Assertiveness:ThingsYouShouldKeep

toYourself

Intherstasservenesspost,Iexplainedtheimportanceofhavingboundariesbetweenusand
otherpeople.Inthesecondpost,Iexplainedthedierencebetweensharingandjusfyingand
theconneconbetweencondenceandasserveness.Ihopeyouhavehadachancetoassess
yourowncommunicaonandndthephrasesthattriggeryourpressureinconversaon.Today,I
willsharewithyousomethingsthatweshouldkeeptoourselvesifwewanttostrengthenour
condenceaboutthem.
Keepingthingstoyourselfdoesnotmeankeepingthemasecret.Asservenesscomesfrom
condence,whilesecretscomefromfear.Sharingisexpressingyourselfcondentlywithout
reservaonandwithoutanypressuretoconvinceothersorjusfyyourownthoughtsandbeliefs.
Hereisalistofthingsyoucankeeptoyourselforshareselecvely.Ifyouarecondentabout
them,youdonotneedvalidaon,approvalortohavethemajoritywithyoutoholdthem.Ifyou
wantsomeonesopinion,ask.Ifsomeoneasksforyouropinion,respecttheirchoicenotto
acceptitortodowhatevertheywantwithit.Iftheydisagree,donotlikeitordonotwanttouse
it,itshouldnotcreateanydoubtinyou.Somethingsareyourstokeepandyoucansharethem,
butneverwithpressure.Pressureisnotasserveness.

Thingsthatassertivepeoplekeep
tothemselves

1.Yourjudgment.Thereisasimplerulethatwillputyouinabeerposioninlife:Ifyou
donothaveanythinggoodtosay,shutup!Ifyouarejudgmental(haveanopinionabout
othersinareasthatdonotconcernyou),thatisnotasserveness.Infact,itwilldragthe
communicaonintoconict.Verbaljudgmentisanexpressionofpressurethatcomes
fromwithin.Keepittoyourself.Judgmentissomethingweneedtokeeptoourselvesthe
most.Expressingitwillhurtothersforsureanditisnotasserveness.
2.Yourparenngstyle.Thisissomethingyouhavetoagreewithyourpartnerandthatisit.
Ifpeopleaskaboutyourparenngstyle,youcanshare.However,whatevertheydoat
homeisnoneofyourbusinessandwhateveryoudoathomeisnoneoftheirs!

3.Yourpolicalviews.Wehavetherighttoourownopinionbylaw.IhavebeenwithGalfor
36yearssofarandwehavedierentpolicalviews.Idonottrytochangehis,hedoesnot
trytochangemineandweonlyexpressthem(respecully)ateleconme.
4.Yourreligiousviews.Religionisasetofbeliefsyoufollowtomakeyounavigatetheworld.
Youdonotneedanyoneelsetofollowthesamerulestobelieveinthemyourself.Ihave
myownreligion,calledRonism,anditismine(muchofitiswrienonthisblog).Ido
nothavetojusfyittoanyoneorexplainit,onlylivebyit.Religionisalsooneofthose
thingsyoudonothavetoagreewithyourpartner.Inthisarea,GalandIhavebeen
togetherfor36yearsandwedonotsharethesamefaith.Wehaveagreedtorespecteach
othersfaithandwebothunderstanditisourstoliveby.
5.Yourfoodpreferencesoreanghabits.Enjoyyourfoodwithoutjuscaon.IfIlove
mangoes,doIneedotherstoliketheminordertoenjoyeangthem?No!Foodisyours
tonourishyourownbody,sothesizeofyourplate,thequality,theavorandthesugar
contentareyourstochoose.Ifpeopletellyouwhattheythinkaboutyoureang,tell
themasservelythatyouappreciatetheirconcern,thatthisisapersonalchoiceandthat
youprefertheydidnotgetintoyourplate.

