How To Raise Successful Kids

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How to Raise
Successful Kids
Advice From a Stanford Dean, a
Navy SEAL Commander, and
Mark Zuckerbergs Dad (Among
Others)
by Bill Murphy Jr.
copyright 2016 Bill Murphy Jr.

Free to redistribute for noncommercial usebut, please credit me
and link to: www.billmurphyjr.com.
This is the 3RD EDITION. Get the updated version free at www.billmurphyjr.com
For my baby girl (who sat on my lap as I

wrote this sentence).
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Introduction
We all want to be successful and happy. You
know what we want even more? For our kids
to be successful and happy.
Thats my experience as a relatively new father
anywayand its whats led me to write a lot
about this subject for Inc.com and elsewhere.
On the pages that follow, Ive brought together
some of the best advice I could find in my
columns on the subjectsmart people
weighing in on how to raise happy, successful,
resilient, entrepreneurial kids.
3!
It comes not just from me, but instead from top

authoritiesa Navy SEAL commander, a
Stanford dean, Mark Zuckerbergs dad, and
quite a few others. (I added a few other related
columns that I found simply fun or
interesting.)
Before we dive in, just three quick things:
1. This e-book is free. Youre welcome to share
this book, pass it around, forward it, etc. Just
please make sure you send the whole thing.
2. If you received this from someone else, you
might want to make sure you have the most
updated edition. How? By going to
billmurphyjr.com and checking out the free
downloads.
3. Got feedback? I cant wait to hear from you.
Send me a note at contact.billmurphyjr.com.
(Oh and to the readers who pointed out I
mistook the name of the Indonesian currency
on page 109thanks, I fixed it!)
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Table of Contents
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1.!Advice!From!a!Navy!SEAL!Commander!
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2.!Advice!From!Mark!Zuckerberg's!Dad!
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3.!Advice!From!a!Former!Stanford!
University!Dean!!
!
4.!Teach!Your!Kids!to!Ask!This!Simple!
Question!
!
5.!7!Things!to!Do!Each!Day!
!
6.!9!Things!Moms!Say!That!Can!Make!You!
Really!Successful!in!Business!
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7.!7!Questions!to!Ask!Every!Day!
!
!
5!
7
15
24
30
36
42
51
59
8.!6!Secret!Habits!of!Highly!Successful!
Millennials!
!
9.!17!Daily!Habits!My!Dad!Insists!Will!Make! 63
You!Happier!and!More!Successful!
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10.!11!Habits!of!Highly!Effective!Leaders:!A! 74
U.S.!Marine!Corps!Officer!Shares!the!
Secrets!
!
11.!7!Amazing!Kid!Entrepreneurs!Who!Will! 81
Make!You!Think,!Man!What!Was!I!Doing!at!
Their!Age?!
!
87
12.!The!Most!Important!Success!and!
Happiness!Rules!You!Can!Learn!From!My!
Mom!
!
93
13.!Want!to!Raise!Super!Wealthy!Kids?!
Conceive!Them!Before!May!14.!
!
99
14.!This!Man!Retired!and!Gave!Up!$13!
Million!Because!He!Can't!Bring!His!Son!to!
Work!All!the!Time!
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15.!7!Science^Backed!Things!You!Must!Do!! 106
to!Raise!Successful!Kids!
!
!
6!
16.!Emotional!Resilience!in!Kids!
112
~1~
Want to Raise Resilient
Kids? A Navy SEAL
Says Always Do This
Resilience is defined as "the capacity to recover
quickly from difficulties; toughness."
There's no surprise that it's a characteristic of
some of the world's most successful people. It's
also a required trait to endure and succeed in
some of the toughest specialties in the U.S.
military.
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Over on Task and Purpose (a site for members

of the U.S. military) and Fatherly, (a site for-well, fathers), a former U.S. Navy SEAL named
Eric Greitens (now a candidate for Missouri
governor, by the way) shared his tips for
raising children to be more resilient--rules that
also apply to anyone who wants to increase
their mental toughness.
Here's our take on the plan Greitens outlined
(you can read his original remarks here
and here).
1. Set a great example.
Like any self-improvement program,
increasing resiliency requires demonstrating a
commitment. And if you hope to inspire
others, such as your children, it's doubly
important.
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"To paraphrase Ralph Waldo Emerson, who

you are will speak more loudly to your
children than anything you say," says Greitens.
"If they see you always able to pick yourself up
when you've been knocked down, that's
behavior they're going to adopt intuitively."
2. Take responsibility.
Responsibility here means over everything that
you can control in your life. There are things
you can't control, sure--but know the
difference.
"Teach your children early not to pass the
blame or make excuses, but to take
responsibility for their actions" says Greitens.
3. Seek to serve others.
Besides positively affecting the rest of the
world, service to others emphasizes that life
really isn't about just one person (you). It
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also helps you increase resourcefulness and

empathy.
"Children who know that they have something
to offer others," Greitens says, "will learn that
they can shape the world around them for the
better."
4. Practice daily gratitude.
This is one of the things that the most
successful people do under any circumstance.
Expressing gratitude to others improves your
performance as a leader and also frames your
mind to appreciate the things you've been
given. Because, let's face it, even on your worst
days, you probably have things a lot better
than most people in the world.
5. Let others solve their own problems.
Certainly this doesn't mean letting other
people founder or even flounder--especially
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your own children. However, there's often as

much to be gained in learning how to solve
problems as there is in solving the problems
themselves.
"Your children should know that you're always
there for them, and that they can call on you
when needed," says Greitens. "But give them
the opportunity to learn to solve their own
problems."
6. Be a mentor--not a savior.
Sometimes the best thing that can happen is to
make a big mistake and live with the
consequences. However, it's often the case that
the mistakes we make as children have
fewer long-range effects than things we screw
up we get older. So, better to learn from
smaller mistakes while we're young.
Moreover, allowing your children to live
unimpeded through the consequences of what
they choose to do can also have another
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benefit. It demonstrates that things are rarely

as bad as they might appear at first blush--and
that sometimes good can arise out of bad.
7. Embrace failure.
It's almost a clich among entrepreneurs, but
failure is a prerequisite to success. Nobody
accomplishes anything great if he or she is
afraid to fail.
"In failure, children learn how to struggle with
adversity and how to confront fear. By
reflecting on failure, children begin to see how
to correct themselves and then try again with
better results," Greitens says.
8. Encourage risk-taking.
Risk-taking and failure go hand-in-hand.
People who are afraid to lose what little they
have will likely never achieve very much more.
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"To be something we never were, we have to

do something we've never done," says
Greitens.
9. But assert your authority where it's
sensible.
Greitens is writing for parents who want to
increase their children's resiliency, but this is
likely applicable to any situation in which you
have some authority over others' actions--as a
boss, a coach, or a mentor.
"Not every risk is a good risk to take," Greitens
says. Sometimes we all need an experienced,
more authoritative person to show us the
better way.
10. Express your love for the people you care
about.
Resilient people know that they rely on the
love and care of others in their communities.
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One of the best ways to reinforce this is to

express how you feel to those people often.
In fact, this is a great practice no matter what
your self-improvement goals are. Doing so
both reassures them and reminds you about
the importance of your relationships.
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~2~
Want to Raise
Entrepreneurial Kids?
Mark Zuckerberg's Dad
Says Do These Things
Life changes when you have kids. It's a clich,
but I've experienced it myself. You still aspire
to great things--but you think more about the
life you want for your child(ren), too.
One thing I want for my daughter is the chance
(if she wants it) to be an entrepreneur. Having
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studied and written about entrepreneurship

for years, I believe it means more money, more
control over your time, more freedom--and it
doesn't necessarily mean starting a business.
Mark Zuckerberg's father, Dr. Edward
Zuckerberg, did a lengthy interview with a
local radio station some time ago, in which he
talked about how the choices he and his wife
made led his son to--well, to go on to Facebook
and become a billionaire.
Here are the biggest takeaways from his talk:
1. Model working for yourself.
Dr. Zuckerberg is a dentist. Even today, he
runs his practice out of the Zuckerberg family
home at 2 Russell Place in Dobbs Ferry, New
York. His wife (a licensed psychiatrist) worked
as his "overqualified" office manager, he said.
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As a result, young Mark grew up watching his

parents take responsibility for their
livelihoods and run a business out of their
home (as well as use the most modern
technology of the time).
"My kids all grew up around the office and
were all exposed to computers," Dr.
Zuckerberg said. "There are advantages to
being exposed to computers early on. That
certainly enriched Mark's interest in
technology."
(By the way, I'm not doxxing the Zuckerbergs
by publishing the address; it's on Dr.
Zuckerberg's Yelp page, and he himself
references the fact that he's Mark's dad.)
2. Provide security for your kids.
There are plenty of stories of entrepreneurs
who grew up with nothing, but it's more likely
that kids will grow up to be willing to take
risks if they have a stable background behind
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them. In Dr. Zuckerberg's case, he was

