FORGIVENESS

Nelson Mandela:
Oscar Wilde:
John F. Kennedy:

"Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your
enemies".
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.
Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.

Forgiveness is a huge buzzword these days. Everyone says

you should do it. Doctors say youll be healthier if you do
it. For some, forgiveness is a moral obligation, a directive
from God; for others, it is simply part of being a decent
person.
But what exactly is forgiveness? Is it condoning the other
persons behaviour? Denying your own pain so another
person can feel better?
Is it letting another off the hook? Is it as simple as letting go of a balloon that floats
away into the atmosphere? And why do it? Is there a downside?

How our biology responds to unfairness and injustice

We respond to all threat and trauma the same way: the emotional centres of our brain
trigger the stress response and feelings of fear and anger. This is the bodys way of
protecting you. Stress isnt always bad.
In small doses, it can help you meet threat and challenge and perform under pressure
and motivate you to do your best.
But modern life is full of hassles, deadlines, frustrations, and demands. For many

people, stress is so commonplace that it has become a way of life. But beyond a certain
point, the stress response stops being helpful and starts causing major damage to your
health, your mood, your productivity, your relationships, and your quality of life.
Adding to the background burden of stress of
everyday living is:
the effect of the additional unresolved burden of
injustice towards us by others that hurt us
(directly and indirectly) and
our own actions for which we regret and feel
guilty about. This is when we have violated our
own standards and expectations.
These can creates emotional wounds that affect us not only at the time of the stressful
incident, but every time we later recall it, leaving us with lasting feelings of resentment,
anger, bitterness, shame, regret and even vengeance.
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The intrusive effect and cost to us of our unresolved past trauma

Your body and subconscious do not know that
the images you play in your head are just
memories.
To your body, they are just as real as if they are
happening right now, so if you are locked in pain
and anger with someone or something from
your past, you are still living that experience.
As long as you are unable to forgive ourselves and others, you will carry all of your
unhealed traumas in your body. When you have been repeatedly running a negative
emotional scenario in your mind, you create a hard-wired neural connection to that
trauma that puts your cells in a profound flight or fight response.
When these cells divide, they code more cell receptors for fear, anger, rage, etc. and
leave fewer receptor sites for taking in food, oxygen and completely healthy cell
functions. Perpetually holding onto emotions such as anger and resentment becomes
YOUR problem, not the other persons. You are the one experiencing the stress.
Additionally, lack of forgiveness binds you in a
toxic relationship to the person who hurt you.
By your resentment and obsession with the
person who hurt you, you are keeping him or
her with you all of the time.
They are standing between you and every other
relationship; they are involved in your every
activity, from the broadest to the most intimate,
colouring your perceptions and tainting your
reality.
The irony is that by not forgiving and releasing the person who hurt you, you imprison
yourself to them emotionally. These are your problems because YOU are the one
suffering.
Not forgiving tends to brings about the actual consequence that you may fear will
happen if they do forgive. In this mindset, you can bring about the very things you are
trying to avoid rejection, abandonment and criticism, being lied to and pushed
around. This is crushing to your self-esteem and can further entrench beliefs of not
being good enough and of being undeserving, causing you to isolate yourself and
reject the people and advice that could be helpful to move you out of this role.
This can lead to you the situation where you do not take care of yourself and, believing
that you are helpless, do nothing to improve the quality of your life.
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Many people make matters worse by abusing substances, overeating, driving away
supportive people, not exercising, etc... keeping their energy level low, and causing
more feelings of guilt and shame and creating new problems to handle.
To forgive is to free yourself from past suffering and
a toxic relationship. The benefit is for the you as the
forgiver. Its only when you heal the trauma and
release the effects of the past that you start to heal by
stop the creation in your body of the next generation
of cell receptors for anger, rage, resentment, fear and
so on.
Its an act done in self-interest setting yourself free
so the past no longer dominates your thoughts and
the way you feel.
It is true that at one time, you were a victim. But
staying in the role is one of the most damaging
consequences of not forgiving.
Forgiveness liberates us from the need for personal
vengeance, the perception of oneself as a victim and
the control that perception has over our psyche.
Unhooking yourself from the emotions and mindset of trauma is the way to do this so
we can live in the present rather than the past.

