Nando's and Nandon'ts: A Musical (A Songbook)

2|Page
REBEL BREED presents

NANDO'S and NANDON'TS: a musical (a songbook)
Starring Hannah WOLDEN, James BLOOMFIELD and Olivia DEANE
with music performed by Steve ESCOTT and Jimmy REBEL
Book & Lyrics by William BREDEN & James D. WARD
Music by James D. WARD
Arranged by Olivia DEANE, Douglas DEANS, Steve ESCOTT and James D. WARD
Movement by Jasmine COBEN
Costumes by Olivia DEANE
Special thanks to Nicola Brown, Douglas Deans, and Isabelle Staniaszek
PRODUCED & DIRECTED by William BREDEN & James D. WARD
Table of contents
INTRODUCTION: page 3
ACT ONE: page 4
ACT TWO: page 8
ACT THREE: page 19
SIDE ORDERS: page 28
LEFTOVERS: page 35
TIPS: page 46
First edition.
All photographs Nathan Human, 2013 except p3 and p33 James Bloomfield, 2014 and p34
James D. Ward, 2014
All other content William Breden and James D. Ward, 2013-2014
Performance rights for Nandos and Nandonts: a musical are not available. However, we are very keen
to hear cover versions of the songs, in whatever key or style or instrumentation you like, so please
send them our way at rebelbreedinc@gmail.com.
Page |3
These songs are not all songs. Or rather, some of the songs have lyrics that
arent really lyrics.
Well start again.
Most of these songs began with a title. Some with a phrase. Some came from
an idea We need them to get angry here and maybe swear a bit. A
number started off life as dialogue and got upgraded. Maybe downgraded.
Either/or.
Three songs (not necessarily the best songs) are the whole play in
microcosm. Not coincidentally, they are the three from the earliest
incarnation of Nandos: Why Must They Sing, Anything You Dream, and
Since Youre Here.
We cut Since Youre Here. Thats us in microcosm.
They are very silly songs, but were fond of them. One or two will stay in
your head for weeks, and for that you are very welcome. Enjoy them, weve
had fun creating them.
4|Page
Page |5
Sung by Melvin and Caroline

MELVIN
Dm
Suddenly a chord a strikes, suddenly they
C
start singing, well not fully singing, but
Dm
singing enough for it to be annoying.
G
It gets on my nerves!
Nandos and Nandonts was started in April

2013. This was the first song written for it, and
it still survives in this version. The song is the
chord sequence from Confrontation in a
different key, with a different argument over
the top. Opinion is split over whether this is a
clever reference or whether Ward is just lazy.
This question will crop up again later.
CAROLINE
Singing's the expression of meaning, that's why they're appealing every
thought, every feeling is laid bare. Musicals
appeal to your heart and your soul. Do you not
have a heart, Melvin? Do you not have a soul?
MELVIN / CAROLINE
They're just unrealistic! / Musicals aren't meant to be realistic!
CAROLINE
They're aspirational, they're artistic,
they're representations of how we feel,
not how we are!
MELVIN
I'm sorry, love, but they're not for me.
I've just always found them so silly.
Can't we agree to disagreecan't we just disagree?
CAROLINE & MELVIN
Dm
Am
Let's just go to Nando's
Dm
Gm
We'll get some chicken, that'll be good
Bb
F
We can figure out our differences later
Bb
C
F
Oh look, there isn't a queue, that's good
CAROLINE
Musicals work as metaphor
It's good you always know what's in store
You can concentrate on just feelingweren't you feeling...?
6|Page
Sung by Rubber
G
C
Please come this way, I have secured you a table
D
C
G
Much to show, to taste, to smell if you are able
G
C
Please take a seat, relax and read the menus
F
D
C
G
I'll fill you in on our service whilst you peruse
G
D
This isn't so much a restaurant as a family
F
C
G
We like to treat you all as if you're kin
C
D
F
C
Anything you want to eat we will strive to make arrive
C
D
C
D
Anything you dream, Anything you dream
C
D
G
Anything you dream as long as it's chicken
We hope your time with us will be delightful
I hope my expertise has been insightful
Whatever you choose you'll leave us happy and full
But please forgive that our Portuguese is awful
(We were founded in Ealing)
This isn't so much a restaurant as a family
We like to treat you all as if you're kin
Anything you want to eat well strive to make arrive
Anything you dream, Anything you dream
Anything you dream as long as it's chicken
The first incarnation of Nandos

played at LUTheatres Proteus
back in May 2013. This is the only
song that has remained exactly
the same since that performance.
It is very well-researched, if we do
say so ourselves.
Em
Am
Marinaded lovingly in peri peri sauce made from African Birds Eye Chilli (x7)
Am
D
Chicken of the gods!
C
D
C
D
Anything you dream, anything you dream
C
D
G
Anything you dream as long as it's chicken!
Page |7
Sung by Melvin and Caroline

