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ith
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uncovers
professor
scandal!
Friday, November 18, 2016 vol. 102, No. 15 | atheNs, GeorGia | Nique.Net
RALLY FOR
H A R AMBE
ORREN GU TAN
Another
voter
perfectly
summed up the feelings of his
peers: I feel like there isnt much
to say at this point. A few weeks
ago, I felt hopeless and frustrated
at our circumstances and it made
me realise that Id felt this way before. I asked myself who I would
trust with this country. The answer was clear. I urge the UGA
community to vote for him, and
let the world know that we will
never stop fighting for justice.
The atmosphere after election
day weighed heavy with grief as
students continue to mourn their
nominees loss.
It has shone a light on the dehumanisation that animals face in
every day. In a wave of online activism following the tragedy, students shared videos of capuchin
monkeys demanding grapes and
cats dancing to music to remind
us that these creatures are just as
capable as us should we care to
understand them.
It doesnt matter that Harambe
would have only technically 17 at
the time of inauguration or the
fact that he is a deceased ape. The
u[sic]ga community will support
him again in 2020 long after this
has stopped being funny.
OH.EM.GEE.
America is still coming to terms
with the results of this presidential
election, especially the majority of
of college students. However, a
major anomaly came to our attention; it appeared a large number of
ballots from Athens were disqualified.
We decided to investigate to
find out why so many anomalies
occurred. We decided to start by
talking to students who posted
pictures of their Im a Georgia
Voter stickers on social media; it
took a while to get through them
all because so many students had
posted. However, while we were
looking through those student
pictures, we noticed something:
for approximately every selfie with
a sticker, there were at least one or
two selfies of a person with their
ballot, la Justin Timberlake.
We believe that the main reason this happened was that they
saw only the selfie of the popular
singer and followed in his foot-
steps.
We interviewed firt-year Molly
Lolly a confectionery major about
why she decided to snap a selfie
while voting. Well, yeah its super
cool that JT posted a selfie with
his ballot, but Im not one to jump
on the bandwagon like that. She
continued, I realized that the ballot really complimented my complexion so I thought Why miss
this picture perfect moment?
Another student Eric Shun
said, A selfie. Yeah, thats cool.
But I snapchatted the whole experience. I wanted to let my fans go
through the voting process with
me, you know? I got to give the
people what they want. Shin is
an aspiring Musical.ly star with a
grand total of three followers including the girlfriend he doesnt
have and the hobo near Five Guys.
Regardless of their reasons,
what they completely forgot
though, was that Georgia is one
of the states that disqualifies your
vote if you take a picture with it,
even if youre the son of one of the
the President-Elect (were looking
// NOOSE
THWUGA: Good Astronomy club blinded afOld Fashioned Hate ter inspection of the sun
VIDYA IYER
EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
For the more than one hundredth time, let us welcome all of
you freshmen to Tech. We are excited to present the 2016 To Hell
With Georgia Issue. Contained
in these pages you will find all
manner of outlandish, (hopefully) entertaining and completely
false material we aspire to think
up for every THWUGA edition.
Beginning as a modest fourpage paper, published on Nov.
17, 1911, the first issue of the
Technique focused primarily
on the then-upcoming football
game with Georgia. Its from this
moment the Souths Liveliest
College Newspaper began.
And, as a tip of the hat to
this modest start, the staff of
the Technique produce an issue
dedicated to mocking Georgias
newspaper, The Red and Black.
Though this issue relies on ste-
PETER PANDA
ticeable quite often during the day, each member took a long look
into the telescope. Each
member was immediately blinded by the bright
rays of The Sun.
None of the blinded members thought to
warn the next before
the entire club was injured by the amazing
discovery.
The school will commemorate the club and
the personal sacrifices
made by each member
with a statue of The
Sun to be placed in the
parking lot of the science building. The unveiling will take place
in a weeks time.
