UNSAFE PEOPLE

1. Narcissistic & fear of vulnerability think they have it all together instead of
admitting their weaknesses.
2. Defensive defend themselves when confronted instead of being open to feedback
and understanding their own faults & mistakes.
3. Arrogant are self-righteous or falsely humble instead of being genuinely humble.
4. Manipulative rarely apologize and own their actions, but when they do, the
apology is not followed by a change in behaviour.
5. Irresponsible & Immature go to great lengths to avoid looking at (much less
working on) their problems.
6. Egoistical demand trust instead of understanding trust is earned.
7. Narcissistic do not admit fault and will make statements such as I am sorry you
feel that way or any other form of an apology that does not contain confession of
their fault.
8. Victims blame others and work hard to assign blame to their situations instead of
owning their responsibilities in the matter.
9. Liars lie and manipulate. They arent honest about a myriad of things.
10. Immature are stagnant and show little to no signs of growth.
11. Fear of intimacy avoid closeness instead of connecting.
12. Self-centred are only concerned about the I rather than the we. Even when
expressing empathy they will say things like I feel so bad about your loss. As
opposed to You must be in so much pain after your loss.
13. Controlling resist the freedom associated with healthy boundaries instead of
encouraging it. They have an unhealthy relationship with your no responses and
often violate boundaries.
14. Artificial & unsupportive only flatter and never confront, or only confront and
never flatter. The balance between the two is non-existent in unsafe people.
15. Judgmental & Condemnatory condemn us instead of covering our faults with
grace or forgiveness. They will say things aloud like, Oh, you forgot to pick up your
son? or You didnt know that? Often repeated more than once to exploit weakness.
16. Discouraging & Destructive stay in parent/child roles instead of relating as
equals. They often want to parent you or revert to childlike states in unhealthy
extremes. Everyone has this trait to a certain degree, but unsafe people polarize in this
department.

17. Unstable are unstable over time. A season of instability is normal, but when a
person seems to have chronic instability, that is a red flag.
18. Toxic influence us negatively. We often leave interactions with them feeling
bad, but unsure why. They bring out the worst in us instead of promoting and
inspiring our good qualities.
19. Disloyal & Gossipers talk about others negatively when they are not around.
We can be sure that we arent so special that we are excluded from their gossip. When
a person assassinates another persons character, name-calls or shares private
information about others, this is a sign of relational manipulation common in unsafe
people.
20. Religious & Dogmatic unsafe people are religious instead of being spiritual i.e.
judgmental, unforgiving, dogmatic, lacking in compassion.
21. Habitual Contrarian tend to disagree with much of what is said. I call them
"habitual contrarians" because they are habitually contrary. We all enjoy being around
agreeable people. Its not to say that we all have to agree 100% of the time, but people
who voice disagreement habitually make it difficult to feel safe and difficult to have a
conversation of substance.
22. Dismissive have no idea how to validate feelings, experiences and pain that they
don't feel themselves. For example, "You are so emotional." "Its not that big of a deal,
get over it." or "Stop crying."
23. Poor Communicator have poor communication habits. This can be a wide
range of things, but generally speaking, unsafe people communicate poorly.
24. Assuming make lots of assumptions that typically lead to them being offended.
It is very difficult to defend ourselves against assumptions that unsafe people dream
up out of thin air. It is a good idea not to try.
SAFE PEOPLE
1. Value love - connection - have the ability to trust.
2. Value responsibility (take responsibility for themselves and value that in others).
Neither overly dependent on others nor codependent - feeling responsible for others.
3. Value honesty - ability to be known - transparent - who they really are.
4. Working on their own issues
5. Respond to truth
6. Have a good track record (may fail, but learn from failure and move on, are in
progress of making a good track record even if this is a new beginning for them)

7. Can be observed and tested - see them in interactions with other people (test them
with a small part of yourself, share a part of your heart and see what happens)
8. Bear good fruit in your life by being with them (encourage you to grow
individually and in your connection with other people)
People who are safe are open, honest, vulnerable, trustworthy, loyal, and they value
connection, intimacy and vulnerability. Safe people are accountable and accept
responsibility for who they are and for their actions and results. Safe people choose to
apologize and make amends by also learning from their mistakes and changing their
behaviour accordingly. Safe people deal with their own issues while still challenging,
supporting, encouraging you and your expression and individuality. Safe people do
not believe they are the centre of the universe, and they are a positive influence and
part of your life.