Top10DangerousPokemonIRL

ByOglemi.ArtbyYilx.WriterforSmogonuniversity
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Introduction:
Let'sfaceit,we'veallbeenthere.You'resittinginsomeboringclasswiththeteacherwiththemostmonotonevoiceyou'veeverheard,andyoubegindaydreamingtoescapeintoadifferentworldthatwon'tkillyoufromthedoldrum.And,againadmitit,youbegindaydreamingaboutwhatitwouldbelikeifPok monwerereal.It'dbesocoolright?!Sayyoudon'tagreewithwhatyourteacherisblabbingonabout,soyouchallengethemtoaPokmonbattlejusttoshutthemupandintheprocessmakeaquickbuck.Andhell,whywouldyouevenbeinschool?Yougettoleave
homeattheageof10andcatchyourownanimalslavestodoyourbiddingforyou,andifyou'reextragoodatcommandingsaidslaves,youneverhavetogetarealjob!

Butyouhavetowonder,whatwoulditbelikeifPokmonwerereal?Woulditbelikeintheanime,whereeventhoughthePokmongetelectrocutedandburnedonaregularbasis,theystillcomeouttotallyunscathedandnonchalantattheendoftheday?OrwoulditbelikehowthePokdexdescribesit,andPokmonbattleswereactualdeathmatchesbetweenthetwocrittersanddailylifedependedonwhetherornotthelocalswarmofDugtriodecidedtoEarthquakeyourtownintooblivion?Well,assumingthatourworldkeptthesamephysicsandlogic,itwouldprobablybea

Idon'trememberthelasttimeIgotburnttoacrispfromanelectricalshockand
wasabletoshakeitoffasifitwereadailyoccurrence.Inthisworldeventhemost
unassuming,adorableorangelizardcanspewfirehotenoughtoliterallymeltyour
faceoff,andotherlittlegreendinosaurscanshootleavessharpenoughtocutyouin
half.Inthiscrazilydangerousworldofinstantdeathcreatures,whereyouronly
defenseagainstthemistosomehowcatchthemwithalittleballandsubsequently
befriendthem(whichisn'talwaysguaranteedeither),orfightthemwithyourown
littleinstantdeathcreature,therewoulddefinitelybesomePokmonacutabovethe
restthatyouwouldneedtokeepaspecialeyeoutfor.Thisistheguidetothose
specialcasesofsuperdangerousness.
lotlikethelatter,

since

10.Gilgar/Gliscor

they'reexactlyliketheninjas
theymimic.Thesmalleronelikestoswoopdownwhenyouleastexpectitand
SMACK!,suddenlyyouhaveaGligarclampingdownonyourfacewithitspincers,
stabbingyouwithitspoisonfilledbarblocatedonitstail.What'sworse,youwon't
evenseeitcoming!They're silentfliers,
Theredoesn't
evenseemtobeanymotive!It'snotlikeyou'retearingupitshabitat,orthatithas
planstoeatyou;no,itjustattacksyourfacepurelyoutofspite.
WhileGligarandGliscordon'treallyscream"OMGsoterrifying!!"likealotofotherPokmondo,theirblaslookmasksadifferentkindofterrorwithwings.It'snotthatGligarandGliscorwillrushyouheadonandcrushyouwithbrutestrength,orcutyouinhalforsomething,likeabearoranelephantwouldifwe'recomparingthemtoanimalsoftherealworld.No,

supposedly

soyoucouldbejusthangingoutinthemiddleoftown,mindingyourownbusiness,maybechattingupsomehottie,whensuddenlyyouhaveGligarpincerandtailallupinyourface!

Gliscor,ontheotherhand,probablydoesplantoyoueatyou.JustlikeGligar,you
won'thearitcoming,anditdoesn'tevenhavetotrytocatchyousinceitcanjustfloat
onanykindofbreeze.JustreaditsHGSSPokdexentry:"Itsflightissoundless.It

usesitslengthytailtocarryoffitsprey...Thenitselongatedfangsdotherest."So,in
short,it'slikeavampirethatdoesn'tevenneedtostoponitswaytohaveameal,just
anybodyonthestreetisbasicallyaMcDonald'sdrivethroughwheneveritgets
hungry.Goodluckprotectingyourselffromthat!

