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10StepstoMoveOnFromaRelationship
1.

NotefromCeles:Asthisseriesconclude,Idliketothankallofyouguysforyourfeedback.Thisserieshas
generatedthemostdiscussiontodateandImgladmyexperiencehashelpedyougaininsights.Formyself,
readingyourresponsesandexperienceshavegivenmetheinvaluableopportunitytolearnmoreaboutyou.
Meanwhile,pleaseenjoythelastpartofthisseries.

MovingOnIsntEasy
Illbehonestwithyou:Movingonisnteasy.IfitwasntfortheexperiencewithG,Idthinkmovingonisjusta
matterofputtingthepastbehindus.Imean,youwanttomoveon?Justforgetaboutthepast!Getoverit.Look
onwardtothefuture.Keepyourselfbusywithotherthings.
UhuhNotsoeasy.Whilethesedohelpinsomeway,Irealizedthereismorethanmeetstheeye.Nomatter
howItriedtopushawaythepast,thepasthungtherelikeashroud,affectingthewayIthoughtaboutmyself,
mydecisionsandactions.IdidntrealizethisuntilIcametotherealizationswhichhelpedmeletgo.Ultimately,
therewerepastbaggagestoclearandsubconscious,erroneousbeliefstountanglebeforeIcouldreallymove
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on.Alltheserequireanabilitytothinkconsciouslyandtomaintainalevelofobjectivity,whichishardbecause
suchmattersareusuallylinkedtodeepsorrowsandinjuredpride.
Often,wethinkwehavemovedonbutwehavent.Thiswasthecaseformeforthepastfewyears.Forthe
longesttime,whileIthoughtIhadmovedon,subconsciouslyIhadnot.Thinkingyouhavemovedonand
havingreallymovedonaretwoseparatesituationsaltogether.Intheformer,youcontinuetoliveunderthe
shadowofthatpersonorrelationshipwithoutrealizingit.Youthinkyouhavebeenliberatedbuttruthisyouare
stilllivinginamentalprisonasyoukeepthinkingaboutthepersonandpastmemories.Thispreventsyoufrom
receivingnewthingsinyourlife.

12SignsToTellIfYouHaveNotMovedOn
Foryoutomoveon,youhavetofirstknowwhetheryouhavemovedonornot.Hereare12signstotellifyou
havenotmovedon:
1.Whenyouthinkofthepersonmoreoftenthannot.
2.Whenyouthinkabouthim/hereventhoughyoudontwantto.
3.Whenyoukeepmentallyrelivingpastmemorieswithhim/her,usuallythehappy/sweetones.
4.Whenhe/shecomestomindthefirstinstantwhenyouaredownandout.
5.Whenyoustillhavequestionsandresignationsaboutthepast.Youwonderwhatcouldhavebeenorwhy
didntitturnoutacertainway.
6.Whenyouassignblameforthewaythingsturnedout,whetheritstohim/her,yourselforthe
circumstance.
7.Whenthought/sightofhim/hertriggercertainemotionalreactions,suchasaversion,anxiety,frustration,
resignation.
8.Whenyoukeeptryingtoimproveyourselfbecauseyoufeelyouwerenotgoodenough(forhim/her).
9.Whenyouhaveadesiretospitehim/her,asawayofmakinghim/herregretforwhateverhappened.
10.Whenyouoftenbringupthepersoninyourconversations,evenwhenthereisnorelation.
11.Whenyouhaveadesireorurgetocontacthim/hereventhoughyoupreviouslytoldyourselfyoudidnt
wantto.
12.Whenyoufindyourselflivingoutthesameloopingpatterns.Averycommonexamplewouldbeonagain,
offagainrelationshipswiththatperson.Oralingeringstateofrelationshipthatdoesntgetanywhere.Evenif
youarewithotherpeople,iftherelationshipsactoutinthesamepatternasthepast,itreflectsyouhavenot
movedon.Theresapartofyouentrenchedinthepastwhichismakingthesamesituationreenactitself,just
withadifferentperson.

