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By J.B. & O.C.

Stamper

EhQDETnCIbSO&t

By J.B. & O.C. Stamper

New York

SCHOLASTIC INC.
London Auckland Sydney

Toronto

Computer Comedy

Where do

cool

mice

live?

In mousepads.

If

you purchased this book without a cover, you should be aware that
book is stolen property. It was reported as unsold and destroyed
and neither the author nor the publisher has received

this

to the publisher,

any payment

for this stripped book.

part of this publication may be reproduced in whole or in part, or


stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise,
without written permission of the publisher. For information regarding
permission, write to Scholastic Inc., Attention: Permissions
Department, 555 Broadway, New York, NY 10012.

No

ISBN 0-590-13004-8
Tfext

Copyright

1998 by Judith and Geneviere Stamper.

by Scholastic Inc.

1998
Illustrations copyright
All rights reserved. Published

by Scholastic

Inc.

8 9/9 0
12 11 10 9 8 7 6 6 4 3 2
Printed in the U.S.A.
First Scholastic printing, January 1998

2 3/0

What

did the spider do inside the computer?


It

made a web page.

get when you cross a


tain goat with a computer?

What do you

Lots

of RAM.

moun-

Where do computers go on vacation?


The Big Apple.

What

did the

fir

tree do

computer?
It

logged on.

10

when

it

got a

What do you

call

a computer superhero?

Screen Saver.

12

Computer City

Mack: Where do computers go


Jack: Where?
Mack: The hardware store.

to

shop?

Mack: What did the customers do

in the

busy computer store?


Jack: What?
Mack: They got on line.

Mack: What makes a good computer


salesman?
Jack: I dont know.

Mack: He can

14

drive a hard bargain.

15

Silly

Software

What

software helps you lose weight?

Slim

What

did the rooster whisper?

My crow

City.

What

is

soft.

Draculas favorite software?

After Dark.

16

17

Why

did the witch

She needed

buy a computer?

spellcheck.

18

A man and a woman from Sim City got


married and had two boys. What were
they called?
The Sim

Why
So

should you always use a spellcheck?

theyre

know miss

steaks in youre

righting.

sons.

20

21

Why was
To cover

the computer wearing shades?

its

Windows.

22

Sam and Ram

Sam:

bought a new computer in

Sam: Did you hear

Hawaii.

Sam: How can you

tell

your computer

getting old?
It loses its

is

Ram: How
Sam:

Ram: How?
Sam:

memory.

24

that the zoo has a

website?
Ram: Really?
Sam: Theyre on-lion.

Ram: What kind is it?


Sam: A Pine-Apple.

do you park a computer?

dont know,

Ram: You back

it

how?

up.

25

Weird Wide Web

How

is

the Internet like your front yard?

You have

What

to

modem

both.

did the astronaut write in his

E-mail?

Sigh

brrr.

Space

27

is

cold!

Why

did the computer


get glasses?

To improve

its

What happens

websight.

if

you dont use the

Internet for a while?

Your computer gets


cobwebs.

28

Computer Favorites

0 7011 al1 tW
Websites that get
?

Med

Favorite Book:

The newly webs.

Charlottes

Web Page

30
31

Favorite Movie:

RAM-bo

Second Favorite
Movie:
Wizard of Dos

32

33

Computer love

gS^omputer
You're the

What

mP u ter say to the

Apple of my

eye.

do computer
couples fight about?

Who has

to take

out the trash.

34

Knock-knocks

Where does Spider-Man

On

the World Wide


Web.

find a date?

Knock-knock.
Whos there?
Virgil.

Virgil

who?

Virgil Reality.

36
37

Knock-knock.
Whos there?

Knock-knock.
Whos there?

Icon.

Icon
Icon

Kay.

who?

make you open

the door.

Kay who?
Kay board.

Humor

Why cant
They

computers play tennis?

try to surf the


net.

40

How

do you compliment a
computer?

What

He

What did the shoe salesman do


got a computer?

got a

when he
is

an astronauts

a computer?

booted up.

when he

escaped.

What

He

did the prisoner do

computer?

You re looking
chipper today!

The space

bar.

42
43

favorite place on

45

Why was
Because

the computer so angry?

it

had a

chip on

Where do computers go

its

shoulder.

in the winter?

To Hot Spots.

Why can t you


Because

its

trust a computer?

shift-key.

46

Pefrcape

Mitten: I never get petted anymore.