MELVIN
D
G
I'm not open about how I feel about you
D
A
I have trouble communicating, we both know that's true
D
G
Right now I can't define how I feel
D
A
But that doesn't mean that this isn't real
G
A
Let's not argue about things that we don't know
G
Oh, let's sleep on it, and I promise you that
A
It'll look better tomorrow
Ward reckons this song sounds like

Jimmy Eat World, and as such it is
one of his favourites. Wolden was
unimpressed by having to learn
Carolines verse in rehearsal after
Ward rewrote it without telling her.
CAROLINE
I know I push you to reveal exactly what you
feel it gives me confidence that what we have is real
I need to learn to take some things on trust
Just give me some time to adjust
Let's not worry too much, let's just take things slow
CAROLINE & MELVIN
Em
Bm
Let's just let life happen
Instead of overanalysing everything
We'll both just relax a bit
Em
A
It'll be OK in the end
G
A
We've got something good here, we both know this is so
G
A
D
G
It will all look better tomorrow
8|Page
Page |9
Sung by Rubber
G
I like her hair
I like the way she brushes her hair
F
C
No other hair can compare to that hair over there
G
So there
I like her eyes
I like the way she makes up her eyes
It doesn't hide or disguise stuff, it just frames her eyes
It's nice
D
I like her voice
Her sweet melodious voice that just fills up the room
It banishes darkness, it could lift any gloom
C
I have no choice!
I just like her voice!
D
But most of all
But most of all
G
I like her hair.
Deane still takes the piss out of

this song to this very day.
However, as always, she
picked it up instantly.
10 | P a g e
Sung by Caroline
C
Am
You meet someone, you date, you talk,
Dm
G
You think you've found the one
C
Am
Then the minute you think they're in your
Dm
G
hand, they're gone
C
Am
Turns out you're not both on
Dm
the page you thought you were
C
Am
You think that you're all they want, and there's
F
G
someone they prefer
F
G
It's no-one's fault really
C
Em
That's just how it is
Dm
G
When you've given your whole heart away
Am
Em
It doesn't mean you have all of his
F
G
C
It's nobody's fault, that's just how it is.
If you'd told me just a few years ago
What I'd be doing now
I would have laughed and said
you were mistaken somehow
I'm unemployed, undersexed, unexciting,
my friends keep moving away
I dreamed of living an adventurous life,
and look where I am today
There have been three Carolines

during the life of this show. Breden
and Ward thought they should write
the third, Wolden, a solo that shed
enjoy. Instead, she was given this.
P a g e | 11

You plan for tomorrows that never come
You settle for something, you settle for this
When everything's burning to the ground
F
G
F
12 | P a g e
Sung by Caroline and Melvin

CAROLINE
Dm
Why do you do it, Melvin? Why must you
C
be such a thoughtlessMELVIN
Look, I made a mistake-
The reprise of Why Must They

Sing is much closer to the tone
of the original version than its
first appearance in this book.
We havent included all the
various lyrical drafts in this
book, because there is a limit.
CAROLINE
Dm
G
A fucking mistake? Your clothes accidentally fell off?
MELVIN
Look, if you just give me a chance
CAROLINE
Dm
I've given you so many chances over this year, Melvin
C
I've given you so many opportunities to be a prick, Melvin
Dm
I've given you so much free space to be dick, Melvin
G
How can you possibly think you've been wronged?
CAROLINE
I've given you so many chances and you've
failed, Melvin
So many opportunities you've bailed,
Melvin
You got so much free space and you failed,
Melvin
To think that I thought we belonged
together
MELVIN
You're not perfect, you're the same as me
Hardly an example of acting faithfully
You talk to this waitress more than me!
P a g e | 13
MELVIN
Dm
Do you know why we keep coming to this shithole?
RUBBER
Oi!
MELVIN
C
So you can talk to this waitressCAROLINE
Dm
I can't have friends, now, fine! Take another thing away I thought was mine, like your heart.
MELVIN
You have my heart, I have yoursCAROLINE
Shut the fuck up! You don't get to speak, you utter piece of shit!
14 | P a g e
Sung by Caroline
Am
I'll update your status, make it clear you're a dick
Dm
Duplicitous bastard with a pinsize prick
Am
I'll email your exes, tell them you're infectious
Dm
Em
Am
Dear Melvin, Fuck You, PS: Please rot in Hell!
I'll send pics to your mum of your googly-eyed cock
The miserable bitch will keel over in shock
I'll post it on Reddit, on Twitter as well
@Melvin you bastard #rotinhell
Em
Am
Em
Am
I'll change your screen name to UKIPStoatToucher13
Em
Am
Make a looping video
Dm
Of your flaccid member bouncing up and down
Em
Am
Of your tiny penis twirling round and around
Set it to the Benny Hill Theme
And send it round your workplace...
I'll update your status, make it clear you're a dick
Duplicitous bastard with a pinsize prick
What is with the standard of man I pick?
I think I'm so smart, why is my heart so thick?
This was written for the second