working to provide that kind of stability long
before he even met his wife and had children.
"Growing up Jewish in New York City," he
said, "if you had half a brain, your parents
wanted you to be a doctor or a dentist."
So, despite the fact that he himself was
interested in computers, Zuckerberg pursued
what was seen as a stable, somewhat lucrative
career--enrolling in 1975 in New York
University College of Dentistry.
2. Discover and encourage your kids'
interests.
"Probably the best thing I can say is something
that my wife and I have always believed
in," Dr. Zuckerberg said.
"Rather than impose upon your kids or try and
steer their lives in a certain
direction...recognize what their strengths are
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and support their strengths and support the

development of the things they're passionate
about."
In a separate Los Angeles Times story, for
example, Dr. Zuckerberg described setting up
his son with the tutorial disk from one of his
office computers, which the younger
Zuckerberg used to learn to code.
"He was bored with his schoolwork," Dr.
Zuckerberg said, so he let his son "rig up a
primitive version of instant messaging that
enabled people in different parts of the dental
office and the house to communicate via
computer."
The family called the program ZuckNet.
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3. Show them you're proud of them.

Dr. Zuckerberg talks about his son as having
been "a good student" and having "a special
affinity for math and sciences."
But he said the younger Zuckerberg, who left
home for Phillips Exeter Academy before
Harvard, was "a very quiet guy...[who] doesn't
like to boast about his accomplishments."
He adds, "I'm proud of his accomplishments
and the accomplishments of all my kids."
4. Set limits and enforce them.
According to one summary of his radio
appearance, Dr. Zuckerberg weighed in on
discipline, too. He said he "didn't believe in
physical discipline..."
But he added that certain behaviors require
parents to let children know, "right there on
the spot, this is a behavior that will not be
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tolerated. If you impart your dislikes about

certain negative behaviors early in their lives,
they will learn to understand what your
feelings on certain matters are."
Basically, you can be a progressive parent--but
remember that kids are kids. They need you to
be their mom or dad.
5. But make sure kids play, too.
It's pretty clear that Dr. Zuckerberg has his
avocations and encouraged his kids to as well.
(In a New York magazine article, he's described
as "a committed diver" who features "murals of
coral" and a 200-gallon fish tank in his office.)
He said it's something he encouraged in his
kids.
"I think that extremes in any form in parenting
are not good. Children need to be wellrounded. There's a place for work and a place
for play," he says.
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6. Balance work and life

In answer to a caller to the radio show who
asked about work-life balance, Dr. Zuckerberg
came back to the fact that he and his wife both
worked from home.
"My wife was a superwoman," he said. "She
managed to work and be home. We had a
unique situation because my office was in the
house. I highly recommend it if it works for
your occupation. It did afford the ability to
work and be home with the kids at the same
time."
By the way, I'm sure you're wondering: Dr.
Zuckerberg reportedly held the equivalent of
about $60 million in Facebook stock at the time
of its IPO; if he held onto it all, it would be
worth about $167 million today.
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7. Don't grow old too fast.

When New York magazine interviewed Dr.
Zuckerberg, the reporter described him like
this:
... short and densely built, with soft almond

eyes and a stare he often holds one beat too
long, as if he is attempting to stare directly
through you. Despite his bald pate, the 57year-old is notably youthful. He is wearing a
blue button-down tucked into Calvin Klein
jeans, a thick leather belt, and a smart pair
of loafers. A gold medallion of a triggerfish
is nestled in the collar of his shirt.
The word that jumps out at me is "youthful."
No matter how old you are, model the idea of
living for your kids, and refuse to give in to old
age.
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~3~
Want to Raise Successful
Kids? A Former Stanford
Dean Says Please Stop
Doing This
If there's one thing many parents want more
than to lead happy, successful lives, it's
to make sure their kids lead happy, successful
lives.
Now a former dean of Stanford University says
many parents' hearts may be in the right place!
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-but they're screwing things up bigtime nonetheless.

Julie Lythcott-Haims spent a decade as the
dean of freshmen students at Stanford
University.
In her New York Times bestseller How to Raise an
Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and
Prepare Your Kid for Success, she says the
problem is a phenomenon we've been hearing
about since the 1990s--one that's now
crashing hard into American society: helicopter
parenting.
She summed up her experience in a
recent interview with the Los Angeles Times:
Working with the quote-unquote best and
brightest, I was seeing more and more
[students] who seemed less and less capable
of doing the stuff of life. They were
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incredibly accomplished in the transcript

and GPA sense but less with their own
selves, evidenced by how frequently they
communicated with a parent, texting
multiple times a day, needing a parent to tell
them what to do.
I'd been scolding other people for five or six
years. One night I started cutting my 10year-old son's meat and realized I was
enabling dependence on me. I could see the
link between parenting and why my college
students, though very accomplished
academically, were rather existentially
impotent.
"Existentially impotent."
Ouch! That may be the most original and
cutting insult I've ever heard.
What's more, Lythcott-Haims said it applies
largely to some of the most privileged kids in
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our society. Students from less

affluent families--who statistically speaking
might be more likely to join the military or
work while attending community college-seemed to her to be at least as self-sufficient as
their predecessors.
But the students she was dealing with as dean
of freshmen students, who were attending one
of the most elite universities in the world, and
who were more likely to graduate and have
amazing opportunities, were overwhelmed
and unable to function as real adults.
No phone calls?
For example, Lythcott-Haims cited the idea
that many Millennials--using her own
daughters as examples--seem "paralyzed" by
the idea of having to make a simple phone call,
because they never had to do so while growing
up.
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(Her solution with her daughters was to give

them tasks that could be resolved only by
making phone calls--"because you need to
know how to talk to a stranger on a phone and
ask a question.")
So what do we do about this? Her advice for
parents, she said in a speech reported by
the Chicago Tribune, is to "put ourselves out of a
job by doing a few specific things:
Remember the difference between "I" and
"we."
"If you say 'we' when you mean your son or
your daughter--as in, 'We're on the travel
soccer team'--it's a hint to yourself that you are
intertwined in a way that is unhealthy."
Be your kids' advocate, not their lawyer.
"If you're arguing with teachers and principals
and coaches and umpires all the time, it's a
sign you're a little too invested. When we're
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doing all the arguing, we are not teaching our

kids to advocate for themselves."
Remember that their work is their work.
Don't do their homework, she said. "Teach
them the skills they'll need in real life, and give
them enough leash to practice those skills on
their own. ... Chores build a sense of
accountability."
Bottom line, let them try things--and fail.
"We want so badly to help them by
shepherding them from milestone to milestone
and by shielding them from failure and pain.
But overhelping causes harm," LythcottHaimes wrote in How to Raise an Adult. "It can
leave young adults without the strengths of
skill, will and character that are needed to
know themselves and to craft a life."
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~4~
Want to Raise Happy
and Successful Kids?
Teach Them to Ask This
Simple Question
What do you want to be when you grow up?
Wait, don't answer. It's a trick question. In fact,
it might be the trickiest question there is, at
least if you want to be happy. (Yet adults ask
kids that all the time.)
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Instead, it turns out there's another, much

better question to ask--and a much smarter one
to teach kids to ask themselves.
Don't ask: "What do you want to be?"
Instead, ask: "What do you want to do?"
Subtle, right? But swapping out those twoletter words makes a huge difference.
Life-changing magic
I've been reading Marie Kondo's book, The LifeChanging Magic of Tidying Up, which basically
teaches you to discard anything in your life
that doesn't bring joy. (So far, I'm six
big garbage bags into its implementation at my
house--more on this in a future column).
For now, let's focus on a very insightful
passage near the end:
Think back to your own school days and the

things you enjoyed doing. Perhaps you were
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responsible for feeding the pets or maybe you

liked drawing pictures.
Whatever it was, the chances are that it is
related in some way to something you are
doing now, as a natural part of your life,
even if you are not doing it in the same way.
At their core, the things we really like do not
change over time.
Happiness therefore comes from the things we

do, not the statuses we attain.
So here's what that means for your kids--or
even for you.
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They'll know themselves better.