9.Aggron

PrettymuchtheoppositeofGligarandGliscor,Aggronyouwoulddefinitelysee
coming,anditprobablywouldcrushyouwithitsbrutestrengthand/orcutyouinhalf.
Let'sthinkaboutwhatAggronactuallyisforamoment:a6'11"bipedaltriceratops
withametalplatedskullandhide,amassivetail,metalplatedfists,

THREEhornsreadytosmashyourbodyintopieces.Let'snotforgetthatitcanalso
shootIceBeamsandThunderboltswhenitreallycomesdowntoit.
andIdon'tthinkthiscanbestressedenoughaSTEELskullwithnotjustone,but

WhileAggronisprettyslow(Imeancomeonit'sanarmorplatedbipedaltriceratops,ofcourseit'sslow),meaningyou

couldprobablyoutrunitifyourlifedependedonit,aproblemariseswhenyouthinkaboutwhereyouwouldactuallyrunintoanAggronintherealworld.Aggronaretypicallyfounddeepinsidemountains,munchingonironandwhateverothermetalstheyhappentofindtasty,meaninginordertorunintoone,you'dhavetobedeepenoughinsidethemountaintobenearthem.WhilethiscutsdownonthenumberofAggronyou'drunintoinyoureverydaylife,italsomeansthatAggronwouldbeintheirelementwhenyoudidrunintotheminthemountain.Imagineyou'remining
insomemountain,lookingforthosegodforsakenShardsifyou'reinSinnohandyouneedsomeHeartScalesorsomething,whensuddenlyyouturnacornerandloandbehold,anearly7footAggronisstaringyoudown.Whatdoyoudo?Youcan'tfightitheadon;thatsteelandthreehornedHeadSmashwillannihilateyouandwhateveradorablePok monyouhavewithyou,andgoodlucktryingtorunoutthewayyoucameininthedark.Youcouldtrytocatchit,butIhaveafeelinganyPokBallisjustgoingtobounceoffit.Longstoryshort:don'tgominingifPokmonare
real.Aggronwillobliterateyou.

8.Sharpedo

Cruiseshipsareablast,intheoryanyway.Twofullweeksofnothingbutsweet,sweet
Caribbeansun,endlessbuffets,andcoolentertainment.Unfortunately,ifPokmon
werereal,thereprobablywouldn'tbeverymanycruiseshipcompanies.Thereason
forthis?NoneotherthantheterrorofthedeepknownasSharpedo.Whilemostsharks
areharmlessfromthetopofaboatdeck(unlessitsnameisJawsorMegaShark),
Sharpedojustoutrightdoesn'tcareaboutyourhunkoffloatingmetal,andwilltear
rightthroughthehulljustbecauseitcan.Imaginewhatthatwouldbelikewhile
you'reontheship.You'refloatingalongsippingamartiniwiththecheesyumbrellain
theglass,whensuddenly,thewholeboatrockslikeitjusthitaniceberg.Whileyou're
planningyoursurvivalalaTitanic,yousuddenlyrealizethatyoucouldn'thave
possiblyhitaniceberginthemiddleoftheCaribbean.Thenthecaptainannounces

overthePA:"Thisisyourcaptainspeaking.Itseemsthatwe'vecomeuponaschool
ofSharpedoandthey'verippedstraightthroughourhull.Theshipisnowsinking.
Pleasestaycalmandgetinthelifeboats."So,yougetinthelifeboatonlytorealize
that,notonlydidtheSharpedojustripstraightthroughthemetalhullofagiantship,
therewasaschoolofthem,andyou'renowloweringintotheoceaninatinylittleraft
withthem.Nottomentionthattheycanswimupto75mph.Inshort:don'tgoon
cruisesifPokmonarereal.Sharpedowilleatyou.