Caroline, Isabelle Staniaszek, and
was first performed at Emergency!
at the Y Theatre in June 2013. Feel
free to sing it at your loved ones.
P a g e | 15
Sung by Caroline, Melvin, and Rubber

CAROLINE
C
F
G
There are only so many nights I can eat Haribo, alone
MELVIN
Only so many Friday nights I can play Super Mario, alone
CAROLINE & MELVIN
C
Am
F
G
I know I need a true friend on whom I can always depend
F
G
C
But since you're here, you'll have to do
CAROLINE
Since Youre Here served as

the finale to the short shows,
and thus slotted neatly into the
long show as the Act Two
finale. Ward, however, thought
that having two finales in the
middle of a show would be
quite funny. Everyones been
regretting that joke ever since.
The Nandocas know the shows
coming back into shape when
they can make it through this
song without dissolving.
C
F
G
So many nights retweeting lies in my underwear alone
Dressing the cat in drag and hoping for a ring on the phone
Crying at Made in Chelsea and washing my hair
Standing at the bar, hoping my true love will just take me then and there
C
Am
F
G
So many years of my life dreaming of someone more attractive than you,
F
G
C
But since you're here, you'll have to do.
MELVIN
D
G
A
So many nights I've alphabetised all of my porno mags alone
Pretending to read Molire, wishing for a woman to call my own
Sighing out the window, having an online affair
Singing those silly love songs in the key of despair
D
Bm
G
A
So many years of my life wanking over girls more attractive than you,
G
A
D
16 | P a g e
RUBBER
E
A
B
So many nights worrying about a girl who's probably happy
Then standing on my feet all day as a chicken devotee
Rearranging the sauces, eating reheated fries
Every time I think of them together something in me dies
E
C#m
A
B
Caroline, there could be somebody so much better for you
A
B
But now you're marrying him
A
B
You're marrying blooming Melvin
A
B
E
Since you're happy with him, he'll have to do.
A
B
Since you don't need me, you need him, he'll have to (do.)
CAROLINE & MELVIN
F
C
Whatever this life throws at us, I'm sure that we'll be fine
Dm
Am
G
We'll work out all our problems, given patience, given time
F
Am
Em
C
The future's still unknown that's true and there's no telling what time will do
F
Dm G
C
But I'm looking forward to trying this with you
MELVIN
F
G
C
F
Anything you dream, my dear, I'll get something similar for you
F
G
C
G
I'll try my best to meet your test cos that's the most I can do
F
C
Em
F
It's meant to be your special day and I can guarantee it'll be at least OK
Dm
F
G
All your feasible wishes will come true
P a g e | 17
MELVIN
CAROLINE
Commitment's more than a little bit scary

I'm sweating more than is ordinary
I fucked up, but I repented
I was afraid that you would end it
It's you I want, it's you I've been dreaming of

This is definitely right, we're definitely in love
I don't love her, she's just my friend
Rubber's beautiful, but she's just my friend
CAROLINE & MELVIN
Its still going.
I love you baby!

F
C
We don't know as much about each other as we guessed
Dm
Am
G
But now we have our life together, we'll learn about the rest
F
Am
Em
C
We can't predict what's next it's true, there's no telling what time will do
F
Dm
G
C
But I'm looking forward to finding out with you
MELVIN
CAROLINE
(C)
I love you!
I love you!
FG
(F) (G)
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
Only you, I love you!

I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
RUBBER
Caroline, there's something need to

tell you, something I need to
say, if that's OK. I
really need to tell you...
Caroline, there's something I need to
tell you, Caroline, there's something I need to
tell you, Caroline, there's something I-
CAROLINE & MELVIN

We can't predict what's next it's true
There's no telling what time will do
18 | P a g e
RUBBER
Oh God, Caroline, how I want you!
CAROLINE & MELVIN
RUBBER
C
Everything is going to be perfect!
F
G
Everything is going to be perfect, oh!
But I know that he wants you too

