Passion's Killing Floor (in English)

Original written by: Irina Sharova

Translated in English by: Irina Sharova

Awakening from a short dream doesn't promise release from unpleasant memories
of a nightmare in which I had to hide from the monsters created by sick
imagination, bothering with infinite threats to find me anywhere and tear me apart.
Their uterine growl and ominous laughter chases me everywhere and doesn't wish
to let me go for anything, give a chance to take a deep breath, full of confidence
and the same balanced exhalation. I get used to the creations of evil as quickly as
to daily round of a night watchman for the purpose of checking whether has
covered from his eyes, ubiquitous and attentive to the smallest details. Sometimes
he looks at me, sleeping disturbingly once again or spending the whole day having
contracted in a lump in a dark corner of the chamber. He sees again how I almost
lie on the floor, having overhung my body from an uncomfortable rigid bed. He
sees how I shudder and freeze in my dream with the only one view of the monsters
generated by the dimmed mind. He perfectly understands that he can't help me in
anything and passes by slowly. And I writhe in reality in the imagined pain which I
feel by each cell of my body, I open my mouth in a soundless shout and grab the
air with my arms as if it's the only hope for salvation, my own panacea. And at last
life forces leave me and hardly heard, silently I fall on the cold concrete floor and
wake up.

It seems all as always but I feel by all the interior that this night brought something
new in a habitual numbed order of things. All is the same, as hundreds of days ago,
but this night there in a dream appeared somebody who decided to make my
existence, which stopped to seem to be a normal life for an unknown period of
time, even more gloomy, cruel and intolerable. He appeared when nothing
portended any trouble and the future opened once for me a huge number of fine
opportunities for overcoming of temporary difficulties and a prompt take-off to an
implementation of such, apparently, far mad dreams and plans, impracticable in
reality. But he ruined everything, destroyed the air castles created by me, returned
to a disgusting reality and showed me the true side of reality where indifference
and hypocrisy, pretense and lies undividedly dominate and where there is no place
on the guilty earth for as innocent and too correct creations as myself. He forced
me to forget about former moral values and send kindness and excessive sensitivity

to hell, reminded every minute that it is time to adapt to new conditions and live in
style of the majority. I am grateful to him with all my heart and soul but it doesn't
mean that I reconciled and an act made by me, because of which I have got to this
den where behind bars the same young guys and girls, who haven't learned their
lives, expect for their death hour, proves it quite well.

***
I knew perfectly that that day when it happened is adverse according to the
forecasts of the changeable weather forecasters and bears in itself almost inaudible
by only someones negative power. The evil soared in air, reminding of itself in
every possible way by numerous incidents: continuous messages about
continuation of military operations in hot spots of the planet, any crises in world
powerful countries and various misadventures in small towns and big cities of a set
of the countries broke off constantly renewed news feeds on social networks and
rattled in every-hour television programmes on full loudness. I was so tired of
these nasty things that I decided to be distracted at least by a couple of hours from
a continuous stream of mucks, having walked through the streets of a native and
strange at the same time for me town. The route made by me was investigated up
and down, and unexpectedly I curtailed into the lane hidden from curious eyes. In
total it was okay but the only feeling of something life-threatening was constantly
following me while I was going. Suddenly somewhere far away a female voice
was heard, begging to leave alone and stop. It was answered by a rough man's
voice which ordered constantly to shut up and give money immediately. Without
having reached that place where the disgrace was, something horrible what I could
hardly prevent presented vividly to me: in the place unknown to anybody which
was the distant end of the lane which was unknown to me a thirty year-old man
was raping rigidly a young girl, having put to her throat a knife as sharp as an edge
of the perfected razor and demanded to give him all the money in the victim's
purse. I understood at once where everything was happening and even a minute
didn't pass when I caught the criminal unawared. Imperceptibly I approached the
man and said, trying to make my voice as rough as it was possible:

"Once again you touch the girl, and I will kill you".

The man probably didn't hear my words at first so I had to knock him down on
earth by force which was taken from an unknown reason. The unfortunate victim
burst into tears even stronger and passed out of sight hardly moving on her legs
with fear.

"Well, and what will you do to me, little one?" the man asked me. "Rescuing
people is not your business. Go away from here".

I can't still understand what happened to me then but I attacked the criminal and
squeezed my hands around his neck with unknown force and begun smothering the
hated person at the present moment, saying at the same time:

"So that is all only for you, asshole. Die so that nobody could never remember you,
monster".