Asking "what do you want to do" requires you
to figure out who you really are.
Focusing on what you want to be, on the other
hand--a teacher, or a doctor, or a football player,
for example--tells you much less. That makes it
much easier to wind up confusing what you
want to do with what other people want you to
do.
They'll control their labels.
It's too easy to reply to the "be" question" with
a job title or an occupation, without truly
understanding how those people spend their
time. Answering the "do" question requires
you to abandon labels, and just get at the core
activities.
Ask the state bar association who I am for
example, and they'll tell you I'm a lawyer-even though I haven't actually practiced law in
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a decade. Ask them what I do with my days

however, and they won't have a clue.
They'll find obvious but hidden truths.
In her book, Kondo describes herself as having
been flat-out obsessed with organizing and
cleaning, even as a very young child. However,
if you asked her what she wanted to be when
she grew up, she'd only say that she wanted to
get married someday.
It never occurred to her that she could make a
career out of the thing she loved doing most-tidying--until after she already had a waiting
list of clients and even a couple of bestselling
books under her belt.
They'll thrive in a changing world.
Who do you think turned out to be happier
and more successful--the young man who 20
years ago decided he absolutely wanted to be a
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newspaper reporter, or the young woman who

decided she wanted to write?
Focusing on how she wanted to spend her
days, rather than the title or even the industry,
makes it more likely she's been able to adapt,
and therefore become successful and happy.
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~5~
7 Things to Do Each Day
If You Want to Raise
Happy and Successful
Kids
I'm like, a dozen years away from being dad to
a teenager, but I was drawn to Christie
Halverson's piece about raising teenagers-published a couple of years ago on her
blog and more recently on Upworthy.
(Plus, I work for what's probably the most
influential parenting brand on digital media,
and I know a good story when I read it.)
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Her advice closely hews to the best practices

we see for leaders in all kinds of contexts.
Whether you're a parent yourself, or just think
you might become one someday, it's worth
checking out. Here are the seven key things she
says she's learned to do in order to be a good
parent of teenagers.
1. Let your kids know they're loved,
"fiercely."
It all starts with love. In fact--spoiler alert--most
of the best leadership advice is rooted in love
as well.
"Love everything about them, even the
annoying stuff. Love them for their actions
AND their intentions," Halverson says.
"Let them know in word and deed how much
you adore them. Daily. Love their wrinkled
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shirts and Axe-body-spray-covered

selves. Love their bad handwriting and
pimpled cheeks. Love their scattered brains
and long limbs."
2. Listen and pay attention.
Much as a respected boss pays attention and
listens to his or her employees, Halverson says
a successful parent of teenagers has to do the
same thing.
"When they walk in the door after school, you
have a precious few minutes that they will
divulge the secrets of their day with you. Be
excited to see them," she writes. "Look them in
the eye and hear what they are saying. Make
their victories your victories. Be empathetic. .
Don't lecture. Just listen."
3. Say yes more often than no.
Be a bastion of positivity--which can improve
outcomes and happiness.
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38!
"For the rest of their lives, they will be

swimming in a stormy sea with wave-afterwave of 'you're not good enough' and 'you
can't do this' crashing down on their heads. If
nothing else, I want to be the opposite voice in
their lives for as long as I can," she says.
4. Yet--say no often.
Kids need their parents to act like adults, and
to save them from their own excesses.
"You need to say no to experiences and
situations that will set your child up for harm
or unhappiness. Don't let them go to the
parties where they will be forced to make a
choice at age 16 in front of their peers about
alcohol. Don't let them stay out until three in
the morning with a member of the opposite
sex. Be the parent," she writes.
5. Take care of their physical well-being.
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39!
Okay I admit--that's not precisely what

Halverson says. Instead, she's focused on one
particular physical need: food.
"Feed them. A lot. And not only them, but
their friends, too," Halverson writes. "These
bodies are growing and developing at an
astonishing rate, and need fuel to do so ...
When their friends know your pantry is
stocked to the gills with treats, they will beg
your kid to hang out at your place. This allows
you to, not only meet and know their friends,
but to keep an eye on your teen, as well. Make
your house the fun house."
6. Don't worry too much.
How often does worry about stuff actually
help achieve a positive outcome?
"Don't sweat the small stuff," Halverson says.
"[B]efore you open your mouth to yell at them,
put yourself in their shoes. Find out about
their day first. Maybe they are feeling beaten
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40!
down, and they just need to unwind for a

minute and tell you about it. Maybe they're
tired from all that growing, learning, working,
and hormone-ing. If you waste your chance
and yell at them about the backpack or shoes
or [insert every other possession they own],
they will not open up to you."
7. Have faith.
Or as Halverson puts it: "Stand back and watch
the magic happen. If you let them, these
glorious creatures will open their hearts and
love you more fiercely than you could possibly
imagine. ... They are just about the greatest gift
that God gave to parents."
41!
~6~
9 Things Moms Say That
Can Make You Really
Successful in Business
Want to know who knows a lot about what it
takes to be successful? Your mom.
My company runs Scary Mommy, one of the
most successful and popular digital properties
for American moms. I've worked with some
truly incredible mom entrepreneurs as a result.
Among them: Galyn Bernard and Christina
Carbonell, cofounders of startup kids clothing
company Primary.
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42!
Since launching last year, Bernard and

Carbonell (former execs at Quidsi (parent of
Diapers.com), Harvard MBAs, and mothers-oftwo) have built a direct-to-consumer brand
offering over 50 styles for babies and kids.
They've got thousands of happy
customers, and 45,000 Facebook fans following
their story. Not bad for a startup trying to get a
foothold in a $30 billion industry.
We've worked together mainly because my
company runs a marketing promotion with
Primary offering discounts on kids clothing,
and we've talked about what it takes to build a
company while raising a family.
Their advice?
It often sounds like the smart things moms say
to their kids all the time. Here are 9 key
examples:
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43!
1.
"Be yourself."
Entrepreneurs see the world differently from

other people. Bernard and Carbonell
understood that. But they said they learned in
their first six months "about going all in on
who we are, even if it meant being a bit
polarizing."
Carbonell told me: "Our initial instinct was to
play it a bit safe and not alienate anyone, so we
avoided provocative statements about what we
believe in and why we started the business. We
quickly learned that the opposite was much
more effective at attracting like-minded people
who really dug our concept."
2.
"Don't let it bother you."
If you try to start a business (never mind

change the world), be prepared to hear the
word "no" a lot of the time. You face a ton of
rejection and naysayers.
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44!
"Is it hard to be a woman starting a company?

What's it like to be a mom entrepreneur? It's
hard to be an entrepreneur, period,"
Bernard said. "You have to have a thick skin.
We laugh at the occasional misguided question
we get -- things like, "Are you sure you want to
start a company when you have little kids?" or,
"Are your husbands funding you?" (For the
record, no.)
3.
"Play nice."
Don't confuse this with being a pushover--it's

just that it's often more effective to build
relationships than it is to steamroll people to
get things done.
"It's so interesting to us that some people think
you have to be an ass to be effective,"
Carbonell said. "It's just about having
empathy--being able to read the nuances of a
situation or a person's feelings, and finding the
best way to communicate. You can disagree.
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You can be direct. You just don't have to be a

jerk about it."
4.
"Don't be afraid to depend on people."
There is virtually no such thing as a successful

one-person show--especially in business.
"Succeeding in business is about building an
awesome team more than it is about having a
good idea. We've hired people who have
turned out to be amazing superstars well
beyond their experience," Bernard said. "We
also feel strongly about having a partner
you've worked with before. We worked
together at Quidsi for years and knew we
could trust and rely on each other through all
the ups and downs - and still want to have a
beer together at the end of the day."
5.
"Choose your friends carefully."
At the same time, don't depend on people who

aren't dependable. Sometimes, that means
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making do with a smaller team until you find

the right people.
"It takes patience. For instance, growing our
tech team didn't happen as quickly as planned"
during 2015, Carbonell said. "But from past
experience, we know it's worth it to be patient
and hold out for the right people--the right
talent, but even more importantly the right
culture fit. Passion and optimism are critical
things for us."
6.
"Don't give up!"
Just before their first major photo shoot last

year, highlighting their products for their
website, the New York City area was hit by a
major snowstorm. They were relying on
friends and family to help them, but traveling
was almost impossible--and their
photographer, who was from Los Angeles, was
running out of time.
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"We had to drive in the snow to the UPS center

to pick up the last 10 styles, and then beg the
photographer to jam through what felt like one
million photos on the last day. And thanks to
Taylor Swift on repeat and a LOT of Sour Patch
Kids, we managed to keep the kids smiling
until the end of the day!" Bernard told me.
7.
"Work hard."
There's no such thing as "not my job" in a