Why is forgiveness such a challenge?

If forgiveness is such a good idea, why do we find it
to be such a challenge? Most people have heard of
the word, been told it is a good idea to do it and
agree with it, at least in principle.
But they may struggle or have objections when there is a need to actually do it because
they do not understand what it really is and what is involved.

What is Forgiveness?
Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a
change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense. They let go of negative emotions
such as resentment and need for revenge.
It is also the releasing expectations of further actions such as an apology, compensation
or an act of contrition as a condition for forgiveness.
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Forgiveness is also understanding and accepting that:

nothing we do to punish them will heal us, and

nothing we can do now will change the past. (Doing and undoing eg their
apologising, can never be the same as never having been done.) All we can do
is stop the past from affecting us now.
Theres a third aspect to forgiveness. Its really spiritual growth on your part. This is
when you develop a broader perspective of compassion towards the offender and an
increased ability to wish them well through what is obviously a turbulent journey. This
perspective is when you insightfully:
a)

recognise their inherent worth (a deep worth that is not dependent on such
things as possessions, ability, behaviour, appearance, group membership, and so
forth).
The benefit to you in doing this is that first you must recognise and increasingly
acknowledge your OWN inherent worth. You will then recognise this in all others
(including the offender) and are content you turn your moral judgement of them
over to God.

b)

understand that in the most broad sense, they didnt and dont know any better
and they have a lot of growing up to do.
You observe that they have about as much insight to
their behaviour as a puppet, though their beliefs are
otherwise and they think themselves to be their own
person.
This lack of insight does not excuse their behaviour.
But you can have some empathy for them to the
degree you realize that they did not have the capacity
to exercise real choice (though they were and are
under the illusion they did).
You may then also feel gratitude for the blessings in
your life that have allowed you to see the perspective
that they are coming from an impoverished state of
mind and heart. Knowing this, somewhere in your
heart space, you are able to genuinely mentally wish
them well on their journey to spiritual growth.
In doing this, you release them from all energetic entanglement with you as you
wish them bon voyage.

Summary Take Away Thought

If all you take away from this information is that a need to forgive is first a clinical
need for trauma relief, you will have achieved the important perspective. This is the
take away thought. All else that forgiveness entails is useful to understand, optional
on your part, but only be possible after trauma release.
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Misunderstandings about what forgiveness is are main reasons many people

dont attempt it in the first place. It is first helpful to look at what it is not in order

to allay common concerns.

1.

Forgiveness is not forgetting that something painful happened.

Forgive and forget seem to go together. However, the process of forgiving
involves acknowledging to yourself the wrong that was done to you, reflecting on
it, and deciding how you want to think about it.
By forgiving the people who hurt you, you do not erase past experiences from
your memory. Those have had a great deal to teach you, both about not being
victimized again and about not victimizing others.

2.

Forgiveness is not being weak, condoning unkindness or making you

vulnerable.
You do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. By
forgiving the people who hurt you, you are not saying that what was done was
acceptable or unimportant. It is not about excusing poor behaviour. Nor is it
giving other people permission to continue hurtful behaviours.
You may be using anger, bitterness and resentment as a barrier to protect you
from pain and self-doubt. It may be the only way you know to keep distance
between you and the person you will not forgive. Forgiveness does not mean
putting yourself in a position to be harmed again. You can forgive someone and
still take healthy steps to protect yourself, including choosing not to reconcile.
Withholding forgiveness can initially give you a false sense of power and control
over someone who has hurt you and be seen as a way of keeping you safe. In fact,
the proper process of forgiving makes you stronger, not vulnerable.

3.