I can't compete with 'I do'
I should wish you all the best
But my heart is bursting from my chest
I wish I could just touch your hair
And unfasten your underwear
With my teeth
I should wish you the best
But my heart is bursting out of me, oh!
Sometimes, even when all is silence, Breden can

still hear Caroline, theres something I need to
tell you reverberating on the wind. His final
missive may well be that phrase typed out over
and over again, a la The Shining.
P a g e | 19
20 | P a g e
Sung by Rubber
Gm
Fm
It was so long ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday
Gm
Fm
I was halfway up a mountain, working in a little Italian cafe
Gm
Fm
When an impossibly beautiful man beckoned me over, and ordered a coffee - black as sin.
Gm
Fm
Am
I asked who it was for, and he paused, and he told me his impossible name. Mr. Tango Chicken.
Am
He had brown hair, he had deep brown eyes
E7
He was such a gentleman it hurt
He was older, by a decade or so
Am
The devil in a black silk shirt
Am
He asked me my name, I tried to tell him my name
E7
but my mouth was dry so silence filled the air
I told him, he said "meet in this bar
Dm
E7
A7
at 8pm. I do expect you will be there."
Dm
I smiled and danced all night
E7
Pressed against him so tight
G
F
Am
I had never felt more swell
Dm
And when the music was gone
E7
The dancing in my heart carried on
Dm E7
Am F
He lit a fire inside I couldn't quell
Am
It seems like every bloody musical

has some sort of tango or Latin
American dance in it. Rent, Moulin
Rouge, Nine, you name it. Even
Matilda the Musical features the
tarantella. We place the blame for
this squarely at West Side Storys
feet. However, if you cant beat them,
join them. And its always fun
teaching Bloomfield some
rudimentary dance steps. Deane
added some great Spanish melodic
flair, Deans had some damn good
tapping, but Escotts kazoo solo
undoubtedly wins the day.
P a g e | 21
Am
It was a Sunday, only three months had passed
E7
I was standing at the altar in my wedding dress
It was true love, so why bother to wait?
Dm
E7
Am
I asked him if he'd marry me and he said yes
I was so happy, I had my fairytale
I was no longer a damsel in distress
Then we married, I accepted his name
Then we danced and ate and drank to an excess
We smiled and danced all night
Pressed against him so tight
I had never felt more grand
And when the music was gone
The dancing in my heart carried on
I loved him more than I could understand.
[Instrumental verse, dancing, crecendos, stops abruptly.]
Then I saw it, once the music had stopped
My husband of less than a day
Kissing my bridesmaids, pressed against the wall
In a less than husbandly way
I started running, I just started to run
No-one tried to stop me, they just gave way
I never looked back, but I still keep his name
to remind myself to never be love's prey again.
22 | P a g e
Sung by Caroline and Rubber

CAROLINE
D
G
Sometimes you think life couldn't possibly get worse
D
A
Sometimes you think you've reached the end of whatever fucking curse you're under
D
G
That's when the universe decides to shit on you from high
G
A
G
A
D
And what was a manageable pile of shit now reaches to the sky
D
Just when you're at your lowest ebb
G
When the world seems like a living hell
D
That's when the slap in your face becomes
A
A kick in the arse as well
D
Once your life has totally collapsed
G
And you've had your little cry
A
You realise you're out of G&T
G
A
D
Oh, it makes you wanna die.
G
Just when you think it's shit, it gets shitter
D
Rock bottom turned out to be halfway
G
Bm
A
Just when you think it's shit, it gets even more shit
G
A
D
It's funny how life's crap that way
We are glad that, through channelling

Monty Python and Douglas Adams, we
have stumbled upon a song that is
very useful in everyday life. Ward
keeps threatening a pop version of it,
but he likes the nonsensical verse
about chicken waitressing too much to
commit to a more generalised rewrite.
The songs just arent as good without
the characters that sing them. In
Firebug, Caroline drunkenly took the
ukulele and strummed the first verse.
Sadly cut for time.
P a g e | 23
RUBBER
You find out the chicken you cooked
Expired a month ago
And the fries are sorely undercooked
Oh, your day just fills with woe
But as soon as you think that you
Are safe from further peril
You find out you have to mop up the sick
Of an elderly woman called Beryl
CAROLINE & RUBBER
You fall right through the bottom of the heap
And you find out you've been shitting in your sleep
RUBBER
Wait, what?
CAROLINE
1! 2!
CAROLINE & RUBBER
1! 2! 3!
And everyone will fuck you on the way
And everyone will fuck you on the way!
Yes, everyone will fuck you on the way!
24 | P a g e
Sung by Melvin
G
C
You sat and you watched and you plotted and schemed
D
C
G
While we thought that you were our friend
G
C
But you weren't really what you seemed
F
D
C
G
You manipulated us to your own ends
G
D
My mother warned me about women like you
F
C
G
All thoughts and emotions and shit
C
D
F
C
I should have listened to mummy more
C
D
G
Instead you've made me look like a tit
I've had it with your aphorisms, your so-called good advice
You were only out to steal my bride
I should have known, it is your job to pretend to be nice
Cluck off, chicken, please just go get fried
Pure evil in heels and a bra
You're a cold hearted bitch in an apron
Now run away- buck off! Like the chicken you are.
Em
Am
Just go away, no-one will ever love you
Em
Am
Just flap away, is your mama real proud of you?
Em
Am
Fly, fly away, we've had enough of you
Am
D
Leave, now, and never come back!
Pure evil in heels and a bra
You're a stone hearted bitch in an apron
Now run away- buck off! Like the chicken you are.
Run away- buck off! Like the chicken you are.
Just run away like the chicken you are!
This was one of the very last songs