startup. Whether you need someone to learn
digital marketing, hook up a phone system, or
clean up the glasses from last night's office
happy hour, if it needs to be done, the
founders have to do it.
"We're a small team, and our day-to-day is
filled with roll-up-your-sleeves work, down to
the smallest details like setting up the
furniture, managing our inventory, and
executing our marketing," Carbonell said. "We
joke about our 'departments' as in "My
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marketing department thinks X" which just

means I think that. If you're not scrappy, or
think you're above certain work, a startup
probably isn't for you."
8.
"Nobody's perfect. Do your best."
There's no such thing as perfect--but that's
okay, because in a startup things don't actually
have to be perfect. The important thing is to
focus on constantly improving.
"A disappointed customer is the hardest thing.
We put a huge emphasis on great customer
service, and we keep working hard to improve
all the time. We listen very carefully to
feedback from our customers. We have about
642 happiest moments though--and every one
of them is a note we got from a customer who
had a great experience with us," Bernard said.
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9.
"Kick ass."
Kicking ass means focusing on what you do

and doing that thing very well--not letting up,
and not veering off into a million other
interesting things that might also be really
cool. This might be the most important lesson
for succeeding in business, Carbonell told me.
"Primary offers a line of basic clothing for
babies and kids in the U.S.," she said. That's a
big enough challenge. "At least for the
moment, we're not going international. We're
not going into other categories. We're not
publishing a book we have a really good
concept for. ... For the moment, we are just
going to try to be the very best place for busy
parents to shop for awesome basic clothing for
babies and kids."
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~7~
How to Raise Highly
Successful Kids: 7
Questions to Ask Every
Day
You want to be successful and independent.
We all do.
When you have kids, though, it's funny how
quickly your aspirations become all about
them. What will they do in life? Will they be
happy and successful?
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(It's already my experience just six months into

this being a father thing.)
Dr. Leonard Sax is a forceful and controversial
pediatrician with a national reach. In his new
book, The Collapse of Parenting, he spells out
several things parents need to do every day to
have truly successful kids. Here
are seven questions to ask yourself every day (I
added two of my own).
1. Do my kids know that I love them?
Everything else flows from this. It's why you
care more about their success than your own.
It's tricky, though--this doesn't mean simply
telling them each day (although that's a good
idea), and it certainly doesn't mean giving in to
their every whim.
Instead, it's all about honesty and maturity.
Can you honestly say that when they're 20 or
30 or 40 or more, they'll recognize that you do
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what you do because you always want the best

for them?
2. Am I acting like a parent?
You want to treat your kids like adults so
they'll behave like adults--but kids by
definition aren't adults. Yet it seems a lot of
parents, in the hope of respecting their kids'
choices and encouraging them to make
decisions, wind up stepping aside and meekly
letting their children make adult decisions.
"It's not about the abdication of authority," says
Sax, citing the example he's seen of
parents who allow their 8-year-old children to
make the final decision about what school they
should attend. "I know of cases where the kid
was clearly making the wrong decision, and
the parents knew it but nevertheless felt
completely powerless to overrule their child.
The child is the one who suffers."
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3. Am I in charge of their technology?

You want your kids to learn to turn problems
into opportunities. When they're immature,
however, they're likely to turn
opportunities into trouble--and in the 21st
century, there's probably no bigger minefield
than personal technology. We're not just
talking about kids stumbling into the
netherworlds of the internet and seeing things
that are clearly inappropriate; we're also
talking about the sheer addiction to screens
that even adults succumb to.
"You now find kids at 10, 12, 14, 16 years of age
who have their phone in their bedroom at two
(o'clock) in the morning," Sax says. "No child
should have a phone in their bedroom
unsupervised. That's not just my opinion. That
is the official teaching of the American
Academy of Pediatrics ... You would be
astonished, or maybe you wouldn't be, how
many parents find that an impossible
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recommendation. They feel that they have no

authority over their child in many domains."
4. Do my children have my full attention?
We all have a lot of things going on. The fact
that you're reading this column on Inc.com
tells me you probably want to change the
whole world--or at least plant a flag in your
little corner of it. Yet kids often need you to set
those ambitions aside to simply spend time
with them.
Rule number one, according to Sax? Eat dinner
together every single day.
"By communicating that time at home as a
family is our highest priority, you are sending
the message that family matters," he says. "So
many kids are in the race to nowhere, trying to
add things on to their rsum through
extracurricular activities with no sense of why.
They just burn out at 15 years of age."
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(Related: No earbuds in the car. "That time in

the car is precious," says Sax. "The time in the
car is for you to listen to your child and your
child to listen to you.")
5. Am I praising them for things that are
praiseworthy?
I was overcome with pride when I watched my
baby daughter find her pacifier in her crib and
put it back in her mouth by herself. That said, I
know I'm setting the bar a bit low with that-the point is to offer support all the time, but
offer real praise when it's warranted.
"The first thing is to teach humility," Sax says,
because so many kids have "been indoctrinated
in their own awesomeness with no
understanding of how this culture of bloated
self-esteem leads to resentment."
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6. Am I demonstrating a healthy respect for

money?
Money is important. Even Bernie Sanders
would agree with that. Having it opens a
world of choices; not having it forecloses
opportunity. But is money more important
than everything else? Hint: The world's most
successful people don't think so.
"Teach the meaning of life," Sax says. "It cannot
be just about getting a good job. It's not just
about achievement. It's about who you are as a
human being. You must have an answer."
7. Am I letting them be kids?
All of this said, kids are kids, and they should
have the opportunity to play, grow, and
develop like kids. They're not hard-wired to be
focused on success all the time. They're not
stressed out about whether they're happy
enough (like many adults are).
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A quote from Thomas Jefferson is instructive

here: "We will be soldiers, so our sons may be
farmers, so their sons may be artists."
You don't want your kids to be tied up with
the same challenges you are--and you certainly
don't want them to face their own challenges at
too young an age. So ask yourself: Am I able to
follow my kids' lead on finding what's
important? Am I willing to learn from them?
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~8~
6 Secret Habits of Highly
Successful Millennials
Nine hours of sleep per night.
It sounds like a lot--like a dream, no pun
intended.
But according to the U.S. Census Bureau, it's
par for the course for Millennials.
The folks at SelfStorage.com were intrigued by
that statistic and a few others that set the
current generation apart from GenXers and
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Boomers. So, they put together an infographic

highlighting some of the habits that make
Millennials more successful.
It's a short list--just six items--but it's
intriguing.
1. They sleep a lot.
Here's the stat that started it all: Millennials
sleep eight hours and 53 minutes per night on
average, according to the Census Bureau.
That's way more than previous generations-and certainly more than the seven hours and
change that older adults average.
2. They throw their arms around technology.
You know this part, but research confirms it:
They've grown up with technology and they're
eager to adopt whatever comes next. About 74
percent of Millennials say technology makes
them feel more connected and makes their
lives easier.
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3. They want to be their own bosses.

They don't mind working for others as long as
they're learning, contributing to a worthy goal,
and developing their skills. Fully two-thirds of
Millennials, however, say they ultimately want
to start their own businesses.
4. They're focused on keeping daily activities
in line with strategic goals.
Sure, they care about money--but they're used
to the idea that they might not make as much
as their parents did. Thus, they value other
things more. For example, a third of
Millennials report that "social media freedom"
is more important to them than their bottomline salaries.
5. They multitask like it's going out of style.
Here's an almost unbelievable stat: Millennials
reportedly "switch media venues 27 times per
non-working hour," and they're more able to
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process information quickly than older peers