At this time, it is not
yet known if the damage
to the retinas of the astronomy club members
will be permanent, or
will fade in time.
sLuvr
// NOOSE
Student blazerspace
opens and its super lit
PAYS THEBLUNT
OPINIONS EDITOR
Join the
Technique
Flags Bldg 137 Writers, tDesigners, Photographers
nique.net
/thenique
@the_nique
Jimmy Russels, one such attendant, explained why he had come to the event
between long draws from a can of Natty Light: If them dwags are playin here
// NOOSE
BUD LIGHTBEER
BENEVOLENT DICTATOR
Professors at u[sic]ga have
recently
discovered
what
causes their spit to fall to the
ground when dipping and why
everyone hasnt floated out of
Athens yet.
We made a big discovery today, said Dr. Izzy Dum, head
of terrestrial physics, before
this we didnt really know
what made stuff fall down in
Athens. Rain, piss, drunks, it
was all a mystery. The dis-
JACKSOM COX
PURVEYOR OF FACTS
NEWS
ABLE WOODLAND
CR EATU R ES
STACKED
ATOP
ONE
ANOTHER
IN A TRENCHCOAT.
TIM
KAINE IS JUST
A DAD FROM THE
NORTHEAST.
IT HAS ALSO
BEEN
REVEALED
THAT
students blamed
HARRY MCCHEST
male
FACT A LARGE
AND
AGING
T A N G E R I N E.
FU RTH ERMORE,
FOX NEWS HAS TRUMP
DID
REVEALED THAT NOT ATTEND u
DONALD
J. [sic] ga AND
TRUMP,
SU- IT IS UNCLEAR
PREME LEADER WHERE
THAT
OF THE UNITED RUMOR ORIGISTATES, IS NOT NATED
FROM.
HUMAN BUT IN THE SAME RE-
drains,
has suddenly died as a result of the folds on his radiant little face
BREAKING
BALLOTS
ARE
NOT
COUNTED
BY A TINY ELEPHANT INSIDE
THE
BALLOT
BOX WITH AN
ABACUS. FURTHER
DEVELOPMENTS WILL
BE SHARED AS
THEY DEVELOP
FURTHER.
// NOOSE
Onions
OUR VIEWS | Consensus Onion
the r&b
The Consensus Onion reflects the majority opinion of the Editorial Board of the Red&BLA,
but not necessarily the opinions of individual editors.
Friday,
November 18, 2016
Hey, whats
the time?
ABOUT 1:30 BM
69 PAST 4:20
6:66 PM
0.08 OCLOCK
12 FL OZ
TIMEY TURNER
TINY TIM-E
SLEEP TIME
FOOD TIME
SEX TIME
37
Write to us:
google.com
// OPINIONS
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Coherent
thoughts
ENEEBE RYAEDID
HIGH BAC
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BILLY BOB
EIGHTH-YEAR FOOD
CHILI BOB
FIRST-DAY HUMAN
SAMAMAMAMAMANTHA
FINAL-YEAR UNDECIDED
Setting the
Agenda for
the Next
Civil Rights
Movement
RSVP:www.diversity.
gatech.edu/2017-mlklecture
January 12
CAMPUSWIDE
STUDENT
CELEBRATION:
Coming Together to
Fulfill the Dream
7 p.m.
Student Center
Ballroom
This celebration
will feature student
speeches, cultural
performances, and a
candle-lighting ceremony
for student organizations.
Reception to follow.
Contact:
lauren.bell@gatech.
eduorcbrockman8@
gatech.edu
January 12-15
FOCUS PROGRAM
Georgia Tech Hotel
and Conference Center
Focus is one of the
nations premier
programs for raising
awareness of
graduate education
among the brightest
underrepresented
students.
Contact:
gordon.moore@
gatech.edu
January 12-15
WASHINGTON, D.C.
CIVIL RIGHTS TOUR
Leaving Georgia Tech
at 11 p.m.
Various Locations
Seventy students and
30 faculty will have
the opportunity to tour
civil rights sites in
Washington, D.C.
Register:
www.
diversityprograms.
gatech.edu
Contact:
myagnye2@gatech.
eduormbanks34@
gatech.edu
EVENTS ARE FREE AND OPEN TO THE GEORGIA TECH COMMUNITY UNLESS OTHERWISE INDICATED.
January 14
Arts@Tech presents
Alonzo King LINES
Ballet
8 p.m.