Rover: Whys that?
Mitten: My owner got a laptop.

48

What

is

a birds favorite computer soft-

Where do computers take

ware?

To the Internet.

Seedy

ROM.

Did you hear about the lion that swallowed a computer?


It

became a mane frame!

50

51

their sick pets?

Hink Pinks

Whats another name


virus?

A megabyte parasite.

52

for

a computer

Whats another

The flee

name

key.

53

for exit?

Who

chases computer criminals?

What

do you call a computer science

test?

hacker -tracker.

A RAM exam.

54

55

(hatf-Oncs

Computer: Did you know that comput-

Ted: Last night

ers are smarter than people?

Ned: What did

Human:

Ted:

No, I didnt know that.


Computer: See what I mean?

56

my computer

it

die of?

A terminal illness.

57

died.

Boy: Mom, have you been using my new


computer?
Mother: Yes, how did you know?
Boy: Theres Wite-Out on the screen.

59

What Do You Get ... I

Mother Computer scolding PC Junior:

What

when you

cross a dog

A machine that has a bark

worse than

do you get

and a computer?
Wait

till

your Data gets home!


byte.

First Computer:
brothers?

Do you have any

Second Computer: No,

only transis-

tors.

60

61

its

What do you

get

when you

cross a com-

puter with an icy road?

hard

drive.

What do you

get

if

you cross a computer

with an elephant?
Lots of memory.

63

What do you

get

if

you cross a computer

and one million mosquitoes?

A gigabyte!

What do you

get if you cross a spider


with an earthworm?

A webcrawler.

64

Daffy Definition*

State-of-the-art computer: one

you cant

Floppy: what your wallet

a computer.

afford.

66

67

is

after

buying

Computet Creature*

Disk crash: the typical computer reaction


to an important deadline.

What

did the elf put on the Internet?

A gnome page.

486:

IQ necessary

to read

computer man-

Which one

uals.

first to

of the Seven Dwarfs


get a computer?

Floppy.

68

69

was the

flie Presidents

of the

States of America

What do you call the small creatures


that make the colors on a computer

George Washdiskton

screen?
Pixelfs.

70

71

Computed

Abmodem

Warren G. Harddrive

Lincoln

John Quincy Apples

72

73

Mouieteapi

William MouseKinley

Why were the two

mouses arrested?

They were caught drag racing.

74

75

What

does the President use with his

computer in the Oval Office?

White Mouse.

76

do you get with a computer in


Alaska?

What

A moose.

Your click

What

78

did the computer say to the

mouse?
is

my command.

79

More Knock-knocks

What

did the computer trio sing


the lights went out?

when

Knock-knock.

Whos there?
Meg.

Meg who?
Meg A. Bytes.

Three Blind Mice.

80

81

You Know Youve Been Using


Your Computer too Cong When:

*you double

Knock-knock.
Whos there?

click the floor

button on an

elevator.

Modem.

Modem who?
No modem

knock-knocks, please.

*you try to push escape to leave a boring


class.

Knock-knock.
Whos there?
S.
S.
S.

who?
Cape while you

can.

82

83

r
Cyber-Snacks

*you try to

call

up a

when your mother

different

menu

Whats a computers favorite snack?

serves meatloaf again.


Chips.

*you try to brighten the monitor


the sun starts going down.

*you try to delete your

84

little

when

brother.

85

Why

did the computer cross the road?

To get a byte

to eat.

86

Why

did the computer go to the super-

market?
To buy

its

mouse some

cheese.

Did you hear about the millionaire kid?

He gave

his teacher

an Apple and an

IBM every day.

88

r
Gigglebyles

What happened

to the

computer when

it

What

do computers get paid to do?

crashed?

Net work.
It

got a slipped disk.

90

91

What

basketball team

is

the computers

Why was

the computer kicked out of

school?

favorite?

The New Jersey

Because

its

cursor wouldnt stop.

Nets.

92

93

Why

did the boy

fail

computer class?

Because he didnt know the password.

Where do computers

go

when

theyre

sad?
Cryberspace.

94
j

Why
It

did the Apple lose

had a bad case

The good news

is

its

memory?

of worms.

my computer has

megabytes.

The bad news

is ..

its

96

hungry!

80

Where do computers go

for the winter?

To Hot Spots.

Find this

and 100 more wacky, wild


will drive you crazy

computer jokes that

with laughter.

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