(again, because they've been doing it since they
were in diapers).
6. They are totally cool with the 24-hour work
schedule.
The flipside of valuing flexibility is that
Millennials don't mind being plugged into
work 24 hours per day--as long as they can do
it from wherever they want to be. Nine out of
10 Millennials say they have have no problem
checking work email on their phones outside
of work hours, and 77 percent say that having
flexible work hours makes them ultimately
more productive.
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~9~
17 Daily Habits My Dad
Insists Will Make You
Happier and More
Successful
The other day my dad sent me an email with
the subject line, "YOUR COLUMN." (My dad is
sometimes big on all-caps.) It began:
Bill:
In the tradition of 12 step programs and
your excellent columns, I offer the following
for your use, adaptation, or rejection.
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My dad (Bill Murphy Sr., if you're doing the

genealogical math) has enjoyed business
success as a lawyer who built his own firm,
and who has worked for himself since the early
1970s.
He and my mom raised five kids together, and
they're still going strong. They're devoted to
their grandchildren, and moreover my dad is a
man who enjoys both his work and the rest of
his life.
In fact, as I read his email, it occurred to me
that he's achieved many of the things that
younger people tell me are among their goals
in life. (Of course, I've been too close to realize
it.)
My dad went on to offer four daily habits, each
of which made great sense to me, and which I
know he's backed up with experience.
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However, I also know my dad well enough to

realize that offering only four pieces of advice
isn't exactly his nature, so I racked his brain.
Here's what we came up with.
1. Carpe diem.
You know that this is Latin for "seize the day,"
right? This is the first daily habit on my dad's
list. No matter how yesterday went-whether
you had great triumphs or whether you wish
you'd spent the whole day in bed, remember
that every new day is a new opportunity. You
can't rest on yesterday's accomplishments, and
you never have to repeat yesterday's mistakes.
2. Spend as much time as you can with the
people you love.
Your spouse, your kids, your parents, your
close friends-whoever they are-make sure that
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65!
you find lots of time to spend time with the

people you truly care about.
If you want to feel really guilty about this,
check out the calculator at seeyourfolks.com,
which will calculate how many more times
you're likely to see your parents based on past
experience and life expectancy. (We'll wait here
while you go give them a call afterward.)
3. At the same time, love the ones you're with.
There are many different kinds of love, and
here my dad is talking about showing respect
and concern for the people you spend your
days with. "That is simply, love everyone," is
how my dad put it, and he added a quote from
Thomas Merton:
"Love is our true destiny. We do not find
the meaning of life by ourselves alone-we
find it with another."
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4. Work hard.
You can't always determine what you get out
of something, but you can often control what
you put into it.
When I was growing up and I'd be anxious
over some school assignment or other project,
my dad would usually ask me the same
question afterward: "Did you give it your best
shot? Then forget about it."
5. At the end of the day, go home.
This one seems simple, until you start to
realize how most of us are almost 100% on and
accessible all the time now. Now, I'm not going
to pretend that either my dad or I truly live up
to this advice, but it's a good goal to have.
6. Later, go to bed.
"Get the rest you need. Your body needs sleepnot just 'rest and relaxation'-for it to work
well," my dad insists. He's right of course-and
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it's even become fashionable to admit

that people need sleep.
7. Get some exercise.
My dad's sport is swimming, and while he
came to it late, my dad has the zeal of a
convert. A few years ago he did a half-mile
open water swim off the beach in
Narragansett, R.I. Regardless of what sport or
activity works for you, my dad advises, your
day will be improved if you do something
athletic. Science backs him up.
8. Have a little faith.
As a lawyer-the kind of lawyer who takes on
real clients and tries real cases in court-dad has
pretty much seen it all. He also has stronger
religious (Catholic) faith than most people I
know, perhaps in part because he's had his
faith tested in many ways. It helps immensely
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if you believe in something bigger than

yourself.
9. Learn another language.
My dad studied ancient Greek and Latin in
high school. More recently, in his 60s, he
decided to try to learn Farsi. Whether you're
literally learning another language or simply
learning how to do new things and to
challenge your preconceptions, the lesson is
clear: Keep learning.
10. Read every day.
In a few weeks, guess what I'll get my dad for
Father's Day: a book, most likely something on
the top of the New York Times nonfiction
bestseller lists. It's what I've been doing for
decades, so why stop now? I can't think of
many people I've known who read more than
my dad. Importantly, he usually reads about
things that have nothing to do with his work.
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11. Keep your wardrobe simple.

My dad gave me this advice years ago when I
first started working-so of course I completely
ignored it at the time. However, had I gone
ahead as he'd suggested and bought a handful
of white and blue shirts, for example, and
worn them every day, it would have been one
fewer decision to have to make in the morning.
It looks like that kind of simplification worked
for Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg, anyway.
12. Shine your shoes.
Shined shoes make you stand out these days,
because most people are so casual. You can
probably substitute something else for this
habit. Just pick things that advertise to the
world that you take care of small things. So
maybe you also take care of bigger things.
By the way, here's a text from my dad a few
hours before this column ran:
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"Just read it again. On point 11, change

'one less decision' to 'one fewer decision.'
Your grammar is wrong. Then, point out
this message as an example of point 12."
13. Tell the people you love that you love
them.
Hey, we're back to love. Don't just spend time
with the people you love, as advised back in
No. 2. Make sure you actually tell them that
you love them. For example, when I talk to my
dad, he'll tell me to tell my wife that he loves
her. Unnecessarily but amusingly, he'll add
that I should be sure to mention that he means
he loves her "appropriately."
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14. Don't worry.

This is one of those do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do
pieces of advice, as my dad is in fact pretty
good at worrying about things. That said,
worrying rarely improves the odds of good
things happening, and can actually diminish
those odds.
15. Be kind to animals.
My dad has had dogs since he was little. He
treats animals well. His advice? If you want to
treat a dog well, treat it like a dog. Don't try to
make it into something it isn't, and doesn't
want to be (for example, a little human being).
Help it become the best possible version of
itself.
16. Find good assistants.
For many years, my father had the same,
excellent secretary. He taught me long ago that
even during the times when you're working by
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yourself, you have to be willing to depend on

others for help. The most productive people in
the world often succeed because they refuse to
do some things.
17. Repeat as needed.
This is perhaps the most important bit of
advice on my dad's list, so it's fitting to have
saved it for last. None of these items are
actions so much as they are behaviors. The first
time you commit to them, you won't see
results. Over a lifetime, however, they can
greatly improve your life. Aristotle put it best:
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is
not an act, but a habit."
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~10~
11 Habits of Highly
Effective Leaders: A U.S.
Marine Corps Officer
Shares the Secrets
My brother Jim Murphy was in college when
he announced he was joining the U.S. Marine
Corps. He went to officer candidate school,
and became an infantry officer and a platoon
and company commander. Ultimately, he led
Marines during the invasion of Iraq.
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He came home safely (thank God), got an

MBA--and surprised us all again by becoming
an executive at big toy companies like Mattel
and Activision Blizzard.
Recently, he became an entrepreneur and
launched his own company: INVICTA
Challenge, which makes mobile games, comics
and toys about American heroes in history.
He's my younger brother, but he's a leader-and I doubt I would have later joined the
military myself if it weren't for his example.
(Don't tell him I said that, though.)
With the Marine Corps Birthday just around

the corner, I asked him to help me share some
of his insights on things great leaders know-expressed in the aphorisms I've heard him and
other Marine officers say many times.
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1. "Fortune favors the bold."

This is a cooler way of saying that you make
your own luck. If you really want to add some
gravitas, say it in Latin like Virgil did:
"Audentis Fortuna Iuvat." It means that true
leaders have a bias for action. The act of
moving forward itself can often improve your
odds of success.
2. "Pain is only weakness leaving the body."
We have a million of these sayings: "Up the
hill, f*ck the hill." Or, "Travel light; freeze at
night." It's all about sucking it up when you're
faced with tough physical challenges, because
going way past your comfort level is part of
how you build real mental toughness.
3. "Break glass in case of war."
This is the saying we use to describe Marines
who are always in trouble in garrison, but who
turn out to be indispensable and brave in war.
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In civilian life, it's a reminder that everybody

has something to contribute. Sometimes, they
need the help of a great and selfless leader to
bring it out.
4. "Hard training saves lives."
A lot of Marine Corps training is fun, but when
it's not fun--well, my God. We don't just push
ourselves to the limits for the sake of
masochism, though. We understand that the
more you sweat in training, the less you bleed
in war.
5. "Semper Gumby"
The official Marine Corps motto is Semper
Fidelis--always faithful. However the unofficial
motto is probably "Semper Gumby," meaning,
always flexible.
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6. "Perpetual optimism is a force multiplier."