written for Nandos, composed at
the point where Wards brain was
melting out of his ears. The keen
musical minds among you will
notice it has the same chord
sequence as Anything You
Dream. We return to our earlier
question: lazy or clever?
P a g e | 25
Sung by Rubber
G
I like your hair
I like your eyes
You don't hide or disguise yourself
You're sweet and you're nice
You dress in such lovely clothes
You're my only vice
D
I love you, Caroline!
I love you, Caroline!
Naww, sweet.
26 | P a g e

CAROLINE
D
G
At first it was nice, it felt pretty good
Em
A
I felt kinda wanted, it was sort of alright
D
G
But it didn't get better, you didn't treat me like you should
Em
A
D
You took me for granted, and so, goodnight.
G
D
This isn't so much goodbye as fuck off
G
A
Let's not stay friends, let's not take it slow
G
D
This isn't a tearful breakup, it's catharsis
A
G
D
Just go, I won't miss you, just go
G D G D
Just go, just go.
MELVIN
At first you were all
'I only want you'
But that feeling faded
Then turned into a lie
Quite frankly, my chicken
Your heart was untrue
We could never have made it
And so, goodbye.
Just go, just go.
Em
This is all of your fault, you chicken witch
Yes, its Les Mis crossed with Mumford

& Sons. Deans favourite song to play.
If the Nandocas had taken a shot of
tequila every time someone forgot the
last a capella chorus, none of us would
still be alive.
P a g e | 27
CAROLINE
Bm
This is no one's fault but yours, you prick
RUBBER
Em
A
If you'd wanted her, you should have tried loving her
MELVIN
Em
If you had stayed out of it you stupid fowlCAROLINE
Bm
How dare you say thatRUBBER
Let the lame dog howl.
MELVIN
Em
A
Fuck you both very much. I hope you're happy together
CAROLINE, MELVIN & RUBBER
Bm
A
This isn't a wedding day, it's a forgetting day
Just go, just go.
MELVIN
Just oh.
28 | P a g e
P a g e | 29
Sung by Caroline and Melvin

CAROLINE
G
Em
C
D
You will have to be the sort of man that tells you how he feels
G
Em
C
D
Strong, true, resolute, in love - head over heels!
Em
C
Em
D
The strength and grace of Gene Kelly and the wit of Fred Astaire
G
C
D
A smile on your face, a song in your heart, going through life with flair
C
D
G
Em
You may think it's cheesy but that's how you've gotta be
C
D
G
to be with a musical theatre nerd like me
Imagine life's a musical - which part do you play?
Are you the antagonist representing moral decay?
Are just a dancer without even one line?
Why not be the hero and ignite the world with rhyme?
Come on, join in! What's the worst that could happen?
MELVIN
Jazz hands.
The Nandocas like this song,

which was written for the
Firebug workshop version.
However, we needed to get the
show down to an hour. This
song doesnt advance the plot,
and the first act is much
simpler without it, so it was a
relatively easy cut to make.
Bm
C
Bm
C
I can only try to be your leading man, I can only try the best I can
Bm
C
D
I can only do what I'm capable of, but I'll try
CAROLINE
Stand straight, eyes up, face front, project to the back
Once you've got the theatre bug there is no going back
Put on the greasepaint, honey, your finest suit
Be the man who's strong and brave and true and resolute
to be with a musical theatre nerd like...
C C7 G
me...eee!
30 | P a g e
Sung by Melvin, Caroline and Rubber

MELVIN
D
I didn't need to piss at all, I just needed to get away
G
The same old shit I'm sick of hearing every single day
D
Complaining all the bloody time, my God that bitch be cray,
G
It's not ok. She's all,
"I'm an independent black woman bitch and I don't need no man"
How could a girl like Caroline possibly understand
That maybe I need her and I need her to stop being such a damn
mean man. woman. Female person.
A
I need someone to be there for me when I'm not feeling good at all
G
Not someone who shouts at me just because I never call
A
Her blowjobs are mediocre at best, and worst of all
G
She interrupts my songs-
CAROLINE
The arsehole has some gall to take so long!
MELVIN / CAROLINE
So long I've been so fucking bored / he smells so fucking bad
RUBBER
So long and oh such pretty hair, it makes my heart feel glad
MELVIN & CAROLINE
Why am I with someone who is so completely bad for me?
P a g e | 31
RUBBER
I want to twirl it in my fingers
MELVIN & CAROLINE