The tyrant was losing his last forces when strangers' voices were heard behind my
back and someone grabbed and dragged me far away from that place. I tried to
escape from those people as hard as I could sanp at the police officers' requests to
calm down and go back home. The only thing they had to do was to take me away
in a site and put in prison for a murder attempt, as they declared then. I tried to
explain all the essence of the situation that took place but it was like they didn't
even hear and listen to me. Having killed that bastard, I considered that I could
somehow help the society, however already no one paid much attention to what
was happening in the town. The crimes grew to huge scales there and all attempts
to reach the highest authorities in order to explain them what occurs now were
stopped in any ways and the powerful ones of this world didn't report about all the
crimes that happened daily and repeatedly.

Shortly a judge announced the sentence: death penalty by hanging. I wasn't

surprised to it at all and, to admit honestly, I wished to die long ago because only in
death I saw the only decision to leave the community of homo debilous, embittered
and not recognizing outdated moral values. And here the suitable case turned up.
The end of the life lived in vain will be extremely fast, if it is possible even to tell,
instant, without long tortures and preludes to an execution of the sentence. But

before it the last conversation with a personality unknown to me for the final
recognition of my fault was coming. I am certainly guilty that I went against the
strong system mechanism, as old as the world, but at the same time I didn't realize
my fault completely because I considered by business right.

***
It was left to live several hours or, if to be more precisely, several minutes.
Insufferably heavy air presses on me, full of an almost inaudible smell of death
coming closer every moment and despair which is never coming to the end. I was
so tired of expecting of the end of my gloomy tortures that I almost got used to a
surrounding situation and I am almost ready, morally and physically, to say
goodbye to the hateful world in which nothing sacred is left anymore. But at the
same time somewhere deep inside the fear of dying so early is hidden because I
surely know that somewhere far away from this place close relatives and friends of
mine worry about me. Though who can worry about me now? Too much time
passed that they remembered someone except themselves and, most likely, they
safely forgot about such a freak of nature as me who hasn't done anything good,
wasted time for nothing, having spent itself for unnecessary affairs and
unnecessary people and simply prevented everyone to create their own model of
life which was really worth living.

Through an iron lattice of a tiny window the first beams of the rising sun are seen
and the city wakes up gradually. People are awoken from a deep sleep and continue
to hurry eternally somewhere in order not to notice the bright gleams of a common
sense. The prisoners in chambers begin to whisper to one another and assume what
the people, once dear to them, are expecting of today, having forgotten about them
a long time ago and being busy with the same affairs as an uncountable amount of
time back. The law enforcement officers will come for me very soon, therefore
while there is some time, it is necessary to thank the God finally at least for
everything that happened to me and I fall down on my bloody knees, put my hands
in a prayful gesture and hardly heard I whisper the words proceeding from my soul
and all depth of my heart passing beats. I thank the Creator for everything that was
in my life, for each pleasures and misfortunes, achievements and misses, prompt
takes-off and unexpected fallings, for the saved-up life experience, but to all other
happinesses I thank the God for the long-awaited death. From outside it looks and
sounds blasphemously but during those minutes I didn't regret at all what escaped

from my bored body and my fierce soul. I was infinitively glad that very soon from
this world the unnecessary person will disappear, who plainly did not even reach
anything large-scale within the certain city or state. But soon I had to interrupt as
the familiar sounds of a key turning were heard behind my back. Two unknown
hiding their faces disfigured by a gloating grimace behing big hoods of their long
black cloaks entered the chamber and one of them said: it's time. Having heard it, I
wasn't disturbed by it at all, I slowly got up, straightened my angular shoulders and
hardly pronounced only three words which proved that now I am afraid of nothing:
I am ready.

***
Cold air hardly touches a rough surface of the concrete floor, sending its streams in
the direction, unknown to nobody except it. Darkness of the corridor seeming to be
infinitive is cut by a glaring light of searchlights covered with dust and spots of a
various origin. My legs carry me to this place where it will be last time possible to
recognize that I have made an awful mistake and I can frankly admit an act done
my myself. However, an obstinacy which sat down deep inside prevents to be
given to the command of fate, and I am still sure of my own innocence because, if
you allow to repeat, I don't consider I have made something bad, deserving such a
severe punishment by all means. The unknown in long black cloaks, going behind
me, watch sharp-sightedly that I should not curtail from my way and remind once
again what expects me before the process of the sentence's execution. Oh dear, and
even without you I perfectly know what will be, it isn't necessary to tell the words
learnt by heart thousand times! I am sick and tired of your excessive correctness!
You would better ask whether I am afraid or not. To tell the truth, I am a little bit,
but nevertheless I am ready to my death.