This was Colin Powell's quote, and he was in
the U.S. Army--but whatever. The point is that
if you can make yourself believe you can
accomplish something, just like that you've
improved your odds of being successful.
Finding humor in even the most difficult
situations makes this a lot easier.
7. "Indecision kills."
This is another of those concepts that's so
important that Marines have a lot of different
aphorisms to communicate it. Standing there
with your mouth hanging open, waiting for
someone else to decide for you, usually leads
to bad things. That's true in combat, and in life.
8. "Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast."
People often react to crazy stuff in one of two
ways: Freeze or charge. The better course is to
be disciplined enough to move smartly,
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smoothly, and deliberately. Think smooth--and

you'll be way more efficient than the people
around you who are spazzing out.
9. "A good plan now is better than the perfect
plan too late."
Dwight Eisenhower once said, "Plans are
useless, but planning is indispensible," and
that's true--but there comes a time when it's
time to act. Momentum is its own reward;
besides, no battle plan actually survives first
contact with the enemy (and no business plan
survives contact with the market).
10. "Service over self."
As a leader, you wind up with both privileges
and responsibilities -- but the biggest thing you
need to remember is that it's really not about
you. Instead, your organization is about the
people you lead. The classic manifestation of
this is that in the Marines, leaders only eat after
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everyone else has. That tradition reminds us,

and sets the tone.
11. "What would Chesty Puller think?"
Every Marine learns our history and traditions.
Chesty Puller was one of the most heroic
Marines--awarded the nation's second-highest
awards for valor six times (five Navy Crosses,
plus the Army's Distinguished Service Cross).
This rhetorical question is about making sure
the current Marine Corps lives up to his
standard. You can adapt it easily to civilian
leadership. Think of your mentors and heroes:
What would they think of the way you're
leading your team?
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~11~
7 Amazing Kid
Entrepreneurs Who Will
Make You Think, Man
What Was I Doing at
Their Age?
One of the recurring themes you find when
you interview thousands of entrepreneurs is
that many of them started as little kids.
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Years ago you'd hear stories about paper

routes and selling t-shirts; more recently you
hear about kids who become web developers
or power sellers on eBay.
Here are seven such kids whose stories are

both inspiring and kinda amazing--and who
frankly represent hundreds or even thousands
of others just like them.
These are kid entrepreneurs who launched
businesses and even turned profits and hired
employees before they were old enough to
drive--in some cases, before they were old
enough to see a rated PG-13 movie.
1. Sebastian Martinez, 5, Are You Kidding
At 7 years old, Martinez has already spent two
years working on his company, Are You
Kidding, which sells specialty socks.
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"We have been able to already reach the

$15,000 that we made last year and are on track
to double and hopefully triple our sales this
year," his mother Rachel Martinez (the
company president) told CNBC.
2. Lily Born, 8 Kangaroo Cups
Now 11, Born developed a three-legged
drinking cup, intending that people who have
Parkinson's disease (like her grandfather)
could use it without worrying about spilling.
She raised a little over $6,000 on Kickstarter to
put it into production.
"This campaign is not just about bringing a
product to production," Lily's father wrote. "it
is about sending a message to every parent and
every kid with an invention (which is just
about every kid) that ... dream can be made
real."
3. Ryan Kelly, 10, Ryan's Barkery
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One of the youngest entrepreneurs ever to

appear on Shark Tank, Kelly got Barbara
Corcoran to invest $25,000 in his dog treats
business, Ryan's Barkery. As of this writing, at
least the website is still live.
"I always loved business," Ryan says, "I had
lemonade stands, sold Halloween candy on the
bus, I even rented my sneakers to my brother
once! I got the idea for the dog treats when we
got our dog, Barkley."
4. Mikaila Ulmer, 8, BeeSweet Lemonade
At 4 years old, Mikaila was stung by bees
twice, and as she grew older they became a
subject she would often research. Now she's
selling lemonade to raise money to combat the
extinction of honeybees.
"I found out how incredibly important
pollinators they are, and that they were dying,"
Mikaila said. "And I decided to create a
product that helped save the bees."
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5. Moziah Bridges, 13 Mo's Bows

Moziah Bridges has made about $165,000
designing bow ties that his mom--the
company's chief executive and salesperson-sews and sells.
"We're like fire and ice," he says of working
with his mother. "But at the end of the day, we
come up with a good solution."
6. Robert Nay, 14, Naygames.com
Nay's first iPhone game, Bubble Ball, required
him to write 4,000 lines of code and was
downloaded more than two million times
within two weeks of its launch. The game
knocked the monster hit ''Angry Birds'' out of
the number 1 most downloaded free game spot
in the Apple app store.
His startup costs: $1,200 from his parents to
buy a new Macbook and software licenses.
7. Farrhad Acidwalla, 13, Rockstah Media
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Four years ago, starting with $10 that his

parents gave him, Acidwalla, who lives in
India, built an online community devoted to
aviation and aero-modeling.
He sold it for $1,200 to a fan. Then he took part
of his profit and launched an app development
company that now employs 42 people.
''Taking initiative is the most important step, so
long as it is backed by hard work and
dedication,'' he told CNN.
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~12~
The Most Important
Success and Happiness
Rules You Can Learn
From My Mom
Recently, my column 17 Daily Habits My Dad
Insists Will Make You Happier and More
Successful was one of the most popular articles
on Inc. This was very gratifying both to me and
to my dad, whose words of wisdom inspired
the article.
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It got me thinking, though: My siblings and I

have also learned a lot of success happiness
lessons from my mom, too.
So, just in time for Mother's Day, I reached out
to my four brothers and sisters and asked them
to help me compile a list of the best life lessons
we've learned from her.
We had quite a few of them. However, I

realized that there was one item on the list that
was so simple, direct, and yet profound that it's
worth an entire column.
Our mom has said this advice often, in two
different but related ways. We heard it while
we were growing up, and still do now that
we're all adults and my parents have become
grandparents.
So, with her permission, I'm focusing this
entire article on that one piece of advice (said
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88!
in both ways). If you can follow my mom's

precepts, I guarantee that you'll be happier and
more successful in life.
"Be in the driver's seat."
Just about every time I went out with friends
during high school, my mom would tell me on
the way out: "Be in the driver's seat."
She meant this literally, figuring that I was a
careful kid, a decent driver, and that I didn't
drink alcohol or the like. My friends were good
people, but she didn't know them the way she
knew me.
However, she also meant this figuratively:

Control your own destiny. Don't let other
people make your choices for you, in matters
big and small. This applies in just about every
circumstance I can imagine:
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89!
Don't let someone else choose your career.
Don't let someone else choose your friends.
Don't settle in your relationships.
Don't choose your fashions and passions just

because "everybody else does it."
We're social beings, and so this isn't always
easy.
Sometimes it seems we're hardwired to seek
approval, to be insecure, and to follow the
crowd. Nobody adheres to this advice all the
time, but the more you do, the happier and
more successful you'll be.
90!
"Remember who comes first."

Fast-forward to college, when I spent my
summers working as a lifeguard. (Thank God
I'm just old enough to have missed the
generation where everything has to be a
rsum-building experience.)
I liked the job a lot. We got to be outside all
day in the summer, and the pay wasn't bad.
For the last few years that I did this, my
brother and I worked at a lake in a state park
that could be quite chaotic. Swimmers actually
got into trouble, and we made rescues.
Eventually, I got promoted to captain,
supervising all the other college kids. We even
had a motorboat. It was like a low-rent version
of the old TV show Baywatch.
91!
Every morning on the way out the door, my

mom offered the same parting words of
advice: "Remember who comes first."
She wasn't telling us to be self-centered but

reminding us that if you don't take care of
yourself first, you're probably not going to be
of much use to anyone. I think of this every
time I'm on an airplane now, when the flight
attendants say that if there's an emergency,
you should put on your own pressurized air
mask before helping someone else.
Of course, the irony about my mom offering
this great advice over and over is that she
doesn't really live it herself. Having raised
three sons and two daughters, she certainly
doesn't put herself first. Happy Mother's Day
to her--and to all the moms reading this!
92!
~13~
Want to Raise Super
Wealthy Kids? Conceive
Them Before May 14.
We've talked before about how to raise
resilient kids, and even how Mark
Zuckerberg's father says he raised a supersuccessful entrepreneur.
But this advice about raising successful kids is
on another level entirely.
A British website called Gocompare,
which offers a tool to compare insurance
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93!
rates, analyzed the Forbes list of the world's

wealthiest people over the past 20 years.
They found some amusing statistics--the
percentage of billionaires who wear glasses, for
example--and some more serious ones, like the
average net worth of those whose wealth
is self-made.
You can check out some of their findings here.
One that popped out at me however,
was Zodiac signs. It turns out that a plurality
of the wealthiest people on the lists, they
found, happened to have been born under the
sign of Aquarius.
Cute, right? I mean, one of the signs has to

be number one.
But then we broke down the numbers a little
more.
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94!
Do rich people have earlier birthdays?