A
G
A
G
A
D
The chicken would have to be the best poultry we've had to save this date!
This song was written for the Emergency! incarnation, went down a storm,
and didnt make it out of there. Expanding the story from twenty-ish minutes
to a full-length piece required songs that less blatantly shifted the plot to a
conclusion, so this one was sacrificed. This was sad, because the three
interweaving parts at the end is quite nice and very Les Mis. However,
Bloomfield was quite happy to see the back of it, since he was never quite sure
when he was supposed to come in. A little Billy Talent-esque, for some reason.
32 | P a g e
Sung by Melvin
D
G
I try so hard to be an OK guy
D
G
Although I've made a few mistakes, oh god I try
D
G
Sometimes I just act before I think
D
G
Or overestimate the amount of beer I can drink
A
I'm not saying I've got everything right
G
I know that isn't so
A
But don't expect me to be the perfect
G
A
D
gentleman - I'm just this guy, you know?
MELVIN
RUBBER
I try so hard to be the man she deserves

But some days, no matter what I do,
I just get on her nerves
I might not be perfect, but neither is she
And I don't think that she's trying as hard as me
I'm not saying that I'm am an easy boyfriend
I know that isn't so
But I can't carry both sides of a relationship
I'm just this guyEm
I know I messed up! I own up! This one's all me, but if I
Bm
get one more chance I'll show her I'm worthy of her
Em
loving, her kissing, her bed in the night
Bm
I need her so, like the day needs the light
Em
I got led astray by a pair of tits and a
I'm not saying you haven't tried

But we both know you lied to her
She hasn't been cheating on her partner
Stop screwing up happily ever after!
We know that isn't so

You're "just this guy"-
P a g e | 33
Bm
promised blowjob from ruby red lips,
Em
but I'm back now, I know now, just how much I
A
need her!
I try so hard to be an ok guy
I know I've made a big mistake, but oh god I try
I just need one more chance, just one more chance
to rekindle our fine romance
I'm not saying I can get her back
That's some I don't know
But I've got to try, because without her...
I'm just this guy, you know?
Bloomfield was not happy when I Wasnt Wanking

came back to life, complete with the same awkward
intro, as Im Just This Guy, You Know?. However, it
has a nice counter melody, and since it was one of
Melvins few opportunities to be the focus of attention
all were glad to welcome it into the show. Obviously, it
was then cut for time. Sorry, Melvin.
34 | P a g e
Sung by Caroline
D
Then you had a little too much
G
And you said you loved me
D
You stumbled through the toilets
G
Shouting that you loved me
D
Nowadays I barely know
Em
if you're thinking of me
D
Oh Melvin, I need to know
Em
if you love me
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
Or...?
The longest version of Nandos and

Nandonts: A Musical had a couple of
micro-songs such as this, and I Like Your
Hair and its reprise are the only ones
which survive. Do You Love Me is one
both Wolden and Ward particularly regret
losing. Hopefully itll find another home.
P a g e | 35
36 | P a g e
Sung by Caroline
C
Am
You meet someone, you date, you talk,
Dm
G
You think you've found the one
C
Am
Then the minute you think they're in your
Dm
G
hand, they're gone
C
Am
Turns out you're not both on
Dm
the page you thought you were
C
Am
You think that you're all they want, and there's
F
G
someone they prefer
F
G
C
Em
Dm
G
When you've given your whole heart away
Am
Em
It doesn't mean you have all of his
F
G
C
If you'd told me just a few years ago
What I'd be doing now
I would have laughed and said
you were mistaken somehow
I'm unemployed, undersexed, unexciting,
my friends keep moving away
I dreamed of living an adventurous life,
and look where I am today
Nobodys Fault was cut down for its

festival performances due to time
restraints and the fact Ward writes the
same bridge for everything. Heres the
full number, not heard since Firebug.
P a g e | 37


t's nobody's fault, that's just how it is.
Em
No one pouts, no one cries, no one shouts,
F
no one makes an objection, they just keep on living
Em
through pain and rejection, through rain, through winters that
G
last far too long
I thought I had found someone who could
fill my empty heart
But nowadays it's emptier than it was at the start
You know it's funny how an empty heart
can still skip a beat
I could leave but without him my body's incomplete
You're still aching for their kiss
F
G
F C
38 | P a g e
Sung by Rubber
C
D
Anything you dream...
C
D
Is there anything I dream?
C
D
I dream they'll be...
For the completists, the two

reprises from Firebug. Originally at
the end of Act One, and just after
Mr. Tango Chicken in Act Three.
I hope that she's happy.
Sung by Rubber
C
D
C
D
Anything you dream just slips away.
P a g e | 39

