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Here Is The Powerful Letter The Stanford

Victim Read Aloud To HerAttacker
A former Stanford swimmer who sexually assaulted an unconscious woman was sentenced to
six months in jail because a longer sentence would have a severe impact on him, according to
a judge. At his sentencing Thursday, his victim read him a letter describing the severe impact
the assault had on her.
Katie J.M. Baker
BuzzFeed News Reporter

posted on Jun. 3, 2016, at 3:17 p.m.

OnenightinJanuary2015,twoStanfordUniversitygraduatestudentsbikingacross
campusspottedafreshmanthrustinghisbodyontopofanunconscious,halfnaked
womanbehindadumpster.ThisMarch,aCaliforniajuryfoundtheformerstudent,20
yearoldBrockAllenTurner,guiltyofthreecountsofsexualassault.Turnerfaceda
maximumof14yearsinstateprison.OnThursday,hewassentencedtosixmonthsin
countyjailandprobation.Thejudgesaidhefearedalongersentencewouldhaveasevere
impactonTurner,achampionswimmerwhoonceaspiredtocompeteintheOlympics
apointrepeatedlybroughtupduringthetrial.
OnThursday,Turnersvictimaddressedhimdirectly,detailingthesevereimpacthis
actionshadonherfromthenightshelearnedshehadbeenassaultedbyastranger
whileunconscious,tothegruelingtrialduringwhichTurnersattorneysarguedthatshe
hadeagerlyconsented.
Thewoman,now23,toldBuzzFeedNewsshewasdisappointedwiththegentlesentence
andangrythatTurnerstilldeniedsexuallyassaultingher.
Evenifthesentenceislight,hopefullythiswillwakepeopleup,shesaid.Iwantthe
judgetoknowthatheignitedatinyfire.Ifanything,thisisareasonforallofustospeak
evenlouder.
Sheprovidedherstatement,printedinfullbelow,toBuzzFeedNews.

YourHonor,ifitisallright,forthemajorityofthisstatementIwouldliketoaddress
thedefendantdirectly.
Youdontknowme,butyouvebeeninsideme,andthatswhywereheretoday.
OnJanuary17th,2015,itwasaquietSaturdaynightathome.Mydadmadesomedinner
andIsatatthetablewithmyyoungersisterwhowasvisitingfortheweekend.Iwas
workingfulltimeanditwasapproachingmybedtime.Iplannedtostayathomeby
myself,watchsomeTVandread,whileshewenttoapartywithherfriends.Then,I
decideditwasmyonlynightwithher,Ihadnothingbettertodo,sowhynot,theresa
dumbpartytenminutesfrommyhouse,Iwouldgo,dancelikeafool,andembarrassmy
youngersister.Onthewaythere,Ijokedthatundergradguyswouldhavebraces.Mysister
teasedmeforwearingabeigecardigantoafratpartylikealibrarian.Icalledmyselfbig
mama,becauseIknewIdbetheoldestonethere.Imadesillyfaces,letmyguarddown,
anddrankliquortoofastnotfactoringinthatmytolerancehadsignificantlyloweredsince
college.

ThenextthingIrememberIwasinagurneyinahallway.Ihaddriedbloodandbandages
onthebacksofmyhandsandelbow.IthoughtmaybeIhadfallenandwasinanadmin
officeoncampus.Iwasverycalmandwonderingwheremysisterwas.Adeputyexplained
Ihadbeenassaulted.Istillremainedcalm,assuredhewasspeakingtothewrongperson.I
knewnooneatthisparty.WhenIwasfinallyallowedtousetherestroom,Ipulleddown
thehospitalpantstheyhadgivenme,wenttopulldownmyunderwear,andfeltnothing.I
stillrememberthefeelingofmyhandstouchingmyskinandgrabbingnothing.Ilooked
downandtherewasnothing.Thethinpieceoffabric,theonlythingbetweenmyvagina
andanythingelse,wasmissingandeverythinginsidemewassilenced.Istilldonthave
wordsforthatfeeling.Inordertokeepbreathing,Ithoughtmaybethepolicemenused
scissorstocutthemoffforevidence.

You dont
know me, but
youve been
inside me, and
thats why were
here today.

Then,Ifeltpineneedlesscratchingthebackofmy
neckandstartedpullingthemoutmyhair.Ithought
maybe,thepineneedleshadfallenfromatreeonto
myhead.Mybrainwastalkingmygutintonot
collapsing.Becausemygutwassaying,helpme,help
me.
Ishuffledfromroomtoroomwithablanket
wrappedaroundme,pineneedlestrailingbehind

me,IleftalittlepileineveryroomIsatin.IwasaskedtosignpapersthatsaidRape
VictimandIthoughtsomethinghasreallyhappened.MyclotheswereconfiscatedandI
stoodnakedwhilethenursesheldarulertovariousabrasionsonmybodyand
photographedthem.Thethreeofusworkedtocombthepineneedlesoutofmyhair,six
handstofillonepaperbag.Tocalmmedown,theysaiditsjustthefloraandfauna,flora
andfauna.Ihadmultipleswabsinsertedintomyvaginaandanus,needlesforshots,pills,
hadaNikonpointedrightintomyspreadlegs.Ihadlong,pointedbeaksinsidemeand
hadmyvaginasmearedwithcold,bluepainttocheckforabrasions.
Afterafewhoursofthis,theyletmeshower.Istoodthereexaminingmybodybeneaththe
streamofwateranddecided,Idontwantmybodyanymore.Iwasterrifiedofit,Ididnt
knowwhathadbeeninit,ifithadbeencontaminated,whohadtouchedit.Iwantedto
takeoffmybodylikeajacketandleaveitatthehospitalwitheverythingelse.
Onthatmorning,allthatIwastoldwasthatIhadbeenfoundbehindadumpster,
potentiallypenetratedbyastranger,andthatIshouldgetretestedforHIVbecauseresults
dontalwaysshowupimmediately.Butfornow,Ishouldgohomeandgetbacktomy
normallife.Imaginesteppingbackintotheworldwithonlythatinformation.Theygave
mehugehugsandIwalkedoutofthehospitalintotheparkinglotwearingthenew
sweatshirtandsweatpantstheyprovidedme,astheyhadonlyallowedmetokeepmy
necklaceandshoes.

