You are on page 1of 134

HOW TO GET OVER

BREAKUP
IN A RELATIONSHIP
Copyright Bamidele M. P. Ogidan 2012

DELMICH MILLENIUM BOOKS


ALL RIGHT RESERVED
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a
retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any
means, electronic, or otherwise, without the prior permission
of the copyright owner.

EDITED & PUBLISHED BY

DELMICH NIGERIA LIMITED


Tel: +234-08030733611.
E-mail: delmichnigltd@yahoo.com
Web: www.delmichgroup.com

MARKETED & DISTRIBUTED BY

DELMICH AFFAIRS VENTURES


Tel: +234-9031617999.
E-mail: delmichaffairsventures@yahoo.com
Web: www.delmichgroup.com

TABLE OF CONTENT

DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to all my fellow citizen in
this nation and beyond.

- Dedication
- Introduction

To this generation and the generation yet to come.

1. What is Relationship?
2. Types of relationship

To all youths and students, couples, married men


and women who really believe they can get over
any breakup in relationship they may find
themselves.

3. The Pattern of Relationship


4. The Important of Relationship
5. What is a break-up?

To many of us in the society who has forgotten


ourselves in the sinful life style.

6. Types of a break-up
7. The reasons and the causes for breakup in a
relationship
8. How to get over breakup in a relationship

Finally, to God almighty for his blissful inspirations


and his mercy upon/over us forever. May the lord
God bless you all as you read on.

9. How men can get over breakup in a relationship


10. How women can get over breakup in a
relationship

Thanks.

11. How to move-on after breakup in a relationship


12. The effects of breakup in a relationship
13. The different steps and tips to overcome
breakup in a relationship
14. Coping with breakup or divorce in a
relationship.
15. Quotes on how to get over breakup in a
relationship.
3

INTRODUCTION
I've read multiple help guides, but sometimes, it
seems like these so-called experts have no idea what
mourning a relationship is like. You're not just
dealing with grief about the demise or the romance,
but you are also sometimes grappling with pretty
awful feelings of self-pity, loathing and
helplessness. I've decided to write my own step-bystep healing process, featuring steps that I (or close
friends) have personally followed, with successful
results. Keep in mind that nothing changes and
nothing gets better in life, unless you want it to get
better, which means you're going to have to make
some active changes. This guide explains these
changes and why you need to make them.
Many who have been in a relationship know that
the hardest part is overcoming the break-up.
However, many do not know that no matter how
long the relationship, you do not need to spend
months to years reminiscing and crying about the
loved one who youve lost. Although the path to
completely moving on from your past partner can
only totally be cured by time, there are many ways
to speed it up and help you move on with a lighter
heart.

It will only make it harder for you to interact with


him/her or perhaps hear news of his/her latest
romantic interests in the time period that you are
trying to get over him/her. So, no matter how much
you may want to talk to them, you need to very
nicely let them know that you will need some space
until you are ready to be friends again, if you even
want to stay friends.
From this point on you must stop asking your
friends questions about your ex, or tell them ahead
of time not to discuss him/her around you no
matter how much you may persist. You must also
force yourself to stop reminding yourself of the past
relationship by looking at momentous of the
relationship such as old letters, pictures, or any gifts
your ex may have given you. For now, take all those
and put them in a safe place, preferably one where
you wont have easy access to them until you are
truly ready to look at them again without having to
deal with your own aching heart. The point here is
that you cant begin to overcome the break-up if
youre still holding on to the past partner or
relationship.

The first and most important part of a break-up is to


force yourself to let go. Even if you want to stay
friends with your past partner, now is not the time.

The second step to allowing yourself to move on is


to ask yourself the reason for your pain. Avoid easy
and simple answers such as you loved him/her or
he/she was a great person. Delve deeper and
analyze yourself to really discover what is making
you so incredibly sad. Try making a list if his/her

good and bad qualities and a list of the good and


bad qualities of your relationship. For instance, are
you upset because you really miss your ex, or
because you do not want to be alone? Truly
understanding what you miss so much will help
you to focus your energies on exactly what you
wish to overcome. Another important step that you
must maintain throughout the entire process of
overcoming the break-up is to keep yourself busy!
Do not allow yourself the time to sit around and
brood. Start exercising, go out with friends, take up
a hobby and get involved in it, because as long as
youre not doing something, youre not helping
yourself. Keeping busy is one of the most effective
ways to keep your mind off of your past
relationship. So get up, get yourself out there and
force yourself to start having some fun!
Now I know everyone says moving on too quickly
is not a good idea, but no ones saying move on to a
serious relationship right away, but its time to start
thinking about dating again as well! Start looking at
other possible romantic interests and try a couple of
casual dates. Dont lock yourself up in your room
and shun all the other possibilities that are out there
waiting for you! Besides, seeing new people will
keep your mind off your ex as long as you dont
start comparing them to him/her. Stay openminded and you should be over them much sooner
than you expected!
7

CHAPTER ONE

WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP?
WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP?
Relationship between Husband and Wife,
Girlfriend and Boyfriend, Business person and
Business Person, Brother and Sister, Country and
Country. Can we exist without relationship? How
important is relationship to you?
Relationship is how you interact/relate with others.
Relationship is all about trust/belief/confidence
etc.
When you dont relate to anybody; you will be a
stranger always. Relationship can be love, hatred,
friendship, liking or any! As long as we have
emotions we will have relationship. Even if you are
a professional, you will have a professional
relationship. Without relationships, you dont have
Customer- Supplier relationship and hence no
business would survive.
A relationship is the way people/ countries
act/interact together and how they communicate no
matter what relationship they are in.
We cant exist without them as if nothing else there
is a relationship with one self that might be love or
hate relationship.
8

Relationships and communications are part of my


life.
A relationship is a connection between two or more
people or entities by affinity or kinship who share
common connections, ideas, feelings, beliefs and the
like. I don't think we have relationships with
everyone we meet, or strangers on the street, those
are interactions with people. I think relationships
are highly special and valuable and are necessary as
we are social beings and do not live in isolation or
vacuums and are interdependent on one another for
many things. No, I don't think we can really survive
without relationships as we have them on many
levels with many different people who we deal with
every day, from my UPS delivery man, my
employees, my landlord, my children, my parents,
even the man I buy my coffee from each morning,
we have a relationship, and that's what makes us
human. That we care in different degrees about one
another depending on how close we are to that
person and their significance in our lives. I think
relationships are what matters just about most in
life, for living is all about people, not things.

seeing/hearing a sad news about some total


strangers, is also a relationship a person has with
humanity.
The more the good relationships, the better the
person's character would be. I don't mean or
include the faked relationships which people
regularly do. I think the better the relationship a
person has with their inner self, the better would be
their relationships with the others.
1. Relationship is primarily give and take; some do
both optimally, others more of one or the other. The
examples you give are different kinds of
relationships, and embody give and take in
different forms.
2. Apparently there are rare people totally devoid of
any "societal" relationships whatsoever. They are
called anomic (lone wolf, etc). Since such
individuals are exceptions rather than the norm,
answer to your 2nd Question is yes, as an exception
rather than the rule. Since even anomic cannot
avoid having relationships with nature (eat food,
breathe air, etc) it follows that.

It is the level of understanding between two or


more
people.
Ugly, bad, good, excellent could be the levels, and
sometimes nothing at all also could be a level. A
silent nod as a greeting to a stranger, a smile at a
child playing in the streets, or just tears on

3. Relationship is the necessary stuff of life. It Gives


meaning to life.
A relationship is when you give a piece of yourself
to someone else. The more casual the relationship,
the smaller the piece you give. The more intimate

10

the relationship, the bigger the piece you give. No


one can exist without at least one relationship. As
for me, I work very hard at maintaining the
relationships I treasure. To define a relationship as a
"connection" seems very superficial.
Interpersonal relationships usually involve some
level of interdependence. People in a relationship
tend to influence each other, share their thoughts
and feelings, and engage in activities together.
Because of this interdependence, most things that
change or impact one member of the relationship
will have some level of impact on the other
member.
These factors are as true on LinkedIn as they are in
real life. Merely having connections does make you
a networker. In fact, too many connections without
relationship relevance actually hurt you as much on
LinkedIn as it does in the real world. Relationship is
EVERYTHING! By this I mean: God created man
for the very purpose of relationship. Man is created
in God's image and likeness (Genesis 1:26-27).
Relationship thus, from God's point of view, who is
our maker and designer and thus knows what and
how we should function, is all about love.
Regardless of the relationship, love is the beginning
and the end.
From a business point of view, business is first and
foremost relational. This current economy is upside
11

down because we have misplaced relationship (the


love and service to others). It should be first rather
than down the line somewhere. If we want to get
the economy back going, seek to develop those
relationships in our lives, especially in business.
Profit is the fruit of fully developed, functional,
loving, serving relationships.
I view the universe from a systems perspective, and
here is what that would mean regarding
relationships:
A transaction is one exchange of value, and a
relationship is a continued series of transactions.
This value is a combination of tangibles and
intangibles. Everything from food to love to money
to friendship. Relationships ARE what give life
meaning. A pencil has no meaning without paper.
A wheel has no meaning without a vehicle. Those
people with strong relationships tend to feel a deep
sense of meaning. So, when people sense a lack of
meaning in their lives, it is because they have little
relationship with the rest of creation.
We, like a part of a car, are part of humanity.
Humanity is part of the world. The world is all part
of creation. It is only through the relationships that
the machine of life fully functions, as a whole,
instead of as separate meaningless parts. We are the
conscious and living parts of the universe.
Relationships are how those parts interact and
12

make that system even more vital, healthy, happy,


living, and growing.
A part alone is simply a part apart.
We exist in relationship to others. Our capacity for
development and sustenance of these relationships,
in fact, are a better indicator of the future than all
the assessments of past performance. Relationship
is more than mere coexistence, there is an
interactive dynamic where each may impact or alter
the other to some degree. As John Donne said, "No
man is an island" thus relationships are nectar of life
and a necessity for staying alive and growing.
Babies get diagnoses with "Failure to Thrive"
usually due to insufficient nurturing...without, one
begins a cycle of death for we best know ourselves
in the mirror of others who we are not.
Relationships are about equations between 2 and
more persons. The basis of this association starts
with shared interests, choices, work and the like.
The success of relationships depends purely on
criteria such as trust, associated likes and common
grounds
of
interests
and
sustainability.
Relationships are associated with life and living,
man/woman is inherently a social animal and
relationships are most important to him/her and
he/she cannot live normally outside web of
relationships.
13

Without a doubt we are all relational, we are hard


wired this way. As it has been noted, relationships
consist of our interaction with anyone and
practically anything that is not us. The real question
is how to make those relationships work. Abraham
Lincoln criticized much when he was young, almost
to the point of death. He learned his lesson rather
quickly and adopted a new philosophy, with
malice toward none, with charity for all. He put an
end to his criticism and vowed to judge not, that
ye be not judged. Dale Carnegie said: Criticism is
futile because it puts a person on the defense and
usually makes him strive to justify himself.
Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person
precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and
arouses resentment. Charles Schwab said: "I never
criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person
incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but
loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in
my approbation and lavish in my praise.
In addition to that, complaints and condemnation
harm relationships. The secret to Benjamin
Franklins success is summed up by his own words,
I will speak ill of no man, and speak all the good I
know of everybody. This is step one in making
mending and nourishing all relationships. To grow
relationships, we need to give honest and sincere
appreciation. Both John Dewey and Sigmund Freud
said that the most desired thing among people is to
feel a sense of to be importance. Therefore, if you
14

want to get them on your side you have to discover


their usefulness and let them know that you
recognize it. There is a difference between telling
them what they want to hear but not believing it
yourself and actually finding the importance in
them. Everyone has importance, but it is not always
obvious. Carnegie said: It was suggested that the
insane find a sense of importance in their insanity
that they were not able to experience while living in
reality. If some people are so hungry for a feeling
of importance that they actually go insane to get it,
imagine the miracle you and I can achieve by giving
people honest appreciation this side of
sanity. Henry Ford said: If there is any one secret
of success, it lies in the ability to get the other
persons point of view and see things from that
persons angle as well as from you own. He was
very
rich
but
his
success
was
in
relationships. Carnegie said that the world is full of
people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the
rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others
has an enormous advantage. Carnegie.
I hope this was helpful, some of this was from me,
but most of it was from the wisdom and experience
of successful people. We should learn about
relationships from them.
Relationship = "A friend in need is a friend indeed"

critique, and helping one another in tough times


along with mutual respect and trust.
A relationship is simply a connection. The best
relationships are based on trust and high trust
relationships are far more valuable than lesser ones.
We cannot live without relationships. Even if a
person gives up his relationships, he still has a
relationship with nature. How does he give it up? A
relationship is a connection. In theory we cannot
exist without a least one connection. In practice we
need many connections. You have a relationship
with anyone you meet - even if you pass them in a
street and one of you steps aside to let the other
past, that's a relationship. So short of living alone on
a desert island, we can't exist without these.
Honestly it depends on how you think what a
relationship means. If your younger, say in high
school, there are boyfriend and girlfriends who say
theyre in a relationship. So theyre dating. Their
still young so their relationship isn't something
serious. If you were out of high school maybe, and
were in a dating relationship, it could be taken more
serious because with the older age, settling down is
more of n option. Then again, there's also a
relationship meaning you relate well with someone.
For example: I and my younger brother have a
strong relationship.

It is about support, motivation, constructive


15

16

That doesnt mean we're dating, it just means we


relate and get along well. Actually the origin of the
word "relationship" is; "sense of being related,"
from relation + ship. Specifically of romantic or
sexual
relationships.
As I mentioned before though, it all depends on
you.
RELATIONSHIP AWARENESS THEORY:
AN OVERVIEW
It is part of the human condition to attribute motive
to others' behavior. Relationship Awareness Theory
is a self-learning model for effectively and
accurately understanding and inferring the motive
behind the behavior.
Relationship Awareness gives organizations and
individuals the awareness and skills they need to
build more effective personal and professional
relationships. It helps them to sustain those
relationships
through
understanding
the
underlying Motivational Value Systems of
themselves and others under two conditions:
When things are going well
During conflict
The theory helps people to recognize that they can
choose their behaviors to accommodate their
underlying values, while also taking into account
the values of others. It is a dynamic and powerful
way of looking at human relationships that aids in
17

building communication, trust, empathy, and


effective, productive relationships.
The Theory (and the psychometric tests which are
based on it) were developed by psychologist,
clinical therapist, educator, and author Elias H.
Porter, Ph.D.
THE FOUR PREMISES OF RELATIONSHIP
AWARENESS
In Relationship Awareness Theory, Dr. Porter
integrates quite diverse streams of psychological
thought. In particular, in his theory Porter
acknowledges the purposive behaviorism of
Edward Tolman, the empiricism of Kurt Lewin, the
client-centered therapy of Carl Rogers and the NeoFreudian personality theories of Erich Fromm and
Karen Horney. The theory itself is founded on four
simple, yet profound, premises:
Behavior is driven by motivation to achieve selfworth.
Motivation changes in conflict Strengths, when
overdone or misapplied, can be perceived as
weaknesses Clarity and face validity enhance selfdiscovery. Relationship awareness theory looks at
how we go about establishing and maintaining
relationships in order to have a positive sense of
ourselves and our value as a person.

18

MOTIVATIONAL VALUE SYSTEMS


Relationship Awareness Theory identifies seven
general themes or clusters of motives known as
Motivational Value Systems (MVS). Each MVS can
be traced through the work of Freud. Relationship
Awareness describes them in terms of positive
strivings for self-worth by adults in relationships.

makes it formal for everybody to know that these


two persons have that kind of mutual bonds that
only the two of them can bring along. Formality,
not to make it as formal as you could think, but in a
sense that the two has the agreement to let
everybody know of what is yet to be seen when
they are together.

WHAT IS RELATIONSHIP?
Relationship has the word relation, and it says to
relate or to know what you have to know about that
particular person for you to have that relationship.
Maybe in friendship, another form of relationship, you
have to know about what you should have known
in a friendship basis, it could be your standards or
the other person standards to know each other but
to consider it as a friendship, you must have that
kind of relationship that brings harmony to what
you are relating to and that is why you have friends
that you can talk to because you know how to dwell
on each other face and speak of what is friendly for
them in a manner they would have like it too.

What is relationship?
Okay, a lot of people say that friends can be lovers
but lovers cannot be friends, and maybe they let
their own relationship lived to what is yet
believable for many, that they would have lived
bitterly in a sense that if they had gotten broke to
their relationship, they prefer not to have that kind
of friendship with their previous relationship. Or
others have that kind of ill-will in a sense that they
prefer first to have that friendship to be as best of
friendship before having a relationship where they
intend it in the first place.

But in a relationship, where two persons involve to


what is deeper kind of relationship, theres should
be always and only love of what you just promised
to each other before you have that kind of
relationship. Love, the harmony which develops to
a deeper kind of sense where they can say it
as mutual understanding without having that kind of
agreement takes place where only relationship

They prefer the safest way and not to be in the


riskiest way, and when they see others have taken
the riskiest way to that girls heart and win it, they
will have that kind of regret to have said it first
before other people have they had wanted to say
and that is to have that relationship (maybe not for
an instance.) Okay, Im just dealing with the guys
over there that are reading this to be just real, go
hard and have fun, but in serious manner, you can
go both ways if you really want that relationship

19

20

takes place. If you really want it, then go for it, have
that relationship in mind but still prioritize of what
friendship means because you could only do better
if you had that friendship first before you have that
kind of relationship well in sake for harmony that
just took over the limits and make it as love, if ever
there was.
Relationship was designed to have that kind of
vibes and frequency when you are in the alignment
of having it felt the same way towards the kind of
maybe thing or any particular matter you are
discussing to. You cant say that you still have that
relationship when you do have that bad frequency
for each other when you do break of what is
connecting within the both of you and that is the
harmony to the relationship you do have. The
chemistry, other word to describe it, the mixes and
matches of thoughts and feelings you have for each
other must be in the same page to have that kind of
harmony flowing in.
You dont have to be frank when in the first place
you are not in the position to do so, just know of
how that harmony could develop and if the case
nothing to be developed when you reached that
maximum mixes and matches of thoughts and
feelings then what you could only do is to let it stay
where it supposed to stay as long as you dont
break the harmony of frequency and vibes you have
for each other. Relationship as we have in our God
21

must have that constant communication, thought


and feeling like they are always there whenever you
want to pull it off and have that kind of harmony
with them. God Bless.
What is relationship?
1. A connection, association, or involvement.
2. Connection between persons by blood or
marriage.
3. An emotional or other connection between
people: the relationship between teachers and
students.
4. A sexual involvement; affair.
5. A relationship is the interactions and bond
between two or more things, people, animals or
places.
6. A relationship is a bond between two people. (or
more if its family or a bunch of friends your
referring to in a conversation).
7. The state of being connected or related

22

CHAPTER TWO

TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP
BREAKING DOWN DIFFERENT TYPES OF
RELATIONSHIPS
Alright, I guess I dont know when it all got so
complicated.
I mean, besides being in a relationship, I can
remember participating in random hook-ups in
high school and college (in high school that usually
equaled kissing, and in college for me at least
not much more). But essentially, there were only a
few basic categories when it came to romantic
entanglements: one-time hook-up, friends with
benefits, dating, and relationship. Now I read there
are all these variations for the kids (ahem, adults)
today, and damn, its confusing.
HOOK UP
The meaning of the term hook up is tough to pin
down:
When a friend says that she hooked up with a guy
last night, the phrase itself insinuates many
different things to different people.
A hook up could mean you kissed some person on
the dance floor after a bit of grinding, it could mean
you rubbed against somebody in the backseat of a
car on the way to a party, or it can mean you
headed back to a hotel room with a colleague post23

dinner and drinks to get it on. No matter which of


these it is, it generally denotes a (supposed) onetime occurrence, often random or with someone not
known well, and, lets face it, rarely happens when
sober (though answering an advert requesting latemorning sex in a loft apartment across town may
include bold sobriety).
FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS/FUCK-BUDDIES /
HOOKING-UP
Good old About.com dating defines friends with
benefits as an agreement between two people who are
both friends and physically attracted to one another to have
a sexual relationship. Neither party is considered committed
to the other, and both can start dating someone else at any
time with prior warning. A friend with benefits arrangement
is not considered dating, a relationship or even casual
dating by most people who use the term.

Other language used to describe this arrangement


include fuck-buddies (A casual relationship is a
physical and emotional relationship between two
people who may have a sexual relationship or a
near-sexual relationship without necessarily
demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a
more formal romantic relationship) or hooking up,
which often connotes a more long-term sexual
relationship than simply saying hook up (and
apparently, at times, can lead to love).

24

DATING
Although dating in and of itself seems to imply a
certain casualness, similar to hook up, this one
comes with different definitions.

together for a longer, rather than shorter, term. This


can include living together, getting married, having
kids (though each of those can fall into other
categories, such as open relationships).

Casual Dating: Again, An interaction between two


people who are looking to get to know one another
better, without commitments or promises. Either or
both parties can be casually dating other people.
Casual dating differs from friends with benefits, in
that friends with benefits engage in sexual activity
together with no commitments to one another other,
whereas casual dating may or may not involve sex,
but its primary purpose is to determine what kind,
if any, relationship will blossom.

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS
I found a nice round-up of the complex nature of
open relationships which are often hard to define.

Serious Dating: Really, as this conversation about


the definition of dating shows, this term can mean
pretty much anything, depending on the person.
But usually, when a person says Im dating [insert
here], it pretty much means they are only seeing
that person, though they may not be ready to
commit
to
calling
that
person
a
boyfriend/girlfriend, partner, or significant other.
EXCLUSIVE, COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP
One definition I found put it very simply: No
sticky the wacky in someone else. It means just
what it implies: being committed to one person, not
seeing anyone else, usually thinking about being
25

Primary/Secondary: In this model, the couple


relationship is considered primary, and any other
relationships revolve around the couple. It is most
frequently practiced by married people or other
couples in long-term relationships. The couple
decides that their relationship will have precedence
over any outside relationships. The couple lives
together and forms the primary family unit, while
other relationships receive less time and priority.
No outside relationship is allowed to become equal
in importance to the primary relationship. The
couple makes the rules; secondary lovers have little
power over decisions and are not allowed to
negotiate for what they want.

TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP
1. Boyfriend and girlfriend
Is a persons regular male/female companion who
is in a romantically or sexually involved or
committed, may or may not be a long-term
commitment, Sweetheart or lover.
26

2. Romance
Describes as the non- sexually complicated love and
affection shared by two straight males.
3. Casual
Is a physical and emotional relationship between
two people who may have a sexual relationship or a
near-sexual relationship without necessarily
demanding or expecting the extra commitments of a
more formal romantic relationship.
4. Cicisbeo
A professed admirer of a married woman; a dangler
about women
5. Cohabitation
To live together in a sexual relationship, especially
when not legally married.
6. Concubinage
Law a woman who cohabits with a man without
being legally married to him. In certain societies,
such as imperial China, a woman contracted to a
man as a secondary wife, often having few legal
rights and low social status.

intercourse for payment: bawd, call girl, camp


follower, harlot, prostitute, scarlet woman,
streetwalker, strumpet, tart, whore. Slang hooker,
moll. Idioms: lady of easy virtue, lady of pleasure,
lady of the night.
9. Cousin
A title formerly given by a king to a nobleman,
particularly to those of the council. In English writs,
etc., issued by the crown, it signifies any earl.
The child of your aunt or uncle, one collaterally
related more remotely than a brother or sister;
especially, the son or daughter of an uncle or aunt.
10. Domestic partnership
A person, other than a spouse, with whom one
cohabits.
A domestic partnership is a legal or personal
relationship between two individuals who live
together and share a common domestic life but are
neither joined by marriage nor a civil union.
However, in some jurisdictions, such as Australia,
New Zealand, the United States of Oregon,
Washington, Nevada, and California, a domestic
partnership is almost equivalent to marriage, or to
other legally recognized same-sex or different-sex
unions.

7. Courtesan
A woman prostitute, especially one whose clients
are members of a royal court or men of high social
standing. A woman who engages in sexual

11. Family
The collective body of persons who live in one
house, and under one head or manager; a

27

28

household, including parents, children, and


servants, and, as the case may be, lodgers or
boarders.
12. Friendship
The state of being friends (or friendly)
Friendly relationship
Relationship a state involving mutual dealings
between people or parties or countries
13. Husband and wife
A man and woman who are legally married to one
another and are thereby given by law specific rights
and duties resulting from that relationship.
14. Kinship
Connection by blood, marriage, or adoption; family
relationship.
Relationship by nature or character; affinity.
15. Marriage
The state of being married: the mutual relation of
husband and wife: WEDLOCK The institution
whereby men and women are joined in a special
kind of social and legal dependence for the purpose
of founding and maintaining a family.
An act of marrying or the rite by which the married
status is effected; especially: the wedding ceremony
and attendant festivities or formalities
An intimate or close union
29

16. Mistress
(n.) A woman well skilled in anything, or having
the mastery over it
(n.) A title of courtesy formerly prefixed to the
name of a woman, married or unmarried, but now
superseded by the contracted forms, Mrs., for a
married, and Miss, for an unmarried, woman.
17. Lover
One who loves another, especially one who feels
sexual love.
Lovers A couple in love with each other.
a. A paramour.
b. A sexual partner.
18. Monogamy
The practice or condition of having a single sexual
partner during a period of time.
The practice or condition of being married to only
one person at a time.
The practice of marrying only once in a lifetime.
19. Non-monogamy
Non-monogamy describes relationships that are not
sexually exclusive but may not be explicit about the
nature of the other sexual relationships. As it
sounds, non-monogamy simply means that a
relationship between two (or more) people is not at
all times monogamous.

30

20. Polyamory
(From Greek [poly, meaning many or several] and
Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or
acceptance of having more than one intimate
relationship at a time with the knowledge and
consent of everyone involved.

26. Siblings
One of two or more individuals having one or both
parents in common; a brother or sister.

21. Polifidelity
Which involves multiple romantic relationships
with sexual contact restricted to specific partners in
a group (which may include all members of that
group) (e.g. group marriage).

A person, such as a family member or close friend,


who is important or influential in ones life:

22. Polygamy
In which one person marries several spouses (who
may or may not be married to, or have romantic
relationships with, one another).
23. Romantic
Expressive of or exciting sexual love or romance;
her amatory affairs; amorous glances; a
romantic adventure; a romantic moonlight ride
24. Same sex
Involving or restricted to members of the same sex:
same-sex schools.
Of or involving gay men or lesbians: same-sex
couples; same-sex marriage.
25. Sexual partner
Person who benefited one another through sexual
intercourse, a partner in copulation.
31

27. Significant other


A person, such as a spouse or lover, with whom one
shares a long-term sexual relationship.

28. Soulmate
One of two persons compatible with each other in
disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.
29. Widowhood
Refers to the status of a person whose spouse has
died and who has not remarried. Women in this
situation are referred to as widows, and men as
widowers.

MULTIPLE PRIMARY PARTNERS


Polyfidelity Model (closed multi-adult families)
This is a group marriage model, essentially the
same as being married except youre married to
more than one person. Usually consisting of three to
six adults, all partners live together, share finances,
children,
and
household
responsibilities.
Depending on the sexual orientation of the
members, all adults in the family are sexual
partners. This is a closed system, and sex is only
32

allowed between family members no outside


sexual relationships are allowed.
Multiple Primary Partners (open model)
In the Multiple Primary Partners Open Model, the
individual is the basic unit of the family and is
empowered to make his or her own rules and
decisions. Partners may choose to live together, or
they may choose to live with one or more partners,
or live alone if that better suits their needs. This
model is open, in that each partner has the right to
choose other lovers at any time without the
approval of any other partner.
Multiple Non-Primary Relationships
For some people, non-monogamy offers the
intimacy, love, and sexual satisfaction of
involvement
in relationships without
the
constraints of a primary relationship. This model
works best for people who have a serious, allconsuming commitment to something other than
relationships; people who are very busy with their
work, their art, raising children alone, or political
involvements. Usually they prefer relationships
with people who, like themselves, want less
commitment, or people who already have a primary
relationship and are looking for a secondary
relationship.

33

Swinging
Swinging is often thrown under the umbrella of
open relationships, and though it shares some
similarities with different parts of ORs, it essentially
is its own category. Swinging or partner swapping
(sometimes referred to as the swinging lifestyle or
simply the lifestyle) is a non-monogamous
behavior, in which partners in a committed
relationship agree, as a couple, for both partners to
engage in sexual activities with other people,
sometimes referred to as recreational or social sex.
Swinging can take place in a number of contexts,
ranging from a spontaneous sexual activity at an
informal social gathering of friends to a swingers
club and can involve internet-based introduction
services.
Affair
Though an affair can simply mean a sexual
relationship between two people, it often is
associated with cheating. Personally, I would
define an affair as an ongoing, dishonest
relationship with someone other than your partner,
which involves intense feelings such as deep
affection, love or lust. By dishonest, I mean a
relationship that is deliberately kept secret from the
regular partner or one that involves deceit, such as
lying to your partner about where youre going,
where youve been, why youre late home or why
you didnt come home at all.
34

Not something that falls under the type of


differentiation of relationships I just went through,
but nonetheless an interesting piece of news I found
during my research, it seems that Switzerland is
proposing to rid their books of laws on
incest between parents and consenting adult
children. The word incest automatically carries an
association of both ethical and physical
manifestations of wrongness, but it is worth
pondering once again, who should define what is
right or wrong for another individual.
An interpersonal relationship is an association
between two or more people that may range from
fleeting to enduring. This association may be based
on inference, love, solidarity,
regular
business
interactions, or some other type of social
commitment. Interpersonal relationships are
formed in the context of social, cultural and other
influences. The context can vary from family or
kinship relations, friendship, marriage, relations
With associates, work, clubs, neighborhoods, and
places. They may be regulated by law, custom, or
mutual agreement, and are the basis of social
groups and society as a whole.

his congregation, an uncle and a family, or a mayor


and a town. Finally, groups or even nations may
have relations with each other, though this is a
much broader domain than that covered under the
topic of interpersonal relationships. (See such
articles
as international
relations for
more
information on associations between groups). Most
scholarly work on relationships focuses on the small
subset
of
interpersonal
relationships
involving romantic partners in pairs or dyads.
Interpersonal relationships usually involve some
level of interdependence. People in a relationship
tend to influence each other, share their thoughts
and feelings, and engage in activities together.
Because of this interdependence, most things that
change or impact one member of the relationship
will have some level of impact on the other
member.

A relationship is normally viewed as a connection


between two individuals, such as a romantic or
intimate relationship, or a parentchild relationship.
Individuals can also have relationships with groups
of people, such as the relation between a pastor and

Interpersonal relationships are dynamic systems


that change continuously during their existence.
Like living organisms, relationships have a
beginning, a lifespan, and an end. They tend to
grow and improve gradually, as people get to know
each other and become closer emotionally, or they
gradually deteriorate as people drift apart, move on
with their lives and form new relationships with
others. One of the most influential models of
relationship development was proposed by
psychologist George Levinger. This model was
formulated to describe heterosexual, adult romantic

35

36

relationships, but it has been applied to other kinds


of interpersonal relations as well.
According to the model, the natural development of
a relationship follows five stages:
1.
Acquaintance
Becoming
acquainted
depends on previous relationships, physical
proximity, first impressions, and a variety of
other factors. If two people begin to like each
other, continued interactions may lead to the
next stage, but acquaintance can continue
indefinitely.
2.