6.Yoursexualpreferences.Donotashthemaroundanddonottrytoconvinceothersto
belikeyou.Youonlyneedtosharethemwiththepeoplewhoparcipateinyoursexual
acvies.Sexualpreferencesarenobodyelsesbusiness.WhenIwasincollege,Ihada
friendwhosharedeverybitofhersexualadventures,whileIchosetokeepmineprivate.
Oneday,shetoldmeIwassecreveaboutmysexuallife.Itoldherinanasserveway
thatIthoughtthiswasaprivatemaerandsheacceptedit.
7.Howyoumanageyourmoney.Peoplewillexpectyoutodowhattheythinkisrightwith
money,butattheendoftheday,youwillhavetolivewiththeconsequencesofyour
acons,sodonottrytoconvinceothersaboutyourmoneymanagementphilosophy.If
youwantothersopinion,askthosewhoaregoodmodelsofnancialsuccess.Never
jusfywhatyoubuy,howyouinvestorwhereyoueat.Themoneyisyoursandyouhave
therighttodowhateveryouwantwithit.Again,theonlypersonyouhavetocoordinateit
withisyourpartner,ifyouhaveone.

8.Howyouspendyourme.Ifyourmemanagementonlyaectsyou,noproblemsatall.
Keepyourchoicestoyourself.Ifitaectsothers,itisbeertohaveasharingsession
aboutit.Whenyoushare,lettheothersknowwhatyouhavedecidedtodo,butnotwhy
youhavedecidedtodoit.Sharingyourscheduleisasserve,becauseitgivestheother
peopleachancetomaketheirowndecisions.Sharingyourreasonsisnotasserve,
becauseitinvitesthemtoparcipateinmakingyourdecisions.
9.Beliefsthatothersdisagreewith.Learntoagreetodisagree.Theexpectaonthatothers
willagreewithyouoneverythingisunrealisc.Ifpeopledonotagreewithyou,say,I
understandthatthisishowyouthink/feelandthatisit!Donotapologizeforyourviews
anddonotdefendthem.Watchyourbuts.

10.Yourlivingarrangement.Yourlivingarrangementisbetweenyouandthepeopleliving
withyou.Itisnobodyelsesbusiness,soneverjusfyit.Ifitworksforyoutoliveinasmall
place,inthecountry,inastudioapartment,inseparaterooms,inthesameroomwiththe
kids,inthesamebedwiththekidsorontheoor,thatisyourchoice.Ifyouchoosetoeat
inthelivingroom,inbed,onthekitchencounteroronthebalcony,enjoyit!Donotjusfy
it!Rememberthatjusfyingindicatesyouarenotcondentaboutit.
11.Yourrelaonships.Theonlypeopleyoucannegoateyourrelaonshipswitharethe
peopleinarelaonshipwithyou.Othersopiniononitisnotyourbusiness.Itistheir
opinion,whichyoudonothavetoaccept.Donotgetintoexplaining,jusfyingwhyyou
areupset,happy,sad,frustrated,fullofhoperegardingarelaonshipyouhavewith
someonewhoisnotpartofthatrelaonship.Youcanshareitandonceyoufeeltheother
personquesonit,disagreewithyou,blameyouorjudgeyou,itisasignthereisno
respectforyourfeeling,letitgo.Itmightbethewrongpersontoshareyourfeelingswith.
Again,itisbeertokeepthepersonalrelaonshipwithyourpartnerbetweenthetwoof
youandnottogetathirdpersoninvolved.Ifyouhavesomeoneyoutrust,goforit,butif
not,andyouneedtotalktosomeone,gethelpfromaprofessional.

12.Yourfashionstyleandappearance.Ilearnedasakidnottoargueoverpersonaltastein
fashion.Donotjusfywhatyouwear,yourhairstyle,whyyoudyeordonotdyeyourhair,
whyyoulikeordonotlikemakeup,thecolorofyourlipsck,thestyleofyourbeardor
whyyoupluckyoueyebrows.ItisOKifyougetataooorpierceyourtongue,becauseit
isyourbody!Ifyouarenotaminor,youdonotneedanyonesapproval,sodonotaskfor
itanddonottrytoconvinceotherstodoitaswell.
13.Secrets.Whensomeonesharesinformaonwithyouinsecret,youknowyoushouldnot
shareitwithanyoneelse.Thatpersontrustsyou,sodonotbreakthistrust.Itisnotyour
decisionwhethertosharethesecret.IreachedapointinmylifewhenIaskedothersnot