7.Pinsir/Scyther

Iputthesetwotogetherbecausewhenyougetrightdowntoit,theyarebothgoingto
dotheexactsamethingtoyoufortheexactsamereason,justwithdifferentmethods.
Soyou'reoutinthetallgrasswithyourshortsandyourbutterflynet,readytocatch
yousomeCaterpie.WhyyouwantaCaterpieIdon'tknow,maybebecausethey're
adorable.Anyway,you'reouttryingtonabyouaCaterpie,whensuddenlyaPinsir
jumpsoutinfrontofyou.Quickerthanyoucanreact,ithasyouinbetweenits
pincers.And...thenitdoeswhatitdoesbest;ifitdoesn'toutrightcrushyouinhalfit'll
proceedtoswingyouaroundandtossyouliketheragdollyouare,watchingasyou
landinamangledheapofbrokenbones.Ihatetothinkaboutwhatwouldhappen
afterthat.DoesPinsirproceedtoeatyou?Itsmouthiscrazy,soIcan'timagineit'dbe
funtolieonthegroundandwatchasyougeteatenalivebythepsychostagbeetlethat
justownedyoufornoparticularreasonotherthanyou'recarryingabutterflynet
around(notlikeyouweregoingtocatchitwithoneanyway).
Scytherisn'tmuchmorepleasant.It'sfarquickerthanPinsir,andisperfectly
camouflagedinthelonggrasstothepointwhereit'sinvisible.Andthen,beforeyou
knowwhathappenedtoyou,you'vebeencutinhalfbyitsscytheslikeapieceof
sushi.Andbeingcutcleaninhalfisn'tfun...AtleastIcan'timagineit'dbe,fishand
otheranimalsdon'treallyseemtoenjoyit.Moralofthestory:theCaterpieblack
markettrademaybeillustriousduetothelackofpeoplewillingtobravethe
wildernessofgiantkillerbugs,butit'sprobablybesttoavoidthetallgrassifatall
possible.

6.Primeape

So,Primeapemarksthepointonthelistwheremeetingupwiththesedangerous
Pokmonbecomeslesscircumstantial,andallthemoredangerous.Imagineyou'reout
forawalkintheparkorthrowingafrisbeearoundwithsomefriends,whenyou
disturbthenestofaPrimeape.MostPokmonyoucouldpossiblyavoidinsomeway
bymaybehoppingonabikeandridingaway,orfightingthemoffinsomemanner
(usingyourfirebreathingpuppyprobablywouldn'tbeabadoptionagainstmost
obstaclesyoumeetonyourway),butPrimeapeisdifferent.Nomatterhowfaryou
run,nomatterhowdeterminedyouaretogetaway,Primeapewillhuntyoudown
untilyou'reeitherdeadormaimedbyitinsomemanner.InthePokmonworldthere
seemstobeanalmostcompletelackofmotorizedvehicles,soit'shardtodetermineto
justwhatlengthsPrimeapewillgotohuntyoudown.Maybegettinginacarand
drivingawaywillbeenoughtogetawayfromthisberserkape,maybenot.Theonly
thingthat'scertainisyoucannotrunawayfromitbytraditionalmeans.Assoonas
youbotheroneyou'llnevergetawayfromit.Itwillalwaysbefollowingyou.Always
chasing.Alwaysrightbehindyou,anywhereandatanytime.Talkaboutmentaland
physicalfatigue.HavefunonyourPokmonadventurewiththisthingroamingthe
planet!

5.Electrode

AlongthesamelinesasPrimeape,runningawayfromthisPokBall/TNThybridon
crackisprobablygoingtobeafruitlessendeavor.WhyanElectrodewouldbe
attackingyouinthefirstplaceisbeyondme.Maybeitwasfeedingofftheelectricity
ofyourhouseandyouwentoutsideandstartedbeatingitwithatennisracketbecause
youdidn'twantyourelectricitybilltogettoohigh.AsoneofthefastestPokmon
around,it'ssuretobeabletosteamrollrightoverwhateveritfeelslikeatextremely