Buildup During this stage, people begin


to trust and care about each other. The need for
intimacy, compatibility and such filtering agents
as common background and goals will influence
whether or not interaction continues.

3.

Continuation This stage follows a mutual


commitment to a long-term friendship, romantic
relationship, or marriage. It is generally a long,
relative stable period. Nevertheless, continued
growth and development will occur during this
time. Mutual trust is important for sustaining the
relationship.

4.

communicate less and avoid self-disclosure. Loss


of trust and betrayals may take place as the
downward spiral continues, eventually ending
the relationship. (Alternately, the participants
may find some way to resolve the problems and
reestablish trust.)
5.

Termination The final stage marks the end


of the relationship, either by death in the case of
a healthy relationship, or by separation.
Friendships may
involve
some
degree
of transitivity. In other words, a person may
become a friend of an existing friend's friend.
However, if two people have a sexual
relationship with the same person, they may
become competitors rather
than
friends.
Accordingly, sexual behavior with the sexual
partner of a friend may damage the
friendship. Sexual activities between two friends
tend to alter that relationship, either by "taking it
to the next level" or by severing it.

Deterioration
Not
all
relationships
deteriorate, but those that do tend to show signs
of
trouble.
Boredom,
resentment,
and
dissatisfaction may occur, and individuals may

LOVE
The capacity for love gives depth to human
relationships, brings people closer to each other
physically and emotionally, and makes people think
expansively about themselves and the world. In
his triangular theory of love, psychologist Robert
Sternberg theorizes that love is a mix of three
components: some (1) passion, or physical
attraction; (2) intimacy, or feelings of closeness; and

37

38

(3) commitment, involving the decision to initiate


and sustain a relationship. The presence of all three
components characterizes consummate love, the
most durable type of love. In addition, the presence
of intimacy and passion in marital relationships
predicts marital satisfaction. Also, commitment is
the best predictor of relationship satisfaction,
especially in long-term relationships. Positive
consequences of being in love include increased
self-esteem and self-efficacy.
ADULT ATTACHMENT
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of
secure
attachments. Adult
attachment models
represent an internal set of expectations and
preferences regarding relationship intimacy that
guide
behavior. Secure
adult
attachment,
characterized by low attachment-related avoidance
and anxiety, has numerous benefits. Within the
context of safe, secure attachments, people can
pursue optimal human functioning and flourishing.
Positive psychologists use the term "flourishing
relationships"
to
describe
interpersonal
relationships that are not merely happy, but instead
characterized by intimacy, growth, and resilience.
Flourishing relationships also allow a dynamic
balance between focus on the intimate relationships
and focus on other social relationships.

39

There are a variety of relationships in our daily life.


They can be passer-by, short, between two people
meeting on the street and just saying "Hello!" or
they can be formal, between business people that
are having a meeting.
The closest relationships will always occupy the
most of our attention and time because they have
the potential of bringing most happiness in our
lives but also they can bring the most painful
moments as well. The family is, from the beginning
of mankind, one of the most important points in a
person's life. The family is the one you belong to,
the family is the first you are missing when you are
far away and the one you feel that you can lean on
when you feel lonely, and the family should surely
be the place where you feel home, no matter where
you are. Unfortunately it often happens that
families fall apart, parents are breaking up and the
children are being raised only with one family part.
I think that anyone who ever felt the warmth and
happiness of a loving family is praising this and
should do everything that is required to keep the
family relationship working well, because without
the loved ones we would feel lonely in this world.
When it comes to the relationship between lovers, it
is by far the most complex and rewarding of them
all. Probably the most beautiful is the one where
you are getting back all the love and trust you are
40

giving to your partner. When you find the person


that you can't do without and your loved one has
the same kind of love for you it is indeed a blessing,
you know you found your perfect match. However
the relationship has its challenges and the less
pleasant moment will not cease to appear and if not
handled properly, these problems can bring the
most beautiful of relationships to the edge of
disaster. You're starting to see only bad things and
habits of the loved person and you forget to praise
all the good sides you once adored so much, the
love you felt turns into routine and the risk of
finding someone else or being cheated rises fast.
Communication is the key for a good love
relationship and when time builds the trust pillar
(and does not weaken it) you are on the right way
to building a beautiful and healthy bond, thus
establishing the limits, the principles of your
conducts. For instance, even in the most serious
relationship, we all need free space to feel
independent. That's why we have to try to not cover
the partner with too much love or control her/him.
If the love is true and deep nothing will ever tear
lovers apart.

things on our own. One of the worst problems


between parents and their kids is the lack of
communication. Parents are not trying to
understand us better, they are busy with their jobs
and other "adult" problems. Even if sometimes or
most of the time it is quite hard to understand why
parents are getting mad so easily or why some
things are forbidden, children should try to accept
parents' decision because in the end we all know
that parents are just wanting the best for us. In the
meantime parents should try to be a little more
tolerant and to understand that nowadays the
youth can't be like the youth was at their time and
that we are having more opportunities than they
had. We also have to remember that we're facing a
way more complicated society with more problems
and more and better ways to have fun and so, to get
in danger.
We can't say much about the relationships between
neighbors. They can be good or bad. Sure... it would
be perfectly if it could be like in those movies where
neighbors are coming to borrow coffee or sugar
from you but the reality is often not that bright. Try
to get along with your neighbors, and maybe they
are showing their nice side too!

Relationships between parents and children are


often difficult, mostly when the children are
growing up. Getting older means for most of us
knowing more, understanding what in the past
were just mysteries and starting to explore new

Here are some of the stereotypes of relationships


that exist between people in every day's life. Even
sometimes we face up problems, we need these
people in our lives... we need affection, we need

41

42

love and support. Learn to appreciate the people


around you!
DIFFERENT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS
There are many different types of relationships.
Relationships affect our lives in many different
ways every day. Romantic Relationships Romantic
relationships are the type that people most often
think of when they think about relationships.
Boyfriends, girlfriends and spouses make up the
many types of romantic relationships. These
relationships involve lots of hormones and
emotions and can often end badly if the relationship
does not work out. They can be very stressful as one
person tries to please the other but they can be very
fulfilling as people are filled with love for each
other. A romantic relationship can make you feel
very complete.

related to you. This can be the people who live in


your household and your immediately family and
also your distant relatives.
There are bonds between a mother and her children
and between a father and children and between
siblings. There are some relationships between
cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents and
all distant family members. These family
relationships can also have a big impact on who you
are as a person. Some people are very close with
many members of their family. Some people have
weaker family relationships and this can affect them
in different ways.

Friendly Relationships Friendly relationships may


include those between our friends, peers, fellow
workers,
and
other
acquaintances.
These
relationships are a very important aspect of your
life even if you do not realize it. The company you
keep say something about you and the people you
are around every day have an impact on the type of
person you are and how you feel about thins. These
can be very important relationships. Some people
depend on these friendly relationships more than
others but we are all affected by them in some way.
Family Relationships are those that involve people
43

44

devoted to mutual punishment that we wonder


how they stay together. Still others, by contrast,
appear to be the perfect pair until we hear they're
splitting up or getting a divorce.

CHAPTER THREE
THE PATTERNS OF RELATIONSHIPS
INTRODUCTION
Most of us have some kind of idea in our minds
about how a "good" or "correct" relationship is
supposed to be. We can cause ourselves needless
distress by comparing our own relationships with
such an idea of what a relationship "should be like"
and then concluding that our own is defective by
comparison. Psychologists may imply something of
that sort when they formulate criteria for a "healthy
relationship" which few real couples ever meet.
There are many kinds of relationships, and a given
kind may fit a given person or couple at one stage
of development but not at another. Driven by our
personal history, we choose partners who help us
meet our present needs, fulfill our expectations, and
if we're lucky, work through hour issues and grow
in the directions in which we need to grow. For a
person or couple, recognizing these can open doors
to a broader spectrum of ways of being with
ourselves and each other.
We all know some couples who seem so
mismatched that we wonder how they ever got
together, yet who have learned to enjoy each other
and live together happily. Other couples seem so
45

Sharpening and deepening our awareness of we're


doing, and how we're doing it, can help us change
our behavior in ways that make a relationship more
nourishing and supportive, and less toxic and
painful. Or it can help us see what we're not going
to find in this one. In either case, a clearer
perception our present existential reality can help
us move toward doing a better job of meeting our
own (and often the other person's) needs.
Ten kinds of relationships are described here,
grouped into "dominant" and "collateral" patterns.
This treatment is analytical in attempting to sketch
the outlines of the principal patterns of
relationships people enter into, and existential in
attempting to describe what they are like from the
inside. Upon hearing these descriptions, many of
our clients, students, and workshop participants
breathed sighs of relief, because this categorization
helped them understand what they were
experiencing. They said such things as, "Yes, that's
what's going on with us!" and "It's reassuring to
know that what we're normal!"
The typology attempts to capture essential elements
of each kind of relationship with a minimum of
46

judgment. It says, "This is how it is for these people


at this point in time. The relationship fills real
needs. It may become something else in the future,
but this is what exists right now." As Shirley
Luthman and Martin Kirshenbaum (1974) pointed
out in their "theory of positive intent," often there is
some kind of motive to grow toward the realization
of one's potential (frequently in the form of
rebellion against elements in the relationship that
impede such growth) even in what appear on the
surface
to
be
distressingly
pathological
relationships. Using this insight as a starting point
is quite different from the common approach of
saying, "Here's what's wrong with each of these
relationships and here's what should be done to fix
it."

THE FIVE DOMINANT PATTERNS


1. SURVIVAL RELATIONSHIPS.
These exist when partners feel like they can't make
it on their own. The choice of a partner tends to be
undiscriminating, made out of emotional starvation;
almost anyone available will do. This involves
relating at its most basic: "Without you I am
nothing; with you I am something." The survival
involved may be physical as well as emotional,
including the basics of finding shelter, eating,
working, and paying bills. For example, a drug
addict may be connected with a rigid, regimented
partner who holds things together. In such a
47

connection, the desperate quality of my choice is


based more on my needs than on what you actually
can offer me.
Since we are likely to have few shared interests or
complementary qualities, there's little positive
"glue" to hold us together when our relationship
comes under stress. With each of us trying to get the
other to provide what we're missing, our union is
likely to be a symbiotic, desperately clinging one.
Often the relationship is subtly or openly hostile
and abusive. One partner or both may be actually
afraid he or she could get killed for talking about
the partner's drinking or drug addictions or other
problems, or for behaving in a way that appears to
threaten the relationship. Such fears may have a
basis in reality. Relationships where one partner
physically abuses the other are often of this kind.
Partners may be desperate for caring, or they may
be overwhelmed by any sign of caring and not
know how to receive it. In the latter case, the
desperation may be just to have another person
around to provide some kind of contact, order,
routine, or even an opponent for fights and
arguments.
As a result of the desperation for contact and fear of
losing it, partners tend to have a very fuzzy sense of
their personal boundaries. Their contact is
characterized by "confluence," in Fritz Perls' terms,
in which it is unclear where one leaves off and the
48

other begins, with considerable projection of the


needs of each onto the other and introjections of the
other's definitions of oneself. Often partners think
in terms of what the other person wants them to
want, and are out of touch with what they
themselves want. They may have little tolerance for
independence and aloneness, and "go everywhere
together and do everything together." Instead of
taking care of their own needs, they resent the
partner for not taking care of their needs. The tiniest
flicker of independence can be perceived as a threat.
Even going into an ice cream parlor and asking for
strawberry ice cream can be perceived as
threatening if both of them have always ordered
chocolate. Strong feelings of insecurity tend to play
a central role.
Despite all this, they are getting something out of it.
The connection feels better than being alone or
institutionalized. Since the partners are so afraid to
be alone, when they leave one relationship for
another, they tend to make sure there's someone
else to jump to before they let go of the person
they've been with, or make a quick impulsive choice
of a new partner. Since the partners tend to be very
dependent personalities, or "relationship junkies,"
co-dependency is often a dominant feature of such
connections. (Co-dependent relationships can also
exist at more sophisticated levels. A person may not
feel his or her emotional survival intensely
threatened, but the partner can be perceived as an
49

anchor in one's life without whom one is rudderless


and lost. This is very common and is often an
element in a number of the other relationship types
described below.)
Therapy with a survival relationship is likely to
begin with looking at how the other person is
"right" for you. What needs are they fulfilling? How
was your existence at the point where the other
person came into it? How can you develop more
self-support in areas where you're depending on the
relationship for support? How would your life be
without this person? How well were you
functioning when you met him or her? Sometimes
the ending of such relationships is a sign of growth
by one person or by both. Even when that's the case,
the relationship may end in a hostile way that is at
least emotionally destructive and at most physically
violent.
2. VALIDATION RELATIONSHIPS.
A person may seek another's validation of his or her
physical attractiveness, intellect, social status,
sexuality, wealth, or some other attribute. Sex and
money are especially common validations. In
response to a sexually unsatisfying relationship, a
person may choose a new partner with whom
sexuality is central: "I was afraid it was me, that I
was frigid or something, but my new lover and I
have wonderful sex." Many teen-agers and young
adults who are looking for a sense of identity form
50

relationships based on physical or sexual validation.


The packaging tends to be very important: physical
beauty, sharp clothes, a cool car; the package of
romantic images which fit the reference group the
person wants to be a part of.
These relationships are always a little insecure:
"Does she like me, or not?" There are theatrics and
acting-out designed to get the other person to
pursue you. Since the partners are immature, there
is enormous tension and constant testing: "Do you
really love me?" One small act can be everything, a
source of tears and anguish, despite everything else
the partner has done all week. (This element can
also occur in other types of relationships.) Each
partner can be looking for a different kind of
validation. An older professor who takes up with
an attractive young student may want physical and
sexual validation, while the student wants
intellectual validation.
As the relationship continues, one person may
continue to require validation while the other starts
wanting something deeper. When this happens,
both partners are apt to feel betrayed, empty, and
angry. For example, the man may discover that the
beautiful woman doesn't give him.
What he thinks she's going to. He grows hungry for
real contact, while she still wants to be the queen
and have endless large parties. One of the sources
of validation they originally had in common has
51

broken. Or the woman who wants security marries


money and discovers that even though she's rich,
she still feels anxious and threatened. The money
doesn't do what she thought it would.
A validation relationship can further the valuable
goal of shoring up a person's self-esteem in areas
where he or she has felt inadequate or doubtful.
When that has been done, and the partners begin to
be able to give themselves some of the validation
they relied on the other person for.
The question which begins to emerge is, "How
much do we have in common besides the validating
item? Where else can we go in the relationship? Can
we find other sources of connection besides the
surface personality traits and social roles that
originally brought us together?" When an older
man marries a beautiful trinket, if that's all she is,
the relationship may not have a promising future.
But if she's a thinking person beneath the facade,
the relationship may develop. If, for example, she
was raised in a family with "the beauty" as her role,
but is intelligent as well, there are possibilities. She
may begin to play an important role in his business,
or develop her own abilities in a way which makes
her a more broadly interesting or useful partner.
If no deeper basis for connecting materializes and
the partners drift apart, there is a strong chance that
the needs for validation have been met and the
partners have begun seeking something different.
52

At that point, the relationship has done its work.


The partners have learned to validate in themselves
the qualities they were insecure about and they are
ready to connect along other dimensions.
3. SCRIPTED RELATIONSHIPS.
This common pattern often begins when the
partners both are just out of high school or college.
They seem to be "the perfect pair," fitting almost all
the external criteria of what an appropriate mate
should be like. The marriage involves living out
their expectations for the roles they learned they
were supposed to play. He has the "right" kind of
job and she is the "right" kind of wife and they have
the "right" kind of house or apartment or condo in
the "right" place. Their families think it's the perfect
match. These relationships are intended to be for
the long haul. They are often very child-focused.
Everyone is getting raised at the same time: The
parents are growing up while they're raising the
children.
A variation of this theme is the career-oriented
couple, where the career takes the place of the child.
They may have a child too, but the career is the
primary focus. Often there is also still heavy
involvement with the family of origin, calling mom
or dad at least once a day. Big holidays are stressful
because they can't even please themselves, much
less everyone else on both sides of the family. They
become days of obligation rather than holidays.
53

In these relationships differences often take the


form of power struggles. Endless arguments
develop about everything: how to maintain the
illusion of perfection to family and friends as well
as how to handle their own feelings and
inclinations. This often turns into a pattern in which
the issue isn't really the matter at hand but rather
who "wins." A mistake one person made ten years
ago is still brought up today. Sexual attraction and
involvement may suffer as a by-product of the
power struggles and the difficulty in talking to each
other in intimate ways.
Don and Carol were seen by all as "right" for each
other. Like both their families, they became
upwardly mobile. Cheered on by all their friends,
they were classic "Yuppies" during the 1980s. After
Don successfully moved into politics, his jeans
became expensive suits, and Carol's
business success gave her options for exploring the
material world with a vengeance. They argue over
everything. While both are monogamous, they are
almost celibate. To those observing from outside the
family, they are almost an inspiration.
In this kind of relationship, everyone can end up
"invisible." The wife may be invisible to the
husband, with his focus on career and kids. (In a
two-career family the reverse can also be true). The
husband may be invisible to the wife, with her focus
54

on the children and her community interests. The


children are invisible because their primary role is
to serve as projections of the parents' needs and
expectations, and anything that doesn't fit those
expectations is squelched. As long as the roles fit
both partners' expectations, the relationship works.
When someone takes a step toward breaking out of
an expected role, often the partner views it as a
major threat and a power struggle ensues.
In these relationships, partners tend to get stuck in
old patterns. They don't try new things; don't find a
way to discuss where to go on vacation. They may
divorce in their forties after twenty-five years of
marriage, often because when the kids are gone, so
is most of what held them together. Endings in
these relationships tend to be heart-wrenchingly
painful and destructive: "There's twenty-six years of
my life going down the drain!"
Whether these people split up or shift to more
effective ways of relating is likely to depend on how
many points of contact they have. If they split up,
it's likely to involve an extramarital affair, because
the system provides no opportunity for talking
about the relationship. When partners start letting
go of their tight hold on their scripts and
expectations (especially the
expectation that "my way is the right way and I
wish you'd just recognize it," a scripted relationship
may move toward becoming an acceptance
55

relationship
or
an
individuation/assertion
relationship, as described below.
As these couples start learning to listen, to disclose
their deeper feelings, to negotiate, and to
compromise, they can provide room for each other
to develop and value individual identities. This
includes learning to pursue their individual
interests, such as fishing for him and tennis for her,
and then coming together to share common
concerns and pleasures, such as going out together
tonight and taking the kids to the park tomorrow.
Partners often find solutions to their conflicts when
they begin letting go of stereotyped ideas about
who has to do what. Perhaps he likes cooking but is
all thumbs around the house, while she's handy
with tools and tired of being locked into the
woman's role.
Partners in these relationships need to look at all the
things they've wanted to do in life but haven't,
because it didn't fit their stereotypes about
themselves and their expectations about their
partners. They need to learn to communicate at an
emotional level, to disclose their feelings and listen
to those of their partner. They may need to learn to
work less and play more.
4. ACCEPTANCE RELATIONSHIPS.
This is what many of us thought we were getting
into when we entered a relationship, including
56

many people in the three categories above. In an


acceptance relationship we trust, support and enjoy
each other. And within broad limits, we are
ourselves. But each of us has a good sense of which
aspects of our personal selves lie outside those
limits. I find ways to restrain myself from pushing
those limits that erode your trust, strain your
enjoyment, and weaken your support for me.
When our expectations are not overwhelming,
when the differences between our interests and
inclinations are not too dissonant, and when our
combative instincts are not too strong, a scripted
relationship can evolve into an acceptance
relationship. When there's enough growth to keep
us together and our insecurities allow for honest
reassurances, a validation relationship can also
evolve into an acceptance relationship. Valerie says,
"Eventually Dave and I both realized we didn't
have to be phony as our major priority. We found
much in common, and now we give and receive a
lot with each other."

potentialities.
They
require each person's
acknowledgment and appreciation of their
differences.
For many couples, in the nineteen-eighties and nineties this pattern took the place of the acceptance
relationship as an ideal. It includes elements of an
acceptance relationship, but the roles are more
flexible and the boundaries more permeable.
Partners actively encourage each others' creativity
and growth in new directions, and encourage the
partner to pursue personal interests with which
they themselves have little connection. On vacation,
if they have three weeks, they may do separate
things for a week, then get together for the final
two.
Partners in these relationships tend to appreciate
differentness, thereby opening up the range of
people that they can connect with. Although the
partners often look very different on the outside, on
the inside their processes for handling conflicts and
problems may be similar.

5. INDIVIDUATION-ASSERTION
RELATIONSHIPS.
These relationships are based on the assertion of
each person's wants and needs, and on respect for
the other person's process of personal growth. Often
they are focused on partners' struggles with what is
missing or lacking in terms of self-discovery,
becoming
whole,
and
developing
their

The "working through" process in these


relationships demands an ability to tolerate
ambiguities. As partners develop goals and resolve
problems, they need to have enough flexibility to
deal with issues without getting locked into their
"positions." They need to be open to finding new
solutions rather than holding onto some fixed, and

57

58

often unstated, concept of how things should be. It's


not a major issue when one person doesn't want to
follow an old program, such as what to do on
Easter. They're willing to wait and discover how
their feelings evolve rather than program most
goals in advance.
For some couples in other forms of relationships, it's
easier to move into an acceptance relationship,
while for others it's easier to move into an
individuation/assertion relationship. In a scripted
relationship where partners have very different
interests but genuinely care for each other,
loosening the role expectations and creating space
for each person to follow his or her own pursuits is
one way to step out of chronic power struggles.
THE FIVE COLLATERAL PATTERNS
These patterns tend by their nature to be more
transient than those described above, lasting from a
few weeks (or with pastime relationships, sometime
as little as one night) to a few years. When one lasts
longer, it is likely to evolve into one of the forms
described above.
6. HEALING RELATIONSHIPS.
These liaisons follow periods of loss, struggle,
deprivation, stress, or mourning. Participants
typically feel wounded and fearful. They need
Tender Loving Care badly, and at the same time
59

need to undertake some reassessment of themselves


and their ways of relating. They don't have to be at
the same place at the same time in their own growth
and development, and frequently they aren't. By
external criteria the partners may appear to be
misfits, sometimes greatly so. The lack of fit may
involve age, with twenty or thirty years difference
between them. It may involve I.Q., like the brilliant
woman lawyer with a ski instructor who's not too
intellectual. It may involve sexual attitudes and
experience, based on recent or ancient traumas, or
on a questioning of old attitudes.
Physical distance is common in healing
relationships. One woman who divorced after ten
years of marriage got together with an out-of-state
ex-professor whose wife had died. Her friends
disapproved, insisting that "it'll never go
anywhere," but at the time it was exactly what they
both needed. They were together for about two
years, sharing that stage of their lives.
A white woman reports, "I had a healing
relationship with a black man. We provided each
other with badly needed support and had some
very good times together. After a while the
differences became bigger than the things we had in
common. He re-met a childhood sweetheart,
married her, and I sold them my bed."

60

Couples in these relationships tend to talk about the


past a lot, about the struggle or loss that preceded
their own relationship. Often they go over and over
it, reliving it on different levels as they try to
understand and come to terms with it. Gentleness,
support, and comfort rather than great passion
characterize such relationships. They are usually
play-oriented rather than work-oriented, with
plenty of recreation, trips together, and other ways
of indulging each other. If the relationship ends
rather than moving into a different form, the ending
tends to be supportive rather than traumatic,
perhaps as a gradual growing away from each
other.
Sometimes a person may have two or three
different healing relationships at once. Also,
although
most
healing
relationships
are
symmetrical, sometimes one person is healing and
one is experimenting or transitioning, as described
below.
7. EXPERIMENTAL RELATIONSHIPS.
These are "trying it out" relationships. A man who
has always chosen partners emotionally similar to
his mother, for example, may try
being with someone very different. The intention is
to find out how to relate to someone like this
person, and what a such a relationship is like. That
can open a door to finding new ways of behaving
with others, and perhaps to discovering little61

known sides of oneself and allowing them to grow.


Dating relationships often have this quality of
exploration. When two people in an experimental
relationship make a connection that clicks, it may
evolve into one of the dominant forms. Or an
experimental relationship that almost clicks, but not
quite, may influence what a person looks for in the
next partner.
8. TRANSITIONAL RELATIONSHIPS.
In these, the relationship is a cross between the old
and the new, between patterns that drove you crazy
and others that you were changing. This lets us
handle the old issues and conflicts in new ways
without the gut-grinding of the old relationship. At
the same time, we can try new ways of being and
relating. It's a good place to practice for a long-term
relationship that's healthier than the one that
preceded it. Occasionally it may evolve into one.
For instance, a woman whose first husband lied to
her constantly, forcing her to rely on her intuitive
sense of what was really going on, became involved
with a man who was basically honest but whose
love of drama led to exaggeration. In the past such
exaggeration would have enraged her, but she
allowed herself to discover that in the areas that
counted, he was honest.
If one person gets hooked heavily into the old
patterns or falls into the same old addictions as in
62

the previous relationship, this stops being a


transitional relationship and becomes the same kind
as the one that came before it. It may become a
transference relationship, as described below.
When both people in a transitional relationship
have worked through what they needed to, such a
relationship can end in a relatively caring and
efficient way.
9. AVOIDANCE RELATIONSHIPS.
This pattern may involve people who protect
themselves against any deep intimacy with others
or any full contact with their own deeper feelings.
Or it may involve people just coming out of a
relationship who are afraid of still more of the
painful feelings of loss, mourning and failure that
often accompany splitting up. Or both. A history of
past loss of a parent, other family member, partner,
or close friend by abandonment or death, and the
fear that "If I get too close to this person it will
happen again" is a common part of the pattern. The
defining quality is that the partners choose someone
with whom they can avoid the feelings or patterns
of behavior that they want to stay away from.
In some cases, the partner in such a relationship
may be someone who doesn't fit into the rest of a
person's life. For example, he doesn't introduce her
to friends or business associates. There may be a
heavy emphasis on sex as a way of suppressing the
painful feelings. Self-disclosure is likely to be low
63

and mistrust (of oneself, the other, or both) high.


Often the beginnings and endings are abrupt. After
the trauma of his "idyllic" marriage of ten years
exploded in his face, Jim kept a continuing series of
avoidance relationships going for almost fifteen
years, until he finally allowed himself to trust
enough to open up in a fuller way again.
10. PASTIME RELATIONSHIPS.
A pastime relationship is essentially recreational;
for fun and games; and is identified as such.
Although some hopes may attach themselves,
expectations seldom do. A summer romance is
likely to be a pastime relationship. In most cases,
circumstances make it unlikely that the relationship
will be an enduring one. Passionate, delightful, and
tender while it lasts, there's no expectation that it
should be more than that. The dominant mood and
theme is "going with it fully for all of what it is."
TRANSFERENCE RELATIONSHIPS, MATURE
RELATIONSHIPS, AND LIVING ALONE
Two other very different characteristics of relating
can shed some useful light on how we sometimes
experience our ways of being with each other. In
addition, we will briefly examine the experience of
living alone is a relational context.
(1) TRANSFERENCE RELATIONSHIPS.
To a greater or lesser degree, a relationship which
falls into any of several of the categories above can
64

be a transference relationship. In these, we perceive


the other or behave toward the other in the ways in
which we perceived or behaved toward another
person earlier in our life, like a parent or ex-partner.
Projection and mistaken attributions are a large part
of when you do a certain thing, I conclude that you
mean what my parent or ex-partner would have
meant by it, even if that's not the case at all.
If a person is committed to these mistaken
interpretations, attributions, and expectations, then
the prognosis for the relationship is not good. If
they are willing to hear the other's statement that, "I
meant something quite different by that than you
inferred," then confronting and letting go of
mistaken or
counterproductive patterns transferred from the old
relationship onto the new one can be an important
source of psychological growth, and may lead to an
enduring relationship that works.
(2) MATURE RELATIONSHIPS.
In many people over 40 (the figure is a rough one),
the needs have shifted, and there is no long such a
need to use the relationship to make a statement
about oneself. As they grow, partners tend to move
away from largely predetermined scripts in which
the response to anyone will be more or less similar,
toward relationships that are responsive to the
uniqueness of each other person.
65

The mature relationship is almost an article in and


of itself. There is a relative lack of judgment and
there are relatively few nonnegotiable rigid
expectations. There is a community of experience.
The old fights have become boring or tiresome.
Evolution in these directions typically includes
movement out of the role of being either the
"subject" who manipulates the other into fulfilling
his or her needs or the "object" who is manipulated
into filling the other's need. It includes movement
toward a healthy mutuality in which we can
alternate between subject and object roles,
supporting and encouraging each other's interests
without losing a sense of self.
Companionship may be found with one's oldest
child, or a brother or sister, or friends, and there is
not the demand that the partner fill all one's
relational needs that are frequently found in less
mature relationships. Partners may become primary
supports to each other without great dependency,
and may be contented with things they would not
have been contented with in young adulthood. A
mature relationship tends to have a quality of ease
and contentment, with an edge of unpredictability.
There is a potential for excitement, if only in small
things. At the same time, a mature relationship may
still have characteristics of one or more of the types
of relationships described above.

66

Of course human behavior and experience seldom


fit neatly into tidy categories in which we are only
either this or that. Most real relationships are a little
of this and a little of that.
(3) LIVING ALONE.
The experience of living alone deserves a few words
in the context of relationships. The reasons people
live alone include these:

First, some processes are "loner" processes,


such as grieving, or exploring oneself in a variety
of contexts with a variety of people.

Second, people may keep their distance from


others because of fears and insecurities. Some
kind of counseling or therapy is often
appropriate here.

Third, they may keep their distance because


of a desire to learn to stand alone and be
independent, or to work through issues which
caused trouble in a past relationship before
moving in to a new one.

Fourth, a person may be available, but face a


supply-and-demand inequality of acceptable
partners. In this case, a network of supportive
friends can be invaluable.

Finally, someone may be fulfilled enough on


his or her own and feel no strong need for a
partner. Some highly creative artists fall into this
category.

67

Here too, a network of supportive friends can be


valuable. The development of a self-supportive,
self-nurturing relationship with oneself is an
important category of relationship, one which is all
the more important when a person is in fact living
alone. At the same time, it is important to have
others available to call on when the need arises.
Difficulties in relationships are viewed here as
"problems in living," as Thomas Szasz (1974, 1991)
puts it, rather than as pathology. The focus is on
how it is experienced, how it is working and filling
felt needs, and how each person has the personal
responsibility of learning relate in constructive
rather than destructive ways.

68

sentences. The more time you spend with someone,


the more like them you become.