Ferst Center
for the Arts
January 16
NATIONAL MLK
HOLIDAY OBSERVANCE
MLK Day of Service
8 a.m. - 2 p.m.
Student Center
Ballroom
Georgia-born
choreographer Alonzo
King creates works that
draw on a diverse set of
deeply rooted cultural
traditions, imbuing
classical ballet with new
expressive potential.
In this campus-wide
initiative honoring the
life and legacy of Dr.
Martin Luther King Jr.,
participants will serve
in teams and engage
in service projects with
metro Atlanta community
partners.
RSVP:
Ferst Center Box
Office, 404.894.9601
Purchase Tickets:
https://peotest.
ad.gatech.edu/PEO/
show.asp
RSVP:www.engage.
gatech.edu
Contact:
sarah.perkins@
gatech.edu
Dr. Martin Luther
King Jr. Annual
Commemorative
Service
10 a.m.
Ebenezer Baptist
Church
Sponsored by the King
Center, 20 spaces at this
annual church service
will be available to the
Georgia Tech community
through the MLK Day of
Service.
Visit:www.engage.
gatech.edu
January 16-31
DOC FEST: A Series
That Will MOVE You
Georgia Tech
Residence Halls
Five documentary films
will be shown within
the residence halls on
the Georgia Tech Cable
Network. Each film
will showcase an issue
plaguing todays society.
Contact:
sherry.murray@
housing.gatech.edu
January 18
SPECTRUM
8-10 p.m.
Georgia Tech Christian
Campus Fellowship
Spectrum is a space for
open dialogue on race
relations and to break
down the communication
barrier between
individuals of various
backgrounds.
Contact:
tmckie3@gatech.edu
January 19
MLK SUNDAY
SUPPER: A Community
Meal and Conversation
6-8 p.m.
Bill Moore Student
Success Center,
Presidents Suite
The Georgia Tech
community is invited to
come together over a
meal and discuss the
MLK Celebration events,
Dr. Kings legacy, and
the next civil rights
movement. There are
100 spaces available.
RSVP:www.engage.
gatech.edu
Contact:
sirocus.barnes@
ceismc.gatech.edu
January 25
WHATS GOING ON:
The Musical Production
7:30 p.m.
Ferst Center
for the Arts
Whats Going On depicts
college student life
focusing on social justice
issues that impact our
nation, especially the
black community.
Contact:
caterpillars.
promise@gmail.
comordaniemathis@
gmail.com
For more
information
Visit www.diversity.
gatech.edu/
MLK-celebration
Please let the designated
event sponsor know if
you need a reasonable
accommodation to
participate.
// OPINIONS
Lit
or
COLLEGE NIGHTS
.............................
every rst and third tuesday
6:00 PM - 9:00 PM
August23
September 6
September 20
October 4
October 18
November 1
November 15
November 29
Early Bird
10% Off
Monday-Thursday
9a-1p
10% Off
for all
Georgia Tech
Students
10% Off
SNS
By Signature Nails
Systems
10% Off
For All
Plaza Midtown
Residents
Lafe
LIFE EDITOR:
Frank Rossitano
ASSTISTANT LIFE EDITOR:
Toofer
lafe@thwuga.net
the r&b
10
Friday,
November 18, 2016
Even a tractor combination vehicle is not immune to the one hour a week that Athens experiences
Atlanta-like traffic jams. Uber has introduced a new class of vehicles for the Athens area.
Uber is a sharing app that provides users with a cheap alternative to taxis. Up until now, Uber
catered toward the city folk by encouraging drivers to drive around
those ugly cars they call luxury
vehicles. But we Athens folks
knew, that we deserved better
which is why in the next month
Uber is now introducing UberT
(the T standing for T-ractor, duh).
While we do love our camouflage, why would we ever want
our vehicles to blend in with the
night sky like UberBLACK offers?
Nah, Athenians are proud of our
flamboyantly colored tractors
green, yellow, red.
Not only will UberT help bring
some color back to the streets but
tractors are also great for the environment, if it mattered. Global
warming is a hoax, as everyone
knows, but now the liberals will
be satisfied. As everyone knows
thee things are gas gzzlers, so
theyll really help with the whole
farting problem. Instead of farting in open spaces people can help
contribute to the UberT fund by
farting in tractors so that the tractors can have gas to guzzle. So that
should help with the stink of Athens. At least a little.