highspeeds.Evenifyouweretosomehowgetoutofflatteningrange,itcanjustshoot
Thunderboltsatyou.Andgoodluckfightingbackortryingtocatchitafterhaving
clubbeditwithatennisracket.Assoonasyougetclosetobringingthesuckerdown
it'lljustexplode,probablykillingyouandwhateveradorablePokmonyou'reusingto
tryandcatchit,alongwithyourhouse!Thistendencytojustexplodewhenthegoing
getstoughiswhatputsElectrodeastepabovetheotherElectrictypePokmonyou're
likelytomeetonyouradventure.Justfortheloveofallthat'sholy,don'tmistakea3
foothighthunderballofdeathforaregularPokBall.IfyoudoI'llprobablynever
respectyouagain,assumingyouevensurvivetheencounter.Andno,Iwouldnotcry
atyourfuneral.WhatwereyougoingtodowithagiantPokBallanyway?Catch
giantPokmon?Youwouldn'tevenbeabletothrowitorlugitanywheresothe
wholepointofdoingsowouldbeasinine.ComeonmanIthoughtyouweresmarter
thanthat...

4.Machamp

MostFightingtypePokmonhaveawaytoseverelymutilateyourbody,usuallyin
theformofbrokenbones.Hitmonleecankickyourshinsintwo.Hitmonchanwill
shatteryourribcagewithapunch.Mienshaowillwhipyou(wellmaybethatwouldn't
besobad).Anyway,Machampisacutabovetherest.Firstly,ithasFOURarms,not
justyouraveragetwo,makingforatotalofsixlimbswithwhichtoclobberyou.
Secondly,thosefourarmscanthrow1,000punchesinjust2seconds.Ican'teven
punchtwiceeffectivelyin2seconds,toputitinperspective.Thirdly,justonearmhas
thestrengthtomoveamountain,accordingtotheYellowPokdexentryanyway.So,
itcouldjustbecasuallyleaningupagainstamountain,showingoffhismusclestoa
ladyMachamp,whenthemountaingoesslidingintoatownnearby.Notlikeit'sgoing
tofeelanyremorseforitanyway.Thoseweaklingsshouldhavebeenabletopushthe
mountainback.Wimps.Lastly,Machamp'spunchesarestrongenoughtosendyou
clearoverthehorizon.ThebestIcoulddowithapunchismaybedropyoutoyour
kneesbyknockingyouinthegonads.Imaginegettingpunchedsohardinthenutsyou
getsentflyingoverthehorizon.Talkaboutaddinginsulttoinjury.
Youcouldprobablyshootatthisfourarmedlizardbodybuilderhybridwithamachine
gunandnotevenfazeit;infactitwouldprobablyjustpunchthebulletsrightoutof

theair.Tanks?Pssh,it'lljustpunchitoverontoitsside.Imean,thethingissococky
itjustwalksaroundinitsunderwearatalltimes.Likeitreallycaresaboutyour
moderndayweaponry.LivinginaworldwithmultipleMachampwouldbelikeliving
onaplanetwhereawholehordeofIncredibleHulkscouldcomecrashingthrough
yourhomeatanymomentandsendyouandyourfamilyflying.Infact,Machampis
probablyjustaboutassmartasacrazedupHulk,justwithamoreflatteringensemble.
PreparetobowdowntoourMachampoverlordswhenPokmonarereal.

3.Chandelure

IputChandelurethishighonthelistnotbecauseofitsimmediatedangerousness,but
becauseofthedownrightevilnessofitshabitsandthestateit'lleventuallyleavethe
planetinoveranextendedamountoftime.Theevilness?Itburnsspirits,andthen
leavesthebody,whichisnownothingmorethanahusk,anemptyshell,behind.So,
notonlyareyounowdead,butyoudon'tevengettoenjoytheafterlife!Whatkindof
adickmoveisthat?Canyouimaginejusthowcrazyreligionwouldgetwith
Chandelurelurkingaroundeverycorner?SaveyoursoulbeforeChandeluregetsit!
Justimaginethesheerpublicpaniccausedbythisjackolanternofterrorhauntingthe
streets.Notevenyoursoulissafefromit!Atleastdyingfromothermeansofdeath
leavesyouwithsomethingwhenallissaidanddone.ButnotwithChandelure!
Plus,it'snotreallyclearwhathappenstoyourbodyafteragoodsoulburning.Are
youreallydead,orjustbraindead?Areyounowazombie?Idon'tIneedtoexplain
justhowbadaplanetofzombiescanget.Andifyou'rebraindead,thenthewhole
issueofwhohastotakecareofyoucomesintoquestion,andeventuallytheamount
ofbraindeadpeoplewouldbecomeastrainontheeconomyandhealthindustry.And
ifyoucan'tgetridofChandelure,thenyoucanassumeeverybodyatsomepointis
goingtogettheirsoulburned.Trulyahorriblefuturetolookforwardto.