CAROLINE
C
F
G
There are only so many nights I can eat Haribo, alone
MELVIN
Only so many Friday nights I can play Super Mario, alone
CAROLINE & MELVIN
C
Am
F
G
I know I need a true friend on whom I can always depend
F
G
C
But since you're here, you'll have to do
Believe it or not, the finale

used to be shorter. This song
was written for our first
Caroline, Nicola Brown, and
closed the show on its own.
CAROLINE
C
F
G
So many nights retweeting lies in my underwear alone
Dressing the cat in drag and hoping for a ring on the phone
Crying at Made in Chelsea and washing my hair
Standing at the bar, hoping my true love will just take me then and there
C
Am
F
G
So many years of my life dreaming of someone more attractive than you,
F
G
C
MELVIN
D
G
A
So many nights I've alphabetised all of my porno mags alone
Pretending to read Molire, wishing for a woman to call my own
Sighing out the window, having an online affair
Singing those silly love songs in the key of despair
D
Bm
G
A
So many years of my life wanking over girls more attractive than you,
G
A
D
40 | P a g e
Proteus (Emergency) ending:

MELVIN & CAROLINE
But since youre already here, youll have to do.
MELVIN (RUBBER)
F
G
But since you're here!
CAROLINE
But since you're here (fuck off Melvin)
In the Proteus version, Melvin and Caroline

sang together, Rubber intercepted to kiss
Caroline, then sang (yes, sang) the end!
In Emergency! she made her move slightly
earlier, hence Carolines little aside.
Precious memories.
TOGETHER
But since you're here...
C
You'll have to do.
RUBBER
Ahh [kiss] The end!
Firebug ending:
CAROLINE & MELVIN
G
D
I know we've had our differences but now I see differently
G
A
For too long it's been just me alone but now it's you and me
G
D
It's everything I wished for, all that I hoped it would be
G
So why do I feel what we feel isn't real
A
E
Why can't I just be happy? I am happy!
RUBBER
E
A
B
So many nights worrying about a girl who's probably happy
Then standing on my feet all day as a chicken devotee
Rearranging the sauces, eating reheated fries
Every time I think of them together something in me dies
P a g e | 41
E
C#m
A
B
Caroline, there could be somebody so much better for you
A
B
But now you're marrying him
A
B
You're marrying blooming Melvin
A
B
E
Since you're happy with him, he'll have to do.
A
B
Since you don't need me, you need him, he'll have to do.
CAROLINE & MELVIN
Dm
Am
We're just getting married
Dm
Gm
That's something right for us, that's good
MELVIN
Bb
Darling, I'm sorry for myCAROLINE
F
No, I'm sorry for myMELVIN
Truce?
CAROLINE
Truce!
MELVIN
Bb
We're getting married!
CAROLINE
C
I'm getting married.
RUBBER
I...
CAROLINE
Hang on!
Believe it or not, the finale used to be

longer. Talking, a bridge, a reprise of
Lets Go to Nandos, its all going on
here. No wonder we got rid of it.
42 | P a g e

F#-G
F#-G
CAROLINE
MELVIN
G
Melvin, I want a little honesty
And a little more monogamy
Don't let me wonder if you love me
If push comes to shove, you'd better not
shove me
C
D
I'll try, I'll try, oh!
I'll try, I'll try, oh, I'll try!
Try not to get so worked up over things

Pick up your mobile when it rings
Pick up your underwear from the bathroom
floor
If we both work hard, we can build up our
rapport

G
CAROLINE & MELVIN

C
G
Whatever this life throws at us, I'm sure that we'll be fine
Am
Em
D
We'll work out all our problems, given patience, given time
C
Em
Bm
G
The future's still unknown that's true and there's no telling what time will do
C
Am D
G
But I'm looking forward to trying this with you
CAROLINE
The wedding needs to be just right
A magical day, then we party all night
I need to sparkle and feel unique
And you need to sweep me off of my feet
MELVIN
CAROLINE & MELVIN

Our wedding day'll be better than we've ever dreamed of
We can prove to everyone how much we are in love
P a g e | 43
MELVIN
C
D
G
C
Anything you dream, my dear, I'll get something similar for you
C
D
G
D
I'll try my best to meet your test cos that's the most I can do
C
G
Bm
C
It's meant to be your special day and I can guarantee it'll be at least OK
Am
D G
All your feasible wishes will come true
CAROLINE & MELVIN

