Elixir Nahar

Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

My income tax return form has been sent back to me because in response to question for:
Number of dependents on you?
I replied:
65% of population who doesn't pay taxes
2.1 million illegal Immigrants
9,00,000 criminals in over 85 prisons
And above all
769 idiots in parliament.
They said this was not an acceptable answer..!!
I am still wondering.. Who the hell did I miss out?

Chanakya's wise words

1) "Learn from the mistakes of others... you can't live long enough to make them all
yourselves!!"
2) "A person should not be too honest. Straight trees are cut first and honest people are
screwed first."
3) "Even if a snake is not poisonous, it should pretend to be venomous."

4) "There is some self-interest behind every friendship. There is no friendship without selfinterests. This is a bitter truth."

5) " Before you start some work, always ask yourself three questions - Why am I doing it,
What the results might be and Will I be successful. Only when you think deeply and find
satisfactory answers to these questions, go ahead."
6) "As soon as the fear approaches near, attack and destroy it."
7) "The world's biggest power is the youth and beauty of a woman."
8) "Once you start a working on something, don't be afraid of failure and don't abandon it.
People who work sincerely are the happiest."
9) "The fragrance of flowers spreads only in the direction of the wind. But the goodness of a
person spreads in all direction."
10) "God is not present in idols. Your feelings are your god. The soul is your temple."
11) "A man is great by deeds, not by birth."
12) "Never make friends with people who are above or below you in status. Such friendships
will never give you any happiness."
13) "Treat your kid like a darling for the first five years. For the next five years, scold them.
By the time they turn sixteen, treat them like a friend. Your grown up children are your
best friends."
14) "Books are as useful to a stupid person as a mirror is useful to a blind person."
15) "Education is the Best Friend. An Educated Person is Respected Everywhere. Education
beats the Beauty and the Youth."
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

IndiraG. ke 2 bete..
1 ko Desh chalane ka shauq tha
wo Plane chalane ki koshish mei mara gaya
2nd ko Plane chalane ka shauq tha
wo Desh chalane ki koshish mei mara gaya
2 BAHU hei
1 ko Pets Paalne ka shauk tha;
Wo Mantri ban gayi
2nd.. Ko PM
banne ka shauk tha
Usne Pets paal liye
Mnmohn Singh,
Digvijay Singh,
Kapil Sibbal..
WAH PRABHU TERI MAYA
KAHIN DHOOP, KAHIN CHAYA..
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
Santa: mera beta bike se girgaya :]xx :'(
Doc.:I don't know Hindi ! speak in English :/ /:)
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.Santa: my londa gironda from Hero Honda =D \=D/ =)) \=D/ =)) \=D/
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

Antila House' Mukesh Ambani's

Dream House 7 years construction
finished,
4 lakhs squre ft,
27 floors,
9 lifts,
3 heli pads,
1 theatre,
1 gym,
1 park,
168 car parking,
600 rooms,
600 servants,
world's LARGEST RICHEST
SINGLE FAMILY HOUSE..
Total cost
Rs.4700/- crores only.
Last month Mukesh
moved with his wife &
3 childrens in 2 it.
1st month electricty
bill is 71 lacs.
Incredible INDIA.!
Amir logon ka garib desh.
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
Best line said by a boy 2 his GF..
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Tere bina mai ye duniya chhod to du,
Par uska dil kaise dukha du jo roz drwaze par khadi kehti hai
"Beta Ghar Jaldi aajaana"... :(
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
Getting married is like giving
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"Supari" for self
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

42 % premi sex kyun nahi kar paate?