MovingOnTakesTime
Themovingonprocesswilltaketime,probablylongerthanyoumightthink.Imtalkingaboutbeingfully
cleansedofalllingeringhangupsandscarsfromtheincident,notjustmovingononasurfacelevel.
FREEBONUS:Ivecompiledmyentire5partmovingonseriesintoaPDFebookforyoutoreadinyourown
time.
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Togetthefreeebook,enteryourname&email:
DOWNLOAD

Ittookme4wholeyearsbeforeIwasabletofullyreleasemyselffromGsshadowandourpseudorelationship.
ThereweremanytimeswhenIcametoanewrevelationandthoughtIhadthusmovedon,onlytorealize
afterwardtherewasmoreinnerbaggagetobecleared.ThisdidntmeanIwasntmakingprogressbeforeitjust
meanttheemotionalwoundwasdeeperthanIthought.
Inthese4years,therewasatruckloadofbaggagecleared.Tobehonest,itreallyshockedmetoknowthe
amountofbaggagethatwasstoredinsidemeallthiswhile,despiteactivelylivingconsciously.Forone,it
affirmedthejourneyofconsciousgrowthneverendsitsanongoingone.Two,tohavesomuchbaggage
createdfromarelativelyshortperiodoftime(wefirstpartedways1.5yearsofknowingeachother)showeda
lotofmentalbaggageisprettymuchselfcreated.Itscompoundedbyourprojectionsofpeople,
assumptionsofsituations,expectationsofhowrelationshipsshouldbe,etc.
Ifyouarestillholdingontowhatcouldhavebeen,itstimetoreleaseyourself.Nomorementaltortureor
mentalinhibitions.Nomoreholdingyourselfbackforsomethingthatcannotcometopass.
Dependingonhowdeeptheemotionalimpactwas,itmighttakeseveralphasesbeforeyoucanreallymoveon.
Thinkofitasajourney,ratherthanabinaryYes/Nocheckpoint.Whateveryoudo,youwilldefinitelybemaking
progresseverystepalongtheway.Beitbitterorsweet,eachtimeyouareclearingbaggage,bitbybit.Each
stepisanactofhealinginitself.

10UsefulStepsToMoveOnFromARelationship
Herearemypersonal10stepstohelpyouinthishealingjourney.

1.Clearyourbaggage.Acknowledge,acceptandletgoofyourfeelings
Witheverybrokenrelationshipcomesbaggage.The(a)longerand(b)moreintenseyourrelationshipis,the
morebaggageyoudhaveaccumulated.ThelengthoftimemeandGwereinclose,activecommunicationwas
about2.5~3yearsintotal.Notverylongcomparedtoothers,yettherewassomuchbaggagetobeclearedin
myhead!Ifyourrelationshipwaslonger,Icanimaginetheremustbealotmoreforyoutodealwith.
Ourbaggagewillbeamixtureofsadness,regret,hope,wistfulness,melancholy,disappointment.Ifthe
relationshipwasintense,yourbaggagewillprobablyincludehate,grief,anger,fear,shameandotherdeeper
emotions.Itsnaturaltofeelthese.Whatevertheemotionis,openyourselftotheemotionfully.This
meansifyouhatetheperson,feelthathatred.Ifyoufeelsad,soakinyoursadness.Ifyoufeeltheneedto
grief,thenpleasegrief.Cryifneedbe.Taketimeoutforyourselftoprocessthesefeelings.Dontblockthem
away.Embracethemandacceptthem.
Dontbottlethemin,becauseasweallknowtheywillexplodeinthefuturewhenleastexpected.Youmight
haveheardofpeoplewhoclaimtohavemovedonbyshuttingoff/avoidingtheiremotionsaltogether.They
mayfeelliketheyhavemovedon,butwhatsreallyhappeningistheissuehasjustbecomesodeeplyburied
thatitdoesntcauseanyimmediatereaction.Itslikehavingacutthatishealedonthesurface,butstillhas
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impuritiesunderneaththescar.Tocompletethecleansingprocess,allthedirthastobecleansed.Todosoyou
needtofirstacknowledgeandacceptyourfeelings.
Asyouconnectwiththeseemotions,slowlyletthemgo.Feelthem,understandthesource,thenrelease
them.Somesuggestionswouldbetotalktoagoodfriend,journalingormeditation.Sleepinghelpstoclear
mentalbaggagetoobutjustbeconsciousthatyoudontturntosleepasasourceofescapism.