Mysisterpickedmeup,facewetfromtearsandcontortedinanguish.Instinctivelyand
immediately,Iwantedtotakeawayherpain.Ismiledather,Itoldhertolookatme,Im
righthere,Imokay,everythingsokay,Imrighthere.Myhairiswashedandclean,they
gavemethestrangestshampoo,calmdown,andlookatme.Lookatthesefunnynew
sweatpantsandsweatshirt,IlooklikeaP.E.teacher,letsgohome,letseatsomething.
Shedidnotknowthatbeneathmysweatsuit,Ihadscratchesandbandagesonmyskin,my
vaginawassoreandhadbecomeastrange,darkcolorfromalltheprodding,my
underwearwasmissing,andIfelttooemptytocontinuetospeak.ThatIwasalsoafraid,
thatIwasalsodevastated.Thatdaywedrovehomeandforhoursinsilencemyyounger
sisterheldme.
Myboyfrienddidnotknowwhathappened,butcalledthatdayandsaid,Iwasreally
worriedaboutyoulastnight,youscaredme,didyoumakeithomeokay?Iwashorrified.
ThatswhenIlearnedIhadcalledhimthatnightinmyblackout,leftanincomprehensible
voicemail,thatwehadalsospokenonthephone,butIwasslurringsoheavilyhewas
scaredforme,thatherepeatedlytoldmetogofind[mysister].Again,heaskedme,What
happenedlastnight?Didyoumakeithomeokay?Isaidyes,andhunguptocry.
Iwasnotreadytotellmyboyfriendorparentsthatactually,Imayhavebeenrapedbehind
adumpster,butIdontknowbywhoorwhenorhow.IfItoldthem,Iwouldseethefear
ontheirfaces,andminewouldmultiplybytenfold,soinsteadIpretendedthewholething
wasntreal.
Itriedtopushitoutofmymind,butitwassoheavyIdidnttalk,Ididnteat,Ididnt
sleep,Ididntinteractwithanyone.Afterwork,Iwoulddrivetoasecludedplaceto
scream.Ididnttalk,Ididnteat,Ididntsleep,Ididntinteractwithanyone,andIbecame
isolatedfromtheonesIlovedmost.Foroveraweekaftertheincident,Ididntgetany
callsorupdatesaboutthatnightorwhathappenedtome.Theonlysymbolthatproved
thatithadntjustbeenabaddream,wasthesweatshirtfromthehospitalinmydrawer.
Oneday,Iwasatwork,scrollingthroughthenewsonmyphone,andcameacrossan
article.Init,IreadandlearnedforthefirsttimeabouthowIwasfoundunconscious,with
myhairdisheveled,longnecklacewrappedaroundmyneck,brapulledoutofmydress,
dresspulledoffovermyshouldersandpulledupabovemywaist,thatIwasbuttnakedall
thewaydowntomyboots,legsspreadapart,andhadbeenpenetratedbyaforeignobject
bysomeoneIdidnotrecognize.ThiswashowIlearnedwhathappenedtome,sittingat
mydeskreadingthenewsatwork.Ilearnedwhathappenedtomethesametimeeveryone
elseintheworldlearnedwhathappenedtome.Thatswhenthepineneedlesinmyhair
madesense,theydidntfallfromatree.Hehadtakenoffmyunderwear,hisfingershad
beeninsideofme.Idontevenknowthisperson.Istilldontknowthisperson.WhenI
readaboutmelikethis,Isaid,thiscantbeme,thiscantbeme.Icouldnotdigestor
acceptanyofthisinformation.Icouldnotimaginemyfamilyhavingtoreadaboutthis

online.Ikeptreading.Inthenextparagraph,IreadsomethingthatIwillneverforgiveI
readthataccordingtohim,Ilikedit.Ilikedit.Again,Idonothavewordsforthese
feelings.
Itslikeifyouweretoreadanarticlewhereacarwas
hit,andfounddented,inaditch.Butmaybethecar
enjoyedbeinghit.Maybetheothercardidntmean
tohitit,justbumpitupalittlebit.Carsgetin
accidentsallthetime,peoplearentalwayspaying
attention,canwereallysaywhosatfault.
Andthen,atthebottomofthearticle,afterIlearned
aboutthegraphicdetailsofmyownsexualassault,
thearticlelistedhisswimmingtimes.Shewasfound
breathing,unresponsivewithherunderwearsix
inchesawayfromherbarestomachcurledinfetal
position.Bytheway,hesreallygoodatswimming.

And then, at
the bottom of
the article, after
I learned about
the graphic
details of my
own sexual
assault, the
article listed his
swimming
times.