CHAPTER FOUR

THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP


THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIPS
From the second we are born we crave relationships
We need to feel connected to other people. We need
to feel love and acceptance. Naturally the first
relationships we have are with our parents. We look
to them care and nurture us. We learn so much
from them good and bad depending upon their
beliefs and morals. As we grow older we develop
friendships both platonic and romantic. Many of
us become parents ourselves. We continue to learn
from every person we develop a relationship with.
And then there are acquaintances people we
know. We might hang out with them some times,
but their lives dont really intertwine with ours.
Theyre usually not our first choice to go to dinner
with. Their life struggles dont personally affect us
in any way.
We learn to share. We learn team-work. We develop
likes and dislikes.
We tend to gravitate towards people we look up to.
This could also be people we fear. I always told my
kids, Be careful of who you hang out with, because
you will develop some of their traits. Its just
human nature. I think thats one of the reasons why
its so easy for couples to finish each others
69

I believe that the relationships we have with others


determines our true character. Family and friends
will be there in our times of struggle strangers and
acquaintances will scarcely be seen.
In the movie Its a Wonderful Life Clarence the
Angel writes Remember, George: no man is a
failure who has friends. With friends and people
by our side we can accomplish anything.
Its important that we build strong relationships
with those we love. They are the ones that matter
the most to us. We should always treat them as
such. Never take them for granted.
Value the unique aspect of each individual. Can you
imagine how boring life would be if we were all the
same?
Treat everybody with respect. Accept people where
they are. Allow them to make their own choices in
life. Remember you cant change anyone but
yourself, so concentrate on being the best person
and the best friend you can be and youll have no
problem establishing and retaining real long lasting
relationships.
WHAT IS THE IMPORTANCE OF
RELATIONSHIPS?
It allows someone to feel that they are loved and
that they have a purpose in life. I say that the
70

importance in a relationship is having your partner


in life to be your rock. To be the one person you can
count on 100% of the time. Life is one tough thing to
get through. You need that all on your side to be the
one to pick you up, to get you through, to be the
reason you wake up and try everyday as hard as
you can. Because they need you and you need them.
Are you valuing the Importance of Relationships
and Conversations?
Being immersed in the social media world has made
me realize how fast information moves and how
much of it is out there. Our world is continually
moving faster and faster, which finds us running
from one thing to another with something always
on the go.
Everyday we have opportunities to have real and
meaningful conversations and engagements with
the people we care about in our lives. We have the
opportunity to build relationships, encourage
others, and learn from each other. It may be with a
life-long friend, or a new connection- the
opportunity to learn and grow through genuine
conversation is the same.
With the speed that the day moves, I have caught
myself sacrificing these engagements and
conversations so that I don't feel like I am "getting
behind". Of course, I am already behind, and the
irony is that even if I caught up (which is
71

impossible) I would have missed out on what is


really important.
WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT?
I am a big believer that one of the truest sources of
positive energy and intrinsic motivation comes
from authentic conversations and interactions with
the people that we care about, trust, and respect.
While there may not be any immediate business
value or ROI on these conversations, the
relationships you grow and sustain are invaluable
over the course of a lifetime, and without them all
the ROI in the world will not make you happy.
The True Challenge
So, my own personal challenge (and my challenge
to you) is, next time you have an opportunity to
take even 5 minutes out of your day to give all of
your attention and engagement to a close friend,
partner, wife, husband or meaningful connectiondo it! Don't hesitate or worry about the opportunity
cost of the time you are giving up. Instead, simply
enjoy a truly meaningful conversation, spend your
energy listening to that person and finding the gold
nuggets that you can learn from. I guarantee after a
real conversation like that, you will feel incredibly
energized, thankful, and motivated to continue to
move forward. It is much easier to see the bigger
picture of what is truly important in this life when

72

we take the time to appreciate those things that


make life what it is!
Relationships are made not to exploit, not to be
broken.
We teach some by what we say, we teach some
more
by
what
we
do
But we teach most by what we are.
ON THE IMPORTANCE OF REAL
RELATIONSHIPS AND HOW PASSIONATE
WORK CAN KILL BALANCE
If you were going to die soon and
had only one phone call you could make,
who would you call and what would you say?
And why are you waiting?

-Stephen Levine
Sometime last night our community here at Live
Your Legend tipped over 10,000 subscribers. This
has always been a dream but I knew better than to
set it as a specific goal since I had very little control
over it.
You all are the ones with the control. Youre why
this site exists. Youre why Im able to spend as
much time as I do writing and building things for
the community. Youre why I get to do work I truly
LOVE.

73

Thank you for that.


This somewhat arbitrary milestone also got me
thinking
Anyone whos been around this world for more
than a decade or two has probably realized one
very real and powerful fact.
Relationships rule the world.
Think back for a second to one or two of your most
proud accomplishments. Think about where you
were and what was going on. Really feel what you
felt. Do you remember who was there? Now think
of your most recent accomplishment big or small.
Anything youre super proud of will do.
What was the first urge you had immediately after
the accomplishment? If youre anything like the rest
of the world, it was to tell someone. Maybe you
called your husband or wife, grabbed your business
partner or called a close friend. If all else failed,
perhaps you grabbed someone on the street.
Whoever it was, one thing doesnt change. When
we accomplish things or have meaningful
experiences, our natural reaction is to share it with
others. Because when we share it, it takes the
experience to a whole new level.
Why is it fun to go to a party, have a workout
partner or build a family?
Because relationships make life what it is. Most
everything we look forward to has a great deal to
74

do with the people we are going to experience it


with. Whether its a wedding and the family,
friends and person you are about to marry, or if its
a solo trip around the world and the uncertainty of
all the amazing people you are likely to meet along
the adventure.
Everything is fun because of people.
It all comes back to relationships.
Especially ones closest to you.
Unfortunately the ones closest to us are the ones we
tend to take for granted the most. Ever notice how
you can easily be in a nasty mood around your
spouse but as soon as youre around strangers,
friends or acquaintances, everything is peaches and
cream?
Whats with that? Shouldnt it be the other way
around Offer your best to those who mean the
most to you?
This is probably the most dangerous part of doing
work you love. Loving your work can kill the balance.
I love the work I do. Many of the people in this
community feel the same (or are well on their way).
Thats something Im grateful for every day.
Not being able to distinguish between work and
play is a pretty awesome thing. And its wildly
powerful. It allows you to accomplish much bigger
and more meaningful things than if you spent most
your day slamming your forehead against your
computer. Thats great.
75

But it also can cause you to lose sight of what really


matters.
Just because you love your work to the point where
you could do it 24/7 does not mean thats how you
should be spending your time. Because one things
for sure, just because you love what you do, does
not mean that those close to you love you doing
what you love every second of every day. Its easy
to miss this when caught deep in the world of
creativity.
We need people to remind us of the important.
My wife Deborah plays this role perfectly. And Im
grateful for that.
As you all probably know, the last few years have
been pretty wild with Live Your Legend. First we
launched the new brand and site. Then a few
months later we launched Live Off Your Passion.
This was amazing and a dream come true in many
ways but it totally killed my balance. There were
two three-week spans in the last six months where I
was absolutely all hands on deck. I was driven by
excitement but I was still up until midnight and up
again at 4 or 5 am many days of the week. Might be
good for the business (at least in the short term) but
not good for my relationships
I got so caught up in the work I loved doing that I
had stopped acting congruent with a fundamental
belief that I have.

76

That belief is that none of this would matter not


the business, the freedom, the followers if it
wasnt for those close to me.
The only reason all of this is so amazing (and even
exists in the first place) is because of my wife
Chelsea. Her support. Her being who she is (in fact
she shes the one who encouraged me to start my
first blog back in 2006). And for my family and
those close to me, who keep me smiling, encourage
me and are there even when I probably dont
deserve it. They dont care what I do or dont
accomplish. Theyre there no matter what.
Thats priceless.
They are where everything started. And they are
where it all will end.
Without the people close to me nothing else
matters.
Everyone reading this is in one of two places: You
either love your work or are going to love your
work real soon. Thats going to change the world
and we desperately need it. But either way, you will
no doubt face this problem. Yes, its a high-class
problem to have, but also one with serious
repercussions if not taken to heart.
Love your work. Get lost in it. Make it a part of who
you are. But dont let yourself forget why what you
do matters in the first place.

77

The people close to you come first. No matter how


big
the
dreams
youre
living
or
the
accomplishments youre achieving.
The people close to you come first.
Sure, there will be plenty more 2-3 weeks stretches
where Im about to launch something new and all
hands are on deck. But for every one of those
stretches, I promise to have plenty more days out
on an adventure or laying on the couch with
Chelsea getting lost in our favorite game or
watching way too many episodes of Friday Night
Lights (or whatever show we happen to be obsessed
with at the time). And there will be plenty more
weeks and months of exploring new parts of the
world on top of that.
Because its those experiences that make things fun.
Theyre what matter.
Its easy to forget. And all of us will from time to
time (I know Ill be guilty of it again). So let this be a
reminder. And be thankful of the people close to
you who care enough to get angry or hurt when
you temporarily lose your way. We need that
wakeup call more than anything. So what
relationships have you let slip? Who deserves more
attention? Who do you want to give more attention
but have recently convinced yourself you dont
have the time? Who do you want to connect with
for the first time?
78

Jot down a list of names and its time to play a little


catch-up.

ridiculous things. Get over it. Its ok to be wrong.


And even more noble to admit it.

Ive put together a few ideas to help get things back


on track.

4. Give something meaningful. Think of a book


you know someone could benefit from in their
given situation. Personalize it with an inscription on
the first page. The cost doesnt matter. What does is
that you give it clear thought and its a genuine fit
for the recipient. Even better, take something of
yours thats really helped you and give it to
someone else. Books and music are perfect for this.
Declutter your house a bit and transfer value to the
next person. Let them know how helpful the item
was for you.

Shared joy is a double joy;


shared sorrow is half a sorrow.

-Swedish Proverb
9 FIRST STEPS TO STRENGTHENING,
REPAIRING OR BEGINNING A MEANINGFUL
RELATIONSHIP
1. Invite someone to dinner. Given that were deep
in the holidays, ask them to dinner with your
family. Do you have a family member or friend
whos usually alone for the holidays? Change that.
Bring them back in or expose them to something
new.
2. Write a note. Go down the street and pick up a
few more holiday cards. Be genuine and speak
directly to the person youre writing to as you
compose the message. Express some emotion. It
feels pretty good.
3. Say sorry. Have you been stubborn lately? If you
say no, then its time to get honest. Were all
pigheaded here and there, and often for the most

79

5. Make an introduction. This is the cheapest and


most powerful gift you could likely give. Everyone
knows someone who can help someone else. We
just often dont take the time to think about it. Who
do you know who would get massive benefit from
meeting someone else in your circle? This is also a
much more comfortable way of reaching out to
someone youve lost touch with. If youre too shy to
confront the situation head on, you could just send
a short note about how you met a person theyd
really enjoy meeting. Go from there.
6. Be there. If you know someones dealing with
something tough or is lonely, just swing by and
offer to be there. Dont make them talk through it if
80

they dont want to. Just being there and offering


company can be enough to make all the difference.
7. Tell people you care. This is one of the most
under-practiced acts between people. Stop taking
for granted that your family, your husband, your
wife, your business partner, you child or your
closest friends know how much they mean to you.
Tell them straight up. Let them know that without
their relationship, youd be in a very tough spot.
Tell them specifically all the things theyve
provided you over the years. This is the last thing to
assume those close to you already know. Open up a
bit.
8. Spend time. Who are you not as close with as
youd like to be? Who have you lost touch with who
you wish you hadnt? Who are the people whove
fallen by the wayside lately? They could be people
you havent spoken to in months or years, or it
could be your husband, wife or children whom you
know deserve more of your time. You pick. Make a
phone call. Take a day off to stay home with
everyone. Take someone out to a meal. Anything to
make the connection closer than it was.
9. Help someone. This is where it all beings and
ends. Every one of the above involves helping in
some way. Everyone has pains, needs and goals.
Help people bridge the gap. Ask them or ask
someone close to them where they could most use a
81

hand. Do something you know will matter to those


close to you or those you wish were closer. You can
make a bigger difference than you realize.
Someone to tell it to
is one of the fundamental
needs of human beings.
- Miles Franklin

Broken relationships exist because one or both


people cannot swallow their pride. What would
happen if you decided to be the bigger person?
What if you decided that whatever happened isnt
going to come between something so important.
How much happier would the two of you be?
Thats totally in our control. Its in your control.
In the next two weeks a lot of us are going to spend
a lot of time around friends and family. Some were
excited to see. Some were not so excited about.
Realize that the people you are about to spend time
around are the people who make life what it is.
Theyre what make accomplishments memorable.
Theyre what make life interesting (and fun). And
they are what make you who you are.

82

THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNICATION IN


RELATIONSHIPS
Communication
is
so
very
important in
relationships, all types of relationships, not just
romantic relationships. And the communication
includes both the verbal and nonverbal varieties.
A relationship is a connection and exchange
between people.
Communication plays a large role in the exchange
between people. It exchanges information in the
form of ideas, wants, desires, feelings, and much
more. Incomplete or stopped communication can
create a block in the relationship. The degree of the
block can vary with the severity or repeating of the
communication stop. A block in the relationship
exists or will grow when communication is just flat
out avoided.

important ones develop, it behaves as if there were


clamps on the lungs of the relationship. The
relationship has trouble breathing. Without this
exchange of life energy, the relationship cannot
grow, it may struggle, and if it is severe enough,
then the relationship suffers and dies. The
relationship can be considered to be a living entity
just as each one of us are living. There has to be a
continuous flow of energy through each and every
living entity. The flow is between each partner of
the relationship and between the relating partners
and the environment. Just as in an individual body,
when the energy is blocked or stopped, a disease or
illness starts to develop. The key for a healthy and
growing relationship is to keep the communications
flowing.

A communication avoidance or stop will prevent


that topic from being shared and gone through.
When enough of these areas build up or a couple

Communication can be stopped in a variety of


ways. Avoidance was already mentioned. If both
partners avoid the same subject, then it will never
arise in conversation. If only one is avoiding the
subject, they might just stop the conversation when
that topic comes up. This is usually obvious. They
might also divert the conversation and depending
on their skill, this can be obvious or it can be done
without notice. In either case, that aspect of the
relationship that reflects that subject will cease to
move. However, if the other partner notices the
diversion or avoidance, then the interpretations or
stories that the person puts on the avoidance can
magnify the effect. And some people are good at

83

84

A childhood covenant that I made was to avoid


upsetting other people. Now this did not always
give me good behavior. Instead, it got me to avoid
communicating any topics that I perceived would
upset someone else. However, in adult
relationships, this behavior only avoided the hard
issues that people have to work through for the
relationship to be healthy and to grow.

creating some very negative interpretations for


minor events.
Nonverbal communication can be even trickier.
People put a lot of communication into nonverbal
forms. This is especially true when people are
approaching new romantic situations. Many people
are not comfortable verbalizing enough of the
romantic details. So the approach to romance is
mostly through nonverbal signals. However, when
the flow is broken, if the reason is not sufficiently
verbalized, (such as, "I would love to ..., but right
now because of ...) then the break is often taken as a
permanent "no" or stop. This is why many people
feel that they have only one chance as they enter a
new relationship.

removed from the subject. You can tell a stranger in


a bar, a priest in a confessional, or a room of
strangers in a therapy workshop. Whatever gets the
flow moving is good and will reduce the power of
that item. However, once a stuck item is nudged,
then other communications or actions may be
required to keep the energy of the release of the
subject continuing. You have to pay attention to see
what is needed.
However, paying attention is an important half of
communication. Communication is part giving and
part receiving. Both parts are necessary by both
partners for good communications. Some people are
good listeners and some are good talkers, but both
partners have to do both for complete and effective
communication. Communications can be stopped
on both sides, by avoidance of the giving or telling,
and by avoidance of the receiving. Attention has to
be given to both sides of communication to insure
that the communication remains completed by both
partners and that stops or blocks are addressed and
released to allow the relationship to grow in a
healthy fashion.

If you recognize that you are having difficulty in


starting a communication topic, there are a variety
of ways to get it going. If you can't say what you
need to, you may be able to write it instead. If you
can't approach a person directly, you can enlist the
help of another friend to bring up the topic in front
of the write person. You can also arrange items or
events to cause a discussion of the appropriate
topic. Sometimes you cannot talk about something
because it got labeled as something to not talk
about, so you don't talk about it at all with anyone.
In this case, if you can find someone to tell, it will
help to remove the power that item holds over you.
It will usually be easier to tell someone who is

THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP


BUILDING THROUGH YOUR WEDDING
WEBSITE
There has been so much focus on the fact that we
live in the information age that many people have
forgotten that the internet wasnt formed to give

85

86

people information, but rather to connect people.


Why does this matter to your wedding business
you ask? Because when you realize that the internet
is set up to connect people and help you build
relationships it should change the way you view
your website. Yes, people need information about
your business, but the focus of your website needs
to be to build that initial connection which is the
foundation of a business relationship with a bride.

these factors to show how relationship change


channels diffusion. This article formalizes the
diffusion problem in networks with changing
relations, identifies minimal bounds needed to
measure diffusion potential in such networks, and
provides a method for identifying who is at risk for
diffusion. The effect of timing for diffusion potential
is demonstrated with potential flow of sexually
transmitted diseases (STDs) in an adolescent
romantic network.

When you read your landing page remember that


you are building a relationship with the bride who
reads it. Does it have the ability to connect on a
personal level, or does it read like an information
pamphlet? Think about it. Often if a business has a
cover page leading to their home page it will
include the word Welcome or Enter Here. The
idea of your home page is that you are welcoming a
new person into your home or business. Yes, you
need to include information on who you are and
what you do, but make sure brides can relate to it.
What do you think?

THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP


COMPATIBILITY
When you look for spending your whole life with a
person, then there are a number of things that
matter more than the physical aspect of a
relationship. Compatibility plays a major role in
determining whether two people would survive in
the long run or not. Understanding each others
point of view and having common views about
things can check your level of compatibility. The
key to a long-term relationship is compatibility.

THE IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP


TIMING FOR DIFFUSION
Relationship timing can have dramatic effects on
diffusion through a network, as relationship order
determines transmission routes. Though past
research has modeled diffusion through static
networks or developed methods for modeling
change in network patterns, none has combined

Most of the times lack of compatibility in a


relationship is the reason for break up. Some of the
relationships also break because of abuse and
violence, but the main reason behind it is the lack of
compatibility and understanding between two
people. Most people visit their marriage counselors
for patching up their relationship; it is because of
the non-compatibility that exists between them. For

87

88

making your relationship work, it is mainly


important that you understand your partner and
develop communication skills that convey your
messages with clarity.
There are different levels of compatibility outlined.
The first and the most obvious is the physical
compatibility. Physical compatibility is something
that you can even feel in the absence of your
partner. When you think about him or her it gives
you a ticklish feeling and excites your hormones.
The physical compatibility or attraction can be
stated to be the start of a possible relationship. If
physical compatibility does not exist then it would
be possible that you cross each other without even
giving a glance.
The next ingredient of compatibility is the level of
easiness that you are at in the presence of your
partner. This is less apparent in the beginning but
the most important for the long run. You should
feel comfortable and enjoy each others company,
and also be at ease when youre with each other. It
is important that you feel like youre friends, so that
you can share your feelings and thoughts with each
other without a hitch.

partner or not. If your thoughts dont match and


after the initial romantic phase is over in your
relationship, you will find it difficult to keep
yourself attracted to the person and live with him or
her for a long time. In some or the other this would
decrease down your interests and desires, or your
partner might decrease down his or her interest or
desire with you. It is not that theres something
wrong with you, but the only issue is that you lack
compatibility.
Lack
of
compatibility
often
leads
to
misunderstandings and this can result in
frustrations and anger, and both of the partners
might try to hurt each other in some or the other
way. Being compatible in a relationship helps you
to get along with your partner in a natural way and
can make your life a heavenly bliss.
All human beings crave for and certainly need
social contacts.
Relationships are very important to humans,
whatever age, whatever nationality, whichever sex.
Without relationships, life is empty, boring and
lonely. With, relationships, lives are fun, fulfilling
and sometimes stressful. Relationships are
rewarding, but a struggle too, hence giving many
headaches to a person.

Get to know the routine of your partner on what is


his/her living style and how does he/she manage
his or her work. This would give you an idea about
whether you can adjust with the life style of your

Relationships however, change and develop over


time. For example, relationships with parents
change, moving towards more equality as we grow

89

90

and become more independent. We start to develop


interests outside the family and build closer
relationships with our peers.
Relationships vary between different people and
different groups. Those who are in positions of
authority expect us to obey them, and we expect
them to know what theyre talking about, so
typically we do as they say. Friends expect us to
offer support, encouragement and fun, which is
what we expect from them. And we need to
develop skills if we are to maintain happy, healthy
and rewarding relationships.

Communication within relationships is also an


important factor. If we dont communicate well the
relationship will suffer. We can discuss issues, raise
conflicts (assertively, not aggressively), negotiate
and can also make decisions. Thus, we have seen
how relationship is a medium through which they
allow us to flourish. It involves an emotional
connection with each other and can animate us.
Hence, it is important to take a good deep look at
the relationships in your life and pay a little more
attention to nurturing after, which you will feel a lot
better if you did so and the relationship can only
grow stronger for the effort you put into it.

The pace of life today is such that often


relationships are given a low priority in our list of
things to be attended to. It is important is that your
relationships are built on strong ground, since
become for you a strong social support and will
play an important role in helping you lead a healthy
stress-free life. Relationship is a human beings
feeling or sense of emotional bonding with another.
Our relationships are also a fundamental source of
learning. The quality of the relationship deeply
influences the hopefulness required to remain
curious and open to new experiences, and the
capacity to see connections and discover meanings.
We feel "related" when we feel at one with another
(person or object) in some heartfelt way.
91

92

WHAT IS BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSIP


If a marriage breaks up or two people in a romantic
relationship break up, their marriage or their
relationship ends.

to increase sales"; "this storm is certainly a change


for the worse"; "the neighborhood had undergone
few modifications since his last visit years ago"
falling out, severance, rupture, rift, breach, break - a
personal or social separation (as between opposing
factions); "they hoped to avoid a break in relations"
break - the occurrence of breaking; "the break in the
dam threatened the valley"

BREAKUP
The act or an instance of breaking up, as a division,
dispersal, or disintegration. The discontinuance of a
relationship, as a marriage or a friendship. The
cracking and shifting of ice in rivers or harbors
during the spring. A loss of control or composure.

Dissolution of any unit, organization, or group of


organizations.
An antitrust action by the Justice Department may
result in the breakup of a large corporation into
smaller companies if it is found to be in violation of
antitrust laws.

Breakup is the termination or disintegration of a


relationship (between persons or nations)
dissolution ending, termination, conclusion - the act
of ending something; "the termination of the
agreement" splitsville - separation or breakup or
divorce; "after 15 years together they are headed for
splitsville" invalidation, annulment - (law) a formal
termination (of a relationship or a judicial
proceeding etc).

A "breakup" is the end of a relationship, while to


"break up" is to end the relationship. The
termination or disintegration of a relationship
(between persons or nations); Coming apart. In
detection by radar, the separation of one solid
return into a number of individual returns which
correspond to the various objects or structure
groupings. This separation is contingent upon a
number of factors including range, beam width,
gain setting, object size and distance between
objects. In imagery interpretation, the result of
magnification or enlargement which causes the
imaged item to lose its identity and the resultant
presentation to become a random series of tonal
impressions. Also called split-up.

CHAPTER FIVE

WHAT IS A BREAKUP?

Breakup is the coming apart, separation ,


detachment alteration, change, modification - an
event that occurs when something passes from one
state or phase to another; "the change was intended
93

94

What does premeditated relationship break up


mean? It means that they had it all planned out
before they did it! They made sure they knew what
they were going to do and say!

time your ex used to call. Perform a cleansing ritual,


such as throwing away her yearbook photo or
deleting his mushy e-mails. You'll be amazed how
much better you'll feel.

SURVIVING A BREAKUP: 7 TESTED TIPS


Few things hurt more than being dumped. In fact,
most people would rather be body slammed by a
wrestler than endure the pain and loneliness of
heartbreak in relationship. Though breaking up is
depressing, your life's far from over. It's important
to see the end of a relationship as the beginning of a
new chapter in your life. Here are a few tips on how
to let go of your ex and move on with your life.

3.
Recognize and Release Your Feelings
Breakups can cause a range of unpleasant feelings,
from deep sadness to intense anger. It's important
to identify what you're feeling, acknowledge that it
hurts, and then let it go. If you're struggling with
the "letting go" part, try writing what you feel on a
piece of paper, then ripping it up. When you're
feeling really awful, taking a nap or going for a
walk can help ease the pain and break the cycle of
negative thoughts.
In general, try to get your demons out in a
constructive way, such as sports, music, art or
journaling. It's also OK to cry, scream and complain
about how bad you feel. Find a secluded place to
get out the nastiest feelings, then seek out friends
and family to lend a listening ear and a shoulder to
cry on.

1.
Be Nice To Yourself
Breakups happen to the best of us. Actually, they're
a normal part of being a teenager. It's important to
cut yourself some slack when you're feeling
vulnerable and rejected. Let yourself mourn the
loss, and remember that you don't have to be
perfect all of the time or any of the time. Nobody is!
2.
Accept Your Single Status
Getting over your ex is virtually impossible if you're
fantasizing about getting back together. It's
important to learn how to be happy as a single
person before you start to date again. Being single
gives you the freedom to do what you want, when
you want. Watch a cheesy movie you would never
admit to liking. Switch off your cell phone at the

4.
Remember Your Ex's Flaws
It's easy to get teary-eyed thinking about his
adorable brown eyes or her cute way of answering
the phone. But what about your ex's not-so-great
qualities? Remind yourself just how annoying,
boring or insensitive your ex could be, and you'll be
on your way to recovery.

95

96

5.
Resist the Urge To Contact Him or Her
One of the worst parts of a breakup is
the loneliness. Use all the willpower you've got to
resist calling your ex when you're feeling lonely and
sad. Though your ex may have been a source of
comfort in the past, calling him or her for an ego
boost will only make it harder for you to move on.
Look for new sources of support among friends,
family members, counselors and online support
groups.
6.
Get a New Hobby
Without a boyfriend or girlfriend to entertain, you
have a lot of freedom to try new things. Indulge
yourself in some activities that didn't interest your
ex, whether it's hockey, ballet or football watching.
Take a photography class, start writing poetry or
join a club that interests you. You'll meet new
people and feel good about yourself, which will
attract both friends and admirers.
7.

Don't Obsess About What Went Wrong

Many breakups don't have a specific cause. They tend to


happen when two people have been growing apart for a
while. This isn't to say you shouldn't reflect on what you
could have done differently in the relationship, but it's not
helpful to dwell on the whys and wherefores. Instead of
focusing on the past, live in the moment and begin to dream
about the future. You'll find a boyfriend or girlfriend who's
at least as great as the last one and perhaps a better match.
Who knows? That special someone could be right around
the corner.

97

CHAPTER SIX

TYPES OF A BREAKUP
7 TYPES OF BREAKUPS RANKED BY
RECOVERY TIME
Which element of a breakup dictates recovery time
more: the type of breakup, or the person you broke
up with? My theory is the type of breakup you
experience determines how long it takes to get over
it more than the actual person.
Here are 7 different types of breakups ranked by
shortest recovery time to longest recovery time:
7. The Mutual Breakup
This is as peaceful a breakup as you can have, like
when the entire family agrees it's time to pull the
plug on grandpa's respirator: he is freed of his
misery, and the family feels a sense of relief. I've
never had a mutual breakup. I can't catch that
lightning in a bottle. But it can't be that tough to
recover from a mutual breakup and get back out in
the dating scene again.
6. The Circumstantial Breakup
A cousin of the mutual breakup, the circumstantial
breakup occurs when the environment around you
won't permit the relationship to continue: my
parents hate you, you're in one town and I'm in
98

another town (or even, you're one city over), I need


to be single for a while, etc. Recovery time is
shortened because the other person offers an excuse
that takes the focus off your weaknesses or
unattractive qualities that could have caused a
breakup.
5. The Ultimatum Breakup
The most common ultimatum leading to a breakup
is: "ask me to marry you within the next year of I'm
out of here." Other conflicts could cause ultimatums
as well: change your religion, get rid of that stupid
old car, etc. Ultimatum breakups can be tough to
get over because it's annoying that a little
compromise could have prevented it. But once it's
over, that pressure from the stalemate you reached
in the relationship is gone, so it's quite a relief.

4. The Something Someone Said Breakup


My friend broke up with his girlfriend he was
dating for years, and he mentioned a conversation
that occurred shortly before they broke up. They
were discussing wedding rings, and she asked how
much he'd spend. He simply hasn't studied the
"market" so he threw a number out there: "I don't
know, $5,000." She scoffed and said: "You should
spend no less than $20,000." He told me after she
said that, he couldn't think of her the same way
anymore. In fact, it put a figurative "X" over her
image in his eyes. They eventually broke up, and
99

this conversation was the springboard. This type of


breakup is painful because you wish you could take
something you said or did back.
3. The I've Been Cheating
Whether you find out from them or some other
way, it's the ultimate betrayal when they are
cheating on you. You can get over it because you
dismiss this person as a cheating jerk, but you still
feel stupid and you might spend several
months envisioning the cheating or trying to regain
faith in the opposite gender.
2. The First Love Breakup
The First Love breakup is one of the toughest to
overcome. Some say you never get over it. This
breakup teaches us that the world is a bigger place
than we thought. There are more people to meet,
there are bills to pay, and there are places to
go. Things just can't stay the same as they once
were.
Mine hit me when I got to college and my girlfriend
stayed behind in high school. Eventually, we had to
move on. The first love breakup is hurts so much
because you've never experienced this feeling of
loss and disappointment before. And, it's part of
growing up and growing up is usually a painful
process.

100

1. The Blind Side


My friend recently blindsided his ex. After she cried
for an hour, he decided he had put in enough time
and he left. This is traumatic because it comes out of
nowhere. The blind side may have been thinking
about it for months, and they conceal their
intentions, and then drop the bomb while
everything seems to be going well. In fact, the
couple may have spent time together the night
before, but the blind side did so out of obligation.
Blind Sides chip away at your ability to trust. If
someone can break up with you when things seem
to be going so well, you'll have a tough time
avoiding paranoia and trusting your new partners.
What other types of breakups would you add?
What type takes the longest for you to get over and
why? Do you agree that the type of breakup
dictates recovery time more than the actual person
you lost in the breakup?
ANOTHER TYPES OF BREAK UPS AND WAYS TO
DEAL WITH THEM
There are several different types of break ups, and
understanding them is vital for protecting your
relationship from them, or if its too late for that, for
dealing with them. Heres my guide to the different
types of break ups, so armed with enough
knowledge, you can defend yourself against them

101

1. THE MUTUAL BREAK UP


This is where both partners agree mutually to
terminate the relationship. Its usually when all
feelings have died or when one partner undergoes a
major life change, such as a new job far away and
cant seem to stay in a long distance
relationship. This sounds like the least painful break
up but most people still feel a sense of loss. Even if
you dont love them anymore, you might still find
yourself missing them. Depending on how long
youve been together, you might find yourself
doing things their way, and expecting them home
at certain times or going to restaurants that the two
of you went to etc. Allow yourself time to grieve,
and dont rush to move on.
2. THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BREAK UP
An abusive boyfriend/husband is a definite sign
that its time to breakup. While this kind of break
up is necessary, it often feels even more painful
than a normal break up. It can be hard for family
and friends to understand why you still miss and
probably love someone who has abused you but its
extremely hard to fight these feelings. You might
find yourself wanting to call them or meet up. This
is a bad idea, as it gives the person control over you
again. Instead, take some time off and mourn for a
few days. Then throw yourself into your life, as
keeping yourself distracted is a good way to forget
how much you miss them. If you were the abusive
partner, keep yourself out of relationships for a
102

while and think about what made you act the way
you did. Discussing your feelings with a therapist
or getting anger management might be a good step
and stay out of relationships until you recover.
3. HE LEFT YOU
This has the added pain of being a shock, which
leaves you no time to prepare. If youve been
broken up with, write down his number and hide it
somewhere out of the way. Then delete it from your
phone, so you arent tempted to call him. Have one
day of mourning, with ice cream and sad films and
as much crying as you like and then focus on
moving on. Sign up for a new class, have a night
with the girls anything that will distract you and
help you to move on. When you are feeling more
balanced, you can contact him to ask why if you
dont already know. If the problem is fixable,
suggest a meet up, but try not to get your hopes up.
If the meeting doesnt go as planned, its time to get
over him and move on!

many people regret break ups right after and


usually its just a phase. But if your phase doesnt
pass, contact him and ask to meet. Explain your
reasons for breaking up with him and try to find
solutions to the problems. If you manage this, then
talk about getting back together. If you cant find a
way to fix the issues, the relationship will just
crumble again and cause more heartache.
Break ups are hard to deal with even if you were
the one to cause it. Remember that you have to give
yourself time to heal and overcome but dont
wallow. If you feel seriously sad, or unmotivated,
discuss your feelings with a doctor who may be
able to recommend medication or a therapist. Its
normal to feel hurt, but most people bounce
back fine and even become stronger in the process.
Every time a relationship fails, it teaches you
something new and you are better prepared to start
a new relationship. Do you know another
relationship type, or a tip to deal with one? Please
let me know!