2.Recognizehe/sheisnottheoneforyou
Alargeportionwhyyoucantmoveonisprobablybecauseyoukeepseeinghim/herastheoneforyou.You
justcantseeyourselfwithanyoneelsebuthim/her.Suchfixationsaredangerous.Thisleadsyoutolingeron
andon,hopingforasomedaywhichwillnevercome.Notonlythat,itleadstoalotofmentalprojections
bothonyouandofhim/her.
OnethingIverealizedisthatifthepartydoesnothavethe110%intentiontobetogether,thenhe/sheisnot
theoneforyou.Ialwaysbelieveifrealintentionisthere,anyobstacles,nomatterhowinsurmountable,canbe
overcome.Iftheintentionisntthere,thenanythingelsecancomeforthasareasonfornotbeingtogether.
Ifyoukeepthinkingthatyouguyswillbetogetheroncethecircumstancechanges,oroncethetimingchanges,
oronceyouareabetterperson,thenperhapsthisisnttherightperson.Theseprerequisitesaresignalsthis
relationshipisntmeanttobe.Becauseultimately,itsnotabouttherightplaceorrighttiming.Itsaboutwhether
he/sheistherightperson.Ifhe/sheistherightperson,youguyswouldhavebeentogetherregardlessofhow
wrongtheplaceortimingis.Thatswhyitscalledtherightperson.

3.Sharewithyourclosefriends
Youdonthavetogothroughthisalone.Yourfriendsarethereforareason,tohelpyou,supportyou,andpull
youthroughthisperiod.
Lookingback,IcantimaginehowIcouldhavedealtwiththissagawithoutmyclosefriendswithme.K,forsure.
Otherclosefriendsincludemysecondaryschoolpals,myjuniorcollegefriend,mygodbrotherwhomIknew
backwhenIwas15andmybestfriendfromuniversity.Thesepeopleweretheretolistentomeandsupportme
whenIwasdown.Theiroverwhelmingpatiencemademeverygratefulforwhotheyareandourfriendships.
Thisexperiencehasundoubtedlystrengthenedourfriendships.

4.Reducecontactwithhim/her
Theinitialhealingperiodofeverywoundisalwaysthemostdelicate.Duringthistime,youwouldntwant
anythingtocomenearandagitateyourwound.Especiallynottheverythingsthewoundissusceptibleto.
Becauseofthat,itmighthelptoreducecontactwiththispersonatthebeginning,ifthatswhatitsgoingtotake
tomoveonfaster.
Therearethreepossiblesituationswhereyoudhavetodoso.
1.Ifyoufeelyoucantmoveonwithconstantreminderofhis/herpresence.
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2.Ifhe/shekeepspesteringyoueventhoughyoujustwanttobefriends.
3.Ifhe/sheactsinawaythatpreventsyoufrommovingon.Forexample,wordsoractionsthataremore
romanticthanplatonic,makingithardforyoutodecipheronthestatusoftherelationship.
IhadtoreducecontactwithGbecausehisactionstowardmemadeithardformetomoveon.Apartofme
keptseeinghimasanidealguy,whileontheotherhandhewastreatingmeinthisspecialwaythatwas
ambiguous.Reducingcontactmadeitmucheasyformetogainclarityonthesituation,thatwhatwehadwasa
friendshipandtherewasnothingmorethanthat.