Forgiveness is not denying or minimizing your hurt.

It does not mean you give up having feelings. The injuries and injustices you
experienced were painful and unfair when they originally occurred. Its not
saying: Oh, its fine what they did to me Ive forgiven them. You can retain
your ability to be angry but use it more wisely and certainly not let it take over
your life.

4.

Forgiveness is not pardoning.

We excuse a person who is not to blame.
We forgive because a wrong was committed.
There is often the belief that the offender deserves to be punished and that not
forgiving them is the best way to do it. Implied by this is that forgiving means a
person is getting away with what they have done without having to suffer the
consequences and punishment. But the people you forgive are not absolved of all
responsibility for their actions.
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They are still responsible for what they did and must face any consequence. But
whether they actually do or not is a matter of justice, not conditional on whether
forgiveness is possible.
5.

Forgiveness does not mean reconciling with the offender.

Forgiveness is not reconciliation restoring a relationship with the offender. We
can make a separate decision about whether making an attempt to reconcile
with the person we are forgiving or whether to maintain our distance.
Although reconciliation may follow forgiveness, it is possible to forgive without
re-establishing or continuing the relationship. There may be good reasons apart
from the forgiven offence for which you do not wish to reconcile. Reconciliation
is a choice you make.
However, should reconciliation be an option you want to pursue, it is nearly
impossible with someone you have not forgiven.

6.

More misunderstandings about forgiveness:

Forgiveness is not something that only God can do. The belief that only God
can forgive is incorrect. (Its actually advised in the Lords Prayer.) You have
the authority to forgive yourself or others.

Thinking that there is nothing to forgive. This thought will stop you before
you can even get started. If an event has upset you, there IS something that
needs forgiving and letting go of.
People may deny that they were hurt as
a protective measure of coping with
emotions they feel they may not be
able to deal with. Or they may fear that
the experience will reveal them to have
some kind of fundamental flaw and that
others will see them as damaged
goods.

Its better not to even think about it: let time dull the memory and numb the
pain of the past. It can be painful to remember. Some people are so afraid
of the feelings they have shoved down that they will not even acknowledge
their existence, storing them in some sort of Pandoras Box, better left
undisturbed. It is better to think about things if at the same time you are
taking the proper action to treat the emotional hurt and the limiting beliefs
arising from them.

Misplaced loyalty. Others may not acknowledge their pain out of a sense of
loyalty. They want to protect someone and not want to admit that the same
person they love also hurt them. Misplaced loyalty is loyalty placed in other
persons or organisations where that loyalty is not acknowledged or
respected; is betrayed or taken advantage of.

Reluctance to forgive yourself. Many of the above applies to forgiving

yourself. You do not want to believe that you could be hurtful and take
responsibility for your impact on others. Or if you do believe that, you may
think you are undeserving of forgiving yourself. You should be your priority.
It is not being selfish to act in your self-interest and you have a
responsibility to yourself to do so. Keep in mind the metaphor that you can
only give others a drink from your cup of water if it is full. Looking after
yourself makes you more easily able to assist others if you feel the call to do
so.

Self-blame. Often people will then move into a state of blaming themselves,
looking for reasons for the hurtful behaviour of others by assuming full
responsibility.
In this state, they are holding themselves accountable
for others actions, absolving them of all responsibility.
While this is at least acknowledging that something
hurtful did happen, its focusing on a lie, so there will be
no good outcome. Do not blame yourself for making
someone act in an exploitative way towards you: its not
your fault!

Victim mentality. Some people, after being victimised, rather than treat
their trauma, ill-advisedly adapt to it by developing a victim mentality.
The victim mentality can be understood as a repetitive way of negative
thinking where the victim has come to believe that others, not them, are
responsible for their experiences and fulfilling their needs. The victim
mentality in children produces adults that feel entitled and demand being
taking care off.
Feeling like a victim is a necessary short stage of healing that allows you to
honestly place responsibility where it belongs, tend to your wounds and
rebuild your self-esteem.
However, it is not a place where you were meant to
remain, wallowing in self-pity and engaging in
behaviours that are destructive to you or others.
Another of the consequences of not forgiving and
feeling like a victim is that you stay angry and resentful.
To remain angry with someone, you must continue to
recall how that person hurt you.