?
1)Girlfriend nahi manti?
?
2)Seriousness?
?
3)SexuaL disorder?
?
Nahi
,
Kamino ko ROOM hi nahi milta..:p:D:p:D :p :D:p :D:p :D:p :

An Indian girl married a Spanish

man & went to Spain..
She can't speak Spanish..
Each time she wants to buy
chicken legs,
she would lift her skirt & show her thighs to enable the seller understand her...
This went on for sometime..
One day she wanted to buy
banana..
She took her husband to the
shop..
(haso mat kamino, pura suno)Know Why ??
Because her husband can speak Spanish and could ask for
Banana in spanish... :p :O :D :D
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

Japanese Sex:
Japanese couple in an argument
over ways of highly erotic sex
Husband: Sukitaki.
Wife replies: Kowanini!!
Husband says: Toka a anji rodi
roumi yakoo!
Wife on her knees literally begging:
Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!
Husband replies angrily: Na miaou
kina tim kouji!
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And you sit and read this shit as if
you understand Japanese!
You are unbelievable!!
I always knew you would read
anything on SEX..=D
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

TAX STRUCTURE IN INDIA

1) What r u doing?
Ans.: Business
Tax: PAY PROFESSIONAL TAX!
2) What r u doing in Business?
Ans. : Selling the Goods.
Tax: PAY SALES TAX!!
3) From where r u getting Goods?
Ans. : From other State/Abroad
Tax : PAY CENTRAL SALES TAX, CUSTOM DUTY & OCTROI!
4) What r u getting in Selling Goods?
Ans. : Profit
Tax : PAY INCOME TAX!
How do you distribute profit ?
Ans : By way of dividend
Tax : Pay dividend distribution Tax
5) Where u Manufacturing the Goods?
Ans. : Factory
Tax : PAY EXCISE DUTY!
6) Do u have Office / Warehouse/ Factory?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY MUNICIPAL & FIRE TAX!
7) Do you have Staff?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAFF PROFESSIONAL TAX!
8) Doing business in Millions?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY TURNOVER TAX!
Ans : No
Tax : Then pay Minimum Alternate Tax
9) r u taking out over 25,000 Cash from Bank?
Ans. : Yes, for Salary.
Tax : PAY CASH HANDLING TAX!
10) Where r u taking your client for Lunch & Dinner?
Ans. : Hotel
Tax : PAY FOOD & ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
11) R u going Out of Station for Business?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY FRINGE BENEFIT TAX!
12) Hav u taken or given any Service/s?

Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY SERVICE TAX!
13) How come u got such a Big Amount?
Ans. : Gift on birthday
Tax : PAY GIFT TAX!
14) Do u have any Wealth?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY WEALTH TAX!
15) To reduce Tension, for entertainment, where are you going?
Ans. : Cinema or Resort
Tax : PAY ENTERTAINMENT TAX!
16) Hav u purchased House?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY STAMP DUTY & REGISTRATION FEE !
17) How u Travel?
Ans. : Bus
Tax : PAY SURCHARGE!
18) Any Additional Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY EDUCATIONAL, ADDITIONAL EDUCATIONAL & SURCHARGE ON ALL THE CENTRAL
GOVT.'s TAX !!!
19) Delayed any time Paying Any Tax?
Ans. : Yes
Tax : PAY INTEREST & PENALTY!
20) INDIAN :: can i die now??
Ans :: wait we are about to launch the funeral tax!!
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

Blackberry Z10 Side Effects:

- Whenever I ask people "Why should anyone buy Blackberry Z10 for Rs 43,490?"
They start talking like Manmohan Singh.
- Rs. 43490 is the total 5 year fees of a Delhi University's Bachelor+Master Degree.
- Rs 43,490 for a Blackberry Z10 is like releasing a Tusshar Kapoor movie in an IMAX theatre... and then
setting the ticket prices at Rs 1500.....
:D>=):p:D>=):p:D>=):p:D>=):p
- Well, after the launch of Z10 I've to rethink whether I shud buy a new Cell for Rs. 43,490 or shud I buy a
new Fridge+TV+AC with d same 44k :]Y :p =D =)) =))
- Launched at "Rs 43,490", the actual cost of the phone is Rs. 13,490, remaining is for the 10 grams of gold
used in the circuit board...
- Actually Lava mobiles showroom costs Rs 43,490
- Rs 43,490 for a phone and it doesn't have FM Radio!
- BlackBerry for Rs 43,490. Ram Gopal Verma can make 3 movies in that budget.
- BlackBerry Z10 for Rs 43,490 With tagline "kya aap chutiye hain"
- Last one
BlackBerry Z10 for Rs 43,490 giving tuff competition to bajaj discover, splendor and passion...=)) :p
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
Things to Learn Frm SRK Movies