5.Seekclosurewithhim/her
Attheendofanunrequitedorbrokenrelationship,therearegoingtobealotofunspokenwords,questions,
andpentupemotions.Questionslike:Whydidhe/shedothistome?Whatwashe/shereallyfeelingatthat
time?Didhe/sheeverlikedme?Whycouldntthingsbeworkedout?Youmaytrytorationalizethemaway,but
theywillremainthere,yearningtobeanswered.
Airingthesethoughtstothepersonhelpsyougainclosure.Writedowneverythingyouwanttosaythingsyou
hadqualmswithquestionsyouhavealwayswantedtoask.Arrangeforaheartfelttalkwithhim/herandgetthe
airclearedwiththesequestions.Askforhis/hersideofthestory.Listen.Talkitout.Seekforananswer,in
his/herownwords.
Attheend,youwillfinditsreallynotsomuchtheansweritselfthatmatters,butthefactthattherewasan
answer.Itslikethepiecetothewholepuzzle.Itgivesyoucertaintyonwherehe/shestands.
SomeofyoumayaskWhatifhe/sheavoidstheissueordoesntanswerthequestion(s)?Ifthatsthecase,
theavoidanceitselfistheanswer.Youcaninterpretthebehaviorinwhateverwayyouwantirresponsible,
player,evasive,unsure,conflictedbutthefactis,he/shechosetoavoid.Ifhe/shecantevengiveyoua
properansweryouneed,perhapshe/sheisjustnotworthit.

6.Forgivehim/her
Toforgiveisthehighest,mostbeautifulformoflove.Inreturn,youwillreceiveuntoldpeaceand
happiness.
Ioncereadabookonforgivenesswhichsharedthispowerfulidea.Itsaidthatwheneverwerefusetoforgive
someone,thepersonwearenotforgivingisreallyourselves.
Itmakessensedoesntit?Whenyoufeelangry/bittertowardsomeone,itsnottheotherpersonwhoiscarrying
theangerandbitterness.Itsyou.Forwhatitsworth,theotherpersonisprobablynotawareofhowyouare
feelingtowardhim/her.Youaretheonlypersoncarryingthebaggagearound.Onadeeperlevel,Ibelieveyou
areangry/bitteratyourselfforallowingyourselftobehurtbythisperson.Thiswaswhathappenedtome.
Carryingalltheseheavyweightemotionscanbeverytiring.Itslikewhiledraggingawholepileofcarcasses
whereveryougo.Imsureyoufeeltiredemotionallyandmentallyfromtheepisode.Youcantgetanywherefar
ifyoukeepdraggingthemalong.
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Toforgivehim/her,firstforgiveyourself.Thinkabouthowyouaredenyingyourselfofsomuchhappinessby
holdingontoyourgrievances.Thinkabouthowyouarepreventingyourselffromexperiencingyourreallove
becauseyouarestillhangingontothesebaggage.Wheneveryouholdontosomething,youpreventyourself
fromreceivingnewthingsinlife.Forgiveyourselfforputtingyourselfthroughthistrauma.Forgiveyourselffor
everythingthathashappened.Asyouforgiveyourself,forgivenessoftheotherpersonwilloccurnaturally.
Formoreonforgiveness,read

7.Dothethingsyoulove
Steps16aretiedtoyourinnerworldandspecificallydealingwiththerootoftheissue.Whilespendingtimein
yourinternalworldisimportant,dontlingertoolonginthisstage.Getintosomeactivities.Whatarethethings
thatperkyouup?Thingsthatexciteyou,enthuseyou,makeyoufeelrejuvenated?Exercising?Jogging?
Swimming?Cycling?Rollerblading?Traveling?Goingoutwithfriends?Movies?Watchingadrama?Readinga
book?Engageyourselfinthem.