2.Ditto

DittocreatesadifferentkindofdangerousnessifPokmonarereal.Adangerousness
thatstrikesrightatthefabricofsocialstability.Forargument'ssakelet'ssaythat
whenDittotakestheformofahuman,itcanalsotalklikeahumanaswell.Imaginea
worldwhereyoucanneverreallytrustanyonebecausetheymayinfactbeaDitto.
Suddenly,identifytheftbecomesmuchmorelucrativeandeasytodowhenyoucan
makeanexactclonetodoyourbiddingforyou.Thentherecomesthequestionof,if
Dittotransformsintoahuman,doyoustillownitifyouhavecaughtit?Ifitwere
smartenough,itwouldclaimabductiontothepoliceifittransformsintoahuman.
Heck,ifDittoissmartenoughitcouldbecomesupremeoverlordoftheworldifit
reallywantedto.JustthesheerpotentialofwhatDittocoulddoifitcanreallytakeon
theformofanythingandanyoneistrulyterrifying.Itcouldeasilysneakintothe
President'sbedchamberasabug,takeoutthePresident,andthenassumehisorher
form.Fromthere,allithastodoisrulethecountrywithanironfistorgetthedefense
counciltogotowarwithsomeothercountry.InfactthewholecouncilofGenerals
couldallbeDitto!Dittocouldevenbecomemobileandagileweaponsofmass
destructioniftheycantransformintonuclearmissiles(assumingtheycanchangetheir
chemicalstructurethatis).Eitherthatortheycouldtransformintoanarmyof
Electrode.Nottomentiontheycouldbreedtheirownarmyofadorabledeath
creaturestodotheirbidding.Scarystuff!

1.Gyarados

SowhatcouldpossiblybemoredangerousthanDittoandMachampoverlordsora
zombiehordecreatedbyChandelure?Nothingotherthanthemasteroftheseasitself:
Gyarados.Atthispointinhistoryit'sanobrainerthatwhoevercontrolstheseaand
airinaconflictisusuallythewinner.Gyaradosownsbothandmore(wellit'spart
Flyingtypeanyway,Icanonlyassumeitcanflyatleastalittlebit,maybeitusesits
earfinslikeDumbo?).ImagineanarmyofGyaradosgoinginsaneandlayingwasteto
whatevercoastalcityjustsohappenstopissthemoffonthatparticularday.Itdoesn't
reallyneedtobeacoastalcityifthere'sariverconnectingthecityinquestiontothe

sea.WhilealotofPokmonprobablyhavethepowertodestroyawholecity,none
arequiteasmobileasGyarados.Onedaythey'returningNYCtorubble,andthenext
they'reknockingonSanFrancisco.What'smore,theycanappearinanybodyofwater
whereMagikarphappentobe.AndMagikarphappentobejustabouteverywherein
thePokmonuniverse,meaningthatGyaradoswillprobablyfindawaytobe
everywhereintherealworldifPokmonarereal.Thatmeansthatatanypoint,
anywhere,aGyaradoscanburstoutofthewaterandcompletelydestroywhateverit
damnwellpleases.AndtherewouldbenoreasoningwithGyarados.They'regiantsea
serpentswiththepowertoannihilateametropolis.Whywouldtheycarewhatyou
havetosay?Universal,destructive,huge,crazy,andnonnegotiable.Gyaradoswould
trulybethemostdangerousPokmoniftheywerereal.
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