4. YOU LEFT HIM


So youve considered it for a long time and
finally decided to break up. You told him and felt
terrible and now youve realized what youve let go
of. The most important thing is that you know what
you want. If you arent completely sure, leave him
alone while you gather your thoughts. Do you want
him back just because you miss having a boyfriend
or do you actually miss him? Just remember that

THE TYPES OF BREAKUPS AND HOW TO


STOP THEM FAST
Psychologists say that having a relationship
breakup is very close to having a grief. It's
understandable: in both cases you lose someone
you loved so much and simply can't let them go, try
to hold them, but can't do it - and it by itself causes

103

104

so much pain and depression that sometimes it


seems unbearable and unsustainable. But the truth
is - you can successfully get over a relationship
breakup or release it and live a whole and fulfilled
life without your ex partner if you learn the hidden
truth that very few people even are aware of.
Here you will learn the types of breakups, types of
relationships and how to keep yourself
psychologically "fit" no matter what happened
between you and your significant other.
First of all, the relationship breakup is normal thing
that happens with all of us at some points of our
life. So there is no reason - absolutely! - to think that
you're some kind of "odd" person or your
relationships are unsalvageable because you've
broken up. But of course you need to get over a
relationship breakup to experience the wonderful
times with your ex partner again, but what I'm
trying to say - you don't have to feel guilty or put
yourself down, lower your self-esteem because it
simply is unfounded.
So - here are the types of breakups.

to create more freedom and personal space for you


both. So if your breakup is mutual, there is
obviously a good level of understanding and care
between you at this point.
I won't talk much about the solution for this one
because my premise it: if you both decided to break
up, you can still decide to "give it another shot" later
- because there still is a certain level of reasoning,
understanding, empathy and affinity between.
The relationship breakup was initiated by them.
This is obviously the hardest case for you to solve
because you still want your relationship to continue
whilst they want "more space", "to be just friends"
and so on and so forth.
Although the solution is not simple, it's still possible
to reconcile. For it, stop panicky and hasty actions,
quit contacting your ex for 3-4 weeks or so, assess
your situation, think about what reasons led to their
decision in the first place.

Not every breakup is created equal. Some can be a


true torment, while others are truly a relief for you
and your partner. So let's categorize them:

Then - work the plan to change the causes, not to


"trick" your ex as it will only be a temporarily relief
and certainly will not appear to be a steady, solid
and reliable long-term solution. When you've
worked out the plan, just start consistent action and continue it until you get the result.

This breakup was mutual - you both have made


this decision. If so, then probably you both just need
it - not as a permanent mean, but as temporary way

You chose to break up. Hands down, no questions


asked. If so, this decision will probably make you
happier that before but in this case you hardly

105

106

would read this article, would you? Obviously, it


doesn't need any sort of solution because it already
was a successful solution that you chose yourself. So
the type of breakup you're in obviously defines the
type of solution. But probably you're in the second
type of relationship breakup, so I'll the solution for
this type will serve you best to get over a
relationship breakup. Good luck!
There is > 90% possibility that if you're reading this
book, your relationship breakup can be attached to
the second group - your partner decided to split up.

CHAPTER SEVEN

THE REASONS AND THE CAUSES FOR


BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP
TOP REASONS WHY COUPLES BREAK UP
If we consider the history of the institution of
marriage, all of us would agree that it started at the
time of creation itself. Man and woman are different
both biologically and in mental makeup. However,
the creation would not continue if man and woman
do not come together. The physical and emotional
needs unite man and woman and marriages take
place. Till the beginning of the twentieth century,
joint families and lifetime single marriages were
quite prevalent. Divorces were few and far in
between. However, things started changing as more
and more women took up careers and achieved
financial independence. The dependence of women
on men declined and even small disagreements
were magnified to a large extent that they were
considered to be impinging on the individuality.
Let us consider the top reasons why couples break
up.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

107

Desire to be independent.
Getting attracted to another person.
Infidelity.
Physical incompatibility.
Less attracted to the person in a sexual way.
108

6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14.
15.
16.

Lack of proper body maintenance, like


becoming too fat.
Conflict in tastes and desires.
Continuous nagging.
Comparing the man or woman to others
constantly
Imparting unsolicited advice all the time
Addiction to alcohol or drugs
Deterioration in the health of one spouse or
suffering from incurable ailments like HIV
Physical and mental abuse and exhibiting
sadistic tendencies
Ignoring or showing disrespect to friends and
relatives of one spouse
Impotency or inability to bear children.
Illiteracy and Ignorance (among all other
things)

The above reasons are all chief causes for a


marriage breakup. Sometimes, one reason alone
might be enough for separation, while in several
cases, a combination of a few of them lead to
divorce. In this list, getting attracted to another
person and infidelity might appear similar, but
there is one important difference between them. In
the former, the man or the woman might become
more interested in another person and might think
of leading a life of marriage with that person as a
better option to the current life. In this case, the
decision for separation from the present spouse
could be taken before a physical contact with the
109

other person. On the other hand, infidelity is actual


extra-marital relationship, which is a sure marriage
breaker in several cases.
In certain marriages, when the man and woman
become united without a physical relationship
before the marriage, the physical incompatibility
might become apparent when the marriage is
consummated, leading to separation. Similarly, the
impotency in man or the inability of the woman to
bear a child either immediately after the marriage
or after several years could result in a divorce. The
reduction in physical desire after a few years had
also been a cause for the breakup of the marriage. If
the health of the man or the woman deteriorates
sharply or if they contract incurable diseases like
HIV, the marriage might fail. Even the neglect by a
spouse of maintaining the physical fitness and
becoming too fat or too weak could break a
marriage.
Physical and mental abuse is another major reason
for divorces. Sadistic tendencies in either spouse
that lead to continuous physical or mental torture
usually ends in parting of ways. Too much
addiction to alcohol or drugs had also led to
marriage failures in several cases. Too much
nagging by a spouse, and this is usually done more
by women than men, had resulted in marriage
breakup very often. The other similar reasons are
comparing the man or the woman with other
110

persons continuously and hurting the sentiments or


creating an inferiority complex could also lead to
divorce.

However, an understanding approach and a giveand-take policy would avoid divorces, if both men
and women take a more tolerant attitude.

Even imparting unwarranted and unsolicited


advice too often is considered as interference in the
individuality, leading to disagreements. A joke is
there that the psychiatrist charges you for the same
advice that the wife gives you free. Too much of
anything could spoil even a good relationship.
Similarly, conflict in tastes and interests that were
ignored during courtship or were considered trivial,
assume a bigger shape after marriage and lead to
fights. If the man or the woman ignore or show
disrespect to the friends and relations of the other,
that results in misunderstanding and creates
irritation. Slowly, the couple starts drifting apart in
such circumstances and finally part ways totally.

8 BAD REASONS TO BREAK UP


If you have a reputation as a bit of a heartbreaker,
you're probably ending relationships for the wrong
reasons.

The financial independence achieved by women


had brought in a change in their attitude. They feel
that their individuality must be respected and
should not be interfered with. Their economic
dependence on men is much less or non-existent
compared to olden days when women stayed at
home. Further, the separate careers result in men
and women working in different places, thus
increasing not only the physical distance but also
the mental distance. This invariably leads to
separation. All these causes, either singly or in
combination, end up in the couple breaking up.
111

After all, not every bad day has to spell the end and
not every problem is insurmountable. Wondering if
you're throwing in the towel too soon? Check out 8
bad reasons to break up. For many of us, its clear
when a relationship has run its course, but far too
many folds before theyve really tried to make it
work. Not every bad day has to spell the end and
not every problem is insurmountable. But how do
you know when youre giving up too soon? Here
are eight terrible reasons to break up with
someone
1) You've Had a Big Fight
Having a row with your partner is as inevitable as
Thanksgiving with the in-laws. But not only is
having a conflict with your partner not a reason to
break up, its often a reason that you should stay
together. Even the most reasonable people disagree
with each other, and the way you resolve your
differences can help your relationship climb to new
levels. So dont clam up or head for the door at the
112

first sign of a disagreement. Instead, use it as a way


to further understand your partner and what makes
him or her tick.
2) Your Partner doesnt like everything you like
So your new boyfriend doesnt want to spend the
weekends antiquing or your new girlfriend would
rather turn the TV to a channel other than ESPN.
Thats perfectly fine and again, no reason to start
searching for a new partner. Differences can be
healthy. Having your own things to do can
naturally give a relationship the space it requires.
As long as you have enough shared interests to
remain united as a couple, take a hint from the
French vive la difference!
3) Your Partner Finds Other People Attractive
Just because youve captured anothers heart, it
doesnt mean that youve removed the eyes from
that persons head, too. Even when fully loved up,
its crazy to think that your partner has gone blind
to the attractiveness of others. Physically attractive
people are all around us, on TV, in film and even in
the local supermarket, so its nave to think that
theyll go unnoticed. Theres even a chance that
your loved one will feel that pull of chemistry with
someone else, too, so youd better learn how to
manage it. In a good committed relationship, the
partners are not cut off to external influences, but
theyre mature enough to know that acting on them
is a recipe for disaster.
113

4) You Dont Have Time for a Relationship


Yes, we all know how important your career is right
now and that the world will collapse without your
undivided attention and input. But get your
priorities straight. Astronauts have partners, as do
scientists, doctors, judges, teachers and even
presidents. Youre a very important person, but
never too important to enjoy one of the greatest and
most important pleasures in life: a loving
relationship. So sure, go to the gym, put in some
overtime at work, and write a book, save the planet.
But understand that having love in your life will
make all that seem even more worthwhile.
5) Baggage Has Got you Down
We all carry a certain amount of baggage with us,
and not just when we go on vacation. But just
because youve had a bad experience in your past, it
doesnt mean you have to carry it with you forever
into your future. Instead, learn from those
experiences, use them as a way to make wiser
choices and break the pattern. Your new partner is
not your old partner, and just because that person
treated you badly dont mean that your new partner
will, too.
6) He or She Doesnt Do as you Say
While you and your new love may give each other
pet names, one thing your sweetie is not is an actual
pet. He or she wont sit and stay when you want,
114

nor should you want that. While small power


struggles are common in all relationships, some
peoples need for the ultimate say can destroy the
peace. Maybe youre not happy with your
significant other going out with his friends. Or you
dont like it when she voices her opinions. If this is
so, its your issue, not your partners, and its not a
reason to pull the plug. If you find that its a
recurring theme for you, maybe its time to seek
personal therapy and work through your own
problems before blaming your partner.
7) You Let Petty Things Get in the Way
A lot of people need drama in their lives to feel
alive, but the only thing regal about a drama queen
is that she can be a royal pain. Like a critic
reviewing a movie, its easy to pick on whats
wrong with something and make it into something
bigger than it is: OMG, he got me an emerald
necklace for my birthday, and he KNOWS I hate
green. Im so sick of her tuning the radio to
country FM when were in her car. If you have
specific issues with something, talk about it, but
focus on the positive, like the thoughtfulness of a
gift or a simple ride to the airport. Be thankful for
the love in your life and for what you are getting
out of your relationship, and remember to look at
the bigger picture and stop sweating the details.

115

8) The Relationship Doesnt Always Make you


Happy
Love may be a many splendored thing, but a
relationship doesnt exist JUST to make you happy.
Its not the answer to everything, nor is it an escape
from all ills or an elixir to bring a perma-smile to
your face. A partner can obviously be a great
support in your life, but youre still responsible for
yourself, for accomplishing your individual goals
and for keeping yourself entertained. If youve
abandoned all hobbies and ambitions or dreams
because youre expecting your relationship to fulfill
all your needs, youre doing yourself and your
partner a disservice, and are piling on far too
much pressure. For it to work, YOU have to work,
so look inside before casting the blame on someone
else. Itll be good for your relationship and good
for you, too.
THE TOP CAUSES OF RELATIONSHIP BREAKUPS

When you fall in love, you feel like a million


dollars. When you marry your love, you are
intoxicated with joy. You never think a break up is
possible. You are sure your love and joy are going
to last forever. But as the days or months or years
pass, you feel something has gone wrong. Your
feeling gets stronger and stronger, and before you
know it, you break up with your partner and
dissolve into tears of misery.

116

The breakup of a loving relationship can cause


untold pain. However, the thousands of divorces
and break ups that are taking place all over the
world prove that a break up is one of the sad
realities of life. Many times, one wonders which is
worse-staying in an unhappy relationship or
breaking up. Either way, it is a deep personal loss, a
shattering experience that can force you into
temporary depression.
Why do people break up in spite of the misery it
creates? The millions of break up reasons cannot be
mentioned. However, some of these reasons are too
silly for words or not at all the right reasons for a
break up. For example, people break up if they have
a tiff, a disagreement, a difference of taste and
opinion or find someone else attractive or if their
partner doesn't listen to them or make them happy.
In such cases, coming to a consensus is a much
more pleasant option that breaking up.
However, there are situations in which life becomes
so painful that a break up is the only way out. Here
is a list of top reasons people break up a
relationship.
Infidelity
Infidelity is the top reason for a break up. A
cheating partner simply means that something is
wrong with the marriage. When you realize that
your partner has been cheating, you lose both trust
117

and respect. Any marriage is based on the solid


foundations of trust, love, and respect. And a
marriage that lacks trust, love, and respect has no
option but to break up.
Abuse
Unfortunately, many people stay in an abusive
relationship for years before deciding to break up. If
you have ended up with a sadist who enjoys
heaping physical and mental abuse on you, it is
time to break up. Don't ever make the mistake of
thinking that your partner will "change" or that you
"still love" your partner or that your religion is
against it.
Lack of Time
If you or your partner doesn't have the time to
nurture and nourish your relationship of love, you
are in for trouble. Several marriages collapse owing
to lack of time. Of course, your job is important, but
so is your relationship. So save your marriage by
giving it the quality time that it deserves. After all,
what is life without love?
Falling Out of Love
Couples fall out of love just as they once fall in love.
Over the passage of time, the relationship just turns
cold. And if you happen to meet an exciting person
at around this time, the marriage is as good as
finished. Most couples are of the opinion that it is
118

better to break up than continue with a lifeless


relationship that lacks passion and warmth.
A break up might be the best thing in case of an
abusive relationship; however, in most other cases,
it isn't such a great idea at all. Loss of love is the
worst thing any man or woman can experience.
Trying to save your marriage or your relationship
by talking things out or attending couple
counseling is much better than making a decision to
break up.
COMMON CAUSES FOR RELATIONSHIP
BREAKUPS
In stories and movies, relationships always end
happily ever after. The fact is, no matter how strong
you are as a couple, at one point, that bond may
weaken. Relationship breaks ups occur when either,
or both people, are no longer satisfied with their
arrangement. As time passes, relationships change.
Sometimes, these changes can be the death of a
partnership. Here are some of the most common
reasons yours could eventually fizzle out:

relationship can fall apart without this trust. One


day everything is fine, the next day you look across
the breakfast table and wonder if the person youre
looking at is the same person you fell in love with in
the first place.
Another common cause for relationship breakups
are differences. Often, the things we have in
common are what bring us together with our
partner. While initially it may seem like you and
your partner agree on lots of things, it is only a
matter of time before differences can rear their ugly
head. Suddenly, somebody who seemed like your
other half can turn into your exact opposite. All of a
sudden, the common bond on which the
relationship was built is no longer strong enough to
hold the partners together.

Breakups happen for many reasons. Distrust being


one of the most common. Healthy love affairs are
built on trust. When you commit yourself to
somebody, you are placing a large amount of trust
in them. You trust your partner to be faithful, to be
supportive, and to be empathetic to your needs.
Sometimes, either through carelessness or stupidity,
that trust can be broken. All too quickly, a

Boredom can be another major factor in relationship


breakups. Young relationships are known for their
intense feeling and passion it is difficult to be
apart from one another. However, with time,
relationships settle down, usually landing in a
comfort zone. This comfort zone can be a
treacherous place. If youre not truly in sync with
your partner, this comfort level can lead to an
unsatisfying relationship. Instead of buying you
flowers, he just comes home and sits on the couch.
Instead of meeting you for lunch, she goes out with
her friends. With the loss of that early excitement,
one or both partners may begin seeking that

119

120

excitement from somebody else. This is how


boredom can cause tension and ultimately a
breakup. Perhaps the ultimate cause for breakups is
the loss of love.
No matter how well things may seem, you might
wake up one day and realize the love you once
shared with your partner is gone. Without love, it is
almost impossible for things to continue. After all,
love is the reason we seek to be in a relationship in
the first place. The sad fact is, love, like everything
else in nature, is transitory. Love can come, and love
can certainly go. When love is gone, there is no
reason for a relationship to continue.
DEALING WITH BREAKUP - WHAT CAUSES A
BREAKUP?
People breakup for many different reasons, trying
to get into the mind of the opposite sex can be very
confusing at the best of times. Are you dealing with
breakup? If your partner has told you the reason
why they broke up with you in the first place, you
often feel that there is more to the story than you're
being told. You may even feel that the other person
is choosing to lie to you rather than tell you the
truth.

not working for me", it's up to you to decode the


secret "cipher" to get to the bottom of what actually
caused the breakup, so that you can fix it.
I'm sure that by now, you know that life is not
usually black and white, fortunately there are some
things that are pretty much cut and dried. For
example if one of you had an affair and the other
one found out, that would pretty much kill almost
any relationship and be enough reason for the other
person to "make like Donald, and 'duck'".
Before warned, if that ever happened to you, things
had started to go wrong in your relationship long
before the affair took place. If your's is a situation
where you cannot put your finger on the precise
reason for the breakup, then it's time you brushed
up on your knowledge of what makes men and
women tick.

Deciphering the real reason for the breakup.


Let's be honest, if you've been dumped and left with
some re-hashed excuse like " I need more, this is just

Why Men Breakup A Relationship.


They certainly don't want to hurt your feelings on
purpose. (It's not the norm anyhow)You may find
that they just can't bear to see your reaction if they
told you the truth. Truth be told, sometimes men
don't even know why they want the breakup in the
first place, but they do. When it comes down to
'brass tacks', no matter which way you look at it,
most men will break up a relationship if they find it
is not giving them what they require. Men are
wired in such a way that they crave to be admired,

121

122

and therefore need to see this admiration and


respect being shown to them from the opposite sex.
ANOTHER FOUR CAUSES OF BREAKUPS IN
RELATIONSHIPS
Most women today wonder what went wrong
when they suddenly find themselves single again
after a long or short term relationship.
Here are some of the top reasons why men dump
women:
1. Jealousy
Have you ever acted sulky after your man went out
for a night with his friends? Has he ever had to
explain to you who that girl was you saw him
talking to? Guys dont like a jealous woman. They
may put up with you for a while, but they will get
sick and tired of your attitude and answering your
million questions. If you tend to be the jealous type,
try your best to keep it under wraps. At the very
least, talk openly and honestly with your man about
it and never accuse him of anything without having
clear proof.

3. Different Values
You may be Muslim and he is Christian. Or you
want to get married soon and he doesnt. Whatever
the reason may be, the two of you have values that
are just too different. When you get over the hurt of
being dumped you will realize that he did you a
favor. Do you really want to be with someone who
holds different values? If you do, expect significant
challenges down the road.
4. Secrets Dont Make Boyfriends
You may be a very private person. You dont want
to tell him everything about you just yet. However,
be careful that you dont hold your cards too close
to your chest. If you dont let him in to know the
real you, he may hightail it out of there wondering
what you have to hide.
Now that you know some of the top reasons why
men break
up with
women, examine your
past relationships. Is there a pattern? If you realize
that you tend to be a jealous girlfriend, work on it
and try to be better. Dont let any of these be
reasons why you get broken up with again.

2. Out of Love
Some relationships just arent meant to be. For
whatever reason, he may just not love you anymore
or feel that spark that is so important for a
couple. If this happens to you, make it a learning
experience! Now you know what you like and
dont like.

WHY DO COUPLES BREAK UP AND


RELATIONSHIPS FAIL?
Conflict and stress are part of most love
relationships. These reasons couples break up and
relationships fail can help you heal and learn to love

123

124

again. Working towards a healthy love relationship


is one of the most rewarding and challenging things
youll ever do! These ten reasons couples break up
and relationships fail describe the most common
problems couples face.

holidays, and so on, the relationship can


become unstable. If a sense of equality doesnt
exist, a failed relationship could be the result.
3.

Acceptance of Stereotypes.
Mistaken gender myths include beliefs such
as Men like sex more than women or
Women are passive or Men make more
money than women. If one partner believes
these stereotypes, false expectations are
created resulting in higher chances of a
failed relationship. An equal balance of power
can save your marriage.

4.

Isolation.
A common reason couples break up is
isolation from friends and family when the
couple first gets together. Intimate love
relationships based on fear and insecurity
(which is why couples isolate themselves)
arent stable, and exacerbate other problems
which can lead to a relationship breakup.

5.

Lack of self-knowledge.
If one or both partners arent in tune with
their interests, needs, desires, future plans,
goals,
values,
sexual
attitudes,
and
preferences then its difficult for them to
engage in a healthy relationship. Selfknowledge helps partners communicate who
they are and what they want which can

These tips will help couples build long-term love,


and help broken hearts heal after a relationship
breakup.
WHY DO COUPLES BREAK UP?
10 COMMON REASONS RELATIONSHIPS FAIL
1.

2.

Failing to keep promises, lying, or cheating.


These blatant violations of trust often result in
failed relationships. If the basic trust in a love
relationship is repeatedly broken, the
problems accumulate and the motivation to
stay together decreases. Partners in healthy
relationships agree to reconcile their
differences and if they keep their promises,
the relationship can stay strong. However,
consistent lying, cheating, or breaking of
promises can explain why relationships end.
Imbalance of Power.
A common reason couples break up is when
one partner has more decision-making power
than the other. When one person usually
makes the decisions about activities, friends,
financial
matters,
household
matters,
125

126

prevent the breakup of a romantic


relationship. This can be a reason why couples
break up, especially if they got together when
they were young.
6.

Low self-esteem, insecurity, and lack of selfconfidence.


A common reason couples break up is
because one partner feels unworthy of being
loved. This insecurity can lead to
possessiveness and overdependence, which
isnt healthy for a love relationship. Building
self-esteem and self-confidence is one way to
avoid relationship failure (but each partner
must do this for him or herself).

7.

Excessive Jealousy.
Jealousy is cited as one of the most frequent
causes of the breakup of romantic
relationships, writers Roger Hock in Human
Sexuality. Delusional jealousy can trigger
abuse and violence, which can (and should)
be why relationships end. Delusional jealousy
isnt a common problem couples face but
normal jealousy can be.

8.

Ineffective Communication.
If both partners cant share their thoughts,
feelings, opinions, values, needs, frustrations,
or even their joys, a failed relationship could
result. If this was the cause of a breakup, then
127

learning to love again could involve learning


how to communicate effectively. This is a
common reason for breaking up.
9.

Control Issues.
If one partner is trying to control or
manipulate the other, the love relationship
can become weak or even dangerous. This
reason why relationships end may be seen in
different ways, such as checking up on the
partner, name-calling, threatening the partner,
requiring the partner check in all the time, or
not allowing any deviations from the
partners schedule. This isnt loving behavior,
and it results in failed relationships.

10.

Abuse.
This is the most obvious, surefire way to
reason why couples break up. Different types
of abuse are attempts to gain total control
over a partner. Though relationships like this
should end immediately, many partners stay
for various complicated reasons. Learning to
love and trust again can be difficult if this is
the reason the relationship ended.
Conflict and stress are part of most marriages
and love relationships but being aware of the
common reasons couples break up can help
them work towards a healthy love
relationship.
128

WHY DO MARRIAGES AND RELATIONSHIPS


BREAKUP?
Relationships and what causes them to breakup.
There are millions of reasons that relationships
breakup, and not all of them are obvious. Having
said that, for the purpose of understanding
breakups, we dont need a complete list of every
possible reason or cause that can contribute to
relationships breaking up. The truth is that we can
categorize most relationship breakups into a much
smaller list. When we do this, we can see the
reasons for the breakup far more clearly, and
consequently, fixing a relationship breakup should
become that much easier and clearer too. Its also
rare for a relationship breakup to occur for just one
single reason, there are usually a few reasons that
compound together to finally breakup a
relationship, and sometimes there are a whole host
of different reasons that bring about the split.
For example, falling out of love is an often used
reason to breakup, but diminishing love is usually
just a symptom. There are other factors that are
causing the love to drain from the relationship. If a
couple is growing apart, then there is something
contributing to this, its not the growing apart that
is the problem, but whatever is causing it to
happen. So lets have a look at some of the causes of
relationship breakups instead of the symptoms that
most people blame.
129

RELATIONSHIPS AND TRUST


Trust is one of the biggest reasons why
relationships end. It becomes a large category that
covers everything from actual infidelity to imagined
infidelity, but trust is not confined to adultery.
Being able to trust your spouse or partner to back
you up when you need it.
Trusting that whatever is said is actually the truth.
Being able to rely on a promise made is also trust, in
fact, not just promises, reliability of any kind is a
form of trust. Can you be completely relied on by
your partner, and can you rely on your partner just
as much?
A lack of trust destroys relationships, and sadly, the
lack of trust is not always justified. If either one of
the couple has low self-esteem or a lack of
confidence in themselves, then this can lead to
distrust of their partner.
In this instance, the real reason causing the distrust
needs to be addressed, but usually trust is lost in a
relationship because of a lack of honesty or an
inability to communicate effectively.
RELATIONSHIPS AND COMMUNICATION
This brings us to another major reason for
relationship breakups, communication. More
specifically, a lack of effective communication.
This does not mean that you dont chat a lot, or
even discuss things. It simply means that what is
130

being said is not really getting to the bottom of the


issues that matter the most. For instance, when one
of the couple in a relationship accuses the other of
not understanding them, then exactly whos fault is
this lack of understanding?
Not getting your needs met? Again, whos fault is
that? Does your partner know what your needs are
or how important any particular need is?
Likes are just as important to communicate to your
partner as dislikes are. Your hopes and dreams for
the future, your regrets from the past, its important
to communicate all that matters to each person in a
relationship. If this doesnt happen than resentment
is very often the result.
RELATIONSHIPS AND ABUSE
Abuse is the next biggest killer of relationships,
actually, when abuse exists in a relationship then it
ceases to be a relationship simply because abuse is
present. But, what exactly constitutes abuse in a
relationship?
The obvious one is physical abuse, but there are
other forms of abuse that have no place in any
relationship. Emotional abuse is every bit as
common as physical abuse, so also is mental abuse.
Emotional abuse is best summed up as guilt.
Making someone feel guilty, especially emotional
blackmail. This is actually one of the methods that
131

control freaks use and is a particularly nasty form of


abuse in a relationship.
Mental abuse can be best summed as a form
of bullying, but it goes deeper than that and at its
worst can rob all the self confidence from the
person being abused, its another one of a control
freaks methods of completely controlling someone.
The bottom line to any relationship breakup advice
when abuse is involved, is get out, and stay out.
There is no compromise, abuse has no place in a
relationship. Relationships are about nurturing each
other and helping each other to grow, it is not
trying to diminish them in any way or to hold them
back, and its definitely not controlling them. These
are the major three reasons that cause relationships
to breakup, they not appear to be the reasons at first
glance, but when you really dig into all that has
happened and try and get to the fundamental
problems, then youll find that most can fall into at
least one of these categories.
THE SYSTEM TO FIX YOUR BREAKUP AND
GET YOUR EX BACK
You need a step-by-step plan that takes you by the
hand and shows you what to say and when to say it
so that you can fix your broken relationship and
win back your lover's heart.

132

The Magic of Making up System is one such guide


that has helped countless numbers of folks to fix
their broken relationships and win back their
love...whether boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse.
In the guide you'll learn how to:
Get Instant Relief from break-up pain and
depression
How to tell that your ex still loves you
Are they with someone else now? Find out why
rebound relationships almost never work and
how you can use it to your benefit to win them
back
The right and wrong times to apologize - this can
make or break the relationship at this point
Recapture the romance and rekindle the flame
Use the Bonding Secret to your advantage - this
is real relationship magic and works like a
charm!
A quick look of Key Steps to Getting Your Ex
Back
Understand what really went wrong, so you can
start making it right
Realize that your situation is not impossible
Avoid panic and aggressive behavior that could
end your relationship permanently
Make repairs so your relationship can be better
and stronger than ever
Make a plan that will re-ignite the passion
133

The Magic of Making Up Will Give You a


Complete Plan For Getting Your Ex Back.
LOVE MAKES WOMEN BLIND
Very often, women get involved in long-term
relationships with men who don't want to settle
down and get married. If you do this when you
intend to get married, you will almost certainly fail
even if you do everything perfectly. It's just like the
classic scenario where the farmer does all the
required things perfectly, only to lose everything
right before the harvest season, because of the wild
nature.
So when you choose a long-term partner you have
to take his nature into account. Some men simply
won't settle down until they're old enough to
appreciate what a marriage has to offer. That's why
you have to be careful who you fall in love with.
Here's the key process of deception that takes place
when you fall in love with a man: you meet him
and he looks, talks and behaves in a way that makes
you feel drawn to him. Even though you know very
little about him at this point, you fill in the rest of
the information with ideals from our own mind.
Our imagination has a miraculous property: it fills
in the gaps with meanings from our own mind and
it completes the picture in a way that maintains the
feeling we attached to it when we had only a few
pieces of the puzzle. The lonelier you feel and the
134

less experienced you are, the more this process will


take place when you meet a man who has certain
qualities that you feel attracted to.
If you fall in love with a man in this way you're
basically doing all the work yourself and you can't
know if what you're feeling is real and lasting or
just
imaginary
and
temporary. The
same
thing applies for a man who goes through this
process and then he thinks he loves you for real,
only to realize a few months/years later that he
doesn't. And when you remember that men have
even less awareness than women when it comes to
these things.