Throwinmymiletimeifthatswhatweredoing.
Imgoodatcooking,putthatinthere,Ithinktheendiswhereyoulistyour
extracurricularstocanceloutallthesickeningthingsthatvehappened.
ThenightthenewscameoutIsatmyparentsdownandtoldthemthatIhadbeen
assaulted,tonotlookatthenewsbecauseitsupsetting,justknowthatImokay,Imright
here,andImokay.Buthalfwaythroughtellingthem,mymomhadtoholdmebecauseI
couldnolongerstandup.
Thenightafterithappened,hesaidhedidntknowmyname,saidhewouldntbeableto
identifymyfaceinalineup,didntmentionanydialoguebetweenus,nowords,only
dancingandkissing.Dancingisacutetermwasitsnappingfingersandtwirlingdancing,
orjustbodiesgrindingupagainsteachotherinacrowdedroom?Iwonderifkissingwas
justfacessloppilypressedupagainsteachother?Whenthedetectiveaskedifhehad
plannedontakingmebacktohisdorm,hesaidno.Whenthedetectiveaskedhowwe
endedupbehindthedumpster,hesaidhedidntknow.Headmittedtokissingothergirls
atthatparty,oneofwhomwasmyownsisterwhopushedhimaway.Headmittedto
wantingtohookupwithsomeone.Iwasthewoundedantelopeoftheherd,completely
aloneandvulnerable,physicallyunabletofendformyself,andhechoseme.SometimesI
think,ifIhadntgone,thenthisneverwouldvehappened.ButthenIrealized,itwould
havehappened,justtosomebodyelse.Youwereabouttoenterfouryearsofaccessto
drunkgirlsandparties,andifthisisthefootyoustartedoffon,thenitisrightyoudidnot
continue.Thenightafterithappened,hesaidhethoughtIlikeditbecauseIrubbedhis
back.Abackrub.

Nevermentionedmevoicingconsent,nevermentionedusevenspeaking,abackrub.One
moretime,inpublicnews,Ilearnedthatmyassandvaginawerecompletelyexposed
outside,mybreastshadbeengroped,fingershadbeenjabbedinsidemealongwithpine
needlesanddebris,mybareskinandheadhadbeenrubbingagainstthegroundbehinda
dumpster,whileanerectfreshmanwashumpingmyhalfnaked,unconsciousbody.ButI
dontremember,sohowdoIproveIdidntlikeit.
Ithoughttheresnowaythisisgoingtotrialtherewerewitnesses,therewasdirtinmy
body,heranbutwascaught.Hesgoingtosettle,formallyapologize,andwewillboth
moveon.Instead,Iwastoldhehiredapowerfulattorney,expertwitnesses,private
investigatorswhoweregoingtotryandfinddetailsaboutmypersonallifetouseagainst
me,findloopholesinmystorytoinvalidatemeandmysister,inordertoshowthatthis
sexualassaultwasinfactamisunderstanding.Thathewasgoingtogotoanylengthto
convincetheworldhehadsimplybeenconfused.
IwasnotonlytoldthatIwasassaulted,IwastoldthatbecauseIcouldntremember,I
technicallycouldnotproveitwasunwanted.Andthatdistortedme,damagedme,almost
brokeme.ItisthesaddesttypeofconfusiontobetoldIwasassaultedandnearlyraped,
blatantlyoutintheopen,butwedontknowifitcountsasassaultyet.Ihadtofightforan
entireyeartomakeitclearthattherewassomethingwrongwiththissituation.

I was pummeled with narrowed, pointed

questions that dissected my personal life, love
life, past life, family life, inane questions,
accumulating trivial details to try and nd an
excuse for this guy who had me half naked before
even bothering to ask for my name.

WhenIwastoldtobepreparedincasewedidntwin,Isaid,Icantprepareforthat.He
wasguiltytheminuteIwokeup.Noonecantalkmeoutofthehurthecausedme.Worst
ofall,Iwaswarned,becausehenowknowsyoudontremember,heisgoingtogettowrite
thescript.Hecansaywhateverhewantsandnoonecancontestit.Ihadnopower,Ihad
novoice,Iwasdefenseless.Mymemorylosswouldbeusedagainstme.Mytestimonywas
weak,wasincomplete,andIwasmadetobelievethatperhaps,Iamnotenoughtowin
this.Hisattorneyconstantlyremindedthejury,theonlyonewecanbelieveisBrock,
becauseshedoesntremember.Thathelplessnesswastraumatizing.