An intolerable pain pierced my interior when I was passing by a chamber where

was a young boy who once was a friend to me, if, of course, it is possible to call a
friendship what was between us when both of us got to an asylum with an identical
diagnosis - the progressing schizophrenia. Our doctor, a true vamp woman,
crippled our lives with compulsory treatment and hourly interrogations about our
internal state. However she managed to forget that before that terror she broke us
morally as the guy was completely in love with her but she refused to him and she
also disgraced me at one of the city competitions. I still remember her eyes burning
with gloating when she was telling everyone bad things about me though they

perfectly understood that everything that swine was telling was total lies. We
couldn't forgive her in any way and we developed a common plan of our revenge.
However it didn't manage to be carried out fully because my "companion" had
secretly given our intentions to one of the asylum attendants and that's why he
became a traitor for me forever.

In his look of his eyes which were tired and got used to the gloomy darkness there
was an inexpressible rage and when I was passing him by he only said:

"I wish you to die fast, nasty rubbish".

"Wish you the same," I answered.

It remained a very little destination to the appointed place but also before that my
heart passed a beat again as in one of the chambers there was a young girl who
didn't reached her full age yet and with whom we madly wanted to make our
common but, unfortunately, not having become real, dream come true of an ancient
castle's revival where there lived a married couple who was seen for us in the form
of the ghosts, having asked us to help them to find a long-awaited rest and peace.
They told us that a very long time ago they wished the justice to set in their native
town and they did everything possible to achieve it. However instead of
recognition they received only sneers in their address from the society surrounding
them and contempt from the authorities. Then the young ones conceived to move
heaven and earth upside down, having decided to overthrow an old hypocrite
governor. But alas, they didn't manage as the ubiquitous spies had reported in the
highest authorities about that and eventually the husband and his wife were put in
prison where they soon died from an unknown illness.

A new friend of mine and I made a decision to remind everyone about the
innocently dead couple. Wherever we appealed, it is hard enough to remember. But
instead of approval of our alleged actions we came across uncountable refusals to
help us. Besides, we were declared mentally ill and threatened to be sent for the
compulsory treatment in the asylum. And soon that happened. What was after is
hard to remember without crying rivers of tears. And this girl, with whom we

became close friends, recently wished me not to be afraid of anything and she also
added a few words:

"I am always with you, even after death, remember it," her low voice reached me
from the depth of the closed space of the chamber.

"Thank you very much. See you soon in hell. Even there, I hope, we will be able to
recognize each other".

Salty streams of tears covered my cheeks but I mustn't give in to the momentary
weakness, therefore I put myself together just when finally I reached the right
place. Then unknkown dressed in a black cloak opened a creaking iron door and
ordered me to enter. I did what I had to do and after that I was left alone with the
gloom surrounding me everywhere, all my fears and doubts and at the same time
intentions to come over everything that I had to come over, even if it will cost
inhuman efforts.

However I didn't managed to reconcile to my future fate as in the dark invisibly

there was the one whom I was afraid to see before myself most of all. It was him,
my personal devil who makes my life miserable with the only his presence, my
personal uniquitous hallucination chasing me constantly and not leaving the
slighest chance to live a peaceful life. It is intolerable to look at his body entirely
covered with intricate patterns of tattoos, a little womanly features and it is
especially hard to look in his eyes burning my soul through. He silently
approached me, touched my face with his hand. The cold holding down all inside
blew from his soft touch.

"I'm truly sorry that your life is going to end, having just begun," he has started to
speak. "You are so young, so innocent... Forgive me if I confuse or even frighten
you. I know that I don't make an impression of a person who is capable of sincere
feelings, but believe me. Such a thing happens to me for the first time..."

His next words amazed me, although I understood perfectly that he was telling lies,
even in spite of the fact that we looked in the eyes of each other.

"When I see you, I lose my mind literally. It is such a madness, don't you think?"
he began whispering. "I hope you feel to me at least a half of what I feel to you.
Please make a frank recognition, it's in your interests, isn't it? Just... I would like to
see tou more often as only these rare meetings with you will be a kind of resue for
my semi-burned-down soul. Life inprisonment is better than death, don't you think
so? Besides, I will try to pull you out of here, only if you want. You'll run away
with me and your life will become even much better, don't you trust me?"

He isn't able to tell the truth, it's not in his rules and his nature. I perfectly
understood it while he was scattering in such florid turns that even most classics of
the world literature would envy him. In any case not just their majority, all of them
would consider that he had no equal in verbal skills.

"I see doubt in your eyes but you don't need it, please don't doubt. Your uncertainty
breaks my heart".

Having said those words, he held me tight. His confused, burning breath left
invisible tags on my neck and shoulders. But it can't proceed so long as the death
came for me and opened its dangerous embraces. It was a high time to answer
something, firstly in order not to give in the temptation threatening to me. And
secondly, already long ago I wanted to tell him what I couldn't even think of
earlier. It's all because of an excessive control of the family and strict following of
vital laws and rules. And now the time has come to throw off my perfectionism
fetters preventing to live normally.