Crime scene tape covered the property of Mr. McFurble following the recent incident
involving several students from the Rho Omicron Omicron Rho (POOP) fraternity.
// LAFE
S t r a n g e r What accint
Things is a we got here??
TV Show guys
not a source
DAN C.
T KWEEN
JUAN A. SMOKE
students.
Talking to Christmas
lights is a documented phenomenon, but the lights
talking back has never been
seen before. Another first
for JUGS, the lights seem
to display as much intelligence as a professor. Experiments will be run this
coming December in which
various holiday decorations
will be asked yes or no questions.
Thanks to these contributions to the general body
of academia, UGA has received a grant to upgrade
its research facilities. The
administration will allegedly
install a cabin, tree, pool,
and wall to summon the monster, as a rip in the fabric of
reality proved too costly. A
saltwater tank will likely be
brought onto campus to unlock students hidden potentials, as it helped Eleven in
the show.
The second season of
Stranger Things will surely bring additional discoveries to the forefront of science.
Straw
staple
one pictured
women
and
above, are a
uGa
students.
FULL-TIME MOM
In this day and age we need to
take precautionary measures, involving preventing the procreation
of individuals who should not be
procreating. For the betterment
of our society as a whole, it is up
to you, u[sic]ga students, to take
the reins and lead our world in a
u[sic]ga baby-less world. Now this
doesnt mean that you shouldnt
enjoy the pleasures of the bodys
natural feelings, but educate yourselves on how to not get pregnant.
No wait scratch that. The reason
why you should read this is because getting pregnant will make
you die. So if you dont want to
die, take the following precautionary measures. Thank you for
your cooperation.
UNDERGRADUATE RESEARCH @ GT
gttower.org
To H
wit
geor
HELL
ith
rgia!
// LAFE
SEX
FROM PAGE 10
COUSIN
Ever use one of those confectioners sugar sifters? Its like that.
If you put the sugar in, itll come
out the other side. Dont do that.
Dont put the sugar in the sifter.
MOLLY JANE
Where:
When:
Eligibility:
the r&b
Satisfaction
SATISFACTION EDITOR:
Jenna Maroney
icantgetno@thwuga.net
15
Friday,
November 18, 2016
Real human sits next to a real human dressed as a zombie. We know. Its shocking, but we have
found that they are not, in fact, real zombies in GA. Boycott of The Walking Dead to be held on Fri.
Y.
LICKER OF
THINGS
One
mother
fucking
shit
storm after an
other happened
on
this
damn
day. That cunt
cut me off on
the way to class
with his shitty
tractor.
Jesus
fucking Christ,
why is this ass
hole
professor
asking us to do
actual
god
damn homework?
I am going to
go
home
and
get shit faced
because
its
a
fucking
Tues
day.
That
bastard
insulted
my
camo
jumpsuit
today.
But
I
am
so
fucking
proud
of
my
redneck
heri
tage: just ask
my
girlfriend
or
my
cousin
(they are the
same bitch). I
tried to watch a
damn movie last
night but could
not
understand
the
fuck
ing words. The
bloody
British
talk
so
shit
tily, why cant
they
just
say
yall and aint?
Last night af
ter I went out
for
road
kill
barbecue
and
holy
shit
it was so deli
cious. Later I
fell
asleep
in
the
back
seat
of
my
beau
tiful
goddamn
truck and had
a dream that I
fucked Miran
da Lambert.
Every
fuck
ing day should
be Saturday so
I can watch the
goddamn
daw
gs play. Those
asses in Atlanta
should give me
the HOPE schol
arship just for
living in Athens,
the best fuck
ing city on the
damn earth. I
will never make
it out of this
place,
and
I
could
not
be
happier than a
damn damsel in
distress.
Most
mornings
I wake up hun
gover and the
cunt
downstairs
actually
goes
to class and it
wakes
me
up.