Insteadoftakingtimetoheal,Iwastakingtimetorecallthenightinexcruciatingdetail,in
ordertopreparefortheattorneysquestionsthatwouldbeinvasive,aggressive,and
designedtosteermeoffcourse,tocontradictmyself,mysister,phrasedinwaysto
manipulatemyanswers.Insteadofhisattorneysaying,Didyounoticeanyabrasions?He
said,Youdidntnoticeanyabrasions,right?Thiswasagameofstrategy,asifIcouldbe
trickedoutofmyownworth.Thesexualassaulthadbeensoclear,butinstead,hereIwas
atthetrial,answeringquestionslike:
Howoldareyou?Howmuchdoyouweigh?Whatdidyoueatthatday?Wellwhatdid
youhavefordinner?Whomadedinner?Didyoudrinkwithdinner?No,notevenwater?
Whendidyoudrink?Howmuchdidyoudrink?Whatcontainerdidyoudrinkoutof?
Whogaveyouthedrink?Howmuchdoyouusuallydrink?Whodroppedyouoffatthis
party?Atwhattime?Butwhereexactly?Whatwereyouwearing?Whywereyougoing
tothisparty?Whatdyoudowhenyougotthere?Areyousureyoudidthat?Butwhat
timedidyoudothat?Whatdoesthistextmean?Whowereyoutexting?Whendidyou
urinate?Wheredidyouurinate?Withwhomdidyouurinateoutside?Wasyourphone
onsilentwhenyoursistercalled?Doyouremembersilencingit?Reallybecauseonpage
53Idliketopointoutthatyousaiditwassettoring.Didyoudrinkincollege?Yousaid
youwereapartyanimal?Howmanytimesdidyoublackout?Didyoupartyatfrats?
Areyouseriouswithyourboyfriend?Areyousexuallyactivewithhim?Whendidyou
startdating?Wouldyouevercheat?Doyouhaveahistoryofcheating?Whatdoyou
meanwhenyousaidyouwantedtorewardhim?Doyourememberwhattimeyouwoke
up?Wereyouwearingyourcardigan?Whatcolorwasyourcardigan?Doyou
rememberanymorefromthatnight?No?Okay,well,wellletBrockfillitin.
Iwaspummeledwithnarrowed,pointedquestionsthatdissectedmypersonallife,love
life,pastlife,familylife,inanequestions,accumulatingtrivialdetailstotryandfindan
excuseforthisguywhohadmehalfnakedbeforeevenbotheringtoaskformyname.After
aphysicalassault,Iwasassaultedwithquestionsdesignedtoattackme,tosaysee,her
factsdontlineup,shesoutofhermind,shespracticallyanalcoholic,sheprobably
wantedtohookup,heslikeanathleteright,theywerebothdrunk,whatever,thehospital
stuffsheremembersisafterthefact,whytakeitintoaccount,Brockhasalotatstakeso
heshavingareallyhardtimerightnow.
AndthenitcametimeforhimtotestifyandIlearnedwhatitmeanttoberevictimized.I
wanttoremindyou,thenightafterithappenedhesaidheneverplannedtotakemeback
tohisdorm.Hesaidhedidntknowwhywewerebehindadumpster.Hegotuptoleave
becausehewasntfeelingwellwhenhewassuddenlychasedandattacked.Thenhe
learnedIcouldnotremember.
Sooneyearlater,aspredicted,anewdialogueemerged.Brockhadastrangenewstory,
almostsoundedlikeapoorlywrittenyoungadultnovelwithkissinganddancingandhand

holdingandlovinglytumblingontotheground,andmostimportantlyinthisnewstory,
therewassuddenlyconsent.Oneyearaftertheincident,heremembered,ohyeah,bythe
waysheactuallysaidyes,toeverything,so.
HesaidhehadaskedifIwantedtodance.ApparentlyIsaidyes.HedaskedifIwantedto
gotohisdorm,Isaidyes.ThenheaskedifhecouldfingermeandIsaidyes.Mostguys
dontask,canIfingeryou?Usuallytheresanaturalprogressionofthings,unfolding
consensually,notaQandA.ButapparentlyIgrantedfullpermission.Hesintheclear.
Eveninhisstory,Ionlysaidatotalofthreewords,yesyesyes,beforehehadmehalf
nakedontheground.Futurereference,ifyouareconfusedaboutwhetheragirlcan
consent,seeifshecanspeakanentiresentence.Youcouldntevendothat.Justone
coherentstringofwords.Wherewastheconfusion?Thisiscommonsense,human
decency.
Accordingtohim,theonlyreasonwewereonthegroundwasbecauseIfelldown.Noteif
agirlfallsdownhelphergetbackup.Ifsheistoodrunktoevenwalkandfallsdown,do
notmounther,humpher,takeoffherunderwear,andinsertyourhandinsidehervagina.
Ifagirlfallsdownhelpherup.Ifsheiswearingacardiganoverherdressdonttakeitoff
sothatyoucantouchherbreasts.Maybesheiscold,maybethatswhysheworethe
cardigan.
Nextinthestory,twoSwedesonbicyclesapproachedyouandyouran.Whentheytackled
youwhydidntsay,Stop!Everythingsokay,goaskher,shesrightoverthere,shelltell
you.Imeanyouhadjustaskedformyconsent,right?Iwasawake,right?Whenthe
policemanarrivedandinterviewedtheevilSwedewhotackledyou,hewascryingsohard
hecouldntspeakbecauseofwhathedseen.
Yourattorneyhasrepeatedlypointedout,wellwedontknowexactlywhenshebecame
unconscious.Andyoureright,maybeIwasstillflutteringmyeyesandwasntcompletely
limpyet.Thatwasneverthepoint.IwastoodrunktospeakEnglish,toodrunktoconsent
waybeforeIwasontheground.Ishouldhaveneverbeentouchedinthefirstplace.Brock
stated,AtnotimedidIseethatshewasnotresponding.IfatanytimeIthoughtshewas
notresponding,Iwouldhavestoppedimmediately.Heresthethingifyourplanwasto
stoponlywhenIbecameunresponsive,thenyoustilldonotunderstand.Youdidnteven
stopwhenIwasunconsciousanyway!Someoneelsestoppedyou.Twoguysonbikes
noticedIwasntmovinginthedarkandhadtotackleyou.Howdidyounotnoticewhile
ontopofme?
Yousaid,youwouldhavestoppedandgottenhelp.Yousaythat,butIwantyoutoexplain
howyouwouldvehelpedme,stepbystep,walkmethroughthis.Iwanttoknow,ifthose
evilSwedeshadnotfoundme,howthenightwouldhaveplayedout.Iamaskingyou
Wouldyouhavepulledmyunderwearbackonovermyboots?Untangledthenecklace
wrappedaroundmyneck?Closedmylegs,coveredme?Pickthepineneedlesfrommy

