so far as to say that life itself is about a struggle for power. In some form or another, we
are always trying to increase our own power out of a Darwinian imperative to assure our own
survival. While most social conflicts are not life-threatening, the urges still exist and can be
especially strong when we are feeling powerless to affect the course of our lives.
According to the authors, power consists of a range of feelings, perceptions, or
emotions. In this sense, power is an illusion, existing only because we believe it to exist. That
belief is rooted in perceptions of strength and authority, and the emotions that make us feel
powerful or powerless, or lead others to perceive us in those ways.
If power is merely a matter of perception, then it follows that power can never actually be
taken away from us. Power can only be willingly surrendered. But why would we willingly
surrender power? Sometimes it isnt done consciously. When we feel intimidated or backed into
a corner, we often surrender our power because we feel we have no other choice. There are also
times when we surrender power in order to gain power, such as when we play the victim.

Most of our society is built on a hierarchical power system. Within a hierarchical system,
every person fits into a defined place in a vertical ladder of authority and accountability. This is
most evident in a corporate office structure, in which employees have increasing power and
responsibility the higher up on the ladder they are. Gaining in status and power often means
reducing someone elses. In most hierarchical systems, such power changes occur when someone
with more power alters the power of one or more members of the system. Examples include a
boss promoting an employee, or a parent telling one of the children that they are in charge of
the young siblings while the parent is out running errands. This leads to people looking outward
to gain power rather than inward to strengthen their own belief in their power.
Another kind of power structure, an equity power system, promotes equality between
members. Consider a support group in which every member has a voice and no one has authority
over another. The authors state that The equity system asserts that from the moment of birth, or
before, everyone is equal in power. An equity system is designed to maintain that equal level of
power. However, equal does not mean the same. The system allows people to utilize their
strengths for the good of the greater whole. The authors advocate an equity system because it
engenders trust and respect, since everyone in it is contributing for mutual benefit.
Even an equity power structure will not avoid all conflicts. It remains for us to understand
more specifically the roles we play in conflicts, so we can see when we are contributing to the
conflict rather than resolving it. The authors tell us about four key players in conflicts, all of
whom seek power in their own way; the victim, the persecutor, the rescuer, and the instigator.
Anyone can play any of these roles, and even play more than one role in the same conflict.
The victim feels harmed or disempowered by another person. It might come in the form
of being controlled, cheated, abandoned, or otherwise negatively affected. The victim must

believe that they had no control over the misfortune that befell them. Being blameless allows
them to avoid feeling responsibility, guilt, or failure, and therefore they do not need to change
anything. The victim surrenders power in order to gain power. By portraying themselves as
powerless against their persecutor, the victim attracts sympathy and aid. Their power is exercised
through manipulating others to react to their oppression.
The natural opponent of the victim is the persecutor. This player tries to decrease
anothers power in order to seem more powerful themselves. The persecutor has more power
than the victim, though this may be because the victim has surrendered their own power. While
the persecutor is often a bully, they can just as easily be acting in retaliation for persecution by
someone elses hand. Unlike victims, persecutors do not try to portray themselves as such. In
many cases, the persecutor will not realize that they are perceived that way. If they do, they will
deny it and may behave like angels in front of onlookers. Nobody wants to be seen as the bully.
The rescuer comes to the aid of the victim to save them from the conflict, acting as the
victims advocate or champion. Rescuers are often drawn to the role out of a desire for
recognition. They want to be appreciated and, in some cases, owed something for their efforts.
They increase their power through the glory (and perhaps debts) gained by coming to the rescue.
However, though they may gain power, it is important to note that the rescuer must always begin
with more power than the persecutor, just as the persecutor has more power than the victim. This
is necessary for the rescuer to be able to exert their power to overcome the persecutor.
The instigator is the person that generates the conflict. Interestingly, any of the other three
roles can also be instigators, or the instigator might be an outsider that otherwise does not seem
to be part of the conflict. The motivation behind the instigator can vary widely, from feeling

powerful for manipulating others into a conflict, to maintaining power by deflecting attention
away from oneself to someone else.
It comes as no surprise that our emotions play an important part in conflict. Emotions that
appear strong, such as anger, humor, confidence, happiness, or hatred, are often used for selfprotection. They shield what we see as the weaker emotions that make us vulnerable: include
sadness, fear, shame, confusion, failure, jealousy, and so on. The authors are careful to say that
these emotions seem strong or weak, but that this is just another illusion. As stated in Chapter
Nine, we need each emotion in our life and that value exists in all of them. Even the emotions
that we feel make us vulnerable are necessary. Fear, for instance, exists to steer us away from
dangerous situations. Without fear, we might not survive long at all.
Emotions can also play into our choices about which role to play. Someone that gives in
to fear or sadness is more likely to play the victim, while someone feeling a great deal of anger
or rage may become a persecutor, or even a rescuer if their wrath is directed at a persecutor.
Possessing an understanding of power, the players, and emotions involved in a conflict
goes far toward resolving it. However, this understanding is a tool, not a strategy. There is no
single strategy that will work in every conflict, but there are some things to keep in mind that
will almost always be helpful.
Be willing to surrender some of your power. A person who doesnt feel that they must
fight to hold onto or gain power is more likely to also surrender some of their own. I personally
imagine that, even in a hierarchical system, this helps to create an equity microsystem that allows
two sides of a conflict to stand on even ground to resolve their issues.
Recognize the roles each participant in the conflict is playing. Examine your own role
and how you might be influencing others to play their roles.

Be aware of the emotions that are influencing your decisions. Ask yourself why you are
feeling those emotions. Are you trying to protect yourself? If so, from what? Also pay attention
to the emotions of other participants and examine why they might be feeling that way. This is a
case where perception checking can be tremendously useful.
Remember that conflict resolution is not about winning or losing. It is about achieving
understanding and finding a balance of power.
As I read The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict, I began to view my daily interactions
in terms of fluctuations of power and the roles we play. Even situations that are not necessarily
conflicts can involve an exchange of power. When I am going to lunch with a friend and he
leaves it up to me to decide where to go, like the victim he is surrendering his power to me and
avoiding of the risk of choosing a place that I dont care for. At the same time, when he is the one
paying for the meal, he is like the rescuer in that he is solving a problem for me (my hunger) and
benefiting from my gratitude and praise, thus increasing his power.
As of this writing, I have yet to experience a significant conflict since reading the book.
Looking back at previous conflicts, I can see where the lessons I have learned could have been of
great use. Just having the vocabulary that the book provides gives me the perspective to see
where I have previously played victim, persecutor, rescuer, and instigator, and how I could have
handled things in a healthier way. I am developing a new ability to recognize these behaviors in
myself and visualize the struggle for power in a conflict. I believe this will make me an easier
person to get along with, and also improve my marriage and make me a better parent.
In spite of our best efforts, conflict is going to enter our lives. With the knowledge and
strategies that Fisher and Sharp present in The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict, we can turn
those conflicts into opportunities for understanding.