CHAPTER EIGHT

HOW TO GET OVER BREAKUP IN A


RELATIONSHIP
Breakups can be so rough, and they can be
amicable; no matter what, no one really wants to go
through them. The loss of your relationship can
bring on intense heartache and stress. But if you're
looking for some help getting through it and want
some suggestions about how to make it a little
easier.

So if it's marriage you have in mind, make sure you


fall in love with a man who has the potential of
wanting the same thing. Otherwise you're doomed
to fail from the very start.

1.

THINK THROUGH EVERYTHING


THOROUGHLY, BUT NOT OBSESSIVELY.
Go ahead and mull it over, as many times as
necessary, within reason. Consider all the reasons
you two broke up. Even if it sometimes seems as if
there wasn't a good reason, there certainly was one and probably more than one. Understand that you
enjoyed being together for a while, but if the
relationship was not what both you and your
partner wanted for life, it would have ended
eventually, no matter what. In this case, better
sooner than later. Thinking about the reasons why it
ended can make it much clearer to you that it takes
two people to start a relationship, but just one
discordant person is enough to end it. It may also
help you avoid many missteps in the future if you

135

136

can identify areas where you contributed to the


demise of the relationship.
2.
DON'T RETHINK YOUR DECISION.
If the breakup was your decision, keep in mind that
only thinking about all the good times you had with
your partner may cause you to forget the reasons
why you broke it off. By the same token, try not to
second-guess the situation if the decision to end
things was not yours. It's very common to
romanticize the good parts of the relationship,
convincing yourself that maybe the bad parts
weren't so bad after all, that maybe you could just
live with them. Or that maybe if your ex would
know just how you feel, he/she wouldn't want
to break up after all. Don't play this game with
yourself. Accept the situation and work on moving
forward.

yourself honestly what the point would be. If you're


reliving the past by seeing him/her, it's not hard to
get caught up in the moment and it will be harder
to let go again. You may have to have some contact
in order to deal with the practical aspects of things
like moving out, signing papers, etc., but try to limit
this to what's absolutely necessary, and then keep
such calls/meetings short and civil.
4.
COPE WITH THE PAIN APPROPRIATELY.
It's okay to feel like you have messed up - accepting
responsibility for your mistakes or shortcomings is
healthy. On the other hand, you must also accept
that you are a good person, and that you did your
best and you're not the only one who made
mistakes. Of course, a stage of denial is completely
natural, but acceptance is the key to being able to
start moving on.

3.
KEEP YOUR SPACE.
Even if you and your ex have decided to stay
friends, break away completely from each other
right after the breakup. This means not seeing each
other, not being around his/her family members,
no phone calls, no e-mails, no text messages, no
Facebook, and no IMs - not necessarily as a
permanent measure, but until you feel that you can
converse with him/her on a purely platonic level,
without an ulterior motive (and yes, wanting to get
back together counts as an ulterior motive). If
he/she tries to convince you to see him/her, ask

5.
DEAL WITH THE HATE PHASE.
This is when you want to just scream because your
rage feels boundless. The amount of anger you feel
depends on how antagonistic the split was, the
circumstances, and how long it took to make the
final break. You may resent your ex for wasting
your time. You may realize that the breakup was
inevitable (hindsight will reveal clues you failed to
notice at the time). You may even feel a lot of anger
towards yourself, but let go of that feeling fast! It's a
waste of time and energy to rip yourself apart over
something you no longer have the power to change.

137

138

There are so many positive things you can do with


your emotions and energy. Although it may feel
good to replace your feelings of love towards your
ex with hate, this can still lead to complications and
mixed emotions of love and hate which are never a
good thing.
6.
TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS.
You want people around you who love you and
who will help you feel good about yourself.
Surrounding
yourself
with
compassionate,
supportive friends and family will help you see
yourself as a worthwhile person, and you'll find it
easier to get steady on your feet again with your
loved ones around you in a comforting net. But be
wary of friends trying to connect you with another
person right now, this is not what you need.
7.
WRITE ALL YOUR FEELINGS DOWN.
Write in a journal or try writing poems. The most
important thing is to be absolutely honest and don't
edit yourself as you go. One of the best results of
writing it all down is that sometimes you will be
amazed by a sudden insight that comes to you as
you are pouring it all out onto paper. Patterns may
become clearer, and as your grieving begins to
lessen, you will find it so much easier to understand
valuable life lessons from the whole experience if
you've been writing your way through it. No
relationship is ever a failure if you manage to learn
something about yourself. Just because it didn't
139

work out doesn't mean it wasn't a necessary part of


your journey to becoming who you're meant to be.
8.
MAKE A LIST OF REMINDERS.
One of the best tricks to help you stick to your
resolve is to make a list of all the reasons your ex
was not the one for you. Be ruthless and clear -- this
is not the time to be forgiving. What you're doing is
creating a picture for yourself that will call up an
emotional response when you feel tempted to think
that "maybe if you just did this or that, it would
work out..." Write down what happened and how it
made you feel, being clear about the things you
never want to feel again.
When you find yourself missing your ex in a weak
moment, and think you might actually be getting
too close to the telephone, get out this list, read it
over a couple times, and then talk to yourself, "This
is the truth of what it was like. Why would I want
to go back and torture myself again?" If you're
caught in a low-self-esteem trap, thinking you don't
deserve better, imagine this happening to a friend
of yours, and think what you would say to your
friend: "Get as far away as you can! That
relationship was no good for you!"
9.

OUT WITH THE OLD, IN WITH THE


NEW.
A breakup can signify a new beginning. Therefore,
cleaning and organizing your personal space will
140

leave you feeling refreshed and prepared for the


new things to come. A mess can be overwhelming
and depressing, and will just add to
your stress level. The added bonus is that keeping
busy with tidying your space doesn't require a lot of
brain power, but does require just enough focus to
keep you from recycling pain. Occupying yourself
with such tasks designed to make your life better
and easier will also occupy your mind enough to
help you through the residual pain. Clean your
room, get some new posters, clean up the icons on
your PC desktop. As insignificant as cleaning up
sounds, it'll make you feel better.

It can work wonders to clear your space of all these


triggers.
If you have a keepsake, such as a watch or piece of
jewelry that was given to you by your ex, and it's a
reminder of the good aspects of your relationship,
there's nothing wrong with keeping such a thing,
but for the time being, try putting it away for later,
when you've given yourself some time and space.
Put these reminders far away from you, such as in a
box in a place you'll never go. Out of sight, out of
mind.
11.

10. REMOVE MEMORY TRIGGERS.


There are all kinds of things that remind you of
your ex - a song, a smell, a sound, a place. Once the
grieving period has had some time to process, don't
dwell on painful feelings or memories. There are
probably things that are pushing your buttons
without your conscious recognition. Try walking
around each room in your house with a box and
removing things that make your heart ache or your
stomach turn. Really focus and look carefully. You
may realize that the little blue bird-shaped box
sitting on the mantel has become pretty invisible for
the last couple years, but when you take a conscious
look at it, you notice that every time you turn
towards that corner of the room and it catches your
eye, you feel a sharp little pain in your solar plexus.
141

FIND HAPPINESS IN OTHER AREAS OF


YOUR LIFE.
Whether that means spending time with your
friends and family, signing up for that class you've
always wanted to take, or reading every book on
the New York Times bestseller list, remind yourself
that a relationship is one part of life, but even when
you are in one, there are personal pleasures that
you can always enjoy on your own. Indulge in those
things now. As they say, the best revenge is living
well. Enjoy being single.
12. STAY ACTIVE.
Exercise improves your mood and alleviates
depression, and the distraction will help keep your
mind off your situation. Go running outside, visit
(or join) the gym, or just go for a walk, maybe with
142

a friend, and think of releasing the anger or sadness


with every step. If you don't exercise regularly, here
are some ways to motivate yourself to work out:
Do something small, right now. Going all the
way to the gym, or getting decked out in your
jogging gear, or doing whatever it is you feel you
should be doing obviously seems like too much
work. So just do ten push-ups or jumping jacks.
Easy. And usually, it's just enough to get your
heart rate going a little bit, and make you feel
like a little more exercise wouldn't be so bad...
Get halfway there. If you want to go to the gym,
but just don't feel like it, at least just drive
yourself to gym, and tell yourself that if you still
don't feel like working out, you'll go home. Odds
are, though, once you're there, you won't feel like
driving home. (But if you do, that's OK too. But
you probably won't.) Then tell yourself you'll
just walk on the treadmill for 10 minutes, even if
your exercise routine involves much more. Just
telling yourself to do one more thing, without
having to commit to anything else, will make
things much easier. And before long, your
endorphins will take over.

relationship with that person was unique and


special in a lot of ways. You can congratulate
yourself for being brave enough to take a risk and
fall in love, and encourage your heart that even
though love didn't work out this time, there will be
a next time.
14. REMIND YOURSELF OF THE NEGATIVE
THINGS.
Not necessarily ALL negative, but the "turn-offs" of
that person. For example, the LESS attractive you
find them, the quicker you'll get over them. Your
mentality has to strictly be all bad characteristics
about this person, WITHOUT sounding hateful, or
"hating" on this person. (Ex. his/her hair always
had a funny smell to it, he/she never brushed his
teeth, he/she never bought anything for my
birthday, he/she had the ugliest smile I've ever
seen, he/she had the most annoying laugh, ETC).
HOW TO GET OVER A BREAKUP AND
MAINTAINYOUR ONLINE DIGNITY
Ending a relationship is even more difficult when
you have to see constant updates from your ex.
Take solace with these tips on getting over a
breakup while preserving your dignity online.

13. LET GO OF THE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS.


Understand that there is no benefit in holding on to
heartache, regret, and hatred toward another
person. Realize that although it is over, your

Step 1
CHOOSE PRIVATE OR PUBLIC
Decide how many people in your social network
you want to hear about your change in relationship

143

144

status. It may be easier to get over a breakup by


eliciting sympathy with a public announcement or
by simply laying low. Once you've decided, adjust
your privacy settings, and switch your status if
necessary.
Tip:
Consider removing your relationship status from
your online profile entirely, rather than changing it
to "single."
Step 2
CUT ALL TIES
Defriend, unfollow, and unlink from any direct
online connection to your ex. It might seem severe,
but you'll get over a breakup faster without reading
about their rebounds or seeing pictures of them
loving life when you're feeling down.
Step 3
POST WISELY
Post positively -- if you and your ex share gossipy
online friends, at least make them _think_ you're
OK about the breakup. Don't post platitudes or
cliche song lyrics. Instead, write updates that
describe new developments in your own life.
Tip
"Finally stopped crying" is not a new development
worth posting.

145

Step 4
PROTECT YOURSELF
Put up online safeguards to protect yourself in
moments of weakness. Download applications that
keep you from searching for names or sending emails when you're depressed, drunk, or both.
Step 5
MOVE ON
Over the breakup and ready to move on? Check out
online dating sites and your friends' friends and
connections for potential flings or partners, and
make finding a new love as easy as logging on.
Fact:
According to a 2010 global poll, 30% of web users
think the internet is a good place to meet a romantic
partner.
A TWO-WEEK GUIDE TO GETTING OVER A
BREAKUP
You know that slump we all experience after a
broken relationship and how people say the best
revenge is living well or how there is nothing like
getting under someone to get over someone? Well,
that is great advice but it isn't always easy to find
someone to "get under" and "living well" can be
hard to do when in an emotional slump.

146

There are certain stages we all have to go through


after a break up and, like it or not, that slump is one
of those stages. No one wants to wallow in it,
especially if the slump is due to some unworthy jerk
who really isn't worth it. The truth is though, that
sometimes we have to wallow and work our way
out of that slump naturally.
It's like the grief you felt when your new car got its
first scratch or that promotion you wanted went to
someone way less qualified than you. The hurt of a
broken relationship can be earth shattering. Go
ahead and sulk. Rant and rave and throw a few
things. Wallow in that slump until you hit rock
bottom. When the earth stops shaking and you are
able to see a light at the end of the tunnel then you
can begin to remember what a fabulous, sexy, exotic
creature you are. That is when you can start living
well and getting your revenge. Who knows, you
might even find someone to get under!
What I hope this article will do is help you through
that emotional slump and assist you in finding your
way back to the land of the living. Use my
suggestions and it won't be long before he will be
out of mind, as well as out of sight.

make it a good letter. Highlight your attributes and


all his negative character flaws. Be sure to tell him
how much better life has become and how thankful
you are that he had the insight to know you
deserved better than him. Keep this letter, don't
send it, you will want to check back at the end of
your journey and see just how truthful your feelings
were at that time of such pain.
Day Two; why not make a list of all the things he
will miss about you? Your sparkling smile, your
quick wit, that deep throaty laugh or the way you
loved watching football with the guys. Maybe your
oatmeal raison cookies that he used to love so
much. Or, how about your sexual prowess and how
he really used to make your motor hum. Don't
forget all those dinners and movies you paid for
and how you would clean his place for him. You
know, make it a long list of things he will miss
about you today, tomorrow and every day after.

First Thing; buy yourself a journal. A pretty,


feminine, decorative journal to keep track daily
with your emotional healing. Your first entry on
Day one should be the good-bye letter. Be sure to

Day Three; go to Victoria's Secret and drop a wad


of cash on some brand new single girl undies.
Nothing makes a girl feel better than knowing she
looks good "under there." Go through that
underwear drawer and get rid of all the undies he
loved, especially any that he gave you. If he liked
lacy boy panties, buy yourself some white cotton
thongs. If he bought you smutty; Frederick's of
Hollywood, toss it and buy yourself something
tasteful in pink or purple. You get what we are

147

148

doing here? Let's get him out of your drawers,


figuratively and literally and make it all about you
and what you feel good in, "under there."
Day Four; make a list of things you can do this
week to help you feel good fast. Things like an all
girl weekend, doing nothing but shopping, eating
and bashing the guys. Maybe join an online dating
service. Create a seductive profile and come home
from work every night to an inbox full of ego
boosting emails. Take a class and learn how to pole
dance. Feel good about being able to take into your
next relationship something that fool will never
have the pleasure of experiencing. Take a trip to
your local sex shop and check out all the new
gadgets. Believe me, anything you purchase will
more than pay for itself within a week.
Day Five; make a list of every argument you two
had and why you were right every time. Like the
time he wanted to go to his mother's for Mother's
Day and you wanted to hit the new, hot club in
town. Imagine, choosing his mother over dancing
with you!! What a momma's boy!!

Day Seven; buy yourself something frivolous.


Something you know he would roll his eyes at and
consider a waste of money. Go for that new pair of
pink mules, maybe a sapphire toe ring, an
expensive new watch, anything just as long as it is
over-priced and impulsive.
Day Eight; burn yourself a new CD to listen to.
Make sure it is filled with songs that empower you,
songs that you can move to, find comfort in. Stuff
like Lara Fabian's I Will Love Again. There is
always the old country classic called Thank God
and Greyhound You're Gone. Songs you can belt
out in the car or shower, songs that feed your heart
and spirit.
Day Nine; make a list of all the red flags you
missed in the relationship. Stuff like how all of his
ex girlfriends were responsible for the breakups.
The fool just couldn't take responsibility could he?
How about how he was always late for a date but
always managed to turn it around and blame it on
you somehow. A sure fire passive/aggressive!

Day Six; call all those girlfriends you have


neglected during the relationship and catch up on
their lives. Be sure to avoid talking about who you
aren't seeing, diets, debt or how bad life is. Keep it
upbeat and make some fun plans for the future.

Day Ten; go on a bender. If you aren't driving then


go for it and tie on a good one. It will temporarily
relieve the pain and you can get real creative with
the Apple Schnapps and vodka. Better yet, why not
cold beer straight out of the bottle since it was his
opinion that a real lady would never drink beer
from the bottle.

149

150

Day Eleven; find any t-shirts or boxer shorts he


might have left behind and tear them into rags.
Take the rags, some yarn, buttons and feathers and
whip up a voodoo doll. Make it as ugly as possible
and give it a good, hard poke every time thoughts
of him invade your mind.
Day Twelve; Find a quiet place in your home to
create an alter for you and you alone to go to so
thoughts can be collected and thanks can be given
for the chance to start fresh. Grab an old trunk, a
small table or even an old shoebox and cover it with
a frilly scarf, top it off with candles, photos of
yourself and calming scenery, small trinkets like
your favorite piece of jewelry. Sit at your alter daily
and meditate on what you want your life to be. Use
visualization to imagine a full rewarding life
without the jerk.
Day Thirteen; host a Sex in The City marathon or,
even better a sex toy party. Get your girlfriends
together and put on a little raunchy attitude. Get in
the right frame of mind as far as men go and what
they are good for. Take emotions out of the game
and work toward learning how to use them and
loose them!
Day Fourteen; make a list of the top 10 "must
haves," of your next boyfriend. Things like financial
viability, the ability to slap a noun and a verb
151

together and come up with a sentence, big hands


and feet, a vacation home in the islands. It doesn't
matter which islands, any old island will do. Just
make sure he is worth your time and effort the next
time around.
I'm sure you are getting the idea aren't you? I will
leave you to fill out the rest of your journal on your
own. Be sure to be creative and don't ever forget
what an exotic, fabulous woman you are and before
long you will find yourself back in the swing of
things. In no time at all he will not only be out of
your life, but out of your heart as well.
HOW TO GET OVER A BREAK UP
Falling passionately in love with someone is one of
the most exhilarating feelings, as if you had wings
and you are flying high in the sky, feeling the wind
romantically blowing through your hair. And
usually, when love ends, it feels as if youve been
dropped like a rock in mid-air. You scramble to
grab a hold of something anything, as you
witness your body falling at great speeds, and then
shattering on the earth below.
Whether were talking about breakups, or facing the
reality of a one-sided romance, it is painful. So
much so that it disrupts our normal flow of
experiences, causing us to not function normally.

152

With so much emotion invested and our identities


tied in with these experiences, its no wonder that
this is the number one topic requested by readers.
Over the past year, I have regularly received email
from readers sharing their own takes on painful
breakups; tales of guilt, of fear, of regret, and of
resentment. Although the stories were different, the
underlying message was universal and one in the
same, I am in so much pain from not being with
this person what can I do?
Sometimes, the pain of lost love is so intense that it
can shake our beliefs about romance and
relationships. When these emotional bruises are not
understood and have not healed properly, they
become invisible baggage that drag with us into the
next relationship. This article focuses on the healing
process from love lost.
I categorize myself as a very passionate and
emotional person. I cry easily at movies and at the
sight of passers-by with physical disabilities. When
I love, I give it my all, and when it ends, the pain of
feeling abandoned can become overwhelmingly
and cripplingly intense.
In fact, my journey into personal growth began
when I was confronted by a painful breakup five
years ago. Out of despair, I had picked up a copy of
the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People the
only personal development book I had heard of, at
the time. Although I would recommend a different
153

book now for similar circumstances, at the time, this


book introduced me to new concepts that helped
me make sense of my emotions, and I was hungry
for more.
Over the next few years, it was through dealing
with recurring relationship issues that I experienced
several rewarding revelations and was able to
trigger several major growth spurts in my own selfimprovement. While these emotionally-infused
episodes of love lost might have seemed
unbearably painful at the time of happening, they
were also the catalyst for personal growth, and
played a critical role in my becoming a more
wholesome and complete person.
The Origins of Love and Pain
Before diving into the practical how-to of healing,
lets first look at what love is, where it comes from,
and why we experience so much pain when it ends.
I believe that love is a universal energy infused in
all forms of life. It is something that lies within the
core of every one of us. When we are in a state of
conscious awareness, the intense feeling of love and
connectedness is clear and undeniable. When we
are in this state of clarity and inner peace, our
thoughts and actions are based in love and truth.
Within the depths of our souls, we are all connected
by this unifying and essential energy of life love.
154

We occasionally experience glimpses of this deep


connection through various and accidental
happenstances, such as:
A gratifying and intimate conversation with
another person. Sharing and expressing your
thoughts honestly and openly.
Creative expressions such as playing music,
writing, drawing, dancing, cooking, designing or
even computer programming.
Meditation, prayers or communing with your
chosen religious group.
Communing with nature during a hike, a walk or
while sitting by the bed of a river flowing
beautifully in front of you.
During sexual orgasm (The Dalai Lama has written
about this.)
When we fall in love with another person, we are
essentially experiencing the love that was within us
all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror
reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we cant
fall in love, because we are already made of love.
The other person, much like a musical instrument,
is the catalyst allowing us to recognize the beauty
thats already within us.

155

Because of our lack of understanding that love


resides within us, and that we actually have the
power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the
other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so
strong and extraordinary, that we become addictive
and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it
fixed, so that we can at last keep this heightened
feeling forever.
The desire and dependency to keep this form fixed,
becomes a source of self identification that
artificially justifies who we are as physical beings.
We become attached to the fixed idea of how our
relationship should go and our ego quickly
becomes the main investor in this fund of a
relationship.
The truth is that, everyone and everything is in a
constant flow of change. The changes in us and in
our external circumstances are inevitable and
undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our
relationships change not just romantic ones, but
also friendships, family ties, and our relationships
with co-workers.
Over time, some relationships strengthen and some
grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesnt
mean that either one of them was a bad person, but
rather that theyve learned all that they needed to
from the other person, and that its time to move on.
156

When its time to move on, we hold onto this


invisible box that contains an idealized and fixated
form of how things should be. We unconsciously
and instinctively fall into the false believe that we
must stop the love when we are no longer
romantically involved. Because we attribute love as
being to this other person external to us, pain
happens when we forcefully try to kill the love,
which is actually within us.
Lets repeat: Pain happens when we forcefully kill
the love thats within us.
When we forcefully try to kill the love within us, it
physically feels as if someone has stabbed a knife
into our heart, and a sharp pain surfaces in our
chest area. In reality, we are that someone doing the
stabbing, because we are trying to sever our innate
connection to love and our Soul is now bleeding.
Our Soul is crying for help, asking us to stop the
stabbing, to stop the pain.
A Love Affair & Emotional Freedom
When it comes to love,
You need not fall but rather surrender,
Surrender to the idea that you must love yourself
Before you can love another.
You must absolutely trust yourself
Before you can absolutely trust another
And most importantly you must accept your flaws
Before you can accept the flaws of another.
- Philosophy: Falling in Love

157

My preferred suggestion to healing from love lost is


the same as the one for finding love: to love
yourself, first.
In previous relationships, we probably depended
on our partners to make us happy, to make us feel
special, to make us whole and complete. Our selfworth may have been wrapped up in how much
attention our partner gave us. This is a lose-lose
formula that works against our personal happiness,
because it relies heavily on external circumstances
beyond our control and is not sustainable in the
long term. Truth is, nothing external to us can give
us the security we need. Only we can give that to
ourselves, by loving and accepting ourselves
completely. By learning to love and appreciate
ourselves, not only do we free ourselves from the
chains that keep us in pain when a relationship
ends, it also makes us more attractive to the outside
world. Even when you dont explicitly speak about
it, something in the grace of your movement will
spread that message to others, like a summer breeze
softly blowing the scent of a flower to neighboring
plants.

158

CHAPTER NINE

HOW MEN CAN GET OVER BREAKUPS


IN A RELATIONSHIP
Why does it always seem like women mourn
relationships for weeks while men just pick
themselves up, brush themselves off and move on?
Well, it turns out that's not the case after all. In fact,
when it comes to breaking up, men get just as bent
out of shape as we do. So check out this article from
AskMen.com for the secrets of male post-breakup
behavior. And while you're at it, use these timetested guy tricks to get over your own heartbreak
faster!
Your sweetie ended it, that heartless girl. Now your
future is in shambles. You feel the need to panic and
beg for her back. You'll do anything to make things
right. But no matter how you try, you can't get back
to that little spot of sunlight where you were so
comfortable and safe. There's only one thing left for
you to do: Forget her. I know it's not as easy as it
sounds, but with this blueprint, you'll forget that
girl and pick up the pieces of your shattered heart
and manhood in no time.

definitely don't go out of your way for her. She no


longer deserves preferential treatment.
2. Get closure
It's essential to definitively end any hopes of
reconciliation between the two of you. And if you
can't get that into your head, she owes you the
courtesy of conveying it crystal clear. She needs to
tell you: "I never loved you. I don't love you now.
We'll never get back together." After some
prodding, she'll probably do it, just to get rid of
you. It provides what therapists call "closure." And
you can begin to heal.
3. Don't contact her
After the relationship reaches finality, you have to
break off contact or you will go mad. Don't beg or
cry. Don't drunk-dial. Don't write her email. Don't
send packages or CDs. Don't dedicate a song to her
on the radio. Get the picture? She will find you if
she wants to. And even if you can talk your way
back into her arms, it's only a temporary reprieve.
She already knows you want her back, and she
doesn't care. Take that as a sign.

1. Take her off that pedestal


Don't idolize her and build her up into something
great. Don't gaze lovingly at pictures of her. Don't
jump to answer her email or phone calls. And

4. Get negative feelings out on paper


Write her a letter pouring out your negative and
weepy feelings, then disassociate them from
yourself. Throw the letter away or burn it. But
definitely don't send it to her. You will only regret

159

160

it. She will show her friends and her new boyfriend.
And they will all share a good laugh.
5. Avoid her friends and the places she hangs
Don't venture into her territory. You won't be
welcome. Find new places to hang out for the first
few months, and make new friends if necessary. If
any of your friends insist on maintaining contact
with her, you may have to shut them out too at
least temporarily. After some time has passed, you
should go back to living normally, and that means
hanging out at these places and reconnecting with
mutual friends.
6. Throw away anything that reminds you of her
You don't have to burn it all, but definitely get
pictures, gifts, clothing, letters and email out of
your living area, or at least out of your line of
vision. If that means giving away roughly half of
your wardrobe to get rid of the memory of her, so
be it. As a rule of thumb, if the object reminds you
of your ex, discard it. This can save your sanity.
7. Don't try to get your stuff back
Unless it's a diamond ring or something that's one
of a kind, you're better off not contacting her to get
it back. DVDs, clothes, your extra toothbrush... just
let 'em go. They're only possessions. Is it really
worth the pain of being in her presence just to
reclaim a pair of boxer shorts? Don't exchange your
dignity for menial belongings.
161

8. Hang out with your friends


Let your buddies give you a reality check on how
your ex wasn't all that to begin with, and that there
are more fish in the sea. A little male camaraderie
can go a long way toward getting your head
straight. We've all been detonated by a woman
before, and most of us will likely get detonated
again.
9. Exercise your newfound freedom
Freedom is always intoxicating. There's a world of
activities you can partake in that you were never
able to enjoy because your "other half" didn't
approve. So indulge. Travel. Build a model ship. Go
hiking. Play video games on your computer. Watch
TV all weekend. Do anything you want. Why not
start boxing? Ideally, you want to find an activity
that allows you to release your anger and alleviate
stress.
10. Remember the bad times
If you feel nostalgic, then think of all the times you
fought. That should do it. Remember the time she
made you wait by the dressing room as she
endlessly tried on clothing? Or the time she
reminded you not to drink too much in front of
your posse? Nobody wants that back.

162

11. Sleep with another girl


Nothing reminds you that you are a man quite like
having a new woman in your bed. So take solace in
the arms of another. Call it a rebound if you wish.
Plenty of heartbroken guys go this route and for a
very good reason it makes you feel better, even if
it's only temporary. So go out there and feel better
about yourself!
Bonus: Seduce somebody she's jealous of
Remember the hairstylist or the hot barmaid your
ex scolded you for looking at? Well, now's your
chance to make a move that will pay off in more
ways than just sex. Just think, if your ex finds out
you've been fishing in familiar waters, it will drive
her to the point of hysteria. This can be quite
gratifying.
Banish her from your mind
Getting the woman of your past out of your present
is a mental and emotional challenge of the first
order. However, the tried-and-true guidelines
above should have your heart mended in no time.
Theres a reason why we all think men are immune
to the post-relationship slumpthey are really,
really good at hiding it.

very in love with Jill (Ive changed names here to


protect the guilty). How in love? Our song was
Beyoncs Crazy in Love, because we were so
crazy in love. (Shut up, it was adorable at the time.)
After she broke up with me, I was explaining this to
a friend at a bar when I had to grit my teeth and
excuse myself. After I got home, I pulled the
curtains shut and blared a heavy-metal album. Then
I cried. It made me feel better, but only because I
knew that my hot, manly, motor-oil tears were
witnessed by no one.
Fighting Inanimate Objects
Guys often try to work through the pain of a broken
heart by replacing it with the much more easily
endured pain of bloody knuckles. I once had a
meathead roommate who, after being ditched by a
Keira Knightley look-alike, continuallyand
noisilywailed on a punching bag hed put up in
our apartment. I have the soft hands of a writer, so I
recovered from one particularly nasty breakup by
living inside the game Grand Theft Auto IV for
three weeks. I crashed cars and shot anyone who
looked at me funny. Weird? Maybe. But it helped
me vent chaotic emotions that I didnt know how to
process any other way.

Fighting Back Tears


Some men like to say they never cry. Well, heres
the truth: We never let anyone see us crying. I was

Fighting to Win Her Back


When a guy realizes hes let something special slip
through his fingersit generally happens the first
Friday night he has no planshe tries to fix it. He

163

164

fails to see, however, that relationships arent


broken door hinges. When Nicole dumped me, I
was initially proud that Id taken the news stoically,
like a ninja. But then, after a couple of beers on my
first lonely night, it dawned on me that I hadnt put
up enough of a fight. After a few more beers, I
drunk-dialed her. I begged, I rationalized, I
promised to fix the things that were wrong with me
and with useven though I couldnt really tell her
what those things were. When it became clear she
wasnt going to take me back, I told her I had one
more question. Her response? No, she would not
sleep with me one last time. I was far from over her,
but her rejection finally got me thinking about the
new chicks I was going to hook up with.
GETTING OVER A RELATIONSHIP BREAK UP
For a full guide to completely get over your break
up and reset your relationship with the person you
love, I highly recommend you read this.
Our relationships are the connection we have with
people and so it often determines how happy or
sweet our lives are. Just like the great fruit a
lemon can be when it compliments other
ingredients even when it might not be great with
others, so is our relationships filled with the greats,
the inevitable negatives, and ultimately despised
break up.