hair?Askediftheabrasionsonmyneckandbottomhurt?Wouldyouthengofindafriend
andsay,Willyouhelpmegethersomewherewarmandsoft?IdontsleepwhenIthink
aboutthewayitcouldhavegoneifthetwoguyshadnevercome.Whatwouldhave
happenedtome?Thatswhatyoullneverhaveagoodanswerfor,thatswhatyoucant
explainevenafterayear.
Ontopofallthis,heclaimedthatIorgasmedafteroneminuteofdigitalpenetration.The
nursesaidtherehadbeenabrasions,lacerations,anddirtinmygenitalia.Wasthatbefore
orafterIcame?
Tositunderoathandinformallofus,thatyesIwantedit,yesIpermittedit,andthatyou
arethetruevictimattackedbySwedesforreasonsunknowntoyouisappalling,is
demented,isselfish,isdamaging.Itisenoughtobesuffering.Itisanotherthingtohave
someoneruthlesslyworkingtodiminishthegravityofvalidityofthissuffering.
Myfamilyhadtoseepicturesofmyheadstrappedtoagurneyfullofpineneedles,ofmy
bodyinthedirtwithmyeyesclosed,hairmessedup,limbsbent,anddresshikedup.And
evenafterthat,myfamilyhadtolistentoyourattorneysaythepictureswereafterthefact,
wecandismissthem.Tosay,yeshernurseconfirmedtherewasrednessandabrasions
insideher,significanttraumatohergenitalia,butthatswhathappenswhenyoufinger
someone,andhesalreadyadmittedtothat.Tolistentoyourattorneyattempttopainta
pictureofme,thefaceofgirlsgonewild,asifsomehowthatwouldmakeitsothatIhad
thiscomingforme.TolistentohimsayIsoundeddrunkonthephonebecauseImsilly
andthatsmygoofywayofspeaking.Topointoutthatinthevoicemail,IsaidIwould
rewardmyboyfriendandweallknowwhatIwasthinking.Iassureyoumyrewards
programisnontransferable,especiallytoanynamelessmanthatapproachesme.

This is not a
story of another
drunk college
hookup with
poor decision
making. Assault
is not an
accident.

Hehasdoneirreversibledamagetomeandmy
familyduringthetrialandwehavesatsilently,
listeningtohimshapetheevening.Butintheend,
hisunsupportedstatementsandhisattorneys
twistedlogicfoolednoone.Thetruthwon,thetruth
spokeforitself.
Youareguilty.Twelvejurorsconvictedyouguiltyof
threefelonycountsbeyondreasonabledoubt,thats
twelvevotespercount,thirtysixyesesconfirming
guilt,thatsonehundredpercent,unanimousguilt.

AndIthoughtfinallyitisover,finallyhewillownuptowhathedid,trulyapologize,we
willbothmoveonandgetbetter.ThenIreadyourstatement.
IfyouarehopingthatoneofmyorganswillimplodefromangerandIwilldie,Imalmost
there.Youareveryclose.Thisisnotastoryofanotherdrunkcollegehookupwithpoor

decisionmaking.Assaultisnotanaccident.Somehow,youstilldontgetit.Somehow,you
stillsoundconfused.Iwillnowreadportionsofthedefendantsstatementandrespondto
them.
Yousaid,BeingdrunkIjustcouldntmakethebestdecisionsandneither
couldshe.
Alcoholisnotanexcuse.Isitafactor?Yes.Butalcoholwasnottheonewhostrippedme,
fingeredme,hadmyheaddraggingagainsttheground,withmealmostfullynaked.
HavingtoomuchtodrinkwasanamateurmistakethatIadmitto,butitisnotcriminal.
Everyoneinthisroomhashadanightwheretheyhaveregretteddrinkingtoomuch,or
knowssomeoneclosetothemwhohashadanightwheretheyhaveregretteddrinkingtoo
much.Regrettingdrinkingisnotthesameasregrettingsexualassault.Wewereboth
drunk,thedifferenceisIdidnottakeoffyourpantsandunderwear,touchyou
inappropriately,andrunaway.Thatsthedifference.
Yousaid,IfIwantedtogettoknowher,Ishouldhaveaskedforhernumber,
ratherthanaskinghertogobacktomyroom.
Imnotmadbecauseyoudidntaskformynumber.Evenifyoudidknowme,Iwouldnot
wanttobeinthissituation.Myownboyfriendknowsme,butifheaskedtofingerme
behindadumpster,Iwouldslaphim.Nogirlwantstobeinthissituation.Nobody.Idont
careifyouknowtheirphonenumberornot.
Yousaid,Istupidlythoughtitwasokayformetodowhateveryonearound
mewasdoing,whichwasdrinking.Iwaswrong.
Again,youwerenotwrongfordrinking.Everyonearoundyouwasnotsexuallyassaulting
me.Youwerewrongfordoingwhatnobodyelsewasdoing,whichwaspushingyourerect
dickinyourpantsagainstmynaked,defenselessbodyconcealedinadarkarea,where
partygoerscouldnolongerseeorprotectme,andmyownsistercouldnotfindme.
Sippingfireballisnotyourcrime.Peelingoffanddiscardingmyunderwearlikeacandy
wrappertoinsertyourfingerintomybody,iswhereyouwentwrong.WhyamIstill
explainingthis.
Yousaid,DuringthetrialIdidntwanttovictimizeheratall.Thatwasjust
myattorneyandhiswayofapproachingthecase.
Yourattorneyisnotyourscapegoat,herepresentsyou.Didyourattorneysaysome
incredulouslyinfuriating,degradingthings?Absolutely.Hesaidyouhadanerection,
becauseitwascold.