He and all the
other
moth
erfuckers
who
arent like me
should
go
to
hell. I love my
fucking
shot
gun
and
sec
ond
amendment
rights,
hell
yeah. Does the
first amendment
// SATISFACTION
Boom
bang pop
crash
GENERAL COX
// SATISFACTION
Trolls
are
Real
MADAME GLITTER-SPARKLES
QUEEN OF GLITZ & GLAM
Design by GOD
// COMICS
// COMICS
1
3
2
1
3
1
2
2
1
3
1
3
1
2
1
2
3
1
2
2
1
2
3
COLOR BY
NUMBER*
1 - Black
2 - Black
3 - Black
*Disclaimer wanted to include more numbers, but
students can only count to three
// XXOO
u(sic)ga
THARS HEBLOWS
swim
An artists rendition of what Sanford Stadium will look like within approximately 5 to 10 years.
While u(sic)ga may no longer have a playing field, it could have a source of sustainable produce.
team
learns
OJRVFOFU
POBMMPGZPVS
EFWJDFT
to
swim
// XXOO
templated about how this will affect Easons play, but senior Sanjay
Siri-Dan is expecting the exact
opposite to occur.
Eason is undoubtedly the
greatest freshman quarterback of
all time. Him going bald is a sign.
A sign that he will join other great
bald athletes like Michael Jordan
and become the very best football
player of all time, Siri-Dan said.
ment to UGA.
Stalker, was always heralded
as one of the top 5-star players
in country, but after reviewing
70 more hours of game film he
proved he was 6-star worthy, said
365sports.com recruiting director
Johnny Gruden.
Stalker will be able to step in
finally provide some production
at the running back position. This
years team is only averaging 4.3
yards per carry, which is down
from last years 5.1 and 2014s
6.0. Given Stalker 6-star status
he should be able to get that up to
about 6.9 yards per carry.
Georgia fans are ecstatic for
the future with Peppers toting the
rock next season.
SIX STARS. We beat out
Bama for a recruit. The greatest recruit in history is gonna be
a dawg. Glory days will be back
again. Dawgs will be riding on
top next season.
Despite this success, Alabama
fan Phyllis of Mulga, Ala., best
known for her appearances on
Paul Finebaums ESPN show, was
less than impressed.
Sure, the Dwags may have
gotten a six-star recruit, but
DONT YOU DARE CLAIM
THE BAMA DYNASTY IS
DEAD. NICK SABAN IS JESUS
CHRIST INCARNATE.
XXOO
XXOO EDITOR:
Kenneth Parcell
ASSISTANT XXOO EDITOR:
xxoo@thwuga.net
the r&b
24
Friday,
November 18, 2016
Kirby Smart stands outside of his Checkers franchise. The location, like the football team he runs,
opens with high expectations as it competes against prestigious Clarke County fast food outlets.
save for a few tough weeks. Incidentally, u(sic)ga rival and FCS
powerhouse Nicholls State has
Nick Saban is God. Is it possible to clone God? Maybe. Anyway, it seems that u(sic)ga
researchers are going to attempt to find out, one way or the other. Fantasy image above.
a few nonbelievers.
Look, Im new to this whole
science thing, but I know that
every action has to have an equal
and opposite retraction, said
sophomore Industrial Architecture Criticism major Syan Beige.
And if Saban is gonna roll over
us every time we luck our way out
of the SEC East, then youre damn
right were going to fight back.
A few u(sic)GA faithful,
though, admit that they would be
jarred should the experiment succeed.
Whatever would I do with
my Saban = Satan sign I wave
around whenever ESPN accidentally brings College GameDay to
Athens? asked 87-year old Clarke
County resident Bathilda Summers.
But look, I need us to win a
national championship soon, because my time is running out, she
added. I jumped on the Dawgs
bandwagon back in the Herschel
Walker era, and the team has
treated me like crap ever since.
[Former u(sic)GA Coach] Mark
Richt and Kirby Smart seem like
nice, God-fearing men, and Im
sure they treat the kids real good.
But I think we need a real killer to run this program. So I think
it either has to be Nick Saban or
someone from the Manson family.
Im not picky.
At press time, u(sic)ga officials
were reportedly found hiding in
Sabans backyard.