When you account for the unequal distribution
of birthdays, 22.5% percent of those on the lists
were either Aquarians or Capricorns-born between December 22 and February 28.
(If the distribution of birthdays were uniform,
each Zodiac sign would account for about
8.3%.)
So: 22.5% versus an expected combined 16.6%.
How do we explain the difference? Is their
future foretold in the stars? Is it all pure
chance?
Maybe. But if you're like me, perhaps you
started thinking about the bestselling book
Outliers, from a few years back, by Malcolm
Gladwell.
One of the most-repeated vignettes from that

book is about the fact that a disproportionate
number of elite professional hockey players
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95!
apparently share a birthday in the first few

months of the year.
Hockey leagues and school cut-offs
Gladwell's explanation? Canadian youth
hockey leagues have a January 1 age cutoff.
Thus, the earlier in the year a player is born,
the older he is relative to the other kids he
plays against. He's likely to be one of the better
players on his team, just because he's older-bigger and more mature. Thus, he winds up
getting more coaching, more special attention,
and more playing time.
Eventually, he winds up becoming a better
player than his peers, as a result.
So, let's apply this to the list of the wealthiest
people. It's trickier than the hockey example, to
be sure. It's by no means a straight line from
birth date to net worth.
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96!
And--a big caveat--to my knowledge the data

didn't break out those people on the list who
were self-made, versus those who inherited
their wealth.
That said, schools have to apply similar age
cutoffs. Maybe in some systems the cutoff date
is January 1; in others it might be September 1.
Regardless, across all schools, kids with
birthdays in January or early February are
likely to be among the oldest in their classes as
they grow up.
Result? It's at least plausible that children
under the signs of Aquarius or Capricorn are
more likely to be slightly older than their
school year peers.
It's not a stretch to conclude that maybe
something similar to the hockey
players happens. They're born earlier, so
they're a little more mature. They're treated
like leaders. Things might come to them a little
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97!
easier in school, on average--just because

they've had more time to grow up than their
schoolmates.
Why are you still here?
It's all just a theory of course. But if you were
to put some stock in it, maybe you start doing
some gestational math... and think a little
about family planning.
We tend to think of the human gestation
period as nine months, but to be more
accurate, it's 40 weeks--or 280 days. The first
day of the Capricorn-Aquarius period is
December 22. What date happens to be 280
days before December 22?
So Get off the computer, my friend. Put
away your phone. You've got more important
things to do. Your future children's net worth
might depend on it.
98!
~14~
This Man Retired and
Gave Up $13 Million
Because He Can't Bring
His Son to Work All the
Time
Is Adam LaRoche a hero for putting his family
first, or a fool?
Almost every day last year, LaRoche, a first
baseman and designated hitter for the Chicago
White Sox, took his then 13-year-old son,
!
99!
Drake, with him to work. He was there with

him at U.S. Cellular Field, where the White Sox
play their home games. He even went with
them on road trips.
(What about school, you might ask? I certainly
did. The LaRoches reportedly had an
arrangement with their kids' school--Drake has
a younger sister--to allow them to travel with
their dad.)
Apparently, nobody minded. Or at least
nobody put up a fight. The White Sox even
seemed to think it was cute. They gave Drake
his own locker next to his dad's, and the
younger LaRoche would spend his days
snagging fly balls in practice, running errands
for other players, and heeding his dad's advice
to be helpful and stay out of everyone's way.
This year however, a few weeks before
opening day, the White Sox decided they'd had
!
100!
enough, and asked LaRoche to "dial back" how

often his son was around the team.
"I asked Adam, said, 'Listen, our focus, our
interest, our desire this year is to make sure
we give ourselves every opportunity to focus
on a daily basis on getting better. All I'm
asking you to do with regard to bringing
your kid to the ballpark is dial it
back,'" White Sox president Ken
Williams told reporter Ken Rosenthal.
"I don't think he should be here 100 percent
of the time - and he has been here 100
percent, every day, in the clubhouse. I said
that I don't even think he should be here 50
percent of the time. Figure it out, somewhere
in between."
In response, LaRoche, who is the son and

brother of major league baseball players
himself, took his bat and ball and went home,
!
101!
so to speak. He retired from the game he's

played professionally since 2004.
The current year is 2016, so he of course did so
via Twitter.
As the website Deadspin put it, "this is the best
baseball controversy in quite some time."
And it seems the White Sox really had gone
out of their way to make Drake feel welcome.
Honestly, it's hard to say whether that makes
their decision now more or less
understandable.
One key stat might explain the whole thing,

however. LaRoche is 36 years old, and hit only
.207 last year with 12 home runs. In spring
training this year, he batted .200.
As some commentators suggested, the White
Sox might have been a little less willing to put
up with his son hanging around--and more
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102!
willing to endure a few rough days of media

coverage--if it meant getting rid of a poorly
performing player with a big contract.
103!
104!
~15~
7 Science-Backed
Things You Must
Do to Raise
Successful Kids
Recently, we explored how wealthy parents give their
kids a giant advantage, simply by raising them in
more privileged neighborhoods. (Not every reader
loved that idea. Some on Facebook called it a recipe for
snobbishness or insecurity. Others bemoaned wealth
!
105!
segregation. Others said, like it or not, it's backed by

research--and it makes good sense.)
OK, fair enough. Let's set that aside, and focus instead
on seven other things that almost every parent can do
for their kids every single day, to give them more of an
edge.
Writing at Tech Insider, Rachel Gillett and Drake Baer
have put together a great compendium of researchedbacked advice. Their article is well worth reading.
Step one, obviously, should be to check out my free ebook on the subject: How to Raise Successful Kids. It's
free, and you can download it here. But beyond that,
here's what parents should do every single day for
their kids--regardless of wealth, status, or personality.
1. Make your kids do chores.
Take out the garbage, mow the lawn, do the dishes-they're not just ways to make your life easier, they're
ways to make your kids' lives better, too.
"By making them do chores ... they realize, 'I have to do
the work of life in order to be part of life,'" Julie
Lythcott-Haims, a former Stanford University dean
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106!
and the author of How to Raise an Adult, told Tech

Insider.
Related: Be an "authoritative" parent, rather than an
authoritarian or a permissive one. Create a world in
which your child "grows up with a respect for
authority, but doesn't feel strangled by it."
2. Teach them social skills.
Have you ever worked with socially awkward
people? It'll probably be no surprise to you to learn
then that a 20-year study at Penn State and Duke
found that kids with good social skills turned out to be
more successful.
"Socially competent children who could cooperate
with their peers without prompting, be helpful to
others, understand their feelings, and resolve problems
on their own, were far more likely to earn a college
degree and have a full-time job by age 25 than those
with limited social skills," Gillett and Baer wrote.
3. Teach and demonstrate high educational
expectations.
We're combining two practices here, but they're
related. First, a University of Michigan study finds that
if you want your kids to go to college, present yourself
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107!
as a good role model by making sure you finish your

education first. Meantime, make it clear that you
expect them to study through college, too.
"Parents who saw college in their child's future seemed
to manage their child toward that goal irrespective of
their income and other assets," says UCLA professor
Neal Halfon, who studied data from 6,600 kids born in
2001.
4. Teach them to develop good relationships.
We've all heard of parents whose marriages were
failing but who decided to stay together for the sake of
the kids. That might be admirable, but it matters more
that they have good relationships with each parent,
and with siblings (if they have any).
First, a study at the University of Illinois showed that it
matters more that kids grow up in a home without
conflict among their peers and siblings than that their
parents are together. And second, a study of children
born into poverty reported that "children who received
'sensitive caregiving' in their first three years" of life did
better in school, and then had "healthier relationships
and greater academic attainment in their 30s," Gillett
and Baer wrote.
!
108!
5. Get them excited about math (early).

I certainly remember my mom drilling me on
multiplication tables as a kid. (Not kidding: "Three
nines? Two sixes? Five fifteens?") It worked: Now I'm a
billionaire.*
Reading to young children is important, but it turns
out teaching them math skills is crucial as well. In one
study of 35,000 young children, early math skills
translated into not only "future math achievement,"
according to the study's co-author, Greg Duncan of
Northwestern University, but also "future reading
achievement."
(*It's true! But only in Indonesian Rupiah.)
6. Teach them to try. And not to worry about failing
(or much else).
You've probably read about the idea of adopting a
growth mindset versus a fixed or scarcity mindset.
Short version: For your kids, you want a growth
mindset. You want them to view failure, which
happens to all of us, as a chance to learn and grow--not
as an ending. In other words, don't worry.
109!
More than that, try to control your level of stress, or at

least to control the extent to which they perceive your
stress.
7. Show them work ethic--and achievement.
If you want your kids to behave a certain way, the
most likely way to make it happen is to model good
behavior. (The second most effective way might be to
model really bad behavior and let them learn from
your mistakes. But I'm going to suggest the first idea.)
Moreover, a Harvard Business School study shows
that kids who grow up with working moms have
advantages over those who don't. As Gillett and Baer
wrote, "The study found daughters of working
mothers went to school longer, were more likely to
have a job in a supervisory role, and earned more
money -- 23 percent more compared to their peers
who were raised by stay-at-home mothers."
There is no such thing as a complete list.
Gillett and Baer have a few other research-based
recommendations, too. I take issue with two of them,
for different reasons.
First, they cite the finding that kids with higher
socioeconomic status tend to do better than those
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110!
without. Of course that makes sense, but it's not really