Yousaid,youareintheprocessofestablishingaprogramforhighschooland
collegestudentsinwhichyouspeakaboutyourexperiencetospeakout
againstthecollegecampusdrinkingcultureandthesexualpromiscuitythat
goesalongwiththat.
Campusdrinkingculture.Thatswhatwerespeakingoutagainst?Youthinkthatswhat
Ivespentthepastyearfightingfor?Notawarenessaboutcampussexualassault,orrape,
orlearningtorecognizeconsent.Campusdrinkingculture.DownwithJackDaniels.Down
withSkyyVodka.IfyouwanttalktopeopleaboutdrinkinggotoanAAmeeting.You
realize,havingadrinkingproblemisdifferentthandrinkingandthenforcefullytryingto
havesexwithsomeone?Showmenhowtorespectwomen,nothowtodrinkless.
Drinkingcultureandthesexualpromiscuitythatgoesalongwiththat.Goesalongwith
that,likeasideeffect,likefriesonthesideofyourorder.Wheredoespromiscuityeven
comeintoplay?Idontseeheadlinesthatread,BrockTurner,Guiltyofdrinkingtoomuch
andthesexualpromiscuitythatgoesalongwiththat.CampusSexualAssault.Theres
yourfirstpowerpointslide.Restassured,ifyoufailtofixthetopicofyourtalk,Iwill
followyoutoeveryschoolyougotoandgiveafollowuppresentation.
Lastlyyousaid,Iwanttoshowpeoplethatonenightofdrinkingcanruina
life.
Alife,onelife,yours,youforgotaboutmine.Letmerephraseforyou,Iwanttoshow
peoplethatonenightofdrinkingcanruintwolives.Youandme.Youarethecause,Iam
theeffect.Youhavedraggedmethroughthishellwithyou,dippedmebackintothatnight
againandagain.Youknockeddownbothourtowers,Icollapsedatthesametimeyoudid.
IfyouthinkIwasspared,cameoutunscathed,thattodayIrideoffintosunset,whileyou
sufferthegreatestblow,youaremistaken.Nobodywins.Wehaveallbeendevastated,we
haveallbeentryingtofindsomemeaninginallofthissuffering.Yourdamagewas
concretestrippedoftitles,degrees,enrollment.Mydamagewasinternal,unseen,Icarry
itwithme.Youtookawaymyworth,myprivacy,myenergy,mytime,mysafety,my
intimacy,myconfidence,myownvoice,untiltoday.
Seeonethingwehaveincommonisthatwewerebothunabletogetupinthemorning.I
amnostrangertosuffering.Youmademeavictim.Innewspapersmynamewas
unconsciousintoxicatedwoman,tensyllables,andnothingmorethanthat.Forawhile,I
believedthatthatwasallIwas.Ihadtoforcemyselftorelearnmyrealname,myidentity.
TorelearnthatthisisnotallthatIam.ThatIamnotjustadrunkvictimatafratparty
foundbehindadumpster,whileyouaretheAllAmericanswimmeratatopuniversity,
innocentuntilprovenguilty,withsomuchatstake.Iamahumanbeingwhohasbeen
irreversiblyhurt,mylifewasputonholdforoverayear,waitingtofigureoutifIwas
worthsomething.

Myindependence,naturaljoy,gentleness,andsteadylifestyleIhadbeenenjoyingbecame
distortedbeyondrecognition.Ibecameclosedoff,angry,selfdeprecating,tired,irritable,
empty.Theisolationattimeswasunbearable.YoucannotgivemebackthelifeIhad
beforethatnighteither.Whileyouworryaboutyourshatteredreputation,Irefrigerated
spoonseverynightsowhenIwokeup,andmyeyeswerepuffyfromcrying,Iwouldhold
thespoonstomyeyestolessentheswellingsothatIcouldsee.Ishowedupanhourlateto
workeverymorning,excusedmyselftocryinthestairwells,Icantellyouallthebest
placesinthatbuildingtocrywherenoonecanhearyou.ThepainbecamesobadthatI
hadtoexplaintheprivatedetailstomybosstoletherknowwhyIwasleaving.Ineeded
timebecausecontinuingdaytodaywasnotpossible.Iusedmysavingstogoasfaraway
asIcouldpossiblybe.IdidnotreturntoworkfulltimeasIknewIdhavetotakeweeksoff
inthefutureforthehearingandtrial,thatwereconstantlybeingrescheduled.Mylifewas
putonholdforoverayear,mystructurehadcollapsed.
Icantsleepaloneatnightwithouthavingalighton,likeafiveyearold,becauseIhave
nightmaresofbeingtouchedwhereIcannotwakeup,IdidthisthingwhereIwaiteduntil
thesuncameupandIfeltsafeenoughtosleep.Forthreemonths,Iwenttobedatsix
oclockinthemorning.
Iusedtopridemyselfonmyindependence,nowIamafraidtogoonwalksintheevening,
toattendsocialeventswithdrinkingamongfriendswhereIshouldbecomfortablebeing.I
havebecomealittlebarnaclealwaysneedingtobeatsomeonesside,tohavemyboyfriend
standingnexttome,sleepingbesideme,protectingme.ItisembarrassinghowfeebleI
feel,howtimidlyImovethroughlife,alwaysguarded,readytodefendmyself,readytobe
angry.
YouhavenoideahowhardIhaveworkedtorebuildpartsofmethatarestillweak.Ittook
meeightmonthstoeventalkaboutwhathappened.Icouldnolongerconnectwith
friends,witheveryonearoundme.Iwouldscreamatmyboyfriend,myownfamily
whenevertheybroughtthisup.Youneverletmeforgetwhathappenedtome.Attheof
endofthehearing,thetrial,Iwastootiredtospeak.Iwouldleavedrained,silent.Iwould
gohometurnoffmyphoneandfordaysIwouldnotspeak.Youboughtmeatickettoa
planetwhereIlivedbymyself.Everytimeanewarticlecomeout,Ilivedwiththeparanoia
thatmyentirehometownwouldfindoutandknowmeasthegirlwhogotassaulted.I
didntwantanyonespityandamstilllearningtoacceptvictimaspartofmyidentity.You
mademyownhometownanuncomfortableplacetobe.
Youcannotgivemebackmysleeplessnights.ThewayIhavebrokendownsobbing
uncontrollablyifImwatchingamovieandawomanisharmed,tosayitlightly,this
experiencehasexpandedmyempathyforothervictims.Ihavelostweightfromstress,
whenpeoplewouldcommentItoldthemIvebeenrunningalotlately.TherearetimesI