165

Did you know psychologists concur that having a


relationship break up is like going through grief?
Contrasting grieving and getting over a break up,
you can probably see why. In both cases you lose
someone you loved and youre unwilling to
psychologically let them go. By using similar
principles to grieving for someone, you can get over
a relationship breakup.
Break Ups Happen
As with death, break ups are a part of relationships
and life. Death is inevitable. Break ups are
inevitable. Acknowledge relationships end all the
time. As simple as that statement appears, do not
mistake simplicity for power. Our egos blow
personal problems out of perspective causing us to
think what is common in the world is unique for us.
We think an ending relationship will be the end of
our well-being. However, if you talk to a friend
about getting over his or her relationship break up,
you wont have this ego problem and you will be
able to see from a healthy perspective that break
ups happen.
You wouldnt have been able to experience the
wonderful feelings you had with your most recent
partner if you hadnt broken up with someone
before. The same can be said for your future
partner. You wont be able to experience the
wonderful times and emotions with them if you
166

dont get over your broken relationship. It is as


simple as that.
TYPES OF BREAK UPS
Not every break up is the same. Some create intense
emotions of sadness, depression, and anger while
others can be a complete relief. I categorize
relationship break ups into three groups:
You chose to break up this type of break up is the
easiest and will give you fewest troubles. Often the
decision will make you happier than being in the
relationship.
The other person chose to break up the hardest
type of break up to deal with is the other person
deciding to break up with you and is the main focus
in this article.
Mutual break up the two of you have talked the
process through and concluded splitting up is the
best option. The rarest type of break up where each
individual often cares how the other person they
are leaving feels about the decision. Reasoning,
openness, and future plans are common.
Coming to terms with breaking up and knowing
which type it is will initiate you being able to get
over your relationship break up. However, it isnt
that clear-cut. You can often undergo a painfully
recurrent uncertainty when splitting up where you
167

wonder if the two of you are actually apart. This


leads us onto the golden rule of getting over
someone.
THE GOLDEN RULE OF MOVING ON
Having truly realized that break ups happen and
more importantly that they will happen to you, it is
time to tell yourself the golden rule of getting over a
break up. Affirm and reaffirm to yourself, and
internalize the belief, that you want to get over the
person you are breaking up with. Why is this
important? Lets put it this way. How often have
you seen someone want to get over a break up yet
they are resistant to actually breaking up with the
person? It happens too often.
What is even worse than being resistant to getting
over the person, yet wanting to not get over them, is
not being aware of the mental tug-o-war game. The
internal conflict within yourself will leave you
frustrated and not in control of your thoughts and
emotions. Youll be uncertain of getting back
together with your old partner while being
unwilling to move on and enjoy your life by
yourself or with another partner. By wanting both
lifestyles you will achieve neither. Commit to a
decision.
If you have a choice of flying to one of Paris or
Sydney, and you hesitate because you want to visit
168

both cities while not wanting to miss the other,


youll never make a decision. Youll miss out on
visiting either city. Theres a Russian proverb that
says, If you chase two rabbits, you will not catch
either one. By not being 100% clear with what you
want (this goes for every other goal in life), you will
achieve neither and remain frustrated. You become
uncertain of yourself because you never critically
think and investigate your feelings and thoughts to
know your true desire.
You have to be certain of yourself and know what
you want. Dont destroy the golden rule. Ask
yourself questions and be fully aware of what is
making you resistant to emotionally releasing
yourself from the person. You can ask yourself
questions like, What makes me still attracted to the
person?, Why cant I get over him/her?, and
What do I like about the person? to develop an
understanding of yourself. Discover what is causing
you the emotional pain. I cannot emphasize that
enough.
Ask yourself other questions that help clarify your
emotions and thoughts. Clarity will form a direction
you will head towards in your life. It will tell you
where not to go. It will show you want you want.
You will no longer have second thoughts and be
uncertain of what you want. By clearly defining a
destination you are able to map out a path as to
how you will arrive there. Conduct an
169

investigation making it your goal to discover as


much about yourself as possible. Gather as much
information about yourself from self-talk and other
people to solve the crime.
People are unconscious of their emotional
awareness in a break up and never know why they
are experiencing pain. You will never get a solution
if you do not know the problem. To additionally
help you overcome this problem, I recommend you
check out an article I have written titled 1.
Principle
of
Influence:
Commitment
and
Consistency and youll discover a powerful
influence that makes you stay in an unhappy
relationship.
YOU CAN DECIDE WHAT IS RIGHT
Maybe you are still uncertain of whether you
should break up. There are simple actions you can
take to see whether a break up is the better option.
Dont worry about going to university and studying
a degree in psychology to have to understand when
you are in a bad relationship. There are clues that
you are probably already aware of that are hinting
your relationship is more like a lemon than
lemonade. Ask yourself these practical questions:

170

Are you and the other person feeling the same


emotions as you were at the start of your
relationship?
Do the two of you share the same important values
like religious beliefs?
How often do you communicate to one another?
When you do communicate, what things do you
talk about?
Do you enjoy being together?
Do you perceive being single in a better light than
being in a relationship?
What causes the two of you to fight? Little things
that show hostility or big problems like an affair?
Do you have a fear of hurting the person? Why are
you putting yourself through misery in not wanting
to hurt the person?
Are you in the relationship because of guilt or love?
Ask other people what they see and think about
your relationship with the person. Take their
opinions into account to help you decide what you
want. However, dont base your decision solely on
what they think as the most important factor is how
you feel.
Most women live in bad relationships because they
would rather avoid being alone. They see married
couples and envy their relationship. The thoughts
about getting back together or just finding any guy
then start racing through their mind. It isnt
unusual at all for the woman to reason that being in
171

a bad relationship is more desirable than being


alone. Some women unknowingly feel comforted in
awful relationships. This is a blinding and
dangerous process for a womans well-being.
Are you using the excuse that youre feeling of
love is keeping you from breaking up? Love is an
intoxicating emotion. It is blinding. Even if you
think you still love the person, ask yourself the
many questions above. The questions act as
objective judges to the situation; contrasted to your
subjective emotion of love that intoxicates your
understanding of the situation.
Love is an intoxicating emotion. It is blinding It is
not a relationship. It is an emotion.
Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) teaches that
people often fail to distinguish between their
different emotions. For example, excitement can be
misunderstood as fear. How do you know that it is
love you feel? Does your answers to the above
questions sound like love to you? What specific
events tell you that what you are experience with
one person is love? What physical responses do you
have which let you know that what you experience
with another person isnt love? Asking yourself
these questions will make it crystal clear whether
you really do experience love.
Even if you are sure you love the other person
(remembering to be thinking objectively about this
with the questions asked), love alone isnt a good
172

indicator of a good relationship. Love is not a


relationship. It is an emotion. Dont become
intoxicated by affection, attraction, or love.
Remember that relationships can be repaired of
course so dont conclude that you should break up
just because things are sour at the moment. If you
still have a relationship with this person where you
can communicate, talk things over with your
partner in a safe environment. Though if you are
certain the relationship is over, asking these
questions will help reinforce your thoughts to fight
away what ifs and maybes that you may have
about getting back into the relationship. Though
you may know something has ended, you will most
likely still need thoughts to reinforce that it has in
fact ended.
EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE HOLDING YOU BACK

It can be easy to carry emotional baggage from one


relationship to the next. Emotional baggage occurs
when you carry your emotions from one
relationship to another much like you would carry a
backpack while traveling from one destination to
another. The damage you received from one person,
you hold it against the other and prevent a
potentially deep interpersonal relationship from
starting. You carry it around because you fail to let
go or you fear of being hurt again.
By protecting yourself, you forgo the risk of being
hurt again and miss out on amazing happiness with
173

your partner. People are in relationships all the time


where they protect themselves by holding back
communication and experiencing full potential
emotions. They say things like I dont want to get
hurt again, Im still hurting, or Im not over it.
They withhold their full emotional selves and
communication
from
the
relationship
to
emotionally protect oneself. By protecting yourself,
you forgo the risk of being hurt again and miss out
on amazing happiness with your partner.
There is no denying that you can get damaged
when putting trust in someone or a situation, yet by
holding back you are missing out on reaping the
joyful rewards of an intimate relationship. You do
not have to quickly dive into the relationship.
Few relationships consist of quickly developed
deep emotions. You can dip your toes into the
relationship and gradually but surely fully immerse
yourself. Overcome issues like managing stress in a
divorce and begin dropping your emotional
baggage onto the ground. Doing so will ensure you
experience full intimacy that otherwise would not
have been achievable by carrying emotional
baggage around.
LEARN FROM IT
Im a firm believer in that every person can learn a
lesson from almost every person and situation. The
same goes for experiencing a relationship break up.
174

You can learn vital lessons and experience personal


growth instead of personal decay.
Your main goal in relationships is finding your
perfect partner. One who you can share love, feel
connected, and be one. You cannot achieve this by
carrying around emotional baggage as described
before and not learning from your mistakes. Does it
make sense to learn from a break up so you can
progress forward finding your ultimate partner
instead of the old relationship being a complete
waste of time, intense emotions, and energy?
Of course it does!
However, it is easier said than done. Instead of
looking for the positive in breaking up, it can be
extremely easy to find the negative to strengthen
your negative beliefs and not move on becoming
smarter and stronger for future relationships. Little
negative things you pick up can snowball into huge
problems. This mindset is extremely damaging
causing a chain reaction of negative building from
the negative until you are fully emotionally
unavailable in relationships. What happens here is
you become extremely negative and see no positive.
You see problems and not opportunities. (EDIT:
take a look at all the negativity people are focused
on in the comments below. See how people are
focused on the problem? You dont want this.)

175

In learning from your experience I recommend you


take responsibility for what occurred. In many
break ups, each person blames the other. No one
person is often mutually agreed upon to have
caused the split. There are lots of circumstances
where this hasnt been true, but be honest with
yourself and learn from your past mistakes and
problems. Take responsibility and do not play the
blame game.
I can almost guarantee that you did something
seriously wrong in the relationship which
contributed to the break up. Its just that maybe you
are not aware of what occurred because you lack
the knowledge to know what went on. Maybe you
didnt know how attraction works, you didnt
effectively listen to your partner, or you didnt have
the assertive skills to address a problem that was
concerning you. Can you now see the powerful role
you may have played in the break up?
It is important that you know getting over a break
up is more than just moving on. It is learning from
your past for a better future by accepting
responsibility for what occurred. Look at the
situation as a learning experience in your journey
towards finding your ultimate partner.

176

EXPRESS IT
Once youve recognized the break up is inevitable
or has occurred, use the techniques explained
earlier in addition to the ones below to get over the
break up. There are many things you can do to get
over a relationship break up but one of the most
important things you can do is to have a support
group. If its not expressed, its repressed.
For most girls this will come easy but for guys itll
be difficult as society makes you think youre not
macho enough if you express your emotions. Girls
can communicate to their closest friends and talk to
their parents or brothers and sisters provided these
support people are willing to listen and help you
get through this difficult time. The people closest to
you are the ones who care for your well-being and
by letting them know you need them to just listen to
you about your break up, they will be more willing
to absorb the pain you are feeling. Let them know
you are only after a listening ear to avoid having
them turn into an amateur psychologist by giving
you advice. You want a support group or person for
expressing yourself and your emotions and not for
relationship advice.
As for guys, you can use the same principles, but
chances are you will not want to talk to your guy
friends about the break up. Remember that if its
not expressed, its repressed. You need to have a
177

support group or at least a support person. You will


find that accepting your emotions and expressing
them will allow you to heal. (If you are a guy, and
simply want to get your girlfriend back, there is a
good guide here.)
HOW TO MOVE ON FROM PAIN
At this stage, weve clearly defined what you do,
and do not, want because a broken relationship can
be very confusing. Youve also learned about love,
carrying around emotional baggage, learning from
the past, and expressing your pain. If youre not up
to this stage, go back and read the beginnings of
this article.
Naomi Eisenberger, a University of California
neuroscientist, discovered that the feeling of
rejection which occurs during a break up switches
on the same part of the brain as physical pain. The
anterior cingulate receives an intense boost in
activity. This is why the other person breaking up
with you can be very painful. Someone punching
you in the nose is as threatening, according to your
brain, as being rejected in a break up.
Someone punching you in the nose is as
threatening, according to your brain, as being
rejected in a break up.
The physical pain you experience can be cured by a
doctor. However, does a doctor actually heal your
178

wounds? No. The doctor helps your body get into a


state of healing so it can heal itself.
The pain you experience from the past is
irreversible. There is nothing you can do about it.
You need to put your mind and body into a state
that allows it to heal itself emotionally. One way to
achieve this is time, but Im sure you dont want to
waste ten years of your life living in pain.
Another option is seeing a therapist. Should you
choose a therapist? Its up to you. All therapy works
for different people in different situations. Even no
therapy is therapy because time itself is therapeutic.
Before you do decide on spending thousands of
dollars on someone who will listen to your
problems, I want you to do this exercise. The
exercise Im about to share with you is powerful
because it doesnt change the content of your
experience. Your experience has happened and you
cant change it. What the exercise does change is the
process. The exercise changes the attributions you
make to the past and future.

how you feel. After youve done that, move the


image in the opposite direction. Take your time
doing the exercise. Gradually make the pleasant
image smaller, dimer, unclear, and distant from
you. Again, as the image changes, notice how you
feel this time.
Once youve done that little exercise, how did you
feel when the image become brighter and increased
in size? How did you feel when the image become
smaller, dim, and further from you? Most people
experience intense emotions when they see a bright
and large image. On the contrary, they also
experience little emotion when they see a small,
dim, and distant image. You can probably see how
this is playing out for you in moving on from pain.
If you make unpleasant images large, bright, and up
close, while making pleasant images small, dim,
and distant, you will be an expert at feeling
miserable! On the other hand, if you make pleasant
images large, bright, and up close, while making
unpleasant images small, dim, and distant, you will
be an expert at feeling happy!

Think of a pleasant experience you have had in the


past or imagine a pleasant experience you would
like to have in the future. See the image. As you see
the image, make it larger. Make the image bigger,
brighter, and clearer. Take your time as you see the
image increase in size. As the image changes, notice

Apply this very concept to your relationships. Your


unpleasant images are the break up movies you
continually play in your mind, while your pleasant
images are whatever you see as pleasurable to you.
Shrink the unpleasant images and see the images
going away from you. Next, having constructed
your beliefs and defining clarity for you pleasant

179

180

image, intensify what you want. Awaken your


inner desire by constantly feeling, thinking, seeing,
and even touching and smelling what your goal
will be like. Imagine yourself with a big smile. Feel
the joy within yourself. Think how great it will be to
have gotten over your break up. See yourself
touching your surroundings.
The premise of the law of attraction works by living
your present as if it were your desired future.
Acting as if attracts the thoughts, feelings, and
experiences you desire. You will be able to get over
your relationship much faster by intensely
imagining what your five senses will be like having
achieved that goal. Again, I recommend you apply
this technique to as many areas of your life as
possible. You will greatly increase your success by
vividly experiencing what you want.
SOURCE OF ENERGY
Unfortunately for many people, their relationship
with a partner is what exactly determines how
happy their life is at the present moment. If their
relationship is sour, then so is the individual. It is
almost a codependency trap. This neediness
eventually deteriorates the relationship and scares
away their partner. Many individuals have a
mediocre life such that they desperately need a
partner. The person isnt bursting with pure joy and
happiness when theyre single and thinks a good
181

relationship is what will make them happy and


solve their problems. If a person goes into a
relationship like this, he or she will destroy it.
If you dont have a great single life where you
wonder how to fit a relationship in, then I question
whether you should be in a relationship. You need
to become your own source of energy and be in
control of your emotions instead of being
dependent on others for things like comfort,
happiness, and emotional security. This view is the
opposite perspective to a time-consuming,
miserable, and codependent relationship.
Youve broken up and I cannot emphasize enough
how important it is to make a big change in your
life. For you, it could be working harder to get a
promotion, exercising, reading self help books,
taking a new course, socializing, or going out with
friends more. You need to take the action to create a
single life where you are happily busy and question
whether you want a relationship with someone. I
guarantee you that having such a great single life is
what will attract a future partner for you.
I honestly believe a break up can be one of the
greatest things to happen to a person depending on
where they are in their life. I say this because you
will have poor communication or relationship skills
in various areas and improving in them allows you
to have more fulfilling future relationships. Like I
182

said earlier, learn from the break up. If splitting up


encourages you to undergo a lot of self help, then
the changes in your life will be amazing. When life
throws you a lemon with a bad relationship, do not
try and divulge the lemon. Instead, look at the
lemon from a different perspective and see that you
can make lemonade. As with bad relationships,
yours and the other persons emotions seem awful
and bitter, but by using these techniques you can
now look at a break up from a different perspective
and move on with your life continuing your search
for that perfect partner.

CHAPTER TEN

HOW WOMEN CAN GET OVER


BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP
GET OVER HIM: EIGHT TIPS FOR SURVIVING
A BREAKUP
"I find myself missing him less each day and I find that the
days are passing much more quickly. Am I over him? I doubt
it, but I'm on the right track."

Whether you were dating for a few months, in a


long-term relationship or married, breaking up is
hard to do. The good news is that life does get
better. Eventually, you will be able to get out of
your robe, lose the boxes of Kleenex and watch
reruns of Mad About You without breaking down
in tears. Many of our members know exactly how
you feel right now. Read their tips on getting over
him and getting on with your life.
1. Get it all out
"Cry, scream and feel sorry for yourself. Wallow in
self-pity. However, one day while you are
wallowing you will suddenly say, 'Hey I don't feel
like wallowing anymore today. I feel better.' And
the next day you will feel better and each day after
that you will feel even better. Soon, something
amazing happens, you rediscover your smile and
actually laugh at who you were back then.

183

184

Suddenly you are thankful for what the experience


taught you."
2. Focus on today
Take things one step at a time, one day at a time. If
you start looking toward or thinking about next
week, next month or next year, you'll feel
overwhelmed. Don't look at the broad a picture yet,
temporarily limit your view, so to speak."
3. Think positively
"If you think you are beaten. You are. If you think
you dare not. You don't. Success begins with your
own will. It's all in your state of mind. Life's battles
are not always won by those who are stronger or
faster. Sooner or later the person who wins is the
person who thinks he can!"
4. Don't Stay Bitter
"Not all women and men are the same. After my
divorce, I became extremely bitter and angry. I did
not trust anyone, particularly women. I isolated
myself from everyone. Hey why not, no contact
equals no pain or hurt, right? Let me tell you
something, when you isolate yourself, you create an
island. But in the end islands sink. Being bitter is
normal -- it's simply a stage you are going to go
through. But move past it quickly." --larry566

185

5. Don't Lose Faith in People


"Stick to your guns and try to find joy in every facet
of your day and things will get better. It's important
not to lose faith in other human beings. Everyone
has at least one good quality. Maximize the good
and most importantly, be strong!"--seejay89
6. Have No Fear
"Don't let your fears cripple you. Most of the time
what we fear never comes to pass. Many times our
fears are exaggerated. The more we worry, the
bigger and the worse the fear or hurdle seems."
7. Do Something New
"Slowly get involved in something new; whether it
be a new job, volunteer work, a cool class like
photography or kayaking or something along those
lines. By keeping busy and focusing on making
yourself feel good as an independent being, the
healing process will be a healthy process."
8. Find some words of wisdom -- and live by them
"A great piece was posted here on the Breaking Up
is Hard to Do board a while ago. I kept it, and read
it every morning when I sit at my desk. The first
line is, 'Promise yourself to be so strong that
nothing can disturb you.' For me, that has worked!
Reading a simple little piece someone posted has
made such a great impact on how I view it all. It
does get better, and within a couple of weeks, the
hurt goes away. "
186

TEN WAYS TO GET OVER A BREAKUP OR


PAST RELATIONSHIP
So many people ask me how to get over a breakup.
They want to know how to stop obsessing over the
ex-boyfriend or lover and get on with their life. This
topic seems to be the most asked question in my
work. Here are some easy tips to help you get over
the one that broke your heart so that you can move
on, date again and find true love.
1. First, take him/her out of your cell phone
directory.
Each time you pass his/her name when reviewing
your contacts you will feel that pang of upset. Why
put yourself through such agony? Remove any
reminders of him or her in your home, car and
workplace.
2. Stop telling your sad story of the breakup.
Sure people want to help and give advice, but after
a month you should be refraining from talking
about your ex. Some talk about their ex as a way to
feel close to them. As you disconnect from the pain
of the romance, you can more easily move on to a
better relationship.
3. Make a list of all his/her bad qualities.
Okay, this may sound mean so you do not have to
be awful about it. Think about the things you did
not have in common. You want to convince your
187

subconscious mind that he/she was not right for


you anyway. Our mind tends to over-exaggerate
how good things were in the past so this exercise
will snap you out of those romantic delusions.
4. No more drive-bys.
Stop making excuses to drive past his/her home or
work or favorite hangout to see if the car is there or
to catch a glimpse of your old flame. This behavior
will keep you stuck and also destroy your selfconfidence.
5. Come up with a mantra to say to yourself when
you start thinking about your ex or begin to feel
sad over the breakup.
For example, "I deserve someone that completely
loves and adores me." Just like quitting a bad habit,
a good positive mantra can be the antidote to
redirect your mind into a more fulfilling romantic
future.
6. Stop blaming yourself.
If you are wondering if there was something you
could have done to change your destiny, think
again. When someone completely loves you, you
are free to make mistakes. If there was enough
substance, the person should be fighting to keep
you in their life. If not, they are not meant for you.

188

7. Start hanging around new people.


If your social group is connected with your ex, try
to expand your circles outside of that environment.
Changing up your life will help you have new
positive experiences without the baggage from the
past.
8. Build your confidence.
The reason he/she broke up with you is not about
you. The best way to get over a relationship is to
increase your self-love so that you know that you
deserve so much more than what you ex had to
offer you. Using self-hypnosis is a great way to
retrain your mind to love and accept yourself.
Embracing your true lovable self will make you
more attractive to the opposite sex.
9. Make a list of what you want in a relationship.
You may have attracted the last person by default.
Setting an intention to consciously attract someone
who is a better fit is very powerful. You will find
the person you design in your mind may be much
different than your ex-love.
10. Visualize yourself happy.
Spend at least ten minutes every day visualizing
yourself happy in love with someone new. This
may not be easy at first and might bring up some
tears, but keep practicing this technique. Over time
you will find this gives you a sense of inner peace

189

and builds hope that you will find the love you
truly deserve.
ARE YOU BROKEN HEARTED?
Do you need to know how to fix a broken heart?
How to Get Over a Break Up? is the number one
question I get asked all the time. If you are suffering
from a broken heart and feel like your heartbreak is
more painful than you can deal with youre in the
right place. Right now you probably think that no
one else could possibly understand the pain youre
in but its my hope that youll read this page and
realise you are not alone.
Ways to Deal with a Break Up
What can I say? Getting over a broken heart ranks
right up there in the list of top 3 most painful
relationship experiences. Its never easy when a
significant relationship finally comes to an end.
Whatever the reason for the separation whether
you wanted it or not dealing with the pain of
break up after a long-term, committed relationship
can turn your world upside down and leave your
life in total turmoil. Its likely to trigger all sorts of
painful and unsettling feelings but there are a
number of things you can do to get through this
difficult time. If you want some practical advice
and techniques to help you with how to heal or
mend a broken heart you can get access and
answers in moments.
190

I recognise that the most difficult time to take action


is when youre heart is broken. Each step is painful
and can feel like an immense effort. I know that not
everybody is in the fortunate position to get
individual coaching so I designed the How to Get
Over a Break Up program. This takes you through
each step at your own pace with exercises and
resources to get you feeling better and mend your
broken heart as quickly as possible. If you havent
done so already download the How to Get Over a
Break Up FREE Chapter by just filling in your
name and email above.

Although the causes may be different, the feeling of


loss is the same whether it's the loss of something
real or the loss of something you only hoped for.
People describe heartbreak as a feeling of heaviness,
emptiness, and sadness.

If you've just had a break-up and are feeling down,


you're not alone. Just about everyone experiences a
break-up at some point, and many then have to deal
with heartbreak a wave of grief, anger,
confusion, low self-esteem, and maybe even
jealousy all at once.

Here are some tips that might help.

Millions of poems and songs have been written


about having a broken heart and wars have even
been fought because of heartbreak.
What Exactly Is Heartbreak?
Lots of things can cause heartbreak. Some people
might have had a romantic relationship that ended
before they were ready. Others might have strong
feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same
way. Or maybe a person feels sad or angry when a
close friend ends or abandons the friendship.
191

How Can I Deal With How I Feel?


Most people will tell you you'll get over it or you'll
meet someone else, but when it's happening to you,
it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt
the same way. If you're experiencing these feelings,
there are things you can do to lessen the pain.

Let It Out
Share your feelings. Some people find that sharing
their feelings with someone they trust someone
who recognizes what they're going through
helps them feel better. That could mean talking over
all the things you feel, even having a good cry on
the shoulder of a comforting friend or family
member. If you feel like someone can't relate to
what you're going through or is dismissive of your
feelings, find someone more sympathetic to talk to.
(OK, we know that sharing feelings can be tough for
guys, but you don't necessarily have to tell the
football team or your wrestling coach what you're
going through. Talk with a friend or family
member, a teacher, or counselor. It might make you
192

more comfortable if you find a female family


member or friend, like an older sister or a neighbor,
to talk to.)
Don't be afraid to cry. Going through a break-up
can be really tough, and getting some of those raw
emotions out can be a big help. We know this is
another tough one for guys, but there's no shame in
crying now and then. No one has to see you do it
you don't have to start blubbering in class or at
soccer practice or anything. Just a find a place
where you can be alone, like crying into your pillow
at night or in the shower when you're getting ready
for the day.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU'RE DEVASTATED
AFTER A BREAKUP
Most of us have experienced the devastation of a
heart-wrenching breakup. Moving on from a
hurtful split can be difficult work, but there are
steps you can take to make the healing begin.
According to Gary Neuman, author of Emotional
Infidelity, these steps can help the process of
healing begin.

eat well, and move. Doing so will get you to the


next stage.
Use Your Time
In bad relationships, we often tend to fall into
patterns of trying to fit into the relationship instead
of considering what our own purpose might be.
Now that you're out of the relationship, use the
time to re-identify and reshape who you are. Use
your emotional energy to ask some of the big
questions: What do you want to be? What do you
want to do? If you don't have an answer, think
about your dreams and talents from childhood.
Those early desires might reawaken something
within!
Give To Others
Do something kind for other people. You might
visit sick children in a hospital or help the homeless.
Remember, as difficult as this time might be, your
life is still valuable. There's a lot of important work
to do, and a lot of people who you can help.

Ask For Help


Now's the time to reach out to your friends and
family. Don't be afraid to depend on others when
you need it. Invite your sister over or take a walk
with a friendjust be sure to get out of the house,

Create New Traditions


Use this time to get closer to the people you love,
especially your children. Even if you need to be sad
with them, you can come together to support each
other. Try to create new traditions (like a regular
movie night or volunteer time) with your family.
Say to yourself, "In a year, I want to look back on

193

194

this time and realize that I was changing my life for


the better."
Educate Yourself Financially
A bad breakup affects emotions, but it also affects
your finances. Go to the library and read books on
managing your money. Feel secure so that you can
create a financial future.
A Final Word
After a bad breakup, it's normal to experience
feelings of sadness, loss, and anger. But if you feel
yourself falling into despair, or you can't function, it
may be time to speak with a counselor, minister,
rabbi, or other trusted person.
SOME TIPS FOR WOMEN TO GETTING OVER
A BREAKUP
Getting over a breakup can be difficult, but it does
not mean that your world has to fall apart. Whether
you initiated the breakup or not you are going to
feel some pain. By taking healthy steps toward
moving forward, you can get over the past. If you
do want to not just get over a breakup, but get your
ex back,
Remember that it is okay to cry.
Its inevitable that you are going to feel sad and
perhaps even angry. Let yourself cry as hard and as
long as you need to. Release the emotions; do not
195

repress them. Its also okay to feel numb, if that


truly how you feel. Just tell yourself that it is okay
to feel whatever you happen to be feeling. You
dont need to change how you feel; just experience
the emotions.
Find a creative outlet.
Look to art and other media to help you. Music can
help you get over a breakup, but many people turn
to television, movies, painting and sketching.
Keeping a journal is one of the best ways to reflect
on a relationship and to move forward.
Talk to somebody you trust.
Make it clear what you need from this person. If
you need a friend to console you, just listen or talk
about your ex, thats completely normal.
Surrounding yourself with people you can be
honest with is essential to making a healthy
recovery.
Give yourself a time limit.
Its appropriate to take as much time as you need,
but dont allow yourself to never move on. Some
people will say that it should take you half as long
of the relationship to get over the breakup, but you
shouldnt listen to what other people say you
should do. Do what feels right.

196

Look back on the relationship and see both the


good and bad.
Relationships are complicated and sometimes
require analysis so that each person can move on
with some new knowledge. Determine the cause of
the breakup and decide how you can prevent the
same situation from arising in future relationships.
Its also a good idea to recall the bad things that
happened in the previous relationship to remind
you why you must get over the breakup. It also
helps you to determine if its the person you miss,
or the idea of being in a relationship. Think about
the relationship, but dont obsess over it.

check out books at the library or take your laptop to


the local coffee shop. Just go out and do things. You
will meet people, get new ideas and realize how
much more there is to living besides relationships.

Put an end to the communication, for a while at


least.
Dont wait by the phone for your ex to call and
dont even text them right away. Delete your exs
phone number and block him or her from texting
you. If you have Facebook, block them from
showing up on your feed. Anything they say has
the potential to hurt you. If you do ever reconcile, it
should be a while down the road. This is just better
for your emotional state. Virtual stalking is actually
harmful, and this separation is essential to moving
on.

Take a vacation.
Go on a trip, either alone or with people you want
to spend time with. Go to a theme park or on an
overnight road trip. Go somewhere new where you
can get a change of scenery.

Go out into the world and do things.


The temptation to stay in bed and do nothing all
day is going to be very seductive. Dont give in.
Spend time with family and friends, go for a jog,
197

Learn to love yourself.


You are going to spend a lot of time with yourself
so you might as well learn to accept it. Just because
you are done with the relationship does not mean
you do not deserve love, but it starts from within.
Consider this a way to change things about the way
you live. This is especially important, considering
that you can die from a broken heart.

Make the decision to have what you want.


Set goals, even if they are small at first, and work
up to a major goal. It can be difficult to decide that
you want to move on to better things but it is also a
necessary step to take.
Find a healthy way to cope with pain.
Dont let the breakup damage your sense of selfworth. If you need to see a therapist, do it. You are
worthy of love, especially from yourself.
198

CHAPTER ELEVEN
1.

TALK ABOUT IT.


Guys, we think, have a tendency to shut down
and hide their feelings. Dont do that. Even if
its only with one or two close friends, tell
somebody how you feel. Because you want to
get over this, right? Thats the first step in the
process. Be grateful for the sympathy that you
receive from friends and family, instead of
trying to hide your pain or acting like youre
being strong.

2.

DONT WALLOW.
Okay, you can wallow, but like, not too much.
You dont want to turn into Joan Cusacks
Lily Taylors character in Say Anything,
writing tortured songs and poems to Stacy or
whatever for forever.

3.

KEEP YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA GAME


TIGHT.
Dont torture yourself with her Facebook,
Twitter, Tumblr, etc. The sooner you
unsubscribe from that stuff, the better. Also, I
recommend deleting the phone number
and/or just keeping it in your email for extra
special occasions.

HOW TO MOVE-ON AFTER A


RELATIONSHIP BREAKUP
ADVICE FOR DUDES ON HOW TO GET OVER
A BREAKUP
So, the other day I was talking with a dude friend of
mine whos going through a breakup. He and I
dated a zillion years ago, and remained good
buddies, and we often go to one another when
were going through current relationship traumas.
Breakups are universally terrible, whether youre a
girl, a dude, or something in between. But if my
dude friend and the anonymous crap dude
blogger over at XOJane are any proof, were given
different messages about how to process our
heartbreak.
Take the crap dude XOJane blogger, for instance,
whose friends seem to be telling him that the best
way to get over his ex is to bang a zillion
anonymous girls. In sum, the most ideal way to heal
your heart is to treat someone elses like crap.
We dont really abide by that. And we think its
about time that we help our boyfriends out by
offering our own tips and tricks for getting over a
breakup. Remember being a jerk begets more
jerkish behavior in the world. And nobody wants
that.
199

200

4.