C
Everything is going to be perfect, it's gonna be!
R.A.M.O.N.E.S. Ramones! God, this

song is long enough on its own. So
much repeating. What were we
thinking?! The harmonica solo was
much appreciated, though, as was
Deanes ukulele playing.
F
G
[Break. Rubber is handed the uke and some sheet music, ukulele player takes out harmonica]
UKULELEIST
1, 2, 1 2 3 4!
[Harmonica solo]
MELVIN
CAROLINE
C
Commitment's more than a little bit scary
It's you I want, it's you I've been dreaming of
I'm sweating more than is ordinary
This is definitely right, we're definitely in love
I fucked up, but I repented
I don't love her, she's just my friend
I was afraid that you would end it
Rubber's beautiful, but she's just my friend
44 | P a g e
CAROLINE & MELVIN

I love you baby!
F
C
Dm
Am
G
F
Am
Em
C
We can't predict what's next it's true, there's no telling what time will do
F
Dm
G
C
MELVIN
CAROLINE
(C)
I love you!
I love you!
FG
(F) (G)
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!

I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
I love you!
RUBBER
Caroline, there's something need to

tell you, something I need to
say, if that's OK. I
really need to tell you...
Caroline, there's something I need to
tell you, Caroline, there's something I-
CAROLINE & MELVIN

P a g e | 45
RUBBER
Oh God, Caroline, how I want you!
CAROLINE & MELVIN
RUBBER
C
F
G
Everything is going to be perfect, oh!
But I know that he wants you too

I can't compete with 'I do'
I should wish you all the best
But my heart is bursting from my chest
I wish I could just touch your hair
And unfasten your underwear
With my teeth
I should wish you the best
But my heart is bursting out of me, oh!
I bet youre tired just reading that. Think

how exhausted we felt doing it! Thankfully
the Firebug show had an interval.
46 | P a g e
The Nandocas would like to thank

Benjamin Alborough and all at Proteus, Emily Breden, Ross
Clement, Tinny and all at The Cookie, all at Daves Leicester
Comedy Festival, The Demon, Alison Dunne, Holly Ellis, Kt Ellis,
all at La Favorita Freestival, The Grade, Katherine Heath, Nathan
Human, Nick Palmer, Miles Orton, Joanna Smith and all at The Y,
Victoria Spencer, Karl Strickland and all at Hansom Hall, Adam
Unwin, A Younger Theatre, our families and friends, all who
liked, retweeted, or otherwise helped promote the show, and
every one of our audience members
for all of their invaluable support. The chicken rides!
P a g e | 47
48 | P a g e

Nando's and Nandon'ts: A Musical (A Songbook)

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Nando's and Nandon'ts: A Musical (A Songbook)

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2|Page

REBEL BREED presents

Sung by Melvin and Caroline

Nandos and Nandonts was started in April

The first incarnation of Nandos

Sung by Melvin and Caroline

Ward reckons this song sounds like

Deane still takes the piss out of

There have been three Carolines

It's no-one's fault really

Sung by Caroline and Melvin

The reprise of Why Must They

This was written for the second

Sung by Caroline, Melvin, and Rubber

Since Youre Here served as

Commitment's more than a little bit scary

It's you I want, it's you I've been dreaming of

CAROLINE & MELVIN

Its still going.

I love you baby!

Only you, I love you!

Caroline, there's something need to

CAROLINE & MELVIN

But I know that he wants you too

Sometimes, even when all is silence, Breden can

It seems like every bloody musical

Sung by Caroline and Rubber

We are glad that, through channelling

This was one of the very last songs

Sung by Caroline, Melvin, and Rubber

Yes, its Les Mis crossed with Mumford

Sung by Caroline and Melvin

The Nandocas like this song,

Sung by Melvin, Caroline and Rubber

MELVIN & CAROLINE

I try so hard to be the man she deserves

I'm not saying you haven't tried

We know that isn't so

Bloomfield was not happy when I Wasnt Wanking

The longest version of Nandos and

Nobodys Fault was cut down for its

It's no-one's fault really

It's no-one's fault really

For the completists, the two

I hope that she's happy.

Sung by Caroline, Melvin, and Rubber

Believe it or not, the finale

Proteus (Emergency) ending:

In the Proteus version, Melvin and Caroline

Believe it or not, the finale used to be

Sung by Caroline, Melvin, and Rubber

Try not to get so worked up over things

I'll try, I'll try, oh!

CAROLINE & MELVIN

CAROLINE & MELVIN

CAROLINE & MELVIN

R.A.M.O.N.E.S. Ramones! God, this

Commitment's more than a little bit scary

It's you I want, it's you I've been dreaming of

I'm sweating more than is ordinary

This is definitely right, we're definitely in love

I fucked up, but I repented

I don't love her, she's just my friend