didnotwanttobetouched.IhavetorelearnthatIamnotfragile,Iamcapable,Iam
wholesome,notjustlividandweak.
WhenIseemyyoungersisterhurting,whensheisunabletokeepupinschool,whenshe
isdeprivedofjoy,whensheisnotsleeping,whensheiscryingsohardonthephonesheis
barelybreathing,tellingmeoverandoveragainsheissorryforleavingmealonethat
night,sorrysorrysorry,whenshefeelsmoreguiltthanyou,thenIdonotforgiveyou.That
nightIhadcalledhertotryandfindher,butyoufoundmefirst.Yourattorneysclosing
statementbegan,[Hersister]saidshewasfineandwhoknowsherbetterthanhersister.
Youtriedtousemyownsisteragainstme?Yourpointsofattackweresoweak,solow,it
wasalmostembarrassing.Youdonottouchher.
Youshouldhaveneverdonethistome.Secondly,youshouldhavenevermademefightso
longtotellyou,youshouldhaveneverdonethistome.Buthereweare.Thedamageis
done,noonecanundoit.Andnowwebothhaveachoice.Wecanletthisdestroyus,Ican
remainangryandhurtandyoucanbeindenial,orwecanfaceitheadon,Iacceptthe
pain,youacceptthepunishment,andwemoveon.
Yourlifeisnotover,youhavedecadesofyearsaheadtorewriteyourstory.Theworldis
huge,itissomuchbiggerthanPaloAltoandStanford,andyouwillmakeaspacefor
yourselfinitwhereyoucanbeusefulandhappy.Butrightnow,youdonotgettoshrug
yourshouldersandbeconfusedanymore.Youdonotgettopretendthattherewerenored
flags.Youhavebeenconvictedofviolatingme,intentionally,forcibly,sexually,with
maliciousintent,andallyoucanadmittoisconsumingalcohol.Donottalkaboutthesad
wayyourlifewasupturnedbecausealcoholmadeyoudobadthings.Figureouthowto
takeresponsibilityforyourownconduct.
Nowtoaddressthesentencing.WhenIreadtheprobationofficersreport,Iwasin
disbelief,consumedbyangerwhicheventuallyquieteddowntoprofoundsadness.My
statementshavebeenslimmeddowntodistortionandtakenoutofcontext.Ifoughthard
duringthistrialandwillnothavetheoutcomeminimizedbyaprobationofficerwho
attemptedtoevaluatemycurrentstateandmywishesinafifteenminuteconversation,the
majorityofwhichwasspentansweringquestionsIhadaboutthelegalsystem.Thecontext
isalsoimportant.Brockhadyettoissueastatement,andIhadnotreadhisremarks.
Mylifehasbeenonholdforoverayear,ayearofanger,anguishanduncertainty,untila
juryofmypeersrenderedajudgmentthatvalidatedtheinjusticesIhadendured.Had
Brockadmittedguiltandremorseandofferedtosettleearlyon,Iwouldhaveconsidereda
lightersentence,respectinghishonesty,gratefultobeabletomoveourlivesforward.
Insteadhetooktheriskofgoingtotrial,addedinsulttoinjuryandforcedmetorelivethe
hurtasdetailsaboutmypersonallifeandsexualassaultwerebrutallydissectedbeforethe
public.Hepushedmeandmyfamilythroughayearofinexplicable,unnecessarysuffering,