This takes time and energy as you stew in your painful past experiences.
The person may no longer be doing anything to hurt you or even be in
your life. Living in the state of victim mentality You become the one
who is keeping the pain alive, injuring yourself with each hurtful memory.
And, if trapped in the role of victim,
you are harbouring resentment that
hurts those around you. Anyone
who comes near you also suffers
from your bitterness. This can have
long term negative effects on
relationships in every part of your
life.
To protect themselves from your rage, others maintain a distance, leaving
you even more isolated in your pain.

Benefits of forgiveness
From ending the role of victim to improving your emotional and physical health to
ending your self-imposed imprisonment, forgiveness offers us many benefits.
While it cannot change the past, it can change the present. It can bring about a sense of
peace in the present that allows you to suffer less even though you have been
wounded. It allows you to take things less personally, taking responsibility for how you
feel and becoming a part of the solution. While it can help the person whom you are
forgiving, it is primarily for you.
Forgiveness can set you free. Letting go of grudges and bitterness makes way for
compassion, kindness and peace. Forgiveness can lead to:

Healthier relationships

Greater spiritual and psychological well-being

Less stress and hostility

Lower blood pressure

Fewer symptoms of depression, anxiety and chronic pain

Lower risk of alcohol and substance abuse

A kind of peace that helps you get on with life.

Forgiveness is initially a trauma release process that involves at least two

things:

Releasing Resentments
First, it has something to do with feelings and the release of resentments.
Resentment is an emotion felt in the body and comes in many forms. Pain, anger,
sadness, or rage directed at the offender have been used to describe resentment.
It is an unpleasant sensation. We recognize when we have triggered it because
we are focused on the source of the injustice.
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 Releasing Expectations
Second, it has something to do with releasing the expectation of further action
such as compensation, acts of contrition, or even an apology. This expectation is
rooted in ones cognitive understanding of justice and the social contract under
which we live. Forgiveness is not justice. It is certainly easier to forgive someone
who sincerely apologizes and makes amends.
However, justice which may include acknowledgment of the wrong, apologies,
punishment, restitution, or compensationis separate from forgiveness. You
may pursue your rights for justice with or without forgiving someone.
A person who is forgiven may still well need to reconcile with the principles of
justice, but justice doesnt have to be served before the act of forgiveness is
possible. And if justice is denied, you can still choose whether or not to forgive.
Actions regarding injustice towards you should only be addressed after the
overwhelming feelings have been cleared.
Sometimes it is clearly the healthy move to either give up the expectation for
action on the part of the other or stop expending your own energy to take action.
But sometimes it is healthier to hold this expectation for action and to pursue
some form of redress. What individuals do must be considered in light of the
larger context.

Who and what to forgive?

If something that once hurt you still affects emotionally, it is a hurt that needs to be
healed. Forgiveness is the answer to feeling stuck. It usually means we are holding onto
regret, sadness, hurt, fear, guilt, blame, anger, resentment or a desire for revenge. But
how do we get clarity on where to start identifying who we may need to forgive.
First, identify the nature of the abuse by reflecting on how you are today. Then move
forward to identifying the perpetuator. Toward that end, review the top eight hurts
and ways these types of pain from the past are carried into the present and future:
1.
2.

3.

Disappointment not getting something that you want, are looking forward to
or expect. Unfulfilled wishes, dashed hopes and unmet expectations can make
you mistrustful of others.
Rejection the severing of a tie that is meaningful to you that creates loss of
love, friendship or something else you wanted to get or would have preferred to
keep. It carries with it the implicit message that you are not good enough, a
message that replays in your mind, keeping alive the memory of rejection and
the pain it caused.
Abandonment the severing of an emotional bond between you and an
important person in your life. This wound leaves you with pervasive feelings of
self-doubt and the feeling that you are somehow unlovable, worthless or
deficient.
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4.
5.