"Everything you've just said is total lies. You have come for me not to rescue me,"
at last I managed to slip out of his strong hands. "You have come with the purpose
to force me to curtail from the right way and follow you where nothing but endless
tortures are waiting for me. This hell doesn't promise anything good and eternal
pacification instead of sufferings during my lifetime. Your poetry won't be carved
in flesh because you, not me, got used to this beautiful hell of yours. There's no

place for both of us, only for you. You make confess to the deadliest sin of
humanity and you're looking forward to the moment when I pronounce the desired
words and your eyes will be filled with tears of joy. I surely know that there will be
no salvation for me and no place in heaven where the disdigured saints incessantly
cry out their prophecies of doom in an absolute emptiness full of genuine horror. If
I let you kiss me, the seeds of hatred to everything what I valued and loved so
much will be sown in my soul. You call me to come with you in an utter darkness
where at the first opportunity you will tear my heart out of my fragile breast and
while I will be losing contact with the world where I couldn't find my place you
will be persuading me that I will be able to find rest and peace in the grave. Please
understand, I already have the grave in my heart where an uncountable quantity of
what is valuable to me is buried inside. "My heart's a graveyard, baby..."

"And to evil we make love

On our passion's killing floor.
In my arms you won't sleep safely
And of lust we are reborn
On our passion's killing floor".

"Your passion's killing floor, to be more precisely," I noticed. "I will hardly have
any relation to this because I feel nothing since the moment you appeared in my
life. Yes, I'm a heartless creature, and you don't have to look at me so with such
astonishment. You know what is it like - dying slowly and painfully, even without
realizing it at all. Therefore you shouldn't throw your words out, for me they sound
extremely unconvincing".

With a gentle and persistent at the same time touch of his lips to mine the first
seeds of hatred were sown inside me to any creature living on this rotten through
planet and the veil of contempt for everything that was around me that time began
to shroud all my essence more and stronger. Just now I realized that everything
awful and horrible that had happened to me should have made me strong, more
confident and able to fight back at the right time. However instead of it all I
received in exchange only constant fear to do something not as it was necessary to
me or other people, I lost my self-confidence and faith in my abilities which didn't

have any effect in those days when a magnificent opportunity to show all my best
was given. And for all this I hated myself more and more while everyone told me
that it was wrong, it was necessary to love and accept myself as I was naturally.
What the hell did those goddamn people know about me to judge my nature? They
made hasty conclusions that I'm too strange and differ very much from a stupid
degrading herd of geeks and scums who managed to catch their fortune and
succeeded in their lives in general. And I still remained a silly human, driven into
the corner, a black sheep who never was needed to anyone.

Inhuman pain pierced my body and more and more stronger I felt how I literally
turn inside out. Each bone was breaking with a terrible crash and interiors were
being broken off into small pieces by invisible parasites. And I understood
perfectly what these infernal tortures mean. I was suffering for everything bad I've
done for myself and the society of people surrounding me for whom it was
absolutely indifferent what this organism made of flesh and blood littering the
planet hid behind itself. Inhuman groans and cries which could frighten the most
fearless and courageous of all the people were coming out of the interior. Suddenly
I felt myself gradually coming off the surface of the floor and soaring up in the air
overfilled with horror, just like poor Linda Blair on the shooting of "The exorcist".
But if in that case the priest and his assistant were trying at least with strong and
confident prayers to expel from the girl's body one of the ominous beings, known
to all types of sciences existing and invented by sick mind, then the God's word
would hardly help with my case. I felt myself being filled with inexpressible hatred
and contempt to everything that has the insignificant right to live on this old rottenthrough planet. The special feeling was filling me at the moment to the one who
was watching my metamorphoses with the dropped jaw literally. He couldn't find
any rational explanation for the transformarion happening to me in any way and
only helplessly watched how I jar from the overflowing feelings.

Finally my tortures stopped and I touched the cold concrete floor with my
extremities. From my throat came the shout full of despair and helplessness,
replaced after that with an ominous growl. Instead of my normal eyes I had a
frightening emptiness gradually being filled with an impenetrable gloom.

"For what?" he could only utter.

"For everything good," answered the voices of my demons hiding under the masks
of a kind and self-unconfident soul. But after that I started speaking with my
normal voice gradually approaching my devil, not leaving him the slightest chance
to escape my arms:

"Now look at what you've done to me. Am I what you wanted to join you, follow
you and carry out all your whims and desires? No, my dear. I's better die than be
with you".

With those words the sound of breaking bones was heard and in my hands covered
with blood his fragile beating heart appeared. I was quietly observing him writhing
in pain and begging me to stop those intolerable tortures. But I remained to be
indifferent to his sufferings and was watching him dying insufferably slowly.

A long period of time has passed after this strange occasion happened but since
then I began to decide who will live and who will die. Because you all know...

" My heart's a graveyard... ".