Kuch Kuch hota hai: DOST SE PYAAR

Mohabattein: PRINCIPAL KI BETI SE PYAAR
Kal ho na ho: PADOSI KI BETI SE
PYAAR
Kabhi khushi Kabhi gum: NAUKAR KI BETI SE PYAAR
Kabhi Alvida na Kehna: DUSARO KI BIWI SE PYAAR
Baazigar: DUSHMAN KI BETI SE
PYAAR
My Name is Khan: BAAL KATANE
WALI SE PYAAR
Pardes: DOST KI MANGETAR SE
PYAAR
Dil se: TERRORIST SE PYAAR
Mai Hoon na: TEACHER SE PYAAR
Note - SRK teaches us how to manage risky love affairs......!!!.

Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

Utha nahi Ki Call aayi.
Maine Receive kiya,
aur wo boli"Happy Teddy Day Dear"
Maine bhi "Same To U" bol diya.
Wo boli- Ajj toh ek teddy,
"Lover Gift Gallery" Se La Do Please!
Maine Bhi keh diya Ki Ladko Ke Dil
ke Sath Khel Ke Tassali Nahi hui
kya,
Jo ab teddy ke sath khelogi.
Ajeeb ladkiya hai yaaro,
ab inko kaun bataye ki yaha Zehar khane ke liye paise nahi,
teddy kaha se la de.

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Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

Have u Ever Thought
While Sleeping
If The Fan Breaks & Falls On Ur Head
Or Lizard Climbs Up Ur Bed & Start Walking On Ur Neck
Or
A Green Snake Goes Into Ur Nose
Or
A Cockroach Goses Through Ur Mouth & Comes Out Through Ur Ears
Any How
Sleep Peacefully
Good Nite :D
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
!!!,,,Life before Computer,,,!!!
-Wind0w was a square hole in a r0om :)
-Application was s0mething
written in paper ;)
-M0use was an animal :)
-Keyb0ard was a Piano :)
-File was an imp0rtant office material ;)
-Net was just a see thr0ugh fabric
material :p
-Hard Drive was an uncomfortable
road trip :)
-Cut was done with Knife and Paste was done with Glue :)
-Web was spider's home ;)
-Virus was flu :)
and
-Apple and Blackberry were just
fruits :)
-a big change indeed :p:D

Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

Class Room Is Like A Train
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1st Two Benches R ReservedFor
VIP .
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Next Two Benches R General Coach
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Then
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Last Two Benches R Very Demanded.
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Bcz Its."SLEEPER COACH"..:p :D :O :D
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
A lawyer came home after having sex in his car.
Girl forgot her bra n panty in car.
The wife found them, tore them up n shouted: U dirty bastard u hv been screwing ur secretary.
Without blinking an eyelid, lawyer shouted back. Bitch u hv just destroyed d only evidence of a high profile
rape case I have been working on. U can now forget abt diamond necklace u were asking for,
Wife fell on her knees, crying & trying 2 repair d torn pieces & lawyer walked away wid a smile...
Moral:
Start studying LAW.
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine..

And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria
Found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer or tequila, rum, whiskey or any other liquor.
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process
Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of Shit..
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
King enrolled his donkey in a race & won.
Local paper read:
'KING's ASS WON'
The king was so upset with this kind of publicity that he gave the donkey to the queen.
The local paper then read:
"QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"
The king fainted....
Queen sold the donkey to a farmer for 10$.
Next day paper read: "QUEEN SELLS HER ASS FOR $10"
The queen fainted...
The next day king ordered the queen to buy back the donkey and leave it in jungle.
The Next Headlines:
"QUEEN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS FREE & WILD"
The king died... !!
Thats Media

Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

2 Woman friends chatting in office
Woman 1: I had a fine evening, how was yours?
Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How
was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner
we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the
bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn't have money left for a cab.
We walked home which took an hour & when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light
candles all over the house!!
Moral: Presentation does matter. No matter what the reality is!!
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
Did u know the Meaning of this words :News = North East West. South.
Chess = Chariot,Horse, Elephant, Soldiers.
Joke = Joy of Kids Entertainment.
Aim = Ambition in Mind.
Date = Day and Time Evolution.
Eat = Energy And Taste.
Tea = Taste And Energy Admitted.
Pen = Power Enriched in Nib.
Smile = Sweet Memories In Lips Expression.
Bye = Be with You Everytime.
Kindly share these meanings as majority of us don't know these

Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

Weird Facts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual
relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at
them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay
them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her
bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her
mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?).
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Go ahead..book ur flights to these exciting destinations.

\l

Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

I asked god:
Why my Girlfriend loves a rose which dies in a day
But doesn't love me who dies for her every day? .......
God replied:- Mast line hai ! Facebook pe status daal bahot Likes milenge....:p =))

The letters A, B, C and D,

do not appear in the spellings of 1 TO 99.
The D appears 1st time in HUNDRED.
'A' appears
1st time in THOUSAND.
'B' appears
1st time in BILLION.
'C' appears
1st time in CRORE
3 sisters got married & went for honeymoon.
Mom asked them 2 send feedback sms.
1st daughter's sms:
'NESCAFE'
.
Mom checks out nescafe ad:
It read 'GOOD TO THE LAST DROP'.
Mom smiles.
.
2nd daughter's sms:
'BENSON & HEDGES'
.
Mom checks out ad:
It read 'KING SIZE, EXTRA LONG'.
Mom smiles again.
3rd daughter's sms:
'BRITISH AIRWAYS'
.
Mom checks out British Airways ad & faints down. It read:
.

3 TIMES DAILY,
7 DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS

Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

Oh God, 2013 has arrived ?, give us the strength to pay
Income Tax
VAT
CST
Service Tax
ED
Octroi
TDS
ESI
FBT
Property Tax
Stamp Duty
CGT
Water Tax
Prof Tax
Road Tax
Education Cess Congestion levy
Bribes
Alms
Donations
EMIs
Loans
OD Interest
PPNSC
Wheel tax
Toll
Life insurance
Mediclaim
Maintenance
Petrol
Conveyance
Groceries
Salaries
wife ke demands
&
If there's sum money left, pls let me hv 2 pegs in peace...
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
Difficult To Understand Girls
Few days back when she called me I was having lunch
She got angry that i didnt ask her to join me..
Today when she called i was..
.
.
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Taking bath & i asked her to join,she was angry again

Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

A doctor in a small boat crossing to d other island, talks 2 a fisherman.
DOC: hav u been 2 college?
Fisherman: No, i hav no money 2 go 2 college.
DOC: u missed half of ur lyf.
Have u been around d world?
Fisherman: No, i can't afford dat.
DOC: u missed another half of ur life.
(A storm came & d water entered d boat).
Fisherman: Do u knw how 2 swim?
DOC: No!
Fisherman: Then u'l miss ur WHOLE LIFE!
-see?
never ever under estimate any0ne. .
Stay humble & be a blessing!
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
Girls Girls Girls..
If u praise them, they think u r lying.
If u don't, u r good 4 nothing.
If they talk, they want u to listen.
If u listen, they want u to talk.
If u kiss them, u r not a gentleman.
If u don't, u r not a man.
If u agree 2 all their likes, u r 'idiot, having no own mind '
If u don't, u r not understanding.
Girls Girls Girls..
So hard to live with them and even harder to live without them....(y)(y)
Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes
Have you ever noticed that
Rolls Royce and Mercedes dont have any commercials ...
Why?
Reason: They know the value of their product & that brings the customers to them ...
Lesson: When you know your value,
You dont have to beg people to be in your life,
To be friends with you, to spend time with you or to love you ...
Be confident in who you are,
just remember not everyone can handle Luxury !

Rajnikant V/s CID Jokes

Salt has an Unique nature,
Its presence is not felt but its absence makes things tasteless!
Make your absence noticable, by making your presence Valueable