If youre the one doing the dumping, accept


that shes probably going to hate you for a
little while. This is unavoidable. Doing nice
things for her, or trying to be a good guy in
her eyes will just confuse the situation and
her. Itll make the breakup messier and more
protracted than it needs to be. The more
definite and sure-footed you can be in the
matter, the better. Trust us, youre saving both
her and you a world of pain.
5.

6.

were both unique to the two people involved


and it doesnt say anything about all women
or all relationships. Add to that, hurting
another woman isnt going to hurt your ex,
and is actually only a poor reflection on you.

IF YOURE THE ONE BREAKING UP


WITH HER, DONT FIXATE ON TRYING
TO BE A NICE GUY.

REMEMBER:
You Cant Control Her, You Can Only Control
You. Try your best not to obsess over what
she might be doing, thinking, feeling, etc.
because ultimately you are just using your
imagination and its probably WRONG.
Besides, it doesnt MATTER what she is
thinking, feeling, or doing and the sooner you
focus on your own feelings, actions, and
thoughts, the better.
ALSO REMEMBER:
Just Because Your Ex Did You Wrong Doesnt
Mean All Women Will Do You Wrong. This is
not an excuse to go on some misogynistic,
sexist tear. The relationship and the breakup
201

7.

MAYBE CONSIDER THERAPY.


Sometimes friends and family can only say so
much to help because were invested in the
outcome i.e. the desire seeing you happy.
Thats why, if youre having a really tough
time, its good to talk to someone who is NOT
invested, like a therapist.

8.

SEX CAN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER FOR THE


VERY SHORT TERM,

But It Wont Make You Feel Love. Sex is


awesome. But its not the same thing as being
in a great relationship. And typically the more
time you spend seeking out great anonymous
sex, the farther away youll find yourself from
a fulfilling relationship.
9.

USE THIS AS A POINT OF REFLECTION.


You always have a choice. You can either
grow upwards or fall backwards from this
moment. If you let yourself have a break and
give yourself a breath of fresh air, youre less
likely to make the same mistakes (or pick the
same kind of person) as you did last time. Or,
you could always just go to bars and try and
202

10.

pick up any old girl you see, but then youll


probably be stuck in the same place again six
months from now.

advice listed below which are, in my opinion, the 10


best ways for getting over a breakup in a short
period of time:

FEELING SHITTY IS PART OF THE


PROCESS, BUT IT WILL END.
Youre going to feel like this right now and
thats okay. But you wont feel this way
forever, or even for very much longer. So that
should give you some hope.

1)

Hope: no recovery from breakups:


The main reason people accept the death of
loved ones and fail to accept breakups for
years is the presence of hope. Your mind will
never trigger the recovery process before it
makes sure that there is no hope of returning
back. To recover faster from breakups kill
hope completely by calling the person you
broke up with and making sure that this was
the end.

2)

The most dangerous phase:


People who live on hope of returning back go
a step further by always day dreaming about
the person they broke up with, by waiting for
him to call and wishing that they meet him in
the streets by coincidence. In my article the
stages of getting over a breakup i said that
this stage of recovery is called bargaining and
that the main reason most people never
recover fast from breakups is that they remain
in the bargaining stage for months and
sometimes years.

WAYS TO GET OVER BREAKUPS QUICKLY


I have helped millions of people get over breakups
in few days through this book. I know that there are
now other people who might be in other side of the
world who are desperately searching for quick
ways to get over their breakups If you were lucky
enough to come across this book then don't forget to
share it to help others who want to get over their
breakups fast to recover quickly.
10 Ways To Get Over A Break Up Fast
I have been studying psychology for 11 years and
the hundreds of articles giving inferior and
nonsense advice about breakups motivated me to
write an article that can really help people get over
their breakups faster. If you want to get over
someone quickly then please forget about the
inferior advice you read such as keep yourself busy,
be strong or travel and instead focus on the 10
203

204

3)

4)

5)

Fix your beliefs to get over a breakup


quickly:
The movies you watched, the songs you
listened to and the culture you got exposed to
made you believe in terms such as "The one"
or "The Soul mate" while in fact according to
the psychology of love there are hundreds of
potential partners out there that you could fall
in love with and the reason you aren't
meeting any of them is because of the limiting
beliefs you acquired from the media. The best
and fastest way to get over a breakup is to fix
your limiting beliefs by learning more about
the psychology of love.
Dont keep yourself busy:
If you were Hungry, will keeping yourself
busy help you forget about food one day? of
course not it will just lead to increased hunger
later on. You can't solve a problem, especially
if it was a breakup, by acting as if its not there.
The right way to get over a breakup quickly is
to face the problem and to convince your
mind that its over.
Avoid forming new limiting beliefs:
As soon as most people breakup they start
listening to sad songs, watching sad movies
and even searching the internet for sad
breakup quotes. These stuff can do you
nothing but reinforce limiting beliefs such as
205

"He was the one,"I cant live without him"


and the other bla, bla, that can prevent you
from getting over someone fast.
6)

Restore your social life:


Many people isolate themselves from their
friends as soon as they get into a relationship.
They make their relationship partner the
center of their world and that's why they feel
that they lost the whole world when they
breakup with him. As soon as you breakup
restore the connections back with your friends
and relatives so that you find it easier to get
over the breakup fast.

7)

Its ok to cry:
Suppressed emotions can turn into depression
or can result in many other bad moods.
Express your emotions whenever you feel like
it without thinking that there is any hope.

Avoid the person you broke up with for a


while:
Dont visit his Facebook profile, don't try to
message him and don't do anything that can
make your mind believe that there is hope.
The fastest way to get over a breakup is to kill
hope completely.

206

9)

10)

Burn the pictures, eat the chocolates:


Right after breakups many people keep
looking at the pictures they had together and
this convinces the mind that there is some
hope in returning back and that's why those
people never recover quickly. Burn the
pictures, eat the chocolates and give away the
gifts. When you do so your subconscious
mind will strongly believe that recovery is the
only way left and it will help you recover
faster.
Get rid of relationship dependency:
Many people get into relationships to forget
about the pain and the problems in their lives.
If you managed to become less dependent on
the relationship you will certainly get over
breakups faster. Learn how to face life
problems instead of escaping to a relationship
and your life will be much better.

FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD DO AFTER A


BREAK UP
We all know how bitter and confusing romantic
break ups can be. Sometimes break ups are
welcome. But when they are not, it can most
definitely feel like the end of the world. People will
always tell you that you'll eventually "get over it."
Most people getting out of relationships usually do.
Many people give advice on what NOT to do after a
207

break up. Associated Content writer, Stephanie


Dray mentions five of them in a recent article. But in
order to minimize the drama that goes along with
splitting up, there are some things you can and
probably should do.
1. Go Away
For couples who live together, this is very
important. Sharing a common living space can
make a clean break seem virtually impossible. There
are so many things to consider once two people
have decided to divide their lives again. If you find
yourself breaking up with your special someone, try
going away for a while. It does not have to be a long
and engaging vacation. One or two nights in a
nearby hotel should do the trick. Do NOT stay with
friends or family.
No matter how supportive they are, they will more
than likely be biased one way or the other because
they love you. It's best to find some neutral space to
do whatever you need in order to deal with the
shock of the separation. You'll need someplace
where you will not be surrounded by souvenirs of
your relationship. In a quiet and clean hotel room,
you can have total privacy to cry, shout, sleep,
think, read, or do whatever you need to, to alleviate
some of the shock and pain.

208

2. Make a Pros/Cons List


Get out a sheet of paper and make four columns.
Label the columns as follows : Pros, Cons, Pros,
Cons. Let the first set of Pros and Cons represent
the advantages and disadvantages of being together
with your former mate. Do the same for the next
two columns. Only these columns will represent
being apart. It may sound silly.
And if you're feeling exceptionally raw about
breaking up, you may find that one or more
columns are filled to capacity, while others only
have one item. That is just fine. Write down your
feelings anyway. Keep the list and continue to go
back to it. You may find that over time, some items
may move from one side of the list to the other. This
is because people often see their mistakes in
retrospect. And some things that we thought were
good for us, were actually detrimental to the
relationship.
3. Treat Yourself
Some people rely on pints of Haagen Daaz. Some
people grab a few beers with the buddies. And
some indulge in a little retail therapy. While these
may seem like viable options for soothing the
wounds of a nasty split, they are not always the
wisest. Pigging out on ice cream feels good
temporarily. But eating out of frustration is never a
good thing. "Break Up Shopping" may also result in
some negative repercussions. The kind of treat that
209

you should give yourself will feel good from the


inside out. Try to delight yourself with new
experiences. Take a class or attend a seminar. Visit a
tourist attraction in your own city that you may
never have seen before. The point here is to do
something that is healthy and engaging for your
mind. Sometimes people put so much energy into
their relationships that they rarely make time for
themselves. The fragile time after a break up is the
perfect opportunity to do just that.
4. Change Your Routine
Many couples establish certain routines without
even thinking about it. When suddenly, the person
that you loved no longer wants to be with you, not
only is your ego damaged, but you also feel a loss of
control. One way to re-establish control over your
life is to change your routine. If you normally work
from 8 to 4pm, try changing your schedule so that
you include other activities in your workweek.
Changing things up a bit will make you feel like
you're taking charge of an adverse situation.
5. Therapy
When all else fails, there is always the good old
therapist. No longer do you have to have stacks of
cash in order to get some quality objectivity. The
stigma associated with mental health has subsided
over the years. Many corporations offer programs
(called EAPs) that have been created for the sole
210

purpose of helping their employees deal with


difficult life issues. Typically, the employee is
offered 3 free sessions with a counselor or therapist
listed in a directory (further sessions require
payment). Sometimes it simply helps to be
completely candid with a stranger who is unbiased
to your situation. You can see things that you might
not have seen. And a therapist can also help you to
regain a sense of balance when things have gone
awry.
One thing that's true no matter how great or bad a
relationship was: Breakups aren't easy. Getting over
someone is hard. Actually, it can be quite
devastating if we don't take steps to take care of
ourselves and minimize the damage. There's no
quick fix that heals hearts fast, but there are ways to
lessen the heartache.
6. Find a support network.
Find someone or something you can lean on as
soon as possible. A best friend, favorite family
member or even a pet will do. More than likely
your emotions (sorrow, grief or anger) are flying
high. You need a steady ear that can give you
rational and comforting advice (or at least an
unconditional purr). Choose a support person that
you know is objective most of the time. Don't be
afraid to spill your guts or be open about how you
feel. Keeping those break up emotions bottled up is
211

never a good thing. Release them to a person who


can give you rational and objective advice.
7. Find a favorite.
The beginning of a bad breakup is an emergency
situation. You need comfort and reassurance from
your loss. It's important not to slip into depression.
You need something to get you through the times
when your support network is not available. Some
guys have favorite songs, movies or locations that
allow them to escape and heal internally. Your
favorite does not have to be happy and upbeat (and
be sure it's not a shared favorite of you and your
ex), but it should be empowering or allow you to
pick up the emotional pieces.
Find a positive anger release. Chances are he did
something to you or you did something that you
regret, so you're angry. Now is a good time to
indulge in your favorite hobby: sports, singing,
writing, walking, etc. Whatever your release, make
sure it's positive and not a depressant like alcohol
or drugs. Sing your heart out to numb the pain, but
don't use alcohol to do the same. You'll get over the
breakup with time. You don't want a bad habit to
go along with your bad break up.
Let him be. When we break up with someone there
is a tendency to be curious about his current life
without you. You may also have the urge to get
212

information about him from mutual friends (who


always seem to volunteer the unwanted details).
This doesn't help the break up or recovery process.
You may have mutual friends, but you need space
to focus on yourself. Constant reminders of your ex
only extends the anguish. This doesn't mean you
should isolate yourself or become a hermit, just try
and avoid encounters with him or unnecessary
information until you get used to life without him.
Take steps to heal. This sounds easier than it
actually is, but in order to get over a bad break up
it's essential you try and move on with your life. It
takes time to completely get over someone, but the
more you focus on your own life and develop your
own friendship base the easier it will be to get over
him. Do you have to erase him from your thoughts
completely? Of course not, but many guys
obsessively think about their ex's and some are
driven by the hope that they will get back together.
If you get back together, great; but if not you should
be prepared to continue moving forward with your
life.

yourself for too long and try not to use going out as
a means of burying your emotions or overcompensating for your loss.
Leave room. Yes, you and your ex had some great
times (often times some of the best memories of
your life) but it's important to leave room for others
to develop a good relationship with you- which will
lead to more great memories. It's common for us to
compare the new people we in our lives to our ex or
to build a wall of safety around our emotions. After
all, who wants to be hurt again? And of course,
we've learned many lessons from past.
A little caution is a good thing, but often times this
develops into an emotional shut down. Eventually,
no new guy you meet is good enough or as good as.
You've placed your ex on a pedestal that no one can
reach (most of the time, not even your ex if you
looked back on the relationship in detail). There is
also a tendency to place new guys in scenarios that
you and your ex shared to gage if they would react
in similar ways.

Get back into the scene. After you feel like you've
taken enough time to gather your thoughts and
emotions, don't be afraid to get back into the dating
scene, going out or whatever that may be. It's
normal to feel the need for "alone time" right after a
break up. Try going out and meeting new people
when you feel ready. Just be sure not to isolate

These methods almost always result in disaster. No


one can ever replace your ex, because he was his
own person and the dynamic of your relationship
was unique. There may always be a place in your
heart for him. Just make sure it's not your entire
heart! Leave room to develop better memories or a
more fulfilling relationship with someone new.

213

214

Give your new prospects a chance and remember,


you can't compare someone you've just met to an ex
with whom you've shared many memories.

that this is the best possible thing to happen to you


right now, and the reasons will become clear in the
future.

7 TIPS GETTING OVER A BREAK UP

2. Release Tension and Bundled Up Energy


We all have the need to be understood and heard.
Whether were on the receiving end or the initiating
end of a breakup, we often carry with us the tension
and any unexpressed emotions. We can release this
extra energy by:
Talking about it with a friend.
Voicing our opinions honestly and openly with our
ex-partner, which have been bottled up in the past.
Punching a pillow and crying freely for 10 minutes
Screaming out aloud and imagining unwanted
energy being released with your voice (seriously,
Ive done a meditation that incorporated this, and I
instantly felt better).
Writing in a journal (more on this later).
Exercise and body movement.
Meditating.

1. Letting Go
What would you do if your house was burnt to the
ground, and everything you owned was destroyed?
Im sure youd be frustrated and angry at first, but
at the same time, no amount of anger will undo
what has been done. It is what it is. Your best bet is
to begin moving on, and working towards creating
a new home.
Similarly, when a relationship ends, youll want to
practice letting go and allowing the healing process
to begin quickly.
If you were on the receiving end of a breakup, do
not dwell on whether the person will come back or
not, if they broke up with you at one point, chances
are, something is wrong with the fit of your
partnership, and youll be better appreciated
elsewhere, with someone else. Even if you and the
ex get back together, it is unlikely to last (from my
experience).
Trust that everything in the Universe happens for a
reason, and it benefits everyone involved in the
long run, even if the benefits are not yet clear. Trust
215

3. Love Yourself
The practice of loving yourself is the most
important aspect on the road to personal happiness
and emotional stability. Ive personally had my
most valuable personal growth spurts during the
period when I vigorously worked on this aspect of
my life.

216

I did everything from cooking myself fancy dinners,


to spending every Sunday on my own doing the
things that I loved, to taking myself to Symphonies,
to taking overseas trips on my own. Each one had
its own challenges and confronted my beliefs about
loneliness. Through overcoming the fear of
loneliness, I experienced deep joy all by myself. It
was so gratifying, refreshing and empowering.
Here are some ideas to cultivate the art of loving
yourself:
Take yourself on romantic dates as if you were on a
date with another person. Put on nice clothes,
maybe buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to
something delicious, and take long walks under the
stars. Whatever your idea of a romantic date is.
Look at yourself in the mirror. Look yourself in the
eyes. Smile slightly with your eyes. Practice giving
gratitude to what you see. You dont need words.
Just send out the intent of giving an abundance of
love to the eyes that you see, and feel the feelings of
love within you. As you are looking into your eyes,
look for something you admire about your eyes
maybe the color, the shape, the depth, the
exoticness, or even the length of your eye lashes.
This will be a little weird and uncomfortable at first,
but just trust me, and continue with it. Do this for a
few minutes every day.

217

Sit or stand in front of a mirror, or sit somewhere


comfortable (mix it up, and do both on different
days), put both hands on your chest and say to
yourself, I love you, <insert your name>. Repeat a
few times, slowly. Continue with qualities you like
about yourself, or things you are good at. Be
generous and list many, even if they sound silly.
Example, I love that you always know how to
make your salads so colorful and appetizing., I
love that you have the discipline to go to the gym
regularly, and you really take care of your body.,
I love that you are so neat, and can keep your desk
so organized.
Practice doing things on your own to challenge
your fear of being alone. For example, if you have a
fear of eating alone in a restaurant, go out to a
restaurant on your own. Your mission is to find the
joy within that experience.
4. Love Your Ex-Partner
Allow the love within you to flow. Try practicing
forgiveness and open up your heart.
Over the past few months, my friend Tom Stine and
I have been chatting about the topic of overcoming
breakups. Tom had been married for 13 years and
went through a divorce that took him 2 years to
emotionally recover from. When asked about how
he got over his ex-wife, he had a few snippets of
wisdom to convey:
218

I let myself love her. Even when it felt like my


heart was going to break. Adyashanti says
something amazing when people say, My heart
feels like it is going to break. He says, Let it break.
If you let it really break really, really break, it will
transform you.
LET YOUR HEART BREAK WIDE OPEN. Let go
of every possible belief or thought that says your ex
is anything other than the most incredible, amazing,
wonderful person in the Universe. You gotta love
them and open your broken heart, WIDE OPEN!!!!
Thats how to get over a break-up, really get over it.
Anything short of that is not gonna do it.
The key for me was getting utterly clear: we are
apart, and the Universe never makes mistakes. We
are over. And I can still love her. That was HUGE. I
can love her with all my heart and soul and we
never have to be together. And when I realized that,
I felt amazing. And still do. The freedom was great.
I could finally own-up to how much I wanted out of
our relationship. All the hurt and anger
disappeared. I was free.
The underlying message of love in Toms words is
pretty clear and powerful.
5. Give it Time
It takes time to heal. Be patient. Give it more time. I
promise the storm will end, and the sun will peak
through the clouds.
219

6. Journal Your Experience


Spend some quality time in a comfortable chair, at
your desk or at a caf, and write your thoughts and
feelings on paper. No, not typing on a laptop,
writing on paper with a pen. Follow your heart and
flow freely, but if youre stuck, here are some
writing exercises you can do:
Drill into the why Start with a question or
statement, and continue to drill into why you feel
that way until you have a truthful and satisfying
reason. The exercise isnt to issue blame or blow off
steam at someone else. Its meant to gain clarity and
understanding into how you feel, so you can
alleviate unnecessary pain.
For example, you might start with the statement, I
am in a lot of pain, ouch!, and your why might be
because she left me. Now ask yourself, why does
that hurt so much?, and one possible why might
be, because I feel abandoned. The following why
to why does feeling abandoned hurt so much?,
because it makes me feel alone, etc. More than
likely, the real reason has something to do with our
own insecurities or fears.
Finding the Lessons What did you learn from the
relationship? What did you learn from the other
person? How is your life better because of it? How
will your future relationships be better because of
it?
220

7. Read Something Inspirational


Books that deal with our emotions and ego are
incredible tools at a time of healing. They help to
enlighten our understanding of ourselves and our
experiences.
Parting Words: Healing from Breakup
Every relationship will end someday, whether by
break-up or by the death of one partner.
Relationships have cycles. They are born, they live,
and they die. Just like every part of life. It is merely
a part of life.

as they come. And when they come, view each one


as an opportunity for personal growth when you
do that, nothing is lost.
All is well, and so be it.
What are your experiences with dealing with
breakups? Any words of wisdom for others going
through it? Share your thoughts and stories with us
in the comment section. See you there!

Socially, we view the end of a relationship with a


negative connotation and give it the label of a
failure. Just because a relationship has ended does
not mean that the relationship was a failure. Both
parties likely gained something substantial in either
learning about themselves or for the benefit of
future partnerships. Capture the beauty of time
shared together, and note the valuable life lessons
learned. Be thankful for having experienced love,
and know that you are a better person because of it.
No challenge is ever presented to us, if we are unable to handle it.
For those currently in relationships, cherish and
honor your partner for who they are as form and
formless Beings. Accept the reality that life is full of
change, and dance with the changes and challenges
221

222

among female friends and family members, males


tend to rely more heavily on a female partner as a
source. The unfortunate result is a bottling of
emotions following the end of a meaningful
relationship.

CHAPTER TWELVE

THE EFFECTS OF A BREAKUP IN A


RELATIONSHIP
The severity of the impact of a breakup depends not
only on the nature of the relationship, but also on
the personality and emotional history of the person
in question. However, males and females have
dramatically different characteristic responses to
this difficult situation. Some typically male
responses indicate the effects of a breakup on male
behavior and the male psyche.
IMMEDIATE DENIAL
The pain of a failed relationship often triggers an
escapist impulse in men, leading them to seek out a
good time and hide their unhappiness, particularly
from their new ex. In one survey, 26 percent of men
recommended going out and getting drunk with
male friends after a breakup as a mechanism. This
indicates that one immediate effect of a breakup is
an immediate stage of outward denial and an
emotional hardening.

THE PROSPECT OF FREEDOM


Breakups often have the effect of awakening a
renewed excitement in men over the prospect of
having new women in their lives. This idealism
over future prospects may lead a man to rush into
the dating world and eagerly pursue new interests.
However, this enthusiasm sometimes leads into a
period of frustration and disillusionment, as a man
recognizes how much time and effort it will take to
be as comfortable with a new partner as he was
with the recent ex.

LOSS OF EMOTIONAL SUPPORT


Research also suggests that many men suffer a loss
in emotional well-being when they no longer have a
romantic partner with whom to share intimate
feelings. In contrast to women, who typically
cultivate many outlets for emotional expression

AGGRESSIVE RESPONSES
While aggressive and jealous behavior is by no
means a universal effect of breakups, some males
do respond to this difficult situation by adopting a
belligerent attitude. Some psychologists posit that
this aggressive role is an adaptive male
evolutionary trait that is tempered by modern
societal norms, but which may still emerge as a
genetic component of a man's nature. In particular,
males who still have strong feelings for an ex or
harbor hopes of repairing the relationship will
exhibit possessive behavior. They may allow
jealousy over a woman's new love interest to eclipse

223

224

their normal judgment and lead them into verbal or


physical confrontations.

THE EFFECTS OF TEENAGE BREAKUPS


When your teenager has been through a breakup,
you may notice that she exhibits certain personality
changes, some that you should be concerned about,
and some that you needn't be. A breakup can be a
traumatic event for a teenager. It can leave her
feeling undesirable and upset for a long time past
the breakup. Do your best to look for the effects of
teenage breakup and support your teen through
this time in her life.
PHYSICAL SIGNS
Your teen may not be able to eat immediately
following a breakup and may deal with the breakup
in other physical ways. It's important to look for
any drastic changes in physical appearance or
activity, as each teen may take the breakup
differently. A girl may change her physical
appearance in different ways, either by changing
her looks or hair, or by not taking care of her
physical appearance as well as she did before. A
boy may hit the gym harder than usual, whereas
another may stop physical activity altogether.
WITHDRAWAL FROM ACTIVITIES
A teen that has been through an upsetting breakup
may withdrawal from some of the activities that she
normally likes to do. She may drop some of her
225

favorite hobbies and lose interest in activities that


aren't involved with the breakup. She may spend a
lot of time alone in her room or miss events such as
dances and activities on purpose. She's probably
trying to avoid social situations where her ex would
be present.
EMBARRASSMENT
If your teen has suffered an especially public
breakup, he may feel embarrassed about the
situation and not want to go to school or socialize
with friends who know about it. You'll need to
watch this embarrassment carefully, as it may cause
him to become more introverted and not want to
talk about the situation, which means you'll have a
harder time deciphering what he is thinking and
feeling following the breakup.
DEPRESSION
Watch carefully for signs of depression, which
would include a combination of the other effects of
a teenage breakup; not eating or sleeping,
withdrawal from social activities, anger or sadness;
or a refusal to talk about it. Depression can follow a
breakup when a teenager is already prone to the
disease. If you notice signs of depression, you
should contact your teen's doctor immediately and
perhaps have him talk to a psychologist until the
sting of the breakup lessens.

226

SOLIDIFIED RELATIONSHIPS
Not all of the effects of teenage breakups are
negative. With the ending of a relationship can also
come a solidifying of your teen's other friendships
and family relationships as she leans on them for
support following the breakup. She may throw
herself into activities with gusto to keep her mind
off of the breakup and come out of it as a better,
more confident teen.

HOW TO DEAL WITH A BREAKUP


WHILE IN SCHOOL
Breakups are always hard, but being in college can
add another level of difficulty to the situation. For
starters, there may be a distance issue, which
actually may have caused the breakup. Or, perhaps
one or both of you have deemed it time to move on,
after being exposed to the new world of possibilities
that college offers. Regardless of the breakup's
cause, college presents the perfect opportunity for
effectively dealing with a breakup, precisely
because of all of those new possibilities.
INSTRUCTIONS
1.
Accept that it's over. Sure, you want to hash
things out and plead your case, and you may
have second thoughts if you're the one
breaking it off. But there comes a time when
you have to let go, which is the first step to
moving on. Needlessly dragging things out
227

will only prolong the pain and delay the


healing process.
2.

Find activities to keep yourself busy. You can


engage in something that you've always
enjoyed, or find something new. Eliminate
excessive downtime in your dorm room,
where your mind will wander. For example,
try getting involved in intramural sports. Not
only will you keep yourself busy, you will
possibly get yourself in shape.

3.

Surround yourself with good people. There's


a fine line to tread, however. On the one hand,
you need folks to allow you to get your
feelings off of your chest. But at the same
time, it shouldn't be a pity party. Too much
"he was so bad for you" can take its toll after a
while, making it harder to deal with the
breakup. Ideally, your social circle should be a
perfect balance between supportive and
positive.

4.

Find new hangouts on campus. Staying active


is good, but everyone needs relaxation time.
When you go out to let off some steam, try
attending some new venues. This will be
beneficial for a variety of reasons. During a
breakup and shortly thereafter, the last thing
you need is to torment yourself by going to
the same places where you and your ex spent
228

time. Plus, it will be refreshing and


therapeutic to experience a change of scenery.
WHY A RELATIONSHIP BREAKUP AFFECTS
YOUR PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL HEALTH
Mostly everyone will sometime in his or her life
experience a devastating relationship breakup.
After all, a relationship breakup is almost the exact
thing as losing a loved one to death. Our time with
that one special someone comes to an end and it's a
no brainier that it can do some serious harm to a
person's emotional health. Emotional stress can be
just as harmful as physical stress to a human body.
The key to a health body is great physical and
emotional health.
Emotional Stress
A relationship breakup affects people in different
ways. Emotional stress is usually one of the most
common side affects that a person experiences that
can take a toll on one's emotional health. A
relationship breakup, as discussed earlier is almost
like losing a loved one to death. A person's
emotional health takes a nose dive when he or she
copes with the loss. We handle the relationship
breakup very similar to what we would handle a
death by going through various stages until we
have come to a point where we are over the hurt.

Physical Changes That Can Occur


Emotional stress not only affects a person's
emotional health but it can affect the person's
physical health as well. A relationship breakup can
result in drastic weight loss, hair loss, insomnia, and
can even raise stress hormones. Emotional stress
raises stress hormones which result in changes of a
body's immune system, digestive system, cardiac
system, and other body functions. Emotional health
is important. Emotional health keeps the body
content. When emotional stress impacts a person's
emotional health due to a relationship breakup, the
body suffers as a result.
How To Cope
When a relationship breakup is greatly affecting an
individual's emotional health and the emotional
stress is unbearable, the individual should seek
treatment from a psychologist or counselor.
Psychologists
and
counselors
are
trained
professionals that can assist an individual with the
emotional stress that occurs with a relationship
breakup. A psychologist or counselor will help
people deal with the relationship breakup by
sorting out feelings to help repair a person's
emotional health so that they may move on.
RELATIONSHIP BREAK-UPS 'HIT MEN HARDEST

On the outside they might put on a brave face, hit


the pub and talk even more about football. But a
study has found that, contrary to popular belief,
229

230

when a relationship is in trouble it is men who


suffer the most. Romantic ups and downs
apparently have a greater effect on the mental
health of young men than women. Although men
often present a tougher front, relationship problems
were found to have a great impact on their mental
health than on women. While women are more
likely to display their depression to friends, men are
more likely to store up their feelings - with negative
health effects including making them more likely to
drink alcohol.
Professor Robin Simon, who led the study, admitted
she was shocked that the results overturned the
widespread assumption that women are more
vulnerable to the emotional rollercoaster of
relationships.
'Surprisingly, we found young men are more
reactive to the quality of ongoing relationships,' she
said. That means men's mental health is more
affected by the harmful stress of a rocky
relationship. The researchers also found that men
get greater emotional benefits from the positive
aspects of an ongoing romance. This contradicts the
stereotypical image of stoic men who are unaffected
by what happens in their relationships. Professor
Simon, of Wake Forest University in the U.S., said
the findings could be down to the fact that young
men often have few people in whom they confide apart from their romantic partner. Whereas women
231

are more likely to have close relationships with


family and friends. Strain in a relationship could
also be linked to poor emotional well-being because
it threatens young men's sense of identity and
feelings of self-worth.
Another factor was that men and women express
emotional distress in different ways. 'Women
express emotional distress with depression, while
men express emotional distress with substance
problems,' Professor Simon said. The study, in the
Journal of Health and Social Behavior, was based on
a survey of 1,000 unmarried 18- to 23-year-olds in
Florida. It was part of a long-term probe into mental
health and the transition to adulthood. The
researchers also found that while young men are
more affected by the quality of a current
relationship, young women are more emotionally
affected by whether or not they are in a
relationship.
HOW A ROMANTIC BREAKUP AFFECTS SELFCONCEPT
Self-concept is defined as a person's sense of "me."
Romantic partners develop shared friends, activities
and even overlapping self-concepts.
Using three studies, the researchers examined selfconcept changes that can occur after a breakup.
They found that individuals have reduced selfconcept clarity after a breakup. This reduced clarity
232

can contribute to emotional distress. The loss of the


relationship
has
multiple
psychological
consequences, including the tendency for
individuals to change the content of their selves and
the feeling that their selves are subjectively less
clear and even smaller. Finding that there is a
prevalence of self-change experienced when a
romantic relationship ends provides a testament to
the power of loss that impacts one's sense of self.
"Not only may couples come to complete each
others' sentences, they may actually come to
complete each others' selves," write authors Erica B.
Slotter, Wendi L. Gardner, and Eli J. Finkel. "When
the relationship ends, individuals experience not
only pain over the loss of the partner, but also
changes in their selves. This research is the first to
demonstrate the unique contribution of reduced
self-concept clarity to the emotional distress that
individuals experience post-breakup."