8.Meetnewpeople
Itseasytogettrappedinyourheadthinkingaboutthethingfortoolong.Meetingnewpeople,friendsor
romanticpotentialsalike,remindshowthereisawholeworldoutthere.Therearemanygreatpeopletoknow
outthere.Dontgetcoopedupwithyourlife.Ialwaysfinditanamazingadventuretoknowsomeonenewand
beexposedtoawholedifferentlife.Ithelpsmeunderstandlifefromawholedifferentangle.

9.Knowthereisnothingwrongwithyounorhim/her
Itseasytoconcludeyouarenotgoodenoughwhensomethingdoesntworkout.IthoughtIwasntgood
enoughforalongwhile,bothconsciouslyandsubconsciouslyasyoucouldseethroughouttheseries.However,
thisisanerroneousbelief.IftherelationshipcouldonlyhappenifyouareXXXpersonwithXXXtraits,thenit
meantyouarenottherightpersonforthisrelationship.Everyonelooksfordifferentpeople.Thereisnopreset
criteriaonwhataretherightorwrongtraitstoembody,justdifferentexpectations.Ifyoudontembodythe
traitsthepersonislookingfor,thatjustmeansyouguysarenttherightmatch.Thatsall.Thereisnothing
wrongwithyouorhim/her.Youguysjustarentsuitedforeachother.

10.Recognizethereissomeoneoutthereforyou
Itmightbehardtobelieveasyoutrytomoveonfromabrokenpast,butitstrue.Heck,Im25(asof2010),
neverbeeninatrulyseriousrelationship(bychoice),metmyshareofincompatibleguys,andIstillbelieve
theressomeoneoutthereforme!
Theresnoreasonwhyyoushouldntthinkso!Idontcarehowmanyrelationshipsyouvebeeninthepast,how
manywrongmen/womenyouvebeenwith,orwhetheryouveneverbeeninanyrealrelationships.(Ihavent).
Thereissomeoneoutthereforyou.Youredefinitelynottheonlysingleoutthereintheworld.Lookaround
you!Lookatyourfriends.Lookatthepeopleonthestreets.Doyouthinkyouretheonlypersonwhoissinglein
thisworld?Ofcoursenot!Thereare7billionpeopleintheworld.Foreverycoupleyouseeoutthere,thereare
multiplesofothersingles.Foreverysingleyousee,thereareevenmoresingles.
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Thereissomeoneoutthereforyou.ImasconvictedofthisformyselfasmuchasIamforyou.Justbecause
youaresinglenowdoesntmeanyouwillremainforeversingle.Itjustmeansyouhavenotfoundtheright
person.Meanwhile,focusonlivingyourbestlifeinyourdefinitions.Mostimportantly,rememberthatyourlife
doesntandshouldnthingeonhavingaspecialpartnerornot.Wearecompletebyourselvesandrelationships
shouldnotbetheretocompleteus.

HowtoKnowWhenYouHaveMovedOn
Quitesimply,ifnoneofthe12signsstatedaboveinthisarticleapplytoyou,thatmeansyouhavemovedon.
Onceyoudo,alifeofnewbeginningsandopportunitiesawaityouontheotherside.Almostautomatically,new
thingswillstartflowingintoyourlife.