something you can simply decide you're going to
change overnight.
Second, like virtually every other trendy article on this
subject, they recommend teaching "grit," defined as the
"tendency to sustain interest in and effort toward very
long-term goals." While that's virtuous in a vacuum, I
think we're going to find as a society that the way we
teach grit omits something serious: the ability to
maintain motivation while simultaneously,
continuously reevaluating your goals.
OK. Now it's your turn. What additional daily habits
do you think parents need to embrace if they want
their kids to be successful? Or do you take issue with
any of the ones listed above? Let us know in the
comments below.
111!
~16~
How to Raise
Emotionally Resilient
Kids: 7 Important Things
to Teach Them
We all want our kids to be happy and
successful, so it makes sense to work
backward and figure out how to make that
happen.
Step 1: To be happy and successful, they need to
develop great relationships.
112!
Step 2: To develop those relationships, they need

adequate emotional intelligence.
Step 3: To develop emotional intelligence, it helps if
their mentors (especially their parents) model good
behavior in love and partnerships.
At Scary Mommy, my former colleague Leigh
Anderson put together one of the best
prescriptions I've seen on how to teach your
kids to do this, and why.
She spoke with Carrie Cole, a Gottman
Institute trained therapist, about "how to have
a good relationship with your partner and how
to model one for your kids."
Here are the most important things she came
up with. As an added bonus, you can
download the free 100-page e-book, How to
Raise Successful Kids: Advice From a Stanford
113!
Dean, a Navy SEAL, and Mark Zuckerberg's Dad

(Among Others).
1. Teach them to "turn toward."
Relationships are dynamic. They're made up of
an uncountable number of small
interactions. Julie and John Gottman, a
husband and wife team of psychologists who
are experts in this area, describe these
interactions as "micro-behaviors" and "bids for
attention."
We "bid for attention" with the people we care
about by doing things--starting conversations,
for example--in the hope they'll demonstrate
interest and warmth. Catching those bids, and
showing you value the relationship, requires
active listening and empathy.
For example, you might tell your spouse, or
another person you care about, "I learned
something really cool today." You hope that he
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114!
or she will "turn toward" you by replying with

something like, "Oh? Tell me about it," as
opposed to shutting you down: "Can't you see
I'm busy?!!!"
So, model this behavior in your relationships,
and teach your kids to "turn toward" when the
people they care about bid for their attention.
2. Teach them to politely turn down bids for
attention.
Of course, if we had to "turn toward" every
time someone we cared about bid for our
attention, we'd never get anything done.
Perhaps even a majority of the time, you have
to find a way to refrain from "turning toward,"
in a way that shows you still value your
relationship.
My wife is a master at this--of necessity-otherwise she could spend her entire life
listening to me dissect political races, place the
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115!
names of character actors in movies, and tell

her arguably funny stories about things that
happened in college.
It's really a matter of demonstrating interest in
what the people you care about have to say,
while making clear the practical limits on your
time and attention. In her essay, Leigh offers a
simple example--turning down her child's bid
for attention simply by saying, "I can't listen to
your story right now, but I can after lunch."
So when you can't spend the time you might
like responding to a bid for attention, at least
turn it down politely--never dismissively.
3. Teach them to "be overwhelmed without
freaking out."
Negative situations are often made worse by
allowing your negative emotions to
metastasize. So, the goal is to maintain control
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116!
of your emotions even when you're not in

control of the situation.
In the military, we call this "maintaining your
bearing." However, it's especially important
when stressful situations involve the health or
feelings of the people you care about most.
As Leigh wrote: "Learning to be under stress
without taking it out on your nearest and
dearest is a valuable relationship skill."
I find it helps to think of a quote from author
H.G. Wells, and remember that "the crisis of
today is the joke of tomorrow."
4. Teach them to "make repairs."
One of the most important things I've learned
from the many articles I've read (and written)
about developing good life habits is this: It's
okay that you'll fall short.
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117!
You will, I will, your kids will. Everybody

makes mistakes--and everybody sometimes
hurts the people they love. The key thing you
want to model for your kids, however, is how
to react when you've screwed up.
As Leigh wrote of her conversation with
Carrie: "The secret... is in the 'repair'-apologizing when you're irritable or dismissive
of someone's overture. Apologizing or
otherwise making amends goes a long way
toward telling the other person that you do
care about his needs."
5. Teach them to appreciate others out loud.
We talk a lot about learning to be thankful, but
I think this is an important difference--learning
to say out loud that you're grateful, and to
specific people (namely, the ones you care
most about).
118!
I'm horrible at compliments, although I'm

learning. That's important as a father, because I
want to model appreciating others in a vocal
way.
Once again, Leigh put it well: "In small
moments, catch someone doing something
well or right. It's helpful for kids to hear their
parents saying that. You're saying, 'We have a
culture of appreciation in our home. This is
what we do. We let one another know what we
appreciate about one another.'"
6. Teach them that contempt is verboten.
The opposite of love isn't hate; it's apathy.
Contempt is its near cousin. It rears its ugly
head in relationships, to the point that the
Gottmans think of it as the early warning sign
for a marital relationship that is likely to fail.
We all get angry at the people we care about.
Sometimes they do things that we don't know
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119!
how to put up with. However, the important

thing is to show kids that it never overwhelms
the underlying love.
As Leigh quoted Carrie in her
article: "Emotional abuse is contempt... If a
child grows up in a home like that--[for
example], if the father puts down the mother,
the boys will think this is acceptable behavior.
And girls think this is acceptable to be treated
like this. If you can't turn around the contempt,
the relationship is in serious trouble."
7. Teach them not to tell mean jokes.
Oh, they can--and should--tell jokes. However,
mean jokes are often simply thinly veiled
vessels for contempt--and we've already seen
that contempt is the sign of a dead
relationship.
Leigh describes a husband and wife in one of
Carrie's counseling sessions, where the wife
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120!
began a sentence by saying, "I was thinking... "

and the husband interrupted with a laugh: "Oh
honey, don't think!"
Even if she smiled or chuckled, you can
imagine how hurtful her husband's joke was-and how it hurt their relationship--all because
of his lack of emotional intelligence.
Leigh wrote about two other lessons as well-teaching kids to have relationships across
generations, and working with you to establish their
values and culture at home. However, I think these
seven are the most apt.
121!

How To Raise Successful Kids

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!

copyright 2016 Bill Murphy Jr.

For my baby girl (who sat on my lap as I

It comes not just from me, but instead from top

Over on Task and Purpose (a site for members

"To paraphrase Ralph Waldo Emerson, who

also helps you increase resourcefulness and

your own children. However, there's often as

benefit. It demonstrates that things are rarely

"To be something we never were, we have to

One of the best ways to reinforce this is to

studied and written about entrepreneurship

As a result, young Mark grew up watching his

them. In Dr. Zuckerberg's case, he was

and support their strengths and support the

3. Show them you're proud of them.

tolerated. If you impart your dislikes about

6. Balance work and life

7. Don't grow old too fast.

... short and densely built, with soft almond

-but they're screwing things up bigtime nonetheless.

incredibly accomplished in the transcript

our society. Students from less

(Her solution with her daughters was to give

doing all the arguing, we are not teaching our

Instead, it turns out there's another, much

Think back to your own school days and the

responsible for feeding the pets or maybe you

Happiness therefore comes from the things we

They'll know themselves better.

a decade. Ask them what I do with my days

newspaper reporter, or the young woman who

Her advice closely hews to the best practices

shirts and Axe-body-spray-covered

"For the rest of their lives, they will be

Okay I admit--that's not precisely what

down, and they just need to unwind for a

Since launching last year, Bernard and

Entrepreneurs see the world differently from

"Don't let it bother you."

If you try to start a business (never mind

"Is it hard to be a woman starting a company?

Don't confuse this with being a pushover--it's

You can be direct. You just don't have to be a

"Don't be afraid to depend on people."

There is virtually no such thing as a successful

"Choose your friends carefully."

At the same time, don't depend on people who

making do with a smaller team until you find

"Don't give up!"

Just before their first major photo shoot last

"We had to drive in the snow to the UPS center

There's no such thing as "not my job" in a

marketing department thinks X" which just

Kicking ass means focusing on what you do

(It's already my experience just six months into

what you do because you always want the best

3. Am I in charge of their technology?

recommendation. They feel that they have no

(Related: No earbuds in the car. "That time in

6. Am I demonstrating a healthy respect for

A quote from Thomas Jefferson is instructive

Boomers. So, they put together an infographic