233

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

THE DIFFERENT STEPS AND TIPS TO


GET OVER
BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP
STEPS TO GET OVER A BREAKUP
Just a warning: You will cry, a lot. Especially, if
you're the one being dumped. Sorry. That's life.
Now, let's begin.
1.

Cry. Cry until your face turns tomato red and


you
can't
breathe
or
you
start
hyperventilating. Cry until your stomach
hurts and you and the supermarket have run
out of Kleenex. Get the tears out of your
system, as soon as possible. You don't need
those repressed feelings to erupt later on the
day of your wedding.

2.

Listen to a really good breakup mix. It's a


scientific fact that music has therapeutic
effects, including lowering your heart rate,
reducing pain and relieving stress. Plus,
listening to music is a great way to spend
your time not talking.

3.

Feel numb. This isn't really a suggestion, but


something that I should tell you is inevitable.
You'll actually say this to your friends a lot: "I
234

feel numb." Other variations include, "I feel


dead," "I don't feel anything anymore," or "I'm
broken." It's okay. Feel numb. But realize that
deep down, you will feel a swift kick in the
ass. I'm just saying.
4.

5.

Talk it out. Your friends will try to console


you and be there to listen. Do it. In fact, I'd be
surprised if you even have any other
conversation topics at the moment, right?
Complain, cry again, feel sorry for yourself, be
angry, be sad, be whoever and whatever you
want. According to UCLAresearchers, even
though we may feel like we don't discover
any new brilliant insights, verbalizing your
feelings still does mitigate sadness and
anger.
Set a time limit to wallow. This doesn't mean
you have 10 minutes to grieve, but you should
think about wanting to feel better with your
life, which means eventually, moving on with
it. Some people calculate the appropriate
mourning period as the length of the
relationship. It depends on you, so make sure
you are comfortable with your decision. Do
not change the date, no matter what. Even if
you're miserable on that day, you must still
commit to making positive changes in your
life-think of it as Maury sending you to boot
camp.
235

6.

Assess the relationship. If you were victim of


a drive-by dumping, as so many of us are,
think about the reasons your partner cited for
ending the relationship. Do you agree? Are
they legitimate? Was he/she blaming you?
This is the tough part, where you have to
think about--and sadly--acknowledge that
your partner wasn't happy. (Were you?)

7.

Try to reconcile (if you want to). This may be


a surprising suggestion, since most experts
will tell you to cut him or her out (Joey
Gladstone style), completely, which means no
texts, no wall posts, no tweets, and definitely
no late-night stalking. Still, I believe in trying
to reconcile--but only once. So make sure you
come up with and execute a really good plan.
Reconciling means that both of you are going
to give the relationship another shot; this does
not mean one last sexual tryst or a booty call.
In my own experience, 99 percent of the time,
reconciling doesn't work. Instead, it leads to
more confusion, anger and hurt, which is why
you only get one chance to make a fool out of
yourself.

8.

Stop staring at the phone. All I do after a


breakup is stare at the phone. When I'm not
staring at it, I'm throwing it against the wall,
because the ex isn't calling. Sometimes I hear
236

my phone ringing and run in a frenzy to pick


up, only to find that it is my mom telling me
that I should wear a jacket today, because it's
cold. What I do to remedy my
phone addiction is delete the number and
shut off or keep the phone on silent. People
always say that they need to keep their
phones on, in case of an emergency. What
about your mental health and sanity--isn't
keeping those in check also an emergency?
9.

End the virtual stalking too. Don't tell me


checking your ex's Facebook profile is totally
harmless, because it's not. It harms you,
especially when you notice that your ex has
changed his status from "in a relationship" to
"single" in the amount of time it took you to
log on the site. Don't delete him as a friend
(it's petty and makes him think that you're a
mess, which even if you are, you don't want
him to know, right?). Instead, just block his
profile, so none of his updates show up on
your feed. Also, block him on Gchat, iChat,
Skype and any other communication network.
Talking to someone who doesn't reciprocate
your romantic feelings is agonizing, especially
when it seems that the ex has moved on
before you. So if you contact him or he
contacts you, you are only torturing yourself
and basically saying that you don't want to
feel better. One day, you and your ex may
237

able to become friends again, but not now.


Sorry.
10.

Remember the bad times. Think about that


time he took the last bite of pizza, even
though you were starving. Or recall those
shady text messages you found in his phone.
And don't forget about that time he threw up
all over your bed and made you clean the
sheets. Now, think about your future--10 or 20
years from now, imagine yourself in those
same awful situations. How does it make you
feel? Be thankful that you will never have to
experience those moments again.

11.

Go outside. When I'm depressed, the last


thing I want to do is exercise. In fact, I hate
moving
from
my
bed
at
all.
Still, studies show, that nothing reduces stress
as well as Mother Nature does. Walk your
pets, go jogging, dig a hole to China.
Whatever you do, make sure you're getting
fresh air and experiencing some sunlight.

12.

Go out. Okay. This can be a difficult step, but


once you get here, it means that you're ready
to return to your normal self. Channel that
person you were before you were in a
committed relationship. You were cool,
attractive, funny and outgoing. Be that person
or fake being that person, it really doesn't
238

matter. But you do have to eventually make


your way back into society. You're scared. I've
been there too. But the really nice thing is, that
for the most part, society hasn't changed
much. And neither have you.
13.

Love yourself. Just because someone has


stopped loving you or doesn't love you
enough, it doesn't mean that you are not
deserving of finding love. One of my favorite
quotes is by Lucille Ball: "Love yourself first
and everything else falls into line. You really
have to love yourself to get anything done in
this world." (It's no wonder why we loved
her.) And by loving yourself, I mean being
good and kind to your body and your mind.
As an acting teacher always used to say,
"Don't beat yourself up.

RELATIONSHIP - TIPS TO SURVIVE


AFTER BREAKUP
Surviving after a love break-up is tough. Speaking
about relationships, relationships connect us in this
world with each other. We have many kinds of
relationships-parental, sibling, friends, professional
and love. We go through many phases in all these
relationships. Ups and downs are part of our life
and our relationships. Most of us can bear break
down in most of the above relationships except
239

those of love. Why? Who will survive a breakdown


in romantic relationship and how? Let us find out.
I was speaking to somebody who will be breaking
up soon. The statement went something like this- I
did everything possible to save our relationship. I
gave in a lot, but I could not save. We will be
breaking-up soon. That has already broken my
heart. This relationship was made brick by brick
over so many years. What all we did not do to make
it last? But alas, we are breaking -up. I asked the
person- how to you propose to go on in life now?
There was no answer except a blank stare. This
happens to most of us.
The immediate effect of the break-up is pain. The
pain goes away slowly over a number of years, but
the initial impact is high. It is the initial period
during which one has to gather all the energy and
tolerate the pain.
The second effect is bitterness and blame. There is
recap of all the arguments and fights and there is a
large amount of self-talk about how one was
ditched. That is not pleasant. Try the following to
overcome this phase. Spend quality time with
friends, involving you in new activities, and keep
yourself busy.
Refocus yourself to your career. Make some very
exciting plans and meet some intelligent and
successful people. Begin talking to them about what
240

you should do to enhance your potential. Find out


what can be done best by you and how will you
reach the top. Write down all these goals and focus
on them.

THE RIGHT WAY TO GET OVER A


BREAKUP FAST
Try to escape from such a problem by keeping
yourself busy, by sleeping for most of the day or by
even using drugs and you will only discover that
the breakup problem is getting worse. Kill hope,
convince your mind that its over and get rid of
your limiting beliefs and you will discover that you
are getting over the breakup faster than expected. I
know that one article might not be enough to help
you get over the breakup completely and that's why
there are links below to many other articles that can
help you get over someone fast.
2knowmysef is not a complicated medical website
nor it's a boring online encyclopedia but it's a place
where you will find simple, to the point and
effective information that is backed by psychology
and that is presented in a simple and obvious way.
If you think that this is some kind of marketing
hype then see what other visitors say about
2knowmyself.The book "How to get over someone
in few days" was released by 2knowmyself, the
book is a 100% guarantee that you will get over
anyone else you will be refunded.
241

3 RULES TO GET OVER A BREAKUP


The old method of getting over a guy involved
nothing more complicated than a tub of ice cream.
These days, your tactics have to be tech-savvy.
Splitting up sucks. You got dumped, you cut him
loosesometimes it doesn't even matter. Fact is,
there's pain and sadness and anger, and that's never
going to change. (Sorry.) And these days, getting
over a split may be tougher than ever. "Technology
is a huge obstacle," says relationship therapist Belisa
Vranich, PsyD, coauthor of He's Got Potential.
"Facebook and Twitter make it incredibly difficult
to move on because you're bombarded with
reminders of the guy on a daily, even hourly basis.
Plus, texting means keeping up contact is easy and
impersonal, causing a lot of confusion and mixed
emotions. Unless you take specific actions to
address these issues, you're in for a rough time." We
asked experts for the updated rules on dealing with
the grief and the guy and finally getting your life
back on track.
RULE 1: Block Him on Facebook Pronto
Seeing a tagged photo of your former guy with his
arm around some chick is pretty much the last thing
you need to add to your freaked-out state of mind
during this mourning time. Even if there's nothing
as blatantly agony inducing as that, little news-feed
updates or minor profile tweaks serve as constant
242

reminders of him that will start to eat away at you.


"That period after leaving someone can be very
emotional, and you really need a clean break to get
your head on straight," says Ilana Gershon, PhD,
assistant professor of communications and culture
at Indiana University and author of The Breakup
2.0: Disconnecting over New Media. "Besides, it's
easy to become obsessive and read too much into
minor things like if you see that he's online at 2
a.m., you may jump to the conclusion that he can't
sleep because he's thinking about you when he's
really just pulling a late night."
Assuming the relationship ended on decent terms
(meaning, he didn't turn into a complete asshole
and cheat or anything like that), defriending him is
overly aggressive. After all, in a few months, you
may want to be friends or at least look back fondly.
Instead, just block him in your privacy settings so
his updates don't show up. Later, when you feel
better about things, you can unblock him.
RULE 2: Watch What You Post Online
Once you're kind of done with crying, you usually
enter that pissed-off phase. You are angry that it
didn't work out and want to show him you can do
better or, at least, you've moved on. And
technology like Facebook and G-chat facilitates
doing that. But don't go there. Putting a G-chat
message that says something like "Can't wait for my
243

date tonight!" or tagging a picture of yourself


hugging some random cutie at a bar can actually
backfire and keep you from truly going forward.
"It's easy to fool yourself into thinking that you're
getting over him because you're seeing other guys
and publicizing how busy and fun your life is now,"
says Vranich. "But if you're posting your every
move with the hope that your ex or one of his
buddies sees it, you're really just keeping yourself
wrapped up in your old relationship."
Look, getting out there and doing stuff is great. But
running home so you can update these sites means
your motives are misguided. Plus, having those
petty posts online will make you feel really crappy
in the long run. "Remember that what you're doing
can be seen by all your friends and even some
strangers," says Gershon. "Do you really want your
rebounding to be public fodder?"
Obviously, it's unrealistic to stay off socialnetworking sites completely (hello, they're
addictive!), but you can control what you post. So
take a break from updating your status, tweeting,
and G-chatting about anything personal.
RULE 3: Whatever You Do, Don't Text Him
Eventually, you'll get to the post-split emotion of
missing him, which usually happens when you've
been broken up for a while. You may start to forget
why you went your separate ways or think the
244

reasons you did so no longer seem like a big deal.


And those feelings can cause you to make a major
mistake. "It used to be that a girl might consider
drunk dialing her ex, but doing it took a lot of guts
since she'd have to hear his voice and come up with
something to say," points out Dean Parker, PhD, a
clinical psychologist and relationship therapist. "But
texting? That's emotionally removed, so if you miss
him, it's easy to fire off a quick line or two because it
doesn't require that much personal investment."

don't want to open the door to more


communication. "Obviously, what he texts will
determine what you are going to shoot back, but the
key is to be friendly without inviting more," says
Vranich. Write something like "Nice to hear from
you. Really busy right now, so I will have to catch
you later." That way, you're nicely letting him know
you don't have time for him right now. And then
you can focus on moving on.

While it's simple physically to send the text, the


emotional ramifications are hard to deal with. "Not
only are you breaking down, but he may feel
obligated to respond, even if he's not ready, and
you'll be upset if his text back isn't enthusiastic,"
says Vranich. Plus, you'll have the words archived,
so you can reread and obsess over it.
The time you'll most likely be tempted to text him is
when you're tipsy. So take extra precautions: Give
your phone to a friend at the beginning of the night.
If someone else has your cell, you'll have to ask for
it back, which will give you time to reconsider. Or
change your ex's name in your phone to Do Not
Text. It'll act as a reminder that you really don't
want to reach out to him despite what your boozedup feelings are telling you.
And if he texts you, it can be just as tough to deal
with. You don't want to ignore him, but you also
245

246

These unknowns often seem worse than an


unhappy relationship. Recovering from a breakup
or divorce is difficult. However, its important to
know (and to keep reminding yourself) that you can
and will move on. But healing takes time, so be
patient with yourself.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

COPING WITH A BREAKUP OR


DIVORCE
IN A RELATIONSHIP
Its never easy when a marriage or significant
relationship ends. Whatever the reason for the split,
it can turn your whole world upside down and
trigger painful and unsettling feelings. But there are
things you can do to get through this difficult time
and grow into a stronger, wiser person.
HEALING AFTER A DIVORCE OR BREAKUP
Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the
relationship is no longer good? A divorce or
breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not
just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams
and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on
a high note of excitement and hope for the future.
When these relationships fail, we experience
profound disappointment, stress, and grief.
A breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted
territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and
responsibilities, your home, your relationships with
extended family and friends, and even your
identity. A breakup brings uncertainty about the
future. What will life be like without your partner?
Will you find someone else? Will you end up alone?
247

COPING WITH SEPARATION AND DIVORCE


Recognize that its OK to have different feelings. Its
normal to feel sad, angry, exhausted, frustrated, and
confusedand these feelings can be intense. You
also may feel anxious about the future. Accept that
reactions like these will lessen over time. Even if the
marriage was unhealthy, venturing into the
unknown is frightening. Give yourself a break. Give
yourself permission to feel and to function at a less
than optimal level for a period of time. You may not
be able to be quite as productive on the job or care
for others in exactly the way youre accustomed to
for a little while. No one is superman or
superwoman; take time to heal, regroup, and reenergize.
Dont go through this alone. Sharing your feelings
with friends and family can help you get through
this period. Consider joining a support group where
you can talk to others in similar situations. Isolating
yourself can raise your stress levels, reduce your
concentration, and get in the way of your work,
relationships, and overall health. Dont be afraid to

248

get outside help if you need it. Allow yourself to


grieve the loss of the relationship
Grief is a natural reaction to loss, and the breakup
or divorce of a love relationship involves multiple
losses:
Loss of companionship and shared experiences
(which may or may not have been consistently
pleasurable)
Loss of support, be it financial, intellectual, social,
or emotional Loss of hopes, plans, and dreams (can
be even more painful than practical losses).
Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses
may be scary. You may fear that your emotions will
be too intense to bear, or that youll be stuck in a
dark place forever. Just remember that grieving is
essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is
precisely what helps you let go of the old
relationship and move on. And no matter how
strong your grief, it wont last forever.
TIPS FOR GRIEVING AFTER A BREAKUP OR
DIVORCE
Dont fight your feelings Its normal to have lots
of ups and downs, and feel many conflicting
emotions, including anger, resentment, sadness,
relief, fear, and confusion. Its important to identify
and acknowledge these feelings. While these
emotions will often be painful, trying to suppress or
ignore them will only prolong the grieving process.
249

Talk about how youre feeling Even if it is


difficult for you to talk about your feelings with
other people, it is very important to find a way to
do so when you are grieving. Knowing that others
are aware of your feelings will make you feel less
alone with your pain and will help you heal.
Journaling can also be a helpful outlet for your
feelings.
Remember that moving on is the end goal
Expressing your feelings will liberate you in a way,
but it is important not to dwell on the negative
feelings or to over-analyze the situation. Getting
stuck in hurtful feelings like blame, anger, and
resentment will rob you of valuable energy and
prevent you from healing and moving forward.
Remind yourself that you still have a future
When you commit to another person, you create
many hopes and dreams. Its hard to let these
dreams go. As you grieve the loss of the future you
once envisioned, be encouraged by the fact that new
hopes and dreams will eventually replace your old
ones.
Know the difference between a normal reaction to a
breakup and depression - Grief can be paralyzing
after a breakup, but after a while, the sadness
begins to lift. Day by day, and little by little, you
start moving on. However, if you dont feel any
forward momentum, you may be suffering from
250

depression. Reach out to others for support through


the grieving process. Support from others is critical
to healing after a breakup or divorce. You might
feel like being alone, but isolating yourself will only
make this time more difficult. Dont try to get
through this on your own.
Reach out to trusted friends and family members.
People who have been through painful breakups or
divorces can be especially helpful. They know what
it is like and they can assure you that there is hope
for healing and new relationships. Spend time with
people who support, value, and energize you. As
you consider who to reach out to, choose wisely.
Surround yourself with people who are positive
and who truly listen to you. Its important that you
feel free to be honest about what youre going
through, without worrying about being judged,
criticized, or told what to do.
Get outside help if you need it. If reaching out to
others doesnt come naturally, consider seeing a
counselor or joining a support group. The most
important thing is that you have at least one place
where you feel comfortable opening up.
Cultivate new friendships. If you feel like you have
lost your social network along with the divorce or
breakup, make an effort to meet new people. Join a
networking group or special interest club, take a
class, get involved in community activities, or
251

volunteer at a school, place of worship, or other


community organization.
Taking care of yourself after a divorce or
relationship breakup
A divorce is a highly stressful, life-changing event.
When youre going through the emotional wringer
and dealing with major life changes, its more
important than ever to take care of yourself. The
strain and upset of a major breakup can leave you
psychologically and physically vulnerable.
Treat yourself like youre getting over the flu. Get
plenty of rest, minimize other sources of stress in
your life, and reduce your workload if possible.
Learning to take care of yourself can be one of the
most valuable lessons you learn following a divorce
or breakup. As you feel the emotions of your loss
and begin learning from your experience, you can
resolve to take better care of yourself and make
positive choices going forward.
SELF CARE TIPS:
Make time each day to nurture yourself. Help
yourself heal by scheduling daily time for activities
you find calming and soothing. Go for a walk in
nature, listen to music, enjoy a hot bath, get a
massage, read a favorite book, take a yoga class, or
savor a warm cup of tea.

252

Pay attention to what you need in any given


moment and speak up to express your needs.
Honor what you believe to be right and best for you
even though it may be different from what your ex
or others want. Say "no" without guilt or angst as a
way of honoring what is right for you.
Stick to a routine. A divorce or relationship breakup
can disrupt almost every area of your life,
amplifying feelings of stress, uncertainty, and
chaos. Getting back to a regular routine can provide
a comforting sense of structure and normalcy.
Take a time out. Try not to make any major
decisions in the first few months after a separation
or divorce, like starting a new job or moving to a
new city. If you can, wait until youre feeling less
emotional so that you can make better decisions.
Avoid using alcohol, drugs, or food to cope. When
youre in the middle of a breakup, you may be
tempted to do anything to relieve your feelings of
pain and loneliness. But using alcohol, drugs, or
food as an escape is unhealthy and destructive in
the long run. Its essential to find healthier ways of
coping with painful feelings.
Explore new interests. A divorce or breakup is a
beginning as well as an end. Take the opportunity
to explore new interests and activities. Pursuing
fun, new activities gives you a chance to enjoy life
253

in the here-and-now, rather than dwelling on the


past.
LEARNING IMPORTANT LESSONS FROM A
DIVORCE OR BREAKUP
In times of emotional crisis, there is an opportunity
to grow and learn. Just because you are feeling
emptiness in your life right now, doesnt mean that
nothing is happening or that things will never
change. Consider this period a time-out, a time for
sowing the seeds for new growth. You can emerge
from this experience knowing yourself better and
feeling stronger. In order to fully accept a breakup
and move on, you need to understand what
happened and acknowledging the part you played.
Its important to understand how the choices you
made affected the relationship. Learning from your
mistakes is the key to not repeating them.
SOME QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:
Step back and look at the big picture. How did you
contribute to the problems of the relationship?
Do you tend to repeat the same mistakes or choose
the wrong person in relationship after relationship?
Think about how you react to stress and deal with
conflict and insecurities. Could you act in a more
constructive way?
Consider whether or not you accept other people
the way they are, not the way they could or
should be. Examine your negative feelings as a
254

starting point for change. Are you in control of your


feelings, or are they in control of you?
Youll need to be honest with yourself during this
part of the healing process. Try not to dwell on who
is to blame or beat yourself up over your mistakes.
As you look back on the relationship, you have an
opportunity to learn more about yourself, how you
relate to others, and the problems you need to work
on. If you are able to objectively examine your own
choices and behavior, including the reasons why
you chose your former partner, youll be able to see
where you went wrong and make better choices
next time.
MAKING HEALTHY CHOICES:
Eat well, sleep well, and exercise.
When youre going through the stress of a divorce
or breakup, healthy habits easily fall by the
wayside. You might find yourself not eating at all or
overeating your favorite junk foods. Exercise might
be harder to fit in because of the added pressures at
home and sleep might be elusive. But all of the
work you are doing to move forward in a positive
way will be pointless if you dont make long-term
healthy lifestyle choices.
PRECAUTIONS TO STOP BREAK UP
Break up is a common feature in a relationship.
Nobody expects it but it happens in many
relationships. In this modern age break up has
255

become so common that maximum relationship is


facing it. Though no people wants to face this
situation. There are many effects of break up.
Sometimes a guy becomes disappointed and
sometimes a girl becomes. But In reality in most of
this cases girl leaves a guy with a break up letter.
There are many causes of breakup of a relationship.
The main reason is the real love is being finished.
People have forgotten to love anybody from his
heart. When the basis of relationship is so weak
then the journey is going to be small. Besides these
reason there are some another reasons which causes
also break up. But main problems are from girl side.
No confidence and no control over relationship are
also some reasons. Some measures can be taken or
some systems can be followed to keep a relationship
alive. If a guy can follow these rules then the chance
of break up is less. LiKE,
Women are such creation who all time searches for
better alternatives. when a girl is with a guy then
she looks for another guy who is better than
present. According to strategy about 40 % girl has
left one relationship when she got a top class
celebrity. Because girls are fond of power and fame.
When they get a more powerful man they become
attracted to him. And another important matter is
girls wait for their dream man. When a girl does not
get her dream man in her boyfriend she becomes
frustrated and as a results break up happens. Here
256

the main opportunity is for Guys if they can acquire


these qualities then a girl has nothing to want.
For the guys to make a relationship must be
prepared for the relationship. Acquire those
qualities to make a girl attracted to you. This does
not mean that you have to be rich and handsome.
But Rich is not having a huge wealth and handsome
does not mean to be fair or good looking. At the
point of rich you will have to rich from your mind
and be handsome from your inside. At the matter of
rich and powerful you dont need to say a girl that
you are powerful and you have a lot of money. Just
behave like it that you are actually powerful.
Women want to fall in love with that guy who can
protect them so that they can feel secure with him.
Use your best qualities before a girl. Make her
believed that you are the perfect guy for her.
DONT GIVE A CHANCE TO YOUR
GIRLFRIEND TO BREAK UP.
When you loves your girlfriend a lot dont say any
time that I love you so much and never leave me
then You are the dream girl of my life, I am not so
that I deserve you These languages make a girl
more confident than she is. She started to think that
she is the girl for you but you are not the right guy
for her. Then there comes a chance of break up. If
you want to make a successful relationship you
must behave like man, like a perfect man.

257

Before loving a girl create love with yourself. When


you will be confident on yourself then go towards a
relationship.
Understanding common reasons why relationships
end can help you take immediate steps to prevent
breakup. Pushing your spouse too hard to change
or do things your way is one of the most common
reasons for relationship breakups. If you force or
manipulate your spouse to change or try to control
him / her, it may end up in a breakup. In a
relationship, you should not expect your life partner
to change fully. The character of a person is not
something that can be changed easily. If you
repeatedly try to change the way he / she is, it may
bring anger and resentment.
Setting into a boring routine like saying the same
things to your partner or doing the same thing,
going to the same place and doing the same things
for dates can kill the pleasure in your relationship
and lead to breakup. It is quite common that you
want to stay within your comfort zone. However,
you need to take some simple steps to keep things
exciting at least once in a month. You can give little
surprises to your partner. This can help you
maintain a long lasting relationship. Infidelity is one
of the main reasons for divorce among men and
women in Australia.

258

The risk of relationship breakup is more if one or


both of the partners have an affair. Some
personality characteristics and behaviors can cause
relationship dissolution. If you have drug or alcohol
abuse problems, gambling, jealousy issues or
mental illness, the chances of your partner and you
breaking up increase. Physical and emotional
violence are other obvious reasons for breakup and
divorce. Often women are the victims of physical
and emotional violence.
External pressures can also cause relationship
breakups. If you have any physical or mental
illness, it may increase stress in your relationship
and reduce marital satisfaction. Financial problems
can also cause breakups. Financial hardships can
increase emotional stress, depression and reduce
self esteem, causing or exacerbating tensions in the
relationship that contribute to breakdown.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

QUOTES ON HOW TO GET OVER


BREAKUP IN A RELATIONSHIP
Its time for quotes.
This time its going to be a collection of some of the
most inspiring break up quotes.
What is it that is so fascinating about break up
quotes anyway?
First of all, they help us to realize that we have are
not alone out there. People have suffered from
broken hearts back through hundreds of years.
Thinking that you are alone with your break up is
not as absurd as many of you perhaps might think.
One of the main characteristics of break up is that
we are overcome with overwhelming loneliness.
Knowing that other people have had this problem
too, and survived, gives you comfort and strength
to hang in there.
On the other side, its always helpful to see another
angle. Artists especially seem to have a different
view of the world and life, there gift is to enliven
the unaware. They help us to understand what we
may already know in minds, but the feeling in our
heart resist believing.

259

260

So, Ive compile some major most inspiring break


up quotes for you, which not only sound good, but
actually make you feel better and more positive
about the future if you are going through a break
up right now.
Here are the quotes
(1)
(2)
(3)

(4)

It is better to have loved and lost than never


to have loved at all
You have to forgive to forget, and forget, to
feel again
If you really have something set it free. If it
comes back its yours, if not it wasnt meant to
be yours.

(8)

Im going to smile and make you think Im


happy, Im going to laugh, so you dont see
me cry, Im going to let you go in style, and
even if you kills me. I am going to smile

(9)

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional

(10) I dont miss him; I miss who I thought he


was
(11) "If in this lifetime, I wont get to have you, I'll
make sure that if I meet you in my next life I
wont have to think twice on saying that "I waited a
lifetime to say I love you..."

(12) "Moving on is simple, it's what you leave


behind that makes it so difficult"

Those who do not know how to weep with


their whole heart do not know how to laugh
either
Some people think that its holding on that
makes one strong; sometime its letting go.

(13) "If someone you love hurts you cry a river,


build a bridge, and get over it."

(6)

Relationships are like glass, sometime its


better to leave them broken than try to hurt
yourself putting it back again

(7)

The loss of love is not nearly as painful as


our resistance to accepting it is

(15) "Im going to smile and make you think Im


happy, Im going to laugh, so you dont see
me cry, Im going to let you go in style, and
even if it kills me- Im going to smile."

(5)

(14) "Never be sad for what is over, just be glad


that it was once yours."

(16) "Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will


flow back and soften and purify the heart."
261

262

(17) Its better to have loved and lost than never


to have loved at all."

(27) "There is a time for departure even when


there's no certain place to go."

(18) "The way to love anything is to realize that it


might be lost."

(28) "When we live with resentment toward


another our hearts close down. Letting go of
our resentment frees us from placing blame
on them and allows us to look toward our self
for peace."

(19) Giving someone all your love is not an


insurance that they will love you back.
(20) Ever has it been that love knows not its own
depth until the hour of separation.
(21) Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss,
and ends with a teardrop.
(22) The hottest love has the coldest end.
(23) Better never to have met you in my dream
than to wake and reach for hands that are not
there.

(29) For all sad words of tongue and pen, the


saddest are these, 'It might have been.
(30) It takes a couple seconds to say Hello, but
forever to say Goodbye.
(31) There's this place in me where your finger
prints still rest... you're kisses still linger and
your whispers softly echo... It's the place
where a part of you will forever be a part of
me.
(32) I miss you a little, I guess you could say, a
little too much, a little too often, and a little
more each day.

(24) Before marriage, a man yearns for the


woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y'
becomes silent!
(25) You spend so much time making everyone
else happy that you fail to realize you are
absolutely miserable!!

(33) Here's to the men we love, here's to the men


that love us... Since the men that we love,
aren't the men that love us. Screw the men.
Here's to us.

(26) A happy marriage is a long conversation


which always seems too short.
263

264

(34) Im going to smile and make you think Im


happy, Im going to laugh, so you dont see
me cry, Im going to let you go in style, and
even if it kills me- Im going to smile.

(41) And I shall find some girl perhaps, and a


better one than you, with eyes as wise, but
kindlier, and lips as soft, but true, and I
daresay she will do.

(35) There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight,


and there's nothing I can say to make her feel
alright.

(42) The stupidest mistake in life is thinking the


one who hurt you the most, won't hurt you
again.

(36) You don't die from a broken heart - you only


wish you did.

(43) A love is just around the corner but... A true


love is a million miles away.

(37) Usually when people are sad, they don't do


anything. They just cry over their condition.
But when they get angry, they bring about
a change.

(44) At first I was afraid to meet you, then I was


afraid to kiss you, then I was afraid to love
you, now I'm afraid to lose you.

(38) The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon,


but that we wait so long to begin it.
(39) Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than try to hurt
yourself
putting
it
back
together.
(40) I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't
know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel
better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really
great outfit, I'll break up with someone on
purpose.

(45) "God gave us 2 ears to hear, 2 eyes to see, 2


hands to hold. But why did God only give us
one heart? Because he wants us to find the
other one."
(46) "God in heaven, God above please protect
someone that I love, sent with a smile, sealed
with a kiss.... I love the one who's reading
this!"
(47) "I'm so blessed, theres no space in my heart to
wish anybody any ill"
(48) "When it comes to you, you can have
everything!"

265

266

(49) "Be happy when God answers your prayers,


but be more thankful when God makes you
the answer to someone else" prayer."
(50) Love is a path to the heart that knows its own
way.
It is a great accomplishment for realize that we
loved a concept, a picture we had in our minds,
rather than the person himself. When we break up,
its this concept we miss, and what causes the pain
is the failure of the same. The minute we realize
this, we can kick our Exes from the pedestal.
These were some of the best inspiration break up
quotes. They teach us about detachment, the
necessity to forgive and let go, to live life to the
fullest with all its dark sides, acceptance, neurolinguistic programming, mental control and the
existence of false pictures.
All virtues for overcoming a break up, and or that
arduous task.
I wish you all the best.
Thanks.

267

268