FinalThoughts
TodayasIlookback,ithastrulybeenalong,longhealingprocess.Today,Imfinallyatpeacewithmyself.I
nolongerbeatmyselfuporthinkmyselfasnotgoodenoughwhenitcomestoloveandrelationships.Idont
havethesametrepidation,confusion,bittersweetemotions,hatredorfrustrationwhenIthink/talkaboutG.Im
thankfulforhavingcrossedpathswithGandgainingthisexperience.Ibelieveallofusenterintoeachothers
livesforareason.Thisexperiencehashelpedmebecomeabetterperson.Imhappyforhimandwhathehas
done/achievedforhimself,andIhopeheisashappyinhislifeasIamnow.
AsImentionedinthestartofthisseries,Ihavewrittenthiswiththeintentiontohelpothersmoveonfrom
whatevertheymaybeholdingbackon.Wecanhavepainandsadnessfromanexperience,buttheresalways
awayout.Itsuptousonwhetherwewanttoswirlaroundinthepastormovetoabetterplace.Wealways
haveachoice.Itseasytochoosetheformer.Ittakescouragetotakethelatterstep.ButIassureyouitsworth
it.
WhenIwaswritingthisseries,Iwassinglyfocusedonconnectingwithlikesoulsoutthereandhelpingthem
moveonfromwhatevertheyareentrenchedin.AsIwritethis,IcansaythisseriesachievedmorethanIhave
aimedto.Afterpostingit,Ivereceivedmanyheartfeltmessagesfromindividualsonhowtheserieshashelped
them.Manyaregratefultoknowthattheyarenttheonlyonesouttherewhohaveexperienced/are
experiencingsuchasituation.Somerealizedtheyneedtomoveonfromarelationshipwhichisntworking.
Somegainedstrengthinmovingonfrompastwounds.Theresaseparategroup,singles,whotoldmethatthe
serieshelpedthemgaininsightsonwhytheyarenottogetherwithsomeone.Ididnthavethelastobjectivein
mindwhenIfirstwrotethisseries,butImcertainlygladthesharingbenefitedthemtoo.
Irealizedthatheartfeltsharingofmypersonalexperiencesiskeytoconnectingwithyouguys,soIllcontinueto
dothatinthefuture.However,thereisgoingtobetricky,especiallyassharingofmypersonalexperienceswill
sometimesincludesharingaboutotherpeopleinmylife.Sofar,KandGaretheonlyindividualsIvewritten
aboutindetailonmyblog.BasedonwhatIknowofKandG,theywouldntmindmewritingaboutthestories,if
ithelpspeoplemovetoabetterplace.(SomethingwhichIvelaterconfirmedwithKtoo.)

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However,asIcontinuewritingasablogger,sharingmorestories,therewillbeatimewhenotherpeoplecome
intothepicture.ThequestionthenrisesAmIintrudingonothersprivatespacesbywritingaboutthem,evenif
itmaybeforthepurestintent?Therearealsootherimplications,asIrealizedtherearemorepeoplereading
myblogthanIrealizepeoplewhoknowmeandmayknowthepeopleImwritingabout.
Tobehonest,Idonthavetheanswertothisquestionyet.After1yearofwritingatmyblog,Iverealized
sharingmystoriesisdefinitelythebestwaytorelatetoallofyou,soIdoubtIllstopdoingit.Authors,other
bloggers,andmusiciansalsowritefromtheirpersonalstories.WhatIcandoistowritewiththepurestintentto
helpothers,ensureitaccuratelyrepresentsthetruthasIunderstand,anddoesntcausemaliciousharmto
anyone.AgainIdonthavethefinalanswertoit.ItllbeaworkinprogresssituationonewhichIevaluateasI
goalongtheway.MeanwhileIwillcontinuetodomybestforyouguysandforme.
Toallofyouguyswhetheryouhavebeenasilentreader,commenter,orhaveconnectedwithmebefore,I
thankyouforsupportingme,silentlyornot,allthiswhileinmyjourney.Thisisonlythestartofeverything.Ican
onlyimaginewhatsaheadwillbefullofunexpectedsurprises,challengesandexcitement.Imscared,alittle
apprehensive,somewhatcalm,butatthesametimeveryeagerandexcitedtoseethemunfold.Icantwaitto
experienceitwithallofyou.
UpdateSep2013:About3yearsafterIwroteandpublishedthispost,Ifoundandgottogetherwithmytrue
soulmate,KenSoh,someonewhomImetfleetinglywhenIwasinuniversityandonlyrealizedthatheismy
one10yearslater.

Readourlovestoryandhowyoucanmeetyourtruesoulmateinlife:HowtoFindYourSoulmate(7part
series)
Thisisthelastpartofmy5partseriesonhowtomoveonfromarelationship.

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