6.
7.
8.

Hurtful memories of Ridicule the act of making someone the object of scornful
laughter. Being made fun of lingers long after the original act and can lead you
to mock yourself and/or keep others at a distance so they cannot hurt you.
Humiliation the loss of pride and dignity by an attack on something you have
done or an integral facet of who you are. Much like someone who has been
ridiculed, you build defences to keep people from getting close enough to, in any
way, hurt you again.
Betrayal the breaking of a bond of trust that is so painful that some people
never recover, refusing ever to trust anyone again.
Deception lies that damage your ability to trust. When you are deceived and
lied to, you find it difficult not only to trust others, but to trust your own
judgment as well.
Abuse this can involve any type of child abuse or domestic violence, leaving
you with physical and/or emotional scars. Your sense of trust is shattered, your
self-esteem is damaged and you live with the enormous burden of guilt and
shame and the experience of chronic other emotions that are inappropriate eg
chronic anger, intolerance, cruelty.

These hurts and their damaging effects can be clues to who you need to forgive. Your
physical and emotional reactions to the memories of painful events are indicators that
there is something that needs to be healed and forgiven. Telling yourself that your
reaction is silly or that it will go away on its own does not help. These events continue
to affect the quality of your life.
Once you recognize how have been hurt, you can then look at who you think was
responsible. Consider the following:

Parents*

Lovers

Spouses (former and current)

Children

Stepchildren

Brothers and sisters

Grandparents

Friends

Co-workers

Employers

God

Teachers

Ministers

Peers and playmates

People of the opposite sex

People of other races and religions

Strangers

Systems (schools, government, criminal justice system...)

Yourself

*The wounds inflicted by parents seem to carry the most weight, because often your very
survival was threatened, jeopardizing your sense of trust, safety, security and self-worth.
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In addition, these were the most influential role models of your life, and what you learned from
them became the foundation for all of your future attitudes, beliefs and behaviours. And
finally, when your parents hurt you, you recognized instinctively that something was wrong.
Because you did not want to believe it, you quickly absolved them and blamed yourself, setting
the stage for a style of adaptation that you may still use today.

Self-forgiveness
Although a part of Who to Forgive, self-forgiveness
deserves special consideration. It is often an overlooked
piece of forgiveness that can be of tremendous benefit.
Much of what has been said about forgiving others applies
to forgiving yourself. Self-forgiveness is about putting an
end to the self-punishment you may have inflicted over the
years for things you have or have not done. It is letting go
of the intense feelings attached to these situations. It is
claiming the right to stop hurting yourself and move on.
It is letting go of your self-hatred and self-pity. Self-forgiveness is not about forgetting
about the past or excusing bad behaviour. It is not about absolving yourself.
It is about taking responsibility, healing and changing. Self-forgiveness departs from
forgiving someone else in one important way in that it is about reconciliation. When
you forgive someone else, reconciliation is a choice you may not want to make.
An important piece of forgiving yourself, however, is to integrate those previously
unacceptable aspects of you so that you can love and accept all of you. Unaddressed
and unhealed, they can block your healing, which is often the case when you have a
chronic non-healing illness.
SUMMARY
Forgiveness is something you do for you. It is working through unfinished business so
that you can put the pieces of your life back together and move forward and not waste
precious energy is not wasted on anger and hurt over things about which you can do
nothing.
It is moving on, freeing up and
putting to better use the energy once
consumed by harbouring resentments
and nursing unhealed wounds.
To forgive is to take back your power
and no longer build an identity around
something that happened in the past.
You may still remember what happened, but you can let go of the intense emotions
attached to incidents of the past that would otherwise imprison you.
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