andshouldfacetheconsequencesofchallenginghiscrime,ofputtingmypaininto
question,ofmakinguswaitsolongforjustice.
ItoldtheprobationofficerIdonotwantBrocktorotawayinprison.Ididnotsayhedoes
notdeservetobebehindbars.Theprobationofficersrecommendationofayearorlessin
countyjailisasofttimeout,amockeryoftheseriousnessofhisassaults,aninsulttome
andallwomen.Itgivesthemessagethatastrangercanbeinsideyouwithoutproper
consentandhewillreceivelessthanwhathasbeendefinedastheminimumsentence.
Probationshouldbedenied.IalsotoldtheprobationofficerthatwhatItrulywantedwas
forBrocktogetit,tounderstandandadmittohiswrongdoing.
Unfortunately,afterreadingthedefendantsreport,Iamseverelydisappointedandfeel
thathehasfailedtoexhibitsincereremorseorresponsibilityforhisconduct.Ifully
respectedhisrighttoatrial,butevenaftertwelvejurorsunanimouslyconvictedhimguilty
ofthreefelonies,allhehasadmittedtodoingisingestingalcohol.Someonewhocannot
takefullaccountabilityforhisactionsdoesnotdeserveamitigatingsentence.Itisdeeply
offensivethathewouldtryanddiluterapewithasuggestionofpromiscuity.By
definitionrapeistheabsenceofpromiscuity,rapeistheabsenceofconsent,andit
perturbsmedeeplythathecantevenseethatdistinction.
Theprobationofficerfactoredinthatthedefendantisyouthfulandhasnoprior
convictions.Inmyopinion,heisoldenoughtoknowwhathedidwaswrong.Whenyou
areeighteeninthiscountryyoucangotowar.Whenyouarenineteen,youareoldenough
topaytheconsequencesforattemptingtorapesomeone.Heisyoung,butheisoldenough
toknowbetter.
AsthisisafirstoffenceIcanseewhereleniencywouldbeckon.Ontheotherhand,asa
society,wecannotforgiveeveryonesfirstsexualassaultordigitalrape.Itdoesntmake
sense.Theseriousnessofrapehastobecommunicatedclearly,weshouldnotcreatea
culturethatsuggestswelearnthatrapeiswrongthroughtrialanderror.The
consequencesofsexualassaultneedstobesevereenoughthatpeoplefeelenoughfearto
exercisegoodjudgmenteveniftheyaredrunk,severeenoughtobepreventative.
Theprobationofficerweighedthefactthathehassurrenderedahardearnedswimming
scholarship.HowfastBrockswimsdoesnotlessentheseverityofwhathappenedtome,
andshouldnotlessentheseverityofhispunishment.Ifafirsttimeoffenderfroman
underprivilegedbackgroundwasaccusedofthreefeloniesanddisplayednoaccountability
forhisactionsotherthandrinking,whatwouldhissentencebe?ThefactthatBrockwas
anathleteataprivateuniversityshouldnotbeseenasanentitlementtoleniency,butas
anopportunitytosendamessagethatsexualassaultisagainstthelawregardlessofsocial
class.

TheProbationOfficerhasstatedthatthiscase,whencomparedtoothercrimesofsimilar
nature,maybeconsideredlessseriousduetothedefendantslevelofintoxication.Itfelt
serious.ThatsallImgoingtosay.
Whathashedonetodemonstratethathedeservesabreak?Hehasonlyapologizedfor
drinkingandhasyettodefinewhathedidtomeassexualassault,hehasrevictimizedme
continually,relentlessly.Hehasbeenfoundguiltyofthreeseriousfeloniesanditistime
forhimtoaccepttheconsequencesofhisactions.Hewillnotbequietlyexcused.
Heisalifetimesexregistrant.Thatdoesntexpire.Justlikewhathedidtomedoesnt
expire,doesntjustgoawayafterasetnumberofyears.Itstayswithme,itspartofmy
identity,ithasforeverchangedthewayIcarrymyself,thewayIlivetherestofmylife.
Toconclude,Iwanttosaythankyou.Toeveryonefromtheinternwhomademeoatmeal
whenIwokeupatthehospitalthatmorning,tothedeputywhowaitedbesideme,tothe
nurseswhocalmedme,tothedetectivewholistenedtomeandneverjudgedme,tomy
advocateswhostoodunwaveringlybesideme,tomytherapistwhotaughtmetofind
courageinvulnerability,tomybossforbeingkindandunderstanding,tomyincredible
parentswhoteachmehowtoturnpainintostrength,tomygrandmawhosnuckchocolate
intothecourtroomthroughoutthistogivetome,myfriendswhoremindmehowtobe
happy,tomyboyfriendwhoispatientandloving,tomyunconquerablesisterwhoisthe
otherhalfofmyheart,toAlaleh,myidol,whofoughttirelesslyandneverdoubtedme.
Thankyoutoeveryoneinvolvedinthetrialfortheirtimeandattention.Thankyoutogirls
acrossthenationthatwrotecardstomyDAtogivetome,somanystrangerswhocared
forme.
Mostimportantly,thankyoutothetwomenwhosavedme,whoIhaveyettomeet.Isleep
withtwobicyclesthatIdrewtapedabovemybedtoremindmyselfthereareheroesinthis
story.Thatwearelookingoutforoneanother.Tohaveknownallofthesepeople,tohave
felttheirprotectionandlove,issomethingIwillneverforget.
Andfinally,togirlseverywhere,Iamwithyou.Onnightswhenyoufeelalone,Iamwith
you.Whenpeopledoubtyouordismissyou,Iamwithyou.Ifoughteverydayforyou.So
neverstopfighting,Ibelieveyou.AstheauthorAnneLamottoncewrote,Lighthouses
dontgorunningalloveranislandlookingforboatstosavetheyjuststandthereshining.
AlthoughIcantsaveeveryboat,Ihopethatbyspeakingtoday,youabsorbedasmall
amountoflight,asmallknowingthatyoucantbesilenced,asmallsatisfactionthatjustice
wasserved,asmallassurancethatwearegettingsomewhere,andabig,bigknowingthat
youareimportant,unquestionably,youareuntouchable,youarebeautiful,youaretobe
valued,respected,undeniably,everyminuteofeveryday,youarepowerfulandnobody
cantakethatawayfromyou.Togirlseverywhere,Iamwithyou.Thankyou.
Katie Baker is a national reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York.

Contact Katie J.M. Baker at katie.baker@buzzfeed.com.

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